#skills have somewhat improved. but i still really really suck at making endings

[puppyeared]

Thinking about my old pkmn ask blog

[ganseyenthusiast]

anyways since the theme of post-TRK seems to be that every single character ignores any development they had and gets worse, I'm listing everything out here + with a rating of how likely I, the authority of everything ever, think it was. greywaren spoilers obviously

1. Declan: Decides Dad was good all along, disregards real actual emotional abuse and parentification as "misremembering" how great Niall was. 6/10. CDTHEU Declan is a very different character to TRK Declan, I still think he's been too self aware throughout to suddenly walk it back THIS severely. I predict a severe breakdown for him age 30 since I've never witnessed someone do Denial as their last stage of grief.. it’s gonna be explosive

2. Ronan: Disregards his family for the majority of his arc, is worse to them than in TRC. does not call gansey for months. finds a new FP instead of a therapist. emotionally worse off. does find himself via terrorism I guess? 9/10. pretty on brand for Ronan to go scorched earth and suffer zero consequences. I do wish he was made aware of his birth circumstances and displayed the same love/grief for aurora/niall that he's shown in every book except greywaren. are you telling me he can look at the New Fenian and be OKAY?????

3. Adam: ‘Reinvents’ himself, suffers, lies, suffers again. Does not call gansey. Suffers in the VoidSpace, apparently with no lasting consequences. becomes a narc. 7/10. I was hoping for a more self aware adam post TRK but him choosing to pull a Henry Cheng is also pretty on brand. wish he'd actually broken up with Ronan for at least a week. him becoming a narc is unfortunately pretty accurate to character but government jobs are not famously well paying so it really does feel random? the only thing he’s done that’s close to sleuthing is inventing pedo murder charges for his teacher/keeping with the bryde stuff. plus he's still not utilizing his magic skill so this just feels like a continuation of the Harvard arc for the rest of his life which is REALLY baffling when u compare how many times TRK insists he's a magician and will remain a magician/psychic despite everything. seems he's growing MORE disconnected with himself. i’m all for negative development but it’s really being framed as a happy ending which is baffling ngl

4. Gansey: has a sociology degree + is only associated with blue (and nobody else) in the 4-5 years since TRK. Completely reversed his stance on henrietta being home, on "I'd take all of you anywhere with me", on his dedication to history/archeology. does not seem too concerned about Ronan going insane, still odd despite the time he's had to get used to it. 5/10. horrible representation of gansey but I DO like that he's focusing on himself instead of raising pynch. as i say this i remember the ring thing and grit my teeth. complete ignorance of Henry AFTER his whole "friends forever and ewer" TRK thing gives me a good playground to make things worse so I like it but it's definitely weird. how did being a teenager specifically suck for you king because I think Being Dead trauma is unrelated to age

5. Matthew: nearly found independence + love in the abrasive way that lynches give it, then was disregarded emotionally and still not given an apology for the Everything from declan. 8/10. extremely on brand for the lynches to not hold each other accountable. Matthew seems to have improved somewhat + Declan is less overbearing about him, so I like it, I'll take it

6. Henry: went into Seondeok's black market low level mob business, got divorced?, does not speak to bluesey. 10/10. it’s so bad. absolutely off brand for the entire theme of him rejecting the Orders his mother who Literally Forced him to come to henrietta gave him (did not begin this game looking for a friend etc). refutes the entire "find your own something more" theme, refutes the "three of us" theme, refutes the "im going to make something great" motives. and I love it. TRULY my worst ending for Henry is becoming yet another fairy market nepotism casualty. he will Literally never escape and it’s FANTASTIC it is so much fun. Ha Ha You Have Become Your Mother

7. Fenian/Mor: live at the fucking barns now. 1/10. you are telling me a series whose entire THING is based on growing up/overcoming grief/moving on ends with THE FUCKING LYNCH FAMILY BACK AT THE BARNS?????????? WHAT THE HELL???? WHY IS EVERYONE OKAY WITH ANY OF THIS??????????????????????????????????????????????????

[cosmikazie]

God if ucking love rain world too. I just dont really know how to get "into" the community without building up a following through art (im not good at it) or something else, yknow?

yeah, i know what you mean. i can somewhat relate to this problem myself, ever since i was in my first… i guess community would be a good word for it in this sense… but ever since i was in my first community, i have always wanted to contribute to the community and media at hand. it happened with deltarune, it REALLY happened with undertale (every time i get a comment on that one video i nearly shit myself) and now it’s happening again with rain world. if im being real, i may not be the best person to ask about it, since i basically grew in popularity across the internet overall by dumb luck.

but regardless, ill put in my two cents anyways: just keep at it, whatever you’re doing. even if you think youre bad at it, keep going. even if you think you’re not gonna add any more worth to the wider community by making your impact, do it anyways. you’ll thank yourself later on.

you see this? this was my first piece of digital art EVER. of course, looking back at this piece of art from late 2018, i think this art piece sucks ten ounces of cottage cheese and italian driftwood. and im assuming thats the feeling you’re going through right now.

but here’s the thing: i kept at it. i kept trying and trying more and more until i eventually made this like three days later

still not great. but i didnt improve overnight. like i said earlier, you gotta keep at the stuff you love regardless of how you feel about it skill-wise. you’re gonna be thanking yourself later on for nourishing that branch on the tree.

and trust me, keeping at it is worth it. these two images aren’t insignificant, i repeat them every year or two since these first two. my latest one was this one:

the point im trying to make with all this stuff in the end i guess is just that even if you dont feel fantastic about what you make, you should still keep trying. youre not gonna improve overnight, but if you set yourself a goal to get a little bit more detailed, or a little bit more elaborate with what you make each time you make something, your improvement will be noticeable. and dont just do it for any random community out there! do it for YOU!!!! if you have problems with working for yourself as much as you work for others, imagine taking an order from yourself that says do whatever you want! because you can!!!

TL;DR: dont do what you do for just anyone, do it for you. and keep doing it, no matter how little you think of it. you will thank yourself.

and hey. if all else fails you can always be like gront5172, the justin y. of rain world youtube. im sure theyre very happy i mentioned them here tbh

[zahra-hydris]

v curious to know which job questlines you consider canon for maty & why (doh/l included) 👀

nonny I love this question and I love you for asking about my girl 💖

first, a confession: despite having all my crafting jobs at 80+ and two of my three gathering jobs at 89/90, i’ve probably completed like half of the questlines?

otherwise! pretty much all of them are canon for maty except for two. the first is the dragoon questline which is unique imo because it feels so very dated after a certain point in the msq (basically, post-heavensward).

considering maty only learns the job after endwalker (and after being enough of a shit to estinien that he challenges her to actually learn the job), the estinien-centred storyline is a) a HUGE time warp and character regression for estinien and b) doesn’t fit the friendship estinien and maty have by that point. i’m also not a huge fan of the ‘two azure dragoons’ thing tbh. I prefer to let estinien have that as his own thing (I love that, canonly, estinien is still a better dragoon than the wol).

the second job questline I consider non-canon for maty is the dancer one. part of this is because I connect her skills to her background (her parents taught her and her sister to ‘entertain’, including dancing, to attract a wealthy husband) and because I don’t see maty as willing to indulge gegeruju and randomly joining a dance troupe. instead, she asks lyna to show her how to turn her ‘useless’ dancing training into something more lethal.

another job questline that I kind of smudge a bit for maty is the paladin one... because it sucks. it’s so so bad and it makes zero sense and I kind of just block it out and pretend that maty’s paladin abilities come from her merging her magic with her new defensive skills (gained through the gladiator training).

some of the others that seem a bit... weird (warrior, white mage) I just see her as grudgingly persevering through (post-endwalker maty in the background of curious gorge’s romcom: remember two months ago when I was doing shit like saving the fucking universe).

but all of the others fit maty and her journey quite well (with some occasional tweaks), especially in the order I did them. the black mage and summoner storylines are fairly integral to her ARR development, with red mage a natural progression in her post-ARR journey and machinist following once she reaches ishgard (because she’s developed an interest in engineering from cid). she learns paladin and white mage after heavensward (so she can defend/heal/never feel so helpless as she did watching haurchefant die). I see her learning samurai during stormblood, though I do alter the story somewhat so it starts through her getting some training from hien and then seeking out a mentor to improve herself. she picks up dark knight after stormblood, when she’s at her lowest, and it absolutely SLAPPED at that point (an actual physical manifestation of all her rage, grief, and self-loathing she feels at that point and HOLY SHIT did I time that well).

she picks up dancer and gunbreaker during quiet moments in shadowbringers in an effort to add to her combat capacity, the weight of her task (and the exarch/g’raha’s expectations) bearing on her, learning initially from lyna and thancred respectively (before completing her gunbreaker training through the questline). all the others kind of fit in after shadowbringers or after endwalker (maty deciding to use her time productively). notably, she picks up reaper after endwalker as a way of working through her weird feelings regarding zenos’ death. it also feels like a way of returning to her black mage roots, messing about with the void again. it’s also these periods in which she really dives into her crafting and gathering, working through the little guild (and guildmaster) crises in these periods where the world’s not ending (fave one of these is still alchemist btw). sometimes, it’s a way to refocus herself and do something simple and productive after such high stress and traumatising events. for instance, she starts mining as a way to finally address her survivors guilt and feel connected with minfilia after shadowbringers.

[arrantsnowdrop]

To be a Jedi - Anakin Skywalker x Reader

Request: “anakin/female!reader getting together fic that involves reader crying because she’s feeling self-conscious about her appearance and feeling worthless and anakin comforting her and calming her down and then accidentally confessing to her?”

