#rather than constantly on my mind
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It's nice to have friends where you don't totally feel like an intruder when you're staying at their place xD
#nils talking#like I still do an extent#but it's a tiny feeling in the bag of my mind#rather than constantly on my mind#also gosh I'm curious how I'll handle that big party here on Saturday...#anyway Amelie if you're reading this#you know how insecure my ass is xD#I just needed to vent into the ether of Tumblr
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sometimes looking at like Self Help Strategies lists for the symptoms I'm having is always just like:
thing that I already do
thing I have tried 10 times
thing I already do
thing that I don't have the money to do
thing I already do
thing I've been doing since I was 10yrs old to no avail
thing that is impossible given my situation
thing that doesn't apply to me
thing that I already do
thing I have already tried
hrmm, oh wait, maybe finally- OH, yeah.. okay. thing that I already do but it was just phrased slightly differently
thing I have already done
#I think maybe productivity tips help less if the reason you're unproductive is partially like.. physcial health and other extenral things#out of your control. rather than just like having trouble paying attention or spending too much time on tiktok or whatever#all the strategic to do lists in the world are not going to somehow prevent me from waking up with a debilitating migraine or whatever#or having external stressors or lacking resources and connections or other Productivity Essentials etc.#especially many tips involve stuff like 'cut off from social media' since thats the modern day time waster for so many poeple#and it's like.. lol.. i can hardly even maintain a blog even thuogh i actively WANT TO DO SO. 'shut off your smart phone!' already#done babey i fucking hate smart phones i shall never use an app unless i am forced to. 'delete tiktok' yep. already covered. tiktok and#all of those thinsg are my enemies. 'save money by cancelling some of your services' cool. already ahead of you.#who the fuck is out here paying for like 10 different subscription services. pirated videos uploaded to google drive and youtube to mp3#my beloved. etc. etc. and so on. 'socialize less' .........LOL.. if only you knew.. mr.writer of the article. i can barely muster#talking to friends more than once a month and even less if I'm actively sick (often occurence) etc. etc. ... hewoo#I think maybe instead of generic productivity tips I need more like.. how to refocus and be productive anyway even if you have a headache#or are nauseous or etc. Not that those are always things to ignore. and of course you should let your body rest and etc. But plenty of peop#e have mild physical symptoms and just work through them. Ithink something about the way my body/mind is SOO hyper attuned to all#sensory information just makes it like... constantly 'GRR well I cant focus on WRITING right now because my lef#t ear feels weird and my socks are too itchy and my back has a strange pressure and I'm vaguely warm and my eye feels some ssort of#way it doesnt normally feel and I'm hyperaware of my breathing and also nauseous for no reason' and like half of those things I#think '''normal''' people wouldnt even notice or at least would be able to just live through. but for me it's like.. nealry impossible to i#gnore and soooo distracting always. like 'wahh.. nooo we can't draw or get anything done.. my legs feel slightly heavy or something!!'#like............. ok......... who cares. thats not even a PAIN sensation it's just something weird. but it's just like.. NO. constant#mental alerts about the 'heaviness' of your legs be upon ye. Though Imean like.. yes.. 70% of the time I am in genuine pain#or having some sort of actual ailment with trackable physical symptoms. but sometimes it's just like... we could totally be working right#now and ignoring this silly thing but my brain is fixated on it for no reason uncontrollably. etc. etc. I guess it's the same way that like#most people can go to a grocery store without the whole experience being so overwhelming and so much stuff going on at once#that they have to rest afterwards but like.. in my own HOME doing NOTHING i feel like I should be able to not get overwhelmed lol. ANYWAY#Rolling my bastard little rock up a dumbass hill and so on and so forth
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Sweet dreams, for a time (Patreon)
#Doodles#Parapluesch#Mama Oz#So I mentioned that Mama Oz's grief doesn't come from Literally losing a child in how we understand the phrase#However - the dream sequences usually conflate Feeling and Experience#Thus - this#The fact that her actual function is as a magazine rack is so - well it's a lot haha it's a real statement piece#A stuffed animal made with the hide of a different animal made specifically to hold magazines in her belly pouch rather than a Joey#That's........a concept lol#I just can't see her as a piece of furniture! I know that's her function but no! She's a stuffed animal!#It's so easy to imagine her backstory - a child growing up in that home and having her be mama to all the other plushies#Not used as a magazine rack at all - constantly pulled out of her Utility to a more emotional and playful side#Until the child grows up and she's forced back into what she was made for - her ''purpose'' yes but to have to give up what she became#It's like this piece of furniture was doomed to sadness from conception! Personifying an object to that degree - I mean you gave it a face!!