#I just needed to vent into the ether of Tumblr

[undefeatednils]

It's nice to have friends where you don't totally feel like an intruder when you're staying at their place xD

[curioscurio]

Vent post under read more- general cw

It sucks because I'm doing so much hard work to move past my trauma in therapy, but all of it keeps getting undone by the sole fact that I still live with my parents and the house they abused me in. every day when I come back from therapy I have to face the same people who did these horrible things to me, and I have to pretend that I didn't just relive every smack, whipping, or emotional abuse all over again. I have to come home to them. I'd ebeg but I genuinely don't feel like I deserve it without giving any kind of reimbursement. I've tried taking on more commissions but I can't ever finish them and half the time they end up with a full refund in addition to half finished art as well. genuinely makes me feel like a scammer accepting commisions and not knowing if i could finish them. i dont accept commissions anymore and it's still barely made me any income. people halfway around the world steal my art all the time and make bank. If I could even afford to table a convention I KNOW that I'd be able to start making money but I can never save up enough money at once to get a spot let alone the money needed to make merch in the first place. but whatever. whatever whatever whatever. until one of us dies or changes their minds I guess all I can do is say whatever.

[sendpseuds]

just finished nearly 6000 words of straight smut and suddenly feeling very insecure about writing the other two perspectives...

[monster-noises]

It is.... Difficult

To have something you would very much benefit from releasing steam about on your tumblr blog

Just y'know.. to take the edge off

Help you keep your head on straight cause you could get some of it Out of you

But you..m Can't

for;;; Various Reasons

Gotta find new and different ways to expel your feelings (haven't found any Yet, but you never know)

[lets-try-some-writing]

I've been meaning to write up something like this for a while, but I didn't have the confidence to do so for fear of sounding selfish and or ungrateful. So before I begin, let me say this now. I appreciate every single one of you lovely people who have taken the time to read, like, reblog, or comment on my work. It has been a joy to see my efforts appreciated and I adore the fact that my work has given others such inspiration and entertainment.

Now with that said, I will be taking a step back from Tumblr for the time being.

I will still pop by and reblog things and perhaps write things over the weekends if I feel like it, but beyond that I intend to try and hang back for a while. I will post things that I've been working on and keep updating my favorite AUs as I feel the motivation, but I won't be involving myself with requests as much. The reason why I am doing this is partially because my life is about to get rather hectic, but also because I've found myself feeling underappreciated here. I love to write, but writing has become both a coping mechanism and my work all at once. I want to make something that will inspire and let me know that it has inspired. I spend all day studying and writing helps me calm down after a long day. It's a comfort, one that I felt like sharing the bounty of.

But after being here for almost... two years now? I suppose I am just a tad upset. I put an extraordinary amount of effort and time into my work, and I hate to see the things I put so much passion and love into get glanced over and ignored. Writing has consumed me in a way, and as much as I love it, unless I am going to earn something from my efforts here, I am finding it hard to keep going. The things I really want to write more for are not seen, and my notes show that things I found very little joy writing are the things that get the most interaction. This isn't to say that I am not grateful for those of you that have looked over what I make, but I feel as though I am screaming into the void most days I post here. My work dies in its cradle because Tumblr itself doesn't seem to promote reblogging fanfiction.

I get more interaction with one chapter over on Ao3 than I do over here for over twenty posts. I find more fulfillment with one well meaning comment there because at least I know that my work will be saved and it will be found by others one day. Here though? Things vanish into the ether as quickly as they came into being. So yeah, this is my little vent post. I am going to take a little break and step back as much as I feel the need to. The desire to please isn't healthy for me.

Thank you for reading this, please stay safe and hydrated. My inspiration be with you in your craft.

[voxofthevoid]

Your followers on tumblr must be 100+ right? Clearly, you don't need to beg for attention. Even if you didn't have that many followers, that bitch is bitter and lonely. How pitiful.

A lil higher—it's 3000+, at present 💖

A good bunch are inactive blogs though. I've been here for a decade, and many of my older followers or mutuals have vanished into the ether. There's both accumulation and attrition, especially because this is my personal blog rather than a fandom-specific one: everything goes into the same pot, and not everyone will be into the resulting soup, but some people will stick around well after I've dropped what they initially followed me for (hello, all my MCU followers and mutuals...)

But yeah, I am certainly not starved for attention in any sense 😂. This does make it absolutely hilarious whenever someone tries to pull the "you're just doing this for attention" card on my vent posts. I'd just post porn or a hairy leg when I want attention—y'know, the good, fun kind. The bullshit in my comments just pisses me off to nuclear levels.

In all fairness though, most such "accusations" I've had hurled at me here and on Ao3 are from people whose Bully Handbook only seems to have covered harassing people with low self-esteem (about themselves, their writing, their life situations). Low-hanging fruit all the way. That's a fucking vile tactic, and it hurts vulnerable people immeasurably, but it's kinda useless here.

[mrsandypants]

I just need to vent spontaniously. Nothing bad though! Just needed to scream to the ether. 😂 Plus it has been literally ages since I've actually done so on tumblr. High key you can just ignore this post!

I feel like I've missed all of the things on Tumblr this past month or so. Need to catch up on everything now that I have time. I'm already in a tizzy about iKON and TAN coming to Atlanta. Like you bet I'm going to see those kings. My wild idol boys and stage legends. Ooof. So deep in my feels about that as is.

Drama wise, I feel like I've missed *all* of the sets, so feel free to share anything really. After loosing Moonlight Chicken / HIStory 5 and My Beautiful Man 2, I started just mass watching too many currently airing shows to make up for the empty space. Regret. Put a few on hold. A bit too overwhelmed there. Pfft.

Boys Planet is airing as well and I'm already in my feelings about who will likely be booted next round... Not feeling super confident about a few of the boys... On the other hand, a lot of my favourites are in the top 20. So fair enough. What can you do...

As for SF9, Jaeyoon is enlisting in less than 2 weeks, but that boy has been on youtube livestreaming nearly every day, I swear. Less than 200 days now until Inseong comes back and nearly 200 for Youngbin as well... So that's nice... I just don't love how in his feels Zuho has been lately. Makes me antsy for the future of Sepgu. I *am* however *VERY* excited for his special stage this weekend~! Love that he is asking Taji to chant for all of the boys so he feels less alone. Like someone hug him. I love the crud outta Juho...

