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spring-lxcked · 10 months

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Happy pride, the serial killer in the rabbit suit is queer. In all seriousness, I said I was going to write this headcanon awhile ago but I'm just getting around to it. Also: reminder that pansexual is an older term than people often think. Still, William usually defaults to "queer" on the occasion he's openly talking about his orientation.

William realized he was queer/pansexual when he was 15. It's the usual story: he developed an undeniable crush on a boy at school, but didn't pursue it. Obviously, he had grown up in a very unaccepting time and this wasn't something he was open about. His own feelings about it were initially mixed (a result of being raised in such a homophobic society), but by the time he left for university in America, he was neutral on his own queerness. It was simply a fact about himself. In university he explored his sexuality thoroughly regardless of gender, both casually and in very brief relationships. While he still obviously kept his orientation private from most people, he did find some other members of the community he could talk to openly. Finding out that William was queer in university wouldn't have been that hard, but afterward he starts being much, much more careful. Without getting into it, I think we all know that he couldn't afford to be outed with the type of business he was wanting to open. He (happily) marries and feels content that there's no way his orientation comes out. He does not and will not tell his wife about his queerness by default. Then the divorce happens, he's left with custody of three young kids, and dating just isn't his priority, regardless of gender. Still, William absolutely would take the risk of dating a man and even disclosing this to his kids (if they're old enough to keep quiet about it) if he really, really liked someone and intended the relationship to be lifelong. William generally doesn't care if his kids are queer, but his borderline obsession with keeping them safe (especially post-CC's death) can rear its head if they are openly queer. This is absolutely the part where he drops the bombshell of also being queer (if they don't already know) as a way to prove he has a "fair argument" about safety/homophobia. You might expect his reservation to be about the "optics" of him having a queer kid, but by this point (assuming his kid is coming out as a teen), he is actively caring less and less about that. NOTE: In verses where William is lowkey obsessed with head over heels for Henry (which, lbr, can be pretty much from university onwards lmao), he is seemingly much more likely to hint at his orientation, although this is only around Henry. Of course, he's more likely to open up about it/flirt if he thinks the feelings are mutual OR if Henry's queer as well (and Will knows). He also just generally talks about Henry in a way that is. . . potentially telling. Still, he'll claim this is just admiration, which is half true.

#˖ ✧ headcanon » ( the demon to his demons )#homophobia mention tw #not getting huge huge huge into queer history even tho i'm very familar with it #but obviously william lived/is living through some very very difficult times and i don't ignore that #but that's for a much heavier post. some of which is still painfully relevant to a lot of us today. so y'know.#keeping it fairly light here aside from the whole. having to be in the closet aspect #anyway brb gotta add a verse where everything is the same except will is heart-eyes at henry #which in my heart is canon but FKHDFSAJDK i don't default ship on my blogs. don't wanna make ppl uncomfortable.#(but the verse isn't just open to henrys. i want him to get bullied for being so obv '<3' abt henry)#(i mean y'know prior to him losing his fucking mind with paranoia)#ended up posting those above tags alone but fkdhsfjdsak #—— ✧ queue »

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shxwmaster · 1 year

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Pathonia Shaw's death was one of the best things to happen to Mathias.

That's not an easy thing for him to say, however.

( cw: parental death, emotional abuse )

Mathias is keenly aware of the damage Pathonia did to him. He was four years old when his mother died on the field and Pathonia took him in, vowing to raise him up to be a better assassin than Charlene was; training started early. As a kid, it took the guise of high enrichment obstacle courses, training his dexterity and teaching him to run, climb, etc., eventually those courses becoming more complex, timed, and bigger until he outgrew them completely. He was made a Fourth Finger Assassin at age 10, and with Pathonia having a heavy hand in his upbringing and life decisions, ended up with more experience in the field than the average agent and assassin.

For nearly 40 years, Pathonia held an iron grip on his life. She controlled everything about him. His diet, his activities, his hobbies, the people he socialized with, everything she could get her hands on. Mathias in his teen years made an effort to run away, only to be brought right back to witness the loss of the First War. She spent every second meticulously breaking him down, taking apart all of his ideals, thoughts and feelings and bending them to the shape of the perfect assassin. He was lucky that, when together with Edwin and raising Vanessa, that she couldn't sink her talons into them.

( though, she would, however, later twist his failings with his family, weaponizing it against him and making him believe he was responsible for everything that followed the VanCleefs, neglecting his emotional breakdowns and refocusing him to work and work only )

By age 30, she promoted him to Spymaster in what was essentially a coronation. The King of Secrets, the Blade of Stormwind, this was passed to him. Now, he had some control, he didn't have to answer to her for missions, and hundreds of the eyes of their kingdom now looked to him for leadership and guidance. Twenty-six years he had been trained to lead them. By now, he has fully bought the vision that Pathonia sold him: This is his destiny, this is what he was bred for, this is what it was all for.

( But really, it wasn't just the pact Pathonia made in her youth that signed him to this life. It was his mother, her sacrifice, her failure, her legacy that he’s here, that he’s become who he is. Everything he did was to avenge her, and everything he’s become is in honor of what she never had the chance to become. His only regret was he had nothing to offer to continue the cycle. )

Well, that regret doesn't last long, though.

