#so i got the hiking shoes online and they fit me fine but like could bear to have a bit more space

[seraphim-soulmate]

it's strange beyond belief going from thinking "oh I need a new bag" -> finding one on the street that's in pretty good condition and going "yes fuck yes thank GOD I really needed a bag"

TO

thinking "oh I need a new bag"" -> "well I guess I'll add it to my dad's wishlist and we can talk about whether or not he wants to buy it" -> "oh shit he bought the bag for me without me having to convince him of the pros of having this bag. I have a bag that I like and that suits all my needs now and I didn't have to mentally agonize over it"

[theatreslave]

Recovery Ch 2

Second Chapter of my Manifest Fic Jared/Drea Fic

By the end of their first week as partners, Jared and Drea had gotten into an easy routine. Jared, like the lieutenant he is, would arrive at the precinct first. He would drop off a cup of coffee at Drea’s desk and then head over to his own. Drea would arrive a half hour later with some breakfast for the both of them, some days she would make something and other days she would grab something nearby.

Then they both would both be at their desks looking over files until one or the other needed some type of consultation. It was surprisingly easy. The banter was fast and snarky which fit their dynamic. When they were out in the field, Drea didn’t mind letting Jared take the lead. He was an amazing detective and seeing him in action first hand was a treat for her. Things had been pretty standard since Michaela left, thankfully no 828er drama or anything from the Xers. Just your run of the mill robberies, domestics, and crimes of passion.

Jared had been over to Drea’s two more times since that first night. Once to cook for her to prove that he wasn’t a terrible cook after a disagreement over tastes in pizza, long story. The next time was to watch a horror movie that Drea insisted that Jared wouldn’t be able to get through; he didn’t. At least not without turning all the lights on and some cuddles from Mimi.

Jared was surprised by how easy it was to get along with Drea without Michaela around. He had thought it might be awkward without a common denominator, but it was anything but. Drea was charming. As simple as that. She was always smiling, playful, and endlessly curious. Opinionated and stubborn. It made for some hilarious conversations and interesting bets between them. But she was also an incredibly competent detective. He had seen her put her rich upbringing to use, from finding connections to get them into exclusive illegal online auctions, to clearance for an emergency helicopter landing on private property. She could slip from one persona to the next seamlessly, happy-go-lucky rookie to experienced and connected detective. And Jared liked her. Not like that. But he enjoyed her company and was honestly happy to call her his friend.

Drea on the other hand was surprised to learn that Jared really did have a life outside of his Michaela obsession and his romantic escapades. He took hikes on his own and knew all the trails around the greater New York area. He loved cooking and playing cards. He was also as charming as could be. She knew he was handsome, everybody did. When she had started with the precinct she noticed, but he was married back then so she didn’t bat an eye. But having his attention on her, his focus, occasionally made her blush. Not that she liked him like that. She was actually very happy to call him a friend. Jared didn’t seem to mind her invites or challenges and that was all the encouragement she needed.

It was the end of a long Saturday that had them running around in search of a kidnapped child. Thankfully the culprit had a soul and only wanted the car. They dropped the kid off in a park and his parents’ stranger danger training had kicked in and he had run into a school that happened to have after school programs. The relief that had travelled through everyone in search of this child was palpable. By dumb luck a rookie had stumbled upon the stolen vehicle on the way home in Queens. The culprit had been arrested, the parents and child reunited, and all was well.

Jared was in a jovial mood after the day’s successes. He was perched on the corner of Drea’s desk urging her to hurry up with the paperwork for the day so they could grab dinner, “Come on Mikami, you can type faster than that.”

Before Drea could respond her cell phone rang. Recognizing the name she swept it up and shushed Jared, “Hi Mom.”

Jared smirked and decided to have a little fun. He made his way around the desk to stand behind her. Speaking louder than normal he said, “Drea, baby, hurry up, I wanna take you out.”

Drea smacked his arm hard, sending him into a fit of laughter. The few officers still at the precinct just ignored the two’s antics, a familiar sight already. “No Mom, that was nothing. Just my partner messing with me. Yeah, yeah don’t worry about it.”

Jared proceeded to poke her lightly but quickly in the side making her yelp. Before he could run, Drea was up, had tripped him, and had him in a headlock. Jared sputtered, turning red with amusement and embarrassment at his new position.

“Oh nothing Ma, I just stubbed my toe. Yes I will be careful. Don’t listen to him Mom, you know I have coworkers over sometimes. It’s nothing weird.” Drea squeezed a bit tighter when Jared tried to pry her arm away. He finally stopped struggling when he realized how strong she really was. “I know Mom, but do I have to? I told you I could take care of it. Mom, please? Fine, but I’m bringing my partner with me. Ok bye.”

Drea ended the call then proceeded to give Jared a noogie, “Hey watch the hair!”

“You idiot! You’re lucky my mom is hard of hearing or she would have had a heart attack. I’ve already had to convince her that you coming over was nothing. She’s already on my ass about being paired with ‘unseemly men’ all the time.” Drea said finally relinquishing her hold on Jared.

“Unseemly?” Jared said, loosening his tie, “Was the head lock really necessary?”

Drea smacked him again, “Grab your stuff and go home and shower and get into a new suit. I will pick you up in an hour and you are coming with me to this fundraiser my cousin is throwing.”

“Oh no no no, you are not dragging me along to one of your rich people functions,” Jared insisted.

“There will be free gourmet food and I will buy you those new Nike’s when they get released next week.” Drea bargained.

Jared held her gaze for a long moment then finally caved, “Deal.”

“Ok then I will see you in a little over an hour. Bye!” Drea said before hurriedly packing her things and then rushing out the door.

Jared stood in shock, wondering exactly what he got himself into, before he headed out the same way.

He didn’t want to look like a complete fool so he had opted for his higher end deep navy suit and brown shoes and belt. Jared’s shirt was a light yellow and his tie matched with a deep blue and yellow pattern, perfect for spring. He looked at his reflection in the mirror and nodded his head. Not too shabby considering it was last minute. Honestly he probably should have asked Drea what exactly to wear. His phone chimed telling him that Drea was waiting outside for him.

Drea was waiting in her car, waving for him to hop in. Once he was buckled in he finally had a chance to take a look at Drea all dressed up. She was wearing a soft blue lace dress that reached her knees. It had cap sleeves and a rounded neckline. Her hair fell in soft waves and was longer, down to mid-back.

“Are you wearing extensions?” Jared finally breathed out.

“Yea, my mom likes it better when I have longer hair,” Drea replied, focusing on the road.

Jared couldn’t stop himself and reached out to play with an errant curly, “I really like it.”

Drea turned to him, surprised, “Don’t go falling for me now, Vasquez.”

Jared just laughed, “Not falling. Just appreciating that my usually childish partner can actually look like a beautiful grown woman.”

“You clean up pretty great too. We even match a little,” Drea glanced at him with a smile, “ Anyway, I just need you to mingle with me and protect me from my dad’s creepy business partners and hopefully deter my mum from trying to introduce me to any of their sons.”

“And your mom will stop because I’m around?” Jared asked.

“She assumes that I’m dating any man I talk to, no matter what I say otherwise. Bringing you to a function will get rumors going and the damage control will get her off my back. Oh and don’t take any bribes from her or her butlers,” Drea rambled.

“So I’m your date?” Jared said with a smirk.

“Technically, so don’t go flirting with anyone or my mother might have you shipped off somewhere. She might not like me “dating” but she will raise hell if anyone cheats on me,” Drea warned.

Jared couldn’t help but laugh, “This might actually be fun. How much PDA would freak out your hoity toity rich friends?”

“They barely shake hands, let alone hug. But don’t get any ideas,“ Drea managed to glare at Jared who just raised his hands in defeat.

They approached a large venue with a sprawling lawn and a circular valet drop off. Jared was distracted by the sheer size of the place and the extravagant cars that were being valeted off to a hidden parking lot. “Hey, Drea?”

