#so maybe part of my issue was withdrawal symptoms

[cumaeansibyl]

okay this is my biggest conspiracy theory except it's not really a Conspiracy Theory because I am not actually positing a shadowy prime mover who planned the whole thing from the start. that always ends up in wildly antisemitic places where I do not go, and also I don't think anyone in history has had their shit together enough to mastermind Schemes of this type. my theories are always more like "this happened serendipitously and at some point maybe someone noticed and took advantage but there's certainly no central figure in charge."

so we start with the normalization of overwork in our society, since roughly forever. in modern times this led to abuse of medical and recreational stimulants -- everyone was on speed in the 50s and coke in the 80s -- but we all kind of figured out that was a bad idea, for the most part. what we still had after the white powder settled, though, was caffeine. totally legal, totally normalized.

but people were still overworked, and they also still wanted to have energy after work, to do fun things with the little free time left to them.

enter energy drinks.

unlike coffee, which still has the feeling of a daytime beverage and also to some extent a workplace beverage, energy drinks are an anytime food! you can even get them in mixed drinks for a night out. they're for work AND play. they come in a wide range of dose strengths, including a shooter for when you're in really dire straits. after all, taking caffeine pills feels like "pill-popping," but having a little beverage is fine, right?

at the same time, there is increasing interest in remedies for a variety of unspecific ailments caused by "toxins," the new buzzword in a very old industry of patent nostrums and dubious cure-alls. the theory is that some sort of unspecified substance has entered your body, and in order to feel well again you need to detox and cleanse -- which in practice involves a lot of induced defecation. And this is supposed to be good for feelings of fatigue, muscle soreness, anxiety, stomach upset, and difficulty sleeping.

See where I'm going with this?

The "toxins" that make you feel terrible all the time are caffeine. Not heavy metals, or refined sugar, or vaccines, or yeast. It's just fucking caffeine.

Well, caffeine and chronic overwork/sleep deprivation, which is not entirely a direct result of the caffeine but is certainly enabled/exacerbated by it. Everyone is working too much and taking stimulants to get through the day and in fact experiencing mild overdose symptoms on a fairly regular basis (irritable? jittery? that's caffeine toxicity) and it's no wonder we all feel like shit.

And then! When you come home from your day of pushing your mind and body too hard! It is ALSO normalized to take downers to level out! Alcohol is also a toxin, and it takes a lot less of it to start doing systemic damage than most people realize. When you wake up in the morning feeling foggy and achy, it may not be enough to register as a proper hangover, but it's almost certainly the combined effect of alcohol and caffeine withdrawal. Both mild! Both nearly harmless and easily recovered from! If you're not doing it on a regular basis and if you're getting enough rest, which you're not, as we previously established.

It's the chronicity that's the issue, the neverending grind of it all. You can't recover from chronic sleep deprivation or overwork with an extra few hours of rest on the weekends. You can't recover from long-term chemical dependence with a 24-hour tolerance break. If you're a wage earner in late-stage capitalism your options for reversing the damage are pretty limited and they all look like deprivation: prioritizing an unbroken 8-9 hours of sleep per night may well mean giving up most if not all of your social life and leisure activities. Fuck that.

And to be clear, I don't consider choosing to stay out late with a vodka Red Bull to be a personal failure of any kind, just like I don't think poor people should never buy themselves anything nice. If work keeps trying to take more and more of your time, you gotta carve out time for yourself somewhere. But... y'all know me. I want people to know the risks.

I think a lot of people don't realize that their bodies are under this much strain. They don't know that we are better suited for a 4-6 hour work day, that 6-7 hours of sleep is genuinely not enough for most people, that as little as 2 cups of coffee might be enough to put them over the recommended maximum caffeine intake. They don't know that they're drinking enough alcohol to cause health problems.

If you know and you decide to do it anyway that's fine, it's your right. I do inadvisable shit all the time. But people don't know, they're not being told, because they can't be allowed to question the material conditions they're being forced to endure -- and then they're being sold a bunch of useless or even harmful bullshit to "cure" the inevitable consequences of those conditions.

