#regardless though i had to post this because damn

[stardust-vi]

Dumb ramble but I hate that you can't critique The Thing you love within a fandom space without some dude breathing down your neck like "Well actually that means you hate The Author and The Thing! And what about all the times The Author did this Good Thing? Checkmate, liberal." as if you can't be critical of something because you love it and want it to be better.

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Just finished Reservoir Dogs, and I—

what— what… was that? [sigh] a chain of very intelligent decisions not influenced by emotion [c o U gh] deep, deep love at all oh god

I don’t even like crime moves and keep watching crime movies for the whump thinking the next one will be different— none of them ever are. They’re very well-done but awful at the same time, you know? I like grimdark but not this specific brand of realistic fiction grimdark. It’s not even cathartic (to me). No, it’s seven gigantic shots of depresso espresso injected into the bone marrow and idk how to feel about it, but one thing is for certain:

I am living for the White-Orange bromance… it was nice while it lasted djdjdjdnjdkdkdjdmsmmsls

[gutterfuuck]

Can I request a mark drabble w/ breeding kink 👉👈 I'd love either bff mark or sinister mark but if you go the sinister route can I be a bit of a coward and ask that he be a little. Softer. Maybe specifically for the reader bc I am a little pansy and I get unrealistically offended when I'm condescended or treated like property, and while it would be hot if this man talked down to me I would also be inclined to punch him in the baby maker and then we'd all suffer bc no smut would ensue 😭

Sorry, I just dumped a bit of unwarranted baggage on u there but you come off as really sweet in all your posts so I hope it didn't bother you too much! Thank you for all of your posts btw your writing is delicious! Also your English is very good, you have a great grasp of the language and I respect and appreciate all the effort you must put into making all of your writing so articulate. English especially is said to be very hard to learn so I immensely respect the effort that goes into it, regardless of any/how much help you require/accept to do so. Manifesting a mild inconvenience to that anon a while back who accused you of faking for some reason I hope they step on a wet kitchen tile while wearing socks or something and rethink how they choose to speak to people online. 😊♡

hello anon!! thank you so much for your considerations, maybe it is because i am emotional since i get very choked up when it is birthday season but this had made me cry happy tears 😭😭 also, i agree!! if anyone was to talk to me like i am disposable in real life, i think that i would break down and disintegrate haha!! it is not cowardly to ask for things, do not be swayed!! baggage is never unwanted here, i am the baggage 😂!! i will do the upmost of my best ability, as i have been waiting to write for s!mark again 🤭🤭 also, i do agree people should be more mindful about what they say to others! you never know what anyone is going through, just because you can hide behind a screen mask doesn’t mean you should or can be mean to people!! i do not judge those who do though, they will learn as months and years pass, people do learn and change!!

cw: mdni, smut, breeding kink, just a little drable to warm up my fingers hehe!! minor injury, reader patches him up

you could hear your husband come crashing through the juliet balcony of your bedroom, bumping into the bed and waking you up fully. you bolted up, scanning the darkness of the room and staring at the silhouette of your lover, crouched over in the shadows. “mark?” you peep, eyes still adjusting as you clicked on the bedside lamp, your eyes instantly closing when the brightness took you by surprise.

he looks back at you, pulling his mask with its flimsy broken black goggles off of his face and discarding it to the floor with a heavy sigh. mark always found it so cute how you’d gasp with your hands flying to cover your mouth when he returned with an injury, your worried eyes looking him over as you jump out from under the covers, hands flying up to cover his cheeks and observe his cut nose bridge, one of his eyes squinted due to the budding bruise on his upper cheekbone, “gonna nurse me back to health, baby?” he asks, smiling down at you and placing a kiss to your forehead. he listens to you lecture him about being careful when visiting other planets, rolling his eyes like he’d really just die like that. you knew he was tough, but it didn’t hurt to be concerned.

he sits on the side of the bathtub in the bathroom, tilting his face to the side so you could rub his injuries down with antiseptic solution, mumbling something about how he was still half human so he still had to be a little careful. he didn’t know how many times he’d had to tell you that even though he was still half human everything else was 100% brutal alien. each time he told you, you ignored it. maybe you liked patching him up, placing cute bandages on his face to stop his bleeding. he was hardly injured but he’d be damned if he didn’t let his cute little wife dote on him like this, the sleeves of your fluffy gown he’d bought home for you rolled up your arms as you fiddle with the first aid kit.

“y’know what’d me me feel better?” mark says, taking your hands into his. god, he could just crush you right now, you were so adorable. you hum in response, intertwining your fingers with his as he brings them to his lips, trailing kisses up your arm and pulling you closer, inching towards you slowly. your mouth hangs open with a breathless silent mewl as his lips stop just by your jawline, finding it hard to hold himself back from nipping your skin and marking you up. you nod at his earlier question which draws a chuckle from him, hands moving down to grip your hips and pull you onto his lap, “let’s go to bed, then.”

you’ve got your face in the crook of his neck, holding onto his back as he pistoned his hips in and out of your tight heat, never being shameful of your moans. music to his ears, he thought, letting you cry out so desperately into the night. if you had neighbours you’re sure they’d complain. he groaned when he felt you clench around him, muscled thighs stuttering for a moment as you suffocated his cock within your walls. “oh, babygirl-“ he tilts his head back, holding you firmly as your legs wrap around his waist, practically bouncing you up and down on his dick himself, “m-mark..-!” you squeal, voice raspy and throat dry when you feel him buck up into your g-spot, weeping head poking at it repeatedly, trying to pull your orgasm out of you. you whine loudly, holding onto him like you’d fall apart if you let go.

“shhh, s’okay, hold onto me like that, there we go.” mark comforts you, such a strange comparison from when he’s out causing mayhem to now. if those who opposed him were to see him right now, they’d think he’d be a different person. he was so soft with you, treated you like you were made of porcelain and you loved it. you were glad that you’d somehow tamed him in a way, molded him into your perfect husband as he made you into his perfect wife. domestic bliss.

you stifle your noises with his shoulder, softly biting on it as he snapped his hips up into yours vigorously, his own orgasm approaching hard and fast. you could feel the way his cock throbbed inside of you, the way he slowed his hips a little before trying to keep up his pace. “so tight, always so perfect n’ tight f’me, aren’t you?” you nod brainlessly into his shoulder and he coos at you, eyebrows furrowed together as he gasps lightly.

“i’m gonna cum, princess.” he says breathlessly, humping against you for his own orgasm, “inside…” you whisper to him and he almost loses it right there, almost falls over when he thinks about the implications it might have. “inside? yeah-fuck, gonna let me cum inside, just for me?” mark pants, pussydrunk figure caging you in under him as he chases his orgasm, “gimme a kid… f-fuck, gimme a baby, wanna make you a mama… g’na look so perfect— fuh-uck..!” he babbles, vision blanking as he cums inside of you, wave after wave of his warm seed spilling into your cunt, seeping into your womb. he canted his hips a few more times, almost fucking himself into overstimulation as he continued talking, “..gonna give me a mini me, huh? complete our little family?” he asks as you nod in agreement, too fucked out to even process what he’d said to you just now.

[yandere-kokeshi]

heyyyy, i saw your werewolf TF 141 posts, and i have some ideas brewing >:) just imagine trying to go to the bathroom in peace or worse trying to leave for work or something else, and if you do escape, if you come home smelling like another person (especially another man 👀) i feel like there would be a lot of chaotic moments happening that household :p

Warnings: yandere behavior, possessiveness, and smut shit, minors DNI!

No, because you’re right. They’re the definition of, ‘If you leave me, we will kill you (softly) >:(!’

They’re always on you the minute you get home, regardless of where or who you went with. The wildest men, Soap and Gaz, are immediately surrounding you at the door, gently nipping your hand to guide you to their nest; before growling out as the disgusting smell of another person waves in like flies.

All of them hate outsiders. The smell of humans — the scent of someone else on you? Yeah, that’s one way to make them lose their goddamn mind. They growl at your skin, furiously licking it away and dragging you back to the den, so they can replace it with theirs. 

Funnily enough, Kyle jokingly brought up a small thought a few weeks ago: what if they pretend to be a service dog? You laughed then, taking it as a joke. However, It’s a thought they hadn’t stopped thinking about since. And it’d be perfect, really. 

They’ll act nice, they’d promise. Taking turns every day. Nudging your legs, pretending to be alerting you, but in reality, annoyed that customers are continually chatting you up at the grocery store; but they won’t blame them. You are pretty. 

Whenever they want attention in public, they’d force you on the ground — laying on top of you, pretending to be doing DPT. And of course, narrowing their eyes at anyone who wants to touch them. 

Though, ignore the top half, once coming home from work, they’re always on you the minute you step through the front door, regardless of where or who you went with. Price is immediately surrounding you at the door, gently nipping your hand to guide you to the nest; before growling out as the disgusting smell of another person waves in like flies.

Next you know, you’ve fallen to the floor, vigorously dragged by your ankle, whom by Johnny — only growls when you resist. Yelling at them only excites them more to show you who you belong too. 

Once you finally get out of the cuddle ball, which you were immediately forced into once you got home from work, one of them will follow you and whine at the door. High chance it’s Johnny, who will scratch at the door, barking at you to come out (and maybe chewing at the fuckin’ door, it ain’t the first time you’ve had to replace the damn thing!). He starts to jump around you when you come out, his tail wagging excitedly. 

In the mornings, they loathe seeing you get ready for work. The changing to appropriate clothes makes them growl, and you leaving the bedroom to grab your keys makes them whine. Johnny likes to purposely play games, especially grabbing your keys and running around the house, which leads to you chasing him and being late.

Most of the time, you’re chewed out by your boss — you being late so many times is a heavy toll on your shoulders. And when you come home, you’re obviously irritated. They can tell and smell it from you. 

They try to make you feel better. They really do! But why can’t you see you only need them? All of them surround you, making you irritable, laugh when they lick you. But only whine, when you tell them to move or get out of the way; ears flat down when you slam the bedroom door to be left alone. 

Either way, if you dare to get ready for work, after purposely ignoring them the night before, they can easily overpower you. Biting at the back of your knees, causing you to quite literally fall face-first and then quickly sitting on top of your back; making you learn that you require them and need to stay home. They need to protect you, so why can’t you understand that?

Punishments are rare. But if you keep pushing their limits, especially when you come back from a friend’s night quite late, they get on all fours. Turning in their full forms and fuck you senseless until you promise you won’t leave without their permission.  

But, once in a while, they’ll let you go without any trouble. They give you a bunch of kisses, growling in promises that you’ll be back before 8pm. And if you decide to push it, even by 10 minutes? They’re angry, and pent-up with annoyance yet again. 

—

Masterlist || Please consider reblogging and commenting instead of liking, it helps me as a creator!! Stay well!!

© yandere-kokeshi 2023 — Do not copy, modify, edit, repost, or use my works for ASMR readings, tiktoks, or other content.

[bipp-bopp-time-to-stop]

Pretty Boy

Finally, I got this finished. I had hoped to get this posted about two days earlier but damn did ending it kick my ass six ways 'til Sunday. I also changed the title of this fic because I kept reading the old title and it didn't gel as well as it used to for me. It may be a bit generic in my eyes, but it works. Although I do like him, I feel like I'm not the best at imagining or summarizing what Warriors' character is like. I still tried my best and am satisfied enough with the result. Enjoy!

TW: Yandere themes, gore, blood, long and detailed descriptions of torture, slightly suggestive in certain parts, some self deprecation on Wars' part, Wars is pretty... fucked up

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////

Being pretty wasn’t easy- and Wars knew this well. Yes, you could be considered attractive, but that was so… surface level. Surface level was enough to make merchants a bit more lenient towards you, makes it easier to obtain gossip, and made making “friends” less tiresome. Walking the walk wasn’t the hard part of being pretty. It was the talk.

To be pretty, handsome, desirable, beautiful, and more, required work. It required proper etiquette and good habits. It required a level head and a pleasant attitude. It required a good handle on your emotions regardless the situation. It required all of this and more. If you failed at any of this, even for a moment, pretty could get ugly.

For the longest time, Wars believed himself to be good at staying pretty. He knew he was on the surface- he wouldn’t be teased by his brothers otherwise if he wasn’t. He was usually chosen to be the face of the group when it came to handling locals and gathering information. A handsome face and charming attitude was nicer to deal with than a rugged face or snarky personality. No offense to Time and… maybe some offense to Legend.

It was tiresome. Playing nice with others he would sooner prefer to ignore or even berate. Hero he may be, he never saw himself as the tried and true goody-goody type. Thankfully, though, he didn’t have to be that with his brothers. He could partake in stupid games such as who can smash the most pots in a minute or who can last the longest in a cucco pen. He could make all sorts of dirty and dark jokes and have laughter answer him instead of shocked faces and gasps. It was freeing to be around his brothers- to forgo the title of hero and just be him.

And then you came along.

It was an unwelcome adjustment, at first. At all times now did he have to put on the facade of being this charming and polished hero. He forced himself to come to your aid whenever you stumbled or struggled with the journey they were on. Came to your defense whenever one of his brothers would snap at you for making a rookie mistake. It was clockwork to him. But you, on the other hand, weren’t.

“Wars? Mind if I talk to you about something? Uhm, privately?” You ask as you approach him with a noticeable level of hesitancy. It peaked Wars’ curiosity by a tad but he was far from surprised. He was your regular confidant amidst the group, after all.

“Sure,” Wars agrees as he follows you a distance away from the group. He wondered what you wanted to tell him this time. Was Legend getting too snarky with you again? Was Time making your training too rough to handle? Maybe Wind played a prank on you that crossed a line? Or was it not related to them at all? Perhaps you were feeling homesick and just wanted to talk one on one or just wanted to confide in him about something personal?

“Could you just… stop?”

… Huh?

“Listen I… appreciate you for what you’re doing- truly, I do. But… you don’t have to force yourself to like me or make the others like me,” You sigh and face him with a complex expression. Displeasure was the emotion Wars could make out the clearest and it made him squirm more than he’d like to admit.

“I… what? I’m not sure I follow,” Wars replied robotically. “Could you elaborate on what you mean?”

“I think I’m being clear enough already,” You sigh again but it’s deeper this time and Wars only finds himself growing more jittery. Why? Why was that? Why was your displeasure with him suddenly so… bad? “Please, just… stop with the facade. I’d rather you dislike me, or even hate me, then be some kind of- of fake friend with me. It’s not nice.”

Wars was left gaping like a fish. Even as you grew more suspicious with his silence and eventually walked away because of it, Wars couldn’t even formulate a word. Why was this shaking him up so badly? It was an act, yes, but… was it really? Had he actually grown to like you? Perhaps he had… and Wars didn’t know how to feel about it.

The next few days were awkward, to say the least. You’d seek out help from anyone else and Wars didn’t pipe up once. The tension was not missed by his brothers, but they didn’t butt in to help. Honestly, some seemed to enjoy the fact that the spot by your side was now left open. It was a bitter pill to swallow when Wars noticed that. Why?

He fell back on his training as a knight in hopes it would help him. When wanting to learn about the target, one must observe. He gathered intel left, right, and center in hopes of quelling the rapids of unease in his chest. He asked pestered his brothers about you whenever he was one on one with them. He’d strategically place himself behind you when the group traveled so he could watch you without worry. The more he observed, the more he learned, made him only grow more confused and… yearn.

Why were you asking Twilight how to ride horses? He could teach you that! It was drilled into him when he was training to be a knight, so no need to turn to the ranch hand for help! Why were you pestering Time for stories? Wars was a captain during a time of war! He had many stories to tell you (the not so gruesome ones, of course) and they’d be just as interesting! And why were you wanting to go into town with Legend? He’s good with merchants too, y’know?!

The unease in his chest only grew each day. The rapids had turned into a tsunami and the waters grew murky with green. The snarling and biting sensation of his heart hurt- like a viper had seized it. These boiling and bubbling feelings were awful and gross and disgusting and ugly. Pay attention to me! Think of me! Come to me first! Ask for my help! Look at me! Look at me! Look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me look at me LOOK AT ME!

As his patience was about to run dry, Hylia finally threw him a bone.

When it came to espionage, Wars was almost always the first pick. It was obvious he was the best suited for it considering he bothered to take care of himself and had formal etiquette drilled into him like a screw. Though, this event he had to sneak into was different. Why? Because it was a couple’s event and by a stroke of luck, you were his partner for the night.

Even though the outfit and make-up you were dolled up in was basic, Wars felt flabbergasted. He was so used to you being slightly grimey and dirtied up like most of the others that he never realized what all was hiding underneath that. For the first time in what felt like years, his heart was floating along on crystal clear waters. Despite this mission being supposedly high risk, Wars couldn’t help but feel relaxed as he had your hand in his nearly the whole night. Having you cling to him and coo at him, no matter how fake, had him light headed. Not even a higher power would be able to rip his gaze from you. Not like they’d be any more divine than you were.

From that night onward, Wars knew his place beside you now. While he missed being your sole confidant, he couldn’t exactly complain about his new role. A role that allowed him to be privy to every detail about you. From your routines to your clothes to your diet to your habits and even to your body. He’s lived around a castle and royalty long enough to know how to be an attendant.

He had to start small and work his way up. Given that your relationship with him was still on slightly rocky waters, he had to be patient yet again. Suggestions on what to potentially wear or little tips about hygiene were a good start in his mind. Just words, no touching- yes, that’s fine for now. Far from what he fully wants, but it’s enough to tide him over in the beginning.

And then… hmm… would you mind if he did your hair, (Name)? Nothing too fancy- just wanting to make sure it’s being taken care of and there’s a new style he thinks you might like. It’s an even mix of practical and fashionable and he’s sure you’ll like it. Hmm? Oh no no no no no! He wasn’t smelling your hair he was worshiping it, he was just getting close to get a piece of fuzz out! That’s all!

Also, what do you think about wearing this tunic with this pair of pants? He thinks the colors look well together. If it’s not your style, how about a few other outfits he came up with? Perhaps… a good ol’ green tunic to top off this pair of brown pants? Maybe maroon with something more tan colored? How about something bright like yellow? Or… oh, you’d look good in royal blue. … Oh? Why was he doing that? Well, you complained about having to pick out an outfit at times so he thought he’d help you out! Besides, he knows you trust in his style! So… is it okay if he takes care of that for you now? Okay? Okay! Great! And, uhm… do you need help getting dressed? Well, you did twist your ankle a few days ago and he wants to make sure you don’t irritate it while getting dressed. A-Are you sure? Positive? Well, okay… he’ll be right outside while you change just in case you need help please.

Ah ah ah! Don’t you give him that look! Look at your hands, do you really think you should be gripping a spoon at the moment? More than half of the soup is ending up back in the bowl and all over you, so just let him help! He’ll make sure to blow on it so that it’s not too hot, he promises. He’ll also handle getting you seconds or even thirds- yes, thirds. You need meat on your bones just as much as the rest of them and you know Wild cooks as much as he can for dinner. Just remember to open wide and say ah~.

