EPIC: The Musical
lyrics that absolutely fuck me up, feel free to change pronouns and such as needed
"A mission to kill someone's son, a foe who won't run, unlike anyone you have faced before."
"I'd rather bleed for you."
"This is the will of the gods."
"Don't make me do this."
"The blood on your hands is something you won't lose. All you can choose is whose."
"You're as old as he was when I left for war."
"How could I hurt you?"
"I'm just a man who's trying to go home."
"When does a man become a monster?"
"When does the reason become the blame?"
"Forgive me."
"We should try to find a way no one ends up dead."
"You can relax, my friend."
"Think of all that we have been through. We'll survive what we get into."
"This life is amazing when you greet it with open arms."
"I see in your face there is so much guilt inside your heart."
"Have you forgotten to turn off your heart? This is not you."
"Have you forgotten your purpose? Let me remind you."
"Don't forget that you're a warrior of a very special kind."
"Don't disappoint me."
"What gives you the right to deal a pain so deep?"
"Don't you know that pain you sow is pain you reap?"
"Your life now is in my hand."
"A trade, you see. Take from me like you took from me."
"You shall be the final man to die."
"It's just one life to take."
"When we kill him our journey's over."
"Captain?"
"You've hurt me enough."
"When I kill you, my pain is over."
"Mark my words now. This is not the end."
"Remember them."
"Who hurts you?"
"If nobody hurt you, be silent."
"He's still a threat until he's dead."
"Finish it."
"What good would killing do, when mercy is a skill more of this world could learn to use?"
"The blood we shed, it never dries."
"I am your darkest moment."
"I am the infamous _______!"
"This way, you won't disappoint me."
"This way, you won't waste my time."
"Unlike you, every time someone dies, I'm left to deal with the strain."
"I'll remind you, I saw you as a friend, but now we're done."
"This way, you won't plague my life."
"This way, you'll close the door and have your damn goodbye."
"Since you claim you're so much wiser, why's your life spent all alone?"
"You're alone!"
"This day, you sever your own head."
"This day, you lost it all. Consider this as my goodbye."
"Don't forget how dangerous the gods are."
"How much longer 'til your luck runs out?"
"You rely on wit, and people die on it."
"I still believe in goodness."
"Lead from the heart, and see what starts."
"And what will we do when it tears us apart?"
"You're like the brother I could never do without."
"How much longer 'til your strength takes leave?"
"I can't have you planting seeds of doubt."
"Keep your friends close and your enemies closer."
"Sometimes killing is a must."
"Friends turn into foes and rivalries."
"Never really know who you can trust."
"The end always justifies the means."
"So much has changed, but I'm the same."
"I'm left without a choice and without a doubt."
"Ruthlessness is mercy upon ourselves."
"You are the worst kind of good 'cause you're not even great."
"You are far too nice."
"Mercy has a price."
"Unlike you, I've got no mercy left to give."
"The line between naivete and hopefulness is almost invisible."
"What have you done?"
"I am your darkest moment, the monster that always draws near."
"Remember me."
"There's only so much left we can endure."
"Think of your past and your mistakes."
"No, I'm not a player. I'm a puppeteer."
"I can hardly sleep now, knowing everything we've done."
"It's a game of wits, but you don't have to play."
"A foe like ____ is not to be messed with."
"You could be hurt or you could beat her."
"I'll help you conquer her."
"Wouldn't you like your outcome preferred?"
"Don't thank me, friend, you very well may die."
"Did you do something to them?"
"I don't know who you are or why you're here, but let me make this one thing clear."
"I've got people to protect, friends I can't neglect, so now there is no turning back."
"Back at home my wife waits for me. She's my everything, my _____."
"Maybe showing one act of kindness leads to kinder souls down the road."
"This land confuses your mind."
"All I hear are screams every time I dare to close my eyes."
"I no longer dream, only nightmares of those who've died."
"Why would you let _____ live when ruthlessness is mercy?"
"I keep thinking of the infant from that night."
"____, when you come home, I'll be waiting."
"Even if you're the last thing I see, I'll be waiting."
"I took too long."
"I'll always love you."
"Your past is always close behind."
"I see a song of past romance."
"I see portrayals of betrayal and a brother's final stand."
"I see a man who gets to make it home alive, but it's no longer you."
"We've suffered and sailed through the toughest of Hells, now you tell us our efforts were nothing?"
