#rambling about my degree....who would've thought

[poisonedfate]

Ooh an ask game-- tell me a story about you/your day? Whatever you'd like to share.

-Ash

hi lovely!

my day has been quite uneventful - just a bunch of gif making and exam-prep avoidance, so we'll go with something a little more overall.

i don't know if this counts as fun or a story, but all that's in my head right now is what we've talked about in class recently. a favourite of mine was discussing common myths in media, such as - we only use 10% of our brains or better learning is based on preferred learning styles or hemispheric dominance can be used as an explanation for differences amongst learners.

don't know if it as fun of a fact to others as it is to me, but hey! i hope it's at least a little interesting

ask me stuff

[nexus-my-beloved]

Alright, welcome to my ramble about why Five/Lila in s4 makes absolute complete sense and why everyone tearing it down and making derogatory remarks make me ridiculously angry when they refuse to really think about it.

UMBRELLA ACADEMY S4 SPOILERS !

One of the biggest things I'm seeing people do/say about season 4 is that adding a love interest for Five ruined it or that Five "wouldn't do that" and that it was extremely out of character. At a glance, yes, that can make sense, but if you stop to think about it for five seconds longer than it becomes increasingly apparent that it MAKES SENSE.

Another thing people keep complaining about it the fact that Five was being a homewrecker/Five was being an awful person/etc. What people are doing is they are neglecting to acknowledge the fact that the relationship was as much as Five's persistence as it was Lila's. Lila was not roped into a relationship, she was just as much into it as he was! If you are going to call out Five, remember that you need to call out Lila, too.

Now that my baseline points are out there, let me explain:

When Five was in the apocalypse the first time, he felt completely alone in a barren wasteland. He was isolated, and young, and he wanted to get back to his family to save them. While he waited, though, he grew extremely attached to the first thing he could that gave him any kind of company: Dolores. He cared about her and even loved her, to a degree, proven by how he threatened to shoot Luther in s1 for trying to drop her out a window and by how he kissed the hallucination of a human Dolores when under the influence of Jayme's hallucination venom. Whether the love was real or not, he felt that it was, and it was a result of forced proximity and a lonely person wanting affection ("we only had each other")

When Five ended up trapped in the subway, he was lonely in yet another wasteland with more dangers than before. He felt isolated from the world around him, wanted to get back home to save his family (sound familiar yet?) but this time he was years older. He and Lila spent seven years on that subway, alone, together, and as would happen with forced proximity they got close. (I've heard people argue that they would've had a good sibling dynamic and that the romance ruined it, but the parallels between Lila and Dolores here are kind of obvious, I thought.) Five got attached to Lila, cared about her, and grew to love her (again, whether it was true love or not, that didn't matter when he thought he loved her, at least). In fact, throughout the entire show, Five has never smiled like he did when he was with Lila. He was happy. He did love her.

Often, Five is the one blamed for the relationship (that I have seen; I haven't yet seen ANYONE say Lila was also at fault). The issue is, Lila was the one who was married, the one who had kids, and yet she encouraged the relationship anyway. She didn't think she would get back to Diego, after a while. They were making the best of what they had, and personally, I don't think anything is wrong with the fact they had a relationship while in the subway - neither of them thought they would get home. Lila wasn't intending to cheat, she just didn't think she'd be able to get back to them and wasn't going to spend the rest of her life miserable. Five wasn't intending to play homewrecker, he fell in love and she encouraged it - what was he supposed to do? They were together of their own free wills. I think it's alright that they were together, but if you're going to blame anyone about it, both of them deserve blame because both of them were equal parts into the relationship.

I have heard people say that the stopping to rest was out of character and that it wasn't the same Five who fought 45 years in an apocalypse to get back to his family. That's the thing, though, isn't it? Five has done nothing but work to save his family since he was thirteen years old. 45 years in an apocalypse, a hellish two-ish weeks between saving them from a falling moon, WWIII in the 60s, and trying to get them out of a hotel that was hellbent on killing them. Then, when they get out, no powers, they all go their separate ways and he is no longer right with his family. He spends six years without them, working for the CIA, because working is all he knows how to do now (it's clear he hardly has a life for himself, seeing as everyone else's life was shown but Five had nothing outside of work), and when he gets put in another apocalypse for seven years you all are mad at him for wanting to have a break? For wanting something domestic? At face value, yes, it seems out of character, and it seems slightly selfish compared to his past actions, but when you really think about it IT MAKES SENSE HE'D WANT A BREAK. His life since he was 13 has been dictated by running himself ragged for his family's sake and now he might not be able to get home (similar to how it was in his first apocalypse). He's not at fault for wanting to go somewhere that he can rest. Wanting to have some sense of domesticity with Lila isn't bad.

The entire arc made sense! Five and Lila shared an experience with the commission. Both of them had been subject to The Handler and they could bond over it. Both had been through different apocalypses/problems (Hotel Oblivion, Lila was there in the sixties, they were now in the subway together) together, and both knew what it was like to get irritated by a crazy family (both, consequently, being subject to the Hargreeves). Sure, they fought in the past, and in past seasons their relationship would have never worked, but in that subway? In the subway it made sense. In fact, the show could have gone well either with or without their relationship, but adding in the relationship added to the watcher feeling the same level of defeat as Five did at the end. Losing everything, now having to lose his life, it gives the watcher empathy after watching the breakup.

Truly, I haven't seen anyone say that Five deserved sympathy for the breakup. He did deserve it, though: he was made to fall in love with Lila, and then the moment she found out they could go home, she was running off to leave like she was ready to ignore that they ever happened. He had been in love with her, made her gifts, called her "love", said that he "aimed to please" as he tried to make her happy, held her so gently when he'd kiss her because he was sweet and tender and this was the first real love he'd gotten to have, and he wanted to do it right. Then, the moment he told her she could go home, she was ready to leave, and she looked him in the eyes and said that "it was survival", practically throwing his heart to the ground and shattering it. They'd spent seven years together and he'd grown to love her and she made it seem like she was just biding her time and never truly loved him in the first place. Imagine how he must have felt? And yet he still loved her anyway. He'd known that she had been annoyed with Diego sometimes, and because he was in love and upset after getting his heart broken it made SENSE that he'd be bitchy towards Diego. Yes, she was Diego's wife, but Five was in love with her, and he was jealous that after everything they went through Diego still got to have her. He fought Diego to get out that frustration, even if (in my heart of heart's) it wasn't really frustration at Diego, but instead just generalized feelings of hurt. He dealt with it the way he dealt with things in the past: he fought. Five was forced to be a fighter, and it was the end of the world, it's not like he'd allow himself to cry. If anything, Five fighting Diego was the MOST in character thing they could've done after that, and yet people are upset at him for fighting his brother! That final "it's over, Five" that Lila said after breaking up the fight broke his heart, you could see that, in both his face and the way he blipped to the subway, ready to leave. He was heartbroken, there didn't seem to be a way to end this apocalypse, and again, Five wanted to rest. He loved her, she hurt him, and yet he STILL held her when she broke down after sending her family and the kids away on the train. He was strong, but you could tell he was hurting.

Their relationship wouldn't have worked anywhere besides the subway but it happening there made perfect sense, it made for a good feeling of Five experiencing defeat and the idea that he could never truly be loved, by family or otherwise. (Dolores couldn't reciprocate, Lila tossed him aside the second she could go home, Reginald surely was no father figure and there's no doubt he likely didn't see Grace as much of a mother, his siblings were always upset with him for some reason or other even if he was just trying to save them and out of this whole time, I believe he's only ever been called a good brother twice. He only got told that twice after his years of suffering for his family's sake.)

So, in conclusion, the Five/Lila arc made sense, it fit well with the story, there were good implications if you bother to think about them, Lila was just as much at fault as Five, Five was NOT super out of character for being a man just wanting a break (he even said it himself, it was a break, not giving up), and I'm so sick of hearing people just talk shit about them. Thank you for coming to my ramble, if you were a hater before, I hope I changed your mind, and to everyone that agrees with me thank you.

[lvjyronline]

I don't know if you meant to send this on anon or not, but it wasn't on anon - So I figured I would go ahead and screen shot it instead of posting it with a link to your blog!

Anyway -

I don't necesarily think you're spouting bull, it could be an option that that's what happened, but I personally don't think that's exactly what happened. While mass hysteria is an occurance and could happen in a situation like this - Especially with big creators who can say anything - I don't think that's the case here.

I think that some of these things have been taken out of context - For example, the Billzo situation, to my knowledge, came partly from a point where Bill had handcuffed Wilbur and was joking(?) about throwing out the keys - Or something along those lines, getting the keys out of his reach etc, I'm not too clear on the exact details - Which ended up with Wilbur yelling at him - Which is a fair response to being told the keys to unlock the things that are binding you are going to be thrown from you.

I also think that things may have been taken out of context from their persepctives when Shelby came out with the alligations - Let me explain what I mean by that, because I know that statement alone is kind of confusing.

When a person says someone did something terrible to them, with or without proof, it may make the accused friends, or people who have been around them, look at what happened in the past and reconsider it. That's pretty normal - But I think with such big alligations of abuse it could skew the ideas or feelings that someone had about something.

Since these alligations are so heavy, it could've very well made them look at something that wasn't at all with malicious intent and make them believe that, because Shelby said he did all these things to her and he was doing them on purpose and to hurt her, that he was also doing similar things to them with the intent to hurt them, when in reality it wasn't like that at all.

It's less hysteria and more thoughts by proxy - If that phrasing makes sense. I think it's kind of similar to what you originally thought, but I wouldn't really describe that as hysteria?

I just think it's more of reconsidering things that happened to them with someone elses persepctive in mind and coming to a conclusion because she said it was abuse.

I have no idea if any of this is actually comprehensible, I'm gonna be honest - But I hope it is?? I hope I'm making sense?? I make sense in my own brain but that doesn't mean it makes sense to anyone else lol so I can try to explain better if need be.

What really sends the idea that it didn't happen to the curb is the fact that some people closer to Wilbur said they didn't see it happen - Hell, no one has actually confirmed they saw it happen.

Specifially noting how Jack Manifold literally said he never saw it happen, which brings up suspect considering during that road trip video (meat mountain) they were all together and that would line up with when Shelby and Wilbur were in a relationship - So assumibly the biting would have been going on then and he would've seen it.

I'm sorry this turned into a mini-essay-rant type thing- I didn't mean it to, I'm just trying to get out my thoughts. I know it's kinda long lol

But generally, I think that idea is probably a degree of what happened, I just wouldn't consider that mass hysteria. I know that peoples perceptions of experiances can be changed in specific contexts, and I do think that's what happened to a degree. I'm gonna go ahead and end this so I don't keep repeating myself, haha

Anyway, have a great day/night, and remember to stay safe out there right now, especially since ILGWIS just came out which means more people will be bickering.

(If you need me to explain any of this more/better just ask, I know sometimes when I ramble things off they only make sense to me, so I won't take any offence to my rambling not being fully understood.)

[tildeathiwillwrite]

Tag Game: OC Questionnaire (Round 2!)

Thank you to @willtheweaver for the tag!

My questions:

1. Did you have any formal education? If so, what was it like?

2. What is your stance on friends and friendship?

3. How would you describe your relationship with your family?

Gently tagging @fourwingedwriter @writingphoenix @phoenixradiant @illarian-rambling @chronicallydragons @theeccentricraven @thethistlegirl @catwingsathena and open tag!

Your questions:

1. If you had to fight a member of the Fellowship of the Ring (Frodo, Sam, Merry, Pippin, Boromir, Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli), who would you pick? (assume they know what the Fellowship is)

2. Would you win?

3. If you were stranded on a deserted island and could only bring one object, what could it be?

---

Representatives from all my posted WIPs will be answering today.

