#so all and all a really fun day! but im so tired today now lmao

[machiten]

thats my seat!

academic rival scaramouche x gn!reader headcanons

warnings: scaramouche(bro is a whole warning), foul language(it's scaramouche we're talking about here so), reader is mentioned to have bad eyesight, fights, angst, academic validation, bad parenting

barely proofread lmao im tired, it's 3:15 am and im starving. there will be a chapter 2 ofc i just wanted to post something goddamn my blog has been empty for so long (4 days) didn't have a way to keep track of the word count but it's kinda long. anyways hope u enjoy!!

oh god

when i say rival, i mean full on brawls on the school hallway

so let's say you've been top of your school since day one. your name has always been at the top of the score board every exam, always class representative, and well known as a smart kid ever since you steped on school premises.

you work hard to keep your grades up, your parents pay enough attention to your succesful brother and none for you

having a successful brother plants high expectations on you. i mean, he did very well, so why cant you? you both have the same blood running through your veins. your parent's praise, that is all you've ever wanted. and yet you're not even informed if there's a family outing, leaving you in your house alone

it has been like that for years

not until one day, you enter into the classroom and someone else is sitting in your chair. someone unfamiliar is sitting on your chair.

"hey, excuse me. i sit there." you pointed at what is supposed to be, your chair. "what, i dont see any names on it." Ok, what. when you finally look up to the culprit, my goodness. Fierce purple eyes that looks like it holds the entire universe, his skin as fair as a maiden, lips plum as a springs fruit, a beauty mark at the underside of his right eye, and his hair a unique color of indigo that is cut in a weird jellyfish-ish hairstyle. while yes, he looks ethereal, not gonna lie (if he had longer hair you might've mistaken him as a girl) his personality certainly does not match his elegance. an annoyed look currently adorned his face, as if you disturbed his peace.

"done checking me out? i know im hot, i get that look everyday so dont ever think you're special." and now it changed into a cocky smirk. the nerve! not only is he sitting on someone else's chair but it seems like his head is getting bigger too. "well excuse me, i havent seen your around school until today so im guessing that you're the transfer student our teacher talked about last week. but do you mind finding a new spot, i sit there." you glared at him.

"no i like it here. here's a better idea, why don't you find a new spot. im the new student here, show some courtesy."

"no- what, go away thats my seat!"

"alright everyone, settle down- oh, i see that the new student is here already," the teacher finally came in the classroom, cup of steaming hot coffee in his hand. Everyone sat down on their seats while you are still standing up waiting for this person to look for another seat. Lmao guess what, he didnt move.

"(name), c'mon sit down. i know getting a new friend is exiting but we have to greet the new student properly. now go find your seat."

"wait but sir--"

"sit down, (name)"

"yeah that's right (name), sit down" a voice beside you spoke. you looked over to the new student adorning a triumphant grin at your loss. and so you are now forced to sit at the back, barely seeing what's in front because of your poor eyesight, and wearing a vengeful spirit.

epic first meeting

the seats in the back are okay, its breezy and you now sit next to xiao (his music taste is so good) but yeah, you cant really see the board clearly so you get notes from mona at the front

at first, it was a one sided rivalry. how hated how rude and bratty he was and at that time, he didnt seem too care (like he get those everyday). but then he started fighting back and oh boy he hasn't had this much fun in years!

the way you retort back to his harsh words is so amusing to him. usually, no one would dare talk to him in a degrading manner but then you came into his life, claiming that he's sitting on your chair, and it was never the same ever again.

now, he looks forward to everyday. he rises up earlier so that he can sit at your chair first, he keeps looking at the classroom door everytime someone enters (in case it's you so that he can give that shit eating grin), he loves how your face gets messed up when he wins an argument, he loves how small your hands are compared to his when you have a brawl in the hallways, and most of all, he loves it when you give him the shit eating grin when you win something (he says he let's you win sometimes because he pitied you, but is it really?)

to him, this is fun, amusing, entertaining. but to you? you've never felt this much hate in a human being, ever.

scaramouche is smart as fuck and he demonstrated that loud and clear

he aced the math test that the teacher gave that wasn't even taught to him

in presentations, he speaks loud and clear and you can really understand the point he's making

he doesn't really like group works (you noticed) but if he was put in a group, he does most of the job flawlessly

sports? oh of course. he's really good at baseball (pitcher). he's also good at other sports but not as good as baseball

oh and pray that you don't get him as your opponent in debates, you will be grilled like a brisket

did i mention he sleeps in like 70% of his classes? it's not like the teachers can do anything about it. he excels in everything, at least let him sleep as a gift

the only times he would be awake is when he pulls on your strings

but of course, you're also good in all of these, that's why you both are rivals

you fight almost everyday for the top spot (and for your original seat) to the point where its a daily routine to everyone else to see you both pinching and arguing in the classroom

He doesn't have any close friends (ahem childeahem) and it's either bc ppl are intimidated by him or he just doesnt give a fuck about friends

maintaining grades is one thing, winning against him is another

you are very intellegent, yes, but you work very hard for your grades every night. losing sleep studying for upcoming quizes and making sure your projects are perfect. unlike him who doesnt even try

you havent seen him study once

and it makes you see yourself lower. you're both equally in par with your grades but thats when he doesn't even try. what happens when he takes everything seriously? what if he studies as hard as you do? where will you stand then?

but when you got 2nd place for the 3rd time this year, he took it too far

"what the hell?! this is the third time!" you looked at the results in the bulletin board expecting to see your name in first place. you studied hard, right? so then why,,,

"oh oops, looks like i did a little too well again this time. aw and i didn't even answer some of the questions because i felt bad for beating you the last two times." a snicker is heard behind you and sure enough, piercing indigo eyes is looking at yours in pure pity. "thanks i guess. are you happy now? that's three times in a row!" aether beside you is now having a deadpan expression, expecting the worst. 'alright here we go again'.

"oh yes very, you know what makes me even happier? your declaration that you're inferior to me. why do you even try anyways, it's clear to everyone that im better. you're just wasting your time burying your head in your books and notes when we both already know who's coming at the top. imagine not meeting your parent's expectations." he's now looking down on you, beating you up with words that you know damn well are true. but that doesn't mean you're not gonna fight back.

"what."

"oh you know, maybe if you tried harder, the cost of your education might be worth it for your parents. honestly, if i we're them id--"

before he could finish his sentence, a loud echoing smack is heard all across the hallway, making everyone's attention turn to the commotion. scaramouche head is now turned the other way, his cheeks beginning to flare from the hit as he glared at the culprit, you. "you motherfucking bitc-!" you tackled him and due to surprise, he fell back. aether is now alert, shouting your name trying to get you to your senses.

you gripped scramouche's collar, rasing his head from the floor and slamming it back down. "you're an asshole, you know that?! i try my best everyday and this is what i get?!!" he fights back, hand on your arm that's trying to get a hold of his hair and another on your neck, holding back your weight.

