#sebangst

[seblaineaddict]

Title Graphic created exclusively for the incredible new Seblaine multi-chapter fic Killer by my wonderful friend who I love to bits, Lisa @nightbirdssidekick . It's a fantastic story, initially written in the main from Sebastian’s POV, and you will not be able to put it down once you start reading.

This is essentially the glee S4 Blaine returns to Dalton storyline that we wish we had been given in Canon...

As always, the fic is linked below for you all to enjoy. 💜

[alliwannadoiscomerunning]

It’s Just a Thing (Child!Klaine Bereavement Sequel)

Hey! It’s @alliwannadoiscomerunning here. I decided to continue my @blangstpromptoftheday #1047 fill, which is “Blaine meets Kurt for the first time when he’s seven and Kurt is eight and they’re both at a support group for children suffering a bereavement”. Read Part 1 here. 

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     Blaine sits, slightly red-eyed, but calm, in the backseat on the way back from Lima. Pam doesn't ask him anything as she pulls into a different parking lot, different, but all the same when referring to the casual strip mall in Ohio. His dark hair carefully curls in the summer wind as Pam takes his hand and leads him out of the GMC Denali, which involved gripping both of his shoulders to lift him out of the giant SUV.  

     Pam can't tell herself why she and Josh had bought the car in the first place. They had two children, and a medium sized dog named Leo, which her eldest had named at age ten. After seven years, the dog still came everywhere with them, but was conspicuously absent today. Pam seldom wondered if Leo was depressed, too. Perhaps the extra large SUV came when Josh and her decided to raise their first child in the suburbs, where the mid-eighties were at its height and the thought of a big brick house in the Midwestern suburbs was actually appealing. Pam was sick of it. She longed for travel.

     She stared at her youngest son out of the corner of her eyes. Her remaining son. He's small and handsome, his retrossè profile framing something much more boring than his appearance. Josh and Pam had been overjoyed when their mistake turned into such a pretty baby.  

     But at the same time, Pam looked at him with pangs of pain that crippled her aging heart. Maybe, if this son hadn't been born, they'd still have the other one. Part of her, the darker side, sings at the idea. When Cooper had been a child, he would dance in front of his mother for hours and hours, pulling the most wonderful facial expressions, and making Pam believe that her son was going to go somewhere. Make it big in Hollywood, or Broadway. He was always bouncing around, much less patient than Blaine, who as a kid would sit in silence with his toys on the floor (Cooper’s?), and read books. The idea that ghosted the forefront of Pam’s mind was almost too good to be true.

     What was she saying?

     Pam settled down as a slightly cheered up Blaine licked his ice cream cone slowly, yet he paid much attention, as if it would disappear if he didn't savor the moment while it lasted. Maybe, Pam thought, that she should start savoring the memories, too.

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      Burt gripped the steering wheel carefully, listening to his son gush on and on in the backseat of the old Saab. The muffler would probably need to be replaced, soon, he realized, because he could barely hear Kurt’s lilted voice.

     Kurt asks in the tense Mellencamp-driven atmosphere, “Why’s bologna called bologna, Daddy? Shouldn’t it be bologna- that’s how it’s spelt.”

     This is good. A normal conversation.

     “I don’t know, son,” said Burt- why out of all normal conversations, his son had to pick the most obscure one there is..- “I guess it’s the Americanized-version of how the Italians say it.”

     “And how do the Italians say it?”

     The questions never end, and sometimes, Burt wonders if he has to answer them all.

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     The next Tuesday, at 4:00, both families arrived in the strip mall parking lot at relatively similar times. That day, however, it was just Pam bringing her son around to Ms. Pillsbury’s Boys’ Bereavement Group. After ice cream the previous week, Blaine was more interested in what would happen after the meeting than during or before.

     And as for Kurt, he was just trying not to think all that hard about it. His father wanted him to come, and so there he was.

    The boys found each others’ eyes from across the lobby. Kurt and Blaine never saw each other at school, and Kurt wondered why that was.

     “You said you go to my school,” accused Kurt as he came closer to the other boy, whose mother bade him no attention, “I didn’t see you anywhere.”

     This time, Blaine wasn’t in uniform, which last week, consisted of a dark, smart blue blazer with red piping, a red and blue tie, and a white button undershirt. There was a stitched ‘D’ on the front pocket in elaborate, neat font, and gray trousers with brown loafers. Kurt wore this that day, but Blaine himself was dressed neatly in a sweater vest and dark pants, with no socks, but shoes similar to the Dalton Primary uniform.

     “I haven’t started yet,” said Blaine, “Mommy says I’m not starting until next week.” He looked around aimlessly for Pam, who was off chatting with the weird blonde secretary, Sue.

     “Oh,” Kurt relented, “You just wanted to wear the clothes.”

     Blaine smiled, “Guilty as charged.”

     The two boys’ conversation slacked off into silence until Kurt blurted, “You know a lot of big words.”

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     In group about fifteen minutes later, Blaine started off by saying, “One of my favourite memories of Cooper was when he bought a dictionary once to just throw it at the wall. He just threw it. At the wall.” There were some giggles from the boys, particularly Kurt, who willingly sat next to him as soon as they walked in.

     “Did he dislike reading, Blaine?” Miss Pillsbury’s dynamic today was easy and nonjudgmental. Blaine knew her tone was gentle.

     “Uh huh. He never read to me, because he wanted me to learn by myself. I like that he did, because…because, now I know how to read.”

     “My daddy taught me how to read,” Nick piped up, “Can we read a book instead of drawing today, Miss Pillsbury?”

     “Yeah, I don’t like drawing!” complained seven year old Jeff. “It makes me feel like a girl.”

     Kurt gave a huff of annoyance, “Well, maybe if you were better at it, you’d like it more!”

     Once again, the group began to feel like it was falling apart. Miss Pillsbury found this incredibly frustrating, and gripped her clipboard with a tighter hold than she felt like she had on this group of little boys. Little boys!

     “OK,” said Miss Pillsbury, avoiding what very well could have been World War III, “OK. Let’s talk about reading some more. I don’t think we’ll have time for an activity today, so Jeff doesn’t have to worry.”

     What was meant to be a joke turned into anxiety when Jeff high-fived Nick. Did they really not like her activities?

     “Um,” Emma fumbled, “Do you have anything to add, Sebastian?”

     When perhaps the most distraught boy in the room lifted his head, Emma knew that she was in hot water. Sebastian was notoriously mentioned in Emma’s notes for his temper and his story, which was a tragic one. Not that every other boy had a right to be there, but Emma just knew that she may have gone one step too far. Asking Sebastian to speak up in group was probably a mistake.

     Nick, Jeff, and Blaine exchanged a few glances with each other. Kurt was confused, because it was only his third meeting, and well, who was this Sebastian kid, anyway? He couldn’t have been more than eight, but no younger than Blaine or Nick or Jeff. His green eyes were dull, and because they were so (well, not attentive) they weren’t anything special. His hair was well-taken care of, so there was that. Kurt found nice dark brown pigments between Sebastian’s chocolate and sandy blonde roots. Not too blonde, though.

     “I’m Barry,” Sebastian finally spoke, “Not Sebastian. Sebastian. Is. Dead. Dead. It was Sebastian that died. I’m Barry.” -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

     Christopher Smythe was a worn out man.

     What stared at him now, but the face of defeat? What gazed down on him, except God, who was probably too drunk, like him, to care at all that he made another mistake. That mistake, Christopher decided, was too horrid to be the truth, and started theorizing that God took away one of his twins because only one of them was supposed to be born. And then, he supposed God screwed up once more, because he left the more insolent, tantrum-throwing, and behavioral child on Earth, and took away the kinder one.

     Barry had been perfect. Little Bartholomew and Sebastian (marrying one of the richest women in Paris had its drawbacks, including naming his children ridiculous names that belonged in a Charlie Chaplin film) had been born identical, and came in a package deal. You take what you give, including the fact that Barry was the sweetest, kindest child Christopher ever had the pleasure of meeting. And the fact that his more reserved brother, Sebastian, quickly acted out in response to his co-twin’s death only made things more complicated for him.

     Christopher Smythe was tired. He was tired of the judgmental looks, tired of the glares he received from liberals who knew his story. Like there weren’t hundreds of them every day- hundreds who shouldn’t be dead because of the very thing that protected him from whatever’s out there. Barry shouldn’t be dead, and Christopher blamed God. Sure, he felt the scorn of a hundred children, a hundred parents, but you take what you give.

     Christopher stood inside Dalton Primary School, the principal standing in front of him. He didn’t know if Mr. Schuester knew who he was, yet, or if he cared. If he would judge his son for what happened to their family.

     Mr. Schuester waited for Christopher to talk again, like he had been for awhile. But Christopher found his mouth dry. He cannot, because Sebastian, his son, is speaking.

     “I’m not Sebastian.”

     Mr. Schuester smiled; he must think this is a joke. A game. A child hiding behind the sofa, holding up a puppet.

    “You’re Sebastian Smythe! We’ve seen your photos! You are going to love this school, we teach—”

    “I’m NOT Sebastian, I’m Barry.”

     “Uh—”

     “Bastian’ is dead. I’m Barry.”

     “Bastian?…?” The man trails off, and looks to Christopher, understandably confused. Christopher’s son then repeated himself. Loudly. “Barry. I am Barry. Barry!”

     The hallway of the school is silent apart from Sebastian, shouting these lunatic words. William Schuester’s smile has faded very quickly. He glanced at Christopher, who was the picture of a haggard father, with a panicked frown. There were lots of happy children’s drawings drawn over poetry printed on paper tacked to the wall. The school principal tried just one more time.

     “Ah...um...Sebas—”

     Christopher’s son snapped at Will Schuester as if she were stupid. “Barry! You have to call me Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry! Barry! BARRY!”

     The man stood his ground, but Sebastian grew quite out of control. He was giving them a full-on toddler’s supermarket tantrum- except that they were in a school, and he is seven, and he is claiming that he is his dead brother.

     “Dead, ‘Bastian’s dead. I’M BARRY! I am Barry! He is here! Barry!”

     What do I do? Christopher thought, and he tried to make normal conversation, absurdly, “Um, it’s just a thing, a thing – I’ll be back to pick him up at-”

     But Christopher’s efforts are lost as Sebastian screamed again, “BARRY, BARRY, BARRY, BARRY, BARRY, BARRY, Sebastian is DEAD and I HATE him I’m Barry!”

     “Please,” Christopher said. To Sebastian. Abandoning his pretence. “Please, son, please?”

     “SEBASTIAN IS DEAD. Sebastian is dead, they killed him, they killed him. I am BAR-THOOOOO-LOOOOO-MEEEWWWW!”

     And then as quickly as it started, it blew itself out. Sebastian shook his head, stomped over to the far wall, and sat down in a little chair, under a photo of school kids working in a garden, with a cheery message written in felt-tip pen. He who plants a tree plants hope.

     Sebastian sniffed, then said, very quietly, “Please call me Barry. Why can’t you call me Barry, daddy, that’s who I am? Please?” His teary green eyes lifted. “I’m not going to school, ‘less you call me Barry, please. Daddy?’

     Christopher felt paralyzed. His pleading sounded painfully sincere. He truly felt like he had no choice. The silence prolonged into agony. Because now, I’ve got to explain everything to this Schuester guy at the worst possible moment; and to do that I need Sebastian out of here. I need him in this school, he thought.

     “OK, OK. Mmm-” Christopher said, unable to think properly. “Mr. Schuester. This is Barry. Barry Smythe.” Christopher became frightened, and started to mumble. “I’m actually enrolling Bartholomew Christopher Smythe.”

     There was a long pause. William Schuester looked at Christopher, with intense confusion.

     “Pardon me? Barry? But …” The teacher became a bright red, flustered. Then, he reached to a desk, behind a open, sliding window, and took out a sheet of paper. His next words were more of a whisper. “But it says here, quite clearly, that you are enrolling Sebastian Smythe? That was on the application. Sebastian. Definitely. Sebastian Smythe?”

     Christopher breathed in deeply. He started to speak, but Sebastian got there first, as if he overheard.

     “I’m Barry,” said Sebastian. “Sebastian is dead, then he was alive, but then he is dead again. I am Barry.”

     William Schuester, once more, says nothing. Christopher started to feel too dizzy to respond, teetering on the edge of dark absurdity. But with an effort, he spoke, “Can we let Bartholomew join his new class and I can explain?”

     There was another desperate silence, Christopher’s face pleading for the other man to understand. Then, he heard children singing a song down a corridor, raucous and happy.

     “Blackbird singing in the dead of night, take these broken wings and learn to FLY-”

     The incongruity made Sebastian’s father nauseous.

     William Schuester shook his head, then edging closer to Christopher as he said, “Yes ... That seems sensible.”

     The school principal turned to a good-looking young woman, in a pencil skirt, pressing through the glass doors from the cold outside. “Ms. Corcoran, Shelby, please–do you mind– can you take, ahh, Barry Smythe to his new class, Year Two, end of the corridor. Madelyn Stewart.”

     “FLY, blackbird, FLY- ”

     Shelby nodded an amiable Yes and squatted down, next to Sebastian, like an overkeen waitress taking an order, “Hey, Barry. D’you want to come with me?”

     “Into the light of the dark black night…blackbird singing in the dead of night…”

     “I’m Barry.’ Sebastian was fiercely folding his arms. Scowling. Bottom lip jutting. As stubborn a face as he can manage, “You must call me Barry.”

     “Sure. Of course. Barry! You’ll like it, they’re doing music this morning.”

     “FLY, blackbird, FLY…”

     At last, it worked. Slowly, he unfolded his arms and he takes her hand- and he followed Shelby toward another glass door. He looks so small, and the door looks so huge and daunting, devouring…Christopher couldn’t help but wish his wife wasn’t in Paris right now, coping by herself. The twins had been in his custody when Barry had died.

     For one moment Sebastian paused, and turned to give Christopher a sad, frightened smile- and then Shelby escorted him into the corridor- he became swallowed up by the school. Christopher must leave him to his lonely fate; so he turned to William Schuester.

     “I have to explain.”

     Schuester nodded, sombrely. “Yes please. In my office. We can be alone there.”

     Fifty minutes later, and Christopher has given William Schuester the basic, yet appalling details of their story. The accident, the death, the confusion of identity, all over fourteen months. He looked suitably and honestly horrified, and also sympathetic, but Christopher could also detect a hint of sly delight in his eyes, as he listened to the narrative. Christopher was certainly livening up another dull school day. This is something he can tell his wife and his work friends today- you won’t believe who came in today, a father whose son doesn’t know his own identity…

     “That’s a remarkable story,” said Schuester. “I’m so so sorry.”

     He took his glasses off and puts them on again. “It is amazing that there is, ah, no way...of really…”

     “Knowing? Proving?”

     “Well, yes.”

     “All I know is that – I mean, I think – If he wants to be Barry for now maybe we have to go with it. For now. Do you mind?”

     “Well no, of course. If that’s what you prefer. And that’s fine in terms of enrollment. They are…”

     Schuester searched for the words. “Well, they were the same age, so – yes – I’ll just have Shelby update the records, but don’t worry about that.”

     Christopher got up to leave, eventually, quite desperate to escape.

     “So sorry, Mr. Smythe. But I’m sure everything will be all right now, Sebastian – I mean – your son. Barry. He will love it here. Really.”

     Christopher simply fled.

[ao3feed-seblaine]

by nightbirdssidekick

When Blaine comes dancing back into his life, singing the tantalizing lines of Dark Side right at him, Sebastian keeps his poker face, just like he always does. But the truth is, he feels a little like he’s being impaled alive. Killer. That’s what Sebastian used to call him... for a reason.

Dalton’s golden boy is back and so is Sebastian’s inner turmoil and that eerie desire for something he sure as hell doesn’t want.

A Dalton story about what could have happened if Blaine had returned.

Words: 4168, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English

Fandoms: Glee

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Categories: M/M

Characters: Sebastian Smythe, Blaine Anderson, Hunter Clarington, Nick Duval, David Thompson, Thad Harwood, Jeff Sterling, Trent Nixon, Beatbox, David Karofsky, Original Characters

Relationships: Blaine Anderson/Sebastian Smythe

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Sebangst, Denial of Feelings, Friends to Lovers, Slow Burn, Angst, Fluff, Eventual Smut, seblaine, seblaine endgame, Dalton Academy, Dalton Academy Warblers, POV Sebastian

[blainesebastian]

Do you have any sebangst fic recs?

sebastian angst, right? actually i don’t have any for sebastian bc my natural go-to is bLAINE ANGST so i’m sorry i failed you in that respect lol 

one fic that i can recommend that’s in seb’s POV and has a bit of angst of ‘he done fucked up’ is called i can be your someone else by @xonceinadream and i love it v dearly

send me anons or fic requests 

[whatdiditellyouflawless]

oh hey there, i just finished reading the last published chapter of im gonna miss you, too and then Afraid by The Neighbourhood came on spotify and it reminded me so much of sebastian and now im crying on the bus. thank you.

You’re welcome?  God I listened to that song just now and you have the Sebangst nailed, lord.  I should consult you on song selection going forward!Thanks for reading, let me know what else is resonating, and I’ll try to give you more if I can.  Next chapter is almost done and it’s less angsty, I promise.  And Chapter 49 should bring the boys talking again.

[dapper-blanderson]

Sometimes the worst people are the most broken.

[kuhummelarchive-blog]

i'm trying to tell tracy how to make tea and she's making it sound like it's uncommon for americans to own a kettle??

[rykerstrom-blog]

Fic: Hand of Sorrow (SeBlaine) - Chapter 1

Title:  HAND OF SORROW Rating: M / NC-17 Ships: Sebastian / Blaine Genre: Angst, Hurt / Comfort, Multi-Chapter Word Count: ~15500 to date Warning: Sex, dub-con, brief mention of character deaths (in the beginning) Summary:  Blaine Anderson was a Tribute from District 7 who caught the attention of Sebastian Smythe, a prodigy from Capitol. When Blaine unexpectedly won the Games, little did he realize that he and Sebastian's lives would now be intertwined and that there would be sacrifices to be made. Link (AO3):  1 |  Link (Tumblr): 1 | 

CHAPTER 1

Blaine had not expected that he would live through it. Nobody had expected to live through it. In fact, if there was one that was certain, it was most assuredly that the odds were not expected to be ever in his favor. At the end of the day, Blaine Anderson was dispensable.

He was dispensable even in the eyes of his family.

"It's your brother's last year," his father said, his eyes hopeful about his son's future. "He's getting married in a few months and then he'll be starting a family."

The unspoken words and their implications hung in the air. Cooper was important. Cooper would bring pride to the family name. Cooper was loved. Cooper was straight.

Cooper was everything that Blaine was not.

Of course, the likelihood of Cooper actually being chosen was very slim; due to their family being more well off than others in the district Cooper's name had only been entered the minimum of seven times, but they discussed it nonetheless. They discussed it every year, but this year was especially important because it was Cooper's final Reaping, and everyone had such great plans for Cooper Anderson.

But The Capital had its own.

When his brother's name had rang out into the air, Blaine had felt as if his Earth had stuttered to a stop. He watched, sweat breaking out across his brow, as his brother's face had filled the screen. Terror and shock blending into one and almost rendering his brother unrecognisable.

Blaine didn't have to search for his parents to know that somewhere their hearts were breaking. That his mother would have all but collapsed into his father's arms as she heard her nightmare confirmed. No, he didn't have to crane his neck to know that his father's jaw was tense and that the hands that held his wife shook with fear and barely contained fury. He didn't have to meet their eyes to know what it was they wanted. Needed.

Blaine loved his brother. His brother was his ally, his best friend, his confidant. Cooper had always been there for him when no one else would stand up for him. Cooper could not die, not when he was so close to being free from all this. Cooper deserved a chance at happiness.

On the screen he watched his brother gave a small brave smile and started forward as the crowd parted, as if a mere brush of his shoulder would contaminate them to the same fate. As the escort called Cooper's name with excitement and encouragement, Blaine watched his beloved brother, his charismatic, graceful and confident brother, stumble over his own feet, catching himself before he fell to the ground.

Blaine knew then, without a doubt, what he had to do.

