#plus there's always the underlying “why would this guy even want to hang out/be friends/etc.”

[capitateoftheherald]

for the past few days i've only really been out of bed to eat and use the bathroom because i'm having a mental illness moment (active suicidal ideation; neither method i'd choose is available to me though). been smoking wayy too much as a result. most of my time is spent maladaptive daydreaming.

had a conversation with a guy i used to be friends with (and had a crush on) and i'm So So Clearly Still Down Bad. he was texting me and i would smile stupidly at the careful way he phrased his messages and the LENGTH !! a chatty cathy. but i need to meet up with him in person to unmix my feelings on the matter.

However. because of the mental illness moment i am Wary. i feel not really like myself & i'm struggling to differentiate between bpd and Normal emotions & i don't wanna do some dumb weird shit in regards to him and fuck it up and hurt him somehow !

it's a strange feeling to simultaneously desperately desire someone and desperately wish to die. like YES i wanna smash and YES i wanna cuddle but also YES the thought of any kind of future is impossible to me currently so it wouldn't really feel fair to drag you into it. idk. i hate trying to navigate this stupid dumbfuck brain

edit: okay i'm realizing that part of my mixed feelings is because i am terrified that if i'm too genuine with him he'll leave again. and i am like PLS god do not leave i do not have another friend near enough to me rn. which is a little hilarious because i am the one that got hurt in the first place so He should be the nervous one if he's interested in rekindling a friendship.. get on your hands and knees and beg boy. apologize harder or whatever. need to keep reminding myself of this i think.

[classic80sand90smovieloves2]

 Meeting and Dating Ed Rooney

(Not my gif)(Requested by anonymous)

(I forgot how much the boys in this movie own my ass)

- You and Rooney met when your friend first took you to Dani’s shop after school. You were sitting at one of the tables, trying your best to study/look over some work when Ed came over and began to talk; and not so subtly flirt, with you.

- The two of you are interrupted by your friend who tells him to buzz off as she returns with your drinks. She tells you a bit about him once he’s gone but her words don’t fully deter you, not when he’s smiling so handsomely and winking at you from across the room.

- Ed is sort of a dork so he strategically places himself where he knows you’ll be just so he can “coincidentally” bump into you. He’s never been to a single library in his entire life but the minute he hears you’re going to be there? Do do do do do. Don’t mind him, he’s just looking for LITERATURE. Oh hey y/n.

- If you happen to pass his school on your way home, rest assured, he’s gonna be waiting there to meet up with you; usually with his friends.

- Occasionally, you’d stop by his school yourself and talk to him for a few minutes after/before his track and field practice which absolutely made his day.

- While most of Rooney’s flirtation methods leave much to be desired, there is; if you actually consider it, an obvious underlying interest/love for you. He may act like a bit of a sleaze; especially in the eyes of a Christian school girl, but he’ll probably ditch his dirtier advances if you show interest in him from the start; he won’t feel like he has to be gross to impress anyone.

- That being said, your interest in him somewhat dwindled after one of his “tough guy Rooney” displays. He’d probably spotted another boy talking to you and immediately crossed the street to join you, aggressively telling the “*insert f word*” to “get out of here”, leaving you a bit startled at his change of behavior.

- After that, you’d probably try to distance yourself a bit because, well, who wouldn’t? Wouldn’t anyone be a bit put off by that sort of thing if they’d just assumed their crush was a handsome guy with a love for dirty jokes? It probably also didn’t help that your less than supportive friend was breathing down your neck, saying “see!”.

- That being said, your behavior doesn’t deter him, purely because he really likes you and is incredibly persistent.

- And he gets all the more reason to approach you after he’s kicked off the track and field team. You couldn’t help but fall into an “oh you poor boy” sort of role; especially since he probably played up his disappointment a bit more than what he was actually feeling.

- While you’re in the midst of comforting him, he “offhandedly” mentions that now he’ll really fail since his grades will have to be about his actual grades. So; like the nice girl that you are, you’ll offer to help him with his work and he’ll say “great!” with a smile as though he wasn’t just depressed.

- As promised, you began to tutor him, trying your best to bring his grades up while he struggled to focus on anything besides how pretty you look when you’re reading. The two of you bicker like an old married couple but he makes you laugh so you really don’t mind; plus it’s obvious that he really needs your help.

- He hesitated for a few days, wondering whether or not he actually had a chance with you. Due to his insecurities and his attempts at not seeming like a you-know-what, he usually attempts to ask you out in a sexual manner which is why you’d give him a soft rejection.

- Finally, one day he just couldn’t help it and swooped down while you were walking, kissing you and successfully stopping you in your tracks.

- If it had been anyone else, it would have probably made you angry but it was Rooney, and if you were being honest with yourself: you did like him back. He pulls away with a smile, wrapping an arm around your shoulder and continuing to walk you home as you try your best not to seem too giddy.