"you don't know what it's like!! you will never know what it's like being compared to your brother everytime they get a chance!! you dont know what it's like going home to nothing but words of disappointment when you did everything you can to get their approval!! you will never know what it's like for your efforts to go to waste!! you will never know the feeling of being kicked out of your own home and live in a run down apartment!! i work day and night, i lose sleep everyday, i barely have anything for myself to live, and now i have to deal with your ass every single day too?!!"

"(name)! calm down, hey-!"

"fuck off aether!"

every word you spat pricked scaramouche's heart and made him struggle from your assaults. this isn't fun anymore. he knew a bit of your situation, kazuha told him. but he never knew it was this bad. all he knew is about your parent's expectations. he didn't even attempt to fight back this time and just defends himself from your blows. 'shit, i took it too far.'

"you dont have to remind me of my incompetence! i already know, i know damn well i will never be enough!! you're right, why do i even try, right?! you're so fucking annoying, doing everything so effortlessly, like school is a nuisance!! can't i take a fucking break?!!" at this point, you cannot control your tears from falling into his cheeks, rolling down his porcelain skin.

"what are you--?!"

"why can't i be a genius like you?! why dont i have everything that you have?!! i did everything i can, what am i doing wrong?!" you are now saying intangible words that no one can decipher because of the mess of emotions you are feeling at that moment. you're about to deliver another blow when someone held you back.

"(name)! you're doing too much! thats enough!!" goddamn she is stronger than i thought, scaramouche deals with this everyday?? aether pulled you away from the tangled mess that you and scaramouche managed to create. you're struggling his hold but after a bit, you slumped down having no more strength to keep going, sobbing quietly. "...(name)?" aether said.

"...i am so tired of everything, why do i even keep trying. i.. i just want to make my parents proud..." sniffles could be heard from where you are being held my aether's arms. aether supported you from the groud and led you away from the scene and the prying eyes of other students. before you both can disappear completely, aether turned around and gave scaramouche a threatening glare. "i know you both bicker a lot but you took it too far. you are an asshole and you better change that attitude of yours or i will send you home even worse than your condition right now." and you both are gone.

scaramouche is still sitting on the floor, his arm supporting his weight, bruises are forming in his skin while he's craddling his cheek that is now very noticeably red and flaring from the slap you served him earlier. he doesn't know how to act, really. should he apologize? should he just walk away and like nothing happened? should he report you for physical abuse? he didn't know anything.

what he does know though is that he fucked up, big time. he knows that you'll never want to see his face ever again, he knows that nothing will be the same again, and he knows thag the feelings he has will never be reciprocated, after what he's done.

he actually just found out recently, when someone from the other class was making fun of you and he didn't like it one bit, he's the only one allowed to make fun of you, everyone back off. scaramouche can see the crowd dissipating, no longer interested since the main action is gone. he sat there on the floor the whole time, rethinking his life choices, wondering if he said things differently instead of those. would he be seeing you tomorrow? will you still argue with him about nonsensical bullshit? can he still hold your hand whenever you pinch him?

he heard footsteps and before he can look up, someone had smacked him in the head.

"what the fuck-!!"

"i want to say 'are you okay', but to be honest you kinda deserved that." a mop of ginger can bee seen hanging from someone's head.

"fuck off childe, and why did you smack me?!"

"because you deserve it. but y'know, it's nice having front row seats seeing you ruin your life because of that toungue of yours. aether's right you're an ass." he helped scaramouche from the floor, dusting his uniform from the filth. "ill take you to the infirmary." scaramouche can only nod, feeling lethargic after all that energy spent.

he hopes to see you the next day, acting like nothing ever happened.

part 2

[quodekash]

FUUUUUUUUUUUCKing hell theyre gonna kiss today????

hes so grumpy already I love this so much

the silent conversations chain and toey are having with their eyes oml I cant

pls this is so funny

theyre both deeply in love with someone else so it's jsut so unnatural to them

BUT ALSO id like to mention that the first thing chain did when he had to pretend to be hitting on toey was put his arm around his shoulders and rest his hand there. which is what he's literally ALWAYS doing with pun, no matter when it is, he's always standing next to pun with his hand resting on one of his shoulders

its like he associates his time with pun as being in a romantic relationship 👀

THESE FUCKIN BASTARDS 😭

JUST KISS IM BEGGING YOU

theyre lost in their own little world 🥺

kiIIIIIS

this is too funny, the cuts from "chain. chain what happened next." to ✨soulful dramatic guitar music✨

im sad they didnt actually kiss but also im not surprised

LOOK AT THEM, DUDE

THEYRE SO NATURAL WITH EACH OTHER

I FUCKIN LOVE FRIENDS TO LOVERS SO SO MUCH

half convinced theyre already dating, they just cant be bothered saying anything so theyre waiting for others to ask them about it

PUN IS SO CUTE DUDE I ADORE HIM HES FUCKING ADORABLE

I LOVE THEM SO FUCKING MUCH THEYRE SOIMPORTANT TO ME

if I ever have a romantic partner, this is what I want

I cant explain it, I just wanna run up to them with pure joy and excitement, and for them to hold me back by just pushing against my skull

it just seems perfect, idk why

GB4JHERGB

THE FRIENDSHIP OF ALL TIME

genuinely think I might be more invested in their friendship than all the romantic relationships in this show

im fucking CRYING

my king matt, this was so unnecessary and I love everything about it

why does it suit him so well tho

they should kiss again I think

I feel everything about this image on a spiritual level

THIS ENTIRE AMUSEMENT PARK SEQUENCE BRINGS ME SO MUCH JOY AND DOPAMINE IM IN LOVE WITH THSI EPUSODE

NEW COMFORT EPISODE UNLOCKED

look its really funny but I do feel bad cos this day is not even a little bit fun for him

like q is having a complete shit time

poor chain doesn't love amusement parks but he has to go on the rides with toey to keep up the facade cos toey loves these rides 😭

and its even worse realising Q also seems to love amusement parks, so he would be having a fucking amazing time if he could just go on all the rides next to Q cos they both love it so much 😭😭

fuckin FINALLY

LMAO WHAT

THIS IS SO FUCKING FUNNY I JUST SCREECHED WITH LAUGHTER SO LOUD AND ITS MIDNIGHT

THE PURE COMICAL SHOCK AS HE REALISDE WHAT HE SAID, THE EXCITEMENT FROM EVERYONE ELSE AS THEYR EALISE WHAT HE SAID

I mean to be fair it was REALLY obvious

im surprised no one noticed earlier but also its a bl so im not at all surprised to find out theyre all fuckin dumbasses

SERIOUSLY THO TANFANG IS WHAT I WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP HOLY SHIT

a lot of the time watching bls ill be like "I want that" but its usually as a joke

but THIS?? the fucking adhd bastard (me) who just wants to be near their partner and compliment and always stimming and just having a swell fucking time while the other one loves them but is mildly tired but also in adoration? FUCKIN GIMME

also how the fuck has Q not realised, theyre all so fucking obvious

also also I cant explain it it just feels deeply as though pun and chain are for real dating they just havent told anyone yet

ill make a post about it all at some point maybe (I definitely wont)

PHYSICAL TOUCH IS HIS LOVE LANGUAGE 😭😭😭

I LOVE THEM SO MUCH HE DOESNT HAVE TO HOLD HIM SECRETLY ANYMORE THEY CAN JUST WALK HAND IN ARM NATURALLY NOW

hear me out tho, this gets even funnier if he's actually already in a committed relationship that no one knows about yet

I dont think it's secret dating, it's just 'not super obvious dating to try and see JUST how oblivious all our friends are. its been three years at this point and still no one's said anything. we're starting to lose all hope.'

