#poignant and intense but not necessarily all sad

[libraryleopard]

Poetry

Explores loss, cancer, and death

Favorite poems: "My Unopened Life," "Lady Betty," "Apparition," "Dream Doughnuts," "Dear Ghosts,," "Old Spot," and "Sixteenth Anniversary"

[seven-meds]

Thinking about love and loneliness. The most poignant and relatable description of loving and being loved that I’ve ever read is this passage from The Ballad of the Sad Café by Carson McCullers. I return to it very often:

First of all, love is a joint experience between two persons - but the fact that it is a joint experience does not mean that it is a similar experience to the two people involved. There are the lover and the beloved, but these two come from different countries. Often the beloved is only a stimulus for all the stored-up love which has lain quietly within the lover for a long time hitherto. And somehow every lover knows this. He feels in his soul that his love is a solitary thing. He comes to know a new strange loneliness and it is this knowledge which makes him suffer. So there is only one thing for the lover to do. He must house his love within himself as best he can; he must create for himself a whole new inward world - a world intense and strange, complete in himself. Let it be added here that this lover of whom we speak need not necessarily be a young man saving for a wedding ring - this lover can be a man, woman, child, or indeed any human creature on this earth. Now, the beloved can also be of any description. The most outlandish people can be the stimulus for love. A man may be a doddering great-grandfather and still love only a strange girl he saw in the streets of Cheehaw one afternoon two decades past. The preacher may love a fallen woman. The beloved may be treacherous, greasy-headed, and given to evil habits. Yes, and the lover may see this as clearly as anyone else - but that does not affect the evolution of his love one whit. A most mediocre person can be the object of a love which is wild, extravagant, and beautiful as the poison lilies of the swamp. A good man may be the stimulus for a love both violent and debased, or a jabbering madman may bring about in the soul of someone a tender and simple idyll. Therefore, the value and quality of any love is determined by the lover himself. It is for this reason that most of us would rather love than be loved. Almost everyone wants to be the lover. And the curt truth is that, in a deep secret way, the state of being beloved is intolerable to many. The beloved fears and hates the lover, and with the best of reasons. For the lover is forever trying to strip bare his beloved. The lover craves any possible relation with the beloved, even if this experience can cause him only pain.

[sunshine304]

Movies watched in 2023: Dungeons & Dragons - Honor Among Thieves

(crossposted from Dreamwidth)

I had a blast watching “Dungeons & Dragons: Honor Among Thieves”! Everyone who wants to have a good time and doesn’t have an intense hatred of all things fantasy should go and watch this, because I want this movie to be successful and have many sequels. Not necessarily with all the same characters, because some character arcs seem to have come to a satisfying conclusion, but in this world and with this general tone of delight in the subject matter. That would be great!   What I love especially about this movie by directors Jonathan Goldstein and John Francis Daley (“Game Night”, which already should be an indicator for quality comedy) is that it’s very accessible even for people who are unfamiliar with the whole DnD world/game. I’ve never played it and I only know a little bit about how it works. I guess that a DnD player will get a whole lot more out of this movie than I did, because I’m sure there are many fun things to discover for fans in this movie. I also know that players found many scenes very relatable, easily imagining what that scene would look like being played around a table. But even if you're totally unfamiliar with DnD, this movie is very entertaining.

But what is the movie about?

Roguish Bard Edgin (Chris Pine) and his best friend Holga (Michelle Rodriguez), a taciturn Barbarian, finally get out of prison, where they’ve been for two years after a heist gone wrong. They immediately try to locate Edgin’s daughter Kira (Chloe Coleman), who was left in the care of their former colleague Forge (Hugh Grant). Turns out that Forge really went up in the world, now being a Lord and ruler of a kingdom. Also turns out that he betrayed Edgin and Holga and told Kira all kinds of lies about her father. Fleeing from the city for now, Edgin is determined to not only get his daughter back, but also steal the Tablet of Resurrection from Forge – the fabled artifact that their heist-gone-wrong was all about and that he wants to use to resurrect his dead wife. But how to get his revenge? Well, they’ll definitely need a sorcerer for this, and a druid would be great as well, which is how former teammate Simon (Justice Smith) and his acquaintance Doric (Sophia Lillis) join their team. But that’s only the beginning of their quest…   Chris Pine is perfect as the disillusioned bard. He has to do a lot of heavy lifting with exposition, but he sells it so well that it’s never grating. The whole cold open is a big exposition scene and not only hilarious but also quite moving, too. He’s a strong enough actor to also carry the more emotional scenes, and his talent for comedy is well utilised. I also really liked the team as a whole; Rodriguez, Smith and Lillis work well together, and especially the friendship between Edgin and Holga is very believable. (Also, how refreshing to have a friendship between a man and a woman that is loving and trusting but also still stays a friendship without any forced romance crammed in?!) Doric is a great character and gets some cool scenes with her shapeshifting powers, and Simon also has a little arc of his own that is well done and has a cool pay off in the end.   Hugh Grant obviously is still having a blast to play smarmy villains and he does so to best effect here. At his side is Daisy Head as sorcerer Sofina, her dead-eyed stare truly chilling at times. And of course a special shout to Regé-Jean Page as Paladin Xenk, whose role isn’t as big as the trailers make it seem, but who is a hilarious addition to the quest and seems to bring huge joy to all DnD players as his character type is very recognisable.

I loved the tone of the movie. It is frequently funny, sometimes hilarious, with great quips and one-liners or entertaining dialogue and sight gags, but – and this is important – it laos gives emotional moments time to breathe. It doesn’t feel the need to undercut a sad or poignant moment with a quip, it’s really genuine in how the characters interact and it takes its characters seriously. A great example is the scene were Holga meets her ex again. The scene starts out funny and predictably awkward, but as it progresses, it actually becomes a quite heartfelt scene with two adults being mature about their break-up.   The special effects were great for the most part, and I also loved that they used many practical effects and also shot a lot on location. The movie was expensive but it shows. The world we’re presented with feels lived in, like there are stories around the corner. Really good production design, the costumes were awesome, too (check out Xenk’s armour! XD), and a lot of opportunity for horse girls like me to appreciate pretty horses. I also really enjoyed the action sequences and set pieces; for once, they weren'r edited to death or being dragged down by unnecessary shaky cam.

I also want to thank the movie for the decision to not end on a cliffhanger. There was a moment where a cliffhanger could easily be used, and looking at online discussions, many people basically expected the movie to end there. But they didn’t do that, they actually told the story completely and it was a good decision. And another heartfelt thank you for being proof that "set up - pay off" works for a reason!   Some stand out scenes in no particular order that either were incredibly funny or really, really cool:   - "JARNATHAN!" MVP character right there XD - that dragon! XD (shame that the dragon is in the promo, they should've kept it a secret) - the whole graveyard interrogation XD - botched guard distraction XD (Which will likely become a new meme or something) - the whole final battle in the streets - the brain eater monsters XD - the fucking bridge! XD XD (But basically that whole part of the quest was amazing.) - “He walks in such a straight line…” XD   Can’t recommend this enough! Really give it a shot in the cinema if you can. The trailers don’t do this movie justice, it’s far funnier and a real feel good movie!  

[utilitycaster]

You Write Angst Not Tragedies

This might be my most “what if this trend in fandom preferences in story and meta is the sign of larger issues within fandom qua fandom” writing yet but I think it’s worth talking about. Also many thanks to everyone who said they wanted to hear this rant; I was going to probably do it anyway but this lit the proverbial fire under my ass.

There’s a marked preference in much of fandom for angst over tragedy, and while the way we all deal with negative emotions is complicated and personal and what one does in fanfic and headcanon is one’s own concern, I think in terms of story and meta, an overabundance of angst lessens the impact of tragedy.

To define the two as I’m using it: tragedy is about things going wrong in a way that causes emotional pain, and how it affects the characters (and audience).

Angst is, at its best (and it does have a purpose) about exploring those negative feelings, but at its worth, in squeezing sadness from minor or at times nonexistent details to the detriment of the larger story.

A tragedy is a story - either in the classic theatrical sense of a story that ends with death and failure, or in a more modern sense in which those things occur within the context of a larger narrative. Angst is a tiny piece of that, often taken out of context. It’s a few points of a much larger arc, again at its best.

I find that angst isn’t quite the same as baseless theories, but they occupy a similar place in my mind; they’re both for people who want raw emotion over plot or reality, and often for people who I think want to feel they’ve tapped into something special and hidden when in fact there was nothing in particular waiting for them beneath the surface.

I think the best example is character death. The immediate response of others is often full of angst, with intense, acute grief, and anger, and all sorts of messy emotions, and spending time in that space with the affected characters is I think very healthy! The problem is that people don’t want to move forward from there, and in extreme cases they also wanted the emotion without the death.

The problem is grief is a long and complicated process and it often doesn’t look pretty or even necessarily relatable. Sometimes it looks like people very slowly going down a dangerous or harmful route, or pushing others away in a manner that doesn’t end with a hug and a therapist-approved conversation about needing to express yourself, or just...nothingness. And sometimes it looks like being pretty much fine most of the time except for very weird and specific things, and often those weird and specific things aren’t poetic or poignant at all and are even faintly ridiculous or offensive.