Tags: @lothloriien​

Warnings: self-deprecation, insecurities, etc. (~2,500 words)

~~~~~

Being a Jedi really sucked sometimes.

Not all the time. In fact, you normally enjoyed the fast-paced, demanding lifestyle you led. Even as a youngling you had taken pride in the ritual and responsibility of being a Jedi, and now, as a Padawan on the verge of facing the Jedi trials, you were more confident than ever that the Force had led you down the right path.

But that didn’t mean you didn’t have bad days every once in a while.

Your Master had been called away on some highly classified mission in the Naboo system, so you’d been spending the week at the Jedi Temple working on some independent research and participating in training sessions with the other senior Padawans. Unfortunately, they were focusing on lightsaber combat this week - something you were definitely not as skilled at considering your specialization in negotiation and communications.

It wasn’t that you were unathletic - you were training to be a Jedi for crying out loud - but it was hard not to feel a little self-conscious about how much you were struggling with the training exercises, especially when your assigned training partner was none other than Anakin Skywalker.

It was just past midday - you’d been training for hours already and still had a few to go. The sun was blaring down on the courtyard where you and the other Padawans were sparring under Obi-Wan’s supervision.

You panted heavily, eyeing Anakin as the two of you circled each other slowly. There was no question as to which one of you would launch the next parry - Anakin had taken the offensive right out of the gate - so all you could do was try to catch your breath and prepare yourself for his next attack.

His eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, a few beads of sweat dripping down his forehead and some of his hair sticking to his face. His eyes were following your every move, tracking you like you were some kind of prey.

You hated this.

Suddenly, Anakin lunged forward, blue lightsaber whirring loudly as he swung it towards you. You groaned, lifting your own lightsaber up at the last possible moment to deflect him.

“Such a slow reaction time,” Anakin teased, grinning as he stepped back to give himself a wider range of motion.

“I thought it would take you longer to catch your breath,” you replied, voice strained as you blocked another one of his strikes.

You’d been friends with Anakin since Obi-Wan took him as a Padawan years ago, offering to help him as he played “catch up” with the rest of you. The fact he’d become such a strong Force-user despite starting so late was something you deeply respected him for, though you were perfectly content simply watching him display these skills.

Being on the receiving end of a lightsaber attack from Anakin Skywalker was not something you would consider enjoyable. You’d spent the whole morning dodging and jumping and somehow still losing every match. 

You flinched as Anakin’s lightsaber hit your torso, the sting of the “training mode” setting hurting far less than the sting of your own pride.

“Seven to one,” Obi-Wan called from where he was watching. You groaned, rubbing your temples with your free hand and turning your lightsaber off.

“Hey, you were definitely doing better than time,” Anakin said reassuringly, sensing your frustration. “Improvement is all Obi-Wan is looking for.”

“Improvement doesn’t take away from the fact I’ve lost seven matches today,” you seethed, bending down to re-tie the laces of your boots.

“Perhaps if you worked out a bit more you wouldn’t lose so often,” one of the other Padawans jested. Your head snapped up, face flushing as you sent them a pointed glare.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you asked curtly, watching them look between you and Anakin uncomfortably.

“It’s just-”

They didn’t get a chance to finish, letting out a small shriek as they dodged a rock flying through the air. You turned around to look at Anakin, his slightly raised hand indicating who’d been responsible for the rock. At least he was using his Force capabilities in your favor now.

“Thanks,” you muttered, reigniting your lightsaber, glancing at the clock above where Obi-Wan was sitting. All you wanted was for training to be over so you could retreat to your room.

“They don’t know what they’re talking about,” Anakin said, a somewhat angry look on his face as he took a fighting stance across from you. “You’re perfectly capable of wielding a lightsaber, and you’d definitely beat them if you’d been paired up.”

“Hopefully,” you corrected him, “hopefully I’d beat them.”

“Definitely,” Anakin insisted, you rolling your eyes as you lifted your lightsaber in front of you.

----

What sucked about getting older was how little you saw Obi-Wan and Anakin. Your Master was responsible for conducting multiple research projects for the Jedi Council off-world, and Obi-Wan and Anakin hardly ever stayed on Coruscant for longer than a few days, so it was unlikely that you’d find yourselves in the same place for a decent amount of time anymore.

Normally, you would’ve used this week as a great opportunity to catch up with one of your oldest friends. This damn lightsaber training was getting in the way.

It had been yet another long day of sweating the equivalent of your own bodyweight and paling in comparison to Anakin’s abilities. Obi-Wan had focused on lightsaber combat in precarious and compromising situations, with one of which resulting in you falling off a two story rock wall.

As you stood in front of the mirror in your room you couldn’t overlook the spattering of bruises covering your torso and arms, all varying hues of blue and purple culminating from the last few days. You sighed, grateful you were getting the extra training you so clearly needed and nervous about what that meant. Imagine you’d been confronted by some Sith fanatic in the last few weeks - who knows how long you would’ve lasted?

Perhaps you were overthinking. You did have an extremely over-skilled training partner who made most other Jedi look incompetent with a lightsaber.

That being said, you still couldn’t shake what that other Padawan had said about you yesterday. Had you really become unathletic? You didn’t think you’d ever really neglected your daily training exercises, but perhaps those weren’t enough.

You sat down on the edge of your bed slowly, shoulder slumped. Maybe you weren’t as capable as you thought. The bruises all over you and lack of any actual visible muscle certainly pointed towards that.

----

The next morning, you skipped breakfast, giving Obi-Wan some offhanded explanation as to why you’d be missing training and heading for the library. You weren’t really skipping for no reason, your Master had given you a list of different research topics for you to look up in the Jedi Archives. Did you really need the extra time to get this done? No, but it still gave you a good excuse to avoid the feeling of physical incapability that accompanied your training sessions.

Plus, you didn’t want to slow the entire group down. Tears pricked at your eyes as you remembered yesterday when Obi-Wan made you repeat some dumb exercise on a floating raft over and over again, even though everyone else had already done it to his satisfaction. It was humiliating.

At least here in the library, surrounded by stacks of holograms and books, you were in your element. Here you didn’t have to move fast or chop anyone’s limb off out of self-defense.

It was sometime in the late afternoon when Anakin stormed into the library, loud footsteps immediately shushed by a swarm of librarians. You couldn’t help but grin softly, eyes meeting his as he marched over to you much more quietly.

“Even the great Anakin Skywalker is no match for an angry librarian,” you teased, him scoffing as he plopped down in a chair next to you.

“And where were you today?” Anakin asked, a strange intensity behind his question. You gulped, gesturing to the pile of transcripts and notes in front of you.

“I was right here,” you replied meekly.

“Since this morning?” he asked, eyes widening in surprise. You nodded.

“What the heck, Y/N,” he groaned, leaning back in his chair. “Obi-Wan assigned me a different partner. Do you know how irritating every other Padawan is to train with?”

“No, I’ve only ever trained with you,” you said bluntly.

“Exactly!” Anakin responded a little too loudly, earning him a dramatic shush from the circulation desk.

“Shut up,” you chuckled, slapping his chest lightly. He rolled his eyes.

“What I mean is that I’ve only ever trained with you, too, so everyone else doesn’t live up to my expectations.”

“What expectations?” you asked quizzically, flipping one of your notebooks closed.

“Working hard but still having a good time,” he answered, waving his hand nonchalantly. “You never sacrifice good banter for anything, I value that.”

“Ah, I’m glad to know you only value me as a training partner for my humor,” you retorted dryly, gathering all your belongings into a pile and standing up. Anakin’s brows furrowed as he looked up at you, a confused look painted across his face.

“Hey, what?” he asked, standing up with you. “What happened?”

“Nothing, just makes sense that you only enjoy my conversation, not anything actually training-related.”

“What is that supposed to mean?” he asked, completely dumbfounded as you started walking away.

“See you tomorrow, Anakin,” you replied, refusing to shed any more tears until you reached your room.

----

The next morning you were too unmotivated to let Obi-Wan know you weren’t coming, deciding instead to stay in bed and do absolutely nothing. Well, you were reading, but what did that really matter to a Jedi? You were supposed to be able to do backflips through the air and take on five enemies at once, and yet here you were wrapped in two blankets feeling like absolute shit. Some Jedi you were.

You held your breath as someone began knocking furiously on the door, hoping desperately they would think you weren’t home.

“Y/N, I know you’re in there,” Anakin called. You groaned, turning around and smashing your face into the pillow.

“Y/N!” he called again.

“Don’t come in!” you shouted back, voice muffled through the pillow.

“I’m coming in.”

“Don’t-”

You never got the chance to finish, bolting upright in bed as the door flew open, Anakin stalking in. You rolled your eyes, just thankful he had kept the door on its hinges.

“What is wrong with you?” he demanded, cringing as you recoiled slightly at his harsh words.

“What do you mean?” you replied quietly, his face softening as he took a seat on the edge of your bed.

“I meant what’s wrong, not what’s wrong with you,” Anakin corrected, taking your hand in his own.

“Nothing’s wr-”

“Don’t give me that,” he interrupted, shaking his head. “Don’t even try, I know you better than anyone Y/N, what’s wrong?”

You kept quiet, focusing on the way his thumb was rubbing small circles on the back of your hand.

“You’ve been acting off since we started training together, is it something I did?” he tried again, genuinely concerned. You laughed dryly and shook your head.

“No, Anakin, you didn’t do anything,” you replied truthfully, looking at him. “You’re perfect, I promise you did nothing wrong.” He gave you a small smile, looking down to where he was still holding your hand. He didn’t let go, only gripped you a little tighter, urging you to continue. You bit your lip, debating whether or not to tell him.

“Do you remember when that Padawan told me I needed to exercise more?” you asked finally. His head snapped up, eyes meeting yours.

“I knew it,” he murmured, nostrils flaring as he tried (and failed) to conceal his budding anger. “I knew it.”

“Anakin it’s ok,” you said, reaching out and rubbing his forearm, his gaze following your hand. “I mean, they were right, if I-”

“No,” Anakin said. “No, they weren’t right. They have no idea how strong you are, how capable-”

“Anakin I’ve struggled this entire week,” you blurted, eyes stinging and face heating up. “I pale in comparison to you, and the other Padawans, at least physically. I thought whatever training I’d been doing had been enough but clearly it wasn’t, so they’re right. I need to exercise more, I need to train more, I’m incapable of defending myself with a lightsaber and I don’t even look like a proper Jedi.” You thrust your bruised arms out towards him. “Look at these, you don’t have them, no one else does. I’m the only one who struggles with every exercise and test.”

You realized you’d begun to cry, tears rolling down your face and breaths shallow.

“Y/N,” Anakin murmured, hurt in his eyes as he took your arms gingerly in his hands. “Y/N, no.”

Your eyes widened as Anakin bent over, slowly pressing his mouth to each bruise on your forearms. You gulped, feeling a little dizzy as Anakin glanced up at you. “You’re an amazing Jedi,” he started, sitting back up straight and pulling you closer to him. You tried to pull away, not wanting to stain his robes with your tears, but he held you firmly. “You’re already stronger than half the people in that group, I’ll have Obi-Wan reassign you so you can kick someone’s ass and everyone will realize it.”

“Anakin-”

He shushed you, resting his chin on the top of your head. You closed your eyes, reveling in the warmth of his body against yours.

“There’s more to being a Jedi than using a lightsaber, anyways,” he continued. “You’re the only person our age in this whole temple that can negotiate with warlords and thieves and murderers and still come back unscathed with five new friends.”

You chuckled, biting your lip as he pressed a kiss against your hair.

“You’re perfect, Y/N,” he insisted softly, you shifting in his arms to gaze up at him.

You were surprised by how nervous he looked, as if he didn’t know how you’d react to what he’d just said, what he’d just implied. You just smiled softly, leaning up to press a slow kiss on his cheek.

“Thank you, Anakin,” you mumbled against his face, grinning as you felt him smile.

Suddenly he pushed himself up, forcing you down onto the bed and collapsing on top of you. You shrieked, bursting into a fit of giggles as he began nestling himself in your hair.

“Shouldn’t you still be at training?” you asked, a wide smile on your face.

“I was sent here by Obi-Wan to fetch you,” he replied smugly.

“So shouldn’t we both be getting back then?”

He propped himself up on his elbows, gazing down at you with a cocky smile on his face.

“I never told him when I’d be coming back.”

You decided you could afford to skip training another day - Anakin probably needed the rest anyways - and pulled his face down to meet your own.

[sepublic]

Thinking about Marcy Wu

           There’s just… A lot of grounds for Marcy to end up really bitter and jealous after all of this, when it’s said and done; Especially the longer she spends healing in a vat. One might say ‘green with envy’ even, if they were to be cruel…

           This all started because Marcy was about to lose it all. She was about to lose her home, life, and friendship with her two deep and intimate childhood best friends… Anne and Sasha may have had their toxicity that resulted in Anne’s birthday being somewhat ruined, but they weren’t going to lose anything. 

          Things would always stay the same for them, between them; Because I can see Marcy, in her admiration of them and self-loathing of herself, thinking that her friends wouldn’t REALLY miss her, that she values them, far more than they value her… And even if the feeling was mutual, well, at least Anne and Sasha had each other and their own social skills.

           And if Marcy spends all her time in Season 3 just healing in a vat, having lost agency, needing to be rescued and just being left out… It’ll suck. She doesn’t get to be cool, to become a powerful warrior who goes on adventures, the way Anne and Sasha do. Marcy doesn’t get to assert herself, to put herself out there in the world, to really leave her own mark and exercise her initiative, she’ll just… Passively wait. Passively wait and do nothing, be miserable and lonely.

           I can easily see Marcy becoming bitter over how Anne and Sasha got traumatized like her, but at least THEIR trauma came in the form of fun adventures with real friends, instead of just… Boring, crippling loneliness, floating around with nothing but her own bad memories and coma to keep her company; That and Andrias and his master, whose presence only makes things worse.

          Warning: LOTS of text below!!!

           Anne and Sasha get to be cool and confident, something Marcy always admired them for; For being something SHE’s not, because she thinks lowly of herself. Because she doesn’t like herself, it’s why she’s so excited about the idea of metamorphosis and change and becoming something new… Which is ironic, because she didn’t like the change her parents presented, and frankly, who would? Marcy wanted change but in a good way, of course- And hopefully with her motifs of metamorphosis, they’ll come to fruition with Marcy really getting to grow, heal, and recover into someone who can feel good in her own skin, just like the Anne she so admires and sang a song about how she’s finally herself and it’s no big deal with.

           Marcy’s friends get to be the charismatic leaders, the heroes everyone else looks up to; But Marcy, when she tries to be the same? She just loses things. She only becomes more pathetic. Anne and Sasha get to have real families, Marcy just gets betrayed and manipulated and is just as lonely, if not moreso, because now she’s lost her friends! Which would be ironic to think I imagine, because I feel Anne and Sasha would probably be much more willing to rekindle connections with and forgive Marcy, than towards one another… Well, at least Anne. Sasha would be willing to forgive Anne, because there’s not really anything she needs to forgive in the first place, she was the perpetrator…

           But anyhow, it’s easy for Marcy to be caught up in what she thinks her friends have over her, and in a lot of ways, she’s right! It’ll be important that she remembers what Anne said, how Anne admired Marcy’s intelligence, how she seemingly won the hearts of Newtopia’s citizens… But then, who there seems to genuinely care for and admire Marcy, the way Anne is considered a member of the community back in Wartwood, or Sasha’s own leadership? Will the people of Newtopia mourn Marcy, ask questions of her? It’d be so sweet if they did so, and Marcy found out that these strangers who she didn’t think she’d made an impression on, were dazzled and grateful for all of the little improvements she made to their life.

           Yet, even if Marcy still has/had some good things… It really would be easy for her to feel, and not without justification, that Anne and Sasha may have gotten traumatized- But at least they got to learn things and have fun along the way, make real friends in the process. Marcy didn’t get to do any of that, and got even more trauma than those two, more loneliness, in addition to the loss she was going to experience at home, the loss she couldn’t imagine THEM understanding;

          At least until Anne was separated from her own parents, Anne did lose that herself and Marcy needs to understand that. Anne did have something to lose, unlike Sasha at least. So yes, Marcy, Anne would understand… Because you ended up making her go through that same kind of loss, a loss that was arguably worse because Anne’s relationship with her parents is at least fully positive, a loss of her own loved ones and life at home, so you wouldn’t have to feel the loss of your friends who you considered home- Not that you really meant it, because would Marcy have really believed that the box would work?

           But still, Marcy didn’t truly intend it, which is in some ways worse, because now she has to grapple with the realization that- Not only did her attempts to preserve her life and relationship result in an even greater separation, as a result of the betrayal Anne and Sasha felt… But Marcy unwittingly caused Anne to also lose a life and loving relationship at home, too- Not just with the girls, but with her parents, losing her life back on Earth! Marcy just wanted to keep HER life, but she made Anne lose her own in the process… At least, until Marcy made things right by giving Anne that life back, in addition to keeping her own real friends, in the Plantars.

          And then Sasha has her physical scar, but Marcy’s wounds are even worse, and potentially debilitating for the rest of her life… If there are scars, they’re definitely worse than Sasha’s. At least Sasha’s scar was a lesson, in a sense. It was an accident, not necessarily intended by Anne, who just wanted to defend her family; And it came as a result of Sasha’s own very real mistakes in trying to kill Anne’s innocent found family. Sasha was the aggressor here, all Anne did was fight back and defend, and not even with intent to truly hurt- And Anne of course felt remorse at any of Sasha’s pain.

           Marcy was manipulated. She was gaslit, betrayed, and used. She was blamed for something that wasn’t her fault, by an adult who MEANT to kill her, who didn’t care, who openly mocked her in front of her own friends. Marcy got her scar from doing the right thing, for trying to fix her mistakes and be a better person, for actually listening to her real friends… Marcy was punished for doing the right thing, and it’s so easy to see why she’d become bitter over that.

           She was punished for reasonable things, for valid feelings, for understandable mistakes; Worse than Anne or Sasha, the latter of whom REALLY made mistakes, intentionally, but seems to have gotten off far better than Marcy for it! Not that I think Sasha should suffer more, no, Marcy should suffer less, and really none of them should suffer- But to Marcy, it really would seem bitterly unfair how things are effortlessly better for her friends, who just have things naturally better for them that way… While when Marcy tries to have the same, she just makes things worse, and apparently needs to be content with her lot in life or something? Even when that lot DOES get worse, because resisting that will only ruin things even more?

           It’s so cruel- Marcy wanted that new life more than anyone else, she welcomed it more than the others, embraced it most, arguably worked the most to get it; At least, she tried to get the box, that’s how she might see it. So why does it elude her most, compared to the girls who reluctantly went along with it, and at times outright resisted? Of course, Marcy’s situation started off in a lofty capital with a king who attended to her every need, so in many ways her situation isn’t comparable to Anne and Sasha’s… But then, Anne and Sasha got real friends and connections and weren’t manipulated and used, betrayed and murdered. Really, you can’t compare trauma like that…

           But to Marcy? Well, she just got murdered… And honestly, that could easily be considered just as, if not moreso, traumatic than whatever horrid things Anne and Sasha went through. Her world collapsed around her, she was impaled and torn down to the bone spiritually and physically; So yes! The suffering she was owed, when Marcy initially got off scot-free, while Anne and Sasha had to grapple with a dangerous environment- It DID arrive! And arguably worse, at least to Marcy, not that she’d fully admit it because she thinks she deserves it; Because she was beaten down for doing the right thing, for admitting how she felt.

           You can’t compare trauma, Anne and Sasha DID suffer, even if they got real friends; But then again… Marcy didn’t get real friends, and while she didn’t suffer at first, well- You could easily say that everything that transpired in True Colors, the genuine betrayal and wounding there, more than made up for that initial lofty easiness that Marcy had. Suddenly her luxuries compared to Anne and Sasha’s don’t seem as unfair, especially when Marcy was murdered, by someone who was never her friend, and never even got the family she desired.

           And even when this is all over… What about her life back home? Will those things change… Assuming her parents haven’t already moved without her? Her own blood family has left her beind, just like the found family Marcy hoped to have, if she ever had it at all to begin with- Either through Anne and Sasha, or Andrias? There’s nothing back there, besides her two friends… And they had been in Amphibia. But now Anne’s back on Earth with her blood family… But Sasha, does she have someone there?

           If Anne is happier there, if Marcy and Sasha don’t have anyone to go back to besides the girl who DOES have others besides them… Then, maybe those two can find solace with one another in Amphibia, together. Sasha didn’t seem all too eager about her parents, and seemed fine with staying in Amphibia forever… Perhaps, hopefully, her and Marcy can talk over this. They can bond over their loneliness towards Earth, and then Marcy can realize that she wasn’t so lonely after all… That the other girls DID understand what she was going through, or about to; Anne understood what it was like to lose a family and home she loved… And Sasha, well, she knows what it’s like to have nothing to go back to, not really.

           Maybe Marcy just needed to be brave enough to just trust and ask them, openly, up-front, since the beginning… To tell Anne and Sasha about her predicament, even before they were transported to Amphibia. But when she did finally tell them, it was too late, not by Marcy’s choice but by Andrias’ as a means to spite and belittle her further… And it just resulted in Marcy feeling at her loneliest and most isolated, most terrible and self-loathing, than she had ever been. Lonely but when surrounded by others who had each other, a cruel irony that makes it infinitely more terrible.

          So, maybe she shouldn’t have spoken up at all to begin with, or done it sooner; But doing it again, or any other time from now on… Honestly, it might be better if Marcy just kept things to herself, as always. Maybe she’s better off by herself, her own pain and insecurities and loneliess heard only by herself. But then, maybe, just maybe… There’s Sasha, who’s still in Amphibia, as someone who also wants to stay in a sense. As someone who like Anne arrived there against her will and hated it, but then learned to like it… And unlike Anne, has no reason to go back. Of the two other girls, the one who really has no reason to go back to earth and all the reason to stay in Amphibia, is the one who did stay there; With Marcy…

           In some ways, Sasha is also lonely like Marcy. She’s definitely got less found family than Anne with the Plantars, and Grime, while good in a lot of ways, is admittedly pretty imperfect. Who knows, maybe Sasha is there to rescue and save Marcy, as the girl most capable of understanding her in a sense, of appreciating what Marcy did, but also condemned, her to. Maybe Marcy can understand, if she doesn’t already, because she probably already does, that while the two girls found good amidst all of this, they didn’t really need to go through that trauma and risk and separation from their old home and family to do so, not without consent at least.

           Maybe if Marcy had been open and upfront about running away with the two girls, to begin with… Maybe things would’ve been different. Maybe one in particular would’ve agreed… Or they’d have both worked to help her out, to work something out. And Anne… Anne, she knows what it’s like to not want to lose that family and life of hers, she DID just go through that so Marcy didn’t have to, in a sense… But now, Marcy lost that too. So Anne understands, and even if she’s angry that Marcy accidentally projected that pain onto her, initially forced her to bear the brunt of it for her; Maybe Anne can understand, and make peace with that realization. To understand Marcy’s choices, in a way that still preserves Anne’s own autonomy of course.

           And that family that Anne did lose, or feared being taken away from… Maybe Marcy can be a part of that family, too. Maybe she can understand Anne’s fear in losing them, by learning to love them in that same way too- Not so she can also lose those people, but maybe, just maybe, Marcy can be included. They can both understand one another, and Sasha can understand them, all three towards one another, can truly get what the others are going through, while still standing up for themselves, and helping the others.

           …Even so; It doesn’t change how Marcy was betrayed, used, and murdered, and never got the family that her friends found. There’s bound to be some understandable bitterness there, and hopefully, Marcy can catch up to Anne and Sasha and not be left behind… Maybe she doesn’t need to make her own separate family of her own; Maybe all she has to do is share in the one her friends have made themselves. And, maybe it’s never too late to succeed in the first place- Marcy has met Yunnan, Olivia, and Maddie. Just because Anne and Sasha did it first, doesn’t mean Marcy won’t ever…

