#same thing with hamsters i have stress dreams about suddenly having more hamsters and not having anywhere to put them

[boy-above]

bro i don't know how anyone sleeps knowing they're neglecting their animals like i legit have stress dreams constantly about realizing i haven't cleaned my fish tanks in too long or like me suddenly having animals pushed onto me that i can't properly care for. like last night i had a dream that i somehow suddenly had guinea pigs and i didn't have anywhere to house them that was big enough and i was like "WHAT DO I DO I CANT PROTECT THEM" ajdjsjfjrj

[passionfruitbowls]

in the end, it’s always you - ch. 4

Rated: T Word count: 958

written for @adrinetteapril day 4 - Soulmate 

Read on AO3

————— 

Marinette’s room was quiet. Far too quiet for her liking.

She had turned off her sewing machine a while ago, when the thrumming sound of the needle became too much to bear, but of course, that had made room for the dozens of Adrien-related thoughts swirling around in her head; they were just as frustrating.

Too tired to continue working, Marinette decided to clear her mind by talking to Tikki, who was intensely focused on finishing off the cookie she was holding.

“Can I… ask you something?”

Tikki briefly stopped munching and tilted her head.

“Of course!” She said.

Marinette let out a deep sign, then leaned back in her desk chair.

“Is it just me, or has Adrien been acting odd recently?”

“What do you mean by that?” Tikki asked.

“I don’t know, ever since we went to Nino and Alya’s place, he’s been… exceptionally nice. Doing all of the cleaning, resolving any emergencies the second they crop up; I mean, on Saturday he carried all of the groceries home and assured me that he could handle it, even though he was clearly struggling!”

Tikki hummed thoughtfully. “That is rather unusual, have you tried talking to him about it?”

“No…” Marinette groaned. For a moment they were both quiet again, until Marinette had a dreadful thought that made her jump out of her chair.

“Tikki, what if I caused this? What if I said something to him that made him think he wasn’t being a good friend, and now he’s trying to make up for it by taking on more than he can handle? Or worse, what if he hates me now because of it and is doing all those things so he can avoid me? Oh God, this is a disaster!”

Collapsing into her seat again, Marinette banged her head against the desk. Suddenly she felt a light tap on her shoulder, and looked up to find Tikki hovering next to her.

“Marinette, take a deep breath and relax. I think you might be catastrophizing a bit; maybe he just wants you to have less things to worry about! Come on, do you really think Adrien would go to the trouble of doing all that if he disliked you?”

Shaking her head, Marinette smiled at Tikki.

“No, I don’t think he would. I just…” she sighed and glanced down at her feet, “I really care about him, Tikki, I hate seeing him feel sad or stressed.”

“I understand, and I’m sure he’d say the same thing about you! You’re close friends who, might I add, have also been through a lot more than most people your age; of course you care about him.”

Marinette nodded silently, then leaned back and closed her eyes.

“Tikki, do you believe in soulmates?”

“You mean romantically?”

“Mhmm.”

There was a pause. Marinette held her breath, wondering whether or not her question could be answered.

“I don’t think there’s a definite possibility of soulmates existing, but I’ve had holders in the past who met people that they claimed were ‘the one’ for them!” Tikki said eventually.

“See, that’s the thing!” Marinette exclaimed as she began frantically pacing around the room. “When we were younger - you know, before - I was convinced that me and Adrien would end up like that. I spent so much time thinking about it, I had a whole future planned out for us, with the three kids and a hamster and everything!

So finding out that Adrien was Chat Noir… the two boys I loved being one and the same… I couldn’t ask for anything better! I thought things would be easier after that, but right now it’s like I’m back at square one. I’m too scared to tell him how I feel, because what if I ruin what we already have? Those ‘dreams’ of mine were so stupid.”

“Marinette, you were in love with him, and you were also fourteen. They weren’t stupid at all, none of it was.” Tikki said softly, nuzzling against her cheek. Marinette smiled and pulled her close for a hug.

“Thanks, Tikki,” She murmured, “I don’t know what I’d do without you.”

Tikki giggled. “I’m happy to help! And listen, there’ll always be plenty of people who love you, soulmate or no soulmate.”

————

After indulging in a large batch of Dupain-Cheng chocolates and pastries (delivered straight from the bakery by Sabine herself) Marinette began dusting and tidying away various things, in the hopes that Adrien would be relieved to find he had no extra work to do.

Between attending to all of his housekeeping duties, Adrien had somehow managed to find a job as a library assistant. While it wasn’t the type of work he’d imagined himself doing, Marinette could tell that he enjoyed the company it gave him, and that he also took great pride in his dedication to keeping the place tidy and organised. Every day he would return home with a smile on his face, and a distant look in his eyes which told her that he was still thinking about something nice a visitor had said to him in passing.

Whenever Adrien caught Marinette staring at him in those moments, she would blush and turn away in embarrassment, but at the same time, part of her wanted him to know just how happy she was for him. She couldn’t begin to imagine how often he’d gone home to his father’s mansion with nothing to smile about.

At long last, Marinette heard the front door being opened. She breathed in, flattened the wrinkles in her shirt and went out to greet Adrien, feeling a lot more confident than she was an hour ago. Nothing, however, could prepare her for the unusual news he was about to hit her with.

[bvidzsoo]

Downtown

 Author: bvidzsoo

 Warnings: sexual situations, swearing and angst 

 Pairing: Kwon Soonyoung x female reader x Hong Joshua

 Word count: 29, 624

 Summary:   You never thought you’d fall for the person you’ve known for almost ten years, but you did know he wasn’t the right person either for you. It was hard getting over him, especially when you were friends with benefits. But then, a mysterious gentleman came along, and changed your world. Suddenly, you knew what you deserved.

 A/N: Holy shit, this feels like it took a year to write, when it was a week and a half? It’s very long, the longest oneshot I’ve written in my whole life so far and I’m proud of it. It’s past 3 am here when I’m posting this, so good night everyone. Don’t forget to leave your feedback, to feed my curious heart. Enjoy now!

     Things weren’t always so complicated. As a child, you only have to worry about your grades and to not disappoint your parents. You go out with your friends, have fun, let loose and have no worries about the cruel world surrounding you. But then you grow up and all sorts of responsibilities are dumped on you; you suddenly don’t know this foreign world. It all feels scary and malicious, ready to take you out, but then you learn. You learn how to be an adult and things aren’t that hard anymore. Except if it comes to your feelings. People always say, ‘we are adults, we have to approach the issue straight on and address it; you have to talk about your feelings without holding anything back’. But that’s always easier said than done. Because I am an adult and yet I still don’t know how to tell the man lying down next to me that I’m in love with him. The room feels hot, skins glistening in the moonlight that comes in through the open window, both of our chests rise quickly, neither one of us having completely come down from our highs. I love it while it’s happening but hate it after it’s over. The sex is amazing with Soonyoung, he knows every inch of my body, he knows what turns me on and what I hate. He never chases his own release; he works for both of us. He’s rough but never to the extent to hurt me or make me uncomfortable. But then it’s over and there come the feelings I try repressing during the day. The want to turn into him and snuggle into his side, legs intertwined, eyes closed as we fall asleep is hard to ignore. Sometimes it happens, but then one of us leaves before the other could wake up. The bed feels empty without him and some mornings it makes me crazy. My sheets carry his scent, the scent I feel around me everywhere; it’s so deeply etched into my own being that it’s simply everywhere. Actions can be scary, but feelings are scarier. I closed my eyes to take another breath before turning my head. Soonyoung’s tongue poked out to lick his dry lips before he turned his head to face me, our dark brown eyes locking onto each other. My heart speed up, could he see it in my eyes? The desperate love I wanted him to see and feel? Or was he the oblivious boy he used to be back in high school? He changed in many aspects, but one thing remained the same: he was the same funny guy I used to hang out with, the same guy who always carried a smile on his lips and hid his real feelings.

Being on time was an issue I tried to fix my whole life. At first, it wasn’t my fault, my dad would never be on time, therefore, I was always late thanks to him. But slowly, after I was independent enough to be on my own, I started noticing that I took on his habit, being late almost everywhere. I overslept my first class today, which would be an issue later on as I have another class with the same teacher, and now I was hurrying down the hallway to try and not be late to my second class as well. And it was going well, until it wasn’t. A hard show sent my arms out and my notebook, book, and pencil case flying to the ground. It took me by surprise as there were few people in the hallway that someone would run into me, there was plenty of space. My eyes fell on the culprit as he carried on his way as if nothing had happened. 

My morning grumpiness got the best of me and I opened my mouth to call out before he could round the corner, “Next time apologize, asshole!”

I bent down to pick up my three things laying on the ground, groaning when the bell rang, now I have to make it inside class before the teacher does. As I stood up once again, a black curly-haired boy stood in front of me. His cheeks were puffy and his eyes sharp and small. He resembled a hamster; it was the boy who ran into me. His uniform wasn’t neat and his left shoe tie was unmade. I glanced over his figure again before making eye contact. His dark eyes had a certain allure to them and I definitely didn’t expect the sudden wide smile he offered me.

“Sorry! I’m kind of in a rush,” He spoke hurriedly, his voice a bit raspy.

“Well, me too, but do you see me running into others when there’s enough space for the both of us in a, now, empty hallway?” I raised my eyebrows expectantly, eyes falling on his name tag. Kwon Soonyoung. I haven’t heard of him before, however, his face is one I would have remembered for sure if I saw it around. Is he new? Or just invisible like me?

“Uh, sorry…” The boy scratched his neck embarrassed as he looked around us, “I overslept, so I’m in a hurry to get to my second class in time--”

“We are already late, so don’t bother” I sighed as I walked around the boy to start my walk, now casual, towards my class. I was for sure late now, the teacher probably inside, there was no need for me to rush anymore.

“You overslept too?” The boy was by my side and I nodded my head wordlessly.

“I’m Kwon Soonyoung!” He extended his hand while we were walking and I looked at him before shaking his hand firmly. He was smiling widely and I offered him a close-lipped smile.

“I’m Lim Y/N” I introduced myself and Soonyoung nodded his head violently.

“I know!” He was excited as he kept grinning, his eyes disappearing completely, cheeks even puffier. I could pinch those cheeks right now.

“Yeah, we have name tags…” I muttered with a chuckle as we rounded the corner.

“No, I know who you are!” My eyes fell on the overly excited boy walking next to me and my eyebrows furrowed. How did he know who I am but I didn’t know who he was?

“Did we meet before?” I asked confused as Soonyoung stopped walking.

“No” He chuckled and looked at a closed-door he was standing in front of, “But we always arrive at the same time to school...well, besides today…”

“Oh” I muttered as I tried to remember his face but couldn’t connect it to his words, “If you say so”

“I’m not well known, but that’s fine” He chuckled as he shrugged his shoulders. I glanced at my wristwatch and figured I should really get to class now.

“I’ll see you around then, I guess,” I said as Soonyoung nodded before knocking on the door he was standing in front of.

“See you” He winked before sliding the door open and stepping inside while bowing. What a weird boy, I thought to myself as I walked down the hallway, finally arriving to my class. I did the same thing Soonyoung did and thanked the heavens the teacher asked no questions.

Our eyes stayed locked as I wondered what Soonyoung was thinking. He looked troubled; eyebrows furrowed as his eyes fell to my lips. My heart rate picked up again and I was ready to refuse a second round, tonight I wasn’t feeling it anymore. But Soonyoung said nothing as he scooted closer and draped an arm around my naked torso, his naked body coming in contact with mine. His skin brushing against mine made me feel like I was on fire, as if a few minutes ago he wasn’t inside me making me feel things only he could. The way our bodies molded together made me almost forget the things I wanted to tell him. I could never truly muster up the courage to tell him that I love him more than a friend, after all, we are just friends. Friends who help each other out in desperate times. I’ve known Soonyoung for almost ten years. 

We met in high school for the first time and quickly became friends, connecting over our similar interests and the fact that we were pretty much invisible to the others, friendless. Soonyoung was always happy and smiling, he quickly became someone I relied on upon and confided in. When he needed someone serious to talk to or just listen to his rants, he knew he had me and that I wouldn’t judge him, as many others did. But then high school was over and we made empty promises to keep in touch throughout college, but I wasn’t too wealthy so I couldn’t attend the same college he chose. And in our second year, Soonyoung transferred to a bigger city to have part of better education, leaving me behind. And slowly like that, our friendship faded into distant happy memories. We both went on with our lives, sending each other birthday wishes when those days came around the year, but never truly did anything to reach out for a real conversation. I figured he was busy and if he really wanted to talk to me, he’d know where to find me. College came to an end after a few years and soon I found myself working in an office where my boss was loathsome, I didn’t last for long there, only a year. And that’s when I found my dream job presented to me. A wedding planner agency, they had a free spot for the interior designing of the places the soon-to-be-wed couple chose. So, I applied and I got the job. Everything went well there, the colleagues were nice and soon I found myself in a friendly relationship with everyone from the office. Our boss was a very nice older lady, hair always in a bun and lips always painted a nice shade of pink. She was always smiling and she always knew how to create a welcoming and pleasant environment for her working place. Maybe that’s what attracted her to Soonyoung so much. He emitted a certain warmness that drew people in, a small always on his face. He was rarely angry, he stayed calm in stressful situations, and he always had a joke for when times became unbearable. So, he got employed. To the same company I have been working for, for five years. And he changed, a lot. His innocent smiles from high school turned into flirty ones. His somewhat raspy voice turned into a full rasp and sultry comments. He got taller too, his body lean and worked. His dark hair didn’t grow much, but the curliness was gone and nowadays a few strands were always falling in his eyes. The puffiness from his cheeks subsided and he became manly looking, his sharp eyes keeping you fixated on a spot if he wanted to. His behavior didn’t change much, except he became more confident and less invisible. Unlike me, throughout the years I turned more into myself and realized I didn’t need people to be close to me, I felt more comfortable being on my own. Maybe it was the fear of getting to know someone more only to be left behind, like it happened with Soonyoung, but I was content. It’s not like I was actively looking for a friendship, even though sometimes I would complain about it to my sister, emphasis on sometimes. But of course, when Soonyoung and I reconciled, things were bound to happen. We weren’t oblivious teenagers anymore, we were adults with certain needs. And somewhere along those lines, we found ourselves in a friend with benefits kind of relationship. I didn’t even know I found Soonyoung attractive until he kissed me behind the club while we went out so that he could take a cigarette break, he’s an amazing dancer, by the way. But now I wish he didn’t kiss me that night, a year ago, because maybe then I wouldn’t feel so choked up by the feelings he makes me feel now. 

“Did you look for decoration for the reception?” Soonyoung’s sleepy voice broke me out of my thoughts. By how slowly he was breathing, I assumed he already fell asleep.

“Sort of,” I mumbled quietly, not fighting the urge to play with his hair anymore, “I can’t decide on the colors”

“What does the bride want?” Soonyoung’s question got muffled when he pressed a kiss between my breasts. 

I sighed and gulped as my heart continued beating violently, “She didn’t specify, but I’m leaning more towards beige” 

“Beige is always a good color choice” Soonyoung muttered as his long fingers ran down the side of my body.

“Yeah” I muttered as I looked up at the ceiling, trying to calm my erratic heart beating. I knew he could hear it, or feel it, and it made me anxious. Would he think it was from the sex or did he know how much these little interactions, touches, actually made me feel? But tonight, I didn’t want to find out, tonight I just wanted to take a hot shower, drown a whole bottle of wine and go to bed, in my own bed.

“I have to head home” I spoke up as I cleared my throat, glancing down at Soonyoung. He groaned as he muzzled his face more into my chest, his hair tickling my breast.

“Did your mom give you a new curfew?” He joked as he lifted his head and gazed at me. I chuckled and rolled my eyes, trying to hide the blush that came onto my cheeks at the view in front of me. I could never get used to the image of Soonyoung after sex. He looked so hot while disheveled. 

“No, but my boss won’t be impressed if I’m late to work--”

“Again” We chorused at the same time, both of us giggling, Soonyoung’s eyes disappearing as he pushed himself up onto his elbows. I quieted down and licked my lips, awaiting his next move. He really didn’t seem like he was about to move, so I nudged him with my leg. 

“Get off, leech, I can’t get up” Soonyoung’s laughter echoed in the quiet room and I shook my head at him, “I’m serious”

“Can’t you just sleep over?” He whined like a little kid and I shook my head, raising to my elbows, closing the distance between our faces. Soonyoung’s breath mixed with mine and I really wanted to lean in and capture his lips with mine, so when he did it first, I hummed contently. I let my eyes fall closed as our lips moved lazily against each other, knowing this was Soonyoung’s way of trying to trick me into staying with him, I didn’t let myself get lost in the feeling of him, even if I wanted to.

“I’m going” I muttered as I tilted my head back, away from Soonyoung’s lips. He just groaned and started kissing my neck instead.

“Stay” He muttered, lazily landing a wet kiss on my jaw, “Please?”

“No.” I said firmly as I lowered my head to look into his eyes. I leaned forwards and pecked his lips quickly before gently pushing him over, letting him fall on his back on the bed.

“Let me drive you home?” He asked as I quickly rose from the bed and found my underwear, putting it on.

“I’ll call for a cab” I answered him as I bent down to pick up my black jeans, feeling his eyes on me.

“With me, you are safer” He argued and I sighed as I threw on my grey sweater, zipping my jeans up.

“I’ll text you when I get home” I found my socks and smiled in victory as one was thrown underneath the bed.

“You better not forget it this time” Soonyoung’s glare was playful as he sat up on his bed, still fully naked. I gave him a pointed look before seeing his briefs at the foot of the bed and throwing it at him.

“You know I probably will and get dressed, you’ll get sick” I scolded him as I went around his bed to close the window and pull the curtains closed.

“You know the old ladies love a good show” He wiggled his ass as he pulled his briefs on and I giggled as I opened the locked door of his bedroom. I was surprised to find the lights on in the kitchen, a very sleepy Jihoon rubbing his eyes as he eyed a carton of milk in the fridge.

“You’re leaving?” He asked surprised, jumping when I accidentally bumped my bag into the table by the bathroom door.

“Yeah, I still have some work to do for tomorrow” I found my boots quickly and pulled them on, shooting Jihoon an apologetic smile, “I hope we didn’t wake you up…”

“Thank God you didn’t, Soonyoung is so loud” He grumbled with a glare and I heard a scoff coming from the living room.

“I know” I whispered with a chuckle and Jihoon shook his head before finally drinking out of the carton of milk.

“Hey! We share that together, can you stop leaving your saliva over everything?!” Soonyoung’s shriek made both Jihoon and I groan as the culprit came marching into the kitchen.

“I bought this with my own money!” Jihoon turned his back to Soonyoung when he tried taking the carton of milk from him. 

“It’s late, can’t you two be less noisy? I’m sure the family living underneath doesn’t appreciate you screaming at night…” I threw them a glance as I unlocked my phone and ordered a cab through the app, pulling my leather jacket on. 

“If you want to scold us, just leave already, mother” I flicked Soonyoung off as I unlocked the front door and opened it, poking my head back in.

“By the way, I love the new color, Jihoon” I whispered with a smile, the newly dyed blonde giving me an appreciative thumbs up. Soonyoung’s amused smile slowly slipped from his lips before he marched over, I didn’t miss the subtle glare thrown Jihoon’s way, and he went to playfully show the door in my face.

“Good night” He mumbled quietly, a softness rarely heard enveloping his voice.

“Night, Soo” I winked before turning around and heading for the stairs, ignoring the longing to turn around and crawl back into bed with him.

   Soonyoung was right, the color beige is always a good choice. I stared at the reception in front of me decorated in beige colors, a proud smile slipping on my lips. The fairy lights around the tables gave the room a dreamy feel and the flowers on each table brought a touch of freshness. The bride and groom were yet to arrive so my nerves were still over the roof. It was always hard and nerve-wracking when it came to decorating a place to other’s likes, even if all were discussed in detail. 

“Breathtaking, as always” The male voice whispered in my ear and I cringed away from Soonyoung. He was wearing his usual dark blue suit, rings decorating his fingers, and loose strands of black hair falling in his eyes.

“I told you to don’t do that here” I threw a glare at him as I took off between the aisles of tables and chairs. I heard Soonyoung chuckle behind me and I tried to ignore the sudden jump of my heart. I missed him even though I just saw him yesterday. 

“It’s just us here, Y/N, relax” Soonyoung took a different route as he bent down and started examining the silverware. 

“Half of the decoration team is here, Soonyoung, please” I rolled my eyes as I found a stray napkin on one table and picked it up.

“That’s Hana’s fault” Soonyoung’s voice turned stern as he came up beside me.

“Go easy on her, she’s been here for a month only” I pressed the napkin into his chest as clapping came from behind us. I turned around with a smile and headed towards our boss, her lips in a wide smile.

“This is spectacular, Y/N, you’ve been working for me for so long yet you surprise me each time!” She exclaimed as she looked around the room, patting Soonyoung’s arm when he came up beside me, napkin stuffed in his pocket now.

“Thank you, Mrs. Choi” I bowed my head and she walked past us, stopping by a table.

“Did you bring the cameras, Soonyoung?” She asked as she leaned down a bit to arrange the flowers in the vase.

“Everything is set, Mrs. Choi, we are waiting for the bride and groom” He answered her back smoothly, sending me a wink. I rolled my eyes as the clicking of heels caught my attention. Kim Yerim, dressed in all pink, came waltzing inside with her blonde hair in two pigtails. My eyes widened before I sighed, looking back at Mrs. Choi and Soonyoung.

“Morning!” She greeted in the loudest voice ever and came to a stop next to me, “Damn! This place is fucking awesome!”

I threw Yerim a look before I sighed again, pointing at her outfit, “Are you headed to Disneyland or something?” 

“I look like a princess, don’t I?” She giggled excited, twirling around in a slow pirouette. I pushed her shoulder playfully.

“More like a Barbie doll” Soonyoung walked up to us with a smirk on his lips, eyes traveling over Yerim’s body. I gulped as I looked at the wall ahead, trying to ignore the sudden fire that was ignited inside my body. Of course, Soonyoung flirts with every female from work, even Mrs. Choi sometimes, but that doesn’t mean I’m not bothered by it every time he does it. In fact, I hate it. How he just so casually compliments other women with his flirty tone, looking them up and down; and I know they feel weak in the knees; how he just so casually winks at everyone or the playful touches, especially with Yerim. I like Yerim, a lot, she’s eccentric, much like Soonyoung, and she’s fun to hang out with. She swears a lot, but that’s something everyone already got used to, yet I can never brush aside the want to grab her by her silky blonde hair and smash her head against a wall. Sometimes she wears something overly sexy just because she likes the attention from Soonyoung, and I know because she confessed to it some time ago while we were on a coffee break in the recreation room. I wanted to throw my coffee at her when I heard her words. Very mature, I know.

“Guess you could be my Ken for tonight?” Yerim raised her eyebrows, a smirk crossing her lips and my jaw clenched when Soonyoung chuckled airily, leaning a bit closer to her.

“Just for tonight?” I wanted to kick him, drag him away by his hair, gag his mouth with toilet paper, and scream at him that I love him, that I want him, that he’s mine. But instead, I took a deep breath and exhaled quietly, trying to put on an amused smile and smooth out the venomous tone wanting to come through.

“You can sort out your business after we are done here,” I gripped Yerim’s arm a bit too harshly and turned her around, “Because the bride just arrived and you need to dress her up for the photoshoot”

“Fuck, she’s here?” Yerim exclaimed, “I gotta run to the car to bring in the clothes, catch you later!”

I shook my head as Soonyoung giggled while we watched Yerim run away in her pink stiletto heels. Mrs. Choi was still at the front, sorting out the name tags for the tables.

“Go do your job, Mr. Kwon” I turned to Soonyoung with raised eyebrows and he did a mocking salute before glancing back to see what Mrs. Choi was doing.

“Yes, ma’am, yes” Then he took a step closer and my eyes widened when he squeezed my ass, “I want to bend you over and fuck you against one of those tables, this dress fits your body in all the right places”

I bit my lower lip, staring into Soonyoung’s hooded eyes as his gaze dropped to my lips. Yes, I think I would like that proposition a lot, but then the words he said to Yerim rang through my head and the heat I felt was suddenly gone. Right, we are at work.

“Just...do your job, Soonyoung” I muttered breathless, pushing him away gently. He groaned as he took a glance at my lips again then walked out, leaving me with Mrs. Choi. I took a deep breath and tried to clear my foggy mind, organize my messy thoughts. Sometimes I wish I never agreed to this whole madness with Soonyoung. 

“Dear, I think you messed up a few names, come check it out!” Mrs. Choi called from the front of the room and I started walking towards her with a sigh.

“Coming now!”

       Pictures and pictures lay endlessly on my big counter in the kitchen, laptop pushed to the side and wine glass in my hands. Yesterday’s reception went amazingly, the bride and groom were in love with how I decorated the place and earlier today I was assigned another couple. They’ve been together for half a year only and they were pretentious. They had a sophisticated taste and every little detail mattered. They even instructed me to place five white pearls on each table, not more not less. It was challenging and my headache was turning stronger as I kept staring at various pictures of what I could do for the reception. I’ve been working in this field for a long time now, but some clients were indeed special. Special enough to give me a headache, that is. I groaned as I pushed the picture of the reception, that I did last year, beach themed, and placed my wine glass down, far away from my laptop and pictures. It wasn’t even that tiring, yet I felt like I haven’t slept in days. My brain was restless. It wanted me to tell Soonyoung everything, to confess finally. My chest felt heavy every time I had to look at him flirting with other women, draining a great deal of my energy. I want to confess, badly, but I’m scared. He’s so good at concealing his feelings, that I genuinely can’t even predict his reaction. Would he be surprised? Would he be angry? Would he laugh at me? Would he tell me he already knew? Would he tell me…he feels the same? Countless and countless scenarios ran through my mind as I quickly slapped my cheeks and looked back down at the pictures. Focus, Y/N, your job is more important than your feelings right now. The bride wanted purple colored decoration but the groom something orange. Now, these two colors would look hideous together but somehow, we have to make them work. How? That’s what I’m currently trying to work out. Maybe use purple decoration and put orange flowers here and there? Maybe use orange pearls? No, she pointed out she wanted white ones. What if I use white and orange ones? That wouldn’t look too bad. What if I decorate the bride and groom’s table orange and the rest purple? That shouldn’t look so bad. I should talk to Soonyoung first, see what his ideas are. After all, we are partners when it comes to our work, we do it together. We were supposed to be doing this together right now, actually, but something urgent came up and Soonyoung had to cancel. Something so urgent that he couldn’t even tell me about it, that hasn’t happened before. We are friends, first of all, we tell each other most things. As I reached for my glass of wine, my phone pinged, alerting me that I had a message. From Soonyoung, I knew because he has a different ringtone. I reached for my phone and opened it up as I took a small sip of my wine. I almost finished what I had poured out in my glass.

From Soonyoung: Be there in ten!

My eye widened as I nearly dropped my glass. Be here in ten? What does he mean? He can’t just come over like that! I’m not in the mood to get laid tonight, I actually have a lot of work to do! And he has too, what is he thinking?!

To Soonyoung: No, you can’t come over!

The response was almost immediate.

From Soonyoung: Too late, I’m two blocks away.

To Soonyoung: Don’t drive and text you idiot!

My heart started beating erratically as my eyes scanned my apartment. Shit! It’s a mess! I quickly hopped of from the stool and ran into my bedroom to put on a lacey bra. Maybe I can convince him to leave me alone tonight and actually get some work done together. I quickly pulled my hair in a low messy bun and ran back out to my living room. I quickly arranged the pillows on my sofa and turned off the TV, which was on for some background noise. I groaned as my eyes fell on the leftover pizza, that I left on the coffee table, the box too big for me to quickly throw away so I took it in my hands and walked to my counter and dropped it off behind it. No, you shouldn’t put food on the floor, am I desperate enough to do it? Yes. My kitchen was open so there was no wall separating my living room from it, just the counter. Before I could do anything else, I heard the turn of a key and the lock unlocking as Soonyoung came into view. I quickly put on a small smile, trying not to fidget much as my heart continued to beat quickly. I could never get enough of seeing him. It’s always as if it’s the first time. He takes my breath away. I gulped as I watched him take his shoes off at the entrance and he closed the front door, not locking it. Is this a quick visit then? Does he have an idea and he just quickly wants to give me the sketch? He wouldn’t have taken off his shoes then, or come over, he would have just done it tomorrow at work.

“So, what are you doing here?” I cleared my throat before speaking and Soonyoung looked at me with a wide grin. He looked so happy and enthusiastic that I couldn’t help it and returned the smile, with less energy though.

“Let’s sit down first!” He giggled as he skipped towards my grey sofa from the living room and I raised my eyebrows as I followed him, tugging on the sleeves of my oversized sweater. Soonyoung’s hands were crossed as he leaned his elbows forward on his knees and I sat next to him, a bit rigidly, as I waited for him to speak. I wanted to scoot a tiny little bit closer, to feel his body heat. He was like a magnet, always pulling me closer and closer until there was no space left between us. It was always so hard to not touch him when we were together. I always found somehow an excuse to lay my hands on him. Even if it was just the small action of smoothing down his shirt or collar of his coat.

“So…” He trailed off as he turned serious and I gulped. Did he figure it out? Does he know I love him? What’s with the sudden seriousness? He definitely isn’t here for sex. He would be undressing me by now if that was the case.

“So…” I trailed off, trying to get him to talk but patience laced my voice, to let him know it was okay if he needed time to word his thoughts.

“I’m going to be just plain forward, simple and honest.” He turned his head so that our brown eyes could look into each other’s, and I gulped loudly. Tonight, I fall, tonight he tells me he knew all along and that he can’t return the feelings. And that’s heart wrenching but perhaps even alright. I understand.

“I have a girlfriend” Silence, that’s what followed his words. Deafening silence. The sentence, ‘I have a girlfriend’, echoed through my mind as if he said it again. I gulped and smoothed out my face, no reaction.

“You have a girlfriend?” My voice was composed, sincere and curious. I even smiled, giggling inside. Soonyoung has a girlfriend? I silenced my thoughts, almost screaming at them to shut up, as Soonyoung opened his mouth to speak again.

“Yes” His voice was so quiet, he looked shocked. I was the one feeling shocked actually. My smile widened and for some reason, the way Soonyoung was watching me, made me feel like I was crazy.

“That’s amazing! I never thought I’d hear you saying those words!” I chuckled as I went to reach out and squeeze his hand, but stopped myself and instead scratched my thigh as if it started itching. He has a girlfriend, I can’t touch him, not anymore.

“Yeah-yeah…” Soonyoung breathed, gulping almost speechless as he continued watching me like a hawk, “It finally happened, I guess. It’s out of the blue, I know, but…yeah.”

“Damn, it is out of the blue!” I exclaimed and crossed one leg over the other, trying to hide my trembling hands as I slid them between my thighs, “But…you know, we are back to being friends. Just friends, Soonyoung”

Soonyoung’s jaw clenched at my words and I almost frowned as I bit my lower lip nervously, scared it would start trembling as well. My whole body was on the verge of trembling, my heart was thumping so loudly I was afraid I wouldn’t hear Soonyoung’s response.

“Just friends?” He whispered but then caught himself and cleared his throat, “Yeah! We are great friends, aren’t we?”

“Bestest friends, Soonyoung” I laughed, tears almost pooling up in my eyes, almost, “Since high school, eh?”

“Yeah, who would’ve thought…” Soonyoung shrugged his shoulders before abruptly standing up, “I have to work on the interior design, I didn’t get to do any work yet”

My eyes fell on my packed counter and my eyes remained glued to it. I didn’t want to look at Soonyoung anymore, I felt sick. Nauseous. I wanted to grab my glass of wine and throw it at him, but I forced myself to turn my head back and stare him in the eyes.

“You better, I’m almost finished with my ideas. Just drop off your sketches in my office tomorrow morning” Soonyoung nodded as he sniffed and glanced around my apartment before his eyes fell on my body, running all over it. I hated it; I hate him. Because I knew what he was thinking by the way his eyes darkened.

“You’re wearing my favorite hoodie” His voice was quiet and lower as he licked his lips and I walked up to him and quickly hugged him, but there was no force in my arms, no passion whatsoever.

“It’s late, I’m tired since I worked all day. See you tomorrow, Soonyoung” I didn’t give him time to reciprocate the hug and pulled away as I walked to the front door and grabbed the handle. Soonyoung smiled, but it didn’t look genuine at all, as he walked next to me and took on his shoes. His body was so close to mine that I could feel his warmness, his intoxicating scent. His eyes narrowed when he rose back up, scrutinizing me as my smile widened.

“Good night, then” He stepped out as I opened the door for him.

