#promise i won't let it hit the 1 year mark... /^\

[sequinsmile-x]

Burn Forever : Chapter One - Hope

She looks at herself in the mirror for a moment before she turns around, entirely overwhelmed by how her day had started in comparison to how it had ended. How she’d gone from waking up next to a man who she’d fallen out of love with several months ago to standing in the bathroom of the man she’d loved for years.

It's been months since they've spoken, but when Emily calls him, Aaron answers, and they spend December together as she picks up the pieces of her life.

A Young Hotchniss AU

Chapter 1/4

-x-

Hi besties,

Today makes it four years since I started writing for Hotchniss!! It's been almost 2.5 million words, 388 fics and a whole lot of feels. I will be forever grateful that I found this little corner of the internet and the lifelong friends I have made here.

Thank you for reading all my fics. For leaving comments and likes and kudos. I love these two idiots and your love for them too always spurs me on.

To mark the occasion, I've decided to write the most Vic fic possible. It's young hotchniss, it's an AU, its full of angst and feels and, because my first ever fic was at Christmas, it's also a Christmas fic.

I really hope you enjoy this, please let me know what you think - AU's are always anxiety inducing!! And this fic is already special to me.

Please note the tags before you read.

As always, please let me know what you think <3

-x-

List of tags are on the master list

Words: 7.5k (I'm not sure every chapter will be this long but I'm not making any promises they won't be haha)

Read over on Ao3, or below the cut

Drip. 

Drip. 

She focuses on the dripping faucet, the sound of the water hitting the porcelain a distraction from the pain she is in. The repetitive noise something she can think about rather than where she is - a side room in an ER - and what had led her here. She winces as she tries to move, her hand flying to her aching, fractured, ribs. Bruises she couldn’t bear to look at when the doctor looked her over, her touch much gentler than the hands that had caused them, scattered across her chest and abdomen - an intricate pattern left behind by a man who claimed to love her because she dared to try to leave him. 

Drip. 

Drip.

She wished she’d never met Ian Doyle. If she could go back in time, if she could stop herself from going to the bar where she’d met him almost two years ago she would. She’s sure she wouldn’t have listened even if she could go back, her decision making at the time fuelled by a broken heart and the desire to feel something, anything, other than the pain of watching the person she loved be with someone else. 

Ian was different when they met. He was charming and enamoured with her, and over a decade older than her - ticking the box of being someone her mother would disapprove of which was never a bad thing in her mind. Looking back on it, she could see how she’d fallen into his carefully laid trap. How he’d seen this 22-year-old who was lost and vulnerable and how he made himself exactly what she thought she needed. Bit by bit, brick by brick, the carefully constructed facade he’d built for her started to crack. The real him slowly revealed each time he yelled at her until she did what he asked of her, or each time he came close to hitting her, his fists curled at his side as she tried to figure out what she’d done wrong. 

The first time he did hit her six months ago, the sharp burn of his palm still stinging on her cheek as he apologised, she’d lost almost everyone except for him. All of her friendships had slipped away, her mother had stopped calling, and she felt entirely trapped. She’d tried to leave more than once but always lost her nerve because she knew he’d find her, that he’d make her life miserable no matter what. 

Her breaking point was when she found him fucking someone else in their bed. He wasn’t embarrassed by it. Didn’t jump up and beg for forgiveness as he called himself stupid and tried to assure her it was just one time. He just didn’t care, and that was all she needed for her to decide enough was enough - he didn’t love her. He didn’t care about her. He just wanted her like she was a possession, a prize to be won and put on display, and she just couldn’t do it anymore. 

She packed a bag as the woman he was with, Chloe, left. She hadn’t looked apologetic either, as if she’d known about Emily’s existence, and despite everything Emily wanted to warn her. To tell her to run in the other direction because Ian would never bring her anything other than pain and destruction, that he’d chip away enough of her until she didn’t recognise herself when she looked in the mirror. 

“Miss Prentiss?” 

Emily jumps when the door opens, her shoulders immediately tight as the doctor, Doctor Lewis, who treated her earlier walks in, “Sorry,” Emily breathes out, her voice rough as she tries to force herself to calm down, her throat sore as she swallows thickly, “I…sorry, Doctor Lewis.” 

“No need to apologise,” Doctor Lewis assures her, the smile on her face so kind, so full of empathy, that it drives Emily crazy, “I should have knocked first. And I told you, you can call me Tara.” 

“Right. Tara,” Emily wraps her arms around herself, ignoring the ache in her ribs as she presses her arms against them, desperate to feel anything other than the shame she felt for being in this situation, no matter how much she knew she had nothing to be ashamed of, “Am I free to go?” 

Doctor Lewis sits on the edge of the gurney Emily is curled up on, “Nothing is broken, and your blood tests don’t bring up any red flags that indicate internal bleeding. I’d still feel more comfortable if we could admit you overnight,” she says, her eyes drifting to her neck, causing Emily to press her hand against her skin to cover the fingerprints bruises tattooed there, “Given some of your injuries.” 

She shakes her head, grimacing when it makes the pain there throb, “No, I…” she trips over the admittance that she wants to go home, because she knows she can’t, “I’ll be okay.” 

Doctor Lewis sighs and nods, “Okay, I’ll make sure you get a script for some painkillers. But I can only discharge you if you have someone who can keep an eye on you. Is there anyone you can call?”

She laughs bitterly, because there was no one. Ian had made sure of that, had dissolved each of her relationships one by one until she only had him left. 

Only one person comes to mind. She hadn’t spoken to him in months, had cut the one remaining thread to a person she had outside her relationship because Ian had threatened to hurt him. She couldn’t bear the thought of it even now - sure that if Ian found out he’d helped her that she’d put him directly in the firing line she’d sacrificed their friendship to help him avoid - but she had no choice.

Aaron was the only person she knew would answer whenever she called. 

“Yeah,” she says, smiling tightly, ignoring the pull at the split in her lip as she digs her cell phone out of her pocket, “I have someone I can call.”

___

It had been five months, three weeks and four days since he’d heard from her. 

It was the longest since they’d gone without speaking since they’d met, since he’d found an unlikely friend in the college freshman who moved into the apartment across. He’d been in his second year of law school and relatively new to the building himself after a breakup. At first, he and Emily had simply been polite to each other - something he had since learned she excelled in. Small talk the first of many languages she’d learnt. They would exchange pleasantries about the weather, or how the windows in his apartment didn’t keep the chill out, but slowly things evolved. One morning, when they happened to bump into each other in the local coffee shop, he bought her a cup of tea because she’d forgotten her wallet. In return, in a gesture that far outweighed his in a way he learned was classic of her, she bought him a cashmere blanket. He still remembered her smile as she handed it over, how it was somehow softer than the material of the blanket he still had, as she explained it would keep him warm even if the windows in his apartment didn’t. They became friends after that. He’d invite her over for dinner so they could study together, and she’d tell him tales of her childhood - the fact she was an ambassador's daughter answering his unasked question of how she could afford to live independently in her first year of college. 

Even when she moved out a couple of years later to a nicer place, their friendship only grew deeper. She helped him study for his exams when he took the bar, her intelligence only adding to her obvious beauty that he’d tried to ignore from the start, and somewhere along the way, he’d started to fall in love with her. He knew it was only one-sided, that she only saw him as a friend - a friend that was six years older than her - so he did his best to accept it, to be the friend she so clearly needed and had found in him. 

He’d always told himself he’d rather be her friend than not in her life at all. 

When Haley came back into his life, his high school sweetheart who’d broken up with him after his first year in law school, and asked for another chance he said yes. He’d never stopped loving her, had missed her ever since he’d last seen her, and he knew he had to move on from misspent hope that Emily would feel for him what he felt for her. Shortly after that, Emily met Ian. A man who Aaron didn’t like from the start, not just because of the jealousy he did his best to ignore, but because he’d met men like him before. 

He’d been raised by a man like him. 

As time went on, as Emily shrunk into a version of her that he’d never met before, one he’d only seen flashes of on the rare occasions he’d met her mother, he did his best to help her out of it. To make it clear that he was there and he would do whatever she needed - but he knew from his own experiences he couldn’t force her to do anything, and that it would only drive her away if he tried. 

The last time he’d seen her, just a few days before she’d called him to say he needed to leave her alone, she’d been wearing a thick sweater in the middle of summer. He’d watched his mother do the same thing his whole life, had listened as she pretended to be cold even though there was sweat on her temple, and rage that felt nothing short of genetic burned in his blood in a way it never had before. He’d shaken it off, tried to separate her from Ian and talk to her, but he’d never had a chance, the older man's eyes fixed on the two of them every time they tried to speak. 

Even though it had been close to six months, when she called him he’d frozen for a second, a mix of shock and concern rolling in his gut because he knew there was only one reason she’d be calling. The ringtone he’d set specifically to her number, so he’d know it was her no matter where he was, loud and jarring in his empty apartment as he looked at a framed picture he had of the two of them on the wall. When he answered only seconds later, her voice rough and shaking as she asked him to come and meet her at the hospital, he didn’t have to think twice before he picked up his keys and left his apartment. When he arrives, he barely remembers a moment of the drive, and knows he couldn’t describe a moment of it if he were asked, he all but runs into the emergency room. 

“I’m here to see Emily Prentiss,” he says the moment he has a nurse's attention, his eyes flicking to the name Jennifer on the badge pinned to her scrubs, “I got a call.”

Jennifer smiles politely at him, something he sees through immediately, “Do you have ID?” 

He clears his throat and nods as he fumbles with his FBI badge in a way he never had before, his desperation to see Emily, to know she was okay, overtaking his usual coordination, “Here.” 

Jennifer takes it and raises her eyebrow as she looks at him, “She’s already spoken to the police.” 

It makes his breath catch in his chest, her defensiveness and her mention of the police only confirming what he already thought had happened, “I’m not here as an agent, I’m her friend.” 

“Aaron Hotchner?” 

He turns at the sound of his name and nods at the woman standing behind him, “Yes?” 

“I’m Doctor Lewis, I’m the one who is treating your friend,” she says, smiling past him for a moment, “I’ll take him through JJ.” 

Jennifer nods, her smile more genuine now when Aaron turns to look at her, “Sorry, I had to make sure you were who you said you were.” 

He nods, “I understand. Thank you,” he turns and walks in pace with Doctor Lewis as they head down a hallway, “Is she okay? She wouldn’t tell me anything over the phone.” 

“I can’t tell you anything specifically,” she replies, her lips pressed together as they stop, her gaze drifting down to the badge on his belt, “You’re an FBI agent?” 

“Yes,” he replies, “But I’m not here to interview her-”

“No,” Doctor Lewis says, holding her hand up, “I know that, I just…I’d prepare yourself before you see her,” she says, her hands clasped in front of her, “People in her situation don’t need reminding of what’s happened to them if someone winces every time they look at them.” 

He feels his shoulders get tighter, familiar anger for Ian burning in his chest as he paints a picture he isn’t sure he wants to see. He clears his throat and tries to loosen his shoulders, not wanting Emily to see any of the tension in them when they finally see each other, “I’ve seen a fair amount of things on the job. Before I was an agent I was a lawyer.” 

“I’m sure you have, but it’s different when it’s someone you care about,” Doctor Lewis says, “She’s free to go whenever you’re ready.” 

“Thank you,” he says as she walks away, and he gives himself a moment to centre himself, blowing out a slow breath before he knocks on the door in front of him. 

“Come in.”

He opens the door as quietly as he can and steps around it. He’s grateful for the doctor’s warning, because despite it he finds himself frozen on the spot, his hand still tight around the door handle as he looks her up and down, the room quiet apart from a persistent drip in the corner. The faucet attached to the basin intended for doctors to wash their hands after each patient leaking, each drop of water against the porcelain emphasising the injuries that confirm everything he’d been hoping wasn’t true. 

Drip. 

A black eye. 

Drip. 

A split lip. 

Drip. 

A bruised cheek. 

Drip. 

A bruise in the shape of a handprint on her throat, fingerprints tattooed on delicate skin overlaid with scratches he assumes are from her own fingernails. 

Drip. 

The anger he’d felt earlier comes back with a vengeance, his grip on the door handle tightening as he thinks about finding the man who’d done this to her and making sure he never hurt her again. Most of his anger turns inward as he berates himself for not getting her out of this situation sooner, for not being able to stop what he’d seen coming like a freight train. 

“Hi,” she chokes out, drawing his attention back to her, her eyes fixed on the ground as she avoids eye contact.

“Hi,” he replies, finally stepping into the room and letting the door close behind him, his heart seizing in his chest when she flinches as it clicks shut, “Sorry.” 

She laughs humourlessly, “I think I’m the one who owes you an apology,” she says, wiping a tear from her cheek as she shakes her head at herself, “I’m sorry I had to call. They wouldn’t let me leave if I didn’t call someone.” 

“Why did you call me?” He asks, his curiosity peaked as he steps closer, making sure to keep his distance so he doesn’t overstep.

“You were the only person I was sure would answer,” she says, finally looking up at him, the whites of her eyes bloodshot, burst blood vessels painting a picture that she didn’t have to, “Are you going to say I told you so?” 

He chokes on a sound he can’t name, the vitriol in her voice not something he’d ever heard aimed at him before, “Em…you know I wouldn’t do that.” 

“No,” she clears her throat, shaking her head again, “You wouldn’t. I’m sorry. It’s…it’s been a long day.” 

He nods, waving off her apology, not wanting to hear it. The room is thick with tension, an awkwardness that had never existed between them even when they were strangers, and he hates it. Hates that it’s another thing Ian had broken. 

“What happened, Em?” 

“I found him cheating on me. I tried to leave,” she laughs humourlessly and points at her face, “I’m sure I don’t have to say what happened next.” 

She says it so matter of factly that it makes him want to reach out for her, to hug her and hold her close and assure her he’d never let anyone hurt her again. But he doesn’t. He stays where he is, a distance between them that had been forged months ago. 

“Where is he?”

She shrugs, “He ran when the neighbours pounded on the door and said they’d called the cops. The police are looking for him. I can’t go home because it’s a crime scene and…he might come back,” she nods towards her bag in the corner, “Good thing I already packed a bag.” 

He hates that keeps trying to joke, that this is so normal to her now that she’s trying to minimize it, but he smiles anyway, knows that this is how she needs to deal with this for now, “I’ll see if I can make some calls, ensure the local cops are dealing with it as a matter of urgency.” 

She raises an eyebrow at him, her curiosity breaking past her sadness, “And what connections does a junior associate in a law firm have that would help?” 

He forces his hands into his pockets, “Actually, I’m in the FBI now.” 

“You…you’re in the FBI?” 

He nods, “A lot of things change in 6 months, Em,” he says, and she closes her eyes, her jaw tighter than he thinks it should be given her injuries, and he sighs, “Sorry.”

“Why don’t we just agree that neither of us has to apologise for anything right now,” she says, smiling tightly, “It might make things easier.” 

“Okay,” he replies, “I’ll make those calls.” 

“Thanks,” she says, blowing out a slow breath, “If you could just drive me to a hotel that would be-”

“A hotel?” He says, his eyebrows furrowed, “You can come and stay with me.” 

She scoffs, “Aaron, no that’s fine. I’m sure Haley is pissed enough that you’ve had to come out this time of night. I’m not going to make it worse by staying in your spare room for god knows how long.” 

He almost doesn’t want to tell her the next part, well aware she’ll consider it another reason she shouldn’t stay with him, “Haley and I no longer live together,” he says, “We broke up a few weeks ago.” 

“Oh God, I’m sorry…” she smiles when he raises an eyebrow at her, “Right, no apologies. I can go to a hotel.” 

“I’m not telling you this to play the ‘who’s having a bad time of it’ Olympics, Emily. I’m telling you because I want you to know you don’t have to take her feelings into account. Just mine. And I’m inviting you to stay.” 

He doesn’t think about the fact he’s only got one bedroom. That his apartment is small and sad and screams single man. He only thinks about her. About how small she looks, how scared she looks, and he now he’s finally back by her side he doesn’t want her to be anywhere where he can’t make sure she’s okay. He doesn’t want her to be anywhere he couldn’t protect her, even though he knows she’d say she didn’t need protecting. 

He watches as she thinks about it, her eyes drifting back to the floor as she does so, and she eventually nods, “Okay.” 

“Okay?” 

“Yeah,” she says, smiling tightly at him, “Just until I figure something out,” she stands up, wincing when she does so, her hands flying to her ribs, “You deserve an explanation.” 

“You don’t have to tell me anything you don’t want to about what happened today,” he says, reaching for her bag before she can try to do it herself.

“Not about that,” she says, reaching out for him, her fingers skimming his arm before it drops back down to her side, “About why…why I stopped talking to you.” 

He reaches out for her, his hand briefly around hers as he squeezes, “Later, Em,” he says, “For now, let’s just get you back to my place.” 

She nods, her eyes shining up at him, the dark brown eyes he’d fallen in love with making his breath catch in his throat, “Okay.” 

___

It feels awkward when she walks into his apartment, like she’s stepped back in time to when she didn’t know him. To when she was just his neighbour who needed to borrow a screwdriver when she first moved in. 

This apartment was smaller than the one he’d shared with Haley. It had the potential to be cosy, intimate, but it barely felt lived in. He had very few things scattered about, any photos of him and Haley they’d had up in their old place gone, but Emily’s eyes catch a picture of her and Aaron at his graduation from law school. Wide smiles on both of their faces as she stole his cap to put on her head. She picks up the frame and stares at her past self, her finger ghosting over the glass before she catches sight of her reflection, her bruises somehow even worse than when she’d caught sight of them in the elevator as they left the hospital. She puts the picture back down, her fingers lingering on the frame for a moment as she tries to recall the feeling of happiness she’d had when the picture was taken. She blows out a breath as she turns to look at Aaron, her tight smile pulling at the split in her lip as he watches her carefully, her bag still over his shoulder. 

“You haven’t decorated,” she says, desperate to say something to get rid of the awkwardness she hated between them. He furrows his brow as he looks at her and she rolls her eyes, a flash of the old her, the old them, peeking out from everything it was hidden behind, “For Christmas.” 

He chuckles and shakes his head as he puts her bag down on the couch, “It’s November.” 

She smiles as she sits down on the couch, barely covering a wince as ribs pull, “It’s December next week,” she says as she looks up at him, “And Advent starts this Sunday.” 

She’d never kept her love of the holidays a secret. He remembered that first Christmas he’d known her, when they had just finally tipped into being friends, and he found her trying to pull a Christmas tree bigger than her up the stairs in their building. At first, she’d refused his help, her hands on her hips in defiance as she claimed she could do it, but she’d eventually given in and invited him into her place when they finally got the tree up the stairs. He’d helped her decorate, dutifully listening as she told him where to place each ornament, and it became a tradition over the years. 

“You and Christmas,” he says fondly, and she hums, a distant look in her eyes he can’t place, “Do you need anything? I could make you something to eat.” 

She shakes her head, “I’m not hungry,” she replies, “But some water would be great if that’s okay?” 

“Of course,” he says, “Are you sure you don’t want anything else? I have that awful tea you like.” 

She sucks in a breath, her lips pressed together as guilt fills her battered lungs, “You have that here?” She asks, looking over to the small kitchen, at his limited cabinet space, and then back at him. He would have had to have bought it especially for her, and the thought of it makes her ache, “Why?” 

He shrugs, his cheeks burning with embarrassment he doesn’t understand, everything he’d never told her, everything he knows she can’t hear right now, lingering just under his skin, “Just in case.” 

For a moment she can’t breathe, his kindness almost oppressive as it fills the air around them, a tender kind of caring she’d grown used to living without, “Just the water is fine for now,” she says as she stands up, her teeth clenching as pain rolls through her. She needed some time to herself, a few moments to recalibrate, so she zips open her bag and pulls out her pjyamas, “I might get changed.” 

“Of course,” he says, repeating himself, wanting her to know she could do whatever she wanted here, that she had the freedom to make her own choices, “The bathroom is the first door on the right.” 

She nods gratefully, her pjyamas hugged against her chest, and heads down the hall without saying anything else, unable to breathe until she’s in the bathroom and the door is closed behind her. She looks at herself in the mirror for a moment before she turns around, entirely overwhelmed by how her day had started in comparison to how it had ended. How she’d gone from waking up next to a man who she’d fallen out of love with several months ago to standing in the bathroom of the man she’d loved for years. 

She wasn’t sure when it happened. Wasn’t sure when her feelings for Aaron turned into love that made her stomach flip whenever he smiled at her. It had snuck up on her. Kept in pace with her until it overtook her, her love for him one of the only things in life she was sure about. There were moments when she thought he might feel the same way back. When all of her reasons for not just kissing him would disappear for a moment, but then they’d come rushing back. Walls of protection she’d learnt to build before she could walk around her heart because she couldn’t bear the idea of not having him in her life at all. 

When he told her he was back together with Haley it had hurt more than she thought it would. She was sure she could hear her heart crack as she smiled and nodded and did everything she’d always been taught to do. When he took Haley on a date, his smile soft and nervous, Emily couldn’t bear to stay in by herself. She went out, ended up in the first bar she found and got lost in icy blue eyes that met hers from across the room. 

She had loved Ian once, in a way she now knew had never been healthy, and it was something she clung on to as she watched Aaron move apartments to live with Haley - their relationship moving forward like they hadn’t almost four years apart. She eventually did the same, broke her lease in the building where she’d met Aaron and moved in somewhere with Ian, unaware at the time it would be the first step in him having complete control over her life. 

She changes quickly, ignoring the tears that spring to her eyes as pain rolls through her as she lifts her arms over her head to change her shirt. She still doesn’t look at the damage done, deciding to leave it for another day, the injuries she could see on her face and neck enough for her to deal with for now. 

When she steps back out into the hallway, the scrubs she’d been given by a nurse when her clothes were taken as evidence shoved into the trashcan in Aaron’s bathroom, she feels a little better. On more even footing after the now unexpected kindness from a man who had only ever been kind to her. She thinks she hates Ian for that more than the bruises painted across her skin. She hates him for stealing her ability to see the good in people from her, and she promises herself there and then, standing barefoot in Aaron’s hallway, that she’ll claw that back even if it kills her. 

She walks back out into the main area of the apartment, and she finds Aaron making up a bed on the couch, the cashmere blanket she bought him years ago in his hands as he lays it down, “What are you doing?” 

“I only have one bed,” he says, as he turns to look at her, “So I’ll sleep out here,” he nods towards the kitchen counter, “There’s your water and your meds. I’ll go to the store tomorrow to get whatever food you want.” 

“You don’t have to do that.” 

“You have to eat at some point-”

“No, not that,” she says, her arms over her chest as she looks at him, “Well, you don’t have to do that either, but I mean you don’t have to sleep out here. I’ll take the couch.” 

He shakes his head as he turns to look at her, “You’re injur…you’re hurt, Em. I’m not making you sleep on the couch.” 

“But it’s your apartment,” she says, her teeth sinking into the inside of her cheek, “I’ll just go to a hotel.” 

He reaches out for her as she tries to step past him but he stops himself. They hadn’t touched each other since they were in the hospital room, and he hadn’t missed how her shoulders would get tight every time she thought he was going to touch her. Every part of him itched to hug her, but he wouldn’t. He’d let her take the lead, let her have control over what happened to her. 

