#so is 50$ really that much to pay for being able to function that day?

[sullina]

now that i managed to get meds for my adhd a couple months ago, i actually find it quite funny how so many people who "aren't addicted to anything" will look down on drug addicts who are addicted to "illegal" drugs like idk heroin or meth or what have you

and then turn around and go "i can't function without my morning coffee, but I'm not addicted, it just gets rid of my common caffeine withdrawal symptoms like headaches, dizzyness, tiredness (fatigue), general irritability, mental fogginess, nausea and my general bad mood in the morning, but seriously, I'm not addicted at all, I can just overall function way better with coffee in the morning and also throughout the rest of the day!"

yeah i bet you can function a lot better in your day to day life when you're not actively going through withdrawal and can get your fix several times a day at work or for less than 10 bucks at every corner in every city with even some fancy stuff on top that makes it taste even better.

yeah, you're SO much better and SO above the people who DO have a drug problem and have to spend half their paycheck or even more on their daily fix because their drug isn't so normalized that it's even considered a necessity of daily life and therefore can be gotten for cheap and the price of which is even regulated by the government is some countries.

and when i said "funny" i actually meant " incredibly infuriating and two-faced"

[wauzmons]

We have been Betrayed, Backstabbed, Bamboozled: The Future of Elysian Eclipse

So, if you are active on our Discord, you know that EE is made in the Unity Engine and the CEO just decided to massively fuck over all the devs who are using it...

Callum Upton made a great video explaining the situation:

But it gets even worse!

Unity since defended themselves, saying that these fees are only affecting 10% of their customers, because of the $200k and $1m thresholds, so Indie devs don't have to worry about that.

…which isn't true:

Unity Plus

They aren't only introducing these fees but also changed the regular pricing plans! They just removed "Unity Plus" which is the lowest tier and costs about $50/month per dev with taxes. This is what most indies use. The next higher tier costs QUADROUPLE that amount and is also required to remove the universally loathed "made with Unity" splash screen. Oh! And if you have the personal tier, you won't be able to use Unity offline anymore! It now needs to do a license check every 3 days to function!

Unity's Ad Service

The fees will hit devs that do free-to-play mobile stuff especially hard, since they still have to pay the fees even when the players don't buy anything, meaning they could end up owing Unity more than they make in income. But what's this? If you use Unity's advertising service for your game, you will get a discount on the fees! The majority of mobile games run on Unity, meaning they are trying to monopolize the mobile ad market with this!

Publishers

Elysian Eclipse has caught the interest of a really big studio and publisher, who is considering to handle the marketing and publishing for the game. They are obviously planning to make the game come out big with sales, going beyond Unity's thresholds. But since the game is made in Unity, they probably now have to reconsider that carefully, since that would cause a massive amount of fees with Unity's new pricing model. So any game using Unity is now an instant turn-off for publishers, also massively hurting indie devs who don't reach that income threshold yet.

What will happen now?

So, Unity can't be trusted anymore and should be seen as a major threat to us and the gaming industry. Even if they walk back on some of these decisions, what has been said, has been said. They showed that they don't care about destroying thousands of games, as long as it nets them profit, so who knows what they are going to do next?

I will pause the development of Elysian Eclipse and release the Patreon demo, including all the prototypes like Aquatic Stage for free today. I canceled my subscription and it will run out next year, so Unity isn't getting a single cent from my games anymore.

Unreal Eclipse?

In the meantime I'll focus on improving my C++ skills, so I can work more effectively in Unreal Engine 5. Unreal is the current industry leader, offering much better solutions for graphics and performance for 3D games. It is also partially open source and completely free until you reach $1 million in revenue.

It is unlikely that I will be able to just translate the game from C# to C++ and port it over, since it is using a lot of engine-specific features. This basically means, we will start from scratch... I can't tell yet how much work this will be or in what ways the game will change.

But one thing, you can always be certain of: I will NEVER BETRAY MY DREAM. I will finish this project, no matter who or what stands in my way. I hope you will continue to support me on this journey.

That being said,

FUCK JOHN RICCITIELLO!!

Fucking cunt.

[cookinguptales]

ooooh love that 4 am chronic illness venting

sometimes I think the worst part about having a chronic illness is accepting that, in many ways, it will never be as good as it is now. I can be in awful pain, I can be exhausted, I can be barely functional at work and I still know things are only going to get worse. like. god. if I'm this bad at 34 how the fuck am I going to be when I'm 50?

I couldn't even get through one film festival. my hormones have been acting up since I got back to Philly, probably brought on by all the travel and stress about work, and I spent a solid two weeks with my ribs and hips dislocating and the first three days at the festival were just me being in so much pain that I would go to the restroom and cry between movies.

that's what having a good time apparently looks like these days!

and then my ribs start calming down just in time for a heat wave. 85 degrees. god knows I can't go out in that anymore, because this body can't do fucking anything right. okay, fine, whatever. then my period finally comes a week early, seems about par for the course with whatever the fuck is going on this month, and the endometriosis is so bad that I could barely get out of bed yesterday, much less make it to center city.

so in the end, I have so far made it to 4 of the 10 days of the festival, and I don't have much hope about the last two. I have to come to terms with the fact, now, that maybe I can't even handle film festivals anymore. I can't handle going into the city and sitting in a dark room for a week now???

I feel like I've wasted all this money on something I was really excited about, because I used to really love going to the film festival. but have we devolved to the point where I can't even do this anymore?

like I know that this month is irregular, for several reasons, but I can never depend on a month to be regular anymore! I can't plan a trip three months in advance because I don't even know how I'm going to be three days in advance anymore! do I just give up on making plans in the future? do I give up on looking forward to fucking anything anymore?

and I know that the mood swings are part and parcel of having pmdd (I had ~three~ panic attacks yesterday) but also like. god. at a certain point how can you handle balancing work and trying to have fun while your rib is literally sticking out of your fucking back. you can feel it! when you touch! my back!

and at what point does a mental breakdown become inevitable, dealing with that kind of pain? when you're also dealing with about five different work deadlines and you still want to make art but you have no time for it and when you finally have time, nothing you write is any good.

all that and I'm supposed to have fun, too? I feel like every time I carve out the least little bit of fun for myself this october, the month I am supposed to enjoy the most, I spend the next three days paying for it.

I feel like I just. I'm at the point now where I physically cannot leave the house ten days in a row anymore. I can barely handle three days in a row. I'm not even doing anything. I'm just sitting there, but apparently the act of taking a bus to a building and sitting in that building is too much for me now.

I know I've been kind of irritating to be around for the past few weeks, but I am just exhausted. and today I'm finally clearing the joint pain, I'm finally clearing the nausea and inability to eat (which of course makes me sicker), and I'm just. I'm so fucking tired. I can't even enjoy not being in (as much) pain for a few days.

and of course trying to scrape all this together, I haven't been able to clean the house, so it looks like shit and I feel like shit about that, too.

I don't know. some days when you have an incurable illness that you know is just going to get worse over time it's just. I don't know. it's hard to have any hope at all. I feel like I'm going to die alone in a filthy house because I don't have the energy to be a real person anymore.

like I go visit my parents and I'm always so glad to get home because I love them but I also need my space but there's always that realization that like. oh right, living alone is really fucking hard. some days I can barely even feed myself. I feel so useless.

I know that withdrawing from my friends is probably the opposite of what I should be doing right now, but it's also. I don't know, sometimes I feel almost ashamed to let them see me when I can't even pretend that I have my life together. like usually I can at least pretend that my body isn't weighing me down too much. letting people see me when it's very, very clear that I am hanging on by a thread feels far too vulnerable.

I guess some piece of me feels like if I let people see the awful underbelly of what it's like to actually be disabled, they'll be disgusted with me. like. sometimes disability is just we have to walk a little more slowly at the museum or I can only eat certain foods when we go out or I get way too chatty because I'm exhausted and I lose my filter when I'm exhausted. but sometimes disability is not showering for a week and a living room that's covered in garbage and unpacked suitcases and sitting in your bed and crying for hours. like. there's nothing glamorous about it.

I feel like I have to work so hard and pretend so much to even reach "tolerable" to other people but I'm not even tolerable to myself right now. even on my best days, when I can go out and hang out with people and pretend that I'm okay, I know that I will be going home to a messy house that I will never invite people to because it's embarrassing to admit that I live like that, not because I want to, but because I have to.

but I can't even do that anymore, I can't even go out for a few hours and pretend that I'm normal and well-adjusted and not at all a burden to my friends and my family and my community.

I don't know. I don't know. I'll be okay. I always end up okay. but I feel like having a chronic illness means mourning a thousand different opportunities you had to give up because you were home puking or whatever, and right now I'm mourning a film festival.

or at least the me that could go to film festivals.

[torque-witch]

Ouch I already knew this but the reason I’m able to lay on the floor for as long as I want/need to and just have a part time job now is because all those years of me being provider was when I felt unsafe and unsecured at home and in my relationships. There was a (brief) time when I didn’t need all that extra money, but no one else was going to pick up the slack. And it made me super sick. Working 55 hours a week. In college I worked for a bit 70 hours a week taking 19 credits because my parents wouldn’t let me move back home.

Like yeah on one hand maybe it was necessary but also now I can’t do it anymore. Or that I had no other choice. After I was hospitalized for 6 days from passing tons of blood, then almost had a blood clot from 6 days of saline drip, I immediately went back to work to 50 hours because I didn’t have any paid time off yet. I never really got a chance to properly heal, just pumped with more meds and then spent every day off with a fever and extreme fatigue.

So even tho I feel functional but unwell, I don’t feel as much shame anymore for just resting.

Now I’m a bit nervous if you’ve noticed my posts, but it’s because my husband has been laid off for a few weeks now without income bc unemployment is a dumpster fire. I can pay rent (he usually does) this time, but only because I happened to sell a bunch of statues in December and I saved the majority of it for the $500 I owe for upcoming shows and travel.

Anyway this is just a long rant now but I can do all that because I finally don’t feel an intense pressure to take charge of everything and be so hyper independent, even as a married person. Things might be bad, but I can finally rest.

[creppersfunpalooza]

Rosé

CW for under the cut: body horror and suicidal thoughts, attempted suicide (multiple), violence, verbal abuse, abusive relationship, manipulation and abandonment

Rosé, formerly known as Roe was born around 1899 and grew up in Louisiana. He grew up as more or less of a spectacle, considering both his effeminate appearance and albinism. He had always been fond of attention and just show business in general, so he didn’t entirely mind this lifestyle even if it was thrusted onto him at an early age.

As a young adult living in the roaring 20’s he tried to make a name for himself as a model and really played into his unique attributes, leading him to feature in several popular newspapers, magazines, and other things like that. While he was attractive, he was still considered more of an oddity than a person and was often dehumanized (revered and belittled) because of this. He felt like he couldn’t really make any real relationships with people because he was seen as more of a concept or character than someone with actual feelings and aspirations.

Adonis (“Don”), is the god of beauty, vanity, and lust. for some background about how gods function in this world, they’re kind of like the greek gods where they have dominion over certain concepts but don’t manually control them unless they really feel like it. like it’s sort of subconscious to them. like breathing. a concept cannot exist without a god, so there’s a lot of them. also gods can have multiple titles and take over the titles of another god if the god is stripped of their power. The god of death/the end (who i’ll likely be renaming to lih’ka or lih’kat) is typically in charge of judgement of the gods. there are very few rules but the main ones are just don’t interact with mortals because it can’t end well and don’t show bias towards a particular mortal. also gods can incarnate and live among mortals as one of them but they will never live up to their concept because it won’t exist for them while they’re a mortal. like for example when incarnated, Evolen, the goddess of love and (healthy) relationships (created at the same time as Adonis, they don’t get along well.), will never be able to experience genuine love or have a good relationship with someone, whether that be platonic or romantic.

Adonis, however, doesn’t enjoy godhood. He finds his equals uninteresting and is much more fascinated by the concept of mortality. Because of this, he occasionally breaks the rules to have brief interactions with mortals under the guise of being one himself. He does this as a taxi/limousine driver for whatever reason. It just seemed fitting. He never establishes connections with the people he picks up, just has little talks with them and such. It’s a nice change of pace for him. no he doesn’t know these people are used to paying for being driven around and yes he definitely got confused when the first few people asked him what he charged. Adonis typically never goes to the same place twice because he’s immortal so it’s like. if you get him as a driver once when you’re like 20 and then again when you’re like 50 and it’s the same memorable guy who has not changed at all it’s a bit suspicious.

So one day, Rosé (going by Roe at the time but using Rosé as a show name) gets into a taxi and lo and behold, it’s Don’s. The two connect pretty quickly as Roe sort of vents to him about how he feels like he’s never on the same page as anyone else and Adonis is like “wow he’s just like me!!!”. Roe is also noticing how this guy is actually taking what he’s saying seriously and isn’t ogling him and wow that’s a first for him, so he asks Don if he’d like to meet up sometime. Adonis, for the first time ever, decides “fuck it” and agrees. yeah buddy maybe you shouldn’t do that the rules are in place for a reason.

