#saw the love song quote online somewhere and i thought it was beautiful

[eightmakesonebraincell]

So recently two of my close friends got together, and the guy had to ask me what to talk to her about cause he was so nervous and worried about being awkward and she’s really shy as well!!!!

I was wondering if you have any headcanons about experiencing a friends turned lovers relationship with Sannie? I recently found your blog and you’re such a good writer! 🫶🏻

omg that sounds STANKIN CUTE i'm so happy for your friends 🥹🫶 and i'm sorry this answer is so late bc i've been drowning in work but !!

you and bestie!san are pretty much always within two feet of each other. if you're not studying together or bothering the other during their work shift, then you're hanging out at one of your houses because you're both homebodies. and because you're both naturally affectionate people, you'll often find yourselves sharing the same blanket, legs and arms tangled as you watch a shitty movie and eat equally as shitty snacks.

at first, it's just one person who asks whether you two are dating. and you two laugh it off and say of course not, we're just friends. but then one turns into two, and two turns into four, and even your mutual friends are starting to ask when you two are going to make it official. it sort of stumps you, because what makes your friendship with san look different to everyone else? what about it is romantic?

but then you think you start to realise what they mean. you start to see how san will search for your eyes amongst everyone elses when he's cracked a joke, and his expression will brighten when he sees that you're laughing too. you start to hear how san's raspy voice automatically softens whenever he is talking to you, sweetened just for your ears. you start to feel how his fingertips slowly dance over your skin when you're pressed to his chest, like he is mapping out the wonders of a treasure.

suddenly, the love songs are all about him. 

san's used to having people ask why you two aren't dating. but he's never had the question come from you. the credits of the movie are rolling and you are warm and snug against him on his couch when you drop the sudden question. san has always thought about what his answer would be, but he's never been able to come up with one that he likes. apart from, "i guess...because i've never asked."

because for san, the love songs have always been about you.

[jeonggukkiepabo]

LONELY CHRISTMAS [MIN YOONGI] | FAMILY GATHERINGS

SUMMARY: Christmas has always been your second favorite holiday of the year, especially since you and your boyfriend Yoongi were literally inseperatable. Well, usually you were. But BTS gets more and more famous - world tours, award shows and other idol priorities making it almost impossible to spend this year’s Christmas with your second family. 

WARNINGS: so much fluff, but also the dirty kind of smut. fingering, oral (male and female receiving), choking, spitting, raw sex (i dont need to say anything, do i?), switch!yoongi, switch!reader, fighting for dominance, Yoongi being meow meow but also rawr.

QUOTES USED: 2. “That’s the eggnog talking. I’m cutting you off.” 4.  “Don’t be such a Scrooge.” 6. “It’s snowing.” 7. “Open it.” 9. “I’m just happy you’re here.” 24.  “Is this the part where we kiss?” 31.  “Help me decorate.” 

Now; Merry (early) Christmas, celebrate well & enjoy this filthy ride to hell.

Also, a big thanks to @holyfluffly​, who spent her precious time reading through this & checking for any mistakes. ♥

Since December started to come around – and you finally decided that it was time to stop binging on your favorite Halloween movies -, your house changed from spoopy graveyard to Rudolph’s shed. Fairy lights and beautiful garlands were hung up everywhere and once you plugged all your Christmas lights in, your house was lighter than “Son Goku in his final form”. At least that’s what Jungkook used to describe it when he first stepped into your winter wonderland. It was a tradition your boys always teased you with, but it was a tradition you brought with you from your home country that you wouldn’t want to miss. Your mother used to hang up lights everywhere, different Christmas shapes (you once had this weird reindeer light that looked more like a stabbed donkey, but… well) on every window and your balcony while she said “No matter how far apart we are, your light shines on me” – and 2 years after her death, was your most favorite thing to do once the calendar hit December. That, and ordering a shit ton of products from the LUSH and Bath and Body Works Christmas range. Jimin really loved the welcoming smell of cotton candy and gingerbread men, but Jin would sneeze when you sprayed all their pillows with the Snow Fairy body spray.

Usually, it was Taehyung’s favorite task to pick out a Christmas tree with you, decorating it with the entire family (that obviously consisted of all his band mates, their dogs and you), but this time it was just you, Tannie and Holly  walking around the tree field and picking a random one, much smaller than what  you’d usually get. There won’t be any presents underneath it anyway. Decorating wasn’t any fun, your Christmas playlist wasn’t helping, the smell of cotton candy wasn’t sweet enough. You made way too many Christmas cookies that wouldn’t be eaten. Your favorite pair of fuzzy socks had a huge hole in them and, oh well, your boyfriend wouldn’t be there for this year’s Christmas.

“Don’t be such a Scrooge, Y/N! It’s festive season!”, Jungkook yelled from somewhere behind Yoongi, energetic as always. “I wouldn’t be a Scrooge if my boyfriend and my friends would be here, celebrating the fest of love with me.” You mumbled quietly, a heavy sigh leaving your chest. It was currently the 17th of December, the first snow has fallen over Seoul, your fireplace crackling softly in the background. Yet, you were freezing. “Jagi, come on. It’s just another day of the year, we’ll be fine. We have New Year’s together, what’s the deal?” Your boyfriend didn’t care that much about festive traditions, hating the thought of Valentine’s Day or Halloween, not even speaking about the stress he always has around the Christmas season. For them, worldwide superstars, it was just another workday.

“You’re just happy you don’t need to wear one of our Christmas sweaters, huh?”, you scolded him, knowing his hate for the scratchy sweaters with the ugly patterns that you always made him and the boys wear for photos and your Christmas dinner at home. “Yeah, I won’t even start talking about those Rudolph ears you bought for our photo last year…”, Yoongi smirked. “I loved those!”, you vaguely heard the voice of Jimin in the background, Taehyung agreeing him on that. “I still wear those whenever I wash my face, thank you Y/N!” Sighing, you wished you were right there, with your loud and energetic boys, instead you were suffering on your own, the pout never leaving your lips.

“Boys, you’ve got 10 Minutes left!”, their tour manager interrupted your sulking, Yoongi nodding at him. “We’ll be right there.” He smiles at your pout, sticking out his bottom lip as well. “I’ll call you after the show, okay? Will you be still awake?” BTS was currently on world tour, playing somewhere in Europe and the time differences made it rougher than ever to talk to your boyfriend every day. You shrug, shivering under the thought of another sleepless night without your love, without the sounds of Taehyung and Jungkook fighting over some videogame and without the thought of Jin’s delicious breakfast to wake up to. “I guess I will, see you later, Yoongs. Bye Tae, bye Jungkook, bye Jiminie!”, you wave to the boys you considered family before smiling sadly at Yoongi. “Good luck, I’m sure you guys will rock that country! I love you.” “I love you too, Jagi. I’ll text you before I’m going to call you, okay? Try and rest.” “Bye, Noona!” Then the screen went black, all you could see was your own sad appearance in one of Yoongi’s oversized Hoodies.

Days went by, you didn’t have the chance to talk very much to Yoongi because of yours and their working schedule, they were currently in the States to record another hit song with some famous American singer that would explode on the Charts the second it comes out. Sure, you loved your boy’s music, you could listen to them sing and rap for hours, they worked hard and deserved all their success – but you didn’t wonder that all of them weren’t in a relationship. Tour life was hard, not only for their girlfriends but for them, too. A simple picture from across the world with a random girl could ruin relationships, just because of a misunderstanding. When you and Yoongi started dating a couple of years ago, Jin had a long-distance relationship – which already sucks for ‘normal’ human beings, but for worldwide superstars? A catastrophe because you couldn’t just come home to your significant other. It was over for them after a few months because she met a nice guy from her apartment complex, because he was there while Jin wasn’t. It was sad, especially for the Maknaes, because they needed affection, they needed their experience, they needed love. Instead, they had to have One Night Stands, making sure that those girls wouldn’t talk about their “night with BTS”. Truth be told it was too much work to find a girl to get laid, so they’d simply refuse, giving into their frustration and suffer from loneliness.

With Yoongi, things were easy. He didn’t get jealous whenever you hung out with other guys, but he also didn’t give you any reason to be jealous as well. People always describe him as “cold”, “depressed” or “weird guy that’s always quiet”, but once he warmed up to you, he was even funnier than Jin, his dry humor and loving gestures winning over your heart immediately. He was a family person, loving to be in a cozy home surrounded by his bandmates and you, even if he’d never say that out loud, all of them knew it. Yoongi was a loving person, whether he was showing it or not.

The 20th December rolled around quicker than you thought, last minute presents were bought, the house completely decorated and one Christmas movie after the other was playing on TV – but you were still sulking. “You didn’t even help me decorate! I had to do all of that by myself!”, you switched your phone camera so you could show Jimin how beautiful the living room looked, smiling at his little pout. “Noona!”, he whined, “Don’t be angry, okay? I promise you I’ll decorate for New Year’s all by myself.” “Don’t worry, Jiminie, it’s not your fault you can’t be here. Where’s Hobi? I’m watching his favorite Christmas movie, but I can’t get in the mood without my sunshine.” Jimin looks around, his lips twitching, but he remained quiet. “Jimin?” “He’s… uhhhh… He’s doing stuff with Yoongi and Tae?” You raise an eyebrow at him, taking another sip of the creamy eggnog you ordered online because it was nowhere to be found in Seoul. “Are you lying, Jiminie?” “No, but… Oh, Jungkook calls for me, bye Noona!” Sighing, you dropped your phone aside, head tilting towards the window while a soft smile appeared on your lips. It’s snowing.

