#she secretly finds terry hilarious though she’ll never let him know that

[uncharted-constellations]

Barb and the batboys over time

[dontjudgemepeepswrites]

Nosebleed - Jake Peralta

Soulmate AU ~ any injuries you get, your soulmate gets as well. They don't just get the pain.

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y/n - your name

y/f/n -your full name

y/s/n - your surname

y/e/c - your eye colour

y/h/l - your hair length

y/h/c - your hair colour

y/f/f - your favourite food

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"Damn it," I think as I feel a punch to the face. By someone quite buff may I add. Except there's no one here other than me. It must be my soulmate. I then get punched again. For crying out loud, why's my soulmate gotta be so damn reckless? Eventually the punching stops. "Oh, thank goodness," I sighed in relief to no one in particular. However, I do realise I have a nosebleed.

Suddenly, my ringtone goes off. "Shit," I say, quickly grabbing a tissue before pressing accept and putting it on speaker without even looking at the caller ID. "Hello, this is Subway, what can I help you with?" I say, trying to cover up my nosebleed.

"Ha ha, very funny y/n. Anyway, you know how you're medically trained in first aid?" my cousin, Rosa, says.

"Well hello to you too Rosa. I'm good thanks. How about you?"

"I need your advice so I can sort out my idiot of a co-worker."

"What happened?"

"Our sergeant got mad and punched him in the face a few times and he's got a few injuries."

"You could Skype me. I'll be much more use that way."

"You alright? You sound strange."

"My doofus of a soulmate went and got themselves beat up and I've got a nosebleed."

"Oh, ok. I'll Skype you in a minute then."

"Ok," I say and hang up, waiting for the Skype call. Not long after, she calls on Skype and I immediately answer. "Okay, what are we looking at?" I ask.

"A nosebleed and a cut lip by the looks of it. Here, I'll show you," Rosa says, reversing the camera.

"Oh. That's all? It's not very serious Rosa. You just need no apply pressure with like a tissue or something for the lip and to keep his head down and hold the bridge of his nose. Do not tip his head back or he could get a blood clot. But in all honesty Rosa, why did you call me? I'm not an idiot, I know that you know how to deal with this sort of injury."

Rosa flips the camera back onto herself and sighs. "Fine. I just wanted an excuse to talk to you. I mean, you're always so busy and we never talk anymore."

"Look, I'm sorry we don't get to speak as much, but I'm so close to solving this case and it's just... y'know. You're a detective too. But I do have some good news!"

"What?" Rosa asks, genuinely interested.

"I'm moving to Brooklyn!"

"That's amazing, y/n! Do you have anywhere to stay? Because I'd be fine with having you as a roommate."

"Not yet, no. I just wanted to tell you before I made any plans. My precinct is actually quite shit here and I requested to transfer somewhere else in America and they said I could either move to Brooklyn or LA. But I'd love to stay with you, if I won't be a bother. Also, who is the guy that got beaten up by your Sargeant?"

"Jake Peralta. Cocky, childish and yet somehow one of the best detectives at the precinct. And of course you wouldn't be a bother! I'd love to have you here!"

"Hello Rosa's cousin! I'm Jake! The dashingly handsome and charming co-worker Rosa was talking about! Also, Rosa, 'I'd love to have you here', name of your sex tape!"

"I can see what you mean," I say to Rosa.

"Thank you!" Jake says, thinking I'm talking to him.

"I was saying that to Rosa." But he was kinda attractive, I have to admit.

"Oh. But still," he says.

"Y'know what, it's getting late here. I have to go," I say.

"I'm an hour ahead of you. And it's 10pm on a Saturday," Rosa points out.

"I know. I just really want to watch SNL. Sorry. I'll text you tomorrow though?"

"Sure. See ya y/n."

"Bye!" I say and then hang up.

Luckily my nosebleed has finished now. I quickly get up and grab some nachos while the adverts are on for SNL. This is gonna be a good night.

*time skip*

Ugh. I got no sleep last night and now I have a headache. I wonder if my soulmate can feel that. We don't feel every pain/injury the other soulmate feels, just most of them. Guys would absolutely hate it if they were forced to go through period pains every month. Girls would experience it anyway though. Ugh, what am I doing with my life? I'm 31 and I've not found my soulmate. I hate this. All of my co-workers and friends have found theirs. Heck, even my 16 year old niece has found hers and she's about half my age! I should try and get some sleep though. If my soulmate can feel this headache, it can't be very good for them.

