assignmentsprojects

[thatsgonnaleaveamark]

people who just.. have full conversations at concerts. why

[rainingincale]

.

[nahalism]

i just quit my job, that drained me. It feels both bad and good, because I don't have another one lined up, but it takes out all my life energy. The energy of my coworkers is dark and bullying, it's disrespectful. One of them is giving me the chills since day 1 and has dark energy. I don't know if witchcraft is a thing, but I randomly saw a video about it, i think it was wizardliz and how she said you take that energy and get these thought w you, even if you don't want it, i was like, ok this is exactly this person. It's hard to explain. Anyway, in the end it's me allowing myself getting disrespected. It means I'm not in the right place. The darkness that it gives me, is pushing me to see the light. But still I feel bad, cause a lot of people need a job, want a job, and I threw it away after 4 years. I'm sorry for ranting in your inbox. I didn't tell anybody, because I know people talk me out of it, cause it's a good job and you need money right. But i feel like i'd hang myself, being around these people a day longer. I don't wanna say there's bad people, but it felt lke that and i know everybody that puts darkness on me, needs to find their own light and pushes me to find mine. But man, idk, i can't believe there are people like this. Who constantly talk and judge others, never check the mirror. I don't like labels ,but I use to question myself if I'm anti-social, autistic, weird, but I believe I'm sensitive to a point that it doesn't matter what anybody says or does, it's what i feel and if that isn't good, i can not be around you. I know someone who hurt me, but i know in my heart she didn't mean to. I guess she didn't know better. Despite that, I feel pure about her. Safe around her and I know she does with me. And then there're these people who claim to be good, acts of kindness, trynna hang w you, but then it feels off. Not pure. Not safe. Does it make sense? I know I will face more situations like this, but how do I deal with it. Do you have tips? Don't feel obligated to answer. I hope you are doing good x

heyyyy, first of all!!! congratulations on making a decision that makes you happy. you did something brave and took your future into your own hands. dont let outside noise, guilt, or fear move you from acknowledging that. there are always ways to make money, but our time here and what we do with it is finite so the quality of your experience matters.

i think you did a powerful thing trying to find how those negative experiences could teach you something or push you toward an experience of life you would rather have. as im sure you know, negative experiences are half the battle. mastering ourselves and our response to them is often the harder and more necessary task. however, knowing that can make leaving harder, cause not being able to 'rise above' and endure something tough can often feel like a failure to master yourself or those circumstances. that said, i think you did the right thing leaving a space that doesnt make you happy. as much as we can change ourselves, its not our job to change people, and at a certain point we have to believe and trust in what we feel. our feelings toward things are some of our indicators toward whether or not what we experience is aligned with us.

in terms of witchcraft. i know juju is a real thing but i dont give it much weight or credence simply because i believe like frequencies latch on to like frequencies. if its true that the universe is mental and we create our realities then those things that manifest in our lived experience have their root within us. — this is why 1) theres a deep meaning to 'no weapon formed against me shall prosper'. when you have conviction of yourself and your path, wayward energies cannot get to you or conquer you. if someone would wish you evil, but you hold no resonance toward that evil, or you have no fear/insecurity concerning their power over you, that evil cannot latch on to you and returns back to sender. — 2) (this relates to how you conduct yourself in the future), practice stilling yourself, knowing where you are going, and what your experience of where you will to go looks and feels like. then go forward. when you encounter people you disagree with, who trigger you, or who give you a similar vibe to the people you have just left, you can do one of two things. seek the aspect of you that identifies with them. (if you didn't identify or fear their ability to rub off on you, you would be able to tune them out or brush them off. soon they would cease to exist around you whether its them getting moved to another department, or you getting promoted etc) orrrr. choose to see them. understand that beyond the face they show you, they have different faces and aspects to them. who are they to their mother? their brother? their children. by seeing them in the full scope of their humanity you can remember that they are more than the aspect of them you see that aggravates you & in doing so treat them as you would treat someone you love. its a funny thing, cause that person could be an asshole to everyone else, yet the softest most generous person to you, because when we see people for who they are or even more than what they are, they usually respond in like mind.

wishing you so much luck and good fortune in your future endeavours. your effort will not betray you 💋

[possumteeths]

So like when I was in junior year i was on this school trip for a competition that the entire team had to thank me for even qualifying us. Anyways the teacher who for some reason had personal beef with me and just went out of his way to bully me, he told everyone ok ur not allowed to eat at anywhere that we have on the island.

Me, with dietary restrictions for literal health reasons of which he knew about assumed that like as long as I tried my best i’d be fine.

Proceed to read the dumbest injustice that ever happened to me in highschool. Its so insane its funny I promise.

So like day one after the first day of the competition we’re released into a food court and told that we cannot go anywhere else in the mall. Only the food court. So legitimately the only possible thing I could eat there was tacobell. And anyways the teacher lets me purchase the food, lets me get to the table, waits for everyone else to come back and then he stands up to proceed to SCREAM at me. Like full mad saying I am disrespecting him by disrespecting his rules and that is dangerous because that means I’ll break all other rules.

He threatened to send me home….? Like hello?? Imagine pissing urself over tacobell. So like I legit hid my sad ass burrito in my bag because i was worried he was gonna make me toss it.

Later that night in the hotel the other girls and I conspired to order pizza and pick it up in the lobby. We ordered pizza and were like so far getting away with our crime. But!!! Later like at midnight the teacher fucking opens our room unannounced with no warning like wtf what if someone was idk naked or something but anyways he sees the pizza box and he makes a big show of crumpling it with his shoes and fucking gets in my face while im literally in bed to tell me im on thin ice and i was all mad so i took the full blame and said yeah i ate that entire pizza wtf are u gonna do? make me go throw it up?

So END of the competition (i was the ONLY person to take home 3 awards, one other kid got an honorable mention but I in single challenges got fuckin 3, the team itself as a group got nothing.) we were gonna go to like a six flags rip off. I already knew there was pretty much gonna be nothing i could eat there so I packed like a buncha granola bars in my bag. The park had pretty clear on their website that any food of any kind is allowed in. This was also reinforced by one of the other children watchers who told us all that food is ok.

So at the fucking place in the van, mr asshole turns and stares me dead in the eyes for like 30 whole seconds and says all fuckin dangerously. “Dump ur bag” and im like wtf? and hes like “Empty your bag RIGHT NOW.”

So i literally dump it upside down and shake it, and he like picks up a granola bar and is like are you TRYING to be insufferable??? do you WANT to get us kicked out of the park? (The other lady isnt in this van) And like other kids are defending me saying that the other teacher said its ok or saying like she probably cant eat anything in the park. Mr asshole, takes like a handful of the contents of my purse and stomps to a garbage can and throws literally everything away. I had to go and like pick out lip balm and a necklace I had in there.

And guess fucking what. Other kids had food in their bags. The park checks your bag and any food that other people had was NOT thrown away or even mentioned. Mr asshole said NOTHING to me like no sorry no nothing.

So! Guess what! There WAS nothing I could eat!!! At the place!!! Like I guess chips and frenchfries but like I legit dont eat that..? Nor did I wanna spend like $16 for frenchfries. I hadnt eaten breakfast because we went back to the same food court, I hadnt had dinner last night because the team went out and I was to stay in the hotel as a punishment. I got EXTREMELY light headed, and had to go to the places like idk medical area. Mr asshole had to come with me.

He immediately was telling the person giving me water and an icepack and shit that i’m stubborn and difficult and this is all my fault. The person asks me like whens the last time ive eaten, and I say like yesterday morning and the person offers me a voucher for park food and!!! !!! and!!!!! A fucking granola bar!!!!! Like I wouldve had if this fuckin dickhole hadnt thrown mine away!!!

For the rest of the day I wasnt allowed to ride any rides I just had to sit and wait for everyone. I literally have never gotten over being mad about this. I hope this man dies. I hope he gets literally flattened by a big truck like in a cartoon.

Even worse, he took my awards from me and put it under his desk in the team’s like workroom and said I didnt deserve them because of my poor attitude and everything I pulled during the trip. I had to convince another teacher to go get them for me! And even then he like took the ribbons off my awards and who knows what he did with em.

