#pre 3x10

[thetarttfuldickhead]

”I talked to Southgate yesterday.”

The sun is not yet up; Jamie is dutifully stretching his legs in the cold yellow of a streetlight when Roy suddenly speaks. It’s the first thing he’s said all morning, except for gruff commands of run and ten more and fucking higher, Tartt. 

“Yeah?” Switching legs to work on his other calf, Jamie tries for a casual tone, fails, and doesn’t much care. “What about?” 

Roy gives him a look: the fuck do you think? There’s no heat in it, though. Rarely is these days, and that thought is a glowing ember in Jamie’s chest, equal parts joy and amazement.  

For a moment, Roy doesn’t say anything else. Jamie completes his stretches and straightens. Waits, with heart hammering hard, hard beneath his hoodie. 

“He got in touch two years ago,” Roy finally offers, seemingly adressing the streetlight. “Before the Euros. Asked about you, what sort of player you were.” He glances at Jamie then, face carefully blank. “I told him the truth.” 

That… hurts, unexpectedly. Not because Jamie is surprised, really, or because it is unfair, because he isn’t and it’s not, but still. It stings, though not as bad as it had back then, and for different reasons. 

He wants to make a joke, say something glib to chase the taste of resigned dismay and shame away: he opens his mouth; closes it again. Looks away from Roy and is grateful that the other man seems content to leave it at that rather than going into the details of just what he’d told Southgate. Fair or not, Jamie thinks he can do without hearing it. He can imagine it well enough. 

Roy is studying him, like he’s expecting Jamie to protest or complain. It feels a little bit like a test, maybe. Jamie remains quiet. Fiddles with his sleeves for something to do with his hands as the silence grows longer and the morning colder around him.   

And perhaps it is a test after all, because after a moment Roy nods slowly before starting to talk again. “Anyway, yesterday I called him up to let him know that those things I said two years ago weren’t true anymore, and that I didn’t want any of that to be held against you now.” 

Jamie’s eyes snap to Roy’s face and he opens his mouth to speak, but Roy holds his hand up, forestalling him. “Now, I have no idea what’s going to happen so I don’t want you getting your hopes up, but I’m telling you this because if he calls I want you to be prepared, because he’ll be asking about that stupid shit you pulled, what the fuck you thought you were doing, and I need you to be on your best fucking behaviour, okay? Don’t grovel, but none of that fucking cocky bravado or defensive bullshit either. You were a prick, you understand that now, and you’ve worked fucking hard at being better. Got it?” 

Jamie nods, quickly, eagerly, because yeah, yeah, he can do that. Would probably be up for a bit of grovelling too, if it increased his chances of being called up. Fuck, he’ll say whatever he has to say, spill his whole fucking heart if need be to prove that he can be the best fucking— 

Suddenly, he frowns. Roy notices and raises his eyebrows. “What?”

“Should I… “ Jamie pauses, uncertain. “Should I tell him, you know, about me dad? I mean, if he asks why I left City to do a TV show, what do I say?” 

Roy considers that for a bit. It occurs to Jamie that Roy probably doesn’t actually know why Jamie ran out on City the way he did; Jamie certainly never told him, and he doubts Ted did either. But he can probably guess the rough shape of it anyway.

“Gareth’s a good man,” Roy offers at long last. “You want to tell him the truth, you tell him the truth, he won’t say a word. Don’t try to use it as an excuse though.” 

“I won’t,” Jamie says with a small scowl and a flash of annoyance, because when has he ever? 

Maybe Roy realizes as much, because his face softens into something almost apologetic. “I’m just saying, because I don’t want any of that old stuff getting in the way of you being called up now.“ He pauses, like he’s hesitating over whether to keep on talking or not. Settles for keep on talking, apparently, because he adds, without looking at Jamie, “You deserve it.”

Three words, and enough for the ember in his chest to roar into open flame. Jamie can feel the heat of it reach his face; gentle warmth in the February chill. “Thanks, Coach.”

--- 

The call comes two days later. Taking it has Jamie running late for training and when he finally rushes into the dressing room Roy lays into him with enough venom to make the other players carefully back away from them. Still, Jamie can’t do a thing to quell the grin on his face.

“What the fuck are you smiling at?” Roy snaps. 

“Southgate called.” He’s a little surprised to hear how dazed he sounds. Feels like he could fucking fly, but the words come out almost hushed. 

Roy immediately stills. “And?”

He should savour it, perhaps, the triumph of this moment. Take a second to marvel at the sight of Roy – Roy fucking Kent – holding his breath as he waits for an answer, but he can’t, he can’t, it’s too big, to happy, too fucking good, and he can’t hold it in. “He’s calling me up.”

[joysmercer]

you found a new version of me, and i damn near started world war 3 is a very joy-coded line

[acesnancy]

the billionaire dude on truth serum is def the most satisfying to watch lmao

[whenmemorydies]

This needs to get good or go away.

Having watched all of season 3 of The Bear, Carmy's epic spiral in 1x07 The Review makes so much more sense now. Let's take a look.