On the 24th December, the boys had their last official concert of the year – in Australia. A 13-hour flight away, plus the two-hour time difference that made your heart sink, because whenever you were ready to call Yoongi, he was already too tired because of the concert and travel exhaustion. As one of the idol’s girlfriend, it was basically your job to watch their performances, you streamed all of them, no matter what time it was in your time zone, but it wasn’t as good as it would be when you were there. You loved going to their concerts, not standing backstage to watch the show, no. You preferred going into the crowd, singing and dancing along with ARMYs from around the world and watching your family from down there, enjoying their glow and sensual performances from a fan’s perspective. But today, it was just you and your laptop, watching the stream in your bed, a cup of your favorite tea beside you, Tannie on your lap and Holly somewhere besides you under the blanket, asleep like always. A smile was plastered on your face as you saw that all of them were wearing those “stupid Rudolph ears” – even if Yoongi looked grumpier than ever. You were fascinated as always – how could those cute little boys turn into Korean gods within two seconds? Of course, the Maknaes were the center of attention, fans chanting for them, dancing and screaming – you couldn’t deny the fact that they looked great, but exhaustion was plastered on all of their faces. Your eyes were plastered on the smol bean that caught your heart and as if he knew, he smiled into the camera, giving it a finger heart.

The 25th December was rough, you didn’t even want to get out of bed, staying under the covers for several hours after waking up. There was no reason so get up if there wasn’t anyone to give presents to. You didn’t use your phone, watching The Nightmare before Christmas again because if you acted like it was still Halloween, you wouldn’t be as sad that you were alone on your second favorite holiday of the year. It was around 12pm when the two dogs came into your room, whimpering because you didn’t take them out yet. “Ugh, fine, fine. Let me grab my shoes and we’ll go out”, you mumbled groggily while heaving your tired body out of bed. Pulling your slippers over your cold toes as you tied your hair out of your face. You didn’t plan to go out for too long, so you didn’t even try to make yourself look good. Humming the movie’s soundtrack, you made your way downstairs, surprised by the warm scent of cinnamon and vanilla that filled the house. “Huh, did I leave my candles on?” With furrowed eyebrows you  check the living room, not wanting to burn the entire house down on Christmas, but you stood still in shock when you realized why it smelled just the way it did.

Jimin and Jin were busy in the kitchen, baking cookies and cooking up your Christmas dinner. Jungkook and Taehyung were building a giant gingerbread house while Namjoon sat besides them, frustrated over his own ruined house laying in broken pieces. Hobi placing all of the presents underneath the Christmas tree while Yoongi sat on the couch, Holly on his lap and a loving smile on his face as he saw you in your sleepy state with a frown on your face. “Merry Christmas, babe.”

Suddenly, seven pairs of eyes were on you, smiles beaming across the entire room and seconds later you were caught in a warm, cozy group hug. “Surprise, Noona!”, Jungkook beamed as he pressed a kiss on your cheek, receiving a flip against his forehead from Yoongi. “Lips away, you can kiss Taehyung, not my girl.” Taehyung’s cheeks burned a bright red, Jungkook looked away while biting his lips and Jimin just smirked but pressed you tight against his body. “We’re glad to be back.” Jin groaned, pulling you out of the hug. “Let that poor girl alone, she needs to collect her thoughts first. Look at her”, he pointed towards your face, shock still written across it as you looked into each of your boys’ faces. “You… I mean, how… You were… Australia?” Your boyfriend laughed, now pulling you into a tight hug while burying his nose in your hair, inhaling the familiar scent that always calmed him down. “We’re here, that’s all that matters.” “We took the first plane back home, but we’ve been waiting for you to get up since 9AM, what did you do? It’s Christmas, usually you’d set an alarm at 6AM to run and check your presents”, Hobi pouted, pointing towards the tree.

“I didn’t have a reason to be up, so I watched The Nightmare before Christmas. But now, I’m just happy you’re here”, you smiled fondly at all of them, “Open your presents. Especially you, Babe. Open it!” You clap your hands excitedly, jumping up and down as you hand them their presents: a big, soft blanket for Jimin, so he can roll himself up in it and be cozy the entire holidays. A new Japanese knife for Jin, because Namjoon broke his favorite knife when he tried to cut through a book – don’t ask, nobody knows why he did that. Namjoon got a new KAWs figure he didn’t have the chance to buy yet while Hoseok got a new Palm Angels hoodie. Taehyung and Jungkook got some games for their PlayStation and a set of new controllers, because… well, Jungkook tends to destroy them when he’s in a rage. Yoongi’s present was hard to find because he basically has everything he wants and you weren’t too familiar with all those high end music technologies that you could give him, so you decided on a spa weekend over the holidays, just the two of you in a fancy wellness resort. Exactly what he needed after that tour. “Y/N, you must be poor by now! I should have gotten you a gift card or something”, Taehyung pouted, “You spent way too much on our presents!” You smiled, shaking your head and pressed a soft kiss on his cheeks. “Everything for my family. You’re all that I have left.”

The day went by way too fast; a fabulous Christmas buffet was set up by Jin, eggnog and wine handpicked by the youngest Maknae and Christmas movies of Jimin’s choice made up for all the days you spent sulking in your room. “I love you guys so much. I can’t believe you surprised me like that! Ugh, I really thought I had to spend Christmas with just the dogs.” You placed your head on Yoongi’s shoulder, cuddling deeper into the soft material of his hoodie while he rubbed your shoulder. “That’s the eggnog talking, love. You’re the anchor of our little family, we couldn’t be apart from you over the holidays, Jungkook would’ve driven us crazy and Namjoon would set the hotel on fire while trying to light a Christmas candle”, Yoongi mumbled. “A Christmas wonder! Yoongi confessed his feelings! Tweet that, Namjoon!”, Hoseok yelled while earning a slap on the back of his head from Jimin. “Don’t scare him, he’s like a deer right now, if we just ignore it, maybe he’ll say something nice about us too!” Yoongi just rolled his eyes, pulling you closer toward his small frame while mumbling “Idiots”.

It was past  midnight, your tummies filled with delicious snacks and desserts, brain fogged because of the amount of alcohol all of you drank that day – and you were just happy to finally be in bed with your boyfriend again. “You know how lonely the nights were without you? Not just you, but also the boys. I even missed Jungkook’s animal imitations”, you sighed, “I missed breakfast, without Jin all I ate was toast and cucumbers. I’m lucky to be part of your family.” Yoongi smiled, a precious, rare smile that showed all his love for you.

“I had time to think on tour, you know. It’s rough, you not being there with me, I saw all those places, cities and famous buildings, but didn’t have you to share those moments with. I had dinner with Taehyung right in front of the Eiffel Tower, I shared a Pizza in Venice with Jungkook, had beer with Hoseok in Berlin, but I wish I had all those moments with you, love. So, I’m bad at this stuff, you know that. The entire world knows that, but you also know that I love you. And I wish you could be the person by my side on tour, on every tour. I wish you could be my +1 at events, dinner parties or during award shows. I even talked to our management, because an ‘official girlfriend’ is dangerous for all of us. But I didn’t want the world to meet you as my girlfriend, Y/N. I want them to finally meet you as my wife, the woman that won’t ever leave my side. This is probably trashy and I could use better opportunities for that, but… Y/N, my love, my flower, my angel, would you marry me?” Yoongi, the smooth guy he was, pulled out a simple yet beautiful rosé gold ring – without a box – from the pocket of his sweats, sitting in front of you on your bed, crossed legs and a nervous smile on his face. You couldn’t hide the pout on your face, lips quivering and tears dwelling in your eyes while you looked at the beautiful man in front of you, the beautiful ring in his hands and outside, snowflakes fall from the sky. Everything was perfect. “Yoongi… Yes! Fuck, of course!”, you jumped into his lap, not caring about the pling your engagement ring made when it fell to the floor, because right now, your fiancé was more important. You showered his face in kisses, not caring the slightest about the grumpy noises he made – even if they were fake, because he was just as happy as you were. His smile was beautiful, something you didn’t see that much because he seldom smiled so brightly even his bottom teeth were showing. “Is that the part where we kiss?”

You didn’t hesitate to press your lips onto his, soft and loving, sweet and tender. “Min Yoongi, is that the part where you turn into the sweet little kitten your fandom thinks you are?” Smirking, Yoongi growls at you, showing you his teeth once more. “Oh baby, I’m going to show you that nothing on my body is little.” His lips were back on yours, his hands buried in your hair as he made his way between your legs, almost crushing you with the comfortable weight of his body on yours. Whatever loving, sweet innocent kiss you shared before, this one was completely different. It gave way to heated passion as you both continue the lustful, erotic exchange. Yoongi’s shaking but skilled hands started to peel off your ugly Christmas sweater and the rest of your clothes, falling to the floor forgotten, before he gently bites along your jaw and the nape of your neck, leaving a trail of love bites on the way down there. Your moans fill the room that still smells like cinnamon and cotton candy, combined with Yoongi’s musky scent and the sweet scent of a heated make-out session. With his lips still attached to your soft skin, you take the opportunity to catch him off guard and flip both your bodies into a new position; you now straddling his slim waist. Yoongi’s lips widened in shock, then turned into a bright smirk. “Someone’s feisty.” You just smile at him sweetly, cutting off his words as you wrap your hands around his beautiful throat, leaning your face towards his ear. “I wouldn’t speak  like that in such a position, Babe.”

Yoongi’s voice hitched, “Y/N”, he whined. The same hand that restricted his airways comes up to slightly slap his scruffed cheek, but it had still enough force to leave a sting that reminded him not to speak up anymore. “Aren’t you going to be a good boy? Or should I call you a good little kitten? Would you like that?” He shakes his head quickly, baring his teeth once more. “Shut that, love. You won’t be able to tame a lion. I’m not a small kitten.” He knows he could switch positions any time, hell, you knew that too. But you also knew that he enjoyed that position  too much to change anything now. Shaking your head in displeasure, you crawl down the bed to be at eye level with his beautiful cock. The cock  that had you limping almost every night, that never fails to give you pleasure, that already sends tingles to your core. Your hands were cold against the prominent vine that ran from his shaft to his leaking tip, red and sensitive as you licked your finger to circle around it. Tiny moans – mewls – left his mouth, causing you to giggle. You knew it. His balls were tight, full and hurting. He was away for so long, having almost no time to pleasure himself. You cooed, the other hand coming up to gently play with them, rolling them around as you kept applying pressure to his tip. Yoongi’s groans got louder and louder once your mouth was finally working its magic on him, his hands buried inside the loose strands of your hair, trying to shove you down deeper. Much to your displeasure.