“Em, no. Please. I’m okay with the couch. I wouldn’t offer if I didn’t mean it.” 

She wants to stay. She wants to stay so much it hurts, a sense of comfort that came with being near him that she’d missed, but she felt like she’d been shattered into pieces. Her sense of self scattered around her and she didn’t know where to start with putting herself back together. She didn’t know if she could do it with someone watching her, even if that person was Aaron. 

She looks up at him, sees the almost desperate look in his eyes, and her decision is made, “We…we could both sleep in the bed,” she says without thinking about it. She knows in any other situation she’d smile at the way his eyes get wider, and she chuckles humourlessly, “It’s not like it’s the first time we would have slept next to each other.” 

He laughs dryly, “If I remember correctly we both fell asleep sitting up on the couch. And we aren’t in college anymore and drunk on tequila after finals.” 

She swallows thickly, her lungs protesting the deep breath she takes in, and she presses her lips together, “No. We aren’t.” 

They fall into silence again and he watches as she folds in on herself, as if she’s embarrassed to have even said anything, and he clears his throat, “Okay. We’re adults,” he smiles tightly, “And it’s a big bed.” 

She smiles, and the relief rolling through her veins outweighs the pull in her lip, “I’ll keep my hands to myself,” she says, her joke immediately falling flat given the circumstances, and then she clears her throat, “I promise.” 

“Me too,” he says, and they both know it has a double meaning. That it goes beyond a bad joke between friends who could never have seen this situation coming, “I’m going to tidy up a little, but if you want to go to bed you can. It’s just down the hall.” 

She steps towards him to hug him before she stops herself, her arms as tight as she can bear them to be across her chest as she holds herself together, “Okay, thank you,” her smile shakes as she shrugs, “For everything. You…would have been well within your rights to ignore my call.” 

He shakes his head as if the idea had never even occurred to him, “You don’t have to thank me, Em. Like you said - I’ll always answer when you call. It’s what we do for each other, right?” 

She nods, “Right. Goodnight.” 

“Goodnight, Em.” 

He watches as she walks down the hall to his bedroom, and he blows out a slow breath. He purposely takes longer than necessary to finish the chores he’d abandoned when she called, keen to make sure she has some time to herself. When he walks into his bedroom she’s fast asleep, half sat up to allow for the pain in her ribs she was trying to hide from him. He carefully adjusts the pillows around her to make sure she’s as comfortable as possible, and then he lays down next to her. 

When he closes his eyes, he listens to her breathing and imagines a world where this is life. Where she slept next to him every night and had never met Ian Doyle. 

___

He wakes up alone.

He half expects to find her gone, a note on the kitchen counter with an apology scrawled on it, but she’s sitting on the couch, a glass of water in hand and the cashmere blanket over her lap. He makes a point of ensuring he doesn’t spook her, his footfall just loud enough that she hears him coming down the hallway. 

“Morning,” he says, and she turns to look at him. Her bruises were worse now, dark purple blotches on her face and neck as she smiles sadly at him.

“Morning,” she says, swallowing thickly as she sits next to him, her throat sore in a way she didn’t know it could be, “I didn’t wake you up did I?” 

“No,” he assures her as he sits on the other end of the couch, “I’ve always been a morning person.” 

She chuckles and nods, “Right, of course,” her smile fades as she looks around the apartment, desperate to look anywhere except at him because there was so much to say and she didn’t know where to start, “You really should decorate, you know. It looks sad in here.” 

He can’t help but smile, “I only moved in a few weeks ago. I haven’t had a chance to buy a tree yet. And like I said yesterday. It’s still November.” 

“But only for 6 more days,” she says wistfully, allowing herself to get lost in the thought of her favourite holiday, “And it’s the first Advent on Sunday.” 

It’s a repeat of the conversation they’d had the night before, a topic they’d both silently deemed as safe, so he goes along with it, hoping over time she’d feel comfortable to talk about what had happened in the six months they’d been apart. 

“We never did the whole advent thing,” he says, and she tilts her head at him, “I grew up Baptist remember,” he says, smiling when she rolls her eyes at him, “We had a lot less ceremony than you Catholics.” 

She laughs, a sound followed by a wince as she presses her hand against her side, “It’s the only part of it I ever really liked,” she says, her smile fading as she carries on, the ghosts of her past never too far away, “Christmas was always…so formal and stuffy when I was growing up. It was all for show, you know? But every time Advent rolled around, my mom, my dad and I would light the candles together every Sunday. Just the three of us.” 

“You’ve never told me that before,” he says after a beat of silence, and she hums as she looks at him, shrugging one of her shoulders. 

“We never talked about religion all that much, what with us both being lapsed and all,” she says, “Besides, I haven’t done it in years. Or gone to mass. I haven’t even spoken to my parents in months,” she adds, not realising she’d let that slip until she’d already said it, “It’s just a nice memory. That’s all.” 

He nods and then clears his throat as he stands up, “I should make you something to eat.” 

She sighs, “Aaron-”

“You shouldn’t take these painkillers on an empty stomach, Em,” he says, raising his eyebrow at her as he steps into the kitchen, “I’ll make you anything you want.” 

She shakes her head at him, familiar love she’d never quite been able to stamp out sparking in her chest, “Bacon and eggs?” 

He smiles at her, his dimples carved out in his cheeks as he nods, “Bacon and eggs it is.” 

___

There are moments when she’s able to forget why she’s with him. Moments when she couldn’t feel her injuries, or when just being with him would make her feel like it was two years ago again before Haley came back into his life and before she met Ian. She’d wake up in the morning next to him, torn from sleep by nightmares and memories or the pain that had come from them. He had laid pillows between them so she had space, so she wouldn’t wake up and feel crowded if he slipped too close. It was a simple gesture, and so beautifully him, and the same feeling the tea had brought up that first night rolled in her gut every time she looked at them. It feels achingly normal to be with him and she does her best to hang on to the feeling before it fades back into reality. When the ache in her throat and ribs would make itself known, when everything that they hadn’t talked about would hang between them.

It had been three days since he’d brought her to his place and she hadn’t left since. He kept trying to encourage her to go outside, kept offering to go on walks with her so she could get some fresh air, but she was hesitant. Not only because she was worried about Ian, who still hadn’t been caught by the police, but because she didn’t want anyone to see her like this. Shame she knew she shouldn’t feel, shame that the man who had done this to her should feel, nipping at her heels whenever she considered going outside. 

She hung out at his place whilst he went to work. She’d turned down the freelance translation work she’d been offered for the month, not sure she was capable of doing it with everything else going on. Instead, she read Aaron’s books and watched TV, always making sure she was doing something to keep her mind occupied. 

On Sunday, just before dinner, he goes out to get groceries. She almost goes with him, gets to the front door of his building, but then she catches the eye of a woman on the street, sees how she flinches at the sight of her bruised face, and changes her mind. Her smile tight and apologetic as she looks at Aaron before she heads back to his apartment. She feels embarrassed when he comes back, embarrassed that she couldn’t even step outside. It’s dark when he gets back, but she feels reassured the moment he walks into the apartment, arms laden with more groceries than the two of them could possibly need.

“Did you buy the whole store?” She says, smiling when he laughs as he dumps the bags down onto the kitchen counter. 

“Almost,” he replies, putting his hand up to stop her from standing up to help, “You sit, I’ll put it all away. I got all your favourite snacks.” 

She rolls her eyes but does as he asks, swallowing down a groan as her abdomen aches, “You were gone a while. I…I was getting worried.” She doesn’t say that she’d started to worry Ian had done something, that he’d figured out where she was and hunted Aaron down. She isn’t sure she can go down that road yet, isn’t sure she can explain the depths of it all, so she clears her throat and tilts her head curiously when she sees one of the bags on the counter is different to the others, “What’s that?” 

He pauses what he’s doing and blows out a slow breath before he picks up the bag in question and walks over. He sits next to her, making sure to keep the now normal distance between them, and he passes it to her, “I got this for you.” 

She narrows her eyes playfully as she takes it from him, “You didn’t have to get me anything, you’ve done enough…” she trails off as she opens the bag, her breath catching in her chest as she’s met with the sight of a wreath with five candles nestles in it - three purple, one pink and one white, “Aaron…”

“The guy in the store told me I’d left it a little late considering Advent starts today,” he smiles and laughs nervously, now unsure about the gift he’d been planning for days, “He assured me it’s the right one, although the fifth candle confused me.” 

“You light it on Christmas Eve,” she says, her eyes still fixed on the advent wreath, “Aaron…this is…”

She can’t put it into words, can’t even begin to explain what this means to her. She’d mentioned it days ago, and they hadn’t talked about it since. She starts to feel overwhelmed by his kindness again, her throat tight with it as she chokes on a sob, but it doesn’t feel bad this time. It feels good. 

“If this was a bad idea-”

She throws herself at him, one hand still on the bag in her lap and the other around his neck as she pulls him in for a hug. She barely feels the pull in her chest, she’s only aware of him. Of his warmth and the way he carefully hugs her back, his hand tentative against her shirt, the hug so tender she could hardly feel it. She pulls back to look at him and only realises then how close they are. She smiles and clears her throat, putting space between them again as she looks down at the wreath. 

“Thank you. This…” she trails off and laughs, her lips pressed together as she stops it turning into a sob, “This means so much to me.” 

“I thought we could maybe go and pick a tree next week?” He suggests, “You always choose the best ones.” 

She nods and looks up at him, “Yeah. I’d like that.” 

“Shall I put it on the mantle?” He asks, and she nods again and lets go of the wreath, not tearing her gaze from it as she watches him place it on the mantle next to the photo of the two of them from his graduation. He turns to look at her, his smile soft and relieved, “Do you have a lighter?” 

“I don’t smoke anymore,” she replies, and he raises an eyebrow at her, making her roll her eyes as she nods towards her bag in the corner of the room, “It’s in the side pocket of my bag.” 

He laughs and gets the lighter as she stands up and walks over to the mantle, her fingers trailing over the leaves of the wreath until he makes it back to her. He smiles softly as he hands over the lighter and she takes it from him, flicking the switch so the flame appears.

“Do we have to say a prayer or something?” 

She shakes her head, “I don’t think anyone has listened to my prayers in a long time,” she shrugs, “If there is even anyone there listening at all. I just…”

“Like lighting the candles,” he finishes for her and she nods, “So it’s like a countdown.” 

“To Christmas,” she says, finishing his sentence for him this time, the air once again filled with everything they couldn’t say.

“Yeah, a countdown to Christmas,” he replies, and she smiles, resting her head against his shoulder for a moment before she flicks the lighter on again and lights the candle. They both stand there for a few seconds and watch the flicker of the flame before he steps away, leaving cool air in his wake, “Before I get started on dinner would you like a drink?”

She nods, her eyes still fixed on the flame, “Yes please.”

“Water?” 

She shakes her head, looking over at him briefly before she looks back at the candles, “Actually, I’ll have some tea.” 

He smiles, and she catches it out of the corner of her eye, and she sees in it what she can see dancing in the flame in front of her, what she hasn’t seen or felt in a long time. 

She can see hope. 

[makeste]

do you perhap have bakugou whump fic recs?

I have many such recs! not all of them are "whump" in the purest sense of the word, but they've got angst and hurt/comfort in abundance, so yeah.

I also have an older rec post from like five years ago which has quite a few Bakugou whump fics as well, so I'll link that here.

and here are like 16 new ones lol.

some quick notes:

I'm just including links and summaries here, so please make sure to check the tags for each fic if you have certain squicks or triggers you're trying to avoid!

please be aware that I am not very nitpicky about grammar and style and spelling and the like, so long as I'm feeling the characterization and general vibes. so while I can't promise that all of these fics will read like Nobel Prize-winning lit, I can say that I personally enjoyed each one enough to go back and reread more than once.

although it tends to be one of the most common tropes in Bakugou angst fics, I do not vibe with the "abusive Mitsuki" angle, so you won't find any of that in the works below. same goes for Midnight-bashing (which is also surprisingly common).

I also did not include any fics with sad endings just because I didn't feel like depressing myself today lol.

I don't think there are manga spoilers in any of these fics except one (which I noted and marked with an asterisk), but definitely check the tags just to be safe.

lastly, though I'm by no means a prude when it comes to fanfic, all of these particular fics are SFW, just FYI.

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gen Bakuwhump:

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It's Already Tomorrow on the Other Side of the World by Nicole_Silverwolf

In the absolute immediate aftermath of his rescue at Kamino, Bakugou just wants to sleep. If he sleeps then this nightmare will be over. Except he's freezing in the mid August heat. And he can't stop shaking. A glimpse of two imperfect humans trying their best told in 3.5 parts.

post-Kamino Dadzawa and Katsuki. easily one of my all-time favorite BnHA fics. it's so sad and cozy.

Coming Up for Air by achievingelysium

Katsuki has nightmares. He doesn't think he deserves the comfort, but Aizawa-sensei sits with him anyway.

more Dadzawa dealing with nighttime Kacchan angst, since that's like my #1 BnHA fic aesthetic. this is so well-written. like, there are a couple of lines in here that just... guh. just hit right to the core of me.

Bakugou's "Super Fun" Three Day Vacation by Marvelless

Bakugou and his parents arrive home after the Kamino Ward incident for some much-needed recovery time.

post-Kamino Bakufam angst. lots of paranoia and dissociation. this is one of those fics that's sort of a guilty pleasure for me, because Katsuki definitely feels a lot more... fragile?... in this than I think he would have been in canon. but he's still enough of a grump during all of his spiralling that it still feels like him. and I do love me some Bakufam wholesomeness, and this fic has got that in spades.

the art of poor judgement by emelinelou

It's a Tuesday when Bakugou admits to himself that maybe, maybe he is sorta, kinda under the weather. Things go quickly downhill from there. . Alternatively: Bakugou's too stubborn to be "sick," Midoriya and Kirishima are in over their heads, Todoroki is the Most Useful in a pinch, and Aizawa is not paid nearly enough for this.

probably my favorite sickfic. chapter two especially. Bakugou's narration in this is fucking fantastic. he's so fucking done with life. meanwhile everyone around him is freaking out, and he himself is a complete mess even though he won't acknowledge it, and it's just great. it's equal parts funny, sad, and absolutely adorable.

(incidentally, even though this fic is marked as incomplete, it really doesn't feel that way and ends at a perfectly reasonable stopping point, so don't let that put you off.)

Solar Flare by TheQueen

Three weeks after Katsuki Bakugou receives his quirk, he takes a short tumble off a bridge and watches, dumbfounded, as stupid Deku extend a hand. Don’t take it, the universe commands. Don’t tell me what to do! Katsuki snaps.

this is a really cool AU in which Baby Katsuki accidentally starts defying the universe and ignoring his predestined path, which has a profound ripple effect on his life. sort of like a time-travel fix-it, minus the time travel. also just a heads up that Bakugou is like five years old in this so I guess it's technically a kidfic. and there is plenty of angst, a little bit of whump, more Bakufam, and plenty of baby Kacchan and Deku being cute like it's their job.

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BKDK/DKBK whump:

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lose it all (with eyes wide open) by ghostwriterofthemachine

Katsuki is blinded. Izuku is muted. Both of them are kidnapped. Things get worse.

this is one of those fics that just kind of leaves you stunned at how freaking good it is. featuring: psychological mindgames, hopelessly bleak situations, and codependency so utterly raw and desperate that it broke my heart roughly 17 times.

When Ice Doesn't Float by Ma_skee

A simple rescue exercise goes south when Izuku falls through the ice and it goes from a class assinment to an actual rescue and a race against time to keep him from freezing to death.

technically this is more Dekuwhump than Kacchanwhump (though we do get a bit of the latter toward the end), but I'd argue that few things could possibly stress Katsuki out more than being in a tense survival situation in which Deku is hurt and needs help. anyway so yeah. this is classic hurt/comfort and very good.

spinning out of control by mollE

Katsuki joins the 'I've Been Mind Controlled' Club. He wishes he hadn't.

please see above re: how all Dekuwhump scenarios are secretly Kacchanwhump scenarios in disguise. anyway so basically a mind-controlled Bakugou beats the shit out of Deku while being fully aware of it the entire time, and has a complete (and understandable) emotional breakdown afterwards.

all that you ever wanted from me was sweet nothing by maxisnotokay

Izuku has had this thing about him that Katsuki has never been able to name, but he's been chasing it since he learned how to run. It takes a catastrophic building collapse during their third year and a severe concussion for him to realize what it is. Aizawa loses ten years off his life. When does he not.

gotta love a good building collapse fic. this one has a concussed Katsuki, a very worried Izuku, and the usual "thanks to this intimate life-or-death situation, I have belatedly realized some fundamental truths about the nature of our relationship" tropes. but it's good. a lot of really good banter and back-and-forth dialogue in this one too.

takes one to know one by Sour_Idealist

Deku has left UA. Ochako still looks for him in unguarded moments. Bakugo is, unsurprisingly, being a jerk.

some good emotional hurt/comfort post-Jakku. Ochako has a chat with Bakugou about Deku. specifically, Bakugou's feelings toward Deku. it's good shit.

*fear is the heart of love by nikkiRA

*please be advised this fic contains major manga spoilers!!

Bakugou gets hit by a quirk that amplifies his greatest fear for 24 hours.

losing Deku. the thing that scares him the most is losing Deku. this is a good fic. emotional hurt/comfort for days. though once again do keep in mind that there are a couple of major spoilers in this.

silence is what i do best by notreally

the one where both Izuku and Katsuki were hit with a truth serum sort of quirk, and things aren't going all too well.

not just a truth-telling quirk, but a truth-compulsion quirk, to the extent that (spoiler alert) the quirk causes them physical pain and distress if they don't speak the truth. which, as you can imagine, leads to all sorts of extremely vulnerable conversations and a lot of good h/c.

close by not quite by blossomshed

When Bakugou goes after a beacon during a class-wide rescue op, he doesn't expect to find Deku - or to find himself dealing with the fallout of a gift he doesn't want, and a side of himself he'd never bothered to examine. He deals with it nonetheless.

this fic is so dear to me. it's yet another "Deku transfers OFA to Bakugou fic", but it's just so fucking good. and it also features a (very much confused) ace Bakugou, which is such a rare find. there are lines from this fic which I still think about constantly. it's funny and profound and adorable and so wonderfully IC, please go read it.

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BONUS NON-ANGSTY FICS because I just felt like ending this list with some happy stories where Kacchan gets a lot of love:

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give me compliments (i said give me compliments) by wonhaebunny

“It’s just cute,” Ashido is telling them as she walks into the classroom. “Like, when you compliment someone and they get flustered so easily, don’t you think it’s endearing?” Kaminari blinks. “Like Bakugou?” he asks slowly. - 1-a realises that katsuki is really, really bad at receiving compliments. exposure therapy ensues.

he is bad at accepting compliments. this is a very, very cute fic.

The Friendship Ladder by nikkiRA

Bakugou and Kirishima tell their classmates they're dating, but everyone seems more interested in who gets to claim the newly vacated spot of Bakugou’s best friend.

as the summary implies this is technically KRBK, but the focus here is very much class 1-A as a whole. there's just something about seeing the entirety of the class squabbling over their Kacchan love that tickles me to no end. Deku is also fantastic in this lmao.

The Yoshida Trail by WinterSwallow

Mitsuki Bakugo returns with her gift to the mountain.

last but not least we have this gorgeous character study with a criminally low view count. Mitsuki climbs Mt. Fuji with an eight-year-old Katsuki in tow, as the fic explores his childhood and young adulthood through a series of vignettes. the insights in this really have no business being as profound as they are, given that they're voiced from the perspective of one of the most graceless characters in the series as she observes her equally graceless son through all the ups and downs and tumbles of his life. but somehow that just makes the whole thing even better. idk I just really love this a lot.

---

anyway that's it for now. hope at least a few of these are enjoyable. thanks for the ask!

[wingedjellyfishflight]

Hogtied: Part 2

A month later, your fingers itch to pull up his file. You resist, knowing, and believing that everyone is entitled to their privacy. It is why most workers can only access a heavily redacted copy of Ghost's medical record at your insistence. The full copy is buried in your private files in your office under a false name, same as most of the men you treat, including the Captain.

You've yet to see König since his re-check as you have spent a lot of time eating meals in your office recently as due to the mandatory full physicals recently. These days drag on as most do all they can to avoid coming in. Right now, you are waiting on your next appointment. Pulling the file, you see that it is supposed to be Ghost. Grumbling, you stand. There's no way he will show up voluntarily.

Walking into the gym, his most frequent hideout, you see him grappling with someone. "Ghost, you need to come with me." He freezes, and the other man slams him to the floor while he is distracted. You wince, but Ghost pops back up like nothing happened.

"Got me there, König. Rematch later?

"Ja, das klingt gud. I look forward to it." You nod to him as you follow Ghost out.

"I was winning before you distracted me, luv."

"Sure you were, tiger. Sure you were." You delight in hearing him mutter under his breath about annoying doctors. "I wouldn't have been a distraction if you would show up voluntarily for your check-ups." He is quiet the rest of the way and strips down to his pants without you needing to ask while you mark down his compliance with the mandate in his public file.

"Are you in pain today? Scale of 1 to just cut it the fuck off." He snorts, which has you grinning, though he can't see it as you lock the door.

"Two, bit of an ache on my side and arm from being slammed down." His tone implies that he thinks it is your fault. You refuse to rise to the bait, giving him a full check from neck to toe, including the hated turn your head and cough. At the very end, you ask him to remove his bally so you can finish up. "Why? I'm perfectly healthy."

"You're not, but this is to make sure you don't have a surprise pop up. I'm the only one who will see, promise." You go through this every time with Ghost. He trusts so reluctantly. "Let me see you, Simon." His real name always stuns him. You use it so rarely. He nods and slips it off, closing his eyes. Averting your own, you give him a moment to come to terms with the lack of fabric before quickly checking him over. At your quiet, "done," he hurriedly puts his mask back on. It shouldn't make you sad, but knowing that he feels more vulnerable, showing his face than having you cup his royal jewels always hits you hard. "I'd like to say see you next year, but we both know you won't stay uninjured that long."

He smirks. "I'd miss your hands on me too much, princess." You shake your head and slip out the door to give him privacy. When you look up, you see König sitting in the waiting area.

"Are you waiting for Ghost?"

"Nee, you. I have appointment."

"Oh! I'm so sorry. I hadn't looked ahead. Let's go on back." He follows you amicably, sitting on the exam table. "Before we start," you say locking the door. "Do you want me to redact facts on your public file? I do for many of the team members. The original is kept under lock and key with a pseudonym in my office, but that way, no one else has access to your medical history or anything else you want kept off of it."

"I did not know that was option. Yes. There are questions I have refused to answer."

You nod. "It is a common issue, so I buck the rules a bit for you men. If you could mark this up for me then. It is a copy, so don't hesitate to cross things out. Bring it back to me and I will make the changes. Please strip down to your pants. The mask is up to you for now." You turn away and hear him shuffling a bit before he sits again. Turning, you begin your assessment. He leaves his mask on, but is fidgeting heavily as you take in his broad form. "Perfect," you say trying to keep your admiration for his physique from coloring your tone. You take a steadying breath, then jump right in as though he was no different from any others you have examined. The warmth of your cheeks is a sure sign that you do feel differently, despite your best efforts. You manage to get through everything and when you gesture, he slips off his mask without an argument. You tried to force your eyes away from him when you first saw his face as your supposed enemy, but now looking at him as a friend, you let your eyes linger a bit, tracing over his scars and the chunk cut from his ear. You take notes of the various features to add to his file. "Was it a bite or a knife that did that one?"