Recall Sydney's Cola-Braised Short Rib & Risotto dish from 1x06 Ceres, which she asks Carm to try:

Carmy tells Syd the dish, while tremendous, is not ready to be rolled out as part of The Beef's menu:

Now at Eleven Madison Park, where Carmy was CDC before returning back to Chicago to take over The Beef, when Carmy produced a dish that his EC (Joel McHale as psychopath, Chef David Fields) didn't think was ready, he was berated and abused for it:

Carmy would then be made to THROW AWAY the food he had made:

This is because in Chef Field's kitchen, the food needs to get good or go away:

Note: This particular brand of abuse by Chef Fields almost certainly set the stage for the COLOSSAL waste of food we kept seeing in season 3 as Carmy chucked "not perfect" dish after dish into the trash. He was reverting to learned patterns of behaviour picked up under Fields at EMP in his feral pursuit of a star at The Bear.

Alright, so I think we can establish that in Carmy's experience, there's no serving food to patrons where the EC doesn't think that food is ready to go out. Even if this means huge amounts of perfectly edible and probably delicious food gets chucked in the bin.

But what does Sydney do in 1x06 with her tremendous but "not ready" dish of Cola-braised short ribs with risotto, of which she has an extra plate? She sends it out to a patron. Because Sydney Adamu Does. Not. Waste. Food! (a woman after my mother's heart):

She even tells Carmy that she didn't want to waste the food in the next episode, 1x07 The Review, when we find out (along with Sydney) that the patron she gave her dish to was a food critic who wrote a glowing review about The Beef, and made special mention of Syd's dish in particular (note: this is the same review that Syd has stuck to her fridge door in 3x10 Forever):

Now Carmy plays the review and the fact that Sydney's dish made it out of the kitchen off here. He insists "its all good" but this lasts for about a second before he drops this petty, passive-aggressive barb:

And then as most people know by now, the kitchen rapidly descends into chaos when we come to realise that Sydney accidentally left The Beef's online pre-order option open, resulting in a huge number of orders that the crew could not reasonably be expected to fill. While this is happening, Carmy begins to spiral. He starts berating Sydney:

And then we get it, the moment Carmy snaps to EMP, Chef Fields and Michelin Mode:

Of course, Sydney asks the question that we're all thinking:

Because really, the short rib and risotto dish has nothing to do with the pre-order fiasco...but Carm is in the middle of a spiral here.

He is off kilter, triggered by Sydney sending out a dish he deemed was "not ready" and a new system they've tried to implement now blowing up in their faces. When Sydney asks Carmen what her Cola-braised short rib and risotto dish has to do with the pre-order issue, Carm yells at her:

Chef, stop!

Then Sydney does her best to try and manage expo but at this point, Carmy is taking anyone speaking to him as an act of insubordination. His need to regain control is so great at this point in the episode that he blows up at Sydney in a moment that is still hard for me to watch:

As I said at the start of this post, seeing the windows into Carmy's culinary (and familial) ancestry across all 3 seasons of The Bear has contextualised Carmy's breakdown in 1x07 that much better for me. Key to this context is control and agency.

@chaoswillcalmusdown and I talked here about how important a lack of control is in driving much of Carmy's actions, particularly in the context of being locked in the walk-in at the end of season 2. I think this obviously holds for season 1 as well.

Carmy's history of trauma, particularly as the child of an addict, means that he has grown up feeling powerless and fearful in the one place where he was meant to feel safe and secure: his home.

This fear was felt by all the Berzatto kids. In 3x08 Ice Chips, Carm's sister Natalie tells their mother, Donna, that the latter scared all of her children and that this is something Natalie doesn't want for her own unborn child.

In his Al-Anon monologue in 1x08 Braciole, Carm also discloses a number of other instances where he felt powerless, including as an adolescent at school and later in his relationship with his brother Mikey:

Carm wanted desperately for a relationship with his oldest brother but the latter's addiction and mental health issues meant that Carm was kept at a distance. Mikey's death by suicide would have been another foundational trauma for Carmy: an event he could not have controlled at all but, had he been able to, would have tried to change with everything in his power in order to avoid losing the only father figure he's ever really known.

Now, add to all of this: Carmy's experience at EMP working under an Executive Chef who seems to get off on inducing a perpetual state of fear and powerlessness in his staff. We see from Carmy's flashbacks throughout the series that at EMP, he never speaks back to Chef Fields despite the latter's incessant verbal and psychological abuse. The ONLY time we see Carmen challenge Fields is when he makes the decision to sub out his EC's choice of fennel soubise for blood orange in a hamachi dish - a dish that eventually will make its way to Sydney Adamu. But even this challenge by Carmy is oblique, one that doesn't involve direct confrontation of Fields himself. In fact, as far as we know, Fields never finds out about Carm's act of insubordination.

Where folks have experienced repeated or chronic trauma like Carmy has throughout his life, a common coping mechanism is to try and assert control wherever possible. This reflex is an attempt to claw back some of the powerlessness that traumatic incidents have taken away. We've seen Carmy do this most profoundly throughout season 3. But this is also what has been happening all along in the show, including in ep 1x07.

