#she was like 'so it would make sense that you're living in social isolation'

[teplejtrouba]

my psychiatrist confirmed that i am in fact autistic

[mauesartetc]

Have you seen vivzi's tweet regarding the mille situation?

Oh yeah. Though to be clear, it's not just one tweet; it's a motherfuckin' thread (with screenshots below for posterity).

I won't go over this whole thing point by point, but one aspect that jumps out at me is how Viv deflects responsibility from herself onto the viewers. If your audience doesn't fully "understand" your characters, that's a problem. It's your job as a writer to make them understand, and do it in the story you're telling, not on social media. Can't help but see shades of how gobsmacked Fennah was that his audience didn't get how one of his characters represented toxic relationships, despite that character amounting to a harmless, childlike pet.

While Viv's response doesn't demean the audience like Fennah's, it does come off as a tad arrogant, as if Millie being perceived as flat is the viewers' fault, not hers.

The second thing that stood out is the list of Millie's qualities: "She is resourceful, she has strong family ties and memories, she has sibling rivalry, she's excitable and hyper focused." Only three of those are actual personality traits, and I can't even remember her being "hyper focused" at any time. To me, that would suggest working long hours on some kind of project, too engrossed to notice hunger, thirst, or how much time had passed. I guess you could make the argument that she worked tirelessly to become the skilled fighter she is, but we never see that in the show. I'm not even sure how "strong" those family ties are considering Millie didn't even hug her mom when she saw her. Basically, this smacks of telling rather than showing, trying to convince us this is the case rather than letting us see for ourselves.

[Edit 6/10/23 Forgot to mention this tidbit: "we are literally on 3", meaning the third episode. Girl, no. You were literally on ten episodes total, and eleven/twelve (depending on whether or not the pilot counts) with the release of Western Energy. That's way too long to go without properly developing one of the main characters.]

Also, "we found more storylines that influenced Blitz"? You mean you created more storylines with him as the focus. You chose to follow those paths in Season 1. It didn't just happen to you. "Whoops! Tripped over this random plot! Guess I have to use it in an episode!" Obviously Blitzo is the main character so it makes sense that he'd have the most plots centered around him, but it's extremely telling that y'all gave absolutely none of the focus to Millie.

Let's look at the seven episodes of Season 1. Blitzo could be the focus of three, Moxxie could get one, Millie could get one, Loona could get one, and Stolas could get one, and you could save extra story ideas for Season 2. There ya go. Yes, seven episodes is a pretty short season with not much wiggle room to fit all the juiciest stories in, but there's definitely space to tease what's coming. Imply that there's more to these characters and this world than meets the eye. Make the audience hungry for more. This is a fan-funded Youtube series, after all; it's not like any networks or streaming services are threatening to pull the plug if the metrics aren't up to snuff.

Finally, the "this is a male-led show" excuse for female characters being underdeveloped is so weak, especially for an adult show that prides itself on social progressivism. You've got a handful of queer main characters and a trans side character, but fleshing out the women was a step too far-? Y'all are all about spotlighting LGBT stories, but anything resembling feminism that goes deeper than '90s-style "hey, this chick can fight!" girl power? Whoa, that's a bit too much, buddy.

Call me crazy, but shouldn't viewers get the impression that all of a story's principal characters have inner lives, regardless of gender? What is Millie like when she's alone, isolated from her relationships? What does she think about? How does she entertain herself without anyone to brawl with, or anything to hack into with an axe? The show hasn't given us any hints.

Honestly, if you're not good at writing female characters, you're allowed to say that. Yes, it's embarrassing to admit when you're a woman yourself, but if you grew up in a culture that promotes internalized misogyny and prioritizes masculine wants over feminine needs (which many of us did, let's be real), it's understandable. That shit's hard to unlearn. What might make it easier when it comes to characters, though, is what I like to call the Ellen Ripley method.

Challenge, Viv: Write a nuanced male character. Give him strengths and flaws, likes and dislikes, quirks and hobbies, strained relationships and happy ones.

Now make him female.

It really is that simple.

We'll have to wait and see how much that defense regarding Hazbin Hotel truly reflects reality, though if I were a gambler, I'd bet Alastor and Angel Dust will dominate the story and leave Charlie and Vaggie on the sidelines.

[youremyheaven]

Your Angelina Jolie post is super interesting!

(Yapping incoming)

You briefly talked about her childhood and I think something interesting to add is that Angelina says she got called ugly when she was younger for her lips (I say that allegedly as I haven’t actually seen the og sourcewhere she says it). I was never super into the whole Claire Nakti punarvasu beast ugly to pretty video idea, as a native myself, *but* I do feel like it’s common for punarvasu to be called ugly/ experience appearance related trauma in childhood.

Either way I feel like I do see quite a few young Angelina haters who say she was ugly when young- even though us women of culture know she’s always been gorgeous- she did have a physical “awkward phase” in that sense of how she was widely perceived.

Also Maleficent is kind of a punarvasu core role when you think about it. Definitely some other major astro influence in the role as well, I’m not super familiar with her chart. However starting off kind, having someone take advantage of your giving nature, turning into a controlling and unkind leader, and then “returning to the light” by learning how to be kind again through love for a child who saw through the outer “ugliness”. Idk sounds a little punarvasu core to me

I feel like it’s frustrating to guess these things when someone has a planet in the first house which also rules one of the nakshatras, in this case saturn and pushya. It makes it so much harder to go off of appearance. For me personally I spot pushya women by their narrow but full lips (alongside the other traits you mentioned). The beautiful pushya moon native Tripti Dimri has this trait- her lips are full but their shape has a certain narrowness to them.

Going back to Angelina, as you said she has the pushya look anyway bc of cancer + saturn influence, but idk I’ve always felt like it’s a different vibe? The saturn nak women feel a bit more calm and “closed off” if you will(?)

Her having a Jupiter placement would explain this tbh. I’m kind of obsessed with her when she played “Corky”, whenever Jupiter (or mars actually) women do a masc look they eat it up every time!!

I thought Claire's Punarvasu video about ugliness was most relatable to Punarvasu men perhaps because men externalise their traits whereas women internalise them. So Punarvasu/Jupiter men playing the "Beast" made sense to me because they feel hideous and when it's projected outwards (our thoughts create our reality, when someone thinks or believes they're ugly they experience things that affirm this belief?? if that makes sense??) they are perceived as Beastly by others. Also Jupiter dominant people, be it men or women are hella intimidating as all these naks have feline yoni animals (cat, tiger, lion who are all unapproachable and intimidating in their own ways) I think if others are intimidated by you, they're less likely to approach you and if you feel socially isolated like that, you're more likely to think "oh it's because everyone hates me/because I'm ugly" and I think maybe that's why Punarvasu natives struggle with "feeling ugly". Claire did also say that being isolated was a big theme in their lives. It could also be because of how Jupiter's boundlessness means these natives contain too much substance, both good and bad, it's only with age and wisdom that an individual learns to tune out the negativity and focus on the goodness so because of all the internal negativity the natives "feel ugly". Another reason could be that having really turbulent and difficult childhoods are kind of part of the Jupiter experience, if you grow up feeling neglected or if you're abused, you're not going to feel good about yourself?? A lot of people who have childhood trauma also struggle with their self image. Kali Uchis, Punarvasu Sun, Vishaka Moon & Rising spoke about it in this interview about how being abused as a child meant that she hated being looked at or seen :(((

Angelina has mentioned that she hated modelling (which she did briefly as a teenager)

Omg 😳😮 I had never looked at Maleficent that way but damn that does sound very Punarvasu core especially since her own Punarvasu Sun daughter Vivienne was cast to play the young Princess Aurora because all the other kids were scared of her lmao 😭😭

Sleeping Beauty is closely linked to Revati/Pisces as well (She has Revati Moon & stellium)

You're right it is hard to determine bc of her chart 😭😭But Pushya natives imo have longer slimmer faces because of their goat yoni, Angelina's wide expansive face and features are giving Punarvasu 🤌🏼

But also I feel like Saturnian women are very comfortable with their femininity from the get go. They don't transform into it, like Angie did (which is a Jupiterian quality). Salma Hayek, UBP Moon, Madhuri Dixit, Pushya Moon, Miranda Kerr, Pushya Rising, Mariah Carey UBP Sun, Monica Bellucci-Pushya Moon are all Saturnian women who are known for their hyperfemininity. It's inherent to them?? They have this very exaggerated femininity (Pushya is considered the most feminine nakshatra) that I don't see with Angie. She's very poised and elegant now but I see her individuality before I see her femininity?? If that makes sense lol and like you said Saturnian women are 100x more mellow, more composed and overall chill, Jupiter is what creates a more bold/loud in your face kind of persona.