He knows, he knows- it’s cold. Just do your best to stay still for him, will you? Can’t have your pores staying gunked up for much longer or else you could break out or even get sick. Also, your face will just feel nicer once he’s done. He’ll be careful around your eyes and lips. Actually, speaking of lips, why don’t you try out this lip balm he’s been using. No no no, don’t swat his hands- he’s just making sure to apply the right about. And… hold on, just a little more… there! Don’t your lips feel much better now? Look at how plump and pink they are now! Pretty, yes? Please just let him kiss them.

Hey! Settle down, you’ll just make your injuries worse! Yes, yes, you’re a capable adult and can wash yourself but look at you! There aren’t any potions or fairies to spare and Hyrule just knocked himself out from using too much magic! Now, please… let him help. Please, it hurts him to see you hurting like this. He won’t wash anywhere you don’t want him to and he’ll make sure to be as gentle as possible when it comes to dressing your wounds. He promises. Cross his heart and hope to die.

So, yes…

He was very content with his new role.

But don’t think this praise is one sided- oh no. He expects you to praise him back. He needs you to. If you don’t… well, he doesn’t mean to be dramatic but he’s sure his heart would stop beating.

So, please, praise him. Yes, comb your hands through his hair and admire how soft it is. No no, he doesn’t care that he just styled it- he can always style it again. Do you like it? Do you want to try out the products he’s been using? Ah, the way your fingers massage and scratch at his scalp feel lovely. Do keep going- he really doesn’t mind.

Hm? Does his voice really sound that nice? It’s nothing much, really, just his natural accent mixed with the elegancy expected from someone of his rank and title. If you like it so much… would you like to listen to him narrate a few poems he wrote? He’s been meaning to proof read them, anyways. Proof reading is easier when done aloud and with someone else there to check his work. Don’t cut back on criticism or praise- he wants to hear all of it.

Woah! No, it’s okay! It’s okay, it’s okay! You didn’t mean to barge in on him and it’s not like he’s indecent- just shirtless. But, since you’re here… would you do him a favor? He’s been checking himself out- wanting to see if his new training regiment is doing him any good. Do his biceps look bigger than before? Are his abs more defined? What do you mean he could just look in the mirror? Those things add ten pounds, you know! Just spoil him a little, wouldn’t you? He wants to hear your opinion because it’s the only one that ever matters to him anymore. No matter what he thinks of himself anymore, it’s nothing compared to how you see him. He’s all beautiful and pretty and dolled up just for you. Tell him what to change, what to do, how to act and he’ll follow every order to a T. Whatever it takes for you to hold him and touch him like he’s the embodiment of luxury. Mold the clay of his person into a masterpiece and admire the art turned life before you. Please just treasure him even a fraction of how he treasures you.

This perfect balance he had achieved with you was what made him wake up in the morning- figuratively and literally. He was there for almost every step of your daily routine now. Big or small, he had some hand in it even if you didn’t realize it. He had worked out every minute detail to the point that he’s not suffocating but he’ll never be far either. He’s good at what he does and he knows it- you make sure he does. He never gets less than five words of praise a day and if you short him- unknowingly, of course, you’re not cruel not like her- then he just has to perform at 110% the next day. So…

“The swelling and redness isn’t going down. It’s clearly poison. From what, I don’t know yet, but I intend to find out as soon as possible and have someone pay for doing this to them.”

How could he have let this happen?

You laid prone in the inn’s bed looking like you had just had your face slammed into a nest of vengeful hornets. It was swollen beyond belief and too red. Wild was silent as he slowly spooned homemade porridge into your mouth. His long and unkempt hair cascaded down his shoulders and covered his face. Wars didn’t need to look Wild in the eye to know how he silently sobbed- he was no better, after all.

“Any idea as to what happened?” Hyrule’s question draws Wars out of his stupor. He looks over at the brunette with an empty gaze. Hyrule narrows his eyes and waits with hands on hips for Wars to answer. Seconds tick by and Wars makes no sound but ultimately shakes his head.

“How… how do you not know? You’re always by their side…” Wild quietly pipes up. He’s barely turned his head and Wars can see his red rimmed eyes staring straight through him. Sadness pools in them and rage makes it seem like his tears are about to start boiling as they fall down his cheeks. Wars understood Wild’s feelings because they were his own. The wild haired man seemed ready to pin the blame on Wars and pounce so he could let out his emotion. Wars didn’t know if he’d bother to defend himself.

“I can’t think of anyone who would want to do this. We haven’t pissed off anyone in town yet nor have they,” Hyrule sighs as he returns to your side. He lets a healing spell fall from his hands to bring you some comfort. The swelling and redness doesn’t fade a bit since whatever poisoned you was actively affecting you. You barely make a sound in reaction to Hyrule’s spell or Wild continuing to feed you. Could you even speak? Did you even register that they were there or was Wars illusioning himself into believing you were even smidge bit lucid?

The door to the room bursts open and Wars doesn’t have time to snap at the intruder until he’s being slammed against the wall. Rough hands close in on his throat with a crushing grip and Wars finds himself staring into the crazed eyes of Twilight. The larger man is huffing and puffing like a raging bull and sporting his abnormally sharp teeth. For a few tense moments, Twilight does nothing more than stare down Wars. Was he debating on strangling him or tearing into his neck with his fangs? Perhaps both given that Twilight was about to blow.

“You… you… did this,” Twilight accuses as he presses Wars against the wall even harder. The accusation chills Wars to the bone as he looks over to you. He felt like this was his fault anyways but… for him to actually be the one who harmed you? How? How was that possible?! He does everything he can to support you and comfort you! He would sooner cut off his own hands than let them bring you harm! So how… how could he… what did he…

Something is slapped against his face and he suddenly finds it hard to breathe. As he coughs and sneezes, powder comes out. He swipes at his face to wipe off whatever Twilight had slapped onto him but it only seems to spread it more. A wet and cold towel is scrubbed against his skin as Hyrule jumps into action to save Wars from what is likely the supposed “poison”.

“Enough!” Hyrule yells as he stops cleaning Wars’ face. He looks over at Twilight with rage that had finally boiled over. “What the hell are you doing, Twilight?! What good are you trying to achieve by poisoning one of us?! Especially with (Name) in the room?!”

“It’s his fault!” Twilight snaps back. He picks up a round, blue container from the ground and nearly shoves it back in Wars’ face. Wars’ eye nearly fall out of their sockets when he recognizes what it is. “He bought this the other night and put it on their face this morning. When I was looking through (Name)’s belongings to find what may have poisoned them, the stench of this powder caught my attention. I don’t know what it is but it smelled rancid.”

“Foundation…” Wars croaks out as he stares at the container and the powder on himself. “It… it was supposed to be foundation. I bought it the other night from a cosmetic merchant. I looked through their wares and- and all of it seemed well made and luxurious. I-It was supposed to be a gift and… and they loved it. I put it on their face this morning and it went on so nicely and they looked so lovely and… and… and then…”

Wars sinks to the floor with a choked sob. He shakes and crawls over to your bedside with his eyes trained on your poor face the whole time. He can see you try to look over at him past the swollen lids of your eyes but he doubts you can see much at all. He wants to reach out to you and comfort you through the pain. To caress your face and whisper sweet words. To pepper gentle kisses across your skin while he murmurs out his adoration but he can’t. He’s tainted by the very thing that harms you now. He bought and handed you the very poison that swells and reds your skin. He recalls how you trusted him- like you always do- when he applied your make up this morning. And now look at you- look at what he’s done to you.

He’s pulled away from you by the collar of his shirt and nearly dragged out of the room. Twilight forces him to his feet and looks him dead in the eye. Although he’s had his outburst, his eyes are still simmering with anger. Wars can hear heavy footsteps echo behind him before Time comes into view. He looks over Twilight’s shoulder and gives Wars his own stoney scowl with both eyes open perhaps a sign to Wars that he was also angry about what happened.

“Legend is currently isolating the offender away from the town. You are to meet him at the appointed place and take over from there. The poor bastard’s fate is going to be in your hands and when I come to check in on you within three hours, I better find that you’ve dealt him due punishment. I’ll let your imagination run wild with the possibilities of what will be done to you should you not meet my expectations. Understood?” Time tsked. His look and tone made it clear that this order might as well be regarded as law.

“Yes sir,” Warriors nodded. He straightened up and dusted himself up. Slowly, training was taking over him and seeping into every fiber of his being as he marched out of the building. He carried himself with purpose as he walked to where Legend was supposedly waiting for him. Crowds parted to let the man through as it was clear he was on a mission and the malice that seeped off of him was enough to make even the guards look the other way.

The well paved roads of the town quickly turned into nothing more than well trodded dirt pebbled with rocks and gravel. After more walking, moss and more overgrowth overtook the ground. Wars had to give it to the Veteran- he was good when it came to preparation. He had likely dragged the man off to a secluded area far enough away from town that no one could hear any screams. He also imagined that the Vet had picked out a secluded area that would be hard to see and get to.

“Fucking finally…” came the tired groan of a bored Legend as he emerged from the tree line. He may have put on a good poker face of being nothing more than annoyed, but Wars could easily see through it. Eyes were the window to the soul, after all, and Legend was positively burning. “I’ve gotten tired of listening to the bastard whimper and cry. Be lucky that I had the patience and benevolence to save him for you.”

“I’m more surprised than anything, Legend. The fact that you’re not jumping at me and trying to tear me a new one is a little… off putting,” Wars huffed. Legend only grins at the man and approaches him with a saunter. He claps a hand onto Wars’ shoulder and leers up at the captain.

“Oh, I wanted to and I still very much want to right now. But, then, I got to thinking about how you’re now here and not beside them like some sort of dog on a leash. Hyrule trusts me greatly so there’s no doubt in my mind that I can be at their side for hours on end without interruption. Given what you did to them- and I do plan to tell them everything- they’ll surely appreciate me being there instead of you, don’tcha think? I always thought I looked better beside them than you ever did. After today, I’m sure they’ll agree,” Legend provokes as he smiles snarls at Wars. It takes every shred of willpower Wars can spare to not deck Legend in the face right then and there. Legend obviously notices the barely masked rage and laughs. He gives Wars a pat on the back and struts off while whistling.

Wars stalks down the slope Legend had come from before dropping down a small ledge. His boots squelched as they sunk into the thick moss of the cave floor. In the very back, illuminated by a few lanterns, sat the perp. He was bound up to a wooden chair thanks to thick strands of rope and chains. He was gagged but not blindfolded. His gaze met Wars and, for a fraction of a second, he seemed relieved- as if he expected Wars to be his savior. Naturally, these delusions were dismissed the moment the bound man caught a glimpse of Wars’ ice cold scowl and clear look of intent.

Instead of immediately lashing out at the merchant, Wars observes what tools he’s been left to work with: A pair of shears, some rusty knives, a bottle of green and viscous liquid, and a few rods of metal. Of course Legend wouldn’t leave him with anything good. The thing that Wars seemed to have the most hope in was that bottle of liquid but that could be saved for later. Save the best for last and all that…

“What shall I start with first? Something small, of course, but nonetheless painful. Can’t have you dying too soon, can we?” Wars sighed in annoyance as he combed a hand through his hair. After some contemplation, he picked up the pair of shears and directed them to the merchants hands. “Let’s get rid of those pesky fingers, shall we? I think that would be a lovely place to start.”

With anger fueling him and well defined muscle lining his arms, chopping through each finger didn’t require much more effort than chopping carrots did. It sounded rather similar to it too, just with a bit more snap. Wars took his time too- bothering to get the bladed edges of the shears comfortable against each joint before he slammed a hand down on the handle. Despite his control and technique, the process still went by too quickly for Wars.

Putting the shears to the side for the moment, Wars armed himself with one of the rusted over knifes. The blade was so dull that it likely couldn’t even cut butter but Wars would make it work. He brought the knife to the man’s arm and began to cut against it with a sawing motion. It took a few back and forth motions for the skin to finally give in but Wars stopped the second that happened. He moved the blade over by a hairs length and began again. With each cut made, he would move the blade over and begin to slice again.

Were Wars a naturally more savage man, he would have caved into his rage and pummeled the sinner into broken bones and gore the second he was left along with him. It sounded tempting, he wouldn’t lie, but this felt much better to him. The slow increase of pain and letting the man before him hang on a thread for however long he allowed was much more soothing to him. Death by a thousand cuts would take awhile but awhile was something Wars didn’t exactly have and it would be too lenient in Time’s eyes.

Wars’ next pick were the metal rods. He grabbed the heaviest and thickest of them all and tested the weight of it in his hand. Once he had a sure grip, he wasted no time in introducing it to the merchant’s knees. Over and over and over and over and over again did Wars slam the makeshift weapon into the sinner’s kneecaps. Only once he heard and felt each knee pop and crack below his blows did Wars move on. In a single, powerful strike, Wars hit the man across the face with the rod and broke his nose.

The damage he’s done so far was good but not enough. The man was barely lucid anymore- overwhelmed by pain and bloodloss. The idea of removing his gag and listening to him plead for a few minutes was now out of the question. Were Wars not so limited on tools and too clouded by emotion, he was sure he could do a lot more.

Arming himself with the knives once again, Wars finally began to stab him. It wasn’t relentless and wild, but calculated. He wanted each stab wound to not be overlapped by another so he could count each one at the end of this all. Given the poor state of his equipment, the knives were quick to bend after about ten stabs each. Once the blade of each knife had bent, Wars turned back to his trusty shears to continue the job. He made sure no inch of skin was left untouched by his rage. Even once he felt like he had gotten to each part of the man possible, he untied him from the chair and flopped him down onto the ground to get to his back. He was long since dead by now, but that wasn’t going to stop Wars.

The minutes trickled on by as Wars continued his work. He grew sweaty and his arms ached but he refused to rest. With his hands slick from blood and sweat, his palms sliced across the blade of his shears more than once as the metal refused to stay steady in his grip. It stung but it was a welcome sting- it brought him away from the monotony of his actions.

“I see you’ve done well to keep yourself busy,” Time’s voice muses and it jolts Wars away from his actions. He stands up and greets the older man with a curt nod before stepping away from the body. He lets Time get a good look at the corpse and hopes that it’s up to the man’s liking. Time also looks at the bloody and/ or broken tools Wars had used. He merely hummed and picked up the bottle that Wars had forgotten about.

“How are they?” Wars asks as he discards his shears.

“Better. Their face isn’t fully red and swollen anymore, but it’s patchy and sensitive. A welcome improvement but still a sight none of us like to see,” Time replies. He uncorks the glass bottle and tips it over. The thick liquids falls out in blobs and seeps into the open wounds of the corpse. It takes Wars a moment to realize that it wasn’t some sort of acid like he had originally suspected. Instead, it was a juvenile chu chu. Good thing Wars didn’t use it or else he’d have nothing to show Time.

“That’s good to hear. Any idea when they’ll be fully recovered?” Wars inquires further.

“They should be mostly healed up in about two days, but Hyrule recommended to not have them wear anything on their face for about a week,” Time answers as he discards the bottle. He glares down once more at the body before looking back up at Wars and gives him a curt nod. “Not bad for what you had. It’ll do.”

With Time’s approval, Wars lets his shoulders sag and a breath of relief leaves him. He follows the older hero out of the cave and away from the scene. Wars tears off a few strips of cloth from his shirt to cover his bleeding hands as a makeshift bandage. He’d heal them up once back with the rest of the group. He’d also have to remember to get a change of clothes as his were very wet and very red.

He paid minimal attention to his brothers when he returned back to the inn. He fell back onto his routine to get cleaned up. He rushed at certain parts when he remembered that you were nearby and potentially hopefully waiting for him. Once he had triple checked himself and made sure no blood or poison still clung to him, he snuck over to your room. Realistically, you’d be sleeping but even getting a glimpse of your relaxed face would be far better than the pain you were in earlier.

“Warriors?” Oh… you were up.

With the face of a man caught red handed, Wars stopped trying to sneak into the room. He was still quiet as not to disrupt the peaceful air nor to alert his brothers that currently laid sleeping rooms over.

“Yes?” Wars whispered as he sat down on the chair at you bedside. It held some residual warmth, so whoever had accompanied you earlier hadn’t been gone long. If Wars had to guess, he would be all in on it being Legend.

“Where have you been? I vaguely remember you and Hyrule and… Twilight, I think? Getting into an argument earlier. I think I feel asleep and then woke up with Legend beside me…” You recount. Wars feels his heart drop to chest despite having the Vet tell him what he planned on doing.

“I’m sorry,” Wars apologies quietly as his shaking hands reach out to grab your own. He pulls them in close and presses a gentle kiss to both knuckles and palms. “I’m- I’m so sorry…”

“Don’t apologize,” You sigh and Wars shakes his head. No, no you couldn’t forgive him for this. He hurt you- he doesn’t deserve forgiveness. But, then… that wouldn’t exactly be you then, would it? You always forgave them for what they did, whether or not you knew the full extent of it. You always forgave them and never stopped loving them which only made Wars’ heart clench and hurt more in the moment. Even with your face starting to look like you once again, he could still make out the residual damage done.

A hand cards its ways through Wars’ hair and massages the back of his neck. With a small grunt, Wars leans over and rests his head against your chest. He believed you should sooner be slapping him than caressing him, but he wasn’t going to argue. You were stubborn as a mule and who was he to go against your word and decisions?

“It’s okay, Link. You didn’t mean for this to happen so don’t go blaming yourself,” You coo as you continue to love on him. Hearing his name fall from your lips never failed to make him shiver and feel so vulnerable. It was such a wonderful and liberating feeling- to be the apple in your eye. Although he felt rotten and worm infested to the core, you still held him and admired him like he was ruby red and ripe from the tree. To be loved for both his pretty and ugly sides meant more to him than he could ever convey. He just hoped that, in all the he did, you would have an inkling of an idea of this.

“Look at me?”

The order was so tender and mild that he felt like it was sooner addressed to a babe and not him. Nonetheless, Wars didn’t hesitate to lift his head up and look at you. In the depths of your pupils could he see his reflection. His hair was unkempt and ruffled up by you hands. His thick lashes were misted by tears and his ocean blue eyes wobbled as he held your gaze. His skin was clean and cleared of any concealer so every pore and flaw were visible. Even in this state, he watched your eyes soften and crinkle into something so warm and sweet that made him feel like this was his most stunning moments yet.

“My pretty boy…” You whispered as you held his head his heart, his soul, his very ambition and will to live in your hand.

“Yes…” Wars croaked as he nuzzled against the silky skin of your palm. It was in these tender moments did Wars finally understand what salvation meant. “Your pretty boy… pretty just for you.”

