#postal 2 x reader

[sil3ntfr34k]

Hi! If you’re still taking requests, can you please write some domestic headcanons for P2 Dude x Reader?

(domestic dude is rare but we continue on)

Postal 2 Dude Domestic Headcanons

Dude isn’t usually domestic. He had to be on guard all the time while married to the bitch, so even after they’ve been long divorced, he still forgets that

Getting comfortable with him is actually very hard. Not only do you have to deal with his constant sassy attitude and violent tendencies, you also have to hear him out on his weird ideas

It takes a couple months of hard work, but eventually he’ll learn he doesn’t have to be on guard all the time and relax

The way he loves is kinda like a cat. Only wants you to love and dote on him when HE wants it. If you so much as kiss his cheek when he’s not in a loving mood, he gives you the nastiest stink eye and stomps away (he’ll come back later for more)

Tries to cook for you sometimes but you have to eventually ban him from the kitchen because you’re tired of waking up to the smell of a small house fire

Gives you little trinkets. You have no idea where he gets them, but he will come home with 2 pocket fulls of tiny items such as forgotten kids toys and dirty jewelry. One time he found a real gold earring and it’s his most prized possession now, keeps it on his bed side

Doesn’t like to cuddle a lot :((, he gets hot too easy. Also applies to bedtime cuddles. Whine and bitch to him all you want, he’s not gonna cuddle up next to you at night simple because he will wake up in the middle of the night DRENCHED in sweat

Bites. Hard bites at that. You have to basically pistol whip him to get your arm out of his mouth before he bites a chunk out of it. It’s actually good that he doesn’t cuddle you at night, because if he did you’d be half eaten by the morning

Also a licker! Like some kind of dog. You can just be sitting there, peacefully catching up on your show, and he’ll suddenly spawn next to you and give you a big lick on your cheek.

The longer you stay with him, the more you understand why his ex wife was so bitchy to him. He’s so annoying at times that you have to basically scold him like some toddler. Of course he’s not listening though, already plotting his next move

Above all, he’s chaotic. Pumped full of mental illness, psychotic delusions, drugs, and sleeping pills, he’s practically ungovernable

(Kinda short sorry y’all 😔😔 I’ve been busy with art commission work and learning to drive, haven’t been been able to write as much)

[rottenbrainzz]

my friend was genuinely impressed by what a nice guy Postal Dude was on Postal 2 bc she thought he was some kind of edgelord(? idk but now she likes him

[timidtresleches]

i think the idea of postal dude having a house wife/husband/partner is a cute thought but like. one that loves him and is not mean obviously (ie not the bitch). imagine he comes home from nuking a city and his partner is like baaabeee i made u smth **hands him a pie** and hes like ah yes this is why i love coming home again. just mundane affection for him. mwah

alternatively they got him a crack pipe instead and hes like YESSSSS **kisses them** he is so happy either way.

[party-dude]

Withdrawal is a bitch.

________________________________

Postal Dude x Reader / 18+, Lemon / Suck That Gross Man! / No beta reader or anything like that we raw dog fanfic in this house

I dunno man, he's hot and I'm horny.

The lock to Dude's Trailer turns, the door cracking open and creaking slightly as it moves. Outside the sun beams down and burns the ground below. You wouldn't be surprised to hear if the local stray cats were melting to the pavement today in this heat.

You step inside carrying a few grocery bags; leaving the oppressive heat of Paradise behind you. Mentally thanking whatever higher power exists that Dude's AC is actually working for once.

Humming to yourself, you turn your attention to the small kitchenette area in the trailer, opening up a cabinet and throwing whatever you bought inside.

You promised Dude last week you'd stop by and make dinner sometime, and today you're gonna make good on that promise. Taking in the silence of the place, your humming grows louder before eventually you break out into a full song and dance routine to the music in your head while you finish up. Spinning around the small area, feet tapping on the linoleum.

Suddenly, a bottle whirls by your head and crashes into the wall behind you. You gasp loudly and turn to see Dude, lounging on the couch, peeking out from under a blanket patterned with Krotchy; His brows furrowed in anger.

"Keep it down. Christ..." He grumbles quietly, sitting up and staring at you. He's obviously in a mood. You blink at him in disbelief, your head whipping back and forth from the bottle to his stupid face.

"I thought you'd be out, doing God knows what!? Why are you home?" You speak to him, hand on your chest, trying to stop your heart from failing at the sudden shock.

"Why the hell do you care? It's my fucking place, I should be asking why you're here."

