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just saw someone say the reason bi lesbians are problematic is because they're inclusive of radfems, and that bi lesbians spew terf rhetoric. i dont know what kinda secret alternate universe you're living in where terfs are supportive of mspec identities but im begging you to turn on your brain cells for longer than 5 seconds at a time and then go outside instead of wallowing in queer twitter discourse made by 15 year olds 10 hours every day you fucking idiots.
terfs dont fucking like bi lesbians. terfs would rather watch us either kill ourselves than ever support our identities.
"i hate mspec lesbians because they tell people who hate men that they're sharing terf beliefs, which is exactly what terfs want!!" have you literally never seen a terf's account before in your life? they fucking hate men and want everyone in the world to know that every single man in the world no matter how old they are that they're gross ugly creatures who all hate women and want nothing more than to prey on the downfall of all women. yea, even those 6 and 12 year old boys that live next door to you. so yea, while you're posting your quirky little "i hate all men they're disgusting 🙄" posts every three days for your 400 twitter followers, you're 100% spewing terf rhetoric!! no that doesnt mean you're a fucking terf but you're sharing into their beliefs and spreading their agenda every time you do this shit which is what they want!!!!
"the term lesbian is already inclusive of trans and nonbinary people, so using the term bi/mspec lesbian is problematic because you dont think trans people can be lesbians!" look me in the eyes. do you genuinely, honest to god think that terfs care about that. do you genuinely think terfs are okay with trans people calling themselves a lesbian. terfs dont fucking care, they still want you to either detransition and realize how "evil" being trans is and follow in their beliefs, or they want you dead. a nonbinary trans man who uses he/him pronouns calling himself a bi lesbian is literally the least of your fucking worries.
i am trans and bigender. even if i just called myself solely a lesbian without the extra labels, terfs still wont fucking accept me because i am not a pure innocent 100% woman. they will not accept me even when i tell them i feel more like a woman most days than i do a man because i am not their definition of what a woman should be. "it doesnt matter what terfs say, lesbian is still inclusive of trans people!" no, it's only inclusive of trans people that you deem are good and women enough to use the label.
people love going around talking about how they're so so supportive of any and all identities and then immediately turn around and be like "hmmm but not Yours." i could be the most perfect woman in the world, but the second i so much as mention i think a man looks attractive, then i am not being a lesbian the Right way.
so who the fuck cares anymore. who cares if i use the term bisexual lesbian to identify myself? im already doing it all wrong supposedly, so who cares if im more of a problem than i already am? the queer people im supposed to share a community with would rather side on the side of terfs because im not being a lesbian in the supposedly Correct way, and no matter what i say to try defending myself I'll never be seen as a true and proper lesbian because random strangers on the internet i will never meet ever in my life has already dictated that I'm not good enough. that my existence is problematic and harmful to everyone else, completely ignorant of the fact that they're unwillingly sharing in the beliefs of transphobes, homophobes and conservatives who would like nothing more than to wipe us all out instead of standing together as a community.
but you know, putting bi lesbians on your dni or whatever is more important.
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Here at i-am-an-arson-enthusiast, we i am dedicated to bringing you top quality content such as but not limited to: gay things, random thoughts, and even live arson that you don't even have to tune into!!
hi this is my intro post :D
Hiiii!!
here, have some basic info about me :3
name: anything goes pretty much but please use multiple names :] HOWEVER not neptune as that is reserved for @marcysbear :3c
OBLIGITORY QUEER SECTION!! i say that like i dont actively want this here. anyway! the labels i use are queer, bi, lesbian, gay, genderfluid, trans, gnc, non binary, genderqueer and arospec. arospec as in i am largely aromantic and use that as an umbrella term, however i am capable romantic attraction/ am flexible with such labels bc its all bullshit anyway.
i have audhd! i get hyperfixation and sometimes talk abt that if i so wish and my special interests are space and generally queer shit. also pls use tone tags i will think u hate me im too anxious for my own good sometimes
i am dogshit at spelling so. ignore the typos and misspellings!!
if u send me chain asks dont expect me to keep the chain going, ill answer it and say thanks but i wont actually do the thing
BOUNDIES!! GENUINE, ACTUAL BOUNDRIES!
-pls don’t send dono asks i don’t got money bc im a minor
-dont think if i have a take like "i dont like taylor swift" i am personally attacking you. you can like whatever the fuck u want idc everyone is entitled to their own opinoins. i just dont like her as a person
-DONT call me the reserved names if you arent that one person
-try to refrain from calling ppl (including me) baby/babe/bae around me it makes me want to die sometimes and i dont want to constantly be a romance repulsed little shit around u guys (this means dont use those names for anyone if i am in the conversation i cant control past that) (it also isnt a problem here i dont think ive ever seen it here its really just discord tbh)
-dont ask for my discord unless were friends or close in some way and dont get offended if i say no
-u can call me a faggot or dyke or tranny as long as you are the slur you are using
-if you have my discord and were moots you can call me a slut and a whore all u want idm :3 (bc i am a slut and a whore.) (really really sorry if you didnt want to read that btw /gen)
OH TAGS UH
i try to consistanly use them but sometimes i dont. sorry.
