#shut up i don't care what you say.
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Nearing the end of my HL replay and I just gotta say Anne and I are a different breed. If my brother was adamantly searching high and low in crumbling ruins, reading ancient texts, casting Crucio on his besties, and still making house calls while I was cursed and basically dying I would maybe not be such a huge wimp about it
#mind you I'm seeing both sides of things as I type this#I simply Can Not Fathom her outlook on his actions but I also ignore red flags like it's my job#but is being a caring brother a red flag ??? no no decidedly not#don't come for me over this I think Anne is a complex character with her own trauma and what not but we don't get to SEE any of that really#I just get a front row seat to watching her side with her crusty uncle over her (big?) brother#like it's 1890 he won't get caught he just has to be gone after the crime is committed. shut your conscience up and say thanks#I need to lay off the wine my mind wanders too much when I drink and play video games#hogwarts legacy#sebastian sallow#anne sallow#a.txt
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One of the best Voyager scenes to indicate Tuvok & Neelix's dynamic and how I think Tuvok is just as if not more 'annoying'(positive) than Neelix is when Neelix pours Tuvok a fresh squeezed glass of a fruit juice blend and Tuvok's like (paraphrased) "I don't want to drink this." and Neelix is like "Can you please try it?" and Tuvok's like "I don't want to, you're really bad at this sort of thing. It's going to taste bad." and Neelix says that Ensign XYZ said she LOVED it, she even had a second glass! And Tuvok says Ensign XYZ could drink poison without a second thought and Neelix is like "Tuvok could you please just TRY it? Just try a little SIP of it PLEASE??" and Tuvok sighs and rolls his eyes and sniffs it before taking a sip and it turns out he loves it. Turns out it tasted good actually. And then after all that Neelix tries to talk to him over eggs (which he's again cooking fresh for him) and Tuvok tells him he doesn't wanna hear "the life history of his breakfast." Absolutely insufferable this man I would have burned his eggs on PURPOSE!!!!
#I love Neelix so much and I think he and Tuvok are very funny together - irritating4irritating#People say 'Neelix is so pushy with Tuvok!' and you know what? I think Tuvok can handle it. I think maybe he does need to be pushed -#down a flight of stairs. (he's my favorite character and he's so annoying...TUVOK!!!!!)#Tuvok: -kicking and screaming- I don't want to drink the juice!!! It's poison!!! You're trying to poison me!!!!!!!!!#Neelix: Can you please drink the juice. The fresh squeezed juice I made for you Mr. Vulcan??? Can you please???#Tuvok: Fine but if I die it's your fault. If I die from the poison you're FORCING me to drink it's on y- Oh this is delicious actually.#and don't tell me 'Neelix didn't make it SPECIFICALLY for Tuvok' bc I know he didn't but he says#'I'll start squeezing that second glass!' after Tuvok finishes his sip so he IS freshly squeezing it#Neelix: -makes Tuvok fresh squeezed juice-#Tuvok: Are you trying to poison me???#Neelix: -talks to Tuvok while making his eggs-#Tuvok: Can you be quiet???#<- TUVOK!!!!!!!! I'M GONNA KILL YOU EHHEHEHEH <3#Tuvok is the most annoying guy ever bc he doesn't care about what people think and is a snob with a lowkey superiority complex#vs Neelix is perceived as annoying (post his relationship with Kes) bc he cares a lot about being useful and helping the crew and sometimes#is too pushy because of that but listen...I think Neelix is sweet and genuinely trying his best - after the Kes plotline with him ends I#really don't find him objectionable. Just chatty & a bit overbearing maybe Meanwhile Tuvok !!!#Meanwhile Tuvok!!!!!!!!! HHEHEHHE#st voyager#star trek voyager#I think they should have done more with Neelix thinking the crew of Voyager were spoiled - specifically how Tuvok acts Like That sometimes#little lord Tuvok. oH SORRY...for DEIGNING to speak while preparing your eggs your HIGHNESS!!#I think people do a disservice to Tuvok by not talking more about how he's kind of a hardass and a snob v_v also a disservice to Janeway#indirectly bc her bestie is kind of a hardass and a snob and what does that say about her??#I also wish Neelix kept up a bit of that 'these people are crazy and also so soft oh my god shut up about the food being bad - we're trying#to SURVIVE!!! Eat the Leola Root!!' from the earlier seasons...I like when he shows he has a bit of bite#It's just funny and interesting that Janeway isn't friends with Tuvok bc he's 'not like other Vulcans' - she's friends with the most#Vulcany Vulcan ever and I love that for them.#CRIMINAL that we don't ever get any in-depth insight into their friendship#Tuvok
