#so its like. fuck it i might as well do it myself so it costs 30 or less to tweak until it looks right

[voids-cave]

Cleon insanity when Claire is like "hey have you ever wanted kids" and Leons whole world comes collapsing on itself yet again because actually, he has just Not thought about them, he never thought he'd be in a position where he could just have a family ever in his life as of yet, and when he did think about it he pushed it away because he thought he'd never be good at it anyways given his circumstances.

And the worst thing, Claire knows this. But she wants to invite him to try that kind of life both of them know it will be extremely difficult to achieve. Because she wants him to know he's still human, and isn't incapable of living what one would describe as the normal life to live just because of his past, or trauma. She herself also deals with the struggle if she'll ever be able to have a life like that, like she sort of imagined when she was a child. Perhaps not children, but...just make a family out of her partner. Spouses, making life what they want, making a home, traveling, making something together. She still holds the hope she can have that, and that other's can.

That's why she fights so hard so that other's can also live that life, or any life they desire without fearing they'd be incapable to do so given the state of the world. Making a family, marrying, having a partner or someone to take care of is now something that could so easily turn into you needing to kill them in the end, or them killing you, or both of you. But she won't let that get in the way of her or other's happiness because she believes connection is the most important thing in a human life.

And she wants that for Leon, share that with him.

Anyways t4t cleon 4eva. be happy, trans your gender, queer it up yall.

[mejomonster]

Okay so I used clairol advanced gray semi permanent dye for the first time ever. I'm absolutely beyond impressed.

I've used Clairol Jazzed before (the pink one because of course I tried pink) and it lasted 1 fucking wash, 1 fucking day, I was charged like 50 dollars by the salon that put it in and had to redo it myself the day of the wedding when my hair was meant to be pink. So naturally, because of that experience I had avoided ever buying Clairol semi permanent dyes again.

But my hair was bleached to white, lacking any gold tones, and the problem is every "natural color" dye generally is formulated with the expectation you are at LEAST putting the dye on pale banana yellow hair, or light gold hair, since that's how much most people lighten their hair. They don't make most "natural color dye" formulations for fools like me that over processed their poor fucking hair to paper white then accidentally stained them with ash so they're fucking grey ;-; no. No generally there's no fucking dye options to add gold to hair with absolutely no base gold. I usually slap pink, peach, or rose gold into hair when I've fucked up and bleached ALL yellow out of my hair, because pinks add gold back in. Pinks turn your hair pink, then fade to golden blonde. Thankfully. But alas, this time? I added peach and my hair just got silvery/whiter rather than dull grey. It still didnt get enough gold added ;-;

So I go to Sally's, asking if there's anything that will deposit golden tones to hair that's lacking any gold to begin with. Since usually, a natural blonde dye will have some violet or blue (or green if you pick a dark blonde) because the dye is meant to neutralize the slight gold tint hair is when lightening. Natural color dye does not actually get made to be put on paper white (or grey) canvasses of hair. So at Sally's, they suggest GREY COVERAGE dyes. Since natural grey hair also lacks that light Yellow base. Further, they suggest semi permanent so I can mix it with conditioner to control the color outcome better. Finally, they suggest I get both a 6G and a 6N so I can mix a tiny bit of 6N just in case the gold on its own alone (or at least as the overpowering color in 6G) doesn't hit the blue-greyish hair I've got currently and turn swamp colored (the 6N can add some of those ash tones the 6G expects on natural hair so the dye comes out closer to expected).

I do like 20 squirts of my conditioner, 20 squirts of 6G and 6 squirts of 6N. (Beforehand I do a patch test of just 6G, and 6G mixed with 6N. Both turn out golden blonde so I go with mixing both colors so my roots don't get super warm, since my roots aren't grey only the platinum lengths). Turns out: perfect natural looking golden blonde.

I decide to go over it again with just the 6N (neutral) mixed with conditioner (20 squirts conditioner 20 6N dye), because now that there's gold base in my hair I can put a neutral dye in and get a result I expect. I do, it's now a neutral-ashy blonde (but my hair tends to pull ashy quite easily). Since it's semi permanent, it's likely to fade. As long as the gold color clings longer I should be fine (gold generally does hold out longer, since people always complain about brassiness when their toners fade lol). Once it fades? My plan is just continue what I've been doing, shadow roots on myself to blur the growth line, and keeping my lengths some shade of natural looking blonde ToT.

Anyway I'm so fucking impressed with the clairol advanced grey semi permanent line. 1. They work fine on actual grey (or ashy as all hell greenish/bluish hair) 2. They can therefore ADD gold back into hair (or add reds if you fucked up and turned a brown color super ashy). This is great cause very few products can add warmth back in. (Before this, pink dye was literally the only thing I'd ever tried that managed to add gold back in). 3. You can control the light/darkness of the outcome by adding conditioner when mixing, just like if it was a rainbow color like pink. (For example I used 6G and 6N, but with conditioner I lightened them to a level 8 blonde. And for the test strands I did level 9 lightness). It's rare I've seen the ability to control lightness with dyes that come in natural shades. 4. They come out true to color. I got pretty much exactly what was promised on the bottle. The 6G dominant mixture I made gave me a solid Golden Blonde (level 8 with the conditioner mix). The 6N only mixture with conditioner I did later gave me a fairly neutral level 8 blonde (my hair pulled slightly ashy because my bleached hair has less gold than normal hair lol but still overall fairly neutral). I can say the color came out very close to the color of the conditioner mixture, just like if I was using a pink dye. 4. Very even coverage. This is good or bad depending on perspective. The good is I think it would provide good grey coverage by darkening grey hair to the surrounding hair color. The downside is I had an ombre and now its much less noticeable as the lighter hair was darkened... but it's a semi permanent so it'll fade. And the ombre will be clear again later lol.

Anyway, results:

Before dying, you can see it's white with pink bits, and very warm roots:

This is after the 6G, a little 6N, and conditioner mix (for 1 hour):

A much more natural looking color, way more blended. My roots are still a little darker as expected. But the result was a Bit too brassy for my liking in the sun. Still, adding gold was the goal so SUCCESS LOL

After the 6N conditioner mixture, 20 minutes:

In natural lighting, a bit less brassy. A bit more ashy, darkened my lengths a slight bit more. Quite happy with it though, as lengths are still slightly lighter and as it fades I'll preserve my highlights. My roots are still a touch brassy but 1 they're gonna be dyed over with regrowth in a couple months so not a big concern, and 2 it's my lengths over absorbing dye like crazy so like. Once the lengths are looking good, I can fuck with dying the roots whenever. The roots are likely to stay the same shade more or less, as the porous bleached hair fades faster. At least until it heals from enough protein treatments.

[fandomfix13]

Get Him Back - Rafe Cameron 18+

* HI ITS BEEN A WHILE SINCE IVE WRITTEN ANYTHING BUT IM HERE NOW

* TBH THIS IS MY FIRST TIME WRITING SMUT SO BARE WITH ME

* This is so super long and also completely filthy at parts SO MDNI and pls read warnings

* little bit of fluff? Def some pretty smutty smut. This did not start out as smut but here we are

* WRITTEN IN Y/N’s POV, lots of dialogue

*anything in italics is your inner monologue

Word count: 4K

WARNINGS: MDNI!, mentions of cheating (not rafe), toxic ex,  oral (giving and receiving), fingering, rough-ish??, p in v sex, hair pulling, light choking??, not rated e for everyone

The rain is pouring down in sheets. Falling harder than it has in a while. My head is pounding from holding back tears, that I might as well let out. I never thought that I would be in this situation. Forced out of my boyfriend's car after a fight at nearly one in the morning, with a dead phone, left to walk home alone in the pouring rain. How cliche. Not to mention the fact that I’m just over three miles away from home. What a dick. Some “man” he is to leave me like that. For all he cares, I could be kidnapped out here. However, it's highly unlikely being that I’m wandering in one of (if not the nicest) neighborhoods in this entire state. Constantly guarded by a neighborhood watch, with gated community after gated community.

 I can see the the sharp rain plummeting down in the glow of the street lights. Unlucky for me, the wind has picked up too making this walk even more miserable. At this point, I have two options; 1. I could continue to walk home in this miserable weather OR 2. I could lose all dignity and show up to Sarah’s house after not talking to her in months. Seeing as this storm is showing absolutely no sign of stopping, its looking like the second option is better. As I turn the corner, I approach the Seabrook Gated Community. A little ways down is the fence that Sarah and I used to hop all the time when we would sneak out. That’s my in. It’s an old rusty fence that is hidden behind some overgrown hedges behind some wildly overpriced house that rarely ever has anyone living in it.         

After nearly slipping off of the slippery fence, I make my way down the street to Tanny Hill. Mentally preparing myself for the absolute humiliation that will occur if Sarah opens the front door. We had our falling out about 3 months ago and we haven't spoken since. We have tried our best to avoid each other at all costs. At least I’ve tried avoiding her, that is, until this very moment. 

As I approach the front lawn, I genuinely consider turning around and quite literally braving the storm and walking home. As it is, I’m already soaked from head to toe and probably on the verge of pneumonia. However, I shake off my thoughts and walk towards the front door. I knock three times in hope that someone will hear. I don’t ring the doorbell out of fear of waking up the entire Cameron household which is the last thing I need to do. After a few seconds, nobody answers. This house is huge maybe they are coming. I convince myself that nobody is answering the door so I turn accepting my fate and I walk away. Suddenly, I hear the front door unlock and my breath gets caught in my throat when I hear his voice. 

“Y/N? Is that you?” Fuck. Me.

“Hey Rafe.” I choke out. God I probably look insane.

“What are you doing here?” he looks at his phone “at 1:26 in the morning.”

“Um. Is Sarah home?” I spit out, trying to avoid conversation.

“She’s not…but I am.” He leans against the door frame looking me up and down in a ‘you good?’ way. “You also didn’t answer my question.” He adds.

“I uh…I didn’t know where else to go.” I say quietly. I was right. This is in fact humiliating. He just stands there and stares at me. Clearly unamused at the fact that I still haven't answered his question as to why I am standing on his front porch looking like a wet dog. I would stare too. “Are you gonna let me inside? Or are you just gonna keep staring at me in silence.” I add.

“That depends.” He says lookin back into the house then back at me. “Are you gonna tell me why you’re here? Or are you just gonna avoid the question.” Touche. We stand here in silence for a moment as he watches me get pelted in the face by the rain and I chatter my teeth. He finally pushes the door open further and gestures for me to come inside. Thank go Sarah isn’t home because I would be shitting myself out of embarrassment right now. I walk in and Rafe opens a hallway in the closet as he reaches in and grabs a towel that he throws at me. “If You get anything wet, Rose will lose her shit.” 

“How kind.” I say with strong notes of sarcasm.

“Hey I didn’t have to let you in. I could've just left you outside on your own.” he’s right.

“Well you wouldn’t be the first guy to leave me outside tonight, so I probably would’ve been fine” I blurt out without thinking. What happened to me tonight is none of his business. Plus I’m sure he will hear about it anyway. However, he did let me inside which he did not have to do, so I could at least pretend to be grateful. 

“Damn. That's rough. Sorry about that.” he almost sounded embarrassed.

