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mariaofdoranelle · 1 year

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Look at Us Now - ch. 14

Fic masterlist

Am I posting this at 4 a.m. because I left my fic half-ready and wasted hours commenting “chop chop movie boy” on TikTok? Yes, yes I am. Tomorrow (today?) is a holiday in my state so I’m fine loll

Hope you like this!

Warnings: language, postpartum depression, panic attack

Words: 6,2k

Throughout her entire pregnancy, Aelin promised herself she’d never be the type of new mom who doesn’t shower every day.

How wrong she was.

They had an appointment at the doctor in an hour and Maisie was currently on the other side of the shower’s glass door, screaming bloody murder from her baby swing as Aelin rinsed off her body as fast as she could, feeling her breasts leak because of the crying baby while her ribcage got tighter each second.

She wrapped the towel around her body while kneeling to grab her crying baby. Except that Maisie didn’t stop crying.

“Are you hungry, Mais?” Aelin felt silly sometimes when talking to her newborn, but most days her six-weeks-old baby was the only person willing to listen to her.

She didn’t bother taking her towel off before sitting to nurse her loud baby. She could barely think when Maisie was screeching like she had adult-sized lungs, let alone pick an outfit.

When the baby latched and the room got silent, Aelin felt like she could finally breathe. “You like that, huh?” She watched Maisie’s wide green eyes on her, an overwhelming feeling of emptiness taking over her. “I think your dad forgot to prep my lunch this morning, but that’s alright, because there was frozen pizza in the freezer.” Aelin gasped in the end, always keeping her tone dramatic to grab Maisie’s attention. “You can’t eat pizza yet, Mais, but you’ll love it. I hope your milk comes in pizza flavor after my lunch. You won’t know what hit you.”

After nursing and burping the baby, Aelin was well aware she had less than thirty minutes to get to the doctor. Which was why she cursed under her breath while noticing the soap around her calves she forgot to rinse off.

Aelin straightened her shoulders. No biggie. It was just some soap.

She left Maisie on her bassinet and ran to the bathroom. Wincing, she held her ankle and placed it on the sink. Not the safest option, but definitely the fastest. She opened the faucet, spreading the running water on her leg, when Maisie’s tiny wail—for now—remembered her there was no such thing as ‘just a minute’ when you’re a newborn’s mom. She leaned away just a bit, her feet still on the sink while the other supported her body, neck stretching so she could take a peek through the open door—

Aelin lost her balance, falling on her ass in the middle of her suite’s bathroom.

She winced on the floor, her hip aching from the tumble. She flexed her hands, reddened from breaking the fall, and got up. Her walk was stiff, but still enough for her to hobble towards her crying baby.

“Hey, Mais,” Aelin soothed while getting the bags they needed for their trip to the doctor—how long did they have? She opened the bedroom door—

The smell of something burnt hit her senses.

No, no, no.

She dropped their bags on the floor and ran to the kitchen, turning off the oven before she could reach a cloth to open it.

Her flat rock still resembled a pizza, but it was far from edible.

The smell must’ve gotten worse after she emptied the oven, because one moment Aelin was staring slack-jawed at her burnt lunch, and the next her baby was retching over her shoulder, smearing Aelin’s back and hair with vomit.

Her breath caught as she processed what just happened, the back of her eyes prickling while she felt a heaviness—

It was okay. She slowly sank down to the floor, never letting her baby go. Her heart was beating out of her chest, and she didn’t know if the soothing sounds she was making were for Maisie or for herself.

She barely had time to shower twice a week, let alone twice a day.

Tears streamed down Aelin’s face, but she swallowed down the sob that was begging to break free. Instead, she clutched Maisie to her chest and breathed in.

It wasn’t the first time she got covered in baby vomit, nor would it be the last.

Breathe out.

She could do this.

Breathe in.

With shaky hands, she took her dirty shirt off.

Breathe out.

Aelin’s stomach churned, and she felt like she might throw up herself. But the kitchen cloth was still near her, so she swallowed her feelings down and used it to wipe the vomit off her hair.

Breathe in.

From the kitchen floor, it felt like the cabinet and counter were closing in on her.

Breathe out.

She would not have a meltdown in front of her baby.

Aelin took her phone, fingers trembling as she dialed the only number she could think of.

“Aelin! I wasn’t expecting to hear from you now. Is everything alright, dear?”

“Philippa.” Aelin’s voice was wobbly, but the older woman’s warm tone was enough to make a small part of her body loosen up. “Do you have any leftovers I can eat now?”

“There’s lasagna in the fridge, and…” A pause. “Honey, it’s mid-afternoon. When was the last time you ate?”

“Lasagna sounds perfect.” Aelin’s voice cracked in the end. “When can I pick it up?”

“Um.” The background noise was pretty indistinct, with the exception of a door closing. “Why don’t I hand it to you instead? I could also see what I can do with that empty fridge of yours.”

“Thanks,” Aelin said before ending the call. Still seated on the floor, she leaned against the cabinet, her head drooping against it.

Aelin didn’t remember a lot about her parents, but she remembered how they always looked like this strong, unbreakable unit, ready to catch her fall. She could deal with the exhaustion and constantly feeling like she’s on the verge of breaking down. The thing that was hard to grasp was how powerless she felt. Worthless.

“I’m so sorry, baby.” Aelin’s chin quivered while she stroked Maisie’s cheek with her thumb. “You deserve so much better than this.”

Me was the word Aelin couldn’t say, but never left her mind. Maisie deserved so much better than a mom who never got things right and was sad all the time.

She was feeling so much and at the same time nothing at all, as if she was a hollowed out tree about to break down. Too much to carry, not enough strength. Aelin clutched her daughter against her chest and let that sob break free, its force enough to shake her from the inside out, from her straining heart to her quaking shoulders.

Taking a moment to breathe, Aelin was finally calming herself down. She could weep and feel the pain, but she would not collapse. Not with Maisie. Aelin was doing this for her, with her.

And that’s how Philippa found her, perched on the floor and holding her baby like she was her lifeline.

“Come on, honey, get up,” the soft, familiar voice came from near her, its source kneeling beside her and gently reaching for her shoulder.

“Shh.” Philippa kissed the crown of Aelin’s head, then winced at the smell of vomit. “We need lasagna, a new shirt, baby wipes for the hair. What else?”

“I have a hair tie in my bag, I think that’s all.” Aelin slowly got up, her hip still sore from when she fell in the bathroom. “I have an appointment at four, Rowan will be here any time now.”

”Honey, it’s ten past four.”

“No, it’s not.”

Aelin froze. Her heart had barely rested, it was already going a mile a minute again. She ran past Philippa, put on the first shirt and shoes she saw—Rowan’s White Hawks jersey and those damned Crocs—and grabbed her car keys. Knowing how the Air Force hospital worked, if she missed this appointment, her next one would be only when Maisie was eighteen.

“Wait!” Philippa shouted, running her way. “I’ll drive.”

Aelin’s shoulders dropped when she saw the baby wipes and lunchbox on the woman’s hand and realized her intentions. “You’re an angel.”

Before fastening Maisie to her car seat, Aelin looked straight into the little girl’s eye and said, “Don’t poop.”

She rushed to the passenger seat and was cleaning her hair as much as she could with the baby wipes before Philippa could even get out of the garage.

”Where’s Rowan?” the older woman asked.

“He was supposed to go to the appointment with me, I think he got stuck at work.”

It was unusual of him to miss something like this. Aelin didn’t know what to think, and she didn’t have much space in her mind for that right now.

With a tight jaw, Philippa hummed, and her tone revealed everything she was thinking. Aelin couldn’t blame the woman, but she didn’t agree either. This was just one mistake, Rowan was incredible with Maisie. And about him with Aelin… she wasn’t sure where she fit into his life, and sometimes she didn’t want to know.

They hadn’t been the same, and that was predictable. There was no reason to be sad. Rowan was all loving and attentive towards her because his baby was inside her. Now that she wasn’t carrying Maisie anymore, they were the platonic co-parents they agreed to be. Aelin’s throat was as thick as her chest was heavy every time she thought about this. She couldn’t blame him. If roles were reversed, she wouldn’t get anywhere near herself either.

Satisfied with her work on her hair, she tied it into a bun and opened the lunchbox. Aelin swallowed down all the lasagna she could before Philippa parked at the hospital, which was five minutes away from her home.

“I’ll go back to your place and see what I can do in that kitchen, okay? Call me if you need me to pick you up.”

She wrapped her arms around Philippa, hugging her with all the strength she could muster right now. “Thank you.”

On her way to the office, she managed to avoid co-workers seeing her in that disheveled state and texted Rowan.

Aelin: hey

Aelin: i’m at the hospital already

Aelin: what happened?

No response.

”Dr. Galathynius!” The sergeant responsible for Sorscha’s schedule sighed in relief. “I was about to send another patient in.”

She hurried inside the office, only relaxing when her doctor started the examination. Aelin still wasn’t used to seeing her co-workers checking her vagina and everything postpartum-related, but the Air Force’s healthcare was good enough to make her put up with it.

Her pelvic floor seemed okay, though. So did her posture—something Aelin took particular pride in, being an orthopedist. Her abdominal muscles weren’t as good, but that was easy to deal with.

“You lost more weight than I expected.” Sorscha frowned. “How’s your appetite since giving birth?”

“I don’t have much of an appetite anymore, but I still feel hungry when I should.”

The doctor’s attention was fully on Aelin now. “And how have you been feeling emotionally?”

“Good. Just a little tired,” she lied. Medical confidentiality vow or not, Aelin knew how stigma worked. She knew better than to tell a coworker that one of the hospital’s top surgeons was mentally ill.

Besides, Aelin was a doctor herself, she knew how this went. Major Depressive Disorder. In remission and off antidepressants for two years. Relapsed with postpartum depression after childbirth. The words were buzzing around her head like an annoying fly, but they wouldn’t leave, no matter how much she swatted them away.

Maybe it was time to un-ghost her psychiatrist.

When she left the office, Aelin had her purse and a giant diaper bag under her arms, plus Maisie strapped to a baby sling on her chest, but she still walked past a dejected-looking Rowan on her way out. He got up in a heartbeat and hurried to match her steps.

“I’m sorry.”

He held out a hand, but she didn’t give him the diaper bag.

“I know you are,” Aelin said in a carefully neutral tone.

“Can you at least give me the bags?”

She ignored Rowan’s request and stormed off in front of him.

His car was right by the exit, and as stubborn as she was, Aelin wasn’t going to disturb Philippa further and ask the woman to pick her up as she suggested.

Aelin wasn’t in the right mind to decide if her reaction was proportional or not to what Rowan did, but given the emotional distress she was already in, it probably wasn’t.

Rowan’s thoughts on how rational Aelin was being was the least of her concerns today.

“One of the majors called me for a last-minute meeting. I tried to be quick.”

But I couldn’t leave because they outrank me were the words he didn’t say.

“I can still be mad about it, your fault or not.”

“I’m so—“

“Stop it, Rowan.”

He darted a glance at her, and something about her face made him stay silent for the rest of the drive.

At home, Rowan dropped her bags by the door—she had calmed down enough to let him carry them this time—and her shoulders relaxed considerably when sat on the couch and took Maisie off the sling.

“Oh, that doesn’t smell good.” Aelin cooed, smiling at the baby and tickling her little belly.

“I’ve got her.” Rowan held Maisie up with a small smile, not even sparing Aelin a glance. “You can take a shower in the meantime.”

She grimaced, her face hotter by the second. Way to go, Aelin. Was she still smelling like vomit?

“Not like that!” He blurted. “I know you’re struggling to take showers—“

“Good to know it’s that obvious,” Aelin scoffed, getting up from the couch.

”I’m sorry—“

“I know you are, stop telling me that!” Her voice came out higher than intended while she left for the kitchen.

Rowan finally got home and was assured that Aelin managed to not kill his baby. It’s not like he needed her for the rest of the day.

The kitchen was a lot cleaner than before, and there was a note attached to the fridge.

I made you chicken, chickpea salad and chocolate cake, but I’d suggest you to save it for tomorrow’s lunch. Make sure your baby daddy doesn’t forget to make dinner as well.

Love,

Philippa.

P.S: Please call me if you need anything. Your uncle’s gay ass can take of himself.

Aelin leaned against the counter, her body filling with warmth. God, she loved Philippa. And as much as she appreciated the woman’s kindness, her job was to help Orlon and Darrow at home, not Aelin.

Still, it was really nice to have some time to breathe during the day, not only in the few hours when Rowan got back from work.

“What’s that?” He stopped in front of the fridge, frowning as he read Philippa’s note. “I didn’t forget to make your lunch.”

