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moonstruckdraws · 1 month ago

Text

I just read

The Will to Die The Need to Survive by @katerinaaqu

Trigger warning there are themes of SA and suicide in it

So be mindful please since this post will be talking about said themes, moreso the latter

It’s about Odysseus when he’s on Calypso’s island and I found it to be incredibly well written (despite not reading the Odyssey but I have free time now :D)

I've never done an analysis post, but I've definitely made posts of describing details and symbols in my art or friend's art before. Plus I write essays a lot- so this will be fun for me to try

(Also this is a really really long post)

I would have reblogged the post, but I am quite the anxious bean—I get nervous enough when I ramble about the gods or at all—and the themes aren’t stuff I’ve ever even put into my posts, so I hope you’ll forgive that.

(Comments I made already:) I’ve read a few books like Frankenstein and basically had to compare them so I could write a full essay but I won’t- (i am now lol) but the reason I bring up Frankenstein is because of the breakdowns you wrote. Victor and his creation both have this emotional spirals of depression and pain and agony where they cry out for it to end and I see it in Odysseus here. I also love the disconnect of his will to live versus his body’s instincts. His self preservation is so high in his body’s despite him craving that darkness which I can relate to. Him also initiating Calypso is so well done to me too! That he’d rather engage in pain than ponder what is plausible; that his worst fears are happening or would happen by the time he got home if he ever did. His will is cracking and he can’t go on with this trauma but he can’t take that step; he simply is physically unable. The fact that he feels the need to be ended by someone else’s hand is so profound. He literally cannot end himself and needs someone else’s to do it, there is nothing more helpless in situations like these. I have never ventured that dark but I imagine this is accurate to people who’ve made multiple attempts on their life and just couldn’t go through with it because their bodies couldn’t stand it. Honestly, it makes me only wonder if he’d go through with being killed by the gods if they heard his cries. Would be sit in comply or struggle even if it’s the same result? Would he plea for his life in that moment? Would he take his word back? Would he run? He’s clearly not weak but he is damaged greatly, so much so that he’s mechanical. And if he did think of those thoughts he refused to hear, where would he be? Would he truly go insane? Would he finally break that bridge and try to embrace Calypso? How much more would it all take? How much is too much too long? Or in reference to Victor Frankenstein, when have you gone too far? Like I said, I could go on and on about comparing the novel to your writing here, but I don’t think I should flood your comment section like that… but if I make a post… maybe

And that’s what this post is gonna be:

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"I passed the night wretchedly. Sometimes my pulse beat so quickly and hardly that I felt the palpitation of every artery; at others, I nearly sank to the ground through languor and extreme weakness. Mingled with this horror, I felt the bitterness of disappointment; dreams that had been my food and pleasant rest for so long a space were now become a hell to me; and the change was so rapid, the overthrow so complete! - Frankenstein Chapter 5: pg. 57

This is a paragraph from Frankenstein made by Victor Frankenstein the night his creation came to life. He had ran out of the house in horror and basically slept in the dirt of the courtyard to hide from it. This is the emotional expression that I found in katerinaaqu's writing of Odysseus. It's that dread and use of metaphors that make a seemingly simple paragraph feel so packed with emotion.

He had forgotten how it felt being happy. It was as if gladness and happiness were drained from his world; covered with a thick, black curtain of suffering. That was what Odysseus was thinking as he was slowly stirring awake. He had somehow fallen half-asleep, leaning against the rock at the beach. It was his small hideout, where he would sit and cry, looking towards the sea. He was once more exhausted by the tears that never seemed to drain from his eyes. [...] His previous will seemed totally lost under the burn marks to the edge of his eyelids caused from his own tears. His onyx eyes that used to burn with the fire of survival; like a wild beast in a cage that would growl and move about its prison, constantly trying to find an opening; a change to its situation, now those eyes of his were dead like scratched and faded glass - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

I found these parts of the first two paragraphs as the best comparison to the prior passage I put from Frankenstein. It's that instant sense of helplessness that hits deep in the depths of their emotions. You'll see me compare Odysseus to Victor and his creation a lot, but Victor and Odysseus are both burden with regret in these moments, though for different reasons. The two of them hold different views of accountability here. Odysseus poisons himself in self-loathing and pain of the death of all of his crew; the loss so big he cries endlessly. Victor, as we know he's an unreliable narrator, puts no blame on himself. He finds his choice to reanimate life as foolish and sinful, but does not take responsibility for his own creation and puts all the blame on the creature while claiming innocence.