           …But it will suck to be left behind initially, especially if it ends for Anne and Sasha, just as it begins for Marcy. She just wishes she was there with them, instead of just having the same things –confidence, family, happiness- as them… Honestly, Marcy would prefer to be with Anne and Sasha, than to have those same things as them; But here’s hoping she can have both in the end. Here’s hoping, at least, that she won’t be lonely any longer… Even if it’ll hurt to see Anne and Sasha be together in ways that leave Marcy behind.

           Then again- It seems Marcy has things she can participate with in each friend, that the third doesn’t understand; Her and Sasha not having anything back at Earth, Marcy and Anne having that family and life they were torn away from. Each girl is also lonely in a sense, and feels like they’re left out and not understood in certain ways; Sasha and Marcy betrayed Anne, Marcy and Anne hung out together… They’re all going through the same pain, and if they understand what the others go through, and let the others know that they understand-

           Well, they might be able to reconcile. Because as Hop Pop said, actually talking about and confronting the problems you have, will allow one another to know about and recognize and accommodate those issues, to actually work with them. And again, Marcy was used and murdered and never got that chance to make connections, and if she spends so much time in a vat, will definitely be bitter over a lot of things she unfairly missed out on. But… here’s hoping the future can make up for all of it, and heal over the losses and loneliness of the past, and make the past’s pain redundant. Here’s hoping.

[himbeaux-on-ice]

Hello! I was wondering if you could please explain to me what Robin Lehner said yesterday about vaccination and competitive edge? English isn't my 1st language and from what I gathered NHL and PA promised VGK that if they get vaccinated the restrictions on them will lessen and they can freely leave their houses. And when they players got vaccines, NHL changed their promise and said players can't do that until all of the teams across the league are evenly vaccinated (shitty move from NHL, 1/2

2/2 as always). But what did Robin mean talking about competitive edge? I rewatched the video 3 times and I still don't understand :( Did the league make it a competition between the teams? "The sooner you all get vaccinated, the sooner there'll be no resctions on you?" I hope, I'm not completely missing the point, sorry about that. Big respect for Robin for speaking up and calling out the league. I'm really happy seeing players speaking up for themselves and their teams

Hi anon! I’ve spoken about this already a bit here and here, in case you haven’t seen those yet and think they might answer some of your questions. But I’m happy to elaborate further! I hope I can clear this up for you.

First, just as a note: Right now it doesn’t seem to exactly be clear what the NHL and NHLPA did or didn’t promise players in terms of easing restrictions, but it seems like Lehner was definitely given the impression by somebody that a team getting fully or mostly vaccinated was the ticket to not being under such strict isolation. The NHL for their part seems to be claiming they promised no such thing, but it’s hard to know right now whether that’s just them covering ass, or if there was just a misunderstanding somewhere in which what they actually said was not fully clear to the players. [Elliotte Friedman voice] More news may be yet to come on this.

Right. So as far as “competitive edge” goes, I can definitely explain that. You’re only a little off the mark. What he means in this case is that the NHL is concerned that letting more fully vaccinated teams live under a less intensely restrictive set of internal rules (regarding things like dining together, exercising together, sitting next to each other on planes and busses, having more group off-ice social time, sharing hotel rooms, having in-person coaching meetings again, etc) will lead to that group having an on-ice advantage in their play over other teams who are less vaccinated and still have to live under full restrictions.

Because the NHL is intensely obsessed with “parity of sport” (trying to make the conditions of competition the same for all teams regardless of outside factors wherever possible), they always in as many situations as possible want to eliminate any potential leg up one team could have over others. This is why we have things like the salary cap, rules about scouting players, rules about how draft picks are distributed that try to make sure struggling teams have a chance to draft well, rules against signing your best players for 20-year contracts so nobody else can have them, etc.

In general theory, being parity-oriented is good! It aims to make sure that the success of teams on the ice and in the standings is determined by the hockey play/skill alone as much as possible, not by franchise wealth or other things they did to get an unfair jump on the competition. And that should make the games more fun and less boring/predictable in most cases! As far as sports leagues go, the NHL has pretty good parity of play overall — there are only a few REALLY good teams and only a few REALLY bad ones, and everybody else performs within a pretty similar range most years. This is why back-to-back Cup wins are so rare in the current era, because due to all the rules to enforce parity there are relatively few teams that are THAT dominant over the competition for a long stretch of multiple seasons in a row, and the odds of any given team winning each year are much more similar. (As compared to like that period in the late 70’s when it was like “who won the Cup? oh surprise surprise it’s the Habs AGAIN 🙄” lol).

However, sometimes the NHL gets unrealistic in its pursuit of making sure everything is exactly the same for all teams. We’ve seen it already this season with the stubborn insistence on making sure the Canucks play a full 56 game season like everybody else, regardless of whether it is safe or reasonable to do so in the time they have left.

This time, the fixation on parity seems to be rearing its head in the form of the League insisting that even if a team has most or all of their players and staff vaccinated, they still have to maintain the same intense restrictions within team spaces as other teams which may be WAY further behind in getting everyone vaccinated, rather than getting to benefit from the lowered risk that being thoroughly vaccinated brings within a closed group like that. And they seem to be insisting on this not because it would be unsafe to change things for vaccinated teams, but rather because of concern that doing so might make that team perform better as a hockey team.

That’s the key part here: The NHL seems to consider getting to (safely) return to a mode of team life that is somewhat more similar to what these guys have been habitually used to pre-pandemic, to be something that could translate into an unfair on-ice advantage in the quality of their play, over other teams who are still doing it all “the hard way” under strict restrictions because they haven’t been vaccinated yet. And because of trying for parity, they want avoid giving teams that “advantage” by basing restriction changes around each team’s individual situation, and instead plan to ease restrictions for all teams at the same time at some point once all teams are similar levels of vaccinated.

Now, US teams seem to be getting vaccinated faster and faster every day, but Canadian teams probably have not started vaccinating their players or any team employees under age 50 at all yet, because Canada’s vaccination process has been painfully slow. So waiting on them to catch up could leave US teams who are already mostly/fully vaccinated still stuck in those restrictive mentally draining conditions for quite some time before the other teams catch up — again, not because it isn’t COVID safe to ease their restrictions if done properly (that doesn’t seem to be a problem), but because the League sees the improvements to their mental state and team morale/cohesion that would come from living a less restricted life together and getting to return to familiar off-ice hockey routines as gaining a “competitive edge” over unvaccinated teams, which would lead to them playing better hockey to a level that can’t be matched as a result.

Which, Lehner is right, is a pretty fucked up way to look at it! “It’s an unfair advantage for you to not be miserably alone and depressed by that and frustrated and doing everything with 16 extra steps you’re still not used to, it’s an unfair advantage to get to actually act like a team off the ice when playing a team sport, so no, we’re not gonna let you eat lunch together or share hotel rooms or whatever” is not exactly a compassionate argument!

Anon I’m also really glad Robin said something about it, and I was glad to see VGK captain Mark Stone put full and vocal team support behind him when asked about it last night on the broadcast too. The mental price of these intense restrictions is something that has been weighing on my mind ever since I first heard they would have to spend all their time on the road locked in hotel rooms alone when not playing and thought “oh god, five months of that is going to be psychologically devastating”. It’s a relief to hear it acknowledged.

I’m not fully sure what the best solution is here, but that mental wellbeing factor absolutely must be discussed in all decisions. It would be fucked up if the League is treating that as something purely technical to be controlled like the salary cap, rather than as a key determinant of health and life (in the short and long term) that is just as important as COVID safety. The old hockey culture of “just suck it up” cannot cut it anymore.

Aside: I think it’s also worth mentioning while we’re here, that I think I do understand why players may be angry about have been talked into getting the vaccine because they thought it would lead to eased personal restrictions, and why I don’t believe that anger necessarily represents an “anti-vaxx” mindset. There are reasons they may not have planned on getting vaccinated just yet which aren’t necessarily “anti-vaxx” cult thinking (though that doesn’t mean they’re smart reasons lol) and would likely seem reasonable to players in-context. I’m gonna put that under a cut though bc this is already really long!

First, there’s the fact that we don’t know what medical conditions some players may or may not have which could make them hesitant to get some of the vaccines out of an abundance of caution. More prominently you also gotta remember, these guys are athletes currently competing their way through an extremely intense and extremely important part of the season as they try to secure playoff spots, playing sometimes as many as 4 games a week. Looking at it that way, it’s understandable why some of them would be hesitant about getting a shot at this particular time which we all know is going to whammy you with a nasty little bout of mild-moderate side effects that hit you like a bad cold for as much as a week. They probably don’t feel they can afford to be laid up with muscle aches, sinus suffering, fatigue, and all the other little fun (and eventually harmless in the end!) things that your body runs through while activating that initial immune response — because in the couple of days that it throws them off for, their team could play 3 or more REALLY important playoff-clinching games, which they could end up underperforming in or having to sit out.

If that is the situation you’re in, and you already feel like the current League restrictions are doing enough to protect you, you can see why you would say “I think I’ll wait and get it during the offseason/during the week break between regular season and playoffs, and just suck it up for these last few weeks dealing with the same ol lonely isolation restrictions I’ve already gotten used to dealing with all season long, rather than be hit with that curveball of possible temporary vaccine side-effects during this time when I need to give it my all every game.” That may sound like a selfish mindset, but I wouldn’t be surprised if that is how at least some of these athletes are approaching it, especially ones who may be single guys without families at home to worry about protecting. (Lehner, for the record, has a wife and two young kids).

BUT, if the League told you (or it sounded like the League told you) “Hey, if enough of your team gets vaccinated quickly, we’ll be able to lift some of the internal restrictions for you guys and let you like hang out and do stuff together within the team again”, and if you were REALLY struggling with the mental stress of that isolated living style, you might weigh the two options against each other and say “Okay, I’m willing to power through a week of potential side-effects and get vaccinated with the fellas if it means I won’t have to be so goddamn miserable and depressed every day.” and then you get the shot(s).

And if you did that, and THEN the League said “lol no, even though your team is fully immunized you still have to sit in your room alone every night and eat by yourself and not leave your house, because it’s not fair to other teams if you guys are no longer mentally miserable like them”, well now you find yourself in the worst of both worlds — still stuck in isolation, AND you’ve still got to play through all the potential vaccine side-effects that will leave you a little off your game during some of the most crucial games of the year.

Plus, that leaves you not feeling like you got to give informed consent — you agreed to get vaccinated (ie undergo a medical treatment) under the expectation that there would be certain rewards to be gained in terms of relief for your mental health, which made you decide it was worth the potential dent in your performance for a few games and any other worries you had about the vaccine, because the prospect of that relief was so worth it. And now, you are told by the League “that payoff you expected never existed, we never promised that, what are you talking about? we can’t change things for your mental health because that might make you better at hockey than the depressed unvaccinated teams”. I can understand how that turn of events could leave someone, as Robin expressed, feeling like they were “tricked” or “forced” into making a choice that they may have done differently otherwise. They felt that they were promised something in return that they didn’t get.

Note at the end of all this: Again, we still don’t know whether the NHL and NHLPA actually made any promises, or if they simply weren’t clear enough in communicating expectations to teams and the players misunderstood what was said to mean something else. Regardless, using the idea that being freed from having to be miserably isolated to an even greater degree than most of the US general public is an “unfair competitive advantage” to now justify not allowing reasonable adjustments to the restrictions for fully vaccinated teams is fucked up, and treats mental wellbeing as just another gameplay-impacting factor to be controlled rather than a deeply impactful part of a person’s overall wellbeing which can even threaten their life. The players must be treated as people.

[giantroboticplatypusbutt218]

I finished watching Loonatics Unleashed and I have Some Thoughts. I guess this is like a part 2 to the other post I made about the show so yeah.

I swear I don’t intend for everything I write to be an essay but whatever. It’s all under the cut. No massive story spoilers, but I will talk about episodes and will warn accordingly. (But who actually cares about being spoiled on the plot of Loonatics Unleashed?)

Alright so I finally figured out why Ace has laser vision. ...It’s kinda dumb but it’s because rabbits eat carrots(in cartoons). It’s... a reason at least. Still kinda sucks that it’s his only power when everyone else got 2 and some change. Kickass swords don’t count, even if they are magic. Seriously; Transformation. Duplication. Imitation. Tons of other “ation”s. They could’ve leaned into his trickster side but no. He eats carrots... so he got laser vision. Also he only ate carrots like three times in the show so wtf...

Okay so the pacing... improved somewhat in season 2. Don’t get me wrong there were still problems in some episodes but at least they learned how to build the stakes until the climax. They still sometimes went from zero to eighty after the opening credits, but at least it wasn’t zero to a hundred. Much less whiplash was had is what I’m saying. 

I don’t think I really mentioned the villains before but they’re uh... generally not very good. They’ve got cool gimmicks but most of the time they’re just two stereotypes and a cliche in a trench coat. Season 2 brought back classic anthro characters to be villains a few times, and while they still weren’t well written and just referenced old bits half the time... at least they weren’t dehumanized humans. 

I also don’t think I mentioned the animation so... it’s fine. It’s got cut corners but all cartoons do. Sometimes fight scenes look cool, sometimes they’re stiff. Sometimes the slapstick is well timed, sometimes it’s not. Sometimes the facial expressions match the voice acting, sometimes they don’t. Speaking of voice acting, it’s good. There’s not really anything stand out to perform in the first place but everyone does a good job with what they have. 

Okay random note before getting deeper into things... the intro themes were... not good. I swear the first song ended on a note that it wasn’t supposed to. The second song fixed that but added people announcing the characters which... is just worse to me. Not much else to say because I skipped them after the first few times. 

(Very mild spoilers for the general plots of episodes past this point.)

Ace and Lexi improved a little in the second season, but I still find them kinda bland. Ace still just feels like zero calorie Bugs Bunny. His wit is confined to being the leader, snarky comebacks, and some decent sleuthing skills... and that’s really it. He doesn’t really play around with the villains the way Bugs would. Ace was also supposed to have an arc learning to use his magic sword which... didn’t really happen. Lexi’s defining trait outside of her powers is still that she’s “the girl” which... sucks... Uh... she upgraded to Gamer Girl in the second season which while neat, amounted to nothing outside that one episode. At the very least she was never kidnapped for more than 5 seconds?(That “honor” goes to Zadavia) They also never really brought up their backstories in a meaningful way again, which sucks. 

I still like the rest of the team. Slam got an episode about wrestling that built on his backstory and was fun to watch. Duck discovered that his egg powers work differently in water which was neat and matched him being a waterfowl.(Lexi’s powers work differently in water too but it’s never brought up again). Rev is still Rev and I still love him. He got an episode about his family and struggle to impress them(specifically his parents) despite his career choice which was also neat, but I will be coming back to this episode later. Tech is also still Tech and I also still love him. But uh, every character and also me wanted to see him get out of the lab more, and then he got like a nibble of an episode to get out of the lab, and then the show was over. Oof.

Speaking of Tech, it might be for the best he hardly ever left the lab because his powers are... possibly way too effective against all the robots and machines the team fights. Now, him being “overpowered” could’ve been used as a fun writing challenge. Robot goons aren’t a good option for villains anymore. Fighting against him in a city filled with metal is harder. Villains can’t rely on simply killing him thanks to his regeneration. Fight scenes including Tech would have to be handled in a fun and interesting way. But... no. In a team with two tech guys, the one with super speed and flight comes with while the one who can control metal and literally can’t die stays behind. Oh well. Doubt they could’ve added him into more fights without accidentally dumbing him down anyway. 

Oh crap I forgot to talk about Zadavia! Uh... she exists. She’s the team’s boss who sends them out on missions. Uh... I can’t talk too much about her without spoiling what little overarching plot this show has, but just know that she’s neat, but affected by the usual sexism going on in the show’s writing.

(Character and episode spoilers past this point.)

You know, for being The Loonatics the main cast wasn’t very loony. You know who were though? Basically all the villains. Yeah I don’t wanna go there but oops here I go anyway. It’s pretty messed up that all the main characters’ zany traits were dialed down, while the defining feature of practically every villain (besides their stereotypes)is that they’re insane. I mean, if you’re looking for good mental illness rep in The Looney Tunes you’re gonna be disappointed, but at least in the shorts almost every character was a little unhinged and a bit of an asshole, making none of them stand out for those traits specifically. 

Also messed up is that a lot of the villains are disfigured and made fun of for it by the main cast. Hot take of the century, but I think making fun of people for having a big head or only one eye is... bad. Oh and if they’re a woman then they’re also judged on how hot they are. Actually all women in the show are subjected to sexist writing. I remember like one episode where women were treated with a sliver of respect for a split second and that was in the obligatory “the cast comes across an island of amazon women” episode. However since most of the time was spent painting them as villains until the “actually sexism is bad” ending, there was hardly a moment of reprieve from the bullshit if a woman was on screen. 

I’m not the best person to speak on this but uh... it’s fucked up that since literally every notable human is a villain, all the people of color are bad guys, right? Like, obviously it’s not as bad as some of the shit the old shorts pulled, but that’s like saying getting punched is not as bad as getting stabbed. It’s true... but I’m sure most people would prefer neither. 

And here’s where I bring up that Rev episode I mentioned earlier. Rev’s parents are racist against coyotes (cartoons sure love to make carnivores allegories for black people don’t they?) and obviously with Tech E. Coyote being his close friend, that causes trouble. ...Right? Uh, no. They say some racist crap to Tech, and that’s it. There is not even an attempt to correct their behavior from anyone. It’s just treated as some unfortunate quirk. In fact the episode’s conflict actually revolves around Rev’s brother, Rip. Honestly, I doubt that they could’ve handled a decent “racism is bad” episode anyway. But they could’ve also... just not brought up racism if they couldn’t handle it? I’m sure having no racism topic at all would be better than having Tech just take the parents’ racist bull crap lying down and then help Rev impress them with an invention he doesn’t get credit for. Also at one point Rev says if Tech wasn’t a coyote and a guy he’d kiss him, which has two uncomfortable implications, but this section is already too long. 

(Spoilers end here.)

Overall... yeah the show’s not very good. Of course it wasn’t. It was always going to be a little garbage. And no not because of the darker style or strange setting or any of that superficial crap. Team dynamic shows are popular and with Teen Titans doing so well WB probably thought they might as well shove out a 2 season Looney Tunes version to grab a little more cash, probably minimizing the budget to squeeze out as much profit as possible. If anyone working on the show was passionate about it, I doubt they had the budget or time to act on most their ideas. 

Still, there were things to like. There are some funny jokes throughout the show, a few of which even managed to come out of Ace’s mouth. Danger Duck was literally just Daffy and he’s always great. Ironically, Rev and Tech were the most fun to listen to, and also to watch interacting in general. Slam didn’t do much but was a sweetheart who deserves success. There managed to be some decently twisty twist villains, if only because Disney ruined my brain with their ceaseless and lazy attempts at them, and I wasn’t looking out for them in this show. And, while almost nothing was properly developed, at least the concepts and characters are fun to think about?

I can’t say I’d recommend this show to everybody, but uh... if you’re a Furry with low standards and too much free time like me, maybe you’ll like it? Just go in with low expectations so when nice things happen you’re decently surprised. 

[silhouettica]

Disclaimer: image shown above is not mine; source is linked to the image.

____________

It’s been a long time since I’ve written an anime review, but this one is too well-deserved to pass up.

I tend to have a love-hate relationship with the sports-shounen genre in the manga industry. On one hand, good quality stories have great characters, undeniably well-drawn images, and okay storylines... but--- technique-wise, there was just too much suspension-of-disbelief required to go on reading.

Take for instance, Kuroko no Basuke and the legendary Phantom Sixth Man who is capable of magically disappearing in court; or, there’s Prince of Tennis and the gravity-defying non-arc path that their tennis balls traverse -- OR do not traverse, as do those which avoid the Tezuka zone. Basically, most popular and long-running sports genre mangas have a tendency to go borderline fantasy in many elements, or otherwise tend to sport some rarely-seen-in-a-thousand-years genius to spice up the story, which is understandably unrealistic (after all, this is fiction we’re reading). But perhaps, after almost two decades of watching anime and reading manga, my personal preference is now leaning towards the comfort provided by the slice-of-life genre, and against typical expectations, there’s that lingering desire to taste the slice of life in a sports manga...

Enter: Haikyuu.

Haikyuu was already a famous anime when I heard that it revolved around volleyball. When I heard that, the first question that occurred to me was, How much plot can be formed around such a sport as volleyball? Don’t get me wrong -- I’ve only ever been involved in two fields of sports: one is track and field, and the other is volleyball, so I at least like the sport. But since we’re used to being exposed to mangas centering around basketball or some martial arts, a story revolving around volleyball was foreign territory. But it was already famous, and with fame comes expectations --- thus, for fear of suffering from failed expectations, I deferred, or more like skipped out on Haikyuu.

But, well, with FB Watch capable of being a demonic source of temptation, Haikyuu showed up in my Watch Feed, and poof! - I was hooked. Manga was finished in less than a few weeks, and episodes repeatedly watched on FB (still ongoing, haha). In my personal list of top mangas, it has far surpassed even One Piece. It’s that good.

What’s so attractive about Haikyuu is that above being refreshing character and plot-wise, it was also obviously painstakingly created with so much attention to detail, in terms of the technical aspects of volleyball. I mean, just watch the videos contrasting Haikyuu to real-life volleyball matches - there’s almost no difference to be seen. The accuracy is admirable. In this regard, suspension of disbelief is very minimized --- well, except for the repeated overtime in matches; but if they stuck to the usual 15 or 25pt matches, we wouldn’t have much screentime to make a viable story, now, would we? So it’s an understandable adjustment to accommodate for the sake of cultivating the story.

Beyond this, Haikyuu boasts of a roster of interesting and complex characters littered throughout the storyline. Honestly, I can’t hate any single one of them. Your heart would go out to every character in every team. It’s amazing how the mangaka depicted each character differently, with all their bias and flaws, besides their refreshingly non-OP strengths, all combined to portray each individual’s humanity. And gah, when they’re made to mix together - the rapport between and amongst such variety of personalities is just fascinating to behold. And then comes character development - whoosh. How one person’s evolution affects the quality of a team’s mixture is another feast to behold. So much respect for this mangaka for bringing to life such abundance of quality complex characters. Seriously. Shounen x Sports x Slice of life + epic ups and downs + epic ending arc (MOST SATISFYING ENDING TO SPORTS GENRE EVER).