You hissed, letting go of his length as you crawled up to sit on his toned chest. Smiling, you slid your fingers through your soaked folds, holding them in front of his sweaty face. “Suck.” Oh, and how he sucks. His tongue working circles around your digit, collecting your sweet juices as he hums happily. “You’re my toy. A fucking toy, do you understand that? You don’t get to make rules here, Yoongi. If I want to suck your cock, I’ll do it how I want, not how you want it. Or did I miss something?” You made sure his eyes never left yours, fingers still inside his  mouth – and you just decided to shove them down a bit deeper, making him gag around them just like he wants you to gag around his cock. “I asked you something, pretty babe. Mind answering?” Yoongi hums again, not able to speak with your fingers down his throat, but it was good enough of a try for you. It wasn’t every day you got the chance to dominate Min Yoongi, you were sure to getting everything out of it. You pulled your now wet digits out of his mouth, wiping away his spit somewhere in his mint colored hair, as you turned around to sit on his face, just like he loves you to do. By now, his only problem was holding back his load, eating your pussy wouldn’t help with that though. “Now, are you going to cum for me, precious? While devouring my pussy? I bet you’d like that, huh?” Yoongi hums again, his hands already on your ass to spread your cheeks, allowing him to dive deep into your pussy, drinking your juices, slurping them down like a fine, ripe wine. Teasingly, you continued to jerk him off, enjoying the tension in his body, his concentration on your pussy rather than his own orgasm. “Mh, wait. I changed my mind. Hold it, you don’t have my permission just yet”, you laughed as you squeezed his balls – but he wasn’t able to control it or hold it back. His cock twitched uncontrollably, one small rope of cum leaving the tip. “Ugh, look at that”, you sighed while shaking your head, sitting down deeper on his face – your ass now flat against his forehead as his tongue, the oh so famous rapper tongue, worked its wonders.

If Yoongi was frustrated, he didn’t show it. He knew better. Even though it was his first real orgasm in weeks, his first ruined orgasm in weeks, he stood up the man he was and continued what he was here for. Pleasuring his fiancé. Just before your orgasm arrived, you crawled down again, collecting the small puddle of cum with your tongue and fed it to your soon to be husband. You let him taste himself, he swallowed greedily. “Such a good boy”, you purr while wiping the sweat from his forehead. “Now, I hope you know who you belong to.” Yoongi just nods, licking his lips to still taste you. “Tell me who you belong to, Yoongi”, you command.

“You, babe. Only you. I belong to you”, Yoongi moans out as you started to grind against his smooth thigh, picking up your desired pace as you used him to satisfy your own desire. His hands were on your hips, guiding you and helping you to speed up, but just before your orgasm reached his peak, just one little rock of your hips missing, he turned you around, leaving you with a ruined orgasm as well. “Fucking son of a bi-“, your frustration interrupted by Yoongi’s teeth biting into your nipple, his hand smacking your other tit. “Oh, that’s not a nice word, baby”, he pouts while pinching both of your erect buds with a bit too much force. A sharp stinging sensation radiating through your body. “Fuck, Yoongi”, you moaned, desperate for release. “Now, now”, he tzed as he looked down at your trembling body. “Sucks to be played with, huh?” Elegant fingers started to rub circles into your swollen nub, your body rising from the mattress just to be pushed back by your fiancé. “Still”, he orders, plunging two of his long, delicate fingers into your dripping hole. Yet, you needed more. “Yoongi”, you whined. “Are you going to be a good girl now? Instead of a fucking brat?” “Yes!”, you cried out, tears running down your cheeks, hoping he’d just do something. “Good, because bad girls disgust me”, he spoke through clenched teeth as he pulled out his fingers and shoved his cock inside you within seconds. “Fuck fuck fuck, yes!”

“Shut up! Or do you want the boys to come in and join you, huh? You want our little Maknae see how stuffed you are?” Yoongi always knew about your affection for Jungkook, the way his doe eyes always make your heart jump, leaving it impossible to deny whatever he wanted from you while addressing you as his ‘favorite Noona’. You were weak for him, but you wouldn’t want him to see you in such a situation. Shaking your head in shame, you pout as you dig your heels into his ass to get him to move faster. “Make me cum, please. I love you”, you whine, word for word leaving your lips as he thrusts deep and powerful into your clenching hole. Just before another beg could leave your lips, Yoongi’s index finger slipped past them, your chin securely trapped between his thumb and middle finger. His other hand slowly found its place on your neck. “Look at you”, he smiles. “Such a good girl, knowing how to beg like a big girl.” You whimper again, squeezing around him as he slowed his pace with a devilish smirk. Your lips played with the tip of his finger while the thumb of his other hand came down to circle your clit painfully slow, spitting onto it and watching his finger mixing it with your arousal. Your eyes rolled into the back of your head, both of your hands gripping the wrist that was choking you. “Tighter, please”, you gasped out, enjoying the feeling of almost no air coming to your lungs. Oh, how Yoongi loved to see you struggle for air, just as much as you loved to be on the receiving end. “You gonna come for me, angel?”, he growled as he tightened his grip, already feeling his own orgasm approaching. “Going to cum around my thick cock, huh?” You nod, already seeing spots in your vision, your orgasm shooting through your body just like a firework as soon as Yoongi released you, allowing the blood to shoot back into your head. You couldn’t control your body anymore, gushing against him as you rode out your high with closed eyes. That alone triggered Yoongi’s orgasm, a loud scream leaving his lips as he finally released inside you. “Fuck, you squirted all over me”, he groaned while looking at the mess you made, his stomach glistering in your juices. “I don’t care, I want to snuggle my Grinch now”, you pouted with grabby hands, smiling happily as Yoongi obeyed.

“I think we lost the ring somewhere between our clothes”, Yoongi mumbles with his sleepy voice, “I hope Taehyung won’t find it, he was the one that chose it – ‘If Y/N says no, I’ll wear that one happily’.” Suddenly you’re wide awake, knees on the floor and digging through your clothes to find the symbol of your love. “Got it!”, you yelled as you threw it to Yoongi, holding your left hand in front of his face. “You’ve got the honor, babe.” Smiling, he slid the ring over your finger. The black diamonds sparkling in the dim light of your room, the rosé gold complimenting your skin tone perfectly, just like the man in front of you does. Your fiancé, soon to be husband, the love of your life. “Merry Christmas, love.”

[wishingupontheskyandstars]

For Reylo Week 2020 

Day 1: Favorite Song Lyric or Quote 

Fanfic inspired by Quote: 

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along.” 

– Rumi

https://archiveofourown.org/works/23871826/chapters/57382366

Title: Together Always

Summary: In a new world and new life, Rey and Ben Solo, attend the same University and same class. They are drawn towards one another for reasons unknown... Until they happen to touch, revealing a part of themselves, from another life, another galaxy...

Part I

     Ben Solo couldn’t explain it, but there was something about her that was familiar. He observed her unique triple bun hairstyle that made him happy for a reason he didn't know.

The syllabus had just been thoroughly discussed and everyone was separated into small critique groups for their creative writing course at Coruscant University, in the heart of New Republic City. After a minute of awkward stares, making sure their desks were in a small circle, and wondering who should start first, she spoke.

"My name is Rey," she began. She went into a rhythm of tapping her fingers on her binder and making a fist as she spoke. She was nervous, Ben could tell. "I'm a first-year, major undecided, and—" She briefly looked at Ben and gave him a curious look before she looked away. "—I look forward to working with all of you this semester." She finished with a small grin and looked down at her clasped hands.

Rey heard her fellow students, Rose and Jacen, give their introductions, and for some reason, her chest quickened when she finally heard his voice. "I'm Ben—Political Science Major. This is my final year and I always wanted to take a writing course...So here I am," he finished with a shrug. Rey saw he made a fist like her and knew he must have been nervous as well. She stared at his almost shoulder-length dark wavy hair; she wanted to run her hands through it. Her daze was interrupted when Ben stared back at her, his look in curiosity as if he was trying to place her. The thing was, Rey was puzzled as she felt she saw this man before...Maybe in a dream? She shook looked away.

"Well, I suggest we get each other's email addresses so we can send each other our first short stories," Rose said, pulling a piece of paper and handing it to Jacen first.

As Jacen wrote, he mentioned, "I could send my story first. I've been wanting to get some feedback." He handed the paper to Rey.

"I'll go after you!" Rose exclaimed. She gave everybody a warm smile, making everybody in their group feel at ease.

Rey slid the paper across from her, towards Ben. They stared at one another until he looked away, taking the paper and writing his e-mail address. She looked around at her classmates and said, "I'll go after you, Rose."

"Awesome!" Rose said enthusiastically. She pointed at Ben. "That makes you..."

"Last--yup, I'm good." Ben nodded, looking at Rey and found she was staring at him, again. This time they smiled at each other before looking away.

Rose, seeing their exchange smiled as she said, "Also, I must say Rey, I love your hairstyle. It's so cute!"

"Oh," Rey touched her buns and gave a small shrug. "Thank you. It's something I've always done since I can remember."

"That's sweet," Rose said, nodding. "My sister Paige and I have these matching medallions from our hometown, Hays Minor. We've had them ever since we can remember too." Rose and Rey smiled at each other, in understanding. Rose nodded as Rey gently touched the medallion.

"It's beautiful." She took her hand away and saw both Jacen and Ben were staring at them. "Sorry, guess we got carried away there," Rey said.

Jacen shook his head. "No, it's cool." He gave them both a grin. "I also have a necklace from my hometown of Lothal, a town not far from here."

"I know that area...My father and I would go camping in the mountains; it's a beautiful area," Ben said as he ran his fingers through his hair. He moved his mouth back and forth.

Jacen nodded knowingly. "Right, every summer my parents and I go camping and explore. There's always a new area to discover."

Rey loved that the group was getting along. She had a good feeling about this.

Later, after a quick-write assignment, their professor dismissed them early, reminding them to upload their critiques of the first story online before attending class next week.

Rey put her desk back in line, behind another desk. She heard the room become louder with chatter as everybody was moving their desks back in place and leaving. She picked up her binder, accidentally knocking her pen to the ground. "Shoot," she whispered, as she quickly put her binder in her backpack.