Rowan scratched his jaw and opened the fridge. Aelin drew out a long, tired breath. She wouldn’t even bother enlightening him, he’d soon realize what happened and—

”Aelin, I’m so sorry.”

She rested her head in both hands and dragged them through her hair. There wasn’t a bone in her body that didn’t feel heavy, and her eyelids were the heaviest sometimes. She was so fucking tired.

Aelin crossed her arms. “You fucked up. I fucked up twice as much today. Can you please stop apologizing?”

He took her fingers with the tips of his, fiddling with them. “I was taking care of some things for Maisie so you could sleep more and forgot to make food.”

Aelin nodded, something inside her loosening an inch. When he put it that way, it didn’t sound half as bad.

“Well…” Aelin trailed, knowing she needed to thread carefully with this. “since we’re both so tired, maybe we could get an extra set of hands.��

“Like a nanny?”

She shrugged. “Could be, yes.”

Rowan frowned, crossing his arms. “I don’t know how I feel about this.”

“I can pay for it by myself,” Aelin explained in a calm, firm tone. “I just need to see if you’re okay with it.”

“Aelin, I—“ His mouth opened and closed. “I’m not. It’s a stranger. Do we know anything about them? Do we know how they’d handle Maisie?”

Her eyebrows went up. “You wanna know what happens every second of Maisie’s life?”

“No, but how am I supposed to trust her with someone else before she can tell me if something bad happened?”

“Rowan, I’m going back to work!” Aelin yelled, then stopped when she registered his shellshocked face, in need to rephrase it. “My maternity leave is only so long. We’ll need to trust people sooner or later. And I’ll still be with Maisie the whole day for now. It’s just additional help.”

“Okay, this sounds better.” Rowan looked down, his lips and brows drawn together. Then he shook his head and said, “I still don’t get what’s going on. Every day I come home and you tell me everything went fine, but today we need a sitter all of a sudden.”

“I’m alone in this house with a newborn baby, that’s what’s going on!” Aelin yelled, her chest tighter each word. “You wouldn’t know that because I’m your extra pair of hands when you’re with her, but what about me?”

“You want to trade places? I’d do it id I could.” Rowan let out a scornful laugh, his expression sour with that tight jaw. “You think I wouldn’t love to be paid to take care of Maisie every day? You think I’d rather bark orders at the new recruits instead of staying in with you two? You’re living the dream, Aelin, and you have no idea how lucky you are.”

Very lucky indeed.

She took a step back, feeling dizzy all of a sudden as his words sank in. Caring for a baby is hard, Aelin always knew that. She wasn’t really sure about getting extra help, hence why she started a conversation instead of voicing a demand, but did he mean that? Was she ungrateful for asking for help?

“I didn’t mean to snap at you.” He rubbed his hand against his face. “I’m sorry.”

She closed her eyes, her hands balled into fists. “For the last time, Rowan, stop saying that.”

“But I’m—“

“No, you’re right.” Aelin gave him a taut, sardonic smile. “I’m living the dream.”

˜˜

On her first day at the Whitethorn’s beach house, Aelin woke up with a brutal kick from her sweet baby. The little girl was taking way more space on the bed than she should, leaving Rowan’s hulky figure squeezed in the corner, and Aelin wondered how could Maisie toss and turn so much and sleep like the dead at the same time.

Aelin sat on the bed and opened the bedside table’s drawer, taking out the pill organizer she left there the night before. Of all the ways she came up with to take her morning meds unnoticed, none of them involved sharing a bedroom.

Peeking back at the bed, Maisie and Rowan were still sound asleep, and Aelin wouldn’t dare waking up the family’s monarch and her tired Groom of the Stool. She turned back and twisted off her bottle’s cap—

“What’s that?”

Aelin jerked and clutched her water bottle to her chest on reflex, highly aware of her wild heartbeat. Rowan’s husky morning voice would normally make her melt, but these two words held a cold grip around her core, making her breath and body freeze.

From the other end of the bed, Rowan’s half-lidded eyes never left her pill organizer. “What’s that?”

“Headache,” she blurted, then cleared her throat. “they’re headache tablets.”

“Oh. Go on.” Rowan blinked, not fully awake yet, and relaxed back on the bed. “You better be feeling good if you want to keep up with the little terrors.”

Aelin plastered a smile, her chest heavy with the lie, and quickly took her antidepressant.

She’d tell him. But not after being “caught” or with Maisie asleep between them.

Rowan got up, accidentally waking up Maisie, who was clutching him like a koala.

“No,” the little girl protested, draping an arm across her dad’s torso as an attempt to keep him in bed.

“Come on, Mais.” He kissed his daughter’s forehead and gently disentangled her from him. “Time to wake up. Enjoy the day.”

Maisie frowned. “What about my time in bed?”

Aelin laid back in back and spooned the little girl. “Honey, you just spent hours in bed.”

“Yeah, but I don’t remember that!”

Rowan chuckled and relented, laying again so they could all share one big family cuddle, but not without saying, “We’ll have to go downstairs to eat at some point.”

Maisie shushed her dad. “Our bellies will know when it’s time.”

˜˜

When Rowan’s mom proposed a relaxing trip, what Aelin pictured was very close to the real thing. They decided to stay in today because the beach would be too crowded, but she was currently lying on a pool chair, getting a tan next to Sellene while nibbling some grilled snacks and watching the kids play. Perfect vacation activity. However, she was unsure of how relaxing Rowan was finding this.

The thing is, Rowan only had two modes as a dad: granting Maisie’s every wish, or completely inflexible, safety-freak dadzilla.

He rightfully insisted that Maisie’s swimwear should be only on bright, neon colors so they wouldn’t lose sight of her in the pool. However, Aelin could barely see the cute one piece she picked for their daughter under the rash guard, arm floaties and life jacket Rowan made her wear.

Aelin shouldn’t find his heightened concern endearing, but it was kinda cute to see Maisie under so many layers. It was like Aelin birthed a Michelin Man.

For now, she was letting him be. God, Doranelle was so hot today it made her shiver. Even Rowan was visibly struggling with it, with his tanned collarbones and pecs glistening with sweat.

He was holding his phone on the edge of the pool—not reading or scrolling, because he was watching the kids play, scanning their every move like a hawk. With the sun hitting him sideways, partially illuminating his face and the ridges of his abs, he looked like a piece of art. She licked her lips. Hot dilf trying to keep untamable kids alive, the museum label would say. But Aelin’s vision of him was so breakable she was afraid this scorching weather would melt it. Or maybe she was the one melting.

”You’re such a great friend.”

Aelin startled, her breath catching, but she quickly recomposed herself and gave Sellene a close-lipped smile. For a moment, she forgot the woman was getting a tan in the pool chair next to hers.

“Thanks, Sel. You too.”

Her eyes quickly found Rowan’s abs again—

Sellene cleared her throat.

Aelin squinted at her friend. “You’re being weird today.”

Rowan’s cousin snorted. “The usual girl code says you can’t try anything with your friend’s family member.” Sellene waved her hand at Rowan’s general direction. “But you clearly have the hots for my cousin, so I’m letting you off the hook.”

Aelin threw her head back and cackled. “Thank you, Sellene, for making such sacrifices. But I don’t need the reminder of how attracted to your cousin I am.” She put her sunglasses on. “I don’t know what gave me away. Was it when he knocked me up?”

“I was actually talking about your gross ogling, but your baby is good evidence too.”

Aelin gaped, and it took her a good few seconds to regain her jaw movements. “It wasn’t that obvious.”

Rowan’s cousin chuckled and went to the other side of the pool area, where he was with the kids. Aelin followed suit.

“I’m done tanning, let me stay with them.” Sellene placed both hands on her hips. “It’s time for these kids to have some fun.”

Rowan frowned. “I’m fun.”

“You’re watching them like they’re prisoners.”

”Pools are dangerous. Keeping everything under control is more effective if I stay outside and don’t engage.”

Aelin snorted. That sounded a lot like what happens in a prison yard.

“Let’s play Marco Polo!” Sellene shouted, dragging the last word while cannonballing into the pool.

“Seriously?” Rowan yelled when his cousin emerged. “Is that how you’re keeping an eye on them? With your eyes closed?”

“Daddy, you’re boring!”

Aelin squeezed Rowan’s shoulder. “I can watch them with Sel.”

“No!” Sellene blurted, then held a finger up and turned around. “ENDA!” She called her cousin, who was sitting near the grill with his husband, Ellys and Rowan’s parents. “Get your… butt over here.”

The younger married couple moved closer to the pool and agreed to keep an eye at the kids, and the other ones said they’d sit closer when the snacks were fully grilled.

“The little terrors are outnumbered.” Sellene gave her cousin a pointed look. “Happy now?”

He squinted his eyes at her. “Call me if you need anything.”

Before he could rethink his decision, Aelin took him by the arm. But before they could get to where she wanted, she grabbed his shirt from a chair’s backrest and silently extended her arm.

“What?”

Aelin wiggled the shirt his way. “Pool time’s over. You can get dressed now.”

If Rowan had any thoughts about her demanding he puts a shirt on while not wearing one, just her swimsuit, he didn’t say. He snorted and shook his head, but complied.

In an area close enough to the pool, on the side of the house, there was a small garden with patio furniture and a pool table. However, Rowan lied on a white hammock that was tied in the pergola, under its climbing vines.

Aelin held a bit of the hammock and bumped him with her knee once he got settled. Rowan’s eyes widened, but he quickly concealed his surprised and moved sideways so she could join him.

She spooned him on the hammock, her every inch glued to his. “Hi.”

He brushed a wild strand of hair off her face and whispered, “Hi.”

Aelin tightened her grip on him and hid her face on his shoulder and collarbone, closing her eyes. Taking in the sound of the wind against the vines, especially how it soothed her heated skin. She loved how Rowan smelled like his pine soap and Maisie’s sunscreen and something intrinsically his, and how engulfed by it she felt now, tangled in his arms. Listening to his heartbeat, Aelin could only hope she had even a small influence on the pace of its beat.

She opened her eyes again with Rowan’s caresses on her hair. His eyes were soft, glowing, and he was wearing a small, silly smile that got less rare each day, but never enough to make her stop savoring it.

“I like your nose,” Aelin muttered while bumping it with her index finger.

“Thanks.” Rowan crossed his eyes, as if that would help him look at it. “It breathes alright.”

“What kind of response is that?” Aelin chuckled, because of course the only way Rowan would think about his nose was for its practical function.

“Sorry,” he shook his head, as if chastising himself for something. “You look cute with burnt cheeks.”

Aelin laughed, hiding her face on the curve of his shoulder. “I wasn’t fishing for a compliment, I was joking about your reply.”

“Oh, okay.” The tension on his body loosened. “I still stand by what I said.” A pause. “There’s this drawing on my wall where Maisie put you with two giant, bright red dots as the cheeks.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. I didn’t think you could actually look like that back then.”

Aelin gaped, feeling her face grow hot and likely worsening her situation. “Rude!”

“Not at all.” Rowan’s fond grin lit up his face. “You look lovely with a first-degree burn.” A pause charged enough to make him frown. “When was the last time you reapplied your sunscreen?”

Busted. She bit her bottom lip and gave him a coy look, making Rowan’s expression become fondly exasperated.

“I’ll be right back.”

Rowan was back in a matter of seconds, lying by her side with a tube of sunscreen on his hand.

“In my defense, I did apply it. At some point. I just forgot to do it again.”

He shook his head, but that poorly hidden close-lipped smile betrayed his display of disapproval. When Rowan lifted his hand, she grasped his wrist to look at the bottle of sunscreen he was holding.

Which was for kids, but not the super expensive one Aelin bought because of her dermatologist’s recommendation.

“Rowan…” she cautioned. He knew damn well what she was thinking.

He had the gall to duck his head. “Maisie didn’t like the sunscreen’s smell, so I got this one that smells like grapes.”

“You’re spoiling her rotten,” Aelin said in a playful tone.

Rowan grimaced. “I’m painfully aware of that.”

She relaxed back in the hammock, put a small amount of sunscreen on her finger and smelled it with her eyes closed. While she was feeling the synthetic aroma of grapes, Rowan swiftly grabbed her finger and smeared that drop of sunscreen on her nose.

Aelin squealed, surprise by the gentle attack, but closed her eyes and let him spread that amount. Rowan applied sunscreen on her face, his touch feather-light against her forehead, nose, cheeks. She just hoped he didn’t notice how her breath hitched when his thumb reached her chin—especially the patch of skin under her parted lips.

With her eyes closed, Aelin smiled. “This smells great. I kinda get the appeal now.”

Rowan hummed and leaned closer, his nose brushing against her cheek as he breathed her in. “Agreed.”

That motion alone sent Aelin’s nerves into a frenzy, making everywhere he touched tingle and sending that feeling down her spine. Her fingers were shaky, aching to meet him, so they found his upper arm like a magnet.

