#so if you see jokes or whatever where i say autistic about myself that’s why

[pluraljerma]

autistic people is like a siblings to me

[inkdrinkerworld]

I have a request if they’re open! I’m think dealer!remus comforting autistic reader since she’s scared that Remus is one of her hyper-fixactions. Totally not projecting myself into this 🫣

some of my past relationships have just felt like hyper-fixations of mine so I feel like autistic reader may feel the same idk. What do you think? 💗💗💗

i can see this and i understand this and so this was born:

liking remus and laughing at his jokes and spending time with him starts to feel weird out of nowhere.

you’re at his apartment, legs in his lap, munching on some fruit he got when you said yes to coming over, when the inkling that he might be a hyper fixation pops up.

you’re learning everything about him, spending days on end with him, doing your favourite things and his and suddenly the crush you’d had on him feels like it’ll end the moment you say the inevitable, ‘i like you more than friends remus.’

all of a sudden, your chest feels tight with your lack of surety and you curse your brain for how it works.

you can’t stop looking at him and wondering what what moment exactly will your brain decide that whatever is being built is over and he’s no longer interesting.

remus turns to you, cutting your silent crisis short with a worried look.

“what’s wrong?” he asks, squeezing your heel where it rests on his thigh.

it’s hard to find the words to tell him because if it is a hyper fixation remus should know; but then if it isn’t you run the risk of telling him of your feelings prematurely.

“dove?” he sits up straight, hand holding onto your shin now.

“s-sorry, got lost in my head.” it’s not a whole lie.

remus doesn’t seem settled with the answer and takes the almost finished bowl of assorted fruit from you and sets it on his coffee table.

“anything you can talk about?” you’re grateful for the way he phrases it and that fact makes itself known when tears spring to your eyes.

you really hope he isn’t a hyper fixation. you’re not aware that your breathing is harsh and labored until remus tugs you into his lap.

“hey,” his thumb collects the tears on the apples of your cheeks and you shut your eyes not having the heart to continue looking at him “what’s the matter, dove? you’re scaring me.”

he is scared, terrified that somehow he’s ruined whatever you both have got going on and he doesn’t know.

he doesn’t know you’re just as terrified that your brain has built him up and is about to make him come crashing down and make you disgusted by him soon enough.

“i’m sorry for crying,” you say softly and remus sucks at his teeth.

“don’t be sorry for that dove. crying is good.”

there goes your heart, racing away with his easygoing, kind words.

“you can tell me anything, y’know that yeah?” you nod, letting the feeling of his thumb stroking your cheek help regulate you.

“i think my brain is playing tricks on me,” you say softly after a couple beats of silence.

remus frowns but doesn’t interrupt. he doesn’t want to set you off the course you’ve started.

“you know how sometimes you watch a show and there’s just something about it that makes you want to know everything about everything?” you open your eyes to catch his nod.

“i think my brain is doing that with you, but the part i’m scared about is after when i’ve learnt everything there is to know.”

“why? do you think you’ll know something you don’t want to?”

you huff a laugh and shake your head. “i’m afraid that when i know everything about you, my brain will decide that’s enough and i won’t want to know anything else about you again.”

remus coos and it makes more tears spring to your eyes. he pulls your forehead to press against his, noses brushing and if you weren’t crying you’d be hyper aware of how close you are.

“i can’t promise that won’t happen,” he says gently, thumb grounding you as it continues stroking your cheek.

“but, i can promise that even if your brain decides you’re done with me, i won’t hold it against you. and i’ll always be here for when your brain decides that it wants to know something again.”

your tears don’t stop and remus doesn’t try to stop them. he holds you till you cry every last bit of moisture from your body and he holds you some more when you fall asleep clinging to him on his sofa.

[a-teacup-of-golden-cracks]

DNI if you're a bigot (yes that includes you idiots who think I'm a sissy and not a woman) and do not be sexual with me if you're over 35 or a minor

Hello, I'm not going to say my real name so just call me Daniel (they/she and he if you prove you respect me enough). I am AMAB autistic gender-fluid transfem ENTIRELY CIS HET WHITE CHRISTIAN MAN THAT IS IMMUNE TO MODERATION that is a former plural system and now a singlet. I love all things nerdy like MTG, D&D, listening to infodumps, Pokémon and Honkai Star Rail. I also play Clash of Clans but put literally zero effort into doing it well. Also my gender is whatever makes me most attractive to you, but the gay version of it.

Idk what I'm really doing here but tumblr is a great dopamine farm. It's also where I met my besties and (not actually it's an inside joke) wives @subbyblue @atlasofthestars113 and @verdantmothmachinations

You are highly encouraged to do any asks at all I love attentions. DMs are also encouraged as long as you get to know me and gain consent first. Honestly just send any ask it gives many happy chemicals.

Minors shouldn't be looking at this blog but I can't stop anyone so 🤷 (you'll get bitch slapped with a block though if you try to do anything horny with me and you don't have your age somewhere or are a minor). However, if you want to ask a question about kink/sex for purely educational reasons I will highly encourage anyone and everyone, regardless of age, to do it. We need much, much better sex education especially around kink and kink safety.

Inspired by @xenasaur

This blog is safe for queers of all types, racial minorities, addicts, age regressors, systems (endogenic included), and systems with littles.

You should know that I'm an orca.... and orcas rule anything they can see >:3

For anything that happens in DMs I'll need to know you a bit first, I'm a person too and want be seen as such.

My general limits are scat, gore, raceplay, ageplay (though I'll happily care for you in a platonic sense!!), emotional manipulation (both directions), corruption of myself, intox without consent prior to the intox and more as I think to add them. Don't act or suggest doing aggressive or controlling things to me (ie: tearing clothing off me, pinning me down, gagging or restraining me, domesticating me, etc), I like being in control of myself at all times and having my body respected. The only person allowed to dehumanize me is me. I like the terms Mistrum, Mommy, and Mistress, and enjoy many many kinks including but definitely not limited to: petplay, sadism, general dominance/control, breeding, bondage, monsterfucking, and ahh... harder kinks I tend to keep to my hard kink blog ( @anunholyforehand )

However, my limits when subbing are almost everything (I'm very very vanilla and just want to be praised when it happens). Honestly when I feel subby the cuddles and comforts are much more important than anything else. Oh hey you actually read my limits, good job, have a link to all my audios I've done.

Also have a link to commission me

New thing!! I am a singlet but this wasn't always the case. I don't expect you to understand how or why but I do expect you to respect this fact. I am one and I am whole now. I will keep myself.

Stolen from someone else but the point remains

Legal stuff cause privacy (I'm fully aware it will make next to no difference but on the off chance it ever matters I may as well have it, took me like five seconds to copypaste the image anyways lmao)

[catboyrichardkarinsky]

the Caroline in the city references in family guy truly fuck me up. buckle the fuck up because I'm going to Overanalyze

so in family guy season 1 episode 6 (YES THAT EARLY ON) there's a joke where peter griffin says he once pretended to be gay by watching Caroline in the city. it then actually cuts to him watching Caroline in the city (well like he was watching what seemed like a pretty accurate recreation of the vibes of the citc intro) and then. well that's it

but of course I'm too autistic to not think about this because i have MANY questions

1. legit where did the idea that watching citc is a gay thing come from. I'm not asking this in a "whoa joking about tv shows making you gay is problematic" way because I'm aware family guy is full of jokes like that and worse. I'm asking this legitimately. because on one hand i guess you could argue that having a female main character= unmasculine=gay but that brings me to my second question

2) out of all possible tv shows to do this joke with... why Caroline in the city. and I'll have more to say on this later but i will say if you look at the time period of this. this episode of family guy aired on may 9th, 1999. the last episode of Caroline in the city aired on April 26th, 1999. i don't know how long the production of a family guy episode is but I'm going to assume Caroline in the city was still running when they wrote this episode but it was very much towards the end. but here's the thing. i spend a lot of time analyzing the cultural impact of citc and I've come to the conclusion that it was kinda relevant during season 1 but not many people watched it by season 4 (which led to that torturous non ending from early cancellation) and i legitimately don't know why this is the show they chose. like if we're going for a gay thing, Will and Grace was already airing at this time, i think more people knew about that than Caroline in the city. and there was a Caroline in the city fandom online but from what I've seen it was veeery predominantly straight. THAT BEING SAID

3) every Caroline in the city fan i see lately including myself is queer. like he couldn't have known that unless he also has future vision but considering they say Simpsons predicted everything in the future the possibility that they got all that but family guy instead just predicted a gay Caroline in the city fandom is SO funny to me

4) but back on the topic, the only other explanation i have is that this is another one of those annoyingly tasteless digs at Malcolm Gets for allegedly not being able to play a straight character convincingly (untrue) but for it to be any of these we'd have to assume that Seth MacFarlane, the creator of family guy has actually seen enough of Caroline in the city to know these things which. surely can't be the case

or... can it?

3) this is not the last time Caroline in the city was referenced in a Seth MacFarlane show. okay this is the really insane part to me. in american dad there's an episode where the characters find a "secret ending" to Caroline in the city where Caroline kills everyone and takes over the city or whatever. it's dumb, it makes me uncomfortable and stuff but there's also two very important things to note about this:

a) they got Lea Thompson to voice Caroline for like one line in this episode. i legitimately want to know what that conversation sounded like. "hey Lea could you do just one line for this episode? it's basically your character from Caroline in the city turning evil and killing everyone she loves in a secret ending to the show, are you interested?" this one isn't related to any of my conspiracy theories the thought is just funny to me

b) more importantly they like. legitimately drew them. like it was recognizably Caroline, Richard, Annie and Del. and like they showed them for like two seconds. that's a lot of attention to detail for two seconds. and again this is not the first time there was a Caroline in the city reference in a Seth MacFarlane show but SURELY this is the last one right?