Jared turned to his partner only to see her handing her keys off to a valet boy. It was then that he noticed her demure lace dress was actually backless, showing off her clear skin and an intricate moon phase tattoo down her spinal column. Just like her hair, he felt his fingers twitch, wanting to touch the tattoo. But she turned. “Are you nervous? You don’t have to be. I promise they are mostly nice, just a bit snooty. Just go with the flow, eat the food, and then I can take you home.”

“Your place or mine?” Jared said absentmindedly, the image of her bareback glued to his sight.

Drea just smacked his shoulder and then started walking into the venue. Jared shook his head and then followed her up the stairs and between the columns of marble. He cursed under his breath. Seeing her looking so different from her rather tomboy-esque persona at work was having an odd effect on him. He took a deep breath. She’s just a friend. A good friend. Don’t mess this up.

Jared stood next to Drea at the entrance of a ballroom. There were quite a few people making small talk, sitting at various tables, and drinking champagne. Jared took Drea’s hand and placed it on the crook of his arm. She seemed nervous but she latched onto his arm, turned to him and smiled, then pulled him along.

A few people waved at her, some greeted her as she walked by, but thankfully no one stopped them or asked her about her date. The tables seemed to be assigned and soon Drea stopped in front of a round table that already had a severe looking older asian woman and a softer looking older asian man seated.

“Hi Mom. Hi Dad.” Drea said in greeting. The two elders stood up, hugging their daughter and sneaking glances at Jared, “This is my partner, Lieutenant Jared Vasquez.”

“Nice to meet you.” Jared offered his hand for a shake but the two just nodded their heads.

“I am Eileen Tamaki and this is my husband, Akimitsu Tamaki.” Eileen said, looking at Jared up and down. Akimitsu who had been staring intently finally smiled then reached out a hand to shake Jared’s. Jared didn’t know what was going on but shook his hand and even bowed a little not wanting to be rude, despite the earlier rejection.

“I have seen you on the news Lieutenant. I knew you were familiar, it took me a moment to place you. You have solved many cases in this city of ours, it is my pleasure to meet you. It makes me feel relieved to have you working with my daughter in such a dangerous field,“ Akimitsu praised, his eyes glowing with kindness.

“It’s my pleasure, sir. Your daughter is a great detective. I can always rely on her.” Jared replied sincerely.

“Come and sit, before the others arrive,” Her father gestured to the table. The size and roundness of the table caused Jared and Drea to sit across from her parents so it would be easier to talk. Eileen still had a stoniness to her visage while Akimitsu was already making small talk.

“Drea didn’t you have anything else to wear?” Eileen finally chimed in hushed tones.

“Eileen, leave her alone. She’s a grown woman, she can wear what she wants.” Akimitsu interrupted. “She looks lovely and I’m sure Jared agrees with me.”

“She looks beautiful,” Jared agreed.

Drea blushed at their defense, not noticing the very different looks her parents were sending Jared’s way. Before anything more could be said, two women who looked around Drea’s age came up to the table greeting everyone. The taller redhead was named Katrina, and her blonde friend was named Melody. Drea greeted them warmly as they took seats next to her. Before Jared could be introduced, two younger men joined the table as well. Katrina’s husband, Caleb, and Melody’s fiance, Ivan.

“The youth have arrived my dear, it is time we move to our own table now that we have seen Drea,” Akimitsu said as he stood up, offering his hand to his wife.

“I knew you weren’t assigned to sit with me, Uncle Rico would have been jealous,” Drea said as she waved to her parents. Eileen and Akimitsu said their farewells, nodding to Jared, before making their way across the ballroom.

“So Drea, introduce us,” Katrina giggled, gesturing towards Jared. Drea smiled awkwardly as the rest of the table made noises of agreement.

Jared decided to grant her some mercy and introduced himself, “I’m Jared Vasquez, Drea’s partner. It’s nice to meet you all.”

“Drea! Where have you been hiding him?” Melody asked excitedly, “If I didn’t have Ivan around I would have had to steal Jared away.”

Jared just threw an arm around Drea’s shoulders, “I’m definitely not that easy to steal away.”

Ivan chuckled, “I don’t know, Jared, she managed to pull me away from Major League baseball, she’s incredibly convincing. Still not sure if it was worth it though.”

“Hey!” Melody retorted, flicking water at her fiance, “That’s why you’re gonna marry me!”

“I know, what am I thinking,” Ivan faked a look of regret before smiling, “Don’t go flirting with Drea’s man, Mel, it isn’t me you’ll have to worry about.”

“Yeah Mel, you know how protective Drea is. She would literally fight you if you touch her man, remember, Isaac?” Katrina said.

“Jared’s not my man, he's just my partner. I’m never going to live that down, am I?” Drea said, letting out a short laugh.

“Dumping a glass of wine on Mel’s white Versace gown because she flirted with your man at her birthday party was a bit too dramatic to be forgettable,” Caleb finally joined the conversation, “We all know that Mel’s a flirt, Drea, but you were so far up that guys ass.”

“Don’t remind me. Sorry, about that again Mel. Really.” Drea said looking embarrassed.

“It’s old news Drea, no worries. You ended up getting the short end of the stick on that one,” Mel said looking sympathetic.

“Hey, hey, no walking down ‘bad memory lane.’ Drea is safe and sound with a hottie on her arm, and looking sexy as ever. Don’t think I didn’t notice the open back on that dress,” Katrina interrupted, expertly changing the subject.

Jared found himself lost in thought as they started talking about outfits and some fashion show. He was curious about Isaac. Who was he and why was he such a sore spot? He was so lost in thought he didn’t realize that he was absentmindedly playing with Drea’s hair.

Melody leaned in to whisper into Drea’s ear,”He’s cute Drea, and he seems to really like you.”

“It’s not like that, he’s just my partner at work, I brought him so Mom wouldn’t try to introduce me to anyone tonight,” Drea whispered back.

“I don’t know, Drea, he seems very affectionate. Act or not, he’s comfortable around you, and you are with him. Maybe it’s a game right now but keep an open mind. I think he would be good for you,” Melody said with a smile.

Two more men joined the table. A slightly older man who greeted Drea warmly. Apparently her cousin Julian, the one putting on the fundraiser. The last was a tall handsome Korean man named Kevin who seemed to immediately dislike Jared and his proximity to Drea. Jared made a point to lean closer to Drea, feeling oddly protective seeing the way the man eyed her hungrily.

“Julian, Kevin, this is my partner, Jared Vasquez, he’s helping me deter mom from throwing me to the wolves,” Drea said.

“He’s definitely an upgrade from the last man you introduced us to, Drea,” Julian joked before reaching out to shake Jared’s hand, “Nice to meet you, man. Be careful with the elder Mikami. She’s been trying to get Drea married off for years. Every event I throw inadvertently gets turned into a speed dating event for Drea. I’m happy she found a friend willing to put up with it to spare her some embarrassment.”

“My pleasure, Drea’s a great partner,” Jared said, throwing a fond smile her way.

“Nice to meet you,” Kevin said stiffly as he shook Jared’s hand. He then turned to Drea, “If you needed a date you could have asked me Drea.”

“Oh stop it Kevin, you’re one of the ones that Mrs. Mikami would force Drea to marry. You know Drea, she wants a ‘normal guy’,” Katrina said bluntly.

“Guys, just stop. I’m not getting married anytime soon to anyone,” Drea said with a hint of frustration, “Can we talk about Mel and Ivan finally getting engaged after 7 years.”

Julian and Kevin took the last two seats at the table across from Jared and Drea. The group started talking jovially about Melody and Ivan’s upcoming nuptials. The dinner was served and it was one of the most delicious meals that he had had in a while. It was nice seeing Drea loosen up and talk with friends he had known since she was a child.