This is plain epic.

At first glance, any reader/follower would be drawn to the main characters - there’s Kageyama, Hinata, Ushijima, Oikawa, etc., all those OP-level players (or at least potentially so, for Hinata). 

Well, Hinata is the main character, as the story is dominantly affected by his actions and skill development. Watching his character growth is a treat, in and of itself. Seriously. Hinata may be boke at times, but isn’t really stupid. He’s just less-skilled than others (understandably so, given his lack of experience), but he more than makes up for it with his bottomless enthusiasm. And that innocence... Kawaii~. His love for the game is just contagious. Freakin’ want to buy a volleyball just to start playing on my own.

Kageyama may be called a genius setter, but really, he’s far from being the complete package. And he’s one of the more complex characters that really steals your heart. Like Hinata, he just overflows with love for the game, but his innocence is of a different level. After being shown his blindspot, he tempers his snobbishness, and literally BEGS for help --- I mean, look how he bows to Tsukishima for help in acads, or towards his senior Oikawa, in order to improve in volleyball. He’s mostly snobbish only towards those who don’t do their best (besides being just plain socially awkward). But he’s a very good kouhai, and it’s especially touching how he and Hinata paved the way for Asahi’s attack against Date Tech. I appreciate that he’s not so OP-level that he didn’t need anyone to improve -- he was helped by their coach, he was helped by Oikawa, there’s his senpais guiding him somewhat, etc. He’s not the Echizen-type who can learn on his own. He has so many blindspots, but he listens and asks for help once he’s shown that they exist.

There are a wealth of other characters worth mentioning, but recently, when I think of relating to the characters, what I easiest to resonate with are Yamaguchi and Ennoshita. Tsukki is another runner-up, being one who’s overly phlegmatic, with a defeating inferiority complex, but with a taste for vengeance... Bokuto’s answer to his existential question on why they play volleyball was very insigtful --- you don’t enjoy volleyball probably because you suck in it. HAHAHA. Isn’t that true for all of us - how we superficially hate some things when actually it’s because we just aren’t good at them. But at the very least, Tsukishimi Kei has so many qualities that puts him above others, it’s hard to compare oneself to him. On the other hand, there’s Yamaguchi the one-trick pony and Ennoshita the returning quitter. Sometimes I think of quitting when the academic “training” gets tough, but coming to think of Yama, I’m reminded that this is my one sword. The only reason he enters the court is as a pinch server - apart from that, there’s nothing else. So if he gets cold feet and settles for an easy serve, he forfeits the right to enter the court. If he lets go of the jump float serve, he has nothing else. Similarly, there’s Ennoshita who actually quit the team, but returned because the comfort became uncomfortable... I dunno if I’m the only one who’se quit in at least one point of my life, and took an easy way out or through something, but Ennoshita’s lesson is true for all of us - we’d regret quitting. Quitting is a no-go.

Anyway, I can’t describe all the other characters, else, this would be too long. But it’s just so amazing how Haruichi Furudate was able to create so many complex characters, each with their own backstories (okay, unrealistically, no sob stories here since this isn’t a drama) and no antagonist to hate, but the story was was just so complete and wholesome. I mean, take the Nekoma team, for one - they’re supposed to be Karasuno’s biggest rival, but they’re the ones who gave them a fighting chance to improve. Sportsmanship really dwells high on this one. Bokutooo, that once-spoiled ace... Oikawa, that snobbish great king who only recognized Kageyama as his junior when talking to Ushijima... The side characters who made up each respective team’s coaching, managerial, and cheer squad... There’s just so many personalities to admire and be thankful to the author for.

Haikyuu is truly a story about volleyball --- it’s not a story about inter-high, it’s not a story about high school; rather it’s a story that explores the different aspects surrounding volleyball - from childhood, as between friends, to high school and inter-high competitions, to the coaches and managers and trainings behind the scenes, to (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!) in-house vs. beach volleyball, to a professional career and international competitions. It’s really volleyball in different seasons of lives of a variety of people.

One poignant fact is that for most people, playing sports would be limited to high school. After inter-high, teammates would separate and a new team will be formed, year after year. That’s why it’s so precious how (SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!) the manga showed the fanatic-highchoolers-turned-professional players being watched by their previous volleyball teammates and competitiors --- something I’ve never seen in other sports mangas (which mostly had to do with players getting some injury, going to rehab and recuperating, and so). Previous teammates faced each other as competition, and previous rivals became comrades. It’s just. so. epic.

Anyway, thank you,  Haruichi Furudate-san. May the anime remain top-notch in quality. Viva Haikyuu!!

[hopevalley]

Season 8, Episode 9: Pre-Wedding Jitters

Y’all know what’s wild? The season is coming to a close! I feel like we just got started with Season 8, and it’s already nearly over. I’m not ready for things to end...except the love triangle. Lol.

One important thing I want to talk about, before we move on to my regularly scheduled episode write-up, of course, is the quality of the writing and filming this season. I really feel like the team took a step back and thought very carefully about how to improve the show, and then they went through the effort of actively trying to improve things. 

Are there still badly-written areas of the show? Absolutely. Are there things I loathe seeing? Yes. Are there plotlines that are extremely contrived even by Hallmark standards? Unfortunately there are.

But I don’t think anyone can deny that the writing this season is, overall, an improvement over Seasons 5, 6, and 7. The only thing that I feel about S8 that is worse than 5/6/7 is the love triangle, but it had to come to a head eventually so it was always going to be a point of contention among the fans.

I’ve seen a ton of negativity going around the Internet, and you are all entitled to your opinions, but let’s hold back from being too angry until we see how things will work out. After all, there is a chance, however small, that Hallmark will end up surprising us.

So here’s to hoping that the writing quality uptick will continue as we move into Season 9.

And now, our plotlines from this episode:

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

The Wedding Planning/Party

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, pastor position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

This was another episode that felt pretty smooth in its storytelling; it had some smaller plots going on, but two primarily large plots, a smaller one that revolved around Henry, and then a few small (connected) plots from previous episodes/that overarched the whole season!

Sorry for the muddle by the way, it took me hours to type this and I’m too tired to read it over thoroughly before posting. If you see any glaring issues please let me know so I can fix them, though!

--

The Dilapidated Love Triangle

Let’s just get the pig slop out of the way, shall we? I think we are all in some sort of agreement by now that we’re tired of the triangle and just want to see it resolved as soon as possible so that we can get on with our lives and invest our interests in the right place(s). 

I also believe most of us are also in some kind of agreement, however we feel about the characters, the triangle, and who Elizabeth’s choice should be, that this thing has been very poorly paced. This sentiment seems to be echoed across the Internet right now. The pacing is AWFUL. After two years of almost nothing happening, now we’re going to bullrush to the end of the triangle? That’s a yikes from me, Chief. (Wait, didn’t I say that last week, too?)

I was never a fan of the narrated beginnings of episodes. I think they’re really tacky and boring. That said, there’s no other way to get into Elizaeth’s head easily because...I don’t know. Either Erin isn’t that skilled or the director doesn’t know how to direct her, or the script sucks. They struggle SO MUCH with show-don’t-tell that they have to resort to telling...which is fine, sometimes. This is an instance where telling is just mega redundant since she says the same exact thing probably 10 more times in the episode. I wish they’d have just kept the first part of the reflection or focused more on that—how Nathan talking about it...makes it feel fresh and raw again in a way she didn’t expect.

Anyway, Elizabeth writing that she’s been “left to reflect, once more, on the senseless accident that took [Jack’s] life” is ridiculous. Senseless? He was in charge of the training mission, but unless I’m losing every last marble I’ve ever had, wasn’t it Jack’s choice to go after the younger recruits who had been separated? Wasn’t it thanks to Jack’s quick thinking and intervention that only one person lost his life that day (Jack himself)? 

This is where the whole “Jack died heroically” thing kind of matters, actually. Especially when you butt it up against Nathan being the original person intended to go. Would he have risked his life like that? We’ll never know, but I’m sure Nathan thinks about it a lot, and it’s not something that should be left out of this story.

It’s valid for Elizabeth to wonder why Nathan kept the Secret hidden from her for almost three years, but what is really troublesome is the weird shift she seems to have between Casual Curiosity and Stricken Grief about it.

I grew tired of mopey Elizabeth in S4 and 5, so I’m not happy to see her back. Fewer eye drops, please. -_-

Anyway, it almost felt like a breakthrough when Elizabeth asked Rosemary why she thought Nathan took so long to tell her about Fort Clay, but Rosemary’s response was so bad. “He didn’t think it was important enough.” WHAT? WHO WOULD SAY THAT? Rosemary can be a bit thick-headed but that was almost too contrived for me to willingly follow. Anyone with a brain would realize it was IMPORTANT and THAT WAS WHY IT WAS A SECRET.

And when Elizabeth’s like, “Not important enough?” BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY IT IS IMPORTANT... Rosemary just tells her that Jack’s death wasn’t Nathan’s fault.

Which. She’s right. But that doesn’t make the secret unimportant. It’s still kind of a big deal. He’s confessed to being in love with Elizabeth multiple times now. Even Rosemary can’t be so dumb that she doesn’t realize that the connection between Jack’s death and Nathan is...meaningful, especially to Elizabeth. And that Nathan knew this and couldn’t bring himself to tell her because he knew it would hurt her.

Anyway, I’m doing my best to give Elizabeth a bit of grace here, because she’s just so self-centered I almost can’t stand it. To be clear, Elizabeth has ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THIS. It’s just that usually the issues at hand aren’t about her, they’re about someone else. 

Rosemary’s right but what she said was straight-up stupid. I don’t know, I don’t think the characters are out of character so much as the dialogue just didn’t flow very naturally and I felt like the characters were making assumption jumps to force certain responses. If Elizabeth can’t agree with Rosemary that Jack’s death isn’t Nathan’s fault, then she should have expressed that a bit more directly so that Rosemary could draw the conclusion that Elizabeth does feel it’s Nathan’s fault. It came across like Rosemary was speaking to the audience more than to Elizabeth, and I didn’t like it.

--

The most delightful scene in the entire episode has to go to Allie and Lucas. That was so cute and wholesome and good. Her asking if she could sit at the bar, him offering her a treat, her trying to return the gift ‘cause she felt caught in the middle and like it wasn’t fair to accept it... SO GOOD. They remembered the gift multiple episodes later AND incorporated it into this episode flawlessly. LOVED IT. 

Also, she asked an important question. LUCAS...where DO YOU LIVE?!

His story was a bit silly but I actually enjoyed it. It gives him a more playful vibe and also I think was almost entirely to ensure that Allie felt more comfortable and less anxious about what was happening around her. It was also his way of reassuring her that him courting Elizabeth wasn’t going to take Elizabeth out of Allie’s life...and that things will be okay.

I enjoyed it.

Things were a bit awkward with Elizabeth and Allie but they felt...better than before, so I felt like the conversation helped.

--

Lucas calling Allie “Allie Grant” was nice now that her adoption is official! I appreciate that.

Elizabeth and Lucas talk about how Lucas told Allie he’ll “work things out” with Nathan and Elizabeth definitely doesn’t appreciate it, and with somewhat good reason: she doesn’t like being caught in the middle of things any more than Allie does.

The thing is...she has had the power...all this time...to tell Nathan straight-up to leave her alone/that she isn’t interested. I stand by what I said before, that she shouldn’t have to tell him no for him to respect the boundaries she’s set, but if he’s not respecting those boundaries she needs to be firm about it.

I like how Lucas comes off in this scene. He wants to understand, he listens, he’s patient, he doesn’t push. I’m here for it.

She tells him what Nathan told her and he seems a bit overwhelmed by it, too. It’s pretty clear that he realizes she must be feeling all kinds of things after finding that out, especially after all this time. 

Again, for the second time, Elizabeth doesn’t seem all that grief-stricken about the secret being kept from her for so long: she tells Lucas she just doesn’t understand how he could keep it from her. 

He asks permission to suss out an answer and Elizabeth politely declines and says she’ll ask herself, but to please forgive her, she needs some time to...think.

She watches Lucas go and then...touches her wedding band.

-

Nathan meets Rosemary in the library and goes on a long boring monologue about how he’s read like, three whole books that women wrote, but still doesn’t understand women. No shit, sherlock. That was terrible writing...just straight up bad writing.

But I’m not exactly surprised because the very next thing that happens is that Rosemary tells Nathan...she’s been in his eXACT position before!

No...you have not. Yes, you were the unwanted third wheel, but that’s where the similarities ended, and you should have clarified. This just didn’t hit well for me, I don’t know. I don’t want to say it’s out of character, but...I don’t think Rosemary is this soft gentle personality anyway. I feel like she was always a bit more in your face with the things she said, not “try to encourage a manner of action in a very roundabout way” like she is in this episode. But again, without a logic jump from Rosemary, this scene doesn’t quite work.

I think I might have preferred Rosemary to play dumb and ask what specifically he didn’t understand about women. Make him freakin’ say it. And then she could react better. 

--

We get Love Confession #3 or whatever we’re on with Nathan, now. Let’s go over the entire scene.

Elizabeth walks into Nathan’s office and instantly asks him why it took him so long to tell her what happened.

He says he felt guilty and when she tells him she doesn’t understand, he goes on to say that after the accident he requested a transfer to Hope Valley. He never met Jack but he knew he’d left behind a wife and child, and felt it was his responsibility to look after them and protect them.

She asks why he would assume that, and he explains that he felt it was his duty. And that when he found himself falling in love with her, he felt like he was betraying Jack and his memory. That’s why he didn’t tell her.

He then takes it ONE STEP TOO FAR and says, “I fell in love with you, and I think that love is always worth fighting for.” 

Elizabeth says “Excuse me,” and leaves. Nathan’s face afterward is maybe a decent mix of “I probably shouldn’t have said that” and regret, but...woof.

Anyway, I was fine with this up to the point where Nathan said, completely unprompted, that love is always worth fighting for. How does he know? What are his experiences with love? Books he read, written by men??? PLEASE.

READ PRIDE & PREJUDICE U SWINE... ELIZABETH FALLS IN LOVE WITH MR. DARCY BECAUSE HE DECIDES HE WANTS TO CHANGE AND BE A BETTER MAN AND THEN DOES SOOOOOOOOO oh wait this is turning into an Elizabeth/Henry argument...OOPS?

Anyway, yeah. Not a fan of that line. It almost feels like there’s something missing. She’s standing in front of him about to cry because she feels hurt that he didn’t tell her this, you know, crucial information, and he’s just like “Yeah I didn’t tell u cause I love you and felt like i was betraying jack’s memory and also lol love is worth fighting for babe!” What kind of confusing mess of babble is this?

Honestly, it just left a bad taste in my mouth. :( I have so many really obnoxious opinions about Nathan and what they’ve done with him this season, but I feel like I should save them for a season summary podcast or something, just in case Hallmark ends up surprising me. Right now I just feel like they really just wanted to give him what the fans hated about him (he wasn’t passionate enough, not manly enough, not forward enough with his emotions, at least from what I read on Reddit and Instagram last year), but in like THE WORST POSSIBLE WAYS and for the wORST POSSIBLE REASONS in the VERY WORST SCENARIO.

I feared that would be Nathan’s reason for coming to town from the moment the character was announced and...I wanted to be wrong.

Anyway, I really liked his self-awareness up to that point. He never met Jack, which keeps some of the weirdness at bay. Also, he felt like he needed to make sure Jack’s family was okay, and that’s fine. I wouldn’t call it noble (as Rosemary later does), but it’s not exactly bad, either. Then we got the line of him admitting that it felt kind of bad to fall in love with her. I wish he’d gone on to say that wasn’t supposed to happen, or even given her a reason he loves her (so that it doesn’t feel like we’re just being told everything), because his line about love being worth fighting for right after he says he felt like he was betraying Jack’s memory by loving her...was...really strange??? Maybe a few sentences were edited out? 

--

Elizabeth tries to refuse to play Fiona’s blindfold game and LITERALLY NO ONE SAVES HER (though I think Rosemary considered trying). I hate the idea of this game solely based on the fact that several people participating shouldn’t even be there (Nathan, Bill, Mike, Fiona, Molly), but Elizabeth wouldn’t be able to accidentally choose Nathan if he wasn’t there, so... -_-

I think I might have actually liked this (her “no” with Carson was super cute actually, probably the cutest laugh she’s ever had on this show) if she’d had the chance to reject a few more guys on the way down the line. If she was closer to the end of the line she’d feel her options were running out and might second-guess herself. Having Nathan be the second person she touches and having her choose is...eh.

Nitpicks aside (their hands wouldn’t feel the same and she held Lucas’s hand quite recently actually), it could have been worse. At least she stated who she was searching for...

BUT UGH THE EMBARRASSMENT.

The thing that gets me about the whole scene is 100% that everyone in town would know about the Triangle drama, so it feels...weird to see everyone so gung-ho to watch this happen... I don’t know... I like having fun too, but NOBODY even TRIED to step in??? 

At least Lucas found some humor in it right away (he smiles). 

I think I wish someone had said something. Maybe Nathan could have said, “Nope, sorry” to lighten the mood a bit? Or Lucas could have said, “Almost!” since he was standing right next to Nathan?

--

Anyway, we’re spared having to wait because the very next scene is Lucas checking on Elizabeth and laughing about her choice.

One line I wish they’d added in is that someone else got it wrong. Imagine if Lucas said, “At least you didn’t pick Bill like Clara did!” Or even just made a joke about it in general like: “Of course I’m not upset. But if you would have picked Bill I might be a little hurt. My hands aren’t that old yet.”

Elizabeth tells him that she spoke to Nathan about the whole...thing and it was awkward. She chooses to not tell Lucas the rest of the reason Nathan gave, but instead only admits that he told her he loves her again. When Lucas asks what she said in response she said she didn’t say anything.

Lucas seems...a trifle upset at this, and understandably so. I think he can sense she’s...not really a sure thing and is worried about it. :( I feel so bad for him right now.

--

Rosemary stops by to see Elizabeth after Lucas leaves, and tells her she ran into Nathan at the library yesterday. Elizabeth tells her what Nathan said in his office and Rosemary says it was noble and selfless of him.

(I mean...it wasn’t selfless. Like at all.)

Elizabeth says she never asked him to be noble. She didn’t ask him to fall in love with her, either.

She asks Rosemary if she encouraged Nathan’s feelings for her at the library. Rosemary says no, but Elizabeth asks again and she interrupts her to ask Elizabeth if she’d rather hear what she actually said or just assume.

Rosemary goes on to say that she just wants what’s best for Elizabeth.

And we get Elizabeth asking how anyone would know what was best for her.

I mean, that’s like 90% on you for not communicating with your friends, but also, it’s 100% on you for just assuming you knew what Rosemary said to Nathan. I think she’s just looking for a reason why Nathan is being so persistent and in her mind encouragement from someone else is the only thing that makes sense, ‘cause she sure as heck hasn’t been encouraging him herself!

This hurts Rosemary’s feelings, probably because she was about to say that she wants what’s best for Elizabeth so she asked Nathan to stop getting in the way lol, and says maybe she should leave (since Elizabeth is in a bad mood). Elizabeth agrees she should go.

End episode. On this note. Woof.

Overall it wasn’t too bad I guess? But I’m not a fan of how some of this was written. It really felt like they cut lines out to make the episode shorter, when...they could have cut out one of the boring side plots. You know. The entire thing with Jesse and Clara, for example. 

--

The Wedding Planning/Party

I admit that I got a little enjoyment out of Florence saying no to all the dresses. Highly relatable. 

Then, at the barbershop, Fiona says the exact wORST possible thing about Florence wanting a hairstyle that’ll “knock Ned dead” FLHDSFAJDSA.

Florence goes on to say she wants anything but “ordinary Florence” and Molly steps in.

Honestly, I wish they’d just let Molly stick to being Florence’s BFF because that’s the role she plays best. Also, I’m almost sad Florence and Ned got together because it means #teamflomo is no mo’. :(

Paul shows up...

I don’t know what I expected but this boy would have been a literal BABY in season one, which makes the whole thing with Florence almost sadder AND it gives Florence more in common with Elizabeth (widow with a young child) BUT I HAVE OPINIONS.

I know what you’re thinking. “Manna, you always have opinions!” Yes, you’d be right. 

They based this off of ONE (1) line of dialogue that Florence had in S1 when something was stolen from her house. She says, “while my child slept nearby” or something like that.

They brought a child in...for that? On one hand...I’m impressed.

On the other hand, I kind of had just assumed they’d retconned that and that Florence had no children (which is why she was always goofing off gossiping with Molly) so I don’t really know how to feel about the whole thing.

Rosaleen starred in an episode and never showed up again after S1, so I think I’d have preferred to see her return instead of a child we literally never laid eyes on. But he’s a cutie. And he’s named after his father just like little Jack so...I’ll take it!

--

The party begins and we have to do “the men are stupid and don’t know how to plan” again which is really annoying. The highlight of this entire thing was Ned saying (about his hairline) that he’s been driving with the top down since his 30s. I respect you AND ONLY YOU, Ned.

--

The party continues on and they play charades. Rosemary chose weird awful options that don’t make any sense and are hard to act out. Ned’s could have been funny but the one Bill got is just...so weird.

The funniest part about it is looking at everyone staring at Molly as she guesses it.

I think it was supposed to be...cute? Or something? It was just really weird for me.

“Cuddle up a little Closer, Lovey Mine” (yes, it’s “lovey” not “lovely”) was written and recorded in 1908. You can listen to it here. Lyrics here.

They then play the Most Awkward Game Ever, one that would have had me sweating bullets if I’d had to play it. Florence has to find her man by only holding the hands of the other men.

As Fiona says, it’s a bit...risqué, but Florence rejects Jesse quickly and finds out the second man is Bill by squeezing his hands too hard.

Bill explains that his arthritis is flaring up and of course Sara and I jumped on that almost at the same moment:

We like Bill. :P

And then Florence correctly guesses that the next man is Ned. It’s very wholesome and sweet.

But then it’s Elizabeth’s turn because I guess she’s not been traumatized enough this episode. I covered that in the triangle part of the plot, though.

--

The New & Improved Henry Gowen

We start off with a BANG here with Henry and Christopher. Christopher misses Rachel because he’s a twitterpated little FOOL and he tells Henry all about it...while Henry sees Bill tearing apart the stolen car in the distance.

He asks Christopher how he got to Hope Valley from Hamilton and Christopher just straight up comes clean about it: he drove a stolen car that his buddy stole. 

Henry scolds him a bit, tells him he can’t borrow a stolen car, and explains that he doesn’t want Christopher to end up like him. Christopher seems kind of surprised by this and says, “You turned out good.” 

To which Henry replies, “The jury’s still out on that.” 

Christopher says he’s done with that kind of thing, and Henry tells him he believes him.

Honestly, Henry’s “I believe you” got to me. It sounded SO genuine. And also, can I say YET AGAIN that this kid was an impeccable choice to play Henry’s son? WOW. I can’t get over how much alike they are even in mannerisms and looks.

But THEN when Henry tries to say Rachel has something to do with Christopher being done with that old lifestyle, Christopher tells him “And you” AND I ALMOST LOST IT. SOOOOO GOOD. Henry goes on to explain that “long after” he divorced Christopher’s mom, he met Abigail, who saw the potential for goodness in him. And that he can’t help Christopher be a better man because he’s still figuring that out for himself, but if he thinks Rachel can help him, he should do what he can to not lose her.

--

Later, Henry invites Christopher to Ned’s party and Christopher declines but asks what happened to the woman Henry mentioned earlier—Abigail, of course. Henry says she left town to help her mother.

Is this a...hint of things to come? I’m...not sure.

Henry sits down for two seconds before Lucas asks to speak with him outside. Once there, Lucas admits that he contacted Christopher. This is one of the most contrived plotlines we’ve had in a bit, if only because I just can’t figure out how Lucas would have known who Christopher was, let alone whether or not he would be useful? He doesn’t even have the same last name... I mean, what, did Henry write in sparkly gel pens or something? 

But for some reason he contacted Christopher to come work for Henry to keep an eye on him. He’s not proud of having done it, which makes sense. I guess I wouldn’t be either.

Henry’s upset about it. Lucas tells Henry that he took advantage of him and that he had to make sure Henry could be trusted.

Christopher doesn’t know that Lucas told him, though, and Henry asks that Lucas keep it that way.