The second she touched him, Rowan tilted his head and kissed her jaw. All her thoughts vanished, and now Aelin knew nothing more than his weight against her pounding heartbeat, and her hand sliding to his neck.

Rowan trailed a couple of kisses down her apple cheeks, every movement a calculated conversation, each seeing how far they can go. Aelin’s blood was boiling under her skin, her stomach a fluttering mess with anticipation. It only got worse when he kissed the corner of her lips and froze over her.

Do it, her impatient fingertips informed the roots of his hair.

He tilted his face, his breath mingling with hers as he slowly lowered his lips to hers—

“UNCLE RO! AUNTIE—“

Aelin jerked upright, making both of them tumble over the hammock.

Aidan, Enda’s son, squinted his eyes at Aelin and Rowan, fallen on the grass. “You okay?”

Rowan frowned back at the boy. “Why are you here?”

“I don’t know, Grandpa told me to get you two.” The boy mentioned for them to follow him. “Come on.”

Aelin got up, her heartbeat still going a mile a minute with that scare, shook some grass off her leg and held Rowan’s wrist. As they walked back to the pool area, he slipped his hand so it could hold hers, intertwining their fingers.

They hurried their footsteps when Maisie was on their sight, the little girl being watched by lots of adults with pine-green eyes and silver hair.

”What’s going on?” Rowan asked as soon as he was within earshot.

Maisie had an angry pout on. “I asked Grandpa why his black shirt says pink, and now everyone’s being weird.”

Seriously? They got interrupted because of that? Aelin turned to Rowan, but he was frozen in place, blinking at Maisie. Probably as shocked and outraged as she was. So she explained, “It’s a band t-shirt, Mais. It’s not about the color, Pink Floyd is a group formed by those guys here…” she pointed at Owen’s shirt and—

Holy rutting Mala. A sudden cold rushed through Aelin’s body, her mouth falling open.

“Maisie,” Aelin’s hands gripped her daughter’s shoulders, maintaining firm eye contact. “honey, did you just read your grandpa’s shirt?”

“Not like that!” The little girl crossed her arms and explained in a matter-of-fact tone, “I thought Grandpa’s shirt was funny, so I put the letters together to know what it means.”

”Oh! Okay, then.” A warm, weepy laugh left Aelin’s mouth as she squeezed her daughter into a hug and smacked a kiss on her little cheek. “Well, I love it when you do that.”

Aelin’s mind couldn’t help but go back to that fateful day when Maisie’s teacher called them on a meeting to tell them Maisie couldn’t learn how to read because her parents fought too much. Well, a huge fuck you to that… teacher who was just doing her job. Aelin made a mental note to tell that progress to her therapist and focused back on Maisie, the smartest little girl on the planet.

She was so proud of her daughter she could cry, and Rowan looked like he felt the same, watching them with sparkly eyes and a small smile.

By the looks of it, they were doing a good job.

˜˜˜

“Come on!” Aelin shouted, slamming her cards against the table when she lost once again.

Ellys smirked at the deck he had just began to shuffle. “I expected better from you, Aelin.”

She squinted her eyes at the old man. He was just a quieter version of Sellene, because their unfunny remarks were just the same. Tired of having her ego being so blatantly bruised, she got up from that humiliation.

“Being a sore loser, huh,” Sellene said in a teasing tone.

Aelin raised her eyebrows and teased, “I have a daughter to look after.”

The snarky joke made her friend gape. “Rude!”

She squeezed Sellene’s shoulder and left. Truth was, Maisie was very safe and happy being watched by her grandparents, especially if she considered how far away they lived from each other. The person she was looking for now was Rowan.

Rowan, who she almost kissed earlier today. Aelin felt a rush through her body just to think of what almost happened, and that thrill only intensified when she considered what still could happen. Tonight, if she played her cards right.

“Mommy, where are you going so fast?”

Aelin stopped dead on her tracks. On her way to the second floor, she hadn’t even noticed Maisie, Bree and Rory in the living room.

Her mouth opened and closed before she regained her jaw movements, “I was looking for you, Mais!” Aelin walked their way and played with Maisie’s pigtails. “I thought you were with your dad,” she lied.

Maisie somberly shook her head. “Daddy’s sick.”

“He had a headache and went upstairs,” Rory said around a smile. Aelin nodded and took a step back, but the older woman added, “You don’t need to worry about Maisie, I’d watch her the whole week if you two would ever let me.”

Whenever Aelin thought she was used to Rory’s lack of subtlety, the woman struck again, making her cheeks heat one more.

Aelin plastered a polite thanks-for-offering-to-watch-the-kid-while-we-fuck-I’m-kinda-hoping-that-will-actually-happen smile. “That won’t be necessary, Rory. Thanks.”

She ascended the stairs one by one since Rowan’s mom could still see her, and only hurried her footsteps on their room’s hallway. When she opened the door, Rowan was sat on the end of the bed.

He blinked, raising his eyebrows as if he needed them that high to keep his eyes opened. Then he got up to greet her, but swayed on his way up.

“Whoa.” Aelin ran his way and made him sit back down. “What’s going on?”

Rowan rubbed his face, his posture slumped. “I have weirdness and a headache.”

Aelin tilted her head, thankful med school taught her how to translate incomprehensible things patients said. He looked groggy, and was probably dizzy, from the way he got up a minute ago. She’d fish for more information, but that was a good starting point.

”Okay,” she trailed, “did you take anything for the headache?”

“I took your migraine pill, but it didn’t do anything.”

Aelin froze, a sinking feeling in her stomach as her limbs went numb.

”You took my what?” Her voice was shaky, the last word high-pitched.

“Here.” Rowan opened the bedside table’s drawer and took her pill case while fighting his heavy eyelids. “Some of them were in a compartment with the sun drawing, but I took one from under the moon drawing because it’s evening.”

Aelin took the case from his hands, and it was really easy to spot the missing pill there.

“Did I take the wrong one?”

“Yes, but you‘ll be fine.” Aelin adjusted the pillows and mentioned for him to lie down. ”You just need to sleep it off now, okay? Don’t fight it.”

Rowan’s eyes closed when she combed his hair with her fingers, but he forced them open again. “I don’t get it.”

Aelin stroked the side of his face with her thumb, watching him fight his synthetic exhaustion with immeasurable tightness in her chest and throat.

“Rowan, you took my sleeping pill.”

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multifandomfanficss · 1 year

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More Than I’m Willing To Lose Part 2

Adrian Chase/Vigilante x Reader

Featuring platonic!11th Street Kids

Adrian Chase Masterlist

Part 1, Part 3, Part 4

Prompt: Adrian takes care of you after the incident. This is Part 2 for More Than I’m Willing To Lose.

Warnings: panic, meltdowns, hitting yourself and pulling your own hair during a meltdown, gun violence, hospitals, non-sexual nudity, non-sexual showering with another person, wound care, cannon typical Peacemaker violence and language

A/N: Hi guys! I meant to post this yesterday, but forgot. I’ve never been on a weekly posting schedule before. Super exciting! I hope you enjoy the chapter and the rest of the series! ❤️🧜‍♂️❤️

It wasn’t long before you were discharged from the hospital. Adrian had spent as much time with you as possible, occasionally stepping out for a short shift at Fennel Fields. The others took turns hanging out with you in the four hours a day he was gone. He had originally planned on taking time off, but you wouldn’t let him. You knew he needed the money and that it wasn’t healthy for him to spend all of his time awake or asleep in a hospital. He rationalized going to work by promising to take off time when you were discharged so he could help you get readjusted. Truth be told the nights he was gone for a couple hours were your favorite. It wasn’t that you didn’t miss him. It was the opposite actually, but despite missing him you were always excited when he brought you food after his shift. Italian food was your favorite and you were sick of hospital food.

On one particular afternoon you were missing Adrian a little more than usual.

“I know that look.” Adebayo laughed.

“What look?!” You asked.

“You miss Adrian.” She gives an exaggerated sigh.

“Do not!” You protest, but the deep red coming to your cheeks tells a different story. The tv was on and you had been channel surfing until you came upon a channel playing Fargo reruns. It was very obvious who you were thinking of.

“He’s a little interesting…but sweet.” She smiled. “I can understand why you like him.” She says after a short pause.

“I never said-“

“I could just tell. Harcourt and I have been talking about it over the past few days. We think he likes you too.” She cuts you off. You decide to sit silently on that information. Your mind drifts back to your first night in the hospital when you could have sworn you heard Adrian say he loved you. You were on some heavy pain meds and you were falling asleep, so you had forgotten about it until now and you weren’t sure it even happened. That’s going to be the only thing in your head for a while.

Not too long after that you hear a knock at the door. You look up to see Adrian half dressed in his uniform. His apron and hat are missing, but he’s still in his red shirt and black pants. He has a brown paper bag in his hand and the smell of Italian food is radiating from the hallway. Your face immediately lights up.

“I brought your favorite.” He smiles.

“And mozzarella sticks?” Adebayo asks.

“And mozzarella sticks.” He confirms. Leota pumps her fists in the air with excitement and you laugh.

“I missed the beginning of Fargo?” Adrian whines turning his head to the tv.

“Sit down. I’ll restart it. The hospital has direct tv.” You say, patting the bed. He settled into the bed next to you. With Adebayo in the chair, he really had no other place to sit, but neither of you minded. You had become like puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together since the night you arrived at the hospital. While Adrian’s eyes were glued to the tv, you couldn’t help, but notice Ad’s giving you a mischievous look.

In the next few days you were discharged. Adrian had the day off from Fennel Fields and Harcourt excused him from the team meeting, so he could help you. He would be helping you a lot after your discharge. You were currently sat in the passenger seat of his Sebring. Your arm was in a sling, but aside from that you were feeling a little bit of normalcy for the first time in forever with your window down and Adrian’s music coming from the speakers. The two of you were quietly singing along to the music as he drove along the familiar streets of your neighborhood. By the time he had gotten to your block you were done singing. You stared down the street at your apartment. You hadn’t noticed Adrian had stopped singing either until he grabbed your hand. You lightly jumped, a little startled by the sensation, but eased into the feeling of his warm hands.

“You’re shaking. Are you okay?” He asks hesitantly, pulling over in front of your building. You take a deep breath and give him a slow nod. He gives you a small smile, putting the car in park. “Look, I know I’m not always the best at knowing what people are thinking, but if any of this is too much for you, just let me know.” He says, trying to make eye contact with you. You can’t peel your eyes away from the place in front of your apartment where you were shot. The blood is gone. If you didn’t know better, if you were just passing by on the street, you would assume nothing had ever happened. You slowly nod again. “We can just sit here for a minute if that’s what you need?” Adrian asks hesitantly.

“I want to go inside.” You say quietly.

“Are you sure?” He asks.

“I want to go inside, but I can’t walk up the steps by myself.” You admit shyly.

“You don’t have to. I’m going to be with you every step of the way.” He assures you. He slowly gets out of the car and walks to the passenger door. He opens it for you and undoes your seatbelt. He then holds out his hand for you to take. “Whenever you’re ready.” He says, patiently. Every part of your body feels hyper sensitive, like all of your senses are on fire. You can feel the muscles flex in Adrian’s arm as he pulls you up. You can hear the blood rushing in your ears. Your legs feel wobbly as your feet slap against the hard concrete. As you approach the steps to your building you grip Adrian tighter. He pulls you protectively into his side. You think you can faintly hear him talking, but you can’t process what he’s saying. You are however aware of the sounds of the key scraping inside the lock as Adrian lets you into your apartment on the second floor. After Jack had stolen your keys, Harcourt and Economos had come by the replace the locks. You take one more step and you’re in your apartment. Once you’re inside you look at the posters of your favorite shows and movies and try to forget that Jack had even set foot in the space. This was your safe place and you would make it that way again. Harcourt had offered to get you a place in the building where she was living, but you refused. You didn’t want this asshole to take your home away from you. You would make it yours again.

As soon as you walked into your bedroom and carefully flopped onto your bed, you felt a rush of comfort splash over you; like waves rolling over your body at the beach on a hot summer day. Staring at the familiar ceiling brought you peace. You traced the stars and planets on your ceiling with your eyes. You hadn’t put them there and they had long since been painted over by someone, most likely your landlord, but they were your favorite part of your apartment. The plastic glow in the dark stars and planets covered by white paint had probably been there long before you moved in and they would be there long after.

It was nice to be in clothes you felt comfortable in again. The hospital gown was getting old and the feeling of your couch underneath your body felt so familiar and comforting. You were currently watching Little Shop of Horrors with Adrian and your apartment smelt of slightly burnt popcorn and butter because Adrian was trying to make sure every kernel popped and in the process burnt some of the earlier pieces to pop out of the batch. You were currently waiting for Chris to show up with the beer he promised to bring.