"Knife, about three years ago. One of yo - our team, actually." You tut quietly and move on.

"It is optional, but we also offer an std panel. Since you haven't had one before with us, I do recommend it just to have a baseline, but I recognize that it is a private matter that you may wish to take off base. It is a blood draw that you can schedule through the online portal. Seems most don't want to have to ask a pretty girl at the reception desk about it." His smile is lopsided as he slips the mask back on.

"Ja, I could see a problem with asking the pretty doctor for a test." You laugh and wave him off.

"We are done here. Make sure to bring those papers back so I can get that handled. For now, I will move your file, so if you get hurt, make sure they know to call me so I can pull it. Have a good night, König. It was good to see you again."

You leave, settling back in your office with his file in hand. Head in your hands, you try to ignore the way your body reacted to being in his proximity. Your panties are soaked, and nothing untoward even happened. After a long think, you lock up the file, readying to leave for the day. You pass Soap in the hall, ignoring his declarations of undying love. He switches tactics suddenly, "ye goin t'be at the pub tonight, lassy?"

You stop and consider it. "Yea, send me the address and I'll stop in. Haven't been out in forever."

He whoops. "Sounds like a randan, hen."

"Nae, ye cannae." You glare at his back as he hurries off, ignoring your protest. Throwing your hands up, you relax in your quarters for a few hours before getting ready to go. You hem and haw more than normal, finally deciding on a knee-length skirt and a cute blouse with a bit of makeup. Looking critically in the mirror, you add a set of leggings, too self-conscious with the scarring on your thighs to risk anyone seeing them on accident.

Entering the pub, you see about a dozen members of the team have shown up and sequestered themselves to one area. All of them are men unsurprisingly. Most of the few women at work refuse to have anything to do with the adrenaline junkies that you treat, not wanting to deal with rough men. Having been around them at work and at leisure, you know that most have a few rough edges, but they always make an effort to include you even if they are incorrigible flirts.

It takes only a few seconds for one of them to spot you, "Oi! It's the doc! In a bloody skirt!" You laugh with the men, walking over and getting passed a pint from the table. Taking a sip, you nearly gag.

"Oof! Who bought this swill? You fucks on a diet or somethin?!" You set it down in disgust and ask for a pint of your favorite at the bar, a nice frothy glass of Guinness. Bringing it back, both Soap and Ghost gasp as if wounded.

"Ye cannae be serious, not Guinness!"

"Am scunnered ye think tha piss taint pure minging."

"English, ya fucks. Use English."

"What, like right proper Bri'ish, chappie? That piss is a load of tosh. Downright naff, it is." Soap burstd into a fit of giggles at your horrible impression of Ghost. Gaz wraps an arm around your shoulders.

"Never, ever pretend to be English again. My God your accent is horrid."

"Wäre Deutsch besser? 아니면 한국어? (Animyeon hangug-eo?) Quizás el español sea mejor. I can do this all night."

"Rather have you speaking tongues on my cock, later," says a newer recruit. He is promptly elbowed by the guy next to him and a quiet argument breaks out. You opt to ignore the idiot and turn to Gaz.

"How have you been, mate? I haven't seen much of most of you and too much of the rest lately." He chuckles knowing exactly what time of year it is and drops his arm to your back.

"Busy, Captains got me running a lot of things right now trying to keep ahead of the König mess."

"I shouldn't ask, should I? They mad we nabbed him and gave him Stockholm Syndrome?"

"That's putting it lightly. They've tried legal and illegal ways of forcing him back. It's been a right mess. I think it will clear up soon though. Poor guy's been through the ringer, but you wouldn't know it. He's been a good asset, thanks to you." You freeze, drink halfway to your lips. Putting it back on the table a little too hard, you turn to face Gaz.

"What do you mean thanks to you?" He scratches his head nervously.

"I just mean, you treated him up nice and it put him in a better mindset. Cooperated with everything and all. After the second meeting, he agreed to join us when nothing would sway him before."

"Oh. Umm... ok. Should I put that on my resume? 'Bedside manner good enough to make men turn traitor'. That sounds like an in-demand skill." He looks shocked and hurt.

"You're leaving us? Why? Is it because of the FNG over there? I'll smoke him right now if it is." His exclamations have drawn the attention of others who also demand answers.

"No, it was just a joke, mate. I ain't leaving. It'd make my parents way too happy, after all. And I'd miss my little arsonists and murderers." You wink at Soap and Ghost who stand a little taller, proud of their work.

"Now, I thought you were gonna get mad wae it, Bubbles." Soap groans at the new moniker.

"It's Soap, nae Bubbles, hen. Noo, haud yer wheesht." You laugh at his descent back into his mother language, not missing the way Ghost's eyes lit up at the nickname. Much of the rest of the night is spent trading stories until last order is called then piling into shared taxis back to base. You end up scrunched between Ghost and Soap, as per usual. They are always perfect gentlemen and don't want to risk that someone else isn't when you can't get away.

Waving them off near their quarters, you stop to enjoy the view of the city. A boot scuffing nearby startles you. Spinning around to face it, you lose your balance. Arms wrap tight around your waist, catching you and pulling you against a large torso to steady you upright.

"Oops!" You giggle, the drinks making you feel loosey goosey.

"You must be careful, Schatz. It can be dangerous." You cheeks flush pink at the nickname. It shouldn't effect you this much to be called treasure by anyone, but it does.

"Ja, alles klar. Ich bin vorsichtig. (Yes, I'm ok. I am careful) You say as you pull away carefully, not thinking much of it. "Gute Nacht, mein König." Patting his chest, you turn to walk to your quarters, not realizing that you have stunned him into silence by speaking his mother tongue so easily and calling him yours.

You're glad to have the next day off to nurse your hangover. When you make it to mess at lunch, the men tease you about your preference for dark beers. You ignore them, trying to focus on the dry toast you convinced the cook to hand over and your glass of water. "Worth it," you say at last. "Dark beer is always better going down and light beers taste like you had someone drink a dark beer then piss in a cup for you to drink."

The laughter your statement causes makes you wince in pain, which in turn has them trying to hold it in. "Surprised you aren't tucked into a hoodie, luv. Couldn't find one this morning?" You glare at Ghost.

"You took it back last time. I'm out of comfortable hoodies."

"Och, ye poor lassie. The big bad men took their clothes back." You flip Soap the bird, then jump when a hand comes into view.

"Here, Sonnenschein." You look up at König who has apparently been sitting next to you this entire time, holding a hoodie out for you.

"Oh, thank you. It's even softer than Ghost's." You slip it on, happily. The sleeves hang off your hands by several inches and when you stand, it hangs down to your knees. The warmth from his body hasn't left it, making it feel a bit like a heated blanket. "It's lovely. You're never getting this back, now." König chuckles, adjusting himself to better see you.

"Looks good on you." He turns back to his food and you make the mistake of glancing up at Ghost and Soap. They are staring at you, mouths slack in shock.

"Gonna eat a fly if ya don't shut yer gobs." You turn back to your toast with a small smile. Hearing their teeth snap together turns it into a full-blown grin.

You veg out in your room the rest of the day, lounging in the hoodie until dinner. Feeling better, you leave it in your room. Sitting next to König, he looks you up and down.

"Mein Schatz, you have forgotten to wear my clothes."

"Just saving it for later, Großer. I don't want to wear it to bits too soon." From across the table, Ghost huffs.

"That's true, too. My hoodie was fuckin threadbare when I got it back. You're rough on clothes, Lamb." You grumble at him, not denying anything. König chuckles at your attitude and Ghost smirks beneath his mask. You eat quietly the rest of the meal, listening to them discuss an upcoming mission. You make a mental note to check supplies as it sounds like more than a quick in and out thing.

[deathfavor]

@ashrifts said: "3, 2, 1..." for hanma i GUESS 🙄

Send "3,2,1..." for a new years kiss from my muse

Hanma makes no effort to disguise the fact that he's mainly here for the booze and food over anything else. Which, by all signs that he's seen, seems to be acceptable enough. The fact Hanma has bothered to show up at ALL is more surprising than anything else ; he's a man who ultimately obeys himself before anyone else. Even Tetta Kisaki cannot wrangle him into obedience. Hanma just happens to find his plots fun most of the time. His obedience is contractual to his interest. This event just happens to hold the promise that something funny might happen. Alcohol plus guys who like to right tends to make for an interesting combination.

Although, for how tall he is and the presence he carries, no one can seem to quite pin down the moment the reaper had appeared at the new years eve party decked out in leather and paired with a wolfish grin. Few really care anyways.

So he enjoys the drinks and food, and flashes a particularly sly grin and mocking wink when he catches Ran's scowl across the room at one point in the night just because he knows it'll rile up the older Haitani. It's quickly forgotten though and perhaps it's one last blessing from the old year that Hanma doesn't decide to cross the room to directly antagonize Ran as a source of entertainment. He lets him be and minds his own business.

Or maybe it's one last elaborate trap of the year.

Time stretches and melts together, and before Hanma knows it, the final seconds of the year are approaching. He has no particularly interest in participating in the silly traditions. He'd one it before, but there's little interest. At least, not until he sees who exactly has ended up right next to him. And then his mouth parts into a hyena grin. Well now, this was too good of an opportunity to waste.

Punishment reaches out, draping across Ran's shoulder as he turns his attention solely onto Ran. " Well fancy that ~ Christmas time and New Years? That's seeming like a bit more than chance, Ran. " Hanma draws out, leaning down a bit more to be closer to the other man's level by his ear. " What was that you said? Using holidays as excuses? If you wanted a kiss, you could just say so. "

The countdown strikes 10, but Hanma withdraws is arm, fingertips ghosting cross Ran's spine as he lets his hand fall away. It's rather deceptive, because it seems like Hanma is going to let Ran escape from the moment. It's nothing more than cruel offering, like a cat lifting its paw to let the mouse see freedom but not quite letting go. Because moments later, the same hand comes by to cup under Ran's jaw, fingers holding him captive.

The countdown hits one and Hanma bends to crush their lips together. Yet for as carefree as he makes it seem, there's nothing careless about, nothing clumsy or awkward or off the mark about it. He grins against Ran's softer lips, careless to the cheers that erupt around them as the new year is rung in. The final and first moments belong to the reaper, and that cannot be changed. It might not matter in the grand scheme of everything. Neither he nor Ran view such acts with childish, romanticized sentimentality as far as he's aware. But that doesn't crush the smug streak of satisfaction.

There is the temptation to turn this into a fight in its own right - of lips and teeth and blood that colors their lips. But he withholds ( this time ) from that particular path , though that by no means is to say that its soft or sweet. It isn't. Hanma kisses with command, Sin sneaking to rest a hand against his waist. His tongue slides along Ran's lip, swiping away any traces of alcohol and pressing his lips open. ( It's almost disappoint he doesn't need to pull those handy braids to make it easier. )

Could Ran bite his tongue? Yeah. And he wouldn't put it past him either. But such risks have never dissuaded Hanma and they should both know it won't dissuade Hanma. If anything, the violence will only have him more active. Ran got to have his fun, now it's Hanma's turn as he deepens the kiss further, till his head feels fuzzy and he pulls away with a grin.

" Happy New Years, Ran ~ "

But that isn't quite where Hanma leaves it. Because he knows damn well Ran likes to have the last say or spit out a barbed comment. He expects it, and when Ran goes to say something, Hanma utilizes his height and forcefully pulls Ran forward against him to seal their lips together a second time that night. This one is a little rougher, a tease of teeth and demand before he pulls back. For a moment he holds Ran still in his hand, licking his own lips before he lets go of Ran with a Cheshire cat smile.

" There you go Ran ~ " Hanma coos, voice rich with satisfaction. "Now you're the only one hiding kisses behind holidays. "

[irisrecsbooks]

"The Martian" by Andy Weir

369 pages

***I review books on this blog! All reviews are my opinion and spoiler free! Actual review below the cut. If you've read the book, feel free to tell me your opinions or what you agree/disagree with!***

MY RATING: 10/10

Set in 2035, Mark Watney is part of Ares 3, the third mission in a set sending six astronauts to Mars in the name of science. On day 6 of the mission, a large dust storm hits that forces the team to evacuate, but Mark gets left behind after his suit tears and leaves the others thinking he's dead. He wakes up later that day knowing that his only hope is to make it 4 years until the next Ares mission comes to pick him up- only one problem: he doesn't have that much food. And nobody knows he's alive. And there's so many other ways he could die. Okay, maybe he has a lot of problems. Good thing he's not ready to sit back and let Mars beat him, the objectively best guy on Mars.

BUT FIRST: quotes!

"I was just one of her crew. Actually, I was the very lowest ranked member of the crew. I would only be 'in command' of the mission if I were the only remaining person.

What do you know? I'm in command." - Mark Watney

"Technically it's called 'Carl Sagan Memorial Station'. But with all due respect to Carl, I can call it whatever the hell I want. I'm the King of Mars." - Mark Watney

"Yay, I get to stare at a wall for several hours! Let me know if you come up with a way for me to not starve." - Mark Watney

Okay, I know some people don't like to rate books 10/10 because they can always be improved or whatever, but this is one of the best books I have ever read, which is why I wanted to post a review. Mark Watney's dry humor and witty personality make him an excellent main character, as you never get bored of listening to him.

Speaking of listening: if you, like me, aren't a fan of first person books, do NOT let that steer you away from this. The use of first person in the "diary entry" type of format adds to the story and is written so well that you barely even notice. It's also interspersed with breaks of third person to check up on other characters, so even if you're worried, I'd give it a shot.

The plot makes science sound exciting and actually manages to teach you a couple things all while staying within the realm of future possibility, excluding a few things. The only major thing I've seen is that Martian wind storms can't actually get bad enough to do as much damage as they do at the start of the book but, besides that, it's sciencey enough that if you like space you'll love it. If you know nothing about space or science, however, don't panic! The first time I read this book I knew next-to-nothing and was able to understand everything perfectly, though I did have to google a couple abbreviations that I forgot the meaning of.

The plot of this book is amazing and clearly well thought out. The plot twists are exciting but not whiplash-inducing like some books are, and not a single part seems shoved in or out of place. Everything combines seamlessly into a literary work of art.

The characters, even those with a small amount of time in the pages, all manage to have their own personality that really makes you able to connect with them. Characters like Mark who take up a lot of your time reading seem like real people by the end of the book, and even smaller characters like Rich Purnell, with maybe 1 1/2 pages devoted to him, are somehow developed in their own way. I can't say the last time I've remembered the names of minor characters from a book, as they're typically forgettable, but I could list off names of people you barely see in the book.

This book, I guarantee, will get you invested. I can not recommend this book enough to anyone who is willing to give it a chance. If you pick it up I promise you won't regret it.

[bllsbailey]

When Your Dog Makes a Mess...

Ever had a puppy? Did it ever destroy a pillow or piece of furniture and leave you with a huge mess? Sure. Probably. At first, you get angry for a minute. Maybe you stayed angry for an hour. Or a week. But then, after you calmed down for a bit, you mellowed out because you know that's just what puppies do. They can't help it. They don't hate you. They just cannot fight their nature.

This past weekend, Joe Biden left us a big mess. This past weekend, he issued a very carefully-worded pardon for his convicted criminal baby boy. Even after he repeatedly stated that he would not. He lied. But he can't help it. It's his nature. It's just what he does.

These people have no conscience. But as Biden happily leaves the White House and totters blissfully into full-blown senility, he doesn't care. 

What are you gonna do to me? As long as I get free ice cream for life (what's left of it) and a cushioned toilet chair with a presidential seal, I'm content. I don't care what any of you think.

Now, this came as no surprise to anyone. Not even KJP, who keeps a red binder marked "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" hidden behind her trash can for the inevitable announcement over which she will be thoroughly questioned.

"Karine, did the president lie to the American people?"

"No, Peter [Doocy]. As we've stated before and said many times, the president loves his son very much and simply wants what's best for him...Blah, Blah, Blah...and Blah."

So Biden lied a bunch of times over the course of the past year, saying he would not pardon Hunter Biden. Now he's done it. And, of course, it will never get the coverage it deserves.

MUST-SEE: CNN Makes Dan Goldman Watch His Past Proclamation That Joe Biden Would Never Pardon Hunter

WATCH: Supercut of Corrupt Media Waxing Poetic Over Biden's Now-Nuked Claim He Wouldn't Pardon Hunter

Anyway...Biden pardoned Hunter. But it was a very unusual pardon. If you read it, there are two things that might jump out at you. The first is his claim that his boy was unjustly pursued by law enforcement. But...wasn't that your own DOJ, Joe? Why would they do that? Perhaps because the matter garnered enough attention from "right-wing media" that it would have been impossible to ignore, so they had to do it? Knowing full well that if dragged out long enough, you could pardon him before he had to spend a day in jail?

Let's see...who else has been unjustly pursued by Joe Biden's DOJ? Donald Trump? A lot of January 6 people who are still sitting in jail awaiting their right to a quick and speedy trial? I don't think Joe is going to pardon them for similar reasons. I think his convictions are self-serving and situational.

Second, the Biden Pardon covers Hunter from 10 years ago up until December 1, 2024, for anything and everything he did or may have done, or thought of, or may not have thought of during that time period. Gee, now, why would he do that? I'll leave it up to you to draw your own conclusions. I bet they will hit you pretty fast, though. Democrats aren't stupid, but they are crafty. Crafty like a cat that won't do his business on the rug but will do it in your shoes if you forget to feed him.

All of this is pretty disgusting. None of this is supposed to happen here. Justice is supposed to be blind, and none of us (as Democrats have repeatedly reminded us) is above the law. This is what we were promised since grade school. Now, this might make you angry. It probably makes you outraged. And you justifiably should be if you care about this country. But fear not. There is a silver lining. 

Joe Biden said he would not pardon Hunter for multiple federal convictions, and then he did because he's a good Daddy. Joe Biden sent the FBI to Mar-a-Lago and raided Trump for keeping classified documents at home. Trump was charged. When Biden was found to be guilty of the same thing a few months later, there was no raid. And Grandpa Joe was absolved because he was simply a nice, well-meaning older gent who, while being mentally well enough to be President of the United States, was not mentally well enough to remember the boxes and boxes of classified documents that he routinely backs his Corvette into.

Joe Biden and Joy Reid and Nancy Pelosi and Chuck Schumer and KJP and the clique of cool kids at school will package this up as the beautiful Hallmark love a father has for his son or something, put a bow on it, and drop it under the tree. Love and forgiveness and the Holiday (nee Christmas) Spirit, etc., etc., etc., and if you believe otherwise, you are a hurtful and hateful person.

Silly people, read the room. You lost the election. Badly. The electoral vote, the popular vote, and the swing state vote. Get a clue. America doesn't believe you anymore. They're not eating your secret sauce. Your DEI, your lawfare, your lies to our faces, and especially your elitist double standards are now showcased spectacularly by the Biden pardon as it waves gloriously in the breeze like a gay pride flag in Kabul.

Now, Progressives might be smart enough to realize this intellectually, but their hearts won't let them accept it. They will keep pressing their ideas and malign anyone who disagrees. They won't criticize the Biden pardon, and they won't forsake the party. Like untrained puppies, they'll continue to make a mess because they can't help it. They cannot fight the urge. It's just what they do. Hypocrisy and double standards forever memorialized in the Congressional Record and in the history books.

Thanks, Grandpa Joe. Thank you for this gift — this marvelous mess you've left us with. You've just given us all a lot to think about over the next few election cycles.

[one-sad-human]

•Pinky Promises• Steven Adler

Pairing: Steven Adler x Reader, Axl Rose x Sibling! Reader

Requested? Yup! By an anon

Theme: Angst(?) to fluff

Warnings: Language, sexual references but nothing explicit

Word Count: 1.8k

A/N: Fic 1 of 2! Hope you enjoy! Also, the makeout near the end gets sorta hot and it was pretty fun to write? Like I’m considering exploring into writing smutter pieces. I didn’t want to originally because I thought I’d cringe all the way through and hate the result but I might try it out in the near future. Nothing too crazy but it’s something for me to think about.

     You step off of the large bus, your combat boots hitting the ground as you adjust the bag slung over your shoulder. It's stuffed to the brim with whatever you threw in, you're surprised the zipper did burst.

     You take a deep breath of the LA air. It's hot and humid and despite the thick air pollution, you can breath easier than you did in Indiana.

     You grew up in Lafayette, Indiana with your older half-brother William. You were raised in the hellish house with your shared father, which you finally managed to escape.

     William left right at eighteen. He tried taking you with him, but you didn't want him to be charged with kidnapping and have the cops on his ass. Now, two years and your father's stolen wallet later, you're finally in the city of dreams.

     "Will!" You yell out, spotting your redheaded other half.

     "Y/N!" He mocks, catching your figure in a crushing hug. He's taller than you, so you have to stand on your tippy toes during the embrace. "Thank God you're alright."

     "I'm fine, I'm happy to finally see you again," you say, a huge grin on your face. "How's the band? Everything going well?"

     "Well enough," he says with a shrug, grabbing your heavy bag and slinging it around his shoulder. "Come on, I'll introduce you to the guys. You already know Izzy of course, but the rest of them."

     The walk to the 'hell house' as Will had called it is filled with catching up. He made sure to keep in contact with you, but the phone calls were always short. It felt nice to have a full length conversation in person with your brother again.

     "Welcome home," Will says, leading you into the house. You grimace when you catch a whiff of stale beer and weed.

     "You seriously live here? This place should be condemned," you say with disgust.

     "And then where would we live?" The oh-so familiar voice of Will's best friend meets your ears. You whip around and fly into his arms.

     "Jeffery! I missed you so much! You really should've tried calling, you ass!" You exclaim. Izzy rolls his eyes but smiles nonetheless, patting your back during the hug.

     "Who's this?" Another man enters the living room— if that's what it should even be called. He's blonde, taller than you but shorter than the other two men in the room. He has kind eyes and the smile he has on his handsome face leaves you speechless.

     "U-uh, hi. I'm Y/N," you say after a moment of shameless gawking. If he noticed, he doesn't mention it.

     "Oh that's right! Axl talks a lot about you! I'm Steven," he says and bounds up to you, catching your hand in a shake. You don't question who the hell 'Axl' is, but you smile stupidly at him and bite your lip with a blush staining your face.

     "No," Will says, glaring at the cute blonde you've taking an immediate liking to. "Absolutely not."

     "William!" You squeak out, pinching his shoulder harsher. He yelps and swats your hand away. Will glares further at you as he ushers you up the creaky stairs to your room. "Nothing happened! And who the fuck is 'Axl'?"

     "I saw how you were looking at him! I'm not naive, Y/N. You were giving him the 'fuck me' eyes! And me, everyone calls me Axl here." You give him a look. "Except you, of course. You can call me Will."

     You don't give him another word as he leads you to your bedroom. He was the one who didn't have a roommate before, and he'd have to share with Slash now but he was determined to give you your privacy.

     "This is the only room with a working lock, use it. Especially when your changing! Three horny men in a house with one you isn't a good combo." You make a face and shake your head, but you can't really tell if he's being overprotective or if his band mates really are pigs.

     "Are you not including Izzy?"