WRONG!!

4) THERE'S ANOTHER REFERENCE IN AMERICAN DAD! there's a character who says something about how you should respect your elders because they lived through 4 seasons of Caroline in the city whatever that is supposed to mean! that's the THIRD TIME!

5) let's return to my second point for a second. i think i skimmed over one of the most glarring logical issue with the original family guy joke. peter claimed he pretended to be gay by watching Caroline in the city, but in the cutaway gag, he is fully alone in his own living room, watching Caroline in the city. (side note, it is a really, really good recreation of the citc intro which adds to my Seth MacFarlane has seen some Caroline in the city theory because why else would he pay attention to this detail) but.... how is that pretending? who was he pretending to? did he memorize every plot point to later recount it to pretend to be a fan? at that point he's just straight up a fan isn't he? he could've just told people he watched Caroline in the city if he wanted to pretend to be gay! why did he even pretend to be gay that's never explained and it's so specific...

now that I mentioned it it's very specific and familiar.....

6) Caroline in the city season 1 episode 3 Caroline and the gay art show, Richard pretends to be gay to sell his art AND in season 3 episode 20 Caroline and the little white lies, Del and Charlie pretend to be gay for insurance reasons. coincidence? well probably but what if it's NOT? is Seth MacFarlane trying to tell us he's secretly a Caroline in the city fan?

7) let's look at it in a meta way. Seth MacFarlane is the voice of peter griffin. in a way they're one and the same, aren't they? peter griffin wasn't really pretending to be gay, because he was at home watching citc on his own as i already mentioned it. is it just a guilty pleasure for him? is Seth MacFarlane too ashamed to admit he enjoys Caroline in the city so he has to communicate it through jokes in his tv shows?

8) or there's the other interpretation that makes me sound like the gaylor truthers but hear me out. if Seth Rudesky thinks watching Caroline in the city makes you gay but he's also signalling that he probably watched at least some of it, is he just trying to come out to us?

i once thought about turning this into a youtube video essay but I'm not sure anyone would watch it. that being said, i might still do it, why not?

[teddybeartoji]

my latest films!!!

hi hello citizens of loserville i bring you a few ramblings about a few movies bc why the hell not!! very much not proofread i just wrote down whatever popped into my head so yk bear that in mind

fight club (1999) -

this was my tenth rewatch............................. THIS IS MY COMFORT MOVIE OKAYY DON'T JUDGE ME second time to see it on the big screen too!!! this is the perfect movie for me - it has the soundtrack (btw when i first saw this film i got so addicted to the score that the artist ended up being on my spotify top5), it has the actors, it has the outfits, the pacing, THE JOKES, the visuals etc etc etc it's very good for me

NOW this is very niche this is special but just yk stay with me here.... i am driven by two things - curiosity and spite. and my curiosity is very... extreme..... meaning that for like many years now i've been telling my friend about how i need to get punched in the face at least one bECAUSE I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE OKAY NOTHING MORE TO IT THAN PURE CURIOSITY and then i'm watching fight club..... and The Scene comes. brad pitt goes i want you to hit me. huh? edward norton goes huh? and then pitt just tells him that he's never been to a fight and drops the line of how much can you know about yourself if you've never been in a fight - the way my mouth just hung open i think a couple of flies flew in there. bc what. he... he gets me..... I JUST NEED TO KNOW OKAY it's stupid i know i know and yet......... here i am + somewhere on tumblr there's a post that says "touch starved but for physical violence,, touch starved but in a sensory seeking way,, AUTISTIC FIGHT CLUB WHEN???" and this just sums it up pretty well i think

i love the narrator btw. super loser. i like his final outfit and i like it when pitt calls him "ikea boy". he's literally me. + i don't like brad pitt he can die but his outfits in this one thoughhhhhhhhhhhh ULTIMATE GENDER GUY when he has that shorter shirt on and it lifts up when he raises his hands broooooo insane

oke anyway i really like this silly little movie i won't go too in depth bc this post is already long i am writing this after i already did the last two parts lmao

when harry met sally (1989) -

MY FIRST WATCHHH!!!! absolutely loved it. i was doing breathing exercises as to not BAWL MY FUCKING EYES OUT i am a changed person now.

had the amazing oppurtunity to see this at the cinema too and let me tell you - it just made it so much better. it feels... so fucking good.... to laugh with people. no better feeling than just a room full of strangers, laughing and enjoying a film together. hearing a chuckle from a row over or a whisper followed by a quiet giggle or just having the entirety of the room laugh together as one is just so so so good i'm sorry my vocabulary is just good and amazing but yk it's about the fucking point okay. i loved it. made me feel good, made my heart warm.

the movie itself. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA. yeah. the main characters were so fucking great, felt like real people yk. and the dynamic between them???????????????????????? ouch. there's a point in the film where she says that she's difficult while bawling her eyes out and the guy responds with you're challenging with hearts in his eyes while gently brushing the hair from her face. look whatever i might be biased here - as a Challenging person myself, it just felt so reassuring to hear that like that. ++ while she's very stubborn and like things to be the way she wants them to be, he's so fucking patient with her and i think that's my favourite thing of the whole movie. how patient he is. how when everybody else is rolling their eyes, sighing, listening to her tell her very specific order - he's just calmly waiting with a smile on his face. yeah no i'm like super normal about this btw.

the same scene where's she's crying, she's ranting at first, right? she's pacing around, yapping his ear off while he's sitting on the bed with a tissue box in his hand, offering her one the second she throws the away. his eyes are glued to her, he's literally changing and turning himself on the bed so he could be facing her at all time. I'M SOOO NORMALLLLL. when she finally sits down, his eyes are still on her; i'm talking tilting his head just to catch a glimpse of her eyes. + how he kept touching her - a hand in her hair or a hand on her shoulder/thigh sighhhhhhhhhh this guy is the new rolemodel love how i say new when this film literally came out in 1989....

NOWWWW THIS MOVIE AND SATORU MY BELOVED. I THINK. HE WOULD FUCKING LOVE THIS ONE. I THINK HE WOULD ABSOLUTELY ADORE IT. i kept thinking about him during the movie too (smh down very bad) but i just.... i feel like he actually fits the male character very well. he's annoying. he's funny. he has a staring problem. he's touch starved. he's sensitive. he's silly. he's patient (yes while gojo can be very impatient with a lot of things i think when it comes to his beloved... he's ready to take all the time in the world). he's thoughtful. he's a bit childish. he's gentle. he's funny. yes i said that twice what about it. i love him i love them. there's a point in the film where the guy is talking about a hookup and he goes "i made her meow." and i just shghashagsahshgashgahg like c'monnnnn how is this not the most gojocoded thing ever. and he was super chill about it too; his friend had to ask three times you made her meow? and everytime he went i made her meow

this is genuinely a film that i recommend to everyone. it's so fucking sweet and i just had the biggest smile on my face throughout the entire thing ahhhh i really did love it please please lovers watch it<33

dune (2021)

this was my sixth time seeing this movie............. fourth time at the cinema too...... ANYWAY i love denis villeneuve this man is a fucking genius i love all of his movies soooooo much they always look amazing and they sound amazing

the sound design aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa sorry to get weird about it but hearing this is like having a real braingasm. especially at the cinema. my eyes were rolling back inside my head this is not a joke ++ the soundtrack. HELLOO???? i mean ofc it's good it's the god himself hans zimmer for fuck's sake he always delivers he's so fucking good

NOWW i neeed to talk about oscar isaac. very important. my most watched actor of last year btw i think he's wonderful. in this film - i think he gives the best performance out of the whole cast and you can't even argue with me bc i'm literally right. his character is so stoic and he seems so strong and powerful and yet whenever he's with his son or his wife you can just see the love. okay this is mostly villeneuve's directions but knowing oscar's work it's 10000% him too.

it's the small touches and gazes - right in the beginning, it's this important Thing and he's the duke of house atreides he needs to look the part, he looks tough he looks serious but then he looks over to his wife and gives THE most reassuring little look wahh and then he does the same with paul. and it's the other way around bc he looks at paul (his son for who don't know btw), kind of asking for reassurance too although he's literally the duke??? and they can't even stop the deal, it's already happening but he still wanted his son's approval...

i mean then it's the obvious "you'll still be the only thing I have ever wanted you to be- my son." LIKE WHAT AN INSANE LINE my daddy issues are crying a bit i think. and when they're talking he has his hand on his shoulder and it just sooo refreshing to see a father-son relationship like that.

and when he's with his wife, jessica..... godddddd the hand holding when they arrive on arrakis.... the way he lays his head on her lap while she massages the skin between his brows and he reaches up, just to hold her too................. FUUUCKKKK and it's just his eyes man he acts with his eyes and he's sooo fucking good

talking about his eyes- eee wait this paragraph contains a big spoiler ig so if u haven't seen it don't read this one. anyway... when he's paralysed and he can literally only act with his eyes.............. HE DOES IT SO WELL AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA when the baron gets close and talks about how his family will die how his son will die and the one singular tear falls broooooooooooo i can'tttt he's sickk i love him a lot

this is such a simple movie while simultaneously being like light years away from simple. not a lot happens while a lot happens??????? first time u might be a bit confused (this is questionable though bc i haven't read the book but i thought that villeneuve made the story rather easy to understand but my dad (who also hasn't read the book) didn't understand shit and i had to explain everything to him????) while again - not a lot is happening. everybody knows that this is a two and a half hour INTRO to the next part, it's just setting the tone for the next one but it's still so fucking good on its own it's insane.