*Jake's pov*

"You good there Jake?" Charles asks me.

"No. I've got the worst headache ever. I didn't drink last night. Did Terry punch me that hard? No, I'd have felt it sooner. It must be my soulmate. I hope they're ok, they seem to get hurt a lot."

"You can't speak, you get hurt loads too. I mean, think about it, they must've felt several of Terry's punches from last night. Heck, they may've even got a nosebleed!"

"Wait, what?"

"My doofus of a soulmate went and got themselves beat up and I've got a nosebleed."

"I said that they may've gotten a nosebleed. Why?"

"It's just, I was at Rosa's last night after getting beaten up by Terry because, y'know, she lives nearby and she started talking to her cousin, y/n, and y/n said that they got a nosebleed because their 'doofus of a soulmate went and got themselves beaten up'. And, as far as I'm aware, that's the only actual injury they had."

"Interesting. Could Jakey be finding his soulmate?" Charles suggests, wiggling his eyebrows.

"Possibly. They're moving to Brooklyn so we can try and find out. But whatever you do, we cannot tell Rosa. She'll murder us. Luckily, I don't know if they're hot yet, because I didn't get to see their face, so that may make it a bit easier."

*a month later*

*Rosa's pov*

"Rosa!"

"y/n! I'm so glad you're here! How are you?" I ask, hugging y/n. We've always been incredibly close and they can read me like an open book.

"I'm amazing, Rosa! I really need this. I need a fresh start. The only things that will stay the same is our relationship and how much my soulmate gets hurt."

"Is it that bad? Mine barely ever hurts themself. I'm quite lucky, I guess."

"Yeah, it is that bad. But, to be fair, I get hurt a lot too. I mean, I am a... cop. Wait, Rosa. Do you think my soulmate's a cop too?! That would explain so much!"

"Possibly. But they may just be really clumsy. Like, really clumsy."

"What, so clumsy that they've been shot in the thigh?"

"Wait. Shot in the thigh? Where exactly?" I swear, if it is who I think it is, I'm gonna murder him for putting my cousin/best friend through that pain.

"Um, it was here. I literally had to go to the hospital it was so bad. I called an ambulance by the way. I didn't just drive to the hospital while having a bullet wound." They pointed to where they got shot and it was right where HE got shot.

"Peralta, you're a dead man walking," I mumble underneath my breath so that y/n can't hear me.

"Are you ok Rosa? You're worrying me."

"I'm fine. But if you don't mind me slapping you, I need to test a theory."

"Fine. You can slap me. But please take your ring off. And don't do it too hard," they sigh, knowing that I only ask to do something like that to them if I have a good reason to.

"I'm so sorry for this y/n," I apologise in advance, taking my ring off my finger. "Are you ready?" They nod their head in response. I slap them across the face harder than I intended to. In fact, it left a red mark. "Shit, I'm so sorry y/n. Let me get you y/f/f to make it up to you," I say, feeling extremely guilty.

"It's fine, I've had worse happen to me but thank you for taking your ring off for me," they assure, rubbing their cheek in pain. "But I'm not one to deny an offer of y/f/f so, let's go, I guess."

Once I'm in the car, I get a call from Amy so I answer it. "Hey Amy. What's up? Also, I've got y/n here."

"Oh, hey y/n. How are you?"

"I'm alright, I guess. Rosa just slapped me to test a theory but now she feels bad and is taking me to get y/f/f so that's making me feel better."

"Hang on, Rosa, I need to speak to you in private. Sorry y/n, it'll be nice seeing you again though!"

"Don't worry about it! I understand, you guys probably need to discuss a case or something. I'll just go and grab some takeaway y/f/f since we just pulled up at the shop so you two can talk in private. Bye Amy," y/n says. Bless them, they're so sweet.

Once y/n's in the store, I say "ok, so what's up?"

"Did you slap y/n to see if Jake is their soulmate?"

"Possibly. Why? Did it work? Is he in pain?"

"Yes, it was hilarious. Especially since he was about to make a 'name of your sex tape' joke and then just screamed. How did you know Jake is y/n's soulmate anyway?"

"We started talking about their soulmate and they mentioned that their soulmate got shot in the thigh and pointed to exactly where Peralta was shot. It was so bad that y/n had to go to hospital."

"I guess they're soulmates then. Now what do we do?"