[cannibalovers]

yo another will analysis song (cuz i'm crazy over him and my music taste fits his situation the most i think)

Hannibal song of the day: song no.3

a bit about the song (and album) :

"Underneath it all"(released in 1999) is a song by Nine Inch Nails (my fav band ever i swear i can talk about them for hours sorry). It was written by the frontman of the group, Trent Reznor. It's a part of "The Fragile" album, a quite important album for Reznor's career. "The Fragile" (banger) is a concept album, based on a man known as "mr. self destruct" and is a sequel to "The Downward Spiral"(another banger), dealing with personal issues, including depression, angst, and drug abuse - attempting to find order in chaos and find their way out, but ultimately, failing. "Underneath it all" fits the industrial rock and alternative rock genre, including scratchy synthesisers and distorted guitars and harsh beats, combined with soft vocals that build up to be louder and harsher. The instrumental build up on itself, looping and stuttering. The song talks about trying to move on from a hurtful situation but feeling "stained", the pain and trauma and it's effects it had on the man not going away, no matter what extremes he takes.

I could honestly talk about The Fragile for hours just on its own, it's so vulnurable and angry and it's history makes me so fucking sad, considering how much shit Trent was going through(substance abuse, depression, anxiety, death of his grandma who raised him), but this is a hannibal centered post so. I think the song can fit Will pretty well considering his mindset and feelings by the end of season 1 + prison, not much today cuz its so straight forward

------------------------------

chorus + verse since it's quite short and repetitive

"All I do, I can still feel you (x5)

Numb all through, I can still feel you

Hear your call, underneath it all

Kill my brain, yet you still remain

Crucified, after all I've died

After all I've tried, you are still inside

All I do, I can still feel you(x4)"

the narrator feels plagued, stained, he can't get rid of whatever he is trying to get rid of. The impact the subject had on him was so big that the memories of it and erasure just feels impossible, he feels hopeless, numb. When taking in the themes of the album into account, it's most likely about drugs - trying to recover, but the symptoms of withdrawal just being too intense, feeling like the addiction is punishing and mocking him for ever choosing drugs or even thinking that he can escape them - or it can even be about God. Trent explored the theme of religion in many songs like Heresy or Terrible Lie, blaming God for everything that is happening to him and for causing suffering, yet still coming back, never forgetting him, switching between heretic and devotional tendencies back and forth. He's just so rooted into his mind that it's impossible to not come back, no matter how much he tries to change his faith, maybe even feeling judged and punished by God for his choices.

Whichever one it is, Mr. Self destruct feels hopeless, as his oppressor has become so powerful that it has become a part of his mind, starting to haunt him and latch onto them, almost like a leech. He has tried everything, kill his brain (end it all) or even crucifying (most likely referring to trying to repent for his sins or give up his unhealthy lifestyle and mindset, crucifying them) and yet the little voice in his head still remains present, taunting him.

That's what Will seems to feel like, like Hannibal plagued him with a disease of his own, making Will lose his own mind, identity and sanity in the process - he is becoming him and he can't get rid of him or stop it. Will admits in the series that he keeps hearing Lecter in his head, his head voice sounding like his and even started to think like him, not to mention the various visions where Will grows antlers just like wendigo, as well as once and for all, Will got reborn as wendigo, finalising his transformation. Hannibal has officially stained him and made him what he wanted Will to be.

The way the song builds up, the layers becoming noiser and gritter as well as the vocals louder and more desperate just ties the overwhelming feeling together.

------------------------------

Outro

"All I do, I can still feel you(x2)

(You remain, I am stained)"

the song suddenly drops, stuttering instead, becoming weaker and weaker, which to me represents giving up. The narrator gives up and accepts the fact that the oppressor remains and that he will forever be changed and affected by what has been done to him.