And I think those stories are important to tell and I think that actually, a decent amount of fantasy, and especially something as long-running as D&D campaigns, is well-suited to tell them. But the responses to those long and weird and at times uncomfortable stories is often very reductive - criticizing the characters going through grief in a realistic way, or criticizing the storyteller(s), or wanting the pain but no lasting consequences nor complications.

I would say the disproportionate focus on lifespan angst is perhaps the purest form of it that I see. By its very nature lifespan angst takes place when the story is ended. There are no consequences, no canonical messiness. However, it also assumes the characters freeze where they are; that someone who knows they will outlive a partner or friend by centuries never makes others. It is stagnation. It is a refusal to allow the story to move forward when unobserved. It is another empty vessel on which to project whatever you want without having to consider the actual tragedy that led to the angst. It’s results with no work. It’s lazy and uninspiring.

It’s not limited to grief, though, and the other way in which it annoys me is the oddly mercenary, in a way, mining of angst from nothing. In this case it often builds on known tragedies - even sources of angst - but adds unnecessary detail that often detracts from the story. The trend that sticks out to me the most is people adding physical or further emotionally abusive details to the histories of characters with neglect, which tends to have the unfortunate implication that neglect doesn’t ‘count’ to the same extent. The same sort of thing occurs with most examples of this form of angst - it takes something that is already in itself painful or tragic and then unnecessarily embellishes it, with the underlying attitude of “no, that wasn’t enough,” and often with additional strains to credibility that throw me so far out of the story I’m just looking at it going “this is what you want?”

In short: some angst is fine, and it’s an entire subtype of fanfiction for a reason, but the focus on angst is so frequently coupled with an inability to handle any true tragedy in the narrative, which strikes me as childish and dull.

[hesawreck08]

What I love most about Will's music is probably the amount of "moments" that are in his discography. By a moment I mean a part of a song (not necessarily a huge section) that is just so poignant and emotionally impactful.

A couple examples for me personally would be:

- "None of us know the words and only the melody matters, lalalalallalalala matters" - souls

- "I wish I was a kid with an adult boyfriend" ×100 - Beach Fagz

- In the last part of I Want You To Know I'm awake / I Hope That You're Asleep, when there are crescendo between the lyrics and there are background vocals of "I hope that you are!" that Will just screams and it rips my heart out

- "Don't worry, you and me won't be alone no more" × 100 - Sober to Death, both versions

- When all of the lyrics overlap at the end of Happy News For Sadness

Will is just so amazing at conveying such intense emotions in his music and I am entirely convinced he is a genius.

[lilys-hazel-eyes]

Beauty as Morality in Les Mis (Pt 2)

The idea of reflecting characters’ morality onto their faces becomes more complicated when you consider that the morality of complex characters can shift within a story, or even within a scene. Hugo manages this by…sometimes just changing characters’ appearances in the span of a single page. 

Valjean

The first instance of this—which was actually what inspired me to start this write-up—happens after Jean Valjean’s encounters with the bishop and Petit-Gervais. The guilt and forgiveness he experiences make him “a changed man”, but then we get this line:

“It was more than a transformation; it was a transfiguration.” (1.7.3)

Why is this clarification necessary? Because unlike the relatively vague “transformation”, “transfiguration” is explicitly physical. That is someone can transform their appearance or their behavior, but only one’s appearance can be transfigured. And transfiguration also carries religious connotations, meaning the outward change caused by spiritual growth—fitting for Valjean’s story of finding new religious faith.

We see a rapid change in Valjean’s appearance one other time in Part One: when, just before he testifies before the court on behalf of Champmathieu, his hair turns from grey to white within an hour. This isn’t realistic in the slightest, but that isn’t what Hugo’s going for—this is a modern fairytale, and life-changing moral dilemmas are sufficiently powerful to transfigure a person’s looks.

Javert

“Javert unsmiling was a bulldog; when he laughed he was a tiger. For the rest – a narrow brow and a large jaw, locks of hair concealing the forehead and falling over the eyebrows, permanent wrinkles between the eyes resembling a star of wrath, a dark gaze, a tight, formidable mouth, a look of fierce command.” (1.5.5). This is the first description we get of Javert’s character, when he is suspicious of Valjean as M. Madeleine but has not yet acted on his instincts. Other words used to describe his looks include “disconcerting”, “savage”, “cold and piercing”. These carry a negative and somewhat threatening connotation, but it’s important to note that none of these characteristics are necessarily “ugly” so much as they are imposing. This corresponds to the essence of Javert’s character, best said in Hugo’s own words: 

“His mental attitude was compounded of two very simple principles, admirable in themselves but which, by carrying them to extremes, he made almost evil—respect for authority and hatred of revolt against it.” 

When Javert’s morality is at the point of “almost evil”, his appearance can be summed up as intimidating. This changes, however, when he goes to arrest Valjean after his confession on behalf of Champmathuieu. What follows is what immediately occurs upon that confrontation: 

“In the moment when the eyes of the two men met, Javert, without having moved or made the least gesture, became hideous...The certain knowledge that now at last he held Jean Valjean brought his whole soul into his eyes…Delight was manifest in the arrogance of his bearing, in the ugly triumph that seemed to radiate from his narrow head, in the whole panoply of ugliness that intense gratification can induce...Nothing could have been more poignant or more heartrending than that countenance on which was inscribed all the evil in what is good.” 

As soon as Javert’s moral compass goes from “almost evil” to “all the evil”, his appearance changes from disconcertingly intimidating to hideous. Hugo even explains this concept further in this line:

“Integrity, sincerity, honesty, conviction, the sense of duty, these are qualities which, being misguided, may become hideous” 

And that’s exactly what happens to Javert when his own moral virtue is misguided towards cruelty.

Fantine

When Fantine is introduced, Hugo gives as a very complimentary description of her appearance over a few chapters: 

“She was beautiful and had stayed pure as long as she could” (1.3.2), “enchantingly pretty” (1.3.3), with a “sensually upturned” mouth, “long eyelashes”, “beautiful white teeth”, and “thick golden locks.” She is “sculptural and exquisite...beautiful without being too aware of it.” 

At this point in her life, Fantine embodies purity, modesty, and the innocence of love. She hasn’t known much hardship, and her optimistic view of the world and naïve trust in Tholomyes reflect this. When this changes, Fantine becomes more bitter and less joyful. The degradation of Fantine’s appearance, however, is much more literal than the sudden changes of Valjean and Javert—of course, living in poverty has an effect on one’s appearance. 

In Fantine’s case, beauty is as much a cause of her unhappiness as it is a reflection of it. She takes pride in her beauty, and it shows most when she expresses her love of Cosette. Take, for example, Fantine’s reaction to selling her hair:

“My daughter’s not cold any more,’ thought Fantine. ‘I have dressed her in my hair.’ She wore small mob-caps to hide her shorn head and still looked pretty.” (1.5.10)

But though Fantine remains pretty while she thinks of Cosette, the loss of her hair (which is the biggest symbol of her beauty) also affects her happiness:

“But a dark change was taking place within her. Now that she could no longer do up her hair she conceived a hatred for all mankind.” (1.5.10)

Just before Fantine becomes a prostitute—reaching the lowest point of her arc and representing the total loss of the virtue and innocence for which she was lauded in her introduction—she throws away her mirror (1.5.10). She has given up on her beauty, and no longer takes pride in her appearance. I think it’s especially important that she throws it away rather than selling it as she does the rest of her belongings. If she had sold her mirror, we could simply explain it as a fact of necessity, but the apathy implied by the short, simple sentence “Fantine threw away her mirror” makes the symbolic nature of this action very clear: “She had lost all shame and was losing all personal pride.”

While Fantine remains in this state, she’s described as “a sad and garish ghost” (1.5.12), devoid of all color and beauty. This only changes slightly when she is again given the hope of seeing Cosette, once in the hospital: 

“Her livid pallor was turned to a more gentle whiteness and there was a lustre on her cheeks.” (1.8.1)

xx

Sorry this part took so long! Not sure when the next one will be up, but it’ll probably go into parts 2 and 3.

[fatalism-and-villainy]

Nobody asked for a Qi Ye reaction post but here one is nonetheless (at almost 1500 words.... hello.)

[~spoilers~]

One of the first things I can say is that I love love LOVE Priest’s writing style. It’s hard to say how much of this is a translation thing, because I did get the vibe that this translation was a lot smoother and better than the other cnovel translations I happen to have read. But god!! Her style is very densely allusive, and a challenge to follow at times, but so so beautiful. The story’s narration also shifts perspective a lot in the middle of chapters, which gives it this almost cinematic bird’s eye effect for me (except with internal-emotional states more than visuals). I can see it being the kind of thing that might bother people, but I love it – and I think that it ties in with the themes about the ephemerality and impermanence of life, and the way these little moments are all part of a much bigger sphere of existence.