“No, it's fine. Thanks for the towel.” he nods and sits down at the kitchen counter. We stand in silence for a bit as I ring my hair out into the sink. This couldn’t be more awkward. Here I am standing in my ex best friend’s house with her older brother, who was in fact my first kiss in a game of truth or dare years ago, and who happens to be the best friend of my boyfriend who just dumped me on the side of the road in the middle of the night. This is just grand. “Do you have a phone charger? My phone is completely dead.” 

“Uh yeah its upstairs. Do you wanna-” he cut himself off before speaking again. “Do you just wanna come up with me so you can change?” Right. So. Apparently this absolutely CAN  feel more awkward. Whatever. I need to charge my phone and honestly a change of clothes sounds devine. I silently follow Rafe up the stairs and into his room. “If you want you can take a shower to warm up. Your teeth haven’t stopped chattering since you got here.” he’s being frighteningly nice. 

“Um sure.” I say hesitantly as I am incredibly confused by his nice attitude. I plug in my phone and Rafe hands me one of his old t-shirts and a pair of booty shorts that were surely left here by some random girl, but honestly I don’t care. I have to get out of these clothes. “Thanks.” I say taking the clothes and entering his bathroom, closing and locking the door quickly behind me. Literally what the fuck. There is no way this is really happening. 

I take my time in the shower as I let the steaming hot water warm me up for a while. When I’m done, I put on the clothes that Rafe gave me, and open the bathroom door seeing him sitting on his bed, scrolling through his phone.

“Hey Topper called you like five times when you were in the shower.” He says unfazed. My attitude shifts almost immediately. 

“You didn’t answer it did you?” I blurt out. Nice job y/n! That wasn’t suspicious at all!

“No…why would I?” he laughs clearly confused as I let out a sigh  of relief. Once again. Awkward silence. I take a seat on the edge of the bed going through my phone. “Are you gonna call him back?” he asks. Before I could answer him, his phone starts to ring. Toppers name is displayed on the screen. Rafe looks at his phone, then back to me, then back to his phone. 

“I am NOT here. Answer it. Put it on speaker.” I say frantically. Now he's intrigued.

“Hey Top!” Rafe answers. “Rafe! I fucked up man. I fucked up BAD! I’m coming over. I need a drink asap.” I am immediately shaking my head and mouthing ‘no’. “Top I can’t tonight man. My dad is on my ass and if Rose finds out I have someone over, I’m dead bro.” Is he seriously helping me right now? 

Topper scoffs on the other line. “Since when have you given a shit about what Rose thinks? I’m already on my way!” 

“Then turn around and go home man. I can’t tonight.”

“What is up with you dude? You never turn down a drink” its silent for a minute “Oh shit do you have a chick over right now?” Im disgusted at the change in tone in Top’s voice when he  brings up Rafe having a girl over.

“Yeah bro I do. And she’s alone right now in my bed so I gotta go. I'll call you tomorrow.” Rafe responds, very quick to go along with Topper’s question.

“That’s my man!” Topper laughs “is she hot? She better be hot!”

Even Rafe rolls his eyes at Topper’s comment. “Yeah she’s hot. Okay gotta go man.” Rafe responds as he hangs up the phone. Is that true, does he think I’m hot? I don’t care. Do I?

I let out a huge sigh of relief that we dodged the bullet of Top showing up here. 

“So. Are you gonna tell me why I just had to lie to my best friend?”

I shift nervously. “Well technically you didn’t lie. There is a ‘chick’ here and she is sitting on your bed.” I try to make a joke avoiding this conversation at all costs. 

“Y/n.” He says, raising his eyebrows. He clearly wants an answer. 

“I broke up with Top and he didn’t take it well.” I say on an exhale. He doesn’t say anything because he’s not stupid. He has probably figured out that much already. I let out a heavy sigh. “He kicked me out of his car in the middle of the road three miles away from my house in the fucking rain because I accused him of cheating on me. He told me that I had no idea what I was talking about. He said I was crazy, and that I was making shit up. But I’m not. I know for a fact that I’m not. It’s not the first time either. He’s done it before, which I’m sure you already know since you’re his best friend and he probably tells you everything.” I make that realization as I’m rambling my story out to him. Rafe is probably well aware of Topper’s lack of loyalty. 

“I uh. I knew about it the first time.” He admits. His honestly with the situation makes me laugh a little as I roll my eyes.

“Of course you did. Being that it was with your sister. I’d be shocked if you didn’t know.” The look on Rafe’s face instantly changes. It’s almost like he’s holding something back. “Unless…Sarah wasn’t the first girl was she. There was someone else.” Tears that I have been pushing back for weeks start to well in my eyes. Not because I’m sad, but because I’m furious. Even Rafe doesn’t know what to say. Without thinking, I grab my wet clothes and my barely charged phone, and head towards his bedroom door. “I should go. Thanks for the shower and-” 

“Y/n don’t be ridiculous” he says quickly following me. “You can’t leave right now that storm is getting worse” He puts his hand on the door, shutting it. 

I turn and he is standing close enough to me to create an odd sort of tension. 

“Why don’t you get him back?” Rafe suggests as I roll my eyes.

“I don’t want to get back with him Rafe I’m so ov-” he cuts me off.

“That’s not what I’m saying. I mean get him back. As in revenge.” he says as he steps closer to me. Jesus Christ I’m an absolute idiot.

“Revenge…right.” I laugh awkwardly. He continues to inch closer, creating an even bigger amount of tension. Not that tension is an unfamiliar thing with Rafe and I. There has always been a weird tension between us. Ya know…the whole best friends brother thing. I’ve known Rafe for almost 10 years. Something about his cocky attitude has always been attractive to me. Call it toxic. I don’t care. It’s just the truth. Rafe and I are standing right infront of each other. He is towering over me as my back is still to the door. 

“You know…They say that one of the best ways to get over a guy is to get under another.” He almost whispers while moving my hair out of my face. I can’t help but blush. The thought of getting back at Topper crossed my mind the second he cheated on me. The thought of getting back at him by hooking up with his best friend? That’s even better. Rafe leans down and starts to kiss my neck. “Rafe we probably shouldn’t do this” I whisper clearly enjoying it.

“Of course we shouldn’t. But I do shit that I shouldn’t do all the time.” He stops kissing my neck to look me in the face.

“Me too” I nod letting out a breath as I crash my lips onto his. The kiss is instantly filled with an insane amount of intensity. Rafe backs me up against the wall as he deepens the kiss. He moves from my mouth to my neck, leaving hickeys all over. He is making sure that I can’t hide what we are doing. And I’m totally here for it. His hands move from my hair, to my hips, to underneath the hem of my shirt. Well. Technically his shirt. I’m braless since my bra got soaked in that rain earlier. He quickly realizes this as his hand grazes over my tits. He starts to grip them while kissing me, making me moan softly until he stops for a second. 

“As hot as you look in my shirt…it’s coming off” he nearly growls. I lift my arms as he lifts the shirt over my head and throws it across the room. I reach for his shirt to take it off. Once he takes it off his mouth is back on mine. Our foreheads are pressed together as our bare chests are rising and falling against each other. He hoists me up, grabbing my ass as I throw my arms around his neck and my legs around his waist. We don’t last long against the wall before we move to the bed.

He lays me down on the edge of the bed as he hovers over me kissing me yet again. Each kiss gets more aggressive. We bite each other's lips between kisses. He moves his mouth from my lips to my neck leaving more marks. Slowly, he makes his way to my chests. The marks he makes get darker and darker. He puts his mouth over my nipple, making me moan as he slightly bites down. He quickly moves his hand up to cover my mouth.

“Shhh. Baby we gotta stay quiet.” He says as he moves from one nipple to the other. I moan into his hand as he stifles the sound that comes out. His hand moves from my mouth to my throat as he wraps his hand around it lightly. His lips meet mine again. “You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do this.” holy shit. I moan into our kiss as his hand is on my throat. His hand travels down my body until its hovering over my shorts. He’s moving his hand from one thigh to the other. Barely grazing the spot where I need him the most. I breathe into our kiss as his hand stops at the waistband of my shorts. He’s such a fucking tease. He hovers his hand there for a minute sensing that I want more. 

“Oh my God Rafe” I moan out of anticipation.

“You want more baby?” he smirks against my lips.

“You know I do” Smartass.

“Say less” he moves from his position above me, to kneeling on the floor at the edge of the bed. He hooks his fingers around the waistband of my shorts, pulling them down, revealing my bare pussy. He pulls me closer to the edge of the bed and spreads my legs in one swift motion, causing my breath to hitch. He leans down and attaches his mouth to my clit. This of course causes another accidental moan to slip from my mouth. I immediately throw my own hands over my mouth to quiet the noise. His tongue is swirling circles over my clit as he inserts two fingers without warning. As hard as I am trying to stifle my sounds, nothing could stop the groan that I let out at this moment. He moves his fingers at a faster pace that matches what his tongue is doing. 

“Holy Shit Rafe.” I whine.

“You like that?” he smirks up at me. I nod and roll my eyes to the back of my head before shutting them tightly. But suddenly Rafe stops. “Open your eyes y/n. I want you to look at me when you cum. I want you to see who is making you feel this good.” I do as he says and open my eyes as I prop myself up on my elbows to get a better view. “Atta girl” He smirks before burying his face into me yet again. He adds a third finger as I throw my head back while remaining eye contact. He curls his fingers as he eats me out and I want to scream at the pressure building up inside of me. I reach forward and tangle my fingers through his hair as he grins up towards me. 

“Rafe! Oh my God” I let out a string of other soft noises and words.

“Go ahead baby. Cum for me,” I look Rafe in the eyes as I jerk my hips and arch my back, completely unraveling in front of him. As he removes his fingers from inside of me, he brings them up to my mouth. “I want you to see how good you taste.” he says as I take his fingers into my mouth until they are clean. He removes his fingers from my mouth and laces his hands through my hair as he devours me with a kiss. 

“That was incredible.” I breathe heavily.

“Oh we aren’t done yet princess.” the sound of him calling me princess was enough to nearly send me over the edge again. 

“I’d hope not” I tangle my tongue with his as he deepens the kiss by pulling my hair back. I reach for his pants and I undo his belt. 

“Eager are we?” he scoffs, pulling away for a moment. He removes his belt and  his pants. Leaving his boxers for me to remove. I gesture for him to sit on the edge of the bed where I just was. When he sits, I climb onto his lap, straddling him over his boxers. I can tease too. I lean in kissing him as I slowly start to rock back and forth on his lap. I can feel him getting harder by the second. To be honest this is doing just as much for me as it is for him. I start to kiss his neck, leaving marks similar to the ones he left on me. I start to rock faster back and forth until he is letting out moans the way I was. I cover his mouth.

“I thought we had to stay quiet.” I give him a sly smile before kneeling on the floor and removing his boxers. I come face to face with his cock as I run my tongue up the side, looking up at him while I do it. I move my tongue to the other side slowly, taking my sweet time. 

“Fuck y/n” Rafe groans as he places his hand in my hair. 

I wrap my mouth around the head of his cock and start to suck slowly, using my hands to work the rest that I can’t fit in my mouth. I bob my head up and down while I look up at him, my eyes are starting to water. He grabs my head and slightly pushes me down further, and I can feel his tip hit my throat. When it does Rafe lets out a deep moan with a mumbled string of “oh fucks”. After a few minutes, I can sense that he is going to cum. I don’t bother asking where he wants to finish before he finishes in my mouth. I swallow and look up at him with a smile.

