#reblogging on this account as well because im mentally ill and this post made me weep

[ofyourmightyharmxnies]

PINNED POST.

★ 。＼WILBUR SOOT｜LMANBUR ERA.／。★

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — roleplay account for c!wilbur; canon-compliant, operates in the same timeline as everything regarding the character in the l'manburg era, albeit it's expanded and contextualized to fit my interpretation of him! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — l'manbur will be running the blog like how political figures tend to run their own social media accounts, and is sort of a celebrity because of his status as l'manburg's president. he will behave quite seriously, and be quite selective in replies (and they will fail miserably at both these parts honestly; although she tries, they tend to be silly at times!) +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — any words that are akin to threats won't be taken too lightly around him, as although she favors the rebellious types, she would hate the prospect of you threatening l'manburg in any way. they do split quite easily, more than they let on. their responses might range from stoic to outright emotional. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — l'manbur uses he/she/they pronouns, and any kind of pronouns they come across. the egg has long since been cracked, but they're still the young phase of c!wilbur's life after all, so they're still curiously exploring things regarding their sexuality as well as their gender identity. they're still questioning their sexuality, debating on bisexual or lesbian. or maybe something else? +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — they will respond to flirting depending on his mood really. sometimes, he will look at you unfazed and remind you that you two are in a public place. sometimes he gives you a little wink, and tease about the fact that you both are in public. again, really just depends on how confident she's feeling that day. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — will not respond well to anything suggestive or NSFW-related content however. they will try and act like the bigger person, but if one persists, it's outright silent treatment coming from him. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — suffers from immense war trauma, and very anxious when it comes to any form of intimacy or closeness whatsoever. cautious when it comes to trust, but when he does trust you, she's a very gentle person. i promise you! character shipping will be selective, and done with much careful planning as well as consent between both parties. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — undiagnosed silent BPD and unbeknownst to him, l'manbur's also beginning to develop a psychotic disorder. written by someone with BPD and with schizophrenia! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — almost everything in this blog will be drawn by me personally! especially on portraits and selfies of l'manbur. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — again, themes of mental illness is prevalent within this blog, but this is all still made in light-hearted fun! nevertheless, l'manbur's repressive when it comes to approaching or expressing his trauma, and very fragile at the same time. hints of paranoia will be dropped there and then, so whenever necessary, i will drop trigger warnings for things such as s/h. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — all of her posts will be tagged accordingly to certain subjects; any open, political statements will be made with the tag #the president's speaking, for instance; announcements regarding the state of l'manburg will be accompanied by the tag #l'man announcements, responses to anything would be #l'man responds?! reblogs, although rare since she tries to keep her blog not so personal, will be tagged with #l'man's reblogs <3 any other mundane post will be tagged with #the president's thoughts or another rare one, #the president's daily life. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — out of character (like where i talk specifically) are messages marked by symbols; '//' !! like for ex: // HAJAJSJS im dying so hard +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — you can send writing prompts, starters, and one shots! i will be more than happy to provide! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — everything regarding her is within my personal headcanons; don't like? then just scroll away, easier done and said! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — blog monitored by @parfaitxparlour ; this pinned post can and might be updated as time goes on! +

[ofthatcolossalwrxck]

PINNED POST.

★ 。＼WILBUR SOOT｜REVIVEBUR ERA.／。★

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — roleplay account for c!wilbur; canon-divergent, operates in the same timeline as the events of post-hitting on sixteen up until the finale. the character's ending is NOT canon to this blog. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — from this post onwards, i will be acting as if revivebur himself is running the blog herself. almost every entry will be written as if it's a diary log, because that's how she practically uses this account! don't be too surprised this blog consists so much of her reblogs to her interests (poetry for instance) and her talks regarding daily, mundane life. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — revivebur can answer or ignore depending on how i think she would react to your interactions, anonymous asks, etc. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — revivebur uses he/she pronouns. wouldn't mind if you call her by any other pronouns, like they/them. just not all the time. for other alternative names to call her, you can call her wilbur. revivebur. rev. anything, really. or by her alias, march. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — i will be depicting her as transfem; he personally identifies as an aromantic, sex-repulsed asexual. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — i am certain she will ignore any explicit NSFW-related content from accounts she doesn't know too well and even if she knows you, doesn't make her any less uncomfortable. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — suggestive flirting is okay, but he'll be a bit freaked out if you try and advance further on that. revivebur's okay with flirting in general, especially playful banter and stuff.

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — however she is aromantic, so though she may play along, she will not develop strong romantic feelings for your character. the strongest feeling you could ever get from her will always be queer platonic. +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — heavily BPD and schizophrenic coded, written by someone with BPD and schizophrenia! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — it is of my personal headcanon that she shows very little photos since revivebur's scared of her own appearance. if ever, she reaches the point of confidence where she sends pictures of herself, i will be the one to draw it. everything else will be drawn personally! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — this is an account i made for fun; i might do a bit of angst there and there, but that's because it's revivebur. themes regarding mental illness is present, and any kind of triggering content will be tagged. obviously, she might darkly joke about the things she went through, and i cannot ignore her trauma for it's an integral part to her character. but for the most part, all of it will be done in light-hearted fun for me and my friends! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — all of her posts will be tagged accordingly to certain subjects; her entries in particular will be tagged by #rev's personal entries. any other mundane posts will go under the #rev's daily life.. tag or #rev's thoughts. reblogs will be tagged by #rev's reblogs; and responses to asks or anything else will be tagged by #rev responds! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — out of character (like where i talk specifically) are messages marked by symbols; '//' !! like for ex: // HAJAJSJS im dying so hard +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — you can send writing prompts, starters, and one shots! i will be more than happy to provide! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — everything regarding her is within my personal headcanons; don't like? then just scroll away, easier done and said! +

☆ ⋅ ⋆ — blog monitored by @parfaitxparlour ; this pinned post can and might be updated as time goes on! +

[musashi]

hey, i hope this isnt a weird ask and if it is feel free to not respond!

the post you reblogged on cluster b disorders reminded me that you have one and i do as well, and i was wondering if you know of any good places / tumblr accounts that you could recommend that talk about them? i feel like any time i try to find community regarding cluster b disorders the only things i ever see are either people saying how evil people who have them are or endless posts that are "people with cluster b disorders are valid!" repeated over and over, i feel like its so difficult to find just normal discussion of them among people who have them

im gonna be real i patently avoid mental illness communities on tumblr because they ruined my mental health. they made me obsessed with my disorder as a facet of my identity and as a result made me reluctant to recover and let go of it. there is not a lot of resources on how to actually accommodate yourself/fix your brain because they focus so heavily on normalizing and validating that they forget the part where its a good thing to also want to live a healthy life. a ton of them put the onus on the people close to the disordered person to just 'deal' with it instead of offering ways to help/communicate. i cannot in good faith recommend hanging out in those communities especially to the younger more impressionable folks who follow me.

as a general rule though, the #actually tags are full of real people talking about their experience. so like #actuallyborderline and #actuallybpd, you might be able to find some accounts that way. they exist for pretty much every disorder/disability under the sun.

i remember @shitborderlinesdo being a pretty good space, too. just, like, be careful. it can be addicting to meet likeminded people who make you feel less alone. just try not to fall into the idea that you are beholden to your disorder and can never learn to work with it. when i was in my early 20s and late teens, BPD felt like i was being set on fire every single day. nowadays it's just a low hum, itchy sometimes but i have a backscratcher.

[critterchitters-closedcaptions]

Hi, this is gona be a long ass post and im on mobile, so hang with me.

first, ill cut right to the chase

Im currently unemployed and need money to exist in this capitalist hellscape.

so, since thats my current predicament, ill be taking commissions!

here are some examples of things ive done and my prices

ill take payment through paypal, though im willing to work with other payment options as well!

