#reba the mail lady

[popculturebuffet]

Pee-Wee's Playhouse: Monster in the Playhouse Review

In Loving Memory of Paul Rubens 1952-2023 The loss of Paul Rubens this week.. was one of the most devistating celebrity death's i've experienced, up there with Bowie and Adam West. It's just one of those deaths that really gnaws as your soul a bit, to see some one who brought such joy to your life gone in an instant. With Paul it hurt more because he's been such a constant: My family LOVED Pee Wees Big Adventure and I saw it PLENTY as a kid, a truly iconic and fun film that really showcased what paul could do. As I grew up, he was in Mystery Men, one of my faviorite superhero films to this day and a great part of it as the gaseous gladiator The Spleen.

Ironically it wasn't till I was in college and beyond I got to see Peewee's Very own children show and paul's masterwork Peewee's Playhouse, the classic 80's childrens show that had plenty of whimsy for it's target audience of young children.. but plenty of charm, puppetry, a stacked cast, and some all time great set design that made it a classic. It's no wonder my young niece and nephew glommed onto it as kids back when Netflix had it nor mourned him alongside the rest of us.

So while I intend to do more of Paul's work later when I can, faster if someone comissions them, I figured this was the best place to start and to honor him in the moment: my faviorite episode of his show. You'll find out why and if you hadn't really heard of paul rubens find out why he was so awesome under the cut.

Pee-Wee Herman started as a character Rubens made for the stage, with his stage show The PeeWee Herman show. The character was a hit from the get go and said hit lead a young filmaker by the name of Tim Burton to come calling. Thus Pee-Wee's Big Adventure Was born. I was honestly suprised to find the movie came first, as the show has none of it's cast, just the human muppet at the center. It does make sense though as the two works show off the two diffrent but equally awesome ways to play with Pee-Wee. Pee-Wee as a character.. is a giant cartoon. He's very clearly a grown man, but acts like a ten year old, lives in a bonkers house no matter the verison of him, and dosen't care how weird he comes off to everyone.. and thus charms most people simply by being himself. It's why the character resonates with me so much: Pee-Wee is who he is and he's not self concious about it. he's not really lambasted by most characters for being weird and those who do are usually jerks. When something bad happens to him it's usually because he brought it on himself.

So as a giant cartoon there's two ways to play him: you either plop him into the mundane world and see everyone else bounce off the loveable weirdo, or you meet him on his level and have a world of childlike wonder and total insanity. The movie went for the former, allowing rubens to be as unrestrained as he wants while still being a charming guy, and the show, being meant for kids but not talking down to them, could be as weird as rubens could get.

Playhouse has the trappings of a preschool show: most of the cast is hammy, everythings weird and ther'es a lot of loud stuff to keep attention like the secret word. But it's done in a way that's also gentle, calming and just dang fun to watch: it comes off as what a young kid would THINK being an adult was where you can be a cowboy or pretty for a job, have to deal with horrifying salesman and get to have a ptreodactyl as a pet. It's this nice chill fantasy world that's diverse, where only three people are dicks and one of them, pee wee, ususally learns not to be and that tries to teach kids to be excellent to one another.

And while I picked this episode as a personal favorite.. it really encapsulates a lot of what makes this series great and it's philosphy well. Monster in the House follows Pee Wee on what starts as a pretty normal day, he checks on his ants who are gorgeously animated in this nice construction paper style with black on yellow. It REALLY looks cool. Also cool is a season 1 exclusive feature: his toys. His toys... are basically sids toys from toy story, some horrifying mashups, in this case an octopus cowboy with a thousand eyes and a Frankenstein head on a standard dolly, that still has doll hair. It made me realize something about the show: it REALLY loves it''s animation. While the puppetry is awesome, we'll get to that, we have bits like the dinosaur family, the toys and the ants, the penny cartoons, all vastly different styles, all gorgeous. They even bring in some retro shorts via the king of cartoons. It also speaks to the shows tone: it's really freefloating: While there's usually some through line to anchor the episodes shenangians, it has this nice, serene atmosphere, a childhood memory brought to form where you'll often play or do other stuff amidst the hustle and bustle of your life. It's a vibe I haven't really seen in any other show or felt anything close to and it's glorious. There just.. isn't another show that FEELS like this.

Helping with that is the puppetry. I've been covering muppets here lately and Paul really has a lot of the same philosphy's as Jim Henson. It's really sad the two never did something together: Pee Wee did a segment or two for sesame street and not only won an honrary muppet award but was a guest in muppet magazine where we got just.. the most wholesome image ever

But both have this gentle nature that belies the manic content they make, injecting an earnestness into the madness. Peewee has a talking chair, a dog who is also a chair and looks utterly horrifying, a globe, his own robot, a tetradactyl.. all puppets.. but all feel really. Terry is like the son PeeWee never had, CHairy is one of his best friends and in a nice touch i'd never noticed before her eyes and hands usually move when she's in frame even if she's not the focus of the scene. There's also clearly something going on between them but I feel a memorial is a poor place to talk about chair on human romance. The puppets feel real even whent hey can be limited, and all have unique looks. Even chairy and dog chair despite being both animate chairs look and feel different, chairy coming off as pee wee's shy best friend and dog chair being an utter nightmare that's also adorable.

It's the giant gaping mouth. Just... I love a good dog but when you make one that could swallow me whole and very likely my soul at the same time you loose me. Except for Clifford. he's a good boy. You eat those souls clifford, you get bigger and stronger boy. That's a good red dog. Good boy.

So before we get to the plot we need to get the secret word. For those less familiar Pee Wee unplugs and turns on his robot buddy Conky, whose just a delight. And honestly all this reviewing thomas the tank engine effed me up a bit as I was horrified at first that Pee Wee turns Conky off at all.. but then realized they cleverly tucked the reason WHY Conky is plugged in and has to be turned on into the show: he needs to be recharged. Pee Wee would love to have him on all the time, but he dosen't want his friend to run out of battery. It's simply how the bot sleeps.

So he has honky print it out the word and whenever somebody says the secret word "scream real loud". it's a LOT of fun as any time it happens the whole playhouse joins in. Pure hell for parents but something so charmign you can forgive it. It's also sweet when Reba the Mail Lady, one of peewee's friends and his well mail lady, is so deligthed to have said it by accident. It's really sweet

The plot kicks off proper when Mrs. Steve shows up. Mrs Steve is a season 1 exclusive... and unlike others like Tito or Captain Carl who likely got cycled out because production moved and they simply coudln't move with it, Mrs. Steve feels like she got shuffled out because she just doesn't fit the shows tone well. The show DOES have an outright antagonist in randy, but he's more a harmless doofy bully no one takes seriously and who at most sets peewee astray by getting into his head. Mrs. Steve on the other hand is that kind of asshole we've all had: she gets into everyone's business, complains constantly and unlike most of the cast dosen't really jibe with the weirdness that is the playhouse. I don't mind someone say having a straight reaction to peewees nonsense but detesting it just dosen't work. She DOES work well enough for the episodes she's in, I just think longterm it was a wise decision to phase her out. Her actress does a great job though.

In this case there's a monster in the neighborhood. I mean you'd THINK given Mrs Steve sees Dog Chair and Season 1 globey on a regular basis she'd be used to monsters but apparently not. She's warning everyone. Pee Wee doesn't believe but everyone else does. Even the king of cartoons has to be talked into doing his job. I also just.. love the fact that in season one the king whose only job is showing up to show children cartoons has a new york style cabbie. It's so peewee.

Naturally though for this universe there IS a monster, as just when peewee clams everyone down by turning off the lights,a nice calming little bit of letting fear go.. the monster shows up. And Roger , he's named later.. has a fucking awesome design. It's clearly someone in a suit though how I don't know. THey might be hunched over by they CAN jump.

It's such a unique design. Admitely I love cyclopic monsters, so i'm defintely bisased but the nice touches like his weird foot, the little tubes or the side mouth are great.

I also love Pee Wee's response to Chairy Pointing out he said monsters weren't real "So I was wrong, sue me". With Roger just making monster sounds Pee Wee has no idea how to deal with him, realizes he's hungry and makes him a sandwitch which is fun. I also love Roger looking inside peewees fridge to see his food doing thier usual capering and how he just opens and shuts it like a kid would. And as it turns out.. that's what roger is. When PeeWee can't get him to go he WISHES he could understand him. And naturally ...

Since he's not being forced to this bit though the real jambi gladly grants the wish. With the wish granted, long lived Jambi we find out Roger.. is actually a child. He's kind, has a nicely innocent voice and simply wanted to play. He didn't mean anything by his stomping, and was just confused why Peewee was scared of him jsut because he was a monster. It's a nice message about not hating something you don't understand just because it's diffrent. Not subtle, but it's also not so over the head that it dosen't work. Roger may look weird.. but so does the rest of the house. Unsurprisingly PeeWee is huge in monsterland. So PeeWee apologizes and makes a new friend and everythigns good. The episode ends with pee wee getting a call on his picture phone.. which is one of my faviorite runners as in a nicely peewee touch, he always puts on some background and costume before answering. We get Roger's mom whose upset he was missing, ssays the secret word (a touch I really love) but invites peewee back for spagetthi because who wasn't. We also get a nice twist on the usual ending. Usually pewee gets on his scooter, heads off and we see him ending. Here Roger JOINS peewee for the trip. They also scare the crap out of mrs steve, always a good time. Monster in the Playhouse is excellent and it's on youtube. It's a great sample of how good the series was, has a nice wholesome legend and as always showcases just what a great performer rubens was. He'll truly be missed and I hope he's somewhere up there, in his own playhouse. Thanks for reading.. and we'll miss you paul.

[booze-hats]

Old Dog, New Surprises

Problem Sleuth had been very surprising at first. Spades Slick had expected him to die the first time he sent Hearts out to whack him, but he hadn't. Every single time Slick thought he'd seen it all, the asshole came back with something new to get on his nerves. Or not. It varied by occasion.

Problem Sleuth considered himself a man of the arts. He danced, he sang, he played a few instruments, he dabbled in the occasional paperwork margin doodle.  This was common knowledge to anyone who had ever looked through his office, but it was surprising to Spades Slick at first. After a few years of cat and mouse, though, Slick thought he'd had the guy figured out, he thought that if Sleuth was going to surprise him any more, the detective would have to somehow be physically present for the occasion. Well, he was wrong. 

The surprise came from an unexpected, he'd dare say surprising, place too — Sleuth's planner. Which, he didn't know the guy kept. He decided it must be a new development backdated with asinine occasions like coffee with the Inspector or trips to the DMV or reminders to mail packages to strange names in distant places (like... Missouri? Michigan? Minnesota? Slick didn't remember which one was denoted as MI and didn't really care) because Sleuth was a moron who liked to waste time on stupid shit like that. Of more interest than the past, though, was just an hour and a half in the future. It was karaoke. Sleuth sang, sure, to himself as an idle behavior, when he was trying to remember something, when he got around that woman he liked because he thought he was impressive when he did it, but he never bothered to imagine Problem Sleuth on a stage. Well, maybe the guy would attempt standup, he could see that going miserably because Sleuth wasn't very funny, but karaoke? 

Singing? On a stage? Him? 