Idk what Corky is 😭😭😭😭please tell me I have no clue 🥹🥹

[eveandphyche]

Monster (2023) or How we fail our children

Yesterday I watched "Monster" from 2023 which was such a well made film, not only in the sense of how it makes you care for each and every character but keeps you on your toes almost through the entire movie.

To me the movie struck a cord bc it seems like a warning. A warning to all of us, or maybe a reminder. To me the movie showed in multiple ways how the adults in the lives of children can greatly impact, detore and fail a child's life.

I'd first talk about Minato's mom. She's a very hard-working single mother, that tries everything to support her son, both emotionally and socially, through standing up and fighting for her son to get justice. It was amazing to see how she reacted calmly and understanding when Minato fumbled his room. She knew it was an outlet for him, not a provocation. So I think his mother is a heart-warming charcater whom we've seen expresses great support and concern for Minato, as a mother should. But what she, in my opinion, fails to do is to listen to Minato more. She says to him a couple of times how he "should grow up, have a family, have children." and he says: " I can' t be like father. (argo I cannot have a wife or children in the common way bc he himself understands that he does not like women, or maybe doesn't want a family like that or some other reasons, it is open for interpretation) And so these words we are all too familiar with- living our lives as one would say as everybody else does. Which for queer kids, folks, people is somewhat of a nuance.

Then we have Hori, the teacher, which we all see after, at his pov, that he takes care of children, teases them and helps them. He IS a good teacher, bc he is a good person, but he too fails Minato and Yori. He says " You are not man enough, not manly enough." very casually to then again tease, but that in itself drives Yori away. Yori says that to Minato when Minato suggests that Yori can confide in Hori for help. But Yori says :"He'd just say I am not man enough." And this is how we alianate children. To me is the weirdest thing ever, to push a child, a boy to be " a man" when they are a child first and foremost.

We have Yori's father of course which I would rather not speak of.

We have the principle, which in my opinion is so flawed, yet so understamding towards Minato. She's the one after all uplifts him and says that everybody deserves and can have happiness in their life. She essentially says: "You're not as damned and lost as you think you are."

At the end Minato and Yori find in each other the understanding that's been missing from their lives for so long, and they allow themselves to be children. Minato allows Yori to be "femenine" and he expresses to him: "You were always normal." He accepts him completely for who he is.

All of this leads me to belive that we as adults push them into a binary, we push them into roles, and we isolate them from themselves and us. Of course we all can agree that it is a queer movie through and through. But I think it also showcases in so many different ways, how adults tend to miscommunicate or repeat bad rethoric to them, making them feel alone and with no one to talk to besides each other.

[transdimensional-void]

So early in the first book Jessica and Leto discuss hanging the painting of Leto’s father in the dining hall and Jessica doesn’t want it there because it’s distasteful for her but Leto gets all “he’s the great late Duke of the grand house atreides” yada yada and says this

Which I felt was a very insensitive thing to say to the woman who was always insecure that he didn’t marry her and second, he loves her. More than that, it distinctly shows the feudalism so entrenched in their society by way of the painting and Leto conveniently never marrying just to keep his “options open” and that is so… and then Herbert being a total misogynist is so on brand.

And then someone said that is an example of Leto being funny and joking with Jessica.

What do you think? because now I feel like I really overthought this lol

i think jessica's reaction makes it clear that, from her perspective at least, that was no joke:

"She held her face immobile, nodded."

throughout the passage, we see jessica suppressing and controlling her emotions several times, so it's obvious here that she's keeping herself from showing how she feels about his "joke."

from leto's perspective, i don't think he was necessarily laughing either. he's certainly being wry. but it's more a case of whistling in the dark, in my opinion, perhaps even lashing out with the intention to hurt. a few paragraphs later, he thinks this:

"Ah-h-h-h, my Jessica, would that we were somewhere else, anywhere away from this terrible place — alone, the two of us, without a care."

this is in response to the realization that she was holding back what she really wanted to ask him when she asked him about his dinner plans. she'd just been thinking about how badly she wanted to influence him to abandon the entire arrakis enterprise but that she refused to use her bene gesserit powers to manipulate him into doing what she felt was best.

there's this ongoing tension between leto and jessica. he holds all of the social, political, and economic power in the relationship, but she has these basically superhuman abilities that could fully take him out any time she wants. but she chooses to submit to him anyway, because she loves him. and the thing is, leto knows that she holds back. she forces herself into the subservient position that is required to uphold his power.

i think leto feels that he is just as trapped by the feudal societal structures they live in as jessica is. as his thoughts later on show, he knows full well that he is wronging her by refusing to marry her. but he also feels he has no other choice, due to the knife's-edge political situation they live in. leto choosing not to marry jessica is not an isolated decision but merely one link in his overall political strategy, a strategy that jessica doesn't fully support but submits to nevertheless.

i think you're right that his words in that moment are insensitive. i think they are born of the anxiety he feels from the unresolved tension in their relationship. from his point of view, he wears this albatross of heritage and duty around his neck (note how they are having this conversation about a portrait of his dead father and the taxidermied head of the bull that killed him, complete with his father's dried blood on its horns), and she won't just accept that that's the way things have to be. jessica first thinks that she could use her abilities to make him budge about moving these disgusting items somewhere other than the dining room. then she thinks that she could use her abilities to make him abandon his plans for arrakis. the two things she wants to change are, in this way, explicitly linked: symbol and reality.

jessica could make everything go the way she believes is best, but instead she does her duty as a duke's concubine and submits to his will. leto's comment hints that if he had married her, she might have to stomach even more unsavory duties. perhaps he truly believes that leaving her as a mere concubine makes her freer in some sense. but i think what his comment reveals most is that he feels hurt by her inability to fully place her faith in his decisions. he's lashing out, prodding at the sore point on purpose.

it's telling that he brings up the word "duty" in that moment. that's really what this conversation boils down to: they're both chained by the sense of duty their society has imposed upon them, and it introduces an unresolvable tension into what otherwise could have been a happy, harmonious relationship.

tl;dr: no, you aren't overthinking it. the person who made that comment is underthinking it.

[stupid-sloot-headcanons]

I wanted to say you've been doing a great job on Heimdall Headcannons. Honestly, it's exciting to read your interpretation of him. I kind of wanted to share some of mine with you just to see what you think. They're more about his parenting that husbandry.

1: Heimdall is a straight-up virgin.

2: His ability to read minds put him off girls and social interactions. He always put it down to "The Guardian of Asgard does not need to waste his time on eager wenches. Maybe you have time to waste on whores, but I have a responsibility."

3: If Darling is also a virgin, even better. He'll view their union as 'pure'.

4: He's very traditional. Praises anything Asgardian. So, he's very serious about the sanctity of marriage. So, being a loyal husband (loyal in the sense that he only sleeps with her - never mind the assholery) and she's loyal to him is a source of pride.

5: If Darling is from another culture, he'll try to persuade Darling from doing that part in raising their child.

6: Their father is Heimdall, their child is Asgardian, they speak Asgardian, they live in Asgard. Why would they need their mother's culture? What culture is better than Asgardian culture? Why confuse the child with their mother's heritage?

7: Heimdall wasn't born with his gifts. They were given to him by Odin. But his children are born with it. He's was quite unsure when holding his child for the first time. Surprisingly vulnerable for a moment.

8: He's not keen on babies, but the honesty and simple-minded, innocent nature of a child is something he quite likes. Because of his abilities, he tells Darling what they need, which is surprisingly helpful for Darling.

9: If he has a son, he's harder on him. But if he has a daughter, He. Spoils. Her. Rotten.

10: He'll take her to the top of the wall, go on rides around Asgard on Gulltoppr, have her sit in the front saddle with him. Anything she wants, she he'll get. But, he'll still place a lot of pressure on her to be as perfect as possible. Teach her to praise the Allfather and think of Asgard as the only civilised culture in the Nine Realms.

11: The daughter will feel lonely and isolated at a young age due to her powers, and Heimdall I think will empathise with that. He'll attempt to make up for it by spending more time with her, telling her she doesn't need them and that she is better than them.