+ shoutout to stellan skarsgard too!!! i feel like he's a bit underrated in a sense that i rarely see anybody talking about him even though he's in so many big things and he's sooooo good??????? absolutely devours every single role of his and this was no exception. LOVEDD the scene where the baron is first introduced (the sound design and the soundtrack were crazy in this scene too), he's just immediately sooooo off-putting??? he's a bit scary and like weirdly calm and a bit uncanny and well, something is just not right about this guy and you're just hooked. cool guy. a+

good movie. i like. super excited for the new one!!!! oh wait also also they showed us a secret little clip from the new one and i had chills it looked so fucking good and then villeneuve talked a few words too and i was just looking at this guy talking about his movie with a big big smile my cheeks hurt after that i hope he's having a wonderful day

[swaglet]

hi ms. tommy i think you are so cool, i love seeing more folks who say they aren't cis or trans bc i often really relate to that!! could u talk some more about how you're neither? for me i'm detrans and i don't think gender should rule anyone's life, like i think outside of amab/afab body types and stupid misogyny ruining things we're all just human beings. and i don't feel "binary" or whatever, but nonbinary seems meaningless too... i'm personally a (gnc) woman like i'm a female cat, i want to be seen as a cat not as female unless it's relevant, if that makes sense?? idk i'm curious abt ur experiences!!

i know exactly what u mean by the cat comparison. when people look at a cat they see a cat, regardless of whether the cat is male or female. like. u don't see a male cat and be like "here tommy tommy!"/"here gibby gibby!" and same goes for female cats like u dont say "psps come here queenie"/"come here molly molly" ..... you go "here kitty kitty :)" because it's just a cat. u want to be seen as a person not as a Woman Human or a Man Human and the (regressive) connotations that come along with both.

where most people will see a cat and think "look at that cat", it isnt the same when they see a woman and go "look at that person". its like... "look at that woman". idk. i identified as trans in some capacity for legit just over 10 years but no matter what, my life was dictated by the fact that the attribute of Woman/Girl was always noticed and applied to me before the attribute of Human Person if that makes sense. people really do see women and men as wildly different "types" of human people.

even tho i identified as trans for a majority of my life i still never considered myself biologically male because i feel like that would be silly. ive always been very passionate about speaking out about sexism even as a kid and it was just common sense to me that even though i identified as a boy (or as a nonbinary person) it was still extremely important that i am of the female sex. because i was born female, i am impacted by misogyny + have been impacted by misogyny for all my life + will continue to be impacted by misogyny for all my life, and transitioning won't ever change that.

i stopped outwardly identifying with any gender identity label (whether it was trans boy/man, transmasc, nonbinary, etc) when i came across the question "why do you want to be 'just a person' instead of a woman? is a woman not 'just a person?'" and that's when it all clicked. regardless of what i decided to call myself it would never affect the reality of my biological sex. i could shave off all my hair and get really jacked and dress in men's clothes for the rest of my life and grow a beard but none of that would change the fact that biologically, i am a woman, because a woman can be anybody. i still like to joke about how i'm like a woman if she was a man.

a lot of my issues i had as a kid that led me to feel dysphoria is that i never related to other girls. i was never overtly NLOG about it but i felt like an alien and like i was "born wrong" because almost every other girl or woman i came across in my life was feminine to some degree, i didn't meet another ssa woman until i was 13 and i was lonely and thought i was broken for being that way. it's like i felt like i didn't understand why femininity and the performance came so easy to everyone else and why i hated everything about it with my entire heart and mind and soul and body. but as i grew up and branched out i realized femininity isnt what defines "being a woman" and that femininity and masculinity in general are just made up concepts that are really harmful and designed to keep the status quo. i was never broken for being unable to perform or understand femininity i was just a bisexual little autistic kid.

if there were no gender stereotypes i never would have felt that way. if i had role models of gnc people and friends who were gnc. literally the only person in my life to tell me that it was ok to be "boyish" and like "boy things" was my mom and that's only after i wasn't cooperating with being feminized and she realized there are no "boy things" or "girl things" at all.

i'm similar to you in the sense that i'm detrans (only a very brief start to medical transition tho) and i feel like it's important to be honest about that. i talk about it openly in my life and reference my old names and stuff and joke about it. i just am in a different place and different mindset now; i don't have to change my body or my sex just to dress or act in a way that isn't feminine/expected of me. i can do whatever i want.

mostly i'm "neither cis nor trans" bcos i don't think 'cis' is a thing (no one "identifies" with their birth sex they just are their birth sex...) and i don't consider myself trans because i just straight up don't have a gender identity. i'm whatever. anyone can call me whatever. and i'm okay with anyone calling me whatever because it doesn't affect the fact that in reality i'm female. i'm still dysphoric and am diagnosed with it and all but i just don't think about it because i have better things to worry about and don't want to obsess over whether i'm correctly performing one sexist stereotype over another. i just want to be me and let other people know they can be them.

gender is not real it's a set of boxes constructed to oppress and control us. basically i just decided i will not be playing along at all since it is not real. u know what IS real though? my fucking period and pmdd and access to abortion and things that only affect me and other people born female. liberating us from sex based oppression is literally the only thing i care about

idk why saying stuff like this makes people upset. none of what i just said makes me a hater of trans people. they can do whatever they want. 2 of my 3 best friends in my friend group identify as trans and they know exactly what i think and they feel the same way, they just identify differently than me, and thats fine i legit dgaf. ive been there. i get it

i hope this resonated with u and thank u so much for asking 🫶🏻 u can always send more asks or message me if u want to talk, this goes for anyone and everyone

[joleneghoul]

Please give us your 'This is why Ted is autistic' essay, us humble internet denizens need it 🙏

(But seriously, no pressure, I just love him and I'm curious about your thoughts because I'm also Autistic)

Yeah, I wont be too in depth about this because I don't feel good at the moment so my brain fog is crazy.. but basically a lot of my association to Ted and being autistic is me seeing a lot of myself in him (but there is In comic ""evidence"" too). I also think Ted in general has a lot of comorbid symptoms and traits with other things like ocd, adhd, etc BUT considering thats the case for MOST autistic people it just adds to my opinion.

I'm just, going to focus on things other than the fact he's a literal super genius with the ability to invent on the spot and mid battles, because I feel as though that's probably one of the easier things to point out and everyone knows that.

There comes a point where like, traits overlap with Ted having just come out of a coma and recent brain damage but I think they didn't just appear after that and he says himself he just has always preferred doing things certain ways I feel like it can be a mixture of both. for example Ted canonically seems to have some form of light sensitivity or at the very least a preference for the dark.

Bringing forth one of my favorite traits Ted has, he usually has the lights OFF in his workshop WHILE he is working. This is something he himself says he prefers because it helps him think and that teammates bring up as being odd (because for one..that's so fucking dangerous but i get it)

(Justice League #80)

We also see Ted gets so hyper-focused on theories and work that he neglects basic things like hygiene and the world outside of whatever he is focused on (which is actually a really common symptom for people with adhd/autism to experience, I personally struggle with focusing on things so intensely that I wont even notice long periods of time have passed or that I need to eat/sleep.)

(Justice League #76)

Ted also in general displays paranoia (if we are to believe Booster who is literally his bestie) and has canonical depression

(Justice League #77)

Ted also says he prefers the quiet and being alone (though, this is explicitly a statement after his brain damage. but as someone who is autistic and has head trauma im going to consider it both and just enhanced by the brain trauma)

(Justice League #79)

Also this is just part of him being a funny quipy superhero but I feel like Ted often cannot help but say jokes at inappropriate times like when his life is in danger or when people are explicitly mad at him and this is like, a main character trait of his writing.

Okay im too tired to go get more evidence, and these are really just like...within the same 10 comics of the same run, so you get it..its a lot.

[raphaelapproves]

Today, focus was a precious commodity and I ended up behind at work so did not get the chance to post the conversation as promised.

But now, here we are, the "conversation"--and I do use that term loosely--that I had with an Astarion girlie.

Allow me to set the scene.

This happened on a video where a streamer was, I assume, HORRIFIED to find that if she just self-insert played the game with answers she would give--SHOCK!--Gale was the companion who liked her the most. I can't imagine why.

Anyway, the comments section was the predictable Gale-bashing. Some in good fun. Most of it not. And I'm me, so I just couldn't help myself, because I see too much of my younger self [ who still tried to engage with people and connect but didn't know how ] in Gale, so I responded to a couple of comments. This was the one that prompted this little meeting of the... well, one mind and then whatever the other person was operating with. Must have been a different Operating System, because it sure didn't make sense to me.

It is below the cut, as are my thoughts because it turned into a long post as, apparently, I had many thoughts.

Astarion Girlie [ henceforth AG ]: THEN HE CAN GO SUCK OFF LETTO II ON ARRAKIS CUZ I AM NOT HERE FOR GALE'S SEXIST A$$ 😤

Me: First: how is Gale sexist? Second: and yet you're okay with Astarion [ NOTE: the username had something to do with what Astarion could do for them, so I made an educated guess ] who is canonically racist, knowingly lured people to their deaths, and was fine with condemning the world for himself???

AG: are you serious??? 🤣 Gale mansplains EVERYTHING to the women around him including magic to other magic-user, uses coercion as a flirting tactic, & slvt-shames Tav if you're romancing someone else.

Me: Wow. There is so much wrong with that. 1) Tell me you don't have an autistic friend without telling me. 2) He explains to EVERYONE not just women. 3) Genuinely? What coercion? 4) He just tells you -- He isn't for an open relationship [ says he wishes you had asked him first which is y'know healthy? ] and asks you to choose, then says he wishes you well if you don't choose him.

AG: have you considered touching grass?

Me: This is such an intelligent rebuttal. Brava! So insightful and useful to a debate. Have you considered maybe listening to others without belitting them because you can't have a friendly discussion?

AG: 1) all of my friends are auDHD and so am i. you're an ableist joke. 😘 2) now you're gale-splaining his sexism 😂 3) i'm not interested in continuing with someone as clearly unwell as you are, bye!

