#regardless of whether or not you contact me lol

[konaharts]

[~2020] Demon Slayer chibis

[byakuyasdarling]

Was thinking about my Bl//ack Bu//tler S/I again and realised that since she’s a prequel to the main series, she technically can have a mission where she sees “Ci//el” before the tragedy and when she’s later reincarnated to be a reaper, she sees him again and is like “haiii!”

[tkaulitzlvr]

THE WRONG WAY - T. KAULITZ

synopsis: tom hasn’t been paying you enough attention lately, and, when you finally snap, he can’t understand where you are coming from, until you reach your breaking point. can the issues between you and him be resolved?

content: angst

a/n: pulled this out of my ass lol, i had to rush it because i’m in the middle of another req but it’s nowhere near done after like three hours of writing so i’ll have to finish and post it tomorrow. sorry if there are mistakes, i only proofread veryyy briefly cause i’m so tired rn😭 hope this is okay tho!!

"you don't love me."

i voice the harsh words to the silent room, clearly and with every sense of belief behind my statement. to my discomfort, saying it out loud does not make me feel any more at ease, in fact seeing the way tom’s entire body breaks for a second, processing what i had just said, before trying to cover the hurt on his face up, only suffocates me even more. the lump in my throat only gets bigger, the tension in the air thickening by the second.

"wow." he begins, shaking his head, trying to wrap his head around how i could even come to that conclusion. "that’s an awful accusation." he glances at me, his eyes already glossy, giving me enough of an idea on how much i have hurt him by uttering those four words. however i stick to it, figuring that it is too late to back out now. within me, behind all the anger, all the upset, i feel that it is true. i sense that he no longer feels the same way he did when he met me, all those years ago, the love within his eyes slowly diminishing until it is now long gone.

"and also." he speaks, leaning forward and looking directly into my eyes, staying in his position spread on the end of the other couch. "it's not true. you know it isn't."

the pressure of his gaze leaves me unable to hold eye contact with him, looking away sheepishly into my lap, hoping that somehow the ground could swallow me up. i grit my teeth, locking my jaw in anger, feeling no reassurance from his quick denial of my statement. so i decide to challenge him, standing my ground despite the nausea only growing within me. though his voice seems somewhat certain, i refuse to believe that i am making it up, that it is all in my head. "do i though tom?"

my eyes meet his, except the ones looking into me are foreign. they are angry, a glint of hostility present within them that i had not yet witnessed, this change taking me aback, yet i refuse to look away. he is sad. those eyes, past the resentment in them, i see pain. i see sorrow. i have upset him, far beyond what he intends to let out. he is usually strong, and perhaps right now he thinks that he is keeping this up, yet i can read him like a book, the way his left brow furrows, creating a crease along his forehead, the way his eyes cannot focus on one thing, darting around the room, i can see that he is struggling. and whilst part of me hurts with him, hating to put him through any sort of distress, i need it right now. because i am tired of feeling unloved and unappreciated - regardless of whether tom intends to make me feel this way or not.

he shakes his head, scoffing slightly in disbelief, letting out a shaky sigh, before speaking up, his voice loud, in contrast to the silent room. "what, so i've been lying every single time i’ve told you that i love you, over the past six years that we've been together? mind you, i say that every day, without fail."

i stay silent, my eyes becoming glossy as they quickly tear away from his. he takes my silence as a cue to continue, my sudden belief that he does not love me angering him as he desperately seeks to remind me of every reason why i am in the wrong. "don't i do everything for you? make sure that you're always safe, give you my everything-"

"give me your money, you mean." i reply, cutting him off. i don’t want to seem ungrateful - i appreciate the way tom would spend any amount of money on me if it made me happy. i am thankful for the house he has given me, the vacations he takes me on, the things he buys me, but those things are not the reasons why i fell in love with him. i fell for tom kaulitz. not his money, not his fame, not his profession. i fell for who he is, for him as a person, whether he is rich or poor, yet it feels that day by day i lose a small part of that. i have always understood that his job means that he will be away a lot, but it is hard to be in a relationship with someone that can't always be there, only their fortunes can.

"i’m grateful for what you do for me, really i am, but i'd much rather have time with you than the latest gucci bag, or the newest chanel perfume. if it meant that i would have to live with nothing for the rest of my life, i would do it. don't you understand? i want you - not your money tom! i don't need you to apologise with gifts when i don’t see you all day, i just...i need you." i am desperate, craving for him to hear me out, to understand that it is him that i need, but the way he looks at me in confusion shows me that i am not going to achieve that.

"i thought you liked the things i buy for you. have you been lying?" he completely ignores the point that i have been trying to make, this only fuelling the frustration within me as i exhale shakily, quickly grasping onto the opportunity to argue my point once again.

"i do but that's not the point tom! i like them because i feel like it's all i get from you!" my voice is raising, something which i did not want to happen. shouting never solves the problem, however right now i am far too angry to care. "i just want some of your time, to feel like you actually care! when you're with me, you're here physically, but your mind is always elsewhere. i just miss you. i need to you be mine again, i-"

"look, i’m sorry okay?" he begins, harshly cutting me off and matching the volume in my voice. "i'm sorry that my job is more demanding than others, i’m sorry that it needs a lot of my attention, but i told you this from the beginning. my career is a big part of who i am and things aren't always easy. they get hard, they get tough, but-"

"that's my problem! when things get hard for you, i don't fucking know about it! because you shut me out, every. single. time. i'm your girlfriend, tom. i want to know about your life, i want to help you, but you always run away from me! you spoil me with gifts and money to compensate for every fucking time you leave me in the dark! i don't want it anymore. i just want you to communicate!" i move from the couch, walking to the middle of the room and standing a few feet away from him. his eyes are glued to me, watching my every step, and he is listening to me this time. "am i such a headache to be around, that you can't talk to me? that you can't deal with spending time with me, so instead you spend your money to try and shut me up, because you have so much that no matter what you buy, it doesn't affect you?"

"don't." he voices shakily as i stare into his eyes, his expression more wounded than ever. my words stab into him, hitting him harder than i had anticipated. his fists clench against his thighs, holding every ounce of frustration. though we have argued in the past, i have never seen him this upset, regardless of whether he intends to show it visibly or not. "you know that i don't think of you that way, even for a second. so stop."

"you can't blame me for thinking it tom." i shrug. "you leave me out of everything, i have no idea what's going on in your life anymore-"

“because i'm trying to fucking protect you!" he interrupts, raising his voice once again. his hand slams against the arm of the couch, the sudden contact causing me to wince slightly. "i'm sorry if you feel like i'm hiding things from you. but i know parts of my life would just stress you out and hurt you. don't you get that? i'm trying to save you from the pain-"

"i want the fucking pain!" i fire back. "we are supposed to be in a relationship. do you know what that means? i want to suffer with you. i would choose that, a million times over, if it meant that i could be with you for another day. i want every part of you, the sad, the happy, the angry, i want it all. can't you see that i need you? i hate being left in the dark. i absolutely fucking hate it.”

my voice pierces through his ears, diminishing the tense silence as tom gulps, clenching his jaw and leaning forwards, pinching his nose with his thumb and pointer finger. the rash and quick responses don’t allow me time to calm down, my eyes becoming glossy with tears, the salty liquid staining my cheeks before i can try to hold them back, my weakness just as evident as tom’s. the pain, the upset, the lack of affection that have been feeling all spills out, reeling outwards from within me as i let it out, no longer attempting to hold back.

he looks up, his face softening as he takes in my hurt expression. he has never seen me like this, so broken, and the fact that he is the cause of this pains him even more, his mind coming to the slow realisation that it is up to him to fix this. although he doesn’t fully understand how i could possibly believe that he does not love me, he wants to try, to try and see from my eyes. he lets out a shaky sigh, swallowing nervously before looking into my eyes.

"i would rather feel the sadness, suffer with you." i begin, my voice small as the tears quickly take away my physical strength. "i would do absolutely anything if it means that you will love me, that you will do it with me, tom."

"i don't live a normal life, and i just want to keep you away from the crazy things." he speaks slowly, trying to reason with me, refusing to turn his gaze away from mine. "some people want to hurt me, and i would never forgive myself if someone ever did anything to harm you."

i try to wipe my tears and calm my breathing, wrapping my arms around my small frame in an attempt to comfort myself, quickly becoming overwhelmed with the situation. but my mind acknowledges tom’s change in tone. not only is he more gentle and calm, he also seems sorry, like he now recognises where he went wrong.

"what do you want me to do?" he whispers, defeated as his tired eyes meet mine. he is no longer angry. he is desperate, longing to resolve this. "i'll do anything. i- i can't lose you. you're my world, schatz, and i'm sorry if i haven't shown it, but you are everything to me."

though there are millions of things i could say, i stay silent, standing still across the room. my heart clenches painfully, hurting at the sight of him so distraught, as his mind considers the dreaded idea of what losing me would be like. his world is crumbling before him, the one thing he seeks to protect seeming to slip through his fingers. i have never seen him like this, so vulnerable, so desperate, and whilst it comforts me to know that he is slowly letting down the walls that have prevented me from truly being with him, it saddens me to see him in such a distraught state.

"all i've ever wanted is to keep you safe. to keep you happy, liebe, because if you're happy then so am i. but you deserve more than this." he points to himself angrily, letting out a shaky sigh. "more than this fucking idiot, who doesn't even know how to love. i’m so sorry if i've done it the wrong way and made you feel like i don't care. because you shouldn't for a second think that i don't love you."

everything that i have been craving to see is happening in front of me. i have longed to see him open up, to break down the barriers that separate us both physically and mentally. i don’t want him to be strong all the time, and it hurts that he feels he has to be. the tears fall from my bloodshot eyes once again - this time out of sadness for him. i hurt with him, hating to see him so upset, but i understand his pain, his anger, and i feel every emotion along with him. for the first time in forever, i feel connected with him.

after a few moments of silence, he stands up, slowly walking towards me. i refuse to meet his gaze, fearing that i will break down once again i realise how hurt he truly is, and looking into his eyes will certainly display every emotion amongst his beautiful features. his hand brushes tenderly against my cheek, wiping a fresh tear that had fallen. he reaches towards my chin, using his pointer finger to angle my face upwards so it meets with his eyes. he towers over me, taking in the sorrow etched upon my face, before tucking the loose strands of hair behind my ears, gently caressing my cheek with his lips slightly parted, shaky breaths escaping from them.

"please, look at me." he whispers, gazing longingly into my eyes. i comply, shifting my own eyes to the deep brown ones in front of me. they are full of adoration, and i feel the man that i fell in love with slowly coming back to me. "i love you, so so much, please believe me schatz. you are the most important person in my life, and i am so sorry that i've made you feel the opposite way." he chokes up, his voice shaky as i can tell he is on the verge of tears.

i listen to him, allowing every word to sink in, as it is now no longer hard to trust what he says. i feel what i have been desperate to - love. i feel truly appreciated, like i am able to confide in him like i once could. though frustrated it took the both of us to get to this state to make him speak his mind, i appreciate him opening up, his apology making up for the lost time. there is no shame in being fragile, and through his entire conversation, we have both learned this, a new found appreciation for each other gained as i feel safe again.

"don't feel like you have to keep things to yourself. i’m your girlfriend, i'm supposed to be here for you, and i'll gladly do it, but you have to talk to me." i respond, lacing my hand with his. a soft smile spreads across his face, contrasting with his bloodshot eyes whilst he slowly nods.

"i hear you. i’m so sorry baby. i love you." he whispers, pulling me into a tight hug as his hands lace together around my waist. he lets out a sob onto my shoulder, my heart breaking at the sound. he clutches onto me tighter as if i may slip away, my own eyes tearing up once again. it has been a while since i felt like this. i feel loved, and it is all that i have ever wanted from the start.

he slowly pulls away, resting his forehead against mine and looking into my eyes through his eyelashes. after a few seconds, he leans inwards, until his lips touch mine. the kiss is gentle, carrying every promise to love and cherish me like he has failed to do, and i gladly accept it, kissing back quickly and wrapping my arms around his neck. he pulls away, planting a few pecks on my lips once again, his breath shaky as the remnants of tears stick to his cheeks. i slowly wipe them away, not breaking eye contact as i do so, gently caressing the soft skin until any trace of sadness is lost within our newfound love for each other.

a soft smile graces his lips, failing to wither as he kisses me once again, the same amount of passion as the last, making up for the lost affection as i feel more treasured than ever. this is all I have ever wanted, to feel like he cares, and now that i am feeling his affection, my mind is oozing with contentment, the feeling almost foreign it has been so long.

requests are open! keep sending them in!!

[henrioo]

Hey! Could I please request some fluffy scenarios about Shanks X Male and Mihawk X Male Reader (separately if that's okay) who's love languages are physical touch and quality time, but is also struggling with anxiety? Sorry for going on anon, this is my first time ever requesting and I'm a little nervous lol

°•*⁀➷ TOO MUCH LOVE, TOO MANY THOUGHTS : SHANKS AND MIHAWK

꒰ SYNOPSIS ꒱ : You love your partners, you really do, but sometimes those voices inside you gain control over your body, making you withdraw into your own fears and feelings. Good for you that your partners won't give up on having you by their side.

꒰ WARNINGS ꒱ : MALE! READER, M! READER, NOT POLY! The reader can be Trans or Cis, talking about homophobia but nothing happens, a lot of talk about insecurities in a romantic relationship, talk about anxiety and fear

꒰ WC ꒱ : 2,4k at all, 1k for Shanks and 1,4 for Mihawk

꒰ NOTES ꒱ : Hey thanks for this request! It had been some months and I don't have any idea if you are still there but anyway thanks for that, that request is part of the first ask I received when I opened for male reader so this means a lot to me. The ask doesn't talk too much about the insecurities of the reader because I wanted that you guys could imagine your own, here talk more about how they would handle and help you. Enjoy!