[dreamliners]

announcement/rant:

im tired of having to fade away from fandoms (one direction, harry styles, mcu, star wars and now stranger things?!)

nope its already bad enough that some of the st actors are wilding online but now eddie fans are fighting within ourselves and for what??? a book??? as if ya'll havent read/written better or more interesting.

you dont have like it or even respect it as canon, whatever. but to tear down someone else for liking it is bullshit. i hate to say it but some of ya'll need to be reminded. THIS IS ALL FICTION. guess what eddie isnt real, hawkins isnt real. it not real folks.

but the message is. eddie was an outcast, he looked out for the people left out or rejected. yet somehow you guys are doing to people what he is against. he isnt a self appointed "freak" thats the label he was given by people who bullied him. the same bullying you guys inflict on writers and other people in this fandom. its bullshit.

we all enjoy different aspects, au's and tropes thats fanfiction. but to diss a writer who writes for your fav, who loves them just as much is so fuckin dumb and wrong. if you dont like their style, then find another author. its not that hard. idk when in the internet timeline people became boomers who complain whenever they dont get what they want immediately. like dude no one will take you seriously when you act like an entitled brat.

also if you dont write then you dont know how long the process really is. even when theres hella inspo and drive it still takes a while. respect writers. we just had a full on writers strike about this shit. i dont wanna see anons anymore either. you wanna spew out your lame ass take, do it off anon since you think you're entitled to that shit.

thats one more thing. you got the nerve to shit talk, have the same amount of balls to do it off anon. you wanna shit talk a writer say it with your whole chest, aint no reason you wanna hide if you really feel that way about it.

imma get real disrespectful rn. if you say shit on anon because you dont wanna be bullied or have "anxiety" imma personally call you a punk ass bitch. because nah i've seen too many anons get comfortable saying dumb shit but not having the nerve to say that shit with their blog name showing. and tbh i will reblog laughing at you for not have the gall to talk your shit without hiding.

i had thought i wouldnt have to become a dickhead in a fandom space again, but here we are. if i see you disrespect my mutuals, or mutuals of my mutuals i will come for your ass anon or not. because respectfully eddie would have too. 🤷🏽‍♀️🤍

[kal-lyp-so]

forgetful man u are

sup, u were pissed at me for telling u how im not scared to lose you and honestly ive admitted my faults but i dont see u admitting ur faults. i was telliing u how ive been feeling and u decided to talk shit about my personality? i was communicating what i feel and you were shitting and making conclusions about me as a person? see? the differences between us two?

u werent listening; heck u were making up shit i told u im not. you are nobody to know me better than myself.

i guessed we both said really hurtful stuff to each other (or not idk whats real anymore), u proceeded to say bye and blocked me. like im going to find u? do whatever u wanna do. u said it urself, u do u. same goes to u. dont get pissed this time around u met someone like me.

honestly i was just gonna tell u how i feel and leave. again. but u always make things worse. why the need ????

for u to mention stuff about my past, trynna attack me emotionally (usually itll work but cs i know ure trynna hurt me, it didnt work) but what happened is that i just felt dissappointed since we were good to each other. for u to say such low shit, i was just shocked at how disrespectful u got.

the things u said were super irrelevant, the audacity for u to say u dont wanna deal with shit too is funny. i dont need u to deal with this. u were nothing to me at the point.

what about the things ive said u not making time at all for me? did u ever explain shit and make efforts to be my friends? apparently u were my friend but not the other way around. u wanted to throw me like this and not end things properly is also ur inability to act like a fucking adult. u still are a boy. very forgetful one.

we couldve said "hey im leaving cs i dont want to tolerate with ur shit" then we can argue and stuff and end up saying "its fine. i hope u live well and all the best"

but you fucking said bye then acted like a fucking crazy ex to start removing me on insta first but still running away from me. asshole. do what u want. i gave alot of shit and i regretted. do i like u still? yep but i dont want you. i can like u so much and still doesnt want to do anything with u. i can love u and not have u. thats how i work. u gotta stop seeing me as needy i dont fucking need u.

again, i dont need u. especially with now how u treated me, lmao i dont even give a shit if u wanna talk or not anymore. be petty as u are, ure gonna realise how others are even shittier or like u. good job buddy.

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

[ambiguousdisorderken]

oh gendernatural night? about a billion years ago when i was *checks watch* about 13-14 years old and i was watching spn for the first time, i was So Attached to dean winchester, i projected on him insanely hard. and i always thought to myself, "i wish i was a man like dean so i could love other men," and like. it took me about half a year to figure out that was me transing my gender for the first time. i had told my mother i wanted to cut my hair like his, partially bc i thought if i framed my desire for short hair to be based off of a fictional character, she would think it was embarrassing but wouldn't outright forbid it. it's literally so cringe to admit dean winchester made me realize i was trans but. that's what anon is for! anyways i hope you have a good night 💚

dean winchester and the magic of jender~

it's a bit cringey, yeah, but i'm kinda on the same boat. in my case i just started wearing plaid and listening to dean's music, but i was much more attached to cas, and, just like him, i was very alienated from many things. oblivious to basic human stuff tbh.

//edit addition: yes! about the loving men thing. for me it's because back then everything i associated with love (ship wise) was m/m, so my brain's path was also "i wish i was a guy so i could love other men". as a girl it's socially acceptable and encouraged to like men, but i wanted to love men in that way.

anyway, i had this super close relationship with a fellow heller back then, we texted all the time and we discussed me going over to her place, her parents paying for my plane ticket and everything. christ. we even mentioned marriage so i could stay in the us with her and we could live together once we were in uni.... i mean... she's grown out of spn so i hope she never reads this, but yes. and i was like 'pffff that's just online besties' but a couple years later i told my then boyfriend about this friendship and he just told me 'it's like you're talking about an ex' and my god was he right.

also for most of my life, i was fine with being a cis girl, but i never ever have felt comfortable with calling myself a woman, because in my head i'm not woman enough, whatever that means. due to kinda unrelated ish physiological factors, i wished so bad i was a guy for like 3 years, but then again what i wanted the most was being bodiless. and then there's how i've always been "one of the guys", like i'm always the friend guys talk about other girls/stuff with. so i don't know what sort of vibes i give off🤷🏻‍♀️ 17year old me would say 'im a leaf swaying in the wind', cheesy af, but true.

just last month i got a bob haircut and my mom was sooo against it lol. i seriously need to figure myself out because 1)im old enough to have my own place but im unemployed and JUST started my 2nd career so.. no prospects 2)if i want to live genuinely and openly i most certainly won't be able to do it under this roof

[rowaning]

The Complete Fiction of HP Lovecraft rated by me, someone who read them all* but has a terrible memory

The Beast in The Cave: uh a guy goes on a cave tour and finds a creature that was like a human that got lost and adapted to its surroundings. 0/10 just because im pretty sure there was another one with this exact premise and neither of them were memorable at all.

The Alchemist: dude achieves immortality and lives in the narrators basement and has pledged to murder his entire lineage or something. 4/10 the alchemy stuff was actually kind of interesting

The Tomb: im pretty sure this is the one where a guy starts hanging out in a tomb and like travels back in time/becomes one of his ancestors? 5/10 if its the one im thinking of i did enjoy reading it

Dagon: guy lands on a mysterious island with signs of a long dead civilization. 1/10 i do not remember what happened in it

A Reminiscence of Dr. Samuel Johnson: 0/10 i have no memory of this

Polaris: also 0/10 i forgot all about it

Beyond the Wall of Sleep: could be any of the dream focused ones. if its the one about the dude sailing into the void or whatever than 4/10 not too bad

Memory: ironically, i dont remember it. 0/10

Old Bugs: 1/10 for the title god i wish i remembered this one

The Transition of Juan Romero: i got nothing. 0/10

The White Ship: this might also be the one about the dude sailing into the void? i liked that one he lived in a lighthouse and boarded a dream ship and just fucking left it was fun. 4/10

The Street: uh i think really steep street that didnt actually exist. 3/10

The Doom that Came to Sarnath: i wanna say another one of the dream centered ones where a town discovers some old relics and blatantly disrespects them and gets exactly whats coming to it. 5/10 they deserved what they got

The Statement of Randolph Carter: ok this dude shows up several times. i think this one is about how he returns to his childhood home then travels back in time and creates a time loop paradox thing. 1/10 meh

The Terrible Old Man: uh some thieves harrass a weird old guy and get got. 5/10

The Cats of Ulthar: someone is mean to a cat in a dream city, all of the rest of the cats get revenge and are revered for the rest of time. 2/10 (-3 because lovecraft has a specific name he gives to apparently every fictional and real cat he encounters and wow i wish he hadn't)

The Tree: i feel like this is something to do with a person becoming a tree but i cant actually remember. 0/10

Celephais: yeah no i got nothing 0/10

The Picture in the House: also nothing 0/10

The Temple: nope 0/10

Facts Concerning the Late Arthur Jermyn and his Family: is this the one where the dude's great grandfather married an ape? i dont think so but im not sure. 0/10, -5/10 if it is that one cause that one was especially shitty

From Beyond: nope 0/10

Nyarlathotep: charismatic dude shows up and is like get in bitches we're going to the void. i love nyarlathotep cause hes the one who directly interacts with humanity and like wears a human suit or whatever so hes just some dude whos like hey im gonna feed you to azathoth 5/0

The Quest of Iranon: got nothing 0/10

The Music of Erich Zann: narrator makes friends with an old musician whos being hunted by supernatural forces. 2/10 because i remember it but it was just ok

Ex Oblivione: 1/10 for the title but i have no clue what it was about

Sweet Ermengarde: lovecraft's sole attempt at comedy. not to my taste like at all 0/10

The Nameless city: nope 0/10

The Outsider: also nope 0/10

The Moon-Bog: sounds cool, dont remember it. 0/10

The Other Gods: dude tries to find the gods of humanity where they live on a big mountain, actually finds them, is immediately smited by the Other Gods who protect the gods of humanity. 3/10 he deserved it

Azathoth: dont recall, 0/10

Herbert West- Reanimator: Arkham man Herbert West and his assistant ressurect the dead with little thought to the consequences, then get murdered by a band of said resurrected dead. 5/10

Hypnos: nope 0/10

What the Moon Brings: also nope 0/10

The Hound: still nope 0/10

The Lurking Fear: again, nope 0/10

The Rats in the Walls: dude returns to his ancestral home, hears rats, excavates the basement and finds out that his ancestors ate human flesh, eats his friend. 1/10 it was an interesting read but can lovecraft please stop calling cats that.

