#so I feel like Fina saying this feels a little forced because this is pretty close to the beginning of the game

[quibbs126]

Also, I just want to show you this conversation in the game because I think it’s pretty interesting

[elisedonut]

What is the difference between flint/percy and perciver

because they look the same to me and i dont get it

Hello!!

Love this question thank you for sending it to me!

ok so keep in mind what we do actually know about Marcus and Oliver is a little limited so alot of this is more just how I see them personally at this moment in time alright?

Also this may be annoying to read so ill add a TLDR at the end jdfhadk

Really though for me at least when it comes to Flintley vs Perciver alot of it comes more down to outside factors and just Marcus being meaner

Like Flintley is a very "mean to everyone but you" type of ship to me. Even though I do still think he has his moments when it comes to Percy anyway. it's a ship where one side falls within a few meetings most of the time to me (normally Flint). A ship where when/if the other person falls to that everything else will happen extremely quickly.

It's also slightly a Flustered/Experienced ship dynamic to me because of me recently being obsessed with the concept of Marcus being a total prude who doesn't want to disappoint his family any more then he already has. Like that isn't always important but it's fun to play with and not something I tend to play with when it comes to Perciver.

Because with Oliver I tend to actually think of him as having a very loving family who treat him really well mostly because of the fun difference that shows with Percy's family.

Also I think the fact Oliver never seems like embarrassed or concerned about how much he only cares about Quidditch is a sign that his home life is pretty good or at the very least like supportive of him.

While with Marcus I like to make his family even worse then the Weasley's for the same reason. So I tend to think of them as putting a lot of pressure on him and him having a very difficult time living up to it.

I'm also one of those people that take the text fuck up the writer made about Marcus' year in the first book as just him having failed that year so i don't tend to think of Percy and Marcus interacting much at all before like Percy's sixth year.

Even though it was later fixed I think it's just more interesting and adds more layers to him and another thing for him to feel like a fuck up about as well as just being an easy way to force him and Percy to interact.

so it just stays fact to me.

Perciver is a slow burn friends to lovers type ship to me I know enemies to lovers is like gaining ground with them but I personally don't care for it much. I prefer when they do still end up bickering at times but for the most part get along really well.

I think even after both of them realize they have feelings that it takes forever for them to own up to it. Neither side wants to lose the other as a friend so they both try to just push it down and ignore it even though it doesn't really work very well

Both sides are convinced the other is way to good to be with someone like them so everything is very slow moving

I tend to think of them as getting together later in life vs a Hogwarts romance.

I do think both ships have a an obsessive like tint to them because both Marcus and Oliver both have that obsessive personality

though I do think Flints more of a bitch about it

Oliver at least tries not to be a jealous bitch and just kind of buries it when he feels it

While Flint doesn't even attempt to hide when he's having a jealousy fit

I think most of the Weasleys adore Oliver and can't stand Marcus

I think Oliver is more likely to not take Percy's side on something if he really thinks he's wrong when it comes to his family (even though he wouldn't say that actually in front of the other Weasleys)

while Percy could literally say something way off and incorrect and Marcus will still be 120% on his side against his family(and will say so Infront of them without care)

Marcus is more likely to not try to convince Percy to always forgive his family

while I think Oliver would be likely to try to

even though in both cases I do think the final decision is left to Percy either way and both would follow what he decides

Oliver's first love is Quidditch but Percy is very close behind it

Marcus puts Percy above everything else to an unhealthy degree

So Tldr the main big differences to me

Flintley:

Meaner then Oliver

Quick burn feelings

Flustered/Experienced

Later interaction

Flints are worse then the Weasleys

Outwardly Jealous

Weasley's hate him

Handles Weasley conflict by always loudly taking Percy's side even if he's wrong

Percy >>>>>>>>> Everything else

Perciver:

Nicer then Marcus

Slow burn feelings

Friends to lovers

And they were roommates

Woods are better then the Weasleys

Tries to hide his Jealousy(he fails)

Weasleys love him

Handles Weasley conflict by forming an actual opinion on the matter at hand and talking to Percy about it privately

Quidditch > Percy >>>>>>>>> Everything else

[mrsarnasdelicious]

The Band of Bebbanburgh - I - How Sihtric Met Finan

Uhtred enters the small messy apartment like he owns it. He most certainly owns a key to it...

"Sihtric!" He yells.

The apartment's inhabitants hurried from the bathroom, half naked and tucking himself away. "What were you doing?" Uhtred asks. "Taking a piss. The fuck you doing in my house?" The young man asks in reply. "You call this a house?" Finan frowns at the kid. He can't be older than twenty or so. "Who the fuck are you?" The lads round on the Irishman. So much for a pleasant first meeting. Uhtred most certainly miscalculated there.

Uhtred coughs dryly.

Finan and the younger man both turn to him. "Fina, Sihtric. Sihtric, Finan." He says curtly. Sihtric steps forward, offering Finan a hand. "Go wash up first." Finan scoffs. Uhtred groans in mild desperation. "Yes, sir." Sihtric sneers, slouching to his tiny kitchen.

Finan can't help but stare at the lad's ass, which looks utterly phenomenal.

Sihtric washes his hands and comes back to both older men. "Now what'd you interrupt my lazy sunday for?" He asks Uhtred. "I just wanted to introduce Finan." Uhtred replies. "Fek off." Finan says. Both Uhtred and Sihtric look at him with surprise evident on their faces. "Oh come the fuck on. Uhtred, you did not drag me all the way to the back of town just to shake this sorry sods pissy hand." He says. "I washed it!" Sihtric protests.

"Alright... you're here for more than hands." Uhtred rolls his eyes at the instant bickering. Then he turns to Sihtric. "You'll do him, pro bono." It is an order. "Yes sir." Sihtric rolls his eyes. "And you better fuck off with the attitude." Uhthred snarls.

And then he just leaves.

Finan is utterly nonplussed. "Do me?" He furrows his brows. Sihtric scoffs and flops down on the absolutely prehystoric looking sofa. "Yeah, let you fuck me." He grabs a cig and lights it. The scent of smoke and vanilla spreads through the studio apartment. "Wait what?" Finan can barely believe what he is hearing. "Uhtred thinks I am his little bitch boy to use, just because I pay the bulk of my rent with sex work." Sihtric takes another drag of his cig. "Bullshit." Finan swears. "It is the only thing I am good at." Sihtric replies wryly.

"I am sure that is not true." Finan begins to feel sorry for the kid. But Sihtric scoffs, blowing smoke from his nose. "I'm a cage fighter, but it doesn't make me enough to pay rent and do the shopping." He says. "Fucking shit." Finan hisses. Sihtric sends him an unamushed look. "I don't need your pity, so you can fuck off with it. Now do you want me to suck your cock or not?" It is a sneer and Finan wonders if Sihtric is being forced into this by Uhtred. He wouldn't pin his new friend like that type of guy...

"You don't have to." He rumbles.

Sihtric snuffs his cig. He gets up and saunters over to the Irishman. He falls to his knees. "I bet you're thick. And you trim. I want to smell the sweat in your pubic hair." He murmurs. Finan opens his mouth to tell him he shouldn't, but Sihtric nuzzles his face against the faded cloth of his jeans. "I will make you cum so hard, you will never want another." Sihtric purrs.

He opens Finan's fly. He mouthes at the cloth of Finan's boxers. "Oh Jesus Fucking Christ." Finan groans. His prick is beyond just interested. He is hard as a rock and already creating a precum stain in the grey cotton. "Oh fuck, you smell so good." Sihtric whimpers. He mouthes at the stain, hot wet mouth agonisingly close to the head of Finan's cock. Finan drags his finger through Sihtric's dark hair. All his protests are forgotten all he can focus on is Sihtric's mouth. And then he looks down... Into those mismatched eyes. And he knows he is lost.

One pool of ocean and one pit of mud.

Sihtric pulls Finan's boxers down his thighs. The Irishman's cock springs free. "Mouth watering." He hisses. And then he lewdly opens his mouth. "You want me to fuck your pretty whore mouth?" Finan growls. Sihtric nods. Finan craddles Sihtric's chin. The younger man's whispery goaty tickles his palm. "Such a good boy." He growls. Sihtric whines in reply. He is impatient, it seems to Finan.

He takes his cock in his hand and slap his glans down on Sihtric's bottom lip, which is swollen to lsuh plumpness with wanton arousal. Sihtric is turned on by this, too. His tongue comes out to swipe at the slit in Finan's cockhead. "Jesus, you know what you are doing, don't ye baby?" Finan groans. Sihtric, in form of answer, closes his mouth on the first inches of Finan's cock.

He is still looking up at Finan.

"I'll make you gag." Finan warns. Sihtric sucks more of him into his eager, wanton mouth. Finan tightens his hand into the youth's hair, grunting like a rutting boar. It had been a while since he had last been given a good round of head. His last girlfriend hadn't wanted to do it. Said he smelled weird, not matter how good or how often he washed. But Sihtric relaxes the muscles of his throat and shoves his face against Finan's pubic bone.

Too soon, Finan feels his orgasm approach. It is rushing in on him like a fucking freight train. He drags Sihtric off by his hair. His cock comes free with a lewd wet pop. Sihtric whines at the loss. "Not yet." Finan shakes his head. Sihtric pouts up at him.

"Get up!" Finan orders. Sihtric obeys without a shred of hesitation. Finan's eyes rove over the younger man's body. The lad is well built and his cock is standing to attention. "Take off your joggers." Finan tries to sound gentler. Again, Sihtric obeys without a peep. His cock springs free, throbbing and glistening with precum.

Finan closes the distance between them.

Sihtric's breath hitches as Finan grabs his hard, slick shaft. "You were as ready to cum as I." It is not even a question. He gives Sihtric a slow languid jerk. "Well?" He presses the youth for it. "Yes ... Yes sir." Sihtric moans. "Such a flithy little slut you are." Finan growls. "Thank you, sir." Sihtric demures.

Finan cups Sihtric's cheek with his free hand. Sihtric closes his eyes without having to be told. "Good boy." Finan growls. And then he closes the distance.

KIssing Sihtric feels easier than kissing any woman he's ever been intimate with. He's never been with a man before, yet the feeling of Sihtric's strong yet supple lips is like coming home. He is coming home to the taste of vanilla, nicotine and his own cock and the vibration of Sihtric's wicked moans against his lips. He could very well drown in those moans.

He unhands Sihtric's cock. "Bedroom, now." He snarls. "Fuck ues, sir." Sihtirc breathes.

He traipses into his bedroom, Finan hot on his heels.

Unlike the main area, the bedroom is tidy and Sihtric's bed is huge.

Just for good measure, Finan grabs Sihtric by the hips and throws him into the sheets. "You are going to wish Uhtred had never taken me to you." He hisses. Sihtric rolls onto his back, cock point at the ceiling. "All mouth and no trousers." He purrs as a challenge. Finan scoffs loudly and makes quick work of his clothes.

Once he is as naked as Sihtirc, he crawls on top of him.

Sihtric moans as their cocks collide. Finan bucks his pelvis right away. "Gods! Will you fuck me?" Sihtric asks. His voice trembles a little. Finan takes a moment to consider the situation. Not fifteen minutes before he was worried Uhtred was forcing Sihtric into prostitution and now he was buckarse naked in the lad's bed. Did something go wrong along the way? Or is Sihtric just this hot on him?

"Do you want me to fuck you? For true?" Finan asks, very seriously. "I want you to fuck the tar out of me. Fuck you like you hate me." Sihtric replies. "No, I won't, you have not earned my hate. You deserve better." Finan tells the younger man . Sihtric flusters and looks away. "At least don't pretend you love me. I don't want your fucking pity." He tries to sound snide.

"I won't give you pity. But I will not hate you either. I just want to know I am not forcing you into anything." Finan says. Sihtric pushes Finan over, so now he is on his back in the younger man's stead. Sihtric straddles his hips and clasps a hand on his throat. "I want to feel the imprint of that massive fucking cock for the next two weeks. I want to show off the bruises you'll leave on me. Make me proud of the screw up I am, for the love of the fucking gods." He hisses.

His hand on Finan's throat slowly starts to close. Finan knows he is trying to provoke him into rash actions.

Finan puts his hand around Sihtric's wrist. "You can ride me, if you like." He rumbles. Sihtric's grip slackens, a little. It's a start. "Do you want to ride my cock, Sihtric?" He asks. Sihtric nods and allows Finan to move his hand from his throat, to his chest. "Yes, I do." Sihtric whispers. "Can I prep you first?" Finan might not have been with a man before, but he is not stupid. He knows anal takes time. "You don't have to." Sihtric replies, though it is unabashed. His mood seems to be evening out. "I don't want to hurt you." Finan says gently.

Finally Sihtric smiles at him. "You won't hurt me. I'm, as one would say, well trained. Aaaand I played with myself just before Uhtred brought you." He says. Finan cups Sihtric ass, fingers slipping into the cleft. "So you are still open and relaxed for me." He purrs lewdly. He presses his fingertip into Sihtric's pucker. Sihtric moans sweetly. "One more?" Finan asks. "More like two. You're quite big." Sihtric replies. "All at once?" Finan furrows one raven coloured brow. "I can handle it." Sihtric says. And thus Finan adds two fingers at once. Sihtric pushes back on him. "Gods, fuck." He groans. "You good?" Finan asks. The youth nods, confident and grinning. He is proud of it too, Finan realises.

"I'll get you a condom." Sihtric says. "No raw ploughing?" Finan teases. "Not today." Sihtric replies playfully. "So there will be a next time?" Finan asks. "Are you kidding, where else am I getting a cock like yours." Sihtric murmurs. Finan decides not to push the matter. Sihtric gets off of him to retrieve a condom from his cok drawer. Finan takes the time to marvel at his back and arse.

Sihtric is gorgeous, in a strange, rebellious sort of way. He's muscular, well trained, with thick cordy muscles. His skin is pale, but has an odd oiled glow to it, though his skin is not feeling that moist. His hair is dark brown, shaved up on the sides and kept moderately short. He has a tattoo spanning from the side of his head to his neck. He wears several bracelets and rings, and Thor's Hammer on a leather thong around his neck. He keeps a whispey moustache and even less of a goaty. But he pulls it off. He pulls it off like the piercings in the shell of his ears and the tiny gemstone in one nostrill. He just does.

Sihtric comes back to bed.

Without any further ado about anything not concerning Finan's cock, he rolls the condom over The Irishman's considerable erection. And then he just sinks down on him!

"Holy Jesus!" Finan all but shouts. "Your Jesus has nothing to do with this." Sihtric says. "Then who does?" Finan purrs warmly. "Freyr and Loki." Is the reply. Finan only recognises Loki because of the marvel films. But he decides to ask later.

Sihtric rides him in a slow yet deft way that has Finan teetering on the edge and at the same time want more. So much more!

"Let me make you cum." He rumbles. Sihtric looks a little surprised. "I ... erm..." He flusters a little. "I could cum from just this..." He mumbles. "You don't have to." Finan replies warmly. He curls his fingers around Sihtric's cock. The youth moans, rolling his hips. "So beautiful." Finan growls. "Thank you, sir." Sihtric lisps. He fucks Finan's fist, precum all but dribbling from his slit. "You gonna cum for me, pretty boy?" Finan rasps. Sihtric moans, but shakes his head. "No, why not?" Finan taunts. "Too- too soon." Sihtric says, his voice a soft whine. Finan laughs warmly. I won't last long, Princess. Go chase that high." He says. "Okay, but I want you to choke me." Sihtric replies.

Finan decides not to question it. The regrets are for later, like with anything he does. He is far from the good catholic boy his parents wanted him to be.

He grabs Sihtric by the throat. The young man's eyes blow wide and he moans like a fucking pornstar. "Jesus fuck." Finan growls. He clasps Sihtric's throat firmly, while also still jacking him off. But Sihtric shoos his hand from his cock. "Just choke me." He hisses.

Finan obliges. He tightens his grip on Sihtric's throat. The youth moans as best he can. His cock twitches, precum gushes from the throbbing red head down on Finan's abs. "Gunna be a good boy an' cum?" Finan growls. Sihtric nods feebly. Finan tightens his grip a little more, causing Sihtric to whimper loudly. "Say it." Finan whispers. Sihtric leans into his grip, moaning as best he can. Finan does not actually expect the youth to speak. But he sees Sihtric enjoys the taunting.

Sihtric's cock twitches wildly, more precum gushing from the slit.

"Go on." Finan growls. Sihtric whimpers loudly. He is dangling right on the edge. He is so close he can taste his climax. It is inevitable. "I'm gona.. Fuck I'm gona cum." He croaks. "Then cum." Finan snarls, tightening his grip a little more. That shoves Sihtric firmly over the edge. He moans feebly, spending himself all over Finan's belly. He cums quite generously, shooting as far as Finan's chest. "Good boy. Such a good boy for me." Finan growls. "Now you ride me, make me cum too." He instructs. He knows it won't take long. The way Sihtric's ass is clenching around him already has him on the edge.

"Yes sir.." Sihtric demures.

He puts his hands on the perfect sculpt of Finan's chest. Finan's breath hitches as though he is bracing himself. He knows Sihtric is gona do well. And indeed, Sihtric begins to ride him like he's trying to break his pelvis. Finan grabs him firmly by the hips to slow him down, but Sihtric is not having it.

"Fucking cum for me." He hisses. "Cum inside me." He murmurs.

And that is Finan's undoing. He bucks his pelvis spasmically and spends himself inside the condom, groaning loudly. "Yes, fuck yes." Sihtric groans, closing his eyes to savour the moment.

He then gets up, letting Finan slip out with a lewd little groan.

"Fuck, you are amazing." Finan growls. "Fuck you." Sihtric says in a derisive tone. He pulls the condom off of Finan's cock and tosses it in the bin. "You just have to cop an attitude, don't you?" Finan sits upright. Sihtric rolls his eyes, plopping down in the windowseat.

"Well, I was good, wasn't I?" He leans against the cold glass. Finan heaves a soft sigh. "Why am I suspecting that was only a sliver of what you usually do." He says. "Because you are a smart man." Sihtric grins at him. Finan gazes up at the ceiling. He is genuinly wonder what the fuck Uhtred has gotten him into. And he suspects that indeed, this first meeting with Sihtric is only the tip of the iceberg.

[ryliesundertalerphubblog]

Breaking the Vow of Silence.

Hi. It’s been a long time.

I’m reposting this story here from my personal blog as it’s more relevant to the Undertale fandom, and I feel that it really should be said here.

So last night I discovered a very old chat with someone I had an extremely bad falling out with in the Undertale fandom. After reading the final messages sent to me by that person, followed by what they did to me after the friendship had ended, I feel the need to no longer keep the vow of public silence I was.... idk if saying manipulated or forced is the right word (though it sure feels like I was manipulated, back-reading with retrospect), but I was asked to keep the falling out of our friendship private and not make it public, for this person feared that if I made it public, I would end up cutting them off from their little friend group and chase them out of the fandom.

Though I will not be outing this person's nickname at the time, because this isn’t a call out. This isn't a warning to "stay away from this user" or whatever. This is just... me finally breaking that "public silence" Vow, solely for myself, to give myself as much closure as I can get.

So yeah. Here goes a random rant about probably the second worst experience I've had in my fandom experience. I will be reblogging this version to all relevant blogs. Sorry if that causes spam for anyone who might still be following these blogs for... whatever reason, but. This is a story I’ve kept inside and out of the public eye for so long that I just... sort of feel the need to.