It's interesting that Victor's refusal of taking accountability (or even trying to do something as he just lets his creation be someone else's problem) only causes his mental health to worsen as he's plagued with fear of what he unleashed upon the world. Whereas Odysseus's fall was a break of his will, his valiant efforts to avoid Calypso's advancements only to start bending to them. One tries, the other doesn't, and that is so fascinating to me that they both crash regardless.

Going forward, please be aware that I do not know Odysseus. I just know of the overall journey back home but I came from Epic the Musical fandom and am aware of the inaccuracies within it since I looked up what happens in the Odyssey out of my own curiosity (like Circe, the sirens, Calypso as a whole). And aside from reading a handful of posts from katerinaaqu and a few google searched articles from back in November, I know absolutely nothing of his character. All of this analysis is basic on the works being compared and written about here. So I can't accurately speak on how I think Odysseus thinks or operates, or how he might view someone like Victor if I were to ponder it here like I could do if the sides were switched.

Victor, in my opinion and experience of reading, is irresponsible. He'd rather not deal with problems with high stakes, especially those he causes. He doesn't tell anyone what he's done or warns them, and in the end everyone he knows dies. Only when he loses everything does he dedicate the rest of his life trying to take down his creation, but all those years prior, he did nothing. If put into Odysseus's shoes of being on Calypso's island, I believe he would give up. He would give up on getting home after a few months to a few years because it's the easiest thing to do. He pushes away his problems and paints over blood with gold to cover it up; he'd block out the thoughts of his family and embrace Calypso. Though I feel like he'd do the same thing Odysseus did here in shutting Calypso up when speaking of his family. How Odysseus would fair in Victor's situation I don't know, but be interested in concepts of it.

He isn't incapable of going against those who threatens him, seeing as he destroys what would have been his creation's wife before him. However, he is mentally unhealthy. He is going crazy, and in this part of Frankenstein, he believes it will all be better—that it will all be happier—when he marries Elizabeth. And then she is killed the night of their wedding, which is what makes him feel like he has nothing left to lose. Which leads to his dedication to hunting his creature down until his dying breath. If Victor was faced by a goddess, which he can never kill (plus the fact he is not experienced in combat even comparable to Odysseus), he is just stuck. He pushes his problems away instead is how he deals with things. To be embraced with eternal love is something he'd take. He would become immortal if offered. He does have a bit of a god-complex with him pursuing to reanimate life for his own desire. He ignored his family for two years, just working on this project of his, because of the glory and pleasure of recognition and greatness he could achieve. So to me, he would give into Calypso in a few months (over a year is a bit generous to me). At most, the mental weight of being away from his loved ones would break him down, but not to the level of wanting to take his life like Odysseus.

"Please... Stop withering away like that... I understand that you miss your home, who wouldn't, but at this point you know that it will only hurt you more." - Calypso - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

This part of the writing would be enough for Victor to at least consider that Calypso is right, leading him to let go and forget. He could wither away from his mental health, but if Calypso is patient enough, she could bring him back like Henry did in Frankenstein. In my mind, he'd be able to do the one thing Odysseus can't, let it all go. Or push it so far out of mind that it only attacks him at his weakest, only to be swept back up in Calypso's arms.

The two of them also have strong self-preservation. Odysseus curses his body's desire to survive despite his will's wish for death. He cannot seem to escape as everything, in some sense, is a betrayal. His self-prompted promise of making it home as an honor to his men goes against his current will to die. His weakening struggle against Calypso goes against his desire to see his home and family—to return to an embrace he loves and not one he's conditioned into. His inability to end it all goes against himself, in this being—in his mind—his only way out, and calls himself a coward for not taking that step. Insane for reaching out when he slips and crazy for his body to say thank gods that Calypso was there.

