#so maybe im not such a bad person or such a mess i just grew up with her

[90ekz]

“WE AINT GOOD-GOOD, BUT WE STILL GOOD”

debrief: when your ex-boyfriend ony comes down with a cold, you clock into your nurse shift, as well as resolving some old feelings.

tags: black!fem!reader, sickfic but like.. not, use of the n word, make-ups and break-ups, you make ony nervoussss 🥹, implied eremin (i love them), pure fluff, healthy communication cs ik some of y’all be bashin niggas heads in

an: bringing in the new year with some fluff !! i love you guys, and may 2024 bring everything you desire in abundance <3

ex-boyfriend!ony who was so heartbroken when y’all split, but knew it was for the best. he didn’t wanna drag you down with all his mess, (even if you insisted over and over that you were okay) and you were busy trying to get your masters. even through this, close contact was kept, and y’all leaned on each other for support.

that’s why it was such a shock when connie and jean had let it slip that he’d been sick for 3 days. you sat on the notion, wondering why he didn’t come to you or even say anything, and waited for a call, but when none came after a few hours, you were dialing his number harshly into your phone and letting it ring with a scowl on your face.

“onyankopon.” you spit over the phone, hearing him sputter at the use of his full name. dull music played in the background, and you could swear you hear other voices, hushed.

“h-hey mama, what’s goin on?” ony refused to let his composure slip, all his boys were over and he had told them that he had stopped fuckin’ with you. they all opted to come over to chill (smoke) even while he was down with a real bad cold. he caved and took a few hits before deciding that his lungs weren’t strong enough right now, and passing the spliff to connie wordlessly.

“you got something you wanna tell me?” you sat patiently, giving him the opportunity to tell the truth before jumping to conclusions. maybe there was a reason for it, everything happens for a reason, right?

“uh…nah i been chillin—hold up.” your eyebrow jumped at his labored breathing mixed with the sound of him hushing someone in the background before pressing the phone back to his ear. “anyways. im good, nothing to tell you, im cool. you cool?” your suspicion grew at his constant throat clearing and groans.

“you a damn lie.” before he could even respond, you were hanging up the phone and two beep sounds rung in his head. he tried to call back twice before getting a notification that you’d left home and were on the pathway to his house. the drive was only about 10 minutes, and knowing you, you’d be here in 5.

“aw shit—all y’all gotta go.” ony stumbled to his feet, ushering connie, eren, armin, and jean out of their seated positions and towards the front door. “man i was just getting high, the fuck goin’ on?” eren mumbles lightly, placing his jacket around armin’s shoulders and finishing packing his bag.

“someone’s coming over, c’mon.”

“who bruh?”

“y/n nigga, i think she knows im sick. y’all gotta go, now.” the whole group erupts in protests of ‘i thought y’all were done’ and ‘don’t kick us out for that, man!’ but ony didn’t care. he hadn’t seen you in person for a while, and he still needed to cover his tracks. the whole group rolls their eyes, save for connie and jean, who looked like they’d seen a ghost.

“connie, jean, why y’all look like that? what did y’all do?”

“it was him!” jean points to connie, completely throwing him under the bus. connie almost protests until he sees the sour look on ony’s face, and they’re scattering out the door with ‘im sorry’s’ flaking from their lips, leaving armin and eren to snicker under their breath.

“you said you were done with her, why now?”

“as much as i would love to give you an in-depth synopsis on my relationship status, i really don’t have time for allat right now.”

eren rolls his eyes, his attitude shown clear on his face. he wasn’t the biggest fan of ony’s relationship with you, considering that he’s the one who has to hear all the bullshit between you two. armin intertwines his pinkies with eren, an easy soother to his irritation.

“if i have to hear about this shit later, i’ll kill you.”

with reluctance, the couple left—armin apologetically excusing eren’s rudeness—and ony was left to spray fabreeze for the weed smell, and splash cold water on his face to hopefully extinguish his up-ticking fever, just in time for your harsh knocks to come on the door.

ony opened it, albeit barely enough for you to see his flushed face. he was feeling real feverish now….

“you ain’t tell me you was coming over.”

“i don’t have to tell you. open this damn door and stop playin wit me.” ony gulps as he unlocks the chain on the door and sees you fully. all you had on was his hoodie that he was sure you said you were gonna give back, and some nike pro shorts that he couldn’t see. you held a bag of unknown contents in your hand. you eyed him up and down before stepping inside like you owned the place.

he loved when you did that shit, this man is down bad.

you twirled the string of his sweatpants between your freshly done nails, and ony swears his temperature went up 10 degrees. you had this look in your eye that was the epitome of concern and irritation having a fist fight.

“so when were you gonna tell me that you were sick?”

“i wasn’t. i didn’t want you to worry about it, but the opptastic duo just had let you know, i guess.” ony followed as you proceeded deeper in the house, but you paused as you entered the living room. your eyebrows furrowed and your nose crinkled.

“what’s that smell?”

ony gulped, just playing shrugging and playing dumb. the cloud of fabreeze hadn’t really covered the weed smell all the way, and he was sure that you were about to bust him for smoking while he was sick, and he really wasn’t tryna hear all that at the moment. he was ready to get in his bed (preferably with you in it..)

“do not play wit me, what is that japanese cherry blossom shit im smelling?” you threw your keys and bag down and paced around the living room, flipping over pillows and looking under couch cushions. ony protested, promising that he didn’t know what you were talking about, and thought to himself that you were just smelling yourself.

until you pulled an empty cart refill wrapper from beneath the cushion.

aw shit.

you looked at him like he was a dumbass—which he was—before watching him smack his teeth and snatch the wrapper from your hand begrudgingly. the words “CHERRY GLAZE” in bold lettering burned his eyes, before vaguely remembering that armin had switched out his liquid before he’d left.

ony teetered on the truth, but he knew you’d be pissed about him having his boys over when he was clearly sick, so he settled on a lil white lie.

“oh, that’s uh—that’s some of my old shit.”

“if i’m recalling correctly, aren’t you the one that said that you didn’t like smoking that ‘fruity shit’?” ony cleared his throat—in a way he only does when he lies—before just grunting in response.

“and even if you didn’t say that, you hate cherry flavored anything, so that begs the question… what bitch was smoking this shit on your couch?” you jabbed your freshly done pointer nail into his chest, feeling his breath stutter under your touch.

he was caught between a rock and a hard place, and figured he’d just tell you the truth, even if you’d get mad.

“basically, the boys came over and eren brought his lil boyfriend or whatever he is—”

“wait, eren’s gay?”

“apparently. anyways, his name is armpit… or was it arm and hammer… whatever sum like that, and he was smoking his cart and replaced the liquid on the couch and i guess the wrapper fell between the cushions. no bitches were over here, i swear.” ony holds his hands up in defense, reassuring you that he was telling the truth. you smiled, as you believed him regardless. you knew he didn’t roll like that anyway.

“bae, relax. i believe you, i was just tryna see you sweat. just sit down, i bought you some soup.” you smiled at him with all your teeth, and ony was sure that he fell in love all over again. he missed you more than words could explain, and he just wanted you to come home again.

he finally let himself relax and he slumped onto the couch, his headache hammering against the back of his eyes. you took a seat on the ottoman next to him, unpacking his favorite potato soup and crackers. you crush up the crackers in the soup and stir, just like he likes, and unscrew the cap of his blue fanta.

“i think—no, i’m already in love with you. i dont think i ever stopped.” ony mutters as you spoon feed him and he has the urge to cry. you were always so gentle and caring with him, and you’ve never stopped, regardless of what the relationship status was. that’s what he loved most about you—it didn’t matter what happened between you too, if he needed you, you were there.

he missed you so, so bad.

“stop talking with your mouth full, you’re gonna get soup on your new carpet.” you attempted to brush off his words, and the way that they were making your face heat up.

“fuck the carpet. i’ve never been so serious in my life, mama. i love you more than you know. ‘just want you to come back to me.”

you two broke up because you mutually needed space and time to yourselves. it was an agreement, yet neither of you committed to it for more than a week. before you knew it, you were back texting him good morning, as he was texting you good night. all you wanted was to be his girlfriend again, but you wanted to give him the space he needed.

you set the spoon and soup aside, watching the way ony’s deep brown eyes twinkle under the low light of the living room.

“ony, i want to give you your space, that’s the whole reason we broke up to begin with. you deserve that.”

“i had enough space. you not living here no more, not being up under me when i sleep, not kissing me when i wake up, only seeing you at parties, that’s space, and i’m real tired of it,” ony laces his fingers with yours, kissing the back of your knuckles as he used to do.