So the two grow close and eventually get into a relationship with eachother. Roe’s still oblivious to the fact that Don’s a god, however he’s a bit concerned about how he’s never been over to Don’s place and sees him like monthly. Eventually, Adonis tells him the truth and Roe actually takes it pretty damn well, especially for someone who grew up catholic and then likely switched over to atheism. They start spending more time together and Adonis even takes him to the ethereal realm (where all of the gods are) a few times (the gods do not know about this).

That’s all pretty neat and they’re doing pretty well, but something happens (likely a different god got caught breaking a rule and got punished severely) that made Adonis a bit paranoid about everything. So naturally, he decides “hey i know this has never been done before and might not even be possible, but what if i transferred some of my mystical god power stuff onto you so that you and i wouldn’t have to hide our relationship because you’d be like. a god too” and roe’s not like a huge fan of that idea because they’ve been together for like two years and that’s a big commitment. no godhood before marriage. but after a LOT of convincing, he finally agrees to Adonis’s plan that probably won’t even work.

It’s painful. Every part of it is painful. The initial surge of magic rushing through his veins, coursing through his soul and overwhelming every part of his mind and body. Tearing apart at who he once was and replacing it with something new and foreign, something that was never meant for a human to experience. Something he couldn’t possibly have handled. After the initial shock wore down, he felt sick. Maybe it was just a cold. Maybe the worst of it was over. Maybe it hadn’t worked. He wanted to believe it hadn’t. He was bedridden for days, he could barely even move because of the pain he was experiencing. After a few weeks, he was able to move again, but his skin was always condensed with clammy sweat. He could feel each individual cell in his body, rearranging and adjusting to make way for new ones. Everything in his apartment was so fuzzy. He was so cold. Every day he questioned if he would even survive it. He secretly hoped he wouldn’t.

Adonis didn’t visit for another month. When he did, he was obviously concerned. Roe seemed so much more distant. He wouldn’t let him inside of his apartment, but he wouldn’t leave it either. Roe felt too sluggish and weak. Don tried to help him by bringing him gifts and medicines, but nothing seemed to really help. They were still able to talk to each other, but something about it seemed to lack authenticity. It just seemed hollow now.

After the first few weeks, Roe’s skin cells began to rapidly deteriorate and flake off. Every inch of flesh itched and burned, but he could do nothing to stop it. No ointments helped. Painkillers didn’t provide relief either. His skin cracked and peeled, and yet he was still as clammy as ever. Clothes irritated his body as well. He had to stop going out of the apartment all together after that. Adonis’s concern grew, but he couldn’t do much. Roe couldn’t help but feel frustrated with Don. Adonis found every possible way to berate him or blame him for his state (“have you not been taking care of yourself?”, “you look like a mess”, “what would you do without me?”). He didn’t want to start a fight, he was tired and Adonis was just trying to look out for him.

The more time went on, the worse things got. Roe became irritable and snappish as his agony became unbearable. His eyes had become warped and his irises moved fluidly and shifted in the whites as they took on a new shape. The flesh around his ears had almost flaked and melted off like wax and soon the cartilage became frail and brittle, before snapping off entirely. His abdomen had begun experiencing a similar change. The skin had rotted and his liver and stomach was beginning to fail and shrivel. He could consciously feel every bit of it. At this point in time, he had given up. He didn’t care what it would take, he just wanted the pain to stop. It didn’t matter if his life would never go back to how it was, that wasn’t his goal anymore. He just wanted an out.

He tried several times, several methods. His violence and panic increased with each attempt. It was only after he’d punctured clean through his gut that he realized he couldn’t even escape through death.

Roe’s fights with Adonis got worse too. Adonis always tried to act righteous, never taking blame or responsibility for Roe’s condition. Adonis hated to admit it to himself, but he didn’t recognize his partner anymore. Besides Roe’s now sickening appearance, he had also grown bitter and resentful. He seemed miserable, even when Adonis was with him. He snapped at Adonis often.

Adonis grew tired of having to put up with Roe’s behavior. He’d been so patient. He’d tried to be understanding, but everything he did was met with passive aggression or a scoff. He couldn’t just give up, he did love Roe, even like this. Roe was lucky to have him at all. Lucky that he’d stuck around and seen things through, even when he looked like a corpse. Who else would ever give a fuck about some has-been freak show with no real friends or family? He was there for him, but nobody else would ever be.

Roe knew he was right. Why would anyone give him the time of day? If he was a freak before, he’d probably be chased down with pitchforks and torches now. Or pinned down and locked up as a medical mystery. There wasn’t anywhere in this world that he could go. Adonis had taken that away from him with his humanity.

He stopped fighting back and arguing, he was too tired. He didn’t want to be mad at Don. He couldn’t help it. Every time Roe saw his face, he was only reminded of what had been taken from him. He entered a depressive spiral even more so than before. The little ridges on his back— the new bones, had broken skin now. It hurt to move, to breath. He was used to his body rearranging itself by now, and yet it still found new ways to torture him and keep him on edge. He couldn’t sleep anymore either. It was impossible to lie in bed without a surge of pain waking him up every few minutes.

Adonis kept visiting. He thought things would be better now that Roe had finally stopped acting hysterically, but somehow this was even worse. Roe just looked pathetic. Defeated. It was irritating. Was he ignoring him on purpose? How much pain could he possibly be in? He wasn’t screaming after all. Weren’t mortals supposed to scream and cry and bitch when they got hurt? he couldn’t understand why Roe was still acting like this. It had been almost a year. Why wasn’t he healed yet?

When the skeletal frames of several pairs of wings started growing, his mood flared once more. He was definitely screaming now, sobbing and breaking down. His finances had worn too, he didn’t know how much longer he would be allowed to stay. He hadn’t left his apartment in a year. He’d given up eating what seemed like forever ago. He wasn’t the only one yelling anymore though. He and Adonis had regular screaming matches, throwing curses at each other. It was something he’d never seen from Adonis before. What’s worse is that afterwards, his boyfriend would go back to endlessly trying to comfort him after he grew exhausted from the crying and fighting. Meaningless apologies. An inescapable cycle.

Pin feathers. Prickly little fucks lining where his ears once were and the new bones on his back. His back felt constantly weighed down by them. His body weight was entirely off-balance considering both the wings and the fact that everything between his ribs and pelvis had entirely rotted away and decomposed, leaving dysfunctional intestines hanging limply and coiling down in the cavity that had formed internally in his waist. His spine was the only thing stopping his body from splitting in half.

That’s probably when Adonis realized just how horrific he had become. This thing wasn’t his partner anymore, it was a rabid creature masquerading as something sentient. A monster. What he had tried to do had failed. He felt guilty, of course he did, but with the way Roe was acting, why should he stay? If all that Roe would do was scream and cry and sob, why would he stay? He had tried and tried, it wasn’t his fault anymore.

And so he left. He stopped visiting all together. Stopped bringing things, stopped giving Roe the bit of company he had. When the realization hit Roe, his initial reaction was one of self-loathing. If he had tried a bit harder to be more considerate, just a bit harder to imagine how Don must have felt after—

After what? After he’d ruined his life? After he’d successfully stripped Roe of the few things that brought him joy? After he’d abandoned him after making him suffer for so long?

Why the fuck should he feel responsible?

His transformation came to its end shortly after Adonis left. A month at most. It was almost ironic. If he had stuck around for just a bit longer, everything could have been different.

He wasn’t himself anymore, that was what Adonis had been right about. He was filled with rage. His mind was so much clearer now that the pain had subsided. Spite and hatred overran every inch of his being. Disgust, too. He wanted nothing more than to rip Adonis’s head clean off of his body.

But he couldn’t reach him. They were still on entirely different planes of existence. Not to mention, Roe wasn’t nearly as powerful as him.

Not yet, anyways.

Roe adjusted to his new form and abilities. When you’re wasting away for a year, you’re eager to finally feel alive again. He found that he was able to drain people of their energy and power to add to his own. He could control the emotions of the people around him and manipulate their situations without them even knowing! He finally felt in control.

Years went by. The great depression started and ended, wars passed by like bullets, generations shifted and changed. He stayed stagnant, never aging or taking his eyes off of his goal. He learned to use his powers more sparingly and more spitefully. He even discovered how to concentrate bits of his magic into love potions and began to sell them in exchange for having just a teensy bit of someone’s life force and/or magic drained.

he’d managed to make himself a nice little pocket dimension, a domain only capable of being entered if he permitted it. It was a nice replacement for his old apartment. It was surreal being able to make something out of nothing. He’d grown a reputation for himself in the right circles. He didn’t really care all that much that his “business” was probably ruining the lives or relationships of other people. Hell, that was the goal. The more he meddled with the affairs of other people, the more likely Adonis was to come down and confront him. Plus, it was really funny. He knew that the relationships he set up were doomed to fail. He counted on it.

anyways fun facts about rosé and adonis!!

- Rosé is cajun and can speak French!! he’s actually bilingual and speaks French and English. he also can speak Spanish. being immortal gives you a lot of time to practice.

- Adonis has changed a lot and definitely feels hella guilty abt everything but like. he knows better than to come down to apologize because he learned his lesson abt being around mortals. he’s actually rlly bent out of shape over the whole thing and is like “why the hell did i do that”. i don’t forgive him tbh!

- Rosé has a HEAVY Louisianan/New Orleans accent

- Rosé mostly listens to old swing and jazz music, however he also enjoys some modern day stuff. Like his playlists are probably wild.

- Rosé’s favorite foods are crepes and shrimp creole

- While they were dating, Rosé and Adonis’s relationship was very fluffy and decently healthy before everything went downhill. apart from like “wow he understands me” when one of them is a literal god and the other is a dude who just wants to be accepted by society

- Adonis’s relationship was never discovered by the other gods. they don’t really know what caused his shift in behavior.

- Adonis and Evolen were the first humanoid gods, most before them had inhuman forms that represented abstract concepts. After their creation, most other gods took on more humanoid forms with the exceptions of Lih’ka and Akh’ala (God of creation who i might rename later). akh’ala has a humanoid form but only uses it from time to time.

- Adonis still has feelings for Rosé

- Rosé is convinced he physically can’t feel love towards anyone anymore (he can he’s just really specific with preferences and also isn’t mentally ready for another relationship)

- Rosé was born intersex but identifies as a man. He enjoys dressing and looking feminine though.

- Rosé is omnisexual with a male preference

- Adonis is pansexual

- Rosé started going by Rosé after his transformation as a way to separate himself from who he was before, sort of like turning over a new leaf.

- As mentioned in the text above, Rosé sells love potions. Because it’s technically his magic, they’d have no effect if he were to drink one.

- Rosé finds it hard to connect with or feel empathetic for other people.

- Rosé, while existing in the same universe/story as Koi and all of those people, is not part of the main storyline at all. He’s his own separate thing for separate things.

- Rosé’s magic is extremely powerful and difficult to break. He is one of the only people who can break it once it’s in action besides Adonis.

- Rosé really likes the colors red and pink.

- Rosé has been dying his hair pink since the 1910’s.

- Rosé has a love hate relationship with modern day appliances and fashion. he doesn’t like microwaves. they’re fucking scary. what the fuck do you mean waves in their air heat your food with radiation??? what???? it baffles him almost as much as the clean girl aesthetic.

@whumpy-wyrms here’s that rosé post :3

[strawberryamanita]

Hi, none of this matters because I'm a white Christian-raised USAmerican, but I need this out of my system because it's sitting in my body like a poison and I don't know what else to do with it.

If this gets anyone angry at me, I'm just gonna let them be angry, and I'm gonna listen to their lamenting with no feedback because someone needs to.

I'm sorry.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do. I really, really don't.

I feel like I'm being screamed at on all sides. I'm absolutely paralyzed by frustration and fear. I don't know if I'm privileged at this point. I don't have the ability to turn away from the horror shows happening in places I can't reach. I don't have money to send. I'm disabled, my mom handles my money. I'm given very little autonomy in this world despite being an adult, I have very little power or sway over anything, and I'm often infantilized and dismissed when I try to speak up in my own house about pretty much anything. By American standards I'm poor, because I'm never allowed more than $2000 to my name at a time. But I think I still might be privileged, because I live in a house and we have money for food and water and we don't currently have bombs raining down on us.

I don't need anyone telling me whether I'm doing enough, because I know I'm not. I'm not able to go out and strike, I'm petrified with the fear that I'm gonna get hurt, and I can't make myself go in spite of this fear. I'm circulating everything I can, but I have a low threshold about these crises and there's only so much I can read at a time before I feel a panic attack coming on.

But that is not enough.

Charity isn't enough. Protesting isn't enough. It's not fast enough action. We need riots in the streets. We need people threatening the US government's safety every single day. We need every rich and famous "progressive" celebrity speaking about this and donating the millions they don't need to survive. I'm furious that not a single YouTuber has spoken up about this; I'm sure their jobs would be on the line, but that feels like a small price to pay at this time.

I always said that if I have nothing else to lose, I wanna throw a bomb through the windows of the White House. I'll get gunned-down on the lawn and called an idiotic disgrace by the rest of the world, but at least I'll have fucking done something for someone else.

