#regretting the things i couldve shouldve done

[nia-academia]

reminder to not let myself be washed away, to stand my ground even when it seems much easier to just let go, to stay firm in what i believe and to never feel small because everything else seems bigger.

reminder to never again live passively.

[keychainedd]

roxserpent, co owner of dandy's world and flavor frenzy, is a groomer

(thread copied from twitter, og link here: https://x.com/keychained_/status/1820573158673699105)

TW FOR GROOMING

rox / roxserpent / the co-dev of both flavor frenzy and dandy's world is a dangerous man who has a big history of grooming & harming minors and covering all of it up whenever he can't take the scorn anymore.

(for more info, look at this doc which words it so much better than i ever could have)

whenever i joined blush crunch for the first time, i checked announcements & saw that rox posted an apology thread. before playing, i heard that he drew porn of multiple th characters, some of which were minors, so i chalked it up to an apology for that and moved on

except, i didn't move on. i was a victim of grooming, and this apology set off alarm bells in my head. i felt guilty for continuing to play despite feeling like something was wrong, but i ignored it. i know many other of my friends had felt the same way.

i felt like the sheep mentality was something i couldve fit into, but it was difficult. it conflicted with my morals. i knew i shouldve said something, but i was scared. i understand now how many people felt the exact same way.

a lot of us were manipulated by rox. almost everyone i know has been. it's been hidden from fans for years. it'll continue to be hidden, especially now that dandy's world has gotten so big, but there's no reason to be scared. i don't care.

rox is a groomer who's created child porn of his friends, manipulated & hurt so many people, lied to every community he's been in, and has ruined lives. he doesnt deserve to be able to go on break, nor should he be able to hide this from people.

he deletes his accounts of the various stories, hides the glaringly obvious fact that he's done so much wrong, tells everyone it's "petty drama" and expects people to move on. it's not petty drama. it's grooming.

im deeply ashamed for how long it took me to make a thread like this. as a victim of grooming myself, i'm sorry. i'm truly sorry. i know how scary it is to see no one believe you. now onto my personal actions because of this server

i've gotten into so many fights over this server. i've hurt people and they've hurt me and i've caused far too many issues that i can count on two hands and i wanted to believe if i shamed other people for things, then i'd be able to redeem myself in my own head.

i was wrong. i'm sorry for the things i've said to people. my guilt that came from this server has snowballed into hatred and i've taken it out on so many people. i want to talk it out. please dm me, friend me on discord, contact me. i will listen

i regret how long it took me to post something like this. i shouldve never stayed quiet. i am angry at everyone including myself and i need to take my anger and use it to inspire myself to act.

rox, you are disgusting. you and all your friends absolutely disgust me. you hire 18+ mods on your server instead of releasing apologies. you force your mods to respond to tickets wondering what you've done and force them to defend you. you use people. that's all you do.

it's no one's fault but rox's for how long everyone had stayed with him. but, you should educate yourself. you should learn. you should spread the word, you should stop supporting bc, you should drop whatever you can to show support to victims.

you may be too scared to speak out, but you can. you always can. no one should stay quiet when they know something this terrible. i've learned it from personal experience. i'm sorry for taking so long. spread the word.

thank you for reading

[kittykov]

Hello, I'm addressing the situation here as I did on Twitter but going a little more in depth since I have more space :)

My intent was not to hurt anyone while making this au, I should've done more research on the procedure itself and honestly I shouldn't have made the au at all! I regret doing it and now I am learning from my actions which I am ok with I think that I deserve the backlash for what I did, although I wish people wouldn't DOXX me I guess it cannot be helped.

As for the reference I used for the one art, at the time I was a little intoxicated (not saying this excuses what I did) , I didn't exactly see anything wrong with doing that since the picture was already on the internet for everyone to see but! I know now not to do that it is very disrespectful to the people who actually suffered through the procedure and I shouldve thought before acting. I didn't have any intent on mocking or making fun of the people who were hurt :(

"Romanticing Lobotomies" : THIS was NOT what I was trying to do. There is nothing okay about what I made Betty do to Simon. There is nothing "HOT" about it. It is supposed to be disgusting, the way she treated him is supposed to turn your stomach. Like someone said previously they mentioned "Killing Stalking" which was a horror book that I was VERY obsessed with a while ago and it made me want to make something of my own. Due to my hyperfixation of Fionna and Cake I decided to make it an au... In that book there are dark themes having to do with codependent relationships and there is murder and SO much more. I wanted to make something that was just as bad as that since there is NOTHING (at least I cant find anything) like Killing Stalking. Just because there are toxic relationships in the horror genre does not mean you're romanticing whatever is going on, was the creator of KS romanticing abuse and murder?? No. I KNOW the au could have been depicted better, there couldve been better words to use on the art but once again I cannot take back the things I did once they're already done.

Please think about other people first before doing things (I know this is kind of hypocritical :( but I should've done this too) I know I've hurt all of you with my art but this is hurting me too very badly and two wrongs in a situation like this doesn't make a right. I wish that some of you could be more reasonable and realize that im a human too, but I understand you want me to learn from my actions. Although SOME of you are actually wishing literal death upon me which is NOT good for my brain which leaves me to my last statement.

I am leaving the internet for a while. I am discarding the au completely, I don't want anyone to make any fanart and I don't want it to be mentioned to me again. I apologize to everyone I've hurt and I hope you can all understand.. I'm not very good at apologies but I tried super hard on this one, I just don't want anyone to see me as an awful person although that's something I can't control :(

Goodbye! Thank you to everyone who supported me and was kind to me! I love you guys, Ill be back sometime.

[djsangos]

+ do you regret dropping out of school? would you go back and try again if you could?

ehhhhh i definitely regret the way i went about it yeah

shouldve told someone i was struggling with it etc there were a LOT of things i couldve done before going scorched earth with it and then lying about going scorched earth

i dont think id want to go back though i was honestly kinda miserable there

maybe ill try to get a ged or something but considering i dont want to go to college either im not sure how much good it would do other than tying up loose ends

[outsidereveries]

I can see people being jealous of lisa definitely shes got the wrong people around her but she seems too stubborn herself sometimes maybe doesnt accept critique that well? so she went ahead with it anyway bc she can :/

do you think they sort of have any regret about not doing more things like really being the best at something like jisoo imho no hate on the girl but i still think her vocals are somewhat lacking like they arent as powerful as some other idols has she ever felt she shouldve done more vocal practice? same for the likes of jimin i dont know what went on with his vocals but he couldve shined so much more had he worked on them better at the start or do companies say they have to sing in xyz voice? i dont know how kpop conpanies operate so this is just a guess. sometimes it seem like they dont know how to function lol

Honestly, I doubt her being stubborn to accept criticism is the reason why but rather her not caring (or being carefree) about anyone's opinion. I am not sure if LLOUD is something Lisa has wanted to create mainly because of previous readings I did because it has to be done? Like for her popularity and stuff?

The regret you're thinking can be why the staff is like that, to be honest. Compared to Jisoo where her family has her own business before BLISOO, they were aware of how the things are done while for Lisa.. i'm kind of shrugging for her because of why the hell she created LLOUD? I am just questioning whether the reasons are beyond her popularity, that's all.

About the vocals however.. If i have to compare Lisa and Jisoo, Jisoo's still the better vocalist in my honest opinion because of her technique. Yes, it's lacking, I agree, but it's still better than Lisa for example. Like you said with BTS' Jimin, yeah, wth has happened with him? He went from very stable despite the pitchness to unstable as fuck .. just HOW? What HYBE are doing? I agree, something is going on from training perspective in some of the companies, especially HYBE.

[anadrenalineslut]

the way that dear john, wouldve couldve shouldve, and bigger than the whole sky are written and all fit together is something so beautiful and heartbreaking and all of them are so beautifully and painfully written it's just owie

I know anon!!! God I fucking know!!!!!!!!!