Eventually, Julian left the table to host the event. It was pretty standard, the tickets and donations from all these rich people would go to some charity for underprivileged kids in the city. It devolved from there into a party with a band playing instrumental music. Things were going incredibly smooth until Jared decided to go to the restroom.

The two couples had gone off to the dancefloor, Julian was off mingling, and that left Kevin and Drea. Kevin immediately took a seat next to Drea, taking her hand and leaning in close so she could hear him speak.

“Drea, you look so beautiful tonight. When will you give me a chance?” Kevin asked, gripping her hand tightly.

“Kevin, stop joking around,” Drea shrugged him off, removing her hand from his grasp to reach for her wine glass.

Kevin grabbed her hand again and leaned in so that his lips were brushing her ear with each word, “Drea, I’m not joking. You told me to wait. After everything with Isaac you needed time to heal. So I gave you that time. It’s been five years, Drea. I’m the CEO of my family’s company. Your father and I are business partners. Your mother has given her blessing. I expected to come here and finally confess again now that you’ve let off some steam with this rebellion. But it’s time to leave that job and your partner behind and come back and run our families’ businesses together.”

“Kevin, let me go. I know what I said before. I did my healing and I won’t settle for anything less than I want and deserve. And I don’t want you. I’m sorry.” Drea whispered back urgently, pushing Kevin back into his seat.

“You’re such a stupid bitch you know that. After everything we’ve been through. After you chose that psycho over me. And who did you go running to when he turned on you? You think you’re too good for me Drea? You’re nothing but a used up druggies bitch who doesn’t know when to shut up and just take her best option. Or do you only let psycho meth heads fuck you? Does your new partner know what kind of whore you are?” Kevin seethed, getting in her face. His voice grew louder with each sentence. The music and chatter was still louder than him, but those nearby had started to notice that something was wrong.

Drea was close to tears, standing from her seat she addressed him, “How could you say that?”

“How could you reject me? I’m more than you deserve but I would still love you Drea. Even knowing your history. Not many men would. Especially men of my caliber. You think your little lieutenant will still like you when he finds out what they did to you? You aren’t worth anything Drea. But I’m worth so much that I can make up for it. Just stop being such a pig headed bitch and make a good choice for once!” Kevin urged her. Grabbing her by her shoulders and shaking her.

Suddenly, Drea was pulled from his grasp and Jared was in front of her, throwing a punch so hard that Kevin landed hard on the floor, knocked out. Eyes started turning towards them, someone gasped, someone screamed. Then people were rushing towards them. Jared turned to her to say something, but she couldn’t hear anything. Blood was rushing in her ears, tears were streaming down her face and all she could do was run. So she did.

She ran between the tables, pushed her way through the crowd and escaped through side doors that lead to a courtyard. The spring night air was cold on her skin, her breaths coming in sharp inhales that nearly made her cough. Drea couldn’t see the beautiful garden or the perfectly carved pillars through her tears. The heaving sobs that wracked her body came hard and fast. She reached out for something, anything to cling to while she spiralled into the feeling. Like she was dying. So overwhelmingly alive with pain and cold air and heartache, but at the same time she was dying from it.

Drea’s hand found the cold rock of a pillar and she gripped fruitlessly at the smooth surface. Her knees gave way and she fell. Curling up against the pillar, her hands gripping the cloth at her chest, trying to find her own heart because she didn’t think it could still be there.

Drea was so overwhelmed that she hadn’t noticed that Jared wasn’t far behind her. When he reached for her hands to stop her from tearing her dress she fought back.

“Drea! Drea! It’s me! It’s Jared! I’m not going to hurt you,” Jared pleaded as she scratched and flailed. He managed to grab both her wrists and then held them both down with one hand while the other gently but firmly cupped her cheek, “Drea, look at me. Look at me. You’re ok. You’re safe. It’s just me. It’s Jared.”

Drea met his eyes and familiarity slowly sank in. When she finally spoke her voice was soft and broken from crying, “Jay?”

Jared just opened his arms and Drea threw herself into them, weeping. His mind was moving a mile a minute. He was angry at Kevin for what he said, even though he didn’t understand half of it. He was angry at himself for leaving Drea alone when he was supposed to protect her. But most of all he was worried. Drea never shortened his name. She said she felt like she was stepping into Michaela territory if she did. Instead she made up all kinds of silly names for him instead.

Her wracking sobs soon faded and her breathing slowed. Jared now had his back to the pillar, his arms around Drea, with her in his lap. She had her head curled into the crook of his neck. Jared didn’t say anything as he held her in his arms, gently running his hand up and down the outside of her bicep. He tried not to think of how good she smelled, and how she was trembling just the slightest bit.

The tell tale click of high heels on stone broke the intimate moment. Drea stiffened in his arms but he only held her tighter and whispered reassuring words.

“Drea? Jared?” Katrina called softly before she rounded the pillar. Once she spotted them she gasped at the sight of her friend and knelt down, “Oh Dre. I’m so sorry. If we had known he would push you again we would have never left you alone. He’s gone now. Your dad had a fit and Julian kicked him out. I can’t believe he would say those things.”

Drea didn’t respond, just turned closer into Jared’s neck. She was telling him she wanted to go. He didn’t know how he knew but he knew. “Katrina, is there any way you can get the valet to bring Drea’s car to the back outside the courtyard gate? I think it’s best that I take Drea home.”

“Jared, it really won’t look good for her to just leave. I mean it will be like she let Kevin win,” Katrina responded without thinking.

Drea flinched, and that made Jared angry, “Look Katrina I know we just met, but right now I think the only one who is putting Drea first is me. So please get Drea’s car brought over. We are leaving and I don’t give a damn what any of you people think because Drea did absolutely nothing wrong.”

Properly chastised Katrina whispered an apology before heading back into the building. Jared sighed pulling Drea closer to his chest to bring him some comfort of his own. He leaned his head against Drea’s, kissing her forehead instinctually, “Drea, I’m gonna take you home ok. I know I’m making decisions for you and you hate that but I’m worried about you. So I’m going to take you home where I know you will be safe, away from all this.”

Drea didn’t respond for a moment then he felt her nod her head and grip him tighter. Her voice came soft and muffled, “Take me home, Jay.”

Jared did just that. He took her home to his house. Something told him she didn’t want to go back to her apartment. She didn’t question the route they took or when they arrived in front of his place and he led her inside. Drea was looking less unstable but that didn’t stop Jared from babying her. He sat her in the living room and brought her a glass of cold water. She sipped at it. He carefully took her shoes off and then gingerly started combing her hair. Drea stayed stuck in her thoughts until she realized he was meticulously taking out her clip in extensions and placing them on the coffee table.

Drea was surprised at the thoughtful and detailed gesture and felt herself start crying again. But the tears were silent and accompanied by a sad smile.

“There we go. Well, Cinderella, it is a lot later than midnight and time for bed. I’ll go find you something to sleep in and wash up myself. Then you can have my bedroom and the bathroom,” Jared stood up to go up stairs but Drea grasped his hand. When he turned she stood up and wrapped her arms around his waist. “Thank you, Jared. Thank you for everything.”

“Drea, you’re my friend. You needed me and I was there. I don’t know what all that was but don’t feel like you have to explain anything to me. I’m just happy you’re feeling better. That Kevin guy is a dick. Forget him and anything he said,” Jared replied. He held her close, rubbing his hand up and down on her back. She finally relinquished her grasp on him and looked up at him.

Her eyes were rimmed red and puffy. But she looked up at him with a soft smile, “You really are a knight in a shining necktie.”

Jared laughed and just made his way upstairs. In the meantime, Drea checked her phone. There were a few missed calls and texts that she ignored. She decided not to tell Jared the details behind the confrontation that night. She wasn’t ready to admit it to him. When Jared came down, he had his arms full. An extra blanket and pillow for himself and a t-shirt and boxers for her. “This is all I have but it should be comfortable enough for tonight. Don’t bother arguing with me about my bed. You’re my guest, and after tonight you need the comfort of a nice bed.”