Did you have any formal education? If so, what was it like?

Jas (The Legend of Orian Goldeneye): Yeah, it was pretty standard for the United States. Graduated high school, went to college, got a STEM degree. The whole dreamshaper slash Jumper thing defies a lot of the stuff I know, but a physics background can be surprisingly useful. Ollie (Forsaken: The Doomed City): Not really. I know a lot of 'basic' things, but it was all stuff I read in books. Hiel (Trials of the Six): Well, I'm fluent in two languages, so I had to learn that somewhere, right? Pretty sure there aren't any schools for Mages in the Permafrost, so that would've been self-taught. Luc (Tales from Valaria): Graduated from the school system in Caenum, then studied to become a Watcher under my uncle, where I learned a lot about legal loopholes. And fighting, I suppose.

What is your stance on friends and friendship?

Jas: Would kill for them. End of story. If you want to hurt them, you're going to have to go through me, and you ain't surviving that encounter, buddy. Even if I haven't known them all that long. Ollie: I love my friends to pieces and would never abandon them but... *side-eyes the rest of their group* Any day we've all made it through without dying is a good day. Hiel: It's... interesting... to say the least. I had to get to know everyone all over again, and that certainly effected the group. But they helped me, and I feel obligated to do the same. Luc: That's an interesting question. An interesting question indeed.

How would you describe your relationship with your family?

Jas: Well, it's good enough that I'm sure my parents have noticed I'm gone. Dunno if they'd believe me about the whole dreamshaper slash Jumper shit. Ollie: I have... had... an older sister who taught me everything I know. Now Rowan, Sam and Victoria are my family. Hiel: *shrugs* Luc: I honestly don't know how my mother let my uncle mentor me to become a Watcher. We both thought she was going to murder him after I almost died. She discouraged my little siblings from following in my footsteps, that's for sure.

[windupaidoneus]

hi thistle ! idr if youve talked abt it before but what were ur ideas for hildemet post endwalker ? i remember u posted abt meteion and them after endwalker but i wanted to learn more abt ur thoughts or how the ship develops ! idk if this makes sense i hope it does LOL (@dmclr)

hiii clara :3 ohhh post endwalker. (lies down face first) this one's a real doozy bc i have yet to properly work out the timeline of events... there are two ways it could go & i dont know which i prefer. oh under the cut as per usual. this is actually probably my longest ramble yet LMAO

either hildegarde really did go through with bringing emet back with his own two hands (& aether. & magic. but like it's intentional is what i mean) or emet chose to have another pass at life bc the time spent during post shb/edw up until elpis gave him that want again, & his soul would've held on until a suitable vessel was nearby (so like, very likely one of the solus clones bc he'd rather not go for possession if he can help it lmao). fuck i also thought of the possibility of like... just it happening without either of their direct involvement, maybe something that kinda just happened because of emet's longing but not in the way that he would've actively orchestrated his return so to speak - his soul just doing that i suppose.? because of the power of love sparkle sparkle or something. they all have something good... um.. i started typing before opening the game i think but then i opened the game & now it's like 12 hours later & my head hurts BADDD but i want to answer this.

in the case of hildegarde intentionally bringing him back is. it being intentional is very yummies & good to me. in the sense of defying fate itself & whatnot to bring a loved one back. i am a lameeeee romantic so that shit always gets me..... but at the same time there is a part of me that like, thinks maybe at that point in time it wouldn't be narratively satisfying? since he has messed around with necromancy before then gave up on it it coulddd be interesting to ahve him go back to it bc like he's still a flawed character who does questionable things & all that but this one idk if i want it to be the case all that much. i like when he gets a little fucked up but i dont know about this specific flavour of fucked up... but i DO want emet alive for dt. so much to consider.

for emet willingly coming back... i mean. points at "i am a lameeeee romantic". additionally i think it brings something interesting into play - because the way i see it his death was intentional to start with, the only possible end for someone who had done so much to reach his goal & thus backing down would mean it was all for nothing yet at the same time the awareness all those things he's done were awful, unconscionable, & no amount of work he could've done in the hypothetical rest of his existence would make up for it, in which case death becomes the only suitable consequence for his actions. (there's also a layer of "emet is putting on a performance as a tragic antagonist & is aware of his role within the story to a degree, as he is playing a role of his own volition, making himself more detestable yet likable at the same time in very intentional ways". not all of his endearing traits in shb are intentional but some are, & them being intentional doesn't make them less... genuine? he pulls at the wol's heartstrings or attempts to, but that doesn't make his own longing for the unsundered world any less real, basically. but this isn't relevant right now)

with that in mind if emet were to bring himself back to life fully... well. it would say quite a lot about.. him. as a whole. just. choosing to live once more to be by hildegarde's side, going against his own previous implicit wish for death (which, beyond the whole guilt thing, he probably would've wanted anyway! he'd been alive so fucking long & all of it had been miserable! death was both something he deserved & deliverance.), tearing himself from something that was punishment & relief to trade it for a different kind of punishment & a different kind of relief. living with the things he's done as opposed to being able to just dissolve into the aetherial sea & no longer worry about it all i suppose, but being reunited on more proper, less high stakes & "we have to kill each other" terms with.. pretty much his soulmate. i'm not big on soulmate stuff necessarily but um (gestures at the entirety of the whole thing with emet & azem/the wol in canon) they make it so easy.

oh fuck i got distracted from finishing my custom deliveries before reset oops. well anyway i'm TALKING!

yeah that. he would get to be with one of his biggest motivations for doing all of this in the first place, & while the source is not a perfect world i do genuinely believe he is lying hard as fuck when he pretends he finds no beauty in it. the harsher he says it the more convincing the performance, for everyone & for himself. end of edw cutscene to me says that he does have an actual appreciation for the sundered etheirys, & i also think without zodiark's influence he would be more amenable to properly acknowledging the flaws of the unsundered world as well. now. would he think he deserves to have a happier "second chance"? probably not. but that's where hildegarde's feelings would sway him... how could he not be influenced knowing the one he loves is grieving him so desperately? hilde has lost many, many loved ones & never really learnt to properly deal with his grief because it's just too overwhelming for him to feel. he continuously drowns in it & that'ssss something he has in common with emet for sure. & emet, knowing how horrible it feels (though in his case it was probably worse. still, he's sentimental & also a tank so i know he's got that protectiveness in him ☝️), would likely want to spare hilde that trouble if even a little. he can't bring himself to bring other souls back to life (too similar to what he did with amaurot, probably something he'd like to take some distances from & not recreate too closely...) but he could at least bring himself back. make hilde smile. that would be nice.

now enter the "neither of them did anything about it it just Happened" path. this one is really just reliant on it feeling like an actual miracle. something that would probably bring emet some distress bc oh no he has to deal with all these things now & it's not on his own terms, buuuuuut... miracle of love 🫶 even if to be fair things would definitely be awkward at first. because they wouldn't really know how to approach each other after everything. they would work it out though, it's not unique to this potential timeline of events & they Will work it out no matter what. they have to! it'd be a miracle of love 🫶 all the same. ohh, maybe something kinda like sleeping beauty or something (loose comparison.) in which during the bit in garlemald in post edw hilde would look for the remaining solus clones in the imperial palace (not for any nefarious purposes if we're not looking at the "he does it himself" timeline it's probably just morbid curiosity at that point. also masochism a little honestly) & when chancing upon them emet's like... his soul would always be "near" hilde in some sort of sense, so maybe it could be made to inhabit one of the clones - kind of pulled into it? & yeah. bam. wakes up upon being observed. i don't know! it's an option. they're all options & they're GOOD & i haven't picked one & i don't know what to pick rahhhg. kicks a rock. Whatever... onto the actual answer to the ask now... (wipes forehead) this took a lot of .. preamble? not sure what i'd call that but the yapping before the ACTUALLY relevant yapping

the way they develop (chews on rocks) YAYYYY!! we got there!!! ohhh my god it's so AWKWARD in this room everyone is happy but wants to cry & feels guilty it's kind of beautiful.

emet keeps some reasonable distance & is actually decent at doing it this time since he's not tempered & not trying to get something out of hildegarde. came back for him but does not want to overstep by getting too comfortable too soon. hildegarde on the other hand really badly wants to have conversations & to be more open & vulnerable but he does not know how to even do that voluntarily. with anyone! he's really bad at being vulnerable! he's been able to do it "properly" with nero & cid (nero has big brother privileges so he's the one hilde & various other alters will run to if they are experiencing Too Much of life, & well. cid is cid. kind of cemented himself as an older sibling figure as well, even without taking into account the doozy that is cidnero) & perhaps surprisingly estinien (very detached & to the point, clear cut way of going about things, not judgemental the way others might be because he's not really giving a fuck abt that ascian business. his meatheadedness wins ☝️) but even then it was mostly him reaching a breaking point & having no one else to pretty much drop it all on.

the scions are great but busy all the time & while urianger probably would be best placed to hear of his troubles hilde rarely wants to tell him much of them because urianger's own problems always seem to far outweigh his own, & he doesn't want to put more on his plate. he's close to thancred but thancred would be the least understanding of his woes... & i think he really struggles with approaching y'shtola bc she hasn't exactly been vulnerable with him either. sucks bc he can tell she would probably be a fine person to be straightforward with but just... hasn't come up. he can be vulnerable with aymeric but aymeric is constantly busy & i do strongly believe if he hadn't been so occupied w his desk job they could've had something. he could be vulnerable with haurchefant but WELL. & the scions not mentioned are all younger than him so no way in hell he's relying on them emotionally when for someone as #unwell as him "relying emotionally" comes with SO SO MUCH shit.

i did ignore hancock & that's because i don't like him. (lying) no he can be vulnerable with hancock too on occasion. hancock is detached from this whole world so to be honest i don't think he gives that much of a fuck that hilde is mourning the loss of an evil immortal guy who was also the garlean empire's founder. on a moral level this has got nothing to do with him on an emotional level he's not sure when they ended up getting close enough for hilde to sob in his office about how he can't do anything right & so many people he could've saved he just didn't manage to & it's all his fault blablablah... but sure he'll do the comforting

but but, back to hildemet. it does happen eventually. hilde's not good at being vulnerable on purpose but he's also pretty earnest despite that... so without necessarily overwhelming emet with his emotions & thoughts he is at least capable of going, "hey. i want to talk. have conversations, about anything and everything. about the weather, about everything that happened. i am happy to come home and see you, and to know that i will come home and see you, but there is a gaping pit between us & i want to bridge it. i want to stand on that bridge with you & talk about the pit, how scary it is, & how we're going to overcome it anyway. can we do that? can i step closer to you, & will you return the embrace if i hold you?" which, he will, & he does. & maybe they even have a shared cry about it. emotions really catching up to them in the moment, not realising the extent to which they'd missed & love each other up until they get to really embrace each other fully. i know songs do this to me a lot i'll think i'm fine then suddenly BOOM i'm crying hard as fuck because holy shittt why didn't i tell myself this made me feel THINGS... horrible!

note that no matter the choice made earlier it's more than likely hilde did hold emet when they first reunited, in which case emet would've at most placed one hand on hilde's back without it being an actual hug. he's not really the "outburst of physical affection" type but especially not under such circumstances while he's Just returned & is parsing where he stands on what joys he deserves to experience in his newfound existence. because of course there's that too. he'll indulge if hilde reaches out for it but for a while it is only half-hearted & the guilt eats at him more everytime he leans into it, which fortunately isn't often by that point since hilde is working out how to go about everything. yay!! not very yay okay you got me