So for the sake of this post, I will be calling the ex friend in question “Maple.

Maple and I first met in what I call the "first phase" of the Undertale fandom, and I thought we hit it off pretty well. We rped a lot, talked a lot, ectect. And we eventually had more intimate/personal discussions about our respective traumas and abuses. I loved them as my friend, and I wanted to support them in any way I could.

An incident occurred where another Sans RPer was venting to me in DMs about how a thread with a certain Chara made them uncomfortable, or that just rping with them in general was uncomfortable, I don't exactly remember. So I told them point blank to tell the Chara mun the truth and to not string them along. They did. And I think that what happened next was the Chara mun was venting to me about this, and I told them that I encouraged the mun to be honest with them. They took it to mean "I told this mun not to RP with you" and gathered a bunch of their friends to block me for it. At the time, my brain didn't math well, so I don't think I put the two incidents together. To me, it felt like I was blocked by a bunch of my rp buddies out of nowhere. So I reacted pretty poorly.

This incident, apparently, was the inciting factor in Maple's discomfort with me. A discomfort they never addressed or spoke about with me.

Oblivious to their discomfort, I continued to interact with them as normal. But their behavior started changing towards me, and I started getting weird criticisms on my blog from an anon I'm going to refer to as DOAnon, and I'll explain why in a bit. Because of my actual worst experience in fandom happening prior to Undertale, I track my rp blogs (to this day I do) so if/when I get anon hate, it can give me the information I need to go to the police if it got as bad as it did in the fandom before Undertale. So I was tracking the movements of DOAnon and my friend whom I cared for dearly was acting strange. Eventually Maple started to vent in wingdings in a server we both occupied, venting in a way that made me think they were scared of someone, that they were afraid they were going to be hurt by this person. Note, this was YEARS ago, and I had to hand translate the wingdings text to normal text just to read it. But because Maple was my friend, I pushed through to try to help them. When their vent started making me think they were being harassed, I confronted them privately about it out of concern.

Needless to say, when they finally told me the vents were about me, I was upset.

However, because they were my friend, because I cared so much about them, I wanted to talk things out. Get to the bottom of the issue and resolve it. But Maple made it very, very clear that they didn't want to talk about it. They just wanted me out of their life, "for their own comfort," because they refused to have a discussion with me about the problem, let alone a solution.

So, deeply hurt, I reacted... well, better than I remembered reacting, actually. I was definitely upset, but my final words to them on discord weren't as vicious or biting as I remembered them to be. I basically told them "You really don't want to talk about this??? Fine. Goodbye." And blocked them on everything I could think of. If they wanted me gone, I was going to stay gone.

But that wasn't the end of it.

Note I want to stress that from my perspective, Maple's discomfort and upset with me came out of nowhere. They never talked to me about it. For about a month or even more, they pretended like nothing was wrong. Hell, they vented about me to my face and it still didn't fully click they were upset at me until they said it right to my face. I had on rose colored glasses and was very, very dense.

So yeah. After your trust in someone you cared for so much was very suddenly broken like that, I did not react very well. I was emotional and impulsive and paranoid. I made a post on my RP blog saying I no longer felt safe or comfortable and that I was going on an indefinite hiatus. Apparently, Maple didn't like that, even if I wasn't talking about the details of our now-ended friendship publicly like they had asked me not to.

So Maple found the only blog I forgot to block them on and messaged me on tumblr. Now, I couldn't tell you what was said in those DMs. I was so emotionally distraught and hurt that I probably reacted a lot harsher and with a lot of venom. After all, I did what they wanted--I got out of their life, blocked them and didn't even imply that my feelings in my post were from a falling out with a friend. And they were block-evading me despite this, so I do think it was much more of an argument than the discussion on Discord. I blocked them on their account, ready to just ride the waves of my hurt until I numbed over and moved on. I told a few close friends about what happened (still then trying not to say Maple's name but some figured it out anyway, not sure if I said anything or if Maple's vague vents about me on THEIR blog tipped them off, but I'll get to those in a bit regardless) and that was as far as it should have gone.

I made a new rule about how I wasn't comfortable following people who interacted with "people I've had issues with in the past" (yes, still keeping it vague for their sake) and that I'm more than fine with rping with people regardless if they interact with them or not, I just won't follow for my own comfort, and I asked that if anyone figured out who I was talking about, to not contact me about them/not to discuss them with me. I do believe I made a general hurt vent post after that as well, on a blog barely anyone followed, but again, I still kept my friendship break-up a secret from the general public. Like I promised.

Again, apparently this was too much for them, and one of their friends messaged me on tumblr on their behalf.

I don't remember this conversation much either. Just that, I was angry, and they were being stupidly vague to me about Maple being the person they were talking about. After a fight with the friend, I blocked the friend. I then added a rule to my RP blogs to not to be a fucking asshole and use vague language to talk to me about a person you know I have a problem with.

I don't really remember much after that, but remember how I mentioned I was getting weird anons? Well, that's where this story takes a turn for the worse.

DOAnon started to get more aggressive with their asks they sent to me. I don't remember most of them, because there was just, so many passive aggressive/hate anons that I just tuned it out after a while. However, I was keeping track of them. The reason they were nicknamed DOAnon was because the tracker stated that their provider was DigitalOcean, which among other things, is a service that provides a VPN. After realizing this, and when the anon started saying things like "You chased someone out of the fandom" or used my more personal Insecurities in their attack on me, I was about 70% sure it was Maple, or a friend sent on Maple's behalf. They were hurtful and annoying, but there was a part of me that just, didn't want to believe it was Maple sending them. I wanted to have faith in that friendship, despite how it ended. I kept giving them excuses. I really tried to believe in them. There’s an inkling of me that still wants to.

I figured DOAnon would get bored and move on eventually, but they never did. They stalked me onto new rp blogs, personal blogs, and sent in annoying and hurtful stuff. They even claimed I stole an idea for a character design from Maple (not directly referencing them, of course, just calling me a thief), which bumped my suspicion from 70% to 80% that it was Maple or a friend of theirs. (To clarify I have, absolutely no idea what aspect Maple thought I was stealing, most of the design elements for the character I’m pretty sure they were accusing me of building with “stolen” assets were ideas given to me by Celest, but I digress) They were persistent, and they were annoying.

Eventually, they screwed up. They went onto a device that wasn't using the DigitalOcean VPN, and the tracker showed me that the anon was coming from Maple's state of residence. That's when I knew it was them. Even when I wanted to deny it, I knew deep down, Maple had to have been the one harassing me for... god, it was probably months after I tried to move on from this. And, god, even if I try to sound so firm here, I still want to believe it wasn’t them.

Around this time, I was made aware of the fact that Maple had been vagueposting/venting about me on their blog, a hell of a lot more than I was about them. Funny, rules for the and not for me, but I digress--I don't think they stated my name or anything, but my friends could tell immediately that Maple was talking about me. They had a goodbye post that made me out to gave chased them out of the fandom, and their description was as equally hateful towards me. (They then apparently deleted the blog and someone else took it, so if you’ve figured out who Maple is, don’t bother looking for it.)

It hurt, but the pain wasn't as bad due to how long it had been. I knew I didn't "chase them out" like they claimed--their own god damn paranoia did.

Finally, DOAnon--or, let's just call out who it was, Maple--finally took things way too far. Harassing me for months, Maple eventually sent me a link on anon to a gif image of a woman burning to death in her car.

This was the last straw. I made a public post, STILL keeping their identity a secret for, some godforsaken reason, (Oh hey look the post is still up, linky link for you guys) under the advice of law enforcement--to essentially tell them to stop stalking and harassing me, or I WILL call the police again and get them arrested. They finally stopped actively harassing me after that.

They stalked my blog after that, sure, and I made posts noting that so they would be scared off even further, but I didn't get any more anons. Finally, after being scared enough, they stopped stalking me all together.

To this day, I'm still confused about everything. Bitter too. And I want to reiterate, to stress, that this is not a call out post. This isn't aimed at them to get cancelled. This was years ago and if you know who this is about and/or figure it out... please, don’t bother. This isn’t an “Us VS Them” thing. I just needed to get this off of my chest.

I know I reacted poorly to the situation at the time and I was no innocent party. I may not have sent them anons or stalked them, but I also don't think I was entirely the victim either. Then again, maybe that's the part of me that I need to kill off--the part that keeps trying to excuse the shit Maple did to me all those years ago. There’s still a part of me that wants to apologize, and I don’t know what even for. I just want to say “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” without anything coming to my mind to even apologize for.

Again, I'm just... recounting the experience here publicly as a form of closure. As a form of letting go. I want to heal from this experience, as I never properly did. I want to trust in people, my loved ones, again. And I think by making this post, by breaking that promise of silence, I'm acknowledging that Maple was not and shouldn't have ever been considered one of those people. They might have been fine during our friendship, but the end and aftermath of it proved to me that my love in them was misplaced. Maybe I am a pure innocent victim who just reacted piss poorly to it all, or maybe I wasn't. I cannot tell you because I cannot trust my own judgement anymore. I don’t want to take credit for shit I didn’t do, but I also do want to own up to any mistakes I genuinely did make.

Sorry for the sour story all of a sudden, and seemingly unprompted. But after being reminded of my promise, how I did my best to uphold it, and how I was treated regardless--I just. Needed to break the promise.

I needed to stop respecting the wishes of someone who ended up wanting nothing more than to hurt me. That's all this is.

I... don’t even know why I want to add this, but if for god forsaken reason you find this, “Maple...” Despite what you did to me, I hope you’re well. Where ever you are. If you find yourself coming to these old blogs seeking to reignite your anger towards me, I beg of you to stop. It’s gone. It’s done. There’s nothing left for you here. I’m gone. You’re gone. We’re gone. I’ve stated several times that this is not a call out for you and I really, genuinely mean that. The promise you made me keep for all this time, though? It wasn’t fair to me, after what happened to me because of what happened with us. Remaining silent was only hurting me. I’m sure this will only make you defensive or angry, and I’m sorry. Maybe this is what I wanted to apologize for--for breaking the promise I made to you all those years ago with this post. At the idea that you might one day find this post and it spikes your paranoia or anxiety. For upsetting a metaphorical you that may have completely forgotten about me altogether and will never read these words.

Again, this isn’t an attack on you. I don’t want any more drama to come from this. I just needed to break the one thing that was keeping me from healing and learning to trust others again. I don’t want to give you trouble--I’ve kept you anonymous still for this reason, because despite how much I hate to admit it, I haven’t fully killed the part of me that loved you. I don’t want people to find you or attack you or anything. I’m sure you’re a different person now--and hopefully, a better one, with a happy life and lots of friends to make you happy. I don’t hold what happened against you. I’m hurt, and the scars you gave me haven’t healed, but I don’t hold your past self against your current self.

So if you’re still here...

Please, move on.

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 266 “Pinky Finger Bones”

So... with this chapter we begin digging into what happened in the past. Into what happened to Wilk... but also into what happened to Tsurumi.

He clearly stared into the abyss and the abyss stared back at him... but what’s worse is that Tsurumi became much more scary than the abyss itself.

By the way you might notice a resemblance with the quote “He who fights with monsters should look to it that he himself does not become a monster. And if you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss also gazes into you.” [‘Beyond Good and Evil’  Friedrich Nietzsche] which loosely means “When you confront evil, make sure it doesn’t influence you.”

Well, it’s clear Tsurumi not only let himself influence, he sadly became worse than the ‘monster’ he was fighting.

But let’s go with order.

The cover… is more like part of a flashback scene.

It shows Tsurumi and Tsukishima in Vladivostok, in 1897. Therefore we’re at the point in which Tsukishima was released from jail and was working as an intelligence officer with Tsurumi in Russia.

They are shown alone, but it doesn’t necessarily mean they went there alone, as Tsurumi could have other men with himself, to create a spy network. Or not.

We’ll find out only if it’s relevant to the plot so, for now, I’ll let it on hold.

Anyway Tsurumi and Tsukishima talk of how, since Vladivostok is the only Russian port that doesn’t freeze and can be used all year round, it’s a strategically vital point for Russia but also for Japan. Central had made appoint to let Tsurumi know they need to conquer it if they go at war with Russia.

At that point a Russian man spot Tsukishima and starts asking him if he is Japanese and knows a man named Hasegawa who disappeared without a trace 6 years ago.

As Tsukishima struggles to understand what he says (he’s clearly not well versed in Russian yet) the man talks about the bodies of Hasegawa’s wife and daughter, but we don’t get to hear what he says about them.

Tsukishima turns to discover Tsurumi has disappeared and, searching him, he finds him in front of Hasegawa’s burned photo studio.

Tsurumi’s expression, which Tsukishima can’t see, is interesting. His eyes are shadowed by the brim of his hat (while Tsukishima aren’t) and his eyes are stretched thin, many stress lines under them.

He’s probably lost in painful memories, which are likely now wrapped by the hate he feels for who caused his tragedy.

When Tsukishima reads on the sign ‘Hasegawa photo studio’, he realizes it’s the name the Russian was talking about. I’ll be honest, the coincidence is a little too forced. I mean, to have a random Russian guy asks to a random Japanese (let’s remember Vladivostok HAD a Japanese district so Japanese people is not that impossible to spot there) if they knew Hasegawa who disappeared 6 years ago and, COINCIDENTALLY, this Japanese is with the guy who, in the past, was Hasegawa, a guy who apparently doesn’t hear the question and marches straight to Hasegawa photo studio (they weren’t that close, Tsukishima lost sight of Tsurumi and had to search for him) so that Tsukishima can connect some dots back then and a lot more in the present is... well, way too providential.

It would be different if that Russian had a reason to check all the Japanese he were to spot and had done so for 6 years but no reason is given. We aren’t told he was Fina’s relative (Fina has a family to whom she was supposed to return the day she died)... and therefore pretty invested in the tragedy and it’s clear he’s not part of the secret police or he wouldn’t give Tsukishima random details. Tsukishima isn’t even standing near Hasegawa’s house at the time he was questioned, so it was possible to speculate they knew each other.

That guy who spoke with Tsukishima was just a Russian who woke up that morning and decided, spotting some Japanese, to ask him about a guy who disappeared 6 years ago for... no apparent reason beyond plot convenience.

But okay, let’s go on.

We’ve left Tsukishima connecting the photo studio with the guy the Russian mentioned, relying to Tsurumi the Russian guy mentioned ‘something’ about that man’s wife and daughter.

At this point I wonder if there’s a reason why we aren’t told what that something is. I would think that the fact that their bodies got burned up in the fire wasn’t something to discuss or wonder about but maybe... there’s more?

I don’t know.

Anyway Tsukishima wonders if Tsurumi knew Hasegawa, which really, seems logical enough as Tsurumi came there to watch his burned shop and Tsurumi denies it, saying there’s plenty of Japanese people in Vladivostok (which again make weird how the Russian guy asked them if they knew about Hasegawa). Tsurumi then claims Hasegawa should have been odd for wanting to open a shop away from the Japanese district, his eyes hidden by the brim of his hat and I facepalm here because he’s basically lampshading that Hasegawa had to be a spy for wanting to do so...

which seems uncharacteristically careless from him... unless he wanted Tsukishima to actually question him further... to push him to talk because maybe he too needed to talk but couldn’t... but Tsukishima is evidently ignorant in spy matters so he doesn’t get the hint.

He doesn’t lot go though, as Tsukishima remembers Hasegawa was Tsurumi’s mother’s maiden name, whom he noticed when Tsurumi went to pay his respect to her grave.

Tsurumi compliments for Tsukishima’s good memory and deflects Tsukishima’s suspicions saying it’s a common name in Niigata.

So we’ve some info about Tsurumi to ponder about, like how his mother is dead and how he was an Hasegawa so there’s to wonder if he was related to the ‘Hasegawa senior’ which whom he supposedly came in Russia as a teenager.

Was the guy his father using his mother’s maiden name? Or a maternal uncle? Can it be there was originally an Hasegawa Koichi and Tsurumi and him swapped (swapping identity with someone was a common spy technique)? If that’s the case was Kouichi a cousin of Tsurumi?

Or the guy never existed and it’s just a cover story? Hard to say, interesting to speculate.

Anyway we jump back to the present and to Tsukishima, a vein popping on his check, connecting the dots and realizing ‘that Hasegawa’ was actually Tsurumi.

Tsurumi then goes and says that 50 years ago some of the more extremist Ainu gathered up a great quantity of gold dust and were planning something... and here I pause again.

So, does this mean whose extremists did take a part of the hidden gold? Or that they were the gold’s guardians, aware of where it was hidden?

If it happened 50 years ago, unless the gold was stolen by the hideout, this means the extremists were the same guys who knew about the hideout. So, Ariko’s father could have been one of them as well as Asirpa’s grandfather (my bet is he’s the one who knew where the gold was).

Anyway the Ainu’s plan in order to fight the shogunate was to get a captain of the imperial Russian navy to divert Russian warships, munitions and such to them... and I think Tsurumi is exaggerating matters a bit because it’s really not enough to own warships, you also need men to drive them and I’m not sure how many Ainu there were who could do it but whatever, maybe back then was easier to pilot warships and use them to go to battle... but still, I kind of feel it would be complicate for him to ‘smuggle out’ Russian warships... I mean they aren’t exactly of the size you might ‘lose track of them’.

Going on.

To explain why the Russian captain would be willing to do so, Tsurumi says it’s common among soldiers who’re stationed far from central command to do as they prefer, which is something Tsurumi is intimately familiar with as he’s doing the same in Hokkaido.

However everything ended when the ship on which was the Russian captain crashed into a passenger ship in what’s called the “Russian warship Kalevala incident” of 1867 (which is completely fictional as no such thing happened in the real world) in which both ships sunk carrying everyone on board with them.

Timeline wise 1867 is also the year in which there’s the restoration of the imperial rule, with the Boshin war starting in 1868.

According to Tsurumi, since the Ainu lost the Russian captain willing to sell them weapons they should have felt at total loss about what to do with the gold.

Tsurumi then claims Wilk came in Hokkaido to search for that gold so that this was the start of everything that happened afterward.

Asirpa asks Sofia if this means it was Tsurumi the one who taught Wilk, Kiro and Sofia Japanese.

We can’t see Sofia’s face, as she’s holding her head down, but she’s sweating and panting, thinking back to when she held little Olga.

Clearly that incident of which she felt responsible still weight a lot on her, like an open wound that never healed... which in a way makes her similar to Tsurumi. Tsurumi though is trying to get revenge for that incident... while Sofia is trying to make up for it. 

She then notices that Tsurumi has moved really close to her, his hand still holding the finger bones of Old and Fina, rubbing them.

We can see Tsurumi’s head is inclined on a side, in a way that reminds me of how Usami looked at the dead horse... although Usami was tilting his head on the opposite side.

In normal body language, tilting the head on a side indicates sincere interest and curiosity... and it can fit both situations too... only Noda also makes it creepy, as if both Usami and Tsurumi were interested yet completely detached, as if they were watching something alien to them, the angle being just a little bit too much to feel natural.

Tsurumi then goes on claiming that, on the day his wife and child died, he was the only one the secret police was after and if Fina hadn’t picked up Wilk’s wanted poster she wouldn’t have come back. Tsurumi through tried to date the blame to even sooner, claiming that if Wilk and co had never gone to his photo studio, his wife and child might not have been killed.

Sofia’s eyes are locked on Tsurumi’s hand rubbing that finger bone, as if she were hypnotized... and I’ll repeat what I said before.