The Unnameable: no clue 0/10

The Festival: nope 0/10

*Under the Pyramids: ok im pretty sure this is the one with houdini which is the only one i could not read. i went into this mentally prepared for lovecraft's bigotry but i was not mentally prepared for him dropping harry houdini, avid skeptic who absolutely would have beat the shit out of him for this, into the middle of his super racist paranormal horror. -1000/10

The Shunned House: nope 0/10

The Horror at Red Hook: also nope 0/10

He: cool title, no memory of the story. 0/10

In the Vault: wow im bad at this. 0/10

Cool Air: still no 0/10

The Call of Cthulhu: kind of all over the place, there was a thing about artists and then a thing about a cop investigating a cult. 3/10 meh but ill give it a bonus for being a staple of horror fiction.

Pickman's Model: uh artist sees some wild shit and draws it and then it eats him. 2/10 i forget the details

The Strange High House in the Mist: if this is the one im thinking of, dude does a dangerous climb to find a mysterious house and meet the inhabitant who is kind of interdimensional and also being hunted by interdimensional things. also maybe the house eats people? 2/10

The Silver Key: another Randolph Carter one, and i think this is actually the one about him travelling back in time so idk what the other one was. 3/10

The Dream-Quest of Unknown Kadath: randolph carter goes on a quest in the dream world to find the gods of humanity and ask why they wont let him check out this cool city he can see from his window. lots of action and very wordy and went a lot of different places. 4/10 good read but extremely xenophobic

The Case of Charles Dexter Ward: guy investigates his ancestor who looks disturbingly like him, ancestor comes back to life and kills him and takes his place and a bunch of other stuff happens. mostly a dramatized genealogical study. 3/10 not bad, very suspenseful

The Colour Out Of Space: meteor lands on a farm, scientists get weirded out by it, everything in the area gets weird then dead, alien thing gets enough power from draining nearby life-forms to escape earth. fun twist ending. 4/10 bonus for being one of the better ones, detraction for writing out a 'rural accent'

The Descendant: nope, 0/10

The Very Old Folk: nope again, 0/10

History of the Necronomicon: very dry. fake history of lovecraft's fake book thats super important to a lot of the stories. 0/10

The Dunwich Horror: isolated witchy family has a kid who no one likes that grows up real fast. graphic descriptions of renovation. a horror gets unleashed on the area and the local folklore scholars have to deal with it. 1/10 nothing good enough to counter the xenophobia

Ibid: i remember this one. no idea what it's deal was. pseudo-bibliography? it was weird. 0/10

The Whisperer in Darkness: guy has a correspondance with another guy about local folk legends based on evil crab things. other guy gets straight up replaced by an evil crab thing and first guy doesnt even notice. imagine if you followed up on a scam email and didnt realize anything was up until you saw that the face of the dude you were talking to in person was a mask. 4/10 for the comedy this guy would not last in the internet age at all

At The Mountains of Madness: guy whines about penguins and how awful it would be if there were civilizations that predated humanity. also commits grave desecration. i get hit by the realization that if lovecraft was less of a racist coward he wouldve made a great speculative sci fi author. 3/10 i would love to watch that old asshole get absolutely torn to shreds by the monster fucker community

The Shadow over Innsmouth: Fish People! Leave Them Alone! Or Else! 5/10 the protagonist gets to live the dream by escaping human society and becoming an immortal fish person

The Dreams in the Witch House: dude rents an objectively haunted room, doesnt listen to people trying to help him, gets murdered by a weird rat. later they find a shit ton of bones in the attic. 2/10 meh

Through The Gates of the Silver Key: Randolph Carter transcends time and space, then de-transcends time and space and immediately gets stuck on another planet in the distant past, makes a long and difficult journey back to earth to find that his estate is being divided amongst his heirs. the comedy potential of a man stuck in an alien body dealing with a legal system that has declared him dead is not examined. 2/10

The Thing on the Doorstep: narrator's good friend marries a fish person witch who steals his body. thats basically it. 3/10. at this point im like wow these narrators really refuse to believe the heavily foreshadowed supernatural explanations that turn out to be correct huh.

The Evil Clergyman: dude is in a room. some ghosts (?) show up. dude has a UV light for some reason. Gets his face stolen i guess and just has to live with it. 5/10 for being absolutely buck wild and refusing to explain anything

The Book: nope 0/10

The Shadow Out Of Time: dude gets his body stolen by ancient scholar species. agonizes about it for a while. finds archaeological evidence of said species. finds a book he wrote while living with said species. almost gets eaten by something. 3/10 more cool speculative sci fi but lame protagonist

The Haunter of the Dark: you'd think id remember it bc this was the last one and i read it last night. oh wait, nvm i do remember it. dude finds an old box in a run down culty church and unleashes a horror that then comes and fucks him up. 1/10 meh.

[slowedreverb]

ok hold on i am venting u rly dont need to read i just need to get it out but someone tell me i dont need her back in my life lmao if u read this tell me if u think she’s worth it.

so i had this friend right . lets say idk abby ... so abby and i were best friends for a hot minute and  we would go to festivals together and everything but i always felt like i lived in her shadow forever. i always felt so bad about myself when i stood next to her because she was drop dead gorgeous and literally everyone wanted her. so like yeah maybe those were my problems alone  and one time for spring break we went to los angeles and let me just list u some things that happened - she got onto a list for a party (mind u it was just me and her traveling together) and it was an hour away. we ran into two guys who were our friends back home so they drove us because they had their car and we didnt (it was an hour away, the uber would have been $120 there n back). she was on the list and all she had to do was tell the people that got her on the list that she had a guest (guys had to pay regardless). she went in without me. didn’t wanna say she had a guest. - those two guys as out friends from home wanted to have a threesome with her lmao. guess who was left out while they planned it? me.  - she met some guy on the street claiming he could make her a model as long as she came to x address the next day. next day, she booked an uber to go to this shady ass place and as much as i wanted to let her go alone (because i sure as hell wasnt gonna put myself in that situation) i came to make sure she was safe. she got paid $200 for modeling while i took her pictures and got none???? lmao - while walking the streets one night, a group of 6 guys come between us and try to talk to her and touch her. i pull her away eventually. they start yelling at us and bullshit. they yell at me saying “you’re not even cute! you? you’re ugly as hell. people only talk to you because your friend’s cute!” (this was already how i felt since the beginning so this dude like solidified my feelings) abby doesn’t say anything and we hide in a smoke shop for a little bit until they pass. we start walking again and eventually come across them, this time the guys are yelling at me for protecting abby. they corner me and her and abby goes “wait why are you guys fighting? cant you guys just be friends?” literally after they disrespected me and called me all these names. dude says he’s got money and a big property and that she should remember his name, she literally notes it down. says we should apologize to each other and im like ??? what ??? bro are u dead ass????  this dude literally tried to hit me and she wants ME to APOLOGIZE ???? - that was the last night of the trip and she didnt get why i was so upset for several reasons. i hide away and cry for two hours. she comes up and finds me and i try to talk to her about how i feel once we’re back in our room and im  spiling out my feelings to her and i look over and she’s literally closing her eyes like shes trying to sleep and i ask her if shes sleeping and she says no looks at me for a few seconds as i continue taking and she turns to her side and closes her eyes again. she tells me she doesnt understand, i try to explain, she tells me im making her feel dumb. i apologize and ask her if theres anything she wanted to say since we were talking out feelings out, she says nothing and closes her eyes again.

- next month, we go to a festival. she makes me drive two hours there because we agreed she’d drive back so i have time to study on the way back because i had an exam. she makes me drive on the way back too.  - that night, she slept on the bed while i slept on an actual chair lmao

- summer comes along and i make all these plans with her but she starts to reply less and i ask her “why havent we hung out?” because i saw her complainin about having nothing to do and she goes “guess we just havent made any plans” w the shrugging emoji but literally two days before i made plans for us ???????? - i texted her asking if i could swing by her place so i could get some stuff i left. we plan a time before she goes to work so we could see each other. by the time i get there, she texts me saying its outside. all my shit was bagged up n left on the curb ??? lmao and that was literally our last interaction until today. i saw her post about something that made her upset and i told her i was there for her if she needed it. like a dumbass. lmao. and she left me on read, which is fine, im not entitled to a reply but like .... im upset in a way???

[sweetcatastrophex]

This kid I know just shared this tweet on Snapchat and said: “Crazy how everyone has to be Politically Correct to the point where you can (sic) let someone know they are extremely unhealthy.”