Here at The Beef where Carm was in effect EC, his sous, Sydney, challenged him by sending out a dish he said wasn't ready. She does what he did at EMP but the difference is, here Carmy finds out about it. And then, as the kitchen descends into chaos because of the pre-order fiasco, Carmy ROARS. He doesn't stop to think about how similar Sydney is to him in their rebellions. Or that it makes sense to not waste perfectly good food. Instead, he lets the bear out of its cage in an attempt to scare everyone in his vicinity into submission. He channels the most recent mentor he's had - the one whose abuse would have literally altered Carmy's brain chemistry and behavioural instincts (because thats what trauma does to us) - in order to assert control and avoid, at all costs, that familiar feeling of powerlessness.

All of the above is not to say that Carmy's behaviour in 1x07 (or 3x03 or 3x09 etc) was acceptable. It wasn't. Carmy even recognised this in 1x08 when he apologises to Syd via text:

Later in that same episode, Carmy offers to start The Bear with Sydney: a peace offering and a commitment to their relationship.

We got none of this remorse or show of contrition from Carmy in season 3, which I think has contributed to why the most recent season of The Bear has divided audiences. But given the events of 3x10, I suspect these things are going to come from Carmy in the next season. I also note this interview with co-show runner Joanna Calo where she says (about depicting trauma and recovery on the show):

[I]f you're going to change, its probably temporary [...] or if you do actually change, it takes a while.

[...]

[c]hange is gradual and you do, you go back and forth [...] You make gains in one way but then when its actually tested in another, you realise you actually aren't fixed at all [...] and that felt like a real thing that we knew we wanted to explore.

Watching this interview after season 3 was reassuring. It contextualised a lot of Carmy's behaviour as regression, given his past trauma. This leaves room for the next season of the show to explore what happens after Carmy realises the cost of his regression - on himself and his loved ones. And hopefully we then get more steps forward than backwards in his recovery. Hopefully, we get less perfection (which itself is an attempt at control) and more joyful, loving mess.

[haircoveredwriter]

Reunion Speculation

After analyzing the Book of Carol promo for the 100th time, I have a theory about how the Caryl reunion might go down in season 2.

To start off we know Carol is trapped inside a car swarmed by walkers until something splatters brain matter over the front windshield. Sadly her earlier seen travelling companion looks to be deader than dead in the rearview mirror, so we know it's not him coming to her aid. There is then a hand that touches the back of the car ... a fingerless glove wearing hand attached to a dark trench coat adorned arm ( I wonder WHO that could be? LOL)

In case my sarcasm is weak, I believe it's Daryl.

I think Carol and her dead compadre could be trapped in a car at Maison Mere. We saw in ep5 when all the people arrived to "celebrate", a large portion arrived in cars and I think it's safe to assume that when the bullets started flying and walkers running around free commenced, everyone didn't think to wait to retrieve their cars from the valet. Also Daryl, Fallou and co know where Maison Mere is -having just been there - and Genet may look to move operations to a more secure area as to not have them ruin dollar store Bill Nye's experiments.

**Season 2 filming spoiler** We've also seen a bunch of military vehicles with the Pouvoir logo driving up to and around the Louvre. Seems to be more secure to me.

Daryl & group could be heading back there as a pre-empt effort so the people at The Nest will be safe once Daryl leaves to go home or because there is important info/supplies left to grab. Either way, we know Daryl isn't the type to leave someone in need to die - and walkers clamoring at a car the way they are in the promo means something is alive in there. (It goes back to the early sesons of TWD, in 3x10 where Daryl chose to save a random family and baby on the bridge from walkers while Merle wanted to mug them for their supplies. Not to mention the most recent saving Laurent from being a beach party snack instead of getting on the boat to go home). He's the type of person to help "whoever" is in there, but he's about to get the shock of his life.

[imminent-danger-came]

Something that I think is really funny (even though I don’t know if there is any deeper meaning behind it beyond being a funny contrast) is how MK is only ever catty to Macaque. Meanwhile, as of the season 3 specials, Macaque is at his best/kindest when with MK.

I don‘t think I‘ve ever seen you talk in depth about these two? So I was wondering what your thoughts on them were (generally speaking).

I think overall, it really highlights MK's negative character arc vs Macaque's positive one. Macaque has his issues, of course, but he's also improved somewhat (being willing to help SWK in 4x11 being the prime example of that). MK on the other hand just keeps steadily going down.

And I also think that like...in a way, MK is for Macaque who Tang Sanzang was for Wukong:

"Wukong was on a path of self-destruction, we all were. But when he met the Monk, it sent him down a different path." (4x11 A Lifetime of Mistakes)

Which I think is very reminiscent of Macaque's arc in seasons 1-3. Macaque, who was very bent on revenge and wallowing in his own suffering, learns to see Wukong in a different light and the value of helping others.

"Alright Misery Kid, you were supposed to realize by now that the choices the game's giving you aren't the only choices you've got. Life isn't some pre-written thing like a video game where you ahve to do what the tutorial says. [...] Whatever point is, it's time to start making your own choices—something I wish I would have learned a lot sooner than I did." (4x10 The Jade Emperor)

And a big part of that was MK giving him a chance in 3x13, along with MK's choice to not abandon Mei in 3x10.