He handed her the clothing then walked over to the couch, setting up his sleeping area. He was wearing thin grey sweats and a black wife beater. If Drea were in a better mood she would have made a joke about seeing him so undressed. Jared was about to settle in and shut off the light when he realized that Drea was still in the room, staring at him, “What?”

“Nothing,” Drea answered quickly, feeling a blush creep up her cheeks.

“No sharing beds. At least not yet,” Jared quipped, winking at her.

“Shut up!” Drea gasped and ran up the stairs.

Jared just chuckled to himself as he shut off the light and got comfortable. The events of the day passed through his mind. He tried not to think about how good Drea looked in her dress, or how good she probably looked in his shirt and boxers. He tried not to think about how good she smelled, or the jealousy and rage he felt when he saw Kevin touching her and then yelling at her. Holding her for who knows how long in that courtyard, in any other instance, would have made him uncomfortable. But it quelled his rage, and woke something else in him. What it awoke were feelings that were too deep to be merely platonic. But he wouldn’t think about that.

Upstairs Drea had decided to take a shower. She was surprised to find a basic but thorough skincare regimen, decent shampoo and conditioner, and neutral smelling shower gels in his bathroom. Remnants he probably picked up from his last two serious relationships. She silently thanked god that she wasn’t forced to use a 3-in-1 after a day like today.

Soon she was tucked up in bed, her hair wrapped in a towel and clad in the clothes Jared gave her. The bed smelled of him and so did the clothes. A smell she now associated with his strong arms around her as she broke down. Jared went above and beyond with helping her tonight and she felt her heart ache a little. Kevin’s words were still ringing in her ears. What would Jared think once she told him the truth of what had happened to her?

Her phone chimed from the bedside table. Jared had texted her.

*You’re amazing, Drea. Ignore what Kevin said. I will always think you’re amazing and funny and stubborn as hell. Nothing anyone could say would make me feel any different.*

Drea hugged her phone to her chest and let a few tears slip out before her phone chimed again.

*No more crying or you’ll look like a steamed bun in the morning.*

She couldn’t help but laugh a little at that. Jared was here and he liked how she was right now. The past was the past. Finally she snuggled into Jared’s bed and went to sleep.

[bomberqueen17]

Well. I did it, I walked to work today. I was not wearing enough clothing! I need to get a ski mask or balaclava or whatever stat. 

I shopped for them online in a sort of desultory fashion, but nothing is quite what I want. I then looked up patterns online-- surely I could make one-- and sure, there are a ton of patterns! Oh great. So I clicked through to one and it was like “great base for a fursuit mask!” and I was like what and back-buttoned out of there kind of by reflex. The next one was some nice middle-aged lady with a knitting blog and this one was to make a balaclava out of old t-shirts, fantastic, that is exactly what I want to do, and I’m downloading the PDF pattern and reading the instructions and 

“my daughter is super into fursuits and this is the perfect base for a foam head! you might ask why I’d mix myself up in such things, this being a nice knitting blog, but my daughter loves them so much and I want to share her interests, so here we go!”

what

Well, now I know something I didn’t. Honestly, I’ve got no reason to have a problem with furries, it’s just a thing I don’t get and so am always a little leery of because I don’t get it, but for real, I mean, what’s the deal. Fine. 

So I’m making a fursuit head base, apparently. Whatever, I just want to customize a pattern so I can get my hair in there, my winter hats never leave room for my hair. Also I’m figuring on wearing the balaclava under a nice knitted hat because I have four thousand nice wool hats, all of which leave my ears and throat and face exposed-- the ears because the hat doesn’t have room for my fucking hair, I’ve had my hair this length for twenty-five years now and nobody who makes me hats recognizes that, but I mean, whatever. (Nobody who makes hats leaves room for hair. I have one my mom made that has a ponytail hole, and I love it, but it’s one hat and I can never find it, and honestly I don’t wear a ponytail, I wear a 39″ braid clipped to the back of my head, so it doesn’t really fit out the hole. I need a slouchy beanie and I’m going to have to make it myself, but i don’t knit, so it’s going to have to be made of fabric. I have polarfleece, I should just use that.)

At any rate-- the point of this was that apparently my ankle’s nagging soreness just really needed me to make a 1.4-mile hike in hiking boots on flat ground to work it out, so, now y’all know that.

I just hope it doesn’t get any colder or rain this afternoon, so I can walk back home.

Also I need slippers for work, I didn’t bring other shoes because hiking boots are comfortable right? but I really wish I had some clogs or something to put on.

I might have some old ones, I should dig around.

I need to dig around in my house anyway, so there’s a to-do list item.

[fantroll-purgatory]

Please help me my character is a karkat ripoff

@hibloodmemelord

I’m gonna be real with you, you didn’t give us much to work with. But I’m going to do what I can! If we want to make him different from Karkat, our best goal is trying to steer away from the necessary crab themeatics and giving him a particular focus. So let’s see…

You describe him as someone secluded. This is directly counter to what lime-range characters tend towards, which is interesting. This could probably be the result of fear. He wants friends, but he’s scared of the consequences of this. He could be a pessimist, afraid of the world outside by frustrated by being kept in. 

Maybe as a grub, he managed to accidentally escape through a crack in the brooding caverns? And he managed to survive but it was really hard-knock life for him. And he learned that being a mutant red was frowned upon really young. Maybe by being attacked by a higher troll? 

He lives alone in a dugout of his own making and tries to survive. Makes pals online, but is really, really protective of his identity.  

Name (preferably include how you came up with it and why): Suprae Asscan. It was a joke about asscan so i changed super to suprae and it just kinda stuck

Maybe Deimos Aegere instead? Deimos being the deity of fear and dread while facing a deadly circumstance and Aegere from Agoraphobia, or the fear of being around people. 

Age: 7 sweeps.

Strife Specibus:2XClawKind (basically like punching gloves but with crab claws.)

Grasperkind. 

One of these, because they meet what you want to do while also symbolically showing him holding people at a distance.

Fetch Modus: honestly have no idea

Maybe a solitaire thing since he’s relatively secluded and that’s a stereotype of aloneness? His items are split into various cards and he has to complete the set to take them out. Gets harder the more items are in there.

Blood color: Red mutant

Symbol and meaning:Cancen, sign of the Nexus

I’m going to change this to Caniborn, but I’ll explain that later. 

Trolltag: i dont know which to choose but i have ultrachaoticCrustacean [UC] and fuckingUltimatum [FU]

Maybe ultrachaoticAnchorite [UA] instead? It implies the hermit nature but still keeps the edgy fun of Ultrachaotic.

Quirk: –C Speaks in a krab-like fashion. –C

I like the snippy claws, so this can stay.

Special Abilities (if any):None

He might have a gentle pacifying nature, but it doesn’t have to be strong.

Lusus: Giant Horseshoe crab.

Let’s just say he’s got no lusus. Maybe he managed to live and scavenge with a couple animals? But no actual entity that raised him.

Personality: Really secluded, so he doesnt really know how to act around other trolls. Hes an asshole, but he doesnt go out of his way to seek people out to be an asshole to. He just doesnt really like interaction with anyone. (i dont really like this that much so uh yeah)

Let’s beef this up a little! He’s a decent person and thinks people deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Society inherently goes against this, though. People don’t respect each other or treat them kindly and it exhausts him. The system is inherently flawed and he wants to change it. But he’s scared of the outside. Scared of what could happen. Terrified of what could be. So he wants change, he wants to change things, he wants to burn it all down and build it back beautiful and free and fair, but he’s just… sitting on all that desire and is locked behind fear. 