[rise-my-angel]

Confused Warmth

Pairing: Joel Miller x Female Reader

Length: 12.3k

Warnings: angst/hurt comfort with happy ending, smut, p in v, oral (f receiving), romantically inexperienced reader, mutual pining

Note: it took me a few days to summom the courage to post this here, but i really hope you enjoy it! Prequel to Distracted Mistakes and Past Retribution

Softness and warmth surrounded you, and yet your mind felt anything but calm and comfortable. The blanket draped over you should be enough to lull you into a comfortable sleep, but the warmth emanating from the body next to you is a constant reminder of what you’ve done. The quiet breathing along with every rise and fall of their chest yells at you for not just doing what they’re doing and fall asleep. 

But you can’t. You replay in your mind what actions directly led you to right now, and even worse, how this will affect your relationship entirely. You never expected this in your life. Not in general, and especially not with the person sound asleep next to you. Afterall, you were told when you first arrived in Jackson that Joel Miller is a difficult man to know. 

Though, really thinking about it, you were given pretty conflicting opinions on the man right up until tonight. Once you had met Joel, everyone felt the need to tell you how to deal with him or how to handle him. It was nothing but confusing for you, and not just because you had only met him. 

Before arriving at Jackson, you were alone, and had been for a long time. You knew how to hide from danger, how to forage, and how to lay traps for hunting food. That was enough. You had to travel, nowhere for a long stretch of road was anything resembling civilization. You could find places to stay with no Clickers, but it was the depraved hostility of other survivors you didn’t want to stay and find. So you kept going. 

Eventually, you heard rumours of Wyoming. A real community, good people paying their dues to make it all work. While you didn’t hold that flicker of hope in your heart, you planned a path regardless. It took a while, but you found it. An awkward and slightly scary initial confrontation with a few men aside, it was obvious you were alone and simply looking for a place to breathe. So they brought you in, and showed you around. 

It was that first day, rain lightly misting in the evening air, that you met him. One of the men, learning earlier was named Tommy, led you into a building that you thought was originally some kind of restaurant, and introduced you to his wife Maria. It was there, talking to them about the time you spent alone and how you found this place, when he walked in. 

The door flew open, sprays of rain droplets flying around the entrance followed by a broad man with an angry disposition barreled in, paying no mind how his loudness disrupted the quiet conversation taking place. 

“Tommy, if this damn thing snaps one more time, I’m heading out to find a new one and I’m fixing it myself.” With a bang, he turns to drop what appeared to be some kind of metal piping onto the counter you sat at. The noise causing you to jump in your seat, hand letting go of the glass Maria had handed you, the bottom of it hitting the counter with a noticeable clank. 

“Well maybe if you give the man more than 5 minutes to fix it, you wouldn't keep having this problem,” Tommy began giving what sounded somewhat like a lecture, only it was toned in an amused familiarity, like this was a regular kind of occurrence. But the newcomer's gaze wasn’t on him. 

It was on you, a glare turned your way at your startled jump, later you’d learn it wasn’t really a glare. Joel’s resting face just looked like that naturally. Only a glare wasn’t enough to make you look away. In fact, you only just watched him back in return. Instinct told you to brace yourself for a fight, too used to the road with aggressive men looking to steal whatever you had that they didn’t. But he didn’t move, he just looked at you as Tommy said something about pipes behind you. 

“That work for you, Joel?” Tommy’s affirming tone pulling his attention away from you. His face turning just slightly to look up at him, his eyes clearly going from whatever apprehension towards your presence fading back to the annoyance he held when walking in. 

“Just tell him it’s his last chance.” The voice is harsh and gruff, but in a way that suggests he isn’t angry, he just has this angry demeanour. Joel’s arms slid over to the metal works  he placed on the counter, with a brief moment of his gaze following suit to once again look at you. It almost looked like he had a question to ask, but his eyes narrowed back to it’s usual look as he draped the material over his arm. “It’s my house he’s fixing, not some cheap hotel that pays him no matter the shit job.” 

And with that he hitches the thing in his arm higher and swings the door back open, his body fading into the mist of the rainfall until the door closes over the scene. 

It was then, when you first heard your first warning about him. Tommy chuckled to himself, before moving from his place at the counter to walk past you, a hand playfully grasping your shoulder as he goes by. “I know I said we have a bunch of different kinds of people, but I was hoping you’d have a nicer introduction to them than my brother.” 

Your eyebrows shoot up in question as you put it together. The similarly structured faces and both holding a clear southern accent that didn’t belong to the area matched each other but not the relatively calm presence Tommy gave you versus the fiery urgency his brother radiated. 

Maria laughed lowly to herself, before getting up from her own seat and coming to stand next to you. “Joel can come off as an asshole at first, but he’s less grumpy and more caring when he gets to know you, don’t let it bother you.” 

Tommy didn’t add anything about his brother, simply gestured for you to get up, and walked the two of you outside with him, going on about available places to live. 

From that point on, it felt as if you saw Joel everywhere. Jackson wasn’t big, sure, but more than one person on many occasions said that you likely wouldn’t encounter him often. That he works hard, but doesn't often interact with people a lot outside of Tommy, Maria, and the young teenager who lives with him who seems to be his daughter of sorts. 

Yet, you constantly saw Joel everywhere. At first anytime you ran into him, it was quiet but cordial. An answer to where a certain building is, pointing out that you were doing some small meaningless task wrong, he was gruff and intimidating but was never rude. Just pointing towards whatever you were doing with a, “You need to hold it this way, you’re just gonna hurt yourself doing it like that.” Sometimes just grabbing whatever you are holding and turning your hands to hold it properly, himself. It was always quite flustering, but by the time you would turn to look at him with a quiet ‘thank you’, Joel was always either back to minding his own business or has walked away totally. 

One evening, you were outside of your home, a small rundown place tucked away from the other houses for peace and quiet. Tommy had warned you it was in rough shape, and pretty ugly, but that it never had many people around, which after years of travelling all alone, is what you were most comfortable with. You were busy working away at sawing slabs of wood into specific lengths, so focused on making sure the measurements were right, that you didn’t notice your approaching visitor. 

“You planning on dragging all that around, yourself?” Looking up to see the source of the voice, Joel stood mere feet away, arms crossed over his chest as he looked down at your hunched form. The only response you gave was a raise of an eyebrow. 

Joel nodded his head to indicate at yourself, “No offence but you’re not exactly in prime shape to carry around lumber.” While he was right, it was also embarrassing and you didn’t like that he just said it out loud. 

You shrugged, looking back at the wood and eyes downcast to the side. Your plan was to just drag each piece to its destination and you’d figure it out from there. Without knowing what to say you merely muttered, “I’d manage.” 

There was a moment of silence, but before you could determine if it was awkward or not Joel spoke again. “What’re you even doing?” 

Looking up to him he seemed to be genuinely curious. Tommy was right, Joel’s face was always just a degree of grumpy no matter what it seemed. Standing up to face him properly, you gestured to your windows. “The back of my house faces the edge of town. Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I don’t like how easily the windows open from the outside.”  

Joel still cross-armed, nodded, a thoughtful look in his face. “Life on the road does that to you. Makes you feel like you can’t trust anything too comfortable.” You knew from word of mouth that Joel hasn’t been here for that long. He and his daughter Ellie had only arrived less than a year before two men on patrol stumbled upon you. 

You don’t know why you felt the need to say anything, you assumed he was just curious and would walk away again, but you still spoke. “I still don’t really know anyone here.” 

Joel was just confused looking, but waited for you to finish your thought. 

“I didn’t know if I should ask anyone for help, since, uh, no one really knows me. So I just decided I’d do it myself.” You turned back to start just moving things anyway. “Nice seeing you, Joel.” 

You simply started to lift some of the larger slabs since you may as well get those over with first, when it suddenly lifted from your arms. Your hands hovered from where they held it, when you looked at Joel holding it up over his shoulder like the heavyweight meant nothing to him. “Gonna take you until midnight doing this alone.” As he began walking towards your backyard he just hollered, “Bring over those smaller ones, would you?” 

He worked with you to nail the slabs around your loose windows all evening. You didn’t share much conversation that night, but you two worked together pretty seamlessly. By the time the job was done, it was finally getting dark. 

Joel had one forearm resting against the wall, deep brown eyes looking at you, something clearly stirring around in his head behind them. You don’t know if intimidated is the right word for how you felt in that moment, but it’s the only one that came to mind. His large, broad frame standing over you, ever watchful of your moments, it made you squirm. 

You hated that feeling. Years on the road, surviving and defending yourself, it wasn’t natural for you to feel flustered. Like his gaze made you warm, and you didn’t understand the feeling at all. So you gave yourself an out. 

Picking up the tools left on the ground, you looked at Joel hoping it was a grateful expression not a hesitant one. “Thanks for the help, Joel. Least now I can hopefully sleep a little better.”

Joel’s mouth opened to respond but you were faster. “I should let you go, you’ve taken enough of your time helping me. I’ll let you head back home.” 

His head tilted as he clearly was trying to process your quick dismissal. “Anytime, really. Just gotta ask, alright?” 

You nodded, lips pursing slightly as you tried not to look at him. “Goodnight, Joel.” 

Right before you went inside, Joel yelled out  your name, just loud enough to get your attention. “Seriously. Just ask next time you need help, okay?” 

Again, you nodded, not sure what to say. He didn’t leave the moment open for long, Joel simply said, “Alright. You know where I live.” Turned, and left the way he came. Leaving you standing at your front door, looking into the darkness of the evening. Wondering why you always feel so strange around this man. 

The time in which he spends around you seems to increase with every encounter. It’s probably not enough time to consider the two of you friends, usually you either pull away busying yourself to escape this growing unknown feeling, or Joel is pulled away either by whatever job he had taken up, or usually, by Ellie.  

You’ve actually spoken to the girl enough times to feel fond of her. She's smart, but boy does she have a quick mouth on her. She gives you more sass than you’ve ever seen from one person, and anytime you see her with Joel it’s a constant back and forth. Bickering as if they can’t stand each other, but it’s filled to the brim with playfulness and affection. You don’t know what they’ve been through, but it’s clear that whatever it is it’s left the two of them with an inseparable bond. 

The group of people you’ve found yourself spending a consistent amount of time with have tried to mention it around you. Speculating on what the mouthy teenager and brooding father have been through before arriving in Jackson, but you never listen. It feels wrong. 

You don’t know why they would care to talk about it in such a way. If they wanted to know just ask, but you didn’t want to know. Every single person here has a story, one that hurts them to remember and no one deserves to have it brought out into the open without their permission. The most you’ve ever heard before leaving the conversation was enough to learn that Ellie isn’t Joel’s biological daughter. 

Though you don’t know why that’s even interesting. The two look nothing alike, not in skin tone or facial structure, but they clearly see each other as father and daughter, so you don’t care until the duo themselves feel the need to say otherwise. 

You do, however, pay attention to when one of the group members mentions that Joel seems to hover around you. Your head turns from watching your finger tracing the lid of your glass to whip around to face her. Brows furrowed and eyes screaming confusion, they laugh and say, “What like you’ve never noticed? He is always suddenly around when you’re around and when he is he watches you like a hawk.” 

That strange warm yet juggling feeling in your gut returns. You hate it. You don’t understand it. “He doesn’t.” It’s all you can say in your defence, before downing the remainder of your drink before getting up to pour yourself another. 

This time another person in the group speaks up, “No he definitely does. I don’t see Joel hovering around anyone else, and he definitely talks to you just as much as he does Tommy or Ellie.” That makes your stomach lurch even more. 

You don’t make a habit of watching Joel. Watching people’s movements comes naturally to you, being alone on the road, tracking people’s movements on a day to day basis becomes a necessity for survival, knowing how to avoid anything treading on too dangerous to handle alone. You have no reason to watch Joel, so you make a conscious effort not to, even though you don’t feel compelled to watch others like you do him. Not that you’d admit that. 

“He’s just nice to me, is all.” You drink maybe half of your new glass, trying very hard not to chug it down. 

“Sweetheart, Joel ain’t just nice like that to everyone.” You ignore the light laughter from the group. Your whole body feels warm and taut with tension, and you hate it. All you can do is roll your eyes and wait for the conversation to change topics. 

Against your best effort, you start to take note. Joel in fact, pops up where or around where you are whenever constantly. He approaches you just to chat some of these days. It’s never super chatty like other people. Joel isn’t a big talker, and neither are you. But the silence between the words is comfortable all the same. Just standing, backs slightly leaned against the wall, both your arms crossed as you talk. Small laughs or smiles gracing your faces the longer the conversation. 

You never associated the strange happenings in and around your place with him at all. But they bothered you.

It was Tommy who spilled the beans about what Joel’s been doing behind your back. You walked into the bar one afternoon, complaining that someone was messing around your house. He looked very surprised, and when you mention how things on your property seemed to be fixed by themselves, or firewood suddenly is precut for you on your outdoor pile, he has the audacity to laugh. 

“Those ain’t bad things, you know that right?” You didn’t let it slide, though, wishing he was taking it more seriously. 

“Tommy, someones on my property, touching my things, and I don’t like it. I get that this is a safe place, but I don’t feel safe when I come home and someone’s clearly been there without my permission. If I can’t feel safe here I may as well be back out there.” Your voice with each sentence raising in pitch and hysterics, Tommy realising that you didn’t like your privacy being invaded, and to you, your home itself was your privacy.  

He says your name low but gently, grabbing your attention. “Listen, sweetheart,,” He sighs as he contemplates how to say what he needs to say. “My brother’s not the best at letting people know he cares. I mean hell, he's closest to me and Ellie and he’s had more arguments and fights with the both of us then anyone else combined.”

“I don’t,” you shook your head in denial, “I don’t get what you’re saying.” 

Tommy leans in closer to you, his voice quiet, “He’s not good at saying he cares about you, he’s better at just doing things you need. He’s not going to just tell you what he’s doing, he just notices things you need fixing or more supplies of, and he just does it for you.”

That warm feeling has become the thing you dread the most. You’d rather be shoved into a room with Clickers than keep having this unknown feeling arise anytime Joel came up. 

“I never brought those up though,” Tommy shakes his head, hand raised to interrupt you. 

“You don’t need to, he pays attention to you.” Your head lowers, lost in thought, when he speaks again. “If it really makes you uncomfortable, I’ll tell him that. But he’d rather just do things to help you out, especially since he knows how little you try and rely on anyone else.”

Your fingers light start tapping against the wood of the bar, “I, I guess you’re right. Not like it’s bad things he’s doing.” You move to grab the bag that you had unceremoniously dropped when storming in, “You’re right, he’s just being nice, not a big deal.” 

Tommy had more to say, but clearly you didn’t, you just looked him in the eye, “Please uh, don’t- don’t tell him I said anything. Don’t want him mad that I complained about it.” 

Hands raised in the air, he swears, “Not a word.” as you leave the building. 

The next day, Joel shows up at your door, walking in like he was previously invited and makes his way into your kitchen. “I’m sick of walking by here at night, and seeing every light working and then just candles lighting your kitchen.” 

You genuinely can't tell if Tommy said anything to him, and Joel doesn't elaborate. 

He does, though, fix your kitchen lights that day, just needing a quick job that you didn’t know how to do. After it’s done, he stays for a while afterwards when you offer him a drink. The two of you just in your kitchen talking until it gets late enough that you joke, “You know if you don’t get home before the street lights turn on Ellie’s gonna be worried.” 

Instead of thanking you for the drink, Joel just asks you, “You wanna join us?” Him having to elaborate further at your widened eyes, “For dinner, it’s Ellie’s night to cook, and I know you ain’t got a huge stock of stuff here.” 

Both of your hands now holding the glass, grip tightening on it matching the tightening feeling in your gut, you answer anyways. “I’d like that.” 

Joel’s house is far nicer than yours, it feels lived in, full, no doubt a large part being Ellie’s young and more energetic influence at work there. You do spot a guitar as you make your way into the kitchen. It had been so long since you heard proper music, the old music player you carried with you for years had broken just a month  before arriving at Jackson. You had missed it greatly. Was it his or Ellie’s, and why did a part of you so badly want to see Joel play it? 

Your attention didn’t linger for long, Ellie acosts you as soon as you walk into the threshold of the kitchen. “Finally, I’ve been telling him to invite you forever.” 

“Ellie,” Joel’s tone is final in the abruptness which is comes out, making Ellie look drastically between the two of you. 

“What? It’s true, he never shuts up about you during dinner anywa-” 

Joel turns away from you completely to point at the stovetop, “Ellie, watch the damn burner.” His back to you hiding his wide eyed unimpressed look, though it did little to hide it in his tone. 

Turning back to you, his body tense in an uncomfortable awkwardness, his hands placed on his hips. “So uh,” his hesitation lingering in the air as he thinks, “Sit down, I’ll get you a drink.” 

Things do settle, Joel complimenting Ellie for getting better at cooking, and her trying to play it off like it’s no big deal. It’s heartwarming watching the two of them together. Their banter compliments each other, but their closeness doesn’t disclude you. Joel throws things your way all the time, trying to get you to speak up. 

It doesn’t come naturally to you, making casual conversation, but you get the sense that Joel knows that. It’s not like either of you are a chatterbox to anyone. It helps getting you through dinner, though. The night is cozy, you have a good time just being around them as they go about their evening. 

It also though, leaves you feeling confused and somewhat stupid. This sensation you get around Joel was so strong the entire night, you at some points worried you were going to be sick. It torments you the next few days, unable to stop thinking about how much you liked being so close to him, spending time with him. And you don’t know why. 

Honestly you are not used to sharing how you feel with people. You spent so much time watching how people sharing their feelings with each other ended up tearing the group apart, leaving you to go find a new group to travel with, until it became too much to bother with. There’s something foreign about this feeling though that makes you wonder if there’s something wrong. 

It’s Maria who gets it out of you. On more than one occasion you find yourself sitting at the bar counter, picking at whatever you brought out for lunch, staring at it like it’s the cause of your problems. Maria approaches you, “You wanna tell me what’s bothering you so much, or do you want me to leave it for the sandwich?” 

You’re not sure what it is about her, but she feels safe, like she’s not going to just use it against you. You dish it all out, how Joel makes you feel, the feeling in your stomach, how confused you feel about what people have said when it doesn’t make sense. By the end of explaining it all to her, it may be the most you’ve ever said in one go. 

Maria has to take a moment to take it all in, to think about why you’re feeling so bad about this when it dawns on her. She says your name quite calmly, “Have you never had a crush before?” 

No, no that’s what’s happening right? It couldn’t be, you didn’t even think of that. “I, no, never. Uh, it just, never, no one has ever,”  You start stammering, eyes looking around as if worrying someone else would hear you. “I mean before all this happened, like, I was still pretty young, it just never happened beforehand and then afterwards everything was just about surviving that it didn’t matter anymore.” 