Slick would have to see it to believe it. And he would, he'd made up his mind. He returned the planner to approximately where he'd found it, careful to remove the bookmark for Sleuth's fondest inconvenience and turned to see himself out. He knew where that bar was. Sleuth had seen him play before, plenty of times he'd spotted the creep at the back of the bar on a Wednesday night, bouncing his leg to the tune of the Midnight Crew on stage and chatting with someone or other. He had no reason to mind Slick slipping in to watch him perform. He wished the guy had taken down what songs he'd be singing. He'd embarrass him by playing the piano, assuming the bar had someone playing instead of a stereo or whatever places used these days. Droog handled the technicals of the soundtrack when no one was playing live and he paid somebody else to do it for live performances regardless of his involvement in playing. Slick didn't know, nor did he care to know, a single damn thing about sound machines or their workings. 

Killing an hour and a half was easy with enough cigarettes. The newfangled vapes were fun too, he'd taken up carrying one for places it was unacceptable to smoke. It sure came in handy when he was sitting in the back of a bar much too... Contemporary for his taste. A college-aged broad sang some obnoxious pop song, followed by a country hit from the nineties that he knew, but couldn't remember the name of. An older gent sang some blues, a pretty lady with dyed hair sang something that had to have a genre that he couldn't place, and about that point, he stopped drinking to pay attention. An older woman sang Dolly Parton and Reba McEntire, and then, Sleuth hauled his sorry ass on stage. 

He's not dressed for work. That is to say, he's not wearing beige, he's wearing a pair of black jeans and a vest over his white shirt, he's ditched the tie altogether. It's a good look, even if he still needed a hairbrush. Spades Slick hated it. 

It's impressive so far, though, he looked confident, and even more impressive, his choice of song wasn't obnoxious. There's no piano. It's all a sound system, and it's a shame, because Slick knew how to play plenty of Sinatra, he certainly knew That's Life. 

Sleuth did too. He smiled the whole time, even if his brows twitched when his eyes hit Slick. Spades couldn't tell if it was the bright lights in his eyes or if he'd been recognized. His eyes didn't linger anywhere in particular too long, no, and maybe he was drunk, but Slick was almost certain that the guy was moving intentionally. That he was performing properly. It's not just one song either, it's Sinatra and it's something he'd never heard before, something Sleuth said his mom liked and while she wasn't with him anymore, he believed firmly that she was with him in spirit all of the time. He loved her. He'd just sent some stuff up north to his family for her grave, that anniversary had just passed. So it was Sylvia's Mother, because she used to sing it.

It gave Slick pause. He internalized it, thought exceedingly hard about it for a second, and put it out of his mind because that was stupid. What a fucking sap. The song's good, though, he'd have to ask Droog to make him a CD with it for his little radio at home. He'd care to hear the original. 

A hand from someone he didn't see helped Sleuth off the stage and this time, to Slick, the gap between performances felt... Exceedingly long. An older woman, Jethro Tull. Problem Sleuth could sing. Nay, he could perform. Those weren't the same skill. Problem Sleuth could perform. 

Locomotive Breath. 

She was good too. 

Spades Slick stood up and adjusted his hat. He knocked back the last of his drink and ordered another shot, he needed it after that. He was out the door and halfway into lighting a cigarette when Sleuth, coat on and hat in hand, stepped out. He looked at Slick and Slick looked at him. Sleuth nodded, but continued on his way without any further accomplishment. 

What the fuck?

That was odd. So of course, Slick followed as casually as he could. Although Sleuth was just a little taller, Slick's stride was naturally faster. It was easy to catch up. He was surprised again, Sleuth was red in the face and not looking too happy at all. So, Slick fell back a step to see if he'd be greeted any more than the silent avoidance of eye contact. He was not, and so, he fell back another step trying to get his cigarettes out. With little effort, he overtook his captive audience and stopped in front of him, holding out a Marlboro. This made Sleuth stop, but he didn't say anything right away. He just kept looking at Slick with his face all twisted up in some way that didn't make any sense. He wasn't sure what to do about this. 

"Take it," was what came out of his mouth, and Sleuth did. It was enough to bring attention to the tremble of his hands while he hunted down his lighter in his pants pocket. He took an uneven breath. 

"Thanks."

"Don't mention it."

It was quiet for a while. Sleuth didn't seem intent on explaining himself willingly. Obviously, he knew Slick was curious about his condition. Maybe he got hurt while Slick was having that shot and his clothes just managed to look completely put together still by the sheer power of music. 

Slick realized he was going to have to talk again. Sleuth was supposed to do this part. 

"... You do good on stage."

"Yeah."

This was going poorly. He looked around. He was dealing out perhaps the most compliments ever, right now. Sleuth ought to mark his dumb calendar about it. "You sing good." 

Sleuth pushed out a breathy laugh and finally, the asshole looked Spades Slick in his face. The laughter was refreshing after such unusual behavior. "Yeah?"

"Yeah. What else do you sing?"

"Um," another shaky breath. It's strange to watch his eyes dart around like that, he didn't do that. "Just about anything. Everything can be good if you do it right."

"Know any Cash?"

"Of course." Sleuth laughed all uneasy again, but the further he got into that cancer stick, the less he shook. "What do you take me for?"

"Then sing some for me. Home of the Blues, easy and slow, ain't it?"

"What? Slick, no," was not what Slick expected, definitely not with more incredulous laughter. "No. I'm not going to sing for you in the street."

"You're sappy enough. Do it somewhere else then. C'mon, I got somewhere. We'll get you a piano and everything." Without any consideration at all, Slick reached out and grabbed the detective by his forearm, dragging his hostage along happily. He tuned out every single one of his complaints, something about a woman, something about his ass, work tomorrow, he didn't want to, he didn't wanna, let him go, whatever. It'd be good for him. He seemed a little too drunk to get loose, too. All very promising for Slick. He almost got him to the apartment before he managed to get away, at which point, he looked around. 

"C'mon," Slick urged, "I got whiskey. You know you won't hate it. I'll convince you with another cigarette."

Sleuth took a deep breath and Slick looked at his face again, a good hard look. He was having a hard time here. "Why?"

"Because I want you to."

"Why?"

Why? He asked himself. "Because you're acting funny. You ain't allowed to do that. You gotta keep working and you can't do good if you act funny."

Close enough. He returned his attention to finding his cigarettes and when he did, he thrust one Sleuth-ward. Sleuth took it, lit it, and this time, Slick wasn't surprised by the laughter. He did explain that kind of funny. Sleuth took a drag, shook his head, and stepped toward him. Good start. 

"You convinced me with the cigarette. Walk." 

Walk he did. This time, the silence wasn't so miserable. Problem Sleuth followed him into the building and up the stairs and into the little apartment Slick rented. One of them, anyway. There were several, all safe places Slick and his men could go to sleep and drink with somewhere to eat nearby in most of the cases. It was by no stretch nice or well decorated, the bed was unmade just like Slick left it three or four nights or a week or two ago. He wasn't sure. He didn't really keep track of time anymore. He'd never been good at it. That's what he had his right hand man for. 

Slick stepped into the mostly-empty kitchenette and pulled down a bottle of, he turned the bottle to find out, a bottle of Wild Turkey! He pushed it into Sleuth's hands and settled himself at the shitty pawn shop keyboard against the door. "Sit. Bed, couch, pull up the chair, counter, I don't give a shit. Park your ass. You're going to sing for me."

Sleuth laughed some more and took that last option up. With the bottle in his hand, he hopped up on the counter. He took a swig. "I don't wanna sing Home of the Blues. You know Big Iron? Marty Robbins?"

"Dunno how to play it."

"Any of American Pie?"

"Nuh-uh."

"Can you read sheet music?"

"Nope."

Sleuth took another drink and slipped off the counter, grabbing the single other chair in the room and shooing Slick. "Move."

"What?"

"Move. I want it."

Disarmed, Slick complied and he watched Sleuth sit down. He ran his fingers across the keyboard, pressing a few keys seemingly at random. It's a song Slick recognized but didn't know how to play, he didn't pick it up right away though. It's not until the British got to running that he figured out what Sleuth was singing and it made him snicker. He snatched the bottle from his lap and took a drink 

It's... Charming. And it's maybe two or three songs later before Slick was pulling out another bottle, and not that many longer before he realized that he was waking up in bed. Alone. 

It took him a second to figure out that it was all real and not his life flashing before his eyes as he died or something equally absurd. Sure, he felt like death, but he'd woken up in the apartment and there were a few empty bottles. And there was not aspirin, which was a crying shame. He took the other available option and shucked his coat as he stood up, which was to wander over to the sink and drink from his hands like an animal. 

He was going to have Droog write that liquor off as a business expense. 

[lboogie1906]

Sharon Epatha Merkerson (born November 28, 1952) is a film, stage, and television actress. She has received numerous high-profile accolades for her work, including an Emmy Award, a Golden Globe Award, a Screen Actors Guild Award, four NAACP Image Awards, two Obie Awards, and two Tony Award nominations. She is known for her award-winning portrayal of Lieutenant Anita Van Buren on Law & Order. She is known for playing Reba the Mail Lady on Pee-wee's Playhouse and Sharon Goodwin in Chicago Med. She has appeared on The Cosby Show, among other series. Her career began to rise after she assumed the lead role in the one-woman play Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grill. That was followed by her performance as Berniece in August Wilson's Pulitzer Prize-winning play The Piano Lesson. For that, she was nominated for a Tony Award as Best Featured Actress in a Play. She won an Obie Award in 1992 for her work in I'm Not Stupid. Her screen credits include Jacob's Ladder, Loose Cannons, She's Gotta Have It, James Cameron's Terminator 2: Judgment Day; and Navy Seals. She won a Golden Globe Award, an Emmy Award, and a Screen Actors Guild award for her performance in Lackawanna Blues. She starred as Lola Delaney in the Los Angeles stage production of William Inge's Come Back, Little Sheba. She played a role in Movie Radio, as Maggie Kennedy Radio’s mother. She became the host of Find Our Missing. She performed in Lincoln as Lydia Hamilton Smith. She appeared in the Primary Stages of production of While I Yet Live. She became a spokesperson for Merck America’s Diabetes Challenge, to increase Type 2 diabetes awareness among African Americans. #africanhistory365 #africanexcellence https://www.instagram.com/p/ClgQa3ar0bV/?igshid=NGJjMDIxMWI=

[yetihideout]

[youhaveaguineapigwhere]

Reba the mail lady was the ultimate Milf

[dukereviewsmovies]

Duke Reviews: Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special

Hi, Everyone, I'm Andrew Leduc And Welcome To Duke Reviews Where We Are Continuing Duke's Yultide Reviews...

And On Today's Show We're Looking At Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special...

This Episode Sees Pee Wee Herman Celebrating The Holidays With His Friends And Celebrity Guests Who Drop In Throughout The Episode. So, What Are We Waiting For? Let's Take A Look At Pee Wee's Christmas Special...

The Episode Starts With The Playhouse Decorated To The Brim...

Making Out His Christmas List, Pee Wee Asks Us What Would We Put On Our Christmas List If We Were Him? Which Eventually Leads Him To Ask For A Yo-Yo But Conkey Tells Him That He Already Has One Which Leads Pee Wee To Check His Toys...