woah i’m using queue - i’m actually queuing a post for once instead of spam reblogging (which i mostly do sorry not sorry)
woah a real text post - me positing an actual text post for once but it’s becoming more common
cool ass art - art that i reblog (it’s all cool)
arson does half way decent art sometimes - my art. art i made. yea
moots feel free to ask for tags <3
i will keep adding more as i remember them and make them so yea :D also i try to tag for things but i often dont add tw or cw because. idk. just havent ever done that. if you need me too you can tell me in any form and ill try my gaddamn hardest to add them. feel free to *kindly* remind me if i forgot. (as in no verbal abuse ya know. if ur scared ur probably fine)
~~~~
i think. thats it. if u follow me and u didnt like this post dw im gonna screen u anyway <3
thank you for reading all of that i know it’s long. your cool so here’s a cookie 🍪 also here have this
~~~~~ blinky time ~~~~~
credit to @jeweledviolets @v-4-l-0-n and @theprideful :)
#queer#intro post#uhhhh#yeah#long posts#holy shit#tw flashing lights#its just the first n second blinky
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okay i found this super funny . first question everyones asking
also godddd transmasc dean . so . LOGICALLY i know it wouldnt make sense because john wouldnt raise him the same way probably . like yeah still be a hunter but i feel like he wouldnt see a daughter the same way hed see his son as his little soldier . idk i do not trust john to be normal about having a daughter so. BUT !!! ignoring the "got anything thats real? my boobs" and "dude i got re-hymenated" and like . other things he said . the!! making himself super masculine and stuff and not showing emotions and stuff . also im sorry for being insane but the whole oh im unloveable so i just do one night stands and drink a lot👍 bc hes weird and wrong cuz its early 2000s . also wasnt there a thing abt him wearing girls clothes when he was younger ?? anyway also esp early seasons his style . yes king layer up !! been there done that (3 layers at a beach in 30c) . also yesss t4t destiel !!! for me . sorryr im watching s4 ep10 and i love how when anna kissed dean they cut to castiel . hello . anyway for me cas is just like me fr . not ugy not girl not anything just chilling on his own . idk agender i guess but thats not just like me fr cuz i dont use that label . idk im going insane i was not made to sit in an office . anyway yeas trans man dean and agender cas t4t couple <33
also bc im bored and normal sooo normal . dean being soooo happy abt being tall . hey angst moment i wish i couldnt feel anything so true king<3 me when i see a guy who hates himself drinks a lot and cares abt other hey thatsme i love when characters are just like me fr<3 whatevr he was soo happy abt growing tall cuz imagine if he was shorter. like idk even if considered "tall" for a girl lets say idk 175cm. imagine him standing next to sam and his 193cm thatd be so funny . okay im done for now i think
HIIIII yes. yes. yes. yes
this is so funny "is castiel in love with dean?" dean after fanfiction episode googling 'supernatural' and 'castiel':
hmm i guess youre right. but. idk. its john winchester. maybe he just didnt care that much. or dean gaslighted him . (ok. but. the fact that he was named after his grandmother. like. if you have a firstborn son. normal people dont name them after their mothers. looking at you mary). trans kinggg!!!
tbh for me. idk im insane i read a fanfic like that once and i cant stop thinking about itt. like angels are super agender beings but . like. i csnt explain ittt right. but cas spent time on earth and kinda realized . that he actually likes being a Guy . though your version is alsooo so real bro is just chilling his ass absolutely Not caring. but considering its cas. he can absolutely be both at the same time
AND YEAAAH. if he was like 170 and sam 193. i think dean would just end himself. or sell his soul to gain more inchesssss KDJFJ
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Okay solaris! There's just a little basic questions to you!!
1. Actually, how tall are you? Are you the smallest? Because i always thought so giggles
2. Are you and castus close? Who are they to you?
OH YEA! Let me show you a Chart! (I made it myself and everything!! :0 )
Castus's the TALLEST of us all by FAR. i'm convinced its one of her attributes..... it was a long time ago but i DISTINCTLY remember... ignoring that! Next is Daichi im not totally sure on him because hes also with his flora and it makes hard to figure his height! For sureeeee, hes shorter than castus, but taller than me. U'd expect me to be talller cuz im the yk Sun. But,,,, Nope. Wind must hate me :( . I have No Clue what Flovios's height is,,,, its always on its waters i think they like to feel tall. Who knows maybe hes shorted than even me! Even though i Doubt it.
2. CASSYS GREAT I LOVE CASSY. we've been hand in hand (roomies) for centuries!!!!! I still remember when she messaged for the first time. We dont necessarily have any labels on our relationship together nor do we want any... but i couldnt live without her!!
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oh gendernatural night? about a billion years ago when i was *checks watch* about 13-14 years old and i was watching spn for the first time, i was So Attached to dean winchester, i projected on him insanely hard. and i always thought to myself, "i wish i was a man like dean so i could love other men," and like. it took me about half a year to figure out that was me transing my gender for the first time. i had told my mother i wanted to cut my hair like his, partially bc i thought if i framed my desire for short hair to be based off of a fictional character, she would think it was embarrassing but wouldn't outright forbid it. it's literally so cringe to admit dean winchester made me realize i was trans but. that's what anon is for! anyways i hope you have a good night 💚
dean winchester and the magic of jender~
it's a bit cringey, yeah, but i'm kinda on the same boat. in my case i just started wearing plaid and listening to dean's music, but i was much more attached to cas, and, just like him, i was very alienated from many things. oblivious to basic human stuff tbh.
//edit addition: yes! about the loving men thing. for me it's because back then everything i associated with love (ship wise) was m/m, so my brain's path was also "i wish i was a guy so i could love other men". as a girl it's socially acceptable and encouraged to like men, but i wanted to love men in that way.
anyway, i had this super close relationship with a fellow heller back then, we texted all the time and we discussed me going over to her place, her parents paying for my plane ticket and everything. christ. we even mentioned marriage so i could stay in the us with her and we could live together once we were in uni.... i mean... she's grown out of spn so i hope she never reads this, but yes. and i was like 'pffff that's just online besties' but a couple years later i told my then boyfriend about this friendship and he just told me 'it's like you're talking about an ex' and my god was he right.
also for most of my life, i was fine with being a cis girl, but i never ever have felt comfortable with calling myself a woman, because in my head i'm not woman enough, whatever that means. due to kinda unrelated ish physiological factors, i wished so bad i was a guy for like 3 years, but then again what i wanted the most was being bodiless. and then there's how i've always been "one of the guys", like i'm always the friend guys talk about other girls/stuff with. so i don't know what sort of vibes i give off🤷🏻♀️ 17year old me would say 'im a leaf swaying in the wind', cheesy af, but true.