“Good night!” I watched him walk towards the elevator and push the button to order it up. He turned his head a little and I waved cutely at him, watching him as he boarded the elevator once it arrived. The doors closed and Soonyoung was gone from my vision. Disgust flooded my body as I closed my door slowly, the clicking of one lock feeling like a scream in my quiet apartment. The second lock, however, set everything off. The second turn of the lock, made my heart explode into a million pieces. My heart was glass and that glass just exploded into so many tiny pieces, that it would never be mended back together. It needs to be thrown away and replaced. But you can’t throw away a heart just like that. My hands startled trembling violently as I finally let my body do whatever it wanted. I was alone, I could do whatever the fuck I wanted. My thoughts, the ones I screamed at to stay silent, suddenly came back screaming at me. ‘I have a girlfriend’, it made me chuckle. Because, really, it’s very hilarious! How did I never notice?! Then it turned into a giggle, because, honestly, we are best friends! How did it slip through my fingers? How did I not see it sooner? Wait, why did he never tell me? And suddenly, I was sobbing. Tears were flowing down my cheeks so quickly that there was no reason for me to wipe them away, new ones would replace them. I leaned against the wall as my body curled into a ball as much as it could while standing. My thoughts screamed continuously: ‘This is your fault! Why did you not tell him earlier? Why are you sobbing right now? It’s disgusting what you are doing, please stop! You are such a fucking idiot, Y/N! He has a girlfriend.’

My head started throbbing worse and I straightened up and glanced around, eyes falling on the bottle of wine. My throat felt dry, my eyes were burning and there was definitely snot coming out of my nose, a bit salty, as I wiped it away with the sleeve of my sweater. Disgusting, I’ll have to wash it tomorrow. I grinned as I walked up to the counter and took the bottle in my hands, examining it. Rosé, my favorite. What a perfect timing to get fucking wasted. I sat on the stool and raised the bottle, pouring as much of the alcohol that I could in my mouth without choking myself. Suddenly then I realized that the throbbing of my head wasn’t the worst feeling I was feeling right now. Oh no. It was the hollowness in my chest that made me choke up and start another downpour of tears. It was so foreign yet so familiar. Turns out, I’ve always felt like this when it came to Soonyoung, just not this intensely. I wanted to rip my hair out, to kick someone, to scream at Soonyoung. How could he play with my heart so much without knowing what he was doing? Why did I allow him to do that? Why did I go so deep that I allowed him to make me feel like this? Like what? Like utter garbage, like the leftover you get disgusted by when you look at it, like that present you get from your aunt and you hate but you have to pretend you like? And disgust. It was so powerful, I wanted to scrub it all away. I glared at the last place where Soonyoung stood not so long ago and took off towards the window, forcefully opening it to get rid of his scent. I have to wash myself and every single clothing and bed sheet he’s ever touched. I have to clean everything. I have to clean myself.

        The next morning, I looked worse than what I felt like. My eyes were burning, still, puffy and even red. My nose was red and my upper lip swollen. I looked horrible and I panicked more and more the longer I looked in the mirror. Not even makeup can salvage the way I look, at least not the kind of makeup that I know how to apply. I groaned as I grabbed my phone and dialed the person I wanted to talk to least as first thing in the morning.

“It’s so fucking early! You are lucky I was already awake or else—”

“Good morning” I cut Yerim off with a grunt and the girl just sighed.

“Are you okay?” She asked calmly, realizing how weird this was. I rarely called the girl for anything other than work and I didn’t even tell her yet what I needed.

“Somewhat” I muttered as I tried to tame my wild hair, “Question.”

“Shoot, damn, you’re making me anxious, Y/N!” I rolled my eyes as Yerim shuffled on the other end of the phone.

“Can you do my makeup today?” I asked while chewing on my lower lip, afraid of her reaction.

“Fuck yes! Finally!” Yerim exclaimed and I scrunched my nose up at her loudness, “I’ve been waiting for this my whole life!”

“Okay, cool, I’ll see you in an hour at work!” Before she could say anything else, I quickly hung up and groaned. God damn it, I look horrible! I quickly pulled my wild hair in a high ponytail and got to washing my face, trying to get the swell to go away with cold water. After drinking all the wine, I had in that bottle, I went and took a hot shower, burning my skin because I was drunk and stupid, and then proceeded to cry myself to sleep. I don’t think I have ever before cried so much. My chest felt empty and hollow still, my eyes filled with tears still when I thought of Soonyoung, but I felt lighter. The break down last night wasn’t something pretty but it was better than bottling it up for longer. I already bottled up too many things.

When Yerim saw me, she gasped and probably swore for at least ten minutes, I didn’t check the time. She didn’t ask questions so at least I didn’t have to come up with a stupid excuse, but she scolded me every five minutes and kept saying she’d have to come over to give my skin a treatment after I dared to destroy it last night. I was itching to ask her if she had a treatment for my broken heart as well, but I didn’t. I would sound bitter and I didn’t want to explain myself. Today, I wanted to be left alone. By everyone. I wanted to close my eyes every time Soonyoung passed by, I wanted to block out his voice, his flirty and annoying remarks. I just wanted to work on the design for the upcoming reception, but for that I needed to see Soonyoung. And I didn’t want to do that, so I postponed our meeting. We have a whole month until the reception, I don’t have to rush myself so much right now. I need at least a week to recover.

But that was a lie. A week turned into a week and five days. It was finally Friday and I’d be free for the next two days. I could do some touch up on the sketches Soonyoung left in my office last week and finally organize a meeting where we can talk about all the little important details. I still wasn’t ready to just face him, but I had to suck it up. We are adults, aren’t we? I might as well start acting like it, but only starting from next Monday. Today, I shall still wallow in my pain and ignore Soonyoung as best as I can. Which is starting to become harder and harder as his text are becoming more and more overwhelming. I could brush him off for one week, making it seem like I was actually busy with work and not dying a little bit more every night while I watched my favorite movie, ate mint chocolate ice cream and drank wine to wash away the hollowness in my chest. It didn’t even work, it just made it worse for the next day when I looked in the mirror and saw how messy and unkept I looked. I didn’t exactly care but I knew I had to stop being a baby when even Mrs. Choi voiced her concerns about my well-being. I didn’t even know others could see my suffering. Everyone but Soonyoung, who would happily waltz into my office from time to time and tell me random things, which used to entertain me before, but now they were just pissing me off. I wanted to smash his face in, but I couldn’t.

  I was quietly enjoying my coffee in the recreation room when another person entered, making me sigh to myself quietly. I’d have to make conversation again, lovely. But as I turned to face the incomer, my breath caught in my throat and my heart thudded in a dull way. Soonyoung was standing close to me, staring me in the eyes intently, with his eyes narrowed. I gulped and quickly raised the mug to my lips to take a big sip of my coffee, finding it as an excuse to break eye contact.

“Okay, what’s happening with you?” Soonyoung asked when I loudly slurped the coffee, voice angry. My eyes widened as I looked at him, taken aback by his sudden anger. He was rarely angry; it took a lot to piss of Kwon Soonyoung.

I gulped and shrugged as I side stepped him, putting distance between our bodies, “I don’t know. Nothing?”

He was only standing so close to me to intimidate me, to make me tell him what he wanted to know. But I wouldn’t do what he wanted anymore, we were over that. I wasn’t going to bend to his wishes so easily anymore.

“How’s your girlfriend doing?” I asked with a smile, trying not to cringe at the word ‘girlfriend’ and to keep an even tone.

“Pretty well, don’t change the subject” Soonyoung snapped and I dropped my fake happy smile.

“I didn’t” I muttered and continued to slurp my coffee loudly, realizing it was pissing Soonyoung off more. It was actually quite entertaining to watch him clench and unclench his jaw while he glared at my mug, who knew such little action could tick him off!

“Yes, you did and stop slurping that God damn coffee like a five-year-old!”

“Woah, woah, there, horsy! What’s got your knickers in a twist?” I asked with a snicker and Soonyoung opened his mouth lightning fast but he closed it a second later. He took a deep breath and his eyes softened. My heart skipped a beat, the broken pieces becoming a bit more broken if that’s possible, and I tried to look away from his face but our eyes were glued together.

“I don’t know what’s happening with you, but you barely speak to me nowadays” Soonyoung spoke quietly, leaning against the counter defeated. Shit, guilt enveloped me as I watched his tired face, “Your responses to my text messages are dry, you don’t hang out with me anymore and you always throw me out of your office when I have something to rant about! Why are you ignoring me?!”

I lowered my mug on the table that was between us and tried to push down the sudden urge to walk up to him and hug him tightly and apologize, “I know, I just…I’m so busy. These clients are really making me work hard. I mean, their color combination is horrible and we have to make it work somehow. I’m also trying to match the decoration to your sketches, while trying to find a fitting set for the photoshoot. I guess I just got really busy suddenly. But when we are done with these clients we can—uh, hang out…”

“Hang out, yeah” Soonyoung whispered as he looked down at the ground and I bit my lip nervously. It’s not like what I said was a total lie, “Jihoon misses you, you should come hang out with us sometime when you decide to rest even for a second”

Jihoon misses me. Only Jihoon? Jihoon and I aren’t even friends, we just know each other because he’s Soonyoung’s flat mate and because I would go over to have sex with Soonyoung almost daily. I wanted to hear Soonyoung saying he misses me, I wanted him to tell me he can’t live without me, that his heart breaks every day more as we spend less and less time together. This is just like the first time we grew apart, but a lot more painful. Back then I thought I only lost a friend, now I feel like I lost a piece of myself as well.

“I’ll see when I finally get to rest” I smiled at Soonyoung again before quickly leaving the room, leaving a solemn Soonyoung behind. Unlike me, he radiated more and more as days went by. His smile was wider than ever, his laughter louder than before. He even stopped flirting so obviously with the other women, especially Yerim, and it made me think how serious his relationship must be. He never spoke about it, but the little changes said enough. Or at least the little changes he wanted us to see, his real feelings buried deep inside away from everyone’s eyes.

        The day was finally over and I dragged myself home. My apartment quickly became my sanctuary over the past week. Here nobody could bother me if I didn’t let them in and most importantly! I didn’t have to see Soonyoung! If before I couldn’t wait to see Soonyoung, now I can’t wait to get away and ignore him. It’s not the best way to deal with things, I’m further ruining our friendship, but it’s the only way I can cope. For now, I’ll just ignore him for as long as I can, and once I get over him, I can tell him why I did what I did. He would understand me, for sure, and hopefully even forgive me. If I thought before, that I think too much about Soonyoung, ever since he told me he has a girlfriend I feel like I’m obsessed with him. I’m constantly thinking of him and all the if’s that could have been. It’s not healthy and I keep telling myself to stop, but it’s really hard. I want to be the one he hugs and whispers his lame jokes to when cuddling in bed. I want to be the one who gets to wake up to him next to me every morning and cook together breakfast that will be burnt in the end. I want to be the one who’d argue with him for having a messy room, and I want to be with him and plan a future, our future. But I’m not and that thought drives me into craziness and I just want to run into a wall and let my body fall crushed to the ground. But I can’t do all those, I have to live my life. This is just another cruel joke that life has to offer me and so far, I’m not taking it well at all. Jokes are supposed to be funny.

Surprisingly enough, ever since I became pretty much depressive, I found the little motivation hidden deep inside to clean up my apartment and cook daily! My apartment hasn’t been this clean ever since I stopped living with my parents, I made great effort to keep it crystal clear. I even started calling Yerim almost daily to ask her for new recipes, apparently, she’s an amazing cook! I never knew all the cookies she brough to work were cooked by her! It’s as if the suffering Soonyoung caused me has opened my eyes to a new world, in which he didn’t play that much part, and that world, as painful as it was, was actually much better and liberating. But my high spirits were crushed when I opened one cupboard and saw I had no pasta…or sauce for the pasta. I then thought of ditching home cooked dinner but then I opened my fridge and realized I drank all the wine last night. Damn it! I groaned loudly as I turned around and quickly hopped into my white sneakers and pulled on my brown coat. I must look horrible wearing sweatpants, and a turtle neck with a coat. But the little market is just five minutes away, it’s already 8pm, there’s not many people outside since it’s cold. I locked the front door and instead of taking the elevator and wasting my time by waiting for it, I quickly raced down the seven flight of stairs and left the building, shivering at the cold. I underestimated the weather tonight, I should have worn my thick jacket instead of this coat! But that only urged me to walk faster in order to reach the market and the lovely warmness. The bell chimed loudly, the sound drowned out by the music coming from the stereos, as I pushed the door open and stepped inside. There was no one behind the counter and I looked around, trying to remember where the pasta was last time. The boss of the market has a weird habit of reorganizing the aisles every few weeks, confusing, but I won’t question it. As I passed by the freezers my eyes fell on the wines and I hurried towards them, quickly zeroing out my favorite brand. I took a bottle off the shelf and looked around to find the pasta. It was at the second aisle to my left and I strutted towards it with a victorious smile. However, once I got there, I stopped with furrowed eyebrows. What kind of pasta should I buy? There are so many types, I never understood the logic behind it. Isn’t pasta, pasta? Why do you need so many types? Just make spaghetti and everyone will buy it! Why have penne, tagliatelle, tortilla and all the other types that I don’t even know the names of. I rubbed my chin as my eyes juggled between the tagliatelle and the penne. I want to eat Carbonara tonight, but won’t it be too greasy if I use tagliatelle? Maybe I should just go for penne. But penne are so small! I sighed as I took a step back and continued to think of which one to choose, playing with the bottle of wine in my hands. I was so lost in thought that I almost didn’t notice the guy slowly inching closer and closer, eyes focused on the products that were displayed on the shelf. If I wouldn’t have stepped back when I did, he definitely would’ve crushed my toes.

“Oh” He whispered at my sudden movement, eyes widening. My lips formed a thin line as I looked at him wordlessly, “Sorry, I didn’t see you there”

“Yeah, I figured” I mumbled as I watched from the corner of my eye as he bowed his head a little bit. He had light brown hair and it was falling all over his forehead in little waves. I ignored the stranger as I looked back at the different types of pasta and just sighed. But my sigh was louder than I expected, in fact, I realized, the stranger looked just as defeated as I felt. Hearing my sigh caught his attention as I saw him glancing at me from the corner of his eyes.

“You have trouble choosing one?” I found myself asking as I glanced at the stranger again from the corner of my eye. He was quick to look away, but his slightly pink cheeks indicated the fact that he knew I caught him staring.

“Yeah!” The guy chuckled, his voice light and melodic. It carried a warmness that unwillingly brought a smile to my lips.

“You’ve been standing here for longer than me, though” He spoke up again, an amused smile crossing his lips as he looked at me, “You must be more troubled”

“Yeah!” I nodded, finally facing him fully. His eyes were big and I felt like he was smiling at me just with his eyes, as his lips now were in a pout. He was dressed casually and I couldn’t help but laugh when his outfit registered in my mind. His eyes widened a bit as he looked at me and I quickly shook my head.

“Nothing’s funny—I mean, I’m not laughing at you!” I quickly said before he could misunderstand furthermore, “Your outfit, it’s just—before I left my apartment, I thought how hideous I look wearing sweatpants with a coat.”

The handsome stranger looked down at his outfit and then back at me, his eyes wide again, “I know, right?! My friend would be horrified if he saw me dressed like this!”

I giggled and nodded my head quickly, realizing Yerim would’ve skinned me alive, “Mine wouldn’t have appreciated it either”

“Oh?” He raised an eyebrow and I almost choked when I realized the sudden warmness on my cheeks was me blushing. Since when do I speak to strangers? Wait, no, since when does a stranger make me blush by such little action? Well, I can’t blame myself too much, this stranger is really eye catching. He’s handsome, I mean, really, handsome.

“So…did you decide yet on what pasta you want?” He cleared his throat as he looked away sheepishly, and I wanted to think it was because he saw my blush and became shy. This stranger wasn’t just handsome, he was actually really cute. And it’s weird how his voice solely made me feel safe, I don’t even know him. But something about his whole demeanor screams safety and lots of warmness. I can imagine what a day would feel like with him. Lots of giggles and laughter, and good time spent well together.

“I don’t understand why there’s so many types. Wasn’t one enough? Why do I have to choose one? What’s their purpose?” The stranger started laughing as I sulkily stared at the shelf, glaring at the pasta. Suddenly something warm spread through my chest hearing his laughter again, and I blushed, again.

“Well, if it helps, I don’t know either, but I choose penne” He stepped forward and grabbed a pack of penne before turning around to face me.

“I think I’m going with the same choice…” I muttered as I followed his previous actions and turned to face him once I had the pack in my right hand, left holding the wine. I made sure to leave a respectable amount of space between us, even though I wouldn’t have minded being a bit closer to him. He had an innocent sort of lure that was getting harder to ignore.

“I’m Joshua.” After a few seconds of silence, the stranger, Joshua, spoke up. His name rolled down effortlessly his tongue, articulating the name with a perfect American accent. I blushed and I almost slapped my own cheek in front of this handsome man—Joshua.

“I’m Y/N,” I squeaked out once I realized I stayed quiet for too long, “Uhm—your name it’s—uh…you’re a foreigner?”

I wanted to dig my own grave as I stuttered over my own words, my cheeks becoming warmer as a sweet smile appeared on Joshua’s lips. Many would have been amused by my reaction, but he looked understanding, like he wasn’t bothered by me asking.

“Sort of,” He started explaining and I raised my eyebrows at his answer, “I grew up in LA, but I moved back when I was around ten years old”

“Oh,” I nodded in understanding and Joshua scratched the back of his neck, “Explains the subtle accent”

He chuckled and now it was his turn to blush and I had to bite my lip to not smile so widely, “Yeah, well—you could call me Jisoo too. But I might not react to that name…”

“I think Joshua fits you, it’s a pretty name” A pretty name for a pretty boy, I almost continued aloud, feeling just as flustered as Joshua looked.

“Thank you” He mumbled quietly and I cleared my throat and motioned for us to start walking.

“You live in the neighborhood?” I asked as we walked towards the cashier.

“No, but my friend does” Joshua answered with a shake of his head and I hummed, glancing at him again. He was attention capturing, my thoughts were suddenly silenced. I was only focused on him, a sudden calmness overtaking me, calmness I haven’t felt in long. Even the hollowness in my chest felt subsided. And he’s just a stranger, he made me feel like that in the ten minutes we interacted. Could he make me feel more if we were to spend more time together? With the sudden surge of confidence and curiosity, I opened my mouth to speak up again.

“Do you want to exchange phone numbers?” Joshua stopped walking and he turned to look at me shocked. I examined his face to see if I made him uncomfortable, but he only looked surprised, “It’s fine if you don’t want to, Joshua”

“No! I actually want to!” He quickly spoke up and fished his phone out of his pocket at lightning speed. I smiled and took it in my hands, his phone unlocked already, as I went to his contacts to type in my number.

“I left my phone at home so you’ll have to text me first” I said with a wink as I handed his phone back after I saved my number, “I really hope you’ll text me…”

Joshua giggled as he quickly worked something on his phone, his fingers working fast before he was showing the phone’s screen to me.

To Y/N: Hi, this is Joshua. I promise I’m not a creep, can you promise me the same thing?

I laughed quietly as I nodded my head when Joshua put his phone away, “I can promise you that I’m not a creep.”

“Good.” He grinned and placed his items on the counter, “As much as I’d like to spend some more time with you right now, Minghao isn’t a very patient person, and we are hungry too”

“Oh, yes, sure! Wouldn’t want to hold you back from having dinner” I placed my own items on the counter as Joshua paid for his purchase. The cashier scanned my wine and penne before she placed the items in a bag.

“I hope you’ll answer my text, I’m not very patient when it comes to texting…” Joshua said in a teasing manner as he held the door open for me, we walked out together after I paid.

“Give me five minutes” I chuckled as we stopped in front of the shop, shivering as the cold breeze passed underneath our coats.

“I’ll give you ten” Joshua smiled a bit and I chuckled before biding him goodbye and quickly hurrying home. I wasn’t even that hungry anymore, I just wanted to talk to Joshua. I was giddy and breathless by the time I made it up to my apartment, having ran up seven flight of stairs. It felt like all my worries were gone as I looked forward to texting Joshua, a good feeling spreading through my body.

        It only took us two days to agree on going on a date. It was the fastest someone has taken me out on a date after getting to know me. But during those two days, Saturday and Sunday, I felt like I’ve known Joshua for my whole life. He was really funny, in a very innocent way meanwhile Soonyoung’s energy always drained me. However, Joshua, he knew how to balance out being serious but funny at the same time. Sometimes he would make snarky comments and I didn’t fail to notice his mischievous nature. He liked to play pranks on his friends, I found out after he told me a story of him pranking his two friends at work. His boss wasn’t very impressed with Joshua but he likes him too much to fire him for such petty thing, and it was April 1st. Joshua worked as a banker in the city center, half an hour away from my own office. He likes to take long walks in his free time, he likes going on little trips in the country, rides his bicycle every Saturday in the forest on the outskirts of the city, he likes playing the guitar and watching movies when he’s feeling stressed. We agreed on doing a movie night the next time he gets stressed. I felt like a high school girl when talking to Joshua. My heart would start beating faster every time my phone alerted me that I had a new message and I would be really disappointed when it was just a simple notification and not Joshua texting me. However, he did keep his word about being an impatient texter. He really didn’t make me wait with his replies and if he was busy, he’d tell me, so that I knew why he wasn’t able to answer me right away. On Friday, the day we met in the shop, we stayed up until 3 am texting. I would burst out laughing every five minutes, maybe it was from the wine in my system, but everything Joshua said that night seemed to be overly funny. He told me he’s never seen someone looking so serious while shopping for pasta, neither did he think someone would get frustrated over such topic: ‘why are there so many types’. My cheeks flared up when he confessed telling his friend, Minghao, that he took so long to arrive back to his apartment because he was talking to a chick who was angry at pasta. He also said, Minghao’s words, “that he can’t believe Joshua was able to pick up a girl looking dressed like that”. I had to agree with Minghao and Joshua feigned hurt for a good ten minutes, ten minutes that I wouldn’t stop laughing because wasn’t Minghao right? Even I thought we looked ridiculous dressed like that. It was hard to put my phone aside and focus on my work, work that I tried pushing to the back of my mind, because it reminded me of Soonyoung. And Joshua made me feel so good and happy, that even the thought of thinking of Soonyoung infuriated me. I didn’t want to see him or think of him, I didn’t want the hollowness in my chest to return, the frustrating thoughts and wondering of what could have been, I wanted peace and happiness. Joshua offered me those and I tried to focus on them while working, even if it was hard. Soonyoung hasn’t texted me for three days now, and I would lie if I said I didn’t hope he’d do it. I missed him, again, and I missed him badly. I wanted to cuddle up next to him in bed and whine about the horrible color choices the bride and groom made. That I couldn’t handle this task without him, that I could barely handle myself without him. But I refused to do that, I realized it was unhealthy and I realized Soonyoung truly does see me as his best friend and I’m ruining the friendship we tried so badly to restore once we met again at work. I was selfish for ignoring him, but I couldn’t think of any other coping way. His words still hurt me, his words like poison to my heart. But Joshua…he made it all go away. He pulled me in and made me think of the present only and the feelings he was giving me. No Soonyoung, no pain. That’s why I decided Joshua deserved a chance, I deserved a chance. Soonyoung was happy, then why wouldn’t I be too? Why limit myself to a man who didn’t see me the way I see him? It was time to mature and move on.

My smile spread from ear to ear as I read the text from Joshua, ‘Good morning, cutie ^^’, while I brushed my teeth. I slept well last night but now my stomach wouldn’t stop grumbling. And it wasn’t because I didn’t have breakfast yet, it was because in an hour I’d be on a date with Joshua. Our very first date, and hopefully there is many more to come. I quickly sent back a good morning text and did my morning routine. Once I was dressed in a nice dark green, form fitting, dress that reached my ankles, I grabbed my purse and folder that I needed for later for the meeting. My red high heels clicked loudly as I descended the stairs, I might hate elevators because they kind of make me feel claustrophobic. I quickly got into my car once I got outside, shivering at the cold morning breeze. Joshua had a tight schedule this week and so did I, it was my own fault really for postponing the meeting with Soonyoung for so long, so we agreed on having a breakfast date at the coffee shop that’s closest to both of our workplaces. The car ride to the coffee shop didn’t take as long as I expected, today’s traffic wasn’t so bad, that was a first. So, I got there earlier and decided to wait in front of the coffee shop, but to my surprise, Joshua was already waiting at the front entrance. I quickly hurried up and hearing my high heels, Joshua turned towards me and smiled. A wide smile appeared on my own lips as I stopped in front of him, cheeks warming up when he pulled me in a short but warm hug. We greeted each other shyly and Joshua opened the door for me, both of us shivering once we were inside and enveloped in warmness.

“What would you like?” Joshua’s eyebrows rose as he turned towards me.

“One tall Caramel Macchiato and a croissant sandwich.” I answered and Joshua nodded before walking to the front counter. I looked around and chose a seat that was next to the wall, a pretty painting of flowers hung above the table. There weren’t many people in the shop right now as it was early and most people were already at work, thankfully, our schedules started later on the day. We had two hours before we had to head to work.

“Here” Joshua whispered more to himself as he placed down a tray in front of me, my order on it. I thanked him and helped him with his own tray, taking it from him and placing it on the table as he took his coat off and hung it on the hanger behind our table. I quickly followed his actions and took off my own coat, hanging it next to his.

“Do you plan on telling me how much my order was?” I asked with a smile as Joshua chuckled and shook his head, “Okay, I’ll just look at the menu on our way out and pay you back before we part ways”

“Oh, come on, Y/N!” Joshua giggled as he leaned back in his chair, his warm brown eyes connecting with mine, “It’s our first date. Next time I’ll let you pay for both of us”

“Only if on the third date we get to split evenly” I pointed a playful finger at him and a big smile spread on his lips, which he tried to hide by drinking from his drink. It was Caramel Macchiato, good choice.

“I really like the idea of a third date…” He trailed off and I bit my lower lip, looking down at my food.

“To be honest, I haven’t been on a date in ages, so I might be a bit rusty at it” I admitted and giggled a bit, feeling embarrassed. I was too wrapped up in Soonyoung to go on dates, or to even think about someone else. Apparently, he wasn’t.

“Don’t worry, so far so good” I gave Joshua a pointed look and he shrugged his shoulders, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“We’ve been together for like…fifteen minutes?” I glanced down at my wrist watch, “I don’t think I had the time to fuck up yet”

“Yeah, about that…” Joshua’s lips pulled up in a thin line and I raised my eyebrows.

“Now you made me curious, tell me all about it”

“Uh, maybe it’s not a first date kind of subject to talk about—”

“No, no, you really have to tell me Joshua, or I’ll nag you forever about it” I smacked my lips in a tight line and Joshua sighed before clearing his throat. He sat up tighter and his sudden serious demeanor took me by surprise, but when his lips quivered, I realized he was joking around and I gave him a small glare.

“Right, so…I went on a date with a girl, like…two years ago?” His eyes narrowed as he thought for a second, but then continued on with his story, “And like…I offered to pick her up and drive her to the cinema, we were having a movie date, and then while we are in the car, she turns pale and stops talking to me”

“Oh, your breath must have smelled really bad, dude…” I muttered, interrupting Joshua, and he threw me a warning glare. I started giggling and quickly bit into my croissant to muffle the sound as Joshua just shook his head.

“That really wasn’t the case, Y/N, I was literally chewing on the strongest gum out there—”

“If it’s Orbit, it really isn’t the strongest one, Shua” I interrupted once again and he wanted to glare at me, but his lips turned into a smile. My cheeks warmed up realizing that I just gave him a nickname, but he seemed to really enjoy it.

“It was Airwaves Extreme, hon, that thing throws your throat on fire” Just like my cheeks are on fire right now? I gulped down the rest of the croissant that was in my mouth carefully, trying to ignore the fact that he called me ‘hon’, shit, this is the first date only and I’m already dying? Was I out of the dating life for too long or does Joshua really have this effect on me?

“Anyways, back to the important things—the girl had food poisoning, so I had to drive her to the hospital. She felt bad for our ruined date, and so did I, until I found out she was set up by her younger sister and wasn’t really looking for a new relationship because she was pinning on a different guy already” I gulped a bit harder, eyes locking with Joshua’s. His lips were in a grimace and I hummed quietly, telling myself that I’m not pinning on Soonyoung. I’m getting over him, whatever I felt for him will soon be gone. Gone, because I have Joshua, because I want to try this out with him.

“What about the tickets…” I mumbled and Joshua nodded with a solemn look on his face.

“Didn’t go to waste, I went to the movie with Jeonghan, the co-worker I pranked” I giggled remembering the story he told me on Friday and wiped my mouth with a tissue before speaking.

“I still can’t believe you poured glitter all over his desk and his suit!” Joshua started laughing, his chest moving up and down by the force of it and I grinned, once again, from ear to ear.

“He looked good with the pink glitter though” He said with a grin once his laughter died down and I hummed, biting into my sandwich again.

“Are you not going to eat your breakfast?” I asked as I glanced down at his plate, two toasts sitting untouched.

“We’ve still got time, right?” He raised an eyebrow and I nodded as I glanced at my watch. Half an hour has already passed, but we still had time, indeed.

“I feel like I did all the talking…” He trailed off, playing with his tissue, “Like, I told you a lot about myself. Not that you didn’t tell me about your hobbies or something, but, you didn’t really talk about your childhood or friends…”

I hummed and took a sip of my drink, clearing my throat before speaking up, “Well, because I consider myself a boring person? I mean, compared to your filled childhood, mine sounds so boring. So, I didn’t want to like…bore you with mine, you know…”

“If I found you boring, Y/N, I wouldn’t have stayed up until 3 am or texted you daily or asked you on this date or would’ve thought about the other many dates that I’d like to go on with you” Joshua spoke with passion and a serious voice, making my heart beat quicken. He really wanted to hear my story, to get to know me. He was curious of who I used to be before I blossomed into the person I am today. I forgot, how it works when you meet someone new. When Soonyoung and I reconciled, I didn’t have to tell him everything about my life, I just had to fill in the gaps of the time he wasn’t part of my life, he already knew the rest about me. But Joshua is someone new, someone who doesn’t know, someone who doesn’t know my past self. He wants to know me more, to discover me and create a future with me.

“Where do I start…” I sighed as I glanced at the beautiful painting before looking back at Joshua, “I’m an only child, I was well off while growing up but we did struggle from time to time. My mother owns a restaurant and my father is a taxi driver. I’m usually late to everything, it’s a bad habit my father passed down on me. I went to college in my hometown because we couldn’t afford me going to a prestigious one, but that’s okay. I’m doing my dream job now, it all turned out well in the end. I don’t really have friends, if I’m being honest, I already told you I was never bothered being on my own. Being alone isn’t something that scares me, it gives me comfort rather.”

Joshua listened to me closely and nodded his head every once and then, a warm and understanding smile on his lips, “Come on, you must have had at least one friend…”

“Well,” I chuckled and tried to keep a neutral expression while thinking about Soonyoung, “I guess I accidentally did end up making a friend. We met back in high school, but during college we drifted apart because he transferred to a better college. And because the world is so small…we met at work again, became co-workers, so we reconciled. He’s known me for the longest. I guess I could call Yerim a friend too but…you know, I don’t feel her close to me like I do with…Soonyoung”

Joshua studied my expression and he nodded while blinking, lips jutted out a bit, “So…it’s a he, huh?”

I shrugged and took a sip of my Caramel Macchiato, “He ran into me in the hallway when we were both late to class…that definitely wasn’t the last time we were late to somewhere”

Joshua chuckled and nodded his head, a charming smile directed at me. I bit my lower lip, suddenly feeling shy under his intense gaze. It felt like he was looking straight into my soul and I took my time to shamelessly check him out. He was wearing a dark brown suit, a white shirt underneath and no tie on. He looked very official, all buttons done, unlike Soonyoung. He was always showing his collarbones off, a necklace on from time to time and, of course, his rings. Soonyoung never left the house without his rings. Joshua was his opposite. He wore no jewelry, and as attractive as I found men wearing rings and necklaces, I found Joshua even more attractive with his put together and elegant look. His hair was still messy, however, falling in his eyes in waves and I thought it looked even more attractive now with his current outfit.

“I think I could get used to mornings like this one…” Joshua spoke quietly, smile now turned fond and I let out a small sigh of air, “You look really beautiful”

“Thank you,” His words were so innocent and genuine, unlike the filthy words Soonyoung would whisper in my ear while we were at work, “I knew men in suits were attractive, but you took it to a whole another level”

Joshua burst out laughing and I followed him, feeling light and warm. My cheeks would hurt by the end of this date, that’s how much I smile because of Joshua. My skin tingled and my heart quickened every time I took a sneaky glance at him and I realized, it took him two days to make me like him. And I didn’t just like him, oh no, I liked him very much. But maybe it was attraction at first sight, something that I haven’t felt before. Not even with Soonyoung. This feeling was brand new and reserved for Joshua only. Finally, something that Soonyoung couldn’t rob me off.