“i want you back. i want you back in my face all the time, i wanna wake up mad cause you took all the covers, but then it goes away when i see how cute you look all bundled up. i want my initials on your nails again, i want you. i need you, baby. come home to me, please—“

“okay, okay! that’s enough, you’re embarrassing me!” you hide your head in the crook of his neck, suddenly feeling bashful about the way he was relaying his apparent undying love to you. everything he does flusters you still. you don’t miss the way his hands grasp you even tighter than they used to, if that’s even possible.

“i just want you to promise me that i’m not hurting you.”

“you could never. my perfect girl would never.” ony places a kiss on the top of your head, making sure to hold you even tighter. you choose not to mention his sniffles at the current moment, and let yourself be lost in his love.

“i missed you too, ony.”

[uspdude051]

Hi, can I request a Derek shepherd X male reader? I have an idea you can use, maybe Derek broke up with Meredith after being together for like two months, after one month he starts liking the reader (can the reader be the same level as him? Not an intern) and after one month of Derek trying he and the reader start dating and one day all the interns find them cuddling (can the reader be little spoon pls) and they are in shock and kinda confused

Im sorry if it's a bad idea, I just want a story with him

Sleep and Confusion

A/N: sooo. This person requested this over two years ago and I felt bad….this is once every blue moon lol

TW: Fluff and bad grammar :)

Set in Season 4 when Meredith and Derek Broke up

It has been a few months since I got the job as The New Chief of Cardiothoracic Surgery. You had a job as a Mass Gen as a regular attending, but the Chief of Surgery, Richard Webber, offered you the job and you decided to take the job right away. You liked Seattle even though the constant rain annoyed the hell out of you. Over time you manage to make a few friends. It's mostly the heads of the surgical department and a few residents like Bailey and Callie.

You just finished your shift and decided to hang out at Joe’s, when you got there you sat down at the bar at the far end. When you ordered your usual drink you turned to the left and saw Derek Shepherd, the head of neurosurgery, was drinking alone. You decided to have some small talk since you didn't know him that well. You knew of him, like how his nickname is McDreamy and he had a previous relationship with one of the 1st years.

You went over to sit next to him and asked,” Hey, how are you doing?”

He turned to look at you and was surprised I was talking to him. He answered, “You're doing well, yourself.”

You nodded in response. Joe gave you your drink and the two of you started to have some small talk. It was mostly regarding other interests, what's your favorite sports team, where you go to college, all that stuff.

Then you decided to ask something that would be a little awkward to answer.

“So… what's the deal with you and that one resident?” you asked. You notice that he and Meredith steal glances every chance they get.

He looked at you debating whether or not to answer, “We had a relationship when she was in the 1st year” He paused “We tried to work it out but unfortunately, we couldn’t.”

“Sorry about that, it must have been hard,” you said with sincerity.

He looked down at his drink and replied, “Yeah…..yeah it was, but I'm starting to move on.”

A part of you was relieved that he was getting over the heartbreak that he is experiencing but another part of you made you feel bad for the dude and wondered what you do to help. 

Ever since that night at Joe’s, you and Derek’s friendship has grown even more. You guys talk whenever you have a break. It was a good friendship, a little brotherhood friendship. It was going great until your feelings towards Derek grew to the point where you started to grow romantic feelings. But you decided to act against it for two reasons. 1) you didn't know if he wasn't straight and 2) you were pretty sure he was still hung up with the 2-year resident. You decided to compress those feelings because you didn't want to mess up your newfound friendship with Derek. 

Then one day you and Derek were both alone changing in the attending room after a very long day of back-to-back surgeries. He was leaning against the locker right to yours while you were just finished changing into your regular clothing. You were gonna ask if you wanted to head to Joe's to watch the game. But Derek beat you to the question but the difference was that he asked you something that completely shocked you. 

“Go out with me tomorrow night,” Derek said so subtly.

You slammed the locker door hard and stared into his blue eyes. Your own eyes widened at the question. You normally don't judge a book by its cover, but you would have never thought he was into dudes

“ Are you playing a trick with me or is this some kind of joke?” you asked. You were very wary about the guys you dated because most of the guys you've dated were assholes or straight dudes trying to get a laugh at you.

Derek said quickly “I'm not!!!...it's just you for the past month you were by my side with a lot of you… and I really, REALLY, think we have a connection.” 

As he said that his words started to slow down and started to seem more sincere. You ask him whether or not he was straight. You assumed he was Bi or Pan at least considering he had an ex-wife and his last relationship was Meredith. He explained that he’s bisexual and that he had two boyfriends before he started dating Addison.

You were still hesitant because your last relationship ended with your boyfriend cheating on you with his co-worker. He could tell by your facial expressions that you were very hesitant. He took your hand looked into your eyes and said this

“I promise I'm not gonna be like the other guy, if you want to take things slow that's fine,  all that I'm asking for is one dinner, and that's it.”

You could tell that he was being genuine, again you were a little hesitant. But then again he wasn’t like the other dude. Derek is kind, smart, and charismatic, all of the great qualities in a man that you were into.

So you looked into his dreamy eyes and said, “Yes, I would love to.”

2 months later.

It was a long day In the OR and you wanted to lie down. You went to the call room to get some shut cause you didn't have the energy to drive. You took off your tennis shoes and laid down on the bottom bunk facing the wall. As you are about to shut your eyes you hear the door open and see a bright light illuminated on the wall.

You turned your back to whoever just opened the door and saw Derek who looked just as tired as you are. He shut the door behind him and walked over to you. He lay down next and put his arm around your body holding you in a firm grip never letting you go.

You murmured, “How was your craniotomy on that peds patient?” 

Derek also replied with a murmur” It went great, how did your heart transplant go?”

Seconds passed by without a response. Next thing you know, Derek heard the gentle sound of your snoring. Chuckling quietly to himself, he leaned in and placed a tender kiss on your forehead. Gradually, he too began to drift off to sleep.

THIRD PERSON POV

An hour passed, and the door opened revealing Alex who needed some shut-eye from a surgery he just assisted on. As he was about to select a bed, he paused, noticing Shepherd cuddling with the new cardio attending. His eyes widened in suspicion, suspecting a romantic relationship between the two. Soon after, Lexi and a few other interns entered, their attention immediately drawn to the scene before them. While some were taken aback, Lexi found the sight incredibly endearing.

[winkliee]

Hiii im kinda new to this so im sorry if i mess up!

If u play genshin can u do the hantengu clones with a ganyu reader but if u doesn't can u do the hantengu clones taking a bath with nervous reader (nsfw) I'm sorry if this is too much����😣😣😓😓😓

you are my first ask!! i am so sorry i do not play genshin though, but hopefully what i am presenting will be good. also i have never written a full smut scene so this was really difficult to write, idk if it's good 😭

Hot Springs

hantengu clones × nervous reader

warnings: smut, sub f!reader, praise kink, consensual non-con, size kink, somnophillia, overstimulation, loss of virginity, nipple pinching, cunninglus, aizetsu is whiny

you ran through the forests, clutching your sword. you were sure you sensed a demon just now. but where was he?

you looked around for the umpteenth time. nope, no one in sight.

the kakushi accompanying you caught up to you huffing. "y/n sama," he said panting, "you aren't fully healed yet. please take some rest."

"there is a demon here!!" you shouted at the poor kakushi, "how can i leave my duty and-"

"but there's no one in sight," the kakushi retorted. "please take some rest for the time being. i will personally inform you if i see anything suspicious."

you started to calm down a bit. "fine," you finally agreed.

the kakushi smiled at you with his masked face. "there's a really nice hot spring not very far from here. i have heard it has healing abilities. you should definitely try it."

you laughed a bit. you knew that some kakushis can be really weird, especially the one who had made the love hashira's uniform.

"you will be ogling at me, huh?"

the kakushi blushed furiously. "n-no ma'am," she said quickly calming down, "if you allow, i have been offered a job of helping some injured slayers down the hill. but i cannot leave you alo-"

"you may go," you said dismissing the kakushi.

"but-"

"i can survive myself, there are other people in need of you, you should leave."

the kakushi looked at you, before bowing deeply and leaving instantly.

you started to walk deeper into the forest in search of the spring. "i am sure it isn't far."

it wasn't. a mere fifteen minutes walk later, you found the hot spring, bubbling.

"well, i guess it's not too bad to relax," you thought as you started undressing.

the mist of the springs made you feel so relaxed, sleepy infact, as you were sure you would drowse off there.

but you were too lazy to even get out.

that is when you heard some voices from the other side. male voices.

you couldn't see them properly because of the mist, but you could figure out there was atleast four of them.

you grew nervous. after all, your swords and clothes were kept far from here in a safe area.

"maybe this is a mixed bath," you thought, even though you felt hot at the idea of being naked while there were other men in the spring.

