#she hears some new fucked up shit and just does her monthly call telling him her hours

[langernameohnebedeutung]

the fact that the hospital therapist has canonically been trying to get him to come see her for years. truly, the man, the myth, the character.

[josyards]

AFTG Instagram HCS

Andrew

Andrew has social media, but it's a faceless 'user929485829394' kind of account (or aminyard maybe... but nobody thinks it's him) that has no followers because he just goes on there to keep up to date w stuff.

All the foxes find it eventually because someone (Nicky...) saw it open on his phone & the fans are so confused why the foxes all follow this random anon account

(Andrew deletes his account the second people start to realise who the account belongs to and makes a new one that only Neil knows about)

(Nobody questions why Neil follows a random anon account that is private because it's so... Neil of him. So nobody realises that it's Andrew this time around.)

With his only audience as Neil, Andrew posts a little. Not a lot. But it's nice, Neil thinks, when he opens Instagram to see that default icon with the ring around it.

Neil

Neil doesn't really post much but when he does it's of other ppl (primarily Allison and Matt but sometimes there is a 'soft launch' of Andrew which the goalie says he hates but never tells him to delete), his account is mainly centred around exy -- all his stories are exy related etc.

Sometimes he tags Kevin in random shit that makes no sense to anyone but them. One time he reposted this random french tumblr post about mafia relations and tagged Kevin and Kevin was hysterical because what the fuck are you doing neil are you trying to get us killed.

Funnily, his pfp is a photo of Kevin smashed drunk because he found it really funny and Kevin ends up blocking Neil on social media when he refused to change it (and because of the shit he gets tagged in).

Kevin

Kevin keeps his Instagram very professional. He posts his magazine photoshoots & has stupid shit like clips of him on Kathy's show saying. "Thank you for having me @kathy, it was a pleasure." and the fans EAT IT UP.

The foxes don't let him live it down and every time he posts anything the foxes all repost it w stupid music or something like that, or just with "HAHAHAHAHAHAH".

But that's not just it, sometimes Kevin posts photos from practice; sneak shots that nobody realises he's taken. It seems sweet; it would be sweet if he wasn't such a raging asshole when they practice. He also posts their match scores on his story.

What shocks the foxes the most out of everything is how open he is about his obsession with USC Trojans. Sometimes they wonder whether they accidentally followed a Trojan fan account but no, it's just Kevin Day shitposting about Jeremy Knox.

Nicky

Nicky predominantly posts loads of selfies and shit, lots of candid photos of the others!!!! He does 'camera dumps' and 'monthly dumps' of photos. He posts everything that he can and his story is like a vlog.

He's also very outspoken with his opinion of social media and goes live all the damn time. It drives the monsters insane when they hear "hey guys!" from their living room.

He actually gains quite a bit of attention as the only fox who isn't completely shutdown secrative about his life and so his reason for posting is fed constantly.

He likes to do those "ask me question" stories and it's really entertaining to see him suddenly rush up to one of the foxes and ask questions that the fans want to know. If you're a new fan, your go to Instagram is 100% Nickys. His highlights are full of info on everything and everyone.

It surprises the foxes immensely when they find out his Twitter time is more than Instagram.

Allison

Allison is similar to Nicky in some sense but more professional, it has more of a 'model/fashion student' vibe to it; she likes to post random stories of her having dressed Neil up (bonding she calls it) and has a little highlight for him (the foxes appreciate her efforts).

She likes to do reels, like "dress up neil w/ me!". She also does advertisements w/ skincare & makeup groups.

She has a very aesthetic-looking account; she likes to do GRWM's (and sometimes they star a fellow fox which makes the fan so excited for each new release). She's extremely charismatic and draws a lot of followers from industries other than sport/exy.

Dan

Dan posts about Exy A LOT which surprises the foxes because even though they know that she loves the sport they didn't realise she followed it with such ferocity.

She has a lot of Foxes content on her page, like group photos or post-match selfies etc. She always posts something like that with the score of the game in the caption.

Her pfp is either one of her and Matt's eyes or a photo of them kissing at the end of a game (maybe the Raven one?).

Matt

Matt's Instagram is a shrine of Dan...andNeil. His focus is largely selfies w them or candids of them. He has highlights for them, named "<3" & "Neil!" (they used to both be <3 but then someone asked if they were poly and the foxes lost their shit).

Matt doesn't really post about exy that much, his Instagram seems to capture the domestic side of the Foxes that don't get shown too much through the other's accounts.

Matt's favourite passtime is posting photos of Neil where he blatantly crops Andrew out of the photo. So you get: Neil looking in adoration at... someone? something? The fans go crazy every time.

Renee

Renee's Instagram is the epitome of domestic. It's crazy. She's private and only accepts people she knows (aka the foxes). She posts the most beautiful candids of the foxes you will ever see; them in their Halloween outfits in Eden's Twilight, (an extra slide of Andrew and Neil looking at each other (it was a collective agreement to ignore Kevin who was slumped on the table)), them post Raven match which was taken by Stephanie Walker, a games night which Neil somehow coaxed everyone into (including Andrew) etc.

It's an account almost solely for documenting the PSU Foxes adventures together. Sometimes she posts a quote about her beliefs or music that she likes.

Her account is the foxes favourite, though they'd never admit it.

Even at gunpoint.

Aaron

Last (and very much least), Aarons Instagram (post book three) is almost entirely soft-launching Katelyn.

Library study photos where you can see a girl's hand and someone else's book?

Check.

Two coffees one which has a lipstick stain on it?

Check.

He's done it all.

(Pre-book three as well) He also sometimes posts random photos of like locations (#courthouse /j) but nothing more than that, all of it is Katelyn and it makes the foxes ill.

I may do more. or edit this

[xwendigox]

Wendigo News

Heys guys! Really sorry for the inactivity. A lot of health stuff going on.

Finally went to an orthodontist because I can actually afford it with my insurance through my job. Told me my jaw and all are gonna be one of their more difficult cases but it’s fixable. 2 years in braces. 🫠 Totally not a confidence sinker. But at least I can say good bye to jaw pain and lockjaw and hello gorgeous confidence boosting smile!

Had my monthly visit to my psychologist. She literally like a mom to me. Since my biological parents neglected me and left me for dead and then my adoptive parents abused me for 15 & 1/2 years until I finally ran away. My “new” family, I ran away to live with my friend who helped me, are amazing. Consider me own of their own. 😭 💕

Back onto the topic lol. We were just chatting about a visit I had with my adopters (I don’t call them my parents. You lose your title as a parent the second you harm a child, in my eyes at least. The wife was the main abuser. The dad just stood by and let it happen because the wife would turn on him if he did). I’m still in contact with them because my biological brother is still with them. He was too young for me to be able to safely and legally run away with him. He wasn’t a legal adult at the time.

I ended up just like spewing out like all these stories of the things she used to do to us that I thought was normal. Some, obviously I knew was abuse. Other were more covert. Like less obvious. And I was telling her how like the first 6 months in my new family just fucked me up mentally so hard. Because the dynamic was SO DIFFERENT. Like sure, there were arguments and all, but they were still respectful. There was no name calling. No degradation. No manipulation. None of that. All the things I was used weren’t happening. It was a complete and utter culture shock. Which is how I came onto just spewing out all these stories.

Fast forward to afterwards, my psychologist just sat there in silence for a good minute or two. Then she was like, “That’s not crazy. That just plain cruel and sadistic. The shit they did to you is fucked up and heart breaking. That shit fucks you up bad.” And like I couldn’t help but laugh. Idk. Laughing about it kinda like helps me disconnect from the trauma. It hurts just thinking about it. Y’a know? But she ended up asking me if I have a therapist. I told her no, because with Covid, everyone got booked. And then finding a good one is hard too. So, she told me, “Don’t worry about. I’m going to find you a therapist, and a good one. You need to talk that shit out. Get that shit out of your system.”

Since talking about that I’ve kinda been out of it. Like I knew what they did was bad, but like hearing and seeing my doctor’s reaction when she’s probably dealt with hundreds of patience like this kinda puts it into perspective. Y’a know? So, I’m trying. I’m not spiraling. Just kinda trying to process it all I guess.

Sorry for ranting. I know some of you are gonna be like, “Wendigo, like why are you saying all this?” Like I know some won’t care. That’s fine. I just know that maybe someone out there will read this and be like “I’m not alone.” Kinda thing. And just knowing that, helps things feel more bearable. Yes this shit is hard to read an all. But I’m not going just be silent about it. That’s what they want you to do. Im going to talk about it. Make people aware. When you live through a situation like this, you quickly become a specialist lol 😂 like I’m constantly studying and learning about my diagnosis. About my CPTSD, and how its the parent of my bipolar disorder, about my autoimmune disorder, etc. You have to be because you’re going to be living with this for the rest of your life.

You don’t “get over it”. Your body holds memories. It’s why you flinch at anything. It’s why you feel constantly alert. Even if YOU do NOT remember, your body does and reacts accordingly. Shit doesn’t disappear. You just learn how to handle and live with it better. I’m not trying to sound depressing. It’s just what I’ve learned.

So if anyone ever needs to rant, ask questions, or just talk to someone to get shit off your chest, IM HERE. My messages are ALWAYS open to you. It’s a safe place here.

[iconic-ponytail]

there's always money in the banana stand

riverdale promptathon week 3: yellow + business

Even as the sun sets, even as the breeze blows, the hell furnace of July in Riverdale burns on. It’s triply as sweltering inside the tiny booth running three freezers, offloading heat to sustain the frozen merchandise inside. “How can it be so hot in there when we are supposed to be selling frozen bananas?” JB complains, at least twice a week.

She’s twelve. Complaint is her new first language. She complains about being left in Riverdale while Gladys went back to Toledo. She complains about living in a trailer park that usually does not have warm water. She complains about their father being imprisoned for covering up a gruesome murder. But most of all, she complains about working in the banana stand.

Child labor laws aside, Jughead can’t blame her for that one. He hates the damn banana stand, but it’s their best shot.

Gladys’ monthly check covers rent and utilities for the trailer. Everything else is on him, now. The idiot eighteen year old who decided to petition the court to be his sister’s legal guardian. Well, and his idiot mom who signed off on it. So he needs money, and the Jones family has never been particularly flush with cash, just trampled over by FP’s failed “business opportunities.”

Enter: the banana stand.

It’s not the fastest revenue stream, Jughead finds. But it’s got potential.

Initially, Dilton doesn’t let him sell during the Twilight Drive-In’s concession stand hours. Before or after the movie, sure, but no overlap. “I’m not worried about competition, Jones. It’s just too humiliating for me to watch you sweat through that horrible yellow polo you call ‘branding.’”

But when customers asked him more than twice a night when the banana stand would be open, Dilton caved.

It’s not like being open during the screening hours is a whole lot more preferable. He only just transferred from Southside to Riverdale High last spring; now he’s the rising senior who hands out phallic symbols from inside a giant phallic symbol. Not exactly a boon to his popularity.

Still, recently the money is enough to pay the internet bill and keep JB fed for dinner when she can’t go to the summer breakfast and lunch program at the local park district. It’s still not enough for him to eat particularly well, and the smell of hot dogs and slurp of his classmates’ slushies makes the heat feel like a minor inconvenience.

He eyes the tip jar, willing himself to wait on rampaging the concession stand until the beginning of the film roar dies down. It’s a double feature tonight, which means maybe he can score enough cash to cover those damn college application fees his counselor will start hounding him about week one of school.

Then he sees her—Betty Cooper. She’s laughing, watching Archie Andrews try to catch popcorn in his mouth, tossed by his paramour, Veronica Lodge. She pauses to sip from her slushie straw, her lips—which he’s watched argue against homophobic and racist comments in their advanced lit class, or pressed to the cheek of her other best friend, Kevin Keller. Which he’s imagined, doing slightly less savory things, though the mere thought of said imagining has his heart pounding wildly.

(Jughead’s been eating way too many fucking bananas. Someone needs to check his potassium levels.)

His absolutely pathetic gaze, once available three times a day in their shared classes where Jughead has still not managed to exert any confidence whatsoever regarding speech, eye contact, or general acknowledgement of Betty Cooper’s existence other than whatever drooling may or may not be happening, all of which he finds he has no control over… is all interrupted by the absolute polar opposite of Betty Cooper. Hiram Lodge zooms up to the banana stand on his segway, angling to a stop just before taking out the stand’s foundation.

“Still getting a hang of that, Mayor Lodge?”

Hiram grimaces. “Just checking that you’ve renewed your business permit, Jones.”

They do this once a week. It’s still the same permit.

“You know,” Hiram starts as Jughead rustles for the paperwork to make him go the fuck away, “I could find you an arrangement with a better banana supplier. For a discount. If you’re interested.”

Jughead rolls his eyes. “I’m not interested in your GMO, black market bananas, Hiram.”

Hiram gives him a pointed look. Jughead rolls his eyes even harder. “Mayor Lodge.” He proffers the papers, Hiram waves them away. “I’ll take one chocolate peanut butter dip. With peanuts.”

Jughead kisses his teeth. “That will be $3.50.”

Hiram’s whole face goes serpentine. “Not between business partners, Jones. Put it on my tab.”

Jughead grits his teeth, handing the finished banana so aggressively he hopes that the chocolate splatters and stains Hiram’s $500 tie. It is only slightly worth it to watch Hiram struggle with navigating the segway one-handed, frozen banana in the other.

He muffles a chuckle before realizing he’s used the dead end of the chopped peanut topping, and exits the stand to update the order board hanging on the outside. It’s mostly an excuse to feel a ten degree drop in temperature, a sweet relief he might be able to extend by grabbing a hot dog before the intermission rush.

He’s crossing off peanuts from the topping list and spinning around when he hears a shriek and a sudden, cold slosh across his chest. The yellow polo drips with artificial blue slushie, but Jughead swallows his fucking hell when he sees that the shriek, gaping stare of horror, and stumble in question all belong to his very own blonde kryptonite.

“Oh my god. Oh my GOD, jesus, shit, I’m so sorry!”

Jughead is frozen while Betty grabs about half his napkin dispenser and starts pawing at his shirt in a vain attempt to right the giant sticky blue mess all over his chest.

Finally, Jughead swallows the golf ball in his throat and chokes out. “Honestly, it’s fine. That stand is a sauna. I needed that.”

Betty stops, both her blotting and her stream of apologizing (which includes a fair bit of cursing, and he is a little revolted with himself by how much this turns him on).

“It’s going to get very sticky, soon. Maybe I should buy a bottle of cold water?”

Jughead can’t help himself. “Oh, impromptu yellow t-shirt contest?”

Betty grins.

I did that.

“Do you have any employees who could bring you another shirt?”

Jughead shakes his head. “Just my sister. She’s playing video games at home. There’s no earthly way she’ll bring me a spare.”

Betty cocks her head. “I had a feeling you were more than the silent back row kind of guy.”

The fact that Betty Cooper has, at any point, considered what kind of guy he is triggers full-on nervous blathering. “I’m usually very tired at school. I have this little sister—but I’m kind of um, her guardian. So I’m doing this stupid banana stand thing because it’s like one of the three assets to our entire family name I guess? Anyway, it’s hard to engage with Haggly’s basic discussion questions at eight in the morning when you spent the whole night dreaming about wholesale banana margins.”

He’s essentially vomiting words, but Betty is still smiling.

“Anyway, I should crawl back into my fruit-shaped purgatory and let you go back to your friends.”

She’s biting her lip, hedging. “Honestly, they’re probably using the alone time to make out in the car, and I’d rather let them get all their sexual tension out so that I don’t have to feel it radiating off of them for the whole second half of the double feature.”

Jughead laughs and tamps down the impulse to offer her a frozen banana, because he cannot possibly say something like that without making it sound sexual.

“What are frozen banana profit margins like, anyway?” Betty asks, either genuinely interested or legitimately flirting with him. Jughead finds both potentials baffling.

Jughead hesitates, then ducks inside the stand, pulling out his spiral bound notebook. “I’m still kind of figuring it out. All my records are in here.”

Betty sidles up to the stand, taking up the whole window. They’re both leaning over the scribbled line items on college ruled paper; he can smell her shampoo. She takes the notebook, scanning thoroughly.

“Do you have a pencil?”

He hands her one and observes her going to work, writing out some algebraic formula and calculating quickly in her head. There is a calculator within his reach, but he thinks handing it to her might come off as an insult. (Jughead wouldn’t know; he assumes Betty is in an advanced math class. Jughead is not.)

After a few minutes of watching her devoted focus, thinking about her hands touching his pencil, thinking about her hands wrapped around his hand, or his—

“I don’t know how to tell this to you, Jug.”

The shortening of his name stops his heart for a jolt, and his response is embarrassingly delayed. “What is it?”

Betty winces but smiles through it, a combination she’s surely learned to use when delivering bad news. It’s well earned, it really does soften the blow.

“There’s no money in the banana stand. At least, not with these margins.”

Jughead finds himself less than devastated by this news, mostly because it makes a hell of a lot of sense. The messenger doesn’t hurt, either.

“But,” she interrupts. “I don’t know if you’ve nailed down your course load for senior year. But I’m taking AP Econ? This could be, um, a good project. Like, if you want to take the class. Or even if you don’t. Not that you’re like a project or… whatever. I’m just saying we could figure it out. Make lemonade out of… bananas.”

Betty Cooper is extremely cute when she stammers.

Jughead doesn’t know what to do, so he gives her an easy out. “I can’t like, hire you, if that wasn’t obvious by the whole… deficit spending or whatever the whole negative circled number at the bottom of the page really means.”

She flushes. “No, that would be highway robbery. I just thought there might be an… opportunity. For um, us. I mean, for you and I. I mean—” she clears her throat, as if it’s closing up. “An academic opportunity. Or, in your case, professional. Well, a betterment of your livelihood. Okay, um, shit, just… I should go!”

She turns away, her face the deepest scarlet he’s ever seen.

“Betty, wait.”

She pivots back, eyes down at the ground.

“How about I buy you a new slushie and you come back into the booth. Tell me everything I’m doing wrong for the rest of the night.”

Betty looks up, biting the corner of her smile. “Sounds like a deal.”

They shake on it.

[sasa-gay-yo]

Just Us (Chapter Fifteen: Dedicate Your Heart)

← Chapter Fourteen

I thought I was going to die. Sitting there hearing his pompous ass ramble on about how better his life than ours in the Capital was going to make me go crazy if he didn’t stop. He seemed to enjoy it too. The way his lips curled into a smirk when he heard Jonas groan next to me as he went on and on about the luxuries of the capital and what the Military Police get for their monthly bonus. I was just trying to keep my best behavior up because Ben had threatened Jonas and me before this meet-up. It was even worse than I thought it was going to be too because Catrin wasn’t there to talk over him. I’d rather hear her babble on about her baby and hair salon than whatever shit is coming out of his mouth now. Duran was point-blank lying about all of this and you knew it. MPs just sit around and do nothing in the capital, and now he was accepted to join a special team that was so top secret, he could only tell us every detail? I didn’t buy it. Also, how was he considered an elite soldier? These were all the thoughts running through your mind while he talked. 

“That sounds like an amazing opportunity for you Duran. Maybe we can visit you as a family in the capital after your training.” I also laughed at Ben’s proposal, knowing good and well I was never going to willingly venture onto Duran’s turf where he can bullshit to us even more. If anything, we should show up at a random time so he’s taken by surprise and can’t cover up his lies with a few changes of cash. 

“But enough about me,” he feigned, “What’s been going on with you all here back home?” Ben looked at Jonas and me, then to his wife, and realized that he was the only one willing to talk, so he started off about his job and the cafe. I knew I’d be next, so I was trying to build some narrative in my head that Duran couldn’t pick apart. In the middle of the part where I’m trying to figure out how to not tell him about closing the shop for a period of time, Jonas kicked me under the table. As annoyed as I was, when I saw him move his head towards the back door I was the first one out of my chair. 

“Fresh air,” I mumbled, before walking out, not hearing Duran’s comment when Jonas got up to join me. 

“Those two finally together?” I slammed the door, forgetting that Jonas was right behind, and he walked out holding his head. I mumbled sorry before starting up the ladder to the roof. The spot that Jonas and I always went to do nothing. Once on the roof, it gave a nice view across Trost and I could see the top of the walls where the guns and Garrison sat in wait. A few days ago, the whole of Trost was awoken by cannon fire, and it took all but two hours for the café to be bustling with the rumors that the first titan had reached the outside of Trost. To say it was scary was an understatement, but it was overly annoying that now the people were rejoicing how close the Scouts were to save Trost if anything happened. I don't remember those praises when the mission to reclaim the wall had happened. How easily they could switch up because they needed personal protection astounded me. After that incident, the Scouts had allocated a few people to stand watch every day at the wall to kill any abnormal or call for help if the titans that destroyed Shiganshia were back again. It was morbid, but I was waiting for the day that the Colossal Titan, as people were calling it, reached a hand over Trost’s walls. Staring at them now, I could just picture it. 

“Penny for your thought, Ev?” Jonas took out a pack of cigarettes, a habit he acquired in the past few months, and got something out of his pocket to light it. The roof and outside of my apartment was the only place he could do it without getting yelled at by Ben or his roommates. I had done my best to warm him the first few weeks, but he seemed not to care. Still, I had no idea why he started now when he had years previous to do it.

“Thinking about when the Colossal Titan reaches Trost.” He took a drag and just nodded, counting on comments of morbidity to come from my mouth. It was a common theme now. 

“Anything else less… intense? I’m trying to have a relaxing time up here before I have to go down and listen to Duran’s mouth.” I smiled lightly, dangling my legs off the edge of the building. I had to think of something else to say because that’s truly all I was thinking about. These days, I don’t try and let my mind run.

“I was thinking about paying a few petty gang members to jump Duran on his way back to Mitras. You want to donate a few notes?” He sighed, this time shaking his head, but I could see the smile on his face. It was a tempting offer for the day we’ve had to endure. 

“Unfortunately, my crime funds have run low. If Catrin was here, she’d donate though.”

“She would.” The wind whipped through once, and I put my arms around myself, regretting not storming out with at least a jacket. It was almost winter. One month till the end of the year. Six months. 

“How long did Ben say Duran was staying? Am I going to have to entertain him tomorrow in the café?” Jonas snuffed out his cigarette on the brick before leaning back a bit to feel the wind enter his ashed lungs. 

“The week I think. At least he’s not staying in your old bedroom. Now I can’t stay at home when I want to for the next week. I have a double shift in two days and it was so much easier to come back here and sleep.” I groaned. God, I was going to have to entertain him and his new happy-go-lucky attitude. That was the worst part. While he was still annoying, braggy, and covertly malicious, the only thing that changed is that he seemed less interested in fighting outright. Actually, it was even more annoying because there wasn’t anything to call him out for upfront. He hid his ass well and Ben seemed to be eating up this fake persona.

“At least Ben isn’t forcing you to make food for this fucking family picnic inside the walls. It’s your fault for telling him about the meadow. I have no idea why now Ben feels like we need to be a family again, I’m almost thirty.” Jonas huffed one in laughter.

“I could think of a few reasons why, but I’d like to keep the peace we’ve made tonight.” I nodded, knowing what some of those reasons were.

“I’m glad you’ve made that decision.” He threw the cigarette off the building and I watched it fall and hit the ground. The last spark flew out of it when it hit the mud, and quickly burnt out. I just stared at it for what seemed like forever. 

“If you went back to your old self, you know, became happy again, I’m sure Dad wouldn’t force you on family picnics.” Ah, there it was. The daily comment about my state of emotion. It was different than last time. I wasn’t crying anymore and I didn’t show up to the café with bloodshot eyes from no sleep. No, I was calm. I was living on spite. There would be no tears for someone who would never drop them for me. There was anger. Definitely anger. Sometimes it came out too. The latest victim was Elias who had spilled over a whole pail of water and I yelled at him loud enough for Jonas, who was outside throwing away garbage, to hear. I bought him any sweet he wanted from the corner shop to apologize. He wasn’t the only one I’d let my anger out on. 

Hange visits me now. I don’t know why she does it, and every time she sits in his seat. At first, it was annoying to be reminded of him, but I grew to like her conversation. Once, however, she talked about him, and I yelled at her to stop. She seemed used to it for some reason, not even flinching with my harsh words. Even after, she continued as nothing happened and let me feel guilty. The last time she came, about the same time the first titan reached Trost, I treated her to an extra tart because of it. 

“This is me now, Jonas. Pretty much.” I pushed back the skin on my nails knowing he would protest that. 

“No, it’s not. I’ve never seen you act like this. This isn’t you.” I just hummed, agreeing so he would stop pressing it. I’d try my hardest every day to not think about it. One-track mind. 

“You two! Come back down! It’s time for dessert!” The door slammed behind Ben, signaling he’d gone back inside after yelling at us. Jonas stood up before I could say something back, motioning that the conversation was done. This is how it usually went. He was too overwhelmed with the fact that I had no emotion anymore and then just left the conversation. 

“Well come on then.” 

For the rest of the week, my detest towards Duran was building. He came every day to the café, dressed up in his MP uniform, and talked to everyone like he owned the place. Some of the older women also flaunted over him, remembering the days he was here and making some form of fake past where he actually stayed in the café. I couldn’t even remember a clear time when he was in the café while I was working, and I worked there every day. They must have remembered something very, very different than I did. I just stood there and watched with distaste and told all my grievances to Jonas.  On the day of the picnic, I was about to completely snap. 

The family picnic had included Elias and June and Jonas’s sister. Elias and June had come to the café that morning, asking if they could stay with me since their family was starting another cult meeting and I agreed, knowing it would be a welcoming distraction to Duran. We were now waiting outside Jonas’s house. Waiting for Duran to put his stupid MP gear on. He thought the citizens of Trost would marvel at his status, not having any MPs here, but I told him that they’d rather spit on him. That set him off once, but he easily controlled it. I guess this new squad needed him to control that nasty ass personality to be in it. Good.

“And the person who bought the book said that it was like brand new! Mr. Philpa even commended me on my work! I really think I’m starting to get the hang of it.” I mustered to give June a smile, trying to keep her happy atmosphere up. I would need it today if I was going to be forced to listen to Duran for hours now. Since I insulted him this morning, I was going to have a target on my back the rest of the day. That was very clear when he complimented how well my makeup covered up the huge black circles on my face. Passive aggressive ass. 

“Alright, everyone! Time to head out!” Ben was over the moon that his family had gathered to do something. He was the family man, always. It was probably instilled in him by Mrs. Flynn, at least that’s what Catrin had said, and it was getting to be annoying. I could come to their house to eat, but to forcibly make me make food for Duran who was just going to complain about the flavor? I couldn’t handle that. I swore up and down the kitchen when I was making this last night. As we walked to the Trost entrance, Duran just kept talking, and even at the front of the pack with Jonas and Elias, I could still hear him rambling. It was giving me a headache, which was a telltale sign I was going to burst any minute. This is always what happens when I yell at someone. The anger builds up into physical pain, and I can’t get rid of it any other way. In the dead of the night, I’ll wake up from a dream and find no better remedy than yelling Fuck really loud. It’s embarrassing when I forget Jonas is usually on my couch.