In the show, Will didn't exactly want to accept that, but I guess through his method of manipulating Hannibal back, he has just reinforced Hannibal's effects on him, making Will become Hannibal, he has been stained and can't do anything about it - although he seems to accept his faith and even lets him remain in his life (literally came back for him like damn...tiny bit gay if u ask me).

additional notes :

i couldn't recommend to listen to the fragile more, if you enjoy harsh noises, electronic, rock and industrial sounds and ambience sound, lots of layers and build ups and instrumental and absolute emotional damage then i recommend. this album is so dear to me its insane

my playlist

hope u enjoyed <3

[leafened]

learned that the issue i have where i "go insane" and feel like my body and brain is on fire and can't sleep/ dissociate/become agoraphobic/ feel like I'm being tortured to the point that I have to boil my skin off in a bath or apply ice everywhere and scream/hit/claw myself/drive all night and sleep in my car to get a sliver of relief is because of something called Akathesia that is known to be triggered by tons of antipsychotics and bipolar meds as well as certain antibiotics and steroids.

the symptoms vary and the syndrome is notoriously hard to describe in words, but the one common description patients give is that they feel like they're being mentally and physically tortured. After Cipro last year I was so desperate I ended up soaking my feet in Epsom salts for 8 hours a day (magnesium definitely helps tamp down symptoms), and when I last had prednisone I by all definitions went totally insane the entire course and a while after the course was over. I dealt with this for years straight in high school, probably bc of antibiotics (varying intensity but often completely unbearable, i ended up suicidal and homicidal (typical for the syndrome)) and the most fucked up part is that I've been keeping bipolar meds on the table in case the mania comes back, but an estimated 20% of people end up with Akathesia from bipolar meds, and some never come back from it even after quitting meds. Antipsychotics are even worse, studies show 40-60% of patients on antipsychotics met the diagnostic criteria. and the symptoms just look like insane person shit, so basically zero chance your psychiatrist will work with you to quit them, they'll just up your dose or switch to a med that does the same thing. withdrawal actually makes the symptoms worse, so even if you do manage to quit, you'll probably end up with a prescription again

overall I had maybe 3 years since puberty where I primarily got only nighttime symptoms and only 1 year of no symptoms at all. looking back the Cipro+Prednisone I took 3 years ago for chronic ear infections probably triggered this resurgence, and I had to take Cipro AGAIN 2 months ago for a UTI (amplifying the episode frequency once more). I'm going to keep having those types of risk exposure my whole life and I already spend a good 1/5 of my time actively in an episode. I don't want to add to that

Bonus being I only discovered this bc I've been frequenting antipsych and anti therapy forums. Doctors do not care about people and want the mentally ill and other "problem patients" to die

I also wonder how many people w "slam your head into the wall" style autism are dealing with this. one of the most common presentations is a need for continual movement. I read a South African study a while back showing that therapeutic doses of magnesium+potassium (important to have both bc one uses up the other or smth in periods of stress, don't feel like looking it up rn) significantly reduced repetitive stress behaviors in autistic kids. But magnesium and potassium aren't profitable so why would the industry recommend them.

[1stthingsfirst]

This is the Ray side of my previous post about the portrayal of his recovery, in part prompted by @quaintrelle17's comment about Thai rehabs (Thank you! I didn't ignore you, I just took forever to respond).

Note: I use "sobriety" as shorthand. Not everyone who abuses alcohol needs to go sober. Some can drink in moderation. Some need to abstain for their whole lives.

I originally only briefly addressed Ray drinking in rehab. So, the two general ways to stop drinking/go sober are:

Cold turkey -- You go from your current alcohol intake to zero, no steps in between.

Tapering off (aka weaning off) -- You decrease your daily alcohol intake over time until you reach zero/a desired amount.

From this tweet and Jojo's comments, I believe Thai outpatient rehab programs follow a harm-reduction model using tapering and deemphasizing abstinence unless deemed necessary.

Tapering off aims to both decrease the severity of and prevent withdrawal symptoms. Chronic alcohol abuse alters your brain chemistry. Tapering off helps your brain adjust to functioning with less and less alcohol and decreases the likelihood of severe withdrawal symptoms such as seizures and delirium tremens, which can cause disability and death.

Issue #1: Lack of Clarity

Ray is a good candidate for tapering. He carries a flask to drink on the go and his hands shake when he doesn't drink, a withdrawal symptom. It makes sense for Ray to drink while he's in rehab.

However, tapering is a systematic process. You don't just slowly drink less. A professional may determine a tapering schedule specific to you, but the general recommendation is to decrease by 2 drinks per day. When tapering, you should track what drink you're on and even measure to ensure you stick to one standard drink each time.