     "Please, he's the only smart one besides me. He knows I'll rip him a new one." You laugh and give Will another hug.

     "I've really missed hanging out with you like this, and thank you for letting me stay here." He nods and rubs your back.

     "No problem, we have each other's backs, always." You nod and release your bother from the hug. "One rule though: no hooking up with the guys. One time thing or not, you don't know them like I do, I won't let you get hurt. So don't even try anything with Steven!"

     "Even if it's nothing sex?" Will levels you with a look that would make you sweat if you were anyone else. You sigh and roll your eyes. "Fine! I promise."

     "Pinky promise?" He asks, holding out his pinky finger. You shake your head but comply anyway, hooking your pinky on his.

     "Wow, bringing out the big guns, pinky promises," you tease.

     "Bitch," he mumbles. You gasp sarcastically.

     "Asshole!" You reply. William takes his leave with another slew of insults under his breath but none to be taken seriously and all with a smile. You shut your door after him and lay on your bed, content with how things are finally beginning to look up.

If you knew where you would be in just a few months of living with your brother and his band, you never would've agreed to the naive promise Will had forced on you. You think back to the day with a frown.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" Steven asks, pecking your bare shoulder as he lays behind you on your bed. You both lay naked and damp with sweat, glowing from the moonlight streaming in the room.

"William," you say with a sigh.

"We just had sex and your thinking of your brother? Should I be worried about you?" Steven asks teasingly. You fight the smile growing on your face and lightly pinch the his arm tightly wrapped around you. He never fails to make you laugh.

"I just feel bad keeping this a secret from him." You turn around to be face to face with Steven. "It's been months of sneaking around. I'm always nervous we'll get caught together or I'll blurt it out to him."

"Then why don't we just tell him?"

"Do you want to die! Steven, honestly, do you have a death wish?"

"No, but—"

"Then we can't tell my brother we're together. He'll murder you, and then probably me one he finds out how long I've been lying to him," you say and move your head in the crook of Steven's neck.

"Then we can be together in the afterlife!" Steven folds his arms around you even tighter. "Seriously though, we can't lie to him forever. We've been together for six months already, surely he'll see how much we care about each other and not want to kill us."

"Yeah, maybe," you say halfheartedly and close your eyes, finally letting yourself fall asleep.

The next night, Guns has a gig at the Whiskey A-Go Go. The ritual goes like it has been, they play the gig, you wait for Will to get drunk, and you and Steven sneak out to the back of the club to make out and maybe get felt up a bit before returning like nothing happened.

It isn't different this time. Steven's hands leave your skin ablaze as he lets them wander down your sides and up your thighs. His lips don't leave yours, even as he squeezes your ass and you let out a moan. He grins on your mouth and presses his pelvis up to your stomach.

His mouth leaves yours to press feather light kisses to your cheek before trailing down your jaw and onto your neck, where he sucks nips at. You have to press a hand to your mouth to stay quiet.

"Don't leave marks," you remind him through batted breath.

"I won't," he reassures and silences you with a chaste kiss to your swollen lips before returning his attack on your neck.

You hear footsteps fast approaching, but as quickly as you hear them, Steven is ripped away from you. He's slammed into the brick wall next to you harshly and groans. You jump away and gasp.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing?" William asks, his voice lower than usual. His green eyes dark and downright scary.

"Will! Let him go, come on. Stop fucking around, you didn't have to slam him into a wall," you say, but your shaky voice falls on deaf ears as Will doesn't move. Your hands grasp at his arm and try to yank him away from Steven, but he's stronger and taller than you and doesn't budge, he just keeps his eyes focused on Steven.

"Nothing!" He squeaks out. Even in the dark, his kiss bruised lips and flushed red face is obvious.

"'Nothing?' That's why you were ten seconds away from fucking Y/N?" Will asks.

"William stop it! You're scaring me! Leave him alone!" You push him again and this time, he relents. Will paces and runs his hand through his red locks while you rush to make sure Steven is ok.

"I'm fine, I'm fine," Steven mutters and presses a kiss to your brow to comfort you, sending you a smile when he pulls away. He keeps his hands on your arms and rubs circles with his thumbs.

"How long has this been going on?" Will asks, crossing his arms as he finally stops his pacing.

"Six months..." Steven says nervously. William scoffs and shakes his head. "But it isn't just fucking around! I love them, Ax. Really."

You smile bashfully, biting your lip to try and contain it. You knew you felt strongly for Steven and that he returned the feelings, but you haven't outright said you loved each other— until know of course.

Will stays silent for a few beats, staring contemplative at Steven. He finally sighs, bring a hand up to rub his temples like he has a building headache.

"Yeah? And you love him, Y/N?" He asks. You nod, reaching out to grab Steven's hand. Steven lets a grin creep on to his face. "Then I guess I can't stop you. But if you ever break their heart, I'll fucking gut you, Adler."

If Will makes Steven nervous, he doesn't show it. He gives him a salute with his puppy dog like smile before sticking out his pinky.

"I promise I'll never hurt Y/N purposely, ever." Will rolls his eyes, the irony makes him nearly groan aloud. He sucks it up anyway when he sees your hopeful expression, hooking his pinky onto Steven's.

"Don't make me regret this, Steven," Will grumbles before leaving and walking back into the crowded club. Steven lets out an exhilarated laugh and kisses you, hard.

"Told you he wouldn't kill me!" Steven exclaims, making you laugh out of surprise.

"And we don't have to sneak around anymore!" Steven kisses you again, and again and again until you're breathless.

"I'm so in love with you," he mumbles between his attack on your lips. You smile, tangling your hands in his aqua-net filled hair.

"As I am with you."

[buckybarnesdiaries]

bucky barnes x reader. masterlist.

part 1 — part 2 (soon)

a / n. this is a series of 15 mini-drabbles to celebrate the 500 followers' milestone, based on one word for each story. this first part contains 8, and the next one contains 7. it was supposed to be posted one story per day, but by that way, it'd take me to last an eternity to post other works / requests.

words. 1.533.

warning, tags. none, just a bunch of fluffy and cute situations with bucky.

join my tag list.

necklace;

It was the first time since you started to date that Bucky had to leave for a mission. Neither of the two of you knew when he'd be back, and that got you worried than ever. You were conscious of what he did for a living when you met him, but you couldn't help but feel scared. Next to the front door of your apartment, Bucky left his backpack on the floor, leaning to cup your cheeks on his palms and kiss your lips tortuously slow.

“I'll be okay, (Y/N)”. He murmured keeping his eyes closed.

“You better”.

Your hidden threat made him giggle. The soldier felt goosebumps bristling his skin as your fingertips toured his neck blindly, just to put in place the chain of his necklace. But soon, Bucky stopped your moves to take it off from him and place his dog tags on you.

“I'll come back for them”. He promised, fixing his pale blue orbs on yours, holding your hands to bring them to his lips and place fond kisses on every knuckle of both. “I love you, don' forget it, okay?”

“I won't... How could I, Buck?”

eclipsed;

Bucky was sweating, still not believing he was about to get married to the love of his life. He was on the altar, waiting for you and surrounded by all of your friends in common. Steve had had to help him with a panic attack he had suffered while dressing up, thinking that maybe you could change your opinion at the last moment. He couldn't blame you. But all those doubts vanished at the second you crossed the huge, heavy doors of the church. Your beauty eclipsed him, wearing a white lace wedding dress and seeming like you floated over the floor. Just like an angel.

His heart jumped. His oceanic eyes got covered in tears. A giggle escaped his lips, stretching a hand towards you, still praying it's not a dream. And you noticed the tension and the nervousness running his veins, leaning forward to kiss his cheek with all the love you felt for your future husband.

“Can't wait to say yes”. You whispered into his ear, causing Bucky to lace his arms around you and embrace you tight and tenderly. “I love you, James, from now and forever”.

sunset;

After his most recent nightmare and walking all grumpy from one side of another around your house, you decided to cheer him up only like you can do. With reluctance, you managed to get him out of your apartment and drag him to your car. Bucky was like a child, cross-armed, lips puckered and frowning annoyed. He tried to hide the fact that he had another nightmare to not worry you, but you weren't stupid.

Thinking that glimpsing the beach throughout the large front window would make him feel happier, your boyfriend just reclined himself on the seat, causing you to roll your eyes. That mood changed as soon as Bucky was sitting on the sand, between your legs, tho. His back was resting against your chest and his neck was wrapped by one of your arms, watching fascinated the sunset on the horizon. He wouldn't recognize it, but he felt much better hearing the waves crashing into the shore, while you stroked his scalp tenderly using the tip of your nails.

“You're welcome, grumpy mummy”.

clingy;

You didn't want to drink, but Sam and Sarah wanted to celebrate that the family business was picking up. On another occasion, you wouldn't mind, but Bucky was there. So, when everything started to spin around, you lead your clumsy steps to the edge of the harbor, having a sit there and let the soft breeze help you.

“Stop”. You heard from behind.

“Uh?”

“You're stealing my antisocial personality”. Bucky chuckled, taking a seat by your side. “What's up? Why are you here all alone?”

“Truth or lie?” You asked tilting your head towards him, raising both eyebrows.

“Truth”. He scoffed as if it wasn't obvious.

“I'm too clingy when I'm drunk”.

“Can't see the problem there”.

You chuckled, shaking your head inevitably, causing him to pucker his lips with a funny grimace.

“What?”

“Tru—”.

“Truth”.

“I've been all night wanting to rub your beard”.

Bucky exploded in loud laughter, not believing your words until you put your hands on his jawline. “God... It's so soft”.

His laughs increased, causing you to burn in shame. “No more drinks for you, ma'am...”

But the fact was that he turned to you, so it could be easy to caress his face.

safe;

Bucky was deadly tired on the sofa, warmly cuddled between your arms. A while ago, he stopped to pay attention to the movie, turning his back to the TV to hide his exhausted expression on your chest. You placed the cozy blanket over your bodies, making sure it covered both of you, being aware that tonight you'd sleep there. You felt sorry just at the thought of waking him up, seeing him peacefully breathing and his face more relaxed than the last few days.

Shutting off the TV and stretching an arm above your head, you turned off the small lamp on the auxiliary table close to the sofa, before getting comfier by Bucky's side. Your boyfriend purred delighted, still sleepy, as your fingers got tangled on his hair and started to scratch his scalp slowly, urging you somehow to place a leg over his waist, so he could settle between both a little more closely.

“Feel better?”

“I feel safe”. He replied in a low breath, to exhale the sweet scent concentrated on your neck.

“You're safe, James. You're at home”. Your calmed tone made him sigh, snuggling you strongly.

stay;

You snapped awake because of some knocks on the front door. Tossing the sheets to a side of the bed, you grabbed the gun under your pillow. It was stupidity. If somebody wanted to kill you, that would be the last thing they'd do: knock the door. You walked slowly, step by step, through the main hallway aiming to the door, more than ready to shoot your assailant.

“It's... Bucky”. You heard from the other side.

Sighing in relief and closing your eyes for a split second, you left the weapon on the dinner table in the living room. Not doubting on opening the door, you couldn't help but raise an eyebrow when you noticed the reddened mark around his left eye and cheek.

“Can I, uh... stay tonight with you?” Bucky inquired, licking his upper lip ashamed, bowing his eyes down to his boots covered in dust.

“C'mon, Sergeant”. You invited him to walk in, using such a sweet tone, while holding his cold hand.

He looked like shit but felt much better when his arms got wrapped around your waist and middle-back, hiding his face into your neck. Kicking the door shut, you embraced him tighter to your body.

notebook;

You were lying on the opposite side to Bucky on the sofa, but keeping your legs tangled. It was a rainy evening with nothing to do and you decided to start to read the book you bought last week. Your boyfriend was silently doing something in a notebook. Maybe writing memories, maybe doodling, you didn't know. But the third time you caught him staring at you, you had to ask.

“What?”

“Uh... nothing”. He whispered focused on the paper in front of his eyes.

“Whaaat?” You kicked his right leg with your bare foot causing him to chuckle.

“Nothing!” Bucky replied using the same playfully tone of voice.

Putting the book on the coffee table, you sat up to lie on top of him, cuddling between his legs and resting your head on his chest. Glancing to the sketch of yourself he was drawing, you raised your heart-eyes to his. It was such a piece of art. The drawing and Bucky. Both.

“I learned in Romania. It kept me sane sometimes”. He confessed, leaning to place a kiss on your forehead. “I want to remember you forever”.

marshmallow;

“Truth or dare?”

Bucky narrowed his eyes, leaning on the table just like you did, challenging him. He was trying to read your mind to figure out which were your intentions.

“Dare”. He answered firmly.

“Put twenty marshmallows in your mouth”.

The soldier stared at you in silence, watching him lick his inner cheek and push it with the tip of his tongue. He nodded his head then, grabbing the plastic bag without losing eye contact, to start to place —one by one— the sweets into his mouth. In less than thirty seconds, he looked like a squirrel with his cheek swollen. Bucky squinted at you again, triumphant.

“Hold on, I need to capture this moment”. You laughed, catching your phone to take a picture.

When the flash went off, he spitted a marshmallow like a shotgun. And you couldn't help but laugh.

“C'mon, Bu—”.

You didn't finish the sentence, being hit by another marshmallow slightly wet because of his saliva. Your grimace turned into a funny disgust, grabbing it back to throw it to his face.

“You're like a five years old in a body fos— STOP!” You ended up giggling as he spitted you the third one.

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[kammieceleek]

Cat's Bride Chapter One.

Tohru Honda always heard her classmates and cousin talking about the game Zodiac Lover. She was always more fascinated by the talk of a supposed impossible route in the game that broke everything if you tried to go down it. But she never played it.

Yet, when she dies in a freak traffic accident, she finds herself in the world of the game. She learns how to survive, and then she meets the one known as 'the most cursed of all'. And this was the one route in the game that she was the only person to take.

******

The prison was a dark and damp place.

She let out a shuddering sigh as she descended the staircase underground. She didn't care for how dirty it was, or the dampness that seemed to seep into her bones whenever she stayed down there too long. But she kept coming back every day because of the one prisoner held there, one who was said to be too dangerous for the outside world and needed to be kept far away from everyone.

She stumbled on the last step, catching herself before she hit the stone floor. Her eyes began to adjust to the dim light, and they landed on the young man in a cage before her. He lifted his head, his dull eyes brightening upon seeing her and he sat upright.

"You're back," he breathed.

"I always come back. Didn't I promise that?"

"Y-yeah, but a lot of people promise things and don't follow through." He turned away from her, and even in the dim lamplight she could see a blush on his cheeks.

He's so cute.

"Well, why'd you come? I already ate today, and cleaning's pointless."

"I came to spend time with you." She sat with her back against the cage. Vaguely, she heard him moving to put his back against hers as much as he could through the bars.

"You didn't have to come. I'd be fine on my own."

"But then you'd be lonely, and I'd be sad." He mumbled something under his breath.

"Do you… feel sorry for me? Is it pity?"

"It's hard not to pity someone who's living in a cage. But that's not why I keep coming back." She smiled even though she knew he couldn't see it. "You're kind, Kyo, whether you know it or not. You aren't a monster or a creature. You're a person, and one day… you'll walk out of here. And I'll be right beside you when it happens."

"Tohru…" His voice was breaking. She slipped a hand through the bars and his fingers linked with hers. Despite the chill, his hands were warm and she felt much less tired than she had when she'd made the journey down here.

They were silent for a moment.

"…I love you." His voice was almost inaudible, but she heard it.

"…I love you, too." She could feel his hand tighten around hers and her heart ached. This wasn't his fault. He shouldn't have been down there.

But he was the Cat, and to the Somas, that made him guilty.

They sat there, just being in each other's presence, not knowing how much time was passing. Eventually, he pulled his hand away.

"You should get back to the damn Dog's house," he said hoarsely, as if he were holding back tears. "They'll notice if you're gone too long."

"I'll come back." They turned to face each other and Kyo leaned forward. She followed suit, and their lips met between the bars.

I will come back. I had to come from another world to meet you, and I'm not letting you go. Not now, and not until there's no possible way for me to stand beside you.

She stood up and started walking towards the stairs. Before she reached the top, she cast one last longing look towards him. His eyes were on her, full of the same desire to be near her.

Then she was out in the moonlight, alone again.

Tohru Honda was used to being alone.

She'd lost her parents in an accident when she was in her first year of high school, and her grandfather had passed not long after. She'd been left to move in with her Aunt Yuna and cousins Kaori and Goro, none of whom were particularly fond of her. So she'd been left alone going through high school. She hadn't had any close friends, only being acquaintances with most of her classmates.

Back then, she'd tried her best to go along to get along. And on that note, many of her classmates had been obsessed with an otome called Zodiac Lover. She often listened to their conversations, and bits and pieces of the game caught her interest. Though it wasn't enough to get her to actually play it, it was fun to hear them all be so excited over people who didn't even really exist.

More than anything about the game, she was interested in an apparent glitched route within it. There was a character who, at first glance, appeared to be the tenth route in the game; however, whenever a player attempted to go down said route, the game would glitch and break until you restarted it. Then things would go back to normal. Kaori played it, too, and she complained that the developer needed to patch it out (whatever that meant) rather than leave it in. Rumors abounded as to the identity of this character, but Tohru graduated high school and moved out of her aunt's house and that was the last she ever heard of the game.

Then, one day, she was on her way to work.

It wasn't a normal day. Part of her wished she'd taken the day off, but rent would be due soon and she needed all the hours she could get. It marked five years since her parents had died in that accident, a train derailment that had claimed the lives of so many others. She'd go visit their graves after her shift, and then go see her grandfather's.

Would they be proud of me?

The rain poured down around her, making her feel sleepy and wish she'd stayed home even more.

She was so lost in her thoughts she didn't hear the screeching tires or the screaming of people telling her to get out of the way until it was too late. The headlights shone in her eyes and she squeezed them shut out of reflex. The pain was immediate as she flew through the air and hit the ground. She knew before anybody started tending to her that this was it. She was dying. Tohru Honda was going to be dead at the age of twenty without anyone to truly mourn her passing.

At the very least, she'd see her parents and grandfather again soon.

Y̴͚̺͊o̵̲͉͐͝ŭ̸͚.̸̜̈͝

…me?

Y̸̥̓̚o̴̥͋͜u̵͙͝'̷̯̪͘r̷͖̝͐ȩ̴͝͝ ̶̦̈́͋ť̷̺̬ȟ̵͎͊ȅ̵̹͌ ̵̢͐̌o̵̡̬͠n̵͉̎͛ͅe̵̹͓͂.̴͎͆͜

S̸͚͝a̷̗v̷̢̔e̷͉̎ ̵̻ḥ̵̇i̶̘͂m̴͕̔.̴̮͌

Save him!

Who are you?

He needs you. You need to find him before it's too late.

Who? Who needs me?

The most cursed of them all.

Tohru gasped as she opened her eyes.

To her shock, she was no longer lying in a puddle on the street. Instead she was kneeling in the hallway of a house of some kind. She certainly didn't recognize it… nor did she recognize the clothes she was wearing. Gone was her work uniform, and in its place was some kind of old-fashioned kimono. Like she was a maid in one of those awful dramas her aunt had watched near-religiously every day that she could remember.

"Honda!"

She jumped at the sudden yell of her last name and looked to see another woman in a matching uniform. The woman was older with graying streaks in her honey-brown hair, and she was clearly not pleased with Tohru.

"S-sorry!" Tohru gasped. "I'm so sorry!"

"Sorry won't get this place cleaned! The master's coming home today, and this house needs to be spotless before he does!"

"Y-yes, ma'am."

"Honestly, I don't know why the Somas even hired you. Lazy, good-for-nothing girl…"

Tohru felt her heart racing.

She'd never heard of the Somas before. They certainly weren't her employers. What was…?

Soma.

The name did ring out as familiar in her head. She tried her best to remember, and that was when she could see the name written on the screen of her cousin's tablet as she played out a game. And this same uniform, on a character in that same game that had enraptured so many girls her age.

She didn't want to believe it. But there was only one way to be sure.

Taking a deep breath, she smacked her cheeks in an effort to wake herself up. It didn't work. She was still there. Her eyes went to the bucket and rag before her, and to the dirty floor. Well, if she was stuck here, she might as well do something that was at least mildly familiar. She got to work, scrubbing the floor like she did back home and before too long it was as spotless as her apparent superior had wanted. The older woman returned and nodded.

"Good. I see you just need a bit of encouragement."

"Yes, ma'am. I promise I won't slack off again." It was just like dealing with her boss at work. Then again, this woman was her boss now.

"Good girl. Don't forget to wash up before you make the master's dinner. He's having a guest tonight." The woman gestured down the hall towards what was most definitely a kitchen.

Tohru nodded in confirmation and stood up, taking the bucket with her. She glanced down and realized that while her clothes and location had changed, her face was the same. How was this possible? She couldn't remember if there was ever a character like this in the actual game. Kaori would know, but Kaori wasn't there.

She let out a sigh and headed towards where her boss had pointed. The kitchen was largely empty, save for the ingredients, and she felt that sense of familiarity she had while cleaning. This was something else she could do. Cooking was one of her favorite ways to pass the time, and she hadn't cooked for someone else since she'd moved out of her aunt's house. So rather than dread or confusion, she felt excited.

I have to make the most of this until I find out what's going on.

Save him.

That voice again. The one that had spoken when she was struck by the car. Who did she need to save? Who were they talking about?

She shook her head. Right now, she had to cook dinner for the house's master and his guest, whoever they might be.

She rolled up her sleeves and got to work chopping vegetables. Everything was so similar to back home that it was startling. Sure, the tools were a little less sophisticated but they did the jobs they needed to do. And even though she'd never worked with a stove or oven like the ones they had here, she already knew that those kinds of things tended to do what they wanted depending on age or use, so she knew to check them often to make sure nothing burned and everything cooked properly.

"Tohru!"

She turned around to see another young woman in a maid's uniform entering the kitchen. The newcomer had golden blonde hair and she was taller than most of the people Tohru had ever known.

"Hi!" Tohru greeted her.

"Man, Hamasaki put you on this by yourself again? You've got to stop being such a pushover."

"I know, but… cooking's so easy! And it's fun!"

"If you say so. I just came to see if you needed a hand."

"I won't say no to some help! Could you put those veggies in the pot, please?"

"No problem."

Tohru suddenly felt awful. Obviously this girl was her friend, but she didn't even know her name! How terrible must she look to this person?

"Um… this is going to sound really dumb, but… who are you?"

"Jeez, cleaning duty's gotten to you. I'm Arisa Uotani. We've been friends since we got here?"

"Right! Sorry, Uo-chan!" The name slipped out so easily, as if she'd been calling the other girl that for years.

"It's all right. Hanajima and I know how spacey you get."

Spacey? Then… this Tohru Honda really  is  me?!

"So, er, do you know anything about the master's guest?"

"Not much. He's supposed to be a member of the main family, just like Shigure. All I know is he's supposed to be a real prince of a character."

"Oh, really? Well, thank you for your help. I've got it from here, if Hamasaki has anything else she needed you to do…?"

"Yeah, thanks. I'll see you later."

Shigure's the master of the house. I think he was Kaori's favorite route in the game. But a prince… I know who it is. Nobody would stop talking about him in school. It's Yuki. It's got to be.