The body prices are per-character, the other prices are per-piece (example: a flat colored sketch of two headshots would be 12$, 5 per character head, and 2 for the color), and im able to do lineart or lineless - though i dont have any good examples at the moment with lineart - and the prices will only vary if the design is super complex or hard to do, and theyre able to be changed a bit to work with your budget

I will draw

anything for your blog! (example: the pokemon images above, a header, an icon, etc!)

gore! (dm me if you want to see examples)

full scenes (with backgrounds and all!)

characters from pre-existing media (scp, homestuck, pokemon, etc!)

ocs, adopts, ideas, you name it! human, furry, and any other is alright with me.

plain background scenes with no characters in them are things i can do too!

minor nudity

things i Wont draw

hate speech

sexually explicit scenes (due to a lack of practice)

transphobia/racism/n*zi imagery, general nastiness like that

im also willing to design characters for you, and i can provide prices and examples of designs ive made upon request.

please dm me here or on discord @ [CC&CC]#8992 to contact me about any of this!

thank you for reading this far! ill also be reblogging this to my side accounts to try and get a few more eyes on this.

below is a little bit of info about me so you can decide if you want to Give Me Your Money or not ^^

im a genderqueer and overall queer trans man whose just moved out from my parents home and am living with my best friend of nearly 10 years. ive got a snake, salamander, and two bug colonies, i love pretty much all animals, and am an amateur songwriter/musician! im disabled in multiple ways (but that just makes me cooler 😎) and i deal with some pretty prominent mental issues which make being regular to a job without my health getting in the way pretty difficult. also part of a did system, which is. So Cool and Epic

im looking for a proper job, but its not been going too well for me thusfar, largely because places ive applied have found more fitting people to fill the roles. and thats ok! i just need some way to make money in order to buy groceries and Supplies for My Boys and generally. live, lol! i also want to take some burden off of my roomates shoulders, considering hes been doing wonders to help support me, but im not really able to provide much in return. job places are also a bit hesitant to hire me considering my aforementioned health issues.

anyway, sorry for the rambling and thank you for reading this far! i hope you can consider supporting me, but if not maybe a quick reblog to spread this around would be great! thank you so very much and have a wonderful day!!

[appadripdrip]

I saw your tags on a post I reblogged (on my atla account) about how Kuvira doesn't deserve a redemption arc and Azula does...I wanna know your thoughts👀 . Personally, I think they both deserve redemption arcs (Azula more than Kuvira) but I wanna hear your take on this since you always have amazing opinions!!!

HEHEHEHE 

okay first thank you for saying i have amazing opinions :’)

but yeah i personally think kuvira’s redemption arc was very undeserved and i believe that giving her one but not azula is based in ableism and bryke seeing facism as a more redeemable crime than untreated mental illness. 

azula was raised in fascist and imperialist ideology and still was too young to truly unlearn it (like just think she was only a year older than zuko when he was banished and it took him 3 years to unlearn all the bullshit caused by his grandfather). not to mention she was abused by her father and neglected by her mother to the point where she felt like she needed to be perfect in every aspect to gain attention from her parents, that including following fire nation ideology to a tee. even though she is very much so a war criminal who would need to answer to the shit she’s done and i dont think she should be put on a pedestal, she also fully didn’t cause the 100 year war and cause it to continue. i see a lot of people say that characters who are redeemed want to be redeemable but azula wasn’t given that opportunity. the writers decided that a little girl who had been abused, manipulated and hurt was beyond repair and is simply evil. which is not the case. even though azula was powerful and intimidating, the writers made it clear that she didn’t actually have the power, it was her father. i feel like when people think of a redemption arc, they automatically think of zuko’s and azula’s redemtpion arc wouldn’t be like zuko’s but it doesn’t HAVE to be like zuko’s. if anything, i think it would be a more in depth analysis about how escaping an abuser as well as facism is not always a linear path. 

kuvira doesn’t have that complexity with it lmao. miss kuvira was not raised in a fascist ideology. she’s also like 24. she grew up in a free world and decided on her own to fully take over the earth kingdom and take advantage of the desperation of her people in the post-earth queen world. she also threatened kill her own people if they went against her. bryke were obviously trying to show the parallels between her and ozai by talking about “how they want to share their greatness with the world.” while azula wasn’t responsible for the 100 year war, kuvira was fully responsible for overtaking the earth kingdom and willing to blow shit up and commit a mass murder with a giant death machine because people didn’t want to give the city to her. not to mention the RE-EDUCATION CAMPS???kuvira had full control and full power over that shit. she’s kinda a boring villian as well. there are other villians in legend of korra that fully deserved redemption arcs way more than her but apparently facism is seen as less of a crime than anarachism but okay.

this is getting kind of long so im gonna stop here but if i didn’t explain anything well someone pls tell me!

[gevejsbvdj]

Pt. 2

the continuation of what inspired my leave beneath the cut

I have a friend, who I got along with really well because we are both Afro Latinas (only she can speak Spanish. I don’t, not really) and we are black kids who had an interest in unconventional topics. I messaged her before disappearing about the ending of the server. I was keeping her updated all throughout, but after telling her the ending, I left her on read

I won’t disclose what I got up to during my absence. But again, don’t think that I had a breakdown because of the server ONLY. It was the final straw. I had so much going on in my life and I couldn’t take it anymore. 

Anyways, she took it upon herself to send hateful messages to Ley’s account and thought it was something to be proud of and told me. I...wasn’t impressed. But I still didn’t respond to our chats. Then she (her name is Rex. I’m gonna call her that) dmed Ley and was actually pretty aggressive towards her in an attempt to get answers. Again, not impressed but it was enough for me to actually come online. I feel like that’s why she acted out, to get me online. I don’t think she cared about me and used my pain to hurt others.

I had extremely brief, passing conversations with people who weren’t involved with the situation at all right before I messaged Rex. 

Ley was special to me before her message. I was always very defensive and protective of her like I was everyone else, but her especially because I thought she was nice. And I remembered when people were being mean to me, she reached out. And I still appreciate her for doing that. 

Which was why it was so confusing when Rex told me that they were all mad at me because I ACCUSED JOANE OF GROOMING PEOPLE. They wanted a reason to make me the villain so badly that they made shit up.

Notice how here, she says that I called Joane a FUCKING PEDO. Not even just a groomer but an outright PEDOPHILE. 

I’ve been raped. I’ve been sexually assaulted, groomed, all of that. I don’t say shit. I never say anything. I’ve even been accused- yes, ACTUALLY ACCUSED unlike Joane- to being a paedophile. I’m 19. Not even just that but I’m freshly 19. I got accused when I was 17. But I would never just- ughhhh moving on I don’t wanna get into it. 

When Rex asked for proof, this is way Ley sent her:

In this screenshot, I’m literally discussing how Joane’s childish behaviour could get her killed. I was concerned. Again, where’s the bullying?

Rex told me that Ley said she was wrong for not having proof, and I understand. Ley wasn’t present when it all went down

But really Ley? 

I heard a quote from someone that said something like “if someone believed a lie about you without checking up on you first to see if there was proof, then they were already looking for something to destroy you with to begin with” or SOMETHING like that. So I thought back to that quote and felt awful. I always suspected that they didn’t really like me, but always marked it up to my depression talking nonsense. But after all of this...maybe it was true. Why did I come out the most damage? Why were they making up lies about me? Me, out of all of them. Why was I consistently being seen as the bad guy overall? No really tell me. 

Anyways, this was Ley’s justification to believe that I would say such an awful thing:

Okay. Let’s just say that- Joane WAS a groomer. That she actually is a paedophile and I commented on it. She’s obviously not but I’m pulling a Ben Shapiro here. Everything else is the same only Joane is a paedophile. 

