#so i'd have to post all things from 2020 til now

[kkuline]

🧈 — oh? what's melting?

click for better quality

[sunbentshadows]

you post about covid a lot lol

Hey anon.

Wasn't sure how to answer this. Yes, I do!

In March 2020 I got sick. We didn't know with what, and we'll never know. All I know is I had no fever but my lungs were fucked. Tests for Covid didn't exist then - I went to the ER about a week before lockdown, they sent me on my way. Back and forth with video visits, trying to get follow-up care. As long as I had no fever and my blood oxygen was normal, doctors could, would, do literally nothing. Only option was the ER again - which was also, of course, full of Covid patients, and at that point they wouldn't accept you if you weren't, frankly, actively dying.

It took me a year to breathe normally. A full year, using an inhaler every four hours. There were days I thought I'd never get better, and at least a few when I thought I wouldn't make it because my lungs were so sick. We didn't have vaccines at that point. We didn't have masks, actual masks available - N95 masks, respirators, for much of that first year.

I got off lightly. I'm still not sure if I prefer it were Covid or not - that I haven't had it and whatever else I had was that bad, or I have had it, and it was that bad. (Lungs are fragile like that - they don't recover well, they leave you susceptible to worse things and worse recoveries even years down the line.)

I never want to be that sick again. My health has been kind of fucked since. Maybe it's related, maybe it isn't. I'm waiting for a surgery right now actually - amidst the second-worst wave of Covid we've ever had. But I need the surgery, and I can't wait it out til cases drop. Imagine trying to heal from surgery with a disease that ravages your immune system. Imagine getting the disease that makes you cough with several abdominal incisions. Imagine it's because even doctors decided they didn't give a shit.

I should not have to make that choice. I'm fucking furious the world is like this. I want to scream at everyone who has decided this is over, at everyone who has decided our lives aren't even worth the inconvenience of wearing a fucking mask. I am astounded at the profound ignorance and selfishness of people I once considered intelligent and kind. I am aghast at the collective amnesia. This disease killed more people in four years than every war in the US's existence. It is still the third leading cause of death. And yet people find it odd to care about.

Yes, at some point, I hope and believe it will become less virulent. But it isn't yet. We're only just beginning to understand the ramifications of the disease on our biology, but everything we uncover is bad. Extremely bad.

There are a million essays here. They've been written. The failure of policy. The failure of healthcare. The failure of community. The failure of scientific communication. The failure of every single individual choice that every single person is actively making, right now -- it sounds like, including you -- all of which mean people get permanently sick. People fucking die. The collective decision to absolve yourself of your responsibility, to decide there is an acceptable percentage of the population to sacrifice for your convenience. The "individual choice" to not mask or vaccinate weighed against someone's fucking life.

So yeah. Yes. I guess I do post about Covid a lot, relative to some other folks. Because jesus fucking christ.

[crazyalien87]

Fuuuck i hate everything sometimes

I have stuff to do e.g. drink wtaer but im stucking staringbat this website til i post what i wanna post.

Anyway here it is

Idk if im fucking trans or not bc i kinda want ti transition but i dont need to and i wont bc im a fucking coward. Also in 2020-2023 time frame there was other shit goin on basically i hated mysekf and therefore my face and voice and name but convinced myself it was gender dysphoria instead but it wasnt.

Also i uses to have fucking dysphoria of no dick but only after i started wesring fake dick?!?!? after i got straight bf i stopped wearing it and decided i was not trans. But something is off?? But like i still wanna call myself a woman bc that is my experience u know i am female. i havent transitioned or come out publicly or anything ok evetyone knows im a woman. but i cant call myself a fucking cis woman. idk man i just wanna be a buff woman with facial hair and a dick or better yet i wanna be a shapeshifter so if i date het guy or lesbian i will not have dick but if im with a bi person maybe i can have a dick. it is weird bc like i mainly want a dick for fucking women not for gender reasons. Before tho i felt i needed it to be seen as cool or something (sexism). (despite not wanting others to know about it, i just wanted like big dick energy but just dick energy).

So now idk. Bc Im a woman and im fine with most aspects of it. But there still be 2 male things i want: facial hair and a dick. But women can have facial hair. I just want it for style purposes. Not even for gender (?). Also the dick it is for sex so really i should just get a strapon. So like ???. I cant be like a year ago or something when i say my gender identiy is mix of male and female when i just wanna be female but with masculine style and (having) sex? Right??? Idkk bruhhh. Im just a woman who wants facial hair and a strrapon. So im cis? But why it doesnt feel right?! I mean i even have facial hair but barely any so i want more. Like if i used minoxidil to get more is that a transition? Am i an admasculine cis woman?!😭bruh.

Why cant i just be female/woman (sex) and then my gender identiy is like genderqueer woman or some shit. Bc i have fem and masc interests and traits and etc. Idk dude. But then i feel im bending to patriarchy if i have to give myself a separate kinda woman identity bc i want a mustache and i wear jeans. Like damn. But facial hair is male, right? it makes no fucking sense like why does testosterine even affect hair like why does beards and baldness help ur sperm or ur caveman hunting or some shit😭. Why cant we all just be mammals with hair and style it how we want?😭 Why is beard connected to balls😭Evolution is fucking stupid sometimes because damn😭

Idk feel like genderqueer woman is best maybe and just not state if im cis?!?!?! wtf idk man maybe i am cis. But then i cant relate to other women as much as i think i should sometiems and i get confused again😭I had a while friend grouo of sevral men from my computer science classes in uni is that not normal😭(sorry im just ranting rn this is so random)