just last month i got a bob haircut and my mom was sooo against it lol. i seriously need to figure myself out because 1)im old enough to have my own place but im unemployed and JUST started my 2nd career so.. no prospects 2)if i want to live genuinely and openly i most certainly won't be able to do it under this roof
#answered#and i mean i know they love me#but my parents' house is homophobic and transphobic so..#personal#adding:#and yea i know the labels im not that ignorant but i dont feel like saying im x because what if im not#i mean there's no queer police but at the same time what if it's all in my head (which ofc it is) and then im calling myself smth im not#so like.. i dont wanna be disrespectful im just.. idk. im a thing i guess lol
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I have been not active on Tumblr whatsoever and it's been making me feel super crappy like i am not motivated for anything lately. I mean yea sure I'm still reading but I've been ignoring people tagging me in their fics I've been on my phone yet doing nothing productive at all yet I continue yelling at myself to do something. Like start studying more so you can actually become a surgeon and save people and shit but I have no clue how to do that or anything else. I know that I am attracted to women as well as men but I don't always call myself bi because somedays it just doesn't feel right but then neither does pan or lesbian but then somedays all those terms make sense and im like "yes this is what I am" but then the next day I think "what if I am a horrible straight person with no respect for the lgbtq+ community because I use terms like these carelessly" but then I think "it's not carelessness there are alot of people in the lgbtq+ community who dont know their sexuality" but then I just go back and forth between those two statements and my friends have told me you don't need to be a specific thing "you're just you" and that's really helped but then I think "what does anyone know? We're all young and naive and are probably not even gonna remember these friendships from the 2nd and 6th grade in like 10 years so what's the point?" But then I cant think like that because that is probably not good thinking for my mental state. Anyways I only pay attention to three of the people I'm following and two of them are blogs for S&B and PJO tv series updates, the only other one is you, soooo yea this was a rant so no pressure to respond. Love ya <3
this ask was sent a while ago but i, too, struggle with Responses and Interacting 🥹🖤 lmk if you want me to take it down and i will.
first of all, i'm flattered that my little old dustheap of things i like is one of the few blogs you keep up with :') that's a high honour, so thank you!!
second, i want you to know that all things are temporary. even if those friendships from the 2nd and 6th grade last forever, they will change– in distance, intensity, dynamic. just as you will change because you are a person and people are always changing.
this is not a bad thing. it just means you'll have to get used to the earth shifting under your feet, turning over new soil every once and a while. let the roots of your life breathe. if you try to stay still, the world will continue to move around you, and that's not a particularly nice feeling either.
yes, life is about loss, but it's also about learning from these temporary states of being. i often think about what the things i've lost have taught me, to keep myself afloat. i like making lists. it helps keep important things in the forefront. it's okay if you miss things. you'll get to them when you get to them. and if you don't, that's fine, too.
third, identity labels are for the person using them. they help us define ourselves, figure out what we like and don't like, and help us feel part of a community (if we wish to). identity labels are not for the rest of the world to look at and judge, and they certainly shouldn't be regarded as permanent fixtures of ourselves because, as we've said before, people are always changing, fluid.
but you should also know that it's also okay not to know. it's okay to be like "¯\_(ツ)_/¯ still figuring that bit out". that's what a lot of life is.
it will be different tomorrow.
#sending you lots and lots of love#it's gonna be okay#also per our dm convo: the first part of your message sounds like adhd paralysis! 🖤#thanks for the ask!! 💜#asked and answered#the-hospitality-of-knives#vent box 💌
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This might be hella ignorant but I just??? Don't get what the big deal is on Twitter rn with the lesbian discourse? I feel like labels are all well and good for people who wanna use them and then they will, so if a lesbian wants to call themselves a lesbian they'll probably have a good reason to and then that's none of my business? Like idk it feels to me like twitter beef that doesn't actually have any real reason? I'm part of the lgbt+ community and I've never even HEARD about that wiki much less give a shit about it, does anyone? Is there really an army of men out there trying to call themselves lesbians? Idk if this is a take that just fully ignorant bc I'm not on Twitter much or if this is a case of twitter weirdness, I was just baffled by it
oh god no i fucking feel you like. im the same fuckin way tbh if someone identifies as a man AND a lesbian, i dont doubt they have an interesting and complex relationship to both gender and attraction. ppl who find identities and labels for themselves that ppl consider 'outside the norm' arent going to jus be like 'hahah wouldnt it be funny??' like. ppl who GENUINELY go by such identities. theyve thought through it. no doubt they ARENT just a cishet dude yknow.
if there ARE cishet dudes genuinely trying that shit yea fuck Them. but i dont know how exactly the rage and strict definitions of identities would Keep Them Out? genuine lesbophobes who are mistreating identities wont be affected. the people with complex relationships to gender and sexuality within the lgbt community. like
ive seen SO MANY more nonbinary lesbians getting shatt on and mistreated and facing horrible transphobia by ppl making these 'petitions' n shit on twitter. i have a mutual over there who had ppl telling them they have to change their identity and 'cant' be a lesbian because they identity as a nonbinary man. they had to drop a whole thread defending their own identity. im p sure their main account got restricted with all the death threats n bullshit gettin sent to em
its just. its more infighting and closing lgbt ppl out of their own identities. its promoted so much transphobia and ppl thinking they can dictate ppls gender identity and determine their entire gender based off of gendered terms like 'boy' and 'man'
#its so baffling.#also on the wiki itself im like. its a wiki so i dont read deep into it#n yea i GUESS some of it could be changed but a lot i seen screenshotted were like#talking about ppl who arent women being lesbians and gave examples of genderfluid and agender ppl#rather than 'cis men' and like...... idk where they read all that#anon#twitter beef#lesbophobia#transphobia
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Ooooh ask games! Okay so, Mythra from Xenoblade, Venti from Genshin, and Azura from Fire Emblem! Very curious about your thoughts on Azura honestly.
ooooo a lot of fun characters thank you!!! i put this under a read more because i maaaaay have talked way more than i thought i would lol
Sexuality Headcanon: mythra is hmm! unlabeled or pan? her and brighid have big exes energy what can i say /// venti is doing whatever hes doing, i dont think he would label himself you ask him what he is and he just says yes. he is LGBT all of it /// azura is a bicon we love her... also arospec because i love her...
Gender Headcanon: all of the blades deserve to be a lil nonbinary as a treat but the aegis characters especially. the (motions to the spoilers of their true nature) and all. so yea!! demigirl or a similar label for mythra. /// venti agender real. hes a lil wind spirit who became a bard he doesnt have a gender /// azura is hmm? a binary woman? i dont have any lean hard on her being trans or cis but transfem azura is good
A ship I have with said character: this is making me realize i dont really have almost any ships with mythra lol! i like her nia and pyra as a poly couple (like. nia is dating both of them but mythra and pyra are obviously not dating each other) sorry rex. her and brighid being exes is something that can be so personal /// venti and zhongli because i dont like shipping him with the normal aged characters <3 also theyre funny and stupid /// azura and kaden is really cute i love how she gets to relax in their support! i think i paired her with kaze on my first playthrough and also liked them. really wish she got any supports with women that werent her family but i think her and felicia wouldve been cute!