★彡 Shanks

It may not seem like it, but the redhead is a master at reading people, all it takes is a few nervous glances and body language and he knows exactly what the problem is.

However, while he knows what the problem is, he is not that good at knowing the best solution for it. Part of him just wants to grab you and say "stop with that and let's just kiss." Luckily he knows that not everyone works like him, so he is able to understand that you may have different limits and such a direct approach can make the situation worse and even push you away from him.

So, firstly, he tries to understand exactly why you are suffering from so much anxiety when it comes to spending time with him and having more physical touch. Are you ashamed or afraid of doing PDA because of prejudiced looks since you are both men? Are you afraid that he will reject you if you show this need for time and affection? Are you publicly ashamed of others? Regardless of what's going through your head, Shanks wants to understand so he can give you truer love.

When he has a little idea or some theories, which he will achieve after observing you a lot in various situations and talking to all the other men on the ship, he will try to talk to you. Of course he will never force you into anything, he just wants to try to understand and maybe ease this weight that you are carrying alone. Even if you just want to scream or ramble without knowing exactly how to express your feelings and anxiety, he wants to be there for you, to show that he is willing to listen to you, understand you, especially validate and support you. He wants you to see that he is there for you in every situation.

Whether you decide to speak or not, the outcome changes very little. The difference being that having talked to you, Shanks will be able to understand you more easily, thus being able to make fewer mistakes in his attempts to help you and make you more comfortable with everything. If you don't decide to talk, he will be forced to make several trials and errors on how to make the environment more favorable for you to feel comfortable and overcome your anxiety, so you can give in to your desires for physical touch and spend more time with him. quietly.

Since you may have anxiety about initiating contact, Shanks will do all the hard work for you. Which, let's be honest, isn't very difficult, the redhead adores you like a loyal servant to a god, he can't keep his hands off you. It may seem funny to others to see a pirate as strong as a stray puppy following you, especially when they discover that Shanks' lover is a man, but what can he do... He is a man completely in love with you .

It's not uncommon for him to go after you, but if he notices your difficulty in initiating contact, he'll go even more after his presence. Every time he is free on the ship he will come after you, suggesting that you play a game, have a snack, talk, dance, sleep, he never runs out of ideas knowing that coming up first with a goal can make you calmer since you will just need to go with the flow and not think about everything on your own.

With physical touch, the difference is that he will pay extra attention to your comfort, it is normal that every time you are on land he is glued to your side. Holding hands or a hand around his waist practically hugging you, he just doesn't want to let go of you. In bars or any other establishment he would like to sit next to you, he would never put you on his lap, wishing that this choice came from you first. Shanks doesn't want you to feel humiliated or insulted by him wanting you on his lap, especially if you're nervous about showing affection publicly because you're both men.

But that doesn't stop him from having some physical contact, when his hand isn't occupied he'll put it on your thigh or your hand on the table, if he's drinking he'll leave his foot close to yours or even leave his foot close to yours. His leg pressed against yours. Even if it's small touches, he wants to show you that he wants to touch you just as much as you want to touch him. On the ship things are easier, he can simply hide the two of you in your shared room, thus avoiding the teasing of your crewmates and also having a little more privacy.

In the end he will just try to demonstrate that he wants your touch and attention as much as you do. He knows that actions can be stronger than words and he firmly believes that, so he will always be by your side to show you that he would never turn down spending time with you or having a make-out session. You are his boyfriend, after all! The man he loves and would do anything to see smile, he could never get tired of you.

Shanks' greatest happiness will be seeing you slowly loosen up and work on your anxiety better. When you start spending time together or touching, he will be celebrating inside. In the end, he just wants your attention and for you to show how much you love him, so he will never refuse if you want to spend time together. And even if it takes a while, even if you don't touch him for months, even if you need to talk a lot until you feel more confident, he doesn't mind at all. You are the one he loves and he would do anything for you, no effort is too much, you are worth everything he has to face and suffer, and he will accept it with a smile on his face.

If you think Shanks is easy to notice his difficulties then it only takes Mihawk an instant to notice something wrong. The difference is that the redhead will consider that some of the reasons for your anxiety could be external stimuli such as other people, reputation, shame or fear... Mihawk is a little more insecure at this point.

★彡Mihawk

His early theories for your anxiety and difficulty having quality time and physical touch with him is that the culprit is, well... Him. Are you no longer in love with him? Don't you feel comfortable? Not attracted? Is he not that interesting of a person to spend time with or is he not good at physical touch? It doesn't matter, he would initially think that it must be something he did that caused his estrangement.

He would have a few moments alone to consider everything, perhaps you no longer enjoy being in that castle without anyone's company but his. When he manages to calm his mind and open himself to any possibility, whether good or bad, he finally decides to talk to you. Luckily, Mihawk is extremely verbally expressive and is very good at communicating, so even if you were just rambling and getting lost in your own words, he will be able to understand you or even help you with how to express yourself better.

The conversation may seem a little suffocating due to Mihawk's firm gaze, but you've been his lover for long enough that he only pays attention to you like that. Furthermore, you can see a worried touch and even a loving look if you pay close attention to the way he looks at you.

Other than that, he is extremely patient with you, he will listen to you for as long as necessary and will only speak if you allow it and feel comfortable discussing it at that moment. Then he will try to analyze the entire situation to better understand your fears, insecurity, anything that is making you anxious and pushing you away from him. He will never judge any of your motives or tell you they are silly, no matter if you were just shy, if you were nervous about appearing clingy, if you were too nervous about his beauty? It doesn't make any difference why, if it bothers you in some way, then it's totally important and valid for him.

And just as he doesn't care about the reasons, he also doesn't care about the solutions to help you with your problems. He loves you with all the depth and loyalty he could have, so he is also willing to give his blood and sweat for the good of your relationship. For Mihawk it's more than fair for both lovers to make an effort, especially when one of them is in trouble, so not for a second does he think of you or this whole situation as a burden. He loves you and you love him, you are partners, you are the man he chose to spend the rest of his life with, if he doesn't make the slightest effort in trying to keep the relationship on good terms then he doesn't deserve you. That's why he will always do his best.

After that he will try to make everything easier for you, he might give you a few peaceful days without looking for contact, wanting you to breathe before facing your problems. After that he will begin his plan to slowly make you approach him again and feel comfortable coming to him whenever you want... And well, maybe he will be much happier when he can finally touch you again and spend time with you. , it may not seem like it, but Mihawk also really wants your company and the idea of being without it makes him extremely moody.

He will initially try to recapture the moments together, quality time is easier for Mihawk and he thinks that starting with that is the best way for the two of you to get closer again, after all you wouldn't be forced into any touching if you weren't already completely safe. Then he will reminisce about some of the activities you used to enjoy doing together, be it reading in each other's company during a calm evening, the sound of the fireplace and the birds outside providing a more peaceful environment for you to relax your mind and let go of the anxiety. go away. He will also invite you to garden together. If you don't like getting dirty he will just talk to you and ask for your help. That doesn't make you put your hands in the dirt. However, if you like it, he will be very happy to teach you or listen to his teachings. He will work in the garden while you talk about where you could use those vegetables. If you want, he can also help you make a flower garden or plant anything else you like.

He will also love your company in the kitchen, he may use the excuse of testing new recipes to include you more, maybe he will even try to make something that you like to eat from another island. If you cook, like it or want to learn, he doesn't mind your help either, as long as you are happy and coming out of your shell, forgetting your anxiety and allowing yourself to be comfortable and doing what you love again, he is satisfied. Also, he may start trying to initiate physical touches, if you are a swordsman he will love some sparring sessions with you, although he won't go easy on you. After all, you are a man and a worthy opponent, you can notice that his movements are much more sensual and loving, it is as if he is trying to seduce you, win you over again and using all his body language in favor of this.

If you don't fight or don't want to learn, although Mihawk would love to teach you, he can still think of other activities with physical touch. His favorite is dancing. You will find him the most patient and dedicated partner possible, if you understand dancing he will even let you guide, moving and handling his body as you wish. Furthermore, he could even go into activities outside of his standard if that could help him relax and be calmer with touch. Trying on clothes? You have Dracule's entire wardrobe at your disposal, luckily you are both men so this part is easier. Messing with hair? Of course, go ahead and touch his black hair, if you have longer hair he will enjoy learning how to style it or take care of it.

Other than that, once he notices you getting more comfortable, he'll go back to the subtle physical touches. Mihawk is not the type of lover who devours you in public, but you will always find his hand on your back, either guiding you or just making it clear that he is there. He will also offer his hand to help you get up or down from places, a hand on your shoulder or arm if you are in a situation where he wants to make it obvious that he has you and that he won't let anything bad happen.

He doesn't like more sensual touches in public, so in the privacy of four walls you will have more of that, light touches on your neck or your thigh, but they still won't be perverted touches, just a more romantic and deep touch, something he wants to keep for your eyes only.

Mihawk is a lover who is slower to deal with his anxiety, he in no way wants you to feel pressured, so he will wait with open arms when you are ready to regain intimacy. He'd also hate for you to feel like you're obligated to have this kind of intimacy with him, so he also doesn't mind if you don't like the closeness. In the end the truth is just unique, in Mihawk's eyes you are the perfect man, if you don't like so much intimacy and touching he is satisfied with that, if you like touching and want to be with him 24/7 he will too be more than satisfied. He needs you, everything you give him will be a gift. Therefore, even though he seems like a stoic and even cold man, Mihawk would never deny or be ashamed of your touch, you are the only one who can do whatever you want and he will never be bothered by it.

[changbinsboiledegg]

what are your thoughts on enhypen and their favorite part/s of their partner's body?

My thoughts, ey? I’ll do the Hyung line for now since my other enha nsfw is already Hyung line only. I’ll do a Sunoo & Jungwon catch up eventually if enough ppl want it. Btw thank you for your ask/request(?) 🫶

MDNI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Warnings: SFW & NSFW. Lol. Poor grammar/ usage of text language since these are headcanons/thoughts, really.

Note: Also pretty short because whenever I think, I suddenly have the inability to think. Jake’s is longer because (starts running away)

Anyways, if no one's told y'all today, ily. :)🫶💜 horny mfs

More under the cut lol

♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎

Heeseung

SFW: I think he would like your hands the most. Something about Heeseung makes me see him as a hand holder when you’re on a date or just out in public, likes when you play with his hands, hair, just likes the way your hands look and feel against him. (Innocently). Also seems like the type to warm your hands up when it’s cold by rubbing and “blowing” hot air. (Please tell me y’all know what I’m talking about lmao)

NSFW: :)))))) honestly, I see him as an ass dude. Expect his hands always on your ass or his body pressed against you from behind whenever he finds a reasonable excuse to (like cuddling, or even out in public when he’s trying to stick with you.) now back to loving your hands :))) you already know what I’m gonna say. He, not so innocently, loves how your hands feel and look touching him.

Jay

SFW: May sound weird, but your entire face. He loves the shape of your face, how each of your features compliment each other. I see him as a ‘nose bopper’. Not to tease you, but just because he finds your nose to be so cute regardless of how you feel about it. He loves your lips, eyes, eyebrows, forehead, cheeks. I just see him as a sentimental/ romantic person???

NSFW: Okay, hear me out. I think he would love your thighs. Small or big, I feel like he would find your thighs really attractive. Whether they are touching or not, exposed or covered, just finds them to be a huge turn on. they are his main focus during ‼️seggs‼️ (sorry). Plus, idk if y’all have seen his hands, but try and tell me he isn’t the type to have a hand on your thigh whenever sitting or driving or any opportunity. Now talk to a wall 🫶

Jake

SFW: honestly, I think he seems like a clingy person so I’d say your entire body but I feel like that’s a cop out answer lol. Anyways, idk if y’all think the way I do but you ever see him talk to someone and he’s just listening intently, eye contact and all?? This makes me think his favorite body part/feature is your eyes. He loves how they look in the morning, afternoon, night. In the sunlight or even in the dark with LED lights/ under a lightbulb. Y’all get the point. He especially loves the way you look at him with your eyes, losing himself in them.

NSFW: alright, tried to keep this gender neutral but I can’t shake the whole “he’s a boobs guy” thought away. So, fem!readers, he likes your boobs, big or small, doesn’t matter. I tried to convince myself other wise but can’t. Always groping you or finding reasons to look at or touch your boobs. (With consent!!) again, his hands lowkey give it away, I’m sorry.

Now for the gender neutral lovelies, he loves your neck. Kissing, biting, sucking, the way it looks, it drives him crazy and leaves him CRAVING you just thinking about it. And if you’re into it, choking. Again, his hand lowkey :)))))) whatever, y'all get it, I think.

Sunghoon

SFW: Okay, this may sound weird than “face” but I think his favorite is your mouth. He loves the way your smile at him or in general, how it moves when you talk. Just warms his heart remembering your soft lips. Also, imo, he has nice lips which leads me to believe he’s a great kisser. Feel free to argue with a wall if you disagree. 🫶

NSFW: Tying into the mouth agenda, :))))) y’all already know where this is going. I still think he’s a great kisser, so you already know he’s gonna love steamy make out sessions with you. He’d get so turned on the moment he feels your lips on him, whether it’s on his lips, neck, chest, or lower, he’s in love with you and the way your lips feel and look against him. :))))

[leonsliga]

How to get football autographs: a crash course

Fair warning: this will be a long post.

We’ve all heard it by now: the best way to get footballer autographs is to attend open trainings or wait outside their hotels and stadiums on match days. But what if you live far away or can’t afford to fly to training or games? Not to worry! Whether you’re a collector, a fan, or a little bit of both like me, quite a few clubs are still willing to send out autograph cards, as long as you send them a stamped addressed envelope.