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pretty sure i’ve seen romance movies with scenes like this
#tomgreg#where do i even start with t his horseshit okay here we fucking go.#so tom's first instinct is to go to greg when he's on shaky ground with shiv. the only way he feels safe is to have GREG with him.#who tf would want greg as an attack dog??!?!? lets be fucking real. when he says that i think he means just a dog. just someone loyal.#who loves him and won't dick him around. i think he's pretty tired of it by now.#he wants an alliance with like. ok in this show who would you pick to ally with. i love greg but he's abso useless in terms of skills that#would keep you safe. if anything TOM would keep HIM safe. in fact tom himself says who else has taken care of you. literally spells it out.#he even says greg is a joke; will fail; will fuck up; so what use does he have for tom other than companionship. other than love?#a dog might do tricks for you but your main reason for getting one is usually love. right? at least it should be. it would be in tom's case.#and don't even fucking get me STARTED on ''do you wanna come with me? ...sporus?" like girl.#you know what you told him about nero and sporus right. and now you're saying to him; yeah i was talking about you.#you and me. you're my favourite and i wasn't joking when i said i'd marry you.#the whole while tom is asking greg to be his attack dog his fuckin. eyes and expression we get it you're in love with him. like it's ridic.#and all this coming with phrasing it sounds like they're fucking ELOPING. I HATE IT!!!!!! SHUT UP! stop saying that fucking shit god. god#they are so annoying. anyway#the way tom's voice breaks as he says he has things to do [what things. will i find out later.] and the deal and!!#what am i gonna do with a soul anyways... i have you what do i need it for. and as that paragraph said somewhere. he castrates his soul.#then they giggle and are fucking annoying and greg'S HANDS LOOK LIK EHE'S ABOUT TO IDK. HUG TOM? AROUND THE MIDDLE MAYBE#or do something else. and then they just hug instead and i fucking. ugh. i've had enough tbh good fucking bye
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(( Hihi it’s me, the person who gave the “nicest threat” returns, just wanna say rq that everytime i come back to tumblr, this is one of the first things I check and EVERYTIME I DO, I KEEP GETTING JUMPSCARED BY MUCH HAPPENED SINCE I LEFT- Anyways You are amaaaaazing yes ik i already said that but that’s bc it’s true <3
Anyways I’ll actually interact with the winners for once ))
-[ Heeeellloo hello hello! Social anxiety is consuming me once again but nevertheless, y’all can call mee… *pulls out a list..* Nate. Y’all can call me Nate- cause this is my first time talkin to y’all but I have been observing for a while,,,
and FOR THE NEW GUEST BAD MAD SAD BOY JIMMY SOLIDARITYGAMING! our favourite canary, ima send him two whole packet of marshmallows, feel free to share them with everyone else! Or gatekeep it for yourself, up to you.. ima riot if the two observing steal them- aND also ima give Scott & Grian a bunch of plants/flowers bc i can, Pearl.. have a book & a pencil case full of stationeries And for martyn.. *gives him a note that reads* “you get nothing <3” *immediately after, another note drops* “ jk have these, choose your favourite! Share if you want but knowing you, you probably won’t “ proceeding to drop him a bunch of hair clips of different variants
Turning over to the two observers, don’t think I forgot about you even though I just mentioned you guys literally a paragraph ago.. Scar you can have my keychain collection, you seem like the typa guy to like keychains idk why, Scott you don’t get shit cause respectfully.. fuck you <3 ]
(( WOW THATS LONG! Sorry not sorry for that <3 but I am sorry if it’s difficult to read,, Im very tired rn & my brain is not braining! ))
(Aw thank you so much!!!! :D)
LimL!Jimmy: Marshmallows?!?! ✨✨
Scott:... Well that was an emotional 180, It's giving me quite a bit of whiplash... Also thank you for the flowers they are quite nice.