Maria knew you were younger then Joel clearly, but you held yourself up in a quiet but put together way. You spent years out there alone, hardening your spirit, that it made her forget that you must have been younger then they were when the outbreak happened. She figured you may not have even been around anyone that would have given you a crush for a while anyways, having to go through a life in all this didn’t give most people the best understanding of these kinds of feelings. 

“It’s okay, it’s not a big deal. Actually, it makes sense really. You’re both a lot alike from what I can tell.” She watches you fidget in your seat, and all you can do is accept that she’s right. 

“What do I do? Fuck no, nevermind there’s nothing to do about it. It doesn’t matter.” You jump up from your seat and grab your bag to run out the door when Maria calls your name. 

“Listen, don’t shut it out okay? Don’t just push that all down, you never know-” You cut her off right then and there. 

“It’s okay Maria, I know who it is we’re talking about. Just uh, don’t, don’t say anything, please?” You look at her desperate, wishing that just by not talking about it will make it stop. 

“Don’t worry, I won’t.” She’s not entirely sure that’s true though, she’s probably going to talk about this with Tommy, but you didn’t need to know that right now. 

For a while, you could pretend like life was normal. You and Joel spent increasing amounts of time together, but none of it changed. He’s still grumpy, and brooding, he still is a degree of rough in how he speaks to you, but he speaks to everyone that way, so you don’t think anything of it. Joel is just a rough around the edges kind of guy. 

Joel still just does things for you without you bringing it up or even asking, he becomes increasingly protective over you, and you just assume he’s always like this. Part of you wonders about it, but you rationalise it. You tell yourself that reading into how he protects you is just going to drag you back into that hole. 

It all comes to a boiling point one day, when you are preparing to make a trip out. You know that Jackson provides you with as much food as you need, but a part of you will always feel the need to ensure you can still fend for yourself. Trapping is the one you rely on more often. It allows you to practise patience and a degree of stealth to track animals movements. 

Tommy already knows you’re headed out today, asking if you wanted one of them to come with you, but you declined. Going out alone is what you’re used to. 

What you didn’t count on, was before and just after you left. Joel had come up to talk to Tommy, when he notices you. “Hey, where do you think you’re going?” 

You were kneeling down on the ground, checking to make sure your pack had everything necessary when you heard the deep voice approaching you. Looking up to see Joel just in front of Tommy, you quickly closed your pack and moved to stand up. Joel reached out to give your arm a pull when he could see you stumble as you tried to stand and slip the bag onto your back at the same time. “Just going out to check my traps before it gets dark.” 

Joel’s eyes squinted and his brow furrowed as he moved his gaze from you to up in the sky, and back to you. “ Getting pretty dark, isn’t it? You should wait until tomorrow.” 

Shrugging you let the suggestion slip by, “I’d rather do it now, it’s been a little too long and I want to check them all before something else gets to whatever got caught.” 

“It’s still late, I’ll go with you.” Whatever Joel came over to talk with Tommy about, clearly involved other plans because Tommy immediately looked surprised if not a little put out at his brothers words. 

“No, no it’s fine. I prefer doing it by myself. Go uh, ahead with whatever you guys were gonna do.” As you started to secure the bags straps across your chest, Joel took another step forward into your personal space. 

“You shouldn’t go out there by yourself.” 

“I’ll be fine, Joel. Seriously.” 

“I’m going with you.” 

“Joel, I can do it on my own.” 

Both of you were starting to get annoyed, and Tommy took a step forward as Joel’s tone raised. 

“You’re not going out there when it looks like it could storm at any time.” 

Now you were looking him right in the eye, very frustrated. “I don’t need you to babysit me Joel, I know what I’m doing.” 

Another step forward towards the pair of you from Tommy as Joel almost growls your name in warning. 

Looking back on it, you know your frustration was your fault. You were struggling with realising you have feelings for him, and the subsequent problems that came with trying to ignore it. All mixed with Joel spending more time with you and the people around you commenting on how unusual they thought it was. Today's last straw was simply. Hating feeling like Joel was treating you like a child contrasted badly with having this crush on him. Tommy was fine with you going out now. Why couldn’t Joel just do the same? 

Joel makes a move to grab your arm when Tommy finally steps in between the two of you. A hand on his shoulder, Tommy pulled his brother back out of your face, “Let’s take it down, now.” 

You didn’t want to hear it. You wanted time alone, to check your traps, go home to use one of them for a quiet dinner, and this was getting in the way of that. “I’m heading out, I’ll see you later Tommy.” 

Just as you turned away, Joel calls out to you, calmer than he was just seconds before. You didn’t say anything, but you just looked at him apprehensively. The anger had faded into something softer that you couldn’t identify. Brown eyes shining wide, with a concern behind them, a concern for an unknown reason. 

“You come back if you get into trouble, alright? One of us’ll go out with you in the morning.” Tommy had let go of his brother at this point and watched him with a thought filled expression. 

All you did was nod. The annoyance drained from your face and body, you just accepted his offer before turning and leaving. You didn’t look back to see Joel again, you didn’t want to. You just wanted things to be normal between you two, you wanted this stupid crush to go away forever. It was getting in the way of how you talked to him. 

Not 5 minutes into your journey, you felt a drop of water splash onto your cheek. Thinking nothing of it at first you kept going. Water gets trapped in the tree leaves and any breeze can send it down towards you, and it feels just like rain. 

Just as you were approaching your first trap, the water droplets picked up and turned into steady rainfall. Seconds later, it poured down. Heavy rain drenched you beyond compare instantly. The sun setting down below the view of the horizon, and the heavy rain made it hard to see more than a few feet in front of you. 

You didn’t really mind. It felt nice after almost getting into a fight with Joel. You some days used to travel the most during the rain, Clickers were less likely to find a home out in the open when it rained hard, and other survivors typically took shelter until it was done, so you could cover more ground without anyone or anything getting in your way. 

Besides, whatever had been caught in this trap got snatched up by something else. The remains of something was apparent, but not enough to tell you what you missed out on. That was fine, you had 3 other traps to check anyways. 

You reset it, and got up, continuing on to the next one. By the time you made your rounds and were headed back in the direction of Jackson, you had scored 2 squirrels, and a rabbit. Not great, but better than 4 empty traps. Wandering into town, you were debating your meal. After dealing with the squirrels, you thought the rabbit would do for tonight. Rabbit meat was too lean to be worth keeping in storage so you may as well use it well, now. 

Well, at least that was your plan until you passed by a certain grumpy southerner’s house. You heard him before you saw him, Joel’s loud and angry call of your name. This time his voice was angry without a doubt. More angry than he was before. Looking at you from his front door he yelled your name again, angrily beckoning you over with his hand. 

You didn’t even get within 6 feet of him before the yelling continued. “What the hell did you think you were doing?” 

What was he so mad about? “I’m fine, what are you talking about?” 

Joel pulled you out of the rain, just under his front door when you got within reach. Well, yanked was more like it. Pulled was too gentle of a term. “It’s been storming for a good hour and a half and you just hung out there this whole damn time?”

You could sense another fight brewing and desperately tried to swallow it down. “This is nothing, what are you talking about?” 

Just as you said it, a flash of lighting hit the sky. You hadn’t even realized. Once it got too dark you pulled your flashlight out anyways, you must have missed it. “There's barely any, it doesn’t matter.” 

“You’re out there alone in a thunderstorm and you think it’s no big deal? It started pouring just after you left you should have just come back, I’d have gone with you in the morning.” 

“Joel, I told you it was fine, I don’t care about getting wet!” 

Something flashed in Joel’s eyes, something dark that set your nerves alight, something you didn’t understand. “You don’t care until you wake up tomorrow, sick from being soaked for so long.” His voice was low, akin to the growl he sounded like earlier. His head leaning down right into your personal space. 

“Who cares?” Your voice was raised now, and that did not help. 

“I care, so why the fuck don’t you?” 

You had nothing to say, you just wanted to get your stuff and have a quiet night but every step of the way today Joel had been right there trying to get in the way of that. You sighed deeply, a hand coming to press against your forehead. You just pressed harder hoping somehow that would make this headache go away. 

“Can you yell at me tomorrow, I just,” You sighed deeply again, “I just want to go home.” You didn’t want to yell, or to fight with him. You were so exhausted with this growing tension between you and him. 

Joel looked you up and down, something brewing within him. He took a step towards you, saying your name with a gentle hum, as your eyes met his, he nodded to the side where his front door remained open. “Come on in, let me at least get you something dry.” 

When you hesitated, Joel's posture almost seemed to slouch. As if trying to make himself less threatening. "No more yelling. I promise."

Exhausted and drenched like a rat, you muttered a tiny, “Okay.” before following him inside. His house was just as cozy and warm feeling as ever, after a night in the rain. 

In the corner of your eye, you see Ellie on the couch, something in her hands that she quickly goes back to when she notices you spotted her stare. Curiously she stayed completely silent. No doubt she heard you two at the door, but says nothing. 

You and Joel go down the hallway, following him to a room closed shut at the end. Joel opens the door and gently waves for you to follow him in. It was for a brief moment, you hesitated. 

It hit you out of nowhere that you’ve never been inside a man's room before, let alone while being alone with him. It makes you freeze and you don’t quite know why, but you suck it up and follow inside. 

Joel was rummaging through a drawer of his, he pulls out a few pieces and walks over to hand them to you. “I’ll let you change, and we’ll get on drying those for you.” With that he leaves the room, pulling the door closed behind him. 

Joel’s room was warm. A cozy orange light that wasn’t too bright, curtains pulled halfway closed to let the patter of the rain splash the visible window, a heavy blanket draped across his bed, and near the wall, his guitar gently sat against a bookcase. You look at the clothes in your hand, a T Shirt of his and what appeared to be sweatpants with a drawstring to adjust the waist. 

It felt like a daunting task, slowly peeling off your clothes in the middle of Joel’s room. Your eyes glancing to the side at the door as if it would fly open at any moment, but it doesn't. So all you do is quickly throw on the replacing clothing as soon as yours was off, like you shouldn’t spend too much time undressed in here. 

Once you rejoin Joel in the living room, wet clothes folded awkwardly in your hands, he’s talking quietly with Ellie, too low for your ears to catch. Joel looks up, and just stares. Neither of you move, your eyes feel snapped to his face, which is staring at you so hard it’s almost right through you. Breaking the silence, Joel leans down to his companion. 

“Ellie takes her clothes to dry them out, would you?” The teen nods, and takes the clothes from you and leaves into another room. 

Joel nods his head to some unheard thought of his, before shaking it off and moving to the table. Pulling out a chair he waves you over, “May as well feed you if I’m gonna spend all day arguing with you.” 

 Taking a seat, you finally smell cooking in the air. “What about my tra-”

“Ellie’s handling it, she needs the practice anyways.” Joel comes around with two plates, and places yours down as he takes his own seat at the small table. “Not so warm anymore, but it’s better than freezing.” 

You’re not sure how much you want to admit it, but you’re so cold that he could have told you the food was blazing hot and in comparison, you’d probably just believe it. Everything feels so precarious being alone with Joel right now. You don’t quite understand why he got so mad, but you don’t want to bring it up in case it makes him mad again. 

You’re not scared of him, but you are worried of ruining whatever peace you two seem to have found since you stepped into his house. Joel sits in the other chair, not having touched his own food yet, but holding his drink glass tightly. So tightly that you can see the tension in his knuckles, like as long as the glass doesn’t break he won’t either. So you just eat, and lose yourself in the silence. 

Turns out he couldn’t hold the silence for very long. Before he’s even moved to have a bite, Joel says your name. “Why didn’t you just come back? I told you I’d even go with you in the morning.” He’s calmer than before, but still tense. 

The fork in your hand taps the plate lightly as you try to figure out how to say it. “I’m just used to doing things during storms. No one else typically wants to travel during them, so I just got used to taking advantage of it.” 

“Yeah, except yo-” 

You cut Joel off almost right away, “I also maybe needed some time alone, and when you showed up, I just knew you were going to offer to come. But I needed time to myself, without you.” 

If the way you phrased that hurt him, Joel doesn’t show it in his face, but you back track regardless. “I don’t mean I didn’t want to be around you, at least, not in that way.” You take a long breath, chest visibly rising and lowering with it. “Being around you is confusing sometimes. A lot of times.” 

He doesn’t speak, but he shifts his body to face you more directly. His head moving to catch your downward gaze, dark eyes watching yours, narrowing just slightly to figure you out. So you continue. “One day we get along great, and then the next it’s like I’m walking a fine line around you trying to, trying to like, keep you from hating me.” 

It’s out, and now you can’t stop. “I can never figure out what I’m doing around you. Like tonight, I was out in a storm for what? Not even 2 hours, and I come back and you’re yelling at me like you think I’m a goddamn child who doesn’t know any better.” Finally you’re looking him in the eye, and like before, something flashes in his expression that you can’t quite figure out. 

“I know you're not a child.” Joel almost shakes his head in exasperation. “Trust me. I know.”

“Then what? You know I’m an adult but you just wish you could order me around like a kid? That it? Because you're kind of protectiveness lately always feels like you’re just lecturing a dumb kid who doesn’t know any better. I don’t know if you’ve noticed Joel, but I can take care of myself. I have for a very long time.” The eye contact is seething right now, you’re mad, but Joel is..something else. 

Moving his body to lean into your personal space, his voice comes out in a husky whisper. “Let’s get one thing clear, I’m not and have never tried or wanted to treat you like a child. Far from. If I saw you as a kid, I’d just treat you like I do when Ellie acts out, and teach you to know better.”  He breathes in through his nose deeply before he speaks again, “There are other ways to get to listen.” 

Lips parted slightly, your lungs suddenly feel shallow, and that warmth flows through your veins like fire. It’s not the same feeling like before, no this was a sensation you know you can put a name too. Like the combination of his words, the deep quiet tone of his voice you’ve come to adore, and his eyes boring into yours as if the answers to everything he wants are there. 

It’s a rush you feel fly through your whole body, leaving a shiver in its place as it passes, and finds a home directly between your legs. 

Joel though, means more to you then is worth jumping to conclusions. You have no real idea what he wants or meant, but that doesn’t stop your mouth from speaking before you could even hear yourself do so. “This is nothing. You want a brat?I could show you a brat.” 

What did you just say? What is wrong with you? What are you trying to do here? You take a long sip of the water before you, a desperate reprieve from the thick air surrounding you. It's a fruitless effort, because Joel's eyes are right there watching you once you look back. 

“There’s a line here sweetheart, and I’m damn close to just pulling you over it myself.” The flash in his eyes isn’t just a flash now, it’s a continuous bombardment towards you, and maybe it’s just a little too overwhelming. 

Not knowing if his slight shift towards your body had any intention other than to speak, you shoot up from your seat, turning away to face the main room  and miss the instant shift of concern in his eyes as he follows suit. You force the words out without the stammer, but it’s draped in an uncertainty that you wish you could hide. 

“I should get my stuff and go, I’ll just wear my wet clothes home. No reason to ruin your stuff you know? Not like I live too far away, anyways,” Quick and desperate voice trailing off into nothing as you see Joel approaching you, an arm outstretched towards you palms up, as if you’re a horse he’s afraid of spooking. 

“Hey, take a breath for me.” You nod as you do so, in and out, willing your nerves to settle. Joel finds himself right in front of you, looking down at you, his arms raise slowly, a firm hold on your arms as his head leans in to speak quietly. “Listen, I’m not here to push something you don’t want. If you want to head home, that’s okay, but-” 

“I don’t. I just…I’m not sure if you..” The words are in your head but not your mouth. Joel seems to know what they are nonetheless.

He trails his hands down your arms, one coming to his side gesturing to his room, and the other moving to find a gentle home on your back. “I think we should have a talk, sweetheart. In private.” 

His voice turns strangely commanding right as he stops speaking, but you follow his now distracted eyeline just in time to see a head of long hair disappear around a corner. It’s enough to make you smirk, Joel looks at you, and it’s enough for him too. 

Back in his bedroom, he nudges you in before him, so he can close the door behind him. You stand motionless in the middle of his room, eyes wide as you watch him bypass you and take a seat on the edge of his bed. 

Your name comes out firmly, “Before I say anything else, I need you to know that there’s things going on here that you don’t know about, but I want you to just stay here and listen.” 

You nod, arms crossed over your torso protectively.

“Tommy’s not one to just give away other people’s secrets. Neither is Maria, but they’re involved enough to pester me about certain things I’m not good at doing myself. So when he comes around spilling your secrets it’s not because he wanted to embarrass you.” 

Your eyes could pop out of your face at the realisation you were having. He knew. He fucking knew. “How did Tommy-” 

“Maria probably told him the same day you told her.” You almost got out asking why, before he shifts to lean a bit more over his thighs, hands splayed out on them in a way you suspect is as much a protective move as your arms wrapped around your torso. “They knew how I feel about you, and figured telling me may finally get my ass in gear to do something about it.” 

The look in your eyes soften, but remain wide open, and lips part in a disbelieving quiet gasp. “How you..feel?” 

“If you’re going to feel that way about me, I’m either the best or the worst option. I’m not exactly an expert at talking about how the people around me make me feel,” His hand pointing lazily at who you both knew was somewhere outside his door. “So I get how you feel, but it also means it takes months of my brother and his wife nagging to get me to do something.” 

You had so many thoughts, but only one you needed an answer to. “Why get so angry with me sometimes? If you are saying what I think you’re saying, why be so mad at me?"

A voice suddenly shouts through the door, “He doesn’t know how to show affection otherwise!” Joel stands up and opens the door at record speed.

You don’t hear what he tells her, but you see a variety of arm gestures being made just beyond your view of the door. Followed by what sounds like a very smug Ellie saying something about leaving him alone before what you presume is her bedroom door shutting. 

When closing the door again and turning to you, Joel finds you with a hand over your mouth. Doing a very poor job at hiding your laughter, Joel smiles slightly and his hands find a home on his hips. “I can’t say that she's wrong, actually. She would know that best.” 

A giggle threatens to spill over you, the tension finally coming to a simmer from its blazing heat. You shrug one shoulder, eyeing him with a playful but challenging smirk “Well if you just don’t know any better, maybe I should let you yell at me more often.” 

His voice hits you almost late, like you see him reach you in such a small amount of strides, his gruff tone hits you almost when he’s already right in front of you. “You want me to show you better?” 

He’s close now. So close you have to look up to meet his eyes. Whatever he searches for in your eyes, he seems to find it, and you suspect it’s a lot like what you keep seeing in his. A hand wraps its grip on your hip, while the other tilts your chin with a hold he controls. “Say no to me at any time. Okay? This isn’t just about me.” 

And your relationship takes a turn it can never return from. You feel Joel pull on your chin, while his own head leans in and finds your lips. 

Whatever you imagined kissing was like, kissing Joel kicked those thoughts out and found a new home in your heart. His kiss was soft, such an utterly soft feeling as his lips move against you, but also incredibly demanding. He moved you how he wanted to move you, deepening how hard he kissed you, and teased you just on the edge opening you up.