That motherfucking “it’s weird that he only spoke up when they were arguing” argument, and other arguments like that are so fucking toxic. As well as “well it wasn’t a problem that never came up before” so??? That’s what the fucking #metoo movement was all about. Timing means NOTHING when it comes to that. It doesn’t matter if it’s Joane or fucking Bill Cosby. The fact that thought came to Ley’s head is so fucking upsetting and DISGUSTING.THAT mentality is why people never want to believe victims of assault. Same goes for “they could have said that privately” guys she’s talking about that user who said they were uncomfortable with Joane coming onto him. Privately? It was private to him. In that server, we’ve made it known that it’s a very homey and comfortable environment. And who the fuck are you to tell someone where and when they can speak up about something like that???

Also, she accused me of calling her a pedo again. Good for me right? I’m a bully and I’m someone who just blindly calls people paedophiles. Good for me, damn. 

No, you shouldn’t believe someone right away when they call someone a groomer. God don’t I know that. But you definitely don’t say THAT what the fucking fuck. 

Jesus. Okay, moving on. 

Rex aggressively messaged Mel who had something similar to say:

uggh, you WERE the toxic environment i wanted to flee from,.

It hurts. It hurts a lot to see another friend you looked up to call you a bully. And that they just say that you called someone a groomer when you didn’t. 

Mel couldn’t provide proof either. 

Mel also tagged her post with someone kinda ignorant. 

Imagine if (thinking of someone I and others don’t always agree with) someone like James Charles made a post broadcasting all the homophobia he dealt with during his career, and I or some other asshole said something “while I don’t always agree with James…” like now isn’t the time. Now isn’t the time to let people you know you disagree with me ESPECIALLY on a post where you agree with me 100%??? What is the point then? You agreed with me, so agree with me. There. No one is saying that you have to agree with everything I say lord fucking knows I don’t always agree with you guys. fucking DUH. It makes me think you just wanted to put that in to lesson me and my words, even only slightly. Why? That hurts a lot, Mel. It really fucking does bruh.

When Rex called her out on it, she deleted the reblog. Not just the meagre little tag but the whole post. If she couldn’t be slick with me, then she wasn’t going to support me at all. It isn’t worth it if she can’t be shady. That’s the message I got from that. Tells me a lot. 

I am not friends with Rex anymore. She’s always been really aggressive and drama craving and I can’t take it. It’s impacting me negatively as well. But I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t somewhat happy with the screenshots she gave me. Told me a lot about these people I was still willing to talk to. 

Now? I won’t even waste their time.

After all of that. I made the post. The big announcement post. It was too much. I can’t escape the racism in my hometown or in the country in general, but I can leave and distance myself from the fandom. 

I was talking to someone today, and she, as a white woman, admitted that white people act so shitty when it’s implied that they’re racist. Which is so true. 

As I said, people make mistakes. No white person EVER is 0% racist or biased. I’m sorry but it’s not true unless you’re a baby or something. Same goes for other races, but mainly white people who have always had the upper hand, the privilege, the money, the chances, the power, all of that. 

Listen to me. 

When a person of color tells you that you are being microaggressive, biased, ignorant, or prejudice, or straight up RACIST, YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM. Why do you guys get so AGGRESSIVE AND MAD?? That is so fucking WEIRD. 

And yes. I’m talking to you Vulture. 

I really had no ill feelings towards you prior to your comments.

Or your posts. 

peep that clumsily used aave. never fucking talked like that to anyone but me. either way, you sound dumb.

Why?

Why so...mad?

You felt guilty? Why did you feel guilty? 

...I’m gonna let you answer that. 

Moving on. I know that not everything has to be about race. I hate making things about my race. I do, even when I should! But you can be racist unintentionally. Does that mean you’re racist? No! I have yet to receive a genuine apology from any of you, meanwhile, I’ve been over here grovelling and hoping that you like me again. God. Why is it so hard for you to apologize and move on??

No, in that same fucking server, someone sent a racist meme after joking about slavery all day:

And yes, the people in the chat at the time laughed at it... 

I told them that WASNT funny and they freaked out all “WHY CANT I TALK TO PEOPLE IM SO FUCKING STUPID I SUCK” like oh...my god. You guys make it so awkward being black oh my GOD. I- like it makes me never want to say ANYTHING but I know I have to but god what the hell guys???

I wouldn’t really think that the members of the server chat were racially biased if they just accepted the fact that they were micro aggressive and didn’t flip out about it. Not really, at least. That reaction is so- well it’s sus as fuck. People who aren’t prejudiced will apologize, correct themselves and move on. Not dismiss me constantly and DEFINITELY not freak the fuck out. 

I also wouldn’t assume they were racially biased if this SAME EXACT SITUATION DIDNT HAPPEN TO ME BEFORE. 

Yep! On the Beatles Amino, I was called a bully and was reported by the LEADERS. Why? Because I told a curator she was inconsistent with her rules… that’s it. And that was back when I was sugary sweet all the time and was deemed to be a cinnamon roll. Nah. They knew I was black and I got told that people were scared of me and that I was bullying people. Yeah okay. Messaging ONE curator about her rules is the same thing as bullying people. Chile I can’t. And it only happens in the Beatles fandom. But no when someone calls John Lennon a racist it’s all “Zach! Zach! Tell them they’re wrong.” Ugh...

So that’s that on that. I have nothing else to say. Don’t message me about this post if you didn’t read all of this. I’m an idiot and I’m honestly still willing you hear you all out but don’t expect me to ever want to have anything to do with you. Out of the what- 50 people from that server, only two stood up for me? And two separate people APOLOGIZED TO ME. AND THEY HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH ANYTHING. That’s a shame. Thank you Johnny, Lenny, Laurie, and Remy. All of your names rhyme and you didn’t make me feel like I was CRAZY, unlike those I mentioned. There’s so much shit going on in the world rn, especially to do with racism. I know that you guys know. But some posts really....really tried me. oh well. I’m black. I like The Beatles. And I’m a victim of microaggressions, false accusations, gas lighting. I’m also out. bye.

black lives matter resources

[sui-senka]

The dumbest post

I think y’all should be here to witness the dumbest post I’ll ever make, as I’m not all about getting into discourse and that, and any other self-identifying Vergil lovers please come here:

@creepyscritches, @brasspetalsx, @fandomhell97, @breezeinmonochromenight, @kaldea88, @xalmasyx, @hornyangrybean, @noir-sorrow, @catspook, @xenontrioxide, @zilla-may-cry, @boobble, @vergilshusband, @tifaroni, @littlebluewraith, @im-a-clown, @genovaempera, @neodicronus, @thelessiknowtheworse, @thriilsy, @jestermania, @bunny-girl-sweetseek, @darka3363, @witchkiid, @45, @manadebutt, @magsamaire, @spaghetti-queerghetti, @clairexredfields, @204863-yunglynn, @yuri-subtext, @miss-soso-25, @josuke-kujo, @cameguisada, @trionfi, @glitteryhumanfiretrash, @lewdbunbun, @journalofsparda, @complacentdevil, @infernokid, @emogodmatthew, @brit-o-raptor, @salsa-and-chips, @gemstone-enema

I’d like y’all to bear witness, as I take down this bitch-ass clown. As I’ve blocked the person in question that I want to call out - please tag them into this post to have at them ;) Also - to the other people that didn’t get this, tag your mutuals and get them here.

I’d also like to announce that @thephantomporg84 is now masquerading as @derelict-stranger, and I got a few messages a few days ago about how she was gonna take down her account, and how she wants me to block all of you, which is ridiculous as you are all blogs that I have known and followed way before her and also I don’t know you either. I told her that I didn’t want to be involved in her drama, but here I am. 

It’s kinda hard for me to make this post, as I genuinely thought that she was cool in the beginning - she helped to give me more DMC asks in my inbox, and she always reblogged my stuff, as I’ve been trying to make it with the big guys - like @myfairmidnightladyspade.