BUT THEY WORK ON IT they have to. the weird distance is unbearable & neither of them want it. they understand they now have a chance at this for real, & they have limited time to do it! emet does not have much of a limited lifespan still but he knows he's turning in the moment hilde dies. maybe he'll stay long enough to ensure hilde is remembered & honoured as he feels it should be but like that's It. hilde's gone he's GONE. & until then they get to learn to love each other all over again

which goes pretty great all things considered once the early stages of weird awkwardness are behind them. it would be easier & go faster if they were allowed to settle down properly but you know how it is when you're The WoL. hilde's wol duties can actually be a bit of a cause for concern for emet, which he himself was caught offguard by. probably chastised himself about it a bit too. being worried for the wol?? ridiculous. he's not capable of dying from unnatural consequences it's like he's got plot armor or something (looks into the camera). gets a bit embarrassed about his worries but they don't really go away, & it does lead into him attempting to keep hilde home more often & longer. hilde doesn't really catch onto it until it becomes a little too egregious to ignore but well. when emet expresses reluctantly that ooooo he cares & is worried about him & also a little bit lonely too it actually makes hilde laugh. because that man is CUTE 🫵 & he will in fact tell him just that. to which emet gets "offended" (did not expect a compliment of all things out of that, & compliments when he's not "in control" of a situation are the number 1 way to destabilise him in a harmless way. lest we forget he is the unsundered world's original tsundere) & denies & protests. & it's probably the point where they start acting genuinely more relaxed around each other, & subsequently emet gets less roundabout about keeping hilde around as long as possible.

he also gets the offer to tag along! which he doesn't want necessarily, it's a lot of effort & it would mean being around the scions (he doesn't hate them or anything but well if i was emet i would not want to be around thancred either. just like if i was thancred i would not want to be around emet either) who at this point in time are not aware of emet's presence in hilde's life & also more generally the world lmao. the twins, tataru & krile most certainly have bets on why hilde seems less available & perhaps even a bit flaky & while alphinaud is genuinely worried hilde might finally be crushed by the weight of responsibilities :( (buddy that was an expansion ago catch up) alisaie is like. scary close to the truth. she suspects hilde is trying to settle down but duty keeps getting in the way of it. this gets everyone involved very curious to potentially find out who he's settling down with of course because for some reason they're all willing to entertain that theory. tataru simply wishes hilde isn't trying to settle down with hancock of all people (close! It's Worse)

he takes it up from time to time. bearing a different appearance (keeping his face but he probably wears a face cover around the scions & doesn't speak much) & going by a different name to avoid being recognised, y'shtola absolutely works it out the moment she sees him buttttt that's why emet avoids hanging around if he knows she'll be there lmao her aethersight would clock him instantly

um. yeahg! my fingers hurt from typing this much & also that's like many paragraphs already oops. uhh. yep.! post edw hildemet. they have rough conversations about their respective places in the world & what they deserve & don't deserve to have. sometimes hildegarde gets very upsetting memories from lachesis' life & emet has to be there to ground him. sometimes emet is overwhelmed by the thought of his actions & hilde has to be there to distract him since ruminating won't really change anything.

they're also gossipy queens who go out to big fancy events to comment on the people they don't like there (in hilde's case it'd probably usually be lolorito & gegeruju honestly but it's fine emet can be irritated at minimum by most people for the both of them). they have to take care of each other delicately & they don't always get it right but they gotta keep trying so they do.

emet is a complainer by nature but he also complains in bad faith a lot & is quite unpleasant specifically when he's lying or dancing around the truth, which all remain true to his personality still, however when he allows himself to be entirely truthful & more open he is painfully romantic & loving. not without teasing here & there of course. it's very good for hilde though. getting to be flustered & giggly & just happy after the everything is such a breath of fresh air, very good distraction from the wol shit. he even gets to tease emet back & have it work! love can be so beautiful & augh! they make me sick

emet did not expect the many people hilde's adopted in a found family sense however. he does think he was a little foolish for not expecting it bc. lachesis. wanderer. the guy who makes friends everywhere all the time. but also how was he supposed to expect so many kids were out there calling hilde their big brother or sometimes even "like a dad"..... he's just pickin everybody up off the street at this point & emet's getting a little concerned about the amount of kids he's going to become a bad influence to just by following hilde around. lmao. & ofc the kids love him bc kids fucking love it when there's a guy who's kind of an ass

i keep saying "okay i stop typing there" & then i keep typing SORRY AHHH. i'm not even out of thoughts i just need to end the post somewhere sobs. i really need to sleep 😭 thank yoy so much for the askkkk wah

[nozunhinged]

I kind of forgot tumblr is literally my brain-vomit site and I've been brooding over these thoughts since I switched from manga/webtoons to TV shows which is a little over a year now. This is not about any show specifically, this is just me while scrolling through any BL story synopsis.

I'm not gonna claim or act like I researched this or used some form of degree knowledge to write this down, this is just me rambling based on what I remember.

Alrighty. The good old term Yaoi.

Once used to describe a plotless manga genre to live out the creative freedom that was limited by classic Japanese storytelling structures and today used as a mocking term for outdated tropes in the BL genre — by me mainly. Because for me it's the perfect word for stale, overused tropes that imho can just leave. As to why, we need a little historic context.

First of all, the Yaoi genre wasn't even intended for the telling of queer stories. It is literally a portmanteau of "no climax, no point, no meaning". The main content of those stories was sex and it was men who fucked. Why? No clue. And also — contrary to bara, the nsfw manga genre for "real gay men" — the main audience turned out to be heterosexual women. Why? Also no clue. Doesn't matter because what's important (TO ME) is what happened after.

Tried and tested literacy around Yaoi developed after the genre grew in popularity and it turned out that most of the audience liked their men toxic, harassing and violent. So of course the literary structure would develop to cater to those characteristics. They would sell. But we're definitely not where we were 20 years ago, especially not the queer community.

Also, what I hated the most, there was always, always some kind of excuse needed as to why the protagonists needed to fuck 1. a lot 2. and nasty. And the EASIEST way out was always some form of toxic assholery. A person (nevertheless a couple) simply being horny because they — 😱 — just liked fucking? Nah, that was just for the straights. I absolutely hated that and still do.

And while we have Yaoi A LOT (if not everything) to thank for we have today in terms of queer asian media, I feel like just because it is historically relevant, sticking to it gives boomer energy. The genre flourished so beautifully in the last decade that I feel that it's almost a disgrace to stick to the old ways.

Back then (until today) the criticism and backlash regarding the rise of Yaoi was HUGE, especially within the (japanese) queer community that Yaoi Manga have nothing to do with real life, queer experiences. Until today there's a massive issue with women fetishizing gay men. And I feel like we keep forgetting that part.

Even the term "Boys Love" was coined to move away from its worsening image. And thanks to who? The Gays™️ of course.

Because the core audience of Yaoi may have been het women including all the issues that came with it, but also a lot of young queers found a safe space in this genre. (Including meeee)

They started making their own stories. The vast landscape of queer stories we have today, especially in BL, is thanks to them slowly but surely finding their voices. And I adored watching that development. I personally loved the emotional explorations in shounen ai as well as the nasty fucking in Yaoi, but they rarely overlapped back then. Today, there is literally everything you can choose from, be it gay vampires, gay salarymen, gay princesses and my personal favorite, gay autistics (who would've guessed 🙄). And I love it here sooooo much.

So yes, it may be seem all cool and smart to be well-versed in a tried and tested genre and make use of certain literary structures that developed with it, but the criticsm of it all should not be forgotten. And why the genre was renamed into "BL" in the first place. Replicating toxic tropes without reflecting on it just feels lazy to me and doesn't match our current times. There are a million ways to make toxic tropes work without feeding off of outdated power imbalances.

My favorite example for this is VegasPete. These two were the whole textbook of toxic, from stockholm syndrome to psychological warfare to dramatic apologies to even trying to end their lives. But the storytelling made it work. They were equally insane, complimenting each others crazy while being toxic AF. Even KinnPorsche were toxic on so many levels but it was great. Hell even KimPorchay had their own little version of toxicity and it was perfect.

We got from "no plot" to shows like these and I think that is fucking awesome. So why stick to the old stuff?

And by that I don't mean you shouldn't like or enjoy Yaoi-tropey shows/novels, enjoy whatever the fuck you want who am I to tell anyone that. I mean at the end of the day we're all just here because we fucking love watching the queers eat each others faces, aren't we.

But wanting to move on and have other, different stories without the assholery we have to deal with on a daily basis by real life humans is my way to go and I will forever defend that. I actually like the wholesome polished stuff Thailand makes. And everything else too. The more range, the better!

So please just let the queers do whatever they want on screen without inventing the dumbest reasons for it! Let them fuck, snuggle, giggle, fight, kill, whatever the heck they want, just because. That's the magic of a flourishing genre. Now make it all gay. Like Pit Babe (by that I mean the car racing part lol). And if you really need to give me a reason as to why someone is horny on main 24/7 (or not), I feel like I can expect a little more brains than just "well he's traumatized so he acts like an asshole with a heart of stone and compensates it with fucking (or not) instead of going to therapy"— no more of that pls. At least for me.

TLDR; I'll forever use the term Yaoi to describe lazy storytelling because we live in an era where you don't need to tell me why you want to fuck nasty and especially not if the reason is that you're an emotionally constipated asshole. And I think that is absolutely amazing.

[drk-brain]

some thoughts on writing, or, "how my favorite fic (of my own) changed my brain chemistry"

Rehashing a little ramble from elsewhere for this, but I have a lot of thoughts and also how can I not link it everywhere I go all the time really?

Mind the rating and CWs in the tags (dubcon, discussion of depression, referenced self-harm) -

So, this fic ruined my life (affectionate). I set out to write a small, contained oneshot* about my wol's past relationship, it got out of hand, etc. But it really really did alter my brain lol

Not just in the form of wolnpc brainrot that grabbed me by the throat and never let go, not only because I set out to write something small and relatively meaningless that turned into something serious, but

It changed my approach to writing romance.

For those of you who don't know me: I spent a while as an acquiring editor for a fairly well known traditional romance publisher, and I am a romance writer, both in fanfic and elsewhere.

Now, within genre boundaries, Obsidian Heart is not a romance. It doesn't have a happy ending. The goal of the story isn't overcoming challenges to be together in the end. (It is effectively part one of a greater story that is genre-typical romance, though.)

Regardless, I will NEVER write explicit content the same as I used to after this. I knew the advice, I knew the rule. I helped other people shape their stories to this rule for years, and I made my living doing it. Explicit scenes in longer content (aka, not "porn without plot," which is absolutely valid and fun but not what I'm going for here) should theoretically all serve to further the plot or character development.

Obviously this isn't a hard and fast rule, and all writing advice should always be taken subjectively and with many grains of salt, but it applies to what I want to do with my writing, and also is something you'll find traditional publishers look for so that had a lasting effect on me.

I have never felt like I succeeded in this rule in my own writing to such a degree as I did with OH. I've done it to the point where yeah things would be conspicuously missing if those scenes were deleted, they aren't just there to be sexy or pass time, but I am immensely proud of the degree to which that is the case in this fic.

There is absolutely zero intent for the explicit scenes in here to be sexy. They are meant exclusively to illustrate characterization and related progression. From "this is an arrangement of cold convenience," to "uh oh feelings," to "these are troubled people for whom 'uh oh feelings' is not enough to overcome the core conflict and make a relationship work."

And I am immensely proud of it. It had the side effect of infecting me with the plague and now I am writing more of them constantly, but really.

