#rude for whatever reason which like. weird. but No This Is Fine I'll Make It Fine Maybe It's Just The Distance Idk :( so he keeps trying n

[bylertruther]

"it's not my fault you don't like girls!" is such a crazy line for so many reasons.

they filmed versions with mike saying "you don't like girls yet" but didn't use it. hm.

"you don't like girls"? so... mike knows, right? and he backs down because bringing it up (even though technically it's not uncalled for since will was the first to make it personal but anyway) clearly hurt will?

"it's not my fault" so mike recognizes that will is unfairly zeroing in on him? that he's upset with mike specifically being the one to get a girlfriend and abandon him, himself, and their party for her?

"it's not my fault" so it's true that he feels suddenly cornered and attacked here, and that's why he puts his foot in his mouth? that he really wasn't trying to be a jerk like many still think?

the general fact that mike obviously is not the reason will's gay, but also he kind of is very much the reason lmao.

the way that he basically says "listen, i know that you're gay and all, but did you seriously think it was going to be you and me, together, us and only us, sitting in what has always been our safe space doing that which has always brought us joy, forever?" and will responds with a very simple "yes. i did. i really did." that kills and breaks the heart of everyone in a 5k mile radius including them. :(

[yahoodarling]

Ayato/Thoma x SelfAware Gn Reader part 1 6.5k words

General warnings (not all themes are present in this post): yandere themes, mentions of suicide(in theory and enacted) and major spoilers for Inazumas quest line including character stories. 

Author note here: I understand the narrative style of this fic is going to be a little bit different than usual. This fic highlights a lot of internal thoughts and justifications so the description of things isn't as ‘fluid’ as normal. I hope you enjoy it anyway.  I want to post this as a ‘teaser’ of sorts but mainly to see how it gets received. The next update would be the completed fic. I see it potentially reaching 17/20k words but if people don't like the style then i'll just have to see. 

It's disgusting. It is discomfort incarnate to have such foresight into the fate of the world and yet be bound to its own laws of destiny, especially when what you were sure was to take place is altered. You no longer have any ground of understanding except the uncanny feeling that things are not as they should be, to be so similar and yet be so changed. You knew things will end up alright, as long as you do not interfere then Inazumas political warfare will reach a peaceful end and it did. You watched, noted those ‘special’ to the world, those who have a story, a life, a reason and you took the responsibility of not getting involved and it worked. You became an npc, avoided any confrontation with those deemed ‘special’, avoided any influence in the ‘plot’, watched as a hero came, a nation saved and a people newly united. It worked. Your foresight was correct yet… things changed. With no base to rely on, how were you to know what the ‘future’ must be, how were you to know what to avoid, who to avoid and what minor choice may change a future?

The hero has left, gone to Sumeru you guess, no, you know, you know the hero leaves for a new nation but so has your foresight and with that comes the change.

The one day gathering supplies, one day speaking to a fellow npc to fill some sort of social need, one day being in the ‘dark’ and you've caused a spark.

“Oh Aoi, good morning to you!”

He didn't speak to you, it was directed to the npc shopkeep you were chatting with and yet it grabbed your attention. Thoma is ‘special’, Thoma is relevant and so he must be avoided and you failed. 

Thoma spoke of how lovely the nights have been, of the soft whistles of sea, even to npcs Thoma was a gentleman starting conversation. He then noted how ‘unique’ your eyes are, a depth to them hes never seen before. That comment frightened you, made you rush to leave, to stop the change. Quickly you felt a hand on your shoulder,

“Please excuse my rudeness but how about we have a stroll? I know its unfair of me to ask a stranger such a thing but… you remind me of a home away from home, if you would grant me such a pleasure that is.” he ended with a chuckle.

You have been so realistic up to this point, so good at avoiding ‘change’ but you have a heart and knew all too well that whatever feeling Thoma is experiencing is something important to him. You have a heart and so you accept.

A single light hearted stroll became a weekly meet at the shop front, ‘coincidentally’, which became a personal relationship which became a friend. It's alright though, Thomas is a social guy, he's close with many npcs who never impacted the ‘plot’, you can be one such npc, that's fine. Change is fine. 

It's not fine. Meeting with Thoma you eventually met with other ‘special’ individuals you knew by name before they even knew of your existence. It's a weird feeling to know a person before getting to meet them, all the private details, their worries, their joys and yet to remain oblivious.

“A formal greeting from the Kamisato Clan, I am glad to see Thoma has a new friend. Do treat him well, sadly I must make short of this meet.” and the man who is most likely the most influential to whatever ‘plot’ is to come of Inazuma greeted. Kamisato Ayato was amongst your top ‘DO NOT ENGAGE’ list other than the archon herself and yet somehow naive bliss and a VERY convincing plea(almost suspiciously good) from Thoma to have lunch by the beaches near the residence of the Kamisato Clan lead you right into his ‘life’.

You have no ‘life’, you are meant to have no ‘life’, no value or effect and yet by each interaction with those deemed ‘special’ by the world your plans crumble.

Ayato then promptly bowed and walked out the residents gate, a body guard joining him as he started his track along the path you had just taken towards the city.

“ah right, he has that meeting. A pity, if his schedule was more open id have asked for him to join us.” Thoma turned to you with a quick hesitant smile, “he's really not as imposing as you may think he is. ah well… maybe he still is but just in a different way then what the people expect. If you'd like, maybe I could let you know when my lord and I are doing something casual, if you would be comfortable with that of course.  I forget just how intimidating the idea of being casual with a clan lord can be to someone who doesn't know him as well as I do.”

“Thank you for the offer Thoma but i'd like it if we just kept it the two of us. You are right, the idea is a little frightening right now.” 

You knew what Thoma meant by all that, he means that Ayato is a genuine person underneath his political mask. Ayato is a brother, a friend and a man caring for those deemed under his protection and to those lucky enough to see under his mask they may be met with the unlucky fate of becoming a target to his mischievous nature. 

Still, the idea of getting involved with someone so influential is nauseating even if just for something ‘casual' as Thoma has in mind. In truth you shouldn't even be here, here near the Kamisato Clan, here near someone like Thoma, here in Teyvat in the first place. You shouldn't be here. 

“I see, that's expected haha.” Thoma smiled at you wildly, reaffirmed at the idea of something going on in his mind (if only knowing what said idea was was as easy as opening a character profile and reading a line directly out of his thoughts) “Well we are still here for a good time. Let me get that blanket and pillows for the beach quickly. You are going to love it!” Thoma quickly skipped into the yard of the clans walls while you waited outside and watched as the npcs you recognized pattered around the area. 

That one person at the commission board, you had forgotten his name by now after fulfilling Inazumas reputation months ago. There was the old lady sweeping in the yard, what did she comment on again? … … it never came to you, it was all forgetful anyway. 

A sudden feeling of envy hit you. They were forgetful, oh how lovely that would be to ease your nerves. To know that each day the sun rises you can follow your coded script without fear of altering the fate of the very universe by the time the sun goes down. Wow, you've messed up haha. 

Thoma returned quickly as promised, a blanket and two pillows clutched under one arm as a basket was held in another but probably most heavy of all was the giant smile on his face, wrinkling his cheeks with a sense of genuine happiness. No wonder you messed up, it would be impossible to say no to him. It's all his fault and yet you felt you could never put the blame on him. 

“Well, sorry to have starved you of your lunch for so long, we are nearly there and I can't wait to see your reaction.” Thoma then lead you through a short path of the surrounding forest and down towards the beach. 

Perhaps your recollection of the game isn't accurate, you could have sworn a group of enemies should be nearby the beach here but all along the coast line was just gentle laps of the waves apon white sand. Thoma layed out the blanket with little worries evident on his face, he placed both pillows down then removed his shoes, each unclad foot stepping on the blanket to avoid spreading sand all over it, you promptly did the same, sitting down and placing the basket you had down next to his. 

“This place is lovely at any time of the day but especially during sunset, I would have asked for you to join then but I feared it would make things inconvenient for you but still, spending the afternoon here is just lovely nonetheless.” he criss crossed his legs and then beamed at you.

“Come on then, don't keep me waiting, i'm dying to try out one of your baked goods.”

Right. One of the first things you did when you realized you were now living in the game was (panic, cry, internally scream in confusion as to how this has happened and if your world will keep on going and you aren't in it) actually to set up an identity for yourself. Running around and claiming to have come from another world and how you somehow know very personal details of select people and the future fate of the nation would lead to either your banishment or a future altered and possibly worse where peace was not founded, the resistance killed off and the entire plot of the ‘game’ thrown off. Not a good idea. Instead you tried to incorporate yourself into the ‘npc lifestyle’ as quickly as possible. You came up with a backstory that befit this world, you are a failed Sumeru scholar who has come to Inazuma to lead a new simple life outside of your failures. (In truth you stole inspiration for the backstory from some npc you think was on Sangonomiya Island.) It makes sense, people you tell won't  ask you more about your past details in fear of being insensitive and Sumeru scholars are sometimes brought to Inazuma. You explained your (fake) predicament to a shop vendor who referenced you to the local baker who took you on. Now you bake goods behind the walls, don't face any customers and have a very npc-like backstory and job. You set yourself up well which was helped by all the knowledge you have of this world. Too bad you messed up all that work and are sat in front of someone ‘special’. Maybe you can salvage the situation, maybe it's not as bad as you think it is, you only have ‘maybes’ which isn't helpful since you had a ‘definitely’ to rely on before Inazumas ‘quest’ was finished by the hero. 

You just smile at Thoma and reach your basket. “I made some simple bread rolls and brought some butter and jam but I also made some black sesame biscuits before leaving work. Thanks again for convincing my boss to let me off early today, things get busy there.”

“Not a problem, I don't often take days off either but I think I just needed a break today and imagined it would be a nice chance to get to know you more. How about you pass me one of your rolls in exchange for a serving of okonomiyaki? Sorry it's probably cold by now but should still be good.” He reached into his basket taking out some wooden containers as well as some cloths, likely for cleaning any spillages, and handed you one with you exchanging and giving him a roll and butter from your pack. 

You both nibbled at each other's creations, the bread rolls were still slightly warm on the inside since you had baked them before leaving, which Thoma commented on how lovely it is with the butter. The okonomiyaki you took pieces out of was cold but packed with various spices and toppings which really highlighted Thomas skills. 

“I just love that we can do this!” Thoma announced after his last bite. “I love getting to make and share things with friends, it's touching the combined effort put into it as well as the delicious outcome we get to enjoy. Haha, my lord and I do a similar thing but its outcome is not as enjoyable as warmed bread and butter, if anything it's concerning haha. Remember how earlier I said how he can be a little intimidating, our little cook outs are one such example. I really have to steel myself for those.” he chuckled and then leaned down on his elbows.