"Here," Ben whispered as he waited for Rey to acknowledge him.

Her head immediately went up hearing his voice. "Thanks, Ben!" She smiled as she retrieved it. Their fingers barely touched as in one flash of a second she saw something like a vision or a memory of Ben smiling at her, his eyes closed. She looked at him quizzically then shook her head as she smiled at him again before turning away from him and walking towards the door. What was that she wondered.

Ben looked at Rey as she left the room. He looked down at his fingertips. He wondered if she saw what he saw, a glance of Rey smiling at him, but she looked tired and she had blood on the right side of her forehead. He didn't know what to make of it as he packed his things and left the classroom.

He walked outside the building and smelled Night-blooming jasmine. He closed his eyes, taking in the fragrance, reminding him of home. A subtle wind moved his hair as he opened his eyes and continued to walk.

He walked a block away from the University toward his favorite 24 Hour Coffee House, Green Milk. He opened the door and welcomed the dim lighting from Christmas lights displayed all around the walls, creating a comfy ambiance. The smell of coffee, tea, baked goods, and sandwiches made him sigh in relief as he waited in line to order. He looked around, trying to spot a free table until his eyes landed on Rey sitting at a small table reading a book.

Rey's shift at Green Milk started at 9:45. She was grateful that her last class of the week ended an hour early as she got started on her history reading. A few minutes into her reading she heard faint footsteps and then the voice that made her feel butterflies in her stomach. "Hi again, Rey," Ben said. He moved his mouth back and forth. "I was wondering if I could sit here? Other tables have been taken."

Rey looked around and saw the coffee house was indeed crowded. She looked back at Ben and said, "Of course." She moved her backpack from the chair and put it near her feet. She saw him remove his jacket, revealing the same black sweater he wore in class, fitting him quite nicely she thought. She moved her cup filled with tea near her as he sat across from her. Without him noticing, she looked as he took out his laptop from his sleek messenger bag. It was less than an hour and she still wondered what that image of Ben meant.

Ben noticed Rey stare past his shoulder with a determined look. "You okay there?"

Rey shook her head, freeing herself from that image. "Yes, just a long day. I don't know if this was smart of me, but I arranged it so that I have all my classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays." She shrugged.

"Well, I did the same thing."

"Really?" Rey raised a brow.

Ben nodded and took a bite of his blueberry muffin. "I have two early classes back to back then two evening courses, one on Tuesday and ours." He took a sip from his hot cocoa.

Rey sighed. "Good, then I must be on the right track."

"How has your first week been?"

Rey shrugged, opening her mouth then closing it, making Ben chuckle.

"That bad?" He asked.

"It's just overwhelming," she sighed.

Ben ran his fingers through his hair. "That's how I felt and as the semesters passed, I just fell into a rhythm. You'll find your rhythm soon enough."

"I hope so."

They both smiled at each other then looked down at their reading materials. Ben took another sip of his drink before asking, "Are you from the city?"

Rey shook her head. "Jakku."

Ben's brows furrowed. "That's in the middle of—"

"Nowhere," she finished. She rolled her eyes. "I know."

"I can understand why you wanted to attend University in the city now."

"I love it here. There's much to do and it's so lively." She closed her history book and put her shoulders on the table leaning towards Ben. "I never want to leave."

Ben nodded. "I'm sure your family misses you."

"They won't," she said with ease.

Ben furrowed his brows again and regretted his words. "Sorry, I didn't mean to—"

"I never knew my parents." Rey looked down at her tea before looking up and staring into Ben's eyes. She felt she could trust him with this part of herself that she usually never revealed to anyone. "I remember being in an orphanage until I was about six." She smiled fondly at the small floral bouquet in the middle of the table. "An older man named Ben Kenobi adopted me. He had a wife and child once but lost them the same night when their child was born. Years later, he moved to Jakku from another isolated town to become the town's Reverend." She smiled and fidgeted with her hands, not staring at Ben but wondered how he was looking at her. She looked up and saw a genuine look of compassion and she was touched by it.

"What happened to him?" He asked in a soft tone.

"He passed away a year ago, yesterday," she revealed with a somber look. "He was the only parent I needed and I'm grateful we were a family." Rey smiled and felt a single teardrop on her left cheek. She wiped at it with a hand. "Didn't mean to get so emotional there."

Ben had his chin on top of his clasped hands. "It's okay, you're not alone in feeling those emotions."

Rey sniffled and drank more tea before she responded with a single word, "Good."

Ben was moved by her story. He took another drink from his cup when he heard her question. "Are you from here or...?"

Ben half-smiled before he responded. "I'm from Chandrila."

Rey's mouth formed an O. "Oh, I want to visit one day. It looks like a lovely area."

Bon nodded. "It is," he confirmed. "There are stunning beaches and the water is always calm; there are beautiful views of the hills."

Rey sighed as she drank more tea. "Sounds breathtaking."

"I also lived in Naboo, where my grandparents are."

Rey's eyes enlarged. "Another lovely area, wow, you're so lucky."

Ben half-smiled again. "I think my grandmother and mother love peaceful areas. They both were surprised that I wanted to study in the city rather at one of the Universities over there."

"They're very expensive."

"Yeah, but my grandfather lived in this city and my father too, for a time, and I just I don't know, wanted to start my adulthood here as well."

"I understand," Rey said. She crinkled her nose. "Chandrila and Naboo..."

"I hope you visit both one day." He stared at her in interest.

"Me too," she met his stare, wanting to talk more—She looked at her phone and saw it was almost time to get ready for her shift. "Well, it's time for me to get ready for work."

Ben gave her a quizzical look. "At this time?"

Rey laughed. "Don't worry. I work here."

"Oh," He gave a dry chuckle. "Do you usually work this late?"

"Just Thursday nights. I work normal hours tomorrow, Saturdays and Sundays."

"I see," Ben said as he saw Rey packing her things in her backpack.

She zipped it up and threw her backpack over one shoulder. She had her cup of tea in one hand and raised her other hand towards Ben. "I'm glad to know you better, Ben."

"Same here, Rey." He gave her a full smile as he reached to touch her hand with his. When they touched something electric passed through both of them, they both felt it as they saw different images, again.

Rey saw a snow-filled forest and Ben was staring at her in shock and awe, his hair disheveled. He was wearing a long black costume, covering his neck.

Ben saw a wintry forest, with snow falling, and Rey staring at him with confusion but also determination, wearing a sand-colored costume and arm wraps. In her hands was something he couldn't decipher until a blue hue appeared like a laser sword.

They released each other's hands at the same time and looked at each other in surprise and confusion. They both didn't know how to bring up what they saw and the momentary silence ended once Rey said, "Well, good night, Ben. See you next week." She smiled quickly before leaving and hearing his response.

"Night," Ben whispered staring where Rey was just seconds ago. He looked back and saw her going to the back of the coffee house. He turned back, feeling himself breath faster as he muttered, "What the fuck was that?" 

[leejeongz]

Stray Kids having a crush on a member’s sibling

😇thanks for the request!!! I changed it slightly just so it would make more sense I hope you don’t mind😇

😘thanks for the compliment too!!! I really appreciate it😘

Bang Chan:

You and Jisung were definitely sibling goals and Jisung wasn’t afraid of showing that off on his Instagram, posting pictures of the two of you together all the time. Sure Chan had met you lots of times and his feelings for you soon developed into a crush, which was heightened every time Jisung posted a picture of you and him online. You pair often spoke, everyday, more recently. You couldn’t lie, you had developed a crush on your brother’s leader but who wouldn’t? You told Jisung in hopes he’d get you together but he thought you were joking (nevertheless he still told Chris.) Chan was just waiting for the perfect opportunity.

Jisung had gone home for Christmas and so had the other members except Chan, even Felix had managed to get home this year! Jokingly, on Christmas Eve Jisung posted an ugly photo of just you with an “advertisement” for a boyfriend for Christmas. Of course this made Chris laugh but it also gave him an idea... maybe he should as you to be his on Christmas Day! It’s safe to say you were extremely happy with your Christmas present this year and Chan even happier.

Woojin:

Given you were Seungmin’s sibling, Woojin knew it wasn’t going to be easy to get information about you from him. Secretly Seungmin shipped you two, but he couldn’t just give information out for free could he?! Woojin would often take Seungmin out somewhere and for beg him to ask if you wanted to join. Of course you’d say yes, you had the biggest crush on Woojin!

Today Woojin asked Seungmin to go shopping with him, and to ask you too. Seungmin knew it was time that you two got together so he devised a plan and told Woojin he couldn’t go but that you could (and to also treat it like your first date together). Today must have been the best day of Woojin’s life as he knocked on your door realising this was an actual date, confirmed by Seungmin. The day was amazing and at the end of the night, you both thanked Seungmin (and then apologised because he could never tag along on your dates again.)

Lee Know:

You rarely saw your brother, Chan, but when you did, everyone knew about it. You’d often hug each other and scream that you were finally reunited along with quoting memes every 5 seconds and bursting into your favourite childhood songs. Watching you made Minho feel warm but as silly as it sounds, he’d often get jealous when he saw you and Chan hug even though he was your brother. You greeted all the other members with a short hello due to the language barrier. Minho pulled out his phone and opened up google translate, typing in that it’s a pleasure to see you again. The members all turned to him to see what he was up to and you smiled at him graciously making his heart warm again, but you were slightly confused why all the members started whooping. Minho stood there with no shame smiling brightly back at you.

Chan rolled his eyes and explained in English, telling you about Minho’s crush on you and how he got jealous of him. You rubbed Minho’s arm and took his phone from his hand typing in that you thought he was cute for getting jealous but that there was no need. After he read it you hugged him and gave him a sweet little forehead kiss as confirmation that you felt the same.

Changbin:

Changbin’s stress levels increased to the point where he became sick, often having to take days off to rest, JYP’s orders. You were currently living with Jeongin for a short while and you were often left to look after Changbin. Naturally, Changbin fell for you, your kind but sassy personality which was regularly shown whenever he tried to write music on his days off, and your incredible beautifulness which he’s secretly captured the many times when you had slept in the same bed when he said he couldn’t sleep.