The way it all feels so "almost," the promise of things that could have been. The way it makes me (and them) confront the actuality that love alone does not guarantee a happy ending. Love and hope alone do not move mountains, and you can have the best intentions and still hurt the people you care about.

I love it dearly, and I will never approach writing the same again. It taught me a lot and I owe it a lot, and it's very close to my heart as a result.

On a less analytical note, it also just has some of my favorite passages of my own writing, and I really love playing with the "world sucks, nothing matters" sort of tone.

Now, I'm not one to stake value on stats. I find them fascinating but not in a "this affects me emotionally" way. If I were driven by numbers, I never would've committed to this pairing lol. So I'm not fussed about views or kudos or what have you. But I also think it's normal and human to want people to enjoy and engage with things you've created that you care about.

So yeah. It's a lower traffic tag ("rarepair" if you will) and it's plastered in CWs (for a reason!), but it is my favorite of my published writing. It's the thing I wish I could carry around and hand to people and say: if you like my writing, if you like me, if you want to do something for me or read one thing of mine, make it OH.

[kirinda-ondo]

I watched sonic prime

I'm not really sure how I feel about it

Rambling disjointed thoughts below

Like it's well animated and there are some good concepts in there but something just feels... off.

I think it's mostly in the way the characters are handled? Like it just sort of feels like they made sonic into a jerkass to justify the plot, hinging on him learning to be a better friend when like, friendship is already his thing??? Like yes, he can be impulsive and cocky, and a series where he has to cope with the consequences of a reckless decision is interesting, but I don't like it when shows warp characters to fit a moral, instead of building the moral around the characters.

And like even when he is out here trying to be a good friend, circumstances outside of his control make it hard and then everybody gets mad at him for that no matter what he does, and it starts as early as the first episode. It feels like one of those anxiety dreams I have where no matter what I do or how justified I am, the universe tells me I'm wrong.

That said, I do enjoy the relationships between sonic and the new yoke city characters, sonic and nine are really sweet and I know that boy is peobably teetering toward a villain arc but I wanna see good things happen for him. All versions of tails are so valid. And like, on paper, I sort of like that each main character of a shatterverse sort of reflects sonic's own flaws back at him, but I wish they didn't dial up the jerkassery and mistrust to make it happen.

The action is also really good, so fucking well animated and choreographed, but like I do feel like it drags on a bit, and between that and the flashbacks, it feels like they just were trying to pad the episodes. It would've worked better as 11-15 minute episodes, I think.

I also like the idea of a bad future where Eggman won and sonic doesn't exist! It's a neat concept, and I kind of which we stuck with that, rather than going between there and all these other AUs, it kind of drags out the pacing of what should be our main story. All the AUs, even this apparent main one, feel a bit gimmicky, but at least that one is the most interesting, at least to me who likes dystopian settings. Then again, it is a fun kids show, so I know I shouldn't be expecting anything too deep lol

I know it sounds like I really disliked this show, but I am invested in the characters and concepts they're presenting and hope that some of my complaints about these first 8 episodes get addressed to some degree. If not, it's going to be a really frustrating watch

[seijorhi]

Thinking back on ‘Heartbeat’ I was randomly taken aback by it today, the memory of it hit me randomly at work. The first time I read it I really took it at face value so to say, it’s a pretty straightforward premise so there isn’t so much “mystery” to unravel like some of your other works. I, for some reason, just didn’t have questions at the time, the plot was promised and brilliantly fulfilled. But now suddenly at work my silly little brain decided to think about it deeper, and not just questions but about all the unseen.

I can and somehow can’t imagine how pissed Draken was when receiving that invitation. Probably very aware of her everyday life, unbeknownst to daughter dearest who idiotically thinks she successfully got away. The patience of this man who probably understood at first why she left but is also silently fuming at the thought. He probably held back a lot when she even got together with her fiancé. He most likely snapped when he got that RSVP and it was probably the most expressive he’s been since she left.

It makes so curious about the backstory. Was darling daughter’s mother a disappeared deadbeat or just straight up dead? How long did dear daddy wrestle with these feelings before even realizing what they were and was it really the alcohol that made him give in? How long were both of them aware of the unspoken tension? And what was his long term plan before her escape and has that changed with their reunion in terms of he doesn’t feel like he has to hold back or pretend anymore and can just act on his feelings and treat her more like a lover than a daughter? Or would he still play at the illusion of over affectionate paternal love? I mean, he most likely will always throw it in her face, but to what degree because maybe it’s also ever so helpful especially if he emotionally wants more than her basic affection born from being family.

I’m sorry I know that’s a lot to read and take it, but my brain has been flooded ever since. I know you prefer open ended interpretations and I enjoy using my imagination but hearing the author’s original intent is just on another level. Thank you for simply writing it and for reading my long ramble until the end.

<33 ily

oh pissed doesn't begin to cover it haha

as far as the mother goes, i pictured her being one of toman's 'girls'. she would've been taken care of to a certain extent while she was pregnant, but afterwards... yeah :))

and in this case, drunk minds definitely speak sober thoughts. considering the nature of what toman becomes involved in and the sort of deteriorating morality of each of them, paired with draken being extremely overprotective with his daughter and pretty much isolating her from everyone but him and a few of the toman execs he trusts, it's kind of a recipe for disaster.

which isn't to say he doesn't initially try and shove those thoughts down when he first starts looking at her as something other than just his daughter, only that the environment fosters toxicity and warped relationships already and it doesn't take long for him to come to terms with those thoughts, to start entertaining them.

the reader thinks he's only coming onto her that night because he's drunk, but it's more like the alcohol gave him the final push to act on what he's been thinking about for months.

he loves her, deep down he believes that he's the only one who can protect her, she's his entire world, none of what he's done changes that. this is an adjustment period, and he understands that she's upset and it'll take time for her to come to terms with it, but at the end of the day it's all for her own good; daddy knows best.

their relationship changes in that now obviously he's taking more from her, but it also sort of reverts to how their relationship used to be – at least in the good moments. he'll still comfort her like he used to, still calls her the same affectionate little nicknames from when she was a kid.

so yeah, he's definitely gonna bring up the father card when she's being especially emotional or angry, and to remind her that despite what she yells and screams at him, he does love her, and deep down she knows she loves him too.

[eremiie]

you want it that bad don’t you?;

❥ 5k words | nsfw | mafia au | levi x reader

❥ being in the mafia isn’t fun and games— and levi has no problem reminding you.

❥ content: gun kink, rough sex, “sir” kink (?)

you tapped on your crossed legs as you sat in the waiting room, adjusting the black skirt that sat pretty on your legs, in anticipation and slight nervousness. hange rambled beside you, and you tried not to block her out but your own thoughts were quite captivating. you weren't sure how it happened but you fucked up big time, and you weren't sure how ready you were to face the repercussions.

"i mean how did you even manage that, ___? did you just shoot him in the head and go 'oh shit, i killed him.', you're in some sh-" you cut hange off with your own leveled tone, chuckling slightly at the irony of the situation.

"i know, hange, i know. it went something like that..." you shook your head and raised an eyebrow at her as she began laughing, the eyepatch over her eye raising up in the slightest as her cheeks did causing you to smile, a little light in the dark moment you were bound to face.

armin stepped out with a worried expression on his face, sympathy crossing it when he spotted your figure tensely lounging in the lobby chair. he nodded his head at you as you stood up nervously, you'd hope your relations with the underboss would save you. he gave you a shy half-smile and hange covered her mouth with an 'oooo' causing you to glare at her and shush her, your life was ‘at stake’ and her jokes weren't helping. "uh, ____... don levi is.. he's ready for you." armin's voice shook as he spoke, he seemed more worried than you.

"don't worry armin, i'll be fine." you reassured the timid boy. sometimes you wondered how he even got into the mafia, his short stature and soft looks were sure to be underestimated until he kicked ass, not to mention his intelligence probably made up where he was lacking.

"are you sure about that? did you see the way he kicked eren's ass just for him to even GET in the mafia? you're gon-"

"hange! please." you put up a hand to still hange's voice.

"better be lucky you're not taking this up with boss erwin." hange continued, causing you to earn another sympathetic look from armin.

you turned around to face hange, your eye twitching. did she know who you were dealing with? "you mean unlucky? i rather have him any day."

"okay, okay, i don't want to get in trouble too let's go!" armin ushered you to the grand door of the underboss' office, your heart thumping at what, or better yet; who would lie beneath it. you’d better whip something up before you entered the gates of hell.

armin knocked at the door twice before slowly opening it, he mumbled something to levi before looking back at you and opening the door wider, you took slow steps into the brightly lit office, the curtains on the windows in the back drawn shut so that the only light illuminating the office were the luxurious lamps that detailed every corner. you took multiple steps forward until the only thing separating you and the devil himself was a brown polished oak desk that was carved to perfection. beyond it? the intimidating subordinate of the boss, levi ackerman, his pristine hands supporting his face as his legs crossed. his black trench coat that you knew costed more than you would make from any mission adorning the brown leather seat that he sat on, his posture perfect just like every strategically placed strand of hair on his head.

you breathed in and put on your most charming smile, keeping your hands behind your back as you bowed at a 90 degree angle, if bowing all the way to your feet would save you, your head would've been drilled into the ground right about now.

"don levi, my favorite person." you started, as he eyed you intently, the scowl on his face growing by every minute you were in his presence. he stayed silent for a good moment before uncrossing his legs, the fabric on his jeans seeming to become cleaner by every dust of his hand.

"what happened." he snarled, hoping you would have a good reason that your captive was dead, which meant the mafia no longer had the upper hand on their enemies now. yes, you knew you fucked up big time.

"okay, so well.. you see, we were heading towards the hideo-"

"not that far back you brat. stop wasting breath and get to the point. why is our captive dead?" he snapped, leaning forward on his desk, your breath hitching in the slightest.

you took a step forward and placed all eight tips of your fingers on the wood tapping them slightly as you looked at levi with a face that showed remorse on all levels. "sir, the captive was seated in the back of the vehicle with us. his restraints were loosening and he was yelling at everybody in the truck, especially to me, the one with the gun." you started, puppy dog eyes beginning to grace your face as if that would help. "the whole time he was cutting the restraints with a knife when he was back in the seat, an-"

"and why did no one catch this?" levi interrupted, his face growing even more furious by the second you spoke.

"because... well we were all trying to get him to calm down, and-"

"for fucks sake weren't you brats trained to catch shit like this? now we're facing repercussions because he's dead."

"i didn't mean to kill him-"

"but you did. he's fucking dead, how did he die, caporegime?" he didn't even use your name, the way he addressed you by your title making you cringe in the slightest, backing away from the desk as he stood up and came around the desk, a gun slinging in his hand that wasn't supporting his weight as he now leaned against the table, waiting for your response.

"commander... i, he, he was waving the knife around and the truck, the vehicle was starting to go off of the road because," you took a huff of breath as you pulled your thin trench coat that was falling off your shoulders more over to conceal the small skirt and button up you had underneath. you crossed your legs as you stood, your black heels clinking as they shuffled on the ground. "well, i panicked,"

"you panicked?" levi scoffed.

"i came up with the best solution, which was to shoot him." you answered bluntly as you stared at levi, his eyes narrowing at you. you took a small step forward as he sighed. "levi-"

"the best fucking solution, ____?" great, back to a first name basis, "what happened to all the years you fucking trained for shit like this? you know combat and so does everyone else in the damn truck!" he began to come forward to you, gun moving around a little to reckless for your liking and you backed up even more.

"lev-, commander, sir, it was an accident! or else, everyone else and i would be dead!"