#Hard to believe I'm so emotionally invested in this item I'd never seen before and now#I guess that's good memorable design for you haha#She's also still quite fun to draw :D She's very cute!#I wasn't sure about giving her a mouth since I'm pretty sure the actual version doesn't have one - and some of the plushies don't#But I like the idea of her having a little Moomin-like mouth up under her snoot hehe#She kinda reminds me of Sniff even huh#She was fun to draw lying down haha I can very easily see her in my mind's eye standing herself back up in the Parapluesch animation style#I'm still thinking over how her story would conclude - I want her to be able to stand on her own as an individual#But I want her to retain her desire to nurture! She's still a plush even if she started a bit unconventional#Healthy balance to be found somewhere hmm
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decided that in my own personal canon, Santiago’s maker looked similar to Louis, simply because Ben Daniels stated that Santiago was very likely in love with his maker. and wouldn’t it be some kind of torture to fall in love with the man who murdered your first vampiric love? to then watch him fall in love with another, who bears an eerie resemblance to that first love? to be witness to something tender and affectionate blooming, every moment a memory of how none of those you’ve adored have ever wanted you back? it would be agony. it would be torture. god, you would just hate them to pieces, loathing even as you loved them. and you wouldn’t know peace - not until the whole pack of them learnt the horror of love, just as you have.
#I like to think that Santiago was courted by his maker. that it was a genuine interest#perhaps turned to be an immortal companion before his maker saw his mind and past and realised how dull he was#imagine being sold the beautiful dream of having an immortal companion who loves you and chose you out of everyone#to be the only they spend eternity with. forever in the arms of love#just for him to see you. truly see you as nobody ever has. and then instantly recoil#abandon you in disgust. he doesn’t care what you do. he doesn’t care where you go. he doesn’t care what you call yourself. francis.#santiago is a strange inverse of claudia#she is a grown woman struggling against her body - constantly being viewed as her past rather than who she truly is#but she is capable and knowing and refuses to pretend. she is Claudia the adult woman. she is Claudia the cage breaker. Claudia the killer.#while I think Santiago is still deep down Francis. lonely and needy and wanting someone to pick him. but nobody ever will#and so he covers himself up in lies and leather and performs on stage. and nobody thinks anyone is standing there but Santiago#I just LOVE torture. imagine how upsetting all of it would be#he’s still a foul cunt. but god the agony. Armand killing the man he loves. Armand falling in love with someone who looks so similar.#and Santiago can have none of them. will only be touched in anger. so make them angry. get them to touch him.#furious desire to hurt is a kind of desire. he’ll take what he can get. he’s going to get it.#he decides to become the new master of the coven when every part of him is clearly begging#please please please want me take me need me make me yours please don’t turn away don’t pick someone else#he’s so careless with the women because life’s not fair ladies! the powerful want you then they drop you after they’ve used you#if I’m a toy you’re all toys. if I’m used I’ll use up the lot of you.#exactly my favourite kind of guy. wants to be loved eternally would flinch if he received it because what even is this?#santiago iwtv#santiago#ldpdl#louis de pointe du lac#armand#armand iwtv#armand interview with the vampire#iwtv#interview with the vampire
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I hate men and their need to act like any emotional reactions you have while you’re on your period is just you being “hormonal” and “not yourself”
(Rant in tags)
#like sorry I’m actually defending myself rather than just letting you talk shit about me directly infront of me??#when I’m on my period I tend to show more of my real emotions rather than what people want to see so yeah#but the conversation I was having with my brother was fine- I wasn’t talking to him in any way#he asked me about the monster that I had because like an hour or two ago he asked me not to throw it away since it’s one with the cod#qr code thing on it and he asked me if I threw it away and I said “no it’s not empty right now it’s infront of the microwave” and right#after my dad jumps in saying nobody needs to take offense to how I’m talking or how I’m being? when I didn’t say anything in any way? like#my brother didn’t even have the time to respond to me before he jumped in and started indirectly talking shit#I’m so done right now- all he’s done the last few days is nit pick at me about stupid shit like yesterday we missed the our bus stop and we#get off and this man starts yelling at me that now he doesn’t get to eat (mind you he never explicitly said he wanted to get off at that#stop I thought we were just going directly home)- he constantly says shit on purpose to get a rise out of me and now for some reason my#brother (the one that is 17) has been budding in and telling me to stfu and all this shit and my dad feeds off it and uses it as more of a#reason to justify how he’s treating me and it’s just so upsetting cause he does know I’m in a more vulnerable time right now since my period#is always really difficult anyways really sorry for the rant don’t have any friends I can talk to irl about any of this so to the internet#it goes 🙃#random0lover emotional dumps#random0lover rambling ♡