Blaine had received one of the lowest scores out of all the Tributes. That was to be expected. He didn't train for this. The most he could do was boxing, but boxing was really of no use when you were up against all types of weapons. In spite of coming from District 7, Blaine hardly had many opportunities to handle an axe. As his father put it, he was too accident-prone to handle sharp objects. Therefore, the most that he could rely on, was to make allies, use his wits, and hope that by being nice and evading people, he would get lucky. After all, it had worked for others in the past.

At the beginning, Blaine was sure that he would die on Day 1, especially considering that year's Hunger Game environment was that of a desert, the polar opposite of Blaine's hometown. For one brief moment he had thought of jumping from his podium and ending it all right there. But something had held him back. He honestly didn't know if it had been hope, or stupidity.

He remembered having wasted most of his energy running from other Tributes and trying to hide. By the end of the Day 4, he had no water, no food, and no shelter. As the cold night wore on, Blaine realized to his dismay that he might have contracted the early stage of hypothermia.

However, it seemed that not everyone had betted on Blaine getting killed. Day 4, as it turned out, was the turning point for Blaine. As he felt himself inching toward the blink of death, supplies and care packages started coming in. It started out rather ordinarily. Blaine would receive care packages with food and vitamin supplements to tide him over and help him keep his strengths.

And then, the care packages became increasingly extravagant over time. Even in the state he was in, he was confused. He lacked the popularity of the other Tributes. He wasn't an obvious contender, he wasn't the most handsome, he wasn't the most memorable. He was just Blaine Anderson of District 7. Just plain old dispensable Blaine Anderson.

By Day 7, Blaine realized that the one thing keeping him alive was that someone was betting on him. That someone actually cared whether he lived or died. Hope ignited in him and he began to play the game. He wouldn't kill. Not for them. But he got smarter. Got quicker. And by Day 9, when only five remained, he realized that he may actually get a chance to go home.

It was this day that the knife arrived. It was beautiful, exquisite even. Even novice that he was, he knew that it was of finest grade materials and craftsmanship of the highest quality available. Taking it from the leather-wrapped sheath, he had turned it over and over in his hands, letting fingers graze the sharp steel, not even flinching as it nicked at the skin.

Across the belly of the blade, it was simply engraved.

Blaine Anderson. Victor.

From the moment that Blaine's had called out in his brother's stead, he had told himself that he would not kill anyone. He would not let The Capital use his hand to create their havoc. He would go in as himself, and he would leave as himself.

At night he watched as the faces would show in the sky, and grip that knife tighter and tell himself that it wasn't a weapon. It was a symbol. A symbol of faith. He would never be the one to put an image above him. Not even when Kurt of District 11 had appeared. Kurt of District 11, with the cerulean eyes and the kind smile. Kurt of District 11, whose eyes were now dull and whose smile was gone forever, leaving the tributes down to two. Not even then did he consider dirtying that beautiful blade with the blood of another.

Until Day 14. Until David Karofsky, a Career from District 2, had come at him with that machete and everything Blaine had ever whispered urgently to himself fled in one last effort to keep going, to keep breathing, to keep being. Until that moment.

Blaine Anderson. Victor.

Blaine shook his head to clear his thoughts from replaying David's final moments. It was not something he wanted to recall, ever again.

Winning, as it turned out, was a gift and a curse.

Blaine had exposed his weakness the moment he had taken his brother's place. His love for his family. And The Capital had used that against him. They had came to him during the victory tour, their smiles wide and their eyes empty, and had told him that he was important. They had told him that he was needed, that he was desired. And it was such a small thing, wasn't it? And worth it in the end. His family would thank him, and didn't Blaine love his family? He had already came this far, what was a few steps more.

"You have to be strong," his mentor, Mercedes, had told him. "I know that it's- I know that you thought it would be over by now, we iall/i thought it would be over," her eyes had darted around as if President Snow's hand could clamp down on her shoulder any moment. "But you have to be strong. For the ones you love." Her head had bowed then and her fingers touched at the gold band around her finger. "For the ones you love, Blaine."

Blaine took a deep breath in an effort to calm himself. He had been sitting in this extravagant room for the past half an hour as he waited for what would be his- customer.

First customer. He thought bitterly. This was it. This was going to be the rest of Blaine's life. To be someone's toy until he became too old to hold anyone's interests. Winning in the Hunger Game was no victory, it was a different kind of death sentence altogether. Blaine Anderson was no victor.

Blaine heard the heavy wooden doors opening but remained where he was. He really did not want to know or meet the person who was about to buy him. Blaine saw a pair of feet before him, dressed in what he could perceive as very expensive pair of shoes.

Finally, Blaine looked up and was greeted by the most radiant pair of sea-green eyes he had ever seen.

"I'm Sebastian Smythe," Sebastian extended out a hand. "And you're Blaine Anderson. Victor."

(TBC)

Addendum: The fic is still work in progress, but I do intend on finishing this as I already have the entire story plotted out. If you like this fic, please rec and review it. Once again, if you enjoyed this please like and reblog. Thank you!

[gaygayprincess]

someone needs to become the claire for sebangst

[hummel-berryarchive-blog]

brooke ily oxoxoxoxox btw its Tracy

YOUR URL IS DA BOMB BABY AHHH I LOV EYOU SOM UCHH????

[yusaku-tenjo]

in which sebastian admires kurt from afar but kurt is still dating blaine?

 Beware the Angsty!Sebastian!

Sebastian had a good reason for always being at the Lima Bean. But it wasn't one anyone expected.

His parents suspected that he had a girlfriend, and he was spending time with her. 'Fat chance.' He thought.

The Warblers still believed that it was his lust for Blaine and need to piss Kurt off. 'Nope.'

His younger sister thought it was because he found a pretty prince who would help him get away from their parents, and maybe take her with. 'I wish Alice...I wish.'

The real reason, was the one person he thought he would never admit to liking on more than a one-night stand level. McKinley's Ice Diva, Kurt Hummel.

He didn't know if it was the boy's fiery temper, the way he would never back down, the way that, even if he was wrong, he would fight until he won. It could be the way that Kurt would let down his mask around friends, allowing a more gentle, tame Kurt Hummel to appear. Maybe it was the fact that even though he was put through hell, he bounced back stronger, something Sebastian himself couldn't do.

Or maybe it was the eyes. The gray color flecked with different blues and greens and golds. The way they would change colors slightly depending on lighting and mood. Sebastian would never miss the amber color that glared at him as they bickered. And he always caught the gentle sea-foam green when Kurt would look at Blaine.

Blaine was another story. Blaine was the one Sebastian lusted after. But nothing he felt for the hobbit could compare to what he felt for Kurt. Blaine was also the one who kept Kurt from him.

He watched as the couple walked to their booth, drinks in hand. Kurt was laughing happily at something Blaine had said, and Blaine was smirking proudly. Kurt said something in reply, and Sebastian could see the familiar way that Kurt simply relaxed into the seat as Blaine spoke again.

It wasn't fair. Why did Blaine get him? Blaine had everything! He was lead Warbler, his parents love him, the whole world loved him! Well, except for those assholes at his first high school, but still.

And what made him so special? Trent was quick to fill Sebastian in on Blaine's faults, maybe to steer him away from the taken boy. Blaine led the 'Gap Attack', ignored Kurt's feelings, even chose a girl over Kurt! Sure, Sebastian had accidentally blinded the boy for a while, but the fire in Kurt's eyes when they fought... there was no way the boy could deny it felt wonderful.

He looked down at his now cold coffee. It just wasn't fair, that Blaine got everything. And Sebastian had nothing but his little sister. She would love Kurt, and he could tell Kurt would love her. He could be the brother he wished she had. The best friend to be there for the things Sebastian had no idea how to handle. Sure, he wanted Kurt to himself, but not just for himself.

Sebastian sighed softly before looking up, this time, catching Kurt's gaze. Something was different. The sea-foam green color in his eyes that was a match for Blaine, wasn't there. Flecks of golden littered the gray irises. But no sea-foam green.

Two things stood out besides that. The dullness held in the dark colors, and the badly covered bruise on Kurt's right eye.

Maybe, Blaine wasn't so perfect after all. And maybe Sebastian could finally take what he wanted so badly to be his. 

[dareinchris]

I HAVE WRITTEN SOME THINGS FOR MY SEBLANE FEELS.

Title: Gravenimage

Rated: +13 - language, some references Summary: Sebastian realises the price for loving Blaine. Blaine just wants to follow his dreams. Inspired by "Gravenimage" by Sonata Arctica.

Pairing: Seblaine

Genre: Drama/Romance

Blaine Anderson had been staring at the selection of pastries and desserts assorted in front of him. Just before he can try to narrow down his choices, a middle-aged man with a bit of grey on the back of what used to be luscious black hair, a good substandard amount of pudge around his belly, and stubby fingers had been holding a brown paper bag in one hand and an order of a latte in the other.

  Blaine chuckled before taking them both from the man’s hands.

  “You can’t gain an ounce if you keep drinking that black stuff,” the man finally stated, as Blaine just shrugged, taking a sip from the warm, sweet calorie-infested coffee, as he looked back at the good-humoured male. “Where’s your friend?”

  Blaine’s cheeks coloured in slightly, as he just shrugged. “He’s shopping.”

  “Ah,” the male shook his head. “He’s been coming around with you a lot. Kurt, right?”

  Blaine curled his lower lip inward as he nodded his head, taking another much needed sip to break the rather quelling silence. The male walked from behind the counter, and everyone around him parted to let the owner of the local coffee shop suddenly move towards what they saw was just a simple dark-haired child. Blaine sat down beside the nearest vacant chair and had opened up the brown paper bag, pulling out a muffin.

  “Do you know many calories are in this?” his nose wrinkled in distaste.

  “Like you need to worry about ‘em,” the male placed his elbows on the table, as Blaine placed the muffin on the brown paper bag like it was a plate, taking another sip of the latte.  “Can you guess?”

  “Steamed milk, espresso, vanilla and caramel syrup, three sugars, and a bit of honey,” Blaine called out the contents of the latte perfectly, as he picked up the muffin, which he turned around his hand. It wasn’t on the bakery selection like usual. Probably rarely ever there. He sniffed it, despite the fact that people might be staring at him. “Coffee, cinnamon,” he picked off a bit of the muffin and it came off quickly in his hands. “Moist.”

  “That all?” he raised his eyebrow.

  “No, wait, there’s something,” Blaine placed the muffin back down, looking at it from every angle.

  “Should I tell ya?” Blaine finally nodded his head as the man picked off a part of the muffin, to show something white embedded. “Vanilla, and white chocolate chips.” He placed it into Blaine’s hand, whom just chuckled softly as he placed the bite of muffin in his mouth before chewing.

  The man leaned back as a brunette walked towards them. The man was staring at the brunette’s clothing – the brunette was wearing tight black pants, over a large grey sweater that actually wasn’t so large that it was swallowing him but big enough that it covered him perfectly. The grey sweater had a good amount of buttons creating towards his collar and was decked in white and black feathers designing the sweater so it wasn’t plain at all. Underneath the sweater, he was wearing a white shirt.

  The brunette sat down with his order that was signed by Felicity – damn, he knew her handwriting anywhere as he sat down beside Blaine. “I’m going to leave soon but I saw you with…um…” the brunette extended his hand to shake the man’s hand. The man chuckled and then shook the brunette’s hand.

  “Suppose you deserve a bit of an explanation?” he muttered. “Name’s Joseph. I’m Blaine’s Father, Kurt Hummel.”

  Kurt nodded his head and looked back at Blaine, whom just explained. “My Dad owns this place,” and with that knowledge, Kurt blushed. All of their coffee dates, fights off with Sebastian and every single thing they’d said to each other – Joseph probably heard them too, which was why he knew who he was just by seeing him.

  “Non-fat mocha that is,” Joseph stared at the coffee cup in Kurt’s hands.

  Kurt slowly nodded his head, blushing even harder than before. Kurt looked at Blaine for a moment, slightly fidgety around him due to his Father’s presence.

  “Wha?” Joseph muttered, looking at him. “You can talk to him, you know. I won’t ban you from him or something. There ain’t nothing I haven’t heard.”

  That did nothing to the slightly fidgety Kurt, as he nodded his head. “I just am not quite well around company as I was before.” Kurt shook his hand again and looked Blaine for a moment, wondering something before extending his hand up to Blaine.

“Come on. He’s not some random stranger you just met. He’s your boyfriend, right?” the man explained and Kurt nodded, before Kurt relaxed slightly. “Kiss ‘im goodbye. Give him a slap up the butt if you want.”

  Blaine chuckled at his Father’s words. Kurt looked at Blaine’s eyes, completely transfixed by him now, as he laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder and gave him a kiss. Blaine relaxed into Kurt’s kiss and Kurt left after a curt jerk of his head towards Blaine.

  Blaine chuckled again as he sat down and ate the muffin, drinking the rest of his coffee.  Joseph’s eyes were full of bemusement. They sat there for a while, as Blaine finished the last drop of latte. Before Blaine can nod to his Father to leave, he bumped into another figure. Blaine stepped back, seeing Sebastian standing there, steadying a textbook in one hand and a coffee in the other.

  Blaine’s eyes hardened. “Sebastian.”

  Sebastian just stared at Blaine, shaking his head. “Your adorable little boyfriend is a blushing virgin around your Father,” Sebastian noted.

  “You…?” Blaine raised an eyebrow, as Sebastian continued to speak, cutting him off.

  “Oh, please, Blaine,” Sebastian rolled his eyes, but then his eyes were brimming with delight. “It’s cute how he kissed you.”

  Joseph stood up right now, eyes full of hardness, but Sebastian placed a hand up in the air, as if to halt him. Joseph raised an eyebrow, in some sort of inquiry, as Sebastian turned to look at Blaine. Sebastian placed a hand on Blaine’s hip and one on Blaine’s shoulder as he pressed his lips against Blaine’s own. A look of complete shook plastered against Joseph’s face. The kiss was deep. Blaine melted and Sebastian found the need to wrap his arms around Blaine’s waist.

  Sebastian slapped Blaine’s ass on his way out, and Blaine was stunned.

  “You alright, Blainey?” Joseph said, moving towards his shell-shocked son as Blaine nodded his head, still somewhat stunned by what Sebastian had done. Joseph had told him to follow him outside, as he saw Kurt moving towards them again, waving a hand towards him. Joseph smiled and Blaine was just about to go when he was pulled back by strong hands. Joseph turned around and to his hatred found himself pushed back down by a blonde that can bench press him for a living.

  Kurt was taken by two men, each one of them looked like they weighed three times more than Kurt did, and most of it was fat probably.

  “Let go of my son,” Joseph hissed as the blonde laughed, punching Blaine in the stomach.

  “Let. Go. Of. Him.” A more definite voice sounded out. The blonde turned around to meet with Sebastian’s face. The blonde collapsed into laughter, as Sebastian pulled out a coffee cup, running his finger across the lid. “This is yours. And my Father works with the police. They can get blood samples and everything…Garret. What kind of name is that? Was your Mother high when she named you?”

  “Don’t talk about my Mother like that.”  Humour whipped off the blonde’s face as he signalled for the others to follow him. Sebastian looked at Blaine. Blaine immediately tensed as he looked back from Sebastian to Kurt. Sebastian can tell Kurt everything right then, that his ‘perfect boyfriend’ kissed him, even if it was a lie.

  Sebastian just walked right off, prompting Blaine to text him. Why didn’t you tell Kurt about the kiss? It was reckless.

  Sebastian answered immediately afterwards. Playing games now, aren’t we, Blainey?

  Blaine rolled his eyes at the response as Kurt walked over to him and made sure he was okay. Joseph made a crack about Blaine being addicted to his phone like every other teenager.

  “I’m going home for dinner,” Kurt explained and then stared at Blaine intently. “Do you want to come too?” he asked, voice soft.

  Blaine shook his head. “No,” was his simple answer. He smiled anyway and hugged Kurt as tightly as ever. Kurt didn’t expect it but hugged him back. Blaine stared at Kurt just after they broke away. “You’re amazing.”

  Kurt’s eyes glittered in that beautiful way. “And you’re the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.”

  The statement emitted a small smile from Blaine as he looked down and then back at him. Their eyes just locked for that moment before Kurt left, taking the great deal of awkwardness with him. It was somewhat adorable Kurt was so awkward around his Father.

  Joseph called his chauffeur over to take him home. Just as Blaine got into the front seat, Javier looked at him and then laughed. Javier’s eyes filled with glee. “That is the face of love, isn’t it?” Javier cupped his cheek. “Beautiful, young love.”

  Blaine chuckled nervously. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten into the car after an encounter with Kurt. The only different thing he’d done today was be kissed by Sebastian. He cringed. Blaine himself had gotten into the kiss, almost lost in it. Now, as an afterthought, Sebastian tasted a lot like fish. Blaine blushed. What the epitome of all romance novels. Fish.

  You taste like fish; now all humour was back into Blaine’s face. How romantic of you.

  I had salmon for lunch, with wild rice and hot chocolate.

  That sounds so good! Blaine was full-on grinning right now and then caught himself in the rear-view mirror, before he faltered. He’d never looked so thrilled before, not even around Kurt. The smile disappeared, but then, unaware, it reappeared as Sebastian answered: I kiss you. You have a boyfriend. Most people would start cussing at me, but you choose to explain to me that my kiss tastes like fish.

  It escaped Blaine’s mind for a moment, at the realisation – he felt like the most downright filthy putrid thing in the world, but at the same time, he felt light – like he was floating on glass. Sebastian, when you think, do you think in English?

  Sebastian didn’t even ask him why he asked him such a question. I think in French. Do you think in rainbows, Blaine?

  A small smile pressed against his lips, even though it was weak, as an uncomfortable curdle pressed against his stomach. This was the boy that slushied him, that kissed him in front of his Father and then slapped his ass after – he shouldn’t be exchanging secret texts with him. Maybe I do. Maybe not. What did you think when you first saw me?

  Est-ce que tu crois au coup de foudre au premier regard ou est-ce que je dois repasser? Blaine shook his head at this, translating it in his mind. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?  Blaine then asked: how do I taste like?

When Blaine got a response, he placed his phone back into his pocket and didn’t ever mention the kiss to Sebastian ever again.

Inside Blaine’s pocket, the screen still flashed: like you lost yourself.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Blaine made Javier take him to an address and said he’ll be back in mere minutes. Blaine knocked on the door, once, twice, three times, and then Kurt immediately opened the door. “Blaine, dinner’s finished and Mom and Dad are upstairs but I—”

  Blaine cut him off, as he pushed Kurt up against the wall and then kissed him. Kurt responded, as Blaine placed a hand on Kurt’s hip, and the other one at the small of Kurt’s neck. Kurt tasted like casserole, tuna – Carole always knew how to make good casserole. And pineapple. His lip balm. Kurt’s lips were far soft and delicate. Blaine pulled back and then reached in to kiss him again. A few minutes in, the multitude of kisses that Kurt watched Blaine pull away.

  Kurt placed a hand on Blaine’s cheek. “Shh…”

  Blaine didn’t realise that there were tears pooling into his eyes until the first tear fell from his cheek. Blaine shook his head. “I can’t let you see me like this,” and then left without another sound.

  When he stepped inside of the car, Javier gave him tissues and Blaine blew his nose. Javier took him for drives around the park and didn’t even say anything. When Blaine saw Sebastian walking in the street with his hands into a coat that he didn’t recall him ever wearing, Blaine let out a strangled sob and brought the tissue closer.

  Blaine finally got his phone up to see Kurt had texted him. Are you okay?

  Blaine blinked a few moments. How do I taste like?

  Why?

  Blaine tried to make up something. I’m just wondering. You tasted like casserole and pineapple.

  Kurt then wrote: what a lovely combination. Blaine can almost hear the sarcasm in Kurt’s voice. Nearly a second later within reading that, Kurt had sent him another message: you taste like a chai latte. You always do. You’re addicted to these things.

  Blaine let out an awkward chuckle, and then saw himself in the rear-view mirror. He looked troubled, frenzied. He stewed his phone away again and then asked Javier to take him home. Blaine’s mind drifted…like you lost yourself.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Sebastian Smythe.”

  “Blaine Anderson.”

  “Oh, I know who you are.”

  “Are you a freshman?”

  “Do I look like a freshman?”

  Blaine turned to his side, took out his phone, and smiled as he heard the seas rolling by outside the window of his Father’s beach house. No, you don’t look like a freshman, he typed into his Touch as he heard the sound of tides sloshing outside. Tides at the night, a recipe for insomnia. You look lonely.