"an accident? tch? now if i shot you right now would it be an accident, ____?"

your back hit the wall as levi cornered you, the barrel of the gun now touching the cream colored walls as did your head. although levi was short, you were still deathly intimidated, your chest noticeably heaving up and down as the flimsy trench coat was pooling at your elbows, the button up your wore revealing your cleavage, and you sure didn't miss the small gaze from the underboss, his steely eyes connecting with yours once more.

you tried not to let the small smirk become noticeable on your face as you tilted your head up in the slightest, side eyeing the gun to your left then raising an eyebrow at levi directly in front of you.

"but you won't?" your response came off more as a question then an answer, you're nervousness still racking as levi's eyed widened in the slightest at the small disappearance of fear in your eyes.

anybody else in your position would've probably been beaten to a pulp right about now, or even dead. but luckily for you, your small relations with the underboss was saving your ass altogether.

the gun was lifted from the wall and slipped its way into your mouth harshly, and you could hear the 'chink' of the trigger as he cocked it back, your mouth struggling to close around the barrel. you could taste the steel of the device and you felt the coldness of the gun that matched the cold gaze that was upon you. you let your tongue slide around the front of the gun.

you were playing a risky game.

you placed your hands on levi's chest, causing the gun to falter in your mouth as he dragged it down to your chin. "levi, baby," he cringed, eye twitching at the lack of honorific as you let your hands glide down the tie around his neck, your trench coat dragging on the floor behind you as you walked forward, levi stepping back, still in contact with you.

"i can fix this.." you mumbled, causing the underboss to grab your wrists with one hand and swing them down to your sides, pinching the bridge of his nose as he walked back to his desk, refusing to be lead on by you. he knew his position and regardless of what you do or did with him, he couldn't let the way the coat lingered off your body, or the way the two buttons of your button up revealed the thin lace trimming of your bra, or the way your skirt was riding up as you were backed into the wall fool or distract him. he sat back in his seat and used his hands to speak, the gun in his hand flailing around as well.

"how can you fucking fix this? you're gonna get another hostage, huh? you know how hard it was to get him? you gonna deal with his fucking body? remember where you fucking stand _____."

you slowly walked towards levi, letting your coat fall completely onto the floor, levi going on his rant as you got on your knees in front of the tall leather rolling chair placing your hands on the matching black leather belt that levi wore, caressing it, letting your hands move side to side on it.

"i can fix this."

you looked up at levi with a look of sultry, the way your eyelashes only let a slight shimmer of your eyes seep through as you looked up at him, and the way that extra layer of gloss that coated your lips could be imagined around his dick made him let out a shaky breath as he gripped the gun in his hand tighter.

"get under the desk."

you stopped yourself from grinning as you used all fours to crawl, levi avoiding your gaze. once you were seated under the desk you took it upon yourself to unbutton another button, thanking the heavens that you decide to go for the dress shirt instead the other white mock neck that's still sitting in your closet of your studio apartment. you pushed up the black lace bra that you wore up to accentuate your breasts as levi twirled his seat until you were enclosed under the desk fully.

you began to unbuckle his belt, your hands lingering a little longer on the silver buckle before you unhooked it and folded it neatly, placing it on the floor beside you as to not anger levi any further. after all, he still had the steel weapon in his hand, as a matter of fact his arm hung loosely over the side of his chair, the gun in close range to you.

as you tugged at levi's unzipped pants he lifted his hips in the slightest to help you pull the jean fabric down, pulling his member out of the slit in his grey boxers. you smiled a little at the way it stood proudly because of you and looked up at levi who was now looking down at you, although he still avoided your eyes. you noted the permanent crease between his brows making his expression look even more angry. at what? you weren't sure, maybe it was your shit execution at your mission, or the fact that he was faltered and was letting you do this during his office hours.

you loved yourself.

before you could wrap your hands around levi's length he used his free hand to pull slightly on your ponytail that held your slicked hair back. "don't make a mess." he muttered before you placed your slender fingers around him. he sucked in a breath as you licked at his tip, his dick feeling like it was growing with every touch you made around him. the effect you had was incredible.

"yes, levi."

"sir."

"yes, sir."

maybe on any other day you wouldn't be so quick to comply, you had a bite to you, but you knew your limits and today wasn't the day. you puckered your lips and kissed the tip of levi's cock before going down on it letting it reside in the wet, warm heat of your mouth. "mm," you relished in the way it felt heavy on your tongue, and you let it sit there for a moment before beginning to bob your head up and down.

levi removed his hand from your hair, relaxing under you and letting out a shaky sigh, he didn't want to let you know how much he was actually enjoying this rendezvous but oh, you knew. you probably would have been more oblivious if it wasn't for the mere whimpers and grunts that left him, or if it wasn't for how silent the room was besides those same sounds that he stopped before they could vocally leave his throat.

you opened your mouth and swirled your tongue around his member, using your hands to get what you couldn't reach at the base of his cock, twisting your hands slightly as your worked at the top. you then placed your hands on his lap and picked yourself up in the slightest to go down on him as far as possible, humming, sending the vibrations down on his dick, the sensation running through his body. a slight shudder left levi, him preventing himself from bucking up into your mouth which he knew would cause a mess.

"did you like that, sir?" you pulled yourself off his tip for a brief moment, in an attempt to tease levi without you know... tempering the man. you continued to work at him with your hands as you looked up at him, fluttering your eyes and keeping your mouth open ajar. your lips were reddened and your lip gloss would need to be reapplied later.

"who told you to stop?"

you let out a small chuckle which you hoped levi didn't hear, and if he did he didn't comment on it because you hurriedly slipped him back in your mouth, giving a particularly hard suck that made whatever he maybe wanted to say stop short with a moan that he quickly covered up with a clearing of his throat.

you were so stuck on pleasuring the underboss that you didn't even realize it when he lifted the gun and twirled the chamber until it landed on an empty spot, before he shot it directly at in front of him to clear the cocked gun, returning it to its neutral state. the sound of the pressurized air leaving the barrel made you jolt and your teeth grazed his length as your jaw tightened, your heart rate speeding up until you realized you were fine.

but that didn't convince the snoopers lingering outside the door.

"i knew she was gonna die." hange shook her head with a pout as she sat beside the door to the office, not even worried about the risk of getting caught. "she didn't make a noise... hm, i'll never underestimate levi's aim again." she let out a small gasp. "imagine if he heard me calling him levi! i'd probably end up like ____." hange clutched her chest as she let out a small laugh, shaking her head once again at your expense and at her joke.

meanwhile, armin was pacing back and forth in front of the door trying to stop his tears from spilling. "hange! how can you joke about this when, when she could really be dead! you know lev- don levi would really... no, she can't be dead. i'm gonna check."

hange closed her eyes and tilted her head back as she listened to armin. "you know that's a bad idea! imagine if you went in there and there's just like blood everywhere, like-"

"hange!"

"well besides the blood, he'd probably shoot you too so there would be no witnesses. i'm just kidding, you'd just be in a bad spot. oh, but ma-“

"that's it, i'm going in." armin was shaking as he knocked on the polished door, making sure to use his small handkerchief to wipe off any marks his knuckle could've made. "sir, is everything alright?" his voice was awkwardly unleveled, it cracking halfway through his sentence.

levi's hand flew to your hair as he pulled it back in the slightest to stop your motions. "sh." he made sure he was presentable just in case, setting the now uncocked gun down on the desk before clearing his throat. "is there something you need subordinate arlert?" levi spit out his words in slight frustration.

armin twisted the door knob, looking away in fear at the sight of blood, gaze focused on hange who sat on the floor to the side of the door. "no, i, i just was making sure everything was okay, i... i heard a gunshot."

you smirked at the sound of armin's voice now clearer as he spoke. you thought for a second...

you know what? you decided to take a risk.

levi's grip in your hair was looser as he focused more on him and armin's small conversation instead of you and you took it as an opportunity to do the same hard suck you did earlier, levi's breath hitching, cause his voice to falter as he spoke to armin, his grip on your ponytail tightening once more.

"and that would be your business because, brat?"

you smiled at your success, trying to move your tongue despite the heat from your scalp as levi expressed his anger through his hold.

armin gulped and squeezed his eyes shut. "very well, sir. i'll be shutting the door now."

"and don't interrupt me again, that goes for you and anyone else in the hall."

"yes, sir."

and with that, you heard the heavy door shut and you knew what was to come. levi yanked your head back a scowl on his face as he watched your head abruptly bob backwards off his member, you licking your lips innocently.

"what the hell is wrong with you? do you have an actual fucking death wish?" he hissed, your ponytail feeling like it could rip off at any given moment.

"what if we got caught, huh?" levi rolled his eyes and scoffed in shock at your carelessness. he was such a tough nut to crack. "fuck..."

"levi, rel-"

"it's fucking sir. commander, captain, stop addressing me like we're equals." he let go of your hair and moved his steel grip to your shirt, gathering the white fabric in his hands as he pulled his chair back, pulling you from underneath the desk, panic ensuing in you. he pushed you back until your thighs hit his desk causing it to scoot back in the slightest as you stopped yourself from flying back with your hands.

"cap-"

"shut up. every word that comes from your mouth is irritating me."

you pursed your lips and watched levi study your face, his gaze constantly flickering down to your body as well, watching your disheveled form as your chest heaved up and down. frankly, you were afraid to even move, you were sure one more mistake from you would've made him burst. but, as you watched levi pull his member back through his slit you opened your mouth anyways. "commander, please." you didn't want to be left hanging, the wetness that was pooling in your own underwear wasn't going to fix itself.

"what could you possibly want." he stopped his motions for a minute, the desperate expression on your face reeling him in slightly.

you were frozen for a second, before you scoot back on his desk and pulled your skirt up it bunched up at your waistline. you hastily looked around before you grabbed the gun that was sat beside you and put on your best seductive expression. “captain..."

you spread your legs as you rubbed yourself overtop of the matching lace fabric of your bra, the newfound sensation causing you to bite your lip. you pushed aside your underwear as you teased yourself, letting your slick gather over the tip of the gun. you made sure levi was watching before you pulled it away and examined the tip before bringing it to your lips and slowly licking up your own secretions while looking up at levi, not missing the way his eye twisted, or the faint red that tinted his pale cheeks.

he stepped forward and you tried to contain your smile for the one thousandth time that night, before he grabbed the gun from your hands, staring you straight in the eyes and huffing, turning around. "captain!" you couldn't stop now, you grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards you until the tip of the gun was pressed against you once more the cold metal making your breath stutter.

your body tensed up, holding in a whimper as you looked at levi with a pout, using your other hand to turn his face towards you, your thumb brushing over his bottom lip.

his upper lip twitched as his eyes flickered down to your own. levi leaned forward until both of you were face to face. he leaned even closer so that your noses barely touched until you were staring deep into his rocky eyes, flecks of black outlining the grey, and then there was the abyss of his pupils.

"you want it that bad don't you?"

you whimpered again and your eyes fluttered. you let go of his wrist and placed both of your hands behind you on the desk, nodding your head. "yes, sir." you felt like you repeated for the umpteenth time.

"tch," levi glared at you before pulling down his boxers. "desperate, dirty."

and you didn't even care because you won, like you did most of the time.

you layed down on the desk causing levi to twitch as your head touched his papers, him quickly moving them to the floor and making sure nothing would fall or collapse, although he kept his desk mostly empty. you couldn't recall any pictures family members decorating the desk, the only thing you could remember probably being a stapler, papers, and maybe a nameplate. "mm, thank you captain." you smiled as you layed back and pulled your black undergarment off, sitting it beside you instead of flinging it onto the floor.

levi didn't respond as he grabbed your hips and pulled you forward, positioning himself at your entrance. you anticipated the way he would slide into you like he did everytime, slowly and carefully, always studying your expression to make sure he wasn't hurting you, and so he did this time as well. you groaned at the sensation of him entering you, every inch filling you up completely and you struggled not to make much noise, trying not to give any hints to what was happening in the large room. "sir..." you hissed as you felt him bottom out inside you.

levi groaned at the feeling of him being buried inside you completely, tilting his head down to look at the way he disappeared you completely, his mouth hanging open in the slightest, and it made you feel special. the way you were in this position, as other people could barely touch him.