A BROTP I have with said character: mythra and pyra have such an interesting dynamic going on i wish they had more interactions with each other in the game. her and opening up to a friendship with rex is also something i really love even if (gestures to the notp section) /// venti diluc might not be bros but they DO know way too many of each others secrets by sheer accident bar tender and drunk idiot can transcend friendship actually /// azura and the hoshido siblings :(( mainly thinking of sakura here but i think post game that they all deserve to be a real family to parallel how corrin is with the nohr siblings.
A NOTP I have with said character: i hate mythra and rex romantically. it doesnt help that hes officially 15 and its impossible to see her as anywhere close to that age. even ignoring that i think they work best as good friends /// uuuh im not a huge fan of venti/barbara? she feels like a 16 year old idol to me but ill admit the god x nun thing is kind of comedy gold and if you dont see her as a kid its fine /// poor azura to be romance bait for the player only to be the playable characters cousin.... they did her so dirty with that
A random headcanon: back in torna era mythra cooked something well once and it was on accident and nobody believed she made it and she was a lil tempted to use the siren laser beam to blow something up she was so mad /// venti invented the teyvat version of beer pong /// not long after azura got to hoshido she tried to ride a pegasus and fell right off and swore off trying again for years
General Opinion over said character: mythra is up there for being one of the best written women in a recent game for me? i think her struggles with what shes been through and seen making her literally create an idealized version of herself (who is still flawed and imperfect) is such an interesting story even if its hindered by how fucking awful her model/design can be at times and the fact two of her first scenes are being weirdo tsundere anime girl trope. that part sucks. but anyways shes still really well written most of the time and i love her arc when you look at how she was at the start of torna through to the end of xc2 proper
venti is like... im waiting to see what exactly he did during the fall of khaenri'ah before solidifying any proper thoughts i have on him if that makes sense? the seven are hiding so much i feel like i cant make a judgement call about them until we get more info (i say as if zhongli isnt one of my favorite characters, but i Understand him a lot more than i do venti). i think that the fandom is sooooo wrong about him hes a sad old man who has lost so much and drinks to comfort himself and i think the grief and loss that echoes throughout his story quest is his best trait. also 100% believe that he agreed to losing his gnosis and that it was all a big act that it was being stolen from him, if that doesnt end up being canon im gonna be really disapointed
azura is the backbone the glue the everything that tries to holds fates' flimsy story together and i think she mostly does a great job for what shes got. i love love love how she has had two families that never actually loved her like a real family should and i think its neat that she eventually gets to find that kinship through corrin. i love her softness while she is still highly determined and sharp witted. when i first played i really related to how she felt the need to put the burdens of the world on her shoulders even if it (literally!) killed her. she really pulls off the princess from a fallen/destroyed kingdom thing with how well her writing balances the sadness and loneliness she's lived with for so long with how she is still a girl who is alive and has joy even if she forgets it sometimes. her scary stories she tells to sakura and her love of sleeping on a fluffy kitsune tail all humanize her and give her a depth a lot of the fates cast is missing. we love her we stan.
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Markiplier manor is toxic here’s why
So Markiplier manor (Markipliers official discord server) has gotten a surplus of new people in it, this happened a few weeks ago the manor itself though has been up for awhile. originally a members only server it was eventually opened up for everyone and yes there are alot of genuinely good people and the mods are alright but unfortunately its becoming a toxic environment.
SO EDIT i have discussed with the mods that being said ... im keeping this up as a reminder of we can do better we can help people who are struggling through something instead of shutting them down we can listen to people who are being oppressed and bravely point out new media that only worsens that oppression and stigmatization and not just the mods who i was kind of harsh towards but who are human everyone as a community can do better and this is a large community think of the work we can do just doing the basics like boycotting problematic content and helping those who cry out for it who need it (and noticing and shutting down manipulative/toxic behaviors) ... i dont know if im going to go back to the manor yet tho im going to let this sit give it a week yall can agree or disagree but know that if you try to be an ass your going to get shut down and your feelings are going to get hurt
lets start with the basics “triggering topics” triggering topics can be anything in particular but it generally means a topic that relates to another persons trauma. Now while it is important to acknowledge a persons trigger words and try to keep the conversation respectable ive also noticed people use it to shut down people who come on freaking out because their dealing with a stressful situation/something traumatic just happened. This has happened to me personally and to a friend with me it was about being pro choice and having to in short make that actual choice. i was discussing this in the bathroom because i (like anyone else who comes in with baggage) did not know about any pro choice discords at that moment and was afraid of being stigmatized or going onto a discord that says its a safe space only for it to be filled with trolls. Mark manor is labeled as a safe space and many people come on there looking for support with me no one told me that the topic was triggering to them (which apparently it was because a friend of theirs had to make the choice not her herself think what you will) they just went to a mod early on when i just found the server as a member a friend (who i wont name) had gotten.... assaulted majority of her werent online and as someone who has been there and yes when she told me it did trigger my own trauma she needed moral support... the mod shut her down and deleted her comments and didnt give her a pointer to any other discord where she could discuss the topic openly and get moral support and be pointed to resources (it actually took me ten minutes to find and confirm a lgbtq therapy chat earlier this year for another individual discussing mental health) this was before i had gotten on for that day but i noticed those messages and i contacted her when she told me what was up yea it triggered my memories and its not fun but I FUCKING HELPED HER i made sure she went to the police to atleast file a statement (while the police dont always help it is good to have it on file) i even made her a plush and shipped it out to her and i would do it again and again because its not good to basically tell another person to shut up because it triggers others not without atleast trying to help them find another fucking place and making sure their actually ok and in a physical safe place next is them claiming the manor is a “safe space” a safe space is by definition “ a place or environment in which a person or category of people can feel confident that they will not be exposed to discrimination, criticism, harassment, or any other emotional or physical harm.” you would also think that the manor would be a safe space in the fact that marginalized and oppressed groups of people would be able to point out problematic content and have an open and free discussion about it and how it makes them uncomfortable. especially people of lgbtq community which alot of people in that chat are. yesterday (and this was what caused me to officially turn away from the server) in the patio (which is the members only chat) a Transgender individual pointed out the problematic content that is huniepop and how it fetishizes trans people as well as other minorities now this game i hear tries to make itself out as a “parody” .... its not its a sexual dating sim what would make it a parody is if sex noises were replaced