“You should eat your toast, Shua, because I know if you won’t, I sure will” I said with a shrug and Joshua shook his head before finally taking one toast and biting into it. I smiled at him contently and sipped my drink, feeling genuinely happy for the first time in two weeks.

Our date came to an end sadly and we left the coffee shop half an hour before we’d have to start working. Joshua didn’t have a ride because Minghao offered him one, apparently, he slept over at his apartment, so I offered to drive Joshua to his workplace and save him from freezing to death. We walked to the parking lot and I unlocked my car when we were a few feet away and my eyes widened when Joshua sat in the driver’s seat. I stopped walking and gazed curiously at the passenger door as it was opened from the inside.

“Get in, hon, I’m driving today” I couldn’t help but laugh as I finally sat inside, turning towards Joshua amused.

“What are you doing, Shua?” I asked airily, unable to stop laughing.

“I would’ve opened the door for you before getting inside, but I have a feeling you would have refused, so…I took matters in my hands and I’ll be driving you to work!” He clapped his hands together once, excitedly, before he reached for his seatbelt. I was still laughing as I buckled in my own and opened my palm so that he could take the car keys. When his long fingers brushed against the skin of my palm, something that felt like slight electricity traveled up my arm all the way to my chest. This was new, I’ve never experienced this before. Not even the first time Soonyoung touched me in a sensual way. Joshua must have felt it too when his eyes lingered on my palm, and I bit my lip and turned away to look out the window as he started my car, engine roaring to life.

“You’ll be cold by the time you arrive to the Bank” I tried to convince Joshua while we were still in the parking lot, “It’s a twenty-minute-long walk. What if you get a flu? We’ll have to postpone our second date and maybe I’ll have to come over and nurse you—”

“If I get you to come over by getting sick, I will catch a flu on purpose” I tsked and lightly punched his thigh as we were in traffic and not in the parking lot anymore, aiming for his arm would be dangerous.

“I will come over some time, idiot, don’t catch a flu—”

“Oh, good.” He grinned as we stopped at a red light, turning his head towards me, “Calling me an idiot on the first date?”

I instantly blushed, my whole face going red probably, “Sorry, that was inappropriate”

Joshua just chuckled, driving past the traffic light as it turned green, a smirk on his handsome face, “I see you’re getting comfortable around me, we love to see it”

“Joshua…” I muttered quietly, throwing him a glare that I knew he could see from the corner of his eyes. His smirk turned into a wide smile and I sighed as I looked out the window, fighting my own smile to act like I was sulking.

“Don’t worry, I called Jeonghan to pick me up while you were in the restroom” Joshua spoke in a reassuring, warm, voice and I turned towards him again, gaping a bit.

“You, Hong Joshua Jisoo, are something” I huffed out, “First, your friend drives you to your date, then you steal your date’s car and drive her to work, but then your co-worker picks you up!”

“What can I say,” Joshua turned his head just a bit, enough for me to see the sneaky smirk, to glance at me, “I have good connections and I can be very persuasive”

“Mhm” I hummed with a grimace and he just laughed, slowing the car as he turned on the street that led behind the building I worked in. He turned into the parking lot and parked my car nicely, turning the engine off. We undid our seatbelts and Joshua gave me the keys. I was reaching for the door handle but Joshua’s hand on my left hand stopped me from doing so.

“Not to sound cocky, but I think you had a great time with me and I felt amazing for the past two hours, so…that second date is set then?” I grinned at Joshua and nodded my head.

“We go cycling on Wednesday, yes?” Joshua nodded his head, his hand still on mine. My heart started beating quickly again and I glanced down at our hands before squeezing his fingers lightly. When I looked back up at him, his smile was replaced with a contemplating look and I gulped, hoping he’d lean in and kiss me. Peck me on the cheek or give me an actual kiss, I didn’t care as long as his lips touched my face.

“Cycling on Wednesday because you are busy on Saturday, that’s right.” Joshua spoke quietly, eyes on my lips and I just wanted to lean in and kiss him, but decided to ground myself, “See? I’m even changing my habits for you”

“Which is good in case a serial killer was following you and figured out your habit, Joshua” Maybe that sentence was a mood killer, because Joshua laughed and stopped looking at my lips. I really shouldn’t have said that, but I couldn’t help myself. I knew he wouldn’t judge me, so everything that ran through my mind had to be voiced. With Soonyoung, that simple sentence definitely would’ve been a mood killer. He would’ve whined about me being weird and ruining the mood with stupid remarks, but Joshua didn’t do that. No, he actually leaned in and pressed his red lips against mine. His were soft and a bit cold as I pressed my lips back, closing my eyes and enjoying the way my heart was about to explode, the blush on my cheeks and the tingling of my skin. The kiss only lasted for a minute but it was enough, I didn’t want it to last longer. It felt loving and reassuring. It wasn’t desperate and demanding, like the kisses I was used to receiving from Soonyoung. This kiss felt like it said ‘we’ve got all the time in the world, let’s take it slow’, and I liked slow. I liked the process and the freedom I felt still.

“Go inside before you are late, again, Y/N” Joshua spoke sweetly, patting my hand before opening his door. I nodded to myself, he’s not wrong, and opened my door, getting out. Once the car was locked Joshua walked me to the front of the building and looked up at it, squinting.

“Have a good day, don’t forget to text me when you have time.” He winked at me and I rolled my eyes.

“I’m afraid I was too lazy and I really won’t have time to text you that much, maybe in the evening. You can still leave me messages, I’ll look at them when I have time!” Joshua hummed and nodded before patting down my hair.

“It was a bit ruffled…” He muttered and I smiled knowingly at him. Sure, it was, Joshua.

“Hey, yo!” Suddenly a shrill voice caught our attention and Joshua groaned, “Bro, you have exactly ten seconds to get in the car before I leave you here!”

Joshua closed his eyes in exasperation and I laughed as I pushed him forward, “Go, talk to you later!”

Joshua waved and winked as he jogged towards his friend’s parked car, Jeonghan I assume, his car was blocking the traffic and cars were already honking behind him.

“I’m going, I’m going!” Jeonghan shouted, his window still down, as he looked back at me, “Nice to meet you, pretty lady! Next time Joshua can introduce us formally, but we’ve got to go before these monsters cuss me out!”

“Bye!” I laughed and waved as Joshua rolled the window up, cheeks flushed as he shook his head at me, and Jeonghan took off, lips moving quickly as he spoke to Joshua. With a smile on my face, and carefree, I walked inside the building feeling proud that I wasn’t late today.

        My happiness didn’t last for long, as I was expecting it already. Everything went well until Soonyoung and I finally met up for the meeting in my office. I had all plans and sketches laid out on my table, all ready before Soonyoung came, so that we wouldn’t waste time on that as well. We were on a tight schedule and two weeks went by without us doing much, which was really my fault. But that meant that right now we had to move fast and decide what we wanted so that we could order everything for the reception and be ready on time. My stomach was making sounds the closer the time of the meeting came and I blamed it on the little breakfast I had, but I knew it was because of Soonyoung. I wasn’t ready to face him, not after the amazing morning I had with Joshua. I wanted to stay relaxed and cheerful, but I knew upon seeing Soonyoung I would turn moody and irritated. Seeing him would only make me miss him more, something I didn’t need right now. A knock on my door made me jump and I straightened up in my seat before calling out for the person that it was okay to enter. The door opened and in walked Soonyoung, looking just as flawless as always. He was still wearing his black suit, upper buttons of his white shirt undone and rings on his fingers. My eyes focused on the pendant hanging around his neck, realizing it was the one I bought him two years ago when we went on a vacation in Jeju. I gulped and focused my eyes on his face, trying to give him a genuine smile.

“Good morning,” He greeted quietly as he shuffled around, frowning down at the papers in his hands. I bit my lip and stopped myself before I could sigh, I really missed hearing his voice. I’ve been doing my best to ignore him and I was succeeding at it way too well.

“Good morning,” I greeted back once I found my voice, Soonyoung now was seated across from me, all papers placed down on the table.

“Fancy seeing you finally decided to meet up.” His voice was bitter and I rolled my eyes as I looked down at his sketches, refusing to make eye contact with him even though he was searching for my gaze intently.

“Yeah, I was really undecided about this project…” I muttered, reaching across my table and taking Soonyoung’s sketches into my hands. He mimicked my actions and did the same thing, my sketches in his hands. I hummed quietly as my eyes ran over the drawings Soonyoung made, reading the descriptions on the backs of them. He had good ideas and I liked them more than the ones I chose. However, his location choices didn’t fit well with the theme the bride and groom wanted. I was so lost in thought that I almost missed Soonyoung gazing intently at me, almost.

“What?” I snapped before I could control myself, eyes falling on him. He was chewing the inside of his mouth and just shrugged before he looked back down at the sketches.

“Nothing…” He muttered but looked back at me, sending the butterflies in a frenzy in my stomach, “Just missed you, I guess. And you look amazing today”

I gulped and ignored the way my body reacted to his words, the want to walk up to him and embrace him powerful, “Thanks. You look the same as always”

Soonyoung chuckled and sent me a smirk, one I decided to ignore, before he placed one sketch back on the table.

“I like this design, it looks good” He said, pointing at the paper and I nodded as I placed all of his sketches on the table.

“The locations you chose aren’t very fitting, Soonyoung, it doesn’t go well with the theme” I decided to be direct with him, the faster we get over this the better. I really want to text Joshua right now. And as if he’s a mind reader, my phone pinged, signaling I just got a message from him. Soonyoung’s eyebrows furrowed as he looked at me confused.

“Why are they not good? They want something water themed so I looked over all the locations they could afford and those are the only decent ones” He said, voice a bit aggressive, as he looked at me. It wasn’t like this was the first time we disagreed on something for work, but he never got hot headed about it.

“I get it, but they are either too small for all the people they invited to fit inside or not next to an actual water” I explained as my phone pinged again, and I bit my lip to hide my smile. Joshua must be having his lunch break right now. Which just reminds me of how hungry I am right now.

“You can’t have everything” Soonyoung shrugged nonchalantly, eyes falling on my phone when it made another sound, “They either give up on a few people or raise their budget where I can find them an actual place that has it all”

I threw him a glare before looking back down at the sketches, choosing one that could work out, “Yeah, well, it’s a bit too late to tell them we can’t find a suitable place. We have to make it work”

“Well, who’s fault is it, huh?” My eyes snapped back up, focusing on Soonyoung, who was glaring at me. I scoffed and shook my head before pushing the sketches towards him.

“I’m sorry I have a life that doesn’t revolve around you and work only! I had other things to take care of, besides, it’s not like you can’t do this without me!” My voice raised a few octaves and Soonyoung’s eyes narrowed at me as he leaned forward, challenging me with his gaze.

“We are partners for a reason, Y/N, I can’t choose a place without you matching the décor to it” He snapped back, voice leveled, but the way he was clenching his jaw gave away his anger.

“Stop making excuses and find a place! Or do I have to do that as well?!” I stood up from my chair, realizing this meeting really wasn’t going the way I wanted it to go. Now I was just screaming at him and letting my frustrations out because he has a girlfriend and I’m in love with him. It’s not really his fault he couldn’t find a bigger and better place, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to scream at him, to make him feel like I felt the day he told me he was seeing someone. I knew it wasn’t a reasonable reason nor a nice thing to do, but I had to let it out.

“What the fuck!” Soonyoung was on his feet in an instant, eyes glaring at me as he slammed one hand down, “Don’t make this sound like I always fuck up or something! If you didn’t ignore me for two fucking weeks this wouldn’t be an issue right now—”

“I wasn’t ignoring you—”

“Oh, fuck off!” Soonyoung rolled his eyes as silence enveloped us. I fisted my palms and willed myself to take deep breaths and think logically before I said something that could ruin the last thin thread our friendship was hanging on. But then my phone pinged again, twice this time, and Soonyoung’s eyes snapped towards it.

“Can’t you turn the fucking phone off?” I glared at him and took the phone off the table and threw it in my purse, which was by the foot of my table.

“Don’t tell me what to do!” I argued and Soonyoung rolled his eyes before crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“Why are you ignoring me?” The way he was looking at me left no room for denial. I knew he knew what I was doing, and he also knew he was right. He caught me red handed and I didn’t have a good enough excuse this time. So, I didn’t think much before I answered him.

“Because I can.” Soonyoung laughed humorlessly before he stalked towards me, making me glare at him.

“You can’t just ignore me. We are friends. You stopped talking to me ever since I told you I have a girlfriend as if it’s the end of the fucking world—” He stopped talking abruptly, standing just a foot away from me. We looked into each other’s eyes and Soonyoung gulped. It was clear that he finally realized what was the reason and I didn’t care anymore. If this was the way he found out I had feelings for him, so be it. Now, I’m working on getting over him so I don’t care anymore. I have Joshua, someone who makes me feel like no one has done it before. And I want to make it work.

“Yeah, well, it was the end of the fucking world for me, Soonyoung. But don’t worry, it’s not like you should have at least warned the person you were fucking regularly that you might be seeing someone” I huffed and smiled at him bitterly, watching as his face became expressionless. Of course, classic Soonyoung, act like nothing is happening in the middle of something serious.

“I didn’t have time to—”

“I don’t give a fuck about your excuses!” I snapped and pointed a finger at him, “Get out of my office and find a fucking place by tonight for the reception. If you don’t, I’ll work with Chan on this reception and cut you from it. It’s not like we are actual partners, I can work with whomever I want.”

Soonyoung’s jaw clenched more and he raised a hand, about to grab me, but quickly put it down by his side and went to gather his sketches.

“Two weeks of no dick turned you into a real fucking bitch” His sneer was malicious, he wanted to hurt me, to remind me I could no longer have him. And I was surprised when I started laughing, finding his words amusing. He was wrong, not getting dicked down for two weeks felt like a fresh breath of air. I didn’t realize how stressed it made me feel when he’d come over daily. Most of the time I wasn’t even in the mood but decided to go along with him because I knew afterward, I could be close to him, at least until one of us left.

“What makes you think you are the only one who could give me dick, Soonyoung?” I laughed and watched as his expression morphed into furry, his eyes traveling to my bag. Oh, this is amazing. He might think that’s my booty call and that just makes this situation even more hilarious.

“Yeah, so…maybe you should start working, unless you want Chan to be the one getting paid” I smiled sweetly at my friend and he threw me a glare that could kill before turning around and storming out of my office, slamming the door after him. But I wasn’t feeling better than he was looking, so I fished out my phone and distracted myself by answering Joshua.

       The chill music played lowly in the background as my finger hovered over the ‘send’ button. Soonyoung never contacted me with the new sketch, so I assumed he wouldn’t do it. I mean, it’s almost 12:00 pm, if he didn’t do it by now, he won’t do it. Chan is someone who I know I can trust, we’ve worked together before when Soonyoung was away, and he works fast and neat. But I didn’t know what to do, Joshua said I should wait until tomorrow and work it out at the office. I didn’t tell him the co-worker I fought with is my friend, Soonyoung, because I’m not ready to tell Joshua yet about the relationship I had with him and how I feel about Soonyoung. We haven’t even gone on our second date, which is in two days, I don’t want to ruin it. But even with Joshua’s reassuring words that I’ll work things out tomorrow, I couldn’t help but feel anxious. I have never neglected my work before and Mrs. Choi relied on me a lot, I was nervous I’d fail for the first time and I wasn’t ready to face the consequences for my childish acts. If the jiggling of keys wouldn’t have distracted me, I would have sent the message to Chan. But my eyebrows furrowed when a key was pushed into the lock of my door from the outside, after the person missed for the fourth time, and I stood up alerted from the counter. What is he doing here at this hour? I rushed to my front door, ready to lock it again before the person could enter, but I was a few seconds late because by the time I got there, it was already being pushed open.

“Y/N!” A raspy voice slurred and my eyebrows furrowed when my eyes fell on Soonyoung and saw the state he was in. His jacket was barely on him, white shirt even more undone than the last time I saw him today, his whole chest on display.

“What the hell are you doing!” I exclaimed when Soonyoung literally fell through my door, I quickly caught him before he could hit the floor.

“Y/N!” He slurred again and I was being pulled into Soonyoung, his face buried in my neck, arms sneaking around my waist. The air left my lungs at the sudden contact, heart beating at a mile. I was frozen as I gulped down the sudden feelings ignited inside my body and pushed closed the front door, locking it.

“What are you doing here?” I whispered, more to myself, as I bit my lips and gave in. My arms went around Soonyoung’s torso and I sighed as I closed my eyes. I missed him so much, his warmth and his scent. His body felt like heaven right now, to be hugging him, it was like something broke inside my stomach as I allowed myself to melt into Soonyoung for a few seconds longer. I knew this was wrong, but I couldn’t help it. I missed him so much.

“Y/N…” Soonyoung sighed into my neck, the hairs rising on arms, as he tried to stand up straight by me supporting his weight.

“You’re so drunk, Soonyoung…” I sighed as I ran a hand through his black hair, pushing it out of his eyes. The alcohol was so strong that it almost filled my nose as I put a little distance between our bodies, “Take your shoes off”

Soonyoung nodded wordlessly and while holding onto me, he pushed his shoes off clumsily, giggling when he lost his balance for a second, making me gasp as I had to catch him once again.

“Stop being silly, Soonyoung.” I scolded him as I rested one of his arms around my shoulders and walked him further inside my apartment, towards the sofa in the living room.

“I’m so shitfaced, Y/N!” He giggled again as he spoke, his words slurring even more and I shook my head with a sigh.

“You don’t say…” I helped him sit on the sofa, and he just fell on it, giggling again when he bounced a bit on the mattress.

“Stay here, I’ll bring you water” I pointed a finger at him, his small eyes narrowed as he looked up at me through hooded eyes, a lazy grin on his lips. I narrowed my eyes at him and Soonyoung shrugged before nodding once, signaling he understood. I went to the kitchen and grabbed a glass to fill it with water. What am I doing? Should I even nurse him? Why did he even come over? He should have gone home or to his girlfriend, why is he here, with me? I wanted to send him home after making him drink water, but I just couldn’t. He’s so drunk he can barely stand; I’m amazed he even got here.

After he drank his water, we stayed quiet. I placed the glass in the sink and went back to the living room, sitting on the little coffee table, to face him. Soonyoung’s lips were jutted out as he continued looking at his fingers, playing with them. Suddenly, a buzzing sound caught our attention and Soonyoung lazily reached inside his pocket and pulled out his phone. His eyebrows furrowed as he brought the phone closer to his face, mouthing the name of the caller. He looked more and more confused as seconds went by so I took the phone out of his hands. It said ‘babe’. My eyes went back to him as I held the ringing phone in my hands, not bothering to pick up.

“I should answer that…” Soonyoung trailed off, eyebrows furrowed as he reached forward, totally missing the direction I was sat in, “She’ll kill me tomorrow if I don’t…”

“I’ll let her know, okay? You don’t have to answer the phone right now.” I pushed him by his exposed chest to sit him down, he rose to take the phone from me, but his hand gripped mine against his chest, “I’ll—I’ll tell her, don’t worry.”

I gulped as Soonyoung ignored everything I was saying, his half-opened eyes focused on my hand against his exposed chest. His warm hand was pressing it against his heart and I didn’t have the power in me to pull away, not yet. So, I just gulped and unlocked Soonyoung’s phone before dialing a number. It rung five times before it was answered.

“You have three seconds before I hang up on you—”

“Jihoon!”

“Oh—oh, Y/N—” The man on the other end sounded surprised, “Hi!”

“Hey!” I greeted back, my fingers twitching as Soonyoung started playing with them.

“Is everything okay?” I could hear worry seep into Jihoon’s voice, “Why are you calling form Soonyoung’s phone?”

“He’s—very drunk…” I cleared my throat when Soonyoung intertwined his fingers with mine, “I would send him home but he can barely stand on his feet. And I know I just woke you up, which I’m sorry for by the way, so I’m not going to ask you to come and get him. I, however, want to ask you to do me a favor…”

“I mean, if I’m already awake…” Jihoon sighed and I smiled, eye connecting with Soonyoung’s as he looked up from our hands.

“Call his girlfriend and tell her he’s really drunk and had a blackout, please? She keeps calling him” There was silence on the other end before Jihoon groaned, I knew he just rolled his eyes.

“The fucking things I do for that idiot, I swear, and even you!” Jihoon was starting to get angry, and he had a good reason for it, “I get your situation, I really do! But if he’s going to act like that, I won’t cover for him every time—”

“Hey! It’s not like that!” I quickly cut Jihoon off, knowing where his thoughts were taking him, “He’s very drunk, I’m not lying!”

“Jihoon, I love you!” Soonyoung exclaimed loudly, as if to confirm my words, and I squeezed his hand, sending him a glare. My neighbors have kids who are sleeping at this hour!

“Fine, whatever, make sure he doesn’t drown or something—actually, no, let him die.” I chuckled as Jihoon grumbled a goodbye before hanging up on me.

“He loves me, deep down, I know it” Soonyoung sing-singed and gave a harsh tug to my arm, surprising me, as I fell over him. I went rigid as Soonyoung’s hands started roaming my back, tugging me closer into him, until I was straddling his hips, no space between our bodies. I clutched Soonyoung’s phone in my hand tightly, afraid to even breathe.

“I missed you,” He sighed into my neck, head falling on my shoulder, “So, so, so much, Y/N”

I gulped and bit my lip, unable to move yet as I tried to fight my own thoughts. I wanted to melt into him and just cradle him until the sun comes up and he sobers up, but the rational me, the logical me was screaming at me that this is very wrong, we both have someone we care about, Soonyoung more than I. And I won’t start contradicting myself, I refuse to sabotage myself, not this time. So, I gulped down the burning want to just stay like this with Soonyoung, and went to push myself off him. But even when he’s drunk, he has an impeccable force, especially when he’s clinging onto someone.

“You have to let go, Soo.” I spoke softly, knowing he doesn’t react well when he’s drunk and someone is demanding of him. He groaned and gripped onto me even tighter, making me gasp when he pressed an open-mouthed kiss to my neck.

“Soonyoung, please.” I whispered, heart aching. I missed this so much, to be close to him. My time with Joshua was always amazing, he makes me forget about all the suffering I have to go through when I’m alone, and it’s amazing. He makes me feel things I’ve never felt before, not even with Soonyoung, and I think my feelings for Joshua are slowly becoming more and more powerful. I don’t want to lose what I have with him, not when I know Soonyoung will never appreciate me or give me what I need. I braced myself this time and wiggled out of his grasp enough so that I could push his chest back against the sofa. His eyebrows furrowed and he gripped onto my waist as he tried to glare at me.

“You are not going away again.” He muttered, an angry expression crossing his face, and I shook my head. I tried to pry his hands off my waist but he suddenly sat up, our faces very close. So close, his lips were brushing against mine.

“Soonyoung, I can’t—”

“I love you.” The breath was knocked out of my lungs and I paused, eyes wide and heart racing. I searched Soonyoung’s gaze, one he returned feverishly, and I was taken aback by the passion he was showing. He never really shows his genuine feelings, it takes him long time and a lot of coercing for him to open up, even to me. He usually would do it after sex when we’d be laying in bed.

“I—”

“I love you, I really do, Y/N!” His lips started quivering and my own eyes filled with tears as I shook my head. I couldn’t believe he was saying those words to me. Not now, not when I already decided I was over him. Not when I realized I deserved better than him. He can’t offer me what I need, he never would, we just don’t match well. I don’t want to suffer while I’m with him, I’d rather do it alone, I’m already used to that. But I couldn’t help it, he finally said the thing I’ve been wishing to hear for the past year, he loves me.

“I love you too, Soonyoung.” I found myself whispering back and a tear escaped my eye without me realizing. Soonyoung wiped it away, eyes still hazy and mind intoxicated as he leaned his forehead against mine, exhaling deeply. His breath reeked of alcohol but I didn’t care as I closed my eyes and wallowed in the moment. A weight was lifted off my chest, I felt lighter. I wanted to laugh at the feeling, but the dull pain was still there, it didn’t let me actually do it. It was there because it didn’t matter if we loved each other. It was over for us, and Soonyoung won’t even remember this in the morning. He’s too intoxicated.

       After confessing to our feelings, I convinced Soonyoung to go to bed. I lay next to him and traced his face with my fingers delicately, knowing he liked to be caressed, especially when drunk, and that put him to sleep faster. Once I was sure he was asleep, I pulled the covers over him, he changed into a t-shirt he left over a while ago, and left my bedroom. I slept on the couch in the living room, TV on and some horror movie playing, to which I finally fell asleep to. The sun was up high by the time I was up and my heart picked up when I thought I was late to work, but realized I still had two hours. Mrs. Choi had to take care of something so we got to go in later today. As I stretched my hands over my head, back popping, a familiar scent entered my nostrils. I sat up quickly, head spinning a bit as I looked towards the kitchen, a sight I wasn’t expecting greeting me.

“Good morning!” Soonyoung called out cheerily when he saw that I was up, a content smile on his lips. My eyebrows furrowed as I threw the cover off my body and stood up, pulling a bit on my shorts, hoping it would cover up more of my thighs.

“What are you doing?” I asked confused, walking over and sitting at the counter. Soonyoung wore clean clothes, he didn’t reek of alcohol anymore, his hair was still wet from the shower he took. The ends of his black hair were already curling up and I smiled a little as I looked at them for longer, I really like his curly hair. He stopped styling it like this a long time ago, always straightening it, it reminded me of our high school days. He looked softer and warmer back then and even now.

“And good morning.” I added as Soonyoung turned around with a grin and glass in his hand, “What’s that?”

“A little morning treat.” He answered casually as he placed the glass in front of me, the scent of cocoa filling my nose. I laughed as I leaned down and inhaled the scent of the hot cocoa.

“Seriously?” Soonyoung nodded grinning and placed the breakfast in front of me, toast with butter and strawberry jam and omelet. I took the fork he handed me and dug into the food, groaning at the taste, “At least you didn’t burn it this time.”

“I’ve become a good cook over the past two weeks…while you were busy ignoring me…” I threw him a glare and he just shrugged as he picked up a toast with butter and strawberry jam and took a bite. I took a longer glance at him, admiring his beauty. Something in his demeanor changed. He looked relaxed and content, happier than usual.

“What?”

“Nothing.” I mumbled as I finished my breakfast and took a sip of my hot cocoa.

“Slept well on the couch?” A teasing grin was on his lips as he raised one eyebrow, knowing damn well how small the couch is and how one person can barely sleep on it.

“No, asshole.” I threw him a glare as I sipped on the hot cocoa.

“You could’ve just slept with me, there’s plenty of space in your bed…” I paused drinking and glanced at him; his eyes curious as he looked at me.

“Yeah, no, thanks,” I rolled my eyes and finished the hot cocoa, “You burp a lot in your sleep when you’re drunk, it’s disgusting.”

Soonyoung started laughing loudly and he gathered my glass and the plate and fork I used and placed it into my sink, putting away the food that we didn’t eat. I placed an arm on the counter and placed my chin in my palm as I watched him move around my kitchen while humming something to himself.

“Was sleeping on my bed so therapeutic or you’re just really that happy because I’m talking to you again?” I raised my eyebrows as Soonyoung shrugged teasingly, walking up to me but keeping a respectable distance. It made me happy to see him so content and happy, but I couldn’t fully brush away the lingering feelings he caused. The want and ache, they were still there. But I felt better about them, like telling him how I felt, lifted a curse. I was finally free, at least it felt like it. A new room was created for Joshua only in my heart and that made me happy.

“I just really missed you.” Soonyoung said seriously, placing an arm on the counter.

“I missed you too.” I confessed with a smile, which quickly fell when Soonyoung leaned forward and pressed his lips against mine. My body instantly reacted to the familiar feeling, tilting my head up for him to have more access, but I caught myself just in time. I quickly pulled away and glared at him, eyebrows furrowed.

“What are you doing!” I demanded angrily, placing a hand on his chest to push him back.

“What do you mean?” His happy demeanor quickly changed; his eyebrows were furrowed too now.

“You have a girlfriend, Soonyoung, if you want to cheat on her go find someone else to do it with!” I snapped and rose from the chair, pointing a finger at him angrily.

“But you love me.” I paused, finger hanging in the air as I bit my lower lip. So, what if he knows? I thought he really wouldn’t remember it, but I don’t care, he knows now and that’s it.

“So, what if I love you?” I scoffed and pushed the finger pointed at him against his chest, “You still have a girlfriend. If you would’ve told me earlier that you loved me, things could’ve turned out differently.”

“What do you mean?” He asked confused as I lowered my finger and ran a hand through my hair.

“I’m over you, or at least trying to be. It doesn’t matter if I love you or not, you are still just my best friend.” Soonyoung’s expression changed in an instant and I didn’t give him time to speak, “I like someone else, a lot. And I want things to work out between him and I, Soonyoung. He treats me right and he likes me as I am. I’m not going to throw away this new chance, like I did a few times before for you. For something you can’t offer me.”

“I can’t offer you what, Y/N?!” He snapped angrily, taking a hold of my jaw, “I know you better than anyone else. I know everything about you, Y/N! What else do you need? I always gave you what you wanted and I was always there for you. You meet this new guy and you’re head over heels for him after a day—”

“Shut up, okay!” I snapped and gripped his wrist, “You don’t know Joshua and you wouldn’t understand! Ever since we reconciled everything has been about you, God damn it! It’s always you, you and you, never me! I’m done feeling like shit because of you! I deserve more and not just someone who uses me for my body!”

“I don’t use you for your body!” Soonyoung screamed back, letting go of my jaw to clench his palm into a tight fist, “I fucking love you! What more do you need?!”

“I never felt loved by you, Soonyoung. Saying it to me isn’t enough, you need to make me feel it!”

“All the times I fucked you gentle, cuddled with you and stayed up to talk about bullshit wasn’t good enough?” I huffed and rolled my eyes as I walked away from him.

“Yeah, it wasn’t enough. If that’s your definition of love, please, go do that with your girlfriend.” I shrugged and Soonyoung’s jaw clenched.

“I don’t—” The doorbell rang and we both turned towards it. I gulped and my eyebrows furrowed. I wasn’t expecting anyone, is it Jihoon? He wouldn’t come by, he’s at work at this hour. Maybe Yerim? She comes over sometimes, but never unannounced. Maybe—Joshua? No…it can’t be…I did give him my address because he’s picking me up tomorrow for our date but he wouldn’t come today as a surprise, right?

“Go get your things,” I snapped at Soonyoung quietly as I walked towards the front door, “I don’t care who it is, you’re leaving!”

“I’m not fucking going anywhere!” He snapped back and I turned around abruptly, face turning red from the anger.

“Don’t try me, Soonyoung.” I hissed and he rolled his eyes, my palm itched to slap him across the face, but I took a deep breath instead and unlocked the front door. I swung it open and my jaw fell. A huge bucket of red roses covered the face and mostly the upper body of the person standing behind it, but I knew who it was.

“Surprise!” His melodic voice echoed a bit in the hallway and my heart started beating fast. Oh no, what will he think when he sees Soonyoung over? He probably won’t know he slept over, right? What if he gets the wrong idea? I can’t lose Joshua right now.

“Jo—Joshua!” I gasped and took the bucket of roses from him, beaconing him inside, “These are—gorgeous!”

Joshua was grinning, his cheeks a light red, as he leaned down at pecked my lips. My heart started beating faster, knowing well he still hasn’t noticed Soonyoung standing behind me.

“I’m glad you like it, I didn’t want to come over unannounced but—” He scratched the back of his neck as he looked down shyly, “I couldn’t help it.”

“What if I wasn’t home?” I chuckled and hugged the roses to my chest.

“I would’ve delivered the roses to your office!” He grinned and I chuckled, cheeks flushing, “But your car was in the driveway, so—”

A throat was cleared behind me and my happy demeanor quickly faded. Shit. Soonyoung will ruin everything.

“Hello there,” Joshua greeted politely once Soonyoung walked up beside me, “You must be…Soonyoung, was it?”

I gulped when Soonyoung slug an arm around my shoulders, a stoic expression on his face as he looked down at the roses. Then suddenly, as if having such a quick change of demeanor was a normal thing, he smiled from ear to ear.

“You are Joshua!” He exclaimed and extended a hand to shake, “I’ve heard a lot about you!”

“Y/N told me a little bit about you too!” Joshua returned the smile and shook Soonyoung’s hand firmly, turning to smile at me. I returned a fake smile and went to the kitchen to get a vase.