12: Because of this, she idolises him. He's her favourite person in the whole World Tree. And she's his favourite person. He calls her his "Princess". He finds he quite likes beings someone's favourite person.

Sorry for the amount. Keep up the good work. You're doing great.

Legit love all of these

Of course he'd be a xenophobic asshole wanting his family to be only about Asgardian culture, and I can definitely see him being harder on a son than a daughter. Mostly bc he sees himself in them more than he wants, and he wants them to live up to the expectations placed on Odin's "favorite" child

He also views his child and Darling as additional gifts Odin gave him. I mean he also insists that he earned those gifts by being a loyal champion of Asgard, but he treasures them nonetheless. Even if he's an asshole to his Darling during the courtship, his possessiveness comes from his view of his wife as a gift given to him by Odin.

He's a virgin but also can read his Darling's reactions, meaning he has some advantage. He gets upset if they're thinking/feeling afraid, upset, angry, etc. whenever he's trying to bed them; even if he can understand why they feel that way, he doesn't like how it makes him feel to know they don't want him like that. He'll also draw on any feelings of internal conflict (ie. Pleasure despite being afraid/upset when he's got her in bed, sympathy for him whenever he opens up about himself) and use it against them to win them over. What can I say, he's terrible and nothing about him is healthy besides his physique 🤷‍♀️

[carterkeller1234]

Serial Experiments Lain 4/24/24

And here we have the final post that I'm going to make for this class, and we're ending on a work that wasn't even made in the 20th century but is as contemporary as ever with the themes that it tackles. To start off, Serial Experiments Lain is unique in the sense that it has one of the most fleshed out sound designs I have seen in any anime. There's always a constant whirring in the background, creating a constant imbalance that has you begging for silence, however, when you achieve that silence you're met with scenes of intense discomfort and surreal eeriness. The sound design truly contributes to Lain's unraveling psychologically, with the utilization of characters speaking without sound and the amplification of commonplace sounds like chalk on a board, it all works in tandem to sustain the uneasy tone as we find more about the Wired and the many subsets of it. Speaking of which, for a show made in 1998, it has the most contemporary themes I've seen, with it perfectly capturing the wonder that is the internet, where despite having the entire world at your fingertips and connections everywhere, it can still isolate individuals and contribute to loneliness. Lain is a perfect main character to tackle this theme, with her introverted nature being a relatable trait that I myself can identify with, allowing me to understand her head first diving into the internet and how that obsessiveness can affect one's understanding of identity and reality. This series is just so naturally eerie, with the world being drenched in light and the almost-brutalist architecture further contributes to the anxiety this show induces in you. Even the way this anime handles social interactions are so grounded and based in reality, with discussion of tragedies like suicides being treated as less and less significant as the series progresses. In short, the questions that Serial Experiments Lain raises about technology and its relation to identity still remain relevant in modern day, with an almost prophetic understanding of how the internet and digital communication would reshape human lives through vessels like social media, virtual reality, and even more recently the discussion of artificial intelligence.

I feel like this image captures the tone of this show very well, Lain is a just a young girl who seems to be surrounded by this indescribable sense of emptiness and isolation despite having everything she could desire upon first glance. Her also putting this bear suit on is a visual representation of this lack of control and self, as she has a greater understanding of her place as a child in a world she doesn't understand.

I found this conversation between Lain and her father to be a fascinating evolution from the previous one in ep 1. Lain has immediately become more engrossed in her Navi and is now serving as the technologically consumed reflection of her father, who now stands in her position almost confused as to what his daughter has grown into. I plan on rewatching the whole series for context but just from this few episode display, I can tell this show shall be one to remember.

[rhube]

Compelled loneliness and necessitated social isolation: “It’s like being on the other side of a mirror, just looking in”

The analysis illustrates how loneliness can be an integral part of living with ME and offers two novel conceptual contributions - necessitated social isolation and compelled loneliness. Necessitated social isolation concerns how ME symptoms can make social lives increasingly restricted. Compelled loneliness highlights how the combined experiences of both stigma and contested illness can lead to social withdrawal and rejection, which create a sense of loneliness. The article argues that loneliness and social isolation can be conceptually distinct yet recursive and overlapping. With the worsening of ME, the participants experienced a cycle of loneliness, in which social isolation and loneliness reproduced each other. Three key themes draw attention to how loneliness is affected by the situational aspects of living with a chronic and contested illness: (1.) spatial and temporal restrictedness (2.) communicative alienation and (3.) discreditation. The article highlights how health challenges can impact on loneliness and how the stigma of contested illness exacerbates loneliness. ... Despite the apparent prevalence of loneliness, neoliberal discourses on the subject have tended to be excessively pathologised and focussed on individuals’ personal responsibility to overcome and withstand loneliness (Duggan, 2021; Jones, 2022). ... Scepticism and disbelief about the reality and nature (psychological or somatic) of ME, placed a strain on relationships. Friends and family severed ties, or the participants socially withdrew to avoid continuing with negative interactions. Sometimes, there was mutual retreat from a relationship. ... Social withdrawal from negativity and stigma was sometimes necessary to avoid worsening loneliness and to preserve a sense of self-identity and illness narrative. In many cases, social withdrawal and loneliness were the least negative option when faced with humiliation and stigma. Both situations were lonely but withdrawing often seemed less painful than continuing with harmful relationships. ... [F]riends and family were unable to accept that she was genuinely ill so they were offended by her lack of effort... Evelyn was not relieved of her usual roles and responsibilities within her friendship group but treated with scepticism and rejection.

Oof, yeah, this resonates only too deeply.

Worth noting: Only a minority of people these days will out and out say they don't believe you're ill (this is a relatively recent development) even just 4 years ago people were a lot more open in their disbelief. But the vast majority of people will nevertheless disbelieve your symptoms. Again, not by saying 'I don't believe you,' because they know that would make them look bad, but by continuing to behave as though you don't have those symptoms.

That is to say: they still expect exactly the same behaviours, responsibilities, and roles that you fulfilled before you got sick. And if you don't fulfil those, they will be offended, complain about you to other people, and slowly withdraw contact. Sometimes they will get angry to your face about the things you can't do that they perceive that you 'won't' do. It doesn't matter how much you explain that you can't, they will still blame you for not doing the things and for being 'difficult'.

They will also ignore necessary boundaries and limits you set, and go back on any adjustments they have agreed to. Again: in the first instance they almost always assent to what you need and assure you they will respect your limitations. They just don't. They say they will, and they don't.

So yeah, as a result, I have become even more avoidant in my behaviours than ever. I'm desperately lonely, but a lot of the people I *could* contact I don't want to, because they behave in extremely harmful ways when I do.

To be clear: I have a small number of very good friends who don't do this. I am very grateful to them. But the number is very small.

[the-daily-multi-fandom-post]

May I have a Marvel and Justice league match up Please?  I'm 5'4 and have shoulder length blonde hair ( dyed )  with hazel eyes and wear big red glasses. I'm introverted and can usually be found playing video games or listening to music.

I'd say I'm pretty laid back and have a filthy/dark sense of humor. Not big fan of people yet I try to be polite, though come off as awkward and get easily flustered.

I have seven tattoos possibly more in the future. Short tempered and Sarcastic. Great listener, knows when to give others space when needed. Definitely a foodie and love looking up at the stars on a clear night. Unsure of how to help others yet I'lltry anything. ( Male Please ^^ )

Bruce loves when you come to visit him in the lab. He loves when you help him, usually bringing along a cup of warm tea. He loves when you keep him company there making sure he’s never lonely (more like making sure he gets some social interactment.)

When Bruce has some time off from his experiments in the lab the two of you just like to lay in bed and listen to music together. It just cuddle, your limbs a tangled knot as you just enjoyed each others presence.

He would definitely find a way to get to create a 100% damage free, cruelty free hair dye. You would low key be a guinea pig every once in a while whether you have realized it or not

He definitely got nervous around you when y'all first met. He was kinda standoff ish since you weren't really the social type. He definitely noticed Tonys parties were not something you like to do.

He eventually grew a pair and sat beside you at the bar. You were busy talking to a friend beside you to notice him. He got the bar tenders attention and ordered two whiskey sours. The bartender makes the drinks and sits it in front of him. Bruce hands him the cash and tells him to keep the change. And slides a drink beside your empty one and waited for your attention before saying anything. Your friend noticed the drink immediately noticed and raised her eyebrows at you with a smirk. She gets up as she gives you a wink. Mouthing, “You got this!” as she leaves.

