#so i canNOT concentrate on anything else atm

[studentbyday]

I knew it!! Iiiiiiii knew it!! AMA cites in order of appearance which means I need to reorder my references bc for SOME REASON zotero orders them alphabetically instead!!! (And i added more to a previous section bc i felt it made it more "complete" but now i have another citation, which disrupts ALL MY SUBSEQUENT CITATIONS, why thank you for punishing me for doing my research this way, stupid citation styling!!)

😾😾😾

ok to be fair, AMA and Vancouver citations and others like it are my favorite from a USER's perspective. it's terrible to have to write using it.

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "How can you reach your dreams"

take a breath and choose the photo/number that calls you the most to read a message on what you may be called to do to reach your dreams.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. remember also that things and energies may change for you in the future and you're the author of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3

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pile 1

Your energy now feel drained and overwhelmed, please take a breath. It feels like you've been tilting at windmills for a long time without understanding what is going on and just wasting all your energy. I think there's something involving a past experience or a childhood situation you need to recall and find out more about. It could be anything, for some even a dream you had or a physical sign like an itchy finger (but it seems your intuition will let you know about what it is specificually -being a collective reading I cannot be more precise). It may be causing you some overthinking or negative self talking (more likely: you may be listening to outside voices or you have made them yours now, but they're not your own voice as they only try to bring you down) which are kinda blocking you atm. There's probably a related and repressed fear that needs to be healed and taken under control before you can actually be more concentrated on working on your dreams and achieve them. There's a huge need to take control over your emotions so that they won't sabotage you at the wrongest time: especially cause some of you may be offered something, like an occasion or anything, and you may turn it down out of fear even if it's your dream. So trust your guts and go inside. Be brave and fear not, devils aren't bad, they're just scared (more than we are). If your dream is mostly career or school related, you're gonna be able to work on it (especially if it's a creative career) and be very successful. But it's the same if you dream about a relationship or anything else really. You have something particular about you, something that nobody else has, so remind yourself that this is what you need to work on and this is your biggest value so trust when others see it don't play down yourself. There can also be something you used to not be scared about (or actually even love) in your past but you kinda grew insecure about (cause society or family didn't approved that: e.g. any creative endeavour). Just don't worry if you don't know what it is yet: it will get to you the moment you try to calm your mind and focus on something you enjoy doing (or enjoyed when you were a kid or even just a year ago, but you couldn't follow/work on it properly). A change in your fate is coming in strong, you have nothing to worry about. Just take control of your fears and self sabotaging habits (especially the hidden unconscious ones that pop up out of our control: like when you turn down an invitation you may even would like to join in fear of someone else not liking you, disappointing another person or pretending you are too tired -I said pretending: remember to always connect with your inner self before making a decision and pondering about what you really want to do. We always rush to conclusions and answers but many times those are dictated by habits or what we think we may want, not what we really want. Take your time, there's no need to rush for an answer, the other person can wait a few minutes, you can tell them you need a couple of minute more to decide) and go where you want to go. Success is yours, don't fear you won't ever achieve it cause it's already in you. "It's time to grow into your beautiful self, it's time to shine your light".

songs: butterfly | bts; the arc | godevil godevil

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pile 2

Pile 2, you're curious and really want to know what's going on. Maybe you haven't a very clear dream either, only an idea, you mostly want to explore. The energy is the one of a kid laughing and running in a field. My heart is full. You're dreamy too, like a child. But also kinda passionate too... Okay, there's something specific that may attract you, but you probably haven't decided yet if that's your dream. I think you can basically manifest anything you want or are passionate about, and be successful at it. You only need to detach from the result. By this I mean something like: make your wish, try to manifest it the way you rather or you know it can work for you, and then let it go. The Universe will bring it to you. A little bit like pile 1 but on a different level, you're the only thing that can come between you and your dreams: your fear of not getting what you want because you cannot see immediate results or signs about it in the 3d. It's a matter of timing, and trust. What it is for you will come to you, what you dream about will arrive in your life: probably not when (or how) you decide. Come to terms with this, learn to trust the Universe and its magic, and keep on dreaming as when you were a kid and waited for Santa to bring you gifts. It works the same. Did you keep asking everyday for your wish or did you only write it on the letter and then patiently waited for Santa? (or if you never celebrated Christmas, think about any other similar occasion like your birthday or any other celebration) I know this time you don't have a specific timing to wait for, but maybe growing up means that we need to pass to a tougher level and in this case it can be about not having a specific timing. Give it a try. Trust. And believe. Most of you may be dreaming of a relationship (of any type), but I'm specifically getting a lot of romantic and sweet vibes tbh. A dream-relationship. Maybe you're trying to be secretive about it in fear that speaking about it it may be slipping away from you; or you may be feeling like you need to visualize it or write about it very specifically and your person needs to tick all the boxes: I need to remind you that sometimes relationships may not be perfect once we're in or look perfect at a first sight (or even our partner may be different from what we imagined), but we can make them perfect as long as both the parties involved are open, vulnerable and willing to communicate and be working on bettering themselves and finding a middle ground: so try to focus on you and how to be welcoming of the energy you feel right. Don't be too picky: I mean, are you really checking all the possible boxes you're asking for the other person? If yes, well good for you, but if not, maybe you can start working to get there for you first before asking someone else to be that perfect. Ofc, don't even enter a relationship with someone you don't like at all or that feels toxic, trust your intuition on this... just be open to the fact that it may be a different type of movie or book from the romantic ones you like to watch, but still a very worthy one. Don't say no just cause this person doesn't like nuggets as you do -js ofc).