Me: I AM autistic, friend. 2) It's not sexism if he's literally explaining his special interest to EVERYONE regardless of sex. 3) Again, quite mature. Thank you. 👏👏👏

I am just. How??? can anyone be so ??? I do not even have a word for it. It baffles me.

Astarion has canonically done terrible things, would canonically do many even more terrible if not swayed from it, and yet Gale??? is the one with whom they have a problem??? And they can't even logic their own argument???

As someone who is autistic and has been a victim of continued mental and emotional abuse from someone who always wanted to play the victim card and as someone who was always given the excuse "well they're not well and you know it, so you just have to deal with it and don't argue" when they're going out of their way to make your life hell and trying to frame you as their own personal villain, up to and including gaslighting you to the point of nearly two decades of depression, making you feel like you were broken and the worst human being in the world, and having you contemplating things you shouldn't, and them lying to others about things that happened or things that were said to get you in trouble, I get very, very tired of the mentality I see so much around the crazed Astarion Girlies of excusing everything he has ever done and being unable to even acknowledge a single flaw and attacking anyone who does say anything.

I have and continue to live that, have been and continue to be on the other side of it having to suffer because someone else wasn't held accountable, and I am Tired. [ At least now, thanks to my best friend in the entire world, I can see it for what it is and I'm in at least a better place now mentally, 98% of the time. ]

[ NOTE: This is NOT against the Astarion writers I have seen on here. Please do not misunderstand. The Astarion writers I follow on here are the only reason I can still even marginally like the character at this point. He is fascinating. He is multi-faceted. It's one of the things I love to see explored by those who I follow. It is always interesting to see people write complex and even morally difficult characters because that, too, is a form of understanding humanity. It's one of the things I love exploring with my anti-heroes and villains. In Baldur's Gate, that would include characters like Raphael, Gortash, Dirge, etc. So please know I am not hating on any Astarion writers! Everyone I follow is amazing! ]

But when you bring up those character flaws and morally difficult things that does make the character so complex and multi-faceted, these are the responses you get:

Astarion is a victim!

Yes, that is true. But Gortash who, let's be honest, at least doesn't fully know what he's doing is wrong [ you pass the insight checks and what not/narration tells you/the VA tells you that he thinks he's doing the right thing for himself and for the city, etc. and with the way he was raised, what example did he have to the contrary but I've already gone on that rant HERE ] is to the smallest degree even less culpable in my mind than Astarion, and he doesn't get a pass the way Astarion does? And he certainly shouldn't. He isn't absolved. He is doing terrible things whether he can fully rationalize it or not with his understanding of life.

Astarion though, acknowledges on multiple occasions, gives excuses, justifies his actions at every turn while still knowing that what he's doing and planning to do is wrong. And it's heavily implied that he really wasn't all that great of a person BEFORE Cazador either [ that is not to say that he deserved what happened either, just to clarify ]. But the point is Astarion did, at one point, having come from what seems an affluent family, have a knowledge of right and wrong and still made decisions that he made, even before Cazador and after once he was free.

Cazador made him do those things! Yes, he did, but that excuse stopped the moment Cazador's control was no longer an issue. He had free will and a knowledge of right and wrong, and he made the decisions he made.

But it was a habit by then! It was what he learned to survive!

And that coupled with the knowledge of right and wrong goes only so far as the moment you choose to knowingly make your trauma someone else's. Cazador wasn't going to force him to do the Ascension ritual and pay 7,000 souls for his own betterment. "Because after 200 years of SHIT, PURE SHIT, I think I deserve better." A paraphrase, but I think I caught the most important parts. He knew it was wrong, he acknowledges it and immediately tries to justify himself, and is still quite willing to do it. Literally, if he kills you by draining your blood, he acts like nothing ever happened and then tries to sweep it under the rug with Tav if they continue to be upset about it by telling them there's no reason to be.

And yet, we have a problem with Gale, who can be or come across as condescending at times, but I think you can hardly call a man sexist who made his girlfriend his entire personality--since she was the goddess of his SPECIAL INTEREST--and continues to put her word above even his own life, prioritize her forgiveness over his continued existence and who takes such great interest in literally everything Lae'zel has to say about the Astral Plane and her people. We have a problem with a man who is honest about his comfort zone? Who loves your PC even if you become a mindflayer? Who only takes issue with you when you do something morally bad? Who literally gives you approval points for anything even remotely resembling a good choice? Who feels like he doesn't even deserve a place in the world and would gladly give himself up for any one of his companions?

He's always harassing me for items!!!! AND HE GOT MAD WHEN I WOULDN'T GIVE THEM TO HIM!!!

The count is THREE and you can give the man the most trash items you have and he still thanks you and tells you that he will repay your kindness because he knows what such sacrifice means. He is thanking you--just as he gets mad at you if you don't--because he literally has a ticking bomb in his chest that would kill not only HIM if it de-stabilized and exploded, but also anyone within the vicinity.

Well he betrayed Mystra!!!

He tried to get on equal footing with someone he loved, to share in something he loved with the person who embodied it. Was he overly ambitious? Absolutely. [ And honestly, tell me it's not Gifted Kid Syndrome -coded to assume that he could do this impossible thing. ] Did it cost him? Yes. And then Mystra, who could have fixed it and didn't cast him off. And he still prayed to her. And took all of the blame on himself, despite the fact that Mystra shares more than a little responsibility for what transpired. [ I.E. all of the Origin PCs have been victims in this game, in some way or another, and some if not all of them to power imbalances in relationships. Why does anyone think Gale is the one exception? ]

HE'S MANSPLAINING TO ME!!!

He is literally telling you all about his special interest and probably assuming that you don't know much about it, or at least not as much as him, because he was literally a Chosen of Mystra and an Archmage. Again, can he be condescending and huffy at times? Yes. He absolutely can. Call it a character flaw. Everyone has them, but you know what? His doesn't condemn anyone to death, so why are we up at arms?

HE DOESN'T WANT ME TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE!!!

And that is his prerogative and he's straightforward and honest with you about it. He tells you--if you already started flirting with or seeing someone--that he wishes you had the courtesy to tell him first [ which, IS IN FACT the healthy way to go about a relationship of that nature, just as shown with Halsin insisting you ask your partner first ]--but if you choose the other person, he wishes you both well, usually gives some compliment to the other person, and then continues to treat you well as long as you weren't rude and demeaning to him during or after the fact.

So why???? Is so much of the fanbase SO AGGRESSIVELY against Gale? But Astarion is uwu Babygirl and can do no wrong? What about defending Gale makes me "so unwell", but how DARE anyone rightfully criticize even the smallest thing about Astarion because [ insert extensive list of reasons why none of that should matter ].

That he is a victim, that he's pretty, that his VA has a great voice and personality, et cetera, does not excuse that Astarion has knowingly done terrible things both against and within his will and will do so again without hesitation if he helps him, particularly if your Durge or Tav doesn't try or manage to sway him.

Make this make sense to me, because I certainly cannot seem to make it do so.

I've said it before with that Gortash post I linked above and I said it on a similar post for Zevlor and somewhere that I was talking about Minthara and Nere, but the double standards within a loud portion of this fanbase--even within the game itself and among the people who worked on it--is not one of its better qualities.

[kneelingshadowsalome]

Hey different anon. My message is more for the previous anon. Calling autistic engel a loser is really not okay. I'm autistic and we already have to deal with so much shit.

I don't know if that anon is also autistic. If you are anon please be nicer to yourself and other autistics.

Hey, I wanted to say a few things because I wrote for these cute little pookies and fanned the flames for the loser term:

I myself am autistic and could share my own history of ridicule, shaming, name-calling, “failing” at life etc – don’t worry, I won't, that's not why I'm here, I just wanted to share this as a disclaimer and that I probably know exactly how you feel. Doesn't mean that we all have to go for drinks and form a club now, but I think we all can relate to the feeling of being outcasts of sorts and how rude and mean other people can be, also to how rude and mean other autistic people can be...

Getting in between or in the middle of these kinds of arguments reminds me why I feel like I'm never safe; that any minute I might blurt out or write something insensitive that will hurt someone without even knowing that I’m being insensitive. It's also one of the reasons why I feel like I should close my asks for good sometimes because it usually takes so.much.time to figure out what people mean/want/are trying to say. Like I feel so incredibly dumb here most of the time. Being called a loser is something I would make a t-shirt out of and wear as a joke nowadays.

I know it's not a joke for everyone and it's not a nice thing to say or hear. I see and hear where you're coming from. Just wanted to share my own thoughts on this because there's a context to everything and I took the prev anon's little blurb as more of a sarcastic and heartfelt joke between us autistics, rather than a slur. I hc König as an autistic blorbo, that’s probably the reason why I love him so much, and writing for both “loser” reader who falls in love with “loser” König is a way to deal with some personal stuff... I enjoyed prev anon's ask and thought other autistics might relate to it too because being called whatever is our everyday life (as I'm sure you know 🩷) and for me, it has been easier just to embrace it and wear it like a badge of honor. Calling anyone a loser usually says more about the name caller than the one being called names. So I just wanted to drop in and say that for some of us, it can actually be a form of dark humor, even a coping mechanism.