“Y/N!” Soonyoung called out, making the hairs stand on my arms. I knew that tone, the teasing tone, when he was about to fuck up something, “I left the final sketch in your bedroom, you should make the order if we want the reception to happen.”

I turned around and gulped, waiting for Joshua to react badly, but he was just glancing around my apartment solemnly, “Yeah, uh—I’ll do that.”

I watched as a smirk crossed his lips and he turned his head and took in Joshua’s body before looking back at me, Joshua oblivious to us as he walked over to a photo frame placed on my bookshelf.

“So classy.” Soonyoung mouthed as I filled the vase with water, working quickly to make Soonyoung go away before he fucks up.

“Soonyoung, you told me your girlfriend asked you to do some grocery shopping on the way home,” I said with a smile as I placed the vase with the roses on the center of the counter and walked towards my friend, “You should go now or else you’ll be late to work, again.”

Soonyoung laughed and grabbed a small bag from the floor, his clothes from the other night inside, “Jihoon is cooking dinner tomorrow, we’ll be waiting for you to join us.”

Liar, Jihoon is working the night shift tomorrow. I sent him a glare but Joshua started walking towards up so I evened out my expression, Joshua coming to a stop next to me.

“Actually,” He spoke up, surprising me, as he placed an arm around my waist, “If you don’t mind, I’ll be stealing your bestie tomorrow night…”

The way Soonyoung’s jaw clenched left a weird satisfaction in me, knowing well ‘bestie’ ticked him off, especially after what went down yesterday and today. Joshua was smiling politely at Soonyoung, but there was a glint in his eyes I didn’t quite understand yet.

“We have a date.” Joshua finally finished his sentence and Soonyoung nodded aggressively.

“Yeah, sure, dude! No problem!” He shrugged and offered me a fake smile, “Have fun tomorrow, but not too much!”

And with a wink he was out of my door, leaving me with Joshua alone. I sighed quietly and leaned into his side, forgetting for a second he didn’t know about anything that went down.

“You good?” He whispered and I turned my head to look up at him with a tired smile.

“I just didn’t get much sleep.” I said with a shrug and he smiled, ruffling my hair a bit.

“I’ll drive you to work today, get ready.” He pulled away from the little embrace and stepped back, “Had breakfast already?”

“Yeah…Soonyoung brought some food…” I lied and Joshua nodded before pointing towards my bathroom.

“You smell like alcohol.” He said with an apologetic smile and I blushed, pulling my hair in a ponytail.

“Sorry, I had too much wine last night…” I lied, again, feeling guiltier and guiltier.

“Don’t worry,” Joshua smiled, winking at me, “We are taking your car to work.”

“Again?” I laughed and Joshua nodded with a sneaky smirk, “I’m starting to think you don’t have a car, Joshua…”

“Uh, about that…” His lips formed a thin line, making me laugh, “It’s in the car service, but it’ll be ready by tomorrow!”

“You’re serious?” I walked towards my bathroom.

“Dead serious!” Joshua called out, making me laugh again as I closed the door. At least he knows how to go around getting free rides.

        Before Joshua dropped me off at work, we went to the coffee shop we had our date at and I bought a cup of coffee for everyone from work, even for Soonyoung. I do this from time to time, I haven’t done it in two weeks so I considered the timing was good. And everyone came in late today, a little coffee wouldn’t hurt anyone right now. Joshua helped me carry up the trays of cups of coffee and with a kiss he was gone, leaving me smiling and blushing in front of the entrance. Taking a deep breath to gather myself a bit, I pushed the door open and greeted everyone with a wide smile.

“I bought coffee for everyone!” I called out loudly and my colleagues called out in appreciation, forming a line to get their coffee.

“Thank you!” Yerim exclaimed loudly as she helped me hold the two trays, “I really fucking needed it.”

“As if we didn’t come to work later than usual.” I threw her an amused smile as Wendy, another co-worker, took her coffee with a wide smile and a ‘thank you’.

“Exactly!” Yerim’s eye widened, a very ‘duh’ expression covering her face, “You think I went to bed early? No, fucking, way! I was out partying last night!”

“Explains why you look like a zombie…” I muttered quietly, thinking Yerim wouldn’t hear me as Baekhyun’s, a very annoying but sweet co-worker, laughter flooded our ears. But Yerim heard me and she threw me a glare.

“I’m always fabulous, even when I look like a zombie.”

“True.” Baekhyun said with a shrug before strolling back to his desk, making Yerim throw her long blonde hair back. I chuckled and shook my head, grabbing the next cup and handing it to Chan before he could reach for it.

“Thank you!” He beamed at me, eyes lighting up, “I didn’t get my doze of caffeine yet today.”

“Slept in?” I asked with a smile and Chan nodded his head with a chuckle.

“Cute.” Yerim muttered while biting her lip, making Chan and I look at her, “What?”

“Uh—nothing!” Chan exclaimed embarrassed, about to walk away, but I held onto his arm.

“Hey, uhm…can I ask you something?” I asked quietly, smiling apologetically at Chan as he nodded, “You know about the reception happening in two weeks…if I send you the details, can you find me a place?”

“Aren’t you working with Soonyoung though?” Chan’s eyebrows furrowed as Yerim gave me a look, handing Hana a cup of coffee.

“I mean…something came up and he’s busy with other things…uh—so, can you help me out?” I offered him a small smile, in hopes he would say yes, and Chan seemed to be thinking for a moment.

“I mean, I can help you, of course! But I have a lot of work to do and I might be able to do by the end of the week only…and I know you need it, like, today…” I sighed as Chan grimaced, avoiding my eyes. It’s not his fault though, I understand him.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I should have asked you sooner!” I tried to cheer him up and reassure him, and he nodded with his lips in a tight line.

“So…can you wait until the end of the week—”

“Last time I checked; I was the one working with you.” Soonyoung’s raspy voice interrupted Chan, coming from behind me. I tensed up as Yerim and Chan were now looking at us questioningly. I took mentally a deep breath and then turned around, three more cups of coffee remaining on my tray.

“Maybe your girlfriend forgot to brew you some coffee this morning, Soonyoung.” I joked with a sarcastic tone and Soonyoung just chuckled, eyes narrowing as he grabbed a cup of coffee from the tray.

“Yeah, she was busy doing other things.” He smirked before taking a large gulp of the coffee, keeping eye contact with me. In my peripheral vision, I saw Yerim’s eyebrows raising as she looked between us. Chan cleared his throat and I glanced back at him.

“So, then…I guess you’ll be working with Soonyoung again…”

“Actually, no—”

“Yes, Chan.” Soonyoung cut me off, a charming smile on his lips, “I got a tight schedule and I thought I wouldn’t be able to do it, but it’s all solved now.”

“Oh, great!” Chan exclaimed with a big smile, “I’m really busy this week…”

“Sorry for the confusion, Chan.” I apologized, throwing Soonyoung a subtle glare, knowing well Yerim was watching us like hawks.

“Don’t worry,” He offered us one more smile, “I’ll be off to work then.”

Yerim smiled flirty at Chan before he could walk away, flustering the younger boy once again. She turned to look at me with an amused giggle and I shook my head, ignoring Soonyoung’s eyes boring into the side of my head.

“He’s so cute,” Yerim mused quietly, eyebrows raising, “Who was that handsome guy you came with today, Y/N?”

I looked at Yerim with a warning look, not wanting to discuss anything about Joshua with Soonyoung there, today’s morning being enough for me. But Yerim ignored my warning and silent plea, like she usually does, and raised her eyebrows even higher.

“Oh, Joshua drove you here?!” Soonyoung exclaimed next to me, face lighting up suddenly. I turned to look at him, eyebrows furrowed, but he ignored me as he looked at Yerim, “He’s a real gentleman, so classy…”

“Yeah, exactly.” I snapped, glaring at him again, “He’s kind and gentle, unlike you—someone.”

Yerim’s eyes narrowed at us as she took a sip of her coffee, looking at us with suspicion, “Okay, besties, I’ve got some work to do as well…”

“We are not besties—” Soonyoung growled as Yerim walked away, not caring to listen if we had anything else to say. I scoffed and chuckled quietly, enjoying how triggered Soonyoung looked. He always hated us being called besties, but ever since the whole friends with benefits thing happened, he really detested it. He even threatened Jihoon once when he dared to call us that.

“Why did you ask Chan to do my work, Y/N?” Soonyoung’s glare was directed at me, voice low as we were still in the front lobby, everyone could hear and see us.

“Because if I remember correctly, I gave you a deadline that you didn’t respect!” I snapped back, stepping closer to make sure the others couldn’t see our faces that well. We didn’t need them to know about how much our friendship was going to shit. I think it became obvious that there was something wrong the second I stopped interacting with Soonyoung so much, or when he slammed the door to my office so hard, I thought he’d break the whole wall.

“You are not the boss here, and I told you that wasn’t enough time for me to find something!” Soonyoung spoke quickly, nostrils flaring as his jaw clenched. His grip on the cup of coffee was tightening and he was probably close to snapping it in half, so I gripped his wrist, hating the butterflies that erupted in my stomach and how the back of my neck felt hot.

“Maybe if last night you didn’t get shitfaced and actually did some work, I wouldn’t have asked for Chan’s help.” I snapped, but my eyes softened, trying to calm him down. He was a calm man, but when you ticked him off, he left only destruction in his wake. And we didn’t need that happening at the office, especially in the front lobby.

“I will do it by tonight.” Soonyoung’s voice softened and suddenly the wrist I was holding twisted, gripping my palm into his. I gulped and looked down at our hands, shaking my head.

“Please, do it.” I muttered, hating the way my eyes fell on his lips when he licked them. Soonyoung saw it too and a grunt left his lips before he was stepping back, running a hand through his, now straight, black hair.

“You always make such a scene out of everything.” He said with a shake of his head, taking another sip of his coffee.

“I do not!” I scoffed and rolled my eyes, placing down the tray on the little table by the entrance, “And you are a dickhead, Soonyoung.”

“I know…” His voice was small and I looked back at him, a dark look crossing over his features. I sighed and turned around, mouth open to tell him to get to work, when a lady spoke up.

“You two should be working.” Mrs. Choi’s eyebrows were raised, lips in a playful pout, and Soonyoung smiled.

“Mrs. Choi! Fancy seeing you this beautiful morning, not more beautiful than you, of course.” Soonyoung made a spectacle as he took Mrs. Choi’s hand and placed a soft kiss on it, waltzing away with a wink directed at me. I sighed and handed Mrs. Choi the last cup of coffee.

“Good morning, I bought some coffee for everyone today.” I said quietly, avoiding eye contact with the older lady.

“Thank you, my dear,” She smiled as she took the cup, gripping it with both hands, “Is everything alright? I haven’t seen your plans about the upcoming reception and Soonyoung said you kept postponing the meeting for the past two weeks.”

I gulped and bit my lower lip, feeling embarrassed and guilty, “I did, yes, and I apologize for stalling. It’s just…I went through something and…I will solve this issue, I promise! I trust that Soonyoung will find the right location by tonight and then I can put everything into action.”

“I’m not worried about you making this work, you’ve worked in worse conditions before, my dear. I just don’t like seeing you sad and always grumpy, especially if it’s caused by a man.” I looked up at Mrs. Choi surprised, finding her smiling at me gently.

“Uh, right—I, uh, have a question!” I tried to divert the subject, knowing well the old lady had eyes and ears everywhere. I wouldn’t be surprised if she knew about everyone’s private life from the office, “This Saturday…can I bring a plus one? To the barbeque?”

“Of course!” Mrs. Choi exclaimed with a laugh, “The more, the merrier! We can split the bill even better!”

“I thought you were paying…” I muttered with a cheeky smile and Mrs. Choi laughed, shaking her head.

“Don’t disappoint me this time with your choice in men,” She said with a wink, sipping from her coffee, “Soonyoung wasn’t made for you, my dear.”

My jaw fell open as I gaped at Mrs. Choi, trying to come up quickly with something to deny her affirmation but by the time I thought of something, she walked away, leaving me alone and gaping. I cleared my throat and closed my mouth when Baekhyun looked up from his desk, eyebrows raised and mouth in an amused grin, looking at me questioningly. I shooed him off with a flick of my wrist and quickly fished my phone out of my purse as I took of towards my office. I dialed Joshua’s number and prayed he was available, on the fifth rang he picked up.

“Missed me already?” Came his teasing through the phone. I scoffed as I took a sip of my coffee quickly.

“You wish, do you have time to talk?” I asked, opening the door of my office.

“If you make it quick, yes.”

“You know, how I’m busy this Saturday…” Joshua hummed and I continued talking with a smile on my face, “Are you busy this Saturday?”

“Uhm…not really, no.” Came his confused answer, no doubt he was frowning now.

“Well, then I just made you busy!” I exclaimed, laughing alone as Joshua remained silent and even more confused on the other end.

“Uhm, care to explain, hon?” My cheeks became hot at the use of his nickname for me and I giggled quietly.

“I’m going to a barbeque with my colleagues, and you are invited too now!”

“Really?!” Joshua asked excitedly and I laughed.

“Really!”

“Okay, cool! We’ll talk later then, but if you need confirmation, I am coming!”

“Of course, you are! But it doesn’t count as our third date!” I spoke quickly, knowing he had to hang up.

“Of course not, hon, talk to you later!”

“See you, Shua!” I hang up with a big smile, taking a seat in my chair, melting away into it. Ah, the things Joshua makes me feel!

        Saturday rolled around quickly, our little cycling date on Wednesday went even better than we were expecting it. This time it was Joshua who drove us around, his car finally out of the service, and I even attempted to pull the same joke he usually did, and drive him home in his own car but, of course, he didn’t let me. He wanted to make sure I got home safely as night has fallen by the time, we finished eating at a local noodle restaurant. On Saturday, we agreed that I would come by his place first and then we’d drive together to the barbeque restaurant, as he lived closer to the place and we wanted to save some fuel. I chose to wear a black turtleneck and a denim dress over it, with black tights and knee-high boots, a thick denim jacket shielding me from the evening breeze. My black purse matched my turtleneck and I painted my lips red, applied some mascara and a little bit of blush to my cheeks. I brushed my hair and let the waves fall freely over my shoulders, clipping the front strands behind my ears. It was the first time Joshua would see me truly dressed up, not that I put much effort into my looks. Last date we went cycling, so I couldn’t wear anything fancy, and on our first date we both wore working attire. And well…the night we met, I was almost wearing my pajamas, so it doesn’t count. I was curious of Joshua’s everyday style, wondering if he dressed as fancy as he acted. He was a gentleman after all. I gave him a text when I reached his apartment complex and he was downstairs in three minutes. A big smile on his lips, eyes running over my body, as he jogged up to me. I giggled when he reached me and I threw my arms around, snuggling my chin into his shoulder, making sure I didn’t smudge my lipstick nor dirty his cream-colored coat. He wore dark grey dress pants that reached his ankles and I could make out a soft green turtleneck peeking out from underneath his coat. His light brown hair wasn’t as messy as usual and it had a nice middle part.

“Wow, Joshua!” I mused as I made him twirl around, “You look so fancy!”

“And you look breathtaking.” He said, his voice a bit deeper than usual, taking me by surprise. My cheeks heated up and I pouted as he leaned in.

“My lipstick—!” But Joshua didn’t care as he pressed his lips against mine softly, barely even touching them together.

“You can redo it later, let me give you a kiss!” He murmured against my lips and I grinned, pulling back.

“Maybe when we come back from the barbeque.” Joshua’s eyebrows furrowed and I giggled as I took the car key from his hand.

“Maybe?” He asked wondering, shaking his head a bit, “I don’t think that will work.”

“No?” I raised my eyebrows as I took off towards the parking lot.

“No,” He shook his head firmly, walking after me, “I will need my kiss, right now, and later too.”

I laughed and got into the driver’s seat before he could, claiming it as Joshua shook his head outside the car.

“I was supposed to drive tonight.”

“On the way back!” I grinned and he sighed before getting in, putting on his seatbelt.

“So…where is my kiss?” He asked, lips jutted out, as he turned towards me. I scoffed and leaned over the middle to give him a firm peck. He hummed contently, closing his eyes as I turned back around, turning the engine on.

The ride to the barbeque place was quick and filled with Joshua telling one of his stories about pranking Jeonghan, once again. These two were little devils and wrecked-havoc everywhere they went. On our cycling date Jeonghan actually turned up and tagged along for half an hour, even though Joshua made it clear that he should just leave us alone, but with a sneaky wink towards me, Jeonghan rode his bike along with ours. The man was nice and pleasant to hang out with, so I didn’t mind him tagging along. At least I got insight on Joshua through one of his friends. And I was pleased with the person he seemed to be. Truly, Joshua was a fresh breath of air to me. I don’t know what I did to find him, but I was sure that I’m not letting go of him.

“Are you sure about this?” Joshua spoke up as I parked the car, struggling a bit, his car being bigger than mine.

“Sure, about what?” I asked absentmindedly as I focused on not hitting the two cars I was parking in between.

“Me coming with you, I mean…we only went on two dates. You’ve known me for a week only, don’t you think…we are taking it too fast?” I paused, hitting the brake a bit harsher, sending us forward.

“Do you think we are taking it too fast?” I asked quietly, a bit afraid of his answer. Because I don’t think we are, the most we did was little pecks here and there. I felt alright presenting him to my co-workers and few friends, even if it’s been a week. I’ve never been so certain about someone before.

“I, personally, don’t think so. I just—want to make sure you don’t feel pressured or—”

“Joshua!” I turned toward him wide eyed, “If I didn’t want you to be here with me right now, you wouldn’t be, trust me. Two dates and a week of knowing each other, I—I don’t actually know, this feeling is really new to me. But I want it, I’m certain about it…about us?”

A smile spread on Joshua’s lips slowly and he placed a hand on mine, giving it a squeeze, “Okay, because I really fucking like you a lot.”

I started laughing, being the first time Joshua has sworn in front of me, and squeezed his hand back, “You should park the car now, I think we are making a line behind us…”

“Shit…” I muttered, quickly parking the car, making sure I didn’t hit the others, as Joshua just chuckled. Once we got out Joshua intertwined his fingers with mine and my cheeks turned a little red as I giggled, like a crazy girl, squeezing his hand playfully. He chuckled and glanced at me while leading the way inside. My heart was thumping in my chest as we neared the long table full of my co-workers, and few friends, unsure of their reactions. Only Mrs. Choi knew of my arrival with Joshua, and I truly feared how Soonyoung would react. For sure he would find some way to ruin it, I know him too well.

The chatter from their table was loud but when we arrived next to Mrs. Choi, everyone fell silent. I cleared my throat as Joshua gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

“Hi, everyone!” I greeted, voice a bit higher than usual, “Uh, this is—my boyfriend, Joshua.”

Cheers and greetings broke out from the table, Baekhyun already tipsy as he rose from his seat with a shot in his hand and cheered the loudest, meanwhile I felt two eyes boring into my face. One was coming from the man holding my hand and the other one from the man sitting at the head of the table, across from Mrs. Choi. I turned towards Joshua, a nervous smile on my lips, knowing well calling him my boyfriend took him off guard. I hope I didn’t screw up things, but as Joshua continued to remain silent my heart started hammering in fear. Did I say the wrong thing? But how was I supposed to introduce him? Especially when we arrived together and even holding hands. Before I could think about it even more, a huge grin appeared on Joshua’s face and he started quietly cooing as he pulled my head into his chest. I quickly sucked my lips in, making sure I didn’t dirty his cream-colored coat with my red lipstick, feeling embarrassed as Baekhyun whistled loudly.

“Come sit, love birds!” Yerim’s loud, shrill, voice called out for us. She was sitting close to Soonyoung, two seats empty on her right. The one who would sit at the end of the table would be basically next to Soonyoung. Before we could walk to Yerim, however, Mrs. Choi was on her feet, a warm smile on her lips.

“Good evening, welcome!” She greeted us and patted my cheek once Joshua freed me from his hold, “I see my dear Y/N decided to bring someone along. Who are you, young man?”

“Hong Joshua, Mrs. …”

“Choi Seunghee.” My boss introduced herself and Joshua bowed politely.

“Mrs. Choi, nice to meet you!”

“You too, Mr. Hong—” Mrs. Choi’s eyes landed on me and she winked, “Lovely choice, my dear.”

My cheeks flushed and I groaned quietly as Joshua chuckled and nodded once, before pulling me towards Yerim, who was waving us over aggressively.

“Thank, fucking, God!” She exclaimed once we were by her side, “My arm was about to fall off!”

“Well why were you continuously waving?” I asked laughing as Joshua helped me take my jacket off, “It’s not like we can sit anywhere else…”

“I’m just being a good friend, don’t lecture me about it.” Yerim said with a pout as I threw her a playful glare, holding my jacket so that Joshua could take his own coat off.

“Yeah, whatever,” Yerim rolled her eyes, eyeing Joshua as he went to take our jackets to the hanger, “Damn, classy but sexy as fuck.”

“Yerim!” I hissed, eyes widening as Joshua walked back, a warm smile on his face.

“I’m Kim Yerim!” She introduced herself, standing up and extending her hand. She was wearing a dark green dress, body fitting, for once reached bellowed her knees and had a turtleneck. I see everyone went for a turtleneck tonight.

“Hong Joshua, nice to meet you.” Joshua shook her hand delicately, smiling when Yerim grinned at me.

“A foreigner too!” She winked at me, eyes running over Joshua again, “Nice catch, bitch.”

My mouth fell open as Joshua started laughing loudly, covering it with his hand once he realized he was really loud. I threw him a glare before I pulled on Yerim’s straightened hair, earning a hiss from her.

“Watch your language, Kim Yerim!” I snapped, feeling embarrassed, as I took a quick seat beside her. I forgot about Soonyoung’s existence, but it didn’t last for long, when I heard Joshua greeting him.

“Good to see you made it.” He spoke monotonously, lips in a tight line. He wasn’t even trying to hide his displeasure and I threw him a warning glare.

“Good evening, Soonyoung.” I greeted him; expression neutral as he bowed before downing his shot in one go.

“Want to drink?” He raised his glass of Soju to Joshua.

“Not tonight, I’m the designated driver,” He said with an apologetic smile, “Next time.”

“Next time.” That made Soonyoung smirk as he sent me a wink, downing another shot. I sighed quietly, opening the can of soda in front of me, eyes accidentally catching Baekhyun’s.

“Eyo, I thought you ditched us!” He said loudly, smile lopsided.

“And miss seeing you drunk?” I laughed, taking a sip of the soda, “Never, Baekhyun, never.”

Baekhyun giggled and raised his glass of Soju in salute before taking a big gulp.

“So, Joshua!” Yerim exclaimed, making me go deaf for a few seconds, “What do you do? How do you earn money? How did you charm Y/N? What are your hobbies? Tell me everything!”

“Take it easy, Yerim,” I said with a snort, hand finding Joshua’s underneath the table, “I forgot to tell him how energetic and tiring you can be.”

“Ah, I know someone just like her…” Joshua mused, eyes glinting with mischief and I laughed, shaking my head.

“Jeonghan.” We chorused at the same time, making Yerim raise her eyebrows and Soonyoung frown at us.

“Hmm, his name doesn’t sound bad. Is he handsome?” Yerim asked, lips forming a pout.

“Yah, Kim Yerim!” Came Chan’s loud exclamation, he was sitting next to Wendy, two seats away from Baekhyun who was across from me, “You’re trying to find yourself a new man?!”

“Yes, do you have a problem with that?!” Yerim snapped back, eyebrows raising in a challenging way.

“Yes, I do!” Chan snapped back, lips jutting out as he stared back at Yerim.

“Then stop being a pussy and ask me out!” Yerim’s statement made the table go silent, and she blushed. Kim Yerim was actually blushing! I started laughing loudly and soon the others followed, well except for Yerim and Chan; and Soonyoung; who were staring at each other intently.

“Ah, to be young and in love…” Mrs. Choi mused from the head of the table, making Yerim glare at her.

“Who’s in love? I’m not!” She was quick to defend herself, throwing Chan a subtle glance. But Chan was focused on glaring at his bottle of Soju, ears red. I giggled to myself and Joshua squeezed my hand underneath the table, making me look at him. He grinned down at me and I blushed, scrunching my nose at him.

“Those two definitely are.” Wendy said with a sweet smile, nodded her towards us, making me blush further. I groaned as Joshua, once again, pulled my head against his chest, and rested his chin on top of my head.

“Yeah, we might be…” He sing-songed, making me pinch his hip just a bit, “Oh, come on, don’t be shy now.”

“Shut up.” I snapped and pulled away with a small glare, my eyes catching Soonyoung’s in the process. His jaw was clenched and he glared at me, downing another shot of his Soju. I couldn’t help but worry, watching as he did that three more times, finishing his first bottle of the night.

“Soonyoung…” I called out, Joshua was playing absentmindedly with my fingers as he conversed with Baekhyun, “Take it easy…”

Soonyoung’s head snapped up and he looked into my eyes, licking his lips, “What do you care?”

I rolled my eyes and glanced at Joshua to see if he was paying attention to us, but he wasn’t, so I lowered my voice knowing Soonyoung will hear me, “I do, okay? You are my best friend!”

“Yeah…” He chuckled bitterly as he opened up another bottle of Soju, “Best friend.”

“I mean it.” I snapped, eyes glaring at him as he just shrugged.

“Thanks for worrying about me, bestie,” He faked a grin and gulped half of the Soju down, “But I can handle myself.”

“I won’t be driving you home if you get shitfaced.” I warned him, becoming aware of Joshua glancing at me more often.

“Don’t worry, my girlfriend will make sure to pick me up this time.” I scoffed and gulped down the remark I had for him, instead looked up at Joshua to see him frowning at us. I have to tell him after tonight what’s been happening between Soonyoung and I. He deserves to know. Maybe he can help me out even with some advice, I don’t even know anymore.

“Are you okay, hon?” He asked quietly, eyebrows furrowed as he searched my face.

“Of course!” I offered him a small smile, then nudged Yerim, “Wanna hear the answers you were so eager for?”

“Fuck yeah!” Yerim slammed her Soju bottle down, spilling a bit on the table, as she leaned closer in, captivated once Joshua started talking. That’s how I felt every time I was with Joshua, utterly captivated. Like it was just us, no one and nothing else in the world. It was new and weird. It was something I enjoyed and craved, it felt amazing.

Somewhere halfway through, Yerim and I excused ourselves to the restroom, Yerim complaining about having to pee after she drank three bottles of Soju. The food was almost done by that time, everyone having eaten well and now we were just drinking the rest of the drinks and sharing stories. Mrs. Choi said she didn’t want to stay until very late, her son having to pick her up and he had classes tomorrow, so we decided to stay until midnight instead of late night, like usually we do. Yerim and I took quite a while, her having to make sure her whole makeup looked presentable, rambling about how she was going home with Chan tonight even if she had to force him. Something I’m sure she won’t have to do; Chan’s been eyeing her all night after she told him to ask her out. It was quite obvious Chan had a crush on Yerim, everyone knew, but no one expected Yerim to reciprocate the feelings. She was always after Soonyoung, barely batting an eyelash at Chan. And it’s not like the others know Soonyoung has a girlfriend, he hasn’t told anyone besides me and Jihoon. When we made it back to our table, Joshua had a neutral expression and Soonyoung was smirking as he leaned back in his chair, an accomplished look crossing his face. I gulped as I took my seat and tapped Joshua’s thigh, asking if he was feeling alright. Deep down, I knew Soonyoung told him something and that’s why his demeanor changed, but I hoped I was wrong and Joshua was just tired and Soonyoung just said one of his lame jokes to which Joshua had a good reaction. But when Soonyoung raised his fifth bottle of Soju, already drunk, and called loudly ‘cheers’ while never breaking eye contact with me, I knew he said something to Joshua. Something I didn’t want him to know, at least, not yet. Joshua, however, was quick to reassure me and say that he was tired and wanted to head home earlier if it wasn’t a problem for me. And it wasn’t, we quickly took on our coat and jacket, wished the others a good night and left the barbeque restaurant. My heart was hammering, cheeks a bit red from one bottle of Soju, and I was surprised when Joshua’s fingers intertwined with mine as we walked towards his car. No one said nothing, Joshua seemed deep in thought meanwhile I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t even know what happened that ruined his mood so quickly. He opened the door for me once we reached his car, and I thanked him quietly as I sat inside. Joshua was quickly inside the car as well, starting the engine to generate warmth. We put our seatbelts on and Joshua turned the radio down for quiet background noise as he started driving. I gulped and bit my lower lip, trying to find a way to ask him if Soonyoung said anything to him, without spoiling much.

“Are you okay?” I decided on asking, placing one hand gently on his thigh. He tensed up and I felt a pang in my heart as I quickly retracted my arm, clearing my throat. However, he quickly gripped my wrist and held it for a second.

“I’m not mad at you, please relax.” He spoke up calmly, thumb rubbing over the skin of my wrist. I let out a shaky breath, now knowing certainly that Soonyoung told him something he wasn’t supposed to.

“What—” I took a shaky breath, “What did Soonyoung tell you?”

Joshua was quiet for a second as he took a left turn, not rushing as he drove below the speed limit, “Enough to piss me off, honestly, but not enough to push me away from you.”

“I’m so sorry,” I sighed out, looking down at my lap, “You deserve to know, but we’ve barely been on our second date and I—I didn’t want to tell you anything yet, I just didn’t think it was the right timing, you know? What was I even supposed to tell you? That I—”

“The reason why it pissed me off, is because it wasn’t his call to make. You were supposed to tell me once you felt ready and not Soonyoung to spite me,” Joshua took a deep breath and threw me a quick glance, “I don’t give a shit that you two were friends with benefits, Y/N, calm down, okay?”

I took a shaky breath and bit my lower lip, “Joshua, I’m—in love with Soonyoung.”

The silence was deadly and my heart was hammering in my chest, but Joshua’s thumb never stopped caressing the skin of my wrist, not even after I said those words.

“But I like you, very, very much. And I want to be with you, not Soonyoung. It took me so long to realize he’s not good for me, that he could never offer me what I need. Soonyoung is—not a good person. He was a good friend, and still is sometimes, but when it comes to relationships, he—doesn’t know what those mean. I don’t want to be with him, yes, I still love him but God! I’m doing everything I can to get over him and…it’s working. It’s hard and it takes time, but it’s working, Joshua. I’m slowly, but surely, falling for you. Even if it’s too early to say that, I feel it. You are so amazing, I never even dared to dream of someone like you! You respect me and bring out the best in me, make me laugh until my stomach hurts and make me feel things I never even knew I could feel. You are special, Joshua.”

I wasn’t even sure Joshua was paying attention to my rant, but by the time I finished, we arrived in front of my apartment complex. My heart was beating fast and I was scared to look at Joshua as he stopped the car, head turning towards me. If I were him, I knew I’d be furious and feeling like I got fucked over. That’s what scares me, what if he leaves me right now? How do I get over that? Losing two men I care about is too harsh.

“I know falling out of love can be a hard process, but I sure as hell haven’t seen someone before trying so hard to do it,” He chuckled and my eyebrows became relaxed a bit, “I understand you and I respect you. Thank you for telling me, even if I had to find out this way, I think you would’ve still told me. I have to be honest; I’m not pleased to know you love other man, but who would be? But I see how you act around me, and I don’t know how you used to act around Soonyoung, but I know that you simply radiate when you are with me. And you make me feel warm and full, always tugging at my heartstrings without even doing anything. I choose to trust you, Y/N. Prove me right, please.”

The sudden relieved laugh that left my lips was loud in the car and it brought a smile on Joshua’s lips, I felt like I could breathe again. My heart slowly returned to its natural rhythm as Joshua and I stared into each other’s eyes.

“Thank you, for trusting me.” I whispered and closed my eyes when he pressed his forehead against mine.

“Thank you, for making room for me in your heart.” A wide smile spread on my lips and I pressed my lips against Joshua’s softly, his cherry-colored lips pushing back just as gently. There was nothing hungry behind the kiss, only genuine feelings being poured into it, as our lips moved slowly. I wanted this moment to last forever, I wanted to ask Joshua to come up with me, but it was too soon. We decided in taking things slowly, if I called him up right now, that would change a lot. And we are not there yet, I’m not ready for that yet.

“So…” Joshua’s lips pulled up into a mischievous smirk once we pulled back from the kiss, “I’m your boyfriend, huh?”

I chuckled and shrugged, “Guess you are.”

“Good.” He breathed out and I leaned in to press another soft kiss against his lips before I went upstairs.

“Good night!” He called out as he rolled his window down, sending me a flying kiss. I caught it and pretended to press it where my heart was, putting it away and keeping it in a safe place.

“Good night!” I called back and quickly rushed inside the building, racing up the stairs to my apartment. It wasn’t the most pleasant thing to be in the stairway late at night. Once inside my apartment, I closed and locked the front door, leaning over it. I was feeling ecstatic from that kiss and the word exchanges Joshua and I had, but then suddenly rage over took me. And I knew how I would spend my early morning tomorrow.

