#presented without further commentary lol

[olessan]

live druid reaction

[otanatchan]

Excerpt from Alkaloid/Crazy:B RadiSta Episode 3 (Azakami Yohei, Kaito Tasuku, Kasama Jun, Yamaguchi Tomohiro)

“Balls”

After talking about what clubs they did in high school, Crazy:B expanded upon and refined their ideal bonding vacation plan.

☆ RadiSta clip masterpost ☆

[blacktobackmesa]

how does chronicles of benry tie into gordon streamman, if at all? is it like a joke stream benry does randomly for april fools day or is it actual lore?

It's got lore, but it all hinges on which Chronicles you're talking about: Holly Edition or Scorpy Edition. If you've seen them, you know that they have VERY different tones.

Spoilers for both streams and for existing Streamman works below. Prepare for rambling.

Events from Holly's version have been referenced obliquely in Don't Spell Memory Without Me, and will be discussed further in future stories. Memory establishes that Benrey does not have any pre-game history aside from what others "remember" about him, and being the only one with no past upsets him. At the end of the story, Benrey sets off with Tommy to talk about inventing a backstory, "mentioning something about a dairy farm." Since the Hollowtones Chronicles of Benry stream is established to be a story/movie being told by Holly from Benrey's point of view, I've interpreted the ideas present in it as Benrey's fantasies, or the backstory that he's created for himself. Heck, maybe he's even gone into gmod at some point and fully acted the whole thing. You can play dolls sometimes buddy it's all good

That leads into Scorpy's take on Chronicles, which is rather more... abstract. For the record, I adored watching this stream in real time. Surreal horror that makes you unsure if you should laugh and defies you to find meaning is my jam. That being said, I don't think this stream works as something literal that could just occur in a Streamman story. If I wanted to interpret it as a literal experience Benrey has, it makes a fascinating character study. Perhaps some sort of dream journey or Silent Hill style physical/psychological journey of self-reflection, perhaps due to data fuckery. Maybe even between the game being shut off and being brought into the new program.

However, I'm not currently interested in interpreting it like that. I think the stream is far more interesting when read as a meta-commentary on trying to catch lightning in a bottle for the second time. HLVRAI was such a smash hit, and people are still hounding RTVS for a sequel or a return for the characters. As a creator, that's difficult to handle. The pressure of living up to your own success, of being able to give the people what they want. What if it's not what you want? You might still love your breakout hit deeply, and love the attention it gives you, but will you always be able to feel that way? What are you sacrificing to chase the feeling it gives you? Are you making this sequel because it has worth on its own, or because you want to feel that way again? You can never feel exactly that way again, whether you're the creator or the fan. "How do you know when it's time to let go?"

That's my reading, at least. Yes I took lecture notes during the original screening. I have the heart of an academic, but the constitution of... not an academic.

Anyway, I do think some elements of the stream can worm their way into Streamman, both literal and nonliteral. The theme of recapturing something impossible cuts me very deep, so I like to reuse it, but I also think I can use some of the locations and surreal imagery within the Streamman setting. I haven't brought it up before, but Benrey's house in the home program is a lawless land. He likes to experiment with programming and create his own little domain, the place is much bigger on the inside. One day Gordon could go over to return something that Benrey left at Tommy's and walk inside to find a gmod map full of crucified amonguses.

...man I really dedicated one paragraph to the stream that I'm actually using and then a fuckin' essay to the one I'm not lol

[paradoxesofgalaxies]

Therapy recap

Today was our first Thursday session. We're going to be having sessions twice a week going forward because we wanted the added support.

We started the session by showing C the painting we did of the Beans and Id. We were able to point out some of the different Beans and talk about them which was cool. The Beans were very happy to get to show their picture to C.

When asked who was here this session I said I was the same Rowen as last time but I was unsure. When asked to talk more about that I realized that it was because I'd been made aware of some amnesia right before session (I'd suggested that husband make a stop on his way to work to take care of something he'd been talking about needing to do and he told me that not only had he already done it, but he'd told me about it...twice). I talked about how finding out I had amnesia when I hadn't realized I was missing something is really disorienting and makes it harder to trust myself.

C asked about what tends to cause amnesia between parts. I said that sometimes it's just that parts are too far apart and memory doesn't transfer and other times it's because we're really stressed and other times (like now) it's tied to the time of year/traumaversaries. He asked about parts that too far apart and I described it like star clusters. The stars closest together can send info back and forth easily but the further the stars are the more degradation of information as it's transmitted with the furthest apart stars being unable to communicate.

I talked about a part who comes out to help external people in distress and talked about some advice they gave K yesterday. C commented on how compassionate and solid their advice was. I told her how when husband is present for this part giving advice he gives them this look like "exactly! Now apply it to yourselves" to which they usually exasperatedly tell him that just bc they know this doesn't mean the rest of us do lol. I explained to C that this part(s?) has a really solid understanding of therapy skills but as an ANP they struggle to stay present in times of distress and aren't able to put these skills into use. We talked about the divide between our logical/non-emotional parts and our emotional parts. I described it as trying to push matching magnet poles together, they just repel without being able to get too close. Like, it's not that the ANPs don't *want* to be near the emotional parts but that they get pushed backwards, unable to get close.

I talked about a situation the other night when attachment stuff got triggered and we locked up and couldn't speak. And then when one of the Beans was about to start crying an angry part stepped in to stop them. C asked about not being able to talk and I explained that we have parts who will step in when we've "messed up" and stop us from speaking by drowning out our thoughts with a running commentary of why we shouldn't speak as we get locked into place. C helped us brainstorm ideas for facilitating communication in those moments. We're gonna work on making a sheet with different things parts might need in those moments with pictures they can point to to communicate.

[bi-omega-disaster]

Dynamic Insecurities HCs: Betas

Every dynamic has insecurities given to them via societal expectations. Some are shared insecurities while others are dynamic-specific- (you know, all that good stuff). 

And Betas? Betas are the most insecure dynamic, and, yes, I will die on this hill because I’m right. 

Let me explain:

“It’s boring to be a Beta.”

I’ve actually heard this time and again; people think it’s boring to be a Beta. There are so many ‘verses where Betas are “the normal ones.” And, okay- it’s a little funny to think about Betas looking into a metaphorical camera like they’re on The Office every time there’s Alpha and Omega shenanigans, but, on the other hand, it leads to Betas getting ignored in favor for the “more fun” dynamics. I know some ‘verses where Betas don’t exist at all because the author doesn’t see the point of them being there. Which is fair; no hate on that- it’s their ‘verse and they can do what they want. 

From my understanding, Betas were created to balance out Alphas and Omegas- dynamics who are on two opposite extremes. Thus, Betas became the neutral option. The calm, rational, logical, not-horny ones. They have little to no scent, and the scent they do have isn’t very strong nor does it stand out. They don’t have strong instinctual urges. They just kind of...exist. So, naturally, they’re not as fun to write about as Alphas or Omegas.

Now, I, personally, don’t have Betas as the “normal ones;” I scrolled around on Tumblr, found HCs I liked, and also came up with my own, but that’s for another post. Still, I include a lot of stereotypes in my ‘verse for the  ✨angst,✨ and social commentary ofc, but mainly the angst and hurt/comfort.

So, without further ado, here are my headcanons for Beta insecurities. (Under the cut, because this ended up being longer than intended lol).

No one wants to be a Beta, and kids are exposed to this at a young age.

In my ‘verse, you don’t present until you start going through puberty, and those that present the earliest are Omegas, followed by Betas and, lastly, Alphas. Of course, there are many cases of early/late presentations for every dynamic, so there’s always hope that you’ll get the dynamic you want.

Now, imagine you’re a child growing up in the omegaverse. As a child, you emulate those around you, because that’s how you learn both about the world and about who you are/want to be. And the world around you? It loves Alphas and Omegas. Oh, boy, does it love Alphas and Omegas. Playing pack with your friends? There’s always a fight on who gets to be the pack leader- aka the Alpha- while others want to be Omegas. The rare few that say, “I want to be the/a beta!” are given the judgmental, scornful looks that kids can notoriously pull off and are asked, “Why would you want to be a Beta? They’re boring.” 

You grow up learning that Alphas are the strong, protective ones that get everything. They get to be the leaders of companies, bosses, and local heroes. If there’s any kind of hierarchy, the Alpha is going to be the leader. You’re the best at soccer or any sport in your team? Sucks for you, because, at best, you’re the co-captain. Even as the times change and Omegas get more rights and fight for leadership roles, there’s no competition for you. You’re expected to step out of the way but be at the ready should anyone deign to need you for something. Meanwhile, Omegas are the ones everyone wants, either as a mate or as a friend. Omegas are comforters, supporters, and, really, are in charge of the innerworkings of a lot of different types of groups. They’re the backbones that society would be lost without?

And Betas? Betas are just kind of there. 

I can see a lot of kids growing up and crossing their fingers not to present as Betas. I bet there are families out there who are super disappointed when their kids present and don’t mask it super well via facial expression and/or scent. I can see a host of middle/high school kids watching newly-presented Alphas and Omegas buzzing around and ignoring the Betas in favor for each other. And they hear over and over again how no one wants to be a Beta. 

Being the “Extra One”

Betas are the ones that are often ignored unless they’re needed for something. Many times, they make really close friends with other dynamics only for those friends to fall for someone and vanish until they need relationship advice or something. This, naturally, leads to big friendship insecurity. I can see so many Betas having social anxiety and the feeling that they need to prove their worth to others. Also, many have a belief that no one will choose them first, so they’ll either do so much to try to prove that they’re worthy of being chosen first or will just resign themselves to it. 

Settling for a Beta

It’s a long-held stereotype that Alphas want Omegas, Omegas want Alphas, and Betas want other Betas. It’s problematic for many reasons- attraction isn’t as simple as that. There are many Alphas that are only attracted to other Alphas, Omegas to other Omegas, Alphas attracted to other Alphas and Betas but not Omegas, so on and so forth. Still, due to the stereotypes, what they’re exposed to growing up, and the failure of sex-ed, there’s just this belief that the attraction is very binary. 

Any time an Omega or Alpha court/mate a Beta, they’re seen as “settling” or “occupying themselves until they find an Alpha/Omega.” This actually leads to many Betas not believing it when an Alpha and/or Omega expresses attraction to them, which in turn makes it difficult to court a Beta because said Beta may not pick up what’s being thrown down. Also, no one knows how to court a Beta? You’re taught how to traditionally court Alphas and Omegas, but there are little to no guidelines on how to court Betas. (I might make a separate post on this that’s cute and fluffy). 

The Mediator

In a pack, Betas are traditionally the Mediator. They exist to solve issues between hormone-addled Alphas and Omegas. Not only is this draining, but, if you’ve ever been the therapist friend, you know that being the mediator leads to an insecurity that no one cares about your problems or feelings and like you’re just being used to be a soundboard. 

In sum, Betas grow up believing they’re unwanted extras that nobody wants to be or wants around, are always going to be second/third-best no matter what dynamic is at the head, and are only good if they can service whatever an Alpha or Omega wants.

(Naturally, not every Beta will feel this way, and stereotypes aren’t reality, but they do affect perspective, in my opinion).

[thewriting-corner]

Meet The Writer

Helloooo to everyone! It’s been a year and a half since I last did a Meet The Writer post and there are SO many more people here now than there were in October 2021. Plus, lots of new projects have started since then so without further a do, I present to you the most chaotic and emotionally unstable member of the writing community!

(jk)

First of all, my name is Lu and I am soon-to-be 20 years old (so old). I was born and raised in a small country in Central America (whoever guesses the flag in my bio right wins a high five. unless you know me, in which case stop cheating), but now live in Germany because of university. (And if anyone is wondering how much this has changed my personality, I would like it to be known that I become annoyed and confused at people who are visibly happy on the street, and occasionally go on rants about the high price of döner.)

I’m Catholic, and while I’m not super open about my faith, I do generally like talking about it when prompted. I’m a sucker for history and unnecessarily analyzing media, and you can tell I’m on an emotional high point when I start ranting about shows, books and movies on my stories. If I can go through any type of media without commentary it means I’m either sad or it sucks lol. I LOVE reading and writing contemporary romance, though my true love will forever be science fiction🫶🏼 something that I 100% blame on my dad for showing me Jurassic Park when I was only 4 years old. And if we go even deeper into blame, my love for writing sci-fi romance is a product of my dad’s favorite movie genre being sci-fi/action, and my mom’s being sappy romances about self discovery.

My favorite music genres include Taylor Swift (she’s a genre okay), The Score (also a genre) and country music. Books that changed my life or inspired me in any way: The Yellow Note by MJ Padgett, A Cuban Girl’s Guide To Tea And Tomorrow by Laura Taylor Namey, Once Upon A Broken Heart by Stephanie Garber, Of Liars And Thieves by Gabriela Lavarello, Better Than The Movies by Lynn Painter and Cinder by Marissa Meyer. However, the book that got me into writing for the very first time was The Lightning Thief by Rick Riordan. My favorite movie of all time is Tangled, because.. idk just because. I like Disney princess movies.

Aside from being a writer, I’m also the proud owner of four dogs and two cats, all of which you will eventually see on my stories because I miss them so much. And as of very recently, I’m also the Panels & Workshops Manager at The Authors of Tomorrow :) Also, someone asked me what my dream job is, but honestly it’s to be a hot trophy wife/stay at home mom/author (because I don’t want my writing to ever feel like it’s either sell a book or starve). But seeing as how I do not know how to talk to real guys, my second dream is working in Marketing at a publishing house. I suck at promoting my own books, but, not to brag, but I got around 10 people to read Marissa Meyer’s Renegades series just by talking it up 6 years after it published hehe.

And if I have not yet bored you, it’s time for my WIPs: yay! I’m currently querying a superhero sci-fi novel called The Wrath of Chaos and it’s going even worse than my apartment hunt. Then there’s my contemporary novel The Sun Leads Back To You, which I am self publishing on April 14 (you can preorder the ebook on the link in my bio if you want). After the buzz of TSLBTY is over, I plan to start on a brand new time travel novel about a girl destined to destroy time trying to travel back to 1920s London :) gosh I love writing

[fratboykate]

I get what that anon is saying, it does hurt at first. But eventually you’ll come to not rely on any actor to make you feel for your ship, cl or otherwise. It’s unfortunate but true, most actors playing wlw are gonna disappoint you but you can’t let that get in the way of the ship and characters. Separate the fuck out of them as hard as it may be. But you are valid in feeling what you’re feeling.

.

[writefightandflightclub]

In your arms (Frankie Morales x masc!GN!reader)

Summary: Frankie tends to self-sabotage, so, when he is drawn to you at a party, he’s convinced it’s over before it’s begun. Will he keep his distance, or is there a chance he could end up in your (rather appealing) arms after all?  

Genre / tropes: getting together fic. falling fast for one another, light-hearted, mild angst then fluff, Frankie’s POV.

Word count: 7.8k, somehow.

Author’s note: This made me H A P P Y. I wanted something which affirmed a masc!presenting (non-cis!) reader. The other day I was having my own gender feels and some wonderful people responded in an affirming way. This fic would not exist without them, the wonderful creations they responded with (which very much inspired this), or their support. So, thank you to @justrunamok​@phoenixhalliwell @witchyavenger​ @zoriis​ @meri47​ (and a lovely Anon!) <3

As for the fic itself, it’s not my best or anything, but I hope you enjoy it! It’s meaningful for me, as it’s a personal exploration in one sense, and a celebration / love letter to masc! readers (with a range of gender identities) in another sense: I see you and you are valid! Hi! :D Also, they’re a pretty adorable pair to be honest. I’m a little bit in love <3

(Also, yes, millions of caveats apply. This is one specific version of masculinity out of infinite possibilities. I made some choices about what masc means to reader, so not everyone may be able to relate! Also, I did specifiy some reader attributes- see below for deets- so sorry if this is less inclusive than my GN fics.)

Finally, let’s just not even question how Frankie has such good long-range eyesight, okay? Okay.