As time went on, and Mathias got older, he slowly started to become more aware of where he'd ended up in life, and how much he'd let Pathonia dictate his life. When she started getting progressively ill, and showed no sign of getting better, he began reflecting on their lives, and everything he knew about her. All his life, she'd been this beacon of strength and perseverance, an unstoppable force, clever and cunning, always quick on her feet and agile despite her age. She had built the Assassin's Guild and the SI:7 from the ground up, she had created a masterpiece and welcomed Mathias into that life. Then, she couldn't stand on her own without help. Her hands and joints hurt, she got slower and slower, she started needing assistance with things she would have never asked for before. Watching her start to age and decay like that... it wasn't easy.

Once she finally passed ( not before finally parting her full, honest life story to him on her deathbed ), Mathias felt... hollow. At the end of the day, she was the only family he knew. He never knew his father, she never revealed who his grandfather was, and his mother had died before he could really formulate solid memories. He mourned her, because of course he did — she raised him, she protected him, she gave him shelter, she rescued him any time he was in danger, and she did, in her own twisted way, love him dearly. After all, all the effort she went through to rigorously train him was out of fear of losing him like she lost her own daughter; they were each other's only family. It was them against the world.

But she was a monster, one the Alliance is lucky to have had on their side, just tamed enough to be on the "right" side. He loved her, but he hated her. Everything she put him through, everything she made him do, everything she stripped from him — it took him YEARS to even BEGIN undoing the damage Pathonia did to him. There are years he can never get back, an entire lifetime he can never get back. His life is stuck here now, he can never undo it all. The training will always be with him, his hands forever stained in blood, and there is no room for him to be anything else but Spymaster Shaw.

And he hates, oh, he hates that he NEVER got to tell her to her face that he hated her. Oh, he never had the guts to really stand up to her. How can you blame him? She was everything, she inserted herself into his daily life, she was a constant in his life, always there, always at the ready, invited or uninvited. She kept him alive. She ruined his life. She taught him how to survive. He wouldn't have to fight if it weren't for her. She showed him the ways of an assassin. He never wanted to be one. She made him one of the most deadliest rogues on Azeroth. He will never live a normal life.

Every day, he wishes he would have just gotten the guts to scream at her, to tell her how much he resented her, to lay out everything she had done to him in front of her and force her to face it, to say something, to just fucking say something, but he never got to. He will never have that closure.

As every day passes and he learns more of her post-mortem, that wish gets stronger. On particularly terrible days, if he's wallowed in enough self-pity to drink, he's at her memorial, or he's talking to her ashes, cursing her, cursing her, saying everything he wish he could have, knowing it will never reach her, knowing that it's too late to say any of it.

( When he learned that the VanCleefs had survived and had joined the Horde, oh, he screamed at her grave. He had mourned them, he thought he had lost everything, lost his family, he thought they had died, and that it was his fault. He could've done more, he should have done more. He bore the weight of that for years; it was painful enough to separate from his life partner, but to believe that he and the SI:7 had killed them, when truthfully, they were out there, and he could have been looking for them? That Pathonia lied to him that they were dead? Oh, how he shouted at her remains, screamed his throat raw and wept. At least they lived, at least they lived, but she had spent so, so much time meticulously ensuring that Edwin and Mathias could not live a peaceful life together, it was just another tally in the hundreds of ways she ruined his life. Since that day, her ashes had been tossed somewhere in the Canals, and he has yet to feel any remorse for it. )

He does miss her sometimes. He did love her. But her death set him free, and he's only now learning how to escape the cage and take flight; these wings have been cramped for so long, talons sore from the shackles that had been there for so long. Now, he's taking steps to live. Some more vacation here and there, allowing himself to partake in frivolities, he's changed his appearance to what he likes, he makes a little more time for himself — basic, basic things he never had before. Pathonia will never have an heir, and he is glad for it. Though the SI:7 will eventually need a new leader to succeed him when he passes, he is happy to know that he will break the cycle; there will be no more Shaws after this to take up the mantle, he will not force another to live the life he did. He will never make her mistakes. He will never be her.

He hates her. Even in the grave, she still hurts him. He is sometimes open about his resentment about her, sometimes even referring to her as 'the wicked witch', but he will always owe his life to her. He has her to thank for everything, as well as her to hate for everything.

He won't ever truly be free. It's too late for that now. But at least, with her long gone, he can at least try.

He can finally try.

#profile: intel #si report: meta #si report: headcanon #file: pathonia #the heart still beats after all ; (defias)#preemptive strike ; queue #( once again i am thanking roux for canonizing sooo much of the shaw rpg lore )#( it makes my heart so heavy thinking about the shaws and everything that happened to mathias. he who has never had control over his life )#( and only now in his late 40s/early 50s does he finally. FINALLY. start to realize the damage )#( that it feels like it's all too late to undo. but that it's still worth trying. by god it is still worth trying. )#( even with how much i wrote here i don't think i can ever truly fully write out just how mathias feels about her exactly )#( because he will talk her up he will say she is the greatest rogue to ever live. and that he resents her and will never forgive her )#( he looks at his life so objectively and clinically at this point because it's too hard to get emotional. bc if he gets emotional over it #it will destroy him from the inside out just trying to get the feelings out. so he has to lock it. he has to suppress it )#( the best thing he can do is just try to live while he still can. and part of that means understanding he will never forgive her )#( nor does he have to. )

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