He rises fully, sitting on the couch; turning the small TV on. Staring the thing down and ignoring you now. You catch your breath and take in his appearance.

To be blunt; he looks like shit. Hair matted to his head with grease and sweat, his stubble coming in full and thick. His leg twitches, bouncing up and down on the ground and you see his jaw move. His teeth grinding together.

Realization hits you and you take a few cautious steps towards him, like he's a dog that bites when nervous.

"Withdrawals..?" You ask him, putting on a passive voice trying not to press his buttons further. He glances at you from the side of his glasses, you can see his eyes shift back to the television before he scoffs. "Shut up."

You sigh. Walking over and sitting next to him, far enough to give him some space, just in case he lashes out again . He crosses his arms and ignores you further. You try again. "Anything I can do to help?"

"Just shut up." After a small beat he speaks again adding quickly to his first demand. "Just sit there, and shut up."

You can't help but crack a small smile at his request, if he was in a better mood you'd tease him at the way he wants you to stay close in silence. His tone today is doing something to you. You chide yourself in your head, calling yourself a masochist. Your legs clench together slightly at the harsh words; 'Shut up'.

Deciding against better judgment you lean forward, invading his space slightly. He said to just sit and shut up and that's what you intend to do. You tentatively reach out, a finger hooking around the top of his jeans, reaching a thumb down and grabbing the fabric, pulling and undoing the button quickly.

His head snaps to you in attention. "What the hell are you doing?"

You shrug. Leaning in more, wrapping your fingers around the zipper and pulling it down. His breath hitches and his arms uncross, grabbing onto the cushions next to him.

You fall to your knees to the cold, dirty floor below and you teeter to the front of him. Looking up at him, raising an eyebrow in silent questioning. His face dusts with a blush and he grits his teeth in defiance a bit before he raises and lets you tug the waist of his pants and boxers down to his mid thigh.

You grin at him. His bitchy attitude staying even though you're about to blow him is adorable to see. You lean forward, spitting into your hand.

You take him in your hands, tugging and lubing his cock up, watching as he groans and lets his head fall back. He swears to himself and his nails tighten into the cushions, digging into the fabric.

Once he's hard enough and at attention, you lean in and pop his head into your mouth, giving the slit a small lick, tasting the precum and making him whine.

"F-fuck!" His voice echoes, falling in with the noise of the TV behind you. You take him deeper, he's not that big; modest at best, so you take him easily. Getting into a good rhythm to make him whine and moan in ways that make you clench your legs together to try and control yourself. Speeding up, you whine when you feel one of his heavy hands wrap into your hair, knotting it into a handle to push you deeper onto him. He growls, thrusting up into your face, practically skull fucking you now.

You adjust quickly, moaning and looking up to him for approval. His glasses have slid down his nose a bit and his green eyes peer at you, full of lust and desire. He laughs and coos at you, teasingly. "Awh, mouth full? You're doing so well. You were made to suck this cock, weren't you?"

His voice makes your eyes roll and you whine against him, the vibrations making him groan again. "Fuck, Babe. Right there, keep going! I'm close. You - ah! You better fucking s-swallow too!"

Like you had a choice. He tightens his grip on your hair, holding you down while he finishes down your throat. You gag for a moment, leaning back off him when he's done and swallow; gasping for air.

"You asshole! I nearly drowned." You whine and frown up at him, wiping your mouth and catching your breath.

He looks at you unamused and with indifference, breathing heavily, coming down from the high he just had. He tucks himself back into his pants and reaches up fixing his glasses. He leans his head back, sighing up at the ceiling, his jaw clenches again.

You sigh, thinking of him like an animal that needs put out of its misery.

"Come on. I'll buy you some this time." His head snaps up to look at you, before breaking out into a shit eating grin.

"Fuck yeah!"

He stands quickly and grabs your arm pulling you off the ground and out the door.

[hals-homo-blog]

Giving Postal 2 Dude a Bath

P2 Bath Anon I hope you see this. I thought your idea was really cute and I wanted to do some nice hcs of my own for it q v q I really hope you see this. I see you, you are funny and nice and ily. (/pla)

HE’S FUCKIGN STINKY! The stink had CROSSED the line, and Reader needs that man warshed NNNNOWWWW‼️‼️

Really, it depends how close you two are, how deep into the relationship you are, etc :3c Earlier on? Good luck, he’s not gonna have anything to do with that. He’s still gonna be mostly closed off from having the previous relationship be So Very Shitty.