I love tan so much, the little wave

what the FUCK

what the FUCK FUCK???

THE SOUNDWIN LINE????

HERE IT IS ITS FUCKIN COMIN GUYS

HE SAID IT

HE FUCKIN SAID IT

[insert that gif of the crowd of people in the bar going insane]

holy fucking shit dude holy fucking shit

my legs are literally shaking idk if I can do this

FUCK TO THE YES, FUCKING EXPLICIT ASK FOR CONSENT HOLY FUCKING SHIT

WHAT THE FUCK

AND THE FUCKING SONG IN THE BACKGROUND !!!!

HOLY FUCKING SHIT DUDE

im gonna be here all day

I dont even need to watch the rest of the episode now

I can just go to bed if I want and watch the rest later or smth

dude I cant wait for q to realise that toey is milk frappe guy

HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT JUST PROCESSED IN MY MIND THAT THEY KISSED

WHAT THE FUCK

omg making out in a haunted house, what a dream

the workers watching on the security cameras probably had a blast that day

how funny would it be if there'd been a scare actor in the shadows in that room with them and they'd been about to scare them but they were too shocked with that tender kiss to remember they have a job

he needs to lie on his bed and just stare at his roof and think about that for a while

tbh same

look at him 🥺 he's so lost in that memory

thEY FUCKIN MADE OUT HOLY FUCK

welp on that note I think im done for now

I might finish the ep with my silly thoughts+screenshots later but for now tis the time for sleep

[temporarymoods]

mwah

scatch what i said on that last post. idk her. im CHILLINGGGGG!!!

MarMon today: yes I celebrated. you gotta. duh. Patriot's Day-- a Mass thing!? Hilarious.

We went to the race and yelled and screamed and cheered on at various points. Walked a bunch. Got sunburnt in that shallow way, but my nose is pink. It was pretty emotional! So proud of everyone. Kept thinking that this is kind of one of the best things humanity can do. Anyway-- B)

Got sambas, lmfao?! Trying to look like a boy. Followed by some really good pasta. and then trying to look like a girl. i went to a frat! for the first time! i got champagne on my sambas. christened. the person who clocked me as queer at the party said "christened" after i had minutes prior. yeah. a good thing

- - i know the gender thing of it is ridiculous but for some reason my soft complicated body craves that sexual weirdness between men and women and particularly these young men and women in that..disgusting atmosphere. a disgusting atmosphere. really hungry for that generalization.. it's true. im really attracted to men

other than that^ being tough,

i went DANCINGGG!!!!!1!1!11!!11!!

and I LOVED IT SO MUCH!!!!111!1

What a GREAT night!!! i can't put into words how amazing i feel even though that is why i came here...shucks. has the moment past? did i spend too much time on the queue?

My foot is sore as I type this. I came home so inspired and read up on country swing vs other kinds (I knew jazz swing was the thing, and swing dancin aint line dancin !) then i listened to a lot of good music:

Slow Dancing - Aly & AJ * total classic for me lmao. damn they have the best spotify top 5

Let's Get Married - Bill Elliot Swing Orchestra * when i didn't yet understand that i had to look up **country** swing music. now i know ;) god i cant wait to go again

-- what is it?! i think its that i really love to dance, to move my body, to try and get it right, to improve? to be good? to have fun in a choreographed way. to conform. the do the correct thing. idk

here's what i think its really about: i think i like smootheness. and i like the click of a phenomenon you can't pull a word for. and short counts. and intention. and shape. mostly shape. beat, sure, too. i like beat. i like rising to it, and not tiring. i dont know how i get so obsessed. i need to go back. that was exactly what ive been looking for for months, and what i thought i found but only got in part in the club, which i go to for the dancing, the loud music, the blindingness. but i dont contribute there. my ears are filled but the sound can only vibrate me a little. im not, swung, literally. and i cant provide energy to the space like you can witcha boots awn. so yeah, i think thats really it. dancing. i fucking love dancing. ive always fucking loved dancing. for real! really! i never got that good, yeah. but i fucking loved it thats for sure. i always wanted someone to actually teach me shit. they didnt do that enough in theatre. maybe they did. maybe i just wasnt that talented. not now though. dead. fucking. ass. just input my entire work calendar that i have access to because this shits getting real my life is mine and theres fan fucking tastic things to be doing with it.

alright...i could continue...i'll pick up the rest in my dairy ;* not gonna get too personal, phew. uhm. eh hem.

That Don't Impress Me Much - Shania Twain

Tequila - Dan + Shay

End of Beginning - Djo * lmao i got on this because i saw some interview w him online as im jamminggugghh i got sucked in. then all this happened:

Change - Djo * so much better than the one blowin up btw

Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics, etc * i looked up more songs like Change :| hahaha. then all this happened:

Lifetime - Yves Tumor

Pop Song - Perfume Genius

Here Comes the Rain Again - Eurythmics, etc

Here Comes Your Man - Pixies

Eye in the Wall - Perfume Genius

Boys - Amen Dunes * at this point my original mission is fucked. the intention's gone. i'm so far from where i started: country lovin

at the same time the joint i rolled before we went out and shared on the way home is getting its way through my system for sure. its approaching 2am, woah! full day tomorrow but not nearly as inspired at this one. this one's literally how you're supposed to live . well maybe beer not getting stolen at the bar mmmm. mhm. yeah i'll tack that on as well.

i didnt, dont, want to let go of tonight skrrreorgihveouhv!!!! uuuummm! yeah i should keep thinking about it. : ) : ) hehehehehe

Man! I Feel Like a Woman! - Shania Twain

<3 , so much ;)

Kate

[yourbittertarottruth]

Hey I would like to join your game!

Im a Virgo, dk

Idols: jaehyun nct, jungwon enhypen, karina aespa and Hanbin zb1

How would my idol spend New Years with me?