"I see a wife with a man who is haunting. A man with a trail of bodies."
"How has everything been turned against us?"
"How did suffering become so endless?"
"Do I need to change?"
"What if I'm the monster?"
"What if I'm the problem that's been hiding all along?"
"If I became the monster, and threw that guilt away, would that make us stronger?"
"So what if I'm the monster lurking deep below?"
"If I gotta drop another infant from a wall in an instant so we all don't die, then I'll become the monster."
"I'll become the monster."
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Hands Where I Can See Them, Part 12 (End!)
Pt 1 | Pt 2 | Pt 3 | Pt 4 | Pt 5 | Pt 6 | Pt 7 | Pt 8 | Pt 9 | Pt 10 | Pt 11 | Ao3
[Warning for brief references to sex; nothing explicit happens]
-
For the first time in a long time, Steve wakes slowly.
His alarm isn’t blaring at him and neither is his brain; it’s quiet, and the room is filled with morning sun, and Steve is warm, and comfortable, and still a little muzzy with the heavy sort of sleep that usually only comes to him when he’s physically exhausted or feeling safe (usually the former).
He blinks at the blurry mess of color that is his wallpaper and tries to remember what day it is, tries to will himself to get up, because he’s sure there’s something he’s supposed to be doing, but it’s hard. He’s so comfortable. He turns his face further into his pillow, pressing in where it’s warm and firm and– breathing.
Steve sits up.
Beside him, Eddie is still asleep, lying sprawled across the mattress with one arm flung half over the side and the other stretched out where it had been curled around Steve’s back before Steve pulled away. There’s a red mark on his chest where Steve’s head had been resting, and he’s sure there’s a corresponding splotch of red on his cheek.
As the sleepy fog finally lifts from his brain, the previous night filters back in, and Steve can’t help the smile that follows. He shifts a little just to feel the pleasurable ache in his muscles, to feel the warmth of the cocoon of sheets around them, to feel the way the mattress dips beneath the weight of a second body, and sighs contentedly.
He’s just considering lying back down when Eddie groans, a drowsy frown pulling at his face.
“Where’d you go?” he asks, eyes still closed (at least, Steve’s sure that’s what he means to ask; it comes out a little more like “Whrd y’go?”, and he’s pleased that his ability to decipher Eddie’s half-awake mumbling hasn’t suffered in its absence of use).
“I didn’t go anywhere, I’m right here,” Steve says, laying his palm over Eddie’s chest and running his thumb along the ridge of his collarbone.
Eddie hums, bringing his hand up from over the edge of the bed to place it over Steve’s. “‘s too early to be awake,” he mutters, a little more coherent this time. “Come back.”
“It’s not even that early. It’s…” Steve ducks and squints a little to bring his alarm clock into focus, everything still a little blurry without his contact lenses in. “Holy shit, it’s past ten.”
“See? Early.” Eddie reaches up with his free hand to pat around for a hold on Steve’s arm so he can tug at him. “Lay back down.”
“I never sleep this late, what the hell,” Steve mutters, and Eddie finally opens his eyes, giving Steve a grin that’s equal parts sleepy and self-satisfied.
“Wore you out, didn’t I?” he asks.
“Oh, yeah, I’m exhausted,” Steve deadpans, before proceeding to flop back down onto Eddie’s chest, smirking at the little ‘oof’ he earns. “I don’t know if I can even move. Hope you don’t have to pee anytime soon.”
Eddie shrugs. “Eh, if I do, it’s your bed, not mine.”
“Ew. Dude.” Steve props himself back up on his elbow in order to wrinkle his nose at Eddie.
“You’re the one who brought it up,” Eddie says with a smirk, and – shit, Steve’s really missed this.
Eddie is one of the only people in the world Steve feels like he can completely be himself around. He’s second only to Robin (everyone will always be second to Robin, that’s just a given), and that’s what had devastated Steve most when he’d heard what Eddie had to say about their relationship. He thought he’d let Eddie see all of him, and Eddie hadn’t seen anything worth wanting.
Worth loving.
But that, apparently, hadn’t quite been the case.
“Hey,” Eddie calls Steve’s attention back, picking his hand up off his chest to press a kiss to the back of it. “Where’d you go?”
No, that hadn’t been the case at all.
Steve shakes his head. “Nowhere,” he promises. “I’m right here.”
He leans down for a kiss, and Eddie pulls their combined hands aside to meet it, bringing his free hand up to curl into Steve’s hair, cradling the back of his head.