"do i feel good?" you asked, propping yourself up on your forearms to see him inside you as well. levi didn't answer as he began to move inside of you, the wet noises of him pulling in and out raw filling up the room, causing you to throw your head back as you whined. "please, you can go faster."

levi did just that, picking up his pace, voluntarily rocking his hips as he moved inside of you causing the desk to shake. you moved your legs to the side of him and pulled him closer to you so he could hit deeper, careful not to let your heels touch his top. "fuck, le-, sir... i know you can go faster than that." you groaned.

levi clicked his tongue and his pace picked up again, him now initially slamming into you with every hit of your hips against each other, a slapping noise eliciting everytime, and your breasts now bouncing up and down from how hard he was pounding into you. "you gonna stop complaining now?"

his voice caught you off guard, as you looked up at him, your eyes half lidded, your mouth in an o-shape, and him staring back at you, his skin slightly shining almost as if he was about to sweat, and your skin reciprocating. "fuck, yes... it feels so fucking good."

you could feel that sensation tumbling in your stomach with every stroke, you're breathing become ragged as you tried to grab at the desk, you tightening around levi. “i think, i think i'm gonna come." you voiced, your eyebrows furrowing as you tried to concentrate on the feeling bubbling up inside of you. "can you make me?" you teased again as you threw your head back and arched your back, trying to make levi talk again. you could tell he wasn't the vocal type during sex. or maybe it was because you were in an office.

levi pulled one of your legs from behind him and scooted your body up on the desk, pushing your leg towards your chest as he looked up at you, his own mouth hanging open as he grunted with every hard thrust.

"remember where you stand, ____."

he drilled you harder, every thrust he made shaking your body and causing his dick to almost leave you completely every time, before burying you completely as well.

"yes, sir."

"call me that again," levi shut his eyes tight as he bit his lip trying to conceal his moans, forcing your leg down some more, pounding into you trying to reach his own high, his own feeling trying to crawl its way to the surface, he wasn't even worried about a mess at this point, the sound of his name plate clattering to the floor not even making him open his eyes.

"fuck sir, i'm almost there, please!" you whispered as you looked down to see your wetness gathering at levi's base, and that made you tumbled over the edge as you cried out, feeling every nerve in your body pinch as you climaxed, your forearms dropping to the table causing your back to hit the desk before you arched it. "levi!" you whimpered as he went even faster his own climax teasing him.

"fuck," he groaned softly before letting go of your leg and grabbing your hips, pulling you towards him as he released inside of you, letting his cum seep into you, a ragged breath leaving his throat before he hissed pulling out of you.

the both of you caught your breath and you rolled off of his desk with a smile despite your legs being wobbly while you stumbled to grab your underwear.

"hey," levi started as he wiped himself clean with a napkin he kept inside his desk. "don't get that anywhere." he used his head to motion down to your cunt.

"oh? your cum?" you knew he what he was talking about, and you laughed. "don't worry. i'm thinking about keeping this in me for a little while." you bit your lip as you pulled up your panties, patting them before you pulled down your skirt and started to button up your top again.

levi gave you a disgusted expression and sighed before shaking his head and spraying down his desk, wiping it down and placing his belongings back where they were while you dressed yourself up again, him already have gone through that process.

you picked up your trench coat off the floor in front of levi's desk before walking up to him slowly. "sir," you smiled, adjusting his tie, his irritated expression making you chuckle. "i told you i'd make it up to you."

levi scoffed and backed away, placing his miniature cleaning products back in his drawer after cleaning his weapon, and using the small cologne bottle in his desk to try to cover up the faint smell of sex in his office.

"you just make sure you get your situation under control. that's still not over. get two subordinates to help you out and get this shit fixed by the end of the week. you're not off the hook, and i still have to review this with boss erwin, i'm still under him."

you raised your eyebrow and scoffed. "so much for that god complex earlier." you mumbled as you walked away and towards the door.

"what?"

"nothing, captain."

"get out."

"alright, alright." you giggled as you tied the waist of your trench coat and opened the door to his office before stepping out.

"thank goodness, you're alive, we thought you died!" you were squeezed into a hug by armin and hange, hange hugging your feet as she was seated on the floor and armin's arms around your waist.

"what?" you questioned, pulling both of them off of you.

"so how'd you do it? how are you standing here to this minute, ____?" hange asked dramatically, shaking your legs as she spoke.

"hange what the hell, get up. what are you guys talking about?"

"we thought he killed you.." armin whispered, as his eyes darted between the door and your confused face.

you rolled your eyes and crossed your arms, beginning to walk away from the door and towards the staircase of the building.

"please," you smirked to yourself as you added a small strut to your walk. "not in a million years. he wouldn't kill me."

trust and believe, you knew where you stood.

[huxianposts]

I COMPLETELY forgot who posted this but there was this one tumblr that posted Pegoryu with ‘Koi no Yokan’ and I was like OMG YES, but then after a while I think an anon sent in ask about that and was like ‘Okay hear me out—Koi no Yokan and Coup de Foudre cause Ryuji’s Zio and lightning and thunder and he was the flash of lightning that made Akira fall in love’ AND I WAS EVEN MORE LIKE YES YES YES YES

BUT NOW I CAN’T FIND THE POST OR BLOG SO I FEEL I SHOULD JUST LET YOU KNOW OF THE EXISTENCE OF THIS AND HOPE YOU CAN SEE IT FOR YOURSELF ONE DAY

I ain't gonna lie, for hot a minute I thought Koi no Yokan was a band, and that Coup de Foudre was a song, and I was like, I don't think I've heard of them before but I will do it for pegoryu-- AND THEN MY PEA BRAIN REBOOTED AND WENT, YOU DINGUS, THEY ARE WORDS WITH DEFINITIONS. And THEN I remembered where I heard Koi no Yokan before and I went on a fever manhunt through my tags for it and I believe it is this post by @kareofbears!

here's the link to reblog ahaha! Though, I did not see/cannot find the Coup de Foudre follow up, sorry (￣y▽,￣)╭

but YES, YES YES YES!!!! We have the definition phrase for koi no yokan, but for coup de foudre, I've found, it's "an astonishing occurrence; especially : overwhelming love at first sight", and for your bit you mentioned "The moment when "lightning strikes" or something unforgettable occurs that you want to capture forever".

And I am literally shaking. It's so perfect for them. Not only am I shook at the slow burn aspect, but the lightning metaphor and imagery is so immaculate. Like holy shit!!!!!!

Anyway, long ass talk (me just rambling bc i haven't slept for a while LMAO) under the cut, sorry! But know that my Pegoryu heart just got reignited, so thank you, anon 😎

In my headcanons, I honestly see Akira being the one that falls first. He looks and acts reserved restrained, but he gets attached to people fast (the power of friendship, babyyyy-- my boy is a shonen jump protag), and Ryuji being that first re-connection back to the rest of the world, literal zio, lightning storm, thunder-- To Akira, there is a time before Ryuji, and then there is a time after Ryuji. Ryuji is... someone, something, an event that happened to him. Lightning strike that shifted the world a few degrees different.

Like, of COURSE, if it were anybody else-- I do believe Akira would've saved them, would've stood up, would've become someone more than what was given to him. But there is something so narratively delicious that he meets Ryuji first, and this is the person that woke up something in him, that he took one look after that first dungeon and sees recognition-- that core trait of protection being reflected back. I've said it in some posts before, but like, there was a writing choice for Akira to fully start his journey with the Chariot arcana, rather than Magician; The Chariot tarot card is all about overcoming challenges and gaining victory through maintaining control of your surroundings.

Akira at the beginning of the game is someone defined by loss: of his old life, reputation, and of control. I know the awakening theme for P5 is about rebellion, revenge, anger-- and he does embody all of that! But his core is to protect. That's what got him into his situation; the world punished him for standing up for someone else, tried to tell him it was a mistake, and it was wrong. Even after having dreams about Igor hinting at his future, meeting Sojiro, seeing how weird Shujin is-- it's meeting Ryuji, accidentally going into the dungeon, and having this stranger try to protect him-- that's what wakes Akira up. His lightning flash moment. Ryuji happened to him, and validated his core drive to protect; Ryuji looked at Akira, a stranger, and didn't debate on the merits of saving some guy who could be good or bad-- he just did it.

Akira woke his persona to save others. And as defined by the Chariot-- he overcame his challenge (fear of action due to what had happened before) and gained victory through control of his surroundings (reconnecting with the world and people, gaining a persona granted him control of his circumstances, etc.).

Ryuji is the overwhelming, unforgettable lightning strike.

Maybe Akira doesn't fall in love right at that moment. But I do believe he falls a lot faster, and that he recognizes the impact in meeting Ryuji. But again, his restraint does not let him voice any of this (because Akira is still very defined by fear); he knows what he feels, he just lost his voice in admitting anything truly vulnerable.

Now, on the other side, I headcanon Ryuji embodying koi no yokan perfectly. A lot of it is also Atlus having everyone adore Akira (which, deserved. Akira deserves good things), but it's my headcanon and I'm explaining the process.

I honestly believe it takes Ryuji longer to truly connect in a way that HE finds matter. It's easy to help strangers, but it's hard to let down your guard to allow someone at your soft belly; this is exemplified with Ryuji's prickly countenance, and his quick reaction to anything that could cause harm to others/the group. A lot of that is from the stuff that happened to him prior the game: Kamoshida breaking his leg, ostracization by his team and school, his own guilt, and hell, the lightly mentioned family history in his SL.

Like, chains are a big symbolism in P5: restraint, being literally chained down by society, yourself, etc. And in comparison to the main cast, his story happened outside of P5 plot (no connection to Shido, and his story was not jumpstarted by the Metaverse); Ryuji... just happened in the plot. Things happened to him. And he's been living his life defined by those things, chained down by external forces but also by his mistakes.

That's why, on a narrative level, it really makes sense that Ryuji's whole SL is about recovery, progress, and freedom. Everyone else is finally stepping into their story, so to speak, but he's the one moving on, because his story was done before the game even began (and that Atlus just did not give attention to, lbr), and change is an inevitable part of life.

But there is also the delicious juxtaposition of Ryuji's themes of freedom mixing with inevitability, though. Just the possibilities of internal struggle, you know? Like, if my life can change because I will it, because I seek freedom and that is an active process- how does inevitability play a role? Fate isn't real, it can't be (because does that mean half the bullshit in my life was doom to occur?), because that is a painful thought-- but. Akira.

Akira is someone that became inevitable to Ryuji's story; just as Ryuji was the lightning strike to Akira's life to wake up and recognize himself again, Akira is the inevitability of change for Ryuji's stagnancy. Because Ryuji is an active person in many ways-- staying in one spot, staying stagnant is what hurt him most, and just meeting Akira was.

It felt like the tide pulling from the shore, the sun setting, moon rising, world turning on its axis every day. Normal, devastating inevitable forces.

Their meeting was by chance, but did Ryuji really think he could stay the same? Did he think he could stay the same in his loneliness, after having met Akira?

He didn't fall first, but on some level, Ryuji knew that all the roads he ran on would lead back to Akira.