There was no doubt in her mind now. She was in the world of Zodiac Lover, and as it stood, she had no way out.

[angelswithcigarettes]

[If you know me - you don’t.]

“Becoming one”

Summary: Spencer sleeps with both Hotch and Morgan, both of them are aware that he does with the other too.

This is the first time they have a threesome.

Warnings: Sexual Content

Relevant Tags: Light Sub/Dom

Word Count: 3077

Ao3:

[This is the first time I have ever written something like this - my insecurity is kicking in ]

First Chapter:

Giving up control this is what this is about,at least that is what the profiler inside of him thinks. Giving yourself in someone else's hands, not thinking,just doing what you are told.

The first person who ever makes Spencer feel like he isn't in control but not spiraling was Hotch. Hotch who had taken him in his motel bad, gently thrusting into him, while Spencer whines underneath him.

He had never felt something similar, the handjob he got ones from a women five years ago was something totally different than what Hotch was doing. Hitting the spot that makes a shutter spread throughout his body, mumbering sweet words into his ear. His arms next to his head, protecting him from everything bad in the world.

They didn't stop after that, whenever Hotch gets frustrated with Haley,whenever something goes wrong on the job he will come to him, pressing him into the mattress of his wide bed, his bedroom dark, it had always been at night.

The first time with Morgan was different, Morgan had been ruthless at first but the times after that had been gentle. Oh he hadn't known someone could be this gentle and loving with him. Spencer could cry at the warm feeling inside of him that spreads by Morgan's actions. By Morgan's words. It isn't all about sexuality with Morgan as it is with Hotch.

He had told Morgan from the start. The second time he recognised what was about to happen he had stopped him and Morgan could see the fear in his eyes, and stopped immediately, sitting down on the bed and pulling Spencer's legs on top of his now laying next to his waist as he carefully runs his hands up and down while Spencer stumbles over his words. "I am sleeping with Hotch."

"Excuse me?" Morgan had stopped moving his hands.

"I said I have been sleeping with Hotch over the last months."

"But you aren't-"

"No! No- No I wouldn't do that he just- he just likes to- likes to- you know- be a little bit harsher sometimes." Morgan had a hard time not to chuckle at Spencer's innocent way of telling him how Hotch fucks him senseless.

"And you okay with that?"

"Very!"

"And you are okay with sleeping with me too?"

"Yes. Hotch wouldn't mind."

"Alright, then I don't see any reason why we shouldn't do this."

Hotch had been a little bit more unpleasant about it. "How long?"

"Only three times over the last two weeks."

"And you are only telling me now?"

"I am sorry- I- I- I didn't think you would mind." Uncertain if he fucked up, Spencer had looked down on lap playing with his hands until Hotch lifted his face by his chin and then had started kissing his neck. He would never kiss him on the mouth. Spencer assumes it is because of Haley. He hopes he never has to look her into the eyes. But he could feel the possessive touch the sex had after he had told him,how he marked him up, leaving hickeys like a horney teenage boy at his collarbone and bite marks on his tight.

The two man never spoke to each other about it. It had been four months of both of them sleeping with Spencer but never bought it up in a conversation but their actions tell each other the unspoken fight they have over who has the upper hand when it comes to Spencer.

It was a wonder no one on the team had noticed yet.

Morgan would tease Hotch by subtitle touching Spencer whenever he can, it doesn't draw anyones attention,they are close friends and the touches are innocent. Sometimes firmer like moving Spencer to the side with both hands on his hips or putting an arm around him while they look at a file.

Hotch doesn't have the luxury, if he would suddenly start touching Spencer,it would cause suspicion and was also unprofessional.

What both of them see is how Spencer melts in their attention. How he leans into the touch and how he crumbles under Hotch's firm hand.

The first time they talk about Spencer is when he doesn't show up for work, eventhough they both excuse it with their relationship just being sex, their both have a close relationship to him, and care deeply for him.

"Have you seen Spence he was supposed to be here? Has he called in sick?"

"No,he hasn't called. I will check in on him,close the door." Morgan steps into Hotch's office closing the door behind him. They always had the tendency to edge on. To easily break out into a fight but that doesn't stop either one of them from trusting the other when it comes to the job. When it comes to working as a team. And in the end, no matter how much teasing there is,Spencer is, in both of their eyes,the one that is suppose to be the one being happy. "Mailbox. I will try again later it's still early maybe he over slept."

"Alright, tell me if he calls?"

"Of course." Morgan was just about to leave when Hotch asks him to stay back.

"We don't have to talk about it-"

"We do. We should have a long time ago."

"You want to do that here?" Sceptical Morgan looks around the room.

"If you are comfortable with that."

"I am." Morgan sits down in the chair in front of Hotch's desk.

"I think we should be more open to each other about this. I think we should talk about thinks."

"Not above his head. With him."

"Of course." As if they summoned him the door opens and Spencer freezes in his place.

"I am sorry sir I didn't knock. Just wanted to let you know, that I am sorry for being late."

"Apology accepted why don't you come in and close the door behind you?"

"Sir?"

"That's an order." Morgan watches Spencer submit to the request and then sits down in the chair next to Morgan's. "We were just talking about you."

"Why? Did I do something wrong?" Wounded Spencer looks at Hotch and then at Morgan his eyes alerted at the possibility of them ending things.

"No,god no." Morgan suppresses the urge to physically comfort him. Since they started this, whenever Spencer even looks the slightest bit upset he wants to hold him, to kiss him,to protect him.

"We- or at least I thought that it would be nice to have things more communicated between the three of us." Hotch explains leaning forward on his desk and folding his hands.

"What is there to communicate?"

"Nothing you don't want." Morgan gives in to his urges and gently strokes the hair out of Spencer's face. "But I think Hotch means trying thinks with the three of us? And in generally me and Hotch talking more instead of just ignoring the fact that both of us sleep with you."

"The three of us?"

"Only if you want." Hotch assures him. "Nothing will happen that you don't want you know that."

Second chapter:

The first thing that gets changed is the fact that he and Morgan don't have a safeword. Hotch nearly rips Morgan's head off when he finds out but Morgan and Spencer just didn't to stuff before were he thought that was required but they decided on a safeword and the colour system just like Hotch and him use it.

And Morgan takes it seriously, when he learns that it makes Spencer feel a lot safer. "You good?"

"Yes?"

"Colour?"

"Green." Green means he is okay and that they can continue. Yellow means to slow down and maybe move on to something different and red means stop. He starts moving inside of him, making him moan ones.

"Don't be quiet."

The second thing that gets changed is that the other knows when Spencer is with one of them.

But the third thing, and that makes Spencer the most nervous is trying things with all three of them.

While Hotch would just ring at the door and then quickly move things into the bedroom, Morgan normally takes his time with him first, making sure he isn't interrupting Spencer with anything, spending time with him that isn't just sex and they had talked about it and Spencer after a lot of nudging from both of them gave in and shyly said how he wanted it to go down and that he would be more comfortable spending time together first and Hotch, against Spencer's believes doesn't mind at all.

They go to a football game. It wasn't anything that both of them had expected but Spencer had asked for something that completely rules out the possibility that they start things early and it pained both of them to see how self consciousness Spencer was about voicing his needs.

Hotch is having the most guilt when he leaves Spencer's apartment late at night, Spencer bruised up in his bed, fast asleep.

Morgan's guilt hits the most over the day when he sees Spencer failing miserably at tasks, doing things like a child would do them, he sometimes thinks he takes his innocence away.

Spencer is sitting in Morgan's lap, being erger about understanding the game while Hotch isn't sure if it isn't just a facade to cover up his anxious mind about what will happen later. Morgan has one arm wrapped around him, holding him in place.

"Spencer breathe." Hotch reminds him in his ramble and Spencer looks at him and for a moment he can see the how frighten he us and he knows Morgan had seen it too.

They don't try it that evening the moment when they come home instead when they arrive at the apartment they sit down at the table in the kitchen and Spencer tells them how he is afraid because Morgan and Hotch are as different as people in bed can be.

"Why does that scare you?"

"I don't want one of you to- to feel left out."

"That is what scares you this much?" Hotch asks his face softening even more.

"I don't want to have to chose."

"You won't have to."

"You promise?"

"Yeah." Hesitant Hotch puts his hand above Spencer's. "Is there something else?"

"No."

"Are absolutely sure?" Morgan questions, he has the feeling Spencer isn't telling them everything that is on his mind and Hotch had too but Spencer assures them he will be fine.

Third chapter:

Spencer and Morgan are the first ones to be naked. Morgan sitting against the headboard and Spencer between his legs while Hotch still strips in front of them, Morgan's hand moving up and down Spencer's inner thigh calming him down while he slowly gets hard and then he giggles ones, at Hotch stumbling over something on the floor and Morgan didn't think he would ever see the day his boss makes himself look redicules just so Spencer relaxes.

He moves onto the bed, pressing a kiss to Spencer's lips, shocking the younger Agent and then starting to move down his neck while Morgan's hands with ever stroke up and down moves closer to his crotch until the first time a finger touches his length and he whimpers ones in Hotch's mouth who moves his knees up nudging Spencer's cock ones and then moving it back again but pressing him more into Morgan's chest and Spencer can feel Morgan's erection against his back and a little moan escapes Morgan's lips as he feels the man pressing against it. And for a moment it was just that, Hotch kissing him, while he tries to find out what makes Morgan feel good in the moment and then he remembers how he can't also help Hotch and he starts spiraling again. The thing that this should help him with acts up and he moves his hands up to Hotch's chest to push him off, gaining space but the man doesn't react and his heart is pounding, skipping a beat and then luckily Morgan catches Spencer's distress. "Hotch stop." He does, moving back from Spencer and Morgan pulls his leg away from him closing them so Spencer isn't feeling his erection anymore and Spencer sobs ones. Trying to catch a breath and Hotch leans forward pulling him into a hug.

"It's okay, you are okay."

"I don't want it anymore."

"That's okay,you are okay,no one is mad at you." He pulls Spencer in his lap, and Morgan takes a blanket wrapping it around Spencer before he leans down against Hotch's chest, calming down slowly while Morgan gets dressed. "You did nothing wrong, it's okay." Hotch presses a kiss to Spencer's forehead. "Its okay."

Since Hotch is the one he clinches too,he is the one staying the night,making sure Spencer is okay and he can see the relive on Morgan's face when Spencer walks into the bullpen next morning.

Fourth chapter:

It takes two months for them to try again. "Breath baby boy." Morgan tells him pulling him closer to his chest, this time Morgan is still wearing sweatpants, as he hold him. "It's alright, we will stop anytime and we will tell you what to do." Erger and afraid at the same time he nods, biting down on his lip and Morgan presses a kiss to his cheek and Hotch moves in again, kissing him on the mouth but quickly going down on him, placing kisses all over his tight while Morgan kisses his neck and cheek, until Spencer squirmes between his leg and both man stop. "Colour?"

"Green." He presses Morgan's hand ones and then brings out:"Feels good. It feels nice." And Morgan can see the bulb in Spencer's underwear that was the only thing keeping him from being completely naked. "Please keep going?" He more asks then tells Hotch and the man laughs ones, kissing him again and then moves down again.

"Can I?" Passionate but agitated Hotch looks up to Spencer, his hand at the waistband of his underwear.

"Yes." Ones the underwear was gone Morgan moves his hand down, stocking the length and Hotch moves from the bed getting rid of his clothes and then moves back into his positions starting to kiss his inner tights again till his mouth meets Spencer's hard penis and he first only takes the head in his mouth. Playing with his tongue while Spencer grabs Morgan's hand harder turning his head and buring it in his neck,panting when Hotch stops asking for his colour. "Green."

"You promise?"

"Yes- yes keep going." Hotch does eventhough normally he is the one commenting him around. And Spencer feels Morgan's free hand guiding down his ass cheeks until one finger strokes his hole and he flinches, his knee jerking up almost hitting Hotch in the face.

"Hey, hey, it's okay. It's okay. You are doing good." Morgan promises him, not taking his hand away but leaning down to the mean clinching to his arm, having his face pressed against Morgan's shoulder. "Breath in and out what is wrong?"

"I don't know." Gently Hotch opens his legs again, pressing his knees down into the mattress and starts again while Morgan gets him used to his hand before he puts one finger in and Hotch is still going down on him and he doesn't know if he can hold much longer. "I am gonna cum."

"That's okay."

"No."

"It is, cum for us." Morgan tells him moving his finger up and down knowing that this is still all Hotch's work.

"Aaron-" Spencer's hand moves up to Hotch's hair. "I am gonna- Please-" Morgan uses the moment and adds a second finger and when he comes, with a loud moan and Hotch moves back he flips him over, still panting from the orgasm and Morgan moves his fingers up and down his hole while Hotch starts jerking himself off, both of the other man painfully hard but wanting to make sure Spencer gets the most pleasure out of this. "Colour?"

"Yellow." Morgan slows down a little bit giving Spencer time to get used to the two fingers and then eventually moves them. Opening them causing Spencer to moan and then he moves in a third and finding Spencer's sweet spot making him jerk but Morgan presses him down again.

"You think you can take Hotch already?" Hotch makes a mental note to remind Morgan to not call him that in bed.

"Please." Morgan leans down pressing a kiss to Spencer's cheek and hits the spot a few more times before pulling out and moving away from him, getting out of his clothes while both men make Spencer wait, who is moving against the sheets wanting to please the erection that is forming again but Hotch stops him and when Morgan was back on the bed, he pulls Spencer up by his hip. "Please Aaron. Please- Please ." To Spencer's surprise the moment Hotch's top meets his hole Morgan grabs his cock, stocking up and down and Hotch pushes in carefully,making Spencer whimper.

"It's okay, breath." He let's him catch his breath and Morgan slowly starts moving his hand up and down again while Hotch gives him more time. "You okay?"

"To much." Morgan stops and moves between Spencer and the headboard starting to kiss him while Hotch starts to move and then guides Spencer head down to his own penis and Spencer gets adjusted and starts sucking him off, moaning around his length whenever Hotch hits his postage and eventually gags when he hits harder and they slow down for a moment making sure he is okay and then Hotch continues and Morgan comes first and Spencer swallows most of it looking up to him with cum dripping down from his chin shortly before he cums himself and then places his head on Morgan's tight while Hotch continues thrusting into him till he comes inside of him.

"Come here." Morgan pulls Spencer up kissing him on the mouth, pulling him closer into his lap and Hotch stands up, walking into the bathroom were he let's a bath running to place Spencer in who tiredly lets Morgan wash him while Hotch holds his head.

"Don't fall asleep." With foam on his hands he wipes hair out of his face, making him look up to him with big and slightly red glassy eyes and gets why Morgan finds so much comfort in taking care of him.

[chanlixformysoul]

Sounds easy, right? [ Chanlix ]

rating: mature

word count: 2217

chapter: 1

next chapter: 2

summary:

➥ Felix was sent to kill Chan but he got hurt and now Chan is nursing Felix back to health, they might also fall in love on the way.

song recommendation:

estimated reading time: 17.1 minutes

ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ≀ˍ̮ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚˚

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Felix would sneak his way in, kill Chan and get his goddamn money.

But oh boy he was in for a ride. The 'Big Boss' as people would call him wasn't that big nor great at all, he was just the co-CEO of the company, one position away from being the big CEO. His brother, Chan's dad, died besides his mother 7 years ago in a car accident , leaving Chan as CEO of the company. The Big Boss used Felix whenever he wanted to, but he never put Felix in a position like this before, to kill a person. He knew that if he disobeyed the Big Boss he would get beaten up and tortured, plus he would never get the money promised back and the fact that he was a cat hybrid didn't help either. The Big Boss told Felix to kill Chan, he would sneak in his house and get rid of him because he needed to not because he wanted to.

Sounds easy, right?

Well it actually isn't, not when Felix tripped because the welcome mat at the entrance was crooked sending his head into the door with a loud thump sound. As he tried to get away fast he lost his balance and was sent once again flying down the big and grand staircase. The door immediately opened, revealing a distressed looking man, shirt halfway undone and one shoe off. Felix knew Chan rushed outside because of the noise that he made but he couldn't help but admire his figure.

'Hey buddy, care to explain?' Chan said as he crossed his arms one over another raising his eyebrows.

'I umm... actually.... sorry, I gotta go.' But little did he know that falling down a huge staircase can do this much. Pain started to shoot from his ankles to his ribs and back. The big impact with the door sure left it's mark as he felt blood dripping from his blonde locks to his eyebrows. He pulled himself from the ground, trying to not make a fool out of himself more than he actually did earlier, wincing and shooting silent cuss words at himself for being so goddamn stupid.

Before he could walk down the street, he wanted to run but he weighed his options and he knew that if he started running it was only a matter of two steps before he came crashing to the ground once again.

He was about to do his second step but suddenly a hand on his shoulder stopped him.

'What the heck happened to you?'

'Oh... as I said I have to go, sorry.'

'You're not going anywhere, not with that head of yours.'

Felix couldn't believe what just happened, he screwed up the mission. He could say goodbye to this month's rent, goodbye to any decent meal he would allow himself to buy with the money check. Maybe if Big Boss would have some mercy he could leave him and not kill him, maybe he would understand, but deep down Felix knew he was gonna be tortured again by the thoughts of affording to even live when he opens his eyes every morning.

He couldn't stop trembling and his legs started shaking with fear of being killed by Big Boss because of his failed mission. Before he knew it he started crying, like full on sobbing and at last collapsed to the ground leaving a distressed Chan picking him up and urgently calling his doctor to come see the boy.

Chan was confused, really confused. This boy, he wanted to do something, right? But at the same time he couldn't help but feel a little weird because of the younger one. He had such a pretty face, rosy cheeks accompanied by constellations of freckles, lips that looked like petals of the rarest and finest flower you could find on earth. Chan found himself admiring the boy after the doctor left. As the doctor said it there weren't such serious issues but it wasn't something little either. The paper entitled prescription was long and let's say not even close to Felix's budget.

Chan kept a washing cloth by his side all the time, slowly stroking the youngest arms and forehead. He placed Felix on his bed justifying his actions in his head saying 'the couch is too small'. As he was making his way to the kitchen,Chan saw a little head that popped up in his bed. He made sure to bring the glass of water and the pills that the doctor prescribed. Felix woke up, and by that he knew he had officially fucked up real hard.

He tried to escape the blanket, kicking it off of him but the pain started once again as well. His ribs, back, legs, head and ankles hurt like hell. As he cleared his vision he saw Chan... he was done for sure.

'Hi there, I see that you woke up. Don't worry just stay in bed and take these. Oh and the bill for the medication, I took care of it.' He simply said smiling while placing the pills and water down on the nightstand.

Felix immediately came to his senses when Chan sat besides him on the bed. He tried to get off the bed but he was once again stopped but this time not only by the immense pain, but by strong arms.

'Where are you going?'

'To my house? I didn't ask for your kindness you know? You could've just let me be on the ground. It would've been better that way for the both of us trust me.' Felix said with no emotion in his voice.

'Hey, you can go to your home once you will recover, I'm not letting you out like this especially at this hour.' That made Felix turn his head for the nearest thing that indicated time only to read it as 11:34 pm. Fucking great isn't it. He knew the busses wouldn't be out that late and he knew that from this wealthy neighbourhood to his small apartment was an immense distance that he couldn't travel by foot.

'At least tell me your name, mines Chan.'

'Felix...'

'That's a cute name, Felix.' Chan said while trying to get the younger one to look at him in the eyes. He was getting closer and closer until he saw that Felix was crying once again.

'Hey what's wrong? Did I make you uncomfortable?'

'I failed, I'm gonna be left in the streets again, I'm so sorry. Please let me go, please. I'm a bad person, you don't want me here.' Felix continued sobbing, putting his hands to cover up his face and turning his head so Chan couldn't look at him.

'No you're not a bad person, Felix. If you want you can stay here with me, I'm always lonely, I rarely go out because of my work. I'm either at work or at home. You can stay with me for as long as you want to, I won't force you, just come here...' Chan says looking at Felix with gentleness in his eyes before climbing over the mattress to hug the youngest little frame.

'It's okay, Lix, I'm here you don't need to worry'

'Why are you being nice to me? I was supposed to do a bad thing to you.' He says sniffing and letting more tears fall down.

'Felix, I like you, that's why I'm being nice to you, I want you to stay with me, please tell me what's wrong' Chan said, voice trembling, not knowing what to do.

'Please don't hit me or do something, your uncle s-send me to kill you, I didn't want to but he would torture me if I didn't and I wouldn't get the money, I need the money so I can live, I'm sorry ' Felix sobbed harder than before as he looked at Chan. Chan shifted, Felix immediately twitched expecting a slap and then to be beaten up and thrown away just like Big Boss's men do with him all the time, Felix was shaking so much he fell out the bed into the hard and expensive wood flooring. His back started hurting more but that didn't matter he started to run to the door. Chan was quick and caught him pulling him to his chest.

'Did uncle really say that?'

Felix couldn't even look in Chan's eyes as he nodded. Tears trailed down his cheeks again.

'I'm sorry, I'm going to leave you. I don't have the money for the medication but I will give it to you, I promise just please don't hurt me. I swear I will disappear and you don't have to see me again, I promise...' Felix cried into his hands, his knees starting to give in so he dropped to the floor. He winced in pain as he made contact with the floor. He felt exhausted but he would go to his apartment, he had to.

Chan quickly went down to Felix picking him up while whispering that he's not mad at him and that he is just a little shocked. Felix was still saying that he didn't need to be carried, he just wanted to go home but Chan insisted that he will have to stay here till his pain is gone. Felix being exhausted physically and emotionally he agreed. Chan carried Felix to his bed placing him gently on it.

'Let's sleep for now, we will talk tomorrow,ok?'

'It's ok' said Felix going down on the floor again, this time intentionally. Chan just watched the younger not understanding what he was doing.

'Good night.' Said Felix as he laid on the cold flooring, feeling his back and ribs ache.

'Felix I-' Chan was cut off by Felix.

'Oh sorry, I will go in the living room'

'No, don't do that. I was just wondering what you were doing on the floor?'

'Trying to sleep?' He said looking confused as well.

'Felix, come here' Chan said as he patted the space next to him.

'I know we've just met a few hours ago but please stay with me, I beg you'

'I don't know, Chan, I have nothing to offer you, I have no family, no friends, no money, I'm also a cat hybrid. I'm practically useless, better off dead.' He said as he slowly got on the bed, staying on the edge so he could occupy less space than he needed to.

'Don't say that, come closer, I want to hug you if that's ok'

Felix didn't say anything he just got closer to the older. Raising his head to look at Chan, he found the older's eyes comforting, this time Felix hugged Chan burying his face in Chan's chest and collarbone. Chan let out a chuckle, Felix feeling the vibration through his chest.

'So what's your answer?'

'If I'm not a bother, I want to stay.'

'That's perfect then, can we sleep like this? I want to cuddle you while sleeping.' Felix turned red feeling his ears burning.

'O-ok then' Chan only nodded in agreement, setting them down. Felix didn't know what to do so he just stayed still not even daring to look at Chan.

'Do you not want to cuddle?' Asked Chan as he propped his head up a little.

'I never did it before, I don't know what to do...' he looked down in embarrassment.

'Really? That's okay. Do you want to face me or not?'

'I want to see your face'

'Okay then, sweetheart, come closer'

Felix could only smile at the sudden nickname clinging to the older, as he snuggled into him.