“Holy shit. You really know what you’re doing.” He lets out a heavy content sigh. “We still aren't done yet. I need to be inside you.” He says laying me back down on the bed. I still cannot believe that this is happening. 

Rafe wastes no time climbing on top of me leaving sloppy kisses up my chest and meeting my mouth with his. “You sure about this?” He looks down at me.

“Never been more sure about anything.” I nod. 

“Good” He says as he grabs a condom from his nightstand and puts it on. Seconds later, he is lining himself up at my entrance. His tongue plunges into my mouth as he enters inside of me. His cock stretched my pussy perfectly. He moves with smooth motions leaving us both moaning into each other's mouths as he starts to pick up the pace of his thrusts. He brings his hand to my throat once again,barely applying pressure, making me let out a moan that was too loud to be stifled. He doesn’t seem to care. 

“You like when my hands are around your neck?” He whispers in my ear.

“Yes! Oh my god yes” I am starting to get louder. He moves his hand from my throat to my mouth to keep me quiet again. I moan into his hand as his thrusts hit the perfect spot inside of me. He can tell that he has hit the spot when my hips start to buck in perfect rhythm with his thrusts. I am almost screaming into his hand. As he leans down to kiss me again. 

“You gonna cum with me?” he asks, pressing his forehead against mine. I nod unable to speak, to stop myself from screaming. “Words y/n. Use your words” 

“Fuck yes. I’m gonna cum!” I whine out. He thrusts in and out a few more times, hitting the spot perfectly making me squirm underneath him. With one final thrust, I arch my back as I scratch my nails down his, definitely leaving scratch marks. We cum simultaneously as we let out deep and hungry moans into each other's mouths. He just gave me the best orgasm I have ever had. He pulled out and laid next to me.

“Holy shit. I’ve waited so long to do that.” he says looking at me out of breath.

“Me too. I always had a crush on you ya know.” I say looking at him equally as out of breath.

“Yeah I know.” He smiles and lets out a soft chuckle.

“Took you long enough to do something about it.” I laugh back.

“Thank God I did. And I plan on doing it again. Just so you know.” I winked at me 

“I’d hope so.” I smile, laying there next to him. He was right. That was the best way to get over someone. 

** hi! I really hope you liked this. If you did and want to see more let me know what you want to see! I had fun writing this and in my many many years of writing fanfics this is somehow my first time writing smut so I hope it was okay lol ❤️

[olderthannetfic]

Since you've mentioned that you use Scrivener as a word processing software, I have a bit of a weird-ish question. I have looked at the programme and it seems incredibly useful, and then I looked at the pricetag and- gulp.

I currently use Word which costs 5 euros per year thanks to university, but am thinking about switching to another programme that isn't related to my uni as I feel too paranoid about my smutty fanfic ideas being looked at by my uni and them disapproving of my writing. XD (Word keeps marking "fuck" with a squiggly line and suggesting I choose another word to avoid offending my readers, but if canon doesn't give Barclay some holographic MMF action taking place during "A Fistful of Datas" and turning both his holographic partners into holographic Data and therefore inducing maximum tension and insecurity due to feelings in poor sandwiched Barclay whenever he meets actual Data after that, I will have to write it myself! :P )

According to the website where one can buy a Scrivener license, one pays for the current version of it and will have to buy later versions anew if I haven't misunderstood. You seem to have used it for quite a while, and I haven't managed to find out when the different versions came out. I know the current one is 3, but I am unsure how much time passed between 1 and 2 and 2 and 3, and am unsure whether it's a good idea to buy a license now or whether it would be wiser to wait if it's likely that another version might be released in the near future (that is within one year for example) because then I might wait a little while with my purchase, heh. It probably sounds quite stingy but I am solely getting it for my tiny and too seldom indulged hobby of writing fanfic, and currently have to kinda sorta pay more attention to my wallet and where its contents go, so to say, which is why I'm hesitant.

The question basically is: As a (probable?) long-time user, do you think it's likely a new version of Scrivener will be released within the next year or so or do you think it's likely the current version will be tha latest to purchase for a longer while than 1-2 years?

I hope this rambly mess makes sense, haven't really slept for quite some time, so I am sorry if this is terribly incomprehensible. Sorry for the weird stingy question. Have a nice day and I hope you have slept and will sleep better than I currently do, heh!

--

I've only used it for like three years.

A quick google suggests that Scrivener 2 was released in 2010. 3 was released in 2017 basically to keep up with OS changes.

(IDK what you searched, but this isn't hard to find, dude.)

Scrivener is a fairly... old-fashioned style of software, I guess I'd call it. Some dude wrote himself a program to write his own novel and then people liked it. Some other guy decided to port it to Windows.

They update approximately never. When they do, recent buyers of the old one upgrade for free and everybody else gets like half off. The trial period is 30 days of actual use. The current retail license for 3 is only like sixty bucks. It's a commercial product, but... not like you've been trained to expect by your average modern software that wants to nickle and dime you at every turn.

Do you need Scrivener? Well, no. Not unless you want customizable high-level ebook output formatting and fancy features like that. You could just use some other free option if you just want to type stories in something that isn't Word. But Scrivener is priced extremely low for what it is.

[veliseraptor]

April Reading Recap

Stars of Chaos vol. 2 by Priest. I'm not quite grabbed by this one yet. I'm not not enjoying it, but the main relationship doesn't quite have me compelled, and the politics aren't quite sharp enough to get me either. I'm not totally sure I'll keep buying the published volumes, at least not at this time, and just read the rest online to see how I end up feeling about it as a whole before making the financial commitment.

Medea by Eilish Quin. Listen, I'm a Medea apologist, but I'm a Medea apologist who is very much of the "she absolutely did all the awful things she's accused of and she is valid" and the author here is going "she did all the awful things she's accused of but it's not as bad as you thought it was because she didn't mean it!" and I'm just. I'm not mad, just disappointed (again). I was so hoping for a book that would do something interesting with a Medea retelling but I probably should've known better than to think it'd be this one. Why, you may ask, do I keep reading myth retellings about my problematic faves when all I do is complain about them? Hope springs eternal, I guess.

She Who Became the Sun and He Who Drowned the World by Shelley Parker-Chan. Exceptional. Might be my favorite books I read in April. I'd already read She Who Became the Sun back when it was first published and knew I'd enjoyed it (was rereading to refresh my memory for the sequel), but I felt like I enjoyed it more the second time around, and I might've liked He Who Drowned the World even more than its predecessor. If you're looking for works of just-barely fantasy with delightfully fucked up queer characters, come get 'em here. I won't say most of them are happy (they're not) or that things end well (they don't), but boy is it good reading.

The Death of Jane Lawrence by Caitlin Starling. Decent horror but not particularly outstanding, in my opinion. I liked The Luminous Dead more.

Untethered Sky by Fonda Lee. I continue to struggle with novellas. This was a perfectly good novella but it felt like it could've been a stronger short story, which I guess is better than the other way I usually come out of novellas, which is "this was a fine novella but it should've been a novel."

The Mountain in the Sea by Ray Nayler. I really liked this. It has more of a thriller-ish edge than I expected, but for all that I think it's a thoughtful book with some interesting things to say, and I feel like it's one I want more people to read so I can talk to them about it. It's set in a sort-of spooky, near-future dystopia, but a lot of it is about, like, the nature of thought and consciousness. Anyway, I found myself compelled.

Islands of Abandonment: Nation Rebounding in the Post-Human Landscape by Cal Flyn. I found myself reading this thinking a lot about The World Without Us, a book I read many years ago and would kind of like to reread, and which I think I liked more than this (at least in my memory). I was hoping for more analysis than I got from this book, which was beautifully written but more nature/travel writing than science. One thing I did appreciate was the attention paid to the human cost of the "abandoned" places examined in this book - the pain that abandonment often signifies, and the trauma it indicates, in spite of the beauty that may come after.

Emperor of Rome: Ruling the Ancient Roman World by Mary Beard. I really liked the way that Beard chose to do this one - namely, taking it by theme rather than by emperor, and breaking down different areas of the emperor's life over time rather than trying to tell a linear narrative. It also let her do some of the better "skeptical" reading of sources that I've read in a popular book on ancient history, where she was actually digging into the "rather than what this says about what this person may or may not have actually done, what does it say about expectations, beliefs, and tropes that people had" kind of reading. And after some of the other popular histories of Rome I've read, thank god for that.

Metamorphoses by Ovid, trans. Stephanie McCarter. Continuing on with my "reading new translations (by women!) of classical epics" run (started with The Odyssey, The Iliad is on my list). It was fun to reread Ovid! As usual one of my favorite parts of this was reading the translator's note and introduction, and I wanted about 500% more of that through the text (tell me about the assonance you're preserving in the Latin!) but did get some of (thanks for the information on the penis/pubic hair puns!). Overall would recommend as a good translation of Ovid that very much does not flinch away from - and makes/keeps appropriately uncomfortable - the sexual assault.

Dark Rise by C.S. Pacat. Slightly more YA than I usually like, but I enjoyed it! I was a little :\ about it for a while, very much feeling the YA cliches of it all, but the late hour twist got me interested again, and I will be picking up the sequel. Did miss the full balls-to-the-wall iddy joy of Captive Prince, though, since I probably wouldn't have picked this book up without the author recognition.

Subversive Sequels in the Bible: How Biblical Stories Mine and Undermine Each Other by Judy Klitsner. I really liked this one, particularly for its commentary comparing and contrasting Eve, and the other women of Genesis, with later Biblical narratives. I don't know how much I buy all of her arguments when it comes to intentionality of all of the comparisons she's drawing, but it certainly makes interesting food for thought, and a good sampler for me of what literary-based Biblical scholarship can look like (and an indication that I'm interested in trying more of it).

Use of Weapons by Iain M. Banks. I read most of my way through this book continuing to really appreciate what Banks does with the Culture novels and planning to continue on reading the next one, but not enjoying this specific one as much as I did The Player of Games in particular, and then I got to the very end of it and went "hang on what the fuck???" but in a decidedly good way. And I'm still kind of thinking about That even though it's been a while, which I think is a positive. Anyway, I don't think I'd recommend this as a starting place for anyone to read the Culture novels, or as a must read, but it was on the upper end of a three star rating.

Juniper & Thorn by Ava Reid. I wanted this to be more gothic horror and less romance and it ended up being more romance and less gothic horror, was my feeling. Not necessarily the book's fault, but if anyone else is eyeing it wondering...now you know.

A Deadly Education by Naomi Novik. I really enjoyed this one! I was kind of skeptical going in - I'm not a big magic school person, as a rule, and the more I feel like something is hyped to me the more I tend to drag my heels about it - but Naomi Novik is really good at what she does and she clearly had a lot of fun here. It's tropey for sure, but I enjoy the narrative voice (very important, in a first person narration), and the action moves along with what I felt was pretty good momentum. The other thing I was worried about - that it'd feel too much like this was just ~commentary on/against Harry Potter~ without saying anything for itself - didn't materialize for me. I'm looking forward to reading the next ones.

The Monster Theory Reader ed. by Jeffrey Andrew Weinstock. I'm so rusty on my academic/theory reading and I felt it reading this collection, some of which was definitely better than others. Kristeva's essay on abjection was particularly rough as far as "I'm reading words and I know all the words but something about the order they're going in is just not making sense to me." Overall...it was a decent primer? There were a few very interesting essays in there; my favorite might've been the one on tanuki in modernizing Japan's folklore, but there were a couple on "monstrous" bodies that made me wish I had someone to discuss them with. That's probably my main problem reading academic works these days: I want a seminar to dissect them afterwards and I just don't have that.