You accepted the whiskey sour and started to talk to Bruce. The two of you seemed to instantly kick. The nerd in the the both you coming out when the other had the same interest. The night continued with drinking, laughing and just enjoying each others company.

Bruce has to eat for two (himself and the green guy) so he can definitely put down some food. You're hungry? PERFECT! He's always down for some food. Restaurants, Fast food places, diners, you name it the two of you have been there for a date.

You and Tony can not be in a room together the sarcasm is too much lol

He understands how to calm you down when you're being short tempered.

He use to be the jock. Head of the glass until the accident. He was always and around people and then isolated.

He understands the feeling of not wanting to be around people/ not having the social battery to be around people.

The two of you are the perfect couple. You love to just relax in your bed room play video games together and just live life together.

You love that he is your walking boom box. If you ever think of a song, but only know it by humming he can figure it out. It's amazing!!!

He loves your sense of humor and the way you smile.

He loves your hazel eyes and your Blonde hair.

[kingofstag]

Korra rant

Every day I think about how Korra was the literal avatar, who we know to be the most powerful being alive, not to mention her extensive training will every element but air since her skills were discovered as a CHILD, was just losing physical fights left and right. I'd just like to highlight that Korra was noted to have shown use of THREE elements before even being trained in any of them. It's such a fucking oxymoron to give us a character who is obviously gifted and expect me to believe she can't even beat a villian who just got airbending a week ago??????? Korra writers, are you sure?????? I won't accept any explanation for this because it is bullshit. She is strong and they make that explicitly clear in every other arena than her fighting. She should be a literal force of nature when she's in the avatar state. I think they really fucked up something so simple. Korra’s struggle wouldn't ever have been physical strength, it would have been spiritual. She was heavily isolated and while she definitely had many advisors, she didn't have the first hand knowledge that comes with socialization. On top of that, she was neglecting the roots from which her powers grow. Her gifts come from her spirit as the avatar and if you're not in touch with the source from which you exist you are bound not to totally thrive. I feel that her journey should have been largely spiritual, a guided path for which she learns to appreciate spirituality and how it's more than a necessity and is in fact crucial to her existence to begin with. And you know what you can't also do and also have your spiritual character be spiritually successful? Erase the entirety of the knowledge of her past lives!!! You can't sever her intimate attachment to the reason she exists? What's left of the avatar without the spirit????????????????? What the fuck kind of sense does that make? It's disappointing, poor writing, and shitty shock value. The writing of this show was in the fucking toilet. Anyway, don't get me wrong, I totally think her power would be heavily influenced from her relationship with spirituality, but I still think just generally she wouldn't be out here just losing pro-bending matches like forreal she's a jock but a hugely deadly one? She can lift like five people at once?????? Just think about it. They created a strong woman and then nerfed her.

[scnderisms]

⸻  DIANA SILVERS. SHE/THEY / have you ever heard of SINCERITY IS SCARY by the 1975, well, it describes OPHIR ‘PHE’ SPIEGEL to a tee! the twenty seven five years old, and GAS STATION CLERK was spotted browsing through the stalls at portobello road market last sunday, do you know them? would you say THEY are/is more apathetic or more PATIENT instead? anyway, they remind me of bare feet in the grass, the truth before you're ready to hear it, a nightmare dressed as a daydream, maybe you’ll bump into them soon!

the middle child of the family with an attitude to boot . phe is the second youngest of a relatively well - off family . she watched her oldest sibling , her brother levi , opt out of his parent’s wealth . he worked for everything he wanted . sometimes that seemed like the high road , other times it seemed silly not to take the only leg up you have in the world .

with parents not being around much, due to work, the spiegel siblings bared their grievances in the ways they deemed fit . you can guess how phe took it based on the fact that she resents having to share a birthday week with her older sister (no matter how much she loves her ) . zibby is the life of the party . no matter whose it is , if zibby's there it feel like zibby’s party . phe learned a long time ago to get over birthdays . phe treats it as any other day now , barely remembering to even wish a happy one to their siblings until it pops up on the calendar . 

phe got by — good grades without trying . things came naturally to them in a way that made up for the laziness they had otherwise acquired . it is probably the characteristic she gets the most grief from her family about . 

both intelligence and temper run in the family so it makes sense that phe is easily irritable . similarly to her brother , she doesn’t make friends easily . she’s pretty much stopped trying altogether . unlike levi , she wasn’t too busy . the effort simply did not match the outcome . 

she smokes because it’s comforting . she smokes because everyone smoked at the restaurant she worked at one summer . it was a good way to make acquaintances and almost - friends in school . they had met them in the smoker’s section . it was an introverts dream come true , a social faux pas to rely on for human connection . phe became as addicted to it as the isolation .

anxiety does not hinder this spiegel , but then again phe does worry about having to live up to expectations . it always felt like their parents left a very small margin for error , a line phe was left treading her whole life . they made a point to get away with as much line - crossing as they could while their parents stayed distracted by their siblings accomplishments and lack thereof . this taught them to tread lines with others , remembering that small margins for error make it hard to trust attaching yourself to anyone , especially when error feels preferable at this point of monotony . 

both levi and zibby followed clear cut paths . maggie's path was still being carved out , the youngest spiegel making ophir a part of a sandwich . it was the first time ophir remembers wondering if siblings should have to be consented upon by the siblings that came first . oh well . it was likely maggie would follow the path of levi and zibby and find a passion to pursue . ophir could never relate to that . with levi being practically a doctor and zibby being a marine biologist , how could phe even compete? zibby may have punched out a few kids on ophir’s behalf , but she still came out the other side with a degree . that made any and all previous mistakes forgiveable .

middle child syndrome

their first language is sarcasm

honest to a fault

commitment issues

bisexual, but has not come out to their family

family first, even when phe hates them

teachers will say ' would thrive with a little more effort and a little less attitude '

film professor changed phe's narrative when they wrote mind of her own

first love is film photography

second love made phe regret it

can always be found somewhere out on the grounds taking pictures

turned their bathroom into a dark room

does not share their photography (despite wishing to make a living out of it)

[keepingtallie]

Hello world,

It seems a little funny to write to an audience that could simultaneously be no one and anyone. It's freeing, it's scary. But that's what I'm trying to embrace more of.

The truth is that I am free and I am scared. I have no tethers to any one place. I have money and time (relatively speaking). It's a privilege I've worked too hard for, and one I don't know what to do with now.

The truth is that I am ill. I have been for a long time, and I probably will be for a while still. I haven't worked since the end of December, and I still feel more down than I do up. My job is literally to become healthy, and I'm still not. Today I was walking home from doing the one (1) silly little errand that I forced myself to do, and I felt depressed. I felt overwhelmed and sad and nostalgic and there was a tragedy in how I had to force myself to stop and smell my favorite flower, a beautiful lilac bush entirely out of place amongst litter and traffic. As I traversed the sidewalk, drenched in sun and ignoring the youth loitering on the playground, I kept my eyes on the ground. And I thought to myself, I'm so grateful I have hope that I will get better. And I thought to myself, what about the future, when I lose that hope? And I felt my stomach do something funny.

I read something a few months ago that loneliness begets loneliness. That when you're lonely, people can sense it on you and avoid you. I wonder if that is why I feel out of place amongst a group of my friends now. I saw my ex somewhat recently, and when I sent her a meme that made me think of her, she asked me what was up because when we were together my vibe was off and now I'm sending her a meme like nothing was wrong. And I apologized and explained I am sick. And she said it explained it, thanks, and didn't text again. So it's not company I am lonely for, it is connection.

It's funny because on paper, I'm doing great. And actually, there are a lot of times I am doing great. I love my house. I love my housemate. I love my loved ones. I love the flowers on my kitchen table, and the banana bread I made that is maybe a little too dry this time, and the book I've been writing for myself, and the plans I have been making. I love the books I've been reading, the shows I've been slowly watching, the performances I've had. I love making smoothies in the morning and doing my daily yoga and journaling and feeling like I am caring for myself.

But then also I feel like my very bones are haunted, like I have always been meant to be a recluse caught up in daydreams, that some days all I can do is sit on the couch with my tea and watch the canal and birds and wonder. And at night I still sometimes flashingly wonder what color my veins would cry and I write it in my notes app because isn't it a pretty concept? But I actually already know and it's too morbid to actually put my name onto and I think I would write it more so other people recognize how tortured I am than out of any artistic genius. So I breathe through my tears, which actually is a fiction because I don't really cry, and try to distract myself as I cook dinner or do dishes. And I am thankful I do not fall back onto old coping mechanisms, but I sometimes yearn for it like an old lover.