songs: sleep | i will i swear; in my arms | kylie minogue

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pile 3

Pile three I think you mostly need a confirmation, cause you already kinda know what you need to do. Okay, you may still get doubts here and there and start overthinking, but you already have a clear call for you about your dreams. You need to be more stable to give birth to your many desires. It's mostly about... yeah you sometimes encounter obstacles on your path, and start doubting that that's your true path. But sometimes we have to encounter obstacles on our path just to be tested about how confident we are in ourselves and how sure we are about what we want. How much we want the things we want. It doesn't have to be a bad sign: that's mostly our fears taking over, cause negative signs are generally way more clear than simple obstacles. So learn to do as tree's branches: you see an obstacles, you grow around it or find another similar path to get to the same desire. Keep aiming, growing, learning, fighting, contorting, expanding and reaching. So next time before you freak out, stop and think about what this obstacles means on your path, what do you need to adjust or change in order to get where you want? Remember to be in control of your mind, to be sure that now it is time for you to get: you may have been giving a lot in the past and aren't sure if you're going to receive, but you are. Ofc you are. You are going to receive what you want. Try to stay calm about it. Stay in control, stay balanced, take care of your chakras and recenter, especially if you're into one of your spiralling moments. Be in control of your mind, heal this insecurity and self doubt that still kinda sabotage you and you'll have your wishes. Similarly to pile 1 the message is: "you already have them", but the energy is different. You're only kinda scared, like a kid falling on the concrete, fearing they did something wrong while they were simply running and having fun so you need to be comforted and encouraged to go on (and here I am: get up and go on!!). Pile 1 is heavier, more out of control and overwhelmed. Anyway, you're almost there. I know this may be what you have been reading or listening or seeing in signs around you for a while now and still you never seem to get there, get to the point you're actually having your dreams and it is tough. But keep going. You're REALLY almost there now. So keep focusing on what it is that you're doing and don't worry about obstacles. Jump over them, or fly, or get around them with a nice dancing movement, you decide, but keep going. If your guts are saying this is not a bad sign, then trust your guts. Trust your intuition, your inner guidance. Trust yourself. And your Guides and Angels too. If you're not getting a clear "no", then try until you can. Ofc if by any chance your dream involves being with a person that clearly isn't interested in you or you're getting specific "negative" signs about, things may be different: try to communicate about the issue if you want/can, but be respectful of them and their decision; never exaggerate, no matter if you're hurt (it may be a sign for you that another person that will love you as you deserve to be is waiting for you). If it's about someone you're in no contact or anything, wait to have a clearer sign about the connection or for actual communication (which is always the best): don't let fears and obstacles take over and bring you down. Stay hopeful and respectful (both of you and the other person). Again trust your guts and enjoy the ride.

songs: chasing cars | snow patrol; the silence | manchester orchestra

[hero-israel]

Hi! You come across as confident, so...how roes one keep up hope and confidence in such a situation? Not "just" with the attack of Hamas but also the antisemitism that crawled out of the woodwork at Israelis/Jewish people being harmed? Atm I am horrified and I'm not even Jewish, so I can't even fathom how this situation must be for someone Jewish. Would love to hear your five cents, if you are willing.

This was the single worst day in Jewish history since Mauthausen (the last Nazi concentration camp) was closed down in May 1945. We are closing in on the death level of the MV Struma disaster a few years earlier. Those comparisons make more sense than any of Israel's wars because then as now, practically all the victims were noncombatants, families.

The antisemitic social commentary was always there - it is inherent to the world-spanning, bloody-bordered empires that Christianity and Islam established for themselves, and for people to learn to overcome it is slow and deliberate. I am sorry to see it but truly not shocked. Events have long since proven Herzl was right.

I keep up hope by remembering how far the Jewish people have come, against such odds, how many threats we have outlasted until we are the only people who even remember them anymore.