The Sabbath: Its Meaning for Modern Man by Abraham Joshua Heschel. I'm trying to read something Jewish on Shabbat now and finally getting around to reading some Heschel after years of meaning to. I thought "oh, I'll start easy with something nice and short" - yeah, no, Heschel's got a very particular style of writing and there's a lot of theological depth packed into a very short volume. I'm looking forward to reading The Prophets, though.

The Husky and His White Cat Shizun vol. 5 by Rou Bao Bu Chi Rou. I think we're juuuuust about caught up now with the official translation to where I started reading the machine translation, so I'm very excited for (a) things I don't remember as well (b) reading it not in machine translation. Also looking forward to everything about what happened with Nangong Liu and Nangong Xu making more sense this time around, on account of not reading it machine translated, because I didn't follow it so well on my first read and I feel like I'm already doing better. (Though that could also be because it's a reread, no matter how different an experience of one.) Still feel real bad for Ye Wangxi, on so many levels. Mark that one down for 'characters I'd love to know more about what they're thinking.'

The Water Outlaws by S.L. Huang. I really enjoyed S.L. Huang's other work with the Cas Russell series, and I liked this book a little less than those. It felt like an almost winner, for me. Certainly I read through it quickly enough, and I can say I enjoyed it, but I'm not sure I'd give it an enthusiastic recommendation. It falls somewhere in the middle between "a fun action/adventure story" and "something I can sink my teeth into" in a way that didn't quite satisfy either itch. Still, it did make me curious about the source material, which is one of the Chinese classics (Water Margin) and I might go and find a place to read that, if I can; if I'd had that background going in I wonder if my experience of this work would've been more edifying.

--

I'm currently rereading A Memory Called Empire so I can (finally) read the sequel (A Desolation Called Peace); I also checked out from the library the next two Scholomance books so I'll be reading those. I'm going to try to throw some nonfiction somewhere in there (maybe The Genius of Birds by Jennifer Ackerman, which I also have out from the library, but maybe something else), but I've still got the sequel to The First Sister sitting on my shelf (also from the library).

Outside of that I've got no big reading plans - I'm working my way through some of the unreads on my own shelf (despite what it may look like, about the library books) and eyeing The Doors of Eden by Adrian Tchaikovsky or a reread of Foundryside by Robert Jackson Bennett so I can continue that series.

[xxcherrycherixx]

fuck it, we always talk about the apple hate but we never talk about the blondie hate-

that is my bbgirl my best friend, she's my pal. she's my home boy, my rotten soldier. shes my sweet cheese, my good time boy

and ppl always be bashing her for being "annoying and sticking her nose into shit" like bestie im sorry she's not another copy of literally all the other princesses- like yall want her to be holly? who is like forgettable af but hey shes not "annoying" (sorry holly enjoyers, but i legit forget about her existence so much)

she's such a fun character! her entire shit is be gay do crimes hun, she breaks into houses on the regular and just vibes there, she has like 4 restraining orders against her- she picks locks so good that people regularly just go to her when they need to sneak into places

she looks at girls with this face!

THAT IS HEART EYES MOTHERFUCKER NO ONE ELSE WAS LOOKING AT CUPID LIKE THAT, ONLY THE COUPLES BE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER LIKE THAT THIS BITCH GAY GAY AND THEN THE WAY SHE SNAPS OUT OF IT AND JUST KEEPS STARING FOR A GOOD WHILE LIKE "oh shit well that's something i didn't know about myself-"

queen shit.

she wants to fit in so bad!!! she wants friends!!! she is my sad little meow meow!! she wants to become a reporter probably because her momma would tell her about how she use to work on the school newspaper!! And her momma would be so proud of her if she became a big time reporter!!🥺

she is so desperate to fit in, she's so ashamed that shes not real royalty like all her friends are that she feels she has to lie about it, and in blondie branches out where she tells a slightly more accurate version of her family and apple calls it a just right royal story, she's so happy and she looks so sweet!! she needs some validation babes!!!

she just wants friends!! the way she lies about her lineage is always to try to get the other royals to like her, she thinks she has to be like them for them to want to be her friends!! there's a hierarchy in ever after high that gets more detail in the books, royalty gets treated like celebrities with specialty seating and other perks. blondie is like every child who grew up in a fancy school when your family didn't have much, you see your friends constantly going on about their big house with a pool or the new shoes that cost more than your entire wardrobe and you start to feel alienated from the group. once more she needs some validation!!! help my girlie out!!!!

and the way she breaks into the bears homes, she believes they're her friends. so to her its fine to come over and ask momma if she has anything to eat, and the bears themselves don't really tell her to her face that shes not welcome. it seems baby bears outburst is the first time the bears have openly reacted negatively to her presence and blondie just thinks it was something to do with the other girls.

onto our big boy: BLONDIE IS SO FUCKING DISABLED CODED.

she cant understand social cues and is a perfectionist, her special interest is her show, she is picky when it comes to food preferring her safe food of porridge. this girl is a dead ringer for a bitch on the spectrum (this is coming from a bitch on many specrtrums including the autistic one) the thing is what i hate most is that when people hate on blondie, they're hating her for her neurodivergent traits. they might not realize it but that's completely what it is. "she's nosy and rude" she doesn't understand that what she is doing is rude, she cant tell when she crosses a line, i have done shit like that so many times like saying things i see as true and upsetting the other person and not realizing why.

she also has very strong signs of adhd with how much and how fast she talks and her lack of focus as shown in just sweet, just sweet shows these traits so perfectly, it was the episode that truly made it clear that this girl isn't neurotypical at all. i feel people call her annoying because of this, she talks so much and pair that with her autistic traits and she becomes unlikable for so many, but she's such a sweet girl underneath, there's a reason people still willingly hang out with her and that's because despite the fact she has these traits that come off as negative. she's still a kind girl happy to help her friends, she refuses to out ashlynns and hunters relationship because she can recognize that would be mean to her friends, she accepts helping raven out despite the fact her and the rebel haven't always been on the best terms, she invites poppy to the blue moon forest fest and is implied to help holly with picking locked doors enough for holly to consider her a close friend.

blondie is not your typical perfect character like so many of the cast is, but that's a good thing because if she was then she would just be another background character to forget about. she has her own personality and she has her own interests, she is one of the most neurodivergent coded characters in the series.

did i mention this girl has to be a woman enjoyer? because i swear she has to be- at some point she has to realize that maybe her extreme pickiness when it comes to boys is less about that individual not being just right but instead boys as a whole not being just right for her. do i need to show the heart eyes picture again?

[libertarian-druid-in-greater-vt]

So it turns out there's quite a few dead malls out in the Midwest. I'm thinking if I could get roughly $2.5 million, I could buy out a mall, then convert it to serve its original purpose with affordable housing with absolute minimal government involvement. I get my agreed upon rent (tbd based on location, likely half the median) and pay back my investors in full plus a 25% additional ROI to get full rights to the land adjusted for inflation. And with most malls having fuckhuge lots, maybe make part of it just for more private tiny homes with included solar arrays and maintenance in exchange for a higher rate. Single folks and childless couples would have enough space to live comfortably, and I'd end up making enough to maintain the building, plus there'd still be a food court, which would save residents money on delivery, as well as provide additional rent made affordable for businesses just starting up with decent products.

Basically a covenant community with no restrictions on anything but fucking with other people's property and the law imposed by the state if you're caught doing something you "shouldn't" be. And ofc I'd live there myself to ensure it's maintenance and that nobody breaks the rules in their lease.

Housing gets a little cheaper and I make a little profit after maintenance and upkeep. It's an actual win win. The only people that might lose are the landlords that refuse to lower their own rent, but that's their business and not mine.

Hell, maybe someday I could get permits to expand the mall and create more low cost housing, the new units would need a slightly higher price to make up the cost, but it's far from impossible to do so long as it's stable income.

And I'm putting this out there in a tumblr post in case anyone has got someone that would invest in this sort of project that wants to make a big difference in a community and a little extra cash.

[sgiandubh]

One article and the fandom is on fire again.

The journalist says what he owns the House, not him.

How we like drama lol

Dear House Anon,

Here we go again. The Firebrand Firefighter Syndrome in all its splendor.

I use Mastercard myself, so I am sorry to be just a regular person with no fucking AMEX Platinum access (by the way, try to use AMEX in Athens or even Naples and I guarantee you a pain in the ass). I will also not include *urv's braggadocio screencap from Source, but you can park your drone in there and read the following (bold lettering is mine and very much on purpose):

'While he is still based in Scotland, Heughan also has a house in LA, a city he is not exactly sold on. He toys with the idea of New York as his next home base. He loves it here.'

Ok. May I ask you where is the drama, here?

It is very clear, Anon. At the moment, his home is in Scotland. He also invested in a house in LA he probably rents out for a handsome passive income, because he doesn't exactly like the city. And you should know that very well, if you read Waypoints:

(SRH, Waypoints, Day 4 - The Hard Road)

The tidbit we, the plebs, had access to, goes on:

'We got a helicopter the other day back from the Hamptons - I don't like helicopters. They're not meant to fly. However, seeing the Statue of Liberty from there, it's so good. New York could be my city."

I have two more things to add:

Could. An English modal verb. It doesn't set anything in stone. It denotes both a preference (I am with you on that one, S - the US East Coast, unlike California, could be home: it will never be, but that is another story) or a loose possibility (if my US projects are promising or exciting enough, I might make NY my home base).

Never forget about the targeted audience. Departures is not exactly The Good Housekeeping. It is a company magazine for well-heeled people who can afford the costs of a Platinum AMEX credit card (and have a matching credit history). Exactly the type of clients that he would like to attract for his alcohol business, especially after the KOTQ America recent gala. I was, therefore, correct in my assumptions. What do you want S to tell these people? That he is a sensitive soul who bags munros while whistling It's a Long Road to Tipperary?

Oh, come on. Sometimes, this fandom really deserves to be lied to, as *urv does when she still has the nerve to claim sources she knew nothing about 24 hours ago. Trust me on this one: she would have boasted loudly and boldly about it, day and night.

Does that answer your question, Anon?

