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riversofmars · 2 years

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Prompt: "Confrontation"

Rating: Explicit

Summary: Lying awake, Liv finds herself thinking of Helen as she often does. She has been pining over her best friend for so long and sometimes, in the dead of night, her imagination runs away with her. As she loses herself in the fantasy that she doubts would ever become a reality, Helen walks in.

Compromising Circumstances

Liv Chenka couldn’t sleep.

It wasn’t the bed in her room at 107 Baker Street that was the problem. It might not have been the comfiest thing in the world but it was perfectly adequate and still the same from the last time she had stayed here nearly five decades ago. The mattress had been replaced since but the sturdy wooden frame remained, albeit creaking with old age. The fact that it made a noise every time she turned - which was a lot given her restless state - didn’t help to improve matters, but it was not the cause of her sleeplessness.

The cause was her over-active mind. Sometimes it simply refused to switch off and let her surrender to the depth of sleep. She had a tendency to analyse everything that had happened through the course of the day and tonight her mind seemed determined to rip apart every conversation she’d had with Helen, her best friend.

They were under each other’s feet even more than usual. Since they had been stranded in London and with the distractions of their adventurous lifestyle snatched away, they had fallen into what could almost be described as domesticity as they waited for the Doctor to fix the TARDIS. When there were no monsters to contend with, no immediate danger breathing down their necks and the greatest challenge of the day consisted of sorting through the household bills, Liv was left with nothing much to think about but their interactions throughout the day: The way Helen had presented her with breakfast halfway through the morning after they had both slept in, simply because they could; the way they had lounged on the sofa together, flicking through television channels neither one of them was interested in; the way Helen had stripped off her blouse after spilling half her tea over it. Liv’s mind ground to an abrupt halt and she groaned to herself in annoyance. No matter how she tried, she couldn’t get the image out of her head. The pale yet freckly skin of Helen’s chest, the soft bulge of her breasts under a navy bra and the way Helen threw a playful, unassuming “You don’t half stare, do you, Liv? Eyes up here!” at her head. The med-tech had blushed scarlet and apologised profusely and Helen had merely laughed and explained she was teasing her.

Now, Liv was lying awake, mortified about the whole experience, as she wondered if she had been caught red-handed or if Helen would simply drop the matter. The latter was the more likely scenario, she tried to reassure herself, as such was the state of their relationship. They were friends. The best of friends, granted, but friends with firmly defined boundaries. Not friends with benefits, not partners, not lovers… they were simply friends and that was that. It didn’t stop Liv from imagining and wishing for more. It wasn’t a conscious choice, she had no say in the matter. Her mind conjured up the image of her best friend with alarming frequency. Liv knew she was attracted to Helen, she knew she wanted to be more than friends, she knew that she was in love with her even, but the lovely linguist appeared to be very much a woman of her time, the 1960s, where relationships between women were largely forbidden and only took place behind firmly closed doors. And thus, the door that could have led to more remained firmly closed for Liv as well.

Liv threw herself around, onto her front, willing her mind to turn anywhere else but not make her relive the embarrassment from before as she buried her face in the pillows. The bed frame gave a merciless creak as if to reprimand her. Regardless, her mind returned to Helen as she thought of the smirk on her lips and how she wished she could kiss them as she made her apologies for staring. It had been inappropriate, of course, as was conjuring the image of her state of undress now, but she couldn’t help it. They were moments like these where her mind wouldn’t stop racing, longing to entertain fanciful fantasies of the things they could have together in another life, and, sometimes, Liv even allowed herself to indulge in them. In the dead of night when she lay awake restless, she figured she wasn’t doing any harm by following the avenues her mind was taking her down. She squeezed her eyes shut as she recalled the smirk on Helen’s lips and the soft lilt of her voice rang in her ears.

“You don’t half stare, do you Liv? Eyes up here!”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-” Liv’s cheeks burned with shame when Helen raised her eyebrows and stepped closer.

“It’s alright, Liv, I don’t mind you staring,” she hummed and Liv buried her face further into the pillows as her mind supplied a different, and all the more intriguing possibility. She imagined her advancing towards her as she herself remained rooted to the floor. And then, Helen grabbed her head and kissed her passionately. She pushed her hands into the hair and Liv gave an involuntary groan as she imagined her head being pulled back.