I am quite certain that Israel will continue to be what it is - the only homeland and guarantor of safety for the Jewish people. And that it will continue to do anything it judges necessary to defend itself. This barbaric frenzy will prove to be just as long-term pointless as everything else anti-Zionists have tried during the last wasted century. They fundamentally do not understand their enemy - that enemy being nothing less than the Jewish view of history - and so they cannot win.

[daisylincs]

i love reading all your tags about shadow and bone its so cute haha anyways have you read the books and what do you think?

Awwww, thank you so much 🥺🥺🥺 I just adore this show so much that I can't help it, you know? xD LOL, that's probably a pretty sure-fire way to get my attention these days if you want to chat or whatever - just say anything about Shadow and Bone, and I'll be like "OMG I LOVE YOU YES LET'S SCREAM ABOUT IT 😍😍😍😍"

And now, re: the books - yes, actually, ahhh! As soon as I found out it was based on a book series, I was just like, I have to read this. Unfortunately, my work is absolutely INSANE atm, and I haven't had much time to read, but I've started! I'm close to the end of the first Grisha Trilogy book now :DDD

Thoughts - well, I'm really quite liking it so far! Not as much as the show, though :O It seems almost sacrilegious to say, as a book lover, but it's kinda true I think? The Crows are absolutely incredible, of course, and lend so many great moments to the show - but I also feel like show! everyone is more interesting and just more real than book!everyone.

For example, I like Book!Alina, don't get me wrong, but she's a little boring compared to Show!Alina, you know? I really appreciate how Show!Alina is far more independent and confident in her own right, and isn't mooning over Mal the whole time.

Ugh, and Show!Mal is a much better character to me than Book!Mal, too - he's far less annoying, and much less unreasonably judgy too, haha. I also liked their relationship way, way, way more in the show. How Alina got her palm scar, for example!! Oh, it's just SO much better in the show, man. From "too in love with the boy to concentrate on anything else" to "made my own choice so I don't get separated from my BFF" is an epic upgrade, and I appreciate the show so much for it. Also, I love how they didn't rush into a kiss in the show - it just feels much more organic and realistic, and leaves them both more time to grow. Which, just - yes. It's fantastic, and I think Jessie and Archie (as well as their kid actors!!!) did an amazing job portraying them.

Book!Darkling also struck me as a lot more meh, weirdly enough! I was expecting completely the opposite, but is and Alina's chemistry was barely there in the books. He also feels much more human in the show, which is due in no small part to Ben Barnes' incredible acting, and I for one really appreciated that.

I have to say, though, that a lot of worldbuilding and context elements make much more sense after reading most of the first book - Grisha powers, for one, and how Alina mastered hers. Also the whole political situation with West and East Ravka, and exactly how amplifiers and Morozova's Stag even work in the first place. No criticism to the show for that, though, because there is only so much exposition you can reasonably fit into eight episodes, after all.

But all my book criticism (please don't kill me, anyone) aside, I'm still really enjoying my reading :DDD I cannot wait to get to Six of Crows and Crooked Kingdom!!! 😍😍😍😍😍

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

what do you think about joethejohnston's comments about pearl and rose's relationship?

Erm, they make me feel… bad?

He seems to be attempting to be reassuring, but, and no offense to the guy, he had the exact opposite effect on me last night, welp. As in, posting reassurances about Pearl’s agency and how we shouldn’t worry because she wasn’t mind-controlled, she rebelled and made these choices and her and Rose were shown talking as friends and comrades and how there’s more to come in future episodes… and then immediately afterwards explaining how she literally physically could not disobey a direct order given by PD/Rose, who she was “made for”. A bit of getting my hopes up in one ask and then dashing them in the other.

It only applies to Pearl.

BECAUSE our Pearl was made for Pink Diamond, she must follow her orders.

Rose did not have this power or control over anyone else, and its ONLY because Pearl was made for her that Pink/Rose had this power over her.

This, besides being utterly horrifying as a concept, also pretty much sank all my excuses about her maybe being WD’s or some scrap heap rescue pearl or something, not PD’s custom-made personal slave. Or how maybe the “my last order to you” made the possibility of all future orders void - to at least level the playing field a tiny bit after the war, by removing that particular awful thing, and also perhaps removing the idea that Rose could in whatever capacity theoretically return to being PD on a shapeshifty whim, because if she can just turn around and be magically detected as “Pearl’s official owner” even after everything, Pearl’s freedom and wellbeing hinges entirely on Rose’s will and benevolence (even more than it already does?), and that’s never changing, and that is intensely disturbing.