Is this white martyrism? Probably. Almost definitely. I don't really know, I can't tell from a first-person perspective. I feel these feelings more deeply than I can make you believe via text alone. It probably sounds performative, but everybody is asking me for performativity, albeit necessary performativity. Keep speaking out. Keep reblogging, keep sharing. Don't look away, but don't mourn. Look at everything that's happening, but don't despair. Steel yourself, but don't become desensitized.

Am I a bystander if I see what's happening but can't help? This is a genuine question, because I actually don't know. I'm being told that I should've known what was going on years ago, and I should have because this Conflict has been happening before I've been born. Before my parents were born. My grandmother would have been just 11 years old when it began. The onus is on me to pay attention, in spite of how little US schools teach us about history outside of the US. I should have known. I want to scream at my younger self every time I decided not to look into it because "it's not something I'm really involved in", which is bullshit because the US has been involved in EVERY war since this demonic horde of misanthropes set foot on the sacred Native land of North America.

I have circulated hundreds, probably thousands of mutual aid posts in my 9 1/2 years on tumblr, and I've never been able to donate myself. I can barely help myself: my disability and mental illness make it so I can't function at regular jobs, the anxiety is just too gripping. I get suicidal ideations at something as mundane as being a cashier. I spend more than 50% of my time actively working on my mental upkeep. I burn calories just trying to keep my brain together, I feel like my own minder.

Am I resting on the laurels of disability? Of white disability? Of whiteness alone? Am I just looking for someone to tell me I'm doing a good job, like a dog would? This can't be activist's guilt, I'm too incompetent and frail to engage in proper activism. Every new word I write is taking someone's attention away from someone else suffering worse than I am. Every dollar I spend on myself is a dollar I should be giving to somebody else. Hell, every morsel of food or drop of water could be going into someone else's mouth.

Why should I spend a minute curating my life when so few people get that same freedom?

[ink-flavored]

9, 17 and 37 from the latest oc ask game, if you're still doing them?^^

no problem! thanks for asking!

9. which ocs sleep to complete silence vs. need white noise vs. need music?

This is a really interesting questions, I've never thought about it before hm...

Park, maybe? Since he can play music/videos in his computer brain where no one else can see or hear them, it would be easy for him to get away with it.

17. which ocs stop what they’re doing to pay attention to someone else? which ocs continue working?

Justice gives you his full attention. He pauses the TV. He takes off his reading glasses. He Care You So Much.

Hayden pays full attention to people who talk to him, because he is unfortunately familiar with not being listened to.

Park can be paying attention to you and 50 other things at once due to his extremely smart computer brain, but it's not like you'd ever know.

Jao has that Teacher Ability to be listening even when you think she can't hear you, or when you think she's not paying attention. No matter what she's doing, she'll be able to repeat back what you just said verbatim and it's a little scary.

Xinya is busy all the time, so she's listening! She's just also finalizing the export budget and tax plan. Multitasking.

Henry will acknowledge you, but he won't look up. He also won't be paying attention.

37. which ocs dress for comfort > fashion? which ocs dress fashion > comfort?

Almost every single one of Pride's outfits is form over function. If it doesn't meet a certain percentage of slutty, he won't wear it. This includes when it's cold. He is not very smart.

Xinya is a queen, which means all of her outfits are opulent as fuck and meant to show off the prosperity of her nation. Whether or not they are comfortable doesn't matter to her - it's her duty to wear them.

Henry and Priscilla are a really great middle for this question, because they both dress smart and their blood-stained wealth clearly serves them well. However, if Henry were to get into a physical fight, he would make sure he removed his jacket and hat before throwing the first punch. Priscilla would rip her sleeves off and go feral.

Jao is the right hand to Xinya, but she's also a healer. For this reason, she's permitted to wear things that may look unfavorable for her station (easy to move around in if things get messy).

Justice dresses like every day is Sunday and/or Casual Friday. All his outfits are practical and cozy, appropriate for whatever the weather may be. He's a big fan of sweaters and socks with crazy patterns.

Teconia grew up in poverty, so worrying about fashion is laughable. She wears what she has, nothing more nothing less.

[send me an OC ask]

[cerseiwexler]

Beatriz + 1, 9, 25, 26, 32, 35, 39, 48, 49, 50

1. How does your character think of their father? What do they hate and love about him? What influence - literal or imagined - did the father have?

beatriz has two dads! they’re polyam w/ her mom before her mom passes away while committing a bank robbery. beatriz loves them both dearly — like no matter what little family conflicts may get stirred up, there’s always an undercurrent of love. during childhood she doesn’t always understand that they did everything they could to protect her mother and she battles some resentful feelings, and then i’ve mentioned before that she has what we now know is a mood disorder and during adolescence when her symptoms are really getting bad for the first time she lashes out a lot. but she admires them both very much, admires their grit and the hard work they do, admires the way they’re able to be so tender with their loved ones despite not exactly being Gr8 People overall.

9. What about political beliefs?

she is a socialist. big supporter of labor unions, big supporter of building community resources, big supporter of mutual aid. those beliefs are only solidified when her husband dies because people really pull together to support her and her daughter and she sees the value of maintaining those community ties firsthand.

25. What are their hobbies and interests?

she likes to work with her hands! sewing, embroidery, and crochet are all things she takes to with pride. later in life she does a bit of woodworking too, when her husband is gone — he taught her a little before passing away and she likes to keep in touch with his memory that way. not so much a hobby but she becomes handy at minor home repairs as well.

26. What does your character’s home look like? Personal taste? Clothing? Hair? Appearance?

she lives in the countryside in a two-story house not far from her daughter’s ranch. it’s dark and cluttered — kind of like the shadowy old house on the outskirts of town that everyone has superstitions about the old lady who lives inside. taste tends to value function over form, though she has a soft spot for lace, embroidery, and yarn work in her clothes and home textiles. wears lots of long skirts even well after the time when they’re fashionable bc that’s what she grew up in. keeps her hair in the same sort of polished styles she wore in the 40s throughout the rest of her life. she has thick dark hair, relatively fair olive skin that tans a few shades darker in the sun, blue eyes, and stands about 5’7”-ish with an unimposing build.

32. How does your character react to stress situations? Defensively? Aggressively? Evasively?

she spirals and gets paranoid/anxious for days, weeks at a time depending on the level of the stress. sometimes she also panics and makes snap decisions. sometimes these snap decisions include killing a man! and that’s just how the cookie crumbles sometimes.

35. Do they always rationalize errors? How do they accept disasters and failures?

her motto, informed by living through the dust bowl and great depression, is to just keep moving. when things go wrong it’s easy for her to start catastrophizing in her mind, but she’s also able to keep her forward momentum and push through the problem. you gotta do what you gotta do yk and she believes that wholly.

39. What do they like to ridicule? What do they find stupid?

people who can’t admit when they need help. she tries to find solutions to problems as quickly and efficiently as possible (as mentioned above) and sometimes recognizes that includes calling in reinforcements. people get stubborn sometimes and dig in their heels and insist they can do it themselves, and she kind of tuts and shakes her head and sits back and waits for them to fail. and yk in her environment there are a lot of folks who do really physical jobs that can be dangerous, she’s certainly heard tales of people biting off more than they can chew and paying the ultimate price.

48. How are your character’s gestures? Vigorous? Weak? Controlled? Compulsive? Energetic? Sluggish?

slow, deliberate, elegant most of the time — she likes to say as much as possible with the subtlest body language. she can become frenetic and even a bit twitchy when manic though, as u do.

49. What about voice? Pitch? Strength? Tempo and rhythm of speech? Pronunciation? Accent?

she has a low voice, often quite calming, and speaks very deliberately as well. not slow necessarily, but contemplative. her accent is unique as a result of her heritage + the people she grows up around coming from all different places. there are elements of a cowpoke drawl, elements of a spanish accent, and elements of a mexican accent all present.

50. What are the prevailing facial expressions? Sour? Cheerful? Dominating?

i hate to reuse a word but “contemplative” is a good one. it isn’t a furrowed brow or a particularly stormy look, but it’s a deep one — a serious one. when she smiles it’s often without teeth; a big grin is rare, though not unheard of.

[yawchannel]

INTERVIEW: The Falcon And The Winter Soldier for SFX Magazine (Anthony Mackie and Sebastian Stan Part) (Issue 337, February 24th, 2021)

By Tara Bennett

WING MAN

Anthony Mackie is Sam Wilson / Falcon

SFX: You’ve admitted that initially you weren’t sure on the idea of doing an MCU Series. Why?

ANTHONY: To be honest, I’ve had trepidation from the beginning. I was really afraid of the idea. Working on so many Marvel projects, and seeing the end result and the effect that they have on people, I was afraid that the quality of the production would be taken down for television. I was afraid that you can’t do things on television that you can do in theatres.

Seeing people’s reactions to Avengers: Infinity War and Endgame in the theatres, and hearing the connection that the audience members have with these characters... that’s every actor’s dream, to affect an audience and expose them to a different way of looking at culture and the world around us. I was really afraid that I wouldn’t have that opportunity to step out on that ledge like the actors before me had.

But once we talked, and once they brought on Malcolm and Kari, I knew it was going to be something different. Kari is a phenomenal leader, and Malcolm is an amazing writer. And Kevin promised me that it wasn’t going to be different. He’s not going to tarnish the Marvel brand by trying to just blow out as much content as he could. And I trusted him on that. They haven’t let me down yet, so I just went along for the ride on faith of their past work. And I was really pleasantly surprised by how great everything turned out.

SFX: Steve was an integral part of both Sam and Bucky’s lives. How does the show explore his absence?

ANTHONY: With Sam and Bucky, the idea of losing Steve looms heavily in their day-to-day-life. Captain America - not just a moniker, but the person - was a huge influence on both of them. The idea of the moniker is not as important as the person that they lost. Their whole goal, and their whole focus, is to honour Steve, because he left them with such a huge task to pick up where he left off. Just the weight of the shield with no Steve leads us to believe that there might not be another Captain America. There will never be another Steve Rogers, so for the two of them, the idea of the Captain America moniker is more of a burden than a blessing. They really try and allow that to be an influence of the legacy that he left, and how they can keep that legacy alive and support him - while also missing him and being very sad that he’s not around any more.

SFX: Will we see more of Sam’s regular life?

ANTHONY: We get to see more of them in their surroundings, their personal life, with people who influence their life day-to-day: family members, friends, co-workers. You got a little bit of it with Sam when Steve went to the VA when they first met. But now you really get to see his twists and turns and where exactly he fits in his nine-to-five, as opposed to him just sitting around waiting for Cap to call. That was one of the biggest pitches that Nate and Kevin gave to me that really intrigued me and excited me about this story.

SFX: Exploring Sam’s big choice when it comes to taking up Cap’s shield encompasses so many real-life issues, including race. Was Malcom a solid partner in conveying that?

ANTHONY: You know, it wasn’t just Malcolm and I. What was really interesting was Kari [Skogland] and Zoie [Nagelhout] were very local in the idea of who this man was, and what he was going to mean to the society that we were presenting him to. It’s funny, with Kari being a white Canadian woman, and Zoie being a white American woman, they had such strong parts of opinion and such interesting ways of seeing this character that were way more aggressive than anything I could have imagined. Their perspective and bravery, as two women leading the charge, to show the situation that this character was being thrust into in the world that he lived in, was very humbling. I always felt support. It always felt like there were people around me who were paying attention to what we were saying as a show.

BUCKY STAR

Sebastian Stan is Bucky Barnes / The Winter Soldier

SFX: After Endgame, how did you feel overall, about staying in the MCU?

SEBASTIAN: At the end of Endgame it was sort of strange and emotional. At the time, it was the 10-year anniversary, so everything felt like an ending, of sorts, even though we recognised that there was probably going to be more to it. But it was great to be able to have a discussion about the future.

SFX: Who at Marvel Studios initially pitched the idea of this series to you?

SEBASTIAN: I sat with Kevin [Feige] initially. And then with Nate Moore, who I had done Civil War and Winter Soldier with, and had an unbelievable experience. I think I was a little nervous, because part of me felt like “I’m not even sure if I know what’s left to be explored with the character”. But we actually discovered so much more. And I feel like the character now is coming off in such a different, deeper and more complex way than we’ve seen him. I thought I had explored the character, as he was, enough, but we actually had only scratched the surface. What we’re able to do with him in this series is just on such a deeper emotional level, and we didn’t have that opportunity before.

SFX: What was most interesting to you about doing a series?

SEBASTIAN: The idea of exploring this character now, separately, from Steve Rogers and from that storyline, and putting him in the world, and giving him an opportunity to really, truly, have to face who he is - everything about that was exciting. And the idea of working with Anthony was exciting, because I know we have something special and we’ve never gotten a chance to explore it.

SFX: Who are Sam and Bucky to one another in this series?

SEBASTIAN: They both despise each other equally! [Laughs] I mean, there’s some truth to that. But it’s also a discovery for both of them to realise that they actually have much more in common than they thought. They come at it from different backgrounds. But essentially, they’re both two people trying to find their new identity, and that really has nothing to do with Steve Rogers. Steve Rogers is much more the catalyst, like the event that sets off the bomb that causes both of them to go, “Okay, that happened. Now, let me deal with these things”. I think it’s about them figuring out that they need each other much more than they want to accept.