His grip on your hip tightens as he pulls your body against his, the hand on your chin drifting  all across your jaw to hold your neck. Hands so big they encompass the side of your face as well. The gasp you let out gives him his opening. His tongue finding yours, still teasing, as if he can’t decide between kissing you rougher and exploring your own tongue. So he switches between both. 

The scruff on his jaw and moustache burns against your skin. You’d never feel the same after feeling it against your smooth skin. 

You’re hands out of pure reaction, held lightly at his thick sides, but just as he moves from your hip to pull the other side of your face in a rough kiss, his nose pressed tightly against the side of yours, your own hands move. Refusing to even leave him, your hands move up against his chest and find a home grasping the back of his neck like it’s a lifeline. 

Your addicted to the feeling of his lips moulding against yours but you’re light headed. So lightheaded. Pulling back with a loud gasp of breath, Joel’s need rumbles against his chest, “Fuck.” He yanks you right back into him so harshly your teeth bash together. He doesn’t even seem to notice, he just turns you in the room. 

You couldn’t say where you were at all or where he was directing you, but right as both his hands leave you to grasp onto your hips, they just as soon push you into the plush bed. 

Joel’s hand rubs down his face before curling against his mouth, watching your chest heave to catch your breath. You lean up on your hands splayed behind you to whisper his name. The second it takes for him to join you feels like an eternity. Climbing up a knee at a time, finding its place on each side of your closed legs. 

At the same instant, you both lean into the other, Joel’s hands resting on your waist, you laying one hand in the middle of his collarbone, the other wrapping to grasp the back of his neck and pull his lips back onto yours. His teeth scrapes against your lips, biting down on them, only to follow with a smirk at the breathy whine you cry out. 

Joel moves his hand from your neck downwards, to feel the softness of your skin, pushing, grasping, and pulling at the plushness. Rougher and rougher with every shift of his hands, his patience serms to find a limit. He pulls from your lips just enough to coax your eyes to look at his. “You still want this? Cus I can’t promise you I’ll remember to be gentle if this goes any further.” 

Your eyes drift back to his mouth, so pouty and slightly flushed from the force. You can barely pull away from the sight long enough to look up and answer. “So don’t be, Joel.” 

For a moment, Joel just leans his forehead against yours, your arms all holding still against each other. He kisses you with a force that pushes your body back, and he pulls away just as quick to lift your shirt up and off you. The uninteresting sports bra beneath it does little for Joel's patience just getting in the way of his need to feel your soft bare skin. Before you can even think about moving your arms back around him, Joel yanks the sports bra up and over your head, chucking it to whatever direction his arm manages to find. 

He doesn’t ogle. His patience has no time for that right now. He pushes your body the rest of the way down into his bed, as he holds the hair at the back of your head in a tight grasp, with the other coming between your bodies to grasp your tits just as tightly. Each gasp and whine you give him, just allows his tongue to find yours again. 

It took nothing but simply being exposed to harden your nipples, but Joel isn’t satisfied with just that. His thumbs caress over them for mere moments before finding a hold and pulling them. The sting so shockingly good feeling, you cry out a moan that sounds awfully like a very high pitched “Oh God,” 

His other hand leaves your hair to grip and pull at your other breast, each nipple feeling a tight pull over and over. Joel leaves your mouth and trails itself down your neck and joins his hands. His facial hair scraping against your skin with the same addictive burn. 

A man possessed, Joel wastes no time in replacing the fingers pulling your nipples with his mouth. Your chest betrays you and lifts up to meet him even closer, It’s a sweet suck of lips and mouth, only to bite down. He bites and he bites while the other hand caresses your other breast, reaching up to tease your unattended to nipple in much the same fashion. 

His legs encompass yours, but your thighs desperate to feel more try and open up for him. Your outer thighs brushing against the inside of his, he lifts up from your entirely to take one leg and shoving it outside of his hold. He doesn’t return to you, he just looks at your heaving body, one hand holding your upper thigh when it moved you, the other dragged itself down to the very top of your pants, gripping the very top seams in its own desperate question. 

The second he spots your own hands moving to get them off yourself, Joel gathers a hold and yanks them off of you. Just one small fabric keeping you from showing him what he desires the most, he lets your legs move to find a home against his sides and hips, finding your mouth with a hold on your jaw, the other gripping the sides of your underwear like it offends him. 

The sound of your kiss is only interrupted by a growling breath and whining need as he pulls them tight up between your legs from the stretch only to threaten to come off from the push and pull. He’s had enough. He’s tearing them down your legs and leaving your legs out and spreading to bare all of you to him. Before the insecurity can  have a hold on you for even a second, he rubs against your thighs soothingly. “Don’t even think about it, sweetheart. Don’t you hide any of this gorgeous fucking sight from me.”

Joel moves in, only for your body to shoot up with a hand on his chest. You gaze at each other for a moment as he feels you go for the buttons. Before unfastening the first one just at the bit of chest he always seems to show, you hesitate. Looking up at him with a sweet, “Please?” 

Joel leans in to capture your lips in a much more sensual kiss before nodding. “Go ahead, sweet girl.” He just watches you undo each button. Your eyes glued to the sight of his torso with each little exposed skin until you reach the bottom button. Undoing it your hands push the fabric aside to hold the exposed stomach at your reach when Joel holds your chin in his hand gently once more. 

Fingers sliding along as he moves and stands up on the floor before you. Not a word is spoken as he watches you, his brown eyes barely blinking as he stares at your body as if he’d forget what it looks like if he looked away. Joel pulls the rest of his shirt open and lets it fall to the ground, his hands finding his belt. 

There it was, what he was looking for. As Joel pulls his belt open, and unzips himself, he sees you clench. Legs still wide open, Joel watches your pussy clench around nothing like it's desperate to fit him. 

In mere moments Joel is just as naked as you are, and you were not ready. His body broad and thick, strong muscles give way to a softer stomach that sits deliciously and unapologetically without flexing abs to show off. But it’s beneath that, that you cannot look away from. His cock sits hard and thick between his legs, a length that makes your mouth ache just looking at, and a thick girth that has your fingers holding the sheets below you tightly. 

Joel doesn’t return to you just yet, his eyes impossibly dark, nostrils flared in an audible breathing, Joel fists the base of his cock tightly for a moment before he’s suddenly right over your legs, face level with your stomach. 

His cock pressed up against the sheets, one hand reaching to grasp your ass and pull your hips to him, with the other pushing a thigh out to make room for his broad size. Joel pulls your hips up closer as he presses his nose up against your mound, taking in your scent when he calls you, “Look at me, sweet girl. You gonna let me taste you? The way I’ve always fucking wanted?” 

A thought passes through your head, but it gets pushed down right away. It’s not the time for that line of thinking. You’ll deal with it later, all that matters right now is the furious nodding of your head, “Anything,” You try to open up more for him, “Fuck Joel anything you want.” 

Anything? He takes the anything he wants. Joel licks you up to your clit in one slide of his tongue, taking your clit into his mouth to suck and tongue at. The feeling is like fire, its burning white hot and your arms give you, your back  flat against the bed. 

Joel licks and drinks at every slick drop you have for him, and finally he devours your cunt just the way he wants. He’s everywhere, his tongue is inside you too much yet not far enough, and you need his mouth on you more but it’s so much that you writhe desperately. He works you over with his mouth for a while, building you up for an unknown amount of time. 

It could have been minutes or hours, you lost all senses that aren’t him. One hand above your head grips the pillow it finds, while the other hand tries to simulate his push and pull of your tits. The pull of your nipple both isn’t enough without him and yet it seems to even match every tug of your clit his mouth gives you. 

Joel doesn’t let his mouth leave any part of your cunt out of his actions, it’s so overwhelming you don’t realise what’s built up until it’s at your door. Suddenly it’s there, this burning tension alights right where Joel devours you, it warms and tightens so fast your cry out is almost followed by tears. 

His hands hold your hips firm right up against his mouth, “Fuck, come on, give me it,” You can’t hear him well, but you feel him speak against you. He takes and takes and doesn’t stop until he knows you can’t give him anymore. 

He doesn’t wipe his mouth, doesn’t clean you off, Joel just drapes his body over you and forces you to taste yourself from his own mouth. You hold his shoulders and neck like you can’t afford to let go, and he uses the chance to slide his fingers down. 

You only realise his intentions when they brush against your sensitive clit. They don’t linger though, your pussy is soaking wet from your own doing and his mouth, giving his fingers a home without issue. 

Two of Joel's thick fingers pump in and out of your soaking hot center, letting you cry into his mouth as he kisses you just as demanding as his fingers fuck you. They shift slightly as he rubs his nose against yours muttering, “There you are,” And suddenly his two fingers brush against a part of you that makes your cunt weep for him. He doesn’t let up either, he’s found your sweet spot and his fingers fuck up against it with little mercy. 

You moan and gasp against his mouth, his name the only word he can even make out. Joel separates from your lips and nudges his nose against your cheek, “One more, sweetheart. I need one more, then I’ll let you have me, come on, I need you to cum one more time before I make it cum around my cock.” Joel just keeps talking and talking and you can’t stop him. “Give me one more, and I’ll fuck you so full of me, give you every fucking inch and you’re going to take it, aren't you?” 

You’re almost there, your orgasm rushing into you faster then you could ever imagine, “Yes, yes please. Please Joel, I’ll take it.” 

The palm of his hands rub right up against your clit to push you over, “Gonna cum for me, sweet girl?” 

You can’t even answer him, you just hold any part of his body you can find as your head takes refuge in his chest. Riding your orgasm struggling to catch your breath. Slowly Joel slips his fingers out of you, soaked and sticky with you, lips brushing yours with small kisses, “Good girl.”  

Joel wraps his soaked hand around his cock, spreading it all over him, stroking up and down with rough strokes. He gives you one more bruising kiss, before he kneels up, wrapping your legs properly at his hips, stroking his cock right up until it’s pressed against your entrance. 

If Joel sees any hesitation in your eyes, he doesn’t let it take over you. One hand holds his cock right up against you, the other grabs your hand. Bringing it up to his mouth, he gives it a gentle kiss before holding it against his heart. “I’ve got you, sweetheart. I’ve got you.” 

He places your hand down to join the other one of yours around holding his sides, and with a push of his hips, it’s all over for you. 

Every inch of his cock pushes into you like there’s only just enough room to fit him, but you feel it hitting every single part of you in a hot overwhelming pleasure. Only halfway in, Joel grapes your hips ready to move them, “You gonna take all of me, sweetheart? Gonna let my cock feel every part of this,” Joel teeth grit together with a hiss, “this sweet cunt?” 

You can only beg him, and that’s all he needs. Joel holds your hips up at his, and thrusts the rest of his cock into you. It’s a brutal pounding pace that's set. Joel slams his cock into you while pulling you hips back onto him like he can’t settle for just one thing.

He groans and gives such deep low moans to match your high pitched crying ones. The only other sound being the harsh slap of his skin against yours with each rough thrust. It’s not fast but it’s certainly not slow, each pull of his cock gives you only enough time to gasp in a breath before it’s forced back out when he shoves his cock back into you. 

“I’m, Joel- fuck,” There’s no comprehensible thoughts, it’s him, it’s his cock hitting every right part of your cunt, it’s the obscene slapping skin as he slams into you, and the mixing moans from both of you, and nothing else. 

Suddenly Joel yanks your hips to follow hips, your legs wrap around his body, finding a home around him, one at his waist, the other wrapped around his leg that you can reach like you’ll fly away without it. His hands push at your thighs, opening them wide, stinging in pain  to give him the most he can offer. 

Part of him wants to watch your tits bounce with every slam of his cock, he can fuck you so much faster like this, but he cant help but constantly watch how well your take him. Giving neither of you any reprieve from the overwhelming burning pleasure. You grasp the sides of his face, leaning up just enough to feel his forehead against yours, and a brush of your lips against his. 

He’s gritted and tight in his jaw, eyes shutting from the feeling, brow furrowed in intense sensations, but he opens his eyes when he feels your cunt clench tightly against his cock, just as they did his fingers. “That's it,”

Joel loses his steady pace as his hips simply start pounding in a desperate search for your end. He captures your lips again and spits out your name in need, “You can do it, sweet girl, you can give me one last one.” 

Your nails dig into his skin as you feel yourself coiling, knowing it’ll break you when it releases. “You- you need, I want your,” Whines and cries stops your sentence but Joel knows. 

Joel wraps his hand around to grasp your ass in a painful hold, the other gripping the back of your head, tight and commanding, “You first, cum one more time for me, then I’ll give it all to you.” His cock pounds into you without any purpose but fast and urgent need. 

It's so blinding when your final orgasm hits you, it’s too much, he’s too much and you can’t hold on anymore. You choke out Joel’s name as you hold onto his neck as he hits his own peak. 

Joel pulls his cock from your tight cunt just as he moans out your own name, face burying itself in your neck with panting breath. His cum shoots out just as he slips from you, and paints your cunt and stomach as he strokes every last bit of it out. 

You both stay there for a while, how long you can’t be sure. But when Joel comes up from his home in your neck, his hands gently find your waist and cheek with his hands, gentle caressing as he pulls you into another kiss. This one much calmer than the rest, this one soft but full of a matching emotion you both pour into the other. 

Joel warns you before he moves from your hold, a kiss to your forehead, “Stay right here, I’ll be right back.”

Your arm reaches out before he leaves your touch totally, and he leans back in, “Hey, I’m just gonna clean you up, I’ve got you, I told you.”  You nod, eyes not fully open, exhausted your fingers graze his entire arm as he gets up. 

Joel returns just as fast with a soft touch of cloth to your skin, damp with warm water he is careful not to press too much on the sensitive skin between your legs as he cleans you of his cum.

For a moment, your body leans up on your elbows as you look at him, walking back to you, before stopping just before the bed and grabbing his shirt he pulled off of your body. You freeze in your spot. Does he want you to leave now? Is this it? 

He doesn't let it linger for long, he sits on the bed facing you, “Come here, sweetheart.” You realise he only has the t-shirt to put on you. He helps it over your exhausted head and down back to cover you up a bit. He moves your legs to slip underneath the blanket before slipping on the soft pants he had previous given you.  

Turning the only light off, Joel slips into the bed right beside you. Whatever moonlight that peaks through the storm clouds gives just enough light to see the other. You turn your own body to touch at his chest and his cheek, your thumb stroking back and forth against the scruff. 

His hand finds your own face in return, bringing his face down to kiss you once more, and maneuvering you into laying right up into his chest, both of you facing the other, held tenderly in eachothers arms. 

You slip into sleep before him, you think maybe you heard him say your name, saying something soft into your hair, but at the feeling of lips against the top of your head you finally slip into a slumber.

You wake up briefly only a few hours later, a crack of thunder just loud enough to pull you awake. The blanket gives you a soft, heavy weight it should be enough to lull you back to sleep, but the warmth of Joel’s body wrapping you up in his sleeping arms keeps you awake longer then you should be.  

The soreness between your legs brings back the thought you pushed away from your mind so quickly earlier. You think to yourself in that moment, wrapped up in Joel’s safe embrace. You should have told him. 

He made sure more than once you were okay with him, and he made it clear his intentions to be rough. But he also didn’t know when he said that. It’s not that you’ve just never had a crush before. You don’t necessarily need feelings for the physical part. 

You're not naive. You understand clearly how this all works, nothing came as a surprise when it got physical. You've explored your own body on safe quiet nights.

You’ve just never done any of it with another person. Not a kiss, never being touched like he did, never had sex. You know he wouldn’t have been so rough, so demanding, if he knew, but you treasured every second of it. 

This isn’t how you imagined any relationship you would ever have to go. You didn’t know what it would be, but that day? That day you first arrived in Jackson, and this large brooding man with a demanding presence that barreled into the building wasn’t what you expected. 

Joel wasn’t in your survival plans, a normal pursued relationship not being accounted for at any time in your planning. But he was here, and you were here. He was right, you know it. He has you now, but you also have him. And that’s all you decide matters right now. 

One of his arms around you, moves to stoke at the top of your head and pull you closer into his warm chest. Voice so gruff and muffled with sleep you can only hear him because he is in your ear. He catches your name, “Stop thinking so loud, come here and just sleep, sweetheart.” 

So you do. You snuggle in closer to Joel, and fall back asleep in the only place you’ve ever truly belonged. 

[maltesejjong]

Its my first time putting a request so I'll try to sum it up!!

Could you make a bangchan x f!reader? Where yn and Chan have been trying for a child for abt 2 years they've had 3 or 4 miscarriages and after a long time, they have 2 beautiful twins!! (You don't have to do it if you don't want to!! Your health comes first 💗)

OMG ilysm for this. Thank you for being my first request, and thank you for trusting me to be your first request! Before I go any further, though, I want to touch on a few things with this one. First off: this is a very real thing that doesn’t get talked about enough . Miscarriages happen and there is no shame. If you have ever lost a baby before, please know that you are stronger than you think, and that you did nothing to deserve such a loss. Secondly: this is a major fear of mine. I want nothing more than to be a mother. I have had three moms throughout my life and I want to be able to give someone the love and protection the first two didn’t give me. I’m also the mom friend so yeah lmao. Finally, to all the moms out there, or those who would have been moms if not for this loss: thank you for all you do. You deserve more than what you have because you truly do the most unappreciated task in the world. You bring children into the world and give them life, regardless of if you lost the baby, there was still a life force that you created. That is an amazing accomplishment. I apologize ahead of time if any of that seemed insensitive but please know you are loved and appreciated. You are not alone🫶🏽🫶🏽🫶🏽

ONTO THE POST!

Warnings: mentions of miscarriages, that’s pretty much it. You’re married to Chan, afab!reader. Pure fluff! Oh, and mentions of girl dad Chan idk bout y’all but girl dad Chan needs a warning because he’s TOO DAMN MUCH ISTG HE IS A GIRL DAD

There’s a time skip bc I was lazy and wasn’t sure what to write as filler lol I’m sorry😭😭

Wc: Idek I didn’t count

Enjoy 😊

꒰ঌ(⃔ ⌯' '⌯)⃕໒꒱

You sigh and drop your head back to rest on the cabinet behind you. It had been almost two whole hours since you laid the damp stick on the counter and slid down to sit on the cool tiled floor. You had been feeling nauseous lately, but chalked it up to something you ate.

Until you realized you’re late.

By three weeks.

Three. Whole. Weeks.

You’re never late.

So, of course, you decided to take a pregnancy test.

While your husband was at work.

It’s not that you don’t want Chan to know. It’s just… after so long, after trying for this long, all the disappointment and heartache that came with each failed pregnancy, you learned to avoid the topic of kids. Specifically kids of your own. As much as you both want kids, the hardship of discovering each miscarriage broke your spirits.