- When you get to your front door, he asks if you’ll go see a movie with him and you finally agree. A bit tentatively, he leans down and chastely kisses you once more before saying goodbye and walking off, leaving you looking forward to seeing him again.

- Congratulations, you’ve made the towns resident bully absolutely smitten with you.

- Lots of Pda, regardless of where the two of you are. He likes affection in general but he also likes the fact that everyone in town can see that the two of you are an item.

- Anytime he’s walking or standing with you, his arm is going to be around your shoulder whether you like it or not.

- Close; oftentimes tight, hugs.

- Pecks; both on the lips and just about everywhere else.

- Passionate kisses. Oftentimes, they’re a bit rough and somewhat sloppy.

- Neck kisses.

- Hickeys; if you’ll let him give you them.

- He likes cuddling on top of you, burying his face in your neck and snuggling close. He’s not so secretly a big softie when he’s with you.

- He likes lounging back and laying his head in your lap. He feels badass when everyone can see him not giving a shit about anything while being with a pretty girl.

- Sometimes, he’ll just want to lay his head on/in between your boobs. It doesn’t even have to be a sexual thing for him, you could be fully clothed and it wouldn’t make a difference, he just finds it comforting and cathartic.

- As handsome as he is, not many girls have given Rooney the time of day so he’s sort of starved for female attention and affection. Because of this, he’s incredibly invested in you and somewhat addicted to having you give him said things.

- Slow dancing together. He’ll lean down and sing in your ear as you do and you think it’s adorable; even if he’s just being stupid.

- He likes to just call you by your name because in his eyes, he can call anyone doll or sweetheart but only you are his y/n.

- Oftentimes, he doesn’t have a whole lot of money so most of your dates are cheap or things that don’t cost anything to do.

- Sitting together in secluded areas. Whenever you’re alone, he tends to drop his tough guy persona and be more sweet with you since no ones around to call him out on it.

- Buying him baseball cards. 

- His parents aren’t home a lot so you can usually chill at his house and listen to records or just talk, etc. It’s either his parents aren’t home or just don’t pay much attention to him so either way, you’re in the clear.

- Double dates. You’re the girlfriend who is supportive and friendly towards whatever poor girl got stuck going out with one of his friends.

- Going to Dani’s shop after school.

- Actually getting that Coke from him; when he has the money that is.

- He will force people to move so that he can sit down next to you. At this point, people just know to get out of the way.

- Pranks. He may or may not like to spook you a little.

- He tricks people into saying that you’re cute or giving you similar compliments. He likes to tease you but he also likes the pride he gets when they agree that his girl is beautiful; and then he roughs them up for hitting on his girlfriend.

- Stopping him from being a jerk to everyone. You’ll usually arrive just in time to pardon some guy from his punishment for being nerdy.

- Dirty jokes. If you say anything that sounds suggestive in any way, you’ll have to warn him not to say anything as he tries his best to contain the smile he wants to make.

- While some of his jokes definitely don’t land; either because they’re filth or just plain rude, he definitely has the ability to make you laugh; most likely or especially when he doesn’t mean to.

- Quickly; and secretly, visiting him when he’s serving his punishments and spending a ton of time with him during his suspension.

- If you go to a Christian school, then he’ll perfect; and tease you about, your confessions. He wants to spend as much time with you as he can so he’ll get you as little of a “punishment” as he can.

- Sneaking some of his dads liquor. He likes when you get all giggly; he thinks it’s cute if you get tipsy after only a few swigs since he’s got a pretty high tolerance.

- Always having a cigarette ready for you if you want it.

- You’re always allowed to just take his stuff, whether it be food, supplies, clothing, etc. He’s not a very uptight person in general so it just doesn’t bother him.

- Helping him with; or just doing some of, his homework and work.

- You’re the only one he really trusts and lets himself admit to not knowing things. If it were anyone else, he’d feel as though he’d have to pretend to know something as to not look like a complete fool.

- He likes being able to tell you things since you’re only hearing his side, meaning you’ll usually assure him that he was in the right whenever he’s ranting to you; even if he wasn’t in real life.

- He has like no sense of privacy. If you keep a diary, he’s going to read it and you’ll probably find him doing so. He’ll merely smile innocently like he did nothing wrong and say “so you really like me?” whenever you catch him.

- Have a problem? Don’t you worry! He’ll solve it! Him getting revenge for you is just the way that he shows he cares.

- He’ll never let you take the fall for anything but he rarely takes the fall himself which means someone innocent is getting blamed. You always feel bad when he succeeds but secretly sort of thankful.

- He’s not the greatest at comforting people but he certainly tries. He doesn’t like seeing you upset so he’ll do whatever he can to cheer you up; while trying to make himself not look like a complete sap.