You’ll find helpful how-to videos on how to do just that, along with links to some country stamp websites, below. These videos actually inspired this post:

Postal service links:

United Kingdom

https://shop.royalmail.com/postage-and-packaging/first-and-second-class-stamps - You can’t print UK stamps, but you can buy them off the Royal Mail website (see above link) or off Amazon in most cases

Germany

https://shop.deutschepost.de/shop/internetmarke/selectPostageIM.jsp?invalidAccess=true#porto-international (you’ll want to buy the printable compact letter—Kompaktbrief in German—stamps for 1,70€)

Spain

https://www.correos.es/es/en/companies/send/stamps - Unfortunately, I’m completely useless at navigating the Spanish postal service (AKA Correos), but here’s the link regardless. Maybe you’ll have better luck than me 😅

France

You can buy printable stamps using the link above

Postage Questions:

What materials will I need to send a request?

You’ll need a letter containing your autograph request, 2 envelopes (one bigger and one smaller), a stamp/stamps (depending on size and weight) from your country and the stamp/stamps of the destination country.

I’ve bought my stamps. What size envelopes should I get?

I recommend getting c4 envelopes, as they’ll be big enough to hold your autograph request letter. These will be the envelopes you’ll mail out. If you go with a c4 envelope, I’d recommend purchasing c5 envelopes as your smaller envelope. These will be the envelopes the clubs return to you with the autograph cards inside, and you’ll slide them into your c4 envelope when you’re ready to mail them.

Be sure to include the club’s mailing address and your country’s stamp on the large envelope and your address + their country’s stamp on the smaller one

Where can I find a club’s mailing address?

You can usually find a club’s mailing address, along with their attitude towards fanmail, on the “contact us” tab on their webpage. If you can’t find it there, search the name of the club on fanmail.biz; they have the mailing address of just about every football club you can imagine.

What should I put in my autograph request letter?

The main thing here is to include which footballers’ autographs you want (if you don’t have a preference, you don’t have to do this; you can always say you’d be happy to add whatever player cards they’re willing to send to your collection, or something like that lol). Apart from that, what you include is entirely up to you! I wouldn’t recommend sending a super long letter, but if you want to add a personal touch, you can always mention one of your favorite memories of that club and their achievements. It doesn’t hurt to throw in a thank you at the end either :) one last note: you can address your letter to the club or the player whose autograph you’re requesting; it’s entirely up to you!

Do I have to send a stamped addressed envelope to every club?

Not necessarily. If you want to save money on stamps and envelopes, try emailing the clubs first. If you’re lucky, they’ll send the autograph cards directly to you and pay for the postage :)

Now onto the most important question: does it work? The answer is that it depends on the club you’re sending the request to and sometimes even the league they play in. I’ll break it down by league below, detailing either my own experiences writing to the club (if I’ve written to the club and heard back, I’ll state it outright) or that of YouTubers who have reached out to them. If you don’t see your club here, assume they either don’t reply to fanmail, or I haven’t heard of any success stories yet.

Premier League

Some Prem clubs still send out autographs, but not all. Here’s the ones that do:

Manchester United - pre-covid I’m pretty sure they sent out only hand-signed autographs upon request. Unfortunately, they seem to have cut back a bit on this in recent years; nowadays they tend to send a mix of hand-signed and pre-printed, facsimile signatures (this was the case for me when I wrote to them a few months ago and a few YouTubers that wrote to them as well). Still, pretty amazing given the size of the club that they’re willing to do this. As a United fan, I can’t help but feel a little proud :)

Liverpool - they definitely take the “you’ll never walk alone” motto literally, because they also still answer autograph requests with squad photos and signatures, at least as of 2021. To add a personal touch, they usually include a certificate with your name on it. Even though they’re United’s biggest rivals, I can’t help but respect them for this.

Arsenal - another big club that’s not too big for their fans; to my knowledge, they still send out hand-signed autographs. In doing research for this post, I even stumbled upon a video of someone who got an Arsenal match program, 2 squad photos, and autographs on the back of one of them. Talk about a big haul!

Tottenham - usually send pre-signed, photocopied autograph cards

Chelsea - sent out pre-signed, facsimile autograph prints as of 2021

Manchester City - sends out facsimile signatures only, according to several YouTubers (I’ve never contacted the club personally, so I’m not sure if this is still the case). If you do reach out to them, let me know what you hear back!

Crystal Palace - hit-or-miss. They tend to reply with pre-signed squad photos. They usually include a “south london and proud” bracelet from what I understand though, which is a fun perk!

West Ham - you might hear back from them, you might not (I didn’t when I tried a few months ago, but I know several other people did). If they do reply, you’ll likely receive hand-signed photos.

Aston Villa - sent out mostly pre-signed cards as of 2021

Everton - sent out predominantly hand-signed cards as of 2020

Leicester - send out a mix of photocopied and hand-signed cards, as of 2020 - they generally include player cards from the entire squad

Bournemouth - sent out pre-printed cards as of 2021

Newcastle - still sent out hand-signed photographs as of 2020

Bundesliga

If you want hand-signed autographs, look no further than the Bundesliga. In my experience, they send out the most hand-signed cards of any football league, and it’s not even close. In fact, you’d be hard pressed to find a club that doesn’t send out hand-signed cards. I’m assuming it’s the same story for the 2. Bundesliga (I know Schalke sends out hand-signed cards at the very least).

Bayern Munich - generally, they prefer you purchase cards on their website. Unfortunately, you have to be a member to buy signed cards on there; otherwise, you have to settle for pre-signed prints. That said, I’m pretty sure that if you purchase the player cards on the website and send a few back to the club to be signed, they will return them with official autographs. I sent in a request for Manuel Neuer’s autograph earlier this year and enclosed his player card, and they sent it back hand-signed. I included my membership number in my request just in case, but I know they’ve sent hand-signed autographs to non-members in the past (i.e. the YouTuber mentioned towards the beginning of this post). If you do reach out to Bayern, let me know how it goes. My fingers are crossed for you regardless 🤞

Borussia Dortmund - probably the most reliable of the Bundesliga clubs when it comes to autograph requests. They now limit you to 4 footballers per request, so you’ll have to be selective. That said, they usually reply quickly and send out hand-signed autographs every time. I have yet to hear of anyone who hasn’t received something back when they sent an autograph request to BVB.

Bayer Leverkusen - when I requested autographs from them, they sent me some back. I requested 3 players’ autographs, along with Xabi Alonso’s, and received all 4 cards back hand-signed. Quite a few YouTubers have had success hearing from them as well. Even though they’re having a fantastic season, they clearly haven’t neglected their fanmail, which is cool to see :)

Eintracht Frankfurt - sends out hand-signed autograph cards, even as of this season (they sent hand-signed cards when I reached out to them two months ago). If they’re your club, you’re in luck.

VfB Stuttgart - hand-signed cards

RB Leipzig - hand-signed cards

FC Union Berlin - hand-signed cards (I haven’t heard back from them yet, but it’s only been a week and a half at this point)

SC Freiburg - hand-signed cards

Borussia Mönchengladbach - hand-signed cards (I just heard back from them a week ago, and I think I got a mix of hand-signed cards and pre-signed prints)

FC Augsburg - hand-signed cards

SV Werder Bremen - hand-signed cards

VfL Wolfsburg - hand-signed cards

VfL Bochum - hand-signed cards, sometimes of the entire team (I received 4 cards in response to my request)

TSG Hoffenheim - hand-signed cards, often of the entire team

FC Köln - hand-signed cards

FSV Mainz - hand-signed cards, often of majority of the squad

La Liga

If you’re a fan of a Spanish club, you might be a lot less lucky, sadly. Only one club still sends out hand-signed autographs to my knowledge, and only one other club sends anything back in response to fanmail.

Real Madrid - occasionally sends out posters with pre-printed, facsimile signatures.

Sevilla - this is the club to ask for hand-signed autographs. That said, you probably won’t get more than one or two. I’d recommend being specific about which player(s)’ autographs you want in order to avoid being disappointed.

Ligue 1

Maybe the French league is more your speed. It’s a mixed bag here; while few answer fanmail, the ones that do are more often than not the most generous of any football clubs on this list.

PSG - the Parisians do still respond to autograph requests, but pretty much exclusively send out facsimile signatures.

Olympique de Marseille - have sent out pre-signed cards of their entire team in the past, along with a poster

FC Metz - sent out a mix of hand-signed autographs and pre-signed prints as of 2021

LOSC Lille - sent out autograph cards as of 2021

OGC Nice - sent out autograph cards as of 2021

RC Strasbourg - sends out autographed postcards, and if you’re lucky, they might include a squad photo and some stickers along with it :)

AS Saint-Étienne - send out hand-signed cards, although I’ve also seen them send squad photos addressed to the recipient, along with 2 issues of their club’s magazine

Eredivisie

PSV Eindhoven - sometimes send out autograph cards with facsimile signatures (pre-prints)

Swiss Super League

FC Basel - sent out hand-signed cards as of 2021

BSC Young Boys - sent out hand-signed cards as of 2021

Austrian Football Bundesliga

SK Rapid Wien - sent out hand-signed cards as of 2021

LASK - hand-signed cards (as of 2021)

Scottish Premiership

Glasgow Rangers - occasionally sends pre-signed prints (at least, as of 2021)

Ekstraklasa

All clubs listed below have sent out hand-signed autograph cards in the past:

Śląsk Wrocław

Legia Warszawa

Lech Poznań

A-League

Western Sydney Wanderers - signed squad photo

MLS

Whether you’ve got a particular club in mind or you’re just a fan of one of the big stars (i.e. Messi), you’re probably in for disappointment. Autograph collecting isn’t super big in the U.S., and MLS treats autograph requests accordingly.

Seattle Sounders - one of the only two clubs in MLS that actually sends a response to autograph requests - one lucky collector was even able to get a hat signed by the entire squad! (see here)

NYCFC - sends out hand-signed autograph cards occasionally, usually only one or two

*side note: unfortunately, it seems like most people have only reached out to European clubs, (with the exception of the A-League and MLS), so I can’t speak to whether clubs on other continents fulfill autograph requests. If you reach out to any clubs in leagues not mentioned here, let me know and I’ll update the list :)

Lingering questions:

How long does it take to hear back from clubs?

In my experience as someone living in the UK, I’ve heard back from every club I reached out to within 2-3 weeks (closer to the 2 week mark in most cases). It depends on how far away you live from the club though. I heard back from Manchester United within a week of mailing my request, but they were the exception, not the rule.

Tldr: expect to hear back within a month (maybe a month and a half in extreme cases)

Do clubs answer autograph requests during the off-season?

In my experience, no. I tried this a few years back with no success.

Can I send a shirt to be signed by a player?

I wouldn’t recommend it, as you may not get it back. If you do, the club will probably just return it to you unsigned. You’re better off just requesting an autograph card imo.

Do national teams send autograph cards?

Some do! Last I’ve heard, the German national team still answers requests with authentic signatures and the Croatian national team has sent out signed cards previously as well. The Czech Republic sends out unsigned squad cards. Last but not least, the Dutch national team has sent out fan posters in the past.

Apart from David MC’s autograph series, here’s some of the other videos that helped form this list:

[freshlyrage]

Running Like Water

Chapter 21

pairing: Javier Peña x OFC (written as xReader)

fic warnings: NSFW Explicit Smut (18+ MDNI) language, strained family relationships, mentions of drug abuse, discussions of insecurities and body image issues, daddy and mommy issues

fic tags: Best friends younger sister, Life-long crush, Friends to lovers, Unrequited love, slow burn, Push and Pull, Small Town Dynamics, Secret Relationships, latina MC, Fluff and Angst, OFC!Jessica Alba face claim, sorry Lorraine I’m bringing you into this, Time jumps, 2 year age gap, pre-canon

word count: 9.4k

a/n: Whoa haven't seen you guys since last year... LOL. This is very angst filled, sadly its our last vacation chapter. Back to reality but Javier and Andrea try some new... stuff... this chapter 🍑. If it isn't your thing thats okay!

But (no pun intended) on a less sexy note, Andrea meets some family this chapter.

Sorry for the wait was busy this month having a winter break fling (that's so like me) but back to reality.

Thank you for being so patient with me always.

This is for @angelofsmalldeath-codeine

The two of you leave the studio shortly after Edmond threatened to wring Javier’s neck for the first date joke, well it is our first date. Before that though you were honestly  eager to get out of the place, you needed him back in the hotel room, you needed to thank him with your mouth, with the warmth pooling on the tiny thong under your skirt. While Javi explains to Edmond that you are indeed the girl he had vented about when they first met, usually this would have made you a blushing mess but you were practically squirming in the stool. Your earrings catching the light casting a red reflection against the wall. Your eyes follow the light around the room as the two spoke, your mind drifting in places that could only be described as filthy. Edmond jokes that it had all worked out in the end, it took you a moment to catch up with their jokes. You had disassociated but Javier picked up on it and ushered the two of you out of the studio and back out into the Louisiana heat. 

“I have dinner reservations so behave.” He whispers before grabbing your hand in a sweet possessive hold. Your brows quirk slightly before leaning into him completely. He seemed to be hyper focused on getting the two of you to the proper place at the right time because his eyes went all squinted while he walked you through the busy sidewalks. 

“I am behaving.” You were, sure, maybe it was a bit rude of you to look around the room aimlessly while Javier caught up with his old pal, but you truly didn't mean to. There was something about girls like you, girls who craved to be wanted–once you get a taste–insatiable is the only word to describe you. So insatiable that you couldnt give a fuck about a dinner date with Javier Peña, it was so like you. So like you to feel so overwhelmed with love, a feeling so foreign, so strong that now you can't think of anything else but the thought of him inside of you. Good lord you were soaking. 