Liv knew she should be interrupting this train of thought, get out of bed for a cold shower or the like, but her imagination was running wild and the fantasy far too alluring to abandon. She imagined Helen pushing her back against the table, groping her through her top and giving a soft, delighted laugh at the moan that escaped her.

Liv tossed her head around, resting it on her arm with her forehead pressed to the crook of her elbow so she could breathe a little easier. Her heart started racing, aware and ashamed of the illicitness of her actions, and yet, she knew there was only one way to get rid of the thoughts that would otherwise keep her awake for hours. It wasn’t as if it was the first time… She pushed her free hand down her front and into her shorts.

She swore under her breath when she realised how worked up she was already. It was embarrassing and in her mind Helen thought to point out as much.

“God, Liv, I didn’t realise I had this effect on you,” the linguist hummed against the shell of her ear as she pushed her hand down the front of her jeans. She dragged her fingers through her wetness and Liv mirrored the action with her own hand. It wasn’t the same. She wanted Helen’s voice in her ears, she wanted her taste on her lips, she wanted her touch on her skin but she had to make due with what she had: her mind and her own practised fingers.

“Helen-” she breathed. She started tracing circles around her clit as she imagined Helen kissing her throat, whispering sweet nothings that encouraged her to buck her hips forward. She whimpered. She started getting hot and kicked her duvet off herself before refocusing her efforts between her legs. She rocked her hips against her hand.

Annoyed, she threw her head around once more as her body wasn’t playing ball. Her hand cramped up, she lost her rhythm and she swore in frustration. It wasn’t enough, none of it, no matter how hard she tried. Even as she slipped her fingers inside herself, it was nowhere near what she craved, nothing like she imagined Helen’s fingers would fill her up if she pushed her down over the table. She could get herself off but that didn’t mean it was a patch on what she imagined sex with Helen would be like.

“Please, Helen-” Liv pleaded, her frustration mounting. Why couldn’t she have what she craved? Was it so crazy to think that after everything they had been through together, they couldn’t embark on one more crazy adventure with each other? The logical, natural conclusion to what had been coming for years still eluded them. It was all Liv wanted. She brought her other hand down to aid her task. She briefly considered turning over but her own weight on her hand felt good and she imagined Helen’s weight on top of her as she held her down, thrusting harder. She gasped her name imagining Helen’s breath against her shoulders, as a gust of air hit the back of her neck where her hair was beginning to stick to her with sweat.

“Liv-” Helen’s voice came out in a gasp as well and Liv crashed back to reality when she realised the door to her bedroom had been opened.

There was a moment of stunned silence as time seemed to slow to a trickle. It was like watching an accident in slow motion as Liv stilled the movement of her hands, squeezed her eyes shut and sent a desperate prayer to unnamed, unknown forces that she would wake and find she had been having a nightmare. What were the odds that Helen would walk into her room late at night when she was in the middle of… Had she heard her say - no, moan! - her name?!

What came after that happened very quickly: Liv scrambled upright, pulling her hands from her shorts and turned. She pulled her duvet up to cover herself which was a futile action for comfort. There was no doubt Helen had already had the opportunity for a good look of her legs in very short shorts as she had lain spread out on the bed. She had most likely also noticed how her tank top had stuck to her with sweat. Everything else was more than obvious from Liv flushing red hot, from her frantic breaths of panic and her mortified expression.

“Helen-” she croaked out and her name sounded entirely different with a touch of fear, rather than whimpered longing.

Helen stood rooted to the spot. She appeared utterly stunned. She had blushed deeply - who could blame her! - and she held onto the door frame for support. Her mouth opened but no words would come out.

Liv had no illusions. The linguist was anything but stupid and of course she must have realised what she had interrupted. She could only hope she hadn’t heard her say her name. Their friendship could survive the embarrassment of being walked in on while masturbating, but it probably wouldn’t if Helen guessed she had been the one on Liv’s mind.

“W-what are y-you doing here? I-It’s late,” the med-tech stuttered as she clutched the duvet more tightly. Her heartbeat was thundering in her ears.

“I- was just…” Helen took a deep breath, still unable to form a coherent sentence as it seemed. “Getting a cup of tea and I- I heard you say my name, so I-” She broke off and Liv realised all her worst fears had come to pass. Helen knew. She knew and she looked mortified, just as Liv felt herself.