"relax," you said to yourself. but as you heard the voices getting nearer, you couldn't help but try to slip away.

too late.

"look who do we have here~" you heard a voice through your daze, as anxiety filled you.

you looked up to a pair of green eyes, and...horns.

"demons?!" you screamed before a hand muffled your voice, as you looked up to see a yellow eyed demon too.

"how dare you use our private spring?!" the red eyes demon shouted at you.

you tried to retort back by saying that his name wasn't written there, but your mouth was still muffled by the other demon.

you read their kanji. uppermoon four...

you tried to free yourself from the hands of the yellow eyed demon, gripping him so hard that you were sure you heard his surprised yowl, but the blue eyed demon stopped you. "i am sad you are trying to hurt us," he said, with his worried face.

"heh sekido," the green eyed demon started, "looks like she's a demon slayer. she has extraordinary strength."

"i can see that you foo-"

"guys please stop fighting-"

"shut up!" the three other demons shouted in unison, as the blue eyed demon immediately became quiet.

in the meanwhile you had succeeded in freeing yourself from the yellow eyed demon's grip, and attempted to flee, but the red eyed demon, apparently sekido, grabbed you back and pulled you into the waters again.

"shit," you thought to yourself, "they are going to kill me. i can't even fight back because the mist of the spring has numbed my senses."

"how dare you come here and relax?!" sekido's voice growled.

"awww, poor girl, she didn't know," the green and yellow eyed demons laughed together.

please stay quiet karaku, urogi,"the blue eyed demon said. "let sekido handle this."

the demons ignored him, as karaku kept his arm on sekido's hand and said, "let's not kill her. today's mission was extremely difficult. let's have some fun?"

urogi on cue, asked the other demon, "what do you think, aizetsu?"

while they were conversing, you finally had a clear look at the four demons towering over you. their bodies were rather muscular, and they were naked, there semi-hard dicks dangling right before your eyes.

"looks like she's in too," you heard karaku laugh. "look at how she's staring at our cocks. she could almost drool."

your face reddened at their suggestion, as you tried to free yourself from their grips.

"well, well," said sekido, "you're not leaving without receiving your punishment."

you have no idea how much time has passed. your only recollection is that they dragged you through the mist, into the middle of the hot spring.

you couldn't even try to escape, the mist having numbed your senses completely. they groped your breasts, as urogi started sucking your nipples while groping your other breast. karaku on the other hand nipped your neck, covering them with multiple bruises and hickies. aizetsu took a place between your knees, massaging them, trying to calm down your increased pants, while kissing your thighs.

you grew more and more nervous as you watched sekido stand nearby watching you, his face was definitely angry, but, but he was smirking?

all those thoughts were erased from your mind when a finger prodded on your cunt. you looked down to see aizetsu staring up at you, with a questioning glance, wanting approval.

you understood you were already in this deep when you nodded.

quite immediately aizetsu started licking you up, his finger roughly entering your hole, which wasn't much moisturized.

"i-it hurts," your voice left in a whisper as you tried to concentrate on the pleasure karaku was giving your breasts.

aizetsu went on sucking your clit, as you gasped. demon slaying had never given you time to take care of yourself so you were naturally sensitive.

how would you ever have known that four demons would be doing this with you?

you stifled your moans as much as you could, but you let out a whine as you neared your climax.

"n-no more-"

you came on aizetsu's face, embarrassed that you couldn't stop yourself, but he didn't seem to mind as he went on sucking you.

you were in a state of daze, as you were overstimulated beyond you could take, when you felt someone push aizetsu away.

"move," karaku said, "it's my time to enjoy her," he said roughly entering you.

you screamed out a bit at the sudden intrusion, it was really painful after all.

"look sekido, i took her virginity," he laughed. you looked over at sekido with your half open eyes, and he looked very angry.

but you had no time to relax. karaku pounded into you constantly, as a string of moans erupted from you. you were surprised yourself by the noises you were making.

"isn't it huge?" karaku said leaning over to suck your boobs, while one hand snaked down to rub your clit. "my dick is ruining you, aww," he laughed at you pitifully.

you couldn't mutter out a word. you gripped on his biceps as the stimulation became too much for you to handle, and you came again.

"s-stop, aah"

you were almost passing out, but a gentle slap on your cheek woke you up, as you saw sekido taking karaku's place.

"no falling asleep now, little slayer," urogi said caressing your face, "sekido doesn't like that."

sekido wrapped his arms around your body, in a possessive manner. "don't you dare pass out," he growled. "this is a punishment," he said.

you were already scared, but sekido's length had your reeling. it was really hard to enter you, but once he had, your head was thrown back as you whined, scratching on his chest.

"what a naughty girl you are, enjoying your punishment," he mocked, "did you just come from me entering you? pathetic."

he started moving gently, but his speed altered and soon he was pounding into you like karaku, hell even faster than him.

you were on the brink of consciousness, and your body was tired when you came again and again.

"i want to try her next!" you heard urogi's delightful scream.

you moaned out loud when sekido hit a certain spot in you, and kept on doing that, as you came again.

"his growls, his growls sound so hot," you thought, as you closed your eyes when you came again from his ruthless pounding.

you slowly opened your eyes to see, aizetsu shallowly thrusting into you.

did you fall asleep? how are they still continuing?

aizetsu seeing you awake, smiled brightly.

"i was so scared you were hurt," he said, before whimpering, "y-you are so tight."

you looked around for the others. aizetsu, as if reading your thoughts, told, "they have left already. i am sorry they misbehaved. i will take care of you," he said, before whimpering as he came inside you.

"s-so warm," you threw your head back, your mind still reeling. aizetsu nipped at your neck, kissing so gently as you almost melted from his touch, unconsciously pulling him close and grinding on him.

god, this was a punishment to remember.

thank you for reading. likes and reblogs are appreciated.

[swanshapedheart]

Poorlittlekoi’s statement

Disclaimer. I, the poster, am not Koi

I am someone putting her thoughts and response to her situation into the public as I was encouraged to do so. I feel it is also necessary to bring this up as well.

I do not want to be affiliated with controversy any further.

——————————————————-

“this whole situation has messed with my head to the point where i cant even send a text to most people without worrying they are gonna leak it or use it against me in the future,, svlvnsore was just bored and found me really annoying shown in screenshot one…. not only that they also called me out for heavily referencing or tracing when they reposted an artpiece thats doing the same thing. Svlvn said they are on my ass because i didnt credit who i referenced, when the person they reposted didnt do the same either proof in screenshot two three and four. Another thing i caught on to is that they SPECIFICALLY said they didnt care that i self harmed or did horrible things to myself when they posted about me. i have anxiety, i overthink! of course im going to do bad things to myself, im mentally unwell. proof in screenshot 5… and for screenshot 6, this is only an assumption, but saying that svlvn "didnt know" is something that really throws me off. when someone makes a callout post on someone else, there will OBVIOUSLY be harassment. thats just my thought, i feel like they knew what they were doing since him and his bf arent very good people either. especially holding onto old dms and gathering them up to use it against me, when they could have handled the situation privately with me, rather than hide it behind my back.

all of this could have been prevented if they handled it differently, and that goes for me as well.

im fully aware im in the wrong, but these people are wrong in some places too. and i want people to realize that.

many artists in tcc trace, reference, all the time. i dont understand why im slandered for heavily referencing something, not tracing. theres proof of an artist doing this FROM THE ORIGINAL ARTIST BTW in my dms right now but i dont get them involved

am i handling this situation immaturely? maybe, but arent they doing the same by harassing me? absolutely.

when it comes to someone being racist/homophobic, people feel the need to harass this person to make them feel worse about what they did. this isnt how you handle a situation. harassing someone to the point they attempt suicide is just as bad as what i did, possibly even worse.

now i have recover slowly until i have the chance to even feel comfortable with myself again. i understand what i said and did was wrong, and im sitting here attempting to change and apologize to the people ive offended and hurt, but throwing that apology under the rug and making it seem like im guilt tripping is ridiculous.

so they cant say i didnt try to apologize, but nobody is guaranteed to accept my apology and thats okay. but putting it out there as if im guilt tripping when im giving reasons why i said it is not even giving me a chance to change

when it comes to growing up with a HUGE racist family, these words and beliefs become apart of my vocabulary and thoughts. its very hard to change that especially when i was always told "its just a word" and i hear it daily! growing up with these slurs has become so normal for me to say it just slips out with no worry, but ofc im seen as guilt tripping when i say this.

its different for each person, i saw a comment saying they grew up in a southern family and they dont say it, but thats them, not me.

people at school and during family events would peer pressure me into saying this slurs multiple times because they found it "funny." i slowly believed that as well.

i was a young teen being taught the wrong things, and seeing other people in tcc say it made me feel like i should say it as well to fit in and be edgy, since thats what the community is like

this situation is another lesson for me to learn, but other people in it need to learn that harassing someone isnt okay, either. especially when im trying to change, it doesnt make it any easier.”