Today was not different to the others, Changbin was bed ridden and you were his slave, not that you minded. He asked you for a glass of orange juice and a slice of toast and while you were gone he picked up his pen and started to write. It was his last day off and he wanted to thank you so he wrote you a note which read “thank you for everything y/n, please let me make it up to you. I’ve booked a table at the restaurant you like in town and it would be greatly appreciated if you would join me. PS before you ask, no I couldn’t have asked you this out loud, I’m not as dark and as confident as you think surprisingly.” You weren’t surprised at all by his final statement but you gladly went on the cute dinner date he planned.

Hyunjin:

You and Hyunjin had an instant connection, neither if you could deny it. Woojin, your brother, saw it too, the sparks were flying between you two and he wasn’t mad. Admittedly he was slightly protective over you but he knew Hyunjin wouldn’t hurt you.

After an extremely long time sat laughing at absolutely nothing with Hyunjin, Woojin came into your room with a bunch of snacks. Even though the main reason Hyunjin was at your parents house was to see him, he didn’t mind the pair of you hanging out. He put down the tray with the food on and left you two alone for a bit. Hyunjin got up to go somewhere when he accidentally knocked over the drink brought to you all over your bed. He was more than apologetic but you’d already forgiven him before he opened his mouth, accidents happen. Without thinking, he gave you a sweet peck on the lips to show his gratefulness and from that moment on you were considered a couple which you were both very happy about.

Jisung:

Maybe it was because you’d been around Changbin for your whole life but you really enjoyed rap. Needless to say Jisung was definitely gonna be one of your favourite people from what Changbin had told you about him. The truth was, Jisung thought the same about you, again because of Changbin. When you finally met you got on super well and soon both ended up liking each other.

Jisung is a confident man so he told you he liked you himself but Changbin just so happened to be present and he abolished the idea of you being a couple there and then. You waited until Changbin had left you two alone to tell him you felt the same which was a lot easier than you expected. You quickly became a cuddly and close couple but never confirmed to anyone else that you two were actually together. Valentine’s Day came around a few weeks later and you were out shopping for a card with Changbin (who thought you were getting a card for a friend’s birthday) when you spotted Jisung in the same shop. He confessed that he was getting a card for you while you awed cutely and Changbin stood acting gobsmacked like he didn’t know you guys were together.

Felix:

Hyunjin’s first time taking Felix to his house and he sure was nervous. Felix hadn’t seen any photos of you or anything but you were bound to be gorgeous, you’re related to Hyunjin after all. His mother greeted Felix and his dog gave him a few sniffs then went to Hyunjin for cuddles. You were sat in the living room, standing up when your brother and the amazingly good looking Felix walked in. Felix’s eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw you, you were the exact representation of his ideal type and after getting to know you he was most definitely in love with you.

Hyunjin wasn’t blind, he knew about Felix’s feelings. He also knew your feelings which just so happened to be the same as Felix’s and you knew Hyunjin couldn’t keep his mouth shut. You were kinda grateful when Felix asked you to be his via Hyunjin to avoid awkwardness but after that all the awkwardness disappeared. As a couple, you often fought over Hyunjin and it always ended in a sweet “who needs Hyunjin when we have each other”

Seungmin:

You and Minho were far too alike for anyone to be at ease with the pair of you in a room. After all you were siblings. Seungmin would never usually admit he had a crush on you, especially not to your face, but somehow that’s exactly what happened.

Minho had recently got into a relationship and you and the guys were joking about it, your final comment being “who would want to date him?” Obviously a joke. But then things turned serious, for you and Seungmin at least. He looked up at you after staring at the ground trying not to get involved with the incessant “bullying” as Chan asked the obvious question of “aren’t you basically the same person?” Seungmin followed this up with a very shocking confession while everyone went silent, exposing his crush of a long time on you all because you indirectly insulted yourself somehow.

Now it was Minho’s turn to roast you but your didn’t care because your new boyfriend was there to back you up.

I.N:

Jeongin threw himself on the dorm’s sofa and let out a huge sigh as he arrived home from a long day at school. He didn’t take in his surroundings which apparently was a huge mistake as you, Felix’s sibling, was sat on the floor handing out the presents you brought over for the members. They all looked at Jeongin, including you and shook their heads while smirking. You handed your final present in the bag to Jeongin, a hooded neck pillow with a cute fox pattern on it. He smiled at it and then at you, thanking you the whole time, he really needed a new neck pillow so this was perfect, especially since it was from you. You said you’re welcome and giggled while mumbling about how cute he was which made his heart flutter with hope. Felix saw his hopeful look and clapped his hands, announcing he had something to say.

“Don’t you think y/n and Jeongin would make an absolutely perfect couple?” He helped you up from the ground and made you sit in the seat next to Jeongin. “Yes very perfect... now hug!” You knew it was classic Felix but part of you wants to hug him so you do, and it was indeed the first of many.

Gifs aren’t mine

[uniqueharreh]

The Night We Met

Summary: Harry loses his spouse to a terrible car accident, left with anger, sadness and loneliness, he finds a diary she kept writing for years. 

Warning: TW - depression, mention of a car accident -- if you lost someone and reading about it makes you feel uneasy, please don’t torture yourself like this. Otherwise, a lot of one-sided fluff to a sad person. 

Word Count: 2.2k 

Song Recommendation for this piece is Lord Huron - The Night We Met.

Sitting in our bedroom, without you. I never thought I would. I knew we were meant to be, you inspired a lot of art, a lot of songs that meant a lot to other people. You were my muse for all these years, and now, you weren’t here. 

And I couldn’t bring you back. I couldn’t. Your phone number was never going to be yours again, and you would never reply. 

And I couldn’t just go to your parents, ask if you were home. Because you weren’t, your address wasn’t on the Earth anymore. And, I thought many, many times of reuniting with you. To just stop the years of waiting until I can meet you, hug you and kiss you again. 

I canceled the rest of the tour, the second I found out what happened. And I still blamed myself for it. Not the drunk driver, or your impulsiveness behind the wheel. I always said you are going to have a car accident if you don’t keep both of your hands on the wheel, and both of your eyes on the road. 

You were just always the kind of person, who needed to talk and throw their hands around. Who bent half in their waist when they laughed. And you used to tell me that I was too serious and needed to live a little. 

I sent my driver for you, to bring you to the airport. We were supposed to meet in Japan, and you would continue the rest of the tour with me. I always felt much calmer, when I had you by my side. But you were a strong-willed woman, you needed to have your own business, and sometimes our ways just parted. 

And I admired you how patient you were with me, and my fans, and people around me. And I still remember the day I asked you to come to one of my shows, it was kind of narcissistic. But it was probably one of the best shows I have ever done. 

I could feel you in this room more than anywhere else. You taught me how to open up and talk about my emotions, which led to loads of fights at first, but then, you also taught me how to relax, how to sleep in. You changed me into a much more relaxed man. 

I also remember how my best friend and also a manager was watching the show, from his usual place. Jeff looked devastated, I was in the middle of the show and couldn’t be happier to see you tomorrow when you land. 

I had last two songs to perform, but I felt like something was wrong, and a single look at Jefferey was enough. I knew something bad happened. I walked over to him, leaned a bit lower so I could hear him. The fans were screaming loud, and his, Y/N had an accident, but she’s alright, scared me. But I knew that it’s last two songs and I can worry then. 

I was never the type of musician who would cancel a show in the middle of a set. I thought it was unprofessional, but the creeping emotion in the back of the spine, just made the entire ending uncomfortable. 

You died. You were in an accident, that took your life. There was nothing the responders could do for you. Jeff knew I would collapse on the stage if he told me the truth. Because that’s what happened backstage, I had to be taken to a hospital and to be given IRV. I remember calling your phone so many times, not being able to cope with the fact you were gone.

A quiet buzzing interrupted me from rethinking the night all over and over again. 

Mitch

Are you okay? Just landed in LA with Sarah, can come to meet you if you want.

I gave him a quick call, just to assure him I was doing well. He always texted me, asked me how I was doing. He spent days with me in hospital, taking care of me, trying to make me talk. But I couldn’t even open my eyes without crying. 

I walked around the room frantically, trying to calm myself down. I shouldn’t come to our house so soon. I wasn’t ready yet. But then I noticed a black leather notebook. I remember you to have the notebook with you everywhere, and you would never tell me what you were using it for. You said it’s a top secret and no one can know. 

It opened directly on one certain page, it seems like you used to reread that part, there was lots of heart painted there. And I felt my eyes getting watery at the sight of your handwriting. It was so polished, so beautiful. You could illustrate books, or create all these motivational quotes for online businesses. 

I sat down and started reading, wiping tears that escaped my eyes.

3rd April 2014

Dear diary, 

I met a lovely guy. He is a bit younger than me but so persistent. It was kind of a gimmick. It was like all these young adult books stories. Where the girl spills coffee on the guy and he turns out to be a vampire or something and they fall in love deeply. I was in my usual rush, carrying my laptop, handbag, books, and coffee in one hand while calling my boss. He was yelling at me, as usual, and all of sudden I ran into someone. Of course, I spilled my coffee all over his white t-shirts, my laptop fell on the ground and my screen is bit cracked, but it’s still working quite alright and everything just fell out of my handbag. 

Instead of yelling at me, he started picking my stuff and handing me the books I dropped, making sure my laptop wasn’t broken. He even apologized, and I lost it when I made a proper look at him. He was so beautiful. I never believed in love at first sight, but he looked like someone I would walk to at our wedding. His beautiful green eyes were looking down at me, he was speaking and I wasn’t sure if I heard him. I was just losing myself in the beautiful eyes. And his soothing, low and a bit raspy voice. 

And then he invited me out. That’s when I snapped out of it. And said no. 

What is actually wrong with me. 

Dear diary, it’s 25th of September 2016 and I just married this guy who happens to be my anchor. Just thought of an update. xoxo

I started crying, literal sobs were coming out of my throat. I always knew how much you meant to me, how much of a better person you were making me, Y/N. But I never understood what you saw in me. Even the point of us running into each other was different in my view. I was fighting with my sister over little things through texts. I wasn’t looking where I was going and all of sudden I had the warm black stain on my T-shirt. It was a natural habitat to apologize because it was my fault. 