Once again, what he's trying to explain is something you already know of but need to act oblivious to. You have to convince yourself to be unaware and yet need to be aware enough to avoid ‘changing’ anything, this task has grown rather wearing but is essential to keep up your act. 

“Oh? How could cooking together turn out so threatening? You two are close though.”

He laughed

“It's because we are close that he feels he can torment me with his cooking. I swear, i'm surprised i haven't kneeled over and died yet. Worst part is he knows its tomenting, it's the best part to him! Agh- i've had so many of my own treats i've made be ruined by whatever his plan is. Haha, its amusing to look back on but just so daunting in the moment. When I said we could do something ‘casual’ with him I do not mean having one of these cook outs haha, I could never subject you to that.” 

The nature of the conversation stayed light hearted, you both exchanging from your baskets while sharing stories or light hearted moments, you had altered your side of things a little, you spoke truth of personal events but under the filter to fit with your backstory, that way lies couldn't catch up with you or forgetting lots of little made up details. The outing was rather pressuring in concept, so much could go wrong since you are involved, but in reality it was very nice. You had kept yourself back a lot when it comes to building relationships with the people around you in fear of your influence potentially changing something important but you are still human and still have social needs but even people like your boss, coworkers and the shop vendors you chat with in passing never fit what it meant to have a friend, to have someone to sit next to and simply have a good time with. 

Maybe you've been in this world for too long, you fear you may slip into making a ‘normal’ life here now that you've had a taste of what it means to ‘live’.

The sun started moving, waves became more rash upon the shore and the signs of the afternoon turning to evening became evident. You started packing up your basket and containers, lightly chatting on with Thoma about the seaside. To the side you heard footsteps and Thoma sat himself up straight to look at the oncomer. 

“Oh! Done with the meeting my lord?”

Your hand slipped in fright, the container lid clattering as you tried to put it with its matching box. Shit, why is he here? Shouldn't Ayato be too busy? Isn't that one of his whole character points? Not once was ‘strolls on the beach’ mentioned in any of his character lines. You looked up and smiled at him in greeting, your face tugged up tensely and trying very hard to look at ease. You decided it would be easier to let Thoma handle him and just got back to packing your things away. 

“Good evening to you too,” he chuckled softly and shifted his gloves, “the meet is done without any problems. When I got back home I wondered if you were still out here, seems I was right. I can now also fix a prominent mistake of mine.”

Even though you tried your hardest to avoid eye contact and look busy it's not like you had mountains to put away, you were left empty handed with a pair of well polished shoes in front of you, their sheen contrasted with the speaks of sand now defiling them. You took a breath in and looked up properly to meet his gaze. 

“I do apologize for being so rash earlier, I would have liked a proper introduction. As you can surmise i am Ayato, Thoma has mentioned of you before and I am glad to have the honor of meeting you in person.” he smiled in greeting, no doubt he would have offered a hand or a bow if you both were at the same height but for now a smile would do. 

“Right, it is truly an honour Lord Ayato. Thank you for extending your welcome to me.” you bowed slightly.

He laughed slightly, deeply amused. 

“Do just call me Ayato in private like this and last I recall, yes my property is in the area but that doesn't warrant me the entire beach side. In truth I have not welcomed you at all.” 

Thoma sighed slightly, “My lord please don't tease them so readily, I would like to eventually re invite them here but I can't do that if you've scared them away.”

“Of course, maybe then I can truly offer my welcome and they may join us to tea in the confines of the clan.”

Thoma sighed again at the slight continuation of Ayato's mischief. You took the opportunity of their exchange as an opening and stood up.

“Thank you for the food today Thoma and for bringing me to such a lovely place. I'll get going before it gets too late.”

“Oh, let me walk you back then.”

You shook your head in defiance, “No need, I know the way and it doesn't make sense for you to walk all the way just to have to return. Bringing me here was amazing in itself.”

You turned to Ayato and bowed again, less in respect and more so to keep away from eye contact. 

“Thank you again Lord Ayato. Stay well.” and quickly you make your way off the sands of the beach and towards the trek back home into the outer city. 

Thoma and Ayato stayed still, simply watching you go in silence until you were out of eyesight. It was Ayato that broke the silence.

“You are sure they do not carry any ill intent?” he said monotonously, still looking at the spot you disappeared to.

“I am sure. They are a decent person and I double checked, they don't have a past linked to any organization. Sure they are rather anxious, I see it often, a little skittish at times and slightly paranoid but it's not at the prospect of the clan. Haha, if you've taught me anything it's to be aware of people's intentions, if anything they are trying to run away rather than to get close. I can assure you, they don't have an agenda against the clan.”

Ayato breathed out, then turned himself to properly look at Thoma, his face relieved. “If that's your judgment it must be true then.”

…

An odd moment of silence spread between the two of them on the beach, both looking out as the sky took on warmer hues of yellow and orange clashing with its deeper blues. 

“You've been coming here a lot more recently and to have invited a friend here as well, has your mind been on your homeland?”

Thoma chuckled and leaned back out on the blanket, now dusted with sand and corners crinkled after the day's events, “I have. Thinking about the mountains of Mondstadt and all the memories just out there across the ocean. It's not in a sad sense, not at all, it's just that recently-,” he paused, looking away from the ocean and down to his lap, slightly gnawing on his lip in thought, “recently i've felt more… connected with myself. It's a nice feeling if not slightly concerning. I feel i'm getting to know myself better but it also just clearly shows how much i have yet to discover.” He sighed, closed his eyes and fully laid down on his back. 

Ayato looked down on his friend, doing as he does best and figuring out just what was going on in his mind, his feelings, the reasons for such feelings and the potential catalysts that brought them about. He kneeled down onto the blanket beside his friend, form straight from a lifetime of practice. 

“Does your new friend have anything to do with it?” he asks only to be met with silence, Ayato doesn't need an answer, he already knows it's true but just why that is so is still unknown.

“It isn't that you have fallen for them have you? I didn't think of you as one for love to occur after a reasonably short time.”

Thoma opened his eyes languidly and responded this time.

“I don't think it is love. Not yet but… i'd say i've definitely fallen for them haha, in whatever way that is i'm not sure but it feels… unbridled in nature.” he closed his eyes once more and shook his head at his own emotions. He tugged on a smile and relieved himself of his weighing thoughts, “So i'd appreciate it if you don't chase them away okay? I look forward to figuring out what's going on with both myself and with them.”

Ayato nodded wordlessly, not needing to disturb the quiet with a response.

…

“Ayato, did you notice the look in their eyes? It truly just- it just instantly made me feel like i was reliving my home town but also… not. It was familiar but also so foreign.”

“I hadn't gotten a good look at them in truth. They seemed rather determined in keeping their eyesight on anything but me.”

Thoma nodded in acknowledgement, “Makes sense. I do hope they warm up to the idea of the three of us doing something together eventually. Haha, once they've settled their nerves they are very comforting to talk with, I think you'd like them.”

Comfortable silence stretched along the two, the shades of yellow and orange in the sky deepening to reds and purples. 

In time Ayato stood up, no doubt with the intent of work to finish. He turned to leave before side glancing at Thoma. 

“The nobushi that often occupy these beaches, you've disposed of them correct?”

“Did it just this morning to make sure the beach was safe for today as well as to clear out the threat they bring.”

Ayato sighed in annoyance. 

“I still can't understand how those ruffians believe they outwit us, thinking being close to the clan means they may spot our vulnerabilities.” he shook his head slightly, like the ‘danger’ the oathless samurai possessed was nothing but a pesky fly. 

He then made his way back to the clan home leaving Thoma to steep in his own thoughts. 

It was after this interaction that you decided to cut things down. At first you imagined Thoma to be the safest ‘special’ person to come across, given how social he is and loved by many you could become a face in the crowd while also tending to your social needs and appeasing Thoma who, and you still wonder why, wanted to get closer to you. Following the path you've taken recently, of course you were wrong, infact Thoma should have been on that list of ‘DO NOT ENGAGE’ for the very reason you thought it was safe to, he's social. Very quickly you had realized in your time meeting with him that he would smile and wave to many walking by, one such instance was panic inducing when you noticed Yoimiya come over to greet him. Before she had fully skipped up to the both of you you had promptly dismissed yourself and ran back to the confines of your walls to avoid meeting someone so ‘special’. 

This was Thomas' problem, he is the network that is connected to so many ‘characters’ that by staying by his side means undoubtedly meeting with the others. Today's incident was clearly that, you met Ayato, you were right there at the clan bordering the line of stepping into the grounds of one of the most impactful places of Inazuma and it was Thoma that had convinced you to do so. You had been too lenient on your rules recently, too selfish. You don't follow these rules you've written up for yourself because you want to but because you know it's for the better of the future and altering such a future because you can't stay inline is selfish to every being in Teyvat that could possibly be influenced by your choices. 

To live means to influence your environment, to live means to leave an impression that proves your existence. You wish for nothing right now other than to ‘die’, be void of life and find comfort in that, to finally release the stress of what it means to have all this information of the world and not belong in it but you are still human, you have needs to fulfill and ‘dying’ is not one of them. 

It was time to cut Thoma off, it hurt because you knew it would hurt him but it would be better this way. That night you closed your eyes to rest, determined on your new path but gut wrenching in a myriad of emotions, fear, pressure, uncertainty, sadness. You haven't slept well ever since coming to this world and that night was no different. You fell asleep cursing the ground you walk on, cursing the details that swamped your mind, cursing your very existence and the trouble it causes to both this world and yourself. 

Seperating yourself from Thoma was simple, firstly you changed your shopping time, no longer ‘coincidentally’ meeting with him like you had these last few weeks. Secondly, you asked your boss for more work, that way you have an excuse. You aren't a ‘bad guy’ for just leaving Thoma, no its because work has been busy and you just don't have the time. This system worked, you hadn't stumbled on him while in the city and the few times he did come to your workplace you simply told him that you were busy and needed to get back to work. This system went on for weeks and was perfect for devoiding your existence of ‘live’, which yes was depressive, you could feel yourself go mad at the amount of work you put on yourself and lack of outlet, but it worked. The extra work did help with the issue of mora as well (the value of mora being confusing ingame where how a single egg was 400 mora and yet 1 mora is represented as a single coin but you realized quickly it was just the ingame market system) which lightened the financial strain a little. You worked from early mornings to late nights, arms dead by the end of the day. In truth you know it isn't a healthy cycle, often coming home and skipping meals just to bathe and sleep, but it was necessary. 

Inazumas rains soaked the land, luckily no thunder was present but the trek from the city to nearby village was still made difficult in the wet weather. Your eyes focusing and unfocusing, legs on autodrive walking you towards a particular customer of your workplace who the boss is very fond of. The old lady you were delivering to had been coming to the bakery for years but in her age can no longer make the walk to the city. Your boss found it mandatory to provide for such a loyal customer and so your weekly walk to deliver her breads was on the way. 