So you’ve learned not to get his hopes up. Which is why you keep a secret stash of pregnancy tests. Because no matter what, you always get your hopes up when you realize what is most likely going on with your body.

You close your eyes, trying to relax your mind when your phone buzzes, bringing you out of your thoughts.

💙channie💙: hey princess. I’m on my way home

You: alright babe

💙channie💙: want anything from the store?

You: ice cream?

💙channie💙: ofc baby. I’ll see you soon love you

You: love you too. Drive safe💞

Sighing, you put your phone down, knowing you need to get this over with before he gets home. You slide your thumb over the diamond on your left hand before pushing yourself up to look at the results of the test.

“Shit,” you mutter. “I knew it.”

Four months later

You let out a sigh as the doctor spreads the cold gel across your belly, which, despite being four months pregnant, has stayed suspiciously flat. Hence why Chan never caught on.

“How’s the morning sickness?” Dr. Kim asks.

“Gone,” you say.

“Any general nausea?”

You shake your head. “Only when I sit or stand up too fast.”

He nods and hums to himself. “Any cramping? Abnormal bleeding?”

“None,” you happily reply.

His eyes flick up to yours. “Have you told your husband yet?”

You close your eyes. “No,” you whisper. “And please don’t hint to him.”

“Like I would,” the doctor scoffs.

Dr. Kim, as he is known at work, is one of your closest friends. The only time you ever call him Dr anything is when you’re in his office. Outside these walls, he’s just Seungmin to you. Your best friend since high school. He’s also the first person you tell when you’ve gotten pregnant in the past… and the first to know when you lost the baby.

“I can’t tell him, Min,” you say quietly.

“Why’s that?”

You feel your eyes start to burn. “What if I lose another one?”

Seungmin stops what he’s doing and grabs your hand. “Y/n, do you realize how long it’s been? It’s been four months. In the past, it only lasted half of that. I think it’s safe to tell him. You’re more than halfway through your pregnancy. Doesn’t he deserve to know?”

You bite your lip. “I don’t want to get his hopes up, though. It would crush him.”

“And it wouldn’t crush you?”

You blink back tears.

“Y/nnie, this is why you’re married. In sickness and in health, remember? You’re with each other through thick and thin. If this is gonna crush him, then let it crush you too. It’s okay to go through that. I understand protecting him, but have you ever considered that he wants to do the same to you, but he can’t? Let him in. Let it hurt if it ends up hurting. But you’ll heal together.”

“Minnie… as a professional… do you…?”

He understands your unfinished question. “Yes, love,” he says, eyes softening. “I think it’ll make it. So tell him.”

You take a deep breath and nod. “I will.”

*************

You feel something tickle your shoulder and sleepily roll away from it. But it returns, traveling up to your neck.

“Mmm,” you groan tiredly.

“Morning, beautiful,” Chan whispers against your skin.

You roll over to face him. “Morning,” you reply, feeling a loopy grin stretch across your face. You sigh contentedly when his hand slides up your waist and rests there, holding you close. You peek up at him, recognizing the glimmer in his eyes. “What?”

His dimples appear. “Nothing,” he instantly replies. “You’re just so pretty.”

You squint at him. “Is that all?”

“What? I can’t call you pretty?”

“Christopher Chan, I know that look in your eyes. Out with it.”

He props himself up on one elbow, half hovering over you. “I was thinking…”

“Oh boy, that’s never good,” you tease, reaching up to tangle your fingers in his soft black hair.

He closes his eyes in bliss for a moment, than takes a deep breath. “What do you think about adopting?”

You go still. “What?”

“Adoption. I don’t know I just think maybe it’s time to add another member to the family?”

You bite your lip. “But… baby. We already have another addition to the family.”

He looks at you, obviously confused off his ass. “We do?”

You nod, steeling yourself. “Well… it might take a bit but… yeah we do…”

“Love, what are you talking about? It’s not a very long process. Did you pick one out without telling me?”

You feel your eyes widen as you realize he’s not talking about the same thing you are. “Channie, what are you on about?”

“I asked you first.”

You shake your head. “Not until you spill.”

“A dog, babe. What else?”

“A… a dog?” You ask in exasperation. “I thought you were talking about a child, Christopher.”

“No…?” You watch his eyebrows join together in thought. “Wait. Back up. We already have another addition? What is that supposed to mean?”

Shit. “Umm…” you start to consider saying you actually did pick out a dog already. “Nothing.”

“No no no no no. Nah-uh. Y/n. What did you mean?”

You shake your head, refusing to answer.

“Fine then.” His hands meet your shoulders and he pushes you into your back, hovering over you. “You don’t wanna talk? Fine. Then I’m not getting up.” And he plops down on top of you, dead weight.

Of course, it hurts. Hurts even more considering you have an extra little someone residing in you. “Shut,” you yelp. “Chan get off.”

There’s something in your tone that makes him shoot up. “Are you okay? Did I hurt you?”

You shake your head. “Not… not me…”

“Then who…” as his voice trails off, so do his eyes, until they land on your stomach. “Fuck. Wait. No.” He looks up at you. “No. Baby. What?”

You bite your lip and nod. “Yes.”

“Shit. I…” he places a hand on your stomach. “I— I could’ve hurt you,” he whispers, staring down at your tummy.

“Baby, look at me. Please?” He does and you cup his face in your hands. “It’s okay. I’m okay. It’s alright.”

He bites his lip. “Are… are you sure?”

You nod.

“How long?”

“Four… four months,” you whisper.

He blinks. Five times. “What?”

You nod. “I had an appointment with Minnie and he said everything looks fine. He said that I just have a late developing baby bump. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I just didn’t want us to get our hopes up… But Min said that since it’s been so long and I’m already more than halfway there…”

Chan’s eyes light up. “There’s a chance?”

“A very high one. You aren’t mad?”

“Mad?”

“That I didn’t tell you sooner.”

He shakes his head. “Baby. No. I’m not mad love. I understand your hesitation to tell me. Truly.”

You blink. “Why are you so calm right now?” You bury your face in his arm, which is still planted next to your head. “I feel like I’m freaking out and I want to cry and… God I don’t even know.”

He presses a kiss to your hair. “Because I know freaking out won’t help you and staying calm is the best way to process this.”

You sigh. “Why are you so perfect?”

“Just part of the charm. Besides, I have two princesses to take care of; I can’t let myself be anything less than that.”

You turn to face him. “Two?” You ask, raising your eyebrow.

He smiled sheepishly. “I feel like it’s gonna be a girl.”

You hmmm in thought. “What if it’s a boy?”

“Then I’ll still be nothing less than perfect. I’m just saying I think it’ll be a girl.”

“I think you just want to be a girl dad,” you tease lovingly.

He blushes slightly. “Maybe.” He leans forward and nuzzles your neck. “I think id be a great girl dad.”

You kiss the side of his head. “I think you’d be a great anything dad.”

“We got this,” he whispers against your neck. “We always do.”

You wrap your arms around him. “You still want to adopt?”

He chuckles. “Babe, you just told me we’re having a baby, and now you want to add a puppy in the mix?”

You shrug. “Why not? We’re growing our family, right?”

He nods against you.

“So then let’s grow it.”

@linoalwaysknows Tysm again for submitting the request

[chiquititaosita]

girl dad! geto x mom! reader

-literally cannot I MEAN CANNOT!!! Mimiko and Nanako LOVE THE BABY! Like not even joking they think of her as a baby doll.

- geto puts his little princess in braids and cute hairstyles because of post partum depression. He takes charge sometimes

-“what do I do? Why is it crying?” He asked a little worried. While baby girl yuikiko is throwing herself back and closing her fists as a newborn. She’s so hungry. The nurse explains everything to him. He takes it with a grain of salt.

-takes care of you during pregnancy and your postpartum journey

-the first diaper change is hilarious. “Oh my god!-“ hello covers his mouth gagging looking away as the baby laughs. Because she has a full poopy diaper.

-the twins just laugh, when geto struggles changing yukikos diaper. “Ah little flower is going to give me a hard time.” He mumbles.

-he doesn’t understand what breast milk is until you were legit breastfeeding. “Wait can I try some?” Mother fucker inhaled that shit because it was pleasing to the tongue. puts it in his protein shake 😭

-if you feel insecure about your new mom body he’s not going to be the type of husband that says “fuck get over it.”

-he keeps on admiring your body, like when y’all had y’all’s first time together. “I have so much more respect for you now [y/n]..” he’ll whisper

-one time you came home from work watching the twins, the baby and Suguru all fall asleep, luckily the baby was alive and breathing well. Even sleeping in the portable bassinet around the house.

-is so proud that yukikos first word is mama but when he hears dada he goes feral crying. It’s giving “I’m not crying you are!”

- he is willing to teach his girls his techniques in order to defend themselves when geto is not present.

- now he calls y’all’s daughter a monkey “y/n! this damn monkey baby is putting things it’s in mouth!”

-(when the baby learns to pull hair he regrets it) “okay okay I’m sorry it’s a her my bad!!” 💀

- like fr though he loves your daughter even when she eats her food in nothing but a diaper and strapped in a high chair because she’s exploring taste and texture

-“I’m gonna protect you from everything that’ll potentially and will put you in danger on your mama.”

- one time he let gojo babysit it did not end well (he lost her by almost sealing her with another curse because he wasn’t watching her while she was crawling around) 😭😭

- the baby is very much a daddy’s girl so whatever baby girl wants baby girl gets

-also he holds your hand while holding the baby when she gets her ears pierced. (He shedded more tears than the baby) then the baby was fine after she was given a bottle of milk.

-“she’s fine?”

-the baby tries to hit Suguru for no damn reason ON PURPOSE (when she’s a bit older and can move her arms during that development)

-“OW SHE BIT ME!” the twins will laugh

-the twins will try to feed the baby baby food but wanna watch the baby feed herself.

-“ why is yukiko eating her foot?”

-“ask y/n”

-“why is yukiko eating her foot?”

-“I think she discovered it”

-he’s there for every milestone and trying to record it.

-lots of pictures and videos of the baby with the girls and you.

-when the baby is tired and screaming crying, and you’re not there singing to her. Suguru discovered his singing soothes the baby (regardless if it sounds bad on purpose or not) or if he sings bad lmao

-and geto would never want anything to change because he loves his little family

[sageistri]

Jimin had a solo era where he had 10 days of mostly local promo except for Jimmy Fallon for his 6 song EP (1 b-side + 1 title track) in Mar 2023 + 1 collab (with Kodak and Jvke) in the F&F movie franchise in May 2023 + 1 collab with Taeyang of Big Bang in Jan 2023 with accompanying mvs for both collabs + 1 fansong released on christmas week 2023 with 30 hours of notice and recycled footage for its mv + 1 documentary released on weverse in Oct 2023.

JK had a solo era where immediately after hiatus he released left & right in June 2022 with Charlie Puth who's pretty famous in his own right, a world cup song in Nov 2022 and performed solo in the opening ceremony which was watched by 1.5 billion viewers. He then proceeded to release Seven in July 2023 with latto who's also pretty damn famous in the west with Grammy winning producers and an accompanying mv with Han So Hee. Seven is perhaps the most payola'd kpop song of all time - I can't even list it all down without making this ask huge but suffice to say that with all the ads and playlisting on several platforms including tth from day 1 and some help from spotify to keep all his combined versions together instead of splitting them and probably a tiktok heating deal - seven managed to stay on top of global for weeks and netted a bunch of records.

However moving on, JK performs at good morning america, is supposed to perform at the mtv emas (gets cancelled) and announces his next single 3D with Jack Harlow at Global Citizen Fest at NY releasing in Sep 2023. He also has a collab too much with kid laroi and central cee in Oct 2023 with an accompanying mv. After that we're gearing up for his all English album release in Nov 2023 with a 11 track album. He has features from major lazer and dj snake and songs composed and produced by the likes of Diplo, Ed Sheeran and Shawn Mendes. He goes on to perform snty at Jimmy Fallon, Times Square and iHeartRadio live. While none of his songs post seven are as heavily payola'd, they're still very well promoted. In Dec 2023, he releases a remix of SNTY with usher with an accompanying mv. He also features in hots in single I wonder in March 2024. Finally he's released a fan song never let go for festa in June 2024 which is a fansong but has a bunch of benefits usually seen for digital singles but no MV.

Obviously I haven't mentioned everything like their ambassadorships, their single bad decisions with benny blanco (mostly because I forgot about it), smaller promo like suchwita, JK's radio interviews, his visualisers, Jimin's Korean shows, either of their mnet performances, their myriad of tiktoks, their dance performances on youtube, JK's week-long station head parties or accompanying Yoongi on the D-Day tour. Plus as I said I can't mention the full length and breadth of JK's promo compared to Jimin in smaller aspects like number of remixes / remix albums or cd stock because this'll go on forever. And of course this is only the status as of today. We know pjm2 is coming as is probably a documentary for JK and their travel show together. Though I've probably missed out some things for both, I think I've covered the main points of both the solo eras.

There's a bunch of stuff happening here. For one JK's solo era is spaced out very well regardless of who else among BTS is releasing. While other members are clustered in specific times to avoid overlap, JK manages to have the most well spaced out solo era sometimes to the detriment of a member whose promo he might be encroaching on (debatable but I think it's true). The world cup gig which undoubtedly went to BTS being co-opted as JK's solo has never sit right with me but whatever. People can delude themselves about how in demand JK is but the truth is Latto, Jack Harlow and others probably got very well paid for collabing with JK and were certainly approached by Hybe / SB projects rather than the other way around. Same goes for them putting the full force of their marketing department in netting all those performances in the US plus awards. The new jeans controversy gave some insight into how Hybe can use their leverage to net spons, awards and performances when they want to. The fact that most of the collaborators JK had are good buddies with 🛴 isnt lost on any of us. JK's almost exclusive focus on the western market with all English songs is also noteworthy. I haven't even mentioned Jimin's sabotages because I can see how it's debatable but certainly JK's team at Hybe / SB projects were at the least way more careful handling his releases than whoever the hell is running things for Jimin at Hybe even if you don't want to acknowledge the sabotage he went through or the sheer disrespect of having his album release cut off by another members. Also not going into the bs with the delay in Jimin's RIAA certification just so that JK could get that first kpop soloist title or the insanity of Jimin's billboard sales filtering versus JK's premptive itunes preorder for seven before the official announcement of the BB rules change and helpful midweek sales updates that seven had.

After all this, it's amazing that JK's main point of comparison is Jimin. The fact that jjks and armys still feel this compulsive need to compare JK with Jimin after he releases something inspite of JK's peers supposedly being Taylor Swift now (their words not mine) speaks to both how JK was unable to capitalize on his heavy marketing and records versus how much Jimin was able to achieve with Face and Like Crazy.

JK managing to get the most likes on tiktok, staying on charts after heavy playlisting, becoming the darling of kpop stans - notoriously known for being visual stans and extremely fickle, and getting a bunch of kpop awards at the end of 2023 and probably 2024, having the most name recognition among all the members, still needing most of his streams for SNTY to come from Thailand, having album retail sales equal almost the same as Jimin inspite of the huge difference in gross album sales - are these really worthy accomplishments after this extremely long list of moves he's made? Jungkook was very popular to start out with and has always been the darling of armys - to the extent that he managed to avoid getting boycotted inspite of being associated and working with a bunch of zionists for golden. Apart from his new kpop fans, did he manage to net new fans during his solo era though? Or are his main fans still the armys he started out with in the first place from his time in BTS? Is this what anons in your asks think we're supposed to believe is impact?

Impact is what happened after BTS released Dynamite and Butter. A breakout star or single is what Baby was once upon a time for Justin Bieber or Espresso is to Sabrina Carpenter today. You get gp fans when you release good music like Olivia Rodrigo or Billie Eilish. You get critical acclaim when your albums have overarching themes that were carefully constructed and thought out like Beyonces albums. Your solo fanbase becomes more dedicated when you share parts of yourself in your music like Taylor Swift does.

When you make an album with care and dedication, then even when your label doesn't give a damn about you or actively tries to suppress you, your song can still chart more than a year later with your solo fanbase working dedicatedly towards you. That might not be a PCA, but it's a damn sight more valuable imo.

Sorry for how long this got. I just kept remembering more and more stuff to include...

Wow... This is such a perfectly summarized version of the major points and opinions we've all had since jimin's debut... I love it, this is probably the best ask and best post related to this whole thing i have ever read.

It is good for pjms who still ask certain questions about stuff we already talked about and I can never find the exact post where we already talked about it so I'll pin it.

[charmedreincarnation]

Ya bitch got into the void state

Champagne anon here and your mf girlll got in the mf void state and manifested her dream life. This happened a week ago, and I’ve been chilling but I do wanna share my story to help others. Gotta give Thanks to Maya, and so many other bloggers and even anon. Y’all hoes will forever be in my heart, and I’m forever grateful 🥹 also Maya girl you told me when I succeed to get into detail and I got nothing to do for the next two hours so imaaa just share it all here in detail.

I also wanna especially thank all the black creators on tumblr!! I didn’t know there were so many of us using the law. It always seems the world is so against us, and there’s nothing we can do abt it but nahhhh!! we can all live our best melanated lives regardless. Periodt, as we should it’s about goddamned time after everything we’ve been though 😂

Anyways!!!! after reading this: https://www.tumblr.com/charmedreincarnation/717864613626134528/im-your-bubble-anon-but-i-made-this-burner-to success story yesterday I got hella motivated. I read that shit and I thought I posted it on accident because it was everything I had been through, and had been thinking anyways. That anon ate your tumblr habits btw. If y’all haven’t seen my good sis’s sucess post go check that shut out rn, On god it will help.

At the end that anon (my mf dawg 🙏) included that they manifested for everyone. Now ion know if that shit actually work tbh. I’ve seen people say you can and can’t, but tbh the vibes were too high for me to doubt. I was like ight, okay fuck it, ima leave my dream life. Whether it me, that anon, or the devil himself ion give a fuck.

So that’s whatssss a bitch did!!! I just affirmed all day it was very fulfilling. People who hate on affirming are mad corny. I can’t lie that shit works hella fast even if you don’t believe it. Idk if that anon’s void manifesting helped or what but I didn’t do much and after 3 months of trying I entered the damn void state. I’m mad I thought I had to be on some ghandi shit to do this (no hate to him hes da man) but you rlly don’t y’all. BUT LEMME TALK MY SHIT ALL YOU NEED IS AFFIRMING AND PERSISTENCE.

