#sick to my fucking stomach lmao

[alisria]

i know i am just smad because im tired and in pain and havent eaten in 12 hours and have no plans to but

i think as i approach 30 i am really starting to lose my mind a little bit about how ive spent 27 years putting my life on hold until X. like oh i will go out and do new things when i have X. i cant enjoy travelling until i have X. i cant be happy until i have X. and like. X doesnt seem possible anymore. i dont have the willpower to make it happen. i dont care enough. because i never gave myself anything to care about because that was something that would come after X. well what the fuck do i do when X never comes? feel like this forever? because ive certainly been dealing with that reality my entire life. and i can look at my friends and see they dont need X to be happy and thats fine and im so glad for them and i dont WANT them to need X but i do.

and it's like. okay well if X is my obstacle, what are the steps i need to take to get X? okay well join your support groups. go to your doctor. get more doctors. beg for help with X from them. from your family. and then the support groups say "you dont want it enough", the doctors say "you shouldnt want X at all", and your family doesnt answer your pleas because what you want doesn't matter, you dont want it enough, you should be doing other things, etc. and it's like. all my life i have felt like an absolutely massive part of me is missing. and the only thing that will fix it is X. doctor will give you vyvanse. doctor will give you all the hormones you can dream of without you even fucking asking. doctor will offer gender affirming surgery you dont even want. but you beg for X, you beg for help just getting closer to X, you write out a page of reasons why X would get you closer to finally feeling like a real person, like yourself, a self you havent even fucking met yet at nearly 30 years old, and doctor goes "ehhh well you need to learn to be happy without X. because you can't have it." and its like well girl what the FUCK do i do because thats the only thing ive literally ever wanted and i've structured my entire life over the pipe dream of maybe having it someday and i CANT have anything else until i have X and they kind of shrug and give you another doctor that goes yeah no you dont get a diagnosis and nothing is wrong with you and i wont help you get X so no more appointments call me if you need me but doctor i am fucking pagliacci.

and there's that nagging thought, that if i get X, nothing will change. the support groups tell you this. nothing will change. you will still be socially inept, you will still be mentally ill with agoraphobia, you will still struggle every fucking day of your life with choices that tear you apart. and i can hear that for 10 years and still feel incomplete without it. i am defective goods and i need a part installed and people either say "well you dont need that part to work!" "you can be happy without the part!" "you can never have the part, even if you get it installed it will never work so why even bother?" and this is supposed to feel like support. this is supposed to be positivity. but it's not. maybe it is for other people. but it isnt for me. but i can have hormones if i want!!!!! here you can transition wont that make you feel better!!!!! wont that make you hate yourself less!!!!! have as many hormones as you want!!!!!!!

and on tuesday im going to go to the doctor and smile and say everythings great im fine physiotherapy is working the meds are working everything is perfect see you in 3 months when i am quite literally rotting inside and there is no cure

im going to bed

[speakercrab666]

Republican Green Day fans just now realising American Idiot is about them has gotta be the funniest thing i've ever fucking seen. like my guy they are a pop punk band. they be popping and punking. they've BEEN popping and punking. who the fuck did u think they were talking about????????

[transbrucewayne]

WAS ANYONE GOING TO WARN ME ABT MARK’S VALENCIA CRASH.

[hirazuki]

Okay, see, the thing about your story ending on a negative/dystopian/'despite everything that's happened nothing has changed in society' note and doing so successfully? It needs to have been set up for that in the first place, and it needs to be done in an intentional manner.

I have nothing against works that reinforce how cruel/meaningless/pointless/etc. the world is -- I enjoy a fair few! -- but the works themselves need to be some sort of commentary about it; the plot might be demonstrative of the futility of everything, but the story never should. It should take that and build on it and use it to make a statement, underscore a point, etc. to its readers. Having everything carry on business-as-usual without acknowledging it, especially in a genre that's generally meant to conclude on optimistic, uplifting, and hopeful notes, comes off as callous and in direct opposition with the values it extols.

Plus, the story itself should never be futile because, then, well, it never mattered as a work and it makes no difference if you've read it or not. Which... that's just a badly written story lmao.