"I don't know, but I know that Peralta's starting to suspect that y/n could be his soulmate. I eavesdropped on a conversation him and Boyle had like a month ago and resisted the temptation to kill him. We need a plan. y/n's going to start working for the precinct in a week so we need to get them together before that. Don't say anything to Peralta, I'll talk to y/n."

"I'm scared about what your gonna do and say, but ok. Alright, I'll see you tomorrow Rosa."

"See ya Amy. Bye," I say and hang up. Right at that moment, y/n comes back into the car with the food.

"So how was your conversation?" they ask, trying to be polite but also secretly being a bit nosy.

"Fine. We're gonna go to my apartment now to eat. Also, I forgot to say, I got you a little welcome gift that I'm gonna give to you then. And don't you dare say what I think you're gonna say."

"A little welcome gift that I'm gonna give to you then--"

"y/n, don't."

"-- name of your sex tape," they say, ready to tuck and roll out of the car if need be.

"You and Jake are definitely gonna get along well," I say under my breath. Either y/n doesn't hear it or chooses to ignore it.

*at the apartment*

*y/n's pov*

"Welcome to your new home. I'll sort out the food, the present for you is on the table," Rosa announces, not needing to give me a tour since I've already been here several times. I look at the table, curiosity oozing out of me.

"Oh my goodness. Are you serious?! Tickets to see SNL live?! You shouldn't have," I say in shock.

"Consider it a welcome present. Besides, it's gonna be night out with the girls. You, me, Amy and Gina, who you haven't met yet."

"What's she like?"

"She's strange, but she has good intentions. Sometimes. You'll like her," Rosa explains. I let out a sigh of relief. "What? You scared you'll have social problems at work?"

"No. It's more just a sigh to show that I'm happy with the choice I've made and to be getting this fresh start with my best friend next to me."

"Ew. Emotions. But, I guess I can make an exception for you," Rosa lets out a small smile.

*the next day*

*Jake's pov*

"Pssst, Jake. We have a pink unicorn," Charles whispers not-so-discreetly.

"Ooh, I wanna see it," Scully says in awe.

"I'll give you a soda if you don't go," I say.

"Deal." I chuck him a soda which explodes the moment he opens it.

"A deal's a deal," I quip, going into the evidence locker. A while ago, Charles and I established a code. A pink unicorn means he's got info about my soulmate.

"Alright, so, y'know how Amy's terrible at lying and keeping secrets? Well I asked her what she's doing on Saturday night and said she was babysitting a datish - a mixture of a dog, cat and a fish - and admitted quite quickly what she was actually going to do: her, Rosa, Gina and y/n are gonna go to the live taping of SNL! I'm actually so jealous."

"Interesting... Boyle, what do you say we have a guy's night out? You and me go see a Saturday Night Live, live. Terry and Holt are probably busy and I don't think either of us really want Hitchcock and Scully to come so that cuts them off. How about it?"

"Are you serious?! A night with my best friend AND Benedict Cumberbatch?! I'd be insane to say no!"

"Great. Pick me up at 9:30 on Saturday."

"Will do."

*Saturday night*

*y/n's pov*

As I get out the shower, there's a knock at the door. I soon hear a voice that I've not heard (in real life) for ages. I quickly put on my clothes that I'm wearing to SNL on and run into the living room.

"Amy! It's so nice to see you again!"

"Hey y/n! It feels like it's been forever! How are you? Have you found your soulmate yet?" she asks, but it looks like she's trying to hide something.

"Amy, are you alright? You seem nervous."

"They're right. What did you tell Peralta?" Rosa asks, filled with suspicion.

"I didn't tell him anything! I told Boyle," she reasoned.

"That's basically the same thing! Whatever Boyle knows, Jake knows. And that's never good," Rosa says, whipping her phone out.

"I'm sorry, can one of you please explain what's happening? Who's Boyle? And what about Peralta? He's Jake, right? The one who got hurt that you called me about. What does he have anything to do with this?" I ask, confused out of my mind. Amy and Rosa look at each other, letting out a sigh of defeat.

"Well, we have reason to believe that Jake... is your soulmate. You remember when I slapped you? I nodded in response. "That's to see if something happened to Jake. It did. I first got to this theory when you told me about your soulmate getting shot in the thigh. You pointed to the exact same bit where he got shot.  Normally, finding out he's your soulmate wouldn't be a problem. You'd just meet in the corny way most soulmates do. But Jake and his best friend, Charles Boyle, figured it out as well. Boyle then asked Amy what she's doing tonight and she told him. I can guarantee that Peralta and Boyle will be there."