Oh! And Caratland is this weekend!! 3 days is so much money though. Like I am far too poor for this right now. I love Seventeen but lovelies, I've no money if I'm trying to see iKON and TAN... Pfft. I need to see the unit changes though. That's quite possibly the best part of caratland. I need it in my life.

But anyways, ranting over. Sorry about the essay. Just needed to get it all off my chest. That and I miss a lot of you over here. Many hugs.

[iamearthangeluk]

it's been a while

i'll be turning 30 this year. i haven't been on tumblr since i was 15 and it is satiating the inner child in me. maybe i'll correct my grammar btu who fucking cares. it feels so good to be here again.

hello tumblr. you're going to like having me around again.

i've come back with 14 years of wisdom, of pain and beauty. i've needed this space to vent to you and God it feels good.

i don't care where anything goes, and unlike most of this fucked up world, i don't care if anyone reads it or cares about it. it's just me and you now. hello again.

i feel drunk it feels so good. hearing the tapping on the keys. the words spilling out of me as if no thought is ever needed. like i'm possessed by the spirit of art.

Art is a lie that makes us realize the truth." - Pablo Picasso

should i add a hashtag? no that's what the new plague of capitalism wants me to do. it wants me to suckle on the teet of recognition, of searching and yearning for others like me. there is no one like me and i will never find them. and i love it. i love being so disgustingly misunderstood and so rejected. so ignored. so hated and hurt. i'm so thankful for that pain. i'm so grateful for the art. i'm here again. i've missed you.

when i was 15 i couldn't give too shits if anyone saw what i wrote, if they even got a like. and here we are in this world of "look at me, look at me" it makes me sick.

i'm going to hide here for a while. just me and the words i won't speak just yet because how can i speak the same words i write? you can't do that. it's impossible. if i read this aloud it would take away the point of it all. it would become mundane and lifeless. much like the shit spilling out of social media. much like the brainwashing of others that make them create daily posts, add hashtags and strip ourselves bare of any reality of ourselves. who is even real anymore? am i?

i've delved into the darkness so many times and many have said it's not healthy. go get therapy. never will i ever. i will never shave away the pain because i like the way it feels. i like to stare it straight in the face like a friend i fucking love to hate. like a persons face you can't stop staring at because the feeling it gives you is so beautifully disturbing. because i know, deep down, i want to. it's a part of being human.

i can scream what i want from the rooftops in here.

[my space key is squeaking joyfully]

anything is art these days - the days of Pablo Picasso and Frida Kahlo are well and truly over but art does live on. it lives on in the people that will never be found. people that are stifled and lost. people like me. maybe i will be famous after i die. maybe my words will be found amongst the data that keeps on piling up. when will it all break down?

i write in notebooks, on paper, i paint on canvas. i sing to myself. i bake. i smoke cigarettes and walk around naked. my body is art. my sheer existence. my beingness.

no one will innerstand my inner desires that play with my inner demons. i am with God and He innerstands my need for pain, for darkness, for demons. He accepts me as i am because he knows the only harm i can cause is to myself but don't worry God, i'm here to play, to live. although many times in my life, i wanted nothing more than to cease to exist, for Him to take it all away, even the spirit that connects me to the ether. i wanted someone to care, to love me, to see my dead body and to regret everything they ever did to me. but now i couldn't give a shit. i wish there was a harder swear word to encapsulate my feeling towards not wanting attention. not wanting love or acceptance. i don't want to be seen. i want to be left alone with all my personalities to create and to laugh alone in the open space. to scream at the horizon. i am free in this moment. who knows how long it will last but i'm here.

welcome back to the living.

[cutedumbwiseyoung]

i need to vent

i havent "been" on tumblr in years, but this used to be my safe space. and maybe now im just calling into the void, but god am i sad

i dont know. maybe i used to have a chance, maybe i never did. i just float through the ether of human existence and pray that it works out for me. do i pray to god? to the universe itself? to my loved ones who've passed? i dont know. i havent really sat down and prayed with any form of certain-ness in like a year. i feel guilty. i felt guilty even rebuilding my altar after moving houses, as if it selfish to think i even have a right to have these blessed items in my home since i dont pray regularly. god how i want to... but i dont want to bother anyone. i dont want to request that my existence be ignored for 20-30 minutes... i want to connect to god again, and i dont know how to anymore. maybe i never knew to begin with? im sad. im heartbroken. im young but my bones and joints are so old. my body hurts and my soul hurts and my mind hurts and i... i hurt. every part of me hurts, physical and metaphysical, mentally and subconsciously i am in immense pain always.

i got a promotion a couple weeks ago. i just finished training and the person im to take over for just finished their two week notice. i feel i will fail. i worry i will fail. im terrified. i deserve this promotion, i deserve the good it brings. or do i? i wonder so much. is the faith placed in me due to misjudgement, or am i actually worthy of some form of success? i cant think of anyone else who should have gotten this job but i also cannot believe i deserve it. i deserve to rot, to suffer, to be afraid always... or do i? is this just human existence? is it mental illness? will i ever know? i have no idea.

based on those around me, this isnt normal. but how truthful are they? im sure weve all begged for support and been completely missed in that request. right? its normal to say "im doing poorly" and to hear "make sure your partner is doing ok!"... what about me...? yes im worried for them, but everything i said was about how poorly i am doing, and how much i need support.

i guess its just funny, how much i struggle. i dont mind it being funny. i have always struggled, and i dont think ill bother stopping any time soon. it'd be beneficial to everyone else if i did though. but in the meantime, my friends can giggle at my cries for help because even seeing the words on the screen cannot portray my desperation.

i have been sad for 10 years this autumn. i've tried it all; therapy, meds, sexuality/gender exploration, self-affirming surgeries, moving locations, drugs, hobbies, career paths, friend group changes. at the end of the day i am, and always will be, pathetic.

and thats okay.

ill drink myself to death to be the life of the after party, and when the after party comes ill roll in my own grave

[koreliaa]

ahaha,,

so. ive decided to . be on tumblr ig. after years of having one and just lurking around looking at other people's stuff. bc I've just had this need to vent and put myself out there somehow. don't know what that's gonna be yet. anyways . the thing that put me over the edge is that a couple of days ago I had an art school exam. it was my second time applying and getting through the portfolio phase and I fled. I got so stressed out that everyone there was doing much better than I was so during the first of three exam days I just walked out and said to the lady that i give up. and then cried on my way back home. and I regret it so much but it's too late now. i know that u r never supposed to do that and you should fight until the end but I just couldn't do it. ig what I want to do now is just,, show myself that I am not a failure (even tho I am convinced that I am) so I'm gonna keep going somehow. maybe I'm gonna post some art here as to keep some accountability for myself . anyways I just needed to put this into the ether bc dumping this on my friends is no longer enough.