~~~~~~~
Grian: Plants? hmmmmm, we can use these on the base don't you think? Maybe if we put them over there or... Maybe up next to the lighthouse? We could make a garden somewhe-... Are you even listening?
Pearl: Oh, yeah sure.
Grian: What was I saying then?
Pearl:... Something...something...plants...?
Grian:....
~~~~~~~~
Martyn:... I am going to share them just to spite you because screw you.
#asks#trafficblr#traffic series#grian#scott smajor#pearlescentmoon#martyn inthelittlewood#author answers#Ohhh keychains!!#/You are like a puppy... It's just a keychain why-/#Shut up you are mad they didn't give you anything#/Ah! As if I care/#/I don't need their garbage/#That's what someone jealous would say
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I'm starting to get a headache every time I see spyxfamily mentioned online (particularly on Instagram) because of the amount of people I've seen on the internet comparing buddy daddies to spyxfamily or shitting on buddy daddies because they like spyxfamily better, or saying buddy daddies is a poor copy of spyxfamily or shitting on Miri cause they like Anya better, whatever the fuck it is - I'm starting to get a pavlovian reaction y'all. I haven't even watched spyxfamily - and I'm sure it's a wonderful show - but I'm starting to get a kneejerk reaction of pure annoyance everytime I see it mentioned because I'm expecting more hate. I never even go on spyxfamily posts, i'm just trying to have fun and watch videos and edits of my fun little assassin family. Why do you need to compare them?? Both shows are awesome and they have different vibes. Miri and Anya are their own characters, not copies of each other. And if you like spyxfamily better, that's so valid, but keep that to the proper fandom spaces. Complain about buddy daddies all you want, just not in the comments section of buddy daddies videos. It's like basic fandom etiquette.
#why can't we just enjoy both shows i don't get it#do these people somehow feel threatened by buddy daddies?#miri and anya are besties i don't care what y'all say#but you haven't even watched spyxfamily you protest no shut up i don't care they're bffs i have decided#spyxfamily#buddy daddies#unasaka miri#anya spy x family
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[pericky; a look into ricky's head during their meeting.]
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"I'm glad you came, I wasn't sure you would." The wine pours, the sound of it drowning out the missing word in that sentence: back.
Of course, is the response, and the part of Ricky that's spent twenty years tearing itself apart to understand why vibrates with relief. It doesn't matter anymore. Of course, of course, he thinks giddily along with the words. He never needed to wonder why Pericles wasn't coming back in the first place; he was always going to.
I'm happy you invited me, and of course he thinks again. A lifetime of pretending he wasn't always going to either falls away. However harsh and lonely the world has been, all's right with it again; and the shy voice of the boy inside him that he's tried so hard to kill says, so quietly, I missed you.
#sdmi#scooby doo: mystery incorporated#pericky#ricky owens#professor pericles#anyway fucking end me actually. lay me down to die#i said i was gonna write more pericky and by fucking god i did#the 'why did you do this to me' to 'oh thank god you didn't actually do this to me' pipeline of abuse folks 🥲#which like. their last conversation is yet another devastating example of ricky finally standing up to pericles' bullshit Too Late#ricky denounces him in the strongest terms he knows; based on his own feelings and opinions and the way he sees the world#(which: even then he can't bring himself to say 'i don't love you anymore')#(the closest he can get is 'i chose you and i can't take it back; the only way i can imagine not loving you is if i never had at all')#and pericles tries to go 'nyeh nyeh whatever i don't care' (and does a real bad job of pretending he is not obviously hurt lmao)#and ricky doesn't try to understand his logic; he doesn't try to reconcile a world where pericles didn't *really* mean to do anything wrong#his response is MAYBE YOU *SHOULD* CARE.