The fact that dear john ends and bigger than the whole sky literally picks up where she left off is devastating to me. The fact that the sequel to dear john is a song in which she has internalized the slut shaming and victim blaming she experienced for realizing dear john breaks my fucking heart.

You can tell how bold and confident she was in herself before dear john was released and how different she is in bigger than the whole sky. Like even the lyrics she put in dear john, some of them are angry as fuck even hiding behind the sadness.

"Don't you think I was too young to be messed with"

"I see it all now I was wrong"

"It's you and your sick need to give love then take it away"

Vs

"No words appear before me in the aftermath"

"Salt streams out my eyes into my ears"

"It's all over now, all out to sea"

"Every single thing I touch becomes sick with sadness"

"So I'll say words I don't believe" (like what... she's speaking to herself... words like "you weren't to blame" "it's not your fault" "I'm sorry" "i forgive you" or even "I love you" come to mind... all of them heartwrenching)

It makes me feral whenever I think about it for too long.

And then we get would've could've should've which is the angriest and most self righteous of the three song but even while she is holding him accountable, she is still blaming herself way more than she should. I mean the whole song is about what she would have done differently if he had done things differently but they're tied together because she still blames herself in part and that much is clear

"I regret you all the time" I mean!!!!!

Idk this trilogy... I know I asked for it but I don't know if I really deserved it tbh. Because wow, a masterpiece but wow how heartbreaking it is to know how broken inside she was because of that piece of shit groomer asshole and this cunty society.

[hdhdkekjfjcnskjcncndmnf]

i dont think i can really hold onto this anymore. its nobody's fault at all though, really only mine. i just say things wrong and do things worse, i dont think on what i should say and when i just say whatever i just make people uncomfortable or make them upset. i really wish the people who know me never met me im really sure they wouldve been so much better without whatever i made them think ive done to them, because i definitely havent done anything worth enough for them. i know i shouldve made everything so much better i know i couldve. at this point its useless to even try. i should be gone i should just end everything but before i do i want to say that i am so sorry to every single one of them, for meeting me, for speaking to me, knowing me. and to the ones that know me from my deepest, i want to tell them i regret making them listen to all of it and having to go through my disgusting talks and everything. im not a good person to stay with im sorry i really am

[dear-happypills]

whiteout

there are parts in my brain that ive whited out.

unintentionally, perhaps, but nevertheless whited out.

ive been doing it since i was a kid, i think... like when i wouldnt want to remember something because i had guilt or regret on the things i couldve done or shouldnt have done. on the things i shouldve said or couldnt say.

things i didnt want to think about. just whiteout like a misspelling on an essay or a wrong scribble on a piece of paper.

but its not like that whiteout made things... disappear.

it would just physically cover what is already there with and 'blank' marking -- obscure the mistake with a blank to be rewritten...

or even not to be rewritten. but just leave it blank.

and...

i mightve gotten a little obsessive with this.

because i mightve whiteout like 80 percent of my brain. i even whiteout parts that are whitedout already... ....and its not like i write over anything new there.... i just keep it...

blank.

the whiteout blank is not empty... i know that. yet, i need it to be blank because....

i guess there used to be something there.

and eventhough its whitedout,

i

dont

know

why

the

fuck

i

cant

get

over

it.

so i just whiteout over it again,

... and again

... and again.

...

and again.

i....... dont even remember whats underneath there now. yet it bothers me so much. i keep on whitingout.......

*sigh............................................

- happypills

[awktaev]

i decided to create this blog, despite how "sadgirl" and pretentious it makes me look, kasi saying my true emotions in this form was always easier for me.

i was hasty sa pakikipagbreak sayo. hindi dahil i regret breaking up, nireregret ko yung way kung paano ko siya ginawa. i was throwing around so many reasons, that it mustve been so confusing for you. and that time, kahit saakin it wasnt clear on why i felt like i had to do it. yeah, meron yung aromantic identity ko, but there was something else na i didnt know how to express.

kagabi, after i told ate and ayen na i broke up with you, i tried explaining my side. and while clusterfuck parin yung explanation ko, i was always 100% sure na whatever went wrong; it was my fault.

and kagabi, i came across a bunch of reels about attachment styles. and i was always calling myself an "avoidant" (even before pa) without really knowing what it means. but basically, it means that i avoid anything (or anyone) that feels "too real" and "too close".

for the longest time akala ko dahil lang siya sa mga undiagnosed mental illness ko. na baka kaya ganito ako, dahil may problema yung chemicals sa brain ko. and i guess totoo parin naman siya. pero mas naging clear siya after ko makita yung definition ng "avoidant attachment", and after ko makabasa ng mga comments mula sa mga merong ex na avoidant, dun lang nagmake sense saakin most, if not all ng issues ko with forming a relationship- platonic, but most often romantic relationships.

my biggest mistake about our break up was that i was too hasty, and i didnt try to find out muna why i felt that way. which was why i couldnt fully tell you why you couldnt do anything to "fix" it, kasi i didnt even know what you and i have to fix.

attachment styles naman daw aren't permanent. and it can change depending on whichever situation a person is in. but i know i've always been avoidant. wala pa ata akong nameet or nakausap na potential romantic partner na hindi ako naging avoidant in the end. and that includes you.

i thought i was being mature, not asking you to compromise yourself and your needs, while consistently shutting down my own needs to "provide" you consistency and stability because that's what i thought would make you happy and fulfilled in our relationship.

and because i was consistently shutting down my own needs (even after you told me not to), it resulted in me feeling like i was giving too much without receiving anything that would make me feel really secure and safe. you deserved so much more than what i did. i overlooked yung changes na you did for me, because masyado akong nagfocus sa changes na pinilit kong gawin for you- kahit na hindi mo naman sila dinemand from me.

i couldnt tell you then, what my expectations and needs were, because i knew that they were the opposite of what you wanted. you wanted consistency in communication, and occasional in-person meet ups. while i was fully content with knowing that you were there, and that you have your own life outside of me, and that at the end of the day, you love me.

i couldnt tell you at first na we wanted two very different things because you were the first romantic interest i had that stayed. and i was so scared of losing you, kasi if ikaw na very vocal about how much you love me- if i lose you, then that must mean na hindi ako worthy of being loved. or that i wasnt deserving of love.

but that wasnt your burden to carry. i shouldve been more secure sa part na yan, especially after how much i bragged about being more in tune with myself. and how much i liked calling myself "independent". what i shouldve done was communicate our differences early on, so we couldve worked on meeting in the middle. because thats what partners do for each other.

but i couldnt fully compromise with you, because the distance between us was what felt safe to me. and that was unfair, because you kept pushing back your own needs, to make up for what i lack. but i didnt always see it that way. i wasnt aware na my lack of "clinginess" towards you (and other people) wasnt me being "mature" and "independent" but was actually me being toxic towards the people that want to care for me.

i kept running away kasi i always felt like i was "performing" whenever i show my emotions, kasi i didnt grow up feeling like i had the right to show them. it was a weakness, having so much feelings for others.

nakwento ko diba? na lahat ng crushes ko before you, they (almost always) see my love as something na "nakakatawa" or like, it was stupid of me (someone who is undesirable/unlovable) to feel so much love for them (someone who is so perfect and good and loved by many). most of them changed their attitude towards me after i confessed.

so i developed my own defense mechanism na if i leave first, then my love wasnt a symbol of weakness. kasi i loved them, but i still left them. and doesnt that sound strong? i cant be rejected, if i "reject" them first, even though i loved them more.

and that was something so etched into me- in my heart and in my mind. to the point where it is something i cant change. it is something so familiar. it made me feel like i was in control of my life and my feelings, kahit na sobrang gulo nila parehas. they were all so complicated and messy, but if i act first, then im in control and i am not weak and unlovable. i just didnt stay long enough for them to be able to love me. atleast, that's what i believe.

but after seeing so many hate comments towards avoidant people, i realized i was wrong. i was wrong for ending it like that, but it also doesnt mean na i want to change my decision. im still firm na i want to break up. it's non-negotiable kasi i know na whatever healing i need to do- now that i have the right words to describe what is fundamentally wrong with me, i know that i have to do it by myself.