[rebel-runaway]

I need to be vulnerable for a sec & just throw this out in the ether!!! I can’t stop making myself sad bc I’m leaving NY in like 4 days & now that I’m out of my Prague bubble, I realize how good it is to be home & I’m enjoying these silly little American things that make me so happy & seeing my family & friends. That being said, I also feel old anxieties creeping in again & still this feeling of guilt whenever I leave, even though I know it’s what’s best for me.

On top of this (and I’m not sure why) I keep thinking about this boy I was seeing who really hurt me like 2 months ago. I’m just still upset with how he ended things btwn us & I don’t want to but I do miss talking to him & our conversations. I wish he could have let go of me a little softer. He’s just been on my mind so much lately, I can’t help but wonder if he’s thought about me at all since he left…

I just don’t know how to cope with all these feelings right now & tumblr still feels like a safe space for me to just vent a little. Hopefully I can reblog this in a couple months & see some more growth.

[strwberrytae]

So Long, Farewell, and Goodbye For Now -

“I don’t know how you are so familiar to me—or why it feels less like I am getting to know you and more as though I am remembering who you are. How every smile, every whisper brings me closer to the impossible conclusion that I have known you before, I have loved you before—in another time, a different place, some other existence.”     - Lang Leav

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Hello, You ♡ Yes, You. You ethereal, beautiful being. I am writing to you with bittersweet yet wonderful news - depending on the perspective. I am writing this post to inform all of you that I will no longer be writing for this blog for the foreseeable future. What I mean by that is that I am not giving up writing forever, no. But my life has changed so much over the last two years, I do not see myself writing again for quite some time. But don’t worry! I will be back!

Below the Read More section, I have poured my heart and soul into the real reasons why I’ve made this decision. I warn you, it’s lengthy but it’s everything that has led up to this over the years. So, if you fancy, have a read. If not, I bid you farewell and wish you all the happiness in the world. Thank you for supporting me so far. I truly appreciate it and love you all very dearly. Now, if you wish to read it at a later time, I will have a link available on my page at all times for anyone who is curious. It’s a hell of a story if you ask me ~

Edit: Made by Me - also, a surprise photo at the end Warnings/Triggers: Talks of emotional abuse, depression, and suicide but also happiness and love -

When I first started this blog, it was 2016. I had been on Tumblr for over a decade now but BTS led me to writing passionately for 2 years. I was incredibly active and utterly consumed by this website. Not just for the writing, but I was so obsessed because of my friends and mutuals that I made along the way. Can I just say that I’ve met some incredible people on this platform - including my best friend and soulmate? Truthfully, the absolute best friend I have ever had. But more importantly, Tumblr was my greatest escape. I mean this website truly has been my saving grace through very dark times.

In that part of my life, I was in an extremely toxic relationship; by then, it was 6 years I was with him. He was emotionally abusive, had such a short-fuse temper, hated everyone I knew which led me never really seeing any of my friends after college, knew I was anorexic and did nothing to stop me, knew I had depression since we started dating and always argued it as if it wasn’t real, crushed my dreams and ambitions, mocked potential suicide attempts, expected me to just abandon all hope to ever leave home to explore someplace new or get a job that I actually love. He was...just the worst. Never hit me though, so I’m grateful for that. But sometimes I wish he would so it would have given me the voice I needed to get out of that relationship much sooner than I did. But regardless, because of him plus having a soul-sucking job that wore me down to the core, Tumblr was my escape. BTS was my escape.

I fell hard and I fell deep. I created a fantasy world within this world. All of my dreams, fantasies, desires, and hopes were poured into my writing. My imagination was running wild. My activity was through the roof because I was always on here day in and out, just pretending like the outside world didn’t exist. It consumed me...but I needed it. Looking back, it was pretty excessive. At the time, I seemed perfectly normal because everyone else was just as active and saying the same things and doing the same things. I felt a belonging, like I fit in.

But I hated the person I became. It took me getting yelled at, mocked, ridiculed, and belittled by my ex to snap me out of that illusion I built and back into reality. That was the roughest night that we had filled with lots of screaming on his end and crying on my part. He thought my obsession was sick. He thought it was disgusting. It all started because he found fake texts I had made with Jimin and Tae. Don’t recall the story it was a part of but he thought they were texts with the actual members… In my eyes, I should get credit for making them look so legit but he didn’t see it that way. He thought fangirling over men was essentially cheating. No matter how hard I tried to explain, he didn’t understand. But a part of his view was right. I learned that I was a bit too much into it and I really needed to take a step back from Tumblr for a while. So I did. I deactivated my account and disappeared for months. Also because he made me and threatened our relationship if I didn’t. Should have taken the out but ah well.

Just two months prior to this incident, I attempted suicide. Well, contemplated. Everything was planned out. Bought a hotel room for Thanksgiving night as I was working a super late shift until about 1-2am. My commute home was an hour long and I still had to come back to work at 7am. So I got a room. Brought a large amount of pills with me and I was going to call it. No notes written to friends, family, or loved ones. Nothing. I was done. Didn’t think anyone would miss me. I just figured the world would keep turning without me. I had thought about doing this several times before but this was my first time making plans for it. It was my lowest of the low. But then I met someone that night that changed my life entirely just in a 10 minute interaction of talking - nothing special. We’ll get to that later. But this person just gave me hope and to this day, I still can’t explain it. It was euphoric. I felt clarity. It was in that night that I thought I might hold out just a little bit longer.

And thus @strwberrytae was born - but it was far from the same. At first, I restarted the blog in secret. Why would I do this? Why would a 25 year old open a blog in secret? Well, two months after the awful fight, my ex proposed to me and I said yes. I know. Believe me, I know. I was scared. My depression was getting worse again. I no longer had an escape except for books. All I did was read so I had some sort of reality to be in besides my own. But returning to a brand new blog did not give the same satisfaction as returning to an old blog.