So yeah! I think Macaque and MK have a pretty interesting dynamic. I also am kinda hoping that MK loses his shit on Macaque next season lol, and then from there they can both build a more sincere and honest relationship!

[kiekiecarrera]

“We’re on an adventure baby come on now” - Her face looks so worried and concerned and he says that and shoulder bumps her and she instantly looks up at him and smiles and even blushes a bit I CANTTTT they’re perfect together and in love

JJ knowing exactly what to say to put her fears at ease pleaaaaaaase. I know we were all so riled up over how little we got in 3x10, but there's such a noticeable difference between JJ pre-3x08 and JJ post-3x08???? Like, the way he was checking her out at the Chateau, the teasing her the next day, looking the happiest when they were on the plane to South America, and every small interaction we got before they met up with the others in 3x10 - it's like once he made up his mind and let his walls down, he was so at ease and attuned to what she needed from him, it's insane :') This is why I can't wait til we see JJ in actual boyfriend mode in s4. Like, Rudy made so many choices in just a few minutes of screentime together, imagine when he has more time and both he and Bailey have more storylines as a couple??

[arbitrarygreay]

Hmm I feel like that was a missed opportunity by the showrunners personally. Adler and her biddies kinda fascinate me. Imagine have 7 people in your head for decades (albeit different biddies rotating), losing them all violently, dying, then getting resurrected and suddenly for the first time in hundreds of years having privacy.

Recently I’ve been trying to look through the show to see if canonically Adler actually mentally communicates with them and they’re not just emphatically mirroring her emotions through the bond.

Love your theory on Adlers pre biddy life extension plans. The timeline of MFS often makes little sense to me.

I have no issues with fandom taking a more passionate interpretation of the Bond. Just that the showrunners, who are themselves living a life of rotating through close artistic partners through different productions, did not break any contract with the audience with the more detached approach they took in the show.

As for what we do actually see of the Biddy Bond in the show, here's some observations!

From 2x1: [Could you hear her thoughts?] Sort of? Surface stuff. Like, directives, I could hear loud and clear. Not so much memories.

This doesn't tell us if the Biddies are obliged/compelled to follow said directives. However, the next two points indicate that something about the Working does facilitate them to coordinate with each other more easily than they would otherwise.

We see the Biddies reacting in tandem to express Alder's disapproval at people.

Tactically, we see that Alder uses the Biddies to pull off complex workings that require many voices to layer waves in the right sync. (Compare to how Raelle's post-Mycelium voice is described: "The sound you made is composed of thousands of layered voices, one on top of the other. I've never heard anything so complex before.") But that's not impossible for other groups to emulate, like Anacostia, Sterling, and Gregorio doing the Rings of Saturn storm together in 3x10 (chosen because there's a fast tuning and wind-up phase, something the Biddies' sync can bypass/make even faster).

The only case where we see involuntary sharing is pain/injury. Although, given that Alder takes on all of the years back when a Biddy dies (not re-distributing to other Biddies), I think there is an extent to which she can control, that, too. So e.g. she can choose not to share the scourge scratch Tally inflicted on her in 2x9 with the Biddies.

In 1x3, they express their own opinions on Beltane and their choice to serve. In 2x1, Tally in her Biddy state asks Alder if she's done something wrong (a feeling Tally repeats to Abigail later in the episode), indicating that she couldn't predict that Alder would offer her the chance to de-Biddy, or read any thoughts/emotions on if Alder was doing it because Tally was not up to snuff.

The description a Marshal Biddy gives from 3x7: "He's been hard to reach lately. Very secretive. But our link spans the length of the Cession. Unless he's outside our borders, I should be able to locate him." This disproves the fanon that Alder can't be far away from the Biddies. It also shows that Alder can choose to project nothing, having privacy for herself if she wants, though the Biddies can still get a sense of her location.

So, my guess is that the level of autonomy a Biddy has at any given time is dependent on Alder's will, but even when obeying her directives, they don't get true insight into why she is making those commands, unless Alder chooses to project those thoughts. If we go back to Tally's description of the bond as a roadtrip with no privacy, it's not like you automatically know everything about the people you're in the car with (and Alder is driving the car, obviously).

Obligatory:

[kiss-my-freckle]

Ok. Rewatching and reading all your posts. Stefan says in 3x10(pre Delena kiss) that Jeremy isn't his problem anymore. So clearly he knew Delena was already cemented. When did this happen?

Season 3 Stefan is hard to explain as it pertains to Delena.

From 3x1 to 3x5, Stefan pushes Damon and Elena together for the sake of getting them to let him go. He's fully intent on protecting Elena from Klaus, and he honestly believed Damon would let him go if he had Elena to hold onto. That's why he kills Andie, all-knowing she's Damon's distraction from Elena. Why he literally breaks up with Elena in Chicago. Why he tells Damon to take Elena home and keep her there. Keeping Elena home requires Damon stay there with her. He wants them to hold onto each other, and do so for the sake of letting him go.