“You good?” Jonas leaned in to whisper in my ear and I just looked at him out of the side of my eyes. He got the memo and continued talking to Elias about his school work. It was too loud in this part of Trost, and Duran’s stupid voice was even louder. This coupled with the fact that people would stop to talk to Ben or even me was getting to be way too much. This is why I stayed in the café most of the time. 

“Eva, haven’t seen you come this way for a while,” the Garrison captain called out from where he and the morning watch were playing cards on a barrel. At that moment, I vividly remembered punching him in the face, and I was tempted to do it again as he stopped the whole party to talk to me. The way he said it was definitely hinting at the fact that I was no longer in his secretly assessed relationship. 

“I’ve just come when you’re not around, Captain. Probably drunk in a pub somewhere.” Duran was the first to hop into the conversation, ready to begin a military circle jerk. 

“Evylnn, that’s not how you talk to a military member! Good morning, Captain.” Duran held his hand out to the Captain who gave one weary look at it and shook it. He remembered Duran correctly and he knew how much trouble he’d gotten into as a kid. He was also probably surprised that he had an MP uniform on when he would throw rocks at the Garrison.

“I don’t know what it’s like in Mitras, but that’s how we talk to them here in Trost, Duran. Then again, what would a military mouse like you know?” He turned and glared, making me reminisce about the real Duran. The signature glare was still there. You just had to wait for it.

“We’re just leaving, Captain. Sorry to bother you!” Ben grasped my shoulder, hard, making me pay for what I’d said to both the Captain and Duran. He pulled me too, right to the front where Jonas and the kids were standing. While he pushed me, he whispered a threat in my ear. 

“If this picnic is ruined by you, you’re paying.” I didn’t react, even though I wanted to roll my eyes at him. It wouldn’t be my fault if I said something to make everyone uncomfortable. It would be Duran’s fault because he provoked me. I just tsk-ed as he let me go and started walking back to join Analee. 

“You don’t know how bad I want to ruin this picnic now, Jonas.” He sighed, but I could definitely tell it was to hide a laugh in front of Elias and June. When we got to the open gate, the Garrison soldiers saw my glare and just let us through without any protest. Usually, this large of a group would be questioned thoroughly, but since I was in it, they knew not to ask me anything. Duran seemed surprised by this and stopped to yell at them for not doing their job, holding us up again. I just stood there, halfway through the tunnel as he blabbed on and on able the Garrison's responsibility like he was their boss. An MP wasn't going to boss Garrison members around, but here he was in his arrogance, trying to do that.

“You don’t know how to do your jobs! If there’s a group this large the-” 

“Scouts are coming!” Someone yelled from above the wall, and when I looked out the entrance, I could see the horses nearing the walls. They were leaving late today, but how could I forget it was the first of the month. 

“Please, Miss. Flynn, we're going to ask you to move and stay here till the Scouts progress through. It won’t be that long there isn’t a lot of them.” I was touched by one of the Garrison soldiers, and I quickly shrugged their hand off of me, not wanting to move. I could see Erwin now in front of everyone, and subconsciously I was looking for the black hair. Jonas was the one to come over and drag me to the side of the tunnel so I wouldn’t get trampled on impact. 

“How could I forget?” I whispered, and I knew he had heard it. Technically, there were supposed to leave by the time I woke up today, making sure I never was tempted to look out my window when they left. Whenever they came back, I would sit in the back room too. I was making such an effort to never see him, but now I was forced to stand here as the Garrison blocked the two sides of the tunnel. Duran and the rest were held back and only Jonas, Elias, June, and I stood in the tunnel. I couldn't even hide. I was there in plain sight and I knew I would be face to face with him. I hardened my face quickly as they approached. He wasn’t going to get to see any emotion from me. Just like he did to me. He stood on his horse right next to Erwin and right in front of me. I didn’t even look at him like I said I was going to do. I stared right at Erwin who was stopped by the Garrison squad leader to do a head and supply count. 

“Commander Erwin!” Elias called out, making everyone who didn’t care about our presence now look right at us. I felt the eyes. I heard some of the whispers. Some of them didn’t die between then and now, and they remembered my face. It was telling too that I couldn’t stare at Levi, but I didn’t feel his eyes on me. He didn’t care about me. I had to remind myself about that. He didn’t care. That’s why he left me. He used me. I just had to tell myself this over and over again to try and forget. I was doing so good recently too. I’d only think about him once a day now, but this instance was going to ruin it. If I even glanced and met his eye, it would all be gone. 

“Hello, Elias. It’s been a while since I’ve seen you. You’ve grown,” he looked over to me, noticing that the two of us were just glaring at him instead of looking at each other, “Eva. It has been too long.” I fought back the urge to scoff, but I knew I had to respond. I had to let him know I wasn’t hurt. 

“It has, hasn’t it Commander. If you come to the café with Squad Leader Hange, I’ll treat you.” I smiled. The best smile I had mustered in months. He needed to know I was done. I was past him. I didn’t need him. I didn’t think of him every night. I didn’t regret not sleeping in my bed once with him. He needed to know that I didn’t. 

“Of course I’ll take you up on that offer, Eva. Well, we’ll be off.” He nodded down to the Garrison soldier and they moved the blocks out of the way so the horses and carts could continue. When his horse started walking, I thought it safe to look at him. His eyes were filled with that one emotion. The one that was there when he had nightmares. When he confessed his feelings to me. When he told me about his life in the Underground. The emotion, still unnamed to him, I had labeled pain. He was in pain. I hoped my eyes didn’t display the emotion that I was feeling either. With one look up, and one sheer shot of pain through my heart, I looked back down on the ground. He knew. He knew exactly what I’d been through. What I was thinking. And it was sadistic of me to think that for one second that that look of pain was because he missed me. No, it must have pained him to see how hopeless I was. It must have further proved that I couldn’t live without him. Pain. I was feeling pain. I was feeling it this whole time. These whole six months. 

“You may carry on, Mr. Flynn.” 

“I didn’t know that you knew the Commander of the Scouts, Eva. Fitting.” I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath. He was talking about Kristian. I handed the picnic basket of food to Jonas and took one look at Duran and smiled wickedly. 

“I’m sorry you’re jealous that I’m closer to high ups than you’ll ever be, Duran. Maybe if you got on your knees for them like you probably did to get on this special squad of yours, then you’d be in my position. Sorry brother, but I’m not hungry anymore. I’ll be cleaning the café.” Ben didn’t stop me, but I knew he was mad. I’d ruined his figurative perfect family picnic and now he was going to have to deal with a pissed-off Duran and talk about me the whole time. I did feel a bit guilty, but I just couldn’t stand being there. Not now. I took the long way home, making sure not to cross the main road, and walked up to my apartment from the back. I shut all my windows too. Loud. Hoping that maybe if he was situated outside my window in formation, he would hear it. 

I left those upstairs windows closed for what felt like forever. Jonas would always complain how stuffy it felt with no light besides oil lamps in the living room, but I always yelled at him if he went to touch them. I need to stop myself from being tempted. Every first of the month, I would hear it. I heard the horses and the carts match forward. I listened to Erwin’s speech each time. Every speech had a similar form and ended with the famous line shinzo wo sasageyo. There would be some lowered shouts and then they would all ride off to the other gate into the land of the titans. Give your hearts. How to give your heart when it’s in pieces? That’s what I thought every time and if the windows weren’t closed, I would have looked out to see Levi. Was he looking up at the windows like he used to? Giving me a firm nod before they left, only to do the same when I saw them come back. I wanted to know so bad, so that’s why I kept them shut. If I looked and he didn’t do it, it would ruin the illusion in my mind that somehow he still had feelings for me.

Eren, Armin, and Mikasa came back too. One last time before they were off to training camp. I was touched that they would remember my single act of kindness, and I treated them to their last sweet meal for three years. 

“If we can write letters, Miss. Eva, I’ll write one to you.” Armin told me in confidence, and I nodded, telling him that I would like that. Even if I’d known them for so little, it was hard to see them off to training camp. They were cadets now and Eren was still going on about killing all the titans. I guess it was a bit refreshing to see such passion in his eyes, but it still scared me a little. I told him to calm himself down before they stepped off back to their last night in the Garrison storeroom. They waved, even Mikasa, and I made them take a little food-to-go. Once they were done with training, they would be stationed in Trost as cadets before going to be Scouts. They would visit me then, they promised. I would be able to see them all grown up. I also told them that I would probably be able to see them when they graduate regardless, but it gave something for the others to look after. Armin and Mikasa seemed much less enthusiastic to go out in the field and kill titans.

“Their names are Eren, Mikasa, and Armin. At least, Eren said he wanted to join the Scouts.” I passed the cup of coffee over to Hange who seemed to be scribbling furiously in her notebook. I had to even light a candle since she had stayed so late, stuck by some inspiration. After their last exhibition, she’d gotten to study a titan’s gut up close and she said she needed an extra dose of coffee to be able to draw everything. 

“If they want to be in the Scouts that bad they will. Only the top 10 people get to be an MP and then the rest usually go to the Garrison. Scouts are a special breed. We usually only get twenty in good years.” I took a sip of my coffee, not caring about how long I’d stay up tonight. I’d probably be here talking to Hange either way. She seems to have made it her mission to not let me feel lonely. Every time she comes she has little tasks for me or something that she needs to consult people for. I never get sleep on the days that Hange comes, but I feel a bit warmer slipping into bed. 

“I have a brother who went to the MPs, that means he was in the top ten of his class?” I gave her a look of disbelief. There was no way Duran was actually good at what he did. Top ten my ass. He would be bragging about it if he was.

“The only way they would allow that if most of the top 10 pick Scout or Garrison. The MPs need to hit a certain quota every year, so that could be why. What do you think of this? Is it proportional to the titan's body?” She showed me her notebook and pointed to something that looked like a small intestine. I shrugged.

“Hange, I don’t know what titans look like.” She sighed, nodding. 

“You’re right, I forget that you aren’t a Scout. You know, you’re the only person who isn’t a Scout that I know.” I didn’t know if I should take that as a compliment or not. 

“Don’t you have a family, Hange?” She pulled back the notebook and erased the part she pointed out at me, redrawing it. 

“Well, yeah, but they don’t count. It’s just my parents and they don’t really care about titans either. I think they’re just fascinating.” I gave her a light smile before turning to look out the window at the setting sun. The snow was starting to melt now, but relatively early. I wondered what Eren and the others were doing. If it wasn’t dinner, then probably more training. Their first day was only a few days ago and Hange had told me again about the man who trains them. Hard as a rock and yells really loud. She didn’t have him personally, but he spent his last year in the Scouts when she had just joined.

“I wish I knew more about titans and the military. A lot of people I know are in the military, so it would make sense, you know?” She put her pencil down and crossed her hands. 

“If you want to know more about titans I can tell you about all my experiments. If you want to know more about the military, you can ask me. I’ve been there a while.” She pushed her glasses up again and I turned to look at her. Hange really was an almanac in front of me. 

“Do titans really look like they draw them in the newspaper? They look like big humans?” A finger went up as she started her lecture. 

“Titans have faces like humans sometimes, and other times their features are often... oversaturated. We have no idea why this variation happens occurs. Some look like big versions of you and me, and others look like they have giant eyes, a small forehead, and huge lips. Like three feet long lips. They’re naked too, but without human genitalia. It’s just bare down there. Most of the time, they just look like pink humans. Then there are abnormals.” 

“I’ve heard those words before,” I pointed out and she nodded quickly. I wasn’t going to tell her who I heard it from, but I’ve heard it. 

“Abnormals are those who don’t act like regular titans. They might have more intelligence or partially weird bodily traits. Some can jump, others can crawl. You probably heard it when people talked about Shiganshina. The two titans that broke through the walls were abnormal. One was taller than the walls and the other was really muscular and had armored plates on its body. And it was yellowy-orange, which is not a titan color. But you want to know why those titans are even more abnormal than abnormals?” Her eyes lit up in the candlelight, and it was almost scary how she was getting when talking about this. I wondered how the Scouts got so lucky to find someone like Hange to discover these things for them. 

“Why?” 

“They disappeared. Poof!” She yelled using her hands, “Into thin air! No matter which titan they are, the body is always there to cut into. Once we got there, both the Colossal and the Armored Titan were gone in thin air. There was no way that would happen with any normal titan. I just want to know why! This is like one of the biggest titan secrets ever!” They disappeared into thin air?

“That doesn’t make sense.” 

“I know!” She seemed delighted with this information, “You can see why people left this out of the newspapers. The citizens would go crazy if they knew a titan that was like 80 meters tall just walked off!” She went off in her usual manic laughter after that, just overly joyed that a titan like this could have an ability like that and she was one of the only people who could figure out the mystery. 

“Hange, are you supposed to tell me all of this?” She stopped laughing and blinked once or twice before breaking out into a smile again. 

“No.” This made me laugh too. That was Hange’s ability. I don’t laugh unless it’s about her. Really laugh. She says jokes or acts in a way that lightens the mood in the empty café. I thank her for that regularly.

“Hange, it’s getting late, you should probably head out. You have an expedition tomorrow… Unless you want to stay here. I have space upstairs.” This was the first time Hange had come over when an expedition was the next day. She apparently snuck out to come here and it would probably be hard to sneak back in. I knew by the way her eyes lit up too that she was going to agree. 

This is how I found that, besides the length of the pants, Hange and I were the same size. She sat on the couch, a blanket around her shoulders, staring down at the notebook with the same intensity as earlier. This would be the first time Hange had stayed over. Hange was also very comfortable with this idea. I offered her space in my bed and she took it right away. However, this began to be a mistake on my part because she couldn’t stop talking next to me. 

“This bed is really comfortable, what is it made out of?” 

“Feathers.” 

“If you had to choose between eating a whole onion or eating a cockroach, what would you pick?” 

“Can I choose neither, what kind of question is that?” 

“Okay, eaten or stepped on by a titan.” 

“... stepped on.”

“I agree!” At first, it was a welcomed distraction. When I was alone in my bed, these were the times I thought of him. Especially since I would wake up to the sounds of the horses at my front door. I wouldn’t cry anymore. It had been too long. Pretty soon, it would be over a year of loneliness and discontent. I hadn’t seen his face since the picnic disaster, and all I had of him were the letters. The letters that I now kept shoved under my mattress so that I could read them. Over and over. The letters that hid his lies. I fed into the lies too. When I read the letters, I didn’t feel alone. I would revert back to the times when I met him. The times when he wrote me these letters. When I was in love. Who am I kidding, I’m still in love. I never forgot. That’s why the letters are sitting under my mattress, right below my arm. It hurt. It always did. Loving someone who didn’t love you back. I never experienced it till now. This was how Jonas felt. 

“Eva?” Hange asked, seeing that I was staring up at the ceiling, getting lost in my thoughts. I’d have to remember that she was there. I couldn’t wake up screaming into the night like I had before. She wouldn’t ignore it like Jonas did. 

“Yes, Hange?” She shifted so that she was facing me. 

“He still asks about you.” My heart clenched and I closed my eyes. No. Not now. It was fueling me. The thought all the way back in my mind. He was lying. He did love me. 

“Does he?” It was hard to spit out and it sounded like a whisper when it didn’t mean to be. 

“I’m not allowed to tell you everything, but he does. He misses you.” 

“Why are you telling me this, Hange?” I could feel her smile next to me, and I turned my head to see it. It was a smile that was hiding secrets from me. 

“Because I want to make you two happy again. You two aren’t happy like you were before.” I sighed, turning away from her as I felt tears well in my eyes. There goes my three-month-long record of no crying. 

“He doesn’t love me, Hange. You of all people know that.” She tsk-ed, just like him. 

“You’ll know soon. Both of you will. I know it.” I sniffled once, and she already had her hand on my back. Great. She heard me. Was she going to tell Levi about this? 

“It’ll be okay, Eva. Trust me.” 

The next morning, she woke me up. She was already dressed and hopping around the apartment and I just took my first few steps out. The front windows were open too, for the first time in months. The light was radiating down onto the kitchen counter and living room table she was currently sitting at, gathering her things.

“Good morning, sunshine! Isn’t it such a nice day to go see some titans?” I huffed once, rubbing my eyes to get them more awake. This was the earliest I’d been up at in a while. Only Hange would say something like that this early in the morning. 

“Don’t you need your gear?” I walked to the kitchen, looking out at her in the living room. 

“Moblit will bring it. He knows I’m here. He’s a member of my squad.” I nodded, turning on a kettle to make hot water for coffee. I’d offer it to her as retribution for comforting me last night. Maybe I’d ask her to not tell him what happened either. I didn’t want him to know I was still weak after all this time. She just looked down at her notebook, writing more and more things in it, a book to her left. I never knew how she could read so much. 

“Coffee?” I offered to after I poured some, but she shook her head, saying it would make her even more jittery during the expedition. I could already see that when the time entered for the horses to be filling up in Trost’s main drag that she was shaking, not with fear, but excitement. What a weird girl, I thought, shaking my head at her. We talked a bit here and there about the expedition's plans, but at this point, we were both waiting for the Scouts to come and pick her up. I was planning too. Planning whether I would close up those windows as she exited.

When they finally came, she did something unexpected. She grabbed my wrist, letting me put on some proper shoes, and then pulled me down my front stairs to hundreds of eyes preparing for take-off. It was a bit embarrassing that I was just in a single nightgown in front of all of them, and Hange seemed to forget I was only wearing sandals as she pulled me.

“Moblit!” She yelled and pulled me into the middle of the Scouts. Now, I was feeling really watched. Those who survived had now seen my face for the third time. When Hange yelled, a long-faced blonde turned around, ODM gear in his hand. He looked shaken too like he was about to get yelled at. 

“Moblit, this is my friend, Eva! I was having a sleepover at her house last night. My gear, thank you!” The blonde man, Moblit, dropped her gear and bowed to me. I bowed a little bit back, putting my hands on my arms. The morning was still not yet a summer one, so wearing nothing over my slip was making me start to freeze. Everyone here had on a coat and the signature green cape while I was bare. 

“Hello, Moblit,” I managed out and he turned to Hange to talk about something. I just stood there, not knowing if I was able to just leave, or if Hange had wanted to talk more. With every passing moment, I was getting more and more anxious about seeing one face in the field. That’s why I was staring right at Hange, eyes not moving anywhere no matter how tempted I was. 

“Oh my goodness!” Hange announced loudly, making others turn to look again, “You’re freezing! How could I drag you out here like this!?” She turned around to look through the bags on the cart behind her. She was probably looking for something to give me so I wasn’t freezing and shivering. This probably meant that she was going to make me stand and talk to her before Erwin dismissed the families. That’s what usually happened. Some wives, husbands, and families who relocated to Trost would come in the morning to say goodbye for, possibly, the last time, and Erwin would politely dismiss them before giving his big shinzo wo speech. 

“Moblit, do we have any extra capes, I can’t find on-” The green dropped over my shoulders rather sloppily, but I could feel the warmth left behind by the previous wearer. I didn’t want to turn behind me to see who it was though. I knew who it was. So did Moblit. So did Hange. So did the others who were still looking at me. They knew who had given me the cape, and they were surprised at the generosity. I was scared. Scared of the generosity. What did it mean? How did it align with what Hange said last night? 

Mint, lemon, and cedar. 

“Please, don’t expose yourself in front of my cadets.” The horse trotted off to the front, but his foot lightly brushed my back. Just that one touch. That one single second. It sent a chill down my spine. It had been so long since I’d touched him. The last time was our last goodbye. Just like the families here in Trost. I’d held him on my doorstep, right before the expedition, not knowing that it would be our last goodbye.

Hange stood up, giving me the same smile she did last time. It said those two words. Trust me. What was Hange doing? Had she changed his demeanor? Why could I still feel that chill down my spine? Why was I holding his cape so close to me when I should’ve been throwing it on the ground? 

I took the cape off my shoulders, taking one look at it before giving it back to Hange. I wouldn’t let him do this. I wouldn’t let him care about me. The chill, however, was unbearable after I handed it back. It wasn’t just the chill of the morning wind anymore. It was the chill of his eyes still on me as I handed it back to Hange. 

“I-I need to get the… the café, yeah, I need to get it ready.” She nodded, the smile still on her face, and I turned around to go back up to my apartment. 

“That’s cute! Haha, look at this, Moblit. Levi marks his cape with a little L so he knows it’s his!” I stopped walking. I was at the edge of the Scouts, all of them behind me, yet if I looked to my side I would get a view of him. He was always on the right of Erwin. So, that’s what I did. After Hange said that, I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and locked eyes. There it was again. Pain. His eyes were full of pain. Vivid pain that made me feel it too. My heart twisted inside, and I was so close to getting caught if I didn’t stalk up the stairs to my apartment and close the door. I crouched down, my back against the door, the tears coming again. Pain. That’s all I felt. Pain. Why had he done that? Why was I suffering this whole time? Why had he put an L on his cape? What was it supposed to show me? Why were we suffering? Why couldn’t he just tell me plainly? Why couldn’t I understand what he was doing? Why? Why? Why? 

I cried through Erwin’s speech, his words a lot louder this time. They were echoing in my head. About sacrifice. About saving the world. Everything that would make an apprehensive cadet ready to go outside the walls and die. And then he ended it. That one phrase. 

“Cadets! Scouts! The people of Trost! Shinzo wo sasageyo!” The cries lifted in the air. They made my head hurt. I wondered if Levi heard my cries from inside my apartment. I held my head in my hands. 

“I can’t. I can’t dedicate my heart. Not again. Not again.”

Jonas found me like that when I didn’t show up for his morning delivery. The café remained closed that day. And the next. I closed the windows back up too. Jonas didn’t question what happened either. He just stacked up the delivery boxes in the stock room and then left, promising he’d come back later when he was off. When he came back, I was still in the same spot he put me on the couch. He echoed his words from the first time. 

“What did he do?” and I just shook my head. 

xx just a cute little double update for yall

Chapter Sixteen →

Chapter Masterlist

[chemicalpink]

Genius Lab ♡ Yoongi x Reader SMUT

Pairing: idol!Yoongi x reader

Genre: smut but it does have a plot I swear

Warnings: unprotected sex (you know the deal kids, wrap it before you tap it)

A/N: I wanna give credits to youtube user Johanna Sweet for her comment on some ASMR video that just made me write this, also, I know there are synastry ships in my inbox and I’ll get to it, I just had this in my docs.

Summary: Working as a producer in BigHit has its perks, like bumping into Min Yoongi late at night on a Wednesday and have him fuck your brains out in his studio, or the one where Yoongi’s crush is a mysterious producer that also happens to be his office crush, which he ends up fucking lazily while working on some music.

You've been working all day in your office. 

Being a producer for BigHit entertainment is fun and all, but recently as the boys exponentially gained fame and the team has been pressured with the new projects for the comeback, you've been having a creative block for a while and it's hard to focus on making music. It doesn't help that you've also had a lot on your mind lately, as there are a handful of things going on in your personal life right now.

You get complacent as you look at the progress you've made so far staring right back at you from the dark screen in front of you and decide it's not a good amount for a day's worth of work. Perhaps staying for a bit more would do you some good, you’ve always been kind of nocturnal and it is late anyway, the building must be empty, but what good would that do if you can't seem to think of anything anyway? Maybe a break will refresh your mind. 

You make sure the work is saved before taking the headphones off and standing up, stretching your back from all the hours that have gone by with you hunched over the keyboard; making sure to place correctly the fluffy slippers your mum got you and grabbing your bottle from the desk,  you make a stop at the restroom before refilling your plastic drink container at a water fountain by that enormous and outstanding floor to ceiling window, it's pitch dark outside, the inside lights are dim from no one being around and through the clear crystal, you can see the millions of Seoul's city lights, the sight one to fill your heart with tranquillity.

Suddenly you hear the soft swishing of sandals on the tile floors and you turn around to see none other than a messy mop of platinum hair that you so familiarly recognise as Yoongi. He goes to a refrigerator that's across the room from you, most probably having memorised the way there as there is no light except the one coming from the machine and grabs his favourite drink. As he cracks open the lid, he looks over at you through the dishevelled blond strands of hair falling into his eyes.

"You're not going home yet?" he asks, you guys haven’t really even being introduced properly, except for those times at company meetings so this is probably the longest interaction you’ve ever had. 

"Nah, I'm working late." He nods his head at your response and takes a sip of his drink, tired eyes never leaving you. He then makes his way toward the hallway that you both came from, but you stop him. 

"Hey, um... work has been slow lately. Can I chill in your office with you?" You honestly don’t know what when through your head when the words left your mouth, it is well known that Min Yoongi is very picky when it comes to his studio, even the members could count with one hand the times they’d been inside.

He seems a bit surprised as he stares blankly at you for a couple of seconds. "In my office?" Of course, he remembers you from the meetings, and you two have only passed by each other in the company building a few times and made small talk maybe once but he would be lying if he were to say he didn’t find you attractive even in your fluffy bright pink slippers you were wearing right now.

He doesn’t know why you asked him such a question when you barely know each other, but he kind of finds it endearing. Maybe you just want to know what being in the Genius Lab is like, what all the fuzz that doesn’t pass by any of the company members being afraid of even breathing next to his studio door is about.

"Yeah. I don't know," you reply, "I just thought maybe it would clear my head, you know? You can keep working like you usually do, I won't bother you." 

He takes another sip before nodding his head again. "Okay." He starts walking down the hallway and you follow right behind until you both make it to his door and he quickly types the numbers to his password and lets you in first “Make yourself comfortable on the couch, hope you don’t mind me working with the speakers on”

You shake your head and beside his working chair at the same time he does in front of the multiple monitors, clicking away to keep on working on whatever it is that he was on. A couple of minutes went by that way, with you watching him silently as he changed tunes and adjusted keys to the track, until a soft way too familiar melody made its way through the speakers had you sitting up straight in the couch “That’s..”

“I’m inspiring myself on one of my favourite producer’s tracks,” he explained as his eyes tore from the screen to look at you “I swear they are one of the most talented producers of our time, such a shame they are a complete mystery” you swore your heart stopped for a whole second when you heard his words, Min fucking Yoongi, found your tracks to be his inspiration, he considered you talented, one of the best even “But you’re an expert too, what do you think?”

“You really think so?” 

“Yeah, why?”

“Well… I used to be so self-conscious of that track you know?” Yoongi turned to look at you like you had just grown three heads in the span of a second.

His tiredness must have really caught up to him, his mind making him imagine things, he surely wasn’t sitting next to his music crush at 11 pm of a Wednesday, inside his studio as she sat next to him listening to his track, it just wasn’t possible “Wait, so you’re telling me that-” he cleared his throat in an attempt to gain some confidence back now that he clearly exposed his crush “That you’re Moz-art? The producer?” 