with donkey sounds and the lewd pictures were replaced with poorly drawn doodles of tits or what have you its a game for incels marks hilarious when he plays it because he doesnt take the game seriously my issue isnt with him its with the developer. and if you did not know (which apparently people dont) the character poli is described as “a girl with a dick” the individual pointed this out because they felt like it dehumanizes them and paints them as nothing more than a fetish... and also apparently you can “choose” is poli is trans which kind of gives off the message that people can ignore trans peoples identity if it makes them uncomfortable... or if they dont sexualize them. and the muslim community is more or less in the same boat i come from the bible belt in usa im not muslim i am not trans but i do have a reason for standing with both and i will get to that in a bit so i was raised in a christian household in a christian setting like muslim women were basically told we cannot have sex and any sexual thought is sinful and we will be punished blah blah blah your even more closeted if your gay or bi because then you can face ... violence that being said to make the woman from the middle east hyper sexual like they did is kind of shitty even for a incel pleasing sex game. the individual who thought it would be ok to discuss this in the server because its labeled as a safe space and is generally “lgbtq” friendly thus believing he would have people agree and discuss ... was unceremoniously shut down by their peers and a mod was notified this person was not hostile maybe a bit frustrated because he wanted to talk about it and thought he would have this genuinely helpful conversation and people would listen and spread the word because to have problematic content be popular can isolate the oppressed group even more so WHEN NO ONE WANTS TO LISTEN TO THEM. if a group of marginalized people notice something problematic with content and you claim to be an ally of said group then you need to acknowledge and support what they say. they told him to go to twitter where he could potentially be bullied and written off ... because again its an INCEL PLEASING SEX GAME.(which means incels if you ever dealt with them will go and say anything to justify the game even using slurs and bullying) and to put the icing on the cake to change the topic they brought up robin ... i actually dont know who robin is as i dont really focus much on youtube creators personal stuff (it feels off for me to not personally know an individual but know their personal stuff without having actually talking to them its weird i know its a thing i have in my head) but apparently they recently came out as female and good for them im super proud of him and the patio members were discussing how they were proud of him as well for beginning to wear makeup and making themselves more feminine which would be great if they werent trying so hard to shut down the trans male who was trying to spread awareness on problematic stuff .... something he pointed out ... and something they gaslighted and said he was being hostile. really its almost as if they only care about trans issues when its someone famous discussing them so what can we possibly do about huniepop being transphobic and the answer is very easy BOYCOTT IT like... yall were up in arms and boycotted jk rowling with snap and a turn do we only cancel the old and ugly? do we only cancel those who we dont think is funny? mark is not at fault he probably doesnt realize it and any comments made on the issue are talked down upon or drowned amongst other comments im not saying to cancel him im saying to cancel the game HARD. ignore the posts bitch at the dev demand refunds for your game. like consumers have infinitely more power than corps want to admit. so you basically have a community that claims to be a safe space but only if you want to talk about sunshine and rainbows and its highly hypocritical of them to claim safety. another thing is emotionally abusive/manipulative people hide in the server and the mods dont ever seem to acknowledge it. i cannot tell you how many times ive gotten into arguments with people who seems nice then turn into assholes then claim to be the victim when i or others go off on them. if you recognize my name you know i dont stand down when it comes to having a snarky or rude comment thrown at me if your going to be an ass were fighting i dont care how nice you seemed beforehand and you dont get to call a mod just because i actually stood up for myself or others sorry not sorry dont be a bitch nuff said. now why would i care so much about problematic content? why would i care and stand by the transgender and muslim people (aside from being ya know... an actual ally and not someone who claims it for sympathy and brownie points?) its because i am autistic i am also able to function well on my own but there is a movie created by the famous singer sia it is called music it is a movie frowned upon by the autisitic community because infantizes and dehumanizes non verbal autistic people i am fortunate and unfortunate in not having to deal with much stigma unfortunate because i wasnt diagnosed until i was 17 alot of answers about my behavior could have been answered if i had been diagnosed earlier but considering society loves the quiet timid female and i functioned “well” for neurotypicals i was ignored. so yea you bet your ass im standing with them and raising awareness about huniepop and their was this one person when i mentioned this point i cant remember there name nor to do i give a shit about them because when i mentioned how autistic people ... how i was in the same boat with music by sia (again i advise that no one target the actress who was under contract target sia and please boycott her so she knows she cant get brownie points or money for a movie that stigmatizes who she claims she wants to “help” (*cough* profit off of *cough cough*) and only serves as a feel good movie for neurotypicals and ignorant people) they said “i heard people who hated the movie i heard people who found it alright people are ALLOWED to like problematic content” ... and like ... does anyone else see the problem here? its not hard at all to boycott celebrities for making content and im going to repeat this point IF A GROUP OF MARGINALIZED, STIGMITIZED AND OPPRESSED PEOPLE CALL OUT SOMETHING FOR BEING PROBLEMATIC AND YOU CLAIM TO BE AN ALLY YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO THEM AND DONT SHUT THEM DOWN I DONT GIVE A SHIT YOU DONT HAVE A FUCKING EXCUSE. if you cant bring yourself to boycott a piece of media and replace it with the infinitely more suitable forms that supports the group you claim to be for your not an ally your a fucking hypocrite and that is why i left markiplier manor i am still a youtube special ... thingy member and i will continue to be a member to support mark i want people to overall listen to those who speak up against a creator and a piece of media and listen to us all no matter how “good” something seems. .. also there is a video called listen it was created by nonverbal autistic people and communicationFIRST a group that sia apparently communicated with for her movie... and then ignored https://youtu.be/H7dca7U7GI8
#markiplier#transphobia#trans pride#lgbtq#muslim#huniepop#markiplier manor#pro choice#toxic groups#toxic fanbase#sia#music the movie#problematic content#huniepop2#albeism#hypocrisy#hypocrites#discord
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I’m not really in the hazbin hotel fandom ((I love the show don’t get me wrong I’m just not in the fandom)) but I kinda wanna see what you mean? Also I figure you’re still okay with people shipping him just either the fact that people ignore that canonical he is aroace sex repulsed or use it as a “oh we just have to fix him” trope (which fuck that trope)
Same asker that admitted to not really being in the hazbin hotel fandom but liking the show- thought it over and i actually don’t know how you could do Alstser (can’t spell bare with me) without having him as aroace sex repulsed without having him look barely anything like the original- maybe apart from that fic you made a while back
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okay so, in regards to this post i made earlier about aroace romantic/sex repulsed alastor, that was a headcanon. (i said, and i quote, its canon bc i said so, but in reality ive fooled u all it was just a headcanon i even said so in the tags)
my headcanons aside, alastor IS canonically ace, as referenced by this tweet below (and hey, canon bi character!!! we love that!!)