From 3x5 to 3x12, Stefan is witnessing Delena. Witnessing Elena move on with Damon. He simply doesn't care because he's without his humanity. Klaus forced Stefan to flip his humanity switch. That's why he tells them to "carry on" as they were when he catches them getting "cozy" in 3x5. Why it doesn't bother him when he sees Elena's jealousy of Damon in 3x6. His emotions are off, so he doesn't care. A quick notation: Stefan would've remembered everything when he flipped his emotions back on just as Elena does in season 4. So when he flips his emotions back on, everything he saw with Delena would come rushing back.

He has his humanity from 3x9 onward, he just hasn't let it all back in. Like Elena's hatred for Katherine in season 4, Stefan focuses on his hate for Klaus. He refuses to let it all back in because he feels he lost Elena. That's why you get comments like the one he makes in 3x14. "If I let myself care, all I feel is pain." Why he says what he does when he goes after Klaus in 3x18. "Klaus does not get to survive this. Not after everything he took from me." Stefan lost Elena. Still, it bothers Stefan when Elena admits she kissed Damon in 3x12. It's what stops him from treating her like shit. That's also when he decides he's gonna fight for her. He refuses to let Delena happen. So from the end of 3x12 onward, he's fighting against Delena in the hopes that he can "eventually" win her back.

The end of 3x13 offers the promise of war between Damon and Stefan because they're both in love with her. A war Damon will win because Stefan made the mistake of pushing them together. That's why Stefan rightfully accepts blame in 3x18. "It's my fault. It's all my fault. I mean, this is all my fault." It was never Klaus' fault. It was Stefan's. Stefan was the one that chose to spend the entire summer lying. The one who quite literally handed Elena to Damon.

[outrunningthedark]

I’m very much with you on the writer thing, especially with FOMO & Nicole and am actually a bit surprised at the current backlash (though maybe I shouldn’t be). I guess I somehow missed all this negative energy when FOMO first aired but from the reaction I saw I thought it was one of the better received episodes of the season.

It gave us some lovely Eddie & May bonding that showed just how well he was taking to therapy, the mother & her daughters which felt like a classic 911 heartbreaking emergency, and a lovely Henren story that felt a bit more pleasantly lighthearted than most previous Henren focused stories.

Like yeah I thought the Lucy stuff was cringey too but most of it was cut and what little was left is relatively easy to ignore or skip through. To me it felt like on of the closest episodes to pre-s5 911 than what we’d gotten in while. And if this mid-season finale if Hen focused, her previous writing has me feeling kinda good about what we could get for Hen.

And if people are that worried about Buddie, I don’t think we’ve seen enough of her writing on the show to know if her being on this episode means we’re not anything with them or that it will be written badly?

Hiiii, nonnie and thank you for stopping by! "Actually a bit surprised at the current backlash (though maybe I shouldn’t be)." Right there with you. Writers don't make the final call on anything even if they have a producer or executive producer label in front of their name (KR was already co-shunner in s4 and Tim rejected parts of her original script, ffs), so idk where fandom has gotten this idea that Nicole has the power to dictate when L comes back. 🤨 KR (and Tim, who should still be observing from a distance) would be the one to decide if/when it's time to reintegrate the character, and the writer of the week would then have to include her in the episode. And the people talking about her being "obsessed" with Lucy because she was...nice to AK? remind me of the reaction to Tim saying he wanted to "explore the reporter angle" in s5, but it turns out the main motivation for asking MW back - and putting her on screen more than intended for the first half - came down to scheduling/cast issues! Nicole may have liked Lucy as member of the 118, but KR is the one who wanted Lucy to get some decent screen time in FOMO...and then changed her mind while going through the editing process. As for the "we're not getting Buddie :(" whining going on... 1) There's been *some* Buck and Eddie every midseason finale [2x10, 3x10, 4x08, 5x10], so even though Nicole tries to use men as secondary characters for a woman's story...we could be surprised. I don't anticipate "crumbs" or anything, though. It's still only gonna be episode nine of eighteen. 2) Tied in with the above - it's only episode nine!!! There's a whole other half season to give us Buddie content. Right now is about Hen making the decision between doctor and paramedic and Buck dealing with the aftermath of agreeing to be a sperm donor, which looks like it could be finished before 6x09. Three and a half seasons (the amount of time Buddie has been a strong possibility - I’m not counting s2) is not as long of a wait as people are making it out to be, and I think they would be more "forgiving" if Buddie were treated like a het couple ie obvious jealousy or outsiders questioning their feelings for each other, but again...We're not watching a het couple. We're not even watching two canonically queer characters. Where's the blueprint? How are they "supposed to be" handling this? How do you know the show is doing it wrong? ("Taking too long" is not a good enough reason, fyi.)

[weirdthoughtsandideas]

THE 1 YEAR REWATCH CONCLUSION POST

AND THERE WE GO, I REWATCHED THE ENTIRE SHOW!!!!! AND THE TAG IS ALMOST LIKE 900 POSTS NOW HOLY FUCK

Where to begin, where to begin... you're never finished talking about dcla shows, there 100000 things I wanna discuss and I have forgotten them all.

I've realized that I like Lutteo when they are friends. When they're just buddies joking around. I also only like their scenes in s3. Again, when they're just being friends.