       It was early in the morning when I got up, the rage I felt towards Soonyoung didn’t let me rest much. Even as I cooked myself some breakfast, I found myself throwing everything around loudly and then feeling sorry for my neighbors, it was an early Sunday morning after all. After eating my breakfast, I took a shower in hopes that it would ease my tense muscles and angry thoughts, but it just fueled all the mean things I had to say to Soonyoung. After all, we all know in the shower come the mightiest ideas and arguments. After getting dressed, I took the car keys and off I was to Soonyoung and Jihoon’s apartment. Due to it being early, and a Saturday, traffic was almost none and I made it to their apartment in 10 minutes, a ride that on a normal day would take twenty minutes. I glanced at the clock and decided to go upstairs, knowing well hungover Soonyoung always got up at 6 am to nurse his headache, cook himself breakfast, and then go on a run to clear up his head. Besides, I wasn’t just here to put him in his place, I was here to hand him back their apartment key and ask for mine back. So, without second thoughts, once I reached their front door, I unlocked the door and barged inside. The apartment was quiet, Jihoon was still asleep as he had the nightshift last night, probably made it back home two or three hours ago so I was already feeling bad for waking him probably once Soonyoung and I start arguing. I heard some muffled noises coming from Soonyoung’s room, so I knew he was up. Taking a deep breath and rolling my shoulders a few times, I marched towards it and barged inside. The sight that greeted me wasn’t something I was expecting. Not now, not in a million years. Eyes wide, I turned back around and slammed the door closed, praying that it didn’t wake Jihoon. I heard a few groans and some mumbled words as I walked away from Soonyoung’s room, taking deep breaths. A girl, his girlfriend no doubt, with her mouth deep down Soonyoung’s dick. Both of their eyes went wide when I barged in, Soonyoung’s darkened a lot more once he realized it was me and not Jihoon. I didn’t see the girl’s reaction as I slammed the door closed, and now I was pacing up and down in the kitchen, reaching for a glass to pour some water into it. How am I going to do this? With his girlfriend over? I don’t want to drag her into this mess, I know she doesn’t know, and I don’t want her to find out either. I’m not like Soonyoung. If it was just Jihoon here, I wouldn’t have cared, he already knew everything. Just as I downed the glass of water, Soonyoung’s bedroom door was opened and the black-haired girl tiptoed out, long hair in a high ponytail now.

“Uh—Hi.” I greeted quietly and she gulped as she looked away embarrassed, “Uh—sorry, for barging in like that, I—”

“Yeah, uh—just forget about it?” The girl asked as she played around with the towel in her hands, “I’m Soonyoung’s girlfriend, Yuna, nice to meet you.”

“Y/N, nice to meet you too.” We nodded our heads at each other a little as the girl tried to smile at me but failed.

“Yeah, you’re Soonyoung’s friend—anyways, I’ll be taking a shower. See you later?” She headed for the bathroom door and I muttered quietly after her a ‘See you later’. As the bathroom door closed, out came Soonyoung from his room wearing his black sweatpants and a white t-shirt. His face was still swollen and his hair sticking out in every direction. He stood at the entrance of the kitchen, arms crossed over his chest as he watched me with a glare, a glare I returned fiercely.

“What?” He finally snapped like nothing happened yesterday, a glint of amusement filling his eyes.

“Don’t act like Saint Marry, Soonyoung!” I snapped, jaw clenching as the rage I’ve felt all night long flooded my body, “You have the fucking audacity to even ask ‘What?’ when you almost ruined my relationship with Joshua?!”

“Ah,” Soonyoung laughed quietly, “The one-week long relationship? Are you sure that’s a relationship? Maybe he just likes the way you suck his dick—”

“Don’t even talk about Joshua like that!” I snapped, making sure my voice remained low enough that it wouldn’t wake Jihoon, if he wasn’t awake already, nor would it reach Yuna’s ears.

“Oh, look at that! Defending him like you’re his little puppy—”

“Fuck you, Soonyoung! You’re a piece of shit!” I snapped, slamming the apartment keys down on the counter, “I want my fucking keys back, now.”

“No.”

“No? I don’t think so.” I snapped and glared at him as I went to walk past him, but Soonyoung grabbed me by my upper arm and pulled me back, hips pinning me between him and the counter.

“You can’t take the keys back.” He muttered lowly, his glare boring into my own.

“Those aren’t yours, to begin with, I am taking them back.” I went to push Soonyoung away but he grabbed my jaw tightly and forced my head to stay in place. I hissed at him and tried to swat at his hand, but he raised his eyebrows in warning.

“Just admit you’re here because you miss fucking me.” A shit eating grin spread over his lips and my palms turned into fists, ready to punch him any second now.

“I’m here, to tell you, that you are a scumbag, Soonyoung. I knew you played unfair your whole life, but telling Joshua we used to fuck? That was really low, Soonyoung. You proved that you’re a trash person deep down. You have a girlfriend but you go around being jealous? Trying to destroy your best friend’s relationship? When she’s finally happy?!”

“You just think you’re happy with Joshua, Y/N, but you aren’t really.” He growled, grip tightening on my jaw, making me hiss.

“Sure,” I scoffed, nodding my head, “Go ahead and tell me how I feel, right. Because you know! You! Not me!”

“You’ve only known him for a week, God damn it! You’ve known me for almost ten years! Can’t you see I’m right for you, Y/N? Who knows you like I do? No one else! I grew up with you, I was there to support you through everything! Through every heart break and every successful date! Y/N, I love you truly! Unlike Joshua who doesn’t even know you!” His voice started raising and he was breathing hard and I whined, gripping his wrist when his grip became unbearable on my jaw. If he was going to keep on squeezing, he would bruise it and I don’t want to go around lying to people.

“Well unlike Joshua, who doesn’t even know me! He’s the one who made me feel truly happy and heard and seen ever since we’ve reconciled, Soonyoung! I always felt so drained being with you. It was always about you! About making you satisfied, about making you happy, about supporting you no matter what, about bending myself to everything you wanted because I wasn’t important. Not as important as you, at least.” His grip softened but he didn’t let go, he was slowly shaking his head no, “You are afraid of letting go because I’m something safe, something you know. Something you can come back to. I know new things scare you, Soonyoung, but we are over. I don’t love you.”

“That’s a lie!” Soonyoung scoffed and rolled his eyes, giving me the moment to push his grip off my jaw, “You love me and I love you. Understand that already!”

“No, you don’t love me. Not like I did, anyways. My body is what you love, the way I made you feel and the way I would always bend to your likes. I broke myself down so that you could build yourself up, and you knew all along what you were doing, Soonyoung. And I knew, deep down I did, but I was blinded by my foolish love and selflessness. That’s not happening anymore, understand?”

But Soonyoung just kept shaking his head, “No, bullshit. I—love you!”

I bit my lower and realized pouring my heart out to him, about everything he made me feel made the dull ache disappear. It was like I felt nothing now when I looked at him.

“Stay away from Joshua and I, understand? Don’t make me take drastic measures, Soonyoung, because I will. You know I will!” I warned Soonyoung, wriggling out of his hold, “Whatever we ever had, takes an end, right now. After I leave this apartment, we are just co-workers. After we are done with this reception, we won’t work together unless Mrs. Choi or the project demands us to. We can’t be friends anymore, not after you broke my trust and respect like that. It was my job to tell Joshua we were friends with benefits, not yours!”

Soonyoung’s lips quivered as he stared at me hopelessly, a humorless laugh leaving his lips, “You really care that much about him? After a week?”

“You have no idea,” I whispered, looking away from him as seeing him so broken didn’t sit well with me, “He makes me feel like no one else.”

“And I couldn’t do that?” He whispered quietly; eyes trained on the kitchen floor.

“No.” I muttered, gulping and taking a deep breath, “Tell Jihoon I’m sorry if we woke him up and that I’m sorry I couldn’t properly say goodbye, but maybe we’ll see each other from time to time. Next time dinner will be on me, if I see him.”

Soonyoung sniffed once and then looked up and nodded, walking past me. I watched him as he reached inside his jacket’s pocket and pulled out multiple keys. He detached one set and turned around, walked up to me and placed the keys in my hands. The keychain, the little turtle that I gifted him in our first year of college, broke my heart. I looked up at Soonyoung with teary eyes and he was quick to hug me. His chest rocked as he buried his head in my shoulder and I returned the tight hug, feeling my own tears rolling down my cheeks. This hurt a lot more than when he told me had a girlfriend. My lungs were heaving for oxygen and no matter how deeply I tried to breathe it wasn’t working. It was more painful, because we were saying goodbye to each other. To a friend of a lifetime, to a secret lover, to someone who meant to world to us at one point. And that was more painful than realizing we were in love and thinking the other wouldn’t return it.

“Maybe—maybe when—we have sorted things out—we could be—friends again.” Soonyoung said between sniffles, rubbing my back up and down.

“Maybe.” I whispered, unsure if there was reconciling from this one. Maybe there was, maybe there wasn’t.

“Stay healthy for me, please?” I muttered into Soonyoung’s shoulder as I took in his scent for the last time. The scent that brought so much comfort and pain at some point in my life. A scent I associated once with home.

“Yeah…just, be happy.” Soonyoung was the first to pull away, eyes red as he looked me over. I offered him a sad smile, clearing my throat and cleaning my face of the tears.

“Bye.” I called out quietly and Soonyoung gulped before he gripped my wrist and pressed a painful kiss against my lips.

“Bye.” Yet he still managed to smile, that smile that was so contagious and lit up a whole room. I returned it, but only half heartedly as I left Soonyoung and Jihoon’s apartment, leaving my best friend and the feeling behind. It felt liberating in a way, like the final weight was lifted too, like I could fly up high in the sky again.

The door that opened for Joshua in my heart before, was wide open now. Ready to be filled with Joshua and Joshua only.

[fakeloveaskblog]

Janus, have you and Remus hung out other then when you go to fake therapy? You should ask him out? Keep it open, maybe not outright ask him for a date but to hang out!

(Words: 2140)

Janus: "Oh you know me anon. I am so totally known for asking people to hang out. Yes me and Remus have been eeeverywhere together /s No we have never hung out.......But I suppose you have been very wise so far. So I shall try and go ut of my comfort zone and ask him he would like to spend time together"

They were in that same spot they always stood after the fake therapy. Where they were supposed to part ways. Remus had his phone out, checking the bus times. Janus knew he had to say something now or else yet another week would pass and he would never have the courage to ask.

"Do ehm is you- fuck-" Janus wanted to smash his head open on a rock. He was a idiotic mess who couldn't even say a simple sentence.

"What?" Remus looked at him with a smile. Jan swore he had specifically practiced that smile so it made him melt internally every single time.

"Do you maybe possibly have anything to do today?"

"Oh yeah all booked up with exorcising demons out of old ladies' houses. you know how it is!" He let out a short screechy laugh "Come on Snakey y'know I don't have a job or any plans on robbing banks right now. Of course I'm free!"

"Noted. Then I am totally not asking you to perhaps do something like going to the movies?"

Remus' eyes widened and he shone up into a huge toothy smile "YES!" He grabbed Janus' hand while flapping with his other hand "You gotta be psychic or something! I've been wanting to see this movie made by a director I'm hyperfixating on but I didn't wanna go alone and my sister is still out of town SO this is great!!"

He didn't waste another second. He dragged Janus with him as he began to very quickly walk while continuing to stim.

All Janus could do was stare at their hands. Their palms pressed against each other. His love's thumb brushing up and down his skin. He had never been happier over forgetting his gloves at home.

His cheeks stayed rosy red the entire walk. It was like walking on air. He didn't even realize Remus was still speaking until they got the cinema.

"-And that's why I thought it would have been better if the hamster had died!" He concluded.

".............Fascinating" Janus replied hoping it was a good answer.

"I know right!"

He looked down and realized they were still holding hands. His happy expression instantly dropped as he let go of Janus like he was made of fire.

"Oh fuck buckets! I should have asked if you were okay with like ehhh touch beforehand! Now you're gonna cut my head off!" Remus gasped out.

"Indeed, I do now hate you and I have already hired an assassin to kill you" Janus replied sarcasticly "It's okay, I promise"

Remus let out a breathe of relief in the most cartoon balloon leaking air way possible. "Neat!"

It was 3 pm on a Thursday so there weren't any people in line. Remus didn't even give his friend a chance to pay for his own ticket. He also got a big ass popcorn and a bag of eyeball candies.

He dumped the snacks into the arms of Janus as his eyes caught on a poster on the wall advertising another movie. He jumped up and down while pointing at it, like the excitement was too much to be contained in his body.

"It's my sister! She told me she would be in this one!" The poster didn't show the actresse's face since she had on a cloke to look dark and myserious (tm) "That's her I swear on the last human tooth I have!"

"I believe you. You could be her perfect stunt double"

Remus shoot his arms out "That's what I've been saying too!!! You really are a psychic! Being a stunt double is literally the dream job! I get to pretend to be killed in so many ways! I get to jump off of buildings!! Sadly she mostly does dramas and romances and all that boring stuff"

"Well I for one would love seeing you get stabbed on film" He held his hand over his heart as he said it.

"Omg snakey!! Thank you!! Means a lot!"

He had that wide smile on his lips again. Janus wished he was able to make him smile like that every day.

"Oh the movie is starting soon! Ahhhh exciting! Horror really is the best genre!"

Janus paled "Horror?"

"Yeah! I told you all about the movie on the way here remember? You're okay with horror right?"

"O-Of course! I have watched halloween alien on elm street like 5 times!" He lied.

Remus chuckled "Sure sounds like it"

They went into the screening room. Ads were running on the big screen. They were the only ones there. Remus found their seats right at the back in a corner. He sat down and triumphantly put his feet on the seat in front of him.

"Look at that snakey! We've got the whole room to ourselves! Only...."

His eyes suddenly stopped and shifted to stare out into air. His happy expression slowly disappeared leaving a hollow look on his face. He moved his legs up to his chest and sat completely still.

".....Only us......"

Janus slumped down in the seat next to his. Remus leaned away in his seat so he was further from his friend.

"Indeed. I could poison you and no one would be here to stop me. But I won't...yet" He hoped a joke would make his love lighten up again.

Remus forced a halfhearted smile "Sure that"

The movie started. Janus was already stress eating popcorn from fear by the time the first scene had ended. Which only made him even more stressed over making Remus think he was a fat gluttonous disgusting mess! Which he was! But he didn't want him to know that!!

Whenever he glanced over to Remus he looked just the same, As if the movie was fucking mamma mia or something.

He didn't want to seem unclassy and close his eyes like a 5 year old so he tried to comb his hair in front of his eyes instead. He couldn't stop his racing heartbeat or his unsteady hands though. He didn't do well to loud sounds. Or screaming voices.

He jumped in his chair at an extra gory scare. The popcorn landed all over his body. His cheeks went red enough to be mistaken for a ladybug.

Remus glanced over at him "You don't have to hide that you're scared y'know. The audience reaction is like half the fun"

"Me? Scared? I haven't felt scared since I buried a body in 1967! This is just how I show my appreciation for movies!" He blurted out the lie in a panic.

His love threw his head back as he let out a loud laugh. He couldn't stop as he buried his head in his hands. His shoulders moved in rhytm to his giggles. It seemed to calm his nerves a bit.

"Holy shit snakey that was such a horrible lie! You're such a dork! I say that with affection I promise"

Janus couldn't help but chuckle along "Dork actually means something really dirty. I know since I was practically married to my dictionary when I was youn-"

"WHALE PENIS! I know!! You're the first one who also knows!"

"I suppose that means we're soulmates now" Janus couldn't help but say it.

"Penis soulmates!"

Janus sighed "Yes"

In the movie a man's torso was ripped from his body. Remus flapped his hands. Janus let out a quiet whimper.

"I could infodump a bit if that would make you less scared"

Janus leaned closer to respond but Remus instantly flinched back. He made sure to keep keeping his distance "I would love to hear"

He shone up into a smile. It wasn't quite as carefree and happy as the other ones but it was still his smile and Janus had caused it. It made him feel warm.

He started rambling about the director's other movies and how the themes tied in with this movie. About how the director had studied to be a doctor so he know enough about biology to make all of the gore extra realistic. About how the movie soundtrack's added to the scare even though they were often silly. All while stimming. Sometimes he went quiet to focus on the film while Janus curled in on himself and closed his eyes.

Honestly Janus could have heard him go on for hours but sadly the movie eventually ended. And they eventually got out of the cinema. And eventually the snacks the shared while sitting on a bench outside also ended. And the conversation died out.

It was only around 5 pm but the sky had already started to darken. The streetlamps were getting lit one by one, and a few people were standing in line for the next movie. Janus feared having to say goodbye.

Luckily he didn't have to as Remus quietly asked "Could you like follow me home? The apartement is only 15 minutes and a minor murder spree away"

"Of course!" He replied a bit too excitedly.

He made sure to not walk too close as to not make him flinch again. Remus started to subconsciously hymm on a song after some time of silence. Janus couldn't stop feeling over the moon at the fact that he was hanging out with someone! And he seemed to like him!! And he was in love with him no less!!!

"Snakey I think I gotta admit something kinda dorky-"

"Is it the murder in 1967? We've all been there"

"Actually it was in 1987. Okay but really.....The only friends I've ever really had has been my sister and my ex, and some online friends here and there I guess but we lost contact really quickly. What I mean is that I'm really rusty on this whole friend thing and I'm just glad that you don't get annoyed by my infodumping or stimming or....or the whole me!"

Janus' eyes widened and he slowly let up into a laugh "Oh! Oh I have been so worried for nothing then! I've never had any friends, at all! This was literally the first time I ever went to a movie with another person! We're the same!"

Remus giggled "We really are penis soulmates!"

"I am begging you to not let that become a thing"

"Too late! It already is! We're both friendless dorks you motherfucker!! Of course we're penis soulmates!"

Janus sighed "I am suddenly so glad we are close to your place so I can get away from you.....That was a lie"

Remus lightly punched his shoulder "Better be. Or else I'd have to kidnap you!"

He stopped in front of a series of building of obviously quite glamorous apartements. Janus was honestly starting to wonder if he had a sugar daddy and or sold drugs. Or else he had no idea how he could afford all of this.

They stopped right in front of the entrance. Remus crossed his arms and leaned against the wall. Janus fiddled with his sleeves. Neither of them wanted to say goodbye.

Janus shuly glanced at his love's face. His birtmarks which he so wanted to press kisses to. His fluffy hair he would love to nuzzle into. His full lips which he thought about running his finger over every time he looked at them. He was beautiful. Just beautiful.

"Sooo....I guess I will either see you in hell or in fake therapy next week?" Remus asked.

"For sure"

He awkwardly opened the door "Well I will see you then then!" He did fingerguns "Bye penis soulmate!"

Janus rolled his eyes while waving "Bye.....phallus companion!"

The door closed and he was left in the silence. It took a few second and then

"YES! OH I did it! I survived! Aphrodite would be so proud of me!!"

Janus had to sit down. He was going to explode. He couldn't stop moving his hands around. He was going to pass out. He had never been happier. He deserved a whole soup bowl of ice cream.

He took off his beanie to drag his hand through his hair. He felt breathless from happiness as he stared up at the sky. He had never felt more in love.

He looked at where he imagined you would stand if you had a corporeal body.

"So I suppose your advice worked quite well. It did sound like he wanted to hang out again...So anon....or whatever voice that is in my head that asks me things......Do you have any suggestions on what we should do on our next hangout?"

[old-hyper-super-clover]

Omoi yo Hitotsu ni Nare

Feelings, become One

Part 1 of 2

Writer's block is being rough on me, so the only thing I was able to create lately was a short story of my MC Clover and Leviathan. It shows their adorable friendship as they experience an idol live show together.

Enjoy 🧡

One evening, the demon of Envy, Leviathan, made his way to the human exchange students' room. The human girl Clover had borrowed a manga from him, but it happened that Levi needed that exact book right now.

As he was strolling through the hallways, finally he reached the door, so he knocked like a polite creature before coming in.

"Hey" Levi called out into the room. "I need that Ruri-chan manga back for a sec. Some idiot Normie posted stupid fake information on the fanclub's Devcord server and is not believing me when I tell him he's wrong, so I need screenshots to prove what a fake fan he is lolol."

As he had been more eyeing his D.D.D. than paying attention to his surroundings, he only noticed at the end of his comment that a pair of unpleasantly surprised eyes were staring back at him. Levi raised his eyebrows, puzzled, looking back at Clover sitting on her bed, only being illuminated by the small lamp on her bedside table.

Just so making out her reddened eyes, paired with how she was hugging her legs, the demon immediately understood that she was crying.

"C... Clover?"

"A-ah, Levia-tan..." she mumbled, quick to put away the used tissue in her hand. Sniffling shortly, she sprung up in the next moment, walking over to her desk. "I didn't get to read this chapter yet, so I'd like to have it back after you've shown that peasant what a real Ruri stan looks like..."

Handing him the manga, Clover put on a very unconvincing smile.

Unsure how to react, Levi took the book but kept giving her a worried look. "Are you... okay?"

The girl only gave a nod.

"B-because you look, uhm..." Levi could have punched himself for being so bad at social interactions. "Were you crying just now?"

A flash of panic crossed Clover's face, but in the end, she assured him she was fine.

"It's embarrassing but I was, uh, crying over a stupid video. So nothin' to worry about, really!"

Holding the door open, she kind of gestured for him to make his leave, so Levi stepped out into the corridor again.

"Now go get that loser's ass", she cheered, but as she closed the door, Levi caught a tiny glimpse of the frown that was forming on her face.

The demon had planned to go back into his room, yet somehow he found himself in the kitchen instead. Turning his head to the fridge, he spotted Beelzebub head-deep in the ingredients for tomorrow's lunch.

Levi's younger brother noticed his presence when Levi let out a troubled sigh.

"Huh? Levi?" Beel shot him a glance. "Are you hungry, too?"

"Like there would even be anything left for me to eat!" Levi hissed, mustering how Beel's cheek were filled to the brim like those of a hamster. "No, I..." He let out another sigh. "Did something happen to Clover? She seemed really down just now and behaved all weird."

In an instant, Beel stopped his scavenging and closed the fridge to turn towards his brother.

"So you think so, too..." Beel said. "I noticed it when we returned home from RAD today, so I wanted to cook something to cheer her up."

Levi let out a huff. "Doesn't look like you had success in doing that..."

However putting his sarcasm aside, he asked whether Beel knew any reason for Clover's sadness.

"I think she had some stressful days" Beel explained, scratching his head as he actually began to prepare said food. "She had a lot of projects to hand in for her additional courses lately. And it seems the grades she got weren't quite what she expected. Or what she deserved for the amount of work she put in, honestly."

Nodding to himself, Levi indeed remembered that the human girl had been working until late recently. He crossed his arms. "But their grades aren't really that important to the exchange students, right? There's no need to cry over that."

For a while, they remained silent, listening to the veggies sizzling in the frying pan.

Then, Beel spoke up again.

"You know how she is" he said. "She was very passionate about it, and now beats herself up for not doing well enough."

Frowning, Levi narrowed his gaze. "But then why didn't she tell me about it? I thought we were friends..."

Beel had returned to the fridge, originally to grab the next ingredients, but ended up stuffing half of that into his own mouth.

"I thought you of all would understand her reasoning the best" he grumbled into the fridge.

"Huh? What do you mean?"

So Beelzebub shot him another look.

"Aren't you afraid of people thinking low of you, too?"

That evening, Beelzebub continued to take care of the human girl. He had managed to cook her a delicious meal and stayed with her to watch some movies.

Levi was amazed to see how easily his brother had managed to lift her spirits. Overall, it had surprised him to hear how well Beel knew about her feelings in the first place.

But what troubled Levi the most were Beel's last words before he had knocked on Clover's door:

"She'll probably stay this sad for longer. It would be great if you could help, too."

The next day, the avatar of Envy didn't feel like gaming at all. He forced himself to do his daily log-ins to his thirty-ish online games, but his mind kept wandering off to the happenings of the last evening.

Why would anyone think low of Clover because of school grades? Why would she be that sad, even if she put a lot of work into it?

She was his confidant. His friend. That alone meant she had to be a person worthy of one's time.

So... Why would someone like her ever worry about not being good enough?

Lying in his bed/bathtub/really-unsuited-sleeping-spot, Levi bit his lip.

He understood what Beel had meant now. The more he tried to understand Clover, the more he spiralled into self-loathing, toxic thoughts that he knew all too well himself.

And just the thought that Clover might be pained by this nonsense made him so angry that he couldn't focus on anything else than searching for a way to cheer her up.

Grumbling and brainstorming, his messy thoughts suddenly saw a spark of hope when he read a notification on his D.D.D.:

'Aqours 4th LoveLive! ~ Sailing to the Sunshine ~ -- Tickets for sale NOW!!'

Eyes wide, he had this hesitation of "that's too good to be true" when his thumb lowered to press the "see more" button.

But the second after, his otaku mode activated. Baving opened his five favourite websites for booking concert tickets in an instant, Levi was determined to get two tickets for this live show...

Naturally, the period of buying tickets and the actual concert were painfully far apart.

At first, Leviathan wanted to keep it a secret that he had obtained two premium seats for the Aqours concert.

However, Clover's state seemed to worsen as time went by. New things kept piling on her head, and one disappointment set the requirements for her to fail whatever she aimed to do next. It might not seem that bad to others, but as someone who is struggling with his self-worth himself, Levi could guess that Clover's mindset had to be suffering more and more.

So one day, he decided to tell her about the tickets.

Spam-calling her until she would angrily stomp into his room, Levi was waiting for her, the tickets ready in his hands.

"Levia-tan, I'm BEGGING you, if I tell you 'I'll be there in a minute', please don't call me another fifteen times to make sure I wasn't ly-"

She went silent the second her eyes landed on the tickets.

The demon couldn't hide a cheeky grin.

"You were supposed to hurry, Normie" he mocked. "Feeling your concert tickets the second they're out of the printer is a NECESSITY!"

Clover wouldn't respond.

In all honesty, she COULDN'T respond.

Every time she opened her mouth, she was too baffled to press out a single tone.

"Here, this is yours" Levi said as he handed her one ticket. "It's still long until the day of the live show, so make sure to keep this somewhere safe! Ah, you know, actually... If you store the ticket in your room, Mammon might find it and sell it, so it might be for the best if I keep your ticket here with mine... C-Clover?!"

The girl had taken hold of the ticket, staring at it while Levi was rambling. But she had puzzled him when suddenly, tears were dropping on the piece of paper.

"I-is... Is this for real...?" Clover asked with an incredibly thin voice.

"W-wah..." Levi panicked, softly tugging the ticket out of her shaking hands. "It's all wet now... But I guess I can just print it out a second time..."

"Am I... really... going to... Japan...? To... a live show of... of A-aqours...?" Clover asked with a trembling lip.

"You bet!" Levi cheered. "I've been trying to get these tickets for HOURS! It was really tough, but you should never underestimate my Otaku skills!"

"I've... I've always dreamed of... experiencing a live show in person..." Clover continued to mumble. "And now you're being... So kind... What did I do to deserve this..."

Grabbing his phone, Levi tapped on his messenger app to show her something else.

Confused, Clover was looking at Levi's chatroom with Solomon. In his own excitement, Levi had to tell it before Clover could finish reading.

"And don't worry about the language issues. You'll be able to understand it all!" He babbled. "Solomon will do his best to mix you a potion to help with that! See it as subtitles, but send directly into your brain lolol."

The demon grinned from ear to ear,

and, well, expected that the human would do the same...

Or at least, he really didn't expect for her to suddenly burst into loud sobbing, pressing her hands against her face as she couldn't stop crying.

"O-oh..." All colour left Levi's face at once. "Are... Uhm... Are you not happy?"

Looking back and forth between her, the tickets and his phone, he was frantically trying to figure out the reason for her outburst.

His heart broke into pieces as his own toxic mind gave him an answer.

"Oh..." Levi pressed out. "I didn't ask you if you even want to go there if it's with me..." Now he felt really stupid. In all his preparation and anticipation, he forgot what a yucky creature he was. "Uh... I guess... I mean I can understand if you don't want to, it must be really embarrassing to go outside with someone like me, so, y-you can... take someone else along i-if that will make you stop crying... I was looking forward to it, but making you smile again was my utmost priority, so I would... You can... go with, like, Beel or som-"

"L-levia-tan?" Clover suddenly pressed out, not looking up though.

"Y-yes? Are you mad at m-"

"Can I hug you?"

"... Eh?"

"P-please...!" Clover's head shot upwards as she met him with a pleading, crying face. "I d-don't know how to respond to this... this wonderful gesture... I'm..." Not able to hold herself, she engulfed Levi in an embrace.

"I'm so happy..." Clover sobbed into his shoulder. "Thank you so much... Levi..."

Now Levi was the one at loss for words. With cheeks painted a bright pink, he awkwardly wrapped his arms around her body.

"S-so... You're okay with going with... with me?"

"Of course! I'm flattered that you'd even thought of inviting me..." The girl pressed out, slowly letting go of him.

And finally, a grin was spreading on her face again."Please teach me everything I need to know about lives, Levia-sensei!"

The sight was so contagious that Levi was smiling himself.

"Yes! Leave it to me!!"

For the following weeks, the two of them spent huge parts of their free time preparing for the live show.

Leviathan taught Clover all there is to know about using glowsticks: from the shaking technique that destroys your arms and wrists the least, to ultra orange glowstick usage and cycloning. They listened to Aqours' songs so much that at some point Clover remembered all their lyrics perfectly despite not even speaking the language. Additionally, they looked into older live shows to learn where the crowd would engage in which kind of chanting.

"Waah, no, I can't that part of the first live show... I'll cry, Levia-tan...!" Clover had whined.

"Ah, do you mean the performance of 'Omoi yo Hitotsu ni Nare'? Where Rikyako messed up her piano play?"

"Yes... It was so brave that she learned playing piano from scratch just for that song... But then the poor girl was so stressed, messed up and started sobbing... That part just kills me, especially when the rest who were performing the dance came to comfort her... Ugh I love them all so muuuuch..."

The house of Lamentation was glad to see the human girl had regained her joyful energy. Even if, after a few weeks, their patience was being put under the test...

To give a short input:

When greeting the audience at the beginning of the live show, each idol introduces themselves and engages in a unique call and response with the crowd to get everyone pumped.

And so one day, Levi went to Clover saying this:

"We also need to practice our responses to their character introductions! From this day onwards, I will randomly initiate one of the girls' calls, and you have to respond correctly!"

So... Yeah. The other inhabitants of the house didn't quite understand what any of those "Ganbarubyyyy"s or sudden "BUU BUU DESU-WA"s meant, but eventually, even they remembered some of the call & responses.

... Just that not everyone was so amused by the whole ordeal as Leviathan seemed to be.

Not when Clover was preparing breakfast with Satan in a great hurry (because SOMEONE ate what they had prepared earlier...).

You can imagine that, when already stressed out, Satan wasn't really happy over his older brother dashing into the room, shouting a random "KAN KAN" from the top of his lungs.

"Mikan!" Clover had correctly responded, however quiet as she was fully aware of Satan's anger level.

However, as this particular call & response repeated three times, Levi continued to animate the human girl, going once again even louder: "KAN KAN!"

"M-mikan..."

"Come on, I can't hear you... KAAAAN, KAAA-"

He couldn't finish his chanting as Satan had thrown a devil-blood orange right into his face with such force that it pulled Levi off his feet.

"HERE, HAVE YOUR FUCKING MIKAN AND LEAVE!!"

[Mikans are small, japanese oranges (´ ∀ ` *)]

Finally, the day of the concert had come.

Asmodeus had made it his mission to plan Clover's outfit so she'd be as "dazzling as the girls on stage". Levi had been prompting her to go with comfortable, practical clothes instead, so they had to find a middle where neither of them would complain.

Once all done, some of the brothers came to muster the soon leaving duo.

"Hm... Are you sure you don't want to put on any make up, darling?" Asmo asked Clover after doing his final check.

"Absolutely. I will be in tears the second Aqours' enters the stage, so there's no point in that."

Standing in the doorframe, the avatar of Greed gave a huff.

"Isn't that skirt a bit too short? And that whole outfit... No, you can't go out like this."

"Huh?" Clover turned to him in confusion. "Why not?"

"It's way too eye-catching!" He grumbled. "What if some filthy human makes a move on you?"

The girl gave a slight chuckle. "I go to school with incubi and succubi, Mammon. I think compared to that the human world should be pretty safe."

"B-but...!" Mammon wanted to protest, but Beelzebub covered his brother's mouth to silence him.

