#screaming into the void tonight

[polyacrylamidepensieve]

Today I was at work late because I needed results / data to come out the flow cytometry lab to figure out how to work up two different patient cases, and if I didnt order the right stains by 6 pm the patients’ cases wouldn’t be resolved until after the long holiday weekend. Because of the timing of pathology. And the lab techs were super sweet and pushed those two cases out for me first simply because they like me. And I helped them resolve a specimen swap mistake a few weeks ago.

Anyway that’s not the point. What happened was, I was sitting at my desk worrying and working and the janitor girl saw I was alone. She came up to me and said, I hate to bother you but… do you have any insight on lupus? I just got diagnosed.

I had about fifteen other patients swirling around in my head. I had half an hour to interpret the data correctly, double check with my attending, and order the stains.

Her question was so out of the blue - normally all the janitors and I say to each other is “thank you” and “you’re welcome” or “good morning”

I didn’t manage to do more than blink at her, pull up uptodate (“doctor google”), print out three articles on lupus diagnosis, treatment, etiology, etc, and ask her to get them from the printer because I was truly that dead tired. I pointed her in the right direction toward the printer. She thanked me on her way out a few minutes later. I completely forgot that any of this happened until literally just now when it hit me, four hours later in bed.

Fuck. Is this what it’s come to? Being too burned out and busy and exhausted to actually stop for a second and hear a person’s story and explain their situation to them in spoken words, with compassion? I gave her only a handful of kind words. I used to have so many. I don’t have any idea if she’s going to understand the articles whatsoever. I’d never seen her before, she wasn’t one of the usual janitors.

What is happening to me. I am barely functioning this week. My attending is horrific. Worse than my mom, but similar in so many ways that I’m constantly triggered. I can see she has ADHD signs and symptoms like I do, but can’t talk to her about it bc she’s old school and likely to respond poorly. she’s rude, constantly expecting too much of everyone else, slow, and her overwhelming anxiety is mostly expressed via shouting at and belittling everyone with “this won’t fly” and “why did this happen? Who did this” when anything goes wrong. We’ve had over 20 marrows four days in a row, which is busier than any other week so far, marrows-wise. I’m just trying to survive. Am on call for two weeks straight (which is a duty hour violation), even though my PD is getting actively yelled at for duty hour violations by the ACGME. I just. Completely forgot about this human interaction. It just fell out of my head as it was happening. I mean. I know I’m dissociating but fuck.

[cellephane]

time floats by in the blink of an eye. you take one step back, and there goes five :||||

[shysheeperz]

I'm tired.

[rillils]

idk why I never thought about it, but if we're assuming that this

is the brochure Bucky got at the Smithsonian in 2014, that must mean that he held on to it for two whole years. possibly carrying it in his pocket at first (you can sort of see the marks where it was originally folded), then carefully straightening it and smoothing out the inevitable little crinkles, with a tenderness he'd long forgotten he was even capable of.

moving it from journal to journal as he went through them, so he wouldn't risk losing it.

using it as a bookmark, so it would be the first thing he saw every time he flipped his journal open.

maybe tracing Steve's familiar face with his fingertips, with the odd but unfaltering certainty that he used to know what that felt like. that the memory must be somewhere in the back of his mind still, waiting to be unlocked like a treasure chest.

recalling how, during the war, he'd wished he could have carried a picture of his sweetheart on him like all the other guys did. how he'd wished he could see Steve's face every day, just for something good to hold on to, to keep him going when he felt every last shred of hope slip away from him.

and how, when Steve appeared with his new body and his old recklessness, all too eager to throw himself into battle, Bucky had learned what people meant when they said be careful what you wish for.

just. the notion of Bucky taking this fragile piece of paper in the first place, and then deciding to keep it, and then going out of his way to make sure it wouldn't tear, deliberately keeping it close at hand, cherishing it like it was his most prized possession– yeah no I need a moment

[distant-screaming]

the fact that q falls in love with toey twice without knowing, and the fact that toey falls in love so hard all at once that he never falters from it?? the fact that it's always toey that q likes and it's always q that toey likes. it's just. insane. absolutely sick and twisted and insane.

[whumpshaped]

make!! ur whumpee!! feel little and stupid!!! patronise them!!! be sarcastic and condescending to them!!! coo at them and praise them for the simplest things!!! in fact only ever give them stupidly simple tasks and force them to do said tasks and act like it must be super hard for them!!! never ever give them proper enrichment or stimuli so that they cant keep up their original level of smarts and wit!!! chip away at their brain until they rly do get a little dumb!!! knock on their stupid empty head often and remark how hollow it sounds!!! not a thought in there!!!