Like genderqueer doesnt just mean nonbinary it can also mean gnc but like is me wanting to eff a woman with a dicklike strapon queer? straight in a gay way or gay in a straight way? But really i wanna be shapeshifter and only have dick when i have sexy gf who would like it and only when we gonna fuck so it is not gender thing but like??😭 Can a cis woman want that?! But i dont have woman gender identity tho, i dont have brain that needd to be female i just am. Like if i was born male would i still wanna be female??? Maybe?? But i wouldnt remove my dick and I'd be a trans woman with no bottom dysphoria but then ppl would say im not a real trans woman if i like my beard and dick so i would be nonbinary...Idk wtf is happening here😭. Unless i do want a dick all the time not in shapeshifter way but i know i dont need it and i dont want to ruin my chances of a relationship with a gynesexual person like how i almost ruined my relationship with my ex bf But if i want a dick in general (not just for sex) but I dont need it then im not trans right? But if i had it i wouldnt remove it so like...I wouldnt be a 100% binary trans woman if i was born male so i cant be a 100% binary cis woman?!😭

It sucks bc like some ppl say trans is only if u need to transition but some say want is enough. Some say it is only if u transition or not. I'd never get s fake dick surgery if I don't need it...But I would totally use minoxidil to grow facial hair if it werent for: 1. it is toxic to cats 2. What if ppl hate me for it (like those who affect me like family, friends, coworkers, or boss...) 3. What if it is hard to shave or there are pimples in the way or something (much lesser issue than the others but I might as well mention it). But purposefully giving myself more facial is not trans bc some women can grow full beard naturallly...right?! Is my gender 98% woman, 1% beard, and 1% dick?!?!?! or maybe 100% woman but also 1% mustache and 1% dick

But this is all assuming i should define my identity on what i want but that changes😭 ~3 years ago i wanted a somewhat maler face and voice like androgynohs at least but now i dont even care. But i was so sure of it when my mom asked me about it😭ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

What if one day i grow a mustache but then realize i dont like it and shave it off??!?!?! That is normal for men and i wish i had that goddamn😡😭

Maybe im just a woman with hella masculine and feminine energy. Androgynous personality and vibes. What the hell am I on about?😭.

tl,dr: Im female and I like it but I want a mustache and a dick but I don't need those things so idm if it makes me not cis or not😭. Fuck why cant i just be a woman who wants some stuff?

[nightowl33art]

Gonna try to use Tumblr a little bit more than I have been. Will start posting art and shit here. Might update my intro post or something. I also intend to use this page as a slightly more personal place than my Twitter. So I might post things like thought trains, random notes, personal messages, and my less mainstream creations, like poetry. Consider this a start. If there's major backlash or regret for this decision, I'll overturn it, but if not, buckle in for my random shit.

(CW for grooming mention below.)

----

If you didn't know, I was groomed a few years ago. My groomer and I spoke from mid 2020 to early 2023, so I knew him for over two years. He was my best friend. Over the span of 2022 he went from a brother, to a lover after I turned 18, to my ex at the end of the year. I didn't realize it was grooming until late last year, and it still affects me to this day.

Clearing tabs, I came across a music video I bonded with him over. It hurts to remember things sometimes. Listening to the song brings joy, but I feel pain remembering the context I've mainly come to associate with it. After all, I haven't really touched that song since him,, til now.

The entire friend group we had at the time was nd. so we took stims and stuff off each other. Created a lot of inside jokes. When we cut off anyone deemed bad for us, he hoped they'd feel upset remembering these jokes and stims. For us, we'd still be able to laugh and not let these things weigh the jokes down.. Now that I'm on the other side, I've recontextualized some things so they don't bother me. But I can't help but remember sometimes. Those are the painful moments. They can bring tears.

I hate how the memory of my groomer sours some things. I wish it didn't feel so unpleasant to recall certain interactions with him. I used to console him all the time, the insecure wreck. Tell him I didn't hate him- that I could never. Fuck man, I defended him, saying he couldn't be a creep! I thought I got myself into that mess! But I'm a grown up now. I'm the age he was when he met me. My eyes have been opened. I hate him now. I despise what he has done. Although I am not permanently ruined, I am burned. Sometimes the scars are still tender.

Ik he occasionally stalks around the socials of those he's kicked away or those he doesn't like. He hate watches and laughs, calling them pathetic and what have you. I'm not exempt from the list. (In the past he and my ex, his partner, stalked my carrd to find the Twitter account I'd freshly made. I know bc his partner came in complaining about something I'd commissioned and rt'd.) I don't doubt they still check in on me every once in a while.

I used to be there with him. We'd ask "where are they now? What stupid things are they up to?" and go look. We'd treat the subjects like personal clowns and take joy in their pain. For someone so worried and traumatized over being a lolcow, he sure enjoyed making others his. (This is not to invalidate his trauma, but it does not justify him.)

Tumblr. I always viewed this place as his turf. I used to enjoy what he posted here. It was in my bookmarks. Now he's blocked. But I don't assume it'll stop him if he wanted to view my page on, say, incognito. Not much I can do to run or keep his eyes away so i have to be okay with that. BECAUSE of that, I don't mind posting about this- about him- on my Tumblr. So, to my groomer, if you're reading this.

Fuck you. YES I hate you and you're gonna have to live with that forever. I assume you don't care anymore what I think, but I retract everything I said when i knew you. I hate you. I hate you so fucking much. Whether or not you intended to hurt me in the way you have, you did, you selfish bitch. I looked to you for safety but you metaphorically dug your nails into my veins while I slept. I only am awake now to see the wounds. I thought you were the coolest motherfucker alive, I idolized you, I fell in love with you, and now I can only look at you in disgust. I'm aware you're likely not out there grooming others. You only have your partner, who you also groomed, younger than me, by your side, happily taken, living with you and your parents. I'd say it's not okay but it has to be because I can't do anything about it. It was your and his choice to end up where you are currently. And frankly I don't care about either of you. I'm sure you're happy together, living your best lives. Just know you're not having a better life than I. I've been out here, LIVING and thriving. You aren't superior to me (though I'm sure you enjoy imagining you are, sitting in your fortress while reading this in a silly voice.) I've got new opportunities, better friends, a healthier everything, and I'm content with my current love life. Rest assured, I have grown from the person I was when we dated. I wasn't in the best place and I regret my nasty moments. I feel bad for what I've done, but I also have to be thankful. If I wasn't in a bad place, if I wasn't just a scared and lost kid, I wouldn't have escaped.