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yes it's just me whining about the same thing for the billionth time, pls just scroll past nothing new to see here 👋
#i just want to enjoy the summer but i feel like i don't deserve to if i'm not constantly trying to become employed again 😭#''apply for jobs then? problem solved'' uh-huh yes but!! i also hate applying for jobs#job seeking can be so incredibly humiliating#first i have to send them a letter BEGGING to be invited to an interview#and then i have to try and convince them that i am actually competent and good at my job even though you have my cv right there#and then afterwards they call me to tell me they found someone who they liked better than me#(or rather someone who was more competent than me judging by their work history etc.)#it's like ''yes we are hiring but not YOU specifically lol''#like. at school if you take a test you get the grade you deserve based on how you did in the exam.#it's something you can actually directly affect yourself#but if someone who's applying for the same job with me has more work experience or whatever they will get hired over me no matter what i do#(at least that's how it usually works on my field)#in which case it doesn't matter if i do well in the interview or nah. bc the other person was always going to be picked for the job anyway#and yes one could say i can then be satisfied if i did my best but it's little consolation when i'm still unemployed!!#and so every time i apply for a job and get rejected it feels like a personal failure#and to avoid that feeling of failure i want to avoid applying for jobs altogether#so yeah. being active in job seeking is more likely to relieve me from this misery but job seeking is ALSO misery. so 🤷♀️#that on top of the fact i don't even _want_ to apply for all the open positions on my field#but i feel obliged to because it's what i have a degree on. and when i'm unemployed i don't have the luxury to choose which ones i apply fo#i can't afford to be picky#I DON'T DREAM OF LABOUR I JUST NEED MONEY TO LIVE BUT I ALSO DON'T WANT TO DO JUST ANY JOB! I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH FOR THAT!#i don't want to come home crying from work every day because i hate every single aspect of my life INCLUDING my job 😭#when this semester i actually HAD a job i didn't mind waking up to every morning 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#it's not fair it's not fair it's not fair#to conclude i don't deserve to enjoy myself in the summer because i'm not doing enough to fix my unemployement situation#(just like i don't deserve to feel sad about being lonely because i don't work hard enough to maintain deep friendships#but that's a crisis for another day! stay tuned ✌️)
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something something a fanfic in which Ian is best friends with Yevgeny and then he timetravel and falls in love with his best friend's father.
I like to think that in this version he was raised by Clayton cause Monica obviously couldn't, and canonlike she wasn't in the picture much. He then lives with his father, stepmother and siblings but doesn't quite fit with them. Yev was raised by Svetlana and never knew his father cause he left when Yev was a baby.
When Ian travels back he is saved by Mandy. He says he's a Gallagher and she's like "I know the Gallaghers but I never saw you!". He's introduced to his "cousins" who immediately take he in like a brother? Who he is cause of Monica.
Then because of Mandy he gets to know Mickey and younger Svetlana and baby Yev and it is extremely fucked but... my dick's in your dad mouth, sorry Yev!
Gallavich: they start as friends cause Ian quickly hits off with Mandy, and soon Ian gets to understand the difficult situation that led to Yevgeny's conception and why Mickey probably left them when Yev was still a baby. Then, feelings come along and Mickey's deep in the closet but Ian's nothing if open-minded so with time it works out. Ian doesn't lose interest even though Mickey has a wife and baby, he isn't scared off easily, and Yev Svet and Mandy all like him so that's a turn on. Ian likes older guys so the fact that Mickey's an old soul in a hot young body who listens to dad music and is grumpy is what attracts Ian.
The future is forever altered. Ian now actually has a family of Gallagher's he actually likes and fits. Ian came along so Mickey never left the picture and now Yev was raised with his father around. Which changed the way Yev grew up to be, so he's not the version Ian knew, but that's alright cause then Ian gets to meet him again. And yes, they end up being best friends all the same, after all, Yevgeny watch the type of cartoons and listens to the kind of music and plays the same videogames Ian grew up with so they're very close.