Later on, though? After you’ve been together a few years? After he trusts you and is more comfortable with you? I think he would begrudgingly allow it. He knows he reeks to high heaven and something needs to be done about it. Your nudging about it would push him over the edge to Just get it Over with.

You’ll have better luck if you propose the idea of bathing together as opposed to just you giving him a bath like a Stinky Dog :3c however Stinky and Dog-like he may be. You had better believe he’s gonna be naughty about it >:3c Thats prolly why he agreed in the first place. The water ain’t the only thing that’s gonna be steamy in there. >:3c

You would definitely have the best luck if he was stoned or drunk or otherwise altered. He’s already looking to feel good, hence being altered, and the nice hot water with your fingers massaging the shampoo into his scalp, giving him lots of attention, definitely fits the bill.

Ok, as for Not High and Not Sexy, he’s still hesitant about it, like the previous writer mentioned, he is a grown-ass man I can see it being like those classic cartoon cat-baths where he wedges his limbs against the tub so he doesn’t get wet.

He very well may bite you, Anon. >:3c Don’t scrub too hard or let the soap get in his eyes (The sunglasses stay ON during bath time 😤) otherwise it’s a one way ticket to Chomp Town. I hope you had your rabies vaccination, pookie. <3

I think it would be a nice, intimate thing in the end, building trust, deepening the relationship, showing Dude that you’re different, this relationship is different and that this sort of vulnerability is ok.

Enjoy Clean Dude while he lasts, because you’re not coaxing him back in there for a loooong time. Dude is stinky, that is his natural state, he will soon return to it and bring balance back to the universe.

BONUS HEADCANON: From my good friend @spiderh0rse, if he’s Stinky and Doglike, HIT HIM WITH THE HOSE!!

Somebody has drawn this meme with the Dude, right? Surely. Surely someone has, I feel like I’ve seen it lol.

Hhh I hope you enjoy!! I haven’t really done a headcanons thingy like this before, so I hope it came out ok.

I mean no disrespect to the writer who was originally given this prompt q v q I just thought there were a lot of funny and sweet story opportunities that were missed out on, and I wanted to explore them a bit. I apologize if my making this comes off as rude or mean 🙏 /gen

I do think the Dude is capable of tenderness and/or non-sexual intimacy, it just takes a lot, a LOT, more work to get there for the s/o, y/n, reader, etc.

[montimer]

postal dude head over heels obsessive hcs ? <3

Postal dude x reader

Obsessive hc's

The first time he saw you, something sparked inside of him. When he talked to you he was very nervous.

He would insist on walking you home. Everytime he sees you, he goes up to you. Always asking about ur day.

He starts to hang around you more. Maybe leaving flowers ar ur door.

Getting jealous when another person gets ur attention. Its okay if it's family/friend but he would treathen the others later.

He will follow you around like a puppy. Walking close to you, smiling when you say something. His heart beating faster when his hand touches yours a little.

You can't see but he glances at you every now and then. Thanks to his sunglasses.

He might see something that you like but can't buy. Thats fine, he'll get it for you later. Hopefully in a legal way

His mind just can't seem to stop thinking about you. Even little things remind him of you.

If you let him stay at ur place he might not fall asleep. Hes too nervous, even if ya'll don't share a bed. Hes just so happy you trust him.

He says ur name so lovingly.

He just loves you so much. He fears of losing you. What if you find out what hes been doing?

Little does he know you like him back :]

[derangedmoth97]

Unhinged Postal 2 rant/imagine

Postal 2 Dude would be so good as a villain in a slasher movie. His crackhead lifestyle and white trash personality got me thinking. So I decided to make this abomination of a post, I might make this into a full fic sometime. maybe. I'm bad at writing though so who the heck knows...

imagine some of the friends you made in paradise warning you about the horrid man in the trenchcoat. They suspect he might be behind the string of mass murders in town. So, they warn you stay away from that trailer and the man living in it. And you took their advice, making sure to plot your routes, making sure to come home before sunset, making sure to avoid him. And it worked for a time. He never bothered you and vice versa. There were times where you had to interact, but to be honest he didn't seem half bad, just a man trying to do his errands. at least that's what you thought before the break-in. You didn't know why the pit in your stomach dropped when the phone rang, it's just your friend, the phone showed his nickname, his number. There's nothing wrong. There's nothing wrong. "Hello?" That reassurance died from the sound of your killer's voice. "Hi there, would you like to be the final girl?