#pericles' view of the world and what's right and acceptable are warped and *wrong* and he's the one who needs to get his shit together#'you shouldn't have abused me you shouldn't have killed cassidy you shouldn't have murdered a child in cold blood'#that is MASSIVE and i think it is really telling that pericles' response is to shut him down with force instead of trying to argue any more#and that in the end is the real true fucking tragedy of it all#ricky is making huge strides one after the other to take back his freedom from pericles emotionally#....and materially it makes no difference to improve his situation in the moment; because pericles doesn't have any less power to abuse him#he never has a triumphant moment where he Overcomes His Abuser and Breaks Out of His Control#there's nothing he can do to fight back until pericles is too Literally Dead to control him anymore#it is one of the rawest depictions of the reality of abuse i've ever seen and just. God. i love it so much#(at the same time i REALLY want to explore a version of events where he got the chance to expand further on that growth)#(the 'all witches are selfish; make all things yours; i have a duty' speech from the wee free men comes to mind)#whosebaby makes things#whosebaby writes#SDMItag#dyn: when i die i want you to die too
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(´･ᴗ･ ` )
#I really like the “We're the bad guys' enemy” line. For someone I generally despise Dazai has all my favourite lines in this show…#Idk I can't really vibe with the unbalance that there is between s/kk.#Like when push comes to shove‚ Dazai has the power to keep Chuuya alive or let him die.#I understand why they make a compelling dynamic in their complexity‚ but it just doesn't do it for me.#I'm a little sad my opinion on them hasn't really changed since I watched the anime for the first time...#Also; I really can't vibe with Chuuya allowing Dazai to kill Q. Yes I know Chuuya cares about his comrades deeply.#Yes I know it can be interpreted as Chuuya seeing himself in Q as a living weapon and being disgusted by it#(though I honestly don't think that was intentional of the author).#Yes I know Chuuya is a mafioso and kills people. No I don't think your personal issues justify you being a dick to other people I'm sorry.#Back to my main annoyance with the episode: I must have already talked about this but I hate hate hate the narrative#“the mafia works for the city” “the mafia deeply loves the city too” it's so so sickening and insulting please stop I'm begging.#Please visit any actual city with a rooted mafia presence for once in your life (signed: someone whose hometown was destroyed by the mafia.#The writers really don't know what they're talking about and‚ politely‚ it's offensive.)#Also b/sd keeping being extremely nationalist with Mori (who's largely depicted unsimphatetically for the first part of the episode)–#bringing up western thinkers and subtly mocking Fukuzawa for not knowing them–#and Fukuzawa (the righteous man. the noble spirit and just soul in this episode and Mori's antithesis)–#stepping forward to say that he knows strategists from the east (because who else would he need?)#I don't know if it's meant to symbolize the conflict with an hostile and invading foreign power (the Guild).#But it does come across as. A very isolationist way of thinking.#I know it's subtle but it's really evident for me. And I didn't want to talk about this any further…#But by bringing actual examples of this I hope I can better explain why I think that b/sd holds nationalist views–#and that I'm not just making it up out of nowhere. Otherwise I fear I'd only come off as pettily hostile to b/sd in everything#That's it. I feel like I've been losing a lot of mutuals over my main recently due to not shutting up (sorry)#so I suppose it's only fair I lose them on here too pffttt.#Tune in next week for more bad takes#random rambles
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My family consistently frames any attempt I make to ask them not to treat me like shit as "negativity" and "creating a horrible atmosphere" so like. Fuck how I feel when they treat me like shit, I guess.
#my mother burned me when she was serving me food at the dinner table and completely ignored me when I reacted with pain#when I said 'you burned me; are you going to say sorry?'#she was all 'I don't know What To Say when you Make Noises because you Never like what I say'#and then my sister left the table when I said 'I think it's clear I was hurt and it would be polite to apologise'#like I'm ruling over them all with an iron fist and hairtrigger tempter and expecting them to walk on eggshells#by *checks notes* expecting an apology for giving me a second degree burn or even acknowledment that I've been hurt#I wouldn't usually even say anything but I'm so sick I don't care to shut up anymore
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I got a new mask. Anyone want to see it?