“I don’t understand how he fucked up this badly. He could have easily gotten away with that murder. He’s such a bad lier.” Adrian sighs.

“No offense, but you are like the worst lier I’ve ever met.” You laugh.

“I am not!” He argues.

“No, you are. I don’t know how you haven’t been caught yet.” You continue to laugh.

“I haven’t been caught because I’m the second best superhero in town!” He declares.

“Honey, you’re one of only two suited superheroes in town.” You blush, realizing you just called him honey.

“That we know of.” He says, lips tight in a pout, desperately reaching to win this argument. You open your mouth to respond when suddenly the power goes out. You feel yourself stop breathing. Adrian stands up and gets off the couch. You reach out in the darkness desperately trying to grab for him. He must barely see you because he leans into your grasp. He crouches down to your level, placing your hand on his face.

“I’m here. I’m just going to look outside. Just stay here, okay?” He says. You let out a soft whimper, unable to form words. “I’m not even going to leave the room. I’m just going to look out the window.” Adrian releases your hand, standing up again, walking towards the living room window that faces the front of your building. You find a little peace when his body is illuminated by the moonlight. You try to hold back tears and breathe evenly. Adrian quickly moves towards you as your eyes try to adjust to the darkness. He’s taking something out of the waste band of his jeans. He brings you to the corner of the room. You hear a click and you want to immediately retreat, but there’s nowhere to go. You start to hyperventilate.

“I need you to stay in the corner and shoot anyone who walks through that door that isn’t me.” Adrian says quickly.

“I-I can’t-“

“Yes, you can. You have to.” Adrian cuts you off.

“I don’t know how to use it.” You’re looking for any excuse to not take the gun.

“The safety is off and there’s plenty of bullets for if you miss the first time. Aim for the head or the-“

“Adrian, I can’t.” It was your turn to cut him off.

“Why not?” He asks. The two of your are speaking a mile a minute.

“I can’t do it. I can’t. I never want to see a gun again. Please don’t make me take that.” You beg him.

“I’m sorry, but you need to take this.” He says. Shoving the weapon in your hands.

“Please don’t leave me.” You beg through sobs that you started, but are unable to stop.

“I have to run downstairs for just a minute. I promise I’ll be right back, but I need you to promise you’ll stay in this corner and you’ll shoot anything that moves.” He pleads with you. You nod through your sobs. “I’ll be right back. I promise.” He says before running out the door.

You stand in the corner for what feels like the longest moment of your life. It feels like an hour although you’re sure it’s only been a few minutes. You hear gunshots outside and your heart stops. After a little while you start to hear footsteps coming up the stairs. You don’t recognize the heaviness of the boot and the foot pattern to be Adrian. You wait to be sure until a silhouette comes into the doorframe and it’s taller and wider than Adrian. With the lights still out, you’re able to attack the intruder before they even recognize you’re in the room. You follow Adrian’s instructions and pull the trigger.

“What the fuck, (Y/N)?! It’s Chris!” The voice yells. You freeze in your tracks. Suddenly the lights come back on and you’re met face to face with Chris who is now holding his arm, bleeding. Luckily you had only grazed him. You hear footsteps running up the stairs.

“I found the breaker!” Adrian calls from down the hall.

“I don’t give a shit about the breaker, they shot me!” Chris continues to yell as Adrian enters the room. You stay frozen, staring down at the gun.

“Sorry. I told them to shoot anyone that wasn’t me.” Adrian says.

“You couldn’t have warned me?!” Chris complains.

“You didn’t ask.” Adrian shrugs, walking over to you slowly. You can see Chris’ look of annoyance, but you don’t truly process it. Adrian takes in your posture and facial expressions, analyzing you, before slowly placing his hand over the barrel of the gun. Your hand is gripping it so tightly that your knuckles have turned white. “I’ve got it. Just let go. That’s it.” Adrian says softly as you slowly release the gun. When it’s out of your hand and Adrian passes it off to Chris, you release a breath you didn’t know you were holding, as you fall forward into Adrian’s arms. You feel your body go limp against his as you start to sob. You drag him to the ground with you. He shushes you, rubbing circles into your back.

“I’m sorry.” You apologize.

“You did nothing wrong. You did exactly what I told you to. I’m so proud of you.” Adrian smiles down at you. You continue to cry into his arms.

“He’s gone. He made a run for it when we started shooting at him. We tried to catch him, but we weren’t fast enough.” Chris tells you. You know this is supposed to be in an effort to make you feel better, but it only makes you feel worse.

You try to keep your body from shaking violently. You wiggle around in Adrian’s arms. He catches on to your attempt to self sooth and he sways with you. You pull your arm that is not in the sling out from under his and start to pound into your head and pull at your hair. You try to hold back screams. He carefully unwinds your fingers from your hair and hugs you tighter to keep you from hurting yourself. You scream into his chest.

“I’m sorry. It’s gonna be okay. You’re safe now. I’m never gonna let him hurt you again. I’m here. I’m here.” Adrian repeats. Chris leaves the room to call Harcourt to give her an update. After a while your sobbing subsides, as you continue to rock back and fourth slowly in Adrian’s arms. “You’re doing so good. I’m so proud of you. You’re so strong.” He continues to compliment and reassure you. He places a kiss on your forehead. The warmth of his lips spreads across your whole body. It helps bring you to a calm enough state to speak.

“I don’t want to be here anymore.” You let out a quiet, weak sentence.

“Do you want to sleep at my place tonight?” He asks. You nod, but make no effort to get up to leave. Adrian slowly helps you stand and he drags you to your room to sit on your bed while he packs a bag for you. You assume you will be gone for more than one night, as he packs you a bag of several days worth of clothes. He wraps your favorite blanket around your body, and slings the bag of clothes over his shoulder. He then picks up your favorite pillow in one hand and wraps an arm around you with his free hand. You hold onto him tight as the three of you make the trip outside to pile into the Sebring. You hold your breath until Adrian locks your seatbelt in place and drives far enough that your apartment is out of view. Chris is still on the phone updating Harcourt. It was late enough. Tonight she would let you rest, but tomorrow she was going to come to Adrian’s to crack down and close this fucking case.

First stop was to drop off Chris. The guys decided that tonight probably wasn’t the best night for beer and movies. After stopping at the trailer you made your way back to Adrian’s place. You stayed silent the entire time and for the first time in his life Adrian didn’t have much to say either.

“I want you to teach me how to shoot.” You say quietly, breaking the silence. Your voice is dead as you stare off through the window.

“What? I thought you were afraid of guns.” Adrian questions.

“I don’t know what I’m not afraid of at this point, but the next time I see that bastard I’m blowing his fucking brains out.” You inform him.

“Wait a second. You used to be so anti-killing. That was supposed to be my job. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad you’re finally coming to your senses on the topic of killing bad people and this dude totally needs to be killed, this just isn’t like you.” He rambles.

“I don’t even know who me is anymore. He took that away from me.” You let your voice trail off, as you get choked up again. Adrian looks at you, not quite knowing what to say. The truth is he wishes he could say every nice thought he’s ever had about you, but he doesn’t want to freak you out. He doubts you feel the same about him and after getting shot by your first date since he met you a year ago, he doesn’t really think you’re in the mood. After all Chris had spent the entire past year saying you were so far out of his league that it was funny. You wish you knew all of this. You would have proved Chris wrong.

Adrian walks around to your side of the car, opening the door for you. He lets you into his home. You walk around like a zombie with a blank stare, not particularly looking at anything, just sort of disassociating. He takes your belongings and brings them down the hallway to what you assume is his bedroom.

“What do you want to do now?” Adrian asks. You shrug, avoiding his stare.

“Do you want to shower and change into something more comfortable?” He asks. You think about a shower and it’s honestly the best thing you can imagine right now. You nod, speaking feeling like a chore. He pushes you towards the bathroom and starts the water for you. He places his hand inside until the water is the perfect temperature. He turns to leave the room, but you stop him. You call his name softly. He turns around and hums in response.

“Can you help me?” You ask, pointing to your sling. He gulps and nods. You think you see a blush quickly approaching his cheeks, but you’re too numb to care at the moment. He helps you take off your sling. He then places his hands at the hem of your shirt.

“If you’re uncomfortable, just let me know and I’ll stop and leave the room.” He says. You lock eyes with him, trying to keep tears at bay and nod. You hadn’t felt this safe with a man in so many years, you couldn’t even remember. It was especially jarring after that ‘date’. He slips your shirt off of your body, pausing to take a look at your wound. “I’m going to have to redress your shoulder after you shower.” He tells you. You nod again, too tired for words. He then kneels to take off your shoes and socks. He then slides your jeans down your legs. With any other man this would be awkward. It would feel oddly sexually charged. You wouldn’t feel safe. With Adrian you know he would never do anything to hurt you. You know he’d respect you and your body and never take advantage of you. That’s why you take your next step.

He holds out his hands to help you step with wobbly legs into the shower. When he goes to leave the bathroom, you reach out your hand to tug at his.

“Can you…” You’re just so tired of talking. You try to pull him into the shower with you.

“You want me to join you?” He asks, a nervous edge to his voice. You nod.

“Please. I don’t want to be alone in here with my thoughts.” You tell him, honestly. He gives you a sad smile before stripping down to his boxers and stepping into the shower behind you. Despite being naked in a shower with the man you’ve had a crush on for a year, you feel no need to make a move. You’re exhausted and scared and you just need his comfort right now. You hear a bottle opening and the squeezing of shampoo into Adrian’s hands. He begins to massage the shampoo into your hair. He’s so gentle and the way his finger nails scratch across your scalp feels euphoric. You feel like a rag doll, as Adrian moves your body in every which way to clean it. You don’t feel invaded. You feel quite the opposite, like you’re being well taken care of. His hands are soft and he smells incredible. You smile to yourself thinking you’ll smell like him too after using his soap. He hums to you as he washes you. It’s odd to think someone who kills people at night can be so gentle and loving.

After you shower he cleans and redresses your wound. He does all of this wordlessly. You don’t think you’ve ever heard Adrian so quiet. You hiss at the pain as he touches your wound to clean it.

“Let me know if I’m hurting you.” He instructs you.

“You could never hurt me.” You smile up at him.

“I definitely could.” He says, missing the point. You stare off into space trying to ignore his hands against your shoulder.

“Better?” He asks after your wound is covered again. You look up into his eyes and nod slowly. You get lost in his eyes, staring at each other. His green eyes seem to put you in a trance. Your faces are even, as the counter you’re sitting on makes you taller. Adrian is standing between your parted legs to have better access to your wound. You’re so close you can feel his breath on your skin. You think you might be drifting closer. You want to kiss him so badly. You think you might before Adrian turns his head away at the last second. A blush comes to both your cheeks. “I bet you’re tired. We should get you set up in my room. I’ll take the couch.” He says before exiting the bathroom. You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding before following him.

You take a minute to yourself before walking into his bedroom to see a shirt and a pair of boxers laid out on the bed. He’s already changed, so you assume they’re for you.

“When I packed your bag I forgot to grab something for you to sleep in. Sorry.” He admits. You blush. That wasn’t the truth, but you didn’t need to know that. He hoped you wouldn’t catch onto the fact that he just wanted to see you safe, warm, and comfortable in his clothes.

“That’s okay. I don’t mind wearing your clothes.” You say quietly. The shirt was black, its design faded and the fabric was starting to grow pilly. This was obviously a very well loved shirt. You had seen Adrian wear it from time to time when he wasn’t in the Vigilante suit, which you saw him in the majority of the time. At one point you commented on how much you liked it. You remember him telling you it was one of his favorite shirts. What you didn’t know was that this is his absolute favorite shirt, his comfort shirt, the shirt he practically lives in when it is clean. Despite just seeing you naked, Adrian leaves the room for you to drop your towel and change. When he comes back in, he has a glass of ice water in his hands. You gladly take it. You gulp it down quickly, not realizing how thirsty you were. It’s probably from all of the crying. When you hand him back the glass he asks if you would like another. You politely decline.

“You should get some sleep.” He says, slowly backing out of the doorway.

“Are you sure you want me to sleep in your bed? I don’t want to kick you out.” You ask.

“Pshh of course. It’s nothing.” He says, trying to make light of sleeping on the couch.

“Well, nonetheless it means a lot.” You smile at him. You lay down on the bed before he flicks out the light and goes to shut the door. Your anxiety quickly grows in the dark, unfamiliar room.

“Wait!” You catch his attention. He opens the door and you watch the light cascade in again from the hallway.

“What’s wrong?” Adrian asks.

“Can you uh…” you drift off.