I worked so hard on my first blog and this redo, I tried to consider it as a gift. Perhaps this was a chance to start anew and rebrand myself. This optimism kept up for quite some time. Slowly, I added my favorite past works then added some new chapters. If you’ve been here with me since 2017, you would know that my appearance on Tumblr was still not the same. Then I got married in October.

An empty, loveless marriage that I regret to this day. Needless to say, my writing and activity on Tumblr was still practically non-existent as I was still too scared of getting caught. Even though he finally gave me permission to use it again because he could tell how miserable it was making me. Yes, gave me permission. Thankfully, it all ended after a year. I finally went to a therapist even though I hated them so much and all past therapists I had. She was pretty great. Within five sessions, I summoned the courage to break up with this guy. I was finally set free. Nearly 9 years together and I finally felt like I could breathe.

Unfortunately, although I was free, I had to live with the guy for about 5 months after the breakup. Which was beyond rough, believe me. Imagine someone writhing in pain and bawling their eyes out and venting non-stop about all of their faults and wrongdoings every single day. At the end of the day, as shitty as he was to me, he was my best friend too. We went through a lot of shit together and he did have some good sides to him too. So witnessing this was horrendous. Needless to say, I wasn’t getting much privacy either. Writing was not my top priority. Now it’s 2019 and things changed drastically for the better - and worst.

Remember the person I met in 2016 on Thanksgiving night? Well, that person is someone I crushed on every since that night. For 2 years. People, I’m telling you. He did absolutely nothing special that night. He didn’t flirt with me. He didn’t check me out. He didn’t do anything remotely to make a girl swoon but I was so drawn to him. The only word that could describe it was “cosmic” - beautifully cosmic. 

Well in January 2019, 2 months following my break up, he came into my store one day. And my god did he look incredible. He was dressed head to toe in black - a fitted black suit at that. He even wore this long, designer jacket to match. Hair shaved on the sides with beautiful, thick dark hair on top. So tall - 182cm. A smile that could kill; quite literally. The canines are on point. He looked like a five course meal. That day, he definitely flirted with me. By the end of the week, we had our first date. Sadly, I also lost my job in the same week and was unemployed for a year because no one would hire me. I was laid off and one of my seniors took my job. Of course, they needed to keep me around for the holidays and then give me the boot. I was devastated. I hated that job so much as it only aided in fueling my depression but losing it was definitely an amazing thing. And! I survived on my savings and definitely didn’t spend my time writing. I had life to sort out last year - like from the ground up. No worries though. I got a job in February 2020 and I love it, so it’s all good, baby. Now I’m in the health field and feel like I’m actually helping people, which I love.

Now, here we are 2 years later and I’m engaged to the man.  Someone who makes me smile everyday, believes in me, encourages me, let’s me be 100% myself, travels with me, taught me how to love myself, taught me to accept my body, gets me on a level that only my best friend could, and someone who goes above and beyond every single day to show me how much he loves me. Bonus, he welcomes my love for BTS with open arms, reads my writing, AND has even been sucked in himself to the fandom. Jungkook and Jimin, look out. You got another fanboy. I thought true love was impossible for me but I was very, very wrong.

He has shown me that I can be happy and I have finally experienced true happiness. When people ask how I’m doing, I don’t cringe and lie through my teeth. I smile and say that I am doing well because by George, I am. Everyone around me has seen me over the last two years and made the comment, “you look so much happier”. They meet him and swoon just as much as I do. Is he perfect? No, he’s not. He has flaws just like everyone else but he actually grows and learns from his mistakes to better himself. That’s what amazes me the most. Even if we argue, which is seldom, he refuses to let it go without resolution so we can always fix whatever the issue is. As we like to call it, we’re in-sync. In everything, we’re always so in-sync. I’m wildly in love, my dudes.

So, why am I not writing anymore? To put it simply, I’m happy and don’t really feel the desire to write anymore - at least not fanfiction. Even when I was super young, like elementary school, I used writing as an outlet for my dark escape. I wrote poetry primarily and by middle school, it turned to fanfiction for Supernatural, Simple Plan, and Panic! At The Disco. Along with a very long list of other bands and shows but anyways. I’ve been severely depressed since I was 15 and fanfiction put me in this hole that I couldn’t get out of. I relied on this method to help me get through all the bad shit I was dealing with. It was my coping mechanism.

Now? While depression never truly goes away as the lovely disease that it is, I am genuinely happy. Because of this, when I opened all of my past works and works in progress, I felt nothing but guilt. Guilt for not keeping up with my chapters or keeping my account active. I felt dread to have to escape in this world that I had created. I felt no joy or excitement. It was the strangest feeling that happened all in a matter of seconds. Thus leading to my final decision to take a step away from writing. Do I still love it? Absolutely. But now I think I’m going to re-route and focus my writing on what I love - reality. I’m going to get back into journaling and write essays about love and beauty as I’ve always loved to do. But for escaping into a fantasy world? I don’t know when I’ll be back.

Now I know what you’re thinking. “But you can write and be happy!” Nah fam. Writing has been my aid through dark times and now I mostly associate it with those dark times. And for once in my life, I feel this desire to enjoy reality and remain in it - with the exception of journaling here and there. Even daydreaming is difficult. It’s strange. I love my reality. This sounds like gloating now but it’s truly a remarkable feeling. When you’ve been battling depression for 15 years, it feels really freaking nice to say that I’m happy.

So that’s why I’m taking a break - in a very long, drawn out way. But my hope was that after this long story, you might understand truly why I am doing this. It would have been easier to just say that writing doesn’t bring me joy anymore but I feel that I owe more than that; especially because I really don’t know if I’ll write for this blog ever again. The last time I took a break, I disappeared without being able to explain myself and I wanted to do so now that I have the chance.

Ultimately, thank you to everyone who has stuck by me over the years. It’s truly been one hell of a rollercoaster. The friends I’ve made on here have seen me at my lowest of the lows. But hey! I’ll still be around. I just won’t be publishing or continuing any of my works anywhere in the near future. Seriously though. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. This website has helped me tremendously and I’ll never forget it. Besides, there’s lots of other exciting things happening in my life now so you’ll certainly see me pop in here and there to talk about it ♡

If you wish, you can message me for questions or anything you want to know. I’m an open book - at least about most things hehe. And don’t worry. I still very much love Taehyung and still wildly obsessing over how marvelous he is. Umf.