It makes Christopher’s behavior with Lucas make more sense (when he kept trying to push him around earlier this season), but the timing is just...awful? Maybe talking to Elizabeth about Nathan’s secret made him feel guilty about his own? I’d buy into it more if I felt like there was a really compelling reason for Lucas to feel that Christopher would do any good...but it’s just too contrived for me.

--

Christopher randomly decides to go to Bellingham to see Rachel. Henry tells him not to make trouble if her parents ask him to leave. Henry makes to leave, and Christopher stops him.

I CANNOT SING THE PRAISES OF THIS SCENE ENOUGH. Christopher tries to tell Henry about the thing with Lucas and Henry’s like...you’re different now, you’re starting over it doesn’t matter anymore!!!! Everyone deserves a second chance!

AND THEY HUG AND CHRISTOPHER TELLS HENRY HE LOVES HIM.

They almost got me to cry. ALMOST. I refuse to cry at this show because I refuse to give Brian Bird the satisfaction, but boy oh boy was this close.

Henry responds with a “me too” and makes Christopher promise to write. Then the stage leaves and that is that.

The rest of the storyline for Henry is under the car investigation. They’re related but...only intertwine at the very end so I separated them. ;)

--

Miscellaneous (Car Investigation, Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara, Carson and Faith, Mike and Fiona)

Car investigation: Nathan starts this episode off on the wrong foot. I think that was...a mistake. THAT SAID...I’m relieved Bill isn’t being written as a complaining whiny pile of trash for once, so I just want to say that...they had to realize after last episode the fan opinion of Nathan would be...not great, so mayyybe they shouldn’t have started this episode off with him literally complaining about doing his job...while he’s in uniform no less. Also he has NO PASSION at all for his job, or for investigating, which I hope means he’ll end up quitting the Mounties. (It could be a hint of things to come...I hope.) 

I mean, does he think Bill got his position for...no reason? Also, thank God Nathan turned down the promotion to Inspector if that was how he was gonna treat actually doing the work?? I’m pretty sure this is their idea of “humor” but boy did it fall flat after the love triangle mess that’s been going on.

The owner talks to Nathan on the phone later and is coming from Hamilton to get his car. Nathan seems to be telling Bill this to discourage him from wasting his time investigating, but Bill doesn’t want to stop lol.

Ned’s comment from the party about his hairline being him “driving with the top down” gives Bill an Idea in the middle of the bachelor party and leaves. Ned looks shook that he produced An Idea.

And follows. Ned is absolutely adorable as he assists Bill. They should interact more?? Long story short, Bill figures out that the top was probably up when it was being transported to Hope Valley (as you wouldn’t want people getting a good look at your face if they’re looking for a stolen car), and finds a footprint in the removable top.

The next day, Bill approaches Henry up at the oil derricks and comments on the fact that Lucas told him that Christopher checked out of his room at the saloon. Henry is up front and honest about where Christopher went, and says he went to Bellingham to see Rachel Thom.

He says, “You know how it is. You love someone, you’d do anything for them.”

The one interesting thing about this comment is that...no, Bill does NOT know. He’s never admitted to being in love in his life. He married Nora, but that was out of obligation (something he makes clear several times). Like, he obviously cared about Nora, but he wasn’t in love with her.

Obviously he’s loved someone enough to do anything for them (his son), but considering he’s dead, and possibly died in a really traumatizing way considering how it’s portrayed, that seems a bit...insensitive. :P

Bill counters it with, “Almost anything, maybe.” 

He then goes on to tell Henry he found a footprint in the stolen car.

And he just. Kind of. Gives Henry. A look. Because he knows exactly who stole the car, he just has to prove it.

Henry stops Bill and says: “A while back I remarked about how you had never solved the mine disaster. Perhaps if you and I get together, I might be able to help.”

Bill doesn’t say a THING...he just leaves. But he looks kind of...put off by the whole thing.

Like he knows what Henry is doing.

Do you know what Henry is doing?

Anything.

For someone he loves.

(Pst. That someone is Christopher.)

As soon as Bill is gone, he picks up a pair of shoes and throws them into the fire.

I think it’s pretty clear that Henry is using this mine disaster thing to protect Christopher, and he’s doing it for this reason WAY MORE than he’s doing it to come clean and be a better man. That’s just my theory, though. I think if Bill hadn’t found anything out about the car, then Henry wouldn’t have brought it up.

But I guess he knows something. The question is...what? And also, when did he mention Bill never having solved the mine disaster? I’m really struggling to remember Henry ever saying that to him, at least not recently. Does anyone recall offhand?

Anyway, I’m wondering if they’ll tie up that whole thing about Noah and Peter that was never addressed on the show to the fullest. You know, the whole thing with them going into the mine knowing it wasn’t safe and not warning anyone. I think a lot of people who watch this show have never been in poverty or lived paycheck to paycheck, but sometimes a person just has to put their head down and keep working even when it’s not safe, because they have to keep living. Or because they had more time to put a stop to things before anything bad happened.

I think blaming Noah and Peter as much as Henry is pretty stupid, but they still shoulder some blame. They were working to fix that problem. Henry wasn’t. He did what he was told and shut up. But maybe there’s a bit more to that story. Could be interesting.

Could also be the worst reveal ever, so...who knows? I’m curious to find out.

BUT ALSO what do they mean Bill didn’t solve that case? The widows sued and won. Sure, he got beat up in S1 carrying evidence out of the mine, but it’s not as if there wasn’t a lot more of it inside the mine, too. Everyone knows the fault of the collapse was due to working conditions being unsafe. What’s left to solve? Is Henry going to give Bill the names of the people who told Henry to keep his mouth shut? 

Or...are they talking NOT ABOUT THE HOPE VALLEY MINE DISASTER, but the original one that sent Henry to Coal Valley (and Nora into a marriage with Bill)? Because that one was not solved. The company just made Henry a scapegoat in that case.

THE WAIT TO FIND OUT MORE IS GOING TO BE TORTURE.

--

Pastor Position/Jesse and Clara + Cafe: I enjoyed Minnie in this episode and seeing her step in and help Clara and become part of the town was great. Jesse giving more credit to Joseph than Lee was pretty funny, and a nice set-up for Lee realizing that Joseph is a pastor. Lee is apparently head of the search committee to find a new pastor...which...sure...okay. Also apparently the newspaper died?? Uh.

I’m kind of hoping Rosemary’s new passion will be the newspaper since she’s supposedly going to dig her nose into things next episode and she used to write a column for the old paper (so she has some experience). Thoughts on that?

Anyway, Joseph agrees to pastor the church instantly the second Lee asks...so it feels weird that his original goal/plans/whatever just...don’t matter anymore? Okay.

They buy a bell.................WHICH BRINGS ME TO MY BIGGEST PETTY COMPLAINT OF THE EPISODE. BRO THAT BELL STRAIGHT UP LOOKS 3D PRINTED FJLKDSAHFLDSAHFLDSAHFKLDSA

Anyway I’m teasing. The Liberty Bell weighs a little over one ton, and two horses could easily pull that.

No complaints. My husband complained last week that there wasn’t a bell and now there is. It’s like he knew. 

Joseph talks about what a “calling” feels like (I think this will come back again with Rosemary which has me VERY HAPPY): a tug on his heart.

Joseph also tells Lee that the men in his yard earlier were surveyors and that he won’t move, at least not far, because he has a congregation to lead, now. Makes me wonder if he’ll actually sell!

Anyway, Jesse and Mike are cute pals and decide to have a snack in the cafe while the gals are socializing with Rosemary (who has just returned from the library).

Rosemary’s books are on land acquisitions, surveying, and territorial law. 

Minnie and Rosemary decide to talk about this while Clara leaves. Why? I’m not sure. Maybe just ‘cause it was boring lol.

She gets back as Mike and Jesse are talking about, uh, her, actually, and Mike asks if all is quiet on the homefront.

Yes, it is. Unlike the trenches of WWI.

But seriously I thought it could be a joke reference to “All Quiet on the Western Front”...a WWI novel. Since...you know...WWI is going on and hasn’t been acknowledged at all even though it’s almost over now.

Joke’s on me, though...that’s too advanced for Hallmark.

Anyway it’s only quiet for like two seconds, because Clara busts in, thinks they’re eating the food she’s been busting her ass over for the party, and yells at Jesse. It makes everything awkward. Jesse simpers about like a sad little clown instead of trying to be understanding. Yawn. Awful. Bye.

I don’t know what would fix that scene, but I think part of the problem is...I’m just not invested in Clara and Jesse anymore. It’s perfectly reasonable to expect them to need more time to get over the problems in their relationship but I don’t care about them enough to care about the journey...if that makes sense. I’d rather watch Bill dust for prints on the car some more.

They do have a chat, and work things out, so that’s good I guess.

--

Carson and Faith: Carson has officially stolen the dock from Abigail and Frank, and so my hatred for them doubled instantly.

Me, a territorial loon: THAT SPOT IS NOT YOURS!!!!! FIND YOUR OWN!!!

Anyway Carson makes things awkward and then busts out that he accepted the fellowship without talking to Faith.

She’s kind of hurt by this?? UNDERSTANDABLY?? But then he asks if it would have made a difference. I mean, common courtesy would be at least sitting down like this and telling her, “I’ve decided to accept it.” But no. He just. Accepted it without telling her he was going to. Bro...

They aren’t on the same page for even two seconds. He tells her he was committed to the relationship and put all his plans aside so that she could be happy.

Honestly, as much hate as Nathan’s getting right now, if people gave a damn about Faith I think Carson would be getting his fair share of hate, too. What a jerk???

He goes on to say it wasn’t a waste of his time (when she asks), but never bothers to tell her more or to prove he didn’t feel that way (BECAUSE HE SURE ACTS LIKE IT WAS A WASTE OF HIS TIME). He just says he hopes she changes her mind and comes with him to Baltimore.

At the party Carson and Faith go outside to talk where Carson admits that he should have told her he was accepting the fellowship before he wrote. She tells him that the year she was gone was almost too much time apart for her, and Carson promises to write her and tells her she can visit him, too, but she brings the conversation back to reality. They’ll both be super busy. 

He suggests they get married, and then immediately says he’s not asking (it’s not how he’d propose), but that they could look forward to getting married. (Good thing they laughed ‘cause I sure wasn’t. It was super awkward...) He suggests seeing how they feel in about a year. (Oh...perfect timing for...next season...hm.)

Faith tells him she loves him and wants what’s best for both of them, even if that thing isn’t them being together. They agree to just enjoy the night and worry about the rest later.

Anyway, I feel like these two just have NO chemistry (they’re worse than Bill and Molly in my books). I really appreciate the attempt to give them meaningful material, and I like that Carson has a passion again, but boy oh boy are these two hard to watch. The plotline is really good, but the characters just...aren’t great. I figured if anything they’d give a plot like this to AJ and Bill to tie that up (some kind of conflicting reason she can’t stay in Hope Valley to be written off the show for good) so I was surprised to see it going to Carson and Faith instead, but like...in a good way because it’s actually compelling for their situation! I've been in a similar situation and it feels REALLY BAD to like someone a lot but not be ready or willing to commit to an extreme for whatever reason. Faith doesn’t want to go to Baltimore because she loves Hope Valley and she undoubtedly doesn’t want to see it go without a doctor at all. Carson likes Hope Valley but his passion is in surgery and he can make a huge difference in a big hospital. He could still make a difference in Hope Valley, too (undoubted he’s the only surgeon for many miles around these smaller towns) but he also likes hospitals and their equipment and maybe misses what he had a long time ago.

So it’s a great plot. It’s compelling. It’s even a bit tragic when you think about it!

But my God do these characters just...not come off as convincing. :(

--

Mike and Fiona: The scene with Ned was SUPER cute. Genuinely funny. Mike asking Fiona out. Everyone teasing Mike about how much he likes her. It’s very cute and wholesome. So far I enjoy it a lot. There’s not a lot to talk about here but I like that it’s...simple.

I MEAN...she’s so cute.

--

END THOUGHTS:

I want the next three episodes right now immediately, but I’m also going to be pretty sad when this season ends...I think.

The biggest speculation from this episode, by the way, is that they’re opening things up to write Abigail back onto the show. How do we feel about that? 

Any other thoughts? Favorite scenes? Share!

[kiribakuhappiness]

Oooo fic ask game-

7: Were there any ideas you had for "A Secret Admirer" that you couldn’t make work? What were they?

And

4: Tell me about one of your abandoned WIPs. Why did you abandon it?

Fic Ask Game:

7: Were there any ideas you had for "A Secret Admirer" that you couldn’t make work? What were they?

Ahahxbha - there were SO MANY things that I wanted “A Secret Admirer” to be, and while it didn’t exactly turn out quite like I planned, I still really enjoy it for what it is and am happy that others enjoy it too!

Secret Admirer was a really big deal for me because it was my first multi-chapter project that I was determined to finish. What a lot of people don’t tell you about writing is that your story changes as you write it, and a lot of people don’t like that. They clam up, they shut down, they try to stubbornly cling to the original draft because they can’t see the story as anything other than how they envisioned it when they first came up with it - but this is all just one big mind game!

Usually, the original draft you begin a story with is so not as amazing as you think it is. You want to believe it is! Because it’s your story and you love it and everyone thinks their baby is the cutest one of the whole bunch! But the reality is that as things grow and gain substance, they start to morph and change, and it’s up to you as the writer to follow these changes and adjust accordingly. Usually the story you end up with is 10x better than the story you started with because by the end of it, you’ve written a whole story! Your writing is already so much better! Your skills have already improved and you haven’t even realized it yet!

It’s so crazy - who needs drugs when you can get high off this feeling, right?! (It’s me. I need the drugs. But regardless - )

For Secret Admirer, I had a few very important key points when I was mapping it out. I wanted the puking scene with Bakugou (because it was a hint at Bakugou’s suspicions that Kirishima was his secret admirer), I wanted the bathroom scene with Midoriya and Todoroki (because it would help shift further suspicion onto Ochako’s new-found friendship with Bakugou), I wanted the interaction between Kirishima and Tetsutetsu where they discuss Class 1-B’s conversations about Bakugou (because it would help widen the pool of suspects while simultaneously pushing Kirishima closer to his breaking point), I wanted Tokoyami’s scene (because it was HILARIOUS), and I wanted Bakugou to show Kirishima the text conversation at the end of the story (because it would help to tie in his perspective without actually having to switch POVs because at that point why even bother, the rest of the story was solely in Kirishima’s POV and so I wanted it to stay like that).

Literally everything else I came up with while I was writing it. The whole chapter about breaking into the school was totally unplanned and yet I really enjoyed it because it felt like a well-deserved comedic break like the infamous Episode 8 Beach Scenes, and the whole bit about Kirishima throwing his pencil at Bakugou’s head during their exam - these were all moments that I didn’t plan for but I’m really glad they made it in the story!

As far as what I was originally thinking for the fic and how it turned out, though, I don’t think there’s any ideas I couldn’t really make work if I thought that they were important enough to include! I guess I really don’t like how I wrote certain scenes or how I expressed certain emotions, but aside from that, I’m happy with the story for what it is! A light-hearted, goofy mystery with Kirishima being insecure and Bakugou not understanding cause uuuh, you’re MY best friend?? You think I’d ever be friends with a loser?? C’mon now Kirishima, fucking get it together. LMFAO!

4: Tell me about one of your abandoned WIPs. Why did you abandon it?

Oof. I have so many abandoned fic babies :(

A lot of the time I abandon a fic merely because I’m not having fun with it anymore, which is kind of dumb because the cold hard truth about writing is that no matter how much you love your story, fuck, you’re gonna get so damn tired of it before you ever even finish it. I promise you that. And that’s okay! Obviously you’re going to get tired of it, you’ve been staring at the damn thing for 18 chapters or 150,000 words or whatever at this point!

The hardest thing about being a writer (because writing is soooo easy and everyone can just Do It) is sticking with a project even after all of that initial ecstasy and serotonin has worn off. There is not a single multi-chapter fic I’ve written that I’m not glad is finally fucking finished lmfao! But now it’s done and it’s out in the world and other people can enjoy it for the very first time just like you did! And that’s where the reward comes in.

I think one of my more popular abandoned fics (I haven’t explicity decided it’s abandoned but I also haven’t written in it for several months nor do I ever really plan to get back into it) is Bunch of Fucking Idiots.

I know, I know. You love Bunch of Fucking Idiots. I do too! Seriously! But... my perspective on literally all of the characters has changed so drastically since I first started writing that fic that now even my own characters feel too OOC for me :,D

It was really fun while I was writing it - and I really believe in Bakugou’s character development in that story - but god, I just don’t want to write it anymore. And that sucks!

But at the same point, I would rather thank the fic for what it has given me in regard to my writing ability and turn around and actually finish writing something else, like ExplodoKillzHorror or Katsuki’s Wedding Studio! And I think as long as you’re continuing to learn and grow that it is absolutely okay to decide that you’ve outgrown even one of your own fics! You’re not the same person you were ten months ago and you’re not the same person you were yesterday, that’s the beauty of personal growth!

This all also explains why I love one-shots way more than multi-chapters = it’s one and done! I can construct and tell a fun and engaging story and then when it’s done it’s done and I can move onto the next thing, but I enjoy reading multi-chapters so much that sometimes I convince myself I can finish one too :,D

Thank you so so much for the questions! I hope these answers are somewhat enjoyable to read lmao, I’m having a lot of fun talking about it at least so that’s something! <3

[missinghan]

radiant ⤖ han jisung

❖ genre : college!au ; love-hate relationship!au ; frenemies to lovers!au ; fluff

❖ word count : 10k.

❖ warning : explicit language & mentions of alcohol

❖ summary : you've made a mental note to yourself never to make dumb bets with J.One again because who knows you'll fall for Han Jisung over two cups of boba?

one.

College. 

That specific morifying seven-letter word can literally make someone jump off a cliff. Like straight up, Lucifer would rather drink and bathe himself in holy water than to join one of the world's most traumatizing systems. Where knowledge is being drilled into people's mind like a tattoo, and it's not even a cute one, one that you most likely will regret later. 

Man, what a life. 

After highschool, most people thought they were ready, physically and mentally. That's not true. Did you really think that you're ready for monotonous lectures, for back-to-back assignments with ridiculous deadlines, for cramming forty slides of the PowerPoint presentation from your professor the night before an exam just because your brain cells decided to say 'fuck it' in the middle of the lecture ? 

No one's ever ready for living to torture themselves. 

Not even Hwang Hyunjin. Hyunjin, the boy you grew up having him right by your window. Hyunjin, that one kid in class who would always hand people his homework whenever they asked for it. He's too kind for this world, for his own good, you often say that to yourself but Hyunjin isn't really all that great. 

He too takes pain in turning in assignments to the T.A and dreads his 9am classes tremendously. But, since he's got a rich ass uncle who has some spare apartments lying somewhat near college ( as long as he preserves the place and invites someone over to help paying the bills ), he doesn't have to deal with the struggles of living on campus. 

And you, just happen to have the honor to live with him. Well, more like temporarily to see how things will work out later. You despise living on campus anyway. 

"What's with the long face ? Did Minho ramble about his cats again instead of working ?" Hyunjin walks into the living room before dropping his keys into the gold-accent bowl that he previously purchased from a garage sale. It's quite convenient, actually, the keys never end up under the couch or some random drawers again.

You look up from your laptop screen, sparing him a glare and focusing back on your assignment. Being a media major is equivalent to taking lots of notes and a shit ton of reading which is a pain in the ass. Meanwhile, a theatre kid like your roommate has his midterms and finals as setting up plays for school's events. Pfft, privileged people.

You don't hate-hate the idea of going to school like some people, in fact, you genuinely love learning, but you're in desperate need of another word for 'child labour' to be applied to this ... situation.

"Ohoho.. It's way worse, trust me, you don't wanna know." You lean your head sideways on one of the pillows, words slightly slurred with your cheek being pressed against the soft surface.

Hyunjin raises his voice from the kitchen area. "Did he confess his love for you or something ?"

"Jesus no ! You know he's not into me like that." You almost screech and sit straight up. "We were supposed to finish our project that's due this Friday. And guess who else was there ? Another chick showed up ! I swear that I wasn't hallucinating, he brought a new one home every other day. She said she was just 'a friend'." You make the quote-on-quote sign with your fingers to emphasize.

You pull on your own hair dramatically with all your might, hissing under your breath just by recalling it. "And whenever we had a twenty-minute break every hour and a half or so, she keeps brushing herself against him, acting all innocent about it. I was deadass pissed off—"

"Woah woah, I don't think it's that—"

You throw your hands in the air helplessly, suppressing the urge to throw a tantrum. "It is that bad, Hyunjin ! The chick doesn't know how to take a fucking hint !" Whatever, Hyunjin is probably too tired to wait for you to finish complaining about some random classmate drooling over Minho because they do that all the time anyway.

"Damn." He sips on his apple juice. "I should come over next time. Might be a not-so-shitty, watered-down version of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'."

You shoot him a glare, closing your laptop shut. "I instantly regret moving in with you."

"Why ?" Hyunjin pouts and plops himself next to you on the beige-colored couch. He reaches for the remote on the coffee table while obnoxiously sipping on the box of juice.

"Because apparently, you love weird, gross, mushy noises as much as Minho does." You answer flatly, burying yourself deeper into the white fuzzy blanket. Actually, no. Living with Hyunjin isn't as bad as you're trying to make it sound.

He might not cook, but he knows some decent restaurant with reasonable prices. He might be all over the place sometimes while panicking over an upcoming exam but at least he keeps his space organized ( unlike Han Jisung, whose closet is a perfect resemblance of World War III ).

Hyunjin throws his apple juice into the nearby bin while scrolling through the 'Romance' section briefly. And sharing the same Netflix account is probably the best decision you two have ever made. "What's worth-hating here ? No smelly kids, no not-having-enough-personal-space problem. There's good food, a cute, quirky roommate which naturally equals good company. You're living your best life right now. The only downside to this is that you have to deal with my questionable sleeping habits."

Fine. Hwang Hyunjin is cute, and a total heartthrob to the entire school. You won't be surprised if every single male student hates him with a passion ( which they do ). Not to mention, all of your female classmates would be more than happy to finish all of your assignments within two days as long as you hand over his number. Although they might want to reconsider due to the fact that this good-looking boy is also that person who records his alarm by yelling at the top of his lungs into his phone speaker.

But, a good friend wouldn't do that, because even God doesn't know what those creepy girls would do once they had their hands on his phone number. This is also why you always get dirty looks from everyone just because you just happen to be his plus-one for everything.

And Hwang Hyunjin only needs a plus-one when Seungmin decides to hate him on that day ( which is almost everyday ). So there goes your reputation. You're probably nothing but a mediocre girl who just doesn't know when not to be all over her hot best friend in the people's eyes.

Hyunjin snaps his head towards the front door when the bell rings then proceeds to turn back to his roommate, showing those ridiculously adorable puppy that naturally implies as 'Get the door for me, will ya ?'. And although all you want to do is to slap him with your laptop, you still stand up nonetheless. You undo the chains and slides the lock over before swinging the door open.

"Hyunjin, I was wondering if you wanna come see us perform this Saturday. You know, at the school's mini music festival. 8p.m. Got two tickets to spare. You can get yourself a plus-one or something." And before you - with an obnoxiously loud tone, the leather jacket and Balenciaga cap - is Changbin, who sassily brushes past you and makes a beeline towards the couch, where Hyunjin is man-spreading, wrapped up securely in his white fluffy blanket.

He lazily sits up from his previous position, receiving the tickets with half-open eyes. "I'll go. As long as 'Wow' is on schedule." 'Wow' is 3racha's first and most definitely last attempt of a love song but somehow, it's managed to get itself a special place in Hyunjin's heart. Well, more accurately, everyone's heart.

Changbin cocks an eyebrow. "It's first on the list actually." He then turns to you with a smirk spread across his lips. "Whatcha say, Y/N ? We all know your favorite line is 'Excuse me noona, do you have a boyfriend ?' from the lovely J.One." He refers to one of Jisung's lines in a love song which he wrote at the age of 16, Changbin wasn’t even 18 himself then. Good times. And now literally every girl is more than ready to throw themselves at him anytime, anywhere. Chan really didn't lie when he proclaimed 3racha as 'hot'.

You shake your head with a timid smile tugged on your lips. "I don't think so Bin, I'm having midterms on Monday, J.One can be saved later as my midnight snack whenever I wanna grill his ass for pestering me during the golden hour aka 3a.m."

Midterms sound good enough for an excuse because everyone would literally kill keep their A-s on those report cards. But unfortunately, you can't just play on the infamous SpearB that easily because apparently, being roommates with Hyunjin has absolutely nothing to do with improving your awful acting skills.