[pookieismissing09]

ok guys i never post on here but heres my take on the sturniolo space camp situation if anyone gives a fuck

SORRY THIS IS SO LONG I DONT EXPECT ANYONE TO READ EVERYTHING NO ONE WILL PROB SEE THIS ANYWAY 💀 ill prob delete this icl its just a lil rant 🥰🥰

and if u disagree with me idc im just expressing my opinions 😭 read the whole thing so i can justify myself before u start attacking me

before i say anything im not just sticking up for nick just because im a fan of the triplets. like some people are only sticking up for him because they hate to admit that he would ever lie or do anything wrong- and they’re defending him with no reasoning other than “he would never 🥺” like stfu. what im saying is that i don’t know for sure whether the ‘bee better’ guy is telling the truth, for all i know he might be chatting utter shit. but if he is telling the truth, then im saying that i understand nick lied but its not necessarily a negative thing.

so like first of all i dont see the issue with nick not being the founder of the brand. like yes i understand its ‘morally wrong’ to lie and its misinformation but i think we will live… it doesnt make any difference to the products or the people who buy them. like ik people say that they only bought it to support nick and they wouldn’t have bought it if they knew it was just some random brand, but its not just some ‘random brand’- they are still supporting nick cos he gets payed for advocating it. by purchasing the products, theyre keeping the brand afloat which means nick will get payed for being the ‘face of the brand’ and doing a good job at advertising. or in simple terms, even if nick isnt the founder of the entire brand he is still a huge part of the company and is definetly getting a fat bag from all of this. like yall are acting like you wouldnt lie if a company said they would pay you to do so- bffr we would all do what nick did.

and the other main thing is everyone is complaining about the price all of a sudden. like if you are all protesting about how nick has nothing to do with the origin of the brand then surely he also wouldn’t be able to control the price? so according to everyone saying the lip balms are not his idea, don’t be mad at nick for the ridiculous pricing if he apparently ‘had nothing to do with it in the first place‘. and aside from that, the pricing literally had nothing to do with the fact that he lied about being the founder- it would probably cost the same either way so why are people only getting worked up about the pricing now that he is being ‘exposed’? like honestly people are just looking for excuses to say he’s a bad person like what 😭

and ik this doesnt have anything to do with spacecamp, but in general these days everyone is saying how the triplets don’t put any effort into their content anymore and only do it for the money. i think you are forgetting that youtube is their full time paying job. doing youtube as a hobby and doing it as a career are completely different- and most people find that when they pursue their hobbies as a career choice they start to enjoy it less since they feel under pressure to perform a certain way (and don’t come at me for saying that because im “babying” the triplets, piss off).

put it this way, people that have high paying jobs that sit in an office all day don’t do that type of work for their enjoyment- they only work in that environment because they want to receive a larger income instead of having an enjoyable job with a poor wage. this is exactly the same as the triplets’ situation, i doubt very much that they actually do youtube for their personal enjoyment. at the end of the day they have to pay the bills and youtube is their only job- its not always going to be fun like it used to be (both for them and for us watching).

and for all of you thinking ‘well they shouldnt be youtubers if they cant entertain people’ you have to understand that getting a different job takes time. like the whole process of finding a career, interviewing etc. and as well as that, they are probably terrified to even consider looking for another career because of their batshit crazy fans (including me 💀). like can we just cut them some slack and let them get on with their job 😭. and at the end of the day they cant just stop being youtubers, they will never be able to live their lives as regular people now that they have created their platform- i doubt they will ever do anything else bc of the fear of being recognised in public whilst they are doing a more “normal” job.

and for the love of god this is NOT me saying that the triplets are gonna quit youtube. like i said, its their full time job. im just giving my opinion on people saying they are only doing it for the money- and quite honestly they are, but is that really such a bad thing? like im sorry but they aren’t just posting for our entertainment, they need money one way or another.

also is anyone else excited for the stream later like i hope nick will say something about all this and not just stay quiet until it all blows over

i think thats all i was gonna say i cant remember but if theres more then i will say 😘😘😘 sorry i waffle alot

[watermelonsloth]

Itachi and the Uchiha Massacre

This might be one of the most controversial posts I’ll ever make.

I find myself very undecided about how I feel about Itachi’s role in the Uchiha massacre. It fills me with the same moral indecision and disgust of the trauma olympics (aka the comparing of “who had it worse”). Every time I try to come to a consensus, I immediately doubt my conclusion and question whether I’m giving Itachi too much of the benefit of the doubt or I’m not taking his circumstances into account enough. It’s like asking if him being a child outweighs him killing children. And that makes me uncomfortable.

On the one hand, he did something very very very bad. He killed an entire clan of people, including who knows how many innocent civilians and children. He then proceeded to psychologically torture his seven year old brother with the memories of him doing so. Prior to being met with this specific conundrum, I would’ve said without hesitation that this is a black-and-white situation with Itachi being solidly in the wrong. Even if he wasn’t the only perpetrator, he still would deserve much of the blame for being one of the executors of such an abhorrent act.

I cannot stress enough how terrible the massacre would’ve been in practice.

However, and this is where I might lose a few of you, as more information is revealed, one question nags at my entire fucking central nervous system. How much of a choice did Itachi really have?

To understand the full circumstances, first you have to understand that the context falls under two categories: who Itachi is (and his perspective) and what position he was in when he made the decision he did. First, who he is:

Itachi grew up in a militaristic village that normalizes violence, especially violence being used to solve problems.

This village has also normalized putting the village’s survival over oneself and one’s friends/family.

He was alive to see the very end of the third shinobi war and the nine tails attack, two events that have solidified his belief that war is the worst thing ever and should be prevented at all costs.

Hiruzen, Danzo, Kakashi, and Shisui encourage his belief that war should be avoided at any and all costs. Three of them are authority figures (see the Milgram experiment for why that’s relevant) and one of them is his first and only best friend.

He is a very introverted and closed off person. He’s so closed off that not even his immediate family can read him. Because of this, his inner circle is very small (meaning he has a very small support network).

He grew up with a strict, authoritarian father and entered the anbu at a young age, meaning he grew up being expected/pressured to obey those in positions of power without asking questions.

He’s an introvert who’s scared of conflict and keeps his head down.

Second, his actual position when he was told to kill his clan (I might be missing some, so feel free to add any others you remember.):

He was thirteen. That is a child in grade 8. That is the age of most genin.

Tensions between his family and village are implied to have been rising for a while and are now at the point that, for whatever reason, negotiation is deemed impossible.

Tensions are so high that if the village doesn’t act soon, the Uchiha’s coup will spark an all out civil war.

The Uchiha clan has little to no chance of winning the conflict and will likely have most (if not all) of its members killed in it. Plus, the conflict would’ve also resulted in many casualties on Konoha’s side as well, including civilians, children, and shinobi who had nothing to do with what was happening.

Tensions between him and his father are extremely high as well with the two of them being implied to regularly argue.

His best friend, possibly only friend, died by jumping off of a cliff in front of him after giving him one of his eyes and left the responsibility of handling the entire situation to him.

He’s being suspected for the murder of said best friend (and was flat out accused of it in front of his younger brother by three adult police officers) and is suspected as being more loyal to the village than to his clan, making him even more of an outcast to his clan.

He's aware that his best friend was attacked and mutilated by Danzo, one of the village leaders and his superior. If he wants any action taken against Danzo, he’ll have to fight a solo, uphill battle against all of the village leaders and risk losing all sway over the Uchiha situation (which would still be a ticking time bomb) in the process.

If he doesn’t want to fight a two sided war or lose what little power he has in the situation, his safest option is to follow orders while pushing for a plan where casualties are minimized.

Did Itachi have other options? Yes, I’m not gonna pretend that genocide was Itachi’s only choice. But a lot of people seem to forget how difficult or flawed a lot of his alternatives would have actually been in practice.

For example, I’ve seen a lot of people throw around the idea of Itachi just grabbing Sasuke and leaving the village. First of all, the massacre still would’ve happened, Itachi and Sasuke just wouldn’t have been there for it. Second, Itachi would’ve had to remove Sasuke from the village without being caught by the village or the Uchiha clan when he was under the scrutiny of both. Itachi is a good shinobi, but I don’t know if he’s that good. Third, how would he even get Sasuke to go along with him? Itachi may not have been close to his clan, but Sasuke loved his clan. Yes, Sasuke also loved Itachi, but it’s a pretty big stretch to say that seven-year-old Sasuke would’ve just gone along with it, especially when he wouldn’t have been able to understand the true scale of the situation. (Itachi would pretty much have to kidnap Sasuke for this plan to work.) Fourth (and similarly), people don’t tend to like uprooting their entire lives to leave the home they grew up in, even in emergency situations or when it’s the objectively better/safer option. Itachi and Sasuke, who were both raised to be “lay down their lives” loyal to their home, would’ve been especially averse to this idea. Fifth, even if they got over all of that and got out of the village, Itachi would have to raise his younger brother alone at thirteen years old while being on the run from a world power with no protection in a world where they’re at risk of being killed or getting the attention of creeps like Orochimaru simply for having kekkei genkai. It’s not like Itachi had outside contacts (beside Obito but Obito would not have helped them even if Itachi trusted him enough to trust Sasuke’s life to him) or there was a benevolent nation to take them in. Even if they managed to one day settle into a peaceful life, it would’ve taken years of fighting to survive before they’d have gotten there. Cool fanfic idea, but making Itachi slightly more innocent isn’t a solution.

The idea that Itachi should’ve just told the Uchiha clan what was going on and got help from them is similarly short sighted. The Uchiha clan were the victims in this situation, but they weren’t perfect angels either. Itachi was not close to, or particularly well liked by, his clan. Save for Shisui (who is theoretically dead in this scenario) and Sasuke, he had no emotional connection to the clan, only vague respect and a waning sense of responsibility towards it. And even if he did go to them, Itachi telling them what was happening would’ve just sparked a civil war, the one thing Itachi was desperate to avoid and the thing that would’ve gotten them all killed.

So…

What was the point of all this?

I’ll admit that I hoped typing out my thoughts would somehow end in me settling on an opinion, but right now I’m still just as undecided and significantly more depressed. Because, like, it’s just a depressing, shitty situation where there were victims and perpetrators and Itachi who just so happened to be both. Maybe trying to ask if Itachi is either “good” or “evil” is asking the wrong question. Maybe the entire discussion about how moral Itachi is as a person or all of the other choices he could’ve made is missing the point.

[heartcereql]

𝘀𝘂𝗺𝗺𝗲𝗿𝘁𝗶𝗺𝗲 𝘀𝗮𝗱𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀

☆neteyam sully x fem!omaticaya!reader

𝐒𝐘𝐍𝐎𝐏𝐒𝐈𝐒-  quaritch was defeated, yes, but it cost neteyam the light of his life.

𝐂𝐖- minor cursing, implied reader's death.

𝐀/𝐍- it's short (like my ex's peepee but oh well), buuuuut i'm working on some longer fics mwah.

dearest y/n,

i know it's pretty stupid to write to you now, especially now, but dad said it might do me good. said he wrote to grace when she left.

i miss you. i miss you so incredibly much. there is not one second i spend without thinking about you. and about how unfair it was. if i had known it would be the last time, i would have kissed you harder. what the fuck am i saying; if i had known it would be the last time i would've taken your place. because you didn't deserve it. nobody does, but especially not you. you were the best, you are the best anyone who knew you has in their lives.

i see you everywhere. i can still make out your figure dancing under the pale moonlight. remember that night? your did your hair up- i think you let tuk help you. you looked so alluring. we were laughing and dancing and just enjoying, you know? feeling alive. feeling electric. see, you had a gift with words. you always knew how to make things sound so melodic. my mind will subconsciously drift to you when i hear a beautiful word.

i know what you would say, yet i can't help but feel guilty. i let you come to the reef with us. if i had been more rational, if i hadn't been so easily convinced, i could've persuaded you to stay. and none of this would've happened. so let me blame myself a bit, yeah? just because i put my feelings first, because i wanted you with me, i lost everything.

and here i though i had it all. i thought nothing scared me anymore. guess you have to lose something to really miss it, as they say. you completed me, y/n. in a way no one else could. so, losing you was losing a part of me. and i know for a fact that i'm not the only one feeling like this. you left your mark on everyone. the whole clan grieves. even the metkayinas, even the ones that barely knew you.

i know you'd want me to move on. hell, i can even hear you. "i'm no longer here, but you are. you go on. you have a life to live to its fullest, doesn't matter if i'm here or not". something along those lines. and though i can't feel nothing but utter love for you, aching to be in your arms again, it enrages me that you could ever think- and would probably think- that i could keep going without you. that my life would eventually brim with colour and light again, that i would find somebody, that i'll be able to bury your memory, to just keep you in a corner of my heart. because that's not possible. it's not and it never will be, y/n.

i'll miss you forever. like the stars miss the sun in the morning sky. sounds like something you would say. and i'll remember you forever. i'll remember you when i glance up at the moon, i'll remember you when i find a flower i'd like to keep forever, i'll remember you when i hear a beautiful melody, i'll remember you everytime someone takes care of me. i'll remember you for the rest of my life. someone once told me that nobody is truly gone if there's someone who remembers them. well, you've got plenty of those.

teach the stars how to shine, my angel.

forever yours,

neteyam.