(here’s some recent photos of me as i rarely take selfies anymore haha. and a derp photo of me and the man i love >_< why is the cutest photo of him with the worst photo of me? still cute though hehe)

[trainwreckedconductor]

((Kinda a mini-vent, so if you’re not open to something like this, turn back now. You’ve been warned.

So ah, I think I’ve finally figured out why I’ve been in such a funk with my writing as of late. Honestly, I think it’s all boiling down to my experience here. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had a ton of fun with the stuff I’ve done, but on the flip side of that, it doesn’t feel very fulfilling, so to speak. It’s hard to put to words, but it’s like, I feel like I haven’t been able to build any meaningful relationships with muses, and honestly that’s what’s been killing my drive to write.

While I love the kind of dash comm shenanigans as much as the next person, what I really love is writing long, in-depth stuff. For me, it builds character, and it builds relationships. I love thinking of deep or exciting plots for our muses to engage in, something that really tests their relationship... but lately, I’ve been having a really hard time finding someone who’s willing to meet me halfway on that. 

I’ve had a lot of really cool ideas that I’ve wanted to explore with people, but nine times out of ten, those really cool ideas I’ve thought of don’t get past the first or second reply. It sucks... and it’s been happening so frequently that nowadays when someone asks me to RP with them, it’s hard to think of ideas. I’m plagued with thoughts of “Why bother? It’s not going to go anywhere” and “Why should I waste all this time coming up with ideas if they’re never going to go beyond that: ideas?” 

Now, that’s not to say that everyone I interact with is like that, but it’s a vast majority that leave me hanging. I’ll put out a starter for someone, they reply once, then that’s the last I hear from them. Sometimes it’s a matter of partners only being interested in the plot for the few hours after we’ve come up with the idea, and for someone like me who doesn’t have a whole lot of free time, I can’t get more than a few replies in before I need to turn in for the night or go to work, and once that happens I may as well forget about the thread, because even if I reply, it’s lost to the ether.

I’m not putting this out to place blame on anyone, I just want you guys to know why it’s been so hard for me lately to write. Honestly, it could be that the RPC has changed since I was last involved in it. Maybe people are in the same boat as me and only have a few hours, so they’d prefer writing short bursts of stuff rather than something lengthy. Maybe it’s because of my writing speed that I can’t hold people’s attention for long. My mind has a tendency to move faster than my fingers, so I take extra time out to reread things and make sure everything makes sense.

I’ve pretty much accepted that I can’t partake in too many of the shenanigans anymore. I work full-time--on an off-shift, no less--and can’t usually get to the fun until several hours later when the moment’s already passed. But in the end, that kinda leaves me with... very little to work with. I can keep reblogging memes, but there’s only so many headcanon memes that I can reblog before you start hearing the same stuff from me on repeat. So it just... becomes too boring and a bit sad to come on here. I feel like more of a spectator anymore than an active participant, and that’s not why I come onto Tumblr. I want to have fun and enjoy what I do, and if I can’t find it on Tumblr, I’ll have to move on elsewhere.

So yeah, I may be putting this blog on a longer hiatus than I initially stated. I’d be more than happy to RP with peeps privately on Discord, but aside from that, I think it’s best if I step away from Tumblr for a while. If I’m not vibing with something, then it’s best to step away and look for something else.))

[thatadorkablegirl]

Since 2019 is coming to an end, I wanted to say a couple things:

So I made this tumblr account wayyy back in 2014 (holy shit that was 5 years ago wtf acndksm)

I actually wanted to delete this account this year since I wasn’t using it anymore. When tumblr added group chats, I wanted to see what the hype was all about.

Who knew that in the gcs I’m in I would’ve never guessed that I would meet such amazing people and that I’m happy to call my friends 🥺 Also going from 3 followers to 63 followers... holy shit (wtf y’all actually like my reposts jkjk anfndjdj)

Beware: I may or may not get sappy with these paragraphs so bear with me 😳👈🏽👉🏽

Here are a few people I wanna shout out:

@sweetchaos-yk NANA I LOVE YOUUU SOOO MUCH LIKE YOU DONT EVEN UNDERSTAND AKFNDNDND you are one of the sweetest people I’ve met in the gcs and I’m so so happy to call you my friend 💕 You’re funny, caring pretty, and you’re always the first one to send an infinite amount of hearts, love to everyone! Plus, your super supportive! I love talking to you and I hope we can talk more and I hope we’ll be friends for a long time. I hope to get to know you more too 💕❤️✨💖💜💗❤️💕💟✨✨💝💖💘💕💞💝✨✨💜💗🥺💖

@chippychee @defsigh FIRST OF ALL, YALL ARE ONE OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE I KNOW LIKE HOLY HELL okay so literally I love all of your crackhead nature to the point where I’m literally in tears at home reading messages 😂 also I love the fact that each and both of you guys have such a chill vibe to you that you’re both just loveable people from the get go. Everyone gravitates towards you both because you both have such a positive energy. Also I love how y’all can switch from being ultimate crackheads to being mature individuals too! ily my crazy,lovable boons! Hopefully I’ll get to know both of you a lil bit better in the future and I hope we stay friends too 👁👅👁🤟🏽❤️💛💚💙💓💞🤍💞💘✨💖💝💟❣️💜🤍✨💛❤️🖤

@lucyhasproblems @ethereal-bean MY SMARTY FARTY PANTS BOONS I love how you both are always there to help people who need advice.Like you both are so knowledgeable about almost everything and I’m always in awe when I read through your intellectual convos.I wish I can be like you guys akdnfjd Both of you are such wise individuals with bright futures ahead of you! I know it’s gonna be a long road ahead for you both but I wish nothing but the best in your career paths. I love you both with all my heart and I hope I can get to know you both better and stay friends too 💖💕💜✨💗🤧✨💜💕💚💜💖💜💚💚🤧

@sanownsmyheart BISH YOU ALREADY HEARD WHAT I HAD TO SAY BUT IMMA SAY IT AGAIN AKDNFJDJ Soo first of all I would’ve never guessed that we would be friends the first time we talked tbh but I’m super happy that I got to know you more and I just wanna say that I love you girl and you know if you wanna talk I’m here for you no matter what. Also don’t bring yourself down when things get tough, I know me saying that doesn’t really help much but just remember there’s always someone out there who’ll listen to you 🥺🤧❤️