“Do you want me to lay with you again, like I did in the hospital?” He asks. You nod, sheepishly. “Uh- yeah.” Adrian nods, smiling. “I can do that.” He affirms, as he gets under the covers with you. At first Adrian is a little stiff. This is admittedly a weird situation. You’re not filled with all of the adrenaline that you were the first time. It takes a minute before you decide to place your head against his chest. He shifts awkwardly before putting his arm around you and pulling you tightly to his body. After you fall into a rhythm and it’s clear what the other person wants, you feel perfectly pressed together like two puzzle pieces. Adrian starts drawing circles on your arm. Between the steady motion, his heartbeat, and the rising and falling of his chest, you’re soothed to sleep. You feel him press a kiss to your forehead as you drift off.

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matryx7728 · 4 months

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MACHINE-INDUCED INSANITY 💔💔💔💔

more ranting below the cut

got a windows surface tablet recently cause i needed a standalone drawing tablet and since i once had a display tablet that hooked up to my puter i’m most familiar with windows apps like firealpaca; my display tablet broke a while ago (also why i got the surface pro) and after readjusting to firealpaca (and drawing on a tablet again in general. i’ve been restricted to drawing on my phone since my display tab broke up until now) i decided v0 was due for a new ref

some things of note: this tablet only has like 4gb of ram. which works fine for what i’m using it for but that means it gets a bit slow if i have too many layers/too many tabs/try to do things real fast. this tablet also doesn’t have gesture comprehension so i cant do things like double tap/triple tap to undo/redo, i have to tap the buttons on the screen manually. i also don’t have a keyboard attachment yet and i’m not really looking to get one i just need that xp pen thingy that has all the button shortcuts but until i have that i have to manually select to and from each tool and i can’t use shift or ctrl which limits me from quite a few things (like straight line tool, the ability to select multiple things at once, etc). it’s not that much of an issue but it is a hinderance ALSO this things touch sensitivity is a bit high so even with my smudge guard, i accidentally tap on things all the time with my palm if i dare press my hand down with any pressure at all

(P.S. this isn’t to say the tablet is bad. if you’re looking for a windows drawing tablet or something it’s very nice and the one i have (i think it’s the 6?) was a very good price. would recommend. most the issues are circumventable)

anyways i was working on v0’s new ref right. that shit took me 5-6 hours for just the fucking sketch and lines the most i’ve done color wise is the clipping layer and that’s it. and i cant continue rn because 1: don’t have an image i can get v0’s colors from saved on my tablet yet (and i’m not currently at home so i have no wifi. cant get a ref image til i get home) and 2: i forgot i was supposed to be drawing it on vc tonight with another friend of mine (@cikdik) so i’m waiting til then anyways

mind you i have to color this thing lineless. i had to do actual lineart however becayse i needed the clipping layer to be seamless and also guidelines you know. so that’s another like 4+ hours at best

and that’s just for the fucking front facing view wgich i have also. yet to line its tail to and its wing things onto it so that’s not even done yet and whenever i do get done with that i have to then draw a side view and a back view and i’ve been holding my pen so long without break up until now my hand hurts just a little bit

anyways sorry about the impossibly long post i just needed to talk more so i didn’t get mad about it. thank you for coming to my ted talk and thank you @athiav2 for listening to the bullshit i was spouting

#if i start adding more than the necessary tags to this i will have ten million tags so #self control #matryx speaks #ultrakill #ultrakill oc #v0 #long post #uhh #yeah that’s good enough

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juggalomary · 9 months

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So I actually forgot to post this but I finally got around to chapter 3. I’m in the process of writing chapter 4 rn but I promise y’all will get it a day early next time.

Go read who is this kid? On Ao3 now!

Enjoy chapter 3 <3

A-1, the first of his kind. A young man, trained by the best. He had disappeared from his last know location in Mongolia over 8 months ago. There was no proof of him ever being in another area, that is, until, August 17th 2024, just over 8 months since his last dated sighting. It was not how everyone wished the proof surfaced.

It was a rather unusual case, labeled domestic terror and suicide. A young man, late 20’s, had showed up to the the largest bank in the country to Belgium, and simply asked for a safe deposit box. When he was granted the paperwork to start one, he pulled out an item. A small, but incredibly damaging pen bomb. He had clicked the pen open, used it to sign the paperwork and then put it in the tellers cup.

When the teller picked it up about and hour later and clicked it closed, it blew up, killing 12 and injuring 16 others.

It was labeled domestic terror due to the man’s accent and fluency in the language, as well as his Belgian passport and ID. The man’s body was found 3 hours later, arsenic poisoning, the body, was oddly, labeled as a young Dutch man, Lenard Bradford.

It was traced back to John Mactavish through the nature of the bombs involved. Something that powerful in a casing that small is something that only the best could pull off, such as a special air service officer trained in demolitions.

—————

The 141 was called in to help locate the central location of the group, along with Belgian special forces.

They all knew that they were potentially going to see their teammate, and that he may not be the same, but what they saw was nothing like what they expected. They expected him to not attack them, recognize them and show mercy, allow them to at least try to help.

It went nothing like that.

——————

(soap pov)

He was hiding, behind the blast proof door of the vault was opened. His comrade and closest friend A-3 had opened it before running and activating the arsenic capsule hidden among his teeth.

A-3 was replaceable, Makarov had said every one of the apollo battalions 50 members were replaceable, all except A-1. The first, the greatest, and the most intelligent.

He was not allowed to mourn his dead friend any longer, as he heard the rubble shift near his current location. A young British man cursed a blue streak into his comms before turning, facing his location directly.

He knew that man, recognized him. The one in a cap, the one who Makarov said wanted him dead, and if he was here, so was the rest of the team. The team that was trying to murder him.

“Price, yes I know, I swear there was a heat signature right here. The fucking heli picked it up, yes sir I’ll keep loo- holy shit I see it.” The cap man had said. He had turned around in his rambling, and spotted his hand with the knife he was wielding.

A-1 had to move, he had to leave, Makarov was going to punish him. He needed to leave now.

1 leaped up and over the rubble, charging the man and sinking the blade hard into his chest, through the vest, straight into kevlar.

“THE FUCK!” Cap man had shouted. 1 was gone before the second syllable had escaped. He was sprinting to behind the vault, clutching to another longer dagger. He stopped when he got behind the vault, back pressed against the remaining concrete structure.

1 had messed up, a killing blow had been missed, and now everyone was aware of who he was. He had been sent on this without the usual coverage of a black gator and sunglasses, with a hood pulled over to cover nearly his whole forehead.

He screwed his suppressor onto the barrel of his pistol before stepping around the other side of the destroyed wall. The man who he had stabbed in the vest was now surrounded by 4 other people, a soldier with an ugly hat and big beard, and 3 police. He snuck around to behind the group and walked around to the former office area of the bank. A large man in all black with a balaclava was speaking to a police officer by the edge of the rubble.

1 had orders to execute anyone military on scene, he failed the first time, he cannot fail again.

Apollo-1 was not a failure, he had yet to fail a mission. All he had to do was sneak up and execute the man in black.

He was low the the ground walking in a crouched down way, he held the knife closely against his forearm. As he approached he heard a deep manc accent, something he remembered from deep in his consciousness. That did not stop him, he was a good soldier, followed orders well.

“Hey! Stop! You cannot be here, are you alright? Sir?” A female police officer was shouting at him, the one the tall man had been talking with. The one who the tall man had been talking with, holy shit he had been made.

He stood up straight, using the momentum to get a good sprinting start, he launched at the man, stabbing under the bottom of his vest, and finally lodging the knife into flesh.

The tall man lifted him by him arm and threw him backwards off of him. 1 had no time to collect himself before he was charged by the tall man. He rolled out if the way just in time to miss a knife to the face. He stood and took a wire off of his kit and pulled it tight, and then looped it around the mans neck, strangling him.

The man fell backwards a few steps before getting a grip on 1s arm and hand and twisting, breaking the bone. When 1 went reeling backwards he was met with a warm wall, a tall thin wall. He turned his head and was glared at by beard guy.

He stood and took off running, leaving his weapon and evidence of his involvement in the terrorism. He ran and ran through the streets of the city, not looking back to see if he was followed.

As he slowed to a stop outside of a post office, he heard sirens in the distance. They were likely looking for him, but at this point he cared more about setting his arm than about the police. He went to radio i to evac, but was met with a shattered radio, most likely from when he was thrown down.

He sat down in the steps in an attempt to make it easier to set his arm. A foolish thing really, as the bell to the door opening as a worker walks out to scold him for loitering. As the young woman walked out he turned to look at her. Every ounce of blood from her face drained as he turned around.

“You, you, you the man on the television.” She was speaking broken English with an accent, most likely from Spain. Her hand was shaking as she pointed. “¡Maria! ¡Maria! El hombre para el televisir esta aqui.” That’s all he needed to hear before he was off and running again.

It could’ve been hours before he stopped running again, pausing once to throw up blood. Turns out he has some broken ribs as well. God he hated this, running miles and miles from people who want him dead, in massive amounts of pain.

He felt sick. He was going to die. He could finally be free of Makarov. That didn’t sound that bad though. Maybe the pain could go away. His he could use a nap, he head was killing him. Yeah that’s what he needed.

So a nap is what he took, fell asleep right at exfil.

——————

“Get up” a harsh slap was placed right on his face. So he hadn’t died. It was his trainer, handler, a man who had finally allowed him the call him master yvgin (iv-gan).

He cracked his eyes open, taking in his surroundings. He was in his hospital room, the one he most commonly frequented. There was a cream colored cast keeping his arm bent at 90°, and a tube giving him oxygen. There was an iv in his good arm.

“Spiral fracture in left arm, 4 broken ribs, moderate concussion, 14 small to medium lacerations, 2 required stitches, internal and external bleeding. These injuries suggest you lost, and the nationwide television broadcast to look out for a man of your description suggest you failed your mission.” Yvgin had said, 1 just nodded, because saying it out loud was somehow worse.

He had been allowed one extra day of recovery in hospital before his punishment.

Makarov hadn’t come to visit him, so he assumed his hadn’t messed up severely, maybe the man he stabbed had died. Maybe the charge he left in the vault by accident had gone off, killing the whole team.

No, it hadn’t, 1 had failed in killing any of the targets, therefore maligning him suitable to severe punishment.

He walked through the halls of the compound in Vietnam with his head down. One soldier from the delta regiment had reached her hand out to try to comfort him. 1 later learned that all of her fingers had been broken for the offense.

He was lead down the hall to the supply room, where he was fitted with a mask, it was made of leather and formed to his face, there was a piece formed somewhat like a mouthgaurd that rested in between his teeth. The bottom of it rested about 2 inches under his chin, holding his mouth closed.

The device was crafted for him while he was in his second round of solitary confinement and sensory deprivation. He had been screaming too much, ruining the whole ‘complete silence and darkness’ gimmick.

This time though, he was walked out of the room and past the hallway where the confinement took place, and walked right into a small jail cell like room. The walls were cold concrete and shockingly, there was a vent in to corner.

This couldn’t be that bad, right?

Wrong!

As soon as he entered the room 2 orderlies were in there with him. His clothes, still bloody from the last mission, were cut off of him. Leaving him with only tattered briefs to cover himself. Next he was sprayed with a high power hose, drenching him in frigid water. The final part was that the floors and walls were all covered in freezing water and and the metal door was shut and locked.

Ok so not that bad, just a bit of water, 1 naively thought. Those thoughts flew out the window the second the vent whirred to life, absolutely freezing air blowing into the room, almost immediately causing the water around it to crystallize into ice.

Oh god, they’re going to freeze him half to death.

——————

Mere hours later he was pulled from the room, ice cracking from the movement. His feet had frozen to the floor, meaning the act of picking him up to move had opened wounds. He was hobbling along, trying hard to not get dragged down the halls.

He once again was dragged past an area he was familiar with, and straight towards Makarovs office and connected corrections room.

As he’s thrown into the chair Makarov barks something in Russian at the orderlies and then they leave.

“доброе утро, дворняга.” 1 keeps his head down.

“acknowledge me when I speak дворняга.”

“Good morning sir.” 1 spoke with his eyes directed at his bare and bloodied feet.

“Do you know why I’ve called you in today?” Makarov asked, condescendingly, like a headmaster talking to a troublemaker.

“Is it my performance in Belgium”

“Very smart one, very smart. You recognize the team that wants you dead, нет?”

“Yessir, what about them sir.” 1 asked, hopefully the one he stabbed was dead.

“Word has it that призрак is still alive, can’t even land one killing blow. Useless дворняга.” With that Makarov yanked him up by his hair and dragged him into the private corrections chamber.

“You cannot deliver killing blows, why not make you feel nonlethal blows, hm? Make gods angels bored of trying to come get you, only to be returned back to life? Teach a useless mutt like you.” 1 was thrown down into a chair he knew better than to try to stand up from.