His cheeks were still red, either from tears or the high sun. Regardless he looks down at you with a teasing smirk that quickly hardens and turns into a disapproving head shake. “I saw you out of the corner of my eye, querida. Wiggling around in that stool.” He says in hush tones, you break eye contact in slight embarrassment. You know that annoys him, when you shy away because you feel his body stiffen. Poor Javi, you think. One day he’ll understand you fully, he knows you better than anyone else  but he still isn't used to your self-destructive tendencies of self-manipulation and constantly wondering whether he truly likes you. And despite today being the greatest testament of his devotion for you there was still that part of you that was a girl without a father. How humiliating? You also know he is never truly upset with you, even when he stands up straight and huffs a breath, it's always followed by silence, his space to try to figure you out.

There's a lot to learn, six years apart is too much for anyone. You've become four different people in these six years. 

By the time the two of you entered the warmly lit restaurant you've given your brain some time to think of meeting your grandmother tomorrow, now thats a thought to have you quit squirming. The desire you felt so heavily only half an hour before left in an instant at the thought of what's to come tomorrow. As you settle in your seat the thought of your father not being alive crosses your mind, instinctively you touch the bee earrings softly.

You feel Javi watching you with intent, a small frown on his lips as he adjusts his belt buckle while he sits. If your stomach wasn't doing turns from impending doom you would have made a big dick joke, you suddenly didn’t have it in you. You quit touching the earrings and let out a shaky breath before grabbing the menu. 

“What’s wrong Andrea?” He asks, stern, almost like it's a statement. Like nothing is not an answer he’ll accept. He knows something is wrong. 

“I’m really nervous for tomorrow.” You admit without any tooth pulling. Uncrossing your legs beneath the table, Javi nods firmly he knew how to react to you when you admitted things like this. There's nothing you hated more than someone screwing their brows in concern and pity, he never did that. He just nodded, solid, dependable and able to listen. He doesn't respond so you continue. Brushing a piece of hair from your face you sip the water given. “I also don’t want this weekend to end. I don’t want to go back. I especially don’t want to go back if tomorrow goes bad, I don’t have it in me to explain that to my mother.” There it was, that other part. The sheer embarrassment that could be awaiting you, the possibility of being humiliated by your paternal family and coming home to a mother that will look at your tear stained cheeks and say, I told you so. 

Javi clenches his jaw at the slight shake in your voice, and it’s so like him. He puts his large hand palm up at the small table between you two. Your heart grows in your chest and without hesitation you place your own small hand over his. Manicured nails circling the dry lines there, his thumb rises and wedges between two fingers tickling you a spot you never knew tickled. You choke out a giggle and dug your nails into his palm, he winces in fake pain. Ow, he grumbles. You take his hand entirely and lifts it to your face, pressing a kiss to his palm. He smiles, his dimples deepening and his eyes crinkling. “Sorry.” You say and kiss his palm again, “Sorry for attacking you with my nails even though you’ve made me the happiest girl in the world today.” 

He shakes his head in a shy little act, wow, you wanted to jump his bones again. “It’s okay I like it when you’re rough.”

“Oh shut up.” You laugh, pressing his palm to your cheek before placing it back down on the table. “And I’m sorry for ruining the mood with my sulking.” 

 “Don’t apologize to me.” Javier furrowed his brow in disapproval, “If tomorrow doesn’t go the way you plan I’ll extend our weekend, give you time to recover here. Don’t care if it’ll be obvious to everyone that we’re together, we’ll figure it out.”

Your lips quirk in a satisfied smile, you’ll take it. You were minutes away from suggesting the two of you stay in New Orleans until the damn wedding Saturday. The two of you were so in love it was hard to be logical. Hiding your face a smidge as you lift the menu to cover your crimson cheeks. “Okay, that's fine with me.” 

“God I wish I knew she was that mean to you–I’m like regretting being her friend a little bit.” You were slurping down pasta with a frown, hearing stories from high school about Lorraine. The more he uncovered, the more you regret giving her grace. Every new piece of information was followed with Javier’s attempt to excuse it. You suppose the both of you have some things to learn, you wanted to tell him that her actions and his faults were not in the slightest bit comparable. Like;

On valentine's day she got drunk and purposefully poured wine on my favorite sweater in front of all my friends. But she was mad because I skipped sunday mass with her family the week before. 

Or,

I was really upset with her cheating, but she blamed it on the time I called you pretty in front of her. I guess to her that was emotionally cheating.

You sat in front of him with your mouth agape, or you cursed under your breath before shutting yourself up with carbs. “None of that is normal, you shouldn't make excuses for that sort of behavior. I doubt she does when she complains about you to other people.” You say while dabbing the corners of your lips free of marinara. 

He laughs and nods in agreement, “You're right, I want to be the bigger person though. No need to be upset on my behalf querida.”

The 2nd glass of wine gets to you slightly as you roll your eyes aggressively, feeling awfully protective of your boyfriend. You remember which sweater it was, it was the white knitted one he wore to his last christmas at home, he would wear that thing to every holiday. “Whatever, god forbid I feel defensive over my man.” You whisper and bring your glass to your tinted lips. Javier’s lips quirk at its corners, you know he loved hearing that come from your mouth. You noticed it just thirty minutes prior when you told the waiter, my boyfriend would like the same. You picked up on the way he shifted in his seat when you called him baby. For the past 10 minutes you had been slipping the pet names slowly and scattered, he was getting worked up. Look who needs to behave now. 

“Hmm.” He huffs, annoyed, turned on, grumpy and everything else.

You bite back a tipsy smile, slipping your pointed heel up his calf slowly, until the outsole skated his inner thigh. He shakes his head and looks to you through a half lidded gaze. “Relax.” His voice deep and striking, loud enough for the other patrons to hear. You nod in agreement and attempt to move your foot back down but before you could make the effort his hand falls between his spread legs and holds your delicate foot in place on his lap. Your breath hitches in your throat, your leg pulled so still your skirt rides up. Saving yourself from the breeze, your left leg tightens to cover the soaked fabric now exposed. 

With his right hand holding your heeled foot and his left hand on the table, he grabs his glass and continues at his drink. Your breath is hitched in your throat, you feel his stare. His eyes glued to your chest, your nipples pebbled under the fabric. You don’t listen to his demand, incorrigibly you lean forward releasing some tension with the press of your legs and the hip movement required for you to move closer. “Why are you being so mean?” 

His eyes narrow, “Mean? A weekend getaway, museum date and those pretty earrings.” He teases and you nearly laugh, nearly, truthfully you were so turned on you couldn’t care to play these games. You’ve had years to do that. You survey the restaurant, there had only been about ten tables and each paired with a couple or a group of men in suits. Your eyes dart to the family bathroom, Javier follows your line of sight with a smirk. No families, you note. Less guilt for what you’re about to do. 

You drop your heel from his hold and wipe the corners of your mouth, “Well, you’ve spoiled me Javi.” You shrug, adjusting your small cardigan to cover your pointed nipples. He laughs a hearty chuckle. Your face falls to straight seriousness, hair readjusted. His nostrils flare at your hardened look.

“Rotten.” 

Your eyes shrink with a slight hint of petulance. Like a little girl not getting her way, absolutely not. Eyes scanning the room once more, “Well if you’ll excuse me. I’m going to take care of myself in the bathroom.” You huff before rising to your feet. Feeling the table to your right shooting a glance at your figure. With a strut of false confidence, your knees were buckling with fear he won’t follow you and just think you’re upset with him. It’s the last message you want to get across after he poured his aching soul to you at the gallery.

Javier watches you walk to the bathroom and close the door behind you. Well he watches to make sure no one else was watching because the pencil skirt you decided to wear curved perfectly below your ass, making it apparent to everyone that your behind was a tight little thing. Rolling his tongue against his cheek he waits a few seconds before pinching the bridge of his nose. 

He knows you, he knows you’ve been pent up since the gallery, since he put those earrings on you. How could he not know, you practically screwed your brows in bliss every time he took a look at you. Truthfully on their walk to the restaurant he was still reeling from the entire first date thing, he had never lost his composure like that—to cry in front of someone— to cry in front of you. He’d be a lying dog if it didn’t scare the living shit out of him. So scared that he nearly thought about just saying fuck it and getting down on one knee and proposing to you with some fucking earrings. 

He knew it before. He knows it now that what you too have is forever, beyond time and circumstance, there was no way you two could live a life with other people. What a discovery to make on a first date. 

Anyway those feelings of sheer terror and love, they’re the same in his head, were quickly replaced with every tiny possessive nickname you let leave your red bitten lips. He was fully hard by the time you decided to play footsie with him, he wondered if you felt the strain against his pants through your heels. He decided he was going to fuck you into the mattress when the two of you got back to the hotel but he supposes you had different plans. 

His eyes glued to his glass he picks it up and downs it. “Fuck it.” He murmurs before wiping his mustache, adjusting his shirt and heading for a straight bee line for the bathroom. 

You smile softly at him through the mirror, “I was starting to think you didn’t get the memo.” Javi nods, his mind set. Silent and brooding behind you. Your confidence seemed to have faded with each passing minute he contemplated whether to follow you or not. “I was afraid you thought I was really upset-Oh Javi.” You shriek the second he tosses your skirt over your ass. Instinctually bending a bit over the sink. Dropping to his knees, his dirty thoughts win as he slightly sinks his teeth into your tan behind. You giggle at the absurdity of it all, but he doesn’t care what it would look like to  anyone else. He was a man utterly in love with his girlfriend, and with how soft her ass was. 

Javier kisses each cheek of hers and laces each kiss with a bite then a firm tug. Kneading and kisses, his large palms have finally found something that he didn’t completely engulf. Why was it so sexy when his hand covered your entire breast yet even sexier that your ass finally dwarfs him? He’s never been a man above worship, above religion, still he had never believed in a god so clear, so real until he came home and had you. Was it normal to be this enthralled by a partner? Was it just the honeymoon? He really couldn't care anymore about those questions because god, Andrea, he murmurs like a prayer.  

With your skirt piled at your hips, the tiny little red thong was fair game for his needy kisses. His teeth graze the string that just barely covered the one part of you that’s untouched, you buck as his fingers spread you open, the loose string falling to the side to expose you there. “Anyone ever touch you here?” He asks with his left hand holding you open, and his right thumb skimming so close. He knows the answer. He wants to hear it. You screw your eyes shut, a small whimper escapes your parted lip. Your heels slip on the tile, he lets up his left hand to hold you steady. 

Tossing your hair over one shoulder and attempting to look back at him you whisper, “Never—I want to try but-”

But I’m not sure I want that sort of first time to be in a restaurant bathroom. You think.

He knows exactly what you mean, he knows how delicate this part of sex could be, he knew it's a lot more than a heat of the moment decision. He’d never, not in a place like this. Though, he had other ideas, “Another time, can I taste you here at least.” He taps at your cunt and you eagerly reach behind and slide your panties to the side. Javi smiles when he’s met with his girlfriend’s swollen cunt just for him. Good lord, he did not want to think about having to sneak around again. For the two of you to be limited beyond your control the second you step home. He wondered why he couldn’t just rent a home out here just for the two of you, just until he leaves. Will they be reduced once again to just twice a week, all pent up and hand-covering mouth sex in his bed. He tried not to think, tried. 

One thing the two of you have grown fond of is him eating you out from behind. This position was just like the second time, in his room on memorial day. You look over your shoulder, the cardigan slipped low to expose the tan shoulder of yours. With lidded eyes you stare into Javier’s soul as you reach your hand between his face and your bent form. With a shy blush your delicate fingers run across the seam of your cunt and slowly up to skim the tight hole that's been the object of Javier’s deepest fantasies. 

“You can taste here too.” You quip, you weren’t sure if people even did that. You could be making a fool out of yourself but you knew after his fingers got close to your asshole, you felt a new pit in your belly. Javier’s eyes raised and he suddenly felt like a kid in a candy store. Never in a million years did he ever imagine a world where you agreed to something like this. He mumbles deeply, Jesus Christ. You didn’t have to tell him twice. 

He plunged his face into your cunt first, quicker and less teasing this time, they were in a public bathroom for crying out loud. His licks and sucks are wet and aggressive. His head shaking in between. You drop your head into your chest and the slow build of release. If he kept up this pace you’ll be writhing in climax in thirty more seconds. You're not sure you were ready for the moment he proceeds to eat you out just there. For a moment you wonder if this is really something people do during sex, you’ve had girl friends who have tried anal but none of them ever mentioned their boyfriends eating them out there. You wonder if you're the first people to ever do this- or it’ll feel good at all. You surely weren’t ready, the second his heavy tongue slid up to your place untouched, and you weren’t expecting such a feeling.

You shrieked loud enough for the guests to hear. Javier’s heart sank and paused for a second while you covered your mouth.

“I’m sorry-I’m sorry.” 

Javier’s brows tensed, “Is it too much?” He asks lowly, looking up at the back of your head. You screw your eyes shut, and nod.

“No-I just didn’t expect for it to feel so good.” You whisper as if to do damage control for the shriek you let out, with your head dropped in shame you feel his chuckle between your cheeks. Okay, he laughs and continues again. You’re more prepared this time–yeah you two definitely aren't the firsts to discover eating ass. This has got to be popular.

His head moving skillfully, his chin skimming your cunt along with it. Shaking his head and devouring you whole. And oh, it was a feeling so good you were afraid to know what it would feel like if he applied more pressure than a tongue back there. You never saw the appeal in anything to do with anal—suddenly—you suppose it takes the right person. You always told yourself you’d never try any of that unless you were married or something— well close enough. Your knuckles go white gripping the porcelain tops. He parts for a second and spits directly on your ass, parting you to watch it slide down onto your cunt. 

“You like being a dirty girl? Yeah, Andrea?” he gets close again to clean up his mess and good gracious you were close. “Letting me eat your ass like this? Used to think you were so shy—now look at what you’re letting me do to you.” He dives in again, this time reaching his entire body leans with it. His hands gripping the tops of your thighs while he moves from your cunt to your ass and back-and back again. 