I wonder a lot if I am loveable. Not explicitly. That would be pretty overwhelming, if I were to admit I don't think I'm loveable. But it is there, in the social anxiety, in the way I avoid the mirror, in the rumination, in the isolation, in the way I suffocate other people with my giving and trying to minimize myself. In some ways, I think I am the best person to walk the earth. In other ways, I think I deserve to live a very small, lonely life. I suppose that is maybe just the human experience.

It's annoying, quite frankly, to have a brain like mine. Because I will read this in the morning and see the melodrama, but now, in the coolness of the night, all I know is solitude and bad poetry. Tomorrow, in the blinding light, I will remember that I am loved and love. Tonight, all my friends are these letter keys under my fingertips and the cold tea I have beside me. Tomorrow, I will cancel my plans and hide from my housemate and do Very Important Tasks which will amount to napping, writing, and being depressed, and maybe a pointless chore or two so I don't hate myself.

I don't though. I don't hate myself. I just don't like not feeling in control, and I'm not sure how else I can manage. My therapist is certain I tie my worth to my ability to be productive, and maybe she is right. But I feel more like my tasks are my lifeline to this world sometimes, that the moment I snip away that structure, I will float away. Already, the rope is precariously fraying.

I love myself. I love myself even when I'm sick, or else I wouldn't still be here. I have hope, I have hope still. And I have to have hope that it isn't a finite resource. I am loved. I love. Is there anything else I can do, anything nearly as worthwhile? I suppose there is, because I am quite busy doing everything else in the meantime.

[necroangelz]

points. fellow pure/pures pronouner >:3

also 🪽 and 💌?

indeed ! points back

to be exact i use pure/purest (⁠｡⁠•̀⁠ᴗ⁠-⁠)⁠✧

『 💌 』

a quote/song lyric

" but now that you're gone i have to move on

seems like everyone just smiles staring at the sun

but what about me?

tell me how i will know where i should go?

oh gales, you sing and guide me! "

i looovvveeee this movie so much ehe...... suzu is so me and I'd like to edit it some time

『 🪽 』

infodump about an oc

I'm rather silly tonight so I'm talking about 2 ocs again :3 tbh whenever i talk about 2 ocs in one infodump it's almost always bcz their stories are very interconnected/they're both main characters and the main focuses/they're in love and i need to talk about them at the same time etc . so here we go!

links to their playlist as well as their lore doc. these are photos of Phoebe and nyxa in their regular fairy forms and their everyday outfits. fun fact last year i played their playlist on speaker during New year's Eve bc i wanted to manifest a gf n a happy sapphic relationship like theirs and guess what? my wish came true on that year

here we have Phoebe and nyxa, my winx club ocs. theyre technically royale high ocs as well. nyxa was the first one i created. i made her during the royalloween 2022 update when the autumn halo with the moon and stars was released. i was VERY VERY obsessed with that halo and i did everything in my power to get it (i never got it). i made an outfit to match the halo if i ever got it (I NEVER GOT IT) and that outfit became an oc!

i first intended to give nyxa a darker story. nyxa, as the antihero, getting swept up in a dizzying whirl of tension, spying on alfea as a secret agent from cloud tower, secretly falling in love when she shouldn't be, nearly dying a few times, etc etc. but all of that changed when i made phoebe, her love interest. so what became of nyxa's story?

nyxa is a wealthy girl from a minor aristocratic family in a kingdom whose name i forgot. unfortunately her family suffered a great tragedy. her family fought over many things, wealth, power, inheritance, rights to ownership of something, lovers, etc. she was forced to witness the fights as they escalated and escalated through the years. her parents sensed when it would no longer be safe for her, so when she was young they sent her off to the countryside to live with a family friend. she had little contact with her family and she was left in the dark about what was going on at home. when she returned many years later, she returned to an empty manor. as far as she knows, she's the only surviving member of her family. as far as she knows.

when she's older, she studies in cloud tower but on her 2nd year she gets transferred to alfea for reasons unknown (Read: I Didn't Come Up With A Reason). her formal and sophisticated attitude (she can't help it, it's a result of her upbringing), her awkward shyness, her closed off personality, and her history in cloud tower caused the other students to stay away from her. rumors were made about her (She's a spy from cloud tower, she has a horrible personality and a superiority complex, she's a princess who was exiled for being a witch and she has blood on her hands, etc.) but people were very intimidated with nyxa so no one directly gave her a hard time. nyxa was good at keeping people away from her and she'd rather die than get close to anyone

nyxa is much more comfortable hiding away parts of herself from the world, even at the cost of her happiness. her trauma with her family makes her fear conflict and mushy emotional situations. she's scared of other people, she's scared of what they could do to her if she lets them get too close. she also had a rather isolated childhood resulting in her social awkwardness

nyxa enjoys writing poetry. she has a cat made of shadows named aponia. aponia can blend into the darkness and change in size. nyxa is skilled in "boy activities" such as sword fighting, sparring, racing with windriders, and dragon taming

nyxa picrews !! (well, in the case of the left photo, it's a meiker). the meiker is more of a hypothetical, alternate non canon design of nyxa. the picrew is nyxa all dressed up. can uu tell i like that picrew maker a lot?

meanwhile phoebe is the absolute opposite of nyxa in a few ways. ngl i lowkey coded phoebe and nyxa to be autism and adhd gfs anyway

phoebe is an absolute ball of sunshine if it wasn't obvious enough by her name and design. she's a very open, sincere, and friendly person. she's extroverted and bubbly. she doesn't notice it whenever she becomes "too much" for other people. people tend to only pay attention to phoebe's friendliness and kindness, because of course that's something they can benefit from. meanwhile they ignore her less perfect characteristics or downright passive aggressively put her down for it. so she has a lot of friends and she's quite popular, and yeah she does have genuine friends who embrace the more different sides of her, but a lot of people just befriend her for what she can do for them and not for her.

phoebe is a musician and aspires to be a rockstar. she's a very light and happy person, so people don't expect that she enjoys gothic rock and metal music. but in general she really really loves music. she listens to music from her headphones wherever she goes. she regularly gets scolded by her teachers for wearing headphones in class and she can't hear anyone at all when she's listening to her music. yeah her ears are probably fine dont worry

compared to nyxa she has a decent family life. her parents had some weird history of some sort but i didn't write that shit down so i forgot what it was LMAO but basically her parents are no longer together and she has four half brothers from another family that her father had. she lives with her biological mother and she has mommy issues. she has a good bond with her half brothers. the brothers are based on the four winds of greek mythology, so from eldest to youngest there's boreas (strict, has a temper, but the most responsible and reliable as the eldest), notos (named notus at birth but he insists that people spell his name differently, reckless, gets into trouble, very self confident, the opposite of boreas), zephyrus (peaceful, looks like the most well adjusted among his brothers, easily overtaken by strong emotions that he tries to suppress, hates making even the smallest of mistakes), and eurus. eurus is around phoebe's age, just a bit older, and he studies at red fountain so they hang out often. eurus has an interest in dragons and bonds with nyxa over this mutual interest. eurus looks very different compared to his brothers and he has a much better bond with phoebe than with his brothers

when nyxa transfers to alfea she becomes dormmates with phoebe (my headcanon is that there's smaller dorms in alfea and not all students share dorms in groups of 5 like winx) the layout of their dorm is basically the royale high 2nd school dorm lmfao

things are awkward between them at first. nyxa is put off by phoebe's personality, and phoebe thinks nyxa doesn't like her very much so she gives her space. she still remains polite and friendly to nyxa, and slowly phoebe's warmth helps nyxa to form a friendship with her. nyxa realizes she actually likes phoebe a lot and starts feeling more comfortable around her too

so yeah. they became friends. i like to think that they were attracted to each other bc they were both "different" from the rest and basically alone with no one else who understood them. they were just in different situations. they don't perfectly understand each other, bc they still have a lot of differences between them, but what matters is they try. and they genuinely appreciate each other. they don't intentionally treat each other any different, give each other a hard time etc. they help each other in any way they can

and also what matters is they fall in love eventually LMFAOO

i don't have a proper storyline set out for this but I like to imagine that at the end of their 3rd/final year at alfea, a concert event is held and Phoebe performs a special song that she wrote... a song she wrote for NYXA!!!! and i headcanon that the song she performed is "she's my religion" by pale waves bc its so lunasolis 👉👈 (yeah that's their ship name. Luna for nyxa, Solis for Phoebe)