[zhng96]

TONGUE TIED! ― han yujin.

↳ in which no words can touch the feelings you have inside your heart that long for your childhood friend and classmate.

↳ req: could you maybe write about yujin from zb1? smth inspired by baby i by ariana grande (kinda like him or reader trying to confess but getting all shy and not knowing how to say it)

↳ pairing: childhood friend + classmate!han yujin x gn!reader

↳ warnings: swearing,, this is so bad im so sorry 💔

perm taglist: @tzuberry @hrtattcker @yueriots @neohyxn @avocarua @dwcljh @uyujns @knrejj @taeraemisu

being friends with han yujin as kids- despite still being kids- you figure that just because you grew up together didn't mean that you'd also grow old together.

after middle school, the two of you just kind of... fell out of touch. but, as the distance between you two grew, so did new feelings and perspectives on each other.

yujin was never one for expressing his feelings through his words- you on the other hand, consider yourself contemptly well-spoken.

but, with yujin- you found yourself scrambling to find the right words. when you pull out a journal, writing the feelings for the boys, you consider, is harder than writing a two page research paper on the most half-assed prompt given to you.

despite the falling out you two faced, you two were still just as patient, kind and willing to talk just as much as the other person.

this being said- with the embarrassing amount of times you've managed to get him alone to confess, you mess it up- whether you stutter, you are mid sentence and get all shy so you change the topic, or you lose your confidence before you even start your sentence and end up telling him a silly fun fact- yujin was always so patient. so patient, that you figured he already knew of your feelings.

(more below the cut!)

you quickly scratched that thought, surely yujin isn't the type to just sit around and let people walk all over him like that- he'd tell you if he was uncomfortable, surely, if he liked you back, he would've saved you your ego as well- so what did he know about your feelings?

let's just say, he knew a lot more than you thought.

even if yujin wasn't the best with words- hell was he good at reading people. he sees it all; the way you blush, you suddenly stumbling uncharacteristically over your words, and your obvious flustered state, all only occurring when you managed to get him alone.

not to worry though, he found your failed attempts at showcasing your affections very endearing. he figures that's what lead him to obnoxiously making it known to his friends that he'll stay behind to finish his report in the library once they are dismissed, hoping you'd hear his schedule for the hours after-school.

"dude, we haven't hung out in like forever... what are you planning to do afterschool anyways?" his friend scoffs sulkingly, raising his hands up in an effort to show his great distress.

"sorry... my mom's been seeing my grades drop so i think i'll head to the library after school today."

in his peripheral vision, yujin swears he sees you perk up- he takes this as a sign that he's succeeded in luring you out to talk to him again.

of course, yujin didn't mean to leave you in the dust like this because he wanted to- it was just... he wanted to see you, he wanted to talk to you, and most of all- he kind of enjoyed the blush on your face whenever you caught him alone and tried to talk to him. yujin knows you’re an intelligent person in many ways, he wants to hear you say the three words that tingle on the tip of your tongue.

it's been almost 15 minutes now since yujin has sat in his place in the library- a textbook open and his notebook on the side. it was all for show of course- but since the 15 minutes felt like a century, he decided to take up some real studying.

the silence of the library combined with the long words painted in the textbook- yujin feels his head drop. at the snap of his neck, he quickly composes himself again and shakes it off.

before he can go back to reading, a hand quickly snatches his wrist and forcibly drags him outside. hearing the library door close with a click behind him, yujin watches the back of your head. it was as if he could feel the steam rising from it.

you were mad.

coming to an abrupt stop, you tug at his wrist again, making him look straight into your eyes.

if he couldn't tell you were angry before, he sure could now. the fire in your eyes was a dead given.

"you know what's going on don't you? you've known this whole time?!"

yujin parts his lips in surprise, "what do you mean?" despite it coming out as a genuine question, he was certain he knew what you were trying to get at.

you immediately blush, regretting your bold action and instantly let go of his wrist.

"ah..." he smirks, watching your face light up in discomfort.

you meet his eyes to find a smug look etched across his face, "am i wrong?" you scoff, finding yourself unable to maintain eyecontact for longer than a second at a time.

you could almost feel how his smile got bigger at your remark, "sorry... i just wanted to hear it come out of your mouth."

your eyes widen at his implication. he wanted... to hear it. does that mean- "so instead you make me embarrass myself if front of you repeatedly?! you're the worst han yujin..."

"ouch... c'mon don't hurt my feelings now... you still have to confess~”

"oh you little!"

navi. mlist.

[sangyeonsofthours]

"where do you think you're going?" your sudden raspy voice almost hurts from its roughness in the silent bedroom.

you had just spent the last ten minutes struggling against a deep slumber after one long pleasurable session with your fuck buddy, who was meant to be cuddling you right now instead of putting back his clothes. you just can’t believe this little piece of heaven is already in his jeans, almost ready to leave you.

on the other way around, sangyeon spent the said ten minutes trying to slip away from your arms without disturbing your sleep. but as if right on cue, when his arms attempted to slip his shirt on, you had to come back from dreamland and turn his exit harder than it already was.

“i have a class at 10 today” he sighs, shirt still hanging out on his broad shoulders, halfway through being put on, "you know i can't skip it anymore". with his back still facing you and only his head tuned to the side, he throws you a little smile.

“you said that five classes ago” you say, and the real battle begins when you throw him a devilish smirk.

detangling your naked body from the white sheets you can’t help but notice how the bedroom floor is a mess after last night’s activities, with your clothes discarded all over it. not that it is such new information since it always happens when you and sangyeon are too thirsty and desperate for each other.

“come back!” you say, approaching the man before you.

“uh-” you push yourself up against sangyeon’s naked back, delicately letting your fingers touch his slim waist in a caress you know he loves. sangyeon’s body is warm, just like his personality. and you try to steal as much of his warmth as you can, leaning down to kiss his shoulder with feather-like kisses, keeping your eyes in the tiny side part you can see from his face, studying his reaction.

you follow a path up reaching just under his ear and sangyeon can’t help but giggle, finding your behavior too cute, as he lets go of his shirt to take your hands into his, bringing them to fully hug him from behind. you rub your nose against his neck causing a fit of chills to erupt down the man’s skin.

the scene could look kinda erotic, like some romatic aesthetic movie maybe. your naked chest is pressed agains sangyeon's back and the morning sunlight coming through the curtains infuses a yellow aura into your room. it makes your skin and sangyeon's glow. it’s beautiful and cozy.

see, that’s the problem with being friends with benefits. you crave sangyeon’s presence and affection, still, you’re incapable of vocalizing it in the right way.

so all you do is beg him to stay.

“don’t go” your voice is just a low mumble now, and this garners sangyeon’s attention. it’s your bedroom voice, a tone you very much reserve for him, when you want him completely weak for you.

and sangyeon wants so bad to say no, not because he doesn’t want to stay but because he thinks it would be better that he didn’t.

so that’s it. you both are just such dumbers in love.

what started out as just some casual friends with benefits relationship between you and lee sangyeon, grew into something that is now completely out of control. and you’re both growing attached to each other, spending most of your free time together, doing things that your mutual friends would point as… couple things. can you imagine that? developing more than just platonic feelings towards your fuck buddy?

it's confusing. still, you do what your heart wants you to do.

“stay, please?” you beg and unbeknown to you, sangyeon does just the same.

“alright, i’ll stay… but just this time.”

“hm, that’s debatable” you hum, lips curving into a big grin as the man of your dreams just turns around in your embrace, leaning right in to kiss you hard like a starved man, hugging you tight against his body.

and even though you don’t know it yet, both of your hearts flutter for each other.

n/a: ok... so... i guess i'm back???? im sorry for any mistakes, that's not proof readen, i just wrote it in a rush bc of INSPIRATION and asdjqwaçsdlska i dont know, what do you guys think about it? ill try to be more active now I PROMISE

[poliel]

Bugsnax Drabbles: Filbo/Buddy & Beffica - Trust Me

Summary: Hey, could you write Filbo asking buddy out (or the other way around)

~

How was one meant to ask their housemate out on a date? Normally living together was a step taken sometime after a romantic relationship became serious. What was one meant to do when they’d moved in with a friend before later realizing there were more than solely friendly feelings there? If they didn’t live together, the fear of making things awkward would’ve been less intense… probably anyway. But as it was, if their friendship grew awkward as a result of Buddy’s confession so would their living situation.