It was a blur really from there on. After a few slices from a razor on his chest and face, he disassociated, disappearing into his brain, taking the beating. Knives were thrown at him, pins were stuck into his joints, yet he stopped flinching.

Everything after that hardly gained a reaction. He went on mission after mission, nearly unresponsive to pain. He felt it sure, but he didn’t show it.

An enemy bomb had nearly taken his fingers off, but he only hissed in pain, but got right back to work left handed. He got rewarded for that. He also was forced to wear his leather mask wherever he went, only having it removed for meals.

Any man that 1 was before had completely disappeared. He had almost lost his life so many times, so many ways.

After his death and or disappearance in mid November, he had racked a kill count of 167, became the Apollo regiment sniper, and had nearly died at least 5 times, but that rain of terror came to a screeching halt on December 31st 2023, only 4 months after it started.

juggalomary on Ao3!

#fanfic #ghoap #hurt/comfort #also i wanted to say that könig will not make an appearance unless he’s getting shot #i’m giggling #this one’s rough #ao3 crosspost #ooc #like a lot #read it though!

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pocasu · 1 year

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Hi! I just discovered debut or d ie and i’ve gotten into it but i’m not sure where to read it 😭 I saw that you had a post from a couple of months ago, do you have any updated links aside from the ones in that post? or do you have any tips for how to read to korean webtoon? I’m intermediate level in Korean so I can read it but I think I have to pay to read more than the first 4-5 chapters? any help would be appreciated!

(2023/9/12 EDIT: Very overdue, but just wanted to update this post to mention that Tapas hosts the official TLs for both the webtoon and novel! Please support official sources if possible, thank you!)

Hihi, thank you for the ask! Both the original webnovel and webtoon for Debut or Die/데못죽 are currently only officially available in Korean on Kakaopage! I also apologize if there were any dead/outdated links; I did try my best to find some English resources at the time, but I didn't really check in on them regularly as I followed the official updates.

WEBTOON:

IIRC, all 30 webtoon chapters have been (or at least should be?) English scanlated and are up on Mangadex. The adaptation went on a hiatus following the end of S1 in late January, but it is set to return for S2 on May 14.

You get 1 free chapter every 24 hours on Kakaopage if you register an account.

NOVEL:

The novel has ended as of just this past Friday (May 5) with 644 chapters! The author has announced they will be back with an afterstory after a period of rest, so we're looking forward to that. ^^

The novel is also currently hosting a 100 FREE CHAPTER EVENT to celebrate its completion, so check in on that if you're interested!

Making a KKP account is very easy, just create a Kakaotalk account to link it to! (Also try checking out the free cash/roulette opportunities! A chapter for the novel is only 100 cash, which is around 0.77 USD.)

***EDIT*** Sorry, I forgot to mention that KKP Is technically region-locked to only be available in South Korea! This is very easily bypassable, especially if you have an Android device.

Android: Third-party APKs like QooApp, or create a South Korean Play Store account.

Apple/iOS: Create a separate App Store account for South Korea.

+ You can also just read on mobile browser for either, but for the sake of convenience and accessibility, yk?

Thank you again for the interest! 추가 질문 등 읽으면서 이해하기 힘든 문장이 있으시면, 혹은 그냥 못죽에 대해서 잡담하고 싶으시면 언제나 환영해요 ^^

#poca asks #sweat anon #debut or die #데못죽 #DMJ_eng

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ninjadudettekira · 2 years

Photo

This art piece made me scream into the fucking void omfg, this was brutal. 77 layers and a lot of folders on Ibis Paint X. Hopefully I didn’t miss any mistakes cause I did when I showed this to Discord, and while I was posting this I almost forgot to unhide Ben’s pillow.

In one of the Ben 10 Discord’s I’m in, someone was like “Hey I’m working on a Ben 10 character mixtape and was tempted to add Brutal by Olivia Rodrigo for Ben just for these lines.” And I was like “Yo I’m tempted to draw that!” And here we are 4 days later. (In app time says like 16 hours and 18 minutes lmao.) More details about the drawing under the cut cause, boy oh boy does Allie have a lot to talk about with this piece.

I used a lot of screenshots from the show as a reference in order to draw how I saw this in my head. The second one was actually a reference to Young Justice episode Misplaced where Billy saw Robin, Kid Flash, and Aqualad on the TVs from the store he was walking past. “I feel like no one wants me” I was originally just going to do only Azmuth and Ben, but I wanted to do a three thing and I ended up going with Julie since their relationship in UA was rocky. (I also debated using Grandpa Max over her, but I couldn’t think of a time where Max was like that.) Also fun fact everytime I kept writing “feel” I did “fell” and took me so long to get it right. I was gonna go with a school background, but I couldn’t get it right so I went with what I did. Y’all know how when your life is a mess everyone seems like a shadow to you and everything around you is fuzzy? That’s what I was going for there. Also the fact that people want Ben for his aliens, not himself. “And I hate the way that I’m perceived” For the news report I did use the screenshot of that pose itself because I honestly couldn’t get it right when trying to freehanded it nor did I want to straight up trace it cause of how I had the TV screens. Figured there was no harm in using the screenshot itself for it. Just like “feel”, I had a tough time writing “perceived” correctly, I kept doing “pre-” over “per-”. Listen pretty sure I’m dyslexic so bare with me, English is hard. “I only have two real friends” Despite the fact that Kevin and Gwen are in their Season 3 Alien Force outfits, this takes place in UA. I went with those outfits for that lyric simply because I wanted to lmao. (And I guess cause it makes more sense cause before Vilgax came back the trio was having a good time? It makes sense I swear.)

“And lately, I’m a nervous wreck” I was originally using a photo of Danny from Danny Phantom as a reference cause he’s been a nervous wreck in some episodes, and I couldn’t remember Ben ever being nervous like how I wanted to draw him to do a reference. But Danny just ended up being thrown out the window when that wasn’t working out, ended up doing what I did though. I was originally gonna color the floor, but I was playing around with brushes on Ibis and that happened. I kept it cause it worked for what I was going for lol.

Also just a FYI, my DeviantArt is Kira Sema so that’s why my watermark in the panels say that over my actual name/username here. I’m trying to keep my newer artwork with a consistent watermark that leads somewhere if someone were to look up the name. (Despite the fact I’m still very backlogged on uploading old/current artwork to my DA.)

#Ben 10 #ben 10 fanart #ben 10 uaf #ben 10 alien force #ben 10 ultimate alien #ben 10 art #ben tennyson #gwen tennyson #kevin levin #azmuth #julie yamamoto #brutal olivia rodrigo #lyric art #Fun fact I don't even have this song on my playlist yet I drew a whole goddamn art piece of it #Sad Ben hours #One of these days imma make an animatic cause I've had ideas for my own stuff lol

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creativecunt · 2 years

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The winner vents it all.

Part 1:

Three years under an nda have left me with less time less patience, less empathy and even less friends. It’s finally time to air some honest grievances that I have tried to muddle down to nothing given that I get to paint objects as my job. I thought if I just mowed everything over and kept pursuing my dream that things would make them selves right. I was wrong for thinking anyone would truly understand what was going on in this room with the perfect view. A city Skyline to romanticize over with some quirks closer by to make you laugh off the stress of the situation. Their were many reasons I remained silent. If you were to ask me after reading any of this why would you stay? I would tell you I was being told I would be the next manager daily. Now that she’s gone… I was wrong for thinking they’d just put me in her place but instead they are now using me until I don’t matter any more. I’m sitting in my room with covid after 2 years of desperately avoiding it. I can’t help but feel wounded after this year. This year left me a multitude of issues that physically changed things for me but also emotionally fucked me up. I’m not saying their were no good moments from the year but this post is going to be about the 3 years of hell I’ve been enduring at my current work place.

If I could start anywhere I’d start at the beginning. I had driven out to queens for a job application seeking a scenic artist. Since I had been running a very small and new business but needed more steady income I figured wow this is probably the best option for me considering their are very few opportunities for painters in the commercial realm. The pay for me was good to get me started this was right before the pandemic I did not predict the sudden mass inflation we all know today. If I think about it I wish I had looked into how much people make in nyc sooner. The average is around $100,000 and trust me I was jumping into this job at what felt like maybe 1/4 of that which is bad it would determine that I’d never be able to afford rent in NY alone. So when they asked me to come on board for $20 an hour I didn’t jump but when they offered $22 I was like “it seems like they need me” coming to find out for what ever shallow reason. When I started the department was brand new and featured a lovely window to gaze out toward the city. Their was a tv with Netflix Hulu etc and I found out I’d be painting guns, swords, axes, computers, 3d prints anything a prop master could dream up I was chosen to make it match or to make it look good. So I was going to help as best I could I know a lot of things about creating a successful project and i was going to make it known! Or so I thought.

Introducing the “manager” a small blonde girl wearing a science lab coat. She was eager to show me her sculpture that she made a number of large castings of. Very detailed. She was at first kind and told me that she loved that cute little Japanese egg character the one that looks like this…

But isn’t that… lol

Anyway she’s the villain here so pay attention people because I found out every time she tried to assaniate my character, said something to me that was suspicious, said something rude under her breath, tried to make me feel bad about anything or when she would flat out tell me to my face to fuck off if I disagreed all, of those moments I found out were genuinely true because they were moments coming from someone who was jealous of me and a control freak. Finally 3 years later this chapter is over because she quit after getting written up twice and now she has a house in Jersey. I also forgot to mention it was far worse than just abuse she was also taking credit for my work while I had a fractured tibia.

Their is so much more I’m going to say but covid has me winded so I need to take a break. But I’ll be back for part 2

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my-little-loverboy · 5 months

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Pardon my rambling. Illness of the mental flavour this fine four in the morning.

On one hand I want to post shit as soon as I’m done drawing but I also like keeping a queue bc then my account doesn’t die for 7-14 business days when my wrists act up not from an obligation to post just bc I like seeing people interact with my art and i know I could take a break and keeping a queue makes it so I can but also I love consistency and I just because I should take breaks doesn’t mean I like doing it and I think I may spend too much time on the internet but I’m not entirely sure what else to do with myself because what else is there to do for me as someone who can’t really go out or do most normal things. I suppose I could read but I already do a lot of that not even just fanfic I read a decent amount of novels im just horribly picky and I find the process of finding novels I enjoy exausting. I could write more music too but I already do that a lot and it’s debatable if that’s better because I end up obsessing over even minor flaws. I want to redecorate my room but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea or if I’m just tired bc I’m pretty sure I forgot to take my meds last night even though I slept what felt like a normal amount. I should also go to bed now bc I did take my meds and I know that’s definitely making my current situation worse but on the other hand I want to run. Which I know is a bad idea last time i tried to go for a run my legs gave out and I was stuck in the cold for 4 hours until my roommate woke up and could bring my wheelchair and I’m not sure when my knees got this bad. Like I could never run because I was asthmatic but it was a different kind of couldn’t like I could technically run it was just a bad idea because I’d have an asthma attack. But now I can’t because I’ll fall and won’t be able to get back up or I’ll be in such severe pain I can’t get home or one time I got lost and just kinda kept walking for almost 2 hours bc I forgot my phone so I couldn’t contact anyone and I shit you not I ended up in the neighbor town (it’s not that far and I didn’t remember crossing the highway either way) and after that I barely got out of bed for like a week. Not that I get out of bed often as it anyway and I think that’s why it feels like I spend too much time online. Because I only really remember being online because it’s the best part of my day. Like I know I have one irl I could be hanging out with but also that is so much effort and I love her dearly but it’s a different kind of yearning I think. I want to be normal just for like a day I want to have friends who want to talk to me and people to spend time with irl. But I also don’t. I don’t want people I don’t want friends and I know that. I want the romanticized version of friends that don’t have drama or problems or complexity and I think that’s why I value my online friends and my mutuals so much because it fills the social need without any of the issues that come with humans and I feel horrible saying that because I know my mutuals are human but online is comfortable and the block button is always a click away and I’m not afraid to use it but also I am because what if I’ve misjudged the situation not that I’ll ever ask.

Edit I’m expanding this because my brain has gone in a very irl dangerous direction and I need to keep my hands busy lest I do something fucking stupid. Sometimes I wonder how much my apathy shows and sometimes I wonder if it’s even apathy because I am apathetic in a clinical sense but I wonder if I’m exaggerating because I get bursts of excitement or feeling but it comes and goes in minutes like. Even then direction I was going isn’t out of and particular negative emotion it was a passive thought and I think that’s arguably more worrying bc instead of being jarring and worrying I considered making a catastrophically bad decision with all the care of someone picking want to have for breakfast. Maybe I’d feel better if I jerked off I don’t think that’s is a great idea but also there’s certainly worse options I’m wondering if this reads as much like a conversation as it feels because I don’t remember writing most of it but also reading it does sound like me but not and I don’t know why that is but I don’t want to think to hard on it so.