not because i don't trust you, or na i feel like you wouldnt be able to support me. but because sa lahat ng stories about avoidant exes na nabasa ko, the one constant thing was, they all stayed with their avoidant, and they showered them with all the love and support that they can give, but their avoidant still left. some stayed for 2 years, some stayed for more than a decade. and they were still abandoned. and i didnt want that to be you.

and even though i left you with what i thought were good intentions, they said na it was still an avoidant action, because i didnt do it right. i shouldve communicated properly what i felt, and why i felt that. even if sobrang takot ako sa magiging reaction mo. kasi either way you would've been angry at me. and it would be justified. but if i had communicated my side properly, then sana hindi mo nafeel na biglaan siya.

i dont think i'll ever be open to romantic relationships for the rest of my life. even if mabago ko pa itong attachment style ko, and even if maging mentally stable pa ako sa future.

i just want you to know na it was real to me. no matter the amount of doubts i had in my mind, i really did love you. i tried my best to offer you all the love that i could give. kahit na sobrang lacking niya. that was why i "altered" myself, to fit you. i was always thinking about the perfect words to say, kasi i wanted to make you happy. i was always planning my gifts kasi you said you appreciated them. i had lots of bouquet designs in mind, for every monthsary up to our third year, kasi sinabi mo you didnt receive any from your exes, and i wanted to show you na you deserve to receive "just because" flowers. you deserve the kind of love na hindi sila matatakot i-hard launch ka nang biglaan. the kind of love na aawayin yung pamilya nila kasi hindi ka pinapansin. the kind of love na magcchat parin kahit minsan antok na antok na sila. the kind of love na irreassure ka palagi kapag inaanxiety ka. that was why i did all that for you.

but more than that, you deserve the kind of love na hindi kailangan ipilit. the kind of love na hindi calculated yung bawat galaw and bawat salita nila- kasi it should come naturally. the kind of love na hindi magdadalawang isip na um-oo sayo kapag sinabi mo yung future plans mo sakanila. the kind of love na hindi magkakaroon ng doubts sainyo, kahit na takot sila. and that was what i couldnt give, because of my own issues.

but regardless of my own issues and fears, i shouldve been honest. i shouldve trusted your strength more. i shouldve trusted na you would still love me despite of my flaws and my insecurities. i shouldve trusted that you weren't gonna be like the others, na you wouldnt have made fun of my feelings, kasi you showed me naman na you value my thoughts.

but i left kasi i know na you would try to change yourself, and papagurin mo yung sarili mo to wait for me, until hindi ka na maging si agatha na kilala ko, para lang magstay ako. and hindi ko gusto na gawin mo yon, kasi i knew that no matter how much i loved you, i am not brave and secure enough to do the same thing for you.

i knew na kahit anong sabi ko na pipiliin kita, i knew na magffold ako once i start feeling scared. i knew na no matter how genuine i was with all my words and my gifts, binigay ko lang yung karamihan don sayo kasi alam kong yun yung magugustuhan mo. masyado akong natakot na malump together with mga exes mo na naging toxic, so i curated this "good and loving sarah" na binibigay lahat ng gusto mo, kasi i didnt want you to think na i would just run away from you again, even after giving me another chance to be with you again. masyado akong kinain ng sarili kong expectations para sa sarili ko, dahil gusto kong maging tamang partner sayo lalo na after ng mga exes mo, na in the end naging toxic lang din yung actions ko- without you knowing, kasi you didnt ask that from me. pero dahil sobrang takot akong makita mo ako in that way, umalis ako without explaining anything properly and honestly. and because of me hiding so much from you, i started projecting my own insecurities sayo. and kahit magapologize pa ako for the rest of my life, hindi yun magiging enough for all the pain and confusion na i caused you.

im sorry for giving you so many promises na i knew deep down i couldnt keep, habang nagsshow ako ng facade na i was being 100% honest and sincere. it was a really shitty move, and i cant take it back. and im sorry for thinking na i still deserve to be your friend after what i did. you dont have to forgive me and you dont have to forget all the hurt i caused you.

i knew the consequences of my actions, i knew na magagalit ka and na pinupush away lang kita ulit. i only wish i had done it in a gentle and honest way, at least for your sake.

i really do hope na magkaron ka eventually ng life partner/s na maffeel mong safe, and loved, and protected ka kapag kasama mo sila. you deserve all the love and peace na you want to have.

hindi ko sinulat lahat ng 'to para maexcuse yung naging actions and behavior ko towards you. after kong mapiece together yung feelings ko, mas naging clear sila saakin, and i atleast wanted to give you an explanation, kahit konti. you didnt deserve to feel na you were too much, or that you were asking for too much. you didnt overwhelm me with your love, hindi lang talaga sya yung love na kaya ko ireceive right now. and probably ever. but you will eventually find someone who can fully accept your emotions, yung tipong di mo kailangan bawasan yung sarili mo para lang tanggapin ka nila. i shouldnt have made you feel like you had to do that for me, kasi it wouldnt have worked naman. i had issues that i wasnt fully aware of, or i knew i had them, but i didnt realize that they were going to cause this much pain to others. akala ko ako lang yung nasasaktan. i was too focused on myself and my own peace, that i disregarded your feelings, kahit na you were always thinking of me. and i will always be sorry for treating you like that.

i know that this post isnt enough, hindi ko nga alam if gusto mo pa ba makareceive ng ganito from me ever. but i hope that this can atleast give you closure.

[laverrez]

it's so interesting to look back at the past few years and how drastically ive changed. at the beginning of covid, i was in college and heavily under the grip of my alt-right qanon family. i was openly trans and queer at school, but my opinions on politics and gun control and the upcoming election and covid and police- they were all bad, terrible reflections of how incredibly carefully they cultivated my experience of media and discouraged any exploration i might have wanted to do. i couldnt for the life of me understand why i was having an impossible time connecting and socialising with other queers attending my college, while wearing one of those stupid copaganda blue stripe flag masks, not to mention the fact i'd take it off the moment i stepped outside regardless of proximity to others.

i was so ridiculously blind to how awful that was. my mindset was twisted to think masks were horrible dangerous things because my mother refused to wear one and wouldnt let me, either- i thought it made sense to avoid covering my face because it stunted my breathing, which is already difficult because of asthma. i thought the stupid pro-cop things were fine because my mom had been a cop, and when i was a small pale blonde southern baptist child, i had experiences where cops were directly beneficial in making sure i was safe, or so it seemed. i thought four more years of trump couldnt be too bad when the alternative was a bad that was unknown. i thought everyone (without a history of violence or unstable mental conditions) should have a gun for their own protection, and that violent protests were harmful to their causes.

all of those past beliefs make me want to cringe backwards because they're so horrendously bad and hollow even in their 'defenses' that i always held ready. i dont truly blame myself for them, because it was beyond unsafe for me to have any other opinions in the boondocks of the appalachian mountains. especially at home, when my family was abusive and any extra reason to make them question me couldve spelled any number of harm.

my intention isnt to defend myself for being pickme. i can acknowledge there were ways to be silently educated and not spread harm and misinformation, or bolster a lot of the idiots that i did in their own harmful beliefs. i shouldve been, but i have an incredible toughness at keeping my mouth shut when i form strong values, and that's exactly what's happened as ive become more educated. im not tolerant of the hate and the stupidity anymore, and existing in that state while at home wouldve been dangerous, so i chose my priorities while having a vague awareness that i was doing something wrong without fully knowing why.

i regret that, genuinely. hindsight tells me i only hurt myself further by being cowardly, and that i caused harm to my community, too. it's incredibly liberating now, as an adult, to be able to stay educated (as i possibly can, without further blowing my mental health to shreds). to be able to be vocal about how wrong i was, and how wrong so many things are right now. to be able to feel indignant and angry at everything that's happening to people all across the states, across a country i was always told to be proud of and used to want to defend, but now cannot see a single thing good enough to balance even a sliver of all the bad. to be able to do good where i can to try to fix what harm i caused. to just do good for the sake of helping people that are hurt by this horrible government that's stomping on us.

i have come a long way, but i still have a long way to go. some of the progress is new, very new- but im doing my best to educate myself on the fact that ALL cops *ARE* bad, regardless, that the only reason anyone would need a gun for safety in the first place is because our country is so unbelievably unsafe for anyone who isnt an allocishet white man, and that violent protests are the only way to get anything done and have historically been what leads to positive change. im finding myself more and more passionate about these things all the time, and im so glad that im able to watch the people around me and learn from them. im thankful for the people who have been patient with me. i look forward for all the progress im to make in the future.