Phoebe meiker and picrew

idk what else to add so heres some more photos of them

picrews of phoebe and nyxa as adults! i like to think that phoebe is a rockstar and nyxa works as the head of a detective agency. why a detective agency in particular? I'll explain that soon.....

a few yrs ago i commissioned my friend to draw phoebe and nyxa in their fancy outfits. there's one inaccuracy and it's their height, nyxa is supposed to be taller than phoebe, but it's okay with me i don't really mind. i love it sm and it was my wallpaper for a few months

without realizing it nyxa's story ended up being lighter and happier than i intended but i think I'm ok with that. i think i subconsciously wrote the story that i needed at the time when i made it. i if that makes sense? like at the time i needed to escape into a story with a happy, wholesome relationship so that's what i subconsciously wrote.

anyway tat's all for this infodump

[ausetkmt]

NPR: Why most Americans oppose reparations for slavery

A reparations rally outside City Hall in San Francisco this month, as supervisors take up a draft reparations proposal. The growing number of local actions has renewed hopes and questions about a national policy. Jeff Chiu/AP

Local reparations programs — in about a dozen cities and the state of California — have renewed hopes for an eventual national policy to compensate for slavery. But after decades of lobbying and three years of a national reckoning over race, Americans overall remain strongly opposed to the idea.

When Tatishe Nteta began polling about it several years ago he expected money would be the biggest issue. Or perhaps the workability of such a complex undertaking. It turns out those are the smallest concerns among the two-thirds of Americans who say they're against cash payments to the descendants of slaves.

"A plurality of Americans," Nteta says, "don't believe the descendants of slaves deserve reparations."

The political science professor at the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, plans more research to get at exactly why people think that. The other most common reasons opponents cite is that it's "impossible to place a monetary value on the impact of slavery" and "African Americans are treated equally in society today."

Nteta, and also the Pew Research Center, find about three-quarters or more of white adults oppose reparations, and so do a majority of Latinos and Asian Americans. A large majority of Black Americans support them. There's also more support among younger people and a sharp political divide, with overwhelming opposition from Republicans and conservatives.

The racial wealth gap challenges a core American narrative

On a recent sunny day on the National Mall in Washington, D.C., it was not hard to find reparations opponents willing to share their reasoning.

"You can't take what we know now and try to superimpose yourself onto 150 years ago," says Jeff Bernauer, visiting from Huntsville, Alabama. He calls racism a sin and says of course slavery was wrong. But to try and make amends at this point makes no sense.

"The generation that would be paying for it have nothing to do with what was done in the past," he says. "And then you're paying people that have nothing to do with it in the past."

Terry Keuhn of upstate New York agrees, and does not like the idea of a targeted program that would only help some people.

"We're all immigrants at some point, whether it was voluntary or forced," she says. "And nobody needs a handout anymore. Everybody, you know, pulls themselves up by their own bootstraps and works for a living and makes their way in this world."

That conviction — that hard work pays off — is a core narrative of the U.S., says Yale social psychologist Michael Kraus, and the notion of a persistent racial wealth gap clashes with it. He's surveyed people about this and thinks his findings help explain the broad opposition to reparations.

"A majority of our sample tends to think that we've made steady progress towards greater equality in wealth between families, so between black and white families," he says. "That is totally inconsistent with reality."

Most of those he surveyed thought that today, for every $100 dollars white families have, Black families have about $90. In fact, the racial wealth gap is exponentially larger. Given its magnitude, and the recent intense focus on racial justice around the country, Kraus calls this disconnect a kind of "collective willful ignorance."

Sure, he says, many people — especially white — may be isolated from those in different economic circumstances, and so find it difficult to fathom the enormous wealth gap. But he says it doesn't take much work to understand that Black people continue to be discriminated against in the job market, housing, banking, and other areas. He's come to believe that some — consciously or not — are avoiding information they may find uncomfortable.

The hope that an education campaign can change minds

Dorothy Brown is a convert on reparations. The Georgetown law professor dismissed the idea as impractical and unlikely, until she wrote a book about how even the U.S. tax system favors white families at the expense of Black ones. She decided the country's persistent wealth gap goes back to slavery, and so the only solution is reparations. Although she thinks they should be about systemic changes and not just cash.

"In 2 to 3 years that wealth would wind up in white hands, because our system for building wealth is not one designed for Black wealth," she says.

Brown is not daunted by the lack of public support. Her forthcoming book will make the case for reparations and she thinks many Americans are persuadable.

"Part of it is an education, it's a walk through history," she says. "It's a recognition that, okay, you may not have had anything to do with slavery, but ... your white grandfather got an FHA [Federal Housing Administration] insured loan. My grandfather couldn't because he was Black."

Brown sees a model in U.S. reparations for Japanese Americans who'd been interned during World War II.

Before the activist push for them, "fundamentally there was a lack of knowledge about what happened," says historian Alice Yang of the University of California, Santa Cruz. Then in 1980 and 1981, Congress held hearings in 20 cities around the country, and they included powerful testimony from people who'd been incarcerated with their families as children.

"Those hearings had a major impact on public perception of what happened during the war, how Japanese Americans were affected by it, and why redress might be appropriate," Yang says.

It helped convince some Japanese Americans who'd opposed the idea of reparations. But Yang says public opinion overall was not much of a factor. Japanese Americans at the time were only .5% of the population, mostly in California and Hawaii. The campaign for reparations was really about persuading members of Congress, and "if there had been a lot of public opinion opposing it, I think it might have affected [them] differently," Yang says.

"It's going to be ... decades"

Supporters of reparations for Black Americans consider a national program crucial. Explicitly racist federal policies were key in creating the wealth gap, and only the federal government could come anywhere close to compensating for harms that some have calculated at as much as $14 trillion. Brown sees local reparations as part of an education campaign for a national push, but others aren't sure whether they'll help or hurt.

Nteta, at U-Mass Amherst, believes some places are being mindful of the broad opposition to atoning for slavery. Evanston, Illinois, for example, is providing housing grants for residents who faced discrimination.

"It's not about slavery," Nteta says. "It's about the ways in which individuals who still are alive today were treated during a period of Jim Crow and institutionalized racism. So those people still exist."

If that or another program is deemed successful, he says, perhaps a national roadmap will emerge. But Yale researcher Kraus says they could also prompt backlash and reinforce misperceptions about the wealth gap.

"People could even use local reparations events as evidence that things are moving too fast and unnaturally towards equality, and so we need to stop and take a measured approach," he says.

Nteta already sees a general backlash. He says the debate over critical race theory and how to teach race in schools is "part and parcel of the debate about reparations," and yet another challenge to building support for them.

He says he wouldn't rule out an eventual policy, as young people more supportive of reparations replace older voters. But if it ever happens, "it's going to be, I think, decades."

In the Pew survey, even most supporters of reparations considered them unlikely to happen in their lifetime.

[dzpenumbra]

4/22/23

I'm technically still working, but I decided to come here and do this because... I got to sleep at like 7:30 AM last night. I can not get this shit off my mind. It keeps coming back.

I described it as like... when something that really upsets me happens, it's like a rock thrown in a pond, and emotional ripples just keep popping up every couple hours with lulls inbetween. And this one? This is a big one.

This one is... "if you have a problem? Either you're on your own or you check yourself into a mental institution." "It better be a fucking emergency." It flashes me back to dozens... hundreds of horrible moments. Surreal nightmare moments. Where I was scared for my life, and in several cases my life was actually in danger. Where I was alone and seeing scary things and afraid. And just wanted someone to talk to, to help me make sense of what to do. And I got fucking yelled at. And treated like fucking garbage. Like there was something wrong with me. Like I'm sick. Like I'm weak. Like I'm paranoid. Like I should pull up my fucking bootstraps and just grow thicker goddamn skin and be fucking smarter.

I'm clearly struggling to let it go. I was ranting to myself about it for about an hour in bed as the sun came up, I almost just said fuck it and stayed up. I distracted myself once I woke up. I think I had really vivid dreams too, can't remember. I struggled with yoga for a bit because it was like a fucking radio playing in my head ranting about how fucked up this all is, and "fuck people", and "why would I do anything for these selfish pieces of shit", "what's the point in meeting new people", "why would I ever give another person perspective if like... apparently we're not supposed to be doing that for each other as a society".