And After Entering His Code, Pee Wee Discovers That He Does Have One Which Leads Him To Do Some Tricks. Finishing Off His Christmas List, Pee Wee Has Conkey Print It And Seriously Long...

However, Hearing The Doorbell, Pee Wee Discovers That It's Miss Yvonne Who Tells Pee Wee About The Mistletoe In Her Hair Before Giving Him A Present In The Form Of A Fruitcake While Pee Wee Gives Her A New Perfume Of Eau De Pee Wee...

With Miss Yvonne Taking Off To Make Out With Everyone In The Playhouse (Which Is A Sight The Network Censor Won't Let Them Show) Pee Wee Takes Off To Put The Fruitcake In The Fridge And To Show Us How The Food In The Fridge Celebrate Christmas As They Give Pee Wee Another Fruitcake...

Hearing The Phone, Pee Wee Answers It To See Whoopi Goldberg Who Is Calling To See If She Could Be Apart Of The Christmas Special But This Year And "Next Year" Is Completely Booked But Pee Wee Can Maybe Place Her On The Christmas Special 2 Years From Now...

Jumping Into The Magic Screen, We Get Another Game Of Connect The Dots, As Pee Wee Forms A Sleigh At The North Pole And Runs Into Magic Johnson, Who Says That The Magic Screen And Him Are Cousins....

Uh, I Don't See The Family Resemblance, Magic...

Pushed Down The Hill By A Polar Bear, Pee Wee And Magic Go Through A Snowbank Before Going Down A Steep Incline Which Forces Pee Wee To Jump Out Of The Magic Screen And Say Goodbye To Magic Johnson...

Landing On Chairy, Pee Wee Realizes That While He Was Making Out His Christmas List He Forgot To Decorate The Playhouse, So, Calling Upon Jambi, He Wants To Wish For The Playhouse To Be Decorated But Pee Wee's Not Sure If He Wants To Use His Wish On That And Asks Jambi For An Extra Wish Because It's Christmas And He Says Fine...

Now Everyone Repeat After Jambi...

Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Heiney Ho...

Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Ho Ho Ho...

And Just Like That, The Playhouse Is Decorated...

Getting A Visit From Reba The Mail Lady, She Gives Pee Wee A Bunch Of Christmas Cards Before Giving Him Her Christmas Gift Of Another Fruitcake!...

Giving Reba Her Gift Of Large Press On Nails, Reba Has One More Thing For Pee Wee In The Form Of A Large Box Which Has Grace Jones Inside Of It, However It's Later Revealed That Grace Was Supposed To Go To The White House And Not The Playhouse...

But Before She Goes She Decides To Sing A Song...

After That Scene, Pee Wee Introduces Teen Angel From Grease And The Only Mouseketeer From The Original Mickey Mouse Club That Anyone Seems To Remember (Just Kidding) Who Are There Making Christmas Cards As They Show Us How They're Doing It,..

After That Scene, Pee Wee Runs Into Cher, Who's Wondering What Today's Secret Word Is....

Really? You Have A Big Star Like Cher And You Use Her For The Secret Word? Why?

Her Talents Would Be Better Off Singing The Song That Grace Jones Sung...

Anyway, Conkey Prints Out The Secret Word And It's Revealed That The Secret Word Is Year, And We All Know What To Do Whenever We Hear The Secret Word Right? Just Scream Real Loud..

(Start At 0:41, End At 1:05)

After Cher Leaves, The King Of Cartoons Arrives To Give Pee Wee His Christmas Gift Of Not Just 1 But 2 Fruitcakes...

How Many Fruitcakes Do These People Believe Pee Wee Needs?

Anyway, Like Always The King Of Cartoons Is There To Introduce The Cartoon But Before He Does, He's Interrupted By Annette Who Asks If She Can Do It, To Which He Lets Her...

When We Come Back We're Interrupted By Billy Baloney Who Makes It His Christmas Special Till Pee Wee Gets Back Of Course...

Getting A Weather Alert From Mr. Kite That It's Snowing Outside, Pee Wee Suits Up And Runs Into Morpheus From The Matrix...

Scaring Cowboy Curtis, Pee Wee Introduces The Del Rubio Triplets....

Well, At Least They're Not Being Confused For R.E.M And Singing Whip It...

(Start At 0:46)

Making A Snowman, It Ends Up Coming To Life When They Stare At It, Scaring Both Pee Wee And Cowboy Curtis Away...

Coming Across An Ice Rink, Pee Wee Meets Little Richard Who's Having A Hard Time Ice Skating So Pee Wee Shows Him How It's Done Or So We Think....

Going Inside To Drink Hot Cocoa, Pee Wee And His Friends Are Entertained By The Song Stylings Of K.D. Lang...

(Start At 0:28)

After Warming Up, Pee Wee Hangs The Stockings Including 2 Extra Large Stockings For Him While We Watch A Penny Cartoon, To Which After Pee Wee Talks With Cowntess Who Gives Pee Wee Another Fruitcake And Another Visitor In The Form Of Zsa Zsa Gabor Or Princess Zsa Zsa, Geez...

Headed To The Phone, Pee Wee Answers To See Dinah Shore Who's There To Sing The Twelve Days Of Christmas Or In Dinah's Case "The Song That Doesn't End"

However, While Pee Wee Is On The Phone With Dinah, He Gets A Phone Call From Oprah Who Wants To Say Merry Christmas To Him But Telling Her That He Has Dinah Shore On The Other Line, Pee Wee Hangs Up...

(Oprah) Okay, Let's Get Something Straight Here, Herman, I Am Oprah! You Do Not Hang Up On Me! I Hang Up On You!

Leaving Dinah With A Mannequin In A Pee Wee Dress Up Outfit, Pee Wee Talks With Ricardo About Mexican Traditions During Christmas Before We're Serenaded By The Queen Of Guchi Guchi Herself, Charro...

(Start At 0:41)

After Which Charro..What A Surprise...Gives Pee Wee Another Fruitcake...

(Imitating Samuel L. Jackson) I Have Had It With These Motherfreaking Fruitcakes In This Motherfreaking Special!

And What The Hell, Might As Well Add One More To The Pile As Pee Wee Gets Another From Mrs. Rene Who Is There To Talk About Hanukkah And Sing The Dreidel Song...

Spinning The Dreidel, It Heads Into The Home Of The Dinosaur Family...

Later That Night, Pee Wee And All Of His Friends Put The Finishing Touches On The Christmas Tree Only For Randy To Pull The Plug...

Saying That He Hates Christmas, Saying That It's All A Bunch Of Commercial Hooey, Pee Wee Shows Randy The True Meaning Of Christmas Which Changes His Mind...

With Cowboy Curtis Giving Pee Wee Another Fruitcake, Everyone Starts Wondering What Pee Wee Is Going To Do With All Those Damn Fruitcakes, Which Leads Him To Introduce A New Wing To The Playhouse Made Entirely Out Of Fruitcake (That'll Just Stink Up The Place In A Few Months)...

Singing Christmas Carols, Pee Wee Eventually Hears Sleigh Bells Which Leads To The Arrival Of Santa Claus Who Has Some Bad News For Pee Wee Turns Out That His List Was So Long That Santa Couldn't Fill The Orders For All The Other Children In The World...

Asking How Many Presents He'll Need, Santa Tells Pee Wee All Of Them. Deciding To Give Up All His Presents, Santa Asks For One Other Thing, And That's For Pee Wee To Help Him Deliever The Presents To The Other Children Of The World...

Saying Goodbye To His Friends, Jambi Asks About That Wish, To Which Pee Wee Wishes Everyone A Merry Christmas And A Happy New Year...

And That's The Pee Wee's Playhouse Christmas Special And It's Good...

Some Scenes Are Good, I Like How They Added In Other Cultures Which Some Christmas Specials Haven't Done As Of Recent And The Songs Aren't Bad And The Characters Are Decently Written So I Say See It...

Well, That's It For Duke's Yultide Reviews, Have A Merry Christmas, Happy Kwanza, Happy Hanukkah Or Whatever You Celebrate And Have A Happy New Year As Next Week...Wait A Minute There's One More Week Of December So, That Means One More Yultide Review But What Do I Do? Well I Guess Like I Did For My Christmas Movies I Might As Well Find The Worst Christmas Special And Talk About That But What Is The Worst Christmas Special Ever?

[fanfictionlive]

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: The Novel; Chapter 1, Part 1

Chapter 1: Something’s Wrong with Jambi

Cowboy Curtis always felt at peace when unsaddling his horse, Mary Sue, outside of Pee-wee’s Playhouse. It was something about the forest of Puppet Land he had to ride through to get there that did it, he was sure. And he knew it wasn’t just him that noticed it either. He always assumed it was some kind of magic.

He tied up the reigns on a post Pee-wee had put there specifically for his Mary Sue, as well as a trauth of fresh water with a hint of lemon (just as she likes it), and a bucket of newly sowed oats sitting next to it. “Bless ya, Pee-wee,” he said from behind a toothy grin.

Plucking a stray lock of her mane from out of her face and tucking it behind her ear, he said, “You sit tight, darlin’. You have some o’ them tasty oats Pee-wee left fer ya an’ I’ll be back before ya know it.” As if to give her consent, Mary Sue snorted and stomped her hoof, before burying her snout in the bucket. Satisfied she was content, Curtis began to make his way up the stairs to the front door.

As he approached the main window, which was opened wide, as always, he glimpsed a flower looking out at him from inside. He flashed it his most charming smile, and it smiled back, and… Did it blush? The flower disappeared from view, but he could hear a small child-like voice excitedly whisper, “Straighten up girls! Cowboy Curtis is here!” This was followed by a cluster of giggling and even a, “How do my petals look?” by a couple of very similar voices.

Curtis knew it was silly, but he puffed out his chest and put on his most manly strut. As all three pretty little flowers came into view, he saw that they were all standing perfectly straight, not a bend in their stems, and their petals were puffed out and pouty.

“Well, howdy there! And how are the three most lovely li’l lilies there ever was on this gee-orgeous afternoon?”

“Oh, Cowboy Curtis, are you flirting with us?” they asked in unison, creating a harmony in the phrase that would not normally be there if they had only one spoken.

He chuckled amicably. “I just very well may be.” At this their stems curled as they swooned and their petals folded forward to hide their… Yup, they’re blushing. Well, that’s something they don’t share on The Nature of Things with David Suzuki.

“Hey, so is Pee-wee around? I came to see what crazy antics he is up to today,” he asked once they had regained some form of composure.

“He left to help The King of Cartoons find a cartoon he misplaced,” answered one.

“He went to help Reba the Mail Lady deliver bills,” said another.

“He’s gone to help Miss Yvonne, the most beautiful woman in all of Puppet Land, go shopping for a new dress,” relayed the last.

Curtis’s eyes widened. “Well, did he go help The King of Cartoons, Reba the Mail Lady, or Miss Yvonne?”

“He went to help all of them,” they once again said together.

“It’s been a busy day,” said the first.

“So, it would seem,” he chuckled. Pee-wee Herman always amazed him.

