#selfish poptart eating

[lildrabbles]

Chapter 7: Family Meeting

2007! Raphael x Female! Reader

Summary: Despite Raph's protests, hes made to bring you back to the lair to meet his family.

A/N: HELLO EVERYONE IM SO SORRY I HAVNT BEEN UPDATING, since school started i just kinda lost motivation to write BUT IVE CAME BACK. I cant say for sure how long youll have to wait in the future, cuz i have a problem with writers block. Also, this is a lot longer than most of my chapters, so enjoy!! But let me know if you like the longer chapters or shorter ones <3

Raph didn't want his brothers to meet her. They would embarrass the hell outta him! 'What do I care...' he told himself, but deep down inside he couldn't stop the dread. He stared at the stove while he ate his Corn Pops aggressively.

"Dude, what did those Corn Pops do to you?" Mikey said, laughing as he poked raphs side.

Raph quickly grabbed his finger and twisted it, causing Mikey to yelp and beg for mercy. Raph scoffed and let go, going back to eating his Corn Pops. When he was finished he stood up, making his way over to the sink to wash his bowl and spoon.

"So are you going to call her?" Donnie asked as he grabbed a poptart from the cabinet.

"I'm gonna text her to meet me." Raph said, not looking at him as he dried the bowl.

Donnie chuckled. "If only Leo were here to meet your girlfriend."

Raph was about to threaten him, but the mention of his eldest brother stopped him. He glared down at the spoon he held, not saying anything.

"Uh... sorry about bringing that up." Donnie cringed in on himself.

Raph scoffed. "Dont be. It's not like he's comin back anytime soon." He said dryly.

Donnie sighed. After a couple moments, Mikey piped up. "Dude, suddenly it got like, really tense in here."

Raph rolled his eyes as he turned around and leaned against the counter. "Blame Donnie."

"I apologised!" Don protested.

Raph sighed before placing the bowl back up in the cabinet. “I’m goin to the dojo to work out.” Before turning around and walking away, not waiting for any reply.

He was finishing beating the crap out of his punching bag before he felt light headed. He exhaled and collapsed onto the bench, grimacing at the sharp pain in his wound. When Donnie mentioned Leo it got his blood to boil. God, even thinking about him made him pissed. Who was Leo to think he could just leave his family, his own flesh and blood, just because he “didn’t feel good enough”? 

Didn’t he fcking know that he was the best fighter out of them all?! He was truly selfish. And before he left, Raph may have started an argument, which yes he shouldn't have done, but then Leo started going on about how Raph was selfish and that only his own opinion mattered! Can you believe the audacity of that turtle?!

He grunted as he took a swig from his water bottle, grabbing the cloth beside him to wipe all of the sweat off his forehead. Raph glanced down at his phone, looking at the time. It was currently 4 pm. He wanted to wait a bit longer until it got dark to meet up with her, but decided to text her sooner so she had some notice. 

He texted her to meet him in an alleyway where he knew wasn't far from her apartment and had a sewer entrance so they could easily get in and out without getting noticed. He also made sure to mention to come alone.

When she didn't respond right away, Raph decided to do some sit ups. After a couple of those, he heard his phone vibrate on the bench. He sat up and grabbed it, and read Y/N's message.

Y/N: ok what time? My shifts already over so I'm not worried

He chuckled at how she didn't even question it. Silly girl.

Raph: How about in half an hour?

Y/N: Sounds good to me! See you then

Raph sighs, then stands up, stretching and drinking the last of his water. Time to go make sure she gets there safely.

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You didn't have to wait that long in the alleyway for him. You stood and looked around, double checking this was the right alleyway. Yep, it was.

Since it was a bit chilly, every time you let out a breath a little cloud formed.

Before you could even call out, you heard a soft thump behind you. You jumped slightly, spinning around. A small smile erupted on your face as you saw Raph emerge from the shadows.

"Hey, Raph." You look back towards the sidewalk to make sure no one would see you both.

"Hey." He smiled. "Okay, so uh… you probably wanna know why I brought you here right?"

"Right." You agreed.

"My family wants to meet you. Sensei mostly wants to meet you because he wants to know if he can trust you with our secret."

"O-oh!" Your eyes widen slightly. "So I get to meet your family?"

"Yeah. But…"

You frowned slightly. "What is it?"

You then gasped when Raph leaned towards you and in a flash, your vision was dark. You felt him tying a piece of fabric around your eyes. 

"Raph, don't you think you're taking this too fast? I'm not into this kinda thing." Despite the shock of him doing this, you couldn't help making a cheeky joke while you giggled.

Even though you couldn't see him, his eyes widened as a blush erupted from his face. He frowned. "I-its not fcking like that!!" You could hear in his that he was flustered, causing you to giggle more.

You felt strong arms pick you up, but you weren't that alarmed because you recognised they were Raph's. You heard him grumbling to himself.

 You clinged onto his neck despite his firm grip on you.

"I'm only doin this cuz we can't risk you knowin our location yet." Raph blushed and grimaced slightly as your arms wrapped around his neck.

"Oh… well I guess I can understand that."

You suddenly felt the wind rush around you both and you let out a little squeal, feeling a little nauseous. You heard Raph's feet thump on the ground softly, meaning he had jumped down somewhere.

The more he walked, a disgusting smell assaulted your nose. You scrunched up your nose. "Are we in the sewers?"

"Yeah." Raph laughed watching your reaction.

You nod slightly, nose still scrunched up. After a couple more moments of walking, you felt him stop and he placed you on your feet.

You heard some shuffling and then a crash, followed by an "oof!". 

"Am I allowed to take this off now..?" You asked, directed towards Raphael.

 He grunted in response which you took as a yes, so you slipped it off, only to be met with another turtle with an orange bandana in your face. You jumped a little, bumping backwards nto Raph.

"Mikey, what did I tell ya before I left?!" He scolded the orange banded turtle.

The turtle named Mikey threw his hands up. "Sorry bro! I just wanted to get a good look." He offered his hand to you. "I'm Mikey!"

You smiled sheepishly, shaking his hand. "I'm y/n."

Another turtle with a purple bandana appeared. He did the same thing as Mikey and offered his hand to you. "It's nice to meet you y/n, i'm Donatello but just call me Donnie or Don." He smiled.

You smiled back and shook his hand. "Nice to meet you as well."

You awkwardly stood there while you heard Raph huff behind you, crossing his arms beside you. Then, you saw a rat, just a bit shorter than the turtles. You assumed this is the Sensei Raph had talked about.

You bowed your head slightly to him. "And you must be Sensei Splinter." You smiled a little up at him. He smiled back and stood in front of you, taking your hand in his and held it for a moment.

"And you must be y/n. Thank you for helping my idiot son." He shot a quick glare towards Raph.

"Of course. I wouldn't call him an idiot though, after all he was just trying to protect--"

Raph suddenly cleared his voice loudly. "Okay, you met her, now what?"

"Dude we should all watch a movie together!!" Mikey exclaimed.

Before Raph could protest, everyone else agreed. But you were hesitant. "I would love to but I don't want to become a problem for you guys."

Raph stared down at you. "The hell do you-" he couldn't finish before getting smacked in the head by Splinter. He winced before re-phrasing. "What do you think you'll be a problem for?" He said gruffly.

You shrugged a little. "I-i don't know, I just don't want to invade your guys' personal life."

Donnie spoke up. "Don't worry about that, we would love to have you. We haven't had company like this in… well, we've never met new people really. Except for April and Casey, but we've known them forever"

You nodded, remembering Raph telling you about them. Then you smiled. "Ok, then. I'll stay."

Mikey cheered and ran towards the kitchen to gather snacks. 

After a bit of setting up the movie (that apparently Donnie pirated) and setting up all the snacks, you settled down onto the couch beside Raph. You smiled up at him softly, making his heart clench. But he didn't show it, just smirking a little and huffing, taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl in your lap.

You chuckled, offering everyone popcorn before the movie began. Then Donnie turned on the movie, and you let out a deep exhale, sinking into the old, tattered couch.

After about halfway through the movie, while everyone else was asleep, Splinter left to go meditate in his room. So it was only you and Raph awake now.

"Your family seems really nice," you whispered to him.

He scoffed quietly. "Yeah but my brother's can get hella annoying."

You giggle a little and lean in closer. "I'm sure you'll seem annoying after a while of knowing you too."

Raph playfully glared down at you. "Oh yeah? Ditto. Except you're already gettin on my nerves." He joked.

You held your chest where your heart is dramatically. "Ouch. My heart."

You both laugh quietly. You looked down, then shuffled closer to him so your thighs were touching, and wrapped your arms around yourself, getting a little chilly.

He tensed a little, trying to even his breathing. He noticed your eyes starting to droop. "You know you can fall asleep, right?" He said softly. What has gotten into him lately?

"Are you sure?" You looked up towards him. He nodded, then grabbed a blanket from behind the couch, throwing it on you. You giggled a little and got snuggled up in the blanket. You then gently rested your head on his shoulder before whispering, "Is this okay..?"

"Y-yeah…" He whispered back. You smiled and got comfy against him, before closing your eyes to go to sleep.

After a couple moments, he relaxed. He let out a soft exhale. The way you cuddled into his side made his heart skip a beat. Shut the hell up, Raph. She's just cold. And you can't be goin soft for anyone!! He scolded himself. But despite his protests in his head, he let himself fall asleep, managing to fall into a slumber way easier than he's ever had.

[xandcrstone]

MEET XANDER STONE!

Works at The Station as a sports reporter. Washed up hockey player. Loves spontaneous roadtrips, indulging in eating junk food during the middle of the night, and coming up with terrible puns.

HIS BIOGRAPHY!

Overall, he’s a good guy. Or at least, he tries to be. Inconsistent and impulsive, can get on the overbearing side at times, but he’s mostly pretty nice. He tries to be honest, also a bit oversensitive, but he really tries to love everyone with his whole heart. He’s always trying to make things better for people. He’s very stubborn, wants to make his family proud, and has really started making Merrock his home.

HIS PINTEREST!

HIS STATS!

BASICS

FULL NAME: alexander ‘xander’ david stone

NICKNAME: xander. and for your own safety, never call him anything other than that.

GENDER: cis man, he/him

DATE OF BIRTH: march 13, 1995

AGE: 27

HOMETOWN: grand forks, north dakota

OCCUPATION: weekend sports reporter for the station

RELIGION: n/a

ETHNICITY: white, korean

LOCATION: merrock, maine

HOUSING: lives in a shared house near the coast

RELATIONSHIPS

PARENTS

FATHER: jonathan stone

MOTHER: so-yeon stone

SIBLINGS

SISTER: jasmine stone

CHILDREN: n/a.

OTHER FAMILY: nari gim (cousin)

PETS: tba!

SEXUAL ORIENTATION: doesn’t like to label himself, feels too boxed in if he has to pick one, but he likes who he likes

ROMANTIC ORIENTATION: same as above

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: single

CURRENT PARTNER: none

PAST PARTNERS: tba!

PERSONALITY

POSITIVE TRAITS: agreeable, modest, entertaining, clever, sentimental, honest,   perceptive, faithful, brave,  dedicated, imaginative, witty,   trustworthy, humorous, amiable, innovative, adventurous, confident, relaxed, incisive, empathetic

NEGATIVE TRAITS: immature, disorganized, tactless, competitive, boyish, clumsy, conceited, impulsive, boisterous,   impatient, demanding, insecure, complacent, dependent, rowdy,  selfish, unappreciative, stubborn

THINK OF: nick miller (new girl), chandler bing (friends), jake peralta (b99), ryan bergara (watcher)

FAVORITE MOVIE: popstar: never stop never stopping

FAVORITE SONG: gravity by john mayer

FAVORITE EMOJI: 🤪

FAVORITE ANIMAL: bears

FAVORITE PERSON: his sister, jasmine

FAVORITE HOBBIES: taking the perfect selfie, curating a daily work out, screaming at the tv during a hockey game, continuing learning to speak korean, figuring out how to cook something other than ramen noodles, facetiming his family back in north dakota, covering sports in merrock

LIKES: sleeping in until noon, listening to music while driving, watching sports with a chicken wing in his hand, stormy nights, rice, the cold weather, being in photos, long meaningful talks, hugs, oragnes, poptarts, christmas, warm blankets, bad karaoke

DISLIKES: golf, licorice, uncooked vegetables, cleaning, the dark, being restricted, sitting around doing absolutely nothing, nightmares, antique dolls, locked doors, pollution

FUN FACTS ABOUT HIM

Calling him a momma’s boy would be an understatement. He’s a family guy in general and while he definitely doesn’t make a big show of it, say something unsavory about his family to his face and he will not jokingly threaten to destroy you. Considering how averse he is to serious confrontation with another person, that’s kind of a big thing.

He has a habit of getting surprisingly blunt or “real” with people from time to time? It’s all fun and games one minute, then Xander gets honest and while everyone else might kind of stop for a second because “what did you just say, Xander?” He soldiers on like nothing’s wrong because he either a) doesn’t even realize what he’s done or b) thinks it would be better not to draw too much attention to it.

He’s such a low-key know-it-all. On the outside, he’s looks like a giant himbo. But in reality, he may not make a big deal about something at first, but if things turn out the way he thought they would (and it wouldn’t be completely inappropriate to rub his victory in that person’s face), he’s definitely the guy that relishes getting to say the words ‘I told you so’.

When playing chubby bunny, he can fit up to nine of the regular sized marshmallows in his mouth at a time. He thinks it’s a real talent.

His favorite season is spring. Because it signifies renewal, a rebirth. It’s when the snow on the ground melts and flowers sprout in its place, it’s warm weather in place of the bitter cold and a time where he can cleanse himself of any discrepancies the rest of the year will bring him.