@hell0stupid @dondielonie1 @wikihoeofgot7 @smoltrashcanfuk MY AHGASE BABES 🤧💚 First I just wanna say I love each and every single one of you even if we don’t know each other that well (feel free to message me or send gifs 🗿 to start a convo with me I don’t mind!) y’all make me soo happy when we’re talking or thirsting over the boys Who knows maybe one day we’ll all go to their concert together 🥺🤟🏽💚✨

And to all my new friends/mutuals I don’t know too well @honeymoon-changb @homeiswhereyoustoreyourlove @qtsoftie @henloimawierdobye @incoherent-piece-of-trash @fandom-queen-aka-trash @yeomjoo @nakamowoto @yeetyouhoes @sakurasangcl @bubbleskwan @chanswish @atinywoozi @aceforeverz @applejwoos @candle-lit-stars @stars-of-the-rainbow @cartier-co @forcing--happiness @gay4nct @iiasha @junhui @jihoonspout @kpopshennanigans @mindofthescattered @nubluko @veckvontour @fandomshavecollided @bbinie (and everyone else that I may have forgotten) I LOVE AND APPRECIATE EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU AND I HOPE I GET TO KNOW YOU GUYS/GALS BETTER 🥺🥺✨❤️💜💚✨💕💗💜✨💕💖✨❤️💜 Even though I may not be as close to any of you yet, I hope I could change that! I’m always open to have a convo so please feel free to dm me, text me, message me, etc. because I want to get to know you better. Don’t feel pressured that you have to message me or anything, do whatever you are the most comfortable with! Also if you need someone to rant/vent to I’m always here for you 😊✨💕💞💕💖✨💜💞💚❤️💘💝💚❤️❤️💖✨✨💞❤️

This year was absolute s h i t especially since this year was the year my depression was getting the best of me and I was very close to not being alive and typing this rn.

But with the help of all of you (both close or not) I want to say I thank each and every single one of you for just being you and being accepting of lil ol me! I appreciate the love and support you all have given me and I’m being serious 🥺🥺🤧🤧

If you think that you can’t help out or support anyone in life think about this you helped one person think about everything else except dying...this gal 🤧❣️ I know 2019 was a hard year for most of us but I hope that 2020 is a better year for not only our mental health but I hope it’s filled with love, positivity, opportunities, good vibes, and also seeing through the negative energy and bullshit that people may say or do as well.

I LOVE YOU ALL AND I HOPE EVERYBODY HAS AN AMAZING AND PROSPEROUS 2020 💙💗💚💓🧡💞💘💛💕❣️💓💗💝💟💕💝💞❣️💟💟💛💘💘💚💙💗💜❣️💕💕💟💗💓💕🤍🖤💟❤️💛💝💙💗💛💗🖤🤍💝💖💕💓❤️💛💚💚🤍💜💜💕💓💓💕💕❣️💜🖤🧡💚💚🤍💓💞💝💖❣️💞🖤🤍🤍🖤🤍💞💚💚🖤🖤💛💝❣️💓💞🧡💟💟✨✨💟💘🧡💓💓❣️✨💓💞💜💓✨💟💟💞❤️💖💜✨💜💓❣️✨💟💟✨✨✨💖💖❤️💝💕💟🖤🤍💙🤍💓🖤💕❣️💘✨💖❤️💝💚💜❤️💖❣️💘💓🤍💛💙✨💜💜💝💝💕❣️💘💛💓🖤🤍💛💟💞💝💘❣️✨💖❤️💜💞💚💞💝💞❤️💞❣️❣️✨💟💟💟✨💜💖💗💗

[smileyoongle]

Come Back Home (A Kim Taehyung Mafia AU) // Part 4

I'm back to give you an update on your favourite angsty fic with an angsty chapter. This chapter is probably not that interesting but it is interesting. Just saying, it's gonna be a rollercoaster from now. So let's get it?!

Summary: You were dead. Or at least that's what Kim Taehyung thought. But love never dies. A myth, yes. And maybe that's why when he finds out that you are alive, he may have already lost you.

Pairing: Mafia!Taehyung×Reader

Your head rested on the window of Yoona's car, the urge to just close your eyes and fall asleep growing more and more unbearable. But you couldn't. Or at least you didn't want to.

That man's face kept flashing in your mind and you couldn't forget the adoration and longing with which he looked at you. Moreover, the warmth that had spread in your chest was very suspicious to you. It became obvious that you knew him and you definitely had a deep relationship with him.

You glanced at Yoona, wondering if you should ask her everything. But she didn't seem very fond of that ethereal man. She seemed to hate him.

"Who was he?" You blurted out, frowning as the words left your mouth before you could even contemplate them. Yoona glanced at you with a frown before turning her eyes back to the road.

"Who do you mean?" She asked.

You shivered a little, pushing yourself further into the leather seat for any kind of warmth. But you were wrong. It was cooler than you expected. With a hiss, you turned the AC vent away from you and settled back comfortably.

"The man you were talking to. Who was he? What's his name? Does he know me?" You bombarded her with your questions. But it wasn't your fault that your stupid brain seemed to be having problems with its memory file.

Yoona tensed in her seat, gulping as she cleared her throat and tried to focus on driving. She didn't expect you to ask her many questions yet. Especially not about him. She was pretty mad at you for even going to him but it wasn't your fault. You were a saint who saw the good in everyone.

Clearly, Castillo hadn't done a very good job at trying to make you forget who you are.

Yoona gritted her teeth and mentally slapped herself for even thinking that. No. She absolutely hated everything that you had to go through. And Taehyung was the only one to be blamed. Unfortunately, she knew you loved Taehyung a lot. That's right.

Loved.

"His name is Kim Taehyung. A mafia leader. He sells drugs, owns a number of clubs around the country and kills people who meddle in his affairs. He simply saved you." Yoona stated, feeling satisfied with her words. It's not like she was lying to you anyway. One way or another, you were gonna find out everything. So why not now?

Your eyes widened and you immediately felt scared.

Mafia leader?

Kills people?

"And no, he doesn't know you."

Yoona's words left you a little bruised. You didn't know why but you felt bad. Bad that he didn't know you.