Reader’s gender: this is Frankie x masc! presenting “gender neutral” reader. This covers SO MANY potential identities, so won’t be a perfect fit for everyone. As a guide: masc!AFAB! reader; masc!NB reader; masc!GNC reader, trans!masc! reader. Maybe masc!AMAB reader, or androgynous!reader - I tried to keep it fairly neutral, but did want some nods to reader presenting outside of their gender assigned at birth. 

Pronouns + terminology: they / them. Range of gendered descriptors used (pretty / handsome, some commentary that you have both “masc” / “fem” attributes but fairly non-specific).

Physical attributes specified: reader has somewhat muscular arms (interpret that how you will), and crow’s feet, lol. Also “soft” voice described. Very subtle mention of reader having some “undulating” / “soft” contours (could be read as feminine-coded). One allusion to reader having altered their body, but non-specific + open to broad interpretation.

Warnings: see notes on gender / pronouns / reader attributes above. Also: frequent alcohol mentions / consumption (no drunkeness, feasibly could be non-alcoholic); drug references (canon-aligned mentions of past coke use, brief); making-out and a few subtle allusions to erections (Frankie). One very brief reference to an ex boyfriend- not explicit but can be inferred they caused reader some sadness about their appearance. Swearing. Divorced!reader (one mention). Single dad!Frankie (brief mention). TYPOS???!!

Rating: (M) 18+ for very light, non-explicit steam.

Now, without further ado, here’s the fucking story :P

Frankie is mesmerised by you.

By every aspect of you. It seems like the more he finds out about you, the more he likes.

He can’t help but steal furtive glances at you from the other side of the younger Miller brother’s yard. By now, the bustle and large-scale camaraderie of the daytime BBQ has given way to smaller huddles of deeper, more involved conversation as dusk falls like a blanket - only the stragglers remaining.

And, there you sit, conversing with Benny in the soft firelight, and stealing Frankie’s heart piece by piece without even knowing it.

He can’t look away.

In fact, it is all he can do to shelter himself behind his tugged down baseball cap and the palm of his hand -neatly folded across his chin- as his brown eyes find you again and again. It is as though you have your own gravity.

Holy shit. Your arms are a fucking dream.

Now there’s a sentence Frankie’s not sure he’s ever thought before in his life - and he’s had plenty of years for it to occur to him. You know, since he’s... older than he used to be.

He doesn’t know if he’s ever been so enthralled by a person’s arms before but, fuck, yours are certainly doing something for him.

Frankie finds himself enraptured by the way your bicep curls subtly every time you lift the beer to your plush lips for a swig. The way your shoulders fill out your navy tee, the cut of it emphasising the subtly cultivated broadness of your shoulders and upper back as you lean forward in your camp chair, feet spread wide apart, and elbows resting atop your robust thighs as you cradle your drink

Your body language is innately familiar to him. It’s not unlike his army buddies - he could swear you sit like Pope does- and yet, their way of being could never. Only on you could these simple gestures and mannerisms generate the steadily building throb between his legs.

Your movements make you look tough and purposeful, and yet the way this hardness contrasts with the softness and subtle swell of other areas of your body is not lost on Frankie. Your shirt and your jeans tug tight over other, more undulating contours of your figure too, more subtly framed but no less appealing to him.

You look at once delicate and rugged. Soft and hard. Quiet but steely. And it confounds him. And it pulls him in.

These glances were at first unconscious, his eyes finding you in his casual surveyance of the scene; but now? Now, they are nothing short of deliberate. Now, he can barely look away, his eyes continually seeking you out, his “glances” growing in duration with each peek from beneath the rim of his cap.

Look, don’t get him wrong.

It’s not only your appearance which has him quietly enthralled, as he sips his beer by the grill, acting as a self-appointed sentinel so that no drunk partygoers fall into the still cooling coals (AKA, Frankie will take even the thinnest excuse he can find to be a wallflower, goddammit). No, it is not only how you look -pleasing as that is- which causes him to steal surreptitious glances over at you where he can get them. 

It is all of you.

At least, everything he knows so far. And everything he wants to.

You’ve mingled a little during the party, of course, at which points Frankie has witnessed your unobtrusive confidence and assured amiability, as you’ve dipped in to engage with the wider throng. He’s witnessed your kindness and your humour, as mostly, you’ve been anchored to Benny’s side, taking care of him and keeping him laughing like a hyena all day. The youngest Miller -your old friend and poor bastard- is pinned to his camp chair, nursing injuries and aches from his most recent pummelling at fight night. Indeed, you are his self-appointed guardian. That, or you hate parties just as much as Frankie and you’ve chosen to be a wallflower too.

You’re not doing such a good job of blending into the background, however, as you’ve certainly caught Frankie’s attention - even if you did little to actively invite his ardent focus. Other people at the party have objectively been more attention-grabbing, in their respective ways, whether through dressing to the nines to draw appreciative stares, undertaking boisterous antics to be declared the “life and soul” of the party (or Pope just being himself). But you? You’re just... being. Just being you, and yet you effortlessly draw Frankie’s gaze all the same.

Christ, am I being creepy? he wonders suddenly, as you chat away. Oblivious to his existence and his admiring stares.

He hasn’t been looking for that long; honestly. But he does wonder exactly how long he can use the excuse that you’re conveniently in his eyeline before he has to admonish himself for very bad behaviour. After all, if his attentions were unwelcome, he would hate to make you uncomfortable.

Frankie’s eyes sweep cautiously over you though, as you stand and bend, lifting a fresh beer from out of the cooler, jeans tight on your hips - god those hips- and, with a flare of heat blazing a trail to the junction of his thighs, he finally tears his eyes away. That’s the final straw. He may be drawn to you but he’s not without limits. He aims to look respectfully only. 

His eyes wander back though, when he feels it’s safe enough to do so, his gaze focussing on neutral areas (then again, he thought he was safe with arms but, holy shit, he was not okay).

He pays a little more attention to your outfit this time. You are dressed practically, with combat boots and simple jeans and tee. Frankie hasn’t given much thought to how he prefers a potential partner to dress -it’s all the same to him provided the person is comfortable, and it’s what’s on the inside that counts anyway (and sometimes what’s underneath, wink wink) - but he finds that he actively appreciates your style. It’s a loose riff on something he would wear himself- even if he has opted for one of his more flamboyant, bird-adorned shirts for this special occasion. (Maybe he wouldn’t be averse to a little attention himself, truth be told; even if he would be loath to admit it - and maybe, even if he wouldn’t necessarily know what to do with it if he got it.)

It’s not as though your clothing is especially masculine in and of itself- clothing can mean different things on different people, in different contexts- but on you this simple outfit has an... intentionality to it, like you selected this look to match your... masculine energy.

Until this moment, Frankie hadn’t given much thought at all to what a “masculine energy” might look like, or all the variations and nuances and possibilities of it; but to him, in this moment, you certainly embody exactly that. You seem in control and confident and relaxed and Frankie likes that about you. He likes it a hell of a lot.

It was this comfort in yourself that first drew him to you, he realises. The easy way you carried yourself through the crowd. And, although he knows this assured nature does not exist for his consumption or benefit, he can’t help but feel like you would be a comfort to him too, if only you would wrap him in your embrace.

Maybe wrap me in those strong arms of yours.

Fuck.

Yes, Frankie started looking because of your energy; this quiet charisma and unassuming strength which radiates off of you, even as you appear entirely unaware of it. And he can’t stop looking for every other reason. Indeed, mere hours after you rocked-up with zero fanfare, Frankie is in some deep shit. He has talked himself a goner before he’s even ever talked to you.

Of course, he couldn’t possibly pluck up the courage to do that.

You’re likely the most attractive person he’s ever seen, and, even if you’re single, and even if you’re into men (one can’t assume), and even if you’re into dating, and even if the stars align and you’re into him -and a million other “ifs”- there’s no way he could take a chance.

In Frankie’s head, it’s over before it’s begun. He’s fucked it up before it has even happened. And because of that, he resigns himself to the fact that it never will. So, here he is. Resident wallflower, staring dreamily at you from a distance, where he feels he belongs.

So, with a long, sad exhale of breath, Frankie briefly tilts his head to the side as another figure joins him, plopping themself into the camp chair to his right. He doesn’t need to look all the way around to know that figure is Pope, even before the man has spoken.

“Getting too old for this shit, man,” he grumbles. “Need to take the weight off my fucking knees.”

Frankie merely grunts dolefully in response, as Santi pops another beer open with a clink of the bottle cap. He vaguely registers a frothing noise to his side as the beverage erupts, half-spilling over Santi’s person. “Fuck, be right back.”

Frankie grunts again, still not looking over at his friend, who presumably has gone to fetch something to mop the mess up.

Meanwhile, there you are, across the way. The dancing firelight licking your features and contours like a tender lover, and causing Frankie’s eyes to pool with longing.

Before he can feel too down on himself, though, you laugh uproariously at one of Benny’s jokes, the sound at one with the dancing flames - warm and diverting. Frankie thinks your laugh must be the most beautiful sound he’s heard. It’s infectious, in fact, causing Frankie’s eyes to gently crease at the corners in turn, as the sound washes over him across this distance.

For all your hard edges -of which you do have some, it appears- your voice is rich and soft and your eyes kind; although your gaze soon gives way to a spark of mischief, and your laugh merges into a dirty chuckle as Benny tosses another crude joke into the space between you. You bring your arm up to your mouth to save you from spitting out your swig of beer and, fuck, the brown leather of the watch strap at your wrist has him thinking about your arms again, for a moment. 

He loves the way your face crinkles as you chat with Benny. Gentle crow’s feet -which he got a closer look at earlier- radiating out from the side of your eyes, and your head tipping back in mirth as you add some well-timed riposte which has Benny howling. Finally, it’s all too much for the fighter, and he holds a bandaged hand up in surrender, your assault of humour apparently making his busted ribs ache too hard for him to stand it any longer.

Watching the two of you, Frankie expels a small, vicarious chuckle of his own.

“You might want to pick your jaw up off the floor, hermano,” Pope says softly, experimentally, as he slips back into the camp chair by his buddy and follows his line of sight, making some deductions.

Frankie clears his throat, voice tightly strung when he speaks. “Whatever do you mean, Santiago?” he asks, the question muffled behind a defensive hand drawn up over his mouth.

Shit.

Frankie looks at Pope now, alright, fixing his own expression as though butter-wouldn’t-melt. Pope simply nods his head towards where you and Benny are sat; hitting the nail on the head with a single beat.

“I wouldn’t have pegged them as your type,” Pope says with good-natured intrigue.

Frankie opens his mouth to protest, but Pope’s heavy-lidded brown eyes are blazing; almost daring Frankie to voraciously counter either of his statements, and in doing so, proving the motherfucker’s point. So, instead, Frankie foregoes his protest, which causes Santi’s eyes to glow with a less than subtle pride.

He knows he’s right now anyway - the smug fuck.

“Sophia didn’t work out for you?” Pope adds casually.

Frankie grunts. Sophia. The woman Pope was determined to fix him up with tonight.

“It’s going fine,” Frankie insists nonchalantly, taking a massive swig of his beer.

Pope huffs out air in indignant amusement. “Oh yeah?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“She left an hour ago, Cat.”

“Shit,” Frankie curses, though his disappointment is transparently due to being found out, rather than the lack of her presence. “Didn’t notice.”

Sophia was perfectly fine. Perfectly pretty. Perfectly nice. Perfectly interesting. Perfectly into Frankie, by all accounts (if Santi’s opinion was to be trusted).

Sophia was probably everything Frankie thought he was looking for in a... Well, in a person, he guesses, updating and reconfiguring the terminology in his internal monologue.

But, it turns out, Frankie didn’t know himself all that well at all before he set his eyes on you today.

You’re not quite like anyone else here. Not like anyone else he’s met. You’re just effortlessly you, and Frankie admires that. It’s not any one thing about you that he can put his finger on. It’s all of you. Everything together. It suits you. More than that; it becomes you.

“Why don’t you go talk to them?” Pope asks, leaning forward in his chair and smacking Frankie on the thigh encouragingly.

“They’re thick as thieves over there. How would I even -?”

Frankie has barely gotten his full question out, but as soon as he even vaguely implies his desire Pope is all action.

Of course. As per usual.

“Hey, pendejos! Can we join you?” he announces loudly, already striding across the yard, and Frankie forced to follow as he is practically dragged by his shirt, a firm hand scrunched in his back and guiding him forward.

“What did we say about self-sabotaging, hermano?” Pope whispers as an aside as he clocks his buddy’s panicked expression and irate mumblings, but Frankie is already submitting to his fate. He has to figure it’s less humiliating to walk over willingly than to be dragged over kicking and screaming, right?

“To... not?” Frankie responds, causing Pope to grin and slap him on the back encouragingly.

Frankie laboriously attempts to paint a smile on to his face, quickly taking his hat off and ruffling his flattened hair for good measure.

Christ, I hope they like the shirt.

“Sure, pull up a chair,” you smile, batting your eyes a little at Santi as you introduce yourself, extending a polite hand to be shaken in your firm grip. Frankie tenses up as he imagines a spark flash between the two of you.

Please no. Don’t steal them, hijo de puta. 

“I’m Pope,” he grins in return, in his effortlessly charming manner.

The bastard.

After a prolonged silence, in which Frankie realises he was meant to speak only after all eyes have converged on him expectantly, Pope fills in the gaps on his behalf. “This upstanding gentleman is Frankie,” he announces, reaching behind him and patting his chest with the back of his hand. Then, he drags a couple of stray camp chairs over to form a closer circle, generously leaving the one closest to you vacant. 

Frankie throws a helpless, sidelong glance at Pope, and his buddy’s eyes needle the seat emphatically, silently prompting the pilot to sit the fuck down - instead of standing around like a total clown.

“I’m a pilot,” Frankie pushes out, before groaning inaudibly and wishing he hadn’t said anything at all.  

Good one, Francisco. Why don’t you rattle through your entire resume? Quickly now.

“Yeah. Or he was, until the coke rap,” Benny announces - free from malice, just stating facts- but certainly not doing him any favours.

Frankie feels a stone sink through his chest.

“Thanks for that, Benjamin,” he says through his teeth, his warm brown eyes becoming momentarily cold. 

“It was bogus. I get my license back next month,” Frankie says emphatically, and he doesn’t have time to think twice about the fact that his explanation is directed entirely at you, at if it is owed.

“Okay... Frankie?” you nod, your gorgeous lips curling with a quirk of good-natured amusement, and bending around his name as you experiment with the feel of it in your mouth - matching it to the person you see before you. “That’s great.” You nod encouragingly, earnestly, your gaze unwavering and steady, your eyes meeting his. You almost cause Frankie to shrink back from your beauty. This is the first time he has experienced the full force of you, focussed solely on him. You meet his eyes with confidence and a curiosity that he in equal parts welcomes and fears.

Okay. Mainly fears.

He can’t do this. What was he thinking?!

His throat starts to feel like it’s closing up. He feels a cold sweat developing.

Especially when Benny chimes in again.

“‘Fish, I haven’t seen you all day, brother. How’s the custody stuff going with Luci? Are you getting your Sundays back?”

“Jesus Christ, Ben,” Santi chides as Frankie’s face instantly falls, his gaze dropping to the ground, allowing the rim of his hat to obscure his face. 

It’s not Benny’s fault. He says whatever comes to mind from one second to the next and Frankie knows this. He doesn’t mean anything by it. The man simply doesn’t know how keen Frankie is to make a good impression with you. He doesn’t know how raw Frankie is still feeling underneath, after things ended with his girl’s mother, and all the shit that went down with his job. With Tom. There’s no malice in it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t sting.

So, even as Pope kindly and hurriedly shifts the focus back to Benny and his numerous badges of honour from his latest bout, the damage is already done.

In Frankie’s head it’s over before it’s even begun.

You are out of reach.

You’re a sun too bright for a wallflower like him.

“Would you excuse me?” Frankie says gruffly, despondently stuffing his hands in his pockets and beginning to retreat towards the relative shelter of the house. “It was nice to meet you,” he says to you, apologetically, his eyes honest and soft, and you hurriedly nod and smile in polite agreement.

It is all you can do before he turns.

For what it’s worth, Pope jumps up after him, grabbing his sleeve and pulling him to one side for a minute - even if it is less than subtle. “You okay, man?”

I fucked it up.