Buddy could just let it go and was tempted to. Romance was nice but not strictly needed. They were happy to just be friends. But… what if Filbo reciprocated? Then Buddy would just be sitting on their feelings for no reason the way Snorpy had been. Which would be lame and so…Buddy eventually found themself talking to Beffica about it over text.

‘Don’t be weird about it and just tell him you like him.’ she sent in reply to their long thought out paragraph explaining their problem.

‘Duh.’ That’s the exact thing they were trying to avoid. ‘How do I not make it weird?’

‘Say you like him romantically and/or ask him out on a date. Make extra super sure he knows it a date though. Don’t wanna pull another Snorpy.’

‘If he doesn’t feel the same, it’ll awkward living with him after.’

This time her reply took a while before coming in. ‘Maybe, idk. I think he likes you though. So don’t worry about it.’

‘Why do you think he likes me?’

‘;)’

‘What does that mean?’

‘Just talk to him, tell him how you feel. Trust me.’

Buddy would trust her with their life so it should be easy to trust her here too but… what if she was wrong? She was smart sure and good at figuring out people’s secrets. But she could easily be misreading whatever it was that had made her think Filbo might reciprocate Buddy’s feelings. Or maybe she was just trying to mess with them by pretending she knew something when she didn’t. Perhaps a method to get them to just confess as that was likely the smartest thing to do. And so they probably should just confess, huh?

***

At the same time, elsewhere in the house

Filbo’s hope that his crush on Buddy would fade grew more and more fragile every day they lived together. It was supposed to have been just a stress thing from Snaxtooth but they lived together now and Filbo was basically in love.

Maybe ‘love’ was a bit of a strong word. But the evenings spent hanging out casually with Buddy, sometimes doing something together, other times just existing in the same space doing their own things, were warm and comfy in a way Filbo had never experience before. It was different than hanging out with the rest of the group. Not necessarily more special or fun just different in a way that he couldn’t explain to save his life. He wanted to do it more and he wanted to touch Buddy, cuddle, maybe even kiss or maybe, in his dreams, a bit more than just kissing.

They were housemates though. Meaning if Flibo confessed any of these thoughts of feelings and Buddy didn’t return them, their friendship and living situation would be awkward. The absolute last thing Filbo wanted. But he wanted more so bad.

Normally his go to person for advice was Buddy, who obviously couldn’t be consulted on this, leaving him bereft of ideas. He couldn’t just continue to ignore it though… could he? Ultimately he ended up pulling out his personal phone and scrolling through his contacts. … Beffica naturally was at the top of the list. They got along much better these days – even if she still wasn’t Filbo’s favorite of the friend group – and she was good with people, right? She wrote about them all the time. Thus she’d at least have some idea what he should do, right?

‘i think im in love with buddy what do i do?’ he sent.

The reply took long enough to make him almost regret this decision. ‘OMG! Really?’

‘yes please help your good with people right?’

‘Have you tried talking?’

‘no should i?’

‘Yeah, dumdum. Don’t be like Snorpy and Chandlo. Or do be like them. It would be funny if it happened twice in the same friend group.’

‘what if they don’t like me back though?’

‘Don’t worry about that. Talk to them.’

‘how can i not worry?’ Worrying was like Filbo’s thing.

‘Trust me. Just talk to them.’

Well the other option was to continue to ignore it, right? So maybe Filbo should take the risk. Especially since he did indeed not want to potentially end up like Snorpy and Chandlo, dancing around feelings and not quite dating for who even knows how long. ‘ok i guess thanks’

‘No prob. Let me know how it goes. :)’

`

[A/N] The idea here is that Beffica is texting with both of them at the same time. I don't know how well that comes off since it's not written from her POV, hence this note to make it more clear.

[basslinegrave]

its always nice to come back to a ship after a "break" from it to be able to look back at things and look at everything with fresh eyes and stuff.

thinking about stobotnik (and shipping them romantically, to be specific) and how easy it is to look at them and go yep, theyre together. i guess partially because theres nobody telling me otherwise (or im good at avoiding those peeps online) and its all quite open, but from a new perspective i wouldnt even say its That toxic (if you ignore the fact that theyre literally evil) only thinking of jims words saying its abusive, hes like the only one i care about saying stuff since hes part of this. i have thoughts about that... but besides that - maybe its some weird copium but. to me, at worst it can be one sided, at best its literally anything. couple, "married", weird unlabeled Thing going on, i eat them all up. (i understand a lovey dovey bot is quite ooc, but thats not the only way to show love, and he definitely has his own ways)

my biggest thought lately is how in s2 bot is much nicer to stone, but i dont take it as "oh he changed and grew as a person while exiled and isnt abusive anymore" but rather "this is the norm" and him being awful to stone in s1 was literally just because of sonic. like this little alien thing is a completely new variable in the flow of things and it made him so frustrated, he already has a short fuse, so this is just what happened. also thinking about how hes a bit more collected normally (in s2 its also from the emerald, and some newfound false confidence, But in s1 before they find sonic you can see him going from stern but collected to just a shouting mess ), like this brought out this side of him or amplified it (a side which he absolutely would not hide around stone) it is also fun to think, oh he just bullies him. (but i obviously dont look at that as too bad, i guess in fanon you can play with the idea that stone fucks with it) but with them deleting all of those scenes for s2, for a few reasons ig, it tells a slightly different story to me... does this make sense? the way he talks to stone at the start in s1 and in the good cop bad cop scene is like quite calm to me for robotnik. thats how i imagine he would normally be around stone. smiling at him more often than snarling, showing off etc. the way the manifesto is written too, theres respect given to stone, and i doubt it was written inbetween the movies or last second. like that is something that he made x time ago imo way before s1, so the way he barked at him in the 'pin yourself to the wall' scene, to me thats just plain frustration and lack of emotion control taking over. plus how he completely switches that off once he notices the quill, no he doesnt hate stone, hes not angry at him, hes just angry. and stone was the closest person to take it out on. is that healthy? no, but it makes for the most fun dynamic ive seen in my fav media so i love that.

and the whole thing with him grabbing stone and shoving fingers in his mouth and what not, in all fairness your honor, he is literally innocent. he is neurodivergent and his love language is on the same level as people biting other people they like. its literally just that (reminds me of someone that i strongly believe had a crush on me in hs and they would ask to sit next to me in class and then push me off my chair and write on and tear my notes and it was cute to me. so im projecting that onto stone okay)

[cacklefrendly]

I love how you draw your gin and vodka!!!!!they so cool and cute!!!now I wonder what is you're gin backstory.like do he parent work with the organization or something like that??I'm just curious

:D AWW THANKIEEE ANON!! i keep telling myself that i'm gonna draw them being threatening and. it doesn't happen. they end up being sappy again. so im glad i'm not the only one who enjoys it regardless lmao

as for backstories. uh.

good question.

what backstory my personal versions of Gin and Vodka DO have — and my versions of the entire Black Org. team, too — is vague enough to be almost canon-compliant while leaving plenty of wiggle-room in case future canon declares any new information i think is interesting. it's not a tactical choice! working around canon to make things complicated is part of what makes playing with side characters fun for me. :>

also i'll admit: i usually don't think much about a character's childhood unless it gives something meaningful to the story. i don't think it matters too much why Gin got into the Black Organization? to me, it matters more that he's there and making it everyone else's problem :P i might change my mind later though, we'll see!!

for Gin and Vodka, at least, their backstories are more of a years-long, vaguely three-arc showcase of who they are at wildly different points in their lives together, which has some really interesting moments implied but not explicitly stated.

just for fun, here's a synopsis of those 'Arcs': (i remembered to write a transcript this time, it's under the read-more)

“ARC” 1: SETUP (met once, briefly, by accident.)

VODKA (asides: “Just some dude” & “he uses cheap ballpoints and it hurts my soul. he gets better I promise.”)

maybe grew up in a rural area?

recently finished college, working at one of the Black Organization's front companies

dealing with being a closeted gay man while also trying not to get involved in normal office drama and still hear all the gossip

Very Aware that the company is doing some shady illegal stuff and is SUPER CURIOUS, but 1), he'd like to keep being payed thank you, and 2), he has enough self-preservation to know better than to go snooping

honestly he's just Some Guy

GIN (asides: “dysphoria hoodie” & “[PROTOTYPE] called, Alex wants his damn clothes back.”)

where did you even come from-

working as a low-level assassin with the Black Organization but already starting to garner attention from some of the higher-ups

aggressive, paranoid, AND experiencing dysphoria all at the same time!!! uh oh!!

dealing with the gradual realization that being trans is. a Thing. while also having a really bad-ass action movie as a life, complete with betrayal and murder and explosions

starts transitioning after he climbs the Organization's ranks enough to carve out a place he KNOWS he's safe and can relax

“ARC” 2: MEET-NOT-CUTE (a year or two after “Arc” 1)

VODKA

suffering from the aftermath of The Incident and trying to grapple with the fact that he's been working for an international crime syndicate

and trying to understand his role in all of this mess

and trying not to get killed by his new boss

AND is trying not to think about the fact that his new boss is SO scary and mean

AND trying SO HARD NOT TO THINK ABOUT HOW HE'S KINDA INTO THAT-

GIN

high-ranked enough that he can no longer keep working alone and he HATES IT SO MUCH

it's not just a blow to his pride, it's also all the paranoia. it's mostly the paranoia, to be quite honest

called dibs on the most harmless, pathetic-looking man he could find who still seemed to be useful. and that man was Vodka

even so, spends a good while CONVINCED that Vodka will turn on him if Gin gives him the chance.