[lesbiten]

i was trying to sleep but i feel dannys ending couldve been done better. in the ep with the suddenly appearing forest, how much he cared for the kids was mentioned more than it probably needed to. in dark water, it was shown he killed a child in service and felt guilt. in one of the first eps of s8, he was upset at being accussed of being someone who would hurt a child (a sign of regret and guilt over what he did). i went into dark water and death in heaven, expecting that to influence one of his deaths... but they really didnt. he brought the kid back to life and sent clara to find his family, which is good, but i feel more couldve been done. like. when he went to sacrifice himself and all other cybermen, they shouldve had him mention not just his students, but all living children in general, saying hell make sure they wont ever have to face any cruelty and be hurt or something like that. and maybe, during his last talk with clara, he could of asked her to make sure that none of the students go down the same path he did (that is, entering the army). but. ahhhhhhhhhh. i feel like the whole ending for his arc should of been like a complete redemption(? i dont think this is the word im looking for) of his actions, making up for the bad things he did in life. also i feel he shouldve been pissed with missy. like. wasnt she going to kill everyone on earth and make them soldiers. which would include children.......

i need to sleep but i feel like walking in circles instead

ur literally right and like heres the thing. danny's death i think is a rare reversal of that "girl dies for man's character development" thing. in which danny instead ends up dying for CLARA'S character development. he dies and it pushes her to become more impulsive; his death is kind of the kicking off point for clara's full codependency w/ the doctor and her reason to abandon her regular life. and like. on one hand, is it some pretty solid character development for her? yeah! but also like. there's a reason this trope is hated so much. because danny is left with all his personal stuff and story kind of tossed to the side in order to make way for clara. which sucks! they should both get character development! danny could have died in a way that was impactful for clara but also made narrative sense for HIM as well. but whatever. looking too hard at moffat writing is never a good idea

[ivyuns]

love me in a year ✰❆♣♞

bang chan

genre: angst, fluff 

word count: 2.4k

warnings: kidnapping, restraints, y/n gets pregnant, grinding, drowning, weapons, a bit suggestive. if i missed anything lol oops

A/N: another shet show + from 365 dni (the ending isnt exactly like the movie btw)

for my gurlieeeee + happy birthday to @stanstraykidswoo​ <3

masterlist

mafialeader!bangchan x fem!reader

enjoying the summer breeze on the islands of hawaii, next to your friend made you feel relaxed. from all the work and stress you did, you finally earned yourself a vacation.

“babe!”

opening your eyes, you see your boyfriend (in a unhappy relationship) walks towards you. taking off your glasses and sitting up next to the pool, waiting what your boyfriend had to tell you. “i just got back from seeing the volcanoes babe! you shouldve seen it-” “we were supposed to go look at it together, dumbass” you cut your boyfriend off.

“w-wait y/n-” running away before he said anything, you got lost in a dark area. wasnt just sunny? seeing a group of guys look at you while trying to come closer. damn these outfits. your outfit consist of a short flowy, off the shoulder dress with heels. running with shaky legs, you looked around and saw everything get dark.

“are you lost babygirl?”

waking up in a soft bed, you look over and look at the unfamiliar room youre in. “where am i?” you whispered softly. walking towards a door to the hallway, the door wont budge open. shaking the door knob, it still wont burst open. giving up, you go lay back down on the bed.

closing your eyes to relax, you hear the door unlocking. quickly putting on your heels, you open the door and see nobody. following to which ever door took you, it seem endless. the endless numbers of stairs and doors you went though, you came across to a massive painting of a portrait of yourself hanging on the dinning room’s wall.

“oh my god”

continuing to follow where your legs take you, you were yanked away from seeking to your freedom. “are you lost babygirl?”. feeling someones presence behind you, you see a man. someone who you never seen.

“who are you and what do you want from me” you say and slowly back away from him. “chris is the name. you see, five years ago, i saw you on a beach. then suddenly i got shot and all i could think was you. these pass five years, ive been trying to find you and now” chris pauses his sentence and walks to a cup of ice, making you suck on it. “now i have you”

spitting the ice out, you got angry. “so what? you think kidnapping me is some kind of way to have me?” chris gets angry after your tone of your voice you gave him. he pushes you on a chair and chokes you lightly.

“i will give you 365 days to make you fall in love with me. and if that doesnt work, i will release you.” chris slowly lets go of your neck and continues talking. “i promise i will not touch you without your permission.”

chris gets interrupt by his phone. reaching his pocket, he sees his mafia friend who works with him calling him for help in the front. running to where to meet him at, you gave a few minutes before running on your feet again, trying to escape.

finally outside with a big open field in front of you, where you will be free. running, you stop midway as you see chris kill a man. witnessing what happened, you pass out due to pressure from everything.

-

the next morning, you wake up in the same room before but a whole different dress on you and a shirtless chris sitting in a chair in front of you. “let me out of here now” you shouted at him. “i need to get back to my family, my boyfriend!”. “you really think he still loves you? take a look at this” chris says and throws a small stack of pictures. pictures of him fucking another girl.

“a-are you serious?”

“yes im serious. oh and we’ll be leaving this place tomorrow. be ready” chris says and exits the room. “where are we going?” you quickly grab his wrist and stops. “to australia”

landing and going to the hotel. chris stops you and gives you the keycard to your room. “my room is next to yours if you need me”. nodding your head a yes, you enter your room and place your bags down and sighed. what is happening right now.

chris walks out of his room to see you look like a goddess. “y/n” chris calls out. turning around, chris grins with his dimples showing and grabbing your hand to head to the place you two are meeting with. chris opens the passenger door for you and makes his way to the drivers seat after youre in. while driving, he places his hands on your thigh, making you want more of him. avoiding his hand, you close your eyes.

arriving at your destination, it turns out to a bar. entering the bar, chris leads you to a room. seeing people, you hide behind chris bc youre antisocial as fuck

“y/n, this is aeyeong. ayeong meet-” “y/n. yes i know her name” aeyeong says, looking at you then back to chris, seducing him. “you know y/n, me and chris used to talk.” walking up to you. “and fucked each other” aeyeongs whispers into your ear. feeling chris wrap his hands around yours, you push him away and left the room.

“this happened a long time ago-” feeling tense, chris was about to turn and find you til aeyeong grabbed his wrist. “i thought you said we would last forever hm? took you long enough to find her. even of all our messages.” aeyeong grabs her phone and pulls up their naked bodies in photos. sexting.

“enough aeyeong.” chris grabs her phone and throws it onto the floor. running out of the room to look for you, leaving aeyeong to laugh.