"I think you look cute" He beamed Clover an encouraging smile. "But be careful nonetheless. Levi, take care of her."

"Y-yes! I will!"

-- to be continued in part two --

[mindfulmcgivern]

20 Ways to Slow Down & Enjoy the Things that Matter

“For fast-acting relief, try slowing down.” — Lily Tomlin

Living a simple life is about taking the foot off the accelerator so you have the time to take a deep breath and appreciate the view.

Recently, I was in a book shop looking for some inspiration and a new book to read. After much indecision I found myself drawn to a book called “SLOW” by Brooke McAlary.

The beautiful crafted front cover grabbed my attention with 3 simple words: “Live life simply”.

Now the books in my hands had me hooked and excited to look inside. What sealed the deal and got the purchase over the line was a letter on page one from Brooke to the world. She wrote:

“Dear Mr and Mrs Jones,

I am writing to inform you of my withdrawal from the race to keep up with you. It has come to my attention that prolonged attempts to compete with you have been detrimental to my health, my bank account, my self-confidence and my ability to feel content. This is a price I am no longer willing to pay”.

I digested this 264 page book in less than a week.

The message of slowing down and simplifying life was something I have been striving towards for some time.  Reading Brooke’s journey reminded me the journey so far has been 100% worthwhile.

Similar to Brooke’s story, I got to a point where I didn’t want to feel I was competing with everyone around me. I wanted a life on my terms that offered balance. I didn’t want to feel like the running hamster on that ever turning wheel of life. Over time I feel I have achieved that vision.

What about you?

You will never get a Better Opportunity to Embrace a Slower Pace of life than Now!

With the consequences of Covid-19 the pace of life has dramatically slowed overnight. People have literally stopped running from one engagement to the next. Staying at home has become the new normal.

Demands have diminished. Daily routines have been interrupted. We suddenly have time.

What can we do with that time?

We have the opportunity to slow down.

Covid-19 is slowing the pace of life down all around the world. We virtually can’t go faster, so why not ease back and find a way how to enjoy what life can offer.

While the impact of the pandemic has been tough on our lives and mental wellbeing the enforced slowing down has many benefits worth exploring.

Remember when we would say, “I wish I had more time to do other things other than just work”. Well- guess what? You can!

The current moment offers a unique chance to push back against the cult of speed and to continue life in a slower, more meaningful way.

 Life before Covid-19

Before Covid-19 we had created a frantic lifestyle in which not a minute was wasted. The 24 hours of each day was carved up, dissected, and reduced to 10-minute blocks of efficiency.

·         We become agitated in the doctor’s surgery waiting for more than 5 minutes.

·         We grew frustrated with never ending traffic congestion.

·         We became annoyed by the supermarket lines.

·         We took our smartphones with us on holiday.

·         We would go through our emails at restaurants

·         We attended to our online bank accounts while walking in the park.

We had become slaves to our “urgent” appointments and to-do lists. Life was about speed.

An example of how the speed of our lives was increasing was conducted in the U.K by the University of Hertfordshire. Their study found the walking speed of pedestrians in 34 cities around the world had increased by 10% from 1995 to 2005.

What Does a Slow Living Lifestyle Really look like?

Sloww.co defines slow living as a conscious choice to push back against the state of constant busyness and “time poverty.” It’s an approach to life that emphasises balance and simplicity.

The lifestyle focus embraces :

·         Reflection and mindfulness

·         Savouring of lifes unique moments

·         Pacing activities rather than rushing

·         Connection with ourself and the world around us

·         Finding a life of purpose and meaning

·         Discovering a flow like state with everything we do

 Finding the Real you

Through the years of speed and busyness did you have those moments when you imagined this perfect time when you could be still and do the things you loved when you were younger?

Did you crave the opportunity to just be?

This restoration of our inner selves is the part of us that shouts out from afar. It’s the part of us that images, dreams and wants to question who we are and what is important?

We have been living too fast. We have sold our inner selves to the devil of speed, efficiency, money, hyper-connectivity, “progress.”

When we have the chance, like we do now, to slow and listen to our inner self we start to hear the breathing of our spirit. The awareness of those breaths shows us a way of living that releases us from being a prisoner of a hectic lifestyle. We are no longer held captive by the world around us.

What Slow Living isn’t

It’s useful to gain some perspective around the idea of slowing living and simple living.

What does it mean?

A good starting point is to understand what slow living isn’t.

An article called, “Slow Living 301: How to Start a Slow Living Lifestyle,” offers some great insights into breaking down perceived perceptions around slow living. Quoting the author Kyle Kowalski, she writes:

·         Slow living is about doing everything as slowly as possible: This is definitely one of the biggest misperceptions. Slow living is not about living your life in slow motion. It’s about doing everything at the right speed and pacing instead of rushing. Slow living isn’t about losing time by going slowly; it’s about gaining time by doing the things that are most important to you.

·         Slow living is the same as simple living: The theme was that you can live simply but not slowly, and you can live slowly but not simply. I’ve found that simple living is more focused on things (materialism, consumption, etc) and slow living is more focused on time (energy, balance, etc). Some of us choose to take the best of both worlds and live slowly and simply—think of it like a Venn diagram where there’s some overlap in the middle.

·         Slow living is about doing and being less: I read an article where the author said she was giving up slow living because she was “losing my identity.” While slow living eliminates the non essentials from your life, the intent is to free up time so you can be more.

·         Slow living is anti-technology: Slow living isn’t about traveling back in time. It’s about using technology as a tool instead of technology using you.

 Step 1: Where do we start?

Lifestyle habits do not change easily. There will always be some form of resistance to do things differently.   There needs to be a conscious effort to uncover our priorities and what inspires us in life if we want things to change.   The only way we can begin to uncover what change looks like for us is by questioning “WHY?”

What is important? What benefits are there to gain by changing to a slower simpler living lifestyle?

In her book “SLOW,” Brooke McAlary acknowledges the importance of understanding “Why?” She writes:“Having and knowing my Why helps me decide what actions to take”.

Through the process of discovery we will find our reason for wanting/needing to embrace a slower simpler life. It will establish our foundation that will support on the journey, especially when we may be confronted with doubt.

STEP 2: Unearthing what a slower simplified approach to life looks like.

What can we do to make life easier?

You may have found that the last few months have given you more time to think and reflect on what’s really important to you. When we slow down, we are more likely to gain value from the smaller things in our everyday existence. Simplifying our lives helps create unlimited possibilities for personal growth

For me I have found tapping into creativity has become a valued and rewarding new habit. With the extra time now available I am inspired to try writing blogs like the one you are reading now. I do not profess to be any good; yet it offers me an outlet to slow down and enjoy.

I look for nothing other than happiness from the process. It gives me a sense of direction and purpose I did not have before.

What are some changes you can make in your lifestyle to simplify your life?

20 Ways to Slow Down and Find Simplified Life

Sometimes we need a little inspiration to point us in the right direction.

If you need some great ideas how to transform your life, by choosing less, I highly recommend Leo Babauta at ‘Zen Habits’. A prolific blogger who offers some cool concepts we all can try to slow down and enjoy life:

1. Do less. It’s hard to slow down when you are trying to do a million things. Instead, make the conscious choice to do less.

2. be present. It’s not enough to just slow down — you need to actually be mindful of whatever you’re doing at the moment. That means, when you find yourself thinking about something you need to do, or something that’s already happened, or something that might happen … gently bring yourself back to the present moment. Focus on what’s going on right now.

3. Disconnect. Don’t always be connected. Being connected all the time means we’re subject to interruptions. We’re constantly stressed about information coming in; we are at the mercy of the demands of others. It’s tough to slow down when you’re always checking new messages coming in.

4. Focus on people. Too often we spend time with friends and family, or meet with colleagues, and we’re not really there with them. We talk to them but are distracted by devices. We are there, but our minds are on things we need to do. We listen, but we’re really thinking about ourselves and what we want to say. Just try being 100% there for the other person.

5. Appreciate nature. Take the time to go outside and really observe nature. Exercise outdoors when you can, or find other outdoor activities to enjoy such as nature walks, hiking, etc.

6. Learn to Eat slower. Be mindful of each bite. Appreciate the flavours and textures. Just focus on that one activity. No book, no phone.

7. Drive slower. Make it a habit to slow down when you drive. Appreciate your surroundings. Make it a peaceful time to contemplate your life, and the things you’re passing.

8. Find pleasure in chores. This is related to being present. Whatever you’re doing, be fully present. For example, when washing dishes, instead of rushing through it as a boring chore to be finished quickly, really feel the sensations of the water, the suds, and the dishes. It can really be an enjoyable task if you learn to see it that way. The same applies to other chores — washing the car, sweeping, dusting, laundry — and anything you do.

9. Single-task. Focus on one thing at a time. When you feel the urge to switch to other tasks, pause, breathe, and pull yourself back.

10. Breathe. When you find yourself speeding up and stressing out, pause, and take a deep slow breath. By fully focusing on each breath, you bring yourself back to the present, and slow yourself down. Next time you get into your car take a moment to take three deep breathes before turning on the engine.

11. Know what’s Important. The simple version of simplifying is “Identify what’s important, and eliminate the rest.” So take time to identify the most important things in your life.

12. Say No to Extra Commitments. Now that you’ve identified what’s important, you need to start saying “No” to things that aren’t on your important list.

13. Limit Tasks. Each morning, list your 1-3 most important tasks. Limiting your tasks helps you focus, and acknowledges you’re not going to get everything done in one day.

14. Carve out Un-distraction Time. When are you going to do your most important work? Schedule it with a block of time (1 hour, 2 hours, 3 hours, whatever works for you). Make this your most sacred appointment. Just do the most important task, then the next one if you have time.

15. Slow Down. We rush through our days, almost in a single frenetic anxiety-filled non-stop movement. Instead, slow down. Life won’t collapse if you aren’t rushing from task to task, email to email. You can pause, take a moment to reflect, smile, and enjoy the current task before moving on.

16. Create Space. We cram our tasks and meetings together, and leave no spaces between them. The space between things is just as important as the things themselves. Leave a little space between meetings, even tasks. Take a break. Enjoy the space.

17. Give yourself time to get ready and get there. If you’re constantly rushing to appointments in an anxious state, it’s because you haven’t allowed enough time.

18. Practice being comfortable with doing nothing. One thing I’ve noticed is that when people have to wait, they become impatient or uncomfortable. Try standing in line and be patient.

19. Realize that if it doesn’t get done, that’s OK. There’s always tomorrow. The world likely won’t end if you don’t get that task done today.

20. Get in touch with your Creativity. Tap into your artistic side.

 What Does the Future look like Beyond Covid-19

We all will at some point emerge from the restrictions imposed by Covid-19. Therefore, it is essential we purposely try and maintain the lessons we have learnt and experienced from living a slower life.

We do not want to get suckered back on the merry go round of a fast paced life.

A recent research article by Giana Eckhardt and Katharina Husemann addresses this very point. ‘How to maintain a slower pace of life after lockdown,’ offers three key areas of focus:

1.       Slowing down your body

If possible, resist the urge to re-connect with fast modes of transport to get to and from work such as the bus and train.

Try to continue with slower methods of moving such as walking or cycling. Besides the physical benefits their research indicates a slower pace allows for a stronger connection for deep reflection between body and mind.

2.       Controlling your technology use

During lockdown, technology has been used to revitalize meaningful connections to those important to us. It has been beneficial reinforcing close connections around the world.

They urge us to continue these meaningful practices as you emerge from lockdown. This helps cultivate long lasting close communities, rather than shallow and short, relations with others.

 3.       Limiting your activities

During lockdown, activities and choices were limited such as fast food and dining experiences.

They remind to try and remember the feeling of making your own food, and sharing it with your household, rather than running back to eating out and on the go. As some form of normality resumes try to maintain practices like stopping work to eat your lunch in the middle of the day, and continue to take breaks, preferably with others and outdoors when you can.

  Moving Forward

At some point, Covid-19 will pass. There will be staggering loss and enormous economic devastation. That tragedy cannot be overstated. For years, we will be trying to rebuild the broken world. But perhaps the slower lifestyle in these months can help put the pieces back together. And perhaps a more contemplative, deliberate way of living can become permanent.

So how can we use the lessons of the last few months to rebalance our lives?

Could you spend a bit less time socialising?

Could you negotiate longer-term homeworking so you don’t lose time to commuting?

If you don’t practice being present, slowing down, enjoying the moment right now, when will you practice?

What are you practicing now instead?

Resetting boundaries around your time is key – try taking some control back and say ‘no’ to something if it doesn’t align with your new slower pace.

It could be meditation, a walk in a park, reading a book or simply having a slower morning. It doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it makes you happy and it’s something that allows you to remain calm and stress-free.

Don’t allow this major time in our lifetime go to waste. Purposely embrace a slower living simpler lifestyle.

What actions can you take to make a difference?

[nyxrsh]

An Unexpected Apology

AO3 link

Words :  2132

After the entire incident involving Papa Garou, Chat wants to express apology for having caused such troubles to Marinette. Seeing his raw sincerity, Marinette thinks why not and decides to let him do his thing. Not having expected him to make such a ridiculous video she is struck quite speechless and questions her sanity.

But really, Adrien joining up with him as if to prank her is not really fair.

Marinette breathed in the Parisian air. It had been long since she had last come up on her balcony to seek the company of the stars and the occasional horns blaring down the streets.

Things had gone back to the way they were before the entire incident with Papa Garou. It had taken Marinette a good amount of time to ensure her father that the ways things turned out to be were the best in the long run. And also that she was absolutely fine with them.

And now, looking at the stars from her balcony, all she could think about how much a dork her partner was. His sincerity and devotion to his job. It was a shame she was head over heels for Adrien.

“Hey Princess!”

Ah, speak of the devil.

“Hey Chat Noir! Fancy seeing you here.”

“Are trying to reference what I said earlier here?” He asked grinning.

“Sharp teeth, sharp eyes and sharp ears? Why grandma! Your actions look a bit suspicious to me. Care to tell me why?”

Chat laughed out loud.

“Can I be your company for the night if you’d be so kind?”

“Sure, yeah,” she said, “I wasn’t planning to do anything. You’re more than welcome here!”

Chat did a double roll, show off, and stood beside her. They looked at the stars together much like they had done so a few weeks back when Glaciator had struck their city. At least he wasn’t perched like a fucking bird on her railings today. And much like that day, it was Chat who ended up breaking the silence.

“Marinette, I am so sorry for what happened the other day,” he began slowly, “I-I’d admit I’m not the best in anything that involves social interaction-“

Marinette looked up to him. It was not very often she saw vulnerability on his face. Yet it never failed to touch her heart seeing such raw emotions on his face.

“-so I guess I never really considered what rejecting someone by saying ‘I’d date myself if I could’ could do.”

Marinette let out a snort. Leave it to Chat to be still worried about something like this.

“I don’t fault you for that Chat, I understand humour is your way of trying to be comfortable with your surroundings”

“It wasn’t even that! It took me hypothetically asking my best friend stuff for him to say how fucked up anyone saying that would be!”

“I-“, Marinette chuckled, “-would have absolutely paid to see that.”

“Hey!”

It took quite before Marinette could bring herself to be quiet again.

“Still,” Chat said, “I feel really bad for having put you through that situation.”

“I think we just established that it was okay.” She said pouting slightly.

Chat grinned. “But that would mean you’d miss out what I have in mind to make it up to you!”

“You don’t really have to do that Chat.”

“But I want to! I’ve thought this over way too much and yeah I want to do this, but only if you’d want me to. So,” he said putting his best impression of baby doll eyes, “what do you say Princess?”

“Hmmm,” she pretended thinking about his offer, mostly because it was funny seeing him start getting restless. She laughed and said, “Alright fine. But not anything over the top. Right Chat?”

“I wouldn’t give any promises Marinette! You’ve have to wait and see!” saying which he took out his baton and leapt away.

Marinette turned around smiling and went inside her room. She saw Tikki sitting on her head probably trying best to eavesdrop.

“What was that about?” Tikki asked.

“Oh it’s just Chat being Chat. Like, what’s the worst he can do, right?”

“Is this really how to plan to spend the weekend kid? You could have been stuffing on so much Camembert! But no!”

“Shut up Plagg, this is a genius idea! I’ve waited so long to do this with a genuine reason to show someone!”

“Yeah, because people wouldn’t immediately pelt you with stones if they saw you doing this on a normal day, right?

“Plagg,” Adrien pretended whining, “Why do you have to bum me out so much?”

“Someone has to put some sense into that dead head of yours.”

“Oh hush, now help me out with this camera.”

“Tikki?”

“Hmm?” She hummed while watching ‘A Bug’s Life’ on Marinette’s phone.

“Do you fancy the ladybug character or something? I swear it’s like the tenth time you are watching it again.”

“Firstly! His name is Francis, fucking respect him! And secondly, No!”

“I guess I’ll take your word for it.”

Marinette turned back to her latest project which would be a gift for Adrien’s fiftieth birthday! Hopefully she would be married to him by then, because it really wasn’t something she could give to someone without having their spouse accuse her of initiating an affair.

Hope could eventually pave the way for happiness.

Or that’s what Marinette has to chant at least ten times at night to herself so she could go to sleep without crying hoping to someday be acquainted with three lovely children and a hamster.

Suddenly a tapping noise came from her skydoor. Passing it off as just hail she turned towards the window to cherish the hailstorm without developing a pain in her neck. Before, however, she could take a step towards her window the sound of glass breaking reached her ear. As she whipped her head out of pure reflex, she saw a gloved hand, making the okay sign, retreat.

It at times paid to be so clumsy, because her parents weren’t currently rushing to see what the matter was. Well aware about their daughter’s rather graceful approach towards anything, they were probably on the way to break out the cash labelled as ‘fueling more disasters’.

Asking Tikki to hide and reminding her to take her earphones with her, she stomped with anger towards her balcony. Being careful not to accidentally cut herself with the broken glass, she slammed the door of the skydoor open.

“Why you little piece of-”

“Marinette!” Chat Noir beamed jumping up and down with excitement. “You wouldn’t believe what happened! It’s like a dream come true for me!”

Anger instantly dissipating just seeing his enthusiasm, Marinette said, “Slow your roll Chat! What’s up?”

“Remember when I said I wouldn’t hesitate to marry myself if I could?”

“Yeah and I am hoping you didn’t discover time travel to bring your past self to the present to get married.”

“Oh.” Chat slowed for a minute mumbling something which very much sounded like ‘shouldn’t have spent that juice to peep on Ladybug’.

Coming back to their conversation he said, “No but this is something even more awesome! While sure I can’t find people with the same level of awesomeness as me,” he winked and pointed his thumbs towards himself, “but you’d be pleased to know that I found someone very close to that! And damn Marinette, he’s such a good find.”

Marinette was highly doubtful of Chat’s claims. But Adrien’s fiftieth birthday was so far away and a good story, regardless of its authenticity, sounded pretty good to her. So she decided to humour him and asked him to go on.

“Right here-” he brought a pen drive out of his pocket, “is the recording of my marriage to someone who is definitely worthy of this piece of evidence that god exists.”

“I’m…” Marinette was at a loss for words. “Did someone really agree to do that?!”

“Now Marinette, being one of the superheroes of this city kind of shoots up my top bachelor ratings. The guy was practically begging me to not turn my proposal down by saying this was a prank!”

“No way.”

“Yes way!”

“And that’s the video?”

“I brought it just for you!”

Marinette wordlessly took the pen drive and made her way into her room motioning him to follow her as well. Chat Noir was absolutely at cloud nine which honestly made her feel apprehensive about looking at the video. As they reached her computer she started waving her arms in a certain manner to tell Tikki that she should absolutely see whatever the heck was happening. And like most times, she forgot that it probably seemed pretty weird to someone other than the two of them.

“Why are you dancing like a monkey? Is it like a ritual that you do to turn your computer on or something?”

Marinette pretended clearing her throat and sat down, “Let’s go with that.”

Chat sat on the other chair and rolled it a bit, looking around the room and commented, “I totally forgot you had all those pictures of him. It'd probably stress you out then”

“Oh right. That’s, yeah, a thing. And no Chat, nothing could ever.” She deflected not wanting to admit her crush to him. “So shall we?” she said clicking to play the video.

“This is going to be so fun!!” he said while bouncing on his seat.

‘A complete dork’ Marinette thought as she turned toward the screen.

A hand obstructed the leans. “Is this thing on?” a strangely familiar voice asked. As the hand was removed Chat Noir was visible on the screen in front of a rock climbing wall.

“Yeah babe, doing a fantastic job there!” He said to someone off-screen.

He looked towards the camera now, waving and said, “Well hi there! It’s a really special day for me today and it’s a wonder I haven’t cried yet.”

Dork.

“Today, this video, shows you how much I’ve developed as an individual. Since the beginning of my strange career, I have been very much in love with my beautiful partner. And fully realizing that she values our identities very much and doesn’t want to have any sort of romantic relationship with me, with a heavy heart I’ve decided to let her go. While she’ll always be in my heart-“

“Hey!”

“-as a well respected co-worker. Geez let me finish! So yeah I am moving forward. And here, today, is my marriage to my match! Honey would you-?”

“Sure sweetheart.”

And entering the screen was Adrien Agreste in his best suit with his hair slicked back looking good enough to eat.

What?! (But damn did he look good)

“Here ladies and gentlemen,” Chat said with so much love in his eyes, “my fiancé!” While we’re both aware we are still not legally eligible to marry legally we’ve decided to exchange rings today-“

“Hence promising our love for one another.” Adrien completed looking towards Chat with such a soft expression.

What the fuck?

“Honey can you get the rings I kept by the door for us?”

Adrien pecked his cheek and went to grab the rings.

Marinette slammed the pause button and looked towards Chat with anger oozing out her eyes, regretting not having killed him at first sight.

“You’re going to miss the main thing Marinette!” He beamed at her, loving her reaction to it, and resumed the video.

“I have probably cried buckets today,” Chat said, “for I had always dreamed about finding my true love. Today I’ve had what life was so cruel to not give me these few years-“

“Aw sweetheart,” Adrien cooed wrapping an arm around Chat, “I thought we agreed we’d let the video thing slid smoothly. Here!” he gave him the rings, “why don’t you go first, ‘kay?”

Chat looked like someone had gift wrapped him the stars. He nodded plucking a ring from Adrien’s outstretched hand and slowly slide the ring into his finger. After an exchange of a longing glance, Adrien did the same and the both of them started jumping with excitement.

“Can we-?”

“Sure honey, just let me end this real quick.” He turned towards the camera and said, “So here we have it folks, the union of the dashing Chat Noir and the handsome, beautiful Adrien Agreste. Please do not feel compelled to give us any gifts! We’re more than fine with your best wishes! Till next time!” He saluted.

The video ended. And so did Marinette's hospitality towards Chat Noir.

Marinette silently turned towards Chat. He seemed to be waiting for her reaction wearing the biggest smile on his face.

She promptly screamed at his face.

Chat fled not wanting be in the presence of her parents a second time while being the reason of the distress.

As the rushing of her parents downstairs and Chat’s attempt at a smooth flee registered in her brain, all Marinette could think of was skinning Chat Noir alive the next time she saw him. And definitely taking a holiday.

She didn’t ever think there’d come a day when she wanted to punch Adrien straight in the face. Yet here she was. At least he’d have totally deserved it.  

[catsbest-uk]

Dog and Cat getting used to each other -  Behaviour with other animals

HOW YOU CAN HELP YOUR CAT TO ACCEPT OTHER PETS

“Open-minded and sociable house cat seeks flatmate!”. A cat living together with other pets in a big patchwork family – Is that really possible or does this automatically lead to stressful situations?

A kitten is socialised as of the 4th week of its life. This usually happens together with their siblings, “single kittens” are merely the exception. During this period, they learn everything about feline social behaviour and are educated by both their mum and their siblings. If a cat has grown up in that kind of species-appropriate environment, it will still go hunting alone – but for the rest of the time it will happily engage with others. In that regard, cats are very sociable animals! They love the physical contact with other cats, they clean each other and play together – also, relaxing is far more enjoyable together than alone! 

In that case, who would be a desirable candidate for your cat`s “flat share”?

Who is the best company for your cat?

And which two would merely “eat each other up”?...

What animals get along with cats?

Every third German household keeps at least one pet, if not two or more.

Cats are the most common pets but they often share their habitat with other animals.

But which animals get along best?

If your cat is to get company, you need to choose carefully and check who they harmonise with best on a long-term basis – otherwise the new situation can become a burden to everyone involved.  

A future cohabitation of two or more animals should therefore be planned with care!

Cats and rodents

“You look so good I could eat you up!”

Cohabitation of rodents and cats – at least in their natural habitat – is at best short if non-existent: Any encounter can quickly take a dramatic turn! Eating or being eaten – since rodents are natural prey to cats, their life expectancy in case of an encounter is unfortunately rather limited. 

If hamsters, rats or mice share the living room with cats, you should definitely make sure that their cage is secured and safe to look at but not to touch…

Permanent lurking can otherwise turn into long-term stress for both parties involved.

Cats and birds

“Separate Tables” –  Spacial separation must be a given for the entire time the bird is spending outside of its cage. A few hours per day need to be reserved for them to fly and roam freely.

During that time, your cat should always be separated from them, because a bird will not keep circling close to the ceiling – at times it will land on the floor or furniture and take a rest.

No matter, how well your cat is socialised and even if it usually doesn’t pay any attention to the bird – this is too tempting a situation to withstand: “Isn’t something moving on the floor there and smelling really yummy?!”

This could mean that suddenly, the hunting instinct is back. Without further ado, the cat prepares to leap – and you can’t even blame it. 

If you can afford to give both species their needed habitat and space, this combination can still work. However, in a one-room-flat or studio, the challenge might be a little extreme for everyone involved.

Cats and rabbits

Grown rabbits normally don’t have problems with cats, given that they are not coming too close. This would quickly be perceived as too intrusive.

They would then try to withdraw – and if that is not possible or if they feel cornered, the rabbits will defend themselves, with force.  

Dwarf rabbit and rabbit kids still fit into the prey category for you cat – so be watchful during the hours your rabbits are running free. 

Do not leave them alone and unsupervised – even when they have grown up. An open door may tempt a saint...So make sure to create a surrounding for them where they can run free but are safe from your cat at the same time; especially when alone. 

Cats and dogs

“Like cat and dog” – means two that do not go together without tearing each other to shreds!!

Most proverbs contain some truth – so what is behind this one?

Cat and dog, living together in harmony – can we make this work? 

– Yes, we can!         

Depending on the individual character of the animals, some breeds actually have no problem with this at all – and if the animals have grown up together, everything should be fine in any case.

Though cats have learned to live with us, they preserve their hunting instincts nonetheless; and there are some dog species bred for hunting especially. But there are dog breeds that have a more sweet-tempered nature, even with cats who cross the line once in a while.

If cat and dog learn to read each other’s behaviour patterns early in life, friendships can be established that last for a lifetime.

Cats and cats

Normally, cats can get along with their own species. However, the “chemistry” must be just right!

It obviously makes it easier for them if they already know each other or even stem from the same litter. But don’t be fooled: Just like in human families, siblings also like the occasional tussle. However, serious fights are not to be expected here.  

If a kitten is integrated in a household with an older cat, make sure that the senior gets its rest once in a while. Even a teenager gets tired eventually – and many older cats are well capable of setting and protecting their boundaries.

A female cat might even consider adopting the little fellow!

It is in any case advisable to keep the cats apart in the beginning and to give them enough time to get to know each other. The hierarchy must be set and during this process, some fierce fighting can be expected. But not to worry – this matter is usually quickly settled. Just make sure to keep out of it and let them work it out among themselves.

As soon as the new order is established, the hatchet will be buried again quickly.

After choosing the animal

If you want to keep several animals but are not sure which one would be the best match, do not only follow your own wishes but also consider how much of a chance there is for the pets to get along with each other. 

What are the prospects for the new combination to become the future “dream team”? – This obviously entails that you consider upfront what kind of living conditions the cats require and if you are able to provide them. 

All animals living together in peace, like on Noah’s Ark – this would obviously be ideal.

But the reality often looks somewhat different and things can even get pretty dangerous!

If you are considering keeping animals of the same species together, make sure upfront that the chance for success is maximised by providing ideal conditions.

Previous experience with other pets

A basic prerequisite for harmony is that no negative experiences precede the encounter – if the animals connect only positive memories with their own species, half the job is done already!

In that case, there should be no fear of contact, as a basic tolerance already exists. But even here the rule applies: Every new animal needs to become part of the family.

And as each group has its own dynamics and rules, it requires sensitivity and patience to make the arrival easier for the newcomer. 

Cats who have had contact with other animals at a young age will usually have less problems with socialising, because a positive conditioning has already been established. 

Monitoring behaviour with other animals

If your cat has shown aggressive behaviour and general difficulties with accepting other animals, you should consider not bringing other pets��into the house. The same goes for easily stressed and frightened cats. 

If your cat has a strong hunting instinct, the addition of a smaller pet to the “cat-share” is an equally bad idea. 

Watch the body language and the size of the pupils! This scenario could quickly lead to permanent stress for both the animals and you – as you would not be able to leave them alone for one minute without having to fear for the worst. And with that being practically impossible, the catastrophe is virtually predestined.

The “prey” would have a very limited life expectancy…

Look for a good match

But even the most “dog-proof” cats won’t necessarily get along with ANY dog. 

The character of the pet is of the utmost importance!

An old cat may always have been getting along well with an elderly, white-snouted dog and may even have snuggled in front of the fire with it – but it wants nothing to do with the young puppy and its boisterous attacks!

Before, a wink of the eye was enough communication between cat and dog – the two were a well functioning team, getting along quite smoothly. “But this young rowdy won’t leave you alone, even if you arch your back and hiss at it – no fun at my age in the first place – and I constantly have to defend myself. All I can do is withdraw. Joyful old age looks different!” an old cat might think

Conflicting body language

Surely, the fact that varying species avoid each other in the wild is problematic. An encounter is made even more difficult by conflicting body language – the most basic signals can be read completely differently – between cat and dog they can even mean the opposite!

If the dog wags its tail, it feels jolly. The cat however moves its tail in nervous anticipation – a clear sign to keep your distance, also for a dog! As opposed to being playful, this gesture means that the cat feels far from playful, maybe even tense, enervated and stressed out! 

Growling or purring? When a cat purrs with delight, the dog may anticipate this as a dangerous snarl – just to give an example. (However, there are also purring dogs...hard to believe, but true!)

Misconceptions are very common – except in the case that the animals know each other well and have learnt to cope with the differences. This however takes a good deal of trust and long term experience. 

Passive encounter.

Few animals will happily great new arrivals on their first encounter – as in “Where have you been all my life? Nice to finally meet you!” Rather, the newcomer will be perceived as trespassing on the territory. Therefore never let them meet each other without warning – even if they are members of the same species – in most cases, this will not work out!

The “new one” will be stressed out from the trip and the new territory, with strangers – both two-legged and four-legged – whom it has not met before. Wouldn’t your own first thought possibly be:

“Run, if you can’t hide!”?

To feel safe, first of all a quiet room should be provided. There should also be food and water, maybe a litter box (if the newcomer is a second cat) and a comfortable basket, so that the newcomer can take its time to arrive and get some rest. 

The first night may be sleep-deprived nonetheless...since all of this is much too nerve-wracking as it is!

Further tips for cohabitation: 

Maybe you can ask a friend to become godmother/-father to one of your pets and be there for it alone? – best would be someone who already knows the animal. 

Provide a comfortable, relaxed atmosphere – no loud noises, no visitors, no hustle – all of that could stress the animals even more. 

Getting used to scents

Act carefully and let your newcomer get used to the scent of those who have lived on the territory before actually meeting them. And vice versa, of course. 

Not only does a cat smell much better than a human – but their olfactory sense is much more developed – meaning they can literally “see” someone with their noses.  

This serves the situation perfectly! For the passive encounter, this is the first step:

Before the protagonists meet in person, they can thus get used to each other via their respective smell – that means, they know each other to an extent before actually having met. 

If they then meet for the first time, they may not be great friends automatically – this is obviously not possible – but the scent of the other animal seems at least familiar and non-threatening. The first baby step has been taken – via the nose. 

Positive conditioning by help of scents

Positive conditioning can encourage and consolidate a certain desired behaviour. Praise them if they have shown the right reaction, or even reward them with a little treat!

It will leave a positive impression because it is connected with the reward. 

In order to initiate the positive conditioning you can for example gently rub the cheeks of the newcomer with a cloth and let your “old” housemate smell it afterwards. If your cat shows curiosity and smells the cloth, praise and reward it thoroughly!

This is how you conduct the approach to the new “fragrant messages” – because these are important steps for getting to know one another. 

TIP: Best to bring a cloth or blanket of the new housemate and deposit it at home a few days in advance!