It’s messed up because it’s now been outright said (unless he misspoke and just meant PD, and not “Rose”, as per one of my excuses above) that Rose had the power to literally order Pearl around at any time and she could (apparently, same as with the hand silencing, physically) NOT disobey. And he keeps saying how their relationship grew and changed, which we have yet to see (please bring on those summer eps soon, I have a lot riding on that first meeting ep), but what we HAVE seen is Rose using that power to give Pearl an order when it was convenient for her, or based on how she felt and what she wanted or didn’t want (and just generally really horrible, as not 5 seconds before that she was promising freedom for both of them and a complete and final rejection of their former lives and caste roles - which Pearl was actually really into! - and which, yes, being a pearl and bound to obey persisting direct orders from your owner very much spits in the face of). I find the implications present here pretty horrible.

The whole pearl programming thing he talked about is extremely, extremely, horrifyingly dark. Like, if we never saw later-day them as anything but a fluffy sunshine and roses (hah) relationship it’d still be messed up and need a ton of careful handling and unpacking to work. But we keep seeing the bad/sad bits, Pearl being jealous and grieving and traumatised and risking and devaluing her own life, and frankly being treated pretty shittily, and being told there were good times, too (a frequent complaint re:Pearlrose over the years, actually). And I don’t know about you but I am currently not very comfortable giving PD the benefit of the doubt of a gentle, careful, sensitive, respectful handling of the issue. Especially since we’ve, well, literally seen her use this when it suited her plans.

I see two options here after Pale Rose: either make Pearl/Rose deliberately really dark and awful, have Pearl overcome it and move on and that be a triumph, allow her to feel wronged and be angry, and double down on the gag order as the horrible violation of every principle of freedom and choice and self-determination Rose claims to espouse - of course this saddens me immensely, as the thought of “Rose dying is the best thing to happen to Pearl” always has.

Basically, it’s as @ayu-ohseki said in some asks to me:

I’ve been thinking about PD’s command, and in reflection, I think the intended audience reaction *is* to think it’s fucked up. Earlier that ep, Pearl remarks that she’s good at compartmentalizing, so I suspect on some level she knows it too–she just doesn’t let herself think about it.

And no doubt it’d already occurred to you as well… In terms of Rose herself as well as Rosepearl, I can’t imagine “well, you’re SUPPOSED to think it was fucked up” would be much comfort. :/ But it does make me think that we’ll at least see the matter addressed in upcoming episodes, so that’s something, maybe?

They could also try to have it be a mess but ultimately work at it and redeem it somehow, through a lot of time and concentrated effort (something I’m worried the show won’t be giving them, simply because there is So Much To Do) and a whole lot of apologising and deepening understanding on Rose’s part. While I would prefer the latter, I currently have, besides those tiny suggestions I’ve already mentioned above that would make this slightly more palatable for me, no true idea of how. Not since we’ve already seen a bunch of these two and how they went on after the war and up until the present day, and told that, well, you know Rose, she always did what she wanted, and is also “a horrible person”.

What most certainly doesn’t work for me is bringing that awfulness to the table (I seriously cannot begin to tell you just how much that gag order scene gives me chills and freaks me out), but then kind of… brushing it aside, claiming it was totally okay because it only happened a few times, and it was totally the last time there was an order given because PD said it would be (again, yup, I really have trouble trusting her with this and with anything atm), and not really dealing with the large amount of awful implications present. What I think Joe is trying to say we’re getting is exactly what I’ve wanted for 3 years, Pearl and Rose conspiring together as comrades and rejecting their roles and growing and changing together and whatnot. And on the surface, there was so much in that little scene in ASPR that I’d wanted for so, so long. Actual Rose -> Pearl affection? That hug! Cute blushing! Tender handholding! They sure talked the talk about rejecting their roles forever and being free! Rose getting starry eyed over Pearl and squeeing her name? A dream!

And then… that.

And I would like to believe (I want to believe), and I do believe Pearl really was a rebel and all of that is true, from LOOoBC to Back to the Barn to the Zoo arc, we see how much she hates acting “like a pearl” and how proud she is of belonging to “nobody”, I don’t see how that could all be a lie… And we hear that Rose made her feel like she was everything, we hear her sing about freedom and reinvention, but then what I keep actually seeing Rose do in the show, along with the revelations we keep getting about “how pearls work”, just doesn’t match up with all this. “Rose would never treat Pearl like a pearl!” is and has always been the cornerstone of it all, and, yeah, believe me, I want that to be true more than anything, that she didn’t, but, well… at the very least there’s one time she did, and we saw it, and it wasn’t, oh, super early into their relationship so they’re just figuring things out or anything, and it was a big friggin’ deal focus of a mini-subplot and episode. So yeah, please, convince me, outside that one hologram of that one tiny bit in Scabbard (which is also frankly now pretty dubious as to being a legitimate choice, because, really, what alternative did Pearl actually have? We’ve seen Homeworld has no place for “ownerless pearls”.), that Rose, the person with apparently every single bit of power in this relationship, ever put in the work and care required. That she herself perhaps realised (sadly too late, but she’s an established oblivious ass anyway, so that’d be in character I guess) that giving an order like that was absolutely horrifying and borderline unthinkable and very deeply violating, and that she tried to fix things, and that at least after some point in time Pearl’s freedom was not subject to her in any way. At least try, like, giving her a direct order to never have to obey a direct order ever again! I dunno, something!