“I’m fine. Now go sit down,” he hisses. “It’s weird as shit if we both leave, cabrón.” Pope searches his eyes, until Frankie squeezes his arm and insists more firmly. “Stay! I’m okay.” Then, in the face of his buddy’s concern, he softens a little. “Thank you.”

Santi reluctantly obliges, giving Frankie’s shoulder a squeeze for good measure before he heads back inside, leaving nothing but polite goodbyes in his wake.

At least, leaving nothing behind which he is aware of - not realising that your eyes follow him with interest, your curiosity evidently piqued, and your gaze drawn to him.

****

“Okay. What’s his deal? Hmm? The cute one,” you say to Benny the moment the two of you are alone once again, ticking up an eyebrow.

“Fuck. Which one?” Benny says, shaking his head and sucking in air through his teeth as if you’re about to make a cursed decision.

“The pilot. Sexy porn ‘stache man,” you elaborate, biting your lip to stifle a cheeky smile, mischief sparking in your eyes. “Though... I wouldn’t kick your other friend out of bed either, as a second option,” you add with a dirty chuckle.

“Gross, by the way,” Benny chides. “But for real though? Frankie? I didn’t think he would be your type.”

“Why? Is he not an asshole?”

You await an inevitable scathing remark – some juvenile insult; however, surprising you, Benny becomes wistful - which is enough of a rarity in itself that you lean forward in your chair, curiosity piqued even further.

“Naw, hell no. Frankie’s the real deal. He’s... like the big brother I never had,” Benny states with a warm laugh; as usual, determined to tease Will even when he’s out of earshot. His grin is hyena-wide, even as it tugs at his bust lip.

You puff out a small laugh, but then you become contemplative, as if mulling something over yourself.

“Want a beer, Benj? I’ll get it,” you offer generously, even if yours is still half full.

“Thanks, baby,” Benny says affectionately, continuing to languish in place like a king in his camp chair throne. You’re starting to think he’s enjoying this treatment a little too much.

With a fond smile, you ruffle his hair affectionately on your way inside.

It seems that you have a mission. A pilot to track down.

Sure, he had seemed a little... awkward - and maybe a little sullen- but there was a certain sweetness and earnestness in his deep brown eyes. Something you want more of.

Whatever he did, he left you feeling some kind of way.

In fact, he left you sort of mesmerized.

****

You steal Frankie’s breath as you enter the kitchen, even as you find him slouched dejectedly over the kitchen island. He is perched on a breakfast stool and cradling his empty bottle, the label shorn off by his fingers and scraps littering the countertop.

Besides him, the room is otherwise deserted. Pope eventually left him to his moping.

He sits up a little straighter when you enter, the birds on his blue shirt animating with him.

You, meanwhile, saunter in, cocking your head when you spot him there. You pause momentarily in the doorway, one arm lifted and resting against the frame as your piercing eyes survey him. He observes that now familiar curl of your lips, as a flicker of mild amusement passes over your face.

The question is: are you trying to kill him? Your arm flexed above you, muscles popping. Your tee riding up just a little over your stomach, and baring your gorgeous skin to him.

Holy shit. Look at you.

Look at how you carry yourself.

Frankie’s eyes can’t help but sweep the full length of you as you stand before him.

You carry yourself like someone comfortable in their skin - albeit a comfort that Frankie suspects may have been hard-won. You have a sense of being battle-hardened, in a way that - he would suggest- goes beyond your army training (yes, he may have asked the older Miller brother about you -less than subtly- after he fled the scene, so help him).

You stand and move with an efficiency and a grace; as though your body has settled into itself and you have settled into it, becoming one and the same. Maybe you have gone to lengths to achieve this comfort - made it fit you in some ways. Frankie can deduce you work-out, for example, cultivating a particular hardness. And yet, you still you exude a softness and vulnerability about you too. Quite literally, in some of the rounded, more filled-out parts of you. But also in other ways, he perceives. In the openness of your smile. The kindness shining in your eyes. Kindness shrouded with a pleasing mischief, Frankie notes all over again.

Oh boy, you’re trouble, aren’t you?

He gulps.

Yes, Frankie contemplates. Maybe it has taken effort for you to become who he sees before him. Few people are without their trials and tribulations, after all. But when Frankie looks at you, he understands why you might go to such lengths; why you might fight so hard for that hard-won comfort.

Because you were worth the fight. And you seem like someone who knows that too, to your depths.

Holy shit.

Look at you.

Every aspect of you.

Yes. It’s still true. Every time Frankie sees you, he finds more to like.

Frankie finds himself enthralled by you.

He feels as though he’s seeing you exactly how you wish to be seen. He’s met some brave souls in his time, but he can’t think of anything braver than that, in a world that is overwhelmingly keen to make everybody someone they’re not, or to stop people being who they are.

“Hi,” you offer, with an effortless, lopsided grin which has his heart skipping a beat. 

“Hey,” he replies tentatively, a little frog in his throat, and he looks up at you with soft, hopeful brown eyes.

“Beers?” you ask coolly, and he nods towards the fridge.

“Running low.”

You pad to the fridge to Frankie’s rear as he mentally fumbles for something - hell anything to say. Your scuffed boots sound out quiet percussive thuds on the tiled floor, halting only when you reach inside the fridge to grab the remaining bottles.

“Only one left,” you state, neutrally.

When you emerge again into Frankie’s view, you have a soft smile on your face.

You don’t seem to mind his silence. Though, if anything, he respects that you do not feel the need to fill the silence with worthless chat. Here you are, standing strong in this quiet. Just being. You do that so well. Just being you.

There’s more of this intentionality from you that he already likes so much.

And yet, as much as Frankie likes silence himself, he reaches to fill it, as you wordlessly scooch up a matching barstool and settle yourself opposite him. Perhaps, it is your demonstration that you are content with his silence that finally allows him the space and time to speak - in contrast to a world that sometimes won’t shut up (especially considering the company he often keeps - no offense). It eases the pressure. It lets the words come to him in their own time. When they’re ready.

“It wasn’t bogus,” he says softly, as you pop off the cap and take the first swig. You let out a gentle sigh as it refreshes you, and you squeeze a slice of lime into the tight rim.

“Sorry?” you say kindly, looking to understand more.

“The coke thing,” Frankie admits in a monotone, scratching self-consciously at the scruff on his chin. “I fucked up. But I’m getting things back on track.”

You look at him quizzically again. Your eyes dancing around his face for a moment. Then, your brows knit together as you nod slowly in understanding.

He doesn’t have to explain anything to you - you didn’t ask him to. 

Maybe that’s precisely why he feels comfortable sharing it.

“Beer?” you offer, tilting the mouth of the bottle towards him.

“What about his Highness?”

Benny. He must be getting thirsty.

“Fuck him,” you say, with a delicious, wicked glint in your eye, pushing the base of the beer across the surface of the table with a scrape, until it reaches a spot close to Frankie’s hand.

The pilot lets out an equally wicked, much throatier chuckle - a low and rich sound which fills the room. Your tongue skims along your lower lip in response, and your eyes glow like embers. Frankie feels the heat of them on his skin, wherever they touch. His face, his neck, his chest. His arms. It causes a hard swallow to bob down his corded neck.

Frankie doesn’t know where to go from here, aside from absent-mindedly picking at the label on the bottle with his thumb in his nervousness. It’s probably an urban myth, but they used to say that habit was a symptom of sexual frustration. Well... maybe in his case...

Regardless, if Frankie is floundering, he’s lucky. Lucky because you are firmly in control of the situation, even if it’s progressing entirely contrary to how he may have expected.

“I just finalised my divorce,” you offer, trading a secret in return. Your eyes downcast, not giving much away.

Frankie is the one to nod slowly in understanding now, his lips pinching together into a thin line, his intelligent and perceptive gaze trailing over you. He can’t quite decipher whether the look on your face is relief or regret, exactly, but either way it merits a drink, he thinks. And so, he leans forward, resting his elbows on the countertop. With another scrape, Frankie extends his arm, pushing the beer back towards you with the heel of his hand, condensation trailing in its wake.

Noting his action, there is a beat. You suppress a full grin; until you don’t.

“When they say alcohol is a social lubricant this is what they mean, right?” you say sardonically. Then, you raise your eyebrows, indicating it is Frankie’s turn to share now, while you drink.

“I have a little girl- she’s four,” Frankie reveals, his own smile tentatively blooming now at the mere thought of her, his love for his daughter shining through.

He notes -with gratitude- that he’s relaxing into the conversation. You seem engaged also, unconsciously leaning forward, and your elbows resting on the table now, mirroring his posture.

Frankie has no idea why he finds you so easy to talk to (in relative terms), but he’s pretty sure it isn’t all down to the beer.

“That’s cute,” you respond genuinely, your eyes dancing lights. Interested. Happy.

Maybe... Just maybe, Frankie isn’t fucking this up, after all?

“Got pictures?” you ask, raising your eyebrows once more.

Frankie hesitates for a moment, searching your face for any hint that your interest is a veneer for politeness’ sake.

“For real,” you confirm with an assured nod. “I’m giving you a free pass to do the overzealous, proud parent thing.”  

Well, in that case... Frankie doesn’t turn down an opportunity to do the besotted dad schtick. It comes naturally. So, he reaches into his jeans pocket and fiddles with his cell, opening up his camera roll.

“Okay. Check out this one. From her karate exam. Look at her little face,” he gushes, and his smile is entirely infectious, even before you’ve seen the photo.

He passes you the phone, uninhibited pride glowing in his eyes - and, also, he’s not an idiot. He chose a photo where he looks pretty good too. At least, he hopes you might think so.

You look down at the screen, and your smile widens even more when you see the photo of his little princess, full of attitude and entirely adorable. Frankie’s stomach flips involuntarily as your face crinkles, those gorgeous lines radiating from around your eyes like sunbeams.

“Fucking adorable,” you say, before passing the cell back into his hand, your warm fingers brushing his and sending a pleasant shiver up his arm. “And your kid’s cute too.”

Fuck, are you flirting with him?

He’s an idiot when it comes to these things -he needs an independent adjudicator- but he thinks you actually, more than likely are? And so, all of his words become suddenly strangled in his throat at the prospect you might be... interested in him? As you look up at him from beneath your lashes, a gentle, steady heat undeniably brewing there.

In fact, Frankie is not sure if he will ever be able to muster words again. That is, until you push the beer towards him with the back of your hand, and he takes a grateful swig, the prompt shaking him from his stupor.

He can do this. He can ask you a question. You haven’t fled yet, and it can’t only be because this is the last beer in the house, right?

“What do you do? Do you work? Or... how do you spend your time right now?”

You tilt your head to the side. “I was in the army. Mechanical engineering - you get it, repairing tanks and all that shit, right? Welding parts and slapping them on cockpits?” he nods, even more enthralled by you every time you open your mouth. “When I got out, I retrained at a fine arts community college. These days, I work as an artist and blacksmith, and part-time tutor, would you believe?” You bite your lip and look up at him bashfully, expectantly, as if assessing what he might make of all that.

Fuck, Frankie can barely stop smiling just from looking at you. Makes a fucking change from lately. 

“Blacksmithing? That explains your arms.” Frankie says it without missing a beat, before emphatically wishing he hadn’t said anything at all, a heat spreading through his face and a crimson undertone igniting his light brown skin.

Christ. This is why you stay quiet until your brain has had a chance to kick-in, Francisco. 

There’s that amusement again, though, lifting the corners of your lips in the way that is quickly making Frankie fall in love with you. “My arms?” you ask, your eyebrows raised up in surprise, and a musical, delighted chuckle falling from your lips.

“I mean. You look... strong,” he backtracks, his eyes closing momentarily and a pained expression settling on his face. He should have asked about your art, not talked about you like a piece of meat. Fuck. 

But, thankfully, when he tentatively peels his eyes open to risk a glance at you, you don’t seem offended. On the contrary. You seem to have responded well to the compliment.

In fact, you are giving Frankie some of your finest bedroom eyes. “All the better to hold you with,” you say in a flirtatious voice yet humourful manner, pumping your eyebrows. When you smile lopsidedly and you wink at him though, Frankie thinks he might pass out at the mere thought of you wrapped around him.

Even so, Frankie’s expression becomes earnest. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to... you’re obviously attractive, but I didn’t mean to-”

“-Relax, flyboy,” you soothe. It’s not what he’s expecting, in response, admittedly, but your eyes then mist over a little, your expression becoming wistful as you nod slowly, cutting him off “Honestly, it’s nice to hear that. I...” you wrap your arms around yourself. “My ex - he said that I...” your face grows pinched, and as you recollect whatever springs to mind, your voice trails off. Evidently you can’t quite bring yourself to finish that thought out loud.

It breaks Frankie’s heart. For the first time since meeting you, you look uncomfortable - trying to shrink yourself. When you’re talking about him. Frankie doesn’t know the man, but he’s adamant that no-one should have ever made you feel badly like this. On his watch, no-one will again, if he can help it. You should only be taking up space. You should only ever be proud of who you are.

On instinct, Frankie reaches his hand across the table and brushes your fingers with his. Your touch feels like electricity, thrumming under his skin. “With respect,” Frankie begins, after making a few deductive leaps. “It doesn’t fucking matter what that pendejo said.” His tone is robust and fiery, his eyes steel, his resolve appearing stronger than any metal you have shaped before. “Fuck him.”

You are caught off-guard by his intensity, and your lips part in surprise, forming a neat, shocked “o” before tipping into a cautious, fragile smile; one which Frankie only wishes to stoke.

As something unspoken passes between you, the two of you get lost in each other’s eyes for a moment, transmitting layer upon layer of intention through this faint yet lingering contact at your fingertips, like a circuit suddenly completed.

You are in such a bubble that you don’t even notice Will enter the kitchen. At least, you don’t notice him almost enter. The two of you have already created such a powerfully intimate atmosphere without realising, that when Will approaches the open door, your togetherness acts as a forcefield of sorts, repelling him from entering or from even saying a word. He is compelled to halt in the doorway and his words die on his lips, transforming into a mere exhale of breath.

His eyes flit between the two of you, one eyebrow quirking as he clocks your mutual heart eyes. His head shakes from side to side to express his wonder at this happy, unexpected occurrence, and his chiselled face cracks open with a soft, knowing smile. Then, like a good friend does, he ducks out wordlessly so as to spare you the interruption.

You and Frankie continue in this manner for a while - a long while, in your little bubble, the conversation beginning to flow freely even without your trusty beer bottle, long after it has been drained.

Frankie finds you so easy to talk to, and after only a short time in your comforting presence, he feels able to open up to you in a way that would usually take him months. He finds that you’re smart and sharp and just a little less cynical than him; that nothing as of yet has managed to blunt your kindness and your empathy - a quality all too rare these days. You don’t approach him with judgement, but with openness and pragmatism. You make him laugh while his whole chest. You make him feel like a furnace has been lit in his rib cage and is being gently stoked, warming him from the inside out until he is burning with a steady desire for you.

He doesn’t want the night to end, but eventually, to Frankie’s disdain, Benny begins a hobbled patrol around the house, eager to kick out the last remaining stragglers. It’s not a very elegant request, but it gets the message across nevertheless. “Get out of my house, mother fuckers!”

You and Frankie share a chuckle... but it trails off, as you both realise, in the same moment, that sadly, your bubble is burst.

“Can I... walk you home? Do people still do that?” Frankie asks bashfully, his moustache animating as his mouth widens in a gentle smile, his arms folded around himself for comfort.

You bite your lip in contemplation, your eyes narrowing - as if you’re weighing things up.

Frankie hopes. He hopes he didn’t fuck it up, somehow.

Your lips quirk in amusement. “I’m crashing here at Benny’s,” you respond, and there’s a note of regret in it, he thinks. Hopes. “He needs someone to nurse him back to health and I’m it for the weekend.”

Frankie tries to mask it, but he’s sure he must look visibly crestfallen.

“But...” you begin, and his heart flutters in hope. “Do you want some air? You could walk me around the block and drop me off again?”

Frankie perks up. He’ll take that. And so, he nods, bashfully fluttering his eyes at you, and you both head towards the door. You fish up your coat from the hook and sling it over your shoulders, before following Frankie out into the crisp, still night. 