  What are you looking at? Sebastian finally replied.

  Blaine jerked his head forward to look at a full-length mirror. A mirror.

  Sexy, was Sebastian’s immediate response. You’re not wearing any clothes, are you?

  Blaine blushed as he curled up into his blanket. Not in particular. Are you fantasising about me naked?

  When am I not?

  Blaine chuckled under his breath. You treat me like I’m a hot piece of ass sometimes.

  Well, yours is adorable and cute. How can you blame a Warbler for staring? Blaine felt flattered, but somewhat trudging into dangerous territory as Blaine typed in: What are you looking at?

  A boy I hooked up with tonight.

  Blaine felt disturbed, but then it hit him – Sebastian was fully honest with him. …can I see him?

  Sebastian sent him a picture and Blaine cringed. The boy’s entire body, head to toe, naked, muscled, with a seven or eight inch cock from what he can deduce from what he saw, eyes that were wide and beautifully blue. His shoulders were defined. All of him was defined. He was pale, and his blonde hair was in front of his eyes. Apparently, he knew the picture was taken but he didn’t really care. He’s awfully hot, isn’t it? Sebastian had typed.

  Blaine typed back as quickly as he could.

  …do you want to see me?

  Blaine curled his tongue in his mouth. He wasn’t thinking straight, and there was white-hot jealousy in him as he took a picture with his phone, even though it didn’t capture all of him like he wanted it too. Blaine sent it to Sebastian and Sebastian quickly replied: you can’t sleep, can you? Your eyes are bloodshot. You’re not thinking straight.

  What if I don’t want to? Blaine felt reckless, the kind of reckless he always felt with Sebastian, with giving him his phone number, but with Kurt, it was all control and stop signs.

  You’ll regret this tomorrow. Blaine was regretting it right now.

  I know. Blaine typed back.

  Sebastian finally responded: you’re hot, you know that? You have this really nice looking birthmark on your shoulder, and another one just under your ribs, it’s fucking hot.

  Blaine blushed. What’s the first thing you noticed?

  Sebastian typed back as quickly as possible. Your eyes. They’re so big and innocent, which just makes the fact that you’re naked a plus.  Aren’t you afraid I’m gonna tell Hummel?

  Blaine bit down his lower lip. I’m going to tell him.

  Blaine typed back a message to Kurt just then: call me when you can, okay? He didn’t expect to have Incoming Call: Kurt Hummel only a few moments later, as Blaine slid open his phone, suddenly feeling shamefully dirty as he took a deep breath. “Kurt,” he called him.

  “Blaine?” Kurt didn’t sound sleepy at all.

“Are you okay, Kurt? You’re not asleep.”

“Well, I had a too large of nap this afternoon,” Kurt grunted and then said. “Blaine, honey, why did you call?”

  Blaine bit down his lower lip, which was trembling. “Kurt, I just sent a naked picture of myself to Sebastian. I…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

  “You did…what?”

  Blaine then added on. “Why are you so awkward around my Dad, Kurt?”

  Kurt was sighing on the other end of the line. “Because…” he stopped right then, as if he was thinking about it too. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Blaine.”

  “You don’t love me,” Blaine said it as a fact after realisation.

  “Blaine, I love you, just…”

  “…is it enough?”

  Kurt shut the phone and Blaine got his answer. A few minutes in, Sebastian had asked him: how did he take it?

  We broke up.

  Blaine waited for Sebastian to drop a sexual line about how they were meant to be anyway: I’m sorry you’re hurt, Blaine. Blaine was actually shocked by how accurate that statement must be, because he definitely wasn’t sorry they broke up, just that Blaine was hurt at the result of it.

  How hurt do I think I am?

  Sebastian finally responded. Not enough for a first love. Do you honestly think I’d try to hit on you and get you if I was sure Hummel wasn’t going to leave you, Blaine?

Blaine just responded. Yes.

  Sebastian didn’t answer after that.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian drove the blonde home promptly after the end of their encounter. They had another round of sex, and then Sebastian called it a night. He took him back home and then he got another text from Blaine: meet me in the Lima Bean now.

  It was nearly four am. Too early for coffee, wasn’t it? He found Blaine wearing a coat, and then raised his eyebrow, before nodding towards Blaine, allowing him to sit with him on the front. The car ride was silent as Blaine said he wanted to go to Sebastian’s home.

“What does your Father know?”

  “Nothing,” Blaine said after a moment, and his voice was soft.

  When they arrived to his house, Sebastian took him upstairs. “It’s really empty,” Blaine said after a while.

  “My parents are on a business trip,” Sebastian retorted in a nearly icy manner and Blaine nodded his head. They walked up to Sebastian’s room, where Blaine picked up a pillow and laughed.

  “It’s really soft.” Blaine got on top of his bedside and he pressed his head onto the pillow. Blaine looked up at Sebastian and took off his coat. Sebastian looked at the naked Blaine before him, but couldn’t say he wasn’t as aroused as Hell. Sebastian took Blaine’s face into his own hands.

  “Why did you send me that picture?”

  “I was jealous.” Blaine said. Being this close to Blaine made him smell the scotch on his breath. “I was really jealous.”

  “You’re reckless.”

  Blaine laughed. Of course, it was hilarious. Sebastian, that went to Scandals to get laid, calling the calm and collected Blaine Anderson reckless. Sebastian saw Blaine pull himself to Sebastian’s lap and then kiss him. Sebastian kissed him back for a moment before pushing Blaine backwards towards his bed, and then covering him with the duvet. Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s cheek. “Sleep. You’re drunker than I am in Christmas.”

  Blaine looked away from Sebastian. “Why doesn’t anyone want me?”

  It took all of Sebastian’s energy to steady his breath and then say, “Sleep, Blaine.”

  Blaine fell asleep only moments after and Sebastian’s first instinct was to place a few articles of clothing that he had from when he was shorter. He got the shortest shirt on him, a pair of boxers, socks and his favourite pair of loafers and placed it beside Blaine’s bed. Sebastian kissed his fingers and placed them on Blaine’s cheek.

  When Blaine woke up, there was a medium drip from the Lima Bean on the stand. Blaine smiled as he picked up the coffee, draining at least a fourth of it quickly, only to notice that there was a small note on the stand. You’re super-hot when you sleep.

  Blaine chuckled and then placed the note on the front of Sebastian’s trousers. Even though they must be one of his old ones, they were still too long to fit Blaine so he had to staple the ends of his pants in. The hoodie was large and swallowed him up. The biggest thought running into his mind was: I’m wearing Sebastian’s underwear. Simple thought, but it made Blaine blush thinking of wearing anyone’s underwear at that moment.

  When Sebastian walked into the room later that day, he discovered that Blaine was gone, along with his clothes and his coffee was drunk. He smiled to himself, as he went to fix up the pillow before he heard his phone ring. He picked up his phone and accepted the call. “Why didn’t you sleep with me?” Blaine finally said.

  “People say hello,” Sebastian greeted him before saying. “You were drunk. I didn’t want to make your pretentious love life even worse.”

  Blaine seemed to pause and consider this. “You knew you wanted me…romantically…from the first moment you saw me right? When I was with Kurt, you told me that it didn’t bother you if it didn’t bother me, so how can anyone trust to be in a relationship with you?”

  “I only said that because I don’t even deserve to be with you, much less be your one and only—“Sebastian stopped at that moment. “I have to go, Blaine.” He shut the phone without a response.

  All Blaine can think of was at the other end, as he passed by his Father was that Sebastian didn’t think he was good enough for him. He lay down on the couch. His Father wasn’t home yet, but when he was, he’d want an explanation.

  Sebastian heard his phone buzz, and he answered after a moment of contemplation: thank you.

  Blaine got a text a few moments after: you’re beautiful. Blaine didn’t even know why tears were pooling into his eyes, as he smiled down.

  Javier was passing by him when Blaine heard “beautiful, young love.”

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  The weather was cold up, but there was a fire lit. Blaine watched as Sebastian turned around, fiddling with the buttons of his coat, and then lying beside him naked. “I thought I’d show you mine,” Sebastian finally said, as Blaine looked down at Sebastian’s form. Blaine took off his shirt, following his pants and boxers. Both of them naked, but it was so odd for Blaine to realise Sebastian wasn’t going to have sex with him, as Sebastian laid a hand onto Blaine’s shoulder.

  Blaine pressed his head against Sebastian’s shoulder. “You have bony shoulder blades.”

  “Do they bother you? I can gain weight. I happen to enjoy food.” Sebastian said after a moment, making Blaine laugh.

  “No,” Blaine said after a moment. “I have a bottle of scotch if you want.”

  “I want, but I can’t trust you with alcohol. Especially when we’re both naked. I don’t think I want to survive another day where I have to reject you.”

  Blaine pulled the bottle from the couch they were leaning back on and Blaine opened the lid. “Who said I wanted you to reject me this time?”

  Sebastian pulled two glasses and they shared the bottle together.  It was the morning, cold, and the fire was the only thing that kept them warm before the fiery bitter alcohol ran down their throats.

  In three years of having sex, this was the first time he’d even worn a condom.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Just as Sebastian was calling out orders, he’d seen Blaine’s silhouette walk in, so he’d called out Blaine’s order to the cashier as well. After their drinks were prepared, he gave Blaine his drink and Blaine smiled at him. There was no bashfulness. It was almost as if when Blaine’s virginity was taken away from him, he had found all the confidence in his body, which Sebastian would admit to be hotter than the bashful schoolboy thing.

  “The university I want to go to just opened up admissions.” Blaine chirped. “I’m doing psychiatry! Six years for my undergraduate, and then two more years for my post-graduate to specialise and doing another two years to get my Masters.”

  Sebastian found himself grinning towards him. “I suppose my family has a new appointed psychiatrist.”

  Blaine nodded his head.

  “Is this what you really want to do?” Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s wrist, as Blaine nodded. “Where is it?”

  “In London,” Blaine bit his lower lip. “The universities and colleges are really competitive and if I want to apply, I have to do it soon because the chairs get full really fast.”

  Sebastian nodded his head again and then squeezed Blaine’s hand. “Oxford or Cambridge?”

“How do you—?” Blaine shook his head. “Oxford.”

  Sebastian smiled back at him. “Then do it, Blainey. We can do things when you’re in that uniform in ten years,” there was no resentment in his voice as he laid his hand onto Blaine’s.

  Blaine shook his head as they kissed quickly, and Blaine left to start on his application. Just then, Joseph Anderson walked by. Joseph had never approved of Sebastian and Blaine being together and that prompted Sebastian to icily say, “I’m not leaving him.”

  Joseph gave him a muffin. Sebastian took that into his hands, as he looked down.

  “You’re losing weight.”

  Sebastian nodded his head. “I knew he was going to apply into that God forsaken university. I knew it.” He said the last bit with a trembling lip. Tears filled his eyes as his hands shook. “Fuck him. Fuck Oxford and his dreams.”

  “Except not, you’re letting him go.”

  “If I said the words ‘don’t go’, he fucking won’t.” Sebastian said after a moment, taking a deep breath. “And what kind of living is that? It’ll bite him in the ass. If we ever get married, he’ll start screaming it at me and if we ever adopt, the kids will just hear it over and over again ‘Sebastian, you made me give up on my dreams’. What kind of life is that if I didn’t let Blaine go?”

  Sebastian shook his head. “He’s hot. Some London bastards might go after him.”

  Joseph smiled at him. “What are you doing after you graduate?”

  “I’m not graduating.” Sebastian said gruffly. “I’m failing every class.”

  Joseph raised an eyebrow. “You’re a smart kid. Seen you help Blaine with stuff even I don’t know about.”

  “I know.”

  Joseph stared back curiously and asked, “Then why are you failing?”

  Sebastian laughed, took a bite out of the muffin and just as he was leaving, he finally said, “You never asked me if I was failing every damn class I have on purpose.”

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Regionals this year.” Thad chimed in as he pulled out his bottle of scotch. “None for Blaine or Jeff because your drinking tolerance is like my ninety-year-old grandma.”

  Blaine shook his head, laughing. McKinley was nothing without Blaine, or its lead faces. Kurt talked to Blaine sometimes too. Jeff took a sip of alcohol either way when Thad poured him a very small amount. Nick was sipping his cup slowly and they laughed around together. Sebastian was playing with the rim of his alcohol. Blaine sat down beside him and laid his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, and kissed his forehead.

  “Your drink is full.” Blaine noted. “Why are you sad?”

  “I’m not,” Sebastian truthfully responded. I’m so motherfucking hurt that sad doesn’t even begin to cover it. “I’m thinking.”

  Finding truth in Sebastian’s tone of voice, Blaine relaxed. “Stop thinking.”

  “And be as reckless as you?” Sebastian teased him and Blaine laughed as Sebastian pressed his lips against Blaine’s. The Warblers weren’t completely up for the idea, but then again, Sebastian was the reason Blaine was in Dalton, even if Sebastian insisted he didn’t transfer for the sake of him, but Blaine said McKinley was boring and the only reason he even transferred there in the first place was because of Kurt.

  A day from now, Sebastian would be walking through the fire where they’d first had sex. Sebastian looked down at the fire; still burning brightly as long as he’d chose it too. He sat down, watching the flames die down. By the time his maid came back up to recreate the fire, Sebastian shook his head. “Leave it,” his voice was stern.

  “Of course, Master Sebastian,” she was just about to leave. “Is Master hungry today?”

  Sebastian shook his head. “Not in particular, Althea.”

  “I hope you sleep well tonight, Master Sebastian.” She shut the door of his room, as Sebastian picked up his phone and found Blaine asking him: I need to go take a passport the ‘British’ way and take the IELTS along with the SAT’s soon. The IELTS test centre want a recent photograph done in the British-ish way, with my ears showing and without me smiling.

  Sebastian smiled weakly: have to keep the hat I got you for your birthday at home then?

  I’m afraid so, Sebastian! He can almost see the smile on Blaine, making his own smile widen even more. Can you take me?

Of course I can, Blaine. I have a car, don’t I? The question is ‘may I’?

  You’re an ass.

  Sebastian’s smile dropped, even though it was a joke, as he then added on: what time then?

  Six am. I know you’re not awake until two pm on weekends, but pleaaaaaaaaaaase?

  Sebastian gave in. Only for you, Blaine. Only for you, Blainey.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Just as Sebastian was driving Blaine, Blaine was talking animatedly.

  “…I was thinking of doing my six year medical programme. The first year is a foundation year where I get to learn everything and then the next five years is basically all learning and shit. Then I’m going to another university, still in London to do my post-graduate since they say that those years count more.”

  Sebastian stopped the song that was playing on the radio.

  “—I was listening to that.”

  Sebastian didn’t look at Blaine. “It’s an annoying song and I hate it.”

  Blaine looked hurt. Sebastian didn’t realise why as he left abruptly without a goodbye when they got to the destination. Sebastian finally opened the radio and realised what song was playing as the tunes of Glad You Came filled the car. Sebastian suddenly cursed the world for telling Blaine that their song was annoying. Sebastian immediately got a text from Blaine: go home, Bas.

  Sebastian took a deep breath, shaking his head and then mumbled, “black-haired bitch”. Immediately afterwards, Sebastian bit down his lower lip, and drove as fast as he could to anywhere. He couldn’t believe he just called Blaine that, even if Blaine wasn’t presently there. His heart was hurting and his chest tightened. He needed to clear his head. He needed to stop thinking.

  He stopped in the middle of a street that was almost always empty because it lead to nowhere and just then, he broke into tears. Fuck it. He can’t even recognise music anymore.

  Like you lost yourself.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian Smythe had been taking violin lessons since he was a small child. At first, it was a priority. His Father wanted his son to be able to play an instrument. Sebastian resented it growing up but his Mother made him fall in love with music. He can make beautiful music.

  “So beautiful! Inspiring! I wish your Father could’ve heard this,” his violin instructor would say as Sebastian dragged the bow across the strings professionally standing like he was taught to. Sometimes it didn’t matter if his neck felt strained. In time, he wouldn’t even feel the strain, or realise he’d been standing for hours on end, trying to perfect notes. To everyone else, they sounded perfect, but Sebastian can see all of the flaws.

  When his Father told him they were leaving Paris, his only rebellion was to play all the time. His Mother loved it and loved falling asleep to the soothing music. His Father hated that cursed object and his aunt tried various times to break it, but it never really broke.

  The antique violin stuck with Sebastian for years.

  Sebastian walked into his room, staring at the object of his affection – his small violin and then picked it up. It was light and familiar in his hands. He pulled it away. His Mother walked inside of the room. Nathalie was biting down her lower lip so bad that it was drawing blood. Not that he can tell with the shade of red her lipstick was.

  “Sebastian, don’t continue failing like this,” her voice was soft.

  Sebastian shook his head. If he just passed, any college would take him. Money was the answer to all of that. He could give them all they asked for, bribery, but he needed to at least past, even with the smallest decibel. “I do not want to pass anything.”

  “Why?” Nathalie whispered. “You are such an intelligent child.”

  “If I do, then Blaine will want me to go with him.” Sebastian shook his head. “I don’t want to leave anywhere. I want to sit here all my life.” “Is it a life then?”

Sebastian shrugged and then Nathalie pursed her lips together. “You can be a violinist. Anything, Sebastian, but not nothing…”

  “Fine.” Sebastian said.

“Promise?”

  Sebastian nodded his head. “Promise,” he said the last bit with pain in his voice. After that encounter, Sebastian realised that his Father didn’t really care about how much pain he was in as long as he had a purpose in life, no matter how meagre. Nathalie talked animatedly towards her new guests already, introducing Sebastian as the best violinist that they’d ever hear. They made Sebastian stand in the study, and he’d play notes for them, and sing along. His voice sounded bland, not as enthusiastic. He did a different version of Uptown Girl, and then this led him down to a trek of memories.

  His Mother and her friends were appeased with this. Bad, Smooth Criminal and Stand was after.

  He paused in the middle of Glad You Came, gave his smiles towards the audience and said he must be feeling sick, and then left to throw up the only meal he had eaten that day. Nathalie dropped beside him and ran her hand through his hair.

  “It’s alright, love,” she didn’t quite understand. “They still love you out there.”

Sebastian nodded his head numbly, and then stood up, before texting Blaine with nimble fingers sore from playing song after song: I’m sorry. I’m stressed.

  Blaine answered immediately after: what’s happening to us?

  Sebastian chuckled. I don’t know. He honestly responded.

  Next time, Sebastian had invited Blaine over to the Lima Bean. He sat alone for an hour before he decided to leave. Just then, Blaine was recognised by one of the blonde workers. “A boy named Sebastian Smythe asked me to give this to you if you ever come.”

  Blaine took the coffee cup from her and the muffin, cinnamon, chocolate and-

“Vanilla and white chocolate chip.” The muffin that his Father fed him when he looked like he lost five pounds. He might have lost more. He was so excited about future plans that he had probably forgotten to eat a few times.

  Blaine was just leaving when he noticed the medium drip had one note attached to it. Blaine took it, and his heart hurt him. I’m glad you came.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Talk to me, Blaine had just texted him.

  Sebastian rolled his phone in his hand, and placed his violin onto the bedside. His Mother walked in and stared at him with a soft smile on her face. “You should be intently practicing these past few weeks as just a week after your graduation—I’m having this get together and if you manage to impress them, then you will definitely get a job.”

  If not, then he was thoroughly fucked. Sebastian knew the latter.

  Sebastian called Blaine, and then leaned back down onto his bed. “Blaine?”

  “Sebastian,” his voice was soft. “Kurt called me today and told me he still had the promise ring I gave him.”

  “Oh?” there was no envy in his voice. Sebastian knew he was fucking lucky to even have Blaine, much less be jealous of some ring that Kurt had given him a year back when they were together.

  “I promised to love him and pick up his phone calls and bake him cookies at least twice and year and surprise him. I still do all of those things,” Blaine’s voice was full of nostalgia as he spoke to Sebastian. “Yesterday, I sent him this package of macadamia nut cookies, and I wrote ‘I love you’ onto them, and he called me and I picked him and we just started crying. I don’t…I don’t know why.”

  “You loved him enough, Blainey,” Sebastian said, his voice showed no resentment, no jealousy, just hurt. “He just couldn’t love you the same.”

  “I made a promise,” Blaine chuckled. “And my heart follows suit.”