His guilty pleasure is Mcdonald’s. As being the main source of his diet, no one can ever try to tell him what the chicken nuggets are supposedly made out of and if they do, they can expect it to go through one ear and out the other. It’s his pick-me-up after a bad day and nine times out of ten - after an argument or whatever, you can get back on his good side with it.

Has a 2013 black Jeep Wrangler. Treats it as if a human being. Has named it and everything. Xander will never, ever let anyone drink in his car because if it spilled and stained the interior, he will blow a fuse.

He was actually born a month early, on March 13th. He claims it’s because he smelt bacon from inside the womb and wanted out to eat it. He’s immature, but he can’t help it.

Xander will yell at you for not texting back but then forget to text you for three days.

He is the KING of having fomo. He is always stalking Snapchat, Instagram, and Twitter to see if his friends are out without him. He is only slightly hurt when he sees duos out, but if he sees large groups he gets really upset.

PLOTTING FOR XANDER!

An approximate timeline for Xander!

TBD!

Xander may come off as a jock… well, he is a jock, let’s be honest here, sport is a huge chunk of his identity and it’s also the reason why he can’t stand still for too long. The boy has a lot of energy, it needs to go somewhere and what better way to use it than slamming into some people on the ice? He’s loud, blunt, occasionally rude, he doesn’t look for the attention on purpose but he draws it because of his demeanor.

Xander has never had a hard time befriending others. In school, he was a troublemaker and an athlete - a mix certain to get you popularity. But even now at twenty seven years old, he isn’t afraid to make himself look an ass to entertain others. He’s never been shy and can talk to just about anyone.

Xander is the kind guy who schmoozes his way in and out of every conversation, effortlessly gliding through social situations with confidence and style. His time on the ice has served him well, glowing in the spotlight but also having some grace to share it with nineteen other people. Most of his rivals were deliberately trying to see him fail. But he’s nothing if not a team player, as cliche as that is. He’s a natural leader and wants everyone to work together towards ultimate harmony. When you’re out partying, he’s the guy that takes charge and decides what bar you’re going to. He’s always been someone who has been pretty free-spirited and marches to the beat of his own drum. He has quite the charming and engaging personality, he practically can get anyone to do anything but he’s far from the manipulative type. Half of the time, he uses his charming ways to get his friends to let loose and be as carefree for a moment as he tends to be. However, he’s not someone who is too careless, he knows when to have fun and he knows when to take things seriously. Xander is someone who’s going to be loyal to his friends, he’s going to treat them like family and he’s going to be there for them, no matter what they’re going through and it doesn’t matter if he can relate or not.

He cares about the people he has in his life and is a genuine, sincere, sensitive dude. Always was the boy who left his heart on the ice after every game. He stands up for what he believes in and is an unadulterated good person at heart. Unfortunately, he tends to be so harmonious that he becomes influenced by others’ attitudes. If he’s around dicks, he’s going to act like a righteous, self-concerned asshole, if that’s what everyone else is doing. The insecurity of being young and impressionable, especially now with the spotlight shining a little brighter as he’s on TV, tends to make him want to meld into the people around him. The weakness of his knee and shoulder caused him to become more anxious and protective of his reputation and abilities, coupled with the feeling that his parents wanted him to fail so he could pursue a more “realistic” path. He knows what he’s good at and has a hefty dose of confidence and ambition in him, but he can come off condescending and arrogant in the same light. Ultimately, a true people-person who sees the good and wants to shed light on it, but sinks deeply into insecurity and fear if he feels vulnerable. But no matter how much he tries to put on a “hockey bro” aesthetic, he’s unabashedly a naive, soft-shelled guy who doesn’t know any better than to trust everyone means well.

Xander loves his family more than anything. Even if they get kind of annoyed with him for making stupid or reckless or unjust choices, he knows that they’ll always support him. He gets along with all of his siblings pretty swimmingly, but when they get into an argument with one another, he generally tries to be the peacemaker, though he’s not necessarily the best at it. 

As far as friends go, Xander is a great friend to have in your corner. Even though he’s not the most dependable, he’s very loyal and really does try his best to help his friends in their time of need. Plus, he’s good with his hands and good at fixing things. And he gives great hugs. He doesn’t care about how a person is as long as they have something to connect over. He also doesn’t need a lot of alcohol to do it. All of his energy and enthusiasm? 100% au naturale. He’s not much of a partier these days now that he’s working a full-time job. But he also likes to be in the company of people so if he’s invited to some type of party, he’ll probably go just for the socialization. Honestly, he just wants to do cute things like see movies and work out. Gym buddies are a must. 

Xander loves people. He could carry on a conversation with a brick wall so even those folks that won’t talk back, he’ll do enough talking for both of them. He’s a sensitive and kind man. The kind that’s loyal to a fault, and trusts until given a reason not to. He’s friendly, but private. And even though conversation can flow easily with Xander, getting to know him on a deeper level can be hard. He doesn’t really share his thoughts and feelings with anyone unless he’s perfectly comfortable. Though, he loves talking to new people and spending nights with the friends he already has. He might not always be on time but if they call needing him now and he’s not busy, he’s there.

Xander can be a bit of a pushover with people. He’ll give several chances before he knows he should cut someone out. Even then, it’s not for long. It is extremely difficult for him to really hate someone. Usually if people hate him for some reason but Xander tries to fix it. That doesn’t always work. One of his major downfalls is his honesty. Sometimes in telling the truth, he can be a little too blunt with people. He doesn’t believe in sugar coating things because it doesn’t help a person out at all. This has led to more fights more than he cares to admit and has led to plenty of rifts that he’s caused. Still, he’ll try to fix them but it doesn’t always work out that way.

Also, anyone who bashes his family is automatically an enemy. Furthermore, he doesn’t get along well with snobs. And he has no patience for people who continuously fuck their lives up. Sure, Xander has made some mistakes but he has always tried to fix them, or at least make them bearable. People who can’t do that really piss Xander.

As loyal as Xander is as a friend, and despite his aversion to confrontation, he’s probably not an enemy you’d want to have. If he’s ever gotten into a fight, nine times out of ten it’s because he’s standing up for someone he cares about. He’s prone to bouts of moodiness, and does have a bit of temper deep down, but mostly he’s very good at keeping that to himself.

When Xander was a teenager, he didn’t have a lot of time to date, with practices every morning and/or evening, and games every weekend, but the desire was there. Throughout high school, when relationships were plentiful and bound to blossom, he was preoccupied with his sport. He did his fair share of complaining that he didn’t get that same teenagehood that his friends did, but then again, most of them played too. Dating came second to the game, refining their craft and honing their skills was more important. Maybe not in their hearts, but in their heads, and for Xander his head ended up winning more often. It was almost cut-and-dry that he would put his potential career over a relationship; one was up to him, and one was completely up to chance. In his heart of hearts, he is a sensitive, emotional dude who feels deeply and knows the clock is running on the rest of his life that he’s neglected in lieu of furthering his career. If there’s one thing that might subdue his parents’ restlessness about him making no real “concrete” life decisions, it would be bringing home someone that actually stuck. If he could avoid heartbreak for life, ensure that a lover would never come between him and his goals, then it would be in the cards.

Since coming to Merrock, he has dated off and on. There’s been nobody serious, but I could see him dating someone for a couple months at max. He’s a little distracted by everything going on in his personal life, so he’s not completely focused on finding someone, but he’s also not opposed to it. He’s just not sure what he wants, and he’s still so young that he doesn’t feel like he needs to worry about what he wants quite yet.

Other than that, he needs people to flirt with and maybe a really good fwb that just hook up when they need stress relief? Who knows, I’m down for anything, really.

If you’ve read this and would still like to plot, please send me a message as I’m always down to start something up! The more, the merrier!

WANTED CONNECTIONS

FRIENDS - He would love to have a friend group! People who make him feel like he can be completely himself.

WORK OUT BUDDIES - Working out is something that Xander is really into, so I’d love to have a person or two he works out with regularly and they just shoot the shit while they do it, try and motivate each other, and cheer for each other when they get a new personal record in. Overall, he’s very much into sports, so anyone sporty or athletic he probably could have crossed paths with.

PET BUDDIES - Xander is looking to get a dog, so maybe he befriends some other pet owners? Or walkers. He’s looking to get a coonhound, because they’re an extension of speed and need all the time outside. Just like him.

SPORTS FANS - Since Xander lived in Boston for a bit, baseball became another sport he liked to watch. The Red Sox are his team. Give him some baseball fans to argue with, to rejoice with, to get into a fight with for some silly arbitrary reason. Also: fuck Boston College.

LINGERING FEELINGS - I’ve also had this idea of a friendship that fell apart because Xander fell in love with a guy and then didn’t know what it was, so he ended up being a complete ass about it. This character was the first guy to really bring him any sort of awareness to his sexuality, and Xander was figuring it all out as he came to terms with that. It wouldn’t have gotten anywhere but they might still be on ends because of it and it might be fun to play with, so hmu if you’re interested!

CHILDHOOD BEST FRIEND (preferably a female fc) -  You know those childhood best friends that parents comment how cute they’d be together? Yeah, that was this character and Xander when they were little kids. At first, they didn’t get a long considering they were set up by their mothers. However, over time they became close friends. Like family, even. This character moved away when they got to middle school, but they kept their steady long distance friendship, and he told her everything despite all of the difficulties they faced. It was when he was drafted in the NHL that caused a rift in their relationship. His calls were less and less, which left this character feeling like she wasn’t a priority anymore. I’m requesting her because of how interesting their dynamic would be to explore.

HIS LITTLE SISTER, JASMINE -  As mentioned, Xander here has a little sister that he’s pretty close to. He played his big brother role of helping by stepping in and help take care of her when he needed to. Without a doubt, he’s all about his sister, he loves her and is very protective of her and every single one of his family members. He’s been trying to get his sister to come out and join him in Merrock.

In all honesty, Xander’s open to quite a bit! He’ll have connections with anyone through Touchback since he worked there before quitting. Maybe some people who think he’s a little annoying and can’t mesh with his personality? I’m just spit balling with that. Feel free to throw something at me, I’m game to try anything!

[dreamerwriternstargazer]

—————————————————————

ED Diary Entry 2: February 3rd 2022

I tried to do a moodboard type thing for this post since this morning I wandered to my favourite bookstore after work to get a book I’d longed for since I first saw it. Yes it’s a horsey girl book, it’s been so long since I updated my horse-girl book collection or even read any of it so shush.

I also wanted to do it because my grandparents brought macaroons yesterday and of course I had to take a picture of them, they were so pretty, and well, it all just went so well together! I ate the macaroons of course, along with 3 meals yesterday ^_^ which is a massive amount of progress for me.

I also wanted to create the moodboard because today, today is quite special to me. Today marks one year exactly since the day I first admitted to ANYONE that I had an eating disorder, including myself. It’s the day I first opened up to my best friend, who was…amazing and brilliant and supportive and has been ever since, and I wanted to write this post dedicated to them. Until I spoke to them, I was managing, I was surviving, but I wasn’t letting myself focus on the problem, I wasn’t even letting myself see the problem, and I was slowly getting dragged under by it. I’d only just started my first ever job a year prior and the stress of it as well as school was weighing on me, workload increasing and study load increasing as well. Unfortunately the more I worked the less energy and motivation I had to take care of myself, and the less I ate, which fed into my exhaustion, mental and physical. By the time I’d met my friend I was down to a meal a day, sometimes less, essentially living off of black coffee and whatever sweet snacks I would crave. Most days I’d run on nothing but a Poptart and 2 cups of coffee, force down a couple of bites of dinner before I felt too tired and sick to eat. I knew I had a problem and I was trying to fight against it by not restricting my food choices, not restricting my desire for sugar, but I wasn’t pushing myself, and it was getting worse and worse as pressure kept piling on. So it was a real step when I admitted, this very day this time last year, that I had an eating disorder and struggled with mental health problems. It wasn’t a huge conversation, a brief mention and discussion, unlike how popular media may depict it it is not as simple as “have a breakdown and let everything pour out to trusted friend”, though that is one circumstance. It wasn’t explicit or deep or even massively emotionally charged, but it was the first step, the first of many conversations, the first of a friend who listened, the first hand held out to help, the first release of a darkly-clad hand clutching at my psyche as someone else was there to encourage me to shove it off. The first glimmer of trust, or one of the first, making up part of the beautiful rainbow mosaic that our friendship would grow to.

Talking to someone helped me because it helped me look at the problem, and because they were the first and only person to have ever received my words and taken care in accepting them and understanding them, in listening.

Talking helped because for the first time, my words did not fall on deaf ears, they didn’t fall on superficial minds who believed that the answer was to indulge my toxic compulsions because yeah make yourself look good, it’s great to lose weight! Nor did they fall on selfish hearts who made me guilty for my failings because it’s their fault, indulging in their grief and shoving aside mine, no, instead my words fell onto a kind heart, unfamiliar with the problem, who was used to trying to solve problems but did so in the best way; trying to understand it first, trying to understand me, trying to understand why. They weren’t perfect, no one is, on occasion jumping to problem solving, but correcting and listening as soon as I expressed my issues.

My best friend helped me feel braver and less alone, and honestly is the very reason I can talk about it openly, in relation to my struggles, talk about it personally. I used to think detachment is good and often discussed mental health detached from my own experiences, talk about it objectively from a logical basis, but I then thought upon that again recently. Why must detachment be necessary?

Well, because mental health as a topic is associated with vulnerability. But discussing personal illness doesn’t necessitate emotional vulnerability, and that’s something else I realised as our friendship grew and I trusted them more and more. I am not my illness, nor am I defined by it, which is something I knew but took a while to internalise, and internalise I am still doing.