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jcmarchi · 7 months

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Car-GPT: Could LLMs finally make self-driving cars happen?

New Post has been published on https://thedigitalinsider.com/car-gpt-could-llms-finally-make-self-driving-cars-happen/

Car-GPT: Could LLMs finally make self-driving cars happen?

In 1928, London was in the middle of a terrible health crisis, devastated by bacterial diseases like pneumonia, tuberculosis, and meningitis. Confined in sterile laboratories, scientists and doctors were stuck in a relentless cycle of trial and error, using traditional medical approaches to solve complex problems.

This is when, in September 1928, an accidental event changed the course of the world. A Scottish doctor named Alexander Fleming forgot to close a petri dish (the transparent circular box you used in science class), which got contaminated by mold. This is when Fleming noticed something peculiar: all bacteria close to the moisture were dead, while the others survived.

“What was that moisture made of?” wondered M. Flemming. This was when he discovered that Penicillin, the main component of the mold, was a powerful bacterial killer. This led to the groundbreaking discovery of penicillin, leading to the antibiotics we use today. In a world where doctors were relying on existing well-studied approaches, Penicillin was the unexpected answer.

Self-driving cars may be following a similar event. Back in the 2010s, most of them were built using what we call a « modular » approach. The software « autonomous » part is split into several modules, such as Perception (the task of seeing the world), or Localization (the task of accurately localize yourself in the world), or Planning (the task of creating a trajectory for the car to follow, and implementing the « brain » of the car). Finally, all these go to the last module: Control, that generates commands such as « steer 20° right », etc… So this was the well-known approach.

But a decade later, companies started to take another discipline very seriously: End-To-End learning. The core idea is to replace every module with a single neural network predicting steering and acceleration, but as you can imagine, this introduces a black box problem.

The 4 Pillars of Self-Driving Cars are Perception, Localization, Planning, and Control. Could a Large Language Model replicate them? (source)

These approaches are known, but don’t solve the self-driving problem yet. So, we could be wondering: “What if LLMs (Large Language Models), currently revolutionizing the world, were the unexpected answer to autonomous driving?”

This is what we’re going to see in this article, beginning with a simple explanation of what LLMs are and then diving into how they could benefit autonomous driving.

Preamble: LLMs-what?

Before you read this article, you must know something: I’m not an LLM pro, at all. This means, I know too well the struggle to learn it. I understand what it’s like to google “learn LLM”; then see 3 sponsored posts asking you to download e-books (in which nothing concrete appears)… then see 20 ultimate roadmaps and GitHub repos, where step 1/54 is to view a 2-hour long video (and no one knows what step 54 is because it’s so looooooooong).

So, instead of putting you through this pain myself, let’s just break down what LLMs are in 3 key ideas:

Tokenization

Transformers

Processing Language

Tokenization

In ChatGPT, you input a piece of text, and it returns text, right? Well, what’s actually happening is that your text is first converted into tokens.

Example of tokenization of a sentence, each word becomes a “token”

But what’s a token? You might ask. Well, a token can correspond to a word, a character, or anything we want. Think about it — if you are to send a sentence to a neural network, you didn’t plan on sending actual words, did you?

The input of a neural network is always a number, so you need to convert your text into numbers; this is tokenization.

What tokenization actually is: A conversion from words to numbers

Depending on the model (ChatGPT, LLAMA, etc…), a token can mean different things: a word, a subword, or even a character. We could take the English vocabulary and define these as words or take parts of words (subwords) and handle even more complex inputs. For example, the word « a » could be token 1, and the word « abracadabra » would be token 121.

Transformers

Now that we understand how to convert a sentence into a series of numbers, we can send that series into our neural network! At a high level, we have the following structure:

A Transformer is an Encoder-Decoder Architecture that takes a sequence of tokens as input and outputs a another series of tokens

If you start looking around, you will see that some models are based on an encoder-decoder architecture, some others are purely encoder-based, and others, like GPT, are purely decoder-based.

Whatever the case, they all share the core Transformer blocks: multi-head attention, layer normalization, addition and concatenation, blocks, cross-attention, etc…

This is just a series of attention blocks getting you to the output. So how does this word prediction work?

The output/ Next-Word Prediction

The Encoder learns features and understands context… But what does the decoder do? In the case of object detection, the decoder is predicting bounding boxes. In the case of segmentation, the decoder is predicting segmentation masks. What about here?

In our case, the decoder is trying to generate a series of words; we call this task “next-word prediction”.

Of course, it does it similarly by predicting numbers or tokens. This characterizes our full model as shown below,

I would say the loss function for this particular output produces a near-0 value.

Now, there are many “concepts” that you should learn on top of this intro: everything Transformer and Attention related, but also few-shot learning, pretraining, finetuning, and more…

Ok… but what does it have to do with self-driving cars? I think it’s time to move to stage 2.

Chat-GPT for Self-Driving Cars

The thing is, you’ve already been through the tough part. The rest simply is: “How do I adapt this to autonomous driving?”. Think about it; we have a few modifications to make:

Our input now becomes either images, sensor data (LiDAR point clouds, RADAR point clouds, etc…), or even algorithm data (lane lines, objects, etc…). All of it is “tokenizable”, as Vision Transformers or Video Vision Transformers do.

Our Transformer model pretty much remains the same since it only operates on tokens and is independent of the kind of input.

The output is based on the set of tasks we want to do. It could be explaining what’s happening in the image or could also be a direct driving task like switching lanes.

So, let’s begin with the end:

What self-driving car tasks could LLM solve?

There are many tasks involved in autonomous driving, but not all of them are GPT-isable. The most active research areas in 2023 have been:

Perception: Based on an input image, describe the environment, number of objects, etc…

Planning: Based on an image, or a bird-eye view, or the output of perception, describe what we should do (keep driving, yield, etc…)

Generation: Generate training data, alternate scenarios, and more… using “diffusion”

Question & Answers: Create a chat interface and ask the LLM to answer questions based on the scenario.

LLMs in Perception

In Perception, the input is a series of images, and the output is usually a set of objects, lanes, etc… In the case of LLMs, we have 3 core tasks: Detection, Prediction, and Tracking. An example with Chat-GPT, when you send it an image and ask to describe what’s going on is shown below:

A GPT-4 Vision model can return the objects in the image, just like object detectors do (source)

Other models such as HiLM-D and MTD-GPT can also do this, some work also for videos. Models like PromptTrack, also have the ability to assign unique IDs (this car in front of me is ID #3), similar to a 4D Perception model.

PromptTrack combines the DETR object detector with Large Language Models

In this model, multi-view images are sent to an Encoder-Decoder network that is trained to predict annotations of objects such as bounding boxes, and attention maps). These maps are then combined with a prompt like ‘find the vehicles that are turning right’.The next block then finds the 3D Bounding Box localization and assigns IDs using a bipartite graph matching algorithm like the Hungarian Algorithm.

This is cool, but this isn’t the “best” application of LLMs so far:

LLMs in Decision Making, Navigation, and Planning

If Chat-GPT can find objects in an image, it should be able to tell you what to do with these objects, shouldn’t it? Well, this is the task of Planning i.e. defining a path from A to B, based on the current perception. While there are numerous models developed for this task, the one that stood out to me was Talk2BEV:

Talk2BEV takes perception one step further and also tells you what to do

The main difference between models for planning and Perception-only models is that here, we’re going to train the model on human behavior to suggest ideal driving decisions. We’re also going to change the input from multi-view to Bird Eye View since it is much easier to understand.

This model works both with LLaVA and ChatGPT4, and here is a demo of the architecture:

Talk2BEV (source)

As you can see, this isn’t purely “prompt” based, because the core object detection model stays Bird Eye View Perception, but the LLM is used to “enhance” that output by suggesting to crop some regions, look at specific places, and predict a path. We’re talking about “language enhanced BEV Maps”.

Other models like DriveGPT are trained to send the output of Perception to Chat-GPT and finetune it to output the driving trajectory directly.

The DriveGPT model is pure madness… when trained correctly! (modified from source)

I could go on and on, but I think you get the point. If we summarize, I would say that:

Inputs are either tokenized images or outputs of Perception algorithm (BEV maps, …)

We fuse existing models (BEV Perception, Bipartite Matching, …) with language prompts (find the moving cars)

Changing the task is mainly about changing the data, loss function, and careful finetuning.

The Q&A applications are very similar, so let’s see the last application of LLMs:

LLMs for Image Generation

Ever tried Midjourney and DALL-E? Isn’t it super cool? Yes, and there is MUCH COOLER than this when it comes to autonomous driving. In fact, have you heard of Wayve’s GAIA-1 model? The model takes text and images as input and directly produces videos, like this:

These videos are generated by Wayve’s GAIA-1 model

The architecture takes images, actions, and text prompts as input, and then uses a World Model (an understanding of the world and its interactions) to produce a video.

Architecture of GAIA-1 (source)

You can find more examples on Wayve’s YouTube channel and this dedicated post.

Similarly, you can see MagicDrive, which takes the output of Perception as input and uses that to generate scenes:

(source)

Other models, like Driving Into the Future and Driving Diffusion can directly generate future scenarios based on the current ones. You get the point; we can generate scenes in an infinite way, get more data for our models, and have this endless positive loop.

We’ve just seen 3 prominent families of LLM usage in self-driving cars: Perception, Planning, and Generation. The real question is…

Could we trust LLMs in self-driving cars?

And by this, I mean… What if your model has hallucinations? What if its replies are completely absurd, like ChatGPT sometimes does? I remember, back in my first days in autonomous driving, big groups were already skeptical about Deep Learning, because it wasn’t “deterministic” (as they call it).

We don’t like Black Boxes, which is one of the main reasons End-To-End will struggle to get adopted. Is ChatGPT any better? I don’t think so, and I would even say it’s worse in many ways. However, LLMs are becoming more and more transparent, and the black box problem could eventually be solved.

To answer the question “Can we trust them?”… it’s very early in the research, and I’m not sure someone has really used them “online” — meaning « live », in a car, on the streets, rather than in a headquarter just for training or image generation purpose. I would definitely picture a Grok model on a Tesla someday just for Q&A purposes. So for now, I will give you my coward and safe answer…

It’s too early to tell!

Because it really is. The first wave of papers mentioning LLMs in Self-Driving Cars is from mid-2023, so let’s give it some time. In the meantime, you could start with this survey that shows all the evolutions to date.

Alright, time for the best part of the article…

The LLMs 4 AD Summary

A Large Language Model (LLM) works in 3 key steps: inputs, transformer, output. The input is a set of tokenized words, the transformer is a classical transformer, and the output task is “next word prediction”.

In a self-driving car, there are 3 key tasks we can solve with LLMs: Perception (detection, tracking, prediction), Planning (decision making, trajectory generation), and Generation (scene, videos, training data, …).

In Perception, the main goal is to describe the scene we’re looking at. The input is a set of raw multi-view images, and the Transformer aims to predict 3D bounding boxes. LLMs can also be used to ask for a specific query (“where are the taxis?”).

In Planning, the main goal is to generate a trajectory for the car to take. The input is a set of objects (output of Perception, BEV Maps, …), and the Transformer uses LLMs to understand context and reason about what to do.

In Generation, the main goal is to generate a video that corresponds to the prompt used. Models like GAIA-1 have a chat interface, and take as input videos to generate either alternate scenes (rainy, …), or future scenes.

For now, it’s very early to tell whether this can be used in the long run, but research there is some of the most active in the self-driving car space. It all comes back to the question: “Can we really trust LLMs in general?”

Next Steps

If you want to get started on LLMs for self-driving cars, there are several things you can do:

⚠️ Before this, the most important: If you want to keep learning about self-driving cars. I’m talking about self-driving car every day through my private emails. I’m sending many tips and direct content. You should join here.

✅ To begin, build an understanding of LLMs for self-driving cars. This is partly done, you can continue to explore the resources I provided in the article.

➡️ Second, build skills related to Auto-Encoders and Transformer Networks. My image segmentation series is perfect for this, and will help you understand Transformer Networks with no NLP example, which means it’s for Computer Vision Engineer’s brains.

️ ➡️ Then, understand how Bird Eye View Networks works. It might not be mentioned in general LLM courses, but in self-driving cars, Bird Eye View is the central format where we can fuse all the data (LiDARs, cameras, multi-views, …), build maps, and directly create paths to drive. You can do so in my Bird Eye View course (if closed, join my email list to be notified).

Finally, practice training, finetuning, and running LLMs in self-driving car scenarios. Run repos like Talk2BEV and the others I mentioned in the article. Most of them are open source, but the data can be hard to find. This is noted last, but there isn’t really an order in all of this.

