#she’s only the second ever person (that im aware of at least) that i’ve met who has the same diagnosis!!

[hatchetsfield-arch]

my head is covered in blue gunk that they used for all the wires & electrodes to do the sleep deprived EEG this morning and i both look and feel like i walked straight outta professor hidgens lab

[draco-spencers-paramour]

congrats for 300 followers! can I request a 🖤 with draco they have a sort of arrangement where everyday after work he goes to her house eats her out and have sex and then he leaves. they never talk but are catching feelings so one day when he comes as usual. Instead of him going down on her she gives him head and asks him to stay the night when they talk and finally confess?

This description is dirty af.....i love that😉

What you don’t know can’t hurt you

You never expected that after the war the person who helped you forget about the painful memories was the one and only Draco Malfoy.

You had spoken a few times, nothing serious. It was evident that you were both attractive people and there was a mutual awareness of that. Nothing really happened until after the war when school ended. Both of you were left broken and sad, ending up at the 3 broomsticks and then fucking back at yours an hour and a half later after at least 4 drinks about 6 weeks since you’d left hogwarts.

Draco had a job as an auror and you were a healer. Your arrangement was simple. He enjoyed going down on you much to your delight, and sex. But he never gave you the opportunity to do oral on him. Being the gracious person that you are, you wanted to return the favour but no. Because then it was over and he’d leave.

This had been going on for 6 months straight. You and him both trying to find some kind of release and comfort. The only issue was that you both became absolutely head over heels for each other but you had a fear of messing things up and ruining your arrangement which stopped your confessions of love. He longed for you, silently pining in desperation for one of you to just say something. Whereas you thought he just needed someone to use to fulfill his sex life, like his own personal fucktoy. Not that you minded but it did make you feel like shit after he left.

However, would you even call Draco your friend? Or was he just a lover..a regular hookup? you weren’t sure but you wanted more than oral and sex. It was mind-blowing but there was not much interaction though just whining of names, moaning and curse words. Even when you’d see each other in the street or at gatherings, you’d exchange the soft hello and not say a word to each other for the rest of the night but would probably leave together to go and fuck at yours.

Tonight was the same weekday routine. You finished your shift at St. Mungos before coming into your apartment in Godric’s Hollow. You got undressed had a shower and put a robe on before sitting on your couch with a mug of tea practically waiting for the boy you loved to knock on the door. And he did.

You swung the door open to see Draco looking rather upset. ‘You alright?’ you asked. He nodded before entering the room and you swiftly shut the door. He placed his work bag down before turning around and immediately placing his lips on yours. You became dizzy and light headed from the emotion he was pouring into the kiss. He must’ve had a really bad day you thought. He picked you up and pinned you against the door, lips never leaving yours. You wrapped your legs around his waist as you submitted full control to him, the bottom of your robe hiking up around your legs almost exposing you bare as his hand travelled along your thigh.

Draco carried you to the bedroom like it was second nature and laid you down on the bed. He began to kiss down your neck as per usual trailing down to your panties. You really wanted to give him full pleasure tonight so you stopped him at your navel by tapping him on the shoulder. ‘Could we switch tonight? maybe i go down on you instead?’ you bit your lip nervous at his reponse. He gave a small smile ‘If you want.’

You smirked and flipped you both over so that he was against the bed lying down. You slowly and teasingly removed your robe. Draco’s icy eyes were over taken by his pupils and his lips parted at the sight of your beautiful naked body. You removed his shirt before sinking to your knees, on the carpet, below the bed and began unbuckling his belt. You took of his trousers and boxers in one swift movement so that he too was now naked. Draco’s dick was prominently standing up against his stomach when you then slowly wrapped your hand around his length and licked up from the base to his tip.

He threw his head back and moaned ‘Oh god y/n, good girl’ this encouraged you to slip your lips around him and slide his cock in and out of your mouth. Draco kept moaning, grunting and swearing as you explored different pressures and boundaries. ‘Fucking hell..i’m gonna-.’ he said as you took him all in and sucked lightly. He gave a long low moan as he came in your mouth and you swallowed every bit of it.

you came up to kiss him which he gladly accepted and flipped the dynamic again with him on top. he pressed your hips into the mattress as he slotted his body in between your legs whilst his mouth was still on yours. He looked at you with an expression you’d never quite seen before. It was soft, curious and lustful almost bordeline loving. He then looked at you as to say ready?

you nodded and smiled before feeling the tip of his cock rub against your clit making you moan softly. Immediately after, you felt what you had been waiting for. Draco. His dick entered you slowly and he set a slow pace. He put his head in the crook of your neck and began kissing and panting. The pressure of the pleasure was too much for you both. The slow pace was absolutely fucking heaven. You were both on cloud 9, involuntarily clenching around him with every thrust. This was not sex, he was making love to you.

‘Oh Draco. Yes...yes..more.’ you whined. He moved his head to suck on your tits as he was fucking into you. That was what pushed you over the edge and you screamed out a string of expletives along with draco’s name as you orgasmed and clenched around his cock. Seconds later he met with his own release cumming inside you, pulling you into a kiss as he came.

Draco slumped on top of you waiting to catch his breath. You knew it would be about another 30 seconds before he got up dressed himself and left. Just as you predicted he stood up, out of the bed and went to the carpet where his clothes were and began to put his trousers back on. No you thought you couldn’t go on like this any longer.

Before your brain could even stop you the word fell out. ‘Stay’ you said, terrified. He blinked and look at the ground and then back up at you and it was simply ‘Okay, sure.’ He removed his trousers being naked once more and climbed back into your bed with you. Draco’s arms instantly came around your waist and you put your leg across his stomach, rested your head on his chest and put your arm across too. You were cuddling Draco Malfoy post-sex.....this does not happen ever **The beautiful boy laid there looking up the at ceiling as you just looked at him

Your eyes finally met ‘You know, we don’t actually speak very much, if at all. Everytime we see each other we say hi but then we don’t talk.’ Draco pursed his lips ‘I don’t know how to speak to people. Especially if i’m fucking them.’ you looked at him confused ‘But the only person you’ve been fucking for the last 6 months is me and when we were in school it was pansy in 5th year and you spoke to her ’ he nodded ‘I know but she was terrible and I didn’t and don’t even like her. It’s just different with you.’

you removed yourself from him and sat up and furrowed your brows ‘Why? Because I’m worse?’ he sat up also and put his hand on the small of your back ‘Merlin, no you’re the best I’ve ever had. But it’s not because of any of that.’ you looked at him even more puzzled ‘Then why?’ you questioned again. He sighed before looking down ‘I love you.’ he admitted. Your eyes widened ‘What?’

Draco frowned ‘Im sorry. I do. I love you. I see you at gatherings laughing so carelessly with your friends and I wish it was me making you laugh. I time exactly when I’ll get to yours so that i know you’ve had enough time to get ready and settled before i come over. I know that you have green tea always and you enjoy watching the rain and having baths. You hate anything orange flavoured and you like muggle TV for who knows why. I know a lot more than you think I do because I want be the person who you feel like home with because I love you and i’ve just ruined everything.’ he put his head in his hands.

You carefully took his hands away taking in his broken hearted expression ‘I love you too Draco. So much’ you held your hands in his. He gazed at you in shock before tackling to you to the bed and kissing you. ‘So how about we get to know each other a little better?’ you suggested ‘Like a date night?’ he beamed. You laughed ‘Yes but right now I had more of a ‘round two’ situation in mind considering our current state.’ you looked between you two to see that you were still both naked.

He smirked ‘Read my mind Y/l/n.’ You kissed him again ‘I love you.’ ‘I love you more.’ he said

well....thank you anon. I enjoyed writing this far too much 😁

[obeiii-mee]

So, I finally finished part 2 for the original ask. I’ve had a bit of trouble with writing the twins because I think this would affect them particularly bad. I hope you enjoy all this angst, cuz I sure as hell didn’t im fucking sobbing alright?

Pt. 1

Enjoy!

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The Brothers Reacting to MC sacrificing themselves to bring Lilith back, Part 2:

Satan:

-Satan felt like the stupidest demon in DevilDom. He was supposed to be the intellectual, the logical one, the one with more than a few spare brain cells to work with. And yet he never twigged there was anything going on with you. The signs were all there. You had asked him for very specific book recommendations for the past few weeks, about the Celestial Realm and the full power of souls. He even let you borrow some from his own collection without giving it a second thought!

-In hindsight, your goal was very obvious but at the time, he hadn’t even stopped for a second to consider it. It just didn’t seem like something you would be capable of doing. But you did. Of course you did. You were the most driven human he had even met. You managed to live for a full year with seven of the most dangerous demons in hell and make pacts with them no less, so anything is fair game when it comes to you.

-Lucifer and Lilith found him in the library, like usual, reading what seemed to be a very graphic book on different wars that took place in the human realm over the centuries. What can I say, the man wanted to know more human history for your sake. He was one of the few brothers who hadn’t even noticed you were missing and never thought anything was amiss. Sure, he missed your presence but the cynical fourth born isn’t exactly paranoid.

-Now, if it was Lucifer alone that had come to check up on him, Satan would have been very tempted to just ignore him. But obviously he noticed a slightly smaller, less threatening figure next to him and he forced himself to look up from his book. Lowkey hoping it was you because he often complained his brothers got to spend way too much time with you. Satan and Lilith technically never met, face to face. However, I like to think that since Satan was born out of Lucifer’s wrath, he has a small connection with his memories and therefore Lilith. After all, Satan was the only one that never participated in the war or actually fell down as angel.

-He never met her before. Yet he immediately recognised her as she came in. She had every trait you would expect an angel to have. Except she wasn’t an angel anymore of course. She was dead. Or at least supposed to be. Lucifer just stood in the doorway as she approached him. Lilith fidgeted in front of him as she tried to come up with the right words to introduce herself.

-“I’m really happy to actually-“

-She didn’t get to finish because Satan had embraced her almost immediately, almost like he was on auto mode and couldn’t help himself otherwise. She welcome the gesture, glad their first meeting wasn’t as awkward as she had predicted it would be. The eldest brother was watching, slightly in awe because, as far as he knew, the only person he had ever hugged before this was you.

-Of course, the spell had to be broken. Lucifer knew better than to step in and allowed his sister to explain. Satan was going to have a bad reaction nonetheless, but he might become even more aggressive if it was him delivering the news. Lilith never had to deal with this particular brother of hers or any of his fits but somehow, it was like she knew what to do.

- Their sister did her best to explain it to Satan as calmly as possible, as if that would make much of a difference. Satan remained oddly quiet throughout all of it, showing no reaction besides a neutral one. Lucifer found this strange. Yeah, his brother/son was usually the silent type, the sort of demon to think, not speak. But he expected some sort of emotion in there. Anything, really. Anger definitely. Maybe sorrow and misery. But not this.

-Lilith noticed the shaking before even Satan did. His body had just started convulsing on its own as he processed the idea of you laying there, unmoving and cold; dead. He involuntarily clenched his fists and he had to sit down before his legs gave over. Lucifer was still outright confused while Lilith struggled to soothe her brother. He hated feeling like this. All vulnerable and weak, like the skies of hell will fall on him and crush him. He was Satan for fuck’s sake. He was probably considered the most fearful creature in all of existence. He shouldn’t be feeling like this.

-But of course he did. You were always able to do that to him, bringing out that soft side of him he never knew he had. Or at least refused to acknowledge he had. The funny thing was, since you were the one being subjected to that side of his, he didn’t mind. Because you are MC, a literal ball of sunshine. Nothing him and his brothers deserved but you were still willing to spend time with them. The least they could have done was to protect you.

-They couldn’t even do that

-He couldn’t even do that

-Satan is even more retreated now than before, more hostile toward his own brothers and basically everyone else. He will snap at anyone for very minor reasons and lock himself up in the library even more than usual. Anything to get his mind off how much he must have disappointed you. It hurts too much to even hear your name being spoken. God forbid they choose another human to come down there as an exchange student because he will unleash all of his wrath on them on your behalf. How dare some lowly human try to replace you? He’s more prone to fits of anger now too. Long gone is his self control and calmness.

-The one person that understood him was dead. The one person he allowed himself to be close to and genuinely kind to was gone forever. Satan will never get over this. Or the fact that you were smiling so brightly before you died.

Asmo:

-He’s just so sick of it. So so so sick of it. So sick of watching everyone he cares about either die or get taken away from him. If he was a mortal he would have probably gone crazy. Maybe he already reached insanity and just didn’t realise it. After all, everyone has a breaking point, even demons. And once you go beyond that point, your whole world will shatter.

-To him, it seems almost impossible that just that morning he had seen you at breakfast, laughing along with his brothers and overall just being the intriguing, silly human you were. You were right there! Right in front of him, talking to him like it was any other day. And now he has to deal with the unbearable fact that he will never hear your voice again.

-Asmo was out, hanging out at the Fall as usual, when he realised he had missed several, frantic calls from Mammon, who at that point wasn’t aware that you were long dead.

-He brushed him off, initially, thinking his brother was just having another one of his melodramatic moments. So the fifth born went around Majolish, basically buying everything he could get his hands on to ignore the uneasiness creeping up on him. He could feel something bad was happening. He just didn’t know what.

-At this point, he was a bit unsettled which is very unlike him. He is pretty optimistic as a whole so seeing him so startled and on alert was a sort of disturbing sight to see. Lucifer called him after lunch and told him to come home. Normally, Asmo wouldn’t have taken his older brother’s words too seriously but hearing his strained voice on the other side of the phone forced him into action.

-He rushed home, faster then he had ever done before., because let’s be honest, he prefers being outside of the house more often than not. He searched for you everywhere, but you were nowhere to be found. However, he bumped into Lucifer and Lilith in the middle of the upstair’s corridor in his frantic search for you.

-Unlike his brothers, Asmo noticed Lilith immediately, way before he even acknowledged his brother. It was such a shock to him that he thought for sure that he was hallucinating, though things like that never happened to him beforehand. Asmo stopped breathing for what felt like centuries because he didn’t want to raise his expectations, he didn’t to be disappointed if Lilith truly wasn’t there and he was just making her up. He didn’t want to deal with the grief once again.

-However, Lilith remained exactly where she was and flashed him one of her brilliant, warm smiles that he had loved so much back in the Celestial Realm. That he, on more than one occasion, tried to copy because he wanted to have as much in common with Lilith as possible. He wasn’t imagining her and the moment he realised this, he threw himself at her, the worry of his hair being ruined long forgotten and now his only concern was that she would dissipate in thin air.

-Lilith did not yield and embraced her brother, she gave enough hugs today to last her a lifetime but she couldn’t be happier to see her beloved brothers again. It took every ounce of strength on Lilith’a part not to burst into tears from both joy and sorrow.

-Lucifer hated this. He hated having to cut in the happy moment and lay down the bad news. But he had do it. Because no one else would. He was the eldest. He was responsible for everyone. A sadist he may very well be, but it absolutely destroys him to see his brothers suffering from such extreme distress. He told Asmo everything as bluntly as he could, thinking that ripping the bandaid straight off would result in a better outcome.

-It did not.

-Mammon’s reaction to your death was expected, but Asmo’s took both Lilith and Lucifer by surprise. They didn’t expect him to be as emotional as he ended up being and both of them handled it awkwardly because the Avatar of Lust was usually such a confident and admirable creature, it felt weird to see him act in such a way. He fell to his knees in a moment of pure despair and cried enough tears to drown himself in them later. He sobbed for a long time and did not stop immediately, instead going through several stages of weeping, from hiccuping to panting and then back to crying. It was an endless cycle of sadness.

-Lilith half carried half dragged him to his bedroom, while her other brother watched, a bit mesmerised. Asmo usually loved having company and now that his sister was back, he 100% needed it but at the same time, he wished to remain alone for a while. It would be painful but he needed to gather his feelings in one place before he could even put together a conclusion on how he was feeling. So they both left and with the door closed, all the air seemed to suffocate him and drag him into endless despair.

-Asmo received a lot of damage from your death, changing his personality very abruptly. Compared to his brothers, his change in attitude is not so subtle and now he basically hates anything that reminds him of you. He no longer enjoys hanging out or clubbing at the Fall or even go shopping anymore unless it’s necessary because those were things he used to do with you! And now, they seemed so pointless he often wondered what was the point of actually doing it. The only sort of satisfaction he gets is being in your room because if he closes his eyes, just for a moment, he can pretend you’re still there with him, whispering words of comfort to him.

-Yes, he still has one night stands and tries to seduce people left and right but it’s a sort of distraction more than anything else. He doesn’t do it out of need anymore, but out of desperation to get you out of his head. He’s also been sneaking to the Human Realm a lot as of late, as if hoping to randomly bump into you up even though it’s not possible and he knows it. He’s just torturing himself further. Hopeless. Just hopeless.

-You made him feel so much more than just Lust. And now that he had you, even if it was for just a short amount of time, Asmo knew he would never feel that way to anyone ever again. He would never fall in love with anyone ever again.

-He knew the risks of getting attached to a human. He knew how much he would suffer in the end. After all, humans are mortals, they are not destined to live for long. And yet he went and did it anyway because you were too amazing to ignore. You gave him something he never realised he yearned for and you left before he could reciprocate.

The Twins:

-Neither Lilith nor Lucifer was surprised to find the two of them together, relaxing in the attic. It’s common knowledge at this point that the twins have a hard time being separated. And especially more so than before after the whole attic incident, which concluded with them refusing to leave each other’s side. Usually, you were with them too, of course, for good measure. Obviously, they weren’t able to find you anywhere like everyone else. Belphie got tired of searching and just suggested that they go upstairs and that eventually you’ll joking them.

-Lucifer was, understandably, extremely worried at how the twins would react to all of this. Just seeing their adored sister in the same room as them would be more than enough to cause them to malfunction. But if he let them know that you died mere hours ago? And for smuggling Lilith’s soul back into existence no less? It would be chaos. At least with his other brothers, their reactions he could more or less predict. But the twins were slightly different. Especially Belphie. You can never really tell what goes on inside his head.

-Beel noticed his sister before Belphie did. He was so taken aback, he tumbled backwards and off the bed, accidentally dragging his twin with him. It was quite a comical fall actually. Lilith would’ve laughed if it wasn’t for the circumstances. She missed them, of course. Truth is, she missed all of her brothers and their memories back in the Celestial Realm. It always hurt so much to think that she could see them but never really interact with any of them. Except through you since you were heir in a way.

-Beel was a mess, first of all. You can easily imagine the distress he was in at the sight of his little sister. His dead little sister. Dead because of him. It might’ve been centuries since Lilith fell from the heavens and got transformed into a human but he continued to carry that burden with him because how could he not? He should’ve been able to save both Lilith and Belphie even though, logistically speaking, it would’ve been impossible. He saw the despair in her eyes right before she disappeared below the clouds. That image had and will haunt him for the rest of his eternal days.

-He was on his knees before her in a split second, grabbing the hems of her sleeves and sobbing into them as if the whole of DevilDom was about to crash down on all of them. Beel was yelling incoherently, switching between begging for forgiveness and stuttering mid sentence, unable to get the rights words out. The whole mansion was filled with his distraught weeping and he just couldn’t stop.

-His sister knelt down and embraced him, almost awkwardly because of the position they were in, as she began crying as well. Out of exhaustion more than anything. She’s dealt with so many breakdowns in one day that she couldn’t handle holding her emotions in anymore. With the death of her descendant and the sorrow of her brothers, she wished from the bottom of her heart she had just stayed dead because everything would have turned out alright that way.

-Belphie was more cautious. He stood at the back of the room, watching as his sister hugged Beel and sort of held him in a way that would quieten him down. Careful. He casted Lucifer a glance, as if to ask “what the hell is going on?” before once again staring at the ridiculous sight before him. Usually, he wasn’t one to look to his eldest brother for help. There was some dangerous hatred he harboured for him deep in his heart after all. But he was so confused and conflicted, he couldn’t fight the urge to seek guidance from him.

-Lucifer didn’t know how long it had been since he last saw his youngest brother be that openly vulnerable. It felt like an eternity now, to be honest. He was like a rock hard, clamped sea shell since their fall as angels. He walked over to him and placed his hand on Belphie’s shoulder. For the first time in millenniums, his brother didn’t try to swat it away.

-“Lilith is back.”

-That was all he needed. Those three words. As soon as Lucifer finished his sentence, he ran straight into his siblings who were still crying on the floor. He almost bulldozed them over if it wasn’t for Beel’s strength. The youngest landed on top of them, almost starting to cry as well. Beel, seemingly tired himself out so much that he went a bit limp in Lilith’s arms, still gripping onto her for dear life as if she were on the verge of disappearing again.

-“MC is dead.”

-It was a horribly timed moment to drop that bomb in, to be fair. Lucifer tried saying it as casually as he could but he could hear his own voice crack and see his own hands tremble. His mind was focused but his body had betrayed him. The twins were so into the moment, so glad to see their sister after all this time, it was almost like they didn’t hear him. So he repeated the statement, this time in a more composed manner. Belphie immediately reacted. He got off his siblings and straightened his back, glaring at Lucifer in shock from the other side of the room. Beel stayed where he was, but craned his neck to gawk at Lucifer, who was standing solemnly, waiting for the predicted chaos. Lilith closed her eyes and winced.

-Beel was in outright denial which was surprising. He wouldn’t, or rather refused, to accept that you could be dead. I mean, the idea itself was propestrous, right? You’ve almost died once and you managed to outdo death. Or more accurately, your future self did. You could do it again, couldn’t you? Just the image of you laying dead somewhere was enough to send him in panic and another, this time almost silent, meltdown. He seized fistfuls of his hair and pulled, as a method of escaping the pain that came with the thoughts of you and death being correlated in any way. If Lilith’s death wasn’t enough to push him over the edge, this sure as hell was. Could demons go insane? Probably. Beel certainly felt like he was. Even with Lilith there comforting him, he had the impression he couldn’t stand or even look up from the floor.