- Jealous boy. I can see Ed being sort of insecure so that, doubled with how much he loves you and the fact that he doesn’t get to see you a ton, leaves you with a guy who doesn’t like other guys hanging around you. He’ll just plainly tell them to go away without any hesitation, giving a “what?” whenever you smack his arm or give him a look.

- No one; but him, is allowed to mess with you in anyway and since his father is a shithead, he knows how crappy people can be and is determined to prevent you from encountering said crappiness.

- With Ed being Ed, one can correctly assume that the two of you fight fairly often, though not always seriously. When you are being serious, he’ll raise his voice, insult you a little; and say goddamn a whole lot. He may cry a bit when you leave if things were really rough so rest assured he does really care about you.

- He doesn’t stay mad for long, he likes you too much to and usually finds that he’s the one who was in the wrong anyway. He tries to just smooth things over and pretend like nothing happened, usually saying a “c’mon, you’re not really upset are you” when you give him the silent treatment. Unless you really upset him, he doesn’t expect you to formally apologize either so it’s fair enough.

- He doesn’t tell you that he loves you constantly but he’ll give you a “god I love you” every now and again and that’s a whole lot better, now isn’t it?

- He likes to joke about marriage with you; usually blanketing it with a sexual joke, but he’s somewhat being serious and trying to gauge your reaction to the idea since he does actually want to marry you.

[queerlytical]

Unpacking my aversion to cis-het men - 08/12/2020

This is going to be a long one.  One I’m quite nervous about posting about even when I’m here anonymously!

Will probably refer to cis-het men as men/guys generally in this post btw. & the ex I refer to here is a guy I was with for 5 years which was an emotionally abusive relationship. 

I’ve recently started to challenge my feelings towards cis-het men.  Accepting that I have the judgement that all men are basically weak minded by not challenging society as it is (and therefore accepting of all the oppression), and are desperately affected by toxic masculinity.  

A small part of my brain knows that’s not true.  I have a couple of cis-het male friends who I love and are clearly not like that.  But when I think “what would be the problem if I ended up with a man in the future?” the other part of my brain immediately shuts the idea down like “why would you do such a thing?! you only like women, end of story”.  Thinking that the guys  who are open minded and unpacking their own priveleges/opinions etc. are so few and far between there is probably none left out there for me to meet.  

So I decided to challenge this notion.  And perhaps there is some underlying internal homophobia conflicting with these thoughts at the same time like “if I just gave men a chance.” or “it would be so much easier to just find a guy who is interested in me” (there is a lot underlying that quote tho - not that many wlw in my area, my personal feelings towards myself as to how cis-het men perceive me).

Along with challenging this notion, I have basically been craving to be dominated and penetrated in the bedroom, with no particular strings attached.  The people I’ve slept with this year weren’t great experiences and I just wanted someone to push me around and top me.  I know there are women who would gladly do that but the women I tend to date haven’t been like that and I’ve always been more of the top than the bottom.  I have never entertained a guy for sex where I have decided for myself that this is what’s going to happen, I’ve always been pursuaded into it (I didn’t learn about consent until the last couple of years, clearly). I wanted to feel that control.  I wanted to be the one to say, I’ve decided this this time.  And to see, how I would actually feel given that this was something I wanted and not sort of forced onto me.

I changed my Bumble search to include “everyone”.  Note that I had also ran out of women in my search radius by this stage so it was just men coming up now.  It was interesting.  I noticed that there are a lot of guy profiles that are basically the same - “where can you be found after work? the gym” or “what do you quote too much from? the office, US”.  Literally after swiping for about 10 minutes I could have written the exact same profile as like 40% of these profiles I was now faced with.  

I obviously ended up swiping left for the majority of guy profiles.  I paid more attention to the men who had kind eyes, nice smiles, beards (I love a beard strangely enough), and anything interesting in their profile.  I struggled to swipe right on white men in particular. I think this makes sense due to:

 my ex being white and racist (and I have a tendency to want to get as far as possible from this particular ex), 

a close friend who was my only white cis-het friend who then turned out to be a racist tory

my dad who is white, racist and homophobic (not terribly but enough to make me uncomfortable to discuss anything with him).  

Plus the general consensus that white cis-het men are the most priveleged in society and they can never understand someone like me, right?  Let alone have done any of the unpacking and learning about their own privilege..  

I matched with a few guys and had brief conversations with them before getting overwhelmed about messaging people on dating apps (happens whenever I can’t keep on top of messaging like more than one person at a time).  There were some okay chats, nothing overly flirty.  Some voicenotes which freaked me out a little, not 100% sure why hearing men’s voices so early after speaking to someone online scares me, but it’s probably because I’m not as comfortable sending voicenotes myself.  