'I'm sorry for everything'

'You didn't do anything, bub, it's all ok now, we are together and that's what matters in the end.'

'Aren't you mad at me? I got you in so much trouble...I feel bad, i didn't want to accept the task, but I didn't have another choice, they would torture me and beat me and then throw me out like a dog... I didn't want that to happen again, I'm sorry Chan, I really am...' Felix said looking up at Chan, putting a hand gently on Chan's cheek.

Chan put his hand above Felix's hand noticing how tiny it was.

'Don't worry, it's none of your fault, you were the victim and as soon as you get better we will go and confront uncle.'

'No, please don't do that, please. You will get in trouble for me and he will come for you. I don't want to lose you' Felix started tearing up again but now Chan was here for him. Chan held him closer whispering that everything is okay.

'Don't worry Felix, uncle will be punished for everything he has done to you. I can't believe he will actually do that to someone, how cruel can one be?'

'Thank you, Chan, for helping me and letting me stay with you.'

'Felix, no need to worry, okay? You're here with me from now on. Let's sleep, it's gotten late.'

'Thank you, Channie.....' Felix mumbled cutely as he drifted into the land of dreams but this time his dreams weren't nightmares this time, his dreams were full of Chan's face, laugh, touch.....he was feeling happy. Was he allowed to feel that way?

᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚˚✧₊⁎❝᷀ົཽ≀ˍ̮ ❝᷀ົཽ⁎⁺˳✧༚˚

my ao3: Mrs_SnowPitch

my wattpad: ChanlixForMySoul

my masterlist: iza’s masterlist

[justanotherlifeff]

Levi Ackerman × reader

Genre: Angst, Hurt/comfort, Fluff, matured themes, slowburn

Warning: There's mentions and descriptions of underage rape and suicidal themes

After your mom and dad were dead, you promised yourself that you won't get attached anymore. They were the only people you trusted except Commander Erwin. You joined the training camp at the age of 16 in hopes for becoming a Survey Corp soldier like your mentor, Commander Erwin. You knew that your parents would've been proud of you if you gave your life up for humanity like they did.

You were made to stand in a line while Ex Commander and now, Instructor of the trainee corps, Shadis was giving a speech about how hard training could be. You weren’t paying much attention because you knew how hard it could get. You got personal training from Commander Erwin anyway. You were told that you would do a training exercise where you would balance on two ropes so that you can use the 3DMG. You personally were looking forward to this as that's the only thing Erwin didn't teach you and you liked learning new things. You easily balanced on the ropes like most of the cadets. You noticed this other girl with black hair who was really good at this too. You assumed that maybe getting to know her won't be a bad idea. There was only one person who fell face down on the ropes. The instructor shouted at him and dismissed everyone.

That night, the guy who fell down talked about seeing titans. Apparantly his mother was eaten by one. You got bored when he started talking about how he wanted revenge and told him, "Would revenge really bring your mother back? It's pointless to think about revenge when you get nothing out of it. If you want to kill titans, do it for humanity. That's the reason I'm here." The boy got all mad and said "You wouldn't understand how it feels to see your mother getting killed!". That's when this other guy said something that made you regret talking at all. He said "Ofcourse she wouldn't know. She is a murderer herself. I don't know why they even let her into the training after she killed that Garrison soldier. She's a fucking traitor.". This did hit a nerve but you remained calm and kept your usual straight face and replied "Well, maybe you should be scared of me then. You must know how I killed that man" and with that, you walked away. You decided that maybe keeping to yourself was probably the better choice as you sat outside the house assigned for cadets on the porch. That's when the black haired girl sat beside you with that stupid boy who talked earlier about revenge. "Sorry. I didn't know." said the boy but you didn't reply. "My name is Mikasa and he's Eren. He can be a bit childish at times. Please don't mind that. What's your name?" asked the black haired girl. "(Y/N)" you replied. After a pause, you muttered, "It's okay".

1 year later

The people from the cadet corps started getting friendlier to you with time. You avoided most of them though as making friends wasn't your objective. You stayed close to Mikasa and Eren, even if you found Eren absolutely immatured due to his big talk upon how titans aren't a big deal. One thing you had learnt from Erwin was that to never underestimate your foes. You were already excelling in every aspects of military training, with you and Mikasa being on the same level in most cases, except 3DMG training, where you apparantly were prodigious due to your light weight and aerobic skills, which made you extremely agile. The instructor was greatly pleased with your progress and your disciplined nature and was surprised when he heard about your intentions for joining the survey corps. "With skills like yours, you can easily get into the interior military police, Cadet (L/N). Are you sure that you want to put your life at stake for humanity?" he asked you one day. "Sir, my life is as meaningless as it could be and I would rather put it at stake for humanity's victory. That way, there may be some meaning to my existance." you answered him. "The survey corps need more brave soldiers like yourself, Cadet (L/N). Only then, perhaps, humanity can retake wall Maria and be victorious against the titans." the instructor replied to it. You leaned on the fence of the courtyard of the cadet corps training grounds, watching everyone practice hand to hand combat. This was a regular routine among the soldiers. There were people like Eren who were serious about this, people like Sasha and Connie, who fooled around, people like Jean, who thought it's pointless to learn hand to hand combat and people like yourself and Annie, who didn't bother hurting others as both of you were too good at this. However, today was different as it seemed like Mikasa challenged Annie onto a hand to hand combat. Mikasa was strong and good at what she did but Annie was more agile, and she didn't rely on the typical fighting techniques taught at the trainee corps. Her fighting pattern was unpredictable, something Erwin did during your sword fight lessons with him, the ones where you never won against him. The fight was eventually stopped by Instructor Shadis, as they were almost killing eachother. The fight was going clearly on Mikasa's favour though. You made a mental note to yourself that you would fight Mikasa the next day, just to brush up your hand to hand combat skills.

The next day

You did exactly what you had planned. You challenged Mikasa and both of you were on your battle stances now. You went for your usual defensive position as Mikasa charged at you. You tried using her height to topple her but she got your hand and tried to get you down with her. You figured that there was a possibility of that happening and you were prepared for it as you fell over her and immediately twisted yourself in position, grabbing the wooden knife from her hand as her hand weakened while she fell down. You used your leg to secure her hand while you were in safe distance from her legs, near her chest as you pointed the knife to her neck. "I win" you muttered with a monotoned voice before you helped her get up and shook hands with her. "That was a good fight." Mikasa replied with a stoic expression. That's when the other cadets started begging you to fight Annie. You decided not to disappoint them and challenged Annie.

As you both went into your stances, you noticed that Annie was going defensive. You decided to change your usual tatics and went into an offensive stance. You charged towards Annie and you noticed that she would use your weight against you. As she picked you up, trying to throw you off, you wrapped your legs around her shoulder and brought her down. The wooden knife went flying from her hand and you caught it, pointing at her neck as you held her hands at her back. You helped her up after that and before she walked away, you told her, "Oi Annie, could you show me that move of yours that you taught Eren?". " Why should I? You're already better than I am at this." she asked with a frown. "I'd rather be on the safe side by knowing as much self defence as I can" you answered. "Aren't you joining the survey corps? You wouldn't need all these against titans anyway." Annie told me, her frown getting deeper. "The most that titans could do to me is kill me. I'm not afraid of death. What I'm afraid of are humans. They can make you suffer things worse than death and I would like to avoid that." you answered. "Very well, this is how you do it" Annie told you as she approached you to show you her moves.

A week later

"Oi (Y/N)! Instructor Shadis is calling for you! He commanded me to do the mopping for today and gave you a day off... How the hell do you always get off work like that?" Eren grumbled as he approached you. You had cleaning duties for the mess hall today and you were mopping the floor when Eren came running at you. You were dismissed from cleaning duties a few times before as well because Commamder Erwin, or as you called him, Uncle Erwin came to visit. You usually call him Uncle Erwin when the two of you are in private but you supposed that you should stick to commander infront of others to maintain the formality now that you joined the military. However, you never were in a situation where you had to call him commander before. Nonetheless, Eren took advantage of those few times you got dismissed to make up the statement that you always get excused from cleaning duties. These were exactly the reason that you found him annoying but at the same time, he was one of the few people who were nice to you and wasn't intimidated at the same time and thus, you remained friendly with him. "Thanks for the help" you muttered to him before going to report to Instructor Shadis.

"State name and business" you heard his voice from the other side of the door to his office. Being called to the Instructor's office was usually a dreadful thing for most cadets, specially Sasha, as the only reason they'd get called was to get punished because of their stupidity. You, however, were never called in for indiscipline and instead you usually were called to meet Erwin, to discuss your future career as the instructor personally talked to Erwin about your progress so that you get placed into a good squad after graduation. "It's cadet (L/N). You called me, sir." you answered. You got in the office after he told you to come in. "Sit down" he commanded you and you sat on the chair facing him. "You're at the top of the class at 3DMG training, fitness training, and now, according to the recent marked hand to hand combat training, you're at the top of the class there too. On academics, you are on a tie with cadet Arlet at most subjects except geography and history of titans since you are always in second place in those subjects. On the other hand, you are terrible with horses. If you can improve one of the two, you can be the first of the class but if your skills with horses don't improve, you can give up your dream of joining the survey corps." he told you. "I understand sir but, I don't know how to make those horses like me when all they want to do is kick me." you answered in a monotoned voice. "Yes, I noticed that. I will assign you with cadet Braus. She is gifted with animals. She can help you out with getting one of those horses in control. Your training starts from tommorow. You are dismissed." Instructor shadis told you before dismissing you.

The next week

"Here, take these" with that, Sasha handed you a basket of apples. Apples were expensive now but it seemed like there was no other option than to bribe the horses into liking you. Sasha tried all other ways possible to make those horses like you but they all were only interested in kicking you. "Now, take an apple in your hand and give it to the horse. The worst that could happen is that you would get bitten." Sasha explained with a smile. That was the only horse that decided not to kick you the last day. Sasha thought that this horse wasn't hostile while you thought that the horse was having pity on you. You held your hand out to the horse with the apple and surprisingly, the horse ate the apple and not your hand. After feeding it a few more apples, the horse let you pat it's head. "See? She isn't too bad" Sasha told the horse while grooming it. You finally got a horse to like you. That seemed like a big progress given that you can't easily even get people to like you.

2 years later

It was the combat stimulated graduation test and you were to be graded on the results of this one. You were clearly the best among the team. You were quick to learn a lot of 3DMG tricks that many couldn't learn. Instructor Shadis was really proud of you and taught you as much as you could possibly know. During the training exercise, you easily flew through the woods and struck 6 out of the 10 titan dummies before anyone else. Two with the assistance of Mikasa, who was a good friend. Eren was good at flying but his cuts weren't deep enough. You were easily the first among all the cadets and Instructor Shadis compared you to Levi Ackerman who now is known as the strongest soldier of humanity. You haven't seen him for 8 years since he became a captain and moved inside Wall Rose. Then again, you never really talked to him so it didn't matter. Given that he did make quite a name for himself, you didn't mind getting compared to him.

The morning after the graduation ceremony was really awkward. After Eren's speech about saving humanity, most of the top 10 soldiers decided to join the Survey Corps. You had to admit, that guy has some really good potential in convincing people even if his own emotions always mess things up. Being emotional is what made them not get the first position. Anyway, you all were standing on the wall when everyone was talking about joining the Survey corps. Sasha even stole some meat for you all to share and then, suddenly the colossal titan appeared yet again. You didn't see it the first time but seeing it now made you genuinely terrified. Like the last time, it kicked a hole in the wall and you saw Eren charge at it, trying to fight it. You knew he couldn't because that thing was too big to fight. But ofcourse, Eren is an idiot. Surprisingly, it disappeared just before Eren got the finishing blow. Eren got back up on the wall, apologising for not being able to kill the colossal titan just as a garrison soldier ran towards you all. "What are you trainees doing? The strategy for dealing with a colossal titan appearance is already in motion! Report to your posts on the double! And if any of you made contact with it, make a report to HQ!" he commanded everyone as other garrison soldiers arrived. "Hai!" you all answered before flying towards the HQ.

You found Mikasa on the way after reporting to the captain of the Garrison as she was looking for Eren and Armin. The both of you searched for them and found Armin having a panic attack while Eren comforting him as they were filling gas tanks. You understood how Armin felt, you were scared too but this wasn't the time to let your fears get the best of you. You remained calm and quiet when you got assigned to the rear guard with the most Elite soldiers. Mikasa was also selected in the rear guard much to her dismay. She wanted to protect Eren but there wasn't much of an option here. You all got into position, watching the civilians being evacuated. The titans didn't reach this part of the town yet. After waiting for a while, you could see 7 titans, three 12 meter class, two 10 meter class, one 3 meter class and one 8 meter class, approaching. The middle guard wasn't doing a good job for sure. It seemed that two of those titans were abnormals that ran past us in sheer speed. "Hey you all! Get those abnormals! I'll take care of these" you shouted to your squad members. A man from Garrison shouted with hesitation, "You're just a cadet! You don't have the experience to take on 5 titans at once!". " I can! Don't waste time! Just go!" you shouted at them with authority in your voice. The look in your eyes told them that you were being serious and they went after the two abnormals. You took out your blades and gracefully flew up with my 3DMG, making perfect strokes on the nape of the titans.

You stood on a roof of a building, looking at the blood steaming up from your sleeves. This reminded you of familiar memory. The only thing different was that the blood didn't steam up back then. "Oi cadet (L/N)! The evacuation is complete! Get out of here!" our squad leader shouted at you. "I'm going to see how the middle guard is doing." Mikasa shouted at the leader as she zoomed past you. You decided to follow the leader's orders and get over the wall. You knew Eren's safety was important for Mikasa but you barely had any gas in your tank after taking down those titans and you assumed that you should make the rational decision and try to survive.

To be continued

[Author's note: I kinda wrote this fanfiction last year and that's when I actually first started writing which is why it may not be as good as the stuff I write now]

Taglist: @kingtamakimurder @realityisoftendisapointing

[xxisxxisxxis]

Gateway Drug | Part Sixty

Words: 4K

Warning(s): Explicit language, mentions of drug abuse, mentions of violence

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"...Viv?!" Nikki's voice echoes through the house and I continue turning over everything in our bedroom for the fourth time tonight.

"What, babe?!" I reply, glancing at the clock to see it's only 1:30am.

"Look who I found!" He calls back and I let out a sigh of frustration in myself for not being able to find it, and I stand from the floor and step into our living room. "Yeah?"

I stop in my tracks at the sight of crooked teeth grinning widely at me, overzealous clothing adorning one...

"Andy!" I pipe.

"Vivian!" He enthusiastically exclaims, his accent wrapping around every syllable of my name.

He's swallowing me in a tight hug, laughing, before pulling away to cup my face with his ring-heavy fingers.

"You look a little tired." He tells me.

I put my hands on his cheeks, holding his face like he is mine, not skipping a beat as I say:

"You look a little sober."

His teeth show with his genuine grin and he chuckles.

"Because I am." He confirms my suspicion and happiness floods me.

"That's great, Andy, oh, God, that's great." I smile, the two of us breaking away from each other as Nikki clears his throat.

"What're you doing in L.A.?" I ask, ignoring Nikki scowling at the two of us.

"I'm thinking about moving here--thinking." He emphasizes on "thinking."

"Why just 'thinking'?" I ask, crossing my arms.

"It's so fuckin' loud, Vivian, it's so loud." He groans a little, rubbing his forehead. "I only like my music loud."

"Well, ye--"

"--Andy, c'mere." Nikki cuts in from our bedroom.

I hadn't even noticed he went in there.

"Coming." He says to him, the two of us heading to Nikki.

Once we step foot into the bedroom, my heart tightens in my chest as Nikki's standing at the closet door with it wide open, smirking.

"I wanna show you something." He tells him, motioning into the closet, that's completely pitched dark, looking like a sadistic carnie inviting a freshly sober Andy into his heroin hell.

"Nikki." I warn, glaring at him.

"Fuck off, Viv." Nikki states as Andy walks to him, curiously.

"Nikki--"

"He's a big boy, Vivian." Nikki cuts me short.

Ah, yes. Another thing Nikki took up as a form of entertaining himself: trying to get people to shoot up with him.

Didn't matter if they'd never done it before, had been sober for a couple months, or a couple years...it was a challenge in his eyes and he enjoyed it.

I rub my lips together nervously as Nikki waves me off and I let out a sigh, going to the kitchen.

It doesn't take long at all before Andy's walking into the kitchen, his brows furrowed and his eyes wild with confusion.

"Psst, V!" He whisper yells as I open my Pepsi and I look at him.

He gets closer to me.

"He's got a habit." He tells me, referring to Nikki.

I want to burst out into laughter.

A habit? No shit, Sherlock.

Which I can't blame, Andy. He has no idea the utter hell Nikki has been in and projected onto everyone else the past year.

But taking one look at Nikki's disgusting, strung out, hellacious closet-- filled with used needles, plastic lemons, cotton, pipes, burnt carpet, spoons, empty bottles and bodily fluid stains--is what made this man realize he's got a "habit"? Ray fucking Charles can see that Nikki's got a habit.

All anybody has to do is take one look at him at the end of the night...or just smell him.

Apparently I'm smiling because Andy's scolding me.

"That's not fucking funny, Vivian, what the hell are you laughing about?" He questions me.

"Me, and everybody else around him, is aware he's got a problem, Andy. Trust me." I assure him and he rolls his jaw.

"Then why aren't you doing a thing about it?"

"You know it doesn't work like that." I tell him, shaking my head.

"I wish it did." He admits, looking back at the kitchen door to make sure Nikki isn't there. "Look, I told him he has an issue and needs help, but I know the bastard won't listen. So I'm telling you." He points at me. "He's this close," he holds his thumb and pointer finger apart by barely the width of a single hair, "to being out."

"I know. Okay? I know. But I can't do anything. He won't listen, he won't listen to me, or Doc, or Bob Timmons, or his friends or--"

"--Why would he listen to his friends telling him to get help when they're all on the same bloody thing?" He asks me.

I raise a brow, realizing he's got a point. "Childhood, and friends, influence who we are." He states wisely. "I won't be back around here until he's laid his mess to rest." He adds.

"I understand." I assure him, the gears in my mind starting to turn as he heads to our front door and I follow him.

He turns to face me, kissing my cheek.

"Keep your head clear." He orders me, once again.

Oh, I was.

A week later, I'm still trying to figure out a way to talk to Nikki about sobering up before the tour, but I know he's one step ahead of me.

Dealers have been coming to the house less and less.

I grab my overnight bag from the passenger seat after coming back from staying the night with Sharise and Skylar, before stepping to the front door.

I turn my key in the lock and open it, immediately hit with the smell of a shitshow.

People are passed out from the foyer to the living room, spreading into the kitchen and more than likely the hallways.

Empty cups, glasses, bottles, syringes, bindles, baggies, cigarette packages, abandoned condom wrappers and full condoms, all litter my fucking house.

Broken dishes, stains on the carpet, cigarette burns on our furniture, broken picture frames that were accidentally knocked off the walls, and inevitably more damage to be determined, all greet me as I make my way through the house, trying to keep from panicking as vomit and exposed genitalia is nearly everywhere I step.

I open our bedroom to see naked strangers in our bed, and I step to the closet to see Nikki, passed out, a nearly naked Tansy beside him.

There weren't many times where Tansy wasn't nearly naked at that point.

I let out a breath, realizing I've spoken too soon on the state of Nikki's attempt to get off drugs.

I cross my arms and kick at Nikki's side with my boot until he's groaning awake.

"Is there any chance you found my ring last night?" I ask him, furrowing my brows, because his exact words before I left were "I'll look for your ring tonight, baby."

He let's out another incoherent grumble before his eyes are closing slowly.

"Okay." I reach my hand past him and grab his shotgun, making sure it's loaded as I go to the back door, opening it, standing out from under the shade area by the door, before firing into the air.

The racket tears through the house, startling people awake as I fire off three shots, and I come back into the house to see wide eyes and confused expressions.

"Get out!" I pipe, clapping my hands together repeatedly, kicking gently at people to herd them up and get them to the door.

Within fifteen minutes they're all scattered on the curb of the street outside our gate, and I'm locking my house and getting a good look at the hellhole.

Slash's girlfriend is stumbling out of our guest bedroom before rubbing her sleepy face and looking at me.

"He's messed the bed." She tells me, sleepy frustration in her voice.

"What?"

"Slash, he's messed the bed."

I don't know what she means by that, but when I walk in and see the puddle underneath him, I groan.

He wet the bed.

"I'll scrub the mattress, I promise." She assures me and I shake my head.

"I'm scrubbing it and mine, anyway, so don't worry about it." I tell her. "You do need to wake him up, though, alright? He's got rehearsal in a couple hours."

"Yeah, I'm already on it." She assures me. "Right after I puke my guts out." Her face pales and I scramble to grab a boot off the floor at our feet and she throws up into it as I hold her hair back.

"Viv?" Stevie asks tiredly from the couch, a naked girl passed out on top of him and I run a hand through my hair.

"Okay, how many of you are here?" I ask him.

"Him, Slash, and Duff." Slash's girlfriend replies after dry heaving some more.

"Duff?" I think I mishear her.

"Yeah?" His tired, hungover voice is asking me and I take a few steps into the living room seeing him shirtless, covered in lipstick marks, by the fireplace, passed out, two completely naked girls on either side of him.

When I'm standing over him, his eyes are slowly blinking open before closing again.

"Hey, Viv." He mumbles.

His bloodshot eyes are soon bugging open and he's sitting up so fast, he has to vomit, and he's accidentally spewing it all over girl number 1's torso, causing her to squeal out in disgust.

"I am so sorry, holy shit." Duff apologizes to her as I rush to grab some paper towels to help her clean herself up.

When I get back, he's helping her wipe off with his discarded t-shirt.

"You can use our shower." I tell her, helping her up, and she covers her exposed body the best she can as I lead her to mine and Nikki's bathroom.

When I get back in the living room, Steven's pulling his clothes on, and Duff's standing up, and they both have something in common.

"With all due respect, please put your bushes away." I say in reference to their pubes hanging out of their unzipped pants.

"Oh, sorry." Duff says, zipping his pants up.

"Gimme a second, Viv, alright, it's a process." Steven tells me. "If they get caught in my zipper--"

"--Got it, Stevie." I squeeze my eyes shut as I tell him.

"I'm gonna go get Nikki up an--"

"--Hey, I'm sorry about your mattress but, I didn't mean to." Slash slurs, his pants nowhere to be found and I keep my eyes closed the second I get an eyeful of everything down south.

I have seen too many penises in the past twenty minutes I am...I am..." I try to speak. "...I am...I am going to church. That's what I'm gonna do. And when I get back, I want the girls gone, I want Nikki and Tansy up, I want my guest bed mattress cleaned up, and I want the penises put away." I sigh out, going to my bedroom to get dressed. "Also, if any of you happen to find my wedding ring, I would appreciate it."

Duff ended up meeting me after church to apologize, which he really didn't have to.

There's a lot of stuff he's apologized for that he really didn't have to.

He just likes to keep peace and make sure there's no ill feelings left undisclosed.

He's always been that way.

"Duff, don't worry about it, alright?" I ask, stepping to my car.

"No, seriously, Viv, we helped trash your house and I'm sorry."