#if anyone fuckin cares anymore#I'm tired of this shit#I feel so fuckin alone on social media#even though I have 6.650 ‘followers’ here and BARELY get shit until one of my posts gets famous#even then I still get NO asks NO replies NO NOTHIN#follower count doesn't matter on here even though a lot of people think that#how many fuckin of you people need to follow me for my shit to be seen?#Do I need to get 10k? 20k? cause even at 6.6k I don't get fuckin shit like OTHER big Tumblr blogs#who either have the SAME follower count as I do#or even lower than what I have#and they still get shit on their posts#but I'm just here rantin nowadays to the fuckin void cause NOBODY wants to fuckin talk to me or have an actual conversation#you guys only do shit like this when I say somethin bout it or I make a suicidal post#which goes to show how fuckin fake EVERYBODY is when they say they “care for you” and will still be silent when I need help or someone#but whatever#rant in the tags#I need to shut up#shut up G#Not DC#Not DC related#personal#personal post
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Tatiana Maslany as She-Hulk: 1x01 A Normal Amount of Rage
#she-hulk#shehulkedit#tatiana maslany#jennifer walters#marveledit#gifs by rachel#tatiana maslany*#shehulk*#i know it took me a whole week to do this and i still have to do more but i just have been having a rough time#I might make a post even tho no one on here knows me anymore but if you wanna support a gif creator financially I have a ko-fi#it helps#ok shutting up now#also did i make them too green? impossible#but i'm so happy to have tat back on my screen i can't wait to make more gifs once i have time#also i don't care what anyone has to say about this show i am going to love it with all my heart bc my sweet queen princess mom tatiana
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what's crazy to me about this specific, annoying brand of lestat fans that are pestering and harrassing ppl for not liking lestat and calling him evil is that lestat in the books (the ones they never stop referencing despite clearly not comprehending a single thing in them) constantly calls himself evil and the devil and a monster and straight up says that he doesn't deserve to be loved bc of these things. like, why are you getting upset when members of the audience are simply picking up on these things that are objectively true?
#it's like are you a fan of this character or the version of him you made up in your head? bc the latter seems like a much more boring guy#when he's forcibly turning david and david says lestat my friend don't take my life and lestat says you choose your friends badly#and then when david tries put a positive spin on what happened and lestat shuts him down and is like don't do that. what i did was cruelty#and in qotd he calls himself vermin on the face of the earth. like he Knows he's not good for anybody but he doesn't care#or at the very least it doesn't stop him or make him change his behavior#and that's a more interesting character to me than the woobified version these other ppl have made up#amc iwtv#vampterview
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retconning stroud out of the deep roads so i can shove laure amell and the hawke siblings and varric and anders all into the same little camp. they would all have such a bad time
#carver: dying of blight. with an inferiority complex. but mostly dying#danie: MY BROTHER!!! MY BABY BROTJER HELP HIM!!!!!#anders: oh god oh fuck. wait a minute. i recognize this area. isnt this where the commander should be? oh hell#varric: we are all going to 🪦die⚰️ in a 🕳 hole. not even a GOOD hole#warden commander laure amell of ferelden and amaranthine: oh. anders. glad you're not dead or a darkspawn but Why The Fuck Are You Here#anders: oh hell. uh.#warden commander laure amell of ferelden and amaranthine: actually shut up. darkspawn incoming. its too open here so follow me to camp#'uh- commander-' 'shut it. there are shrieks about. this is a nasty area to be in with non-wardens' [glaring disapprovingly]#they awkwardly walk to camp. sigrun and a couple other wardens are there. they all sit down & drop their stuff#amell sits on a stump and pulls out a corked bottle. pops the cork. sniffs it. takes a swig. her white hair almost seems to glow?#she coughs then asks anders 'so why *are* you this far in the deep roads with a band of nonwardens? how'd you even get here?'#anders pulls out the map and hands it over. she looks at it. her expression darkens. she rolls up the map and says 'Anders.' he looks up.#she whaps him on the head with the map and gripes 'do you have ANY idea how long I spent looking for these fucking maps?!' whap 'you dick!'#she whaps him one more time then stuffs the maps into her bag. 'that still doesn't tell me WHY you're here. out with it.'#varric speaks up: 'my asshole brother locked us in a thaig. we came down on an expedition and found an idol that he betrayed us for'#amell frowns. 'a *thaig*? there aren't any records in the shaperate of any out this far. this isn't even a main branch of the deep roads.'#'it could be ancient!' sigrun offers 'or an unsavory secret the shaperate 'lost'. like Caridin?' amell nods & turns back to varric.#'so you're looking for a way out.' they nod. 'and just happened to come by this way?' anders says 'no commander- we need your help.'