Hopefully it’s not too much

I spend my Christmas baking with my mom and just being home with my family

Hello! Thank you for joining this game! It definitely is not too much! That sounds like a really fun way to spend christmas :] How would NCT's Jaehyun spend New Years with you? *7 of Pentacles Reversed* - Ooh, it seems like his energy would be quite dedicated to working on this day? Making progress/being productive. You would distract him and try convince him to loosen up, he may feel like he'll lack the rewards and profit he would like if he gets distracted. Very busy energy, here! You might take him outside for a bit to walk around and watch the fireworks, perhaps having a can of beer or something. If you're a minor, then something non-alcoholic ofc. It would help him calm down and he would be quite thankful to you for that. You may offer some words of advice that he may not want to hear, but will benefit from in the long run from you. A very sentimental celebration! He doesn't have much to say, though, as his energy seems very busy/consumed right now. How would Enhypen's Jungwon spend New Years with you? His energy prefered not to talk, I'm sorry! If you would like, you may request another idol. He seems a bit upset, at the moment? How would Aespa's Karina spend New Years with you? *Knight of Swords Reversed* Are SM idols really stressed today or something? It seems like she'd be a bit afraid of the clock striking midnight/entering 2024. She is not ready to let go of 2023. She may spend the night clubbing with you, or going to a massive party with you. She doesn't seem to think about how this would affect her job as an idol, huge disregard for consequences. She's very unpredictable, so she may have the messiest cocktail or take part in a drinking contest. This would shock you, as she normally is very strict with herself. But on New Years Eve, she would decide to let go for just a day! She would 100% be fully wasted, you'd have to drag her all the way back home tbh. She may do some drunk rambling about wanting her group to do well in 2024, how tired she is, how much she wants to go practice so she can be better, how she wants more drinks, etc. You may end up passing out on the couch once you get to her place LMAO How would ZeroBaseOne's Hanbin spend New Years with you? *9 of Pentacles Reversed* - Eee, seems like he'd be the type to spend the day working, he seems very obsessive over his work, any mistakes he makes, etc. He would want to spend the day bulldozing over any/all setbacks. He does not want to spend the day messing around, having fun, etc. He feels like he's blocking himself and his team in terms of success and wants to be more dilligent and ambitious to help the group succeed. He wants to make it as an idol, he's hungry for it. He wants to accumulate enough money to satisfy him and his group members as well. Though, this would cost him. You would notice this and may not something this time, but next time you would ensure that this does not repeat itself and try to comfort him, telling him he's doing well, taking him out to go walk and eat something so he can relax a bit more. That's all for this reading, thank you for joining this game! I hope you're having a wonderful 2024<3

[neopuppy]

neopuppyy hiiii, my favorite person on this whole damn site, how you doinggg??? i hope you’re doing fineee. so glad you got to see the dreamies live, i saw them too and OHMYGAWD nothing could’ve prepared me for seeing them up close😵😵‍💫🫠

anywayyyyy, saw this picture on twitter and i suddenly thought of you. that’s all. have a great day🤍🫶🏼🫶🏼🫶🏼

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLO to one of my favorite readers🤗

life has been so crazy really, I always said once lockdown got lifted and NCT started touring again I’d probably leave this blog in the past but I do really like writing🥲 and its fun to share my stories with you all, but mannnnn now I understand why I said that! im tired! between working and having a life to live everyday I find myself too drained to want to stare at a screen and type, BUT IM TRYINGGGGG. its hard, I get really depressed abt things simply out of my control and don’t want to exist etc the usual, but im working on it the best I can. todays a good day☺️💚

im so happy many of you got to see them! as a fan of NCT’s since debut, it amazed me how it took 3 years for 127 to finally get a world tour……..but Dream…..nearly 8 years later, just so evil actually but SM is clearly a sinking ship. its kinda sad to see, now that my concerts have come and gone I realize how much I love them, they’re so special to me. all of the NCT units, forever grateful for them. I hope Dream have a great future from here on out, they deserve it so much!

ALSO YES…..like I have seen them up close once before but idk I’ll never get over how stunning they are inperson- WHO LOOKS LIKE THAT?!? it’s incredible, its hard to not just stare at them in awe lmao

JOHNNYYYYYYYY I MISS SEEING HIM🥹 THANK YOU BESTIE, YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY TOO💚💚💚

[bye-bye-firefly]

i said this to my friends like. i have Lost nano. as i said at the start i do not ever plan to lose ... But we cannot All be winners... but despite this im still like i did a REALLY good job. im sure everyone knows about how inconsistent my writing is like when i put out chapters and when theyre done and everything but its like 41k in a month is nothing to look over like thats really good for me. even on a good day im not writing the fucking 3k that i wrote once or the 2k i wrote at the start. i DO want to try and keep writing everyday because it wasnt the writing everyday that fucked me, it was real life shit and the holidays and work and friends and blah blah blah there is stuff OUTSIDE of writing that i have to do. i have Obligations. AND im a human person who likes to do things other than make money and write; i like playing video games and hanging out with my friends and if i dont have that socialisation time then its like. Rover

like this was REALLY great i felt like id gone back to my early days of fic writing and writing everyday like i did on propaganda and actually having like ideas and just writing and progressing the story I LOVE WRITING!!! i didnt need to be reminded how much i love writing but i did have to be reminded just how much i can DO. because sometimes you just have to sit down and say I'm going to write today and THATS IT. for some people thats harder unless theyre medicated but for me i do think i could force myself to just sit down and write. but im not writing 10k in one sitting LMAO that would burn me out and then we'd NEVER get the chapters of nameless im working on.

BUT I AM PROUD OF MYSELF. like i failed and i had fun doing it AND i have 41k words of my novel down! so one day thats going to exist and im happy with the state that everything is in right now ^_^ but i think during december as i get my work hours in im going to start time blocking and then in january, ill have to do that in both my journal and in my calendar. im actually really excited about it and i hope that if i make it a habit to set that time up for myself, i'll actually Follow Through and Do It. and then we might get consistent updates like i used to do And wouldn't that be beautiful ...

but yeah!!! im really happy about my novel and will set up time for it in my calendar when im not so super tired of writing it because thats all ive been writing this month 😭

[calechipconecrimes]

ok we begin. btw you dont have a .tumblr.com and thats pretty cringe maybe get that worked out worstie.

anyway we start with the

✨ fabulous killjoys ✨

they're the main characters of the ALBUM danger days. also referred to as the fab four. they are members of the larger group simply called the killjoys, played a key role in the analog wars (we'll get to it) and take care of the girl (we'll get to her) the fab four's whole deal is eloquently described by straengeaeons as "they hate capitalism and blow stuff up about it." they're portrayed by the members of mcr in the music videos so ill go ahead and introduce them to u now since their names are decently important going forward we got

party poison - leader of the fab four, he's the only one to have two different masks (the whole masks thing we'll get to later), both pictured above, the second ones called the mousekat store that in ur brainhole not really sure if i'll mention it later. also definitely the one im going to write the most about because spoiler alert these idiots die in like 10 minutes and they dont have a ton of personality to go off of unless you wanna start theorizing hard and i dont feel like that right now

jet star - helpfully labeled for your convenience

fun ghoul - you can't see it well but his mask is like....a really shitty party city zombie mask.

kobra kid - i think its pretty widely accepted fanon that he and party poison are brothers since they're portrayed by mikey and gerard in the music videos. neat.

alongside the fab four we got some other important people (im also going to start using comic panels for these guys cuz the fab four dont have any great comic pictures)

korse - he works as a s/c/a/r/e/c/r/o/w for BLind (better living industries) who have basically taken over the world or at least north america to our knowledge. their capital in a sense is battery city. dont think i mentioned it but this all takes place in post apocalyptic 2019 (the album came out in 2010 ok) around where la is today. anyway back to korse scarecrows are basically really deadly assassins and hes a bit silly. slightly murderous. its ok though he's gay and gets a redemption arc.