© heartcereql, 2023 || thank you for reading ! 𓆩 ♱ 𓆪

[bigalockwood]

August and Rousseau

I’ve outed myself as the #resident horse expert (thanks @youngroyalsconfession for the title I’m genuinely elated bc I’ve never gotten my own online moniker lmao) and I think it’s time that I contributed some more unasked for and useless horse knowledge to the YR discussion. This has been sitting in my drafts for ages and since I don’t see myself finding any time to research this further in the next few weeks, I thought I might as well post it before season 3 drops. Plenty of posts have been made about how the August-Rousseau situation could play out, and I don’t want to talk about those theories today, because I have anything to add right now.

As has been pointed out many times, horses are expensive, at least in western, industrialized countries. They used to be a necessity for most people, because they were a mode of transport, used to harvest food etc. This is still true in many parts of the world, but not Western and Northern Europe. There, horses have become a luxury, and are usually notoriously expensive, especially if you can’t keep them on your own grounds and produce your own hay. And even then- vet bills are painful to look at, and there are plenty of other costs, too. So, August most definitely won’t be able to pay for the monthly expenses that come with having a horse, at least not if he gets no financial aid by the court or doesn’t sell some of his assets. And even then, I’m not sure what they would say when they learn that they are financing a horse of all things (especially since August has zero interest in or knowledge of horses). In the following you can find a rough overview of just how expensive owning a horse is. Keep in mind, these numbers are generalized. I’m not from Sweden, but another European country, and even if I were, prices fluctuate a lot depending on the success of harvest, proximity to large cities, services offered by the stable, etc.… But maybe it can give those of you less familiar with horses a better idea of just how fucked August actually is.

Stable: this variable is already very hard to judge. You can find fairly cheap barns, but you usually have to do at least part of the work yourself, too (just imagine August mucking out Rousseau’s stall lmao). Feed is often included in the price, doesn’t cover any special needs, though (hay is included, but anything else you have to buy yourself). However, Hillerska is a prestigious school. They have a groom (our beloved Marcus) to take care of everything the owners don’t want to do (mucking out, feeding, taking horses out to the pastures and then back inside). You can find yourself with anywhere between 200- 600 Euros per month, depending on the services offered. Knowing what we do about Hillerska, you can expect the cost to be at the higher end.

The farrier should come every six to eight weeks and, again, costs depend on what work needs to be done. It can be anywhere between 50 Euro (bare hoof, only need to be trimmed) to close to 200 Euro (horse shoes for all four hooves). As long as Rousseau isn’t being exercised he’ll most likely only need a trim. 

Insurance depends greatly on your horse and its value (it’s hinted that he is valuable in the show) but generally costs between 50 to 150 Euro per month where I’m from.

Vet costs (assuming your horse is healthy and you only need to get the recommended vaccinations and check-up’s as well as anthelmintics) will usually be around 400 Euros a year and can go way up, depending on whether your horse has any special needs. Rousseau seems to be healthy, so we’ll assume he only needs the bare minimum.

Based on what he definitely needs to buy/pay for, the annual cost would be somewhere between 3400 and 12.400 Euro. Which is a super rough estimate and doesn’t even cover any extra expenses (Rousseau most certainly doesn’t only eat hay but also other feed specifically for sport horses). A horse can easily cost up to 21.400 Euro per year. August saves some money because he doesn’t take any training sessions and thus doesn’t need to pay for a trainer. He could also lend Rousseau to the school and let other students ride him; a deal like that would reduce how much he needs to pay for the monthly care of Rousseau.

But either way: August has to pay between 295 and 1800 Euro per month. If he wasn’t struggling financially, he probably wouldn’t even notice such a “small” expense. As it is, he can’t even pay his own tuition. There’s no way he’ll be able to pay for a horse.

(Would also like to, again, state that this is extremely generalized; I just wanted to highlight how much a horse usually costs).

[padfootdaredmetoo]

Hello! id like to make a request if that's okay! it's a fic about Tommy x reader (or OC if you prefer) where she works at the Garrison (wow.. unexpected) and you can decide in which season is set, if it's canon or not but basically she works there and she's a quite girl just.. working. She and Tommy still aren't a "thing" but some feelings are definitely there. But then, all of a sudden, things start to go downhill when some of Tommy's enemies start to have tip-offs (idk if it's the right word I'm sorry!) of the Shelby family's plans and, since there's seemingly no one else to blame, Tommy starts losing his clarity and blames her because she's quiet, she's silent, she's mysterious like no one knows much about her since she's foreign AND she just minds her business that in this case it's seen as suspicious. So of course everybody ends up getting hurt, Tommy who thinks his trust in broken and Her who thinks Tommy was better than that. Of course she isn't guilty. AND THAT'S IT. I just love angst and, if that's okay with you, the end is up to you because 1. I suck at requesting and 2. my imagination just ends here... I hope this wasn't lame or dumb but if you don't like it or simply can't write it, it won't be a problem of course!! AND SORRY IF THIS IS SO LONG (and thank you for your time! <3 ) <3 <3 <3 :)

Dear Anon!

Thank you for waiting and for sending in a request! I tried to make this angsty... but I also can't help myself and there's a soft ending.

Hope you enjoy!

Warnings: Mentions of past abuse, almost physical harm done to the reader, the reader goes into shock (not detailed), peaceful ending.

There wasn't enough snow on the planet to make him feel awake. He sat in his office and felt himself slip into a familiar distant stare as the loss set in from his current plan. He had a black cat, more of a rat really, amongst his ranks. Someone was tipping people off. Once could be recklessness, twice could be stupidity, but three times proves that it's not him at all. 

Anger was all that was keeping him awake, his mind searching through what pieces of information were leaked and who had known about those details. The money and opium was a heavy fucking blow, but this time it almost cost him his brother. The thought was enough for his body to break its stony composure. 

He looked at the clock and figured he might skip down to the Garrison. It would give him a chance to observe everyone. Of course, his mind also drifted to the barmaid that frequently caught his attention. The prettiest girl he’d ever laid eyes on, kind eyes, sharp tough, soft curves…. Oh, how he’d like nothing more than to take his frustrations out on you. Knowing you as well as he did you would probably be one step ahead of him in figuring it out…

Unless you were to blame. His heart gave a painful twist in the dim light of his office at the realization. He finished his whiskey in hopes that the burning liquid would numb some of the sensation blooming in his chest. 

He knew you had no family and had only recently moved to Birmingham to escape an ex-boyfriend. Something that originally won you the position, a girl like that ought to be protected, and protection won him leverage to keep you off of the cops should you grow a heavy conscious. He was grateful he never had to hold it over your head because he’d not had the stomach to do such a thing. You were…. Fragile looking. Big innocent eyes, hands that were always busy, you never brought up the business or his family's long list of problems. Kept to yourself enough that it drove him down to the bar almost every night to talk to you, needing to know how your day went…..

Thinking logically about it there was no one else that was constantly around the family like you were, it would be easy for you to listen in on their meetings that took place after the bar had closed to the public. He was the idiot who insisted you stay till someone (him) could drive you home. 

Fuck. He slammed his hands down on his desk sending picture frames toppling over. What a stupid fucking girl. He had no choice but to cut her, he’d fucked three trades over this girl, if she didn't hang it would only show a possibility to people that wanted to fuck him over just as she had. That there was an opportunity, an opening in the armor. Loose threads always had a way of unraveling eventually. 

He thought of calling Arthur and John. Asking them to do it meant he didn't actually have to witness it himself. He could simply lie, tell himself that you’d moved away end of story. 

But the thought of a man's hands on you driven by any intention was enough to make his hands fist around the edge of his desk. He felt the wood begin to splinter beneath his pale fingers and realized he’d have to manage this himself. Maybe he could just scare you into giving your employer up. Exile you to a far away land…

He lit a cigarette and told himself to enjoy this final moment before he ripped himself apart. 

______________________________________

Your heart sank further and further as the night progressed. Normally Tommy would come by to walk or drive you home. As things were crashing down on the family he insisted on having you picked up and dropped off. Something that only deepened the crush you had on your employer. 

One of these days you swore he was going to kiss you before you got out of his car. Tonight was most certainly not that night as you began to close up the pub. Normally the family was around for closing but tonight it was only the regulars. 

Door locked, tables and glasses cleaned. You only took one step into the cold rain before a familiar car pulled up to the curb. Assuming he would only be there for you, you opened the passenger door. Heart pounding at his thoughtfulness. 

Taking in his posture something inside you started up in alarm. 

“Is everything alright?” You asked softly. 

“I know it’s you.” He said staring at the road. 

“Me? What’s me?” You were lost, a small voice inside you hoped he would say that it’s you that holds the key to his heart or something cheesy. But his white knuckles on the steering wheel made you think it was quite obvious that you were about to learn the consequences of being familiar with criminal men. 

He didn’t respond and you didn't push it. You watched as the city faded away quickly, your stomach started to twist at the harsh reality that he was taking you somewhere. Probably the middle of nowhere. 

“Where are you taking me.” You whispered as the cold realization started to set in. You had no family. No one to notice you were gone. No one coming to get you. He wouldn't even have to work that hard to hide your body. No one was going to go looking for it. 

“To my house.” He said calmly. 

“I don't want to go to your house.” You hated the slight edge of panic that was starting to rise up in you. 

He quickly turned a sharp corner and you watched a lavish house come into view as he tore down the gravel driveway. He pulled the car to a hasty stop and before you could get your bearings he’d pulled you from the car. You tried to fight his grip but it was no use. He dragged you through the main floor of the house. 

Your brain finally kicked into gear. It was going to be you or him, and you should start acting accordingly. 

“LET ME GO” You started screaming all kinds of profanities. Holding on to doorways, kicking and flailing. Trying to make things as hard on him as possible. Eventually, he threw you down on the hallway floor in frustration. He gripped your jaw painfully and you watched him struggle as he looked into your eyes. Some silent battle raged on inside him, eventually, they softened slightly. 

“FUCK. I’m not going to hurt you. I just need to know who you're working for.” 

“You! Fucking idiot. I work for you.” Whatever this was it was too painful to feel anything other than anger. He raised his hand causing you to flinch, but he dropped it.

“Fucking woman. Just fuck.” He sighed. 

The sounds of footsteps became clearer and you heard a gasp. 