BOTH

Gin keeps trying to bait Vodka into trying to kill him and is infuriated as nothing happens.

Vodka sees the bait and is confused at first, later horrified when he figures out what Gin's expecting him to do

as Vodka shows his usefulness, Gin starts to calm down. full-on Trust takes several years to develop

the first time Gin falls Asleep near Vodka freaks Gin out more than a little

“ARC” 3: GET A FUCKIN ROOM (roughly a few years before and into Canon)

Vodka: “If you want coffee you gotta’ let go.” Gin: “*unintelligible sounds of disapproval*”

they aren't in a romantic relationship. they haven't even had a one-night stand. and yet they carry a very "aging gays who've been married for 30 years" energy. it drives the Team up the wall.

before the Trust developed, Vodka let Gin control/initiate all contact as an appeasement/self-preservation strategy. at this point he still does it, but out of habit more than anything.

plot twist, Gin's actually super tactile with people he trusts. he invades Vodka's personal space constantly. it's especially bad when he's cold or tired (so, most of the time)

they know each other's boundaries very well even though they never, like, sat down and talked about it. it's been trial and error thus far. it helps that they're also good at reading each other.

Vodka's uncomfortable attraction turned into a crush, which turned into quiet love. Gin's wariness turned into trust, which turned into love. BUT Gin's doesn't think much about trust OR romance so he's not actually aware (yet) that his feelings for Vodka are more than Really Strong Trust. he also doesn't know Vodka's feelings for him (YET)

there are so many ways this fucking slow-burn could end and I love all of them too much to pick just one

[maryallenc]

some disorganized thoughts about the latest ep

everyone was on fire, i really love it

i am generally pro-prime deities, but i am actually enjoying the perspective of those siding with the fuck the gods team in this party

simply because it serves to tell me more about the character rather than the actual debate itself

it makes sense

and maybe im wrong but the discussion at least doesnt feel as extensive

deni$e is impersonal

prism is doing as expected of swinging between getting swept up and looking at it with an academic perspective

and i realize ashton and prism were probably the only ones who seem satisfied with what they did

but anyway

i appreciate deni$e so much

shes definitely a simpler character than the rest, but shes also the most self-assured

i wouldnt exactly call her the rock of the group rn but i think its a good thing shes there to focus on what they did all that for, which was the scry

and i see bor'dor and prism as foils

theyre both relatively young and suddenly put outside of their comfort zone and out on their own on a world on the verge of something akin to an apocalypse and they have no idea whats happening

prism is loving it while bor'dor absolutely does not

not surprising considering the vast differences of backgrounds

but at the end there, bor'dor becomes a lot more conflicted after being the one to kill the angel, while prism seems to be the one most glad with the outcome

theres something i just adore with both of them obviously getting swept up with the fight and fighting for what they were told was right

but it ends bor'dor just even more lost and prism more confident

and bor'dor! i love that he has no idea and hes just a guy, but i loved that conversation with orym

i love that he was quick to see the whole picture from the lens of a simple guy from a smaller world than the one has was transported into, pointing out that abbadina is just as clueless

and i love prism's role here

it makes sense for a relatively young and impressionable girl whos out here finding herself and grew up with a complicatwd relationship with her people's deity and a scholar's academic perspective to be asking these questions and getting swept up by these new ideas

she gets easily swept up but at the same time acknowledges that she also has to ponder them on her own

i just. i love whats emily doing with her

shes pushing for these answers and inadvertently bringing up bad memories but she has to know to understand

and ashton is. sigh.

ashton's not okay

ashton was really all for hearthdell's side here, and it makes sense for our punk rock here

and his issues just further exacerbated it when faced with the angel of the god protecting the institution oppressing this village

i admit raising an eyebrow at his takeaway from that encounter but it does make sense

do i fully and wholeheartedly agree? no, not really

but it's consistent with his character

god theyre such a fucking mess. a disaster.

love them

orym continues to break my heart

i was cooing and making noises during his conversation with laudna

he is so lost again

he is definitely grieving right now and that moment with laudna is so important

speaking of laudna!

laudna has definitely become one of my favorites during this arc

i love seeing this bitter and angry side to her

god ashton wouldve loved to have witnessed that

but im glad orym was there

theres so much contrast to orym's despair and just the dark anger in laudna in that scene

and orym reaches out, and laudna immediately reaches back in support and god im so glad i got this scene

i have been waiting for another big scene between them besides laudna revealing her backstory to orym

like. besides imogen, the other prominent dynamic laudna has is with ashton

which is a combination of just open and brutal honesty, mutual understanding and support, but also constant needling and provocation to prove to the other person that their perspective and responses are the right one

but laudna was surprisingly open to orym without any effort

maybe its because the compartmentalization cracked during the fight and a lot of things are trigerring her right now and she is just so done with abbadina and the town itself after what she has been through and she is just so over all these constantly putting themselves into danger when there are more important things

but i found it so delightful

i want more of this laudna

both laudna and orym are so done

they are my definitive faves in bells hells

i want more scenes of them together

on the other hand

my prediction/wish that these side of bells hells are gonna reunite with the others as more feral versions of themselves seem to be going great

love it 🥲🥲🥲🥲🥲

[0xo]

that post about trying to break cycles by being nothing like ur abuser but actually failing to grow better behaviors... (tw lots of talk of suicide and death, mentions of abuse)

really hitting hard rn considering the death of my uncle who hated his (admittedly terrible) father but ended up perpetuating the same exact bullshit onto his wife and kids. and then died bc he couldn't face that fact. like when faced w divorce and the idea of losing his control over his family he... fucked off and died. (still don't have details on how, unsure if it was on purpose but. signs point to...) [AND PREFACING WITH: i do NOT think all people who die by suicide are cowardly or bad people or anything like that. i am talking about a very specific and complicated situation in my own family. please do not interpret this as me saying that all people who die by suicide were bad people/dodging responsibility/could've "worked harder to improve their situation." i know deeply that that is NOT the case, i have been personally impacted by suicide in other ways. i am just discussing one person and the circumstances around his death.]

and of course im sad, we were close once, he is family. ofc im sad he felt dying was better than trying to sort out his life or trying to be a good coparent. but the way he treated his (very sweet, very patient) wife was deeply unacceptable to me. he isolated her, and didn't properly care for his high-support needs autistic kids, and pinned it all on her. he was terrible to my mother and forced all my grandma's end of life care on my mother. he hurt us a lot with his behavior.

and like. i don't think he necessarily deserved to die bc of it, right? he had his own issues, he cut himself off too and refused help from everyone, these problems run in the family and he knew that and still wouldn't accept help. and you can't MAKE anyone accept help. but i can't help but think that if he'd, maybe, been open to the people who loved him, he could've... restructured. he was so smart, so clever, so creative! he could've done anything he wanted to, he was so good at anything he tried.

and yet. in trying to avoid being like his father. he ended up doing all the same things. and i think that was too much for him to handle. and i hate that, i hate that so much.

he leaves behind two brilliant, brilliant children - they're SO CLEVER. but he couldn't accept their support needs and didn't treat them well. they don't even know he's dead yet, i don't think. but they love him, and he saw them as manipulative and trying to intentionally ruin his life. they're small children. they haven't even developed the capability to manipulate yet, they just want some chocolate milk, right? and yet he compared those kids to his father.

it just hurts. this wasn't necessary. my poor fucking mum is now an orphan with two dead siblings. how is she meant to deal with all this? how is she supposed to reconcile the grief of his needless death with the absolutely shit way he treated her and their mother?

luckily we love his widow very much and we will make sure she and the kids are okay. but i truly don't understand anything. it just sucks balls to watch someone ruin their own life and leave a giant fucked up mess behind. and then everyone's saying sorry and apologizing for my loss, like i didn't lose him years ago, like we were still close, like i'm not angry with the way he treated the people around him. we grew up like siblings. but that connection was basically severed when he started acting like a jackass. i don't know how to respond to people trying to comfort me. they all assume i'm really really sad, and i am, but i'm also pissed off, and i don't think anyone knows what to do with that.