dr. death defying - he shows up a bit in the mvs but the pics arent great so im just using comic. hes a dj and has close ties to the fab four, also is vaguely possibly omnipotent? hes a veteran of the analog wars and all around chill great guy. love dr d.

cherri cola - also a dj, has this like. chill uncle energy that matches dr ds very well. really wants to be a dad like so bad. he was a part of the og killjoys with the fab four but didnt die with them and has a little tiny bit of survivors guilt abt that. just a smidge. i like him hes cool

the girl - she doesnt have a name lmao just the girl. very important small child, she's like 6 at the time when the fab four die. her mom was like the leader of the resistance group the killjoys were part of during the analog wars and party poison at least believes that she's going to save them all someday. also the comic panel is her when shes like 16 hence the fact that she looks violently different

the director - shes the head of BLind so like. very evil. but shes also kinda hot so i forgive the capitalism and the war crimes. uhhh other than that there's draculoids which are these guys with the masks

the masks basically mind control ppl to make them BLinds personal cannon fodder im kinda tired so i might continue this later and actually get into plot but other than stuff i want to talk abt later im pretty sure thats all you'd need to get into the mvs at least

so this is a whole thing huh

[dogydayz]

SPOILERS FOR SONIC FRONTIERS AHEAD!!!!

So i was playing Frontiers for a few hours today- okay most of the day actually. But like, i nearly fucking cried already??? And im not even at the end??????? Im at the last island though. It physically pained me seeing his idle animations slowly start to show him more and more tired, and how he looks in cutscenes too. The whole Tails quests have left me REALLY hoping we might get a Tails game, like one literally just based on him and his own independent adventures and shit like that. That'd be such a neat way to build off of what Frontiers has set up for him! The brotherly relationship between Tails and Sonic makes me so fucking happy too man,,, Like god fucking damn it, SONIC CALLS HIM "LITTLE BRO" LIKE THEY'RE ACTUALLY JUST BROTHERS,,, I played a lot of the fishing minigame stuff with Big and it made me really want a post-game DLC where you can keep the fish you catch if you wanna and like.... put em in a fishtank or smthn, like a really BIG fishtank that you can decorate and shit, and you could buy decor and details + space for it with the tokens you get (because infortunately it seems that Big's fishing spot stuff has little purpose after the story is finished). On the fourth island, Rhea Island, I nearly started to fuckin cry i was hit with so many emotions. The Ancients having to leave then being destroyed in the end, Sonic's idle animations showing the worst of his condition, the corruption taking over him more and more each tower.... AND GOD. FUCKING. DAMN IT. You start off the island before the first tower and are in a MASSIVE FUCKING FIELD OF LAVENDERS. Afaik that's one of the only places in the game with a lavender field???? So now im just begging SEGA to make the Twitter Takeover stuff about Shadow liking lavenders canon by referencing him in that area, like.... if you go back there after the story (since having Sonic randomly mention Shadow while he's about to fuckin keel over would probably ruin the moment entirely lmao). LIKE COME ON. It's SUCH a pretty spot too you better fuckin believe I'm gonna draw art of Sonic bringing Shadow to the Starfall Isles post-story and shit like that just to show him the fields and the sights. You absolutely know I am. The game overall just has such good fucking MUSIC!!! I'm like 90% certain that every mini-boss (big crazy battle enemy) has its own entire battle theme, which is ABSURD. There's none of the eventual monotony that BotW unfortunately ended up having, the enemies on every island differ AND they have features to them that actively prepare you for what you'll have to do in the future with the bosses and Titans. The game design, sound design, controls, designs.... It's all just so fucking amazing I can't even explain it properly. Every goddamn time I ran into another boss I'd be like "the fuck is this thing" and have to learn "new" mechanics that had ALWAYS been there, yet I'd just never used before. The world is INTERESTING, it's FULL and FUN to explore! That was one of the fanbase's biggest fears when the game was first announced, that the world would be empty and boring due to how Sonic needs space to go fast properly, but holy FUCK they nailed it!! They actually did it!! There are so many small locations that are just so beautiful. I really am excited for that future photo mode update, that's gonna be such a blast auuughh!!! I really hope they continue to add more through DLCs as time goes on. While I'd KILL for a "Dark Expansion" DLC that adds in Rouge and Shadow (or even Omega as a secret borderline OP playable character lol), I know it probably wouldn't be able to work into the story so I doubt it'd happen? Would be fun though, to get to explore as different characters during the post-game, hell maybe even have some characters explore together and interact in various locations somehow.... I wonder if someone would end up modding that or some shit lol. But yeah, the game is fantastic and I'm going crazy over it, I just hope we do get some good stuff for the post-game, even if in the future.

[jadedrrose]

Hi Heather<3, how are you doing?

Let me ask you something since you are the only one i dare to ask so.. yess😭

What do you think about minors interacting in these adult things, ik it's bad and not a good thing but yk what i mean right?? However we give the warnings, minors are always there tho. Btw Im 18 since last February. But before that, i knew about these things for a long time and i once read a fic with some major characters and the writing is bad. I thought it's cringe so i stopped reading.That was 2 years ago so since i was 16 tbh. I hate to admit it but I've been reading some adult manwha/manga for like 1 year or else im not sure. I'm definitely not a minor rn but whenever i saw the creator's warning, the "minors do not interact!", i feel like im committing a crime lol. I asked you because i thought everyone has a phase like this or am i the only one?? May be im a criminal lmao.

I'm sorry if my English isn't good enough.

I’m doing good!! Kinda tired today but that’s me always lol

My thing with it is, I can’t really stop anyone from doing anything lol. What I’m more concerned about is kids who are like 11-14 finding it (because I did when I was that age), and it just kinda gives them a very unrealistic idea about these things, can make them more vulnerable to stuff, etc. Like high schoolers do those things irl, and I’m very aware of it due to the fact I’ve not once in my life had a bf and everyone around me was bragging about not being a virgin anymore. So while I’m like, they shouldn’t interact with adult content, it’s also probably very unlikely that they have no idea what it is at that point in their life. Or even more likely they’re the one with irl experience while they’re reading something written by a virgin (me).

And honestly, I’d rather find out someone is reading fake things about their favorite characters instead of having a porn addiction (at any age really, though I would shut it down either way if it was a younger teen.)

Idk, maybe that’s a controversial opinion to have, but it’s the most realistic one I think? Everyone’s gonna do what they wanna do. And I’m not gonna sit here and lie and say I was a perfect little angel and avoided all smut fics until I turned 18 lol. BUT, I never once interacted with anyone, or talked about it with anyone other than my friend (who is a literal day older than me). And I seriously doubt everyone on this app can say that they did avoid it until 18.

Another thing that does bother me though are the minors on tiktok posting about those things. I have 13-16 year old girls arguing in my comment section over who likes Law more, and almost all of their usernames are something like “Law’s slut”, “Law’s mommy/milf wife”. Tbh I might be more concerned about those people than anyone stumbling into fics. Getting into full blown arguments over a fictional character is VERY unhealthy and just looks ridiculous to anyone else.

Anyway… I’m only 19 so even now I sometimes feel like I’m not old enough for it, but really I feel like I’m not old enough for literally anything. And the fact that people who don’t know me irl assume I’m 15 is… making it worse 😭 I think I need an obvious tattoo or something LMAO.