I would not expect to see this level of detail in the show. However, as is, we see Ray enter rehab at the end of episode 10, and then in episode 11, we see no visible change in behavior. He still goes to bars and drinks beers in the bath and has whiskey in the pool in a tense almost-threesome. We're supposed to intuit that he's changing simply because he says he is.

The show could have made it clearer without dedicating much time to it. It's as simple as a lingering shot of a handout from the rehab center or Ray saying, "last drink of the day" in the tub. Responses to Only Friends have highlighted how little the general public knows about addiction. It's unreasonable to expect us to know that people may drink as part of rehab.

This is a "show, don't tell" error. We have been told that Ray is in rehab, but we have not seen behavior indicating that he's in rehab.

Issue #2: Tone and Narrative

I'd be surprised if Ray's support team encouraged him to casually drink with his partner while trying to go sober. I could be wrong; they could be fine with it. A person could maybe healthily drink a beer in the tub with their partner if it aligned with their tapering schedule, but it doesn't feel appropriate tonally or narratively.

We have seen how destructive alcohol has been in Ray's life: his mom's alcoholism ruined his childhood; he blames himself for her alcoholism-related suicide; he nearly lost all his friends and his boyfriend multiple times; he drove drunk, crashed his car, and had to be hospitalized for his injuries; he was charged with a DUI and has to complete social service (legal consequences); and so on.

Tonally, it does not make sense to show Ray drinking casually at this point. It could make sense to show him drinking, but not in the settings shown in episode 11. Drinking should be portrayed as weightier by now, if not for Ray, at least for Sand when he's with Ray (see my original post). Sand has said multiple times that he worries about Ray's drinking, so it feels odd to see them to chat in the bath over beers while Ray is in rehab. Ray may be allowed to drink then and he may be able to drink for pleasure in the future, but week one of rehab is not the time for drinking for pleasure.

Additionally, from a storytelling perspective, it doesn't make sense to include Ray accepting that he needs to go to rehab with two episodes left unless you then show him either improved or struggling. By showing Ray drinking after entering rehab, it suggests to the viewer that Ray's drinking will continue to be a major plot point.

But I don't know if it is because we have one episode left, two other couples' stories to wrap up, Ray's already in rehab, and they just introduced Boeing to Sand and Ray's dynamic. By introducing Boeing this late in the show, with this little time left, it's pretty clear Boeing is Ray and Sand's final conflict, not Ray's recovery.

I'm normally all about nuance, but filmmakers only have so many opportunities to convey information to their audience. Unless they do want to keep Ray's recovery a main conflict, it is more logical, for both tone and storytelling, to simply not show Ray drinking at this point. Is it less realistic? Yes. But is it clearer? Yes.

TL;DR

There are scientific reasons why Ray would drink during rehab; however, most people don't know that and it was never explained in the series itself, so the scenes of him drinking in ep 11 landed poorly for many viewers. This is a problem with how the show told the story of Ray's alcoholism and recovery. The show would have benefited from prioritizing clarity over realism, unless they plan to take the time to explore Ray's recovery in detail.

[jimothysomebody]

Recovering From Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome

It's difficult to gauge exactly where to start, considering the many nuanced factors that lead me here. For awhile it felt like I was dealing with some wretched mystery ailment. After my breakup there was a period of time where money was tight and I wasn't eating well, in part because money was tight and in part because of a long struggle with self image, self loathing, and just a warped and unhealthy perspective of myself. What a stupid, stupid thing it was to subject myself to that degree of harm and malnourishment. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

In late March, somewhat coinciding with my old vape pen breaking, I began to feel a bit unwell and I wasn't sure why. Brainfog, difficulty concentrating and remembering, poor sleep (and that's saying something) headaches, strange dizzy spells and a weird feeling in my head, unusual episodes of elevated anxiety, stress, and depression beyond what is 'normal' for me, stomach issues, changes to my appetite, fatigue, apathy. Some days were better than others, some days were hell, other days I may have one awful episode and be otherwise fine the rest of the day, sometimes a day or so would pass without incident at all and I'd feel totally normal.... but these terrible symptoms kept coming back

Initially I believed it to be the lingering effects of having been anorexic from early February to the beginning of April... but April, May and now most of June have come & gone... and these symptoms have persisted.... what else could it have been?