Sofia has spent all those years after the death of Fina and Olga trying to make amends. As she believes her cause will bring benefit to the Russian people (and therefore to people like Sofia and Olga), she continued to fight for it, giving up on Wilk, the man she loved and on ‘happiness as a woman’ all to fight for her cause and atone for that innocent lives who died that day.

Of course meeting Hasegawa again and being blamed fully for those deaths is a big blow to her, it’s the trauma, the sin, she never overcome but tried to by doing something constructive, something she believed would be positive for the others.

It’s worth to remember Sofia came from aristocracy, she didn’t need a better Russia to live an easy life, she could have just continued being a pampered princess and instead she devoted herself to improving her country.

We can argue the methods she chose might not be the best, and how they put in danger innocent people, but the aim is selfless.

On the other end we’ve Tsurumi, whose family fell in disgrace... likely short after the Meiji restoration and possibly due to it.

He went in Russia as a spy probably in an attempt to prove himself and improve his and his family’s life, likely married in order to have a cover but ended up falling in love with Fina and he clearly adored his daughter, Olga.

Still he continued his job as a spy even if that put in danger his own beloved family, he continued teaching Japanese to Wilk and Co even if he knew they were partisans and, ultimately, for some reasons, he get discovered by the secret police.

Somehow he finds out they’re coming from him so, instead than denouncing himself, he sends away Fina and Olga without explaining Fina nothing.

Even if she promised not to, Fina could have gone back for other reasons, it was coincidence it was just because she saw the wanted poster.

When Wilk and Co shows up at Tsurumi’s house HE LET THEM IN, before telling them they can’t come anymore. He could have denied them entrance and send them away, he could have told them he was a wanted man and the secret police was about to jump on him but no, he let them in.

When the secret police arrives he doesn’t just hand himself to them but stop to talk with them at the door, knowing inside he has three revolutionaries who will realize the police is circling the house and that will feel threatened. When they start attacking the police he doesn’t tell them the truth but let them discover it from the Russian policeman and then he hands them a machine gun so that they can fight the police.

Tsurumi was an ACTIVE cause of the incident as much as Wilk and Co if not MORE because he has something to lose and that he was exposing to risk, Fina and Olga.

Yet now he’s shifting all the blame to Wilk’s party, trying to use Sofia’s sense of guilt to get leverage on her and force her to be cooperative so that he could get the gold and get revenge over Central.

Now... I’m positive that Tsurumi suffered A LOT for the death of Fina and Olga, that it was traumatic for him... but while Sofia is trying to make up for it, Tsurumi is just trying to take revenge, trying to frame the death of his beloved ones as something that has a meaning because it becomes an helpful step in his climbing to get the gold and the control of Hokkaido.

In fact, and I’ll flash forward a bit, Tsurumi wants to know what purpose his wife and daughter served in the world, claiming they died because of Wilk and Co and therefore they should give him some sort of compensation.

In this way he uses his own loss to extort information from Sofia so that he could accomplish his goal.

Mind you, all this is a way to cope with pain that’s similar to Sekiya’s, who wanted to know why his daughter had to die, but, differently from Sekiya who was completely blameless for his child’s death, which was merely an incident he had no control over, Tsurumi was also actively to blame for his wife and child’s death and he’s trying to cope with his pain by shifting the blame on others and by trying to turn those deaths into meaningful steps on the way to his original goal, improving his own life.

Ironically, as he loved Fina and Olga, it’s unlikely reaching his original goal will bring him solace, it’s another copying mechanism to excuse himself, if he can justify his wrongdoing to them as a necessary step on the way to his goal, he believes he will feel better... which is clearly a lie. This is not the way to cope with such a traumatic event but it’s a common mistake, an attempt to dim the pain by not coping with how he’s responsible for his own loss.

I pity him for how terrible his pain should be... but there’s no turning around how his way to cope with it IS terrible in any possible way.

But let’s go back a little to Tsukishima and Koito who’re eavesdropping on the conversation.

Tsukishima remembers how, during the war they tried getting control of Vladivostok... and how Tsurumi told him they should expand the territory for Japan’s sake and that they should make certain that their comrades were sleeping in Japanese soil. Now though he (and Koito if his white irises and vein popping are to be taken as a hint) is pissed off because he fears Tsurumi’s goal is just his own personal way of mourning his wife and daughter...

...and I facepalm again. Hard.

Now, okay, Koito can be pissed off, he made clear he uphold certain values and that he believed Tsurumi was doing it for a selfless reason only, the well being of his own soldiers, plus he had never experienced being poor so he can’t understand why people would want to be rich. He’s young, he was used and lied at but still wanted to trust Tsurumi to be more noble than he was so okay, he can be angry.

Tsukishima though was okay with tailing after Tsurumi even when he didn’t know which is true goal was...

...even when he believed Tsurumi might not have a true goal...

...just because he wanted to believe what Tsurumi was doing would benefit the ones following him... and now he is upset because Tsurumi had a goal... but one that was beneficial to Tsurumi? How was Tsurumi not having a goal better?

And how this change the game, really?

If Tsurumi’s actions were genuinely better for the men in the 7th, they remain beneficial regardless of Tsurumi’s ultimate goal, which isn’t meant to harm them, after all.

And just because Tsukishima decided to sacrifice his love story with Igogusa (which, Tsurumi’s lies or not, was something Tsukishima decided on his own)... well, this doesn’t mean everyone has to do the same as him.

But whatever, as anticipated before, Tsurumi used Sofia’s sense of guilt to ask her to tell him and Asirpa what happened in Hokkaido. He’s clearly talking about the Nopperabou incident and he explains he believes Sofia should know about it due to the letters she got from Kiroranke.

Well, the good thing in all this is that, if Tsurumi is asking her about the incident, this seems to hint that, as I speculated, he doesn’t know exactly what happened (unless he’s sure Kiro had false info which he relied her... but I doubt that’s the case).

In his anger, Tsukishima fails to understand that asking Sofia about what happened in the Nopperabou incident might:

- give Tsurumi clues about where the gold was (the incident took place when the Ainu moved the gold)

- tell him if there’s more people involved who could try to get into Tsurumi’s way

- make Asirpa feel guilty for the dead Ainu and more prone to help Tsurumi,

All this of course depending on what truly happened back then... but I think Tsurumi has some theories in this regard and he’s asking merely because he thinks Sofia’s words, which Asirpa won’t question because Sofia wouldn’t have any reason to lie, would be beneficial to him.

Sofia starts crying at all this, breaking down and admitting what we already knows, that Kiro believed ‘Wilk changed’.

The only new addition to all this is that it confirms Kiro believed Wilk changed because Asirpa was born... but this doesn’t really tell us if Wilk changed the day Asirpa was born or later, as the change could have been gradual and we saw that Kiro seemed to have a good relationship with Wilk after Asirpa’s birth

(and we know, for Wilk’s own admission, he wanted to raise Asirpa to be a guerrilla fighter capable of leading the Ainu...

...and taught her how misplaced sympathy could become a weakness and who’s weak gets eaten, how they can’t hesitate to kill (a bear cub) for fear of being cruel or they’ll die (of starvation)).

Kiro also said Wilk saw a light in Asirpa, a light of hope for the Ainu,

...which also fits with how Kiro himself entrusted the future to Asirpa and Sofia,

...and how Asirpa’s name means ‘future’.

Long story short, we still don’t know anything new as it was clear Asirpa ended up affecting Wilk but how and why Kiro believed this constituted betrayal worth killing him is completely up to speculation.

I stand my ground on the fact I believe if Kiro thought Wilk had to die, it was because he believed Wilk betrayed the partisan cause, which, among partisans, has always been a crime punishable with death.

Still I genuinely doubt Asirpa’s birth caused Wilk to turn into a pro-imperialist or that it caused him to stop caring about the minorities... and since Kiro didn’t try to kill him prior to the Nopperabou incident, I’ll say the problem didn’t exactly start with Asirpa’s birth.

On the other side I don’t think Kiro is lying, he genuinely believed Wilk changed.

We’re clearly missing how Wilk changing became something that caused or was connected to the Nopperabou incident and made him worthy of being killed later, without even being questioned.

Ogata hinted that Kiro might have been afraid Wilk would reveal something about Kiro to Sugimoto...

...but I somehow have troubles seeing Kiro killing all those Ainu since Kiro seemed reluctant to kill Inkarmat, who was clearly a big hindrance and didn’t want Sugimoto, who was a potential hindrance, to be shoot.

Besides Kiro clearly didn’t know where the gold was, so I’ve troubles thinking he would just murder all those Ainu without even trying to get info from them.

Could it really be possible Wilk make a 180° turn and wanted to hand the gold to the Japanese even if, apparently, when he was arrested, he was trying to escape in Karafuto with the gold so that he could bring it to his companions?

Or did he wanted to hand it to the Japanese authorities because he came to believe the Ainu, the partisans and the revolutionaries wouldn’t know how to use it to benefit their cause and would only make matter worse?

Difficult to believe so as, even if we’re to assume he decided that fighting was wrong, the gold could be used in small parts to improve Ainu’s life by buying necessities for them if times were to become harsh (just think at how the locust attack damaged Kirawus’ village food resources... if they had some gold they could have bought the missing food).

Or was Wilk trying to use it to BUY the Ainu’s freedom from the Japanese, not with weapons but with the gold itself, buying the whole Hokkaido island in Boutarou’s style, therefore betraying the Russian cause as they would remain to their own devices? It would seem an aiful naive plan from him besides it was hinted he still wanted to pursue his own dream of a far east federation for minorities by how he clung to those gold coins up till the time he was captured.

But still, we’re missing some big piece of the puzzle... which we don’t get in this chapter as the story kind of goes back a little to show us Sugimoto and Shiraishi in the bottlecar, just out of the church Sugimoto is in.

They had seen Koito get into the church, meaning they got there before Tsurumi started speaking with Sofia and Asirpa.

Shiraishi would like to rush in to rescue but Sugimoto is uncharacteristically prudent, saying Shiraishi they should go call Hijikata, because if they rush in they could be in numerical disadvantage.

Shiraishi though is worried of what Tsurumi could do to Asirpa but Sugimoto insists Tsurumi should know he can’t rely on information gotten with torture so, differently from Tsukishima, he figured out Tsurumi will try to get information from her of her own free will slowly.

Shiraishi is still worried and references how Tsurumi behaved oddly in the volume version of what happened in Karafuto (because in the magazine version the poor guy actually acted in a pretty normal way) then notices Sugimoto is actually wishing badly he could rush in and decides Sugimoto might be right.

Honestly I should give kudos to Sugimoto for managing to figure this out. From after Tsurumi got his hands on Asirpa he had been uncharacteristically smart, analyzing his opponent (Tsurumi) and understanding his moves, from how Tsurumi wouldn’t part with Asirpa to how he wouldn’t torture her but try to get info out of her willingly.

On a sidenote actually you can get reliable info through torture if you manage to keep control of your victim (meaning if he lied to you torture will just start all over) or if you’ve someone to use to blackmail that person but whatever, let’s go on.

Sugimoto and Shiraishi decide them to go call Hijikata, slam the car against a pole and fly out of it.

The chapter ends here but if Nikaidou is really around there to keep guard as Tsurumi told him to do...

...and spot Sugimoto we can count on him to go in berserk mode, scream ‘SUGIMOTO SAICHI! MY NAME IS NIKAIDOU KOUHEI. YOU KILLED MY BROTHER! PREPARE TO DIE!’ and reveal to everyone how Sugimoto and Shiraishi are there, possibly interrupting the whole interrogatory and letting us wonder for many more chapters WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED DURING THE NOPPERABOU INCIDENT. So please Nikaidou, don’t be around or scream discreetly. We don’t really want you to bother Tsurumi, Sofia and Asirpa NOW.

[tosikoarts]

SFW Alphabet | Tsurumi Tokushirou

Wow, this one seems to be the apogee of my writing.  You can check tosikowrites tag for more. Warning: there’s a lot under the cut.

A = Affection (How affectionate are they? How do they show affection?)

Finally, a man who knows what he is doing. Tsurumi is a sly devil but he also got a taste of love, and those two points combined made him a danger to anyone he puts an eye on. The entire 7th division holds their breath watching how skillfully First Lieutenant pulls the unsuspecting victim into his snares.

Understandably, his main weapon would be the art of word. Tsurumi knows how to keep dialogue entertaining; moreover, he is well versed in complimenting his favorite person. He murmurs sweet nothings into their ear in public and in private, under the sergeant's condemning gaze and right under the nose of the jealous Second Lieutenant. Tsurumi does it wisely though, avoiding Usami’s uncontrollable obsession.

Gallantry is his middle name. As soon as they appear on the horizon with a bag or a stack of heavy books, Tsurumi miraculously finds himself next to them taking all of their stuff in his hands. Always accompanies them on the way home, from time to time pleases them with a small bouquet of lavender, moves the chair away from the table so that they sit down. At the same time, his gestures and moves, all looks natural like Tsurumi has been born with it.

Oh, also, he likes to spoil his loved one, pamper them without any limits. If they want to take a picture together, he will hire a western artist to paint a portrait of them. If they want a bar of chocolate, he will order to find the best dessert chef in Hokkaido. This is not his constant behavior, but Tsurumi quite often goes over the board with his affection.

B = Best friend (What would they be like as a best friend? How would the friendship start?)

Let’s be honest, to be best friends with Tsurumi you have to be at least no stupider than him and, better, even a little bit smarter. Otherwise, he will treat the person like another pawn in the game. Mind is a measure of strength, and those who are weaker than him do not deserve more than condescending attitude.

His best friend has to be patient and steadfast as a tin soldier: the hole in the head and lack of a brain piece deprived the First Lieutenant of poise so he is prone to outbursts of unwarranted violence. He may jokingly threaten to bite off their nose. Likewise, he may introduce them to the general madness of his division in the face of Usami or Nikaidou. They just have to deal with the crazy without going bonkers themself.  

In addition, they have to have a wide range of interests or be willing to learn new things. Tsurumi is the one to offer to go to horse race, win (or lose) some money, and, without delay, go to the nearest theater. His broad knowledge in various areas makes it possible to boast in every possible way on every possible topic and he expects his best friend to keep the conversation going. Of course, his favorite topic is war and weapons so they must be familiar with it.

The advantages of friendship with this remarkable individual are: respect in all circles he is in; initiation into his plans or most of them; life will seem a lot easier than before since obstacles become suspiciously fewer…

C = Cuddles (Do they like to cuddle? How would they cuddle?)

He has a weird desire for them to look into his face while cuddling. To be mentioned, Tsurumi takes off his enamel head plate in private and it works like a magic: his expression transforms into one of person who has been gone for too long, who was yet to see the horrors of Russo-Japanese war. So, Tsurumi likes to keep them on his lap, hands placed on their thighs or waist, and talk, talk, talk. For some reason avoids spooning: if they try to spoon him, he will slip away from their hands, turn around, and plant a gentle kiss on their forehead.

D = Domestic (Do they want to settle down? How are they at cooking and cleaning?)

It’s complicated. Considering his past with Fina, the whole idea of settling down evokes the unconscious resistance in Tsurumi. Grand plans for hidden gold are the one thing that interests him at the moment, or this is what he convinced himself in. Even in the case of having the most suitable partner, Tsurumi will choose treasure hunt over binding relationship. Same goes for children. His henchmen are his kids, his hellhounds, his creations that he nurtured with distorted version of love and adoration. It is unlikely that he has even a little healthy parental affection left. Great at making desserts, mediocre at cooking overall, doesn’t care about cleaning and leaves it to the partner.

E = Ending (If they had to break up with their partner, how would they do it?)

Break-up can go different ways.

In the best case scenario, Tsurumi acts like a gentleman until the very end. On the designated day, he invites a partner to a quiet place and makes sure nobody disturbs their conversation. Even if it happens in the barracks, all soldiers are strictly ordered to stay away from the First Lieutenant's office. There are two cups of a soothing herbal tea on his table as well as dessert associated with them. In calm steady voice Tsurumi explains why they have to break up and how it would be inevitable in the future if they choose to stay together for little longer. In the end of his speech, they feel almost like they initiated this break-up and Tsurumi just conducted their thoughts like his own. It is harmless and easy break-up with no hard feelings after all.

Other options aren’t that innocuous. He can easily make up a kidnapping scheme to remove them from the sight. It may or may not be violent, may or may not leave them traumatized. In the worst case, Tsurumi with heavy heart will give the order to eliminate them and hide all signs of their existence. It is a pity that one cannot erase the marks left on him and his life.

F = Fiance(e) (How do they feel about commitment? How quick would they want to get married?)

As mentioned in the previous paragraph, formalizing a relationship is far from the first thing on the Tsurumi’s To-Do list. His partner can try to hint at marriage but he will either completely ignore it or adroitly dissuade them from such stupid undertaking. In a relationship, he remains faithful despite the absence of some fictitiously important pieces of signed paper.

G = Gentle (How gentle are they, both physically and emotionally?)

Well, even if he is gentle in any variation, this gentleness carries a sadistic undertone. Tsurumi’s physical affection borders on pain and it is impossible to tell if his vulnerable moments are a theatrical performance or not. He can laugh endlessly, kiss their fingertips and bare knuckles, purposely tickle their neck with his long eyelashes or handlebar moustache but the very next second a predatory grin distorts his face, sending thing in darker direction. Only God knows what is going on in his head, really.

H = Hugs (Do they like hugs? How often do they do it? What are their hugs like?)

A truly romantic hug so often shown in films and described in books: his hand rests on their waist, pulling them closer, and other hand catches theirs as if in a slow dance. Each time the distance between him and his partner becomes less and less, but what remains constant, it is a subtle smile and piercing gaze of dark eyes. When in a cheery, exclusively friendly mood, Tsurumi likes to give the partner a tight bear hug or a short greetings-like hug with resting his chin either on their shoulder or on the top of their head.

I = I love you (How fast do they say the L-word?)

It takes years for Tsurumi to say “I love you” out loud. About 3-4 to be exact. Either because he cannot call his feelings real love, or because he does not want to let them ease off. Confession imposes the stamp of some kind of completeness on the relationship and it isn’t fun at all. In his speech, the magic three words are replaced by softer analogues like “I really like you” or “Aren’t you my sunshine” so his partner does not put much thought to why Tsurumi avoids confession. Oh, one hundred percent the day he finally chooses to confess will be an anniversary date. Expect a day dedicated solely to satisfaction of his partner’s desires.

J = Jealousy (How jealous do they get? What do they do when they’re jealous?)

Oh no no no, please, we don’t have that much space in the cemetery. Flirting with Tsurumi’s partner is like playing Russian roulette with five bullets in cylinder – highly lethal game of chance. After spotting unlucky admirer, Tsurumi tries to identify them and dig up as much information as possible. Their fate depends on it. If it's some kind of midge, a cockroach, First Lieutenant forgets about this situation pretty fast. He doesn’t want to deal with such squalor anyway. If this is a more serious figure, Tsurumi may want to teach them a lesson how rude it is to encroach on someone else's love. Probably pulls a couple of strings to get them into some kind of trouble. Get them fired, discharged, robbed, assaulted, whatever. At the same time, he doesn’t even mention them while talking to the loved one.  