I really change my opinion depending on the episode. If you ask me pre-s3 about who I want Luna to end up with, it's with Simón. I'll write 10 emotional posts about it. After 3x10? I want her to end up single. She'll be thriving as single.

I am grateful for all the context I've gotten for @soylunaoncrack. That blog will update much less now. Every day I change the queue, so sometimes it's 15 posts per day, other times 4, other times 28, other times 10, etc.

Luna, Ámbar and Simón really are the core three. The show is not the same without them. All three have a very special relationship with each other and I'd argue all three are soulmates - but I honestly think, as i've mentioned before, Luna is soulmates with Ámbar and Simón, but it's a little unclear if Simbar are soulmates. Maybe they're "accidental soulmates" aka, they weren't supposed to end together and then just fell for each other and became soulmates by chance.

Sharon could have done so much worse. So, so, much worse. But she didn't. She just sat in her car and stared at them. Like, when the adults got arrested and Luna was alone with Maggie and Rey? Sharon could have come and taken her. She could have come and kidnapped her or anything. I mean, I'm also happy she didn't, and she did commit arson, but I mean... yeah.

Emilia deserved better… but especially Amanda deserved better. Really really did not like what they did to her.

Ámbar!! My girlboss! I love analysing Ámbar's scenes tbh. How she acts, especially how she acts differently in all three seasons. How she wants to break free from Sharon already in s1, but she also goes back to being her perfect little goddaughter again, and again... until eventually, once Sharon's not around, she snaps and then breaks out and can become her true self.

But you know what scenes I love analysing too? JIM AND YAM'S SCENES!!!! :D I hope you will miss my little comment-analyses where I write little comments on screenshots, cause i'll miss them and I wanna use them in the future again. God, it's so fun just seeing them having their little love story in the background and how they slowly realize they're in love.

And I do think that, one reason Yam was so rude to Ramiro in s3 was because she doesn't like boys, and he was the boy everyone told her she was in love with - everyone else convinced her she liked him, everyone else said "you should date him". And so I think that, perhaps, if she was nice to him again, other people would think it was because she had a crush on him and try to make her date him again - and she didn't want that! It was much more about her than about him. And every time I say this, I feel so silly cause the only ones who does analyse Yam in s3 are Yamiro shippers, so they always come with "but she really loved him and was hurt". Which, valid! And I don't want to step on that! But, I also stand with my take on it. Yam is a lesbian and is in love with Jim.

I've really taken a swing on my headcanon of Nina's sexuality. I've really changed it so much. On the one hand, it makes sense for Nina not to be straight with the whole "hiding who you are", "discovering who you are", "coming out of your shell", etc. On the other hand, she's probably the straightest of the bunch. I remember a year ago, I liked the concept of her liking girls, simply because I had the idea of "oh her parents are so nosy but what if they think that she has a crush on a boy when she actually has a crush on a girl and they get surprised". But the further I watched, the more I realized "nah she likes boys". For an entire year I had an ace headcanon on her, but now after rewatching?? I don't think she's ace anymore. For starters, the way she just moaned "ROLLER TRACK!!" out loud, how she's always the one cracking dirty jokes and wiggling her eyebrows... I'd make the argument that, of course an ace person can enjoy and feel all that, but Nina... yeah, I feel like... no, she's not ace. Right now I see her as straight but perhaps... biromantic. Simply because I do like some small scenes with her and Luna.

But Luna to me? Will always be pan. And yes, it may be due to her whole color scheme being the pan flag and the pan flag even showing up in the intro everywhere and in the logo... but it's also that I feel like she's just such an... open spirit? Open for anything, you know? Plus, I have seen chemistry with both boys and girls for her. But I know that this headcanon really won't matter, cause in the end, she always will prioritize roller skating and friendship above anything else <3. Some people see her as ace, and I really get that. I've even considered that she's perhaps ace but panromantic. But... just taking myself as an example: I'm bi, but i'm not really... actively seeking romance. It's not that I don't want it, cause I do feel intrigued by it and I really see myself one day being in a relationship, it's just that... well, no one has really caught my interest and I also introverted and have never been someone who puts myself out there. If it happens, it happens. In the meantime, I love hanging out with my friends (who all are introverted and interested in romance, but too awkward to put themselves out there lmao). And when I am getting a crush, which has happened, then I go into a "haha nooo I don't have a crush whaaaat" spiral - similarly to how Luna is. She's literally the last person to know when she has a crush x)

Even if I bascially don't ship any of the canon ships besides like 2 of them, I do love how supportive the friends are of each other. It's so cute to see.

Well now I have been sitting and writing this for 1 and a half hour, it's fucking 3:30 AM!!! I gotta sleep!!

I'll definitely add stuff. In the meantime, how have you enjoyed my rewatch? Was there anything in particular you enjoyed me talking about? I wanna hear your thoughts!

And thanks everyone who has followed me on this liveblogging journey! It's been so fun! We'll see what's next! All I know now is that it's time to work on a new out of context video, as well as hopefully starting on that new AU...

[thetarttfuldickhead]

He hasn’t heard much from his dad in the past year, but two goals for England and the texts start coming again.