There was a lot of me saying to myself “what am I doing?! LOLOLOL”

I’m going to talk about one of the guys in particular now.  We’ll call him Z.  Z’s profile was very minimal, basically just said “ask if you want to know more”.  But he had a nice face, lovely smile, and his first picture even looked quite feminine in the face - he has super long eyelashes and due to the lockdown hair he was wearing a hairband.  He’s Asian (Sikh) like my two closest friends.  I have spoken to him more than any of the other matches from Bumble.  We don’t really talk much of substance.  I told him I’m “basically a lesbian” quite early on  and he told me he’d been healing from a long relationship and was now “ready to have some fun”.  He didn’t seem particularly phased that I was into women, didn’t say anything cringey like “don’t worry, I’ll turn you” (which is what I used to get when I was younger).  This pushed the conversations in a direction where it was kind of agreed that this was all a bit of fun - flirty, sexual.  

My first experience with a guy being interested me back in high school eventually turned into a FWB situation so this type of relationship I am used to and basically expect from men..  I’m not particularly bother by this atm but might unpack this some more at some point.   

Anyway, as me and Z are just having some fun, I’ve not been vulnerable or told him much about things I care about - I don’t even think he knows my full name. It has actually been a breath of fresh air when I’ve been with people who are too intense for me throughout my dating life.  He is very much the kind of person I would never usually interact with too- likes and plays football, hangs with a group of “lads”.  I don’t think we have anything in common yet we still manage to chat (albeit with gaps of many hours in between some messages).

What did interest me about Z quite early on in our conversations is that he never said the word “girls”, always “women”.  I pointed this out to him and he confirmed he did that on purpose because he wouldn’t want to be referred to as a “boy” and that women deserve the same language used when referencing grown ass women.  This sticks in my mind as it definitely broke down one of my mental barriers around men not being able to understand “what’s the big deal”.  I think that’s probably why I’ve managed to speak to him for as long as we have.  Later on he also mentioned that people “can’t be fat shaming” which surprised me even more.  (Does my brain think cis-het men live under a rock or something?!).

We’ve been speaking 3 weeks at this stage.  We agreed to meet this weekend.  We ended up delaying it from Sunday to last night (Monday) because he was tired from a busy weekend and “wanted to give me the full experience”.  Surprisingly this didn’t make me super cringe.  I think I was probably more relieved to delay it another day as I was pretty nervous about how it would go, my head overthinking like - what if we have nothing to talk about? what if he comes all this way and I change my mind (as I am of course allowed to)? what if he’s a catfish and hurts me? etc. etc.  I don’t overthink this much when I date women.

So he was on his way.  I was running in circles getting ready like “WHAT AM I DOING?!!!”.  I had some rum to take the edge off and played the piano anxiously while he was on the way as something to take my mind off thinking about what was about to happen.

He arrived.  He was who he said he was.  He was the person who was in his pictures.  He was slightly slimmer than I expected but that was just the angles that his pictures were taken in.  It wasn’t awkward.  I poured us a drink and we sat on the sofa and chatted for a couple of hours.  He talked a lot, I hardly got a word in edgeways.  I didn’t mind as it put me at ease that there was no awkward silences. 

We finished our drinks.  I hadn’t left the heating on in my lounge so it had gotten quite cold..  I got closer to him.  Then we kissed.  It was nice.  I love kissing anyone who’s a good kisser no matter their gender. The excitement of the whole situation turned me on and we took it to my bedroom.

I struggled to look at him naked although when I did, I didn’t feel strange like I thought I would.  Obviously there is nothing wrong with the male form, I just haven’t seen a dude naked in my bedroom for years and when I was younger I used to tell myself I had phallophobia..  The sex was pretty much what I was looking for.  He didn’t bring a condom though which didn’t annoy me loads in the moment, despite him saying “I prefer without but ok” to which I replied “I don’t know where you’ve been” *eye roll*.  I thankfully had my own condoms (my stash usually for making dental dams, yno) but after I was kind of thinking to myself like “who the fuck goes to have casual sex with someone and doesn’t bring a condom when they have a penis?!”. I didn’t even let my ex bare-back me let alone some random dude.  

Anyway, I did it.  Consensual sex was better than any sex I had with my ex (not surprising).  He didn’t make me climax but it felt good (sex isn’t goal orientated for me but I know it was for him, as I assume it is with most men).  We held each other and chatted naked for a while after.  I think he wanted round 2 but I’m not sure I could have handled it.  He left relatively promptly after and I felt.. content.

I think I got what I wanted out of the experience.  It definitely boosted my confidence.  I’m not sure if I’ll see him again yet.  I definitely still feel very queer and mostly into women, I missed boobs a lot (like what do het-women hold onto?).