-Belphie didn’t make a move to aid his brother or help his sister. He stood, teeth gritted and jaw clenched, staring at his oldest brother with an odd gleam in his eyes. For a few moments, he was motionless. Then, he turned on his heel and marched out of the attic, slamming the door behind him so hard that the whole room shook. Lucifer didn’t try to stop him. It would be meaningless anyway. He wouldn’t listen to him. And his sister was still occupied with Beel, who kept mumbling with tears trailing down his cheeks about everything being his fault and not being there when he should have.

-The twins did not even go through the same stages of mourning their brothers did. Beel was dealing with the grief of someone incredibly close to him by eating even more than he normally would, causing his siblings quite a bit of concern. But they couldn’t argue much. He was the epitome of gluttony in the end. Belphie didn’t change much in terms of his daily activities. He slept as much as he could during the day. And at night, he stargazed as he always did. But more bitterly than usual, despising the fact that he wasn’t going to enjoy another starry night with you ever again. He didn’t blame you for dying. He was angry you left and to do something so stupid as bringing Lilith back in return for your lost soul. He was angry you couldn’t be selfish for once and let yourself be happy with them.

-He was angry at Mammon too. He learned he was supposed to be with you earlier that day. He wasn’t. And now the two aren’t speaking. For some reason, he is slightly upset with Lucifer too but that is only because he was the one who delivered the sad news. But most of all, he was very furious with himself. Because he promised that he would never let anything happen to you again after the whole choking incident. He swore on his honour as a demon to protect you and he couldn’t.

-Don’t tell him they’re bringing another exchange student in. He will kill them. He 100% will kill them. He doesn’t want to replace you. And neither does Beel. He would probably eat the new student within a few minutes. But it would take a while until all of that is sorted out. After all, even Diavolo himself is bound to be mourning in his own way. Not like you were meant to know, but you were definitely the favourite child exchange student.

-It wasn’t fair you had to leave. It wasn’t fair that you didn’t even get to say goodbye. It wasn’t fair that the three of you couldn’t spend more time together. Beel won’t be able to ever taste your cooking again and Belphie won’t have anyone to cuddle with in the morning and be generally lazy with. And again, they had even more of a reason to curse their father for ruining the one good thing that’s happened to them since their glory days as angels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

-The 7 brothers will continue to grieve your death for the rest of eternity, be assured. Their sister just as much of course. And at some point, the whole of DevilDom had to in a way as the prince himself wasn’t his usual, peppy self. At least Lilith’s presence had a calming effect on them but not one that could compare to the trauma of knowing you were truly gone. They would wait and with time, there will be healing.

-Except time doesn’t heal anyone’s wounds. It just teaches them how to deal with the pain.

——————————————————————-

This took so much longer than planned, Jesus Christ! I guess I was really unhappy with it at some point and gave up, then sort of rewrote it which took a while. And now it’s done! I’m sort of proud on how it turned out. A bit cliche but I feel like it created the right atmosphere. Also, the last quote above is a favourite of mine that I thought would be a good idea to add in.

The twins are joined because I thought it would not only save time but also make more sense since the two are together almost all the time. Hope no one is upset I didn’t do the twins separately, it would’ve taken even longer then!

To add, 1,080 followers???? Wtf, I haven’t even posted anything in a while, thank you so much! You’re all too nice istg.

@doggonudez asked me to tag them in this post, so I hope this actually works lmao.

Al~

[angelicmichael]

living after midnight

Brooke Thompson x Montana Duke

Summary: Brooke and Montana get a bit intoxicated and get a bit carried away while going night swimming. Based off this post I made a week ago hehe

Words: 3.1k+

Warnings: mentions of alcohol and also vague mentions of weed, stripping (no nudity tho LOL), lotssss of sexual tension, lots of fluff, slowburn, friends to lovers, weird yearning angst for like .02 seconds lmao

A/N: Hey guys, sorry if this is random but I got random inspo for brotana so.. here this is lmao. Believe it or not I did try to make this under 1k words but.. I got carried away so I’m sorry that’s it’s long 😭. But the fic happens sometime after Brooke and Montana meet but before any camp redwood fuckery happens lmao. Anyway I hope y’all like this!! This is also probably the fastest I’ve ever written a fic so I hope it’s atleast decent haha. Anyway enjoy <3

A gentle breeze danced against Brookes exposed skin. The midnight air cold on its own regard but it seemed to blend perfectly with the extensive heat that radiated from the bonfire she sat in front of.

The night was entirely pitch black. The moon was vacant from the sky, leaving the only source of light to come from the giant fire that sat at Brookes shoes.

It was admittedly a bit unsettling being in almost the total darkness, especially with how many girls had recently gone missing in L.A as of late but the beer in her system had mostly put those thoughts to rest. Plus, being with three men and Montana was also reassuring. Even if she didn’t exactly know Xavier, Chet or Ray that well but.. she knew Montana.

It was nearly impossible to forget about how they met.. in the girls locker room in the showers and well; it’s not as if things were any less weird now. Showers or not.

It’s not as if Brooke and Montana were best friends or super close, because that definitely wasnt the case; but they weren’t acquaintances either by any means. The weird tension and ‘playfulness’ that lied between them ruled out being friends.. or that’s Brooke liked to think anyway when she had one too many things to drink. Like now.

Her legs twitched a bit restlessly; content at the ambience that surrounded her but not content with her current state of being. Like how she knew she should be enjoying herself, drunk, not caring about particularly anything at all but instead all she could do was fucking care. Her thoughts were purely infiltrated with Montana and it was embarrassing, to say the least but now that she was intoxicated there was really no harm in fighting it. No matter how annoying and taunting those thoughts truly were.

After all, Why should she not think about how nice it would be to feel Montana’s hands (which she knew had to be soft and delicate) on her waist and down her back? Why should she not think about Montana’s soft lips moving against her own, a few strands of her bleached hair (which definitely had lost it softness due to excessive over bleaching) brushing up against her face accidentally?

That was a rhetorical question; because she knew exactly why she avoided those type of thoughts on a normal day to day basis. Not because it would make things awkward between them but because it was beyond fucking painful to imagine scenarios that would never happen.. Never.

The smell of the fire and the sounds of the wood crackling, which was far too dry and poorly stacked (neither Xavier, Chet or Ray could build a proper fire to save their life), helped bring Brooke out of her thoughts and bit more into reality. So did the gentle sway of the tree branches which she could see in her peripheral vision, since they were right on the cusp of a forest that cut off to a beach. Ocean waves which slowly dragged across the sand were also soothing to listen too, albeit distant over the sound of Brookes friends screaming and laughing and being heavily intoxicated over what was more than just alcohol and weed.

Brooke reached down and swiftly grabbed the beer can which was previously lodged upright in the sand. Lifting the can up to her lips and cringing and unconsciously tensing up as she swallowed until the can was nearly weightless - wiping her mouth with the back of her hand just to see-

“Montana?!” Brooke nearly yelled. Both alcohol and temporary shock making her speak way louder than what was realistically needed.

Montana, who was previously standing several feet away with the boys was suddenly seated right next to Brooke on the log with no warning. Probably having moved over while Brooke was poorly chugging the alcohol she hated.. but she couldn’t help but to notice that their thighs (as well as basically their entire sides) were touching as she tried to wipe the alcohol that had embarrassingly dripped down her front in a frenzy.

Chet and Xavier looked back at them from a few feet away as they smoked what Brooke knew had to be a joint. Briefly laughing and giving the pair of women an amused glance before turning around and immersing themselves in whatever conversation they were previously having.

Brooke sheepishly met Montana’s gaze, feeling her cheeks grow nearly unbearably hot at the awareness that she was now being watched.. studied almost.

“Sorry,” Brooke added with a giggle.

Montana responded with a slight upturn of her lips; amused with Brookes actions not because she found it necessarily funny or pitiful, but for the sole reason that.. it was cute and endearing that Brooke couldn’t really hold her alcohol for shit.

It made her unique and different from everyone else Montana acquainted herself with. People that Montana had to basically learn to keep up with.. but Brooke on the other hand was different.. She was a breath of fresh air, and that’s why Montana assumed she was so attracted to her (besides her looks, of course).

Montana tried her best to ignore and not be bothered by the fact that Brooke was wasting perfectly good alcohol by wiping it off herself (alcohol that Montana wouldn’t necessarily mind licking off Brookes lips.. or her neck, or really anywhere else off of her). Instead focusing on how suffocated she felt here.

It wasn’t necessarily anyone’s fault. After all; she loved Chet, Xavier and Ray dearly but.. they were also undoubtedly preventing anything from happening between her and Brooke.. and that needed to change.

Montana huffed. Her deep brown eyes quickly flickering at the flame and then Brooke before speaking.

“Im bored,” she announced. Suddenly standing up and not letting her eyes break the gaze she suddenly held with Brooke.

Brooke responded with a simple hum. Her jaw quickly dropping once she noticed that Montana’s bright red nails quickly darted down under her own shirt. Hooking the material under her fingertips before quickly raising the shirt up and over her head. Throwing it back somewhere behind the log Brooke still sat on.. somewhere where Brooke was almost certain Montana wouldn’t be able to locate later.. which was probably done on purpose.

Brookes jaw still stayed ajar when she saw Montana’s hands automatically fly down to the small jean shorts she was wearing. She could do nothing but watch as she saw the button unhook- wait.. what exactly was happening?

“Montana, what are you doing?” Brooke asked with a laugh.

Brooke tried her best to fight the urge to look at her friend who was now well.. in her bra and underwear, out of what she was trying to convince herself was respect, but it wasn’t working. She knew for a fact her cheeks had to burnt bright fucking red; she tried to laugh off the feeling but Montana still stared.. her smile slowly growing wider until sudden laughter momentarily broke the tension again.

Brooke and Montana both looked behind them just to find the boys laughing and whooping as well at Montana’s sudden lack of clothes.

Brooke smiled back at them but it only lasted a second before she found herself overtaken with a emotion she never really felt around Montana before.. was it jealousy?

Just the sight of them staring at Montana (who obviously didn’t give a fuck, or was thriving off the attention more than anything) was enough to make Brooke stand up.

“Go swimming with me?” Brooke suddenly proposed. More than certain that her sudden impulsivity was coming from the alcohol more than anything.. it had to be, right?

Brooke looked Montana in the eyes again as she watched the other woman’s expression suddenly change at her words; looking utterly shocked and.. maybe a bit thrilled.

“You want to go swimming?” Montana nearly sneered, her tone reeked off utter disbelief, “and what are you gonna wear?”

Brooke laughed at what the other woman was implying. Her dark brown eyes slipped down to admire the rest of Montana’s body that she dared not to look at previously. Only looking for a second at the matching cherry red set that Montana wore. A bra which was most definitely too tight and cut a bit small, along with a thong with sat a bit high on her hips which only accentuated her figure even further.

She didn’t have time to think; her eyes darting back up to meet Montana’s which she knew were watching her.

“I’m not going naked-“

“You don’t have too. It’s not like their gonna see us anyway once we get away from the fire. Here.”

They both spoke in hushed whispers. Weirdly paranoid that maybe the boys would overhear and wanna join which- was something they both clearly didn’t want, although unspoken.

The distance between them was minimal enough due to alcohol (and other substances in Montana’s case) running high in their systems. Making personal space something that was now nonexistent.

Montana extended her hand out to Brooke to take. She quickly grabbed her hand, hoping desperately it wasn’t sweaty from how close they were to the fire and also.. just from the situation she was bound to find herself in. But due to Montana’s reaction (or lack thereof) she knew she had nothing to worry about.. sweaty palms or not, she knew Montana wouldn’t judge her. No matter how insane the circumstance; Brooke always felt safe around Montana. That’s why she supposed she was currently following her into the pitch black - her vision getting more and more sparse as they walked away from the fire and into some nearby trees that framed the beach..

“Are you sure they can’t see me?” Brooke asked, trying her best to look through the trees and see if any of her friends happened to be looking but - she couldn’t really make out anything besides the subtle outline of her surroundings which included Montana.

“They can’t see you. Relax,” Montana said with a giggle. “Now do I need to help you undress? Your taking forever and I’m hot- and it’s not like I haven’t seen you wearing less-“

Brooke tried her best to look offended and shocked by her reference to how they met. She knew that normally with nothing in her system she would’ve easily sidestepped Montana’s ruthless flirting but.. something felt different about tonight. After all; why should she keep trying so hard to resist something they both felt? And it wasn’t like anyone could see them anyway..

Brooke quickly turned her head to where she knew Montana was and stepped closer until they were barely a foot apart. Her feet nearly stumbled on Montana’s from the proximity; biting her lip to prevent herself from stupidly giggling once she felt hot breath on her cheek.

She grabbed Montana’s hands which first held hers back limply but briefly held hers tighter before Brooke directed her hands on her shirt.

“Take it off,” Brooke uttered. Her voice barely audible but not quite loud enough to be discerned as a whisper.

Montana didn’t hesitate as she quickly took Brookes shirt off, barely feeling the soft fabric against her fingertips before she quickly threw it behind them into the forest. Montana didn’t wait for Brooke to say anything before her fingers were quickly undoing the button and the zipper of her jean shorts which were only thrown somewhere in the forest as well (hopefully near her shirt.. Brooke could only hope).

Brooke tried her best to not look bothered by her sudden lack of clothes but she also knew that was purely idiotic since they were in the pitch black.

Nevertheless she looked down at herself, trying to discern whether her figure was actually visible or not but Montana grabbed her hand again. Making her gaze snap upward as she led her out. She knew they were going out to the water now; the sand under her feet and the fire now visible from a distance as they continued to go out. The sand becoming more grainy and nearly painful to step on as they got closer to the water.

Brooke quickly looked over her shoulder before she took the first step in - still holding onto Montana’s hand. She quickly glanced to see if any of the men they had came with were watching but surely enough they were still talking and laughing as if they didn’t even notice they had gone missing.. and they probably hadn’t given how fucked up they were.

Perfect.

She continued to hold onto Montana’s hand as she went further and further into the water; not phased by the sudden coolness she felt as the water wrapped around her legs.. submerging her further and further until they both finally stopped. The water lapping around Brookes waist, and well, nearly Montana’s chest since she was a few inches shorter than Brooke.

The water seemed to be a perfect temperature despite them being at the ocean; and the rocks had since disappeared under their feet and changed back into soft sand which also made the current situation a bit more enjoyable.

Brooke tilted her head back a bit, worried momentarily that her hair might get wet but it was worth it. It was absolutely breathtaking.

The night sky which previously looked completely black and void of any light whatsoever was now painted with what looked to be a million stars.

“Do you see this?” Brooke asked.

“What, the stars?” Montana answered, her voice holding a bit of amusement to it and almost as if she was trying to hold back a laugh.

“Yeah,” Brooke affirmed with a nod. Still keeping her gaze fixated to the night sky.

“What about them?” Montana asked.

The water rippled a bit as Montana started to a take a few steps closer towards Brooke, dissatisfied at the distance between them.

“Nothing. I just- it’s beautiful. I never do things like this,” Brooke responded, tilting her head down to make eye contact with Montana as she finished her sentence.

Montana smirked.

“Never?” She asked with a laugh. “C'mon. I’m not wet enough, let’s go deeper.”

Before Brooke could protest, Montana grabbed both of her hands and pulled her deeper in the water.

“But I didn’t bring a towel!”

“Your not gonna need one. We can warm up by the fire, remember?”

They continued to keep wading until the water almost spilled over Montana’s shoulders. The water barely touching Brookes collarbones but getting some of her hair wet regardless.

She hesitantly let go of the other woman’s hand in the water, intent on using her hand to help her gain balance since a few rocks were still on the ocean ground but - the exact opposite happened.

Brooke didn’t even have time to gasp or scream before her left foot quickly slid on a random rock that just.. of course.. had to fucking be there. Her hands quickly landed on Montana’s shoulders; the rest of her body accidentally falling into the other woman’s but she only felt Montana’s hands suddenly grab gently at her back. Holding her in place against her body.

Brookes eyes instinctively closed shut but when she slowly opened them and reluctantly lifted her head higher up (silently cursing herself for accidentally getting her hair almost entirely wet now) she noticed.. how close they were to each other.

Her nose was only centimeters away from Montana's shoulder.. which meant-

“Are you okay?” Montana asked softly, speaking unintentionally right next to her ear which made a shiver run up Brookes spine.

“Mhm,” Brooke responded.

She rose her head up further - her vision fully black now due to closing her eyes so tightly and being disoriented from slipping, but she knew from hearing Montana’s voice that she had to be close. Very close.

Moving her head a bit to the left.. almost microscopically, not wanting whatever ‘this’ was to necessarily be clumsy but she knew she didn’t necessarily have a choice in the dark.

“What are you doing?” Montana continued to whisper.

Brooke couldn’t help but to smile and let out a giggle that made her sound far more drunk than she actually was. She knew exactly where Montana’s lips were now due to her speaking. Thank god.

“You’ll see.”

Brooke leaned in slowly. Briefly bumping noses before catching Montana’s lips with her own. The feeling so heavenly and overdue - not enough but simultaneously far too much to take in all at once.

The taste of dull, gut wrenching beer started to flood her mouth. It was all that Montana basically tasted like.. that and a bit like smoke but Brooke didn’t mind. If anything it made the feelings of infatuation temporarily stronger. Brookes nails started to pierce the other woman’s back; wanting nothing more than to just have.. more. More of Montana; her taste, her hands, her touch.. the feeling was both pathetic but impossible to fight any longer.

The mere thought that this was something she was previously holding herself back from having was almost laughable but- that would be something to think about for another time.

Montana’s lips softly broke from hers.

“Eager.. aren’t you?” She teased.

Brookes eyes still refused to adjust but she knew Montana had to be grinning.

“Sorry.. I just-“

“Don’t be sorry. You have no idea how long I’ve been wanting to do that,” Montana said lowly.

Montana suddenly leaned in with no warning. Her hands softly grabbed Brookes shoulders; leaning in to pull her bottom lip with her teeth.

After she let go, the feeling to kiss her again was strong but.. she thought of something better. The thrill of the chase was something Brooke always enjoyed, after all.

Brooke took a few steps back suddenly before quickly heading for the shore. Not really going that fast at all due to the resistance of the water pushing up against her legs but she laughed regardless.

She could hear Montana laughing and calling her a jerk in the distance but it was all just noise at this point. Her voice, the water rushing, the fire and their friends (which grew gradually louder as she approached) all started to sound the same.

Maybe the alcohol was finally kicking in.

Even though Brooke definitely felt tipsy, she still felt nervous the closer she got from being fully submerged out of the water. Maybe it was due to the fact she wasn’t certain what was going to happen at the fire, or if their friends had even heard anything but she knew atleast now she would have Montana. Exactly how she had Montana was something to be determined later, but as she finally stepped out and away from the nearly black ocean waves and ran up to the fire to go wait for Montana - she was comforted by the thought that things would now never be the same and forever would be different between the two of them.

Which had to be a good thing; right?

Taglist: @michaellangdonstanaccount @langdonsexual @jimmason @blakescoven @dark-mei-rose @9layerdevilfoodcake @prophecy-is-inevitable @matildaofoz @beautyiswithinchaos @frenchlangdon @king-with-no-crovvn @melodylangdon @littledemondani @celestialrequiem @sojournmichael @ritualmichael @waitinvain @twilightzone24

Let me know if u would like to be added or removed to the taglist hehe

[worminstuff]

The moon is beautiful, isn’t it? pt.2

Dream x oc

dreams got a new infatuation with a new member of L’manburg

no warnings:)yet

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Fin took a deep breath, the smell of baked goods flooding her senses. It was a brisk morning and Nikki had woken finley up to take her to the bakery with her. She wanted company and she really wanted to get to know her new friend.

The night prior, Nikki was excitedly talking to Wilbur about how it was going to be so nice having another girl around, so Wilbur suggested she ask Finley to tag along with her the next morning knowing Fin would be more than happy to do so.

“So you go by Finley only?” Nikki asked the small girl to sit at the table behind her.

“Well I used to. But now Tubbo decided he wanted to call me mags, and I couldn't say no.” Fin traced the lines of the wood table.

“Tubbo is hard to say no to in general. How come you don't like maggie though? I think that's a very cute name.” Nikki turned to face fin.

“Well that's the point. It's too cute, you know? Don't want to seem all soft.” Finley waved her arm as if she was brushing away a fly.

Nikki gave her a sceptical look. Fin was small, wearing black patchwork overalls and green turtleneck shirt with a little duck embroidered under her collar. She wasn't exactly dressed tough.

Before she could reply, “Good morning women!” Tommy strode in, a grin adorning his red cheeks.

“Morning Tommy.” Nikki grumbled back.

“Hello Maggie!” he plopped himself down in a chair across from Finley, she glared. “You know, Maggie is more fitting than Finley I think. It just fits you better. I would still like to know your first name.'' Tommy leaned on the table staring her down.

“I'll be keeping that to myself.” Fin said, earning a snicker from Nikki behind them.

Tommy huffed. “What do you have a tragic backstory with?”

“No, I just don't want you to call me it.” she said frankly.

Tommys brows furrowed. “Then I wont. I just want to know what it is, I'm a curious boy. I'll have you know.”

Finley huffed. “I can't tell you why.” she looked towards her hands on the table. “it’s Magnolia.”

Tommy started a moment, no laugh, no gin, no tease, just staring. Nikki stared at Tommy, a spatula in hand ready to hit him with.

“Thats a beautiful name.”

Both nikki and fins eyes went wide, fins head whipping up to look at him.

“It's very beautiful. Magnolia.” he repeated to himself. “Shame you're not a fan of it, i love it.” there was no trace of a lie in his features, he was being honest.