It isn’t as though all the hurt has healed – all of Steve’s doubts and insecurities haven’t magically disappeared. As much as Steve might wish, it isn’t as though the last several weeks never happened. They can’t change any of that now, but Eddie’s honesty, his openness– openness from them both will take them a long way forward.
The idea still sits as a bit new to Steve: honesty. He’s used to people saying one thing and doing another. He’s used to being expected to decipher convoluted social cues and having to intuit unspoken messages. He’s used to not being allowed to ask for what he wants and just accepting whatever he’s given.
This, he thinks, will be better.
The kiss doesn’t end so much as it slides into another, and another, until Eddie and Steve have rolled to their sides, legs tangled together beneath the blankets, mouths sliding against one another, lazy and unhurried. There’s a hint of heat beneath their movements, something that could spark into more if they let it, but Steve is content with just this for now. There will always be time for more later.
Eddie hums deep in his chest when the kisses trail to an end, voice still warm and sleep-rough, and Steve rests his forehead against Eddie’s, unwilling to go too far away just yet.
“Good morning,” Steve says when Eddie opens his eyes again, and he can feel the puff of Eddie’s sigh against his lips.
“Don’t say that,” Eddie whines. “If you say that, we have to get up.”
Steve gives a little laugh. “We can’t stay in bed all day, Eddie.”
“Sure we can,” Eddie drawls, pushing at Steve’s shoulder until he takes the hint and rolls onto his back, only to have Eddie lay down on top of him, pressing him into the mattress. “In fact, I think that’s a great idea.”
“Do you seriously have no other plans for the day?” Steve asks, as if he has any pressing engagements himself.
Eddie presses a kiss to the base of Steve’s throat, humming thoughtfully. “Maybe one or two,” he says, trailing a few more kisses up the side of Steve’s neck.
“Besides that,” Steve huffs, though he makes no move to stop Eddie when his hand comes to rest on the waist of Steve’s pajama pants.
“What am I, an event planner?” Eddie asks, but he does pull away from Steve’s neck with a petulant (and largely exaggerated) sigh. “Fine. How about we stay in bed most of the day and then… we can go back to mine for dinner?”
Steve looks up at Eddie, brows drawing together as he thinks. “What’s at yours that we’d need for dinner?”
Eddie shrugs. “Nothing, really. It’s just been a while,” he says quietly.
And– well, it has. Eddie’s trailer used to be one of the places Steve had felt most comfortable, but he hasn’t spent more than a few minutes there in passing since he’d emptied it of his things. He misses it there – how warm and welcoming it always was, how he’d felt like he belonged there.
What if he goes back now and it’s changed? What if he feels as out of place there now as he does in his own house?
He must spend a moment too long thinking about it, because Eddie begins to backpedal.
“But if you don’t want to, we totally don’t have to, we can just–”
“No,” Steve cuts in. “Let’s go to yours for dinner.”
A slow-growing smile pulls across Eddie’s face, and Steve can tell he’s fighting the urge to duck and hide it.
“Wayne misses you, y’know,” Eddie says, and now it’s Steve who’s ducking away from eye contact.
“Misses my cooking, I bet,” he jokes, but Eddie shakes his head.
“Misses you. He does like you, Steve. He asked where you were, after– after everything,” Eddie says, and Steve isn’t sure what the hell he’s supposed to say to that, or if he even can speak around the sudden, weird choke of emotion in his throat. Eddie, as if he can sense his dilemma, saves Steve from having to respond. “He misses your cooking too, though, let’s be real. He had the audacity to tell me the other day that my mac and cheese isn’t as good as yours. It was your recipe!”
Steve laughs, and Eddie really plays up the offense.
“And you know the worst part? He was right,” Eddie laments. “It’s the same recipe, how does that even work?”
“So, what I’m hearing is that you want me to come to your house and cook you dinner,” Steve teases, smirking up at Eddie.
Eddie subsides just a little, packing away his theatrical energy in order to smile back down at Steve. “I just want you to come over. I’ll order dinner if you want. Hell, I’ll submit myself to public ridicule and try cooking for you again.” He cups Steve’s cheek in one hand and leans in to kiss him gently. “Whatever you want, Steve, I’m there.”
“Yeah?” Steve asks, quiet, almost breathless with the depth of Eddie’s promise.
“Yeah,” Eddie answers, his smile as ridiculous and smitten as the look on Steve’s own face must be. “I’m right here with you.”