[florenceisfalling]

ur making sense but can u still elaborate

hi sorry i went to get food

but Basically if you go into the comment section of any post where there's discourse about polarizing topics, a display of something "weird" or "cringe" but ultimately harmless (or even something that is NOT that weird!!!!!), or even just a joke that is going over peoples' heads, you tend to see comments where people will act confused, shocked, or suspicious in a way that is just. playing stupid.

it's comments that are just "bro..." or "huh" or "🤨" or "😨" for no fucking reason. you see "umm..." commented under tiktoks of fat or disabled people showing off their outfits. you see "huh" commented under things where someone's talking about politics in more complicated terms. you see a bunch of "😨😨" commented under tumblr posts where someone makes a joke and then even EXPLAINS the joke in the notes or tags, but people dont look at it bc they just wanna act scandalized instead.

those are the ones that piss me off the most because they're so stupid!!! so useless!!! they're so vague because the person either doesnt know enough with substance to actually argue about anything, or is too much of a coward to make a direct insult, but they still gotta take up space Somehow. the most infuriating shit is when people comment that stuff on a video of an autistic person being ~weird~ and, when asked what they mean by it, just respond with more "😶" or whatever. its such a weird form of cyberbullying! how did the internet find a way to emulate getting stared at in the middle school hallway via comment sections!!

the judgment also comes in the form of suspicion made from Nothing. like back when i used tiktok (why did i do that to myself) i had people who were mad about me calling myself a lesbian go back to year-old posts where i made shipping jokes to comment "🤨" and shit like that. not even abt "problematic" ships or anything, just whatever they could possibly imply a problem into.

its like!! what do you want??? every time i see ppl say that shit i wanna just go "use your words :)" and often "use your Eyes :)))))" because they will freak out over stuff that they literally did not bother to look into for an explanation. they just wanna be spoonfed! its so stupid! instead of just scrolling or at least Arguing a Point they just decide "yknow how should i approach this thing i dont like or dont understand? imply like the subject is deranged/suspicious/creepy/weird in the most childish way possible!" and i cannot stress how banal some of the stuff is that gets FLOODED with comments like that. fat person in a swimsuit! adult woman in pastels! drawing with blood in it! art sculpture that doesn't look cutesy or minimalist! people dating with a 4 year age gap! politics that use big words!

and when they are using a comment that (miraculously) goes over 8 characters, its the kind of thing like "the way i almost had a heart attack 😰😰" like what do they want me to say!! ohhh are you a baby? are you a little baby?? did it scare you that bad??? do you need me to call an ambulance because you had to see a cringe person???? god forbid a cringe and maybe kinda horny or gay person???? maybe even one with unpopular opinions?????

[ocdhuacheng]

Hey, so can I ask about the thought process (idk words but anyway) behind why you headcanoned Hua Cheng as having OCD cuz I'm very interested? :0

KSJDNKSJDFN sorry it took so long to reply to this I promise I wasn’t ignoring you I was just overwhelmed this week and then after I actually sat down to write out my very long answer I accidentally unplugged my computer and I LOST IT ALL so sorry but this version Is going to be rather incoherent and missing stuff probably bc its pretty much just copied and pasted from one of my discord rambles/previous posts bc I don’t have the energy or memory to rewrite everything how I had it before.. but ive kept u waiting long enough so. Yeah. Sorry.

Also if I sound salty at all its not anything directed at you im just pissed at myself for writing like >3k words all in tumblr like a fool and not backing it up then accidentally yanking on my computer cord like RIGHT as I was going to post it. But I promise im actually very happy getting asks like these even if it takes me a long time to respond ;_;

So anyway basically the tldr version is that I have ocd and I love rubbing my terrible little projection paws all over my favorite characters, but also I do genuinely think that what we are shown of hua chengs personality and actions does naturally lead to the headcanon that he has ocd (and ocpd), kind of like how it seems very clear to me that wwx has adhd and lwj is autistic.

Longer version under cut bc. Well. Sorry in advance lol

So. To start off. my ocd got suuuuuper bad in my second year of college, like to the point where my parents and psychologist was considering putting me in a hospital, so i know how awful ocd can get. and because of that ive always been kinda annoyed that all the ocd """""rep""""" in media is just comedic relief kinda stereotypical clean-freak perfectionist haha look at this weirdo sort of thing. like I was barely functional I couldn’t do basic tasks the majority of the time. ironically, my room was extremely dirty and messy despite my main obsession being about contamination. so yeah not all ocd manifests as the spotless perfect room perfect closet perfect desk or whatever the fuck. sometimes its the opposite. I also got put on academic probation bc I failed all but one of my classes (the one I passed was an art class. Lowkey think that class was the only thing keeping me out of a psych ward that quarter. lol. But anyway. That’s a different conversation) BUT ANYWAY it was all around Awful. Like idk it makes me feel kind of stupid for being such a mess before my medications when everyone just sees ocd as a joke or something. like for example, i loove death the kid soul eater, and hes a good character to make fun of urself after you’ve been medicated for ocd, but i wouldnt exactly call him good rep lmao. But after that relapse episode, I kind of really really really desperately needed a character/story to relate to about it but yippee! there are approximately zero (0) canon ocd characters that aren’t comedic relief! but anyway, i know hua cheng isnt canonically ocd but i was actually able to project on him alot from what we got of his personality (and i do gotta say, sorry but despite my attachment to him i dont actually think hes written all that well, but thats another rant), and its part of the reason why i love him so much bc hes like, definitely my biggest projecttion in this regard. so anyway

i mean theres no argument that his personality and actions are very. obsessive, and rather unhealthy to a degree, especially when he was younger, not so much as he matured over literally 800 years lol but he still has some hella issues. so like, [gestures to all of him] with how he chose xie lian as. HIS PERSON, and proceeded to revolve his entire personality and life around him is obvi v obsessive, i think its very obsessive compulsive personality disorder, which is slightly different than just ocd, one difference being (besides ocd being an anxiety disorder and ocpd being a personality disorder.) in that with ocpd, you dont really think theres anything wrong with how obsessive or compulsive you are, while with ocd it causes a lot of distress. (i havent been formally diagnosed with ocpd, but i do think i definitely at the very least have tendencies in that direction too. Like with certain things i know what im doing/thinking is irrational and it upsets me, but with others im just like. why cant other people see this the way i do? why cant they just understand why this is important? like I just get so! Angry! all the time! with people or in general when things aren’t how I want them to be. I get so judgemental even when other people cant possibly know how specific my standards are like I know its bad and I know it makes me act like a bitch and im sorry) anyway……….. sorry about the tangent but back to hua cheng. he is never distressed by how much he fixates on xie lian, the only thing that distresses him is his own percieved shortcomings with how he cannot serve xie lian the way he wants to. im not sure im explaining this well but i do definitely think hua cheng has ocpd as well. his fixation on xie lian actively prevents him forming meaningful relationships with other people, and even causes a lot of antagonism between him and others (especially fxmq). he just doesnt think anyone else is worthy of his attention. which is obviously, very unhealthy and kind of sad. (i do like to think he grows out of this a bit like with yin yu and he xuan, even if he doesnt want to admit it. AND YUSHI HUANG, bc i am also a ysh/hc brotp propaganda machine as well, and well because she was the only one that was willing to help xie lian during the war too. gay lesbian solidarity mwah <3)

so this ocpd thing.. i believe it extends to things like how the temple in ghost city, or paradise manor, is set up, he'd be classic perfectionist for the layout of it all, probably gave yin yu a lot of grief over it every single time he changed his mind and decided to burn it to the ground or redecorate it because it didnt seem good enough anymore for the hypothetical day when he can bring xie lian there. i dont like to think hua cheng treated yin yu badly on purpose, i dont like thinking hes cruel to him for the sake of being cruel like ive seen some people imply or outright suggest, i mean yin yu is obviously overworked but i think part of that is just hua cheng is so perfectionist about certain things (how the temples and manors look, how theyre run, anything that can be used for or by xie lian in the future) and he just doesnt see that its become a large burden on yin yu because he thinks this kind of stuff is just the rational thing to do, and that everyone should put as much thought into these things as he does. and if he doesnt feel like he can get things to be set up the way he wants it to be it becomes. catastrophic lol

so thats more of the pure ocpd side, though there is a lot of overlap between ocpd and ocd obvi

one thing about ocd is like. its all about wanting to be in control of every tiny part of your life. like for me when certain things are out of my control it freaks me out so much that it basically disables me. Its why I hate planes so much despite cars being statistically much more dangerous. Because if something happens in a car I at least have some semblance of control over how I can escape the situation. In a plane youre just. Fucked. (sorry to all pilots its nothing personal I think youre braver than I will ever be but its basically impossible for me to trust you (and the engineers and inspectors) with my life like that) anyway, i despise ambiguity of any kind and i hate not knowing things or having concrete answers to any questions or worries i have. like. i couldnt decide on a hypothetical grad school because i was weighing the possibilities down to like, ridiculous perceived probability percentages of how likely a natural disaster were to occur in the area, and how dangerous said natural disasters could be, etc. (well. i didnt have to worry about any of that in the end bc i got rejected from literally every school i applied to LMAO RIP but anyway.) so you get the gist. its all just very irrational, and time consuming, and ridiculous to try to gain control of every single possible path your life can take. AND I HATE IT. that was kinda yet another tangent but, to apply this concept to hua cheng. one thing that i find super funny about him is how he always has his nose in everyones personal business like hes such a fucking gossip girl its hilarious. like jokes aside its obvi helpful as a ghost king to know whats going on in the 3 realms, but i think he takes his info gathering up to 11 like he definitely has these control issues about having to know about everything thats going on at all times, having to be on top of everyones business so he cant be caught off guard by anything. over those 800 years of sending his butterflies out recording things he was primarily looking for xie lian, but hes also just kind of. snooping. lmfao. Because If He Doesnt Know Whats Going On Everywhere He Will Die. (again)

and well. with his butterflies to help him, it does work, i mean. hes always on top of things hes always got a plan, hes always the one that people are going to in the book if theyre in trouble. He seems so put together but the things he cant get information on completely eat him alive sometimes. cant let others know that tho, bc hes Cool(TM), hes Chill(TM). cant let anyone know there are things that, god forbid, hes IGNORANT of. embarrassing. tch.