[kirlias452]

I need more postal dude x reader / Y/N content please I’m thirsty for itttttt

[koriyokai]

postal dude its baby girl uwu (i found picture in pinterest)

also have 2 variants png and jpg

[sil3ntfr34k]

Postal dude 2 boyfriend headcanons

• Mans is RANCID but you still love him <33

• Even with how sassy and sarcastic as he is, he still has a soft spot for you. Isn't very good as showing it, but he does little things here and there to show his love for you

• Y'all probably met during one of his errands his wife made him run, bumping into each other in line while he was getting milk. He was very surprised that someone is actually talking to him and not cussing him out. Y'all chatted it up before you had to pay for your items and leave, leaving him alone once again

• He would be lying if he said he didn't follow you home like some creep to find out where you live so he could 'check-in' on you periodically

• After a handful of conversations and hang outs, he can't seem to stop thinking about you. Even while still married to his current wife, he'd still fantasize about being married to you instead

• He eventually does divorce his bitch wife so he can have a life with you. This doesn't bother the bitch anyway since she was already cheating on him with Mike J,,,

• Once you two start dating you get to see a softer, more gentle side of Dude. Where he was once a crass and inconsiderate, he has become more understanding and loving. He's surprisingly clingy!

• Before you moved in with Dude (or he moves in with you, whatever you like best) he would always hang out at your place anyway. Hell, he'd even bring over Champ just so he could have both his favorite things with him at the same time.

• (Champ is literally his son he gave birth to, no one can tell him otherwise. Sure Dude can be a little mean to Champ, but what parent doesn't get annoyed of their kids now and then??)

• If Dude moved in with you, then Champ gets upgraded to a house dog and no longer has to rough it outside since his bitch ex-wife didn't like pets. Also Dude still has his trailer and all, but it's more of a 'back-up house' or storage.

• No matter if he moved in with you or you moved in with him. he lets you decorate however you'd like. he's pretty adaptable to most environments since he moved around to a lot of different places growing up. Of course he's still messy and smells, but he tries JUST A LIL harder for you

• "Sorry babe, but my crack comes first."

• Please be understanding of this. He's been through a lot and it helps with a lot of his problems. From his chronic pains throughout his body to his schizophrenic episodes, being unsober helps him relax

• Dude is really nervous about telling you about his schizophrenia. His ex-wife always made his episodes worse by yelling at him that he's crazy or something, so he dreads having to tell you. What if you don't understand? What if you get weirded-out and leave him?? What if you start to see him as a burden?? Oh god what is he supposed to do if you want him to leave?????

• Underneath his cocky and confident facade, he's actually incredibly insecure and scared. Even just the tiniest bit of rejection or negative action from you is like this roman empire. He had stopped caring about what his ex-wife thought of him long before the divorce so nothing she did or said really affected him. But you. Your too special to him. He hangs off your every word

• Dates with him are very,,, intimate? Not in the way you might think of, more of in a 'It's just us' way. He's not exactly a people person so he doesn't want to even see other people while on a date with you

• He probably lands on something like a dinner and a show at home or playing some video games while eating all the junk food in the world together. To be fair, there's not exactly a 'nice' area in Paradise, so most couples just stay inside for things like this anyway.

• No matter what y'all end up doing, you better believe you have his undivided attention. All you got do is say the magic word ("now") and he will give it to you on a silver platter

• Even with how good of a boyfriend he seems to be, Dude is NOT Mr. Perfect. Dude has his bad habits and red-flags too.

• During heated arguments Dude can and will throw something at you, might even threaten to kill you tbh. Watch ur step bc that gun is always loaded with the safety off. Doesn't help he's trigger happy too,,,

• Dude also needs his alone time. Yesyesyes he loves you dearly, but the man still needs his space. Isn't afraid to say something like "Hey I gotta go do something, be back babe" and proceed to just lay in bed for 3 hours (Postal Dude bedrotting)

• It's very hard to get Postal Dude to open up about ANYTHING. Like, after being together for 5 years AND being engaged, your barely learning about his strange and very illegal family tree. Come to think of it, you never even knew he had parents. Yea you know he has to have a mom and dad, but you don't know if they're any good or still in his life.

• During a manic/depressive/crack-endued/schizophrenic episode, he makes it very hard for you to be there for him. He doesn't mean to do this, but it's not like can help it. To you, he's just acting-out, but to him, everyone is trying to hurt him and he's not safe anywhere. Suddenly it's like he's a totally different person, constantly running away from you and hiding. Honestly it might be best for you to just wait it out, maybe offer him some comforting words but still stay away.