Interests: i dont know right now

Interests are usually where people like to start with a character 0_0. Uhh let’s see. We could make him interested in really chaotic music. Maybe he likes cave art and survivalist stuff. Maybe you could give him a little interest in revolutions and martial weaponry. You can make him interested in romance movies too, though. Maybe make him like corny romance novels that he manages to scavenge from the trash while heading through towns. Maybe he could be interested in stuff like hiking? Makes a habit of travelling. Maybe some roleplay, too, to cope with Loneliness. 

Title: Rouge of blood

I think he needs to be a Page of Rage. Someone who is really surrounded by and bogged down by these feelings of fear and pessimism and not feeling like he has any options, feeling limited and scared… And then eventually developing into someone who can turn that fear back around on others and pursue the destruction of all that is wrong and the rebuilding of a better world.

Land: Land of rainbows and kittens.

Land of Holes and Crowds, a land spotted with seemingly bottomless pits and dark shadowy figures that follow and crowd around wherever he goes.

Dream Planet:derse

oh and also hes alternian

please help me make him less of a karkat ripoff thats kinda what he seems like atm thanks :D

I hope I helped make him a little more independent! Now onto design:

Now… I don’t know what that image you submitted went through, but it was so blurred when you zoomed in that it was easier to build him from the ground up than to try to save it. That’s fine, since I needed to give him some major touch-ups!

Horns: These are pretty much the one thing I kept around. I liked them, and the fit the symbol I had chosen, but I just needed to reduce their size a little. 

Hair: I liked the general gist you had, but decided to make it more scraggly and unkempt. 

Eyes: I tried to recapture what you had, but they’re a little more tilted up! I got rid of the red undereye bags because that doesn’t happen naturally, Equius has those because he gave himself two black eyes. 

Glasses: If you want to set two Homestuck characters apart design-wise, glasses are always a brilliant idea. I made them cracked, though, because he’s probably had them for a while and, possibly, stole them. 

Mouth: A Frown, complete with a little scar. 

Jacket: I took it from fan-troll, which is where I think you got your original version, too! I made it black, though, and added a light grey t-shirt underneath. 

Symbol: I made it hemo-anon. 

Shorts: Also from fan-troll, I wanted something really torn and tattered and worn. 

Shoes: They’re John’s! Just to keep it simple and like something he might’ve scrounged up from a dump. 

Thank you for sharing. He is officially Not Karkat.

-CD

[susannaprouse]

Six - Quito and Latacunga

We woke up after our final night in Quito and ready to catch the bus to Latacunga for the start of the 3 day Quilotoa Hike. But before we did that we had some errands to run, Mike had managed to get an infection on his feet after wearing sodden trainers all week in Switzerland. When we found out what it was I googled it. Apparently it's most common in soldiers. Wearing boots. In the trenches. He basically had trench foot. So we went out to find a pharmacy and some sandals to let his feet recover.

We found a pharmacy and Mike, being very clever, had translated what the ailment was and what medication he needed to Spanish so he could just show the woman there. The woman seemed amused but did have the antibiotic cream needed. Next up, sandals.

We walked and walked looking for mens sandals but couldn't find anything other than a pair costing $50 and that Mike probably would never wear again. About to turn back to the hostel we saw a cheap looking shop filled to the brim with rubbish. We looked around and saw a cheap shoe section, loads of women's flip flops but no mens sandals. What we did spy was - dare I say it - Crocs. Or at least knock off Crocs. Mike and I looked at each other knowingly. After discussing it, we convinced ourselves that Crocs were fine, they were so anti-fashion they'd come round the other side and were, in fact, cool. Plus Mike could wear them going in and out of the garden. So cool.

So, the deed was done and Mike bought $5 knock off Crocs. They were made in Ecuador so we're continuing to support the local economy! And I think I even quite like them. I'm even a little bit jealous, they're so comfy and light. But the time hasn't come for me yet.

Pleased with our shopping trip we walked back to the hostel and organised a taxi to the bus station. The bus station was fairly quiet except for all the people shouting destinations and trying to get you to buy tickets from them. A bit like buying tickets from different companies online in the UK, in Ecuador all those companies are in a big building. We quickly bought our tickets for $2 and found the bus. Within minutes we were off.

It was nice to see some more of Ecuador on the bus ride, I especially liked seeing the indigenous women wearing their traditional dress - trilby like hats with a blouse, skirt and tasselled shawl.

The bus journey was surprisingly easy and uneventful, we got off and got a short taxi ride to our next hostel, which was nice, cheap and centrally located. A private room overlooking the main square in a colonial town, we felt so fancy!

After relaxing a bit in our room we went out to look around the town. I'd heard Latacunga wasn't very nice but I was pleasantly surprised. There were colonial buildings, a nice square and a market. Unlike Quito, we saw no other tourists so it was nice to people-watch. After seeing all these things we found a shop to buy some snacks for the first day of the Quilotoa Loop and went back to the hostel.

Dinner options were very limited in Latacunga but we managed to find the local burger place which felt like it would fit in well in Bristol. Run by a group of young Ecuadorians, the burgers were delicious and along with fries were only $2.75!! We wanted a very early night to try to make the 6.40 alarm a little easier before heading off for the Quilotoa Loop, so we headed back to the hotel to watch a film (which we fell asleep during).

[july-19th-club]

The Roommate Pt. 3

(Part 1 HERE) (Part 2 HERE)  

I told you I’d put one up today! Figure from now on the structure might be more “here’s a one-shot scene that ultimately fits into a larger narrative about Adam’s life at college but doesn’t necessarily lead one-to-the-other” and less “everything is meticulously chronological” because who has the time? Again, I’m so glad people are enjoying this, and some of y’all’s comments and tags have made me so freaking happy, so I hope this thing really satisfies~~

IN WHICH: I Introduce You, Kind Reader (and Adam Parrish) to the Lush Green Hills of My Own Dear Campus, and Some Characters Bond over Tarot

***

The kid from the seminar didn’t turn up to go running. It wasn’t that Julia had one hundred percent expected him to; he’d had a look on his face when she asked him that said very clearly that he’d been interested up until the running part. But the running trails at the school were all in the woods, and Julia, who’d lived her life in a city block where even backyards were shared or nonexistent, didn’t trust the trees. A deep, greening ravine bordered the entire south and west portions of campus, and over the first weekend she’d been down with a group of sophomores who went regularly to the riverbed to party. There were public and private hiking trails bordering the rush of water; swimming holes with old wet rope swings reaching out on precarious branches. She’d almost tripped in the dark over the growing roots of the trees on the bank and a girl who’d been charging ahead at the front of the group had told a story about walking in the gorge by herself one day, nearly falling on a slick river slab into one of the larger and rockier holes, and only scrabbling back up onto solid ground by sheer force of determination. “I was alone, and it’s not like I wanted anybody to come along and see me like that, you know? Embarrassing. Plus, you know, the fall. So I pretty much swore my way out.”

You do this often? Julia had wanted to ask.

Since that story, and her own cautious explorations down the ribbons of trail that riddled the cliffsides, Julia had been wary. But she had always run long-distance; where before she’d tugged on her shoes and plugged in her music and jogged down block upon block in the steamy afternoon streets, now she ducked into a leafy gap in the treeline and jogged into the birdsong of early morning. At first, the trail was wide, and she liked the soft feel of the trampled-down loam under her feet better than the unforgiving spring of concrete. Looking for obstacles kept her busy – tree roots, branches, checking ahead every few seconds to make sure she could see where the trail was going. Soon the path opened up at a wide overlook topping a cliff: no railing, nothing but your own caution to keep you from sprinting right up over the rise and off the edge, down past the red iron rocks and to the thin grey river below.