You grew sick of me and kicked me out of everything we had. You were so petty as to give personal info to mutuals in a gc (like COUGH my irl name, seriously?) So petty to delete thousands of messages you sent me. So petty to cry about me being "abusive." You weaponized and demonized my mental illnesses, diagnosed and unknown, to make me look worse. Like actually fuck you for making my alter Carl seem like a dangerous person. Fuck you for saying I physically attacked people when no tf I did not. I, and most of my system, would not begin to dream of striking a person like that. (The ones that do are using fantasy to cope, I should clarify. We are not a violent person.) And certainly not an animal jfc. "So glad you're away from him," they responded. They thought ill of me because of you. You're probably satisfied with that because you believe it all yourself. I know you think everything you did was right, but stuff like borderline blackmailing me is not the way to go fyi. Controlled the narrative to take away what I had. They trust you, they'll instantly take your side, esp because there's two of you, when in reality what you said about me was mostly misunderstanding or spiraling assumptions because you overthink way too much. No reality checks to keep you in place. I can still break it all down point-to-point.

If I think back, it hurts that you assumed I never loved you. That I dated you out of pity. What the fuck man. I loved you to my last breath,, before you killed me.

But if I was not mentally unwell back then, I would likely still be with you. And that's a terribly unpleasant thought. I'd still be terribly dependent on you to regulate my emotions, and you'd be just as dependent on me. Egads. Yikes. Ew.

I'm glad you broke up with me. Thank you. The heartbreak was painful but worth experiencing, considering the alternative. I know you're not part of my life now and I couldn't be more thankful, but if you're still checking on me, there's no point to doing so. I'm not out to hurt you so checking for signs of danger are nullified. I don't think what I do now makes you laugh either. I'd prefer it if you leave me alone now. Lord knows I want you far away from me. I'm glad I never got to meet you in person.

At least you're just distant memories now.

[aeliagioia]

2021 Fic Year in Review

@energievie knows I'm a girl who cain't say no

@wildxwired @notherenewjersey @shameless-notashamed

Total Number Of Completed Works:

14 completed (5 in process)

Total Word Count:

231938

Fandoms I’ve Written In:

Shameless, Schitt's Creek, The Blacklist

Looking Back, Did You Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected?:

I didn't realize how much I'd written in 2021 until I looked at it! Holy Shitballs!

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year?:

I LOVE A Hat, A Bat and That's Not All & Say Hello 2 Heaven

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year?:

I mean, continuing my whacky Gallavich tentacle fic that I started in 2020 was risky I guess lol Also approaching one of the best writers in the fandom about writing a coda to a beloved story was also risky!

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year?:

There are a few I'd like to wrap up, make room for new things in my head and make room for grad school stuff. I REALLY would like to work on and post at least some of the Mosher RPF fic my best friend and I started a long ass time ago and the Schitt's Creek murder mystery I started too.

Most Popular Story Of The Year?:

By kudos: A Hat, A Bat and That's Not All (linked above) By hits: the yet unfinished The Way We Get By

Story Of Mine Most Under-Appreciated By The Universe, In My Opinion:

I have such a love for Say Hello 2 Heaven (linked above) I wish it got more readers. I think they get scared away by the major character death tag but the ending is so lovely!!

Most Fun Story To Write:

No One Here Gets Out Alive was great. I wrote it in under 12 hours to post in time for Gallavich Week and I got to undo some serious plot crimes of the series.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story:

I was pretty manic when I wrote my Gallavich Week stuff but looking back it hurts to read Now It's Three in the Mornin' a little.

Biggest Disappointment:

I still hate Til I Hear It From You. I can't get it right and think about deleting it all the time. I had such hope for my Gin Blossoms Trilogy! Hey Jealousy is still one of faves though!

Biggest Surprise:

Honestly I'm still not over how much I produced last year lmao

My Favorite Part Of Fandom This Year:

Very yes to participating in my first Gallavich Week, all the Gallacraft stuff, getting to meet and become friendly with folks here on Tumblr, starting my GallavichCats account on IG and allllllll the podficcing :)

[bryan360]

My YCCTEAM's Wireless Switch Pro Controller - Part 8 (Playtime Battery Life Results)

Hi guys and my friends. I'm back to bring you my next YCCTEAM Controller topic that I took from past weeks of 🍀March 2021, but man that is like took forever to show this as my playtime results after using my controller. Just to clarify or something, I've been doing my next topic part with my controller to see how much playtime I'll having til the controller's batteries run out. Only thing is that my YCCTEAM Controller's battery had been still running well through some days I tracked on; from back in March 5th until 14th til the controller's battery finally almost running out as I stopped. I would've original plan to stop my results when if my YCCTEAM Controller's battery run out completely, but maybe not? ^^* I mean if it would to, then I would be take plenty of hours during the weekends more often. However since I already got the results from top, I would take a guess to learn how much playtime til the batteries runs out eventually.

By the way, I'd use my iPad Mini 2's timer and screenshots of my results I've putting down I gotten. This one different cause I took them back in March 5 til 14th that you already know. It won't be simply unlike my charging results for my YCCTEAM Controller I did last time.

1st Image from top left

From March 5th that I started this progress with my YCCTEAM Controller to track time; spending hours of playing Super Smash Bros Ultimate like I always do. I even picked the latest new fighter that you may know, but best that I can save my thoughts soon for this month or another month if I had trouble with my schedule a little. Nevertheless, at least knowing it took me of what it looks like 2 hours and 52 minutes on first try.

2nd Image from top right

It's been 7 days after I was doing some stuff with homework and drawing to get by, but on day 12th I'm back to continuing of my test at least 1 hour and 26 minutes through Super Smash Bros Ultimate a second time. ^^* Again that I been using the latest new fighter by doing Classic Mode, but it so hard that I was so close to getting 9.9 Intensity score. Yet the battery for my controller still fully charged of what I saw on screen.