  “Then let it, Blaine.” Sebastian said. “How do you feel about me?”

  “When we kissed before, you said I was losing myself. I was. In you. Now, when we kiss, it’s like we’re losing our senses. I don’t know. I don’t think…I don’t think we’re falling apart. I don’t feel it. I just…I remember Kurt sometimes. I don’t want anyone to be a foreign memory. I made promises to Kurt, and I’ll keep them as long as I live. I know myself, Sebastian.”

  “Yes,” Sebastian’s voice was slightly gruff now.

  “I promise you, Sebastian.”

  “What do you promise me?” Sebastian felt his throat tighten.

  “Hope. I’ll hope for you. I’ll be your hope when everything turns to black.”

  “I know,” he said after a while. “I know, Blaine.”

Sebastian can almost feel Blaine smile on the other line. “Remember when you lit that fire when we were cold and we did it for the first time and���?”

  “I love you.” Sebastian said, cutting him off. “I love you, Blaine.”

  Blaine didn’t say anything afterwards. Blaine cleared his throat. “Okay, Sebastian.” He said after a moment.

  “I’m in love with you,” Sebastian corrected. “I’m completely and utterly in love with you.”

  “I think I’m in love with you too.”

  Sebastian’s throat tightened. “That will always be enough for me, Blaine.”

  Sebastian heard Blaine sob on the other end of the line as Sebastian held on, hearing him cry as he soothed him with words of promise, memory and tranquil love stories they swapped together.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

The song they’d chosen was Glad You Came done with a mash-up of Stand. It was exactly the same as last year, but because this year, they weren’t expecting them to do the same song, the audience would be baffled. Blaine would lead the Stand part and Sebastian would do Glad You Came.

  “It’s ingenious,” Thad said after a while. “Completely ingenious. Nobody would expect it!” he was giddy and acted like a child.

  “Calm down, Thaddeus.” Nick muttered. “You don’t want to soil your pants like last time.”

  Thad blushed hard as Blaine laughed. “It was chocolate milk! And it was Jeff’s fault! He threw it on me, accidentally!”

  Over the clatter of laughter, there was Sebastian shying away. When they were up, the McKinley students were staring at him. Will Schuester was waving towards Blaine and Sebastian. Blaine can spot his Father. Sebastian can spot both his parents and his little sister, Audrey, whom was staring at them with transfixed eyes. They weren’t here last year, but Mother insisted it was ‘one of Sebastian’s last performances’.

  Blaine began with the Stand part of the song, sounding overexcited as they did Warbler shuffles and kept to a nice beat. Then Sebastian’s part came to sing, and he began perfectly, before his throat was tightening. Just at the end of the first verse, he knew he couldn’t go on. Compensating, Sebastian spun Nick to the beginning of the stage as if it was deliberately planned and they then began. For the rest of the songs, the Warblers broke tradition and spun each other around just to make it seem as if they were planning this the whole time.

  By just at the end of it, Sebastian ran off to the room and then tried to sing. It came out as a strangled yelp of what used to be, as he shut his eyes, fury surfacing.

                                                          “Sebastian! What the hell was that!?” David angrily inquired.

  “I like it—“Jeff was cut off by Blaine.

  “Just leave him alone,” Blaine whispered.

  “Oh, of course, defend your boyfriend.” David grunted. “You know, because of him, we’ve suffered too much. The cost was too much and the price was set too high—“

  “I can’t sing,” Sebastian angrily stated.

  “What do you mean you can’t fucking sing?” David said, clenching his fists together. “You—”

  Sebastian tried to sing the lines, but they all came out as screeching sounds, as Sebastian’s voice lowered with every single line. David’s eyes widened and Blaine’s eyes softened as he walked towards Sebastian. Sebastian looked back at Blaine. “Don’t follow me.” His voice was soft as he pecked Blaine’s cheek.

  Sebastian stepped out of the room, then out of the hallway. He intended on getting some fresh air, but then stopped in his tracks. “That wasn’t planned.” Sebastian froze at the sound, the sound of Jean Smythe’s voice. Sebastian shook his head.

  “No, it wasn’t. I can’t sing anymore.”

Jean laughed. “Of course, you can’t,” he said it as a statement. “Sebastian, you have a beautiful voice but when you have a thousand emotions running through your head, I realise you can’t sing as a child. Then as you grew more apathetic, your voice reached to pitches unimaginable. You weren’t taught to release emotion in voice or music, Sebastian. You know how to by screaming every goddamned second of the day—”

  Sebastian was staring down at his feet. “I think I lost Blaine.”

  Jean cocked his head to one side.

  Sebastian’s heart was hurting him. “I can’t sing. It’s almost like everything is weighing on me. When I’m at my happiest, I can’t sing. When I’m at my lowest, I can’t sing. I used to be okay with singing.” He realised the truth of those words as he tried to say a few lines, but all his brain can function on was the tightness in his chest and the drop in his stomach. He felt like shit, and he sounded like shit, and he’ll probably always sound like shit right now.

  That was okay, Sebastian told himself. That night, he went upstairs and ran up, getting his violin. It was all just fine and dandy.

  His head was thinking of a thousand things, as he played note after note, and then gave up, throwing the violin on the bedside. He can’t focus on the notes. He can’t focus on making his voice come out as brilliantly as possible. He can’t focus on anything. He can’t even focus on sleeping or eating. He’d lost himself in a vast of what used to be him. Sebastian didn’t realise his fingers was shaking until he saw them and then he heard a strangled cry. He thought he was singing again but then realised he was just crying so hard he was sobbing his heart out. It made him cry even harder that that was how he sounded like when he sung, a man tortured; the screech of a bat. He sounded scary instead of beautiful.

Sebastian stared up into the mirror and didn’t even recognise the broken man that lay before him.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Beautiful. Extraordinary.”

  The violin instructor chimed as Sebastian grinned up at him. Sebastian ran downstairs, holding his violin that seemed like it was as big as he was, and holding a boy that was taller than he was as the young boy ran into the room to tell his Mother. He found her lying down at bed, with a strange man on top of her and pushing something inside of his Mother.

  Sebastian’s mouth dropped as his bow fell to the ground. That was enough to stop them. His Mother was pregnant again a few months again and Sebastian was sure it wasn’t his.

  Next time, Sebastian found his Father and asked him what they were doing. He heard Jean and Nathalie fighting and she hit him, and Sebastian hid behind one of the big violins in the study.

  His Mother tried to make it better, taking Sebastian into her arms. “We’re going to make dinner now and it’s going to be lovely.”

  She laid Sebastian on the counter. “Are you going to play for me?”

  Sebastian tried to play. Jean stood by the doorway. His heart hurt him so bad that he can’t focus on making the notes properly. He sounded horrible and his Mother faked a smile. “That was very beautiful,” she kissed his cheek.

  Sebastian’s stomach continued to drop. He tried to sing. He always had such a beautiful sound but now, it was coming out in strangles and screeches instead of proper musical tones with pitches and beautiful steadiness. Sebastian bit down his lower lip and tears fell down faster.

  Nathalie turned to Jean. “Look at what you’ve done? He’s so upset he can’t even sing or play.”

  She gave him a peanut butter and apple sounded. He ate it all up with zeal. The cinnamon threw him off, but then just as he got to the middle of it, he realised he was too empty. No amount of food would fill him up. Why even try? He placed one of the sounds on the plate.

  “Jean, Sebastian isn’t eating.”

  “That’s not too tragic. The boy is a hundred pounds overweight.”

  “Oh, please, you’re a hundred pounds overweight and your eyebrows look like Liberace.”

  “He’s not overweight. He’s plump.”

“He’s ten years old, four-foot-six and two hundred and four pounds.”

  A few years later, he realises he doesn’t need to feel anything. He grows up spiteful at first. At around thirteen, he’s five-foot-ten and weighs one hundred and four pounds. A hundred pounds less than he did before, exactly. He is a depressed plain child. He hasn’t seen his Mother in ages and he lives with his Father.

  Sebastian remembered cutting carrot sticks on his plate. He’s starving and he doesn’t give a damn about his weight. Actually, he didn’t use to think he was fat, just sick looking. His teachers that have seen him grow up before think that he needs help and has an eating disorder. Sebastian laughs. Like he gives a damn about his weight. He does all of this so his Father can take back a sentence that Sebastian still remembers three years ago. He fucking hates carrots. He doesn’t count calories and he’s pretty sure that whatever they are, his diet of lettuce, carrots, cucumber and celery sticks don’t have much of it. The only thing he splurges on is sugar and coffee, and that’s just to keep him going through the day. Sometimes, he does cave in and eat his macaroni and cheese, but not around his Father, and he always goes back to eating the same damn tedious things.

  Over the years, Sebastian’s only grown in height and lost weight. The worst of it is when he’s six feet tall and doesn’t weigh over ninety-eight and then his Father finally throws his fist towards the table and screams for him to eat something other than that goddamned lettuce. That’s all Sebastian needs to start eating. If he gains weight, then fuck it. He doesn’t care. He’s proved a point. By the time he’s fourteen, he’s gained sixty pounds in a year and doesn’t give a damn. He doesn’t gain any more weight. He’s 158 and doesn’t care if he gains another twenty pounds because he’ll still be in the healthy region. He grows two more inches in height, and still looks like a “stick” so his Father would say, except this time his Mother doesn’t want to break into tears every time she sees him. His ribs still visibly show except his hipbones aren’t so sharp that when Sebastian runs his hand down them at night, he swears he’s hit a knife.

  That’s also the year that Sebastian compensates starving for sex. He has sex, sex, sex, and nobody says anything – neither his parents do – because they believe that Sebastian’s still in shock considering he just realised his Mother’s a lying, cheating whore  so he’s only doing what she does. The first time he’s had a boyfriend he’s slept with his brother in a week and they broke up. Sebastian’s boyfriend threatened him with a knife two years later when he’d seen him and that’s the reason they move to Ohio.

  When he joins the Warblers, they tell him of this ungodly Blaine and then show him a video of him singing.

  When Sebastian hears him sing, he races back home and starts playing his violin two hours after. He starts to sing. Nathalie walks in and is shocked as she tells him he has the voice of an angel. Sebastian’s eyes would be on the videos of Blaine singing. His heart’s lifted from its heaviness and lightness ensured. He’s not so happy that he forgets the words, or so depressed that he can’t even bother to remember them – he’s just in that equilibrium when he’s invincible and can do anything.

When Nathalie makes accidentally makes Sebastian a peanut butter and apple sandwich, he doesn’t even notice as he looks down at his computer, eyes transfixed as Blaine sings with a voice so high that Sebastian’s flying. Sebastian turns around and sings Teenage Dreams, with a sudden burst to sing the very song he’s hearing right now. He feels elated, happy as his eyes stare at the one that’s so sex like a stick and sings like a dream. When Sebastian first lays eyes on Blaine, a million thoughts are racing into his mind as he takes Blaine’s hand pulls him inside the circle.

  Sebastian only notices that when Blaine’s eyes glitter towards him, he almost slips up and forgets the words. Nick takes over completely. Sebastian doesn’t care anymore. He’s not the boy that cannot sing that lies in the back of his Father’s car, spiteful, arrogant and angry as he skips dinner for the fifth time that week and weighs himself, smirking whenever he loses half a pound, not caring if he’s gained ten in theory as long as his Father can’t tell as he starves himself to his all-time low. That boy that can’t sing a note if he tried.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian curled up into a ball in his room, looking down at his feet. He took a deep breath as he talked to Blaine. He needed to let go of Blaine. Blaine was giving him too much emotion right now. If he ever wanted to let out another song again, he had to let go of Blaine. Would he truly throw away his entire future for a black-haired boy he would never get to see again for the coming ten years? Risk his Father throwing him out and hearing his Mother cry at night because of him?

  Instead of facing the issue, Sebastian ran.

  He ran and ran until he realised he had skipped dinner and breakfast and he was feeling an onset of dizziness. He placed his hand on the rock and then felt his heart racing, his blood hot in his veins. Before Sebastian knew it, he had blacked out. When he woke up, he realised it was all dark outside. He’d left just before lunch and now, it was dark, meaning he was passed out for hours. He stretched, placing his hand on his hipbones. Suddenly, he felt thirteen again, feeling their forming. He went to get a sugary Pepsi, along with a few bars of chocolate which he now hungrily nipped at as he stood in front of the pharmacy scale, giving his loose change to the machine and allowing it to spit out his height, which had risen only a bit to 6’2.5 and his weight that was just 175 what felt like days ago, but was months ago was now returning to him as 158.

  He laughed and then curled up the pharmacy receipt in his bag. It wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t like he was dying at that weight. He’d eaten his bars and drunken all of his Pepsi and even greedily went to his house to drink even more of it. His Mother was standing there, staring at him. He was glad because of his horrible newly built muscle from years of lacrosse, he needed at least forty pounds off him before it even looked like he was losing any weight, but a forty or so pound loss on him would shatter his BMI and land him in the underweight region anyway.

  “Sebastian?” Nathalie called out to him. “Where were you?”

  “I fainted.” Sebastian just shrugged his shoulder as if it was merely an everyday occurrence.

  “Sebastian,” Nathalie sighed and placed a hand on his forehead. “Have you been eating well?”

  Sebastian pointed to the Pepsi can in his hand and then drained it. He looked at his phone and realised Blaine had called him. He felt sick again, to the point of bolting up and throwing up the contents of his stomach sick, almost like he couldn’t handle the thought of Blaine and that meant all the stress of the world was coming to him. Suddenly, the sugar in his mouth was too much and he was empty again, slouched out over the bowl. The only thing he can do was drink the miniscule amount of suddenly too-sugary Pepsi and go get himself a cup of coffee, which he tried not to faint again when doing.

  When he drank the coffee, his mind was visibly clear as he thought about Blaine back. He had to let go. He just had to let go. These emotions – they were doing things to him, making him vulnerable, making him forget to sleep and eat and making him not care about anything as the pain just settled down in his stomach but for some reason, thinking of leaving Blaine was making him feel much sicker than just staying with him, knowing he’d have to leave, knowing he wouldn’t see him for another ten years at least, knowing that he can’t have sex with anyone for ten years, and he had to rely on petty emails from Blaine and Skype phone calls. It was killing him, thinking that if he wouldn’t be able to physically touch Blaine, he’d be giving Blaine a promise and hope that wasn’t fair to Blaine as he had sex with a thousand men and pretended that it was okay since Blaine wasn’t there.

  Sebastian didn’t trust himself. If he hurt Blaine, if he killed Blaine on the inside…it would be the worst, most disgusting thing he’d ever done in his life. Sebastian didn’t trust what he’d do in Blaine’s absence, what his mind would just say: what Blaine doesn’t know won’t kill him for ten years and then pretend everything was okay. He couldn’t live with it if he fucked it up and then won’t tell Blaine any of it when Blaine lived on the fallacy that their relationship was perfect.

I’m sorry. Sebastian typed to Blaine as he called him.

“Sebastian?” Blaine’s voice was soft.

  “I’m acting like a completely pretentious ass.”

  Blaine laughed. “Reminds you of when we first met, doesn’t it?”

  “Honey, look,” Sebastian took a deep breath. “It’s been fun and games,” – until it’s not, “and I’m kinda ready to let go, you know what I mean, babe? You were a fun ride, but that’s all you ever were.”

  “…are…are you breaking up with me? And did you just call me a ‘fun ride’?” There was a lot of fury rising up in Blaine’s mouth. “I…did things with you that I wouldn’t do with Kurt and you’re just throwing us away like we were nothing?”

  Sebastian’s heart was plunging deep in his chest. “I’m sorry, Blaine.”

  “No, you’re fucking not.” Blaine shut the phone and Sebastian felt his heart sink lower and lower until it made its place in his stomach. Go ahead, you fucking idiot. Cry. Cry for him, but when you get up, you’re gonna sing. Sebastian immediately threw himself on his bed, and cried so hard he was pretty sure he’d break into a thousand pieces.

  Him and Blaine were the most beautiful melody Sebastian ever made, and he had to end it tonight with a phone call, breaking up their year-long relationship in the span of six minutes and a heartbeat. On the other end of the line, Blaine placed his phone down, confused, dazed and horrified at what seemed like such an honest confession from Sebastian, Blaine pressed his head back down on his pillow.

  “Blaine! Time to go to sleep! Get off that fucking laptop!” he heard his Dad call.

  He shoved his laptop out of his bed, potentially breaking it, and then shut the lights to his room. He turned around and where he’d had his alarm clock, there was a note he’d clipped there a long time ago: You’re super-hot when you sleep.

  Blaine finally allowed himself to cry, and tomorrow, he’ll pick up his laptop and rewrite his statement all over again, which didn’t seem like it mattered anymore.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Sebastian’s failing his classes again,” his Mother was holding his report card.

  “The boy stopped going to school all together,” Nathalie heard Jean’s irritated voice say. Sebastian had locked his room and now, all Nathalie did was knock on the door just so that her son can drink and eat. He barely ever ate and drank most of the time. Sebastian’s main drinking was the scotch in his room, as he played his violin. Of course, now, he was so empty and numb; he can focus on every note. He’d never gotten them so perfectly. How an empty soul can make such beautiful music…he’ll never quite know.

  Sebastian stayed in his room, and didn’t really graduate to say the least. He got an invitation to graduation by a few of the Warblers, none of them being from Blaine. That killed him. He swore to himself that unless he got one from Blaine, he wouldn’t go. Just an hour before graduation, his Mother knocked on the door and told him that someone named Blaine dropped off something. Sebastian saw the graduation invitation, nodded and got ready in less than fifteen minutes. None of his clothes fit. He had to dig through old bags to find the clothes he wore when he starved himself relentlessly, and to his lack of shock, those fit quite well on him, black pants and a hoodie that fit him perfectly. That was painful to think about. Sebastian didn’t want to know how much he weighed, but enough to make his Father grumble, “Sebastian, not again” as Sebastian dashed outside. He felt sick. He was sick. He was starving. He wanted food. He didn’t care how much he ate honestly, but his mind was also transfixed on Blaine for a while. All he had was a case in his arm, and he ran as quickly as he could. He missed most of the ceremony but got to the part where they were announcing the graduates.

  After a line of people, Sebastian heard “Anderson, Blaine – majoring in Medicine in Oxford University”. Sebastian smiled and took his picture from where he stood. Blaine was smiling weakly, but didn’t hold the same amount of glee he usually did. When Blaine was done, Sebastian waited for him outside. Blaine was talking animatedly to Nick when he bumped into Sebastian.

  “I’m sorry,” Blaine was horrified when he looked at Sebastian. “Are…are you new here? Are you lost?”

Sebastian looked at the full-length mirror that was just behind him. His cheeks were starved even more, his hair unkempt, his eyes vacant, his lips chapped and his body so small that he couldn’t recognise himself either. Sebastian smiled at Blaine and just shrugged his shoulders.

  “Are you an anorexic?” Jeff finally quipped as Sebastian laughed.

  “No,” Sebastian glared at him, disguising his voice slightly. He didn’t want to ruin Blaine’s big day with his actual presence, even if he did send him the invitation. “I just don’t eat when I’m upset.” “Awee,” Jeff hugged him as tightly as he could. “I eat when I’m upset! And so does Blaine! Blaine doesn’t gain fat weight though because he exercises a lot and goes to boxing classes so all the weight gains goes to his muscles! Hey, Blaine, you can bench-press our friend!”

  “You play?” Blaine said, looking at the violin.

  Sebastian nodded his head. “Do you want to hear?”

  Blaine nodded his head as Sebastian started to play for a bit. He got lost in the tune. He wasn’t in much pain anymore. He had a mindless, empty existence. The Blaine in front of him was not his, and the thought of having something so beautiful and loving something so brilliant had disappeared from his mind. Blaine’s eyes widened. “That’s amazing. How long have you been playing for?”

  “Since I was nine,” Sebastian smiled weakly. “My Mother wants me to be a violinist and my Father wanted me to play an instrument.”

  “You look like someone I know,” Blaine said, looking at Sebastian.

  “Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas,” David sarcastically said. “They have the same figure.”

  “Blaine!” Kurt ran up to him, hugging him as tightly as ever before. Blaine looked back at the boy before them. “Um…is he new?” Kurt curled up his lower lip in his mouth.

  Sebastian nodded, as his heart filled with heaviness. “Kurt.” He said after a moment, and then shook the real Kurt’s hand.