SFX: With no Steve to lean on, what is Bucky focused on?

SEBASTIAN: It’s a bit of re-educating that happens at the same time. He’s learning a lot about Sam, and he’s also learning about the world, because it’s a very different world than when we was last “James Bucky Barnes” in the ‘50s. He’s always got to deal with the shadow that’s following him. Now it’s more of a question of, how does he take what he’s learned and apply it for himself, going forward? How do you go out there in 2021 and function, knowing what he knows and what he’s bee through? And also, how do you do it without somebody who was a brother by his side, who was a staple of strength, or familiarity? You take away even the last comfort zone - what does he have? That’s what the show is about for him.

SFX: Why do you feel that Bucky has been able to retain fan sympathy during his dark arc?

SEBASTIAN: He felt much more reachable and reachable than other characters, perhaps because of the arcs of trying to cope with the past, or getting over some trauma, or PTSD. And his level of finding oneself again, redefining yourself, your morals, your values, who you are, what you believe in, the challenges that you have - in terms of accepting the world a certain way - understanding that maybe how you grew up and what you’ve learned isn’t going to always help you find your path. You’re going to have to maybe go against the things that you’ve been used to. Those are all things about this character that are very interesting.

There are two more interviews with Showrunner Malcolm Spellman and Director Kari Skogland included in the issue!

If you'd like to get a copy, SFX Magazine Issue 337 is available to purchase both physically and digitally worldwide! https://magazinesdirect.com/mobile/az-single-issues/6937139/sfx-magazine-single-issue.thtml

[xiyao-feels]

i've seen takes that jgy started playing turmoil before the staircase, aka wwx comments that it would take 3months for turmoil to kill nmj (ch64) so obviously jgy started playing it a long time ago, causing all of nmj's anger, all of that was his fault.

but also the novel says that jgy made a decision on the stairs or gave something up then a few days later played for nmj (ch 49) and like...idk what that could be except for killing nmj, is there something else this could be?

is wwx right? is mxtx bad at timelines? is nmj kick 3 months in the past, what is the time between 49 and 50 (when nmj dies in 2mo)

idk this whole thing is fuzzy and if you have any clarification or insight i'd like to hear it

-🦊

Fox anon! I'm glad to hear from you, and I hope you're doing well. I'm sorry I took so long to answer this—I was trying to be thorough, you all can judge whether I succeeded.

Now, I think the first thing to note here is that WWX actually and explicitly observes the Song of Clarity working when JGY is playing for NMJ before the stairs (ch 49):

Since then, Jin GuangYao would travel from Lanling to Qinghe every few days, playing Sound of Lucidity to help quell Nie MingJue rage. He tried his hardest, without speaking even a single word of complaint. Sound of Lucidity was indeed effective. Wei WuXian could clearly feel that the hostile energy within Nie MingJue was being suppressed. And, when playing the guqin, the way that the two conversed and got along even had a hint of the peace they had before they fell out. He began to think that maybe the so-called busy reestablishing the Cloud Recesses was just an excuse. Perhaps Lan XiChen simply wanted to give Nie MingJue and Jin GuangYao a chance to ease their tension.

(emphasis mine)

I think this is pretty conclusive. WWX's observations on the spot override his conclusions after a) being extensively soaked in NMJ's anger/resentment (ch 48-50) b) the entire drama afterwards at Jinlintai including being stabbed through by Jin Ling (ch 50) and c) resting and recovering for four days (ch 63).

Moreover, let's look at what WWX actually says in chapter 63:

Wei WuXian, “Jin GuangYao’s spiritual energy isn’t high. He wouldn’t have been able to take someone’s life with just seven notes. And killing him this way would’ve been too obvious. He definitely wouldn’t have chosen a song so powerful. But, if he could use the reason of playing the Song of Clarity for ChiFeng-Zun to calm his temper and continued to play it for three months, would the song be able to act as a slow poison and catalyse ChiFeng-Zun’s outburst?”

He's asking LXC questions about Turmoil, because it's new to him and he doesn't understand everything about it. I think it's pretty clear here that he's starting from how long he saw JGY play for NMJ, and asking if that would be long enough, rather than definitively stating that it would have to take three months; nor is there anything in LXC's response ("… Yes") that suggests three months is any kind of necessary minimum.

So those are the facts at hand. And imho if you look at the text in the later Empathy, there's a great deal of supporting evidence as well. There's the moment you mention, where JGY seems to be making a decision:

Nie MingJue, “Then why don’t you sacrifice yourself? Are you any nobler than them? Are you any different from them?”

Jin GuangYao stared at him. A moment later, as though he had finally either decided on something or given up on something, he replied calmly, “Yes.”

He looked up. In his expression were some of pride, some of calmness, and some of a faint insanity, “I and they, of course we are different!”

I agree with you, he's deciding to give up on NMJ—and if it's something else, what is it? If JGY isn't giving up on getting through to NMJ here, what function does this line serve in the text?

And I think it's worth noting here, as I've noted before—when JGY is talking about how different his and NMJ's positions are, he says "Your background is noble and your cultivation is high"; and the "Your background is noble" part is 你出身高贵, with the 高贵 being the "noble" part. When NMJ is asking him "Are you any nobler than them? Are you any different from them?" the "Are you any nobler than them?" is 你比他们高贵吗—so the "noble" part is, again, the same word, 高贵.  Given that JGY has just spent a great deal of breath explaining that he is different from NMJ precisely because of his less-noble background, this is very much a pair of questions that might quite justifiably make JGY feel like NMJ is just completely not understanding anything he is saying here at all. 

Besides that moment, there is the way he approaches or interacts with NMJ, which is quite noticeably different after the stairs. If you look at the beginning of the stairs, he's trying to convince NMJ to let the XY thing go: he says that if XY is locked up for life and can't hurt people, this isn't too different from him being executed, and then when NMJ does not accept this, points out that it's JGY's father's command and he cannot simply go against it as NMJ wishes. Once JGY loses his temper, he is still presenting arguments for his position—which granted is now approximately "you're being a hypocrite and you don't understand things", but he is still arguing for it—that is, he is still trying to reach NMJ; he is acting as though on some level he believes he can get through to him. 

But in attempting to convince NMJ about XY, he is not acting like someone who expects that NMJ is right about to die; because if he were expecting that, he could simply say whatever he likes to put NMJ off, knowing that he won't actually have to pay up. Similarly, in attempting to get through to NMJ via argument, however angrily, he is not treating NMJ as purely an object to be manipulated; NMJ's beliefs matter to JGY separately (I am not saying /only/ separately) from what those beliefs lead NMJ to do. To put it another way: he cares about what NMJ thinks. This too is something that prevents JGY from simply telling NMJ whatever he wishes to hear, and this, too, is lost at the stairs.

For after the stairs, telling NMJ what he wants to hear, and just telling NMJ something that will put him off because he knows or hopes he won't have to pay up, are exactly what JGY does. When he shows up at the Unclean Realm a few days later, he tells NMJ he's here to acknowledge his mistakes and that he's realized NMJ is "doing this" for him; he promises to bring NMJ XY's head in two months, and tells NMJ he can do whatever he likes with him if JGY does not. This is a significant change in behaviour from before the stairs, and in consideration with all the other evidence it seems to me that this is because, post-stairs, he no longer values what NMJ thinks of him, and he is now gambling on his killing NMJ before NMJ kills him.

The only area where he does push back now is NMJ's treatment of NHS, I suspect because he worries about what NMJ might do or continue to do to NHS in his remaining two months of life.

So: I really do think the evidence is pretty clear that JGY starts with Turmoil after the stairs, in that it is directly signalled by the text and in that all the evidence around it backs this up.

That said, I have seen other objections raised by various anti-JGY folk, and while some of them have more merit than others I think it's worth taking the time to go over them.

-JGY couldn't possibly have prepared the Turmoil music in the few days between the stairs and him starting to play for NMJ after.

Yes, I agree; he must have had it prepared earlier. But that only means that he had it prepared, not that he was using it, and while there are certainly people who will only prepare a weapon if they are sure they will use it, I really don't think JGY is among them. He might also have prepared it as evidence for his father that he was working on solving the problem.

-WWX didn't notice a difference between the music JGY was playing before the stairs and the music he was playing after; therefore, it must be the same music.

Honestly, I think that WWX just didn't notice. It's explicitly described as very subtle, and indeed he can't tell the difference between the altered passage and the rest of the song (ch 63):  

Wei WuXian withdrew the flute from his lips, “It really is this section? But I don’t find this section different at all.”

And he again observes how similar they are in chapter 64:  

And he combined them so well. They sound as though there were the same. His musical talent is indeed excellent.

His repeated observation that they sound just the same suggests that he could very well have failed to notice, I think, and indeed he would have heard the altered version more often.

There is also another explanation, entirely compatible with JGY only using Turmoil after the stairs. WWX says of JGY playing Turmoil that he must have "used little spiritual power" during the Clarity sections, and "only exerted power" during the Turmoil section (ch 64). So if we think WWX would definitely have noticed the difference, there is an explanation for how he nevertheless very clearly observed NMJ's hostile energy suppressed by the music; JGY might have been using his power during the (much longer) Clarity part, and only used a very little during Turmoil. Personally, I think that it fits better with the overall emotional arc if JGY didn't change the music he was playing until after the stairs; but I accept this isn't ruled out as a possibility.

I feel obliged to note that at one point, after I was challenged on the issue of JGY changing the music after the stairs and pointed out WWX noticing NMJ's hostile energy being suppressed, as above, I was offered as an explanation for the passage that JGY couldn't possibly have abruptly switched to Turmoil right away when he started playing for NMJ, because NMJ would have noticed that he was suddenly feeling worse; and that therefore WWX clearly feeling NMJ's hostile energy being suppressed was not really evidence that JGY was playing Clarity and not Turmoil before the stairs. But I disagree with this, on two counts.

First, it is not clear to me that NMJ would in fact notice. He does not seem to be very self-aware about the effects of the sabre curse. He explicitly denies it at the stairs, for example: "I am not [in turmoil]. I know what I'm doing" (ch 49). After he burns NHS' things, when JGY asks him if he's told NHS about the sabre curse yet, NMJ asks "Why would I tell him so soon?" even though at this point he is quite clearly being affected (ch 50). And when he kicks open the door to kill JGY in chapter 50, he seems not to think about the curse at all. Of course this last is moments before he qi deviates and dies and is therefore perhaps not representative, but it fits with the general pattern; I don't believe we ever see him consider whether his anger might be because of the sabre curse, and indeed he is hardly given to questioning the righteousness of his anger in general.

Secondly, and more abstractly...WWX observing the hostile energy being suppressed—"clearly feel[ing]" it being suppressed (ch 49)—may not be /literally/ incompatible with the idea that JGY changed music after the stairs. But a story isn't just a collection of facts, and I think by far the most natural interpretation of this, in context, is that JGY is playing Clarity and not Turmoil. Which is not of course to say you can't have a resistant reading here, but I think it's generally good practice to acknowledge when your readings are resistant readings, and especially if you have a resistant reading not to say it is the only possible reading of the facts.

-JGY has no motive for playing for NMJ other than wanting him dead.

If we assume rather that he doesn't want him dead, he pretty clearly has a motive to help keep NMJ's temper under control, both on a personal level (so NMJ doesn't attack or embarrass him) and on a political level (so NMJ doesn't lose it and embarrass JGS). I would also like to note that although it was some time ago, and it seems likely that even before the stairs JGY's feelings about NMJ are not as positive as once they were, we have seen JGY go to quite heroic lengths to save NMJ's life before, when he saves him from Wen Ruohan by misdirection and assassination then drag/carries his unconscious body rather than leave him there and make good his own escape.

-The stairs and the fan burning both happen before JGY starts playing for NMJ after the stairs; NMJ wouldn't do either of those things in his right mind…

I agree; the Nie have to deal with the sabre curse. I think it's worth pointing out, too, that aside from Clarity we don't see NMJ take any measures to try to deal with the curse, either directly in addressing the curse itself, or by preventing himself from acting excessively under the influence of the curse; it shouldn't be surprising, then, that the curse can cause such drastic incidents.

-…and the sabre curse wouldn't be strong enough.

This one really confuses me as an objection, I'm going to be honest. We can be pretty sure NMJ would have qi deviated eventually, Turmoil or no. NHS says this in chapter 26:

"The sabers of our past sect leaders were all heavy with hostile energy and killing intent. Almost every single sect leader met a sudden death from a qi deviation explosion. Their irritable tempers also had a lot to do with this."

(As a side note: the missing paragraph in the ER translation right after this has I think occasionally led people to the conclusion that it is the qi deviation and such that WWX suggests is similar to demonic cultivation, as opposed to the sabres turning murderous after the deaths of their owners—you can see the Taming Wangxian and the MDZS Translation versions for the full context of the exchange.)