His sparkling amused eyes that wouldn’t leave your face made the heat rise up to your cheeks as you looked down towards your palms playing with the hem of your shirt “yeah”

“My god” he inhaled sharply and let out a nervous giggle before running a hand through his hair, this wasn’t happening to him, but what other chance would he have? He knew he had a crush on you, (Y/N) (Y/L/N) from BigHit, of course, he had a massive crush on you as Moz-art but to learn that both of his crushes were actually the same person? And that he had you all alone for him right now? That was messing with his head; however, he was quick to place a gentle hand under your chin to lift your gaze to his, letting the silence settle in “Can I kiss you?”

The kiss started slow, timid even and honest to say, a little awkward as Yoongi refused to move from his spinny chair, until the room suddenly felt overwhelmingly hot and he felt the need to pull you towards him, making you sit on his lap as he caressed your sides. 

You kept your eyes shut tight, a moan escaping your lips as he trailed his mouth and teeth along the exposed skin of your neck and right shoulder from your shirt falling down a bit, his warm hands holding you tightly as his hard cock poked your clothed crotch and you unconsciously moved your hips against it, earning a groan from the blond man. His touch was gentle but somewhat rough as he stripped you of your black sweatpants and panties, leaning back to admire your almost naked form, your oversized shirt barely covering your centre.

“Fuck..” he mumbled as he holds you tight and lifted you a bit to pull his own baggy pants and boxers down enough to free his cock, positioning himself between your legs as he searched for your eyes to hold your gaze as you swallowed him whole, face contorted with pleasure as he started to thrust into you, reaching up to capture your lips in a kiss, one hand behind your lower back to keep you steady, the other finding its way to rub circles on your clit, making you arch your back at the newly found feeling, his mouth quickly attaching to your neck once again; after a few minutes of his cock thrusting in and out, he could feel your walls squeezing him. “Shit, cum with me baby” 

His hand picked up the pace in between your bodies, fingers expertly rubbing your clit as his thrust became fast-paced and deeper, as deep as the angle of being lazily fucking on a chair could allow you “Argh-I’m-I’m cumming, Yoongi” 

Moans filled the room as your legs shook with an overwhelming orgasm taking over you and you had to thank no one was working anymore or else the walk out of the studio would be hell, Yoongi’s voice lowered with each praise he threw your way, mixed with groans as he chased after his high, leaning back in the chair he finally stilled, cock twitching inside you as he coated your walls with his hot cum, sweaty forehead finding yours and stealing one last wet kiss from you, he pulled out, reaching behind him to pull some tissues from a box to help you clean yourself up.

You couldn’t bear to look him in the eye, unable to understand what any of what just happened meant as the last notes of your song kept playing over the speakers and he hadn’t said a word; you tried standing up from the now very embarrassing position on Yoongi’s lap only to be pulled back down by him, hand reaching under your shirt to rub your right side “Please be careful getting back home, yeah?” 

You quickly nodded, getting to your feet and collecting your discarded clothes, putting them on as Yoongi placed his back in place, hand reaching the door as he was already back to work “Oh and (Y/N)?” 

“Yeah?” you turned to face him, a small smile playing on his lips

“I’ll see you around”

As Monday rolled around and the company was called for the monthly meeting, you made your way to your assigned seat, which coincidentally happened to be just in front of none other than Min Yoongi, who was cheerily talking with Jimin, his eyes finding yours as you settled your things down, him shooting a smile your way as your phone dinged with a notification

Unknown Number [09:34]: you looked so pretty last week with those hickeys all over you

Unknown Number [09:34]: how about a round two after this? 

[loadedtoast]

36/F/NZ

I have grown weary of social media as of late. The kind of social media where everyone has an opinion regardless of its impact on others, where people can type things they wouldn’t say in person and perpetuate misinformation (I am pro-vaccination). I am also growing tired of the (barely) subliminal messaging I receive about diets and body image that troll my feeds.

But I am a social creature by my very nature. Aren’t we all?

My first blog title is a nod to my ASL (age, sex and location). It’s an ‘early internet thing’.

If you are my age, you will recall (hopefully) the advent of ICQ and MSN… The patience of waiting for dial up to connect – god forbid someone else was on the landline – after school so that you could connect with friends, strangers, potential cuties… The potential cuties however were (and still are) not always what they appear to be.

But I am not here to blog about dating. Or house prices. Or global warming, avocados or other woes facing the younger generations – am I still young?

I never thought I would say this. I want to talk about having kids.

I will declare upfront that I want for nothing. I am a reasonably successful, professional woman without kids. I own my own home (or at least half of it). I live a city lifestyle, am fit, healthy and have a wonderfully loving and respectful partner (you know, one of the types of guys that speaks up and isn’t threatened by independent and successful women) - A rarity for which I cherish more than the rest of the stuff I list above. I am sure I will write about it at some point, but he is the product of a single mother doing a fucking incredible job in the most challenging of circumstances. Hats off to her!

As I was saying. I want to talk about kids.

I have never wanted them. And now we (not I. We) want to dip our toes into the pool that an increasing number of 30-somethings decide to jump into …

I am grappling with so many things. Things that are unique to us females.

I spent my teenage years being actively taught more about how to cook, clean and be a good girlfriend than I did about my own body – stuff I am learning now in retrospect (also a probable, future blog). I went onto the pill as soon as I got my period. It was a ‘precaution’ (for whom?). I learned about my vagina because I suddenly needed to put something inside it (not for pleasure) to stop my monthly bleeding from causing me more shame than I already felt – because periods are a woman’s burden to be carried in secrecy, and to be joked about by guys when the emotions get the better of us… “on the rag?” “must be that time of the month…”.

I am now 36 and just starting to become woke (as the kids say it now).

My teenage years, I imagine, were not unique. I recall one sex ed class at high school (yes, just one hour) where we learned about sex leading to STIs (previously called STDs) and pregnancy. Pregnancy was the devil and needed to be prevented at all costs (health, time and concern - which the female generally absorbed).

We skipped the bit about consent, respect and two-way intimacy – I found out about those by trial and error.

I got through to my mid-20s and the rhetoric changed. Instead of those I looked to telling me babies were bad, suddenly, babies were all the rage. I had come out of university with my two degrees, ready for that promised career, and to travel and build the life I wanted.

I felt confused.

Now, I was never the ‘maternal type’. I wonder now if there is such a thing or if its just something that we are carefully manicured into thinking that it’s what we want all along. I never wanted baby dolls and prams as play toys. I wasn’t into pink and pretend kitchens. Instead, as a kid, I was into sports, horses and motorbikes. I climbed trees and played games that used my creativity and imagination.

So, when I reached my mid-20s and people started to ask me about when I wanted to ‘settle down and have kids’ I rejected the entire notion of it. I said I didn’t want kids. In fact, I was well known amongst my peers for saying I didn’t even like kids. Which to a point is true. I don’t like ALL kids. Some kids will not grow into good adults and I place the responsibility for that on nurture not nature. This may be controversial; however I wish to believe that we are all born into this world with the potential for good.

New-born babies were thrust into my arms, because you know, I will need practice… How come boys don’t have to hold babies? I felt awkward. Like I was rejecting something that I was ‘born and bred to do’. But I didn’t want it. Not then.

When I told people I didn’t want kids, they were shocked. Kind of like the shocked face of people when I tell them I don’t drink alcohol anymore – you know, culturally unacceptable behaviour by any Kiwi’s standards. This was quickly followed by, “Oh, you will want them one day… it will all change. Trust me”.

Patronizing much?

I can now say that I felt harassed in those moments. Let’s label it.

The questions and opinions I would get were unnecessary, unprovoked and unhelpful. I honestly wondered why everyone was so invested in my interest in procreating – more so than being interested in me as a person with my own wants and needs. I guess this was part of my training for being a mum. A call out to all the mums who work tirelessly – yes, work (you have a job and it’s the hardest job of all).

I stayed the course and purchased my own home, got a great job that I worked hard for (don’t we all work extra hard, ladies!) and I prepared myself for a life with no legacy (legacy, I learned from those closest to me, is achieved though children, not a career, when you are a woman).

And then I met this guy.

He wanted kids. I kept true to my long-held comms line (like the ‘no comment’) and said I didn’t. And then he did something that I will never forget…

He said it was my choice. My choice.

He asked me why I had made that choice – his right to do after disarming me. I said, without thinking, and for the very first time… “I’m scared”. Shit, no backing out of it now…

I was scared because alongside all of the rhetoric that is forced down our faces about motherhood were the truths. The home truths. The ones I had witnessed in person. I had seen and heard, that taught me all about the value of a woman when she becomes a mum.

Now – disclaimer – I am not saying that I never seen or heard good things about being a mum. But hell, I did see and hear more average things than good things.

I saw and heard about how all the females in my immediate sphere of trust had given their careers up (in the current trajectory that they were on or entirely) when they became mums. If they didn’t choose being a mum, they were falling short of society’s expectations. If they became a mum and chose a career over full time parenthood, they were ‘outsourcing’ their most important role - as a mum.

I saw and heard my mum take the lion’s share of parenting, putting herself last. I saw and heard her play the part of mum and dad while my dad built his career – for us. The career that was really for him – let’s be true, it was his dream he was pursuing, not mine and not hers. I saw and heard her be proud of others but not of herself. I saw and heard her cry, a lot.

FYI I am very proud of my dad and I love him to bits. He is human. So is my mum. They made choices, together, in parenting us, but those choices were not made by people with equal power in the relationship and subsequently the choices did not always (actually, very rarely) benefit mum as a whole person.

I saw and heard my mum find ways to make herself feel better. She was good at buying things she did not need or want.

I saw and heard my mum largely unsupported, doing a thankless job. A job that society places no tangible value on. If you become a mum, and take time out of the workforce (i.e. you leave your job) to raise a child, you are considered unemployed (i.e. you are negatively placed on the ‘books’ aka GDP – not an investment, not a value-add activity, but a cost – you know, that the Government carries).

Funnily enough, ‘unpaid work’ of which parenting falls into, is the single largest sector of our economy but it is unpaid and therefore under-valued. Mums and dads who parent, are not seen as contributing to the nation’s economy. Where does our future workforce come from again?

And then once my last sibling left home, so did my dad. My mum was alone.

Due to her lack of ‘work history’ she could not apply for a credit card – dad could. Mum oversaw the family business finances and ensured we were looked after but did not ‘take home a wage’. Dad did. So, as usual, mum missed out and just kept on missing out. I can’t help but feel incredibly shit for mum. For all women.

These things shape my views on becoming a mother.

As do my own personal experiences.

As bad as this sounds, mum made sure I was better off. I got an education; a good career and I was raised to be independent and to ‘hold my own’. Funnily enough, I don’t recall ever ‘learning’ to hold my own. It wasn’t a session at school, or a mother-daughter discussion. It wasn’t a workshop or a coaching session at work.

Sarah Everard.

I have been following, as many women are, Sarah’s story in the news right now. Well, I correct myself – it’s not her story. It’s the story of her demise, chosen by a man she did not know or chose to know. There is an international groundswell of rage erupting from women around the right to be safe.

I saw an article written about this, and I thought, “shit, me too” (excuse the pun). A woman had put words to all of the ways in which we just know how to ‘hold our own’… the keys between the fingers when walking to the car late at night, the text to a friend “text me when you get home”, the pretending to be on a phone call, or the running without music to keep vigilant and at the ready. And the worst… Literally having an escape plan in your head as you walk down a dark street, or past a pack of guys.

This is an everyday experience of practically all women. Everywhere. I don’t know how we know it; we just do. But we shouldn’t have to.

These things are relevant and ever-present when I think about and talk about motherhood. It is ingrained in me, and has been from a young age, to be prepared for the worst, to take personal responsibility for what could happen to me, and to be prepared for things that men don’t have to worry about (it’s not their responsibility after all).

The reality is that my partner and I bring a completely different world view into a conversation about having kids together. How could it not be?

I am honest with him. I am scared. I have so much to lose – things that I have fought so hard for. On balance, I know there are gains, but one tends to focus on the things familiar and previously experienced.

I have a career built on proving myself. I once spent three months (I was an HR Manager and not a shit one) negotiating with my male boss for a salary increase to be on par with my all-male leadership team colleagues, whose roles were not as large as mine. I had to prove why I ‘deserved it’. I got it in the end. And my male colleagues successfully argued for their salary increases directly afterwards as well… sigh.

I am scared because I don’t want to lose my career. I don’t want to fall behind, and I know I will.

While I have children, my peers will continue to work, earn money, earn Kiwisaver for their retirement (and therefore increase the interest accrued), be rewarded and promoted (and increase their salary)… I will not accrue any leave. I will not get a salary increase or increase my retirement savings. I will not get promoted.

I will more than likely come back to work part time, because my partner and I will make choices and my job is the more flexible of the two. I will start earning again – but less. I will increase my Kiwisaver and get rewarded again – but at a pro-rated rate. I will probably work just as hard squeezing a full time job into fewer days for less money, while also trying to be a mum (also a 1 FTE job).

I worked it out. Furthermore, I will be reducing my in-the-hand income while on maternity leave by 82% while receiving the Government’s maximum paid maternity leave allowance (while I can).

I work extremely hard, but I am privileged. I can see why mums feel torn. I can see why there are massive impacts down the line for gender equity. And I can also see how we have missed a beat here around putting families and children first in NZ and our stats show this… Check out our OECD education stats, our wellbeing stats, our child welfare stats etc… Having working mums is not the issue. It’s the lack of choice driven by negative financial outcomes that makes being a full-time mum the poorer choice (pun intended).

I am scared because I may find it too hard. I am 36. My energy is not what it was. I hear new mums don’t get much sleep. I currently work between 50-80 hours a week. I am not sure how to do both, well. But I am unsure how to be happy, just doing one of these things.

I am scared because I may change. I will have a new focus – this could be amazing, it could also be hard. My friends are career focused. Not baby focused. Will we still have the same relationships? Will I become boring? Will we have the energy to go away with friends on weekends? Who will babysit?

I am scared because my body will change. My body is 36. I look after it. I exercise and eat well. I am not ready to look at myself in a mirror and feel mournful antipathy. Ouch. I know. Women are great at self-loathing and body-shaming ourselves. We learn it from the media. And men. And sadly, also from other women.

I don’t have many friends who don’t hate some or all of their bodies. We are told and shown what we should look like – and men are also shown what we should look like. Porn has its place, but it is not real. Unfortunately, these images require personal trainers, personal chefs, fake tans, implants, botox, fillers, makeup, hairdressers etc… Women don’t get paid as much as men. It is expensive being a woman.

Babies can mean stretch marks, fat that doesn’t go away, sags and hormone driven changes that you cannot explain. It impacts your pelvic floor.

I have heard from other women these things negatively impact on intimacy in the bedroom. How could it not if you are feeling like your body has been replaced with one you don’t know how to rock? And if we don’t rock our bodies, how will our men get off on it?

I am scared that my relationship with my partner will become secondary to the needs of our child… and our individual needs to sleep and have ‘me time’. Our relationship is strong. It is built on respect, communication and trust. I know this after years of relationships where these things were in part or fully absent.

Are helicopter mums born that way or does a switch flick when they have kids?

I want my relationship with my partner to be #1, always. Of course, it is our choosing to make it so. However, I also know what it’s like to put in effort when you’re both tired. Our relationship functions now around shifts, commutes and long work hours. We have it sorted. Add a child and less sleep into the mix and I honestly don’t know how people do it.

We are best friends who talk a lot. So, I hope that’s enough.

I am scared because I don’t want to fail. I am a high achiever. A child is something you don’t want to fuck up. I haven’t done it before and yet I have no interest in having all of the women in my life (or as I have heard, also those not in your life) tell me how to do it. Advice on ‘breast is best’ is unwelcome, Karen… I see and hear how women are given advice. Often entwined with judgement. I then also see and hear men get praised for ‘doing it alone’.

I am scared because after all of this time, if I choose the title ‘mum’ over all else, what if I cannot even become one? This is a real fear and nothing is a give-in. Wanting it, does not make it so.

I am scared because I don’t want to find myself alone at the end of it. This scares me the most. I have seen how the most important woman in my life sacrificed everything and then when it was her turn, it turned out she was the sacrifice.

...

When I write this, the Devil’s advocate voice plays out in my head. “Oh, she is a feminist”, “she is just insecure” “is she really thinking of starting a family with a partner if she thinks he will leave her?”, “she’s a but angry – old chip on the shoulder”.

I am secure in myself. I have done stints in therapy – it’s a gym membership for the soul. I am liberal, yes. And a feminist – name a sound-minded female who isn’t pissed off about the additional hurdles in her lane on the track. My partner and I are solid, or we wouldn’t be talking about having children – talking is what adults do in a healthy relationship.

I am scared. In a way, it is healthy. If I was going into it thinking “I have this nailed” then I am probably delusional, naïve or just plain arrogant.

I am writing this because it is cathartic. It is a way to express the things I feel. And to share them as I expect so many other women (and men – yes, two men can have babies together too) feel.

#mum #parenting #newmum #career #firsttimemum #startingafamily

[lovelyirony]

"Set out hearts ablaze, and every city was a gift/and every skyline was like a kiss upon the lips" for winter13

Sharon is in charge of Winter Soldier. That’s...huge. 

“You’re in charge of rehabilitation,” Maria tells her over drinks one night. “He needs to not have missions, but he needs someone who’s capable of fighting him. I picked you. Don’t let me down.” 

Sharon applies for a Stark Industries credit card. Tony grants her one, albeit she has to answer why. 

“Is this a national security thing?” 

“Yeah, but when has that stopped me?” Sharon asks, reaching up for her favorite coffee mug. It’s the one with Gonzo from The Muppets on it, and she’s pretty sure the mug is from the seventies. It’s tacky and the worst. Tony hates it. She loves it. 

“I need it for Winter Soldier’s rehab,” Sharon explains. “He needs to get out of the house, so to speak.” 

Tony gets a strange look on his face. 

“Did they tell you anything about him?” 

“I haven’t read the files. I assume he did something to you. I only see that look when--oh. Oh shit.” Tony nods. “I...Tony I won’t ask for that. I’m sorry, I should’ve read up, and I should’ve--” 

“No, it’s fine,” Tony explains, face still tight. “I...I’m not even mad about that, you know? Just with...Steve.” 

Steve’s a sensitive topic for a variety of reasons that Sharon’s not allowed to know about. 

“He didn’t tell me,” Tony continues. “About any of it. Didn’t want to.” 

Sharon’s anger rises a level. 

“I won’t kill him, but you tell him that I’m mad,” Sharon says. “Better yet, I’ll tell him--” 

“I understand it,” Tony says wearily. “I just don’t like it.” 

“Then tell him.” 

“Maybe.” 

“Yes.” 

“No.” 

“Yes!” 

“Do you want the credit card? Do you?” 

The conversation is ended. Sharon gets the rundown, the number for the bank, and the number to contact Jarvis with. 

(Or, she pretends like that’s new. Jarvis texts her all the time, mostly if he notices that Tony needs some form of good contact with someone he loves or he needs to eat something substantial. This is why she and Tony go for monthly burger runs.) 

Winter Soldier has a duffel bag and that’s it. So does Sharon, although she still brings a suitcase. 

“That will hinder escape,” Winter Soldier says. 

“It’s to pack new stuff away,” Sharon says. “And I know you only have two changes of clothes, which is unacceptable. Our flight’s tomorrow, let’s get shopping.” 

James Barnes is...confused. They told him Agent Thirteen would be handling his resettlement into civilian life. She shows up to greet him in leggings, hair in a ponytail, and an over-sized sweatshirt that shows outdated Stark advertising. 

It is not professional or uptight. She is relaxed, at ease, and driving him to a store to get “better shirts than whatever the hell you thought worked.” 

She makes him get a button-down shirt. He thinks it’s less suitable than the one he has, the white one that has a starchy collar and takes a hell of a long time to button the top button. 

It’s black. She approves of it. 

“Okay, we need to get you sunglasses.” 

“I have my field ones.” 

“Those look lame as fuck, get real Barnes.” 

This is how he learns that he hates polka dots, shiny lenses, and finds out that he can wear sandals. 

Interesting. 

- 

He finds out that they’re not going on a mission. Sharon wants to go to Italy. 

“Last time I was in Italy was 87,” Bucky grunts. 

He still doesn’t have to go through TSA. Sharon flashes her badge, gestures to him. 

“Newbie on the field, a little jumpy. You know how military is.” 

They let him through without comment. 

Sharon holds power, he recognizes that. It’s not like previous handlers, with the iron grips on guns and hidden knives in sleeves. It’s not the sly smirks of realizing that you will get away with something. 

She is confident because she knows what she’s doing doesn’t have to be shrouded in secrecy, in lies that make it seem like polished silver. 

Sharon Carter navigates security with ease and gets on a plane, greeting the flight agents. Barnes gets an aisle seat at the back so he has a full vantage. Sharon gets out the cheesiest looking romance book he’s ever seen and settles down. 

“You’re not scared of me?” He asks. “Not even a little?” 

“Oh, I am,” Sharon admits. “More than I should be for someone who is as well-trained as I am. But I know that you cannot kill me yet because I’m your handler and I have to check in every hour at a specified time that you don’t know yet. Also, we’re on an airplane. You’re setting yourself for a Rodney Dangerfield crack.” 

He doesn’t get that reference. 

And then they’re off. 

They land in Italy. Specifically Rome first. Sharon converses in nearly-easy Italian, smiling at the driver. She holds her bags close and gets a car in about ten minutes. 

“You been here before?” 

“A couple of years ago,” Sharon answers. “Had a...weekend. It was cool. Got to see the Sistine Chapel, which is absolutely gorgeous. Italian painters got it right.” 

Barnes isn’t sure that he’ll make it to any holy place of residence. He’s not quite sure that whoever the hell is up there would let him step a foot in. 

Their hotel is nice. An old building that’s kept in relatively good condition. Sharon sets down her bags, James sets down his. 

“You want rest or lunch?” 

His stomach growls before he can stutter an answer. 

“Lunch it is,” he affirms. “Know where to go?” 

“Nope, but I figure we’ll be fine.” 

He has the best meal of his life and it’s paired with excellent wine. He has no complaints, especially not hearing the lilt of voices that he can understand slightly. Sharon talks to him about history, about the last time that she was there. 

They sleep that night. James does not sleep well and nearly jumps out a window because he thinks he sees someone. 

Sharon yawns, walks steadily to the window, and shuts it with a loose latch. 

“I’d rather not clean you off the pavement,” Sharon says. “You want some ice cream?” 

As it turns out, she had gone to a grocery store, gotten a couple of pints of ice cream. “It’s not gelato,” she says, getting spoons out of the drawer. “But it’ll do.” 

Ice cream is very cold. It soothes how hot his face feels, how embarrassed he is. 

“I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t have to apologize to me yet,” Sharon says. “You haven’t broken a window.” 

She doesn’t ask about dreams or nightmares. She just tells him that if he likes orange-cream sherbet, then he’s a disappoint to existence. 

“Guess I’m a disappointment,” he says with a shrug. He tried to make a joke. 

It works as Sharon’s smile breaks out. 

“That’s the spirit. I’m a disappointment too in different categories. Mostly involving fruit.” 

Her smile is nice, he observes. 

Italy lasts for a week more. They visit the various chapels and places where great art is. Sharon tells him all about her favorite pieces and what some fun facts are. He googles them on his phone later, writing them down to share with her. 

Sharon’s taking the trip as they go. 

Barnes is remarkably good at finding the stores down the beaten path, getting into the quiet cafes, and locating interesting sights. 

He also, somehow, finds trouble. Because of course he does. 

Sharon wakes up to a knife being thrown, a curse, and the realization that she doesn’t have pants on. Fantastic. 

“Get the bags and run,” Barnes orders. 

“After pants.” 

“Why no pants?” He yells. “Why?” 

“I was comfortable!” 

Sharon gets on a pair of shorts, grabs the bags, and watches as Barnes flips someone over the window. 

“Our flight’s in two hours!” Sharon yells. “Can you finish this up pretty soon?!” 

“Get me--” There’s a crash. 

Then a boom. Sharon’s slightly worried. Also wondering how much will be added to the bill. 

“Get me the blue knife!” He yells. 

Sharon tosses it, he catches it without looking. 

Knew it was hot, just wasn’t expecting it, Sharon thinks. 

She puts down the duffel bag, sighs, and launches herself at the first guy she sees. 

They have fun. They call Maria for clean-up, get packed, and make their flight on time. 

“Where to next?” James asks. 

“I’m thinking we attempt to go to all of the Smithsonian exhibits,” Sharon says. “You up for the challenge?” 

“Bring it.” 

Sharon holds his hands as the flight goes on. She smiles at him. 

“Maybe coffee?” she asks. 

“Of course,” James answers. “But only if I get to take you out dancing later.” 

“I’ll need to make a pit-stop for my dancing dress,” Sharon remarks, smiling. 

“Can’t wait.” 

-

Sharon shows up in a blue dress that’s enough to make any man swoon and keel over. 

James feels particularly lucky. 

[thecleverdame]

Control and Release - 22

Series Masterlist

TEDTalk!Sam x Reader

Summary: With the rest of the staff caught in a snowstorm, you find yourself acting as a personal assistant to the notorious Sam Winchester.

Warnings: Dom/Sub, humiliation, embarrassment, sexual objectification, mutual masturbation, spanking, cum play, fingering, anal play, orgasm control, nipple clamps, dub-con, breath play.

Beta: @ilikaicalie

Words: 4.6k

Parts 23, 24, 25 & 26are currently available on Patreon for a monthly pledge of $2.50. This includes early access to all my stories, including the ABO series Gods of Twilight and Patreon exclusive content.  >> CLICK HERE <<

-

“Are you seriously going to pretend like that didn’t happen?” You trail Sam back down the hallway, glancing behind you. Pepper ran out as soon as she collected her documents, but you’re still on edge.

“I’m not pretending anything.” Sam wanders into the bedroom, waving a hand without turning around. “What reaction would you like me to have?”

“I don’t know,” you stand the doorway, trying to think coherent thoughts. “You’re not concerned? Embarrassed?”

“Why would I be concerned?” He pauses to turn back to you skeptically. “She won’t tell anyone. She’s a bitch and she hates you but she would never betray my trust.”

“Oh,” you nod, unable to believe how calm he is. “So that’s just it huh?”

“Why would I be embarrassed?” He cocks his head, asking it as a genuine question.

“I don’t know,” you shrug. “She walked in on us having sex. In your kitchen.”

“You’re the one who was naked. I understand why you'd feel that way,” he volleys back.

“And it’s not a thing for you?” you inch into the room. “That she knows you’re with me or sleeping with me at least?”