  “Odd. My name is Kurt. I didn’t think it was a very common name.” Kurt finally stated. “Well, then, nice to meet you, Kurt?”

  “You should listen to him play.” Sebastian smiled weakly, but then shook his head. “I want to leave now.” He can’t play even if he wanted to. He went back home, saw his Mother prepared one of his favourite meals, had five bites, and then took his drink upstairs with him, making her sigh. “Sebastian! Don’t let me take you to an eating disorder clinic!”

  “I don’t care about my weight, Mother. The only ‘symptom’ I have of an eating disorder is the fact that food isn’t something I want to eat right now for lack of enjoyment of anything in my life.” Sebastian said. He didn’t care about his weight. There was no set calorie limit and any time he threw up – which he had been doing a lot lately – was because he had a weak stomach, not because he was deliberately doing it himself. He just wanted to lie down and think of Blaine all the time, so he did. He let himself think of Blaine, but the next day, he swore he wouldn’t. He woke up, with the thought of going to the Lima Bean.

  He ordered a fattening mocha drink thing and didn’t even care. Joseph was holding a muffin for him. “You need more than a muffin then, Sebastian.”

  “You recognised me.”

  “By the snide remark you gave to the cashier about her hair.” Joseph finally explained, and then stared at him. “You broke my son’s heart.”

  Sebastian chuckled. “I know,” his voice was full of pain though. “Ten years. Ten years on a medical programme. How can he trust me for that long?”

  Joseph shrugged. “Blaine can be a trusting person sometimes.”

  Sebastian sighed. “I don’t trust myself for that long. I’d break his heart, so better not allow ten years of love and fake promises before it breaks. Now, Blaine can handle it. Ten more years? Probably will never. It’ll devastate him. It’ll kill him.”

  “Of course, so that’s why you’re killing yourself.” Sebastian winced slightly as he looked down at the muffin in his hand. “Blaine really liked you, tried to convince me you’re a good guy and all, and you are.”

  “I can’t play around Blaine anymore. Or sing.”

  Joseph raised an eyebrow.

“I just physically can’t because of I was too depressed, I couldn’t focus on the notes. If I was too happy, I couldn’t focus on the notes or the song or the lyrics, or anything. It’s like…”

  Like you lost yourself.

  Sebastian shut his eyes and Joseph stared back at him. “You alright?”

  Sebastian slowly nodded his head, even though his heart was clenching in his chest and he couldn’t speak. He ate the rest of his muffin and drained a fourth of his coffee. “Good talking to you, Mr Anderson.”

  Just as Sebastian was about to leave, Joseph said, “If he calls, I’ll let you know.”

  Sebastian nodded. “Thank you,” his voice was soft.

  --

  104.2.

  That was what his damned scale told him. Except he was just about 6’2.5 and this was practically not what he was supposed to weigh unless he was on a suicide mission. He just couldn’t physically do anything. He hadn’t showered in three weeks. He didn’t care enough to. It was a struggle to drag himself to do anything. His violin was there, but he felt like he had no purpose without the music. He can’t listen to a song because music had become a nuisance. He called Blaine. When Blaine didn’t answer and it went straight to voicemail, Sebastian smiled.

  “Blaine…” his voice was low and he broke into tears. He had never felt so vulnerable and stupid in his life, as he laid his phone back down, shutting it down and wanting to break it.

“Sebastian, get out of there! I haven’t seen your face in weeks!” Jean snapped.

  “You don’t want to!” Sebastian snapped back. “I’m not taking a fucking shower for anyone! I’m not eating for anyone! I’m not sleeping for anyone!”

  “What do you do in that fucking room then…?”

  Sebastian chuckled. “Nothing.” He realised just how insane that sounded but then shrugged. “I don’t do anything. I just lay down here and think of Blaine all of my damn time.”

  “…what a moron.”

  Sebastian sighed, took a shower, got himself an ice-cold Pepsi and drank it. He tried to eat as much as he could of his Mother’s meal, but he got physically sick just at half of it and had to lie down. He can play beautifully and perfectly. Everyone loved hearing him, but there was always the chance of him collapsing when he stood to play, or sing. He got a few people to allow him to play in weddings and orchestras. It was good entertainment. When he had a night he had to play in, that was when he usually showered, ate, bathed and slept properly so he didn’t look like personified Hell.

  Nathalie kissed his forehead. “There you go. Smile and you’ll feel better.”    

  Sebastian put on his fakest smile. Guess who didn’t feel any better?

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian’s weight was steady after he hit ninety-five and he was glad. If he lost any more weight, he was sure he was dead. Nobody wanted to fuck him anyway. They all thought they’d break him if they thrust into him. Sebastian laughed to himself joylessly. On a visit to London, Sebastian debated whether or not to call Blaine whose was doing his amazing degree.

  Nathalie sighed. “Dear God, Sebastian, it’s been nine and a half years.”

Another half of a year and Blaine would be done. Nathalie took him here to make Sebastian ‘get help’. How nicely put. Sebastian stepped inside of his therapist’s office and then lied down on a chair. He heard the door crack open and was almost knocked down by Blaine’s beautiful voice. “I’m sorry I’m not qualified yet. I’m a student but…” Blaine stopped. He looked even more  beautiful when Sebastian last saw him. “Kurt? From graduation?”

  “You remember a random stranger from nine years back?” Sebastian smirked at him.

  “You got even thinner. Much thinner.” Blaine unsteadied himself. “You look really, really sick.”

Sebastian shrugged. “ Blaine.”

  “That voice…” Blaine stopped as he slid down beside him, tears into his eyes. Sebastian pulled his arms around and Blaine pulled himself into them as he sobbed. “Sebastian.”

  Blaine stared back at him. “What happened to you?”

  “I reduced myself,” Sebastian shrugged. “To about ninety-five.”

  “Pounds?” Blaine said, aghast as Sebastian nodded his head numbly. “Why?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Why bother with food?”

  “How about living? Staying alive?” Blaine quipped in that too-high authority-filled voice that was something he’d gotten from Kurt.

  “I eat for pleasure. If I can’t find pleasure in what I eat, why bother eating at all? I sleep so I can rest, not so I can wake up feeling ten thousand times more tired, so why bother sleeping unless absolutely necessary?” Sebastian said, as Blaine pulled his head in his hands.

  “Did you ever love me?”

  Sebastian laughed. “Blaine, you’re the only one that I’ve ever loved.”

“Why lie?” Blaine said, looking down at his feet.

  “Because do you honestly trust me to be on my own for ten years without holding you, or sleeping with you or kissing you or seeing you—?”

  “Did you?” Sebastian’s eyes suddenly filled with realisation. “No,” his voice was soft as Blaine laid his head on Sebastian’s chest.

  “You’re an idiot.” Sebastian held him back as tightly as he could. They stared at each other for a moment as Blaine pulled his lips towards Sebastian’s, sealing it all with a kiss. “Your Father told you,” Sebastian snorted and Blaine slowly nodded his head, as he gave him another kiss.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  They stayed like that for a year later.

    Blaine was looking down and placing a hand on Sebastian’s stomach. “Do you love doing this?” Sebastian hissed as Blaine nodded. “Great God. It’s like I got back together with you so you can feed me five servings of lasagne a day.”

“You like my cooking.” Blaine pestered as he poked at Sebastian’s stomach. “You’re still really thin.”

  “We can’t all gain ten pounds in a day, Blaine,” Sebastian said and then shrugged. “I suppose it’s all the activities we do in bed.” Blaine kissed Sebastian as he laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder. Sebastian pulled away and then gave him a periodically soft smile. “I have to leave soon again. My Mother wants me back and I have a wedding in Canada to play in.”

  “Can you?”

  Sebastian nodded his head.

  Blaine laid his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. “What if the next time we see each other is ten years from now and I’m just a mess?”

  “Then we’ll love each other and it’ll all be okay again, you whore,” Sebastian muttered and Blaine laughed as he yawned.

  A day before Sebastian had to leave; they had sex near the fire. Sebastian recognised the tone of every song on the radio. They shared a kiss in the airport.

  That would be the last time Blaine will physically see Sebastian in his life.

  He didn’t really mind. Blaine waited intently in the mail and found a tape in the mail. He smiled and then pulled the cassette. He played the tape and Sebastian’s violin filled the room like an unforgotten gravenimage that Blaine will take to his grave.

  Maybe years later, Joseph Anderson might check the tape and realise it wasn’t real music. He would play it backwards, and realise that through the midst of Sebastian playing, he could hear the soft whisper of:

  Blainey, like we lost ourselves.Blaine Anderson had been staring at the selection of pastries and desserts assorted in front of him. Just before he can try to narrow down his choices, a middle-aged man with a bit of grey on the back of what used to be luscious black hair, a good substandard amount of pudge around his belly, and stubby fingers had been holding a brown paper bag in one hand and an order of a latte in the other.

  Blaine chuckled before taking them both from the man’s hands.

  “You can’t gain an ounce if you keep drinking that black stuff,” the man finally stated, as Blaine just shrugged, taking a sip from the warm, sweet calorie-infested coffee, as he looked back at the good-humoured male. “Where’s your friend?”

  Blaine’s cheeks coloured in slightly, as he just shrugged. “He’s shopping.”

  “Ah,” the male shook his head. “He’s been coming around with you a lot. Kurt, right?”

  Blaine curled his lower lip inward as he nodded his head, taking another much needed sip to break the rather quelling silence. The male walked from behind the counter, and everyone around him parted to let the owner of the local coffee shop suddenly move towards what they saw was just a simple dark-haired child. Blaine sat down beside the nearest vacant chair and had opened up the brown paper bag, pulling out a muffin.

  “Do you know many calories are in this?” his nose wrinkled in distaste.

  “Like you need to worry about ‘em,” the male placed his elbows on the table, as Blaine placed the muffin on the brown paper bag like it was a plate, taking another sip of the latte.  “Can you guess?”

  “Steamed milk, espresso, vanilla and caramel syrup, three sugars, and a bit of honey,” Blaine called out the contents of the latte perfectly, as he picked up the muffin, which he turned around his hand. It wasn’t on the bakery selection like usual. Probably rarely ever there. He sniffed it, despite the fact that people might be staring at him. “Coffee, cinnamon,” he picked off a bit of the muffin and it came off quickly in his hands. “Moist.”

  “That all?” he raised his eyebrow.

  “No, wait, there’s something,” Blaine placed the muffin back down, looking at it from every angle.

  “Should I tell ya?” Blaine finally nodded his head as the man picked off a part of the muffin, to show something white embedded. “Vanilla, and white chocolate chips.” He placed it into Blaine’s hand, whom just chuckled softly as he placed the bite of muffin in his mouth before chewing.

  The man leaned back as a brunette walked towards them. The man was staring at the brunette’s clothing – the brunette was wearing tight black pants, over a large grey sweater that actually wasn’t so large that it was swallowing him but big enough that it covered him perfectly. The grey sweater had a good amount of buttons creating towards his collar and was decked in white and black feathers designing the sweater so it wasn’t plain at all. Underneath the sweater, he was wearing a white shirt.

  The brunette sat down with his order that was signed by Felicity – damn, he knew her handwriting anywhere as he sat down beside Blaine. “I’m going to leave soon but I saw you with…um…” the brunette extended his hand to shake the man’s hand. The man chuckled and then shook the brunette’s hand.

  “Suppose you deserve a bit of an explanation?” he muttered. “Name’s Joseph. I’m Blaine’s Father, Kurt Hummel.”

  Kurt nodded his head and looked back at Blaine, whom just explained. “My Dad owns this place,” and with that knowledge, Kurt blushed. All of their coffee dates, fights off with Sebastian and every single thing they’d said to each other – Joseph probably heard them too, which was why he knew who he was just by seeing him.

  “Non-fat mocha that is,” Joseph stared at the coffee cup in Kurt’s hands.

  Kurt slowly nodded his head, blushing even harder than before. Kurt looked at Blaine for a moment, slightly fidgety around him due to his Father’s presence.

  “Wha?” Joseph muttered, looking at him. “You can talk to him, you know. I won’t ban you from him or something. There ain’t nothing I haven’t heard.”

  That did nothing to the slightly fidgety Kurt, as he nodded his head. “I just am not quite well around company as I was before.” Kurt shook his hand again and looked Blaine for a moment, wondering something before extending his hand up to Blaine.

“Come on. He’s not some random stranger you just met. He’s your boyfriend, right?” the man explained and Kurt nodded, before Kurt relaxed slightly. “Kiss ‘im goodbye. Give him a slap up the butt if you want.”

  Blaine chuckled at his Father’s words. Kurt looked at Blaine’s eyes, completely transfixed by him now, as he laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder and gave him a kiss. Blaine relaxed into Kurt’s kiss and Kurt left after a curt jerk of his head towards Blaine.

  Blaine chuckled again as he sat down and ate the muffin, drinking the rest of his coffee.  Joseph’s eyes were full of bemusement. They sat there for a while, as Blaine finished the last drop of latte. Before Blaine can nod to his Father to leave, he bumped into another figure. Blaine stepped back, seeing Sebastian standing there, steadying a textbook in one hand and a coffee in the other.

  Blaine’s eyes hardened. “Sebastian.”

  Sebastian just stared at Blaine, shaking his head. “Your adorable little boyfriend is a blushing virgin around your Father,” Sebastian noted.

  “You…?” Blaine raised an eyebrow, as Sebastian continued to speak, cutting him off.

  “Oh, please, Blaine,” Sebastian rolled his eyes, but then his eyes were brimming with delight. “It’s cute how he kissed you.”

  Joseph stood up right now, eyes full of hardness, but Sebastian placed a hand up in the air, as if to halt him. Joseph raised an eyebrow, in some sort of inquiry, as Sebastian turned to look at Blaine. Sebastian placed a hand on Blaine’s hip and one on Blaine’s shoulder as he pressed his lips against Blaine’s own. A look of complete shook plastered against Joseph’s face. The kiss was deep. Blaine melted and Sebastian found the need to wrap his arms around Blaine’s waist.

  Sebastian slapped Blaine’s ass on his way out, and Blaine was stunned.

  “You alright, Blainey?” Joseph said, moving towards his shell-shocked son as Blaine nodded his head, still somewhat stunned by what Sebastian had done. Joseph had told him to follow him outside, as he saw Kurt moving towards them again, waving a hand towards him. Joseph smiled and Blaine was just about to go when he was pulled back by strong hands. Joseph turned around and to his hatred found himself pushed back down by a blonde that can bench press him for a living.

  Kurt was taken by two men, each one of them looked like they weighed three times more than Kurt did, and most of it was fat probably.

  “Let go of my son,” Joseph hissed as the blonde laughed, punching Blaine in the stomach.

  “Let. Go. Of. Him.” A more definite voice sounded out. The blonde turned around to meet with Sebastian’s face. The blonde collapsed into laughter, as Sebastian pulled out a coffee cup, running his finger across the lid. “This is yours. And my Father works with the police. They can get blood samples and everything…Garret. What kind of name is that? Was your Mother high when she named you?”

  “Don’t talk about my Mother like that.”  Humour whipped off the blonde’s face as he signalled for the others to follow him. Sebastian looked at Blaine. Blaine immediately tensed as he looked back from Sebastian to Kurt. Sebastian can tell Kurt everything right then, that his ‘perfect boyfriend’ kissed him, even if it was a lie.

  Sebastian just walked right off, prompting Blaine to text him. Why didn’t you tell Kurt about the kiss? It was reckless.

  Sebastian answered immediately afterwards. Playing games now, aren’t we, Blainey?

  Blaine rolled his eyes at the response as Kurt walked over to him and made sure he was okay. Joseph made a crack about Blaine being addicted to his phone like every other teenager.

  “I’m going home for dinner,” Kurt explained and then stared at Blaine intently. “Do you want to come too?” he asked, voice soft.

  Blaine shook his head. “No,” was his simple answer. He smiled anyway and hugged Kurt as tightly as ever. Kurt didn’t expect it but hugged him back. Blaine stared at Kurt just after they broke away. “You’re amazing.”

  Kurt’s eyes glittered in that beautiful way. “And you’re the single most interesting kid in all of Ohio.”

  The statement emitted a small smile from Blaine as he looked down and then back at him. Their eyes just locked for that moment before Kurt left, taking the great deal of awkwardness with him. It was somewhat adorable Kurt was so awkward around his Father.

  Joseph called his chauffeur over to take him home. Just as Blaine got into the front seat, Javier looked at him and then laughed. Javier’s eyes filled with glee. “That is the face of love, isn’t it?” Javier cupped his cheek. “Beautiful, young love.”

  Blaine chuckled nervously. It wasn’t the first time he’d gotten into the car after an encounter with Kurt. The only different thing he’d done today was be kissed by Sebastian. He cringed. Blaine himself had gotten into the kiss, almost lost in it. Now, as an afterthought, Sebastian tasted a lot like fish. Blaine blushed. What the epitome of all romance novels. Fish.

  You taste like fish; now all humour was back into Blaine’s face. How romantic of you.

  I had salmon for lunch, with wild rice and hot chocolate.

  That sounds so good! Blaine was full-on grinning right now and then caught himself in the rear-view mirror, before he faltered. He’d never looked so thrilled before, not even around Kurt. The smile disappeared, but then, unaware, it reappeared as Sebastian answered: I kiss you. You have a boyfriend. Most people would start cussing at me, but you choose to explain to me that my kiss tastes like fish.

  It escaped Blaine’s mind for a moment, at the realisation – he felt like the most downright filthy putrid thing in the world, but at the same time, he felt light – like he was floating on glass. Sebastian, when you think, do you think in English?

  Sebastian didn’t even ask him why he asked him such a question. I think in French. Do you think in rainbows, Blaine?

  A small smile pressed against his lips, even though it was weak, as an uncomfortable curdle pressed against his stomach. This was the boy that slushied him, that kissed him in front of his Father and then slapped his ass after – he shouldn’t be exchanging secret texts with him. Maybe I do. Maybe not. What did you think when you first saw me?

  Est-ce que tu crois au coup de foudre au premier regard ou est-ce que je dois repasser? Blaine shook his head at this, translating it in his mind. Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?  Blaine then asked: how do I taste like?

When Blaine got a response, he placed his phone back into his pocket and didn’t ever mention the kiss to Sebastian ever again.

Inside Blaine’s pocket, the screen still flashed: like you lost yourself.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Blaine made Javier take him to an address and said he’ll be back in mere minutes. Blaine knocked on the door, once, twice, three times, and then Kurt immediately opened the door. “Blaine, dinner’s finished and Mom and Dad are upstairs but I—”

  Blaine cut him off, as he pushed Kurt up against the wall and then kissed him. Kurt responded, as Blaine placed a hand on Kurt’s hip, and the other one at the small of Kurt’s neck. Kurt tasted like casserole, tuna – Carole always knew how to make good casserole. And pineapple. His lip balm. Kurt’s lips were far soft and delicate. Blaine pulled back and then reached in to kiss him again. A few minutes in, the multitude of kisses that Kurt watched Blaine pull away.

  Kurt placed a hand on Blaine’s cheek. “Shh…”

  Blaine didn’t realise that there were tears pooling into his eyes until the first tear fell from his cheek. Blaine shook his head. “I can’t let you see me like this,” and then left without another sound.

  When he stepped inside of the car, Javier gave him tissues and Blaine blew his nose. Javier took him for drives around the park and didn’t even say anything. When Blaine saw Sebastian walking in the street with his hands into a coat that he didn’t recall him ever wearing, Blaine let out a strangled sob and brought the tissue closer.

  Blaine finally got his phone up to see Kurt had texted him. Are you okay?

  Blaine blinked a few moments. How do I taste like?

  Why?

  Blaine tried to make up something. I’m just wondering. You tasted like casserole and pineapple.

  Kurt then wrote: what a lovely combination. Blaine can almost hear the sarcasm in Kurt’s voice. Nearly a second later within reading that, Kurt had sent him another message: you taste like a chai latte. You always do. You’re addicted to these things.

  Blaine let out an awkward chuckle, and then saw himself in the rear-view mirror. He looked troubled, frenzied. He stewed his phone away again and then asked Javier to take him home. Blaine’s mind drifted…like you lost yourself.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Sebastian Smythe.”

  “Blaine Anderson.”

  “Oh, I know who you are.”

  “Are you a freshman?”

  “Do I look like a freshman?”