“I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I stepped in an’ took a load off. It was a long ride to get here,” which was only half true. It was a long ride through the Forest, but it had a way of rejuvenating those who passed through it, and he wasn’t as tired as he made himself sound.

The three posies giggled amongst themselves for a moment before turning back to him and saying together, “You’re always welcome at the Playhouse, Cowboy Curtis!”

“Thank you, very kindly, ladies.” Tipping his hat to them, he stepped passed the window and before he pushed open the most oddly shaped door he had ever come across, even after all his travels. He saw movement in the corner of his eye before he took a step inside. He looked up and saw a kite hanging high in the sky, swaying slightly in the afternoon.

He waved and greeted it, “Why, howdy, Mr. Kite. How’s the weather lookin’ today?”

The kite raised one spindly arm and waved back. “Hello there, Cowboy Curtis. The weather is just fine and dandy as far as my eyes can see.”

“Well that’s great to hear! Thank you kindly, Mr. Kite,” and he stepped inside.

In Puppet Land, magic is all around them. Felt, but never seen. The deeper into the forest one travels, the more powerful the magic could be sensed, and visual signs became relevant. It changed before your eyes. One moment it would be a peaceful wood, then the next a playful jungle, and then a quaint savannah, and then back to a forest again. Even the animals that naturally belong to these habitats wander freely, but never are they aggressive to passersby. But it was the Playhouse that was the center to it all. Where magic was truly seen in almost everything that existed within and around it. Nearly all the items in the house were alive, conscious personalities that could talk just like a human being. Even parts of the Playhouse itself were alive, as was evidenced by the large pile of wood on the floor by Pee-wee’s bunk bed on the other side of the common room that stared back at him with large swirling eyes.

“Good afternoon, Floory,” said Curtis.

With his usual slow and melancholy voice, the pile of wood replied, “Good afternoon, Cowboy Curtis.”

Curtis gazed around the room and saw all the things he’d grown accustomed to since he became friends with Pee-wee. Things he was happy to call his friends. And he greeted them all.

“Howdy, Globey. Clocky. Conky. Magic Screen. Chairy. Pterry. “ They all responded in a nearly unintelligible jumble of salutations.

Chairy began waving her armrests wildly to get his attention. “Pee-wee’s not here right now, but if you want to sit and wait, I’d love for you to have a seat on me.”

He took off his hat, “Well, I’m much obliged, there, Chairy. I could think of no better place to sit.”

“Oh, Cowboy Curtis, you’re too sweet,” she replied as he plopped down on top of her. She wrapped her armrests around him cozily. He had to admit, Chairy was the most comfortable piece of furniture he’d ever had the pleasure of sitting on. Heck, he’d bet that even the King of Cartoons’ throne wasn’t as comfortable as she was.

Placing his hat in his lap, bringing his hands to the back of his head to lay back on, and crossing his surprisingly clean boots, he stretched out and relaxed.

“So, how long do you think we’ll have to wait?” he asked of them, and was answered with a cacophony of screams and laughter.

“What? Did I say the secret word?”, he asked with a stunned smile on his face.

Pterry, the talking pterodactyl, swooped down from where he was perched and landed on Chairy’s back -- or head, he could never tell for sure -- just over his right shoulder. “Yes you did, Cowboy Curtis! You did! You did!” he exclaimed.

“What? Wait?” Another blaring of screams answered him and he could not help but join in the laughter that followed.

Pterry was hopping up and down excitedly, his wings flapping wildly. “I so do love the secret word!”

“So do I, Pterry. So do I,” he said as he patted the little dinosaur on the head amiably.

Curtis leaned back and stared at the ceiling thoughtfully for a moment then said to himself, “I wish Pee-wee will get back soon. I was really hopin’ to play with him today.”

A glow at the corner of his eye caught his attention. When he looked to where the glow was emanating he saw the familiar ornately carved wooden box that housed the most powerful source of magic of all. Two panels swung open like double doors to reveal that powerful source, but from his vantage point he could not see inside.

“Wish?” spoke a regal, yet flamboyant voice. The voice of Jambi the Genie. “Did somebody say wish?”

submitted by /u/333rdMonkMan [link] [comments] from FanFiction: Where Magical Ponies battle Imperial Titans http://bit.ly/2TXNPEV

[angleonmovieon]

Amazon Is Developing A Spy Comedy Based On The US Postal Service – Amazon Studios is developing a spy movie about the United States Postal Service. Jermaine Fowler, who starred in the streamer's hit sequel Coming 2 America, is in talks to star in the action-comedy, which is based on a 2020 Black List screenplay by Perry Janes. – the story follows Michael Griffiths, who learns that his recently killed mother was a spy in the disguise of a mailwoman working for a highly secretive intelligence agency hiding in plain sight - the #UnitedStatesPostalService. – #AmazonStudios is set to produce the film in association with Imagine Entertainment. The origins of the USPS go all the way back to 1775, when Benjamin Franklin served as its first postmaster general. Since then, the organization's mail carriers have appeared in a variety of pop culture endeavors, including Mr. McFeely on Mr. Roger's Neighborhood, Reba the Mail Lady on Pee-Wee's Playhouse, and Newman on Seinfeld. – The U.S.P.S. will hopefully deliver yet another fresh take on the everyday-person #spy Movie. https://www.instagram.com/p/CM_NnZQHbWd/?igshid=1s68g0w2vvf52

[queennicoleinboots]

Vegan Taco Mac with Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr., part 8.5

A/N: Stupid shit, a lot of talk about video games: Dauntless, World of Warcraft, Black Desert Online, geekery, featuring Cutie Pie the Streamer and R.O.B the Nintendo robot character, spilling lima beans

Count Macrula, Count Macula, Jr., FreeLee the Banana Girl, and I returned from Publix and saw Joebear and the spirit of Colonel America smashing the TVs. Joebear had anger issues because he lost to Hecarim in League of Losers too many times. He switched over to playing Dauntless.

FreeLee the Banana Girl saw the TVs being destroyed and was pleased.

"Send FreeLee the Banana Girl to the heavens! She is done here!" Count Macrula shouted as lightning shot out of the palms of his hands.

FreeLee the Banana Girl floated to heaven. Everyone noticed, nodded, and then went on with his or her day.

Joebear then grabbed a TV, walked outside, and took a dump on the TV. I got excited and joined him outside.

Tyler1, Joebear, the cast of PeeWee Herman, Paul the Goat, Patches, Lindsay, Prince Carrington, and Nugget screamed. The Grinch hobbled up to Count Macula, Jr.'s castle and grumbled.

Count Macrula sang in dark angelic language before he shouted, "HOOOMMEEE!!!!" in a baritone language. A winter wonderland was blanketing the inside of Count Macula, Jr.'s family of gray bears' castle. A gust of snow entered the windows of the castle and burst them open dramatically.

We were all of a sudden surrounded by great high cathedral ceilings topped with snow. Count Macula, Jr.'s family photos, including his long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears when he was still Colonel Mac, had Christmas ornaments and Happy New Year lights surrounding them.

Count Macula, Jr. himself began to change again. His gray hair now was white, so he was a white bear. He also had bat wings and even sharper teeth.  "Coooool!!!! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!" he shouted as his high-pitched Southern voice echoed in the castle.

"WOW!!! This kitchen looks Santa's workshop on crack!!!" Lindsay shouted as she poked her head in the kitchen door. We heard the jingling of bells. "I didn't know Count Colonel Mac lived in a winter wonderland castle! Wow!!!." She was wearing a blue princess gown today.

We will dub her Princess Lindsay Carrington. 

Count Macula, Jr. skipped over to her and stared at her. "Dear Princess, my name is no longer Count Colonel Mac," he said.

Princess Lindsay Carrington stared at the white cub before her. "Excuse me. I was addressing Count Colonel Mac. I know not of whom thou art," she spoke as she chewed on a corn tortilla chip.

"I am Count Macula, Jr! I have become a white cub due to 2021 coming to town. I am a vambear," the white cub said as he looked directly at Princess Lindsay Carrington.

"So you're telling me that you were formerly known as Colonel Mac, then Count Colonel Mac and that you are now Count Macula, Jr.?" Princess Lindsay Carrington asked.

"Yes," Count Macula, Jr. said. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!"

"So much can happen in a grocery shopping trip!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said dramatically.

Patches, Princess Lindsay Carrington's cat, walked in the kitchen and meowed loudly. She shook the whole fucking castle. Snow fell to the ground.

"JEE WHIZ!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted like Tyler1 as he skipped in the kitchen. He had a widow's peak and intense brown eyes. Needless to say, he had a set of lungs on him.

"Are you Count Macula, Jr.?" Patches asked.

"YES!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. We juuuuusttt went over this!"

Joebear, Colonel America's spirit, Count Macrula, Mr. Williamson, Princess Lindsay Carrington, Kendrick, Pauno, and Peter's therapist, the cast of PeeWee Herman, the Grinch, and I started cooking the vegan taco mac.

Colonel America's spirit wavered in the air. "I have returned to fill an important role in this story. I am the logic in this otherwise completely illogical nonsensical saga," he announced as he began to boil the canned beans.

"THERE BETTER NOT BE LIMA BEANS IN THERE!" Count Macrula shouted. Then, he stated as-a-matter-of-factly, "Not to mention, you fulfill the Colonel role in these covulted stories." as he was washing the spinach. He laughed a boisterous evil vampire laugh.

"Where are the avocados?" Mr. Williamson asked. "We're supposed to have guacamole with vegan Taco mac."

"Says whhoooooooo??? Yiiiickkkkk!!!" Count Macula, Jr. said.

"Agreed. Fuck avocados. Worst fruit ever. Should be abolished," I said.

"Disagreed. The only thing worse than an avocado is a lima bean," Count Macrula said. He shuddered. "The horror!"

A random bear jumped in the kitchen and said, "I brought lima beans for the vegan taco mac with Count Macrula-" He spilled lima beans all over the floor.

Count Macrula screamed and used red eye rays to disintregrate that poor bear and the lima beans.

I chuckled and continued to chop up peppers and onions.

"So are you not even allowed to bring lima beans in the kitchen?" Reba the Mail Lady asked as she brought a bunch of cans of lima beans into the kitchen.

Count Macrula shot his death rays at Reba the Mail Lady and disintregrated her. Lima beans then exploded out of the cans and all over the kitchen. "Aaaaaahhhhhh!!! The horror!!!!" Count Macrula shouted as he shot death rays out of his eyes at each and every goddamned lima bean that had the misfortune of being in that kitchen. "Get out of here, you damn dirty beans!!!" He shot lasers everywhere and disintegrated parts of our bodies that were near lima beans. My right ulna hasn't been the same since.

Princess Lindsay Carrington started rinsing the rice for the rice cooker. "That answers our question. Now if I may ask, can we even mention Lima-"

Count Macrula was quickly shooting the death rays in her direction.

"Lima, Peru! It's one of my favorite cities to visit. I say!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she was dramatically trying to catch her breath.

Count Macrula then smiled widely and said, "Why yes! That is one of my favorite cities! You can mention that all you like!" he said as he washing the lettuce with a huge smile on his face.

A female goat stared at him in concern as she was boiling the whole golden kernel corn.

I laughed as a response to the trauma that just occurred.

"Did you know avocados are good?!" Peter shouted as he poked his head in the kitchen.