I also like the way she does humour more than MXTX, honestly? I find the slapstick humour in MXTX’s works to be overdone and distracting from the other story and characterization work going on in her works. Whereas here, the humour landed more and also felt like it tied in more with the actual development of character and themes. Like, for instance, Liang Jiuxiao’s battle with the sable wherein he gets scratched every time and exhausts Beiyuan’s entire supply of antidote – it’s over the top, but also genuinely funny to me, AND I feel the comedic setup of Liang Jiuxiao constantly being an unwanted visitor contrasts very well with the entire heartbreaking scenario involving Beiyuan drugging him for Zhou Zishu, as well as his general progression from a Pure of Heart, Dumb of Ass archetype to being completely shattered by the evil and corruption in the world.

(The Sex and Kissing stuff is also, imo, more sensual and generally hotter to me than MXTX’s stuff – not trying to pick on her specifically, she’s just my only point of comparison for these novels.)

The main romance is ehhh… Mixed Feelings? I loved Wu Xi in all the parts he wasn’t playing the role of “love interest who expresses their love via violent jealousy”, but the parts where he WAS…. woof. Like, I don’t necessarily mind jealousy when it’s internal sensations, or when it’s a very intentionally fucked up dynamic, but I like it less so when it’s couple who’s riding off into the sunset and are the only foil to the general aura of melancholy and sadness in a story? Really hope that’s a one-off specific piece of characterization and not a general Thing for Priest…

I did actually like the gradual development of Beiyuan’s feelings, and the way there’s no Big Moment of Realization – or rather, there is a moment of realization, but it’s not super dramatic, it’s just sort of settling into something that’s been there awhile.

Another problem with their relationship for me though, I think, is how rushed the denouement of the book is, and how many important things are glossed over. Like, okay, they’re riding off into the sunset, but are they actually going to talk about the fact that Beiyuan seduced Wu Xi for Deception Purposes and then drugged him…? Taking advantage of Wu Xi’s very earnest and intense feelings in the process? Like, they stay in the capital for three months of negotiations before they leave, all while Wu Xi hides Beiyuan in his house – there must have been conversations and Relationship Negotiations? And yet we don’t See any of that, we’re just treated to them riding off in a carriage with some cheeky little line about how Beiyuan has the rest of his life to make things up to Wu Xi (presumably by having rough sex)… like ok.

The racism… there was a lot of it in the presentation of Nanjiang! I think the thing that stood out to me though was the line about Wu Xi’s having a kind of intuitive understanding of how people are (an intuition attributed to children, even!) despite not being cultured – it slots so perfectly into the kind of colonial propaganda that posits colonized people as having this innate, intuitive understanding of the world or connection with nature or what have you – but of course they’re not mature, they’re not cultured, they don’t have the capacity for rationality, that we do. To be fair, the line I’m thinking of is also applied to Liang Jiuxiao, but it is of a piece with how Nanjiang is characterized throughout the novel – like, oh, they’re so simple! When they like someone they just get married! It’s presented as a romantic ideal, but in a way that portrays Nanjiang as being Simple and Rustic and lacking the cultural complexity of the Great Qing. (Especially since we b a r e l y see the country or its people on the page.)

(Not to mention the way Wu Xi’s bodyguards from Nanjiang are portrayed as being confused and grossed out by him being in love with a man – contrasted with the commentary about how commonplace sex between men is in the Great Qing. Feels very like Nanjiang gets cast as less “enlightened”?)

I think those elements are also part of why the romance doesn’t fully stick its landing for me – because Wu Xi does take in and consider Great Qing cultural stuff, and incorporate it into his worldview alongside the influence of his home culture – and we don’t see Beiyuan doing something similar in return. He wants to leave for Nanjiang in part because he’s exhausted with capital politics and wants freedom, but why Nanjiang specifically? What does the country mean to him? How’s he actually going to fit in there? (This is another thing that also could have been filled in more with more actual writing about what goes down after that final battle.)

I honestly was deeply moved by Helian Yi. I shed literal tears for that man on multiple occasions. I do feel like I would have benefitted from more actual exploration of his past life-relationship with Beiyuan? Because as it was, I felt like that aspect of Beiyuan’s characterization was kind of informed rather than fleshed out – what did he see in Helian Yi in the first place? And I think the unrequited love would have been more poignant if we’d had more flashbacks to when it was requited.

Also, the possible-incest reveal?? What even was the point of that…? (I know people have posited that that’s why Helian Yi originally had Beiyuan killed, but with that final deleted-on-JJWXC extra I feel like it’s meant to be that he thought Beiyuan was responsible for Su Qingluan’s death. Another thing that should have been elaborated on, plot-wise…)

In general, the ending was very rushed. It gave me distinct “project due the next day” vibes.

ZHOU ZISHU!!!! – my main emotional engagement with this, tbh. I loved what was done with him, loved getting to see more of the atrocities he was behind (haha), loved the chilling “ends justify the means” ideological track he was on, loved how enmeshed he was in Hierarchy and political intrigue and how Carefully he handled himself around his social superiors… yeah.  

I am also…. Also losing my mind over the entire Vibe between Zhou Zishu and Liang Jiuxiao. Misplaced devotion… broken pedestals… weird subtextual hard-to-define Feelings... selfishly wanting to hide the worst parts of yourself from someone…. Ahhhhh it’s good. Love those intricate complex homoerotic friendships. If there Exists any fic (whether platonic or less so) that anyone wants to rec… pls do 👀

I have to say, another problem I had with the ending was that I don’t think the tonal dissonance was well-balanced. Like, there’s a very melancholy atmosphere for pretty much everyone except the main couple, and I do understand that their getting away from the capital is the only thing that engenders that happiness (as a big theme of the book is that the politicking in the capital is exhausting and demoralizing – and to my understanding that is similar to the themes at work in Faraway Wanderers.) But I don’t feel as though those two streams were working in communication with each other in the final chapters – I would say that the cutesy scenes with the main couple just felt jarring in contrast to the sadness and regret that permeated the rest of the narrative. I think perhaps they were too saccharine, rather than emphasizing escape and looking forward to different possibilities? I’m not sure. (It also seems questionable to present Nanjiang as an Escape, given that Wu Xi is in charge now?? They’re still right in the thick of politics?) Anyway, this all is why I like the placement of that final extra at the end of the narrative, because it Is a turning back to melancholia that I like to see during nominal happy endings.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

@theeyethatbinds​ Girl SING IT. SING IT LOUDER FOR THE GIRLS IN THE BACK, SWEAR TO GOD.

Like I’m gonna be real wit y’all I was looking forward to le Comte for a while, but I was always side-eyeing Jeanne. He’s a blunt hermit and grump and 100% mood, so I hoped his route would give me more insight into how I feel about him.

Ladies. When I tell you. It was EXCELLENT. I mean there are so many gr9 routes in the game, I don’t want to take away from them, but there was just something about his that hit me so hard???? (MY KOKORO BROKORO)

More under the cut since his route won’t be out for a little while (we still got Isaac, then Theo, then Jeanne), as a little treat. As usual, pls don’t read if you don’t want spoilers, thanks!

Okay so going into this route I was fully expecting the big sads. I mean, if history has taught us anything it was that Joan D’Arc was a badass but good lord, that doesn’t mean the people of her time were kind to her. (I need to do more thorough research on her, so if I’m getting any of her pronouns wrong or neglect something, I do apologize.)

That being sad, I was like aight DECK MY SHIT WITH TRAGEDY, JEANNE. And at the beginning it’s p fascinating. He’s very ornery and resistant to any kind of consideration or attempts at friendship MC extends. But eventually, after a good deal of persistence, he relents little by little.

I’d also like to level with y’all for a sec. Being someone who knows a great deal in regards to the kinds of mental and emotional shit Jeanne struggles through, I think they handled that part of the route so, so well. Granted, I’m not the kind of person to launch a crusade over different writing styles--but for me it just feels all the more poignant when it makes sense; when certain dispositions or trauma are conveyed with that depth. To me, it made 100% sense that Jeanne would be so against accepting other people into his life immediately.

He and Mozart vibe because they’re so similar, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s comfortable letting just anyone in--much less a complete stranger. I think it’s more that Mozart and Jeanne share a kind of indelible bond/mutual recognition through their talent, actually. They were both prodigies, absolute geniuses in their fields (military vs. music) but their social skills were shot to hell for the very same reason. To be brilliant--beyond one’s potential posthumous legacy--tends to mean being hated. Plus, they’re both principled to absolute extremes. When they’ve decided on something, they will not waver. They’re stubborn and austere, but behind those walls lies a molten core of sensitivity.

This is important to understanding him, I think, before I move forward.

While one could argue that their reaction is a result of that deficiency of emotional and social support (which I entirely concede does contribute to the matter at hand, it shouldn’t be overlooked) I think the real crux of the matter here is control. Think about it. Among the oldest residents in the mansion (let’s say that were born more than 100 years within the range of the present period of the game) are Mozart, Jeanne, Isaac, and Shakespeare. What do they all have in common?

Extremity. For Mozart, it comes in the form of a kind of OCD, as perfectionism. For Jeanne, it is generalized anxiety and PTSD. For Isaac, it is primarily social anxiety--but it’s still noticeably severe. And Shakespeare runs around with a knife, insecurity through the roof, literally unable to trust anything or anyone (psychosis? schizoaffective? I’m really not sure, these are all ballpark assessments based on the evidence I have). In order to adjust to their new surroundings, there was a cost--and in some ways their coping mechanisms become noticeably maladaptive. They were born into eras that were mercilessly unpredictable, and the only way they knew how to cope was to was to either take the blame--make it a personal failing that tragedy struck--or try to immerse themselves into their craft. They all seek to regain some kind of control (this is even visible in Vincent, to a degree--painting was an escape from his emotionally turbulent world).