And as I’ve mentioned before it kind of… baffles me, why they had to go to this extent with the awfulness? What would really be lost if pearls were really servants, as they keep calling them? As opposed to being made-for-order for owners (yuck) whose direct orders they literally cannot disobey? I feel like they reference a lot of tropes and visuals of a queen and her handmaiden, and also then of course more blatantly a lady and her knight, but then suddenly it goes into a master and a slave and gets horrible - and I’m not sure how intentional it all is and don’t know how it’ll be handled.

Anyway, here is a good meta post about some of this.

The scene is trying to harken back to an old trope where the noblewoman issues one final command before forsaking her right to rule and running off to live happily with their lover of low birth. Such a scene is inherently an act of trust on the part of the noblewoman because the recipient of the order will soon have no reason to obey it. The unspoken understanding is that it is for love of the woman and not her title that such an order will be followed. But that doesn’t work here because Pearl literally and physically had not choice but to obey. There is no trust there. If Pink Diamond had TRUSTED Pearl with her secret, then she would have asked for its safekeeping, not ordered it with an unbreakable command.

Here is another.

@ajoraverse has written some insightful things, too.

To close up, I’m just gonna stick a bit from a fic of mine here which I wrote as a reaction to Back to the Barn, Astronomy in Reverse, and which kind of illustrates how I made this work for me back then after that particular chilling reveal, and which feels quite relevant now (even if it’s jossed to hell)

“Pearl?”

“Yes, Steven?”

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I…” She wanted to say you weren’t ready and you’re too young and it’s all in the past, but instead she bit her tongue and opted for forcing out the truth. It was the least she could do, really, and he deserved it, and there was hardly any harm left to be done now. “I didn’t want you to think… differently of me.”

Maybe it had been selfish of her - she knew plenty of things over the years had been. But Steven started fidgeting again in that way that let her know he had more questions - and ones he was sure she wouldn’t like him asking. But she’d promised herself and promised them both she’d do her best, and that was what she fully intended.

“What Peridot said - did… did mom… own you?”

Pearl couldn’t help but cringe at the word, dug up again. It made her think of how long it had taken her to shake off some of its more insidious claws, and the effort it had taken to fully accept that if things happened to be a certain way on Homeworld it didn’t mean they had to be that way. It felt surprising - in a good way, perhaps - to see just how ingrained that belief had become in her, and how ridiculous so much of what Peridot was spouting at them had immediately been. She was proving to be a good test, if nothing else, and a stretching of figurative muscles that had lain mostly dormant for millennia, as isolated as they’d all been.  

But Steven had asked a question.

“For a while, formally, yes. But she refused to act like it. Always bucking convention, full of radical ideas… your mother was truly something else, Steven.”

Basically my point is Rose being adamant about never treating pearl as a pearl, the “ownership” only as a (legal-ish) formality in order to protect Pearl within the system that Rose had a lot of power in and in which she had none, and then Rose devoting herself to tearing that same system down. That’s what made it work for me, and that’s what’s now absent here and hence creeping me out. 

So yeah, I’m still really sad, and endlessly angry on Pearl’s account, and freaked out at the constantly deepening grimdark implications whenever we learn anything about Pearl(s). And of course I want my Merely Complicated Pearlrose back, but I don’t think that’s happening. Though another thing to keep in mind with regards to Joe is I have very strongly disagreed with some of his takes on things in the past, so… bring on “this Summer TM”, once again, I guess, and I’ll see what it ends up being in the actual episodes. I think I’ll do one last big post I have drafted which was an attempt to reply to more of the asks I got, and then mostly be done.