But I saw the stuff that she says online to you all, and I think I got some anon messages from her asking if I was a terf or not... and yeah - my heart broke. I feel like I have been deceived in some way. What I wanted to be there was someone who was cool, and funny to talk to, but turns out that person is petty, heartless, immature and straight up spiteful.

I may have to justify myself in why I got messages from her - I was only trying to console her, but to do it in a neutral way as I wanted no part in her drama.

Also - i’m probably not gonna show any evidence for how much she sucks cause there’s tags and anon posts dedicated to that sort of thing

I want you on tumblr, and you on Reddit to find her, and in the /v/ section of 4chan to block her and report her for all she’s done. I want you to wipe her existence from the internet until there is nothing left.

Now - I need to change the flow of the conversation by directing it to you, @derelict-stranger.

I’d like you to kindly log off, take a breather and think, for a second about the actions that you’ve done to the people that I’ve mentioned above. 

I’d also like to tell you that your suggestion to block all those people above is complete nonsense. Why would you make me block blogs who have perfectly decent and awesome content, and to those who I have talked to longer than you? why would you make me block blogs who I don’t know? Quit trying to get me on your side. I want no part in your drama like I said before, and stop trying to manipulate me into getting me to give a shit about you.

I’d also like to tell you that your situation is entirely self-inflicted. That you trying to talk to me won’t work, the only reason that people are apparently “attacking you” - is because you, in fact, are the instigator, are the catalyst of all this hatred.

You - @derelict-stranger, lack any ability whatsoever to disagree well. From where I’m looking, all of this started because you don’t like Vergil from the Devil May Cry games and you don’t like the plot of 5, which seems extremely stupid to me, as he’s only a small-ish part of 1, one of the best boss-fights in 3 and just a mere mention in 4. The fact that you need to incessantly attack content creators who merely like him is stupid. Either keep those opinions to yourself, ignore them, or do my favourite -> stick ‘em up your big stupid ass.

It’s also stupid that when people merely like him - you have to bring in your own shitty opinions. No one asked you what you thought, and I’m pretty sure you’re actively seeking out fights with people just to feel good about yourself. It’s also super hypocritical of you ragging on about how much Vergil sucks, when you go crazy for Kylo Ren, as they share some similarities in terms of their vibes and traits. (Yeah - I see you asking for smutty Kylo Ren x Reader requests online.....) Why do you get pissy when people like villainous fictional characters - do your knickers

What I just want to know is what kind of personal gratification you get when you actively hate on a character, and what kind of gratification you get when just because someone disagrees with you - that you have to result using death threats, rape threats, pedophilia threats, racism, slurs, and ableism,  transphobia, alt-right rhetoric, neo-Nazi shit, pro-Trump, and homophobic comments to content creators just doin’ their own thing. Is it just to feel like the bigger man, is it to make yourself sound smarter than the other person (Cause you don’t) - like what actually motivates you, what actually makes you want to shit on other people’s parades, huh? Sounds to me like you need to get a life.

The fact that you always need to play the victim is sad and pathetic too:

- That you’re on the spectrum: - Okay, there are a lot of people who are on the spectrum here on tumblr. But they don’t use it as an excuse to justify shitty behaviour especially if it’s unitentional. as I’m sure they and the people they know are. I’m sure they apologise and try to get on with life like how NT people do. As you know - a lot of people of the spectrum feel like they’re being treated as sub-human being babies that do nothing but screech all the time, and they’re taking action to change those perceptions. Your behaviours are not helping their cause.

- That you use depression as an excuse - I’m kinda sympathetic to the whole mental health issues thing. I have them too. In fact, I am a hot mess. But I don’t use that to excuse me hurting other people with intention, and I’m sure many others don’t either. At least 1/4 or 1/3 will have some mental health issues in their life, and yeah, it sucks, and it’s common but it doesn’t make them exempt from them being called out on their shitty acts. the fact that so many people are and can be mentally ill doesn’t make you special, and it doesn’t give you a free pass to attack others.

- The fact that you try to bait people into making anti-semitic comments, so you can call them anti-semitic. Dude, that’s low. I’m pretty sure that’s gaslighting and manipulation as well. You don’t get the right to use your religion/race in that way as a defence when you’re feeling attacked so that you come off a better person. I’m friends with many jewish people, and they’d never have the gall to do that. I know that your peeople have had it rough, but you can’t use that in an argument just to prove that the other one is a piece of shit, when it is in fact you. I’m muslim, a WOC, and ancestrally speaking, from a country that your so-beloved president essentially banned their right to seek a better life in the states. For as long as I can remember - I’ve seen news about my kind being universally hated, I’ve been brought up in a post-9/11 world where for as long as I can remember that me and our kind are the enemy (so I can sympathise) - but you don’t see me and other muslims here using those petty tactics that you use, because unlike you, we’re not myopic and we know that won’t get us anywhere.

I mean, this behaviour sounds bratty and childish - so I was thinking, she’ll probably grow out of it. Then I find that you’re in you’re mid-twenties, and I think “you really haven’t grown up at all, have you?”, and honestly it just makes the behaviour worse as you are resulting to middle school/high school tactics -> especially making me block all those people, calling them sociopaths and evil bitches. This ain’t high school or Mean Girls, moron, this is a fandom. A place where people can create, share, like and comment on content that makes you happy. I don’t think you understand what that means - cause all I see, and everyone sees is you spewing hatred everywhere. Fandoms are supposed to make you feel included, feel happy, feel safe, be a place to make friends. I don’t think you know that, and I don’t think you are even smart enough to realise that you are the reason why our fandom isn’t happy.

And honestly, at this point, the hatred you are getting is well deserved. You deserve to feel like shit if all you are going to do is make others feel like shit.

I don’t know what else to say but:

1. Get the hell away from our fandom

2. Get rid of your internet connection.

3. Get a life.

4. We don’t want you here.

5. You’re scum.

6. Go suck a dick, or flick a bean, whatever gets you off you troglodyte.

I liked you man, I really did. Then I saw how you treat others, and now I know I made a dumb life choice in making friends with you. If only you weren’t such a piece of shit, we could have been good friends.

I don’t want you here on tumblr. They don’t want you here. No-one wants or needs a toxic parasite like you on this website.

Yours sincerely,

sui-senka, who just sucked Vergil’s dick yesterday, and liked it.

[migleefulmoments]

Ask 1/2: I guess my comment about it being inappropriate to involve Abby’s family upset people. Listen- if the intent of the person in contacting Abby’s Sister was out if concern for Abby’s mental well being (not sure I believe that. But I haven’t seen the screen shot) then ok, they did what they felt was right. I personally do not feel qualified to diagnose someone with a psychiatric condition on the internet based on angry Tumblr posts that sound unhinged at times.

Ask 2/2: If that makes me a horrible person, that I am not going to involve myself in the personal well being of someone whose tumblr I saw as offensive, then I guess I’m not a good person. But bottom line is I have a hard time believing the person who contacted the family wasn’t doing it simply to humiliate Abby, regardless of it was a threat or FYI or whatever the message contained. Again, Im not saying Abby doesn’t deserve it on some level, but not something I’d have done. Sorry if I offended

I can’t speak for the poster motivation since it wasn’t me except to say they were angry and they were trying to get her family to do something (both things the person told me). 

As someone else pointed out in my DM’s if their family saw such a post they would presume the person who wrote it is the mentally ill one. The fact that Abby’s sister took swift action is pretty telling. I wouldn’t diagnose Abby either because that isn’t my area of expertise -I have diagnosed several people with Ehler’s- Danlos Syndrome over the internet with 100% success rate to date. It’s certainly possible.  Metaloma is qualified to diagnose mental disorders and using the information she gave me, I feel confident it’s accurate. It’s pretty obvious to anyone- trained or untrained that she has changed a lot in the 5 years she was blogging. Her theories were more measured in the past whereas in the last year she’s attacked ccers for not following her ideas lock-stock and barrel. Her hatred of Mia is getting more and more unhinged and irrational. Hating Mia is the main focus of her life and none of it is true. 