I growled as I threw the knife I was using to chop up peppers and onions at Peter's head. "Bastard," I muttered. I shot death rays at Peter and missed. "Bastard."

Peter left and started laughing.

"Wow baebae!" Joebear said as he put the macaroni in the boiling water. He set the timer for 10 minutes before doing a sexy bear dance.

"No avocados for me! I didn't buy any!" I said as I growled and continued to chop peppers and onions.

PeeWee Herman picked up the knife, did his typical laugh, and did a goofy walk in the kitchen. He washed the knife before chopping up the tomatillos.

Miss Oreo meowed before she jumped off the window sill in the kitchen. How she was unscathed, I couldn't figure it out.

Pauno then walked in the kitchen. "For people who like guacamole or tacos while they wait, I shall make them rain from the sky!" he announced. "And cue the naked chicks and the riced cauliflower for low carb diets!"

"Thank you," Mr. Williamson said. "Oh. Excuse me. I spoke too soon."

Vampiresses, snow ladies, werewolf women, cat women, and naked lady goats and elven women flooded the castle.

Pauno then walked to the living room and threw his hands in the air. Lightning came out of them as he brought down guacamole, Mexican salsa, nacho chips, riced cauliflower, and many napkins. Everyone in the living room cheered.

Mexican salsa music started playing in the background. Vampires, werewolves, cats, goats, elves, and snowpeople began to dance.

That, of course, was when Count Macrula's phone began to ring. "WHAT IS IT?!" he shouted as he was in the middle of chopping tomatoes at lightning speed. "I AM IN THE MIDDLE OF TRYING A LOW CARB DIET. ATKINS IS MY IDOL!!!!"

"THE IT OFFICE IS ON FIRE!" an equally loud woman shouted over the phone.

Count Macrula then started laughing as his ass off as he threw his head back. I could tell he was sick of working. "Let it burn. Fuck 'em. The Gwinnett County Fire Department would never understand the intracies of a low carb diet!!!"

"I CAN'T QUENCH THESE FUCKING FLAMES. I ALREADY PEED DURING MY LUNCH BREAK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK TODAY! I DON'T WANT TO TRY YOUR LOW CARB DIET!!!!" the loud woman shouted.

"Not that I'm aware of. If you would have tried a low carb diet, you would remembered to specifically schedule me for work," Count Macrula said as he raised his eyebrow and chopped the cilantro. "Morpheus, put this cilantro in the pico de gallo!"

"Apparently you will today. All of Gwinnett County is on fire, and we are short staffed! AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT A LOW CARB DIET! QUENCH THESE FLAMES BEFORE EVEN MORE HELL BREAKS LOOSE!!!!" the loud woman said with a sigh.

Count Macrula sighed. "Why should I be concerned?" He then laughed. "But, yes. Let me wash my hands and put a Dracula mask on. I'll be right over!" he said.

"Halloween's over, you asshole! So is Thanksgiving and so is Christmas, as a matter of fact," the loud woman shouted. "It's 2021 already. Where the fuck have you been?"

"IN A FREEZER!"Count Macrula screamed. He hung up and then screamed again. The vegan Taco Mac was done in a jiffy as a result, like gluten-free low-carb Jiffy cornbread mix. He moved time forward by an hour. Then he returned to normal. "Duty calls," he said as he then flew out of the castle and had the face of Count Dracula.

"What if I told you that you forgot to consider those of us with high blood pressure and until riced cauliflower was a menu item in Chipotle Mexican Grill, you forgot to consider those of us on a low-carb diet?" Morpheus asked as he was preparing the pico de gallo.

Literally everyone stared at Morpheus. Count Macrula's face appeared on the wall and just stared at him. He was trying to shoot death lasers at Morpheus, but his physical body was trying to fly back to the office.

"How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.

"No meat. No other animal products. Low sodium. Low gluten. Low carb. Low sugar. Real ingredients. Added hormones. And... limited advocado?" Peter said aloud before he shouted and threw his hands up dramatically, "I DON'T KNOW! I CAN'T FUCKING DO MATH!!!!!!!"

"NO LIMA BEANS!" Count Macrula shouted as his eyes had fire as pupils. He was the mirror on the kitchen wall. He was the fairest of them all.

"Would that make it ten dietary restrictions?" Pauno asked as he brought down low sodium chips, low sodium salsa, low sodium guacamole, and low carb taco shells with no salt added. "Kind of like the 10 commandments. Coincidence! I THINK NOT!" The other Greek Gods sang in the background as he spoke with conviction.

"Yes!" Count Macrula shouted. The vibrations of his voice knocked down a bowl of guacomole. "I don't think it's a coincidence, either. Hhhmmmmmmmm!!!!!"

"Goddammit!" Pauno said as he used more energy to create a table that only had bowls of chips and bowls of guacomole on it.

Paul the Goat bleated as he was jacking off. "I'm at a party, JENNA!!! You have a trust fund.... You can go to parties. Why is it my fault the Bank of the Ozarks Credit Card isn't paid off?!.... And? It's under your name!.... WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE?! THERE IS GOING TO BE A GREAT RESET AT THE END OF THE MONTH.... LOOK IT UP ON WORLD ECONOMIC FORUMS DOT COM!!!! THEY TELL YOU ON THEIR WEBSITE... I'M NOT MAKING UP SHIT!!!" he shouted as his blue eyes were bugged out of his head. He bleated for twenty-one minutes straight.

Peter couldn't help but laugh. "That's why I ain't EVER getting married," he commented.

"My marriage is fucked up sometimes, too," Joebear said. He was mixing all of the ingredients of Vegan Taco Mac together as his bear booty bounced in the air.

"Yes, you act ridiculous, too, Boo," I said as I smacked his ass as hard as I could.

"Pssh! OWWWW!!!! Bae that hurt!!!! Yeah, okay! You're the one who almost added black beans to the Taco Mac last time and thought about forcing me to eat that shit!" Joebear said with a long-winded growl. He then washed his paws.

(The shit that goes on in food preparation would mortify people if they knew about it. I used to work at Chipotle Mexican Grill back in 2014. I am an expert on the business that happened there.)

"Baby, I add all the ingredients together-" I said.

Joebear interrupted me with a growl as he dried his paws with a paper towel. "No!"

"I say! May I please have an extra side of black beans?" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London asked in his. black pleather thong. He was a great prince who I served on Sunday afternoons.

"Yes, you may!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she served him a side dish of black beans.

"Thank you, kind woman," he said as he started to eat.

"You are welcome, kind sir," Princess Lindsay Carrington said.

"Ahhhhhh!!!!! A man from the United Kingdom entered a kitchen in Untied States of America! He may be infected with the zombie virus!!!!!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he frantically threw the chopped tomatillos in the freezer. "Protect the food!!! Protect the refried beans!!!!" He was frantically putting prepared food in the freezer.

"A zombie werewolf. Sounds about right for 2021. He may radiate us all and turn us into the teenage mutant ninja turtles. I just hope he doesn't make us look like the demons in the Michael Bay movie. That was a disgrace! Ruined my childhood," I said.

"If we don't put the refried beans away, they'll be RADIATED beans! Holy Shit!" PeeWee Herman screamed as he tried to escape the kitchen through the castle window. He remembered to put his mask on (a face that looked like his) before he successfully jumped out of the window.

The remaining cast of PeeWee Herman screamed in agony as they ran around the castle in terror before they, too, put their masks on and jumped out of the window.

"Oh God! Who cares? Refried beans look out something that came out of an asshole!" Joebear yelled. "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm traumatized. I'm playing a game of Dauntless. Fuck this shit. I'm not putting on a mask. I'm not social distancing. Fuck you. "

I cracked up as I made bowls of vegan Taco Mac. 

"Just in case there are assholes who like radiated refried beans," Pauno said before he brought refried beans from the heavens. "Low sodium, low carb, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, vegan, organic, made in Heaven, heavy with hormones, and produced in Greece, freshly microwaved at 1200 watts."

Paul the Goat bleated as he hung up his phone before adding radiated refried beans to his vegan Taco Mac. He even added his own goat milk to the Taco Mac. The balance of the world was thrown off because the Taco mac was no longer vegan. He looked at his cell phone and bleated. "WHY ARE THERE 20 messages from politicians in my inbox????!!!!"

As a result, Count Macula, Jr.'s face ended up on eight walls of the castle. One of his faces ended up right next to the picture of the long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears. Count Macula, Jr. spoke in stereo. "WHY ARE THERE REFRIED BEANS IN MY CASTLE? WHY ARE THEY SENDING ME POLITICAL ADVERTISEMENTS?! MY PARENTS ALREADY VOTED STRAIGHT TICKET REPUBLICAN! WE DON'T WANT THE HOLY ROMAN EMPIRE IN AMERICA!!!!"

"Because they are a Mexican food," Pauno said. "They're there. Also, I agree. I voted straight ticket Republican. I don't want Rome to govern Greece."

"I will allow it the radiated refried beans time, but never again," Count Macula, Jr. said in stereo. "I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again. I will allow the radiated refried beans this time, but never again."

Count Macula, Jr. repeated himself 64 times. How obnoxious! Eight Count Macula, Jrs. saying the same thing eight times equals 64 times. He was ready to make that 512 times.

The computer Joebear was sitting at caught on fire and exploded. "My frame feels fried," he said as he stared at the flames emerging from the computer before Kissy jumped in his lap. "And, I am going to purge my mailbox of political ads."

I laughed. "I don't know what's going on. I haven't known what's going on for the past two years. I have been writing the same story 512 times, and I'm still not done with it. This is so stupid," I said with a laugh as I playbeat my bear. "I, too, grow tired of the political ads in my mailbox."

"It sounds like you need a raid therapist," Joebear said as he watched the World of Warcraft unfold in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle. "And I need a better group. What a bunch of scrubs."

"THERE WERE FIVE IDENTICAL FLIERS IN MY MAILBOX!!! I AM ONLY GOING TO READ ONE. I WILL PURGE MY MAILBOX OF THESE POLITICAL PIECES OF TOILET PAPER!!!! THERE WERE 20 TOTAL!!!" Count Macrula said as his face on the wall blew fire into the castle. He melted a couple of snowpeople.

Pauno laughed. "Does anyone actually give a shit about radiated refried beans right now?" he asked. "Also, these state is America is decadent. Full of Marxists. May God strike down these evil men in power!"

Before the rest of us screamed, Count Macula, Jr. screamed "Yes!" 512 times. Count Macrula refried and radiated the beans again with his breath of fire.

We heard a bunch of random angry gamers on Cutie Pie's stream shouting swear words at the Giant Count Macula, Jr. raid boss and bitching about politics. Count Macula, Jr. grew to be 30 feet tall. The fuck did we put in the low carb vegan Taco Mac?

Lifeskillers get to be pussies while the grunts take all the risks and make no money in World of Warcraft or Black Desert Online. Even in video games, no one is compensated correctly. Working for someone in America doesn't pay enough for anyone to make bills unless you are a lucky person who works for the corrupt government. And even then the government doesn't compensate correctly because they don't compensate for the mental stress they put their citizens and workers under. Their servers suck and take a shit. Doing your own business is the only way to have any sanity whatsoever.