“I’m- I’m so sorry, I never-” Liv stammered and tears well up in her eyes: Tears of regret and fear as she considered the consequences of her actions. Helen was bound to take offence but where would they go from there? Would she get angry? Would she feel violated? Would she despise her for what she had done? “I have no excuse-” She knew there was nothing she could say, no explanation, no matter how heartfelt, could justify her actions. So what if she was the only thing on her mind? So what if this was just an expression of her deepest desires? So what if she was desperately in love with her? She tried to imagine her own reaction if the roles were reversed but she couldn’t. If she had walked in on Helen in compromising circumstances, she probably would have been thrilled and tried to take advantage but the linguist didn’t share the romantic feelings she had.

“I- I think I’d better just-” Helen stumbled over own feet as she turned, seemingly intent on leaving.

“No, Helen, please, I-” Liv didn’t know what to say but she didn’t want her to simply leave. She couldn’t let her walk away as she feared she might find her never returning.

“I can’t do this, Liv,” the linguist shook her head and gave a desperate sort of laugh. She turned away as she seemed unable to meet her eyes any longer. Liv threw the duvet aside and clambered out of bed as she rushed after her. She grabbed her wrist and pulled her back inside the room.

“Helen, please, I’m so sorry, please forgive me,” the med-tech pleaded and put herself in between the door and Helen who shook her head in disbelief.

“Forgive you for what, exactly?” She snapped when she seemed to regain control of her voice, it trembled with anger and Liv’s heart sank.

“For- I-” She stuttered but she didn’t have the words to respond. Her mind went blank when Helen met her eyes at last and she recognised the storm of emotions that seemed to be raging inside her.

“What exactly were you doing, hm? Would you like to spell that out to me?” Helen carried and took a threatening step towards her, growing more and more furious as her emotions lashed out.

“I-” Liv had no defence to mount and she couldn’t imagine she really wanted her to spell out what she had been doing. It had been painfully obvious.

“I don’t care what you do in the privacy of your own bed, Liv, but I would be grateful if you could leave me out of it,” Helen hissed angrily as she jabbed her finger at her, causing first cracks to run across the med-tech’s heart. Until this point she had still held out hope, against all odds, that maybe her best friend shared some of the feelings she had been experiencing but if her reaction was anything to go back, it evidently had been a pipe-dream.

“I never meant for you to find out, I would never have…” Liv whispered, terrified of her wrath and the consequences of her indiscretion.

“And do you really think that makes it better?” Helen shot back with a bitter laugh. “Am I supposed to take this as a compliment?” She shook her head in disbelief.

“I don’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable,” the med-tech dropped her eyes to the floor.

“Bit late for that,” Helen retorted icily but Liv continued to bar her way so she asked after a brief pause: “Care to explain why at least?”

“Why?” Liv’s eyes shot up, surprised and terrified by the question.

“Yes, Liv, why?” The linguist repeated angrily. “Why don’t you just, I don’t know, go on the internet or something like everybody else?” She seemed to be fighting tears as she clenched her jaw and Liv’s heart sank.

“I-” She stuttered. “I never meant- I didn’t set out to- I just happened when I was thinking about you. I’ve always been attracted to you but since you’re not- or at least since you never gave any indication whether you might be-” She tried to explain somehow but found it impossible. Admitting her attraction to her was easy as it was painfully obvious but words failed her after that.

“Oh, so it’s my fault is it?” Helen shot back and Liv gaped:

“No!” She exclaimed quickly.

“Certainly explains why you were staring,” the linguist carried on.

“I’m sorry, I’m only human, okay?” The words broke out of Liv as she felt unable to keep a hold of her emotions. The confrontation was too much, too painful, too raw and she didn’t know where her head was at. She felt cornered between Helen and the door, even though she had chosen to put herself there and as her best friend laid into her, she had to defend herself, somehow, or she would break under the pressure. “And you have absolutely no idea what you’re doing to me!” She snapped, frustrated.

“I’m getting a pretty good idea now,” the linguist scoffed.