there is also a footnote on the HH wiki that says alastor is aromantic as well, but the footnote links to a four hour stream video, and i do not actually have the patience to comb through it to see if that's true or not (or if it even came from the mouth of vivzie)
uh, yeah. here's the link to the stream, in case anyone wanted it/was curious.
canonicities aside, lets get one thing out of the way:
i am all for ignoring canon, using fandom to do whatever you want, ect ect, all power to the fans and whatnot, do what you want and be free because its fiction
which means, yes, i am 1000% okay with people shipping alastor with whoever they want! with angel, with charlie, with husk, with vaggie, with nifty, ect ect ect, i don't care, ship what you want, be free, live your best life.
my problem, though, is this: literally nobody in this fandom knows how to write an ace character. and when they do write him as "ace", its OFFENSIVE.
i cannot COUNT the amount of alastor fics ive read where he's supposedly written as asexual (and its usually even tagged in the fic tags, "asexual character"), then ends up sexually attracted to his given partner for that fic, and when they actually go to do the deed, alastor is infantilized to, well, hell and back. and by that, i mean a few things.
he either:
doesn't understand his sudden sexual attraction and/or sexual feelings
doesn't understand what's going on during the sex scene
doesn't know the proper terms for body parts and sexual processes
is HIGHLY feminized and is categorized as "submissive" while the partner becomes the "dominant" and continues on with the sex scene
not only is that fourth one misogynistic and homophobic (an entire other can of worms about how feminine sub/masculine dom in homosexual relationships enforces toxic heteronormativity, aka, the idea that one must "be the girl" and one must "be the man"), but all four of these together are aphobic when you realize, "hey, alastor is an ace character".
off my point a little bit, but ANY relationship (gay, straight, and/or otherwise) should not be using sub/dom as a model to follow - sub/dom is a BDSM kink thing; it should NOT be the normalized sex model for ANY relationship.
there's nothing wrong with kink! but doing BDSM wrong can severely hurt/mentally damage either partner if done incorrectly. normalizing it means that so many young people don't actually understand what sub/dom actually means, and even less the consequences if done wrong.
but back to my point: asexual people get infantilized. and we get infantilized often, because people think "oh, you're not interested in sex/you've never had sex, so you must not 1) know anything about it, 2) know anything about the real world and how nitty gritty it is to survive out here"
basically, ace people get treated like children. a lot.
here is a fantastic article that explains the rampant infantilization of both aro and ace people, and why it is aphobic to do that.
i highly recommend you all read the article, because it is fantastically well written and concise. here's my favorite paragraph:
"Society conditions us to believe that a lack of romantic or sexual attraction is a transitory period. This viewpoint assumes an inevitable progression from a nonsexual to sexual state of being that marks entry into adulthood. Similarly, engaging in romantic relationships is recognized as a milestone of maturity. This stereotyping results in the infantilization of all aromantic and asexual spectra people, especially those who are entirely romance and/or sex-averse. It also incorrectly characterizes asexual people as sex-negative, even though personal sex-aversion and general sex positivity are not mutually exclusive. Moreover, the idea of “being ready” to progress from friendships to romantic and sexual relations undermines the value of platonic relationships, which are integral to our community."
i'm going to move on to one more point, because i know if i don't, i'll get SO many alastor allo-pologist authors whining and screaming about how ace people can have sex too
and yes, here's the thing: asexual people can have sex, can want to have sex, can be sex positive... but that doesn't change the fact that to be not-asexual (or allosexual, if you'd like to use proper terms), you have to be sexually attracted or experience sexual attraction - WHICH IS NOT THE SAME THING AS HAVING A LIBIDO, AND ITS NOT SOMETHING ACE PEOPLE CAN DO/HAVE.
what ace people can have:
a libido
sex
sexual arousal
sex drive
kinks
a partner they're not necessarily sexually attracted to, but trust to have sex with them anyways
what ace people can't have (unless they're not actually ace and are instead allosexual):
sexual attraction to someone
wanting to have sex with a specific person because of this attraction (a partner, celebrity, people they find explicitly attractive)
still confused? don't be!
here's a post where i better explain the difference between sexual attraction vs sexual drive and what that means for ace people
to close this out, im going to attempt to summarize why im so pissed about this.
alastor is canonically asexual.
he may be sex negative, sex neutral, or sex positive; we don't know, but this is fandom and we're allowed to headcanon him however we wish - we can even headcanon him as not asexual!
which is great, yea, but when the ace character is the fan favorite...
people constantly and consistently write alastor as "ace".
which would be GREAT! if they ever did it correctly.
here's what i see most often. instead of headcanoning him as not asexual, they've heard something about how ace people can have sex anyways!
so for woke points, they slap their alastor ship/sex fics with the "asexual character" tag, and write alastor in one of two ways
uwu baby "ive never said a bad word in my life and i dont understand how the world works" asexual
allosexual, but call him ace anyways
both of those are aphobic. i have yet to come across ONE fic where alastor's asexuality (negative, neutral, or positive) is written, and labeled, CORRECTLY.
you know, it actually hurts MORE when he's written as "ace (actually allo)" than it does if people just headcanon him as not asexual.
alastor is a successful serial killer. he has spent decades in hell.
ALASTOR IS A SUCCESSFUL SERIAL KILLER. HE HAS SPENT DECADES IN HELL.
and you cowards are going to write him as inexperienced, ""innocent"", sexually uneducated?? i think the fuck NOT.
NOT ONLY THAT.
alastor lived through the roaring 20s. the flapper movement. the harlem renaissance. AND the sexual revolution of the 1920s. HE LIVED THROUGH ALL OF THAT. and you're going to act like he doesn't know what sex is?? we even KNOW he lived through all that because he says it himself, "i havent been that entertained since the stock market crash of 1929", and 1929 was the end of all those movements and the beginning of the great depression - and then alastor died in 1933 after living a successful serial killer life in louisiana.
tell me again, why wouldn't alastor know what sex is or how it works? and if you can't, THEN STOP WRITING HIM LIKE THAT.
please please PLEASE educate yourself before you write an asexual character. ESPECIALLY if you're going to write them with a libido, and actually ACTING on that libido.
thank you.
sincerely, an exhausted sex positive asexual.