Just then, the most inappropriate, insufferable, infuriating, and other synonyms for 'annoying' clapback clicks inside Changbin's brain when an imaginary lightbulb pops up at the top of his head. "Man, you two are really out there banging each other in secret—"

And out the door he goes before you feel the need to personally stitch up his lips with your terrible sewing skills from elementary school. You close your eyes and takes in a deep breath, shutting the door behind your back while Hyunjin is too busy laughing his ass off on the couch.

This is getting to the point where you don't even need Han Jisung to be here to have the urge to strangle him, because his trash friends are no help at all.

two.

You step onto the bus with your earbuds on, right hand dropping the bus ticket into the glass box that's neatly placed right beside the driver's seat. Another day, another 4 hours of lectures and 2 continuous shifts which is another 5 hours at the café on campus, in which, sucks. But, what makes it even suckier comes right in three, two, one..

"Two people please !" A disturbingly obnoxious voice chirps right behind you. Just then, a figure dashes through the couple who are currently throwing daggers at him with their eyes. Not this again. You groans to yourself before sliding an extra ticket into the box because you definitely know better than to mess with a cranky bus driver. That boy over there really gotta pay for that shit.

Then, you take a seat beside the window, deciding to ignore the pest who just made you spend an extra ticket for his ride. You really should have taken another bus instead of the 325. Suddenly, a hand reaches towards one of your earbuds and pulls it out quickly. A puff of air hits your left eardrums like a rush of electricity, causing you to jump a bit.

"Can you stay still for a good span of 10 fucking seconds ?" You deadpan and and snap your head around. And before you - with slightly damp fringe covering his warm brown orbs, cute button nose and peachy lips ( gross ) - is Han Jisung. More accurately, the bane of your existence.

Jisung chuckles loudly at the big scowl on your face as he angles his head to take a proper look at you. You look like you just rolled out of bed, literally, not even metaphorically. Sweatpants, flannels and sneakers are the way to go if you're gonna be on your feet all day running around to serve sleep-deprived students and professors. Of course you look like a complete bum, it's 9a.m. What did he expect ?

"Aw." He pouts. "Where's the fun in that then, little cub ?"

And when Jisung reaches a hand out to pat your head, you frowns at his particularly ridiculous nickname for you and slaps his hand away. He watched the new remake of 'The Lion King' before the new semester started and cried like a total baby when Mufasa fell off the cliff, said Felix. Honestly, you wouldn't blame him because those devastating thirty seconds remain to be the most heartbreaking scene that Disney has ever invented. But still, the nickname is painfully unoriginal.

"Man, I hope you bombed your midterms or something." You speak up flatly, a slightly better retort lingering at the tip of your tongue but you're far too tired to argue with him anyway. And not to mention, your previous statement is completely useless because if Hwang Hyunjin is that kid who works his ass off to get good grades then Jisung is the complete opposite of that. He can sleep through ten lectures and still get a minimum of 90% on his exams. The perks of being a prodigy since newborn, can't relate.

Jisung feigns a painful expression, scrunching his nose up in fake agony. "How supportive of you, so incredibly validating." He cocks his head upwards carelessly, giving you a full view of his side profile.

Okay. Despite his annoying personality and questionable nicknames for everyone then Han Jisung is kinda attractive. You get it, you get it, Hwang Hyunjin is attractive but this prick is another kind of attractive.

Whenever he screams his heart out at the mic on stage, there are literal silver and gold specks floating in his eyes like an explosion of stardust scattered across the whole universe. And the way he conveys his emotions into his lyrics to perform an entire song on stage is just tremendously remarkable. No wonder all the girls always come rushing in when J.One is on stage.

Wait, were you thinking about Han Jisung or J.One ? But no, Han Jisung is J.One. It's just that J.One is slightly cooler than Jisung because he doesn't pester people until they have a cardiac arrest. Whatever, your brain is already yelling for retirement.

"You are coming to watch my performance right ?" Jisung suddenly leans over, your noses almost touching. Being the idiotic person that you are, your body immediately locks itself in place, hissing slightly at the current proximity. Great, now what ?

"Ooh." A low whistle escapes his lips. "You were too busy checking me out. It's okay, that's understandable. Not everyone can have a close-up of J.One's out-of-this-world visual." He flips his imaginary long hair and you make a gagging noise.

"I was not !" You exclaim upon embarrassment, cheeks turning into a bright shade of coral. "There's just something in your teeth."

"Uh huh, I doubt it." Yeah, he would never buy that. Jisung smiles at you cheekily and once again, Han Jisung has proved that he's the kind of guy who has the particular type of smile that makes you want to knock their teeth out. Although you can't help but fall for it nonetheless. Very typical of you. "So, are you coming or nah ?"

Your heart tingles a bit, and you feel like you can just pass out right here right now on this stupid bus in the middle of this stupid conversation with his stupid boy and his stupid smile. "No, I have my midterms on Monday. Guess who's pulling all nighters again ?" You push his face away because if not, you might as well just explode and make a fool of yourself.

"Ahhhh, why not ?" Jisung whines as if there's no tomorrow. "It's not like you enjoy drowning yourself in Kang's 40 slides of 'History of Media 101' anyway." Now, for once in a fairly long time, the bastard finally said something that wasn't complete bullshit. And you're starting to reconsider your decision because although Han Jisung is undeniably insufferable, J.One can make it up with his dope performances. But then again, you really just don't want to see his face on Saturdays.

Suddenly he rolls himself over again, his lips drawing a devilish smile. You can tell already from the dangerous look in his eyes, it's not going to end well.

"Are you in for a bet ? If I win, you'll have to go. But if you win, I'll do whatever you want me to, for an entire week. You're basically the privileged one here, don't even deny it."

three.

Changbin wakes up from his long nap to find Chan having his eyes glued to the laptop's screen as if his life depends on it. It makes him wonder how long his friend has been working on the rearrangement of all their songs for this Saturday's music festival.

"I see that you're making quite the progress." He grunts slightly before sitting up straight. The small faux leather couch that their school has in the band practice room isn't exactly the most comfortable thing to sleep on. But after what seems like an eternity in the lecture hall, tolerating the professor's rant then Changbin wouldn't even mind sleeping on the floor.

Chan slowly peels his eyes away from the screen and blinks numerous times so that he won't potentially go blind. He looks over at Changbin's slouch figure on the couch, tapping away on his phone and smiles dumbly at some memes that Minho just DM-ed to their group chat.

"Damn right, I just finished chopping up the bits of back-up vocals. I feel like my back is so fragile that it might break in half if I stand up." He runs a hand through his mop of black hair that's nowhere near the definition of 'doable' and yawns into his other palm.

He peeks over his shoulder to see Hyunjin and Felix sleeping while leaning against the mirror, Minho laying on top of Jeongin as he chuckles creepily at his phone. And Woojin is too busy singing his heart out with his guitar in the corner to notice Seungmin capturing everyone in their greatest glory, meaning when they're all a hot mess.

Changbin swings his legs over and slips into his black Adidas slides, walking over to Chan in a sluggish manner. He crouches down a bit while squinting his eyes to take a proper look at the laptop screen. Chan indeed has finished most of it, no wonder he looks ( and probably smells ) like trash. "I'll give you a hand, just send these over to me after when you got home." He says, giving his friend a pat on his back.

"Yeah sure," Chan puts a hand over his mouth to cover up another yawn. "By the way, where the fuck is Jisung ? He hasn't been answering my texts all morning."

Changbin gives him an indifferent shrug. "He said he would be on campus all day on Thursdays since he has classes and work right after- hold on he's texting me."

[ 5:23pm ]

piece of shit : where are you guys ?

baby changbin : band room, clearly you never listened.

[ 5:24pm ]

piece of shit : yeesh, I was busy you ass. texting y/n and all.

baby changbin : it was fucking 3a.m. !

[ 5:25pm ]

piece of shit : whatever, we'll be there in two.

He pauses for a while and lets the words sink in. Why "we" and not "I" ? Since when this was a plural thing ? Did all of those lectures and serving sleep-deprived students fuck up his brain cells ?

Wow, now Changbin feels bold to assume that Han Jisung even own brain cells. And before he can show the texts to the rest of his friends to make fun of Jisung while he's not here, the glass door swings open. Hyunjin and Felix jolt up in surprise at the same time, almost bumping their heads together at the creaking sound.

"We got you kids boba, wake up wake up hurry hurry SCHNELL !" Jisung screeches loudly when he pushes himself through the front door, accidentally making you bump your forehead into the dull glass surface.

You follows him inside with a big scowl on your face, quickly passing Changbin the plastic bags. Yes, you can hear the polar bears crying in the distance loud and clear but unluckily you only have two hands for ten cups of boba.

"Why boba all of a sudden ?" Minho looks up from his phone in boredom as Jeongin is utterly dying underneath, slapping his palm repeatedly against the floor in exhaustion.

Minho feels ( kinda ) bad for him and decides to roll himself over, setting Jeongin free from his miserable state. "Did you two go on a date or something ?" The youngest one's features morph into a frown, eyeing the two up and down in caution when he crosses his legs together.

You make an unimpressed face and glares at Jisung, who's currently hogging the entire black couch on his own. "Who the fuck would make their date carry everything then ? You tell me Jeongin."

Woojin stands up after craning his neck and shakes his head in disapproval. "My greatest disappointment, Han Jisung, would do that unfortunately." He walks over to Felix and Hyunjin to get himself a cup from the bag.

"Let's be honest, you'd still date him even if he does that anyway. I haven never seen any other girl who has the courage to personally rummage through his disastrous closet just to steal a hoodie." He takes a sip and smirks at the black hoodie that you're wearing. Woojin thinks you should definitely give yourself more credit because personally, he can't be bothered to step into Jisung's room, much less his closet.

You're still slightly confused for a moment there but quickly look down and almost gasp in realization. "I can explain—"

"Don't worry Y/N, if he ever mistreats you, you best believe that he's not gonna see tomorrow's daylight." Felix supplies unhelpfully over a mouthful of boba. Since when did he become such a nuisance ? But he's not entirely wrong because if no one volunteers to skin Jisung alive when he leaves you with a broken heart then Hyunjin will literally disown him. He doesn't care if it's legal or not because even a law student like Woojin would be on his side in this.

You hold up your hand defeatedly. "The jerk purposely left it on my couch back at the apartment. And Hyunjin didn't want to return nor wash it so I was obligated to do that myself. Eventually, the hoodie just ended up on a hanger right behind my bedroom door. Not to mention, I was running late earlier and had nothing to wear." You finish your sentence, realizing that your roommate has been giving you a 'wtf' face all his time.

"Out of reasons already ?" Chan chirps, raising a dark brow.

Okay.

In your defense, it's a goddamn good hoodie. The material is actually really nice that you might accidentally fall asleep if you wear this to class. You didn't mind the design on it either, kinda boyish but very funky, almost hippie looking. And last but not least, the smell of it is intoxicating, leaving you yearning for more. That's also equivalent to Jisung smells nice ( ew ) and your cheeks automatically heat up at the thought of feeling like he's hugging you whenever you wear it.

You frantically try to explain with expressive hands. "Look, guys—"

"You're going this Saturday !!" Jisung's voice suddenly booms behind your back as he declares loudly like it's the most worth-knowing thing in the whole wide world. The guys trade confused look with each other, not knowing what nonsense their friend is babbling about. Whatever, they don't have to either way. "You're going, you're going, you're going !"

You look over at Hyunjin's cup in disbelief, completely full and untouched. Meanwhile, Felix has already finished his drink in between the 15-minute conversation. You blinks and quickly comprehends the new amount of information, you lost the bet. Which means...

Screw midterms.

four.

Screw the music festival, you’re not going anywhere.

“How’s this ?” Hyunjin steps out from his room with a white dress shirt tucked inside his skinny jeans. And you hate him even more now because your roommate looks totally #boyfriendmaterial in every outfit that he’s been trying for the past half an hour. Really, Hyunjin should give himself more credit for his looks because you bet girls would still throw themselves at him even if he showed up to school looking homeless and all.

You look up from your phone in boredom. “Looks good to me.”

Upon your flat reply, Hyunjin shoots you a glare. “Good ? It only stops there at ‘good’ ? Then which item in my closet appeals to you as ‘spectacular’ or ‘breathtaking’ ? Should I just hire a personal stylist or something ?” He wants to snap at you but ends up whining like a elementary school kid that’s not allowed to drink his favorite soda from the vending machine.

“Dude, eat a chill pill.” You frown slightly at his particularly dramatic ass ( tsk, drama majors ) and decide to put your phone down. “You’re going to a music festival, at uni. Not attending some kind of award shows for celebrities.”

Hyunjin snickers before clicking his tongue. “And you’re planning on wearing that ?”

Your roommate is stressing himself over being overdressed for an event. You, on the other hand, haven’t even made up your mind about an outfit yet and your plus-one is picking you up in less than 30 minutes. And you’re still here, on the couch, in your pyjamas. Call it madness but personally, you wouldn’t mind wearing this to the music festival. Music is technically art in some kind of shape or form and only uncultured swines judge those who prefer being comfy over fashionable.

Come on, it’s art. Your pyjamas can express yourself in some sort of way right ?

“Stop shitting on my Mickey Mouse sweatpants as if it’s something straight out of the 1910s.” You protest, urging to throw the jar filled with gummy bear on the coffee table at his precious face. Mickey is definitely not going anywhere since you guys have been bonding since middle school.

Hyunjin pauses in the middle of his track going back into his room. Suddenly he turns around and smiles at you creepily. “It’s Jisung, isn’t it ?”

Yeah, no. Most definitely not. Still not him. Nuh uh. Okay… Maybe it’s because you don’t want to embarrass your plus-one because he’s also a total heartthrob. Maybe, it could be something about the fact that you’re afraid you’re not gonna look as good as your roommate. Or maybe it’s something inside the can of Redbull that you downed last night while rewatching the last episode of ‘Goblin’. You don’t even like Redbull.

Shit, you’re running out of excuses already.

“Actually, I was thinking that it’d be better if I didn’t show up.” You confess timidly, scared to meet Hyunjin’s confused expression.

When you gather enough courage to look up, he looks absolutely unimpressed and partially disappointed. “And you’re just gonna rain-check on Choi Yeonjun like that ? Changbin’s not letting this slide, I’ll tell you that.” He shakes his head in disapproval, this time turning on his heels to walk towards his bedroom door.

Something inside your stomach is tickling, as if it’s trying to tell you that you’re about to commit some kind of unforgivable sin if you don’t go to the festival. And just when you’re about to ignore it and wrap yourself up warmly on the L-shaped couch like the lazy bum that you are, your phone buzzes.

[ 4:24pm ]

yeonjun | I’ll be there in five.

five.

Only losers go to a music festival without a plus-one.

Hyunjin is one lucky bastard because Seungmin is tolerating his ass for the day. Meanwhile, Woojin is too busy pestering Felix to let him sneak into backstage looking for Changbin. And by now, everyone probably knows that Minho is secretly obsessed with Jeongin since he's decided to stick himself to the youngest like the spoiled parasite that he is. But that's not the point. Point is : you're terrible at navigation so you're obligated to get yourself a plus-one.

And he just happens to be Choi Yeonjun, that one business major who's secretly a dancer that left everyone's wig flying to Africa during last year's prom. You two have walked past each other before between periods and since he's an acquaintance of Changbin, he'd always wave back at you with the sweetest smile. You see him as a fun person to be around, kinda like a sunshine.

But what you didn't know is that, if your group of friend's chaotic energy is 3000, then Yeonjun alone is already on another level.

"Why the long face Y/N ? Enjoy the music, relax, let the night set you free !" Yeonjun chuckles at the frown on your face as he swings an arm over your shoulder. You can already tell that he's getting a bit tipsy from his tinted red cheeks and his breath smells like beer. Never knew the guy couldn't go heavy with his alcohol. Much like your roommate himself.

You peel the red plastic cup away from his hand to abandon it on some random table, dragging him away from the bar before his friend - Beomgyu, offers him some kind of sketchy looking drink. The kid is only a freshman and you feel like you should strangle the person who permitted him to be the bartender for the night.

"Alright, that's enough beer for you." You tell him mild-seriously, partially because you don't want him to end up knocked out in the middle of nowhere and partially because you can't contain someone who's drunk, not even yourself. "Let's find Soobin, I bet he's running around campus looking for your ass."

"What do you mean he's looking for my ass ? He's at home playing stupid boardgames with stupid Taehyun." Yeonjun slurs, shaking the haziness away furiously before fluttering his eyes upwards. "Look !" He squeals a little bit too loudly for anyone's liking. "It's your boyfriend !"

You abruptly put your index finger on his lips. "Shh shhh ! Han Jisung is not my boyfriend ! Watch your mouth, please, I beg." You hush him and glance around to look for any signs of Hyunjin or Felix popping out from a random bush to make fun of you. "We're barely friends, why would you think that we're dating ?!" You cry dramatically, cheeks burning with a bright shade of pink.

The blue haired boy makes a thinking face, which you think it's undeniably cute, before pointing towards the stage. "Because he's looking at you ?" He says cluelessly, giggling while clapping happily like a seal.

You unconsciously lift your head to eye the stage. Time seems to stop when you realize Jisung has been staring at you all this time. His expression is unfathomable. Your heart starts thundering loudly inside your rib cage, so loud that it overcomes the loud EDM music in the background, so loud that you're afraid he might hear it even when he's so far away.

In this light, in the middle of your chaos, there is Jisung. And he's absolutely otherworldly, radiant, dazzling, coruscating. Gosh, you can go on forever if your brain cells allow you to.

The moment he breaks eye contact, that's when you're pondering over who is it that your heart is beating for. Han Jisung ? Or is it just J.One ? Because you've seen Jisung as a total pest who never takes things seriously, who always makes you pay an extra ticket for his ride to uni, who spontaneously sends you derp pictures of him in the middle of a lecture. But no matter where you go, he would constantly pop up inside your mind out of nowhere. Like a phantom.

Suddenly, Chan's voice booms through the speaker, making you jump. "The performance of 3racha will be delayed due to technical errors. We apologize for this inconvenience." You stand there dumbly, blinking numerous times for his words to sink in. The question here isn't really 'what?' but 'why?'. 3racha take music very seriously and they're not the type to slack off any performances even if it's just for a school's small event.

You snap your head back to the stage, Chan and Changbin are talking to a technical staff, an apologetic smile blooming on their faces. But wait, where the fuck is Jisung ?

"Told ya !" Yeonjun hiccups into your ear. "What kind of non-boyfriend will cancel a performance just to come and see you like this ?" You should have gone with Hyunjin, you really should.. You bet he's not even half as drunk a Yeonjun right now since all Seungmin drinks is kombucha.

Unexpectedly, and also expectedly, you find yourself staring at Jisung, who's speed-walking towards your direction, like a complete dumbass. There's fire flickering at the back of his irises, burning intensely onto you. His brows are knitted together, his jacket hanging slightly over his shoulder, teasing you with a flash of his biceps. You also notice how the microphone is still there, in his hand.

Did he fucking leave the stage just to see you ?

Jisung breathes out a puff of smoke from the chilly air. "Y/N, got you."

Your heart actually feels like it’s hanging on the edges when your name rolls off his tongue so tenderly. "And you are ?" He looks over at Yeonjun with an almost disgusted expression, his hand instinctively reaching for yours. You don't blame him either way because Yeonjun looks like he just made it out of one of the world's most traumatizing lunatic asylum with shitty security. And Jisung wouldn't let you walk around with a crazy guy attached to you like a total creep. Not when he's monitoring.

“Y/N’s plus-one ?”

“Well that makes two of us.”

Yeonjun holds his hands up as if he's being held at gunpoint. "Easy, dude, I'm leaving. I'm leaving. She's all yours." He laughs, sounding almost too nervous to be true because Jisung is somewhat scary whenever someone gets on his bad side. Just ask Highschool Hyunjin.

"You're wasted as fuck, what makes you think that I'll let you go home alone like this ?" You say, flinching slightly when you feel Jisung tightens his grip on your hand. He cocks a brow as if he's testing you.

"Nah, I'm not going anywhere. Just gonna swing by the bar, Beomgyu probably came up with something to knock me out." Without a proper goodbye nor a hug like his normally playful self usually does, the blue haired boy turns on his heels to walk away from the scene. And you exhale deeply out of relief, not because you hated Yeonjun's company, you might actually hang out with him again. Just not where there's alcohol.

Jisung still hasn't let go of your hand yet, and surprisingly, you don't want him to. "I take that as you two aren't dating ?" He questions, studying your features more closely. You're really pretty, he thinks. Jisung has never once hesitant about using the word 'pretty' for you and he's not afraid to show it either. It's just that you never bothered to notice.

"No ? Hyunjin decided to ditch me for Seungmin and Yeonjun's a mutual friend through Changbin so we texted, and he picked me up after when Hyunjin left." You give him a weird look, confused by how pissed off he looks right now. "And I take that as you're jealous ?"

Jisung laughs humorously, his voice doused in dry sarcasm. "Huh, funny. Last time I checked, you were supposed to be backstage with me since you lost the bet, not clinging yourself onto some hot guy from Changbin's Biochem 101." Of course Jisung is pissed off. How could he not when you're all smiling and laughing with another guy, when he has an arm over your shoulder, holding you so lovingly, so tightly ? Another guy that's not him.

You widen your eyes at how ridiculous he sounds, almost in disbelief. "Excuse you ? Since when 'being backstage with you' was even a thing in our bet ?" Yeah, completely unheard of. "And I was not clinging onto him, I'll have you know that he chugged on a bottle of Hennie and ended up wobbling around like a fucking toddler !"

Your voice is getting louder and louder by the second, chest heaving up and down in anger because he is in fact, being extra insufferable tonight. You haven’t seen him acting like this since he officially declared cold war with Hyunjin back in junior year highschool.

"Oh yeah ? Then what ? You liked that ? It makes me sick to the stomach seeing you giggling at one of his stupid jokes. You seemed so fucking comfortable even when he's this close ?" Jisung tugs in your arm to pull you closer, his cool breath fanning your forehead. Your cheeks unknowingly feel hot, but you're not going to admit it to his face. "You're completely okay with this ?"

You grimace a stiff smile. "Of course I am." Oh boy were you wrong.

"Even now ?" He places his hands over your shoulder to bend down, angling his face so that the tip of his nose is brushing over yours. His gaze pierces right through you, leaving you completely stripped and vulnerable. And you hate every single part of this. You hate how you heart is swelling, how his touches burn like fire, how much effect he has on you with such minimal effort.

Jisung says with a devilish smirk blooming on his lips. "Hmm ? I don't know Y/N, you look pretty burnt up to me."

"It's because of the heat—" You instantly regret what you said when it starts to rain. Droplets of water repeatedly tap against your skin like clear champagne. A cloud shadows over you two and another splatter of rain comes along. Goosebumps rise on your skin at the cool sensation as your limbs lock themselves in place. Jisung has never broken eye contact with yours since then, specks of good and silver floating in his eyes like a brilliant explosion of a supernova.

Just when you thought your lips was gonna collide, something unexpected happens. Jisung takes off his jacket and swings it over your shoulders. He gently holds you by the waist as he hurries you inside, your gaze never once leaves his features. He's saying something but you can't quite catch it, it's hard to concentrate when he's being all affectionate and sweet to you like this.

You are far too busy telling your heart not to explode.

six.

Felix stomps over to your table and slams his tray of food down aggressively. Everyone peels their eyes off what they’re doing for the time being, throwing a weird look towards him. With a satisfied smile on his face, Felix drops his notebook onto the table. Changbin glances at him with an expressionless face, almost yawned in boredom. “And how did it go again ?” He drawls tiredly as if he has heard the same joke over and over for an entire week.

“You know that feeling when you feel like you’re completely detached from your own body and just stare at yourself from above ? I was up there, mind blank while my mouth couldn’t stop blabbering about what ever the fuck was on those slides. I ditched my Flashcards, completely untouched, 5 minutes has never flown by so quick. Boom, the professor didn’t even think twice about giving me an A.” Felix leans back on his chair comfortably after wrapping up his story.

Seungmin scrunches his nose at his friend. “Yeah sure, it’s an A. Big fucking deal.” Kim Seungmin basically has a full scholarship straight to college in the middle of his senior highschool year, you can say that he has the right to be unimpressed.

Minho shrugs indifferently, scrolling through his feed to kill some time. “It is for Yongbok apparently, give him a break. You know he hardly gets any when his brain only consists of Seo Changbin and Fortnite.”