#amell takes another swig of her bottle. her hair is definitely glowing slightly. 'who *doesn't* these days. but for a pair of old friends-'#she winks at anders. 'what is it you need?' danie interrupts. '-please- my brother is sick- if you can't help him he'll die!'#amell looks at hawke then at carver. gets up and steps over to him. kneels in front of him and unceremoniously grabs his face#tilts his chin up (carotid + jugular blackened) peels his eyelid back (sclera greying and bloodshot) pries open his mouth (tongue greying)#then releases his head and stands shaking her hands. 'oh yeah. that's blight for sure. this is why you sought me out?' anders nods.#'we'll take him. but you know- he may not survive the joining.' 'any chance is better than letting him die!' 'i agree.' amell says coolly.#'youre lucky. we can do it here but the prep will take time. rest. eat. be on your guard. and DO NOT touch my whiskey if you're not a mage.'#it takes like a day of prep. also no one has used amell's name so they havent figured out the Cousins thing yet#eventually amell pulls carver over to the fire and hands him a cup of the joining potion and says 'you get one warning. *don't flinch.*'#he drinks it. he lives. but he's unconscious. amell sends the party on their way#to anders: here. i found this not long after you left. *hands him the phylactery* you and justice be careful. it's getting chaotic out there#to hawke: for what it's worth im sorry. if ever you need the wardens' assistance i grant it under the authority of warden-commander amell
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The other thing abt abt a lot of "dead dove don't eat" or whatever type stuff online is that so much of it feels So cheap and hollow lmao. Like I hope ur having fun with your #problematic #edgy #darkfic #psychological horror or whatever but if it's tired, it's tired. "Darkness" or "edginess" does not inherently create maturity or depth lmao some of u are just the MatPat of horny fanfiction
#you're a white woman writing xreaders about a racist misogynistic fictional serial killer man? should we throw a party?#very 'ooh who's an edgy boy? you are! what an edgy boy you are!' reaction image#open mick night#again like. i don't CARE i block and move on. own it etc. BUT i'm allowed to 'be a hater' and say it doesn't do much for me#(also a lot of the time if ur a white woman writing xreader fanfiction abt textually racist men u should shut up sorry)
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Really feeling that experience of being an autistic person in an environment that's terrible for me where I'm basically trying to figure out really hard how to not be an emotionally unstable wreck all the time who throws "childish tantrums" over "dumb shit" because I hate feeling like my family always expects me to just snap whenever anything happens and whether or not I do just depends on how much Repression Juice I've got left in the tank or how Unshitty the circumstances have been for the last week or even few days
#I am literally doing the best that I can for myself but there's a lot of stuff that I communicate actively to other people in this household#that never gets better or that just gets scoffed at and my environment is horrific because we're very poor and everyone in this house is#disabled and my workplace environment fucking sucks and I spent 15 years of my life basically being completely unaware of just how high my#supports needs actually are and so I'm also trying to mentally juggle and figure that shit out so I can at least make an attempt to take#care of myself the way I need to but when so many things are basically looking at you trying to cope and laughing in your face and then#punting you down from the mountain you're climbing with a bat and basically saying 'how cute and stupid of you to think you could possibly#make progress or take care of yourself? don't you understand your circumstances dipshit?'#IT'S KIND OF PAINFULLY DIFFICULT HAHA.#I basically deal with this by holing myself up all the time just trying to keep my bullshit away from people#I'm very sick of it#Like even when I try to have a conversation when I'm getting really upset or angry about something#one person in this house is impossible to talk to at all because she's argumentative as hell about literally everything and anything#including stuff you didn't even say. Like I have no idea what she's even saying to me half the time and she almost never listens#the other one is my aunt who is so emotionally repressed she can't even have a conversation with a whiff of vulnerability in it#and then my mother just shuts down and ignores me ! Which Makes It Worse!
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Saturday afternoon I ran into Gibernau in the paddock.
"I heard that tomorrow HRC are having a press conference," he said.
"That's right, just after the race," I replied.
"You'll say you're staying at Honda, won't you?" he asked.
"No, actually. I'll announce I'm moving to Yamaha," I answered.
I saw a flash in his eyes. First astonishment, then happiness. I could tell he had done some quick thinking and figured that it would only be good for him. He reckoned that I wouldn't do much on a Yamaha. I could read it on his face, just as I later could read it in the faces of so many other people who doubted me and my choice.