Like... am I genuinely supposed to assume that any moment where I'm scared means I'm having a mental health crisis? Like earlier today, I heard a man screaming at the top of his lungs in another apartment. Am I supposed to assume that it is in my head, that it didn't actually happen, and everyone is okay, and just pretend I didn't hear anything? If I start feeling sick, should I just assume I'm overstressed or imagining it and ignore it? I'm just so fucking frustrated about this. Like... I don't know anyone else who lives like this, man! Not even my family, and I'm the least paranoid person in my family. By a fucking long-shot!

He hit some of my big triggers, that's what it really was. The deep ones. Like... the fact that no one will support me, that my family doesn't do their fucking job as family, that my friends wouldn't do their job as friends... because of that, all that responsibility gets thrown onto me. To support myself. To care for myself. To give myself perspective... somehow... How.. fucking... isolating.

I remember when I was in this retreat place trying to get off of meds, you know... because my friends and family wouldn't check in on me to help me safely taper... so I had to check myself into a mental health clinic with 10 people over 10 years younger than me... and the woman who ran the place was on my ass because I wasn't socializing with people half my age. Because I was off doing my own thing a lot, and hanging out in my room. And she told me I was "isolating" and that it was a bad thing for me. Yet, not a single person in that place gave half a fuck about anything I was interested in at all. And they were super rude about it too. They just did whatever the fuck they wanted to do, talked about whatever the fuck they liked, played their music. Shoegaze and drag shows and weird reality shows that made me cringe and all that shit. They shit on all my interests, all my contributions, they made zero effort to get to know me as a person, to get to know what I like, even who I am or why I was there. They treated me like a stereotype of "adult straight white male", and were super prejudiced against me because of it. And I'm "isolating" by not spending time with people who literally barely know who the fuck I am, and don't really seem to care. I was exiled, because I was different. And I let them have their "W", I have plenty of experience in that field, and I just went business as usual without going crying to staff about how mean everyone was being.

See, I just keep going careening down memory lane. All the times when I was scared out of my mind, or being unfairly cast aside, by myself, just wanting nothing more than someone to just... be a goddamn friend. And being rejected, having no one left to even call, or worse... being yelled at and told how me asking for company and support was a problem for them. It's so dark. It makes me scared of people.

Like... how can you see someone you've known for years be scared out of their mind, super confused, alone, just trying to make sense of their situation so they can plot a safe path forward... and roll your fucking eyes at them. How detached from empathy can you be to get to that state?

I have to keep reminding myself that these people probably have never been alone to the degree that I have. They've probably never seen a full week of zero contact with other people. They've probably never been in a thunderstorm alone with the power out by themselves, with no cell service. They've probably never seen a disturbing horror movie and laid in bed alone in the dark for hours jumping at every creak of the old house, wanting nothing more than to just have someone to distract them, but if they even text a friend, they are going to be told how disrespectful and intrusive they are being by even texting.

I have to also remember that... my therapist wasn't saying this. He misunderstood what I was saying, as though I was planning to spam-text a stranger at 3AM every day because I'm hearing people walk down the hallway. And he's right, that's a great way to burn a bridge with a new friend. And I do not fault him for trying to protect me from that rejection and hypothetical conflict.

I've been doing really goddamn good with stuff like this. The usual cabin fever stuff. The creaks and shadows, the sounds from other apartments, the ghostly afterimages of my cat which have bittersweetly faded over time. It really doesn't bother me that much, not nearly as much as it has in times passed. I think it only would become surreally upsetting if I were super sleep deprived or if I were high, I could definitely see that happening. It was just that leg thing. The trauma-related stuff.

Oh, here's the funny part. So I looked up the number he gave me, the mental health line. And there's a note on it that says "In case of medical emergency, call ______". XD So... if I'm having a crisis because I don't know if I'm having a medical trauma flashback or an actual medical emergency, and I don't want to waste medical resources... and then I look up this number and it tells me to not waste mental health resources with medical problems. I mean come on. I dive head-first into a feedback loop!

The part that's upsetting me in all of this is like... the core of the entire mechanism that's fritzing out in that moment is... I don't want to bother people with something that isn't an emergency. I don't want to cry wolf. I don't want to upset people. I don't want to waste peoples' time. And the exact thing my therapist was concerned about was... me wasting peoples' time and resources. And it just made me feel so... insulted, honestly. Meh, maybe that's not the right word. Misunderstood. Unknown. Like he really didn't understand what that moment was for me.

And he did tell me he thought it was a misunderstanding, so... just gotta ground myself there. It still really hurts. I try so hard to be super respectful and thoughtful every day. I try to be very quiet with my footsteps. I wear headphones all the time. I listen to music in the shower, but I try to keep it at a moderate level and I sound checked it a few times outside the bathroom door and it didn't seem too loud, and if one person complains, I will keep the volume lower. I don't skate in town at all anymore. I say please and thank you, and I mean it sincerely. I wish people a good day, and I mean it sincerely. I try not to take or ask for more than I need, I try to give back as much as I can afford. And it's like all that is for nothing.

Ugh. I'm so tired of feeling this way.

I wrote like 7 paragraphs to send to my therapist, clarifying what I felt and why, giving backstory, how it reminded me of my parents and shit. How like... I learned that my family upbringing wasn't healthy... how being like 6 and waking up from an existential nightmare screaming and bawling and having your mom just sorta sit on the bed next to you until you're done crying and then you go back to sleep is like... not normal. How it's okay to admit weakness and ask for support, and it's actually really important to do that. Things that were not taught in my family at all, in fact... much of the opposite was taught. And I was exiled from my family for being "needy", for seeking emotional support in a time of need. And I was going to send that message to him... and the new messaging system had a character limit. Yeah...

So... I told him... I didn't feel comfortable spamming messages at him... in response to him being concerned... that I was going to be spamming messages at people... when I was freaking out... Yeah... It felt like a bad look. I hit a wall with it. I just didn't send it. I went for a walk.

Fuck it. I've been a model therapy client for a long time. He can work for this one. I'm not gonna wear that look. If he wants to know the reason why he set off an anxiety attack that left emotional waves for... 2 days now... he can follow up. I really need to put that energy into like... managing the emotions and taking care of myself. Not worrying about some potential "I told you so" from a licensed professional. Or worry about spoon-feeding context to him outside of session hours.

Maybe I'm doing that whole clawing for resolution thing again. It kinda feels like it. Ugh.

You know, I went for a walk today, and it was totally fine. For the most part. There were two moments that were not okay, that I'll get out of the way first. I explored further up the trail up by where the trail goes under the highway, and I saw a hammock with crocs under it and I got a little sketched out. I was afraid I was about to walk into a homeless camp or something. I probably wasn't, but like... I was alone... I just didn't wanna chance it, so I turned around. It wasn't the end of the world. The other was seeing a guy who was acting weird at the bus stop on my way to the trail, who was still there when I was coming back, so I just took a different path to avoid him. Like... seriously minor shit, totally fine, but bumps nonetheless.

On the plus side, I had a cool synchronicity moment. I was walking the river walk behind this college-age couple with a puppy following them off-leash, it was adorable. I couldn't stop smiling! And after I passed them, I walked past some geese that were being illuminated by the sunset, right as the song had lines that rhymed with "golden goose", like... both syllables, like the rhyme fit perfectly into the chorus. It made me chuckle. And I got this really cool image in my head of this wood carving of a Canadian Goose, then I reworked it in my head into a drawing of one on textile. It was a fun moment. Then like 50 feet later up the trail, I saw a rabbit and had a little eye-contact conversation with it. Then I had in impulse to go on a side-trail to the riverside, and I saw a beaver swimming across the river. And stayed and watched it for a while, which was really cool. It was so big! Then I saw the hammock, so I turned around. But on my way back, I started filming first person on the trail so I have a few minutes of footage to work with for my project.

Overall, it was a really nice walk, very nice day, beautiful sunset, nice encounters with nature. It was a great interlude from the chaos in my head unearthed by this crap.

I made fried rice, it was good. I watched MrMoon and it was a really funny stream. I got a lot of the topographical map animation rendered, I'm 90% sure it's done... I just played a little Risk of Rain 2 to take a break while it was rendering.