And Steve decides he likes the sound of that. He likes it very much.
-
Thank you to everyone who gently threatened me encouraged me to continue the first part of this story, it's been so fun to write and to see everyone interact with! You've all been very kind, and I hope the ending satisfies <3
Tag list: @bushbees @y0urnewstepp4r3nt @gleek4twd @hellfireone @westifer-dead @anne-bennett-cosplayer @starman-jpg @mugloversonly @swimmingbirdrunningrock @alycatavatar @y4r3luv @rhapsodyinalto @vinteraltus @lilpomelito @tillystealeaves @noctxrn-e @pearynice @giverobinagfbrigade @novacorpsrecruit @hotluncheddie @strangersteddierthings @alongcomesaspider @theheadlessphilosopher @jettestar @rajumat @garden-of-gay @jamieweasley13 @dam28lh @oldwitcheshat @lololol-1234 @perfectlysensiblenonsense @salty-h0e @r0binscript @mavernanche @back2beesness @a-lovely-craziness @paintsplatteredandimperfect @redbullgivescaswings @emmabubbles @heartstarstar-blog @thesuninyaface @thatonebisexualman @fruitandbubbles @erinharvelle @m-owo-n @theystoodandplayedwithsilence @surroundedbyconfusion @luthienstormblessed @3ldr1tchang3l @pansexuality-activated
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I have the smallest crumb of a theory. But what if howdy is mean to Latter because he’s self-conscious of being the only caterpillar (and repressed) and takes it out on his brother as a consequence. Because social expectations at the time gave him an excuse to do so?
no. ok. hoo boy. Allow Me To Be Insane Over The Most Prominent Thought I've Had Since Seeing The Update (about howdy)
i will try to be as eloquent and articulate as possible. ahem:
THAT FRUITY ASS CATERPILLAR IS REPRESSED AS FUCK, ARE YOU KIDDING ME??? DID YOU SEE THAT SHIT?? MY GOD. HOMEBOY HAS ISSUES STACKED ON ISSUES. GET HIM SOME THERAPY.
ok. ok ok ok. Now allow me to be articulate and eloquent
so obviously Howdy is almost certainly queer in the men-loving flavor. if i'm wrong about this my confidence will never recover. But I'm Willing To Take That Chance. so he's definitely queer, right? his.. well his everything points to it, but the final nail in the coffin are his rainbow suspenders from the group Homewarming artwork from Eddie's prolonged breakdown.
but this update i think showed us deeper into that part of him. and i take the shipping goggles off for genuine analysis, so when i say this i believe that there is Serious Evidence and seems Genuinely Plausible - if Howdy doesn't have feelings for Barnaby, i'll eat my cat.
the above is important to say because it Directly ties in to how Howdy treats Latter AND Eddie.
so. Howdy is likely gay or bi, what have you. i'm guessing gay. he obviously has feelings for Barnaby. SO WHAT I'M SAYING IS that i don't think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because of the caterpillar thing, I think Howdy treats Latter the way he does because Latter is genuine and Howdy is not.
what does this have to do with Eddie? well. look at Latter and Eddie in relation to each other. they're both... how do i say... Open. and not - not effeminate, but yes, for lack of of a better word, effeminate. just enough to make one go "huh." and Howdy treats them the same way - dismissive, apathetic, one could even say avoidant.
i wouldn't be shocked if Howdy picked up on their queerness (and if Latter isn't queer, his comfort with himself / his behavior & interests) and is on the defensive about it - likely subconsciously.
and with Latter specifically. Howdy could have also picked up on the way his other family members treat him if they're all also dismissive - as Seeya seems to be as well. i mean, it fits right in line with the time period! homophobia - internalized in Howdy's case (again, most likely). the blatant favoritism, the dismissive nature, it all adds up. even if no one outright knows, that subconscious recognition (or outright suspicion!) will do this
i mean, Latter makes me think of two things. 1) being the only queer kid in a family (especially large). 2) being a middle child. there was a third but i forgor. it felt important! it's gone now! anyway it's also Super telling comparing how Howdy treats Latter (emotional, earnest, open) to how he treats Beeya (oozing stereotypical masculinity)
tl;dr so i don't think it's really "expectations giving Howdy an excuse" as it is "subconscious / internalized homophobia causes Howdy to act the way he does"
as always, take all this with a Hefty grain of salt!
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