24th April 2012, 

Dear Diary, 

I’ve been a bit busy lately. But apparently, he got my business card and texted me nonstop. I mean Harry. The guy that I spilled my coffee at. Tonight, we were supposed to meet. Well, he invited me to his show. Or his band’s, actually. Told me to meet him backstage and stuff. 

I must admit he is talented, quite the package. And after his security guard led me to the backstage, he introduced me to everyone in the room. I was nervous, my friends told me who he was, and how successful his band was starting to get. 

After he took a quick shower, we agreed to go somewhere to eat. Harry actually let me choose where. And we went to Mel’s diner. Apparently, they already had a thing called The Harry Special, and I just wanted to make him uncomfortable. To mock him for it even. 

And he seemed to be amused when he heard the diner’s name. I don’t know if he knew I knew. But I definitely knew he knew, that everyone else knew. 

When I ordered the special, he nearly choked on the water he just tried to swallow. 

I think he got me right there. Without us actually talking properly yet. He had a good sense of humor, and he made sure I was feeling comfortable. 

He walked me back home, lending me his cardigan. We talked about our families, and he seemed to be fond and privileged to have such a beautiful family around him. 

He was everything I looked for in a man. 

But I thought those existed only in fictions. 

And he waited if I wanted to give him a kiss, he didn’t make the first move, he didn’t pressure me. And he made sure I was safe home until he walked into a car arriving. 

Dear diary, I think I have a sweet spot for that guy. 

Yeah, you love him, fool.

I was crying. I always thought that our first date was a disaster. Not that inviting your potential date to your work, that is a literally a show of what you can do to thousands of people, is a bad idea. It was an asshole idea. We used to laugh so many times about it. Always asked me if I tried to make sure you wanted to date me, by telling you I was famous. 

And I always mocked you for thinking I needed to show off my wealth to have you. I remember when we first kissed, it took me five dates to finally make the first move. And I think you were enjoying how unsure I was about myself around you. I was stepping on my own foot way too often and always tripped. I sometimes stuttered even. I think you must have thought I didn’t even make it past an elementary school at that point. 

And I would always remember when I was sick and was on voice rest. And everyone tried to make me talk, and make fun of me that I couldn’t. And you bought me that board, that I could write on. You always made sure, that I was happy. 

It was always me, who was cooking. You would never, not that you wouldn’t like to be all domestic together. But you were a terrible cook. 

I remember when you tried to make me homemade pasta for our first anniversary because you knew how much I loved Italy and their cuisine. But you messed up. And I wasn’t even sure how. But it was terrible, but I still ate the entire thing. Because you seemed so excited that you at least tried for me.

And when you decided to open your business, I had your back. I supported you. I tried to help you with everything and even offered to invest in you. But you denied my offer. Always said you need to make it by yourself. 

And I remember when we tried to have a baby together, but then you found out you couldn’t and you felt so sorry, you cried a lot that month. Blaming yourself and telling me, that we can break up, that she’s going to be alright. 

And I remember that you cried, even more, when I offered that we can adopt sometimes later when you’d be ready to become a mother. 

And I remember how you walked the altar, everyone had eyes only for you. You were so beautiful. And it was the first time I properly cried on the public. 

You said yes, and you were mine, and I was yours. 

But now I’m here, crying over the happiest memories. Because I won’t be able to share them with you. Not again. I won’t be able to have a child with you and become a father. 

I won’t be able to sing about you either. Because every memory of you was too painful. 

You had a wonderful funeral, and I tried to sing your favorite song. But just broke into pieces. I shattered. I met my lowest and nothing could make the pain to go away. 

I tried it all, alcohol, drugs, Xanax, antidepressants. But you were still standing there, in your wedding dress, in my mind. 

And I knew you would hate to see me like this. Hiding from all my friends. 

You would kick my ass if you knew that I haven’t talked to my mom or my sister for months. 

That I stopped living, and just lived in the memory of you. 

I wish you could take us to the night we made love for the first time, to take us to the first night of our honeymoon when you expressed how much you loved me and made me cry like a little boy. 

I wish you would take me with you. 

Because the world is a very dull place without you. 

[hanmemyphone]

Kpop AU: Prologue

Here it is! Won’t say much as it’s the prologue but finally, I’ve gotten this out on the blog! Hope you enjoy this opening~ (FEEDBACK IS ALWAYS APPRECIATED)

Introduction: Your dream was to become a lyricist. You wrote your own music and wrote your own lyrics but never really gave yourself a chance to pursue what you wanted. An email to you changes everything.

Debut Teasers 1 2 3

You never considered yourself to be a social butterfly but rather a wallflower. Rather than standing out, you liked working behind the scenes. You didn’t see this as ‘running yourself short’ of your opportunities, you saw this as helping others until your time to shine came. This is why rather than participating in talent shows or playing on the street, you preferred to post online anonymously. You posted what mattered to you, the hobby that you had practised since your childhood days. You posted lyrics.

The stanzas of words, what you wrote when your mind was muddled or teeming with inspiration, it was what made you happy. You treated your blog as a way to store what you wrote, for later use to write your own melodies or just for nostalgia’s sake. You knew you’d be able to use those songs one day, you just never thought the day would come so soon.

Everyday was the same, waking up in the early morning and heading off on your bike to university. You studied what your parents wanted you to study, you followed what they wanted after they disagreed heavily with wanting to become a songwriter, a lyricist. Instead, that had just become a hobby in the shadows. They never asked you for much, they never really opposed anything you wanted to do so you couldn’t help but feel guilty and give in to the one (significant) request they had for you. It wasn’t like you couldn’t ever write again so you accepted it and went on with your life but sometimes you couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened to you if you had pursued it? But you wouldn’t let yourself be hung up on that too much.  As long as you studied and achieved what your parents would be happy with, if the opportunity did arise where you could follow your aspirations then without a doubt you would act on it.

That’s where the email you received a few days ago came into play. There were always people asking if they could use your works for their own creations, sometimes using them as ‘inspirational quotes’ in writing or even sometimes writing a little melody to send to you. Every request was answered with a kind yes as the thought of others enjoying what you had created put the biggest smile on your face. When an email came asking if they could use your lyrics for a song they were going to produce, of course, you gave them the permission straight away with your only condition being that you would be allowed to listen.

“I’m sure you’ll hear it.” That’s what the email reply entailed, a short sentence but nevertheless, it filled you an indescribable joy.

Weeks later, you had almost forgotten about the email but every time you looked at your blog, you were pleasantly reminded. Though, you were beginning to believe that you wouldn’t hear this song. You pondered about this in a small cafe where you frequented for cold drinks while you studied. Every now and again you would look up and at the small flat screen that was located in one of the corners of the cafe. Usually, music videos and advertisements played and the sounds echoed throughout the room creating a peaceful ambience. When you looked up after reading a lengthy paragraph, you found yourself immersed in the music playing at the time.

“Take my hand and I promise I’ll never let go I have so much love for you that it overflows It’s so amazing Because this is how it is Now, can I have a kiss?”

Your dreamy daze was broken after listening to the lyrics carefully. You were sure of it, even though some lyrics had been added, you were sure. This was your song. Your eyes focused in on the flat screen which played a music video. You had never really paid attention to the industry but your song was being performed, performed well, by a boy band. Soon enough when the song ended, a final scene of the group showed and you saw six men stand in a line before it faded to black. Your mind went blank, was this what your lyrics were used for? You were blown out of the water, you had never expected something on this scale. Your fingers tapped on your keyboard rapidly as you attempted to research into the group. RFA was what the music video ended on and you found that they weren’t a new group. They had debuted two years ago but hadn’t really found their footing in the industry, even their company was apparently going bankrupt. However, this new song was considered their ‘breakthrough’ as it instantly blew up with over three million views in a 24-hour timeframe, which was considered amazing for a smaller group. You were in complete awe, the group was amazing, they were talented, they were attractive and they had used what you had written. You didn’t give it too much hope but somewhere inside you was the belief that maybe, just maybe, this was the first step to your dream.

Soon after your viewing of the video, an email from the requestor from before came through to you. They asked if you had seen it and if you liked it.   They introduced themselves as the RFA. Then they asked for a meeting.

“We wish to exchange some ideas with you and reach an agreement on something.”

At first, you were reluctant to meet, you had never met somebody in person through your blog, but you admitted there was a first for everything and if you had to say, you wanted to meet them.

Sitting in the cafe you recommended, you were told to look out for two men. One with mint coloured hair and another with white. Your hands were shaking and couldn’t convince yourself to look around because you felt that the moment you laid eyes on the men, you would faint. “Is this seat taken?” a voice asked from behind you, to which you replied with a shrill yes while turning around. Your gaze directed upwards towards two tall men in hats and you soon realised that these were who you were expecting. You could see their unique hair colours peek out from under their hats and with smiles, they sat themselves down across from you.

For a moment there was complete silence, their beauty was dazzling. 

“I’m Zen,” the man with white hair told,”and this is V.” You nodded along and introduced yourself to them. “We’re here to ask you one thing,” V announced,”we want you to become the RFA’s official lyricist.” “Me?” you replied instantly,”you’re asking me?” The moment your question was replied to with a yes and a smile, you couldn’t help but smile yourself although your expression soon sunk. You were delighted that you were being presented with the opportunity but you had to think about your parents, would they be alright with this? “Please!” Zen started,”I was reading through what you had written and I really felt like it connected to m-“ V interrupted the other man and told him not to pressure you further,”If you would like, you can get back to us at a later date.”

Opportunity. This was an opportunity. If you didn’t decide now, you knew that you wouldn’t have the resolve to accept in the future. The opportunity you had wished for had arisen and with this, you could follow your aspirations. Explaining and convincing your parents came later, for now, you knew what to do.

“I’ll do it! I’ll become the RFA’s lyricist!” you declared,”I want to do this. I want my words to reach others.”

With that, the two men were satisfied and across their faces stretched smiles.

[bluewitch17]

Get to know me tag!

I know no one asked for this but I’m having breakfast and there’s nothing interesting on tv so here I go

1. Real name.

María, nothing new (?)