Another question my choice to avoid personal discussion of mental health raised in my mind was, well, what’s so wrong with it being personal? As though something being personal devalues the discussion and argument surrounding mental health issues. Humans are at heart, storytellers, story lovers, we learn through and we live stories, to make a subject personal is to harness our capacity as storytellers to tell OUR story in relation to a subject. To make something personal is also to tap into human compassion; detachment will only get you so far, to understand means to process mentally and emotionally, even if you never experience the harm you can process the harm from a secondary view, as someone who loves and cares for someone else and doesn’t wish to see them sick, harmed or struggling. Yes, it’s completely harmful to only rely on the personal, to only rely on one singular perception, to not have logic, facts and statistics included in the discussion, but the point is that your personal experience supports and acts as the narrative by which you convey your reasoning, your facts, it is a support, not the foundation. It is the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down, to quote a rather wise nanny.

And frankly, I dislike the disregard for personal experiences, perceptions and feelings in general, I always think of that You’ve Got Mail quote:

What is that supposed to mean? I am so sick of that. All that means is that it wasn’t personal to you. But it was personal to me. It’s personal to a lot of people. And what is so wrong with being personal anyway?

Whatever else anything is, it oughta begin by being personal ~ Kathleen Kelly

And lastly, aside from emotional vulnerability and subverting perceptions about ‘personal’ being bad and in fact it is massively necessary, my desire to talk about it now is because it should be talked about. Not talking about issues is how we get into messes, is how these illnesses remain pervasive for so many. Not talking means we never ask for help, and we never see others and their story, we never express our help to others. Not talking does not help, but you know what’s always helped me? Seeing other people come out and go “hey I struggle with this too.” Seeing Taylor Swift reveal her struggles and reveal her fight and grow into someone better and more secure and healthy by throwing off that cruel whispering monster that is an eating disorder. The whisper that persuades us that if we throw it away then we fail, when really it’s the inverse. If we throw it off, we can soar.

It’s not even about sharing advice on how to get over it, although that is a massive aspect, it’s realising you are not alone. Just that. That simple change in perception helps so much. Suddenly you realise you CAN look for help, you can look to others for help, you can talk and cheer each other on, you know that you can swim and survive the riptide because others have, and so will you.

This time last year I felt alone and suddenly I wasn’t, this time last year I was so sick and struggling so much, and now I’m fighting. I’m getting better and getting stronger, 1 meal to 3 actual proper meals a day, because I used my voice, and because someone listened to my voice. I am absolutely going to falter and slip and struggle, I have before and I am not so arrogant as to assume I won’t be pulled under by that riptide again.

But I won’t be kept under by it. I’m too fond of the stars and the sky above to drown, too strongly tied to those who love me who won’t let me down. I’m too determined to swim back up and help others struggling. So watch me not give up, watch me keep fighting.

[bluesparrow11]

This is a 1119 unedited blurb that I wrote last year and never got around to posting. The basic premise is that the sickness either kills the person or turns them into an animal shapeshifter. I’ve got no plans to continue it but wouldn’t be against doing so if anyone is interested in reading more.

/////////////////////////////////////////

Nolan is on the verge of smothering Travis with a couch cushion and leaving Kevin to find the body over some stupid twitter post about whether a poptart is a ravioli or not when he gets the call from G. Travis swipes his phone off the coffee table where it was vibrating precariously towards the edge and fends off Patty with a flailing arm while yelling at full volume into the phone,

“I promise you! A poptart is fucking a ravioli. It’s a fucking vessel with tasty shit inside!”

“Shut the fuck up and give me my phone you fucking fuck”

Nolan attempts to press him into the corner of the couch because even though he was decidedly out of his weight class, Trav was a scrappy fucker and wasn’t above going for the armpits when cornered.

Travis was still cackling with his stupid squinty eyes and his stupid patchy beard and Patty’s phone pressed to his ear, while he presumably ignored the pleas of the person who called him to give the phone back to Patty. Nolan finally got him pinned, sitting firmly on his stomach to keep him from kicking at him when the smile slipped off his face. In the sudden silence, he could hear the tinny voice say his name and then Travis silently handed him the phone.

“Nolan?”

“G? What’s going on?”

There was a heavy sigh from the other end of the line.

“The season has been postponed until further notice”

Patty slid off of Travis onto the couch.

“The virus a lot of people were catching in Europe spread into the league. A couple guys in Florida died before they could get to the hospital.”

“Shit”

He knew it was selfish but the first thought he had was that he just fucking got back on the ice. He had finally gotten his brain to get on board and now the world had decided it was the perfect time to end.

It, it being the virus, had started in somewhere in Europe but no one was quite sure where yet because it was so new. It had spread so quickly that it infected at least fifty countries before people started noticing and closing stores and schools and borders. Nolan hadn’t thought it reached north america yet but,

“Apparently, it’s been spreading undetected for weeks in the states and probably Canada too. The plan right now is to have everyone stay where they are and quarantine there until they're sure they’re not sick. No contact with people they don’t live with. Face masks if you have to go to the grocery store. After that, I know a lot of guys are planning on heading home until a plan to restart gets proposed.”

They talked for a little bit longer but it was mostly small talk about G’s baby and Nolan definitely staying on his meal plan until Claude had to hang up to call the rest of the team to let them know the news.

After he hangs up, Nolan chucks his phone onto the couch beside him to probably slide into a crack and be a pain in the ass to find later. Travis is unusually quiet next to him.

“What did he say?”

“A couple guys on the Panthers died from the virus and the season is cancelled. We’re also not allowed to go outside.”

“Fuck”

“Yep”

There’s another long stretch of silence before Travis apparently hits his quota for the day and starts badgering him incessantly to order pancakes off of whatever weird food app he’s been using instead of just using grubhub like a normal person.

When the pancakes and arrive they divide it between them (saving some for what Kevin likes to call the ‘roommate tax’), and lean over the coffee table to eat while watching whatever random crap was on the discovery channel. It was some show where a bunch of British people tried to make the best cakes or bread or whatever. Nolan was getting pretty invested in Sharon’s candied orange peels when Travis places a warm hand on his shoulder blade.

“Hey”, he turns and Trav is making an earnest face that he thinks is supposed to be comforting, “We’re going to be okay.”

Something twists in his chest and he nods. He looks back down at his pancakes that he’s been mostly just shredding with his useless bendy plastic fork instead of eating. Anything to avoid the way Travis looks while trying to be a good fucking friend with his face all backlit by the TV, cheekbones and the bridge of his nose almost glowing.

The hand on his back gives him a couple pats before it slides back to Travis’ side.

Later when they've trudged up the stairs and are about to part ways, Nolan to his room and Travis to the guest room next door that he sleeps in so much it might as well be his, Nolan catches him by the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Hey, thanks… for earlier. On the couch”

Travis looks confused for a second and Nolan is about to just turn around and go die of embarrassment in peace when he seems to realise what he’s talking about and he ends up with an armful of Travis.

It’s a nice moment. Travis is warm in his arms and must be standing up on his tiptoes because he can hear him very clearly say,

“Anytime Pats”

Before pulling away with a shit eating grin that is just so fucking him,

“Congrats on having a human emotion bud.”

“Ugh”

Patty rolls his eyes so hard they throb a little and speed walks into his room, slamming the door just to drown out Travis’ laughing.

While he sliding between his sheets and arranging his pillows to his likling he distantly hears Kevin yell at Travis to, “Stop making a fucking racket.”

He falls asleep still feeling warm inside.

/////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

How they decide to go quarantine in the cabin. Patty is kinda hesitant but wants to do anything but stay locked in a house and go crazy. Also really doesn’t want to accidentally take anything home to his sisters and parents. Travis convinces him to just quarantine with him at the cabin. At least at the lake there’ll be things to do and fish and shit.

The plane. It’s almost empty and the flight attendants look very harried. A kid several rows back sneezes and everyone flinches. They’re all wearing masks and Nolan is desperately trying to remain calm next to Travis. Maybe they hold hands???

They rent a truck from the airport and drive the hour to the cabin. Groceries are already delivered and are sitting in and next to a cooler on the front porch. They unpack and eat some rice and beans from a can because they can’t be bothered to do anything else for dinner.

They both get progressively more tired and start to show symptoms as the weeks moves along

Patty wakes up in the middle of the week, in the middle of the night, to his phone ringing. It’s Kevin and he’s tested positive.

[dccomicsimagines]

What’s Lost is Found - Batfamily Imagine - Part Three

Part One   Part Two  Part Four   Part Five  Part Six  Part Six.Five  Part Seven  Part Eight  Part Nine  Part Ten  Part Eleven

Requested by Anon -  Could you do a sequel to what’s lost is found where they are kind of going through a rough patch in their relationship?

***

You floated on your back with your eyes closed. The sound of crashing waves filled your ears as the sun warmed your face. It was peaceful.

“(Y/N), we should be heading home,” Dick shouted from the beach. You sighed before diving under the surface to cool your warm skin. The salt burned your eyes even though you kept them closed. You enjoyed the silence, but all too soon you flipped around to surface and started the swim toward shore. 

Dick was waiting for you as you waded through the shallow water. He handed you a towel. “Have fun out there?” You nodded, quickly drying yourself off.

“Yeah, lots of fun.” You eyed him, noting his red face. “How did your nap go?” 

“Good, I think I made myself a little crispy.” Dick laughed, wrapping his arm around your shoulders and leading you toward the car. The sand stuck to your feet making your nose wrinkle. “I was thinking we could pick up some fast food on the way home. No need to cook tonight.”

You snorted. “It’s your turn anyway.” 

Dick chuckled, kissing your temple before letting you go to get into the driver’s seat. You opened the passenger’s side and sat with your feet out to brush off the sand.

About two months had past since you decided to stay with Dick. There was a peace that you hadn’t felt since your father died. Things were finally getting better even though your heart still ached from guilt and grief. 

You and Dick had a tranquil co-existence that was only interrupted by Dick’s attempts to get you to make friends. However, today was different. It was just you and Dick at the beach. You both swam until lunch. Then, you went to the bar and grill nearby. Dick dragged you into one of the souvenir shops afterwards and bought a seashell frame. He claimed he was going to put the photo of the two of you in it. You rolled your eyes at him, but it warmed your heart.

It was a good day. That’s why you were not prepared for the bomb Dick dropped on the way home. 

The bags of fast food were sitting by your feet when Dick cleared his throat. “So, I was thinking...” He paused, glancing at you. You eyed him carefully. Those words meant trouble for you. Dick swallowed hard before looking back at the road. “I think you should go to school.”

“What?” you growled. Your eyes narrowing into a glare. Dick sighed, making that face. The ‘I’m trying my best and you’re being so difficult’ face. If he weren’t driving, you would have punched him.

“Now don’t be like that.” Dick pursed his lips. You could tell he knew you would act like this.

Your eyes widened. “You planned this all out, didn’t you?” Your stomach soured. “What a dirty trick, Grayson. I’ll never trust you again. Plan out a nice day and drop a bomb on me.”

Dick’s mouth twitched and you knew you were right. “Look, I’m sorry, but I knew you were going to take this news badly and I wanted to soften the blow.” 

You frowned. “News? So that means we’re not even discussing this.” 

“We have a meeting tomorrow morning. Alfred sent your homeschool records,” Dick explained sharply, pinching the bridge of his nose with one hand while the other stayed on the wheel. 

“Asshole,” you hissed, crossing your arms and looking out the window. 

“Language.” Dick’s hands tightened around the wheel. “This is for the best. You need to be with people your own age.” 

Rage bubbled in your stomach. “Why does everybody always say that?” You could feel Dick’s eyes on you as he stopped at a light. “I never get to decide what’s best for me. It’s always everyone else.” 

“I know you feel like you have no control right now.” Dick reached over to lay a hand on your knee. You flinched away from him. “Maybe you should talk to someone?”

“Not this again,” you snapped. “Or did you already decide that for me too?” 

“(Y/N).” Dick sighed, defeated. He pursed his lips. The light change and he made the turn toward home. “You can’t keep everything bottled up inside. I have a friend, Lilith. She works as a psychologist now and she’ll be able to help you work through things.” 

You didn’t say anything, too disheartened to speak. Perhaps you were being selfish. You can never have a nice day again. This was your punishment for the life you took.

Dick kept talking, but you stopped listening. You kept your eyes out the window. The moment he pulled into the driveway, you were out the door and headed straight into the house.

“Kiddo,” Dick called after you, but you ignored him. You slammed the front door behind you before sprinting up the stairs to your room. Only then did you let yourself cry.

***

The alarm clock beside your bed shined three thirty in the morning. You sighed, sitting up in bed. Sleep wouldn’t come to you. Anxiety made your head go around and around. You couldn’t relax enough to sleep.

Frustrated, you threw off your covers and got to your feet. You needed to move. Your running clothes were already sitting out, so you slipped them on and crept out of the house. It was dark, but the street lights gave off enough light for you to see.

You ran long enough for the sun to rise over the horizon and for the street lights to turn off. The anxiety didn’t go away, even though you tried your best to run from it. Time faded away.

Eventually, when you finally decided to go back home, it was bright and sunny out. The coolness of the morning fading fast. Dick was waiting for you on the front steps. His expression stony, but you could seen the glint of anger in his eyes. 

“Where the hell were you?” Dick demanded as you came to a halt in front of him. Your legs felt like jelly. You opened your mouth to speak, but Dick held up his hand. “Never mind, get upstairs. You have fifteen minutes to get ready. We have the meeting with the school today.” 

You rolled your eyes, marching past him and heading upstairs for a quick shower. Part of you was tempted to take your time, but you realized Dick was angry enough to drag you out of the house in only your bathrobe, so you weren’t going to push him. At least not right now. 

The anxiety came back full force. Your stomach twisting and turning. You were tired from having little to no sleep. The endorphins from your run didn’t help as much as you hoped. 