“No, you don’t!” Liv shot back angrily. “What you don’t realise is that I think about you ALL THE TIME,” she yelled before she could stop herself. “For years, I have been pining over you and never said anything because I was scared of the rejection and ruining our friendship. I have spent years trying to suppress these feelings! To stop, somehow!” She gesticulated wildly as she lost her grip on herself. She couldn’t make out Helen’s reaction, not when tears filled her eyes and she was left blind to the world as she laid her heart bare with its cracks deepening: “I don’t want to feel about you the way I do. I want us to simply be the best of friends so that I can be content and happy instead of thinking about you every moment of every day and all the things I want that I can’t have!” She wiped her eyes with the back of her hand, her frustration and sorrow turning to bitterness as she carried on: “So I’m sorry if I have given myself over to a fantasy for a time. I’m sorry if it offends you that I think about you like that. You were never meant to find out and I never meant to hurt you. I’m sure one day my feelings for you will pass. If I ignore them for long enough, if you put me out of my misery now and tell me that it will never happen, maybe I can let it go at last.” Only once she had finished, she looked up to meet her eyes and she found Helen stunned for a moment. The anger that had been evident on her face had faded a little and was replaced by something akin to confusion and pensiveness.

"Is that… what you want?” She asked slowly into the heavy silence that had fallen following Liv’s outburst.

“What?” The med-tech was confused as well.

“Is that what you want? Do you want me to tell you that I don’t return your feelings, that I never will, that what you did was wrong?” Helen asked without looking at her.

Liv hung her head, preparing for the hammer to fall. Of course she didn’t want to tell her all those things but it would make things easier in the long run. It would put her out of her misery of hoping otherwise. Silence stretched between them, heavy and filled with what felt like unspoken accusations and disappointment and the med-tech hugged her arms around herself. She tried not to cry, she didn’t want to appear weak but she felt as though her life was about to be taken away from her. The life she had built with Helen, even just as friends, meant everything to her. And she felt as though she was about to lose it all.

“Why did you never say anything before?” Helen’s voice was soft as she broke the heavy silence, far more gentle and shaky than Liv had expected. It was a simple, honest question and a startling contrast to what she had expected to hear. The med-tech’s eyes shot up in shock and for a moment, she forgot about the anxiety, the sorrow, the grief that had already begun to sink into her bones in the face of losing everything.

“I-” Liv didn’t know what to say. She simply stared at Helen who had hugged her arms around herself as well and had pulled her shoulders up, betraying her tension. Her eyes were angled down and while Liv couldn’t be sure, she thought to see tears welling up in her eyes. She didn’t know what to make of Helen’s sudden change of demeanour. She was grateful for the reprieve, for the fact that it seemed her anger had faded and hoped it was a good sign but that didn’t take away from the sudden worry she felt at the sight of her. “I didn’t want to risk our friendship,” she said gently.

“Right,” the linguist nodded with a tight-lipped smile. She looked to be tightening the grip around her upper arms.

“Helen, I’m so sorry…” Liv apologised again as she watched her best friend, waiting for a reaction, a statement that didn’t come. Helen remained motionless, without looking at her, lost to her own thoughts it seemed and with every passing moment, the silence grew heavier. “Please just… say something,” the med-tech tried to break the tension. She gathered her courage when Helen still didn’t respond, she took a step towards her and wrapped her fingers around her wrist, bidding for her attention. The linguist didn’t release her hold on herself but she did look up to meet her eyes. Liv didn’t know how to read her expression, so full of questions and confusion, torn between what could be sorrow, disappointment or something else entirely. The med-tech tried her best to put on a brave, encouraging face. “Say the first thing that comes to your mind, anything, just… I’m so sorry but I can’t- I won’t give up on our friendship so we need to talk and-”

Helen crossed the short distance between them and silenced her rambling with her lips. Liv froze up, her face suddenly in her friend’s hands with her lips warm against her own, pressing firmly, urgently and the reality of it took a moment to sink in.