But I’m glad you were comfortable enough to ask me about it! I know sometimes I may scream angrily into the void on here but I do want everyone to feel welcome and have fun on my blog! So thank you <3

[dykefever]

laura hiiiii hiii heyy seeing you post about wanting asks is like omigosh i get to fangirl !! those celebs have NOTHING on when dykesiriusblack says send me things actually actually im knocking through w chocolate and w a hii and w a how are youuu tell me about wet leg !! how was thatt nd the art galleries and honestly everything else !! keep reading yr posts like yr on so many little adventures everyday like yr on tour i love it i love you tell me things <3333

HI LAYLA hi!!!!! the chocolate is soooo delicious and whenever YOU come in my inbox it’s the best day ever i giggle and twirl my hair like omg :-) wet leg was SO good they sound really cool live and rhian’s voice is brilliant which you don’t get to hear as much on the record compared to live imo! the moshing was WILD tho like really intense but still fun !!

under the cut cause this got long n i added some pictures hehe

art galleries are SLAY im having so much fun just walking around looking at stuff and like ?? seeing world famous paintings too?? but also just all the work i’m seeing is incredible AH i saw birth of venus today and i saw the kiss in vienna seen john singer sargent and van gogh and just yeah it’s so cool !!

i feel like i am doing so many things all the time which is like wild and super fun there is always so much to see and do and people to meet n stuff. like it’s a pretty unforgettable experience!! i am tired tho and i cried the other day when i couldnt insert a twenty euro note into the laundry machine thing and reception wouldn’t give me change <3 little things build up and become v overwhelming in a way they wouldn’t at home lmao BUT yeah overall having the time of my fucking life and drinking delicious wine and too much beer bc it’s cheap! tell me how you’re doing please right now that’s a demand !! xxxxx

here is birth of venus and the BOMB ass carbonara +caprese i ate last night and statue of david (he was incredible?? was not expecting to be like. so mesmerised by him. which is bold of me frankly!)

[sqtzworld]

its that time of the night again.

its 4 am, the eepiness is calling me but the voices are louder so ive come on here to rant abt shuake instead of doing smth productive like drawing❤️ i waste away ranting abt shuake on tumblr to drown out my sadness and overwhelming nostalgia at random times of the day, how wonderful!

i did one of those song association annotation thingies to capable of love by pinkpantheress (she’s so queen may i add) and it got me thinking so much about shuake and just as of late ive been thinking of them bc schl is ending so i finally have time to replay and play the games like p3 or tactica and q1/2 and be able to focus my time on them and also bc im seeing a psychiatrist very soon from now! which makes me think abt shuake a lot bc they are like. HUGE projection dolls for me and i think on that.. quite often especially akechi since he’s the main one for me, the one more personal to me. i think abt his bpd and mentally unwell brain quite often (lol) and i think the way their love is is just very fascinating to me.

i guess its nice or interesting i guess, to see the way i feel and view love be shown in a character so out of the blue. the way akechi’s love is for akira can be viewed this way and again, i think it’s all very interesting. i love shuake so much for this reason and what i wanted to talk about mostly today is how much they truly mean to each other. This is one thing i hate ppl in fandom spaces for bc they always manage to find SOMEWAY to ruin any nuances anything COULDVE had (ik atlus did not try past queerbaiting lmfao) and i hate how to anyone else not apart of these spaces but aware of them just sees anyone talking abt a ship and specifically any popular gay ship and is so quick to assume like wait i actually care lol 😭 and i bring this up bc i really love to view their characters like akira and akechi’s characters individually through the shuake lenses and perspective. tbh i dont really care for persona outside of them and obviously a few other things of course but shuake is the real reason why im even fixated on that game still in the first place so of course, naturally i will focus on this.

i love to think on how akechi subconsciously views akira in his head. i like to interpret akechi as just a nerd girlboy who has a little crush and all the fun cutesy things abt being a teen or whatever 😆 i think that’s all so cute and fun for him and i believe its so him and i love to view him as the teen he is, the child inside of him that’s ridiculous and goes off for hours ranting about his favorite things repeating himself over and over until he tires himself out or the lovey dovey part of him that thinks about akira in random parts of his day and cant stop giggling and smiling at a simple text yk like all the cutie things ☹️ it doesn’t remove nuance and it doesn’t remove character bc thats how teens act, obviously not as stereotypical as i described but that’s how ridiculous we are sometimes! and i love to think on how he views all these big horrible issues in a simple lenses.

doing the song associations with so many taylor songs and then a pink one really reminded me of this bc of the fact that taylor’s (OLD) lyrics are just so serious and more “mature” and i mostly mean folklore and evermore bc im talking abt cardigan specifically rn (that song is just so akechi im sorry) to now doing capable of love bc pink’s lyrics are simple! not bad just obviously more simple so i get to really view akechi in these lenses. I get to have that minute of writer relief even if he isnt my character but yk wtv ig😞 anywhoanywho, again, i love to view akechi in a simple lenses as the simple teen girl he is, its fun and why particularly? bc i personally feel it adds so much more depth to their dynamic. akechi has. ALL these problems going on, akira does too but they still make time for each other and ik i dont focus on akira much (im so fake lmao) but he plays into this just as much! although the council of the world has decided for him he must save it not them, he still makes friends with the enemy and enjoys their time together as if none of that wouldve mattered. he still loves unconditionally like if nobody was going to take that all away from him someday and i think thats so beautiful.

akechi still loves akira so much as if they really were together and akira loves him just the same. akechi is going through all these problems mentally and on the outside but still that child part of that craved love and connection/affection seeps through and overtakes him and his emotions, allowing his crow persona to like be free ig? and of course, that was not the only reason i like to think that it couldve been a part, even a teensy part bc again, they are just kids in love lmfao (so cringe) and yes, it is going to be cringe and a bit ridiculous BUT ITS SO SERIOUS YALL DONT UNDERSTAND

the way im not even done unpacking 25 PERCENT OF THEM YET there’s just so much depth that can be added to their connection, i love them they are so cringe-friendly i hate atlus but god bless shuake frfr 🙏🙏 but i just wanted to highlight this a bit bc i felt like i didnt enough in the insta story and tbh still but yk, to get some of it off my chest. i love gay people i can project on always a great flavor im off to my cave of inner thoughts now hopefully i knock tf out ❤️