Your forehead presses against the mirror and you catch your own eyes for a moment and you’re absolutely disgusted by the sight. Disgusted in the best way possible. You are filthy, you love it—you loved this. You bend further to give him better access to your clit and you’re a goner. Your ears ring and you fall limp but like always he never lets you fall. He’s at his feet again, pressing your knees together. He unbuckles himself and relieves his aching cock from their confinement. You open your mouth to tell him to put it in but he speaks first.  

“I’m gonna come, just let me—fuck.” He grabs himself and fists himself over your bent body. “Let me fuck your thighs really quick—please princesa, let me—” He grits and you bite your lips at the thought. Your heart skips a beat or a few, so many firsts. Why is the thought so enticing?

Okay—please, you murmur and without hesitation he drags his cock between your folds, collecting slip before thrusting. He wipes his eye as an attempt to readjust his blurry mind. The post orgasm clarity will hit him soon, it didn’t matter now he was too pent up to care. He humps you from behind, his length squeezed by your thighs and his tip nudging your overstimulated clit. There was something depraved about the action, being used in this way. Being used and loving the way it feels.

And he’s driving fast, pre-cum spreading at the tops of your thighs. How he made sex so enjoyable was beyond you, all you could do is softly sigh and moan, nearly drooling from your mouth falling open. “Javi please– I-” Perhaps your moans were a bit too loud because his hand snakes up to your mouth, effectively muzzling you. You babble incoherent begs and moans into his dry palm, while his other hand death gripped your hips for stability. It didn’t take many thrusts for you to be coming again, his hand on your hip quickly snaked to hold your thighs tighter against him and with that he finished over the tops of your thighs, painting you perfectly. His own little art piece. 

There’s a ringing silence for a moment as he slips out from behind you. You catch your breath, wiping your tears away. Head heavy, too frazzled to adjust to the situation. Javier just ate your ass out in a restaurant bathroom and fucked your thighs. And you came twice in ten minutes. Jesus take the fucking wheel. 

“I-I’m sorry I’ve never done anything like that before.” You almost expect for those words to come from your mouth but it aches all the same coming from his. You turn around to him, knowing the sight is probably ridiculous, tear stained cheeks, a wrap skirt hiked up your legs and his come spread at the tops of your thighs.

Your eyes soften watching him fumble to tuck himself away. You could see his jaw clenched, you knew when his mind was on overdrive. This is one of those moments. Like he’s drafting ways to apologize to you. 

“I liked it.” You admit in a whisper. 

His brows shoot up and he looks up to you. The color in his face returning, as he fastened his belt. “You did?” 

You blush, your eyes falling to your thighs. “I did, we should try more stuff like that… it was… really hot.” You admit, looking up at him through your brow bone. His nostrils flare and he’s nodding. 

“Okay.” He nods sternly in the same old grumpy Javi way. 

Your lips twist at the silliness of it all. “Okay…” 

“Alright.” He’s still staring at your thighs. 

You giggle, “Jesus christ Javi! Clean me up!”

He jumps in place, “Right sorry.”

It’s safe to say that the two of you were quite full after the whole restaurant debacle. Frankly your last night should’ve been filled with endless love making but Javier could sense your nerves. After tipsy kisses and stumbling into the room the reality began to set in. You struggled to sleep that night, afraid of waking up to a packed room and a car ride to your grandmother's home. He slipped into the shower with you without any advances, you wouldn't mind it all but he reads you, he washes you without lingering touches and only a few kisses. The two of you find a rhythm, drying off, getting into his shirt and some panties. The two of you exchange stories before bed, who knew he was such a softy like you. 

“I’m always nervous before meeting old people.” You admit. Its a stupid quirk of yours but man do the elderly intimidate you. You chose teaching because you knew that dealing with the elderly would be far from that area. “They can be so judgemental and old fashioned, its painful– every conversation.”

Javier strokes his hand against your arm, “You're rambling. It's time for bed baby.”

He was right, you had no need to bring that up, you just really didn't want the day to end. Why is that you were so afraid of the thing you yearned for your entire life?

The morning is quiet and gloomy, it rained the entire night so the sky was all gray clouds with peaking sun. The entire room was packed by the time you sat up to rub your eyes. Your stomach is so uneasy you could only take four bites of the waffles he called in for you, no syrup, just butter and powdered sugar how you like it. He’s quiet too as he folds your clothes. You check out at twelve and load his car again. He kisses your temple before opening the car door for you. You nod a silent thanks before you settle into the car seat. Head leaned against the window. Reaching into the dash board for the map, finger tracing until it stops at the road circled labeled, Andrea’s Grandma, you smile to yourself thinking about Javier at his desk circling and routing a way to her grandmother's home the night before their trip. 

With fear of rejection you fiddle with the bee earrings in your ears, grounding yourself with the reminder of Javier even when he's right next to you.

The home was fairly close, only an hour away from the hotel. Javi smokes two cigarettes with the low sound of the road below the tires and slow soul music filling the car. It was then when you realized Javier was nervous too. You think of what he told you at La Belle Forme, about his panic attack. It was rare for silence to exist between them not like this. You kiss his knuckles, a few kisses, you suppose you found solace in comforting him. 

When the car slowed down you weren't expecting to be approached with large estates with rolling grass and bald cypress trees casting down like curtains. When Lorena called you pictured an elderly woman in a small home, you never envisioned a large white home attached to other small homes. You looked down at the map. 4289 Coventy Court, “Its the small house, the big one is 4287.” You point, it all seemed to be on the same estate though, you'll still have to walk through this strangers beautiful front lawn in order to get to your grandmothers. Javi nods, shutting the car off. Your hands drop to play with the ripped ends of the map. 

His palm comes over to your lap and grabs at your fidgeting hands, his hands always cold and dry and large. “¿Estás segura de que estás lista?” He asks so softly, he did that often, reassuring you in spanish. You inhale deeply, looking at your connected hands and then to the house peeking behind the large trees. You nod. 

And there it is, right In front of you— a physical manifestation of the answers you’ve prayed to hear. Everything you've ever wanted to know. It could split you completely, could kill you, but it could free you. A small part of you hopes it splits your heart in two so that you're prepared for heartache in November at the hands of the DEA. Who knew Javier could hurt you more than your father? When did you give him that power, you suppose it’s when you realized it was love. 

The two of you climb out of the truck and make your way through the cobblestone path, “I’m not going to get shot out here right?” Javi whispers and you cant even itch out a giggle from the coil of nerves in your chest, he doesn’t joke anymore. He trails behind you while you lead the way, like you know where to go— you haven’t had a fucking clue. With every tap of your sneakers on the ground you felt panic rise higher in your throat. 

You could feel Javier behind you, keeping his steps slower than your own. Giving you space you weren’t sure you wanted. You appreciated it nonetheless. Like he was ready to run and get the car if anything hurts you. He’s 3 steps behind you once you close your eyes shut before knocking on the light blue door. Your eyes surveying the plants lining the white porch. “¡entra!” A distant voice calls from beyond the door and its the same voice from the phone. Something in you bursts, your eyes dart to Javier in fit of panic. Fuck it. You open the door to the home. 

The astounding amount of pastels blind you. An entire rolling carpet of white at your feet, Javier holds his arm out before you nervously put your outside shoes inside this museum piece of a home. You saw her too, out of the corner of your eye. Sat in a wheelchair with hair pressed straight down to her hips, with a book in her lap – the sound of birds chirping splitting your ears as you unlace your shoes with shaky hands. Javier seemed to have slipped his shoes in record time because his socked foot took a step inside before he bent down again to grab your shoes and tossed them outside. 

Standing up straight the woman in front of you widens her eyes at the sight of you, her smile splitting her face in two and you arent sure if anyone had ever looked at you with such melancholy before. She was a beautiful woman, well kept from what you can see it seemed like she had a lot of help. For once in your life you feel strong, chin up and nearly smiling. Lorena fully smiles and there it is–You can finally pin point where your bright grin comes from. "Ven aquí! Get over here before I try to walk to you!." She shouts with that same accent you remember over the phone and with that you're padding over to your grandmother. Embracing her for the first time. Receiving kisses to the side of your head, and caresses and you don’t feel sad anymore–or nervous. You sat in front of her and Javier stayed in his lane, quiet and observing. His hand on your while she explained how she found your number. 

“My greatest friend Griselda moved to Laredo about a year ago. I had been pushing the poor woman to look through the phonebook for your name– I didn't know if you had our last name or hers. Whatever I found it and tried calling but your mother– you already know.”

You sure did, the conversation was what you expected it to be. She attempts to understand what your life has been like this whole time. You tell her your mother owned a boutique and that your brother was on his last week of being a bachelor, she teared up at that. You almost forgot she was around when your brother was just two years old, she laughs when explaining his biting problem. Her eyes fall between the two of you a few times, you and Javier and your joined hands. The way his were in your lap and  how your nail grazed the strong tendons of your lovers hands. She kept the questions Andrea central.

Did you end up going to college?

Yes, University of Miami. I’m a middle school teacher.

She laughs and claps her hands together, she tells you taught for thirty six years. Your heart nearly bursts in your chest. 

So are you living at home?

For now, yes. I’m looking to move soon.

Do you like your brother's wife to be?

Oh–yeah. She’s been my close friend since I was in middle school. 

She nods, turning to her left to grab her cup of tea. There had been two cups left out. She let you in on how she kept the place so tidy, her home nurse Ms. Cristina, who worked for her every day. She points to her bird cage at the corner of the living room which shows the only non-tidy part of the house full of bird seeds on the floor, They also take of me. 

“And this–.” She smiled, waving her finger in between you two. “How did you two meet.”

“Oh!” You laugh, Javier cracks a smile. “We-”

“Uh-No. I want to hear his story. Ha estado sentado ahí en completo silencio, habla, hijo.” She cuts you off in the only way elderly people know how, gracefully and silly all at once. Your cheeks burn red. Absolutely intrigued to hear his explanation. His face softens for a moment before he breaks into a deep chuckle. Rubbing his eye in that same nervous tick that he always does. 

“Oh–We were just kids when we met.” He was instantly interrupted by a yelp from your grandmother. 

“¡Ay, por Dios! Qué romántico. So you two have been together since then?” Perhaps it was rude but immediately you and Javier look at each other and let out a cackle in unison. Leaning into his shoulder as you giggle while your grandma sits confused, wondering what was so funny about her question. “What-What’s so funny?” She says with a hint of humor in her own tone.

Javier shakes his head and replies, “It took us close to a decade to get here.” His eyes flash to yours, soft and gleaming. He looks at you like this often—always, but there’s a different look, something close to pride. Truthfully, he was overjoyed to talk about you to someone, especially to someone who by some crazy phone call and last minute trip—is your family. 

Lorena smiles, sipping her tea with a nod. Her eyes floating to something behind you, above your head. You don’t turn to see what has made her eyes misty and youthful for a moment. “Ah.. one of those. I’m familiar, promise you. What is it that you do Javier?”

He straightens up at the question like it shattered the small world he’s created with you. “I’m a DEA agent, I’m assigned in Colombia starting this November.” It was firm, devoid of laughter and pride. Like a soldier being questioned about deployment. Your grandmothers brows screw in sympathy the second he mentions being away, her eyes falling to your own. You tried to be strong but the reminder chips away at your spirit each time. Five months away. Your eyes drop to your knees. 

“Ah… I see.” Softly she points her chin high, a necklace falling out of her cashmere sweater with the movement. She nudges behind you, where her eyes fell previously, you and Javier turn slightly. The image of a man in black and white, eyes light and a stern look. Clad in military attire, and a nose so similar to your own. You into the eyes of your grandfather for the first time. How could you have forgotten? You haven't even asked about him, his name–anything. You notice then that the entire hour you have spent in your grandmother's home you hadn't once thought of your father. Something about the eyes in the photo seared you, What if my fathers dead? “Your grandfather was also named Lucas. He was my high school sweetheart but we broke up after he decided to leave me for the war. Listen, I respect our military but–not for him–absolutely not. He was always leaving, estúpido, estúpido. We split when he was apart, it wasn't very easy to be in contact like it is now. But… I didn't wait, I found someone else but mija… the second he stepped foot on american soil we were married and I was pregnant with your father 3 years later.”

Javier placed his hand on your lower back at some point during her story, thumb softly rubbing into your thin t-shirt. Your eyes threatened to betray you. You know why she chooses to tell you this story, you suppose this sort of thing runs in the family. Leaving and watching the ones who leave. “He died before me, that absolute idiot.” She sniffles and shakes her head. You turn back around, facing her–she had already wiped her tears away. And she does it just like you, palm first and hurried. Who knew the sight of your grandmother crying could fill you with such warmth, you suppose you were never emotional in the same way your mother was. You wondered where it came from, you guess you can say you've got it from your grandmother.

“Oh, I'm so sorry.” You choke on your own words and she waves her hand  in a its alright but it isn't motion. She grabs her teacup once more, her eyes stuck to yours until her brows shoot up in shock.

“Oh–your father. It's so like me to get wrapped up in myself, I’m sure you have a million questions. I can settle your nerves and tell you that he is very much alive.” She laughs, she really was a kookie old lady. “He also knows that you’re here.”

“What?” You and Javier blurt simultaneously, the two of you leaning in on your knees. For a split second your cheeks heat at the thought of Javier being this invested but that completely flies out the window while your grandmother nods with a smile. 