[finallyrecoveringforgood]

eating breakfast, holding myself accountable

it's hard with the missing routine of work

because of covid, our team was divided into 2 groups - so if one group has to go into quarantine, the other is still there to care for the animals (and to minimize contact in general). that's good and important, no questions asked, but since the groups cannot meet and home office (if at all) only works for our bosses ... well. since early in january we worked in daily 5h-shifts (mo-fr), this system still left quite a lot of leisure time, but at least i had something to do and structure my day around every day during the week. now we have divided the week, meaning i get to work full-time on monday and tuesday, as well as every other wednesday. the rest of the time? nada

on top of the lacking routine/requirement to eat, it also leads to being terribly drained when i do suddenly work 9 hours again for those few days. i don't even have wifi at home, i live alone and i don't really talk to my family. honestly my friends, girlfriend and the 2 same colleagues i've been meeting at work since december are what's keeping me sane

most of my friends are at uni (...online) and writing exams currently, only 2 aren't, meaning they are kind of busy and longer phone calls only happen ever so often. although, i have a call scheduled with one of my friends who is not doing anything atm later. then there's my girlfriend, she still works full-time and has her 40h-week as usual. leaving my coworkers, one of which doesn't come often because he can do home office and the other of which is my boss. we do get along well and grew extremely close during this pandemic, but of course we both are busy at work and don't exactly get to do lots of things together

so much about me rambling, mostly because i finished eating and need(ed) something to concentrate on other than my stomach and what is inside of it

anyway, i'm trying to stop lapsing before it can get bad

also talked to my girlfriend kind of a bit about quitting food talk, plus i feel like she's doing okay with it currently. but dear god, please let them [her family] not pick apart my eating habits. i'm trying so hard. i don't want to explain this, it's so shameful. please let me go under the radar for now, until i got my shit back together. i'm still doing okay during meals, so

body image/size + comments tw

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.

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on a side note. comments on my body and size and shape are so FUCKING triggering. dear people in my life, please stop. my grandmother after seeing me "my god are you SLIM", my gf's sister when i put on gf's jacket "now that's big on you, cute", my boss about my ex group home "i suppose everyone there must've been chunkier than you, like here too, that's not hard". hell and those comments like "i'll never work out with you, it'd be too frustrating because you're so good" or "whew you got more arm and shoulder muscle than [XY]" or "damn your body looks so good, it makes me feel bad next to you". i even feel bad about writing it down, because i guess i should see it as a privilege to be treated in such "positive" ways and not shamed? i don't want to trigger anyone and i feel no pride of my body, all i want is to hide it and never be seen again, or to please become more comfortable with it. but no comments

it doesn't feel good. it's not validating. it

a) increases my fucking hyperawareness of my appearance and body

b) reinforces the idea that i need to keep exercising and eating ""healthy"" (aka trying to micromanage what should not be controlled) because it's just normal/""healthy""

c) increases my fear of being in a different looking body one day

d) MAKES ME FEEL GUILTY because i don't want to be a part of fatphobia or making somebody else feel bad unknowingly just by existing in my body, and because i'm not a stupid inspiration, tell me you "wish you liked healthy stuff and working out like me and had my toned muscles" again when i let you in on my purging habits, sh scars, fear foods, calorie knowledge and constant guilt. i don't talk about food or how much anybody eats or weighs, for fuck's sake i don't even know my own weight currently and am not planning to change that anytime soon! people only know what i eat when they eat with me, and i even keep accomodating and conquering fear foods to eat with others without seeming odd. everyone knows i like rock climbing and i need fresh air, but i don't tell anyone about my exercise routines. i'm trying trying trying so hard to not count/micromanage and to stop moving compulsively, also to demoralize food and listen to my cravings. can we QUIT the stupid diet talk around me? no it's not cool to be health obsessed. it's not even healthy. shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP. stop feeding the ED. i beg you. it's hard enough as is

maybe this is one of the reasons why i keep lapsing so hard lately, on top of the pandemic being stressful and everything in my life changing

[extradreamy]

Departure Gate 16

When you left this town, with your windows down//And the wilderness inside ~ Angela//The Lumineers (Because every adventure should have a soundtrack, or in this case every blog post should have a song that accompanies and inspires it)

Let’s jump right into it, lovelies! Here’s the first blog post for my study abroad programme, concentrating on the final few days before I leave. It’s Sunday 10th September, 2017. Time: 9:12pm (I’m an early to bed kind of gal lol). I spent all morning packing my suitcase and debating whether I should take my pink dress (I decided not to), if I would need another jumper (Yes! You can never have too many jumpers in my opinion), and how many thermals were too many (Answer: *Cady from mean girls voice* The limit does not exist!). I had written down a packing list to follow but, alas, I am the worst at following my own advice. Knowing my luck I have packed too much of one thing, and not enough of something else. Either way, I’m headed to Manchester, so whatever I need I know the great city will have it once I arrive, so at least I know the city can save my ass if need be lmao. 