Provoking Tsurumi to jealousy is just as dangerous. His actions are not as radical as in the first case but his partner will have to learn that this is not an acceptable behavior. It is hard to imagine how far he can go though, methods may vary from simple manipulation to straightforward psychological abuse. The latter is the last and the least appealing option, which Tsurumi won’t use unless he is forced to.

K = Kisses (What are their kisses like? Where do they like to kiss you? Where do they like to be kissed?)

Sometimes you just wonder where he learned all these tricks with his tongue. Tsurumi is a playful skilled kisser with excellent flair to where and when to apply fine knowledge of French... technique. Bites are not uncommon either. He has a habit of marking his loved one so everybody around knows who they belong to, and at least one hickey has to flaunt on their neck to keep him satisfied. Tsurumi prefers to kiss his partner wherever they want to be kissed, especially if they ask nicely, and to where to be kissed… a straight line from razor-sharp cheekbones to the notch between the collarbones is a great start.

L = Little ones (How are they around children?)

Stranger’s kids are terrified of Tsurumi. Little ones burst into tears as they notice his wide smile, and those who are a little older stare at him with confusion. Teens try to stay away from this man since he fits the stranger danger statement very well. Thus to say, Tsurumi isn’t fond of being near children and prefers to pass the buck to the subordinates. If we are talking about his own (highly hypothetical) kids that is another story: they get the best of the best, they are spoiled rotten just like his partner. Of course, as kids grow up, Tsurumi switches to the carrot and stick approach spoiling them only as a reward for good behavior. Not that bad around children, really. It's not his fault that he fits the description of Boogeyman.

M = Morning (How are mornings spent with them?)

On rare days when Tsurumi decides to spend the day with a partner, he never rushes. Those mornings are complete opposite of his usual mornings: they are slow, lazy, maximally filled with intimacy. No one is in a hurry to get out from under the blanket and if his loved one tries to sneak out, Tsurumi deftly catches them by the waist and drags back. I think it is clear that he is immensely touchy in the morning hours. The rest of the time is spent in a kitchen over a cup of green tea, in lively conversation on a variety of topics. No, he is not going to leave the house until the late noon.

N = Night (How are nights spent with them?)

Get ready for experiments and new experiences. Have they ever tried horseback riding? No? Good, he will be their teacher. Calligraphy? He will help to put their hand on a brush correctly. Nyotaimori or nantaimori? He will ask either Koito or another twunk to serve as a model. Tsurumi presents every evening date as a surprise that will not leave one indifferent and still he somehow manages to not overstep the bounds of decency. When their mood doesn’t fit his own adventurous impulses, the choice falls on a more classic pastime like late night walk or dinner date but there is not much that can be said about it.

O = Open (When would they start revealing things about themselves? Do they say everything all at once or wait a while to reveal things slowly?)

His partner won’t hear a bit of personal information, a single bit, until Tsurumi is one hundred percent sure that they are here to stay. Until then, he will feed the partner common unremarkable phrases which cannot compromise him in any way. Even after this, a lot of uncertainties remain: Tsurumi seems to describe events only in positive or neutral light, avoiding situations that obviously carry a grim implications. For example, not a word will be said about Fina or Olga and even if partner witnesses him fiddling small bones in his fingers, Tsurumi will make some fable up. Revelations happen but it is not something they will have a chance to get used to.

P = Patience (How easily angered are they?)

Easily angered but pulls himself together in the blink of the eye. His malice usually spills out in a form of nervous thrill so it is rare to see Tsurumi screaming his lungs out or getting into a fight. In a relationship, he puts on a mask of an eternally patient partner so his loved one won’t even guess about his anger issues.

Q = Quizzes (How much would they remember about you? Do they remember every little detail you mention in passing, or do they kind of forget everything?)

Liar is obligated to have a great memory, do you get where I’m coming from? Now only he remembers what his partner has to say but also somehow knows what they hide from him too. If the information seems to be of low priority, Tsurumi immediately forgets it. Like what is he supposed to do with the fact that theirs first dog was called Akira? Best of all he remembers theirs crucial ups and downs both to establish the emotional connection and have some control levers in the future.

R = Remember (What is their favorite moment in your relationship?)

Difficult question. Not any of “first experiences”, not anniversary. Probably, the first time he introduced them to the group of closer soldiers like Tsukishima and Co. For the first time Tsurumi decided to “show off” his partner in the headquarters just to establish a clear boundaries between himself and subordinates. Of course, he was well aware of the risks and consequences but chose to do it anyway. The reaction of some was quite expected: Koito's face expressed unpleasant surprise and qualm, he couldn’t switch back from Satsuma dialect and when it finally happened, there were more awkward pauses than comprehendible words; Usami screwed up his eyes as if he was evaluating a competitor simultaneously deciding on the best method to eliminate them. Nikaidou didn’t really cared. Kikuta did neither. Tsukishima’s reaction was the most adequate of all: he politely bowed, mumbled words of courtesy, and got back to his routine. However, on the way to the office he decided to warn them that lovely Tokushirou might differ from their expectations. At the end, Tsurumi was extremely pleased by the flaunting and gave them opportunity to choose how he will thank them for the shown patience.

S = Security (How protective are they? How would they protect you? How would they like to be protected?)

Tell me, who in their right mind would want to provoke this man? Like, who? His very presence is enough to scare any foe away, not to mention how lethal his overprotectiveness can be. Tsurumi is great at managing resources to make sure his partner is okay: there is always an armed invisible observer in the city they are staying in, sometimes they are sent letters in which Tsurumi takes interest in how their days are going, etc. On the other hand, in moments of real danger, his subordinates are those who take care of his loved one: soldiers are obliged to protect them since Tsurumi usually holds a leading position rather than actively participates in the dirty work. Has no need to be protected, however, partner’s impulses to do it are always met with tender emotion and sincere drawling “aww”.

T = Try (How much effort would they put into dates, anniversaries, gifts, everyday tasks?)

Tsurumi has an enviable ability of being seemingly the most caring and charming man in the world without even trying. He is natural in wooing, it feels like the whole world is on his side: if he forgets to buy a present for the anniversary (which never happens, may I assure you), a hurrying seller will be selling cute necklace at discount price. Whenever he decides to go to another city with his loved one, there will be a festival or celebration. To be fair, Tsurumi does put efforts in the relationship and keeping his partner happy. He just has it easier than most of your common men.

U = Ugly (What would be some bad habits of theirs?)

His own motives and desires will always be prioritized over his partner’s. It is reality that they just have to deal with. If his partner feels confident in enough, they can try to fight Tsurumi with his own weapon - flattery, ruse, and equivalent exchange, - but success still entirely depends on his mood.

Military career implies long partings with the risk of never seeing the partner again. For the person who cannot live without their loved one’s physical presence, relationship like this will feel like living hell.  

To mention something more lighthearted, Tsurumi is constantly surrounded by subordinates that have questionable… adoration towards him. It asks for deep dive in military psychology, workplace psychology, and additional peek into sexual psychopathology but you get what I mean. Usami gets off talking about how First Lieutenant will be upset with him and, probably, will punish him, okay.

Tsurumi is shady man overall, damaged both physically and emotionally, he is missing a piece of the brain and it is already a long list of reason why one should think twice before getting in with him.

V = Vanity (How concerned are they with their looks?)

Tsurumi actually cares for his looks. He takes his time to shave the moustache and goatee just the way he wants it to be, thoroughly washes the hair twice a week, keeps the head plate clean by wiping it with wet cloth and disinfecting with alcohol. The main reason of his concerns is desire to look presentable and influential, not a banal narcissism. Does the face scar bother him? When there’s nothing to occupy his mind – yes. Tsurumi understands how drastically it changed his overall look and sometimes regrets what happened but what is the point of overthinking unalterable? Right, there is none.

W = Whole (Would they feel incomplete without you?)

Break-up is a huge deal in the sense that Tsurumi's reaction could be anything. Unpredictable. Up to monstrous consequences. The safest option would be drop everything and run away since he won’t chase them to the end of the world. Yes, he would feel betrayed and fueled with anger but whatever, it is not the most important thing on the agenda. Sooner or later their paths will cross again and it will be the chance for Tsurumi to show his disinterest. You know, this “I am a bad bitch, you can’t hurt me” style. Direct confrontation leads to a passionate interrogation on why they decided to leave. Is there anything he can do to prevent them from such imprudent step? Does their relationship lack anything? This conversation quickly escalates into preparation of feelings during which Tsurumi scrutinizes all their ins and outs. If they successfully survive this psychological torture mixed with all kinds of manipulation – congrats! – they are allowed to leave. Now he has left his mark on them, on their heart and soul, so they have to carry it wherever they choose to go.

In the case of their death, Tsurumi grieves. How does a man like him grieve? Through sublimation, of course. To stop thinking about the time spent together, he pays more attention to treasure hunt. Tsukishima unobtrusively plays the role of a First Lieutenant’s personal therapist, listening to his pensive monologues, but it doesn’t make any difference. Just like his Sergeant, Tsurumi has difficulties with experiencing repeated loss, and second time feels even worse than the first one.

X = Xtra (A random headcanon for them.)

Remember this clear liquid oozing from under his head plate? It is actually сerebrospinal fluid that provides mechanical and immunological protection to the brain. Constant leaking of CSF leads to a condition known as orthostatic headache: this type of headache intensifies while person is standing and eases when lying down. Tsurumi has extreme headaches after his excited leaks that are usually weakened by general thrill. Once agitation excitation wears off, he becomes incredibly irritable and searches for a quiet place to lie down. The one person who knows about such side effect is Tsukishima. He has saved a dozen of lives already by preventing fellow soldiers from talking to resting First Lieutenant.

Y = Yuck (What are some things they wouldn’t like, either in general or in a partner?)

He has specific requirements for his environment and a list of traits its members have to lack.

For example, curiosity did kill the cat. People by his side should not pry into his personal business unless they want to get bitten. It is dangerous for them, for Tsurumi, and for plans he has built, so his partner has to either be incurious or keep themself in check when it comes to bunch of stuff.

Freedom-loving and willfulness are the worst enemies of manipulator, no wonder that First Lieutenant looks for someone submissive. Guess, for those achieving high ranks, powerplay is an integral part of social interaction.

Ah, but at the same time, lack of personality makes Tsurumi yawn. Such people do not provide the kind of entertainment he is looking for and it is natural for him to overlook them in the crowd.

Z = Zzz (What is a sleep habit of theirs?)

Sleeps suspiciously well for a person who bites people’s fingers off. Brain injury left him dreamless for the rest of the life so as soon as Tsurumi’s head touches the pillow he immediately goes into a deep sleep. His sleeping schedule is nothing special too. Obeying the laws of army life, First Lieutenant wakes up early at the same time very day and goes to bed no later than 10 pm. Lies on the belly with arms straight up along the body. Without the head plate, obviously.

With the advent of a permanent partner in his life, Tsurumi’s sleep became more restless. Now he feels way too energetic, tosses and turns in bed, and cannot find a comfortable position in the bed. Since most of the time they still sleep apart (he has a reputation to maintain, blah-blah-blah), Tsurumi has to take a walk to blow off steam and get rid of swarming thoughts. Sometimes it does not help at all so he rushes to their house hoping to find peace in their arms. And so it happens. Tsukishima has almost come to terms with the frequent absence of the First Lieutenant in the mornings. However, Koito is not that happy about it and keeps bothering sergeant with questions to which he has no answer. Poor young man.

[hunbomb]

roommate! jaemin

i hope u guys like this one! i do :) 

warning: not proofread LMAO

jaemin: a huge flirt

like we been knew sis okay bUt its not like it defines him ya kno??? like yes he is a flirt but its not like he does it purposely

however that doesn’t stop every single girl from liking him

except for u cause you’re ~not like other girls~

jk you are 

cause who wouldn’t find na jaemin attractive?? tf???

okay but like the dealio between you and jaemin is that you are best friends 

and you have a fat crush on him (u have since the beginning of highschool LOL)

luckily for you, although jaemin is a flirt, he isnt interested in any girls so he doesnt bring any to your dorm

and even if he did, he would tell u because it would be shitty not to 

anyway

so u met in grade nine and yalls friendship popped TF off right away like you joined nomins duo and made it a trio in the span of 4 months and everyone was like???? this mf got that close to them that fast???? mastery

jeno was like ur brother from another mother fr

you and him told eachother everything and sometimes he would tell you things he wouldnt even tell jaemin. like everyone has those people that although theyre close w, there are some things you’d never tell and that goes for jeno and jaemin

jaemin never told jeno he listens to taylor swift

and jeno never told jaemin that he watched all of my little pony friendship is magic on netflix

but since you and jeno shared some personal things w eachother, you obviously told him about your crush on jaemin

and since you had a crush on jaemin, you never got like super super close with him just cause ur feels got in the way 

mainly just you never got as close to jaemin as you did jeno

sure you were bffs, but it wasn’t on such an intimate level

cause everytime jaemin would look your way you’d be gasping for air

so timeskip to senior year

everything is great

your friendship is still strong af and you guys are all planning for post secondary

jaemin and you get into the same uni right.... and jeno gets into the one the town over so your friendship wont take that much damage

but!!! jaemin wants to room with you!!! and ur like!! fucufejdsk!!!

cause like ofc you want to who wouldnt????? but you have such a massisve crush on him you dont want it to get in the way of not only yours but also jaemins university experience

you say yes tho and next thing you know youre unpacking all your stuff

the dorm is kind of small like there isnt a lot of space,,,,, theres two bedrooms but the beds literally take out the whole room HAHHAHA and then there is a chill space with the kitchen connected and u and jaemin have to share a washroom LOL

“jaemin what the FUCK did you eat??? beans??? i bet it was beans this shit smells so bad i-”

“it really do be ya own friends sometimes” -jaemin 2020 :((((((

anyway so like university life is good you and jaemin invite jeno over every weekend for a sleepover and vice versa its so cute GAH

but like,,,, here’s where the drama comes in

one day you are facetiming jeno and youre telling him about how you really like jaemin and blah blah ya know the usual

and youre not really looking at the screen cause youre doing your homework and focusing on that but jeno sees in the back that jaemin has fully entered the room

and you dont notice cause hes silent and your still talking but jeno is trying to get your attention UDHSJIA

and when he does you see in your part of the screen jaemin just,,,, standing there

cue you ending the call with jeno SO FAST and turning around like oH i thought you had classes right now?

“.... they ended early”

“i see” ://////////

you like get up super fast and just walk around him and go into your roomm shutting the door 

poor jaemin is just like “what”

cause to be honest he never really considered this situation ever happening yah he thought you were prettier than most girls and he liked the way you were able to talk to people so easily but he never would have thought you harboured feelings for him

so he kind of just leaves it be cause he knows that you def dont want to talk about it and is willing to wait for you to be the one who brings it up

so time skip to dinner youre both just eating in silence but you dont like it,,,

“what i said was true” you say and jaemin looks up and he knows where this convo is going but he lets you speak

“i didnt ever plan on telling you because i really like our friendship but i guess i wasn’t careful enough”

your heart is beating hella fast but you try to look unbothered and its going pretty good until jaemin asks you something

“how long have you felt this way?”

OKAY like it shouldnt be a big deal to tell him bc you already exposed yourself but for some reason that question just hit you deep cause you realized that youve liked him for so long and he never felt the same ya know

“i dont know,,, since the start of highschool? when we became friends i always thought you were cute and it just turned into a full blown crush”

jaemin just sort of nods in response “oh okay”

so that night your just laying in your bed full of regrets

you know things are about to be super duper awkward between you and jaemin and you wish it didnt have to be like that

so over the next couple of weeks its more awkward than it has ever been before and the sleepovers with jeno seem so divided 

its either jeno and you or jeno and jaemin its never the three of you anymore :((((((

jaemin isn’t ignoring your feelings though, dont worry! hes just trying to sort his out

because your confession kind of opened his eyes

he doesnt want to force himself to like you but he cant help but admit that when he first heard you talking about your feelings a huge warmth spread through his chest and he may or may not have uncovered some feelings

these feelings were always there but he suppressed in grade nine cause he thought you’d never like him and you just wanted to stay friends

so he pushed them down and never thought about it again

but obviously that didnt happen because now youre on his mind 24/7 and he wishes that he could just talk to you but hes kind of nervous

so after taking advice from jeno he tries to talk to you more, like asking how your day went and starting up conversations

youre  kind of like “what u playing at son” but you leave it cause you know jaemin would never do you dirty like that

it stays this way for a while until one night theres a particularly bad thunderstorm and jaemin is scared of thunder

and so when youre just playing on your phone jaemin opens your door slightly and has this scared look on his face

and you know that jaemin is scared of thunder so you open your arms without any words being shared

a huge boom of thunder makes jaemin squeal and jump into your arms

and he gets comfy under the covers as youre holding him, no words shared between you two

he starts to feel much better and this sense of comfort washes over him like,,, youre his home

and as hes falling asleep he softly mutters

“im sorry it took me so long”

and youre just straight confused like what does that mean is he talking about his feelings or just the fact that yall havent had such an close encounter in a while 

the next morning you wake up and jaemins arms and you guys are facing eachother

and hes already awake so when you oepn your eyes you find him already looking at you

“thank you for last night, youre the best” he whispers and youre like all good fam i understand

but then he leans in closer and is like “i should have told you this so long ago, but i am in love with you”

your eyes widen and youre like wh AT the FUCJ your heart is beating at like 420 bpm and ur shooketh

he just smiles and pulls in you in closer and its just a super soft moment and no words have to be said

that night you guys are cuddling on the couch after dinner when jaemin just asks you be his gf

OF COURSE YOU SAY YES! you have been waiting for this moment for god knows how long

jeno is all like damn fina-fucking-ly i’ve been watching this romance play out for like 5 years! 

its super cute

its even better that you guys are roommates because youre already living together so you get to see eachother everyday

jaemins room as become a guest room for sorts as he now shares a bed with you

jenos happy af hes like YESSS I DONT NEED TO SLEEP WITH JAEMIN IN OUR SLEEPOVERS ANYMORE

jaemin: >:(((((( tf is that supposed to mean

you just laugh and youre like im not complaining hahaha and jaemins heart just stutters so bad 

he really does love you and he cant believe it took him so long to accept his feelings

and one night he tells you about how he pushed them down and youre like “exCUSE ME we could have been dating all this time u pussy”

sad jaemin :((((( 

anyway ya its so good its a win-win situation 

you get to room with the love of your life and its just magical there are so many soft moments between you two and just UGH relationship goals

i need me a jaemin

[thisisthepartwhereyou]