Granted that’s not to say that the others don’t struggle with such issues at all, I just feel like the characters from more unstable time periods tend (as a general trend) to mirror that instability within their personalities.

All that being said, (I apologize I am a tangent-monger and love meta), Jeanne’s self-imposed isolation is only partially caused by the above dynamic. Yes, he is unwilling to let people into his heart for fear of betrayal. (It’s almost like an entire nation clamoring to watch you burn for something you didn’t do after spending your entire life and talents trying to protect them would do that to you, but I digress >:| ). But there’s another devastating and potentially less obvious reason for keeping people out.

He thinks he deserves it.

Loneliness, melancholy, aimlessness. These are all the punishments that he incurred on himself after a life of what he conceives to be considerable sin (hahaha battlefield enemies go ripppp). Whether or not he was operating purely out of a sense of duty, even if he felt sympathy for his enemy combatants, it’s not enough. And the condemnation of his king, of his entire nation, only served to magnify that self-loathing to a dangerous degree. (Don’t get me started on his parents I’m still so angry >:| they more or less disowned him since he was constitutionally weak as a young boy, and thus could not serve as an adequate farmhand. Don’t work? Don’t eat/live).

It’s hard enough living in a reserved way because you’re afraid of getting hurt, but to think that you deserve it when hurt finds you, no less? And my favorite part, that he’s so profoundly sure that it is an extension of a personal, fundamental failing? That for a person to survive, they must be strong, that there can be no other way--that there is no time or space for ruminations on fairness or unfairness, there are only those who manage to survive and those who die.

Now my friends, esteemed comrades, legendary sluts. Is that enough for us, Cybird asks, are we feeling enough pain quite yet? Fuck no.

Most of his route after we get over the hurdle of his hesitation is just him. Being. Bashful and gentle as all FUCK. Like he is the definition of “I'll kill you, but also I’m babie.” For instance, she insists on teaching him how to read and write at night when she finds him trying (and not succeeding) to read “The Ugly Duckling”. Yes I mean the children’s book. I CRIED THE FIRST TIME AND I’M CRYING NOW. So, naturally, MC buys him a notebook to practice with and he puts his name in big letters on the front. When MC sees this, she asks him about it--wondering why he would given he’s so self-conscious of his own writing (boy writes all squiggly like a little kid because he’s never done it before ;-;).

The scene goes a little something like this:

MC: Wh....whatcha go there Jeanne? Jeanne: ? My notebook? MC: I...mean that you wrote your name on it? Jeanne: Yeah? MC: Why? Jeanne: ._. It was a gift from you, and I figured it'd be hard to practice if I lost it...so I put my name on it... (HE WAS SECRETLY TOUCHED I BET AND IM--) MC: Why such big letters? Jeanne: So people can spot it quickly, obviously MC, inches from crying and laughing: Jeanne: Mademoiselle??? Why are you laughing? MC: Because you’re cute, Jeanne!

Like. They start out so rocky and Jeanne is so SIGH. I guess I’ll agree if it’ll get her to stop looking so sad and ask me to join her for stuff. But then he just can’t help but go full softe at how patient and kind she is, starts feeling comfortable just...being who he is deep down. A man that’s always hoped for better in life, a person that only ever takes up his sword to protect--that has an incredibly pure and clear heart, despite so much pain.

And good lord, they are GOD TIER romantic slow burn???? Swear to everything holy, I was BEGGING for them to make out by like chapter 10, I was just suffering for most of the route until the bangarang premium. Here’s probably my favorite moment in the entire route:

Basically Sebastian and Mozart pull out all the stops trying to bring Jeanne and MC together (once they see Jeanne show some interested in her). And so Jeanne asks her to join him in the courtyard the next morning, and they’re playing with Cherie (Jeanne’s pet baby white tiger). Besides being ungodly adorable--because Jeanne invited her for the sole purpose of hoping to see her delightfully surprised--Mozart begins to play a love song nearby. They don’t name the tune, but Jeanne canonically starts singing along (I wholeass cried, I WANT TO HEAR HIM SING????). And so she asks what the song is about, and he explains that Mozart once played it for him, but he couldn’t make out the words at first. Mozart explained that it was a love song that speaks to the difficulties of being in love (the worry, the strife) but also the beauty of the intensity and passion. He goes on to say that even when he learned the words, it never made much sense to him back then--it never resonated.

He’s singing softly with a fond look, and so she asks, does he understand it now? And he looks her dead in the eye, and says “...I think I’m starting to.” Like. AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT LOSE MY MIND AT THE TENDERNESS????? WHAT A SMOOTH MOFO????? MAN RAISED TO BE A SOLDIER, NO KNOWLEDGE OF ROMANCE OR WOMEN, AND KILLS ME IN MILLISECONDS?????? I DEMAND JUSTICE. (Or it’s just me thinking sincerity is the best aphrodisiac, but that’s beside the point.)

This has been your quarantine 2d boy meta and yelling, provided by your local mod Minnie. Now if you’ll excuse me, it’s time to get to the things I’ve been procrastinating on while reliving/dissociating about one of my favorite rts in the entire game. Stay safe and well out there y’all, peace out!

[shemakesmusic-uk]

This segment features artists who have submitted their tracks/videos to She Makes Music. If you would like to be featured here then please send an e-mail to shemakesmusic@hotmail.com. We look forward to hearing from you!

Manpreet Kundi

South Asian, UK-based artist Manpreet Kundi is releasing her self-written debut single ‘something’, setting the unique tone for her upcoming EP. Created acoustically at the piano; the song's essence is dreamy, lovelorn, melancholy and raw—dressed up in both dark and sad pop ambiances. something is layered in an emotional and lyrical sense; but at its core, is about "doubting everything you ever were to someone who for a while made you feel the most significant. It is the chaos and sheer sadness in the breakdown of what you had with said person; after they seemingly change their mind and leave you in panicked confusion with little to no explanation." The composition is an enchanted entwine of lingering vocal melodies and evocative instrumental; blending Manpreet’s signature acoustic piano, smooth atmospheric sounds and heavy, slow-tempo drums. "The entire song fell into place very naturally; born of my reflective tendencies and the intense, prolonged emotion I was feeling." Each section develops dynamically, inviting the listener on a journey through tender string arrangements to deep, bassy, hard-hitting sections. Her boyfriend Michael Brooker is the main producer of the track; along with Manpreet directing the nature of fundamental components plus engaging in elements of co-production—yet giving him creative freedom over the project's soundscape. Manpreet casts a glitter-dripping spell of magical, emotive piano and hauntingly mesmeric vocals to move you with the innate rawness and sentiment they carry. Writing music mostly at her piano; she is constantly inspired and liberated by the instrument that ever-propels her dynamic songcraft. Manpreet's heady, slow-tempo and cinematic style is reflective of main musical influence Lana Del Rey; as well as the 80's and 90's Disney movie soundtracks she began singing along to at 3 years old. She also grew up a fan of Taylor Swift, who furthered her love of poignant story-telling and sparklingly melodic lyricisms. She is repeatedly drawn to Lennon Stella's powerful vocal delivery, and unrivalled Frank Sinatra's spellbinding artistry. Listen to ‘something’ below.

300D

Jen Weisberg (former Ruby Pins) and Ben Pearce (former Windhal Flat) met through the Santa Cruz music scene of 2004. They didn’t become friends until a chance meeting on a street corner in Oakland, and they didn’t form 300D until a couple months into the pandemic. Ben Pearce produces Jen Weisberg’s words and vocal melodies. Their sophomore release ‘Grocery Vaping’ follows their December release ‘Valley Riff’. 300D held the Oakland friends together through the pandemic when Jen (a librarian) was enlisted as a disaster service worker, and Ben returned to Santa Cruz to help his family with the childcare gap left by school closures. ‘Grocery Vaping,’ echoes the duo’s musical evolution through swelling strings and words of longing. Listen below.

300D · Grocery Vaping

VIAL

VIAL is an indie punk quartet based out of Minneapolis, Minnesota, made up of Taylor Kraemer, Kate Kanfield, KT Branscom, and Katie Fischer. Their album LOUDMOUTH is here. Building on the band’s indie-punk DNA, it’s equal parts volatile and vulnerable. Producer Henry Stoehr (Slow Pulp) approaches the band’s core tenacity with an open heart, unleashing energy informed by guts, not necessarily genre. The band’s punk rock roots pack plenty of punch while new-wave moments rub elbows with WLW songs that wear roughness on their sleeves. There’s even a carnivalesque intro, reclaiming for VIAL what it means to be ringmaster. After all: in their three-ring circus, there’s no room for clowns. The track we’re focusing on here today is ‘Planet Drool’. The track is an emotional release of anger about our recurring feelings of discomfort in select punk scenes set to a fast-paced punk instrumental. Although named after the fictional universe of the 2005 children’s film The Adventures of Sharkboy and Lavagirl, ‘Planet Drool’ is the heaviest VIAL song they’ve yet to write! Listen below.