“You say that like you’re something to be embarrassed about,” he snorts, yanking his shirt off over his head. “I’m sure most people would think being with you is the best part about me. My sole redeeming quality.”

And with that, he wanders off into the bathroom and shower turns on. You smile to yourself, cheeks burning at his easy declaration. He always does this, says things that would be laughable if it was anyone other than him.

“Take your clothes off and get in here,” he calls from the shower.

“Coming!” you sing-song, shedding your shirt and joining him under the warm water.

His kisses are messy this morning, open mouthed and wet, the heft of his tongue sliding over your own. You find yourself trapped between his warm, dripping body and the cold tile of the shower as he lifts you up and slides his cock into your pussy in one easy move.

The first thrust is always the best, that forced stretch of your body opening up for him and the thickness of his cock filling up every last inch inside. One of his forearms presses on the tile beside your head, the other hand cupping your ass, as he ruts up into you again and again.

“Fuck, Sam,” you moan into his mouth. Grasping his shoulders you hang on as he thrusts hard and fast.

He stops to nip at your bottom lip, catching it. “We’ll try this in the kitchen again this weekend.”

-

You haven’t been up to Sam’s office since W & S moved into the new buildings. The old offices were modern, but these buildings are from the turn of the century with an aging charm you can appreciate.

With a controlled, neutral expression you approach Pepper at her desk. She glances up, sees you and then looks back to her computer.

“He’s out to lunch with a client,” she explains coolly.

“Actually, I came to see you.”

“Why?” She smiles, a frightening expression that’s so unnatural you almost flinch.

“You know why,” you whisper, stepping closer. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry that you walked in on us. It had to be really uncomfortable seeing us like that, seeing Sam with me.”

“Please, don’t patronize me. I’m an adult. I can handle seeing your tits,” she spits back, her cheeks turning red. “Are you honestly naive enough to think you’re the first? Two years ago I caught him getting a blow job in the middle of his living room. You, naked in the kitchen, doesn’t even rank compared to that.”

Stifling your reaction you take a step back from the desk. She invoked the idea of Sam with another woman to get a rise out of you but you refuse to play into her game. “I shouldn’t have come up here. I’m sorry.”

“You, of all people,” she mutters, unable to hold back.

“What the hell does that mean?” you counter.

“I mean, I get it,” she sneers. “You’re beautiful and good at taking orders, he likes that. But Jesus, how did the two of you even get to that point? What, did he save your life and so you felt like you should offer him your pussy?”

“What’s wrong with you?” You stare at her, trying to determine the root of this hostility. Does she want him? Does she just hate you that much?

“Just be sure to watch yourself,” she warns. “I thought he was too smart to hook up with some desperate woman at work but I guess all men are led around by their dicks after all. If you think you matter to him, you don’t. I’ve seen that side of him, he’ll fuck you until he’s had his fill and then you’re toast.”

“Why are you always so nasty?” Shaking your head you back away. You came here to offer an olive branch but she’s not going to allow that.

“Because I’m the one who put in the time!” She points at you, thrusting a finger forward. “I work ninety hour weeks. I take his shit day in and day out, I take the blame and responsibility for every Goddamn thing that goes wrong. And you suck his dick and now you’re in some made-up position making the same amount of money as I am but dealing with a fraction of the bullshit. Jesus! Honestly, you were the last person I thought would sleep her way to the top. I didn’t think you had it in you.”

“It’s not like that,” you counter, wiping away a tear that’s managed to escape.

“What is it like then?”

“It’s not how you’re making it out to be.”

“How many blow jobs get you a position like that?”

“Now you’re just being cruel.”

“I’m being real.” Her face is beet red, her eyes welling up with tears. “You’ve been here a year and he’s given you special treatment from the beginning. I can’t stand to look at you anymore. I’ll send you an alert via email when he’s back in his office if you want to see him.”

-

Hours later you’re still seething from the confrontation. You’ve been locked up in your office, practically vibrating with anger since the encounter earlier that morning. Pepper has always been a grade-A bitch and you should have known that trying to explain yourself would get you nowhere. At least Sam was right about one thing, you’re sure of her allegiance. She takes her position seriously and she’s terrified of him. That makes for a powerful combination.

You’re about to go over next week’s schedule when there’s a knock on your door. Looking up you find none other than Pepper. Rolling your eyes you shake your head no, glaring at her.

“What are you doing here?”

Pepper leans against the door frame, watching you intently before stepping inside and carefully shutting the door. She silently takes a seat across from you, sucking in a breath before speaking.

“I was thinking. When you were leaving for Chicago, Millie wouldn’t shut up about your mystery boyfriend. She went on and on about what an asshole he must be to make you leave the city just to get over him. She thought it was Dale from accounting.”

You shift in your chair, uncomfortable with where this is going but even more appalled at the idea of Dale being your lover.

“He’s like, sixty.”

“Yeah, but a silver fox,” she grins. “Then I started thinking about Sam’s special project. All those last-minute meetings. In the entire time I’ve worked for him, he’s never once scheduled a meeting himself. I should have known there was something going on.”

“I wasn’t trying to get special treatment. It just kind of...evolved,” you admit quietly. “It was never my intention to use him to get ahead professionally. Despite what you think, that’s not what this is. I’m good at this.”  

Her eyes narrow as she studies you. She’s clearly been working with Sam for too long because she’s taken on several of his mannerisms, including his stare that could pry state secrets out a cold war spy.

“When did it start?” she asks.

“That is none your business,” you counter, suspicious of her motives.  

“Oh come on,” she sighs dramatically, leaning back in the chair. “Who am I going to tell? I signed a nondisclosure when I started working for him. If I ever spill any of Winchester’s beans he’d ruin my life.”

It’s an interesting juxtaposition. You and Pepper have more in common than most. Your varying relationships with Sam and the sex contract he made you sign. It’s strange to hear her talk about their own legal agreement. Sam knows the devil is in the details and he’s covered his ass from all angles.

“It happened early on,” you admit, feeling a weight lifted in telling someone, anyone. Even if that person is your arch-nemesis. “When you first had me cover for you during that snowstorm.”

“Shit,” she breathes looking at you in a mix of disbelief and amazement. “You’re sleeping with Sam Winchester. I don’t get it. I mean, women like power but this is Sam we’re talking about. Does he give you his frequent flyer miles or something?”

“If you’re going to be like that, you can leave.” You point to the door and she rolls her eyes.

“I just mean, it’s crazy from both sides. I always figured he hired high priced hookers or something, but you...I can’t believe I didn’t see it. Does he pay you?”

“Fuck you, Pepper,” you sneer, leaning forward. “I’m not a whore.”

“What? Are you dating?” She laughs at the idea.

You offer a shrug, then nod slowly in confirmation.

“Are you kidding me?” Her face falls, a look of genuine concern pulling her mouth into a nasty little grimace. “Do you live with him?”

“No, I mean I stayed for a while after the shooting, but I’m not living there now.”

“I don’t even know what to say.” All the energy has drained out of her.

“Why is it so hard for you to believe that he would be with me?”

“It’s nothing to do with you,” she shakes her head. “I mean, I know he’s not a machine but he hates people. I can’t believe he would have the patience to be in any kind of relationship. You gotta be a masochist because he’s a bastard.”

“He’s not so bad,” you retort.

“Fuck, you got it bad for him, huh? You clearly haven’t been on the receiving end of that temper.”

Your face goes hot, and you swallow hard at the mere idea of being on the receiving end of anything he’s got to give.

“He can be sweet.” You smile to yourself and glance up. Her eyes have shifted, a sudden hesitation crossing her face.

“Please don’t tell him what I said,” she requests in a hurried breath. “What happened with the documents, that wasn’t my first fuck up recently and I can’t get fired, please don’t tell him. I know I’ve been a cunt to you, but I need this job. No one is going to pay me close to what he does and I’ve got people in my life who need that money. Please don’t tell him.”

“Okay,” you agree automatically, watching the desperation wash over her entire demeanor. There’s clearly a lot more going on with Pepper beneath the surface. “I won’t.”

“Why wouldn't you?” she snips. “If what you said about your relationship is true, he’d be furious if he knew I talked to you that way. After everything I’ve done to you, why would you keep your mouth shut? I’ve thrown you under the bus a couple of times.”

“I’m not you, Pepper.” You shrug. “It wouldn’t make me feel any better to get you in trouble. Not to mention we both almost died. I think that means we deserve a chance to start over. I’m not saying we need to be friends, but at least we can be kinder to each other.”

“Alright,” she agrees hesitantly. Rolling her eyes again she laughs, shaking out nervous energy. “I can’t believe this.”

“Sam thinks a lot of you,” you add and she snaps to attention. “He trusts you and we both know there are not many people on that list.”

“Well,” she shrugs, getting up and head to the door. “I wish someone would tell him.”

-

Cole’s office is exactly what you expected, meticulously organized with small personal touches that make it his own. He spends most of his life here, countless hours working hard to make a good impression and so far he’s exceeded everyone’s expectations, including yours.

Behind his desk, on a floating metal shelf, are multiple photos. One of him in military garb with his former unit. Next to that is a photo of an older couple you assume are his parents. Mounted on the wall are his degrees. There’s a NorthWestern diploma for his undergrad and then his law degree from Georgetown.

He’s incredibly proud of his history as a Marine and you wonder why he left the service. He went to school later in life than most but he’s certainly excelled. He’s roughly the same age as Sam, maybe a few years older but just as disciplined.

“Sorry I’m late.” Cole shakes his head, closing the door to his office and dropping a stack of folders onto the desk. “I had a meeting with the big guy.”

“How did it go?”

“Good,” he looks at you thoughtfully. “I think. He’s hard to get a read on.”

“That he is,” you agree.”But I think you’d know if he wasn’t happy.”

“I mean he doesn’t pull any punches but that's how I like to work. Let’s just try and not screw up, okay?”

“I’ll do my best.” You give him a little salute and he chuckles.

“We’ve got a client, it’s an intellectual property rights case and we’re representing Lavion. In fact is looks like moving forward we’re going to represent them exclusively.”

Lavoin is a tech giant, right up there with Google and Microsoft and it’s owned by none other than your biggest fan, Nick Luster. They’re still considered an up and coming company, but in a few years the talking heads expect Lavion to surpass their current competitors.

“That’s huge.” It’s a strange thing to feel excited about work, this is a first but you can’t deny how fulfilling it is to be part of a powerful team like this. “What’s our role in this?”

“There are 162 members of the legal team that are available for assignment or reassignment. Our task to determine what ten associates we’re going to assign and then oversee the case. Eventually, we’ll oversee everything, all the junior associates at least. But it starts here.”

“Holy shit,” you breathe, grinning at each other.

-

Your period runs like clockwork. It comes on the same day, at the same time, every month without fail. It should have started this morning, but when you checked the pantyliner during lunch it was pristine white.

There’s a sick feeling in your stomach as you double-check your calendar. You’ve never been late, not for years.

A day later you’re starting to panic but realize it’s time to man up and find out, so you head to Walgreens and pick up a two-pack of pregnancy tests, tucking them into your purse before you head to Sam’s house for the weekend.

He’s not home yet when you arrive. You lock yourself in a guest bathroom, deciding to make double sure of the results. You pee on both, then set them on the counter and set the timer on your phone.

There’s never been a longer five minutes in the history of the planet. You take this time to contemplate how little you know about Sam and how a tiny pink + sign could change the trajectory of your whole life. You don’t want children, not right now and definitely not with a guy that only confessed his feelings after you were confronted with certain death. Sam, especially in his current state, is not exactly father of the year material.

The timer on your phone sounds and you take a deep breath, shaking out your hands to release the nerves before looking.

Negative.

And a second negative.

“Fuck,” you whisper, laughing in sheer relief. “I’m such a drama queen,” you mutter to yourself, taking the tests and grabbing your phone.

You’re halfway back to the bedroom when Sam appears in the doorway, pulling the knot of his tie loose. He looks amused, smiling at you. “Where were you? I saw your purse in the kitchen…”

His voice trails off as he hones in on the tests clutched in your hand. His face drains of all color, just as panicked as you were earlier.

“Don’t worry,” you take a step toward him. “I’m not pregnant, my period is just late. I scared myself too.”

“Good,” he blinks, collecting himself. Pausing he starts to say something and then stops himself to reconsider the delivery. “I don’t want children.”

“Me either,” you agree. “Not right now, anyway.”

“Ever,” he clarifies. “You should know that, if it’s a non-negotiable for you.”

“Oh.” You’re stunned for a moment, taking in this declaration. First, it’s a pretty ballsy thing to say to your non-girlfriend girlfriend just minutes after she thought she might be pregnant. On the other hand, he’s talking about this information like he intends for your relationship to progress into the long term. “I’d prefer if you don’t use business jargon when we’re talking about personal matters. It’s not something I’ve thought much about. I’ve spent my adult life trying not to get pregnant.”

“Good,” he confirms, staring at you with uncomfortable intensity. Is this his ultimatum? A challenge? Whatever he’s trying to convey it has you on edge.

“What would you say if I told you I was pregnant?” you counter and he recoils, a grimace pulling at his lips. “You wouldn’t want me to have it, would you?”

He swallows, jaw tightening as he takes off his glasses. Taking a breath he remains collected and looks at you dead on. “It would be your choice of course, but I don’t want children.”

“Will you tell me something, Sam?” You inch closer, keeping your reaction in check. “Do you see us in a place where that would become an issue? I mean, when you think about our relationship, are we together in a year? Five years? What does the future look like for you.”

“I don’t deal in hypotheticals,” he quips dryly, suiting up in his emotional armor.

“We’re not wheeling and dealing in anything. We’re talking like two people who care about each other. I’d like you to answer my question.”

“Jesus Christ,” he mutters, rolling his eyes and turning to walk back into the bedroom. You’re about to really let him have it for walking away but he sits down in the modern, upholstered chair tucked into the corner. “If I’m lucky, which I doubt will happen because the universe fucking hates Winchesters, but if I’m lucky in five years you’re still with me. Maybe we’re living together. But if you really want to know what we look like in the future, I’ll tell you what’s going to happen. You’ll be as far away from me as you can get. I’ll hurt you. I’ll make you regret that you ever gave me a chance. You’ll move on to find a happy life with some accountant from Idaho who thinks he’s won the lottery.”

“That’s bleak,” you respond immediately. This isn’t the first time he’s expressed his belief that he’s going to drive you away. “You know what I think? It’s an excuse for your shitty, closed off behavior. If you keep saying in the end you’re going to make me hate you, it’s just a self-fulfilling prophecy when it happens. You get to act like a dick, refuse to open up and when I leave, well fuck, you’ve known it would happen all along. Stop being such a coward and let me in. You’re using this bullshit premonition of our inevitable demise as a reason to not let me know you.”

His nostrils flare out, eyes narrowing. He hates being called out, but you’re not done yet.

“Maybe I will want to have a baby one day, but I can’t make that decision right now. I can’t even start to think about that because we’re still learning how to become us. I want to know you, to fall in love with you, hell maybe I already am in some twisted way, but I don’t know that yet. Maybe we’ll hate each in other in five years, but there’s also a chance that we really fucking enjoy each other too. Maybe we get married and adopt a dog. My point is I don’t fucking know what’s going to happen and you don’t either. So stop acting like you can see the future and just open up a little and be here with me. Show up now, Sam. I’m waiting for you, I want you. All you have to do is try.”

He’s silent, his jaw set with each hand resting on either thigh. His eye twitches, mouth pulling in discomfort.

“I think about you all the time.” He delivers this as if he’s making a weighty confession of some tawdry affair. “It’s been hard for me...for a long time...to concentrate on anything good in life. In my experience, the things I care about always have an expiration date. I don’t deal with loss well. The more I care about you, the greater that loss will be for me.”

“Sam,” you walk over to him, kneeing your way onto his lap. His hands slide over your hips as you look down at him. “What if there is no expiration date? What if you don’t lose me? You are the only one running away.”

“I’m not good at this,” he snorts, thumbs sinking into the meat of your waist.

“Well, lucky for you that isn’t news to me.” You pat his chest, looking over this handsome face you know all too well. “We should go on a date. Like a normal, real people date.”

“A date?” He raises an eyebrow.

“Yeah, you know, dinner and a show or something normal.”

“What if someone sees us?”

“Well,” you shrug. “We can’t hide in the shadows if we want to move forward. I’m not ready to shout it from the mountain tops that I’m sleeping with my boss’s boss. I’d be happy for everyone to know that I’m with you, it’s the assumptions people will make that give me pause. But this is more important than my ego. If people find out, they find out.”

“I’ll make a reservation,” he shrugs.

“Good,” you nod, leaning down to kiss him, but pull back before your lips meet. “There’s actually one more thing I wanted to talk to you about.”

-

“Pepper!” Sam calls through the open doors of his office.

He normally uses the intercom; when he hollers it means she’s about to get it. Pepper scrambles out of her chair and into his office, pulling her blouse into place. He sees her as an extension of him and when she looks less than put together he lets her know.

“I’m here,” she stands up straight, hands clasped together.

Sam’s standing in the middle of the room with both hands in his pockets. Never a good sign when he’s out of his seat. It means he’s got energy, something has riled him and she takes the brunt of his mood swings.

He stares right through her, eyes narrowing, the two of them locked in silence.

“It’s been brought to my attention that you had quite a conversation with Y/N.”

This statement sends her heart into her stomach. You bitch. You said you wouldn’t tell him but she should have known better.

“Y-yes,” Pepper stammers.

“I’ve also been advised that you feel you’re more qualified than Y/N for the position under Cole Trenton.” He lifts an eyebrow awaiting her answer.

She’s not normally a crier but life has been harder than usual lately.

Pepper feels like she might throw up. She’ll never forgive you for this. A single tear falls down her cheek but she wipes it away immediately. He hates it when people cry and she doesn’t want to make this worse.

“I-I said something I didn’t truly mean,” she offers, voice wavering. “I’m sorry. I should never have said anything.”

“No,” he shakes his head, walking leisurely back behind his desk. “You shouldn’t have.”

Here it comes. She closes her eyes and prepares for one of his monologues on her many failings and her impending termination.

“There are two reasons that you aren’t a fit for that position.” He sits down in his chair, leaning back and resting a forearm on the desk. “One, no one wants to work with you. Even if you and Cole worked well together, I needed someone that people like. Someone people will talk to. It’s a liaison position, I can’t have a person in that role who’s burnt as many bridges as you have.”

“I understand,” Pepper whispers, staring at the carpet.

“Look at me, not the floor,” he snaps. Pepper gulps, clearing her throat as she lifts her chin. “The second reason is that I need you. No one else is capable of doing what you do. You balance my schedule, you understand the differing levels of importance when it comes to people, meetings, and tasks. You’ve managed to work directly for me for years without cracking. I trust you and the number of people I trust I can count on one hand. You are invaluable to me.”

She’s stunned, she stands there staring at him, no longer shaking but in complete shock. He doesn’t offer praise, especially not to her.

Sam taps a file on his desk.

“Your mother’s been sick.” He’s not looking for confirmation. He already knows the details. “Now your brother has been injured.”

Her mother’s been sick for a while, slowly dying a painful death in a hospital bed in Ohio with no insurance. Her brother, Dan, went to check on their mother every day. But last week he was in a car accident, he’s in intensive care.

Now it’s just her.

“Yes,” she stares at him, wondering where this is going.

“Do you need to go home?”

“I...I don’t know.”

“You should go.” He waves his hand at her. “When you’re at work I need you to be on your game. If that means you need to handle what’s happening with your family, then go and take care of it. Be with your family and come back when you’re ready.”

“My mom, um,” she wipes her eyes again. “I was waiting until she was closer to the end to ask for a leave. It could be a month, maybe longer.”

“I understand that.” Sam stares at her, emotionless and stoic. “Find a suitable replacement that won’t turn my life upside down. Take as long as you need.”

“Thank you,” she whispers, already backing out of the room before he changes his mind.

“Don’t thank me. It’s selfish. I need you long term. When you get back we can discuss your salary.”

-

Parts 23, 24, 25 & 26are currently available on Patreon for a monthly pledge of $2.50. This includes early access to all my stories, including the ABO series Gods of Twilight and Patreon exclusive content.  >> CLICK HERE <<

[fourangers]

Fate and Choices (ch.06)

Summary: When Naruto discovered who was going to be his soulmate, he jumped straight at this opportunity, looking forward to spending the rest of his life with his better half. Sasuke well…he was less eager in this regard though. NaruSasu. Soulmates tattoos. M-rated.

Chapter 05

AO3 link | ffnet link

--.--

Sasuke was checking the monthly chart about follower growth alongside the monthly expenses to boost their social media account when his brother called.

“Good morning otouto-kun. How are you doing so far by yourself, you need any help?”

“Morning. So far nothing of the tragic nature. Thanks for asking anyways.” He tilted his head to one side to steady his smartphone in between his ear and his left shoulder, while he used both hands to type on his laptop. “By the way, you met your soulmate already?”

“I did! He was waiting for me at the airport. A very fascinating individual, knowledgeable and has a keen sense of everything since he traveled across the globe, learned all different kinds of culture and society. I had a wondrous time talking with him.”

“That’s great.” Sasuke muttered.

“Also, he shares some long-distance ancestry with us! Apparently, his great-great grandmother is an Uchiha that detected that her soulmate lived in the Netherlands and migrated here. The only clue he has some Japanese genes might be the fact that he has more of an almond shaped eyes, but his hair is curly unlike ours.”

“Huh, really? Interesting.”

“We’re going to do a city tour in Amsterdam. I mentioned that I like seeing anything related to art and history, so he already programmed an entire schedule visiting Van Gogh’s museum and other great places.”

“I see that he’s not wasting one second in trying to get into your pants huh. Give me his number so I can tell him that if he ever dares to make any wrong move I’ll tear him into pieces.” Sasuke scowled, frown in his face as his fingers pressed on the buttons loudly.

He heard Itachi’s amused chuckle. “Otouto-kun, don’t worry about it. He really appears to be a kind man and I believe I’m a good judge of character. I’ll keep you and mom posted about all this, because I know you two will be nagging me no matter what.”

“Hn.” 

Even despite his current reservations, it was refreshing and odd listening to Itachi’s upbeat voice. He was glad that his older brother was acting his own age for once, since he was forced to be more mature in his teenage years to defend his own mother and protect Sasuke. So it was nice hearing Itachi’s honest excitement, proper from a young man such as him, which was the main reason Sasuke curbed most sarcastic and critical remarks, not wanting to put a damper on Itachi’s mood.

“Talking about soulmates, how did you fare with yours, by the way?”

Sasuke almost bit his own tongue, coughing dryly.

“That bad?” Itachi questioned, apprehensive.

“No, actually…” Sasuke cleared his throat. “We’re going to try and go on some dates.”

“…”

Sasuke could almost feel Itachi’s smiling on the other side of the phone. “Nii-san, your sudden silence is somehow more infuriating than your usual smartass quips.”   

“So you say. Anyways, I have to go for now. Call me if you have any questions Sasuke.”

⏤.⏤ 

Sasuke yawned, adjusting his laptop settings so it’d pair with the TV screen. Neji and his crew would be arriving soon to adjust the overall schedule and other general alignments. Nodding to himself, he went to the bathroom (those meetings tend to drag for hours), only to see Suigetsu adjusting his hair style, straightening his clothes.

“Suigetsu, what are you doing?” Sasuke deadpanned, raising an eyebrow as his friend continued to turn in all angles, trying to get the best look in front of the mirror.

“Well, Uzumaki is coming here today right? I’m sure that you already dumped him at this point of the story so he’s free for grabs! I’m definitely going to try asking him out.” 

Sasuke opened his mouth to elucidate the whole situation but they heard the receptionist’s voice so Suigetsu was first to go towards the entrance, Sasuke trailing behind. He saw Suigetsu affably shaking hands with everyone, before changing his tune when he saw Naruto. He was definitely feeling up the blond’s biceps while they greeted each other.

Sasuke frowned, stepping in with a grunt. “Naruto, Neji, everyone. It’s nice to see you all again.”

Naruto was positioned so his back was facing him, instantly turning around with an exclaim. "Oh hey, Sasuke!"

Sighing, Sasuke controlled the urge to blush witnessing how Naruto's eyes brightened up, grin widening as their gazes locked together. That dumbass looked exactly like an overexcited puppy. Neji even patted the blond head twice, before shaking Sasuke's hand. “Nice to see you again. I hope our meeting wasn’t too much of a trouble for you.”

Sasuke nodded, stepping aside to let them in as they settled in the meeting room.

“So, first things first, I’d like to present Takahashi Ayumi-san. She’s going to be Shinrei’s account manager from now on.” Neji explained, as the aforementioned woman bowed respectfully, giving Sasuke her business card.

“Is that any reason for such a change?” Sasuke exchanged their cards, bowing back at her while he glanced towards Naruto. The blond man on the other hand, didn’t look troubled nor guilty, settling some of his own fears aside.

“Naruto is our main social media manager and we’re getting new cases for him to take care of, so I thought that it’d be better for him to focus solely on his tasks.” Neji said.

“I’ll still go with you to meet any possible sponsor, or give reports to your current ones. But anything related to your social media accounts will go through Ayumi-san from now on, to organize our workflow better.” Naruto filled in the rest of the speech, also opening his laptop. “So we’re also here to make the transition go smoothly, and she’ll be up to date with the overall demands and so on. You don’t have any problem about that, right Sasuke?”

Sasuke shrugged, as everyone concentrated on discussing the rest of the procedure, covering all details. Once they finished the meeting and Neji’s team departed, Sasuke returned to his office, seeing Suigetsu’s roguish smile.

“Hey, I managed to get Uzumaki’s number. Well, obviously he still thinks it’s work related but…I’ll turn things around. I gotta tell you, I had a glimpse of a bright future when I saw him bending down to pick some paper, that’s a nice juicy butt that I haven’t seen in a while. Man, I just want to get in between that round asscheeks and thrust.”

Sasuke had enough. “Naruto and I are dating.”

Blinking, Suigetsu slackened his jaw then uttered out. “What?”

“Naruto. And I. Are dating.” Sasuke spelled out with gritted teeth.

“Again, what? He’s your soulmate, isn’t he?” Suigetsu saw how Sasuke clenched his mouth, frown in place. “I don’t get it, after all the time when you kept complaining about how the soulmate system sucks and you’ll never get together with your soulmate because it’s a waste of time and so on and so forth you’re dating him? Am I missing something?”

"It's a long story, let's just say we talked, and I'm going to try, see if it's going to work."

Suigetsu stared in awe, before snorting at last. "I knew you wouldn't last long. I mean, when you have a soulmate like that, you'd want to call first dibs. I would do that too if I were you."

"We're just dating, not having sex like some kind of horny animals." Sasuke muttered, glowering back.