So NMJ was almost sure to qi deviate eventually! Moreover, he would have greatly strengthened the sabre spirit through his extensive use of Baxia during Sunshot, and after the war he continues to pursue cultivating with the sabre, without, I think, any sign of moderation. And it seems likely that he is already showing recognizable symptoms of the curse by the time JGY starts playing for him alone, as Clarity seems intended to slow the progression of the curse and also like something relatively newly introduced—they don't seem to have been doing this since Sunshot just in case, or anything. So how then could we be sure that the sabre curse on its own would be insufficient?

-NMJ wasn't at all violent before JGY started playing for him

This is simply not true. Unfortunately we don't see much of him outside of Empathy, but looking exclusively at things that happen before JGY starts playing for him:

His reputation in Sunshot is about his destroying the Wen, contrasted with LXC's which is about saving people (ch 48):

During the Sunshot Campaign, stories of praise were told about all three of the Venerated Triad. The ones of ChiFeng-Zun were about how he swept over all obstacles, leaving not even a trace of the Wen-dogs after he finished. ZeWu-Jun—Lan XiChen—however, was different from him. After the situation of the Gusu area had settled down, Lan QiRen was able to defend it with great tenacity. Thus, Lan XiChen often travelled to aid others, saving lives from danger. In all of the Sunshot Campaign, he had countless times recovered lost territory and assisted narrow escapes. This was why people were ecstatic whenever they heard his name, as though they gained a ray of hope, a powerful trump card.

The description of his reaction to seeing MY kill the Jin captain pretty strongly suggests his initial reaction was to attack MY on the spot (ch 48):

Nie MingJue saw all of the scene. Without saying a word, he unsheathed his saber by an inch. A sharp ring pierced through the air.

Hearing the familiar sound of unsheathing, Meng Yao immediately trembled. He spun around, his soul almost evaporating, “… Sect Leader Nie?”

Nie MingJue pulled all of his saber out of its sheath. The body of the sword glared brightly, yet the blade itself vaguely glinted in the red shade of blood. Wei WuXian could feel the billowing anger from him, along with emotions of disappointment and hatred.

Meng Yao knew Nie MingJue’s character more than anyone else. He dropped the sword with a clang, “Sect Leader Nie, Sect Leader Nie! Please wait, please wait! I can explain!”

Even after he's listening, he ends up grabbing MY by the collar and lifting him up (ch 48). 

When he's explaining what happened with MY to LXC, he announces his intention to kill MY if he ever sees him again (ch 48), and after MY kills WRH, saving NMJ's life in doing so, and is carrying him out afterwards, he grabs his sabre from MY's hand and tries to kill MY again (ch 49). He only stops when LXC physically blocks him, and changes his mind after LXC explains that MY was in fact a spy, and I think it's worth noting that WWX believes that MY would probably have died under NMJ's attacks before LXC arrived if NMJ hadn't been heavily injured (ch 49). We're also told the brotherhood oath 3zun swear is unusually violent, in a way JGY suggests, and which LXC notably does not refute, was decided by NMJ (ch 50). Finally, while this summary of NMJ's interests is arguably from WWX's perspective, it is still notable that the only two things he's apparently interested in are "training his saberwork and killing Wen-dogs" (ch 49)—which is to say, the study of violence, and a particular and fatal application thereof. 

(Totally unrelated fun fact: I was looking at the entrance to the Phoenix Mountain Hunt for this too and apparently NMJ is seventh on the young cultivators list (ch 69). The more you know!)

I want to be very clear that I am not saying that all of NMJ's violence is unreasonable or not understandable. But that it can be reasonable and understandable does not mean that it is not violent; and it is certainly not the only reaction a person could have to the events he's reacting to. Contrast LXC, as someone rather on the other end of the spectrum.

-If NMJ were violent, JGY wouldn't risk his life killing him via Turmoil (and therefore NMJ must not be violent)

Even aside from the extensive textual evidence for NMJ's violence, I don't think this holds together. As shown above, I think it's quite clear that NMJ was in fact always a violent man, but there is absolutely no question that he's violent to JGY in his last months of life, and if you think JGY started playing Turmoil for NMJ before the stairs, then it's really extremely clear that JGY was willing to risk NMJ's violence in killing him! I think the clash between JGY's desire to live and the evident risk to his life from killing NMJ with Turmoil actually supports the position I am arguing here. Assuming we are agreed that JGY is attached to his own life, and as it's clear that as NMJ approached his end he was a danger to JGY (regardless of how that end was induced!), why was JGY playing him Turmoil?

I think the stairs make it clear to JGY that his life is not safe while NMJ is still alive. Using Turmoil, therefore, becomes a gamble he is willing to take, though still an enormously risky one: on the one hand, it appeases his father and enables him to promise NMJ he can do whatever he likes with JGY if he doesn't kill XY in two months (ch 50), a promise he obviously and understandably has no intention of keeping. But on the other hand, if NMJ doesn't die within the two months, he probably will simply kill JGY—and more than that, given his focus on JGY, he may kill JGY anyway, for some much more trivial reason. Indeed, this is exactly what almost happens just before NMJ's death, when he kicks open a door and attempts to kill JGY on the spot because JGY was complaining to LXC about NMJ's treatment of him; if LXC hadn't blocked NMJ's sabre, JGY would almost certainly have died (ch 50). But as risky as this gamble is, it is still a better bet than waiting around and hoping LXC always saves him when NMJ tries to kill him—especially taking into account the risk from his father should he do so.

-The stairs incident was good for JGY and bad for NMJ, which is evidence that JGY arranged it on purpose

...I have a lot of things to say about this position. None of them are very nice. However, as I am in fact trying to argue in good faith, I will attempt to address it as an argument.

I think this comes from a confusion of the fandom reaction to the stairs with the in-universe reaction to it. To people now, yes, looking at this makes NMJ look bad, and inspires sympathy for JGY. In-universe, however—when NMJ publically assaults JGY and tries to kill him, when he calls him Meng Yao, when he shouts he's the son of a prostitute, it's not /NMJ/ who looks bad. NMJ of course is righteous in his anger; really he's only putting that boy in his place, don't you think? I knew Chifeng-zun didn't really accept him. Etcetera. It /weakens/ JGY's position, because the cultivation world does not have the same beliefs and priorities and value judgements that we do!

Certainly if he'd actually managed to kill JGY he would suddenly have found that he had killed JGS's beloved son, the only remaining son of the Jin, a war hero, his own sworn brother who had saved NMJ's life etc etc etc. But only because then there would have been political advantage in it for JGS, and quite substantial political advantage too, and he wouldn't have to deal with JGY being around anymore. As it stands, all NMJ's actions at the stairs do for JGY is tell the world that he is vulnerable and weak and disgusting. The only significant person in-world who would find JGY more sympathetic after this incident is LXC, and frankly a) he is already deeply in sympathy with JGY and b) we don't see JGY playing it up—after LXC's appearance at the stairs rather he minimizes and soothes things, and even when we overhear his complaints to LXC around two months later he is talking about what NMJ thinks of him, and not the physical danger NMJ poses.

I will also observe that while JGY does end up losing his temper, he starts off soothing even through NMJ's first attempted assault, and only loses it after NMJ calls him Meng Yao and says "your whole thing stopped working on me since a long time ago" in front of everyone; this attempted conciliation seems an odd thing to do were he in fact trying to manipulate NMJ into assaulting him, trying to kill him, embarrassing him and weakening his position in public. You could argue that NMJ would be more angered by JGY's attempts to be soothing than he would by JGY's directness, and thus the soothing could be read as provocative, but this simply isn't backed up by the text; while NMJ was obviously already angry before JGY lost his temper, he nevertheless escalates significantly after JGY talks back.

Moreover...I think what NMJ actually does and tries to do at the stairs, in terms of violence, is sometimes not fully grasped.

The first thing he does once they're properly outside is try to hit JGY, though fortunately JGY manages to dodge. When NMJ kicks him down the stairs, even aside from calling JGY the son of a prostitute, JGY ends up rolling down more than fifty steps and acquiring a head wound—/another/ head wound, because he already had one, apparently from the physical abuse he receives at Jinlintai from Madam Jin. And finally, NMJ actually /unsheathes his sabre/ and, after LXC approaches, announces his intention to kill JGY:

Lan XiChen, “Brother, sheath your saber first—your mind is in turmoil!”

Nie MingJue, “I am not. I know what I’m doing. He’s beyond hope. If these keeps on going, he’ll do the world harm for sure. The earlier he’s killed, the earlier we can relax!”

(ch 49)

When I say that NMJ almost killed JGY at the stairs, I am not just talking about kicking him down the stairs, although that certainly could have killed JGY. I am talking about drawing his sabre on JGY with the intention of killing him. JGY would very likely have died if LXC hadn't thought they were taking too long and come to see. 

JGY can certainly take enormous risks when it's necessary—but for a risk like this he would have to be gaining something extremely significant, and I remain unconvinced he was gaining anything at all, let alone anything worth the cost.

-NMJ's actions at the stairs and his burning NHS' things are completely unrelated to any of his previous actions and motivations.

In fact, although they're certainly both significant escalations, I think that in both cases NMJ's motivations and actions draw extensively from preceding characterization.

Consider the stairs. The direct classism is certainly new, but there are several other elements that have already been established as part of NMJ's characterization: the tendency to violence, the investment in JGY behaving correctly even while ignoring incorrect behaviour around him, the approach to justice both in his particular and frequently-retributive idea of it and in his commitment to that idea, and a failure to understand the realities of JGY's position.

The violence I discussed above, and the failure to understand JGY's position has I think been discussed sufficiently elsewhere and besides would be a full post in its own right. As to NMJ's approach to justice, you can see both idea and commitment to it in his anger to the men speaking badly of MY (ch 48) and his appreciation and promotion of MY for his accomplishments (ch 48); his initial intention to kill MY after he catches him killing the Jin captain (ch 48), his subsequent insistence that MY turn himself in to the Jin (ch 48) and his intention to kill MY for his betrayal after MY tricks him and escapes (ch 48); his initial insistence that MY should pay for killing the Nie cultivators, even as he acknowledges that MY saved his life and says he will kill himself after he kills MY (ch 49); and of course in his insistence that WQ and WN should pay for their complicity with WRH, even in the face of LXC and JC's defense of them (ch 73). And in describing LWJ as "absolutely [unable to] stand wrongdoings, possibly even more than Nie HuaiSang’s brother" (ch 30), WWX implies a great deal about the extent of NMJ's inability to stand wrongdoings. Of course, not all of these instances involve NMJ seeking violent retribution as justice, but a significant portion do—about half—and it is certainly a recurring theme. This approach to justice, I should add, is certainly involved in attempting to punish JGY for his misdeeds by killing him, but it is also part of why he is so upset in the first place: in NMJ's view of things, holding XY in prison instead of executing him for his crimes is failing to see justice properly done.

The investment in JGY behaving correctly, even while caring less about the behaviour of other people around him doing the same, is likewise an established character note. WWX concludes that NMJ's desire to guide JGY is one of the main reasons he agrees to the brotherhood (ch 49); we see his disapproval of JGY associating with XY, who already has something of a bad reputation, at the Flower Banquet (ch 49); at the conference after WWX rescues the Wen, when JGY backs up his father's lie about what WWX said about JC, NMJ seems to mark it more heavily than JGS' initial lie (ch 73). And then, of course, there is this, from the scene just before JGY starts playing for NMJ (ch 49):

In reality, it wasn’t that Jin GuangYao could calm Nie MingJue’s anger, but that since Jin GuangYao came, all of Nie MingJue’s anger would be directed at him alone, having no time to scold others. Thus, there was nothing wrong with saying that he was Nie HuaiSang’s knight in shining armor.

While NMJ's actions at the stairs are certainly not something he'd have done without the sabre curse, and again the direct classism is new, it nevertheless very much ties in to his preexisting characterization.

What about the burning of NHS' things? Again, many elements of the situation derive from NMJ's preexisting characterization; in this case, his tendency to release his anger on physical objects, his desire for NHS to be a strong cultivator and his angry displeasure with NHS' actual interests and capabilities, and his threatening to burn NHS' things.

Although prior to the burning of NHS' things it seems to be usually a momentary lashing out, NMJ definitely has a history of releasing his anger on physical objects. When he is annoyed at the men speaking badly about MY, he knocks down (or carves up? the English is unclear) a boulder at the front of the cave (ch 48); when he decides not to kill MY after LXC explains MY was their spy, he carves a boulder in half (ch 49); and he cracks the top of a table by bringing his palm down on it in the scene just before JGY starts playing for him (ch 49).

As to NMJ's desire for his brother to focus on and do well at cultivation, and his displeasure at NHS' actual areas of focus, this is perhaps one of his most consistent beats of characterization. We see it in our introduction to NHS at the Cloud Recesses lectures (ch 13); in NHS' plea for WWX's help with the test (ch 14); in LXC's message to NHS from NMJ and NHS' reason for staying in CR instead of going to Caiyi Town (ch 16); in WWX's reminiscences about NHS after discussing the "Man-Eating Ridge" with the "know-it-all of Qinghe" (ch 21); in NMJ and LXC's discussion when NMJ brings LXC NHS' sabre during in Sunshot (ch 48); and of course in the scene just before JGY starts playing for NMJ, both in his initial anger at NHS' preoccupation with the fans and uncertainty about his sabre's location, and in his dismissal of NHS as a "good-for-nothing" even after his temper had faded (ch 49).