Chloe Castro

Chloe Castro has released her first single, 'FUTURE', since her debut EP AMID. Following a childhood spent living between France, Brazil and Wales, Chloe Castro relocated to the North East of England where she began writing songs aged 11. In 2016, half-Brazillian/half-British Chloe battled it out on National Television making it to the quarter finals of BBC One's The Voice UK. Having been recognized for her hypnotic voice, depth and lyrical prowess after her successful television debut, Chloe dedicated the next few years to honing her skills and building her repertoire in a studio in her spare bedroom with producer and co-writer Jake Karno. Inspired by artists including PARTYNEXTDOOR, Bryson Tiller and Frank Ocean, UK based R&B/Trapsoul artist Chloe Castro delicately blends together R&B and Soulful tones with Trap and elements of rap to create a sound that is uniquely her. 'FUTURE’ sees Chloe deliver a dark, sassy and powerful 'I don’t care if we break-up' song promoting independence and self-worth with straight to the point lyrics and emotive vocals. ‘FUTURE’ touches on the vulnerability of being in love and the frustration of feeling underestimated. It pairs that with a self-assured “fuck-you” attitude to create an anthemic vibe for summer 2021. As Chloe describes ‘FUTURE’: “Future is my way of saying let me do me, I know what’s best for me. Like feeling underestimated by someone but knowing your worth and not caring what anyone thinks, even someone you love.” Listen below.

Chloe Castro · FUTURE

[erikahenningsen]

My 15 favorite theater experiences of 2019

In no particular order:

1. Choir Boy (Samuel Friedman Theatre, New York, NY): I say in no particular order, but if you know anything about me, you know that Choir Boy is my number-one show of the year. I saw it four times on Broadway and twice in Boston. Tarell Alvin McCraney’s writing is so beautiful, human, and fearless. He puts works of art on stages, television, and film that nobody else does. Jeremy Pope’s performance as Pharus is easily in the top three greatest performances I’ve seen on a Broadway stage. If your local regional theater is doing this show, I cannot encourage you enough to go and see it.

2. What the Constitution Means to Me (Helen Hayes Theater, New York, NY): This show was unlike any other play I’ve seen before. Heidi Schreck, who wrote and starred in WTCMTM, wrote a deeply human, poignant, and timely play about a document written by a bunch of rich, white men a few centuries ago and made it gripping, engaging, and relevant. It’s a show I believe every American should see. As an added bonus, Heidi is genuinely one of the kindest people I’ve met.

3. The Wrong Man (MCC Theater, New York, NY): I saw The Wrong Man for the first time three weeks before it closed, and I immediately fell in love with it and went back several more times in those three weeks. The Wrong Man is only ninety minutes long and has only three main characters, but it presents an engaging story about forgiveness, mercy, justice, guilt, and innocence. Ross Golan, the composer/lyricist, began performing The Wrong Man as a concept album thirteen years ago and turned it into a full musical. The score is beautiful and has some really great bops, and the choreography is probably the best I’ve ever seen.

4. Waitress with Sara Bareilles and Gavin Creel (Brooks Atkinson Theatre, New York, NY): I’m personally not the biggest fan of Waitress, but this was one of the most fun nights I had in a theater this year. Sara and Gavin had amazing chemistry, and I have never laughed so much at Waitress before. 

5. A Strange Loop (Playwrights Horizons, New York, NY): A Strange Loop is unlike any show I’ve ever seen before. It’s unlike anything anyone has seen before. How many shows center around a fat, black, queer character? I can’t think of any. Michael R. Jackson, the book writer/composer/lyricist, has an incredible ability to write satire that has you laughing at the same time you’re being punched in the face emotionally. A Strange Loop grapples with the intersections of racism, homophobia, and fatphobia. It’s meta at the same time it’s grounded, and gets more and more intense as the show progresses. I walked out of the theater in a daze after I saw it. My fingers are crossed it comes to Broadway.

5. Mean Girls, Taylor Louderman’s last show (August Wilson Theatre, New York, NY): Going to Mean Girls is a routine thing for me, and I’ve seen the show dozens of times, but every once in awhile something special happens that reignites my love for this show. Taylor’s last show was obviously incredibly sad for me, the cast, and everyone who loves this show, but I also laughed more and harder on this evening than I have in a very long time at Mean Girls. Everyone, especially Taylor, was giving this performance their all, and I’ll never forget it.

6. The Secret Life of Bees (Atlantic Theater Company, New York, NY): I had suspicions I was really going to love this show before I saw it, but I absolutely fell in love with it. The music is gorgeous (thank you, Duncan Sheik), the performances are stellar, and the story, though set decades ago, is as timely and relevant as ever. I do cry at shows pretty often, but rarely do I tear up because of how overwhelmingly beautiful a show is—but I did that at Secret Life of Bees. I’m still impatiently waiting on that Broadway transfer announcement.

7. Beetlejuice (Winter Garden Theatre, New York, NY): Despite all its flaws, I love this crazy, loud, obnoxious, wild show so much. I had seen it in DC and counted down the days until first preview on Broadway. I rushed first preview and ended up with front-row tickets, and I had one of the most fun nights in a theater I’ve ever had. The performances really make the show, and I’ve been very vocal about how I strongly believe Leslie Kritzer was snubbed by the Tonys. Beetlejuice also has my favorite scenic design for any show. I also have a uniquely personal connection to this showL Beetlejuice used to have a joke in the show I felt was offensive, so I reached out to Eddie Perfect and Alex Timbers and explained to them why I was hurt by it, and they actually listened to my feedback and removed the joke. I’m hoping Beetlejuice can find another home after June, because I’m not ready to say goodbye yet.

8. Next to Normal (Ground Floor Theatre/Deaf Austin Theatre, Austin, TX): For years I had been wanting an ASL production of Next to Normal with Sandra Mae Frank as Natalie, so when it actually happened I knew I had to fly to Texas to see it. I don’t think I’ve ever cried more at a show. Sandy made me look at Natalie in a whole new way, and the ASL interpretations of the lyrics added so many new layers to the show. Megg Rose, the Deaf actor who played Diana, gave one of the best performances I’ve seen, and I want her to be on Broadway immediately. This production really was a dream come true for me. 

9. Six (Chicago Shakespeare Theater, Chicago, IL): We drove to Chicago from NYC to see Six, and it was definitely worth it. I was in the front row for the first time I saw it, which was a terrifying but incredibly fun experience. This cast is so incredibly talented, and the show is so much fun, and being there with almost all of my closest friends was such a memorable experience. I’m so excited to see it again when it comes to Broadway.

10. Little Shop of Horrors (Westside Theatre, New York, NY): This was my first experience seeing LSOH, and I had an absolute blast. The performances were incredible, with Christian Borle being just off-the-wall crazy. I haven’t laughed that much at a show in awhile. The Audrey II puppets are fantastic, and what they’ve done with the scenic design in such a small space is amazing. I’m excited to see it again with Gideon Glick.

11. Indecent (Huntington Theatre Company, Boston, MA): Indecent is and always will be my favorite play, and I’m so incredibly grateful I got to see it again in Boston. Huntington recreated the Broadway production with many of the original cast members, and it was such a special show. I never thought I’d see that production again live, and Huntington gave me such an incredible gift with this play. 

12. Freestyle Love Supreme (Booth Theatre, New York, NY): FLS is just fun from start to finish. It’s completely improvised with special unannounced guests every night, so it’s different every time you see it. I loved seeing how they made the show more inclusive between Off-Broadway and Broadway (by asking people their pronouns, for example), and I have a blast every time. 

13. Ain’t Too Proud - The Life and Times of the Temptations (Imperial Theatre, New York, NY): I saw Ain’t Too Proud mostly for Jeremy Pope, and I was so pleasantly surprised by how much I genuinely loved the show. Derrick Baskin is one of the most hardworking performers on Broadway—he literally does not leave the stage. The choreography is so much fun, and each person in the cast is so incredibly talented. It’s also one of the most pleasant stage doors I’ve ever experienced; everyone at the stage door just really genuinely wants to congratulate and thank the performers, and the actors are so kind. 

14. Teeth (National Alliance for Musical Theatre Festival, New York, NY): It’s wild even to me that I’m putting a staged partial reading on this list, but that’s how good Teeth was. I spent the entire time laughing, and the songs are constantly stuck in my head. Everyone at the festival was talking about how much they loved the show, so I’m hopeful there will be a full production of it sometime soon.

15. Slave Play (John Golden Theatre, New York, NY): It’s hard to talk about Slave Play because it transcends descriptors like “good” or “bad.” Slave Play is important. It’s complex. It’s necessarily provocative. And it’s shaken up Broadway like no show has in recent memory. It’s a show I think every American adult should see. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I saw it. It only runs for a couple more weeks, and if you haven’t seen it, you need to. 

[canonicallyanxious]

Reading Recap: March 2019

In an attempt to document my efforts in completing my New Year’s resolution of reading at least one book every two weeks, every month I’m going to be doing a brief write-up of the books I read to keep myself accountable and share this journey with you all.