BEASTARS MINI-STORY #3: “The Pitfalls of Thin Walls pt. 3” by JCL

We're back in Sebun's apartment. Raika looks surprised and bewildered. RAIKA: "Wow, I didn't see that coming!" Ebisu on the other hand looks a little shocked. EBISU: "How can they talk about having kids? They're basically kids themselves!" ZAGUAN: "You think Haru is pregnant with his baby?" Eugen shakes his head at this notion. EUGEN: "The way young people carry on these days, I wouldn't be surprised." Bogue on the other hand nods and looks intrigued as he continues to take notes. BOGUE: "I can see it right now: The hidden condo full of playful little wolf-rabbits. Little... I dunno, what would be the therm, 'wunnies?'" -- Haru begins to cheerfully rant while Legosi looks weirded out. HARU: "There's so many pretty flower names for girls you know. *HIC!*" LEGOSI: (She's not poisoned.. She's DEAD-DRUNK!) HARU: "Rose, Hyacinth, Violet, Daisy, Jasmine, Lily... The list goes on!" Legosi tries to inernally calculate how this could've happened. LEGOSI: (But HOW?! I mean I had some sake in the soba, the way grandad always makes it, but...) Haru begins to pout and begins to scratch her chin in a pondering manner. HARU: "Not a lot of names for boys though, that might be a problem... Hazel? Nah, that's such a typical rabbit name..." LEGOSI: (Wait a minute...!) He grabs Haru by the shoulders in order to gain her full attention. LEGOSI: "Haru, focus. If I poured 1,5 dl of sake into the kind of small cups you have at your family's house, how many cups would I fill?" Haru looks confused; warped scribbles of matemathical equations and numbers holding martiniglasses dance around her head. HARU: "... How many?" She then laughs and gives Legosi a playful slap on the arm. HARU: "SILLY! I can't drink that much! I get tipsy from just one cup, six would just slay me!" Legosi looks horrified. -- Fina facepalms. FINA: "Ooooooh now I see what is going on. You can have liquor in yakisoba right?" The rest of the guys look confused. MUGI: "Yeah?" FINA: "I think that Legosi has made a classic mistake that can sometimes happen when you cook a meal for a smaller animal: He didn't take their different size proportions into consideration." The other guys still look confused. EBISU: "I don't get it." FINA: "It's simple: Lets say he made a meal with proportions adapted for a larger animal like himself, with alcohol." Explanatory illustrations pop up behind Fina as she details what she means. We see a chibi-version of Legosi standing next to a stove, pouring the contents of a flask of sake into a wok containing yakisoba. FINA: "Within those proportions, that amount would have virtually no effect on him." Chibi-Legosi proceeds to eat from a bowl of the same yakisoba. He seems completely unaffected. FINA: "But give it to an animal who has a smaller body to process it, that amount might just be much more potent, and make-" We then go over to a Chibi-Haru who eats from the same kind of bowl. She seems unaffected at first. BOGUE: "That poor little bunny more drunk than a skunk on junk outta some trunk!" Chibi-Haru turns red, puts the bowl on her head and starts to dance drunkedly back and forth. We cut back from this illustration and return to the gang in Sebun's apartment. Zaguan shakes his head sympathetically. ZAGUAN: "Poor Haru, poor Legosi. What bad luck!" -- We're back in Legosi's apartment. Legosi looks incredibly guilty, while Haru looks a little stunned. LEGOSI: "I am so sorry Haru! I didn't mean for this to happen!" HARU: "Oh... So that's why I feel strange..." Then she points and laughs at Legosi. HARU: "Haha, you idiot!" Legosi doesn't seem offended though; just sort of relieved that Haru seems to take this in stride for now. LEGOSI: "Don't worry about it, I'll fix this somehow...!" He gets up in a panic, unsure of what to do. He freezes though as he suddenly hears a voice coming through the wall. EBISU: "Make her some coffee!" -- The gang in Sebun's apartment stares daggers at Ebisu, who is holding down his beak, having realized that he thought WAY too loud just now. Fina hisses at him under her breath. FINA: "Idiot...!" Ebisu looks panicked, but then he suddenly spots a coffee jar on a nearby table with the brand Walker's Instant Coffe printed on the side and gets an idea. EBISU: "W-Walker's Instant Coffee, the brew for every couple!" He then proceeds to sing like it's all part of a commercial jingle, set to the tune of "The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round". EBISU: "Dun-dun-dun, just make her some! Dun-dun-dun, just make her some... He gives the others an imploring look. They get what he's trying to do and joins up in his singing. EVERYONE: "Dun-dun-dun, JUST MAKE HER SOME!" -- Legosi hits his fist in his open hand, completely buying into that it was just a commercial playing next door. LEGOSI: "Coffee, that's a good idea!" He turns around and goes over to the sink, where he grabs a percolator. He opens it and proceeds to fill it with water from the tap. LEGOSI: (And I who thought this kind of stuff only happened in mangas or bad fanfics...!) He suddenly gets a shocked expression though. He turns his head back and looks down to see that Haru has walked over and grabbed his tail. She is proceeding to snuggle with it like it was a stuffed animal. HARU: "I've wanted to touch your tail for the longest time! Heeee it's so warm and fluffy! It's like a steering wheel cover in the winter!" Legosi gives Haru an imploring look. LEGOSI: "Haru... Could you please not touch my tail?" Haru looks up at Legosi in drunken confusion. HARU: "Why? Is there poop on it?" LEGOSI: "NO... Because it is making me a little uncomfortable." HARU: "Oh... Okay." Haru lets go of his tail, looking a bit dissapointed, while Legosi breathes out in relief. LEGOSI: "Phew... HUA!" Legosi looks shocked yet again. It turns out that Haru's attention has moved away from his tail and onto the second best THING. Though we don't see exactly what she grabs, as she is off screen. HARU: "I've wanted have my hands on THIS for the longest time too...!" Legosi looks like he wants to die. LEGOSI: (I AM IN A HELL OF MY OWN MAKING) -- Fina has a little blush on her face. FINA: "I suspect her hands found something else to fondle..!" Zaguan looks a little uncomfortable. ZAGUAN: "Maybe this is getting a little too private?" Bogue on the other hand seem to writing things down in a notebook. BOGUE: "Maybe, but you can't deny it's total gold!" -- Legosi is now carrying Haru in his arms towards his mattress, while she sings a tonedead rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You". HARU: "And aaaaah-ah-ha-ha *HIC!* Will alwaaaaays love uuuuuu-" Legosi looks anything but enthused by Haru's musical aspirations. LEGOSI: "Haru please... My neighbors will hear you...!" At this, a text bubble with a large sweatdrop spawns from the wall behind them, illustrating the neighbor's sense of irony. Legosi proceeds to put Haru down as carefully as possible. He leans down and gives her an assuring smile. LEGOSI: "Just lie down here for a while. You'll be back to normal in no time." He's about to rise up, but Haru grabs him by his t-shirt. HARU: "Hey... " LEGOSI: "Hm?" She has a come-hither sort look in her eyes. HARU: "... You're not gonna leave just yet, are you?" LEGOSI: "I, um, well...!" HARU: "There's a pretty girl lying underneath you, intoxicated and vulnerable... It hasn't crossed your mind, has it? *HIC!*" LEGOSI: "Wha-wha-what are we talking about?" Haru raises her other hand and proceeds to caress Legosi's cheek. HARU: "To take advantage of the situation. Full and complete, ADVANTAGE." Haru speaks the last of this line with such a low voice, that it is obvious to everyone except the completely stone-deaf that it is an invite. -- Most of the gang in Sebun's apartment has gone red in the face, the exception being Raika and Zaguan, who looks relatively calm. Fina begins to speak in a nervous and high-pitched voice. FINA: "Oo-ho-ho-ho-kay, maybe we should stop listening now!" Raika waves this away though. RAIKA: "It'll be fine, we all know Legosi. He's too much of a gentleman." Zaguan nods at this. ZAGUAN: "Agreed. He would never do something so clearly amoral." -- Legosi grabs Haru's hand and gently (but firmly) removes it from his cheek. LEGOSI: "You´re drunk Haru, of course I wouldn't!" -- Raika smiles and points at the wall. RAIKA: "See? He's a regular Gregory Peck!" The others look a bit relieved. -- Haru suddenly sits up and looks Legosi straight in the eye, a sudden sharpness appearing in her gaze. HARU: "What if I said I'm not as drunk as you think, and I'd like you to?" RAIKA: "OH HOT DIGGEDY DAMN!" Both Legosi and Haru turn their heads to look at the wall. The sudden outcry is then followed by a loud acapella-styled jingle. EVERYONE: "DUN-DUN-DUN! JUST MAKE HER SOME!" HARU: "What the hell?" Legosi's large, muscular arm moves past Haru's face. She looks up, and Legosi appears to be leaning in to kiss her. Haru swallows, thinking that Legosi is about to accept her invitation. But then we see that Legosi was merely reaching for the pillow next to his mattress, which he places behind Haru. He sits back and gives her mature look. LEGOSI: "I'd say you're still drunk, and it would still be wrong." He then grabs her with both hands and pulls her back, putting her head down against the pillow with a gentle, yet strict, care.   LEGOSI: "Now lie back, while I make you some coffee." He stands up and walks back to the sink. Haru looks a bit annoyed, kind of like a kid that has been sent to bed early because she wouldn't eat hear vegetables. HARU: "... Fine." -- The gang in Sebun's apartment looks relieved beyond belief, almost collapsing from the whole ordeal. RAIKA: "The force is strong in that one..." -- TEXT: LATER, AND ABOUT 5 MINUTES BEFORE SEBUN COMES HOME. Haru and Legosi are now sitting next to each other on the mattress, both holding a cup of coffee in their hands. Haru is much more sober now and looks ashamed. HARU: "I am sorry." LEGOSI: "Don't be. It was my fault to begin with." HARU: "But I acted like a complete idiot... I fondled your naughty bits and asked you to take advantage of me...! God I must be so screwed up!" LEGOSI: "I... Think everyone does something they normally wouldn't do when they've had too much to drink. Or in your case, eat food filled with booze." Haru gives Legosi a sad look. HARU: "But I made you uncomfortable. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. Not when you're so nice to me... It's frustrating you know, cause it seems like I can't do anything for you. I just want to do something for you in return and I don't know what..." Legosi blinks. He puts a hand on Haru's shoulder. LEGOSI: "Haru... You know why we can't go too fast. Our instincts tell us one thing, and that is either to eat or get eaten, and we don't want either to happen." HARU: "I know... But our heads and hearts, they want us to do nice things to each other, because that's what people do when they care about each other. I mean, you work so hard to make this work, and now you're making me dinner too? It just doesn't feel fair somehow... It's kind of like Christmas when you exchange gifts; you feel guilty when you don't have anything to give back." Legosi stares at Haru. She sighs, gets up and proceeds to pace back and forth. HARU: "I know it's stupid, but I just feel bad about not having given or sacrificed enough compared to you. I mean you dropped out of school, you're covered in scars, you work your butt off in a restuarant and get involved in all kinds of shady stuff, all for me. Meanwhile, I just keep going to school, I have a good relationship with my family, I don't have any problem with money and I'm not even bullied anymore! I mean be honest with me, doesn't any of that bother you?!" As she turns to Legosi with a frustrated expression, she suddenly trips over the carpet and almost falls over. Legosi reacts with lighting-fast reflexes and catches her. She looks up at him, and he gives her a serious look.   LEGOSI: "It doesn't bother me a bit. What kind of person would I be if I wished my girlfriend's life sucked? You make me feel good, just being you. Coming to visit me, letting me come to visit you and your family, talking to me, looking at me with no fear... You don't have to feel oblidged to sleep with me because I cooked you a meal. This isn't a third world country you know." Haru blinks, then gets a shy expression on her face. She looks away with a wobbly smile and begins to run her finger across Legosi's forearm. HARU: "Hey... Since when did you start to act so adult?" Legosi smiles in response. LEGOSI: "I'd say you're rubbing off on me, and I like it." -- We're back in Sebun's apartment, where the whole gang seems to be nearly moved to tears. Ebisu is rubbing some away as he speaks. EBISU: "That guy is my fricking hero...!" Bogue on the other hand is biting into his notebook with tears running down his cheeks. BOGUE: "I'll have to dedicate my next book to them. They are so inspirational!" Fina smiles with a proud look on her face. FINA: "Gregory Peck can throw something old over himself." All of them look up though as they hear the door opening. TEXT: SEBUN IS HOME -- Haru's ears suddenly flickers. She appears to have noticed something, and she moves her hand up to her nose. She sniffs it and then gives off an amused little giggle. HARU: "Nope, it's still here." LEGOSI: "What is?" HARU: "The smell. I think I was mistaken earlier. It wasn't the apartment. It's probably coming from you." Legosi looks embarassed. LEGOSI: "Oh..." Haru grabs his big hand with her two small ones, takes it to her face and presses her nose against his fingers. HARU: "Don't worry about it." She looks up, and her eyes meets with his. They got more tenderness in them than the entirety of "Love me tender." HARU: "I like your smell..." Legosi blushes heavily and swallows. LEGOSI: "..." (Her touch, her eyes, they're so full of warmth) He grabs both of her hands in his, and begins to lean down closer. Haru looks up. LEGOSI: "Haru..." HARU: "Hm?" She sees in his eyes that there's something Legosi wants; coincidentally, the same thing that she wants. Her eyes begin to glitter with anticipation. HARU: (Really? Now? Is he finally ready, so that we can... we can... finally ki-) She raises her head, he lowers his, they both ready their lips and are about to proceed when: SEBUN: "LIKE HELL YOU CAN!" The sudden, loud voice coming from next door startles them both. Especially Haru, who jumps up and grabs Legosi around the throat. Legosi on the other hand gets so surprised that he trips backwards to the kotetsu, which he violently crashes into.   -- Their screams and the violent crash is heard next door, turning into the exact same scene at the end of part 1. SEBUN: “… Did you say.. That Legosi was making her dinner?” -- We see the disastrous result of the crash in Legosi's apartment. He is sitting in the wok atop the collapsed kotatsu. Both he and Haru, who is lying atop of him, are covered head to toe in yakisoba. Legosi looks tired. LEGOSI: "You know what, maybe we'll just go out and eat next time." Haru looks like she's in a murderous state of mind. HARU: (I am gonna kill that woman next door...!) TO BE CONTINUED...

[chrisevansbabymama]

Call Me

Summary: Vanessa, plus-size protagonist gets ditched by her date after Chris persuades her to give it a chance. 

Disclaimer: I haven’t experienced what the character goes through so there’s so much cognitive dissonance on my part which might come across as ignorant, but please know it’s not intentional or with malice.  Be gentle with me. I hope I do it justice. 

______

“Chris! I’m so nervous, my hand is shaking, literally shaking,” Vanessa shrieked to her best friend, as she got ready.

Her phone was wedged between her ear and shoulder as she strapped on her midi heels.

“You’ll be fine,” Chris laughed on the other line. “You’ve been talking about this guy and how you just click over text and on the phone, it’ll be even better in person. I promise,”

Vanessa heaved a heavy sigh. First dates with anyone were always nerve wrecking. But the added pressure of meeting in person someone that she had met online wasn’t helping. She’d never done this before.

She’d worked with Chris as his assistant for three years, always side by side, as the nature of the job permitted. Not that she would ever complain; he was the loveliest person to work with, funny, endearing and of course good looking. That little crush she had on him never went away, but she also really loved him as a friend to even risk losing him. So she never thought of pursuing him, more so because she believed she wasn’t his type.

What on earth would Chris Evans, with his dating history, be doing with a plus-sized black woman? As ‘woke’ as he was, surely that wasn’t a territory he wanted to venture into, she would muse.

 But to give him due credit, he had been a good friend, his humility, honesty, loyalty and big heart was what she treasured the most. And of course his pretty darn good looks were the oversized cherry on top.

“Okay, if you say so,” she looked at her watch. “I have to go Chris,”

“Okay beautiful, let me know everything! Sneak off to the bathroom and give me updates, if he gets weird, just call me, I’ll be right over,”

Vanessa laughed, “I will, I promise,”

“Oh and Nessa?”

“Mhhh?”

“If you get stuck, have fun tonight, just relax and be you. He’ll love it,”

“Really?” Vanessa asked incredulously, grabbing her bag and turning off the lights.

Chris groaned, “Oh hell yeah, trust me,”

And she would do just that; be herself, and not the first-date version of herself that she often put forward. Everyone had one. But if Chris said it’d work, she believed him. He had a way with women, so of course, he knew what he was talking about.

______

Nessa: how late is too late?

Chris: still not there?

Nessa: He said he’s running late, but that was thirty minutes ago, there’s no update.

Chris: Call him?

Nessa: Voicemail

“Ma’am, would you like order?” The waitress came to Vanessa’s table tucked at the corner, for the third time.

The first time she was offering the menu. The second she had been taking Vanessa’s order of white wine.

“I’m still waiting for my uhh friend,” Vanessa said with a nervous giggle, gesturing to the empty seat.

The waitress nodded and pursed her lips, “Just to let you know we only hold our tables for twenty minutes ma’am, and I’ve let your surpass that by a mile,“

“He’ll be here,” Vanessa said quickly.

“Okay, let me know if you need anything,” she smiled contritely before walking away.

She felt more self-conscious than she had after the first fifteen minutes that he hadn’t bothered to turn up. Now almost 45 minutes later, it was as if everyone was really watching her. 

People dine alone all the time, I could be one of those. It’s normal. She thought, trying to ignore the occasional glances from other diners that she had imagined.

8:43pm, her iPhone displayed. If he wasn’t here by 8:50 she was leaving. She felt even more stupid for staying that long, despite him notifying her about his punctuality. He couldn’t even make the effort to be there on time? Why even give him that chance?

She picked up her phone and messaged Chris to let him know that she was going home as soon as she finished her wine. He didn’t reply. So she sat there, looking around and watching people walk past in groups, ready to paint the town red. There were couples linking arms, another kissing by the car across the road. And in the restaurant alone, there were plenty. Everyone but her seemed to be having a fulfilled night. She wondered which ones, if any were on their first date. Which ones were in their honeymoon phase? It’d been a while since she’d been there. 

When 8:50 came, she decided to give a few more minutes, just in case, slowly nursing her wine as rationale. The looks became obvious; the waitress was now at the door speaking to the maitre dí, pointing towards her table. Well, she couldn’t blame them, she’d held the table for a while and had ordered nothing but a glass of wine. She took out her card, knowing that the next time the waitress came, she’d be kicking her out.

She messaged Chris...

Nessa: I’m done!

Nessa: This is so embarassing!

Nessa: I should have followed my instincts.

Nessa: I’m SUCH an idiot!!!

Nessa: I can’t believe he really didn’t show up!

Chris didn’t reply again, but he called straight away instead, the worry in his voice was apparent as he spoke the minute she answered on the first ring.

“Hey,” he said tentatively.

“Chris!” she could only muster. She wanted to cry, she palmed her forehead, hiding her face, because surely now the whole restaurant was watching her. Oh the pity she imagined they wore on their faces.

“I’m sorry,” he said softly. “I’m so sorry, I feel bad I pushed you to go on this date,”

“Ma’am?”

Vanessa looked up at the waitress, “Chris, I have to go,”

“Vanessa-?”

“I’m sorry ma’am-“

“It’s okay, I understand,” Vanessa forced a smile and raised her card to the waitress.

The waitress merely nodded, wearing a look of sympathy that Vanessa resented because she was too familiar with it, “I’ll get the card reader,”

Vanessa forced herself not to cry. She wasn’t going to cry. Not just yet. She was going to once she got home. She could scream into her pillow and not face the judging faces of the others. She could almost laugh at how hilarious this whole situation was. She always told herself to follow her intuition, and the one time she ignored it, the universe had to prove a point. At her expense. Great.

She put her blazer on, downed the last of her wine and waited for the waitress to return so she could pay, and rush home to call Chris and shout at him for making her do this.

“Hey,” a familiar baritone said behind her.

She turned around so quickly she almost gave herself a whiplash, and then a heart attack at the sight of him.

“Chris?” she frowned, as if she’d seen a ghost.

He was assessing her to see what state she was in; she had her brave face on. He was very familiar with it. She always did that, hide her feelings behind a contrite smile that he’d become so familiar with.

“You okay?” he asked, sitting opposite her.

Suddenly, the room filled with murmurs of excitement at the unexpected spotting of a celebrity dining at a hidden gem. 