The threatening to burn NHS' things, on the other hand, I believe we only see once, and really in the form of "instructing NHS to burn certain specific things of his"; but it is in the very scene before JGY starts playing for NMJ, as NMJ tells NHS to burn the fans he has just been going over tenderly before JGY interrupts (ch 49).

Indeed, I think that scene in general is very much worth a look here, for what it has and for what it doesn't. On the one hand, we do see NHS' fear of NMJ—he literally falls to his knees in terror, and stutters even after getting up! But he also seems fairly comfortable after the worst of NMJ's anger passes, and when NMJ sends him off he goes not to his room as instructed, but to the living room for the gifts JGY has brought him. Yet many of the elements of NMJ's later destruction of NHS' things are present here, and to my mind one of the most important things about the scene is its illustration of what prevents NMJ from carrying out the threats he made in his anger. It's not that he's convinced he's being unreasonable—indeed, he doesn't seem to consciously change his mind at all. Instead it is simply that repeated interruptions and NHS's ridiculous appearance as he greets JGY end up draining his temper, and with his temper drained he no longer pursues punishing NHS. But this has obvious implications for what might happen if NMJ's anger did not diminish, and I think it's quite clear how the behaviour NMJ exhibits in this scene could lead to NMJ burning NHS' things simply by giving him a more sustained burst of temper, even as it is not something NHS ever expected to happen, or something that would happen had NMJ's temper not been worsened by the sabre curse.

To conclude this section—while NMJ's actions at the stairs and in burning NHS' things are certainly unprecedented in themselves, they are nevertheless solidly rooted in NMJ's preexisting characterization, and it's easy to see how the sabre curse could lead to these extreme escalations. 

To conclude the post, I think the direct evidence is quite clear that JGY was playing Clarity before the stairs, and I think the indirect evidence also significantly supports it; nor am I convinced by various objections I have seen, for reasons I hope I have conveyed.

[ms-m-astrologer]

The Week Ahead: May 2-8, 2022

Void of Course Moon

Monday, May 2, 10:13 UT (Taurus) - 10:47 UT (Gemini)

Wednesday, May 4, 20:37 UT (Gemini) - 23:05 UT (Cancer)

Saturday, May 7, 10:26 UT (Cancer) - 11:50 UT (Leo)

All pretty short this week - especially that first one, clocking in at 36 minutes.

Lunar Phases

Wednesday, May 4, 21:53 UT - Crescent Moon, 29:24 Gemini

The key phrase for the Crescent lunar phase is to “gather and mobilize resources.” This chart is interesting: the Moon is void of course, having just squared Jupiter; both of them are semi-square the Sun. A little panicky perhaps over what resources we need, how much, etc.? Take a couple of deep breaths and calm down - once the Moon goes into Cancer, we’ll better be able to ascertain what we need.

Monday, May 9, 00:21 UT - First Quarter Moon, 18:23 Leo

The key phrases for the First Quarter Moon are to “take action” and to “build new structures.” The Sun and Moon are now getting close enough to Saturn, for him to have a say in how the phase works out. I think we may feel like our dedication and focus is being tested - “how much do you want it” (see below) - and we should be able to work steadily to/at what we want.

Retrograde/Direct/Etc.

Pre-retrograde shadow: Mercury/Gemini, Vesta/Aquarius (starting Monday), Jupiter/Pisces (starting Wednesday), Saturn/Aquarius

Retrograde: Pluto/Capricorn

Post-retrograde shadow: nothing until June 3

Transiting Vesta enters her pre-retrograde shadow on Monday, May 2, at 22:13 UT. This makes us (if Vesta is a “player”) even more introspective. We’ll be searching ourselves for integrity and dedication - do we really walk it like we talk it, or just pay it lip service? Remember that in the pre-retrograde shadow, we are becoming aware of situations that need our attention.

Transiting Mercury/Gemini enters its “storm” phase on Tuesday, May 3. This is when Mercury has slowed down to less than 40 minutes’ movement per day, as it approaches its retrograde station. With Mercury in Gemini, it may feel like a hamster running on its wheel - lots and lots of effort, and never getting anywhere.

Transiting Jupiter enters its pre-retrograde shadow on Wednesday, May 4. These periods tend to make us more self-sufficient (if we get it right), and can expose where we’re lacking in faith. Over the next three months, pay attention to where you may not be so focused on what’s really important.

Ingress

Monday, May 2, 16:10 UT - transiting Venus enters Aries

Venus sometimes has trouble functioning well in Aries - her nature is to attract, but Aries wants to pursue. This transit can make us a little ballsier in Venus’ areas - art, beauty, love, money - a little more amenable to taking action, instead of waiting for “it” to come to us.

Et Cetera

The Taurus Cross-Quarter Day is Thursday, May 5, 12:26 UT. Expect it to feel much like the New Moon, except stronger - the Sun’s conjunction to Uranus, and sextile to Mars, are exact.

There are two Opportunity Periods this week:

Monday, May 2, from 00:04 UT to 10:47 UT. “The path is clear during this great OP suitable for anything, from arts to finances to romance.”

From Thursday, May 5, 04:57 UT to Saturday, May 7, 11:50 UT. “Highly creative time that is perfect for brainstorming innovative ideas and making them happen.” Ms M also thinks you green-thumb types should take advantage.

As the week goes on, we may start to feel some “pressure” - starting slowly and quietly, and not really coming full strength until next week’s lunar eclipse. It may be in the form of “peer pressure” as the two entities in Aquarius, Vesta and Saturn, begin to be square to the Sun. As Cam White (YouTube astrologer) has been saying for weeks, “How much do you want it?” The Sun and Mars are closely sextile for the next three weeks, making it easy for us to stick to our principles and get the job done.

[hauntedfalcon]

Can we stop acting like the fact that AO3 didn't have to fund legal fees is a bad thing?

Its literally what we, as content creators, want. It means no jumped up Anne Rice wanna-be came after content creators. It means that the content creators using AO3 did so within full service and operation of both the law and site policy. It means that we were able to do what we enjoy doing, without threat, for two consecutive years.

Probably because people were too busy with a literal global pandemic to be serving C&D or DMCA forms over fucking fanfic, but hey, who knows, right?

It is not a bad thing.

Also, just so you know, AO3's fundraising goal is the literal bare minimum figure they'd have to have as their in-flow cash in order to function based off a cashflow forecast and internal financial analysis. Have you ever looked at your job and worked out the bare minimum you'd have to work to have all your bills paid? Yeah, that's AO3's set target for their fundraisers.

For full transparency, here's the flow chart of AO3's full 2022 budget and cashflow.

THIS IS WHAT WE WANT.

Personally if I saw that AO3 had a $00.00 flatline for in-kind legal advocacy every single year? Fuck yeah. I'd love that. Because it means nobody needed it.

But I'll bet you're pissed that big bad AO3 got so much money, mm? Its okay widdle babey, here's the cashflow analysis of the biggest corporate charities to make you feel better. AO3's annual income for the last six years alone doesn't even touch the figures you see below.

AO3 is literally not taking away from anyone. The only thing you're mad about is you feel entitled to that money because you have this skewed notion you would've received it had AO3 not. That's not how life works. AO3's donations aren't even 50% of the top 10 global charity networks and corporations. AO3 isn't 'taking away donations people in need would've received' or whatever other half-assed argument you've got brewing.

Just leave it the fuck alone. Nobody's making you use it. Nobody's forcing you to donate. Literally nobody is 'missing out' because a few hundred thousand people donated their spare change to fund the one fucking site we have, at all, that is worth said spare change. I'd rather throw a dollar at AO3 every single day for the rest of my entire life than be forced to used Wattpad or LiveJournal.

Oxfam 2019 - 2022: £30,790,000. A 24% increase. Bernardo's 2021: £280,500,000. RSPCA 2021: £151,800,000.

wow, it’s amazing how many defenders of a fanfic site manage to be so fucking illiterate.

yes you petulant little stooge, I am pissed that AO3 got so much money when people on this webbed site are literally starving and trying to pay for surgery and, you know, actual important shit like that

I’m pissed that every six months the Greek chorus of “ooooooooooooh donate to AO3 and the OTW because the legal work they do is impoooooortaaaaaaaant” starts up again, that legal advocacy is the number one thing people cite to get other people to part with their money, that mutuals who really should know better have told me that the OTW is ~~~pretty much always~~~ involved in some legal development when all of that is a full fucking lie, it’s a goddamn joke to imagine one nonprofit’s legal department is actively protecting all of us from being sued while somehow also spending no money, especially when they didn’t even protect their own users from having their work stolen off AO3 and put behind a paywall a couple years back, give me an entire break

and in exactly the same way, “because of your generosity, we have a sizeable surplus and we’re now looking into a diversified investment portfolio” was a lie for years and it never happened and they finally just… quietly omitted it from their financial reports

I’m pissed that a fourteen year old nonprofit has never bothered to diversify their funding at all with grants for specific projects, and instead relies on unallocated funds from donors, and they justify this piss poor practice simply because “we are supported entirely by our users” looks better

I’m pissed that every time I mention how their “transparent” budget is actually pretty pants about certain things, like the fact that they changed the amounts in their estimated columns to match what actually came in, and how nonprofit budgets are publicly available for this exact reason, so that we the public can decide if they’re actually doing what they ought to be doing before we give them our money, some tiresome little pissant climbs out of a puddle to send me a link to the exact fucking spreadsheet I got my information from

so no I will not be leaving it alone, thanks, I will fucking increase the fucking thing. you sound like a sucker, so you’d better go donate to AO3

[blueeyedheizer]

avoid - michael gray

WARNINGS: mentions of death, pregnancy

A/N: not sure if I like this or not lol, also it's not really proofread (actually yes i've proofread it about 50 times but my brain is barely functioning sksjdjdb) aaaand I still don't know how to end my fics

•••

You felt like you were living with a ticking time bomb waiting to blow off. You weren't sure what had caused Michael to be so cold and distant with you today but you knew that if it had anything to do with work, it was better to let him deal with it on his own. He had never been violent towards you —and you knew he would never be— but the idea of him raising his voice at you still made you nervous.

It all started this morning when he got up at about 5 to answer a call and didn't get back to bed after that. Instead he got dressed and left without a word, leaving you alone until he came back in the afternoon. You had figured Tommy must have needed him to take care of something important, but as the day went by and he was still in a mood it was getting clear that it had nothing to do with business.

"My mom wants to pay us a visit next week." you speak hesitantly as Michael walks through the door. He quickly walks past you, whispering a small "alright" on his way.

"She said she has a surprise for us. Probably has to do with the baby." you try to smile but he avoids your gaze. He only nods before grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl and leaving the room silently. Your watch him walk away with concern, the worst thoughts starting to occupy your mind.

Was he seeing someone else? Was he planning on breaking up with you?

You glanced down at your growing bump and shook your head before going back to the dishes, trying not to overthink the situation.

But soon enough, you grew tired of the deafening silence in the house and the lack of company. Michael was definitely avoiding you, staying in his office while you sat alone in the living room, trying to read a book to ease your nerves. With a sigh you closed your book and placed it on the couch next to you before making your way over to your husband's office, determined to get answers.

You didn't even bother to knock before bursting in, causing Michael's head to shoot up and his hand to instinctively reach for the drawer where his gun was safely tucked. He relaxed and leaned back on his chair when he saw you then ran a hand through his hair, sighing heavily.

"What is it, Y/N?"

"What is it?" you scoff. "You've been avoiding me all day, I want to know why." you crossed your arms over your chest, leaning against the doorframe as you waited for an answer.

"I'm not avoiding you." he spoke lowly, as if already annoyed by your presence.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you locked in your office on a sunday, not bothering to speak to me and brushing me off like I'm some stranger you don't want to cross path with?" he doesn't answer and keeps sifting through his papers and writing things down. "Michael, Im talking to you!" you raised your voice.

"Fucking hell Y/N, just leave me alone! You’ve been here all day trying to get me to talk when I clearly don't fucking want to talk to you! You really can't take a hint, can you? Just get the fuck out of here!” he suddenly yells as his first collides with the desk, making you flinch. Your body tenses and the room fills with a heavy silence as you stare at each other, his eyes hard and cold while your own fill with tears, trying hard not to let them slip. You were already a pretty emotional person, but your pregnancy made it all worse so it was obvious you'd start tearing up at the slightest confrontation. After a moment he rips his gaze away from yours and you open your mouth before closing it again. Your heart is beating fast in your chest and you can almost feel a wave of nausea.

"I'm just trying to help, Michael." you murmur, voice shaking.

"Well I don't need your help!"

After a few seconds you walk out of the room, closing the door behind you and allowing yourself to sob.

You hear a few muffled curse words coming from the office as you make your way back into the living room, soon followed by the sound of the door opening.

"Fuck, Y/N, wait!" Michael suddenly calls out, storming out of the room and running after you. Before you knew it his arms are wrapped around your waist from behind, his thumb tracing circles over your belly as he holds you close. You don't try to push him away but you sob into your hands in shame of not being able to control yourself around him, your hormones getting the best of you.