Dick was waiting for you once you came down the stairs fully dressed for the day. He forced a package of poptarts and a water bottle in your hand before pushing you out the door and into the car. You put the poptarts aside, but drank the water during the drive over to the school. It was close enough to walk to, which meant you would probably be walking yourself there everyday. Great.

You could feel Dick give you a disapproving look for not eating. He could suck it up. 

Dick pulled up to the school and parked before hassling you all the way to the front office. Within minutes, you were sitting across from the guidance counselor and the vice principal.

“Sorry, we’re late,” Dick said, giving them a charming smile. The vice principal just nodded while the guidance counselor went googly eyed. Oh boy. You were sure the guidance counselor was going to ask you if Dick was single once you were alone with her.

“It’s alright, Mr. Grayson.” The vice principal shook Dick’s hand before offering to shake yours. You reluctantly did so. “Now, has (Y/N) ever been to a public school before?”

Dick nodded. “Yes, but the last four years they have been homeschooled. Their father had a busy life, and it was decided that was best for them.” You frowned at being talked about like you weren’t there, but when you opened your mouth to say so, Dick interrupted. “I believe a school environment is what (Y/N) needs. They don’t have friends their own age and with their father’s passing, they need some stability.” 

The guidance counselor looked at you like you were prey. Dick made you a target now. The rest of the meeting continued with everyone talking like you weren’t there.  You sunk farther into your chair, feeling dizzy, but you blinked it away.

Eventually, you were taken away to take a placement test. Standard practice, they said. You kept feeling lightheaded, but you pushed it away, holding back yawns as you finished the test. It was easy. Then again, you were used to tests made by Alfred and your father. Both didn’t believe in shortcuts.

Dick and the guidance counselor were talking outside when you left the testing room. You heard them say your name, but Dick cut off the conversation when he saw you. “Hey, kiddo. How’d it go?”

“Fine.” You crossed your arms, eyeing the guidance counselor who was studying you closely. 

“Well, we’ll have the test results in about thirty minutes, so why don’t we take a little tour of the school?” the guidance counselor asked cheerfully. You glared at her only to get elbowed in the side by Dick. 

“Sure, sounds like fun,” Dick said. His arm wrapped around your shoulders to make you follow the guidance counselor through the halls. The tour was not impressive, nor was the school. Dick acted excited, but you sensed he was just trying to keep you from rebelling. 

Finally, you ended up in the guidance counselor’s office. She ran off to get your test results, leaving you and Dick alone. 

Several seconds of silence passed before Dick broke it with a harsh whisper. “Would you try, (Y/N)? This is good for you.” 

“Stop saying that,” you hissed back. You crossed your arms, blinking back the dizziness. Maybe you should have eaten those poptarts? The last time you ate was lunch yesterday.

Dick sighed, running a hand through his hair. “Why do you have to be so much like your brother?” Your eyes snapped to him, glowering fiercely. 

“I am nothing like that hypocritical bastard.” Dick looked at you in surprise, but the guidance counselor came in and stopped him from replying. She, however, saw your scowl and you could see the wheels turning in her head. 

Dick spun to her and flashed her that charming smile again to calm her down. She opened your tests results. “Well, (Y/N) did very well on the test. Exceptional in fact.”

You had to smile at Dick’s shocked face. “They did?”

“Yes, (Y/N) could be placed in twelfth grade and be ready to graduate in the spring if they can pass the graduation tests.” The guidance counselor frowned. “But that won’t help (Y/N) make friends their age.” 

You glared at her. “That is not important,” you snapped before Dick could speak for you.

The guidance counselor looked at you in surprise. “But it's important for teenagers to feel a sense of belonging and acceptance by their peers. You can’t have that (Y/N) if you don’t have friends.”

“(Y/N) is struggling with all of this,” Dick began. You growled at him. This was all a trick. He was going to make you talk to the guidance counselor about your problems. You felt violated and disrespected. Why couldn’t he understand you didn’t want to talk to people about this? “They were very close to their father, and they didn’t socialize outside of his very tight knit circle.” 

You got to your feet. “No, you are not doing this! I told you I didn’t want to talk to someone about this and you are not going to force me!” Dick stared back at you calmly.

“(Y/N), calm down. We’ll stop talking about that right now.” The guidance counselor held up a hand. “Just sit down please.” 

Tears threatened to spill down your cheeks, but you held them back. You sank down into your chair. Dick and the guidance counselor began to talk about where you should be placed. Eventually, it was decided, without your input since you realized you couldn’t open your mouth or you would burst into tears, that you would have classes with the twelve graders, but also have electives with people your age.

Eventually, you were signed up for a bunch of classes you couldn’t even care about. The guidance counselor tried to hand you the schedule, but you refused to take it. Dick took it for you, giving her apologetic smile. They flirted as you walked out of the school.

“(Y/N), that was rude of you,” Dick said once you were alone in the parking lot. You kept your mouth shut, getting into the car. Dick sighed. He was making that face again, but you ignored it. You were too mad to feel guilty. He got into the car and silently drove home. 

Dick parked in the driveway, but didn’t turn off the car. “I got to go to work for a few hours. Why don’t you take this time to cool off?” You sent him one last glare before opening your car door and slamming it behind you. 

Inside the house, you let the tears fall as you heated up the fast food you didn’t eat from last night. You wanted to scream and rip everything apart, but you didn’t. That would be too much like Damian.

You haven’t talk to Damian since that one conversation on the car trip down here. He hadn’t called you and you weren’t going to call him. In fact, no one from your ‘family’ called you. All you got was the weekly email from Alfred. 

Once your food was done, you went up to your room and slept with the hope you would wake up to find your father alive. 

***

“(Y/N), honey, wake up.”  You felt Dick’s hand rubbing your back. Slowly, you opened your eyes. You were still in your bed, but your alarm clock said it was eight in the morning. Did you really sleep that long? “Come on, you have to get up.”

“Why?” you groaned. You felt like you could lay there forever. Dick sat you up and you reluctantly supported yourself. 

“Because you’ve been asleep over ten hours.” Dick gently pulled you to your feet. You stumbled, still in the fog of sleep. “Woah, there.” He scooped you up into his arms and carried you downstairs. 

You rubbed the sleep out of your eyes, trying to get stay awake. He sat you down at the kitchen table and pushed a bowl of cereal in front of you. You glared at it as Dick set a glass of orange juice beside it. “What are you trying to trick me into now?”

Dick sighed. You could see he was exhausted. A tiny bit of guilt flashed through you, but you remembered what happened yesterday and it disappeared fast. “I’m not tricking you into anything.” He sat down across from you. “I’m just trying to keep you healthy, (Y/N).” 

“Like that matters to you.” You took a reluctant bite of the cereal. 

“And now we’re back to where we were when you got here.” Dick ran his hands through his hair, looking at you with those bright blue eyes. You didn’t make eye contact. “I know I told you the wrong way and I’m sorry, but you have to go to school.” 

You took a sip of juice, wincing when it burned down your throat. “Whatever.” 

“We’re okay?” Dick reached out a hand from across the table to rest on your arm. You made the mistake of looking him in the eye and you lost.

“Fine,” you said before you realized what you were saying. Dick smiled in relief and your heart warmed at the sight. Damn him.

“So you got a package yesterday.” Dick went over to pick up a small box off the counter. Your eyes widened in surprised at not noticing it before. He set it on the table. “You can open after you finish eating.” 

You eyed him suspiciously. “Is this another trick of yours?” 

“No, I promise I have nothing to do with this.” Dick laughed, shaking his head. “I didn’t even know it was coming.” He moved to sit down again and read the paper while you ate. The cereal made your stomach uneasy, but you ignored it. 

Once the cereal and the juice was gone, you got to your feet. You had to grab the table to keep your balance for a second. Dick closed the paper and took the dishes for you before gesturing for you to sit back down. You obeyed him, too unsteady not to. What was wrong with you? Was it just from sleeping too long?

You closed your eyes and rested your head on the table. Dick’s hand touched your forehead then the back of your neck. “You’re a little warm,” he said worriedly.

“I’m fine.” You pushed his hand away and pulled the small box toward you. The shipping label only had your name and address on it. “I didn’t order anything.”

“I figured you would have told me if you did.” Dick came over with a knife and cut the tape for you. He was still studying you with concern. You ignored it as you opened the box. The first thing you saw was a note. You opened it only to find a letter from Tim.

“Tim sent me a package?” you asked, looking up at Dick in confusion. Dick looked perplexed as well. You tried to read the note, but the words were all muddled together. Blinking several times, you gave up and handed it to Dick. He took it, reading it with a frown on his face. You peered into the box and pulled out a little glass case with a vial secured inside it. 

“Oh no,” Dick gasped suddenly. You looked up at him only to find him suddenly gathering you into his arms and taking you back to his secret room. The glass case was still in your hand, but you were finding it harder to keep your fingers around it. Everything around you was becoming fuzzier. 

You tried to speak, but it only came out in mumbles. Dick laid you on the med bed that slid out from the wall. You didn’t know that was in his secret room.

“Hush, you’ll be fine, honey. Just stay calm,” Dick soothed as you watched the blur that was Dick move around. There was a prick in your arm before everything faded to black.

[let-it-raines]

Rising from the Ashes (11/?)

Summary: When her husband died, Emma wasn’t sure that she could ever move on. He left her with a broken heart and a baby who was only three-months old. It’s enough to take most people down, to make them not want to keep going, but Emma Swan isn’t most people. She’s stronger than she has any right to be. And after years of heartache, she’s found ways to move on…one of those being in Neal’s best friend, Killian Jones. 

As she’s always known, however, things are more complicated than they ever seem to be. 

Rating: Mature

A/N: This is a happy chapter. I’m just going to flat out say that, haha. I’m gong to be a bit busy with life and be out of town for awhile soon, so I’m posting this chapter a little early! I’ll do the same with Bullseye. Have a good weekend! 💕

Found on AO3: Beginning | Current

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Tag list: @jamif @artistic-writer @cs-forlife @qualitycoffeethings @resident-of-storybrooke @captainsjedi @captswanis4vr @teamhook @ekr032-blog-blog @mayquita @bmbbcs4evr @wellhellotragic @kmomof4 @jennjenn615 @onceuponaprincessworld @shady-swan-jones @snowbellewells @snow-into-ash @andiirivera @mariakov81 @thejollyroger-writer @shireness-says @kristi555 @facesiousbutton82 @superchocovian @jonirobinson64 

“Do you want me to take you to work on the way to the airport?”

She looks up from where she’s chopping up chicken for dinner later to see Neal sitting on a barstool fiddling away with his phone, brows creased and lines on his forehead bunching together. It must be a work thing. That’s usually how he looks when it’s about work, especially because she doesn’t think he really has a lot of friends here. Well, he’s got his support group friends and a few guys that he likes to go have drinks with. And she’s pretty sure he’s friends with some people who share the same therapist as him, but she literally has no idea how that would work. It’s easier not to ask too many questions with Neal, though. He’s never been one for sharing too much, and she knows when to prod and when not to.

Most of the time.

So maybe he does have friends. She should probably ask him about his friends, maybe offer to have them over for dinner one day after the holidays.

“Neal,” she asks, tapping her knife against the cutting board until he looks up, his face immediately relaxing, “did you hear me?”

“Were you talking?”

“I was,” she laughs, scooping the chicken into a Tupperware container. “I asked if you want me to take you to work. You can’t use my car because I need it, so I figured you need a ride. Of course, Killian can take you too. You should look into getting a car sometime soon, though. I don’t know how long we’re going to be able to function getting around with our different schedules and your therapy, especially because I go back to work soon. And riding the bus isn’t super convenient, so just a thought.”

Neal hums before sliding his phone in his pocket. “I’ll ride with Killian today. I’ve got therapy after work, but I’ll take the bus there since I know everyone will be busy.”

“If you’re sure. But really, let’s go look for you something after the new year.”

“What happened to my truck? And the bug? We don’t have either of those anymore? They’re not in storage or something?”

“I, uh, sold them,” she admits, picking up the container of chicken and moving to put it in the fridge before she walking back to the island and twisting the knob for the sink so that she can wash her hands. “Your truck was worth money when I needed money, and the bug was not safe for kids. When we got here and I found out I was pregnant with Ada, Killian and I went and found me a mid-sized SUV so that, you know, I wasn’t going to have to go full on minivan.”

He clicks his tongue at that before a soft smile forms on his face. “You are not a minivan type of mom.”

“No, I’m not,” she agrees, wiping her hands off on a towel.” But I am the mom to a mini little munchkin who is currently running into the wall with her bouncer right not. Ada,” she chuckles, walking over to her kid and scooping her out of the bouncer while she gurgles something that is definitely not a word, “you are going to knock things over, my love. You’re going to be a wild child, aren’t you? You definitely can’t start crawling. I know you’re close, but not when you’re a menace.”

“I know I keep asking, but how old is she again?” Neal asks while she hears both Henry and Killian walking around upstairs. Every single person in this house is going to be late to where they’re going today if they don’t hurry. She absolutely cannot wait until her life isn’t chaotic.

That may never happen.

“Seven months.”

“She’s small.”

“She’s on the tinier side, but she’s in normal range,” she sighs as she runs her hand over Ada’s head, brushing her hair back a bit. It’s still thin, but she can see the slightest bit of curl at the ends. “Can you do me a favor and go tell Henry and Killian to hurry up?”

Neal bows his head and mock salutes before he’s turning and quickly running up the stairs while she balances Ada on her hip and moves around to make sure that Henry will be ready to put his coat and shoes on before they get in the car. It’s kind of a crazy day with Liam and Belle coming in from London. Henry’s on Christmas break now, so while she’d think that it’d be easier not having to get him ready for school, she can’t leave him here alone so she’s always wrangling him to go places. He may act mature sometimes, but he’s eight. She’s pretty sure that’s illegal.