Part of me is like “okay next step is to see what it would be like to go on a romantic date with a guy” - something I have never ever done.  I don’t think I’ve been interested in it in the past (since growing up that is).  I can’t even imagine what it would be like because I would probably just treat them as my friend and have no clue how to flirt (if I even wanted to flirt).  But there are many conflicting thoughts about dating men romantically - what if it’s a success?  I’d end up feeling disowned by my new queer friends or judged by them, or what if I hurt someone?  how will dating guys impact how I feel about my own queerness??  I just settled back into my queer identity and now it feels I’m going backwards again.

I am definitely enjoying this new side to me that doesn’t take dating seriously and being comfortable that I don’t want a relationship right now and that’s okay!  I am continually learning about myself and trying to breakdown my own barriers so I can be my most true authentic self.  I’m having fun, and doing what’s best for me.  Which is a complete u-turn on the person I was less than a few years ago who just wanted to please everyone and was so depressed and burnt out doing so.

[troofless]

Under-appreciated light novels recommendation list, ranked in terms of PLEASE READ, to ehh, I’ll just put it in anyway:

Legend of Sun Knight (Completed Translation+Series): Set in a world of knights and magic, this series is golden comedy because the MC literally carries the plot. He’s smart, snarky and sleazy… but in a good way. I wrote about it here, but this series is for people who love comedy and political-castle-intrigue-level manipulation. ANYWAY PLEASE READ IT IT’S UP THERE ON MY TOP TEN BOOKS TO READ. No anime or manga translation. WHY.

Rakuin no Monshou (Completed Translation): For people who love the switching-the-royal-prince-with-a-body-double trope, political manoeuvring, military tactics, having the main character travel to different countries and exploring their governing system, and major character growth. No ecchi scenes, mentions of sex and rape (if any) are not elaborated on. Love between the MC and the female lead is more of a stranger to mutual respect to love, but since the female lead is literally 14-15 (they’re engaged to foster peace between two countries and not some lolicon thing), there are literally 0 sexy/blushy blushy/kissing/intimacy scenes between them. In the story their relationship feels less like a lovey dovey couple and more like the relationship between two generals that trust each other. This doesn’t have an anime or manga series after it. Why.

Only Sense Online (Ongoing Translation, Ongoing Series): Unlike the recent isekai and trapped-in-an-online-game-and-if-you-die-in-the-game-you-die-for-realsies trends that are going around right now, this is just a game where the MC has fun playing a normal VRMMO and makes new friends in it. …In fact, the MC isn’t an otaku or a game maniac, his sister and childhood friend are the ones crazy about levelling up and doing all the main subjugation-monster quests and everything, he’s more of the chill type who’d rather hang back and craft stuff to sell in his shop. He likes doing things at his own pace and learning how to craft new things in his own time. Instead of battling monsters and levelling up, he’s more likely to be seen harvesting items and mining rocks. Oh, and also at the start of the game he mis-clicked and is stuck in a female avatar, and combined with his mothering, take-care-of-everyone personality, everyone treats him like like a ‘nanny’ and is in awe of his ‘moe-ness’, even though he keeps insisting he’s a guy. One of the story’s underlying message is that different people have different ways of enjoying the same game, be it doing quests in a party, creating items to support players, roleplaying, and even PKing, and that’s okay because that’s what a game is for. No angst or permanent character deaths (it is a game after all), tis for warming your heart with the sheer sunny goodness that is the MC. No ecchi. Has an ongoing manga series, but no anime.

Hidan no Aria (Ongoing Translation, Completed Series): MC goes to a 'military’ school that trains students to be armed detectives, or as they say, ‘Butei’ (Busou Tantei). Think mercenaries. Female MC is a OP genius and major tsundere, only out-shadowed by our MC. MC considers himself weak, and because of his genes, his innate OP powers is only triggered when a certain condition is met: aka when he is sexually aroused. (Insert sexy times.) In this mode he doesn’t get flashy superpowers or anything (at least, by the world’s standard) — all it does it accelerate his brain’s thought process, but it gets so OP to the point where can deflect bullets with his own bullets and slice bullets in two with his knife. OP God Mode. This trigger also turns him into a major flirt and gigolo that can’t say no to a girl, which caused him to actively seek to avoid situations where he is in close contact with girls to prevent being triggered. Has a ‘harem’ of girls if you wanna call it that way, but even though the story is halfway translated as of now, it’s obvious he’s fallen for the main female lead. You’d only want to read this story to find out the next BS thing the MC does when he’s triggered, and it can only get higher and higher. Seriously, the moment where he catches a bullet in his teeth (way later in the story) gives you the best feeling ever. To put it in the Female MC’s words: "How about that rating, Kinji? Being classed by the world as a dangerous character who fights non-humans? Tell me how do you like that?” And his words: "–I’m a senior high school student. My grades are slightly below average, and I attend a violent school.”, and his monologue: [At least that was what I want to be. Honestly…] Had a 2011 anime and ongoing manga series, as well as a Yuri spinoff series (as per the usual anime law decreeing that all spinoffs have to have Yuri plot in them, see Soul Eater and Fate Prisma).