#How do time travelers solve the documentation issue? I'm not sure. there would have to be research in order to write this fic.#but if there was someone who would know how to help Ian it would be Svetlana. hello Russian illegal immigrant?#also. shes the first to find out hes not from there cause Ian knew older Svet but hes only now getting to know younger Svet and he#has absolutely no chill so she figures him out rather quickly and than he proves her right by revealing things she never told anyone before#eventually people have to know hes a time traveler but I like to think every time it happens is in a shitty situation totally non planed#and then theres doubt and he has to try and prove but! effect butterfly things wont happen as they happened before#like he will try and say “this actor will die this year” or “bitcoins are a thing” or “we'll face a pandemic" and... nope. never happens.#and then hes right about the most stupid useless but detailed thing like the whole plot of a movie thats not released yet or like. vaping.#stop im so funny. it will become a family joke thing like Franny and Liam will constantly listen their family say Ian's a time traveler and#and is it true is it a joke why everybodys so serious about it theyre totally messing with us#mickey gives a total of zero fucks i bet. now he gets why ian is the way he is like super optimistic and anxious and super open minded but#like. it changes zero things for him. good for u ian i guess. i would still love u if u were an alien or from another dimension of whatever#ian gallagher#mickey milkovich#yevgeny milkovich#svetlana yevgenivna#mandy milkovich#gallavich#ian x mickey#shameless#shameless us#og.#fic idea#honestly “fic idea” is like my best tag
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I think I’m always going to be running and trying to find the next thing that will make me happy and it will always be something I have to find within myself. So that’s cool.
#escape tag on the mind. thinking about getting up north and the joys of the road and then realizing I would have to start my life there. I#would still have to settle down somewhere and have a home#guy who wants to leave constantly and not be found but cant shut up and loves to leave evidence of themselves everywhere#love covering things in stickers love writing my name on park benches love leaving my mark on the world#but also. get me out of here and I need to get somewhere where the world feels bigger than my bedroom#cause Florida feels so suffocating rn like I have no where to go no where to be me to be happy to have friends to have fun#I feel so trapped in my room and my room feels so monotonous#idk what to do to change it cause im avoiding being miserable and the fear of failure is eating me alive so im not taking any hard chances#to move forward and it makes me want to throw up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#my mom randomly brought up sending me up north with like a six month budget plan or whatever and now idk if I should be looking for a job#that hard or not and idk what I’m doing and it’s freaking me out and I want to run away from everything#but I also would do fucking anything to be near my friends rn to feel like I can breathe when I go outside to be up north would fix so much#of my shit going on rn and even if it didn’t magically make me happy it would be so much easier for me to set roots (even temporarily) andi#can live month to month up there my mom pressures me so hard to have long term plans and it’s not what I need rn at all I need to focus on#short term shit and not get anxious about the big picture but my mom cannot shut up about the big picture and future steps and all this shit#and idk what’s real and what’s hypothetical plans and it’s so annoying and frustrating and I want to get my shit together but I also don’t#bc the world seems miserable but god I would so much rather be miserable up north with Millie near me than be miserable in the heat w my mom
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/ I say I do not like lb6 yet I have 4 characters that appear in it as muses
#;ooc#ooc#;delete later#OK NO BUT LIKE; THIS ISNT A 'i hate 'x' thing' :hangs up posters about it: MEME SITUATION#i genuinely think it was sooooo long and i understood less than half of it#i was BORED it was TEDIOUS#i legit only got to understand some characters through research separatedly bc i just couldnt get them??#maybe its my poor comprehension skills but#(and also the fact i think c.astoria is overrated) BUT ANYWAYS-#LIKE;; the idea on itself is not bad when u summarize it;; its just that it was#constantly packed with 554957458 specific lore things that u had to keep in mind for the story while being covered in fillery dialogue#+ extend it for a lot of chapters#so its also like; u cant really skip things bc u never know when they'll drop some foreshadowing or important thing to remember for later#-on in the story#and if u ask me; yes all lb's have fillery stuff but i dunno; i felt this one particularly stacked with other stuff#that just contributed in not making it that enjoyable for me to read#also my rather poor memory and short attention span could have contributed on it#i tend to :try: to look objectively at stuff but allow me to give my personal thoughts on it once (1)#/for my muts who arent into f.ate; lb means lostbelt and its basically like;; part of the story (?)#dont ask me about strict lore stuff im the least qualified for that like wtf is even going on anymore OITUROUITH
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know that if i ship a character with one incarnation of the doctor, it automatically extends to all of them. i can’t be held back.