3rd Image from middle left

At day 13th, I putting up a notch by doing a third try using my controller to play Luigi's Mansion 3; which if you know that I owned it from last year. Link Here It was actually a good game that I remember my first play to try back in December 29th, 2020. However, I wanted to reset things up to get any collectables of ghost and gems to hoping of getting that 100% completion. For doing so, I using my iPad Mini 2's timer again to track how much time I'll having to get Luigi's Mansion 3's 100% completion; while trying to drain the battery of my controller. So far, it took me 4 hours and 4 minutes before taking it break. At least knowing the batteries from my YCCTEAM Controller had finally powered down on half. 🙂👍🏼

4th Image from middle right

The same day that I went through lunch later, but back to continuing my progress still; even I would reset the timer instead I should've save it while playing Luigi's Mansion 3 again. It took me about 4 hours and 35 minutes I gotten before decided to take a ease. Yet the batteries from my YCCTEAM Controller still had half power before hoping it can reach to power down.

5th/Final Image from bottom last

Finally that I REALLY going through there for day 14th as I took 9 hours and 55 minutes of playtime with my YCCTEAM Controller. Yeah, it actually go through there non-stop at least on Sunday; just to make sure the batteries can finally drain out some more. Don't worry that I'm fine about having a blast with Super Smash Bros Ultimate and Luigi's Mansion 3 games at the same time; in making turns of course. At least knowing my controller's batteries is finally almost low power just before I can take a break at 7:20 P.M.

Whew! It was really something that I been using my YCCTEAM Controller through about 4 days (since from past 7 days that I was out after March 5th for my first progress til 14th to finished) with the batteries is working fine through more hours than I thought would be. Wondering what kind of batteries it was to power up my controller? Well, I look on its instruction book for the controller's battery was built in "1000mAh polymer lithium" that it can run about 8-10 hours.

However, I don't think that wasn't it after I been through my progress with my YCCTEAM Controller that took me days til the battery is running low. Also, the controller on the back saids that the battery capacity was "3.7V 1200mAH" instead of "1000mAh" from what the instructions book said.

It really get me confused the fact the controller's battery had a different built-in that it tooks me days after using it for my Nintendo Switch console with Super Smash Bros Ultimate and Luigi's Mansion 3. After checking some results at the end though, I'm guessing the different built-in battery set for my YCCTEAM Controller will take about 20 or more hours of playtime. I'm not sure it was the official answer I'll take, but still.

My Thoughts:

The batteries for my YCCTEAM Controller I've been using for days sure works me hard, even taking through more hours of playtime can be a good thing for the weekends to plan with your ownNintendo Switch system. That being said, I couldn’t put a finger on about what kind of build-in battery for my YCCTEAM Controller had gotten after playing it for 20 or more hours. I even look through online to double check the same controller’s details in Amazon.com, but still said it can take 10 hours of playtime. Link Here

I’m taking a guess after reading the controller on the back saids the battery capacity was “3.7V 1200mAH” had to do with taking 20 or more hours after using my controller. Hard to say, but it was likely in theory. Who knows if I’ll be taking another battery result test for next time soon, but for now it was a good first one I gotten from past weeks of 🍀March 2021.

Before I can finish off my next topic part for my YCCTEAM Controller and onto the next one, I like to apologize to my friends that I’ll be delaying my next DeviantArt posts til next month for Sam’s new bio and reactions with my main OCs to Pyra/Mythra after joining Smash Bros. Let’s just say that I’m working some drafts to make and other one of course, my homework writing after the package send me by mail. Yeesh.... 😑 Again, I’m sorry to my friends that I’ll be delaying my next DeviantArt posting plans at least next month soon. Though considering we have 2 weeks left until March 31st; which is the exact date til Nintendo will stop selling Super Mario 3D All-Stars, I would get into showing me playing my last year’s Christmas game now. I’ll even added through my next topic part with my YCCTEAM Controller on hand, but I promised I’ll bring up the gyro control testing first. Sorry. ^^*

Pervious Posts for my YCCTEAM’s Pro Controller Topic:

Wireless Switch Pro Controller for Nintendo Switch/Switch Lite (Part 1) - Link Here #1

My YCCTEAM’s Wireless Switch Pro Controller for Nintendo Switch/Switch Lite Unboxing (Part 2) - Link Here #2

My YCCTEAM’s Wireless Switch Pro Controller for Nintendo Switch/Switch Lite Comparison with my Xbox One (Part 3) - Link Here #3

My YCCTEAM’s Wireless Switch Pro Controller for Nintendo Switch/Switch Lite Comparison with my Nintendo Switch’s Joy-Cons (Part 4) - Link Here #4

Testing Buttons (Part 5) - Link Here #5

Rumble Feature Testing (Part 6) - Link Here #6

Battery Charging Test (Part 7) - Link Here #7

[enduranceron-blog]

Think I’ll Hit The Peace Trail - Chesterfield Gorge 25K - Race Report

It's been awhile since I've written a race report (Falmouth Road Race - 2018) and though this may not be a full blown report I thought today's race deserved a bit more than the 280 character review or short blurb of "Great Run!". In this day and age of posting only when things go great or only sharing things that seem positive I wanted to ensure I give a true representation of today's run. It still amazes me after all these years the lessons that pursuing this hobby of endurance sports can teach me. Having participated in this hobby for 25 years you'd think I'd have seen and felt it all by now.

I was invited to run this race from my good friend Todd who was serving as volunteer coordinator for this race. And having not run a in person race since 2019 (Lake Warmaug 50K) and a full 2020 (and so far 2021) of virtual events I was confident I could jump in handle the distance. I signed up with the goal of just running and enjoying another day on the trails. It was great to once again do the pre-race prep and pack and enjoy the drive to the event. Seeing Todd at the start and getting to spend time with him made the trip worth it in and of itself. Being surrounded by like-minded folks and soaking in the pre-race chatter and vibe had a welcoming feeling. Having been on many of start line there was no nerves or apprehension just a calm and joyful feeling within to be once again doing what I love. I thoroughly enjoyed the old school feel to the event and being in the last wave of runners the group I was in was small (20 runners or so) compared to other races I have done. After a fairly straightforward course description from the RD (Up the dirt road til you hit gravel and turn around) we were off.