his hoarding im a little ? about because i dont exactly remember the details of it but i do know he has a ridiculous amount of like trinkets and weapons and magical items and stuff in paradise manor, but i also know he doesnt really care if they get destroyed or not, which is kind of strange but i do what i want and im making him a hoarder bc im somewhat of a hoarder and i love projecting. though now that i think about it. like if i have a big pile of something that i dont want to get rid of, but someone else does it for me without asking or something happens to it like yeah i get angry but sometimes i also just get kind of relieved……….. idk.

so now about intrusive thoughts, i bet he has suuper disturbing ones. Like we  know how he was debating slaughtering those humans on mt tonglu but ended up not because xie lian would have saved them. obviously that was already a stressful unusual situation but like i dont think that kind of thing gets any better even when hes just like. chilling. he gets visions of himself burning ghost city to the ground or attacking humans or destroying his own ashes or otherwise causing harm to others, like yin yu. like he pretends he doesnt care about yin yu and he xuan and stuff but i do think hes fond of them, but he tries to keep his distance because 1) hes dumb and 2) he gets really freaked out by these violent thoughts he has about them. the worst is, when he finally meets xie lian again he gets these thoughts about him too and it takes literally everything he has not to like. throw himself into a volcano, or something.

and its already been established his self image isnt. great. which is a kind way of saying it. he thinks hes worthless and ugly, esp if he does even the slightest thing wrong. I mean I definitely think hes better by the current timeline of the book, but it still reads as a kind of precarious thing to me? Like he wants to be a companion to xie lian instead of just a servant like wu ming, but even after 800 years he still feels this inferiority and disregard for himself u know? If im explaining in an okay way? and body dysmorphia is also something that can be ocd related. OH and i forgot to say this before but ocd/ocpd can also sometimes be a way that ptsd can manifest and id definitely say with all that he was said to have gone through as a child he has ptsd, leading to, well, exacerbated ocd symptoms, among other things. his body dysmorphia is obviously something he internalized (for 800 years!!!) from when he was a child, and i can imagine him absolutely agonizing for centuries over his san lang form, because it was supposed to be his most perfect form, he needed to make it perfect, and he never felt like he could

similarly, for the cleanliness side of ocd that i feel is kind of stereotypical? at least how its portrayed in most media, hua cheng has been show a couple times not wanting to get things (or xie lian) dirty. he was very poor and dirty as a child so now he has the connection of being dirty = being miserable, and this is taken to the extreme when he becomes a supreme bc now hes rich and able to be clean and any dirt or blood on him or something/someone he cares about (’cant let you down the ground is dirty’; shielding the flower, etc) is like. an attack on this power he has now ? iykwim

anyway sorry this is long and rambly. if you actually read it all… respect……. Also ignore those parts where I might get a little too personal :^) like idk if it is but I feel like I might regret some of this in the morning. honks. Anywayyyy as you can see im completely normal about hua cheng im saaaaaauuuuur normal and well adjusted and I just think hes neat oky byeee jumps out my window

[poisonouswritings]

im sorry i have to say this i dont want to offend but ur mom is so fucked up. every time i see a post youve made or tags youve written on another post and it starts out like "one time my mom" i prepare myself to hear the most buckwild shit imaginable. i hope ur ok

No you're fine!! Don't worry about being offensive lol.

My mom has been going to therapy so she is kinda working on some of her issues but she's still an utter shit show

Little bit of a rant under the cut, tw for mentions of abuse/slurs/assault/self-harm/etc. All pretty vague but better safe than sorry.

And, thank you for being concerned. It means a lot.

My mom is incredibly emotionally abusive (she would be physically abusive if she could be but she has carpal tunnel in both wrists and is also half a foot shorter than me so the few times she's tried it didn't really do anything). I know that. Took me a while to realize it. I remember there was this one time - I was 14 or so - and she was screaming in my face and I was just zoned out wishing that she would just beat me to a fucking pulp so I could have physical evidence of how she hurt me. So that there would be no 'oh she didn't mean it' or 'maybe I misunderstood, I should stop being so sensitive' or whatever. I craved confirmation of my pain. That's how I finally accepted it was abuse.

Admittedly she had a fucked up background (was abused as a child and had an abusive relationship) and it severely messed her up. Being raised in a strict Hispanic Catholic household where the elders were always right, anything going against God was horrible, and you were constantly criticized for the way you looked and acted, none of that helped either. First time I met my great aunt (the one who raised my mom) she told me I was disgustingly fat and should starve myself so boys would want me. So I see where my mom got it from. I think that's why I lost it so hard at Turning Red.

Things didn't used to be this bad. When I was younger my mom and I were really close, y'know? But then I hit middle school and started forming my own opinions that differed from hers (and started showing more clear signs of nuerodivergence) and shit hit the fan. It's one of those things where 80% of the time we get along fine but then the other 20% she's basically calling me a dyke-slut-whore-retard etc etc. Don't remember if I mentioned this or not but I'll throw it here again anyways, she refused to let me go to therapy when I was in middle school (when I was suicidal) because she 'didnt want to be the mother of the crazy kid'. When I was in highschool and was self-harming she screamed at me because 'what if the boys see it then they'll never want to date [me]' and then bought me a cardigan so I could cover the marks. She refused to acknowledge I was autistic until I could use it on my college applications. She always makes sure she's the biggest victim in the room. Constantly talks about/threatens suicide when I call her out on her shit. Dumps all of her emotional problems onto me. I was fucking six or seven when she told me about my dad's affair, and she's just continued sharing every little thing with me ever since. I make jokes about it but honestly,,, if she wasn't a Catholic who believes suicide = Hell, I'd be afraid she would kill me in a murder-suicide thing. I've had friends who have met her irl tell me that if I ever suddenly disappear they're just gonna assume she was involved somehow. So. Idk. There's a lot more shit she does that I haven't talked about yet because it hasn't come up, but yeah it's always the weirdest shit.

Oh I am definitely not okay. I have a pathetically low self-esteem and need constant validation or else I assume everyone hates me because that's how I grew up. I really wanna talk about myself and my oc work but I get anxious that everyone will hate it and think it's dumb and insult me for it because that's how it was growing up. I call myself an idiot because that's what I was always called growing up. I will put up with massive amounts of abuse/manipulation because that's how it always was growing up. Any time someone compliments me my initial reaction is to assume it's a sarcastic insult because that's how it's always been growing up. I've had people tell me that sometimes they feel shitty about their home life but then they look at my mom and remember how great they have it, so at least my trauma serves some greater purpose.

I try my best to remain positive and laugh about things, and that helps somewhat. My Life Is A Fucking Soap Opera And I Will Liveblog That Shit. I probably should get into therapy but since I'm not even allowed to talk on the phone without my mom listening at my door, that probably won't happen anytime soon.

Idk guys. If you have a decent parent then go give them a hug. And if you don't, then, rip to us.

[sava-smth]

I was thinking lately if I'm autistic and i was taking quizzes and they usually fucking STUPID and so heres some questions i have things to say about

I have trouble understanding what do YOU mean by this question who tf wrote this?

How about you ask others?? I have no friends, I don't know!

It fucking depends! What party it is what museum it is! Although, at a museum i can just plug in headphones ... but not always!! It depends!!!

What doy you mean by very strong interests though,,,, you are fucking unhelpful

I did have to consciously make myself to shut up and let the other person to take their turn though but is it counts? Bitches be so specific

So here's the thing: when I'm reading, I don't think. Also, when I'm reading, characters intentions are usually written out.

ASK THEM OK??? How tf would i know! is repeating a joke to a person who told it to me in a first plae couts

And then quiz page reloaded and i lost all answers and fuck this shit i feel like I'm gaslighting myself

_________________________________

So, thoughts: I don't remember shit and I don't notice shit and I can't tell how am i perceived from the outside and nobody tells me bc I literally don't have friends bc if I dont text first they don't text me back and we stop talking very pathetic beside the point

I was thinking I might be neurodivergent since i came across neurodivergent community on the internet bc there was a lot of things i was relating to such as:

- object permanence including people closest to me

- i walk around my room with headphones and music imagining made up stories

- trex hands and i saw a tictoc abt walking with straight hands and yeah i walk wit no hand movements a lot if the time and maybe walking on tiptoes? I don't remember this one from childhood though, I don't remember how/why i started to do this either

- in school teacher was constantly calling me rude (although maybe she was just like this)

- headphones thing. I always wear them. Amd whenever i go on a walk i prefer to go alone (but also nobody ever asked me out too much)

- picking my skin on hands and feets, chewing on lips and inner side of cheek

- idk with eye contact my step father said i look at him with no thought when he was breathing me but maybe it was an insult like idk also i watch person in one eye only but also I don't see much -2 no glasses

- i was kinda quiet as a child and i enjoyed to do things on my own and i had a game where i pretended to be a crane and it was me walking weirdly in a circle and i also remember once i was walking woth my mom and making repetative noise? ?? and i remember it felt good? but them mom told me to stop and i lost this feeling i honestly don't remember ever again doing that

Whatever else i had a thought but i lost it

I thought i might've had adhd bc of object permanence thing but I don't think i ever had hyperfixation then I thought it might be autism but i dont recall any meltdowns/shutdowns/other things people on spectrum describe either but also was this thing where i was in the moment thinking "NOW I'm going to do SOMETHING and uh make drama?" and people around me were describing it as me trying to do things like a character on tv like that time i tried to kill myself?? But also my parents are kind of shitheads at that and even though they are medics they are very fucking dismissive of my concerns abt mental health issues i may have like "yeah depression is valid but YOU don't have it"

And maybe I'm just depressed or what is more likely have an anxiety disorder or both or something else but i need to know what the actual FUCK is wrong with me maybe just to know

But I'm so fucking anxious to make an appointment to get diagnosed bc i feel i will be gaslighted by professionals in a same way i am gaslighted by my family and general anxiety that doesn't let me to make any appointment ever

I feel like i will only be able to go for diagnosis if i know what I'm talking about and sure in it 100% and THS FUCKING QUIZ IS NOT HELPING WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID WHO WROTE THIS BULLSHIT!!!