#this is why war/river rotstes in my brain constantly#its like. this is the part of himself he drove out of his mind. out of his history. locked down so tight because he couldn’t look at it.#and so much of river is. so much of her she cannot look directly at. she can only use it. she was trained as a child assassin? then she’ll#use that to get herself out of any situation. because she couldn’t. once upon a time. she couldn’t. but she can now.#but that gravity well of the inescapable past that hurt you worse than anything ever could. they could find something there.#common ground. perhaps. and the war doctor is rough but he is not unkind.#he did not close his eyes and think of the children that would be lost and make the choice with a cold heart.#he could not save them on his own. and river could not be saved. but they must go on. they must.#and in the same way that river knows the doctor’s name. the fact that she carries a picture of this face alongside the others. that she#knows this part of him exists is important to me.#also she should get to kiss that old man#but mostly its about the shared understanding of how they were shaped into the person they are. the thing that would make someone look at#their past and decide they have to be Other than a person. an oncoming storm. or a psychopath. because how can you be just a person and live#with what happened to you. better to give yourself a word for others to view you as. rather than let them see something you didn’t plan for.#there’s much to dig into here i swear im not insane
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taecho a/b/o au where I am an alpha taehyung is omega and he is making me go like this
with his perfect perfect perfect lean toned long fleshy smooth silky soft perfect perfect body he probably smells like earth and ocean and honey and musk and strawberry and caramel and vanilla and my alpha needs to claim him so bad im going to bite him not just his neck I need to bite his thighs and arms but I will bite his neck and give him my mark and I will.breed him
military wife alpha era
#dont unfollow me#im on drugs and my kpop boys are going to war#also. no never mind no I think its mostly the drugs. affecting me#i was going to say something else but#its the drugs#like yeah I coming down with something most certainly (everyone in my household is sick and my throat is sore) and im getting like six hour#of daylight#but none of those things are anything compared to the drugs in my system my bloodstream#I think I would rather live my life without this#even if I am too inactive#too ineffective#too slow and useless and unproductive#than this speeded thing#im gonna rawdog life and#it will stop the euphoria I have rn also#but I think its better anyway#because . idk why#just . this is weird#it feels like im constantly falling off something#like im flying but im going down#and im not crashing its just the sensation of falling down#and its like . cool. I guess#like being drunk#sorta#but#its not#me#i dont think my brain is wrong...#I would rather it be wrong in its natural state than wrong like this#im not able to focus now anyway. not on reading or anything liek that
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You ever think about how like
No matter how mad she is at him, how mean she is to him, or how much she wants him to go away, Kaito still wants nothing more than to protect Miu at all costs
And then part 6 happens, and Kaito's being a downright brat, but Dracmon—
They really are two halves of the same soul.
And I'm very happy that at least in the truthful route, Dracmon knows that Kaito cares for him just as much.
#digimon survive#digimon survive spoilers#kaito shinonome#dracmon#although like#specifically in the context of the harmony route#words cannot express the emotional damage it causes me knowing that dracmon was 100% serious about seeing Kaito as a brother#like that's not just his partner#that's his little bro#and he feels the same way about kaito that kaito feels about miu#he never ever wants to see him suffer and would do anything if he thought there was a chance it could make him happy#literally the fate of two worlds is not half as important to him as his precious partner#the fact that in spite of everything they still loved each other so much until the very end makes me insane#even if Kaito was a stupid idiot and didn't realize it until too late#dont think i dont constantly think about how even when he pissed at the whole world#kaito was NOT mad at dracmon and explicitly said he didn't blame him for what happened#or how when he died it wasnt like oh i wanna save the world or even oh i gotta protect my friends he just#couldnt stand the idea of dracmon being forced to do something he would never want#and as soon as he was in his right mind would l i t e r a l l y rather die than let that happen#their bond from start to finish in every single route is so fucking special#i know there are typos in these tags and i dont have the energy to fix them#you know what im trying to say#dracmon is THE best character in digimon survive
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i can feel myself sinking down into something i haven't felt in a while and i hate it.
#nothing is wrong#why am i like this#im fine#but im not#im not fine#if im not constantly distracted i sink further and further down into the oits of my mind#and i hate it there#everything i cant stand thinking about is there#i want it to go away#bugs junk#i need help but id rather rip out my hair than share this shit with anyone#i made that mistake twice#two too many times.