"I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry. Fuck, I didn't mean any of this." he spoke softly, in complete contrast with his previous outburst. He holds you and waits for your sobs to die down, occasionally pressing kisses on your cheeks and neck while his hand rubs your belly in a soothing manner. "I'm sorry, love. I love you so much." he chokes on his words as tears escape his eyes as well.

You try to focus on your breathing and control your sobs as you wipe your tears, holding your arms close to yourself while looking down.

"We're having a baby, Michael." you remind him. "You can't keep everything to yourself and just let me sit and watch when you're going through something. You can't just avoid me like the fucking plague whenever you're upset. Not anymore." you manage to say, a few hiccups cutting you mid-sentence as you speak.

"I know baby. I'm so sorry." Michael takes a deep breath before pressing a sweet kiss to your cheek. He's silent for a few more seconds, swinging you back and forth in his arms and letting you calm down before speaking up.

"My foster mom died." he finally admits softly. His arms tighten around you, refusing to let you go in fear that you would leave. Your eyes soften and you reach to rest a hand on his cheek, leaning up to press a small kiss to his jaw.

"I'm sorry." you say softly.

"I shouldn't have left her like I did. I abandoned her when I met the Shelbys and," he sighs. "I don't know. I shouldn't have cut all ties with my foster family so suddenly. Now it's too late and the woman who raised me for most of my life will never get to see my daughter." you stay silent for a moment, trying to think of an answer.

"She knew you loved her. And she also knew the life you had with her was not the life you were meant to live. You were raised as Henry, but deep down you've always been Michael. I'm sure she never blamed you for leaving." you say and he nods. You eventually let go of his embrace and turn around to wrap your arms around his waist, hugging him as properly as you can with your 5 months pregnant belly getting on the way. You both stay silent for a moment, his hand running through your hair soothingly.

"I really wish you'd told me sooner."

"I'm sorry, Y/N, I really am. I know stress is bad for the baby and I didn't want you to worry about me but I ended up doing the exact opposite." you pulled back and kissed him softly, reaching up to wipe a tear from his cheek.

"It's alright. Just promise me you won't keep these kind of things to yourself anymore. I lost my father too, you know. I know what it's like to lose someone you love." Michael nods before kissing you again, letting it linger for a moment before pecking your lips again.

You look up at him with a smile before pulling away to rest your hands on your belly, looking down at your clothed skin which grew more and more with each day.

"She's been kicking a lot lately." you smile.

"Yeah?"

"Mhmm." you nod and watch as he gets down on one knee, lifting your shirt up and kissing your growing skin as your hands rest on your hips. You chuckle at the feeling and place his hand above your belly button, your own resting on top of his, waiting for something to happen. You eventually guide his hand a few inches lower and a huge smile breaks on both your faces when you feel a rather hard kick, quickly followed by a second one a little further away from the first.

With one last kiss to your swollen skin Michael gets back on his feet and cradles your face, pulling you in for a passionate kiss which you gladly return.

"You're going to be the most amazing mom."

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP meme from Werewolf: The Apocalypse "Kinfolk: Unsung Heroes" Introduction & Ch.1

"I have normal human fears and frailties, despite my faith."

"I’m terrified I won’t be there when they need me, that I won’t be able to give fully of myself to save them when the time comes. And the price of my failure, for them, would be too high."

"It was like nothing else mattered, nothing else could fill my eyes like the sight of him."

"Now, of course, I realize I was in shock at the time clammy skin, disorientation, that sort of thing."

"That night misted over my senses; even now, it seems more like a vivid dream than anything else."

"I had to watch. I couldn’t turn away."

"That night, I saw I had to protect him. He needed me, and it’s just as simple as that."

"Let’s just say what I know has come in handy."

"The best folks give the most of whatever they can."

"Think about it — would you like to go through childbirth every nine months from age 14 to 50?"

"We’re human beings, dammit!"

"I’ll always do anything I can to help, even if I’m royally pissed; I don’t expect thanks or money, either. But it would be nice to get some respect."

"I'm not alone in saying that I hate being patronized."

"Give an inch, they’ll take a mile" is what some of them think about us."

"The rhetoric a lot of them use sounds like the same crap bigots give when trying to “justify” why women and minorities shouldn’t have equal rights."

"Just once, I’d like to feel like an equal, a partner in all this."

"Ever think about how hard things would be without us?"

"I see by your scowl that doesn’t satisfy you."

"Think of it as normal family responsibilities, magnified a thousand times."

"It’s practically medieval!"

"I mean, it looks like such fun to turn into a wolf."

"There are connections like you wouldn’t believe. Completely outside the law, these people can get dirt on the opposition, perform b&e without leaving a trace and provide muscle no other boss can beat. All they ask is some capital, some boltholes and a little legal cover. Sweetest deal in the world!"

"What do I think about it? Imagine what it’d be like for someone to call you and say you’d missed out on a million dollars because you got one wrong number on the lottery ticket."

"Some are too caught up in the things of humans —chasing after money to have what advertisers insist they can’t do without, living their soap-opera lives and not seeing what the world is really all about. I pity them."

"There is sweeter revenge than death."

"I laugh with joy thinking how your heart will burst should you ever have to face him in battle."

"It’s a great honor to be who I am, who we are. But it’s scary, too."

"Families can quarrel, snarl and cut one another to the quick, but in times of trouble, they’ll stick together."

"God, Allah, Gaia, the Great Spirit or whoever gave us this job, so we have to do the best we can with it."

"Blood also fetters our lives in hatred as well as love, I’m afraid to say."

"I’m not saying this is a fact, but if she was abused, it might explain some things."

"I’m sorry, I can’t quite imagine a moment of sensual passion with someone I don’t love, much less hardly know!"

"In other words, it’s the connections that’re vital, not the money or the mileage."

"Many have wealth, but not all; lineage, not money, is most important."

"That’s a heavy price to pay in a harsh world."

"Self-sacrifice is also important."

"Sacrifice comes in terms of emotional costs, too."

"It’d be pretty stupid for me to become a gun-toting mercenary, for example."

"To put a positive spin on all this, I guess I’d say it’s nice to be needed."

"I admit I don’t really understand what it is or when it’ll be, but many’s the Irish tale where a small oversight wreaked terrible disaster."

"So I got online and made a few phone calls and tried to get the “truth” in as many forms as I could."

"The word “family” has come to mean a lot more things than the 1950s concept of mommy, daddy and two perfect children."

"Raising children is no bed of roses, either."

"Kids love to test their parents and see just how far they can push and still get away with it."

"There’s no way this could be easy."

"Some days, I have to bite my tongue, and that does get old."

"I was just too stupid and blind to see it."

"I always felt like I was split, alone, part of something I couldn’t name."

"Listen, you have no idea what it’s like to watch someone you love slowly lose her mind."

"There are some, well, bimbos."

"You know, the ones that like to control CEOs and topple careers."

"Here, try a piece of this chicken gizzard. I get ’em real cheap down at the butcher shop. No one else seems to want these extra parts. I grill ’em with a little barbecue sauce and honey mustard. Delicious! Thanksgiving’s always the best time, though. Then there’s turkey necks for the takin’!"

"Our families are pretty big, and we figure even the most distant cousin or friend of a friend’s part of the group."

"I’m sure you know, working with people all the time, how far thanks and a friendly smile go when you’re dead on your feet. It’s like the sun’s come out on a cloudy day."

"I mean, some of that stuff is long outdated!"

"It’s more a matter of belief and pureness of spirit, if you ask me."

"The Network also has a lot of splinter groups that organize among youth, educators, environmentalists and so on."

"The Network also has a lot of splinter groups that organize among youth, educators, environmentalists and so on."

"We’re steadfast and steady, yet vibrant and alive, warriors, artists, writers, musicians beyond compare."

"I don’t know if we can save them, but we won’t give up."

"To be tested and accepted by the greatest warriors in the world — no greater honor can we ask for."

"Think of us as the tiny little parts that hold a machine together. Maybe it could function without us, but not without a lot of wear and tear on the system. You get my drift."

"If leader seems weak, I test him. He shows strength, I stop."

"They’re the ones who are causing all the problems by rebelling against the people in charge. They need to settle down and just be content with what they’ve got, if you want my opinion."

"Why should I worry? It’s a clear day. Traffic’s light, but walking’s fine. You get to see where you’re going. I’ll hit a little town ’fore dark and trade a song or story for some food and a piece of floor."

"Revolutions are intolerable and inexcusable."

"The aristocracy attained their positions for a reason, for only the most worthy were chosen to lead, after all. If the

lower classes overthrow the aristocrats, anarchy is the sure result. One need only look at history; Can the Russians truly say their lot improved after they murdered the Romanovs?"

"History has always been a beloved subject to me."

"I pity those souls, displaced by fortune, who are ignorant of their heritage. How can one know who he is without knowing where he comes from? A man — or woman — is the sum of all who came before."

"Money is not the issue; many great families lost their fortunes, yet retain their nobility."

"It’s a poor teacher who doesn’t learn from her student; in this way, the knowledge of both increases."

"Dreams, of course, are the pathways of our souls; here rest our secret desires, fears and hopes."

"You doubt me. You don’t speak against me, but I can see your heart is dubious."

"There’s no greater glory than to serve the destiny of the universe."

"The lacerations looked exactly like the work of sharp teeth, deep into his flesh."

"I won’t go s’far as to say there’s undying loyalty, but we do have a lot of respect for each other."

"Were I as capable as my ancestors, I’d kill you now and never spare a second thought."

"No atonement can replace those lost children."

"Thus far, we have been lucky, but it’s just a matter of time before someone we don’t want sneaks in. It’s not that I want to close ranks by any means; I just wish we paid a little closer attention to who came in from the cold."

"Yeah, yeah, I know you think we’re a dime a dozen. I’d like to believe we’re a little more special than most."

"We’ve built too much for a rotten apple to spoil it all."

"I don’t believe this guy; it seems almost too perfect to be true!"

[takadanobaba]

Prizoom Ticket Buying Walkthrough

Have you ever wanted to experience what a cheering screening is like regardless of location, even overseas? How about soundboard hell?

Well you’re in luck because there’s literally nothing stopping you because prizooms are a thing and they aren’t region locked at all!!! And I love them!!!!

I love them so much that I made a whole post just to make the ticket buying process even more easy!!!! 

If you’re interested in attending a prizoom, please participate and show your support for kinpri!!!

So to preface, “prizooms” are online King of Prism cheering screenings using Zoom and featuring a soundboard powered by Ainotte. Tickets are sold through RakutenTicket.

My first prizoom was Jin’s! 💙  I posted an impressions post here, in case if you wanted a detailed summary of what a prizoom is like! I also posted about Rei’s prizoom and will be using screenshots from buying tickets for that during this!

~

You’ll need a Rakuten Ticket account before trying to make your purchase, so if you haven’t, go to this link (the Rakuten member registration page) and make an account.

(Actually forgot most of the details for making an account when typing this but I do remember it being decently easy so.... if I’m missing anything it shouldn’t be too hard to figure out ^^;)

First part is pretty straightforward, they even have an official English translation of the registration page so you don’t have to put it through google translate! Also it doesn’t matter what language you set during registration, your account will work for buying prizoom tickets even if you don’t use the Japanese page.

For the address, I just looked up “Japanese postal codes” and put in the first result that showed up and picked the prefecture it came from (Tokyo) just to be safe. Pretty sure you can just put whatever you want though. Forgot what info I used (and can’t figure out how to see my account info to check?) but pretty sure I didn’t type in legit info and it went through anyways.

For the phone number, you can use your actual full phone number, including the country code!

(I forgot if they need to verify your phone number, but I’d suggest to use your real phone number just in case)

After that, confirm your information and create your Rakuten Ticket account!

So first you would go to whatever prizoom you’re interested in’s information page (usually found promoted on the kinpri twitter account) and then click the blue link, which will take you to its Rakuten Ticket page!

Then if you scroll down a bit, you’ll see the different tickets available for purchase! The first and most expensive option is for every showing in the event, the ones below it are specific showings.

Also!!! If you want to skip a showing, you’ll have to go through the purchasing process for each single ticket you want to buy. There isn’t a cart function as far as I’m aware, so I had to pay the service fee twice. It’s kind of a pain but I guess that just gives more incentive for people who just want to do 2+ showings to just go all the way.

(Looking back on it, I regret only doing 2 out of 3 and not just buying an all-inclusive ticket for Jin’s showing since I would’ve loved it...)

I want to attend the screening of SSS part 4, so I’ll click the red button for the 3rd option!

Next screen is where you choose which room you want to participate in!  The red option is the cheering room, and the blue is for the chat+soundboard only room. I’ve heard that the cheering rooms are more fun (and a closer experience to an actual cheering screening), but I started out with chat-only rooms and personally REALLY REALLY REALLY enjoyed them! Both rooms use the soundboard, so if you’re interested in cheering through that (seeing as most people using this walkthrough would proooobably not have much experience cheering or be confident enough in Japanese to turn on their mic), it’s okay to attend either room!