"Right, as if part of the whole dating business doesn't have people fucking like horny animals." He quirked a haughty smirk, wagging his eyebrows. “Aw fuck, I was getting really turn up in asking him out! Maybe we should both try getting him on dates, and then make him choose between one of us⏤”

“Suigetsu.” 

“Right right, jeez.” Suigetsu raised his hands in mock surrender. “You don’t have to get so defensive. I won’t make any moves, whatever.”

Sasuke snorted, noticing the message ping showing Naruto asking him to go to the lobby once again. 

“So, you hungry?” Naruto beamed, while he was busy typing on his smartphone. “I asked Neji to stay for a while longer so we can go out for lunch.”

“Lunch sounds like a good idea.”

“Great! You’ll lead the way, but please don’t choose any expensive restaurant because I’m on a budget ok. Don’t pick anything weird that will make me taste shark semen or some weird shit like that.”

Sasuke smirked. “Actually, I’ve heard that in China it’s a good aphrodisiac so⏤”

“Yeah, see, that’s what I meant.” Naruto poked his arm repeatedly. “I just want to eat some Ramen for all I care.”

He ended up choosing a traditional Japanese restaurant, specialized in Teishoku (set meal). While they were waiting for the food to arrive, his curiosity got better of him so he questioned. “So, why did you and Neji ended up giving the task of managing Shinrei to Takahashi-san?”

“Hm, well…it’s something that I thought over this weekend. Now that we’re dating, that means it’s gonna be more difficult setting work and dating apart right? I don’t want to end up discussing with you over something work-related while we’re on a date, or flirt with you while we’re talking about work. Plus, I might get frustrated about having to solve some issues about Shinrei and then out of nowhere you might send something personal on LINE. It’s those things here and there that makes me afraid that it might hinder our relationship and I don’t want this to happen to us. So I talked with Neji, he suggested this solution and Ayumi-san was on board to help me out.” Naruto explained, while he adjusted the napkin in his lap. “You don’t mind that, right?”

“Not at all, I actually agree with your idea. Never expected that a usuratonkachi like you would be so thoughtful.”

Naruto rolled his eyes, then broadened a playful grin. "You know what does that mean too, right? That I'm free to send you dick pics, all to my heart's content."

"That also mean I'm free to block you once again if you step out of line."

“Aw, you wouldn’t do that, would you? Not after you accepted going on the Best Date Ever in History!”

“You’re pretty confident with your dating skills.” Sasuke shook his head in amusement. “I trust you already came up with a detailed itinerary then?”

“Maybe, but I’m gonna keep this as a surprise.” 

Sasuke stared nonchalantly towards Naruto’s cheshire smile, snorting softly. Their food soon arrived, they enjoyed the fragrant dishes in between chuckles and teasing remarks. It was hardly a chore getting in tune with Naruto, lowering his barriers. It’s been so long he felt so relaxed around someone aside from his mother and older brother.

While they were going back to Sasuke’s office, Naruto read a message, raising an eyebrow.

“Huh. You know your employee Hozuki-san? He scheduled a meeting this wednesday but he just cancelled now, telling me that he fixed whatever issue he wanted to talk about, but when I asked, he just said that it’s nothing big. That’s weird, you know anything about it?”

Sasuke smirked, but schooled his expression to a neutral one. “Yes, but don’t worry about it, usuratonkachi. I assure you that Suigetsu wasn’t asking for anything important that really needed you help.”

“Hm…” Naruto wrinkled his nose, tilting his head to one side. “You seem to know him pretty well, he’s been working in your company for a while?”

“Actually, I’ve known him since college, I decided to ask him to work with me when Nii-san and I founded our company.”

“That’s cool, how did you guys meet?”

“We used to have a lot of classes in common, and then we formed our group of friends.” Sasuke muttered, recalling his memories. “Crazy friend, but at least helped me hook up with some guys.”

Naruto stopped walking at once. 

Sasuke also halted his steps, turning around with a quirked eyebrow. 

The blond man strode menacingly, glowering. “You did what? After what happened between us?!”

Seeing the indignant expression on his face, Sasuke instantly understood that he stepped on a landmine. He began a well-rehearsed speech. “Well, technically, at that time we weren’t in a relationship and also we were just young hormonal teenagers, so officially, there’s nothing that really binds us together so…”

“What the fuck Sasuke, what did you want?” Naruto snapped back. “Some official document, registered in the government with our signatures, stamps and even some blood pact for some special effect? We didn’t have any extra-official but I thought that, well, since we were in this together…”

“If there’s any consolation the number of hook-ups is under one single digit, so can we drop this.” Sasuke snarled, tensing his shoulders.

Naruto stared back incredulously, before giving out a sardonic scoff and crossed his arms. His eyes glanced up and down towards Sasuke, growling.

“Oh, so that’s how you justify yourself by cheating on me.”

“Again, back when we were teenagers, we’ve done nothing but fooling around together.” Sasuke emphasized, annoyed. “I honestly thought that you have done the same, considering that we lost contact while in college.”

“Sure, okay, cool, thanks a lot for pointing that I’m a fucking idiot for wasting my chances while I was waiting for you like a fool.” Naruto’s voice was bitter and angry, taking Sasuke off guard from this uncharacteristic behavior. “I should have followed after the first vagina or dick available while I was in college. Hey, maybe I should do this right now, to pick up since I’m behind.”

Whatever tight control Sasuke was attempting to reign in, snapped apart as he glared towards Naruto’s rebellious face. He knotted his shirt into his fists, Naruto mirrored this movement, wrinkling the expensive fabric. He growled. “I thought we were in agreement that we're dating now. A suggestion, might I add, that you gave it to me."

"Well, that was before I discovered that you probably slept with half of the campus or where else more. So sorry if I'm not taking this piece of news all too well." Naruto said with gritted teeth.

Sasuke huffed. "I already told you, it was only under one single dig⏤"

"Who the fuck cares, one, one thousand⏤! You cheated, that's what happened!" Naruto pushed Sasuke away, throwing his hands to the air. "You know what, fuck this shit, I'm outta here!" He turned around, already stomping away from him and yelled. "Have a nice fucking day, asshole!"

Sasuke clenched his jaw, his body tensing to pursue Naruto but he dug his heels down. He better wait till Naruto would cool his head. Who’d have thought that such pleasant lunch would end up this badly?

⏤.⏤

Naruto was ignoring him.

At first, Sasuke let it slide, waiting till Naruto would bounce back and forget about what had happened. However, days had passed and after few tentative messages were sent, receiving nothing from Naruto’s end. 

On the other hand, this situation just made him mount considerable respect over Naruto. Only one week had passed and Sasuke was resisting the urge to barge in Naruto’s apartment to stop this silent treatment he’s suffering. And Naruto waited for seven years?? Sasuke resigned himself not to pressure Naruto after everything he had done in the past. 

For such an easygoing man, that dumbass could surely hold some grudge.

Sasuke couldn’t bring himself to pester Naruto, but that doesn’t mean he wouldn’t gatter intel from other sources.

“So…how’s Naruto lately?”

Neji stared unsurprised while Sasuke drank his beer, glancing sideways. “He’s acting all the same, cheerful, energetic and everything. Why are you asking me if you can contact him anyways?”

Sasuke furrowed his eyebrows. “He didn’t tell you what happened a few weeks ago?”

Neji hummed, smiling. “You know that Naruto opens himself just to you. I mean, maybe Gaara and Shikamaru occasionally, but yes. Mostly you.” Then, he sighed, pouring more beer to his cup. “Though after years working with him, I could see that beneath all that smiles, he’s angry over something. And after you asked how he was, just gave me the easiest confirmation about my suspicions.”

 “Hn.”

“I know I’m going to regret asking this…what happened?”

Rubbing his temples, Sasuke paused in contemplation before confessing. “I told him that I had some past flings back in college.”

For the record, Neji used a total of five seconds to show an incredulous expression before he mumbled. “For someone who used to be the genius back in school and have a master degree, you can be pretty stupid sometimes.”

Sasuke glared. 

“Why did you do that?” Neji asked.

“We were just chatting, I said it without really considering much. I honestly thought he wouldn’t make a big case over it.” Sasuke huffed. “And well, I thought that since we haven’t seen each other for over seven years, Naruto would have his own flings too.”

“Yes, that’s the stupid part I’m talking about. You can’t expect that everyone would do the same journey as you did.”

“I know, which is why I’m patiently waiting to amend the mistake I did. I even sent him messages, writing that I’m sorry and all the bullshit you’re expecting me to do.” 

Neji didn’t really trust Sasuke’s input. He snatched the smartphone out of Sasuke’s hand, scrolling down while he mentally shook his head. “Right. I’m only reading ‘Naruto’ ‘I can explain’ ‘stop sulking and talk to me’ ‘Naruto, it’s been five days you dumbass’ ah…I’m not finding any ‘Sorry for everything’ here. Perhaps you wrote ‘Let me grovel on your feet if it makes you happy’? Ah nope, nothing of this sort.”

Sasuke did not appreciate Neji’s sarcasm, grabbing his phone back. “It’s been more than a week and he still hasn't answered any of my messages.”

“Well…have you considered calling him?”

 ⏤.⏤ 

Usually Naruto was too lazy to answer phone calls, since most of the time it’s telemarketing or scammers trying to get his credit card. Suffice to say, he was flabbergasted seeing Sasuke’s contact buzzing on screen. 

Sighing, he stared at his smartphone, hot anger burning on his gut. He willed it down, grumbling. “What.”

“…” Sasuke bit his lower lip, mumbling. “I see you’re still angry over what we talked about a week ago.”

Naruto closed his eyes, dropping himself on the sofa as he responded. “No, not really. I was actually kind of waiting you’d talk to me.”

“Well.” 

“Yeah?”

Sasuke chugged some more beer down his throat, clearing his throat. “I don’t know what exactly I should say to make us return to the way it was. I can’t change it, it’s all part of the past.”

Naruto groaned, messing his head. “I know, I get it. It’s just⏤now I can’t get the idea that you got involved with other guys in my head. Were they one time thing? I mean…did you do it to satisfy some curiosity about how different it’d be having sex with someone who is not your soulmate? Or did you do it because you wanted a relationship with someone else? Or were you bored⏤”

“Naruto, I’m not answering any of these. It’ll only make you angrier.” Sasuke said in a quieter tone.

“That’s not fair.”     

“It is, because it’s about my life, and my life only. I’ll reveal if I want to, but you got no involvement in it.”

“How so? But before you disappeared out of nowhere, we were⏤”

“We’re just two teenage boys who had nothing definite aside from two matching tattoos. We’re going on circles, this is going nowhere.”

Naruto stomped angrily, standing up. “That’s your fucking problem, you know. You used a loophole, used the fact that we didn’t cement anything before you just disappeared out of my life. You were always such a manipulative asshole, sometimes I⏤AAAARGH! I just want to reach your fucking neck and shake you. Really hard.”

Sasuke listened to the furious inhales and exhales, and mumbled. “I will…leave you alone if you prefer⏤ ”

“Yeah, I prefer it.” Naruto paced around the room, scratching his head. “We definitely went on different paths because we had different points of view. I still believed in the soulmate system, so the wildest thing I did in college is trying to steal some statues on campus. You got disappointed with this system, so there was nothing stopping you going after some other guys.”

“Still…” Sasuke clutched his smartphone tighter. “I admit that I hurt you. And I’m sorry about that. Like I’ve said, there’s nothing that I can change about the past, aside that I promise I won’t do it again. And if there’s anything I can do to make you feel better…just ask.” 

“…HMMMMmmmmMMmmmmmm.”

Sasuke knew Naruto enough to understand that particular tone. “Anything that is not outrageous or sexual in nature, get your mind out of the gutter dumbass.”

“Not even you wearing a sailor fuku?” Naruto practically singsonged, his mind also picturing Sasuke with stilettos. 

“I’m glad that even with all the current resentment you have on me, you still have enough imagination to come up with the most ludicrous ideas.” Sasuke teased back.

“Yeah yeah. Sasuke…” Naruto raised his eyes to stare at the ceiling, his body relaxing. “I’m still not giving up with the whole date thing, ok.” 

Sasuke released a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. “I’m glad.” 

To tell the truth, even despite some reservations and fears, Sasuke was looking forward to starting this relationship with Naruto, only to have it temporarily halted. But he’s willing to take the backseat until things would calm down if necessary.

Taken aback from Sasuke’s honesty, Naruto scratched his head. “So, you willing to wait some a little bit more? I guess I just gotta organize this new information in my head.”

“Sure.”

⏤.⏤ 

On the next day, Sasuke received a message from Naruto.

You free tonight?

Bewildered, since he originally considered that Naruto wanted more days to restart their date, he answered nevertheless.

Yes.

Ok, great. I’ll be waiting for you in the lobby from your office. I’ll be there in half an hour.

Sure.

Oh. Naruto stopped typing before sending this message. And bring your business cards. Tons of it.

Sasuke’s confusion further escalated, but he obeyed nevertheless. Naruto was waiting him with crossed arms, tapping his right foot.

“Hey.” He analyzed him, looking up and down before shrugging. “Alright, you look fine enough. But use this jacket instead.” He threw it in Sasuke's direction and he caught it with ease. 

Black eyes studied the smooth fabric, clean cuts and the tag showing that it's a renowned brand, which all points to the fact that this tuxedo jacket was pretty expensive. “Where are we going?”

“Hm?” Naruto mumbled, his gaze fixed on his smartphone.

“Where are we going?” Sasuke repeated the question. Naruto never cared for appearances whenever they went out, thoroughly ignoring all the malicious glares and whispers focused on his gaudy orange jumpsuit and loud voice. But this time he was wearing formal attire (that looked pretty good on him, actually), also ensuring Sasuke would be decent looking. 

“Yeah, I’m comparing if we’re going to be faster using uber or going to the subway. There are some points of heavy traffic, but nothing too drastic. I don’t want to ruin our clothes too since now the subway is definitely crowded so…yeah. Using uber. He’s arriving in three minutes.”

“Okay.” Sasuke waited while Naruto was still focused on the phone, muttering. “You still didn’t answer my question.”

Naruto gave him a lopsided grin. “I was hoping you wouldn’t notice that.”

“So. Do you intend to give me any explanation?”

“Nope.” Naruto intervened before Sasuke could further inquire. “Because I’m still angry about you.”

Then why did this dumbass go through all this effort to go out with him…Sasuke’s head was full of question marks but he expressed with a baffled glare. But that only caused Naruto to laugh in amusement, patting him on the shoulder while they entered the car.

On the course of the trip, Naruto continued to use his smartphone, not striking any kind of conversation. And as much as Sasuke valued quietness, seeing the usual blabbermouth behaving in such uncharacteristic way was unsettling to say the least. 

“…Do you intend to talk to me any time or are you going to keep on this silent treatment till the end of this date?”

Naruto snorted, rolling his eyes. “I’m still considering it. Why?”

“If you’re going to act like that, I’d rather if we cancel everything then. I’d rather be alone than submit to whatever ill-intent you have stored for me.”

“Oooooh you’re making me sound like a villain, I like it.” Naruto grinned from Sasuke’s roll of eyes. “Don’t worry about it okay. It’s gonna be a surprise, trust me.”

“…hn.”

Sasuke vaguely recognized the tall buildings and elegant architecture, noticing that the car stopped in front of a high-end hotel. Naruto stepped outside, moving his head to signalize him to do the same, as the blond man was reading some instructions on his smartphone, following the sign arrows.

They arrived in what appears to be some kind of party, he could hear a constant buzzing even behind the huge mahogany doors. There were several security bodyguards, as well as a reception desk at the entrance, so Naruto approached while they questioned his name.

“Uzumaki Naruto.”

They bowed politely, confirming his name on the list and asked. “And the gentleman behind you?”

“He’s with me. His name is Uchiha Sasuke.” 

They opened the doors, and his vision was suddenly inundated with bright lights, women wearing glittering dresses or kimonos, all men wearing formal attire. Waiters moved around smoothly carrying all kinds of tasty dishes, beverages and champagne. There was a classic ambient music echoing in the opulent room, and when he focused his eyes at the center stage, everything became clear when he read the huge banner:

Uzumaki Tsunade-sama for Tokyo’s mayor

He deadpanned back to Naruto. “Your aunt’s party? Really?”

Naruto scratched the back of his head. “I couldn’t say no, she’d kill me and you know that!”

“Fine, then why am I here too?”

“Well, even considering the current situation between us, I have to admit that you’re still pretty entertaining so I won’t get bored while we’re in this thing.” 

“Glad to be at service.” Sasuke replied sardonically.

They heard a familiar shout. 

“Naruto!” A blond woman came rushing towards them, widening a smile. “I’m glad you arrived. Well, here he is everyone, the mastermind behind my social media campaign!”

Naruto and Sasuke were swarmed by a group of men from all ages, gazes sharp and shrewd.

“You said that Naruto-kun is your nephew right? It’s my pleasure to meet such a talented young man.” One older man approached, offering his hand. Of all the people in that circle, he appeared to be the most astute.

“Thank you, but I’ve done nothing out of ordinary.” Naruto replied, shaking hands.

“What, really? That’s my nephew alright, so humble.” Tsunade squeezed his shoulder, beaming. “You know that due to your social media strategies I could get in close contact with the younger demographic.”

“Yes, and it’s thanks to her that she’s the frontrunner in this year’s election! The first female mayor in Tokyo. We’re looking forward to seeing you ruling this city.”

“Let’s not count the eggs before they hatch, the election will only happen in the next two months.” Tsunade warned. “Also, we don’t know who might be listening to this conversation.”

“True, but it’s still very impressive.” He responded, giving a significant glance towards the blond man. “Is Naruto-kun available to help other parliaments to win some elections?”

Naruto huffed silently, though only Sasuke could pick that subtle movement. “Sorry, I work only in the private sector. Helping my aunt is due to the fact I know her political history, so I know that I’m aiding someone I trust with my life.”

“Yes, too bad right, Honda-san.” There was an indignant twitch on Tsunade’s eye, as she focused on a newer topic. “Oh, I see you brought Uchiha-kun.”

Naruto threw his arm around Sasuke’s, grinning. “Yeah, a nice date with my soulmate.” 

Sasuke quirked an eyebrow in response, but it garnered enough interest in the group.

“Oh? Your soulmate? Congratulations, I gave up trying to find mine years ago. But well, now that I’m on my 2nd divorce, I always wonder how wonderful it’d be if I got married to my soulmate.” 

Naruto and Sasuke exchanged significant glances so Sasuke stepped in. “Actually, our Uchiha clan is renowned for finding anyone’s soulmate over the centuries, and now we developed a technology to match the soulmates all over the world faster.”

“He found me using these powers, as many others, it’s an ancient knowledge only their clan possesses.” Naruto further explained, though he could see his aunt narrowing her eyes. 

“That’s really interesting. I would like to talk more about this. Here, my card.” They exchanged business cards as other people in their circle flocked around them, collecting Sasuke’s cards.

“Well…Naruto, let’s get some food for you while we get our conversation up to speed, right.” Tsunade made a face of ‘you better obey me or else’, so with a shudder, Naruto obeyed his aunt.

They walked to a more secluded place, so Naruto was first to protest. “You didn’t ask me to go to this party just so you can throw me more politicians to be his social media manager right?”

“Of course not, you really think I want to share my golden egg with everyone else?” Tsunade snorted, crossing her arms. “That Honda-san, I knew he was keeping an eye on you, I wouldn’t imagine that he’d have such audacity in asking right in front of my face, that old geezer…Anyways.” She smoothed out her glower, looking concerned towards her nephew. “Brat. I thought you were still angry over some things your soulmate had done back in college.”

Naruto glanced down, rubbing the back of his neck. “Yeah, I still am but…this party will be good for his company.”

Tsunade stared, then unceremoniously whacked the upside of his head.

“Ow! What the hell, old hag?” Naruto yowled, his hands nursing the painful spot.

“You deserved this. You really need to stop being too generous.” She harrumphed, placing her hands on her hips.

Blue eyes blinked, pointing out a bit baffled. “Um, usually people see this as a positive thing.”

“Not so positive when people use this to their advantage.” Tsunade sighed, smoothing the sides of his shoulders and squeezed them thoughtfully. “Be careful okay?”

Naruto gazed back, wordlessly nodding. Some of Tsunade’s staffers called her, so she walked away while the blond man went back to find Sasuke. He was talking with a new group of people, spotting him from afar as he whispered once Naruto positioned himself next to him. “That took a while. I thought I was supposed to entertain you, not random strangers.”

“Sorry about that, my aunt wanted to talk about some things.” Naruto shook hands with everyone in vicinity, scurrying them aside as everyone went on their own way. “Did you manage to get a lot of new contacts?”

“Yes, and even some possible businessmen that might buy some of Shinrei’s stock.” Sasuke replied, smiling in such a contented way that caused Naruto to beam in return. “Thanks for giving me this opportunity.”

“No problem, glad I could help you out.”

“It’s roughly 8 o’clock right now, I’m sure you’re dying to eat some dinner⏤” On this cue, Naruto’s stomach decided to growl. Loudly. Sasuke rolled his eyes. “There are dinner tables settled in front of the stage, I suspect they’ll call us to sit there once the food is ready.”

“Yeah, thank all gods. I’m so hungry I could eat a whole cow. But it’s probably one of the fancy shmancy restaurant, they’ll probably give me some food the size of my pinkie telling me that it’s some reinvention of Japanese cuisine.”

“Sounds like something right up my alley. You’re the one who likes to eat junk food like Ramen.” Sasuke smirked.

“Ramen is comfort food and one of the main staple of Japanese food, how dare you diss them!” Naruto grumbled, when the waiters asked them to go their respective tables, redirecting to their seats. Considering his close parentage with Tsunade, they placed him right in front of the main stage, sitting in the same table with what they could recognize that those people were very influential and powerful politicians. 

One of Tsunade’s secretary whispered something on Naruto’s ear, so he excused himself, bowing politely. In a few more minutes the room went dark and strong flashlights focused on Tsunade, who stood behind a podium.

“Hello everyone, thank you for participating in this beautiful event. I’m honored sharing this special moment with all my friends, allies, comrades. People who share this common goal with me and will bring everyone to victory. Others at some point have its fate intertwined with mine and now will help me to reach such success.” Tsunade’s voice was calm and commanding, bewitching all in vicinity. “Fate commands in many different twists and turns in our lives, making us grieve, laugh and learn. I’d like to believe that my fate has given me many obstacles to strengthen myself and grow. My late husband was the one who was interested in politics, and once he was murdered due to skirmishes with Yakuza, I inherited his will. My dearest little sister unfortunately passed away from a terrible disease but blessed me to take care of this bright young man, Naruto.” 

She turned around, arm raised as Naruto approached her, bowing to the audience as he stood next to her.

“My nephew helped me in this campaign and I’m happy to say that we have currently 65% intention for votes⏤” Tsunade read on her iPad. “And I’m the leader to win Tokyo’s election that will be held in the next two months. Thank you everyone! Here’s a reminder to everyone who is and was challenged by fate, those who are still struggling and may we bring them to a brighter future!”

She raised her glass as everyone mirrored her, chanting together.

“Uzumaki-sama for mayor!”

⏤.⏤

“Maaaannnn. No matter how many times I was forced to go to these kinds of parties, it’s awkward as fuck just keep on standing there next to my aunt, and having to put that fake smile whenever she made me talk with other politicians.” Naruto groaned, while they were walking to the subway station.

“Hm, really? You behaved pretty well considering that you're usually a spazz, usuratonkachi.” 

“One of my aunt’s secretary, Shizune-neechan gave me most tips. It was the most attention I could get since my aunt was, you know.” Naruto shrugged awkwardly. “Getting all busy being our town’s mayor and climbing in the political scheme. I mean, she raised me the best she could, but I guess it wasn’t enough.”

“I see, this is also the reason you were so fascinated being a pain in the ass and nagging me wherever I go back when we were kids.” Sasuke snorted when Naruto gave a squawk of indignation.

The blond man reconsidered and responded. “Maybe, I guess. We were the only kids with no friends back in school so I wanted to show you that I was there.”

“I suppose it worked. There wasn’t a day where I wasn’t forced to participate in your ludicrous plans of mischief.”

“It was entertaining!”

“You certainly entertained me better at the end of high school.” 

Naruto snorted. “Yeah. Good ol’ times.”

“Is reminiscing those memories good enough for you to dismiss the current anger you have on me?”

Their steps diminished to a quiet halt, Naruto turned around to gaze at his childhood friend. Under the soft glow of street light, Sasuke looked austere, solemn though his eyes shadowed some bashfulness and guilt. 

Naruto exhaled tired, muttering. “I’m still…⏤not as much as before but maybe there is some bitterness lingering. Sasuke, now I get why I couldn’t forgive you right off the bat. It’s not because you slept with other guys…”

A black eyebrow was raised and he chuckled, waving his hand in negative.

“No, it’s not what you’re thinking, I didn’t like that you got involved with other men, but it’s not the main reason. Sasuke, you didn’t give me any satisfaction when you went to college, you didn’t call me or message me something like ‘we’re over’ or ‘I want some time for myself so let’s be free to pursue other things’, so I was stuck in limbo. And, even regarding how much you don’t believe in the soulmate system, I thought that…considering that we know each other forever, you’d at least inform me.”

“I know. I regret not doing this, hurting you in the process. However, I cannot change the past, all I can promise is that I will correct my mistakes.” Sasuke promised.

Naruto nodded. “Another thing, is that what you said to me about the flaws of the soulmate system really made me change my point of view. I could tell that the fact I was angry is solely my own feelings, but another part wanted to forgive you. I wanted to analyze if this part is because you’re my soulmate or it’s also part of my own self.”

“And your conclusion would be?”

Naruto chortled, shrugging. “50/50, maybe. Sometimes leaning more to my own emotions. But I wasn’t sure. That’s why I took more than a week to talk to you.”

“And when am I going to get back to your good graces?” Sasuke wondered, and they restarted walking.

“I think I tortured you enough after tonight. I’ll be back planning the Best Date ever in History.”

Sasuke sighed in relief, a comfortable silence falling between them while they walked in the deserted street. He was guiding Naruto to the subway station, but took a detour to a darker corner that he knew no onlooker would bother them there. He stopped, staring towards the blond man.

“What?” Naruto muttered, a little unnerved from the piercing eyes.

“I’m impressed that you still hadn’t used your usual old trick of poking me on the shoulder and surprising me with a kiss.”

“I said that I’m not going to torture after tonight, but the day hasn’t turned yet. So I’m still in the angry mode.” Naruto grinned. “It’s a punishment for not being a good boy in the latest days.”

Snorting, Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Good boy? I wore this jacket you threw at me, I behaved well as your date in that party, I was exceptionally so good, that I’m sure I deserve a gold star.”

“Yeah, but I’m still smarting with the whole you cheating on me thing, that you got a demotion from childhood sweethearts to first daters. And while I was sure you were gonna get back to my good graces eventually ‘cuz I don’t hold grudges forever Sasuke, I needed some gradual steps till we’ll get to that much needed direction.”