I replied: Lizzo is popular bc black fat women are finally being represented in mainstream pop music culture when they were previously ignored, despite their obvious talents. And who isn’t encouraging exercise and good diet? Bc she does… lol she posts about her exercises all the time. And I’m posting this on Tumblr to add: If there’s an obesity epidemic in the country, why does the onus fall on her, an individual, to coach every person through their diet and exercise habits? Why is that burden on her? I didn’t see Watkins criticize Rick Ross or Action Bronson for not encouraging exercise... Not to mention that obesity is linked to genetic factors. So again, why is it her job to denounce obesity rather than doctors’?

Gonna just log our convo. He said: It took her how long to do it. and it’s not healthy to be the size she is, there’s no excuse for putting your own body through something like that and then pass it off as normal. it’s not I said: but he said it is normal when he stated there’s an obesity epidemic. it’s a widespread issue. how do you know she hasn’t been exercising since she was 8? you don’t. bc she’s fat she can’t sing in public? why didn’t that guy criticize Rick Ross? Action Bronson? Fat Joe???? He said: I actually do know she hasn’t been exercising since 8 because I did my research for this exact situation. and she’s using her platform publicly to say being the size she is is okay. also rick ross has completely transformed himself and promotes a healthy lifestyle. and action and joe aren’t using their platform to encourage obesity I said: lmao that’s not a research based finding, you don’t know her therefore you don’t know her habits especially since she was little. rick ross rapping about drugs and crimes is promoting a health lifestyle? 😂 no. so why aren’t action bronson and fat joe telling people to exercise? according to this logic they should. He said: you are deflecting so hard right now it’s hilarious. here, go yell at him *links to tweet* I said: lmao i already am on the tweet and i’m not deflecting you just don’t like that i’m pointing out the double standard. why is it her job to denounce obesity? and not doctors? He said: its not her job, imo no celebrities should voice their opinions bc it can sway the gullible. however people gotta be retarded to not understand her weight is beyond unhealthy. shes also whats happening now, you cant dwell on the past. and doctors do but thanks to trump everyone thinks doctors dont know shit also u cant say shit about the rappers “promoting drugs” as if we both dont smoke 😂 I said: i think celebs should absolutely use their platforms to spread awareness about issues. and Fat Joes and Actions weight is also obviously unhealthy so where are the tweets about that? or news stories from the past? ... weed isn’t a drug in my eyes, or a healing one rather than harmful one. i’m talking about the oxys and xannys and cocaine that they all love to promote which actually contribute to deaths He said: we have evolved from past mistakes. i would think shed wanna better her future and this generation. guess i was wrong I said: is that why DJ Khaled is so famous? lol letting fat people perform is “past mistakes?” yikes. again, she exercises regularly and it’s not her job to influence an entire generation. and obesity is linked to genetics He said: that man is so unhealthy idk how he’s alive tbh. and no perform is not the problem (or something like that). the mistake is allowing yourself to get like that. and yes it is but it’s not 100% the cause. being careless is too I said: yeah but some people could exercise every day til they turn blue in the face and still not be skinny He said: me I said: doesn’t make them unworthy of performing He said: where are you getting this performance from. I have no problem with ppl performing whatever size or shape I said: bc lizzo is a performer. so then what’s the problem He said: she promotes her obesity. that’s not a good thing I said: how? how does she promote obesity? i see her posting about exercise and healthy eating 🤔 He said: got u hold on *links to Lizzo says body positivity has become too commercialized...* I said: body positivity is commercialized. i’ll ask again how is she promoting obesity? He said: did u read the article. heres another *links to blacknews.com/... legrand h clegg lizzo image of...* (TLDR black people flaunt their degradation, and other shocking misogynistic and racist comments) I said: yeah did u? lolll He said: yes I said: so you still haven’t said how she promotes obesity He said: the article explained it. shes normalizing it I said: but obesity is already normal since it’s widespread. then fat joe and dj khaled are promoting it too He said: yes they are. also i love how you deflect it to someone else. and just because something is widespread that doesn’t make it normal. thats like saying covid is normal and we should just live with it instead of do something about it I said: nah you should look up the definition of normal. and its not deflecting (lol) it’s pointing out the double standard. they’re all top charts musicians. so why call out lizzo and not dj khaled He said: i have plenty of times when he was relevant. why not accept the fact its serious I said: he’s still relevant he produces songs. again lizzo isn’t a doctor so the responsibility doesn’t fall on her. plus you said celebs shouldn’t comment on things He said: but they do anyway so if they dont like the backlash then they can hop off social media. and like you said theyre “performers” he doesn’t perform because of his health. no disrespect but you don’t seem like you researched khaled at all I said: 😂 you dont need to research dj khaled to know he’s been performing. again double standard to not bash him while ur at it. and celebs have every right to post whatever they want to just like me and u He said: oh so everyone is the same? I said: everyone has the same freedom of speech He said: correct. im talking about the obesity I said: what about it He said: how serious it is I said: it is serious and doctors should talk about it more He said: 100%

[conchstellations]

watching the 1990 LOTF movie!! my reactions:

hello all!!!! i was bored at midnight again so here it is: me watchin the 1990 movie, for the first time, hell yeah!!!!! here we go!!! its got the other movie to live up to, so im excited for a comedy lmao!! tl;dr at end if u want!!! its kinda long btw lmao

- castle rock entertainment??? piggy u better watch out bro

- fuck is that the pilot???

- k this isnt a big thing but why are they in water? the plane left a scar in the earth, they were on land.

- okay, again, me nitpicking. but idk, to me, they dont look 12?? maybe its just cause theyre all dressed up n that but they dont look like 12 yr olds to me like the last movie

- why tf does ralph (?) have a glowstick lmaooooo

- why are they all together. where is my conch. wher are my stupid ass choir outfits. maybe im not there yet and they have them, but i want my stupid cloaks!!! jack would not stand for this!!!

- why TF is the pilot alive???

- am i supposed to know whos who by now?? did i just miss that?? which ones ralph? which ones jack?? wheres simon???

- conch??? the conchs main job is to bring them together, and here theyre already together so???

- piggy already makin me love him gosh piggy is child

- okay so im guessing brown hair kid is ralph

- piggy protecting conch rights

- i do like piggys sass... very iconic

- okay whAT??? is that blonde kid supposed to be jack?? first off, jack has red hair. second off, there is no way in hELL THAT MY basTARD child jack merridew would let ralph win the election just like that??? wheres my choir??? wheres my c sharp???

- okay jack would for sure call piggy shitbrain nvm

- mY CHOIR WOULD NOT ACCEPT THAT SINGING. 

- wheres simon????

- r they fuckin cookin lizards??? nvm look away simon pls dont be in this

- is thAT BITCH supposed to be Simon?? hes got a lot to look up to. also why the FUCK is the adult alive. taht ruins the whole purpose of the entire book

- was that a dream??? sorry im dumb af lmao

- alrght simon is kind of an adorable hild and he likes lizard maybe hes valid?

- idk.. for some reason this ralph isnt like, giving me ralph vibes?? hes just not bring like ralphish u know??

- now im getting a little bit more of our beloved lil bitch ralph..

- okay wtf is going on lmao

- “SHOVE THEIR DICK IN THE CONCH” had me laughing for a solid fucking 30 minutes. william golding who??? whoever wrote that line is the new icon

- ‘EAT SHIT AND DIE”  okay wtffff im so confused but also vv entertained

- for some reason jack’s character is like 100% off, but also somehow 100% on point “thats exactly what i meant” like holy shit. like idk hes not jack but just sometimes he radiates “jack if he was allowed to swear and was less of a lil bitch” energy

- ok simon and lizard?? valid

- i swear to FUCKING GOD i will kill that child!!!

- im gonna cry. wtf. why would you kill his lizard. even this movie’s jack seems like he thinks thats fucked up and hes a psychopath. also, lemme say, at this point, i think most of the book characters would beat the shit out of someone if they were mean to simon like that, bc the choir were his friends, and ralphs tribe respected him, sooooo

- why tf is it simons job to take care of the adult that shouldnt even be there? liek wtf hes grieving asshole

- no fucking duh hes scared of everyone but simon i would be too 

- honestly kinda glad they let ralph say fuck he deserved it

- “back off man im sick of ur shit and sos my gang” fuckin got em

- let me guess pilot dude is the new beast???

- honestly wtf is goin on lmao

- okay piggys actor actually made me sd when he was crying about his glasses so good job

- simon comin through with the glowstick. also, good job simon

- well at least the lord of the flies looks terrifying as always

- are samneric putting on warpaint this early?? bc i WILL NOT stand for that shit. i am a samneric STAN Ok??? they were two of the tHREE left when simon died who didnt become cowards and go savage. they wree LOYAL to ralph until they were LITERALLY tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then they helped ralph!!!! so fuck u. samneric are better than that.

- oh simon :(

- im glad they actually kind of (?) shwed simon like with the pig head bc last movei it was just ike them flipping the camera from pig to si so idkk

- ok that was a pretty ralph move to bring up the fire 24/7 lmao

- piggytits?? tf

- simon with hus fuckin glowstick lmao

- awe, simon

- okay HOLY SHIT. the sounds of what i assume to be them fucking stabbing simon are horrific. and then that cut to simon’s fucking mutiliated corpse?? holy SHIT. like as much as im complaining, thats the gruesome shit i expect from this book. i was expecting them to shy away from it bc its so awful, but im SO glad they didnt, bc that gave me fuckin chills. finally, something i can praise them on. thats the lord of the flies i expect. 