He looked behind. He had nearly fallen off! And his body had doubled over in fear! His knees were still shaking; cold sweat adorned his forehead. Cursed instinct! Cursed need to live! How pitiful living beings were! He hadn't been so close to death for years before and this was such a sudden experience! [...] His soul and heart were screaming; why did you save me! Why didn't you let me fall! And yet his body was saying; thank all gods she caught me! Thank gods I didn't fall.. The emotions were too much for him to bear... - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

I find this portion of the katerinaaqu's writing to be absolutely brilliant. A perfect display of how his mind and body are thinking two different things. He is being betrayed by so many of his decisions, yet his biggest one in this moment is his body. His "cursed need to live" is like the bane of his existence in this time of his life. He is so worn out, he can't go on, he is being pulled in multiple directions—it is all so twisted and exhausting and confusing for him. And while I he shares a his self-preservation with Victor, I feel like he aligns more with Frankenstein's creature in struggles. But the lines, "Cursed need to live! How pitiful living beings were!" is similar to this passage in Frankenstein to me:

Alas! Why does man boast of sensibilities superior to those apparent in the brute; it only renders them more necessary beings. If our impulses were confined to hunger, thirst, and desire, we might be nearly free; but now we are moved by every wind that blows and a chance word or scene that that word may convey to us. - Frankenstein Chapter 10: pg. 93

I can't articulate what speaks out to me about how these connect, but it's there.

"Life, although it may only be an accumulation of anguish, is dear to me, and I will defend it." - Frankenstein's creature - Frankenstein Chapter 10: pg. 95

This is when the creature first shows up to Victor in the mountains. It's ironic that the one born of suffering is the one who valued staying alive the most (in this moment) than the other two that start wishing for death due to their suffering.

Cursed, cursed creator! Why did I live? Why, in that instant, did I not extinguish the spark of existence which you had so wantonly bestowed? I know not; despair had not yet taken possession of me; my feelings were those of rage and revenge. - Frankenstein's creature - Frankenstein Chapter 16: pg.

This occurs right after the cottagers drive the creature out of their home upon discovering him. Its early life is so somber in how he never got to experience it. The creature thinks of ending his life twice: in this moment, and then after Victor's death. This sorrow in this moment is most similar to Odysseus to me.

Both of them are still alive despite what their wills are saying, and while the creature doesn't curse himself for staying alive, he does curse his existence. His own life is unlivable like how Odysseus thinks his life is also unlivable. Both of them can only take on so much pain before cracking under.

Alright, enough with the comparing and contrasting, onto the more fun part for me.

I love the way Odysseus acts with Calypso in this. The mechanical movements to the use of tactics to get her to steer away from certain subjects. Honestly, I can imagine that Odysseus would've or used to do this a lot, in the sense that he'd use Calypso's love for him to predict what she'd do and say to try and avoid it. Maybe it worked for a short time, then it worked but she'd steer back to her original intentions, and the maybe it only ever worked on some days. Maybe it was due to his will breaking, or maybe the repetition broke down his will first.

His mood was getting harder and harder to comprehend, she realized. The past weeks he would come back more and more exhausted. Despite the fact she tried to relieve him off many things, he seemed to be withering away. He didn't seem sick or ill. Just sad. - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

I can't help but wonder what Calypso would do if she fully broke Odysseus. I say "fully broke"—despite him wishing for death and for once giving into her desires (though it was to make her shut up)—as in making him let go of everything. The only way for him to fully embrace Calypso is for Odysseus to let go of his family, his friends' and their deaths, the promises he placed upon himself, and all the love he's ever held for anyone.

And it just isn't something Odysseus can do. Not without being someone else, or be a fully emotionless being that just goes through the motions. It's similar to how he is here, but a fully broken Odysseus probably wouldn't care if he initiated Calypso like he does in this writing.