And while Ryuji may struggle with his own themes of freedom and inevitability-- I think he ultimately accepts what he feels for Akira, and makes new meaning of the two concepts for himself: "I guess bein' free...it's like how I feel when I'm talking to you, man."

Finding freedom in that inevitable love, because at the end of the day, Ryuji has the choice to choose that written piece, or reject it. And he chooses take it and make it mean something, changing in the way that matters to him.

Anyway. Thanks for reading this far LMAO. But anon, whoever you are, thank you for your ask, because I am literally this image rn

[wheeler-beretta-harwood]

Hey S.T changing it up tonight. How about some questions instead (while I think of a new prompt)

1) Top 6 Favorite Wrestlers

2) Top 6 Hated/Dislike Wrestlers

3) When did you start watching wrestling?

4) What promotions do you watch?

5) First wrestling match you remember watching

6) Ever been to any wrestling shows/events?

7) Favorite Wrestling Story Line

8) Least Favorite Wrestling Story Line

9) 1st fanfiction you ever wrote

10) What do you love most about wrestling?

I can’t wait to read your answers 💜💚

Sorry in advance, I got a little carried away. So you don't have to read through all my rambling if you don't want to. These were fun questions, though, thanks for asking!

1) Top 6 Favorite Wrestlers

I feel like I need to give some background information, so prepare for a long answer to this.

1. Cash Wheeler/ FTR: Who would've guessed, huh? Cash's my favorite, across all categories. Honestly, he is criminally underrated. Have you seen him in the ring? He is ridiculously fast! And very precise! I love that when Dax is in the ring, he moves around like a hunter circling his prey. Everything seems very calculated, very planned. I like that. What I enjoy even more though, is when he tags in Cash and the whole pace changes. He's like a pitbull off the fucking leash. I genuinely feel like ya'll are sleeping on the man.

And FTR made me fall in love with wrestling again, with a style of wrestling I hadn't appreciated before. They always say they have no fancy moves, and it might be true, but their storytelling in the ring is unmatched for me.

On a very personal note, I have to thank these two little shitheads because they have helped me conquer my depression to some degree. For years, I have been struggling, losing all interest in things I've usually enjoyed, like drawing, writing/reading, and generally being creative. I just went to work, then went home and stayed in bed for the rest of the day/night.

It's funny to me that two guys who don't even know that I exist have helped me through some of the darkest times of my life and brought some joy back. I owe them more than I could ever tell. (And yes, I shed a tear while I wrote this). So if any of you ever says something negative about these two, go kindly fuck yourself.

[From here on, answers will get shorter]

2. Kenny Omega: God, I just love this man. I can't really describe what it is, but there is something poetic in the way he moves. There's just a certain grace about him that demands my attention when he's in the ring. Plus I love his geeky side. We actually have the same taste when it comes to Anime, so I like him even more.

3. Christian Cage: In my early teens, 20 years ago, I had a major crush on Christian. Over the years, the crush turned into general admiration, and he still brings a smile to my face everytime I see him. I've always enjoyed his work as a heel, and can't wait for him to turn again.

4. MJF: Maxwell is a star in the making. I mean, he already is one, but imagine him in 10 years. It's gonna be magical. His dedication to his in-ring persona is unmatched and he can turn shit to gold. Personally, I thought the whole campaign against Mox was a stupid storyline, but I enjoyed it because it was MJF. That's how good he is.

5. Scott Hall: I always say he was my first wrestling crush, but he wasn't really. I was 6 years old, he was like 30 years older, I certainly didn't crush on him. My brother owned an original Game Boy and had this WWF game called either RAW or Kind of the Ring. When he didn't play, I'd always snatch the Game Boy and played. And I always played as Razor Ramon. Later, when I saw him on TV, I immediately knew this was my guy. God, he was soooooo cool.

6. CM Punk: I loved him in WWE. The Pipe bomb will always be one of the best wrestling moments I have ever witnessed. And Punk is the reason, I started watching AEW. My brother tried to talk me into it for quite some time, but I always turned him down saying I was done with wrestling. Then, last year, he tried one last time and told me Punk would come back. I couldn't say no to that, and when he really walked out, I smiled like an idiot at the TV. Then, the start was a bit rough, because he didn't feel like 'My Punk' in the beginning, but I love his recent work.

2) Top 6 Hated/Disliked Wrestlers

1. Shawn Michaels: Hear me out, I don't hate the man because Dax hates him. I've hated Michaels way before I knew Dax existed. I just never liked him. Plus, the Sweet Chin Music is the worst finisher of all time. Yes, I know wrestling is fake, but don't make it that obvious. You really want to make me believe that your opponent is so beat down that he doesn't hear you stomp your goddamn foot 3293 times for 10 minutes straight?! Like he doesn't have a clue what might happen next?! It's a goddamn kick that happens many times in a match, but because you stomped like a little toddler whose mama didn't buy him candy, it'll end a match? Yeah, right.

2. Darby Allin: Hate is a strong word, but I just don't get him. When I started watching, I thought I'd love this guy because aesthetically, his style is my cup of tea. He was a let-down for me though. Plus, I hate the Coffin Drop as finisher.

3. Hulk Hogan: Just a douche in general.

4. Sammy Guevara: I don't dislike him, I am just very indifferent to him. Which I don't understand myself, his matches are good. I just can't warm up to him.

5. Charlotte Flair: same as Sammy.

6. Kelly Kelly: I am talking about young Kelly Kelly that got handed everything on a silver plate while not being all that good. I have no idea what she is doing now, and I honestly don't care.

3) When did you start watching wrestling?

As with a lot of things I have come to love, it was actually my older brother introducing me. I might have been 5 when I really started to get interested in the whole idea of wrestling, then it was part of my life until my mid-twenties when I stopped watching altogether. It was just recently that I started watching AEW (watched all the older Dynamite episode later) and fell in love with it again.

4) What promotions do you watch?

Right now, it's just AEW. I have fallen out of love with WWE years ago. When there was a way to watch here in Germany, I enjoyed Lucha Underground, TNA for some time, and I loved WCW back in the day.

5) First wrestling match you remember watching

Undertaker vs Undertaker, Summerslam 94. Because my brother loved The Undertaker, and he watched that match about 2374375 times.

6) Ever been to any wrestling shows/events?

I have been to two WWE shows here in Germany, maybe in 2004, 2005? And there also was a TNA Show close to where I live. But other than that, sadly no. I have made my peace with the fact that I will (most likely) NEVER see FTR live (just typing it actually breaks my heart)

7) Favorite Wrestling Story Line

Hmmm, honestly, about anything that includes CM Punk or MJF. I am a sucker for good promos, and these two ALWAYS deliver. So I am going with their feud against each other. MJF is just killing it, and I love how he blurrs the links between show and reality.

8) Least Favorite Wrestling Story Line

This was a tough one. And then I remembered it: There was this absolute shitty storyline with Kane and Lita...where he forced her into marriage? Then, at some point, she was okay with it...then 'pregnant' and then lost the kid? That was the most fucked up shit I have ever seen happening in a wrestling ring.

9) 1st fanfiction you ever wrote

In general, a one shot for the Anime 'Bleach'. In my high school years. I'm pretty sure it sucked.

Wrestling wise? The Cash Wheeler one shot 'Weirdo' that I wrote in March this year.

I actually didn't write a whole lot when I was younger, because I never got any feedback on it and thought no one liked it.

So I am more than happy to get some opinions here on tumblr. Although, in my adult mind, I probably would write some of it anyway. Like I would write Meant To Be, even if no one read it. I'd just do it for myself.

10) What do you love most about wrestling?

To me, wrestling is like dancing combined with drama class. There are (at least) two bodies moving together in order to tell you a story. In between, someone holds a monologue, explaining his intentions, thoughts, goals. More dancing. Dialogue. More violent dancing.

Honestly, I can't explain it. It's just, if it's good wrestling, it makes you feel. This year, I have seen the best match I'll probably ever witness. FTR vs Briscoes. Never ever have I felt a match like I felt this one. The four men had me wrapped around their fingers. I rewatched it every day for 4 weeks and was still amazed by it. It's a feeling I can't explain, and it's what I like most about wrestling.

[scover-va]

Ok since no one's gonna ask me abt my colour thoughts with carla and lionel i'll write it out myself /j

Anyways take my stupid analysis under the cut bc i know im gonna end up rambling and long posts are annoying to scroll by on mobile

Okok so i mentioned in the tags of this post that i have thoughts on lionel being represented by blue and carla by red in Walk/The final chapter of The Hex.

For Lionel, the video of him getting murdered is purely blue, like if you took the fuckin Twilight filter and intensified it. As well, he mentions Gamefuna in at least four of the sections in Walk (I cant remember for sure with Vicious Galaxy and the last lil bit with the trophy + reggie lore reveal), and just overall has continuous connections to the colour blue.

Carla, on the other hand, while never physically appearing, is associated with the colour red via Sado. Outside of gold earrings, Sado's only proper colour is red. Red eyes appear in most of the puzzles during Walk, which Lionel remarks is a bug that he's been dealing with since Carla made Sado. Finally, when Lionel.exe crashes in Beneath The Surface (Carla's game), the Sado faces are purely red (which, granted, it's the same way if you try to use a cheat code to kill Sado in Waste World, but still).

So we also see this blue/red colour scheme back in Pony Island, which is obviously connected to The Hex (Lou Natas/Lucifer running Gamefuna, Asmodeus appears in the Secrets of Legendaria crash, you can find Louey in Waste World, and finally Lucifer's symbols appearing on Vallamir's dark spells book. Probably more but that's all I know), and ik the connection is definitely not real at all, I like to think about colours for anything that isnt drawing (colour theory my detested)

So the only character in PI we see with a purely blue colour scheme is the Hopeless Soul, who is, for obvious reasons, the only real ally we have in PI. He's strongly against Lucifer, and aids the player in deleting PI. And while Lionel obviously isn't against Gamefuna/Lou like HS is (selling swk, working for them for cax and sol, using the gameworks engine, etc.), he's definitely been put in that victim position when it comes to Gamefuna. If he hadn't used the Gameworks engine, his characters might not have been sentient. And hey, if they were still sentient, then there would've been no irving (and no irving means no leg crushing and no leg crushing means no strangulation). As well, Lionel's reputation is definitely ruined by selling swk to Gamefuna. Overall, much like HS and all the other souls Lou had in his possession, Lionel's life gets veeeeery much so ruined just for being associated with them (not to say everything wasn't also his own fault, it very much so was, but I also cant blame him for treating game characters like shit. He didnt know they were alive until, like, a few weeks before he died. Aka during Lazarus' escape from the Gameworks building when Irving told him he's sentient, as implied in the audio I wrote down in this post).

Then we look to Carla, who's associated with the colour red (or yellow if you wanna argue that, because of the ducks, but that's not the point). In PI, the Daemons protecting the core files are all red (outside of slight glitchiness having small amounts of blue, but overall they're very red). They're working with Lou, helping to protect the very files that make up the game. With Carla, it's implied that she used satanic methods to made Sado like. That. (It's hinted at by the occult symbol on her Sado design notes in Walk, which we know is also the logo for Satantech Corp. in PI). Like the Daemons, Carla's got a reason to be against one specific person. The Daemons are against you, the player, because you're trying to delete what they're trying to protect. And, well, Carla hates Lionel for majorly screwing her over in several fucking ways. She's an ally of Lou's to some degree, and is responsible for creating the literal fucking demon spawn that fucks with you four fucking times. (Sado's battle in cax, killing Rocky in ww, her battle in vg2, and then the jumpscare and eyes in walk). Overall, she's slotted into that antagonistic role, not to mention the fact that her creation ends up killing Luke at the end of inscryption. Honestly I'm really hoping we get more Carla lore in the next dmg game, but that's besides the point.