Once she got over her shock, the view was amazing, rolling treetops on hills that ran into one another, crowded, as if to save space before the land was reclaimed by the town on the other side of the reserve. The canopy was unbroken except for the thread of a power line. Catching her breath, Julia looked for the next part of the path – did it just end here? To the left, there was an open clearing of trees, green and brown glass from past parties glittering, unswept, on the forest floor. To the right, there was a path, leading down a hill and parallel to the cliff’s edge. Julia took this, slowing to a near-walk as she realized that the path’s descent created dangerous steps in the hillside, tree roots jutting and rumpling the surface of the path. Running downhill was easier than running back up, so she followed – out into the open air again, across a walkway between two hills, three feet of room between the twenty-foot drop on one side and the thirty-foot one on the other – back into the forest, down another incline, coming to a frightened rest at last on a wide riverside clearing. The path from here seemed to stretch, lazy and obvious, back up to the public entrance, but when Julia looked back at the way she’d come, she couldn’t believe she’d made it down a hill that steep. She pictured clambering her way back up, clutching at tree trunks and digging her running shoes into the loam. She found a log by the streambed and sat down, fast.

It was while she was sitting, contemplating taking her shoes off and putting her feet in the water, that she began to hear the voice. Whoever the hikers were, she assumed they’d come down the public path; she’d only found the thin cliffside one by accident. She took out her headphones, turned off Elle King. The voice grew more distinct, and as she stood, she realized that there was, indeed, only one speaker. Whether they spoke English or not was debatable: words poured out as she listened in a steady chant, but as she followed the source – off the path, into a cluster of pines – nothing became clearer. Her feet silent on piles of pine needles gone brown and soft, she was able to stay quiet long enough to find a thin figure sitting cross-legged, back to her, on the ground. As she watched, a boy – a student? He looked her age – placed both palms on the ground, speaking steadily. Ave, ave, ave, terra, ave silva –

Julia stepped from behind the boy to the side, and he looked up, voice breaking off. “Oh, uh –”

He fumbled on the ground in front of him, and she saw that he’d spread out a number of cards in front of him, some flipped to their face and some flipped to the back. Tarot – a beautiful, smoky-looking deck, with wispy and wistful artwork. He stacked them hastily, and replaced the deck in their box as he stood up and brushed pine needles from his pants. “Sorry. Shit. I’ll get out of your way, it’s a public trail–”

“What deck is that?” Her best friend of middle school had been the first person to introduce her to tarot cards, back in their seventh-grade New Age phase, and the interest had stuck with Julia long after they’d moved to separate schools and separate lives. She still had the pocket-sized Rider-Waite deck she’d bought online, stubbly little cards with fuzzy edges and tears, unused for many years and probably in her dresser drawer at home, where she’d hidden anything she’d thought her parents would disapprove of.

The boy brushed a speck off the plain cardboard case and frowned. “I don’t…actually know,” he said. He nearly smiled, and it softened his face from a bony, abrupt thing into something merely lean and focused. “I inherited them, and so – well, I don’t know where she got them, exactly, but. Yeah. They’re nice.”

There was uncertainty in this, an extremely polite hesitation, as if he was testing the waters, waiting for her to laugh or say something rude. “My deck’s at home; maybe I should’ve brought it with me,” she said, to put him at ease. “Not that I’ve read in a while.”

“I don’t –” Halfway through his sentence, he seemed to register what she’d said, and it caught him off guard. He stopped, started over. “I don’t read them traditionally. Not sure if I can? I mean, I guess you don’t have to be psychic, but…I just kind of let them talk.”

Again, the hesitation, waiting to be corrected or interrogated. She felt guilty, now, for interrupting him, and told him so.

“It’s fine.” Now he began walking out of the pine grove and back toward the path. “I didn’t think I was really getting anywhere today.”

“Sure?”

“Yeah,” he said. He tucked the cards into a back pocket, the better to shove his hands into the front ones. “I was about to head out.”

“How’d you get down here, anyway? You took the main path, right?”

“Uh, no.” The question seemed to surprise him. “I climbed down this cliff. There it is.”

He pointed up the scrambling, knotted trail Julia had taken, and without words, they agreed and walked back by way of the riverbed together.

[quirkyqirl]

    My day begins at about 8:30 am which involved me getting ready and making sure my bag was packed. I was very hesitant but I was very skeptical because I was flying Allegiant and  had already been warned about their personal item size requirements. So, I concluded that I will make my bag fit one way or another. I decided to take the tri rail to the airport only to find out that an oil tankard had turned over which made one train be cancelled and for the passengers going my direction had to take a shuttle to the next stop which was the hollywood station. I started getting a little anxiety because I was worried about all this extra walking on my healing ankle which scared me.

The train came and whisked me away to the airport and was still considerably on time. I went to the currency exchange booth because I had left over bills that need to be changed back to US. Then I called my ex-boyfriend that works at the airport to see what he was up too. Me and his relationship is very odd but the closeness doesn’t bother me. He was sleeping so I just headed to my flight terminal. When I got there, I checked to see if my bag fit in the bag measurement contraption.

My bag did not fit in the personal item or carry on section. Well I already had my mobile boarding pass and decided today I will not be a victim of airport price gouging. I attempted to see if if I still had time to purchase the bag online for $18 but I could only do it on the return trip. So, I just made my way through TSA and rushed to get something to eat. I decided to get the beach burger from Shula Burger which has shrimp on it.

My flight was delayed but eventually we did board the flight. No one said anything to me about my bag an at first, I put I in the overhead. Than the flight attendants got on the loudspeakers  warning passengers that the overheads were only for carry-on bags that was purchased. So, I just shoved my bag under the seat and of course it fit. Allegiant and Spirit bag sizes are very similar so I had the assumption early on it would fit.

The flight I noticed didn’t have much diversity like am used to which made me uneasy at first. But once we flew over the big beautiful mountains 1 hour and 45 minutes later I was excited. Coming down the jetway I felt the cold brisk air hit  my face I hurried to the lobby and waited for my brother. He came and gave me a small tour around the area and it its breathtaking with the mountains and all the scenery. His apartment is at the top of the mountains and it was amazing.

After I dropped my things off we  went out for dinner and sat and talked about everything. The lack of diversity in his neighborhood and his decision to move to southern Georgia, business and just everything. I had gnocchi chicken soup with bread, stuffed mushrooms and eggplant parmesan with watermelon sangria. I was full and I had to get a to go box because I could not fit anymore in my stomach. So now I am kind of freewriting this all and so far, my mind is so clear here in Asheville, North Carolina. I will take care of some other projects I have from online and calling it a night for me.

My poor ankle is aching from this cold weather here and my body is aching from this couch. My brother did offer for me to lay in the bed with him but I know how he feel about my snoring and for some reason I can’t sleep in the bed with any of my family. My family seems to all think am the only snorer when they are as well. My brother is the type of snorer that has the deep almost like a vivacious animal sound. Plus, he was in a car accident almost a year and some change so I decided the couch would be fine for me and he can keep the bed. But my body is pissed with me and outside is rather gloomy today. I ate my eggplant parmesan leftovers and it was still tasty. For some reason I love eating leftovers while others throw theirs away.

Well those leftovers and tea just did not fill my belly up for long. I was downright starving waiting for my brother to get off from work. When he finally got off he wanted to just rush and for us to go inside and explore the mountains. I guess he got tired of my whining and just dropped me to the gas station to pick up a few snacks for the little trip. So, once we got the snacks we headed straight for the exit to get to the mountains.

He kept raving about him wanting me to see black mountain. Well as your driving through the mountain your elevation is going up the higher you go. I almost had a nausea feeling just looking down seeing the houses below. Some of the roads are so small and you feel every twist and turn when you are driving. But the views were breathtaking to say the least.

We even stopped to get out because they had some areas well you can park and just look down and even hike. There was lots of people hiking and jogging in those big mountains. I got to say I was so at peace and not worrying about anything. It’s like being there puts you in a whole other vortex thats unlike your current. The weather wasn’t too bad until we stopped to go for little hike. It was so chilly but the higher you go up the weather goes down.