“Oh God…” The med-tech blinked, stunned when Helen pulled back. “Helen…”

“I-” The linguist didn’t seem to have the words to explain herself, just as Liv couldn’t form a coherent sentence to ask about what just had happened. She had kissed her. Unmistakably. But why? Liv’s heart had long started racing again. She didn’t dare hope as the emotions on the linguist’s face were nothing short of conflicted but she had never - in a million years - expected her to kiss her out of the blue. And then Helen whispered: “If only you had said before…”

“Are you- are you serious?” Liv forgot to breathe for a second as her heart skipped a beat and colour drained from her face. She wasn’t sure she had heard her right. Was this, perhaps, a dream after all? Her head was reeling, even as Helen reached out to take her hand and mumbled:

“I overreacted, I’m sorry…”

“No, you-” Liv stuttered when she remembered that she could speak. She most certainly hadn’t overreacted. Regardless of how she felt about her - and Liv’s heart jumped at the realisation there was a very real chance now that she did feel something for her - to find her pleasuring herself to the idea of her was still too much.

Helen, however, gave a wary smile now and squeezed her hand as she dropped her gaze. She didn’t seem to be able to carry on while looking at her.

“It was just… I didn’t realise it actually meant-” She started explaining and Liv waited, giving her time and space to gather her thoughts, even as her heartbeat quickened once more. “It’s just that in that moment it felt like the universe was having a good old laugh at my misfortune,” she gave a sad smile but her voice steadied slowly with every word as she seemed to be growing more sure of herself. “Having had feelings for you for so long and being scared of them and not allowing myself to- and then, you’re there and you’re saying my name and I-” She broke off and took a deep breath. “It felt cruel, it felt like a mockery of what- but that you were actually serious and-” Liv had heard enough. She leaned up and kissed her once more. It hurt to hear that for a moment Helen had thought it a cosmic joke at her expense, she understood her anger but the negative emotions and thoughts became meaningless as all that stuck with Liv was the declaration that Helen had previously unexpressed feelings for her. It was all that mattered. She didn’t want to waste another moment. She kissed her passionately, ran her tongue against her lips and Helen kissed her back! Liv found Helen’s hips to hold on to and Helen found Liv’s face. She stroked her cheeks with her thumbs and brushed away the remainders of tears, they had no need of them any longer. She opened her lips to her tongue and returned the med-tech’s deep kiss eagerly.

“Wow…” Liv whispered as she rested her forehead to Helen’s, coming up for air. “That was- That was even better than I’d imagined.”

“I take it you’ve imagined it a lot?” The linguist hummed, almost playfully light, free of accusations. It didn’t stop Liv from feeling regret about how things had happened.

“I’m still very sorry… it was disrespectful…” She mumbled and hung her head a little. Her heart rejoiced at the surprising turn of events, and yet, she couldn’t quite get over the circumstances. Her cheeks burned with embarrassment.

“What were you thinking about?” Helen replied and her tone was almost teasing as she wrapped her arms around Liv’s waist, seemingly unwilling to let her retreat. “Was that… the first time?” She searched her eyes for an explanation and Liv groaned as she realised she couldn’t lie.

“No…” She mumbled awkwardly and shifted from one leg to the other. “You honestly have no idea what you do to me, Helen…”

“Would it make you feel better if I admitted that I’ve thought about it too?” Helen gave a sheepish smile. “When I’ve been unable to sleep?” She dropped her voice suggestively and Liv’s eyes widened in shock.

“You- You have?” She squeaked, surprised and flushing red-hot, as her vivid imagination reared its head again. The thought that Helen might have gotten up to similar activities as they had both been pining in the dead of night…

“A lot…” Helen admitted leaning into her, as she urged her backwards. Liv’s eyes widened with shock when her back hit the door.

“Right,” the med-tech’s head was spinning as she looked up to Helen, the atmosphere flipped from emotional to charged. She wet her lips subconsciously with anticipation mounting as the linguist appeared to be weighing up her options. She took a breath, almost as if to gather her courage.

“But I don’t think either one of us wants to keep imagining...” She said at last and all Liv could do was nod as her heart jumped into her throat. And then the linguist kissed her again. She pushed her hand into her hair and dragged her head back before she moved to her throat with hot kisses.

“Helen-” Liv groaned as her heartbeat quickened and the realisation came to her that her dreams were about to be realised. She gasped when Helen brought her hand down between her legs where her shorts provided little cover.

“So how about you tell me what you’ve been thinking about?” The linguist hummed against the shell of her ear and Liv dug her nails into her shoulders, uttering her name once more.

#Doctor Who #fanfiction #liv chenka #helen sinclair #femslash #liv x helen #angst #feelings #confrontation #songs of love 2022 #prompt month

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