Anyways I went go bed excited asl!! I wrote my script that was like 10 pages long I can’t lie I did the most… but it’s whateva. I woke up in the void state after waking up at 4 am or sum, and i was like oh shityyyt lemme manifest rq and skrttt out this hoe. So that’s what a mf did 😂😂

Anyways the part y’all’s is waiting for. This is what ya girl manifested

Desired face and body. I was in shock how all the details came to life. Y’all im a solid 100/10 it’s giving natural bbl and Aliyah. I swear to gahhh everywhere I go people be trying to peep. I’m not used to being treated like a fucking celeb everywhere I go, whole time it’s just my fat gyattttt

Being the hottest 16 yr old IT GIRL at my school, and having lucky girl syndrome. People call me a mini jayda wayda, but tbh I’m better than her now. No hoe is ever gonna cheat on meee like they did her…bye. She’s still gorgeous as fuck tho

Perfect school life. Your girl is set to be the Valedictorian when I graduate (my school has 4!) I’m also sophomore year President, captain of the basketball team, apart of some volunteer programs through my school, and so much more. My resume and college application is abt to be so fuckin fire in 2 years. As I should Columbia is a competitive ass school 😤😤 that aside everyone always tryna link, I got 3 guys fighting over me (whole damn love square), so many people tryna be my friends, teachers love me, and I excel in everything I do.

My Family being rich assss fuck. My dad got a Wikipedia now and his net worth is 22 million dollars. He owns a hedge fund company now, we love a man in finance 😍😍 AS HE FUCKING SHOULD. He got a material gurlll daughter. Two in fact now.

Fire ass crib. Bro it’s a 9 million dollar penthouse, perfect for ragers. I woke up here and my room is decorated to my personality, pintrest clothes all in my closet, I got an exotic pitbull and frenchie, and the house is just mad clean and fire, I’m obsessed with it. Rarely ever wanna leave now.

My mom not being strict. That bald headed ass hoe use to be mad annoying. Y’all know how Haitians are. Mad annoying as fuck and strict for no reason. Now I go out everyday and come home at midnight and no one gives a fuck. Everyone minds their own business as they should.

Having an older brother and younger sister. I was an only child, because I was a miracle baby bc my mom was infertile. Now she got 3 of us, so she can stop being only in my buisness. I’m just playin I love my mom regardless she’s just hella clingy. Anyways my brother is mad protective but also be wrestling mad aggressive for no damn reason. He gave me a bruise but it’s whateva Ima get my lick back. I also always wanted to be an older sister, bc I’d love to be a role model! My sister is 10 and adores me soo much it’s so adorable 🥹 lmfaooo, she’s mad spoiled by me and my mom but it is what it is.

Successful lip gloss business and being a successful drop shipper. Now you didn’t think a sista wasn’t gonna give herself a career just because I’m young right 🤨🤨 we’ll ya wrong. Ya girl is making 200k-400k a year. I barely even use my money cause I got an allowance from my parents… but still, financial literacy and wealth is so important to me especially as a black woman.

A pookie bae. Y’all know I wasn’t gonna deal with finding a loyal cute and funny guy in nyc. It’s like finding a needle in a haystack. Anyways I got me a fine ass boo. I just wrote down all the features I wanted in him like for exampleS finically secure so he can spoil me, handsome as fuck, tall, funny asl, kind, little clingy, deep raspy voice, nice hand, good hygiene and style,yanno yanooo !!! Plus some other shit and whewww the void did me so good. Nowww my boo bear is a lil cracker and I’ve never dated a white boy befuh but my am I surprised. I wake up everyday with some long ass appreciation texts and plans already made ! Y’all know I love me a dominant man who knows what he wants. He’s got some nice ass clothes, nice car and crib, made me a passenger princess and spoils me way too much. He doesn’t complain abt my mood swings and simps in the best way possible. Not to mention he’s fine afkkk he’s giving vinnie hacker. He’s also 6’1 and I’m 5’1 so that height difference is soooo hot I can’t lie I feel so so safe with him 🫣 I could go on all day but in short he’s more than perfect

+ so much more but this is what shocked me the most. Anyways I’ve been living like this for the past week and it just feel so natural. I keep forgetting I got into the void but whateva I’m the only who knows anyways. Anyways live yo best life and neva give upppp. I gotta go but I’ll probably eventually make a blog. My names angela so look out for it. I’m just mad lazy soo idk tho !!!

Angela out 🫡✌️

Girl this was so fun to read, I’m just as excited for you lmfao. I love seeing black women win, and thank you for sharing your methods! Enjoy your best life and come back if it resonates with your life bae !!!

[sanjisblackasswife]

DON'T tell me you too hc Shanks as the shameless pervert??!! Like the type that's very comfortable with sex and very experienced DILF lmao 😭

Corruption kink?? I thought it was obvious 🙄

That guy could talk about the nastiest kink the same way he talks about the groceries 😩 "...and then she nearly passed out! Haha, I think it's cuz she had all her holes-" "SHANKS-!! OMG- YOU CAN'T JUST SAY THAT-!!" but you low-key love it when he does

😭😭😩😩

A/N: YKW…. if you don’t mind imma use your amazing response to blast Shanks kinks because why not Ahahah

Shanks Kinks/What Turns Him On (NSFW)

Black Fem Reader in Mind

CW: KINKS, It’s Pretty Short General List, I Believe He Has More, But These Scream “Shanks”💀

Kinks:

Corruption Kink: He will swear up and down that he doesn’t have one of you tell him, corruption? Absolutely not he loves women he would never—

Shanks loves seeing a pretty innocent thing like yourself not having a clue in the world how to please a man. He can get off on the thought alone of how embarrassed you’d be learning about taking his cock and not knowing how to handle it and so after one night of partying and charming he starts you off by having you face the mirror in his room, air making your nipples erect and naked on his clothed lap. “There you go…ah ah keep looking in the mirror for me.” He guides your hand to rub your clit teaching you how to touch yourself, “It’s okay you can cum…” You whine and grind your hips on his and your own hand. It won’t be long until he shows you how to properly use your mouth. Knowing he took something so important and sacred is a form of ownership that he gets riled up of feeling.

Exhibitionism: Shanks has little to any care about the consequences of ignorant decisions. He could care less.

He totally doesn’t mind a show as long as said person doesn’t get too close. There are plenty of times Shanks didn’t have time to take a woman back to the ship or the hotel and just did a quickie in a bar hallway or an alleyway. Ironically he still haven’t been caught.

Dirty Talk: If he is feeling sweet he will describe what he is going to do to you, but if he is feeling like a little brat he won’t be above making you describe to him what you want him to do—

“Yeah? And then what?” You’ve been on the edge for what seems hours with his fingers and tongue switching places in your aching cunt. Your legs were embarrassingly spread open because he tied them up at the end of the bed posts. He constantly swirlied the tip of his wet muscle on your clit, driving you mad, you could have just grabbed his head to shove his entire mouth inside you, but you knew better than to disobey Shanks. “Then….I—ah! Want you…” “Want me to what, darling? Hold you? Feed you?—“ “Fuck me, Shanks! I want you to fuck me with you cock please!!”

Breeding: I mean is this even—-hello..he’s a certified dilf.

Ironically he does try to practice safe sex when he used to screw random women on the grand line, but Shanks has no problem with fucking the woman he loves raw. When he is close your body is pulled in even closer, he’ll be damned if any of his seed is wasted. His arm pushes your pelvis higher into his, this is usually when he starts to make more noise grunts and cursing in your ear. He wants you to cum with him because the feeling of how you clench still sucking him and his cum in makes his mind go numb. Sometimes if any does drip out he’ll scoop it and finger it back in you regardless of the painful overstimulation. Because he hates to waste.

What Turns Him On:

Walking around naked: I mean it’s pretty obvious pretty much any man loves to see their woman naked, but when he is greeted with you in nothing, but your ass as you bend over the bed to grab something, he won’t think twice to fuck you right there with his cock out of his pants, too eager to get completely nude.

Teasing Him: He is the master at making you flustered. Even though it’s damn near impossible to make him blush even when he’s drunk, It’s just something about when you feel bold enough to say something back at him or even whisper in his ear how badly you need him that really perks up an honest smile and an honest hard on.

The Way You Moan His Name: He cannot get enough of it. It’s so soft, and breathless sometimes while he is in missionary with you he will groan in your ear “Say my name.” Repeatedly Sometimes you can use it to tease him in public to rile him up. Fair warning though, if he is in a slightly annoyed mood you’ll pay for it later.

[alrightieaphroditie]

goofy smiles | j.m.

*:·ﾟ✧ series masterlist | previous part!

pairing *:·ﾟ afab!reader x joel miller wc *:·ﾟ2.6k an *:·ﾟso excited to continue with this series! i swear, i love each new installment more than the last. writing this has also given me more joel ideas, so i have a few wips that i'm bouncing between too that i'll hopefully post soonish :3 this is slightly edited, but if anything jumps out please let me know! comments and reblogs are always deeply appreciated! check the series masterlist for the series tags!

synopsis *:·ﾟ there's a dance night in jackson, and joel doesn't leave you hanging.

"i swear if we're late to this dance, i'm gonna be pissed." ellie's voice travels to your ears over the wind as she yanks you down the main street of jackson. in the distance, you could see that the patio near the tipsy bison had been set up once again; string lights crisscrossing their way overhead, with potted plants and wooden tables littering the sides, leaving the middle open as a makeshift dance floor. 

you couldn't help but laugh as you picked up your pace, looping your arm through hers and continuing to head down the street. "ellie, hun. you're the one who requested i touch up your haircut five minutes before we were set to leave. i don't know what you want me to tell you." you knew defending yourself to her was pointless, though; once ellie had it in her head, that was it. if she thought it was your fault y'all were running late to the dance, then it was clearly your fault for taking so long to cut her hair. 

as if proving your point, you heard her mutter, "as if that's my fault," under her breath while she ran her free hand through her now shorter locks. she had decided last minute that she wanted it cut just above her shoulders, especially with the summer heat already moving into wyoming. the look suited her, accentuating her sharp features while still making her look young. you were pretty proud of the job you did, regardless of if it made you guys late. 

by the time you reached the fence line surrounding the patio, ellie had already pulled free from your grip and made a beeline to the far corner, where you could see jesse and a few other people mulling about. you watched them all comment on her hair, which made you grin; partly because of your skills, but mostly because seeing her fit in with this community brought nothing but peace to your heart. 

satisfied that ellie was good, you glanced around the layout, taking notice of the tables that had been set up with food and drinks. it was near that table that your eyes came across joel, who was standing off to the side with tommy and another man. he hadn't noticed you yet, so you took that moment to take him in. 

he was still wearing his work boots, having come directly here after helping rebuild something on the farm, and his jeans were lightly streaked with spots of mud and dirt. you had to admit that they fit him quite nicely, though, biting down on your bottom lip while seeing the way the material stretched over his thighs. a casual dark grey t-shirt clung to his upper body, and his hair was slightly messy up top, as if he had been running his fingers through it. 

damn, did he look good. you had half a mind to drag him out of the patio and head back to your house. 

you refrained, though. instead, you decided to make your way near him. the movement caught his eye, and as soon as those big brown eyes landed on your figure, a grin spread across his face. he patted tommy on the shoulder, his gaze never leaving yours, and quickly moved to meet you halfway. you gave tommy a finger wave when he looked over his shoulder to see where his brother went, all while grinning as you watched joel's hand reaching out when you got near, landing to rest against your hip. 

"well, hey there, sugar. almost thought you were playin' hooky tonight." joel muttered, leaning in to press a kiss against your cheek. he wasn't really one for the big public displays of affection, but he also liked to remind all of the other men in town that you were his. it was a balancing act that he excelled at. you could feel his thumb gently caress the curve of your hip, could feel his fingers dig into the material of the blue dress you had put on lightly as you stepped up closer to him. 

"me? play hooky? i don't know where you'd get that idea from," you teased, leaning into his touch. it was no secret that you were more introverted than most people in town, choosing to skip out on the social events every once in a while, to stay home and read your books. truthfully, you only started going to these events more often to catch glimpses of joel after he first moved here.

you'd never tell him that, though. his ego was already too big with you around. "i'm late because ellie wanted me to touch up her hair last minute. she might be worse than i am with the whole time management thing." your voice was teasing, and joel's grin grew even wider. 

"baby, don't shoot the messenger, but nobody is as bad as you are with the time management thing." he leaned down to kiss your forehead, chuckling to himself as you slapped his chest. his grip on your hip tightened ever so slightly, and you were reminded of your earlier thought of dragging him home and having your way with him. at that moment, however, your stomach decided to growl somewhat loudly. 

the man at your side let out a snort as your face flamed with embarrassment. joel turned his body to the side, ushering you in front of him and began walking towards the tables spread out with food. "c'mon, misses always-on-time. let's get some food in that starvin' stomach of yours."

you happily obliged, slipping your arm around joel's back as you made your way to the refreshments. joel grabbed one of the plates, holding it out for you as you loaded it up with anything that looked remotely good. you made sure to get extras, too, because joel had a habit of snacking on your plate no matter where you were, despite him claiming to not be hungry every time. you grabbed a couple of the glasses that were set out as well, filling one with water and the other with the locally made whiskey joel liked. 

he guided you to one of the tables, pulling out your chair with his free hand before gliding into the seat next to you. joel moved his seat ever so slightly closer to yours, his knee steadily brushing against yours as the two of you got settled. eventually, tommy and maria came to join the two of you, and you spent a good chunk of the night at that table; conversing about the future plans for jackson, commiserating with maria about how annoying the miller brothers could be, laughing at tommy's stories of the two of them before the outbreak. 

sometime throughout the night, joel had slung his arm on the back of your chair, and you had moved to lean into his side, your hand resting on his upper thigh. his palm was planted on your shoulder, his thumb sneaking underneath the strap of your dress, occasionally gliding back and forth across your skin. he sipped his whiskey, and you noticed him checking on ellie every now and again, too. 

tilting your head back, you took a moment to admire the man sitting next to you while his gaze was focused elsewhere. his skin was starting to get that summer tan again, and the hours of being out in the light had given his hair a few lighter streaks of color mixed in with the dark brown. his beard was growing in more fully too, though you could spot a few strands of grey peeking through here and there. the whiskey had warmed his cheeks, turning them light pink. for a brief moment, the suns setting rays hit joel's face just right, showcasing the different shades of brown within his eyes. 

eventually, when the sun began to sink behind the mountains and the lights were flicked on, a few men crowed up on the side stage, each bearing different instruments. they started playing a chirpy tune, causing the crowd to holler in cheers as the dancing portion of the night started. tommy led maria away from the table, pulling her close and swaying her in the middle of the dance floor. it was always good fun, but tommy loved showing off his moves, so the couple was always at the center of attention. 

you and joel sat comfortably together, your head resting against his shoulder as his thumb stroked away at your skin. joel has never been too big at participating in these events, happier to just sit on the sidelines and observe. you didn't really mind it either, as you weren't really a graceful dancer yourself and wanted to save yourself from potential embarrassment. so usually you two sat just like this, watching the community you've grown to love and accept as your own partake in the festivities. 

joel's gruff voice interrupts your train of thought. "c'mon," he scoots his chair back, offering his hand towards you. with a shocked grin, you accept, letting him guide you from the table to the outskirts of the spot where people had gathered to dance. your eyes widened in surprise as his hands come to rest on your lower back, pulling you closer to him. 

"joel miller, leading me to dance? you didn’t even make me beg," you tease, happily settling your hands on his shoulders, letting your fingers tickle the side of his neck. the begging was a tactic that wasn't totally necessary (joel would give you whatever you wanted the moment you asked for it) but usually, on the few chances you did want to dance, you had to rely on that method to soften him up. 

"not this time,” he clicks his tongue, giving you a smirk. "although i will be havin’ you beg for somethin’ else a little later tonight, sugar." 

your laughter rung out across the patio, causing joel to grin sheepishly as the sound drew more attention your way. his hands tightened in the material of your dress, and you had a feeling you would be paying for that brief moment in the spotlight later, but you didn't mind. the sky was filling with stars, lightning bugs floating around in the balmy night air, laughter spilling in with the music. you were surrounded by your friends, your family, and dancing with your man; you simply couldn't complain. 

hours later, when the band grew tired of performing and most of the crowd had dispersed, it was decided that the night was over. joel had left earlier with ellie, who had managed to sneak a little too much alcohol that night and needed help getting back to his house, but you chose to stay and help maria and tommy clean up the patio. maria was packing up the rest of the food and taking trips to the tipsy bison every now and then, and you and tommy were on table cleaning duty.

you were in your own little world, smiling to yourself as you wiped down the tables and picked up the floral decor that maria had strewn about, feeling so content with the way that the night had gone. before he had left, you and joel had spent the rest of the night dancing together, hiding on the sidelines, talking about anything and everything. your feet were sore, and you knew joel would be complaining about his back later, but it was worth it to you. 

"you sure have joel wrapped around your finger, don't ya?" tommy's voice pulled you out of your mind, causing you to jump a little at the suddenness of it. you both laughed as you righted yourself, cheeks flushed from his comment. 

"well, i don't know about that. he's still a stubborn ass most of the time," you teased, helping tommy gather up the decor on the last few tables while you talked. he chuckled at your comment, taking a second to wipe down the surfaces before turning back to you. 

"honey, he never would've stepped foot into somethin' like this before you. you're bringing him back to life." his face was serious, but his eyes - so similar to joel's - held nothing but mirth. you felt your heart stutter at his words, could feel the prickling behind your eyes from the impact of his words. 

"i think i could say the same thing." your voice was quiet, fingers clinging into your rag at the admission. tommy nodded his head, reaching out to squeeze your shoulder as you wiped away the lone tear that strayed from your eye. it wasn't a lie, either. you were fine with your life in jackson before joel, sure. you had made friends, were easily accepted into the community. after so many years fighting to survive, you finally had a safe haven.

but you didn't know you were missing something until joel showed up. your relationship was rocky at the start; joel really didn't want anything to do with you, or any of the other members of the community. you couldn't blame him, after hearing his story. but somewhere along the line, as joel became more comfortable in town, you fell into a fast friendship that slowly turned into something more. 

whenever you were with him, your soul felt settled; like you had finally found the other half of your heart. he brought a sense of calmness to you that you didn't think existed anymore, a sense of safety and security. he loved you in the way that you always dreamed about as a little girl, before the world turned; deeply, utterly, truly. and you could only hope that he felt the same with you. 