In the rain was silence, just the sound of your wet shoes on the mud and the rhythmic clank of the wooden box you carried and its latch. The world began to blur, shapes and colours combining as the rain obscure your vision and the melody of your steps, the rain's patter and the wooden latch soothed your mind. Peaceful, a sleepwalk yet not unconscious. 

Peace is never retained. 

“Look, a stray lamb. Ha! The rain brings fortune indeed.” a swallowed out voice but a few steps away from you got you out of your daze. A wandering samurai, perhaps 3 all together, walked from the side of the path towards you from the river. If this had been ingame the confrontation would be nothing more but an annoyance, 4 ‘characters’ to choose from to easily snuff them out or the option to just run away until they gave up chase. In reality this confrontation means little less than a deathly denouement. Heavily armed, well trained men with seemingly no morals and a thirst for sick entertainment against a human bering no vision, a basket of bread and a fatigued body leaves little wonder as to how this will end. Panic arose at the realization, the very human phenomenon of ‘fight or flight’ kicking in, and as a baby bird strives to the air you push off your feet, adrenaline quickly awakening your senses and urged your body to a change of direction and just as a fledgling's first flight you fall. Hard. Your mind may have awoken but your body had not caught the message, instead you lay your head in the dirt, all motive diminished, just your sad existence lay bare for a bunch of hostile mobs, stupid coding of copy paste enemies, to take your life. In all honesty this is perfect, you wish to retain as accurate to an npc life as possible? What better way than to die a meaningless death. That brought enough comfort to you to allow yourself to close your eyes (disregarding the other factors such as shock, exhaustion and most likely a concussion from the fall)

Perhaps a few of your questions will be answered now, if you die here will you reawaken into your own world? Will the months of lifetime in this fictitious game be nothing but a dream or will you truly die and merely sink into the mud as nothing more than a mistake upon this world? Neither as it seems the feeling of the rain pelting on your body ended, the sounds of swords being drawn and clashing washed away and your head, though still paining, layed on something far more welcoming than wet earth. 

“Are you regaining consciousness then?” you feel hands lean your body up, a hand moving you face side to side prompting your eyes to open. They are met with the analytically eyes of Ayato still looking over your features for whatever wear and tear you may have gathered. 

“To have fallen so gracefully in such a life threatening moment, truly your abilities are unmatched to any I have seen before. I am surprised you garner such mud and bruising, I had expected you to be dressed in only the most comfortable of clothing by the way you so effortlessly went to rest.” Oh for fucks sake-

You properly awaken, now relying on your own balance to stay sitting upright and Ayato moving his hands away only to have his eyes peering closer to you. You swipe at your face, lumps of mud clinging to your hand in turn. You heave a sigh just to gather yourself for a moment before speaking. 

“What happened? Why would you be here if it means I'm not dead? Ah- sorry,” you jumped into accusations before even giving thanks, not suspicious in the slightest, “my head is still sore. Sorry, I must thank you for rescuing me, I would be dead if not for you.” 

Ayato hummed and nodded his head. “To answer your question, I was on my way to the city before the rain started, not wanting to get wet I waited here under this shelter until I saw you stumble right into that group of noboshira and now we are sat here. As for your apology, it's accepted, you are welcome.” 

Why was he acting like this? Mischievous sure but with a slight hint of pride or cockiness in vulgar terms. Sure he's a noble but usually he adores the ‘polite lord’ act rather than ‘cocky aristocrat’. His attitude reminded you of how he interacts with those he deems ‘close’ rather than a stranger he's met only once. Yes you are close with Thoma which may influence how he sees you but surely not to the extent of you two being ‘close’ in turn. 

And still you must play the fool, be gracious and oblivious like you could never tell between his mask and his true face. 

“Thank you so much Lord Ayato, truly you've saved my life.” 

You stand to bow, to leave but he holds your wrist at the movement.

“Do not move so hastily now, the rain is still ongoing and I would not like to see a recurrence of you laying in the mud, no matter how amusing the first time may have been. Do sit back down.”

No denying that, no matter how much you wanted to make distance between the two of you, trying to run away would only cause more problems. You sit back down on the bench, a rickety structure just outside the village with hardly enough space for two. 

You look to the ground at your feet, watching as rain drops just a few inches away. Ayato sighs, made clear you have no intent of starting a conversation. Perhaps his political side kicks back in, going blunt and straight to the point. 

“You have been avoiding Thoma these last weeks, he's become distressed at the idea he's done something wrong.” you do not reply. 

“Is it because of my involvement? I understand you may be pressured by our difference in class but both Thoma and I have made it clear that should not be a problem when in private so why is it you fear me? I have seen those intimidated by my title but your anxiety runs deeper than that. I personally don't care as much but if it distracts your relation with Thoma then I suggest it should be dealt with.”

This questioning is unnerving, it is tearing right to the point where the only truth is to reveal the true origin of your situation. That cannot happen so you reply with what you usually do, not exactly a lie but a truth wrapped along with missing context. 

You fake a sigh, “My Lord I am… I am an introverted person by nature. When Thoma approached me I- I accepted his conversations not to be rude and i do genuinely enjoy being with him but i- he's a social person, I knew he was and it was uncomfortable for me to get involved but I tried it's just the moment I met with someone such as yourself, someone so… powerful I realized just how large his social circle is. I can't keep it up, being with him means being with others and I cant handle that.” it was the truth, yes you played it up a bit but hopefully it's an explanation Ayato would accept. 

“So you do not consider your friendship special enough to warrant such efforts?” 

“No!” you lift your head to him, for once properly looking at him, “It is, he is special, he is special beyond your understanding it's just that… I don't fit in, I don't belong by his side and meeting you and others just proves that.”

Ayato looked at you for a moment, seemingly lost in your words, perhaps not understanding the phrasing you used but he quickly morphed back into his usual laid back but self assured look.

“Was that your decision to make?” He let out a soft huff of air and looked forward to the oncoming rain. Why did he wish to avoid the rain? Given his character trailer where he casually accepts it, his skills being water based and summoning quite literal rain not to mention the casual manner his attacks have him kneeling right into it, how could he act so off put by walking along when the storm was hardly harsh, a summer spray in truth, you wouldn't have accepted going on this delivery if the weather was any worse.

“It's comforting. Something I can appreciate both from a distance and up close. Water has a tendency of being both stubborn and flexible, it moves as it wishes and chips away at that it deems in its way. When in motion it is hard to stop, when stagnate it proves hard to move.” 

Ayato turned back to you, eyes alight with something more than just his blue hues, they appeared with a sheen, not from the gloss of tears but of something you couldn't exactly tell what it embodied. Without a character profile to read it actually is very hard to tell what goes on in his mind. 

“Such waters remind me of you. So stubborn in some label you've put yourself under and yet so quick to wash away when it is threatened. You call such a label as being ‘introverted’ but I imagine it's something more isn't it? Perhaps it is insensitive of me to get into, from Thoma I hear you've had an unfortunate past in your time as a scholar and the depths of your reason may lay there but if you truly wish to integrate into a life in Inazuma then avoiding the people you come across, myself and especially Thoma, all under the pretext of being ‘introverted’, then you will find your burdens much heavier.”

In a very storylike fashion the rains seemed to ease, droplets turning to drizzle. Ayato stood up and readjusted his coat cuffs, “At the very least explain to Thoma your reasons, I did not exaggerate when I said he has become distraught.” 

You stood in turn, head buzzing but no longer in the previous pain. You nodded to Ayato, your anxieties haven't shown any actual proof and yet you hurt someone who has shown nothing but kindness and acceptance to you, it is wrong. 

“I will, you are right.”

Ayato offered his hand to you for a hand shake, both as an untold promise to explain yourself to Thoma and as a simple goodbye gesture, you shook it with a strong resolve. 

“I look forward to hearing more about you in the future. Do keep yourself well and avoid potential naps in the mud, it's not the most comfortable of places.” he smiled at you with a cheeky glint of amusement before turning his back and walking to the direction of the city. 

You sat back down on the bench, intent on waiting out the remaining drizzle, and leaned against its wooden pillars. It's all so conflicting, when you try to do right for this world you hurt and confuse those around you, if you try to appease the people around you you risk threatening their future. You bare a cursed mind of information, a cursed existence upon this plane, it isn't right to affect others by the curse you bare but it also isn't right to devoid someone so giving as Thoma.  You sit and contemplate until the drizzle gives way, your carry box placed by your feet filled with breads untouched by dirt and still awaiting their destination. 

Ayato strolls along the path to the city, it is not his usual reasoning for taking the trip but still a reason worth doing so. Along his path all threats had been eliminated, you should arrive just fine but it wasn't that which plagued his mind, rather it was a soft sense of amusement, a sense of glee that left him softly chuckling to himself. He adjusted the cuffs of his gloves, a sign to his Shuumatsuban in hiding that they are to leave him for a moment, once the soft shuffling of unseen ninja pass he turns is view to your direction, the distance hindering the sight, he needed a moment to himself, to gather all possible elements at play to give reason to his unspoken questions. 

“As expected, Thoma was right, they do hold some degree of depth.”.

[spaghettinoodlesworld]

The English Love Deception

Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Jude Bellingham X Reader ft Trent Alexander Arnold

synopsis: Y/n's crush Trent sends her a wedding invitation to his wedding with the person y/n hates the most. Y/n is in a major need for a plus one and a job. Will the rich rude arrogant boy next door be of help?wc: 1988 words

warnings in this part: swearing

a/n: This is my first time writing an enemies to lovers fanfic so do tell me what do you think and if i should work on a part 2. If you have any requests do let me know.

You wake up in your dark bedroom with the only source of light being the eerie-looking full moon. Mind you your room is cute af, but now the room was greenish-dark with extremely weird vibes.

The glass door, which doubles as a window and a door to your backyard, is naked with no curtains viewing your backyard, which now seems to be some sort of a graveyard with graves of random people you don't know.

Despite the uncanny silence, all was fine until a shadow of a man limping in your backyard approaching the door/window whatever it is.

Because of your unlimited intelligence and your possession of a one-of-a-kind brain, you elegantly slid the door to your backyard because stupid you wants to see the danger.

Well, no shit you’re the character that dies first in a horror movie. The one that goes, "oh let's go check out that very creepy-looking, dusty, filled with cobwebs, desolate house with the ripped curtains cause why not it looks absolutely safe haha."

So you slid the door open and some cool vapour gushed into the room. Do you stop? hell no. You look at the dead-looking limping man who now appears to be wearing some sort of football jersey. Yup, it's a zombie what do we do ummm maybe run? you just stays there waiting for him as he moves his rotten hand towards you and says, "you know what's ridiculously tasty?"