I figured, outside of the extreme episodes of anxiety, the most likely cause was the effects of tapering off of, and eventually quitting weed. The conclusion I drew was that, surely, I must be experiencing Post Acute Withdrawal Syndrome, brought on by increased use of medial grade weed and an increased vaping of delta 8 around this time. It was also my theory that because I didn't do it daily, just used a *lot* every few days or on weekends, that my inconsistent pattern of high dose usage was keeping me in a state of withdrawal that wouldn't stop until I made myself quit. My preferred method was vaping, but I began with edibles July of 2023... for nearly a year my already chemically imbalanced brain became accustomed to a regular supply of THC, surely... surely the cessation of cannabis would have put my brain in a state of crisis and rebellion as it attempts to reset the dials back to my “normal”, right? Much of the literature I read seemed to validate my worries, between credible medical publications from all over, the US, Canada, Australia, the UK, I poured over the findings and data of medical professionals and everything seemed to point to that... what has now worried me the last 42 days I've been sober was the fact that, for most, they seem to be through the worst of it within 2wks to a month... but still I contend with these symptoms. Maybe...just maybe, I was too hopeful and by some twisted hellish coincidence I was, unknowingly, affected by something more dire... there are many, many far more life threatening conditions that share many of those symptoms in common... and that thought has come and gone since March... Friday afternoon I finally humored my paranoia that told me to stop toying with my mortality and went to the ER to get checked out.

They drew blood, did urinalysis, an EKG, chest xrays, and a CT scan of my head, every test came back normal, nearly everything was ideal, save for what results have been effected by a recent brief regimen of prednisone to help with my tenosynovitis (which also significantly improved my withdrawal symptoms)... and in the sea of test results even those *slightly* abnormal results didn't bother me, knowing exactly what caused them.

The test results have given me a lot of peace of mind... I now know definitively, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that what I am experiencing does not have a physical cause... it is instead chemical as my brain tries to regulate itself back from a year of a lot of vaping and edibles. I do not have brain cancer, any brain damage, any debilitating neurological condition, internal bleeding, blood clots, nor do I have any heart or lung condition. No abnormalities were detected... It's just withdrawal, and I can get through this. I've been tempted to vape, a few times. I miss having a mild high, but mostly I miss the relief that comes with it for my anxiety, my depression, ptsd, mild pains, etc. There hasn't been any strong compulsion or urge to use again, in fact not unlike my alcohol I still have (almost 7 months sober now) my vape pen is in plain sight just on my bedside table, where it has, literally, been collecting dust since May 12th. I have had one or two dreams about weed/vaping though, which I suppose isn't a totally unheard of sort of dream to have for people quitting.

I'm set to see yet another therapist soon in July, and shortly thereafter, I imagine, another doctor. I'm not sure what the plan of attack will be, considering the chemical imbalance is now influenced by quitting weed. In the past I've seen a lot of success with SSRI's like sertraline/Zoloft, in treating my depression, with some positive changes to my anxiety as well, it'd certainly simplify things to be on just one med but I'm not optimistic that will be the case, nor do I don't know just how effective sertraline would be while recovering from PAWS... I do know this much, compared to how I felt in April I feel, generally speaking, significantly better. I do still experience all the symptoms I've described but to a lesser degree and with less frequency and diminished duration compared to how I had been previously... it is my belief that, with time and resolve I will make a full recovery from this horrid months long trial. I really think I'm gonna be okay.

[thevividgreenmoss]

The day+ after taking psychedelics the lingering afterglow feels sort of the like opposite of a hangover not the opposite exactly but ykwim. You're drained but without the groggy smoker's flu aspect of a hangover ig…but ssri withdrawal, to me, is the opposite of that…anyways a communication failure between the pharmacy and doctor's office led to the former not refilling my fluvoxamine prescription last month because apparently somewhere in some system it said it had been too long between appointments for a refill to be automatically approved. Or something. I don't know exactly, but both parties involved in making this decision for me are saying what you have to do is give the psych clinic $50 for an eight minute zoom call with the nurse practitioner then she can send in refill approval to the pharmacy. So I do, and she does. And the pharmacy tells me they have received this request but are out of stock of the medication in question and will have it ready by Friday 2/23, by which point it will have been four days since l've taken these stupid fucking bullshit pills that don't do jack fucking shit, for me, in terms of treating the symptoms they allege to treat. but do, very successfully, induce a million various side effects, thus ultimately only serving to accelerate the suicidal freefall that my life had become over the past few years, before which all previous periods of suicidal free fall I have experienced, which cumulatively might account for the majority of my adult life, pale in comparison, and out of which I had only, somehow, through various maneuverings, sort of begun to pull mvself/be pulled from since maybe around September, despite the plagues and horrors still hanging over my head.