Up til now the race was every bit as normal as any other trail race I'd done. As our group headed out you could sense the energy and enthusiasm and the group accelerated down the double track. Even myself, that came in with the stated goal of just cruising, got caught up in it and I could feel the pace being much quicker than I'd expected or wanted. As I slowed myself purposely and let folks get farther into the distance though I began to hear less and less footsteps behind me. So much so that I knew I was either last or 2nd to last in this group. You would think by now having done this enough I wouldn't let this bother me....well if I am being honest, it did. And this is where the first lesson of the day was to be taught to me. In my daily meditation practice one of the things I try to work on is not letting the Ego be in control. To let pressures of appearance or status or ranking determine an experience or the good things that can come from it. Now, this was no longer something to work on in theory but today's it was to be in the heat of the moment. During one of my favorite activities. I'd like to say I passed with flying colors but as I try to live my life more honestly, I will say it took another mile or so until I finally accepted in practice.

So, I let go and decided that no matter what place I finish in or what time I finish, being here today was enough. I decided to spin my perspective and be truly appreciative of where I was and what I was able to experience.

As this another mile or so was taking place it was also becoming apparent to me that this wa snot the only lesson to be learned today. Anyone that has attempted multiple events will tell you that somedays everything lines up and the universe comes together and you can have a perfect race. Sometimes though, it is grind. Sometimes, the mind doesn't want to do what the body is ready for. And other times, the body doesn't want to listen to the mind and do everything the mind knows it can. The latter would be that kind of race for me.

As I came into the first unmanned aid station it was clear to me by the tightness in my legs and my higher than usual breath rate that no matter how much my mind wanted to do this today, the body didn't want to. For whatever reason, I just could not get my body into a rhythm where it could move efficiently and smoothly. Instead it labored along. My heart rate higher than it usually is and my breath rate following along. My left quad and hamstring both decided to try and take the day off while both glutes were working overtime.

As I worked closer to the turnaround today lesson #2 stared me down and I had to decide what type of race I was going to make it. I could get angry with myself and grind along and make it a suffer fest. Or, I could live in the present moment and accept what was, make the best out of what is. So as I settled into a shuffle for a bit I chose door #2. I may not be speedy and I might be struggling but I could still move forward. As other runners starting coming toward me on their way back I thought maybe someone else could use a boost so I began to great each with enthusiasm and a smile. Offering words of encouragement to boost them even if only briefly. I also took my phone out and finally started to take some pictures. To "stop and smell the roses" more on my return trip. I adjusted my strategy and employed an old run by the clock trick I'd used in previous races where I'd run for 2 minutes, speed walk for 2 minutes for 20 minutes total before a 10 minute run session to finish the half hour.

Before long I was right where I originally wanted to be, cruising. My run portions felt great and my speed walk portions allowed me to hydrate, take pictures and lower my heart rate. Quicker than expected I'd hit the last unmanned aid station and knew I had just over 5K to go. As if I was rewarded for my change of thoughts, I also began to see other runners I was now catching on this return trip. As I ran towards the finish I contemplated my journey mentally throughout the day and what lessons I was going to take from this run. And although this run wasn't "magical" or perhaps very inspiring it will hold a special place for me. One of the things I love about endurance sports is that they can take you to the least expected places, physically and mentally. Even after all these years it still shows me things about life and myself. I've always believed that if you look hard enough, there is something to take away from each and every run you do. For me today, learning to let go and to accept the present moment were ones I won't soon forget.

Ps. I did meet my original time goal of finishing I under 3 hours (5 miles per hour), something I did not think possible 25% way through the race.

Ain't taken my last hit yet

I know that things are different now (I see the same old signs, but something new is growing)

Don't think I'll cash it in yet

Don't think I'll put down my last bet (I'm gonna keep my hand in, because something new is growing)

Think I'll hit the Peace Trail

Take a trip back home to my old town

'Cause everyone back there says

Something new is growing

https://www.strava.com/activities/5612293660

[to-the-moon-and-never-back00]

My starlight✨

It still fascinates me how I found you when I thought I can't be found. You came unexpectedly, you were my miracle. Godsent. We were classmates since grade 8 (2014) 'til SHS (2019). Sa 6 years natin na magkakilala, who knew we'll fall for each other. Seriously, hanggang ngayon hindi parin ako makapaniwala. Yung taong araw araw kong nakikita sa classroom simula grade 8, siya pala yung taong hiniling ko kay Lord. Siya na pala yun. Well, the signs weren't clear until we talked again, and it was...

August 2020

I still remember that day, August 12, 2020. I just got off from work and nagpapahinga na ako hahaha the usual me; kakain and then magbabasa ng wattpad.

Out of the blue, nag message ka sakin. That was literally unexpected 'cause I don't really talk to other people. I'm socially anxious argh idk how to react properly. My first thought were "What the hell? Bakit kaya nagchat to?" Well, in my defense hindi naman talaga tayo ganun ka "close" before kaya na wirduhan talaga ako hahaha.

Pero sobrang naappreciate ko yun lalo na nung kinamusta mo ako. I rarely talk to anyone na kakilala ko and it really meant so much to me at that time. Without any doubt, nag open up ako sa'yo. I don't know, maybe naghihintay lang talaga ako ng taong magtatanong saakin kung okay lang ako kaya noong dumating ka, gumaan talaga yung loob ko. Siguro kasi kilala kita at alam kong hindi ka masamang tao and we were friends rin. Hindi man ganun ka "close" pero I consider you as one of those peeps na mapagkakatiwalaan ko.

We started talking/chatting August 12,2020. Catch up lang sa kanya kanyang buhay. I don't remember ever talking to you like an actual conversation about our lives before nung classmates pa tayo. Well, I couldn't say na nafall agad ako at that moment duh hahaha grabehan na yun. Pero lalo kitang nakilala, hindi lang yung 'Sean' na kaklase ko nung high school. Unti unti kong nakilala yung totoong ikaw, I never knew I could see you in a different light. I admired you, you're just so amazing. You made your way to my heart kahit ang ginawa mo lang naman ay makinig at kausapin ako. Parang ganun na nga, na-fall na ako.