-

“mr bang!”

chris turns around and sees his partner running to him. “y-y/n. shes with aeyeongs boss. i just got a call from him-” “shut the fuck up and tell me which room” “room 325.”

chris runs to room 325 and sees you grind on the boss. “y/n” chris growls. not paying attention to chris, you feel aeyeong’s boss grope your ass and suddenly putting a knife towards your neck.

suddenly feeling someone pull you away from the man and unable seeing things, chris and the rest of his members pulls out their weapon.

opening your eyes and see yourself on a yacht, you walk around and find chris. seeing chris talk shit about you to his other partner. “she just really had to run away-”

“im sorry chris” you spoke out. chris turns around and tells his partner to leave for a moment. “this is all your fault. youre the one who left the room and potentially tried to seduce him. do you not know what he couldve done?”

arguing on the boat and heading to the railings, you slip off and fall into the water. panicking, chris falls into the water and saves you. taking you out of the water and goes to lay you down on the bed and stands by your side.

a few minutes later, you wake up with water coming out of your mouth, coughing. chris turns around and goes to you with worried eyes. “y/n, i-im sorry. please dont leave me, i need you” chris softly says and strokes your hair with tears starting to fall down his cheeks.

lifting your weak hands up to caress his cheeks, you pushed him down and began kissing him roughly. regretting as soon as you saw the red in his eyes. “so now you want it?” chris growls and begins to attack you with kisses and hickies. feeling your clothes ripped away from you.

a few weeks later, youre back in korea. chris leaves you for the day, saying he has business to attend to and will call you later. but hours flew by and still didnt have any calls. sighing, you call your best friend, minyeong who yells at you though the speakers after the first ring.

“are you kidding me y/n? you cant just leave me behind at hawaii?!”

“i know i know, ill explain if you come over”

after she hears you say the sentence, she hangs up and runs to your place. opening the door for her, she starts speaking nonsense and you just laughing at her.

“y/n, this is serious. stop laughing and tell me what happened.”

sitting down next to her, you tell her everything. even when you love him back. minyeong at first didnt like what chris did to you and what his job it, but you beg her for you to have happiness atlas. with minyeong wanting you to be the happiest, you two go to the bar.

feeling someones eyes on you, you told minyeong you were going to the restrooms as she continues dancing. almost at the door, someone slams you onto the wall. “y/n, baby. i missed you so much. im sorry-” feeling tears streaming as you remember the past events and pictures. you forced him to let go of you and run back to your place.

he follows you back to your apartment without you noticing and as you take a seat with his loud voice scares you. “baby please” he goes closer to you and tries to kiss you until a voice rang.

“im pretty sure she wants you to leave”

he looks at chris then back to you then slaps you. “you fucking whore. youve been cheating on me when you left me didnt you” shaking your head a no and the tears uncontrollably falling as you try to shield yourself from another slap.

receiving nothing, you look up and see chris holding his wrist to prevent him from hitting you. “if theres someone else who was cheating is you. now leave you fucker” chris whispers in his ears and runs away.

chris looks down and sees your shaking figure. he goes next to you and wraps his arms around you so you can start feel calm. reaching to that point, chris picks you up and lays you on the bed.

slowly kissing you from your lips to your chest. chris begins undressing you til you stop him. unbuttoning his top, you see the semi open wound from his business. grazing your fingers over it as you hear chris slightly whimper.

“chris, im in love with you”

chris smiles widely. “im in love with you too”. you two continue the heavy make out which turns into a passionate sex for you both.

waking up with you on chris’ chest, you feel him showing a smile. he turns to the nightstand and grabs something small but worthy.

“y/n l/n, would you please marry me?”

nodding your head yes a bunch of times, you kiss chris on the lips.

-

heading back to hawaii, youre back into the palace where chris kept you in. waking up from your slumber, you go outside and talk to chris. chris sees you and tells his partner that he’ll be right back.

“hey hey babygirl, what happened? you alright?” chris leaves his seat to go to you as you start feeling shitty. “chris, i dont feel goo-” your eyes are shut closed and almost falls on the hard concrete til chris caught you.

“c-changbin! help!” chris yells out to whoever is out. your lips are slowly turning pale. changbin runs to chris with a blanket to cover your cold body and helps him carry you to the car. changbin speeds to the hospital with chris’ tears falling onto you, holding your hands and kissing the back of it. “please be okay, please please” chris whispers.

changbin parks at the emergency lot and chris grabs your body and puts you on the stretcher as the nurses sees you two. “please save her” the nurses all nodded their head and disappeared into the doors with a chris on the floor, sobbing his heart out, praying for you to be okay.

-

finally hours passed by and chris was left alone as he told changbin to go back to the palace. eyes all red and puffy with his legs shaking, full of anxiety. “mr bang?” the doctors call out chris. he stands up too quickly, making him almost loose his balance but the doctor helps him balance for a few seconds. thanking him, he follows the doctor to your room.

chris runs to your side as he sees your eyes open, with all type of wires attached to you. “y/n baby are you okay?”. nodding yes with a small smile, chris looks at the doctor.

“it looks like miss y/n was 1 month pregnant. and also looks like she wasnt taking care of herself either so mr bang, do y/n a favor and help not only her, but the baby”

you and chris nod your head, understanding as the doctor leaves you two. chris turns into his soft self. “i love you” he giggles. “i love you too chris”. scooting further away from him, you pat on the empty spot on the bed for him. chris smiles widely and goes to lay down next to you. you fall asleep from the warmth of your fiance as he hugs you. “and i love you too baby” he whispers and puts his free hand on your growing stomach. kissing your head and falling asleep next to the love of his life.

END <3

[positivelil-flower]

the getting old bullshit blues.

i think ive been on tumblr since 2011... 10 fucking long ass years. i'm gonna be a quarter of century this damned year lmaooo. crazy thing i dont think im at my full potiental. i still havent done the craziest thing i think i can do. so far ive had multiple one night stands, tripped really good almost hit God mode (ima get there one day), ive even done a couple things i dont regret but shouldve, couldve thought out more. a revolving door of dumb ass ex's that wont disappear into oblivion, another dumbass ex bestfriend who's so dick hungry she wont look past DICK to see that ive grown as a woman and everything isnt or wasnt about her. or to hurt her for that matter... but old news. i'm gonna enter 25 with nothing but gratitude for life. i pray a real love (not an old love preferably) comes around, i pray for wealth, health, a career in somethingggggggggg. shit im boutta be 30 even though alot can happen in 5 years i want the next 5 years to be nothing but greatness. im stepping and im gonna sit in my newness, my growness, my ability to love me unconditionally. especially because i feel like no one has. my good, my evil, my bad, my sad, my joy, my LOVE, everything that comes with me i will love. at this point now that im thinking about it its not really the getting old blues anymore, its just stepping in your newness. and i will gladly oblige, like i have been doing. i think life really started for me when my godsister passed. 22 i became me. my birthday is in 2 sundays the 26th... these past 2 years have taught me to LOVE MYSELF and do what the fuck you want. cause its Gods world but im starring in this bitch. i love me and i loveee yah keep being. thats my message for the getting old blues, its just newness.

[sainamoonshine]

Bagginshield fic I will never write but have thought about a lot so I’ll share the idea here (long post)

So the hobbits have this... thing. 

They call it a curse. 

Most of Middle-Earth would probably disagree, but they honestly find it inconvenient and a little embarassing, so the hobbits don’t really want the rest of Middle-Earth to know.

Basically, when a hobbit dies with regrets, heart filled with woudve-couldve-shouldve, they tend to get a second chance. 

They wake up back in the past, in their younger body, the whole time-travel fix-it shebang

which would be fine, they suppose, except that everybody who was involved in the regret comes back with them

Imagine you live a long life and are at peace with your choices and are ready to go

but that fucker down the road still has his panties in a bunch over some love triange or some shit that happened thirty years ago so you have to COME BACK with him and everyone else who got involved

Imagine if that happened to everybody. all the time. Over every. single. family dispute. 

It would be un-tenable, that’s what it would be. 

So the hobbits, in general, do their best to go peacefully. To live un-eventful lives, and forgive others upon their deathbed, and not rock the boat. 

It doesn’t mean that they can’t have grudges! They do, and they,re good at them! You just have to not REGRET them when you die, and you’re good. 

All that said, it should really be no surprise that one Bilbo Baggins goes to his deathbed in a boat towards the immortal lands and wakes back up at the age of 40-something in Bag End. He had a lot of regrets, after all, and just couldn’t help but wish that maybe... maybe things could have been different. 