The two of you parade around the block, at a snail’s pace, both dragging your feet and trying desperately to extend your time together. And, even though you’re tired and have already talked for hours, still very much enjoying each other’s company.

Frankie’s hand is practically burning a hole in his jeans pocket as he desperately tries to work up the courage to hold your hand, or to reach out and wrap his arm around you before you complete your loop.

He fails to, however; but he does at least ask you the question he’s been dying to since he met you. “Can I see you again?” he asks with conviction as you face him, stood on the top porch step so that his face tilts up towards you. His brown eyes are hopeful and full of sweetness, yet a determination too. Both hard and soft all at once.

Frankie is not entirely sure where this burst of confidence has come from, but he is sure that you make him feel good. You make him feel at ease. Like he’s always known you. He is sure that he can’t not ask you.

Everything he has found out about you, he likes. But there is so much more to know.

You bat him playfully on the arm, however, and he feels like his hopes may soon be cruelly dashed. “You don’t want to get involved with me, Francisco,” you state, your voice thin, though you try to fill the cracks with humour. “I’ll steal your clothes; fair warning.”

Fuck, I’m in some deep shit, Frankie realises, as the mere thought of you in his clothes send a surge of blood to the area now straining against his jeans.

“Starting with this shirt,” you state, your voice altogether more breathy than last time you spoke, and your hand reaching to stroke the silky lapel of the garment lightly, between your thumb and forefinger. As you do so, your thumb lightly grazes the bare “v” of his chest, sending a delightful shiver down Frankie’s spine and spreading a suffusing heat; everywhere.

“Fuck, you’re cute,” he rasps, in his deep timbre, looking up at you with doe eyes. He doesn’t care that he’s playing his hand rather than playing it cool. He no longer cares that the heat brewing in his eyes must be blatantly obvious.

“And you’re cold,” you say in response to his shiver, confirming your assessment as your fingers brush over his goose-pimpled forearm, his hairs standing on end. He hadn’t noticed. He was captivated by you. It could be snowing or hailing and he could care less.

Still, you appear to care, as, all of a sudden, you’re shrugging off your coat, and in the next moment, you’re shuffling closer to him to affectionately toss it around his shoulders, using the motion to pull him just a little closer.

Holy shit.

With that romantic gesture, Frankie can’t decide whether to melt into a puddle or become hard as a rod. You’re a blacksmith, right? Maybe he can settle for both. He can be like the metal you master and command. He can be whatever form you demand of him.

However, when you tug the jacket around him, your expression looks sad. Your body language reticent. “Look. Frankie?” you say, your voice brittle.

No. Please no, Frankie pleads inwardly. Don’t tell me I fucked this up.

You reach your palm up to his face, your hand warm against his cheek, smoothing over his scruff.

“I’m... honestly... still figuring a lot of stuff out. I’ve had a great time. I like you. But I don’t know if I can....”

You can’t finish your sentiment. Your arms drop dejectedly to your sides.

It is as if you’re giving up before this has even started.

Frankie recognises that feeling all too well. The emotion in your voice, your face, your body. He knows it all too well. And, courtesy of one very particular, wise, idiot friend of his, he has the perfect advice for that.

He knows what to do.

He won’t fuck this up.

Instinctively, then, Frankie reaches for your hand, your fingers twining delicately together, yours rough and his soft.

He tips his shapely chin up towards you. His eyes made of steel again.

Your eyes shine in return, in response to his quiet determination. And, you are silent once more, allowing him the space to speak. You have already established, over the course of the evening, that Frankie is thoughtful in when he chooses to speak. His words are rarely wasted. And so, he has you undivided attention for whatever is coming.

Frankie’s brow furrows as he begins, his fingers still lightly gripping yours in his hand. “You know. I have a buddy who tells me I shouldn’t self-sabotage. I dunno. But I figure that advice might be applicable here?”

His eyes flit over your face, and slowly, ever so slowly, a disbelieving smile gathers in your eyes. They crease at the corners, in that way Frankie likes so damn much already. He wants to stoke your smile for always.

If he has his way, you’ll never feel anything but happy again.

As your smile levels off, it becomes something else. Something reforged. A hard swallow bobs down your throat, and your gaze becomes heavy, dropping to Frankie’s lips. Frankie’s tongue darts out in anticipation, fleeting along his lower lip, his breath quickening as you shuffle your feet just a little closer to him.

In a moment of bravery -or stupidity - he isn’t sure yet- Frankie takes a single step up, bringing your faces level on the porch stairs.

“Frankie,” you breathe, your tone almost incredulous, your hands pawing haphazardly at his chest and smoothing over his bird-emblazoned shirt.

Feeling even braver now, Frankie grabs hold of the thick brown belt at your waist and pulls your hips into him - holding your heat up against him, even as he knows he is a straining mess beneath his jeans already. 

And then, as a small moan falls from his parted lips with this ghost of contact, you do the single hottest thing Frankie could imagine in this moment. You take control. But not only that. You grab the lapels of your own jacket, and use them to tug him to your lips.

Your mouth sinks on to his, the brush of your lips vanishingly soft at first, giving him an opportunity to pull away should he want to. He doesn’t want to. Your kiss is tentative, until you expel a small, disbelieving moan of your own, a sound he eagerly drinks down from your lips as he opens up for you. Then, setting the pace, you grow the kiss, your strong arms wrapping at his back so that you can press a more forceful crush of your lips against him. Frankie responds keenly, his hands wrapping around your waist and reaching up to your shoulders as you twist one hand into his hair, holding him securely as your molten, delicious tongue delves into his mouth.

Frankie blisses out, with your strong arms finally holding him steady, feeling safe in your sturdy circumference. He melts as your supple tongue claims his mouth. Frankie is positively ignited, a molten heat bleeding like a trail of fire right down to the pit of him, and he becomes at once liquid and steel, ready and willing for you to shape him. To mould him to you.

The kiss grows, your breaths becoming ragged in the crush between your bodies, until eventually you must break for air, panting heavily into the space between you.

Holy shit, that was one hell of a kiss.

You’re beautiful. You’re handsome. You’re pretty.

You’re hot as hell.

You’re fucking perfect.

You stifle your smile, until you can’t; and Frankie matches it.

Christ, he wants more. He could take you back home with him right now, if you wanted. But, he doesn’t mind waiting. Not at all.

He’s in no rush.

He’s waited all his life for you so far, and you were worth every second of that waiting.

And so, Frankie pulls your jacket more tightly around him, slotting his arms in properly now, and, with more soft, small kisses against his lips, you make him promise to return it. You make him promise to text you that he gets home safe.

“Good night, cariño,” he says softly, his voice deep and rich, his eyes shining with adoration. “See you in the morning?”

He’s in no rush, and yet he can hardly wait.

You nod emphatically, that beautiful smile curling your kiss-plumped lips. Frankie steals another moan from your mouth -then another- before he prizes himself away from you and skips off down the street, his heart hammering and a cacophony of butterflies in his belly.

He thinks of you, and he doesn’t have all the words yet. He doesn’t know what to call this thing. He doesn’t even have all the words to describe you right at his fingertips. But he does have an overwhelming feeling that you’re... his person. So, as long as he has you at his fingertips, he thinks everything will be alright from here on out.

This time -for once, thank god- he has an overwhelming feeling that he won’t fuck it up.

It seems you whole-heartedly agree too, since you evidently think better of this parting, darting out of Benny’s driveway to chase Frankie down a portion of the street. With glee, he hears you yell out his name, stopping him in his tracks.

“Frankie!” you call hesitantly, wringing your hands in front of you. “Technically, it’s already morning. Do you... want to come in for a coffee?”

He turns, his eyes bright.  Turning towards you like a wallflower towards its sun. But you see him. You see him just as he is. 

He smiles at you, and you smile right back, as he surges forward into your embrace

It might be wild to think so, after such a short time; but now that he’s in your arms, he doesn’t ever want you to let him go.

[now-im-a-belieber]

omg can i please get "im gonna marry you one day" with george luz OR "you pretend that you dont know me in front of your(our) friends" with joe liebgott

whichever you want! tysm 💖💖

prompt: "im gonna marry you one day"

george luz x reader

a/n: i present to you some mediocre george luz fluff with only a LITTLE angst. to make up for my last atrocity lol. this is a feat for me, as the self proclaimed queen of sadness.

══════════════════

The first time he said so, you thought it was a joke. George was always joking. Always trying to get a reaction from you, whether it be a bright laugh or a mortified warning whisper. You were the best kind of friends.

It was after helping him home at the end of a very long night, when George was more exhausted than tipsy. So you shoved him toward his sofa and untied his shoes. And just as you grabbed your coat and turned to leave, he said...

"You're too good. I'm gonna have to marry you one day."

His tired mumbles died out almost exactly as his head hit the throw pillow. And when you turned with a blush you saw he was already asleep where you'd left him, but that same mischievous grin remained on his face.

It had to be a joke. So you didn't think a thing of his comment, besides the come back you were going to have to throw his way, come morning.

That's how the two of you worked. Batting ideas between your wits until one or both of you were doubled over with laughter and the night was through.

He'd been a good friend. He'd been a generous soul. A watchful eye. A listening ear. He'd been there for you, and stayed that way.

So you'd come to know George well. Whether either of you cared to admit it or not, there was an unspoken, inexplicable bond between the two of you. He was the first person you'd call should disaster strike. The last person you wanted to sit through a movie with, but the person whose commentary you missed most when it was just you in front of the telly.

He was always joking. And whether or not he succeeded in getting you to giggle, he was laughing all the while. But there were those rare moments, when the two of you would talk like the world was ending. Trading dire secrets or genuine apologies.

So when the second time he said it, you knew it wasn't a joke.

There you stood at the platform, the roaring of an approaching train growing louder with each thud of your heart. You wouldn't let yourself think of why you stood here, or where George was about to head off too. You couldn't imagine what horrors might dull his brightness. You shuddered to imagine the glimmer in George's eye being blown away. So you thought further ahead.

"You better make it back here before too long." You shrugged, reaching out to straighten George's collar. You didn't know how to say you'd miss him.

He grabbed your hand, to dismiss your pestering, you thought. But he didn't let go. George just held on, letting his eyes dart from your intertwined fingers, back to meet your own gaze. And then he sucked in a breath, and said...

"I've gotta make it back. I'm gonna marry you one day."

It wasn't some witty call back to the time he'd said so before. He really meant it. You could tell by the softness in his usually impish smile. And the way his eyes desperately searched yours.

And then just like that, his hand left yours, and George was stepping onto the train.

How dare he, you thought, leave you with such weighted words without time to ask why he'd said them. Without time to swat his arm and curse at the way he made your heart rate multiple.

George waved from the door of the train before an impatient usher shooed him to find his seat. You just barely heard as he replied "Alright I'm goin', I'm goin'."

And you tried to pretend that wasn't the last thing you heard him say. You tried to imagine he wouldn't be gone long. And you tried to imagine what life would be like once he returned.

You headed back to the way things were. But nothing was the same with George gone.

And even when you finally heard from him, it wasn't at all as comforting as you hoped it might've been. He wrote little. And asked more of you than he said of himself. He asked for updates about local goings-on. Asked you to tell him how his family seemed, despite having been in touch with them all the same.

You wrote back, answering all his questions and daring to ask a few vague inquiries of your own. You danced around the subject of what he said to you. And he never directly responded to your subtle hints.

But despite having heard George say what he said with your own ears, you decided after a while that he couldn't have been serious. Rarely was he. But often did you let your own thoughts blow things out of proportion. That had to be what was going on, now...

So you stopped wondering, on paper at least. You kept your many frequent thoughts of George to yourself. And you tried not to worry about when you'd hear from him again, or the fact that he had less to say each time.

You just answered all of his usual questions about the state of your hometown and secretly dreamed of the day you got to stroll through it together again. You never knew when his next letter would come. Sometimes months would pass with nothing but dust filling your mailbox. And years had passed since this new discombobulated routine had become normal.

But still, everyday you heard the postman swing open the gate at the end of your path, you eagerly hurried to fetch the mail.

When you heard that sure scuffle of the postman approaching the porch steps that led to your post box, you dusted your hands of a day's work and scurried toward the door.

But, as you approached, a knocking gave you pause. The postman never knocked. You took a beat to smooth your wrinkled clothes before answering the door you were near opening anyway.

At first, it seemed no one was there. Then you looked down to find George Luz on one knee.

"You're home!" You gasped taking in the sight of him. The swoop of his unusually long hair. The grin on his face and that same old glimmer in his eye. You'd never seen it shine brighter, in fact.

Your favourite friend reached for your hands and held them as he did at the train station; like he really meant too.

"I told you I'd be back to marry you one day. Wanna make it soon?"

All your second guesses and dismissive thoughts flew out the window as you threw yourself to meet George where he knelt in your doorway. His arms wrapped around you in time to save you from crashing to the porch, and his huff of stunned laughter was like music to your ears. You wrapped your arms around his neck and held on tight to prove you weren't dreaming.

"Is that a yes or are you trying to strangle me for taking so long to properly ask?" He quipped

"Both!" You cried, burying your face in his neck and marvelling over how familiar this was. How all the time that had passed so miserably slow without George seemed like no time at all, now.

"Well, we'd better go do the damn thing before you deprive me of too much oxygen." George insisted, holding you closer all the same.

"What, right now?" You chuckled, leaning back to search George's gaze. He was as beautiful as ever. Just as wonderfully himself. Though you could tell some deep wary exhaustion played behind the shine of his eyes. That could be felt with in time. Now, there was a rather pressing matter at hand...

"War is over babe, and I'd been waiting long before that anyhow."

With that, it was decided. George shuffled to his feet, raising you up alongside him. He hurried you along your flustered rush to grab a couple of things. And then the two of you flew down the porch steps and into the rest of your lives together.

You'd been longing for this day before you even knew George was too. Now there was nothing that could keep you apart. No war. No time. No worries. You were now and forever bound to have every movie night ruined by George's blathering over it. And that's just the way you wanted it.

[work-of-waking-up]

In Defense of the Psychopath

Alright, wanna venture into my crazy ass brain? I’m going to start by saying one thing that will set the tone for everything else that follows: Villanelle is not a psychopath in the way that we currently understand them. Why am I even bothering to write about a fictional character, you ask? Because representation is important. Media portrayal of various mental and behavioral health topics (including ones that people might not think need to be discussed) is important and this show has a big audience. I also just want to contribute to the conversations that are taking place because I am seeing A LOT of them and the reason for that I believe boils down to the fact that Jodie makes Villanelle so relatable and people want to know what that means and looks like for them. Even those who felt they could relate to Sandra’s Eve, or the relationship between the two, maybe questioned what that meant the further they went down the path with them. “It’s probably a bad thing I relate to a psychopath, right? But she can’t be a psychopath because she cries and she feels things! Psychopaths don’t cry, which means she isn’t realistic so therefore it’s okay that I relate to her! Right? Or are my assumptions about psychopaths and people with antisocial personality disorder wrong? I relate to Eve but look what she is underneath it all...so does that mean I relate to that part of her too?” Not only is villanelles character relatable, but people see the freedom inherent within her, the freedom that Eve sees, and they realize that, at least on some level, they want it too. The show has (unintentionally I think) created a massive dialogue which is super cool and you can tell everyone involved on the show is aware of that now, I mean they have a consulting psychiatrist so I think that speaks for itself. This is less of a commentary on the character herself and whether or not she is a genuine psychopath, and more so a commentary on the conversations she has inspired and why... For the record, this is literally just my opinion sprinkled with a few facts, nothing else.