---

He blocks his dad’s number, once, twice, another fucking time, but his father keeps getting new numbers or borrowing his mates’ phones or something and the messages keep coming.

He gives up on blocking them. What’s the fucking point?

He tries not to read the texts. He doesn’t always succeed, and he knows what they say anyway.

---

As the second game against City gets nearer the texts get longer and more frequent and nastier. Insistent. Calls too now, at all hours.

For a while, he can ignore it. Things are good. Called up for England, did well, Richmond is playing better than ever, he’s playing better than ever, there’s Roy and Keeley and the team, and Jamie’s feeling good.

But that’s the thing, isn’t it? Life can’t get too good, because when it does his dad will always come sniffing around, mean old stray looking for juiciest pieces of meat to sink his teeth into, always snapping, snapping, growling, biting, and this ain’t the sort of dog you can jut put down, is it?

Only way to keep it at bay is to never have anything it wants.

But fuck that, because Jamie’s worked fucking hard for this, his life, he’s fought for everything he has and he’s not going to let some nasty old sod ruin it for him or take it away.

So he ignores it, texts and calls and everything, and for a while he can.

---

In the end, it’s not even something in particular that gets to him. No escalation, no sudden appearance of James Tartt in the flesh, no broken beer bottles conspiciously dropped outside his door. In the end, it’s just coming back from his early morning session with Roy to another four missed calls and three drunken voice messages, and just like that, he’s done.  

He comes to practice wrapped in barbed wire, donning the old attitude like armour, and if asked he couldn’t even tell you why. Just seems easier, somehow.

---

They all see right through him, and he doesn’t know how to feel about that. Terrified. Stupid. Grateful. Known.

Cared for.

Roy still makes him run an extra ten laps after practice for being an arsehole to everyone instead of telling someone what was going on like you fucking should have, but then he squeezes his shoulder and brings him home to Keeley and makes them dinner while she helps him change his number and make sure everyone who needs to has the new one.

---

“We’ve spoken to City,” Ms. Welton – Rebecca – tells him. “They’ve agreed to ban Mr. Tartt from the premises for our upcoming game.”

The relief is a surprise; the intensity of it. He hadn’t realized until now how much the notion of his father being there had messed with him; his father, watching him, screaming, the sound of his name in that hateful mouth. Only now, when the threat is gone, does he recognize the severity of it.

---

When they news break they’re already on the way to Manchester. Colin is the first to notice and he curses softly and calls for Jamie and tells Isaac and then the whole coach knows.

The Sun: “Star Striker’s Dad Banned from City Game.”

And that’s his dad feigning a look of gentle devastation and it’s all about how Jamie’s money and fame has gone to his head, how he can’t even let his dad watch the game because he’s embarrassed of his humble beginnings, right shame, isn’t it, when people forget where they came from as soon as they make it big? Walked out on City after everything they put into him, didn’t he, and now he’s cutting ties with his family too just ‘cause they’re poor and not educated like, what sort of dickhead does that? “Kid’s turned his back on his roots, thinks he’s too good for us now.”

Manchester City declines to comment, other than to confirm that yes, at the request of AFC Richmond Mr. James Tartt will be prevented from attending the match. Nothing else they can say, really, not without revealing things that aren’t theirs to reveal.

The coach goes quiet, the way the dressing room had done at Wembley last year. Then they rally, anger and encouragements and just ignore it, man and it feels good and it makes him want to hide. He has no fucking idea what to say to them, except yeah, no, it’s some bullshit, yeah.

Ted and Beard huddle together, whispering furiously. Roy’s typing away at his phone, looking especially like he wants to murder someone. 

Sam, next to him, doesn’t say anything at all at first, just gives him a small nod. A few minutes later he offers, “My dad says to tell you good luck with the game, you’ll do great.”

And he should feel pathetic for finding comfort in that, maybe, but he doesn’t, much.

The game starts in a few hours. Long enough for everyone to have seen it by then, not long enough to put together a coherent response.

---

The boos and angry noise of the crowd is a furious buzzing in his ears and he squares his shoulders and eyes on the ball and the match is what fucking matters, everything else is just poopy, stupid fucking shit, doesn’t matter—

He plays like he means to outplay the devil himself. Plays like it would have been easy, had old Nick cared to show up.

The booing never stops, not even when Pep makes a point of coming over to him for a quick cuddle and few encouraging words after the final whistle.            

---

And they’re back in the dressing room after and the press is clamouring for a conference just a few doors down and Keeley’s driven all the way up from London and they’re all talking strategies and damage control and spinning the narrative and it’s doing his head in. All of them blabbering on and on and on and—

“Can we just tell them the fucking truth?”

That shuts them up. They all stare at him. Higgins is the first to speak. “Do you – do you want to do that?”

No, he doesn’t say. Of course I don’t wanna fucking do that. 

But the thing is, everyone that matters already knows, don’t they? So what’s the difference, really, with telling the whole fucking world?

It’s a huge fucking difference, something in him whispers.

He closes his eyes for a moment. Opens them again. All right. “Just think it’s the best thing to do, yeah?”

And there’s murmurs of agreement and Keeley’s looking at him like maybe she wants to cry and he can’t look at her looking like that so he looks away.