- i feel bad for ralph.. good job

- ok good. samneric came back. good job again.

- ok. nvm. the disrespect to my loyal children. alright.

- okay that child screaming as hes being whipped?? wtf.

- ok that line of piggy being scared that the russians will take them nad make them go into the olympics? gold. 

- piggys laugh is so pure

- why the fuCK are they finding instruments lmao

- poor piggy

- did roger just wolf whistle at ralph what the fuck is going on

- holy SHIt this movie does not hold back on the blood. but, wheres my conch explosion?? if ur gonna show him getting hit u gotta show the conch exploding. although, the conch means like nothing in this movie lmao

- okay wow piggys dead body cool cool cool

- ralph fucking YEETED that kid to the ground lmao

- okay, ralph crying?? good acting

tl;dr/conclusion/my thoughts: hooooo boy so i see why everyone likes 1960 one better. 

first, lets start with the obvious: why this isnt lord of the flies. because its not. if this wasnt telling me that its lord of the flies, i would think of it as that, really. first off, the conch. the conch represents civility, it brings them together. its important. when piggy dies, it dies, representing how all civility is now gone. i maybe saw the conch three times this movie. didnt do anything.

second, the pilot, captain whatever. the point of the beast to me is that they made it up. sure, the corpse was real, but it didnt pose a threat, it was simply a corpse. they made it into what it was, therefore proving that they are the beast. sure, the pilot here was harmless, but he grbbed a boy’s foot and was therefore making himself a possible threat. maybe its not a big deal i guess.

third, the characters. the point of lord of the flies is that they are rich kids who havent gone through anything. theyre the perfect, spoiled kids who havent done anything wrong. half of them are in choir. chOIR. in this movie, lets take jack for example. they said he stole  a car and got sent to military school. no. the point of jack is that he was a perfect kid. leader of choir. he was manipulitive and got even ADULTS to trust him. its part of hs character, showing that this perfect choir leader kid went fucking insane to prove how literally everyone can be evil. also samneric???? the direspect!! they were loyal to ralph until they were tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then, after roger like beat the shit out of them, they were STILL loyal. fuck you.

so those are the MAIN reasons why it wasnt lotf. 

now, what i liked i guess.

the swearing was NOT lotf, and it didnt fit with the story, but ill admit that i laughed, so i guess thats a plus.

second, i liked how they showed the gore, i guess? sounds weird, hear me out. lord of the flies is a gruesome, violent, awful book. theres descriptions of death in detail, and im so glad they showed it. when simon’s body was there, literally torn to shreds? the shock of it, the true savagery you see that these boys murdered him SO violently, is amazing, because thats the essence of lotf. simons death shows how theyve lost all their civility, and showing such a gruesome corpse really brings that through. so good job.

and now, of course, the obvious: thats not the characters i pictured when i read the story. simon doesnt look like that, ralph doesnt look like that, jack doesnt look like that.

 where did the choir go, too? forgot to mention that, and i think that also adds into the whole, theyre supposed to be perfect kids and then become savage thing. also, the choir was a group. they voted for jack and went with him for a reason. 

so yea, thats that. dont know why people would read this lmao but thats my thoughts!!!! i just need to keep myself busy when i watch movies and to make sure i focused, i figured id just write down my thoughts as i went. if u wanna watch for free, look up lord of the flies 1990 google drive. 

;)))) and yea im posting this at 230 am lmao why not

[frankensteindotpdf]

TGWDLM and Love

Okayyyy so I was supposed to write an assignment on how a romantic movie expresses love and I asked my prof if I could write about tgwdlm instead and he said yes?? Bless him so anyway I made wayyyy too many notes for a 500-600 word assignment lmao so I felt like i might as well post em here… this is a compilation of every time Paul and Emma interact pretty much lol its hella long (im not kidding it’s like 7 pages rip) so under the cut :) 

finally done, @isaidsinggoddammit!!

Sidenote: There’s very mixed capitalization as my brain flipped between tumblr mode and assignment mode so excuse that lmao)

Coffee Shop Part 1

Tips well to impress her

Listens to her vent-she already feels comfy enough to rant to him or, alternatively, she’s just a really open person (but shhh she has to trust him to some extent)

Insults others he doesnt know too well but he knows she doesnt like, again to impress

Tries to act indifferent towards everyone else (and tough)

Almost says smth romantic (“Some things are worth it”) but backtracks when she looks confused

In this scene, he tries to act cool but is clearly super nervous. One thing I really like is how he never acts too cool for her, like a lotta people do. He’s genuinely interested in what she has to say and never pretends otherwise, and also never pretends to be interested to get her to like him. I just really love how good he is at listening

Cup of Roasted Coffee/ Cup of Poisoned Coffee

When he panics he goes to Beanies to get a coffee and relax (wake up)

He turns to Emma (subconsciously?) for comfort

Freaks out when she sings (for good reason)

Emma remembers him (“Paul, right?... You’re the guy who doesn’t like musicals”)

Doesnt seem to notice how weird he’s acting

Continues to vent

He pulls her away from the counter to explain what’s going on

Paul finds it important to tell her-she’s the first person he admits it to

Him venting to her like she does to him? Trying to connect in a similar way? Im reading too much into that

He holds her there while explaining, she has to find an excuse to pull away

She thinks he’s crazy-keeps glancing at him during the song (he looks terrified)

Seems concerned for him

He switches between nervously staring at her and anxiously staring into the void (mood)

She turns to him at the “end” of the song and comes near him in the middle

She runs to paul when they start singing

They grab each other

He tells her to run, pushes her forward and shifts so he’s between her and the aliens

This scene is reeeally creepy from Emma’s perspective like oh my gosh can you imagine a man yelling at you (not at you but at your singing but still) and pulling you away from your work and then holding you still when you try to leave??? Anxiety to the max poor babe but also i get paul’s side can you imagine seeing the whole apocalypse beginning and it’s so weird no one would believe you if you tried to tell them? Poor bb. There’s also a lot of things that come up later: the ways he holds emma in this scene is the same way he holds her later one, later it’s to comfort her but  this time it’s more to calm himself… he also pulls her to a better spot like he does later on

Trash Bin Scene

He leads her away-he knows the neighbourhood better

Tries learning about her (you like film?) (cmon paul bad timing)

(at trash) hold hands, she grabs his shirt while panicking

He holds her firmly by the shoulders to calm & comfort (parallels Cuppa)

Emma instinctively grabs Paul’s arm when Bill pops out

“Emma stays with us”-stands up to ted even though he looks pretty scared of him

(sidenote-what did ted do to Paul? The poor boy looks straight up terrified the first time he shows up)

Emma looks real confused about “latte hottay” but she never brings it up

“Paul!” when he runs to Charlotte-gestures at Paul near end of song

Paul tends to comfort people by grabbing their shoulders/putting a hand on their back (Emma of course but also Charlotte and Bill- has a looser hold on them than Emma)

Here they’re already starting to react to danger by reaching for each other and it’s v cute also bless paul i just really like how he calms people down he’s so good and pure

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 1

They trust Emma enough to go to Hidgens’ place (not like they had many other options)

Men™ typically trusted for “strong” stuff-Ted and Bill cuff Sam

Paul stands up for Bill-such a protective boy (could also be doing it to look cool for Emma but tbh it doesnt seem like it ill bring this up again later)

Paul listens intently to Emma’s venting

He smiles, nods, asks qs and repeats phrases she says

Its obvious he genuinely cares

Emma’s v comfy with him-they have an easy chem when Paul relaxes

Emma progressively shares deeper shit as she becomes more comfortable around paul

Paul makes jokes to lighten the mood, but not in a disrespectful way

Seems more nervous when bringing topics to himself

She listens just as politely as he does

“Whoa thats like your origin story...so I guess I’m the supervillain” “I dont think of you like that at all, Emma.” Cutest, Softest smiles on both of them my heART “Listen, Paul”-she was about to confess her love dammit charlotte

I’ve said it before and i’ll say it again: Paul is such a good listener. I dont know why i find this so cute but their convos are so perfect like he asks qs so he knows exactly what she’s talking about (“what’s a coatimundi?” “Oh, did she smoke a lot of pot?”) and he repeats back phrases she says which shows that he’s genuinely listening like...so many characters (and people irl, lets be real)  just pretend to listen to get what they want but he cares so much about what she has to say i just cant stop talking about it it’s so cute also how he seems so comfortable when she’s talking and then starts showing sign of nervousness again when the convo turns to him? Pure mood

Join Us And Die

Both jump behind chair when Charlotte and Sam show up

Emma clings to Paul’s arm + hides behind him

She steps out “charlotte?”

Paul pulls her back when sam approaches

Paul puts himself between Emma and Sam

Emma puts her back to Paul and grabs his arm

Paul pulls Emma away by her arm (“What’s wrong with her shirt?”)

Emma’s caught up in the gore, Paul is relatively level-headed

He keeps an arm around her

Emma steps away from paul to yell at Sam +Char (“He has a daughter!!”)