“Fine. At least it’s over after tonight.” Sasuke concurred, smirking. “Do I at least deserve one kiss on this first date?”

Naruto peered back with increasing suspicion, then consented, giving a short kiss on his cheek.

Sasuke scoffed in derision. “Hm, I’m sure that even kids in middle school gave more significant kisses to their crushes than you just did right now.”

“Whaaa⏤wait a minute you bastar⏤” Naruto’s incoming diatribe was interrupted with Sasuke’s lips against his own, hands snaking around to grip his torso.

Naruto took a second in shock before melting in his arms, breathing out a happy sigh as he pushed forward, deepening the kiss. Surrounded by familiar senses and new ones, he explored the hard edges of Naruto’s body, scrawny arms now filling with muscular ones, though his mouth remained soft and pliant, always inviting to taste some more. When Naruto laced his hands behind his neck, tongue tracing over his lips, sliding in and wrapping with his own, Sasuke couldn’t contain the shiver in excitement, moaning. 

After countless minutes kissing, lost in their own world, they retreated for a bit, Sasuke’s taste persisted in his mouth, making him lick his lips. Moist mouth softly caressed his own, whispering.

“See? This is how you were supposed to kiss me on our first date.”

Naruto’s cheeks flamed red, but he managed to roll his eyes, disentangling himself from Sasuke. “Whatever. See you later bastard.”

He turned around ready to walk his way before a hand held his arm and spun him back to Sasuke, receiving another peck on his lips. The light touch was innocent but when Sasuke released him, his stomach fluttered when he witnessed the heated gaze and the playful smirk. 

“See you later dumbass.” Sasuke waved him, walking back to the brighter street. “I’ll be taking a bus, the subway station is on your left.”

Naruto grumbled with himself, cursing about stupid sexy assholes and the habit of making everything a competition.

He smiled all the way back to his home.

Chapter 07

⏤.⏤.⏤.⏤.⏤.⏤.⏤.⏤ 

AN: I’m sure that you guys are wondering “So Itachi’s soulmate is…” Yeah, he’s Shisui. I didn’t want to make his name a mystery, I just didn’t find a space in the dialogue for Itachi to tell Sasuke his name.

Onto good news. The story is shaping a little bit better, so my estimate is that it’ll take roughly 10 to 12 chapters long. I have all the sub-plots and main plot ready in my head, I just have to organize to sound more concise… 

I guess what’s interesting in this story is about two people who know the other one so well but has to relearn to fall in love with his other half.

The most difficult part was writing the kiss. Not the act itself but it’s just that Naruto and Sasuke are officially japanese in this era, that means that Japanese people are usually way more reserved in PDA. Sasuke, on the other hand, doesn’t care about public opinion, which was why I was more ok with him initiating, and he also waited till the street was deserted and dark and went to a corner. I researched a little and in recent years Japanese are more ok with light PDA, but generally kissing (and long deep kissing) is frowned upon. 

[piercebaron]

episode 22 and adaptations

Actually, I do want to talk about it! I feel like episode 22 encapsulates my “weird” feelings towards the anime adaptation and how it has cut and reframed certain things. It’s not bad? Just weird. 

Spoilers for the Plunderer anime and for the manga, up to chapter 36. 

prefacing all of this with a general note: if you’ve only seen the anime, please read the manga. You’re valid, I’m so glad you’ve been enjoying the anime, but please read the manga because as horny as Minazuki is (and the man is . . . very, very much so), his art is also amazing and some of his panels deserve a second, third, or even a fourth look. The little details here and there actually crop up later and become important, and it’s just great. Chapters 46 - 53 are some of my favorite in media in a long, long time and I absolutely cannot wait until they’re released in an official capacity so I can fork over my money for them.

(seriously, you guys don’t know how hard I’ve tried to legally purchase volume 13. I want to give my money to this series so bad.)

This will also be a little scattershot and bounce around between other episodes, so apologies in advance. I’m trying to double-check chapters and whatnot as I go but if I get something wrong or miss something, please don’t hesitate to correct me in the replies! I’ve been watching the anime through Funimation’s site -- dubbed up through episode 11 and then subs from then on. 

Adaptations! Adaptations. By their very nature, they are not a 1:1 sort of thing. A lot of times, you’ll hear people say “read the book” when a movie adaptation of said book comes out. This is because by its very nature, a movie adaptation simply can’t capture everything in the book -- nor should it. Little things will slip through the cracks. This doesn’t make the movie adaptation bad, necessarily, just that it loses something. 

By the same token, if someone tried to do a direct 1:1 adaptation of a book where, say, the book is used as a script (which is an extremely bad idea for so many reasons, please have a script oh my goodness), chances are it’s not going to be a very good movie. There are musicals, for example, where when filmmakers try to make them into films, they flop because they’re not “cinematic.” The directors didn’t take into account the shift in mediums or, more likely, they sorely underestimated it. Understandable, since it’s two visual mediums, but still.

This is all leading up to me talking about Plunderer, I swear.

Manga to anime is a tricky, tricky thing. A manga has [X] amount of pages to work with, depending on if it’s a weekly or monthly series (or even some different increment!). The author, then, has to structure their chapters accordingly, moving things along to keep the reader interested while also controlling the ebb and flow of the story. Note how when the chapters end, they’re engineered to keep you wanting to read more!

Anime is similar in that respect, except the crew has 20-22 minutes to fill over the course of 12 to 24 episodes depending on the series order. Plunderer, ftr, had a 2 “cour” order from the get-go. They have to plan out the series as a whole, figuring out certain things like, where will the season end? What are the big beats, when will we hit them? Etc. It’s no coincidence that the “school” arc started right around episode 12, which is the halfway point of the series; note how there was that filler episode with Hina and Lynne cooking, after all. 

When I started watching the anime after reading the manga, I assumed they’d end the season with, roughly, the end of chapter 36. It’s a nice “resolution” to a lot of things that had been building up over the series. Hina and Licht are finally together, Licht has resolved to keep his mask off and face the future, Jail has a new direction, Lynne -> Licht is basically resolved, and Pele’s layers finally get peeled back just a bit. 

I saw some predictions online that they’d leave off at the cliffhanger in chapter 39 and while that’s a good guess, in terms of narrative ebb and flow for an anime, it doesn’t really line up. They’d really have to rush some stuff (Charles!! i love you, charles) to get there and in terms of a product that they want to be able to market in several territories, it makes more sense to give it some feeling of resolution. That said, what’s more likely along that vein is us potentially getting some sort of stinger at the end of episode 24 with one character talking to That Certain Character, and us getting a brief, shadowy shot of said character to make people go “ohhhhh shit, dude.” 

but idk this anime has made some strange choices.

Going into that! I’ve mentioned this here and there and talked about it with a friend, but the choices the anime has made in terms of adaptation is, uh, pretty strange at times. When changes get made, my instinct is to try and think through why they were changed and, ultimately, if it really affects the story in any way. If I went through the entire anime, it would be an extremely dull read; please know, however, that I am forever sad we missed Jail’s computer antics and Pele being the ultimate shit when it comes to Nana’s video, even if I understand why they were cut. 

That said, episode 22 is a perfect example of this, so uh. Let’s dive in, shall we?

The chapters that episode 22 covers are chapters 33 and 34. The events leading up to it are pretty much the same, but episode 22 contains some divergences. Going through them quickly:

We see more of Pele and Hina trying to stop Douan from going after Lynn.

Sonohara doesn’t show up during this confrontation. Hina gets her “the body was too clean” line instead.

Because Sonohara doesn’t show up, it’s Douan who attacks Lynn instead, causing her injuries with rocks. In the manga, Sonohara shows up, is drugged by Douan, and shoots a couple of bullets at Lynn.

Nana is just randomly lurking around?? In the manga, it’s clear she got caught at the same time. I’m really not sure what was up in the anime. Douan just yanks her out from behind a wall.

Douan sits with Nana, Hina, and Pele until morning, telling them he’ll kill them at dawn if Licht doesn’t show up. In the manga, he sits back and lets Sonohara terrorize them with a game of Russian Roulette, and Hina promptly (without words) calls Sonohara’s bluff.

Jail doesn’t show up in this episode at all. Instead, Hina gets his “did you check?” line.

We actually see Nana leave with Pele when he takes Lynn off. It looks like we’re going to actually see Doctor Pele in action, maybe? Hina is later sent off to help them.

Sonohara shows up towards the end, already drugged. Based on Douan’s line, it’s assumed that she was drugged off screen by the Secret Service. In the manga, he forcefully injects her.

The end of the episode sets up episode 23 to be Licht vs. Douan and Sonohara, with the preview showing Jail jumping into the fray.

whew, that’s a lot. 

I actually get why most of these changes were made! Setting up the penultimate episode of the series to be this big battle is a necessary change for an anime. And narratively speaking, this is much cleaner than it was in the manga, where Sonohara shows up briefly at the beginning of chapter 33, is drugged, and then basically exists to be crazy and antagonize people. It’s less balls in the air for the staff to have to juggle and for the audience to follow.

Douan’s character also gets some more depth. It’s funny because I feel like in the anime, he’s much more cruel than he was in the manga originally -- which is a feat, let me tell you. The anime flipped that in this episode, though, by not having Douan force the drugs onto Sonohara. 

The manga frames it as him doing it because he believes he knows what’s best for her, he’s trying to protect her in his own awful way, but it’s also, you know . . . nonconsensual as hell and gross on so many levels. This takes that off his shoulders which is a good change, honestly. 

But we lose some little character moments for the others in terms of streamlining. I think the thing that bums me out the most is Jail’s stuff. In the manga, after the confrontation with Alan, Jail steps in, calls Sonohara out and snaps her out of her drugged stupor without much of a fight (”without conviction, your bullets can’t pierce me”) and then slaps down the iron throne, telling Douan to shut up because Licht is coming. Chapter 34 ends with him just dead-eye staring at Douan like yeah, it’s annoying, but look. You’re the one who calls him a cockroach. Jail saying “did you check?” is a major mic drop moment and it’s basically when, from then on, Jail does not give a single flying fuck about the barons / aces. 

It definitely should be noted that some of these Jail moments will probably pop up in other ways in the next episode. I fully expect the bit about Sonohara’s bullets to come up, at least.

We lose out on Sonohara stuff too, though. She willingly throws herself into the lion’s den, shooting at Douan to distract him for long enough to allow Lynne to get away. It’s Sonohara who points out that Licht’s body was too clean -- something that makes more sense as someone who’s known him for 300+ years, knows what it means to be a baron / ace, and wasn’t immediately dragged off by the Secret Service. Her then terrorizing them while drugged is also a moment because when she forces Nana to play Russian Roulette, Hina immediately grabs the gun and points it at her head, firing all the “shots.” It’s empty, showing that despite the drugs, Sonohara didn’t want to kill them and Hina knew that all too well.

with all that said, I should note here that it’s entirely possible this scene will show up in some form next episode. Sonohara is still drugged and Hina, Nana, and Pele are all together in the bunker that is right nearby. I kind of doubt it given how the episode is framed and because narratively, it makes more sense to focus on the Licht vs. Douan and Sonohara -> Licht and Jail vs. Douan and Sonohara fight than to have Sonohara split off to randomly terrorize them, but. Like I said, this anime has made some strange choices.

Of course, character moments we get instead are Hina and even Pele being metal as hell. As much as I’m flapping my hands about losing the little character moments for Jail and Sonohara, it’s clear that they thought about how to utilize those moments while streamlining things, and they do work for Hina. And honestly, it’s really nice to see more stuff with her and Lynn? They get some cute panels later on in the manga (think chapter 55), but I like ladies and I like some lady solidarity. And Hina getting those little moments is on the same level as her straight up pointing a gun at her head all “you won’t kill me.”

and on a selfish note, I am actually really excited to see Pele tend to Lynn. The anime has been good about fleshing them out more and giving them little moments. My little shipper heart is delighted.

In the end, does it change much? Not really. These are small things, ultimately, just like how we didn’t lose much with the added filler and cut moments during the school arc. It’s all ultimately in the name of adaptation and while it’s weird, it’s not necessarily “bad.” It’s jarring for me as someone familiar with the manga (and having stared at some of these panels for so long, I’ve gotten really familiar with it), but thinking on it critically, yeah, I can see why. 

they better damn well do the “how did you know I could do surgery?” scene in the last episode though or I will be super bummed, okay. 

[thosequeenboys]

Love is Love is Love Is – Chap. 3 (Ben Hardy and Joe Mazzello)

Summary, Chapter 3: Surprised: Details about Joe’s mysterious phone call are revealed, leading Ben to recall a special memory. Some new cliffhangers emerge!

A/N & Warnings:  This is Chapter 3 of my Hardzzello story. Links to Chapters 1 and 2 are below.  There are minor, non-explicit sex references (dirty talk!) Also, cursing.

tagging (thanks, everyone, for supporting this work!):  @warriorteam1924 @im-an-adult-ish @cardyandy @heybuddy-drabbles @watercolouredreams @igotsuckedintothevoid @mazzelo @oniriquex @roger-taylors-car @discodeakyhasmyheart @peter-sue-the-management @honeymazzello @anotherhystericalqueen @marianaletosnape

Chapter 1:  Missed

Chapter 2:  Puzzled

Joe grabbed a frozen pizza and pulled salad ingredients and a beer from the refrigerator.  It was all he could muster, the phone conversation still swirling in his head.  He pre-heated the oven while he sipped a beer. He needed to speak with Ben, but before that, he had to go through the evening routine, which usually provided a fun, calming wrap-up to the day.  Tonight, he just wanted to tuck Alex in so he could be alone with Ben.

Joe met Ben and Alex at the door and took the groceries as they took off their shoes, placing them next to Joe’s in entry foyer.  

“Time for a bath,” Joe blurted out, his desire to move the evening quickly was abruptly unmasked.

Ben looked confused.  “Uh, aren’t we having dinner?”

“Yes. After bath.  I’m heating the oven for pizza.”  

“YAY, PIZZA!!” Alex cheered.

“Do you want to take him or should I?”  Joe pushed curtly.  He felt particularly controlling, as inside he felt out of control.  

“Uh, I can take him,” Ben looked at Joe quizzically.  “Alex, why don’t you head upstairs. I’ll be up to run your bath.”  As Alex climbed the steps languidly, Ben turned to Joe, “Are you ok?”

“It’s been an intense day. Let’s get him down early. And, we’ll talk.”  Joe said.

“Yeah, it has been intense. We’ll make it quick.”  Ben was slightly concerned by Joe’s remarks, but he figured he wanted to debrief from Alex’s earlier check-up with Dr. M.  

Joe was quiet during the meal, occasionally forcing a smile at Ben and Alex, but he was clearly distracted. He couldn’t help but wonder what dinnertime would be like a year from now.  Varied images flashed before his eyes.

Alex’s banter and laughs with Ben brought Joe back to the present, and he occasionally chimed in rotely, exuding a detached demeanor.  

As the meal finished, Joe jumped up to clean; fortunately, there wasn’t much to do.  “Ok-you guys go get ready for bed-teeth, book.”  There he was pushing and controlling again.

Alex started up the steps again.  Ben hung back as Joe put the dishes in the dishwasher.  Joe’s intensity and distraction were unnerving.  “You’re concerning me,” Ben said. “This isn’t just about the doctor’s visit.  Something happened after the doctor?  Just tell me. Please!!” Ben pleaded through dark, worried eyes.

Looking up at Ben, Joe suddenly got out of himself and realized that his mood and behavior were causing Ben stress. He moved toward Ben and wrapped his arms around his hips. “Hey, I’m sorry. Yeah, I got some news. It’s good. Just surprising. The timing. But, really good.  Let’s get him to bed…and we’ll talk.”  He looked into his husband’s eyes and brought him into his chest and whispered into his ear, “Ben...”

“Daddy,” Alex called from the top of the stairs. “Help.”

Ben released Joe with a lingering gaze before he bounded up the steps feeling both relieved and curious. Ben changed Alex’s diaper and helped him into the pajamas that were folded neatly on his pillow, as Alex pointed out the different whales in the pattern. Ben marveled at his precious son.

Joe finished in the kitchen and turned out the lights.  The sound of maniacal laughter guided him up the steps.  Entering Alex’s room, he saw Ben laying perpendicular on the toddler bed that was nestled perfectly into a corner of the room.  Ben’s legs were akimbo, his feet splayed out on the floor.  His head leaned against the wall. Alex’s relaxed his head on Ben’s stomach.  He faced out into the room, eyes focused on the book in Ben’s hand.  

“NOOOO!!!!  The octopus goes ‘whomp, whomp whomp,” Alex said, as he pressed his tented fingers into Ben’s stomach.  

“I think the octopus does this,” Ben said, as he released the book on the bed, and leaned toward Alex, tickling him.  Alex rolled around giggling, as Ben angled himself so he wouldn’t roll off the bed.

“You two are INCORRRRRIGIBLE” Joe said, smiling at his two loves.

“InCORR-IJ” Alex mimicked, as he and Ben continued to roll, tickle and laugh.

“Ok, ok Guys,” Joe said softly, trying to infuse some calm.  “Time for bed.”

“Daddy lie down with me.” Alex declared, knowing that usually, Ben would gladly assume the role of Big Spoon until he was close to sleep.  

“No, not tonight.” Joe responded softly but firmly.

Ben gathered himself off the bed and put the book on the side table.  “C’mon, buddy,” he turned down the sheet and comforter and helped Alex scoot in.  He planted a kiss on his cheek as Alex’s arms wrapped around his warm neck.  Joe came over and rubbed Ben’s back, signaling it was time to go.   As Ben pulled away from Alex’s small arms, Joe planted a kiss on Alex’s cheek.  Joe grasped Ben’s hand as they left the room, calling good-night.  

They came into their bedroom and Joe closed the door and locked it.  Ben stood in front of him.

Joe looked at Ben and looked down, thinking of how to start the conversation though he had run through a number of scenarios since the call.  Joe threw his phone on the bed.

“On the way home, I got a call.  It was Mike Ranstad.”

Ben’s mouth formed an O, and he felt his heartbeat quicken. That Fucking Lawyer.  It was a voice that warned of ‘what if’s’ about this, and ‘just have to mentions’ about that.  It was a name that was a constant through the pre-procedure paperwork and the initial benchmarks for viability.  After that, their lawyer affirmed that all terms were set, and the contact with Mike thankfully faded, with a promise of his monthly updates.  

Hearing Mike’s name led Ben to revisit the day they got the call-the call that brought their desired new phase of life to reality and put all that legalese behind them.  They were lounging on the couch, scrolling through their phones in between reading the Sunday Times when Joe’s phone rang.  The number was unfamiliar but the area code vaguely was.   Normally Joe wouldn’t pick up an unidentified number, but something made him curious.

He answered lightly, “Hello.”

There was silence on the line, but some muffling in the background.

“I’m not able to do a survey now,” Joe said, anticipating a political survey.  He was about to hang up when a voice spoke up. A woman’s voice.

“This, this isn’t a survey…. I … I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Joe was perplexed.  “Who…is this?” He put the phone on speaker, and Ben moved closer to the phone and to Joe.

“Are you S-D 78Ol9P? The dad…?”  the voice said uncertainly.

“Is this some sort of joke? I swear I’ll get my fucking lawyer….” Joe’s heartbeat quickened.  Jesus, how did their situation leak out?  Wasn’t this information protected? WHAT THE FUCK?

“It FUCKING better NOT be a joke,” came the voice, hardening now, a southern accent evident. “I’m four months pregnant with a child I have NO intention of raising.  I have $30,000 in college debt to pay off and a graduate school bill pending later this year.”  Her voice then took a softer tone, “I’m Donor/Surrogate E-D/SU 67Y20V.  I’m Lena.”

“Holy shit.” Ben mouthed to Joe. “It’s HER!”

“It’s me,” Ben voiced quickly.  “I’m the dad. I’m Ben.”

Joe flashed him an angry look, uncomfortable with the conversation, trying to remember what was written in all those fucking documents. He couldn’t recall a single thing in the moment, but he was sure they were violating every stipulation they agreed to with their signatures.  

“Hi,” Lena said.

“Is, is everything ok? Are you ok?” Ben tried to sound supportive.  Lena’s comments gave him peace of mind.  Since the beginning, he harbored a concern that she would change her mind and want to keep the baby.  He had read horror stories. There would be a protracted legal battle, and she would win his progeny.   He woke up with nightmares sometimes close to tears.  Joe soothed him, reminding him that their lawyer had carved out their legal rights, and it wasn’t possible.  But the fear remained as an undercurrent during this supposedly happy, anticipatory time.  Finally, Ben breathed in relief.

“Yeesssss,” Lena responded, in her melodic way, “Now that the nausea is over. I’m fine.  Though now I have a diet of mustard greens and chia seeds to look forward to in my foreseeable future.” She gave a little laugh.

“Wow, gosh, is that what you eat when you’re pregnant? Sounds awful.”  Ben said, sympathetically.

She laughed.  “Actually, I thought that’s what you New York City guys would expect.”

“Well, I’m British,” Ben said. “I’m good with fish and chips and bangers and mash. Pretty sure what’s what my mom had when she was pregnant with me.”

Lena laughed, sounding relieved.

“You know,” she said, “I signed all those non-disclosure forms and confidentiality agreements and even something about safeguarding confidential information.  Well, apparently my lawyer Mike didn’t sign one ‘cause your phone number was written plain as day right on the clearly-marked file sitting on his desk.  Anyway, I just started wondering about you, is all.  And I can’t non-disclose unless you disclose.”

She had a point.  Joe and Ben exchanged glances.

“Why don’t you tell us about you first. Make that sheet of paper we got come alive! You show us yours, we’ll show you ours,” Joe said.  “I’m Ben’s husband, by the way. Joe.”

“AKA, the snarky husband,” Lena concluded.

“Uh-huh,”  Joe said trying to hide a smile. He was beginning to cotton to Lena, and he relaxed a little. It was harmless for them to speak at this point, right?

“I’m a future microbiologist, a triathlon athlete and a lesbian.  My wife Kasey is a chemist.  I’m from Tennessee; she’s from Michigan.  We met at the University of North Carolina as undergraduates, and we worked a bit after graduating.  But now we’re back; I’m completing my Ph.D.  Our daughter Lila is three.  This pregnancy isn’t my first rodeo.”  

Joe and Ben burst out laughing.

Lena continued, “Being a parent is awesome! You’ll see!  Anyway, we love to travel and are planning a trip to The Galapagos so I can do some research after this is done -- I mean, after I give birth to your healthy baby. Sorry, didn’t mean to sound crass. So, now….show me yours! Your application said you’re both in media/entertainment.  Big executives, I presume from your income range. Hopefully not the sleazy variety?!” She smirked.

Ben started.  “I’m an actor, actually.  Moved to the States after Joe and I got engaged in Montreal.  We married a year ago and wanted to start a family right away. His mom and siblings are here – in New York.”  

“An actor, huh? Like famous?” Lena asked in her slow drawl.

Ben and Joe laughed. “Depends how you define famous…” Ben said. “Hardy.  Ben Hardy is my professional name.”  They heard her typing into her phone after placing it on speaker.  Joe looked at Ben, concerned once again.  Should he have divulged his name?  It was too late. His emotions were now a mix of excitement and concern.

“Holy Craaappp.  Are those abs real or are they Photoshopped?” Lena queried in a high voice.

“Oh, they’re real, “ Joe responded, not missing a beat.  “VERY. Real.”

“Wow, Kacey works out, and she doesn’t have abs like that.  Maybe you can give her some workout tips.”  They all laughed. “Though, my sexuality is in question right now.” She laughed heartily.

“Well, you’ll have to figure that out with someone else.” Joe said. “He’s very much taken.”

“And what about you, snarky husband?” Lena inquired.

“An actor also, and a writer and director.  I’m his cougar.  Well almost.” They laughed at that too.

“How did you two meet?” Lena wanted to know.

“We were in a movie together-Bohemian Rhapsody.” Ben said, and they smiled at each other.

“Ah, the movie about Queen. Never saw it, but I do like their music.” Lena responded.

Joe felt an urge to wrap up the call.  “Lena, it’s been so nice meeting you, and I guess we’ll see you in a few months.  Thanks so much for the call.  And, we really, really appreciate all you’re doing to help us. Can’t thank you enough.  Really. We’re so excited to be dads.  Thanks….”Joe said.

“It’s a business arrangement, but it’s swell to know that the baby will have dads who love each other -- and who will love him.”

“HIM??????” Ben gasped.

“Oh, um, yeah.  The baby is male.  Guess Mike didn’t tell you. Surprise.” Lena said drolly.

“Wow. That’s amazing.” Ben said, his voice trailing off as he pictured holding his son, and he intertwined his fingers into Joe’s.  

“Can, uh, we stay in touch, um, text?” Ben asked hopefully.

“We can stay in touch, but I don’t text,” Lena said.

“Is that an ethical position?” Joe pried.

“No, just not my thing.   Guess I’m old-fashioned that way. You miss so much wrapped up in the phone.  You have my number now.  You can call. I’ll keep you posted after my doctor visits.”

They ended the call with Lena warmly and fell into each other on the couch, a tumble of passionate kisses and caresses.  “So,” Joe said, rubbing Ben’s thigh, “We have the name, then?”

“Alexander Francis Jones-Mazzello,” Ben responded delightedly.  Other than their marriage ceremony, Joe thought there wasn’t a time when he had seen Ben happier.

***

Back to the present, Joe could tell that Ben was going to a bad place by his facial expression and wide eyes.  He should have remembered that their interactions with Mike Ranstad didn’t conjure positive associations.  

“Hey, Hey, it’s ok,” Joe reached forward and held Ben’s hands. “God, I…just can’t believe it.   Mike had good news. It’s Lena.  She’s pregnant!!” he burst into a wide grin.

“ARE YOU JOKING?” Ben asked, dropping Joe’s hands from the shock.  “What, how??” He ran his fingers through his hair. “I thought she wasn’t even going to try until her classes ended in the spring. And, that’s SO quick; with me it took 3 tries.  Almost a year.”

“Guess my boys are fast swimmers,” Joe winked.  

“OH.MY.GOD.”  Ben said, trying to process the news.  “When is she due?”

“End of August/Early September?  Mike wasn’t sure exactly.” Joe said.

“FUCK.  I’ll be away. I’ll be filming. Till fucking October, they said.”  He took his phone out of his pocket and started scrolling in his text list. I need to let Dan know.  I gotta get out of this contract.  He has to…”

“No, no.  We’ll figure it out…My mom can help.  You worked hard for this dramatic role.  You really want it.” Joe responded calmly.

“No, Joe, this is too important.  I want to be there.” In that moment, Ben didn’t care if he ever worked again.  