  Blaine turned to his side, took out his phone, and smiled as he heard the seas rolling by outside the window of his Father’s beach house. No, you don’t look like a freshman, he typed into his Touch as he heard the sound of tides sloshing outside. Tides at the night, a recipe for insomnia. You look lonely.

  What are you looking at? Sebastian finally replied.

  Blaine jerked his head forward to look at a full-length mirror. A mirror.

  Sexy, was Sebastian’s immediate response. You’re not wearing any clothes, are you?

  Blaine blushed as he curled up into his blanket. Not in particular. Are you fantasising about me naked?

  When am I not?

  Blaine chuckled under his breath. You treat me like I’m a hot piece of ass sometimes.

  Well, yours is adorable and cute. How can you blame a Warbler for staring? Blaine felt flattered, but somewhat trudging into dangerous territory as Blaine typed in: What are you looking at?

  A boy I hooked up with tonight.

  Blaine felt disturbed, but then it hit him – Sebastian was fully honest with him. …can I see him?

  Sebastian sent him a picture and Blaine cringed. The boy’s entire body, head to toe, naked, muscled, with a seven or eight inch cock from what he can deduce from what he saw, eyes that were wide and beautifully blue. His shoulders were defined. All of him was defined. He was pale, and his blonde hair was in front of his eyes. Apparently, he knew the picture was taken but he didn’t really care. He’s awfully hot, isn’t it? Sebastian had typed.

  Blaine typed back as quickly as he could.

  …do you want to see me?

  Blaine curled his tongue in his mouth. He wasn’t thinking straight, and there was white-hot jealousy in him as he took a picture with his phone, even though it didn’t capture all of him like he wanted it too. Blaine sent it to Sebastian and Sebastian quickly replied: you can’t sleep, can you? Your eyes are bloodshot. You’re not thinking straight.

  What if I don’t want to? Blaine felt reckless, the kind of reckless he always felt with Sebastian, with giving him his phone number, but with Kurt, it was all control and stop signs.

  You’ll regret this tomorrow. Blaine was regretting it right now.

  I know. Blaine typed back.

  Sebastian finally responded: you’re hot, you know that? You have this really nice looking birthmark on your shoulder, and another one just under your ribs, it’s fucking hot.

  Blaine blushed. What’s the first thing you noticed?

  Sebastian typed back as quickly as possible. Your eyes. They’re so big and innocent, which just makes the fact that you’re naked a plus.  Aren’t you afraid I’m gonna tell Hummel?

  Blaine bit down his lower lip. I’m going to tell him.

  Blaine typed back a message to Kurt just then: call me when you can, okay? He didn’t expect to have Incoming Call: Kurt Hummel only a few moments later, as Blaine slid open his phone, suddenly feeling shamefully dirty as he took a deep breath. “Kurt,” he called him.

  “Blaine?” Kurt didn’t sound sleepy at all.

“Are you okay, Kurt? You’re not asleep.”

“Well, I had a too large of nap this afternoon,” Kurt grunted and then said. “Blaine, honey, why did you call?”

  Blaine bit down his lower lip, which was trembling. “Kurt, I just sent a naked picture of myself to Sebastian. I…I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.”

  “You did…what?”

  Blaine then added on. “Why are you so awkward around my Dad, Kurt?”

  Kurt was sighing on the other end of the line. “Because…” he stopped right then, as if he was thinking about it too. “I don’t think we should see each other anymore, Blaine.”

  “You don’t love me,” Blaine said it as a fact after realisation.

  “Blaine, I love you, just…”

  “…is it enough?”

  Kurt shut the phone and Blaine got his answer. A few minutes in, Sebastian had asked him: how did he take it?

  We broke up.

  Blaine waited for Sebastian to drop a sexual line about how they were meant to be anyway: I’m sorry you’re hurt, Blaine. Blaine was actually shocked by how accurate that statement must be, because he definitely wasn’t sorry they broke up, just that Blaine was hurt at the result of it.

  How hurt do I think I am?

  Sebastian finally responded. Not enough for a first love. Do you honestly think I’d try to hit on you and get you if I was sure Hummel wasn’t going to leave you, Blaine?

Blaine just responded. Yes.

  Sebastian didn’t answer after that.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian drove the blonde home promptly after the end of their encounter. They had another round of sex, and then Sebastian called it a night. He took him back home and then he got another text from Blaine: meet me in the Lima Bean now.

  It was nearly four am. Too early for coffee, wasn’t it? He found Blaine wearing a coat, and then raised his eyebrow, before nodding towards Blaine, allowing him to sit with him on the front. The car ride was silent as Blaine said he wanted to go to Sebastian’s home.

“What does your Father know?”

  “Nothing,” Blaine said after a moment, and his voice was soft.

  When they arrived to his house, Sebastian took him upstairs. “It’s really empty,” Blaine said after a while.

  “My parents are on a business trip,” Sebastian retorted in a nearly icy manner and Blaine nodded his head. They walked up to Sebastian’s room, where Blaine picked up a pillow and laughed.

  “It’s really soft.” Blaine got on top of his bedside and he pressed his head onto the pillow. Blaine looked up at Sebastian and took off his coat. Sebastian looked at the naked Blaine before him, but couldn’t say he wasn’t as aroused as Hell. Sebastian took Blaine’s face into his own hands.

  “Why did you send me that picture?”

  “I was jealous.” Blaine said. Being this close to Blaine made him smell the scotch on his breath. “I was really jealous.”

  “You’re reckless.”

  Blaine laughed. Of course, it was hilarious. Sebastian, that went to Scandals to get laid, calling the calm and collected Blaine Anderson reckless. Sebastian saw Blaine pull himself to Sebastian’s lap and then kiss him. Sebastian kissed him back for a moment before pushing Blaine backwards towards his bed, and then covering him with the duvet. Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s cheek. “Sleep. You’re drunker than I am in Christmas.”

  Blaine looked away from Sebastian. “Why doesn’t anyone want me?”

  It took all of Sebastian’s energy to steady his breath and then say, “Sleep, Blaine.”

  Blaine fell asleep only moments after and Sebastian’s first instinct was to place a few articles of clothing that he had from when he was shorter. He got the shortest shirt on him, a pair of boxers, socks and his favourite pair of loafers and placed it beside Blaine’s bed. Sebastian kissed his fingers and placed them on Blaine’s cheek.

  When Blaine woke up, there was a medium drip from the Lima Bean on the stand. Blaine smiled as he picked up the coffee, draining at least a fourth of it quickly, only to notice that there was a small note on the stand. You’re super-hot when you sleep.

  Blaine chuckled and then placed the note on the front of Sebastian’s trousers. Even though they must be one of his old ones, they were still too long to fit Blaine so he had to staple the ends of his pants in. The hoodie was large and swallowed him up. The biggest thought running into his mind was: I’m wearing Sebastian’s underwear. Simple thought, but it made Blaine blush thinking of wearing anyone’s underwear at that moment.

  When Sebastian walked into the room later that day, he discovered that Blaine was gone, along with his clothes and his coffee was drunk. He smiled to himself, as he went to fix up the pillow before he heard his phone ring. He picked up his phone and accepted the call. “Why didn’t you sleep with me?” Blaine finally said.

  “People say hello,” Sebastian greeted him before saying. “You were drunk. I didn’t want to make your pretentious love life even worse.”

  Blaine seemed to pause and consider this. “You knew you wanted me…romantically…from the first moment you saw me right? When I was with Kurt, you told me that it didn’t bother you if it didn’t bother me, so how can anyone trust to be in a relationship with you?”

  “I only said that because I don’t even deserve to be with you, much less be your one and only—“Sebastian stopped at that moment. “I have to go, Blaine.” He shut the phone without a response.

  All Blaine can think of was at the other end, as he passed by his Father was that Sebastian didn’t think he was good enough for him. He lay down on the couch. His Father wasn’t home yet, but when he was, he’d want an explanation.

  Sebastian heard his phone buzz, and he answered after a moment of contemplation: thank you.

  Blaine got a text a few moments after: you’re beautiful. Blaine didn’t even know why tears were pooling into his eyes, as he smiled down.

  Javier was passing by him when Blaine heard “beautiful, young love.”

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  The weather was cold up, but there was a fire lit. Blaine watched as Sebastian turned around, fiddling with the buttons of his coat, and then lying beside him naked. “I thought I’d show you mine,” Sebastian finally said, as Blaine looked down at Sebastian’s form. Blaine took off his shirt, following his pants and boxers. Both of them naked, but it was so odd for Blaine to realise Sebastian wasn’t going to have sex with him, as Sebastian laid a hand onto Blaine’s shoulder.

  Blaine pressed his head against Sebastian’s shoulder. “You have bony shoulder blades.”

  “Do they bother you? I can gain weight. I happen to enjoy food.” Sebastian said after a moment, making Blaine laugh.

  “No,” Blaine said after a moment. “I have a bottle of scotch if you want.”

  “I want, but I can’t trust you with alcohol. Especially when we’re both naked. I don’t think I want to survive another day where I have to reject you.”

  Blaine pulled the bottle from the couch they were leaning back on and Blaine opened the lid. “Who said I wanted you to reject me this time?”

  Sebastian pulled two glasses and they shared the bottle together.  It was the morning, cold, and the fire was the only thing that kept them warm before the fiery bitter alcohol ran down their throats.

  In three years of having sex, this was the first time he’d even worn a condom.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Just as Sebastian was calling out orders, he’d seen Blaine’s silhouette walk in, so he’d called out Blaine’s order to the cashier as well. After their drinks were prepared, he gave Blaine his drink and Blaine smiled at him. There was no bashfulness. It was almost as if when Blaine’s virginity was taken away from him, he had found all the confidence in his body, which Sebastian would admit to be hotter than the bashful schoolboy thing.

  “The university I want to go to just opened up admissions.” Blaine chirped. “I’m doing psychiatry! Six years for my undergraduate, and then two more years for my post-graduate to specialise and doing another two years to get my Masters.”

  Sebastian found himself grinning towards him. “I suppose my family has a new appointed psychiatrist.”

  Blaine nodded his head.

  “Is this what you really want to do?” Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s wrist, as Blaine nodded. “Where is it?”

  “In London,” Blaine bit his lower lip. “The universities and colleges are really competitive and if I want to apply, I have to do it soon because the chairs get full really fast.”

  Sebastian nodded his head again and then squeezed Blaine’s hand. “Oxford or Cambridge?”

“How do you—?” Blaine shook his head. “Oxford.”

  Sebastian smiled back at him. “Then do it, Blainey. We can do things when you’re in that uniform in ten years,” there was no resentment in his voice as he laid his hand onto Blaine’s.

  Blaine shook his head as they kissed quickly, and Blaine left to start on his application. Just then, Joseph Anderson walked by. Joseph had never approved of Sebastian and Blaine being together and that prompted Sebastian to icily say, “I’m not leaving him.”

  Joseph gave him a muffin. Sebastian took that into his hands, as he looked down.

  “You’re losing weight.”

  Sebastian nodded his head. “I knew he was going to apply into that God forsaken university. I knew it.” He said the last bit with a trembling lip. Tears filled his eyes as his hands shook. “Fuck him. Fuck Oxford and his dreams.”

  “Except not, you’re letting him go.”

  “If I said the words ‘don’t go’, he fucking won’t.” Sebastian said after a moment, taking a deep breath. “And what kind of living is that? It’ll bite him in the ass. If we ever get married, he’ll start screaming it at me and if we ever adopt, the kids will just hear it over and over again ‘Sebastian, you made me give up on my dreams’. What kind of life is that if I didn’t let Blaine go?”

  Sebastian shook his head. “He’s hot. Some London bastards might go after him.”

  Joseph smiled at him. “What are you doing after you graduate?”

  “I’m not graduating.” Sebastian said gruffly. “I’m failing every class.”

  Joseph raised an eyebrow. “You’re a smart kid. Seen you help Blaine with stuff even I don’t know about.”

  “I know.”

  Joseph stared back curiously and asked, “Then why are you failing?”

  Sebastian laughed, took a bite out of the muffin and just as he was leaving, he finally said, “You never asked me if I was failing every damn class I have on purpose.”

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Regionals this year.” Thad chimed in as he pulled out his bottle of scotch. “None for Blaine or Jeff because your drinking tolerance is like my ninety-year-old grandma.”

  Blaine shook his head, laughing. McKinley was nothing without Blaine, or its lead faces. Kurt talked to Blaine sometimes too. Jeff took a sip of alcohol either way when Thad poured him a very small amount. Nick was sipping his cup slowly and they laughed around together. Sebastian was playing with the rim of his alcohol. Blaine sat down beside him and laid his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. Sebastian laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder, and kissed his forehead.

  “Your drink is full.” Blaine noted. “Why are you sad?”

  “I’m not,” Sebastian truthfully responded. I’m so motherfucking hurt that sad doesn’t even begin to cover it. “I’m thinking.”

  Finding truth in Sebastian’s tone of voice, Blaine relaxed. “Stop thinking.”

  “And be as reckless as you?” Sebastian teased him and Blaine laughed as Sebastian pressed his lips against Blaine’s. The Warblers weren’t completely up for the idea, but then again, Sebastian was the reason Blaine was in Dalton, even if Sebastian insisted he didn’t transfer for the sake of him, but Blaine said McKinley was boring and the only reason he even transferred there in the first place was because of Kurt.

  A day from now, Sebastian would be walking through the fire where they’d first had sex. Sebastian looked down at the fire; still burning brightly as long as he’d chose it too. He sat down, watching the flames die down. By the time his maid came back up to recreate the fire, Sebastian shook his head. “Leave it,” his voice was stern.

  “Of course, Master Sebastian,” she was just about to leave. “Is Master hungry today?”

  Sebastian shook his head. “Not in particular, Althea.”

  “I hope you sleep well tonight, Master Sebastian.” She shut the door of his room, as Sebastian picked up his phone and found Blaine asking him: I need to go take a passport the ‘British’ way and take the IELTS along with the SAT’s soon. The IELTS test centre want a recent photograph done in the British-ish way, with my ears showing and without me smiling.

  Sebastian smiled weakly: have to keep the hat I got you for your birthday at home then?

  I’m afraid so, Sebastian! He can almost see the smile on Blaine, making his own smile widen even more. Can you take me?

Of course I can, Blaine. I have a car, don’t I? The question is ‘may I’?

  You’re an ass.

  Sebastian’s smile dropped, even though it was a joke, as he then added on: what time then?

  Six am. I know you’re not awake until two pm on weekends, but pleaaaaaaaaaaase?

  Sebastian gave in. Only for you, Blaine. Only for you, Blainey.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Just as Sebastian was driving Blaine, Blaine was talking animatedly.

  “…I was thinking of doing my six year medical programme. The first year is a foundation year where I get to learn everything and then the next five years is basically all learning and shit. Then I’m going to another university, still in London to do my post-graduate since they say that those years count more.”

  Sebastian stopped the song that was playing on the radio.

  “—I was listening to that.”

  Sebastian didn’t look at Blaine. “It’s an annoying song and I hate it.”

  Blaine looked hurt. Sebastian didn’t realise why as he left abruptly without a goodbye when they got to the destination. Sebastian finally opened the radio and realised what song was playing as the tunes of Glad You Came filled the car. Sebastian suddenly cursed the world for telling Blaine that their song was annoying. Sebastian immediately got a text from Blaine: go home, Bas.

  Sebastian took a deep breath, shaking his head and then mumbled, “black-haired bitch”. Immediately afterwards, Sebastian bit down his lower lip, and drove as fast as he could to anywhere. He couldn’t believe he just called Blaine that, even if Blaine wasn’t presently there. His heart was hurting and his chest tightened. He needed to clear his head. He needed to stop thinking.

  He stopped in the middle of a street that was almost always empty because it lead to nowhere and just then, he broke into tears. Fuck it. He can’t even recognise music anymore.

  Like you lost yourself.

*-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian Smythe had been taking violin lessons since he was a small child. At first, it was a priority. His Father wanted his son to be able to play an instrument. Sebastian resented it growing up but his Mother made him fall in love with music. He can make beautiful music.

  “So beautiful! Inspiring! I wish your Father could’ve heard this,” his violin instructor would say as Sebastian dragged the bow across the strings professionally standing like he was taught to. Sometimes it didn’t matter if his neck felt strained. In time, he wouldn’t even feel the strain, or realise he’d been standing for hours on end, trying to perfect notes. To everyone else, they sounded perfect, but Sebastian can see all of the flaws.

  When his Father told him they were leaving Paris, his only rebellion was to play all the time. His Mother loved it and loved falling asleep to the soothing music. His Father hated that cursed object and his aunt tried various times to break it, but it never really broke.

  The antique violin stuck with Sebastian for years.

  Sebastian walked into his room, staring at the object of his affection – his small violin and then picked it up. It was light and familiar in his hands. He pulled it away. His Mother walked inside of the room. Nathalie was biting down her lower lip so bad that it was drawing blood. Not that he can tell with the shade of red her lipstick was.

  “Sebastian, don’t continue failing like this,” her voice was soft.

  Sebastian shook his head. If he just passed, any college would take him. Money was the answer to all of that. He could give them all they asked for, bribery, but he needed to at least past, even with the smallest decibel. “I do not want to pass anything.”

  “Why?” Nathalie whispered. “You are such an intelligent child.”

  “If I do, then Blaine will want me to go with him.” Sebastian shook his head. “I don’t want to leave anywhere. I want to sit here all my life.” “Is it a life then?”

Sebastian shrugged and then Nathalie pursed her lips together. “You can be a violinist. Anything, Sebastian, but not nothing…”

  “Fine.” Sebastian said.

“Promise?”

  Sebastian nodded his head. “Promise,” he said the last bit with pain in his voice. After that encounter, Sebastian realised that his Father didn’t really care about how much pain he was in as long as he had a purpose in life, no matter how meagre. Nathalie talked animatedly towards her new guests already, introducing Sebastian as the best violinist that they’d ever hear. They made Sebastian stand in the study, and he’d play notes for them, and sing along. His voice sounded bland, not as enthusiastic. He did a different version of Uptown Girl, and then this led him down to a trek of memories.

  His Mother and her friends were appeased with this. Bad, Smooth Criminal and Stand was after.

  He paused in the middle of Glad You Came, gave his smiles towards the audience and said he must be feeling sick, and then left to throw up the only meal he had eaten that day. Nathalie dropped beside him and ran her hand through his hair.

  “It’s alright, love,” she didn’t quite understand. “They still love you out there.”

Sebastian nodded his head numbly, and then stood up, before texting Blaine with nimble fingers sore from playing song after song: I’m sorry. I’m stressed.

  Blaine answered immediately after: what’s happening to us?

  Sebastian chuckled. I don’t know. He honestly responded.

  Next time, Sebastian had invited Blaine over to the Lima Bean. He sat alone for an hour before he decided to leave. Just then, Blaine was recognised by one of the blonde workers. “A boy named Sebastian Smythe asked me to give this to you if you ever come.”

  Blaine took the coffee cup from her and the muffin, cinnamon, chocolate and-

“Vanilla and white chocolate chip.” The muffin that his Father fed him when he looked like he lost five pounds. He might have lost more. He was so excited about future plans that he had probably forgotten to eat a few times.

  Blaine was just leaving when he noticed the medium drip had one note attached to it. Blaine took it, and his heart hurt him. I’m glad you came.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Talk to me, Blaine had just texted him.

  Sebastian rolled his phone in his hand, and placed his violin onto the bedside. His Mother walked in and stared at him with a soft smile on her face. “You should be intently practicing these past few weeks as just a week after your graduation—I’m having this get together and if you manage to impress them, then you will definitely get a job.”

  If not, then he was thoroughly fucked. Sebastian knew the latter.

  Sebastian called Blaine, and then leaned back down onto his bed. “Blaine?”

  “Sebastian,” his voice was soft. “Kurt called me today and told me he still had the promise ring I gave him.”

  “Oh?” there was no envy in his voice. Sebastian knew he was fucking lucky to even have Blaine, much less be jealous of some ring that Kurt had given him a year back when they were together.

  “I promised to love him and pick up his phone calls and bake him cookies at least twice and year and surprise him. I still do all of those things,” Blaine’s voice was full of nostalgia as he spoke to Sebastian. “Yesterday, I sent him this package of macadamia nut cookies, and I wrote ‘I love you’ onto them, and he called me and I picked him and we just started crying. I don’t…I don’t know why.”