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.... I feel bad bc my friend is sad ) :
#miranda talking shit#I feel a bit guilty too... I think thabks to my meds i am taking this better than normal but yeah#Fabian and me have only like spoken twice over the past month or two? Which is not much#Considering we have basically talked almost daily for years (a minimum at once per week) ...#The irony is that he implied that he was too big of an part of my life before we had this ... Break#... But as far as i know the few friends he have... Are the ones we have in common. Two irl friends . And me#Hes .... Been feeling lonely. He is now. He wants to talk to people etc and im like ): ...#I... Like oliver said 'i think fabian takes solitude a lot harder than you do. He does mind being alone' and yeah...#I think i may have unintentionally made him rely on me rather hard for socializing... For years hes basically only been in my social 'hot'#Zone. And now he have ended up in my 'cold' zone for the first time for this long... Like oliver said i dont mind solitude.#I grew up playing pretend on my own 80% of my time at home. Now i can get in isolation periods where im focusing on a video game#And literally not... Talk to anyone for a month or more. Then i talk to someone again and i realize i had been lacking social time but i#Dont actively... Feel it. I only get lonely at night badly id like to share bed with someone. But ... Yeah. Fabian is probably used to#Getting all this attention from me constantly and now im... Not providing it. Bc im focusing on other people socially...#I said im glad he shared feeling lonely with me and that i am here for him etc but...#I feel like ive failed him. Is failing him. Idk... I know its not my fault and so on but... My social... Functions have many downsides#I probably make people feel very special. I love to listen and ask about everything and encourage them and such. But then i can just stop#Talking for a long period of time and its .... Its never intentional but its how ive always been. Its why ive always kept to having like 3#Friends up until becoming an adult and now jts... Its hard. I love many people and i want to give them as much of me as possible at a time#So instead of dividing myself to everyone always... I give one or two people all my attention at a time
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i also this other super idea thats really fun n i like but its not really something i want to write like as of rn, anyways. i want to explore the idea more first — like its more like. started anyways (17.09) as how could i get this character into this trope (wearing this thing they wouldnt usually personally in my mind) and i do like the general direction im heading it but im not completely satisfied with it but i really like the idea so mch its there in my mind when i think of super wips ahaha. like! i wanna poke at it more!!!!!
#25th aug#august 2024#like i do this big ass wip au too that i have been building on and will probs never write and are in my mind constantly but it isnt…#really a fic thing but more like a SUPER self indulgent thing that i like to fantasise write rather than Actual write#but who knows. i mighht actual write
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Omg yesterday at my moms therapy I said how well I had been doing and feeling like I can actually handle life and my mom was immediately like “that’s because you’ve been taking your meds regularly again” and like completely brushed off any progress I had actually made and I had to be like yeah totally that’s it that’s why exactly when I haven’t taken my meds for a week straight in idk how long
#I was like yup totally that sure is why I’ve been feeling good totally#not at all that I’ve been spending time to do things I like and journal and process my feelings in healthy ways or that I am consciously#making strides towards regular person sanity#and she fucking brought up adhd meds again like FUCK OFFFFFFF HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY I DONT WANT TO TAKE THEM BEFORE IT CLICKS#I. DONT. WANT. TO. TAKE. THEM. they are a tool in MY mental health toolbox bitch back off my toolbox I know you fucking live adhd meds and#won’t shut up about them but I am happy now and I don’t like my brain on adhd meds and the only reason you want me on them is because you#like me more when I’m doing stereotypically productive tasks so you’d rather have me cleaning the house and not doing the shit I love than#you would have me not taking my meds and making art and writing poetry#like god#she just doesn’t fucking get it#I cannot create when I take adhd meds. that part of my brain just like dissolves.#the way I work is that constantly I have a million projects on the back burner in my mind and when I get inspired I make one#when I take my adhd meds I can’t just pick up a fun project I don’t get those ideas I can’t write poetry I can’t make art it’s like it sever#severs the line between my creative mind and my regular mind and I have nothing in my life that I need to be THAT focused on right now#but I have my perscruption still! like if I ever need it it’s there but that’s not your fucking decision that’s mine and you need to back#off my brain because it is a delicate fucking ecosystem up there in my head and I’m not going to fuck with anything until I have to#god. sorry. went on a bit of a rant. I am just so sick of arguing over my mom wanting to control the way I medicate myself. I am an adult#and she is not inside my brain so she needs to listen when I tell her how things affect me#she takes adhd meds like twice every day and hates the feeling of not being on them but I just don’t like them and she won’t fucking drop it#okay I am getting mad about adhd meds and my mother right before I have to be in the car with her all morning i need to relax#we’re going to psychic we’re gonna have fun#we’re not going to argue about this again.
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