Instinctively reaches for Paul  when Char gets shot (and later looks back at paul a couple of times when shook at prof hidgens)

Alright they do this whenever aliens show up so imma just talk about it here: this part was in my assignment so 1 lets hope it doesnt get flagged as plagiarism and 2 i could rant about this all day.

Basically Paul fulfills the traditional masculine role as protector and leader. Whenever smth dangerous shows up, he has one hand on her (on her shoulder, arm or the small of her back)-both reassuring them that someone else is there and making it easier for him to move her-which he does lots. He pulls her behind him or pushes her forward (away from the infected), leading her to where he thinks is safest. He always puts himself between her and the aliens, leading her to a safer spot. Emma tends to get distracted (emotional female stereotype) and paul is the one to move them both to safety (strong stoic man stereotype). To be fair, he is a lot bigger than emma and would probs have an easier time in a fight (tho i dont doubt that emma would be v i c i o u s) Emma tend to cling to Paul’s arm when she gets scared (which is really cute)

Hidgens’ Fortress Part 2

Emma adds to Paul’s plan- taps on his arm to move him

Paul steps back in front of her- i always found this weird, he totally blocks her from the conversation like why

She steps back out to roast ted

Paul looks at Emma when Ted @s him-now here’s where I could see him standing up for Bill to impress emma again. It’s not the only reason, but i do think it’s a contributing factor (and probably was before too cuz lets be real, when your crush is around you gotta act tough) of course he wants to protect his bff but he’s super anxious around ted so wanting to look brave for emma gives him that extra push he needs. Alternatively, he looks at Emma as a way to calm himself down before saying smth scary (which is adorable)

Emma wants to help but is called back to help with the lab

This is another thing i find super interesting-wouldnt more people around make it more likely he gets stopped? Did he want an audience (more than just ted) cuz i guess that’s understandable but in that case why didnt he wait a little longer to see if they came back? Idk it just seemed weird to me (also the whole “nooo female cant go out where it’s dangerous” even though it’s more like “oh emma’s the only one i know here can she not leave” wait actually that’s probably it lmao he just didnt wanna be alone with ted ok relatable nvm )

“Hey, Paul?” grabs arms (paul reciprocates) she’s real nervous for him leaving-relates to how much he hates musicals

I find that really cute cuz it’s showing once again how much they listen to each other and idk i just really like that about them

Grabs his face and pulls him close-he pulls her hands down to look her in the eyes to tell her he’ll stay safe

He doesn’t kiss her-super interesting! She pulled him close like that (which coulda been a sign to kiss her) and this was a pretty emotionally charged moment which a kiss would have fit - Paul hates kisses hc?

Not Your Seed + General (technically, just a little note)

Paul holds Emma tight with 2 hands, but keeps 1 hand free when holding others (ie bill and charlotte)

Only tells General about Emma, not Ted or the Prof (tho to be fair, he hates ted and barely knows the prof but it’s interesting how he doesnt even say he has “friends”, just Emma)

America Is Great Again

Paul saves emma and Ted

“Should I take this chair?” asks paul to lead

Emma holds Paul’s arm when they run

She tries to pry “Greg”’s arm off Paul + tries to get Ted to help-not strong enough

“Thank you Emma”-she freed him/killed Greg? I wanna know what happened (i tweeted @ jon, lauren and nick asking, so far jon just liked it we’ll see if anyone answers)

Runs behind Emma + pushes her forward “run, emma, run!”-Emma grabs for Paul, he steps in front

He pulls her through Robert+Corey and turns her around

She pulls him away from the General-paul usually does the pulling to safety

Paul doesnt notice when Emma is grabbed by Ted (lmao i get that he’s a little busy but it still seems odd)

She struggles with 1, 3 are on Paul (not a sexist thing, she’s tiny and also Paul is the main character and the aliens know it plus they gotta do that cool lift thing)

Emma grabs gun + shoots the General, grabbing Paul-”Paul! The helicopter! Cmon!”

Usually Paul does that stuff, but emma takes the protective role more in the 2nd half of this song

Basically we have the classic paul protecting emma stuff but now also the emma protecting paul which is good and fresh and i love...the way she tries to protect paul is different than how he protects her. She yells more frantically, and also is more of trying to lead him whereas paul yells to get her attention and physically moves her himself

Helicopter Scene

He helps her onto the heli, back to his usual protective self

Keeps one hand on the back of her seat the whole time (aww he’s stabilizing himself physically cuz the copter’s shaky and emotionally cuz he’s closer to Emma)

“Emma, seatbelts” he reaches up to help her into her seat-he kicks the gun to save them

“Emma? Emma?” immediate response is to call out to her-that boy was literally awake less than a second before worrying about her i love him

Runs to her when he sees her

“”This is what seatbelts are for” in this scene he seems really like...over it? Idk if anyone else got that he just seemed really intent on destroying the meteor instead of anything to do with Emma… before saving their lives was priority but also spending time with her, here he nods like he’s trying to rush her and does not seem excited to kiss her (again, Paul hates kisses? ok that was a rant that got ahead of my notes but just-) this scene is weird to me like maybe he’s trying to rush to stop the meteor so they can be together after and like not die idk anymore

He reaches out for her, jumping away when she cries out in pain

The rest of the scene he has his hands hovering a few inches away from her, very protective but also very scared of hurting her

Emma comes up with the solution, Paul has to do it cuz she’s hurt (weak gal, strong man, injured person knows secret to survival and tells strong boi how to do it tropes)

“Hey, Paul?” slides over to him-he gingerly supports her back (scared to hurt her)

He shushes her to calm her while talking cuz she’s in pain- ok, maybe its less about “gotta get out of here” and more about “she’s hurt really badly and needs help asap, i gotta destroy that meteor so i can get help” ok that makes sense im dumb lmao

Emma is first to ask out + kiss me? + pulling him in by his tie- breakin stereotype of man making first move

Then the little “..okay..” after she asks him to kiss her...maybe he wanted it to be romantic aww he wanted them to have a real cute first kiss and this wasnt what he had planned (or he just doesn’t like kisses cuz like he looks so uncomfortable there’s gotta be a reason”

He doesnt wanna kiss her cuz of the blood (weak) and is happy to leave-this part is what throws me off most he just like runs on outta there with no hesitation but he loves her?? I dont get it

Dont really need a rant here cuz i did a lotta ranting in the points… excuse my little journey of discovery there lmao I was just confused at first cuz at face value he seems really different, super hell bent on getting out of there whereas in every other scene he pays way more attention to Emma. I suppose it’s because he knows he has to destroy the meteor asap so he can get her help, i just didnt catch that. His motivations seemed very different in this scene to me and i couldnt figure out why

Theory time

Now here’s the fun part-i saw a theory somewhere that Paul can only get infected because he has a true goal now, he really wants to end up with Emma. In What Do You Want, Paul? Mr. Davidson is trying to find out what he wants to use it as motivation to make him more susceptible to the virus/make him sing a song, but since Paul doesn’t want anything clearcut he cant be infected. Now, since Paul wants Emma, he has a goal and smth to fight for but also smth to sing about. The very reason he’ trying to save the world becomes the reason he fails.

HOWEVER. His goal could just as easily be saving the world cuz he literally doesnt bring emma up once? Like i get he’s preoccupied but idk if he’s about to die i feel like he’d at least mention her (unless he’s hoping they think she died and wont go looking for her if he fails) idk their romance is adorable until the scene before this and then these 2 scenes make it feel really off for me

Okay now onto the most fun scene >:) -since there’s so many details i separated them into actions and lyrics

Inevitable (Actions)

“Are you sure there weren’t any other survivors?” :(

“PEIP would like to see it become smth more” because she’s the love interest and they’re supposed to end up together ahhh it’s the alien talking

She grabs his arms to look him in the eyes then pulls him in for a hug (the cutest)

She’s v reluctant to believe it at first “Paul?” She’s still smiling for the first line

Slowly she starts to let herself see what’s happening “Paul, you’re scaring me”

She knows he’s infected but she’s trying her hardest to believe he could be playing a cruel joke

He has power over her physically- holds her where he wants her while they’re dancing

He dances with her at first, gestures to her to move closer, talks to her, moves towards dancing at her instead of with

He blocks her exit, pulls her to where he wants her and ignores her for part

This is where you can really tell he’s different. Paul would never ignore Emma, and he straight up ignores her to sing and dance

He points at her and then goes back to ignoring her

Emma starts sobbing and really trying to run

Emma is dragged to the center of the stage sobbing because she cant do anything

He drops character in credits, waving and smiling to the audience; she doesnt

He’s got physical power over her (strength) but also cuz he’s backed by all the aliens who can move her where she’s supposed to go

Inevitable (lyrics)

“Emma, I’m sorry, you lost.” couldnt kill aliens

“Lost your way” didnt want to join them

“I made it” ‘This is the life that I chose” “I’m still the man you trust” “what if the only choice is you had to sing to survive” “Put words to the lyrics and you’re playing the game now” -maybe he’s faking it (i also heard someone mention the fact that he sings in his natural voice and not the higher one he used for the Alien Brain in Let It Out which is a good catch) (also someone else brought up the fact that he was mostly singing reprises, maybe because he couldnt think up his own tune/entirely original lyrics?)