Valentino Rossi in his 2005 autobiography, What if I had never tried it
#valentino rossi#//#vr46#sg15#vale's autobiography is unsurprisingly circumspect about the details of that relationship and how and why it deteriorated#but the little details we get are so interesting#i think sometimes about how marc in late 2015 just would not shut up about how jorge was faster than vale but vale was 'doing his 100%'#and it's like... buddy omg. please stop. like i'd be pissed off too in vale's place quite frankly and i don't have quite that big an ego#vale always wanted to prove people wrong. endlessly aware of people's expectations of him. always willing to play with them to subvert them#literally he wanted to do 'call an ambulance but not for me' like that's one of his career go-to's. he loves being the comeback kid#it must be endlessly frustrating that he came so close to pulling off the greatest trick of them all and fell just a little bit short#i think you always have to be quite careful with him when you're talking about his 'desire to win' as if it's that straightforward or pure#of course he wants to win but it's also about what he's trying to SAY when he wins. what he's trying to do with it. what's the statement#it's what a lot of the celebrations are about at their core - sending a message. symbiotic relationship b/n victory + expressing identity#leaving to go to yamaha in 2004 was done with the full awareness that a title that year was unlikely. that it might take at least a year#if he stays at honda he sleepwalks to a title. but he just can't do it if he feels like the victory is being claimed + defined by others#ten is just a number. but when nobody thought you could claim it? then it's the most precious number of them all
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why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up why won't my brain shut up
#i'm overthinking something that i did and was told off for doing by my director#and on my way home i was thinking when was the last time i was even talked to like that during a production#and then i remembered the costume experience from hell of only a couple months ago that i've already began blocking out#but the thing is that that person was someone i knew i'd never have to work with again#i mean at first i thought i would have to work with them more. then they announced they were moving away immediately#so i only had to deal with them face to face for another weekish after that point and anytime they yelled at me#i was like 'cool. i'll do exactly what you say to do. and nothing more.' but then of course me being me#i did some extra stuff and they initially were like 'oh that's pretty' and then days later told me to cut everything i added#and like sure i get that the show was frozen but girl. that costume was unfinished. i was trying to finish it. it was frozen but looked bad#anyway. whenever they yelled at me and had actual malice in their heart i was like whatever. i was hurt. but i didn't care as much.#but this time it's someone i've worked with many many times before and it was about a habit i have that i know isn't great#but at the same time the thing that prompted it wasn't even me doing this habit it was something else#but she interpreted it as that habit and said that i can't do that on a production she's directing#and that if i couldn't stop then i could pull out from the production and there'd be no hard feelings between us#and honestly i think her reassuring that she knows i'm valuable and that she wants me there while also telling me not to do this thing#and the fact that she's someone i like working with and will continue to work with just made it all hurt so much more#especially since she referenced another past production we've done where i didn't even realize she had noticed that i do this.#and i found myself in near tears. and still am kind of in near tears. i can't decide if i need to cry or not.#and i had NO sleep last night so i was looking forward to sleeping tonight but now i'm just overthinking EVERYTHING#and like. i know everything will be fine. if i just stop inserting myself and stick to just my specific tasks. it'll be fine.#but this is one of the ways my ocd manifests. i feel like i have to personally fix something i notice going wrong. or it'll be bad.#because every single time i choose to sit back and not be nosy when i notice something it ends up bad in a way i could have prevented#if i just inserted myself in a situation i technically wasn't part of but knew i could help or fix. so i just need to not do that.#but then i feel guilt if it does go wrong in the ways i immediately assumed it would and in a way i could prevent.#and i've been trying to work on this for like 6 months and aaaahhhh it's hard and being called out on it from her just really really hurt#i still may or may not cry. i don't know. the irony of me telling my therapist THIS MORNING that it's been a while since i last cried.#and the universe being like 'i took that as a challenge' and handing me this situation for me to spiral over.#i need to leave things alone. i need to stare straight ahead. and ignore whatever isn't specifically for me to do. but ahhh i want to help#and then of course my mom has this same habit and it annoys me when she does it yet i do it to other people and ahhhhhhhh#brain please just shut up. i need to sleep. i have to work tomorrow.
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