Baka to Test to Shoukanjuu (Completed Translation + Series): Idiots doing idiotic things in school. Interesting battle system, with loads of comedy. Loads. Of. Comedy. No ecchi scenes. Had an two-season anime series in 2010 and 2011, and a manga series.

Chrome Shelled Regios (Completed Translation + Series): Main character is OP but gets debuffed at the very start, tries to restart his life as a normal person but realises that his innate talent for fighting doesn’t allow him to. Has many female love interests but at the end MC only chooses one. ‘Magic’ system works a little differently from conventional sources, nearing more to martial arts style, and telekinesis-telepathy combination rather than enchanting-spell type. What else can I say other than the MC controls a weapon made of thousands of infinitely thin and sharp wires that he uses to slice bugs (the main enemy) up with... which is so badass. (Though his main weapon is a sword.) No ecchi scenes. The sideplot about ‘fate’ and the history of the setting gets a little confusing though. This had an anime, but since the director died right before the 2009 anime ended it’s unlikely that a second season will come out. It does have a manga side plot series that is completed and a great accompaniment to the main light novel.

CubexCursedxCurious (Completed Translation + Series): MC lives in a house that is apparently so holy that cursed weapons journey there to get purified and lift their cursed. Oh yeah, and some cursed weapons can turn into people too (Soul Eater style?). Wielding the weapons will obviously give you great power, but it also has serious drawbacks, e.g. A sword cursed to be able to slice through anything, drawback is that their owner will be consumed by bloodlust and is compelled to draw blood with that sword (in other words, the old regular cursed sword rule). MC is of course immune to curses (and so he can wield that sword) because he was born in that holy place. Female lead is originally a torture device made of 32 different torture tools, including Iron Maiden, Guillotine, Pendulum, etc. Literally the first scene is the female lead found naked (since her real form is a mcfreaking cube I would not be surprised) in the MC’s kitchen looking for food to eat so let there be a representative of the subsequent ecchi scenes to be found. The cursed tool system is cool, anyway. MC doesn’t end up with anyone is particular. Plus point: Not all female characters introduced are in love with the male MC. Just three (3) girls. Also, the second light novel doesn’t feature the ‘second’ heroine’s backstory arc like a lot of light novels do... but instead a couple of a girl and a genderfluid character. Cool stuff. Had a 2011 anime and (very behind) manga series.

Other more well known ones:

Mahou Shoujo Ikusei Keikaku (Up to Date Translation, Ongoing Series): Think Battle Royale x Danganronpa x the Mahou Shoujo Trope. Lots of blood and death, so don’t bother if you don’t want to see your favourite character die/put through lots of angst and depression. Each Magical Girl has different superpowers and you’d only want to read it in hopes of seeing your favourite character live to the end/have a cool death scene/have cool action scenes in general. One of the underlying themes was that it’s not a given that powerful people will always win; the strong can be overthrown by the weak (I can think of at least two occasions), a person can win a killing game without any blood on their hands, and the magical government is pretty much corrupt. Had a recent 2016 anime series and a manga series.

Hyouka (Up to Date Translation and Series): Based on Agatha Christie stories, think mysteries but without any actual murder.

And then I’ll throw in a few English books to show that I have good taste in books:

Captive Prince by CS Pacat: Gayyyyy + lots of politics. THE ROMANCE THOUGH.... enemies to tentative friends to hostile ‘ah we’re supposed to be on opposing sides as enemies of each other’s nation’ to lovers YEAAHHHHHHH. Some parts are explicit, yeah.

In Other Lands by Sarah Rees Brennan: MC was dragged into a magical military academy in a magical land to be a child soldier, but instead of being typical Harry Potter he is snarky, sarcastic and actually raises valid questions like why the heck are they raising child soldiers??? Bisexual icon male MC who is also a pacifist I love him he must be protected

Code Name Verity by Elizabeth Wein: War story narrated by a spy who was caught by enemy soldiers and forced to reveal her state secrets in the form of written narrative. Mystery and unreliable narrator time! If you can survive the first few draggy chapters and then a little more the reveal is SO. REWARDING. Female MC.

Good Omens by Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett: I tried recommending this to my friend and sadly I realised that if you have no background knowledge on Christianity and what the apocalypse details you may not find this interesting. It’s a shame because it’s so funny. EDIT: I’m so glad it got a TV series??? That means more people will read the book, which is amazing, right??? 

The Sherwood Ring by Elizabeth Marie Pope: Female MC and the story of her ancestor’s romances (think short story-style but all connected together). Straight romance. Female MC.

Any book by Brandon Sanderson: Yes. Just… yes.