It is beginning to feel very real. I thought it was feeling real when my visa finally arrived a few weeks back, but that was nothing compared to what I’m feeling right now. I’m beginning to mentally prepare myself for what’s to come: The saying goodbye to family, the solo trip halfway across the world (I am freaking out about finding my way through Dubai airport to my connecting flight to Manchester, honestly atm this is my number one anxiety), and the settling into Manchester and my dorm room. Even writing these things down is making me realize that this is happening and I am leaving New Zealand, my home, my friends, my family, in three days! And I won’t be seeing them for almost six months! This is excitingly scary! And even though the nerves are kicking in and I am suddenly realizing the reality of this exchange, I honestly cannot wait to board that plane and arrive in the UK. 14 year old me is ready, and so is 19 year old me. I think I’ve grown too big for this small town, and while Auckland city is great, the travel bug has been biting my ankle raw for almost two years now. At least with this exchange programme I’ll be killing two birds with one stone (study and travel, woo!) So I think I’m ready. To quote Oh Wonder, “I’m ready to go.”

It’s pretty much the same time as yesterday, just 24 hours later. It’s Monday 11th September and this is my last night in my bed, which is in my room, in my home. I thought I would be sadder, knowing that my black-walled room is going to be empty of human presence for six months. The fairy lights won’t light up for six months. The books sitting on the refurbished church pew will probably go unread for ages. My darling Pop Up Globe posters will go unadmired until I return. However, I feel as though this is just like any other night. I’ll go to sleep, wake up the next morning, go about my usual, slightly mundane day. But that’s not true. This is my last night. Next time I’m back here in my room (which is pretty much a shrine to my teenagehood with a dash of my adulting BA lifestyle) it’ll be a new year and I will no longer be a teenager (I’m turning 20 in a foreign country wtf!!!). I wonder how much I would’ve changed once I get back. I wonder if I’ll redecorate my room when I return. Maybe I’ll marvel at it for a bit and try to remember what kind of person I was six months earlier, before I ever knew what traveling was. If I do change, I hope it’s for the better. And I hope I will still love my black walls when I return (if I don’t then I’ve obviously changed for the worst lmao). 

I woke up at 5am and wasn’t able to fall back to sleep. I think my anxiety is getting to me now. Today was so strange; it went by really quickly and yet at the same time it felt so damn s l o w (put that down to my tiredness). I said goodbye to my home, said goodbye to my two grandfathers, and now I am saying au revoir to my last night in New Zealand. I forgot how much I love the city, especially this city. Yeah it’s got its flaws (so damn expensive, also the housing crisis is legit), but I am beginning to see it as home. My teenage to adult transitional home, I guess. It’s lovely being able to walk around the city where people don’t know anything about you (can’t do that in a small town). Maybe this sounds stupid, but it kinda makes me feel mysterious and able to do anything. I guess this means that I might be able to take Manchester on. Here’s hoping! But I’ll be honest, I’m missing my parents already (and they’re in the same room as me). Tomorrow will probably break me when I have to say goodbye, but I’ll be rebuilt again in the UK, and I’m looking forward to that.

My mum started crying before we had breakfast and she’s taking every opportunity to hold my hand and give me hugs. I’ve decided I’m not gonna cry in front of her because I know that’ll just turn her into a huge mess. I’ll save my tears for later.

At the airport feeling like I'm gonna throw up. The anxiety is real, resulting in a steadily shitty writing style (as you could probably tell). My baggage is checked in, my stomach filled with miso soup, my heart heavy with having to say goodbye. Also I'm worried about the plane ride (my fear of flying from when I was a child hasn't fully left me, plus I'm worried I'll get lost in Dubai airport - knowing me, I probably will).

Dear past me, It’s Friday 15th September. You didn’t get lost in Dubai airport, thank God. You shouldn’t have worn the woollen socks, it’s not as cold as you think at the moment (also woollen socks in Dubai? You dumbass lmao). You were right about how saying goodbye would break you, and congrats for not crying in front of your mum. You saved it until you had just turned the corner out of your parents sight. Also, get used to the anxiety for a little while. Things won’t seem normal until uni starts and you have a proper schedule in your life again. 

But you did it. You’re in Manchester, baby. 

~Michaella 

[sweet-popplio]

So real talk here, I’m still awake and bored as hell. I can’t draw atm because my hand is still in a lot of pain.

But since I’ve been taking this new medication (which is supposed to help with depression and slightly with adhd) I’ve noticed that I have trouble sleeping, and I end up fidgeting more whether it’s bouncing my leg or having to do something with my hands. The fact that I can’t draw without my hand hurting is sorta killing me right now because I need to do SOMETHING.

And this only started after I took this new dosage of Wellbutrin. So I looked it up on whether it can possibly make adhd worse and I guess some people have said it does? Some people say it only helps some symptoms but usually not the ones that cause a problem. And I guess wellbutrin, while it can help, is not the best one for adhd out there. BUT while the adhd can be a problem, my depression is a lot bigger problem which is probably why my psych made it more of a priority and is trying to prescribe one medication in hopes that it helps with both. Because honestly? The depression is a lot worse and if I don’t have anything to help me properly I become a dysfunctional crying mess.