She should probably know that.

So she’s got Henry and Ada both home with her, Neal and Killian going to work and therapy and whatever else it is they do, and Liam and Belle coming to stay for a week, even if they’re sleeping in a hotel. It’s all a little insane. Plus she’s finally going back to work in two weeks, and that’s kind of stressing her out since there’s a lot to catch up on and she’s not exactly in love with Ada’s daycare.

And Christmas.

Christmas is also a little stressful with her family spending time here as well, but she’s determined to make it the best year for everyone.

For her too. She doesn’t tend to think she’s selfish, but she’s been through some shit this year. She deserves nice things, even if those nice things are she and Killian getting a quiet, calm morning to themselves.

“Mom,” Henry groans, running down the stairs in a hoodie and what she’s pretty sure are pajama pants, “I can’t find my pants.”

“You know what, kid,” she sighs, walking toward him and messing with his hair to make it look like less of a disaster, “it doesn’t matter. I don’t think your aunt and uncle are going to care if you’re looking a little messy.”

“Are they here yet?” he asks excitedly, his eyes lighting up as he bounces a bit up and down. Henry loves Liam quite possibly more than he loves anyone, and he’s been counting down his arrival since they told him about it.

“They are going to land any minute now.”

“Do you think they brought me presents?”

“I think so, but you absolutely cannot ask for them when we see them. You have to wait.”

“But – ”

“Nope.”

“Mom.”

“Take your pajama covered legs and go eat some of the fruit that’s on the counter.”

“Do we have poptarts?”

“No,” she lies, thinking of the box in the cabinet behind the plates, “we don’t. You’re having fruit.”

Henry groans before she swears he mumbles something about her being too much like Killian in making him eat healthy. It’s a constant battle. He’s a good kid, but sometimes the call for sugar is too much.

She can’t believe he and Killian have been up there this entire time and Killian didn’t manage to get him in a pair of jeans.

Killian and Neal come down the stairs almost simultaneously, Killian trailing just behind Neal while he messes with the cuffs on his shirt underneath his suit jacket. By the time she gets used to having them both in the house, Neal will probably be able to get his own apartment. They haven’t talked about that. Hell, they’re just now talking about him getting a car, but she figures it has to happen eventually once he has some money and is feeling more stable. He can’t live with them forever. She’s all about her modern family or whatever, but she doesn’t want to live with her ex-husband for the next decade. She’s more than happy to help him, to let him get to know Henry, to let her get to know him again, but there’s going to be a point when he can’t live here anymore.

It’s only been four months, and he’s going through a lot. She really doesn’t mind right now. He can take his time.

But they’ll get there. Life has been insane, more than insane really, and she thinks everything is beginning to settle down again. She and Killian are together again, and even though it’s only been twelve days and she’s still a little hurt over everything, it’s going well. They’re sleeping in the same room again, sleeping together again, but mostly they’re talking. They’ve most likely talked until their faces turned blue, sometimes arguing over what’s been going on, but she’ll take the arguments over the nothing any day of the week.

She’s had two big loves in her life, and neither of them have been perfect. Neal, even with all of their issues that she’s coming to understand now, was someone who she really did love. She loved him, thought the world of him, but they’re not going to work out. It probably would have happened eventually, even without the tragedy of their story. She just didn’t realize it at the time. He’s not a bad guy, not really, but he’s not right for her. Maybe at the time but not anymore. She thinks what they have going for them, this friendship of sorts, is going to be wonderful.

Killian’s not without his issues as well, but she doesn’t like to think of it as a comparison. That’s what everyone else has been doing to her. They’ve made it a comparison, a contest between the two of them, and it’s not that. It’s simply that for who she is, for how she’s grown through the absolute shitstorm that has been parts of her life, Killian matches up well with her. He’s been her best friend for a long time, and he understands her. He understands when she needs comforting and when she needs to be left alone. He understands how she ticks, how she thinks about things. He understands her.

She understands him.

They’re far from perfect, but she loves him. Honestly and truly she does. Even when he’s being a dumbass and thinking that she needed time to think, she loves him. She understands why he did that now that they’ve talked through things, now that she’s had time to think without her heart being broken. Killian feels things more deeply than most people she knows, maybe more than anybody she knows, and even when he tries to disguise it, his emotions are always right there on his sleeve. Sometimes she’s the only one allowed to see them.

She’s thankful for that.

They’re good, the two of them, and the constant constriction of her heart being squeezed in by her ribcage is getting back to the normal as the two of them get back to them and to being a team while raising their children.

Her life hasn’t been easy, but she’s happy.

She’s finally happy again.

And he looks damn good in that blue suit. That doesn’t even matter, but she’s allowed to point these things out. She’s allowed to appreciate him. She should.

“I am running so late,” Killian mumbles rushing right by her and into the kitchen to grab a travel mug of coffee from the pot Neal made. “Neal, can you go crank up the car? It’s going to take awhile to defrost.”

“Sure thing,” Neal nods, ruffling Henry’s hair, which is obviously something he’s never going to learn not to do with Henry, and waving to she and Ada who gurgles right back at him before he’s grabbing his coat and heading outside.

“Bye, Henry,” Killian quickly hums, twisting his mug’s top on and raising his hand so Henry can give him a high five, before he’s walking over to her, kissing Ada’s head, and then mumbling about being late again as he pulls on his coat and walks out the door, the wood slamming behind him.

She knows that being late is his biggest pet peeve and that it stresses him, but she kind of can’t believe he just forgot to tell her goodbye. It’s not that big of a deal, but if he’s that frazzled now, he’s going to be a mess for the rest of the day, even knowing that Liam is going to be here waiting for him when he gets home. Or that might be part of the reason he’s frazzled. Liam is his best friend, and she knows that he’s anxious to see him. He’s been Killian’s support system through all of this like David has been hers.

They’ve got some good older brothers.

“You do too,” she says out loud to Ada, stepping out of the kitchen and into the hallway so that she can lock the front door behind Killian only for the door to swing open and for Killian to come jogging back into the house and quickly tugs her into a kiss, capturing her lips with the intensity of a man starved even if they’re simply parting ways for a few hours. She’s not going to complain. She loves him and loves that they’re back to this.

She loves that he remembered even if it’s the smallest thing and he’s running late.

She loves how he kisses her.

“I love you,” he whispers in her ear, nuzzling her neck a bit while he places a kiss just below her lobe. She thinks she might melt every time he does that. And when he playfully squeezes her ass like he’s doing right now. She could melt at that too. “Your ass looks fantastic in these jeans, by the way. I’d like to wax a little more poetic on that later, but I’ve got to go to work.”

She snickers and turns her head to quickly brush her lips over his two times. “I love you, and I am willing to take you up on that offer later if I can get you away from your brother. Your ass looks good in your pants too.”

“Good,” he smiles, leaning back before dipping his head down to kiss Ada’s forehead. “Goodbye, my little love. Daddy will be home later.”

He kisses her cheek again before walking out the door, slamming it closed behind him as he most likely runs to the car. She’s just glad it’s not snowing. He’d lose his mind or something trying to drive through it.

“Alright, Henry,” she yells as she turns the lock, “we’re leaving for the airport in fifteen minutes whether you have that food in your stomach or not.”

-/-

-/-

“Are you nervous, lad?” Killian asks Henry as the plane begins to taxi so that they can take off.

“No. Why would I be scared of a plane?”

“Some people are. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. Look at your mum. She’s positively green.”

“That’s not funny,” she groans while her stomach flips again and again, the nausea threating to boil over. She’s been feeling it for two or three days now, but she hasn’t said anything to Killian. She should have, but she’s been a little scared that it was just a bug or something and not what she absolutely hopes that it is after trying for so long. “I’m really not scared.”

“She’s not green,” Henry points out. “How would she turn green?”

“Sometimes when someone is green, it means that they’re sick,” Killian explains to Henry while he places his hand on her leg, squeezing a bit before leaving it there, the slight weight a comfort. “It’s kind of like when you were sick right before school finished and your skin was a bit of a different color.”

Henry hums next to her before leaning over as much as he can with his seatbelt holding him back to look at her face, his eyes scanning hers closely while she presses her lips together in a smile, attempting to look as normal as possible when her body is still reeling.

“I think you look pretty, Momma.”

“Thank you, baby.”

“But your hair does look funny.”

She sniffles at that, trying not to let her laugh get too loud, while Killian can barely contain himself next to her. She loves Henry with everything in her, but damn it, kids tell it like it is. Last week he told Killian that his ears looked like elf ears, and they’d turned as red as her lipstick. He does have elf ears, but she finds them rather charming. Henry, not so much. And now he apparently is taking issue with her hair. She knows that it’s not looking fantastic with the natural curls poking out of her ponytail, but she’s miserable and on an eight-hour plane ride.

This is going to be fantastic.

“Sit back and watch us fly in the air, you crazy kid.”

“Am I going to fly out of my seat?”

“If you take your seatbelt off when you’re not supposed to.”

She rolls her eyes at Killian before reaching to cover her hand over his, resting it on the warmth before she holds her free hand out to hold Henry’s, letting him immediately intertwine his fingers with hers. “You won’t really. It’s just like being in a car except that when the pilot says it’s okay, we can get up to stretch our legs or go to the bathroom.”

“I can’t do that in the car.”

“Exactly,” she laughs, squeezing his hand as the engine starts getting louder and the pavement outside blurs by more quickly. She can’t look, not without throwing up, so she has to focus on chewing her gum and on the seat in front of her.

“Watch as we take off, Henry,” Killian starts, taking over for her and leaning over her body to point out the window. “We’re about to be flying.”

It’s possibly the worst take off of any flight she’s ever been on, but she’s sure that no one else on the plane notices. She, however, is about two seconds from vomiting the entire time, but she doesn’t have anywhere to vomit. None of their seats have any bags, and it’s not like she can get up. It’s going to be minutes before even the flight attendants start moving around.

She’s going to throw up on her boyfriend. That’s what’s going to happen. She’s going to throw up on her boyfriend. Henry isn’t an option, and her feet aren’t an option either. This is the only pair of shoes that she has that are not in her luggage down below.

“Killian,” she whispers, trying to push down the nausea and the rolling waves in her stomach. Her intestines very well may be twisting together and then separating. It’s a lot.

“Yeah, love?”

“I need,” she gulps, trying not to move her lips or her body, “something to throw up in.”

She can’t see his eyes blow wide, but she knows that the blue is frantic and that he’s taken aback. She can imagine it exactly as it happens, can practically hear the opening and closing of his mouth, but she will not move.

She can’t.

“Emma, there’s not anything here unless you want to vomit in Henry’s bag of pretzels.”

She doesn’t, but she has to.

The next ten minutes of her life are some of the most painful, gross, and overall embarrassing minutes of her life. She’s grossed out Henry, who may as well be pressed into the window so hard that he’s going to fall out of the plane, and she’s grossed out every person around them and likely the flight attendants who bring her bags and the trashcan once they realize what’s happening. The only person who isn’t disgusted by her is Killian, and she knows that’s only because he is so freaking worried that he doesn’t have time to think about all of this.

It’d probably be ease some of his fears if she told him she thinks she’s pregnant, but then that would create a whole other host of problems. And she’s not going to tell her boyfriend she’s pregnant on a plane full of strangers who are watching her vomit while her son sits next to her. She doesn’t want Henry to know until she’s sure and until she’s sure that the baby will be okay. She has hope, but so does every mom.

Now is not the time. She’ll tell Killian when they get to their hotel. They’re in the same room as Henry, but she’ll figure it out.

“Did you pack one of those mini bottles of mouthwash?” she asks him when they’ve been in the air for thirty minutes and with the help of some severally underpaid attendants they’ve gotten all of her bags thrown away and everything feeling a bit more normal again.

“Aye, in my bag. Do you need it?”

“Yeah.”

“Are you done throwing up, Momma?”

“I hope so,” she tells Henry, twisting her head to the side to tightly smile at Henry while Killian gets up to get his bag, opening it up in the aisle to find his mouthwash. “I think my body just didn’t react well to flying. I must not have the same flying superpowers that you and Daddy have.”

“Must not. Can I get more pretzels?”

Eight agonizing hours later they’ve landed, and she feels about as clammy and gross as humanly possible, so after changing clothes, washing her face in the bathroom, and then going through customs, they’re greeted by the smiling faces of Liam and Belle who are holding up a poster with colorful words spelling out “Young Master Henry.” It’s the most ridiculous thing in the world, but Liam and Killian call him that enough that it’s a thing now.

“Uncle Liam,” Henry squeals, running the few feet toward Liam with his Spiderman backpack bouncing on his back until he’s literally jumping into Liam’s arms and being lifted up in the air to be spun around.

“Master Henry,” Liam starts, using an extra pompous accent to talk to Henry while he spins him around. “I’m so glad to see that you’ve traveled her safely in your flying car. Your next ride awaits you outside.”

“It’s a plane. It’s better than a car because you can pee in it.”

Liam barks out a laugh at that while Belle tries to stifle hers, and she can do nothing back shake her head back and forth while she envelops Belle in a hug, wrapping her arms around her waist for a minute.

“Hi, darling,” Belle greets, her accent mixing in with everyone else here. This is her first time out of the country, and it’s a little overwhelming. The constant nausea doesn’t help. But she’s excited to be here. Plus they have Liam and Belle to help guide them. And the trip isn’t really about sightseeing. It’s about seeing family. “How was the flight?”

“It was a flight,” she says dryly, pulling back and smiling up at her, kind of wishing that her hair was as shiny and straight as the deep brown of Belle’s hair.  “How are you?”