On Friday 2/23 they still do not have any luvox, apparently no other CVS in the vicinity does either, which is something that the pharmacist and I learn together, upon my inquiry, God forbid you proactively look into such a thing on behalf of your customer-patient. Or like fucking let them know that you were out of the shit to begin with and that this abrupt cessation would have taken place regardless of procedural issues you were initially hiding behind. Like this means that people who had already had their appointments in place and their refill requests sent through and approved in advance are in the same boat as I am. A lot of them probably have a lot less experience with drugs, prescribed or otherwise, going in and out of their system, which means a lot of them are probably going to have an even harder time handling this shit than I am, and just over the past four days I have seen my face become ashen my eyes hollower dizziness pulsating microseizure pinching my synapses staggering bracing myself against the kitchen counter thinking i hope I at least this doesn't trigger weight gain and hating myself for thinking this thought and for the majority of thoughts I have ever thought that are my own and not my own the maiority of which are abstracted distortions so grotesque they make this hateful fear of my own body seem rational and kind and just. In comparison.

Your prescription will be ready Wednesday 2/29 and when that day arrives it will still not be ready but every couple of days you will receive automated updates informing you that an order is being placed for your prescription until Thursday 3/16 when your prescription will be ready for pickup. Now the ssris are for the most part out of my system the withdrawal period is I think over and I'm afraid of what will happen if a) I elect not to begin taking these pills again since the post-withdrawal period where my body reacclimates to life without ss/nris has not been kind to me historically, or b) I start taking the shit again. Freedom of choice. For now the pills are still at CVS waiting to be surrendered upon receipt of payment and proof of insurance. Even if all this did not take place the fear of losing my apartment and along with and above that the fear of losing my cats chokes me. But I know whatever happens they'll have the most darling adventures. My cousin said he could take them in for me if I have to move back in with my family (my dad's allergies/COPD won't allow for them to stay with us), and I know he and my aunt and uncle will care for them. And there are people dying and dying and I'm afraid of being rendered even more useless than I already am as it stands I am nothing but I have been blessed with the capacity to care for people within my small orbit in my broken way within the severe limits of my imagination and capability and I'm afraid of losing even that.

You guys I wish you could see outside the sliding door the rain and Charlie in front of me alternatingly playing with her little lamby and watching the rainfall and Emily lying down beside me. I'm afraid of the look in my eyes in the picture I took of the three of us the week I got them back in September 2022 a few months after finally moving out on my own into this apartment I'm now sitting in, in the picture the two of them perched on my shoulder and me smiling shell-shocked. But whatever happens they will be themselves and they'll be together. They love each other so much you guys I swear it's the most precious thing and nothing that happens to me matters more than that but still I can't stop crying

[zigidaoma]

so i'm at about one and half weeks of being completely sober

I'll be turning thirty-one this year and after the last couple of years of struggling with daily drinking, i decided to start off the new year by going completely sober.

i have a long history of using many different substances since high school. I go from snorting pills to smoking cigarettes to drinking to robotripping, smoking weed to syn. all the stupid shit i can put into my body with varying degrees of damage that comes with doing different substances.

I have an excuse for every time i started up on something new and an explanation behind every week to years long spiral i've ever taken. i've gone through withdrawals that in hindsight where probably life threatening but at the time i still felt young and invincible and i'll be damned if i don't do what i want to do. I've been wrapped up in the court system and had mandatory AA meetings and social worker counseling's that i gleaned nothing other than "i'm not like the others you talk about" because i was always able to stop one habit when i wanted to. I would know i was doing more than the average person and i would still keep on doing it because i knew when i actually wanted to quit i would. and generally speaking i usually did.