"Are we getting on VR?" Cutie Pie asked.

"YES!" Tyler1 shouted. "It's for alcoholics and losers!"

"I'M A LOSER!" Peter screamed angrily as he got off the couch he was on.

The screen turned black. Joebear growled and complained that his eyes were sore. His eyes were watering.

Angry gamers were just chattering like hell.

A chubby man in a cat suit meowed loudly as he flew through a window next to one of Count Macula, Jr.'s faces. "I'm a hungry cat in the night, looking for food. And perhaps..." he said as he raised his black eyebrows and widened his blue eyes. "Something else!"

"I'm horny! Bbbbbaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!" BioNHack, a goat streamer who played Black Desert Online, said as he screamed like a thunder cat.

The Thunder Cats theme song started to play in the background.

"Whhhooooaaaaa!!! I'm not gay!" Catman shouted as he jumped on a table with nachos and salsas and started eating.

Count Macula, Jr.'s faces shouted ethereally 512 times in the beat of the Thunder Cats theme song, "I'm not gay! I'm not gay! Holy Shit I'm not gay! I'm not gay!"

"How do I join your world?" Cutie Pie asked as he was also dancing to the theme song.

A technicolor screen from the 60s just appeared in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle.

"Find your MD square!!!! Empty square, bro!!!!!!" Cutie Pie shouted to his posse.

"What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?" Count Macula, Jr. asked in stereo.

"I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not trying to guess," Joebear said. He made a noise that sounded like an air compressor. "I used to love WoW. It upsets me to see it turn into a retard fest. I played during BETA!!! I used to respect the game. I don't respect it anymore."

I laughed so hard. "I can't breathe," I said.

"Do you have the Rona?" Pauno asked. "Do you have the plague?"

"Technically yes. I'm from the United Kingdom," Prince Oliver, Zombie Werewolf of London, said. "Also, Braaaainsssss!!!"

A few people stopped eating, put on their masks, and ran out of the exit farthest away from any zombie werewolf.

"MY HOUSE SUCKS!!!!" an angry gamer shouted before he neighed.

"No. I don't have the plague. My temperature is 98.3 degrees Fahrenheit with no symptoms of being a zombie. I'm laughing hysterically," I said. "It gets to be too much." I belly-laughed.

"I'm BIGGGGGG!!! Just too big!!!!" Joebear said as he rolled on the floor and did a cute growl.

A bunch of gamers laughed their asses off before they farted. They were drunk already.

[333rdmonkman]

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: Chapter 1; Something's Wrong with Jambi - Part 1

         Cowboy Curtis always felt at peace when unsaddling his horse, Mary Sue, outside of Pee-wee’s playhouse.  It was something about the forest of Puppet Land he must ride through to get there that did it, he was sure.  And he knew it wasn’t just him that noticed it either.  Everyone who visited the playhouse greeted those who were inside through the main window, which was almost always open, as they approached the front door with big, welcoming smiles, and exuded an aura of great cheer.  It was because they had to travel through the forest to get there.  It was like some kind of magic.          He tied up the reigns on a post Pee-wee had put there specifically for him and Mary Sue, a trauth of fresh water, with a hint of lemon (just as she likes it), and a bucket of newly sowed oats sitting next to it.  “Bless ya, Pee-wee,” he said from behind a toothy grin.          Plucking a stray lock of her mane from out of her face and tucking it behind her ear, he said, “You sit tight, darlin’.  You have some o’ them tasty oats an’ I’ll be back before ya know it.”  As if to give her consent, Mary Sue snorted and stomped her hoof, before burying her snout in the bucket.  Satisfied she was content, Curtis began to make his way up the stairs to the front door.          As he approached the main window, opened wide, as always, he glimpsed a flower looking out at him from inside.  He flashed it his most charming smile, and it smiled back, and…  Did it blush?  The flower disappeared from view, but he could here a small child-like voice excitedly whisper, “Straighten up girls!  Cowboy Curtis is here!”  This was followed by a cluster of giggling and even a, “How do my petals look?” by very similar voices.            Curtis knew it was silly, but he puffed out his chest and put on his most manly strut.  As all three pretty little flowers came into view, he saw that they were all standing perfectly straight, not a bend in their stems, and their petals were puffed out and pouty.         “Well, howdy there!  And how are the three most lovely li’l lilies there ever was on this gee-orgeous afternoon?”          “Oh, Cowboy Curtis, are you flirting with us?” they asked in unison, creating a harmony in the phrase that would not normally be there if they had said the same thing in the same way separately.          He chuckled amicably.  “I just very well may be.”  At this their stems curled as they swooned and their petals folded forward to hide their… Yup, they’re blushing.  Well, that’s something they don’t share on The Nature of Things with David Suzuki.          “Hey, so is Pee-wee around?  I came to see what crazy antics he is up to today,” he asked once they had regained some form of composure.          “He left to help The King of Cartoons find a cartoon he misplaced,” answered one.          “He went to help Reba the Mail Lady deliver bills.”, said another.          “He’s gone to help Miss Yvonne, the most beautiful woman in all of Puppet Land, go dress shopping,” relayed the last.          Curtis’s eyes widened.  “Well, did he go help The King of Cartoons, Reba the Mail Lady, or Miss Yvonne?”          “He went to help all of them,” they once again said together.          “It’s been a busy day,” said the first.          “So, it would seem,” he chuckled.  Pee-wee Herman always amazed him.          “I’m sure he wouldn’t mind if I stepped in an’ took a load off.  It was a long ride,” which was only half true.  It was a long ride through the Forest, but it had a way of rejuvenating those who passed through it, and he wasn’t as tired as he made himself sound.          The three posies giggled amongst themselves for a moment before turning back to him and saying together, “You’re always welcome at the Playhouse, Cowboy Curtis!”          “Thank you, very kindly, ladies.”  Tipping his hat to them, he stepped passed the window and before he pushed open the most oddly shaped door he has ever come across, even after all his travels, and walked inside, he saw movement in the corner of his eye.  He looked up and saw a kite hanging high in the sky, swaying slightly in the afternoon.          He waved and greeted it, “Why, howdy, Mr. Kite.  How’s the weather lookin’ today?”          The kite raised one spindly arm and waved back.   “Hello there, Cowboy Curtis.  The weather is just fine and dandy as far as my eyes can see.”          “Well that’s great to hear!  Thank you kindly, Mr. Kite,” and he stepped inside.          In all of Puppet Land, magic is all around them.  Felt, but never seen.  The deeper into the forest one travels, the more powerful the magic felt, and visual signs became relevant.  It changed before your eyes.  One moment it would be a peaceful wood, then the next a playful jungle, and then a quaint savannah, and then back to a forest again.  Even the animals that naturally belong to these habitats wander freely, but never are they aggressive to passersby.  But it was the Playhouse that was the center to it all.  Where magic was truly seen in almost everything that existed within and around it.  Nearly all the items in the house were alive, conscious personalities that could talk just like people.  Even parts of the Playhouse itself were alive, as was evidenced by the large pile of wood on the floor by Pee-wee’s bunk bed on the other side of the common room that stared back at him with large swirling eyes.          “Good afternoon, Floory,” said Curtis.          With his usual slow and melancholy voice, the pile of wood replied, “Good afternoon, Cowboy Curtis.”          Curtis gazed around the room and saw all the things he’d grown accustomed to since he became friends with Pee-wee.  Things he was happy to call his friends, as well. And he greeted them all.          “Howdy, Globey.  Clocky.  Conky.  Magic Screen.  Chairy.  Pterry. “  They all responded in a nearly unintelligible jumble of salutations.          Chairy began waving her armrests wildly to get his attention.  “Pee-wee’s not here right now, but if you want to sit and wait, I’d love for you to have a seat on me.”          He took off his hat, “Well, I’m much obliged, there, Chairy.  I could think of no better place to sit.”          “Oh, Cowboy Curtis, you’re too sweet,” she replied as he plopped down on top of her.  She wrapped her armrests around him cozily.  He had to admit, Chairy was the most comfortable piece of furniture he’d ever had the pleasure of sitting on.  Heck, he’d bet that even the King of Cartoons’ throne wasn’t as comfortable as she was.          Placing his hat in his lap, bringing his hands to the back of his head to lay back on, and crossing his surprisingly clean boots, he stretched out and relaxed.          “So, how long do you think we’ll have to wait?” he asked of them, and was answered with a cacophony of screams and laughter.          “What?  Did I say the secret word?”, he asked with a stunned smile on his face.          Pterry, the talking pterodactyl, swooped down from where he was perched and landed on Chairy’s back -- or head, he could never tell for sure -- just over his right shoulder.  “Yes you did, Cowboy Curtis!  You did!  You did!” he exclaimed.          “What?  Wait?” Another blaring of screams answered him and he could not help but join in the laughter that followed.          Pterry was hopping up and down excitedly, his wings flapping wildly.  “I so do love the secret word!”          “So do I, Pterry.  So do I,” he said as he patted the little dinosaur on the head amiably.          Curtis leaned back and stared at the ceiling thoughtfully for a moment then said to himself, “I wish Pee-wee will get back soon.  I was really hopin’ to hang out with him today.”          A glow at the corner of his eye caught his attention.  When he looked to where the glow was emanating he saw the familiar ornately carved wooden box that housed the most powerful source of magic of all.  Two panels swung open like double doors to reveal that powerful source, but from his vantage point he could not see inside.          “Wish?” spoke a regal, yet flamboyant voice.  The voice of Jambi the Genie.  “Did somebody say wish?”

[tittyandronidonk]

Wow Allen forgot his phone at his parents house before we went to the gym and now I cant text him to tell him that Reba the mail lady is in this episode of whatever hospital drama is on the TV here :(

[lboogie1906]

Sharon Epatha Merkerson (born November 28, 1952) is a film, stage, and television actress. She has received numerous high-profile accolades for her work, including an Emmy Award, a Golden Globe Award, a Screen Actors Guild Award, four NAACP Image Awards, two Obie Awards, and two Tony Award nominations. She is known for her award-winning portrayal of Lieutenant Anita Van Buren on Law & Order. She is known for playing Reba the Mail Lady on Pee-wee's Playhouse and Sharon Goodwin in Chicago Med. She has appeared on The Cosby Show, among other series. Her career began to rise after she assumed the lead role in the one-woman play Lady Day at Emerson's Bar and Grill. That was followed by her performance as Berniece in August Wilson's Pulitzer Prize-winning play The Piano Lesson. For that, she was nominated for a Tony Award as Best Featured Actress in a Play. She won an Obie Award in 1992 for her work in I'm Not Stupid. Her screen credits include Jacob's Ladder, Loose Cannons, She's Gotta Have It, James Cameron's Terminator 2: Judgment Day; and Navy Seals. She won a Golden Globe Award, an Emmy Award, and a Screen Actors Guild award for her performance in Lackawanna Blues. She starred as Lola Delaney in the Los Angeles stage production of William Inge's Come Back, Little Sheba. She played a role in the Movie Radio, as Maggie Kennedy Radio’s mother. She became the host of Find Our Missing. She performed in Lincoln as Lydia Hamilton Smith. She appeared in the Primary Stages production of While I Yet Live. She became a spokesperson for Merck America’s Diabetes Challenge, to increase Type 2 diabetes awareness among African Americans. #africanhistory365 #africanexcellence https://www.instagram.com/p/CXBjCLqLv3-Af6eSt5-8mDxMcYlaR9NjVGOBk00/?utm_medium=tumblr

[spookyhelder]

On my very very long trek to Lloyd Center, I came across this tiny antique store called the Pop-Up Shoppe (@popupshoppevintage). I got 29 year old Reba the Mail Lady and Ricardo figures, as well as an 18 year old figure of Japanese wrestling legend Antonio Inoki! (at Pop-Up Shoppe - Official Store)

[queennicoleinboots]

Vegan Taco Mac with Count Macrula and Count Macula, Jr., part 7

Count Macrula, Count Macula, Jr., FreeLee the Banana Girl, and I returned from Publix and saw Joebear and the spirit of Colonel America smashing the TVs. Joebear had anger issues because he lost to Hecarim in League of Losers too many times.