"it feels real good to hear you say that about my brother. he doesn't talk much 'bout his feelings, but shit. every time you walk in his vicinity, he gets this goofy ass grin on his face. sometimes i don't even think he realizes he's doin' it, either. that speaks volumes, honey." tommy's fingers squeezed your shoulder once more before letting go, and you watched him gather up his bag of decorations and head over to maria. her laughter echoed through the night as he planted an obnoxious kiss on her cheek.

you let tommy's words settle into your mind, a rush of heady emotions flowing through your veins. you knew joel loved you, there was absolutely no doubt about that. but hearing that conformation from tommy, a man joel so clearly trusts and loves as well, was just everything to you. wiping your cheek once more, you move to clear off the last table, leaving your own bag of decorations by the entrance of the patio.

later, when you finally reached your house, you zeroed in on joel, who was finishing washing the dishes from lunch. without saying anything, you launched yourself on him, clinging to his back. your arms wrapped themselves around his middle, your cheek squished against his firm back. you could feel him chuckle, could hear him softly mutter, "what's this for?" while continuing to scrub away at the dishes. 

instead of replying, you simply hummed, content against his back. that sense of security enveloped your heart, causing your eyes to fall shut as you tightened your grip around his waist. you heard him hum too, though you knew he was mocking you - he hated when you responded to him with sounds. he wasn't irritated, though. instead, he turned the water off, drying his hands on the towel you had next to the sink. he removed your hands from his middle, pushing you back slightly as he turned to face you. 

joel moved your hands back around his waist, gathering you up in his arms. it was then, with his lips pressed against your forehead, your face buried in his grey shirt, his heartbeat steady in your ears, that you finally felt at home. 

taglist *:·ﾟ @hiroikegawa

[withered--s0uls]

OKAY, I think I'm done for now.

@electrozeistyking and I a little while ago talked about how GD!N would react to DAS!Cyn. They went on about in a reblog but basically he would be extremely happy bc DAS!Cyn is a separate entity to the Absolute Solver, therefore meaning she's not the one behind everything.

So at first they probably both would be extremely happy. DAS!Cyn in her own AU upon meeting N first is absolutely terrified that he might hate her after everything the AS made her do. So the fact GD!N would react very positively to her presence would be a huge a relief to her.

Now, the issue is that the "Dormant" in "Dormant" Absolute Solver is in quotations for a reason. It simply lost interest in her as a main host / had no need for her anymore. It still has admin rights over DAS!Cyn and she still has a Solver Form. Though she doesn't use it by choice bc of PTSD triggers (until possibly a specific point in Ep7 but I'm waiting for ep8 to decide).

So yeah I think that would make both GD!N and DAS!Cyn kinda anxious to put it lightly.

(More Art and stuff under cut because this crossover has been living RENT FREE IN MY HEAD)

Also fun fact

@electrozeistyking has mentioned and shown Beanie finding comfort in the sound of her fathers core.

Well funny story.

DAS!Cyn always was comforted by her brothers core back at the manor, when they first reuite at the start of Ep6 and she sees DAS!Uzi summon her Solver wings and tail, her instinct is pressing closer to DAS!Ns chest for comfort. Her memories of the Solver features are very very blurry, but she is triggered by seeing them regardless.

I thought It was cute the girls have that in common, so I decided to draw them and GD!N sleeping with the girls having their heads close to his core :3

OKAY FINALLY WE GET TO THE DOODLE PAGE

I didn't feel like fully making these so they're sketchy doodles :"

The first two are based on Zeisty saying GD!N would probably pick DAS!Cyn up and spin her around. Also you probably noticed between this doodle, the first drawing & the Tiny!N & DAS crossover post, but DAS!Cyn displays flowers on her visor to emote happiness!

The 3rd and 4th are just random interactions between the kiddos lol. I feel like Beanie probably would be happy to have another Auntie, not to mention one closer to her age so they can do silly kid stuff together. DAS!Cyn... oh boy

She would feel a whole range of emotions; grief about missing so much of her brothers life (like he has a kid ffs), guilt and self blame after finding out what happened to Uzi (she blames herself for everything the AS caused, even tho she never agreed to it) which might end up in a "slight" breakdown, anger at the AS for causing GD!N that kind of pain and eventually once she processed all those emotions she probably would be excited to get to know Beanie. Like!! Imagine finding out you have a little Niece!!

She probably would struggle to easily keep up with Beanie bc she still has motor issues like in canonverse so she's a little slower, so it'd be mostly her trying not to fall over her own feet whilst being dragged around by an excited toddler who probably even with child lock is stronger than her lmao.

Also I drew DAS!Cyn in an alternate outfit bc I wanted to actually kinda show the oil reserve canister,,,

Ok wanting to respond to the hashtags specifically bc :)) yay

Also ig this is some DAS lore fact drops lol

Yeah, DAS!Cyn kinda didn't take it well either when she first realized the AS technically can still take over if it really wanted to after she transferred bodies in an attempt to escape. Imagine getting your core nearly crushed in an attempt to flee from robo satan just to find out entity STILL can use you for their bidding. Like!!! Damn that's not fair the kid nearly fucking died trying to break free!!!

DAS!Cyn definitely would want to spare Beanie the horrors too. DAS!Cyn herself is mentally like 7-10/11 at best 6-9 at worst -- despite kids usually just saying whatever comes to mind, she repressed most AS related stuff for a reason, she definitely wouldn't share what she knows with her newfound niece

I feel things would be either super great and happy or super traumatizing depending on when in the timeline we throw DAS!Cyn at them. If she's there during ep 6-7? Oh boy. Oh no. DAS!Cyn & DAS!N have an exchange during Ep7 that would not go over so well if it was GD!N in DAS!Ns place, because it would be awfully similar to GD!Uzis death -- she doesn't die, because DAS!N can't get himself to shoot with her being so close to the AS, despite her literally shouting at him to do it and that she won't be angry, that'll be fine. -- yeah I don't think GD!N would handle that well 😭 Zeisty feel free to get the angst train rolling if you wanna add your two cents on how that'd go over -- any point before that? Probably fine. Post S1? I'd imagine also fine depending on what Ep8 throws at us (except like... look at ideas list for more info*)

I'll assume that'd be Beanie reacting to seeing DAS!Cyn having the Solver tail and possibly the glitching Solver symbol in her visor. Yeah she definitely would try to play it off and go try and hide somewhere until she can get it under control again. High stress or negative emotions causes her Solver to act up (unrelated to the AS, just her own Solver form without the entity controlling anything!!) So what I said above to her reaction to the news of GD!Uzi being dead? And possibly finding out the reason why? Yeah that might trigger her tail and wings to pop out and her to basically be reduced to a hyperventilating ball on the floor because of proceeding to blame herself for all of GD!Ns suffering due to thinking the AS actions & it being a danger are her fault

Other things I kinda wanted to doodle but didn't for now, might do at a later point;

Cyn still has a Solver Core, which is the same as a DD core (except smaller lol). So I was playing with the idea of Beanie noticing that her core sounds different from GD!Ns due to hers being severely damaged and actively leaking after the AS attempted to crush it during the body transfer. DAS!Cyn then trying to play it off

Some kind of acknowledgement of the Oil reserve canister on DAS!Cyns back, it was made by Tessa before the AS did the medurder and stuff. It's supposed to help keep the Solver in check by preventing overheating, hence why its directly connected to her chest where her core is

There was something else but it slipped my mind

Smth I'm not gonna say publicly for now until Zeisty posts something about it and/or eventually posts the chapters bc I don't want to spoil esp not bc it isn't my place to :" (if you're curious, Zeisty, lmk I can tell you in VC or DMs lol) but it partly would possibly be related to the 1st idea listed

* I have an idea for what happens to Cyns original body (the one the AS uses & that wears Tessa) post Ep8 IF Ep8 let's me do it that is. I think it could be fun to crossover that idea bc of GD!Ns ghost sight.... tho it definitely also would be fucking stressful and trauma inducing bc Solver stuff sooo yeah rip (again, if you want I could elaborate in vc or DMs on this bc I want to first wait and see what the season finale brings before I do anything "official" with this)

GD!N reacting to the information that DAS!Cyn canonly shot "Tessas" gun at the AS (well technically at its tentacles. Point being that kid fired a gun/knows how to use one) -- which again could be very interesting if we were to toss them into the same Ep7 bc that's when she does it

Possibly GD!N finding out ab the scars/cracks surrounding DAS!Cyns core bc,,, yeah

Anyways uuuhh heightbsheet bc I'm 99% sure I drew stuff inaccurate

These were actually so fun to draw and think & talk about. I'll post the GD x IC crossover once I'm done with that (yes, yes there is more than what you already saw Zeisty. Not much more but more nonetheless)

[devine-fem]

why don't you like jayjon? Genuinely asking btw and I'm neutral btw I don't really ship superheroes kids, so yeah

Alright, firstly I have always come across damijon shippers that ship them as kids because their purest connection peaked when they were young so you kind of permanently keep Jon and Damian as kid in your head because of what DC did to them.

We ship them in a ‘wholesome crush on your best friend, twisting inside you over time that you snub out till you reach your adulthood and have the maturity to deal with it’ type of way. The beauty of Damijon is not the fact that it’s Bat x Super. I honestly don’t care for this dynamic ergo not shipping superbat and not liking Timkon at all. The beauty of Damijon is that they could become something with a friendship to back it up, then continue to push each other’s characters forward while being in a relationship if the writer cared enough. It’s a plus that they care for each other so much and have the personalities to really balance each other out.

I enjoy ships like Daminika, Dami x Colin and other Jon ships as well. I just only post damijon and talk about them. It’s only Jonj*y I have issues with. It’s not about ‘getting in the way of my ship’ nothing can ever get in the way of me enjoying damijon and fandom is just gonna have to deal with that. We all come here for enjoyment because we should supposedly enjoy DC for DC and find community in that, enjoy our ideas and takes on it and one person is not going to perceive or enjoy something the same way but we are so damn MEAN to each other. Damijon gets a lot of heat, mostly because twitter damijon stans are annoying and horrible and damijon antis are just as bad.

So the problem I have with Jonj*y is just deep rooted.

Firstly, I hate the way it came about. The last thing Jon’s character needed was to be in a relationship period but then for it to be a queer relationship used as a tool to garner sales? There’s nothing in the world I dislike more than queer baiting. The last thing we needed from DC was to pull something like this and as a queer person it just really gets under my skin - as it should anyone, to be honest.

Even regardless of that Jonj*y is the relationship equivalent of stale bread. They have no chemistry, Jay has no character besides catoring to Jon’s sexuality, and even if they were to explore him there’s no point because objectively they’ve tarnished Jon Kent way too much to be wasting comic ink on Jay.

I don’t like aged up Jon Kent as a whole, it’s not like I want him to stay a kid forever - obviously not. The fun of a comic book character is their growth! Jon over time should have never been able to get to the age he is now when other comic book characters struggle to get near that age in decades. I MEAN HE’S NEARLY OLDER THAN KON RIGHT NOW. Bendis did what he did to Jon because he ain’t even like him.

There are real serious issues with Jon Kent’s age up than him getting with Damian. I know how to seperate my ship/fanon from canon. I can go on and on about the problems with it without mentioning Damian once.

I had to put “JonJ*y apologist DNI” in my bio because the stans kept coming to my page and spewing BS 24/7 so I thought it was my absolute right to make sure they knew this page was not for them.

If you enjoy the ship at all then you will not like me because I have almost every single active Jonj*y poster blocked because I have fought with them at least once because they wanted to be stupid and spew nonsense on Jon Kent when you can tell they haven’t read a damn comic besides SSOKE and it really shows.

If you enjoy it, just block me. It’s only a matter of time before we fight anyway, so don’t waste your breath because the whole time you could be trying to open your mouth, you could open a comic book instead, how about that?

Thanks for the asks though, LOL.

P.2

[gracie-rosee]

Early morning 5AM thoughts and (a LOT of) questions about Azriel’s powers. Longer post, I’m just having fun with theories.

First of all, I was inspired by @violetasteracademic and @nikachansstuff. Not by any particular post, but because they are just so cool and have very smart thoughts that got the gears turning in my head.

So I often wonder about Azriel’s shadows. We learn that his powers started to show when he was locked up by his father as a child. But did they come to him, or are they a real part of him that he was born with?

It’s just something that I’ve never been able to fully wrap my mind around. If he was born with this immense power—enough for seven siphons—why did they suddenly show up after what, 11 years?

The thing is, the power he was born with, the one that requires seven siphons, that’s the Illyrian power he got from his father. Right? That power requires seven siphons. So… his shadows have to be separate, and had to have come to him afterwards. (For now I won’t be talking about the possibility that he inherited shadowsinging powers from some long ago ancestor. This post will not be going in that direction, and instead focuses more on the powers themselves.)

So it begs the question(s) then: if they came to him, are they like, their own entity? Or are they literally just shadows and nothing more? Though the idea that they CAME to him implies that they are more than just shadow. Do they speak to him? If they came to him, could they potentially leave? Does Azriel even control them at all or do they just like… work alongside him? Do they have… thoughts? Do they have a personality? Why did they choose him?

But there’s also the elephant in the room: Elain.

Did she wield his shadows? Did Azriel send them to her? Or did the shadows find her and help her on their own?? SJM told us Elain stepped out of a shadow, when winnowing is described as a literal blink to/from a place. So she 100% came from his shadows. (Side note: this whole stepping out of shadows, and not to mention her being the only one to use TT thing, just solidifies that Elain is, and always will be intertwined with Azriel, regardless of who they end up with.)

So either 1. Elain can wield them, 2. Azriel sent them to teleport her, or 3. His shadows left him and sought Elain out, meaning she would also have to communicate with them so she knows where they’re going.

But ALSO!!!!! OF ALL PEOPLE WHY ELAIN? IF HIS SHADOWS LEFT HIM OR AZ SENT THEM TO FIND SOMEONE TO GO UP TO HYBERN AND KILL HIM? WHY ELAIN?????!!!!!!! WHY NOT AN ACTUAL SOLDIER??!

Okay but I NEEEEED an Elain POV of this more than anything. More than I want the next book. I need to know how it went down, because it would answer a lot of questions I have.

Here’s how I’ve envisioned it happening:

Option 1: Elain anxiously pacing with Truth Teller when suddenly a familiar shadow flies toward her, tells her that her sisters are in danger and whisks her away to help after she doesn’t even hesitate.

Option 2: Elain receiving a vision of Nesta and Cassian dying, then calling out to Azriel’s shadows to take her to them.

Option 3: Azriel seeing Nesta and Cassian dying, so he sends his shadows to fetch Elain so she can help.

I find option 3 VERY hard to believe, because why on earth would Azriel send Elain, with no combat experience whatsoever, to walk right into the middle of a literal killing field. He would never voluntarily put her in that danger. So it had to have been a variation of options 1 or 2. Meaning Elain and the shadows communicated in some way.

His shadows sought her out on their own. To which I ask, WHY?!

Or Elain sought the shadows out herself, to which I ask HOW?!

I’m so mad everyone just glosses over this. Do you know how many fucking times the death of Hybern was brought up? Like every damn chapter. And yet no one talks about Elain and how she suddenly wielded shadows.

Like hello? How did Nesta not even question it at all? I guess maybe she didn’t see how Elain arrived in shadows, but she still didn’t question how she arrived period. Nor did Feyre. Feyre who was narrating. And I’m assuming she showed Rhys as well as everyone else how the Hybern died afterwards. And yet. No. One. Freaking. Cared. HELOOOO??!!! I smell an intentional diversion.

Ugh. So many thoughts. So many questions. I have more questions that I’d like to pose to anyone reading this far about Azriel’s shadows themselves, but this is pretty long already. If anyone wants to know my thoughts on shadowsingers and shadow magic itself, let me know.

[funnyburneracct]

Hi, I'm Xiao/burningrqs. this post is going to be long. Posting this from a burner so that it doesn't go down the drain when we deactivate.

But essentially, this is an apology to the radqueer community for multiple different things. I'm going to do my best to type this out as well as possible, and I apologize if I miss anything or word things poorly. I am going to explain myself to the best of my abilities, but please keep in mind that my explanations do not excuse my actions by any means.

Post under the cut.

for those who don't want to read it though, TL;DR: I was a complete asshole and I'm genuinely very sorry about it.

So, I want to start off by apologizing in general for the "burning radqueers" thing. Not only was it just not funny, but it was also really weird. I know damn well that if I saw someone pop up with a "burningmogais" blog or something, I would be pissed. So I don't know what made me think that running burningradqueers was a good idea in any sense.

My rude and dehumanizing comments did not help. Regardless of how I view people, what disorders I have, or how symptoms present themselves, it was disgusting of me to act as though I can't be held accountable for my cruelty towards others.

The targeted posts were even worse, and allowing people to just pick a random blog to "burn" was teetering on harassment. It put the user in front of so many people who clearly did not have good intentions towards them, and inherently put the user being "burnt" in danger. I wish I noticed that fact sooner. Even if I disagreed with people or didn't like them for whatever reason, I still should not have felt as though I had the right to post stuff like that.

Adding onto that, I should have never used my ASPD as an excuse for anything. I tend to get defensive when I feel insulted, which is what happened, and I decided to bite back despite being in the wrong. I acted impulsively and out of pure anger, and then tried to defend it, which I shouldn't have. When saying the kinds of things I did, I am open to criticism whether I like that fact or not, and trying to act as though I am immune to that criticism because of a disorder was disgusting on my part.

Another thing, somewhat on a similar note, is that an apology is owed for my hostility in general. Every time it was even lightly suggested I was wrong, I seemed to lash out and get angry. This really just comes down to me needing to learn to admit my wrongs. I should not have made my inability to understand my wrongdoings anyone else's problem.

Then there's also the things I said when I lashed out before deciding to drop burningradqueers entirely. I don't fully remember all of what I said as the event happened during an episode (this does not excuse my words at all by the way. regardless of my state at the time, what I said wasn't okay and should not be excused) and the posts have since been deleted. But, I do remember at one point making harassment out to be a competition of sorts when someone was simply trying to calmly explain to my why the namedropping was not a good move. I can't for the life of me remember why I did that, but I am very sorry about it. A lot of people in the radqueer community have been harassed (and likely do still get harassed constantly), and for me to act like I am the only victim of harassment was wrong on multiple levels.

I'm sure there was a lot of bad stuff I said during that episode, but as I said, I do not remember most of it. I'm sorry that I can't apologize for the specific things I said, but I am apologizing for the situation as a whole.

The entire thing started over me not being able to handle much deserved criticism, and I stood "my ground" despite having absolutely no ground to stand on.

I started burningradqueers over baseless hatred. I didn't know why I was supposed to hate radqueers, or what I was even really hating. I joined the anti community thinking that it is much easier to just move with the pack and hate what everyone else seems to hate, but hatred really isn't that easy. It's exhausting. And realizing how much the anti community really wouldn't want me if I was honest about things made me realize that. Realizing that there are so many antis who would rather see us suffer forever due to dysphoria than see us live happily after getting amputations was rough, and honestly kinda gave me a taste of what radqueers have to deal with every single day, and it felt horrible.

Without realizing it, I managed to do so much damage to a community full of people who deal with exactly the same things I do, a community that is mostly traumatized and mentally ill people who are just trying to get by. Not even just that, but genuinely just people trying to exist and be honest about themselves.

It is not my place to dictate what is and isn't valid in terms of someone's personal identity, and even more, it's not okay for me to treat a whole community like garbage just because I didn't understand it.

Again, I do not want my actions to be excused. I treated people horribly and was a total dick, but I hope that me apologizing can at least make some of you feel better about how I behaved.