You can also connect a relaxing verbal signal – a certain word or command – with the scent of the newcomer: 

Especially during the first period of adjustment, this can be very helpful with easing tense situations. 

Spreading the fragrance around the feeding bowl “Food is ready!” – Feeding time for a pet often equals the highlight of the day!

Even the favourite spot will be deserted when it comes to being first at the food bowl. You may know the feeling of a stare “drilling” into your back while standing at the opened fridge – and whoosh! Suddenly your cat has materialised out of nowhere.

“I happened to be in the area – would a quick snack be possible, maybe?” Obviously garnered with a glance from velvet eyes that can dissolve steel and stone in a flash…somewhere routed in the genes, passed down from generation to generation and simply irresistible! You can open your fridge or cupboard as soundlessly as possible – Your animal will already be there, circling your legs. 

But this time, the evolutionary imprinted greed is actually helpful!

To connect the fragrant of the newcomer with something pleasant, you can position it in a way which yields positive conditioning: Place the scented cloth or blanket in the feeding area, or present it during play or cuddling time – that way, the scent will automatically be connected with positive experiences.

By the time the first encounter happens, the scent emanating from the newcomer will be loaded with positive sense memories. 

Staying in each other’s space

After keeping the animals in separate rooms for a few days, you can risk an interchange: Each animal is invited to check out the territory of the other. By sniffing every corner of the room, the two animals will get to know each other in absence, via the nose. 

A whole room will smell much stronger than any cuddle blanket, at least for fragrance-sensitive animals. We as humans only register these things marginally, while animals will smell each other even after days of airing! 

The animals will thus be confronted more intensively with the unknown odour – without the threat of a physical encounter. However, by the time they meet “in person”, the “total stranger” will almost seem like an old acquaintance. 

This process initiates the actual “getting to know each other” in a very gentle way – and will make the first “face-to-face” encounter a lot easier – for all parties involved.  

Using the other animal’s blanket

Sleeping blankets or cushions are especially perfect for this, because our feline friends spend much of their time in and on them. 

For cats that are not out hunting, the sleeping place is a haven during the night as well as for many cat naps during the day – quite obvious that these spots are full with odours! Here, not only the biggest amount of their time is being spent – but it is also used for rolling about and cuddling – all of this leading to  a lot of messenger substances being released. 

Many dogs will start scraping at their nest to change it to the their liking – much as in the wild, where they would dig up a hollow to sleep in. House dogs only mimic this with a symbolic gesture – thank goodness – as no house owner will look on benignly while “Bello” is digging up the parquet floor... 

During this scratching activity – similar to cats rubbing their cheeks on something – messenger substances are being released from the paws to mark the territory. 

Place the fragrant blanket in the house a couple of days ahead of the arrival of the new pet. This will give the “old” four-legged housemates enough time to get used to the new odour. 

Adjustment by ear

Silence of the lambs? Not in the least – pets can be loud, and how!

Every animal has a whole repertoire of sounds at its disposal. These can be used as a kind of audio business card – given that there are unique sounds that are typical for the respective newcomer.  

With cats and dogs, this is quite easy; here you can record their meowing or barking. But also small animals make a lot of distinct noises such as the high, piercing squeak of the guinea pig or the lighter pitch of a mouse or rat (no! – do not squeeze – they will deliver the sound voluntarily!

In any case, you should use typical sounds with a high recognition value.

The sounds must be clearly recognisable – admittedly this is a little harder with rabbits and other small animals, but the main goal is to get them used to the noises of cats or dogs. Afterwards, the bigger animal will appear much less threatening!

Playback of pre-recorded animal sounds of the newcomer

The animal sounds are recorded and then played back, beginning with a low level – then you increase the sound until a realistic volume is reached. 

If you conduct this audio performance carefully, a loud bark may still be threatening – especially if coming from a 60 kilo strong resonance body – but at least it will not scare the wits out of your animal completely any more – because by now, it now somehow seems at least familiar. 

A good old tape recorder will do the trick as well as any dictation device, a mini disc recorder – or you can simply use the notes/recording function on your smart phone.

Place the recording device in the vicinity of the animal and play the sequence from time to time – no need to pester the pet with a non-stop soundscape though, as that might be rather counterproductive!

Too much will produce aversion!

Please stick to a bearable dosage and volume level – otherwise your neighbours might start complaining...

Spatial separation

The animals should be living apart from each other in the beginning, with the newcomer getting a room of its own and the “old” pet roaming the rest of the premises. 

Each room obviously gets a food and water bowl as well as a litter box. 

The old territory should be kept available – to avoid resentment. 

The “old” cat should still be number one, even though a potential rival has arrived. All of that is very stressful for a cat – do not underestimate its feelings!

Obviously, anything new is attractive –  especially if it is a fluffy kitten with big eyes and soft fur, looking so sweet, demanding all of your attention and assistance! But do not make the mistake of neglecting your “old” cat! It is not helpful to regard them as extras or boss them around – this does not work with cats any way! They will never “function” according to your will. 

Include them and spoil them so that they don’t feel left behind. When you have visited the newcomer in its own room, always make sure to spend some quality time with the other pet as well. 

Separate bedromms

As the whole new situation is new and stressful, all parties – and that includes you – should enjoy an uninterrupted night’s sleep, to gather strength for the next day.

Even if the newcomer already moves around quite confidently in the new environment during the day – at night it should still have a place all to itself, with no danger of intrusion.

This private sphere is immensely important!

If there are cases of friction and confrontation, a safe refuge is important even during the day! A secure place to retreat to can be a lifesaver – even if things get tough; here your newcomer will feel safe and snug.

And that exactly is the feeling that’s missing for the newcomer: feeling safe. 

So please try and create one or several peaceful retreats. The resting place must be taboo for everyone else, at all times!

This is a private zone – “Entry strictly prohibited”.

An elevated spot for the food bowl

Friendship often ends where feeding begins. 

As to avoid resentment, simply place the food bowls in separate rooms and keep the door shut!

An open door may tempt a saint...

There are enough cats who won’t hesitate to steal from right under their housemate’s nose! To them, impudence wins the game and is also a way of showing dominance.

To avoid bullying and make sure that the new pet does not end up looking like skin and bones, simply place the food somewhere else and that’s that!

That way, the newcomer must not risk life and limb to defend its food.

Here, the new pet can eat in peace and without interruption – an important factor of feeling at home. This is not just about nutrition – food distribution is a matter of hierarchy – the highest ranking animal gets to eat first. 

In one house with cat and dog, you should feed your animals at different times in different rooms to prevent jealousy. You may also want to place the food bowl for the cat higher than the one for the dog especially when you give it dry food, which will not be consumed in one go. Otherwise, the dog might be tempted to dig in at intervals.

Many dogs just love cat food! Wonderfully different in variation! And tasty fish dishes...

Protecting the litter box

The cat’s toilet should always be taboo for other pets!

Cats can be very peculiar when it comes to bathroom habits.

Choose a place for your cat’s litter box which allows for discretion. Also avoid placing it near the feeding area, or in a spot where noise or other sudden interruptions may occur, e.g. near a door, washing machine or tumble dryer.  

Many cats are very sensitive to interruptions of their private sphere. 

Also, some dogs have the habit of “cleaning up” after them!

That a dog will go near the litter box is a no-no in itself. But then to mess with it – that is the last drop for a cat!

Some cats react with avoiding the litter box altogether from then on and start choosing other spots...

Open Sesame!

As soon as the animals have adjusted to the new situation, you may open the door.

A protective safety gate has proved to be useful: Thus, a first face-to-face can be made possible without a direct, physical contact. 

Anything is possible now – from sympathy through to aggression!

Don’t be surprised if the first fleeting encounter is not running smoothly.

A growl, a snarl or a hiss – noisy resentment may happen – even the odd hit with the paw. That is absolutely fine if it is not repeated. This keeps the counterpart at a certain distance – a warning shot, so to speak.

Now you can open the door – still with the safety gate in place – for several minutes each day. If that goes smoothly, the “old” resident may be allowed access.  

If this passes without a serious escalation – be it fight, hunt or mobbing – then you’ve made it: You can now remove the gate and keep the door open. 

All of this however may not happen in a flash (though the much quoted exception as ever makes the rule) – in some cases it can take days if not weeks on end.  

TIP: As exciting as all this may be, try and stay calm and avoid erratic movements: There is no rush! Otherwise, your nervousness may affect the animals and make the process even harder. 

Dog and cat getting used to each other

Who was here first? – Dog or cat?

This question is of great importance if dog and cat need to get along with each other. As a member of a pack by nature, dogs are usually a little more open to the idea. Cats however don’t think much of newcomers in general – and that applies not only to other species but also to their own. In most cases, they are simply “not amused”. Having said that, it may also be a matter of gender, age and character.

While a dog, as a highly social creature, may accept a new member to the family soon enough, most cats will be sceptical and regard the new arrival as an intruder of their sphere. To introduce a cat to a household with a dog is therefore usually easier than the other way round.  

If you are planning to share your home with both cat and dog, you should try and follow the above procedures and conduct the introduction as gently as possible, by keeping the animals apart and only slowly bringing them together – step by step. Allow enough time for them to smell each other, as the scent usually is the entry ticket. Both of the creatures have extremely sensitive noses – dogs even more so than cats – and will immediately know that there is someone else around, simply by sniffing the air.

Also: Keep the same daily rhythm and well-known rituals – for both. This guarantees a feeling of security. 

Keep the dog on its leash

It is a bad idea to put the cat or even both animals into the box for an encounter – or to hold the cat on your arm while “introducing” it to the dog. This is practically the worst possible start the animals can have! (Even though I can already hear the old catch line: “But we have always done it that way and it worked!”

That may well be the case, but no two cats are the same and offering good advice means to prevent the worst case scenario. Again – there is no doubt that the exception makes the rule!)

Surely you have taken your animal to the vet in a travel box before – and that means pure stress for your cat!

Stuck in a box with a multitude of other animals around is never enjoyable. Especially, if there are dogs nearby – not exactly the species they are most friendly with in the first place – yapping and staring at them.

There is only one wish for the cat: Out of here! – and it is not possible. 

MUCH BETTER:

Put the dog on the leash and take it to the middle of the room. Now the cat can approach freely; it will decide when to come in and how close it wants to get to you both.

In most cases, the cat will chose a safe spot from which to watch and assess the scenario.

Observe, how both of them are reacting –  and praise neutral to positive behaviour. 

Presence of trustworthy persons During the first encounter, you should not be on your own if possible. 

If a person is present whom you trust and in the best case is an “animal person”, you have some reinforcement when things get out of hand. Knowing this will relax both you and the situation upfront. 

Now, after having secured the dog by putting it on the leash, the cat may come in: 

Open both door and safety gate and make sure that the cat has enough options to retreat – to feel safe; it may prefer emigrating to higher ground, i.e. shelves, wardrobes or scratching posts – given they are high enough. Please make sure that your cat has unlimited access and keep those surfaces free of clutter. Otherwise a few breakables may fall victim to panic and flight. Afterwards, all items may be safely returned to their usual spots.  

In case of straight out antipathy in the beginning and things going awry, it is good to have someone by your side who has the pluck to jump in and help you with keeping the opponents apart. 

– However, this is only necessary when things really get out of control!

All eyes on the animals

Watch both animals closely – however, do not overreact to any small sign of irritability!

“Helicopter animal keepers” like to overdo it – with the result that the cohabitation may not work out. 

The more relaxed and calm the introduction, the easier the next few weeks of adaptation will be – for everyone involved. Try and be as easy-going as you can, because your fine-tuned animal will register any change of mood and react accordingly. Emotional highs and lows are something that your pets will pick up with their antennas immediately – and they will always respond to whatever is “in the air”. 

When a cat meets a dog in the wild, it will try to escape. The dog might enjoy hunting after it for a while but usually gives up when the cat reaches higher ground. 

From here, the cat will watch the dog for a while, the tip of its tail flinching in anticipation – still nervous but not panicky or afraid to death. 

With the space at home being naturally restricted, a confrontation is sometimes unavoidable. 

A hiss, a growl or a quick stroke with the paw to show dominance still counts as “tolerable cat behaviour”; also a yapping dog straining forward is acceptable. Don’t worry – this will ease up after a while. 

Growling dog? Reward your cat

Even if weeks have gone by without confrontation and the two have gotten used to each other – misunderstandings may still happen. 

This is due to the conflicting body language of the two species, or may be the result of jealousies. 

The newcomer will still be regarded with suspicion at times – especially when it comes to feeding or cuddles from your side. Try and be fair with giving out these tokens of affection so that none of the animals will feel rejected. Especially the pet who was the first on the premises should never be put in second place or bossed around. Setting boundaries doesn’t count, if the behaviour warrants it. 

– But remember, praise is often more effective than punishment!

If the dog is growling at the cat, simply lure your feline friend to come to your side and reward it. That way it will understand that it can relax even if confronted in that manner and will automatically approach you the next time – which will also be helpful if the dog decides to go after it. 

Thus, you can defuse the situation – as the cat is definitely safe with you. 

To enhance the praise you can use treats, or simply your voice or cuddles to anchor positive behaviour: 

Reward friendly behaviour on both sides

As soon as the first encounters take place, this should happen within a peaceful, comfortable atmosphere. Thus, the animals will connect encounters with a good feeling: “It may be a dog, but it is not as scary as anticipated,” And: “That cat does not run away from me – maybe it doesn’t have to? No fun running after it then.” Or: “This seems to be our own cat now – so I will try and protect it just like the rest.” 

A bit of tearing and pulling on the leash during the first phase may still be happening and is OK!

 It is a dog after all. Rather distract than punish it. Give calm yet distinct instructions and only praise the dog when it calms down and behaves in a more relaxed way.

Reward it when it does a good job at being more serene – in that case, a special treat is not out of place!

Watch out: Some dogs may grab the treat only to resume the attack afterwards – make sure to reward the animal only if the behaviour is one hundred percent reliable and not a matter of chance. 

– The same obviously goes for the cat!

Interrupt negative behaviour and separate the two pets

Sometimes, a situation builds up out of nowhere and becomes aggressive – for whatever reason!

That may happen quickly and all you can do is stand amazed. 

If that is the case and one has to fear for things getting out of control, make a “cut!” – at once!

Don’t wait for one of them to get hurt. The verdict is: Act swiftly and separate the opponents. No matter who started it. 

Try not to overestimate slips like these! There will always be “bad days”, even if things are normally running smoothly. 

Better to wait a while, until the waves of aggressions have subsided. Only then it is time for the next attempt. 

Grant your animals the right of being moody. They can’t be the same every day. Often, it depends on the mood if and how an attempt of socialising works out: Today is a no-go; but tomorrow we might be great friends again!

The exception: If rivalries or attacks increase or become the rule, the alarm bells should be ringing loud and clear: A harmonious co-living situation may not be possible after all.

In that case, a solution must be found for the benefit of the animals, even if this is hard for you. If you are uncertain, ask an expert such as a coach or vet – or an animal psychologist.

Grant your pets a break

The first encounter should never take longer than a few minutes. Just enough time to get a first impression: “Aha! So that is the new housemate!”

Don’t ever leave the animals alone with each other; stay with them for the entire duration. 

In the beginning, a maximum of five minutes is often enough, then you can carefully extend the meetup bit by bit: If you realise that the animals react calmly, you can leave them together for ten to fifteen minutes at a time.

No rush though! – Slow and steady is the rule. Observe closely how the animals behave and watch their body language. Keep in the background but always be ready to step in when needed.

Everything takes the time it needs, so try not to push things. The animals usually know best when they are ready to share their home with another pet. At some point, curiosity will win over reserve...

The more time the velvet noses have to get to know each other, the better the chance of getting along. Allow for three to four weeks to make it happen. 

Precaution is better than mending wounds

Animals know all about jealousy and envy. Feelings of neglect are not to be underestimated: Suddenly not “number one” any more – how on earth did that happen? Such a thing is hard to understand and can lead to withdrawal and fasting – in short, depression. But it mustn’t come to that!

Even if the newcomer is interesting to an extent because, well, it is something new, and may be even a cute little puppy or kitten – the “older” resident will always want to maintain the rights of “the one who came first” – the king or queen of the castle. Attention and cuddling should not decrease – on the contrary; more is more in this case.

This helps a lot to prevent uneasiness and the fear of becoming the odd one out. 

Resting and feeding areas should be in separate places for the two pets, so that each has its own “realm” or “sanctum” – exclusive and safe from any form of intrusion. By placing these spots well apart from each other, you can avoid mobbing – which the newcomer might otherwise automatically be subjected to. 

TIP: Spend the same amount of time with both pets, so that no one feels neglected. 

New pet, new luck

Be aware that any newcomer to your household also triggers a new order. 

This means that even animals who used to get along fine all of the sudden might start bickering again. The roles are newly distributed and – depending on situation and time – can always be overturned again. 

Such an animal team is of a dynamic nature – nothing is ever set in stone. For example, if one of them dies or goes missing, the team will react accordingly. By the way – animals grieve, too...and opponents often become friends for life, who will be sadly missed.

[awkwarddystopianwarlord]

I Wish My Body Wouldn’t Do That

One of the greatest feelings there is comes when you relieve your bladder after holding it shut for a prolonged amount of time. The sense of relief is incomparable to most. In my personal opinion, that is why morning pees are the best, as you free yourself of ten pounds of water weight in one powerful, continuous stream.

What I don’t agree with is when my bladder reschedules its release time right smack in the wee hours.

Specifically on the days I have to wake up early for work.

During the sacred moments when I’m in my deepest of sleeps.

Yet, at five-fricken-thirty in the morning, the lower belly starts to feel pressure. I can no longer spoon my pillow without threatening leakage. I cannot risk lying on my back as the spread out form of my body worsens the sensation. Keeping my eyes shut is now the only thing simulating sleep but now my dream has faded and all I can think of is the fact that I must concentrate on not pissing myself in bed.

There is no way to continue my slumber like this.

So I get up, stumble through my darkened one room house, and slump heavily over the beckoning porcelain bowl. I keep my eyes shut as much as possible, squinting at the most to fool my brain into thinking it’s still asleep. When all is done, I stumble back to bed, glancing at my clock and growling at the fact it’s five-thirtyseven. Almost six. Little more than two hours of sleep. However, it takes me about an hour on average to actually fall asleep, so now, I only have an hour. One hour to suffice me with enough rest to last the day.

Of course once I finally drift off to sleep and continue where I left off in my dream, my alarm goes off. From the midst of my dreamstate I am thrown into the waking world feeling exhausted as though I never slept. I drag myself out from my covers already thinking about when I can go to bed again. My eyes sting throughout my shift, wanting to close. Beneath my mask, numerous yawns are trapped. The hours slog on and all I want to do is go home and sleep. And finally the night comes and off to bed I go. Only to wake up in the wee hours to take a wiz all over again.

This will plague me for several days straight and then end suddenly for months. Once I find myself waking up a couple hours before my alarm, I know I’m stuck living this repeated purgatory for a week or so. The day I wake up realizing I made it through the night without the urge to pee makes the rest of my day. I wake up gleeful solely because my bladder survived the window of absolute unconsciousness. I must say, I’m longing for that moment to come soon because holy shit I’ve been so tired all week!

(This is a strange post as it is of two topics this time. This is mainly because neither of what I want to say in it is enough for one entire addition to the blog. Nevertheless, may it be enjoyable all the same.)

Calves. We all have them. The leg ones. Maybe not some amputees, but for the most part, we all have calves. There isn’t much to think about when it comes to that part of the leg generally...until it commits mutiny.

Do you ever find yourself sleeping and wanting to reposition yourself and in doing so you straighten out your leg but it gives this ever-so-slight warning feeling but since you’re half asleep you kind of ignore it even though in the back of your head you know exactly what that sensation means and then two seconds later when you fully extend that leg you suddenly find yourself praying for death? Does that ever happen to you?

I don’t get calf cramps unless I’m in bed trying to sleep, currently sleeping, or in that weird inbetween stage of slumber. And when they emerge, boy do they make their presence known. When I feel that slight strain of muscle I know what is destined to follow and yet every time I try to finesse straightening my leg despite that. But what do you know, in seconds the entirety of my calf muscle seizes up to what feels like the size of a hamster. There is nothing to do to end the teeth-gritting pain but to hoist yourself out of bed and try to stretch it out. This of course also hurts like hell and you’re left to stand in a stupid lunge, decked out in a twenty-year old t-shirt and boxers, whisper-screaming every profanity you can think of because you ignored your brain like a idiot.

Even after the agonizing minutes of stretching out my knotted mass of muscle, I’m left with the facts that now I am fully awake, it will take me forever to go back to sleep, and I’m scared to lay down in any position because my leg might explode again. I also get to look forward to it feeling terribly sore in the morning. Just what I need to spice up my day’s existence.

All in all, regardless of how much I always want to call it a day the moment I wake up and go back to bed, my sleepytime hours are equally as dreaded, for, if they are interrupted, that’s it until the next night. It’s downright stressful and I find myself often enough not being able to find peace in woken times or slumber hours and thus live in a constant state of fatigue. So if you ever run into me and I look like I’ve been awake for years, it’s due to one or both of these things that my body torments me with.

[thriveratherthanjustsurvive]

A Wealthy Life...

[I wrote this article well in advance of the start of the current global crisis with Covid-19, I hope you're all well and coping in these unprecedented socially-controlled days. I hope that you find this article of use; I'm minded that many people are being affected financially because of the lockdown. Whilst the stress of suddenly losing income can be debilitating, there is much one can do with one's mindset to help yourself keep calm and cope with your fears.]

Much is spoken and written about wealth. Many of us dream about having a life style supported by unlimited funds, indeed this is the basis for lotteries run world wide.

There is a paradox too in the research which has been done looking at the levels of happiness and satisfaction of those who have earned or won large sums of money.  Money it seems, fails to buy a sense of fulfilment and contentment for a high proportion of those who attain their dream of being rich.

Is it the dream of having money which is flawed or our definition of wealth?

How do you define wealth? What needs to be in place for you to feel truly wealthy? Is it a question of bank balance or is it something more?

One of my clients described their life: “I feel like a hamster trapped in a wheel, going round and round in an endless cycle of trying to hit deadlines, please other people and as soon as I complete something it is replaced by half a dozen others.” How many of you feel the same?

Many of my clients are trapped in an ongoing cycle of working very long hours. As a result they create financial wealth that they have neither the time, nor energy to enjoy. When they do manage to snatch a break from the daily grind they often become ill as soon as they stop, recovering just in time to return to work. They choose exotic holiday destinations as a reward for working so hard but are so exhausted they spend their fortnight sleeping or in a frantic attempt to fit enough ‘living’ into a fortnight to keep them going until the next holiday.

You may relate to their situation and feel as they did – that there is little alternative. The actual sense of feeling trapped often adds the sense of being overwhelmed and that things are out of their control. So long as you believe there is no alternative that will indeed be the case.

Each of us will have a different definition. How you define wealth will impact on the range of choices you allow yourself.

For some wealth is having a surplus of money, enough to buy what I want, to wear designer clothes, have a big house full of antique furniture and a top of the range car.

For others it is about so much more: the quality of life, of rich and loving relationships with people who appreciate us for who we are, the ability to enjoy the autumn colours and the sounds of crunching leaves as you walk through a woodland floor in Autumn, time to stop and take in the beauty of the world, time to notice another person’s need and do something about it.

The first step to creating a different perspective and identifying different choices is by thinking about your personal definition of what wealth is for you. What is it that is really important to you? There is a need to be financially secure to be able to provide food, a home and the necessities of life but beyond that what is it which gives you the sense of being truly wealthy? Here's a well-known parable that illustrates the point perfectly:

A fisherman lived on a tropical island. He fished for his family and had plenty of time to play with his children, to enjoy the beauty around him and to be a good neighbour.

A yacht arrived carrying a wealthy entrepreneur. The fisherman took him out for a days fishing. As the day went on the entrepreneur looked at the beautiful island with its silver sand fringed with palm trees, the azure blue sea filled with a rainbow of darting fish and saw the opportunity for development and making lots of money. He was a generous man so thought he’d help the fisherman by offering him the idea.

“Why don’t you build a hotel and encourage tourists to come to the island. If fact build a holiday village with a sports complex so people can come and relax. It could be so successful that you could build an air strip so you can offer the whole package to the tourists so you can cut out the middle man and make even greater profits.”

“Why would I want to do that?” asked the fisherman.

“You would make lots of money and be rich of course!” replied the entrepreneur.

“How long would it take?” said the fisherman?

“Oh I would think it would take ten years to be really successful” answered the entrepreneur.

“What would I do with all that money?” enquired the fisherman.

“You could go on exotic holidays to a beautiful island where you could fish, play with your children and take the time to enjoy the beauty all around you” replied the entrepreneur.

Are you wishing for something else and missing the wealth you already have around you?

If you are feeling stressed and anxious about the wealth, or your perceived lack of it, in your life then please do get in touch with me. My contact details are within my bio information.

Stay safe.

Gina x

[torisfeather]

Also on Archive of our own : http://archiveofourown.org/works/10930521/chapters/24774624

Sweat was running down his back, leaving a long icy trail. His chest was wrapped in an iron grip, and helicopter blades  were desperately trying to dig themselves a passage out of his stomach. His legs could barely carry him, and wouldn't even think of walking. His father's hand on his shoulder was the only thing reminding him of moving in the noisy corridor, behind the dark skinned woman.

He wasn't scared.

He was terrified.

He hadn't chosen to be here. If he had any say in it, he would have become a hermit and hid in the depths of the Chinese countryside for the rest of his life. He did not want this school. He didn't not want those classmates. He was a real danger for everyone, and they wanted him to live among a hundred potential victims. Best. Idea. Ever. It was about as wise as giving a kindergartener an armed grenade.

He didn't know what his parents had believed to think even one second that coming here would solve his "problem". For now, all he hoped was that the kitchen only used electricity. That nobody would light a candle or a fireplace in his presence. And that he'd remember not to use the lighter he preciously kept in his pocket.

He vaguely heard the young woman speak with his parents before they left. They looked a little worried, but mostly relieved. Probably because they could finally get away from their freak of a son. He felt anger rising. He bit his tongue, tried to calm down. Stay zen. He couldn't take it out on them for being scared of him. He was dangerous, it was normal to be afraid.

She smiled at him kindly before turning around and leaving. She had other kids to greet. He waited until she disappeared around the corner to open the door to his new bedroom.

His blood froze cold when he realized there were two beds, and someone was currently reading, lying on one of them. A roommate? Really?

It was a pale giant with cinder hair. The bed looked almost too small for him. He was wearing the school's uniform with a scarf. This imposing appearance was completely contrasting with the tiny little book he was holding delicately in his hands. The title was Russian but the cover was decorated with a beautiful drawing of a bird with long burning feathers.

The giant looked up and stuck his purple gaze into his brown eyes. A small content smile was settled on his lips and didn't seem to want to leave anytime soon. "Hi!" he said as he put his book down.

He stood up and stretched. Now Yao had to look up to see his face. High up. It wouldn't be as intimidating if the Russian wasn't as large and if his little smile wasn't this creepy. Yao had had to deal with big guys like him but this one had something scarier, like some sort of dark aura surrounding him. It was fascinating in some way. "You are my new roommate, da?" he said like nothing was wrong.

Yao nodded. He wasn't going to show he was afraid. At least, now he could focus on him rather than on his fear of screwing up during class. The giant had a small laugh that sounded too innocent for his strong built.

"I hope we'll be very good friends! I'm Ivan, you?"

"Yao."

His head tilted to the side, without losing his smile. "Yao sounds nice." He laughed again. It sounded like the amused giggle of a child noticing their hamster is trying to leave its cage. "It sounds like a cry of joy," he said softly. "Yao! Yao! Like a party!"

"Um… Thanks?"

"You're welcome."

Yao was growing more and more awkward. The talk sounded strange. The voice of the giant named Ivan was too light, too delicate, too childish. And cute as hell. But it didn't fit the body it belonged to.

Ivan walked up to him and held his hand out. For a handshake, occidental tradition. Slightly hesitant, Yao shook it. His skin was strangely cold, in spite of the warmth of the room. The Russian frowned worriedly. "You're hot."

"What?"

"I mean you look like you have a temperature."

"Oh… No, really, I'm fine."

"Ufufu, good!"

They let go but the cold stayed for a few moments inside Yao's palm. Ivan was staring attentively behind his innocent face. It was impossible to know what was hidden under his calm little smile. "You are very, very cute, Yao-Yao," he said softly.

Yao chocked. "What?"

"I said you were very cute," he said again, calmly. He walked forth and caught his chin firmly. His smile grew more devilish as he steadily brought their two faces closer. "Say… Would you like to be one with me?"

"Wh… I… N…"

Yao was doing his best but he couldn't pronounce a single word. His breathing picked up, and so did his heart as if it was trying to climb up his throat. His head started to spin slightly and he felt a hot flash flooding him as Ivan's icy hands laid upon his cheeks. His face was growing closer still. He was going to kiss him. "I'm… I'm not feeling very good," he said, retreating.

Surprised, Ivan stood back and his concerned face appeared again. "Yao-Yao has a fever after all!"

"I… No… I… I'm just hot… I just need some fresh air…" Yao turned around and hurried out. He needed to get out of here. Fast. He felt like it was important. He was going to locked himself up in the bathroom, wait it out…

Suddenly, his legs refused to obey. They froze as he was about to walk out the door. Horrified, he looked down, only to find out his feet were trapped in two ice chunks stuck to the floor. He pulled and pulled and pulled but they wouldn't budge.

Ivan closed in behind him and laid his hand on his shoulders, gently. "No, my Yao-Yao won't run away this time…" whispered his sweet voice, drawing shivers out of the Chinese boy. Petrified, Yao watched as he placed himself in front of him with his toxic little smile. "If you are hot, Yao-Yao, why don't you take some of your clothes off?"

"No! No, no stop! Qǐng!"

"What is it? Is my Yao-Yao hiding something from me?" His voice was still giving him shivers, filling him with terror and some other feeling he couldn't really describe. Yao was usually brave. But right now, he was literally frozen in place as Ivan slowly took away every piece of fabric covering him. "Yao-Yao is mine, right? So Yao-Yao shouldn't hide anything from me!"

No! No, he couldn't see him! He should never see him like this! No, this was wrong! He couldn't see this! No way! No! No!

Yao's eyes shot open. He sat up. The room was dark, except for the time glowing red on the radio. Ivan shifted in the other bed, probably dreaming about sunflowers and vodka.

A dream. Just a dream.

He laid back down, hugging close his Shinatty-chan. But he couldn't go back to sleep.

Even in his dreams, that damn Russian should never, ever, ever find out about his stupid secret.

The PCD classroom was quite peculiar. As large as a small gymnasium, it was separated from the rest of the building by the playground's length. To get in, you had to cross two iron doors separated by an airlock. Just what you needed to feel awkward while entering.

The lessons used to happen in a normal classroom, inside the building. But several accidents, including but not limited to a fire, a flood and the emission of a smell of rotten egg in the entire building for several hours had convinced the principle it was necessary to take precaution measures. Just to make sure not everyone would die because someone sneezed at the wrong moment.

The floor was made of light wood that sounded like it was hollow when one stepped on it. "Like a dance studio," Lily shyly commented. The ceiling was high and, like a gymnasium, showed the girders carrying the roof. Tables and chairs were cast against the walls instead of being arranged in the middle as they would be for any kind of lesson. A door in the far left opened on a stockroom full of various objects, from simple paper sheets to baseball bats. There was also half a dozen fire extinguishers in a corner. Another door, opposite to the first one, led to a small projection room.

The first years were waiting, wearing the sportswear Luna had given them when they came in. Mei and Faustina were thoroughly biting their painted nails while Vash was talking his sister out of doing the same thing. Kiku was playing statues again, the Italian twins were getting rid of the stress by talking loudly with extensive gestures to anyone who'd listen, Feliks seemed like he was daydreaming, just like Tino whose arm Peter didn't want to let go of. Let's just say they were nervous.

Tension reached its peak when Luna came back from the dressing room, a file in hand. With a large smile, she gave them small sheets of paper and pens.

"Surname, first name, age and power if you know it. Oh, and everything I'd need to know if you have health issues. And please hurry."

Kiku, Vash and Peter started right away. The other kids shared incredulous looks. Seriously, even in a class about supernatural powers, they had to fill in information papers? According to Luna's serious look, they did.

"Like, that's lame…" Feliks sighed.

And for the first time, everyone agreed.

Eventually all the papers were done and given back to Luna. The young woman suddenly had a very scary smile and walked to the center of the room. "Good, now, you're going to run ten laps around the room! No slacking off! Then you'll do one sprinting, another one sidestepped, one heels high and one knees high. And when you're done, get in the middle so you can stretch, alright? Let's go!"