That feeling na I'm anticipting kung kailan ka ulit magchachat hahaha. And then nag birthday na ako, August 14. You greeted me through chat. Hindi mo alam kung paano mo ko napangiti at that time. At that time narealize ko rin na lagot na talaga ahahaha nafall na ako. Shett panindigan mo koo ahahaha char. On that day, hinding hindi ko makakalimutan yung nag post ka ng cover ng "Tanan-VNCE". I was smiling the whole time. Silently hoping na para sakin yung kanta na yun hahaha napaka assumera ko rin that time lol. Birthday ko naman nun kaya hayaan mo na hahahah

We continued to talk through chat. hindi ko na nga maalala ano pinaguusapan natin at that time hahaha. But talking to you feels great. I remember sending you my cover of KLWKN-Music Hero. I don't know if I ever told you this, but while I was recording the song,ikaw yung nasa isip ko. That was literally my first move hahahha. Kaya sobrang meaningful ng kantang yun para saakin. It was my first song for you :)

16th of August, niligawan mo ako. Nung araw palang na niligawan mo ako sure na akong sasagutin kita hahahamarupok. Gusto ko sana patagalin yung ligawagan hahaha wala lang hehe. And never ko naexperience yung may nanliligaw sakin hahaha minsan gusto ko rin maging normal na babae charot pano yun. But at the same time napuno ako ng takot. Sobrang bilis kasi, it was surreal. Iniisip ko kung nasa tamang pag iisip pa ba ako hahaha maloloka ako sayo hahahaha. But I realized that life is about taking chances. I don't want to regret anything, so might as well take the risk. And so I did,, we did...

August 18, 11:12pm. Sinagot kita. I literally screamed sa sobrang saya hahaha gumulong gulong pa ako sa higaan ko sa sobrang kilig tapos na realize ko na di pa pala ako nag reply hahaha. So ayun na yung umpisa.

First photo is my screenshot.

Second and third photos are yours hahaha yung sinend mo saakin before

Fourth photo is our first (virtual) photo together throgh video call sa messenger

Naalala ko pa rin kung gaano ako kasaya nung araw na yon. I took the risk, felt like jumping off the cliff but you jumped with me. Naalala ko pa rin yung saya na naramdaman ko. Yun yung feeling na ang sarap ulit ulitin. I never thought I could be THAT happy. Gusto ko tumakbo papunta sa'yo at that time para lang mayakap ka. Sobrang thankful ko kay Lord nung time na yun.

August 20, yun yung time na nag tweet at nag story ako tungkol saatin at nayanig ang sambayanang pilipino HAHAAHHAHA. Gulat na gulat sila 'cause same. Ang saya ko nung time na yon, kahit medyo anxious pa rin ako dahil nga sa bilis ng pangyayari. We went through that phase. Yung mga assurance mo saakin kasi palagi akong nag ooverthink. yung mga kumontra saatin at first but eventually tinaggap pa rin tayo. Nalagpasan natin yun kasi were stronger than them. Their opinion will never matter. Ang importante masaya tayo.

Umpisa pa lang yon pero ang dami ko nang anxieties na hinarap kasama ka. As a professional overthinker lol, inintindi mo ako kahit di ko maintindihan sarili ko. Hindi mo ako hinayaang harapin lahat ng yon ng mag isa. You helped me be who I am right now.

Credits sayo. Sayo galing yan screenshot na yan hehe.

Naalala ko pa rin lahat ng pangako natin sa isat-isa. Those were promises of forever.

All of our promises are for the future. We promised to be together 'til were old. We promised each other na we'll grow and be matured together and be a better version of ourselves. I promised to be there on your graduation day and you'll be there when I graduate rin sa college. Sabay natin aabutin yung pangarap natin. We imagined ourself sa kasal natin and then we'll have kids, isang babae at isang lalaki. And then we'll have a stable job and we'll live comfortably and happy and punong puno ng pagmamahal. We imagined so many things that we will do sa future that we overlooked whats in front of us. Nevertheless, sobrang saya lang talaga. To look forward for the future together.

Credits ulit sayo

Remember the dream I had before? Minsan lang ako magkaroon ng panaginip. Kung meron man oftentimes I will forget about it pagkagising ko. This one is different, kasi its really weird 'cause it felt so real. As if I was really there. Sobrang weird kaya naalala ko siya pag gising ko.

I am with my boyfriend daw, nasa loob kami ng kwarto sa bahay naka higa sa higaan ko. Sa panaginip ko hindi ko talaga maaninag yung mukha nung nasa harap ko. I had no idea who he was, ang alam ko lang is mahal na mahal ko yung lalaking yun. The moment na napunta ako sa panaginip na yun, naramdam ko lahat lahat ng pagmamahal ko sa taong yun. It's so overwhelming.

I was comforting him, sa panaginip ko hindo ko alam kung bakit hahaha I just felt like it. I hugged him really tight and I kissed his temple. That moment, it felt like home and it was wonderful.

It was the feeling that I never felt before. It was true love. I was like,, Lord when kaya? Is this a sign? If yes ibigay niyo na saakin please.

Sinabi ko sayo tong panaginip na to before it really happened. Naalala ko pa yung date. November 6, It was your first time dito sa bahay to hang out. Tumambay tayo sa kwarto hehe. We talked about a lot of things while we cuddled sa higaan. And then you got emotional :< naalala ko yung sinabi mo sakin and pinanghahawakan ko yung sinabi ko na kahit dito hindi ko babanggitin yun. Naramdaman ko yung takot mo nun na baka magbago yung tingin ko sayo once sinabi mo yun. Pero never mangyayari yun, cause your past can never define who you are right now. And then you cried, that was the first time I saw you cry and my heart hurts gusto ko rin umiyak and so I hugged you nalang and gave you kisses. I wanted you to feel how much I care for you and my love for you will remain the same.