[selfinflictedgunshotwound]

not my online friend trying to have the "not all zionists" conversation with me rn

[fvckednddistvrbed]

i ate a lot today, not as much as other days, but still im disappointed with myself and starting to feel sick. why cant i be good at restriction? god this makes me wanna sh so fucking bad

[mercymaker]

i just want to sleep and rest and not have all this tummy pain

[rosicheeks]

-

[mangostar]

theres a different between having sensory issues with foods and being an asshole

[ardentpoop]

very close to crying tonight, after a long bout of numbness

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent/transphobia in fandom

I regret looking in the trans //// Dirk tag bc wow... people sure do love to shit on other people's interpretation of canon.

Someone fucking said "people are making him trans to 'soften' him and make him more likeable" like holy shit???? Am I actually reading those words?? Someone being blatantly transphobic in the tD tag, where y'know, trans people wanna read posts about tD.

If you think making a character trans 'softens' him, that's literally the definition of transphobia, and that's something you need to work on. Trans men aren't Men Lite. We're not softer and more likeable than cis men. Shut the fuck up.

I feel so fucking sick after reading that. Fucking asshole piece of shit. I did not need to read that tonight, while I'm literally suffering from a 'trapped in the wrong body' flavour of gender dysphoria and S.I. and just TRYING TO FIND PEOPLE BEING NORMAL ABOUT TRANS ///// DIRK SINCE IT FEELS LIKE I'M THE ONLY PERSON WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT NOW.

Whatever. I will blaze my own way down the tD path. I'm doing it for ME. Not for anyone else. Fucking rancid-ass take, get the fuck out. No one wants to see your whiny transphobic arguments against tD, IN THE TAG FOR TRANS //// DIRK. Keep your transphobia to yourself, or I am busting out the duct tape. (Duct tape=block button. Yes, I blocked them. Don't need that negativity in my blogging experience.)

((Do not talk to me about anything that happens after Homestuck proper. I do not perceive those things. I do not want to know about those things. They do not exist to me.))

PS. Oh, I absolutely love finding any canon evidence to make toxic male characters into trans men (Handso//me Ja/ck, Joh//nny Sil//verhand, Br/o Str/ider, etc... actually now that I line them up like that, Bro is totally tame and normal lmao, HJ is wayyy worse of a person and there's tons of canon evidence I can argue with...)

Anyway, transing the bad guys... It's my favourite passtime. I could not give a fuck what you think about that. I like my men toxic and trans. I don't give a fuck about having "good" representation, because a trans man is still a trans man when he's a toxic asshole. That's the point. Trans men are the same amount of man as cis men. So you can SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT NEEDING A 'SOFT' BOY FOR TRANS MEN'S REPRESENTATION. DO IT YOUR-FUCKING-SELF AND LEAVE THE TRANS //// DIRK TAG TO THOSE OF US WHO KNOW THE TRUTH.

[capetowncapers]

New and increasingly convoluted methods of evolving Pokémon sometimes have me old lady mode shaking my head and grumbling about “kids these days and their fancy evolution methods” and yes I say this because I defeated three leader’s crest bisharps only to level up my bisharp and realize that auto battle doesn’t count lol

[imwritesometimes]

fucked up my sleep routine cause I got violently ill after dinner and had to lie down and now my stomach is kinda feeling better but my anxiety is spiraling out of control cause I'm up too late cause I had to take a nap and it was out of my control and 🥴

[stirdrawsandreblaws]

I can think of barely anything more soul-crushing than finally getting the ok to work on smth for money (transcription) despite knowing it is not something im good at (bc i Cannot fucking Hear without video or transcripts) and then sitting in a work queue for 16 hours across 2 days, actually doing work for an hour and a half so it was almost 18 hours total, and then getting paid only for the audio time i did transcripts for

so i made ~$3.50 for that hour and a half, and could do functionally very little for the other 16 hours

and they might decide there are too many errors to pay me for so idek if i made that much hahahahahaaa

[aratinatophat]

Y’know that feel when you feel like you haven’t gotten enough sleep but like you physically cannot sleep anymore?? Yeah. It’s fucked up. I mean I did get 8 hours which is considerably more than usual given my recent fad of 4-6 hours (I suppose I should say thank you to the illness for making me sleep at a reasonable time instead of 6am but it felt like my bones were destroyed, suffocated me!!) but I really really need to be put down for 50 hours please please please please please please please (I’m so tired)

[wheresmulder]

This is way too personal for tumblr but I think I wanna leave my fiancé lmfao