[kaidenshenandoahknapp]

this was an absurd amount of effort for what was ultimately an offhanded-joke but i needed to procrasinate lmao

if you watched @henrykathman's "Melody of Moominvalley" stream, (hi, hello, i made the thumbnail art, that was a cool surprise to see in my sub-box lol) Kathman made a comment about being glad no one has made him into a Moomintroll (or Snorktroll, i guess) because he thinks he would look like Snork

i had two thoughts in reply to this VOD:

that's probably because i would assume most video-essayist are on the spectrum of Hemulans (oversimplification: academics) to Teety-Woo/Woodies (oversimplification: big fans, arguably obsessive). you're probably more of a Hemulan? based on how you present yourself in videos? idk, i dont know you in your personal life lmao Hemulan just seems likely considering the hobby being so analytical (and also is easier for me to look at the different styles of since Woodies seem to have less general rules towards their appearance. and Teety-Woo is the only one of its kind that i know of, idk what is Teety-Woo's species and what is Teety-Woo's individuality there. but, like, that's not nearly as fun as my bullshit quiz lmao)

fucking bet

*: assets in not-gif form below Read More

(psa: please do forgive me for misspellings. i am dyslexic and will probably edit this repeatedly for quite some time, but im tired atm so Now It Is Posted)

anyway, i whipped all these up in about 2 or 3 days? idk, my chronic health issues have been a monster lately, its hard to keep track of days rn

but i made:

comics Moomintroll/Snorktroll

90s Moomintroll/Snorktroll and Hemulan

Tales From Moominvalley inspired illustration art of Hemulan where it has those lifeless "bug eyes with tiny pupils" style i love (but that i also understand why Jansson went back and gave them bigger pupils after a certain edition, and drew with more expressive eyes after a while)

why did i do three different styles + 3 different species? because i was torn on which to do and ended up pulling a classic Kaiden-Shenandoah and going "ill do more work and let them choose which one they like best". something something anxiety, i dont know what to tell you, im trying to learn self-acceptance lmao besides, it was fun to do a quicker shuft through style changes than the usual heavier studying i make Google Images help me do

speaking of, i dont often share my references because i worry about clutter, but i want to include it today and i also used less ref than usual, so you get clutter lol

(i learned last time that Tove Jansson doesn' often draw mugs; so i did my best guesses based on the references here + the result of my references the last time i drew in Jansson' style, which was more so her later novel-illustrations, if i remember right, as opposed to today. lots of best guesses today.)

first of all, i guessed on Kathman's eye-color based on zooming in and it was too pixelated to tell for sure even with the eyedropped tool. secondly, very fun tying in the blue hair dye since 90s Snork has a pink edge to his hair and Mr Hemulan has a green edge to his. last of all: i made them with (and without) a light beard/stubble, since i saw Kathman has one now. but also that was enirely guesswork on my part: Tove Jansson drew heavy-duty moustaches/beards or completely facially-hairless characters, no in-between. so i used educated guesses on how to adapt that. and i feel a bit like i did the male version of that one Snorkmaiden lipstick comic for my efforts lmao but hey! i tried!

my only thing is idk which set to upload to instagram, bc doing all the assets of with/out facial hair feels oddly excessive and maybe goes past instagram's images-per-post limit, idk, ill upload these there someday i guess. really wish instagram would let me post a gif but idk how to do that. c'est la vie

you also may notice one of the Hemulan sets includes a magnifying glass. i just thought it was thematically appropriate for someone analytical, especially since one of my references above did have it available for me to also reference lol

as a fun detail, i did a more Police Inspector color palette for the 90s Hemulan design, and a more Moominpappa palette for the 90s Moomintroll/Snorktroll designs. hence why those colors aren't the same

and the last thing is that i made the comic assets yellow-y to reflect the aging of paper and the quality of the photo references i have. (Henry Kathman, if you want to edit them to be white for the aesthetic of something, feel totally free)

here's all the assets i made in total. the gif version felt the most succint but yeah. also, Henry Kathman, if you are reading this: same rules apply. feel free to use these in anything you want, credit would be nice. (also, very sweet that you saw my name change away from my childhood nickname, i appreciate that 🫶). credit in the future can be to either here or my instagram (which i changed to match this hyphen-less url, since tumblr terminated my last blog for unknown reasons) i hope you are not upset that i went against your wishes of gratitude that nobody had drawn you as a Moomintroll/Snorktroll, but i hope the fact that i think you don't look like Snork even as a Moomintroll/Snorktroll helps. i hope you also dont mind the Hemulan additions lmao. but yeah, i wont blame you if you prefer the more human (or arguably Mymble? idk species) style i did beforehand in the last batch and don't use these. that one has way more references with lots of drafts and this is more of me messing around and finalizing the first draft i made each time around lol but i think they came out fun! very silly distraction, thanks for the idea lmao

thanks to Henry Kathman for the fun VOD and the much-(un)needed procrastination excuse. it was a good distraction from a pretty bad flare-up in my disability and a full plte of things to do that i needed an escape from. hope youre having a great day!

[dasheal]

Day Two of Many- my brain too loud

Phone vacation day two here... whew. I'm fucking tired. I usually need to watch youtube videos to fall asleep.. ya girl was up until two in the morning until I finally caved and watched some random video lmao. Out like a light. I'm sure it'll get easier but right now I'm not having a ton of fun lol

Like I wrote yesterday, I've allowed myself music but the negative to that is when its quiet my brain just re-runs one sentence or two of a song over and over again. Once I catch that I'm doing it I try to stop and my brain just won't quiet. Even saying "quiet" in my head sounds so loud? I think meditation is in my future, to try to get my brain to just shut the fuck up for a bit.

Even thought its only day two, I already look forward to writing this. It makes me think I need notebooks around so I can write down my thoughts whenever. Not that they are very interesting, but I seem to like writing it down none-the-less.

I'd rather not make these posts too long, as I'm sure even I'll get bored of reading it sometime in the future. But today was good and bad and I wanna talk about it. It was almost like a high to try to be as present as possible, and make my every move with intention. Well, specifically in regards to my phone right now. I always need some sort of intention when I do something on it. I allowed myself to watch a Drew Gooden video today because it was about a dopamine fast(similar to what I'm doing) and it had been on my mind since this morning. My intention was to hopefully learn something from the video.

But... is it okay to watch a video just because I enjoy it? No other intention? Isn't that what sort of got me into this mess in the first place? I mean, 30 minute long youtube videos are different than something like Tik-Tok... right? Maybe if I make sure to focus on the youtube video as something that interests me, something I can watch by itself and not have to be doing something else in the background.

Drew said something about how he wonders if in twenty years we will look back and feel really depressed about how we spent our 20s and 30s since we are all internet/phone obsessed. I already feel that way, I'm 23 and I haven't really done anything all that interesting in a long time.. Like learn an instrument, a language, go take a class just cause its something i want to do.... I just come home and sit on my phone, or play overwatch or pokemon or watch youtube videos and then the day is gone and im never going to get it back. alright well now everthing is gonna be lowercase cause i aint wanna fix whats above.

im glad that today is over and im looking forward to the future. not tomorrow tho. very much not looking forward to tomorrow