I hope she gets help because ultimately, she’s miserable and angry 24/7 because Darren isn’t acting like she wants him to.  Her entire life revolves around Darren and Mia. I suspect she gets up at 4am to stalk and blog before work. If not every day, I can say that she was often up at 4 am- she said many times she got up to “pee” at 4 and then she “made the mistake of checking Tumblr” but I think it was more than occasional- she only mentioned it when she found things that upset her because she started ranting about it so early.  She then spent all day at work posting and stalking... and then after work and on weekends. She managed to post all-day during two different work conferences in the last year. In the two years, I have been blogging about cc, I don’t think she has taken more than 4 days off and that was because she was getting upset and pulled back. Otherwise, Darren and Mia are her full-time preoccupation. 

Unfortunately, I can also say that she was overwhelmingly unhappy because of Darren. The only time she was happy in those two years was after he won the Emmy. She was happy for about 2 hours or until the euphoria wore off and she realized he had said really lovely things about Mia. She was then angry and she had to find a way to erase that for herself and for her fandom. Besides that 2 -hour riot, I can honestly say she was always somewhere between unhappy and raging for the entire 2 years. She is so jealous of Mia. To deal with it she’s decided to create this caricature of Mia that is a cross between every snob in every teen movie and the evil scheming and manipulation of the world’s greatest mafia boss. Abby always adds a dose of good old fashion slut-shaming to top it all off. But Abby is the only one who could see this side of Mia since she was making it all up in her head. And then there is Darren.  Abby HATES Darren Criss. She loves the man who looks just like him, Mr. Blaine Devon Anderson-the world’s most perfect gold-star gay. She spent the first two 1/2 years post Glee reblogging gifs and complications of Blaine and Kurt moments. The last 2 1/2 years trying her damndest to find Blaine somewhere in Darren and occasionally she was successful- occasionally, Blarren was there -and Abby was gloriously happy for a moment. Mostly she would just bring up those moments, again and again, ad nauseaum whenever she was pissed that Darren wasn’t acting like Blarren. The Met Gala Catholic Dior coat and the IG post to the grandaughter of his Midway character are the two standout moments that she brings up all the damn time as proof of the Darren she loves. If you can only see the Darren you love in twice in 5 years and you have to concoct a never-ending array of contracts - and at least 5 or 6 “jailers”- in order to explain why Darren is hiding the real Blarren, you really need to question yourself. But Abby is never going to self analyze. She has no ability to self reflect and do what’s best for Abby. She’s a chronic liar who knows that she can’t talk about her cc obsession with a therapist because any therapist worth their degree would call her out on the damage she’s doing to herself. They would make her accountable and she certainly isn’t ready to accept that Darren isn’t the man she wants him to be and that her own behavior has gotten so out of control. 

[wakasagayhime]

very long, very personal post

tldr, im still not drawing but here’s a detailed account of everything that’s happened in case anyone is confused or misinformed

alright. let me start out by saying i’m not going back to art just yet. it still hurts to do anything art related and i’m still trying to find a way to heal from all of this. i need some kind of professional help first, and i don’t know how long it’ll take afterwards for me to begin feeling like myself again. i don’t even know if i’ll be able to get any kind of professional help at the moment; my university’s counseling center told me, in short, that i’m so mentally ill that their services would not be enough for me and i’d have to look elsewhere (which is reasonable, tbh, they’re almost always completely booked so it’s difficult to actually even talk to someone there in the first place, i only got to talk to them to begin with because i nearly killed myself one night after having the most intense panic attack of my life where i felt like i was actually in the process of dying) and as if that weren’t enough, if you follow me on twitter you’d know that my mom finally left my stepdad, but this means that we no longer really have a home to call our own and are now living with some of my mom’s friends. on the bright side, miso is a lot freer and gets to explore the house as he pleases, but on the downside money is tight and my mom is trying her best to find a place to live while working two jobs and trying to help pay for my tuition. long story short, i want some kind of professional help badly, but all the bullshit that’s been happening in my life makes that difficult. 

anyway, i understand that i’ve worried a lot of people through all of this, and i’m sorry. i truly, genuinely am sorry for everything that’s been going on. i blame a lot of it on myself not being strong enough. if i were stronger, i wouldn’t care about some stupid internet trolls, or some random grown man in florida stalking all my social media. if i were stronger, i could take my life back. i wouldn’t feel the need to constantly contemplate suicide, or to torture my own body by starving because of my physical form feeling like the only thing i have left to be in control of. if i had only been stronger, like my old stupidly foolish overconfident 16 year old self who got into fucking STEVEN UNIVERSE DISCOURSE of all things, maybe i wouldn’t care. even when it first happened to me, after the initial shock and hiatus, i was pretty much back to normal almost instantly.  but this kind of trauma is sneaky and will gradually eat away at you more and more while you pretend to be ok, and then eventually you reach a breaking point and it’s taken over your life. that’s why i’m still obsessing over that day two years later. that’s why i can’t be left alone on december 13th this year, or else i know for a fact i will harm myself in some way. (don’t worry about that though, burger is going to hang out with me that day and i’ll be fine.) still, even though i keep telling myself my past self was stronger, i do know that she really wasn’t. she was still struggling with depression, anxiety, and self harm issues. maybe it just manifested differently for a while. maybe she felt unstoppable at some point in time because she finally found a girlfriend and got a cat. i got into so many fights that weren’t worth my time or energy at all, and part of me wishes i could be that confident again, but i also know that was my downfall to begin with.

i have followers who haven’t been around for longer than a year or maybe less than two, so i might as well give everyone a true, thorough rundown of what happened leading up to that day, the day of, and after. 

i’m sure a lot of you who are worried about me at the moment have seen the recent callout for colboh and his involvement in what happened. i’ll be honest--i don’t know the full extent of his involvement, and i want to believe his foolishness ends at not leaving artists who have blocked him alone and uploading their shit to booru sites when they explicitly state not to. so let’s just start there. i honestly don’t remember if it was before or after i first blocked him, but he uploaded one of my NSFW drawings to danbooru when i first shared my NSFW blog. (PROTIP: if you’re a minor, don’t share your NSFW art with anyone. don’t care if you’re 17, i was about to turn 17 myself. it will bite you in the ass. as such, some of this is my fault.) i quickly contacted danbooru asking them to delete it, and they did--but that artwork subsequently ended up on gelbooru as well, and i was unsuccessful in my efforts to remove my art from there.  

fast forward to december 13th, 2016. it was a normal morning. i was getting ready for school, but also being dumb and lazing around in bed browsing tumblr. i saw a post from a blog that shares Funny 4chan Screencaps. my art was in it. the art was of a very muscular yuugi, a drawing i was proud of, especially in how much gay energy i thought it radiated--but this drawing was being used in one of those typical “here’s a touhou, i wanna fuck her! am i right guys? let’s talk about how badly we want to fuck her” threads. seeing my art used for this was appalling. my first mistake was reblogging the post and saying how it was wrong, and how my art shouldn’t ever be used for such a purpose. my second mistake was making a text post AND tweets expressing my disgust at the situation, thinking no one who frequented /jp/ would ever see, sure that it would be a big waste of their time to concern themselves with some random dumb “”sjw”” artist. i also probably shouldn’t have specifically called them “gross neckbeards,” in doing so i absolutely struck a nerve with basement dwellers everywhere. i got to school and during my second period class, suddenly felt a strange urge to look at /jp/. why i did that, i still don’t really know. maybe i was expecting hate. maybe i was trying to see if they used my art for something gross again. i don’t know. either way, that moment changed everything forever. i saw the screencap of my tweets posted for everyone in their  circlejerk to see. even worse--i looked in the thread, and someone had also posted the NSFW art colboh had uploaded to danbooru, mocking it and calling me a hypocrite for drawing two girls having sex while also saying i don’t like my art being used for those kinds of threads. this is what truly ignited the amount of hate i saw directed towards me in the threads. i got called a bitch, a drama whore, got told to kill myself, and in one reply etched into my mind forever, someone said something along the lines of “we should all call her local gang and have them rape her, she just needs a good dicking.” there were multiple threads, too; i don’t know how many, but there was another one about me after the first one was deleted, in which someone edited a typical fat balding NTR hentai doujin style man into art i made of kagerou nosebleeding at wakasagihime. more disparaging comments were made. in both threads, people expressed their hatred and dislike of my art, some calling it garbage, some just saying it’s “bad,” etc. some people said the threads were unnecessary and rude, but they were a kind few in a cesspool of violence.