So, the term psychopath gets thrown around in the show, more so in the beginning, MI6 explicitly labels Villanelle this way, even going so far as to use her in a presentation about psychopaths, although I think that was more so to gauge Eve’s response than anything else. The reality of Villanelle, which we come to learn, is that nobody has been able to get close enough to really know the truth. Anna and Konstantin both got close but we never hear either of them use that word (Konstantin says it once but he clearly doesn’t mean it, it was more of an attempted manipulation tactic). They make it clear that she has, and can, and WILL cause damage, but that’s as far as they go. Eve is getting close and she tells Villanelle when they first meet that she knows Villanelle is a psychopath but it’s obvious from Eve's behavior and things she says later on that she truly doesn’t believe Villanelle is what everyone says she is. It’s easier to label her as a psychopath because that alienates and isolates her and her behavior completely. She is an outlier with behavioral anomalies and therefore it isn’t necessary to look any closer. For MI6 and others (not talking about the shows creators) to label Villanelle as a psychopath is easy, it’s lazy, it’s reductive, it serves a single purpose... a means to an end. They (anyone other than Eve basically) simply do not care about Villanelle’s truth. But as an audience we are lucky enough to see more of her with each episode. The psychopath label begins to fade and Oksana is what’s left. We know based on what she has said that she is aware that people think she is a psychopath, a monster, a person built to kill. It’s not always easy to decide that who you are is different from who you’ve always been told you are, especially given her history. Villanelle hasn’t told us yet if she thinks (or knows) that she is a psychopath, but it’s clear towards the end of last season that she no longer wants to be the person that they (meaning the twelve, Dasha, Konstantin, etc.) created. We see moments where she clearly has no remorse and clearly enjoys what she does, but then we have little moments sprinkled in between where she very obviously struggles, even if its short lived. And those moments are important. We have the moment where she struggles with the choice to shoot Konstantin, saying he is a good person, she thinks. This comes shortly after a conversation she had where Irina tells Villanelle she thinks she is a good person because she is sad, so we know she is thinking about it, we know the awareness is there, and it becomes more and more there as times goes on. I like to think of it in terms of having moments that are pure Villanelle (ie the way she killed Inga in the Russian prison), and then we have moments that are Oksana, vulnerable and emotional. Villanelle is a creation and a mask whereas oksana is the truth. Those moments are starting to really mean something. I'm not even going to start with her trip to find her family, that’s its own thing, but it's a Really Big Thing.

So. Villanelle is not a psychopath in the way that we currently understand and perceive them. Yes, she displays psychopathic traits, and yes, she absolutely has antisocial personality disorder. I read an article where the psychiatric consultant for the show (makes it pretty obvious how hard they worked to make Villanelle as realistic as possible) said that the Villanelle in Luke Jenning’s books scored a 32 on Hare’s psychiatric checklist, but I like to think (and I think a lot of people would agree) that number is a bit high, at least for Jodie’s Villanelle, maybe not even hitting 30 at all (close though, let’s be real lol). The max score is 40 which would be a fully blown primary psychopath. For reference, Ted Bundy scored 39. This checklist is flawed though, mostly created and based off the prison population. Which is why it isn’t used as a proper diagnostic tool. 32 is apparently extraordinarily high for a female (think Aileen Wuornos), which brings me to my next point which is that because it’s hard to measure a lot of the classic traits objectively, there is not a ton of solid data surrounding psychopathy, and even less of it is on female psychopaths. Like most things in life, psychopathy exists on a spectrum, there are levels and layers. It’s not black and white, there’s no definitive test (psychopathy isn’t even in the DSM-5 because as I said earlier it’s extremely hard to measure objectively) and it's important to distinguish between someone who exhibits psychopathic traits and someone who is actually an identifiable psychopath. Chances are high that someone you know displays at least one characteristic shared with psychopaths and this doesn’t make them one.

I think what’s important about this is that mental disorders (mental illness/personality disorders/etc.) of any kind are much more nuanced than a lot of people tend to think they are. That they exist less in black and white and more in shades of grey. Jodie Comer is absolutely remarkable for showcasing that through portraying the different layers of Villanelle. Her performance is a literal gift. We cannot keep thinking and acting like we know everything about how a person thinks, feels, and behaves based strictly and entirely on one label. The thing that has stuck out to me the most, the reason I decided to even write this bullshit babble, is that one of the most searched topics about the show is whether or not it’s realistic that Villanelle cries, and honestly how sad is that? That makes me sad for V. Is it more realistic for her to develop connections and cognitive empathy if she was made into a psychopath vs if she was born that way? Is there a legitimate difference between the two? And how do we even decide which one is applicable for someone? It’s important to add that antisocial personality disorder is not the same thing as psychopathy or sociopathy. You can have aspd and not be a psychopath. Research has shown that about only a third of those diagnosed with aspd would meet criteria to be considered a psychopath. Society is not doing a great job at getting people to understand this. But to be fair, understanding personality disorders specifically has been somewhat problematic, a lot of diagnostic confusion and overlap between disorders. A LOT of work needs to be done. But as far as portrayals go, society has strictly chosen to go the route of giving us psychopathic characters and having them be inherently violent, incapable of remorse, feelings, or change. Poverty of all emotions. Subhuman. They are made out to be so abnormal and unrelatable to the point where the character of Villanelle has sparked so much debate and fascination simply because she exists in a way that actually IS relatable...and layered and beautiful and thrilling. We thought she would be the bad guy and yet we root for her at every turn, we cry for her, we want good things for her! We see her darkness and without question or hesitation we forgive it. She makes us question what we’ve previously been shown. Questioning whether or not it’s realistic that she acts the way she does is less important than questioning our own personal assumptions and beliefs and where those come from. I think that’s awesome. Villanelle is truly a gift. She is hands down one of the most well written fictional characters, which is saying a lot considering when you put something, or someone, in a box it doesn’t leave tons of room for expansion. and I honestly don’t even really need to say this, but.. Jodie Comer.

[tattooyeol]

Presenting to you, Exo looks: Live in technicolor

This time I wasn't allowed to include any styles with black hair, so these are my favourite colorful looks for each member.

I'm adding commentary this time bc i feel like just presenting photos without an explanation isnt very fun and doesnt lead to much discussion

(Some of the pictures are better than others but bare with me lol, sometimes i even had to just screenshot straight from mvs)

Without further ado

Imo Junmyeon is the only one to have done the pink hair RIGHT. Look how his skin is glowing! The off-center part looks great, this look is just overall a 10/10

Continuing my "long hair Sehun supremacy" agenda lmao. Sehun has had SO many styles and I just think this would be super interesting and i would love to see it on him. The messy style also gives him a less polished looks than he usually has and it adds some masculinity Also this color makes his skin glow <3

Redhair-yeol and Peach-yeol were a close second, but I would be going against everything I've been preaching on this blog and I would be lying to myself if I didnt stick to Silveryeol. This specific look with the fluffy curls, the jewelry and tattoos is probably my favourite look of his ever!! It makes me so soft!!!!! Theres a reason i go back to this look every time i change my icon <3 Its breathtaking

Im not sure if it was simply the novelty of seeing Ksoo with something other than black hair, but this almost reddish/auburn brown hair w the freckles was such a fresh look on ksoo and it looks super cute! The dreamlike/nostalgic vibe of this photoshoot probably adds to the effect of it all.

I KNOW i came for the Hey Mama looks in my last ranking for Minseok and Jongdae but its ok bc the mv actually has my favourite Baekhyun look! The wavy sidepart with the bright red is super fun and just gives him this very charming vibe. I cant explain it - it adds to the cheekiness that Baekhyun is so known for and it elevates his look!

This was a surprise to me - Yixing hasn't had a ton of different haircolors and I really honestly believe that he is just perfect with the black hair, so i was surprised by how much i like this. I like the dark undercut and the curls - its super different on him and its interesting!

I'm pretty sure we all lost our minds when Jongdae had blonde hair for their The War comeback? He hadn't ever had this kind of look before and its GORGEOUS. This is jongdae done exactly right

I was super torn between this and the chocolate-brown curly look he had when he played Ato. In practice, I will say Jongin looks his absolute best with the chocolate-brown. However, I had to choose this look because it lives absolutely rent-free in my mind. yall cant even SPELL disneyprince

OK HEAR ME OUT i know this is like the exact same color i said was his worst look on the last one. This is a good example on how styling is SO important. Because THIS look? pure sex. you look amazing sweetie.

[putschki1969]

H-el-ical// 『B-day Event 2021』Live Commentary/Report

Date: July 2, 2021 Stream open 18:00／Stream start 18:30 Stream Ticket purchase period: 2021/6/19 12:00〜7/8 19:00   Ticket sales page https://eplus.jp/h-el-ical_st/ Ticket price: 3,000 yen Archived video available until July 8 23:59

Hikaru tweet |

Notes: As discussed in previous posts, it’s VERY hard for foreigners to buy tickets on e+. Their service requires a registration with an active Japanese phone number which needs to be verified via SMS/call (something I managed to do a couple of years ago with the help of a kind friend in Japan - it wasn’t easy at all). On top of that, you can ONLY pay with Japanese credit cards or at convenience stores (once again, something that was only possible because I know kind people who are willing to help me with stuff like that). Lots of hurdles which aren’t easily overcome. *sighs* I know that e+ does in fact have an overseas ticket service but alas, Hikaru’s team have decided not to offer it. Maybe it wouldn’t have paid off for them, I don’t know. However, I think you CAN use a proxy service like FromJapan or WhiteRabbitExpress because they will handle the whole process for you. Careful though! It has come to my attention that certain foreign fans cannot access the relevant e+ pages anymore. I think the reason for that might be that e+ blocked the countries where their overseas service is available. So even if you get a Japanese ticket through FromJapan etc you might not be able to access the event without using some proper VPN. Anyways, without further ado, let’s get to the live commentary 〈(•ˇ‿ˇ•)-→

•————— ♬ —————• 

LIVE COMMENTARY/IMPRESSIONS (TO BE UPDATED)

The current background music is an acoustic instrumental arrangement of a famous song I know but for the live of me, I can’t remember its name or the lyrics. Sounds a bit jazz-y, pop standard-ish, I’m guessing that will be the vibe for the event? I don’t really know the other piece they are playing now. Could be anything really.:P

It’s a small but cute venue. Takeshi Kato (from SPICE) is enthusiastic as always as host XD Hikaru looks super cute. They are clapping “Happy Birthday” for her (they can’t sing due to COVID guidelines unfortunately). She also got a little cake and and Amazon giftcard from her management.

Time for a little “How much do you know about H-el-ical//”  quiz: She needs to reply within 5 seconds which Hikaru finds very difficult. On what day was “pulsation” released? (June 1 2019) The venue for her 1st H-el-ical// live? (Kanagawa Kenmin Hall) How many H-el-ical// songs are there in total? (24) How many goods did she sell for her acoustic live in 2020? (11) Something about the key being different in the first part of the song compared to all her other songs. Hikaru doesn’t know this. Gushimiyagi chose that question :P Apparently it’s Landscape. Hikaru scolds Gushi for coming up with such a difficult question :P Otherwise Hikaru did great tho, she answered 4 out of 5 qustions

Then they bring out five different bubble teas for Hikaru to taste. I think she is supposed rank them according to how strong they taste or sometthing? No idea. She is pretty good at it (even though she almost chokes :P) And she was happy to finally drink some tapioca again. She is trying to take a break for the YK Live Tour.

LIVE CORNER: She is doing the TOP 3 of the survey where we got to choose our faves. Hirotaka Sakurada has joined Hikaru on stage. 1. disclose ~ acoustic ver. [WOW!! LOVE IT!! So powerful *chills*] 2. Altern-ate- ~ acoustic ver. [Really loving these arrangements. Sakurada’s playing is pretty epic and fits Hikaru’s super dramatic and dark singing.] 3. 咲 -SHOW- [Okay, didn’t expect that to be so high in the ranking. Not one of my favourites :P A tad too shrill for my liking, much preferred the lower key of the previous songs. Still Hikaru is super cute and she was happy that it ranked so high bcause she wrote the song for us]

GOODS INTRO CORNER: Hikaru is excited to see lots of people wear her masks. Cute as always. My merch already arrived at the TENSO warehouse. Can’t wait to receive all of them. Dammit, the t-shirt looks so soft. Her shirts are honestly the best. I kinda regret not ordering one. There is still a chance for you to purchase the items! [H-el-ical // Limited time ONLINE SHOP] http://h-el-ical.tokyo TUTORIAL [Order period] 2021/5/21 20: 00 ~ 2021/7/6  23:59

LIVE CORNER: We are back to some songs. Something summer-themed. 4. Spiranthes [Lovely as always. Not what I would have liked to hear from the “Blooming” album tho :P]. 5. 水 – Find your answer [Another nice pick but once again not what I would have chosen from the “elements” album] MC: Hikaru is super happy to have Sakurada with her because she has loved his playing ever since the Kalafina day. 6. 火 − One step forward [They did a darker arrangement for this live. I love it! Made me fall in love with the song. Hikaru SLAYS!] 7. Existence ~ acoustic ver. [LOL, I almost forgot about this song. Shame on me. I prefer it like this I think. Her screams are super cool]. 8. 紡-TSUMUGU- [Ahhhhhh, I knew this would be the final song. I am in love. The lalalas always get to me! She asks everyone at the venue to clap along and everyone who is watching the stream can sing the lalalas with her 💕 ]

She received another present from her drummer MASUKE. Then Hikaru  once again announces that all her albums are now available on various streaming services. AND we are getting a NEW SONG today on YouTube - “I am me”. Please look forward to it! It’s a song with a very youthful vibe. Awwww, her final words are so touching, I think she almost teared up. And she is taking some pictures with the audience whic she will upload later. AHhhh. wish I could have been there. Will there be an encore? Maybe? But the live stream doesn’t seem to cover it?

ENCORE: THERE IS an ancore!! And it IS covered by the live stream!! For a second the sound didn’t work but they fixed it quickly. BANZAI! 9. Happy Birthday [She sang it for herself because the audience isn’t allowed to sing. So precious! ]

[chalkrevelations]

Episode 31 of Word of Honor, and in many ways OH MY GOD YES, but also, no, show, wtf?

As in, wt actual f is going on? Literally, what is happening?

(Spoilers, so scroll away and come back later, if you need to.)

So, first thing’s first: I feel like this one may end up a bit short, because a lot of it is likely to be just a bunch of keysmash flailing? (EDIT: No, I just came back up here to the top from the bottom, because this is NOT AT ALL any shorter than usual.) I’ll attempt a bit more than exclamation points and worry over whether my poor heart is able to take this, but we’ll see how it goes, because the first thing I’m going to do is say I knew it! and I told you so! I knew you weren’t planning to die, Zhou Zishu. I did call you a liar after Ep 30, and I was right. I mean, what’s the point of having the terrifying master of the Ghost Valley as your boyfriend husband if he’s not going to rescue you after you’ve been kidnapped for attempted ravishment by the evil prince? And get you the best wedding present ever, i.e., a bunch of new disciples? Omg, Zhou Zishu’s face when Wen Kexing finally calls himself a disciple of Four Seasons Manor! (I think he’s so overwhelmed, he doesn’t even realize when WKX calls him “shixiong” a minute before that!) Wen Kexing’s tiny pained smile that he just can’t seem to help when ZZS lays his hand on WKX’s head! That long shuddering breath ZZS lets out, and the way his shoulders just drop, like he’s finally let go of a huge weight! (The worry this brings me, because there are five and a half episodes left, my dude, and your husband is a troublemaker, and I would not be getting complacent, if I was you.) The fact that WKX has knelt to ZZS and called him zongzhu in front of the Ghost Valley contingent – there’s gotta be some political implications to that. Horseback riding! The way WKX keeps holding (up) ZZS! Lol at WKX being all, you all can leave now, we can take our honeymoon alone from here! ZZS knew he would come (I told you so)! Their smiles! Their soft little faces! (Merciless killers! How so fucking adorable?) The hairpin! MARRIED, Y’ALL. Censorship? I don’t know her. ANYWAY, that’s all just a bunch of flailing reaction to the first almost 20 minutes of emoporn. Also, Zhang Zhehan, you should not do suffering so pretty. It makes me feel like a bad person for still enjoying your face so much when your character is in so much physical and emotional distress.