“I’m just perfect, but I need to hug my best friend, Henry.”

“Avery is my best friend,” Henry corrects, but Liam hands him off to Belle anyways. She’s not tall, and Henry’s almost seven-year-old frame overwhelms her.

“You can have more than one,” Liam laughs before he’s wrapping her in a hug, his body overwhelming her as he cups the back of her head. He hugs just like David. It must be a big brother thing. Maybe Henry will do that with his sibling. They need to buy a test. “Hello, little birdie.”

“Hi, big Jones.”

“Oi, Swan,” Killian scoffs from behind her, “you cannot call him that.”

“So insecure in his manhood, the little one,” Liam jokes, kissing the top of her head before pulling back. “Alright, my brood, Belle and I are going to take you out to dinner and then to the flat, okay?”

“Actually, can you take us home or to the hotel?” Killian suggests, placing his hand on the small of her back so that she can feel the heat and sureness of him. “Emma had a bit of a rough flight. She might have a bit of a bug, so I think she may want to shower.”

“You alright, lass?” Liam asks, his brows raising in a way that’s so much like Killian that she’ll never quite be over it.

“I’m fine,” she promises, resting her head on Killian’s shoulder. “Let’s just get takeout and go to your apartment, okay?”

She showers the moment they get back to the apartment… or flat as Liam corrects, leaving everyone else to eat their tai food, and even as the nausea persists, she feels a thousand times better than she did on the plane. Seriously. She’s not sure if she’s ever felt that gross, even when she was pregnant with Henry. But she was younger then and maybe things are just different. Plus she wasn’t on a plane then.

She’s not eating the tai food, though. That’s not happening at all.

There’s a knock on the bathroom door, and she walks over to twist the lock, pulling the door open and looking to see Killian standing outside with his hand still resting on the frame.

“Hi.”

“Are you creeping on me in the bathroom for a reason, babe?”

He hums before opening the door a bit and stepping inside, shutting them into the small room that’s still filled with steam on the mirror. She hasn’t looked at herself, but she imagines that her hair is tangled and that she’s got mascara smudged all down her cheeks. She really doesn’t care.

“I’m simply checking on you.” He takes a step forward and places his hands on her hips, his thumbs reaching up under her t-shirt to rub into the skin. It’s soothing, and with how exhausted she is, it could make her fall asleep. Instead she leans into Killian and buries her face in his shoulder, knowing that it’s going to get stained from her face. At least his shirt is black. “Are you okay? Feeling better?”

“A little.”

He hums again before one of his hands moves from her hip up her back, the warmth of his body trickling against every inch of her skin, enveloping her in a comfort she hasn’t felt all day. It only gets better when she feels his mouth against her neck, a contrast of the softness of his lips and the slight harshness of his beard.

“Are you pregnant?”

She doesn’t know why she’s taken aback by it, but she is. Of course Killian knows. How could he not? He knows more about pregnancy than she does. He’s been looking everything up since they decided to officially start trying last year. It’s been a bit rough, which is probably why she’s a little hesitant to take a test. She knows. There’s not much doubt, but it’s still terrifying. The last time she told someone she was pregnant, it didn’t go over well. And then Neal died and…the last time she had a baby with someone, it wasn’t great, and even though she trusts Killian, even though they’ve been actively trying for this, she’s still scared that maybe it’ll be a repeat of everything in the past. It’s an unreasonable, unrealistic fear, but it’s there.

She’d love this kid as much as she loves Henry regardless.

She wants this kid so damn badly.

“I don’t know.”

“But you think so?” he asks, his lips so close to her ear that she can feel the vibrations of every word.

“I have to be,” she admits, the weight on her shoulders lightening a bit. “I’m late, I’m tired, I can’t stop vomiting, and my boobs feel like freaking water balloons.”

He doesn’t say anything for far too long, the seconds ticking by as he continues to rub up and down her back while she simply holds onto him, her anchor when she feels like everything can be taken away by a gust of wind.

“So it’s not a stomach bug?”

“Not a stomach bug. I have to take a test, but I’d bet the house on it.”

“I’d take that bet.” He pulls his head away from her neck and moves his hands, all of his warmth leaving until he’s cupping her cheeks and running his thumbs under her eyes while she looks up at him, the blue of his eyes watery and still ridiculously beautiful. “We made a baby.”

“Yeah,” she smiles, “we did.”

“I love you and the bug.”

“The bug?” she asks, tilting her head up and pressing up on her toes while her arms move up his sides to finally land around his neck.

“Well, I don’t know. It’s kind of cute. It’s not a stomach bug like everyone in the den thinks or everyone on the plane, but we could still call it a bug.”

“So you’re equating this almost sure thing of a baby, your own flesh and blood, to a stomach bug?”

“Aye, I’m a wonderful father.”

She can’t help herself to lean forward and quickly brush her lips over his, featherlight touches that only make her feel better about all of this. He’s happy. He’s happy that this is happening. She can see it in the smile on his face and hear it in his voice.

She’s happy too.

“That you already are,” she promises, thinking of Henry and how Killian has been a dad for much longer than their little bug has been into existence. “And I love you too. Now let’s go lie to your family and our kid about all of this and act like we were totally just making out in the bathroom or something.”

He moves his brows across his forehead until one of them lands somewhere near his hairline while his entire face crinkles in a smirk. “Or we could actually make out, and it’ll only be half a lie.”

“I’ve been vomiting all day.”

“We’ll strive to make out tomorrow.”

-/-

-/-

“Momma,” Henry whines, his feet bouncing up and down as she tries to keep him still while also holding Ada on her hip. She should have brought in the bjorn, but she honestly didn’t think they’d be standing her for this long, especially since they did not leave the house in fifteen minutes.

It was more like thirty.

Forty.

“Where are they?”

“They are almost here. You have to be patient.”

“I am, but you said that they would be here when I got here.”

She sighs, frustration beginning to build up. She knows that Henry’s excited and anxious to see Liam and Belle. It’s all he’s been talking about for a week, but damn has he forgotten all of his manners and his patience. She should have brought him one of his books to read.

“Do you remember when we went to London to visit them?”

“Yeah, you threw up on the plane. That was funny.”

“You’re gross,” she laughs, tugging him into her side while Ada grabs at her sweater just over her boobs. “But do you remember how long it took for those people to check our bags while they asked us questions?”

“It took forever.”

“It did, and that’s what Liam and Belle are doing right now.”

“Ada is lucky that she didn’t have to wait there with us.”

Technically she did, but that’s a story for another time.

“You hear that, Ada bug? Your brother is looking out for you by telling you not to go through customs. I bet he’ll hold your hand when you get to fly for the first time too.”

She lets out this sound that is somewhere between a gurgle, a laugh, and a scream, and Emma can do nothing but lift her and adjust her over her shoulder so that she immediately starts yanking on her hair despite it being pulled up.

“When is Ada going to fly?”

“I don’t know. Maybe we’ll go on a vacation next summer after you get out of school.”

“Where?”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Australia.”

“What?” she laughs, looking down at Henry as his eyes still glance out amongst the crowd, looking for Liam. He loves Belle, but she knows that he’s looking for Liam. If she and Killian were put up against Liam for who Henry loves the most, they wouldn’t have a chance. And she likes to think she’s got it good with her kid.

“Australia. I want to see the giant bugs.”

“Ask your daddy about that one, kid,” she sighs. “I am not going somewhere to see giant bugs unless it’s the zoo and they’re in a case.”

“They don’t hurt, unless you get bit by the poisonous ones.”

“Did we learn this from TV or a book?”

“National Geographic. I got thirsty last night and went downstairs to get some water and Dad was up talking on the phone.”

“At what time?”

“I don’t know, but he hung up and we watched a show about Australia.”

She’s about to say something about how he doesn’t need to be watching TV past bedtime, but then she sees a familiar crop of curly dark hair and startlingly familiar blue eyes.

“I think I see – ”

“Uncle Liam,” he shouts, running out from under her arm and the few feet until he’s jumping into Liam’s arms, the man only stumbling back a bit as he catches him while also balancing everything he was holding. It’s been since Ada’s birth since they’ve seen each other, and that’s far too long for how much they love each other.

She can’t wait to see Killian tackle Liam later. Maybe not literally, but it’ll happen.

“Alright, munchkin,” she sighs to Ada who is still tugging at her hair, eyes moving around at all of the excitement, “let’s go see the people who are about to smother you with love.”

“Oh, I’m so happy to see you,” Belle laughs, quickly walking past Liam and Henry to get to her, wrapping her in a side hug so that she doesn’t physically smother Ada. “And she’s so big, oh my goodness. You’re not supposed to be this big.”

“You want to let your aunt Belle hold you?” she asks Ada, brushing back her hair while she tries to judge how wary Ada is of her.

“I promise I don’t bite, darling,” Belle whispers, running her fingers up and down Ada’s arm until she starts giggling, her laugh like a little scream. Emma takes that as a good sign as she hands Ada over and let’s Belle hold her for a moment.

As long as laughter is the only screaming that’s happening, they’re good to go.

“Hi,” she waves to Liam.

“One moment, Birdie, and I’ll hug you. I’ve got to put this strapping young lad down first.”

“I thought you said I was cool.”

“Strapping is a cooler way to say cool.”

“Cool.”

If they say cool one more time, they’re going to be Jake Peralta.

But Liam puts Henry down, his hair all askew from being moved around, and then he wraps her in one of the tights hugs she’s ever felt, cupping her head to pull her in closer.

He’s so much like David it’s ridiculous.

“I’m so happy to see you and to see that smile on your face. I’m sorry that my brother is an idiot who thought that he was doing the right thing by stepping away from you. Most dumbass decision he’s ever made.”

She nods into his chest before pulling back and smiling at him even as water pools in her eyes. She loves Liam a hell of a lot too. “I completely agree, but I’m sure you have plans to chew his head off later now that you can see him in person.”

“I have an itemized list.”

“Of course you do.”

It’s a bit of a mess getting everyone in the car, especially with luggage and kids and the busyness of the airport during the holiday season, but eventually everyone is strapped in and she’s driving out of the congestion and back to the house, only stopping to let Liam and Belle get some coffee and something to eat that’s not out of the kitchen at home. They’re going to be subjected to she and Killian cooking for an entire week, and while she thinks they’re pretty good, she doesn’t want to force others into it completely. By the time they get home, it’s already past lunchtime, so while Liam and Belle settle down in the living room with Henry as she’s sure he bugs them about presents, she takes Ada upstairs and undresses so she can feed her.

“I’m exhausted, bug,” she sighs, leaning back against the bed but making sure not to move too much as Ada looks up at her, the green in her eyes shining through as she looks up at her. “You’re exhausting, your brother is exhausting, and we have so many people in this house that I have a feeling that I’m going to be faking some of your feedings just so I can leave the room.”

Ada doesn’t say anything back, obviously, so Emma continues to brush her tufts of hair back while she looks over toward the window, midday light shining through the window over the seat. She needs to fix those pillows up.

“I love our family. I do. But your mommy needs a break. I think Daddy and I need to go on vacation together. How do you feel about spending your first Christmas without your parents?” Ada bites down, hard, and she nearly cries at the pain that it causes her. Breastfeeding is bonding and a way to help provide for you child, but damn, isn’t there anything about childbirth that’s not painful? “You’re lucky you’re cute, kid. I mean, I’m a little biased, but I think you’re one of the two cutest kids in the world. I’d never leave you for Christmas either. We’re going to have a good one. All of our family is going to be here, and you’re going to get lots of gifts that you won’t fully get.”

Honestly, with Henry she was alone all of the time, so the full on conversations were pretty frequent. They happened every day. She’d tell him about groceries that needed to be bought or about her disagreements with a plot in a television show. She’d tell him when she missed Neal or when she was having a really good day. She told Henry everything, and even though she’s not always alone with Ada now, she does the same thing. She knows that it helps their development, but it comforts her to be able to talk to this little human being who relies on her for life and comfort and love. She obviously doesn’t remember her life as a baby, but she knows that she didn’t get this kind of love.

All she wants in life is for her kids to get all of the love she didn’t.

There’s a knock on their door, and after she tells whoever it is that she’s breastfeeding but that they can come in, Belle wanders in with a timid smile on her face before she comes to sit on the bed, the mattress only moving the slightest bit underneath her.

“She is so much more precious in person, Emma.”

“Thank you. I hate that we can’t see each other more often.”

“I know, I know,” Belle sighs, reaching over to tap her fingers against Ada’s arm, Ada’s eyes moving to look for Belle. “If we could somehow relocate my family or yours, that would be just wonderful. I miss you all far too much.”

“The same here. Did you see Henry at the airport? Killian’s going to be so much worse when he gets home. I’m surprised he isn’t coming home on his lunchbreak to see you guys.” “That’s because he’ll need more than an hour to talk to Liam. I’ve never seen siblings that close.”

“They’re definitely special, but enough about then. Tell me what’s new with you. I’m so sorry I’ve lost touch over the past few weeks. It’s been – ”

“Insane,” Belle finishes for her. “Your life has been insane. I can’t even imagine. Liam has told me a little that Killian has said, and I am so dang impressed by you and your strength.”

Her cheeks flush. She’s never been great at accepting compliments, but especially when she doesn’t feel like she deserves it.

“It’s been hard. I honestly think the emotional turmoil has been about the same as when I was told Neal died. And it doesn’t help that both times I’ve been through things like this, I’m still extra hormonal from giving birth. I think – if Killian hadn’t gotten his head out of his ass and started talking to me when he did, I might have really gone crazy.”

“I still can’t believe he tried to break up with you.”

“I can. It’s Killian. He’s this honorable man who doesn’t believe that he deserves the good things that happen to him. He puts everyone above himself, even when his plans backfire. And just the…the guilt has been hard on both of us.”