“What the bloody fuck is all this.” Polly’s voice rang out behind you and you felt her arms wrap around your chest as if to pull you away from him. “The fuck is wrong with you!” She pushed you behind her a doled out a heavy slap across his face. 

“She’s it. I know it’s her. She’s the one leaking information.” 

“Finn’s got Bill in the wine cellar. The ACTUAL RAT!” She screamed at him and you watched his face fall. He pinched the bridge of his nose and his features crumbled. 

“What’s all this then? Been trying to call you all bloody night.” John started, he held out a hand to you and quickly grabbed on to you trying to steady you. “Shakin’ like a bloody leaf love, s’alright.” Confusion was written all over him until he registered his brother's composure. John stiffened and pulled you against his chest. 

“O’come of it. Her? Really? Fucksakes Thomas the only thing she’s hiding is her undying love for ya. This is why we -” He pointed his finger back and forth between the two of them “- Need to fucking talk to each other. You let out a sharp gasp as he picked you up and carried you away. He kicked open a heavy door to a warm kitchen. 

“What the fuc-” Esme started her eyes narrowing and face falling to stone at the sight of you being carried by her husband. A larger wave of fear started to threaten to crash against your body. 

“Just look after her will ya.” John shut her up and placed you down gently in a wooden chair. “Thomas- Fucking idiot’s gone and put her in shock. Thinking she’s the fucking rat.” 

Her composure softened considerably. She gave him a nod as he strode out of the room. You watched as she floated around the kitchen and soon a cup of tea and a glass of whiskey were placed in front of you. 

“I’d start with the whiskey, love. Try to get some of your color back.” She said softly sitting next to you. 

You quickly threw back the amber liquid feeling it dislodge the painful feelings in your chest. Tears started to well up and spill over your pale cheeks. 

“It’s not your fault love, he’s a right idiot. Doesn’t help that he’s been falling over you for months. You scared him.” She lit a cigarette and after a long drag, she placed it between your fingers. “Not tellin' you to forgive him or anythin’. If it would cheer you up I’ll have John hold him down for ya. Landing a few blows will get it out of your system.” She prattled on and eventually, she got a few laughs from you. Polly came through not long after, giving you a similar type of attention. You didn’t understand, up until that evening, you’d never noticed them paying attention to you. 

“How's he going to fix this?” Esme asked her stretching her arms above her head. 

“I have no fucking idea. But don't you let him off easy. Take him for everything he’s got.” Polly pointed her finger at you. 

“And if you’d rather move far away from the lot of us, the two of us will get you out.” Esme continued. 

__________________________________________________

You stayed in your apartment for a few days, trying to recover from what had happened. Most of your time was spent on the edge of sleep, your mind filled with nightmares. The towering figure that used to be your ex was replaced by Thomas. Running down that hallway over and over again only to meet the back of his hand. 

He couldn't actually hurt you. Even when he thought it was you responsible for almost getting his family killed, and a mass amount of money lost. Even then he couldn’t do more than raise his hand. 

You thought about running away. Like you did last time…. But Esme's words swirled around in your mind. Maybe confronting him would be better. 

A few phone calls later you heard he was taking the same shut-in approach as you were. 

You got to his house and were let in by one of the maids. After arguing with them you finally made your way up to what you assumed was the master bedroom. You placed a soft knock on the door and got no response. You took a deep breath and moved into the darkroom. 

“Thomas?” You asked quietly. You heard him let out a sigh and took it as an invitation to move closer. You sat on his bed cross-legged and looked down at his pale complexion. 

“Why are you here?” He said staring up at the ceiling. 

“To confront you.” His eyes sparked at that and he turned his attention to you. “Esme said I should beat you up.” 

“You can if you like.” He responded calmly. You responded by laying down on the bed next to him. Three days of fear and you couldn't stop yourself from reaching out and lacing your fingers in his. 

“Promise you won’t ever hit me. Or drag me around. Or be that angry Or even just shout at me.” You closed your eyes and you felt your body tense up at the feeling of being so vulnerable. “I won’t stay. I can’t handle it, my nerves - I just” Your voice got wet and you took a shaky breath. His body moved onto his side and he pulled you against him slowly giving you lots of opportunities to protest and see where he was going with his actions. 

“John almost died. Million pounds at the bottom of the cut, not to mention all the lost opium. Even then I couldn't stop my heart from breaking seeing you that scared. Never again. Not by my hand or another.” 

Your body believed him and the tension left you. 

“For extra reassurance, Polly has sent me a lengthy list of things she’ll do to me if a hair is put out of place.” He mumbled. 

You already knew he was partially high on opium. It was the only thing preventing you from kissing him. Instead, you just let yourself accompany him into a peaceful sleep. In the morning you’d make him promise again. Set firm boundaries and keep him at arm's length for a while just to be sure but for now, you let yourself relax.  

____

It wasn't easy building her trust after that night. He insisted she stop working at the Garrison, which he knew was a secret relief to her. He didn't like her being on high alert surrounded by drunk men.

He'd really had to work on his temper if he wanted to stay with her. Things around him would set him off, but loud noises/shouting set you off in a much worse way. Watching you crumple made him sick to his stomach. So when he was angry he would take deep breaths. You would often trace your fingers over his hands. Finding your own way of trusting that he wouldn't hurt you.

Once making peace with his anger, you started to find your own slowly. The first time you shouted at him in frustration you both stopped in shock over the situation and you watched him struggle to fix everything immediately.

[utilitycaster]

You've talked a bit before about genre and genre-expectations. If you have the time/inclination, could you talk a bit about what classifies something as horror? More specifically, what makes Candela Obscura fall into the category of horror?

As a bit of background: I am a Travis-level scaredy-cat, but I love the supernatural - ghost stories, monsters, superstitions. I tend to rely a lot on genre labels to help me differentiate, and media labelled "horror" is pretty generally a no go. I starting watching Candela out of curiosity because I'd heard great things about the characters in chapter two, and was fully prepared to have to nope out. Instead I found that it sat comfortably within my "supernatural" bubble of tolerance, and I absolutely loved it! Obviously a person's tolerance for what is "scary" is deeply individualistic, but its got me wondering what exactly classifies something as horror? (and whether there is other media similar to candela that I am missing out on because my genre expectations are skewed)

So...genre boundaries are all very permeable and take a on very "I'll know it when I see it" quality when you get to the edges. There's a poll about horror tolerance going around right now and I actually found it completely unusable because, for example, all three of Jordan Peele's films are considered horror, and while I consider myself also kind of skittish, I loved Get Out and Nope whereas the premise of Us fundamentally is on my personal "absolutely cannot" list. Basically: defining horror is tough (though I'll make an attempt, with the understanding that I am the most amateur and there are actual media studies folks in the fandom who might be a better bet) but also a lot of people, myself included, who consider themselves bad at "horror" often, as you say, actually have a very specific personal list of tolerances and plenty of horror is fine for them (and plenty of non-horror might not be!) Basically this is a great question and multiple people out there are writing their PhD theses attempting to answer it, and they probably have different answers, is what I'm saying. I also, in looking up horror on Wikipedia in order to see what that definition is, found that it defines the genre differently for literature vs. film. Short answer: no one fucking knows; scary shit.

I think horror is most generally works that are intended to build a sense of fear or dread, and I recall (possibly incorrectly) someone on a podcast talking about writing define the difference between a thriller and a horror movie is whether the protagonist succeeds; I'd modify that to say "whether they succeed without a great cost (thriller) or whether the price of success possibly outweighs the win (horror)."

Anyway, I do have a list of horror subgenres here that speaks the language of TTRPGs, namely Van Richten's Guide to Ravenloft, and I find that horror subgenres are more helpful signposts than just the "horror" label, and I suspect you may find the same as well. I'm not going to run through them all, but, for example, "Ghost Stories" and "Dark Fantasy" are two of them, and those never bothered me and it sounds like you like those! Candela covers a lot of ground - elements of body horror, gothic horror, cosmic/eldritch horror, and occult detective stories, but it is absolutely in the supernatural realm. It is worth noting that a lot of not explicitly horror shows often dip into horror and I (and possibly you) are fine with it. The CR main campaign and D&D in general absolutely has horror elements. I only watched the Nine and Ten seasons of modern-era Doctor Who but that absolutely has episodes that are basically straight up horror (Midnight? Silence in the Library? Don't Blink? Even though, famously, everyone lives in that one set during WWII, the "are you my mummy" line is chilling.) Again: genre/subgenre lines are very permeable and hard to use as signposts.

What has been most helpful to me in finding horror works I can personally enjoy is understanding what I can't do. I don't mind blood and gore but I don't want that to be the point (I don't think I'm so much upset by slasher films so much as don't enjoy them) and I don't want to watch torture porn (which is pretty much exclusively within the realm of horror film, not literature). I have a lot of trouble with zombie films but a lone zombie in a D&D game is fine. The premise of a film like The Thing is intellectually fascinating to me but the idea that you can't trust anyone or anything is too unsettling...although also that was kind of the premise of the monsters of Candela Chapter 2 and I thought that slapped. Psychological horror is case by case; folk horror can be great or can mess me up; like Marisha I flat out don't do narrow tunnels in caves and I especially don't do caves with water in them. Cosmic/Eldritch, dark fantasy, and gothic horror are all almost always okay or if they're not it's because they take place in a water-filled cave. Honestly, I don't have a good answer of how to find things but I use subgenre, talking to people you know who watched the film/saw the show in question, and understanding your own personal issues - whether they're genuine triggers or just "this will upset me and I don't find it fun." I will say a lot of the tropes within horror that bother me bother me out of horror; the cave diving, for example, is part of a general hard line I have; I don't like zombie comedies even though horror-comedy can mitigate other issues (eg: I liked Cocaine Bear even though it's basically a slasher film with a bear because it's pretty funny).

Another really big distinction for me that might be true for you: audio horror, literary horror, and actual play horror (even if filmed), where the visuals are limited or only described, is much easier for me than visual horror. I don't know if that's the same for you, but it's very true for me.

Some other similar media I can personally recommend as someone who I suspect has similar broad preferences re: horror:

Of the Candela touchstones listed, will personally vouch for V. E. Schwab's Darker Shade of Magic series (dark fantasy books, wouldn't even classify as horror), Frankenstein (the book); Crimson Peak (gothic horror/ghost story film; I recall it having a lot of blood but not gore but I saw it in theaters so it's been a while); Penny Dreadful (is it good? debatable. Is it fun? absolutely.)

The New Weird genre is often thrown around and I don't think Candela per se falls into it, but it's certainly the same vibe of horror/fantasy crossovers that don't always fit into one or the other. Anyway: I have brought up the Silt Verses, which is a podcast solidly in that genre which I think I would not enjoy as a film but greatly enjoy as a podcast.

The Southern Reach Trilogy is...not Candela in vibes exactly but I just think everyone should read it, and it is in that weird horror-inflected sf genre space.

Twin Peaks and the X-Files which are very different stories in some ways, but are also investigations of horrors in a world where most people don't believe in that, and Spenser says his cinematic description style is using some of that lexicon, notably from the X-Files' cold opens. (The X-Files is very long and I only watched a few seasons but also while there is an overarching plot, from what I recall it's kind of ridiculous so you can bounce around; Twin Peaks is worth the watch through though I never watched anything after the original series).