You definitely need to stop watching these Neymar edits on TikTok 'cause now this man is not only haunting your fyp he is haunting your nightmares too.

You wake up from the dream looking at the clock to find it saying 7 pm. You have slept the whole day and the reason behind that is your man, the love of your life, the only boy you have crushed on who happened to be your best friend too has sent you an invitation to his wedding.

Trent Alexander Arnold, the Liverpool football player, was getting engaged to the person you hate the most in the entire world, Hannah Atkins.

Trent and you were neighbours and very close friends before he moved when he signed with Liverpool. You used to rant to him day and night about that ugly ass bitch Hannah whose main job in this world is to make your life a living hell by spreading rumours in our friend group and whatnot. He used to comfort you and tell you how to deal with her.

However, due to distance, the communication decreased, but your connection was still there.

That was until pretty Hannah, who somehow got her hands on a love letter you wrote to Trent that you never meant to send to him anyway.

You thought you writing a letter will help you move on from him but little did you know was it ruined everything. She sent him the letter and it ended up with him politely rejecting you and I quote, "you were like a little sister of mine whom I'll continue to support forever."

"Well I don't think you're supporting me Trent when you send me a wedding invitation letter with your name and Hannah's name together," you mumble to yourself.

He's getting married to Hannah next week. You know it's been a year since the Trent incident but you still can't help but feel betrayed by him and you can't fight the urge to slap the shit out of that Hannah.

You got up and remembered that your girls bunny and MJ are coming over and the house has close to nothing to feed the girls.

You lazily put on a random hoodie of yours and throw your hair in a messy bun because you’re not like other girls *wink*. You’re going to the grocery store across the street you down need to go all out so you won't bother to wear your contacts your glasses will suffice for now. Nothing is gonna happen anyway, right?

You leave the house and walk by your neighbours' fancy house You always can't help but stare in awe at it every time you pass by only to be interrupted by their dog who happens to hate your guts. You wonder if you happen to meet the owners of the house will they hate you too

The dog has some serious issues with you cause whenever you pass it starts going crazy and barking loudly this doesn't usually happen with other pedestrians.

You get to the store and start making your way to the snacks aisle choosing them good good chips and as you make your way back to the cart you bump into something that sends your glasses flying away.

"I'm so sorry ma'am," you hurry to say to what you assumed is a female as you without your glasses equal useless.

"ma'am? and I thought my day couldn't get any worse. Even you a monkey-looking desk think I'm a girl now," he, who turns out not to be a she, replies.

You sense that you’re getting humiliated and despite seeing nothing but a blurry tall figure you won't stop and watch your dignity getting spat at.

"what's the attitude bro? You bumped into me, my glasses fell and I apologised when it was actually your fault. If you please hand me my glasses so that I can take a clear look at the person with enough confidence to call me a monkey-looking desk"

"Listen dumbo I don't have time for this BS I got more important matters to solve like dealing with this cheater of a bitch. I have seriously had enough of the female population today," he says as he types something on his phone aggressively.

"I can see why she- I mean I can't see but I can sense the reason behind her cheating I actually pray for her mental health after dating such a man with a lack of self-respect as yourself."

"You're talking big when you don't know who you're talking to," he says with a lower tone in an obvious attempt to intimidate me.

"I don't give a damn who you are I see disrespect I say disrespect. Apparently, your girlfriend saved herself from an ugly crazy dude now it's my turn to do the same."

You tried to move away from him, but you could tell he was getting closer when you instinctively backed away until you found your back pressed to a refrigerator.

"I admire your courage," he puts your glasses on your face and said, " now do tell you do you still think I'm undeserving of the confidence I emit as you said now that Dora the explorer got her vision back?"

You look up to look him in the eyes to find him deeply staring into yours. The distance between you can be measured by a ruler literally. You were at a loss of words your eyes were busy eating him up that your brain wasn't comprehending what was happening.

You were so angry that this man who was indeed taking your breath away. If there is one thing you are not, you are not delusional. You can tell an attractive man when you see one and you admit it to yourself. You should not cower down but something about the way he was looking at you captivated you and it seems he noticed it too as a little smirk grows on his face.

"Cat got your tongue? Now that your vision is back you can't speak? Should i take off those glasses off of you for a sneaky reply?"

"All I have to do is scream and you won't like what will happen to that pretty valuable face of yours," you should try to get away safely and peacefully but the boiling blood in your veins thinks otherwise.

After he uttered those words he doesn't budge but continues to stare you down and study your features as if by doing so he will carve your picture in his brain and curse you forever. You didn't even notice that he left until someone asked if the shopping cart belongs to you.

You return back home to find your friends Bunny and MJ already inside waiting for you. They know your passcode and you trust them with your life.

"Girl, where have you been? We've been waiting for a while now," Bunny says.

"I'm so sorry guys I went to get us something to eat," you said while setting the plastic bags, "I don't think today is my day."

"I don't think any day is gonna be your day if you keep yourself locked in his place," MJ says taking the bags and opening them.

"MJ don't say it like that!" Bunny cries trying to sugarcoat MJ's usual bluntness. They complete each other and you are so thankful for having them in you life.

"so the both of you think I'm a loner with zero life and now that we received those wedding invites my life is ruined," you say as you noticed them taking out their invitation letters form their bags simultaneously.

"umm pretty much," MJ responds. "No of course not," said bunny pushing MJ as she walks to you. You know she thinks so but Bunny would never admit that to your face.

"oh god"

"More importantly, are you going or not? cause you definitely should" MJ said drawing your attention to the fact that you forgot that now you got an invitation you should respond.

"As much as I hate to but I must but there are two things stopping me now" you tell them sitting on the cough crossing your legs while open a bag of hot chips.

"which are?"

"i need a plus one," you responded. No, the invitation didn't say so but you said so.

"Do you need a plus one or do you want a plus one?" Bunny questioned reading your mind and actually knowing the answer to her question.

"I need a plus one. I can't show up to the wedding alone. My pride would never plus it'd would be a sign to Trent that I've moved on and I don't need him or his so-called support."

"What's the other problem?" MJ asked taking the bag of chips from your hand.

"I need money to buy a new dress. I hardly got some pounds to sustain day to day expenses and I won't ask my grandparents for more money they already do much."

"y/n, i told you not to quit the job. We could've went and taught that girl Hannah and her ugly friend of hers a lesson," MJ argued.

"What's done is done now help me think of ideas of a job that'll get me quick money before next week," you say as you get your notebook to write the ideas.

However, the moment you finished your sentence MJ's phone lit up.

"Trent just sent a text," she says, "It says 'Hey MJ. The boys from the English team are throwing a house reunion party at Bellingham's house in an hour. If you and the girls are free join us.'"

Both MJ and Bunny go crazy but you can't hear what they're saying. The fact that Trent didn't send the message directly to you hurt you, and as much as the thought of meeting Trent again angers you. It also warms your heart that you would actually see him sooner and not in tux with his wife next to him. Mixed feelings all over the place.

"I'm cool I don't mind," you finally tell them.

"omg omg omg we are actually doing this? Like putting the Trent scenario aside, we're meeting the English team like the actual team that played in world cup. I need to fix my make up," Bunny said walking to your vanity.

"okayyy but y/n why is the location pointing to the house next to yours? Do you live next to Bellingham as in Jude Bellingham???" MJ suddenly stood up.

"And who must that be?" you said confused. You did watch the world cup but if you're being honest you haven't watched all matches.

'OH MY GOD YOU LIVE NEXT TO WHOM?" Bunny stood too.

"I KNOW???"MJ turned to look at her.

"As much as i like the sudden uplift of the mood and i sincerely hate to be the one to ask but who is this Jude Belli-"

Before you finished your sentence, Bunny shoved her phone to your face.

"Oh hell no" hell no indeed. isn't that.?

"What? know him now?" Bunny asks.

"Um guys no but yes."

"We don't do witchcraft nor do we read minds so please do tell us," MJ replied.

How do you tell them that you made a scene with this boy, apparently an English player who now plays for Borussia Dortmund. Well, it doesn't change the fact that he is a short-tempered piece of shit an attractive one but still shit.

"This is going to be a wild night," you say as you head to your closet to find something to wear. You try to calm your nerves. you don't know what's stressing you out more meeting Trent and his soon-to- be wife if she's there or meeting the self-centered boy from the supermarket.

"Spill the tea about Jude now," MJ demanded.

You tell them the story and wait for their reactions as they were still in awe about the whole encounter thingie.

"I refuse to believe such a thing about Jude. He's an absolute gentleman. Are you sure you met the same person?" Bunny argued visibly annoyed by the scenario.

"I'll get my popcorn this is going to be fun," MJ smirked as she too started to freshen up herself.

[dreammeiser]

Hi! I love your work and I absolutely adore your DAWM designs!!! I hope this isn’t a rude question, but I saw you mention you previously were involved with the Jim Henson Company and was curious about your experience and what working there looked like for you? I hope this is not overly invasive of an ask, and I completely understand if you’re not willing to answer for whatever reason! :3 Thank you for your time ☆

Aw gosh! Thank you so much for the kind words! Not invasive or rude at all, I appreciate you asking-- I just usually keep most things to myself unless asked, haha!

Oh man, where do I start... Working there felt surreal! I got to see people I admired nearly my whole life around the office and TALK to them every day-- I don't want to drop names but a lot that are famous in the puppet community. And they were the nicest people at the office too, I still talk with them sometimes! They had a room that had some clay maquettes from previous projects that were gorgeous! We had a resident puppet chilling around the office from old pizza commercials named Bad Andy and sometimes we'd goof around with him! He was a little monkey guy! I was too shy to play with him a lot, which I shouldn't have been, because the others would just make him say bad words anyway, HA!

The guy, dying ^

One of the female Skeksis from the Dark Crystal movie was encased in glass near the kitchen so you had to pass by it every time you wanted coffee or a snackaroo... :'o) I was still very scared of Skeksis so I would walk very fast past her, hahaha! The Pinocchio puppet from The Adventures of Pinocchio movie was also chilling in the same room! There's puppets all over! When I was there, I was working on Sid the Science Kid! As an intern, I did not get a whoooole lot of responsibilities (as one can imagine, I was a very baby-level artist and I was 18/19), but I did get to contribute some art to a couple episodes, although... In the choices I would give them, they would always pick the paintings I was least proud of HAHAHA. When I have the time, I will try to revive my back-then work computer that still has some of my artwork so I can show you guys, I think it should be fine by now. :'o) But I do have a shirt from back then that I still wear all the time. If you remember Gerald from the show, he had this little dino shirt:

My shirt... and then the guy... Zooming at us, menacingly... My bird Kraken kinda chewed up the shirt around the shoulders, augh!