“I’m sorry,” Belle tells her, reaching her hand over to squeeze Emma’s shoulder while Ada finishes eating, a little burp emanating from her as Emma sits her up on her stomach. “But I’m glad you’re a bit better now, especially in time for the holidays. I’m so excited to be here with you.”

“Me too. Now seriously, lady. Tell me about your life. How’s the library now that you guys got that donation?”

“It’s good. I mean, it’s wonderful. I love my job, even with all of the ridiculous people who come in. But I’m in the process of starting a new after school care reading program. It’s a bit much because of all the paperwork that I have to do, but it’s coming along.”

She twists from her spot and presses her lips into a smile while she plops Ada down in between the two of them. “I’m, like, ninety percent sure that you’re secretly a superhero.”

“Well, I do own a pair of glasses that obviously hide my secret identity.”

“I knew it,” she laughs, adjusting her sweater and tugging up her jeans. “Seriously, though, I’m proud of you. You and Liam are going to take over London…or at least increase the literacy rates and then fix all of issues with shipping or whatever logistics Liam does. I don’t ask because it’s so damn boring when he gets into it.”

“Trust me, I know.”

She and Belle hide away in her room for the next hour, catching up on absolutely everything she can think of. They’re in the middle of talking about the new Red Rising series when there’s a loud bang downstairs that has both of them raising their eyebrows. With a shake of her head, she scoops Ada up and walks downstairs with Belle to find Liam and Henry sweeping up glass from a lamp that they knocked over when they were very obviously building a pillow fort in the living room.

“You are forty three years old, babe.”

“You’re never too old for a pillow fort.”

Liam’s right. You’re not. Well, they all are except for Henry, but they do have Henry and Ada who are definitely not too old for a pillow fort. So even though she knows that it’ll drive Killian absolutely up the wall when he gets home to see their carefully cleaned (all Killian as he prepped for his family to fly in) living room filled with all of the blankets and pillows in the house, they spend their day making the best fort possible. Henry loves it and hams it up for Liam, and she feels this absolute lightness in her heart that she hasn’t felt in weeks.

Things are so damn good now.

They get even better when Killian walks in the door after work. She can’t even greet him before Henry is running up to him and tackling him, telling him all about how he just has to see the fort they’ve been building and how it even has snacks.

(She has no idea when he got snacks to hide in there.)

Killian flashes her a confused smile, his brow raised, and she smiles at him as she watches him walk the few feet through the archway and into the living room where Liam is casually sitting propped up against the couch with this smirk on his face that is obviously a part of the Jones DNA. She both hopes and doesn’t hope that Ada is going to develop one.

“Hello, little brother.”

“It’s younger, you ponce,” Killian laughs, walking toward Liam and grabbing his hand to pull him up off the ground so that they can wrap their arms around each other in what has to be the tightest embrace she’s ever seen.

She can feel the tears stinging behind her eyes, a sob catching in her throat as she furiously blinks to try to keep herself together. She knows that Belle is doing the same thing. Liam isn’t without his own set of issues. He’s far too protective and a little judgmental at times, but it’s because he loves Killian so damn much. They’ve been through so much together, fought through so much, and even though she knows that she and David have a close bond, it’s nothing like this.

All she wants is for Killian to be happy, and she’s glad that he is.

When they pull back from each other, Killian immediately moves to hug Belle, smothering her a little less, before he’s coming over to greet she and Ada. It’s so different than this morning and yet so similar as Killian slants his lips over hers in a kiss that’s a bit deeper than their usual greeting.

Not that she’s complaining.

The rest of the evening the house is full of the gentle roar of conversation and of laughter as everyone catches up and entertains all of Henry’s stories and suggestions. He’s definitely loving all of the attention, and after Neal texts to say that he’s going out to dinner with one of his support group friends, they all decide that a formal dinner at the dining room table is unnecessary when they can have pizza under Henry’s magnificent fort with the dull glow of Christmas lights reflecting through the sheets.

Even after Liam and Belle excuse themselves early to go to their hotel, taking a cab instead of having one of them drive them there, the four of them stay under the fort. It’s going to kill Killian’s back, but she doesn’t think he minds as he reads one of the Nancy Drew books to Henry. She’s not sure which one in the series they’re on now, but Henry is absolutely in love with them and is always trying to figure out who committed the crime before they’re even a quarter of the way into the story. She knows that they’re a little on the mature side, but Killian always skims ahead to make sure things are okay first.

Ada lets out a loud gurgle when Killian is in the middle of a sentence, and it stuns them into silence as she stretches out over Emma to claw at Killian’s face, grabbing onto his lips and tugging.

“Ada, my love, I know Daddy talks a lot, but I don’t think that’s any reason for you to try to rip my lips off.”

She giggles at that, as if she knows what Killian is saying, and until Henry falls asleep, Killian multitasks by trying to read to one kid while the other adamantly refuses to let him. It’s complicated, but it’s nothing they’re not used to.

She’s glad for it.

“I don’t want to move him,” she whispers to Killian as Henry sleeps on the pillows next to her, his body curled into a small ball while she’s wrapped around Killian’s waist with her right leg stuck between his thighs, Ada sleeping on top of his chest.

“He’s eight. Sleeping on the floor won’t kill him, so I say that we let him.”

“Do we have to sleep here with him?”

Killian hums next to her, and she can feel his arm move underneath her head before his hand starts tugging on her hair. “I won’t be able to move until the new year, so most likely not. Plus, we’ve got to get our little lady into her crib.”

“True.” She cranes her neck up to quickly brush her lips against his jaw. “Are you happy that Liam and Belle are here?”

“Beyond. I don’t – I don’t have the words. I feel like we’re finally getting back on track.”

“You still feel like that even though we’re going to have to clean this up in the morning?”

“Swan, believe it or not, I’m beyond thrilled that there’s a mess in this living room. You and Henry and all of us have so much going on right now and in the future and I…it’s nice to have little moments like this.”

She reaches up to caress his face, running her fingers over his beard as the familiar tears sting behind her eyes. She thinks she can see them in Killian’s as well, but it’s difficult to tell in the darkness.

“I love you, you old sap.”

“And I you.”

[thekidwiththehat-blog1]

Hat Kid :D

eyes:   blue | green | brown | hazel | black | grey | red | other |

hair:   blonde | brown | black | red | ginger | grey/white | multi-color | other

skin:   pale | light | fair | freckled | tan | olive | medium | dark | discolored |

gender:   male | female | trans | cis | no gender | agender | demiboy | demigirl | other

orientation:   heteroromantic | homoromantic | biromantic | panromantic | aromantic | demiromantic | other

species:   human | undead/vampire | shapeshifter | demon | angel | witch/wizard/sorcerer | incubus/succubus | other

education:  high school  | college | university | higher education | other

living situation: lives alone | lives with parents/guardian  | lives with significant other | lives with a friend | lives with siblings | drifter | dorming | homeless

parents/guardian:  mom | aunt | dad | adoptive | foster | grandparents | family friend | orphan | other

relationship:  single | crushing | dating | engaged | married | separated | it’s complicated | poptarts are good

i’ve been:  in love | hurt | sick | abused | killed | backstabbed 3+ times

i have a(n):  learning disorder | personality disorder | mental disorder | anxiety disorder| eating disorder | substance-related disorder | n/a

things i’ve done before:  drank alcohol | smoked | done drugs | stolen | gotten into a fist fight | gone to the hospital | been arrested | gone to jail  | used a fake id | gone to a rave | killed someone

positive traits: affectionate | adventurous | athletic | brave | careful | charming | confident | creative | determined | fearless | generous | honest | humorous | intelligent | loyal | modest | patient | selfless

negative traits:  aggressive | bossy | cynical | envious | fearful | greedy | gullible | jealous | impatient | impulsive | insecure | irresponsible | possessive | sarcastic | self-conscious | selfish | unstable | Do if ya wanna!

[wereseoyoung]

Soft Bias Tag💞

I was tagged by @injunnietheintellect

who is your bias?—  i have like 50+ so im just gonna go w one of my first biases after i got back into kpop, Jin

what made you notice them?— just his sense of humour and his overall personality, n the tone of his voice, n his laugh 

what’s your favourite thing about them?— i love his laugh, and the way he smiles, and his confidence, and his voice, and his personality

who would initiate skinship more?— fjkhkjdshfj my affectionate headass

who would hog blankets more?— if we’re both awake, me but if were sleeping he can have them bc i get way too hot when i go to sleep

who would be more clingy?— fhjksk ME BITCH

who would say ‘i love you’ first?— MY HEADASS MY DUMB HEADASS

who would be more easily flustered?— guess what? it’s me again bitch i’m flustered way too easily and jin is too suave n flirty n confident

what cuddling position would you two have?— i personally would be a big fan of me lying down on top of him but i’m not opposed to being crushed by him bc he’s way taller than me

which color remind you of them and why? — black??? idk why maybe because he’s mysterious and private but like black can be a mix of all colours right?? he’s so multifaceted but so secretive and like idk

what season would you like to spend with them? — autumn because it’s my favourite season shsjsh I’m a selfish bitch sue me

which one of you would make bad puns and how would the other react? — he’s making the bad puns I might laugh I also might scream into the next dimension

who would bake cookies and who would steal the batter?— cookies are one of the few things i can bake so i’m baking the cookies and he’s judging me the entire time but we eating the batter together

who would want to adopt 50 dogs and cats? — me well known animal lover would adopt them all in a heartbeat

which one of you would nearly burn down the kitchen trying to microwave a poptart and who would come to the rescue?— IM THE ONE WHO BURNS DOWN THE KITCHEN AND COOKING GOD JIN HAS TO SAVE MY DUMBASS

who likes to lean over trail railings and who pulls them back?— he would be the one more likely to do it cause im a pussy so i guess i’ll pull him back

what would watching a horror film with them be like?— me and jin watching a horror movie??? un-fucking-likely

who would be the cheesy flirt and who would be the smooth flirt?— jin is both. you heard his dad jokes?? but he also a suave motherfucker meanwhile i cannot flirt w someone to save my life

who is more competitive?— both and it’s gonna get H E A T E D

who would have to be given constant reminders (reminders to eat. don’t forget your keys, etc)?— my dumbass who forgets to eat and can barely take care of herself

who sends memes and who sends cute “i miss you” texts at 3am?— both of these are ME i am a meme woman but also a soft woman

I tag @someplacewitty @wooyujinseol @bbhs-chopstick n @yukuwu and of course anyone else who reads this that wants to (pls tag me if u do I want to read them all!!!)

[iantomckay]

It me. Ur Secret Santa

A/N: I don’t usually write McPricely so things may seem off and wonky. I apologize

There was a certain peace brought about by the presence of a soft and sunlight streaming gently through the gaps of the curtains. Connor McKinley was awake enough to notice them, to appreciate the sharp contrast between the cold air of the apartment and the warmth that came from being buried under a small mountain of soft blankets. With the muffled sound of Christmas music and the faint smell of breakfast wafted in through the door, Connor had his answer for the lukewarm empty space beside him.

Kevin stood in the kitchen making his usual favorite breakfast, pancakes. He’d said it’d been a sort of tradition for the Prices, having a large family meant food in batches were a logical solution and a time saver. Wearing a dark green Christmas sweater, Kevin looked up upon hearing Connor entering the room.

“Hi sleepy head. I was wondering when you’d get up. I was almost worried you’d sleep through Christmas.” He greeted, flashing that dazzling smile of his. They’d been together for a while now, about a year, in fact. Everytime he smiled, Connor found his heart racing, his face growing warm. He couldn’t help but smile back.

“Well now, I’d say that was a very far fetched worry. You know I’d never miss it. Not when we’ve put in hours of work to make this place look fabulous.” Connor answered, that grin on his face betrayed feelings he’d never tried to hide in the first place.

The apartment wasn’t very big but it was enough for the two of them. Walls were decorated with shiny sheets of paper, small paper snowflakes covered the wall. Lights were strung up along the corridors, some staying lit while others blinked on and off. If there was one thing that Connor had learned during his time as District Leader, it was how to make do with a small budget and even smaller supplies.  He beamed at them whenever he walked past.

“Today is going to be perfect, I promise. I already planned out everything we’re going to do today.” Kevin babbled on, while simultaneously tending to the stove. Under the veneer of being a model mormon- neat, polite, good looking and well versed in the Book- Kevin Price was just a big kid who never really stopped dreaming, stopped hoping.

It was one of the things Connor liked about Kevin. Yes, there were the godly good looks that Heavenly Father himself must have crafted, but deep down there was that innocence and drive to do his best that he found appealing. It had been love at first sight for the then love starved Elder McKinley. Yes, he’d admit it now, that he’d fallen head over heels for Kevin simply because he was cute. There had also been the fact that he’d heard great things about Elder Price and the very slight possibility that ‘confused’ to Kevin meant the same ‘confused’ as him.

“You know, most people don’t plan out every minute of their holidays. Most people use the holidays the relax.”  Connor pointed out, pretending to gently chastise him.  He set the table as Kevin finished his job in the kitchen. Finally setting them down Kevin swatted Connor playfully.

“It’s our first Christmas together. I just wanted it to be perfect.” Kevin explained before digging in.

“Knowing you, I shouldn’t be surprised, should I?” Connor prodded. “I love these pancakes, Kevin. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of your cooking.”

“I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of seeing you loving my cooking, either.” Kevin laughed, getting some syrup on his sleeve.

“Kevin-!” Connor pointed out, eyes wide.

Kevin looked down at the now dirtied sleeve. Frantically he started wiping at it with a napkin.

“Kevin you can just get another sweater.” Connor sighed as he started to get up.

“It’s just a little bit of syrup, it’s not that big a problem, Connor. Really, it’s fine.” Kevin responded, as he continued to dab at it.