because you're not supposed to be pissed at someone for dying, especially if it's probably suicide, you're meant to be tragically sad. you're not supposed to say they were wrong, you're supposed to apologize for being wrong and not seeing the signs earlier, you're supposed to be sorry. and you're not supposed to speak ill of the dead, even if they were fucking complicated, you're meant to shove all those negative emotions aside to grieve the good of them.

and i do grieve the good of him! i grieve the family member he could've been if he had actually broken cycles! but i'm fucking angry. you don't get to treat everyone around you like shit and then kill yourself to get out of being remembered as an asshole. it doesn't work like that. you're still an asshole, now you're just dead and can't take responsibility for fucking up people's lives. i'm sorry he felt that was the best way out. AND good god, he was a grown man with every opportunity to improve himself. and he chose to stagnate and be fucking mean. dying in a shit way doesn't erase that.

and like, listen, i understand that people are complicated. i don't think everyone who dies by suicide is an asshole. MOST people who do were genuinely failed by the people and systems around them, they weren't bad people, they were in bad situations. they didn't have help or a way out. it's not inherently selfish or evil, it's fucking devastatingly sad.

and mental illness is complicated and hard. like. hm. i don't think it's his fault he was fucked up, it runs heavy in our family, he was traumatized too. but. he talked so much about growing past that and then just... didn't. he had support, he had a good therapist, he talked the talk. and didn't walk the walk AT ALL. he treated people like dirt. and i understand that certain illness our family is prone to, they make it extremely hard to get or accept help, okay? i get that. i really do. but you can't just fall back on mental illness and trauma as an excuse for financially/emotionally abusing your wife and neglecting-to-the-point-of-abusing your children. it wasn't okay when his dad did it and it's not okay that he did it. and what makes it worse is that he was so aware of how fucked up his childhood made him, and self-aware enough to superficially recognize his own faults, but not enough to change how he interacted with people. why must these cycles continue! why!

i'm so angry and so sad. i don't even know my cousins well because he was so ashamed of how poorly he treated them that he cut us off from them. he hated my mum and so held me at arm's length to avoid interacting with her in any capacity. they're sweet kids...

anyways. sorry. im just so so so so so so so so so tired of death in my family and abuse cycles. im so tired in general and these giant unnameable unfathomable emotions don't help. i feel like the suicide element makes it even harder to talk about, because i sound like an absolute cunt for saying any of this to people who don't know the situation. nothing about it is simple. nothing about it is easy. i don't know what to do anymore at all tbh!!!!!!

[kind-of-a-shitty-wizard]

I've been thinking about him for some time already (YOU KNOW WHO...) and I think. he's just Like That ™. the gentleman killer. Haskillcore boring old man stuff enjoyer that spends weekends reading newspapers and philosophy books. looks down on people that lack manners. DOES want to serve for the best of his abilities and be appreciated. But ALSO I get the vibes... that he's the way he is because he's a shitty wizard.

HEAR ME OUT... It was just a joke at first but his fiasco with messing the most basic spell and being thrown out of the train..... I feel like he, in fact, can be incompetent wizard and that can fuck him up SO BADLY... like inferiority complex... I can imagine him being young & dreaming of becoming a great wizard & failing painfully. So now he compensates it with self-taught magic and dark arts (his necromancy interest). “dark magic is just misunderstood, not evil"...

I also get vibes from him of being bullied? I would take away his lunch yk. And now he allows people to walk over him and it's not just a job thing he's just like that. Until the moment he snaps. And murder may be the way for him to feel being in-control, which he usually lacks. Feel like he hass power. He doesn't feel nor act like purple guy jeff the killer (he's too old for that) but. Sometimes he thinks “It would be nice to kill someone right now. I also need cash. Hmm.” and that's now it happens. Maybe he feels alive when he does that, but it's only in-moment feeling that doesn't stay. I feel like he's pretty sensitive and can say when he feels bad(offended) or good(proud), but doesn't really have emotional intelligence? The feelings are there, what to do with them? who knows. not him. he goes out on the streets at night. depreesion)

I think he knows a lot about magic and artifacts (found out about the relic by private investigation or smth) but he can't use that intformation himself! what a shame! I get the vibes that he can be almost . cursed . to be a bad wizard. he's probably not but it just feels that way. so many potential in such cringefail loser (/affectionate). and he knows that and mourns that! what does he do with his life!

I rotate him in my mind he's so interesting what is wrong with him . . .

NODS VIGOROUSLY ALONG WITH YOUR POINTS im sitting here taking notes for my fic fr!! i actually hit on a lot of the same conclusions you did which makes me so happy, but one of the main differences was i thought he might actually be a good wizard, BUT i think your reading that he's ACTUALLY just a shitty wizard is more interesting character-wise....

like you said "he knows a lot about magic and artifacts but he can't use that intformation himself" <- YESSS. i think the exact way that he's shitty is that he definitely has the theoretical knowledge, but he can't apply it for shit. <3 like at the end of rockport limited he clearly knew the flame spell he was going to use, he just... fucking misses by a country mile LMFAO, even the meat monsters seem a little cobbled-together, like he knows the the theory but there's little finesse in the execution.

"he's the way he is because he's a shitty wizard." <- OK BC THIS BASIS IS SO GOOD. hes got so much ambition but no talent, and that informs everything about him!! - it's my headcanon that he grew up lower-middle class, and i think combining that with being bullied and being bad at magic contributed to an inferiority complex. and he likes refined things precisely because he likes the image of himself as this powerful refined (rich) person when he's really just grasping at it desperately :)))

aaand i think the dark arts provide shortcuts to power for the price of sacrificing another living thing, SO FOR JENKINS, who was a shitty wizard and an asshole who's totally willing to sacrifice people for power, it suited him perfectly :)))))))

not to mention all the points u brought up abt why he kills are so good. i think it's firstly a practicality thing (he needs the money, like u said), but then secondarily an outlet for his anger (he's a bit emotionally unintelligent like u also said lol). i think he learned how to deal with this simmering hatred in the exact wrong way, where he bottles it up during the day when ppl push him around and then lets it out during his murders. instead of yknow... learning to not let ppl push him around, and manage his anger and deal with it less destructively SDFLSDFKJ. and it became a cycle. so now he's a serial murderer cos he's into this repress-release pattern, someone get this man into therapy or get him a boyfriend who can fix him !!

AND... okok final point bc its getting a bit long. "so many potential in such cringefail loser (/affectionate). and he knows that and mourns that! what does he do with his life!" <- YES. perhaps even. he is not cut out to be a wizard..... he clearly has ambition, and good taste, and a flair for the dramatic, and mental problems, which means. of course. he is perfectly suited for the theater--//SHOT

[kaisacobra]

Thank you for saying that it really means a lot, I actually used to write fan-fiction a couple years back and I’ve recently tried to start again but I’m very critical of what I write and how I write it so I’m incapable of producing a single chapter.

Keep it mysterious, I’ll be eagerly awaiting whatever you gift us ✨

Now that you mention it, yes I completely understand what you mean about R not being able to be extremely cold to Tara. R seems like the type of person who’d be hurt and disappointed, someone who wouldn’t necessarily be cold to Tara but would definitely hide from her. For R I’d imagine it’d be an internal battle of what she wants versus what she deserves, we already get a feel for that in the first chapter but it was easier for her to choose what she wants- which is to provide whatever comfort and happiness Tara wants because she loves her so much over what she deserves- someone who cares about her in a consistent manner and not only when it’s convenient (boo Tara😡). After Tara’s outburst I think R would have to force herself in every way possible to really process that she can’t put Tara’s needs above her own anymore, as much as she loves Tara doing that would reinforce the notion that everything Tara said is true. We know she always runs back but now that’s she’s been ridiculed for it she can’t.

The way she’s always there for Tara makes me wonder about her background. Maybe this is TMI, but I personally have experienced many relationships like this in the past. My father abandoned my sister and I at a very young age, so part of the reason I would always be there for them and never left first even when I should’ve but wouldn’t- was because I never wanted them to feel as unloved and unworthy as I did when my father left me. By the time I was a teenager I’d already forgiven him for all the abuse my family endured because of him, in my heart nobody could ever hurt me the way he hurt me- so I’d forgive them even though the people around me would expressively tell me not to, you know? But im older now and I stand my ground, i can leave when if its what’s best for me and not get too caught up in what’s best for them.