FreeLee the Banana Girl saw the TVs being destroyed and was pleased.

"Send FreeLee the Banana Girl to the heavens! She is done here!" Count Macrula shouted as lightning shot out of the palms of his hands.

FreeLee the Banana Girl floated to heaven. Everyone noticed, nodded, and then went on with his or her day.

Joebear then grabbed a TV, walked outside, and took a dump on the TV. I got excited and joined him outside. I grabbed the right cheek of that big bear ass.

"This WILL NOT DO!" Count Macrula shouted. "We need a castle in order to have Vegan Taco Mac with Count Macula, Jr!"

Tyler1, Joebear, the cast of PeeWee Herman, Paul the Goat, Patches, Lindsay, Prince Carrington, and Nugget screamed.

Count Macrula sang in dark angelic language before he shouted, "HOOOMMEEE!!!!" in a baritone language. A gothic castle descended slowly from the sky onto Count Macula, Jr.'s family of gray bears' property.

We were all of a sudden surrounded by great high cathedral ceilings that were painted with Count Macula, Jr.'s family photos, including his long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears when he was still Colonel Mac. Count Macula Jr.'s father's van was parked in a valet garage by a beautiful arc angel who looked like Quentin Tarantino. He parked the van next to a black 1933 hearse that looked like the one used in the first Dracula movie.

Count Macula Jr.'s computer desk was upgraded to dark oak with multiple drawers and a place to put the computer.

Count Macula Jr. himself began to change again. His gray hair now was silver, so he was a silver bear. He also had bat wings and even sharper teeth. "Coooool!!!! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool! Cool!" he shouted as his high-pitched Southern voice echoed in the castle.

"WOW!!! This kitchen looks incredible!!!" Lindsay, my brunette friend with large brown eyes, shouted as she poked her head in the kitchen door. "I didn't know Colonel Mac lived in a gothic castle! Wow!!!." She was wearing a royal red princess gown. She was now Princess Lindsay Carrington from Savannah, GA. Her husband was Prince Carrington from London.

Count Macula, Jr. skipped over to her and stared at her. "Dear Princess, my name is no longer Colonel Mac," he said.

Princess Lindsay Carrington stared at the silver cub before her. "Excuse me. I was addressing Colonel Mac. I know not of whom thou art," she spoke as she chewed on a nacho.

"I am Count Macula, Jr! I have become a silver cub due to Count Macrula granting me vampiric powers. I am a vambear," the silver cub said as he looked directly at Princess Lindsay Carrington.

"So you're telling me that you were formerly known as Colonel Mac and that you are now Count Macula, Jr.?" Princess Lindsay Carrington asked.

"Yes," Count Macula, Jr. said. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes!"

"So much can happen in a grocery shopping trip!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said dramatically.

Patches, Princess Lindsay Carrington's cat, walked in the kitchen and meowed loudly. She shook the whole fucking castle.

"JEE WHIZ!!! WHAT DO YOU WANT?!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted like Tyler1 as he skipped in the kitchen. He had a widow's peak and intense brown eyes. Needless to say, he had a set of lungs on him.

"Are you Count Colonel Mac?" Patches asked.

"NO!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted.

Joebear, Colonel America's spirit, Count Macrula, Mr. Williamson, Princess Lindsay Carrington, Kendrick, Pauno, and Peter's therapist, the cast of PeeWee Herman, and I started cooking the vegan taco mac.

We are sorry we had to interrupt Count Macula, Jr.'s shouting rant, but if we plan to eat today, we have to get started.

"No! No! No! No! No!... No!" Count Macula, Jr. shouted. "I have no affiliation with the military, nor do I want to. I don't believe in murder. I'm a passive bear, although because my fur is now silver," he said before he took a deep breath. "MY LUNGS ARE STRONGER THAN EVER!!!"

"EAR RAPE!!!" Tyler1 yelled as he covered his ears. "He is louder than me."

Colonel America's spirit wavered in the air. "I have returned to fill an important role in this story. I am the logic in this otherwise completely illogical nonsensical saga," he announced as he began to boil the canned beans.

"Not to mention the Colonel role," Count Macrula stated as-a-matter-of-factly as he was washing the spinach.

"Where are the avocados?" Mr. Williamson asked. "We're supposed to have guacamole with vegan Taco mac."

"Says whhoooooooo??? Yiiiickkkkk!!!" Count Macula, Jr. said.

"Agreed. Fuck avocados. Worst fruit ever. Should be abolished," I said.

"Disagreed. The only thing worse than an avocado is a lima bean," Count Macrula said. He shuddered. "The horror!"

A random bear jumped in the kitchen and said, "I brought lima beans for the vegan taco mac with Count Macrula-"

Count Macrula screamed and used red eye rays to disintregrate that poor bear and the lima beans.

I continued to chop up peppers and onions.

"So are you not even allowed to bring lima beans in the kitchen?" Reba the Mail Lady asked.

Count Macrula shot his death rays at Reba the Mail Lady and disintregrated her.

Princess Lindsay Carrington started rinsing the rice for the rice cooker. "That answers our question. Can we even mention Lima-"

Count Macrula was shooting the death rays in her direction.

"Lima, Peru! It's one of my favorite cities to visit. I say!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she was dramatically trying to catch her breath.

Count Macrula then smiled widely and said, "Why yes! That is one of my favorite cities! You can mention that all you like!" he said as he washing the lettuce.

"Did you know avocados are good?!" Peter shouted as he poked his head in the kitchen.

I threw the knife I was using to chop up peppers and onions at Peter's head.

Peter left and started laughing.

"Wow baebae!" Joebear said as he put the macaroni in the boiling water. He set the timer for 10 minutes.

"No avocados for me! I didn't buy any!" I said as I growled and continued to chop peppers and onions.

PeeWee Herman picked up the knife, did his typical laugh, and did a goofy walk in the kitchen. He washed the knife before chopping up the tomatillos.

Miss Oreo meowed.

Pauno then walked in the kitchen. "For people who like guacamole or tacos while they wait, I shall make them rain from the sky!" he announced.

"Thank you," Mr. Williamson said.

Pauno then walked to the living room and threw his hands in the air. Lightning came out of them as he brought down guacamole, Mexican salsa, nacho chips, and many napkins. Everyone in the living room cheered.

Mexican salsa music started playing in the background.

That, of course, was when Count Macrula's phone began to ring. "WHAT IS IT?!" he shouted as he was in the middle of chopping tomatoes at lightning speed.

"THE IT OFFICE IS ON FIRE!" an equally loud woman shouted over the phone.

Count Macrula then started laughing as his ass off as he threw his head back. I could tell he was sick of working.

"I CAN'T QUENCH THESE FUCKING FLAMES. I ALREADY PEED DURING MY LUNCH BREAK! I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE AT WORK TODAY!" the loud woman shouted.

"Not that I'm aware of," Count Macrula said as he raised his eyebrow and chopped the cilantro. "Morpheus, put this cilantro in the pico de gallo!"

"Aparently you will today. All of Gwinnett County is on fire, and we are short staffed!" the loud woman said with a sigh.

Count Macrula sighed. "Yes. Let me wash my hands and put a Dracula mask on. I'll be right over!" he said.

"Halloween's over, you asshole!" the loud woman shouted.

Count Macrula hung up and then screamed. The vegan Taco Mac was done in a jiffy as a result. He moved time forward by an hour. Then he returned to normal. "Duty calls," he said as he then flew out of the castle and had the face of Count Dracula.

"What if I told you that you forgot to consider those of us with high blood pressure?" Morpheus asked as he was preparing the pico de gallo.

Literally everyone stared at him. Count Macrula's face appeared on the wall and just stared at him. He was trying to shoot death lasers at Morpheus, but his physical body was trying to fly back to the office.

"How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story? How many dietary restrictions are we going to have in this fucking story?" Count Macula, Jr. asked.

"Eight," Peter answered. "No meat. No other animal products. Low sodium. Low gluten. Low sugar. Real ingredients. No added hormones. And... limited advocado?"

"NO LIMA BEANS!" Count Macrula shouted as his eyes had fire as pupils. He was the mirror on the kitchen wall.

"Would that make it nine dietary restrictions?" Pauno asked as he brought down low sodium chips, low sodium salsa, low sodium guacamole, and taco shells with no salt added.

"Yes!" Count Macrula shouted. The vibrations of his voice knocked down a bowl of guacomole.

"Goddammit!" Pauno said as he used more energy to create a table that only had bowls of chips and bowls of guacomole on it.

Paul the Goat bleated. "I'm at a party, JENNA!!! You have a trust fund.

... You can go to parties. Why is it my fault the Bank of the Ozarks Credit Card isn't paid off?!.... And? It's under your name!" he shouted as his blue eyes were bugged out of his head. He bleated for five minutes straight.

Peter couldn't help but laugh. "That's why I ain't EVER getting married," he commented.

"My marriage is fucked up sometimes, too," Joebear said. He was mixing all of the ingredients of Vegan Taco Mac together.

"Yes, you act ridiculous, too, Boo," I said.

"Pssh! Yeah, okay! You're the one who almost added black beans to the Taco Mac last time and thought about forcing me to eat that shit!" Joebear said with a growl.

"Baby, I add all the ingredients together-" I said.

Joebear interrupted me with a growl. "No!"

"I say! May I please have an extra side of black beans?" Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London asked. He was a great prince who I served on Sunday afternoons.

"Yes, you may!" Princess Lindsay Carrington said as she served him a side dish of black beans.

"Thank you, kind woman," he said as he started to eat.

"You are welcome, kind sir," Princess Lindsay Carrington said.

"You know what we forgot?" PeeWee Herman asked.

"What?" I asked.

"Refried beans!" PeeWee Herman said.

The remaining cast of PeeWee Herman screamed in agony as they ran around the castle in terror.

"Oh God! Who cares? Refried beans look out something that came out of an asshole!" Joebear yelled. "Fuck it. I'm done. I'm traumatized. I'm playing a game of Paladins. Fuck this shit."

I cracked up as I made bowls of vegan Taco Mac for everyone.

"Just in case there are assholes who like refried beans," Pauno said before he brought refried beans from the heavens. "Low sodium, gluten free, dairy free, soy free, vegan, organic, made in Heaven, and produced in Greece."