I know my approach is self medicating over NEEDING to put something in my body. you could argue that addiction and self-medicating are the same thing. maybe it is, i don't really know since i'm not some specialist in it but i know that for me, i don't feel like my relationship with substance use is like other people i've talked to who've walked back from addiction or are in the throws of it. the closest i've felt is a craving for a cigarette in a hard moment. I know i slip back time and again when life gets hard but it's never been to feel better, it feels, to me, to function. to self-medicate in a way that people with a doctor would. i just didn't have a doctor.

i had a psychiatrist back in middle school, before i ever even dared try something i knew as a child shouldn't use. i frequently didn't like the way my medication made me feel, i was ignored on that front, and other than making me more manageable for the adults in my day to day life[teachers, coaches, ect], i didn't function better. my grades were still bad, my room was still a mess, my goals and ambitions non-existant as i tried to scrape away parts of myself to fit the standard mold of what i should be able to do at my age.

and then i had one psychiatrist who started me on a host of heavy medication all at once, and my mom, the social worker, wouldn't even let me know where the medication was kept in the house. she would simply bring me my cocktail in the morning after i woke up and i would take them with a glass of water and get ready for school. one day, following this routine, i became violently ill. I ended up in the hospital and was told i had overdosed on my prescribed, meticulously administered medication. The psychiatrist accused me of abusing my medication, the doctor who was treating my physical symptoms was telling me that all of my issues where because i just needed to start eating elderberries. they both got into such a tug of war about it we had to stop seeing both doctors and my medical team was hauled over by my mom.

but the damage was pretty much done. it was clear to me that no one cared if i was happy, no one cared if i was functioning. That was when i decided to start self-medicating.

and that started what has now been essentially half of my life of using substances as i saw fit to accomplish what i wanted. since i was sixteen i haven't gone more than a week of not using something to self sooth, focus and rally myself into taking on the world. it has been my cornerstone for socializing, initiating, finalizing and performing the most basic functions to take care of myself. I've always had alcohol, nicotine, cannabis, and pretty much anything else i could get my hands on to create my desired outcome of myself.

as of this moment, i quit nicotine[for the fourth time] four months ago, i had been socially smoking weed and would occasionally have a cup of coffee at work for the last couple of years so that one wasn't too hard to just cut off these past few days, and this is the longest i've been without a drink in the past three years.

i occasionally did everything aforementioned in great excess in my early twenties but felt like i had figured out how to manage on a supplemental amount as i matured.

I have had little withdrawal from drinking, just not being able to sleep much the first few nights. i've otherwise come to realize that i'm not really working through a physical dependency so much as a mental one. I still am hesitant to put myself back in to a psychiatrists seat but i feel that the problem is less the substance and more so myself. i imagine i'll drink at some point again, but when that is is up to the wind. i keep feeling like this exception to things, negatively and positively.

Obviously i'm still very early on this journey of sobriety and i'm trying to be reflective and look at it in a way that hasn't worked the last 15 years. i've been functioning and i've accomplished things and i've fallen and i've had horrible losses and it feels like few wins at times. I dont feel that i have substances as a part of my identity like some people who struggle do. I don't feel like it's this physical craving[since quitting alcohol all i've craved is a cigarette in passing moments, oddly enough], i've just been thinking about how this is the cleanest i've kept my system in so many odd years and it doesn't really feel all that different. I don't feel like i'm describing it all that well but i guess i just thought quitting would be harder? i thought things would somehow become easier in some ways? other things would become more difficult? the scales would tip somehow in some way that i had just barely been keeping at stasis through my regular use. but not much has changed. i get the same amount of stuff done as before. my hobbies and interests has held fast, socializing is about the same, my job has not become easier or harder to maintain, it seems like almost no one has noticed that i have quit using unless i have said otherwise to the matter. i dont know if i want this big change i thought would happen from becoming sober but it feels anti-climatic for it all to stay the same sans substance use. maybe i'm too early in the game to call it as i see it.