Venting tee hee )

[m3ntalmotha]

Coming Sweet Pea

I had a mental 'ah-ha' moment. I am only as good of a mother as I try to be.

Hear me out. Growing up in the 90s, early 2000s was weird. My parents really didn't know what the fuck they were doing. And fuck did it show. Which brings me to my point, my mother always had the phrase "fake it till you make it". I have never really understood how damaging that phrase is until just recently. Fake it till you make it really makes light on people pleasing qualities. I'm fairly certain there are underlying undiagnosed mental disorders that run in my family. My brother and I joke all the time about my dad being autistic. My oldest brother, we will call him 'Brian', he might have a touch as well but being the "Dr" that he is, I'm sure he's figured that out for himself and already has it working in his favor. Now I am nowhere normal. Not even in the slightest. I have ADHD pretty sure, social anxiety, depression, pretty sure binge eating disorder, and BPD. Needless to say, the mental stability does not run in this family.

Why is it easier to talk about all of this stuff with you, but not with my family? Great question! My parents love doing this thing were they ignore feelings, re-enforce weird structure and then huff and puff that "I did everything for you and this how you talk to me" cry me a fucking river. I'm a parent now. And the only joy I get from my child is seeing her grow into the person she wants to be. Everything I do is with selfless love behind it. No parent is going to get a trophy for taking care of their child. That's is what a literal parent is.

*breath* .....ranting. Do you see what I mean by unresolved issues?

If you are new here, I have this issue where I go on tangents. I do my best to stay on topic.

So what does this all have to do with my ah-ha moment? I'm getting to is, just trust your Motha!

We take what happened in our childhood in our adult life. Some change it, some their life changed them, and some stay stuck in it. What I mean by "I'm only as good of a mother as I try to be" is this simply. Try. Try to understand your kinds interests. Try to have patience and listen and understand their words. Especially when they are younger. I have learned through my life of dealing with people that most problems are issues of communication. When I sat back and tried to understand why my daughter was having a tantrum, I was able to actually get her to calm down and explain to me the best way she could what was wrong. To me, that opened up our relationship. Something that happened today. As I was sitting here typing to you lovely babies, she is asking me for help with her tiger.

Back story. My daughter is VERY smart. She can figure things out pretty quickly and learns fast. What I have discovered in all of this is: IF YOU GIVE HER THE TIME OF DAY TO SHOW HER SOMETHING THEN SHE CAN ACHIVE A LOT MORE ON HER OWN.

The reason for my screaming isn't for any real reason other than I wanted to just yell it out to the world. I figured out how to apply "teach a man to fish..."

She asked for help with her tiger and I always help start her projects but never do the whole thing for her. I want her to know she has my support and love but she is getting big enough to handle a lot more on her own. Seems kind of harsh, but we are talking about air model clay with picture instructions for kids her age. Not laundry or space science. You should see the look on her face when she showed me her tiger.

That is what I love about being a parent. Seeing your child be excited and proud to accomplish something that was once impossible to them. And I didn't do it all for her, I just helped her on a part that she needed me. Guidance can be gentle and given while being structured and firm.

This isn't some blog to lecture or tell someone else how to parent or whatever. I am simply telling myself that I am doing everything I can for my child and her needs. From what the experts say, it's good to let yourself feel the good. This is me feeling the good.

And weirdly enough, it's healing me. My inner child has been given some time and space.

I don't spoil my child with things. I chose to spoil my child with experiences. Zoo? Yup! Big hikes? YUP! Trips to towns over? Fuck yes. I want her to grow up having memories of road trips with mom and dad, summer vacations, and lazy days at the pool. I want her to live her life while she can right now because once responsibilities hit life speeds up.

Be well my babies, and rememba, Motha always loves you,

-Motha

[weathernerdmando]

I'm... not thrilled with how some people in the Leverage redemption negativity tag are talking about Parker's characterization in the new show, one post in particular and maybe it's a little personal becsuse I'm autistic in the way Parker is honestly. I didn't realize that tag existed till today either, and I'm gonna be blocking it because I don't really wanna see it, and if the posts are kinda the same things I've seen a few times already, it's just gonna upset me. but anyways, Parker's characterization.

Yeah, they never explicitly say it on screen, but they (writers, team, whatever) HAVE aknowldged that they unintentionally at the very least wrote her like that. I don't care they made her 10x more autistic presenting - it helped so much to see that on screen for me. Parker being comfortable enough with the team to act that way? Yeah, she was comfortable in the original, but there's still layers to how autistic people unmask. The cards thing? God, I wish I had that. Would help so much.

Look, I understand it seems a little different and maybe it's coming across badly to some people. I've seen some people feel like it's infantilizing in some ways and maybe I'm just missing it bc I do relate to her - a lot - but. The cards thing? Very much an autistic person trying to be more independent. The child psychologist thing? I still want to hide under a blanket when I'm having a difficult conversation because it's less scary that way. I have to resist the urge to hide under a hood if I'm wearing one and honestly I do tend to revert a little to where I sound much fucking younger and feel it too. If that's something that Parker gets help from with regards to trauma? I'm good with it. Did she even get the chance to be a nontraumatized child in the first place?

Parker also cracks sex jokes and talks about arson, talks to Breannna and Elliot and Hardison and Sophie and clearly does exist in a "I'm a mature adult" way as well.

But I needed to see her act autistic not in a "quirky" way but in a "this is what people get unjustly bullied for" way because that's how I present and I've never actually seen a lot of it represented and respected. I needed to see someone who has a safe place to freak out about vents and have a person who's good to watch fondly as I do it in a visibly autistic way. I get told to shut up, calm down, reel myself in, even if I'm not hurting anyone but maybe drawing looks. And she has an explicit tell where other people can give her some space to do that without judgment. Do you know how much I wished I'd had that when I was younger? I needed to see Parker scripting like that with the cards - I want those, can someone please make them and sell them. Arguably, Parker is ahead of me in that because she's actually has that mapped out. I'm still on "arms crossed is a good chance someone is upset/closed off" and "certain tones of voice from certain people mean they are upset/off in some way and I need to keep things contained and try to not bother them". That last one comes from trauma, that first one is from my mom and is also not entirely accurate, as I've learned, but other than learning how people I know work individually each time I meet someone?? Yeah, l'm way behind Parker in that. I want those cards. I just learned from my dad like, a month ago, that the reason I might be struggling with talking to neurotypical people is that I didn't realize that they want me to ask questions in a specific manner (I'm struggling to describe it right now, but apparently at Thanksgiving dinner you should ask questions after you've spent time speaking? Or something? Idk I just learned apparently I gotta ask things more. I think I'm still doing it wrong.)

And I'm honestly still scared sometimes to act as visibly autistic myself to be honest. I'll slide from the "quirky" to "why is something wrong with her this is Too Much" (this is too many symptoms popping up, it's unrealistic, it's exaggerated pull back into yourself ugh it's bothersome.) Really quickly if I'm not constantly just watching everything, and I'm so grateful to have other friends that are good with me being myself around them like Hardison, like Elliot, like Breanna, like Sophie. But I didn't have that for a while and seeing it on screen IS important to me.

Just. For some of us, Parker really did hit home this season. Some of us...aren't fictional characters and do act like that, and in the span of ~8 years could have that change in personality and we don't owe an explanation for it. And I don't care about one for Parker.

And like this is kind a general post, not towards someone specifically, and I'm gonna be blocking that tag in question because I didn't really wanna see the post in question in the first place, but...yeah. I guess if anything, I'd like to ask you to realize some of us do act like Parker offline, and for us, that's important to see.

[wisteria-lodge]

bird primary (system in progress) + burnt badger secondary (really loud bird model)

Howdy! I’m still trying to figure out my own houses and was wondering if you could provide some insight. I haven’t exactly mastered the system so I don’t know how accurate/inaccurate my claims are, so bear with me.

The “why”/Primary: I am extremely motivated by knowledge. I want to know things, not just out of intrinsic curiosity (though that does play a role), but because knowing why things work helps me protect myself more effectively.

One of the trickiest things about this system is separating motivation from method. Because yeah, they are related, but they're also really different. Like this example: "I protect myself by learning things." That's a how, that's secondary stuff. (Bird secondary of course.)

A recent example is this— a group of my former friends all ditched me because I discussed a heavily stigmatized mental disorder that I show symptoms of. And my first response (other than bawling) was to ask them why. And when I got the answer, I was hurt, but I understood. I don’t say this for you to show me pity, but rather because it illustrates this model in action.

This is a really interesting example. Your friends acted in a way that emotionally hurt you. First you processed your feelings (which you talk about in a dismissive, lighthearted, jokey way) then you asked them for more information... which hurt you, but also made you more secure. This is very Bird primary. You feel feelings, but they're whatever. What actually bothers you is not having the data.

(I suspect you're going to end up being a Double Bird. And Double Birds are unique in that their morality and problem-solving are SO interconnected, that they think I'm crazy for saying that for most people, they are in fact two very different things.)

When I got the why and processed my emotions, I cut off ties and realized that their severe judgy-ness had hindered my life for 2 years. And now that I know the “why”, I won’t bring up said disorder again until I know it’s safe. It might never be, but I still have hope.

You updated your system, and you cut away the parts that aren't serving you anymore. Bird primary.

Morally-speaking, I am very sensitive to the views of others around me.

External primary.

I’m not proud of this. In fact, it’s a detriment.

A lot of Birds feel this way. It's a big part of why they tend to like Lion primaries. Lions are much more able to dismiss things with "sounds like that's a them problem."

I won’t go into details, but my parents are… bad. Not wholly, but they are bad. I’ve tried for years, and still do, to escape their opinions because I know it’ll influence mine.