Author Bio

Jérémy Cohen is a self-driving car engineer and founder of Think Autonomous, a platform to help engineers learn about cutting-edge technologies such as self-driving cars and advanced Computer Vision. In 2022, Think Autonomous won the price for Top Global Business of the Year in the Educational Technology Category and Jeremy Cohen was named 2023 40 Under 40 Innovators in Analytics Insight magazine, the largest printed magazine on Artificial Intelligence. You can join 10,000 engineers reading his private daily emails on self-driving cars here.

Citation

For attribution in academic contexts or books, please cite this work as

Jérémy Cohen, "Car-GPT: Could LLMs finally make self-driving cars happen?", The Gradient, 2024.

BibTeX citation:

@article{cohen2024cargpt, author = Jérémy Cohen, title = Car-GPT: Could LLMs finally make self-driving cars happen?, journal = The Gradient, year = 2024, howpublished = urlhttps://thegradient.pub/car-gpt,

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adultswim2021 · 1 year

Text

Continuity Notes from the future

Hello, AdultSwim2021heads. It’s me! the author of this blog! Wow, this is neat, but I need to get to the point:

It’s currently April 12, 2023. I am back-dating this post to the morning hours of April ?. That is so I can inform you from the future that I intended to weave “Tim & Eric Nite Live” in with the running order of this blog but forgot to edit them into my list of shows in their proper chronological order until it was too late and I’d whizzed by three weeks worth of shows. So, I’m adding this post retroactively JUST IN CASE there are any maniacs who are reading my blog from the beginning and they get to this part and want to read them in order of show air-date rather than written-on dates. You might lose some MAIL BAG continuity or stuff like that, but I am a fan of viewing orders, and lists of them.

The alternate TRUE CHRONOLOGY BY SHOW AIR TIME order is:

Tim & Eric Nite Live #1: “Delicious Pizza” | November 6, 2007 - 10:00PM | S01E01

Robot Chicken #55: “Slaughterhouse on the Prairie” | November 11, 2007 - 11:30PM | S03E13

Metalocalypse #25: “Dethfashion” | November 11, 2007 - 11:45PM | S02E05

Xavier: Renegade Angel #2: “Chief Beef Loco” | November 12, 2007 - 12:00AM | S01E02

Lucy, the Daughter of the Devil #11: “Monster” | November 12, 2007 - 12:15AM | S01E11

Tim & Eric Nite Live #2: “Quall-ity Episode” | November 13, 2007 - 10:00PM | S01E02

Metalocalypse #26: “Cleanzo” | November 18, 2007 - 11:45PM | S02E06

Xavier: Renegade Angel #3: “Weapons Grade Life” | November 19, 2007 - 12:00AM | S01E03

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! #11: “Vacation” | November 19, 2007 - 12:15AM | S02E01

The Boondocks #21: “Attack of the Killer Kung-Fu Wolf-Bitch” | November 19, 2007 - 11:30PM | S02E06

Tim & Eric Nite Live #3: “Flipz” | November 20, 2007 - 10:00PM | S01E03

Xavier: Renegade Angel #4: “The 6th Teat of Good Intentions” | November 26, 2007 - 12:00AM | S01E04

Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job! #12: “Dad's Off” | November 26, 2007 - 12:15AM | S02E02

After this, the order should be correct. SHOULD BE.

#adultswim2021

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mvillamemoirs · 2 years

Text

Nov 2020 -March 2021

March 7th, 2021

-Came into Lokahi, here at Lokahi reading this journal. Time flies by, it’s been too long since last post. If i were to compare myself now from then, I think writing down things gave me a sense of clarity internally. Past few days I’ve been feeling so slow, overwhelmed, tired, but mentally on overdrive too. I miss danny- he’s lucky he can be with his grandma and family. I miss mine in Lanai, too. I am uncertain how to deal with grandma and her stage 4 stomach cancer. I wonder why Michelle doesn’t like to visit, she’s so fortunate to be so close. I don’t know.

-I feel like a load has been lifted from my shoulders as I dropped out of school. I still feel as if there’s something missing in my life- PURPOSE. I want the luxury of having credentials to my name so I can move freely, without relying on my current job and CA living. Danny is right- CA is ripping us off of life due to how pricey it is. . .I wonder what my next move will be. Re-enroll in classes? Most likely, but when? Should I move out of CA in the coming years? I feel weary about 30 years old and no educational progress. This should be a time for me to look internally, and seek happiness from myself again, right?

Saturday, November 21st, 2020

-Danny is right about being firm with what i want and what I’m paying for when it came to apartments. Things are looking bright, updated lease agreement is in the works, Timberleaf- HERE WE COME!!!

Friday, November 20th, 2020

-Went to work. MS is flat, rude and it’s ironic how she can’t sympathize with patients. If anything, I think I can see myself leaving due to her. She’s so problematic. Plus side, enjoyed all patients coming in, definitely connected and trying to adapt those social skills to get it in return. I miss Hawaii and my older sister.

-Grabbed dinner with danny at La Vic’s. They say that staring at your partner/ adoring them is goodm but I think it bothered him out a bit. Haha

Thursday, November 19th, 2020

-Went to zoom class. Yay for it being short so i can get an extra hour into work in, and head straight to studying.

-MS left early, I stayed late.

Wednesday, November 18th, 2020

-Oh the stress of school and getting shit done. Weird process for getting admitted into physiology, but thank goodness for a speedy process with one of the counselors. I’m getting better at managing my stress/anxiety, and being more vocal about it to the receiving in. Yay for communication skills. I feel focused, a bit bothered and low energy, but I trust everything is going to be okay.

Tuesday, November 17th, 2020

-Went to Dannys early morning since it’s lab session today dissecting a brain, and can’t do that at home. So annoyed. Luckily session was short today, but have to get my car looked at since Dr M hit my driver door.

Monday, November 16th, 2020

-Getting anxious about the possibilities with court. Yay for Attorney Ryan for accepting this pre-plea bargain. Oh what to do now due to covid. But thank goodness my therapy sessions aren’t going to waste. So total 21 months to go with a diversion program and 50 hours of community service.

-Left work with my boss telling me he hit my car- oh well, it’s all replaceable, but what a day.

Sunday, November 15th, 2020

-Saw the commons apartments in the morning solo dolo as Danny didn’t want to go. It’s really nice, but only one parking which won’t fly with Daniel. Met up with Danny afterwards and hung out before he went to work. Forgot psych test is due tonight- yay for studying all day. Boo for cold weather not making me feel motivated. I wish anatomy was just as easy as psychology.

-Noticing my anxiety and jitters regarding court aren’t going hay-wire. I feel calm, more accepting.

Saturday, November 14th, 2020

-Woke up at Danny, got ready for work at lokahi, looking forward to the baby shower afterwards.

-After going to the baby shower, it made me realize how I need to work on my communication and approach with others. I feel like i’m not as exciting as a person, and wonder what me and Danny are going to be. Blowing up on me on the way there was very weird and uncomfortable, I feel like we need to better our communication. I don’t like going to bed when I’m upset.

Friday, November 13th, 2020

-Go to work, it’s going to be a short day as my boss is leaving town, then check out apartments. Timberleaf was really nice, so are the ones in Cupertino, but realistically location has to be fair for both me and Danny when it comes to commuting to work. I’m excited for the way things are going between us.

-Had session with Dr Der bing to finish up the letter. It’s done in 15 minutes, what a relief. I have credit for next session.

Thursday, November 12th, 2020

-Attend class, study, go to work then therapy afterwards.

Wednesday, November 11th, 2020

-Woke up to Danny bringing me coffee and breakfast. Way to start my day. It’s going to be a good day.

Tuesday, November, 10th, 2020

-Woke up irritated, I hate feeling like I’m being watched by my mom all day everyday in this house. Sometimes I just want to move in silence. For 2 people in this house, unsure how our schedules tend to match on my days off-there’s so much space but I feel claustrophobic. Walked nala, had a cigarette, came back home to make breakfast, Zen out and lit up sage in my room, did some card reading action and now I’m in zoom class. I wish November 16th came sooner so I can know what to expect and how to move forward. Cards reminded me to indulge in passion more in the meantime.

Monday, November 9th, 2020

-Went to work, so freezing cold. I get irritated by MS, I don’t respect her. Had fun in the back all shift, came home, read for anatomy, took the quiz and studied. Decent productive day.

Sunday, November 8th, 2020

-Had breakfast with Danny this morning. Did take out at Los Gatos Cafe, grabbed some mimosas from Bill’s cafe. Knocked out until he had to leave early for work. I find myself getting lots of rest this whole weekend- it’s weird that it’s raining. It justifies me wanting to hibernate without any judgment.

-Went home, crammed and read for psychology. Did work, slept the night away.

Saturday, November 7th, 2020

-Left Dannys, got ready for Lokahi. Did my shift, and met up with Danny at my place as I got dinner ready. Had my massage session, he dropped me off and picked me up. I felt bad because he expressed how he wanted to relax, and that’s what we ended up doing after my massage session. Drank some wine and knocked out while netflix was playing. I feel like this is the new norm now a days with COVID.

Friday, November 6th, 2020

-Hung out with Danny after work, stayed in and relaxed with Netflix. He was supposed to go out with Chocolate, but not until he gets off at 9:30pm. I find myself wanted to isolate from others aside from Danny. He really does relax me, and I wish I can hang out with him and Nala at the same time.

Thursday, November 5th, 2020

-Great start to another day- woke up at Danny’s place, came home and tackled the majority of my homework due tonight. Did some stretches and exercises while making my morning coffee, my GI system feels like it’s functioning well. Braces also hurt less. I feel more grounded, showing appreciation for Mother Nature. Reminding myself negative thoughts and emotions are always temporary, proceed on being mindful, present, and deep breathing for relaxation. Some progressive muscle contraction exercises help with my lower extremities- awaiting to continue more of it down the road.

Wednesday, November 4th, 2020

-Woke up early, did laundry, made coffee had breakfast and prepped my lunch- very productive start to the day. Went to work, kept that productivity high with patient, videos and insurance duties. Talked to Danny on my lunch break regarding appointment time to check out an apartment, didn’t go to well, but tension, anxiety and excess feelings began leveling out once highlighting that good things don’t happen when either sides are rushed. We both calmed down. I just want him to rest when he’s off work. After work, stopped by his house and had dinner and spent the night. Had pizza, watched a movie, got a homework assignment done.

-It also amazed me how much collections were taken for month of October, staff is killing it. -Thankful for Meilani to watch Nala while I was at work. Praising myself on getting braces on, making better financial choices and have to continue spending my money wisely. Praising myself for not overindulging in pizza last night.

Tuesday, November 3rd, 2020

-Woke up, checked out Citra apartments at 8am, very nice lady showing me the tour. Connected as human beings, shared small stories, very welcoming atmosphere. Decent landscape, pretty pricey living in Sunnyvale, and made me realize how far a commute to work. Possible no.

-Had therapy session, read my letter to myself to Dr Der Bing- lots of encouragement, I praise him for guiding me through everything thus far.

Monday, November 2nd, 2020

-I feel like my emotions are high, I have a lot of work to do as far as billing goes. Trying to remind myself to take it easy and keep grounded. Focus on easing tension with MS, and continue to connect with patients and get work done.

-Trying to keep my emotions in control regarding court, as it is 2 weeks to determine what comes next. Got to remind myself to trust in the process, and believe that things will work out for the best. Always try to look at the good things in everything that comes my way.

-Still feel overshadowed and constantly being watched at home. I fiend for my own space to roam freely, without having any restrictions. Danny is right, I do feel tense around my mom and being in this household. It feels liberating to look for my own place to share with Danny.

-Didn’t do too hot in the anatomy quiz like always. Need to remind myself to study muscles ontop of whatever chapter we’re doing. Looking back the bony markings killed me, along with histology.

Sunday, November 1st, 2020

-I really enjoyed this hour back time shift for Fall. Woke up early and left Dannys place to get ready for work at Lokahi. I can’t imagine what Rachel is going through losing her grandma and attending her memorial mass this morning. I should’ve just stayed and covered the whole shift, but I mean she did have weeks to give me a heads up on coverage as the schedule is out. Got to keep reminding myself to find the good balance between work, school and play- all while achieving self-care throughout the process.

-Got off work, Danny got extremely drunk at his dad’s place, I was upset and let it be known. He expressed how he feels out of control when drinking, and gave in because it was his dad and their bonding time. Reminded me how I felt when I did shrooms and smoked marijuana in general, I don’t like feelings of being incontrol of myself.

-Brought Danny lunch and talked about my feelings, he validates them and doesn’t judge me. Our talk made me realize how serious things are getting and I’m happy about it.

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