Now, at least Bilbo didn’t drag any other hobbits back with him. He would have never heard the end of it.

(Can you imagine? Mad Baggins, breaking the “100 years without anyone coming back” strike that the Shire managed to rack up. Lobelia would have had his head. No, it’s better if the other hobbits don’t know.)

So Bilbo goes to Rivendell in order to inform Gandalf and Elrond that there is a Ring about and that he intends to destroy it. 

Naturally, they don,t feel really great about letting him go alone, so Bilbo ends up travelling with young Ranger Aragorn and Elrond’s own lovely daughter, who was only allowed to go because she allowed herself and also because Bilbo knows for a fact that Sauron is in Mirkwood right now so it’s not like it’s gonna be dangerous (much).

It’s dangerous.

At some point Bilbo ends up getting up close and personnal with a Warg that tries to take off his face, but Arwen and Aragorn save his life and they trudge on to Mordor with impressive wounds that are certainly going to scar

Once in Mordor, the rings tries to get Bilbo to keep it and...

It’s hard. He’s never going to pretend otherwise

But Bilbo Baggins had two regrets that brought him here, and both of them involved letting the Ring near someone he loved. So the minute that this vile thing suggests that Bilbo should use it to save Thorin’s life, or made Frodo’s life easier...

Aragorn and Arwen basically see Bilbo yeet the Ring into the fire as if he’d just seen a spider crawling up his hand and was trying to get it off

(Nonsense, he says later. He’s fought spiders and none of them were ever as repulsive as the Ring)

In any case Bilbo now knows that his business is done, and his biggest regret taken care of. No matter what happens now, he has saved Frodo. He will not come back again, will not be given a second chance. 

So he goes back to Bag Ends, and waits for Gandalf to come and tell him that the time has come to join another adventure. (Even though Sauron is gone, he has made Gandalf promise to stay in Middle Earth long enough to see Thorin’s Quest through. And what was Gandalf to say to that? Bilbo had just gone back through time and saved them all a war. Of course he agreed.)

This time, Bilbo makes sure to have a feast ready for his friends. He missed them all so much, and a tiny, small, ridiculously hobbitish regret of his HAD been the lack of hospitality he had shown the first time around by not having food ready for his dwarven guests

Dwalin is the first to arrive, of course. But the minute Bilbo opens his door, things to off-script

BURGLAR! WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?!

Neither of them realize what this variation means, at first. Bilbo answers something about having had a disagreement with a warg, Dwalin comes in, and then...

It’s when Dwalin sees the feast that he finally puts two and two together

He remembers. Bilbo remembers!

So it turns out that all of the thirteen dwarves also came back to the past. Not all at once; they came back slowly, in the order of their death. Dwalin was among the first, then Gloin, then Nori and Dori... The only ones left to ‘wake up’ were Thorin, Kili and Fili, and they’re expecting it any day now

They’ve been quite confused, as nothing like this had ever happened in the history of the dwarves, not even to Durin. But they most certainly figured that it was a dwarf thing. None of them had ever expected Bilbo to be one of them too!

Bilbo is e x t r e m e l y embarassed to explain that it’s actually a hobbit thing. And a... [whispers] shameful one at that too

The dwarves don’t get it.

The others arrive, and all of them exclaim on Bilbo’s scars, but he doesn’t even mind because he is so, so happy to see them again. And be remembered!

Kili and Fili knock on the door, a bit late, and he can see in the way they look at him that they know, too. He can also see by the tears on their faces that it’s recent. He wastes no time in hugging them and welcoming them into his warm home. 

Eventually they all realize that Thorin is most definitely not here yet. Bilbo sends Fili and Kili outside to stand at the end of the street, ostensibly to help Thorin finds the way if he happens to be lost. 

(In actuality, Bilbo suspects that they’ll need a moment with their uncle.)

Outside, Fili and Kili do find Thorin, who’s doing something only slightly more dignified than loitering

He’s only just remembered, and it’s an emotional reunion all around

Until he tries to insist on cancelling the quest

Hold the fuck up they say. We are NOT cancelling the quest! Everybody’s already inside, and they all remember, so if anything we have an advantage we didn’t have the last time!!!

Well yeah but at least we shouldn’t trouble the-

BILBO KNOWS TOO UNCLE

he’s waiting for you

So Thorin is eventually convinced to come inside

Only to loudly exclaim over Bilbo’s warg scars on his face, who finds that this is starting to get a bit old but he’s crying and smiling too much to put up much fuss

After the meal, they both go outside for some quiet and a smoke, and Thorin strokes his cheek tenderly and laments how Bilbo almost died before their second chance. 

(It had taken Bilbo a long time, even after he’d returned from the quest, to put a name on his own feelings. He’d been grieving for a long time when he realized that it was love that he was grieving, and why the widows in town looked at him like one of their own. They’re recognized it inside of him long before he had. It had been a little easier, after that, to breathe through the pain, and to let time do its work. It was always easier to heal what you can name. It had never occured to him to wonder wether Thorin had loved him too.)

(But on that quiet night, with Thorin’s hand on his cheek and his sad gaze boring through his, he knows. and he’s not soon to forget.)

They go on the quest, knowing most of the dangers beforehand which is a plus. 

Thorin doesn’t want to go to Rivendell, to which Bilbo answers “alright then I’ll just go, have a nice meal and a nice bed, get an escort through the mountains, and I’ll meet up with you on the other side I guess, my king”

Thorin is flabbergasted and eventually relents

Dwalin finds it highly amusing.

Bilbo regrets bringing them to Rivendell the moment he steps foot inside the valley though

The elves are very happy to see him, they bow and wave at him, they sing songs about his courage

it’s all very embarassing

When the dwarves ask him why all that, he kind of has to fess up that he tossed a ring into a volcano, nbd

Very, very big deal, immediately contest Gloin and Dwalin, who remember the war of the Ring the best

So Bilbo ends up telling them the entire story, in bits and pieces

His description of the thrall the Ring once had on him makes everyone in the room go very, very quiet

Afterwards Thorin finds him alone and silent, gazing upon the gardens with fingers fidgeting with the pocket of his sweater-vest, and he just silently hugs him

No words needed

Then they cross the mountains and avoid the goblins and the wargs. They make good time, even visit Beorn again

But Mirkwood was always going to be a problem.

Gandalf decides to fuck off to visit Radagast, who has been trying to heal the forest, leaving them alone despite Bilbo telling that this is a very, very bad idea

(he secretly thinks that Gandalf just doesn’t want to deal with Thranduil, the ass)

The scene goes a lot like the one in the book, with the enchanted stream and everything else. They get captured, but not separated this time

Thranduil is an ass to Thorin, who honestly does try to not be an ass back but completely fails

So Bilbo just pushes his way to the front of the group and starts to sass try and do some emergency diplomacy

Hey Thranduil you know who I am? I defeated the shadow that turned your forest into a pile of shit. Yeah, you owe me one, give me my stuff back and let me and my pals through 

Thranduil does know about the Ring-Bearer, and so he agrees to let Bilbo through the forest with anything that he can carry upon his back

(yeah you know it you know what’s coming you all saw that movie)

So Bilbo goes oh yeah? I got your word for that?

and then just picks up Thorin and tries to leave the hall with him on his shoulder like a sack of potatoes

(Bilbo feels like he’s going to die after three steps but the look on Thranduil’s face is priceless and he has already won those negociations)

So Thandruil calls him back and agrees for the negociations to go to recess and let’s talk again when we’ve all cooled down a little

so they are served a nice meal by elves that are trying not to burst out laughing, and Bilbo glares his dwarves into not being too rude and fucking up what he’s trying to do here, particularly you, Thorin

Anyway then he talks to Thranduil again one on one and after assuring him that they have a plan for the dragon, and that he will get his white gems, they are let go

The company doesn’t wait until their elven escort is out of earshot before bursting out laughing about what just happened 

Kili and Fili inform Thorin that they’re voting for Bilbo to be their new King. Bilbo 2020

Thorin replies that perhaps Bilbo can have a job as their official diplomat if he wants it and as his consort

Bilbo tells them all that he sold his house in the Shire so he sure as HECk hopes that someone gives him employment in the mountain when they,re done

Thorin is very pleased to learn about this

They get to LakeTown, where they waste no time getting The Plan (tm) into motion

Basically Aragorn has pledged his rangers to come help them (Bilbo has so many people pledging their help to him after he destroyed the ring and he’s a little embarassed about it to be honest but not above using it to keep his dwarves safe), so all they need to do is convince Bard to go set up in the ruins of the old city with a big-ass bow and they’ll divert the dragon his way, and the rangers are there to have his back should orcs come uninvited to the party with an army.