Secondly, show. We need to talk. You should not be this opaque. I’m trying to piece together everything that’s happened in (vaguely) chronological order:

Sometime before dying (before breaking his heart meridians?), Han Ying tells Wen Kexing about the Four Seasons Remnants back with Prince Jin. All of Ep 30 happens, with Zhou Zishu and Xie Wang both making a mess of Awful Prince’s/Yifu’s plans. Xie Wang, the rest of the Scorpions, and the Ghost Valley team retreat back to a lair. Which lair? Who knows, at this point. Cao Weining talks to Fan Shishu. (He explicitly tells this to A-Xiang.) But does he also confront Mo Huaiyang? Because I feel like it must be significant that we get the same turn of phrase to describe Zhao Jing’s relationship with Xie Wang – asking a tiger for its skin – from Mo Huaiyang to Fan Shishu, and then attributed to Cao Weining when A-Xiang quotes it to WKX in the same ep. The show even emphasizes this for us to catch by drawing attention to A-Xiang’s use of it via her struggle to remember the idiom properly. (A. This episode’s convo between Mo Huaiyang and Fan Shishu, which is when we see Mo Huaiyang actually use the idiom, happens AFTER Cao Weining and Gu Xiang leave Gentle Wind Sword Sect. I went back and checked, and it is Mo Huaiyang who uses it, not Fan Shishu. B. In this same convo, Fan Shishu says he still needs to explain all this to the disciples somehow, so C. Was there a prior, unseen convo between just Cao Weining and Mo Huaiyang in which Mo Huaiyang practiced his excuses on poor, hapless Cao Weining first?)

Anyway, Cao Weining then goes to A-Xiang, who’s lit. and fig. in the dark at this point, in her rustic cabin outside the gated community. I notice Cinnamon Roll already has his bag packed. He is done. He lays out the current political web, and A-Xiang seems pretty sure of Liu Qianqiao’s ultimate loyalty to WKX. This is probably important in what happens next. Gu Xiang and Cao Weining decide to run away and elope but then … get captured and taken to the lair. On purpose? A-Xiang did see Liu Qianqiao with Xie Wang in the Secret Cave, standing shoulder to shoulder with Du Pusa as an apparent top-tier henchwoman, and she probably expects to be protected, but this seems like a pretty big gamble. I suppose you don’t survive the Ghost Valley without learning to take some risks. A-Xiang then leads Xie Wang and the Ghost Valley contingent to WKX (at burned-down Four Seasons Manor?) to, she says, let WKX take down Xie Wang. She notes Xie Wang’s use of some potion to control everyone – I assume the Drug Man potion, and I assume the monthly antidote is what’s keeping everyone in the Ghost Valley from going full Drug Man?

WKX and Xie Wang confer in secret. Probably about how much they both hate Awful Yifu. I mean, I assume Xie’er still hates Awful Yifu at this point, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? Probably a key point here: WKX is hiding whatever this was about from his husband. My dude, why are you still like this? I guess that explains the pained cast to that tiny little smile earlier. WKX then takes some of the Ghost Valley contingent and coordinates with the Four Seasons Remnants back in Prince Jin’s territory to rescue ZZS. Husband safely rescued, WKX now heads back to Ghost Valley, to … abdicate? He promises A-Xiang he’s going to come back safely, and my dude, I’m trying to believe you. I really am. I’m trying to have as much faith in you planning to be back all along as I had in ZZS not planning to die in Jin Palace all along, but here’s a key difference: HE LET YOU IN ON HIS PLAN. Which you were a key part of. I find your secrecy, by contrast, concerning.

Other things:

Love the little moment between Gu Xiang and Liu Qianqiao and Luo Fumeng when Beauty Ghost and Tragicomic Ghost turn to Xie Wang in righteous indignation and want to know what the fuck he thinks he’s doing to their little girl. Compare the reaction of these two moms to Happy Ghost being all, “Nope, this is a complete and total in with Wen Kexing right here in a pretty pink dress.” The show continues to draw a fairly bright line between the characterization of the women in the Department of the Unfaithful - who are terrorizing certain people, true, but also watching out for each other after ending up down on their luck – and the general run of men in Ghost Valley, who are basically rotten sociopaths straight out of Batman’s rogues gallery and will sell you out in a minute for their own gain. Yes, this has been made fairly explicit in Wen Kexing’s and A-Xiang’s commentary in past eps and later in this ep about trying to get the Department of the Unfaithful out of the line of fire while not caring if the jianghu burns down the rest of Ghost Valley, but this isn’t just favoritism or a whim, just some fond memories of Luo Fumeng being kind to them a couple of times in the past. I think there’s some commentary here on the kind of men who are so far gone they find themselves outside the bounds of “civilized” society and the kind of women who do – how much easier and quicker it is for a woman, that it could be any woman in the wrong circumstances, and how much further gone a man has to be than a woman to be considered a “devil.” We’ve seen these supportive interpersonal relationships among the women since Gu Xiang “adopted” her two girls in the first handful of episodes and told off Lovelace with the threat of Tragicomic Ghost – and the show is continuing to show it, not just tell it. It’s one of the things I’ve found frustrating about Wen Kexing a couple of times in past eps, when he’s trying to get A-Xiang’s two girls, or other women from the Department, to just leave and go do something else – I feel like even though WKX realizes their circumstances and their personalities are different from the rest of his Top Ten Devils, he’s not fully comprehending that they literally have nowhere else to go, that if they had any other options, they wouldn’t have ended up there in the first place. He called the two girls “puppies” when he talked about A-Xiang having to take care of them, but as Ghost Valley master, who’s enforced the independence of and protections for the Department of the Unfaithful, he’s walking away from his own basketful of puppies. Not to mention, this is one of the vanishingly small places in this particular version of the jianghu that we’ve seen women have any autonomy and power. I … think there may have been a few young female cultivators in Yueyang Sect, but while I’d have to go back and watch to be sure, I remember the Hero’s Conference being a whole bunch of men throwing their … weight around. Anyway, I also love that it looks like A-Xiang tries to kick Happy Ghost in the shin, because of course she does.

Visually, they had a cool thing going on there with the Tian Chuang behind WKX falling in concert with WKX lowering his fan, but they didn’t quite coordinate it enough, and then they cut away too soon. Bah. It was set up to be a very cool visual, if only they had committed to it. Meanwhile Duan Pengju, this asshole, omg. He’s trying to pull off the Collar of Evil and is not succeeding. Srsly, his Collar of Evil is droopy. It doesn’t stop him from monologuing like he’s the actual villain and not some sad-sack lackey. You showed the correct amount of amused disdain during your interaction, but I can’t believe you left him alive at the end of it, Wen Kexing.

I wasn’t really feeling Jing Beiyuan and Wu Xi up until this ep when Jing Beiyuan was teasing A-Xiang about her lack of shame over running away with her lover. OK, fine, you can stay, Qi Ye. Also, wow. Speaking of lack of shame, I can’t believe you just accused your husband of bride kidnapping right in front of everyone’s salads, because that is totally what just happened there.

So the band is (almost all) back together, minus Chengling, who has definitely found out in the worst possible way that one of his dads is the terrifying master of the Ghost Valley that massacred his family and sect. So, this should go well.

Lol at Xie’er lounging in Wen Kexing’s Ghost Valley master seat like some kind of consort. He’s already got a husband, Xie’er. One that would not be happy with a concubine running around, I think. I do wonder what the full scope of their plan/understanding is, bubbling away under this stare-down.

A note – WKX’s hair is styled differently in this ep in the Ghost Valley master scenes than it has been before. Previously, those side bangs were further forward and a little bit chunkier, which, I think, narrowed his face and also helped emphasize the wild-eyed look. They’re wispier and back further, now, which I think softens his face, even when he’s trying to look imposing. Makes him look more, dare I say, human.

And now, I’m going to go have a few Han Ying/Bi Xingming thoughts, actually. God, those months after ZZS left, can you imagine what that was like for them? Han Ying having watched those nails placed in Bi Xingming’s shifu in the first ep, and then having to turn around and go to Bi Xingming and tell him that ZZS was gone, with the seven nails in him? Both of them trying to hold the Four Seasons Remnants together – and then Ying-ge comes back one day and says he’s found ZZS? Mutual aid and comfort, my dudes. Also some projection. I’m just sayin’. Meet me, I guess - this kind of sideline action and extremely rare pair thing is how I tend to roll.

[nightswithkookmin]

JIKOOK AND THEIR SHENANIGANS-pt1

Disclaimer:

This is my opinion and perspective of Jikook. I do not intend nor imply malice by my choice of words or by my interpretations of BTS' contents. Nor do I intend to be disrespectful of any member herein mentioned.

Do not take my words out of context in furtherance of your own agenda. You are the author of your own intentions and interpretations. If you do hold yourself accountable first.

PREFACE

I am done with with Jikook. Lol

I swear to God by the time they officially come out as a couple, if they ever do, I'm going to be left with severe PTSD.

Pray for me.

A lot has happened with Jikook these past few weeks. A devastating lot. Everything was going great and smooth and boom- we were hit with yet another anomaly in their dynamics. It was usual given us most of the things that had happened were entirely new to their dynamics yet not at all surprising in the grand scheme of things simply because unpredictability is Jikook's schtik and as I've come to terms with, part of their dynamics- you'll get used to it if you are new. Welcome to the club. Lol

I have shared snippets of my thoughts here and there on this whole development as and when it unfolded and said I wasn't going to deliver a comprehensive commentary until later so here it is- grab a glass of wine or coffee. It's gonna be long. Bless.

WHY I WAS HOLDING BACK

Contrary to what some people say and assume about me, I don't pull my opinions on Jikook from my ass- a dollar to the jar. Lol. I don't base my perspective on Jikook's relationship and dynamics on puff and nada. Where is the fun in that? I may be delusional about somethings but... Anywho.

I have said time and again how when it comes to Jikook moments there's always context and subtexts we are missing- it's a challenge trying to fill in the gaps. Probably part of the reason I'm obsessed with their dynamics. Lol.

Most of the theories I share with you on here are based on my observations of Jikooks interactions over a period of time. My objective has always been to try and understand the motivations (context) behind their moments and interactions, some of which I find fit a pattern while others- I never want to tackle or even think about without several pain killers and depressants until years later when a piece of content is released to provide better insights into their dynamics.

Jimin's birthday is one such moment for me. While I understood and even predicted JM's use of 5/8 in May this year was going to be a substitute for May 13 because I felt Jikook were not in a good place, were under heavy scrutiny in SK within that time period- starting with that March 30th VLive which I believe had led to a ban on Jikook using the platform on their own(especially Jimin- JK was already under ban but we will get into it later) given as BTS's content had changed drastically with heavy VLive supervision and the pg 13 contents they were made to make post that JM's VLive; then there was rumors of Dispatch's alleged conflict with BigHit, BigHit's IPO, Jungkook's Itaewon scandal- which of course were all confirmed later on that month, I felt the prospect wasn't looking good for Jikook to Jikook as wildly and as openly as they did.

Now you all know about my wild assumption about JM taking space out of their relationship due to JK coming on strong around that time so I'll spare the details.

Contrastingly, post BigHit's IPO, post Soop since Stay Gold era I felt things were looking great for Jikook. They were back to Jikooking. I felt they weren't being monitored as much by their bandmates and had a new found freedom within BigHit to do their own things as it appeared BigHit had begun 'managing' and presenting them as a brand- which I have written dissertations upon dissertations on so I won't get into.

JK and JM had started their online flirty banter thingy, even Dispatch seemed good with Bighit posting BTS official photos etc. Jimin too posted for JK on his birthday, JK came out on social media to gear up for JM's birthday and then puff- ashes. We hit a wall.

Now I know some people are speculating there was too much attention on Jikook within this time frame which is why JK didn't post- uhhmm, I don't buy it that view. There's always attention on Jikook. It's usually the negative attention like around March-June that holds them back from Jikooking. In opinion. I wouldn't call the attention they are or were getting within that time period negative.

Then there were some who speculated JK wasn't going to post because he hadn't posted for any of the members since Jin's birthday last year which again I didn't buy into. Jk is fearless and doesn't shy aware from making bold expressions of his love for Jimin. Him posting for Jimin would have been a bold move but nothing exactly new.

We've seen his GCFs. Enough said.

Personally, I felt he had showed up on social media a few days to JM's birthday to promote his music but to also prepare the grounds for when he posts on Jimin's birthday.

I genuinely felt he was gonna 'out' Jimin with that post and have people raising all kinds of brows like they did with GCF Tokyo, Saipan and Helsinki. Lol

Why did I think he was going to do this?

DECEMBER 4TH 2019

Jin's birthday. Now I have given y'all the back ground to this timeline and so I will just hit the highlights- Rosebowl, New Jersey VLive, JK getting drunk on his Jun VLive which I felt led to a ban on him from making solo live on VApp since 2019 to date- his recent Solo live was on YouTube mind you.

Prior to this I felt he and JM had earned a ban from making a VLive together until their 2020 VLive which was heavily monitored as I have speculated in past posts- again this is just my opinion.

JK, I felt, was being 'reckless' within this period. He was making bold moves and pushing the boundaries of his relationship with Jimin and even teasing the gates of the glass closet they are in. It certainly didn't help that the You too movement in S.K and the whole Idol sex abuse scandals in Kpop was on going as I've mentioned before-which had led to August's issues. Again you know my theory on the whole tattoo girl scandal so skipping.

October we had the whole cancel Jikook hashtag trending after Jikook's performance of I still want you and the whole you are me, I am you schtick.

In all of this I felt Jikook were fine.

November is when I noticed Jikook having 'issues' in their relationship (rolling my eyes at Silver) lol. Now again I won't go into all of that but you can check the real time contents/ behind scenes content on BTS around the time period and draw your own conclusions on that.

Then came the December ups and downs, JM flinching and dropping his face when JK went to sit by him in Jin's VLive- JK's awkwardness around Jimim. Now I know some people interpret this Live as that they were fighting? I won't call it fight fight perse. Lol. Issues, perhaps?Just seemed to me JM wanted to keep a low profile because again they were under heavy public scrutiny around the time which was what I feel was causing RM to keep an eye on them throughout that period- by keeping an eye on them I mean he was invoking the spirit of Jesus between them Pentecostal style. Bless him.

But seems JK wasn't having none of that, clearly. Lmho. There were already alot of restrictions on him since June in the way he used social media(Vapp) he and JM were not allowed to VLive together, he couldn't solo Vlive no more and now he couldn't even sit right with his man- I approve of the frying pans Jk. I APPROVE. Lol.

All this is my opinion of course.

But I think that is what he meant when he kept saying it's been a while he did a solo live and didn't even know how to do one anymore in his recent YouTube live- Jk can be passive aggressive in that way but we will get into that YouTube live in a bit. Hang in there.

So with all this going on I felt I understood him when he missed Jin's birthday on Twitter. Felt like a silent protest to me. But then again I thought perhaps it was just an impulsive act on his part.

Then he missed Tae's Birthday too and I thought hold on- this man is up to something. He was gonna a statement with that in retaliation to all the ban and sanctions and interferences with his personal life.

I was just following this whole drama with anxious glee towards a big reveal and then- cricket's ass ass deadass. Chilee. This man is cruel! Lol. I'm gonna need therapy to process this one on god! Lol JK!

My Right brain said perhaps, others had been right after all and he hadn't done all of that missed birthdays on purpose at all but had only acted impulsively in the heat of the moment given everything that had been going on with the group in around Jin's birthday- Mama 2019, we all know what had happened.

I felt perhaps, the moment he missed Jin's then he had to miss everyone's because if he wished any other person a happy birthday people were going to ask questions. People were going to assume he hated whoever he didn't wish a happy birthday.

But then my left brain- the crazy delulu side, also thought otherwise. I had a funny feeling that JK really intended to post only for Jimin on his birthday since he had been gearing up for it and that the only reason he wouldn't go through with it was if JM had asked him not to.

Why would JM do that? Because he enjoys the glass closet- he loves to flex his bond with JK, tease their relationship, claim his man, he wants people to know JK is his man because he is happy with him and proud of the man that he is but that doesn't mean he is ready to come out as LGBTQ plus. In my opinion.

JK I feel was done hiding the moment he posted GCF in Saipan- he gets right with us. Bless him.

JK often weaponizes their 'secret' against Jimin and hold's it over his head sometimes- so often when Jimin is on his Kumbaya agenda with the group taking their sides on things relating to their relationship JK switches on him and tries to expose Jimin- if you're just gonna help them burn us, I'm just gonna blow the whole operation out in the open and we are all going down. Chilee!