“It’s inevitable for us”-because she’s the love interest, it’s was inevitable that they’d wind up together

“Show me those jazz hands” He’s trying to convince her to join of her own free will

“or i might be inclined to plant my seed” but is willing to do it by force if she wont

This song is super interesting because of the parallels-he holds her the same way he did in previous songs, pulls and pushes her across the stage like before, but this time it’s turned against her. What was once meant as protection is now being used to force her to join the dance I talked more about this in my assignment but i dont wanna get too close to what i wrote before because it could get flagged for plagiarism and i do not want that so imma reblog this post alter and add my assignment for more info (if yall want anyway)

The lyrics could hint at Paul faking it, and it definitely appears that way (especially with the face he makes at “Im still the man you trust) but i think the part in the middle where he just kind of breaks off to dance really kills that idea for me. Even if he was trying to trick the aliens, he could have kept closer to Emma like he does every other time they’re in danger, and the fact that he straight up ignores her and lets the aliens move her around like that is just not in his character so apologies but i believe our man is gone

Also, regarding the theories that Emma is infected because of the beginning; I could see that happening, but in that case, why didnt she break character at the end? I have absolutely zero idea how/if the intro song fits into the story but idk i feel like she should’ve acted like the rest of them if she really was infected but on the other hand i really like the heartbreaking theory that they’re all infected and Paul just has to keep reliving the story of how he failed again and again for all eternity like ouch? But also? Its great in a painful way??

Um yeah so that’s that for my ranting (my 3 pages of notes became 7 pages with the rants included so sorry about that i just had so much to sayyyy

TLDR: paul and emma are cute thanks for coming to my ted talk

[priincesspacificaarchive]

💍 + Elipper *

WEDDING MEME||ACCEPTING 

[under the cut bc it’s looonngg.]

where they get married 

gf probs??? outside. there’s a a chuppah, and elise+her side of the wedding party are wearing yellow and flower crowns (except elise is wearing white i guess?) the chuppah has daisies and the crowns are made of daisies. 

when they get married ( ie what time of day, what month and season etc. )

it’s summer, daytime, maybe early june. like when they first met or something else rly sappy.  

what traditions they include ( do they get married under a chuppah and crush a glass, garter toss, ‘something borrowed, something blue,’ etc. ) 

they definitely try very hard to combine their two traditions. i’ve always loved the idea of the pines family being jewish and with pacifica and elise being puerto rican and wanting to reconnect with their own heritage i think it’d make perfect sense for them to try and combine their two traditions. like there’s a chuppah, but the flowers on it are daisies and ampola flowers. elise carries a fan, but she and dipper also circle each other. they sign a ketubah, with their twin sister’s signing as witnesses. dipper’s parents walk him to the chuppah, but paz walks elise since their parents are in jail. they break a glass and cheer “mazel tov”. there’s the bedeken. the Seven Blessings are read, and soft music is played as in puerto rican tradition. not only do i love cultures in general, but i love blending them, and i think elise and dipper would try very hard to incorporate their heritage into their wedding. obviously i’m neither of these things, but i’ve done some minor research and i’m hoping these are accurate. (google don’t fail me now.) 

what their wedding cake looks likes 

it’s pineapple flavored, as puerto rican custom decides. and white with blue and yellow seashells. i was originally gonna ind a cake thing and try to make it but honestly i’m too tired of these things i just want them out of my drafts!

….who smashes cake into whose face 

elise in dipper’s first, then he goes to feed her a piece all nice like and smashes it into her nose to keep from ruining her hair or makeup too much. boy knows that shit takes WORK.

who proposed to who firsts

lowkey wanna say elise at least brought it up first. dipper def got the ring and officially proposed first.

who walks down the aisle and who waits at the altar ( or neither )

dipper is walked to the chuppah ahead of elise by his parents, then elise follows being guided by pacifica.

what their wedding dresses / suits / other look like

elise’s is white with yellow accents and it’s just long and flowy and soft looking with minimal beading/embroidery.

what their wedding colour scheme is and what sort of decor they have

light yellow and probably light blue? like sky blue and sunflower yellow. idk about decor okay i’m cLUELESS ABOUT WEDDING DECOR.

what flowers are in the bouquet ( if applicable. bonus: what do the flowers mean?)

daffodils (meaning new beginnings) and forget-me-nots (meaning, well, forget me not), wrapped in baby’s breath (meaning everlasting love) (sunflowers mean false riches and yellow roses mean infidelity so those were NOS) there’s also ampola, as tradition states, and elise also carries an ampola fan.

what their vows are ( eg poetry, traditional, improvised etc. )

they def had they’re own vows but dipper’s ended with “i promise to be your earth and your sky forever.” and elise’s was like “i promise to be your sun and your flame, forever and ever

if anyone’s late to the wedding

it’s gideon bc he didn’t wanna come xD no fr it’s probably no one. everyone they invite is very excited to see them get married so they wouldn’t try to be disrespectful like that.

who’s in the bridal parties / groomsmen / other

elise has paz and robbie, dipper has wendy and mabel. robbie and wendy get paired up but they havent been together in half of forever so they dont care. tbh robbie’s probs married to tambry w a baby on the way by now lets face it. and elise only picked him bc she knew he’d be easier to pair w wendy. also sorry dip u have no friends outside the galaxy square. (psst, actually none of them do bc fuck it i’m no good w npcs.)

what their bridal party / groomsmen / other are wearing

paz’s bridesmaid dress is soft and flowy and bright yellow with a daisy flower crown. robbie/mabel/wendy are wearing black tuxes with ties that match the bridesmaid dress. everyone is wearing a daisy flower crown. except dipper.

who gives speeches at the reception ( bonus: what do they say? recount a sweet memory or two between them? tell an embarrassing story? )

pacifica talks about how she’s watched their love blossom since they were twelve, mabel tells embarrassing stories about some of the adventures they went on together. the mic is then opened to the floor and gideon and stan rush it to tell embarrassing stories next. stan’s turns tearful when he talks about dipper finally becoming a man. it’s a very emotional day.

who catches the bouquet( s )

candy. who promptly looks at her date with “oh shit” eyes.

what their wedding photos are like ( are they sweet, with the couple holding hands or kissing or ~gazing into each others eyes~? are they silly, with a snapshot of the ‘cake-smash’ moment? or are they artistic, with one of them facing the sunset or holding their bouquets? )

most of them are sweet, pictures of them smiling and laughing together. there’s photos of the cake smashing, dipper gives her a piggyback ride in her dress and heels in one. some of them are silly. capturing goofy faces they make at each other to get them to laugh. it’s like taking pictures of the essence of their relationship. they put them in an actual album that mabel helps with.

what sort of food they have at the reception

they probably try to continue to combine their traditions by using some of purto rico’s local dishes and some traditional jewish dishes. (look i’m doing some minor research here okay. if i keep googling this stuff my family’s gonna think i’m secretly engaged or something.)

who cries first during the ceremony

it’s definitely a close tie but it’s dipper, cause he sees her first. then elise. then mabel. then paz. then stan is bawling in his seat but like. in a manly way. also soos is crying.

how wild their reception gets ( who dances the best, who gets drunk first, etc. )

mabel and elise set off ffirecrackers and almost get arrested. thank god for sheriff blubbs and deputy durland. toby determined crashed and got shitfaced and tore up the dancefloor. paz and elise danced together instead of a father/daughter dance, which they’d done for pacifica’s wedding the day before. they had a joint celebration dinner the night before that. robbie and tambry like, barely left each other’s sides but it’s fine bc dipper barely left elise’s. they had one of those photobooths and the main four spent like hours getting amazing pictures. those ALSO go in the album.

what their rings are like

simple gold bands. elise’s wedding ring is probably the ring dipper gifted her during the ceremony. her engagement ring is a gold band with a white diamond center surrounded by yellow accent diamonds.

what sort of favours they have ( heart shaped sparklers, mini champagne bottles, personalised candy etc. )

they definitely had something sun and sky-themed. idk what tho. also they passed out capias for puerto rican tradition.

where they go for their honeymoon

they go camping out in some really nice woods and like, mountain-y area. elise fucking loves it.

something memorable that happens during the party / ceremony ( do they run out of ice and someone goes to get it in full formal wear on foot, does anyone fall asleep in the middle of the party, etc. )

its gf so lots of things happen but tbh the most memorable is people drunkenly asking the twins (even w their VERY different hair) why they’re not dancing w so-and-so and still getting them confused. also if anyone is running out for ice in full formal wear its robbie bc ngl that shits hILARIOUS to my currently sleep-addled brain.

who officiates the ceremony

i want it to be mayor tyler for some reason

what song their first dance is to

‘close to you’ by the carpenters bC IM A SUCKER FOR IT. also the soft sound is too perfect for elipper im cry. if not that it’d be a soft live rendition of “i can’t help (falling in love with you)” bc that’s literally on the elipper playlist.

who gives who away as they walk down the aisle

as it’s a chuppah it’s dipper and then elise. (ngl i love all this tradition stuff i feel like my wedding is gonna be some boring christian traditional thing and that makes me wanna cry bruh.)