Also, they used some motion-capture animation for Sid! I remember the actors putting on these giant silly suits that had huge feet, huge heads, and huge hands that fit the proportions of the characters, with little ping pong ball-looking attachments to them. Those actors worked really hard to run around in those suits, it was impressive!

There was also!! A screen connected to a console and a controller that we would goof around on because you could control Sid's expressions with it, so we'd all have a turn on it sometimes to make the silliest faces with it and make each other laugh :oD

I remember back then my brain had a creative itch that Sid wasn't scratching enough (sorry if that sounds weird, I hope you know what I mean?), but talking with my dad about it, he recommended I make a story that I had wanted to work on at Henson's, so I took an existing character I had from high school (that's Earl!!) and started making a story with him about puppets, toys, and dolls that were all adventuring through a dream world and trying to overcome living nightmares. It has been dropped and picked back up and redesigned several times, but it eventually became Dream Along With Me. A lot of things I learned from Sid/Henson's actually helped inform how I redesigned the project too!

There's a lot more cool stuff I could talk about but I worry about being boring/rambling/accidentally writing a novel. I'll save it for later if asked again :'o) Thank you for asking!! It felt good to reminisce!

[jeffthekillerzblog]

Not normally a fan of Jeff x Ben , but your account looks pretty cool. How old is Ben and Jeff in your au? (Like I know some people ship weird age gaps. Idk about you tho) Just wanna know if this is a chill account or not. ;-; (/gen, I really am not trying to be rude)

AWW THANK U SM. that means a lot thank u🥹

moving onto ur question DW u don't sound rude that's a completely valid question to ask ESPECIALLY with how weird some people are with shipping. One of my other posts I posted like a little hc thing with all their ethnicities, heights, and more importantly, ages. Ben and Jeff and like a ton of the other teens slash who started off as teens in their og story are about 16-18, Ben being the youngest at 16, and Jeff is 17. Later on though they do age and like...their ages are around 18-21

ALSO want to clarify Ben does age in like all of my aus. Which there is def a reason why he ages while Sally doesn't, BUT that's super long and I'll probably go over it in another post, so to put it short Ben and Sally are 2 different types of ghosts...slash spirit things. The main difference is Sally's typa ghost cannot age, while bens typa ghost can. I KNOW THAT SOUNDS LAME or like..I'm trying to excuse it or whatever but truuust there's an explanation and I'll prob go over it soon :3

Totally fine if u personally cannot unsee Ben as a 12 year old while Jeff's like an adult, and if u wanna dni with my blog that's totally okay!!!! Ben and Jeff is a personal thing for me and has been one of my fav ships ever since I started liking creepypastas, and back then ive only ever shipped the 12 and 13 year old version of them. OBVIOUSLY they're older now but ya they're just very nostalgic.

On my blog Ben will never be seen or drawn as a 12 year old, ESPECIALLY when making ship art with him and jeff. They'll forever have a one year age gap in my au or like..close in age so dw

OK SORRY this is way too long I just used this ask as an excuse to rant about ben and jeff lol

TLDR: Ben will always ALWAYS be a year younger than Jeff in my au, so no weird age gap :3

[andreal831]

I personally headcanon that Celeste set Elijah straight while they were together and got him more invovled in the abolitionist movements, because I refuse to believe Celeste was fine being with a man who was fine with slavery.

////

Hi! I’m so sorry to intrude on this conversation here, but as a black woman, I take a little bit of an issue with this (the part in bold). I’m not you and your headcanons can definitely be whatever you want them to be, but there’s a pattern with white people in which they always want black women to be “helpers” to their white female or male counterparts. We see this a lot in TVD, specifically with Bonnie Bonnett, in which she is relegated to the magical helper negro role. In fact, we saw this in real life, when Julie Plec herself tweeted at Megan Thee Stallion (who at the time was recently shot) that she sees black women as superheroes who will save us all! And no, I am not trying to say that you are as horrible as Ms Plec or that you’re a horrible person at all, I’d just like you to examine certain headcanons of yours. Celeste, as a black women, cannot “set a 1000 year white man straight”. Nobody can, really, but especially not her. Black women cannot change people’s minds and hearts, it is up to them to change themselves. Dating a black woman does not make someone stop being racist and it also seems weird if the only reason a white man would even consider not being racist is to date one… Do you see the issue? I would prefer it if you headcanonned that Elijah had changed and developed on his own over time or something like that, and not because a black woman wouldn’t be with him if he was alright with slavery (because if you change yourself for someone else, it’s not true change, and it’s also unfair to her to put her in that role). Anyways, my apologies if this comes off rude, I don’t mean to be impolite or insulting. Your headcanons are yours and only you can decide to change or keep them as they are. Thank you!

Thank you for pointing this out. I apologize if I made it seem that I was trying to put it all on Celeste. That was not my intention. I have a long headcanon for that period for Celeste and Elijah's relationship and I didn't phrase it correctly.

I personally felt that Elijah was more apathetic to humans rather than blatantly racist. Like he just believed humans all lived short lives and it wasn't up to him to interfere because what was the point. I know people do find his character blatantly racist and I'll never tell them he is not. I am very aware that my headcanons and interpretations are my own and not everyone has them.

We are dealing with characters who are the most privileged. Not only are they wealthy, white men, but they are vampires who can compel and manipulate humans. We know Elijah started the Strix in an effort to create a society of elites who could affect change in the world and he said it was a mistake. He saw what negative affects he could have in the world so at some point, to me, he pulled back from the world. He no longer cared or strived to make it better.

So when I said "Celeste set him straight," I do apologize for the phrasing, I didn't mean for it to sound like she changed his mind or made him something he was inherently not. Rather she reminded him of what he once was, of what he used to want to achieve with his immortality. Similar to how Katerina reminded him to believe in love, Celeste reminded him to believe he could affect positive change in the world.

I definitely understand the dangers of putting that pressure/weight of education and helping on POCs. It is up to each individual to understand and unlearn their own racisms. But I never felt that Elijah stopped being racist simply because he fell in love with Celeste. There are plenty of people who are actively racist while in interracial relationships. Rather, she pointed out how his apathy was racist and he reevaluated. He had the privilege to look past the pain and suffering of the enslaved people that he was actively profiting off of and Celeste forced him to look. So it is not that she changed his mind or made him a different person. He did the work on his own, but he needed someone to call him out on his racism before he knew he had to work on himself.

And I apologize if I put that on Celeste. It was never my intention. I personally feel that Celeste would 100% have been invovled in the abolitionist movement, especially as a powerful witch and as a powerful member of society. Being surrounded by people like that rather than his family would push Elijah to reevaluate his views and his lack of interest in human affairs.

Thank you for saying this! I am not trying to put this on you, because it is not your job, but if this is still problematic, please let me know. I do try to be aware and not put further harm on the POCs in TVDU or in the fandom.

[blubushie]

good morning, this is someone from the discord but i won't say who because i don't wanna get yelled at (sorry!) you said you're intersex, how's that work? if you don't mind talking about it? i'm sorry if this is rude!

I wouldn't have yelled at you even if you'd asked there!

Doctors "determined" that I'm 46,XY-DSD, but there's a fair chance that I've got some other stuff going on because if I am that, I'm atypical. I also have PAIS, partial androgen insensitivity syndrome.

I'm atypical in two regards: one, most blokes with PAIS 46,XY have micropenises. Mine is normal. Two, gonads (or, at least, ovaries) aren't present with 46,XY. When I was born I looked completely normal externally and no one knew that I was intersex. We knew I had some issues because my hormones weren't working properly, I wasn't growing properly, and I was at risk of osteoporosis, but we didn't exactly know what that was about. My actual problems didn't start until puberty, when I was about twelve or thirteen and started getting these bad stomach cramps once a month. Doctors couldn't figure out what the fuck it was and after five months of that I was sent in to test my androgen levels, which is how they found out about my fucked up oestrogen/testosterone issue. And at this point my parents started noticing that I was getting a more feminine silhouette, so something was defo up. I was put on testosterone supplements but that... didn't really help much, because my oestrogen levels were still too high.

Also I couldn't get erections at this point, for some reason. Doctors think it might've been because of how my penis itself is structured. Either way, it doesn't get enough of a blood rush to actually get erect. Most I can manage is just a half-there erection. Sensitive but not noticeable as an erection to anyone but me.

So after three years of this shit (and being put on T) I ended up with a masculine silhouette, but I still grew breasts. Very large breasts. Not fun, and everyone hung shit on me for it.

And doctors still didn't know why the hell my oestrogen levels were so bloody high, so they gave me an ultrasound and it turns out the reason why I was having those cramps is because my abdominal muscles were clenching as a result of me having a hormonal period, and that was caused by the fact I had a very undersized ovary on my left side. We'd always thought I was just born without a left testicle but nah, it was an ovary. I can't recall if it was just ovarian tissue or an actual ovary. Either way, I got a laparoscopy but instead of going directly through my stomach they entered at the base of my penis (there's reason for this, I'll get to that in a tic). So they removed my one single ovary that'd been causing so much trouble, and at the same time they were doing that they also put in an implant so I can get erections, which works out just fine. There's a little button I press that fills two rods in my penis with fluid whenever I want an erection, and the erection does not go away. It lasts until I crack my dick in half like a glowstick, which then releases the fluid back into the reservoir. All in all it works great, I love it, and everyone else either thinks it's weird or adores it since I can keep my erection indefinitely no matter how many times I orgasm.

Also on that note, I don't produce much semen. My prostate doesn't work properly and produces very little and my seminal vesicles are undersized so I can only make enough semen for maybe two rounds and then I'm dry, and it takes me about a week (or sometimes two) to refill my seminal vesicles. On the plus side, this has helped train me to orgasm dry, so there's that. Also my knacker is fucked so I don't produce viable sperm (though luckily I do produced testosterone, just... not much). I'm completely sterile (though I reckon I would probably be sterile anyway because of whatever's going on with my chromosomes).

Anyway, a few months after I went through all of that, I finally got top surgery (and some reconstructive surgery on my penis because there was some shit there that was a little fucked. Mostly tight skin, I'm fine now).

I'm still embarrassed about the top surgery scars, mostly because people see them and then they assume I'm trans (like gynecomastia isn't a thing) and they wonder what's in my daks, and it's even worse when I take my clothes off because then they see that scar at the base of my penis and wonder about that and assume phalloplasty and it's a whole thing. It sucks all around. I get assumptions from trans people, I get assumptions from cis people, I was at Bondi once with my shirt off and had a trans tourist bloke walk up to me and start discussing it because "I was the only other trans guy on the beach" and it was hell to explain that we aren't brothers in that regard. I'm kinda shunned from both groups. I don't fit in with other cis blokes because I'm very visibly not like them (once my shirt come off, at least) and I don't fit in with trans blokes because I'm also not like them (even though they keep trying to claim me whenever they see my scars). This (and a feeling of being exposed in general) is a big reason why my clothes stay on during roots.

Since you're in the Discord you might've seen that thing yesterday where everyone revealed they thought I was transmasc and Wander said I'm the world's most transgender cis man, which... is amusing, in a way. And not wrong. I've been on T, I've had top surgery, I've gotten a penile implant, I've had an oophorectomy, I chose my own name. So it's not wrong. I've kinda been back and forth between everything, and for a long while I struggled with my gender because of my outwards appearance especially as a teenager when I sounded and looked like a girl before I was put on T. Even when I was actively living as a girl for two years until I was 16, I just did it to fit in. I passed as a girl, people only ever saw a girl, and that... bites. A lot. My therapist was insisting I was a transgender girl, and that things would be less stressful if I transitioned and just embraced my feminine side, so... y'know. Peer pressure. I became a girl.

And that's the origin of the whole "bushgender" thing. My concept of gender is still very much fucked between that and the autism. This is also why I hate wearing skirts. Or any clothing that registers as feminine to me. Or just... being feminine. Femininity is a major sore spot for me. Which is hilarious, because I like it on other people. Really like it on chicks. I just hate it on me.

Anyway, that's about as well as I can explain it. I've got all the male bits (and then some female pieces) but none of them (except my penis now) work all that well. We don't really know what's wrong with me, but to cover my arse the docs say it's very atypical 46,XY-DSD. My chromosomes haven't been examined yet but I reckon that 46,XX is actually the more likely. 46,XY means I'm biologically male on a chromosomal level, and my genitals reflect that, but the presence of ovarian tissue suggests I'm defo not 46,XY since that's never present in that condition. The more likely of the two is that I'm 46,XX, which would make me biologically female from a chromosomal perspective. It would also explain my height and my issues with testosterone production while also explaining my normal-appearing genitals, since 46,XX often results in normal male genitalia but primarily results in hormonal issues (which is what I primarily have).

So yeah, we're going with 46,XX.

[a-really-cool-blog-name]

Can you tell us more about Lily and the never ending mirror please 🥺

OH HOHO You asked for this! (YES I GET TO INFO DUMP PLEASE ASK ME ABOUT MY OTHER STORIES I HAVE SO MANY OR OTHER QUESTIONS YOU HAVE ABOUT THIS I LOVE TALKING) Without further a due I'm gonna start with the characters!

Lily: Our main girl, we love her. She's 14. A little sassy and very loyal, she windes up in the neverending mirror at the start of the story when on a trip at a fall fair with her family. She is VERY confused and worried right now.

Charles: Anxiety 💯 He's 15. He's been in this place for about two years now. Insecure but VERY protective, caring, and a great big brother to Mary, Speaking of-

Mary: E N E R G Y. She's 11. She's been here for a little less than by like two months. Energetic, hyper active, optimistic, and outgoing, she's voted most likely to yell "echo" in a cave even when she needs to be stealthy. Cares a lot about her friends and family (Well, whatever family she can still visit while in here. Which is just Charles.) and is not going to let them think badly about themselves if she can help it.

Thomas "Archive": Won't tell you his name unless he trusts you, he's worried about Lily "Working for the government" whenever he first meets her, whatever that means. He's 17. Been here for five years. Book lover. Actually has a corkboard with red string connecting pictures. Mostly just Friends with Mary (Kind of unintentional on his part) at the beginning but will later becomes closer to the other characters.

Mabel: Angry and lonely. Her body and mind is twelve at least. She's been here for a while at least. Reason why everyone is here. (If you want more I may do a post specifically about her and the next person)

???: That's weird, I forgot what I was saying! What Character? >:)

(She doesn't have a name yet, oop.) (this is an edit in the future her name is Carol now):A very caring and sweet lady, acts as a mother figure and helps people when- well, I'll get into that later. Most likely to call you sweetheart or honey. She's in her 30's.

(He ALSO doesn't have a name yet): In his late 20's. Kind of rude and grumpy because of this whole situation.

(There are like 20 more people there but I don't have ideas for them lol)

ACTUAL PLOT TIME!

So, The neverending mirror! As the name implies you get pushed by a mysterious hand coming out of a book fall through a mirror to end up there. If you were to walk all the way to the end of this pocket dimension you'd just end up on the other side. This place changes it's inhabitants the longer they're stuck there for, painfully. (Woooo angst and hurt/comfort)

Charles has a black smokey-ness (I don't know how else to describe it)covering half his face and his arm but he doesn't want to worry anyone and doesn't want to acknowledge it's getting worse because he already hates this he can teleport and make portals which is very useful for helping people get around in this place.

Mary has REALLY REALLY good hearing and sharp teeth. Everything can be too loud which hurts sometimes and her teeth ache sometimes and it's hard to chew but it's fine because in Mary's mind she looks SICK and that's all that matters.

"Archive" just... doesn't have legs anymore. He misses them a lot He has this pink purple smoke around where they would be. (It would totally suck if had phantom pain from not having legs anymore ha ha ha) But, on the bright side he can float and make other things float! He never has to worry about getting something off the top shelf again!

Mabel has nothing wrong with her you can see, yet. (Make her angry or she just doesn't have the energy to keep it constantly up and well, that's a different story. She basically has horns made of crumbled up paper and a bookmark tail inspired by no one at all (*COUGH COUGH SCRIPTLESS COUGH COUGH*))

???...

Carol has "Galaxy" hair, eyes, and hands. She can also heal people and she comforts someone whenever a "change" happens, she can't stop it from happening but she can at least help the pain a little.

(He's not a important character in the slightest how could you tell? lol ) Just Snake/lizard features

Lily is fine (physically at least) at the beginning of the story and is scared of it happening to her. She's hoping to find some way out of here before that happens. (Spoiler, she fails at that. Get a third eye, idiot.)

The story is mainly about Lily, Charles, Mary (And Archive but slightly less so) trying to get to the bottom of this place and maybe, just maybe, finally getting out.

(It's also about the tragedy of two siblings from Britain in the civil war and the pain of no one ever remembering you or being able to truly love you and getting older but never growing up, but that's a post for another day.)

[lizzy-frizzle]

Fang is like, a perfectly reasonable vanguard for a lot of cases, if she seems a bit weak it's mostly because vanguards are overall not the spiciest class. I know you've been told that Beeswax is weird/bad/hard to use/whatever, and sure, she's a bit different, but she does do things that no other operator can manage. Waai Fu is an overall amazing tech card of an operator, since both her silence and her attack down skills are not terribly common effects, and having them on demand is nice. Gummy is an operator I never leveled personally since I got Nearl early on, but there are plenty of cases where Gummy's form of healing is much more useful, and overall she's just a nice reliable tank and never really stops being that. Tomimi is also an operator most people will frown upon but having leveled several "bad" operators myself, the thing to know is that with resources invested in them, every operator in the game will find a use. As far as the ones you didn't mention by name, Specter's second skill makes her too angry to die, which is extremely powerful, Ceylon was sort of a prototype for her archetype, so she doesn't have the bells and whistles the others have, but her healing range will likely be useful for you, and Skyfire...well, Skyfire is very rude about infected operators, to put it lightly. Oop, sorry infodump, I just like arknights a lot.

the infodumping is welcome don't worry!

and also, yea, I've been told beeswax isn't the best but she's saved my ass a lot and I like her design so I'll keep using her. Fang is fine, but I got spoiled by being able to borrow operators and now I need Texas in my life. Currently this is my general team setup

I'm working on getting specter and waai fu promoted for some missions, but I do like them, they've been handy

[adultswim2021]

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job #34: “Universe” | February 23, 2009 - 12:30AM | S04E03

The first thing: Celebrity Zillions, a game show where big stars (Whoopsie, Steven Spielberg, Johnny Depp, others) all jump around while Mr. Zillions throws money down at them while suspended from the ceiling. I love this one, this is one of Eric’s best roles as the dreaded ceiling man. His eyes go nuts, and you gotta respect it. The concept of a television audience sincerely rooting for celebrities to get richer is very funny to me. Plus, the weird guys in this are simply "icing on the cake." Without checking to see that I’m right: I think this is the first time they use the Johnny Depp guy, who recurs several times in the Abso Lutely universe (including a very memorable Nathing For You episode). 

Then, what luck, the return of Pierre! This is a PSA called “All the Food is Poison”, which features a chorus of young cheerleaders. At one point they stage a cutesy tableau where one of the lines is acted out as if she is sharing this information anecdotaly and not through verse. This is another GREAT one. The part where the girls all look more and more troubled by the song is so great. I love stuff like this. It’s art.

We get a second Gettin’ it Dunn featuring known nuisance David Liebe Hart as a guest. He makes a truly unhinged comment about alien women’s pussies. Then they make him apologize on camera for it. I love this too!!! 

Then we get a Brule bit, where he tells us to use fruit juice to make ice cubes and then put “THAT in your milk”. These Brules Rules are more hit-and-miss than I remember, but this is fine! It’s a funny idea. Putting ice cubes in milk! What a fool! The first time I saw this I cracked up when Brule calls the viewer a “bimbo”. I like that he doesn’t know what some words mean!

Tim’s Discount Prices and Eric’s Premium Prices is really funny. Tim and Eric are businessmen and pitchmen to boot, and are dueling via commercial over whose business “fits the bill” and puts “money in the bank”. They are selling prices themselves, and have slightly different mission statements. This one has some funny lines and truly rude riffs. Tim saying Eric will “Rape ya!” is pretty nasty by today’s standards, but I think of it often, for some reason. 

The only truly weak link here for me is another installment of “Afternoon Review” (The daytime show for women), which the joke is just that it’s footage of weird men being weird, and demonstrating talents that would not be appreciated by women. It’s whatever, but it’s one of those bits that has the “season three stank” all over it. 

The host segments here are ones for the ages; in fact it has been made heckin’ immortal in the memosphere (the animated gif of Eric going “bwaaaaugh!!!!” while animated big bangs ripple out of his forehead, mimicking the hand movements he’s also making). This one is pretty funny and charming. Tim’s material is more absurd, he just yammers nonsense. He gets flustered describing the shape of the universe and just leaves it at “it’s not a bowl.” Eric’s material usually veers into sexual matters, because the guy is a horny freaking devil. This sketch also makes use of footage of Kaz trying to open a door with a sword, taken from a deleted season three sketch. 

Eric describes bonding with his neighbor’s son against his father’s consent by swirling a flashlight around against his wall through the window late at night in what could easily be perceived as a flirtatious gesture. “I do this every night with your son”, Eric boasts. One of my favorite endings. 

There is more Universe stuff in the EXTENDED SCENES of the DVD. Or, you can watch it right here on youtube.

MAIL BAG

dont publish this but i am not doing the funny man of tumblr bit, you got an anklebiter with different jaws than mine

Sorry, you can't use such wonderful turns of phrase as "anklebiter with different jaws than mine" and expect me not to print it. As a compromise I'll just put it in a font that's a little harder to read.

Xaviers Maneuver mafia guy is not Chinese but Chi-talian-ese. Thank you

Lucky for you, I am willing to sit my ass down and listen. I appreciate the correction.

[eddywoww]

I did ask why she got it. She said she's always wanted it and she thought they were pretty. When we got our piercings together, I did NOT get nipple piercings because my nipples are 9/10 flat unless aroused or cold and I didnt really wanna mess with them, which side note she said was weird and I was like huh okay that's rude. She got her nipples done in tandem and I sat there on the couch waiting and somehow the other people waiting started talking to me (I apparently have a sign above my head that says talk to me, I once had someone say I have a very inviting aura?).

She came out and was super excited. Kept talking the entire hour and a half long drive home about them. We went and bought all the stuff she needed. Now, I do remember before we got pierced, she mentioned wanting another kid, but my dumbass didn't think a thing on it (I thought she changed her mind). Nope! So. She took them out and they are already healed. And I asked why she got them. She said she wanted to and she loved them, and AFTER this kid she's gonna get them again. She ended up texting me today about it because she asked if I would want to take back a set of jewelry I bought her. First off no im not sharing jewelry like that that goes into body orifices, necklaces or rings whatever sure I'll share, but I also don't have that piercing which she knows... I said I dont have that keep them they were a gift. And she replied oh that's right you have weird boobs :'))))

So I told her it was a waste of money to get them done then if she knew she was just gonna take them out, and basically she's gonna be spending a ton of extra money. She said that's her problem then.

Yeah I’d say you should be bitchy. The boob comment is rude lmao even from a friend. Your nipples are perfectly fine I’m sure 💕 in the least weird way possible btw. But also I hate when people need to comment on other peoples bodies or make jokes about them. AND you’re right, sharing piercing jewelry is….maybe not the best idea. Idk the idea just unsettles the fuck out of me 😂

Some people have no like real reasoning behind doing rash things but if she already knew she was gonna have a kid, idk why she would wanna go through the hassle twice. I’ve always heard that nipple piercings can be hard to heal once you do get them ??? Like. It just seems arbitrary and silly to me.

[toytulini]

I saw Barbie last night, I dont think i have a long film review of it for yall but idk I'll put some thoughts under a readmore I guess?

-Right off the bat, I enjoyed it, it was fun. It was a fun pink poppy romp. Thats about what I expected of it, and thats pretty much what I got

-Its not particularly radical in its gender/feminism takes, its very basic, which, I saw a number of ppl mention that before I saw it so I wasnt expecting anything radical. It couldve done better. it was. fine. im shrug about it i guess.

-My mom enjoyed it and was apparently not expecting any sort of emotional depth or story at all so it caught her off guard. I heard her crying. she cries easy at movies. I'm glad my mom liked it. Maybe she'll absorb some of the very basic feminism it drops idk.

-I knew the Kens adopted patriarchy and introduced it to Barbieland but it felt lile that happened very fast, idk.

-The ending....I. is her going to a gynecologist supposed to be like. shes gotten a vagina by deciding to be human?? or is she trying to schedule a surgery or something? that felt pretty weird to me if im honest, i thought it was gonna be a job interview or smth... Especially with how everyone was like "Barbie is ace (heheeh i agree) cos she has no genitals! (sorry what. excuse me. wanna run that by me again?)" like okay that makes that headcanon reasoning even more dewply uncomfortable that it already was?

-I enjoyed weird Barbie. i wish theyd cast someone else cos iirc ka/te mckin/non was a transmisogynist? unless she apologized or said she changed her mind on the topic since like 2017?? but i havent seen anything? idk. just. annoying to keep platforming these ppl. i guess theres probably other actors involved that have shit views of trans ppl. whatever i guess.

-I did dress up a little. i feel like my outfit had Weird Barbie Vibes. maybe ill post a pic.

-I did enjoy it and it had a number of shots and or transitions i liked, i think the one with the disco ball to the moon or whatever was enjoyable.

-god we really are so weird about barbie

-it just feels factually incorrect that all dolls pre barbie were baby dolls? idk. im sure it was the most common kind. but idk. not to be weird about The History Of Dolls but like. the porcelain dolls from the Victorian era. idk if those count as baby dolls. iirc those were to help young girls practice prepping dead bodies of loved ones for funerals or smth??? but i guess porcelain dolls have a sort of babyish look about them. and are fragile so you cant play rough with them.

-Like i Know its a 2hr long toy commercial for mattel but also god that cant be right. even if they werent filling the same niche as barbie as idk basically a fashion doll? there had to be other dolls right?

-I know the flat foot thing is Supposed to be over the top and silly for them all to get upset about but also tbh. as a bitch with falling arches the way some of yall make jokes about flat feet still is uh. well. rude. but also lmao man. the day my arches started hurting for no reason while i was barefoot did sorta feel emotionally like her feet falling to the ground lol.

-i want to introduce barbie to margot robbie's harley quinn owo. i think that would be Fun :3

-i want Ken's job. how do i do Beach as an occupation.

-I actually liked how they handled Ken and Barbie's rship til the end. i feel weird about that ending overall and also it feels weak wrt her dynamic as Ken. they make him grapple w her not reciprocating his feelings the same way but then she just leaves barbieland anyway?? and ig they dont get to explore a friendship or qpr dynamic. ok. its fine i guess.

-her saying she has no genitalia felt so transgender in a way im not sure it was intended to. ken saying he has all of the genitalia felt even more transgender. headcanoning them both as extremely transgender in fun weird new ways and no one can stop me.

-Allan is my favorite character i think. bro me too

-bibbleless movie. add bibble.

[pbandjesse]

I'm back in my hammock. I love my hammock. I miss being next to my James but I am happy right now. For the most part today was really nice. It was a good day.

I slept alright. I remember falling asleep and it was a solid night's rest. I woke up before my alarm. And would get out of bed a few minutes early. James came and made the bed while I got dressed. I really liked my outfit today. I felt pretty. I felt good.

James would walk out with me. And I decided to stop for breakfast even though I really didn't want to eat. I knew I needed too. I decided to get orange juice instead of soda but that was like $3 for some reason. And while it was fine oj, I don't think I'll do that again.

I had a nice drive to camp. I found a new band, called Hot Mulligan, and I've been enjoying them a lot. They have like the perfect 2006 emo sound. It's great. Very nostalgic.

I was a little frustrated when I got to camp. My outlets got overused last night when they tried to play a movie. But they didn't actually fix them. Which is whatever, I was able to fix them. But my issue really was that they unplugged my cord that goes to my fridge!! Rude. Thankfully it was fine but it makes me annoyed when people unplug things and don't put them back.

I went to the office to voice my displeasure. Elizabeth agreed it was very rude and she apologized on behalf of whoever did that. And I decided I would take a walk to calm down.

I went and ate berries. I love wine berries. They are my favorite berry. I enjoyed my walk. And I went to pet Quakers the duck and the goats. Who yelled at me when I walked away. But I was happy to pet them for a while.

I went back to the art building and laid in my outside hammock until Tati got there. I would finish my book today and got started on the new one. Which made me really happy. I had more time to read today and that felt good.

Tati was very helpful today, and she made some fun art with found objects. I have to hold myself back when I was to be weird about supplies. Because she's not wasting things, she's using them and that is fine but I am just feeling possessive for no reason so I am trying to let it go. I'm glad she's making art. That is what I shall focus on even if my brain is like. Fear!! Loss!! Control!! Its unnecessary, everything is fine.

And she was a big help. I was able to just focus on what was happening in the building and did my machine sewing and things were very good. Even if both my morning groups were 15 minutes late, everyone finished their little bad and it made me very happy.

I had my breakfast sandwich for lunch and hung in my hammock. Eventually Trista came to use a hammock. And Ty would join us too. We all chatted for a while. And eventually, sadly, it was time for our groups.

I would have a kid doing tipi wakan today and I felt bad I didn't have as much stuff for him to help with. But the things he helped with were excellent. He did sorting and folding fabric and just those little things that I haven't been doing but needed to be done. And when we had day camp groups he was a big help with the finishing work and putting on buttons and it was nice to have the help. So it wasn't all on Tati.

I would read during my break. And I felt excited to do the metal casting with the boys. I am for sure going to need more metal if I'm gonna do this another week. I am going to go and try to have a conversation about that tomorrow with the office. But once the boys got started they did so good. Like it was so fun. No everyone's worked exactly right, but we are getting the hang of it. Coined shapes work best, and we were able to make some fun little pieces. I love when the boys make things for their girlfriends. It's so cute. But it was just a lot of fun. And everyone did a good job.

After the last day camp group I had my tipi wakan kid work on a shield painting while I went and read my book for a half hour. And then we would finish the day with the horse girls.

I taught a few of them how to widdle and use a knife. So I was able to sign off on their knife skills portion of their tipi wakan paper. And all the girls did really good. Celia would come and join us and we shared photos of the mushroom I found this morning. When I found it it was so round but when she came by later it was all tall and flat!! So strange!

Dinner was pretty good. I was so happy we had vegetable spring rolls and I could have them!! Me and Ty would help with hand out seconds. I had two scoopers for rice and was having fun handing it out.

We got cookies for dessert. I wanted an ice cream but it's fine. I got my cookie and came up here to lay in the dark because my head hurt.

And my eyes still hurts. But it's fine. Ty came up and we talked for a long time and he filled me in on gossip and things going on around camp that I didn't know. He's a sweet boy and I don't like that there has been stuff that's bothered him. He's going to make a proposal to the office about expanding the bird enclosure so that Rocky, the turkey, can be with the other birds. I hope they go for it.

Now I am laying in my hammock. And I am very much ready to sleep. Ty just came by to get his apples he forgot on my table. But now is time for sleep.

I hope tomorrow is good. Maybe I'll get to swim before it starts storming again. It's supposed to start tomorrow night and basically storm all Friday. We'll see what happens. I just hope it's fun.

Sleep well everyone. I hope you are taking care of yourself!!