Roy catches his eyes. “You want me there with you?”

And yeah, he does want that and he’s too exhausted to pretend otherwise. “Yeah,” he says. “Thanks.”

---

“Are you ashamed of your father, Jamie?”

A moment, then, when it’s still not too late. He can still change his mind. He can still lie. No one has to know: he can still be the untouchable Jamie Tartt, confident and arrogant and never ever a victim.  

Fuck that.

“Yeah. I am.”

---

There’s no avoiding the snippets afterwards because they are fucking everywhere but he never watches the whole thing and so he’s not entirely clear on what he really says. Bits and pieces stay with him, though:  

“If I’d told ‘em here at City, my coaches and stuff, they’d have helped. I know they would have. But I was too fucking ashamed, yeah, so I never told anyone and I went off to do this stupid reality show instead and I did a whole bunch of stupid shit just ‘cause I was scared about people finding out about me and my dad. Never wanted anyone to know any of that shit.”

And:

“And I know, right, that there are people who’ll say I shouldn’t be in football if I can’t take a hit, like what the fuck am I gonna do when I’m tackled on the pitch and stuff. But that’s different, yeah? I fucking signed up for that. Didn’t sign up for my dad being a huge fucking dickhead, did I?”

And:

“I’m done being ashamed.”

---

There’s Roy too, near the end, and something about making it seem like aggression and violence is a normal thing and how that is part of the problem and how he’s going to do better from now on, and Jamie wants to tell him that, no, Roy has never been the problem, Jamie ain’t ever been scared of him, that’s really not it at all, but Roy does have a point too, doesn’t he, so Jamie keeps quiet.

---

“Was it all right?” he asks, afterwards, when the door’s closed to the press room and it’s just him and Roy and Keeley in the corridor.

“It was great,” Keeley tells him, stepping close to wrap her arms around him. “It was perfect.” Leaning back a little, she runs a hand over his cheek, “I’m really proud of you, Jamie.”

“Yeah, me too,” Roy says and his hug is just half a thing, one arm wrapped around Jamie’s shoulders and pulling him close, but it’s enough to relax into, to rest in.

Keeley’s looking at both of them like they hung the fucking stars.

“How about dinner?” she asks. “Don’t wanna drive all the way back tonight, think I’ll just get a hotel.”

“Yeah, I’m fucking starving,” Roy says.

And okay. He can’t be disappointed about that. Of course they’d want some time together. “Yeah, okay, yeah. Should be heading for the coach anyway. You have fun, yeah?”

The look they exchange is dismayed.

“No,” Roy says, sounding like he’s trying very hard not to sound angry. “You’re coming to dinner with us. Keeley will drive us back in the morning.”

“Unless you’d rather go back now with the rest of the team,” Keeley quickly adds, shooting Roy a pointed glare.

And oh. Okay. “No, yeah, dinner sounds good.”

---

They make him go say goodbye to the lads first, let them know you’re all right, and it’s still with him when they head out into the Manchester night, Colin’s arms around him and Sam’s quiet smile and Dani’s hands on his shoulders and Isaac’s muttered you’re gonna be okay, bruv.

He carries all of it with him, and it makes him feel light.

---

Coda:

“So, Roy,” Ted asks, leaning back into his office chair. ”Got any big plans for the break?”

“Keeley and I are trying for Marbella again. Only two weeks, she can’t be away from the firm any longer. Jamie’s joining us after he’s done with that football camp thing for disadvantaged kids.”

[acesnancy]

I ❤️ Addy!!!

[qocsuing]

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[estrellas-amore]

day 5

workout details:

treadmill

•12-3-30

•burned 250 cals!!

weightlifting

•lateral raises (10lbs - 3x10)

•chest press (20 lbs - 3x10)

• hip adductors (50 lbs - 3 x15) gotta tone these thighs man

food:

breakfast -

• coffee w splash of almond milk

pre workout snack (1pm) -

• banana

post workout/lunch (4:45)

• 1 c. watermelon

• 1/2 sourdough English muffin

• 1/4 avocado

• tofu cutlet (24 g)

calories of the day: 386

[imminent-danger-came]

s4 Special Bingo Card. For Fun!

Bingo card made in collaboration (discord DM screaming) with @mysticjrs! This was made blind based off of our predictions for the special.

I think some of these sound kinda vague so I'll explain a few under a readmore!

Eldritch Abomination MK is MK being something fucked up pre-hatching from the stone.

Cracks Worsen is the cracks in Sun Wukong's scroll piece worsening for whatever reason, or the universe cracks that appeared at the end of 4x10 worsening

Underworld Party is a group of people (not whoever is going into Wukong's scroll piece) going to the underworld for some plot related reason

4x01 Scroll piece is this guy with this thing:

Trigram Furnace Prl. is a scene paralleling the Trigram Furnace scene from the Revenge of the Spider Queen special

Samadhi Fire Part 3 is a 3rd scene paralleling 3x10 to complete a trifecta of 3x10, 4x08, and [blank] episode from the special

MK Reflection (motif) is MK having a reflection of some sort during the special, because the writers love to fucking torture me