Tommy turned around momentarily to look at Nikki, “A word of this to the others and i'll burn your house or something.” he turned back to Fin. “I want you to know that I may be rude sometimes, and i'm aware of it, but you're one of us. You're family, and I'm by your side. Im glad you trust me enough to tell me your name, I really do like it by the way. Beautiful flowers magnolias are.” Tommy stood, holding a hand out for her. She stood wearily.

“C'mere flower.” he joked, gesturing her closer. He pulled her into a brotherly hug. A quick one. He let go, waving to both girls as he left the bakery.

Both girls stood shell shocked for a moment.

Fin looked at Nikki, “Does he-”

“No. I’ve never.. Ever seen.. Tommy be that kind.” nikkis eyes were still wide.

“Well.. I think i'm gonna go walk around some. Explore a bit.”

“Of course! It was wonderful hanging out with you, I'd love if you hung out here more. If you'd like of course.” Nikki said, a comforting smile on her face.

Finley nodded, matching her grin,”I will! it’s very nice here. i like it a lot.” then made her way out.

She followed the wooden path down to the docks she went to days prior, listening to the faint swishing of the calm water below the wood her feet walked across.

Once she made it to the end of the longest dock, she pulled a pen and paper from the front pocket of her overalls, sitting on the dock. She placed the paper on her leg, starting a response to the anonymous letter she received last night.

I don't particularly know why I'm doing this, because I'm almost sure Mr. Soot would advise against it, but it's quite exciting i think.

Hello mr letter writer! I'm Fin! You already know what i look like apparently, since you're a stalker and a burglar, so I won't describe myself that way. I don't really know what to tell you.

My favorite color is green, and I really like knives. Not in a crazy serial killer way, I just think they're cool. I like that you told me to look at the moon, cause I really like the moon. And the ocean.

My favorite place so far is the docks.

So far I've met most of the people of L’manburg. Tubbo and nikki are my first friends. Today I met tommy for the second time, and he seems actually very nice. I told him my full name, which only tubbo knew before. Wilbur as well, but I didn't tell Wilbur.

I asked Tubbo who on the smp he was afraid of, and he mentioned this guy's dream. I haven't heard anyone else mention him though, so I wonder how scary he really is. Have you met him? You seem creepy so maybe you hangout with the scary people.

I saw two guys on the way out this morning, one was wearing sunglasses at dusk, which was strange. The other had a cool headband on. I wanted to say hello because they seem cool but Wilbur didn't introduce me to them so i don't want to talk to anyone he'd be angry at me for talking to. I don't feel like rebelling too much just yet, you know?

I hope you have a nice day mr. burglar.

Fin folded the paper in three, and stood to place it in the box at the end of the dock. She wondered how long it would take to see a response. She knew she was going to check the next morning.

This person seemed..strange. Yet she was very intrigued. She just won't be mentioning this to Wilbur any time soon.

~

“It's not an obsession.” Dream huffed to his fiery friend.

“It seems like it. She's all you've been thinking about since you saw her, and you don't even know her name!” Sapnap’s arms flailed above his head.

George snickered behind them. George was sitting on a couch in the room across from them as they argued while sitting at the dining table.

“Dream you are being a bit..strange about her. I mean, what's the deal? She doesn't exactly seem..extraordinary.” he shrugged.

Dream shot him a deathly glare to which George flinched. Yeesh.

“Okay okay i'll take it back” he held his hands up in surrender.

All three of them paused for a moment, and the dream took a deep breath.

“Maybe.. I should ask Wilbur about her.” a devilish grin spread across his face.

Sapnap and George groaned loudly.

“Why the hell would that be a good idea, Dream?” George said.

“Think about it, he thinks he's got a new fighter of some sort. Another soldier. But he also seems like he has some sort of connection with her, he cares. So if he knows i've got an eye out for her, there's no way he'd put her in battle. Who knows what she's capable of so that only benefits us!” Dream stared at Sapnap excitedly.

“You're insane. Absolutely bonkers.” he shook his head standing up abruptly to make his way to his room.

Dreams' shoulders sank. It was sort of a poor excuse, but his mind was set.

“Where are you going?” George asked dream just before he was about to pass through the front door.

“I think you know.”

He at least needed to know her name. At least.

Dream didn't often is it l’manburg when there wasn't some type of damage about to be done, which is why he understood the wide eyes and stiff stance of wilbur as he stepped into what wilbur referred to as his “office” just inside the walls of L’manburg.

“Relax, i'm here to ask some questions. That's all.'' Dream tried to show him he came in peace by attempting to seem as relaxed as possible. Limp shoulders, loose hands.

He reached behind his head, unclipping the clasp holding his mask on. He held it in front of hi a tad, “See, I’ll even take this off Mr. President.”

Wilbur stood only staring. What the hell? He's barely spoken to in dreams, especially like this.

He hummed, “Alright.. What questions do you have for me then?” he hesitantly clasped his hands together in front of himself.

“About the new girl.” Dream tried to hide a grin.

Wilburs eyes narrowed and his shoulders squared. Dream had already hit a nerve.

“Ronny?..” he mumbled. What could Dream want with her? “Not quite sure what you're on about.” he tried to shake it off. Dream wasn't buying it.

“Oh come on. short, “ dream held his hand up around his middle, “freckles, had overalls on. Who is she?” his question sounded more like a statement in a way.

Wilbur sighed, “That would be FInley. She's the sister of an old friend of mine.”

Dream let it simmer for a moment. Finley. That's adorable. Not the first name he said, though.

“If her name is Finley, why'd you say Ronny?” Dream asked, a tilt to his head.

“That's what I call her. She goes by Finley. I call her what her brother always called her. I don't quite see how any of this is your business?” wilbur was starting to get annoyed. What could he want with Fin? Nothing good he was sure.

“I was just curious that's all.” he pulled his mask to his face, clipping the clasp behind his head. A brother. Wilbur knew her brother, why would he be here though?

“She is technically under the jurisdiction of the smp. As “L’manburg” “ he held up his hands in air quotes, “isn't independent quite yet, Mr. Soot.”

Wilbur stayed silent. He figured this was a time that he should stay silent rather than speak his mind.

Dream saluted him with a slight bow of his head as he ducked out of the doorway, leaving without a farewell.

As Dream left L’manburg his head was swimming with thoughts of the small girl. Finley. He wondered if she liked his letter, if she would write back. He didn't know what he'd do if she didn't. Maybe another trip to L’manburg would be made, he thought.

[rouiyan]

𝘖𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘊𝘈𝘚𝘛 𝘚𝘒𝘐𝘌𝘚 𝘈𝘕𝘋 𝘛𝘏𝘖𝘚𝘌 𝘞𝘏𝘖 𝘋𝘐𝘌 [ 𝘭.𝘫𝘯 ]

⧏ the second volume of rouiyan’s debut series, till death do us part ⧐

synopsis: “i will keep you,” he says softly, as sweet as black tea, “and i will keep you warm.” (Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless)

✧ prince!lee jeno x crown princess!reader ✧ royalty au

✧ genres : fluff, angst ✧ word count : 5.0k ✧ disclaimers : brief descriptions of nudity (nothing sexual), allusions to sex (nothing explicit), malintent

read volume one here: of the heart.

when the moon, in all her glory, begins to set, Mother Nature begins each new day by inhaling the misfortunes of the day before and blowing out frigid breaths in their stead. this morning is no exception for nothing is so clear as the wisps of fog that lie just beyond the horizon, a velarium of sorts, over the forest canopy. the sun is a little early today, but it is for naught, since its rays are caught between the tendrils of fog right as they begin to show. perhaps Mother Nature woke up in a bit of a fit today, seeing as the skies are already oozing the grays before the blues have yet to surface. Her fingers gently stir the clouds to ensure that they collide right where the earth most needs it and She's joyful in the sense that Her work can be admired from far down below. after all, the paintings She conjures in the skies are nothing short of masterpieces.

like a ceiling folding in with the pressure of water leakage, the clouds from down below give off an air of distress. the air itself is heavily encumbered with a clarity found only after the rainiest of days. and if not for the sake of the story, the author could spend hours droning on about Mother Nature's tour de force, she really would, but instead she will insert a few lines from a symphony: 

The autumn mist drifts blue over the lake,

The blades of grass stand covered with frost,

The flowers' sweet scent is gone,

An icy wind bends down their stems,

My heart is weary.

Der Einsame im Herbst (The lonely one in autumn), from Mahler’s Das Lied von der Erde

in the exact opposite sense that Mother Nature loves her leaves, with tender fondness and a forgiving hand, prince jeno's father has never loved his second son more, with an impassioned sneer and a bagful of riches in mind. at least, that is exactly what prince jeno himself thinks as he skims through yet another letter, this time from his father. 

son,

never did i think i would enjoy the prospect of a winter ceremony as much as i would this, perhaps you would also like to see an early coronation. i've made the necessary arrangements, i assure that you will not be suspected in the least but keep caution and wariness by your side, our family name is already a great deal tainted. thought not for long, i'll be sending a carriage to retrieve you for your rounds back home, we've ought to get going on them. the damsel is a sight for sore eyes, i presume, i'd hate for her to foil our ambitions; she is much in your hands to attend to now. i'll see you by the throne soon, my lad. 

king of the southern mines, your father.

the prince's vision narrows upon the words 'coronation, arrangements, suspected, foil, throne,' and he is already a sight of frustration, fingers gripping the paper with such force that his short nails are digging into his palms through it. seething, he tears his eyes from the script before him but instead, they land on the previous letter sat atop the open escritoire. the one from his mother. the stamped edge of the paper lifts with the wind that filters through the window just above it and he has the sudden urge to let it be carried away wholly. jeno crosses the room in four steps. 

with both the pages collected in his hands, jeno crouches by the mantle, the roar of a fire licking up before him. his face is drawn in concentration, jaw stiff and clenched. the lines of his brows are met with a furrow in between, set above the meek lines of his eyelids. his pupils dilate, albeit out of habitual need, in the reflection of the inferno before him. he's ever-so-aware of the distinct scent of burning coals that siphon and sharpen his reminiscence of home. it's sentient, the feelings of familiarity that overcome his senses, halting his movements, his fingers clutching the papers in a way that almost tells of longing. longing of a seemingly different world entirely, one that he has only ever known until a few weeks prior. being washed anew in distant lands and over the course of a single lunation, jeno finds that he's never felt more mismatched from himself, disconnected from the people who raised him in contrast to the people who have brought out the better in him. but the embers are not the only thing he smells, not the only he sees, or heeds to.

the pearly carrara marble of the mantle tells stories in the grayed lines that trail across its posh surface. his eyes rove over the white, the faith and purity of your heraldry binded with the emblem of your family. the white of angels, of untainted relations, sterility in empowerment, the inviolable you. the white tells stories that the black never could.

so jeno finds a warm pleasure in the way the flames overwhelm the papers with eager enthusiasm, the damned words of his parents receding into mere ash. prince jeno thinks he could forever part with the world if it asked him to feast his eyes on this very sight until the end of time. 

despite arousing before the sun, you are disappointed when it starts to chase your wakefulness. there is something edging the growing unease in your mind, as if time is trickling down the drain of the past, too fast and too unforgiving. as if time is berating at your senses, telling you there is much more than what meets the eye but for the life of you, you cannot pinpoint what. for now though, you tend to the pressing matters at hand, jeno has been called home for his rounds, rather abruptly.

"perhaps i should go with you, rounds don't always have to be made by one per-”

jeno cuts you off effectively, "they are very much a one person duty," he assures pointedly. your nose scrunches, the light inconveniences starting to rub off on your exasperation. in a tired voice you mumble, "we could always change it up a bit, i'm sure." jeno chuckles heartily at that, his hand coming up from his side to rub out the lines of stress in your forehead.

"little miss princess, you're saying that as if you do not have rounds to complete of your own. i'm almost certain you host are a far greater amount of people that wish to be invited to the ceremony than i have-"

it's your turn to cut him off now, "why don't you stay with me then?" in attempts to enhance the force of your resolve, you uncover a hand of your own from under the sheets to comb through his locks. the way his eyes instantly close to relish in your touch paired with the little purr he gives is almost telltale of your victory. almost.

jeno pauses, his eyes flicker back open, and a soft knowing smile runs along the features of his face as he shakes his head, in knowledge of your artful tactics to wear him down. "and neglect my kingdom and their desires?"

you've left the feelings of frustration behind, instead deciding to fool around with the boy, to see what you can get out of him for good fun, "but we've yet to decide what flowers to use as centerpieces. and whether we're throwing a private or public ball. wedding preparations are surely more important than handing out personal invites…we can cut corners one some niceties." jeno knows better than to let his guard down. the jeno around y/n isn't to be trusted as easily. he settles for words of comfort instead, "i'll write."

"well, that's of course. silly of you to voice something as unequivocal as that."

a pause and his resolve is slipping, "maybe a few short visits back wouldn't hurt." you lick your lips in good-natured fun, another pause, "i'm sure my father wouldn't half mind if we cut it a week short." your eyes look hazy to him, though in reality they are simply amused, and drawing words from him he isn't even sure he's saying. "or- or maybe i could convince him, or try to at least…," he trails on and on.

your satisfied a certain amount and, suppressing a smile from giving away your plotted schemes, you mutter quietly, mostly for your own pondering, "i'm thinking alliums would make a statement, blue alliums." jeno gives a noise of confusion, unsure of how you've suddenly come to talk of flowers. "the centerpieces, i mean." jeno's silence only urges you on, "alliums, or blue alliums at that, are symbols of unity and good fortune. i think that'd make a nice combination with a base of milkweed, dignity and freedom, if my memory serves me right."

the prince has found his voice, "what of the rounds?" but he's met with a small chortle, "nothing, a month is a month, i'm sure we'll work around it."

"but, i- i'm not sure i understand. you were adamant enough a millisecond ago, and now-"

"and now i'm telling you i was toying with you, dear sir. such fun it is when you let on more than you'd like."

jeno's cheeks flush, the warm color dusting the bridge of his nose, apples of his cheeks, tips of his ears. your warm smile and benign banter bring him the simplest of joys. he's not sure he's ever felt this way before. familiarity. and, not the familiarity that comes from his assigned butler since birth, or the old lady at the apothecary he's been to all his life that's paid to tend to his wounds. not the familiarity that comes with blood and playing house, the type of sickened familiarity he feels with his brother, doyoung, that every second spent with him is forced. the familiarity he feels with you is by choice, by genuine and sincere desire. you want to wake up in the mornings with him by your side. you want to spend breakfast pushing each other's toes away underneath the table. you want to hold his hand when he walks you to your carriage. you want to make love with him in the most ungodly hours of the day. which is exactly what happens that morning.

a day is barely enough to do all the things you've penned in your journal. things to be done before you were to be married, with the one you were to be married to. the list had been written, curated, and refined by nine-year-old you, who you must say, had some very good ideas, though verily a romanticist. 

jeno is departing tomorrow morning, as early as the sun will permit, and suddenly you wish that it would never rise again. whatever the case, you set out first thing this morning, hand tugging along a very tired prince, for the bathing pool. nine-year-old you must have misinterpreted the meaning of 'skinny dipping' for swimming but you thank nine-year-old you because things seem to have worked out in your favor either way. jeno is jolted awake by the gelid water, the seasons now mark three-quarters into fall. 

"go in first," you state simply, hands on your hips and eyes drawn down into the water. the single toe you had dipped in to test the waters is frigid and frozen. jeno, who has yet to finish undressing himself, nodded at your words. if he were looking in your direction he would've noticed the smirk on your face. he stands straight, boxers on the ground behind him as he takes place by your side, "cold?"

"not at all, surprisingly," he's looking at you now and your countenance can't help but decompose in front of him, a small, unsuspecting smile adorning your lips. "oh really, can you attest for that?"

the smile is now blossoming unto your cheeks, "are you telling me to go in first?" the prince nods at that, fully aware of your schematics, "yes, i would like to see you enter the warm water."

"you agreed to go in first just a few seconds ago, don't tell me you've backed out on your word," a feeble matter against the boy but he defends himself by saying, "devious little princess, as if this wasn't your idea."

you're equally defensive when you point out, "not me, directly, but rather me as a child-" he pushes you in. lee jeno, second prince of the esteemed southern kingdom pushes you into the subzero degree bathing pool.

assuredly though, he dives in a few seconds after he's had time to relish in your shocked expression and piercing screams. he's coming up for air, his hands have found your bare hips to make sure that you resurface together. or drown together, you think, because it seems his foot is caught in the crevices between two rocks and since he's writhing like a madman, you're writhing with him too. it's a strange sight, two very beautiful individuals, absolutely in love but absolutely inane, for if jeno had thought to let go of his grip on you, you might've been able to unlodge his foot altogether if he had not been set on wrangling both your bodies about.

it's four minutes later that the two of you are on the leveled bronze rock, now, absolutely loosing it over jeno's lack of common sense. both of you are having trouble breathing, spurts of water still occasionally gushing past his lips. he thinks you're most beautiful in your bare skin, with nothing to define you but yourself. he's running his fingers up and down your torso, lips connecting with the surface of your neck. he appreciates that you kiss him with such avidity, you always do. jeno loves that you make it known to him, that what you say, you mean. and that even if you were never to utter a word again, he would still understand the sheer vehemence with which you love him.

you cross off paragliding, building a snowman, and studying together for a test. not because they've been completed but because there simply is no plausible way to get them done with the deadline closing in fast. the next activity you present to jeno has his eyebrows raised in intrigue. he's quick to reply when you ask him. 

"a moon, a quartered moon." the knowing smile that grows on your face tells him he's chosen correctly.

jeno gives a squeeze to your hand as the needle comes in contact with your clean skin. the first few minutes are highlighted by the sensation of a million bee stings, racking through your brain, but the rest is relatively smooth sailing. yours comes out just as good as jeno's, a small moon, a quartered moon, tattooed into the skin just behind the left ear. there specifically, so that it's known by each other and each other only. 

there will be months passed before the moon becomes a sort of unspoken but affirmative communication instrument. when jeno loves you a little too much, he rubs the inked skin softly. his sleepless nights are cured with the pad of your finger upon the spot. between the many general meetings you're required to oversee in a day, jeno waits outside the conference room for you to exit, his fingers stroking the moon for the duration of the few seconds allotted to him before you're whisked away again. the symbol of night is translated into accounts of bonding, the smallest of things giving way to happiness. 

you would say the uses of the 'lovemark' are amplified as the sun retreats and the mascot of your relationship shines brighter than ever. it's evident in the look on jeno's face, especially, a few feet below you, peering up your skirt with a dumbstruck look on his face. 

"jeno, dear, now is really not the time." the boy clears his throat and looks away, baffled at how you'd caught him anyways. your position is so frightfully awkward, one foot on the top end of your chamber's windowsill, another bent and hoisted onto the flat ledge of your roof. "come on up now, and get those dirty thoughts out of your mind. for heaven's sake, we're here to watch the sunset and stargaze, not to pound into each other."

the prince laughs at your offhanded remarks, arriving himself on the platform. the view is expansive in the way that you can see the forest from here, the ocean if you squint, the hills set in the far distance, and the sky has never felt closer to the earth while the things you've always known to be near appear smaller and more distant than ever. even the gregarious tree stalks of the forest rise to what could be measured as an only inch from this outlook. 

"nine-year-old y/n seems to have known nothing but fun days." jeno muses, leaning his weight back upon his hands. your eyes are glazed in an omniscient mist, "i'd expect so, she was born and raised with everything." the prince picks up on the tone of distaste with which you'd spoken your words. he turns to you and studies the hairs that fall in your eyes, "hardly fair."

you reply not a beat after, "not at all fair. if i were to accomplish one thing during my run as queen, i'd give the children opportunities of a lifetime." the thoughts tumble out of your mind, as if you'd known of this conviction of yours since you were but a child. your drive as a ruler, firm and headstrong to implement your values and beliefs on your subjects has been the sole idea that's grounded you in the castle for your entire time being.

"and what if you cannot?"

your first reply is dealt with in humble humor, "at the very least, i'd like it to be engraved on my tombstone that i tried." the second, is laden with a sorrowful undertone, "housing, schooling, meals and warmth in the winter. we have it the worst here up north. if they are without school, they are left with nothing." jeno's head turns to yours, he sees the slip of a tear and he wipes it away, only to be met with another. your voice cracks in despair, "there are no mining jobs to take up, no farms to harvest, aqueducts to run. i dread that one day i must rule a kingdom of arts."

jeno tries, he really does, to gather you in his arms but your sobs rack your body with such force that he is left to comfort your desolations with words and a hand on your back, "what is there to dread? are the arts so difficult to maintain?"

bitterness forms at the tip of your tongue, "no, jeno. i regress in the face that art is invaluable. but the world seeks to attach a price to every viable thing, to label the passion of others. and now, now the arts are for the rich, only for the rich. have you ever heard of a hungry man paint instead of seeking shelter from the rain? a woman who writes prose instead of feeding her dying children? there is no one who can live solely on art but the heavens have sent me to rule a horde of those very people."

the prince knows you need to voice the thoughts weighing down your mind, so he gives them a platform, a nudge, "a kingdom of arts would be blessed to house a queen with intentions such as yourself, surely there are others who hold the same principles as you." 

"no doubt," your eyes cast on the forming stars, "but as much as i would love to trail a path of meliorism and say that with a tide of willingness, there will be change, i must not forget the real nature of the world we live in."

"and what is this nature that you speak of?"

"the drive of greed and sadism, in exchange for the feeblest of pleasures."

the world comes to a still in this very moment. the moon begins her ascent. the stars unsheath their full luminance. the whites of their gleam reflecting on the rooftop on which the two of you are sat. time and space shrivel in the potency of untainted humanity.