“This is his estate, you think a school teacher could afford all this? His home was the big one right next door. He’s nervous but he is expecting you. I thought I’d give him time to… speak for himself.” She nods and settles her cup down once more. “I’m not trying to kick you out but he’s probably bouncing his knee for the thousandth time over there”

“You’ve gone non-verbal Andrea.” The two of you kissed your grandmother goodbye with promises of a second visit in the next few months, Javier was micro analyzing your every move. How after the bomb was dropped you had frozen in fear and only muttered 4 more words. Her brows furrowed as the two of them approached the back door of her fathers home. Javier knew what this meant, what this all means. He sees what its doing inside of you, your body is rejecting the truth that, A. your father is alive and B. He seems to be doing quite well for himself. Your grandmother gave the two of you instructions like you were on a secret mission. 

Go through the back door

Javi, it's best you wait in the hall. 

He will most likely be sat in his office, first door on your right. 

You just nodded with a knot in your throat. Javier watches you lead the way in silence and it's killing him to know how much this is taking a toll on you already.

You have eaten in on yourself already, absent in the eyes.

 He remembered fathers day being a particularly rough day for you during your summers. How you would call Javier’s house but he’d have to explain that he was on his way out fishing with Chucho. He can't think too hard about all of that, he might crumble himself and he had to be strong, he had to be that for you. You step up and look over your shoulder, nearly tripping–Javier catches you at your elbow and you are trembling. 

“Sorry, I’m trying to catalog all the questions I have.” You chuckle and there isn't a bit of humor behind it, just nerves and all. “His house is way too nice. This door knob looks like pure gold.” You attempt a joke but Javier can't seem to laugh either. And like the brave girl you are, you don't hesitate this time, you twist the doorknob pushing the door open. Ahead of you was a grandiose hallway, white paneled walls with tiny intricate floral designs. 

The door to his office is already in your view, a long ottoman right outside the door like a waiting room. It felt nothing like a home, like a sterile office or a Homes and Gardens spread. Javier selfishly thinks of how their home will look one day, it will never feel this cold, not in the Louisiana heat. He’d settle down with you in Louisiana. He decided this weekend, he’d like to watch you bask in under the cajun sun with a belly. 

The two of you stand side by side in front of a door with no imperfections but a carving of the letter L on the wood. Your brows furrow, “Okay.” You exhale, turning to Javier knowing this is where you part, knowing that whatever goes on behind those doors could hurt you in a way he fears he can never fix. So maybe he’s just as scared, he nods silently and firm. Still putting his act up for your sense of security, he knows you can read right through it, he also knows you love that he does this for you. 

He can see it on your lips, see the 3 words, the words he knows you tried to spill out twice on this trip. He shakes his head and grabs your face in a chaste kiss. Your hands hold at his shoulders as you rise on your tiptoes to return it deeper. He doesn’t let you stall, he steps away. “I’ll be right here.” Javier juts his chin toward the ottoman, and he watches you disappear into the room. 

Sitting down with a strain in his lower back from the drive and his body's reaction to the thought of the ride they have to take once this is all over. Javier leans his head back, his eyes facing the ceiling. Touched with a heavy weight and the lingering thought of maybe one day having one of these moments with his own mother, if she’s out there. He busies himself with an attempt of remembering her face, drawing her in white lights behind his closed eyes that he was too damn scared to open, scared to be present. Scared of not being strong enough for you. Afraid of opening his eyes and seeing a blackhole ready to swallow him whole, engulfing himself in his own grief that he’s shoved down trying to be a man for you. 

He sees your face at first, angled cheeks he first sees you now, a longer face–lips full, a nose with a tiny slope and teeth always threatening to split your lips in a smile. He also sees what you looked like in 1980, rounder cheeks, the face of a shy girl. He remembers your cheeks always being pink. His chest constricts when he pictures that same young face full of tears at fault of his own fears. That's when he makes out his mothers face, eyebrows a light-light brown, so light they always seemed barely there. Her freckle below her eye, her eyes clad with glasses and quirk between her brow. Of disapproval for all things involving their life as a family.

Javier snaps his eyes open at the thought. Straightening up, attempting to now hear what was being said behind the door. His eyes adjust to the bright light of the hall, it really felt like a waiting room. Javier blinks away the floaters.

In front of him is a single picture hung on the wall.

It's an image of your father, he sees the resemblance immediately. But that isn't what catches his eye. Javier's heart drops nauseatingly fast at the sight of two young girls-twins, in the photograph. And in cursive in the far corner,

Best Dad Ever  

He’s up and hugging you before you could take in that this is really happening. The hug is tight, it's unfamiliar, it's strangling and you attempt to hug back to make it feel loving but it just isn't there yet. You want to pinch yourself, you've dreamt up this moment. You hugged your own aching body to sleep countless nights wishing for a hug from your father and now that it’s here, you can't even register the difference between him and a stranger.

He holds your face for a moment with his eyes misty, your chin quivers then. He was a splitting image of your grandfather. Eyes a hazel, his hair shaggy and long. Like he doesn't belong in a home this large, you close your eyes for a moment. Overstimulated with the situation, your father cradles your face for the first time since you were a premature newborn. He even calls you beautiful a few times and you’ve never felt stronger for not melting into a puddle of tears. Perhaps you were just too happy.

It was the happiest moment. 

You sit in front of him and he has a sheet in front of him. You couldn't be bothered talking about yourself again but you do anyway, he leaned in with every small fact. He beams with a laugh when you tell him that little Frankie was expecting a baby and wedding. He claims that these past years he wondered what you were doing with your life, once your eighteenth birthday approached he says he stayed up the entire night wondering what this next step would look like for you. 

“It seems like you've done well for yourself–I'm sorry Andrea, I’m sorry I wasn't there.” You were the only person in tears in the room but you couldn't be bothered to be embarrassed. The tears were only joyful, those sorts came rarely for you. You allowed them to flow without shame. 

It’s okay dad, it's okay. You whisper, “My mom–she says she left because you were–”

“An addict.” He cuts. “I was, I got clean the second she fled with you. I called my mom and she sent me to a rehabilitation facility in New York. It’s where I lived most of my life, where I built my business. Where I met my wife.” He smiles to himself and you smile too. What a privilege it is to be loved by someone else. “She isn't home today,  told her we would be meeting today and she decided to not overwhelm you so she’s out. I hope you don’t mind.”

You reach out for the box of tissues at his desk, dabbing your eyes. “It's okay–I'm sorry that my mom did that– leaving without notice, it-it kills me when I think of it.” You wipe again as more tears fall, god why was it so difficult to talk when crying. You think of the day after your birth often, you think of your father asleep in a hospital chair, you think of him waking up in an empty room. Your heart chips away slowly but then you look at his face again and he looks just as confused.

He straightened up and his jaw clenched. You were to oblivious to notice the change in his demeanor.

“Andrea– I knew she was going to leave– I- I encouraged her to… I was too sick. I wasn't ready then– I waited six years until I had kids.” 

You swear the feeling was akin to being cut by the sharpest blade, sliced slowly down your sternum and the weight of the world on your shoulders. There you are, in front of your father, bleeding out, being drained in front of him. Your head feels light as everything you thought you knew turns on its head. Your eyes fall to your knees, staring into the denim of your pants, trying to register if any of this is real.

What? You whisper. 

“Oh Andrea–Melissa–your mother. She sat in that hospital bed and cried, she begged me to get clean for you, but she didn't know how all of that worked. I had to do it for myself, and I did. I asked her to leave. I wasn’t ready, sweetheart.”

The name stung, you sat there, you were an open wound in front of your father as he explains that he made the choice to reject you. 

Your chin quivered in a new way, no longer happy. No longer tears between teeth, “I’m really confused.” 

“I forgave myself for that decision in rehab. I found god and I absolve myself from that guilt through years of healing, Adalina and Adare’s birth helped me free myself from that decision. I knew you were taken care of I had to–”

“I-I wasn't taken care of. I wasn't loved. I was ignored–I-I spent the holidays alone. I was raised by a nanny–When-when I fell off my bike I relied on my brother's best friend to take care of me. I needed you but I was never angry at you for not looking because I thought you were left completely in the dark.” Each word came with a sob so deep, you weren't sure your body could handle a heartbreak like this. His lips thinned and his brows creased in sympathy that didn't feel genuine. You had sisters, sisters with names awfully close to your own. "Did-did you know where I was?"

"I had you address for several years, yes." Cooly he says it. “Andrea–I'm really upset to hear that. I had assumed you were okay, you never looked for me.”

You shook your head with closed eyes, tears staining your neck. “I shouldn't have to–I’m the child…” You whined, regressing to a little girl, you couldn't help it. This was the worst pain you've felt. “I needed you– I needed a dad.”

“I understand, I understand the importance of a father in a young woman's life–I've got two of my own–But I cannot be sorry for the decision I made twenty two years ago.” How could he be so cold, so analytical. How is it that he talks about the situation like he’s just an observer? 

“Three, you have three daughters.” Your voice sobers, its anger this time. You were so upset that he couldn't see this the way you do. Your eyes burn into his and there isn't anything, there's nothing. You began to wonder how he could be the product of a woman like Lorena. “You had me on January 14th 1964, you watched my mom carry me for 7 months before she couldn’t– I’m your daughter too.” You spit without a shaking breath. 

His face tightens and he nods, “Technically speaking yes-”

“Oh give me a fucking break!” You cuss, jumping to your feet and he jumps in his seat. 

“Please do not cuss in my home.” 

You were red hot, fuming as your eyes finally took in the catholic iconography throughout the office. And the many, many pictures of your sisters. Wiping your tears with your palms, fast like you want to hide from him that he even made you cry in the first place. “You are a pathetic person. I feel so ridiculous having wasted so many years wanting you. I’ll see my way out.” You turn and he’s following you, repeating your name but no apologies. You swing the door open and Javier is there at his feet already, with a tense face. You see it, he heard it all and he’s angry. 

“Please Andrea, let's just pray together.”

You cackle and glance at your boyfriend. “Let's go Javi.” You storm past him, swinging the backdoor open. 

The second the rolling front yard and southern sun hits your skin you begin to sob. Chest wracking yet silent as you walk away from your fathers home. As you walk away from someone else's father. You chest hiccuping as you blurily lead yourself down the path, Javier's steps quickening behind you. Your cheeks hot and stung with tears, head pounding you knew you looked like a swollen hot mess. You hug your own shaking body all the way to the car. Climbing in the passenger's seat with more tears. 

You aren't sure if you could ever be okay.

Javier circles the car with his heart in his throat, hearing each word and feeling the cuts deep. He sits and thinks, she won't be able to handle this. He knows you, he knows you enough to love you. He knows you are strong, he also knows no child is strong enough to face rejection from a parent. So he stares at your father before you have walked out the home, he contemplates killing him there. He wants to hurt the man for making you ache so badly. Call him crazy or irrational, but he thought it for a split second. Thought of hurting him.

 Javier decides taking care of you was far more important than his anger. 

He walks behind you, 

It felt like a huge joke, like a fuck you. The beautiful scenery of the estate, the birds chirping and the world still spinning, and you're there, hugging your own body while you silently weep ahead of him. 

He doesn't start the car when he gets in. He stares ahead, sick to his stomach at the sound of your cries. His eyes glued to the steering wheel, his peripheral catches you shifting to lean your temple against the window. The car was hot, sitting out in this sun. Hot enough to burn you once your elbow touches a belt buckle but the heat felt trivial. Javier glances at the map, prepared to drive back into New Orleans and extend their weekend, take you away for more days. Allow you to be detached for some more time, this was far too much for you. 

“I want to go home Javi.” You whisper between tears, “It was…dumb of me to look for a family out here.” 

There it was again, your eagerness for a complete family. For someone to see you, understand your pain, he heard you beyond that door. He heard you talk about being left alone, celebrating holidays with only yourself. He heard you begging for sympathy from your own blood from your own family. He heard your voice so small when you begged him to see you as his own child, as his own family. 

Javier panics, he’s so overcome with emotion he isn't sure he has the words to comfort you. He can't get out what he's tried to tell you all weekend. You will always have a family with him, you no longer have to search. But it doesn't come out from his mouth.

Instead, he reaches his hand over to you and between his thumb and his pointer he rubs the earring he gifted you. The earring, the reminder. Without words he tells you, I’ve got you. He watched you the past two days rub the thing as a nervous tick, he sees your brows furrow and your chin quiver once more before you cave and lean your head against his hand. Your cries regulate and calm with each pass of his thumb against the delicate little bee in your ear. Javier watches you with blurred eyes and he remembers meeting you for the first time. He remembers putting bandages on your knees and peeling oranges for you and diving into lakes and biking, and blushing and kissing and leaving. And And And, 

“Andrea, I really, really love you.”

[queenlua]

ok this two-act history of "us politicians being schmaltzy/goofy about their dogs" had me in stitches

Nixon Agonistes referenced "Checkers speech" a couple times, right? so i have to go look it up, and:

The Checkers speech or Fund speech was an address made on September 23, 1952, by Senator Richard Nixon (R-CA), six weeks before the 1952 United States presidential election, in which he was the Republican nominee for Vice President. Nixon had been accused of improprieties relating to a fund established by his backers to reimburse him for his political expenses. His place was in doubt on the Republican ticket, so he flew to Los Angeles and delivered a half-hour television address in which he defended himself, attacked his opponents, and urged the audience to contact the Republican National Committee (RNC) to tell it whether he should remain on the ticket. During the speech, he stated that he intended to keep one gift, regardless of the outcome: a black-and-white Cocker Spaniel that his children had named Checkers, thus giving the address its popular name.

oh my god. "uwu why are u hating on me & my kids for loving our adorable dog." gotta love some emotionally manipulative campaigning lol

anyway, later on, wikipedia tells us: "The idea for the Checkers reference came from Franklin D. Roosevelt's Fala speech, given eight years to the day before Nixon's address, in which Roosevelt mocked Republican claims that he had sent a destroyer to fetch his dog, Fala, when Fala was supposedly left behind in the Aleutian Islands."

which inspired ANOTHER click and. here's the FDR quote

These Republican leaders have not been content with attacks on me, or my wife, or on my sons. No, not content with that, they now include my little dog, Fala. Well, of course, I don't resent attacks, and my family don't resent attacks, but Fala does resent them. You know, Fala is Scotch, and being a Scottie, as soon as he learned that the Republican fiction writers in Congress and out had concocted a story that I'd left him behind on an Aleutian island and had sent a destroyer back to find him – at a cost to the taxpayers of two or three, or eight or twenty million dollars – his Scotch soul was furious. He has not been the same dog since. I am accustomed to hearing malicious falsehoods about myself ... But I think I have a right to resent, to object, to libelous statements about my dog.

amazing. omg. "pivot to talking about dog" is apparently a tried-and-true maneuver in the political playbook lmao

bonus round: learned that Biden's dog is not the first presidential dog to go around biting people:

Major is not the first presidential dog to have biting incidents. In separate incidents, Franklin D. Roosevelt's dog Major (who was also a German Shepherd) bit United States SenatorHattie Wyatt Caraway, and attacked Prime Minister of the United KingdomRamsay MacDonald, tearing MacDonald's pants off.[19][20][21]Theodore Roosevelt's bull terrierPete bit numerous people, even tearing the pants off of ambassador of France to the United StatesJean Jules Jusserand.