Parents are sticky. They do that. I've been a happily UnBurnt Lion primary for a while now... but I still sometimes hear that voice in my head that sounds like my mother.

And, much like them, I tend to get over-passionate in what I stand for. Unlike them, I’m willing to change if evidence supports this change. I always, however, carry the burden of my former hatred. I always feel guilt over my old beliefs. Even if I’ve changed, the pain I’ve done can never be reversed. And this guilt eats me alive, this shame of being fundamentally wrong.

Okay. You got really emotional on me really quickly here. This could mean a couple things. Your parents sound like fairly toxic Idealists, either Exploded Lions or Exploded Birds (I'm sort of leaning Lion due to the more emotion-heavy words like "passion" and "hatred.") Birds can feel bad, feel guilt, feel shame when looking back at an older version of themselves that they now consider morally repugnant. (Birds are human.) Idealists struggle with the angst of worrying that they are fundamentally wrong about the world. So you could be a guilty Bird, especially if your emotions feel wrong or unhelpful somehow. But you could also be a very Burnt Lion modeling Bird - because Bird seems safer, and you don't want to be a Lion the way your parents are.

When the friend-event happened, I thought that I was in the wrong, and that I had once again fucked myself over because of my passion and sureness in what I have.

"I thought I was wrong because I was acting like an Exploded Lion primary." Yeah, I'm thinking there's some sort of outside influence here that needs to be unpacked.

It took a lot of convincing and evidence for me to see that they were the assholes (albeit I wasn’t pure either— I was their friend, after all).

I'm definitely leaning Bird for you. A bird surrounded by Lions maybe, who sometimes uses Lion terminology. But Bird.

I am a planner and system-lover at heart. I’m not proud of it, but it’s just part of me.

What's with all this negative language? Being a planner and a system-lover is a wonderful thing to be. There's some Burning here.

The caveat— I have autism, so I’m not sure if it’s due to that or not. Hence the shortness of this section. Take it as you will, regardless of if it’s evidence or not.

I have autism and I'm a Lion Badger. People are different. The only real pattern I've observed is the way nerodivergent people disproportionately build Bird secondaries as coping strategies.

Honesty is maybe not the best policy, it’s still an admirable one. I wish, frankly, that my moral system was more honest. I feel like I have no set morals. That it all comes from elsewhere. Lion primaries have this set, intrinsic morality that I envy. My friend is a lion primary, and while my views have radically changed, hers haven’t inched. She’s always been honest about herself and what she holds true.

I'm doubling down on Bird primary for you. This is the perspective of a Bird looking in on a Lion. Lion morality isn't set or intrinsic - it's built, and it changes, but it builds and changes differently than a Bird's does (more slowly, usually). But there really is a pattern of Birds seeing it as more moral/easier/better.

And I’m still trying to figure out what “truth” means to me. I mean, yes, I’m a dry and blunt asshole, but that’s not really the same as gut morality. Internal honesty is what I want, and external honesty is what I have to some extent.

It sounds that you are going though a lot of very intense shifts in your life right now. You've got a diagnosis that has you questioning your place in the world. You've followed your parent's system all you life, and are now deciding that you don't want that. But now comes deciding what you do want, and that's a lot harder (especially for a Bird, who has to build it from the ground up.) You like the way Lions do things, but Lion primaries do not feel accessible.

I’m very clear with who I like. I can admit their faults, and even get annoyed or angry at them, but not even betrayal can stop me from loving them. I’d compare myself to the Twelfth Doctor from “Doctor Who” and Ponyboy Curtis from The Outsiders in that regard.

So maybe you are building a system with very Snake values.

Loyalty is one of my weaknesses. I get overly-attached to people, and so if/when they leave me, it shatters my world. But my brand of loyalty is mostly to people, not philosophical ideas.

... but you're not *really* comfortable with Snake either, if you consider it to be a "weakness."

I would consider myself somewhat philosophical (well, as much as a fucking teenager can be)

Teenagers are *extremely* philosophical, stop being so down on yourself.

but I can be somewhat vague in my beliefs.

Because you're still building them, give yourself a *second.*

If I were to rate the likelihood of what primary I think I am, it’s something like this:

Bird: 9/10 probability (maybe burned)

Snake: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability (maybe burned)

Lion: 2/10 probability

What is it with Birds and numbered lists?

The “how”: I feel like I change in order to fit in. I mean, to some extent, we all do, but it’s far more drastic for me. With the lion primary friend, I act as a “Jason Todd” to their Batman. I challenge them, egg them on, crack jokes and become violently passionate and act like a nerd, and she simply watches, usually adding her own comments but mostly sitting on the sidelines by choice. We also joke that I’m the Ferris Bueller to their Cameron Frye. But, with another friend, I’m a parent figure. I listen most of the time, and sometimes jump in with creative ideas and we talk for hours about it.

I'm guessing Actor Bird, both because you can specifically list out the qualities that you "act" out. And because you're invoking and basing your performance off specific [fictional] characters. Which is a HUGE Actor Bird thing.

I go with the flow of a given situation as best as I can (with the added caveat of being autistic, because that does affect how well I can read a room). However, that’s where the adaptation ends.

Huh. I'm hearing Burnt secondary language here. "I'd like to go with the flow and read the room - but I can't, because I'm autistic." You can definitely *learn* how to read a room. Why do you think I'm so interested in (and good at :) personality systems? This is how I learned to use my Courtier Badger. I used to model Bird secondary like crazy, and I kind of don't bother anymore. I don't need the training wheels.

Planning: like I stated before, I’m a planner. I try to learn the most about a situation before jumping in. Sometimes, however, I stall the inevitable and miss my chance, so I jump in and wind up nearly drowning. And this dichotomy repeats. I overcompensate for a lack of knowledge in a situation by micromanaging, or I wind up sitting bored when I’ve already done everything I need to do. And yes, stress and boredom are equally as destructive for me. I try so hard to plan to avoid both of these outcomes, but it only works half the time. So, I guess I’m a bit of a “planster” overall.

I want to learn about a situation... but sometimes I "stall" or "drown" (Burnt language.) But planning also leads to "micromanaging" and "getting bored" (model language.) I think you've got a really loud Bird secondary model... but there might be something else underneath.

Collecting things is fun. Postcards, candles, lighters, crystals, rocks, 1940s hats, knowledge, stories, music, (original) characters, the list goes on. I’m a collector of whatever I can get my hands on. Hell, by this point, I can’t tell what’s my special interest and what I just enjoy (again, autism).

Oh my goodness gracious 'my special interest' and 'what I enjoy' are not two different categories!

But my systems and collections are my coping.

Figured.

I can’t say, though, that they hold any weight outside of emotional release. There’s nothing practical about knowing how they shot The Outsiders movie, or how crows have a flat tail and ravens have two main sections on theirs. All of this knowledge almost feels useless to me. I mean, sure, I’m great at school, but what else? Nothing, it seems like. And being good at school and nothing else makes a person go crazy when they can’t achieve their academic goals. But that’s a bit besides the point— I’m a collector, but I’m unsure how well this really fits into a secondary beyond a model.

Bird secondary model.

I invest in others more than I care to admit.

Oh man, are you a Badger secondary like me?

I genuinely believe in the goodness in humans, no matter how impossible it becomes. Even those who I don’t see any good in aren’t wholly evil. My perception isn’t law.

^ That's primary stuff. Maybe a more Badger-flavored system is going to work better for you than a Snake-flavored one.

But some people trust me: with their secrets, with homework, with relationship issues, with their religious struggles. And I try to help. I might not be good with it, but I do try to help as best I can.

Kinda sounds like a Badger secondary.

I use my planning and my categorizing skills and my knowledge to benefit others. I show up, I do what I need to do, and I don’t usually expect much to come of it. It’s nice when something does, but it’s not expected. And sometimes, these investments into others' lives and grades and relationships do pay off. I make friends. Those friends stick by me, and I trust them. I continue to invest in others, because I am a lover even though I’m cynical.

I think you're a Badger secondary.

And when that trust is broken, like the example in the beginning, I go to people who won’t abandon me to get a second opinion. When I say that I love someone, I mean it. So it hurts when they leave. It always does.

Oh that's your friends leaving hit you so hard. It's not an abstract morality thing at all, it's practical. You're a Badger secondary, and they were your base of support.

I’ll be frank on this— I’m almost entirely sure that I’m not a lion secondary. I’m fiercely efficient and some people see me as a good leader, but that’s it.

Lion and Badger are the two Inspirational secondaries. They're the one who sort of manage to collect armies or families as a side effect of existing.

Even with the leader example, I prefer interpersonal relations or to be alone. I’m not a big fan of group settings.

That's fair. I am also a Badger who really, really likes my own company. Or small groups of interesting people.

If I were to rate the likelihood of what secondary I am, it’s like this:

Bird: 7/10 probability

Badger: 6/10 probability

Snake: 5/10 probability

Lion: 0/10 probability

Other systems for comparison: I’m aware that MBTI and enneagram are, at worst, pseudo-science, but I still enjoy them regardless. At best, they’re fun self-help tools, and that’s how I try to use them.

MBTI: INTJ (Ni-Te-Fi-Se)

Enneagram: 5w4, tritype 514

Sagittarius sun libra moon cancer rising in astrology

FLEV or LFEV in attitudinal psyche

sx/sp (sexual and self-preservation) in instinctual variants

MBTI, Enneagram, and astrology are all fun in their own ways. (I don't actually know the last two!) And I can talk about them on their own terms. But this system was the best, and the most useful, when I went looking for words to describe myself.

I hope this is enough information, and thank you again if you do happen to do this! If you don’t, that’s totally okay. Have a good day!

Thank you for writing in. That was a journey! Thanks @thesketchykid for the submission.