(Bard does not like the idea of orcs showing up but Bilbo breezes quickly past that part and doesn’t give him time to ask questions)

Anyway so Bilbo goes into the mountain, wakes up the dragon, says incriminating stuff about coming here with friends through the ruins, and off is Smaug, trying to roast an old empty town with one (1) skilled archer in it

Smaug dies RIP smaug

The dwarves waste no time bringing in the people of Laketown inside the mountain and calling for allies, knowing the orcs are coming soon. Thorin doesn’t even take a look at the gold. Everyone else keeps him distracted anyway so it’s not like he even has the time to think about it

He does ask Nori to go and see if he couldn’t find the mithril shirt again though, and he does gift it to Bilbo again

This time, he tries to actually take the time to explain what it means for a dwarf to make a gift this precious to someone even more precious, but Bilbo lets him stutter his way through half a sentence before he tells him that he knows. He knows and he feels the same way.

Which is great and all but they do have a battle to get through.

The elves show up at the door, and Thranduil barely has time to open his mouth before Bilbo’s like Hi and Thanks for showing up for this siege and If you could just bring your archers over here on top of the wall that would be great thanks

Some elves from other parts of middle-earth show up, too, including Lorien which everyone finds weird except for Bilbo who had found the lady of Lorien quite lovely, the one time he’d seen her on his way to Mordor with Arwen and Aragorn

(She had given him a cloak that had turned out to be quite useful in hiding from Smaug’s gaze, even though it was no Ring)

anyway they have a lot of allies and support and the orcs and goblins are few, since Dol Guldur stands empty and all

so the battle goes very well, with few losses on their side

So everybody lives

And then Thorin and Bilbo go on and get married the end

[thevmontgomery]

Montgomery Family Values

After Rocky’s vigil, Vanessa comes home to gather a few things and is unfortunately met with a Montgomery sibling meeting.

included: @montgomery-malachai triggers: homophobia, rocky’s death, slut shaming, 

Vanessa: There were few situations Vanessa ever felt like she didn't have any control, there was only ever one that she's ever truly felt powerless: when it was her and her brothers. Vanessa had only came home to get a few things knowing that their father would be out, but caught her eldest brother Nate staring back at her with disappointment in his eyes as she was instructed to follow him to the dining room table, Kai already sitting there. She hadn't been home since she ran away and Vanessa knew it was only a matter of time before she would have to face her family. Her family that changed the locks on her, her family that took her son from him took every piece of existence of the boy out of the house, the family that made her feel like she didn't exist the majority of her life. Vanessa sat down across from Kai, not bothering to make eye contact.

kai: Kai hardly had a relationship with his eldest sibling, even when they were younger, he had always been closer to Vanessa. Something about Nate being able to bring out the almost submissive puppy in Kai, always breaking the hard exterior he built up as their conversation went. He had been sitting in the living room, his brothers eyes on him when they heard Vanessa pull up. Kai getting sent to sit at the dining table, popping one of his /sales/ in his mouth, dry swallowing it as he sat down. Hoping to feel something other than sobriety in this impromptu family meeting. His head glanced up as he heard the clicking of his sisters heels, rolling his eyes as she avoided eye contact with him. A part of him not shocked that she had left him with the two people he had hated most in the world, but a part of him still hurt by it.

Nate: "Sit," Nate instructed, sitting at the head of family seat. Looking over his siblings all he could feel was disgust and disappointment. "Have you two learned nothing?" he started. "All you two have done since I enlisted was cause Hell in this house. Mother would be turning in her grave if she knew how you two have become? A fucking useless teen mom and a drug dealing fairy. You two are going to wisen up and you're going to wisen up now!" his voice thundered. Nate turned his gaze to Vanessa, "And what do you have you have to say for yourself? Do you know the mess father and I have to clean up because you and those god awful Bells? Do you want to be one of their gang sluts for the rest of your life? You already fucked up your life getting pregnant and now you're going to let them ruin your life some more? You're going to pack up all your shit wherever you are and come home /tonight/. Not tomorrow, not when father is gone, /tonight/. And you..." he paused turning to Kai. "Fort Union Academy will be expecting you to move in this weekend."

kai: shook his head as Nate brought up their mother, no one in the house understanding Kai, especially after the accident. Talking or thinking about his mom was hard, let alone the thought that he wasnt what she would have wanted of him. He knew deep down that his mom would be disappointed in who he was, but he enjoyed himself, he loved himself. /most of the time/. His eyes glaring daggers at Nate as he addressed Vanessa. Knowing she went in on herself day in and day out, and now with rocky being gone he knew it had gotten worse. "dont act like you give a fuck," He spoke, for once getting bold with his brother. Instant regret washing through him as he turned to him, his brow raising, "youre funny if you think im getting shipped away like some fucking amazon return," he knew at that point he already sealed his deal, and he shouldnt have kept talking, but he had.

Vanessa: Even though Vanessa in her brain was the more mature one out of the three, she was also the most weak willed out of them and easily persuaded when it came to her family. She already felt so alone in the house that she would do anything to make her family happy with her again. Nate's words were hitting Vanessa like knives and she became that sad little forgotten girl once again. Tears started forming in Vanessa's eyes. Maybe if she had been a little nicer, a little prettier, a little smarter, a little more like her parents wanted, Rocky might still be here. If only she would have been enough all of this wouldn't have happened. "I... I get it, Nathanial," she said weakly, curling into herself. He was right. She was ruining everyone around her and letting other people ruin her. Before she could say anything else, she looked to Kai, shaking her head to stop him. Vanessa knew how cruel Nate was to Kai. She gave him a look of warning, hoping he'd stop talking. She'd take the beating if it meant Kai would be safe.

Nate: head snapped once he heard Kai's reply. "I don't give a fuck about some fag who is dead set on being a disappointment for the rest of his life. I'm concerned about our slut of a sister who killed our brother. Or did you forget?" He stood up, palms pressed against the table and eyes of fury. He took a deep breath, pretending to add some softness to his faith. "She's useless, beyond help according to father, but you.

Nate: head snapped once he heard Kai's reply. "I don't give a fuck about some fag who is dead set on being a disappointment for the rest of his life. I'm concerned about our slut of a sister who killed our brother. Or did you forget?" He stood up, palms pressed against the table and eyes of fury. He took a deep breath, pretending to add some softness to his faith. "She's useless, beyond help according to father, but for whatever reason he thinks you can be fixed. A year at military school should /straighten/ you out in one way or another. It's not up for discussion. When father comes home your hair will be black again and you both will be grateful that he is continuing to let you live in his house. Do I make myself clear?"

kai: "No all you give a fuck about is impressing the image of a man who has never been a father to anyone but you," he spoke sharply, his whole body telling him to stand down. That his brother wasnt going to take kindly to his words, but the fire he felt in his skin from hearing him talk about vanessa, he couldnt stay quiet. "Shes amazing. If you took a fucking second to look past what father has warped into that peanut brain, you wouldve seen the person she really is. Shes not a slut, shes not an idiot, shes not useless. Shes fucking family!" Kai spoke, standing from his spot, "Everything she has ever done has been to make father happy, to make you happy. And for what?! To be forced to live a lie her whole life? She didnt kill our NEPHEW. She didnt go to that appointment knowing that Vince fucking Bell would bring his gang ties with him. You dont get to sit here and lecture us when you arent even fucking around to see anything happening anyway!" He rolled his eyes, catching the way he spoke the word straight, "Yes because a year with only men around is really gonna make me only want woman. Smart plan on that one homie,"

Vanessa: "I didn't kill my son!" Vanessa finally spoke up, the pain clear in her voice. "You think I purposely got my son killed! I wish it was fucking me! I wish every fucking day that I was the one who died and I know you all wish it too! You wished it when Mama died and now you're all wishing it with Rocky gone," she continued, tears rolling down her cheeks. All she wanted right now was to drown herself in vodka but she couldn't right now with Nate of all people here and Kai catching onto her habits. Vanessa fell into herself, slowly breaking down for the first time in a long time. It was like everything came flashing before her. She knew her family hated her, knew her family didn't nor ever loved her, and it was all just resurfacing. She looked up for a second, puffy eyes immediately going to Kai and mouthing "stop". If Nate was already dropping the F word to Kai, it would only escalate from there.

Nate: "It should have been you," he spoke sternly, not bothering to even look at Vanessa. His full attention on Kai. He shoved Kai in his chest forcefully putting him back in his chair. "Don't get loud with me, Malachai. You think because it's just you here now you're the man of the house? He died because your sister didn't know who the fucking father of Rocky was. If she hadn't been whoring around there wouldn't have been an appointment. You let her go to that appointment alone. You're just as much to blame as those fucking Bells. This is your last straw, Malachai, last fucking chance. You want to learn what it's really like to be alone? You wanna get sent away too? Don't push me."

kai: "Like it shouldve been me when mom died? Bet you loved telling an 11 year old that everyday for months," He spoke bitterly, a groan falling from his lips as he was shoved back into the chair. His head snapping up to meet his gaze. His words sinking in and knowing there was plenty of truth to them. "I shouldve gone youre right," He spoke, "But you know who else couldve? You. You know who couldve stopped Vince being involved from the gun? You." Shaking his head, "Im already alone Nathaniel. This place is simply room and board at this rate. We arent a family, weve never been a family. father and yourself have made damn sure of that,"

Vanessa: heard the garage door opening and looked to her brother with desperate eyes. Thankfully, Nate walked out to the front to meet up with their father who no doubtly wouldn't even bother even saying hello to any of them now that his precious son was here. Vanessa waited a moment til their brother was far enough, "You're not... you're not a you know what," Vanessa whispered, not even daring to call him the F word. She hated the way Nate spoke and treated Kai. Kai always got the worst of Nate's anger especially since the youngest came out; usually Vanessa was there to defend him but in this moment she was being beaten down so bad she couldn't think straight. "I'm glad it wasn't you," she added.

kai: 's eyes shifted to their sister, his eyes soft at the look on her face. he could see how affected she was by nates words, the fire in kai only growing. shaking his head as she spoke, "he cant say anything I didnt say to myself for years. I know the stigma around bi men, as shitty as it fucking is," He shrugged, "Everything he said about you isnt true V. You arent useless or an idiot, youre an amazing human. Im glad youre my sister," He spoke, a smile gracing his lips as she spoke, "Im sorry you lost your son V, neither one of you shouldve been lost that day," He spoke softly, himself and V being the closest to Rocky, it hit home hearing Nate talk about him. As if he had a relationship with him.

Vanessa: "But you're not, I'm not going to let them send you away. I'll take whatever daddy has to throw. I won't let you be alone," Vanessa spoke. She got up from her seat, moving to sit in the one next to Kai. "I love you, little brother," Vanessa spoke, putting her head on his shoulder. The conversation was all too much, but everything Nate was saying was true. She believed every last word. She was useless. She was a slut. She was all of it and worsy. "It should have been me," she mumbled.

kai: "I like what I like, no one can get mad at me over that. Not logically, i aint doing harm," He shrugged, " We're never alone. As long as we got eachother we'll be ok," He spoke, resting his head on top of hers for a moment. "I love you too big sister," He knew her gears were turning, knew every word nate spoke was on repeat in both their brains. "It should've been me too," He spoke softly

Vanessa: "No harm, though, you could have better taste in men," Vanessa teased. "You think things would be different if Mama was still here? Or that she'd turn on us too?" she asked weakly. She knew her mother loved them, know deep down in her heart that Malachai and Vanessa whom she always joked were her precious little twins considering how similar they looked (way before the blonde locks and the shaved pink hair), but she also knew that her family wasn't perfect. That her father's heart was cold long before their mother's death. Would he have turned their mother cold too. "At least if it was both of us, we'd be with Mama..."

kaii: "as though you got any room to talk on that front," he teased, rolling his eyes jokingly. His smile falling as he thought of his mothers, the words of his brother ringing between his ears. "I think Mama wouldve looked out for us," He spoke softly. His connection with his mom strong from the jump, he was a premie baby. So he needed the extra love at the beginning, and not much has changed in his relationships since. But himself and the two females of the house were practically attached at the hip, having inside jokes and comments, little memories that no one else could recall. Their mom being the reason people never knew if the two siblings were twins or not. Their family was a mess, no doubt about it. Anyone looking in could see that they werent a family, but merely people coexisting in a home that became a house the day their mother lost her life. And thats what finally caused Kais tough exterior to break. All the memories and thoughts of his mom came rushing back, the ones he had pushed aside since that day in the car. Tears flowing but his face never changing from its stoic expression, a part of him scared that his father or brother would walk through the door. Calling him a fairy and other terms because he was showing emotion. "I miss her so fucking much.."

Vanessa: "the men i date are the best of their groups thank you very much," vanessa replied, sticking her tongue out. she took a deep breath, noticing how silent her brother had become. she shouldn't have brought up their mother. it was a sensitive topic for vanessa, but she wasn't there when their mother died. she wasn't the one who had to watch them pull her lifeless body out the car. vanessa turned to kai, right away seeing his tear stained face. she quickly used her shirt sleeve to wipe away his tears, ears listening closely for footsteps. the last thing they needed was either of the elder montgomery men coming in and seeing kai in tears. it was already world war 2 in their house, things didn't need to be worst. "I miss her too, but I need you to be strong for me right now? Okay, KK? I wouldn't ask this if I didn't think you could do it. Daddy can't see you like this. Just go to my room and lock yourself in there for the night, they won't bother you if they think it's me in there. I'll stay out here and deal with Daddy."

kaii: He allowed her to wipe his tears, tilting his head back as he caught his breath. He knew better than to be showing emotion, given that the two people he feared the most were beyond the door. But everything had become to much for him, every decision made in his life flashing through his mind. A gut feeling telling him she wouldnt be proud of him, and that hurt more than anything could say to him. He nodded to her words, "I know I know," He spoke quickly, rubbing his eyes slightly, "After all this I will. Im not leaving you with them alone,"

Vanessa: "Go." Vanessa said more forcefully. She wasn't going to take no for an answer. Vanessa knew all too well how their father was towards Kai. She never protected him from it, just hid in her room and pretended to be interested in whatever Nate was talking about in order to have someone to keep her from fully freaking out. "Whatever they do to me isn't going to hurt me as what they do to you. Go."

kaii: "No," He spoke with a headshake, "we're in this together V, from now on. You and me," He spoke with as much force as her, "We cant protect one another if one of us is just running off," He spoke, not meaning the double meaning behind his words, and not realizing till they were already out of his mouth, "We need to be united, it has to work,"

Vanessa: "United."

[taliasburns]

I, L, X

I - The last time I felt jealous, and why.

i honestly cant remember. i can be a jealous person but.... recently havent had situations where i couldve been jealous i suppose?

L - If I have siblings.

already answered

X - If I’ve done something I regret very much.

i do things i regret all the time akfdgdf, honestly the thing that pops up isnt directly me regretting doing that. It was the best choice at the time tbh, it was needed. But more.... regretting not taking action or doing smth i shouldve done sooner after that

no more