2. Zodiac sign.

I’m a friendly Scorpio

3. 3 fears.

-Being alone

-Fireworks

-Heights

4. 3 things I love.

-Food

-Writing

-Music. Just music

5. Last song I listened to.

As far as I remember it was Gone by Red

6. The reason why I joined Tumblr.

I wanted to share my fangirl side since I was a little bit lonely in real life (?)

7. How I feel right now.

Sleepy, but I’m fine xD

8. My current relationship status.

I’m dating with a beautiful star

9. Meaning behind my url.

AGAIN? Go and see the other tags, it hasn’t changed at all

10. My favorite movie(s).

Thank god you didn’t make me choose only one. Hummm Moulin Rouge, Star Wars III and Harry Potter III is alright?

11. My favorite song(s).

Well this is hard. Stand my Ground, Hear me and... Telephatic, for example? I could like here all my playlist actually

12. 3 things that upset me.

-Lies, fake people in general

-Bad teachers that make you insecure like WHAT ARE YOU ASKING FOR IF YOU DON’T TEACH ME WELL

-Not having my space at home

13. My favorite holiday.

If you’re asking for a favourite time of the year on holiday... Damn can I say halloween? Because I don’t like the other ones

14. 3 things that annoy me easily.

Now you want to make me sound like a hater, tag

-Shouts

-I’m changing this one because I just remembered HOW ANNOYING HICCUP IS (like the real hiccup, not the one in Dreamworks)

-Having to do a lot of homework lol

15. My favorite animal(s).

Being realistic

-Bunnies

-Dogs

-Dragons

16. My pets.

I wish I had one

17. One thing I’ve lied about.

I’m not lying nowadays as much as I used to, but I tend to say “I’m fine” a lot when I’m not

18. Something that’s currently worrying me.

My growing moustache

19. An embarrassing moment.

Only one? Try again, I have so many

20. 3 habits I have.

-Singing whenever I’m alone doing anything that lets me sing

-Having breakfast always even if I’m late for class

-Draw while taking notes in class

21. My future goals.

Living away from here mostly, the other things will work eventually I hope

22. My favorite food(s).

-Pasta

-Chocolate

-Rice with almost everything

23. What I did yesterday.

Human things. I also studied and played some games with my friends 

24. Something I’m talented at.

Writing. I hope. I don’t know. I guess.

25. My celebrity crush(es).

None actually, I love the roles in movies more than actors and that

26. My idea of a perfect date.

My idea is just being with my couple then, that’s already perfect

27. A photo of myself.

There

28. My favorite blogs.

I’m following toooooo many to choose

29. Numbers of kids I want.

Right now? None

30. Do I smoke/drink?

No and no, and I don’t want to try

31. Morning or night person?

Night xD

32. Extrovert or introvert?

Introvert af

33. Tidy or messy?

I’m tidy I’m my mess of organization

34. Coffee or tea?

None, puaj

35. Do you have a nickname?

I have too many, but the most popular one is Blue nowadays

36. Do you have any allergies?

Thank god, no

37. Do you have siblings?

One younger sibling

38. Have you ever skipped class?

Yup, mostly in the university

39. Have you ever had braces?

Yes, not a good time xD

40. How tall are you?

1′73 cm last time I looked

41. If you could live anywhere in the world where would you live?

Anywhere but here

42. What did you last eat?

Breakfast, a toast and a hot chocolate

43. One item I can’t live without.

Phone, let’s be honest

44. What movie have you watched repeatedly?

Moulin Rouge, I don’t know how many times I’ve watched it

45. One food you refuse to eat.

Tomato alone

46. What did you want to be when you were younger?

Teacher, then writing came and... here I am xD

47. Favorite book(s).

HOW CAN I CHOOSE I HAVE SO MANY I’M MY HEAD 

48. Favorite season?

Autumn

49. When’s your birthday?

17 of November

50. Who’s your favorite fictional character(s)?

I can’t choose buf toooooo many

51. If you could live in a book, tv show, or movie what would you be?

I guess I would like to go to Hogwarts. I mean, it’s dangerous, but it’s not as dangerous as living in a intergalactical empire or in a medieval age where I could do NOTHING

52. If you had to choose to live without one of your five senses, which one would you give up?

Smell, I don’t have much actually so it wouldn’t make a difference

53. If you could time travel, would you go to the past or future?

None, time travel’s dangerous and useless, I can change history doing fails as I usually do and that’s not funny

54. If you could have one superpower, what would it be and how would you use it?

Being invisible is a thing that has always amaze me. The thing is... I don’t know how I would use it xD

55. If you could take only 3 items with you to a deserted island, what would they be?

This always gets me, and I still wonder... why am I on a deserted island and WHY DO THEY LET ME TAKE 3 THINGS ONLY

56. What would you do if you were the president of your own country?

Resign

57. What animal best represents you and why?

I... don’t know? I’ve never though of this deeply

58. If your house was burning and you could only save one item what would it be and why?

My sketches and little handwritten things

59. If you could speak another language what would it be and why?

German because I love german

60. How would your best friends describe?

Gotta ask them, I’m not assuming anything because I’m no jedi and I can’t read minds

61. If you could master one skill you don’t have right now what would it be?

Hmm dancing

62. Would you rather live in the city or the woods? Why?

I think city would be more practical, but... woods are so quiet...

63. What are you most grateful for?

This last two years, in general

64. If you could have the answer to any question, what would that question be?

Why do you have the answer of all the questions?

65. Where would you like to travel?

Somewhere... over the rainbow 

66. Where would you like to be right now?

Where I am going to be in some days

67. One of your insecurities?

My skin

68. Hugs or kisses?

BOTH (although I looove hugs)

69. Quote you live by?

If someone lives only by one quote I’m going to mindblow myself

70. What does the last text you sent say?

*Eyes emoji* *Eyes emoji*

71. Last movie you saw?

Spiderman: Into the spiderverse

72. Do you want to get married?

It’s not my priority but well why not

73. Person you care most about?

Myself (?) 

Ok this tag wants another person

Then Solete

74. What color underwear I’m wearing right now?

White xD

75. My relationship with my parents?

Better than it usually seems, but we are too different

76. What I find attractive in other people?

The sense of humour mostly, smiles, laughs...

77. 4 turn ons.

Cool hair, smiles, eyes in general, hands, don’t know why last one though

78. 4 turn offs.

Smoking, drinking, piercings and buff boys (?) (I’m laughing at the last one but it’s so true dammit)

79. How many tattoos/piecings I have?

None

80. Something I really, really want.

Paint my hair bue at the moment 

81. My favorite band(s)

Red, Starset, Evanescence, Imagine Dragons, Sum 41, Fall out Boy...

82. 3 things that make me happy.

-People I love in general

-Music

-Reading

83. Someone I miss.

Right now I can’t think of anyone, mostly because I keep contact via online I guess

84. Someone I love.

Solete if you’re reading this I choose you (and my brother who just woke up xD)

85. A confession.

This tag is taking forever to complete I thought it would be shorter

86. Something that’s constantly on my mind.

I have so many things in my mind always, not only one in particular

87. My favorite store(s).

Ehm... noup

88. Left or right handed?

Right handed

89. Do you have any phobias?

Yup, to heights and fireworks. Wait I answered this before

90. Are you on time or always late?

I’m even early xD

91. Can you curl your tongue?

Just tried and I guess I can’t

92. Are you ticklish?

A lot. A. LOT.

93. Dogs or cats?

Dragons

94. Beach or mountains?

Mountains since I live near the beach

95. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yeah

96. Do you still have your wisdom teeth?

Yep, but it doesn’t seem they’re coming out soon xD

97. Do you/have you played any sports?

I’ve played basketball before, now I don’t play anything

98. What phone do you have apple or android?

Android and thank you I don’t want to change

99. What’s your current obsession?

FINISHING THIS TEST

I tag everyone who wants to do this ^^

[gary36]

The Switchblade and the Cross

Why did I invert the title of a David Wilkerson book from the 60s? Because that book is a trash fire and I needed those words.

When I was eighteen I wanted to go somewhere nobody knew me. I probably should have joined the Army or started huffing gas in the nearest trailer park. Almost anything would've been more reasonable than what I did. I found Jesus.

I think maybe the world scared me. I think I wanted friends and went to the church because they wanted anyone at all. The thread that led me into the flock began online. I heard music and I liked it. It was local so I checked their page. I saw a showtime and I showed up on time. That's how I was first in line to The Gills' live show to commemorate the release of their first album. I got the very first CD and I walked alone into a dark auditorium alongside many strangers to see a band I knew nothing about. The Gills took the stage smiling. The crowd loved them. I sat quietly in fear of appearing to enjoy music too much in public, but on the inside I was dancing. They were catchy. I thought nothing cool came out of my home town but I was happy to be proven wrong. At the end of the show with the final notes still hanging in the air, the skinny redheaded keyboard player spoke for the first time. His voice was delicate and his manner nervous. He invited anyone who wished to come the next day to worship in the same building. I have a problem with saying "yes." Sometimes I wind up in strange places.

I returned the next morning and stood awkwardly beside the front door waiting for a literal miracle. I stood around a long time having believed church to be something that happened early. It was 7:00 AM and the building still looked secular. An incredibly muscular young man with a flattop parked his truck and walked directly at me grinning from ear to ear. From the moment I met Griffin I trusted him. He simply wanted to be good. He asked if I wanted to help setup and I of course said yes. Griffin asked me a lot of questions. He wanted to know how I found out about Flamingo Road Church. Who I was, what I did, where I was from, where I wanted to go, what I wanted to do, and how had I found God? I had plenty of time to give answers and ask him the same. Griffin and I traded life stories while we errected banners inside, scattered traffic cones outside, arranged about a hundred chairs inside, ran miles of cord to various places, positioned speakers for optimal performance, and anything else to make the show happen. Griffin was from Alabama. He was going to college but would have to leave soon to fulfill his duties to the Army. More than anything he loved Jesus, his country, and his girlfriend Niki. As we worked I constantly had to stop and shake hands with other people pitching in. New people were a hot commodity and I was just as tired from smiling and talking as I was setting up. When it was finally time for the main event the building was packed out. Every seat taken and still more standing. Everyone happy to be there. Griffin deposited me with a tall man bearing a small afro and a very relaxed manner. TC is the most positive person I have ever met. He listened extremely well and never hesitated to offer help or advice. TC just loved being among the living. He introduced me to a conga line of other very attractive people in college and as the lights went dark TC bowed out and headed for the stage. In the dark I found myself sitting front and center between two twenty-sonethings. A well dressed man named Nathan and beautiful short woman named Leah. When the service started I was surprised.