Buuut yeah! Those are my lil thoughts on the colour connections. Again, obv im just yanking random things and running with it, but considering how little we actually do know about these two (especially carla) outside of what little we're told, I like being able to do lil analysis type things with these bitches. Thanks for reading! :D

[dungeons-and-dragon-age]

3- Blackwall, 4- Solas, 5- Sera for either of your Inquisitors? Or both….

Thanks for the ask! Gonna do both cos who am I to pass up an excuse to ramble bout my kiddos :P

Did their treatment of Blackwall change after discovering who he was? If yes, how so?

June:

Barely. She didn't see it coming, but it also didn't bother her -- she couldn't understand why it bothered him (or other companions, for that matter) so much since it happened so long ago, but was impressed by how damn hard he was trying to make up for his mistakes. As far as she was concerned though she only knew Blackwall, not Thom, and the Blackwall she knew was a cool dude. A bit too fixated on honour and righteousness maybe, but a good person no doubt. Pretty much the only thing that changed for her was that now he was actually interesting.

Arari:

Ari had been suspicious of Blackwall for some time, so while he couldn't predict what exactly it was that he was hiding he wasn't surprised when it came to light. It did frustrate him that Blackwall had kept the secret for so long, but at the same time he was glad to finally know what's up, and couldn't deny that he was doing his utmost to atone, and he had to respect that.

Did your Inquisitor think of Solas as Fen’harel or did they continue to think of him as their companion, a friend, if he was one to them, even after discovering who he was?

June:

June found it hard to grasp that he was Fen'harel, and when she thought of him it was always still "Solas" that came to mind. Like, she knew, objectively, that he was Fen'harel, but it just didn't feel like it, if that makes sense? After all that was the person who had geeked out over magic with her and Dorian, quarreled with Varric over how bring up their son treat Cole, spent considerable amounts of time sleeping and painting and complaining, who she and Sera had teased and pranked countless times. And she'd never personally interacted with him in his Fen'Harel persona, and paired with her having no real connection to Dalish lore or faith in general it was hard to think of him as the fabled Dread Wolf.

Arari:

Again, Ari had been suspicious of Solas for a while, and while being a literal Elvhen god was not what he expected, he was definitely not pleased about the reveal. I actually haven't played that far with him yet and am not 100% sure what his exact reaction will be, but he's not gonna like it, that's for sure. What's ironic though is that even though he was never very close with Solas, he does feel personally betrayed, in a way? At least to some degree. Because it makes him feel like he's been played like a fiddle and like his own actions lose meaning, which is something that makes him super anxious and frustrated.

5. Did your Inquisitor respond well to Sera and seek her company or avoid her?

June:

Uhhh this one is complicated x'D Their relationship had quite a few bumps along the way before they ended up being close friends. They were off to a good start because they are both very anti-authoritarian, free spirited and excitable, but the problem was that they're also both stubborn, have strong opinions, and are blunt but don't take a hit to their sore spots very well. Which is not an optimal combo because they both managed to get the other into defensive mode pretty quickly. There was a time when June would've liked to kick Sera out and only didn't because Bull convinced her not to.

After that it took them quite a while to slowly open up and grow close, but once they got along splendidly. Sera was glad that June didn't judge or belittle her (well ok she did judge still, but not for the things Sera was insecure about), and for June it was incredibly reassuring to know that Sera didn't give a crap about any of her titles and only ever cared about her as a person.

Arari:

Started off being quite distant, since Ari thought of her as being rather childish and hard to work with, while Sera always thought he was much too aloof and bossy. They're still not crazy close but over time Arari realised he'd grown protective of her, and the other way round Sera was surprised to find she felt safe around him, even if they don't hang out much.

[theangryjikooker]

Hi! how are you doing? I know post concert depression can really hit hard :(

I had a new thought as I was watching a fancam of Jin 'spraying' (I don't have a better word rn, as you've probably noticed already english is not my first language XD) the smoke machine or whatever that was in Jimin's direction. At the time I thought Jungkook also did it and I kind of rubbed me the wrong way. First I really need to insist on the fact that I know it was harmless fun and I'm not accusing anyone of anything, I'm really really not. Boys have ways to have fun that make me roll my eyes 50% of the time but in doesn't mean I think that what they do is bad. I think it's silly and that's how far my judgment goes. Anyway, Jin, Jimin and Jungkook were having fun as boys do and there was nothing wrong with it. But - and that the whole point of this ask, I'm sorry it's taking so long to get there - I couldn't get rid of the idea that if Jungkook and Jimin had a special connection, Jungkook wouldn't have done that. I realized then that the reason I think that way is because in my own relationship I have boundaries set and one of them is to not spray me with a smoke machine. XD

All that to say what's already been said a thousand times : shippers, and even non shippers, are projecting their own standards in romantic relationships to Jikook (anyone, really). 'Lovers do this, lovers do that so if jikook do it then they're lovers' or 'jikook don't do that they can't be together' except lovers do whatever lovers want to do and something that I would find disrespectful from a partner can be perfectly accepted by someone else. Yes, there are some basic stuff that I think all romantic relationships have in common which is why we can differenciate them from other type of relationships, or at least suspect it, as is the case with Jikook. But if it were they easy, and it was so obvious...wouldn't anyone think jikook's a thing? Not everyone thinking they're bros is homophobic or blind as some jikookers would have you believe 😒

This ask is completely over the place (my brain is all over the place is the problem). I'll just end it by saying that in that fancam we can see that Jungkook actually never aimed at Jimin and, while everything I just wrote still stands... I was relieved. It became the most meaningful moment from the concerts to me. Because it fits my own standards of what love is. Maybe it fits jikook's standards as well, maybe it doesn't. Again, nothing is proof of anything because human beings are all so different but, to me, at that moment, jungkook choosing to aim at Jin and then literally everywhere except jimin's direction is something I find deeply touching.

All this is not really a question so I don't know if you will have much to answer. I just wanted to share these recent (and still confused) thoughts of mine. Until next time ;)

- ugh darling anon? UDA?

LMAO, hi! Thank you for "identifying" yourself, I love my repeat anons 😭If you want to be be addressed as UDA, I can call you that. 😂Post-concert feels aren’t too terrible. I think I’m still stuck in surreal mode, like someone pinch me because it’s been La La Land everyday for me.

Your English is fine! I would've never guessed it wasn't your first language if you never mentioned it. It's also okay to ramble! It helps me gain an understanding of a person's thought process. :)

Anyway, I get what you mean! I've also said this before, maybe in passing, but I do believe that shipping involves some degree of projection. We all do it, subconsciously. I think another good example of this playing out in real time is whenever Jkkrs start worrying about Jikook's bond. Whenever Jkkrs start getting fed up with the shippers who are being "insecure," it has very little to do with Jikook themselves. A lot of what is, is because they've put themselves in Jimin or Jungkook's position, and if they aren't drawing from their own personal experiences, they've begun to assume what the situation might feel like if they were Jimin or Jungkook. Empathy, basically, but unfortunately to their own detriment because of the parasocial nature of it all; there's no sense of real closure, and any comfort they get in the aftermath is pulled from more speculation and/or a positive feedback loop from the Jkkrs who are confident in Jikook.

I think my example is one of the more negative ways of how projection can work against us, but there are positive things about it as well. Similar to what you said, it allows us to see how others express love and relate to it. It's why these different ships exist: some people are drawn to Jikook as others are drawn to Taekook for separate and all valid reasons (for the most part). Invalidating one ship or the other is impossible because you can't erase people's experiences or force other people to think exactly like you do.

Not everyone goes into shipping to intentionally project; it's just a side effect of being human and having a life of your own with which to view your external world.

Anyway, that's my take on that.

Have a good weekend, UDA!

[the-goddess-of-mischief-writing]

Okayy you said you liked qs like these so... What do you think would have happened if Lucifer won the fight in season 5? And bonus question, do you think there would have been a way for canon lucifer to actually change for the better? If so, what would've had to happen for that to be possible?

I’m putting my answer after a read more tag, bc this is gonna be looong, so strap yourselves in...

What would've happened if Lucifer won? Jeez, that’s really hard to say, considering I have no idea what the writers of the series would’ve wanted it to go after that. Although, I think that maybe we would've seen something along the lines of what Crowley mentioned, that Lucifer wouldn't only wreak havoc and plague humans, but also demons and other supernatural beings. 

If so was the case, maybe we would've seen a much earlier cooperation between Crowley, Dean and Cas (with the belief he still would be brought back to life). Their goals would've been kinda aligning. However, we would see one big difference between their characters throughout the season. Crowley would do everything to save himself and Cas save heaven/earth from the apocalypse. While Dean would do what he does best and try to save Sam from Lucifer's clutches (now when Luci actually still has his true vessel in possession)

To build further on the last mention idea, maybe we would follow Lucifer/Sam’s storyline quite closely, as well. Perhaps we would witness how Sam continues struggling against the devil and all the things Lucifer would do to hurt people. Further, it would be interesting to see similar Lucifer hallucination scenes here as in season 5, but in a far more intricate way, perhaps in Sam’s mind (as we see when Lucifer occupies Cas). 

On top of this, it would be fascinating to see Sam’s trauma afterward, like how would he cope with having seen so many people killed by his hand, etc. Even the fact that people who encountered the devil would just have thought it was Sam Winchester (much like the idea of Demon Dean)

And, to the bonus question, which I find really compelling. Because, even if canon continued to play Lucifer as the big bad, there is one moment I think many of us noticed and reflected over how it could've been a possible waypoint to make the devil less... devilish. I'm speaking about season 13 when Gabriel speaks to Lucifer.

(for those who need to jog their memory, I’m speaking about this scene)

It's hard to say if Lucifer's reaction was just a ploy all along. However, concerning Gabriel's aloof and slightly "uncaring" attitude towards voicing his irritation about his older brother's old and continuing ways of acting, I don't think it was. They have a special relationship, at least more than the hatred that boils between the other archangel brothers.

As we see, Lucifer actually listens to Gabe to a certain extent, enough to get emotional, at least. We need to remember that the only time Lucifer did the exact same thing and become as emotional, was in season 5 when he thought he killed Gabriel. If this doesn't speak volumes that this was the moment his character could've changed for good, I don't know what else it could've signified. Gabriel outlines Lucifer’s whole arc in such a good way not even he has anything to say in rebuttal. That following silence in the end of the clip is one where he actually considers, I think the closest Luci ever has been, to change his ways. To a certain degree, he also does. He acts better, but we see through it quite quickly regarding how everything is an act to impress Jack and all that.

To give my last personal opinion (as if this whole post hasn’t been my own thoughts), I like that Lucifer remained evil. He was the devil and remained the devil. He had a substantial amount of chances to change, but he didn’t, and I actually applaud SPN for daring to not choose the cowardly way and ending his storyline with smiles and rainbows. 

I don’t know if many agree with me, but I think it just would've felt wrong if Lucifer became good in the end. Since it isn’t his story. He is written as evil and is such a good evil character because he has the opportunity to change, but time and time again chooses not to. Not even when he decides to work with God in season 15 does he do it for the good of all, nor to take the chance of getting on his father’s good side one last time. I see it as the last act to show how evil Lucifer actually is. He doesn't work WITH god until god has become as bad as he.

Finally, I’m done with my rambling, sorry dear anon for it getting this long. But please, share your opinion. Do you guys agree with me on some points, or do you think I’m speaking absolute bollocks? I would love to hear your thoughts!

(I just need to throw this in there. I’m a firm believer Lucifer's final death was the most anticlimactic thing I've ever seen. JESUS CHRIST I did NOT like it)