i don’t know who started these threads. i can’t assume anything about anyone, but whoever did this was definitely looking through all my social media out of bitterness and hatred, or perhaps even following me on both my tumblr and twitter considering the timing of the threads immediately after i complained. it eats at me that i most likely will never know who did this to me. i’ll never know who hated me so much that they decided to completely destroy my self esteem. if whoever it is who did all of this is reading this and feels any ounce of remorse, i’m begging them to reveal themselves and why they did it, but i know the chances of that happening are incredibly slim. someone, i can’t remember who, maybe it was queenly, told me they hope someday i reach a point where i don’t have to worry about that because i won’t care in general, but i still don’t know if i’ll ever reach a point where i stop caring about all of this.

like i mentioned earlier, after this all first happened, i was destroyed. the next day, my school’s GSA happened to have a vote for whose art would be on the club t-shirts, mine or someone else’s. mine lost. i broke down completely--anywhere i went, i wasn’t good enough, not for anyone. for days, there was a constant feeling of horror and fear  in my chest, something i’ve only ever felt so intensely when one of these threads resurfaces or i suddenly relive my trauma due to other things triggering me. i took a hiatus that lasted a few weeks, i believe i came back sometime before the new year. i thought i was ok, and i pretended like i could go back to being myself. but as time went on, and i continued living with the weight of that day on my back, i became weaker and weaker. i stopped drawing as frequently as i used to. my final year of high school started and i ended up falling into such a deep depression that i constantly skipped school and eventually attempted suicide in november 2017.  the suicide note i wrote cites that day as being one of the main things leading me to my decision, telling whoever did this to me that i hoped in my passing they’d have to live knowing what they did to me. my attempt only failed because i swore to take every pill left in the bottle and there were only four pills. had it been full, i’m not really sure what would have happened. i was sent to a mental institute afterwards for a week. being there was the absolute definition of hell. i was alone. i cried myself to sleep every night. they claimed to be a place where people were improved and got help, but i did not get any help at all. they basically imprisoned me for trying to kill myself. when i got out, i was only glad to be alive because i just wanted to be able to talk to my friends, my family, and my girlfriend again. it still shocks me that i was able to graduate from high school considering how much school i skipped before and after my suicide attempt.

sometime before that school year ended, i became extremely upset one afternoon and decided to run away from home. i had what happened to me and what was said about me that day running through my head. i tweeted that i hoped maybe in running away i’d end up being raped like they wanted, like how i deserved. someone who i considered a friend replied to this with, “fuck you.” after all of this was taken care of and i was safe at home, i responded that i was sorry, that i wasn’t thinking right when i made the tweet. she responded that i was, and blocked me. i tried to explain that i said what i did because of the threads about me on /jp/ and the one response threatening rape, but this was disregarded and, seemingly, ignored. a few days later, the former friend in question started sending me anon hate on tumblr, asking me why i want attention so badly, accusing me of making light of actual rape victims by saying such a thing. i explained myself, but to no avail. i blocked her on tumblr, and left it at that. but then, at the end of the school year, when i was proud of myself for finally getting through high school without killing myself or failing or anything, i stumbled upon the second thread. the date the thread was created lined up exactly with the time between me running away from home and me receiving anon hate. she can try to act like she didn’t make the thread all she wants, but i’m not an idiot. the replies were also eerily similar--people in the replies remembered me, a year and a half after the original thread. some replies mentioned me having attempted suicide months before. some mentioned my NSFW art again. i had a massive breakdown and nearly drowned myself in the pond down the road. it was a wet, rainy night, and i sat on a bench by the pond sobbing loudly, trying to find some way to want to keep living. but i couldn’t. i might have gone through with it if it hadn’t been for burger coming and talking to me and giving me a ride home.

entering college, i thought things would be easier. in a way, they are. i have more freedom with classes. this semester, i attended almost all of my classes, almost every day, just with the exception of me being sick some days and me accidentally oversleeping once, and then one day when i just didn’t feel like it. but things continued to get worse for me--i developed an eating disorder for many reasons, one being the time i spent a year prior depressed caused me to gain a significant amount of weight, and the other being i had sworn off self harm in the form of cutting. i found that i was able to get the same gratification from starving myself. at one point, it turned into a game of sorts, where i tried to see how long i could go without eating anything. my record was a little over 72 hours. being constantly hungry or in pain this way felt like something i deserved in a way, but also something to distract me from the pain of realizing i was losing my love for art. i was in denial about it for months. i tried to keep drawing, but everything i drew upset me, saddened me, and even angered me. i looked at anything i made and only felt disgust. it was the one thing i used to love doing more than anything, and now i only felt shame. 

in november, i acknowledged this and decided to quit for good. recently, i discovered colboh had uploaded more of my NSFW art to gelbooru, even though i specifically stated on my blog to never upload my NSFW art to image sharing sites, specifically right after he uploaded my art the first time. by the time i found this, i had already sworn off art for good, but looking at the comments on my art on gelbooru (and rule 34--i guess they’re connected upload-wise like danbooru?) filled me with so much sadness and shame, not because they criticized my art, but because they said horrible things about my depiction of kagerou. for those who don’t know, i headcanon kagerou as a trans woman, and one thing i do not regret about my time as an artist is how that depiction has helped numerous trans women feel good about themselves and their bodies. seeing so many disgusting comments deliberately misgendering her and making other transphobic remarks hurt me on a completely new level. my trans friends have been such a source of strength for me through all of this and seeing that made me feel disgusted, especially with myself. i felt like i had failed them. i had made so many trans women happy, only to see a man i blocked two years ago had uploaded my art to porn sites, tagging it with dehumanizing words like “f*ta” that i specifically tell people never to refer to my art with, displaying that art for the exact same crowds of people that ruined everything december 13th 2016 to continue to pick apart. one comment even told me to kill myself, effectively bringing back every memory of that day. 

speaking of that, another thing i want to touch on now that i’m up to speed with the details of everything that’s happened related to the original threads two years ago, is kagerou. i’m positive you all know that i really love kagerou imaizumi, and that she’s my favorite touhou character. it’s embarrassing to say, but she’s brought me so much comfort through all of this. sometimes if i’m sad, i’ll imagine her giving me a big hug, or i’ll look at cute pictures i have saved of her, or something along those lines. it’s pretty cringy for a fictional character to make me happy, i know, but i’ve grown so attached to her and she really means a lot to me. and another thing that made me want to swear off art is because she’s loved by so many others that i don’t think my depictions of her do her any good. i’m constantly compared to other artists, and it’s never good. even in the threads, i’m told i should be more like those other artists and these things wouldn’t happen to me. i am not allowed to love kagerou imaizumi. i draw her as a hairy trans lesbian, and that disgusts people. hell, the fact that i draw lesbians in general disgusts people, which sure fucking sucks because i constantly hate myself for not being attracted to men and being able to draw happy lesbians made me feel better about myself. but i’ve ruined kagerou for so many people, especially with my stupid kagewaka bullshit. maybe that’s why those artists unfollowed me. maybe it’s a combination of that and my constant breakdowns becoming far too annoying. i think all the popular artists who used to like me and then unfollowed/softblocked me are really glad to see that i’ve given up. and that’s something else that saddens me too--even as an artist, in my own community of touhou artists, i often feel like i’m lesser, and that i don’t belong. maybe it’s because i’m so foolishly outspoken about my opinions that they dislike me. maybe it’s because i’m a woman, and a lesbian at that. i don’t really know why they hate me so much. i wish i could belong somewhere.