I'm not going to lie, I listened to all of Alice Isn't Dead, which was a horror podcast from the Night Vale team, because the actress was so good, but the plot never totally clicked for me, but worth checking out. More worth checking out, while definitely New Weird and not horror, is Within the Wires, which I mentioned before, if you find the concept of Newfaire interesting on a sociocultural level. I am going to make a shitpost about Within the Wires in a second so just look at that. I also never finished Old Gods of Appalachia, but if you liked the Candela playlist Spenser and Rowan put out and are interested in the Bridleborne Mountains region/vibe with folk horror, it was pretty good; I just found it hard to binge, personally, and I listen to so many fucking podcasts it fell by the wayside.

Hope this helps!

[naiatabris]

celebration

This is a little drabble I wrote that didn't quite fit in "Last Light." I think even after the graveyard scene, Astarion would occasionally struggle with setting boundaries around sex and feel anxiety about saying "no," even with a partner who's supportive and deeply trusted. I wanted to explore what that might look like in the very bittersweet aftermath of the final battle. If you've read this far thanks for indulging my brainworms, and hope you enjoy! (Small content warning: consensual bite.)

**********

The bath water was cold, but Astarion could not bring himself to get out of it.

They’d done it. They’d killed the Elder Brain—or Nether Brain, or whatever it had been by that point. They’d saved the damn world. And it had cost Astarion exactly what he’d feared it would. It had cost him the sun.

He’d thought himself prepared for the possibility. Not a day had gone by since Cazador’s death that he didn’t wonder how much longer the tadpole would protect him. But some part of him, some stupid little part that had failed to learn all the lessons of these past two centuries, had hoped that the tadpole’s changes were permanent. As usual, hope had turned itself around on him and stabbed sharper than any dagger. He felt ragged, wretched, nothing like a man who had just faced down an apocalypse and come out on top.

It's our moment of triumph. And I’m ruining it for her.

Hells. He should have been whisking Lia into his arms, carrying her to his bed, celebrating the fact that they had nothing to do for the next several weeks except enjoy each others’ company and bodies. But now he was once again what Cazador had made him, a helpless spawn trapped in the shadows, and the thought of being intimate with her tonight raised all the old shame and disgust.

He shoved his hand against the surface of the water angrily, raising a little wave, his face tightening in frustration. Gods, he’d only just gotten himself back, rediscovered his own desire. And at the first setback it had slipped through his fingers like a fumbled coin.

Drying off and pulling on his old favorite clothes helped a bit, helped his body feel almost like his again. But he still felt a sinking sense of dread as he pushed open the door to their common room at the Elfsong. He was going to disappoint her. She’d be kind about it, of course, but he’d see it in her eyes. She was going to be reminded of all the things he could not give her, all the reasons why she should have told him “no” at his grave. 

When he entered the room he spotted Lia sitting at the fire, the owlbear cub’s head in her lap. She was staring into the flames as if they had hypnotized her, slumped against the back cushions, her eyes were open but miles away. She did not seem to register his presence, and she did not look like her usual self.

Astarion felt his brow furrow a bit. “Darling?”

She blinked and sat up. “There you are,” she said sheepishly. “Sorry. A lot to think about.” She turned to look at him and frowned, clearly seeing something in his face. “Is everything all right?”

“No.” The word slipped out of its own accord. “I—could we speak in private?”

The furrow between her brows deepened, but she nodded and stood, following him into his room, drawing a deep breath as he shut the door.

“I don’t want to have sex tonight,” he blurted.

He readied himself for disappointment or frustration on her face, for an oh-so-patient sigh, or a look of pity. But all he saw was a lessening of the worry.

“Gods, I thought you were going to say—well, never mind that,” she said, shaking her head. “Astarion, it’s all right. Really. I—”

“It’s not,” he burst out, frustration making the words angrier than he’d intended. “We fucking won. We should be celebrating, damn it. Enjoying our victory, enjoying each other! Instead I can’t stop feeling fucking sorry for myself, sorry for what I lost. I hate that I won’t be able to watch the sun rise tomorrow. I hate it! And it’s all I can think about, and it’s the last thing I should be thinking about, and it doesn’t change how much I want you but I—somehow I don’t want to, not even with you.” He ran his fingers into his damp hair. “Am I making any sense? Hells, I only half understand what’s going on in my head.”

“Oh, Astarion.” Lia bit her lip in worry, and seemed about to reach for him, but pulled her hand back. Then she rubbed the hand across her eyes as her shoulders sagged. She drew a heavy breath. “Well, it might help to know that if you’d suggested sex tonight, I would have said no.”

Astarion drew himself up a bit straighter and blinked in surprise. He’d tied himself in so many knots worrying that he would disappoint her, but it hadn’t even occurred to him that she might not be interested. 

For the first time since the bath he really looked at her face. Lia was clean and healed, and should have looked much better than she had covered in bruises and muck and gore at the docks—but there were shadows on her face and a weary set to her frame, and it looked very much as if tears were shimmering in her eyes.

“I don’t feel like celebrating anything,” she continued, her voice wobbling as she wrapped one arm around herself. “Orpheus’s fate was awful and I feel so guilty about it. I miss Lae’zel and Wyll, and I’m so angry that Karlach had to go back to Avernus, and it’s not fair that you lost the sun, and I’m… gods, I’m exhausted, Astarion,” she said, half-laughing, though he could sense that she was doing it to keep herself from crying. “I’ve never been so tired in my life, not even the day we fought Myrkul. It was all I could do to keep my eyes open in front of the fire. The only reason I even tried was because I know you need to feed.”

Astarion felt as if the world was rearranging itself in front of him. Here he’d thought that he was ruining something for her. But there on her face was all the same conflict and weariness and sadness that he felt. Though he didn’t like the thought of her feeling it, the knowledge that he was not alone in his misery eased some of the bitter ache in his chest.

Instinctively, Astarion stepped forward and gathered Lia into his arms, pulling her head to rest against his shoulder. He felt her sag into him, leaning on him for support, and he held her close, stroking her hair. “Poor darling. And here I was, taking my time and wallowing,” he said ruefully.

“You don’t have to apologize.” She looked up at him with concern. “And I meant what I said, you know. You don’t have to sleep with me to be with me. If you don’t want sex again for a while I really do understand.” She swallowed. “I can go back to my own room, if that seems better for now.”

“Oh gods, don’t you dare,” he groaned, tightening his arms around her. “I’m sorry, my love. I know I’m an utter mess tonight. But I also know that if I wake up tomorrow and don’t see your face, I am going to be even more of a miserable wreck than I am now.”

“Let’s get comfortable so you can feed, then,” she said warmly, touching his cheek with the tips of her fingers. “And then I’m sleeping as long and as heavily as I can. I mean it. I might snore.”

He let out an unsteady chuckle. “Oh hells. You snore? I regret this relationship already,” he joked, swallowing as a few tears threatened his own eyes.

“Too late,” she said, laughing a bit. “You’re stuck with me.”

They wound up spooning in the bed, Lia warm and soft in the curve of Astarion’s body, close and comfortable together. Astarion breathed in her scent for a moment and felt a sort of peace flow through him. His anger and disappointment were still there, still heavy within him, but for the first time since he’d felt the sun’s burn he believed that their weight would lessen in time. And he could feel Lia relax as well, could hear her breath slow as she sank into the pillow and she nestled herself against him. 

He bit her neck as gently as he could, felt gratitude flood him as her blood filled his mouth, felt the echoes of the sun’s damage fade as the strength from her gift coursed through him. He pulled his fangs from her skin with only a little reluctance and ran his tongue over the bite marks, cleaning up the traces of blood.

“Thank you, darling,” he whispered. “All done.”

“Mmmkay. Going to sleep now,” she mumbled hazily. “Night, Astarion. Love you.”

“I love you too.” He pressed his forehead into the back of her head, closing his eyes and tightening his arms around her. “Gods, I really love you.”

A deep, shuddering breath let him know she had not heard. Sleep had already found her. But he hoped that somehow she knew anyway.

Also up on AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/53386624

[honourablejester]

Heart: The City Beneath - Quick Class Impressions

Cleaver: This place is a world of eldritch flesh and eldritch blood, and you’re the sort of person who learns by eating. Quite literally. A methodology that can, if you choose, also be applied to people. Taste the flesh, taste the world. This is a delightfully tactile survivalist class that gains skills and power by getting squishy about it.

Deadwalker: What more perfect dance partner could there be for a thief and a killer than the sentient shadow of their own delayed death? Heaven and hell are mere vaults before the right fingers, and your death loves you, so why not? If you want to play a metaphysical sort of rogue, this is the class for you.

Deep Apiarist: The chaos of this world is a sensory hell, so you drowned it out by allowing eldritch bees to make a living hive of your body. Because that’s a thing sane people do. But you are now glitteringly sane, owing to the order-inducing abilities of said eldritch bees, so … a successful experiment? Honestly, this is my second favourite class.

Heretic: Yours is a heretic faith, a faith that would get you killed in places that are not here, a faith not in the moon above but the moon below, but her silver light guides your hands regardless. There’s a definite inquisitorial, Bloodborne-type hunter sort of vibe to these priests. The damnic virtues are a little bit on the intense side. But I can vibe with that.

Hound: Once upon a time, an unlucky few, three hundred, were sent to die so others wouldn’t have to, and did something dreadful to survive. Now, they can never die, and their curse echoes down to all who bear their standards. But you were always unlucky anyway, and someone still needs to do it so others don’t have to. Do you want to play a cursed WWI soldier possessed by the genius loci of the trenches, forever standing your ground for the sake of others? I love the lore here.

Incarnadine: You were so fucking good at being perpetually in debt that you drew the attention of the god of being in debt, and they wiped your old life clean in psychic balance. Now you bear their mark, and your life is a razored game of balancing costs, but it’s not without its rewards. I’m not entirely sure of the lure of playing a rank on the totem pole of metaphysical loan sharks myself, but you do get to buy and trade in reality while you’re at it?

Junk Mage: You’re a high energy junkie on the bleeding edge of magic, stealing slivers of power from the many eldritch beings that live in the City Beneath. You’re mad, of course, but what’s life without a little madness? I get a lot of PF2e’s thaumaturge from these guys. Also warlocks, obviously. Junkyard magic, begged, borrowed and stolen, but it’ll burn you out eventually. They’re itchy and I like them.

Vermissian Knight: The train system was plugged into the heart of the eldritch beating thing that is this place, and immediately broke reality, and now you, armoured in scraps of eldritch train steel, must explore and stand guard over what remains. Far and away my favourite class. I love them.

Witch: The Heart gets in your blood, oh, so very literally, and courses its power through your body like a disease. Exactly like a disease. But oh, you are a blood-red, beautiful thing in the process. Something between a witch and a werewolf, if you want a class that lets you plug yourself directly and physically into the eldritch vibes of the setting, the witch might be the choice for you!

Overall, the Incarnadine is the one that pings for me the least. My personal top three are Vermissian Knight, the Deep Apiarist, and the Cleaver.

Also, side note, there is so much body horror in this game. I’m vibing with it, but my sister was quite distressed by the Deep Apiarist in general, and a couple of the Cleaver’s abilities as well. This is a squishy, squelching, writhing sort of game. (Or, well, it can be. If you have a party of Heretics, Vermissian Knights and Deadwalkers, it might lean more grey and desolate and technological. But if you’ve got Witches, Apiarists and Cleavers, it’s gonna get messy).