“Of course I’m not okay Chris,” she scoffed. “What are you doing here?”

“I knew from the minute you told me he didn’t call, that he wasn’t coming,” Chris frowned apologetically, then grimaced at how harsh he sounded. “I made my way as soon as I could. I’m sorry, he’s a jerk,”

Vanessa shook her head and looked out of the window, those tears welled up in her eyes, threatening to spill over. She wasn’t going to cry. Especially not in front of Chris. She waved her hand dismissively, and chuckled.

“I’m an idiot,”

“Why?” Chris asked, sounding upset with her. “Because you trusted someone and they let you down?”

She shrugged, “He probably had time to think and thought nah, ‘she’s not my type, why bother?’” she laughed. “You know, at least be a man and own up to it?!”

Chris could detect the pain in that sinister laugh. He wanted to roll his eyes at how ridiculous she sounded, but he realised that’s how she felt and he wouldn’t want to trivialise that.

“Or maybe he came here, asked for the table and saw me, and thought hell no,”

“Vanessa, stop it,” Chris said fiercely, reaching for her hand. “Look at me...please,”

“Chris, it’s not your reality okay? You don’t have to ‘get it.’ You won’t ever. The world swoons just at your face alone, then of course, you are built like fucking Steve Rodgers in real life...what could you possibly get? Look around this room alone, as soon as you walked in, everyone gets excited,”

And then for the first time since he’d walked in, he suddenly became aware of the onlookers and sneaking iPhone cameras. He was thankful for the loud music blaring through the speakers, because this wasn’t a conversation for strange ears. He turned his attention back to her and listened. She’d always shared her insecurities about her weight to him, and how that got in the way of her love life or people just treating her like a person worth their attention. He wanted to take the pain away and make her realise how beautiful she was. But he knew, and had said it to her many times, but when the rest of the world wasn’t so accepting or as kind, it would take more than his efforts to change her heart. That wasn’t going to stop him from playing his part and doing right by her though, even if she didn’t believe him. 

“I’m sorry Vanessa, I know there’s nothing I can do to make this better or go away,” he said solemnly, tightening his grip on her hand. “But you know, it’s probably for the best that he didn’t string you along. I know it doesn’t make it better, but he didn’t deserve your time,”

“Uh..., sorry to interrupt,” the waitress returned with a sheepish smile.

Vanessa rolled her eyes internally. Of course Chris would have that effect.

“A...a...re you uhmm...still paying?” she looked at Vanessa.

“We’ll have the menus, please?” Chris looked at Vanessa, she gave him a small smile for confirmation. “And we’ll have a bottle of what she was drinking,”

“Yeah, sure, I’ll be right back,”

“Thank you Chris, for coming,” Vanessa finally said, heaving a heavy sigh. “I’m sorry for being a bitch,”

“No, you have every right to be mad. And at me for coming along with unsolicited advice. Man,” he shook his head. “Guys are jerks, I’m sorry on behalf of the entire male specie,”

Vanessa laughed, “It’s not your fault,”

“Yeah but women really put up with hardcore jackasses every day, can’t be easy,”

“Well,” Vanessa finally smiled. “Not all men. You turned out pretty decent,”

“Mhhhh,” Chris grimaced, slightly shrinking into his seat. Vanessa rolled her eyes. He always did this, deflected compliments, just as she did. “I try, I’m not perfect,”

“You’re miiiillleeesss ahead of the foolishness I’ve encountered, you have a good heart kid, I know you wouldn’t pull something like this,” Vanessa said confidently.

“Don’t make me blush,” he joked, then straightened up. “But no, I wouldn’t, especially not to you,”

“You don’t have to tell me what you think I want to hear,” she scoffed. “Besides, you’re now paying for this dinner, so stop sucking up to me,”

“Here you go,” the waitress interrupted again, placing menus in front of them.

“Thank you,” Chris and Vanessa said in unison.

“You’re welcome,” she said, needing a reason to linger a bit longer to take Chris in before she went off again.

“Have you been here before?” Chris asked from behind the menu? “What do you recommend?”

“The prawn tacos are amazing, oh and the nachos too, but they’re a lot - we can share,”

“Uh yeah, no, I don’t share,” he said avoiding eye contact. “You know this,”

“This is true. Evans doesn’t share food. And here I thought you were the good guy,”

“I am,” he smirked. “And also, I wasn’t just saying what I thought you needed to hear by the way, I meant it,”

Vanessa glanced at him, smiling as her heart warmed. She knew he meant it. Chris had a mantra where he always insisted on saying exactly what he meant and meaning what he said. But that wasn’t what warmed her heart; it was that the night had turned around for the better after all. There was no one she’d rather share the evening with than Chris. He looked up too, smiling in return.

What is happening here? She thought. She looked back down quickly, studying the menu as if she hadn’t decided on what she was having. Then her phone flashed on the table, her eyes flickered to it quickly, not wanting to rush to pick it up and be rude in Chris’ company. Until she saw his name flash on the screen.

"Shame he didn’t get to see how good you look right now,” Chris said, before Vanessa could even process what was going on, he continued, “Also, this is a much better date. Don’t you think?”

She shook her head at him for his silly antics, she couldn’t take him seriously when he was in flirting mode. It was that smirk that made it hard to discern how serious he was. Though it felt good whenever she was the recipient of it, she also wished that he really meant that, and not just said things to make her feel good. The problem with him saying things that felt good is that it was fleeting, he’d say it and move on.

“Are you ready to order?”

Vanessa looked up, grateful for the waitress’ presence for the first time that evening.   

“I think we are,” Chris said, Vanessa glanced over at him and met his eyes that were lingering on her. He smiled and raised his brows at her, “Don’t you think?”

Vanessa turned to the waitress and nodded rapidly, suddenly fumbling awkwardly with menu, “uh yes, I think so,”

Chris smiled from across the table, knowing that wasn’t an answer for the waitress.

[thealphabetmurders]

Soon To Be

(Previous) (Next)

Chapter 4: The Kids Aren’t Alright

Pairings: Analogical and Royality

Word Count: 1951 (chapter), 9295 (full)

Summary: Everyone had their vices nowadays. Information and ideas are conveyed too fast and quickly for anyone to stay sane without a little outside help. There are healthier coping mechanisms than others, some more effective than not, and Virgil has tried pretty much them all, and he has more shit to deal with than most. So whilst many found solace in sex, Smirnoff, and santa marta, Virgil was still smoking in 2019.

Triggers: Talk of self doubt, smoking, crying

Authors Note: I am suffering right now so I am going to make my characters suffer as well.

(Read on AO3)

“When you sat down on your lunch break with me, you ate a quarter of your sandwich and then put it back down because you ‘were not hungry’, despite not eating all day. According to Healthline, smoking can suppress your appetite can be suppressed while smoking by decreasing your sense of taste which can make eating less enjoyable. Once you stop smoking, you are more likely to be able to taste food fully again.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“I want you to live a long healthy life Virgil, however smoking exponentially increases your chance of lung cancer, according to the CDC, the Mayo Clinic, and every other health source in the world. Nevertheless, second hand smoke can be just as dangerous for others around you whether that be a roommate, or friend, or…. partner (?), and I am sure you would not want to hurt them.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

*****

“You came into work today even though you looked as if you had the Black Plague. Thankfully I came in just to see you (and Roman, I suppose), and did not order any food. This can be helped by quitting smoking, because your immune system lowers your ability to fight off infections because of smoking; these illnesses mainly consist of represtory tracts, though they are often times more susceptible to the common cold as well. I hate to see you unwell, I hope you are feeling better when I see you tomorrow.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist”

Virgil was having a weird day. He was only a couple hours into his shift and he already wanted to throw himself out of a window.

Firstly, his interaction with Patton as he was leaving was… Odd, to say the least. Normally his older roommate would love nothing more than to get him to stay and talk about anything and everything he wanted, almost causing Virgil to be late on some days.

However today, it seemed like he could not get him out the door fast enough.

“No, yea, I made you an egg and cheese sandwich for you to eat on your walk to work, I even added mustard, ‘cause I know you like it,” Patton hastily talked to Virgil as he was throwing said man’s lunch into a bag, very haphazardly.

“Can’t I just eat it here…?” Virgil asked at Patton laughed in a way that made Virgil cringe.

“No way, silly goose! If you do that you could be late again, what would you do without a job?” Patton beamed and Virgil half-chuckled weakly.

“Are you okay, Pat? You seem a bit… Off?”

Patton sighed and for a split second it looked as though he was going to say something, but changed his mind by shaking his head and smiling, “Nothing is wrong, just in a good mood today,”

Virgil frowned, but dropped the subject, “Okay… Oh, can I borrow your phone charger today, mine broke,” Patton nodded, shifting a bit where he stood, “Oh great, I will go grab it-”

“NO!” Patton yelled, making Virgil jump. “I mean, uh,” Patton cleared his throat, “No, I will go get it, my room is a mess,”

The shorter man practically threw the charger at Virgil and pushed him out the door. It was only halfway down the stairs that he realised he had forgotten his sandwich.

Virgil decided to forgo breakfast today.

Next, Roman had called in sick, which was odd seeing as he had just gotten sick not 3 weeks ago and rarely ever called into work. Virgil had to deal with his dramatics on the phone, something about “there is no cure” and “this may be the last you ever hear from me”, with the phone call inevitably ending with a short “see you tomorrow, V”.

Now, Virgil was walking on eggshells because he had to work with the owner of the company, Nelly. Nelly is a very rich manipulative boss who is very good at customer service but is terrifying. She also owns 5 different businesses, not including Marx, so she is rarely ever there, making the situation all the more anxiety inducing.

She also chain smokes like no other, so Virgil had been waiting almost 5 hours before being able to go outside to break, so he was a bit testy at this point.

He began thinking about Patton and how weird he was today, like he was hiding something from Virgil. He took any other drag of his cigarette and reasoned that his birthday was coming up relatively soon, so maybe he was planning something. Then again, his anxiety is telling him Patton is finally sick of his bullshit and just wants him away. But Patton loves everyone? What could be going on him? Why-

“Why are we always meeting like this?”

The cool as ice tone brought Virgil out of his daydream as the patio door opened and the imposing figure from his dreams walked through the door. Logan has since then forwent the bandage and just let the wound on his face air, but has clearly not learned his lesson on carrying four too many objects under one arm. Logan set down his stuff and Virgil blew the smoke quickly out of his mouth.

“We have met like 5 times, Logan,”

He quirked up an eyebrow, “And you are always smoking. Does that not constitute always if it is only a few?” Virgil shrugged as Logan opened a patio umbrella on the gorgeous April day, “A synonym for always is consistently, y’know,” Virgil chose not to respond again as he took another draw of his mostly lit cigarette. Normally he would want to engage in conversation, but his temper and plight towards his working situation today was nothing that nicotine or attractive men could sedate.

Logan pulled out his papers and laptop, turning it up to full brightness, and began writing notes  from a box of text Virgil couldn’t make out.

“I thought you were only here at night,” Virgil asked, seemingly uninterested.

The med student merely shrugged, never turning to face Virgil (whose was facing his back), “I was incentivized to come here today, for some reason,”

Virgil huffed, “Does it have anything to do with the little notes you have been leaving me?”

Virgil could only see the back of Logan’s head at this point, but he could tell he was grinning; his posture got a tad more loosened, his back muscles relaxed, he stopped typing, most likely to laugh in spite of himself. He move his right arm to his face, and the legs of his black frames adjusted more onto his ears.

“I was wondering if you had gotten those,” Logan took a deep breath of air in through his nose and tsked multiple times before returning to typing, “And it is evident you have not compartmentalized my fact yet,”

Virgil was tempted to throw his quartet lit cigarette at the back of Logan’s black locks, but opted for furiously crushing it under his foot instead, “Don’t give me that crap, Doctor Arias-”

“Soon-to-be, Doctor Ari-,” Logan corrected.

“Whatever,” Virgil threw his hands in the air frustrated and put them in his hoodie pockets, “You saw me smoking when you came out here, you didn’t not smell it in the air,” Virgil scoffed and put one foot against the wall, “The only thing I smell out here is your bullshit,”

Logan stopped typing and sighed, turning around to face Virgil for the first time in their conversation, “I apologise. From our previous interactions, your vernacular was quite sardonic and witty, so I thought you would appreciate a friendly repartee while also learning about the dangers of smoking. I was only trying to help.”

Virgil twisted his shoe that was suffocating the cigarette making the tobacco and paper spill all over the patio and under his shoe. He pulled on the loose threads of his jacket, setting his jaw and not wanting to look at Logan,the med student had barely talked to him today but was currently tap dancing on everyone single one of his nerves.

“Thanks for trying to help, but no thanks, Logan,” Virgil hissed at Logan, still not meeting his gaze, “I am not a fucking charity case, okay? I don’t need help from you or from any of your preppy doctor friends,”

“Soon-to-be doctor,” Logan muttered, and Virgil glared at him. Logan was looking down at his shoes.

“There are 35 million other Americans who smoke that are not me, so find someone else to be your little charity case or pet project-”

“Wait no. Virgil, please, you’re not just-” Logan started, but Virgil steamrolled over him.

“Okay? Because I don’t need anyone to fucking save me. I have been smoking for twice as long as you have been in your doctor program,” Virgil pulled his hand out of his pocket and held up a two in Logan’s direction, “I think I know a little more than you. I am not an experiment or an autopsy you can just pick the brain of. I don’t want your help,”

And with that, Virgil swung open the patio door, and closed it with enough force to shatter the glass it was made out of.

--

Virgil was still angry. He was angry with customers for being physically incapable of reading, angry with Nelly for scolding him about turn times during a rush when for half of that she was in the back on her phone, angry with Roman for calling in sick and forcing him to work with one of the teenagers for the last 3 hours of his shift, angry with Logan for trying to get him to quite smoking and being so damn nice and good and attractive, and angry with himself for being just an unfiltered moron. Virgil has never been good at controlling his temper.

Virgil was wiping down tables and just had a few odd jobs to do before he could go home and finally get started on his project. Virgil loved graphic design, he really did, and muses for his final come in odd places.

He saw that he just needed to take all the garbage cans out and then he could go home. Virgil went around to the three big cans in the store and only one was over halfway full. He changed that then went to change the smaller cans (near the creamer cart and outside). The creamer cart can was good and so was the outside trash can, he could tell that without even having to go outside.

However, Virgil looked down and saw the remnants of his fit of anger. The tobacco looked like sawdust spreading out over the patio like a graveyard of broken hearts. He groaned, knowing a metaphor like that means he has to go clean it up a bit.

Grabbing the broom and dustpan, Virgil opened the doors and took in the still April air; the weather is always the best right at sundown. The thought reminded him of the time he spent with Logan just at sunset a few nights ago. The coffee on his breath, the soft look of his lips…

Virgil shook those thoughts out of his head and swept the patio; it was quite nice to be away from the hustle and bustle of customers before he leaves. Just as he swept up the last scrap of paper, he sees something that looks oh too familiar to Virgil.

He creeps over to the table, an animal stalking his prey, and stares at the napkin on the table with a pen on top of it. Virgil looks around him quickly, well aware no one is watching, then snatches up the napkin (a bit too eager, he may add).

“Virgil, you are not experiment to me. I try to help because I care. I apologise for overstepping, though. If you do wish to communicate further, hand my pen back to me when I visit next. If not, just keep it (or throw it away). I do enjoy your company. You have become incredibly important to me in the short time we have known one another.

You did seem quite upset today, though. Research into smoking and stress has shown that instead of helping people to relax, smoking actually increases anxiety and tension. Nicotine creates an immediate sense of relaxation so people smoke in the belief that it reduces stress and anxiety. This feeling of relaxation is temporary and soon gives way to withdrawal symptoms and increased cravings. Smoking reduces nicotine withdrawal symptoms, which are similar to the symptoms of anxiety, but it does not reduce anxiety or deal with the underlying causes. Let me know if I can help you in any way. I care a lot about you, V.

(soon to be) Dr. Logan Arias, Addiction Psychologist

Virgil reads the notes 5 times. Then once more for good measure. He pockets the note with the others in his wallet. He cannot stop blushing if he tried.

*****

“You’re good to go Virgil- Oi, why is your face so red? You gettin’ sick too?”

Virgil tripped out the door, holding his wallet in his hand, “Uh probably! Bye Nelly! See ya later!”

[johobi]

WYLEI 11 - submission

The following was a submission (rather than a series of asks) discussing the latest chapter, sent in by one of my lovely regulars, lie anon. As it’s quite long I’ll place it under a read more; if it doesn’t display, I’m really sorry!

Wow, Jo. There’s so much I want to say to you. First of all, thank you so much for writing WYLEI. It was 18K of goodness; a ride so wild that I don’t wanna ever come down. This chapter is filled with pain, misery, heartbreak, relief, love and lust - a diabolical cocktail (hehe) that you feed to us and we partake so gleefully. The wait for this chapter is so worth it, and thank you so much for working so hard on it. You’re such a gem! I’m sending you a submission so I don’t clog your inbox ><“ I’m sorry I’ve so much thoughts I want to share ><”

You’re so welcome!! I’m serious! You’ve been so patient and encouraging the whole way. And don’t ever apologise for ‘clogging’ my inbox, I’m always so happy to hear from you :)

I want to gush about many parts of the chapter, namely the smut and heartbreak and confession. Wait, that’s the whole story wtf gdi lie anon is whipped as fuck!!! Ok I’m gonna talk about the sad parts first. Good lord Y/N had to force herself to look away from Kook because those eyes are a mirage now, and it will transport her to places of pain and misery that she shouldn’t find, that doesn’t belong in the first place ugh can you hear the sound of my heart breaking into a million pieces… The promise of happier and blissful days ahead are now shattered by Kook’s deadly secret :( it fucking stinks because I was rooting for Kook and Y/N right from the start. “Like an inmate fleeing from some plush penitentiary of pain” what the fuck. Y/N doesn’t deserve this bullshit. All she did was love Kook and he broke her. Fuck JK, really. I’m so mad at him right now. He better have a fucking good explanation for what’s going down as The Biggest Fuckup in The History of Mankind, istg. Or I’ll personally strangle this stupid boy with my bare hands ugh ajksfhjsl fuck!!!

fhfhfh yes, looking into the eyes of someone you thought you knew (and loved) after such a horrific revelation must be so difficult. Like, that person kissed and said sweet nothings to you behind a mask of some sort, so it must feel like looking into a stranger’s face afterwards. That’s definitely how Y/N was feeling. dfjkdjkj he really better have the most redeemable of reasons for lying to her. Will you guys think it’s good enough tho?!

I was expecting him to run after Y/N, because that just felt so much like what he’d do but he didn’t. Was it because his fiancee was there? Y/N couldn’t bring herself to hate the woman ugh my child is so pure and I’m hurting all over again :( “I’m not going to chase you” and “I won’t give up” um, what in the fresh hell, really. Why is he so lax in his pursuit now? :(

He said he wouldn’t chase her just so that she wouldn’t trip and fall to her death down the stairs (so he does at least possess some humanity lmao). And he must have said that he wouldn’t give up, because, well… he turned up at her apartment later. And rang her in between. As I try not to offer too many insights into their minds, I will say it from a place of speculation: perhaps he understood that she needed to get away from him at that moment. She absolutely wouldn’t stop running. So he resorted to calling her, and then turning up at her apartment. I don’t think he wanted to run her into the ground (she was very clearly exhausted).