 So unfortunately, they blocked the road that would have led us directly to Black Mountain because there was still snow on the roads. So, we had to take another way by road directly to the little town instead. Once there we waited for this Thai restaurant to open, I had only eaten Thai once before but the cuisine was delish. From the ice tea to the spicy fried rice with steamed veggies. I even had Saki despite my brothers disapproving face; he doesn’t drink that much.

 He is younger but somehow, he thinks he is older than me. Once we left from there we headed somewhere his friend had told him about. The place was called The Light Center which is a prayer dome in middle of beautiful nature. The office and lobby were closed but the prayer room was open. We stepped into the prayer room and took our shoes off and sat and prayed.

 Once finished we went to the  labyrinth maze in the back of the dome far in the forest. With stones surrounding the maze that’s had words written on them that said somethings like light and love and some had sweet messages from people who had lost relatives or friends. We walked back to the car after a while and we both was lost for words. Something about the mountains and nature but I can’t forget about The Light Center. Now I am back at the apartment just getting all my thoughts out about the day and what I took from it. I am so calm here even my ankle/foot is feeling anew again. What will tomorrow bring?

Well it is the next morning and I got to share with you guys how well I slept. I woke up so rejuvenated and thankful for life and the new day I was blessed with. I took a hot shower and got ready for the day activities. My brother doesn’t shop for groceries much like most men so I ate leftover sake and brownies. He wanted to take me to Mt Mitchell and to see Grandfather mountain but the access had been closed due to snow ice being on the roads.

Well after a big breakfast of sirloin steak/eggs and hash browns, French toast and grits with juice we hit the road to Chimney Rock State Park. The elevator was broke so we receive a discount on the admission in. But no elevator meant we had to walk and walk. I had never been this long in nature or even imagining the idea of a hike. But we made our way up the winding stairs to the Chimney Rock and at times I didn’t think I would make it. But to my surprise my ankle didn’t give me much problems I just felt so out of shape.

But with stops we eventually made it to the top, kind of like life its hard going up but it’s easier going down because you experience the tough part already. The view was amazing up there!!! After lots of pictures and mingling with the others we went to Pulpit Rock and the grand finale was Hickory Nut Waterfalls. Which was a moderate to strenuous hike and we made it eventually to see the beautiful sight.  I enjoyed the ride to the park and the ride from it, Asheville, North Carolina has some hidden treasures that I recommend everyone to see.

My last night me and my brother just went out for dinner tonight was seafood. Seafood for me mainly because he is allergic to any type of seafood. We just talked and enjoyed each other company which was the best about the trip. My little brother isn’t so little anymore he is a grown man. Where does the time go in life ? Experiencing all that I have here with my brother I feel was good for our relationship and just good for my spirit/soul and I am overjoyed for having the opportunity to be out of my comfort zone .

  Below is some pictures and I will follow up with a youtube vlog with more content from my trip.

Trip to Asheville, North Carolina

[runlabbit]

Anchor & Hope

White silky fog crawled above and between the mountains of the Marin headlands—the visual is still vivid in my mind even 3 months after running my first 100-miler at the Headlands Hundred. I watched the fog in admiration as I hiked the uphill portion. I wanted to move swiftly like the fog but somewhere after mile 65, my legs decided to go on strike while my mind still wanted to move forward. In contrast to my miserable state, the scenery around me was delightful, featuring a salmon pink sky and spectacular hues. It all seemed so surreal—by this gorgeous landscape, that I am somewhere around 85 miles into this 100-mile race, and that I might be able to finish my first 100-miler (that I regret to say that I didn’t train for.)

Looking back a week before the Headlands Hundred, I heard from a teammate of mine that the race had become a qualifier for the Western States Endurance Run. Another 100 mile race in Southern Oregon, Pine to Palm, had been cancelled due to wild fire in the area and was supposed to take place on the same day as the Headlands Hundred. So the Headlands became the alternate qualifier at the last minute. I was supposed to run Miwok 100k (another WSER qualifier) earlier in the year but a month before the race, my self-diagnosed piriformis syndrome became so debilitating that I had to take a break from running. It took me 2 months to recover enough to run. It was a hard blow as I had to miss all my spring goal races. I contemplated signing up for the Headlands Hundred and went over the pros and cons in my head. Needless to say, the cons weighed more than the pros since my training regimen at the time was nowhere close to someone training for a 100-miler. It was also the busiest time at my work since we have 2 large annual shows that take place in October, on top of a few other new projects.

Ever since I paced my ultra-idol and inspiration, Sky, to her win of the Great New York 100 mile in 2013, I knew I wanted to run a 100 miler sometime in the future. All these years, I have felt like I could not train enough to run, whether it would be because of an 80-hour work-week, grad school, a cross-country move or an adjustment to a new place. The other part of me was really afraid to take on this challenge. Ironically, the more I talked myself out of running this, the more I could not let go of this opportunity. First, I asked my work if I could take the weekend off and fortunately I got the green light. I started to believe that all the stars were aligned for me to run. I questioned a few of my teammates and friends who had run a 100 miler. Everyone said that it would be very tough (probably thought I was a little nuts, too) but no one discouraged me from signing up. They shared their experience with me and sweet Andy even shared her Excel-formatted race plan and planning-list. I, on the other hand, had no race plan. My goal for this race was to earn a WSER qualifier which required that I finish the race and contribute to our team points. My teammate, John Gieng, graciously signed me up exactly a week before the race, on the last day of sign-up. My Japanese running teammate, Yaz, graciously offered to pace me at the last loop (mi 75-100). I was concerned whether I could even get to mile 75 but I figured it would be a good idea to have a pacer since I didn’t plan to have any crew. I also didn’t have all the gear I needed for the race and bought a few pairs of shoes and a hydration pack online (which is not advisable to do since you should only be using gear that you are already comfortable with on the race day.) I only used one item out of all the purchases because they didn’t fit me right. Another good reason not to sign up for a 100 miler the week before.

At the start with my teammates. Photo credit: Jay Boncodin

Uneasiness took over my enthusiasm on the morning of the race. I could not dismiss the thought that I was making a grave mistake. Taking the team picture and seeing all my teammates and familiar faces at the start helped ease my worries. All these years, I had wanted to try but didn’t think I was ready or good enough to run 100 miles. But the ideal timing for a 100 miler may never come if I wait for those perfect training conditions. The race started like any other trail race I’ve ever run. People chit-chatting casually while going up the coastal trail, the first long climb. The day was overcast and the fog covered much of our first loop. Twisting fog and the misty mountain all seemed to reflect my consciousness. The Headlands Hundred is comprised of 4 big 25-mile long loops. You alternate and switch the direction of the loop every 25 miles at the Rodeo Beach aid station. I made a conscious effort to slow down on my first loop but I was still running faster than I should. It took me around 5 hrs just for my first loop. I was hoping to run around 6 hrs so it was way faster than I had planned to go. Rookie mistake. Part of the problem was that I did not train to run a 100 miler so I never practiced the pace I should be running for this distance. I still felt very good so I reminded myself to slow down and kept going. I came up to my teammate Enrique on the downhill leading to Rodeo Beach and he asked me how I was doing. I said I was doing fine at the moment but I wouldn’t know how I would feel the second or third time around. I came to find out that his ankle was hurting and he might have to quit early. I told him that I would see him again and not to push on his injured ankle. The stretch after the downhill portion of Bobcat trail seemed to take forever perhaps due to that stretch being the only portion of the course where you are not running up or downhill. I did not stop too long on my first stop at Rodeo Beach as I didn’t feel the need to change my shirt or anything. I grabbed a few gels and blocks from my bag and off I went on the second loop.