It took me a while before I realized na that was the exact same scenario na nangyari sa panaginip ko. It's really amazing noh. Noong kinuwento ko pa lang sayo yon, I already knew na ikaw yung nasa panaginip ko. Na ikaw yung hiniling ko kay Lord noon na taong mamahalin ko ng sobra. It was a sign, to let me know na I'll find my significant other soon. He's really amazing 'cause I didn't know he will let me catch a glimpse of the future. It's like he's telling me na I will be happy, soon. Trust in God's timing lang talaga. God led me to you. Ikaw yung binigay niyang sagot saakin noong mga panahong tinatanong ko siya kung kailan ako magiging masaya. I thank God I found you.

Remember the playlist that we created for each other. Both of us contributed on creating that playlist. I still remember the day you made me listen to the songs that you dedicated for me. Correct me if I'm wrong those songs were

Always- Marco Sison

I Swear - All4one

Now and Forever- Richard Marx

I'd Rather - Luther Vandross

God gave me you - Bryan White

Swear it again - Westlife

Your Love - Richard Marx

Ikaw at ako - (saxophone cover)

I think I missed a few but those were the first set of songs you sent. I still remember how I felt at that time. It was meaningful for me. Para bang lahat ng love songs ay tungkol sayo or tungkol saatin.

And then it became our thing hahaha its like we were collecting songs that reminds us of each other and then idadagdag natin sa playlist natin. I lost count kung ilan yung mga kanta doon. I already deleted the playlist I made sa spotify :< I regret doing that :< now I'm sad. Alam kong nasayo pa rin yung playlist natin. I appreciate na you still have it with kahit wala na tayo.

Theres a lot of things that reminds me of you tbh. Remember how we use to call/video call like,, everyday and then we'll play Mario Kart. No matter how busy we were, we always try to find a way to bond or play. Kasi we'll be incall during the game. Sobrang saya nun kahit lagi akong talo hahaha. Umay ka na siguro sakin nun kasi walang thrill yung laro lagi akong talo hahaha. Tapos I tried to play ML with you. I never learned how to play that game even though I tried, sayang :< It would be much better kung kaya kitang sabayan sa ML, pero wala eh siguro kasi I'm not really into that kind of game hehe. Kaya naglalaro lang ako pag kasama kita. 1v1 or Brawl hehe. Masaya na ako doon. Kahit frustrated ako sa sarili ko minsan kasi ang shunga ko hahaha. But you were really patient with me, you tried to cheer me up and then tinuturo mo saakin yung mga dapat kong gawin. Sobrang naappreciate ko yun. Those were the things I always look forward to everyday aside from chatting/talking to you.

Everything that you do for me means a lot. What I meant by everything is literally E V E R Y T H I N G.

Like, you would know what to do or what to say whenever inaatake ako ng anxiety or nag ooverthink ako. You know how to make me calm. You know how to make me smile. All your corny jokes and your cheesy pick up lines. Your sweet messages reminding me of how much you love me. You would always say na hindi mo ako iiwan :> You always say na I am your blessing and I'll say the same. Yung pag alaga mo saakin. Yung mga paalala mo sakin araw araw na alagaan ko sarili ko lalo na pag may sakit ako.

All your efforts to make a video message for me tuwing may pasok ako para I cheer up ako. I really love them, sobrang naappreaciate ko yun. It helped me a lot sa work. I did great right, All of my achievements sa work are also because of your efforts to cheer me up. You were my inspiration.

I love all those little things you do, even the bare minimum hahaha. Like updating me sa mga nangyayari kahit tulog ako or nasa work. Ang saya kaya sa feeling na gigising ako na may message ka saakin tapos ikaw yung bungad sa notif ko. And then I will do the same with you. Iuupdate kita kahit tulog ka kasi tulog ka na pag shift ko hahaha. And you'll wake up with so many notifs from me hehe. Yun yung bagay na nakasanayan ko, kaya yun yung naging struggle ko everyday tuwing may pasok. I would be sad every break ko sa work :< But thats all in the past now, I can handle myself now.

Remember the first time na nag date tayo sa labas? Sa KFC SM Sucat. Wala lang, kasi that was our first date sa labas and my first real date everr. And nilibre mo ako nun, knowing na ginastos mo yung ipon mo para sakin, sobrang naappreciate ko yun. Alam kong minsan kuripot ka hahaha at mas gugustuhin mong itabi yung pera mo. Pero pinaggastusan mo pa rin ako sa pagkain natin. At naulit pa yun ha hahahaha. I really don't mind kahit saan tayo mag date tbh. Kahit diyan lang tayo kumain sa kanto tapos bili tayo kwek kwek masaya na ako. O kaya bili tayo tinapay sa bakery tapos softdrinks. Never kong pinangarap yung mga date sa fancy restaurant eeh gastos lang yon. Kahit nga wala tayong gastusin eh. Kahit mag window shopping lang tayo sa mall hahhaha masaya na ako doon, importante nakasama kita. Priceless yun, yung time and effort mo na makipagkita saakin.

Kaya minsan di ko makita yung sinasabi mong wala kang ka effort effort saakin. Kasi I never asked you for anything. You were enough for me. Maybe because I'm not vocal enough kaya hindi mo naramdaman yun. Simple lang naman yung gusto ko sa buhay, gusto ko maging masaya and I am happy whenever I'm with you.

Our first few months were wonderful. Wala nga tayo halos pag aaway kasi kung meron man tayong di pagkakaintindihan, naayos natin agad yon. We were so happy pero hanggang ngayon tinatanong ko pa rin si Lord kung anong nangyari. I thought everything are on its right places. I thought everything is perfect. Ako lang pala yun nag iisip ng ganun. We came to the point na ako nalang pala, it felt like flying and then iniwan mong akong nakalutang doon sa ere, hindi ko na alam kung saan ako lulugar. Lahat ng kinatakutan ko noong umpisa nangyari na.

Everything is falling apart but I'm trying to fix it sa lahat ng paraang alam ko. I stayed with you, kahit alam kong hindi na dapat. Hindi ko na kasi inisip yung sarili ko eh, all I want is for you to be okay. I want to fix you, I tried to help you. Like what you did to me before. Ikaw yung naging lakas ko kaya gusto ko ganun ka rin saakin. I know you did your best to hold on. I know na hindi ka na sigurado at that time, kahit sobrang sakit saakin nun pinilit kong harapin yun kasi may tiwala akong ako parin naman pipiliin mo hanggang sa huli. Kasi ako yung nandito para sa'yo, why would you choose the other.