And Jo, the way you documented Y/N’s journey from the eighteenth floor to the ground floor was so intricate! Her thought processes, her inner monologue, her sense of self-worth diminishing… it really did a number to me because I actually felt pain as I read it. It feels as though Y/N’s blaming herself for this treachery, you know? :( that she felt she had bursted someone’s bubble when JK was the one who ruined everything with his own hands :( god, I’m in so much awe of what you can do with mere words. I’m unbelievably in love with the way you write. And the last sentence? A fucking cliffhanger. A fucking heartbreak to come once more. Why don’t you take my heart and run it over with a bulldozer since it’s broken already lmao.

;;;;;; i’m so glad you liked that!!!! I wanted it to be intense and breathless. Constantly repeating how tired/how much it burned to run, to emphasise it in your own mind. ‘Til you start feeling it yourself!! 

Yeah, Y/N has a tendency to blame herself for everything. She thinks she can’t keep Jungkook interested, must have only been an escape from his life on the upper crust, etc… he was helping to build up her confidence, but then he tore it all down again. I feel like she should take a leaf from actual BTS’ book and Love Herself first. :( People often can’t do what’s best for them, though, for various reasons.

Next, the confession. God, I loved it with every fibre of my ridiculous being. The rawness of it all. How it came gushing through her lips and to be met with equal fervour by Tae. The exchange was mesmerising - timid and shy yet bold and dauntless altogether. I appreciate the fact that Tae had to take some time to digest the information and that he responded in the way that he did. It did felt right, after all that shit he put Y/N through the years.

I got SO into writing that scene. I wanted it paced and worded perfectly, because that was the ‘big’ moment. The fic had been building up to it for 10 chapters. From all the feedback I’ve received, I feel like I was able to do it the justice it deserved, and I couldn’t be happier about it. ;;;; thank you so much. The tumult of emotion you mention is precisely how I wanted it to play out. It took some bold leaps into the unknown and neither know what’s on the other side, but they did it anyway.

The part where Tae found her in the old haunt was so heartwarming. The piggyback ride, that little trip down memory lane… it felt nice knowing that some things just don’t change with time. Tae’s conviction in getting even for Y/N’s sake had me melting into a puddle of goo and feels. He’s so protective over her ahhh omg where can I find me someone like WYLEI’s Tae!!!

THIS IS MY FAV BIT!!!! I imagined this from day one. T__T And it was so nice to put it down into words, finally. AND YASS PROTECTIVE TAE!! I’ll be honest I’m not one for hot-headed males IRL but in the realm of fic (and as long as they’re not psychotic), I enjoy a guy with a vengeful spirit. And you mention exactly why. The protectiveness. T___T ahhajwkh. 

Tae’s initial reluctance in not wanting to fuck Y/N in this state really had my heart soft and in a pulpy mess. He knew it wasn’t right because this one fuck might make things messy again. He didn’t want to fuck things up any further with Y/N because he loves her too much to put her through another shit show. It’s a small part nonetheless, but showed how much Tae loved Y/N even though it means going against her wishes at that point in time.

Yes!!!! That was hugely important to include!!! I feel, without it, I’d be getting far different responses to this scene. It was essential to demonstrate that Tae had learnt his lesson and really valued their friendship above all. That he doesn’t just think of her as a woman in an attractive body. 

I feel like this chapter mirrors chapter 9, for some reason? Perhaps it had to do with the culmination of buried feelings and emotions, primarily desire and longing. Passion that laid dormant and stifled for fear of ruining the present equilibrium, are now brought to life with a confession. That, I find, makes the scenes all the more emotionally charged and engaging. And all the smut with Tae… NOW TAKE OFF YOUR FUCKING PANTIES EVERYONE, IT’S TIME TO SCREAM!!!

You’re 100% right. The latter half, at least, is very much like 9. Y/N feeling desolate on the heels of the other guy, the lead-up banter, the actual act; it’s all very intimate; revolves around her and the respective guy in each chapter. And with a cliffhanger suggesting that you can’t just disappear into the arms of another and not pay the price.

“I want you to watch me undress.” > WHAT. THE. FUCK. Y/N is the epitome of Big Dick Energy, y’all!!! Fucking hell. The way she commanded Tae to watch her… WOW. I’m blown away with that power. That seductress side of her from before came out to play and I was unbelievably thrilled!!!

Hahaha, I guess, because I was writing her, I felt like her usual feistiness wasn’t behind that line. She was desperate to see some form of evidence that she was still desirable as a human being, so she put on a facade that normally comes very naturally to her. In this case it was pretty forced, and Tae saw through it quite quickly. Thank God, because I felt so awkward writing that bit. It really didn’t feel right to me.

“Fuck, all the times I’ve imagined you like this” > um, hello??? This is so fucking hot I’m sweating my fat ass off!!! Like Tae fina-fucking-lly gets to bone the living daylights out of Y/N and I can literally hear the utter desperation, the excitement, want and need in his deep, baritone voice as he says that? I’m not ok what the fuck is going on???

LOL you crack me up aklwjdawklj!! YES I had to cram in all his tasty one-liners about how much he’s thought about fucking her and in a myriad of ways bc gdi it’s hot and Tae is one horny man. With absolutely no reserve. IT’S SO HOT *fans self* 

“You have me” > um what the fuck, Jo? I legit died at this line??? I can only imagine the assertion and conviction in Tae’s voice when he said that??? He declared it once more to Y/N and I couldn’t breathe because /f e e l s/. Error 404: lieanon.exe not found (was dead in a ditch and now sending this from afterlife p.s. hell isn’t half as hot as the smut you write huehuehue).

aaaND THIS IS MY FAV OF HIS LINES DURING THE SEX STUFF!!! It’s just, like, it must be utter relief and happiness and desire flooding her hearing him say that. It’s all she’s ever wanted to hear from him. Instant crEAM. 

“Heaven was his practised teeth and tongue, pinching and suckling your collarbones to an inhuman shade. Like an overzealous pet he branded you with feral desire, mounting marks into stretches of unclaimed skin. ” > I got too much of a fucking kick while reading this because hickeys are fucking sexy and territorial so Y/N, WEAR THEM LIKE BADGES OF HONOUR. Ok seriously though where can I sign up for WYLEI’s Tae?!?!?!

ABSOLUTELY. HICKEYS FOR LIFE. I wanted to show how contrasting Jungkook and Tae’s approaches are in the bedroom, and Tae is far more aggressive (due to his confidence and experience). Plus he just freakin’ loves hickeys I guess. And as Y/N said, he’s aware ‘people’ will see them (Tae fights dirty lmao).

And that part when Tae fucked Y/N from the back AND pulling her while doing so? Mother of god that was SO. FUCKING. HOT. The mental imagery will never be lost on me, and it’s seared to the back of mind waiting to be revisited during /desperate/ times ahahaha FUCK. The tension and passion in that scene was palpable, and that taunting was sure as heck the cherry on top. Tae fucked Y/N through her squirting lmao let’s all hover over our damned bucket respectively because our panties are probably beyond soaked from that part istg my loins hurt and I need an ice pack gOD DAMMIT JO.

LMADOWNb i’m literally grinning from ear to ear reading this you are a tREASURE of the highest value. I’m glad you enjoyed that ;)))) my guidelines for going into this sex scene was: 1) it has to be passionate, 2) it has to be rough, 3) they both have to come quick the first time bc when you’re just THAT wound up about someone it’s hard to last long when you’re so impassioned and greedy. Plus I find something really hot about a fast ejaculation LMAO *sweats*. 

But you know what I find is the fucking sexiest part in the whole chapter? When Tae took Y/N’s hand and sucked her fucking fingers clean of her own juices wHAT THE FLYING FUCK JO WHAT THE ACTUAL /F U C K/ DID HE FUCKING LOOKED HER IN THE EYES AS HE DID SO?!?!?! I’M ASKING FOR A FRIEND ASHDFJKL I WILL NEVER BE OVER THIS PART.

you liked that the most!!!? Glad I included that then, that was just a spur of the moment thing I included while expanding the smut. He was v e r y hungry for her. ;)

AHHH I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS CHAPTER THE PAIN THE RAWNESS THE SMUT ASDAFFDSGL *incoherent yelling* uhm except i felt a little uncomfortable with the use of “oppa” it’s an overused trope “noona” is all good though i’m sorry please don’t hate me i love you :(

I had a couple of people ask about the oppa thing and honestly I had no idea that it had been sullied so much by kboos. After getting some feedback, including yours, I decided to change it to a much clearer ‘daddy’, after some thought on the matter. It’s probably the case that Koreans wouldn’t think to use their titles in such a way (correct me, anyone, if I’m wrong), as I was applying it with the vibe of ‘daddy’, and it’s probably not correct. So, just to be safe, I changed it. BTW I LOVE OVERUSED TROPES LIE ANON THIS WHOLE FIC IS BEST FRIENDS TO LOVERS THE QUEEN OF TROPES!! NO-ONE CAN STOP MY TROPE-LOVIN’ ASS!!! Can I interest you in some enemies to lovers eventually…?! (the king of tropes)

……so yes, *deep breaths* I think I’m done screeching about chapter 11 and now it’s time to revisit everything once again. Or maybe 9034857494 more times. I’m positive I’ll find something new to scream about ahahaha yikes I’m really whipped lmao. I’m so invested in your fic that I’m actually terrified of the day when it comes to an eventual end sigh pie :( you write so very well, m’dear. WYLEI has made me cry, made me smile and made me high. You’re a talented storyteller, bubz, and I can’t convey enough gratitude to you for bringing us this amazing fic, Jo. I love you so very much!!! You’ve done extremely well, truly and definitely. Always delivering the best to us readers. Sending you plenty of love and good vibes always, m’love!!! Thank you once again! (and sorry for this long ass submission i’m the literal worst) xx lie anon ♥️🌻

Lie anon, you’ve written a veritable novel of yourself here to me, and I just want you to know how very, very grateful I am of how much time you spent collecting your thoughts and communicating them to me. I’ve never received such an essay (I mean that in the most affecionate of ways) in my inbox and it was a heartwarming read from start to finish. Thank you so much. And never be afraid to tell me of the things you dislike, as you did with the oppa kink. I’m always open ears. <333333

[acertaincritic]

The Last Jedi - Opinion

To say that I have mixed feelings about this movie would be a serious understatement. I have a chaos in my head, a tangle of let-down hopes, pleasant surprises, and above all else, my inner critic’s ramblings. One thing I can say for sure – it’s better than “The Force Awakens”. But I guess it doesn’t tell you much, eh? Well, let’s try and unpack this mess, shall we?

Heavy spoilers under the cut.

But I mean it.

I. Do. Not. Hold. Back.

Where do we start when all the words fail us? How do we begin to describe the infinity? Eh, I don’t know. But for this movie, let’s start with all the good things, and then dive right into the bad stuff. Pretty much like “The Last Jedi” does.

So… Characters. I was surprised to find that I actually came to like Finn in this movie. He’s proactive, he’s heroic, he’s got motivation – a solid character now, that guy. Rose I liked too, and Poe, and of course good ol’ Leia. Luke was outstanding, and even more so Kylo Ren. Almost every character (see who’s missing?) got better by miles; I was sincerely afraid for some of them, and sad to see others go. Whoever was the screenwriter, they’re definitely praiseworthy.

Next. Special effects, camera work, music… But I don’t really have to list these, do I? What else do we expect from a high-budget Disney movie these days? Scene writing – and directing – was pretty good too. An example: we pick up with Rey just where she ended in the last movie: offering Anakin’s lightsaber to Luke on a forgotten island… He takes it, and then throws it away like nothing – brilliant! That’s the last thing the viewer expects, but at the very same, it aligns very well with Jedi’s ideal of not getting attached to things. To Luke, a Jedi Master, this lightsaber means nothing. It’s a little twist, but a twist that makes sense.

There’s plenty of other fun moments too. Luke teaching Rey the first lesson about the Force? With a blade of grass? I cracked a smile then, and at many other occasions too. Unfortunately, at some point creators seem to have got lost in the form, and stopped caring about the substance – more on that in a second.

Kylo-Rey talks. I loved it. Even more I loved the way Luke-Kylo past was revealed, complete with the little tweaks. When Luke first gives his lie about how he just went to Kylo to talk, this is what we see on screen – a memory he wants to remember. When it’s Kylo’s turn, we see Luke from his POV – a mad killer ready to strike. When we finally get to know the truth, we can see how both the versions came to be, and the whole picture makes an awful lot of sense.

Kylo and Rey vs Snoke. There are problems with this scene, undoubtedly, but overall I would be willing to forget them if not for what followed. Before that, though – the way Kylo killed Snoke was just perfect. I was holding my fingers crossed the entire sequence, and was not let down. Just. Why couldn’t the movie end right then and there?

That would be this. All the pleasant surprises listed above. Should I let my inner critic speak now? And heck, he has a lot to say…

Troublesome worldbuilding and inconsistencies

This is something that I care the least for, when compared to the other stuff, but it’s still a huge problem. See, there are things in this movie that just don’t make sense, or render the past actions laughable. The most obvious thing – destroying a super big imperial ship by jumping into hyperspace for a split of second, then dropping out of it. And I ask – if that’s possible, why didn’t we see any other character do it? Where’re the hyper-drive based missiles, why didn’t the Rebellion use this trick anytime before? Judging by the scale of destruction, they could’ve easily destroyed a Death Star with it – no need for a suicidal mission for a few dozens of pilots, let’s just send a single kamikaze. Bah, if a human can do it, then all the more a droid or a well-programmed computer. We see the ball take control of an imperial walker after all, why can’t it steer a ship as well? No need for anyone to die, let’s just keep building droids and ships with hyper-drive… Oh no, actually, the Empire can do it as well! Look how funny the battle scenes look now – like two fleets of comets raining against each other. Well.

Time flow is another serious problem. We know that the plot is supposed to take 18 hours – and yet Rey manages not only to spend at least a day on Luke’s planet (it feels like much longer), but also to return to the Rebellion in time for her facedown with Snoke and Kylo. What happened? Previously, even travelling by hyperspace took long hours; now it functions like teleportation.

There’re many other problems like this, and I’m sure you’ll find science nerds to list ‘em all. I’ll stop at this – I believe you see the point. And, like I said, this is the least of the problems.

The Force and its philosophy

Long story short, the Force is pretty much omnipotent right now. The sky is the limit! No, wait, actually, the sky is but a little obstacle… After all, Luke’s got no problems fighting Kylo through the Force when he’s in some faraway point of the galaxy. The creators were careful enough not to show us any actual map, but even assuming that they were barely a system away, these are still light years apart. Even in the Prequel Trilogy, for all its flashy somersaults and prophetic dreams, Force Users were not wizards. They could fall to the fire of a few blasters, and they weren’t able to do much against a full unit of fighters. But here? Who cares! Everything can be done, starting with reading one’s entire mind, finishing at surviving in the vacuum for long minutes and even levitating to safety. Basically Jedi are the new Superman of the galaxy, ugh.

Don’t get me wrong. I like magic, and I like the concept of the Force as something more mystical than just ‘microorganisms living in one’s body’. Previously I was often irritated that the characters don’t use it as often as they could, or that they do something outstanding one moment to forget about it twenty minutes later. But here? Here the creators went over the top, then climbed up the Mount Everest, and then decided that they’re still too low. The perfect balance of Force abilities I found in “The Rebels” seasons one and two – here it’s completely broken.

Speaking about the balance… the philosophy is a problem as well. It’s clearly established that the balance of the Force means both the Dark Side and the Light Side. That when there’s great light, there’s also great darkness. The problem is, it doesn’t make sense. If that was the balance, then what about the Chosen One? Why would Jedi wait for him, knowing that he would have to destroy them? Bah, is there any sense fighting for the Light then? We know for sure that the evil will only rise again, because ~balance~. What kind of message is that?

See, previously, the balance of the Force was the Light Side. The Jedi’s philosophy was to surrender to the will of the Force, to preserve harmony. The Dark Side, on the other hand, was extracting your will over the Force. Literally forcing events to go your way. This was why Jedi had various colors of lightsabers, and the Sith only red. This was why Sith’s eyes would change color – to reflect that what they were doing wasn’t natural. Bah, eventually their bodies would rot and turn ugly, distorted. The Light Side Users didn’t suffer that.

Now it’s all over the place. And it doesn’t make sense. Honestly, I never found the idea of surrendering to an outside will compelling, but at least it was consisted and provided a great explanation as to why the Sith are evil, and the Jedi good. Sure, you can say that the Jedi Order eventually rotted and let Darth Sidious rise – but it was because of their complacency and tendency to choose meddling in the politics over guarding the galaxy, not because something was inherently wrong with their philosophy. Now it’s because it was necessary for the balance, apparently.

Structure problems

Putting the clumsy worldbuilding aside, the first two-thirds of the movie are really great. The characters get development. We learn about what happened between Luke and Kylo. Kylo and Rey are having their strange conversations, really enjoyable to watch and adding depth to both of them. Then their showdown with Snoke – and what a twist, Kylo kills his evil master in a clever moment of badassery. And the fight! And Finn and Rose get captured! And the rebel ships are being destroyed one by one! But eventually Kylo and Rey win – what a great finale!

Just that… it’s not the finale yet. There’s another twist – Kylo’s not good after all, he killed his master only to take his place! And the imperial ship got cut in half by a kamikaze attack, so Finn and Rose have to run away ASAP! And the rebels reach their old base, hurray! What a great fina–

No, wait! The baze is now under attack by Kylo! And nobody responds to the rebels’ call for help, and they’re trapped inside, they have to destroy the big-ass cannon that the imperials have brought, and Finn is ready to commit suicide to do so, what a great f–

But wait! Finn is saved by Rose, and Luke suddenly comes for the rescue, now he’s facing against Kylo, and–

Do you see it? There’s no finale in this movie. There’re a good few sequences that would work very well as the finale, if they stood alone. But they don’t – they come one by one, with little to no break in between. The first one’s great, the second a surprise, but the third is tiresome, and the fourth straight-out irritating. You just can’t hold your viewer on the edge for so long – they want a conclusion, not an endless cycle of ‘they almost made it but...’ And I must say, the twists are very cheap too. No foreshadowing whatsoever, no satisfaction when they happen – all save the Snoke scene. Why the creators didn’t decide to go through with what the story was clearly building up to is beyond me. It was perfect, it was interesting, it was against the tropes – and yet they turned around in the last moment. It’s like an overly elaborate matryoshka doll. You unpack a layer after a layer, at first interested but then progressively more annoyed, hoping to finally find the last, whole doll – but in the end there’s nothing inside, just empty air.

Seriously, I felt like the creators were jumping at me from behind the corner, crying, ‘Surprise!’, in their childish belief thinking that they are being clever. But you can laugh at a cheap trick like this once, twice, maybe even thrice – then you’ll find that you’ve had enough. You don’t want every corner to be a playground for the insistent kid. Pulling things out of your ass is not a plot twist.

Just too many unfulfilled promises. After this crazy ride, we ended up just where we started, with a very cliche ending. I can’t even express how massively disappointed I am.

Rey

When I was a child, I dreamt of a female Jedi, you know? I imagined countless little stories of kinda-my-insert training, and eagerly pinpointed female Jedi among the fallen ones in the “Revenge of the Sith” to prove to myself that it was possible.

Nevertheless, Rey is by far the worst Star Wars lead I have ever seen.