First or second loop. Still smiling! Photo credit: Chasqui Runner

I was alternating walking and running on the uphill portion. Every so often, I saw Steven and Andy running very well and effortlessly. Some of my teammates were cruising their way down Bobcat while I was going up. I saw Megan, Pen, and Janeth. They all looked great and strong coming down the hill. Seeing familiar faces really lifted my mood and reminded me that we are all in this together. Even If I were hurting later in the race, it would not be just me going through a rough patch. The second loop was slower and sunnier but I was still running most of the time except for a long uphill stretch. I was more relaxed on the second loop and took in the spectacle of the coastal trail and ocean view. It was a loop course but I never got tired of the loop because the terrain varied and the trails looked so different depending on the time of the day and light. As I approached the Rodeo Beach Aid station from the opposite direction, my legs were noticeably fatigued and heavier. This was expected since I was approaching the 50 mile mark, the half way point. I decided to take a longer break at the aid station. I saw Jack and Kelly who came to support and pace. Kelly asked me if she could help with my drop bag but my foggy brain couldn’t explain to her what I needed out of the bag. She also asked me if I needed a pacer for my third lap. I almost said “yes” but Enrique, who was hurting, could use a pacer more than I could. We decided that it would be best if she paced him. I didn’t want to sit down because I was afraid that I may not be able to get up. I forced myself to leave the aid station so I didn’t get too comfortable with all the great companionship around me. After all, darkness and solitude was waiting for me on my third loop.

Stuffing my face at Rodeo Beach aid station while Jack talks to me (^^;) Photo credit: Yu-yen Mo 

I knew the third would be the toughest loop since the sun would be going down. My guess proved to be right. I brought headphones for distraction on this part since I had a full loop before I would meet my pacer at the 75 mi point. My friend Kate, who was in the 75 mi race, and her pacer blew past me on the first uphill. I was amazed at her brisk pace going uphill at this point in the race. They were also talking enthusiastically which made me think that she would have a great finish (which she did…2nd place woman!) I saw Enrique running from the opposite direction heading to Rodeo Beach on my way to the Tennessee Valley station so I told him that Kelly was ready to pace him at Rodeo Beach. I was still hopeful that he might continue if he picked up a pacer. My heavy legs were still cooperating with me until a little after I passed the Tennessee Valley aid station. The sun was going down and while I could still see without lights I decided to get ready and searched for my headlamp and handheld light. When I turned on my headlamp, only a small red light would come up. I pressed a few times to see if the normal light would turn on, but it would not. Later on I found out that it just needed new batteries, which I had in my pack, but exhaustion was taking its toll at that point and I decided just to use my handheld light. Another rookie mistake. My eyes were not used to running in the dark and the little light source was insufficient to run on a pitch-dark coastal trail where one side is a cliff and there are stairs you have to run up and down. Many runners passed me as soon as the sun went down. They all looked strong and fresh while I was barely moving. Later I found out most of the runners I saw on this 3rd loop were marathoners who had started at night. At that point the feeling in my legs turned from heavy to excruciating pain. More runners passed me and I was basically going at a walking pace. Navigating at night proved to be very challenging for me and I was feeling defeated. Nevertheless, even in the darkest night, pulling out of the race was out of the question for me. I thought about what Sky said while I paced her at night in the TNGY 100 miles. She was not feeling well but would tell me that “Even if I have to walk 50 more miles I can still finish”. Well she ended up not walking that much and won this race twice in incredible time and with a huge smile, but this stuck with me and became my mantra. She has been a huge inspiration for me to pursue unknown territories, which for me is 50 miles and longer distances. To this date, I am forever thankful to her and many of my friends for giving me inspirations to go further than I could ever imagine.

Elevation chart of the Headlands Hundred. Not exactly a flat course (^^;)

I took a little detour on my way to the Fort Baker aid station but I only went about a mile more so it was pretty good considering my proven record of getting lost while racing. As I got closer to the Fort Baker station, I saw more people and it was a welcome sight after what seemed like 15 or more miles of running in the lonely darkness. A lot of people asked me if I had a pacer and if I was doing ok on that loop. Their concerned faces told me that I appeared to be in pretty bad shape. I told people that I was doing fine. Saying that sort of tricked me into believing that everything would be ok. I was way behind my scheduled arrival time at Rodeo Beach (1-2am) and I still had a long way to get to the aid station. I felt bad for my pacer who had to wait for a long time in the cold. Around this time my emotional state had turned from uneasiness to serenity. I still felt a throbbing pain in my legs, and the race was not going the way I wanted to go, but I had still managed to find peace of mind in the middle of this strange affair. Scott Jurek had said in his autobiography Eat & Run, “But the longer and farther I ran, the more I realized that what I was often chasing was a state of mind - a place where worries that seemed monumental melted away, where the beauty and timelessness of the universe, of the present moment, came into sharp focus.” This quote really summed up my emotional shift in the race.

After 75mi. Slightly? exhausted(^^;) Photo credit: Yasushi Saito

My third loop took 8 hrs to finish, 3 hrs more than my first loop. I arrived at the Rodeo Beach station and met up with my pacer, Yaz. He had a chair ready for me and gave me coffee which was helpful for me to stay awake. I was grateful that he had waited for this long since he probably got to Rodeo Beach way earlier than he needed. Having a pacer in a long 100 mile race makes a huge difference. He had a very bright headlamp so that made it easier for me to navigate. On the flatter portion, I felt like I was running but he seemed to be walking a lot. Miles passed faster than before and I was getting hungry. Yaz was impressed that I had any appetite this late in the race. To my defense I had forgotten to eat on my third loop because I was so concerned about my footing. When the sun finally appeared, it was a welcome sight and I was happy to run without a light. The sky displayed the entire spectrum of color: deep orange, pale pink, and light blue. Fog was still present like the day before but it looked more compact, silky, and simmering. Seeing this memorable sunrise with the fog crawling between mountains and the sun-kissed sky gave me hope. Miwok trail leading to the Muir Beach aid station was another stunning area of the headlands surrounded by tree-covered mountains, You could see tiny runners far ahead on the trail. Andy mentioned it on her blog as well but you feel so small compared to the vast mountains, trees, and elegance of the coast line. After the Muir Beach aid station, I tried my best to shuffle through the parts I could still jog. I knew that my little adventure was coming to an end and I wanted to give it my all within my physical limitations.

Last loop at Pirates Cove. Photo credit: Yasushi Saito

After 27 hrs and some minutes I was going down the coastal trail where I had climbed up a few times previously. My sense of time had blurred and I didn’t know how long I had been running but Yaz said that it was sometime around 10 or 11am. The tiny finish line was within my sight. I was still enveloped in fog and haze, although the sun had taken over the sky. It all seemed surreal. I heard cheering and cow bells from the finish line. That woke me up from what seemed like a long, painful dream. As I crossed the finish line, a huge weight was lifted off me and I experienced an overwhelming sense of liberation. Words cannot express my gratitude for my teammates, my pacer, all the volunteers, RD Greg and everyone who supported me along the way.

At the finish. Official time 27:26:15. I still have this huge GU Roctane mix if anyone wants it....Photo credit: Yasushi Saito

There is always a first time, for everything: the first track practice I did in high school where we had to run 12 laps around the track —I thought that was the hardest thing I had ever done. The first 5k cross country race where I scored for my team for the first time. My first marathon in pouring rain where I seriously thought the race may be cancelled. And my first 100 miler where I had conquered my own fear of failure. As someone with mediocre running talent, I have never dreamed of running this far, let alone a 100 miler. Although my plans rarely come to fruition, serendipity has been good to me. The Headlands Hundred reminded me that a path to serenity is never clear and filled with doubts and anxiety. Sometimes you need to take an unconventional path in life to see where it takes you.

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“There is a magnificent intensity in life that comes when we are not in control but are only reacting, living, surviving. At sea I am reminded of my insignificance-of all men's insignificance. It is a wonderful feeling to be so humbled.” - Steven Callahan