“You’ll talk to Dan. He’s an experienced agent and he’ll have ideas,” Joe said in his reassuring way.

“Well, they have to give me a leave or something, right?” Ben considered.

“I’m sure you’re not the only actor who’s had to deal with something unexpected like this.” Joe affirmed. “Guess it’s a relief Netflix hasn’t offered me a full-time gig for this show in LA. That would totally send us off the rails.” Joe mused.

Ben sighed. “I’m happy, but wow, it’s a lot. I mean. I thought we’d have a little more time alone with Alex.  Let him get a little older.  And now, with the Dr. M. visit-we need to figure out what to do for him, with pre-school and…..”

“Yeah, two curve balls in one day. “Well, good curve balls, but still….We’ll figure it all out.  But not tonight.”  Joe moved toward Ben, embracing him and letting his hands sink deeply into Ben’s back pockets as he kissed his lips tenderly.  Ben leaned into Joe, grasping Joe’s lips with his own, as his hands snaked into Joe’s back pockets.  They kissed passionately and then Joe pulled away.  “I didn’t think I could love you more than I do,” Joe said, his hand kneading Ben’s firm ass, “But picturing you with another child….my child.  You’re such a great dad. God, I love you so much….”

Ben swallowed.  “I love you.  And, you’re a great dad too.”  But right now,” Ben bit his lower lip.  “This dad…”  

Joe ate his lover’s words with a hard, open-mouthed kissed, diving his tongue into Ben’s mouth.  He walked Ben toward the bed, pushing him gently onto it. Once Ben reclined, Joe settled his knee on the bed moving it side to side to coax Ben’s legs apart. He took Ben’s hands in his own and eased them above the blonde’s head, pressing them into the mattress as he leaned over him and planted firm kiss after kiss on his swollen lips, their tongues entwined in a pas de deux.  

“Oh, God, Joe….” Ben moaned in between kisses.  

“Want to know what I want to do to you?” Joe asked softly, as he slid his mouth and tongue slowly across Ben’s strong jawline, stopping at his earlobe which he nipped, causing Ben to let out a moan.  Joe continued, “I’m going to start the night by kissing, licking and sucking every inch of your chest…taking my sweet time…paying special attention to your pecs, which I know, drives you absolutely crazy….”

“Fuck, Joe…” Ben said, thrusting toward Joe’s leg.  

The phone ringer was set loudly on vibrate and it started to shimmy on the bed. They couldn’t help but follow the jarring noise with their eyes.  ‘Lena’ lit up on the screen.

“Christ.” Joe said peeling himself up, releasing Ben, now a panting, deep-shade-of-pink mess.  He nodded at Joe, who picked up the call and pressed speaker.  “Lena…” Joe said, instantly switching his voice from sultry lover to upbeat dude, a demonstration of his acting chops.

“Hi, Y’all.  Hope I’m not getting you at a bad time.” Lena said, sounding sleepy.

Ben started to rearrange his lower half, still amazed that Joe could arouse him so quickly when he spoke dirty to him - and he knew Joe had barely started his soliloquy.

“No, no,” Ben said softly rolling on his side facing into the bed to muffle his voice, “Just one of the last times I may have sex for the next 18 years.” Joe leaned over and swatted his butt playfully.

“Do you have any idea what’s it’s like to lie on your back with your legs STRAIGHT UP in the FUCKING air for a half hour--no breaks.  I’m not talking bent legs or yoga-pose legs, I’m talking IN-THE-AIR-SLIGHTLY-OVER-YOUR-HEAD-STRAIGHT-ASS-LEGS. 30 MINUTES. AND BARE-ASS NAKED.  ANY idea what that’s like?” Lena asked, annunciating every word.

“Can’t say I do, but um…thank you??!” Joe responded, his voice rising as he tried for the perfect mix of gratitude and sympathy. “But, I thought that was a myth.” “Well,” Lena said, “I thought so too, but this woman in my lab tried IVF three times and the third time she did the legs-in-the-air thing and she SWORE that’s what did it.  Well, you know, I’d do anything for you boys.  But this one is it for me.  You guys are done after this one, right?”

“Yes,” Joe and Ben resounded together.  

“Have to say, I was surprised it happened so quickly…” Joe said.  “We’re thrilled, but just trying to plan…”

“Well, good luck with that. You know life with kids is all ‘best-laid plans of mice and men,’” Lena said.  “And, how’s Alexander?” her voice rose in a chipper tone.

“He’s great.  Really great.” Ben said, “Hey, Lena. Did you like puzzles-you know, as a kid?”

“As a KID??  What do you mean? Life is a series of puzzles.  I’d be bored out of my mind if I didn’t have a bunch of things to piece together and solve every day!” Lena said.

“And…there we have it.” Joe smirked and then nodded seeing truth in Lena’s statement. There certainly were lots of things to solve-more so now, it seemed.

“Oh, hey, I just had a sonogram and wanted to see if you wanted to know the baby’s…OMG, I gotta take this call-it’s about my research funding-call you tomorrow!” Lena squealed.

“WE WANT TO KNOW, TELL US.” Joe and Ben screamed into the phone, though they realized Lena clicked off.

They both fell back into the bed, groaning and laughing.

“Ok, then.  Not going to deal with that tonight either,” Joe said, heaving a heavy sigh.  “Maybe we should resume our prior positions? Take two?" Joe smiled as he turned off his phone and set it on the side table. He grabbed the remote and dimmed the lights, ready to close this roller coaster of a day – and celebrate their exciting new chapter - in the best way possible.

“You were…talking. Please continue.” Ben said breathing heavy, as he rolled onto his back and spread his legs.

Joe kneeled in between Ben’s parted legs and leaned over him resting on one arm, while the other hand began to unbutton Ben’s shirt slowly, letting his fingers skim his sternum, ever so lightly. His lips hovered just over Ben’s as he spoke. “As I kiss down your chest and abs, you’ll be saying my name over and over in between your delicious moans….I’ll get so hot, knowing how much I’m turning you.”

“You fucking do,” Ben said, his eyes rolling back, his blush returning.  

Joe continued, helping Ben ease out of his shirt.  “When I finally reach your jeans, you’ll be panting. And begging.  I’ll see you twitching--my mouth so close to you. I’ll know you’ll be ready to let passion consume you.  And then, finally, I’ll…”

[littlemeowyoons]

Bonded

A/N- Extra sorry for the late update, I’m still in school and the new semester just got started. Hope you understand for the slow update. :(

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader

Genre: Fluff(lots of them), a drop of angst, Single Dad! AU, College! AU, Introvert! Yoongi, Tutor! Y/n

Word Count:3.2k

Synopsis: Yoongi found a basket left in front of his dorm room one day, and turns out it was his daughter, left alone crying. Puzzled and scared was an understatement. When his 4 semesters roommate Jimin left for his hometown, he was left with the last straw of help, turning to his physics tutor a.k.a friend-that-I-only-know-name-but-have-no-interest-in-knowing-more; you.

Series: Masterlist l Part 1 l Part 2 l Part 3 l 

                                 Pt 4: Lie Honestly

                                              °•. ✿ .•°

“Are you sure about this?”

“I’ve never been this sure ever since I made up my mind that blue looks good on you.”

“Come again?”

You let out a hearty chuckle, repositioning Inara on your lap when you feel her sliding down.

“Nevermind, don’t worry, just go attend your class, it’s starting!”

“I can’t stay calm if I’m not sure both of my girls are okay.”

“We’re okay. It’s just Inara’s getting her monthly shot and a checkup, they’re recording her weight and such. It’s gonna be fine, I assure you.”

“If you say so… just…call me if anything happens.”

“Will do Yoongs, now shoo”

You felt a tug on your arm so you lower down your hand that’s holding your phone, reaching to Inara’s level and she eyes the device with her doe eyes. Maybe hearing her father’s voice is what perks her interest in the first place. She pressed the speaker button-which surprises you the most-then started to mumble and throw in, again, incoherent group of words and soon you hear Yoongi laughing at the end of the line.

“See, even your daughter said we’re fine.”

“I think it’s more like ‘dad stop calling’.”

“Look, I know you’re worried but there’s honestly nothing to.”

“Thanks Y/n”

“No sweat.”

“No I mean…thanks for, like, everything you did.”

It was silence at the end of the line before Y/n spoke again, voice lower than before, “Does calculus had fried your mind into speaking nonsense? I think I’ll ask for an appointment for you too.”

Yoongi let out a hearty laugh louder than what he usually did, amused by your words, or rather smitten.” I have to go, take care you two and also, Inara…”

You lowered down the phone, not that it’s not lowered enough for Inara to hear, before Yoongi continue, “be nice to Y/n okay little one?”

Inara ignore Yoongi and continue to munch on her kitten squeaky toy.

“Spark is a little occupied Yoongi. Call later and maybe she’ll spare you a glance.”

After another laugh Yoongi bid his goodbye and ended the call. You found yourself smiling like a fool, or maybe you are, you thought.

“Min Inara”

“Come on spark, your turn.”

You walk up to counter and the nurse behind the table smiled politely, “Right this way Mrs Min”

She lead the way and you were more than grateful she did because you’ll be too shocked to function properly if you’re the one in front. Mrs Min? As in, the mother of Inara? As in…wife to…Yoongi? It sounds weird, but rather- this part scares you the most- sound neutral. Can you really see your future with Min Yoongi, being his wife, becoming a part of this family? No, no you shouldn’t put your hopes up, you thought.

 You’re part of this family because you want to, not that you were forced. You should’ve left after feeding Inara that day, that damn fucked up day. You should’ve left everything behind. Maybe Yoongi didn’t have the gut to kick you out, you heart spoke, you keep coming back to the dorm how can he, an introvert, find an excuse to not hurt your feeling by being direct? It’s not like he can just come up to you and say, ‘leave you’ve done your part’. Oh you wanted to, not being caught up in Yoongi’s mess, it was his to deal. But the thought of you leaving him struggling on his own didn’t sound right to you. Are you helping him as a friend? Or maybe, as a person who has a little bit of knowledge in this babysitting more than him? Or… is it that you didn’t want Inara to have the same fate as you, left alone without parental support at a young age, losing everything before even knowing you own it in the first place? You feel angry at yourself, you feel hurt, disappointed, sad.  

But most of all, you feel like a fool.

==

“That would be all, take care.”

“Thank you”, you bow politely to the doctor, flashing her your smile before exited the door with a drowsy Inara in hand.

You sit back in the waiting room, cradling the sleepy child back and forth.

“Tired huh?”

She replied, whining shortly, almost as if she understands you. You give her a soft peck on the head, and that’s all it takes for her to drift to dreamland. You were holding her close, when suddenly a hand rustles your hair lightly and a man crouched down to give Inara a small kiss on her forehead.

You smacked the man on his arm, “You scared me.”

Yoongi let out a deep chuckle, smile so wide you wonder if his cheek hurts, because somehow the deep of your stomach does. It was doing somersault of its own. Is he really happy to meet you? No, he’s here for his daughter, get it together Y/n.

“All done?”

You nod, “The doctor left some medicine though, and the bill” you reached into your handbag to pull out a purse, when Yoongi’s hand engulf yours.

“What are you doing?”, Yoongi eyes you deeply.

“Umm the bill-“

“I got this.”

You raised an eyebrow at him, but seeing him unbothered by it, you give up. Instead, you ushered Inara to him, “Here, hold her. I need to go to the restroom.”

Yoongi silently took her away and both of you swapped places, he sit in your seat and you walk away to the nearest toilet.

“Min Inara”

Upon hearing his daughter’s name being called, Yoongi walked up to the small window pane beside the counter, a huge sign read ‘pharmacy’ in blue and white writing sit at the top of it. The nurse spare him a good few seconds glance before getting back to click away some things on the computer.

“You must be Mr Min.”

“Ah yes that would be me”, He smiled politely, bowing a little while struggling to cradle a sleeping kid in his arm, “Is that medicine for my daughter?”

He eyes a few colourful tablets on the desk, already worrying how he gonna get his daughter to eat that. As much as his daughter is curious, he had to admit she was never a fan of sweet things, just like him.

“No no, it was for Mrs Min.”

“Mrs…Min?”

“Yes, your wife, the one who brought in your daughter this morning. Anyway, this is Folic acid tablets…”, the nurse showed him a  dozen red coloured pills in a sachet, “-for her red blood deficiency, two tablets a day after meal.”

She the push to him another sachet of tablets, this time in pale orange, “And this is vitamin C, three tablets a day after a meal.”

Yoongi just watch in silence as the nurse packed in all the tablets away into a small bag. Did he hear her right? Why does his heart flutter this hard? And most of all he’s worried, Y/n had been suffering deficiency? She’s low on red blood cells….and he didn’t even know about it? What kind of friend is he? Maybe she just discovered it today, he hoped, maybe she didn’t tell because even she is clueless about it. But to think that she’s sick right under his nose, he feels awful. He had been too focus on his daughter, that he has forgotten about the one who had been taking care of Inara too.

“Yoons?”

Her voice caught him off guard, he let out a small gasp and quickly turn around.

“What’s wrong? Oh, you got the medicines already. Let’s go, let me take her. You come with a  car...right?”

He didn’t realise she had been talking to him for a while, he had been too lost in his own trance. When he felt a hand laying on his shoulder, only did he snap back to reality.

“Huh?”

“Are…you okay Yoons? You seem out of it. Did they told you something’s wrong with Inara?”

“Ah no no…no. What…were you saying just now?”

You were sceptical but you repeated your question, “You come here with a car right?”

“Ah yes, Jimin’s actually. Come on”

Yoongi lead the way out, barely glancing back, not until you’ve arrived at the car. Yoongi opened the door for you and you slipped in, not forgetting to cushion the back of Inara’s head with your hand as you enter. A few moments later, both of you were on the road in silent. You sense something is bothering Yoongi, at this rate he can’t hide anything from you anymore. You are aware of his small habits he does, like rubbing his thumb against the back of his forefinger, eyes can’t seem to stay on the same spot more than a few seconds, it had been too easy, he was like an open book to you. Now, if only you were brave enough to prompt him about it. The silence had been too thick if no one speaks, it’s gonna drown both of you, so Yoongi started, “Do you have class today?”

“Yoongi…it’s Saturday. Only you have class because your prof couldn’t make it next week.”

“Great, we’re gonna do some grocery.”

You were about to argue, that you had been a burden to him, you were sure you were nothing to him, considering that he ain’t sharing no shit with you, but you were cut off by a loud gurgle.

“Well, hello to you too spark. Look who’s here”

You picked her up to sit on your lap, facing the man beside you and as that her hands shot forward, smile present on her face you could see her gums and a few small bumps of white- she’s gonna grow her teeth soon!!

“Hey little one. Daddy want nothing in the world but to hold you right now, but daddy’s driving.”

“You know driving?”, you speak to her and her eyes shifted to you, those doe eyes that could spring smile onto your face in a record speed, there’s nothing more you love to see then that kid’s smile, that and Yoongi wearing all black from head to toe. You swear you were a sucker for those two.

You spelt out for her and spoke the words very slowly, watching in awe as her small mouth tried to mimick yours while pronouncing it. Her words after comes out in a jumble and sounds nothing like the word driving.

“We could work on that. Now since your father finished his class, we’ll go grocery shopping. You ready for your first grocery day spark?”

Inara let out a deep chuckle, funny, hers sounded just like Yoongi’s.

==

“Do we need bread?”

You turned to face Yoongi, who shook his head, “No we already have it, but we do need jam.”

“One jam of chocolate and peanut butter coming right up.”, you walked down the aisle and grab the jar before heading back to Yoongi, putting it in the trolley.

“It’s your favourite right?”, you glance up to Yoongi, smile still there.

“Yeah…how did you…”

“Know? Yoongi, you served us toasted bread with chocolate and peanut butter jam ONLY on every tutor hour. I started associated physics with chocolate and peanut butter jam.”

“Sorry”

“I’m just joking Yoons, relax.”, you reposition Inara in your arm, her weight is starting to get to you but you don’t want to pass it to Yoongi just yet, holding her gives you sanity rather than thinking 101 reasons why you shouldn’t do grocery shopping with Yoongi. It feels too domestic, and domestic is bad in this case, there shouldn’t be any feelings involved, Inara is your main priority so for now you wanted to believe your fast beating of heart is caused by the joy of holding Inara close.

“What else?”

“Cereal, and milk while we’re at it.”

“On it, the honey one or the wheat one?”

“Y/n, every cereal is made out of wheat”, he chuckled, amused by the girl in front of him.

“The honey one then. I was just making sure if there’s any cereal without-“

You words were cut off as you spaced out, eyes froze on something. Yoongi glance to the same direction but he failed to locate what had made you go speechless.

“Inara”, you squealed, “Look, banana crackers!”

You run (read as walk) to the shelf and pull out a yellow box, handing it to Inara.

“I promised banana crackers right? Here you go.”

Inara spare a glance to the box before hugging it tightly to herself, you nuzzled into her neck, planting a soft kiss along. Yoongi felt like he could melt right then and there, his two most favourite girls are having fun with each other. He feels warm all inside, it was like a dream of his own, Inara is his daughter and you are…his wife.  Yes, he would really want that.

==

“Something happened at the clinic right?”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about Miss Y/L/N”

“Then why did you-“, you turned around carefully, not wanting to disrupt Inara having her own euphoric moment nibbling on her banana cracker, to see a lot of plastics. Your eyes catch the faint image of spinach and beans. Right beside it is cow beef wrapped in its container. You glance back to Yoongi whom eyes set on the road ahead but you were sure he steals a glance at you just now.

“Are we having a welcome party or what…That’s a lot of foods. Foods for…”

It didn’t take long for your mind to piece the puzzle together, “So you do know!”

“Know what? I know nothing.”

“Yoongi…”

He froze in his seat, you rarely call him his real name, not until the words that’ll come out of your mouth will mean some serious business.

“You don’t have to”

“I want to”, he glance at you for mere moments before focusing back on the road.

“But this is too much.”

“No it’s not, this is only a quarter of it. I’m gonna make sure you eat all of those a lot, your body will be full of blood cells.”

“It doesn’t work that way Yoons.”

“I’m gonna make it work that way.”

You feel miserable, now Yoongi is tangled in your shit. You’re not surprised when the doctor diagnosed you with low red blood cells, you had been skipping breakfast for a while now, had lunch on some lucky days and dinner if you remembered. The stress of catching up with due dates and classes and unwritten assignments were getting to you. You should be the one taking care of yourself, not others, you’re not a kid anymore. You don’t want to be a burden your whole adult life, it’s enough that you did so your whole childhood life. No you have to fix that, need to, desperately.

“Up for another stop?”

==

“Any reason why we’re here?”, you eyed him suspiciously, just what else is he plotting?

“Do we need reason to enjoy a cup of coffee?”

“No but…”

You glance around, eyes only seeing a handful of people in the shop. You’ve never been to this particular shop, but you gotta admit they make good hot chocolate, you know you’ll be up in your seat soon to order another one.  But it’s not the fact that the café is almost empty except for some talking figures in the far corner of the shop, but rather it’s the small pounding in your head. It’s an early sign that you’ll get a headache soon which could lead to fever if you’re not rested enough. The doctor’s right, you thought. You had been stressing over so badly these past few weeks, food is not an option anymore to keep going but rather painkiller does. You know it’s bad but you can’t seem to avoid it. The only thing that pushes you is Inara, Yoongi and the constant reminder that this pain will pass.

You were deep in thoughts when you spot a fluffy figure making it’s way to you. You pull out your shirt’s ribbon out of Inara’s mouth and lower her down until her eyes spotted the figure walking on its four legs.

“Look Inara, what’s that?”, you cooed in a baby voice.

Little that you know, the man in front of you had his eyes wide open, start struck by the made up voice that you made which he think is fucking cute, he’s wheezing.

Inara eyed the magical creature (read as cat) snuggling in her open palm, and as that she clenches her hand into a tight fist and yank the domestical mammal tail nearer. You quickly pulled her hand away as the orange tabby cat backed away to another table, probably trauma after the encounter with the kid in a grey banana printed dress.

“Woah there tiger, no no. You don’t go around pulling cat’s hair.”

“And what about you, you shouldn’t go around shoving my daughter’s face to a cat”, Yoongi huffed, pushing his wrist lightly on his cheek, elbow on the table.

“Look Inara, there’s a grumpy cat, you can pull all the remaining hairs off him.”

“Don’t teach nonsense to my child, seriously…”

“Hush Yoongi, between both of us, I know better about children psychological development”

You eyed him sharply, then reached out into your bag, pulling out a cat-shaped rattle and wave it in front of Inara.

“Looook, what’s this?”

You’re more than happy when Inara’s eyes widen, hand sticking out to reach the baby rattle in your hand, then continue to shove it in her mouth. Her hand swinging the item, producing bell sound as there’s a tiny bell tied onto the cat’s neck.

“My daughter is much more intelligence than playing with a bell.”

“I’m trying to train her cognitive Min Yoongi, I would appreciate it if you keep your comments to yourself at the moment.”

“How do we even know it’s working?”

As then, Inara let out a loud laugh and continue to tossed the toy, which headed straight to Yoongi’s forehead. 

“Ouch!”

You know it’s rude to laugh at other’s misfortune, but oh you wish there was a reply button in life, you just got to watch Yoongi’s face another time!

“Inara! Bad girl,”, your words come out between short laughs, “pity, you should’ve aimed for the head”

“Y/n!”

A cherry laugh escaped your mouth as your eyes turned crescent from the way you had been smiling so wide. You find this situation very amusing.

“Ohh cut down some slack yoongs, at least now we know it’s working, we gotta work on her aim though.”

“Y/n…”

Yoongi just let you laugh some more, the frown on his face just now slowly morphing into a soft smile, but when you lean your figure forward, oh boy…mayday mayday code red, abort mission Min Yoongi!

You gently lay your palm onto his face, shining orbs scanning his face, “Nothing’s broken though,”, you chuckled, “You’re okay.”

But he’s not okay, at least the outraging heartbeat in his chest said so.

==

[thearvariblues]

The Bard And The Wolf - Chapter Five

(AKA Geraskier in the Metal Band AU you didn’t know you needed)

AKA me desperately trying to catch up my Tumblr with what’s already been posted to AO3. ;) 

The masterpost for this fic can be found HERE.

5 – No Firstborns Needed

Even though the food Geralt had brought him certainly helped, it still took Jaskier a significant amount of time to recover from the hangover. He had to admit it to himself – he wasn’t getting any younger. There used to be times when he would drink all night and be completely alright in the morning…

Nah, that was a lie. His hangovers always used to be hell, but this was worse than ever.

He was mostly alright, though, when his phone rang in the afternoon.

He answered it without even looking at the screen.

“I’m listening,” he said.

“Uhm. Erm. Hi,” a girl’s voice replied. “This is… This is Ciri.”

“Ciri!” Jaskier beamed. “How are you? I was gonna call you, I swear, I wanted to thank you for sharing the video, and also for not telling on me to your dad… Oh, no, I mean, I probably shouldn’t be thanking you for lying to your father...”

“Didn’t lie to him. Just didn’t tell him,” Ciri said.

“That’s not making it any better,” Jaskier murmured. “Anyway! You were calling me for a reason, I guess?”

“Yeah, yeah. I just wanted to ask… Well, since you’re definitely staying, because the fans really love you, I… I mean… Would you like to go shopping with me?”

“Shopping?” Jaskier blinked. “Oh, you mean for some clothes to fit my new metal singer image?”

“Yes. I know all the good places. Mom takes me with her all the time. I know where they have the best T-shirts and pants and–”

“Yeah, sure, I’d love to go! Wait… Does your father know about it?”

“Does he have to?”

“Well, I’d like to stay alive, so yes, he kind of does.”

“Right. So I’ll… ask him and then call you back?”

“Perfect,” Jaskier smiled. “And what about Renfri? Is she coming too?”

“She said she’d rather cut off her right hand with a pocket knife.”

“I’ll take that as a no.”

“That’s definitely a no. Right, I’m gonna go and ask dad. Might take a few minutes, though. He’s working, and when he’s working, it takes him a while to start focusing on anything else.”

“That’ fine. Yeah. Right. See you soon. Well, hear you soon.”

“Bye, Jaskier.”

*

Geralt didn’t mind Ciri going with Jaskier. He even called Jaskier himself to tell him that. (And also to tell him that Ciri is allowed to buy something, too, within reason, and that he would give her his credit card, in case she wanted something she couldn’t afford to buy with her pocket money… Jaskier couldn’t help but think it was incredibly cute.)

So Jaskier went shopping with Ciri.

Two hours later, he had five large bags of clothes and his credit card was weeping silently in his wallet. Oh, dear, he would have to take some new students. At least two. Maybe even three. He didn’t want to, but he would have to.

Who’d have thought black clothes were so damn expensive?! (Except he absolutely didn’t buy only black clothes, quite the opposite, in fact.)

Right, right. So it might not have been absolutely necessary to buy those black leather pants and that leather jacket… But Jaskier had wanted a real leather jacket for a while, okay?

“So, am I now officially ready to take my place in the band?” he asked Ciri. He’d dropped the bags off at his flat and he and the girl were currently walking to Kaer Morhen’s rehearsal. Ciri was carrying a little bag with a black-and-purple striped dress that Jaskier wasn’t sure Geralt would approve of, but Jaskier definitely approved. It looked so good on the girl. It was stylish, but not revealing, a perfect dress for a kid her age…

“You’re more than ready,” Ciri said. “You look great.”

Oh, yes, so Jaskier had definitely found the time to change while he was at home. He was now wearing tight black pants, a dark purple T-shirt and a black brocade vest that, he had to admit, did wonders for his figure. His waist looked slimmer, his shoulders broader… Yeah, he looked great as hell.

“All thanks to you, mylady,” he grinned.

“Hush. You chose most of the clothes yourself. You just needed someone who would make you actually buy them. Like the coat.”

Oh, yes, the coat. The coat that was currently spread on his bed. The coat that had already managed to become one of Jaskier’s most prized possessions.

The beautiful, steel blue, double breasted, clearly Victorian era-inspired thing cost more than half of Jaskier’s monthly income, and it was love at first sight. He tried to be be strong, tried to resist, tried to remind himself that he was saving money so he could buy his own flat instead of renting it… But then Ciri saw him drooling at the coat and said: “Oh my God, you have to try it on!”

And so he did. And he was lost.

“It’s not exactly… what a metal singer should wear, is it? I mean, the color is so… light? Too light,” he had tried to protest, stroking the fabric lovingly.

“Don’t be silly. Female singers wear light colors all the time. Even mum did!”

“Mum?”

“Yennefer? Hello?”

“Yeah. Of course. Of course. Way to win the fans’ hearts, by pretending to be her.”

“Nobody’s gonna think you’re her, stupid. Buy it. I bet dad’s gonna love it. It’s one of his favorite colors.”

“I’ve never seen him wear anything but black.”