#hazbin hotel#alastor hazbin hotel#alastor the radio demon#the radio demon#hazbin alastor#i am at my limit#asexual#asexuality#fae rants
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How Did I Fall For Unwritten History?
So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If she was a drug I’d take it . She grounds me . She makes love to my mind , heart , and then my body . Her way of words sometimes makes me feel stupid because she uses words I cant imagine using . My vocabulary aint that big . But ask me about math or science ? I’m definitely ya girl . She was my missing piece . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .
But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .
Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .
Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .
Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .
Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .
Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling each other out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our mutual friend , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .
Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .
We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete failure in the relationship .
I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept making promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I deserved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .
But now , Im better than I was still struggling though . But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .
But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .
Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude . But I will play the hand I’m dealt . Maybe I will win and marry the woMAN of my dreams . Or maybe I will just fck it up once again . We Will See .
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Hmmm thinking of my gender identity it something that I find very confusing, like most probably due lol I see myself in the mirror and I just see a person. I don't,, see myself as a woman. God that even sounds gross. Girl sounds a little more acceptable but I think that's because I see myself as a child, not an adult but I digress. I just dont see myself as a woman. Do I think im feminine? Yea to a degree but not super feminine. But, I dont mind being seen as one. I think she/her/they pronouns fit me best, tho I do question the they part a little. It dont feel right, but I put it in anyways. It feels, invalid. I guess its because if you dont fit the gender "norm" then you have to go by they/them or not really but thats what my thought process is. I honestly don't really like talking about bc if my religious background. Or idk, being raised in a Christian household really cements how you think so I something struggle a little about gender sexuality and what not. Im much better about it now compared to like 5 years ago. Anyways i dont feel like a woman, but calling myself anything else other than a woman doesn't feel right, like if im trying to conveymyself?? But like, ik how i feel and I dont feel like a woman, but also i dont mind being seen as a woman?? Its fucking confusing and a bit distressing. I ignore it the best i can to like not fucking spiral. I know that i dont have to be labeled and in some way i do feel unlabeled bc idk what label fits me. I dont call myself non-binay and i was think neutrois but those dont really fill right. I dont think im agender bc I do feel like i have a gender, and other ones dont feel right either. Oh god this is too nuch i need a break.
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ive been trying to ignore this straight girl i follow on tw who always tweets about how openminded she is, and how shed be a lesbian if she could because she thinks that the guys shes dated suck and that stereotypically hot actresses are hot, and keeps on implying that shes basically already a lesbian except that she only fucks guys
but today she cited this tweet quoting a fake article saying that apparently millennials now claim theres a new sexuality called ‘unibisexuality’? or something idk its in spanish and its a fake article so its a fake word who cares tbh anyway the original tweet explains that that label is basically for straight people who want a fancy label and she commented smth fake woke like are you kidding me thats so dumb and like yea its ridiculous but 1) a quick google search wouldve shown her that its not a thing and she didnt need to waste her time on it and 2) half of her feed is about how shes ‘sexualy fluid’ but technically straight so maybe she should claim it and start calling herself that instead of thinking shes so above it
ugh idk i hate that im so focused on her and shit bc she might be closeted and dealing with this in her own way who knows but i known her my whole life on quite a personal level so i feel like i know her enough to at least say that not only her personality is completely different than mine like shes always been very open and sure of who she thinks she is at the time and idk even i, as someone who wasnt ever all that close to her, remember hearing her talk in person (aka at least 5 years ago now) about how shes ‘sexualy fluid’ but technically straight and which actresses would totally ��turn’ her gay, so if she was actually bi i feel like at this point shed already know and maybe would have stopped talking that way anywayyyy dont mind me im just complaining its been a while since ive ranted and it got a little bit too long lmao
#at least once a month i start writing a post to complain about her and then i delete everything cause i know how bitter i sound#and thats bc im bitter but i cant confront her w/o outing myself and i dont even want to go around policing people on what theyre allowed#and i dont wanna unfollow her because despite everything shes one of the few people who talks about social justice without getting too#like aggressive or whatever and also because she used to go to high school w me and we used to be in a church group together idk#she probably doesnt even care#maybe she already unfollowed me lmao#but i feel like if we ever see each other again it might be awkward#idk#the more i think about it the more i think i should just unfollow her#personal
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The Story of How I Fell In Love With Unwritten History
So I’m in a whole relationship right? Like a whole fat ass relationship. Like me plus her equals nobody else . Its kinda dope and kinda like coccaine . If that makes any sense at all . We definitely have our rollercoasters but I’ll killl anyone over her and I stand on that . Best part its with who I chose and not who my parents chose or approved of. I actually dont care whether they approve of me or not. Mom didnt want kids anyways. As she put it, she likes “ a return to sender kid “ I know she used to joke about it but I later found it to be true. So at this point either you like my happiness or you dont. But anyways, So we met the first time at work, Afni Call Center to be exact. She was a bet. By bet I mean with green money with coworkers. So I bet that I would get smashed by this girl and they would each owe me 50 bucks. I mean who can turn down money. Plus she was kinda cute and I know she was watching my little booty when I would walk away . I was 80 pounds lighter when we first met .
But here lately things have gone to shit . I can admit I fucked up . Well in the beginning . I cheated . She found out . But I was honestly gone tell her everything but she found out I broke her heart all that and then some . Since I put all my business out there . Only reason why I cheated was because I wanted a kid . I wanted her for sure but I wanted a kid . As time passed us by I realized she doesn’t want kids at all . So I had to make a decision , kids or stick around for my one true love in my adult life . So I looked her in the face , I probably had tears In my eyes and told her I chose her . She looked at me with confusion for a little and I dont think she anted me to flat out give up kids. But I was gone doe what I had to do to keep her by my side .
Now before we get to me cheating . I had an apartment on Old Morgantown Road . I loved that damn space man . Hard wood flooring . Storage unit . I had a w/d hook up . I had a good apartment and I could afford it and be able to live my best life . Rent was 475 a month . Utilities and water ran me about 80 . So I was well within my budget . But my dumb ass got involved with this man who I thought I could change . I was trying to hear from nobody about nothing . I wasnt trying to hear that he was cheating because I felt like I gave him no reason to cheat . I was giving him everything and then some . Hell I let his stupid ass cousin stay on my couch . So they were living rent free right , I know stupid Kendra always doing dumb shit . I should have opened my eyes but I didn’t .