No, Y/N. Get yourself together. He's bad news.

You told yourself, taking in a deep breath to keep yourself calm and composed. If anything, you should have been feeling grateful that you were away from him. He was dangerous and it was a miracle that you had been saved. Your face pulled into a scowl as you remembered the small letter you had given him. You were so embarrassed. He must be laughing at you.

With a sigh, you crossed your arms and closed your eyes, willing yourself to sleep until you reached your destination.

💔🖤💔🖤

The whiskey burned Taehyung's throat but he poured himself another glass. If he was going to get you back, then he had to learn to live without you. And that could only happen if he was drunk and lost in his dreams. The piece of paper lay in front of him on the black table, the words constantly making Taehyung's heart jump with joy.

"And what would Y/N say if she saw you getting wasted like this?" A voice said from behind him. Taehyung rolled his eyes and turned around, glaring at Hoseok who was also glaring at him. With a small smirk, Taehyung brought the filled glass to his lips and downed the liquid in one go, his eyes never moving away from Hoseok's face. It was clearly a challenge.

"She won't say anything cause she isn't here." Taehyung shrugged, placing the glass on the table with a little too much force.

Everyone was aware of how you hated it when Taehyung consumed alcohol. He was an addict before you had come into his life. You had truly saved him from becoming a monster and everyone was grateful to you for that. But now, Hoseok couldn't help but worry. You weren't here anymore and Taehyung was definitely gonna lose his mind if you didn't come back.

Hoseok sighed and shook his head, taking a step forward to place his hand on Taehyung's shoulder.

"Tae, you cannot do this. You know she'll be back soon. She remembers you. Why else would she give you that?" Hoseok nudged his chin towards the paper on the table. Taehyung glanced at it over his shoulder before turning back to Hoseok.

"I'm not doing what you think I'm doing. It's just a one time thing. I know she'll be back. Don't worry about me." Taehyung stated with a frown and removed Hoseok's hand from his shoulder.

Without a word, he grabbed the bottle of liquor and the letter before heading towards his study. Hoseok could only hope that Taehyung wasn't going to spiral down. Afterall, a broken heart can only get you so far.

💔🖤💔🖤

You cautiously stepped inside the decent sized house, your eyes wandering around it's interiors in curiosity. You had been here before but things had definitely changed a lot.

Yoona placed your bag on the floor before closing the door behind her. She smiled and placed a hand on your shoulder.

"Welcome home!" She sang, making you smile. The warmth of the house was nice. It made you feel good. You glanced at the staircase on hearing the sound of footsteps, your eyes narrowing as you guessed who it could be.

You knew him since you knew Yoona. You got along with him pretty well from what you remembered. But you weren't so sure anymore.

"And here he is!" Yoona exclaimed as soon as her brother's face came into view. You gave him a small smile while he grinned at you.

"Finally! I was waiting for so long." He said and pulled you into a hug. You chuckled and hugged him back, relishing in his soft hold.

"Minho. It's good to see you again!" You replied, pulling away after patting his back gently. Looking closely, you could tell he had become much more handsome since you last saw him. His brown hair was slightly tousled, which somehow didn't make him look bad. His green eyes sparkled as his pink lips pulled into a big smile. This was the person who you once adored.

"Let's get you settled in. And then you can spend time with your boyfriend."

You immediately turned your face to look at Yoona.

Boyfriend?

"What?" You asked, amused at the whole situation. In return, Yoona winced and rubbed the back of her neck sheepishly. She didn't know if she should do this to you but you needed to be saved. Yoona only wanted you to be happy. And she could ensure that only if you stayed with her.

"Sorry. I should've said this in a better way. But yeah. Minho and you have been dating for years now."

Suddenly, a piercing pain shot through your head. You screamed and fell to the floor, clutching your hair as tears formed in your eyes. You gasped as your lungs felt like they were being constricted. All the noise faded into a buzz and white dots danced across your vision. You placed your hands on the floor to steady yourself. You could feel someone's hands around you but the pain in your head intensified. Your body felt like it was on fire and you couldn't fight it anymore. With another gasp, you closed your eyes and your body went limp.

Taglist: @min-t-posts @annoyinglyunabashedangel @bringitseijoh @kpopgirlbtssvt @unppleased @shadowstark @bangtanniexxx @wendyiiwl @imlostindarkness @bvbsins @jazzytfw @lovestrucked-again @hopetookmysoul @angelwolfexorcist @taes-strawberry @ireallylikefoodandyoutube @annoyingpessimist @hajimaoppaa @atwoodscott @kawaiimusiccollection @byeolizzie @sleepysavya @somewhereinthestarss

So you can see I'm having trouble tagging some people 😭

Tumblr is always so salty. Anyway, tell me if you wanna be tagged? And also, sorry for the short chapter. I'll give you a longer one next time! Bye!!

-XX

[koholinthibiscus]

My Tumblr Journey and mental health

What the hell is this?  Where am I? What do I do and how do I do it?

You often hear of people getting to their 30′s and feeling more comfortable in their skin and just owning, accepting and loving themselves.  Well, maybe it’s because I need psychotherapy, and maybe it’s because I’ve come into adulthood in a period with huge economic and political upheaval as well as a pandemic; but I don’t feel that way.  I feel simultaneously old and young.  clueless about young things (like tmblr) and clueless about old things (like mortgages... even though I have one) 

I’ve deleted Facebook and use twitter sparingly these days so the reason joined this site is to purely vent.  To write my thoughts out and send them into the internet ether to languish, probably ignored.  But just getting it out might make all the difference to my physical and mental well being so I’m just going to give it a shot and see where things go. 

I feel terribly alone and isolated.  I have a type of social anxiety that you probably wouldn't notice.  You might just think I’m an idiot or a bitch.  You might barely acknowledge my existence.  I’m pretty average so I may not register.  But when I’m done talking I will think and think and think about it.  How did I come across?  why the fuck did I say that?  You think I’m a fucking idiot don’t you?  I will simply torture myself forever and ever.  And I avoid social interaction, especially with new people, as much as I can.  I can just about manage in a workplace setting but all my energy for this is taken up with that. 