[rainywritesx]

Headcanons: Chan with an autistic S/O

Headcanons of bang chan with an autistic s/o because I’m in a delulu mood <3 I also want to preface this by saying that autism presents itself differently in people across the spectrum, so I apologize if you cannot completely relate to this! Regardless, I hope you will enjoy it ^^ (I might make a part 2 bc there’s so much else I could mention lol)

Warnings; none, reader is gender neutral!

— I feel like Chan would be such a sweetheart with this topic

— As much as he comes across as the type to want to be educated on these kinds of things (i.e marginalized groups i guess?), I can imagine he still has a picture in his head of autism that isn’t completely accurate, especially if you’re afab (assigned female at birth)

— Not his fault, moreso a result of a bias against autistic women lol

— Anyway

— he’s more than willing to learn

— I personally am really sensitive to food textures, and as a result my diet can be a bit limited

— I can just imagine Chan trying to learn as much as he can about your safe foods as well as foods that you can handle in general

— Whenever you two go out to eat somewhere he makes sure the restaurant has something you can eat on the menu!

— Will definitely not judge you if you end up opting for the classic; chicken nuggets

— Will also be very attentive to you especially when you’re in public

— If you’re like me and good at masking your traits, I feel like he can still tell when you’re feeling a bit tired or maybe even overstimulated

— He will immediately try to find a way to get you to feel better, whether that be going to a seperate room with you, leaving you alone for a bit, giving you his headphones, whatever solution is available to him in that moment will be used

— And gosh, when you talk about your special interests

— Mans is whipped

— Will buy anything related to it just to see your face light up whenever he surprises you

—He also admires your strong sense of justice and how you stick to your principles

— AlsO

— If he finds out you actually find eye contact unbearable yet still do it since you are masking

— I can totally see him avoiding your gaze instead since he knows it makes you feel better

— AHHHHH

— Or maybe he will remind you it’s okay not to make eye contact, but he won’t get upset if you still do it either ofc

— Also, if you’re like me and struggle with your routines being messed up

— Baby will try so hard to make sure nothing unexpected comes up, or if it does, he won’t force you to join him

— I can imagine chan may have to work unexpectedly at times

— Especially when a comeback is coming up

— During these periods it can be harder for him to keep his promises with things like dates

— He will try to be as clear as possible in this

— But also, life still happens as annoying at it may be

— But this cutie will make it up to you in any way you want

— Another thing, he really admires your directness and way of communicating

— Not to toot my own horn here, but i prefer being direct way more over giving hints and having the other person guess what you are trying to say

— I can see chan as someone who values good communicator in in general, and this trait of yours definitely helps a lot in that

— Even if the way you word it may come across as a bit too blunt, Chan is aware that there is no malicious intent when it happens

— Overall he just loves you so much, and I don’t think he views you being autistic as particularly good or bad, it’s just a neutral descriptor if that makes sense

[shuichisweave]

Your Bimbo reader x Edward was just- *chef's kiss* They're so cute I love that dynamic!

i'm so delighted to see that people liked my fic so much anyways haha after i got corona i had a huge writers block anyways lol heres part two

crosswords part two

Edward Nashton x Bimbo Reader

It had been a day since Edward had seen you last. He didn’t have the heart to text you. The fact that you had been so unbearably sweet to him, and handed him your number without him even having to ask for it. He was undeniably whipped for a girl he didn’t even know. He couldn’t stand the anxious feeling he got deep inside of himself when he became nearly brave enough to make the first move. Unable to withstand it for longer he began to chastise himself for his cowardice.

“Fuck, get a hold of yourself Edward!” He spoke to himself, “You’re making yourself look like more of an ass by not texting her. Get to it already!” He swiped his phone off of his dresser and searched through his coat pocket for his crossword puzzle page that you scrawled your number onto. It was only now that he had noticed the small glittery heart you had drawn next to your number, and he began to feel soft at the sight of it. It was a weird thought, but he thought your handwriting was just like you, cute. ‘No-’ He thought, ‘It doesn’t mean anything, the girl dots her letter ‘I’s with hearts when he writes… It’s insignificant.’ Regardless of that he typed in your number into his phone and sent off a message to you, it read as

-‘Hey this is the guy from the diner the other night.’

Finally typing this down he realized the completely embarrassing fact that he hadn’t even given you his name the night previous, nor had he learnt your name. Rookie mistake when meeting hot girls in tiny dresses. God, the more he thought about that dress…He hated to say it but the night he met you he was practically undressing you with his eyes, imagining you in nothing but the baby blue chunky pumps you had been wearing. He was laser focused on the small of your back, and how badly he wanted to wrap his arms around it and pull you onto his lap. His mind swirled with lewd fantasies of you. He could feel his cock twitch in his pants before he heard his notification sound go off. You had responded!

He dashed to his messages and found that you had responded with,

-‘omg! hi!! you were super cool to talk to the other night! do you want to talk on the phone together?’

Fuck fuck what had he gotten himself into? He was utter shit at talking on the phone to people let alone a grown woman he was interested in. What was he meant to do in a situation like this? This was foreign territory that he had never ventured into before, and god, now was as good a time as any to start making headway. “Man it the fuck up Nashton- get on with it!” He berated himself for his lack of courage softly under his breath. The illuminated keyboard shone back at him brightly, mocking him for not being strong enough to simply talk to a girl on the phone. He made his move and replied,

-’Sure thing, now is just fine.’

He did not know whether or not to call you first- but before he could even make that decision, he was startled by the deafening sound of his ring-tone and the drop down notification showing an incoming call from your phone number; speaking of, he should really set up your contact in his phone when he gets off the phone with you. He fumbled with his phone before clicking ‘accept’ and pushing the phone up to his ear before being met with your cheery greeting tone.

“Hey hi! It’s great to finally talk to you again- um. Wait no i've got it… give me a second. Oh gosh I’m so embarrassed… What was your name again?” You said remorsefully, clearly humbled at the fact that you believed you had lost his name. 

“No-no it’s alright, when I uh, met you the other night we never got around to exchanging names, I’m Edward by the way,” He said, slightly comforted by the fact you were almost equally as awkward as him. Key word being almost, he had the same amount of grace as a brick being thrown through a window. You chuckled lightly over the other end of the phone and replied with your name back to him. He grinned at hearing this, a soft swelling warmness in his heart began to appear. You began to speak again to him, “So um, Mister Edward… I was wondering if I could possibly see you again sometime soon? Maybe you could come over to my place, and we could … I dunno, watch a movie? Your choice of course! I’m down for anything.”

Was this a message? From God? To see that he was truly out there? Because fuck, he felt like he was in heaven currently. Before he could leave you hanging he hastily replied, “YES! I mean yes. Of course. I’m free this Wednesday if that works out for you?” He was white-knuckling the knees of his trousers so hard he was afraid he was going to burst a blood vessel in his eye. He waited with baited breath for your impending response. Finally, (thank fuck) You replied back, “Totally! You like popcorn? I’ve got a couple bags and I've been waiting for a good excuse to use them. I’ll text you my address and we’ll link up then okay? But promise me you’re not like, a totally creepy murderer got it?” He let go of the breath he had been holding in unknowingly, and answered the pressing questions you had. 

“God-I no! Of course not. But yeah that sounds good to me. I’ll be there. I guess I um…Promise not to be a psycho killer?” You squealed in excitement into the receiver on your end of the phone, “O.M.G. I’m so excited to see you again Eddie! It’ll be just me and you! It’s a date! See you then!” You half screamed before the call ended with a beep. 

It’s a date. It’s a date.   It’s a date! He could feel his face warm and his heart soaring out of his chest.

[lee-aveyourmark]

besties with nomin!

∘.∙°. masterlist Pairing: Lee Jeno x reader x Na Jaemin, nomin x bestie!reader Genre: sickening fluff, a whole lotta crack Warnings: mentions of food Wordcount: 767

A/N: I'm back bitches

- nomin are like a bonded pair of pets - you befriend one of them and just couldn't avoid befriending the other

- you're definitely the middle ground in this relationship, bc these two boys can be quite the opposite of one another

- being very open and accepting of jaemin's physical affection while understanding jeno's feelings and concerns through his gazes and jumbles of words is a massive feat but they absolute treasure you for it

- it means that jaemin can randomly give you hugs to feel comfort at the physical contact and not really say anything at times, allowing his nonverbal cues to communicate his intentions as his embrace is ever so gentle and his eyes ever so soft

- it also means that jeno can freely express his emotions and frustrations without judgement, gaining release from negative internal thoughts, and gets excited at the thought of catching up with you to ramble on about how his day went, regardless if it was enjoyable or utterly crap

- haechan has shared about how jeno literally hates anything cute and being associated with cuteness, but i know full well that you and jaemin still coo and baby the living daylights out of him not because you're trying to annoy him, but because you two believe with your whole hearts that he is a d o r a b l e and deserves to be showered with affection and praise

- the amount of pure satisfaction gained from seeing jeno blush

- nomin has money and they know it, so they like to buy you gifts from time to time (it's also a way of them showing their appreciation for you putting up with them lol)

- perfumes are a go-to, with jaemin carefully selecting a new fragrance each time while jeno opposes many of his selections and chooses one that he sniffed once

- rip jaemin when you're given the two fragrances and then end up wearing jeno's selection more often

- playdates are random late-night baking sessions together with jaemin making sure that you and jeno don't burn the kitchen down, becoming distracted himself as he accidentally adds 3/4 tablespoon of salt instead 3/4 teaspoon

- "did someone cry into the brownie mix? why is it so salty?" jeno frowns, reaching for a glass of water to cleanse his overwhelmed palette

- "it was me, i cried when fishing out all the broken eggshells from the batter" jaemin deadpans

- also, imagine just happily enjoying a day off together, walking in a park while your arms are linked with theirs, feeding each other bites of street food and taking the cutest pictures together

- after the first time one of you gained the courage to link arms with the other two, it becomes a little quirk of your relationship

- whether it be strolling around late at night or trying to encourage each other to hurry up in getting to a certain place, linking arms makes it just that lil bit better huehue :)

- until, you guys run into a doorframe and suddenly you're all turning 90 degrees like a blade on a fan to fit through sideways, not even bothering to think of unlinking arms

- your group chat is used mainly for memes and confirming deets on your next get-together

- oh, it also consists of jaemin writing in paragraphs about the most random things and jeno responding with 'k' while you try to respond as empathetically as possible to prevent jaemin from moving out of the dorm lmao

- aND, sometimes with jaemin ignoring jeno's questions followed by jeno sending some words that seem very vulgar but surprisingly none of which are profanities, all ending with the (.◜◡◝ ) emoji

- i'd imagine you guys would facetime on a regular basis, but the timing is always really odd and, more often than not, at least one of you are in a less than publicly decent situation

- most calls aren't even proper conversations - it's just you guys showing each other something cool and then quickly cutting off, or jaemin calling you to tell jeno to turn the lights off

- "jaemin, i swear, it's 4am" "exactly, that's why i need you to tell jeno to turn the lights off so i can sleep" "newSFLASH, I DON'T LIVE WITH Y'ALL"

- but yet, you call the gamer boy anyway

- and alas, gamer boy jeno didn't pick up as he was, as expected, gaming, leaving you to give up and ignore jaemin's calls

- sigh what a lovely friendship <3

[deepersea]

I think meru should get someone pregnant.

aside from the whole breeding kink thing I just think it’s interesting how he used to be no contact with his family but threw almost everything aside for his dear brother, makes me wonder how much he’d change for a kid and if he’d dote on them just as much. especially if it’s unexpected since I’m sure having a baby would never be in his plans but well, things never go the way he thinks does it -rei

(Someone? Did you mean me? Who said that?)

It’s definitely an interesting thought and to no one’s surprise something I have pondered excessively in the past lol I think there’s two ways this could go: For one, the only somewhat plausible situation I could imagine for a child not being unplanned were quite a few years down the line, once he eventually retires from idol work (it’s a tough job, so I’d assume that would happen within a reasonable age to still have a kid). I don’t think that he’d bring the topic up himself, but if his partner wanted to, I could see him agreeing under those circumstances.

The other (more chaotic) option would be if this happened accidentally. As diligent as he is when it comes to contraception and not doing anything risky, well, sometimes life just happens and when you stick your dick in someone (and come in them), it is something that could very well happen even if precautions make it unlikely. In a scenario where he’s not especially close to the other parent of this child (assuming it happened early on in their relationship or they didn’t officially had one in the first place), I think he definitely at some point has the urge to simply dip (new name, new face, the whole shebang), but (fortunately) his other commitments (that being to his work and Kaname) win out and he doesn’t. It’ll be less of a thing with someone he’s actually close to, but that being said, I think he’d have an existential crisis either way and regardless of whether this was a calculated step in the relationship or not.