[rainbluealoekitten]

being pagan is awesome because sometimes you're doing elaborate rituals with blood offerings to a being who might be older than earth, and then the rest of the time you could be trying to convince your ancestors that they could have cider offerings if they ✨ do their thing ✨ to get you some

[regardstosoulandromance]

I love you community theater. I love you local farmers markets. I love you public libraries. I love you small business coffee shops.

[sevensoulmates]

I always make a point to listen very closely to what the lyrics are saying in the music over certain scenes because 911 is ANYTHING but subtle when it comes to their music choices.

The song that's playing during the montage of Eddie trying and failing to make a connection with women while golfing/hiking is interesting.

"I got High hopes, high hopes , That tomorrow's where it all begins , I'll be somebody's daughter , I'll be somebody's friend , I'll be somebody's part-time lover again , Chased by the devil down a one-way street , Made it out alive , Now I'm back on my feet , I got high hopes"

These lyrics are so interesting to me because it's once again placing Eddie only in relation to who he can be to other people. A son, a friend, a father. Never just him.

But what also stood out to me was the lines "somebody's part-time lover again" and "chased by the devil down a one-way street".

I googled both these phrases and didn't really find much "official" meaning.

But to me "somebody's part-time lover" really does encapsulate how all of Eddie's romantic relationships on the show have been. You see bits and pieces of it, flashes, like his romantic relationships are a sideplot in his own life. I also took it to mean feeling half-hearted about a relationship you're in too. Like how with Ana he was going through the motions, like how in this very montage he's forcing himself once again to go through the motions of trying to force a meet-cute, like he will once again with Marisol by the end of the season. Marisol once again feels like something shoehorned, something forced, someone for Eddie to be another "part-time lover" to.

The other line "chased by the devil down a one-way street" to me, indicates running from a supposed "devil" (ie. something you believe to be 'bad'), repressing something 'wrong' about yourself that you refuse to acknowledge. And the "one way street" to me indicates an illusion of only being able to go in one direction, feeling like you can only be able to take one path, and why does he run as fast as he can down this one-way street? Because's he running from the "devil", the thing he's repressing, the thing he won't let himself acknowledge. Because, Eddie, you're running. You're not in a car. You can choose to turn around and walk in the other direction, you just refuse to face this illusionary "devil".

Even the portion of the song that we're supposed to be paying attention to, the "high hopes" part, feels off. Because high hopes usually lead to what? Disappointment. "High Hopes" are expectations, literally. By the end of this montage every one of his "hopes" are dashed. Eddie has these expectations for himself that he wants to live up to, but when he can't, he'll just feel more disappointed. He'll have these high hopes about a relationship with Marisol only to be let down because he thinks he'll develop this deep, amazing connection with her but more than likely he just won't because those kinds of relationships DO NOT (I emphasize again they DO NOT) happen that quickly looking at you Evan "she sees me better than anyone after 1 date" Buckley.

It's just interesting that the song that's supposed to represent Eddie really moving on and being open to love and putting himself out there centers on only who the person is in relation to others, half-hearted romantic relationships, and running from something repressed.

[peaches2217]

Oh Jesus. I am feeling yesterday’s workout. I had trouble standing up and even sitting down at work, and now I’m struggling to walk at all. Even my butt hurts. Sitting hurts. That’s how hard I worked out yesterday. 😅

Needless to say, the routine I did is now a favorite and will be on heavy rotation once I can actually move without significant amounts of pain again. 😆

[lethal-liability]

MOHAWK‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

[tardis--dreams]

There's been interesting developments at work and i need to do a lot of work for university so i think tonight is the Perfect time to finish beyond evil

[distant-screaming]

the way ghost trick sets up a pattern and then immediately breaks it is incredible I love it. first stage and the phone line is dead already!!!

[a-wondering-thought]

when i find books that i want to read online for free in archives and such its like i've just discovered gold, and you might think that if you passed me giggling manically at the finding, or you might be concerned, but hey, we all have our interests

[void-of-unparalled-chaos]

Went out to eat with my mom today and they asked if we needed a kids menu.

I'm almost 21.

[lunarrosette]

I like need to just scream into the void abt nark which to be fair I have been doing in a discord with some of my friends bc they don’t know nark at all really but it just like AAAAHAGSYUAGSHSHHDGRHUS ya know?