and i think that’s what it all boils down to in the end. i’ve lost all sense of belonging. when i was 14 and people started noticing my art for the first time, i finally felt like i had something. like i belonged somewhere. after being bullied through middle school and having to deal with abusive friends and an abusive dad, it meant the world to me that i finally had something. but it didn’t last long at all. it all came crashing down, not just because of others, but because of me. i was the one who was cocky, getting into fights that weren’t worth it. i was the one who provoked people and made them hate me. i was the one who complained about /jp/ posting my art in their threads. i know people want to believe that i’m a saint, but i’m not. i have myself to blame too. i at least want everyone to understand this, above all else. there was so much i could have done differently to prevent this all from happening, but i didn’t. i was stupid and naive. i was a massive fucking idiot, and now look where i am. i lost everything. i thought i had friends, i lost them. i thought i loved art, i lost that. i thought other really talented nice people liked me, i even lost that. all i have now is an empty shell of my former self. i don’t know what to do with it. i don’t know how i’m going to rebuild myself. it’s so painful to have to keep living like this. i don’t know if there’s any fixing me at this point. i’ve lost so much, i feel permanently broken.

but despite all of that, despite everything i’ve been through, i still receive so much love and support from my followers and friends and it means so much to me. it means the world to me and has kept me going through all of this. knowing that people care about me and want to see me get better and improve makes me want to try to fix myself even if i am broken beyond repair. i just want to thank you all for being that source of strength for me. these past few years have been so hard for me and time and time again i still get love and encouragement from so many people. from the bottom of my heart, thank you. there is nothing more precious to me than those moments when i feel like i do truly belong, when i feel loved, when i feel like i’m not alone after all. for those moments, i’ll keep trying. even if these threads keep continuing and breaking me further, i’ll keep trying. even if every last artist in this fandom comes to hate me and my shitty art, i’ll keep trying. it’s still painful to draw right now and i have a long way to go before i can share art with anyone again, but for you all, i’m going to keep trying my best. at the end of the day, i know everyone’s encouragement and love is worth far more than hate threads urging me to kill myself. 

i’m sorry how long and personal and unnecessary this is, but i felt like i had to set things straight. if you read all of this, i applaud you. if you just kinda skimmed through to read the last paragraph, i also appreciate it. again, thank you. 

[ofblazefire]

PSA || Need help!

{Hello everyone! As some of you know, I’m in some real need for help. I am sorry about this being a long ass post but I will do my best to shorten it with read more, but please please read this if you can help donate, or even reblog this. I am in serious need of help. To make it simple here, I am in need of money to get out of a horrible living situation. I typed up what it’s like in my current living situation but it’s hard for me to type it all because that’s how awful it is and I want to forget it as soon as possible. I’m already even crying about it. But basically, I need help with money so I can get out of here and go to my new home and get the help I absolutely need! The info for donating is at the end of the post. Please help!}

Edit: I should’ve done this before but since I haven’t got donations yet I took out the email for my paypal and replaced it with a paypal pool! It shows how much I exactly need and how much I got so far. Please help!!!}

You see, I am currently in a terrible living situation. I’m 24, can’t drive (due to not having a driver’s license due to my family never teaching me to drive and getting mad at me about it later), flat broke (my back account only has ONE DOLLAR in it so that pretty much explains how broke I am), suffering from anxiety and depression that I need HELP for but cannot afford or even get a ride to any doctors that can help me, etc. I am stuck living with my father, earlier this year I was my mom’s caretaker (I was in between jobs and decided to care for her while she suffered from a heart attack and heart failure) but in April she died and it took it’s toll on me. My mother and I were somewhat close (had bad moments the most but she was the only one who shows love to me) and my depression hit me hard, to even explain how bad it was.... I would’ve killed myself but I tried to do that last year in October and scared myself shitless by it, never wanting to harm myself again. Instead I bottled my feelings which only made it worse. Keep in mind, I had two lovely cats that were helping me through my grief but a week after my mom died, my dad put my oldest cat down (we were planning to do this anyways due to her having bad tumors) and he took my pride and joy cat ( a ragdoll mix that I adored more than life itself) and gave her to a humane society. I felt absolutely broken after that. After that, life was getting worse for me. My dad is a cheap asshole who gets mad if I say I need something, especially if it means going to a doctor for some medical issues or anything. Basically, I gave up my medications. No medication for my mental illnesses and I felt ashamed if I need to go to a doctor for anything (had to go to a doctor three times for infections and my dad was pissed about the bills for it). So as you can see, I had to deal with my anxiety, depression, everything else on my own because I feared I would be yelled at or even threatened if I needed something, even if its personal hygiene products. You may be asking “Why do you fear being yelled at about such things?” Well, my dad has anger issues, to which he believes he doesn’t need anger management. A good example for this is a couple of days ago he was getting angry at his phone and went onto his laptop, yelling and cursing at it because it was slow and needed an update from windows. He was hitting the laptop and yelling so angerly that I was starting to fear for my life. When he gets mad, he gets insanely mad. He is the kind of person that if someone so much as looks at him wrong he could snap and maybe kill them. That’s why I fear for my life here. Ever since he got a girlfriend his actions have gotten worse, as if the girlfriend is encouraging him to do such things. I’ve been verbally and mentally abused by both my mother (when she was alive) and my father before, and now my father is doing it worse to me. Living with both my father and his girlfriend is getting much worse, they are doing things that show they don’t want me here. Let’s just say they are making me depression and anxiety much worse to the point that I may become suicidal again when I desperately never want to harm myself again. It may not seem like the whole living situation isn’t that bad but I have suffered from mental and verbal abuse pretty much since I was a kid. Now that I’m an adult who is still suffering from the abuse and can’t get away from it on my own I can barely function as an adult. My only way out is to run away and I need help for this, especially since my destination is another state. I need help, seriously. I feel like if I cannot leave here, I fear my dad will harm me or even kill me if I accidentally piss him off or I will give in and take my own life from suffering so much. I fear for my life, helping me get out of here will be a life saver and I will be so thankful to you all.

For those who read about my situation, thank you. Here I will let you all know about what help I need.  As most of you read, I am jobless, broke, and cannot drive. So for this I need money for ubers, buses, maybe even a train if I can find one. Also, the money goal I have will cover over suitcases and a throw away phone I will need. I do not have suitcases anymore, a mouse destroyed my old one and as for the phone, my current phone I will be leaving behind because it’s not in my name and I don’t want to “steal” it, especially if my dad finds out I’m gone and cancels the cell phone.

The goal I have in mind is $700. Again, this covers the suitcase, throw away/prepaid phone, ubers, buses, trains, in case something goes wrong, and of course after arriving at my destination I can get things like soap, shampoo, and other things I may need. I need as much help as I can get and again I will be so thankful to you guys helping out by donating and/or reblogging this to show to others who can donate. All the money I swear will only be used to get me out of my hellhole of a living situation. Any extra money that I have from this after moving will be saved just in case something goes wrong until I can get a job.