In my experience up to that point, church and the act of worshipping Jesus were deliberately painful things. Church was boring and long because it was supposed to be. Church was quiet save for an old Southerner scolding the seated sinners because it was supposed to be. Songs sung for Jesus were about the wretchedness of the singers and the hope that they might maybe receive forgiveness they didn't deserve. As a child I hated church. I spent my first two years of education in a Christian school and hated that even more. Even at an early age I found the Bible boring, wordy, and contradictory. In Sunday school I refused to color anything because I knew there would be no consequences save perhaps lashes with a switch back at home that I would no doubt earn some other way. At home I would frustrate my family by asking why it was OK to lie to the tax collectors or what the specific requirements were to use the Lord's name. My efforts usually led me to a leather belt. Persistence paid off though. When I was 7 I got to go to public school and I never went to church with my family again. My parents and all my sisters have a sort of mutual love and disinterest in Jesus. They love to sit and sing along but the idea of actually reading the book is just silly. It's HUGE. It doesn't make any SENSE. The nice parts like Heaven and the Ark will always be there to help them sleep without any of the fire, stone, or spears. Their strategy was always to approach me with the assumption that I believed what they believed and disregard anything I said to the contrary. It's no surprise then that to me "Jesus" was not compatible with "fun."

Whenever TC played his guitar for the congregation at Flamingo Road Church you knew that whatever the truth might be TC felt blessed. He was happy. The other people on stage were happy. The skinny redheaded keyboard player was up there laughing with the rest. I remarked to Nathan and Leah that I recognized the keyboard player from The Gills. Nathan simply smirked and said "That's Allan. He's my little brother." When the music stopped a man in his thirties rushed out on stage. He had jeans and boots with a suit jacket and dress shirt. He greeted everyone and thanked them for coming. A quiet dignity came over the room. Pastor Chris spoke for maybe five minutes before introducing the man above him. Everyone please welcome Pastor Troy. Troy wasn't there. He was on a massive television. Troy was in Doral Texas at the OTHER Flamingo Road Church. One of many. Troy was perhaps 40 and had a very high voice to be so large. He also sported jeans, boots, and dress clothes on top. Troy is the focal point and also the weak point of the whole event. His standard sermon is about 40 minutes. Ten minutes intro. 5 minutes quoting fragments of scripture. 10 minutes extrapolating his point from the sacred sentence fragments. 5 minutes of prop comedy. Ten minutes asking for money. It's not life changing. It's not even good at what it's trying to do. It's not a guilt trip either though, not completely. The TV turns off. Chris comes back out. Donation plates. Music. Pavlov would've been proud. As the musicians revived the crowd for a final sing along with capital G, Nathan turned to me and invited me to a Bible study that Tuesday night geared towards people in college. I wasn't in college and in fact had dropped out of high school but Leah would be there and so would Griffin and TC and Allan would if he wasn't busy and of course I said yes. A quarter billion handshakes later it was time to leave and I offered to help put the stuff away that I had set up. Griffin and the others just laughed, they had two more identical services in the next few hours. Somebody from the final group would organize a team to put the stuff away. By 3 PM the building would be secular again. Flamingo Road Church would be locked up and its flock scattered to the winds.

On Tuesday we met at Leah's house because it was very neat and clean with a big living room. She took hosting seriously and usually had snacks available and candles everywhere. I had trouble finding the place and when I got there I was faced with about twenty beautiful people sitting cross-legged on Leah's carpet. Everyone was very happy to be there and greeted me warmly. Most of them I met briefly before but for the very first time I got to shake Allan's hand and tell him I loved his music. Allan was shy brushed off the praise. Over the course of the next year I would spend at least three days a week with these people and the routine became second nature. On Sunday I tried to arrive early to help get the building ready. We jammed out with the band. Thought a little about Jesus. Talked about money. Jammed out again. Every week it seemed we stuck around longer and longer just to talk. On Tuesday we met up for Bible study. Nathan was the College Minister as it turns out, so it was his job to pick talking points for us that went with the church's theme that week. He also presided over all discussion, having had the most Christian Theology classes. Usually Nathan would ask a question and ask everyone to turn to some page or other. Then we would have an open discussion about the ideas. Everyone shined in their own way. Griffin was earnest and to the point. Leah was thoughtful and patient. TC was wise beyond his years. Sarah (a social worker) had so much real life experience to lend to her ideas. Russell had a knack for explaining complex ideas with clever metaphors. Ashley made everyone laugh and always told the truth even when it hurt. Ryan was open and strong. Allan was humble under all circumstances. Niki was hard working and well traveled. Sarah (bank teller) was quiet but sharp. I did what I do, poke holes in things, happy to be the black sheep which placed me at odds with Nathan who had the job of being smartest guy in the room. Nathan might have us watch a video and then reiterate the video's point saying something like "Prayer is not a conversation with God, but living your life in tune with God." I said that reminded me a lot of a lesson from Zen bhuddism in which meditation is not a state of mind but a state of being. Nathan did not like this. Nor did he like it when I compared and contrasted creation myths from Norse and Egyptian mythology with the Garden of Eden. He bit his tongue when I quoted the Book of Enoch but riled at me for knowing a few sentences from the Quran. Nathan made it clear that my ideas were born out of a lack of understanding scripture. In all categories the Bible was superior and unique, and Nathan was its one true interpretor. Usually after our talks the guys and gals would split up. The women would go to Leah's room and shut the door, what went on in there I cannot imagine. Mostly the men talked about masturbating and how ashamed they were. One by one the men would be asked to say anything they'd been struggling with. Griffin was struggling with waiting until marriage to be intimate with Niki, which resulted in his struggle not to masturbate. Russell broke out into tears and admitted that he had struggled with pornography and had gone to great lengths to keep himself from it. The other men had similar stories. When it was my turn to speak I told the truth. I felt like I masturbated a perfectly respectable amount and couldn't see how Jesus could blame me so I didn't feel the least bit guilty. What I struggled with was faith itself. Not the existence of a Sky King but the bizarre nature and maddening decisions of that creature if it did exist. I struggled with God's insanity and how I was expected to react to it. As it turns out, masturbation is the right answer, and my struggle was met with awkward silence. Nathan basically told me that God worked in mysterious ways and to let Jesus into my heart. Russell said that God's plan was like a grand painting, but I was trying to view it through a microscope, so of course some parts seemed bad. I kept going but my struggle went with me.

Then one day Rachel was there. Rachel was new in town. She took on the responsibility of watching everybody's kids during the worship services. She was great with children and was studying to be a teacher. Rachel was outspoken and boiling over with cheer. She was always coming up with activities for the kids. Rachel worked constantly and usually did so while singing and dancing. She talked just much with her hands as her words. We started doing everything together. Kids stress me out but every Sunday I found myself watching her watch the kids and occasionally moving something heavy or making sure nobody died while she left the room. I left all the discipline to Rachel because kids just obeyed her without question. She spoke their language. She watched their TV shows. She tried to convince me to watch Avatar: The Last Airbender. I tried to convince her to read Crime and Punishment. We made a good team because Rachel was like a human bubble bath and I was a tar pit. Rachel used to run up behind me and almost throw me to the ground with her arms wrapped around me. We watched the Winter Olympics with some other people from the Bible study group. Shaun White demolished the competition. Rachel fell asleep with her head on my shoulder.

I still felt like an outsider. Like the black sheep, but Rachel made me feel like that would go away with time. On the day before her birthday Rachel invited me to her place for dinner. I helped her set up for the party and I showed her how to start a fire. She made dinner. While we were eating Rachel casually mentioned her boyfriend in South Florida would be taking a break from his motorcycle repair classes to visit her. Something inside me went out like a candle. I pretended not to be surprised and finished dinner with my pride intact. She hugs me goodbye and she always hugged firm.

The next thing I know I'm driving down the highway and it's dark and rainy and it's so damn cold. Griffin was off to the Middle East. Russell moved away for work. Ryan moved away for school. Leah was on a missionary trip. Allan quit The Gills because Nathan told him he could use his music to serve God. Sarah was graduating and wouldn't have time for the college Bible study after. TC had to move away with his younger sister because they had no parents left. Nathan was promoted to assistant Pastor and passed his old position on to an even bigger know it all. Rachel had a boyfriend in South Florida going to school to fix motorcycles. How did I not know that? Just as suddenly as they'd come I had no one. I wondered how I got there in the first place. Wasn't I running away from know it all guys like Nathan and motorcycle boyfriends from a long time ago? It wasn't so much the motorcycle but the school that bugged me. Something about the structural approach being imposed on something inherently rebellious. Something about the prepackaged clean campus somewhere devoid of one Hell's Angel or Outlaw. It was on hollow thoughts like this that my mind dwelled when something ran out into the road. It was so dark and so wet I didn't stop in time. One almighty shudder and the squealing of my brakes. I rushed out into the downpoor. My head lights clearly illuminated a whimpering bloody coyote. It couldn't walk. It could hardly breathe. I was hours from a wildlife sanctuary. It was 2 AM. I was almost out of gas. I had a pocket knife because back then I always did. I knew I had a choice. Pull the coyote off the road and move on or help it cross over. Nathan said animals didn't have souls. I said they did and some men didn't. In the end I couldn't make the choice. I just knelt there blocking the desolate road in the middle of a frigid flash flood, running my hand across the beast's fur until he breathed no more. The car ran out of gas long before. I got them both out of the road. I walked a couple miles to the nearest gas station shivering the whole way. I never went back to church. No one ever called. I know what I did to deserve it. God damn it I know. But what the hell did the coyote do to deserve me?