In the month of March I read 7 books which again considering i spent half of this month in a depressed haze I think is not a bad turnout at all! And I really liked most of what I read this month! So overall I would consider this a smashing success! also this brings my total for the year up to 22 which is already quite close to my goal of 26 for the year sdkfjsndkfs do we think i’ll smash it in April or nah??

Anyway here are the books I read, alongside ratings out of 5 stars [5 for favorites; 1 for books I unreservedly dislike] and some of my thoughts:

Her Body and Other Parties - Carmen Maria Machado | 4.5/5

This collection of short stories is INCREDIBLE. I don’t really know how to describe it since it’s pretty genre-defying but I guess i’d sum it up as a collection of short stories that blend together horror, the surreal, and unapologetic queerness. The depiction of femininity and womanhood in this book is so complex and intense and at times grotesque, viscerally uncomfortable, and awfully poignant. Machado’s writing style is searing and poetic and this is just a really great fucking book. Favorite stories: Inventory, Especially Heinous

Crush - Richard Siken | 4/5

I don’t read a lot of poetry so this was my first real attempt this year to branch out and I think this was an amazing first choice. Reading this whole collection really makes your chest ache in the most exquisite way. I don’t have much smart to say about it bc I don’t know too much about poetry but the feelings captured in this book? Sublime. Favorite poems: The Torn-Up Road, You Are Jeff, Snow and Dirty Rain

Pulp - Robin Talley | 3.5/5

This is a book intertwining the stories of a girl in the fifties who writes a pulp lesbian novel and a girl in this decade who discovers this novel and tries to unravel the history behind it. I thought this was a really interesting look at queer history and how the stories of our elders inform our own stories, although I felt the writing sometimes fell a bit flat for me and the pacing especially towards the end was a bit underwhelming. It’s a good read, it just felt like there was something missing in it for me though I’m not quite sure what.

 The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier and Clay - Michael Chabon | 5/5

This book. God, this book. It is a fucking tour de force. The deftness of Chabon’s hand as he navigates decades of the characters’ lives, the attention to detail, how believable Joe and Sam’s comic book creations feel, especially amidst the backdrop of real comic book superheroes - sometimes I almost forgot the Escapist wasn’t a real superhero in our own world! There’s this pervasive sense of loss and longing that pervades the entire book but it never becomes too heavy, and the end presents a small kernel of hope that somehow manages to make the rest of it feel so worth it.

More Happy Than Not - Adam Silvera | 4/5

This book is SAD. Despite multiple warnings and knowing that Adam Silvera tends to write Sad Books i was NOT PREPARED. Overall though I really enjoyed this read for the protagonist and the really clever stylistic choices Silvera made toward the end - really interesting and unique way to present a narrative, although also INCREDIBLY SAD.

Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit - Jeanette Winterson | 4/5

I thought this was a really fun read! Not necessarily because the subject material is that fun lol it’s the semi-autobiographical coming-of-age story of a queer woman who, as she grows older, struggles to reconcile her sexuality with her faith which, yeah, but there’s something about Winterson’s writing style that just pulls you right along. The relationship between the protagonist and her mother is wonderfully complex, Winterson does some really interesting things narrative-wise, and overall it’s a very engaging and thought-provoking read.

Station Eleven - Emily St. John Mandel | 4.5/5

I sort of feel like at this point I know what to expect from post-apocalyptic fiction. Yet this one seriously took me by surprise. I’m really, really impressed with the number of narratives Mandel managed to weave together to create one incredibly enthralling story. It feels like there’s so much to it even though it’s a relatively short read but it never feels too dense or quickly paced. I really like that the premise of the book hinges less on the actual details of the apocalypse and more on the emotional states of these characters, how everyone copes with it in a different way. An incredibly poignant read.

[ghostofasecretary]

🌻?

i really like seeing you on my dash. i don't say that enough, you're lovely.and now, are you ready for some STREAM OF CONSCIOUSNESS RAMBLING? i hope so because that's all i've got.lately i’ve been trying to follow impulses - “oh, hungry? drop everything, eat right now. oh, might want to make a phonecall tomorrow? great, what are all the logistics, gotta do that.” so in this case, oh, you asked me something? i’d better answer, i’d like to. that's all to say that most of this answer was written last night because i stayed up too late; there are pros and cons to the impulsive approach. i keep watching The Handmaid’s Tale. i have extremely mixed feelings on Atwood - Stone Mattress was fascinating, shameless enough to be delightful and trashy, poignant enough to feel true, and very well crafted. her Oryx & Crake series just depressed me, though. Atwood knows what she’s doing, you can tell, and she has convictions, but the world she lives in is not…well. we live in the same world. i just find hers relentlessly grim, sometimes.i haven’t read The Handmaid’s Tale the book, yet, but the tv show is gorgeous. holy shit, the composition of basically every shot has destroyed me. also, uh, painful lying and trauma and abusive setups. that moves me too. i think i’m kind of an optimist? for a Known Crazy person who spent a significant chunk of their life suicidal, that feels a little weird to say, so let me clarify. i don’t like the obnoxious “everything turns out for the best!” optimism, but i do think most things return to equilibrium, that people will do their best, that we have the chance to do better. gratitude is something i have intensely mixed feelings on but, well, sometimes it does help. Atwood's stories are showing something true about the world, but there's no relief in them for me. i want to return to hope at the end, instead of that grim bravery that comes at the end of the world, when you know you might make it out but you will still never make it out. the other day i read a thinkpiece on “pain acceptance” in light of the opiod crisis. it was short and not exceptional, but i remember it because it focused on the perspective of sick people about equally with the perspective of doctors. (that's a bit of a muddled comparison, doctors can be sick and have chronic pain issues and most people become sick and not all sick people are sick forever. still.) some of the quotes about pain management resonated with me. "I may as well do things I want to do even though it will hurt, rather than just do nothing and still be in pain." (from Harvey, a lady with EDS) my junior year was awful on a lot of fronts including the body one: i spent so much time thinking about how much i hurt because it was there and it hadn't been before and pain is trying to tell you something, you have to listen, right, you can't not. it wasn't until i had medications and was thoroughly burnt out trying to find answers that i went "fuck this, i'm going to act like i'm not in pain." and then i pretended (as well as one can while taking three fat pills a day and two prn in addition to the mental health cocktail) that i never had issues to begin with, and now that my fingers are getting warped i'm starting to get worried again. i don't necessarily think "fuck pain" is a good coping mechanism but on the other hand living in fear is terrible and i like to be fear reductionist. most of my negative reactions to the piece where about the context, because "acceptance is sometimes useful as a way to cope" is kind of threatening when coupled with "the opiod crisis is BAD." one of the first anecdotes was about a lady with a spinal injury who Didn't Need Opiods, too, which...was not exceptionally convincing, i think the stats on spinal injuries are similar to those of paraplegics and quadriplegics, though i could be wrong. these stats are fairly different than things like, idk, fibromyalgia, which tends to work similarly to depression in terms of quality of life. ...and which i was diagnosed with, and which has bothered me much less since i went "pain isn't real," and also once i got effective anti-migraine meds and nice antidepressants and such. the topic of "how real is fibro as a diagnosis" has been haunting me for years and i still don't have a conclusion aside from "it's as real as shit life syndrome, which while flippant and sad does seem to be a thing. it's also about that useful a diagnosis in terms of finding helpful treatments." opiods are probably best avoided but most people don't want them if they have better options. in other news, i registered to vote yesterday and will do my civic duty in trying to pick less shitty legal weed laws. (there's also the concern about the effects of weed on bipolar, which having seen those personally...yikes. but that's an anecdote and in general, let's do less bullshit about drugs, kthanx.)i don't really think pain is something we get to get out of, but right now i'm in pain and there have been whole weeks where i wasn't, really, not enough to register. context is everything. today i went to Wal-Mart's home and garden section and it was just like a public garden only it was right next to my work and it told me what drinks go well with sweet basil.

[myinnerletters]

27/1/21

I can’t stop thinking about It’s a sin. I think i need to stop watching it. It’s so poignant and stays in my head, these characters feel so real and the reality with which they are created feels overwhelming and sad because this happened. I feel heartbroken and can’t get the imagery out of my head. It’s so upsetting to think that people were made to live like this and feel this way and it makes me so incredibly sad. It bums me out. I know Josh wants me to keep watching it but my mental health doesnt feel like its something i can quite handle right now.

Today has felt big in a rollerocaster way just feeling like emotions have been all over the place. It’s also not hot outside but i feel warm. I feel slightly like im overheating. i could take my socks off. I had a nice day with Noam and Eden and that was lovely. i did my work and finished it almost. Rewrote my class plan. Did a class and watched a class. I finished my observation hours well done Jamie! I finished my book. How to get over a boy was very good but i also wonder if that deep down triggered me a bit. She speaks about difficulties with parents. Also about relationships. She said something about a relationship being adly in love for six months and then fizzling. Butim just sticking to the fact and stuck on the six month part. It doesnt necessarily mean anything. Yes we’ve been together for six months but that doesnt mean it has to crash and burn. In fact it feels pretty positive moving forward. 