Summers at Castle Auburn by Sharon Shinn: A bastard girl stays in the castle with her royal relatives for the summer. (If you’re wondering there is discrimination against her as a commoner but overall she is loved by her family there.) Somehow the only page I have bookmarked in this book is the part near the end where the MC commits royal crimes, and is slapped by the king, giving the reader no small amount of satisfaction. Fantasy-style with small amount of political intrigue, female MC is a apprentice hedgewitch so she knows herbal knowledge (which is a prominent part of the book when she uses it?). Anyway, please read.

A Posse of Princesses by Sherwood Smith: Female princess MC is invited to a large one week (?) party with the other country’s princes and princesses to celebrate this big county’s prince’s great birthday or smth. Some political intrigue and also great plot twist. At the end of it I got really invested in the romance between the side characters bc they were really well developed lol..

The Queen’s Thief Series by Megan Whalen Turner: The third book is my favourite book because I love the MC (Costis!!!!!), bless his innocent soul (COSTIS!!!!!!) caught up in the nefarious plots of the first book MC. Little romance and more of political plots.

Warriors by Erin Hunter: I had to include at least one joke book and this was it. Anyway this was the series I grew up reading, honestly the third series had the best MC in the blind, grumpy, no-nonsense healer who is so refreshingly different from a normal ‘hero archetype’ MC. (*whisper* You gotta talk about the furries, troof!) Oh. Oh yeah, they’re all cats.

[ser-yolomere-of-swagalore]