"Duff--"

"--And I-I know Nikki's got his shit he's struggling with and last night none of us tried to keep him out of trouble and it was just really shitty." He goes on.

"Duff, it's okay. I'm not mad." I tell him, honestly.

"Really?"

"Yes, now get to rehearsal before Axl shits a brick."

"I just came from rehearsal. He didn't show." He shrugs.

"He didn't what?" This catches my attention. "That's like the fifth time this single month."

"Well, it's just how he is. If everything isn't perfect, he just stays to himself until it is in his mind." He explains.

"But that's useless because everything gets to him."

"...Yeah, but, I mean, we're all use to it by now so it's really nothing. He does take it seriously, he really does. He just handles things the way he handles them is all."

"He just handles things the way he handles them" is something I'd hear repeatedly in the years to follow from everyone around Axl as he became more and more difficult.

He didn't make rehearsal? "That's just him."

He didn't make a show? "He's just going through some stuff."

He indirectly started a riot that hurt and killed fans? "He's trying, he really is."

The issue: all the "yes" men he had surrounding him that refused to argue or speak up against him.

And all the guys would just keep their mouths shut to avoid pulling the pin on the angry-Axl bomb.

I had to have an eye on me at all times when I was around him because I reached a point I'd just start fights with him--especially after Steven was kicked out--anytime he did something assholish, because Axl always went big or went home no matter what he did, and they'd sometimes get physical.

But unlike Nikki or Vince or Robbin or anyone else I'd hit over the years, Axl would hit back, and hit back hard.

We'd be as bad as drunk frat boys with everybody and anybody trying to get and keep us separated while Monroe would be in the next room oblivious that his mom and God-Father were going at it like a dog fight.

I found out later that, that big party was a "goodbye" to Nikki's smack addiction because he actually managed to get it together somewhat in the months to follow.

Nikki's gaining a tighter grip on my hand as Doc and Rich Fischer, the bands tour manager, go over the schedule for the tour with us.

"We will staying in the same location for about a week, and just traveling to the surrounding locations for the actual shows an--"

"--Woah, woah, woah," Tommy starts, "why?"

"You guys will have a jet so it'll just be easier that way instead of having to try to fly to a city that's just an hour away if we drive." Rich cuts in to explain.

Translation: if we travel city to city, you have a higher chance to get into trouble, whereas if we stay in the same city for several days at a time, you'll get bored with it quicker.

What actually happened: staying in the same location for so long just gave them more time to rack up dealers and figure out what places they shouldn't have gone, but went anyway and still get into plenty of trouble without Doc's knowledge.

"Now, we sent in the request to have your jet spray painted black with the naked chick on the side, but the best they could do was a half naked girl riding the bomb." Doc states next and Nikki groans like a child, rolling his eyes behind his sunglasses.

"Tansy, you and Sparkie are gonna be tagging along, so we've already booked rooms for you guys, as well." Doc assures her and she nods.

"Thanks, Doc."

"And guys, since the past tours have been a little hectic because kids will come into the hotel or be at the shows and pick up on what you're up to or where you're at because they'll hear us say your names and they'll start tuning in, we've given everybody a number for security purposes." Fred adds, pulling a piece of paper out of his shirt pocket. "1: Doc, 2: Me, 3: Rich, 4: Tansy, 5: Vince, 6: Nikki, 6½: Vivian, 7: Mick, and 00: Tommy. And Tommy, Vince, when Sharise or Heather is along with us we'll have Sharise set as 5½, and 00½, alright?"

"Sounds good." Vince nods.

"Dude, '00'." Tommy grins, happy with his code number before he turns to Mick. "We're 007, man." He nudges Mick in the arm. "Except instead of killing bad guys, we're killing pussy."

"Yes, because that's exactly what I'm known for." Mick replies sarcastically.

"I think it's cool." Tommy states.

"And that's all that matters, drummer." Mick assures him, his hint of a smile tugging at his lips.

"Does Sparkie get a number?" Tansy asks next.

"If he gets sought out and mauled, he gets sought out and mauled. There's nothing we can do." Nikki bluntly replies to her and everybody attempts not to chuckle.

"4½, Tans." Fred forces his laughter back to keep from hurting her feelings.

"Be nice." I say quietly to Nikki and he smirks.

"I am." He argues lightly.

"North America through November, then Japan until the end of December, then Europe at the start of '88, and back to North America in the Spring." Rich tells us. "Of course you'll have breaks in between, but that's that for the most part. We'll be on the road for almost a year. Any questions?"

They all stay quiet and he nods.

"Alright, I'll see you guys in a couple weeks and we'll head to Tucson." He assures us.

"Woo!" Tommy gives a couple of claps, a happy smile on his face as we all stand up to leave our meeting.

Once we get out in the parking lot of the office, he's nudging at my shoulder.

"Where we goin', Viv?" He asks me and I raise my brows.

"What do you mean, Tommy?"

"Tonight, remember? We've got a date." He adds. 

"We do?"

"Yeah, I told you last week I wanted to hangout and you said tonight would be fine." He explains.

"Oh, yeah." I nod, glancing at Nikki. "Are you--"

"I'm meeting up with Steven anyway, babe, you go." He rubs his jaw and I look at Tommy.

"So, what do you wanna do?" He asks next and I raise my brows.

"Umm..."

Within a few minutes we're sitting in my car, listening to "Space Truckin'" by Deep purple, eating icecream while he rambles on about his love life.

"And I love her, Viv, I really do, ya know? But she doesn't take in to consideration my feelings and how I feel about stuff. It's bullshit."

I gasp dramatically, sarcastically.

"You mean, Heatherland isn't as fun as advertised? Oh, no. How terrible."

"Ha ha, Viv, funny, but I'm being serious." He states. "Like, right now. We're in a rut."

"What kind of rut?"

"Like...okay, we love each other. I know we do. But I don't feel like I'm in love with her anymore."

"Tommy that's normal." I tell him. "If you're with the same person, you're gonna eventually feel like that. It doesn't mean you aren't in love with her, it just means you're out of the honeymoon phase." I shrug. "Do you still like her?"

"Of course." He tells me.

"Then you're fine. When you stop liking her, is when you may need to talk about some stuff. Also," I take another bite of icecream, "sleeping with other women probably isn't helping anything so I'd stop that, too, if I were you."

He doesn't say anything before letting out a breath.

"I know I shouldn't do it, but, Viv, it's not like it really means anything, really. It's just a pastime, ya know?"

"Tommy, Chess is a pastime. Girls aren't, when you're married." I explain.

"Well, you don't really get it, Viv." He shrugs.

"Agree to disagree." I mumble, taking another bite of dessert.

A long moment of quiet passes before he chuckles a little to himself.

"What?" I ask him and he shakes his head a little.

"Just remembering the look of horror on your mom's face when she came and found us after she found out I was in Mötley Crüe." He explains and I also remember how terrified she was, and start laughing.

"We had to hid Nikki under the table at the Rainbow when we saw her car pull up." I recall.

"She was so freaked out, dude. I thought her mouth was gonna start foaming."

"Then you freaked out when she started speaking in tongues."

"Oh, she was? I just thought she was so pissed she forgot how to talk."

We're both almost wheezing at this point.

"Viv?" He says when he calms down and I raise my brows and look at him.

"Yeah?"

"I miss being close like we use to be." He admits. "And I know we stopped hanging out for a while after I got married but that's partly my fault, too."

"It's mine, too, Tommy." I assure him. "And I'm sorry I haven't really tried to spend time with you one-on-one after Nikki and I got married."

"I was upset at first, but now that Heather and me are married, I get that sometimes you gotta prioritize."

"Yeah, you do." I finish my icecream.

"Especially when you start having kids." He adds and I try to play off the spiking of my nerves.

"You guys want kids, right? I mean, you were both pretty ready for it when you thought you were pregnant that one time right after you got married."

"I'm waiting for Nikki to get it together before we try for any." I say.

"He told me he's gotten off Methadone and he's holding up pretty good."

"He is." I confirm. "He's doing good."

It wasn't a lie. Nikki had finally given up on trying to fix his problem himself and asked Bob for help.

He got in on a Methadone program and got off of it as soon as he could to avoid getting hooked on it, too. He still drank and snorted a little coke, but he went weeks without touching junk or smoking crack.

I really should have told him more than I did, how proud I was of him.

I also should have told him I experienced disappearing twin syndrome before miscarrying altogether, and every single one before that, but it would have knocked him off his sobriety in a heartbeat.

I planned on telling him, I just didn't know when or how, but I knew I wanted to wait until he was at least a year sober.

It obviously didn't turn out like that.

I drop Tommy off back at the office to grab his bike before I head home to see Vanity sitting on the front steps by the door.

"Is Nikki not with you?" She asks me.

"Um, no, I think he went to meet Steven." I explain to her.

"Oh...well, do you know where they may be?"

I open the door and sigh out, turning to face her.

"Vanity, Nikki's doing well. He's got his shit together for the most part and I don't think it would be a good idea to be around him if you're just going to bring him back down to where he use to be." I tell her.

Her soft smile falls.

"I'm really not trying to offend you. You're my friend and I love you but that stuff isn't good for you and maybe you should follow Nikki's example. I mean, if he can do it, almost anybody can."

"You don't get it, do you?" She asks me and I furrow my brows. "I'm not the one causing him to do any of it, Viv. You are."

"What?" I furrow my brows.

"You have a tumultuous relationship and it makes him want to escape." She explains.

"Vanity, you don't know a thing about our relationship so don't go there."

"I know what he tells me."

"What Nikki tells you, or what who he is when he's stoned, tells you? Because Nikki takes responsibility for his shit. Who he is when he's strung out, avoids it at all cost and just points his finger at everybody else." I state.

"I know all I need to know simply based off how he acts when you aren't around." She insists.

"And how exactly does he act, Vanity?" I start to lose my patience, taking a step toward her.

"Like. Himself." She says through a clenched jaw.

"You don't know him like you think you do." I tell her, shaking my head.

"And neither do you." She guarantees.

[mochikeiji]

Since We Were Seven

↠ Pairing: Bokuto Koutarou x Akaashi Keiji

↠ Warning: small mention of death, small angst but fluffy ending

↬ Word Count: 3,040

↣ a/n: hi!! this is a really late entry for the BokuAka week! This was suppose to be in Day 1 but I saw the content late :(( I hope you all enjoy!! Happy @bokuakaweek2020!!

Summary: Keiji has always been fond with light novels as a child (influenced by his lovely mother) often you would see him during his free time drowning in an ocean of black ink in a paper boat in any local library and bookstore. Then there's his childhood friend, Bokuto Koutarou, having to just stare at the coffee in his hand in wonder of an idea that will surely change everything they've had.

⇢ Day 1: Confession/Childhood, Coffe Shop AU

✎﹏

Nothing says warm summer breeze than kids running around the park getting down and dirty without a care of the world. Some were seen to be catching bugs that surely made some cringe in disgust, some were seen repeatedly sliding down despite the hot surface their bottoms were receiving, and some just getting chased in a lovely game of tag. That is, until someone gets tripped over.

For a certain owl haired child that stood out of the crowd, all he could do was repeatedly receive a volleyball— in a sloppy way, but in his own world laughs at his mistakes and carries on with his little hobby.

"Akaashi! Look, look! I made this cool move, watch." with excitement rising from his, the boy, Keiji, he had called couldn't help but give him all of his attention as young Bokuto tosses the ball in the air with his small hands. Backing up a little in a receiving stance, eyes determined to catch it, only to have the ball land on his head with a loud thump, causing Bokuto to whine at the slight sting and hold his head on the grassy ground.

"Are you okay, Bokuto?" Akaashi blinked, almost unamused at his best friends mistake. This wasn't an old sight to him.

"You could've atleast be a bit more worried to me." Bokuto pouts, finally sitting up with his hands in between his legs as his hair somehow deflated within his mood.

And yet young Akaashi Keiji found that oddly an adorable perk of Bokuto.

"I'm sorry, Bokuto," he offers a small smile as a pause, "It's just that I knew you'd make a mistake, I was just waiting for you to call me if you needed assistance."

The golden eyed child didn't seem impressed with his reasons, pouting even more with the spikes of his hair almost wilting on his head.

"I knew you would get up on your own anyways. I didn't want to underestimate you."

His ears twitched and perks up. Finally out of his own dejected mode, he sprungs up with sparkling eyes, "Akaashi, that's so sweet of you!" laughing loud with his head thrown back without a care of the world staring at him like a mad child. His laughter soon dies down as he stares deeply into gun metal like eyes.

Akaashi swore he stopped breathing at that time of tension.

"But seriously though, I don't mind if its you who runs to help me up! I know you won't be mean to me like other kids," he then glances at the thick white book on the smaller males hands, "I'm just confused why you seem more excited on that book you always read."

Akaashi's mouth opens a bit, unnoticed by the boy infront of him standing out in the light of the sun as he was seated by the shade of the biggest tree in the park. Trying to utter out the words he wished to say, he prevents himself from going any further and just smiles,

"It's a very knowledgeable book I might need, Bokuto."

And that is was when they were seven years old.

Ever since Bokuto was always on his own due to his parents working overseas, Mrs. Akaashi, being a dotting person as Keiji is always took care of him as a child. She thought it would be nice for her son to grow up with someone as a brotherly figure in his life considering it was always just the two of them.

Without hesitation, Bokuto happily allows himself to be raised by the Akaashi family until he was in highschool, already used to living on his own and doing stuff as a proper adult. Even Keiji was surprised to see that he could handle himself so well than he did. Keiji doesn't even know how to cook for both of them.

Finally at his third and final year, Bokuto stared at the other side of the court, almost in hunger— a predator, twirling the ball in his hands expertly. Unlike before when he was a big squishy child. On the sidelines, Akaashi sat on the floor, still intrigued with the book he hasn't yet finished even for years.

The loud swoosh of the ball being tossed up in the air caught his attention away from his book, only to be greeted by a sight he would describe as, "satisfying."

In almost a perfect spiking stance in his eyes, he watches the captains hands fit his entire palm on the balls leather skin. Pupils dilating a bit at the sight of his forearm flexing in instinct, and giving the ball a rough hit that made it smash on the glossy like surfaced floor, almost looking squished by the impact of that and Bokuto's monstrous strength.

Despite having to see him in this state in both practice and matches, Bokuto never once fails to make the black haired male stare in awe at him from a distance unknown to him, but obvious by others.

Exhaling deeply, the captain hooted loudly into the gym air, "HEY, HEY, HEY!" echoing through the males ears, but he smiles and cherishes the sounds and the phrase he has always heard whenever Bokuto was enthusiastic.

"Akaashi! Did you see that? That was a perfect one, ain't it?!" his eyes sparkling like a child during Christmas. One of the lists Akaashi has about Bokuto was a list of, "What Bokuto Does When He's Very Happy" and number three haopens to be, "He will ask for praise."

"I did. It was amazing." even with a poker face, Bokuto has gotten used to Akaashi expressing his emotions with that facial expression. He knows deep inside how genuine the boy is when it comes to words.

And that's what he always loved about him, yet the world prevents him to do so in fear of not being thrown by society, but to be thrown away by the only person who has stuck with my throughout his life when everyone he loved left.

"Hm? You're still reading that book?" his face going from a happy child to a curious one as his eyes focused once more on the book in his hands. It became a habit of his to always notice something in between the males hands. Because of that, he can already describe Akaashi's hands being bigger than his, but softer by the looks of his.

How he longed to hold them.

Not noticing the way Akaashi flinched at the topic, he hides the lower part of his face with the book. To Bokuto, it seemed he was just resuming to the page he marked before talking to him, but to Akaashi, he was hiding his quivering lips and his lightly pink dusted cheeks.

"I haven't finished it, and it's getting to the good part so.." he trails behind, though his tone stayed the same monotone yet honey smooth like sound.

"Alright, alright. I won't mess with ya. But hey, maybe after you read about it, you could tell me what's it all about."

Raising a brow at the captain, "But aren't you fond of books, Bokuto?" he asks, knowing his bestfriend, the captain of the volleyball team is a known enemy to studying. More so, books.

"Yeah, but this book always has your attention since we were kids. It's only natural I listen to my best buddies interest like he does for me!"

Inside Bokuto's mind, he wanted to speak out the words that were punching their way out of his mouth, "I wanted to know how that book made you smile so fondly a lot."

Akaashi on the other hand was touched at his words. But the only thing that rang in his ear like an annoying buzz was the fact that he was labelled, "Best Bud."

But who was he to feel that way?

"I promise, I'll tell you once I finish, Bokuto."

That promise, Akaashi hoped, Bokuto would forget. Because if he still kept asking about it, he knows it'll risk the only thing that made him happy.

Him

A year passed, Akaashi was left alone during his third year. To say it wasn't pleasant was an under statement. He can no longer hear the loud, echoing greets of his best friend in the hallway, he sits alone on the way home in the train when he used to always go with the entire third year batch. Most of all, he was getting lonely during practices. No one was asking him for a toss due to his intimidating presence.

He recalls the time Bokuto was in full uniform infront of his house as usual. Since they walk to school together, Akaashi wanted him to. But he had to point out that he has already graduated.

Being embarrassed, Bokuto dismissed that and offers to walk him to school. He asked why, and his reason just made his day a bit more brighter,

"I didn't want you to be alone."

Now in the present, finally getting a day off from his hectic work schedule. Akaashi finds himself fully relaxed at a cafe, still reading the thick book that was taken with outmost of care during his childhood days.

This time, he was nearing at the end.

"Here's your order, sir! Two cups of coffee with waffles." the lady in the counter chirps in delight at Bokuto. It wasn't everyday you see Black Jackals famous ace order in a small coffee shop away from prying eyes.

"Thank you! This looks wonderful!" he gives a small review with a charming smile that made the lady squeal silently.

After his game against the Alders, he agreed on eating out with Akaashi on his free days since it had been long since the two had hung out after entering the world of growing up.

Akaashi was internally screaming when Bokuto had invited him out. Growing up, Akaashi developed being more expressive. He could be seen to be smiling a lot more than he was as a teenager.

And Bokuto had never cried tears of joy and thanked the heavens for letting an angel down in his life.

But now the ace had never felt more nervous after their first encounter again as grown ups. He couldn't believe Akaashi would be even more prettier than he was before. Meanwhile Akaashi had to hold his breath upon being in Bokuto presence. He was much more broader, taller than he was. And all Akaashi wantes was to hug him tight infront of so much people that day.

Bokuto stood by the side, his mind debating about something as he stares at the two steaming hot beverages and teasingly sweet smelling desserts then back at Akaashi's figure. Even though he had his back turned from Bokuto, he couldn't help but silently gush on how adorable he looks in sweaters.

Suddenly an idea came to his head.

It was now or never.

"Um miss?" he goes back at the kind lady, who was responsive to his call, "Do you mind..Adding something on the waffle? Maybe even the coffee too??"

Akaashi's nose crinckled a bit as the sweet, satisfying and calming aroma hits his nostrils. Not bothering to take his eyes off the book he was about to finish, Bokuto took a seat infront of him with a nervous smile.

"Still not finished with that book are you, Kaashi?" lightly chuckling when Akaashi fumbles as his glasses lightly messes up on his face.

"I-I am now, Bokuto." pushing the bridge of his glasses up, "So far, it was more than knowledgeable than I thought. Mother was right about being inlove with this book." giving himself a tiny smile at the thought of spending the day with his bestfriend, he didn't expect the topic coming from his best friend's mouth almost make him fall back from his chair.

"Speaking of, being inlove, have you met someone these days?" leaning on his hand for support, Bokuto keeps a close eye on the other males expression. Almost wincing when he saw a small blush on his cheeks. The thought of falling inlove with someone hurts him.

"W-well, I haven't been going out a lot due to my papers from work." fiddling at the hem of his sweater, his eyes taking a quick glance at the book that was on its last page with the text formed in bold and slightly bigger, "But I have been inlove with the same person before." whispering under his breath, his hair falling lightly on his forehead for being too long.

To Bokuto, he was losing hope, but growing up with the habit of not being afraid of trying, he still went for his plan. Even though not knowing he might be hurt in the worse case possible.

"I see..Must be a lucky person to catch your attention huh?" After Atsumu told Bokuto he wasn't allowed to be as dejected as he was before, he had mastered the arts of hiding his own sadness behind his eyes as he looks at the swirling cup of coffee.

"I love them. A lot, but.." the pause made Bokuto look up to him in a more focused and serious matter, "I don't think that person will love me." smiling sadly at the book under his gaze, Akaashi could still feel the erratic beating of his heart slowly hurting inside.

"How could nobody love you? You're like an awesome person to be loved!" the ace exclaimed rather loudly, earning a few eyes from the costumers— who luckily doesn't know him to avoid being crowded, and the lady behind the counter who seemed to be watching things unfold between them in anticipation.

Akaashi doesn't fight the blush on his cheeks as he bites the inside of it, he really wishes he could've had more courage into this if it wasn't for his constant over thinking about the outcomes of an unknown future.

"But if that person doesn't love you, Kaashi.." the sound of the cup of coffee sliding on the wooden table across him slowly to avoid spillage, his eyes widened at the creams design.

"I'd still love you."

It was a heart.

Not believing his eyes, he rubs it with the back of his hand, his mouth now opened a little in shock as Bokuto chuckles away the nervousness in his body.

"You're kidding."

"Why would I joke about saying I love you? That's cruel, Kaashi." Bokuto pouts, but for a short moment and offers him a genuine smile, "Would you dare to believe in me, Akaashi Keiji?" he says, in a lowkey flirty way.

The black haired male gulps, his heart unable to rest, but his mind was somehow at ease at that moment, closing his eyes and letting out a sigh, making the male in front of him worry, Akaashi returns the line,

"Would you dare to believe that I too, was inlove with you since we were 7, Bokuto Koutarou?"

Like a volcano, Bokuto's face erupts in different shades of red, his ears lightly steaming from being too flustered. Gaining his composure, he coughes into his fist, carefully grabbing the plate of waffle that was for him, "You tell me."

And next he slides in the waffle to Akaashi, the chocolate syrup drizzled on the plate with the waffle away from it that read,

"I love you since we were 7."

Now it was Akaashi's turn to blush madly at the confession. He could only raise both palms into his face and buries himself into them.

Was he dreaming or was he really living?

To Bokuto, his world finally was at ease knowing he was loved by the person he has been eyeing since he was a child. He was somehow whining at the back of his head how he didn't get to date Akaashi back in highschool so they'd be those couple goals before and what it would've been if he and Akaashi were to lvie together in his lonely house.

Then again, seeing this moment now was like entering the biggest and most awaited match in his life.

"There's no way I can eat or drink this, Bokuto."

"What? Why not!?"

"This is too adorable and heartfelt."

They both share a laugh with eachother. Occasionally bickerking why Akaashi hasn't touched his food, they both carried on a normal conversation despite having each other confess out of the blue. Both were glad that things were still the same, as if they grew up not only as siblings or as friends, but as if they memorized each others lives.

"Hey, now that you've finished your book. Didn't you promise you'd tell me all about it?" he watches as Akaashi finally took a sip of the heart coffee.

Gulping harshly in embarrassment, he taps his closed book nervously, "Why though?" wanting to change the topic, thinking what he might say may be too cheesy for Bokuto's liking.

"Well you always have your attention on the book. I also wanna know how my lover smiles so much about it."

How could you casually say that? He thinks as his face lightly becomes red at the label he was called, "Lover."