"we will bring change, you and i."

you feel your heart calm as your rambling ceases. jeno looks over at you and smiles.

prince jeno is scheduled to return in twenty seven days time. there is something that feels wrong about him leaving. a feeling that if he leaves, all hell with turn loose and you will be unleashed unto the dogs for ravaging. there is a coated and unspoken thought that splutters in your mind whenever you even dare so much as to begin to think of it. the possibility that with jeno's leave, you'll be left with the realization that it was all a phase of infatuation. that when you see him again, all the feelings that you'd built up over the course of a month and a few days was just a glamourized dream. that he was never real; the real that you needed.

"i'll be forever thinking of those lips on mine, maybe even missing them," you let, comically. jeno eyes you conspicuously, "and i'll be forever thinking of you, as a whole, not just the lips unlike you. a little fixated you sounded there, mind you." his little sniggers are given in response to your hands pushing his chest in frisky response. the prince pulls you closer into a final embrace, the coachman of his black carriage is awaiting his departure. 

he parts from you and you can't help but trail behind him down the paved path. he's over his shoulder now as you let loose a sliver of your deepest worries, meekly, "i hope we never change, jeno."

the prince halts at the bottom steps that curl into the palace. he sees you, feels you, knows you, for he quotes, “i will keep you,” he says softly, as sweet as black tea, “and i will keep you warm.” (Catherynne M. Valente, Deathless)

jeno can hear the light pellets of raindrops hit the roof of his carriage. the gray skies are darkening by the second, it's telling him something that he's sure he doesn't want to hear. his fingers fiddle with the cuffs of his tailored suit jacket, something you'd requested be made for him when his stay was first prolonged. the prince is entirely clad in white and he knows enough to imagine the face his mother will make when she first sees him home. lee jeno doesn't remember a time when he's donned a color other than black, but somehow, the white doesn't feel too far from home. 

with the white, his mind flashes with the events of the past month or so spent in your noble abode. you, on the other hand, rarely ever wore a color other than white, the most differing shade being a cream or beige. but even with all the lights, you never seemed to mind when they were dirtied. almost always, a day in the fields or by the bathing pool would drench a good six inches of your skirts in mud and the unfurled hems of your frocks or crinkled fronts of those sweaters you so often adorned were always beyond your notice. you were free in that way, never stopping to fuss over the little things you deemed unimportant. jeno thinks if he could live that way too and though he isn't sure if he can, he knows he wants to.

jeno can hear the spindles of the carriage gyrating with added resistance against the now watered-down mud of the trodden roads. his eyes are caught in the sky that looks as if it's to detonate at any given second. he predicts the thunder before it rings loud in his ears and he hears the coachman slash a whip to a trepid horse, an echo of the natural phenomenon. he wonders what it would feel like to be the coachman, out in the clamorring downpour, or perhaps the horse, blindlessly running to the crack of a whip, or the trees even, awoken by the threat of a fire. he wonders if he has any desire to be the lightning itself, to jab at the delicate foliage as he'd like, to set fire to that of which he doesn't like, to wield destructive power. he wonders, but he knows he doesn't want to.

lee jeno is in his carriage when he realizes what it means to be free, but not in the hindrance of others. he realizes what it means, not to rule but rather to guide without the oppression of others. lee jeno is also in his carriage when the skies turn black and a deluge of rain is unleashed upon the castle of white. 

a man a few inches brief to the prince, but of higher rank in swordsmanship, is propped on the limestone trellis that holds the awning in place, his two feet hooked between the vertical balusters of stone and fingers clung onto the ridge of the balustrade. he finds it ludicrous that every individual of importance he has ever met, is so caught up in their own belief that they are untouchable, where in reality they are the most vulnerable of all. he thinks this, specifically, as he upturns himself over the railing and onto the landing, only to see that the king's door are left wide open, the only shield of protection being the pristine white curtains glinting a sheen of blue in the moonlight. 

renjun is humored when, upon drawing the curtains back, the king himself is simply laying there on the ground, unconscious as he was informed he'd be. the knight presses two fingers to the inner wrist of the withered man and finds that he still has a job to finish. brandishing a blade from the underside of his calf, he deems the inscription on the handle fit for the deed. he drives it into the gut but makes quick work of it, the sputters of blood that erupt from the now-awakened royal something he wishes the guards just outside not to hear. renjun makes further assurance that the blade is firmly put in place, the stout palladium shaft protruding from the king's abdomen like the ring of a windup toy. 

a black body bag is used to sheath the quickly-paling bag of bones. it is left under the light of the moon, through a skylight rounded in the dead center of the palace. around the malefaction, stairs wind in all directions from the ground up and if there were even one maid to have crossed the landing once in the night, she would have been met with what looked to be an unassuming trash bag. but fate had it so the sun would rise before your dead father was stumbled upon, an inscribed shank planted between his internal organs reading, this star-like solitude (Giuseppe Ungaretti, from Last Choruses for the Promised Land: XVI (tr. by Patrick Creagh)).

the blood that seeps from the measly opening in the bag is not silver, nor is it gold. it is blood red. the red of a brazen senex that perhaps preceded and proceeded his times, entangled in the intricacies of the new age, the new game of politics he simply had no means to play at. akin to the webs of an arachnid, the string of fate hung around his neck, thin and unnoticeable, cinching with each passing second until Mother Nature deemed his time up. the blood that seeps writhes in the rays of the sun, twines like the veins in the marble beneath it. it seeps until the figure in the sack is drained and the clumping skin of human remains is the same shade as the white tiling. red against white, white against black, the black of a crying sky.

read volume three: dearly departed.

copyright © 2020 rouiyan all rights reserved.

✧ end note — i had such a hard time trying to pull this outta my ass in a way that captures everything i wanted to say. so thank you for reading this piece. it’s one of my most favorite things i have ever written, undoubtedly.

[thedancefloorsilly]

Ngl seeing your 300 followers event intrigued me (loved the spin on what’s usually just a describe yourself and I’ll give you a matchup thing) enough so that I’ve binged through most of what you’ve written on here!! It’s actually been awhile since I sent in a request for one of these 😬

So!! I’m female, going by she/they and bi (male leaning). My romantic f/o are illumi + hisoka. Illumi - unexpectedly usually out of my type, but he buried himself in the ground in the first scene we saw him in and I was gone. Since then I’ve had people point out that he looks like a frog and that its a very major subconscious reason I love him so much. Hisoka, I very much resisted liking at first because hes,,,, hisoka, but this bastard made a place in my heart the more his main character syndrome made him helpful and not a total villain. I had no choice but to begrudgingly love him, and he makes me laugh as often as he makes me turn to look to the figurative camera.

When it comes to me, I’m 5’2, black hair + eyes, Asian, and must admit I do have a bit of a god complex as a Pisces (which my own need to compete w others then compromises). I definitely consider myself fashion forward (but favors black a lot) and I love to find shoes to give me some more height. I have a taekwondo black belt and do MMA, and I love to crochet even though I tend to rage at my yarn when new patterns for clothes make me repeat rows over and over again. I’m the only one in my friend group that knows how to do taxes, but STILL did not understand knuckle’s loan and interest nen AT ALL. I adore collecting marvel and dc comics, as well as manga, and my guilty pleasure is the pink drink from Starbucks (guilty because Istg im not a 13 year old, I just need to stop consuming caffeine and the vanilla sweet cold foam with it is addicting). Someday I dream to have three cats, and I have a drivers license even though I legitimately have never driven or taken any drivers Ed classes in my life. Ever. I have no idea how to drive. My procurement of a drivers license regardless may or may not have been through legal means.

Ooh well that’s nice to hear glad u liked this idea!! I hope I liked my writing😳😳 I don’t write for Hisoka but for this event I will :P I also did these as separate. enjoy anon!!

Hisoka

- The fact that you know how to fight, being that you do MMA, DEFINITELY intrigued Hisoka when he first met you. He did his whole evaluation thing in his mind about how well your powers fair, and honestly this was probably what prompted Hisoka to learn more about you. Once getting to know you more, there was something different he would feel rather than the usual “excitement” when around a strong fighter. It was a certain feeling in his stomach he would get that would linger on.

- Even though Hisoka might have been a little confused at first, he was curious to try and explore these unknown feelings more, thus leading him to spend more time and to try and observe your personality. The more and more he spent time with you, the more his interest in how you fought began to slip away from his mind. Not only that, but Hisoka also always felt his heart racing when he was around you. Was this eccentric clown magician man developing a crush? Oh, absolutely he was.

- Well, as the time came where he would smoothly confess his feelings, Hisoka really did try to make everything special. Hisoka actually bought red roses for you, dressed VERY nice, brought you to somewhere calm and romantic, and used his charm to try and win you over. Well, at the end of the night, you guys both learned that you and him had mutual feelings for one another, and it was pretty clear that a second date was to be expected.

-  Sometimes you can’t help but to laugh at Hisoka’s outlandish behavior. Of course, he takes notice of this, and with that, Hisoka tries his best to always put on a show when you’re around!! He always does things to try and hear that laugh of your’s that he loves so much. Not only that, but Hisoka also does things to rather amuse you. Hisoka will sometimes do random tricks with his nen to try and put up his “magician” act, just to see that entertained look on your face.

- Whenever he’s fighting at Heaven’s Arena, he always tries to impress you, too!! Once facing an opponent, Hisoka will try out these new moves or special techniques that will surely put a ‘wow’ on your face. Yes, his tricks might be a little stupid or dangerous, but that’s all part of the fun isn’t it? Not only that, but when he’s mid-fight, Hisoka will also try and do stupid things like wink or smirk at you justtt to see you blush and roll your eyes playfully.

Illumi

- Mentioning that you have no experiencing with driving to Illumi, he insists that he could just drive you to some places himself. You calmly agree to this at first, but since you weren’t aware of the fact that your boyfriend also has very little driving experience, you have NO idea what you’re about to get into. His driving is a little... reckless to say the least. You really thought you were getting a calm drive to Starbucks?? Well, expect your incautious, daredevil of a boyfriend to be passing every red light, almost hitting pedestrians, and speeding exceedingly just to get to your destination. You guys are just better off with Illumi’s butlers driving you guys...

- Sometimes you like to crochet random things for Illumi (It could be something like a hat or some gloves). Whenever you’re making them, Illumi often hears the little complaints you make from frustration from your room, so he goes to check on you and to see what’s wrong. Immediately though, you tell Illumi to not come in your room because you’re making something to surprise him. Even though he’s wondering what you might be doing, Illumi just goes on and doesn't question you further.

- One day, as you finally finish your creation, you announce to Illumi that you’ve made something for him. As Illumi tilts his head in confusion, you then proudly reveal a crotched frog hat from behind your back, all for him!! At first he wonders what prompted you to make something so specific for him, and all you say to Illumi was that he reminded you of a frog!! You might not know what he truly feels from his blank reaction, but deep down, Illumi really appreciates the gift!!

- Now, Illumi definitely doesn’t see himself having not one.. but three cat’s in his future (since you’ve told him all about your dream). It’s not that Illumi opposes of the idea of them, or thinks that they’re a lot of work (especially since you’ve seen his GIANT pets..), it’s just that he’s just never really thought about it before. There are days when Illumi does consider owning them, or how it would be like to own them, but then again, Illumi never acts on getting the cat’s. 

- That wasn’t until one day though. It was a rainy afternoon, and Illumi was walking through the town, ready to come home from one of his assassin missions. As he was strolling down the empty streets, he heard a faint sound of an animal come from the left of him. Illumi turned to his left, but looked down to see that the noise came from a beaten up box in an alleyway. He walked toward this box, noticing that the animal sounds were actually the small ‘mews’ of a cat. As Illumi squatted down to see observe this box, he then saw the sight of MULTIPLE small kittens!!

- While you’re waiting for Illumi to come home, you hear the knocking of someone on the door, and you immediate assume that it’s from your boyfriend!! As you happily rush to unlock the door, you then see a drenched Illumi, holding a box of kittens as they’re meowing non-stop. Though, you might be confused, Illumi blankly says, “Look. I brought you something.” From the nonstop meowing, you question to how many cats are there... Even though you dreamed about having three, well.. can you handle about six?

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[dreamingabouthendery]

Soarin’ (m)

pairing: jaemin x reader

au: disneyland worker!jaemin and reader

genre: fluff, smut

word count: 6.4k

warnings: smut, swearing, mentions of drugs (you’ll see), descriptions of sick? slight tainting of childhood (not enough to scar), controversial opinions (but not literally), unfunny humour

specific smut warnings (in case you dont want spoilers): fingering, blowjob, unprotected sex (but assume character is on the pill), semi-public sex?

summary: You have worked at Disneyland since the first year of uni, which has all but destroyed your ideals of magic. But when a new boy becomes the Mickey to your Minnie, you can’t help but find yourself intrigued by the bright-eyed newbie. Maybe Disneyland is magic, afterall. (this sucks im so sorry)

very, very heavily inspired by this thread on reddit. also, i hope you enjoy! any feedback will be much appreciated (this is my first fic as im sure youll be able to tell)

Ah, Disneyland, ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’. If you’re a child, that is. Not only can you meet your favorite characters who are probably doing lines in the back between rounds, but you have the honour of being able to watch them dangle helplessly from a wire during the firework display and narrowly avoid death. It’s no wonder you’ve been working there since your first year of uni.

‘Johnny told me there’s a new Mickey coming today.’ Eva, Princess Tiana and, quite frankly, the only decent princess in the whole park, says. She’s currently struggling to pull the long, white gloves over her own blue plastic pair of gloves she puts on for ‘safety reasons’ - her words, not yours. Though, it’s not like you can blame her when the outfits only get washed...well, never.

The two of you are currently the only two in the spacious dressing room which is permanently accompanied by the stench of sweat clinging to the walls, especially since it’s summer.

‘Oh, really?’ You ask from in front of her on the worn wooden bench, pulling your clunky yellow shoes on that dwarf your feet in their enormous size. It took you months to be able to walk in them without constantly tripping. Thankfully, it seems they at least got a wash after being puked on a few days ago.

She nods, moving towards the vanity and smoothing down a stray hair. ‘I know, it didn't take them long. Poor Jeremy, though.’

You hum in agreement. Jeremy ran into some trouble whilst covering a shift for the Donald Duck regular, resulting in a few broken ribs, a black eye and a dislocated shoulder. Or so the NDA requires you to say, anyway. Needless to say he quit on the spot.

‘____?’ You turn and see Johnny, your manager, making his way over to you with a cute guy in tow. ‘This is Jaemin. Jaemin, this is ____. He’s the new weekend Mickey regular. I need you to show him around Toontown discreetly,’ He gives you a pointed look to remind you that your characters aren’t supposed to talk. ‘And then you can camp out in Mickey’s House until the attractions close.’

You smile at Jaemin and he smiles back sheepishly as Johnny walks away without another word. Jaemin has arguably the prettiest smile you’ve ever seen, accompanied by the prettiest lips and the prettiest - is that too many ‘pretty’s? -  twinkling eyes and you can wholeheartedly say you have no problem showing him around ‘discreetly’.

‘Hi, Jaemin.’ You say, suddenly aware of your current state of half-dress with your suit still unzipped and bunched around your waist. You catch him glancing at your exposed top-half and quickly zip up the back before clearing your throat and gesturing towards the locker opposite yours. ‘Mickey’s suit is usually kept in there.’

‘Uh, thanks.’ He turns quickly before looking back at you, clearly not wanting to ask you to leave but not wanting to change in front of you.

‘Meet you outside?’ You take the hint and stand up, grabbing Minnie’s head and placing it over your own.

He nods gratefully and you leave.

‘You’ll have to get used to that, you know.’ You say quietly as he joins you. For a late Saturday afternoon in the summer, the park isn’t as busy as usual; only the occasional family loiters in Toontown, though in the distance you can see the beginnings of a crowd forming in front of Sleeping Beauty’s castle in preparation for the fireworks as the sun begins to set.

‘Used to what?’

‘To seeing other cast members undressed and to them seeing you undressed.’ You say simply, waving to a child with a short brown bob and bucket hat that’s walking towards you as you head slowly from the staff area towards Goofy’s Playhouse. The child stops and asks both of you for your autographs, something that every Disney cast member has to perfect before they get to wear their suit.

‘Right,’ He mutters when she leaves. ‘What happened to the guy before me?’

You glance at him from the corner of your eye, momentarily forgetting you can’t see his face. ‘What’ve you heard?’

‘Nothing, why?’

You sigh. ‘He was jumped by some asshole teenagers. You don’t need to worry, though,’ You add quickly at his sharp intake of breath. ‘You aren’t dressed as Donald Duck so you should be fine.’ You joke.

He laughs slightly at that. ‘Who thought dressing up as a kids’ character could be so dangerous?’

‘Oh, you have no idea.’ You laugh, a little too loudly, drawing more attention to yourself than usual but automatically correct your pitch to match Minnie Mouse’s. You wave at the kids that turn to look at you and they hurry over, asking to take pictures. After they run back to their parents, you turn to Jaemin and ask, ‘So, why did you apply for the job?’

‘Wow, it’s like a second interview.’ You shake your head, mumbling a quick apology. ‘I��ve never actually been to Disneyland before, and you know,’ He gestures his hand aimlessly. ‘This is supposed to be The Most Magical Place on Earth’ - he quotes - ‘so, I guess I wanted to experience the magic firsthand.’

‘That’s Magic Kingdom.’ You correct automatically.

‘Huh?’

‘That’s Magic Kingdom’s motto. Ours is ‘The Happiest Place on Earth’.’

‘Huh. I guess there is a difference, then.’

‘Of course there’s a difference. Magic Kingdom isn’t nearly as good as Disneyland.’ You say simply.

Jaemin snorts. ‘I’m sorry I offended you.’

‘Anyway,’ You say, ‘If you’re looking for a magical experience, you’re coming at it from the wrong angle.’

‘Exactly how bad is it to work here?’ He questions, though you can hear a hint of amusement in his tone.

‘The best I can give you is unforgettable.’ You would explain to him the number of times you’ve caught both members of the public and workers having sex in various places including on various rides, and how Haunted Mansion is notorious for having people leave their loved one’s ashes in it despite the fact they just get vaccumed up, but it’s only his first day and you don’t want to scare him off.

‘Gotcha.’ He merely says and you continue on to show him the Chip ‘n’ Dale Treehouse, your favorite place in Toontown. At night, the treehouse is lit in such a way as to make it whimsical, the ragged branches no longer menacing as they are during the daytime. You can’t complain at the fact that it’s quiet due to the fact that most people overlook it, either, instead mistaking it as decoration and not an actual attraction that you can go in.

This makes it the perfect place to hide out in the nighttime, when people are busy with the most popular attractions and has made it sort of an escape to you. Well, that and it’s given you a bad back.

You pause in front of Mickey’s House. ‘This is your crib,’ you joke. ‘Are you ready for your first official shift?’ You say, feigning drama in your tone.

‘Oh, gee, Minnie, I sure am!’ He replies in Mickey’s tone, emulating it perfectly and making both of you crack up.

‘I have to warn you, though, expect your arm to go dead within the first few minutes from all the waving.’

‘Noted. This job isn’t going to give me carpal tunnel syndrome, is it?’ He asks, only half serious.

‘No, but it may make you hate kids.’

He chokes, but before he can say anything in reply, a small boy who looks about four illustrates your point by pulling down his denim shorts and taking a dump right on the tarmac next to the hideous grey mouse-shaped letterbox.

You can read Jaemin’s horror in his speechlessness as you merely sigh and pull out your radio to call in, ‘We have a code Pooh outside Mickey’s House, over.’

As you walk in your front door to your shared apartment with your roommate, Ailee, you catch her and her boyfriend, Sam, making out on the couch in the living room. You two met in the first week of uni when you both ended up at some frat party that you hated and hit it off.

‘Ew, gross, guys. You have a bedroom, you know.’ You say, throwing your bag on the coffee table and slumping down on the couch next to them, sinking into the plush white cushions.

Ailee merely throws her head back and laughs before saying, ‘Tell me all about it.’

You frown. ‘About what?’

She tuts at you impatiently. ‘Work, duh. Everyday you come home it’s been a bad day,’ She plays with a few strands of your hair comfortingly. ‘So, tell me about it.’

You scrunch your nose up. ‘Nothing out of the ordinary happened.’ You say simply, looking at your nails.

Sam laughs. ‘Even I know you look at your nails when you’re lying, ____.’

Your mouth falls open in shock, offended. ‘I do not.’ You insist and scowl internally.

‘You do,’ Ailee agrees. ‘But it’s okay, that doesn’t matter right now. What’s the juicy story for today?’

You roll your eyes. ‘I’m glad my misery is so entertaining. The only thing that’s different is that there’s a new weekend Mickey regular.’

Ailee and Sam share a pointed look. ‘And?’ She asks, drawing out the syllable.

‘And he’s cute. I guess.’ You add as an afterthought.

Ailee snorts. ‘You guess?’

You groan. ‘Okay, he’s cute, period.’ You concede.

‘So, ask him out.’

‘Can’t. It’s against the rules.’ You mumble.

She gives you an exasperated look. ‘____, sweetie, you’re the most lax person with a job still in the whole park. What’s one date to you that nobody knows about?’

You bite your lip. She does have a point. You think about how cute Jaemin was when he was nervous to greet the kids at the House and hide your grin.

‘She’d have to actually see him again, though, right?’ Sam interjects, interrupting your daydream.

‘Sam, don’t be such a Debby downer.’ Ailee whines.

Whilst it’s true that cast members in a couple usually split up, you doubt they would make Jaemin do his second shift on his own. Resolving to pluck up the courage to ask him out, you go to bed that night apprehensive about the following day.

Apparently God is punishing you for some unknown reason, because you don’t see Jaemin at all that day, or the week after. In fact, you don’t even catch a glimpse of him or the big round ears that are telling of Mickey’s character.

Eve informs you that Johnny teamed him up with Goofy for ‘variety’, meanwhile you’re being sent over to Soarin’ in Grizzly Peak, the most boring area in the whole park due to its unpopularity. You can’t help but worry slightly about Jaemin, though, thinking of the previous time you saw Daniel, Goofy’s actor, when he pulled a flask from seemingly nowhere inside his costume and took a long, deep drink before heading back out, slightly stumbling.