[classicsweetness]

honestly I've fallen into a really strong depression rut (again) and my relationships are in the dumps. idk how much more i can take and tbh i don't want to deal with anything else. i hate myself for not being good enough for anyone, hate myself for not being smart enough, funny enough, cute enough, interesting enough, just - not enough. I can’t help myself but to question the things that have happen in my life, that somehow, if those things didn’t happen then I wouldn’t be just what I am today, that I could’ve been a better person, with a better life, better environment, better surroundings, better mindset with a clear vision of the future which clearly I don’t have right now. whenever i remember mama & papa, it feels like the wounds are all freshly cut again, that the wounds that i have been aiding and forcefully trying to heal were all scraped up once again. srsly, grief isn’t fun, at all. it’s like a never ending process and it’s tiring me too much already, i’m at edge now. it always feels like i am back at square one, when i feel like i am already making progress, bad things would levitate again and will ruin my so-called ‘progress’. I've spent so long convincing myself I'm fine and it really hit me just how far from the truth that is. im not okay, i never was and I probably won't be for a while. i don't want to worry anyone because im not in the habit of doing that to people I care about (not that there's many left anymore ngl). it gets even worse when i am at it, having panic attacks, having emotional breakdowns, and all; and it would hit me like damn dude i actually don’t have anyone to run to. what can i say, i am not close nor open to any of my family members. i got so used to not being honest with what i am feeling, what is happening in my life, what am i currently experiencing. it’s makes me more sad that i just have to keep this all to myself, and it’s heavy, the weight of it all is already drowning me. i feel so sad that no one understands me the way i wanted to be understood. but i do not take that against the people that surrounds me (even if i really wanted to) bcos at the end of the day, it’s not a job for them to do that thing for me. tbh i am really near to ending everything all off. this just doesn’t affect me mentally and emotionally anymore nor my future that i meticulously planned in my head but it also affects me physically already; my head is pounding everyday, i never get to have a decent sleep, i am so scared of sleeping bcos i’m afraid i might not get to wake up anymore (but then again, that should be better, right? to die in my sleep lmao). i just, can't keep lying to everyone and myself and keep it inside because that's not healthy and it won't be good for me. I hate myself so much lately and the more I ignore it the worse it's got, to the point where im seriously considering dropping out of college, moving out of my house (and family if possible) and just going somewhere where nobody has to put up with me. god, i really wish I would of taken the jump all those years ago and ended my pathetic life so I wouldn't be a waste of oxygen any longer than I needed to be. fuck this. i can't even explain how much it hurts to be sitting here in my room alone and knowing that nothing is truly okay, and it breaks my heart that i even got to this point again. i just don't want to be alive anymore and it's getting so hard to keep pushing on even when i have no fight left in me.

[amaiuna]

when you don't have anything better to do = open tumblr

or, ahem, i'm just chilling at work atm 😂😂 and that pic is the only ff pic i have in this work laptop (back from the new year fortune event \o/)

hhhh i miss being able to play games randomly on weekdays :c altho playing at night after work isn't anything bad, but it just feels limited still. and feels like more than half of those limited times, i've spent in helping people progging/clearing raids 😂 still lots of fun~

today, the new ultimate (omega) will be released, and i still have no intention of ever trying any ultimate fight because my casual ass will suffer and my static will suffer even more l m a o

anyway... ff stuff has been the same as usual, since i can't really play much. now on to the other, more irl related stuff..................... boys.

boys.

boys be bad LOL

(kinda weird actually ranting here cos you'll never know when one of them will somehow get access to this blog and then realize "o fuck that is about me" HAHHA)

altho in all honestly i dont really care 😂

lets just say.. so far some stuff has been... distasteful....... and its even more than 1 guy at around the same time lmao rip (not in the dating multiple guys ofc, the step before that.) the idea of dating itself is not bad, its always welcome. but. but. o boi, so many cringes happening these days.. i can only pray for the best oof too tired to waste extra energy.....

(and oh gosh please someone put him on the right track again cos im not gonna do it--not enough fucks given 😂)

okay... enough about boys problem. still contemplating whether i'll go back to tonberry next month or not hm. cant decide yet, cos i do feel both option (staying / transferring) are good enough hm. we shall see

[maxxieal]

Day 1

[ 1/1/2023 ]

Today is a new me, changing my personality i didn't like. Like being too loud, laughing too much and chatting too much, i wanna be so quiet for a while.

Somehow, i feel off about them and i don't know why. This feeling is same as what happened last December 2021 too like staying away from everyone and stay to that special friend who's been there for you all those times. I wanna be with her too, i wanna enjoy those times we can't do due to pandemic. I ain't comfortable with my "friends" right now, it's just i can't vibe with them. Sometimes they rely on me which is tiring too, why always me? I really regret to be with you guys when we became a trio like my life become hell. Why the fuck i helped you for that? WHY THE FUCK NA TINULUNGAN KITA, IPAGTANGGOL KITA? FUCK THIS SHIT , WHY IM WITH YOU GUYS ? I WISH I WILL HAVE A CHSNCE TO GO BACK IN TIME SO I CAN RESTART EVERYTING I MADE A MISTAKES.

Im a type of friend who gets tired with all of your shit.. too:(

I kept overthinking.. mostly of him.. Im being uncomfortable and annoyed for some reason. Istg, if i didn't answer him i'll never be in relationship again. ITS TOO ANNOYING TO UPDATE EVERY SINGLE THING IM DOING, CAN YOU JUST FUCKING TRUST ME? CANT YOU SEE IM TRYING TO HAVE FUN WITH MY RELATIVES AND MYSELF TOO!? HOW IMMATURE YOU ARE WHEN YOU ARE OLDER THAN US? Bro you aew almost 2 years away from being an 18 years old yet you still act like a fucking child. All i want for this vacation is to enjoy my life alone without any classmates of mine in this school. All i want is my old friend and my family in this break. And not all the time i have time with y'all shits so get the fuck outta here and let me have my peace.

Anyways so, i still want to drink but wala ng beer 🥲 This was the beer btw, it taste like a softdrink. Inubos ko isang bottle but this bubbles there? I accidentally did smthng i didnt know, i was quietly enjoying it lmao

About Kpop, PLEASE LMAO GALAW GALAW NAMAN JAN KASI PUTCHA NA DRA-DRY AKO . Please bring back the old me na super addict sa phase na to even sa Anime lmaossosiso

But is this the sign na.. am i getting older? Like... there's a time na i wanna.. nvmd

I also finished Alice in the borderland S1 so in S2 , im already on ep 3 or 4 ig? I forgot cause i feel like im gonna throw out in any minute rn 😭 Btw, bye. HWHAHAHAH

Edit :

So i already finished the whole series right after 4pm , Its was so good! I cried at the end though, the only thing i could say is every person cards is so damn insane! unlike the number cards. ITS FUCKING INSANE THOUGH, Thanks god to Usagi , she's the best! She knew Mira manipulating Arisu to quit the game so she did her best to tell him na don't listen to her. Bitch this Mira is getting on my nerve like SHE SO ARTE WHEN SPEAKING AND SHE EVEN PINAHAHABA UNG KWENTO DI PA DIRECT TO THE POINT. I WANNA STUB HER TO DEATH LMAOEJSIWBJSJA.

After i finished the whole series, lets move to the other point. I opened up to my mother earth since i really don't want to feel nervous eh, i wanna end everything to the both of my friends hahaha, but need ko talaga makisama 'til the end hahahhaa.

I also tell that na he is courting me, but i don't want though. I find something i don't like haha, it feels like he can't do anything what i wanted to achive for life. So i'll be independent and not leaning to others though, men is shit btw hwhauwhwh.

I realize its not worthy to be in relationship so fast, its so kadiri na somehow. Im making him hate me for that shit