She’s nothing. She has no character at all. No writing, no backstory, no motivation to be a hero. Luke wanted to be a Jedi because he wanted to be like his father – and then he had to grow and mature when he discovered his father’s true identity. Rey doesn’t grow, doesn’t mature. You can’t grow something that is nonexistent in the first place.

Why did Rey help Finn and the rebels in “The Force Awakens”? Even Rose has her reasons – she gives us a story of how Empire destroyed her home planet. But what did Empire do to Rey? Nothing. It was her parents who left her on Jakku as a slave. Sure, she wanted to be free, have adventures, just like Luke. But she didn’t have to join rebellion for that. She could’ve just left them once she got off Jakku, become a smuggler, bah, an imperial officer even. Why not?

To Luke, Empire was what killed his father. He wanted revenge, in some extent, I’m certain. Sure, that conviction turned out to be false – but he didn’t know about it when he left Tatooine with Obi-Wan and Han Solo. Rey doesn’t have a motivation. There’s just this weak ‘because everybody can see that Empire is EVUIL, mwhahaha.’ But really, this is a meta reason and as such, should not be considered at all. We as the audience can see it – Rey cannot.

Worse, even. In the second movie, Luke had to face his own Dark Side. First in the cave, where he failed, then in the form of Darth Vader who turned out to be his father – the man Luke had strived to imitate. He thought that it meant becoming a hero, just to discover that he was so, oh so wrong. But at this point he had grown close with the rebellion, with Leia and Han. He had other reasons to fight.

Rey didn’t change in this movie. What was the point of her cave scene? She went in there, saw some funny vision, and went out. No shock, nothing learned. ‘But, Critic,’ you may say, ‘she had an arc this time – she wanted to find out who her parents are!’

No. Just no. Yes, it was mentioned several times, but it was also 100% superficial. It was as if the creators realized that hey, our protagonist is completely bland, we need to give her something – and decided that of course, searching for her parents would be the right thing. Luke had something similar, right? The problem is, this searching in no way reflects in Rey’s actions.

Had it really been an integral part of Rey’s character, she would have taken Kylo’s hand.

Why not? She supposedly struggled to accept the truth that her parents were nobody, that they sold her and then died somewhere away, that they didn’t want her – and here’s the guy that does want her, that begs her to join him. Why shouldn’t she take his offer? From what she knew, Luke abandoned his mission and preferred staying on his tiny island to saving the galaxy. Why shouldn’t she join Kylo, who had just saved her from Snoke, with whom she had faced against multiple opponents?

There’s only one reason – because it’s not what heroes do. But Rey has no reason to be a hero! Bah, she didn’t even need to learn from anybody, she was a perfect good girl from the start. She’s the one lecturing Luke about his duties, not the other way round. Even Yoda states that she already knows what it means to be a Jedi. How? Why? How dare you ask! She’s super powerful because, uhm, ah… I know! Because balance! Because when Dark Kylo grows stronger, then so does Rey, because she’s his counterpart in the Light.

Don’t you find it ironic? The creators pretty much admitted that Kylo was the one who did all the heavy lifting. Rey’s power isn’t something she achieved – she was given it by the Force for the sake of ill-understood balance, because Kylo worked hard to grow more powerful.

Blah. And the creators probably congratulate themselves on writing a strong female lead. How condescending can you get? I want a female Jedi as the lead – but I want a female Jedi who is a character, not a mere plot device with a ‘woman’ slapped on the back as her only characteristic. I’ll eagerly wait for one – right now, I can only turn to “Clone Wars” and Ahsoka.

That would be all. I’m pretty sure that I missed plenty of things – but I feel fulfilled nonetheless. Thank you for reading so far, and may the Salt be with you. Always.

[spanishskulduggery]

Adverbial Expressions in Spanish w/ a

I’m working on a big post mini-series about different prepositions in Spanish, and I was working on the one for a and there are just so many adverbial expressions that use a so I decided to make this its own post so it’s not one GIGANTIC wall of text when I finish talking about everything that the preposition a is used for.

And if you’d like to go support me and what I do over on Patreon that would be lovely and greatly appreciated!

Anyway, here are some of the most common expressions I know of that use a 

Some of these are idioms, some are compound words. Most compound words with a indicate a kind of directionality or an intention. For example la regla is “rule” or “ruler”, and arreglar is “to fix” but in that sense it’s “to set in order” or more literally “to set according to how it should be / to set according to the rule”... things like that are very common with Spanish.

And as we all know I’m garbage at proofreading my own things so bear with me on this and if you see a typo or mistake, let me know.

a veces = sometimes, at times

a ver = “let’s see”, “well then” [commonly misspelled as haber which is a totally different thing]

a simple vista = “at first sight”, “one’s first impression” e.g. a simple vista parece que... = at first glance it appears that...

a la vez = at the same time, simultaneously

a pie = on foot, walking e.g. ir a pie = to go on foot

a salvo = safe / safe and sound e.g. estar a salvo = to be unharmed

al grano = “down to business” e.g. vamos al grano = let’s get down to business / let’s not waste time

a la izquierda = to the left / on the left-hand side

a la derecha = to the right / on the right-hand side

a través de = through / going through atravesar = to go through, to traverse

(hacia) atrás = going backwards

abajo = going under / lower

arriba = going up / higher up

al tajo = to work

manos a la obra = “let’s get to work”

al dedillo = “by heart”, “from memory”

a bordo = aboard, on board

a cause de = because of

a caballo = on horseback, riding a horse

a cambio = in exchange

a nombre de (alguien) = in someone’s name, under someone’s name ¿A nombre de quíen? = “In whose name?” or “Who’s the reservation for?”; this expression is used for things that are registered or reserved for someone. This would be what someone asks if you went to a restaurant or a hotel and asked you under whose name the reservation was made. It’s also something you’d see on licences and registrations for vehicles or leases, that kind of thing. If someone asks you this at a hotel, you would be giving them your name or the name of whoever you’re booking the room for that would show up on the registry.

a mi manera = “my way” [can be used with other possessives] ej: lo hice a mi manera = I did it my way

a flor de piel = lit. “(as if) flower’s skin” This expression is used in the sense of “very noticeable” or “on the surface”. It would be how you’d translate something like… tener los sentimientos a flor de piel “to be very sensitive” or “to wear one’s heart on one’s sleeve”. You’d also see a flor de piel to be like “running high” or “in the air”, in the sense of something is easily perceived.

a toda costa = at all cost a cualquier precio = no matter the price

a ciegas = blindly, stumbling, without knowing, in the dark

a oscuras = in the dark

a espaldas (de alguien) = behind someone’s back e.g. hablar a espaldas de alguien = to talk behind someone’s back

a solas = one-on-one, in private This is said of two people alone most often. ej: Quiero hablar contigo a solas. = I want to talk to you in private. / I want to talk to you one-on-one

mano a mano = hand-to-hand

cuerpo a cuerpo = melee [fighting style; las armas de cuerpo a cuerpo would be “melee weapons” etc]

a consecuencia de = due to [sometimes you see por consiguiente or como resultado as synonyms, “therefore” and “as a result”]

al lado de alguien = on someone’s side [can be literally “beside” in the sense of direction, or it could be something like te necesito a mi lado “I need you on my side” or “I need you in my corner” in the sense of support]

a corto plazo = short-term a largo plazo = long-term

a domicilio = delivery e.g. clases a domicilio “home schooling”, comida a domicilio “take-out food”, entrega a domicilio “delivered to your house”, médico/a a domicilio “a doctor who makes house calls”

al aire libre = in the open air / open-air al fresco = outside

afuera = (going) outside / out

a fin de = for the purposes of, in order to

a diferencia de (algo/alguien) = unlike ej: a diferencia de tu hermana, eres… = unlike your sister, you’re…

a distancia = from a distance, at a distance

al cabo = to the end / finishing, in summation

a secas = only, just [in some contexts a secas means “in a blunt way” or “without mincing words”]

a estas alturas = at this point, at this juncture ej: A estas alturas, no tenemos otra opción. = At this point we have no other choice.

a duras penas = hardly, barely apenas = hardly, barely

a escondidas = in secret

a tientas = fumbling, going by feel or touch

a diestro y siniestro = all over the place [lit. “to the right and left” where diestro/a “able/dexterous” is the old word for “right” derecho/a, and siniestro/a “sinister” is the old word for “left” izquierdo/a]

a la deriva = adrift, drifting

a gatas = on all fours

a cuestas = on someone’s back / piggyback

al principio, al inicio = at the beginning al final, al fin = at the end

a medias = halfway, partway / half-assed [in context this means “done halfway”, or in an accusatory way it’s saying that someone “half-assed” something so it depends on proper context... you can see no hace las cosas a medias as in “he/she doesn’t do things halfway” meaning “he/she gives their all”]

(mantener algo/alguien) a raya = (to keep something/someone) in line, at bay

a la fuerza = by force

a menos que = unless [this takes subjunctive]

a menudo = often

a partir de = starting from ej: a partir de hoy… = from today on(wards)…

a propósito = on purpose, deliberately adrede = on purpose [sort of the same, just a little more accusatory]

a la larga = “in the long run”

a la ligera = “lightly” e.g. tomar(se) algo a la ligera = to take something lightly

a mano = by hand, manually / on hand, nearby

a lo mejor = maybe, perhaps

a medida = tailored, custom-made

a pesar de (que) = despite, in spite of [takes subjunctive]

a punto de = just about to, at the point of e.g. estar a punto de explotar = to be just about to explode estar a punto de hervir = to be about to boil

a tiempo = on time

a posteriori = in hindsight

aprisa, a prisa = hurrying [as a command you can say it like “hurry up”, same with deprisa or you might see it as a command like date prisa where darse prisa is “to hurry”] a toda prisa = as fast as possible, as fast as you can

a primera vista = at first sight

a raudales = in abundance, overflowing [not super common but you never know; more common is estar repleto/a de or estar lleno/a de or using a verb like rebosar]

a primera hora = first thing in the morning, “bright and early”

a plena luz de día = in broad daylight

a cuadros = checkered, gingham [pattern]

a lunares = polka dot [pattern]

a rayas = striped [pattern]

a rombos / de rombos = argyle / diamond-shape pattern

Your clothing you might see a or de used here, but it works like this… quiero una camisa a rayas “I want a striped shirt” or quiero una camisa a lunares “I want a polka dot shirt”. You do see sometimes that it’s de but saying un traje a rayas or una traje de rayas (finas) for “a pinstripe suit” is pretty similar.

Important note: a is used a lot in culinary things the same way you’d see it with French or Italian, where it means “done in the style of”. In that case, it’s hard to translate it very literally.

Common examples:

gambas al ajillo = “shrimp/prawns in garlic and olive oil”

pulpo a la gallega = “Galician-style octopus”

calamar a la romana = “Roman-style squid”

al horno = “oven-baked” [in Italian al forno]

a la carta = a la carte [French]

al pastor = “shepherd-style”

a la rusa = “Russian-style” [usually “stroganoff”]

papas/patatas a la alemana = “German-style potatoes” / German potato salad

In some cases it’s not just food. For example the expression despedirse a la francesa which is literally “saying goodbye the French way” means “to leave without telling anyone you’re going”

Or, you might see something called el servicio a la rusa which is “Russian-style service” or el servicio a la inglesa “English-style service” which refer to a fancier kind of dinner service where an attendant or server will cut portions for you and serve you that way instead of you helping yourself.

Some might require more explanation like... a la amazona which is “side-saddle”. Literally, this is “in Amazon-style”. But, la amazona is also a female rider / “horsewoman”, being the female equivalent of el jinete “horseman”. In that sense, a la amazona means “as a horsewoman does” aka “side-saddle”, because women used to montar a la amazona “to ride side-saddle” 

[nonsenseandfairytales]

i wrote this like a month ago on google docs while cramming for my exam, and i needed to get rid of it. but i don’t know, i didn’t want to delete it. i’m pretty bad at permanently getting rid of stuff. i guess i’ll just leave it here. 

----------------------------------------------------------

“I need immediate help”, I thought to myself, as I looked down at the fresh imprints in my skin, an image which has been absent for so long. The stark reminder that everything was not okay. That someone needed to help me. I felt the decline, the darkness, surrounding me slowly. What was I to do? It would be weeks before my next appointment. I couldn’t ask to see her, it simply wouldn’t be okay. There’s no way I could talk to Fiona about this. Not after everything I’d already put her through today.

A stinging sensation forced me to look downwards, towards the cuts. They’d set in now, turned white, a harsh reminder of what was happening to me. I opened messenger. “Are you okay?”, I asked her. “Yeah, why?”, she replied quickly. How? I felt that disgusting feeling rising in my stomach. How could anyone be okay with what was happening here? Is it even human? The twisting, black, sickly sensation in my stomach rose to my chest, making it hard for me to breathe. I think for a brief moment about the black figure that haunts me when I feel this way. Turn, to make sure he isn’t there. He never is, of course. Sitting outside of my field of view, only choosing to make an appearance when everything has really gone to shit. That’s how I know it’s bad. Not the cutting, not the suicidal thoughts, him. When I really can’t escape what’s happening in my own head, that’s when it’s bad.

I close messenger, and look down towards my notebook. I’ve been on the same topic for hours, unable to make any headway. I don’t know why this had to happen now, right in the middle of exams. It’s made my usual dissatisfaction towards study hundreds of times worse. Despite starting much earlier than normal, I’m still not finished. Time’s running out. I can’t think right now though. I catch myself glancing at my arm again. I feel guilty, but glad. I don’t know why. As much as I resent myself for what I did, I can’t help but feel it’s normal. There’s that part of me that know’s it isn’t, but right now he’s nowhere to be found. Maybe that’s my problem. I don’t know how to reconnect with the positive part of myself. Then again, I don’t think anyone would be able to if they were in my shoes.

I think back to earlier today, and flinch. Maybe I don’t need to go there right now. Maybe that’s something that I should leave alone. But I need to think about it. I need to reflect. People say that’s supposed to make you feel better, but it just makes me sad. I can’t leave it alone either though, because if I do that, it will come back when I really don’t want it to and that could very well be the thing that does me in. I pause for a second. Catch my fingernails in my mouth, and pull them out. I take a deep breath and sit back, preparing myself to face the emotions. The dog that I’d decided I’d take care of in order to try and distract myself from this mess had killed both of my sister’s guinea pigs. I’d taken full responsibility, and everything had gone downhill. My parents told me that they were disappointed in me. My sister said she hated me. My friend said I was an idiot. I felt guilty, disgusted, shocked, angry. Scared. I’d returned the dog to my granddad, not saying a word about what had happened, and I’d gone to sit in the car. I’d seen the bus coming down the road, and I’d opened the door, and-

Okay, maybe it didn’t go that far. At all. That’s how it played out, at least. I wondered if anyone could possibly understand what went through my head, how all the thoughts I had were twisted and reshaped into whatever the worst was. In reality, Fina had calmed me down, and I’d returned home, where, much to my surprise, my sister sounded like she couldn’t care less, and my parents had been completely understanding. Much too understanding. It was jarring. Hopeful, even. It was then I’d wondered how things had gone from being positive to now being… disgusting. I look down at my arm, now with a sense of regret. I still don’t know how to feel though. Empty. I turn back to my computer, and resume reading through the lectures.

“Great”, I think to myself. The topic for this hour is Death, Dying, and Bereavement. Somehow everything’s been bad, from the timing of the events, to me being required to study things that I’m just not in the headspace to study. It’s just more lists, of course. I flick back to messenger, and stare at her reply. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand why this happened. How can someone just throw away seven years of their life? But then again, I suppose I want to throw away twenty years of mine. That makes us even, right? My stomach lurches as I think about Saturday. She’ll be dropping off my things. That makes it over, for real. I don’t know how long I’ll leave her stuff on the wall. I don’t know if I could bring myself to put all the stuff away. That makes it over, for real.

Ding. She’s messaging. “You seem good”, I say.

“What do you mean?”

“I’m still declining, but you make me feel like I should try harder.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’m just being weird. I don’t think I should keep coming to you about all this stuff. It’ll make you worry, and I don’t want that.”

“But I want to know.”

“Besides, we aren’t supposed to be getting involved with each other as much.”

“Oh. Okay.”

That one stung a little. I guess I should stop just trying to get her to ask after me right? But it feels so good to feel wanted.

“I really want to talk to you but I have to do this for you, right?”

“Talk to me about what?”

How I’m really not coping with this and I desperately need you, I need you with me here, to hold me and tell me it will be okay. Yeah, I wish. 

“Everything.”

“???”

“It’s okay.”

“:((“

I feel like this is pretty much all of our conversations now. Me trying to get as much emotional feeling I can out of them, and her, doing what I feel is like pretending to care about me. I don’t really know how she feels about me anymore. She says she loves me, but if there’s one thing I don’t get, it’s that. I really need to finish off these lectures, but now that I have her attention, I don’t want to lose it. Any time the conversation dies, I put effort into starting it up again. Asking her about anything I can remember. I feel so desperate. So depraved, like a dog begging for food. But every time I get a response, my heart races for a second. It’s this feeling that I’m craving. This feeling I can’t seem to get from anybody else. Is it happiness? Couldn’t be. How could I ever get that feeling back.

I close the messenger and then get back to work, with the occasional stinging setting in as I write. Stupid. I’m almost regretting what I did, and as I look down at my arm, I’m glad that the knife wasn’t particularly sharp. Maybe the scars won’t show for too long. After all, I’ve got to maintain some semblance of sanity. I look down at my slides with a deep sigh, unhappy with my progress. At least the stress is starting to keep me distracted from what’s happening. Keeping my mind off of the sadness. The despair. The longing. I look to my right, and notice a puddle on my bed. Crap. Upon inspection, I determine that the puddle is most certainly cat piss, and that I probably need to stop keeping a candle lit, given I didn’t smell it less than a metre to my right. I get to cleaning, and decide that I’m probably done with study for the night, so I shut off my computer. After giving it a thorough clean, I grab my blankets and head to the couch. I don’t sleep much. I think.

The next day, I get to cleaning my sheets and starting to cram. Less than 24 hours to my exam, and I’ve yet to cover all of the content. I suppose this is how it alway is with me though. The stress sets in, and I forget pretty much everything else except my exam. It feels good, almost. At the very least, I’m completely distracted from what’s happening to me. There’s no twisting feeling in my stomach, no overbearing feeling of distress, misery, depression. Just stress.

Two days pass. I sit my exam, and feel pretty good about it. Then the emotions set in. The exam had been a pretty good distraction from what was happening to me, and now it was gone. And the misery was back. Almost straight after I walk out of the room, my stomach lurches. Who will I tell? Who do I talk to? The loneliness is the hardest part. Most people don’t know what it’s like, but having someone to message about whatever you want, pretty much whenever you want, is a pretty good feeling. Knowing that someone, somewhere, cares about what you have to say. What you have to think. Now all that is over. I walk over to my motorbike and start it up. I don’t have a plan for the rest of the day. In theory, I get home, nap, and don’t wake up. Preferably ever. But of course, we can’t just snuff out like that. I head back to my house, and decide to bake the lasagne I’d bought. Lasagne always makes you feel better, right? Recently it’d been hard to feel good about anything though, even pasta. I grumble at the long cooking time and resign myself to my room after setting it into the oven. I hop onto the VoIP server, and am greeted by a couple of friends in the middle of a game. “How was the exam?”

“As good as I could expect, after last night’s cramming session.”

Talking to these people doesn’t feel satisfying. Not like it does talking to her