Again, the goal is $700 dollars and here is the link to the paypal pool!

https://paypal.me/pools/c/89KZL9HciB

Please, help. I never asked others for help like this becasue I never thought I was good enough or thought my situation wasn’t that bad enough thanks to my depression but I have nowhere else to turn! If you need anymore information then please message me! My inbox and IMs are always open! I just updated this post with the paypal pool!

[punnoying]

Being directly victimized by someone that used the "im bpd and i need attention now or ill kms" spiel to the point where MULTIPLE mutual friends had to pull me aside and ask if i was okay and collectively decide to drop communication with said person over their treatment of me and them as if i were a fucking OBJECT responsible for their happiness and well-being gives me every right to reblog posts calling out those type of abusive behaviors because no, your mental illnesses do NOT, in fact, excuse your abusive and manipulative behavior. Having someone that I cared about and considered a close friend for many years send me screenshots of their own private twitter posts ranting about me apparently not loving them enough because i wasn't awake or at their beck and call 24/7 really hurt. I tried SO HARD to be there for them when they needed me, which was all the time, but it was never enough. Apparently, losing days worth of sleep to comfort them when they felt suicidal was worth nothing to them because I didn't answer skype calls all the time and I didn't like their twitter posts often enough. I internalized the pain and guilt they inflicted on me for months because hey, they can't help it! It's their BPD! They wouldn't send me these things in their right mind, right? I suffered through the constant abuse because I loved them. They were my friend and I wanted to be their emotional dependant because that's what I thought good friends did. I carried a guilty conscience for a very long time from feeling so negatively over the way they treated me. In my mind, I was a horrible person for starting to loathe their presence because they really, really needed me. How DARE I feel like that when they trust me with their deepest, darkest thoughts? I never spoke up or said ANYTHING about them on my private accounts because, to me, they weren't at fault for their behavior. "It was the mental illness!" It wasn't until a handful of our mutual friends (including their girlfriend at the time as well as my ex) pulled me aside in a group chat after seeing their rant abt me apparently hating them on twitter and asked me if I was okay. They knew I had seen the posts, and even if I hadn't, this person MADE SURE I saw them by sending me fucking screenshots of the posts in a DM. I was a bawling mess and finally broke my silence because no, I wasn't okay. And my friends knew it. Their ex-girlfriend and mine both noted how absolutely OBSESSED this person was with me. I couldn't favorite anyone's tweets or reblog something on tumblr without them stalking all my activity to see if I was online so they could talk to me. I had no space from them, and when I DID get a few hours away, they would complain to literally any of these mutual friends that would listen about me and me apparently ignoring them. This person told me they were jealous of my own fucking girlfriend because I gave her more attention than I did to them. My girlfriend was disturbed by this, and rightfully so. Even worse was the fact that they had a girlfriend of their own who's an old friend of mine and my gf, and even SHE noticed how attached this person was to me. It made all 3 of us incredibly uncomfortable because, despite being in a romantic relationship with different people, this person treated me (and expected me to behave) like their girlfriend. I was done. My friends were done. We all dropped communication with them, including their girlfriend, and blocked their contacts. It was one of the most freeing feelings of my life. I felt like steel tension wires on my shoulders had finally snapped and released me of that stress and discomfort. But even so, I still occasionally feel a pang of guilt and sadness over it, even to this day. I feel like I failed my friend because I wasn't strong enough to deal with their problems. I should have tried harder, I should have been stronger, and I should have been there for them more. But I know now that their issues are NOT my problem. They weren't and never have been my responsibility to deal with. I was obligated to be their friend, but NEVER their emotional dumping ground. I didn't deserve the way they treated me, and I know that now, even when I feel that sadness wash over me from time to time. I did my best to hold up, but it was too much emotional abuse, and I don't ever regret dropping contact with them. And I never will. If you treat someone like this and cry "mental illness", you're abusive. YOUR MENTAL ILLNESS CAN EXPLAIN BEHAVIORS, BUT NOT EXCUSE THEM. It is up to you to learn how to cope with your issues, not your friends. You cannot get away with treating people like this and expect them to always sympathize and understand, because you can and will lose friends over it. No one deserves to be treated like this. Ever.

[gryffon]

gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement. 

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely.  this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.

[daughterofthewest]

Todays Ramblings with a note of acknowledgment and thanks to a fellow Oregonian

So I’m sorta new at this whole Tumbler thing and I hope you all will be patient with me. I tried it once before but then got too sick to keep up with it. Then when things settled down and I decided to try again I couldn’t get back into my old account because I no longer had the same email address which was school-affiliated; but miracle of miracles, I’m still alive three years later and back in school finally and since I got an ArtSnacks subscription for my birthday earlier this year I’ve been painting and drawing again as well so I decided to give it another shot. 

I will be posting original artwork (once I manage to get it uploaded to this computer and remember how to do that) and writings about my experiences in the study of physical and cultural anthropology, art, being the child of a mentally ill parent, being a widowed single parent myself, taking in stray kids for 15 years while rearing my own,  life-as-altered-by-significant-brain-injury and myriad other things I have experience enough to talk about here in the future as I have time; But in the meantime, today I found a blog here that just spoke to my soul and made me so happy I jumped back in I had to say something about it before I get offline and go do my homework like I should. There are not many words there...mostly just pictures but they are of a place in a home I have been away from for far too long and ache to return to before I die as my years advance and my health is tenuous at best. 

The blogger of note is a nature photographer based in Portland, Oregon - a fellow student - (at my own mother’s alma matter -Portland State University  where I sat in on her classes as a very young child and played among the trees in the heart of the city) taking pictures of places I knew well and frequented in my own youth long before she ( blogger/photographer) was born (I have a son her age); and yet I am so very grateful to her for sharing them and making my experience here in the first 24 hours back on Tumblr worth the effort of trying again just by virtue of having found her photo blog. I have reblogged a few of her photos that are of very significant places in my own story but of which I don’t otherwise have accessible copies of my own anymore.  I hope she won’t mind given that I am herein giving her full acknowledgement and credit and thanks for her work - which is a genuine  boone to a long displaced and homesick fellow Oregonian like me. 

You never know how what you do or share online will impact people you have never met and I just want to say: Thank you @hannahkemp for making the extra effort of your time, energy and talents in creating a space here with a positive impact for so many others out here like me. I hope you will  forgive me for calling you out and re-blogging some of your photos- it is with sincerest appreciation of and gratitude for your work that I have done so.

The recent one of Mt. Hood at sunset was especially poignant for me as that was literally my view out my bedroom window for most of my childhood when the city and wild lands surrounding Portland were my playground. Honestly, I’m still not sure how people who don’t grow up in the shadow of a majestic lonely mountain even learn directions. I constantly got lost for the first several years of living and learning to drive in the Deep South where there are no mountains so the roads are flat and everyhting looks remarkably the same: nothing but tunnels of swampy green- or ugly commercial districts with no personality (with the noted exception of my now beloved second city of New Orleans which is like no other place on the planet and has its own unique charms, as did Portland, though they are very, very different places). 

Gulf Coast beaches are fine if you like lots of sand, sun and loud obnoxious people - which I don’t particularly- they can even be lovely when all but deserted. But, give me the oft overcast and rocky shores of Tillamook Bay, Canon Beach and Astoria, (of which there are also sure to be photos on miss Kemp’s lovely blog) over most of them any day. Seriously folks...go follow her...she’s amazingly talented as a photographic artist and the subject matter for the most part is well...in a word: heartbreakingly exquisite....ok, I know, that was two words...I’m not just a dislocated daughter of the west, Im also a natural redhead, a pisces and an orphan of sorts so I might have a bit of Anne Shirley in me too. Kindly remember that I asked for patience. Verbosity is an affliction I am still coming to terms with and learning to manage for myself. It’s a work in progress. I think that’s enough to be going on with for now...don’t you?

Must go study but will return.