God, I felt Jk was going to expose Jikook for real! 🤣 Don't mess with JK and his Jimin- even Jimin himself gets burns sometimes.

Remember when JK threatened to expose a picture of himself with a hickey if JM didn't stay and do a VLive with him? Remember that? JK scares me for real when he is on his Jikook agenda! Lol

I felt he knew exactly what he was doing just as he knew exactly what he was doing with Saipan and editing of Helsinki. He just reiterated it in his recent live- which we will get into soon. He pointed out how he had gone to ask the members to describe the feelings they wanted to express through the MV he directed.

He admitted yet again in that live how he expresses his feelings, HIS FEELINGS, through his art and music- for all those who keep saying you can't tell JK loves JM just because he doesn't do the things JM does. Lmho.

And so I was heavily confused by these two conflicting theories in my brain. Which is why I kept saying I didn't want to jump into conclusions, that I was going to need more content yadda yadda yadda.

Which brings me to my resolution for JM's birthday saga.

POST JIMIN'S BIRTHDAY

Jimin enjoys been treated special. It's part of his love language. Jk has always treated him like he is special to him. And I know people claim it's just a birthday post- sure. But I understand also that Jimin doesn't Joke with his birthday. His father doesn't Joke with his birthday and clearly neither does JK- given as even before they all started the exchanging of gifts culture that he was giving presents to JM and JM alone within the group.

Besides, he's said he reads the members birthday messages to him on social media and have gone ahead to read some of them on his birthday Vlives in the past. So I can't say JK not posting was nothing.

My resolution was simple. I was going to examine their interactions post Jimin's birthday to see if their dynamics had flipped to see if JK not posting for JM's birthday had in anyway affected their relationship.

If JM's birthday meant something to him. Jk was going to make it up to him- openly. Deadass but in my opinion. Lol.

That's one aspect of Jikook's dynamics you can always count on- hopefully. Lol.

They have a way of reassuring eachother of their love and affection. And I don't know what happened to put the fear of God in both of them but lord are they both scared of pissing the other off! Jesus! Not sure if it's the whippery but damn- they are both crazy for that.

For instance, take JinMin's VLive right before the New Jersey Vlive. JM posted immediately after their live had ended to say he is sorry and loves JK on Twitter. And y'all saw him when JK panned to him on the bed? I've never seen a man so terrified of another man in my entire shipping life- Manila must have put the fear of JK in him, which THANK GOD! lol. Jimin plays too much. Lmho.

Never knew a hyung needed permission from a dongsaeng to leave a room until that day. Chileee! Jin had pulled a prank on JK too but I didn't see him wetting his pants and blowing kithes to JK- come at me with Jinkook is real, see what happens. Lol

Then GCF in Tokyo! I know to some it seemed like a random act of confession on JK's part but boy did he have motivation! He don stressed JM out to the ends of the world with those weird ass rumors (again not gonna mention it because it's very controversial 'saesangs' nature) if you know good for you but chilee you didn't hear it here. Lol

Then there was that whole photoshoot and JM looking like he wanted to kill JK lol right around August 2017. Which I have discussed in one of my blog posts. I think it's in a lot of jeonlous. I'll link it later- if I find it.

Then the almighty 2019 Tattoo Girl scandal, I'm not talking about the August scandal. I'm talking about the one on JM's birthday last year which launched the severe 'I am sorry' hashtags in JK's post on JM's birthday. In my opinion definitely.

The Tattoo girl's shop had wanted until Jimin's birthday, almost a month after the incident, to release a statement which blew up the incident again and almost overshadowed JM's birthday.

Chilee, the delulu in me felt that was intentional. They just wanted to hurt JK by ruining his man's birthday for him- never let him forget. Lol. These evil masterminds. Chilee!

In my opinion. Please.

My point is, JM and JK do make out in efforts to fix their relationship. And usually, I find whoever is in the wrong takes the most initiatives- not to say all the GCFs was because of a fight. Personally I take Saipan and Helsinki more seriously than Tokyo. Just saying.

And of course we all saw JM fly all the way from Paris on JK's birthday- talk of grand gestures and extending Olive branches. Chilee, I'm single!

I was going to wait till I could see who was reassuring who after JM's birthday to see who was in the 'wrong' know what I mean? Like who is putting in more effort to let us know they are a thing?

After their March/May shenanigans that was JK with the thirst traps and shit on Weverse, which brought JM around and he started opening up taking initiatives of his own like in the Dynamite MV reaction VLive.

Afterwards it all seemed pretty mutual to me and they were vibing. Jikook was a Vibe. Sigh.

THE PHOTOSHOOT SAGA

Now I know some people assert they don't see the 'tensions' in that behind the scenes photoshoot but we would have to agree to disagree on that because I saw that as tension between Jikook as I explained in my last post.

Jk walked right past and around Jimin without a word- chileee. JM was 'extroverted' with everyone but Jk- chilee chileee. This is weird as fuck. Lmho.

Prior to this shoot I had my eyes on Tae, RM Jk due to the Twitter war that I felt was going on between them in the days leading up to the concert. If they had anything to do with JK not posting on JM's birthday it was gonna leave trails.

Jk loves everyone but fuck with his relationship with his man and you're- poor Namjoon. Lol.

I refrained from discussing the photoshoot video or conceptualizing a theory around it because for the love of me I couldn't tell who was mad at who in that footage.

They all seemed equally mad to me. Jk had his usual don't fuck with my man mood on with that glare he gave RM causing RM to back away from JM and that attitude he gave Jin right after- which I have already speculated on in my last post.

The stare down contest between him and JM was equally nerve wracking and reminded me of that interview stare down contest between Jikook around Manila.

And I know I mentioned the 'elite' squad backing up Jimin in that moment. Chilee, I was too tired to explain that term because I had been writing for a whole day nonstop but that is the term I give to RM, Hobi, Jin as the hyungs/ elders who enable JM's shenanigans most often in the group.

JK usually pans them down when he and JM are going at it.

I feel Tae, JK, Suga are the ones that stay on JM's neck and calls his bull the most out of all the boys- Y'all don't wanna know what I call them. Lol. Perhaps, I should call them Silver? Chilee, girl don stayed my neck, put the fear of Moses in me! Lol

It felt as if, whatever the problem was, they both had an interest at stake in that moment in my opinion and they were battling it out. Besides, 5 days had gone by and for the love of me I had no idea why that mood was still persisting especially if it had anything to do with Jimin's birthday.

But I understand JM had been away with his family after the concert and had spent his birthday with his family so perhaps they couldn't resolve things within that time period. And JK it seemed had also thrown himself into work from what he said on his YouTube Live, filming and directing and shit- good for him. JM's wedding suit won't buy itself. Lol

So now the Jikook Solo lives.

JIKOOK SOLO LIVES

Now y'all know I was waiting for this one. I told y'all I was waiting to see how BTS interacted with the VApp post Soop. Y'all know my conspiracy theory on this- the whole Jikook were banned from using it, JK was banned after his last VLive in June last year and how JM was banned in March this year after JK intercepted Jin's call and asked him on a date and said the whole I love you kithes thingy- they are trouble.

Then I talked about how JK had been trying to rebel in retaliation, the whole team up with Tae to expose BigHit on Weverse after their live.

I don't think much has changed in that regard. He still didn't do his Live on the VApp and through out his YouTube live he kept hinting at how BigHit had sabotaged his passion- he claimed he had lost his passion for GCF( at least that's how I took it) and that GCF felt more like work than something he did out of passion.

He threw jabs here and there at BigHit complaining about how he didn't even know how to do them Live logs anymore because it had been a while he did them- the lies Jeon Jungkook ne spilling! You was on a live with RM not too long ago what do you mean it's been long! *smirk.

Jimin did the same thing too but in a more subtle way I feel. He kept saying how he didn't know his way around the app, how the staff had set it up for him and JK said the same thing-but more aggressively. Lol.

It seems JK was just going to turn on the Live, keep it business and yeet himself out of there- just like people want him to do(to be professional and not expose his relationship- chileee, JK is that too much to ask? Sigh.

JK is really passive aggressive like the Silver Squad- see what I did there? Lol. Tae and Suga have taught him well. It's that control thingy, I feel. He hates it. He hates when he is controlled by anyone- except Jimin apparently.

He really enjoys and wants the freedom to do what he wants- rather dead than cool. Chilee! It's how he was raised I believe. He is a very independent free spirited individual, I keep saying.

All that, "it's awkward' 'it's been awhile I did this' yea he ain't slick. *smirk.

Another interesting thing I noticed is how both him and JM tried to keep the other's name out of their mouths- well Jimin tried. Dude couldn't help himself bless him.

I just think they have been cautioned to keep a really low profile on the app especially in regards to how they use the app, what they share on the app- no eye fucking, no weird tensions staring into eachother's souls, no I love you's in the background and certainly NO BONERS!

All in all, my impression of those two Lives was that- Jimin had baited BigHit when he posted that 'see you soon on VApp.' In my opinion.

I think he did that to force BigHit's hands. Jk did the same with his 'I can't do live logs on my own now' statement.

Jimin had put BigHit in a tight corner when he read that 'I miss Jungkook' comment. And the way he kept it pushing afterwards- the next day BigHit was like, y'all this is Simba. Hair slicked back and all. Take him. Lol.

I keep saying the one thing BigHit is scared of is a scandal. They really don't want people asking certain questions that's going to make them look bad especially towards their artists- in my opinion. BigHit please it's my opinion. Let the records show. Lol.

And as I keep saying, BTS and even Jikook have a way of weaponizing their social media Influence against BigHit- that nearly 9 million viewers Jimin read out on his VLive certainly gave BigHit a push to call out JK. Lol.

Personally, I was curious as I said earlier as to how that VLive was going to be live. Whether it was going to be monitored heavily like their lives were after the March 30th incident.

I was curious to see if he would appear on YouTube or VApp. As it stands, it seems whatever ban was placed on JM from having Solo Lives on the App has been lifted

And it seems he was fighting for his man too in the most kumbaya way possible- Jimin! Lolololol. He is hilarious. Bless him

I just hope JK doesn't call in on JM's future VLives again to ask him on a date- again cos damn that would chaotic. Lol.

It's crazy to me how people still look at JK and ask if he loves JM at all- damn if he isn't carrying their relationship on his back!

It seems for now he still isn't allowed a solo VLive on the App and from the Way he kept saying he couldn't do a log alone it seems he is pushing to have that freedom to have a VLive with JM again- I don't know. I might be delulu. Lol

As to whether JK was the wrong party for not posting on JM's birthday I still don't know. Would have to observe their interactions a bit more.

So far from their lives the only one who was making efforts to feed us was Jimin with the whole 10/13 Mickey Mouse thingy which we all know is reference to Jikook.

If my hypothesis is right, JM would be coming out here with heart eyes, clinging to JK, making all the efforts while JK has the mood he had during the On era again- acting like he not whipped but he whipped- bless him.

Sigh.

All that being said, this is just my opinion. I'm just sharing my thoughts and observations. I am not calling anyone to action. I am not instructing anyone on what to do with my opinion, to hate on BigHit, or any of the members mentioned in here.

If you are not an adult, and can't reason like an adult do not sit at the adult table. Immaturity is not a bar to freedom of expression.

CONCLUSION

When it comes to Jikook, I always feel JK has put in so much effort into his relationship with Jimin to squander all that effort over something as silly as a birthday post.

Jikook have both worked through a lot, come a long way in their love journey to let petty issues undo all the efforts they've both put into eachother.

If JM's birthday is an issue for JM, JK would have made it right by now. All it takes it one simple post to fix it. And he has taken much bolder steps in the past to chicken out now.

And if Jimin is the one holding JK then- dude better prepare another Paris trip to placate his man because JK about to pout him to death. Lol.

As I said I have a feeling things are good between them now. I just want to see more of their interactions.

Keep supporting Jikook.

Signed,

GOLDY

[starkerintheparker]

starker reclist - PWP

What better way to celebrate RDJ’s bday than spreading some pwp love, amirite :D I decided to just share these without the usual commentary because there are only so many ways to praise hot smut and I’m not that well versed in English lol. Some fics are plottier, some are porn with feels, others are unapologetic filth. Suffice to say they are all sublime and top notch wanking material, 10/10 recommend. Please mind the tags and stay safe. Happy meals! 😈

Last updated: April 25th, 2020. All new additions will be marked with ***

• a little bit scandalous by @paspleurer (3k, completed)

Summary: “What do you think about dessert? I’m thinking the creme brulee, but—”

“You could eat my ass,” says Peter. "After you've already come inside of it."

Tony sets the menu down on the table with jarring force.

• A Special Love by @darker-soft-starker (completed) 

Summary: ��You know - the thing where I tell you that I’m too old to be kissed on the lips,” Peter answers, reaching out linking their hands together over the gearstick. "Where I tell you none of the other fathers kiss their sons like we do and isn’t it weird?”

Author’s warning: Incest roleplay (no actual incest), semi-public sex, exhibitionism, public foreplay, armour kink, slight incidental daddy kink, nff. 

• Babysitter (AU) by @readysetstarker (5.4k, completed)

Summary: Tony was desperate. Ten minutes before he was supposed to leave for work, brushing his daughter’s hair in the bathroom and promising her a fun day at the zoo with her babysitter (he had already paid for the tickets online, the receipt for them sitting on the counter), he had gotten the call that she wouldn’t be showing up. He needed to be at work to negotiate a deal with investors, they needed him there, but she had been adamant about not showing up and hung up on him mid-plea.

• Ballerina!Peter and Construction worker!Tony (AU) by @starkerforlife6969 (completed) Part 2 is winterironspider

Author’s warnings: mild dub con (super mild, Peter turns out to be a mega-slut and we love it), innocent peter, feminisation, multiple orgasms, rimming, mild cock warming, mild cock-slapping. 

• Berries and Cream by @stfustucky (5k, completed)

Summary: There's no way in hell they're going to fit all the Avengers into two cars, not unless Peter sits on Tony's lap. And there's no way in hell Tony is going to survive the ride all the way back to the tower unless Peter stops squirming like that. Unfortunately for Tony, Peter doesn't seem inclined to sit very still tonight. Whoops.

• Breaking Character (AU) by @cagestark (8k, completed)

Summary: Tony Stark, billionaire, playboy, philanthropist, and spy for SHIELD. Working with another SHIELD spy, the infamous Spider, he will take down an infamous human trafficking ring in New York. But the act they have to put on will demand more from Tony than he ever thought he'd have to give. Not that he minds.

• Bruisable and Sweet by @bloomblood (completed)

Summary: Tony has a meal in Peter’s humble, college dormitory bed.

• Captured (AU) by @areluctantsblog (1k, completed)

Summary: In another a universe, reluctant as he may be, Peter Parker has to find out that being Spider-Man inevitably means being a celebrity, too. As far as he’s concerned, the only good thing resulting from this is that from time to time he gets the chance to lay eyes on the fashion industry’s most handsome face, that of photographer Tony Stark’s. When one day Peter is sent on a photo-shoot with the living legend, things take an interesting turn.

• Coming Untouched by @starker-stories (4k, completed)

Summary: 

“So, is it true?”

“Which thing? I presume you stood there, outside the door, eavesdropping on our entire conversation,” Peter said, miffed.

“That you can make yourself come without touching yourself even once during your… session?”’

• Context Clues (A/B/O) by Anonymous (8k, completed) 

Summary: Peter is crying. Those had been FRIDAY's exact words, and the reason Tony had run upstairs and bypassed the privacy lock on the kid's door. Context is kind of everything.

• Desperado (AU) by @starkercrossedlovers (completed) 

Summary:  Desperado Tony come to town and takes Peter with him when he goes.

• Drabbles by @starkerforlife6969 (290k, ongoing)

Summary: These are all starkerforlife6969’s tumblr drabbles/stories in one collection, aside from the Mafia Boss One. Mostly starker, but there will be winterspider and spidershield and spiderstrange.