“I didn’t say his favorite to wear. He just… likes it.”

And it shouldn’t have been the last impulse Jaskier needed to buy the fucking thing, but it kind of was.

“I still think you should have bought the golden jacket, too.”

“Sorry, sweetie, but even the coat was a bit too much. The jacket? I could never afford that.”

That beautiful, gorgeous, amazing golden jacket with V-shaped stripes on the front. Oh, yes, he would kill for that beauty, but he wasn’t ready to eat dry rice for the next two months.

“Too bad. You looked beautiful in it.”

“I know, Ciri, I know,” Jaskier sighed.

They were nearly at the door. Nearly at the rehearsal room. But then Jaskier heard fast footsteps behind them and he (stupid, stupid, stupid!) decided to turn his head.

“Oh, hello,” said a voice Jaskier never wanted to hear again. “If it isn’t the useless wannabe singer! And who’s that? She’s a little too young to be your girlfriend, isn’t she?”

“Who the hell is he?” Ciri muttered.

“Valdo Marx,” Jaskier growled. “What do you want?”

“Oh, nothing. I just wanted to say hello!” Valdo grinned a crooked grin. “I saw your video. Man, I’ve never seen something so ridiculous. Have you been kicked out, yet? You’d deserve to be kicked out for that shit!”

“Since there was no bitch around who would be horny for my place in the band… Nope, still in, sorry.”

“And what about that terrible song?” Valdo continued, as if Jaskier didn’t say anything. “Toss a coin to your whatever. I’m not surprised Dandelions had to get rid of you! Ugh, appalling.”

“Excuse me?!” Ciri exclaimed and took a step in Valdo’s direction.

“Ciri. No. He’s not worth it,” Jaskier said, stopping her. “Valdo. May I introduce you to Cirilla, Geralt’s daughter and a former fan of Dandelions, now a devoted fan of Kaer Morhen?”

“And a fan of Jaskier,” Ciri added.

“Geralt? As in the singer of Kaer Morhen?” Valdo snorted. “Oh, dear. You really did suck his cock, didn’t you? Since he’s borrowed you his daughter. Has he fucked you yet? You’ve always said he was a moron, I’m sure you’re really desperate for him to fuck you.”

Jaskier’s eyes went wide, and this time he took a step towards the man.

“What did you say you bitch?!” he growled.

A hand grabbed his shoulder from behind.

Jaskier turned, kind of expecting to see Geralt there, but no. It was Lambert, a smirk on his lips and murder in his eyes.

“Relax, sweetie,” he said. “I’ll take care of it.”

“And you are?” Valdo asked.

“Lambert. Funny you don’t remember me, because you spent weeks trying to get in my pants when you wanted to sleep your way into Kaer Morhen. I ruined it for you by being so annoyingly and boringly heterosexual. Don’t worry, though, even if I was gay, you’d stand no chance.”

“Burn, baby, burn,” Jaskier smirked.

“Now, Valdo,” Lambert continued, his smirk growing a little wider. “My friend Jaskier here might be ready to cut your throat, but I would never let him.”

“Thank… you?” Valdo blinked.

“And if Geralt heard you were mean to his beloved daughter, well… He’s a calm man, I mean, he tries to be. But I don’t think he would remain calm if he heard. You know what they say, demons run when a good man goes to war.”

“Hey. I understood that reference!” Jaskier blinked.

“Shush. I’m in the middle of threatening here,” Lambert said. “Valdo. Valdo, Valdo, Valdo. Trust me. You wouldn’t like what would happen if Geralt heard about this.”

Valdo visibly paled.

“He… he doesn’t need to know, does he?”

“No, no, of course not,” Lambert nodded. “But then again… There’s still me.”

“You?”

“Me,” Lambert grinned. “My dear Valdo. There’s one thing you need to understand about me. I am not a calm man, I am not a good man, but I am also not someone who would just simply cut your throat. No. If you show your ugly face near our rehearsal room again, I am going to rip off your cock, fuck you with it, and then use it to gag you while I cut you open and remove your organs in alphabetical order. Are we clear?”

Valdo’s face was completely void of blood now. All the guy was able to do was a single short nod.

“Good. I’m glad for that,” Lambert said. “Why are you still here, then?”

With all the dignity he had left (which was, well… none), Valdo Marx turned and power-walked away without another word.

“Wow. That was awesome!” Ciri beamed.

“I had it,” Jaskier growled, looking at Lambert.

“I know. You were absolutely ready to cut his throat. Or… throttle him,” Lambert shrugged. “But Geralt doesn’t like that. He always tells me, use your words first, there’s still time for stabbing later. So I do it. I threaten, and then, if it doesn’t help, I stab.”

“And do you… stab a lot?” Jaskier asked, fearing the answer.

“Nah,” Lambert grinned. “But fist fights and bar brawls, well… Those do tend to happen.”

“That’s a relief.”

“I bet. Everything alright, Ciri?”

“Absolutely,” the girl nodded.

“Now, Jaskier. Saw your video. Did you seriously call me a dick?”

“Well,” Jaskier smirked. “You are kind of a dick.”

“Guilty as charged,” Lambert grinned. “Let’s go in. Eskel hates it when we’re late.”

*

They weren’t late, but someone else was. Twenty minutes late, to be more precise. And that someone was Geralt.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” he said in reply to Eskel’s disapproving glance, closing the door behind him. “I was working, forgot time existed.”

“So… as usual?” Renfri smirked.

“Hush, Renfri,” Geralt glared. “It only happens once a month.”

“More like once a week,” Renfri replied.

“Thrice,” Ciri said.

“Did I ask for your opinions?” Geralt growled.

“I’m… I’m sorry,” Jaskier peeped, raising his hand. “I don’t wanna sound like an idiot, really, but… What is it that you do? I mean… your job?”

“Oh, dad’s a blacksmith, and a jeweler!” Ciri announced. “He makes those cool iron monsters and wrought iron fences and amazing rings and necklaces and earrings. Look, he made me this!”

She showed Jaskier her necklace – a beautiful swallow made of silver.

“It’s lovely,” Jaskier smiled. “Wow. Really… Wow. Geralt, what do you want for making a cool necklace for me, too? I’m kind of broke now, I have to admit, but I could offer you my firstborn, if you wanted.”

“I’m kind of glad you asked,” Geralt said. “Because that’s precisely the work I got so lost in.”

“Excuse me?”

Geralt reached into his jacket pocket and took out a pendant on a silver chain.

“I made this pendant for every member of the band. A common symbol, you might call it. A white wolf. Well, a silver wolf, really.”

“Like in the logo of Kaer Morhen? Seriously?” Jaskier blinked.

“Seriously,” Geralt smiled. “And this one is yours.”

“Mine?!”

“You are the member of the band, aren’t you?” Geralt said, raising his eyebrow. “Consider this a welcome gift. No firstborns needed.”

Jaskier raised his hand to gently touch the pendant.

“You’re kidding, right? You gotta be kidding me. How many hours did you spend making that?!”

“Not as many as you probably think,” Geralt chuckled. “I mean it. Take it. It’s yours.”

“I… Thanks, Geralt,” Jaskier beamed and took the necklace from Geralt’s hand. “It’s beautiful. But now I’m realizing… Cirilla!”

“Wow. You sounded just like dad,” the girl said. “And yeah. I knew. That’s why I wouldn’t let you buy any kind of necklace. Sorry?”

“You should be ashamed for lying to me like that,” Jaskier smirked, fastening the necklace around his neck. “How do I look?”

“Gorgeous as always,” Renfri smiled. “Welcome to the band, Jaskier. Officially.”

Eskel cleared his throat.

“Yeah, welcome. There are a few rules you need to know about before you start. Rule number one – if we say the rehearsal is starting at… let’s say seven...”

“And here we go,” Lambert smirked. “Relax, Eskel, we’ll begin in a minute. Jaskier! Have you, by chance, managed to finish that stupidly catchy song that’s been stuck in my head for… five hours now?”

“Toss A Coin?” Jaskier beamed. “Well, I have, actually! Turns out horrible hangovers are surprisingly inspirational. Would you like to hear?”

“Oh, yes!” Ciri said.

“Sure thing,” Renfri nodded. “Hey! We could even squeeze it into the setlist for the next gig! Try it out. See how people like it!”

“You think Geralt will be able to learn a song in a week?” Lambert smirked. “Ouch! That really hurt, Geralt!”

“I hope it did,” Geralt growled.

“You realize that you’re expecting me to learn several songs during the very same week?” Jaskier asked.

“Yeah, but you’re… clever,” Lambert smirked. “Ouch! Eskel, tell Geralt to stop hitting me!”

Eskel raised his drumstick.

“If you don’t stop talking so we can start, I’m gonna help him!”

“I feel very unloved right now,” Lambert muttered.

“You are very unloved right now, I think,” Renfri chuckled.

“Play us the song, Jask,” Geralt said. “Quick. I think Eskel is about to have a heart attack. Ow. Fuck you, Eskel, I’m on your side!”

“Shut up, then,” Eskel growled. “Jaskier. Take your guitar and fucking play.”

“You know, nobody ever told me playing in a metal band was so risky,” Jaskier said. “If I knew… No, no, no, don’t hit the poor bard! I’m playing, see? See? Now, how did it… Oh, yes. When a humble bard…”

“So unrealistic,” Lambert whispered, and Geralt chuckled.

“Poetic license,” he muttered.

Jaskier winked and kept on singing.

Oh, how he already loved this band of idiots.

*

Late that night, already in bed, Jaskier opened his Instagram. He knew he probably shouldn’t. Blue light and all that jazz, right? But he was used to browsing his social media before going to sleep, and hey, he never had any trouble sleeping afterwards. So he opened it, only to find out that he had been tagged in a pic… by Renfri?

He looked at the pic. And blinked. And blinked again.

He hadn’t noticed her even taking the photo, but she must have, somehow.

It was of him and Geralt, face to face, both holding their microphones and apparently singing, eyes closed, faces intense with concentration. It must have been in the second half of the rehearsal, because Geralt had already taken off his jacket. He was only in his absolutely inappropriate tight black T-shirt, and it took all of Jaskier’s willpower not to look at those muscular arms. He scrolled to the caption.

Because it seems that everybody wants to see those two morons on a pic together, I give you: the mighty White Wolf and @jaskierthebard working on Toss a Coin To Your Witcher. And let me tell you – they don’t just look good together, they also sound AMAZING. I can’t wait to play this song live!

#kaermorhen #workinghard #rehearsing #thebardandthewolf

Jaskier rolled his eyes.

The Bard and the Wolf? Seriously?

Yeah, that was never going to catch on…

Continue with Chapter Six

[jiminssizzles]

i did something bad.

Summary: Bangtan has been in LA for quite a while now. Your boyfriend, Jimin, comes home all of a sudden, but why though?

Pairing: Jimin x named f. character

Genre: Angst, Smut

Rating: 18+

Warnings: Implied smut, infidelity, mentions of cum and sex

Word Count: 1.7k+

Author's Note: This is just a product of my PMS so I figured I wanted to fight my boyfriend... I'm sorry.

~

Jimin was panting as he came down from his high. He opened his eyes and glanced at the girl beneath him, fully naked and is still producing shaky breaths as they finished having sex. 

The influence of alcohol slowly and all too suddenly left his body. What is he doing here in LA messing around? Once fully conscious on what he's doing, he's quick to grab his thrown clothes on the floor and quick to run outside the door.

He took a cab to the dorm where Bangtan is staying on their LA escapade. He ran through the front door and took in a sharp breath when he saw Jungkook lying on the couch.

"Where have you been?!" He shouted. Jimin could tell the frustration in his voice. That's when the other members came out from somewhere. Turns out Taehyung is lying on the floor, Jin and Yoongi is in the kitchen while Namjoon came from the bathroom. 

He cleared his throat and shook his head, "I messed up."

"What level of messing up?" Taehyung asked. He regrettably answered, "The highest level of messing up."

"Ya! Jimin-ah! I just saw you alone by the bar last night then the next time I looked for you, you're nowhere to be found!" Hobi stood in front of him with questioning eyes. Namjoon, on the other hand, leaned on the wall next to Jimin. "I saw him with a girl."

"Ya!!! Did you sleep with her?!" Jin shouted, "With that girl wearing a red dress?!" He questioned Jimin with such wide eyes.

"Come on, guys. I didn't even know she is wearing a dress.." Jimin whispered in shame.

"Anyway, we don't care what the hell she is wearing. The deal is you slept with someone else. You better not go back to Korea anymore." Yoongi said while mixing the pancake batter.

"Is she… did she?" Jimin can't put together the right words to say.

"Damn right you are, Park Jimin, Eunhee has been calling us non stop all damn night." Yoongi returned to the kitchen without another word, but it's evident on his face on how pissed he is.

~

The first thing he did when he entered his own room was to call Eunhee. The line started ringing and he started pacing around the room. He knew. He fucking new that this would be their downfall.

Jimin balled his fists and frustratingly punched the wall. This is his fault and he can't help not being disappointed with himself. He can't even remember how he got into that room.

With his trail of thoughts, he finally heard Eunhee speak on the other line. "Where were you? Are you alright? The boys said they lost you! Jimin, I'm so worried!" This broke his heart in ways he could never imagine. Hearing her worried sick about him while he was out there messing up, he knows he doesn't deserve this.

"Jagi.." He whispered, trying his best to control the tears that wanted to come out. "..I'm coming home, jagiya." Jimin said with finality.

"Is there something wrong? You're supposed to come home next week, right? Where were you last night, baby?" Eunhee sighed. "Please, talk to me."

"I will talk to you.. Just let me book a flight back home first." Jimin started putting his things back on his luggage bag. "Are you okay, at least?" She asked him.

"I'm okay, jagi.." Jimin closed his eyes, frustration still evident in his face. "..I just want to see you. I love you."

"Sure?" Eunhee chuckled on the other line, "The amount of your sweetness is too much. You would even go home here first just to be with me. I love you too, Jiminie. You better have a good explanation on where you were last night."

But he didn't have that.

Still, Jimin came back to Korea a week earlier than scheduled. He asked the staff and managers to not go with him to avoid the public eye. He even covered himself good to not catch attention. He did not bother going to Bangtan's dorm. He went straight to the apartment he shares with Eunhee.

Opening the door gently, he was greeted by their cat named Caramel. He gave the cat pats on its head and walked slowly inside. It's already past midnight. Maybe she's already asleep, he thought to himself. 

The walk to the bedroom feels heavy on his chest. 15 hours spent on the plane was nothing. He couldn't decipher what could he possibly say to Eunhee that won't trigger her full blown mad shit.

Jimin found Eunhee sleeping on their bed, hands still clutched on her phone. Maybe she was waiting for me, another thought crossed his head. He found a sticky note on his pillow.

"There's dinner on the table. Knowing you, you'd go straight here rather than the kitchen.

Love you. xx"

There it is again-- that pang in his chest. He remembered all those nights that he's just enjoying Eunhee's cooking and each other's company.

Laying in bed, he hugged his girlfriend from behind. He felt her unconsciously scoot closer to him. Jimin peppered her cheek with soft kisses, occasionally whispering I love you's to her ear.

"I love you, too. You're home." She said in a raspy voice then faced him to hug him back. Burying her face on his neck, she also peppered him with soft kisses. "Did you miss me that much for you to go home earlier than the boys?"

Scared is an understatement for what he's feeling right now. Disappointment also took a major part in his chest. "Yes, I miss you this much, jagi."

She chuckled, "Seriously, Jimin. What made you come home?" Jimin played with his hair and began tracing her back with his fingertips.

He stuttered, "N-not now.." Eunhee finally looked at her boyfriend. "Okay? So, how was life there?"

"Eventful, with the boys. Incomplete, because my stubborn girlfriend can't take a month off with me."

Eunhee gave a peck on his lips, "I do not work in BigHit. At least you still get your salary, I won't."

"I'll pay your monthly salary if you went with me!" Jimin laughed softly, cupping her face and just staring at her eyes.

"Even if she did not go to the Grammys, did you see Taylor Swift?" She asked. "No. I think Taylor-noona is rather busy." He replied and kissed her nose.

"Then it's okay that I didn't go." She smiled and kissed Jimin on his lips. Eunhee was never shy to start make out sessions with him, but this one feels different, considering Jimin still has something to say.

As their kisses get deeper, he felt her lips trail down to his jaw, then to his neck. Jimin did his best to supress his moan, "Jagiya.."

"Mm?" Her hands now travelling South of Jimin's body.

"Jagi, I did something bad.." Jimin whispered. She stopped the kisses and kept her hands to herself.

Jimin sat upright on the bed with his back to Eunhee, "What did you do?" He heard her ask.

"Remember.." He started. "How we couldn't find you last night?" Eunhee finished his sentence.

He gulped, but still felt that fucking lump on his throat. "Yes.." He faced Eunhee and held her hand, "We were out for drinks.. right? The last thing I remember was some girl asking if she could talk to Taehyung.."

"Then?"

He held her hand tighter, fully terrified that this may be the last. "Then the next thing I know, the two of us were in her apartment.. the alcohol.. just took over me.. and when I became conscious again.. she's just.. beneath me."

He finished.

"Beneath you? Like under you?" Jimin, of all people, knows his girlfriend so much. She has this habit of clearing things out no matter how much it will hurt her. "Writhing? Or panting?"

"Eunhee, please.. I'm sorry. I didn't know what happened.." 

"So you did fuck?" She asked straight. Jimin nodded, still staring at her eyes. At this point, he just wished he stayed on his position earlier, not seeing her face. The pain that washed over her wrecked his heart, especially when she pulled her hand away from his grasp.

"Was it worth it?" Looking at him dead in the eyes, she bit her lip. 

"What?" He asked, still lost for words.

"That fuck. Was it worth it?" Eunhee said in a low, stern voice. 

Jimin immediately shook his head, "No.. no, baby. That's why I immediately went home. I can't live with myself knowing that I did something that will hurt you."

"I don't want you going home here because of guilt. I want you here because you miss me, or because you are comfortable here, or because we're each other's home!" She stood up from the bed and began grabbing her phone and wallet, putting it inside her purse.

Jimin stood up, too, quick to grab her to a tight hug, quick to hold on to her tighter. She just stood there, not hugging him back.

The tears that Jimin was trying to hold since last night finally trickle down on his cheeks. "I'm sorry, please.. I feel so bad. I don't know what to do. I'm so lost. This was never intentional. I would never intentionally do anything to hurt you, baby. Please."

"You don't get to feel bad when I told you last night to just stay at home because you're tired, and the alcohol will get the best of you in no time." Eunhee stated, her voice not faltering, not even raised.

That's when he knew that he hit that nerve. If other people is scary when raising their voices, his girlfriend really had it bad when she's already speaking in monotone.

"Stop touching me." She pulled away from the hug, tears finally falling from her eyes. "Props for manning up and telling me, Jimin."

She sighed, "But I can't do this.. I only had one rule for you. Do you even remember?"

"It's you and nobody else." Jimin whispered.

"Did you cum?"

"Does that matter?" He asked.

"Yes."

Jimin wasn't sure whether he should lie, or just tell the truth, but where could lying take him, right? 

"Yes.." He answered.

"Well, you had your fun." She moved away from him. Jimin pulled her hand again to him.

"Let me go." So he let go.

"Let this go, jagiya, please." Jimin begged. He knows it's too much to ask, but the thought of losing her has been heavy ever since the mistake he made.

"No. Let me go, Jimin. Let this shit go. Let this relationship go. I'm done with you." 

She went outside the apartment without another word. Jimin sat on the edge of their bed, still lost in thoughts.

~

Published - 02.11.20

[bnha-headcanon-central]

toshinko

so, i made one about inko, and i tried to keep all my dumbass toshinko hcs to myself because it was about just inko dammit, but its time now

- they started talking because izuku was impulsively dumb and liked to consistently break his bones and someone had to explain to inko why the hell her son kept coming home completely shattered head to toe

- it was really slow at first because inko was absolutely starstruck, and toshi was kinda afraid of delivering bad news to his mentee's guardian on a regular basis, so even though there were some emails passed back and forth about izuku's health, that's all. barely a few, all izuku related. it all really came to a head when toshi had his last stand and ua forced its students to live on campus and their meeting happened

- the emails continued but much more frequently, "izuku's doing well in school! one of the top five in his class!" "oh lovely! i do hope his hero training is going fine! i havent heard of any injuries as of late?" very formal at first. it only takes off because izuku lowkey accidentally invites toshi over for tea and toshi obliges because izuku just wants to spend time with him how could he ever say no to his son mentee

- inko fucking loses it because what the fuck izuku you can't just go casually invting former #1 heroes to our home for tea

- it's awkward.

- it happens again.

- it's a little less awkward.

- and then inko is the one to invite him over for tea because maybe you can just give me your monthly reports in person and i can serve you dinner? it's the least i can do for the person helping my son to acheive his dream

- the rest is history and izuku still sometimes has to sit down because someone brings up that he's the reason all might is dating his mother

- so around the time inko realizes that hey, yagi toshinori (not all might) may be someone i'm interested in, it's been so long and this might go somewhere, she instantly calls up hisashi (who she is good friends with even after they decided that being together together wasn't best for them or izuku) and is like "i'm sending you some goddamned divorce papers because i've got a date"

- hisashi is instantly on it like "hun tell me everything"

- hisashi lets her gush about it over the phone and helps to ease her stress because the last time she went on a date was with him, like twenty years ago

- their first date is a little awkward but it's only because they're both so rusty at the whole dating thing, but it ends wonderfully (a kiss at her doorstep, he walked her to her doorstep what a gentleman) with the promise of another date in the future

- toshinori will casually show up on her doorstep sometimes with flowers just cause and it makes inko melt every time

- most of their dates are at little family run restaurants/diners where they just sit and talk for hours upon hours

- inko has the Motherly Instinct and goes ham on toshi once she realizes that he sometimes forgets to take care of himself at the barest minimum

- it makes her happy to be able to cook for two again, after izuku moved out

- she absoultely teases him about his hero costumes and his hair, because it makes him flustered every time and she thinks it's cute

- one day, the topic of older pro heroes pops up and inko tells toshi that the reason she puts her hair up the way she does is because one of her favorite pro heroes as a kid, nana shimura, wore it like that. toshi nearly cries

- oh shit i totally forgot—

- this ones gonna be long friends so buckle up

- there's a point in her life where she feels like she's lost everything because toshi and izuku come to the consensus that it's time she knows about ofa and it shatters her. they had been keeping this from her for how long? this is how izuku got a quirk? do they realize how much danger they've put izuku into? do they realize that this put not only their lives, but her's and all his friend's lives at stake? they didn't think to fucking ask her permission? they didn't think to even tell her? this wasn't a decision for them to make alone and they should've known that. they've both betrayed her trust and although she loves them both dearly it hurts too much so she kinda just stops talking to them for a bit. not too long, they are her boyfriend (are they still dating after her blow up?) and her son (he probably hates her) but she just needs to be alone, to think and reflect and go about it in a calm manner. she's still angry, she'll never let go of it because it wasn't just something small she could brush off, it was her son's life, but they all talked about it. izuku couldn't exactly get rid of it conventionally so there was no logical point in being upset about it (she knew that but she was allowed to have her emotions and it hurt) but now they definitely include her in conversations about afo and ofa and everything invloving that. (she doesn't tell them but it hurts even more to know that katsuki, the boy that had bullied her son, got to know before her)

- had to get that off my chest but anyways back to our regularly scheduled fluff

- inko is all fluff and toshi is skin and bones so when they cuddle toshi lays on inko and it's literally heaven

- also toshi is little spoon most of the time, though sometimes he'll be big spoon because it's more convenient for his height

- toshi eats like he's starving and inko loves cooking so it's a match made in heaven (inko makes toshi bentos for work and sometimes she'll add little loving notes that warm toshi's heart)

- oh my god izuku doesn't even realize they're dating until he's out with iida and uraraka and iida points out his mother and all might out together, so for the rest of their outing they stalk watch the two to see if they're just out together (???) or if they're on a date (it's the ladder and let me tell you izuku does not handle that well at first)

- inko!!! does toshi's hair!!! to keep it out of his eyes!!! toshi blushes whenever someone points it out but sometimes he'll come into work with hair ties and barrets in his hair to keep his long-ass bangs from flopping everywhere (not that inko doesn't love them, she just assumes it may be inconvenient for work to have them in your face all the time)

- inko sometimes gets insecure about her body and toshi is always, always there to reassure her that she's beautiful, she's magnificent, she's a goddess and she appreciates him more than anything else in those moments because without him she didn't know if she could be as confident in herself as she is now

- toshi knows a thing or two about cooking and baking and he surprises inko on their anniversary with a candlelit dinner with a view, homemade cake, and her favorite flowers. it's super romantic and inko finds it extremely endearing

- izuku will come home every once in a while to find them asleep on the couch together napping and he never knows how to feel about it because he's still not used to his mom dating his mentor, and also now he has to make dinner for three and he's not sure how well it's gonna come out because he was never as good as his mom at cooking

- also toshi and inko are the kind of parents that call up their kid at 2 in the afternoon with the most outlandish questions about technology because for some reason the computer just bluescreened and they don't know what to do, as if izuku knows either

- (slight movie spoilers i guess? only barely) toshi may have been besties with dave in college but does that mean he knows hack shit about tech? hell no. that bitch had to have dave do everything for him and even then he had no idea what he was doing. inko literally is the same way, they complete each other in their idiocy when it comes to that kinda stuff. they both lose all common sense and their collective braincells go flying out the window. toshi spent a whole 7 minutes one time panicking because the tv remote stopped working. 7 minutes. it took him 7 whole minutes before he thought to check if the batteries were dead.

- toshinori is absolutely Dumb And In Love with inko, and he constantly loses his common sense when he talks to her because he just loves her so much. inko is used to this and puts her 1 million braincells to work to make up for her boyfriends idiocy (she finds it endearing that he literally forgets everything because he got distracted by how cute her outfit was, but sometimes it's exasperating like dammit toshi pay attention)

- izuku, once he found out about their relationship, somehow watched these two adults, in a relationship, pine after each other. how does that happen you ask? they just have So Much Love that even when they are dating they still pine

- i'm about to pass out so before i do one last thing—toshi takes inko to nana's grave (not her hero persona's grave, her grave) once they've been together long enough. not only is it a sign of his unwavering trust in her, but also of his vulnerability, and how he allows her to see him at his lowest. inko makes it a point to take flowers to the grave every other week, to show respect to the woman that practically raised toshi and taught him everything he needed to become the best hero ever. she will sometimes sit and talk for a bit, just to thank nana for everything she did as a hero and as a mother figure to toshi

okay i'm going to bed thank you for reading my dumb ship headcanons! yall can pop into my asks and send me your own headcanons anytime! i love hearing what others think! also i love hearing other people talk about my favorite characters too, so never think you're bothering me! until next time friends