We even celebrated Christmas and New Year together with both of our families. Sobrang naappreciate ko yun, kasi pinagbigyan mo yung gusto ni mama at that time. Seriously, even though di masyado naging maganda yung New year ko, I had fun being with you and your family. I really felt like I was part of your family too. I'm forever grateful sa kabutihan nila. I didn't know na yun na pala yung huling araw na tayo pa. I shouldve stayed longer. Sana inenjoy ko yung moment at hindi ako nagpaapekto sa emosyon ko that day. I should've hugged you tight or kissed you for the last time. I didnt know yun na pala yung huli.

I managed to be strong for you. Kasi alam kong maayos pa natin kung ano man yung naging gusot. I fought my own battles while I try to fight with you. Napaka martir ko sa part na hinayaan ko sarili kong mahalin ka kahit sobrang sakit na. Sobrang tanga na nun pero yung dahilan ko lagi? Mahal na mahal kita at ayos lang na masaktan ako kaysa mawala ka saakin. Di ko kakayanin yun kaya kumapit ako ng maghigpit sayo. Kahit nararamdaman ko na ako nalang yung nakakapit, sinubukan ko pa rin. Sinubukan natin, pero dumating parin tayo doon na sa punto na kailangan nating bumitaw.

January 3, sinabi mo saakin na mas okay na maghiwalay na tayo and I agreed. Naaalala ko yung time na yun, nagrant ako sayo and I was expecting na you'll comfort me. Na you'll come up to something para mag ayos tayo pero hindi eh :< you decided to end our relationship. At nagkaroon ako ng realization nung araw na yun. Siguro napagod ka na rin. Ako kasi kahit pagod na I would still fight for us. Ganun kita kamahal. Narealize ko rin how shallow your love is, kasi wala ka nang ibang dahilan para mag stay. Kasi if you really want me, if you really do. You'll do everything para magstay. Hinayaan mo akong bumitaw.

At that time I knew na game over na talaga. Kaya di na ako kumontra at hinayaan na kita. Siguro kasi hindi naman talaga ako yung kailangan mo nung time na yun. I was never enough. I felt sorry na I had to let you go. Pero nakita ko rin naman kasi na masaya ka nung wala nq ako eh and then I thought na maybe we made the right decision. Medyo gumaan yung pakiramdam ko doon, and you made it easier for me to move on. Masakit pa rin tbh. Ramdam ko pa rin lahat. Ang pinagkaiba lang kasi, I already learned my lesson and I learned how to handle the pain.

Di ko rin makakalimutan yung time na nagkita ulit tayo nung January. Kasi I have a lot of things to say lol. You don't know how much I want to comeback. Pumunta ako sainyo na may dalang pag asa, baka sakali lang naman. But I was so so wrong. It felt like a slap. Literal na nasampal ako ng realidad na hindi na ako yung pipiliin mo. Fckkkjgs I can still feel the pain ugh damn u.

Naalala mo ba yung araw na yun, halos ipamukha mo saakin kung gaano mo kamahal si Nyka at kinuwento mo pa yung kagustuhan mong makasama siya sa future mo. Gustong gusto kitang murahin at sampalin nung araw na yun. Wala akong ibang nagawa kundi makinig, matulala at umiyak sa harap mo. Nagalit ako sayo nun. Umiiyak ako sa lungkot, sa sakit at galit. And you had the nerve to keep a straight face ughb kainis. And then sinabi ko sayo na "Mahal mo talaga siya noh?" it sound so bitter. At that time, i wish I was her. Mas masakit pala pag harap harapan na. Gusto ko mag walk out nun, gusto ko na umuwi kasi sobrang sakit. Tangina kasi talaga Sean Gabriel, yun na ata yung pinaka masakit na nagawa mo. The whole time that you were with me, may kahati pala ako sa puso mo? Sa mga kwento mo para bang hindi ako dumating sa buhay mo. Parang wala lang ako. Binalewala. Yun yung naramdaman ko noon.

Ewan ko kung anong nangyari, pero sa sobra sobrang emosyon na naramdaman ko, umabot na ako sa sukdulan. I gave up. Para bang namatay yung kung ano man yung nasa puso ko. Nawala na yung 'hope' na baon ko. At that moment, unti unti ko nang naabsorb lahat. Natanggap ko na. You helped me do that at yun na yung naging closure ko. I remember laughing after nagsink in lahat ng nangyari. I forgave you. Inalis ko agad lahat ng galit ko and then I felt numb. I even helped you with your problem kay Nyka. At that time I really want to help you kasi napaka shunga mo na. Without any hidden agenda of getting back with you kasi at that moment I am done. Pero kaibigan parin kita kaya lets keep it that way.

Siguro yung nangyari after that, that was my lingering feelings for you na hindi mawala wala. It was 'love' without 'hope'. Kuntento na ako kung ano man meron saatin ngayon. Atleast I still have you pero hindi na kagaya ng dati.

I just want you to know that despite everything that happened between us. I'm still thankful for everything. I thank God kasi hinayaan niya akong maging masaya with you kahit saglit lang. You are my greatest everything. Greatest love, greatest heartbreak. Greatest lesson I needed to learn. I still hope for the best, for you and me. I don't mind if we go separate ways sa future. You know you have me as your number one supporter and rant person right??

It would be better kung ikaw pa rin hanggang sa huli. In another lifetime maybe? Sa perfect universe baka pwede pa.

Sa ngayon, I don't want to promise anything yet. But I'm not going anywhere. Ayoko na rin mag expect ng kahit ano. Go with the flow muna. I love you, always.

• I love you to the moon and never back. I'll love you always and my love will stay

I know our story doesnt end here.

Maniniwala pa rin ako na we'll have the chance we deserve sa tamang pagkakataon. Like for part 2 charouut hHAHa

yours for eternity,

Laila