• Eight Stops (to make you mine) (A/B/O) by @starkerkeyz and @the-mad-starker (9k, completed) 

Summary: He clutches onto the alpha's forearm and gives Tony another nip, harsher with his spiked up desires. "Eight stops," he tells the alpha, "that's all the time we got. Think that's enough…?" They can only have a quickie but Peter thinks it just might be the best sex he's ever going to get. He gives the alpha's cock another squeeze, trying to convince him to say yes. "Plenty." Tony unbuckles Peter's pants one handed, smirking against pale skin. He rubs his stubble into the omega's lightly bitten scent gland just to rile him up.

• From Across the Bar by @readysetstarker (3k, completed)

Summary: Tony took a slow sip and listened to a pair of new broadcasters talk about upcoming sports games and a player’s most recent scandal about steroid use. He couldn’t have cared less, personally, but there was nothing else on and he wasn’t really here to watch television. Not if the cute brunette trying to scope him out without being noticed had anything to say about it. 

• From Thy Bounty by @ibby-writes and feyrelay (30k, completed)

Summary: Tony’s eyes are always dark, but now there's almost no iris left. He looks hollowed out. There’s something terribly hungry there, despite the feast they've filled themselves on.

• Further Assistance by @learned-foot (4k, completed)

Summary: Besides, it would be unethical not to tell Peter what he saw, right? He’s pretty sure that would violate some sort of boundary. And if the kid wants to go down the path of creative experimentation, it’s kind of Tony’s duty to make sure he does it safely. He basically has to help.

• half doomed and you’re semi sweet by noctiphany (2k, completed) underage

Summary: “Peter,” Tony says, his tone flat, and Peter shudders. “Peter,” Tony says again, impatient and with a hint of threat. “I’m waiting.

• Heal Me by Mezzymet (7k, completed)

Summary: His love for the man probably bordered on hero worship but....you could love someone and not be in love with them. Obviously.

• I could be your whore, Mr. Stark by @stfustucky (10k, completed)

Summary: Peter needs a cover story for his shady behavior as Spidey, and half the school thinks he's an escort anyways, so Peter just leans into the rumors. Tony, being the good friend and teammate that he is, agrees to corroborate the cover story by letting everyone think Peter is his own personal slut. 

• Indulge Me by @learned-foot (370 words, completed)

Summary: Peter likes it best when Mr. Stark is rough and taking. Read it together with Under Someone Else.

• Jealousy is Ugly (Except When It's Not) by @yadds (4k, completed) 

Summary: Peter has a boyfriend. Tony can't stand it. 

• Kinktober 2019 by @readysetstarker (38k, completed)

The whole list is amazing, my personal favorites are the glorious upskirt/semi public sex (ch 6). the  breathtaking mirror sex (ch 7) and the sweet praise kink (ch 9).

• Just a little bit, just enough by @bitter-lemon-water (25k, completed)

Summary: So somewhere in between devastation, uncertainty, fear and disconcertment—Peter settles. Alternatively: Tony pulls. (Peter lets him.) (Peter wants him to.)

• Just Listen to Me by LeafyGreenQueen773 (3k, completed)

Summary: After the spider bite, Peter's senses are “dialed to eleven”. That includes in bed. Peter talks Tony through what feels best to him. 

• Later for later by @unsettledink (15k, completed) sex pollen, top!Peter 

Summary: “You,” Peter says, again, mouthing at Tony's skin. “I want you. I trust you. This is a terrible, terrible idea, Tony knows. The worst. And yeah he's normally all for terrible ideas, but this is… no. (The one where Peter gets hit with a sex drug, and Tony is not prepared for this shit.)

• Me, You & A Tattoo by @starkeristheendgame (4k, completed)

Summary: Peter gets Tony's name tattooed on his ass after a not-bet with MJ. Really, it was just a matter of time before Tony found out.

• Morning (A/B/O) by @starkerstarkerstarker (completed)

Summary: Peter’s breath hitches, eyes on him like he expected him to do more, but when he doesn’t, when all he does is lift a brow, he frowns, his bottom lip pushing out. “If you want something, princess, go ahead.”

• No Control by @paspleurer (500 words, completed)

Summary: Mr. Stark’s conditions are simple— no touching himself, and no talking. And Peter wants to be good, he really does— but his senses make it so hard.

• Paint my Body Gold by @spidey-stuff (14 k, completed)

Summary: Tony is desperate to rid himself of his inappropriate attraction before the last barrier holding him back crumbles as Peter's 18th birthday rapidly approaches.

• Perfect by @learned-foot (639 words, completed)

Summary: There are a lot of things that should make Peter embarrassed right now, starting with the fact that the first time Mr. Stark kissed him—about half an hour ago, though it feels like another world—he came in his pants within seconds.

• Peter in Heat (A/B/O) by @starkerforlife6969 (completed)

Summary:  Peter’s presenting and Tony knows exactly how to take care of him.

• Red Light District series (AU) by @starker-stories (17k, ongoing)

Summary: Everyone knows that Tony Stark is a playboy who has dozens of women passing through his life and through his bed. What everyone doesn't know is that Tony Stark is deeply closeted, longing for something he can't ever have -- a life and a love with another man.

• Reversal by @learned-foot (4k, completed)

Summary: Sometimes, Tony is the one who needs to be praised.

• Still Use Work by @learned-foot (6.5k, completed)

Summary: Peter has a problem. Tony attempts to solve it. To be helpful, obviously. That’s the only reason.

• Sweet for me, my Honeybee by garbagesinboy (10k, completed)

Summary: Peter's got a sweet tooth, and Tony's got a problem. In which Peter Parker consumes way more sugar than the average human ever should, and Tony Stark suffers many many boners.

• Tremolo by @lilsoshie and @marvlouse (4k, completed)

Summary: “You’re gonna ride me,” Tony decides, easing his fingers free and cherishing the unhappy whine the move inspires. “Up, come on.” 

“Tony,” Peter says, a complaint, an exhausted plea.

• The Third Idea by @cagestark (12k, completed)

Summary: Tony walks in on Peter jerking off twice in one week, and realizes that his lover needs a little more from him. So he gives him less; a week without cumming should do it.

• This fire is out of control by feyrelay (2k, completed) sex pollen

Summary: There's really not enough room in their hiding spot to fuck, but Peter's temperature is rising from whatever they've been given, and Tony-Well, Tony's determined.

• Once Upon a Time, there was a Sloshed Bunny and a Guilty Man by @starkerchemistry (completed) 

Summary: drunk!Peter dirty talks Tony on the phone. 

• Up to Eleven by TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsG (15k, completed)

Summary: He watches those five minutes. Watches them again, and again. Tries to tell himself that he’s seeing something other than what FRIDAY is showing him.

• wasn’t built in a day by orphan_account (7k, completed) dubcon

Summary: Peter files “massive hard-on for Tony Stark” under “things I can’t tell Aunt May.” It’s tied at the top of the list with “I’m Spider-Man” and “I’m responsible for Uncle Ben’s death.”

• Weird by tuesday (2k, completed)

Summary: It wasn't weird, okay? A lot of people wanted to have sex with the Iron Man armor. A lot. There were entire forums and Instagram and Twitter accounts dedicated to it. There had been internet wars fought solely over which Mark was the sexiest. There was endless speculation over whether Tony Stark was among their number and whether and how he actually had outfitted one of the armors with the ability to make good on all that sleek, sexy promise.

It wasn't weird.

"It's a little weird," Tony said.

• what’s the point of a clear raincoat with no hood? by CarnivalGoldfish (7k, completed) 

Summary: Tony buys Peter clothes because he likes Peter wearing what he bought him. Peter realizes this is not normal.

*** when the world has dealt its cards by thisismydesignn (3k, completed) underage

Summary: Tony Stark has never claimed to be a role model, let alone a good influence. Case in point...

• You Learn Something New Every Day by @sbiderslut (4k, completed)

Summary: This man looks right at them and remarks, happily unaware of the kiloliter can of worms he just RPG-ed wide open, “The bond between you and Mr. Parker is truly remarkable, Tony. You could practically be father and son.”

• Your Eyes Only by tuesday (4k, completed)

Summary: It was an accident. Tony did not, as a rule, check up on Peter these days, and while he had kept the monitoring programs, they were there in case of emergency.

[sareesonscreen]

S1 E4: Saucy Deep Dives: Third Person SIngular Number

After spending the last two months watching and examining Bollywood hits, it’s been very exciting for us to introduce our audience to hits from all across South Asia. In this episode, we are thrilled to be watching a Bangladeshi favorite made by one of the most famous contemporary directors there.

Mostofa Sarwar Farooki came into the scene in the early 2000s, at a time when mainstream television and cinema largely existed either in the form of family entertainment or copy-pasted “hero’s journey” scripts made for quick consumption. 

This is where Farooki came in with his more casual and approachable filmmaking. His stories revolved around the relatable everyday struggles of ordinary people. This also meant utilizing colloquial language in his cinema (which was rare, given that the media at the time would only depict formal Bangla or a standard dialectical Bangla [for rural stories]). 

Third Person Singular Number (2009) was Farooki’s third movie, which solidified his position as one of the most notable contemporary directors in Bangladesh.

Third Person Singular Number is conceptualized as a fairytale-like story of Ruba (played brilliantly by Nusrat Imroz Tisha, Farooki’s partner, and long-time muse), who is confronted by the challenges of being a single woman in South Asia, after her partner (note, not husband lol) is sent to jail. Ruba struggles with constant harassment as she attempts to find housing and employment. The Prince Charming character of this movie comes to us in the form of Ruba’s childhood friend - Topu (a successful musician in Bangladesh, both in the movie and IRL), whose support helps in making Ruba feel safe. Her feelings for Topu force Ruba to engage with her conflicted relationship with her mother (who left her father for her lover) as well as her fidelity to her jailed partner.

One of the most remarkable things about the film is its deliberate focus on Ruba and how it centers her perspective - this is extremely apparent in the cinematography and Farooki being able to employ the feminine gaze aptly. The first half of the movie depicts at length the various ways in which women become victims of sexual assault - be it at home, in public, or in professional spaces.

There's this one scene in particular, where Ruba becomes hesitant to go to the police station as she recalls a news story from a couple of weeks ago where a woman was r*ped at one. A male gaze retelling of this would tell the audience through action - a flashback where the woman is facing violence, or perhaps when Ruba was reading the paper, or conversing about it with someone. But in this story, Farooki chose to make this woman materialize in front of Ruba and tell the story herself. Not only giving voice to an unnamed woman who had met a horrible fate, but also creating a moment of emotional connection between the two women. It humanized what is often just reduced to news headlines, statistics, or water filter conversations. There are hints throughout that she is an unreliable narrator. Resulting in the (spoiler alert!) the fairytale-esque second half of the movie. Fairytales, historical romances, and fan-fictions often serve as great mediums for social commentary, particularly on the dynamics of power (esp. geared towards women). The fact that the only escape available to Ruba from her bleak reality is an absurd Prince Charming figure speaks heavily to the harsh reality of the real Rubas of the world. For them, her ending would not be a possibility.

The use of space in the visuals of the film was also noteworthy, with Ruba being shown to feel trapped or caged in the company of predatory men (even including her own partner, whom she feels stifled by later in the film). This is often done through the use of close and medium shots, along with physical obstructions in the shot. Meanwhile, her relationship with Topu is shown to be much more affectionate and easy-going; this is depicted with a wide shot of the beautiful kashbons of Bashundhara. Not only was this technique used to remark on the state of Ruba’s mind (which is rare given that male directors rarely highlight women’s perspectives), it also commentated on the wider issue of South Asian women and how they are often made to feel small and struggle to find space (be it physically or metaphorically).

This beautiful work with space is further used to remark on the silence of the other women in the film (notably, Ruba’s cousin, friend, and mother). Unlike Ruba, the only woman with a voice (and the narrator, of course), these women are often seen in the confines of layered cage-like homes (with distinct obstructions like columns, furniture, etc. present in every layer). These characters, like their real-life counterparts, often exist in the crevices of their own homes and are stifled by the domineering presence of the patriarchal structures and insecurities around them.

The two noteworthy women characters (aside from Ruba) are her cousin and her mother. Both of whom we know very little about. However, in their fleeting moments on the screen, some of them make attempts to defy patriarchal structures around them in small but significant ways – Ruba’s mother by being courageous enough to follow her heart and leave a marriage and her cousin by helping Ruba despite her mother-in-law’s objections.

Another interesting thing is that despite Topu being Prince Charming, his character was given depth by not making him entirely selfless and sacrificial. Topu’s expectations were conveyed to the audience in a subtle but effective manner, using scenes like his outrage in the forest after Ruba backs out of having sex with him (though sex was never mentioned, only alluded to), as well as the ever-awkward buying condoms at a chemist shop (an entirely silent and secretive transaction, btw).

Ruba’s character in the film is shown to be determined, independent and tenacious even while she struggles with the oppressive realities of being a woman under patriarchy. One of the focal points of the movie is her strained relationship with her mother (who passes away, leaving no possibility of redemption or reconciliation ). The film uses an interesting technique of showing Ruba’s internal demons manifesting as younger versions of herself, hypothesized to be metaphors for her id (6-year-old Ruba), ego (present Ruba), and superego (13-year-old Ruba) as she battles over her feelings for Topu and consequently her feelings of resentment for her mother. Though her relationship with her mother is significant to Ruba’s evolution as a character, very little is shown of her mother and her motivations. Despite trying to give Ruba some semblance of closure with her mother at the end, the film falls short in creating multiple well-written women to enhance the story and the emotional connection to the characters.

We’ve also had the pleasure of having Raidah of Raidahcal on this episode. She does wonderful work addressing contemporary feminist issues in Dhaka, Bangladesh. While we all had different takes on the movie, it was wonderful to have Raidah’s unique insights and perspectives. Be sure to check her out. We’ve also had the pleasure of collaborating with her on her podcast Raidahcal in an episode exploring feminist economics – we would love for you to check it out as well!

She also asked us a question that made us pause a bit: Why are men given passes for not portraying women's realities accurately just because they are creating sophisticated art?

And this made us realize that there is a very thin line between centering a woman's perspective in a film, versus presenting an intrusively voyeuristic gaze to watch her struggle. Ultimately if the author of the art is not able to distinguish the two for everyone watching the movie, is all that nuance pointless? This ambiguity within the film became more clear to us as we left our own echo chambers and were faced with a wonderfully challenging guest and the realization that the film is sometimes as good as the viewer wants it to be.

Even on our Sauce Meter, this film fared better than some of our previous takes. Here’s a breakdown of our scores.

1. Is there at least one character who adds a nuanced representation of a diverse South Asian identity, without stereotyping and tokenization?  

Ruba, the protagonist of the film is a complex, well-rounded character and a woman – the film also uses an unfamiliar perspective by centering the story around the experiences of a woman vs a man (which is considered the default) – but she is one of the few non-male characters that get significant screen time, so not full points.

0.5

2. Are the primary characters (especially women and marginalized characters) portrayed with agency, individuality, and motivation?

Despite Ruba being limited by the sexist nature of the social structures around her – notably her struggle to find housing and employment as a single woman, she is shown to have agency and individual motivation – she is also shown to want autonomy and finds ways to assert herself despite inhibiting circumstances.

0.75

3. Are women and marginalized characters shown to be cognizant of their identities and how they exist within the social context?

Taking half a point off because there are limited representations of women and other marginalized characters, but the glimpses we get into other women apart from Ruba all seem to be painfully aware of how their choices and abilities are limited by oppressive patriarchal structures. Notably, her cousin despite having limited control over her life and household still tries to help Ruba, and Ruba herself has several moments where she points to the tribulations of being a woman in society.

0.5

4. Do the women and marginalized characters have meaningful relationships with each other?

While the women’s relationships with each other are not given a lot of screen time, they remain focal plot points. In particular, Ruba’s relationship with her mother is instrumental in the evolution of Ruba’s character and arguably even her liberation, however, the movie does not do these relationships complete justice and dedicates very little time to other women or marginalized characters in the movie.

0.25

5. Does it challenge any flawed notions upheld by capitalism, patriarchy, and the caste system?

The movie successfully subverts stereotypical representations of women and even defies traditional ideas of marriage and power dynamics between men and women and for that, it gets a full point!

1

TOTAL SCORE ON THE SAUCE METER: 3/5

What did you think of our rating of Third Person Singular Number? Did we reach too hard? Let us know!

- Usha and Rekha

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