  “You loved him enough, Blainey,” Sebastian said, his voice showed no resentment, no jealousy, just hurt. “He just couldn’t love you the same.”

  “I made a promise,” Blaine chuckled. “And my heart follows suit.”

  “Then let it, Blaine.” Sebastian said. “How do you feel about me?”

  “When we kissed before, you said I was losing myself. I was. In you. Now, when we kiss, it’s like we’re losing our senses. I don’t know. I don’t think…I don’t think we’re falling apart. I don’t feel it. I just…I remember Kurt sometimes. I don’t want anyone to be a foreign memory. I made promises to Kurt, and I’ll keep them as long as I live. I know myself, Sebastian.”

  “Yes,” Sebastian’s voice was slightly gruff now.

  “I promise you, Sebastian.”

  “What do you promise me?” Sebastian felt his throat tighten.

  “Hope. I’ll hope for you. I’ll be your hope when everything turns to black.”

  “I know,” he said after a while. “I know, Blaine.”

Sebastian can almost feel Blaine smile on the other line. “Remember when you lit that fire when we were cold and we did it for the first time and…?”

  “I love you.” Sebastian said, cutting him off. “I love you, Blaine.”

  Blaine didn’t say anything afterwards. Blaine cleared his throat. “Okay, Sebastian.” He said after a moment.

  “I’m in love with you,” Sebastian corrected. “I’m completely and utterly in love with you.”

  “I think I’m in love with you too.”

  Sebastian’s throat tightened. “That will always be enough for me, Blaine.”

  Sebastian heard Blaine sob on the other end of the line as Sebastian held on, hearing him cry as he soothed him with words of promise, memory and tranquil love stories they swapped together.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

The song they’d chosen was Glad You Came done with a mash-up of Stand. It was exactly the same as last year, but because this year, they weren’t expecting them to do the same song, the audience would be baffled. Blaine would lead the Stand part and Sebastian would do Glad You Came.

  “It’s ingenious,” Thad said after a while. “Completely ingenious. Nobody would expect it!” he was giddy and acted like a child.

  “Calm down, Thaddeus.” Nick muttered. “You don’t want to soil your pants like last time.”

  Thad blushed hard as Blaine laughed. “It was chocolate milk! And it was Jeff’s fault! He threw it on me, accidentally!”

  Over the clatter of laughter, there was Sebastian shying away. When they were up, the McKinley students were staring at him. Will Schuester was waving towards Blaine and Sebastian. Blaine can spot his Father. Sebastian can spot both his parents and his little sister, Audrey, whom was staring at them with transfixed eyes. They weren’t here last year, but Mother insisted it was ‘one of Sebastian’s last performances’.

  Blaine began with the Stand part of the song, sounding overexcited as they did Warbler shuffles and kept to a nice beat. Then Sebastian’s part came to sing, and he began perfectly, before his throat was tightening. Just at the end of the first verse, he knew he couldn’t go on. Compensating, Sebastian spun Nick to the beginning of the stage as if it was deliberately planned and they then began. For the rest of the songs, the Warblers broke tradition and spun each other around just to make it seem as if they were planning this the whole time.

  By just at the end of it, Sebastian ran off to the room and then tried to sing. It came out as a strangled yelp of what used to be, as he shut his eyes, fury surfacing.

                                                          “Sebastian! What the hell was that!?” David angrily inquired.

  “I like it—“Jeff was cut off by Blaine.

  “Just leave him alone,” Blaine whispered.

  “Oh, of course, defend your boyfriend.” David grunted. “You know, because of him, we’ve suffered too much. The cost was too much and the price was set too high—“

  “I can’t sing,” Sebastian angrily stated.

  “What do you mean you can’t fucking sing?” David said, clenching his fists together. “You—”

  Sebastian tried to sing the lines, but they all came out as screeching sounds, as Sebastian’s voice lowered with every single line. David’s eyes widened and Blaine’s eyes softened as he walked towards Sebastian. Sebastian looked back at Blaine. “Don’t follow me.” His voice was soft as he pecked Blaine’s cheek.

  Sebastian stepped out of the room, then out of the hallway. He intended on getting some fresh air, but then stopped in his tracks. “That wasn’t planned.” Sebastian froze at the sound, the sound of Jean Smythe’s voice. Sebastian shook his head.

  “No, it wasn’t. I can’t sing anymore.”

Jean laughed. “Of course, you can’t,” he said it as a statement. “Sebastian, you have a beautiful voice but when you have a thousand emotions running through your head, I realise you can’t sing as a child. Then as you grew more apathetic, your voice reached to pitches unimaginable. You weren’t taught to release emotion in voice or music, Sebastian. You know how to by screaming every goddamned second of the day—”

  Sebastian was staring down at his feet. “I think I lost Blaine.”

  Jean cocked his head to one side.

  Sebastian’s heart was hurting him. “I can’t sing. It’s almost like everything is weighing on me. When I’m at my happiest, I can’t sing. When I’m at my lowest, I can’t sing. I used to be okay with singing.” He realised the truth of those words as he tried to say a few lines, but all his brain can function on was the tightness in his chest and the drop in his stomach. He felt like shit, and he sounded like shit, and he’ll probably always sound like shit right now.

  That was okay, Sebastian told himself. That night, he went upstairs and ran up, getting his violin. It was all just fine and dandy.

�� His head was thinking of a thousand things, as he played note after note, and then gave up, throwing the violin on the bedside. He can’t focus on the notes. He can’t focus on making his voice come out as brilliantly as possible. He can’t focus on anything. He can’t even focus on sleeping or eating. He’d lost himself in a vast of what used to be him. Sebastian didn’t realise his fingers was shaking until he saw them and then he heard a strangled cry. He thought he was singing again but then realised he was just crying so hard he was sobbing his heart out. It made him cry even harder that that was how he sounded like when he sung, a man tortured; the screech of a bat. He sounded scary instead of beautiful.

Sebastian stared up into the mirror and didn’t even recognise the broken man that lay before him.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Beautiful. Extraordinary.”

  The violin instructor chimed as Sebastian grinned up at him. Sebastian ran downstairs, holding his violin that seemed like it was as big as he was, and holding a boy that was taller than he was as the young boy ran into the room to tell his Mother. He found her lying down at bed, with a strange man on top of her and pushing something inside of his Mother.

  Sebastian’s mouth dropped as his bow fell to the ground. That was enough to stop them. His Mother was pregnant again a few months again and Sebastian was sure it wasn’t his.

  Next time, Sebastian found his Father and asked him what they were doing. He heard Jean and Nathalie fighting and she hit him, and Sebastian hid behind one of the big violins in the study.

  His Mother tried to make it better, taking Sebastian into her arms. “We’re going to make dinner now and it’s going to be lovely.”

  She laid Sebastian on the counter. “Are you going to play for me?”

  Sebastian tried to play. Jean stood by the doorway. His heart hurt him so bad that he can’t focus on making the notes properly. He sounded horrible and his Mother faked a smile. “That was very beautiful,” she kissed his cheek.

  Sebastian’s stomach continued to drop. He tried to sing. He always had such a beautiful sound but now, it was coming out in strangles and screeches instead of proper musical tones with pitches and beautiful steadiness. Sebastian bit down his lower lip and tears fell down faster.

  Nathalie turned to Jean. “Look at what you’ve done? He’s so upset he can’t even sing or play.”

  She gave him a peanut butter and apple sounded. He ate it all up with zeal. The cinnamon threw him off, but then just as he got to the middle of it, he realised he was too empty. No amount of food would fill him up. Why even try? He placed one of the sounds on the plate.

  “Jean, Sebastian isn’t eating.”

  “That’s not too tragic. The boy is a hundred pounds overweight.”

  “Oh, please, you’re a hundred pounds overweight and your eyebrows look like Liberace.”

  “He’s not overweight. He’s plump.”

“He’s ten years old, four-foot-six and two hundred and four pounds.”

  A few years later, he realises he doesn’t need to feel anything. He grows up spiteful at first. At around thirteen, he’s five-foot-ten and weighs one hundred and four pounds. A hundred pounds less than he did before, exactly. He is a depressed plain child. He hasn’t seen his Mother in ages and he lives with his Father.

  Sebastian remembered cutting carrot sticks on his plate. He’s starving and he doesn’t give a damn about his weight. Actually, he didn’t use to think he was fat, just sick looking. His teachers that have seen him grow up before think that he needs help and has an eating disorder. Sebastian laughs. Like he gives a damn about his weight. He does all of this so his Father can take back a sentence that Sebastian still remembers three years ago. He fucking hates carrots. He doesn’t count calories and he’s pretty sure that whatever they are, his diet of lettuce, carrots, cucumber and celery sticks don’t have much of it. The only thing he splurges on is sugar and coffee, and that’s just to keep him going through the day. Sometimes, he does cave in and eat his macaroni and cheese, but not around his Father, and he always goes back to eating the same damn tedious things.

  Over the years, Sebastian’s only grown in height and lost weight. The worst of it is when he’s six feet tall and doesn’t weigh over ninety-eight and then his Father finally throws his fist towards the table and screams for him to eat something other than that goddamned lettuce. That’s all Sebastian needs to start eating. If he gains weight, then fuck it. He doesn’t care. He’s proved a point. By the time he’s fourteen, he’s gained sixty pounds in a year and doesn’t give a damn. He doesn’t gain any more weight. He’s 158 and doesn’t care if he gains another twenty pounds because he’ll still be in the healthy region. He grows two more inches in height, and still looks like a “stick” so his Father would say, except this time his Mother doesn’t want to break into tears every time she sees him. His ribs still visibly show except his hipbones aren’t so sharp that when Sebastian runs his hand down them at night, he swears he’s hit a knife.

  That’s also the year that Sebastian compensates starving for sex. He has sex, sex, sex, and nobody says anything – neither his parents do – because they believe that Sebastian’s still in shock considering he just realised his Mother’s a lying, cheating whore  so he’s only doing what she does. The first time he’s had a boyfriend he’s slept with his brother in a week and they broke up. Sebastian’s boyfriend threatened him with a knife two years later when he’d seen him and that’s the reason they move to Ohio.

  When he joins the Warblers, they tell him of this ungodly Blaine and then show him a video of him singing.

  When Sebastian hears him sing, he races back home and starts playing his violin two hours after. He starts to sing. Nathalie walks in and is shocked as she tells him he has the voice of an angel. Sebastian’s eyes would be on the videos of Blaine singing. His heart’s lifted from its heaviness and lightness ensured. He’s not so happy that he forgets the words, or so depressed that he can’t even bother to remember them – he’s just in that equilibrium when he’s invincible and can do anything.

When Nathalie makes accidentally makes Sebastian a peanut butter and apple sandwich, he doesn’t even notice as he looks down at his computer, eyes transfixed as Blaine sings with a voice so high that Sebastian’s flying. Sebastian turns around and sings Teenage Dreams, with a sudden burst to sing the very song he’s hearing right now. He feels elated, happy as his eyes stare at the one that’s so sex like a stick and sings like a dream. When Sebastian first lays eyes on Blaine, a million thoughts are racing into his mind as he takes Blaine’s hand pulls him inside the circle.

  Sebastian only notices that when Blaine’s eyes glitter towards him, he almost slips up and forgets the words. Nick takes over completely. Sebastian doesn’t care anymore. He’s not the boy that cannot sing that lies in the back of his Father’s car, spiteful, arrogant and angry as he skips dinner for the fifth time that week and weighs himself, smirking whenever he loses half a pound, not caring if he’s gained ten in theory as long as his Father can’t tell as he starves himself to his all-time low. That boy that can’t sing a note if he tried.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian curled up into a ball in his room, looking down at his feet. He took a deep breath as he talked to Blaine. He needed to let go of Blaine. Blaine was giving him too much emotion right now. If he ever wanted to let out another song again, he had to let go of Blaine. Would he truly throw away his entire future for a black-haired boy he would never get to see again for the coming ten years? Risk his Father throwing him out and hearing his Mother cry at night because of him?

  Instead of facing the issue, Sebastian ran.

  He ran and ran until he realised he had skipped dinner and breakfast and he was feeling an onset of dizziness. He placed his hand on the rock and then felt his heart racing, his blood hot in his veins. Before Sebastian knew it, he had blacked out. When he woke up, he realised it was all dark outside. He’d left just before lunch and now, it was dark, meaning he was passed out for hours. He stretched, placing his hand on his hipbones. Suddenly, he felt thirteen again, feeling their forming. He went to get a sugary Pepsi, along with a few bars of chocolate which he now hungrily nipped at as he stood in front of the pharmacy scale, giving his loose change to the machine and allowing it to spit out his height, which had risen only a bit to 6’2.5 and his weight that was just 175 what felt like days ago, but was months ago was now returning to him as 158.

  He laughed and then curled up the pharmacy receipt in his bag. It wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t like he was dying at that weight. He’d eaten his bars and drunken all of his Pepsi and even greedily went to his house to drink even more of it. His Mother was standing there, staring at him. He was glad because of his horrible newly built muscle from years of lacrosse, he needed at least forty pounds off him before it even looked like he was losing any weight, but a forty or so pound loss on him would shatter his BMI and land him in the underweight region anyway.

  “Sebastian?” Nathalie called out to him. “Where were you?”

  “I fainted.” Sebastian just shrugged his shoulder as if it was merely an everyday occurrence.

  “Sebastian,” Nathalie sighed and placed a hand on his forehead. “Have you been eating well?”

  Sebastian pointed to the Pepsi can in his hand and then drained it. He looked at his phone and realised Blaine had called him. He felt sick again, to the point of bolting up and throwing up the contents of his stomach sick, almost like he couldn’t handle the thought of Blaine and that meant all the stress of the world was coming to him. Suddenly, the sugar in his mouth was too much and he was empty again, slouched out over the bowl. The only thing he can do was drink the miniscule amount of suddenly too-sugary Pepsi and go get himself a cup of coffee, which he tried not to faint again when doing.

  When he drank the coffee, his mind was visibly clear as he thought about Blaine back. He had to let go. He just had to let go. These emotions – they were doing things to him, making him vulnerable, making him forget to sleep and eat and making him not care about anything as the pain just settled down in his stomach but for some reason, thinking of leaving Blaine was making him feel much sicker than just staying with him, knowing he’d have to leave, knowing he wouldn’t see him for another ten years at least, knowing that he can’t have sex with anyone for ten years, and he had to rely on petty emails from Blaine and Skype phone calls. It was killing him, thinking that if he wouldn’t be able to physically touch Blaine, he’d be giving Blaine a promise and hope that wasn’t fair to Blaine as he had sex with a thousand men and pretended that it was okay since Blaine wasn’t there.

  Sebastian didn’t trust himself. If he hurt Blaine, if he killed Blaine on the inside…it would be the worst, most disgusting thing he’d ever done in his life. Sebastian didn’t trust what he’d do in Blaine’s absence, what his mind would just say: what Blaine doesn’t know won’t kill him for ten years and then pretend everything was okay. He couldn’t live with it if he fucked it up and then won’t tell Blaine any of it when Blaine lived on the fallacy that their relationship was perfect.

I’m sorry. Sebastian typed to Blaine as he called him.

“Sebastian?” Blaine’s voice was soft.

  “I’m acting like a completely pretentious ass.”

  Blaine laughed. “Reminds you of when we first met, doesn’t it?”

  “Honey, look,” Sebastian took a deep breath. “It’s been fun and games,” – until it’s not, “and I’m kinda ready to let go, you know what I mean, babe? You were a fun ride, but that’s all you ever were.”

  “…are…are you breaking up with me? And did you just call me a ‘fun ride’?” There was a lot of fury rising up in Blaine’s mouth. “I…did things with you that I wouldn’t do with Kurt and you’re just throwing us away like we were nothing?”

  Sebastian’s heart was plunging deep in his chest. “I’m sorry, Blaine.”

  “No, you’re fucking not.” Blaine shut the phone and Sebastian felt his heart sink lower and lower until it made its place in his stomach. Go ahead, you fucking idiot. Cry. Cry for him, but when you get up, you’re gonna sing. Sebastian immediately threw himself on his bed, and cried so hard he was pretty sure he’d break into a thousand pieces.

  Him and Blaine were the most beautiful melody Sebastian ever made, and he had to end it tonight with a phone call, breaking up their year-long relationship in the span of six minutes and a heartbeat. On the other end of the line, Blaine placed his phone down, confused, dazed and horrified at what seemed like such an honest confession from Sebastian, Blaine pressed his head back down on his pillow.

  “Blaine! Time to go to sleep! Get off that fucking laptop!” he heard his Dad call.

  He shoved his laptop out of his bed, potentially breaking it, and then shut the lights to his room. He turned around and where he’d had his alarm clock, there was a note he’d clipped there a long time ago: You’re super-hot when you sleep.

  Blaine finally allowed himself to cry, and tomorrow, he’ll pick up his laptop and rewrite his statement all over again, which didn’t seem like it mattered anymore.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  “Sebastian’s failing his classes again,” his Mother was holding his report card.

  “The boy stopped going to school all together,” Nathalie heard Jean’s irritated voice say. Sebastian had locked his room and now, all Nathalie did was knock on the door just so that her son can drink and eat. He barely ever ate and drank most of the time. Sebastian’s main drinking was the scotch in his room, as he played his violin. Of course, now, he was so empty and numb; he can focus on every note. He’d never gotten them so perfectly. How an empty soul can make such beautiful music…he’ll never quite know.

  Sebastian stayed in his room, and didn’t really graduate to say the least. He got an invitation to graduation by a few of the Warblers, none of them being from Blaine. That killed him. He swore to himself that unless he got one from Blaine, he wouldn’t go. Just an hour before graduation, his Mother knocked on the door and told him that someone named Blaine dropped off something. Sebastian saw the graduation invitation, nodded and got ready in less than fifteen minutes. None of his clothes fit. He had to dig through old bags to find the clothes he wore when he starved himself relentlessly, and to his lack of shock, those fit quite well on him, black pants and a hoodie that fit him perfectly. That was painful to think about. Sebastian didn’t want to know how much he weighed, but enough to make his Father grumble, “Sebastian, not again” as Sebastian dashed outside. He felt sick. He was sick. He was starving. He wanted food. He didn’t care how much he ate honestly, but his mind was also transfixed on Blaine for a while. All he had was a case in his arm, and he ran as quickly as he could. He missed most of the ceremony but got to the part where they were announcing the graduates.

  After a line of people, Sebastian heard “Anderson, Blaine – majoring in Medicine in Oxford University”. Sebastian smiled and took his picture from where he stood. Blaine was smiling weakly, but didn’t hold the same amount of glee he usually did. When Blaine was done, Sebastian waited for him outside. Blaine was talking animatedly to Nick when he bumped into Sebastian.

  “I’m sorry,” Blaine was horrified when he looked at Sebastian. “Are…are you new here? Are you lost?”

Sebastian looked at the full-length mirror that was just behind him. His cheeks were starved even more, his hair unkempt, his eyes vacant, his lips chapped and his body so small that he couldn’t recognise himself either. Sebastian smiled at Blaine and just shrugged his shoulders.

  “Are you an anorexic?” Jeff finally quipped as Sebastian laughed.

  “No,” Sebastian glared at him, disguising his voice slightly. He didn’t want to ruin Blaine’s big day with his actual presence, even if he did send him the invitation. “I just don’t eat when I’m upset.” “Awee,” Jeff hugged him as tightly as he could. “I eat when I’m upset! And so does Blaine! Blaine doesn’t gain fat weight though because he exercises a lot and goes to boxing classes so all the weight gains goes to his muscles! Hey, Blaine, you can bench-press our friend!”

  “You play?” Blaine said, looking at the violin.

  Sebastian nodded his head. “Do you want to hear?”

  Blaine nodded his head as Sebastian started to play for a bit. He got lost in the tune. He wasn’t in much pain anymore. He had a mindless, empty existence. The Blaine in front of him was not his, and the thought of having something so beautiful and loving something so brilliant had disappeared from his mind. Blaine’s eyes widened. “That’s amazing. How long have you been playing for?”

  “Since I was nine,” Sebastian smiled weakly. “My Mother wants me to be a violinist and my Father wanted me to play an instrument.”

  “You look like someone I know,” Blaine said, looking at Sebastian.

  “Jack from the Nightmare Before Christmas,” David sarcastically said. “They have the same figure.”