Next week i start shadow teaching. That will be good. Things wont be so intense and maybe i can have a breather. I have been going very hard for the last couple of weeks and that has been tiring. I’mm doing the best i can right now and that is good. i have people who love me. And who care about me. And want to spend time wiht me and love me.

I dont really know why im crying right now. It’s so silly. Maybe i need to eat a banana. and try do some slight stretching.

I did a mostly advanced set today at KX. i started to fatigue pretty quickly but i kept going. I’m glad i did! I really enjoyed playing games with Noam and Eden. It felt nice to have a 4 year old like me and want me to play with her. 

Tomorrow will be more chill. I have a really nice weekend planned and i look forward to it. 

[bewareofchris]

The Atomic Clusterfuck 50-1:00 +  Why aren't the Accords immediately nullified when they realize the country that was driving for them to be ratified was now being led by a man driven by the need for revenge?  who gave that man authority to go kill Bucky?  Can Kings not be criminals?

+ "Wanda, no one dislikes you."  Wanda, I don't dislike you in this movie.  But I don't like how everyone glossed over your past actions like they didn't matter because you realized that you were on the wrong side just in time to save some of the people your actions helped to kill.  

+ MR. STARK WOULD LIKE TO AVOID THE POSSIBILITY OF ANOTHER PUBLIC INCIDENT.  I know I said during Age of Ultron that if they made this issue more central to the plot it would make more sense but I'm so deeply angry that Tony is keeping her prisoner and making it seem like he's helping her out?  not necessarily at Tony but at the writing for setting it up this way.  

+ Steve: cool Vibranium dude.   T'Challa: casually threatens to murder Bucky with no trial. Steve: yeah, right, accords.  cool story bro.  

+  Bucky looks super resigned.

+  "Try not to break anything while we fix this."  "Consequences, you bet they'll be consequences."

+  Why is the shield government's property?  It was Howard Stark's wasn't it?  Like because he made it while working for the army?  ???????  Is the Iron Man suit government property now?

+  Steve needed to ask about Pepper because we needed to be reminded Tony's life was shit.  Tony had to bring up his other failures so we could still feel sorry for him.  And now Tony is thinking the Accords are going to help.

+  Tony ALSO MY DADDY ISSUES.  I HATED YOU.  

+ "I know because you're a very polite person."

+ "Sometimes I wish I could." "No you don't." "No I don't."

+  TONY IS EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATING STEVE TO MAKE HIM SIGN.  This is what the writers thought was a good idea.  "Transferred instead of to a prison."  Dude, T'Challa isn't putting him in a jail, he's killing him in the streets.  

+  "I'm doing what has to be done to stave off something worse." "Keep telling yourself that."

+ Lets talk about this conversation because there isn't much more to this movie to establish the reason these two fight it out.  And this is a terrible justification.  So thus far all we got is: Tony - who is trying his best, obviously struggling, really wants to keep his family together, has not 100% solid reasons for wanting to agree with the Accords.  In the same breath that he's trying to convince Steve he has to sign for the good of the team, he's also mentioning how his girlfriend left him, his Dad admired and loved Steve, he has trouble with how he can't measure up to Steve (that whole sometimes I want to punch you in your perfect teeth, that's a kid who constantly got reminded he was never good enough vs. the guy who was good enough).  None of this conversation sets up a solid, not-momentary-emotion reason for Tony agreeing to or signing the accords. Steve - doesn't believe in the accords, is kind of a dick to Tony and always has been.  Has 0 empathy.  Has 0 ability to compromise, except for a brief second before he finds out about Wanda and he immediately defaults to Tony having some shady intentions rather than thinking that maybe Tony really was trying to protect her since the news was LITERALLY TALKING ABOUT ARRESTING HER AT THE START OF THIS WHOLE DEBACLE which is miraculous considering Tony has no reason to trust Wanda and even less reasons to actively protect her.

+ from a not sitting here analyzing and thinking this through POV, this is the part of the movie where I just intensely start to hate Tony.  It's not his fault.  He's being written into this movie as an antagonist and he's a very, very good one.  No part of Tony's story in this movie is set up to make him sympathetic or to let him motivation that doesn't seem to directly stand in Steve's path to accomplishing his goals.

+ YOU COULD HAVE EASILY, so very, very EASILY shifted this argument away from 'someone's mom got upset with me because her child died and Pepper left me, and my Dad never loved me' to something that hadn't already been done or wasn't hinged on torturing Tony.

+ Cap's arrogance regarding how he, a single human being, knows more about what is appropriate for the entire planet than the entire planet combined, for instance? + The fact that it's wildly disrespectful for the American Dreamsicle to show up and start shit in another country and act like he's God's Gift for saving everyone.  (Again, we could have had a whole movie just for Steve's arrogance.) + how about the fact that Avengers make a lot of choices based on their emotions and they aren't a cohesive unit, so maybe having to answer to a higher authority would provide them with some stability? +  How about Steve picking Wanda over Tony; that's deeply personal but at least its something much more poignant and immediate and believable.  Tony Stark's daddy issues have been dragging ass through 6 movies, they didn't need to be here.  Tony and Steve have a bare knuckle fight behind the IHOP because Steve subletted one of Tony's rooms to the woman that mind-fucked him?  I'd watch that.  I'd read that.  I damn sure wouldn't be rooting for Steve.

+ No.  We don't get that.  We regurgitated bullshit about how this one time Tony had a sad because his Daddy didn't like him and the Righteous American Dreamsicle sailing through this plot on a tide of protagonist glitter acting like he's absolutely incapable of doing the wrong thing.

[offbeat-leah]

What I love about SKAM is how every season, we get such an in-depth look into the main character's life, but also their inner thoughts, insecurities, and their true personality. It feels like we just got to spend like 2 months constantly with them the entire time--we see how they think, feel, react and it's so personal, so emotionally raw. 

And then the next season comes and that character from before goes into the background, and part of you is wondering--how are you really doing? But the other part of you is so engrossed in the intimate details of the new main. Like with Eva, we see how rough it was for her to make friends, to feel accepted, to love herself. And then in season 2 and 3, we see little snippets of her, supposedly happy. Is that her true self? We won't ever know. But at least we got to spend time with her when we did, and we got to see her grow. 

With Noora, we get to see her inner turmoil with being a badass feminist, but also falling in love with a guy she originally thought was a jackass. We see her outwardly say that she wears lipstick for her own self, but then inwardly reconsider. And in season 3, we see her heartbroken, but because it's through Isak's eyes, it's not a full picture. 

With Isak, it's even more poignant, because we've seen the snippets of him in s1 and s2. We've seen small glimpses of his internal struggle, but only in season 3 do we get to see the real pain in his eyes as he takes "The Gay Test." We get to participate in his feelings of the beginnings of a crush on Even, the way he falls hard for him from one look. We are allowed a look into the true joy he feels when seeing Even. And at the same time, we see him struggle with his family, feel lost with his friends, feel scared and broken. And then feel heart-soaringly happy. 

What's kind of sad is that we won't get that again with Isak in season 4. It'll be like with Eva and Noora--just little snippets here and there to let us know how they're doing every once in a while. But that's also what makes SKAM such a well-written show.

Because with this juxtaposition, we get an intense relationship with a character, but then they become like everyone else. They slip into the background, surrounded by all the other characters, who also have their own individual lives that we won't see just yet. 

"Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always." This is the epitome of SKAM, and Julie shows us the importance of this quote rather than just telling us. She shows us that what we see on the outside isn't necessarily what's true on the inside. Everything is love, and love is messy and heartbreaking, joyful and aching, eye-opening and staggering. It's different for everyone, but it also impacts everyone. And the way that SKAM shows us that, through this intense look into a character’s mind and life, is what's really beautiful.

[entergamingxp]

A spoiler-heavy interview with The Last of Us Part 2 director Neil Druckmann • Eurogamer.net

SPOILER WARNING: THIS ARTICLE DISCUSSES THE FULL STORYLINE OF THE LAST OF US PART 2, INCLUDING ITS ENDING.

Before The Last of Us Part 2 was released – but after we had finished playing it, and after its plot had leaked online – we had a chance to interview the game’s director Neil Druckmann. It was too good an opportunity to discuss the game’s full storyline and radical structure with its creative lead to miss. So here is the second, spoiler-heavy part of our chat – and please, only read on if you have already finished the game.

When you get to the second half of the game, it’s so sad that you’re meeting these people (and these dogs) that you’ve already killed. And it’s like… I was feeling shame. And I was feeling guilt. I’m not used to feeling those things in games. That’s an uncomfortable feeling.

You mentioned shame and guilt. Those are things that are uniquely videogame-y, right? It’s like, I just committed those acts. I am complicit in those acts. And now I get to see the consequences of those acts by empathising with these other people. You know, in marketing the game we talk about it one way, but really the game is about something different. We say it’s a game about hate, but that’s not true. It’s a game about empathy. It’s a game about forgiveness.

The whole thing was constructed in such a way as to say, in the beginning of the game, we’re going to make you feel such intense hate that you can’t wait to find these people and make them pay. And that’s the stuff you’re seeing online… You’ll have seen some of the leaks. The way that they’ve dehumanised Abby and the way that they’re talking about Abby, it’s kind of horrifying. And yet it’s completely human. It’s what we do.