[lgbt-i-guess]

1-170 for those honest asks

1: How tall or short do you wish you were?

idk 5′5″?

2: What’s your dream pet? (Real or not)

snaek

3: Do you have a favourite clothing style?

I rly like darker clothes

4: What was your favourite video game growing up?

alien vs predator

5: What three things/people do you think of most each day:

bf

my friend Caitlin

kai

6: If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

emotionally unavailable for a while

7: What is your opinion on [insert person/thing here]?

u didn't insert the thing

8: What is your Greek personality type? [Sanguine, Phlegmatic, Choleric, or Melancholic]

phlegmatic

9: Are you ticklish?

very

10: Are you allergic to anything?

not anymore

11: What’s your sexuality?

atm I'm going for gay ace

12: Do you prefer tea, coffee, or cocoa?

cocoa

13: Are you a cat or dog person?

cat

14: Would you rather be a vampire, elf, or merperson?

vampire honestly

15: Do you have a favourite Youtuber?

callmekevin, graystillplays, or rtgames

16: How tall are you?

5′1″

17: If you had to change your name, what would you change it to?

like legally? either spencer cade or kai

18: How much do you weigh? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

idk? i think abt 57kg

19: Do you believe in ghosts/spirits?

yes

20: Do you like space or the ocean more?

spaece

21: Are you religious?

not rly

22: Pet peeves?

leaving the door open when ive asked to close it

23: Would you rather be nocturnal or diurnal [opposite of nocturnal]?

nocturnal

24: Favorite constellation?

orion

25: Favorite star?

idk

26: Do you like ball-jointed dolls?

not rly?

27: Any phobias or fears?

bugs that fly

28: Do you think global warming is real?

yeah

29: Do you believe in reincarnation?

yeah

30: Favorite movie?

idk rn

31: Do you get scared easily?

kinda

32: How many pets have you own in your lifetime?

47 if u consider every animal thats lived in the house

33: Blog rate? [You’ll rate the blog of the one who’s asking.]

5/10 ig ur anonymous

34: What is a colour that calms you?

blue

35: Where would you like to travel and/or live?

i wanna see mountains

36: Where were you born?

england

37: What is your eye colour?

blue

38: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert but also i have no shame

39: Do you believe in horoscopes and zodiacs?

yeah

40: Hugs or kisses?

both is good

41: Who is someone you would like to see/visit right now?

bf

42: Who is someone you love deeply?

bf

43: Any piercings you want?

ears

44: Do you like tattoos and piercings?

I DO

45: Do you smoke or have you ever done so?

i have not but my mum did

46: Talk about your crush, if you have one!

aaaaaaaaaaaa okay so

ive mostly been able to ignore this crush bc we dont talk much but hes so good im love him and idk what to say s o

47: What is a sound you really hate?

scrapping

48: A sound you really love?

bf laugh

49: Can you do a backflip?

i can not

50: Can you do the splits?

i can not

51: Favorite actor and/or actress?

tom holland

52: Favorite movie?

idk is this a repeat question

53: How are you feeling right now?

hungy

54: What colour would you like your hair to be right now?

blue. bright blue.

55: When did you feel happiest?

idk i think when my bfs and i started dating

56: Something that calms you down?

hugs

57: Have any mental conditons? [Only ask this if you know the user doesn’t mind!]

yeah i have:

- depression

- autism

- adhd

58: What does your URL mean?

well i was remaking my blogs after the age purge and i was making the discourse one and went “okay what is this about” and thought “idk lgbt i guess”

59: What three words describe you the most?

idk

60: Do you believe in evolution?

yeah

61: What makes you unfollow a blog?

not much

62: What makes you follow a blog?

interesting

63: Favorite kind of person:

idk

64: Favorite animal(s):

canine

65: Name three of your favourite blogs.

@shutthefuckup-terfs @official-cisphobe @purgatorian-princess

66: Favorite emoticon:

idk

67: Favorite meme:

idk

68: What is your MBTI personality type?

idk

69: What is your star sign?

aquarius

70: Can your dog roll over on command, if you have a dog?

she can if its my brother asking

71: What outfit out of all your clothes do you like to wear the most?

i have one outfit

72: Post a selfie or two?

im p sure i already have

73: Do you have platform shoes?

no

74: What is one random but interesting fact about yourself?

idk

75: Can you do a front flip?

i can not

76: Do you like birds?

i do

77: Do you like to swim?

i do

78: Is swimming or ice skating more fun for you?

swimming

79: Something you wish didn’t exist:

trump

80: Something you wish did exist:

dragon

81: Piercings you have?

i did have my ears pierced but they healed

82: Something you really enjoy doing:

reading

83: Favorite person to talk to:

bf

84: What was your first impression of Tumblr?

it was rly nice

85: How many followers do you have?

232

86: Can you run a mile within ten minutes?

i cant run ten metres

87: Do your socks always match?

sometimes

88: Can you touch your toes and keep your legs straight completely?

i cant stand w my legs straight

89: What are your birthstones?

amethyst

90: If you were an animal, which one would you be?

idk

91: If a flower could aesthetically represent you, what kind would it be?

blac

92: A store you hate?

m&s

its nice but the sound is bad

93: How many cups of coffee can you drink in one day?

i dont

94: Would you rather be able to fly or read minds?

fly

95: Do you like to wear camo?

yes

96: Winter or summer?

winter

97: How long can you hold your breath for?

10secs

98: Least favourite person?

family

99: Someone you look up to:

idk

100: A store you love?

euro pizza

101: Favorite type of shoes

slippers

102: Where do you live?

northumberland

103: Are you a vegetarian or vegan? If so, why?

no

104: What is your favourite mineral or gem?

quartz

105: Do you drink milk?

i do im a milkdrinker

106: Do you like bugs?

no theyre demons

107: Do you like spiders?

no

108: Something you get paranoid about?

being watched

109: Can you draw:

kinda

110: Nosiest question you have ever been asked?

idk

111: A question you hate being asked?

idk

112: Ever been bitten by a spider?

no

113: Do you like the sound of waves at the beach?

yesss

114: Do you prefer cloudy or sunny days?

cloudy

115: Someone you’d like to kiss or cuddle right now:

bf

116: Favorite cloud type:

idk

117: What colour do you wish the sky was?

purpura

118: Do you have freckles?

i do not

119: Favorite thing about a person:

idk

120: Fruits or vegetables?

fruit

121: Something you want to do right now:

idk

122: Is the ocean or sky prettier?

ocean

123: Sweet or sour foods?

sweet

124: Bright or dim lights?

dim

125: Do you believe in a certain magical creature?

idk

126: Something you hate about Tumblr:

bigots

127: Something you love about Tumblr:

art

128: What do you think about the least?

idk

129: What would you want to be written on your tombstone?

“bastard at heart”

130: Who would you like to punch in the face right now?

brother

131: What is something you love but also hate about yourself?

clingyness

132: Do you smile with your teeth showing for pictures?

sometimes

133: Computer or TV?

computer

134: Do you like roller coasters?

no

135: Do you get motion sickness or seasickness?

no

136: Are your ears lobed or attached?

attached

137: Do you believe in karma?

yeah

138: On a scale of 1-10, how attractive would you say you are?

5

139: What nicknames do you have/have had?

idk

140: Did you have any pretend or imaginary friends?

yeah

141: Have you ever seen a therapist/shrink?

yeah

142: Would you say you are a good or bad influence on others?

idk

143: Do you prefer giving or receiving gifts/help?

idk

144: What makes you angry

disrespect

145: How many languages do you speak fluently?

1

146: Do you prefer boys, girls, and/or non-binaries?

boys + boy nbsz

147: Are you androgynous?

yeah

148: Favorite physical thing about yourself:

idk

149: Favorite thing about your personality:

idk

150: Name three people you would like to talk to right now in person.

bf

other bf

idk

151: If you could go back into time and live in one era, which would you choose?

idk

152: Do you like BuzzFeed?

unsolved yeah

153: How did you meet your spouse/girlfriend/boyfriend/partner? [If you have  one.]

i joined a discord server

154: Do you like to kiss others’ foreheads or hands for platonic reasons?

kinda

155: Do you like to play with others’ hair?

yeah

156: What embarrasses you?

why would i tell u

157: Something that makes you nervous/anxious:

idk

158: Biggest lie you have ever told:

idk

159: How many people are you following?

1215

160: How many posts do you have on your blog(s)?

3343

161: How many drafts do you have on your blog(s)?

1

162: How many likes do you have on your blog(s)?

2272

163: Last time you cried and why:

idk

164: Do you have long or short hair?

short

165: Longest your hair has ever been:

waist

166: Why do you like, dislike, or have neutral feelings about religion?

for the most part its dislike when it comes to organised religion but if its just personal its fine

167: Do you really care how the universe and world were created?

kinda

168: Do you like to wear makeup?

sometimes

169: Can you stand on your hands or head for more than thirty seconds?

nope

170: Did you answer the questions you were asked truthfully?

yeah

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering