#proseposting

[purpleprosey]

Do you ever feel like your characters have more... depth than you do as an actual real human being? More meaning?

It's funny that as a writer, I like making characters with so many vast perspectives and so many emotions, and then in real life I'm... this awkward person who eats and sleeps and goes to school and doesn't contribute much. Seriously I don't have a single thought in my head. When someone asks me to explain something I'm so scatterbrained and can't really put it into words well

But as soon as I force myself to write, boom, there's so many ideas out there that I didn't even know I could understand. That I didn't know was even POSSIBLE for me to comprehend. My characters can wax poetic for paragraphs about the nature of suffering or anarchy or their trauma while in real life if someone asked me about any of those things I'd go "eh I don't know I'm not that thoughtful of a person." In real life I'm bad with expressing words and thoughts, and online I'm bad with expressing emotion.

But my characters aren't.

It's fun for me to visualize that they're spirits in the air being channeled through my body, possessing me through every single letter on the page. Spirits summoned forth in fleeting moments of inspiration before I go back to scrolling through my phone and doing nothing. Characters that have more capacity for thought and feeling than I ever will, because they aren't me.

...Except that they are. Of course. Maybe they're untapped little parts of my voice, yearning to be let out... I don't know. Probably. But it's why I like writing, because I get to feel like different people for a while and it's really, really freeing.

[elithien]

I'm really afraid that I won't be able to get one of your decks. They're so pretty! Is there any way in the future that you'd get more or is this a once-and-done deal?

It’s unlikely since the minimum order is quite high to meet the demand. But I do have some leftovers that i’ll post somewhere between feb/mar so there is that possibility!

[jgreyblog]

You suggested my prose was just a social media rant, and I should consider the repercussions when in reality, you just didn't want my words to influence your social standing. How dare you say I should not express my feelings on pen and paper because of your image; he mocked and humiliated me in front of hundreds of people! I thought you supported me...

j. grey 

[akaiiros]

i’m literally right bc i read the lines “sorry about the blood in your mouth i wish it was mine” “you will be alone always then you will die” “love, for you, is larger than the usual romantic love. it’s like a religion” “you do this, you do. you take the things you love and tear them apart” “because you want to die for love, you always have” and then i watched death note and listened to from the gallows and lurk on repeat for two weeks (for you i’d die or kill myself) (i’ll fucking digest you one kiss at a time) and then i made that my fucking obsession

my obsession with blood biting feralcore all started when i read richard siken crush in january

[purpleprosey]

I love how frequently I forget how to portray my own characters. like for a period of time they were possessing my brain, and now they aren’t, which leaves me unable to find their voices to capture.

then the only recourse I have is to pull up “their most memorable quotes” and stare at them repeatedly while panicking over making everyone OOC even though it’s my own writing. in this way my imagination is like fruit on a tree that I can never reach again in quite the same way…

[purpleprosey]

So not sure if this is just a little idiosyncrasy of mine or not but I find it very extremely hard not to use interjections like "hmm" or "oh" or "well" at the start of my sentences.

Otherwise showing emotion online is just so difficult. Big jump but do you ever feel like your personality is a fabrication, but you can't express yourself naturally either, so you're stuck typing every word over and over until it "fits you well enough?" And tone tags can help but still don't always convey things well or make your sentences sound less, I don't know, rigid and artificial

Is this normal? Because HELP I cannot speak informally at all sometimes. Like I'm forcing emotion onto myself when there's nothing. Is this like a common neurodivergent experience because I may have it to an extreme degree... alas

[purpleprosey]

if the inner workings of my head were a house i think my emotions would be fueled by a backup generator on its last legs

most of the time it runs reliably but every now and then i wake up to discover it’s turned off. and i pull at the cord over and over trying to get any spark of FEELING to ignite. for my monologue to actually awaken instead of me just breathing and sitting and observing but not processing. like a house standing without power

rarely it can work, when after reading my favorite fics and reminding myself that i exist, that i should exist, the lights come back on again.

but most of the time it doesn’t and then for the whole day I’m left wondering whether I was only masquerading as a human who can think and that I am really. Nothing. A container of emptiness. The taste of food, the color of the sky, the friends I love, the fiction that captivates me for hours on end all feel like they’re from the memories of a complete stranger. they're hard to focus on, to remember even. i could hear the best or worst news of my life and i could say anything but i’d really be thinking “oh ok” and move on. and after hours of scrolling and forcing myself to think and staring at the water of the shower as it runs past my knees and day turns to night I give up on feeling.

then i have to resign myself into it, thinking that i’ve lost myself and my individuality forever and ever. maybe things will never come back. and i miss it—but at the same time I’m incapable of missing the connections, because do i know them? did I ever?

And the next day I wake up and the flames of the generator begin to flicker, to dance, again and i wonder how i ever lost them in the first place. but every time this repeats i fear that one day

one day i’ll wake up with the generator finally broken and the person inside me dead.

[purpleprosey]

computer phone technology whatever I BEG you stop autocorrecting the word 'reblogging' to reflagging or refunding or literally anything but the word I want...

Is it not a literal word in the dictionary why is this so profoundly unfamiliar to you. Oh dear phone you are not ready for Tumblr at all if you cannot handle such a simple word

literally right now just look at this screenshot-ception.

it's a travesty. my autocorrect deems this place wretched and i won't let it

[purpleprosey]

I love how 95% of this blog is me happily reblogging my favorite fandoms and blorbos

and the remaining 5% is introspective ramblings on mental health

ah... the duality of tumblr

[purpleprosey]

I think this applies to my online self too. Not as much as with my characters but I am way less expressive and eloquent in real life compared to when I can type things out, fictional writing or not

In real life I don’t think you’d guess I use Tumblr not in the slightest. But here all of my invisible thoughts just escape and flow like a waterfall

Do you ever feel like your characters have more... depth than you do as an actual real human being? More meaning?

It's funny that as a writer, I like making characters with so many vast perspectives and so many emotions, and then in real life I'm... this awkward person who eats and sleeps and goes to school and doesn't contribute much. Seriously I don't have a single thought in my head. When someone asks me to explain something I'm so scatterbrained and can't really put it into words well

But as soon as I force myself to write, boom, there's so many ideas out there that I didn't even know I could understand. That I didn't know was even POSSIBLE for me to comprehend. My characters can wax poetic for paragraphs about the nature of suffering or anarchy or their trauma while in real life if someone asked me about any of those things I'd go "eh I don't know I'm not that thoughtful of a person." In real life I'm bad with expressing words and thoughts, and online I'm bad with expressing emotion.

But my characters aren't.

It's fun for me to visualize that they're spirits in the air being channeled through my body, possessing me through every single letter on the page. Spirits summoned forth in fleeting moments of inspiration before I go back to scrolling through my phone and doing nothing. Characters that have more capacity for thought and feeling than I ever will, because they aren't me.

...Except that they are. Of course. Maybe they're untapped little parts of my voice, yearning to be let out... I don't know. Probably. But it's why I like writing, because I get to feel like different people for a while and it's really, really freeing.