With that ringing in his ears for a good hour, he opens the book to the last page, where the bold and sightly big text was written,

"This book was about two lovers who had different worlds, but they grew up together without telling each other how they felt and eventually drifted apart and forgotten each other." he explains to him with a smile, fingers running on the text of his book.

"So why was Mom and you so inlove with that book?" Bokuto grew up calling Keiji's mother his own mom. It wasn't as weird as it sounds, it was warming for Keiji since it felt like they were a family.

"Because in the end, they have gotten together in one place, and said—" Akaashi's smile becomes a loving grin as he shows Bokuto his favorite line in the entire book.

The same line that made his mother and father fall in an endless love even after his death, it was still the most loving line both Mother and Son could hear from their destined lover.

"I've loved you since we were 7."

[punkscowardschampions]

Fearghal & Tess & Katya

Fearghal: [Notes in detention, let's say he's there today 'cos some teacher was a patronizing dickhead and he told 'em to do one and then did himself] Tess: [we all know she was brawling but let's assume something/someone stopped her at the start of it cos she has no chill rn and they'd be dead] Fearghal: Hey up Tess: g'wed Fearghal: what you in for Tess: [draws a spoon because that means to make a mistake in scouse but with a hand gripping the handle because 'gripped' is caught] Fearghal: [draws an eye on the spoon] Tess: [when you're amused af but you can't show it because such is life so you just draw a big ? like what do you want] Fearghal: you not in year 11? Tess: [cross out the 1 and write a 0] Fearghal: [draws a smiley in the 0 so it looks like an E and does his own question mark] Tess: [writes however much that'd cost back then because idk] Fearghal: sound Fearghal: what's your name then Tess: [draws a _ like fill in anything you like] not gonna fuck you whatever you call me Fearghal: [does a lol and gets told to shut up] Fearghal: alright, blondie it is Tess: [makes a 😒 face at him] bleach ain't only a pure boss bevvy Fearghal: [huge grins back like] Fearghal: so you're smart and all Tess: [🖕 because does she care if the teacher sees not really but 😏 because try and keep some customers babe] Tess: can count the spends you owe if you're deciding you'll leg it Fearghal: [does 'dagger through my heart' act] Fearghal: not do that, you know where I live, babe Tess: if you wanna call it living, irish Fearghal: Living it up in Heswall are ya? I'll pop in for tea when I'm in the area meself Tess: you a scuffer with a baby face? [draws a baby policeman with an irish flag] Fearghal: get fucked am I Fearghal: new one, give you credit there Tess: ask a lotta geg questions, new lad, bit rem if you ain't earning from it Fearghal: Shit, don't tell Donovan he's right Fearghal: really can't read Tess: [is again so amused on the low but] do less drugs Tess: learn more scouse Fearghal: must be your main gig Fearghal: teach me then, blondie Tess: your gary orders are properly keeping my leccy on, yeah [draws a 💡 with a smiley face] Fearghal: better teacher than this lot but that ain't saying fuck all but I reckon I'd learn a thing or two if you were up there instead Fearghal: [throws paperball at board for emphasis and then has to go put it in the bin like 😏] Tess: whatever your meff mates in year 11 have said, they didn't learn or catch nothing off me Fearghal: [when he's back in his seat] Fearghal: I ain't got any blondie, you're alright Tess: [draws him a medal] made up for yous Fearghal: [makes it have a sad face] shouldn't be Tess: [crosses it out like I take it back then] Fearghal: [draws a heart] Tess: [rips up that page deliberately slowly like fuck you] Tess: giz us the £ and garry can show his face Fearghal: [laughs again like sh you have such a loud laugh but not bothered and neither is this teacher lowkey so] Fearghal: at the end, not necking it now, babe Tess: [draws a broken heart with garry written in it] Tess: call me babe again and you ain't getting it Fearghal: [crosses it out] Tess: not as rem as your face would have you look Fearghal: s'okay, I know I'm cute, blondie Tess: stop listening to your ma, irish, she's feeding you lies with the scran Fearghal: don't think it's in her vocabulary or recipe book Fearghal: [crosses out garry and writes his own name] Tess: how am I meant to say that? barely read it Fearghal: want me to teach you Fearghal: gave me the scouse 101 for free Tess: point you in the direction of a girl that'll work on, is right Fearghal: you're a pal Tess: friendly neighbourhood dealer Fearghal: [draws a really crap spiderman] Tess: gonna tat that on me, full credit to yous Fearghal: it is my look too so tah for that Tess: [looks at him like she genuinely hasn't noticed cos lowkey never looks at people if she can help it] Fearghal: [lifts his sleeves where necessary like hiya] Tess: [🙄 but she hasn't looked away so] Fearghal: and that's just the safe for school ones, jailbait Tess: [puts her hand up and is like sir this boy is flirting with me cos she knows he won't actually do anything but she's like um shut up fearghal] Fearghal: [always loling] Tess: try downers Fearghal: what would the chef recommend Tess: I'm not a walking menu Tess: how full's your wallet? Fearghal: not that full Fearghal: but my gaff is shit enough to make me [sad face] Tess: [draws a him with that sad face at a lemonade stand because lemonade is slang for shit drugs I don't think it's scouse but I'm still doing it] Fearghal: [draws a stickman teacher pissing in his cup] Tess: [😏 before she can help it, let's hope her hair is covering her face enough] Fearghal: [draws a landline phone] 123 what's the time and how long we got left Tess: [draws a clock with the time on as it is now and another one with the time they are allowed to leave as if she's challenging him to be able to tell time lol] Fearghal: not flirting with you or nothing but you got the glasses and pencil skirt or have I gotta fork out for them too Tess: [crosses them both out cos she doesn't have either of course and underlines the fork out bit like unlucky] Fearghal: tell all me mates your well expensive, fairplay Tess: tell 'em I ain't for sale and you won't get wrecked Fearghal: sure, lemme hit 'em with my next note Fearghal: [throws it at an empty desk like sup lads] Tess: [draws some ghost 90s fuckboys because amused again] Fearghal: [gives 'em stereotypical scouse names like idk, all of the beatles etc] Fearghal: bessie mates, right Tess: stay close to george, the rest are cunts Fearghal: looking out for me so you can do me in yourself Tess: need you to keep the wolves from my door, irish Tess: dead hero's no use Fearghal: so tell me Fearghal: which one am I, spidey Tess: [shrugs but we all know she's a massive nerd] Fearghal: take superman then Fearghal: 'least draw me the S and I'll see if I've got room on me chest Tess: [draws it at him in the air like] Fearghal: [catches it and thumps on his chest like sorted] Tess: [🙄] Fearghal: [draws a crossed-eyed face with glasses and the teacher bun] Tess: [puts a knife in her hand cos very subtle warning there] Fearghal: [draws target on his back] Tess: [😏] Fearghal: what parties are you hitting tonight Tess: every one Fearghal: busy [🐝] Tess: patronising [drawing of a slug because there isn't an emoji how rude] Fearghal: can put the salt away, meant it, honey [🍯💘] Tess: call me honey again and I'll stab you Fearghal: strangeways, here we come Tess: morgue for yous Fearghal: wish it were a promise, blondie Tess: it is, not a soft lad, i don't only put the tip in, like Fearghal: [puts his hand up like sir this girl is flirting with me] Tess: you wish Fearghal: [does daydream bubble above his cartoon head and sighs IRL so wistfully and dramatically] Tess: [writes I'm a doss cunt in the bubble and makes him be crying] Fearghal: awh, well how'd you know Tess: [points to her eyes like I've got them and use them] Fearghal: pretty Tess: [when you cross it out so dramatically cos you're fuming now because 1. we can all imagine the shit josh used to say 2. she's not allowed to live that way 3. thinks he's just flirting with her like the rest cos she's easy] Tess: fuck off Fearghal: [a bit like ?! but has the decency to hide it like shrugging like alright] Tess: [moody silence be like because can't look at him cos then eye contact and don't think about my eyes please] Fearghal: is charlie coming tonight too Fearghal: [coke] Tess: Yeah Fearghal: y'know what time? Fearghal: [price] Tess: [again idk but let's say she writes it there for him obvs] Fearghal: [does thumbs up when he can catch her eye for a sec] Tess: [nods to show that she saw it but those eyes are dead honey] Fearghal: what do you reckon he peps his coffee up with then [gesturing at the teacher who's so out of it] Tess: scotch [draws a 👃 like figured that out ages ago bye] Tess: teacher's highland cream if he had jokes Fearghal: you're funny even if he ain't Fearghal: not giving him that much credit personally, least that's an actual drink Fearghal: I reckon it's straight paint thinner vodka in that black coffee Tess: he likes to actually drink, irish he's not woman having a midlife crisis Tess: that was his wife Fearghal: so it ain't her red wine leftovers in there Tess: it'd be turned to vinegar Fearghal: [draws broken heart] Fearghal: bless him Tess: you sound like you're a woman having a midlife crisis Fearghal: ugly bitch if I am Tess: sound not look, bitch Fearghal: I get it Fearghal: older women are hot Tess: [crosses it out like no thank you] Fearghal: [draws himself with long hair crying] Tess: [starts putting her hand up again but puts it down immediately cos just for the bants] Fearghal: [is 😏] Fearghal: you'd know if I was Fearghal: reps anything to go by Tess: [draws an arrow to the older women are hot comment even though she put a line through it let's say it's still readable and a 💔 next to it] Tess: too young for you Fearghal: you're gutted Tess: [goes over and over the 💔 until it's really dark and emphasised like yeah obvs] Fearghal: eh carve it on the desk so i know its real, blondie Tess: [does because give a shit] Fearghal: [beats whatever is probably written about them in the bathrooms etc] Tess: [taking a sec to deal with her other notes/drug deals while the teacher is drunkenly asleep like] Tess: carve it into his head so i know it's real, fearghal Fearghal: [the rest of y'all better keep your chill enough so he can get it done then you can all run out early tah, 'DOSS CUNT' is the way to go obvs] Tess: [is so 😏 not fake rn at all] Tess: [people be following her like she's the pied piper cos deals to be done] Fearghal: [goes off like he ain't gonna stay but is actually just going for a piss or whatever so the crowd dies down a bit] Tess: [when you're waiting because you need the cash but it looks like you're shamelessly waiting for him] Fearghal: [walks back when the last kid is leaving and makes a face like 'looks like you'd make lots offa him'] Tess: [giving nothing away by your face because in work mode] Fearghal: [when you sit down on a step, wherever and get out a pouch of baccy and a rizla and start rolling 'cos conflicted 'cos got your own shit you have to save for here but also clearly need to get fucked up atm so- but you offer her the first one 'may as well'] Tess: [gives him a death stare like fuck you I can roll my own and probs better than you but still takes it but deliberately doesn't sit cos gotta keep that distance, blowing smoke like you're so furious he's being a time waster when we all know it's good to take a sec actually] Fearghal: [gives an amused little half-laugh on the exhale of his own smoke at her display 'can't charge me for time, still have 20 minutes in there if it weren't for me, blondie' shrugs] Tess: [just got the 🚬 in your mouth so you can pick at the bitten skin around your nails like it's not sore enough already and pretend like he doesn't exist to you] Fearghal: [just whistling to yourself 'cos you can't do silence] Tess: [when you lowkey kick him like shut up omg because can't pretend he's not there if he won't let you and to remind him you still are like are we doing this deal or nah] Fearghal: [slides the cash over to her on the floor like there you go] Tess: [hands him them droogs after she's picked up and counted the cash of course but she's written her name for him on whatever they're in like there you go 'nickname can go die on it's arse now' but we all know she'd die if he called her by her name actually] Fearghal: [breathes out like really? when he sees her name 'cos coincidences everywhere and shakes his head like 'fuck sake' and a little lol 'as long as you don't stab me for it, I'll stick with Blondie, tah'] Tess: [another death stare because what's wrong with my name fuck you and also so glad I bothered telling you then but crosses her name out like it's so casual which makes me lol cos it looks like she's gonna take her drugs back like none for you bye] Fearghal: [just getting up to either get his drugs or money back but still more bemused than mad, like 'nothing personal, babe'] Tess: [shoves his drugs back at him because don't call me babe] Fearghal: [does a cross over his mouth like whoops and pockets the droogs 'tah'] Tess: [just 🚬 like because as he said nowhere to be yet] Fearghal: [when you're just in your thoughts but trying not to be so you gotta lowkey make smalltalk 'you always lived here?'] Tess: ['the accent's not jarg, irish, is yours?' why is that the word for fake okay then] Fearghal: [can just about follow that one lol 'yeah, reckon it'd make me dead popular, nothing like fitting in' gestures at himself up and down with a grin 'cos does not in any way] Tess: [looks him up and down like 😒 don't protest too much babe 'heard you ain't had no issue finding holes to fit yourself in' cos that milf rumor popping off] Fearghal: ['careful, indifference gets to sounding like jealousy if you shout about it' but shrugs like and what?] Tess: [laughs in a way that would be so much like a fuck you 'proper scouse 101, say a cunt's still got a ma and da under one roof, don't come and fuck that ma under the same, however boss she looks in a nightie and slippers'] Fearghal: [makes a face that's so fake shook 'Well now you tell me, Blondie- No bother, 'cos if I can get in, s'the family that's already broken, not the door, give a fuck if some soft lad-' mimics her accent for that bit- 'and his da are gonna cry about it, his mum weren't'] Tess: [shrugs because lbr if that lad was gonna do anything or his dad they already would have and she's done her bit by 'warning' him for next time] Fearghal: [flicks his ash away and coughs 'if they seem desperate to get caught themselves, I'll reconsider next time, maybe'] Tess: ['it's your life, babe' mimics his accent for the babe because have to if he did it first] Fearghal: [nods like 😏 'nah fairplay my accent is well fit'] Tess: [the most disgusted face she can do and still be serious] Fearghal: [just laughing always 'alright then blondie, see you later'] Tess: [nods because inevitably] Fearghal: [time skip to a party] Tess: [girl be working hard drinking some horrible 90s energy drink that's probably worse for you than drugs because much to do] Fearghal: [can only imagine how gone he and Katya are] Tess: [everyone but her lowkey how bored she'd be] Fearghal: [s'not a mood but this party wouldn't really be anyway we all know it Tess: [story of their lives] Katya: [gonna be looking ravey af, the glitter and neon paint would be so real, coming up like 'hello' like you're already mates] Tess: [when she'd be shook because nobody says hello to her ever but covering it well of course and just giving her a look like what do you want because there's only one reason she's here] Katya: ['You look very bored'] Tess: [has to stop herself from loling because caught off guard again as that wasn't what she expected her to say but just looks at her like let me sell you some drugs and then I'll have something to do] Katya: [looks at her and raises an eyebrow like, I don't buy my own drugs 'Would you like something else to drink?'] Tess: [is conflicted af because obviously would because this party is boring af but like is also working and also we know the state of her father and also doesn't like owing people things which reminds her that she owes Fearghal a smoke so she's like 'where's the irish lad?' because thinks they are fucking/know each other better than they do] Katya: [has a look round genuinely like idk let's see but clearly can't see him or she would've babe, rolls eyes but affectionately 'must be upstairs'] Tess: [shrugs like it's so casual but goes to get a real drink cos fuck it] Katya: [is like 'hey!' 'cos she was gonna get it but smiles and stays put 'cos not gonna follow her that hard] Tess: [is probably ages cos getting waylaid by punters but comes back to stand where she was cos Katya is less annoying than the other dickheads here] Katya: [has just been grooving, with lads she wanna, avoiding the ones she don't like 'scuse me, in that vain running up to Tess and being like 'save me' in her ear so this particular one takes the hint] Tess: [death stares whoever it is like off you fuck now cos you don't wanna start shit with her boy] Katya: [shrugs at him like whoops sorry but is 😏 so evidently not 'Мудак' (Mu-dak, specifically for dudes) as she turns back to Tess, shaking her head] Fearghal: [suddenly popping back up like 'Dunno what you just called me but don't reckon I deserve it, like'] Tess: [is also 😏 because amused by Katya's antics anyway but have to keep the expression on around Fearghal of course and puts a 🚬 in his hand immediately like] Fearghal: [looks at it then at her like confusion 'cos high but then 💡 and nods her way like oh yeah, cheers and puts it behind his ear for later and puts an arm around Katya who is squishing his face like 'never!'] Tess: [when they are nothing like Josh or Summer but it reminds her of having friends so she wants to die just drinking too fast like] Fearghal: [the mood so neither of them is gonna call her out on it even though they see it, Fearghal specifically looking at her like 'Celebrating?' and a face like same 'cos doesn't need saying that obvs not but Katya raising whatever she's got like 'Ha За здоровье!'] Tess: [when she just ignores him and cheers Katya with whatever you're drinking as like I'll be off now but then she sees that the gruesome twosome are here and straight up freezes] Fearghal: [when you both look and are both 😒 like eurgh 'cos wouldn't fuck with either of them as is and like everyone knows who they are in relation to Tess so get why she's reacted like that, so he goes off to get more drinks having to go past them like 'scuse me dickheads and Katya turning her back so Tess can stand her ground and not but still look like they having an in-depth convo 'she was your friend' a statement way more than a question 'I think she would like to be you, she is an idiot'] Tess: [watching them kiss and dance together cos can't look away so I hope Fearghal barges into them even if he didn't need to so she can stop and down the rest of her drink to get rid of the taste of blood in her mouth from holding herself back from doing anything else since she's still got drugs on her like we said, can't be starting drama especially with Summer who's 100% that bitch. About to nod at Katya because she was her friend for such a long time but then snapping the fuck out of that instinct and shaking her head because not anymore clearly and scoffing because yeah Summer is an idiot, who'd wanna be her when she doesn't even wanna] Fearghal: [Katya scoffs back 'She would rather be thought pretty and have boyfriend than have things that matters but this is like all girls our age, yes? Silly, knowing nothing about anything.' Fearghal coming back with three of whatever and shoving one at Tess as quick as she did the cigarette, swapping it for her empty, throwing it not at Summer and Josh but in their general direction 'What would you like to do?' Katya adds, taking a swig of her drink 'We can find you more customers if you would like'] Tess: [literally would wanna say something about how much Josh and the family they were meant to be did matter but not drunk enough for that although she blatantly will be soon cos haven't eaten anything in forever probably and would drink like half the drink he just gave her immediately like what could go wrong here. Finally saying 'Yeah' to both things but so quietly they'd struggle to hear it over this rave if they were anybody else and making herself move into the crowd to get customers instead of away which is what she'd wanna do] Fearghal: [she can go off to get all the lads and clearly get so fucked up 'cos all gonna buy her some too 'cos that's the ploy here, whereas he's gonna stay in sight 'cos shamelessly protective and can step in if anything kicks off with those two] Tess: [god bless, not all heroes wear capes lads, I appreciate less lads for Tess to have to deal with as she's getting white girl wasted in this club] Fearghal: [go have a cry you deserve it lbr] Tess: [just in the bathroom like the girly cliche you're not] Fearghal: [have at it honey, shame he can't smack Josh yet really] Tess: [kick everyone out first though you don't need that to be your rep] Fearghal: [meanwhile actually do smack him 'cos any reason at a party where everyone's fucked up] Tess: [hooray for coming back and them being gone] Fearghal: [small blessings, and they've probably shifted a fair amount between 'em so] Tess: [give this smol drunk child her money lads and she'll try not to cry on you] Fearghal: [all the funds for you] Tess: [give them a drug freebie like thanks even if Katya might wanna save hers for later if she's had loads] Fearghal: [I hope you've cheeked some for later or you'll be so skyhigh/about to die lol] Tess: [when she'd just wanna leave but like that's not her life]

[blacklodgemusictx]

"Have a good time!" You deserve it.

I deserve it...? I had a series of misfortunes last year from month 1 to month 12. A bunch of bad things happened... but she lost her brother. I lost a dear friend, but she lost blood. That she qualifies my good time like this is one of the many things I have faced lately that I haven't the brain power to deal with or the words to articulate. There is a secret sadness marked on her heart with her brother's name and yet she and her family are making sure we can leave town for an extended period of time without fearing for our menagerie of creatures; beloved furry and feathery companions.

You deserve it.

I have never deserved anything a day in my life.

I don't know why I think this way. I try to be mindful because I have heard similar declarations from friends and that they don't understand their own worth and that they are deserving of good things... sometimes the amount of sense such statements lack... I want to shake them. Shake sense in to them. Which means someone out there probably wants to shake me for similar reasons.

All I can think of is mirror pieces. Pieces of lots of things. The great shattering. The Tower of Babbel. When everything broke and we were all cast apart as diminished creatures, you ended up with a piece I need. I have the pieces you need, but if you don't talk to me... I'll never know. And vice versa.

I gave her a song.

He gave me books to read that changed my life.

She gave voice to my own ponderings: why isn't anything beautiful anymore? (She makes everything she touches more beautiful. The world is truly a more beautiful place simply by her existence in it.) The cars all the look the same, the buildings all look the same. There are no more great monuments to time and place and humanity in our weird throw away culture.

All of this is to say, human experience is the great unifier... if we let it be.

And we are on tour again. Rental car trouble and a flight change right out of the gate, but we are there.

I tell the nice couple in front of us at the Mucky Duck in Houston last night. Salim? We're with him. All the Texas dates and then? Then after San Antonio, we fly to Philadelphia and keep going with him and Rhett Miller.

I'm not trying to brag. I promise. I am trying to articulate the amazing amount of luck that has lead me to this place on this night (fabulous little venue -- try the shepard's pie with a Princess Peach mocktail... you won't be sorry!)

My husband stirs next to me. He makes some sort of noise of dissent when I say "we" … "we are with them." But we are. I'm not playing pretend like so many years ago where "going on tour" meant being at all the same shows as a certain band who would wave and maybe say my name, "Hi, Liz!" while they went to their air conditioned dressing rooms and I sat outside in the heat... heat... heat... it was always heat. And I wouldn't eat or drink so I could keep my place in line and then when the band finally hit the stage: I'd be so dehydrated, many times I would swoon.

Told the guitar player that once, "I thought that was you!" He smiled. Smiled. That happened. Hit the ground in Austin so many years ago. And no one cared. Especially not the people a younger, more naïve me would have done anything for.

Misplaced allegiance.

No. it's not that way this time.

This time Marty Willson-Piper gets the biggest smile on his face when he sees us. His [beautiful, radiant, wonderful] wife, Olivia, comes to say hello. Salim's friend [powerhouse, force for good, appreciator of cats] Sarah sits with us at our table for a bit. Salim's brilliant guitar player friend, Joe Reyes, tells me it's nice to see me. Salim asks us how we like The Duck.

Salim, infinitely patient, described it to me as a sort of exposure therapy: if I am around good, kind people who like me and want me around long enough maybe I will start to finally believe that is what I deserve.

I truly don't know what I deserve, but I believe Salim and the others when they talk. And I am smart enough to know I am currently living a life others only dream of.

"How do you go on tour, Liz"? I was asked after last time. You go after what you want. You don't give in to fear. I just happened to meet a strange, tall, talented man that radiated vibes of goodness and caring and instead of crawling off in a bush to be intimated as is per my usual, I went after what I wanted: yes, sir, I know we are both adults and therefore this is awkward beyond imagining, but you sing pretty songs that touch my heart. Please be my friend.

And sometimes the simplest approach is all it takes.