So far for me

Pros: I feel somewhat happier, I can concentrate better when I’m doing art, I have motivation more often to DO art, and because I feel happier and am able to work without being distracted as much I also eat less out of boredom/sadness.

Cons: If I take it too late in the day I cannot sleep, fidgetting TO THE MAX like for real I am either wiggling my foot or bouncing my leg all the time now which used to not be as bad, I cannot seem to hyperfocus which sucks it’s just a moderate amount of focus now.

Honestly I’m not sure if this is better than the Effexor or not when it comes to depression. I think it’s relatively the same since I got put on the extended release of the wellbutrin so my emotions level out. Since the Effexor worked with serotonin and the wellbutrin works with dopamine (I think?) I wonder if there is something that works with both? Because the serotonin helped a lot in regulating my emotions which was great and it helped with my anxiety. The wellbutrin sort of regulates my emotions but it’s nice that I can feel happier more often rather than just moderate everyday. The only problem is with the wellbutrin I have to have an anxiety medication prescribed along with it since it doesn’t work with it like the effexor did.

But honestly though? After having those negative effects from going off of the effexor (with the panic attacks and chest tightening so much it hurt) I’m sort of glad. I don’t know if this medication would have any negative effects if I went off of it, but I’m able to remember to take this medication everyday unlike my last one. I’m not sure if this means my memory is improving or not, it’s hard to tell.

also you wanna know what else I noticed? I’ve been having more dreams. Thankfully no nightmares, some are a little on the unsettling side but I feel like I didn’t dream NEARLY as often before. It’s sort of nice??? 

[cliveboney]

time 2 complain

i have a lot of auditory problems tbh like how some people have tactile issues where touching something with a certain texture bothers them, right, i think i have something very similar with a lot of sounds which i think is just as common, there was a post a while ago about something called like misophonia maybe?? i can’t remember but god

a lot of things to do with the human voice is like. i dont know, i think that misophonia thing is more about the sound triggers an intense reaction within the person, and idk if it really goes that far for me but i hate it when people start humming near me like i feel bad bc it’s this totally innocent thing they’re not doing anything wrong, i live with a bunch of singers so they sing around the house pretty often and they sound really good too, but this thing i have like as soon as somebody starts humming or singing i instantly cannot fucking focus on anything else like if im trying to work on something or read something or concentrate at all it’s just gone immediately when i hear humming and if i try to push past it and ignore it to keep working on my thing i get suuuper stressed out like anxiety kind of stressed out god it’s rly bad

and i feel even worse about it bc on top of people singing, my brother is autistic and he hums a lot which i assume is a stim so i just live with a lot of people who are making these harmless noises with their voices and i dont want to tell them to stop bc it’s like something they enjoy doing, i mean i do loud things too i play piano and most of the time nobody asks me to stop so i don’t tell them to stop but that means im sitting there getting more and more anxious and actually i do start getting irrationally angry, or at least very irritable, so maybe it is that thing i was talking about earlier, god idk it just gets under my skin so much

and on the topic of me suffering bc i feel bad about asking people to stop doing things that shouldn’t be harmful, my sister who i share a room with is sick right now and she’s doing a lot of coughing, but rather than occasional coughing fits it’s pretty constant single coughs like once or twice every minute and it’s setting me so on edge it’s such a sharp cutting sound and it’s loud too so it scares me a little bit every time and the fact that it’s a constant thing like that is like, idk i just have a lot of anxiety right now i want to go to bed bc my classes start tomorrow so i wanna get enough sleep but i cannot fall asleep with the coughing happening, i can barely handle just browsing tumblr rn i have loud music playing to try and drown it out but it’s really not working very well and i dont like turning up my music very loud anyway bc it gives me a headache so it’s just bad all around

but obviously she can’t help it, it’s a fucking cough she’s sick i can’t just ask her to stop coughing so i just have to sit here and deal with it and im going to lose my shit theres nothing i can do i just. Hate i hate it

basically im just waiting for her to fall asleep so i can go to sleep and im super anxious the whole time but i know as soon as she’s asleep and the coughing stops i’ll be completely fine bc this happened last night too and my mood pretty much immediately went back up so it’s just this prolonged period of sitting here in anxiety bc my sister has a cough she can’t control that’s the literal worst i cannot wait for this moment in my life to be over

but at the same time i know it’ll happen again tomorrow night and that’s when it’ll be a real problem because tomorrow’s class is just an 11:30 one but on thursday i have to get up early for my 8:20 so i need to be able to fall asleep at a proper time for that and i just know it’s gonna be fucking awful but there’s literally nothing i can do aaahhhhhh it’s the worst

anyway sorry if u read this it was literally just a vent post for my anxiety bc as i have mentioned it is thru the roof atm :/