Felix hisses at the older boy like a cat when you accidentally step on its tail, threatening to gouge out one of his eyes with the plastic fork on his hand. Minho being on his ass 24/7 just makes college that much more of a hellhole. He can’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance because no one is even trying to spare a ‘Good job’ or ‘Good for you’. He might actually need new friends, Felix ponders.

But wait, something’s missing.

Jisung didn’t even try to make fun of him. And he never missed a single chance to pester him or call him out every time he’s all giddy over good grades. In other words, his secret life as a potential nerd has been foiled thanks to Han Jisung. But apparently, girls find it hot when a nerd is secretly a dancer.

He looks over to his friend and frowns furiously. A hood thrown over his head, eyes glued to his laptop screen, Jisung looks extra antisocial today and Felix can feel something’s off because he would be jumping around, yelling into your ears by now, not making a PowerPoint presentation. “What’s wrong with you two ?” He asks, noticing how you’re also acting strange.

You’re mindlessly scrolling through Twitter, and stop abruptly at a new post from @j.one. It’s a picture of Jisung grinning while gripping on a microphone followed by a caption “Always have so much fun performing w/ my bros, @spearB & @cb97 - photo by @princehwang #SocialSaturday”.

You almost snickered, feeling the need to change it into “#TBT”. Not only because this photo was taken months ago for a summer music festival nearby Uni, but also because this bright side of Han Jisung no longer exists. He hardly talked to you since Saturday, ignored you when you made eye-contact with him on the hallways, didn’t even ask you to pay for his ride.

Basically, he’s making a fuss out of nothing. But you wouldn’t say that it feels good not having him call you ‘little cub’ 50 times a day or send you random messages during a lecture like ‘go out with me ?’. You never take them seriously anyway because he can’t like you just like that, right ? “Ask him, not me.” You raise a brow towards Jisung, earning a glare from him as a reply. “I’m not the one who’s being petty over me going to a music festival with Choi Yeonjun.”

Jisung sighs dramatically and shuts his laptop close. “Is that all you got ?” He inquires sarcastically as if he’s gonna set you on fire if you dare to try him.

“That’s what I said the first time we played Mario Kart together, isn’t it ? I totally kicked your ass, to the curb.”  You protest as the blood running through your veins slowly boils. If it weren’t for Hyunjin to hold your shoulders in place, you would have thrown hands at Jisung.

Jisung slams his hands onto the surface of the table harshly, almost knocked the whole table over. “Yeah, that’s why Chan never lets you drive because you’re exactly the reason for all of our wild turbulence. Because you suck at driving !”

You feel like you’re being held in a chokehold, literally and metaphorically because you can’t even drag Jisung down to the very bottom of Hell when you’re fully capable of doing that. Not before you kill him with your bare hands.

“I mean one of us had to have the guts to drive everyone back after a party where y’all got fucking wasted. College parties are so lit, they say. Who the fuck does three keg stands in a row just to run around the neighborhood shirtless later on ?!” You clatter loudly, earning a ‘wtf’ look from the students at the opposite table.

“Who wants another milkshake ? It’s on me.” Woojin interrupts the two of you, already pulling out his wallet in a rush.

Jisung’s ears automatically turn red, and you smirk at the sight of his pink cheeks upon both embarrassment and anger. “What did you just say ?”

“Ten milkshakes it is.” Chan drags Woojin out of his seat and the two of them helplessly walk towards the canteen cashier from across your table. He’s already given up, you can tell. Because if not, he would just personally hang Jisung upside down on a tree ( his natural habitat ) so that he can cool down before he said something he’d definitely regret later.

You push Hyunjin away and stand up right, staring at Jisung dead in the eye. “What’s wrong ? Cat got your tongue ?” Are you finally getting back at him ? Is this how victory taste like ?

“Say that again and I’m gonna— ugh ! Christ, I hate you !” Jisung sounds like he’s on the verge of exploding and you’re absolutely enjoying every single moment of this.

You mock him in amusement. “You’re gonna what ?”

“I’m gonna fucking kiss—“

Before Jisung could finish his sentence, Minho pulls his friend backwards and Jisung once again lands on his bottom, onto the wooden bench. “Okay, I don’t wanna ruin the heat but at least spare some of your sanity for the sake of publicity, yeah ? You know, if you guys wanna make out that bad, there’s always a restroom.”

Sanity ? For the sake of publicity ? Well, that changes everything. “WE’RE NOT GONNA MAKE OUT LEE MINHO YOU FUCKING BASTARD ! DON’T MAKE ME KNOCK KNOCK UPSIDE YOUR HEAD, YOU FILTHY PIECE OF SH-“ You’ve come to a decision that if Han Jisung doesn’t end up somewhere six feet under the ground, then Lee Minho - aka his best friend - is taking his bullet for today.

“Woah woah, Y/N, easy girl, easy.” Hyunjin holds you back with both hands. Okay, he gets why Jeongin doesn’t want to come over whenever you and Jisung are breathing in the same room now.

Jeongin scrunches his nose as he obnoxiously chews on his tuna sandwich. “Yeah, you guys need to cool down a little bit. You know, just chill out. That’s enough for your ‘friendly banter’, let the others enjoy their lunch in peace, will you ?”

You and Jisung continuously give each other death stares for the rest of your lunch break. Even when Chan and Woojin come rushing back with five cups of milkshakes each, even when it’s your favorite flavor in the entire world, it can never put out the fire of wrath that’s burning furiously deep inside. All you want to do is to have Han Jisung down on his knees and beg you for his life like how King Stefan did to Maleficent. The only difference is that Jisung actually doesn’t have a daughter.

Is that too much to ask for ?

seven.

[ 2:35pm ]

yeonjun | hey, I need to talk to you…

yeonjun | nearby café after school ? I can just wait if you’re getting out late.

You read the message on your way out of the lecture hall and widen your eyes. The hour displayed on your screen reads ‘3:45pm’. You immediately push your way through the crowd of sweaty students and run down the hallway like a psychopath. God, Yeonjun has been sitting alone at the café like a complete fool just because of you. Now you feel like a terrible human being.

“Woah, where are you going in such a hurry ?” Hyunjin yells at you loudly when you brush past him and Jeongin.

You hastily shout back at him before continuing to run. “Don’t wait for me ! Just spare me some left over !”

When you arrive at the café, you feel like you should give yourself a pat on the shoulder because you don't think you’ve ever run that fast before in your entire life. Not even for the marathon competitions during middle school.

And the café looks somewhat different today, something smells weird too, you notice. Then you realize that they just repainted the whole thing, replacing the old teal blue color into a warmer brownish color. The walls and windows are decorated with fairy lights, like a cherry on a sundae, it’s perfect for the upcoming winter break. Because students aren’t just gonna come here for the caffeine, they’re gonna hog this place for themselves sooner or later to get at least one aesthetic photo for the holiday.

You quickly spot Yeonjun sitting alone in the color while having his headphones on, slowly dozing off to the music. His cup of iced macchiato remains untouched with water dipping on the sides. A pang of guilt hits you almost instantly when you start walking towards his direction. As you sit down on the opposite seat, Yeonjun suddenly startles and shakes his sleepiness away.

“Hey, I’m so sorry, my phone was off all day.” You say with an apologetic smile on your face, feeling the guilt keeps piling onto your shoulders. “You could just leave or something, I wouldn’t be mad.”

Yeonjun removes his headphones and laughs slightly, scratching the nape of his neck. “It’s fine,” He waves his hands at you to tell you that everything’s okay. “I really need that short nap after all. God, I was dreading my neuroscience assignment all day. But hey, I really need to talk to you, that’s why I was so determined to wait.”

“Don’t even, Yeonjun. You could have just gone home and rest.” You shake your head at him in defeat. You swear to God, he’s too kind. “What’s so important that you wanted to talk to me so badly ?” You ask while flipping through the menu. The weather has been pretty chilly lately, it might be nice to have a hot chocolate.

Yeonjun’s ears turn red at your words and he starts to dart his eyes around, scared to meet your eyes. “I— uhm, look, I just—“ He stammers with tinted pink cheeks, which you find ridiculously adorable. “I just wanted to say sorry for what happened on Saturday.” He manages to squeak out and you have to hold back the urge to laugh. “I shouldn't have drunk that much beer, right ? You should feel lucky that I left you with your boyfriend because I may or may not have thrown up all over Beomgyu. He almost kicked me off a cliff, I’m not overexaggerating, I swear.”

That’s not true. Yeonjun should be the one who needs to feel lucky because not only didn’t Beomgyu leave him on some random sidewalks, he personally called Taehyun to bring him extra clothes and had an Uber to get them three back home before midnight. He knows Beomgyu is too utterly soft for him to murder him in his sleep anyway.

You smile at him before waving the waiter boy over to punch in your order. “Choi Yeonjun, it’s fine, really. You’re so much fun to hang around. But next time, no more beer for you, get it ?” Upon your teasing, he lets out a nervous chuckle. And little did you know, he’s planning on telling you something much, much more horrendous. “And how many times do I need to tell you that Jisung is not my boyfriend ?”

“Just not yet.” He corrects you, and you’re stuck between the ideas of strangling Han Jisung and throwing Choi Yeonjun off a cliff. Or maybe both. “You guys caused quite the scene during lunch break. You two bickered like an old married couple. Not to mention, you’ve probably ended up on everyone’s social medial by now.”

Your eyes widen in terror. A tape of you, and Han Jisung yelling at each other at the top of your lungs is on the Internet. Since a young age, you’ve come to realize that nothing on the internet ever really goes away. And that thought scares you shitless. Great, now everyone will think of you two as that one loud couple who always argue over stupid things. “I’m so fucking screwed— give me a sec, someone’s texting me.”

[ 4:12 pm ]

han | where are you ?

y/n | why would that matter ?

han | you’re on a date right ? with him.

y/n | han jisung are you watching me ? wtf you creep !?

[ 4:13pm ]

han | do you like him ?

han | just answer me honestly for once.

y/n | so you ARE jealous. hah, busted.

But wait, why would he be jealous ? That makes no sense.

[ 4:14pm ]

han | so what if i’m jealous ?

Your heart stops as a small ‘huh?’ escapes your lips. Yeonjun looks at you with a confused expression, almost develops a mild interest in what made you so flustered. But he guessed it either way because it’s too obvious who’s the only person that has this kind of effect on you.

han | i was the one who asked you out first, it’s not fair !

y/n | ...

y/n | hey, are you drunk ?

[ 4:15pm ]

han | i’m as sober as i can be, enjoy your pretty little date y/n.

When everything’s already a mess, when you’re at a loss for words, Hyunjin’s abrupt call is something else more than just fuel to the fire. “Y/N ! Have you seen Jisung ?” Your roommate sounds alarmed on the other end and your stomach automatically twists into a knot.

“No, I haven’t seen him since lunch… why ?” The uneasy feeling has been ghosting your gut since you received the questionable texts from Jisung, and you’re afraid to hear what Hyunjin’s gonna say next. “What’s wrong ? What happened to him ?” You bombard him with questions after questions, fiddling your fingers nervously in fear.

Yeonjun quickly senses something’s off and reaches his hand outwards. He places his hand over yours gently, rubbing little circles to remind you to calm down. There are a thousand bad scenarios running through your mind like lightning of what could have happened to Jisung. What if he’s about to do something stupid ? What if he’s hurting, and no one ever asked ? What if… it’s all because of you ?

“Hyunjin, just fucking answer me !” You almost snapped, finding the silence on the other line extremely disturbing.

He replies breathlessly, as if he’s already given up. “He’s gone.”

“What do you mean he’s gone ?” You can’t believe your own ears at this point.

Hyunjin sounds like he’s about to have a mental breakdown. “Changbin said he hadn’t been home when his shift was supposed to end at 3. Chan said he wasn’t on campus either, nor the band room. We’ve checked everywhere, not his house, not the usual boba place, not even his favorite get-away spots. He ran away, Y/N, no one knows why. And I’m scared..” Your heart instantly drops to the pit of your stomach.

Not even his favorite get-away spots.. We’ve checked everywhere.

But Jisung would never tell them about all of his get-away spots.

eight.

Jisung unlocks his phone and sees several missed calls from his group of friends along with endless texts but his eyes only linger on some particular ones.

[ 7:23pm ]

y/n | can we just talk this out ?

y/n | this is so fucking childish of you.

y/n | I don’t care if you want to kick me out of your life.

y/n | I’m coming for you.

Jisung doesn’t know whether he should be crying or laughing. Basically, he’s emotionally restrained.

Because apparently, life is preposterous. One moment you’re laughing while being pissed off when he annoys the heck out of you. Then later you would ditch him to have yourself wrapped around another guy’s arms. Hours ago, you were on the edge of pushing his limits into the unknown and now you’re being all concerned and worried about him. He feels mildly exasperated partially because you’re playing with his heart, and partially because he allows you to do that.

He has been watching you from behind all this time. He always has so much on his mind that keeps him awake at nights but never really knows how to convey his feelings for you into words. Maybe that’s why J.One can only write love songs in vain. So being the genius person that he is, he thought ( and still think ) that the only way to approach you was to make fun of you. He can only call you questionable nicknames all day because he doesn’t have the heart to actually call you ‘babe’ in a genuine way. He would always end up spitting out something less than appropriate or stick his nose into your business because he can never fathom the courage to say a simple ‘I love you’. Yes, Jisung knows that he’s a coward for making such excuses but the thought of putting his heart into someone else’s hand scares him shitless. Not that he has never gone through a heartbreak before but the scars never really go away.

Honestly, Jisung has never thought that he would end up liking you this much. He still vividly remembers the day that you two met for the first time. It was freshman year highschool, he got signed up for a role in the drama club at the time being thanks to Hyunjin and suddenly he saw you sitting alone in a corner, struggling over a piece of prop for the set. 

Even when it’s the awkward phase, you took his breath right away like ‘whoosh’, leaving him utterly speechless when your eyes collide.  From then on, you’re the ‘nothing’ that people ask him about whenever he looks like he’s spacing out. You’re the only thing that keeps lingering in his mind, impossible to forget. He finally understands why people are always so giddy about their crush because once you like someone, everything changes. Like how your smile seems to be even brighter than the Sun, how your goofy laugh feels like music to his ears, or how every little thing that you do affects him way too damn much. Woah, he understands why his group of friends said that he’s so whipped for you now.

Jisung doesn’t know what to think or what to feel anymore. He really doesn’t. He hates how you keep switching between ‘the Y/N who hates Jisung with passion’ and ‘the Y/N who genuinely worries about Jisung’. It drives him nuts not knowing how you really feel about him. Jisung swipes his index finger upwards and presses the ‘Airplane Mode’ button from the Control Center settings. He can’t afford having Chan or Minho screaming directly at his ears after when he ran away like that. Maybe he is childish after all.

“Han Jisung !”

Jisung snaps his head backwards to find you standing there, disheveled hair, hands supporting on your knees with a glint of fierceness in your eyes. With the dim source of light from the Moon, you’re glowing under all of the sentimental glory that leaves him completely flustered. He’s really predictable, he thinks. Of course you’d know that he would end up choosing the park where he used to hang out with Seungmin since kindergarten. It’s also where he bawled his eyes out after his first breakup, having you rub little circles on his back and tell him that everything’s gonna be alright.

“What are you doing here ?” He asks soullessly although his heart his yelling at him to fall into your embrace.

“I told you, didn’t I ?” You say, breaths growing more even by the seconds. “I’m coming for you, I don’t care if you’re gonna kick me out of your life because I’m not allowing that.”

Jisung snickers, clicking his tongue in annoyance. “You rain-checked on Choi Yeonjun just like that ? Aren’t you afraid that he’s gonna break up with you tomorrow after finding you that you’re rummaging through the entire city to look for me, an absolute bastard who never leaves well enough alone ?”

You shoot him a stern look, brows slightly furrowed. “You didn’t let me finish, how rude. I’m trying to prove a point, don’t you see ? If I really didn’t give two fucks about you then why would I be here ? If I was really dating Choi Yeonjun then I could have just stayed at home and cuddled with him until Hyunjin kicked him out of our apartment. It’s been almost three hours, Jisung. Three fucking hours. I was running from place to place like a psychopath, got lost on some random streets, just to find you. Yes, just for you.”

He squints his eyes at you skeptically. “And your point is ?”

“I care about you.” You don’t even need to consider anything at this point and that has Jisung’s jaw dropped to the ground. “I could never hate you, even if I do, I can’t hate you for the rest of my life for my own good. Even when you call me ‘little cub’ fifty times a day, even when you make me pay for your ride, even when we almost threw hands at each other during lunch break, my feelings for you never change. Not even one bit.” You state confidently, taking long strides towards him.

Jisung looks at you with a blank expression, his lips pressed into a thin line. “I don’t know Y/N. You’re a fucking hot mess. For all I know, you second-guessed most of your decisions in life. What if you decided to pull—“ That’s it, you’re not enduring his ‘what if’-s bullshit any longer.

Without a word, you grab Jisung by the collar and pull him flush against you. When your lips collide with his, it feels like you’re being sent to the Moon and back continuously. Sparks of joy, lust, and mixed emotions ignite inside his heart when you trace your tongue over his then it explodes like a firework that lights up the eerie darkness effortlessly. Jisung slowly gives in and melts into the kiss, his hands snaking around your waist to hold you closer, feeling your warmth radiating off on his flannels. You’re the first one to pull away, hands trailing behind the nape of his neck.  “I can say that giving away my first kiss is enough to prove that the only thing I’ve never second-guessed was liking you.” You say breathlessly, trying to ignore the rouge on your cheeks. 

“I am your first kiss ?” He widens his eyes slightly.

You scoff at him while trying to act casual. “Be grateful at least you brat.” Jisung chuckles softly at you, slightly taken aback at your bold action as the feeling of your lips on his chills him to the bones. “Point taken.” At that moment, you quickly realize how his warm brown eyes hold their own galaxy with the stars shining so brightly that makes your heart swell. At that moment, you also realize that Jisung is your Sun because his smile alone can light up the whole celestial sphere. Meanwhile you’re his Moon because no matter what happens, you’ll always be here to brighten him up on the darkest of days.

And you both know that as long as you have each other, you will forever be radiant.

[saintgale]

I’m just. Venting a little about stupid art things.

It’s super frustrating to me when popular artists complain constantly about not getting enough views/likes/engagement/whatever on their art. Like, I get it. Especially once I guess someone has gotten used to a certain amount of interaction, be that likes or comments or whatever, but here I am still bitterly happy if I can get like. 10 likes on an art post. (Which, thank you so much to those of you who do, it’s like each and every one is a little smile that lights up my day, and I appreciate it very much.) Here and there I will get one that “blows up” to me (these are fanart posts, and I’m only talking like, a few hundred notes, which for me is a mindblowing amount), but it’s disheartening and discouraging when I put so much time, so much into making art and there’s nothing to show for it.

I know I shouldn’t, and I do not, make art to get engagement on my posts, and I have long ago given up the “gauging my self worth on how much interaction I get,” even though that mindset is STILL lodged into me (”you don’t get engagement on your artwork because your artwork is bad”), that I am not good enough, that I will never be good enough, that my art sucks. At the end of the day I’m drawing things like my characters because they make me happy, but damn if it wouldn’t be nice to be at a place, like those popular artists, who constantly have people asking about their ocs and reblogging their oc art and all that. I know it’s not going to happen to me, and that’s okay. But when I see people with like, consistently hundreds or thousands of interactions on their content, who have thousands of followers, and then are like “I’m underrated” and all that, it’s like, then what does that make the rest of us “invisible” artists?

I will make a small disclaimer up front that I’m not upset at their success (if anything I’m happy for it), it’s not anything like that, it’s more frustration at myself as to why I can’t reach that, and frustration that the consumer media culture has made it so that nothing is ever “enough.” (And I get that wanting to still grow and improve is perfectly valid.) But the whole phenomenon of making someone who has tens of thousands of followers and constant interaction with their content feel as if that still isn’t “enough” is really awful, for them and for everyone else who can’t “make it” like that.

And look. I know my art’s not “great.” It’s certainly not “professional” quality or anything like that, and I constantly struggle to find what I like about it or to just refrain from putting myself down about it. And part of the reason is the shit like this, the feeling that “no one likes it” and that it’s “not good enough” to get interaction or commissions. And I know, I know deep down that’s not true, that on the technical side I am the same skill level as some of these more popular people, then I think, well there must be something wrong with what I’m doing or something wrong with me.

It’s like. You pour your heart and soul out into trying to make things and trying to improve and you throw it out there and it just sits there. And rots.

It just kills you inside. And yes, there’s that stubborn part of me that persists and will always persist, that I make art for me, I make art because I like to, I do not make art to measure my self-worth or my success, I do not make art to try to beg for interaction, I make art because it makes me happy. But at the end of it all, it’s still a slap in the face. It still hurts, you know?

Especially when you try, and you’ve been trying for years, and it’s never amounted to anything. Years, and there must be something wrong with me, because I’m still stuck here, in the same place, I think with even less interaction than I used to get (I think that’s just because some people have moved on, and some people just left bc of the whole tumblr bullshit thing, which is totally understandable and okay), but what do you do after that? There’s no hope left, really. It’s just the feeling that you’re going to be a nobody forever, that no one cares, no one will care, that your art will always suck, and there’s nothing you can do about it no matter how hard you try. (So why try anymore?)

Also another thing I’m just salty and bitter about that’s somewhat related: not being able to sell commissions when I see popular artists around similar skill levels charging even more than x2 my prices for some things and getting commissions constantly/people asking about them constantly. (Which I know of course doesn’t mean people will buy in that second scenario, but it’s still so frustrating.) This goes also to adopts, which I don’t do and don’t buy (no money even if I wanted to lol), but I see the “popular” designs go for several times the amount of designs with similar detail and all that, the only difference being they’re done by smaller artists. Which, yeah, I also know right now the whole world is fucked and we’re all trying to just scrape by and keep ourselves afloat. And buying art is a luxury, I know that and I think artists absolutely should be charging more for their work. It is just, again, frustrating and disheartening, that I can’t even make a decent living wage on things even when I do sell. (And, again, then it just goes back to the stupid little voice in my head that goes, “Dratz, your art isn’t worth that. No one wants to pay that much for your bad art.” And I know that’s all bs but it still stings and persists.)

Which, again, thank you from the bottom of my heart to those who do commission me. I appreciate you all and love drawing for you!

I really hope this doesn’t come off as me being ungrateful for all that I do have--I am very humbled and of course immensely thankful. Sorry I’m just not good at articulating my thoughts and feelings.

[skvaderarts]

Hiraeth Chapter 47: Crossroads

Masterlist can be found Here!

Chapter Forty-Seven: Crossroads

Note: *laughs like that one jerk from Dexter’s Laboratory.* Sorry for any mistakes. It was just one of those days.

(-~-)

The last cards were placed on the table, and to the surprise of only one person present, they fell in the young blond woman’s favor. A bright smile spread across her face as the demon hunter in red walked past her and around the table towards his brother, ruffling her hair in the process. It seemed that she had as little mercy for first-timers as she did for experienced players. Just the way he’d taught her.

On Vergil's part, it was a resounding loss. Even after having the rules haphazardly explained to him by his younger twin and Lady as they debated which version of the game they were actually playing and what the house rules were, he’d been somewhat confident that he would be able to pull off a win. Naturally possessing what he understood the textbook definition of a “Pokerface” to be, he was almost certain that he had not managed to give himself away to his opponent. But that did not by any means explain why he had managed to not only lose the game but to do so with astonishing speed. That game couldn’t have lasted more than five minutes!

Rotating his head slightly to make eye contact with his brother, Vergil tilted his head back slightly so that he could more easily speak to his younger twin without the worry of the entire room hearing him. He wasn’t exactly whispering, but he did desire privacy for this particular inquiry.

“Are we entirely sure that she does not come from demonic blood, Dante?”

Laughing slightly at that statement, Dante shook his head and shrugged, more amused by the question than anything else. As much as he was hoping for a case of beginner’s luck for his unfortunate twin, it seemed that the gambling gods just didn’t favor their family. For all of Vergil’s talents, cards were one of the few things that they both sucked at. That said, he had lasted longer than he’d assumed he would against her, so credit was due there. He would need to run this test with both of his nephews once they had time. Perhaps they would fare better.