I’ll be going to the chat-only room again! So I’ll click that, and then click the dropdown and set it to the only other option so that I can buy one ticket.

After that, a confirmation screen pops up. The orange button on the left is to cancel/go back, and the one on the right is to confirm.

The next section asks how you would like to pay, you’ll probably want to (and most likely can only) pay with a credit/debit card, so just select the first option before scrolling down until you get a bunch of blanks to fill out like below.

Now here’s the fun part! Putting in some really obviously made up information!

The first line asks for your last name, and the line below that asks for your first name. Don’t bother trying to type in your name in English letters/romaji, the system will only allow Japanese letters. As long as it’s in Japanese, you can put any name you want! 

In the section below the first 2 boxes, it asks you to rewrite your name in katakana specifically. If you have trouble with differentiating hiragana/katakana/kanji, you can always just paste something into a katakana converter or go wild with google translate till something works. Though it’d be good for you to learn at least a little bit of Japanese since it makes the whole screening experience more enjoyable.

I just set my name as 高田馬場 (Takadanobaba) ジョージ (Joji) because why not. For the second set of name boxes I put タカダノババ (Takadanobaba in katakana) ジョージ (Joji again, almost every kinpri character’s first name is already written in katakana). If you don’t want to bother with putting in different info then you can just paste that in haha.

For the address, make sure you put in a Japanese zip code! Non-japanese codes won’t work. You can select any prefecture you want, but for the example I put その他 / ”Somewhere else”. For the next few boxes you can type in literally anything you want, it doesn’t matter. It’s just an online event so the only place they send you anything is to your email! (They should just remove the whole address section since it gets tedious to fill out and isn’t used for anything haha...) Your address doesn’t need to be consistent with the info you used to make your account! 

ALSO!!!! If you’re running the page through google translate or something and get stuck, make sure you revert it back to its original before filling in your information and hitting the orange button! If you don’t then it keeps switching your birth month to the default 1/January and you won’t be able to move onto the next page. Your birthday needs to match up with the info you used to make your Rakuten account with!

When you’re done, click the orange confirmation button to go to the next page!

Next page just asks if you want to use your RakutenTicket points to discount your purchase. You can only use them if you have at least 50 points.

After that, put in your payment information! You don’t need a Japanese credit/debit card and can use the information for any card you want......... as long as it’s valid for you to use! Don’t steal someone’s card info or put in fake information for this. This is a transaction with actual money involved here. ^^;

Putting in the numbers on your card is also straightforward, the most confusing part would probably just be the name. Make sure you type the cardholder name in ALL CAPS otherwise it won’t work.

Should be obvious but I only used “TAKADANOBABA JOJI” for example purposes, if you’re copying my info, don’t actually put that unless if your name is actually Takadanobaba Joji and your credit card really says that. I changed it to my legal information after taking this screenshot so my purchase would go through. Use the actual name on your card!

After you put in your payment info and it’s verified, review your purchase, scroll down, and check the box at the end if you want to go through with your order.

The box before that asks if you want to receive email notifications for when events relating to King of Prism and online events have their tickets up for sale.

When your tickets are bought, you’ll get an order code like this! (You don’t really need it, this isn’t used in your prizoom ticket)

To see your ticket information, you can either check your email or go to the RakutenTicket home page and log into your account to view your purchase history.

When you click whatever ticket you want to see information for, scroll down until you find your “入室用ID” / “Entry ID” information.

From here, you’ll see your ticket info, alongside a link to the event’s bonus zoom backgrounds right above it!

You will also get an email with your ticket information!

Your ticket info will consist of numbers separated into three sections by slashes like this! The sections in order would be:

1) The Zoom meeting ID code (882 8702 1252)

2) The password to be let into the Zoom meeting (964689)

3) What you need to set your display name to before entering (6703)

(The numbers won’t be the same, also this is from Jin’s first showing so it’s long over and this information is useless outside of providing an example.)

Only one device is allowed per ticket, so don’t try to distribute the same ticket to multiple people to get out of paying for yourself or anything like that!

(Assuming you don’t need this guide to tell you how to download Zoom or find the option to join a meeting)

Put in the first number into the first box and the third number into the second box. Then you’ll get a popup asking for a passcode, so the second number.

Then it’ll show you when the event is scheduled for in your timezone! This is helpful for if you haven’t already and want to set an alarm for when it starts but don’t want to fumble through time converters. Though it would be good to double check just in case if the popup is off.

On the day of the event and a bit earlier from the first showing, you’ll get an email with a link for the prizoom soundboard! 

The soundboard is the same for all of the event’s showings and both rooms, so please only participate when appropriate so you don’t ruin the experience in showings you’re not attending if you choose to listen in on them!

I’ve annotated the buttons for accessibility  💖 

The gender/voice options can be switched in the top right corner (it’s set to the female option by default). The volume can be controlled with the sliding bar (the default is 5 which is honestly wayyy too low of a number considering how loud it is)

And with that, you’re all set! Once you’ve done all of the above, all you have to do is just wait for the event to start and then experience the prizoom sparkle!  💖

Shortly after the event ends, you get an email asking for feedback like this!

Just click the link and you can also put in any information and comments you want... whether you decide to let the staff know that there’s international interest in kinpri is up to you ^^

If you find that you enjoy prizooms, or just want to help make sure that there’s an opportunity to experience cheering screenings regardless of location, it would be helpful to comment that they should keep holding them in the future!  💖

If there’s any other questions, I’d be happy to answer!

[tommosupport]

We get some asks from time to time about where to get data from. Of course, we want to preface this by saying that you need proper context in order to be able to use the data fully and build on it. Nevertheless, there are a bunch of platforms available for you to use - we’ve added caveats where necessary.

1.       Kworb (http://kworb.net) 

a.   Provides realtime iTunes chart updates for both singles and albums, as well as iTunes popularity updates for both singles and albums. You can sort by country or get worldwide data, and the platform also offers some data on YouTube and other metrics, such as Artist Popularity.

b.   Drawbacks: Keep in mind that even though it’s realtime, there is a lag in Kworb’s data nonetheless. Popularity is updated only every four hours or so. iTunes charts will update more regularly, but will lag behind what people may already be able to see in their own iTunes stores.

2.       DigitalSalesData (http://digitalsalesdata.com) 

a.   This website used to be able to provide you with the sales numbers for singles on iTunes charts.

b.   Drawbacks: It no longer gives accurate data, because this is no longer included in the iTunes Store API. Nonetheless, it does give you an indication of the market as a whole in a country – are the margins to get into the Top 10 close or not, and what’s the sales velocity like? Keep in mind that these numbers therefore should be interpreted, and not just blankly copied or taken as reflective of the actual sales numbers.

3.   Chartmetric (http://chartmetric.com) 

a.   Probably one of the most elaborate websites that lets you collect many KPIs from various platforms – TikTok, Shazam, Spotify, AppleMusic, YouTube, etc. They have over 25 different data sources.  It also shows you things like fan conversion rate (the ratio of monthly listeners vs artist followers on Spotify, for example), and lets you sort playlists on whether they are editorial, personalized or both. They provide data on trends and give you updates in percentages as well when it comes to relative change in subscribers, views, etc. There’s a separate section on social insights, too. They also developed their own cross-platform index which is a useful tool to see if an artist is able to really create a robust fan foundation across all various social platforms. Chartmetric regularly publishes interesting pieces on their latest finds and data analysis. Reading them will help you understand the data they offer, and will let you know how to interpret it all.

b.   Drawbacks: You can only follow up to 5 tracks/items and get email notifications for the free version. And most importantly, you need to actually put in some work to understand how you can interpret their data points. Otherwise it can be overwhelming, or you may just copy-paste the numbers without contextualizing them, which isn’t going to help anyone. It’s great for trends, but you need to be able to identify those and explain them, supported by the numbers. You also don’t have as much insight into radio on the free platform.

4.   Songstats

a.   Similar to Chartmetric, SongStats offers data on an artist and their discography, using various inputs (Spotify, Beatport, AppleMusic, Deezer, Shazam, SoundCloud, Amazon, Instagram, Twitter, TikTok, TraxSource, 1001 Tracklists, YouTube, iTunes). It can also provide you with an overview of the top current playlists where any music by Louis is playlisted. You can customise what data inputs you want to see.

b.   Drawbacks: The data they provide for the free version is very limited, and while they do provide some analytics for free – those are all cumulative data. For example, they’ll say Defenceless is on 114 playlists and has a reach of 2,04M. This is in total, across time. It is not always current, so again you have to be very careful with reading the data they give you in analytics, and how you need to interpret it. It also depends per input source. iTunes & AppleMusic do offer a distinction between current or total/cumulative.

5.   Soundcharts (http://soundcharts.com) 

a.   Similar to Chartmetric and Songstats (more like Songstats in how it’s formatted, but more like Chartmetric in the data it lets you see). Very useful specifically if you want to see a breakdown of radio play per country.

b.   Drawbacks: This is only free for two weeks, then plans start at 41$ a month. Moreover, again, be careful in how you interpret data. They don’t properly account for syndicated shows, and they use a questionable metric to track audiences. It also makes no distinction between internet/terrestrial radio. (There’s a difference, because internet radio is traditionally not counted for charting, whereas airplay on ‘terrestrial’ radio does count if radio is tracked for charting purposes like in the US). When you look at e.g. radio play, make sure to use the function to filter out plays shorter than 30 seconds!

6.   SpotifyCharts (http://spotifycharts.com) 

a.   The official site of Spotify that updates on Viral and Top 200 playlists. You may find that there’s a difference between the numbers shown here and on an artist’s own profile. It’s because these numbers have been audited extra carefully to filter out any sort of artificial inflation or fraudulent streaming activities. These update daily around 3PM EST, usually a bit earlier than the song specific numbers.

b.   Drawbacks: While they do update daily, the time thereof is incredibly irregular.

7.   Chartmasters (http://chartmasters.org) 

a.   A site that allows you to quickly see an artist’s overall Spotify streams in a table. You can sort based on popular songs or on discography.

b.   Drawback: You need an account and only get to use it 3 times a day. Make sure you use them wisely.

8.   Billboard (http://billboard.com) 

a.   Billboard offers a variety of charts – aside from the most well known Hot 100 and Album 200 (and the Social 50 in the past). It also used to offer artist-specific overviews of peak chart positions.

b.   Drawbacks: We said ‘used to’, because they technically still offer it – you just need to have a paid subscription to be able to access that data, as well as the other charts they have. Think of split-out charts on digital download sales or streaming, as well as radio airplay or genre-specific charts.

9.   NextBigSound (http://nextbigsound.com) 

a.   NBS is monitored and used by Nielsen to compile the Social 50 for Billboard. It provides you a good overview of social media clout and activity. It also gives margins as to whether or not an artist’s activity and engagement are on par with what you’d expect of an artist what x amount of followers, for example. Also unique: It gives you insights in Pandora. Pandora is part of SiriusXM, as well as its own streaming service and is therefore influential in US radio play as well.

b.   Drawbacks: It only tracks a limited amount of data sources (Facebook, Pandora, Twitter, Wikipedia), and used to provide more insights as to e.g. gender & country demographics. It no longer will do that, unless you have access to an artist’s AMP on Pandora.

10.   Radio Airplay Chart UK (http://ukairplaychart.com/)

a.   Gives you an overview of Top 40 songs being played on UK radio. You can also choose whether you want a rolling overview or see last chart week.

b.   Drawbacks: It doesn’t tell you how often a song needs to be played and if this is based on audience or amount of plays (or when songs were most often played)

11.   AllAccess (http://allaccess.com) 

a.   This is the database that is most often used by radio in the US to find new songs to play and to track radioplay across the country. It’s also a great platform to keep updated with the latest changes in terms of program directors or hosts at particular radio stations (which is useful when requesting). It will show you when a song was played and how often, and the estimated audience that was reached. All these things factor in airplay charting, so it’s nice to have a breakdown of it. It’ll also tell you which radio stations are giving support.

b.   Drawbacks: You need to have an existing account with them and you need to know how to navigate their platform, which can be quite tricky. Moreover, they use the callsigns of radio stations, which can further complicate finding the data you need, because you’re most likely not going to be familiar with those.

12.   SpotonTrack (http://spotontrack.com) 

a.   Sends you daily reports of Spotify and AppleMusic tracking data for a song. Useful for playlist updates!

b.   Drawbacks: Only lets you track one song for two weeks in the free trial, after that you’ll have to pay for the service. You could technically also monitor radioplay, but this is not available for free trial users.

13.   RadioMonitor (http://radiomonitor.com) 

a.   This site shows you radio charts around the world, but can also provide aggregate data for particular regions.

b.   Drawbacks: Only useful once a song has started charting in airplay Top 10s.

14.   WARM Music (https://warmmusic.net/) 

a.   Allows you to track radio play starting from 3E per month

b.    Drawbacks: Not sure how accurate their data is, though they monitor over 28000 stations around the world. When using the free trial from time to time, it always seemed somewhat limited and not in step with what other sites would say (i.e., currently it says Defenceless was only played 49 times in total over the past two weeks. We know this is not correct.).