Man, I’m honestly so exhausted with all of this family-related drama. It’s gone well past the point where it was a “look at how fucked up my family is isn’t in wild” point of conversation and has just turned into something genuinely exhausting, and yes, people are most likely sick of me moaning and complaining about it, but I’m honestly just so tired. This whole crap with my sister-- helping look after her kid, putting up with her abuse, seeing the effect it has on my brother and my mam-- has just gotten so out of hand so long and drawn out and ridiculous that I really just don’t want anything to do with it any more. I love Liah, I really do. I’ve helped raise her for over a year and in that time I’ve learned how rewarding it can be to help raise kids, and it’s made me realize that I definitely do want kids one day, but this responsibility and the drama that comes along with it was something I never asked for. I took it up out of sheer necessity. My mother is 51 years old, with a bad back and a heel spur, and she just doesn’t have the energy to look after a growing, five-year-old girl any more, and so I’ve left to do a lot of what a traditional parent does. I get up with her in the mornings my mum doesn’t have to be up already, I get her ready, I bring her to school, I pick her up, I entertain her while mum is working, feed her, dress her, put her to bed, read her bedtime stories, do her homework with her... the list goes on. And like I said, it’s not like these are the parts that I resent; Liah is so loving and such a funny little kid, and I love her so damn much. These are valuable, bonding experiences that I have with her and every time she tells me she loves me or any time she laughs whenever we’re playing our games or we share one of our little jokes is so lovely that it does make it all feel as though it’s all worthwhile. But, the perpetual, constant effort and the time and the energy that doing stuff like this takes on top of knowing that the whole reason I’m even doing this is because my sister just isn’t capable and to a large part unwilling to is making me increasingly bitter and angry. Then we have the periodic battles with Sean over custody and access, the stuff that my sister does all of the time seeking attention or otherwise just doing what she wants to do without regard to the consequences or other people’s feelings, seeing my mam getting so stressed out and anxious as much as I am, seeing the lies and the horrible things that my sister has said affecting my brother, the anxieties that I have over my own future, over Liah’s future, the impacts it has on my mam’s health... it’s just so enraging. To think that my sister can so casually, so effortless relinquish the responsibility of raising the child she gave birth to, but then turn around and claim me and my mam are X, Y, and Z, cause more drama and more worry and more anxiety, just because she misses her and has decided she wants to be a half-decent mother for five minutes.  I remember when I last met with my aunt and uncle from the states (two of my absolute favourite people in the world, and people who I should try and keep in contact with more) and we were in Brother Hubbards in town, and I talked to them a little bit about what was going on with my sister, the pressure I felt like I was under, and they were so wonderful and understanding. They’ve always been incredibly supportive and encouraging (they see potential in me somewhere, I suppose, or perhaps they just feel sorry for me knowing what’s going on-- god that sounds pathetic) and when I gave them all the details they said that my sister was a vortex, and that I was getting slowly dragged into what she was doing to herself. If I didn’t pull myself out of it I’d end up trapped in it indefinitely, but what does pulling myself out of it even mean? Leaving my mam here alone to deal with all of this? Leaving Liah when she’s already so attached to me and end up hurting the both of us, but perhaps her moreso because she’s already lost her dad and her mam? I don’t want to do that. I don’t think I’d be able to happy knowing that I’ve just jumped so much responsibility and left it all with my mam, and knowing that Liah would miss me. And besides, how am I supposed to get out anyway? That kind of idea requires mobility, which requires money, not something I have a whole lot of. Hopefully, when I do get a job (THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET TWO MONTHS AGO HELLO COSTA???) I’ll be able to save up and maybe just get an apartment somewhere? Maybe that would be enough to erect some very much needed distance? Or would I just get dragged into it no matter how far I go? I honestly don’t know at this stage, and don’t know if I’ll even be able to do that if the opportunity does come around.  I mean, I’m sitting at home with Liah, watching Tangled with her, and as much as I’m trying to put on a happy and funny face for her, I’m also waiting for the guards to come because Sean decided that he wasn’t going to pick Liah up like he was supposed to last weekend and moved it to this weekend instead, even though the court order says it’s only every two weeks. He came, I had to argue with him at the door, he said that we breaking a court order for the third time(???) and then went to my aunt Mandy’s, because my sister, on the phone, told him that’s where she often brings her when she’s in work, then he gave Mandy shit when she’s nothing to do with this, said he was bringing the guards to her house too, then my mam got a call off the guards... etc., etc. So right now I don’t know if he’s going to turn up still, with the guards and my loud, unpredicated, batshit insane sister and demand to see her. I’m here, on my own, with Liah, trying to keep her entertained and pay attention to her cute little commentaries on Rapunzel's hair or respond to her silly little faces, but in reality I’m anxious as fuck worrying about what I’m going to do should that happen.  I never asked for any of this. I never did anything in all of this to warrant this. I wasn’t the one who had a child and got with a man who turned out to be a domineering, imperious asshat with the emotional intelligence of a laminated sheet who decided, all of a sudden, that he was Liah’s father. I should be working and saving up for my master’s degree and planning my future rather than rushing home to look after my niece and entertain her. I should be texting friends on my days off and asking if they’re free for a few pints or if they want to head out somewhere and hangout. Instead, I’m sitting here with my niece on my lap, looking out the window like a paranoid schizophrenic every time a car goes by thinking it’s either Sean and the guards and planning about what I’m going to say or do-- I can only imagine what my neighbours think every time I peek my goofy looking head out the window to check if it’s him. I’m incredibly anxious, feeling almost as though I’m on the verge of an anxiety attack (I probably sound like a right Tumblrina atm but that is something I’ve actually started having since all this started), and even when there’s nothing immediately wrong there are still these underlying issues and worries-- how long is this going to go on? Am I even doing a good job doing what I’m doing or am I only making things worse? Is this what my whole life is going to revolve around now? Liah is only 5, how long am I going to have to be an informal parent / steward / guardian for her? Until she’s 18? What impact is that going to have on my future? Despite being unemployed I feel as though I have so little time to myself any more. I can’t really read uninterrupted because I feel guilty about just plopping Liah in front of a television screen for two long and not interacting with her, and the same applies to playing games or even just hanging around on the internet for too long.  And people are probably wondering; well, why not just let Sean look after Liah? He’s clearly quite willing to considering he’s going through so much trouble himself to even just get access. And the truth is that we’re uncomfortable with Sean. Beside me and my mam’s own personal distaste for his character (he’s, as I said, imperious, demanding, condescending, disdainful, etc.) he’s also got a weird personal history that we feel is pretty suspect. I mean, the guy has sort of casually slipped into a number of family’s lives and taken on a very, well, “affectionate” attitude towards these people’s kids. I think he seems himself as a form of surrogate father for these people’s kids, and that makes me... uncomfortable. Why does he feel the need to become so close to these kids? He’s done so against the wishes of at least one family, as people have cut off contact with him for telling them how to raise their kids when he’s not even related to them and their parents are doing a perfectly fine job. Then there’s the duplicity, the willingness to listen to Michelle’s bullshit when he probably knows full well that she’s spouting lies because it provides an excellent starting point for legal invectives in court, the fact that he insists on Liah calling him Daddy when we’ve already expressed we’re uncomfortable with that, the fact that he sent messages to Liah’s father’s biological family implicating that Michelle attacked his mother... it’s just a whole load of bullshit, and we’re not happy with it. But, unfortunately, the courts ruled that he’s entitled to loco parentis because, when Michelle got involved with him, he spent enough time around Liah to be entitled to it. Now, the judge the last time we were in court said that we it up to him and had he been there at the ruling where he had been given it, he wouldn’t have given it at all, but unfortunately due to either a case of the judge’s oversight or simply because it appeared at the time that he was a good man worthy of it, he was awarded it. So that’s what we have to deal with. His constant butting into our lives because he was awarded loco parentis and visitation rights. Plus, Liah does love him. Misguidedly so, but she’s five, you obviously can’t blame her for that. And it’s painful to think about how heartbroken she would be were it a case she wouldn’t see him again-- although we do believe it’d be better in the long run. 

So that’s really it at the moment, anyway. I’m so fed up but I don’t know what to do.