"Ok. So what should I do? Should I try and find him or try and avoid him?" I ask, not sure how to handle the current situation.

"It's your choice. You're starting to work with him on Monday so you'll see him soon anyway."

"Ok then. I think what I'll do is not make it too easy for him to find me. If he wants to meet me tonight, I'm not just gonna let myself fall into his palm. And I think I have a plan."

"Great! Now we just need to wait for Gina to arrive," Amy says.

"You called, bitches?" a woman greets as she enters the apartment.

"I like you already."

*at the studio*

"Are you ready, girls?" I ask, a smirk clear on my face. I get an array of yes's in reply. "Good. Now, let's get this show on the road." The girls sit in their seats while I go backstage. I'm so glad that Rosa knows the writers and they helped us arrange something last minute.

"Hello, my name is Benedict Cumberbatch. I'm hosting SNL tonight. I've been about the plan and don't worry, I'll give nothing away."

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

"I would like to know why you're doing this though? If you don't mind me asking, of course."

"Because both him and I are detectives. What kind if detective would I be if I just gave him the satisfaction of meeting his soulmate when he planned it? It would be like a criminal admitting to murdering 19 people and admitting to it the very first time a police officer talked to them."

"Ah, I see. Well, I wish you the best of luck."

"Thank you. Well, I think the show's about to start so, good luck. You'll do great!"

"Thank you. Until we meet again," Benedict says and walks away, making final preparations, I assume.

The music starts and Benedict walks on stage, gaining a wild round of applause.

*Rosa's pov*

"Thank you. Thank you. Thank you all so much! It's such an honour to be hosting Saturday Night Live tonight! It's honestly a bit of a relief. I mean, I've had a tiring day. I would do what all Brits do, which is drink. Like a lot. Or spend ages walking around in hopes that you'll meet someone, literally anyone, that could have anything to do with your soulmate. Anyone. It could even be someone who had a one night stand with them. Actually, I met a very nice detective before I came on. They said their soulmate's here tonight and they were hoping to find them. Young love, am I right? Hey, Beck, how did you know Jessy was the one for you?"

"She punched my arm quite hard and felt the impact herself," Beck answered.

"I meant personality-wise," Benedict whispers.

"Oh. She was kind to me."

"Beck. That's not what I meant. What drew you to her?"

"I just told you."

"Just go get ready for the sketches," Benedict sighs, motioning for Beck to go backstage, causing the audience to laugh. "But anyway, my point was, if you ever feel down, drink like a Brit. Or be desperate. Anyway, on with the show! We'll be right back after a few words from our sponsors." The airing sign turns off, indicating that it's gone to the break.

"Oh my god! Girls, I didn't know you were here! You probably just came for Benedict Cumberbatch though. Anyway, where's your cousin, Rosa?" Jake asks, coming over, Boyle right behind him.

"One, why do you care why we're here, two, why do you care about my cousin, you've never met them, and three, they're not here. The three of us wanted a girl's night and to get away from your annoying ass for two minutes and the tickets were available," I respond in my normal voice.

"Then who's that detective Cumberbatch was talking about, huh?" Boyle questions, pulling a strange face, thinking that he's got us.

"There are loads of single detectives in New York. We all know that. And it's a popular show, there are bound to be other detectives here. Besides, it could be literally anyone in here," I respond. "Now leave my cousin alone. You'll see them on Monday at the precinct." I say this because I know that he'll want to see them before then and now has a time limit. A man tells us all to sit back down so we do.

*Jake's pov*

I walk back to my seat, deep in thought. No matter how much I hate to admit it, Rosa's probably right. As I arrive aback at my seat, I see a note on my chair.

So, you want to meet me before I start work on Monday :D

I sit down, holding the note. What the frick is happening? I look over at the girls and see then smirking at me. Amy holds up a bunch of paper which looks identical to the note I've been given. Those sons of bitches.

*next break*

"Sorry, are you Jake Peralta?" a voice asks me.

"Yes, I am. How can I help?" I say, looking up and seeing the most beautiful person I've ever seen. Maybe this is my soulmate!

"Those girls over there asked me to give this to you." It's another note!

Well I'm not gonna make it easy for you :D

Dammit.

*next break*

"Sir? A group of girls asked me to give you this. I'm assuming it's their phone numbers or something but one with black, curly hair told me not to look," a camera operator says as they hand me another note.