[ollyou]

It's seriously so annoying to see you constantly stir up drama, please stay on twitter. You send your followers after people and even if I block you the entirety of PMTOK rides your dick over everything you say and it's on my fucking feed anyways. Being in a server with you was seriously hell. Not saying who I am, so you get to guess. Get a fucking job. (Still in your server BTW, but I'll leave soon <3)

(Not a genuine response; talking about a silly dream I had under the cut)

I had a dream about us last night where you were this cool artist I admired the art of (who doesn’t exist outside the dream world) who was following me and we DMed each other on Discord all nicely sometimes, but over time you grew increasingly hostile and mean towards me and my art skills until some day after sending this ask, you just DMed me confirming it was you, and blocked me. But for some reason, you were able to keep sending me DMs and I just wasn’t able to respond, and you just kept DMing me ranting about me and how you hate me over and over again every time I thought you were done, but I eventually realized I could just react to your messages with letter emojis, and after a long time of not knowing what to write, spelled out “dummy” (but like, with a weird N emoji for the second M). You then proceeded to explode at me, in shock I would be so “rude” to you, but then I realized I was somehow able to just type full sentences using letter emojis on Discord. I kept writing responses and you read them, although I took a very long time pressing each button, making several spelling errors, but I talked about how I still think your art is cool, but what’s not cool is how randomly rude you started getting to me. I said I liked your Olivia design, which you apparently had, and posted it somewhere you could see (I kinda forgot the details about this one). You saw the drawing, and went silent before you unblocked me without telling me, and sent a transparent edit of the Olivia drawing I made. You said you liked it, and thanked me, and a minute later, it was your profile picture. I was REALLY surprised and confused about your sudden change of heart, but we kept talking for a bit, and somehow got back on good terms. You said you actually don’t mind me now, and want to be friends, so we became friends! We shared PMTOK art with one another and even eventually hung out irl, somehow (everyone I know in my dreams is capable of meeting me irl easily, for some reason). I wound up telling Sega about this, and we were just relieved we had someone who we could respect. I think you might’ve even drawn ME fanart, but I don’t remember!

The end 😇

(OH YEAH ALSO it’s probably worth it to mention i dont send my followers after people nor do i frequently get into drama unless it’s asking someone to take a post involving me or sega down ((MOSTLY TO ART THIEVES)) idk what sort of stuff this anon has been looking for but no one’s left my INACTIVE server i havent checked since January 26, 2023 and im pretty sure this is a troll)

(Oh also also @ anon: if you’re not trolling and want me to give you a legitimate response then just like… DM me dude i dont bite I’d be more than happy to help with whatever problems my existence is causing you /hj? gen? idk LOL just dm me you’ll be fine)

[autimind]

Myths about Autism #3 - no empathy

Have you ever overheard a foreigner ordering drinks or food in a restaurant? Have you tried doing this in another language when you were abroad for business or on a holiday?

"Bring me a beer." "I want the day soup."

Restaurant staff is used to a variety of conduct from their customers but these sentences are basically orders and come accross as very curt, if not outright rude. This varies with culture and location, obviously. These examples will have to suffice.

Are these foreigners rude? Were you? Well possibly but probably not. The problem here is a lack of fluency. This is simply the best way these people can voice their requests.

Where I live, it is still common to ask for permission to pay for something in a shop. "Mag ik dit afrekenen?"/"May I pay for this?" This is idiomatic language, a diffuse and ever-shifting cultural standard that proscribes certain phrasing as not only grammatically correct but 'the right thing to say' in a plethora of circumstances. If you don't know this, you will be seen as weird at best, rude at worst.

I promise there is a point to all this. In much the same way, austistic folk are seen as having no empathy or, slightly better, low empathy. The reason is not that we are dead inside or do not care about others but that we show our emotions differently and have trouble recognising non-verbal cues. In effect, we don't speak the language very well, so to say.

For allistic people, non-verbal conduct is so important that they see it as basically equal to the inner life of others. They can and will form flash judgments about the core of your being based on what they pick up from you and how they interpret your gestures, tone of voice, the direction of your gaze and so on and so forth. After they have done so they will resist vehemently any attempt to explain them they are wrong or even someone just had a really bad day and reacted poorly. Because they are not trained to think about their own thinking, they cannot but follow their instincts. In further enoucnters, they will interpret whatever it is you say along the lines of their initial judgments.

Do you know the cliché phrase about the importance of making a good first impression? Now you know why that is true: poor insight in human cognition and a lack of goodwill or benevolence.

How are we to understand the barrage of signals, words, gestures and other social cues that is fired at us constantly and that in real time? I will tell you right here and right now that most austistics are perfectly capble of forming connections and feeling for others. All we require is some time to process.

Some percentage of autistics have low (fine) motor control, which makes it hard to consciously move facial and other muscles. A lot of us are clumsy. If someone's smile seems forced that may very well be because they are working very hard to consciously pull of something that is demanded by society and is effortless for most people.

Admittedly, some of us are low-empathy or at least identify as such. I have no special insight into whether that is true or not on the inside. However, there is a marked difference between empathy, which is shown, and compassion, which is felt. It is compassion that, hopefully, drives our actions. Empathy can be part of our actions.

Compassion heals the world one person at a time. It can be compared to the soft light of the Moon that holds no agression or compelling force but does reach everywhere. No being is beyond our compassion. I'll probably write more about compassion in later posts.

Finally, I would like to say that sometimes a low-key approach to empathy is the right thing to do. I work in a team of six to eight people - depending on various matters - and have seen my fair share of hapiness and sorrow from my colleagues. It is noticeable that when someone has a really hard time at work, they tend to ask me to talk with them for a few minutes. My calmness and inquisitive questions apparently support them in a way they like. My voice barely changes in tone in such talks and I show no or few gestures. I simply allow them to be and listen to what they need to say.

How would our culture change if this was the normal or common response to hurt? Low empathy for the win! :-)

[macaronnya]

Fresh(?) Impressions (2)

Other parts: |Trickstar| |UNDEAD| |2wink| |Ra*bits| |Akatsuki| |fine| |Ryuseitai| |Knights| |Valkyrie| |Switch| |MaM/Double Face/Crazy:B| |Eden| |Alkaloid|

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Hello Enstarries~☆ It hasn't been 24h yet but lucky enough, I'm a master procrastinator so here's the next part with UNDEAD already. This whole series is probably more like me talking in an echo chamber but that's also alright. I couldn't eternalise my first thoughts from other games, which is quite a shame. So this will be a nice memory to look at when someday the game ends and enough time has passed for my opinions on them to have changed. I sure hope that that someday is still very far away.

Anyways here's my last post about Trickstar, if you're curious enough and want more info about me and enstars. And the next one as well, if I'm committed enough to continue.

|Prev| |Next| See above ⬆️

DISCLAIMER!: Everything said here is for entertainment purposes only and not meant to attack anyone. This is not an accurate description of any characters but my subjective rambling for fun, so please don't take it too seriously. (Just to be safe, I'm kinda scared of elite idol fans) Also, you will hear me mention other games a bunch of times bc I'm that bad and uncreative at explaining and I'm still grieving A3!EN's shutdown. Eng is my 2nd or 3rd language so you might see weird spelling or grammar. I like to think I'm pretty decent, though...

Without further ado....Let's Ensemble!☆

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Ah yes, the sexyish bad boy group. Military aesthetic once more but make them goth. All their uniforms are slightly different from each other but still cohesive, which is nothing groundbreaking but I just wanted to mention I love stuff like this. And these outfits in general. Really cool stuff. Also, everyone has different gloves. Purple is my fav color so I might be biased. Their songs are more rock 'n roll with a lot of guitars, which isn't exactly my go to genre but it's nice to listen to it sometimes. Melody in the Dark & Valentine Eve's Nightmare are my favs. They also sing with these oldies microphones, which is cool but looks a bit funny when they gotta take the whole thing to switch places. Surface aside, they're all much sweeter than their image leads on?? Like, I was surprised upon reading their Ep.1.

7.5/10 - I like them a bit, mainly for their color scheme but I think I'll like them for more as well

Rei Sakuma

I thought he was some mysterious flirt, who will tease and entice you to do flirty stuff but he's actually a nice old vampire next door. His vocabulary and tech knowledge may be from the 19th century but he drinks his respect women (& tomato) juice 👍I know he sleeps in a coffin and has a younger brother who hates him for some reason, so there's something he may have fucked up....He's also very pretty. Possibly one of the prettiest one out of the whole cast. His voice is very attractive as well, sounds like melted chocolate.

8/10 - i like him, he's pretty, polite, lives with a distinct lowkey flair, this card is amazing

Kaoru Hakaze

Flirty boys often make me weak. Not bc I actually fall for their flirting but I like what hides beneath that. Be it trauma (Ikki, Amesia), shyness (Inigo, FE:Awakening), dorkiness (Impey, Code:Realize). I knew instinctively he's one of them and his panicking monologue Ep.1 that lasts for ⅓ of the time was my proof. I don't think he's christian (like smn else) even though he has a cross necklace here. It would fit more with Rei's vampire package but whatever. He seems easy to fluster, which is just the cherry on top. His voice is also nice, melodic and sweet but only like 65% chocolate.

8.5/10 - Cute but hot as well, I wonder what more he hides

Koga Ogami

Wild and rowdy. I know he jumped on poor Anzu on her first day. Imagine falling on your face bc of some rude dog boy on your first school day smh. I used to mistake him for Izumi and vice versa. Similiar hairstyle and haircolor, though his color scheme is warmer. Idk why he insists on being taking the saying lone wolf so literally but if it works 🤷‍♀️ He really went at it during Nightless World's MV with his guitar. Surprised he composes but somehow also not. I guess, he's just very creative and passionate, hence his wolf persona.

6/10 - he's not average but also not that interesting

Adonis Otogari

What a gentleman. He reminds me of Guy (A3!) what with him being rather stoic and looking slightly intimidating but is actually quite caring. And he might have important parents in his homeland? Maybe it's not that special tho, considering he's attending a private academy and looking at the rest of the cast....He's probably the tsukkomi from his unit. Might have the patience of a saint. I didn't expect him to have such a deep voice and it felt a bit off at first, but maybe that's just bc I was still playing A3! and there's another character with the same VA, who's quite different. This is the second time I see this VA in an idol franchise, the idol in question is Gaku from Idolish7. His unit's vibe is also similiar. I forgot to mention it but FORBIDDEN RAIN is an absolute banger as well.

7/10 - I look forward to getting to know him better

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Conclusion

This group is one of the more normal units, I think, which is pretty telling of the other ones. Overall on a more favourable side. I dig their costumes and voices.

Reading their Ep.1 made me question whether I suddenly shifted games or smth. Especially Kaoru's??? He's so funny panicking and being all "I'm usually so much coolee why is she so cute? 😣". Rei's manner of speech and the library made me think of these isekai manwhas on the rise. Adonis was suddenly talking about world disasters (ain't that hitting close home) and his guilt of not being of more help and slight desire to just stay in safe Japan but ultimately not regretting helping his land. And Koga is struggling to find his individual self after finally finding a place to belong. Like, what is this tone shift from Trickstar!? I guess, this is a sneek peak to what we will see more of in future events and character development? Do characters have that here?

Anways, feel free to comment whatever and share some thoughts. Until next post!~☆