Before you step out, Bella, the girl who plays Cinderella (no, the irony is not lost on you), stops you and says, ‘Oh, ____, I heard the new Mickey Mouse arrived yesterday. Fingers crossed you don’t scare him into quitting, too.’ Ever since you auditioned for the part of Cinderella and lost it to her, Bella has taken to rubbing your inferiority in your face every chance she gets.

You roll your eyes and Eve says back, ‘Oh, fuck off, Bella,’ She turns to you. ‘She’s just jealous ‘cause she thinks he’s cute and he hasn’t even acknowledged her yet.’

You snort as Bella narrows her eyes and stomps away as best she can in her flimsy costume heels.

‘He was asking after you when he came in earlier, you know.’ Eve says.

‘Jaemin was?’

She hums before saying, ‘He looked so disappointed to be paired up with Goofy.’

You feel the blood rushing to your face as you smile. ‘Really?’

Eve looks at you knowingly. ‘Yep, said he wanted to thank you for being so understanding yesterday since no one wants to babysit the newbee.’

‘I’d happily babysit the newbee anytime if they looked like that.’ You say and Eve laughs.

Whilst you’re at the most boring attraction in the park, the day is still no less than eventful. You encounter a child stuck in a tree trying to skip the line for Anna and Elsa’s Royal Welcome on your way to the bathroom due to the nearest one being blocked off. After you manage to actually use the bathroom, you’re surprised to see Elsa herself there, half-dressed at the sink and you can’t help but wonder if that’s the reason the line is so long. To top it all off, one of the only times you manage to fill the ride at Soarin’, you notice a couple getting on while holding a backpack that’s moving and alert the ride operators. When they finally report back to you that there was a six-month-old baby in there, they have to convince you not to ring child protective services.

After you slam your locker closed in the deserted dressing room, you sink down on the rigid bench, putting your head in your hands and massaging your growing headache.

‘____,’ A voice starts and you jump, looking up to see Johnny standing above you, clipboard in hand. He barely gives you a second glance when he startles you, instead pretending not to notice and continuing, ‘I need you next Friday for a grad night.’

You groan. Grad nights are the worst events Disneyland continuously puts on, in the past coming second only to Nights of Joy, the annual Christian festival, before it was cancelled for good. Even the managers rejoiced in the abolition of Nights of Joy. ‘Can’t you find someone else to be Minnie? Everyone knows how bad grad nights are.’

Johnny sighs. ‘Fine, then. I’ll put you on watching the cameras for Star Tours with Jaemin.’

You ignore the way you want to immediately jump on the chance for some one-on-one time with Jaemin and raise an eyebrow. ‘Aren’t you not supposed to do that? You know, because he’s new and I’m not trained in…’ You trail off at the glare he’s giving you and purse your lips, nodding your head in acceptance.

‘Great, thanks.’ He says sarcastically and walks out.

At least the next time you return to Hell on Earth it won’t be in a Minnie costume.

You feel strange as you unlock and push open the door to the CCTV monitor room. If you had to put money on it, you would say it’s because this isn’t your job and you technically shouldn’t be here, but you’re not much of a gambler.

The heavy metal door gives way, opening to a small room with roughly fifty monitors, each displaying the Star Tours ride, the attraction itself as a whole and the surrounding area. You note the odd statue opposite the entrance that you don’t remember the name of - the satellites surrounding a distinct shape that is rocket-like. You shake your head internally at the sight. Why are the only pretty decorations reserved for Fantasyland?

You also note the dim red lighting and frown in confusion as your eyes land on Jaemin, sitting in an office chair in front of the wall of screens, wearing the same uniform consisting of a pale blue shirt and black trousers as you, except wearing it a hundred times better.

He turns upon your entrance, smiling as he takes in your attire. ‘I thought I’d set the mood with some lighting.’ He grins cheekily.

‘Oh?’ You say, stepping into the room, locking the door behind you. ‘What mood is that exactly?’

His smile grows wider as he says, ‘Adventure. We’re in for a night, so I hear.’

You groan, ‘You’ll wish you never agreed to doing this.’ You make your way to the chair next to his, sitting down on the flat cushion and leaning back.

‘How bad can it really be? These are literally a bunch of eighteen-year-olds who aren’t of legal drinking age yet and they’re supervised.’

You shook your head in mock sympathy. ‘Sweet, sweet, naive boy,’ You say. ‘Now you’ve jinxed it.’ You eye his coffee cup and wrinkle your nose in distaste at the black liquid. It looks like you’re staring into the pits of Hell. ‘What is that atrocity?’

He follows your gaze and laughs. ‘It’s coffee. Wanna try some?’ He maintains eye contact as he takes a sip and then offers it to you.

‘God, no. I have self-respect.’

He places it back down next to an intimidating set of controls, a hint of amusement in his eyes. ‘Also, I wanted to say thank you for the other week. For showing me around and stuff.’ He looks down shyly.

‘Oh, it’s, um, no problem. How have you been coping?’ You ask slightly awkwardly, not knowing what to do at his sudden personality flip-flop.

‘It’s a lot harder than I imagined it to be, honestly. I thought the worst that could happen would be screaming children and impatient parents.’ He admits.

You nod. ‘I thought the same when I first started last year. Little did I know the Karens were the least of my problems.’

He laughs breathily. ‘Tell me about it. I don’t know how you’ve managed to last so long.’

You shrug, embarrassed. ‘I just like making the kids’ day I guess.’

He coos and you push him lightly, smiling. ‘Why don’t we play a game?’ He asks, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

You narrow your own eyes. ‘What kind of game?’

‘Hmm,’ He pretends to think, tapping his chin. ‘How about twenty-one questions?’

‘Okay,’ You say slowly. ‘What are our rules going to be?’

He smirks. ‘You only get one get-out-of-jail card. And if you use it, you have to do what the other person says.’

You sigh. ‘Fine. Then, follow-up questions to your answers don’t count.’

‘Deal. I’ll go first,’ At your mildly worried look, he says, ‘Don’t worry, I’ll go easy on you. What are you studying in uni?’

‘Business and management.’ You say instantly, and he looks intrigued. ‘It was either that or English lit, and my parents weren’t too keen on me studying that.’

He frowns. ‘Why not?’

You avoid eye contact as you answer. ‘They’re both doctors,’ You clear your throat. ‘Are you in uni?’ You love your parents with all your heart but sometimes you wish they would just be happy with you being happy.

He takes the hint and moves on. ‘Yeah, I’m actually doing photography.’ He says, scratching the back of his neck.

Your head perks up. ‘Really? That’s so cool. My roommate is studying photography, too. Is that what you want to do after you graduate?’

His face relaxes. ‘I’m not really sure, to be honest. I just know it’s something I’m passionate about, you know?’ At your nod of encouragement, he continues, ‘There’s just something so amazing about capturing a moment forever in a way that really brings out its true beauty.’

You give him a small smile. ‘That sounds really special.’

He shrugs, though you can tell he appreciates it. ‘Anyway, it’s your turn to answer. Do you have a boyfriend?’

If you were drinking something, you’re sure you would have choked. ‘I-no?’

He looks slightly put out. ‘Is it complicated?’

You shake your head, maybe a little too hard. ‘No, sorry, you just caught me off guard. No, I don’t have a boyfriend.’ He looks instantly brighter. ‘Why, are you asking me out?’ You tease.

He blushes. ‘I mean, uh, I, um-’

‘Oh my God,’ You laugh, though you feel disappointed. ‘It’s okay, I was only joking. Ouch.’ You’re almost glad you didn’t get a chance to ask him out and make things awkward between the two of you. Maybe not seeing him for two weeks was a sign from the universe not to fuck up.

‘I didn’t mean it like that, oh God, I’m sorry.’ He groans and buries his face in his hands.

You tap him playfully on the shoulder. ‘It’s fine,’ You can’t help but feel hurt. Why did he ask you if he doesn’t care whether you have one or not? Maybe you’re just reading too much into it. ‘My turn, anyway. What’s traumatized you the most since working here?’

‘Learning that when cast members say ‘have a Disney day’ they really mean ‘fuck you’.’

You throw your head back and laugh. ‘That’s my favorite. Although as far as things go, that’s pretty vanilla.’

‘Maybe I’m a vanilla guy.’ He teases, and you can’t help but let your mind wander to an image of him hovering over you, reaching up to intertwine your hands together as he moans sweetly in your ear and you feel your face heat up.

‘So you’re admitting you’re boring.’ You joke halfheartedly, almost off-beat.

He places his hand over his heart in mock hurt. ‘That was uncalled for. Alright then, little miss kinky, where’s the most daring place you’ve had sex?’

Your eyes widen comically. ‘I-’ You glance at the monitors and see two figures in the back row of the mostly deserted ride, one hunched over with their head in the lap of what you make out to be a guy judging by the other figure’s movements. ‘Oh my God, no!’ You cry and fumble for the microphone.

‘What? What is it?’ Jaemin asks, his eyes searching. You can tell the moment he sees what you’re seeing, because he instantly cracks up laughing.

‘It’s not funny,’ You whine, pressing the red button on the microphone and saying as firmly as you can as monotonous as you can, ‘This is a family-friendly ride. Please refrain from scarring’ - you hiss and the figure has the decency to bolt upright and you see that they’re a girl - ‘the camera operators and fellow riders. Thank you.’ The others on the ride look around in confusion, and you can see the girl turn to say something to the boy. Judging by the way she gestures, it’s safe to assume it’s something biting.

‘I thought you said this happens all the time.’ Jaemin says once he’s calmed down enough to make the words out.

‘It does,’ You keep your eye on the couple, the guy wearing a smug grin as he zips up his trousers and the girl looking meek and embarrassed. Good. Public indecency is no joke. ‘But that doesn’t make it any less gross. This is a kids’ park for goodness sake.’

‘But there aren’t any kids around.’

You give him an exasperated look. ‘Well, I would never be okay with doing it on a ride in public.’

He licks his lips and you follow the movement only slightly too closely. ‘So when I asked where the most risky place you’ve had sex is…’ He trails off, smirking.

‘You can cross a literal children’s park from the list of possibilities, and proudly so.’ You say stubbornly. ‘Please don’t tell me you have.’ You rush to say upon seeing his face.

‘I haven’t.’ He says slowly, crossing his arms over his chest and sitting back in his chair, spreading his legs. You wish they didn’t look so inviting. You wait for him to elaborate, but he doesn’t.

‘But?’ You probe.

‘But nothing,’ He says simply. ‘So, are you gonna answer my question or are you gonna forfeit?’

You scowl at him. ‘What do you want if I do?’ You can feel your pulse racing in both excitement and fear but you keep your face blank.

His eyes shine as he leans forward, bracing his elbows on his thighs. ‘I don’t know yet.’

You swallow at his suggestive tone. ‘Fine, I’ll tell you,’ You concede, and he seems to not know whether to be pleased or disappointed. ‘My ex was a bit of an exhibitionist. He, um, you know, touched me when we went to see a movie.’

Jaemin raises an eyebrow, but you miss the glint in his gaze. ‘I thought you weren’t down for doing it in kids’ places.’

‘We were watching Paranormal Activity.’ You say flatly.

‘And?’

‘And it’s rated eighteen plus!’ You defend.

‘Is that the furthest you’ve gone in public? No compromising positions? No p in the-’

You cut him off hurriedly before he can go any further. ‘I’ve just never done it anywhere risky,’ You sigh dramatically. ‘I think I’m vanilla, too.’

He laughs loudly. ‘You don’t have to say it like it’s a bad thing. Anyway, I never said I was vanilla.’

You frown. ‘Earlier, you did.’

‘Did I? Maybe I was just saying it to tease you.’ He smiles a wide, boyish smile, completely contradicting what he’s implying with his words.

‘Oh?’ You say breathlessly. ‘Well, okay then.’

‘Don’t believe me?’

‘I-what? I never said-’

‘Would you rather I show you?’ He offers and your breath hitches as you meet his intense eyes. The warm brown seems darker and he glances at your chest as you breathe deeply. You can’t believe he said that. In the short time you’ve known him, you’re taken aback at how quickly he can switch between shyness and confidence.

When you merely stare back at him, not knowing what to say, he stands up and closes the short distance between the two of you so that his knee grazes your own as he stands above you. ‘____,’ He says, a slight rasp in his voice. ‘I need you to say it if you want this.’

You swallow and whisper, ‘Yes.’

He cups your face with his hand, his thumb softly stroking your cheek as he brings his lips down upon yours. You lift your own hand to hold his wrist which is currently beside your face and use the other one to grip onto the arm of the chair to ground yourself in the moment.

You let loose a small whimper as he glides his tongue across your bottom lip, and you part your lips to allow it in. He grips you tighter before he pulls away from your mouth to trail wet kisses across your jaw. ‘Guess you ended up tasting my coffee, anyway, hm?’ He whispers lowly into your ear before pecking it and you shudder, with both pleasure and laughter.

‘I guess so.’ You look into his eyes and see the pure hunger that makes you squeeze your thighs together.

Jaemin notices and pulls you up gently, pushing your hips into the desk with the monitors above it. Taking the hint, you spread your legs to give him room to stand between them, and he praises a quick, ‘Atta girl’, before leaning back down to reconnect your lips. You now take note of the slight hint of coffee on his tongue this time but you don’t care as you impatiently and desperately kiss him back and wrap your arms around his neck, bringing him closer. His hand ghosts up your thigh, making you shiver in his arms. He slowly moves to unbutton your bottoms, giving you time to stop him.

In response, however, you whine at what feels like his teasing and unbutton and unzip them yourself, causing him to chuckle as he pulls away. ‘Are you impatient, baby?’ You swoon internally at the pet name and nod, biting your lip.

‘Please,’ You manage. ‘Want you to touch me.’

He moans and slides his fingers into your underwear, not wanting to tease you over them after you asked so nicely. He grins as his fingers slide in your arousal and says, ‘You’re so wet already. Do you want me to make you come all over my fingers?’

‘Fuck, yes.’ You breathe.

His eyes drink in your rapidly rising chest and the utter desire written all over your face as he gently slides a finger inside you. ‘So tight and wet. How are you gonna take my cock if you’re this tight, hm?’ You whine and he eases a second finger in and starts thrusting at a pace that makes you arch your back. 

Your hand flies to his bicep, feeling the way it flexes under your fingertips as he scissors his fingers inside of you. His thumb finds your clit and rubs hard circles into it, the pressure being just enough to make your toes curl. You lean into him and rest your head on his shoulder, pressing a swift kiss to the juncture between it and his neck. You marvel at the way goosebumps rise upon your touch and the way your breaths feel huffing against his rapidly heating skin. You can smell the faint scent of earthiness and wood from his cologne, which you take a deep breath of and breathe in his aroma as your hand winds itself in his hair and tugs when a particular deep surge of his fingers hits a spot that makes your brain go fuzzy.

‘Jaemin.’ You moan and he all but growls.    

‘That’s it, baby, say my name. Are you close? Wanna see your face when I make you cum.’ His words weigh down your lower stomach like a ton of bricks, furthering you along in your chase to find your release. He nudges your clit deliciously, teasing you by rubbing around it every now and then, pulling you away only to bring you back with ten times the sensitivity and it’s enough to push you closer to the edge faster than when you touch yourself.

You feel the coil in your stomach tightening as you nod to answer his question and unbutton your top enough to fit your hand into your bra, your fingers finding your nipple and rolling it between them. You lift your face from his shoulder and stare into the seemingly pitless black of his eyes as they’re stuck to your face and the changes in your expression as he brings you to the edge. ‘Yes, don’t stop, please.’ You manage. His features are hard to make out in the dim lighting, but you notice the way his eyes zero in on your hand stuffed into your bra and it’s when he picks up the pace, fucking his fingers into you harder that you finally let go. Your eyes roll back and your grip on his arm tightens as you moan his name like a mantra.

He takes his fingers out after riding you through your high and makes eye contact as he sucks his fingers clean. ‘Mm, sweet.’ He teases.

You hide behind your hands in embarrassment and he laughs as he pries them away from your face. ‘You gonna let me bend you over this desk, now?’ He grins.

You nod meekly, your legs trembling as you stand up to your full height. Jaemin unbuttons your blouse as you return the gesture on him, pushing his shirt open to run your fingers down the ridges in his stomach. You teasingly flick your thumbs over his nipples and he gasps, to which you smirk and repeat the motion, causing him to moan and you bite your lip at the sound. ‘Sensitive, are you?’

He slaps your ass playfully in response, pulling your trousers and underwear down in one go. You reach behind you and unclip your bra as you step out of the pool of clothing at your feet, pulling it down your arms slowly. He opens his mouth to make a remark, but decides against it as your breasts come into view. He sucks in a breath and reaches up, tugging your left nipple that’s standing to attention. ‘You’re perfect.’ He says, taking in your figure.

You smile, hearing the sincerity in his voice. ‘I want to see you, too.’ You pout, pulling on his belt loops so that he’s even closer and then reaching down to undo them.

He helps you by unbuckling his belt and letting his trousers drop to the floor. You reach into his underwear and run your fingers down his length before wrapping your hand around it and moving it up and down. He throws his head back and you kiss down his neck, tasting the bittersweet salt of his sweat and the natural flavour of his skin. You pull him out of his underwear and begin to pick up the pace but all too soon he puts his hand over yours, halting you.

‘I want to come inside you.’ He phrases it like a question and you nod, turning around and bending over the desk. His hands smooth over the flesh of your ass as he says, ‘You look so good like this.’ Jaemin runs his length between your lips to lube himself and then situates himself so that he’s pressing against your entrance. ‘Ready?’

‘Yes. Please, Jaemin.’ You push your hips back so he gets the hint.

‘That never gets old,’ He pushes himself in steadily and you gasp at the stretch and how satisfying it feels. ‘Been wanting to hear you moan my name since the first day.’

You moan as he thrusts into you, hard and fast. His pace is almost bruising, the way he grips your hips assures you that you’ll feel a smattering of fingertip-shaped soreness tomorrow when you run your fingers over the area. ‘Me too.’ You say in between breaths. He reaches up to roll your bud between his fingers and you whine; your hand travels between your legs to rub your clit. It jumps a little from sensitivity but you keep at it until you just feel pure, white-hot pleasure.

‘Fuck!’ He shouts as you clench around him once he hits a spot that has you grasping his wrist. ‘You feel so fucking good,’ He praises, kissing up your back until he’s whispering in your ear, ‘So. Fucking. Good.’ In between thrusts. You shudder and turn your head, capturing his lips in yours. The kiss is messy but neither of you can bring yourselves to care, too lost in the feeling and taste of each other to pay it any mind. The sound of your hips connecting fills the small room, echoing as it bounces off the walls until your head is filled with his moans and his skin on yours and just Jaemin, Jaemin, Jaemin.

You feel yourself hovering over the edge almost embarrassingly quick and you cry out, ‘I’m so close.’

‘Yeah? Gonna come all over my cock like a good girl?’ He says huskily and you bite your lip and nod. You never would’ve guessed the timid boy you met on the first day who looked so innocent as the new guy had such a dirty mouth. It makes you shiver all over, loving the way his words caress your skin and make your nipples stand to an impossible hardness.

‘Yeah. Wanna be good for you.’

He groans. ‘You are, baby, you’re so good for me.’ At his words, you feel yourself come undone and your legs shake from the effort of holding you up. Jaemin whines as you clench around him sporadically, your breaths coming out in ragged puffs. You swear the sound pushes you harder for longer, wanting to do everything you can to hear him make such a pretty noise again.

‘Wait,’ You say, and he stops immediately. ‘I’m too sensitive. I can’t-’ Your voice cracks.

‘Can’t what, ____? Do you want me to stop?’ You can hear the genuine concern laced in his words.

‘No, well, yes,’ You huff and turn around, letting him slide out of you and you internally cringe at the feeling of him brushing against your sensitive walls. ‘Come here.’ You reach for his hands and pull him back over to you, closing the distance he put between you after you turned around. He looks confused as you smile lazily and kiss him sloppily, your hand moving between his legs to grab him at the base and squeezing him.

He moans and breaks off the kiss. ‘____, if you want to stop-’ You shush him as you drop to your knees and his eyes light up as you lean in to kiss the tip of him lovingly.

You trail your tongue from base to tip and take him in your mouth, suckling the head.

He curses. ‘Please don’t tease, I’m so close already.’

You relent, opening your mouth as wide as you can and sinking down to fit as much of him as you can. What doesn’t fit, you stroke with your hand. You can just about fit your hand around his girth and you can taste yourself on him, something you never thought you’d like but in that moment nothing could be hotter. He fists his hands in your hair, tugging slightly to make you look up at him. When you do, you moan around him at the sight - teeth tugging on his lower lip as he lets out moans here and there when you pay extra attention to the tip and his head thrown back, baring the honey-colored skin of his neck to your hungry eyes. He finally looks down at you and you’re close enough to hear his breath hitch as he watches you take him in and out of your mouth in a trance. You twist and tug him in a way that has his thigh twitching next to your head and so you place your hands on them and take him into your throat.

It’s when you simultaneously fondle his balls that he lets out a quiet ‘fuck’, followed by an ‘I’m coming’ and thrusts shallowly, causing tears to spring in your eyes. He releases into your mouth and you swallow it down and clean him off, earning that whimper that makes your clit throb.

Jaemin pulls you to your feet and into a kiss that you both commit to; one that’s passionate and slow as you calm both of your racing hearts and come down from the high of intimacy. You know he can taste himself on you, but he doesn’t hesitate to give his all. When he breaks away, he leans his forehead against yours, leaving wet kisses all over your face and you giggle. He runs his hands up your arms and says, ‘So, can I take you on a date now?’