If you can find me by midnight, I'll declare you the best detective/genius there is (yes, I know about that). However, if you don't, you must declare me the greatest detective/genius there is. You'll get your final note at the end of the show from Gina :D

Game on, y/l/n.

*the end of the show*

"Gina, I believe you have something to give me," I say proudly.

"Hand out and eyes closed," she instructs. I roll my eyes but acquiesce. I feel something in my hand. "Open." I look at my hand and then at Gina.

"It's a note. Why did you do that?"

"To stall for time."

Well, Peralta. The time has come and I shall now test your memory skills. Think back to the character that was described in the first sketch. I match that description. Oh, you've also seen me several times so this shouldn't be too hard. I look forward to you telling the precinct about my awesomeness :D p.s. No one's left yet. I have my ways to make this as hard as possible.

The person described in the first sketch. They had... I think it was y/e/c eyes, y/h/l y/h/c hair and y/s/t skin. I head into the lobby, searching for someone who matches my description. It's currently 11:15pm which means I have 45 minutes. That's plenty of time

*11:55pm*

Dammit. There's still no sign of them.

"Hey, Peralta. Take this hint," Rosa says, handing me another note.

I never said I was in the lobby, did I? You know what they say, assuming makes an ass out of u and me ;)

Of course. I'm an idiot. They're a smort detective and figured out that I'd just assume that they were in the lobby. Unless, it's a red herring and now they've entered the lobby. I have another quick yet thorough (title of my sex tape) scan of the crowd. Nope, still no one. I frantically search the building for the last 5 minutes before I lose. Then I hear it. The clock chimes midnight. Dammit. I then get a text from a blocked number.

Blocked Number: sent at 00:01

Too bad you didn’t find me Peralta, I guess you’re just gonna have to see me tomorrow

Dammit.

*Monday*

*Rosa's pov*

"Are you ready to tell everyone how you're better than Peralta, y/s/n?" Rosa asks with confidence as we're in the elevator going up to the bullpen.

"As ready as I'll ever be, Diaz." Just as I say this, the elevator dings open. Peralta looks at who's arriving and I swear, his jaw hits the ground. "Peralta, flies are going to go in your mouth if you don't shut it," I sass.

"It was you?!" he expresses in shock.

"We'll talk about all of that once I've met everyone. That's when you can make the announcement."

"Ah, Detective y/s/n. I'm Captain Raymond Holt. I believe that you're already acquainted with most of the precinct. This is Sergent Terry Jeffords and these are Detectives Hitchcock and Scully. Welcome to the precinct."

"Thank you for letting me join such a high-status precinct, Captain."

"I'm sorry to interrupt, but would you mind telling me why Peralta looks like he's been hit by a mallet seven times?" Sergeant asks.

"Of course. Now, as you may or may not know, Peralta and I are soulmates and all of these detectives figured it out. Except Hitchcock and Scully. But anyway, I decided to play a little game with Peralta since he decided he wanted to hijack my night at SNL with the girls to meet me before today. I wrote him several notes to be given to him at certain points. I gave Peralta an hour to find me, to which he didn't. But the reason why he's so shocked is because I gave him two of the five notes myself! Isn't that right, Jake?" He nods his head. "One time as myself, pretending that Gina, Amy and Rosa gave me one to pass on and the second time as a crew member of SNL. I threw in a little story saying that Rosa threatened me to not open it. I then continued to pretend to be a crew member for the rest of the show. I stayed as a crew member until 11:30. I then went to the bathroom and went back into my clothes from when I gave Peralta the first of the two notes. He swept past me several times without noticing. And the last note was a red herring, but also a genuine reason as to why you couldn't find me. And now, Peralta, I believe you have something to say to everyone here."

"Yeah, you're right," Peralta says with a sigh. Everyone gets their phones out, even those who are unaware of what's about to happen. "y/f/n is the world's greatest detective/genius," he mumbles.

"I'm sorry, what was that?" I ask mockingly.

"y/f/n is the world's greatest detective/genius!" he shouts.

"There we go," I say. He looks at me and pouts. I kiss him on the cheek to get a reaction out of him and he blushes deeply.

"Peralta, are you blushing?" Rosa asks, still filming and loving every moment of this.

"Psh, no. Of course not," Jake dismisses.

"Well I think you're cute when you blush," I admit confidently, knowing he's already wrapped around my finger. His blush gets deeper. "Aww, he's embarrassed. How about we go for drinks after work so I can make up for it?"

"Definitely! I mean, I don't care," he tries to play off.

"You're such a dork, Peralta," I say with a smile.