• Overall, Postal Dude is a bumbling idiot who just wants to feel accepted by someone

[psychopunky]

100% forgot to say on here I am making a Postal fic. It’s slow burn and it’s my first fic it’s looking like it might be 6 chapters long.

I’m trying to work on chapter 2 now.

[timidtresleches]

Headcanons Time: Postal Dude and which ones get pegged lmao.

CW: obviously not sfw content. Can you guess what sort

P1: does not get pegged. Man is too paranoid to accept a foreign object up his ass sorry. Extends to possibly being too paranoid for sex in general if I'm being realistic and not whimsically in love lol. IF I CAN BE WHIMSICAL THO he can get pegged if you've been with him for like a good few years. Takes a LONG time to get used to it enough to enjoy it WHICH HE DOES if he gets past the nerves.

P2: yes x3 because not only does he get pegged by those with a strap and bonked by those with the real thing, but also pegs himself and by that I mean he jerks off with a dildo often instead of just using his hand. Who is he to deny an efficient jerk-off method.

P3: refuses to be pegged by a lady bc that's gay but also is okay with guy fucking him because, and I quote, "a dollar is a dollar!" Realistically would love it from any Gender though but this guy is just "internalized misogyny/homophobia" within a not-straight man.

P4: same as p2 except he gets more dick/strap. Body count is way higher for peepaw.

Brain Damaged: too busy arguing about it with Other Dude to actually get pegged

Movie Dude: gets exclusively pegged (/lhj but probably prefers receiving/bottoming in general).

Shtopor: everyday. Probably pegs as well (Trans shtopor ftw)

[snowy-nostalgia]

Postal 1 Dude and Postal 2 Dude headcanons: Accidentally making you cry.

Postal 2 Dude:

- Instantly regrets it but doesn’t know what to do (Guess he does regret something for once)

- He’ll try to apologize but since he’s not used to it it’s not great

- “Look, I’m sorry, please stop crying.”

- He tries to hold you

- If you let him he’ll hold you and pet your head and back

- If you don’t he’ll give you your space to calm down

- He’s trying his best, he loves you he’s just not used to being emotionally available

- He tries not to do it again but no promises

- If you need anything though just tell him

- He’s willing to learn to become more emotionally available for you, but only for you

Postal 1 Dude:

- He’s crying too

- The thought of hurting you in any way makes him feel awful

- You’re his soulmate, he’d do anything for you

- So knowing he’s done something to make you cry tears him up inside

- “I’m so sorry, Baby! Please forgive me, I’m so sorry!”

- He might be a little hysterical

- If you let him hold you he’ll cling to you like a baby bear clings to a tree

- If you don’t let him hold you he’ll do anything in his power to make you feel better

- You’re hungry? He’ll get you food. You wanna be cozy? He’ll wrap you in blankets. He’ll literally do anything you want

- You’re the most important thing to him so he’ll make sure not to make this mistake again

[layne-regrets-nothing]

god dude i.. i just ,,, i want postal 2 dude so bad. i just KNOW he stinks good. i love him chrome dome but i would Also buy him rogaine if he wanted it... i want him so much its unreal i would do ANYTHING for a crumb of attention from him. fucking fuck goddamn its so real i Need him

[montimer]

Postal dude x gn!reader

Random headcanons

He will call you by ur nickname if you use one

Pda is a must for him. No matter whos around he will hold ur hand or pull you into a kiss.

Before you guys got together, he was kind of shy around you. He didn't wanted to mess it up and lose you.

He would always protect you. At the same time he doesn't wanna scare you. But if you don't mind it, he will kill infront of you.

He would love to make out w/ you.

He will buy matching clothes for the two of you. He likes to just walk around w/ you in it too

For dates he would want to take you to a calmer place, like a restaurant or something. He tryies to get money in a legal way for it.

He likes it when you compliment him. When he doesn't wear his sun glasses and you tell him that his eyes are beautiful. He just blushes, he doesn't really know how to react.

He will try to flirt back, even if it sounds shitty, hearing you giggle makes him smile.

When hes feeling down he would lay his head on ur lap, it's even better if you strok his hair.

He is beautiful in ur eyes and that warms his heart. He thinks, he knows you are perfect :))

[starrydevotion]

hiiii! im just making a post to say to remember to tag as self ship any art that contains it. my friend is uncomfortable with some people self shipping with dude and is having trouble filtering it out because its not tagged or mentioned in the post, thank you sm !