Well he and I are definitely no longer together . He got my little cousin pregnant . I dont know whats worse . That she knew he was still living with me . That she knew we was kin . That he knew we was still together , fucking and living together and I never ask for a dollar . Or that my bosses had to call me in the office with another one of my cousins and sit me down to tell and show me that he was cheating and she was pregnant . It even shocked me that she tried to question me about my niggas car . Like girl he and I live together so yes maam I’m gone drive his car . and she was in shock to see me in the drivers seat . huh . Aint that funny how it all played out though ? But you know , karma got took his dick for a minute . He got the worst news of his life . His heart was just as shattered as mine . His trust was screwed if not worse than mine . He found out that while he was too busy cheating on me , she was getting knocked down by his cousin . LMFAO SERIOUSLY . He did all that cheating and got that girl pregnant and ended up getting played himself . So while I was his woman , he had a side bitch who had a side nigga , but THE SIDE NIGGA HAD A SIDE BITCH . I hadnt had sex with him in a while because things started getting to me and I was becoming very suspicious so I was still going to get checked anyways . But yea . What a fckd up love hexagon . Crazy how we all worked together . But when I reached my snapping point . I became a little on the ratchet side and called his mom and told her come get her sons belongings because he was homeless again . My cousin didnt have her own spot so somebody had to come take care of him because by that time I was done pretending .
Shit got bad for me mentally . I had me fckd up . I lost my job and went broke because I drank and popped it away . I know definitely wasn’t the right thing but I just wanted to feel numb to everything . I didnt really care how I got high just as long as I as high I was okay and at peace .
Alot of time went by and my past came back . She made me feel safe . And she saw me ; like the actual me . She knew something was up . Hell I gained 50 pounds since the last time we seen each other . But when she came back . I dont know if I was more so excited to see her or trying to fuck her right there on the floor at work . I walked in the door and the moment I seen her ... I didnt care who I was talking to , I think Wanda , I’m sorry boo but I seen my old boo and just had to do it . I could not help myself I had to hug her before I did anything else . I had a little more weight on me too because during our last encounter , hmm hmm , I was a bit smaller and hadnt grown boobs yet . So when she seen me running 90 mph to her ; baby girl was in for a shock .
Time went by and we started seeing each other a little more outside of work . Then she started to spend the night . But when she started doing that , I think I made things a little complicated for her at her moms . I had no intentions of doing so but it kinda got weird because she wasnt coming home very much any more . But yall , when I had her all to myself . Do you know how many times I undressed this girl with my eyes . I mean she standing there fully clothed and I seen EVERY INCH of her thru them clothes . It was bad yall . lol . She kinda eventually sorda moved in ; even though I thought she had already moved in . Time went by and things were okay ya know . We were just in the “ talking “ phase and just filling eachother out . She started to grow on me a little more than I planned . and then I wanna say it was my birthday or after ? Baby girl was so drunk . She , our friend Ladaya , and I went to go grab food and drinks . Weeellllllll , I trapped her into drinking and drinking and drinking . We got home ? and she drank and and got funnier as the night went on . I remember that day like it was yesterday and the videos I have are absolutely the funniest videos I have ever recorded . “ butt clouds “ and the car honk that about gave her a damn heart attack .
Anywho times have went on . We decided to go to hilltop and live there . Who would have thought we would live together because I was stern on not wanting to live with her . It was weird living there . Always wondering if or when we were going to get a roommate . Then ? Thats the first time I ever broke a heart . See , she was always wanting to like distinguish a title. Meanwhile I am petrified of titles and labels and shit . Plus I have labeled myself for so long I didnt want to put a label on she and I . So I waited and waited and waited and decided to test waters . By testing waters meaning , I caught baby fever BAD . LIKE BAD BAD . I wanted a kid so bad I didnt think about talking to her first , I was just hoping one day I could be like , surprise baby we are having a baby ; butttttt I was gonna tell her how I got pregnant IF if actually happened . But she kinda beat me to it . She seen the messages on her tablet and as you know it went to shit from there . I broke her heart . I wasnt sure if or when she would or could ever forgive me . ( its JAn232021 ) and I know she still hasn’t forgiven me for anything . Not sure if she will ever get past it enough to love me love me .
We made it official , May 2019. By that time the only things that mattered to me were building a life with her. Come August 2020 . We got a place together and as time went on, I knew something was wrong but I would rather ignore it than have to go to the doctor because that just aint my cup of tea. I hate doctors.. they always wanna diagnose people with shit. I just didn’t wanna be one of those people so I held out as long as I could before it got to the point of being unbearable . I lost yet another good job . At first they thought it was covid and it wasnt . I tested negative for covid . Then I had like 5 appointments that following week . I was put on all types of stuff . I was throwing up everything . I was crying non stop . I was doing things not in my normal regimen . Thats when things fell harder on her . Harder as in bills , and stress and everything . I became that burden . I became the thing in the relationship that puts everything on the line . I became the complete faliure in the relationship .
I wasn’t able to help like I planned . in fact my checks were so small that every pay day because I had all my bills and people I owed money to on auto pay and I kept amking promises, put me in the negatives . I was in the negatives for 3 to 4 months . So imagine being the one in the relationship who didnt feel welcome . Who didnt feel like I desrved the love and things like that . All I wanted to do was help out and I couldn’t . Made me want to pack up and wait until I knew she was gone so I could leave . I didn’t know what to do . But I knew I was pretty much of no use . I knew that she resented me . I knew it pushed things back so far it may never come back to normal .
But now , Im better than I was still struggling though . But I have this amazing job . I have a job where I can do my part and not hurt . I have a job where I can finally help out now . But its not enough . I’m not enough . The love is not enough anymore . I have became disposable . I have become the one who broke and shattered her heart and trust in her adult love life . How do I come back from it ? How do I rescue something that may have already died ? Am I worth it ? Am I better off without ? Do I deserve her ? She deserves the world and I want to give it to her I do .
But idk , maybe my mom was right . just maybe the only things I’m good at are singing and laying on my back . Havent accomplished shit yet . Got banned from a job because I tried to put my hands on someone . Got fired from 3 good fucking jobs because of my health .
Im crashing at this point . My future is on edge . I am on edge . this is not cool dude .
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