I’m from California by the way! It’s 10:30PM right now, you’re from Brazil though? That’s so cool! Did you grow up there? My parents were born in Mexico but they moved to USA in the late 1980’s, I wanna move to Mexico and live there for a couple years because my mother loves and talks about her hometown so much, the idea of seeing where she grew up in person and picturing her as a little girl warms my heart.

- ☘️ (I’m gonna use this as my anon tag from now on)

I feel like everyone is gonna be critical when it comes to their own stuff, like, I'm not kidding when I said i thought second best wasn't that good, specially because I used to be an essay tutor/monitor at school and my writing had to be more than perfect. Just remember that usually you're gonna be more critical of your work than other people and it doesn't mean that what you write is actually bad.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm glad that you can stand your ground now!💪 I know this will sound oddly ironic but all the background information I have on R is about... Tara. In my head, R is divided by past (beginning of friendship, woodsboro), present (the current mess) and future (what's gonna happen) so, in a way, maybe her life is all about Tara😔

I don't think R's family are gonna make an appearance so I'll leave it up for you guys to hc whatever you want as R's reason for being so attached to Tara.

California seems so nice! And yeah, i grew up here and i wouldn't have it any other way🤭 Maybe this happens to everyone in their own home country but i just love my culture and history so much, I can't imagine living anywhere else.

Mexico sounds super cool! I've been wanting to go there, specially in 2026 because of the world cup (really wanted to see it live) but i dont think it's gonna happen😔 Either way it's a beautiful country i wanna visit someday and i definitely have to start improving my spanish.

[crazylittlejester]

Okay, so I finally finished the big fic rec project! I'm excited about having it posted at last, it took approximately forever to do, and I still have to go back and properly read everything I speed-read because I want to leave comments. The only problem is that I have no idea how collections work on Ao3. But the Tumblr post is done, and that's the important part! Every single fic and series on there is also in my Google bookmarks folder and properly labelled, so if anything spontaneously combusts, we're all good. But heaven forbid I have to go through and format that all over again.

Anyway, we're onto today's brainrot which is kind of the whole point of this. I've been thinking about Hyrule and his cooking (again) and come to two conclusions:

First one being that it'd be funny if the reason he was bad at cooking was because he was a time traveler or something and just stuck with the Civil War and/or WWI/WWII era recipes he grew up on. What prompted this idea? Absolutely nothing. No thoughts, head empty. Like, look, I know Wild's supposed to be the one that's behind on the times, but I think he'd adapt to the modern world fairly well given everything that happens in his games. Hyrule? Hyrule doesn't care. He would just do what he's always done because it's tried and true.

Second one being that he's totally the guy that knows what is edible and then just eats it. Casually snacks on plants while they're hiking, only to look like a deer caught in headlights when the others realize what's happening. Always looking out the windows in the car and then comments on the roadkill and whether it looks salvageable. His yard is a mess and there's an actual garden in there somewhere, but no one can find it, and he doesn't really care because as long as there's edible stuff out there it's good enough. He's also just casually prepared for hiking and the apocalypse at a moment's notice for no particular reason. Definitely owns a Nokia phone and hitchhikes around when the wanderlust strikes, even though he has a perfectly good bike and Twilight's told him he can borrow the pickup truck.

I'm maybe a little bit completely enraptured with the idea of an academia AU and the new version of Hyrule I have been fixated on ever since. Field researcher Hyrule is a win in my book, and you can pry him out of my cold, dead hands.

PS: I am honored to be your "knows ridiculous amounts of random stuff for seemingly no reason" person.

I SAW UR FIC REC LIST AND I LIKED IT BUT I WAS IN THE MIDDLE OF SOMETHIN AND IT VANISHED SO I GOTTA GO SCROLL THROUGH MY LIKES SO I CAN FIND IT BECAUSE YOU COOKED WITH THAT AND IT DESERVES REBLOGS, ALSO I WANNA READ FICS FROM ON THERE

I’m obsessed with Hyrule just snackin on shit he walks past because he knows it’s edible. AND HE WOULD BE PREPARED FOR THE APOCALYPSE ALWAYS 😭 I LOVE HIM

im obsessed with all ur cool facts i’ve literally learned so much from you

[mydemonsdrivealimo]

I'll always want to hear your opinions. Tell us. Anything. All of it. Whatever. Just have at it 🙃

i am taking this head on as "i get to complain about ethan as much as i want"

i genuinely dislike him. maybe even hate him. i dont care what pb did to him for rn, im just gonna talk about him as a character

i generally despise any boss/employee relationships (and trust me, ive seen it irl; its never cute its actually obnoxious as hell), but this one will forever and always make me uncomfortable when i really think about it. even playing without picking any extra diamond scenes for ethan, i knew way more about him than i ever wanted to. i know for a fact that he wouldve made jensen genuinely uncomfortable on multiple occasions. the way he treats people who arent patients is genuinely inexcusable. hes put up against people like declan and bloom so he doesnt seem that bad, but, especially in the beginning, he barely regarded the interns as real people with real feelings. there is a difference between tough love and being a complete jackass, and he was most certainly the latter

the only reason he softens up is because of mc, and its bullshit. its not mcs job to like him or correct his behavior. he is a whole adult who should be able to keep his temper tantrums to his damn self in his own home. the excuse that hes passionate is complete garbage; he can be passionate without being mean and intolerable. im not saying he should be a nice person and completely change his demeanor (i actually dislike when this happens in fandom pairings because he barely seems like the same person), but, in his current state, he should not have been overseeing interns

oh and dont even get me started on his trauma card. okay, his mom left. okay, he grew up lonely. okay okay okay to all these things. that is still no reason for him to get away with being a dick. the way he treated mc during the reset times and before that cannot and should not be okay because he has "unresolved issues." then he needs to resolve them!!! no, people are not perfect and good characters shouldnt be either, but there also shouldnt be any way to excuse away all the bad things he did

i think one of the only reasons i really have a problem with all of that is because he is painted like a genius, a dedicated professional, a righteous doctor who is the best of the best, enough so to be a teacher. but, hes not. he was never acknowledged in a bad light beside the occasional throwaway remark about him being stubborn or an asshole. if he was ever regarded as a messed up person with actual issues, then i think id be more okay with it, but hes seriously always shown to be a great person when hes not

[rabbitcoveredinmoss]

Rudy Headcanons

Theres like no images on him on pintrest and it makes me angy 

——————

Rudy General Headcanons :3 

Image Credit: Sorry im not really sure, i just nabbed it from google but someone named 'just mctvsh' did post this image on here so credits to them ig :3

▸Wears Gothic Lolita. Tried to find masc outfits but gave up, caved and started wearing the femme outfits. Found out he actually preferred the femme outfits  

▸Of Course can’t wear Gothic Lolita ALL THE TIME so he’ll try to sneak some aspects into some outfits. Maybe a small necklace hiding under his shirt

▸Unlabeled in regards to gender preference(preference for men and masc nonbinary, on and off for women and femme nonbinary)

▸Demisexual

▸LOVES cuddling. Will always ask for them whenever it's appropriate. Sometimes at night if your sleeping in the same bed he’ll started cuddling you in his sleep

▸Very basic level for baking and cooking, he would try to make some more fancy recipes but gave up when he kept burning himself/messing up. Because of his work in the army he normally wouldn’t give up on something so easily but baking does not meet on the same level as army stuff

▸I feel he had a small home gym in his basement. Gym rat but not in the e-boy gotta have fine lined abs way, kinda more like bodybuilders? He’s got some extra weight that doesn’t look like muscle but it is (please tell me you’re picking up what im putting down😭)

▸”Where my hug at?” ironically dw

▸Fav colour is green 100%

▸Struggling with some internalised homophobia. Wants to show his pride but because of the opinions/mindsets he grew up around he finds it hard to openly express himself [im also pretty sure most of the people in the military arent very accepting but this is a fictional setting so lets pretend it ends at his childhood :) ]

▸Alejandro helps him with learning to express himself

▸Has two rats, Wolverine (Alejandro named) and Berry

▸Do I have to specify that Rudy and Alejandro are dating or all we all on the same train on this :D 

▸Plant dad but only to this one potted plant in his bedroom that definitely should have died like a decade ago

▸His personal spaces are all an organised mess

▸Please ask him if he wants to go on a walk with you, he loves going on walk with people, not alone, he can't stand it. Even if you guys don't utter a sound to each other while walking, just the presence of someone else being there makes it enjoyable

▸Bad habit of ignoring people’s texts/messages. He doesn’t really mean to. Puts his phone on silent and even if he does see the message his mind goes on autopilot and he just ignores it, looking at it like hours later. 

▸Has vibrate on for people he’s really close to though. Like Alejandro, his parents, maybe like one of his closest friends, and maybe someone else idk

——————

List is kinda short but i cant think of anything else rn ughh

HAPPY NEW YEAR :D