“Well, she comes from a family of Alchemists or something like that on her mom’s side, but she didn’t grow up with them, and I don’t think they practice anymore. The Lowell family, if I’m remembering that right. Could be wrong about that, though.”

He had to admit that this was news to him. Patty came from magic as well? He wondered for a moment if her family had had any dealings with the Ludwigs in the past. To his knowledge, they were the biggest coven still operating in these parts. But to be fair, they were not alchemists, either. While it was true that they did possess the requisite skills, and some among their ranks had dabbled in the craft, he doubted that any of them would stay that they were experts in the craft. They were far better sorceresses than anything else. 

“Curious…”

“Honestly, I think she’s just really good at cards. She held her own in a game against some pros about a decade ago. Patty subbed in for me at one point since I wasn’t exactly winning, and losing kinda meant you’d die. The demon we were trying to catch made sure of that. The whole situation was kind of a mess.” Dante said with a shrug, shaking his head as he watched Patty laugh at something that Lady and Trish were talking about from the other side of the small table. For a moment he remembered when he’d had a pool table in that very spot. He had to say that he missed it. One of these days he would have to get another one. She’d probably be good at that, too, and he’d love to teach her how to play.

Vergil went slightly wide-eyed for a moment, fully turning around to face his twin. He couldn’t have heard that statement correctly. Surely he was imagining things. Dante had done some extraordinary unintelligent things in his lifetime. They both had… but that…  “And you thought it was an acceptable decision to let her play under those conditions?!”

Somehow he instantly knew that he was either going to fully explain that decision or find himself pinned to the wall with Yamato stuck through his head and several spectral blades piercing every extremity he possessed. Yes, that did sound bad and it had also been pretty bad, but he had realized as much at the time, and he hadn’t allowed her to really go through with it. Dante might be bad at poker, but he did know how to read a table, and the second he sensed danger, he’d pulled her out of harm’s way. It hadn’t been a perfect decision, but it was what he had done in the heat of the moment.

“Look, it wasn’t my idea in the first place. I didn’t even know she was on the boat until she showed up. It just sorta happened, ya know? And I pulled her before anything serious could happen. I wouldn’t let her get hurt. We had a pretty good idea of what we were up against.” Dante said with another shrug, unsure as to what else he could say in a situation like that. He knew that Vergil knew he wouldn’t casually risk his life, but either way, he saw his older sibling’s point.

The Darkslayer calmed slightly at that revelation and nodded. He could believe that. His younger twin clearly cared a great deal for the young lady, but he still thought that it was an awful idea and a fair bit irresponsible on his brother’s part. Knowing it hadn’t been his idea lessened that somewhat. He just hoped he wouldn’t willingly partake in something so foolish again. But considering his own track record, he was aware of the fact that he had very little ground to stand on. 

But if that was the case, then it meant that magical intervention was very unlikely, even if she had done so involuntarily. A child her age who didn’t know that she was in possession of possible power could unwittingly sway things in her favor, but he sincerely doubted that to be the case in this situation. No, she was simply just that good at the game. A genuine advisory to go up against, then. He liked that.

“… I must improve, then.”

“Good luck with that, Vergil,” Dante said as he gave his older twin a supportive pat on the shoulder. His older twin had his work cut out for him if he thought for even a second that he was going to stand a chance at beating Patty in a game of poker. If he’d never done it before and he actually knew how to play poker, then what hope did his older twin have?

Just a few feet away from the twins, Lady was laughing slightly to herself as Trish sighed and handed her the cash she owed, somewhat begrudgingly. That was what she got for assuming for even a second that Patty might ever lose a game of poker. She had to be more careful with her bets going forward. After all, Lady was a dab hand at seizing financial opportunities, and the last thing that Dante would be doing was paying back his debt anytime soon. She wouldn’t be expecting any cash from him anytime soon.

(-~-)

The cup clicked quietly as it was placed back down on the table, the tray that normally housed it gone for the moment. Using a coffee cup for tea didn’t feel right to her, and she couldn’t seem to get the ratio of sugar and water right, not to mention that the tea was either too strong or too weak for her liking. It was a never-ending cycle of mediocrity, but she would live. Bad tea was a travesty, but it wouldn’t kill her unless she mixed the wrong leaves into it, and she kept those out of her reach in another part of her house just in case she did just that in a moment of thoughtless ineptitude.

A sudden knock at the door drew her attention and aroused her suspicions as Magnolia stood up and slowly headed over towards the entrance to her home, she stopped. No one had a reason to come and knock on her door this late at night. Something didn’t feel right about this, and she knew it. Whatever was on the other side of that door could be a threat. She needed to keep her guard up.

Fixing up a quick defensive spell, she placed her left hand behind her back, keeping it at the ready as she approached the door. A quick glance through the peephole was all that it took for her to realize that someone she had never seen before in a white hoodie and a pair of black jeans stood at her door. They shifted from side to side as though they were nervous, and she noted that she could more than likely take advantage of this fact.

Opening the door quickly and giving them a sideways look, she was unsurprised when they stepped back a few steps, clearly startled and seemingly scared out of their mind. It was then that she realized that this younger individual seemed to have a bit of blood on their side. Were they injured?

Before she could inquire as to what they were doing at her doorway and what was going on, they cleared their throat and looked around, clearly nervous. “Please, there isn’t much time. I need to tell you something. I’ll explain everything, but you have to let me in. I can’t let them see either of us, or it won’t end well. I know you don’t know me, but I’m begging you to trust me. I don’t have anything to gain by lying.”

She studied them for a moment, considering his words. They seemed to grow more and more afraid by the moment, and she didn’t sense anything amiss about them. Perhaps whatever unease she felt in the pit of her stomach was due to whatever they were seemingly fleeing from. If that was the case, then she was going to need to activate the defensive wards she had placed around her house. Something told her that she would regret it if she didn’t.

“You had better not be playing me for a fool, child. I don’t like to play games with strangers. Come in quickly. You have some explaining to do.

A look of elated relief crossed the stranger’s face as they practically dived through the door, clearly feeling instantaneously safer just by crossing the threshold of her house. She folded her arms as they took a moment to compose themselves before turning back to face her, shuddering from the change in temperature in her home as opposed to the arctic cold front that had moved in just outside of the door.

“That’s what I’m here to do, ma’am. To explain everything… And to warn you of what’s to come. Because it’s bad. Very, very bad. And I don’t think any of you are ready.”

(-~-)

It hadn’t really occurred to them until they had left that they didn’t really have a way of getting to V’s house on the other side of town without the van. Nico was still in Fortuna, and couldn’t get a ferry over to the mainland until morning came, so they were either looking at walking about ten miles, or they were going to be taking the metro lines. It wasn’t exactly a difficult choice, but it did mean that Nero wasn’t going to get to eat whatever Kyrie had been making for dinner. It was a tragedy that his father would pay dearly for if not for the circumstances.

Unfortunately, hindsight is twenty-twenty after all, and while Nero registered the fact that they should have probably just gone back to the office and asked his father to drop them back off at their respective homes, he couldn’t say that any of them really had anything better to do than catch a train and go for a ride.

As they entered the terminal, the trio was surprised by how quickly they almost got lost. It seemed that several lines were out of order due to the destruction caused by the Qliphoth several months back, and what few people there were seemed to be a bit on edge about the prospect of riding a train when just some parts of the region were still experiencing inconsistent tectonic activity as a result of the attack. Apparently, some of the areas that had once been inhabited by the roots of the massive demonic tree were still settling.

Nero genuinely wondered if they would ever be able to repair that city; if the lives of everyone who had once been in that region would ever be the same. The majority of the people there had been able to evacuate before the worst had happened, but it had been a huge place, and countless lives had still been lost. 

Perhaps it was best that he not think about it for now. It was still all over the news as it was, looming over the hearts and minds of everyone who heard or saw it. After all, everyone knew. And it seemed that the laboratories that had been contracted to research the cause of the destruction had been unable to come up with a scientific explanation for the flora that had started to bloom within the exclusion zone in the time since the attack. Well, at least one that didn’t obviously scream “demons”. 

Big surprise there. 

The general public the world over seemed to know what had really happened there since so many people had been there at the time and lived to describe their first-hand experiences, but while the local government attempted to find any other explanation, the damage was done. Even if no one running the country wanted to go on paper or public television and explain the actual reason, seeing it with their own eyes had been all the proof that basically every resident of the surrounding area needed.

Bleak times they lived in.

Slipping through the security checks had been surprisingly simple. While there had been a man on standby with a metal detector, the second that V’s cane had set off the machine, he’d allowed them both to pass, seemingly uncomfortable with the fact that he was holding someone up who probably didn’t like to stand for long periods of time. He had more than likely assumed that asking for the young summoner to stand there without his cane while he looked it over would be overstepping somewhat, so he had simply allowed them to pass, not realizing that in an ironic twist both Lucia and Nero possessed weapons of their own, and that V was certainly more dangerous than his frail demeanor allowed him to appear.

As they approached the onboarding ramp, Lucia took a look at the map. She had made a point of trying to remember where all of their homes were in case she needed to find them, and although she didn’t know basically any of the local street names, she remembered a few key ones. Namely the larger intersections closest to their homes. And back home she was quite good at traversing the underground railways in her area. This wouldn’t be too bad. “To my understanding, we should only need to go three stops.”

Looking over at the wall-mounted route map, V studied it for a few seconds before nodding in agreement. He then turned back to looking over at… whatever he had been looking at previously, shifting in discomfort slightly. Nero and Lucia both took note of this subtle change in his demeanor, but were hesitant to ask what seemed to be making him so uncomfortable. That was until V swayed slightly and had to catch himself, his palm making its way up to his forehead before his fingered rubbed his left temple. He didn’t seem to be in noticeable pain, but he was most certainly disorientated.

“I hope you don’t mind me asking, but is something wrong? Are you alright?” Lucia asked pleasantly, clearly worried. She allowed her right arm to list slowly as she got within catching distance of the young man, unwilling to allow him to topple over should the need arise. He couldn’t be that heavy.

Nero nodded in agreement, placing his hand on V’s shoulder and gesturing towards a bench that sat near the boarding area. People were watching them more than they already had been when how much they stood out was taken into account, but that was the least of Nero’s concerns. “Do you want to sit down? You seem kinda dizzy or something.”

V shook his head slightly, lowering his hand. He then looked back over in the direction of the boarding platform that he had been studying just a second before. It stood on the opposite side of the tracks, and he couldn’t say that he wasn’t concerned with what he thought he’d seen. He liked to believe that his eyes were simply playing tricks on him, but that was rarely the case. His hearing and eyesight were perfectly fine, exceedingly so, in fact. His mind might play tricks on him, but his other senses did not.

“I believe that someone may be following us.”

The devil hunter with the short hair turned to look, but Lucia stopped him. She then looked back over at V, nodding very subtly. “Then it may be best to not let them know that we are onto them. What gave them away?”

Gesturing in a manner casual enough to not attract attention, V tilted his head slowly in a pointing manner towards the other side of the tracks. There, an obscure figure in a long white coat stood by a pole, looking directly at them with what could only be described as an intense stare. They didn’t move, and their face couldn’t be clearly made out from where they were. It was as if there were some otherworldly that kept them from being able to identify this figure, and it was unnerving, to say the least.

“... Call it a hunch that I have.”

Seemingly realizing what he was referring to, Lucia was about to say something when a train pulled across in front of the other side of the track, obscuring the target of their attention. A little less than a minute passed before it pulled off again, revealing that the person in question had disappeared. They looked around, not seeing where they had gone but now silently alarmed that they had lost them. There was no way that they could board the train now. Allowing this individual to know where they were going wasn’t at all a card that they were willing to play.

“What do you think we should-’”

Just as Lucia was attempting to finish asking her question, a screeching noise could be heard from the train tunnel on their right side, the direction that their ride should have been coming from. Cacophonous screaming could be heard as people with a better view of the platform suddenly turned and ran for the stairs on either side of them. Backing up out of reflex, the trio looked at one another, unsure as to what was going on.

But they didn’t have to wonder for long. Just seconds later an ear-piercing screech echoed through the terminal as the train came flying through the terminal on its side and crashed into a support beam, knocking them back on their backs and the wind out of their lungs with the sheer force of the impact it made with the platform they were standing on. As the power to the terminal cut, a rumbling noise could be heard from all around them as part of the ceiling above them to one side cracked and fell in. And then everything went dark.

(-~-)

*Laughs evilly to myself.* Some of you asked if the finale was drawing near. I assure you, this is the beginning of the true build-up to that climax. It’s going to take a few chapters to get there, but now that all of the main players have been introduced, we can begin the true descent into madness. *Evil laugh.*

I hope you enjoyed the cliffhanger! See you next week on Wednesday and in the comment section. Stay safe out there!

[psycholojosh]

Got my first 1.00 in grad school!

I just want to take the time to share my happiness lately.

When the pandemic began last year, I was saddened by a lot of things. One of them was the lost opportunity to study cognitive-behavioral therapy (or CBT) in-depth when I enrolled in a class. Psych 249 - that was the course code. I was excited for that class because CBT is a popular form of therapy these days. And surprisingly, I learned that it was an umbrella of many therapies that tackle the cognitive and behavioral connection. To top of it, one of my favorite professors, Dr. Divine Love Salvador (awesome name, I know), was instructing us.

Before the lock downs and quarantines and face-to-face classes were still done, I was really looking forward to this class. CBT was a therapeutic approach that I really wanted to hone into and explore. Not to mention, Doc Div (my prof's nickname in school) is an expert in this approach. She and her fellow faculty in the clinical program believe in the power of experiential learning when it comes to training. Our class would meet once a week for three hours. She would discuss theory on the first hour, have a pair demonstrate a technique in front of the class in the second, and have us do our own activity and psychotherapy simulations on the third. The learning was so amazing! I was really looking forward to my turn in the demo since I saw how helpful the post-demo cliniquing was. Plus, my classmates were all insightful people.

Partway in the semester, classes halted due to the pandemic. We were all of a sudden left to our own devices to study. This wasn't surprising to me since I entered graduate school. Grad school has really shaped me to become an independent learner and thinker. But, the complication was the pandemic and the redirected goals to survive and thrive. Doc Div emailed us instructions on the stuff we were "required" to submit with a deferred deadline to a year later - this year.

We were asked to write a case formulation paper - which is a common skill for any psychotherapy class - about a fictional case of an eating disorder. We were also asked to come up with a CBT-informed project that aimed to either educate or be therapeutic for a target audience. This was a group effort and I was grouped with my friends, so I was excited. And lastly, we had to write a final reflection paper based on questions she provided for us in the email. These seemed a lot to finish, so I was thankful for the deferment of our deadlines (and grades).

A few weeks later, as COVID-19 cases were rising and a lot of people were experiencing various psychosocial issues, our university's mental health clinic decided to open its services for free to our own students and staff, frontline healthcare workers, and their respective families. Doc Div was quick to email us the opportunity to volunteer for this initiative for extra credit. I didn't mind the credit at all, yet I decided to volunteer because I wanted to help. And I also realized that the learning I would get from this opportunity would be substantial. Lo and behold, I was assigned to my other professor, Ma'am Sandy Ang (my prof in Psych 264, the Psychopathology class), as my clinical supervisor. In a span of 6 months, I met with a total of 4 clients, each having their own cycles of supervised psychosocial support sessions with me. It wasn't until the end of the year did I accomplish the requested reflection paper. I'll tell more about my experiences here in another post.

Months leading to the deadline, I collaborated with my group to finish an educational blog site about learning skills on boundary setting. We were somewhat happy with the outcome; and we knew that we can improve on it further. Likewise, I have been reading the case given to us for the formulation paper. I started writing bit by bit since the previous year, but only to organize the details. It wasn't until the final two months that we were told that the paper could be done as a group. The idea clicked: I have to work with my group so I could stay afloat from the stress. Luckily, I accomplished a lot in my own, so I only had to present them to the group, ask for their inputs, and add what was missing together.

The process was stressful, to be honest, even as a group. There was a lot of further reading, late night calls to discuss things, writing and preparing materials. It was chaotic, but I felt like I was doing something right and learning something new. Though, I couldn't help but wish for the time that I could "re-learn" all of this with a guidance of an expert or professor.

But anyway... we were buzzer beaters. Submitting by the 11:59pm mark and giving the final sigh as our emails with the requirements attached were making their way to Doc Div's inbox. I felt so much relief knowing how much hard work we've put into our requirements. It didn't take long for our profs to give us our grades from last year. I opened my student portal account and...

An uno?

An uno!

I was so shocked but thrilled that I felt like my hardwork paid off!

The thing is, the sem doesn't count to our final computation of our general weighted averages, so that kinda sucks. But, I'm happy to report how I was able to show some promise with the subject I wanted to learn so much from. Even if I felt alone for the most part, having my groupmates and our collctive efforts made me feel like it was all worth it.

I really do look forward to when the "newer" normal would present us the opportunity to come to school in person again. Online learning is an adventure, but like many I have taken, I get tired of it too. I also miss the things we take for granted, like the facial expressions or the ability to chitchat with my seatmate in class. It made my grad school life all the more fun. But until then, we gotta do what we gotta do.

Cheers! I hope you get your success in these trying times too.

[s0ulhealing]

Well— I’ve literally typed and erased paragraphs multiple times at this point. I don’t even really know where to start but I have to remind myself that that’s okay. That this is meant to be organic... and raw... and literally just everything I’m feeling- however it comes. It doesn’t always need to be grammatically correct~ nor does it need to make sense to anyone but me.

It’s been a long time since I’ve made myself vulnerable when it comes to writing. I mean... I haven’t done this in nearly ten years. This as in tumblr. And even then, my writing habits have came in waves. I went years without hardly writing a thing but I know that writing is so healthy... especially for an overthinking, over feeling empath like me. I plan to write about and share a lot of personal things throughout this journey. I don’t think I can really afford therapy... or maybe I’m just intimidated by the fact that I wouldn’t even know where to start... but for whatever the reason(s) I’m avoiding it... I’ve somewhat convinced myself that tumblr might be a solid replacement to a therapist.

I need to get these things out. I need an outlet to share the things I feel. The struggles I face. My experiences, dreams and everything in between.

Because things are going to get personal, I do plan on going by a name other than my own. So to all of you, I will be Rae <3 I will also more than likely change most of the names of the people in any of the stories I share. Not that I expect this to reach many people... but just to keep it confidential-ish I’m just gonna do it. Plus it might just be fun lol.

The idea of being able to have a social media platform that isn’t about sharing all of the good things in my life... and where I’m able to NOT give a shit what other people think about me is so exciting. I’m the type of person that maybe like... I dunno~ three times in a year I will ‘overshare’ or put something out on the internet and will almost instantly regret it. As soon as people start commenting and reacting to it I’m just like what the fuck did I just do lol. I think I immediately get overwhelmed with the fact that I now have put my business out there and people start to get involved... making me feel obligated to respond to whatever they say. Which I hate. I’m not a good replier. I literally suck at texting anyone I’m not already super close with. Same with how this whole thing started, I will type and delete a text message multiple times over. It takes me so long to collect a thought that makes sense. It literally blows my mind that some people can respond to things in literal seconds. I need time to like... think about a good response. And time to proof read and re read. I dunno. Like, when I’m messaging my best friends it literally doesn’t matter how I text. The way I text them is a beautiful demonstration of how my wacko brain works. I will literally send multiple messages with short sentences, paragraphs, even sometimes just one word all broken up into a ton of different texts. I think I feel confined when trying to send a message all wrapped up into one text message. It’s like... how on earth can I fit all this crazy into one bubble? So yeah, I think that’s a huge reason i end up regretting putting things on the internet via my social media accounts.

I think that this platform will be really healthy for me... and even though I don’t really know what I’m doing on here anymore I’m sure in due time I will figure it out. I’m excited for this journey. I’m looking for release, a way to truly work through the things that bring me pain, a way to better get to know myself, a history book of my mind... a way to guide myself through the weirdness of the world. Hopefully a way to connect with people who struggle with similar things as me... a better understanding of where I’m at. For too long I have suppressed a lot of things that cause me pain. I went through years of traumatic mental abuse and just closed the chapter and moved on like nothing happened. I don’t even think anyone close to me knows 100% of everything that went on during that relationship just because while it was happening I didn’t want anyone to know and at this point I just feel like after a year a half of it being over everyone close to me is tired of hearing about it. Which I totally get... because everyone close to me was over my ex like... years before I was unfortunately. But there was just a lot of shitty things that happened during that time that might be healthy for me to process. I dunno. I just like knowing that I have the option of being able to share these things ‘out loud’ without feeling guilty.

I’m excited to see where this goes.

I think one of the beautiful things about the internet is it’s ability to connect us to other people similar to us. The internet does have the ability to make us feel a lot less alone. A lot of the things that make —us— us aren’t on the surface. They aren’t things that you can just ‘tell’ by looking at people. The things that really make us —US- run deep, deep on the inside. In the way we think. How we feel. The experiences we’ve had and the way we perceive things. Everyone has their ‘things’ they don’t really talk about. The things maybe only they’re super super close people know... even then, sometimes they still don’t share. For whatever reason. I think for me, the things I don’t share are the things I wish I could share the most. The things I keep to myself are the things that bring me the most pain. I wonder if that’s the case for most people? Probably. We’re so conditioned to think we all just have to struggle and go through things on our own that we all feel this insane amount of guilt when sharing the heavy stuff. I say ‘we all’ even though I know it doesn’t pertain to e v e r y o n e but i know that there are people like me who definitely relate to that statement.

I’m also hoping that getting these thoughts out on paper improves my everyday communication skills. Working through and processing outside the confinement of my brain will hopefully allow me to get more well rounded thoughts out which will hopefully allow me to just be able to communicate better in general.

Yay <3

To new beginnings ~ and after an extremely intense and transformational full moon I am excited to start this journey now. I would like to share my intention of creating at least ~one~ journal entry every single day from full moon to full moon. I owe it to myself to be heard.

I owe it to myself to make the time.

there’s a lot of inner work that needs to be done- and I am ready to start this journey. I control my happiness and this is MY LIFE TO L I V E.

so much love,

Rae <3