“It’s going to be sticky the rest of the day.” Connor pointed out, less than happy with the turn of events. It was a small mishap really, but Connor liked to be neat and clean when possible. He’d learned to cope with all the dust getting into the Mission Hut back in the day, but it didn’t mean it didn’t drive him crazy.

“How about I wear one of my Disney sweaters Arnold got me last Christmas?” Kevin asked, ready to compromise.  

“Why do I feel like this was on purpose just so you could wear the Mickey Mouse sweater?” Connor asked, leaning back. “Yes, of course. You can wear it. The tree already has a ton of Disney ornaments, I suppose this wouldn’t make a difference.”

It was true, the tree was decked out in mostly disney characters. Between the strings of multicolored lights and a few traditional, plain colored bulbs were an armada of small figurines hanging on the branches of their fake tree. A tiny Aladdin and Jasmine flew on their magic carpet, while Belle and The Beast danced together, holding hands a branch next to them. It was as if the entirety of Disney World had been vomited up on their tree…and Connor didn’t mind. Kevin was more than ecstatic when Connor had finally agreed to let him have that.

Kevin’s eyes lit up and he disappeared to their room. Not five minutes later, he reappeared, donning the red sweater with the cartoon mouse’s face staring at him goofily.

“I’m just letting you know I’m not wearing matching couple sweaters with you.” Connor told him as he took a drink of the coffee Kevin had made. The taste was still something he’d have to get used to but the caffeine did help with the odd sleep pattern he’d developed over the past decade of so of ‘turning it off’.

Kevin sat down, unperturbed by his boyfriend’s refusal to don a Minnie Mouse sweater next to him. “Aw, come on Connor, it wouldn’t be that bad.”  He laughed, as he continued eating.

“Why do I get the feeling that’s one the present you got me this year.” Connor asked, shifting in his seat.

Kevin stopped, staring at him. “Did you-?”

Connor cut off Kevin before he could properly ask his question. “I didn’t peak, don’t be silly. I like surprises too you know. In fact, you’re my favorite surprise of all.”

Kevin raised his eyebrow, “Didn’t you know Arnold and I were coming to Uganda before we arrived?”

“Not that, but yes, I did. I think I got the letter about a few weeks before you arrived.” Connor remembered those days. Letters and even more paperwork arriving at his desk. An endless stream of papers that needed to be written and signed and budgets that needed to be allocated filled his days. He’d long since stopped actively taking part in trying to baptize the Ugandans. Their first few attempts had proved fruitless and after becoming District Leader, he’d had a lot less time to do things. Elder Thomas had played his right hand man in helping to run and organize the other Elders when Elder McKinley couldn’t.

Last he’d heard, and he kept in touch with Poptarts and Church who had since moved in together, they had recently visited both Mrs Church and Poptart’s sister at their graves. Connor had invited them over for Christmas but they decided to spend it together, mourning Church’s loss.

“The letter spoke highly of you, it gave us promise that maybe we wouldn’t fail. They really did make you out to be the perfect Mormon.” Connor let out a slight snort. “Imagine my surprise when I thought you might be having the same thoughts and worries that I did. I thought I wouldn’t be alone.” Connor spoke quieter now, looking down and away from Kevin. He knew that Kevin wouldn’t judge him, couldn’t, not when they were together. Still it made him feel…almost sick as he confessed. “As…as selfish as I might have been, I wished that…you were struggling too.” Connor closed his eyes, trying to ignore the queasiness in his stomach as he thought too deeply about the past. He had to keep moving forward, keep looking forward. As long as he had Kevin he would be fine.

He felt Kevin’s arms wrap around him, burying his face in his shoulder. “Hey, hey, it’s okay. You don’t have to think about that anymore. You have me now, and I have you. As long as we have each other, we’ll be fine.”

Connor lifted his head, swallowing hard. He tried to push the past away…the irony was not lost on him. He didn’t need to ruin the day, didn’t want to cry. On Christmas of all days, he shouldn’t be reliving old wounds.

He took Kevin’s hand, giving it a squeeze. If Connor ever needed a stronger reminder of how far they’d come, this was it.

“I’m sorry, it’s Christmas, I shouldn’t…shouldn’t be-”

“It’s ok to be upset. Remember what you said? You weren’t going to turn it off anymore.” Kevin whispered quietly in his ear.  The Christmas music had been replaced with the old radio drama of ‘A Christmas Carol�� in the background.

“You’re-you’re right Kevin. I just didn’t mean to ruin your perfect Christmas plans.” Connor opened his eyes again, gazing at the Christmas tree in the corner, the small stash of presents huddled under them, waiting to be opened.

“Did you want to open presents now?” Connor asked, changing the subject. Upon seeing the concern on the other man’s face, he added quickly, “I’m feeling better, Kevin. Really, I am.”

Kevin reluctantly let Connor leave and make his way towards the tree. Picking out one of the presents he handed one to Kevin.

“I don’t remember which one this is, but I think you’re going to like it either way.” Connor said. It was medium sized, white with little red and green hollies peppering it’s shape.

“If it’s from you, then I’m sure I’d love it.” Kevin reassured him before opening his present to reveal a peculiar black package of coffee beans.

“I remember you ranting about how Starbucks doesn’t ‘do coffee right’ so I got you an extra special bag of your favorite beans. I think I got the right ones.” Connor had never gotten a hang of all the coffee lingo, the ‘subtle’ details that went into making the right cup of coffee. It was mind boggling how much Kevin knew now.

Kevin’s face broke out into a huge grin. “I love it, Connor. I can’t wait to try it.” Getting up, he knelt down by the tree and pulled out a pink present. There was no questioning who it was for or from.

A gift basket lay within, sporting some bath bombs, nice smelling soap, stress toys and chocolates. Connor had an idea of what he was looking at. He looked back up at an anxious and expectant Kevin.

“Do you like it? You’ve always been working so hard, I’ve been worried.”

Connor’s chest fluttered. “Is it really that obvious?” He asked, racking his mind to remember if anyone else had noticed it as well.

“We’ve known each other for years now, I think I can tell when you’re feeling stressed.” Kevin laughed, sitting down next to Connor.

“I love it. Really, I do.”

The next few hours went by blissfully as they opened the remainder of their presents, some from their fellow former Elders. Among them were a swiss army knife and a small wooden figure, both sent by George Michaels…the Mormon, not the Musician. Poptarts had sent them some baked goods, which were thankfully still fresh by the time they arrived. The blue cloudless sky faded into orange streaked indigo as Christmas day was turning into Christmas Night.

If every generation had a Christmas tradition, theirs was watching all the Christmas specials, no matter how bad they may be or how many times they’d seen the same specials over the years. Right now they were in the middle of Rudolph the Red nosed Reindeer. As if listening to countless variations of the same five or so good Christmas songs weren’t good enough to drill the story of the poor deer into everyone’s mind from the time they were small children.

“My brother Jack loved this movie. Did I ever tell you of the year he was so obsessed with it that we play it all year when he was six?” Kevin told him, stretching as the clock got closer to their usual bedtime. Neither of them had to go back to work until New Years, but they had no intention of staying up until midnight. Besides, the movies would all end when the news came around nine or ten. By then the world would have had their fill of Christmas cheer riding it until New Years where they’d soon return to their ordinary lives and fall back into the routine.

“Does he still listen to Christmas music?” Connor asked, resting his head against Kevin’s shoulder.

“Of course. A true Price never runs from holiday tunes. It’s one of the few times that Dad would let us be…you know, kids.” Despite the cheer in his voice, there was a tinge of sadness in the undertones of it all.

Connor hesitated, knowing they were flirting with a dangerous subject. He’d heard a number of things of Kevin’s childhood and how they shaped him into the person he was today. Kevin had heard his childhood as well, but he wasn’t shaped as much by that as he was by his teen years.

“I believe you told me that before, with Orlando?” Connor reminded him, shifting on their couch. After hearing so much about Orlando, he’d never knew the full story for the longest time. Considering how often Kevin practically dedicated his heart to it and Disney, one would assume that would be the first thing he’d explained.

It was one of the last, one of his most treasured memories. A cornerstone of his whole person.

“Yeah, Orlando. We should go there someday.” Kevin replied, the slight waver in his voice becoming more apparent.

“I’d like that, Kevin. Just you and me. Maybe some of the other Elders. A real family trip to Orlando.” A promise, a thought, a wish- something so faint and translucent formed between them. A plan with no real beginning or end, no meat behind it besides wishful thinking.

Connor could feel his throat tightening up as thoughts of his family- the other McKinleys wafted through his mind. He remembered the smell of his mom’s food. The sounds of the usual Saturdays where his dad and his other brothers would eagerly listen to the radio or if they could, catch a game on the tv. His sister’s squeal of delight whenever Connor would push her on swing, or play tag with her. He wasn’t the youngest, but he was always willing to play with her.

He didn’t want to, but he saw in his mind’s eye, the empty spaces he would have been. The dining table, the couch, the place where his presents would be under the tree.  His mind conjured up conversations they were and weren’t having. Conversations without him, conversations of him. Futures where he was lying but they still loved him, wanted him. Cherished him. His parents would beam down in pride when he graduated, when he got his first job. They’d go live their lives but still together, never truly alone.

The warm, hot tears were coming down hard now. He couldn’t fight it, that less than subtle loss that had plagued him-no, them- ever since they decided they wanted to commit, to be willing to throw away everything for the sake of each other. Kevin loved Connor and Connor loved Kevin. Still, the phantom uncertainty of whether they were right in the long run hung around like a fog. Never heavy enough to crush them, for them to move out of way. Never light enough to simply hand wave away. The only path left for them was to go forward, going back was something they could only dream of. Always out of reach, a phantom of their past.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright, Connor. You-you have me. I have you.” Kevin reassured him, his voice thick with his own sorrow. Red, wet eyes with tear trails down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry, I wasn’t going to…wasn’t going to- I just…how do I not think about them? I know I can’t-can’t go back but- they’re my family, Kevin. They’re our families.” The movie on the TV lost it’s realness, mere background noise full of now distant holiday spirit. The reminder that good things happened no matter what, that there was some kind of light at the end of the tunnel. None of it felt real.

Mickey’s big wide eyes stared back at Connor, blank and questioning.

Wiping the tears out of his eyes as well as Connor’s, Kevin drew him close once more. Connor always loved Kevin’s hugs, the warm, sheltering embrace. It felt like confidence, that he’d been right in trusting his feelings, to risk it all for a chance of happiness. True happiness that was what he really wanted. Love, a person he could be open and free with. It was a reassurance that it all mattered in the end, that despite of everything…no, because of everything that he was, that had happened, it was worth it.

“I miss them too, okay? I miss Jack, and Lance and the twins.

And-and life isn’t-isn’t fair. It sucks  but in the future…in the future maybe they’ll see that they were wrong. Maybe they won’t, but they say that family isn’t who you’re related to, but who you choose. And I choose you. You chose me. Together we’re going to make it.” Kevin held him tighter if it was possible, as if he were afraid Connor would slip or float away.

That speech, it was something straight out of a Disney or even a cheesy romance film. It was full of sweetness and promises and hope. Comforting words that spoke of a happier future, of hardships and love that would last forever. Was it full of idealism? Yes. Was it realistic? Connor wanted to believe.

So he did.

It was one of their happier moments from when they were together.

[honeydewlance]

random voltron headcannons: 

hunk: 

hunk really loves food, okay? But you know what one of his favorites were? celery. he is absolutely amazed at how much you can do with celery. i mean,,, you can put peanut butter on it and then another time you can put ranch on it. he just loves celery. 

He is most supportive friend,,, but he can’t help but feeling really replaced when Pidge finds Matt. He’s really happy for her, sure, but... He can’t help but feel selfish for wanting to hang out with his best friend again. 

Lance isn’t hanging out with him much either and he doesn’t know what’s going on with that. He figures he’d rather be alone then third wheel and impose with Pidge and Matt.

Shiro and him don’t have much in common so he tries to make small talk with him but really they don’t talk! Hunk is Shiro’s Space Son™. They cuddle and Hunk uses him as a shield when he’s scared but other than that, they aren’t as close as Hunk is with Pidge and Lance!

pidge: 

nothing

there is nothing to say here right now 

im sorry pidge

i love you my pansexual bby

matt:

bisexual co space daddy™

lance: 

uhhhh,,, he seems really depressy in the latest season am i right? 

he misses his family lots

he is pining boy for shiro n keef 

one night he asks hunk to come into his room and cuddle him while he’s crying bc he misses keef’s emo ass but he also loves that his crush is achieving shit. 

he knows that shiro and keef love each other but he really wants to be with them both. 

hunk is his late night teddy bear. he sneak in and cuddle v tightly until crying lance falls asleep 

he doesn’t even cry half the time, sometimes he just stares numbly into space while hunk is cuddling him and think about all the ways he could confess

or die, depending on the respective mood

but he’s usually strong about it. sometimes he just needs to let it all out too. 

sometimes he calls in hunk just to cuddle while he’s happy

baby peen lance

that sure doesn’t razzle dazzle anyone

shiro:

he has keef’s gloves (yes that was me mei) 

he can’t even put them on. he just holds them and imagines he’s holding keith’s hand. 

he once went on an all meat diet at the garrison and he couldn’t fucking do it and gave in to eating a poptart 

keef: 

he’s a uhhhh,,, strong boy

he loves shiro with all his heart

caring boy 

no one can defeat him if he’s looking out for his frens

got really depressed without the whole gang

already emo but this time he tried to kill himself 

i mean, sacrifice,,,, himself,,,,

still slept with a stuffed animal until he didn’t have one in space anymore

his teddy bear is now shiro 

this all i got,,, take it