You look into his eyes and nod, feeling suddenly shy at his vulnerable stare. ‘Yeah, I’d like that.’

‘So,’ He says casually, pulling you in closer by wrapping his arms around your shoulders. ‘Is this officially the weirdest place you’ve had sex?’

You gasp and slap his chest lightly but he just cackles in return, pulling you back into him.

[cooliogirl101]

I was rereading your hisana AUs (which I love so much thank you) and was wondering: in the Nobody AU what would Hisana and Gin’s interactions be if they ever meet at all? Since hisana met gin at the seiretei and that’s not the case here would she meet him instead while he was out on a mission in the rukongai? Im curious to hear your thoughts. And thank you I love your writing!

Funnily enough, I feel like out of everyone she knows, her relationship with Gin would change the least. With everyone else, she refuses to get close to them because they either a.) have a preexisting relationship with canon!Hisana and she refuses to mess that up or b.) she doesn’t want to risk their safety by getting them involved in her personal vendetta against Aizen, or c.) both. With Gin, well...he has zero relationship with canon!Hisana (he like, is vaguely aware of her existence but that’s it) and he already has his own personal vendetta against Aizen. 

On Gin’s part, I feel like he would be the first person to figure out the puzzle that is Nobody. Not her identity, but the fact that she originally wasn’t from his world. 

“You know, I gotta thank ya. It’s been a while since I’ve been this interested in something.” Gin said, tilting his head to the side. “You really are a fascinating little puzzle, aren’t ya?” 

“Are you going to get to the point sometime this decade?” The cloaked figure in front of him asked irritably. “Because if not, I’d like to go get changed. I hate the feeling of blood on my clothes, ugh.” 

“I agree. The way it gets all sticky and tacky as it dries? Gross,” Gin said, giving an exaggerated shudder. “And honestly, it makes doing laundry such a pain. At least most of the uniform is black, but--”

“Some of it’s white and while fresh blood adds a splash of color, rusty brown isn’t an appealing shade on anyone,” Nobody finished, giving Gin the strong impression of rolling her eyes despite 90% of her face being covered. “My deepest apologies for disrupting your aesthetic sense by bleeding on you, shinigami-san-- next time, I’ll do my best to aim my blood away from your pristine robes.” 

Gin simply smiled. 

“And there it is again,” he murmured. “Tell me, Nobody-san. How is it that you know me so well when I don’t recall ever meeting you before today?”

“What are you talking about?” Nobody asked, folding her arms across her chest. 

“What you just said right now. About how ‘fresh blood adds a splash of color,’ and how ‘rusty brown isn’t an appealing shade on anyone.’ They’re not the exact words I’d have used, but they’re pretty damn close. Interesting that a mere two hours into our acquaintance, you would already know me well enough to predict my next words, wouldn’t ya say?” 

“Perhaps you’re simply predictable,” Nobody replied coolly. Gin’s smile widened. 

“I’ve been accused of many things, my dear, but predictable isn’t one of them,” he said softly. “You know, I couldn’t figure it out for the longest time. Couldn’t figure you out for the longest time.”

“Well, that’s on you,” Nobody muttered. “I’m not that complicated.”

He ignored her. 

“How was it that a stranger, someone no one had ever heard of, a complete nobody-- pardon the pun-- could know so much about the inner workings of the Gotei 13? How to get in and out unnoticed, how to wander the Seireitei without getting lost, exactly what to offer Kuchiki Byakuya to get him to agree to all of their demands...” Gin’s voice trailed off. “Too many things didn’t add up. Too many things didn’t make sense.” 

“I could be a rogue shinigami,” Nobody said evenly, voice giving nothing away. 

“The prevailing theory in the Seireitei right now,” Gin agreed. “But then you started going after Aizen Sousuke.” His smile turned sharp. “Not directly, of course. I don’t believe you’re that stupid. But you started going after his spies, his labs, even the most hidden ones. You started tracking down powerful hollows, warning them about him, about his shikai-- his most guarded secret, something you should’ve had absolutely no way of knowing.”

“You think just because you’re Aizen’s second in command, he trusts you with everything?” Her voice was mocking. “Have you considered that-- maybe, just maybe-- he knew about me and didn’t tell you? It would be awfully humiliating on his part to admit that an experiment of his had gone rogue, managed to escape, and was currently messing up his plans, after all.” 

“I’ll admit, that’s what I thought had happened. But then I met you.” He shook his head. “And I realized you knew me, even though I didn’t know you. More than that, you knew how I talked, you were familiar with my fighting techniques in a way only someone who’s fought me before would be, and--” 

He paused, smile slipping for the first time during their conversation. 

“And you know enough about me to know that I’m not loyal to Aizen. And someone who knows that, knows me very well indeed,” Gin finished quietly. “So let me ask you again: why don’t I know you?”

Nobody didn’t say anything for a long moment. Then--

“You’ve never been good at remembering those who didn’t interest you, Gin,” she said, a strange note in her voice. It almost sounded as if she was smiling beneath her mask. “In fact, I’m willing to bet a hundred dango that you can’t name five officers in your own division. By their actual names, not whatever weird nicknames you’ve come up with them in your head,” she added when he opened his mouth. 

Gin looked at her for a moment. 

“I can’t imagine I would’ve forgotten you,” he said honestly. 

“Well, what other explanation is there?” She asked, tilting her head to the side. 

“Just one,” Gin said, opening his eyes fully. “What did he mean to you, the other me?” 

“I--” For the first time, Nobody seemed truly caught off guard. “What?” 

“The other me. The future me, or perhaps the me from another dimension. What did he mean to you?” Gin asked, leaning in. 

Nobody turned away, ducking her head. It was all the confirmation he needed. 

“What does it matter? He’s gone,” she snapped after a second’s pause. “They’re all gone. There’s nobody left.” 

“Nobody left,” Gin repeated. Ah. So that was how she’d come up with the name. 

She looked up at him for a moment. 

“You were the last one to go,” she said distantly. “You asked what you-- the other you-- meant to me. You weren’t...we weren’t anything, really. Not friends and not even enemies, towards the end. You were just someone who was there, constantly, this incessant, unending presence I could never get rid of, that showed up everywhere, up until...up until you weren’t, anymore.” She laughed hollowly. “But now you’re back and you’re exactly the same, and--”

Someone who was always there. 

Someone who stayed. 

Gin wasn’t sure how he felt about that. 

“Exactly the same? I doubt that. I like ta think that I’m unique in every universe,” he said instead. 

“Well.” She considered his words for a moment. “You’re right, you aren’t exactly the same. There are some slight differences I’ve noticed.” 

“Oh?” Gin asked curiously. 

“Yeah. The other you was better looking.” 

[medranochav]

my moms been living with us for 4 months now. her stay was initially tolerable but is now triggering and I find myself regressing in a lot of ways. Her grief has evolved into torment and per her m.o. she'd like for her issues to take first priority. Except, my sis and I are grown now, and as a therapised household (literally we've all been in counseling, babies included) though we still lean on each other for support, we ultimately don't function codependently.

And beeecause that's not how we grew up, I think my mother is now having to contend with the reality that she has to do the emotional work of surviving her many traumas (and currently her many dramas) on her own. We support her but we can't fix it for her.

Currently, it's a crisis a day and she's spiraling into mini catastrophic states everytime. Which was sufferable at first because despite my labored support, I still maintained my boundaries and didn't adopt her distress as my own. The problem now is the increasing frequency with which these crying spells are taking place. Not to mention the fact that she's been doing so in front of the kids; something that would normally be acceptable because my sis and I make space for feelings (even our own) in our home. The difference being, we do so responsibly. We listen, we talk, give affection and/or space but always with the fundamental knowledge that our emotions belong to us individually and only we can be accountable for them. A gentle reminder that though part of a unit, they still have agency and accountability.

This interdependency makes way for a more compassionate exchange. Whenever they see us cry or be vunerable, the kids have the wherewithal to approach us without attaching themselves to our emotional circumstance. It's an empathy that perceives our emotional reactions as relatable but still not their responsibility. I've seen our work proven time and time again.

One example is when my sister's [redacted] died and the boys spotted her crying on the couch. Without being prompted, they approached her independently, commiserated, hugged and kissed her and shortly after went back to playing on their electronics. It was such a graceful display of emotional validation that demonstrated their love for her without sacrificing their own desires in doing so. Truly remarkable, that at ages 5-8 they maintained boundaries while still being there for their mom.

They're also there for one another but it's seldom a sinking ship. And when emotional support is rejected they respect that as well, without taking it personally [tbh that has more to do with concepts of mandatory consent that we impart on them, but as is evident, it applies. #intersectionality] It's an ongoing practice that I'm proud to be a part of, considering the kids have codependent figureheads in both their maternal and paternal families. WE'RE TRYING TO BREAK CYCLES HERE.

Yes, our home is a safe space for emotional processing but always leveraged with the emotional balance of self reliance, awareness and resiliency. The kids have proven to have the capacity for this and through teaching them, so do we.

It's human to have outbursts, but my mother's pattern is proving to be less intrinsic and more deliberate. She needs an audience in order to experience catharsis. A potentially reasonable behavior except for it's her only one. So it's imbalanced and seeks refuge in the reliance of our total empathy.

Furthermore she's disingenuous in her emotional performances. When approached out of concern, she responds with the proverbial, "I'm ok." Like, its subtle but super manipulative to say that, when we can CLEARLY see she's not. The kids see and hear her, the least she could do is not gaslight them. And I'm not saying her tactics are successful but it exposes the bby's to unnecessary dysfunction and covertly teaches them to assume the responsibility of communicating her emotion for her. She's also non verbal and unpredictable and tho not at her best rn [like, literally who is? this year has wrecked us all] she and we deserve proper communication.

The mind games are soul sucking and triggering for me in a way that is not for my sister. Though we share a mother, the repective versions of her that we experienced as children differ greatly.

My sister's the eldest and spent the first couple years of her life as the only child to a very young mother living alone in America after being displaced by the civil unrest in her native El Salvador. By age 3, with the addition of a new baby sister (my moms 2nd) she was sent to a country fully at war. My sisters would spend the next half decade of their lives in sunny wartorn tropics, watched over and raised by our family of four women. A blissful antithesis to their future with our mom. Upon the return to their forgotten country of origin (USA) and severed from the only family and community they've ever known, the girls were whisked away by a mother they barely remembered and a baby brother they had never met... marking the beginning of my mom's descent into single motherhood.

My mom resented having a brood of kids, namely her 2nd and 3rd, who's father was abusive and absent. Don't know much of the facts outside of what she would ritualistically berate my siblings about during her brutal tantrums -as if it were their fault they simply existed. The second born, my other sister, left home at 12 and has been estranged ever since and the third, my brother, has recently severed bonds abruptly claiming a new life with a woman he's known barely a year yet now calls wife. Proving that despite being raised by the same woman we all had different mothers.

Since my siblings endured a childhood with a volatile, violent woman who managed her emotions thru physical abuse... when she wasn't, she was neglectful of them, turning her attention onto me... the youngest (four years removed from the rest of the pack). I bore witness to said abuse until I was 5, when it was litigiously exposed, forcing her to abandon corporal punishment and rely solely on mental/emotional abuse. That's the version of my mom I got.

I was 10 when my sister left for college. Just my brother and I remained. Similarly to each other we both lived in service to our mother. Whereas his duties were more physically laborious, mine consisted of full on emotional labor. I spent most of my childhood navigating a homelife that was so saturated and occupied by my mother's opera of a life, that there was no room for my feelings, thoughts, desires or identity. I was her plaything, a person sans agency. My age and vulnerability proved advantagous when grooming me. I learned to behave in ways satisfactory to her needs. I was made to react to (and collect) her emotional distress, endorse her judgements of others, perform well in school as a testament to her rearing, and accept her violations of me as normal. I was a shackled spectator, whose own emotions were mere reflections of her dramatizations. I was tailored to be the MOST convenient. So I kept secrets and coped alone. I knew just enough abt myself to remain human but lacked the vision to actualize it. And because emotional abuse is so insidious in its indoctrination, I was really none the wiser until I too moved away years later.

I'm almost 30 now and I'm a mess. I can't establish enduring relationships, I'm fat, I'm broke, I'm debilitatingly avoidant, socially inept, codependent, confused and lack significant self worth. I spent the past decade delving deep into undoing all the work done to me to keep me a reliable supply for my mother and coming to terms with all the time lost in doing so. I've had glimpses and proof of another life but this year sent me back to old coping mechanisms and devastatingly familiar relationships. I read that by its very nature, all pandemics have to end and I thought I was strong enough to share a definite time&space with my abuser for the foreseeable future.... but with no end in sight, I kind of really wish I had established a clearer version of myself and where I stand in this family, to her.

Similar predicaments flung us both to the south and having her here is like a screen forging images of the same dysfunction I exhibited upon my arrival 7 years ago. There's so much I wish I could tell my former self, namely, "it's not your fault. you're not alone. you don't have to try so hard and tomorrow is another day" And perhapz it's this layered vision of myself as seen thru her that compels me to want to save her, but doing so requires me to get too close to a flame I've yet to extinguish. Im not foundationally sound enough to go up in flames and rebuild afterwards, I need a few more rounds of therapy for all that. I'm a stitch away from coming apart at the seams. Weak construction, but I'm still standing. I have more life to live and can't risk the breeze of my mother's chaotic whims to topple what's taken years to forge. I love her, because she's the only mom I got and because she's the kids' only access to our motherland. How can I reconcile this version of me with this version of her?

[haikyuu-scenarios-drabbles]

HAIKYUU IS BACK AND SO HERE I AM 

listen folks, season 4 has come. my crops are flourishing, my skin is clear, i’ve been revived. i cried and watched the opening 4 times, i’ve watched the episodes 3x now. Kuroo has always owned me and bITCH he still does. 

as usual, i have no shame, so have this professor Kuroo x  grad student reader that turned surprisingly angsty (my heart is so full with s4 that idk how it ended that way). i dont even care how cliche this is, im so weak for stuff like this. also i have no idea if this field is even a thing but i dont care 

warnings: suggestive nsfw, angst 

will there be a part 2? who knows 😉 (spoiler, there is...and three and four)

as usual, 💖 J

~

You weren’t exactly sure what you were expecting what your faculty member that you’d be working with for your graduate career to be like, but it had been more along the lines of: crotchety old man, white hair, still sporting tweed suit jackets from the seventies. It definitely never crossed your mind that a young man, probably around your age, you’d guess a bit older since he was already a faculty member, would greet you on your first day.

You also weren’t expecting him to be fucking drop dead gorgeous—and you mean ovary melting, cliché totally swooning material. Never in your life have you felt so nervous around a person before. It really wasn’t fair in the slightest. And on top of it all, he was amiable. The two of you got along swimmingly, half in part to how close you are in age and the other half since you’re both mad about biotechnology.

You tried. You really did. Tried not to develop a crush on him. But the more you got to know him, the more days spent together, you felt yourself falling deeper and deeper because it wasn’t just about looks anymore. You liked him. A lot too. You can’t even explain why. You learned rather quickly he’s no lady killer like he’s looks suggested—oh no. He’s the biggest dork you’ve ever met.  And now you’re head over heels with no hope of going back. It was a rather futile attempt to resist it.

Sitting at your desk, you rub your hands over your face trying to get those thoughts out of your head. Or at least shove them to the far depths of your brain so you can continue to act like everything is fine and not like your heart is going to overwork itself anytime he’s anywhere near you. And god—was that getting increasingly difficult. With your first year ending and presenting your research at the National Biotech Conference coming up, the two of you have been spending more and more late nights in the lab together. Alone.

You might as well dig your grave now.

Just a few nights ago the night ended early because he set off the fire alarm making a hot pocket. The two of you too enamored with the project to notice the microwave on the verge of combusting. Why the hell he put it in there for five minutes was beyond you, but he tried to explain that he was planning on taking it out before the timer ran out. The memory of it makes the corner of your mouth quirk upward.

“You bored out of your mind already?” A voice teases from behind you, making you to jolt in your seat.

Speak of the devil.

You turn in your chair to find none other than the root of your problems: Dr. Kuroo. Jesus fuck you can barely look straight at him without feeling some sort of nerves ball up in your stomach.

Giving him a weak smile, you say, “Those all-nighters are really getting the best of me.”

His eyes soften and christ—you need medical help to deal with the way your heart is stuttering in your chest. By the end of this conversation you’re going to need a defibrillator with the way he smiles at you sheepishly rubbing the back of his neck. “Riiiight. About those….” He avoids your gaze and you already know what’s coming.

“Another one tonight?”

He sighs. “Yeah. Sorry about that. We’re just really down to the wire now. I want to make sure everything is set.”

You wave him off, there’s nothing to apologize for. You knew what you were getting into here. And you know it’s only his second conference as a distinguished member of the community, so he has a standard to uphold.

A startled gasp escapes you when his voice appears right next to your goddamn ear, his warm breath against your skin practically sending you into a frenzy. “You working on the statistics?” The nod you give him is almost imperceptible, afraid any movements from you are going to give away how his proximity is making you feel. His eyes scan your screen before patting you on the shoulder. “Looks good so far, send it to me when you’re done.”

You let out a breath of relief you didn’t know you were holding when he moves away.

How the fuck are you going to survive the next year?

Hell—how are you going to survive a week-long convention with him?

As he heads back to his own desk, Kuroo glances warily around the office to make note of any suspicious onlookers. It’s been harder and harder to keep that professional line with you, and every public conversation you shared he was highly aware to not slip into his easy mannerisms he found himself indulging in during all those late nights. Because fuck him—he liked you. Why did he of all the options get assigned the one graduate student who is his age and is fucking gorgeous on top of your academic prowess?

He never stood a chance.

He is barreling straight towards an academic violation at full speed and his brakes are broken. That’s how bad it is.

But goddamn he can keep it in his pants for the sake of his job and your career.

That sentiment went to shit that night.

You’re late, which almost never happens. He can count on one hand the times you’ve been late. And you always texted him with your ETA and an explanation but tonight…silence. He knows you haven’t left, he saw you a little over an hour ago speaking to Dr. Yu, and a quick trip to your desk confirms it; all your stuff is still here.

He’s lucky to catch Dr. Yu on his way out, asking if he knows of your whereabouts. “You haven’t seen her?” His brows lift. “Must’ve gotten caught up in the library. Said she was going to stop by there before your meeting.”

Kuroo does an excellent job of hiding his confusion. Meeting? Is that what you’ve been disguising your all-nighters with him as to your colleagues?

That means you feel there’s a reason to keep it a secret.

Or is he reading too far into it?

Nonetheless, he strides towards the library, irked to find most of the lights off and it utterly silent inside. He checks the table area first, then peruses the shelf, peeking down each to see if you’re actually in here. It’s likely you already left and are now waiting for him in the lab in the time since he’s begun looking for you.

He finds you in one of the farthest corners of the library and it isn’t until he approaches you does he realize the situation he’s just put the two of you in.

Alone.

In the dark library.

You’re sat deep into an armchair, legs curled up underneath you, head resting on your hand while you flip through the pages of a book sitting in your lap. You look so picturesque he can’t help but stare for a few seconds before clearing his throat to alert you to his presence.

He scares the absolute shit out of you.

Leaping out of the chair, the book clattering to the floor, you shout, “Holy fu—Dr. Kuroo! You can’t just do that!” Then you blink, like your brain is catching up to you, then you frantically check your watch and outwardly groan. “I knew I should have set an alarm. Sorry, just lost track of time back here.” Smirking softly, he takes a step forward, bending to pick up the book sprawled on the floor. He hands it to you, your fingertips brushing his, a jolt of lightning spearing through you at the contact.

Every sense of yours is filled with his presence, your head clouded with thoughts of what if you just…closed that gap. What would happen if you took just one step forward? Would he let you run your hands over his chest, snaking around his neck to tangle into his dark hair? What would it feel like to press your body against his?

Holy hell—you need to get out of here.

It’s then that you realize you’ve been staring at him.

And that he’s holding your gaze, his golden eyes locked onto yours. The air is so charged you feel like your entire body is buzzing, urging you to indulge in the thoughts swirling in your head. You open your mouth to break the silence, grasping at any sense of logic you have left to end this dangerously tempting situation.

Kuroo’s last strand of self-control splintered the moment he caught you staring at him so intently. The same thoughts weaving through his head as yours, the fantasy he’s had for months now of holding you against him, his lips pressed to yours, is so tantalizingly close he can barely stand it.

So, he comes to decision. Before this opportunity eludes him, he has to act now. He watches as your mouth opens, your better judgement clearly still intact, and before you can get a word out, he leans down to kiss you. His hands finding their way to your waist, tugging you to him, he’s pleasantly delighted to find you sink into him. Your own hands reaching up to curl into his shirt, soft mouth moving against his own, he almost groans at how you’re reacting to him.

He’s intoxicating, the way his fingers are digging into the skin of your waist, how his tongue slips into your mouth, you can barely keep your feet underneath you. What’s even more exhilarating to you is that he initiated this.

He wanted you too.

The thought makes you a bit dizzy.

When he feels your hands travel from his collar to slip your fingers through his hair, this time he can’t help it, a deep pleased sound escaping him, rumbling through your entire body and sending heat straight to your core. Jesus Christ this man his going to be the absolute death of you.

“Fuck,” he mutters, his hands roam from your waist to cup your ass, using the leverage to press you even closer to him, letting you feel just what exactly you’re doing to him. All he can think is that he wants more, he wants you underneath him, chest heaving, moaning his name and no one else’s. With that on his mind, he splays his fingers out underneath your thighs, intending on lifting your legs around him.

The action turns your brain back on, the gears working hard through the haze clouding your mind, realizing where exactly this is going. Your sense of reason finally coming through, screaming: Stop! What the fuck are you doing?! Instinctively, you shove him away from you.

He blinks in surprise as he stumbles back into the bookshelf, thrown off by your sudden rejection.