I feel unheard, unseen and unsatisfied.  I feel a lump in my throat and a weight in my chest.  I feel exhausted and headachey most of the time.  I can’t bear this current situation.  I have a visceral hate for my country.  I can’t bear sad news.  I can’t cope with news that implicates humans as ignorant, unsympathetic, inhumane creatures.  I feel deep sadness at the existential threat our planet faces and confusion and sadness when I realise that barely anyone in my real life feels the same urgency and guilt.  I have changed my lifestyle (probably not enough) to try and alleviate the guilt but it hasn’t worked.  

So I get into things to try and distract myself; fandoms, stories, subjects, video games, novels and I feel sad about it because I feel useless “not good at it” or that they’re a waste of time.  I hate myself so much that my hobbies make me sad. How stupid is that?  I’ve recently been getting into DnD during lock down and watching critical role.  I enjoy it but it makes me sooooo sad and jealous that I don’t have a strong friend group like that who can enjoy playing DnD with the same level of fun, ease and camaraderie.  It literally hurts my heart and I’ve been feeling weird for days.  So I’ve tried to make myself better by consuming things.  I’ve bought a new set of dice and bought some unrelated books.  

I skip from one subject or thing to the next feeling unsatisfied and discontent.  I don’t practice things, I don’t finish things.  I give up. And I feel like I’m giving up at life. I am lazy and stupid.  My hobbies, likes and interests feel like a plaster over a gaping wound and was working but it’s not any more. Getting lost in a fantasy world just makes me feel sad I can’t create my own or be with a group of friends, either on line or on person where I can create together. 

I am petrified of parent hood.  I have an amazing 3 year old.  She is a marvel. But I have a constant dread of failing her. Doing too much, doing too little.  I want her to strive for happiness.  Take on hard things, work at things till she’s good at them, whatever it may be.  I honestly don’t care what as long as she enjoys it, has a passion for it and is ultimately happy.  I want to push her, but I don’t want to push her too much.  I worry about sending wrong messages.  I worry about not doing enough with her.  I do not want to bring her up the way that my mother brought me up. I am terrified of repeating the same mistakes. 

I’m ultimately a kind person who is trying their best but can’t unleash my true potential due to depression, anxiety and self-confidence issues.  I get so angry and sad at people who don’t follow the same ideals as me.  which.... isn’t ideal.  I can’t stand TERFs, racists, ableists, misogynists, right wing people, climate change deniers, ignorant people.  I can’t stand it when people think that poor people only have themselves to blame.  I hate capitalism and colonialism.  I want to change the way the world operates even if it is to my detriment as a white CIS English women living in comfort.  I feel trapped in suburbia where nothing changes and no one looks or is different.  

I don’t mean to fetishize certain communities with that statement and I reliaze that it’s probably ignorant of me to suggest that everyone is the same too, given that I struggle to interact with people.  And I’m not suggesting that I’m some sort of special flower  or that ‘I’m not like other women’ (eeww) either, I know there are people out there I would probably get on with but like I say, I struggle.

It frustrates me when people don’t feel the same way politically.  I think that people’s politics are based on their morals so I struggle with conservatives for example.  I don’t understand them or where they come from.  I want things that people need to be owned by the public and free at the point of access, healthcare being the main one and I fear for the future of the NHS.  Yes, even if it means higher taxes (but I obviously want the super rich taxed more) I don’t believe billionaires should exist.  I want universal basic income.  If the human race keeps breeding, if we keep suffering from pandemics, if we progress technologically to the point where mechanization is even more prevalent, we will not need people to have jobs.  We need UBI to level the playing field.  And I want a vegan world.  All of the above makes my head swim with anger and despair.  What type of world will my child have to endure when she gets to my age?  I fucking hope it’s better than this.  I can honestly say that I believe I am on the right side of history with my politics.  It is ultimately about being kind and humane.  But no... I’m probably seen as a soft SJW snowflake keyboard warrior twat by my family (which is why I went off facebook).  Even though I have a masters in Gender studies and a career in social justice work, but sure, I’m just after the ‘internet points’ or want to look ‘woke’.  I feel like not many people truly know me and if they do know all of the above and don’t like what  they see,  I don’t know man, that kills me.  I want people to think well of me. I want people to think I am a good person. 

I could yap on for ages about this honestly but it would make little sense.

I think I wanted to start this as a place to get my feelings down because I am starting a journey of therapy soon.  My sessions should begin in September but I feel the need to get stuff out now.  I’m having a bit of a shit time in my head right now and I felt like I would burst. 

I’m already worried that I will appear stupid and self centered.  There is nothing particularly wrong with my life.  I have a good job that I love but am also petrified of it and of getting it wrong so I self sabotage, worry and don’t believe in my abilities and I’ve been doing that since college.  (I need to un pack how I feel about work and my actions around it, I have a lot of thoughts, maybe for another time) 

I pick the spots on my face till they become angry red welts, I pick the skin around my nails till they get infected and then I hate myself for how I look, even though it was my fault in the first place.  I don’t shower, don’t wash my face, don’t get enough sleep then look in the mirror and see my greasy lank hair, baggy grey eyes and bad skin and I just hate myself.  Is this an analogy for the entirety of my personality? I am my own worst enemy and I need to give myself a fucking break.  Easier said than done. 

Things to unpack in therapy: 

My work 

My politics and how I interact, deal with people who don’t feel the same way as me

My child hood and family dynamics - It’s fucked up y’all. 

My Child

My husband 

My past relationship

The sick thing I do at night when i think about horrible things, like the death of my child for no god damn reason. (Is it punishment?) 

It’s frustrating being so aware of my issues and not feeling able to do anything about it. 

It’s probably an effect of lock down but I have been feeling really bad consistently for a very long period of time now and it’s exhausting.  I always have peaks and troughs, feel great to OK for sometimes a good few months then it just comes down on me like a bag of hammers and I feel like death for 2-4 weeks.  

I’ve been having those hiccups more often and for longer.  I’m so fucking tired man.  A couple of months ago a I had a terrible headache for 4 days, could barely move and felt tearful all the time.  I just thought it was a migraine attack at the time (which I very very rarely have) but I coincided with a particular event that I’m not ready to talk about (It’s really not that juicy it’s quite fucking pathetic actually) and I think it was a major depressive episode. 

I think I’m done now, I’m emotionally exhausted after reading this through and my throat hurts from trying not to cry.  Maybe this is the start of my tumblr journey maybe I’ll delete it all in a few days I don’t know.  I had to try something.