"Anything...! I'll do anything as long as you shut up! Shut up! Shut up! Stop badmouthing my home...my wife and son... Please no more...! Stop it! Or rather, be silent altogether! I don't want to hear your voice anymore! No! Not anymore...!" - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

The fact that Odysseus would do anything to not hear Calypso talk about his home is so real to me. He isn't doing it exclusively because she's badmouthing everything he has left to care about, but because he is avoiding thinking these thoughts themselves. That the words she says are entirely in the realms of possibility, and are only becoming more possible as the years go by. His family is growing up and old without him. His family is moving on without him. Things are moving forward, going great, doing amazing—all without him. The thought that if he ever made it home only to find that he has no place in his home or his family's hearts could kill him. Because if all of that was true, what would he do? He'd have to ask that question, that possibility.

Would he stay in Ithaca? Would he move far away? Would he find love again? Could he ever be capable of marrying another woman without feeling sick that it wasn't Penelope? Would he ever possibly have children and not think that he wasted missing the life of his first son? Would he cry if it was another son he'd have? If he had a daughter, would he cry that she doesn't look like Penelope?

Would he regret leaving Calypso's island?

All of thoughts are too big to think about without a part of him dying, especially the last. The thought that after all this time, he'd ever have thoughts of regret in regards to not being with Calypso would pierce him like a spear. That all this fighting and resisting to stay true to his love was pointless as everyone else has moved on would be claiming insanity to him. That admitting Calypso is right. That he should have stopped thinking about his family and home, that it only caused more pain. He would not be able to bare it, to entertain it.

And so he did what he thought would shut her up, even if he regretted it after.

"Why gods! Why...! Why...! Just...release me already! I paid all years of Troy with years of my life! No more...please...!" [...] "Gods! Men of my age die...! Why! Why! Just let me die...let me be done with this! I don't care anymore how...just finish it already!" As usual his silent prayer fell in silent ears. Never before his arduous trip had he felt more abandoned, more alone, than what he was feeling now... - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

THIS right here is my favorite part of katerinaaqu's writing. I adore this so much as it give me the most questions about Odysseus and thoughts about him. The fact he calls for the GODS to end his life—I can't explain it why it grapples me so much!

"GODS!" he yelled to the heavens, "PLEASE! JUST TAKE MY LIFE ALREADY!" His voice was being once more carried away by the winds. "ATHENA! HERMES! ZEUS! Someone! SOMEONE! Please" He collapsed on his knees sobbing. "Someone...I beg of you end me already! Take my life! Please...!" - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

He can't bring himself to take that final step, because his body won't allow it. He can't end his own life, so he calls out to the gods multiple times. He has tried pleading with the literal gods.. to kill him.. because he can't do it himself. It makes me wonder what else has he tried if he has? To me, it all seems futile, as he never is able to commit to it. Has he tried not eating or drinking? Seeing as it's impossible to do it now with Calypso hanging over his shoulder, and that she'd keep him alive if he tried that. Plus I doubt he'd be able to go through starvation, the pain being too great. He'd want a swift end, and even then he can't commit to it. If a boulder were to fall on top of him just by circumstances, he'd move out of the way, even if his feet were chained to the ground. His body's will to live is just that strong and he despises it. So much so he feels as though only divinity can let him rest now.

He even almost asks Calypso to end his life and has made thoughts of making her angry enough to enact punishment upon him that would kill him. And if he did manage to ask that of her—she'd never do it of course—it'd make his life so much worse as she'd likely never leave his side. How much more can he suffer? How much longer? How much is too much too long? I can only wonder what would happen if he went on so much longer. And faced by the gods to answer his pleas, would he even go through with it?

"I can't..."he mumbled, "I can't anymore...how...how can a person take so much?" - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

He'd run, he'd struggle, he'd survive. Despite himself, he'd survive. It's his body against his mind, and every time when it comes it his life, his body will always win.

"Woe is me..." he mumbled in realization, "My soul that wishes release is trapped in a body that needs to survive!" - The Will to Die The Need to Survive

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I just adore katerinaaqu's writing here, and with free time on my hands now, I'll have to find a place to read other works! This is Part 4 of her story "Survivor's Guilt and Survivor's Duty" all relating to Odysseus if interested. And these are:

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

of the story mentioned prior. I'll be excited to read the other two when I get the chance. (The third part was just the one to be on my feed so-). I'd recommend reading them if interested or reading other posts by katerinaaqu as she makes posts about mythology (and can translate the text herself which is really cool :0)

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