Your heart crumbles seeing his hurt expression. It’s no use denying it anymore. You want him. So bad that you were this close to throwing all caution to the wind just now. But you can’t, not under the circumstances. He is your colleague. Your superior. What the hell were you thinking?!

Steeling your resolve, you say quietly, “Kuroo…I—That…that shouldn’t have happened.”

You can’t even look at him, too afraid of what will happen if you do.

He knows you’re lying.

He stares at you for a moment, considering all his options. Truly, he’d like to just gather you up in his arms, assuring you everything will be fine, and kissing your worries away until you melt beneath him again. But he knows that’s crossing the line. Instead, he settles on making his feelings clear. He wants you to know where he stands. He doesn’t want you to think what just happened meant nothing to him. But he’s willing to give you space to put your thoughts together.

“I need you to look at me,” he says.

You bite your lip. “I can’t.” Now your throat feels tight with the effort of keeping tears at bay. Why is it like this? Why did you have to meet him in this way? He says your name like a command, so you ball your fists in determination and raise your watery eyes to meet his.

With such surety and resolve it just about makes you burst into tears, he tells you clearly, “I’m so head over heels for you it’s not even funny.”

He’s right, this isn’t funny. It’s anything but. And he’s making it worse by being so goddamn perfect you want to scream. The universe must really be a bitch for putting you through this, making you fall in love with someone who is so off limits. You can feel your heart wilting within your chest as you plead, “I need to leave.”

He lets you go, despite every instinct telling him not to. He spends the night in the lab alone, barely getting anything done through his ever-present thoughts of you. He tries to remain hopeful, that somehow this will all work out. That on Monday you’ll come to work, and everything will be alright.

Monday morning, he finds out you’ve put in a request to join a separate project.

He doesn’t know what to do with the growing hole forming in his chest.

And neither do you.

~

part two part three part four 

[holdin-out-for-a-hero]

Creep- FFVII Biggs X Reader Ch.6/?

Summary: you get on the bad side of one of Corneo’s men and now you have a target on your back

A/N: sorry it took so long! I hope to post a chapter at least once a week but we’ll see how if works out...

The sound of a revving engine could be heard from behind, as well as a maniacal laughter. It grounded you back into the present reality; a reality where you weren't safe and neither was your team.

You hesitated, taking a deep breath before looking behind. This new threat didn’t look like any typical Shinra troop, for troops were stripped of their identities and forced to wear the same uniforms. But this man was different. He wasn’t wearing one of those ugly helmets or uniforms, and his bike wasn’t typical either. Instead, the man wore his hair in a long mullet with the front slicked back. His outfit still seemed military-grade but personalized. And to top it all off, he rode a vibrant red bike. He held his sword out in front of him, size comparable to cloud’s buster sword. Could be be another soldier?

You stared a second too long, for he met eyes with you and sent a wink. You turned back around and sped up. Please, not another weirdo.

"Who's that?" Jessie asked.

"A SOLDIER," Cloud answered her. You were correct, then.

You pulled out your gun, ready to take out the man's tires and send him flying off the back of his bike just like you did with some of the previous troops. As you turned, though, he sped past you.

"Well, hello!" The man greeted your group, a sickening inflection to his voice.

"Who's this?" Biggs asked.

"Too quick for the eye, you cross him, you die!" The man replied. Oh, he was definitely a weirdo. He turned his head to look back at Cloud, "Now, mind if I cut in?"

He waited just a moment for an answer, and upon not receiving one, answered the question himself.

"Splendid, I've been looking for a new dance partner!"

The man spun his bike backwards and with the swing of his sword sent some sort of long-range attack your way. Whatever projectiles his sword had just formed, they mimicked beams of light. They were surely from whatever materia he had equipped, but you couldn’t tell which one.

Cloud swerved them effortlessly. You and Wedge: not so much. You had slid past one at the last second, and you could feel the white-hot warmth pass so close to your face.

"Private party, huh? That's fine. I'll settle for a race then. Just one."

"You talking to me?" Cloud asked.

"I most certainly am," the man said, his smirk could be heard in his words.

"Then no."

"Ah, so terribly sorry! Your words fail to reach my ears, sluggish and slow as they are!"

Yes, the man was a threat, but it was hard to see him that way since he was so... peculiar. He knew his was around both a motorcycle and a sword, surely he had many fatal tricks up his sleeve, and yet you couldn't help but cringe at everything he had to say. He took a real interest in Cloud, you noticed, probably because he recognized him as another soldier. You hoped Cloud would hurry up and take him out.

"What's this guys deal?" Jessie asked.

"The lady's curiosity has been peaked!" He replied, "My name is Roche, but you can address me by the more accurate appellation: Speed Demon."

"Heard that, huh?"

Roche laughed, "My ears are attuned to the feminine voice!"

You looked over to Jessie, who shared the same expressions as you: shock, discomfort, a little disgust. So he was a creep, too. Great.

"Ewww," slipped out of your mouth before you could stop it. You hoped he didn't hear.

"Ugh, this guy is the worst!" Jessie seemed to agree with you.

Upon hearing that, Roche sent more light projectiles back towards your group, you dodged again, slightly smoother this time. Cloud dodged effortlessly just like before, and sent his own flying attack to the man.

"Yes, this is the contest I've been waiting for!"

Cloud caught up to him, readying the buster sword. Upon seeing this, Roche smiled and readied his own weapon. With one strike, cloud had become the catalyst of their sword fight. Sparks flew as their swords scraped against each other, the clinks of metal deafening.

Then Roche sped up again, creating distance between him and using his long-range light attacks. These ones were only focused on cloud; he couldn't dogde them. Instead, he held up the buster sword as a makeshift shield. The force of the attack made cloud's bike shake as the light splintered off of his blade.

Roche has completely forgotten about you, Wedge, and Biggs. His focus was on Cloud and Cloud alone. Maybe because he was a SOLDIER? You didn’t know for sure. But since he was busy, it meant that meant the three of you were safe from those long range attacks. 

Cloud sped up to meet Roche, sword ready to take him out. A maniacal laughter bubbled from Roche's chest as their swords met again. It must have been the thrill of danger or rush from speed that had him so giddy. Maybe he got off on it or something... But if he was fighting with cloud, he was gambling with his life. You hadn't known the mercenary that long, but he could handle a sword; that was abundantly clear.

You worried for Jessie, though, she was caught in the middle of it all. You hoped she hadn't gotten hurt. If she got hurt on Cloud's watch, you'd tear him a new one. But she was probably fine, she could handle her own. Besides, she had her own sub-machine gun. Wait, why wasn't she helping cloud using her gun?

Wait, why weren't YOU helping cloud and using your gun? Roche was distracted, you could easily speed up and take out his tires or something.

So that's what you did. As you sped towards them, you noticed Roche's demeanor. He was slouched, breathing heavily and holding onto his bike. Maybe cloud didn't need any help after all. You hand didn't let up on the throttle, though.

"You had enough?" Cloud asked.

"Don't be absurd," Roche looked up, flashing a nasty smile, "As if I could ever grow tired of your company." You were beside him now, aiming your gun at his front tire. Before you could shoot, though, he turned to look at you.

"I really hate to do this, but you’re being awfully naughty.” He said, same devious inflection as before.

And then, before you even had a chance to think, he had knocked you off your bike with his sword.

"Y/N!" Jessie yelled.

One second you were in control of the situation, in control of your bike, and the next, you were headed towards the wall. The first part of your body to make impact with the wall was your hip, nerves igniting like fire as the rest of you ungracefully met with the wall.

For a moment, you couldn't process anything. The white-hot pain in your hip and shock of the moment completely shut down your mind. But then you opened your eyes, and you saw the sky again. Those swirling blues, you wished you could look at it forever...

"Y/N!" A voice called, it was Biggs. Wedge had thrown a U-Turn as soon as he saw you get knocked off the bike.

Your awareness came back to your body, mind processing what had just happened. You were thrown off of a motorcycle, and now you lay on the ground. Your hip hurt like hell, and you were sure you had a few scrapes as well. You could feel them burning...

"Y/N!" Biggs jumped off the back of the bike and ran towards you, kneeling down by your side. He glanced up and down your body, looking for any sign of injury. And then he looked into your eyes, “Are you ok?”

The words met your ears, but you couldn’t seem to form a response. That was until you heard more bikes, coming in as backup for Roche. It tore you from your daze, and with your hands you pushed your torso up from the ground. Biggs looked towards the source of the sound, noticing how quickly it was getting louder.

“Im fine,” you said, panicked, “We gotta go!”

He jumped up, lifting you off the ground too, before checking to see if you could stand. Although your hip still hurt, it wasn’t enough to keep you from walking. Once he had established that you were actually ok, he grabbed your wrist and ran for you bike. It was a good couple yards from where you had landed. He lifted it up from the ground, cranking the throttle to see if it still worked. A sigh of relief escaped his lips when it revved to life. He took the front, and you hopped onto the back.

"Hold on," he said before taking off. And you did, you held on for your life. Your hands dug into the fabric of his shirt and your face pressed against his back, breathing in that familiar scent in a futile attempt to calm yourself down. It wasn't helping very much on its own, but the warmth of his body seemed to aid it in calming your breathing.

He sped across the tracks, trying to catch up with the others and avoid those troops. The rush that riding a motorbike once gave you had left, being replaced by dread and fear. How could you have possibly enjoyed this before?

But it was Biggs, he knew what he was doing, you reminded yourself. You trusted him.

Still, you didn't dare look back up.

Eventually you both reached your friends; Cloud had just beat Roche and then quickly took out the troops trailing you and Biggs. And that was the end of the danger, for now at least.

"Y/N, you ok?" Jessie asked, and you turned to look at her for a moment and nodded, which was a mistake, as you immediately got anxious noticing how fast you were going.

The rest of the ride was done so in silence. It didn't take long to get to Jessie's stop. You finally felt the bike slowing down, which you were grateful for, and eventually it came to a full stop. You unlatched from Biggs' back before anyone could see how tightly you held onto him.

He got off of the bike first, turning around to help you up before thoroughly checking for injuries. Jessie and Wedge approached you, too. The mercenary watched the scene from a few feet away, his arms crossed. Wedge kept some distance. Biggs and Jessie, however, didn't seem to take personal space into consideration. You understood they were worried, but you felt suffocated by their gazes and proximity.

"You didn't hit your head, did you?" He asked, taking your face in his hands and turning it to the sides to check for any injury. You swatted his hands away, hoping he didn't see your red face.

"No, Just my hip, but I think it'll be ok."

"Are you sure?" Jessie asked, placing her hand on the uninsured hip to see if it was the one. You stopped her before she touched your other hip.

"Well, I'm standing on it right now, so I think so," you couldn't help the attitude seeping into your tone. You were just in a traumatizing accident, heavily embarrassed because of it, and now being smothered by your friends. Not to mention everything that happened that morning and the day before. The past 48 hours have been hell...

"Watch the 'tude, missy," Jessie said to you, and you had to bite the inside of your cheeks and take a deep breath to keep from snapping. A chuckle escaped Biggs' chest, he must have seen your reaction. His laugh seemed to ease some of the forming tension.

"My mom's got stuff to patch you up," Jessie said, taking you arm into her hands as she looked at your scrapes, "But how are we gonna explain this to her?”

"I tripped?" You suggested.

"That'll work. She might pry, though, so you better get your story straight now."

After you assured them that you were fine and that you could walk, the five of you headed out into the sector 7 business quarters. You really hoped they hadn't noticed your slight limp... it couldn't be too noticeable. After the initial impact of your hip against the concrete wall, the pain died down to a manageable ache. And though you knew it wasn't all that serious, you knew there would be a big, purple bruise there tomorrow.

The business quarters were immaculately clean, with real roads and concrete instead of the dirt grounds of the slums. There was a car in every driveway; a luxury that no one under the plate had, for there weren't even streets to drive them on. The differences between the slums and topside were so astounding that you, biggs, Wedge, and even Cloud had to look around in amazement. Jessie was used to it, though.

Biggs stopped in his tracks to stand in front of a pro-Shinra sign, crossing his arms as he read the words; they were all lies. You stopped by it too, cringing at the propaganda.

"Disgusting," you said quietly, and he hummed in agreement. There was a moments pause as you both glanced closer at the sign, taking in the pictures and their irony. It was a moments pause made much longer because you were both painfully aware of it.

"So... how are you holding up?" He asked, turning back to you.

"What?" You looked up at him.

"Emotionally, I mean. How are you holding up?" You glanced at him for a second, taken aback by the question.

"Well, uhh... I just got thrown off of a motorbike. I have a gang after me. Could be better," you averted your gaze, looking to the street lamp instead, "It's been a hectic 48 hours..."

“Tell me about it.”

“It just feels like its never gonna end.”

"Look," he began, and you looked him in the eyes, "It's a lot right now, I know. But we're gonna get through it together, ok? This will all pass."

Your heartbeat quickened, his kindness was fueling that stupid little crush of yours.

"We better head back to Jessie," you said. So the both of you turned to walk away. Then he took your hand in his own and squeezed. How could he be this kind, this caring? And why was he so dead set on not letting you suffer alone? You had to ask. You took a deep breath. "Why are you putting up with this? With all the trouble I've caused us both recently?"

"Because I-," he stopped himself, and instead chose to rephrase whatever he was about to say, "Because that's what friends do... Let's go, can't keep Jessie waiting."

So the two of you walked towards Jessie's childhood home, hand in hand, like friends do. Just friends. But you wondered what he was about to say just a moment ago...

"Took you two long enough!" She said, hands on her hips. Wedge stood beside her, and Cloud was... leaning on the left side of the house? Was he not invited in? Knowing him, he probably didn’t want to go in, so you didn’t mention it.

As you two approached, Jessie turned around and walked up to the house. She stopped just steps away from the front door. Turning around, she made eye contact with you and Biggs.

"Just remember, my mom thinks me and you are dating," she said to Biggs, before looking back at you, "So none of that sexual tension stuff, ok?"

Your heart skipped a beat when she said that, and you took your hand out of his grasp. "What do you mean?"

"Don't act dumb," she rolled her eyes at you before knocking on the door.

You took a step away from Biggs, crossing your arms and looking in the other direction. His gaze hit the concrete below him, hand rubbing the back of his neck.

“But there’s nothing between us,” Biggs said. Causing Jessie and Wedge to laugh.

“Whatever you say,” Wedge replied.

The front door swung open, revealing Jessie's shocked mother. Her expression changed to a smile as soon as she laid eyes on her daughter. You felt sorry for Jessie, you really did. Because she had to live a double life, lying to her ever-supporting mother who was blissfully unaware of Shinra's sins.

"Jessie, what a surprise!" She said, looking from her daughter to the many other faces on the other side of the doorframe, "And you brought your friends! Here, come inside!"

[horansqueen]

You & Me : chapter 3

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.1k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: who saw that coming? btw im sorry i feel like this chapter sucks. like, really REALLY sucks. so im sorry. thank you for the feedbacks and requests i love them so so much!

Chapter 3 : His chapter

NIALL

The cafe was actually small and intimate, which didn't really surprise me. Olivia has never liked attention on her and the fact that she was now more famous didn't change her personality, I knew it. I sat at a table and grabbed my phone to see if she had messaged me but I quickly looked up when I realized the waitress was standing next to my table.

"Uhm, a french vanilla coffee and a cappuccino, please."

I watched the lady leave and held my breath, now regretting the fact that I ordered for her.  I hadn't been with Olivia for over a year and yet, this old habit naturally came back to me. It was a very bad idea and I didn't know what she'd think of it. In fact, I didn't even know myself what to think of it. Plus, she hated when someone else decided for her. Of course, when we were dating, she thought it was sweet that i always knew what she'd pick but now? Well let's just say that even if it went well the day before when we met for the first time in a year, didn't mean that she had forgotten about me breaking her heart.

I was still lost in my thought when the bell of the door rang but I recognized her smell. That thought made me close my eyes and I groaned low. I knew it was sad and pathetic, and I knew that we weren't in a movie, but it was still the truth. I don't think I would ever get used to that smell, and it was fucking crazy how much I missed it.The truth was, I felt like I knew her by heart, yet it has been so long I had no idea if it was still the case.

"Hey you, still 'dans la lune'?"

I looked up at her and my heart skipped a beat. My heart fucking skipped a beat! I felt it stir in my chest and I hated it as much as I loved it. Without thinking, I got up quickly and sent her a smile as I let my eyes roam on her face. God, I wanted to kiss her.

"Hey petal." I just said, naturally bending down to kiss her cheek, "Haven't heard you talk french in a long time!"

"I talk a lot with my parents these days on skype, that's why."

I felt her hands on my shoulders and slowly, I wrapped my arms around her waist. I was not sure she was okay with it but she didn't back away and I pulled her against me as her arms moved around my neck. When was the last time I had the chance to hold her in my arms like that? I couldn't remember. All I knew was there was no way i'd let an other year pass before it happened again. She finally pulled away and sat in front of me as I sat back too. I opened my lips to talk just when the waitress came to put the coffees in front of us and left. Olivia blinked a few times, looked down at her mug and finally up in my eyes.

"I'm guessing you didn't order yourself two cups of coffee, did you?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.

"I'm sorry." I apologized, shaking my head slightly and looking down. "It's a habit I thought I got rid of but apparently... I didn't."

"Do you do that with your girlfriend too?"

"Fuck no." I let out with a chuckle without thinking. "I mean, you know Heidi, she's a bit of a..."

"Bitch?" she asked, raising her eyebrows before losing her smile. "I mean, god, i'm sorry. I shouldn't have said that."

We remained in silence for a few seconds and I sighed, rubbing my hand on my face. I wanted to tell her I didn't really care what she said about my girlfriend but I didn't dare. I didn't want her to think I didn't care what she said, but at the same time, I didn't really want to say that Heidi and I weren't doing so well. Or maybe it was just me, I was not sure anymore.

"Don't worry, it's all good. I know you two have never been the best of friends." I just let out, trying to get rid of the awkwardness between us.

"That's.. the euphemism of the year." she just replied, raising her eyebrows and focusing on her mug. "She's always loved to show me how close you two were and let me know that you were hers. It used to drive me insane."

She let out a short chuckle but kept staring down at her hands wrapped around her cup.

"I was not hers." I pointed out. It took a few seconds but she finally looked up in my eyes.

"Well, you are now."

Silence again. I frowned slightly, feeling hurt that our coffee date didn't go as planned but at the same time, i couldn't really blame her. She was being on the defensive but the last time we actually saw each other, I broke her heart, so I could understand why.

I wanted to tell her I was not Heidi's. I wanted to tell her that was a still hers and that I probably always would be... that she inspired me a whole album and that each word still hurt like the stab of a knife in my skin every single time i'd sing them... that i would always somehow wait for her. Instead, I stared at her and smiled a bit, trying to think of something clever to say.

"I know it's been hard for our friends, you know, to make sure we would never meet." she let out, taking a sip of her coffee. "I've always felt a bit bad because they were your friends first and therefore, I didn't really have the right to keep then."

"We're not in third grade anymore." I chuckled and shrugged. "My friends, your friends, who cares. They're our friends and you're right, they did an amazing but tough job at keeping us away from each other."

I could remember all the times Julie, Liam, Louis and Harry told me I had made a mistake. When I would do something with them, I could feel how tense it was, probably due to the fact that they saw Olivia cry, but also because they were mad at me for the way I did things. They were right, it was disgusting, and although it sucked that I couldn't find comfort with my friends, I could understand the reasons behind it.

"How about we give them a break?"

Her proposition took me by surprise and my lips parted. Did she just say that we could start hanging out again? Maybe not one on one, like I hoped for, but at least around our friends. I nodded slowly and licked my lips, not wanting to look overjoyed but still happy about all of that.

"I think it'd be nice, really." I pointed out, still nodding. "I think they'll be happy and frankly, me too."

She looked slightly surprised but the left corner of her lips raised and ti did something to me.

"Look, Olivia." I continued, looking down at my hands on the table as I played with my fingers. "The way I broke up with you was horrible." I looked up in her eyes and did everything to make sure I wouldn't reach for her hands. "The reasons why were... disgusting. I've been a bad best friend and an even worse boyfriend."

She had lost her smile and was staring at me in silence as I talked. I saw her tear up but she remained motionless and kept her tears in, making me feel even guiltier.

"I'm so sorry, Olivia." I added, leaning against the table to be slightly closer to her. "I'm so fucking sorry. And you don't have to forgive me, but please know that i'm sorry."

Her eyes roamed on my face and she licked her lips. I stared at the way her tongue moved on her bottom one, suddenly craving her. Not sexually, no, but I craved the intimacy we used to have, how close we used to be. I craved the way we were around each other, the way things  used to be. I craved cuddling her all night, dancing with her in the living room and the way she used to trust me. I craved all of that so bad I felt a hole in my stomach as I stared at her.

By the way she was looking at me, I knew she had a lot of questions to ask but didn't want to make things more awkward between us but the truth was, I wanted to answer all her questions and ask her some that have been stuck in my head, too.

"Okay." she whispered with a short nod. "I hear you."

I didn't expect her to forgive me but I really wanted her to. But things aren't forgiven and forgotten just because someone apologizes. I was going to have to work for it, and I was ready to do it.

"I wish we were best friends like we used to be." I added with a sigh, taking a sip of my coffee. "I thought we'd always be."

Of course, that didn't mean I regretted dating her. In fact, it's on the top of the list of the things I don't regret and never will.

"Me too."

My lips curled when I heard her voice and I was about to answer something when my phone beeped. I held my breath, thinking about ignoring it, but Olivia raised her eyebrows and sent me a very small smile. I apologized again and grabbed my phone to check who it was. I frowned when I realized it was my cousin and noticed a link.

'Did you see that?'