Oh shit, also... I was checking out the wood in the woods as I was walking, looking for a decent sized stump that I could haul back and use as a decorative table. I wanted to like... core out the top a bit and plant a moss garden in it? And have it sorta be a standing planter. But... that shit is super heavy, I know that from experience. So... don't really know what to do about that right now, like how I would get that back to my apartment... Not my top priority. But I did spot a bunch of moss that I could harvest if I so choose.

So yeah, here I am. I have three steps left in my video. The last animation section where I draw my transition of thought from AI to... me doing the pathfinding... then the transition from 3rd person to 1st person. Then... the IRL hiking footage. Then... the outro with like... all my inactive social media on it. XD Then it's done-so.

Yay!

So yeah, I'd like to get to sleep a bit earlier tonight. I hope to get to the skatepark soon, and just get outside more. I'd like to go sit at a table by the river and just draw one of these days, like pen to paper in a sketchbook. It's been ages. I miss it.

We'll see what tomorrow brings. I'd really like it if that pestering emotional voice in my head would like... leave me alone about shit that happened years ago. I've been practicing that whole "take the thoughts and pretend they're a leaf and put them on the thought-river" thing over and over and an hour later they just come back. It wears on me.

But hey, on a good note, despite me having all these alarm bells set off... I still went outside and went for a nice walk. I showered and got dressed. I worked on my project. I cooked. I had a normal day. That's really really good. And it was a nice day, that other reliving the past crap aside. I mean that! So I do want to celebrate that and give it the stage-time it deserves.

Here's hoping for a nice, peaceful, happy day tomorrow. For all of us. Cheers!

[itsclydebitches]

Do you consider May's line about her parents to be an example of in-universe transphobia? To me it sounds like it was meant to sound like it without actually being that because CRWBY are incapable of imaging queer people with trauma-less lives. And if it is I don't see how that makes sense given early RWBY's emphasis on self-expression after The Great War™. Why is queerphobia a thing in-universe when negativity like that would attract a metric shit-ton of Grimm? 1/2

In the most straightforward manner possible yeah, I'd say it's in-universe transphobia.

Weiss: Don't you have family in Atlas?

May: No. Mantle needed me and to the Marigolds, that meant I wasn't their son anymore and I made sure that everyone knew that I wasn't their daughter. So forget it. They've got Henry, yours have Whitley... you know what I'm saying.

The implication that the Marigolds still think of May as their son, their rejection of her, her affirmation that this rejection means they don't get her as their daughter either, the comparison to Weiss where May lays out that both have been replaced by the "better" brother who hasn't socially stepped out of line... it's transphobia any way you slice it.

However, the problem for many viewers is that as far as we've been shown, this is an isolated incident. Though queer rep in RWBY is still lacking in numerous respects, everything we have gotten points to a culture that treats gender and sexual diversity as a given. No one has an issue with Blake and Yang beginning to approach one another with romantic overtones. Saphron and Terra's explicit relationship is never commented on (and they were able to adopt a kid). Blake has a problem with Ilia's politics, not her crush. Penny is a synthetic human created from the soul of a man and literally no one cares. The focus is entirely on her potential as a weapon, not on her complex identity. Whether it's overt (Saphron and Terra being married) or a complex gesture towards the diversity of humanity (Penny's existence, two presumed men sharing the same body and raising kids together with a wife), RWBY is a world that for seven and a half years implied a total acceptance of queer identities. Their problems lie in an allegorical form of racism, not who you're falling in love with gender-wise, or what your pronouns are.

Yet here, suddenly, May announces that her parents are transphobic and no one in the group reacts to that with surprise, disbelief, or anger. Weiss' look down is a very sad, but accepting, "Yeah, I know how awful people can be in that regard"... despite this never coming up before. May's admission and the group's reaction implies a transphobia akin to what we have in real life: wide-spread and systematic, to the point where people are no longer surprised by that kind of horror. Yet the rest of RWBY — literally everything except this short exchange — implies that this is a one-off situation unique to the Marigolds, akin to someone announcing their parents' rejection for an identity marker that almost no one else on Earth has an issue with, something there isn't really a term for. Those are two messages that aren't easy to reconcile, but now toss in May's comment that "Mantle needed me and to the Marigolds, that meant I wasn't their son anymore." The way it's actually phrased, it's presented as a class issue. May notably does not say the Happy Huntresses needed her, a group made up of all women, a team that, by default, tells us something about May's identity the moment she joined them. Saying the Happy Huntresses needed her would have made perfect sense here, but May says it's Mantle. The city presumably in opposition to Atlas, where her parents reside. It's a really strangely constructed speech where though the transphobia is intimately obvious — I believe 100% we're supposed to read May's parents as transphobic here — what she actually says makes her gender sound incidental to the rift. May frames this as an Atlas vs. Mantle class issue, she chose Mantle, her Atlas parents hated that, so they rejected their son, except they got that wrong because she's actually their daughter — a correction that's presented as kind of incidental to the actual heart of the matter. Little of this adds up well.

So May drops the reveal that she has transphobic parents in a world that up until now has never dealt with that kind of bigotry (and through the rest of Volume 8 won't deal with it either). Yet simultaneously she makes it sound like her parents actually disowned her because of her support of the lower class, with no bridge made between those two subjects (AKA, the poor, faunus, and other minorities would support a queer individual for a variety of reasons — intersectionality). The group acts as if this is a standard horror people have to deal with on the regular without, again, there being any evidence for that in the rest of the series. Then May is framed as the one in the wrong here because she dared to use the term "sides," supposedly aligning her with Ironwood's philosophy. No one cares that Weiss is ignoring the very real chaos in Mantle, or that people in Atlas aren't dying (the soldiers are dying protecting the people), or that she tries to emotionally guilt May into choosing her position ("Don't you have family in Atlas?"), or that she likewise tries to disagree with May's lived experience — "I don't think —" before everyone is distracted by the term "sides," Ruby insists there are none, and... chooses to do nothing. Imo this scene is a mess, but I fully understand why fans love it simply for the confirmation of a trans character and the (very shoddy, underdeveloped) implication that she's dealt with the kind of hardship many irl trans people have. From a purely surface perspective this scene is emotionally engaging and I had a similar "This is great!" reaction until I thought about what was actually being said for a hot second. That's what so much of RWBY is: wonderful, fun, fulfilling... provided you put it aside the moment you've finished watching. Try to engage with the messages and it all falls apart.

Though people are right to celebrate a variety of queer rep both "good" and "bad," people are also right to point out that RWBY's queer rep is pretty subpar considering what RT is capable of giving us. All of which is to say, yeah, I'd prefer it if RT actually explored the concept of queerness in Remnant, or simply presented a world where queerness is a given and we can see awesome queer characters doing awesome monster hunting things... but what we've got is a show that sometimes throws out a huge implication and then does absolutely nothing with it. Let May be a trans huntress, or let us explore transphobia in Remnant, but don't just toss out what reads like a contradiction during a single scene and then make the trans character out as bad for being influenced by experiences that, apparently, the story doesn't care about except for this single line. This scene wants us to feel for May for having to deal with her parents' transphobia, but it also wants us to sneer at May for daring to put her incredibly limited resources towards the city that welcomed her over the one that rejected her because "there are no sides." As with so many topics, RWBY's desire to toss in representation without doing the work of integrating it into the story-world leaves a bad taste in a lot of fans' mouths. Some are pumped for the representation regardless of the implications surrounding it — and that's great! By all means enjoy the hell out of May — but others are looking at it and flinching, arguing that a trans character's mere existence doesn't make up for how the story uses her. Which is to say, arguably not well. May is a background antagonist during Volume 7, for some reason harbors bias against Penny for being a robot, is snarkily called out on that, reveals her trauma to the group, is shamed for being influenced by it, hops on an airship and then randomly calls in to say that actually you were right this whole time, Ruby, I don't know what I was thinking asking you to do something other than sit in the Schnee's mansion because you don't like the choices available. Then she continues that trend by making a comment in the finale about how of course the group saved them all. Ruby's "no sides" morality is more important than any transphobia May experienced and the way that has shaped her personal priorities.

May's history, her sense of morality, where that bias came from, transphobia in Remnant, other queer identities, how that ties into fear of negativity, her semblance being invisibility... the story doesn't engage with any of it. That makes for FANTASTIC fodder for the fandom who can mine May's potential and explore all the possibilities RWBY never touched, but yeah, RWBY itself has been less than stellar in that regard.