Obviously more so in the case of an unplanned pregnancy, but considering his upbringing I picture him as the type of person to mainly not consider having kids because of his own experiences. Like, not only is his dad a bit of a trainwreck, but also after years of not really settling down himself and pretending to be anyone but himself, it’s not a farfetched thought to have that the lingering instability of all that combined doesn’t really make for the best environment for a child / the best conditions to raise one. And like you said, considering how much he cares for Kaname – that being the one family member he kept around by choice – I think he’d be equally concerned for any he’d be involved in conceiving (planned or unplanned). So, when that suddenly is a very real scenario he has to deal with, he freaks out (a little or a lot).

That being said, once he gets over his anxiety of being terrible at it (because realistically he has no clue what he’s supposed to do. Random HC that he buys every pregnancy and parenting book he can get his hands on to cope lol), I think he’d actually be quite good at being a father? Like, he’s definitely responsible and invested enough, and once he gets a little bit of practice in, the awkwardness from never really interacting with kids also dwindles quickly. You can bet that kid would be doted on lol Maybe not spoilt exactly, but very well cared for. Might to some degree be him compensating for failing to do anything of the sort for his brother. Also, imagine that child looking anything like Kaname. It’s instant game over for him. He can’t say no to that face. I can see him initially being concerned that he simply wouldn’t “care enough” about his kid, especially if he didn’t have the time beforehand to contemplate whether it’s something he wants (eventually). I think he’s too inclined to consider himself far more detached from things than he actually is, so I doubt that worry lingers for longer than when he actually meets them though. So yeah, I think while it starts out with a lot of panic, he’s more than adaptable enough to grow into being a decent parent.

I could go on and on about this lol (There’s a whole ass sequel to my Meru series living rent free in my head with this theme precisely lmao) But I will leave it there for now. Thanks for the thoughts, Rei.

[nostalgic90s]

I was just going to leave part of this in a comment on Infected Unicorn but I changed my mind

Your take on Jeremiah's warped perception of time is really making me think lol. I love it though, don't get me wrong. I'm really interesting to see how this pans out.

But, applying this idea to the actual show: I hadn't considered him fully believing even parts of his own lie (the story about Jerome taking a cake knife to his throat on his 10th birthday and trying to light his bed on fire) because from what I was seeing it appeared that he was full aware of what actually happened, and more importantly for this, when it happened.

But if he truly believed he was still at home by the time he was 10, despite having being taken away when he was 7, I have to rethink a few things.

He would be suffering from a dissociative disorder, specifically a type of derealization, likely as a response to trauma. It could also be a potential coping mechanism to keep himself from realizing how long it's really been since he lost Jerome.

The fact he kept contact with Lila meant he didn't feel as removed from her, he still had that link to his mother until he left the Wildes (it's unclear whether this would have been at 12 when he started college or at 16 when his bunker was completed) but presumably those letters were dated in some manner, even if just indirectly through whatever schedule they were sent on. You could easily use them to figure out how long Jeremiah had been with the Wildes, and the birthdays and holiday wishes would keep track of the years. Regardless, there was a record of how long they'd been apart.

But he had no contact with Jerome, and he knew the kinds of horrible things their mother would do to him, and he had been the only one there for his brother, and, and, and.

To keep himself from spiraling down that train of thought, he would have began lying to himself about how long they had been apart, and it's fully possible that he started believing his own lie. In fact, as a kid, it is so much easier to ignore a painful reality and just believe in a lie. Even of your own creation.

And that would play into his antisocial behaviours. Anyone could tell him he was wrong, anyone could make him see the truth, because in the early stages of a delusion like this it's fragile and your mind does everything in its power to protect it. So he shut out everyone.

Until Ecco came into his life. Someone was picking on Jeremiah, and he didn't fight back. He couldn't, he didn't know how, Jerome had always either stood up for him or was enough discouragement to the other kids in the circus. He didn't have Jerome at St. Ignatius though. He was alone. Until someone did stand up for him, a girl he'd maybe seen in a few classes, Ecco. She offered him some kind words and protection from the bullies, and although he tried to push her away at first she was persistent. Who else in his life had been persistent? Jerome. He saw the same first spirit in this girl as he'd seen in his own twin. Slowly, he let her in more and more, and the more time he spent with this girl the more he saw his brother.

And I'm sorry this is irrelevant and off topic and I'm just rambling. But uh... yeah, I'm basically doing Harley's job myself atm and I wish I could talk to her even more now because I have so much I could tell her, and she can probably get some information that I couldn't from two measly episodes and Jerome's pining rambling about his twin, and yeah. Basically everything in Jeremiah's life revolves around Jerome. Ecco, Bruce, even the mazes and labyrinths, it ALL comes back to Jerome and their separation, and you've just added another layer for me

Don't say sorry, this is great! Thank you for feeding me Valeskacest content. I will devour it unapologetically. 🥰

You're blowing my mind right now when you compared Harley to Jerome, at least from Jeremiah's perspective. That's such an interesting twist! And one I hadn't considered. I can see why it'd be easier for Jeremiah to trust a doctor who, in some ways, reminds him of Jerome. He would still have to give up his authenticity in order to develop that attachment to Harley though.

You're right about the letters, and I wonder if Jeremiah would keep them? But in doing so it's just another record of time, and I don't think he'd like the reminders. Maybe he has Ecco dispose of them, or take them to another location (security box at the bank maybe?). OH! Jeremiah never said if he wrote back to his mother. He received letters but he never explicitly stated he wrote back to her. What if the letters were going to the Wilde family? Or another source? Like if he used a PO box address. Because this guy wants to be unknown, undetectable, untraceable.

The way you wrapped that up at the end *Chef's kiss* Jeremiah's life revolves around Jerome, and he can't escape it, no matter how many lies he tells himself (and others).

[the-final-sif]

Hello! I recently came across your blog and love your take on things, mainly because they’re very level headed and thought out!

I was wondering, based on what we know, what do you think is going to happen with all of this? And if this has already been answered, you can just ignore this lol :)

Thank you! Trying my best to get a handle on things and help others do the same.

As for what I think is going to happen, there was an interesting discussion I had with @godzibane that I think covers a lot of what we could reasonably expect.

To summarize that post though, I think that the odds of Dream facing criminal charges are next to zero. Regardless of whether he's done anything Amanda said he did or not. Everything I've read says that Snapchat won't be able to retrieve any actual image/video files from Jan/feb at this point, and without those a charge/case is going to be next to impossible. So even if she was telling the truth, it would really only her word against Dream's, and that's not enough for a court case. Particularly not when her own credibility as a witness could be demolished by her behavior on twitter.

Now, if the allegations are false, Dream has one of the most straightforward defamation cases that I have ever seen. Like, to the point of comical. If she can't prove her case, she's defamed him. The more evidence Dream can provide that she's lying (snapchat metadata may serve him well here, depending on if they talked on there/what they discussed, he may be able to factually disprove her claims), the stronger his case gets. If Bee is telling the truth and is willing to help/testify under oath, then I'm really not sure how a good set of lawyers could fuck this case up. Like, this would be straight up two per se charges. He wouldn't even need to prove damages AFAIK.

Slander per se is defined as words that are slanderous in themselves without proof of actual damages. For example, if an utterance charges (a) the commission of a crime, (b) imputes some offensive or loathsome disease that would tend to deprive a person of society, (c) matters incompatible with business, trade, profession, or office, or (d) charges serious sexual misconduct. Restatement (Second) of Torts, Section 570 (1976).

Now, I think a lawsuit may end up getting filed here. Amanda did uh, well she doxxed herself. Which is. A really bad idea for all sorts of reasons. There's also at least one person that likely went to school with her (Bee) who would almost certainly be willing to disclose information about what school Amanda went to to lawyers to make contacting/serving her very easy.

If the allegations are false, a lawsuit also would be a way for Dream to add provable records to the public record where they become worth way more than "just trust me this is unaltered" so it'd be a good move both legally speaking and for PR.

I'm not convinced a case like this would go to trial. I mean, I do not know what sort of resources Amanda has. But lawyers are very expensive, and if Dream files in Florida instead of NJ which to my understanding would be possible, Amanda may then have to travel to Florida or hire a lawyer within Florida to defend her. If her claims are false, the sudden expenses may suddenly make holding onto those claims no longer worth it. In which case she would probably attempt to apologize/settle.

Now, to my understanding, while she could retract/apologize, Dream could still sue her if her claims are false. But I'm doubtful Dream would be interested in pursuing the case much further than getting an apology and some sort of settlement to send a message.

So, I think we will hopefully end up seeing some stuff from lawyers, although I'm hoping at least one of the involved parties mentions when things become a matter of public record, since it can be such a pain to track down court records w/o a docket number.

(also as a note I am not a lawyer, nor trained in anything to do with law, this is all from my personal understanding and could be incorrect in many different ways!)

[tulipsforvin]

thanks so much for your advice vinnie! i really appreciate the time you took to type all of that out. i would tell my actual friends about it, but they would be disappointed in my developing crush for this boy because a couple of months ago, my friends thought he was into me again (he's isn't the most attractive, visually, and he's a major nerd!! {which I am as well, but more so for humanities and he is a need for like maths}) so I kind of got distant with him and he started talking with one of his friends (though it never worked out)

SORRY! the plot just thickens. i feel so stupid now because knowing the outcome of these recent months i should have just allowed myself to get close with him, because now I like him again (so silly of me)

yeah, im trying to ignore that original boy. hes quite manipulative, and I know he's chatted shit about me to him, but this guy still treats me really nicely regardless of that, and he's very much his own person from that guy (thankfully).

hopefully I'll see how this goes as I have a month of school left and a lot can develop in that time. ill properly weigh out my options and see the best move. worse comes to worse, in the summer ill try and find his social media and try and contact him through there! its a relationship i definitely don't want to lose, whether it is platonic or romantic.

(once again thank you so much for the advice, you are genuinely such a lovely person, i would be so grateful to have you around if i was one of your your irl buddies, they're lucky to have you ❤)

good luck anon !! that seems tough — not being able to tell your friends, i personally have a really bad habit of not being able to keep things to myself 😭 so that's pretty courageous to me in itself. i hope the situation you're in works out for you smoothly and there's no issue in your path (like that manipulative loser of a guy 👎👎) keep me updated, i'd to lend you an ear if you're going through a rough time again and you're unable to talk about it to anybody :)

also thank you for the kind words, i'm happy to be perceived that way lol <3 i hope the relationship with the nice guy — whether platonic or romantic — blooms in the most wonderful of ways. good luck ❕

[linathelemon]

dating Glamrock Freddy and Sun

i've had a fnaf brainrot since i was 8 or 9 lol, apparently my brain finds robots hot??? also im lowkey so confused whether sun or sundrop is canon??? is both canon??? pls help this keeps me up at night tbh

characters: (seperate) Glamrock Freddy, Glamrock Chica

summary: ur dating them

Glamrock Freddy

Before dating:

before you started dating and were lowkey crushing on each other, Freddy was convinced you wouldn't be interested in a robot like himself!

Freddy was also somewhat convinced that you had a partner waiting for you, and despite it not being true at all. he didn't want to ruin that for you

until you confessed that you liked him!

Freddy is so confused??? what would be attractive about metal to a human,

his heart melted when you explained that looks don't matter at all. and it's his personality you like the best!!

he's so happy that you chose him <3

Confessing:

Honestly Freddy didn't know how to respond when you out of the blue admitted to having feelings for him as well.

he secretly scanned your heart rate and brain activity and deduced that you were being truthful, you really did have a crush on him.

Freddy is a tad bit confused over why, but if it's mutual, Freddy will gladly engage in a relationship with you!

dating:

Now, he's cuddly very, very cuddly but also cautious. He doesn't want to hurt you accidentally.

but some of that cautious instinct does stop after a while of dating.

Freddy calls you a nickname like a superstar, angel, baby

he does keep an eye on you since the other animatronics go kinda bonkers after closing hours

he does his best to keep you safe <3

Freddy would honestly malfunction if he witnessed you do anything of parental nature with Gregory <3

he honestly acts like a kicked puppy when your shift is over :(

although if you happen to have a day shift as well, Freddy will be so happy to see you.

regardless of your circumstances he loves you so much <3

Sun

before dating:

honestly the first few months of crushing on you, Sun didn't acknowledge that he had a crush.

honestly Sun had never felt this way for a human before, anyone really.

Sun thought he really admired you as a person until Moon pointed out one time when the lights were flickering that this wasn't platonic admiration.

Sun doesn't treat you any differently, other than giving you a few extra compliments.

"isn't y/n so thoughtful?"

"You look lovely, heheheh"

"You're so smart."

Confessing:

Sun confesses somewhat bluntly, after hours when all the kids had left, he sprinted over to you, literally yelling,

"I LIKE YOU!"

you were too stunned to speak

how could you possibly react to this??? they exhausted you from dealing with hyperactive children

and Sun starts yelling something like that??? your brain couldn't process it

Sun got worried and shook your shoulders in your state of shock.

you didn't know what else to say than that you liked him too

Sun was overjoyed, a tad bit too much for how tired you were mentally.

Dating:

Sun is so happy dating you! although he did have a non-serious conversation about boundaries!

Sun is adaptive, he'll go all out on days you feel energized but the days they place you to play with the kids all day and a night shift usually has you exhausted.

on those days, all Sun does is read you a story, and let's your drift off to sleep!

Sun is also extremely affectionate and loves physical contact!

he's programmed not to do affection during the daytime hours, but after hours he's all up on you!

nicknames like Sunshine, Darling, and Love <3

regardless of what you do he's happy he has you <3