Paul the Goat bleated as he hung up his phone before adding refried beans to his vegan Taco Mac.

Count Macula, Jr.'s face ended up on eight walls of the castle. One of his faces ended up right next to the picture of the long lost cousin's sister's brother's former college roommate, whom he mentioned was absolutely nobody to him back in Swamp Ass With Bears. Count Macula, Jr. spoke in stereo. "WHY ARE THERE REFRIED BEANS IN MY CASTLE?"

"Because they are a Mexican food," Pauno said. "They're there."

"I will allow it this time, but never again," Count Macula, Jr. said in stereo. "I will allow it this time, but never again. I will allow it this time, but never again. I will allow it this time, but never again. I will allow it this time, but never again. I will allow it this time, but never again. I will allow it this time, but never again. I will allow it this time, but never again."

Count Macula, Jr. repeated himself 64 times. How obnoxious! Eight Count Macula, Jrs. saying the same thing eight times equals 64 times.

The computer Joebear was sitting at caught on fire and exploded. "My frame feels fried. Time to go to bed," he said as he stared at the flames emerging from the computer.

I laughed. "I don't know what's going on. I haven't known what's going on all year. I have been writing the same story 64 times, and I'm still not done with it. This is so stupid," I said with a laugh.

"It sounds like you need a raid therapist," Joebear said as he watched the World of Warcraft unfold in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle.

"Fuck you. I don't exist this week," Count Macrula said as his face left the wall.

Pauno laughed. "Does anyone actually give a shit about refried beans right now?" he asked.

Before the rest of us screamed, Count Macula, Jr. screamed "Yes!" 64 times.

We heard a bunch of random angry gamers on Cutie Pie's stream shouting swear words at the Giant Count Macula, Jr. raid boss. Count Macrula, Jr. grew to be 30 foot tall. The fuck did we put in the vegan Taco Mac?

"Are we getting on VR?" Cutie Pie asked.

"YES!" Tyler1 shouted. "It's for alcoholics and losers!"

"I'M A LOSER!" Peter screamed angrily as he got off the couch he was on.

The screen turned black.

"I'm unzipping my pants!" Cutie Pie said.

Angry gamers were just chattering like hell. The remaining cast of PeeWee Herman screamed and talked about random shit.

"I'm horny! Hah Hah!" PeeWee Herman said.

"How do I join your world?" Cutie Pie asked.

A technicolor screen from the 60s just appeared in Count Macula, Jr.'s castle.

"What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is going on?" Count Macula, Jr. asked in stereo.

"I don't know what's happening right now. I'm not trying to guess," Joebear said. He made a noise that sounded like an air compressor.

I laughed so hard. "I can't breathe," I said.

"Do you have the Rona?" Pauno asked.

"MY HOUSE SUCKS!!!!" an angry gamer shouted before he neighed.

"No. I'm laughing hysterically," I said. "It gets to be too much." I belly-laughed.

"I'm BIGGGGGG!!! Just too big!!!!" Joebear said as he rolled on the floor and did a cute growl.

A bunch of gamers laughed their asses off. They were drunk already. Princess Lindsay Carrington, Prince Carrington, and Prince Oliver, Werewolf of London were drinking heavily to deal with the stress of this castle.

Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile burst through the castle doors and growled. They then went to eat bowls of vegan Taco Mac. Then they drank a few bottles of Jameson.

Cutie Pie materialized and laughed with Ted the Alligator and Jack the Crocodile.

A snowman fell out of the sky and started laughing hysterically and rolling on the floor. Then he fucking melted.

"What the fuck?" Cutie Pie asked. "Jameson actually tastes like ass."

Prince Carrington laughed SLIGHTLY too loudly. So did Peter.

Bruce Dwillinger, a youtube King James Bible preacher, descended from the Heavens and said, "Hey! You're all losers!"

Kissy walked around the castle. Garfield danced to some party music. Joebear announced. "This is ridiculous. Not gonna lie. Here we go... Dawgs..."

DarthSydePhineas then dropped these beats: https://youtu.be/RIWWEpx-PiQ

[333rdmonkman]

The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny: Chapter 1; Something's Wrong with Jambi - Part 2

         “Wish?” spoke a regal, yet flamboyant voice.  The voice of Jambi the Genie.  “Did somebody say wish?”          With renewed excitement, Curtis leaped up from off of Chairy, which inadvertently startled Pterry, causing him to flap his wings madly and lifting himself in the air a couple feet.  Curtis didn’t even notice in his hurry to speak to Jambi.  He crossed the distance in two big strides, bringing him directly in front of the opened box.  He was not surprised when he saw the glowing, green-skinned and turbaned floating head that was Jambi the Genie.          “Well, I did, Jambi,” he explained to the head in the box.  “I wished Pee-wee was finished with helping Miss Yvonne, Reba the Mail Lady, and the King of Cartoons, so he and I could spend some time together.”          The head tilted slightly inside the box, “As you know I can only grant one wish a day, and I usually save it for Pee-wee, but, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind his good friend, Cowboy Curtis, having a wish here and there.”          Curtis was not even thinking of Pee-wee anymore.  He was too excited to be getting a wish of his own.  “Well, I’d be most grateful, there, Jambi.  Thank you!”          The head turned down bashfully, “Please.  Any friend of Pee-wee’s is a friend of mine.  I’m sure Pee-wee would have given you this wish even if he were here.”          Curtis grinned widely, “Except, if he were here I wouldn’t need to make the wish in the first place.”          Jambi appeared perplexed at this concept, before his eyes widen and a bright white smile framed his red tongue.  “Aah!  You certainly are clever, Cowboy Curtis!”           This time it was Curtis who shrugged bashfully.  “Ah, well…”          Jambi cleared his nonexistent throat, to get them back on track.  “You’ve been present many times when Pee-wee made his wishes, so I’m sure you know how this works.  But just in case you weren’t paying attention, just repeat after me.”          Curtis eagerly nodded his affirmation.          “Mecha lecha hi mecha hiney hiney ho!” commanded Jambi.          “Mecha lecha hi mecha hiney hiney ho!” repeated Curtis.          “Mecha lecha hi mecha lecha chally ho!”          “Mecha lecha hi mecha lecha chally ho!”          “Mecha lecha hi mecha lecha cumma home!”          “Mecha lecha hi mecha lecha cumma -- whoa!” finished Curtis as suddenly Jambi’s skin tone changed from a bright glistening green to an angry red and his sparkling eyes rolled back into his head.  The pleasant glow that usually emanated from inside the box was snuffed out, leaving a black emptiness.          The floating head that was Jambi the Genie, began to twitch and convulse savagely and Curtis could not help but fall back on his rump and kicking himself backward frantically in horror until he collided against something hard and with odd and jagged edges that dug into his spine and ribs painfully.  When he looked to see what he came up against he saw the emotionless facade of Conky, the robot, gazing down at him.          “What--  What--  What’s happening to Jambi, Cowboy Curtis?” he asked, worry evident in his voice, if not his face.          Curtis wished he knew.  In all his time coming to the Playhouse he’d never witnessed Jambi do anything like this before, nor had he before heard from any of the others that they had either.  “I--  I don’t know, Conky?  I just don’t know.”          Jambi started spewing out sounds that might have been words, but they were coming out so fast he couldn’t tell for sure.  He thought he recognized some words, but they were not in English.  Curtis had spent enough time with Miss Renee to pick up a few of the terms and phrases she used, and Curtis thought he heard a few spoken by Jambi now.  The language he felt sure was, or at least a close cousin to, Hebrew.  The sound of the genie’s voice sounded hollow and echoey, as if he were hollering down a wide and long tin hallway.          Always appearing when his shenanigans are least wanted, down dropped Randy, a ginger-haired puppet with braces who just loved to antagonize people.  Curtis was sure that Randy was the only mean thing in the Forest of Puppetland.  Even the one-eyed monster, Roger, who was terrifying to behold, turned out to be just a lonely soul looking for a friend.  Randy looked at the terrible spectacle was Jambi the Genie at that moment and then to Cowboy Curtis.  “Oh, Pee-wee ain’t gonna be happy when he finds out you broke his genie.”          Curtis gave Randy a disapproving look.  “I didn’t break ‘im!  He just started doin’--” he gestured to Jambi.  “Well, he just started doin’ that!”          “He looks like he’s using Pee-wee’s exercise machine, while trying to do a tongue twister,” jived Randy.          “Do you have anything to say that might be of some help?”          “Do I look like an exorcist?” sneered Randy.  “Besides, you should know by now that the only person I help is myself, and I can’t wait to see the look on Pee-wee’s face when he sees Jambi jibbering like a maniac.”          Curtis was aware that Randy had said the day’s secret word, and knew the others had heard him, as well, yet nobody screamed, and nobody laughed.  All of a sudden he felt everybody’s eyes on him, and he could sense that they were lookin’ to brave Cowboy Curtis for direction.  Only, he had no idea what to do.  What could he do?  He was just as lost and scared as they were.  He gazed around and saw what he knew he’d see, and he felt utterly helpless.  As if to exaggerate this, Jambi’s box began to quiver and shake, creating a dramatic, if sporadic, drumroll on the wood of it’s stand.          “Ah, forget this!  You ain’t draggin’ me into this!” exclaimed Randy before leaping back into the ceiling where Curtis assumed he lived.         The rattling of the box became more insistent, bringing his attention back to Jambi.  The genie’s red-faced head was twisting and shaking, ałl the while spewing out what Curtis presumed was the genie dialect at such a pace that he wondered if Jambi had time to take a breath.  Heck, he didn’t even know if he breathed to begin with.  If he ever returned to normal Curtis would have to make it a point to ask him.          So, distraught he was with Jambi’s wildly swinging head that he almost didn’t notice the box tipping off the edge of its stand.  He leapt from where he was pressed up against Conky and barely landed within fingers reach of the falling box.  Though he got his digits underneath it in time, the box was much heavier than it looked and its weight kept its momentum and crushed the last three fingers of his right hand.  He tried to pull his hand away in pain, but something kept it glued to the box.  And when he looked to see what was keeping it there it was instead Jambi himself that caught his eye.  Still glowing a fiery red, the head was spinning around rapidly, saying, “Mecha lecha hi--  Mecha lecha--  Mecha--  Mecha lecha --  Lecha--” like a broken record.          Out of simple desperation from lack of any other ideas, but with no hope that it would help, Curtis pleaded, “C’mon, Jambi!  Wake up!”          Immediately the genie’s head stopped spinning.  His skin reverted back to a shiny green.  And his starry eyes replaced the blank whites, only they didn’t seem to be looking at Curtis, or at anything at all, he was sure.  That Jambi the Genie was “broken,” as Randy had put it, and that it was somehow possibly his fault weighed on him as he stared into those blank eyes. The black void remained, however, making the reverted face of Jambi seem even scarier than it had when it was glowing red.  The familiar flashy smile creased the genie’s handsome features, but it lacked the warmth it usually had.  This smile almost seemed menacing.  Curtis’s heart sunk even further. “Mecha lecha hi mecha goin’ home!” commanded Jambi from behind his usual charming smile and then there was a blinding flash and Curtis and Jambi were never seen at Pee-wee’s Playhouse again.