I was suddenly scared of what it was but I clicked on it anyway and a bunch of supposition rushed to my brain as the page loaded. Was someone already aware of the fact that Olivia and I talked again? Were there rumors about us? It had always caused trouble in the past, before we started dating, and I really didn't want it to happen again. I was a bit scared she'd decide not to see me again because of it and I really didn't want that. But what I saw was something that never even crossed my mind. My lips parted, my eyes widened and If I had been alone at home, I would have thrown my phone on the wall. I felt suddenly nauseous and tried to swallow with difficulty. I reached for my wallet and left a bill on the table as I shook my head.

"I need to go. I need fresh air."

"Wait, Niall, what's wrong?"  she asked, getting up too.

I could hear worry in her voice but I couldn't get myself to look at her. I turned around and reached the door, pushing on it quickly and diving my hands in my pockets as I walked quickly. She was following me, I heard her call my names a few times and could sense her presence but for the very first time since I saw her again, I didn't want to be around her. I wanted her as far away as possible.

"Niall! Please tell me what's wrong!"

I stopped dead in my track, my back still facing her, and moved my head slightly down. I brought my fingers to my eyes and rubbed them quickly as a bunch of feelings invaded me and made my whole body throb. She was close and she was getting closer. I could feel her body through a reaching distance behind me but I couldn't turn around.

"Niall, please..."

It's only when I felt her hand on my back that something inside me seemed to burst. I turned around to face her and despite the rage and pain inside me, I still took the time to look at her. Her lips were slightly parted and all I could think about was that I would never kiss them again. Never.

I searched through my pockets to grab my phone and moved it close to her face. I saw her expression change from confused to guilty and she licked her lips again, looking down.

"Deo sent me that!" I explained with a frown, trying to look more angry than hurt. "When the fuck were you going to tell me?"

"I thought you knew, Niall!" she argued, shaking her head a bit. "We met at the bakery yesterday!"

"I thought it was Julie! I thought she and Liam were..." I shook my head and swallowed hardly again. "You're getting married, Olivia! Why didn't anyone tell me before?"

The article Deo sent me could have been fake, but I knew as soon as her face changed that it was real. I was losing her, I was losing her forever. I felt my heart drop down in my stomach and turned around to run to an alley and leaned against the wall, bending down slightly. I felt like I was going to vomit and I closed my eyes, feeling suddenly dizzy.

"Why are you taking it so hard?" she asked in a soft tone, making me realize that she had followed me. "I don't get it, Niall. You broke up with me over a year ago, why does it matter if i'm getting married?"

I breathed in deeply, biting my bottom lip hard to make sure I didn't tell her it was me she was supposed to marry. Instead, I stood up again and turned to her, trying to stop the tears coming to my eyes. It was not happening. I was stuck in a nightmare, for sure.

"What about us, Olivia mm?"

She shook her head but took an other step closer.

"There's no us anymore, Niall, remember?" she pointed out a bit harshly. "You broke my heart! And then you started dating Heidi! Out of anyone you could have dated, you dated her! You left me and then started dating her! She't the one sleeping with you at night, and cuddling on the couch with you, and she's the one you..."

She stopped herself and closed her eyes, trying to calm the anger inside of her. We were both in pain standing in front of each other, not knowing how to get past this.

"I can't believe you're with her, she's so... she's such a..."

"A bitch?" I asked meanly, raising my eyebrows. "Yea well let me tell you something. After I broke up with you I couldn't find comfort anywhere. My own friends were mad at me for what I did. Louis literally told me to fuck off, Harry took days to answer a text message and Liam completely disappeared. I knew they were taking care of you, and I understood you were the one who needed comfort but what about me, mm? I was alone and sad and all i did all day was write, sleep and cry. And Heidi was the only one who was there for me. She picked me up and shook me enough to bring me back on my feet."

"You wouldn't have needed it if you hadn't broken my heart!"

"Well I did, Olivia! I broke your heart! And I hate myself for it!" I repeated a little louder. "But Heidi was there for me! It was not planned, I didn't even want to date her before that, I never really saw her like that. But she was the only one I could count on and clearly, she still is."

She kept quiet and stared at me until I felt a tear run down my cheek. I quickly wiped it off and sniffed, hoping she hadn't seen it. We hadn't even been back in each other's life for 24 hours and it was already a mess. She took a few steps closer and stood so close to me I could feel the warmth of her body emanating against mine. She brought one of her hands up and let one of her fingertips brush on the front of my shirt, from the top to the bottom. I held my breath at her soft touch and she finally tilted her head and looked up in my eyes. She was always affectionate and I knew it didn't mean anything but I couldn't explain how good it felt to have her so close to me.

"You can count on me, Niall." she just whispered. "I'm sorry I said that about your girlfriend. If she makes you happy then i'll respect her."

I looked at her features better since she was so close to me and my lips parted. Without thinking, I brought my hands to her face and cupped her cheeks. I felt her hold her breath at her turn and stared at her for a few seconds. The thought of kissing her was obsessing me and thinking I was so close to do it made my heart jump in my chest. I finally just licked my lip and ran my thumbs on her cheekbones.

"Thank you." I whispered before taking my hands away and letting my arms fall on each side of me. "I know it'll probably take time for you to trust me but, you can count on me too."

She simply nodded and sighed, looking away and taking a step back.

"Look, i'm sorry I didn't tell you I was getting married." she said, making my heart twist in my chest. I knew i'd feel like that every single time i'd hear about this marriage and it was killing me. "I hate lies, I don't want us to hide things from each other I mean, we didn't before, there's no reason we do now, what do you say?"

She moved her hand up in a fist between us with only her pinky out and I glanced down before looking back up in her eyes. That simple gesture made me smile and reminded me of the way we used to be together, when we were still best friend.

"Deal?" she added, raising her eyebrows.

"Deal." I just said, intertwining my little finger with hers.

The problem was, I couldn't tell her that I still loved her. I couldn't tell her that I still wanted to be with her, that I still thought we were meant to be, that she still was the love of my life. It was not lying though, right?

We let go our each other's finger and smiled. She chuckled a bit and tilted her head as I shrugged. I wanted to spend time with her, I wanted us to be as close as we used to be, but I knew it would take time and effort and I was willing to give all of me to get her back.

"We could go to the movies tomorrow? What do you say?" It was a long shot but it was still worth a try. I knew she wouldn't be keen in spending time alone with me, at least not for now.

"Oh, I can't tomorrow afternoon, I've got my first radio interview." she explained, raising her nose up in a grimace. "I'm so fucking nervous."

"It'll go super well, you're a natural." I pointed out, making her laugh. "I'm serious!"

"You know that's not true! I don't only trip over my own feet, and I do the same while I talk."

I reached to squeeze her upper arm and smiled again.

"Just think about your words first and you'll do fine."

She nodded and we started walking back to our cars. I pushed my hands in my pockets to make sure I wouldn't reach for hers and we walked very slowly in silence for a while. All I could think about was that she was going to get married and it was not to me. Someone else was going to be her husband and she would vow him her love for the rest of her life. It was a fucking big step and I didn't know how I was going to get her back after this news. If she was ready to marry him, what they had must have been strong, but was it strong than what we had? I glanced at her and noticed she was looking down and a smile wasn't gracing her lips anymore. I would give anything to be in her head and find out how she felt.

"Maybe we could do something tomorrow night? A pub, maybe? With everyone else?"

She looked up in my eyes and just nodded, sending me a small smile.

"Alright, i'll text you." I just said.

It took her half a second to end up in my arms and I held her against my body, feeling suddenly nervous but also at peace. I never thought I could feel both at the same time. She held me tight and I did the same before burring my face in her hair, the vanilla and honey scent invading me again. How was I going to get her back now? Should I just give up?

She pulled away and we said goodbye as my heart was thumping hard against my rib cage. I watched her drive off and walked back to my car quickly, feelings tears reaching my eyes. Now that I was alone, the pain was more intense and I felt flooded with emotions. I didn't want to give up. Who gives up on the love of their life?

I sat in my car and started crying. I didn't even take the time to wipe my tears. I just sobbed like a fucking idiot in my car, hitting the wheel once and then a few more times harder. How would I be able to handle that? How would I be able to accept that she was marrying an other man? I should have messaged her before, I should have begged her to take me back, I should have ran after her on that stupid rainy night.

I tried to calm myself on the drive home and when I parked in front of my house, I noticed Heidi's car was there. We didn't live together, I never really felt ready to live with her but she was often at my place and had the keys, too. I took a few more minutes to cool down and looked at myself in the rear view mirror to see if it showed that I cried. I breathed in deeply before getting out of my car and walking inside. She was doing aerobics in the living room and she glanced at me as I walked in, flashing me a smile.

"Hey babe, where were you?"

I threw my keys on the coffee table and walked to the kitchen, grabbing two bottles of water and bringing her one. She put her video on pause and turned to me, thanking me and taking a long sip. She panted again for a few seconds and finally raised her eyebrows.

"Oh I was just out." I shrugged.

I didn't want to have this discussion with her and although I knew i'd have to tell her soon, I was not sure how she was going to react. She never liked Olivia but it may have been only because she knew something was happening between us. She couldn't be aware that I still had feelings for Liv, right?

"You okay?" she asked with a frown, taking me out of my daydream.

I nodded and quickly wrapped my arms around her, pulling her closer to me. She chuckled but hugged me back as I leaned my chin on her head. The truth was, I was really thankful to Heidi for being there for me. I couldn't remember when we started holding hands in public and why, or why exactly we started dating because I was not even sure I had these kinds of feelings for her, but I owed her a lot. She was not different than the other girls for me, though : I knew I wouldn't spend my life with her. There was only one girl I wanted to spend my life with and at some point, I would have to break things up with Heidi, whether things worked out with Olivia or not. It was not fair to keep her around, I knew it, and being so close to Liv today made this even clearer in my mind. The only one I wanted was Olivia, and it didn't matter that she was going to marry someone else. I was still going to do everything I could to show her how sorry I was, and now much I still loved her.

[lovelybrittxo]

where do I even start?

I’m literally only writing this for myself since typing a whole novel out on the computer is way easier than writing this in a physical journal which is what I normally do. I come to Tumblr though when I have way too much to say and don't know how to say it. I just need to get it off my chest before I blow up. so here it goes...

shall we start at the beginning? I grew up in a decently religious household. my mom, sister and I went to church almost every Sunday with all our aunts and uncles. don't get me wrong, I still believe in God and whatnot and I wouldn't change my upbringing in the church for anything. but it may have suppressed my views on the world. something my aunt said to me a few years ago has stuck to brain ever since and I can't seem to shake it. she told me that she actually believes that being gay is a sin and that you can love the sinner but not the sin. so like, she believes if you're gay, you can be gay but don't act upon it/the sin. she believes, for example, that being trans is a mental illness. like, I just can't wrap my head around that. and honestly, she spoke with so much conviction and “sense” that she actually had me fooled to think the same way for a hot second. and then to learn that my other “cool” aunt also believes this... kinda sad. both of those aunts have literally talked down upon family (and our family is very tight knit) and people they love... what would they do if they ever found out about me?

ive felt a lot of feelings ever since I was young. mostly towards males... but also towards females. I just thought the female part was me wanting to be like them or be their friend and just have them like me and accept me as a chill person to be around. but fast forward to a couple years ago. I was bombarded (in a good way) by social media flaunting (in a good way lol) different sexualities and things. its hard to describe but that “world” was just becoming more prominent to me I guess.

I started to try and put my religious upbringing in the background so I could focus on trying to figure out who I really was. ive been doing this for at least a couple years now. and although im still trying to really figure it out, right now half way through 2020, I think im getting closer to an answer. and guess what has helped me the most? tiktok lmao! no but for real, the internet is an amazing place for discovery in any form. after I started to get into real communities online (like kpop and penpaling) i’ve never felt more connected to the internet and it allowed me to try and find real personal help... if that makes any sense. i’ve just tried to put myself out there and not just google my feelings but piece together a map from asking real people over the Internet here and there to try and figure out who I am.

sometime last year (or maybe earlier) I found a YouTube video of a popular creator retelling her coming out story. I just randomly commented on the video about how I had been feeling, not to get a reply but just to comment. but then I actually got a real reply (not from the creator but still a nice person). they said something along the lines of me basically being bicurious. I had never in my life heard of such a word and I had thought that this person was just making it up. one google search later I found out it was a real thing. although at the time of first looking it up I was still very confused about the word... still kinda am? lol. however, just a couple weeks ago I had seen a post somewhere (an ad I think selling pride flags) saying there was an official bicurious flag. I was in shock. I thought it was a scam, but its not, it’s real (I just don't think it’s talked about very often cause it doesn't seem like a solid sexuality that you can claim your entire life). but anyway.

now what i’m gonna say next I don't want to come off in the wrong way (you nonexistent person reading this lol), but I feel like dating a trans person brought me into that “world” a bit more. like, i had literally never met anyone who was trans before him or anyone who was gay or used a they/them pronoun... never. but in his world, all of that was common and normal. and this is where I don't want to come off wrongly... I don't wanna make it seem like because I dated a trans person i’m qualified to be included in the LGBT community now or to talk about LGBT stuff or whatever. I just think because I dated him, it opened up my shallow world a bit. especially because he’s open about it (on a side note I always loved looking at his huge trans flag above his bed. that was the first flag I had really ever memorized because of him. besides the rainbow one obviously lol). like, his best friend uses they/them pronouns, and although i’ve always been aware of that, i’ve only ever seen things about it through YouTube videos and whatnot. I had never had to actually use those pronouns for anyone I knew in real life until I met his best friend. like, everything I knew about that “world” had only been through online researching/consuming. i’d never experienced it in real life before.

I remember one night we talked about it a little. I knew he was bisexual and so I asked him if he’d ever dated a guy. he asked me if I would ever date a girl and i just said that I had always thought about it and that my tinder profile was set to find both genders. then we talked about pride since it was at the beginning of quarantine and we didn't know if parades were still gonna happen or not yet. he said I could always go as an ally because I told him I felt ashamed and like I shouldn't be allowed to attend a pride parade. (of course he reassured me I can go and he wasn't shocked about me liking both genders at all...he just said ‘nice’ lol)

I still have a little inkling in the back of my mind that I still shouldn't be able to attend though. honestly because I don't know what I would be attending as. I feel like an imposter. I don't want people thinking that im doing all this for attention or just because I dated one person in the LGBT community. i’ve been struggling with this for so long... but it just so happens that now at 27 years old im coming to terms with who I am. I just feel like because I didn't figure it out earlier that I’m not “worthy” of being included. I feel like such an outsider because no one’s “invited” me in yet lol because im still trying to figure it out.

and on the same note, I don't feel like i’m worthy because I still really don't have a solid answer. at the moment I just use bicurious because ive never dated a girl before. the trans guy ive been talking about has been the only person i’ve ever been romantically involved with. im serious. I made it 26 years without being with anyone in any type of way. I feel like I don't have the right to call myself bisexual. however, I feel a tiny bit more confident in using that label maybe after I do end up dating a girl in the future and not feel guilty about using it because that same guy calls himself bisexual but told me right out one day that he’s way more attracted to girls than guys and im in the same situation but opposite. the only difference at this point in time is that he’s dated both and I haven't. but thennnn on the other hand, do I even need to label myself at all right now??

even if I did wanna come out, I don't wanna do it until I really have a solid answer about my identity. i just feel like such a fraud or something because im trying to figure it out so late. and like, im going so over the top with my support this year because I feel like I should fit in and maybe im trying too hard? again, I just don't want people thinking its because I dated one trans guy and all of a sudden im huge into the LGBT community. it’s not like that. all of this is just helping me bring out my true self. ugh this is the part where it gets confusing to put into words. i’m aware and I have pure intentions. im just trying to figure out myself after a long time of trying to figure out myself lol

some days the research is overwhelming. there's so many facts and opinions and different people’s stories and labels. as crazy as it sounds I just want someone who’s been gay their whole life to come up and tell me “yup, your bisexual no doubt” lol or something like that. I guess I just want to be validated in my exploration. and i’ve seen random tiktok comments saying stuff like that, that validates me, but the difference is that their comments aren’t directed specifically to me. they don't know me personally. it’s hard to have a random social media comment resonate with me. honestly, and this may sound selfish and not right, but when I was talking to the guy I was seeing, I almost wish he just told me straight out what I was that day. but instead he said I could go to Pride as an ally. and that was probably just him being respectful and not forcing me to be anything, but it almost had the opposite effect on me. by saying I was an ally it felt like he was giving me that permanent label even after telling him I like guys and girls.... ya know?

something recently happened to me that really stuck with me and I was so happy. I have a penpal who is very southern Texas raised religious. she knows the Bible better than I do. I had posted a Pride doodle I did on my Instagram at the beginning of this month and she was the only one who personally responded with an encouraging and supportive dm. if she can support whole heartedly the LGBT community and still love God, then why can't I?? and that's when I trulyyyy knew that I was right and my aunt’s were wrong and I wasn't going insane lol

I wanted to buy a bicurious or pride flag recently. but then was torn when I saw the ally flag (which I also didn't know existed until recently) and the bisexual flag. I know they're just flags but it feels so solid?? like you buy one when you know what you are.... and I don't yet. so I ended up not buying one at all :/

again, there was no purpose to this post because I know no one is going to read it but I just had to type it out into the world so I didn't have to bottle it up anymore.

[he-tea-lia]

you guys are the pnly place i feel comfy simping and i only feel comfy simping also when i am drunk. sry if im annoying and sry for typos. i wish alice were real i really wanna hug eher right now. *hugs* alice pls if u r out ther ei love you i wanna hug you. i wanna hug her. i wanna hug. there is a girl i like who i went on two dates with like sometime in 2019 and then i ghosted her out of fear that she didn’t like me and also my phone broke so i lost her number 1/?

but apparently her mom talked to my mom (they r friends that’s how we met) and she still likes me but the last time we talked was last year when i was in hs and now i am in college (still local tho) and shej is a senior in hs and legal (18) but idk it might still be awkward. not to sex no just to go on a date agian and maybe kiss. ive never kissed before and i really wanna do that. maybe also sex evenetually but not now that would be too fast i think. she does cosplay apparently 2/?

( id id not know this it never came up in coversation)and maybe if i ask her to cosplay alice? she reminds me a lot of alice but she is real and has short hair that is dyed a rly cute pink. she is a bit more bubbly (which is ok with me i like that) and also not english. i like her personality and her looks a lot she is rly sweet and i wanna hug her and maybe we could cosplay alice and sakura thogether? is it bad that i compair her to my waifu? would i be cheating on alice if i went on 3/?

another date with her? would she be offended my comparing her to alice? she is real and real girls have many different parts of their personality but she looks so much like alice i wanna kiss hert. we also have many ofthe same politcs which is also good. she used to wear contacts but now she wears glasses and they look like alice’s glasses asdfghjkl. she is not even that big into hetalia but she said she watched the last two seasons and thought it was funny. i feel bad for comparing her 4/?

i like her evn if she didnt look like alice but the fact that she does makes me like her more. does that make me a bad person? should i tell her that or just never mention it ever because it could make things awkward. she is more normie than me (i like this about her) and find my sperging to be cute ( she said so on our second date evn though i talked through the movie i made her laugh a bunch). i am not good with talking about feelings

and am actually very shy but i feel comfy around her enough to talk and i think i can flirt but all my flirting is learned from media like anbime and manga and books and fic and doujinshi. still, since it has been over a year since we last talked and trying to reconnect could be awkward? i am not good at being the first to text or texting back. this is an issue also in my rps and i lie and say i have a busy work schedule (i do not) when i accidentally ghost an rp partner. sad. many such cases. lol 

basically can anyone give me advice on if i should ask my mom to ask her mom for her number again (///-_-/// embarrasing yes i am an adult who relies on my momn for everything (including getting dates apparently). pls no judgement) and if i should ask her out? how do we even have a date with coronachan? how long should i wait until i bring up cosplaying my waifu? should i never bring it up? am i bad for comparing her to alice? pls help idk how to feel my mom told me today that her mom said that she mentioned me

and wanted to know how i was doing i am doing good just rly sad an in love with a body pillow that is still in the mail. if i date a real girl does this fix my lonelyness? if corona is gone and the cons open next year maybe we could go to a con? is a con date a good idea or really stupid (not counting corona just like in general without corona)? 

——

okay. there’s a lot to discuss here and it’s past midnight and i’m quite tired but i’ll see what i can do.

first: i don’t know what the age difference between you is, but if you can legally drink and she can’t, i feel like there’s a bit of an imbalance there? not because of the drinking itself; more because it marks you as legally more adult than her, if that makes sense.

second: you are not a bad person for liking someone who reminds you of a fictional character. however, i think it’s important to remember this girl and alice are not one and the same, and you’d need to be very aware of that were you to date. i can’t say either way whether she’d be offended at the comparison, but from what you’ve said, i think you’d have to be quite careful to remind both her and you that it’s her you’re dating and that you like her for her, not for how she reminds you of alice. as to whether you tell her or not really depends on both her and you – i don’t know her at all, so i can’t say whether she’d be flattered or not. maybe if you framed it in the context of her reminding you of a character you love rather than alice herself? god i don’t know haha

trying to reconnect could be awkward, yes. that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do it, though – awkwardness isn’t necessarily a sign of a mistake, especially if you haven’t spoken for a while. having said that, though, maybe take it slow – don’t necessarily jump straight into another date, perhaps just text or something and see how that goes.

re: cosplaying – i mean. that isn’t something you want to bring up straight away. i think you’d need to be in a pretty steady relationship for that, though i don’t know.

for dates – maybe a zoom/discord/skype/whatever video call? it’s not remotely the same as seeing someone irl but it’s a kind of temporary solution, i guess. for dates once rona fucks off, i mean – once again, it’s really up to both you and her. if you both want to go to a con, then sure, do a con date! it’s only a bad idea if one of you isn’t into the idea.

i think i’ve covered everything – or at least the most important parts – so tl;dr eeeehhhh maybe?