  “Blaine!” Kurt ran up to him, hugging him as tightly as ever before. Blaine looked back at the boy before them. “Um…is he new?” Kurt curled up his lower lip in his mouth.

  Sebastian nodded, as his heart filled with heaviness. “Kurt.” He said after a moment, and then shook the real Kurt’s hand.

  “Odd. My name is Kurt. I didn’t think it was a very common name.” Kurt finally stated. “Well, then, nice to meet you, Kurt?”

  “You should listen to him play.” Sebastian smiled weakly, but then shook his head. “I want to leave now.” He can’t play even if he wanted to. He went back home, saw his Mother prepared one of his favourite meals, had five bites, and then took his drink upstairs with him, making her sigh. “Sebastian! Don’t let me take you to an eating disorder clinic!”

  “I don’t care about my weight, Mother. The only ‘symptom’ I have of an eating disorder is the fact that food isn’t something I want to eat right now for lack of enjoyment of anything in my life.” Sebastian said. He didn’t care about his weight. There was no set calorie limit and any time he threw up – which he had been doing a lot lately – was because he had a weak stomach, not because he was deliberately doing it himself. He just wanted to lie down and think of Blaine all the time, so he did. He let himself think of Blaine, but the next day, he swore he wouldn’t. He woke up, with the thought of going to the Lima Bean.

  He ordered a fattening mocha drink thing and didn’t even care. Joseph was holding a muffin for him. “You need more than a muffin then, Sebastian.”

  “You recognised me.”

  “By the snide remark you gave to the cashier about her hair.” Joseph finally explained, and then stared at him. “You broke my son’s heart.”

  Sebastian chuckled. “I know,” his voice was full of pain though. “Ten years. Ten years on a medical programme. How can he trust me for that long?”

  Joseph shrugged. “Blaine can be a trusting person sometimes.”

  Sebastian sighed. “I don’t trust myself for that long. I’d break his heart, so better not allow ten years of love and fake promises before it breaks. Now, Blaine can handle it. Ten more years? Probably will never. It’ll devastate him. It’ll kill him.”

  “Of course, so that’s why you’re killing yourself.” Sebastian winced slightly as he looked down at the muffin in his hand. “Blaine really liked you, tried to convince me you’re a good guy and all, and you are.”

  “I can’t play around Blaine anymore. Or sing.”

  Joseph raised an eyebrow.

“I just physically can’t because of I was too depressed, I couldn’t focus on the notes. If I was too happy, I couldn’t focus on the notes or the song or the lyrics, or anything. It’s like…”

  Like you lost yourself.

  Sebastian shut his eyes and Joseph stared back at him. “You alright?”

  Sebastian slowly nodded his head, even though his heart was clenching in his chest and he couldn’t speak. He ate the rest of his muffin and drained a fourth of his coffee. “Good talking to you, Mr Anderson.”

  Just as Sebastian was about to leave, Joseph said, “If he calls, I’ll let you know.”

  Sebastian nodded. “Thank you,” his voice was soft.

  --

  104.2.

  That was what his damned scale told him. Except he was just about 6’2.5 and this was practically not what he was supposed to weigh unless he was on a suicide mission. He just couldn’t physically do anything. He hadn’t showered in three weeks. He didn’t care enough to. It was a struggle to drag himself to do anything. His violin was there, but he felt like he had no purpose without the music. He can’t listen to a song because music had become a nuisance. He called Blaine. When Blaine didn’t answer and it went straight to voicemail, Sebastian smiled.

  “Blaine…” his voice was low and he broke into tears. He had never felt so vulnerable and stupid in his life, as he laid his phone back down, shutting it down and wanting to break it.

“Sebastian, get out of there! I haven’t seen your face in weeks!” Jean snapped.

  “You don’t want to!” Sebastian snapped back. “I’m not taking a fucking shower for anyone! I’m not eating for anyone! I’m not sleeping for anyone!”

  “What do you do in that fucking room then…?”

  Sebastian chuckled. “Nothing.” He realised just how insane that sounded but then shrugged. “I don’t do anything. I just lay down here and think of Blaine all of my damn time.”

  “…what a moron.”

  Sebastian sighed, took a shower, got himself an ice-cold Pepsi and drank it. He tried to eat as much as he could of his Mother’s meal, but he got physically sick just at half of it and had to lie down. He can play beautifully and perfectly. Everyone loved hearing him, but there was always the chance of him collapsing when he stood to play, or sing. He got a few people to allow him to play in weddings and orchestras. It was good entertainment. When he had a night he had to play in, that was when he usually showered, ate, bathed and slept properly so he didn’t look like personified Hell.

  Nathalie kissed his forehead. “There you go. Smile and you’ll feel better.”    

  Sebastian put on his fakest smile. Guess who didn’t feel any better?

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  Sebastian’s weight was steady after he hit ninety-five and he was glad. If he lost any more weight, he was sure he was dead. Nobody wanted to fuck him anyway. They all thought they’d break him if they thrust into him. Sebastian laughed to himself joylessly. On a visit to London, Sebastian debated whether or not to call Blaine whose was doing his amazing degree.

  Nathalie sighed. “Dear God, Sebastian, it’s been nine and a half years.”

Another half of a year and Blaine would be done. Nathalie took him here to make Sebastian ‘get help’. How nicely put. Sebastian stepped inside of his therapist’s office and then lied down on a chair. He heard the door crack open and was almost knocked down by Blaine’s beautiful voice. “I’m sorry I’m not qualified yet. I’m a student but…” Blaine stopped. He looked even more  beautiful when Sebastian last saw him. “Kurt? From graduation?”

  “You remember a random stranger from nine years back?” Sebastian smirked at him.

  “You got even thinner. Much thinner.” Blaine unsteadied himself. “You look really, really sick.”

Sebastian shrugged. “ Blaine.”

  “That voice…” Blaine stopped as he slid down beside him, tears into his eyes. Sebastian pulled his arms around and Blaine pulled himself into them as he sobbed. “Sebastian.”

  Blaine stared back at him. “What happened to you?”

  “I reduced myself,” Sebastian shrugged. “To about ninety-five.”

  “Pounds?” Blaine said, aghast as Sebastian nodded his head numbly. “Why?”

Sebastian shrugged. “Why bother with food?”

  “How about living? Staying alive?” Blaine quipped in that too-high authority-filled voice that was something he’d gotten from Kurt.

  “I eat for pleasure. If I can’t find pleasure in what I eat, why bother eating at all? I sleep so I can rest, not so I can wake up feeling ten thousand times more tired, so why bother sleeping unless absolutely necessary?” Sebastian said, as Blaine pulled his head in his hands.

  “Did you ever love me?”

  Sebastian laughed. “Blaine, you’re the only one that I’ve ever loved.”

“Why lie?” Blaine said, looking down at his feet.

  “Because do you honestly trust me to be on my own for ten years without holding you, or sleeping with you or kissing you or seeing you—?”

  “Did you?” Sebastian’s eyes suddenly filled with realisation. “No,” his voice was soft as Blaine laid his head on Sebastian’s chest.

  “You’re an idiot.” Sebastian held him back as tightly as he could. They stared at each other for a moment as Blaine pulled his lips towards Sebastian’s, sealing it all with a kiss. “Your Father told you,” Sebastian snorted and Blaine slowly nodded his head, as he gave him another kiss.

  *-gravenimage-*-seblaine-*-gravenimage-*

  They stayed like that for a year later.

    Blaine was looking down and placing a hand on Sebastian’s stomach. “Do you love doing this?” Sebastian hissed as Blaine nodded. “Great God. It’s like I got back together with you so you can feed me five servings of lasagne a day.”

“You like my cooking.” Blaine pestered as he poked at Sebastian’s stomach. “You’re still really thin.”

  “We can’t all gain ten pounds in a day, Blaine,” Sebastian said and then shrugged. “I suppose it’s all the activities we do in bed.” Blaine kissed Sebastian as he laid a hand on Blaine’s shoulder. Sebastian pulled away and then gave him a periodically soft smile. “I have to leave soon again. My Mother wants me back and I have a wedding in Canada to play in.”

  “Can you?”

  Sebastian nodded his head.

  Blaine laid his head on Sebastian’s shoulder. “What if the next time we see each other is ten years from now and I’m just a mess?”

  “Then we’ll love each other and it’ll all be okay again, you whore,” Sebastian muttered and Blaine laughed as he yawned.

  A day before Sebastian had to leave; they had sex near the fire. Sebastian recognised the tone of every song on the radio. They shared a kiss in the airport.

  That would be the last time Blaine will physically see Sebastian in his life.

  He didn’t really mind. Blaine waited intently in the mail and found a tape in the mail. He smiled and then pulled the cassette. He played the tape and Sebastian’s violin filled the room like an unforgotten gravenimage that Blaine will take to his grave.

  Maybe years later, Joseph Anderson might check the tape and realise it wasn’t real music. He would play it backwards, and realise that through the midst of Sebastian playing, he could hear the soft whisper of:

  Blainey, like we lost ourselves. 

[angsty-blaine-blog]

Sebastian angst.

Whole Again.

Word count: 8,000. One-shot. Complete.

WARNINGS: attempted noncon, (non graphic) noncon via date rape drugs, violence, lots of angst, stalking. Also this has some Klaine in it for those who hate them.  

Summary: Sebastian wakes from a night in scandals in their parking lot in the back of his car. He is aching and bruised, and without memory of what happened to him. Unfortunately, there is someone who is insistent that he not only remembers the night, but relives it. READ THE WARNINGS!

(I just want to say as a disclaimer, that I love Sebastian’s character. Anything here that sounds like accusations toward him are from his point of view at a time of self hatred and aren’t mine, I don’t want anyone to think I’m slipping in sneaky Sebastian bashing.) 

                                            Link here! 

I'm nervous about this so would love any feedback!

[dapper-blanderson]

Sebastian Smythe Week - Day 2: Sebastian's Past

Characters: Sebastian Smythe, the Smythe family, Remy-Pierre (OC), Dave Karofsky

Warning: Angst, abuse, bullying, attempted suicide

Summary: Sebastian came out when he was thirteen.

Sebastian came out when he was thirteen.

The first person he told was his older sister Aubrey. He cried his little heart out and she held him close, not caring about the tears seeping into her shirt. She whispered nonsense into his ear and rubbed his back and sung to him until he fell asleep.

He told Marquis and Roland and Juliett two day later, and Marquis cocked his head and said "That's it?" Roland just smiles and goes back to playing Halo, and Juliett slides an arms around his shoulders and squeezes him.

When he tells his mother, it's completely by accident. They were watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets, and suddenly he blurts out "I'm gay!" and when he realizes it, it's too late. But his mother smiles widely and says "I know mon Cheri, pass the popcorn please,". Sebastian sits there for a moment, in complete shock, but eventually snaps out of it and rests his head on her shoulder.

When he tells his father, Marshall gets up and leaves the house, slamming the door behind him.

"No son of mine is going to be a fag," he'd growled.

His parents were divorced by the end of November.

---

When Sebastian started high school, he immediately knew he wouldn't enjoy it. Being one of the shortest, scrawniest boys in his grade and his tendency to raise his hand a lot in class caused him to be labeled as a nerd.

All his friends ditched him after the first week.

It became so much worse after his sexual orientation was discovered. Insults and shoves and coming home with bruises on his back and on his shoulders and tears threatening to fall, but never falling from the creases of his eyes. He was a sad, miserable boy who wanted a way out.

He was diagnosed with depression and was on anti-depressants by early February.

---

Sebastian met Remy-Pierre during the summertime.

Sebastian had been walking to the candy shop a few blocks from his house when he saw the boy with sandy blonde hair chasing after falling leaflets that were flying in the wind. Sebastian decided to take pity on the boy and help him catch the escaping papers.

"Thank you," the boy said.

"No problem," Sebastian replied, taking in the boys features. He was really cute, with clear, tan skin with chocolate brown eyes, nice hair and a smile that made his heart stop. He was gorgeous.

The boy seemed to be observing him too, with an awestruck look on his face. He held out his hand in greeting. "I'm Sebastian."

The boy grinned and shook his hand. "Remy-Pierre.”

Sebastian might have found something good in his life.

---

Remy-Pierre, as it turned out, went to the same school as Sebastian. He was two years older (possibly the reason Sebastian had never seen him until now) and was the running back on the football team. He wasn't out because he was too afraid of what everyone would think, but Sebastian didn't care. He was in love and he just wanted to be with him.

Remy-Pierre wanted to be with him too. Sebastian had nearly sprung to the moon in elation when the other Parisian boy confessed his feelings and asked him out on a date. The date had been the best night of Sebastian's life and was when he knew he'd found his first love.

The two became boyfriends after their fourth date, when Sebastian mustered up the courage to ask him when they stopped at his house. Remy-Pierre grinned widely and kissed him chastely on the lips.

Yep. Sebastian was definitely in love.

---

They had been dating for four months.

Remy-Pierre's house was empty, and Sebastian was underneath him on the bed, their lips firmly attached to each other. They had made out quite a few times lately, and Sebastian loved doing it.

"Let's do it," Remy-Pierre says, kissing Sebastian's neck.

"What?" Sebastian asks.

"Let's do it. Let's have sex."

Sebastian was unsure of what to do. He wanted to say no, wanted to wait until he was truly ready to give up his virginity, to render himself in such a vulnerable state. But what if Remy-Pierre left him if he didn't put out? What if he lost the love of his life? He couldn't let that happen.

"Okay."

It wasn't until afterwards, when Sebastian is at home and in his bed, that he cries himself to sleep, because he truly wasn't ready.

---

They had been dating for eight months.

And in those months, Sebastian felt his life crumbling beneath his feet.

Remy-Pierre suddenly became demanding around him. They fought more. Remy-Pierre always pressured Sebastian for more sex. Every time they do it, Sebastian cries afterwards.

They were dating for five months when Remy-Pierre hit him for the first time.

Sebastian had looked up from the floor in shock, tears brimming his eyes. Remy-Pierre's eyes were full of rage, a coldness seeping through that Sebastian had never seen before. This wasn't the boy he loved.

And yet, he couldn't even fathom the idea of being apart from the boy. He loved him too much. So he stayed. He stayed and endured the fighting and the continued hitting and the occasional beating because he loved Remy-Pierre. He couldn't lose him.

One day, he enters his boyfriend's room to find him in bed with another guy. A guy he had never seen before. Sebastian runs out of the house and all the way home. He locks himself in the bathroom, vomiting and crying for the rest of the day. His mother and siblings give him worried looks, ask him if he's okay.

He says he's fine.

He tries to break up with Remy-Pierre the next day.

He gets a beating for it.

---

Ten months, and Sebastian has had enough. He can't take it anymore.

He had been off his medication for a week now, and the bad thoughts were back to floating around in his head. He had gotten into drinking, not enough to get drunk, but enough to feel a pleasant buzz, a numbness. He had even taken to ordering Courvoisier in his coffee. His life is void of happiness.

He makes sure the house is empty. He writes a note for his mother, Antonio, Aubrey and Roland and Juliett and Marquis, explaining why he was doing this. He explained everything that had happened in the past ten months. He also said that it wasn't their faults. He doesn't write one for Remy-Pierre, because at this point, he should know why Sebastian killed himself.

He sits on the bathroom floor, an empty bottle of pills next to him and blood seeps from the cuts on his forearms.

Right before he caves into the darkness, he hears his mother scream.

---

Weeks later, he sits on the edge of his bed at home, kicking his feet like a child.

Sebastian woke up in the hospital a few days after his attempt, his family at his side with tears in their eyes.

"I'm so sorry," he says to them.

"It's okay Bassie," Aubrey replies, taking his hand. "None of this was your fault."

Sebastian soon discovers that Remy-Pierre was arrested for domestic abuse and that Sebastian would have to testify against him. He vomits into a trash bin, Antonio rubbing his back.

"You don't have anything to worry about," his stepfather assures him. "He can't do anything to you anymore."

Sebastian attended the trial and told his story. How the two met, when the abuse started, the works. His stomach churned the entire time and when he is permitted to leave; he breaks down and cries into his knees in the car.

Remy-Pierre was found guilty, and Sebastian had never felt such relief.

Now he sits in his room, boxes stuffed full of his things, the walls of his rooms painfully bare, his bed stripped of its linens, his shelves empty.

Antonio and his mother had decided that a change of scenery would be best for all of them (mainly Sebastian). They were moving to Ohio, in the states. Sebastian really couldn't care less. He didn't feel much lately. No one could have predicted the drastic change in Sebastian's behavior. He was guarded, rude, snarky, but most of all, quiet. He barely spoke a word, and when he did, it was to bitch someone out or to tell them to stop babying him.

He was falling apart at the seams.

---

Ohio wasn't too bad. Sebastian could probably get used to it. They had a gay bar in West Lima called Scandals that wasn't too shabby, but the ones in Paris had been so much better. He joined the Glee Club at his new school, Dalton Academy. They were called the Warblers, an all-boys acapella group that was full of cute guys that Sebastian definitely had his eye on.

Months passed. He never really changed. He screwed everything up. He bullied, he blackmailed, he nearly blinded a guy that he admittedly had a tiny crush on, and he insulted a guy and possibly drove him into attempting suicide. And he truly hated himself more than he ever had.

Sebastian knocked lightly on the door to David Karofsky's hospital room, and a raspy come in was heard from the other side. He twisted the door knob slowly, and let himself into the room.

David sat on the bed, looking at him with faint recognition on his face. "You’re the guy from Scandals," he stated blankly.

Sebastian nodded meekly, placing the orchids he had bought on a whim on the table next to the door.

"Why are you here?"

Sebastian sat down in the chair, staring at his shoes. They were silent for about a minute, until Sebastian lifted his head and asked, "Was it my fault?"

David looked confused. "What do you mean?"

"Did you do what you did because of me?" Sebastian explained.

"Oh," David shook his head. "No. I was being tormented at school, and I couldn't take it. But what do you know? You probably don't know what it feels like."

Sebastian breathed in slowly, and reached into his satchel, retrieving a tiny orange bottle and handing it to the boy. David took it and slowly read the label.

Sebastian Tobias Smythe Rx: Prozac (Fluoxetine) Anti-depressant 20 mg Take 1-2 capsules daily or as needed.

"Oh," David muttered, eyes scanning the bottle full of tiny capsules.

"I'm going to tell you a story," he said, scooting closer to the bed. "It's a story about a boy, a boy who came out to his family. His father left him and his mother and siblings, basically dropped off the face of the earth. The boy had already been tormented at school for being short, skinny and for always knowing the answers in class. When they found out about him being gay, they only made it worse. The boy was soon diagnosed with depression, and his life was just falling apart. Then the boy met another boy, a boy that he fell in love with. They started dating, and at the four month mark, the boy was pressured into having sex when he wasn't ready. The boy cried himself to sleep every night, but he loved the boy too much to say anything. His boyfriend soon became aggressive and began to hit the boy. And one day the boy walked in on his boyfriend in bed with another boy. When the boy tried to break up with him, he was beaten. By the tenth month of their relationship, he crumbled. He sat on his bathroom floor and swallowed a bottle of pills and cut his arms up. His mother found him.

"His boyfriend was arrested and was found guilty of domestic abuse. The boy changed. His family had to watch as he became a boy who drank and went home with strangers for a quick fuck, and he did it because he felt like he didn't matter anymore. He hated himself, what he had become. To be loved was all he had ever wanted."

Sebastian desperately tried to fight the tears that were about to spill over, but failed. Hot tears trailed down his cheeks in tiny never ending rivers. David had tears in his eyes and was staring at Sebastian with a look of pure sadness. Sebastian unbuttoned the cuffs of his blazer and shirt and rolled up his sleeves to reveal the scars, evident like pure white veins that were carved across his skin. He held them out for David to see, and he looked him in the eyes.

"Never give up., ever. And promise me you'll never become the dickhead that torment and abuse caused me to become. Promise?"

David hesitantly brushed his thumb across Sebastian's forearm, gently tracing the scars. He looks up again, a single tear falling from his eye, a reassuring smile stretching across his face.

"I promise."

[rubythemonster-blog]

Ya know what we need to go along with 'Blangst'?

....

Sebangstian

[kuhummelarchive-blog]

klaine or kurtbastian. Darren Criss or Grant Gustin. Glee or QAF. The Hobbit or Harry Potter

omg

klaine (just)darrenqafharry potter