This time, the look they shared was stunned. But Luna didn't give anybody any time to whine and drilled their eardrums with a whistle she seemingly pulled out of thin air.

They started moving, with more or less enthusiasm. Kiku, as a student paragon, was doing his best and running like he was at the Olympics. At least for the first few seconds, for his mishandled body snapped at him and made him slow down. Tino looked like he had chosen to mother Peter and was encouraging him and helping him to keep up, which he managed pretty well. What the younger boy didn't have physically, he had in will. As for Vash, he was treating Lily like a porcelain doll and managed to encourage her while asking every three seconds if she needed to rest. Romano decided he wanted to look manly and tried to run in a cool way in front of Mei and Faustina, but he tripped and ate the floor. When he got back up, pouting as red as a tomato, the two girls giggled and said he was "just so cute", which achieved to make him depressed. And Feliks and Feliciano had started talking about pasta, fashion and ponies when Luna chased them with her whistle to force them to go faster.

It wasn't even a warm-up. Luna was pushing them to their limits, making them run as much as possible. When she'd notice one wasn't about to collapse from exhaustion, she'd give them one more lap to finish them. Once they were done, exhausted, extenuated, dead to the world, the teenagers fell to the ground to stretch as Luna read their papers. Apparently, most of them had no idea what they could do. That wasn't helping, but at least the class would be fun.

"Alright everyone! Are you ready to start?" It was dead silent in the room. The few students still alive glared at her. A smirk showed up on her lips. Of course they didn't like it, but tiring them physically was the best way to wake up their capacities, while keeping them easy to control. The idea was to have a clear mind to focus on one thing at a time. "Well it looks good… We're making three groups. Kiku, Peter and Faustina, you're going in the corner by the main entrance. Feliks, Mei, Vash and Lily, go sit down by the projection room. Tino, Lovino, Feliciano, go wait for me by the stockroom."

The kids obeyed, too tired to protest. Tino almost had to carry the Italian twins all by himself. The two brothers looked like they were going to pass out.

Kiku, Peter and Faustina opened wide eyes when their teacher came back from the stock room with a large wheeled mirror and paper sheets. Luna caught her breath before explaining. "You three already know your own capacities. Looking younger, giving life to origamis and enter mirrors," she said, pointing at each of them.

The two boys gave the young girl an impressed look, which made her blush a little.

"You've found out about those capacities by accident, from intense emotions," Luna continued like it was no big deal. "That's the first step. Now, your goal will be to learn to use your power intentionally, which means without any outside disturbance. Questions?"

No one spoke.

"Perfect. Kiku, come here."

She sat the Japanese boy at a table and gave him a white paper sheet. "You are going to make an origami. Preferably something easy to animate, like an animal. Then you'll try to give it life through visualization. Can you do that?

"Uh… I think I c…"

"Good. Get to it." She left him with the paper, dumbfounded. Slowly, the Japanese boy tried to stay calm and started to carefully fold the paper into a crane.

After she left Faustina with her hands on the mirror's surface, trying to remember how to get in, Luna had to face Peter's enthusiasm as he looked up at her with eyes filled with hope. She knelt to his level, uneasy.

"Er… Peter? Listen… Your capacity is a bit peculiar so I'd rather if we worked on it together later. Is that alright?" At the little boy's disappointed face, she quickly added: "But I'd like you to help with the others for now. You'll be my assistant, how does that sound?" He nodded and forced a small smile. She felt sorry for him. She knew how much he wanted to get his old appearance back.

Suddenly, she had an idea. She called Lily and gave Peter a keychain. "Peter, I'd like you to bring Lily to the school library. Take the most interesting book you can find. When you're done, don't forget to close the door. Oh, and then, please go to the biology lab and ask Mr. Bondvik for a mouse."

"A what?"

"A mouse. You know, the little animal that has a long tail and likes cheese. Ask him for one. And specify that it has to be alive, alright? And if you could hurry, it would be perfect."

Peter and Lily shared a stunned looked before obeying.

Luna smiled as they left. Then she looked at Feliks, Mei and Vash and thought for a little while…

"DVDs?"

Luna happily nodded. The three students were standing in the projection room, unsure. Smaller, it looked a little more like a classroom. There was a projection screen in front of the tables, right above a DVD player already on. They heard Luna whine about "idiots who never turn the devices off after using them" as she slipped the first disk into the player.

"Wow, that's, like, awesome! We're gonna watch movies?" Feliks exclaimed as he sat on one of the desks.

Luna had an amused chuckle but didn't answer. Vash and Mei sat down as well, not as excited as their classmate. Luna turned the projector on, the light off and around after asking them to tell her if anything weird happened.

The three kids shared a look and focused on the movie.

Ten minutes later, terrified screams raised from the little room as the students watched the horror movie the teacher was showing them.

Now came the most difficult part. Luna headed towards Tino and the Italian twins who looked a little better. She gave them a shimmering smile as she walked to them.

"So, who wants to go first?" she chirped.

Tino immediately knew something was up and stepped back. Lovino also guessed what was going on and hid behind the Finnish boy. As for Feliciano…

"Ve! Sure, I do! What are we going to do? Pasta? Pasta sounds good!"

The three students were each tasked with something: Feliciano had to run around the room without stopping, Tino had to befriend the adorable mouse Peter and Lily had brought back, and Lovino just had to jump on one spot. Luna had then left, pretending she had to go get something.

After a few minutes, all three of them had stopped doing the exercises they deemed pointless. And since Luna wasn't back yet, they started chatting.

After about fifteen minutes of talking, they started to worry about their teacher being gone for so long.

The bell rang the end of the first hour, but still no teacher around. Kiku and Faustina were still focused on their exercises and the others were enjoying their movie with panicked screams. Peter was listening as Lily read her book out loud, in a corner.

After another half-hour of waiting, the Italians and the Finnish boy wanted to go see what was taking Luna so long, when suddenly everything went black.

Everything.

Even the windows that should have let some of the morning sunlight in were suddenly dark. Total darkness. The students could have sworn they had suddenly gone blind. Tino, Feliciano, Lovino, Lily, Peter and Faustina screamed as one. Kiku stayed calm, though.

The light slowly came back until the kids were surrounded by purplish darkness that reminded them of a haunted house. Lovino felt like he had to yell "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON?!" just so he could express a little bit of his fear as his twin just clung to him, crying and calling for help.

Suddenly, red light exploded in the entrance, and a dark, menacing silhouette emerged from it. It had claws longer than Wolverine's, and as if that wasn't enough, it had a large butcher knife in each hand. Its face was hidden under a slenderman white mask and it wore some sort of long coat hiding its body entirely. It didn't let the student stare at it any longer and dashed towards the twins.

Lovino hid behind the first thing that could serve as a shield, which was a shaking Tino with a mouse in his hands. As for Feliciano, he ran away immediately. The thing followed him with heavy footsteps and terrible roars. Completely panicked, he rushed to the door which happened to be locked. Terrified, he started to run again, the monster following him.

As the creature was about the catch him and he thought he was about to die, probably more from asphyxia than from bloody murder committed by a killer monster, he was surprised when his legs started moving even faster without tiring him more. He didn't stop to ask why, though, and kept running faster and faster to try and get away from this menacing thing.

Realizing its target was fleeing, the creature stopped and turned to Tino and Lovino with a menacing glare. Paralyzed with fear, the two teenagers could only walk back against the wall as the monster closed in. Tino whispered a barely audible "help".

He had only just said this word when his mouse jumped from his hands and onto the masked monster's face to burry its teeth in its skin.

The thing let out a terribly feminine cry and fell over.

"Ouch! Ouchie! Ok, ok! Fine, I give up! Ouch, Tino, call your mouse back!"

The light came back immediately and everyone could see, instead of the hideous creature… Miss Luna Chrones, dressed in a long black coat, cardboard claws and plastic knives, fighting with a rodent that was trying to eat her face. A white hood had fallen to the ground. Everybody stared, stupefied.

"No really, get that thing off me, please!"

They needed a few minutes to strip their teacher from her horror show outfit. Back in her usual clothes, it was hard to believe it was the same monster who attacked them earlier. Apart for the teeth marks on her face, it was like she never even left.

"Uh… So, ma'am? Would you tell us why you did that?" Faustina asked, fists on her hips and angry faced, obviously upset.

"Ahaha, you didn't like it?" the dark skinned teacher said.

Silence.

"Uh… Ok…" She cleared her throat slightly and stretched her back before explaining with a clear voice. "It is difficult, nearly impossible, to trigger consciously the first manifestation of your power. Capacities usually stay dormant until puberty and only manifest, in general, as a reaction to a powerful emotion."

"It's really just like the X-men, then," Peter commented.

"… So I tried to use the emotions most easy to generate: fright and surprise. Normally, we shouldn't need more than three sessions for the whole class to know what it can do. This was already nice results!"

"Uh, nothing really happened…" Lovino grumbled.

When she heard this, Luna smiled. Nobody dared to move when she walked up to a table, grabbed a weird device from it and came back fidgeting with the screen. "Feliciano," she called. The boy walked forth with a distracted "ve". "What a nice sprint you did when I almost caught you."

"Vehehe, you scared me, ma'am!

"Precisely. Look at the speed it saved."

Curious, the Italian boy took a look at the screen and tilted his head, unsure. "Ve… Sixty kilometers per hour… Is that good?"

"It's more than the world record of speed. No human being can run this fast." Then, when she saw Feliciano's still concerned face, she added: "Yes, it is good."

"Ve!"

"Besides, this was the first time, by accident. If you train, you'll be able to run even faster.

"So that's my power? ... I would have liked something that helps making pasta more."

Luna chuckled at his slight disappointment, and then turned to Tino as he cuddled the mouse who tried to save his life. "Tino? Do you know why your mouse jumped on me earlier?"

"Uh… I think?" he said, hesitantly. "I asked for help and Aurajuusto…"

"Who?"

"Huh? Oh, that's its name, it sounds nice, doesn't it?" The Finnish boy smiled as he pointed at the mouse trying to climb his shirt.

"It is a nice name," Kiku said. "What does it mean?"

"Blue cheese!" the blond boy proudly said. No one dared to say it was weird. But they were thinking it really hard. "Anyway," Tino continued. "Aurajuusto felt I was in danger and protected me. Even if I'm not sure wh… Wait, that's my power? Being protected by little critters?"

"Well… Sort of? It works with other animals as well and…" Luna stopped, as the Finnish wasn't listening, all too glad about his capacity. With a sigh, she turned to the last kid in the group, which was none other than the sulking Lovino a few feet away. "However, I am disappointed your power didn't manifest," she said. "But I suppose we should play more on surprise for this."

"Ha! Good luck with that!" the boy mocked.

"Why?"

"I'm never surprised! You can ask Feli, he tries all the time and it never works!"

"Ve… You kinda jumped pretty hard, last time, fratello."

"Shut up, bastard, that's not because I was surprised, that's because… Whatever! I just don't get…"

"SURPRIIIIIIIISE!"

Antonio had been waiting in front of the PCD room for a while now. Luna had come earlier, in the middle of a chemistry lesson, and asked him to help her with what she called an "emergency". Well, he was bored right now, and he didn't know why he should stay and wait when he was done with what she asked him to do.

He opened the first door, and then the second one, pretty silently. Back in her usual clothes, Luna was explaining something to the students who listened attentively. Well, she probably didn't need him anymo… He spotted Lovino among the others and a little smirk showed up on his lips. He tried to get closer to the group without being noticed by his target.

Just a little joke, he could do that, right? After all, the Italian boy wasn't going to hold a grudge against him for this, right? Besides, he was so cute when he was angry, he looked like a big ripe tomato! Yes, tomatoes are very cute. Especially the ones that yell at you while growing even redder… Wait, tomatoes didn't do this. Oh well, whatever, he was almost there!

He heard Lovino bragging about never being surprised was he reduced the distance, as slow as a spy turtle. That was probably very cute as well, a spy turtle that is. He would have said a ninja turtle, but copyrights, besides "spy" sounds better. What was he thinking about again? Oh, right, it was fun seeing how proud the Italian boy was under his frail appearance. And it made tricking him all the more appealing.

He sneaked behind the brown boy as silently as possible and, after making sure he hadn't noticed him, he pinched his hips and yelled. "SURPRIIIIIIIISE!"

The joke worked better than expected. Lovino jumped up to the ceiling.

Literally.

One moment he had his feet on the ground. The next, he was flying fifteen feet above them and screaming. And he reflexively grabbed a girder holding the roof.

Antonio froze for a second. Then he turned to the teacher and said with a concerned face: "Oops?"

Everything was that idiot's fault! Everything! He'd throw his fist into that son of a bitch's face if he could let go of that girder! But for now he didn't know what he should do. He had wrapped all of his limbs around it and was holding on with desperation. Don't look down, he thought. He knew all too well what would happen if he did. Everything would start to spin around him, he would close his eyes and start screaming and crying in spite of his Italian pride! It wasn't fair! Why did he have to be scared of heights?

And the other guy saying "oops"… Not but really. You say "oops" when you step on someone's foot, when you drop something at the grocery store, or when you start to flirt with a girl before realizing it's not a girl. But right now, "oops" was hardly appropriate. Because he was just showing how dumb he was and getting people into trouble! He heard Luna calling him from down below. "Lovino, are you alright?"

"Do I look alright, damn it? Help me the fuck ou…" Fuck… He just looked down. He felt the void calling him, his hands slipping from the beam. Reflexively, he gripped it even harder and bit his lip not to scream. He didn't want to know how he managed to jump this high. All he wanted was to feel the ground under his feet. Suddenly, he felt something change. He couldn't tell if it came from him or his perch but… Impossible! His hands and legs were digging into the metal beam!

"Lovino! Don't panic! Try to calm down or you are going to…" He wasn't even listening, trying to catch himself as well as he could. But every time he grabbed the girder, his hands dug into it even faster. It wasn't even deforming, his limbs were literally going through the matter! He was growing more and more terrified, and the more afraid he was the faster his arms and legs were losing their tangibility.

Sort of understanding what was happening, Luna turned to Antonio, an urgent glow in her eyes. The Spanish boy's eyes widened with fear. "I can't! It's way too far, I…"

"Antonio, we don't have a choice!" the teacher urged.

"But I…"

"Do it!"

Since talking didn't seem to do any good, the brown haired boy closed his eyes and focused. First, nothing happened. Then a transparent form, sort of like a glass dome, appeared right under the Italian. Antonio tensed, unfamiliar with such performances. He opened an eye to check on the young boy he was trying to save. "Okay, Lovi, you can let go," he said between clenched teeth.

"Don't call me Lovi, you bast… CHIGIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" His hands just went through the beam and so did his legs. Antonio prepared for the collision but, instead of landing on his force field as he should have, the Italian boy went through it as well, as if there had been nothing there.

"¡Mierda!" Antonio dropped his focus and the dome disappeared. Only one solution now: he threw himself under the younger boy and caught him before he touched the ground. Well, actually, he tried to catch him and his body broke his fall. He felt a crack and a terrible pain when the Italian boy's body hit his.

Terrified, Lovino had closed his eyes and was only more surprised when he saw who he had landed on. He cried out and slapped the idiot crying from pain. "Why would you do that, dumbass?" he yelled, hopping mad.

Antonio didn't answer, and Lovino realized he had passed out. Concern overwhelmed him and he slapped him again, trying to wake him up. But as much as he yelled, hit, insulted him, he wouldn't open his eyes.

Around them, nobody dared to move, afraid of making the Italian even more angry. To everyone's surprise, it was Feliciano who gathered enough courage to go and pat his twin's shoulder. He turned around brutally but didn't do anything more. "Fratello…" Feliciano said softly. "You are going to hurt him if you keep hitting him."

Lovino didn't answer but didn't try to do it again. Luna chose this moment to escape her stupefaction. "Lesson dismissed! You are all going to help me bring Antonio and Lovino to the nursery!"

Lovino protested as the young woman held him under the armpits to help him up but repressed a pained whine: his right arm and leg had taken the whole impact and beautiful nearly black bruises where already spreading on them. He was surprised he hadn't felt them while abusing his savior.

His brother grabbed his healthy arm to help him as Kiku gently held the bruised one. The rest of the students helped Luna pick Antonio up and keep him in a horizontal position. Peter, too small, couldn't help anyone, so Luna called him and asked him to go find Raivis Galante, a second year student, in Math class. He immediately ran there as the students slowly carried the victims to the nursery.

"Hey, miss! Like, the movie's over and we totally flipped and it was, like, totally awe… Hey? Miss?... Like, they're totally gone!"

"Uh? But then what do we do?"

"Lily's not here either?! What the hell happened?"

"Well, maybe the lesson is, like, over?"

"…"

"…"

"So, what do we do?"

"You do whatever you want. I'm finding Lily."

"You know your sister is a big girl, right? She can take of hers… And there he goes… Boys…"

"Like, yeah…"

"But, aren't you a boy too?"

"Yeah, so what?"

"Nothing…"

[cosmosogler]

today i got up kind of late. it’s weird. when it’s time for bed i don’t want to/can’t lay still and fall asleep. then when it’s time to get up i don’t want to get out of bed. it’s really good.

i mostly stayed in my room today... i watched the final pam at asher’s request and that was pretty great. mom and dad went to costco but i didn’t really feel up to going out in public.

mother did not bring home anything i could cook, so i had hummus for dinner. i have three different kinds: red pepper, jalapeno, and, i think, chili. i had tried making mac and cheese for dinner and that didn’t go very well. i don’t think i had even half of what i made.

after dinner i took wiley out for a quick walk. i know he always wants to be out for a long time, but i just haven’t really wanted to go too far. in the next-door neighbor’s yard we found a pigeon. it did not try to walk or fly away when we trotted up to it. before i could stop him wiley was inspecting the bird. the bird still didn’t try to get away. by the time i pulled wiley back i saw a line of drool across the pigeon’s wing. 

i was practically still on our driveway so i went back and rang the doorbell until mom answered. i told her there was an injured bird. she said so? and also “don’t touch it, they carry diseases” (typically untrue) then she went and got dad. dad came out and looked at it. it walked up to us and stood between me and wiley and dad. he said it was probably sick and to leave it alone so it could die in the wild a free bird. i watched it walk out into the street and sit there. when no cars came it picked itself up and walked the rest of the way across and sat in that neighbor’s yard under a car.

i told myself if it was still there when wiley and i got back to the house i would do something. this was... a mistake, probably, but in the long run don’t think it would have mattered. it was on randy’s driveway when we got back. i went inside and looked at some pigeon shelters in the city. then i tried to talk dad into letting me get the pigeon and set up a box for it.

he argued with me about whether or not it’s better to die at home or go to the hospital, when you could potentially survive. it felt weird because i’m not normally the kind of person who wants to live longer. but like, if something is wrong and you can do something about it, you should? while dad kept talking i went and got a box and went in the garage with mom complaining behind me from her room. he told me my box was too small and picked up a bigger one and put the rest of the hamster’s padding on the bottom. i carried the box across the street and the bird was dead. 

i kind of crouched next to it for a minute, then i went back home and told dad it was dead. he asked “really?” and it was like... why doesn’t anyone believe me when i tell them things? first it was mom and her coworkers in the office about whether or not that broken web site was working or not, it took them like a whole hour to confirm it was in fact not working. waste of my time.

dad came over to check for himself and poked it with a rock. then he rolled it over to the rocks next to randy’s driveway and left it there. i suggested we bury it in the backyard, it wouldn’t be difficult, and he said to throw it over our backyard fence into the ranch land so the coyotes could eat it. he ended up leaving it on the rocks though.

when we got inside dad made a joke about the bird and my mom cried out with “i told her not to do it! i TOLD her not to do it! i can’t believe she brought that thing in the house.” i stared at her from the living room. dad told her the bird had died. 

i don’t feel... guilty about the bird dying. if i had rescued it earlier i think it would have died around the same time. i wouldn’t have been able to keep it alive overnight to take it to a wildlife rescue. i feel guilty because, i didn’t help the bird until it was too late, just because my parents said not to. how far does the “not my business” philosophy extend? if i saw someone getting mugged, would i step in? how could i help in that situation except by calling someone else for help? would i do it even if it put me in danger?

i hope i know the answers to those questions, but the uncertainty leaves me feeling kind of cold and empty. especially since i just did what mother said AGAIN, even though i knew it wasn’t what i should have done. i let dad talk me into thinking i could just let the bird disappear and not worry about it if i didn’t see it again. he was like, it would still be alive in my imagination if i didn’t see it die. i told him i wasn’t that young any more and he said he wasn’t either but he still wanted to think that way.

“it’s just a pigeon,” one of them said. “yeah, so let’s go,” i had replied. at least, i think i did... i was thinking it. 

i cut my face in the bathroom. just ripped a whole chunk of skin off. i didn’t even manage to scratch out what i was annoyed about. even though i was proud of how well my chin and neck and cheeks were healing from last time and how i’d managed to not pick at them for days at a time. impulse is weird.

anyway, i spent most of the evening training some pokemon on the side of watching tv. i noticed that my game still seems to be acting very strangely. i was going through the elite four over and over, and you have a 1/8 chance of getting whatever challenger comes to battle you for the champion title. but i got the same guy 7 or 8 times in a row. i lost count. the first three times i was like, ok whatever, it’s happened before, but by 5 i was weirded out. then it kept happening.

i’m gonna see if the date rolling over again fixed anything. everything else seems to be working normally... wild pokemon are randomized, my festival plaza was fine if a little unlucky today, the time in the pelago was passing normally. now that the date’s changed the pelago didn’t suddenly decide i had been away for over two days, so that’s a good sign.

no matter what i searched about it on google i could not find any explanation for what happened. no one else on the entire internet has said it happened to them. the list of possible glitches in the game didn’t mention anything like it. given the date, it may have been some sort of prank? but that would have been mentioned somewhere too, i’d think.

diogi isn’t doing well at all. she can’t walk anywhere. she can’t even stand up for more than a few seconds. dad put the baby gate up at the bottom of the stairs so she couldn’t try to climb them any more. while i was downstairs having a snack around 9 she was crying and barking every now and then and looking over at me. dad’s gonna take her to mike, hopefully sometime next week. i don’t think she just has arthritis any more. jake had really similar problems with his back legs toward the end, and that was a neurological thing. i thought about investing in doggy wheels, but i don’t think she’d be able to adjust and our house isn’t really built for something that wide. and she would probably only need it for a little while...

i think eve’s leg is sort of starting to bother her too. she was looking at it earlier and she’s been licking at it now and then when she doesn’t pay much attention to her other back leg. 

i heard a song about someone mourning their dead dog earlier today and i burst into tears. 

i had meant to drink some alcohol but i kind of got wrapped up in watching game grumps and forgot to continue my intake after the first, like, sip. diogi just fell down in the hallway twice. 

last night i had miserable dreams. i don’t know why i didn’t want to get up in the morning after an... adventure... like that. i was at a school for space wizards? i wasn’t really participating in classes, since i couldn’t remember where i was going long enough to get anywhere. there was one student who was trying to end the universe by summoning a black hole. i was trying to stop him or alert the authorities but i couldn’t focus... i kept getting lost in the halls and trapped in non sequitur cutaways. one exchange really stuck out in my memory but the image going with it is kind of nonsensical. i was looking at a computer simulation of two black holes orbiting each other and everything around them was falling in. a teacher said something about different black holes and i said “there’s only one void.” like it doesn’t matter which hole it falls in, everything ends up in the same place. 

i didn’t really care about what happened to me... but i knew i had to stop the black hole wizard. not everyone wants to not be alive. at the end i think i was laying against a wall on a cobblestone road, but it was on a set of pillars. i was looking at the teacher i had teamed up with, and the boy was floating next to the road, and the black hole was there. it was breaking apart the road. i was so tired. then i woke up.

dang... i got a boost to my chances at the lottery for today and i got the lowest prize. then i got “lucky” and got another try, and got the second lowest prize. nice.

i don’t really have anything else to talk about right now. i’m not feeling too well. i was stressed out about some health stuff, but it seemed to go away by the time i had lunch. now my face just hurts. well, the cut hurts. i haven’t been able to get comfortable all day. my feet can’t seem to turn quite right and also the texture of the carpet and plastic rolly chair was bugging me. and my hands and arms are super dry because i’ve been washing my hands too much and my wrists and knuckles are cracked and bleeding. that’s pretty uncomfortable too. lotion doesn’t seem to be helping.

time for bed. laying down has been miserable the last few days. something in my gut isn’t working properly and it just... doesn’t feel good to lay down. and my back always hurts even when i do lay down. and i always have to get up 45 minutes after i go to bed because i can’t finish going to the bathroom the first time i try. that’s been happening 4-5 times a week for like two months. and i still get too nauseous to eat a few bites into my meals at least once a day whether i remember to take my meds or not.

judging from the stuff that’s still happening, despite the pain being mostly gone i still feel like something is wrong and it’s not going away and it’s making everything really difficult. if i’m out with wiley for too long it starts to kinda hurt.

i dunno. i’m going for real this time. no matter when i start writing these journals and how quick i think i’ll be, i always seem to finish just before 1. and then it takes me until after 2 to fall asleep, and then i try and fail to get up at 9:30 the next morning, and so it goes.

[soullesscoyote]

All the asks

A: How did you come up with the title to [insert fic]?My process for naming fics is eitherA) a joke name because i can't help myselfB) or a name that just sounds like "yeah that's a fitting title name"B: Any of your stories inspired by personal experience?Plenty! I try to follow the rule "write what you know" in a way to convey maybe something I've experienced, but also use it to write what I don't know about.For example I have a lower middle class family, but to write a more well off family i base it on things I've seen and experienced when younger like those times we got home from the grocery store and that first day with a ton of food and i felt like i wouldnt have to worry about eating a ton of it, or even back when i was younger (7) with a loft bed and having all my stuff organized with a spot in my room had me feel really content with my life where i felt like i had everything i wanted and couldn't ask for more. I had a 3d puzzle of the inside of a frog, an ant farm, a hamster, a framed picture of a praying mantis, a very small binder of pokémon cards, a room painted green and at that age and time felt like my life was really together despite not knowing how to articulate it. It felt like my own personal space that i had control of so to write a well of family i try to write in things that give off a similar feeling of a well put together room except a entire house that way where everything feels like it has its place. If that makes sense.C: What character do you identify with most?In Marble Hornets, Jay Merrick who just wanted to help everyone despite how many time those people tried to kill or hurt him.In Voltron, Keith in terms of not always feeling like I belong in groups and sometimes struggling to understand myself. Also Hunk whos a very caring person with a big heart.In Be More Chill i relate to Jake where in freshman year of high school i worked really hard to be the best in my classes to a point that id cry from stress every night.Jeremy feeling unimportant and more like a background character with nothing really notable about him compared to everyone else.Brooke feeling constantly like she's second best to Chloe and people using her.Christine being unsure of what she wants in life as she nears the last year of high school where she feels like she needs to decide.Rich while unsquipped seeming like he hardly knows how to handle himself in social situations and seeming incredibly anxious without a squip also being a big nerd D: Is there a song or a playlist to associate with [insert fic]?Typically if its a musical depending on viewpoint i listen to songs with those characters in it.In other things its songs that give me a similar feeling to the thing i'm writing (for example i imagine things as color pallets so i try to match them with the colors another thing gives me. Or the corresponding emotion i feel/need to feel as I write a scene.E: If you wrote a sequel to [insert fic], what would it be about?Starting From Square One? The sequel would be more of Rich adjusting to life without a squip and living a pretty happy life with Michael and them going about their lives be it them going to college and struggling or as adults with jobs and trying to figure themselves out during that since i kinda feel like life is constantly a thing of trying to figure yourself out.Out of the tons of Voltron Fics probably more on Keith being glara and the lives/background behind the galra species with how it affects keithIn hu it's hard to say. A lot of them would be hard to find a way to make sequels of but considering Starting From Square one is the only fic i managed make myself work on currently i wouldnt say its impossible to find/make sequels for any of those ficsF: Care to share a favorite hurt/comfort fic?For Be More Chill http://archiveofourown.org/works/11671890/chapters/26267448 Both because its from Michaels viewpoint and it definitely doesn't seem to go out of its way to make Jeremy a monster and make Michaels personality center around hsi panic attack like plenty fics do.G: Care to share a favorite crack fic?I'm not too big on crack fics because i personally love really long fics with character development. (crack fics are good, for me it's just my preference where most of the time i'm not in a huge mood for them) but i know this one has been p funny https://my.w.tt/UiNb/v4KNrRgajJ H: How would you describe your style?Id say i write in whatever sounds right in my mind while i'm reading to fit the mood of what i intend to portray. Its really hard to sayI: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?Already answeredJ: Write or describe an alternative ending to [insert fic].Starting from Square Ones Alternate ending would be it ending where Rich snaps at everyone and it would have a sequel of everyone in the squip squad meeting Rich in college after not seeing him for an entire year. They'd find who took online classes because he didn't want to see anyone and was still pissed and during that time he had gotten several jobs and was barely even supporting himself with how his dad doesnt care for him. (potentially where he may take up selling drugs) and everyone does try to apologize but it takes awhile for anyone to convince Rich they actually mean it.K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?In Starting From Square One there was a scrapped idea of everyone actually hating rich and him trying desperately to convince them it wasn't his fault he started the fire only when everyone finally does get proof from Jeremy who actually understands Rich's struggle because he had a squip longer Rich hasn't gone to school in well over a week and has goes missing because he's hiding from his dad. L: What's the weirdest AU you've ever come up with?I based one on a dream i had which was like a Xiaolin Showdown, meets high school au, meets almost one pieceLike if you touched these specific items they latched onto you and gave you abilities that typically corresponded to an animal or gave a animals trait to you like enhanced sense of smell, stronger legs for jumping, wings etc. It wasn't fully thought out or planned so it's a very vague idea.M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?Im writing bits and pieces of terraverse, its hard but i'm getting somewhere with it! There's others but they're like aus based off dreams that i'm yet to figure out how to explain or develop in a way they make sense.N: Is there a fic you wish someone else would write (or finish) for you?All of them tbhO: How do you begin a story--with the plot, or the characters?Typically plot first and then i'll add characters to match the plotP: Are you what George R. R. Martin would call an "architect" or a "gardener"? (How much do you plan in advance, versus letting the story unfold as you go?)It's a little bit of bothI try to plan in advance but as i write Point A going to Pont B i do find things in the story that unfold as I go and then proceed to go to my planning to find a spot to mention it again later.For example i mainly planned on in Starting From Square One that Rich would have known Michaels older brother from when he was a kid but didnt know his last name therefore didn't know he and Michael were related and as I wrote more in my planning it sort of unfolded as I wrote and became me writing in that Michaels older brother dropped out of college because of how stressful it was and Rich gos to stay with him and that's when he finds out michael and him are brothers.Q: Do you have any discarded scenes/storylines/projects?While writing if i decide suddenly I want to change something I take what i've already written of that version and paste it into a Google doc of scrapped ideas. That way if i can find a chance to implement them in another fic or other point in a chapter even if written differently i can have the general idea for what i may have intended to go off of.R: Are there any writers (fanfic or otherwise) you consider an influence?None in particular but I feel like a little bit of everything I've read and written influences my writing since i always find something somebody may have written i want to implement in a fic.Not like their idea. But small things like reading people write about Michael's parents did influence me to include Michaels parents in my fic. Not the same way they did but it was something i read that had made me stop and realize.I never considered what some of these character's families and cousins and such are thinking as they may hear about this from another viewpoint like Michael’s, Jeremy’s, Rich's, Brooke’s, Chloe's, Jenna’s, or Christine's.S: Any fandom tropes you can't resist?In voltron (before it became canon) i liked a trope that Keith isn't as angry as everyone makes him and actually is just really defensive and afraid of being seen as weak to everyone else because lance seems to constantly go to pick on him for things.In Be More Chill i stand by the Trope Jake is really smart just perhaps Ditzy and gets really excited over something and struggles to pay attention to the other details because of a long theory and research i did with all the extra curriculars jake did paired with his need to be the best. T: Any fandom tropes you can't stand?G o dIn Hollywood Undead stuff I always hated Aron being an unreasonable asshole by default.In Be More ChillJeremy's character being reduced to having been an asshole to Michael because it erases how they were friends for TWELVE YEARS and Jeremy in the bathroom did say "I missed you" TO MICHAEL. Or how Jeremy did have a lot of stressful shit happen to him minutes prior which made him get really defensive over the squip.Everytime people center Michaels personality around his panic attack i love 7 years to my life because they only go as far as Michael hates himself but never even delve into things like how Michael said to Jeremy how he wouldn't be glad to see him after he heard about his research on the squip Kinda like he anticipated Jeremy wouldn't be happy and Michael had a feeling Jeremy wouldn't outright be happy about it.(asks cut me off hold up)