We’ve seen this time and time again. We watch interviews of parents that have lost their child or someone they love to violence. They say, if I could get my hands on the person responsible, I will skin them alive. And I believe them, I believe that under the right circumstances, normal human beings are capable of that. So the exploration with this game is, like, how can we start with that state and then make you reflect on it? And then maybe, maybe… if something happens in the world outside of the game, there’s some of that is left over so you at least pause and say, OK, what is it like to be in this other perspective?

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The final fight between Ellie and Abby is so desperate and so hollow that there’s really no victory there either. I was just so angry at Ellie. I was so ready to hate Abby in the beginning, and my perspective on both of them completely shifted. Was the intent of that fight to have you without a doubt that Ellie is the villain?

For me, hero and villain is too much of a judgement for the way we approached it. It’s to say: here are a bunch of flawed characters that make flawed choices and have to deal with those choices, and say, can you come back from that?

Ellie’s story is the quest of trying to fill this hole that was left when Joel died, and thinking with each death, maybe if I can make it feel more like what they did to him… so each death gets more and more brutal and takes away more and more of her humanity. She’s hoping to fill that hole. It’s this empty pursuit – and again, this is based on real interviews we watched with someone that, let’s say, has a person that did their family wrong and then that person is executed, capital punishment, and the interviewee after is like, it didn’t solve anything. The person didn’t come back.

And then the Abby journey is one of redemption. She’s dedicated the past five years to finding and killing Joel. She’s made herself into this weapon. She’s imagining he’s this larger-than-life person, he’s like the devil in her mind, and you see that; this group is terrified of this man even after they shoot his leg off. They’re terrified of him. They’re shaking. And then it’s this kind of pathetic thing, the way he dies. It’s not satisfying in any way, it’s just sad. So then it’s exploring what her redemption is after that. Her redemption is saving these kids from a group that she’s been locked in war with and she’s killed who knows how many dozens of. And that’s where she finds purpose. That’s a positive thing.

To get to your point, with that fight, our hope – and I know there’s gonna be people that feel different ways – our hope was, you’re rooting for both characters. Ellie gets to the same point, almost like where Abby was, where she has certain expectations of what this fight is going to be, and it’s way more pathetic than that. Abby is not the person that is the person that killed Joel. It’s a person that has suffered and has found redemption. And you as a player have the full context for both characters, and you understand how futile this fight is.

Where did the idea for using the Pearl Jam song Future Days come from? It’s such a leftfield song, but it works really well.

It’s actually kind of a weird story. When we finished the first game, Geoff Keighley reached out to us – he wanted to do The Last of Us: One Night Live, where we would bring the actors on stage and they would act out scenes from the game. Now I thought, yeah, that’s kind of interesting, but maybe there’s a way to take advantage of it and just write something unique for the stage. I’m gonna have Troy and Ashley there – what if we could explore a scene after the events of the first game? I wrote this scene where Joel brings this guitar to Ellie. There’s this tension between them and there’s a song… And I am obsessed with Pearl Jam at the time and just in love with the song, and I check the timeline…

It literally comes out the month of the outbreak!

It actually hadn’t come out before the outbreak. But there were live performances on YouTube of Eddie Vedder performing the song, so it’s possible that Joel could have learned it. But once we had made that scene and put it out there, I felt – that’s the opening of the game. I know that’s the opening of The Last of Us 2.

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Lev is a wonderful character. He’s one of the few, you could say, innocent characters in the whole thing. And the simplicity with which he explains his situation – “I shaved my head” – is really poignant. Did you consult with trans people or LGBTQ+ groups over how his story is handled, via Yara and the cult?

[Editor’s note: some trans commentators – but not all – take issue with Lev’s representation. VG247 has an excellent article by Stacey Henley on the subject.]

Yes. We hired a religious consultant – like, OK, we’re gonna make a religion here. Let’s at least make sure we know the minefield we’re entering and what the things that might offend people are. Look, our thing was, you can’t make a piece of art that’s this challenging that’s not going to offend someone, but let’s at least be thoughtful and mindful, so we know we’re not accidentally making narrative choices – narrative choices are there in service of the story.

We have actually quite a few transgender people on the team that we were constantly talking with, we read a lot of books, we watched interviews, we brought a consultant in to walk us through a lot of that stuff. And then, once we had filled our mind with that stuff, it’s like OK, now we have to forget all that and just treat it like a character, like another person in the world.

It’s not diversity for the sake of it – like, OK, let’s have a trans character just so we can like check that off the box – no, that actually became a really interesting thing to explore within a religion. Here’s someone that is hunted by people that are following this religion, and he’s still religious, spiritual, he just interprets the material differently. That’s what diversity gets us, a fresh perspective. It’s a new way to look at a story.

What was your main hope for the character of Abby when you started out?

It’s kind of what I described: I wanted people to hate her immensely. Where they think they want to do horrible things to her.

When I was pretty young, around Ellie’s age, I was watching the news and I saw a lynching that was caught on camera. And it affected me at such a deep level – the violence, and there was, like, cheering within it. It really disgusted me. And in my mind, I was like, I would want to kill all these people. If I could just push a button, I would do it. If I could be in a room with one of these people that did some of the more horrific stuff, if they were tied to a chair, I think I could torture them. That’s where my mind went.

And then, years later, you reflect on that and you’re like, that’s really messed up. You know, I’ve lived a normal life, I’ve only been in a handful of fights in school, nothing major, and… how easily my mind was able to tip into that kind of state, just by watching something. And then trying to imagine, damn, what would happen if that was someone close to me. Those are strangers. I don’t even know any of those people. I don’t know the victims. I don’t know the people that perpetrated that.

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It became this interesting philosophical debate in my head that I’ve had for many years. Then I said, OK, in a game, we could probably make you feel those same feelings – and we know we have a character as beloved as Joel that people see almost as a family member, going by the reaction to the leak. We can get you to feel those feelings.

The challenge is what we said all along: if people don’t ever understand Abby, the whole game fails. It doesn’t work. If, all the way through, you just want nothing but revenge and never empathise with her, the game falls apart. And that’s where most of the effort for the game went, to make Abby… not necessarily good. The pitfall a lot of writers with this kind of story fall into is like, OK, we need people to like Abby, let’s make her perfect. She does nothing wrong. She only makes moral choices. But no, that’s not where empathy comes from. Actually, empathy comes from making mistakes and challenging and trying to correct your mistakes and overshooting and messing up. I guess our hope is that people see her as a human, as a complex human.

In the game, you want to really hurt people, but then you’re faced with the reality of it. And you feel, this is a lot harder than I thought it would be – because it should be hard, right?

I don’t know if you’ve seen Saving Private Ryan, but that movie left such an impact on me. Because, one, it’s really an entertaining film. You want to watch it all the way through, you want to follow those characters. And yet it’s disturbing and uncomfortable and challenging, and messes with what you thought about action stories. It makes them more grounded. And you see the horror of it all. And that’s our hope – not to just gross out people and make them want to turn the game off. Hopefully the story’s compelling and pushes you forward, but you feel the weight of your actions in a way that’s different from other action games.

The challenge with doing something new, at least new for us… is you don’t know what the reception’s going to be. And you’re seeing some of it now with the reaction to the leaks. I think games have trained us to have a certain expectation from sequels. It’s like, I expect to play certain characters, I expect for things to play out a certain way. And we wanted to really challenge that. I’m sure there are examples, but I have a hard time thinking of a sequel that killed off the protagonist. And then it was important for us not to kill them in a heroic way to kill them in this unceremonious, brutal, disgusting way. When we wrote that scene, it was meant to be disturbing to us, so we know it’s gonna be disturbing for fans of the first game.

On the surface, I could see fans of the first game being repelled by this. But if they dive in and see the heart of it, it’s like… Joel is throughout the whole story. You feel his presence through every beat of that story because his actions, his relationship with Ellie, permeate throughout the whole thing. And you see that in those flashbacks and in that final moment where Ellie is really reflecting about forgiveness, that final conversation that they had where she felt that he wronged her in such a way she was ready to be done with him. And yet she was able to let that go. And I think that’s Ellie’s humanity – the core that is still good within her, despite all these hard choices.

What did Troy Baker and Ashley Johnson think of the arcs for their characters?

Uh, haha. I remember the first time I pitched it to Ashley, it was right after I pitched her Left Behind, we were in a restaurant, and she was moved by that. And we’re about ready to shoot and I was like, oh, by the way, I have this other concept, this rough outline for what I think the sequel could be. And she was, like, just sobbing. But she loved it.

And I think Troy, in that same way… Look, the material was challenging even for them. I’ve seen people say online, basically, you disrespected the characters. Motherfuckers! No-one loves these characters more than we do.

Except for maybe Troy Baker. No-one loves Joel more than Troy Baker.

from EnterGamingXP https://entergamingxp.com/2020/07/a-spoiler-heavy-interview-with-the-last-of-us-part-2-director-neil-druckmann-%e2%80%a2-eurogamer-net/?utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=a-spoiler-heavy-interview-with-the-last-of-us-part-2-director-neil-druckmann-%25e2%2580%25a2-eurogamer-net