[uncloseted]

Do you think it's a bad idea to take a gap year (maybe less IDK how it fully works) after getting my transfer degree at a community college? I really don't want to be that person who’s like old and creepy at a college with young people (im 20) but I've been so burnt out from school and work and part of me wants to work more to save for school. I'm also not sure which school I want to transfer to in my state, as the universities are more expensive than the cal state schools, and I'm really

scared of jumping into a four-year program and then procrastinating and not taking it as seriously as I have been this semester and then having the consequence of losing so much more money if I fail a class or have to withdraw. I have been struggling so much, I don't do anything besides work and trying to do my schoolwork but I'm constantly tired and sad, and I feel like if I'm not in college then I'm doing nothing with my life that's valuable. It’s such a toss-up for me, as I feel if I’m in

college I will suffer from bad grades and burnout, but I feel like if I’m not in college then I’m going to be aimlessly doing nothing and wasting away. I just wish I could take time to maybe go into therapy and save money but I feel like I might just be lazy and this is all a big excuse which really scares me. It doesn’t help that UC applications are due at the end of the month lol :( I am so lost.

I think taking a semester off or taking a gap year can be a great idea. A lot of people waste time and money by going to university before they're ready, and doing that can sometimes lead to increased burnout or mental health issues. Taking time off can also give you more time to apply for scholarships and financial aid, figure out which of your credits from community college will transfer, figure out which school is the best match for you, and come up with a plan so that you can be successful once you do start a university program.

That said, if you take time off, I think it's important to have a plan for how you're going to spend that time. In your case, it sounds like going to therapy might be a good idea. In addition, getting a job during that time can help you to feel like you're doing something productive, even if you're not in school. I think it's also important to have an end-date in mind. It's much easier to put off going to university if you don't have a timeline in mind- it's harder if you know you'll apply by a certain date, make a decision by a certain date, and start school by a certain date.

The last thing I want to say here is that I don’t really believe that some people are "just lazy". I think what we perceive to be "laziness" is always a symptom of a bigger problem, whether that's that the person is in the wrong school/program/activity, that they're sleep deprived, that they struggle with perfectionism, that they have a neurodevelopmental disorder or mental illness, or any number of other things. When a person feels like they're being "lazy", the first step is to figure out what's making them unmotivated and what changes they could make in order to give themselves the support they need to feel motivated. That's something that a therapist can really help with, so seeing one is generally a good first step if you feel like you're struggling with laziness.

[is-trump-dead]

6/12/2022

no :(

[optimist-pine]

Hey there, today I got stress tested and, long story short, I have an extreme case of burnout. I’ve been having panic attacks, dissociating, puking a lot, and have been struggling with a chronic illness, deaths in the family, etc. I really hope this doesn’t sound too much like I’m just complaining. I would really appreciate it if you could do the rise boys with someone dealing with… that whole situation. Leo and Donnie are my favorite btw. Thanks!

A/n: That really sucks, Anon. Thanks for opening up and requesting this. I hope this meets your expectations, and I really hope it helps even the tiniest bit. Please let me know how you're doing. (Here's a hug from me to you (⁠⊃⁠｡⁠•́⁠‿⁠•̀⁠｡⁠)⁠⊃)

Word Count: 1,230

Warnings: Severe burnout and related symptoms

---

Leo:

• He's acutely aware of the buildup leading to your burnout

• If you don't come to him by a certain point he's going to gently - but firmly - make you talk things out and tell him what's going on

• Some of these things he already knows about of course, but there are still things he hadn't realized were weighing so heavily on you

• He helps you to establish and maintain a better routine while still giving you space to accomplish things on your own

• Be prepared for lots of non-verbal reminders including:

• Him setting out personal care items to have a "spa time" every evening to unwind

• The smell of freshly steeped tea coming from an area that's already set up for morning meditation/yoga

• Recruiting Mikey to make healthy family meals where the group conversations are filled with laughter and hope

• Maybe the two of you will even find a project to invest in together that benefits others within the city

• Ninjitsu is an exceptional way to relieve some stress so be prepared for a lot of training

• You'll go up and practice on the rooftops where you can feel the breeze across your skin and hear the people and cars go past

• He'll guide you throughout the movements and encourage you to go without shoes to really feel the cement ground you through your feet

• He hopes, with time, that he can help you to slow down and process things in a way that doesn't allow the stress to overtake and overwhelm you because he hates seeing you so severely burnt out

• He will always be there to listen and he really values communication so please tell him what helps and what doesn't

Donnie:

• Donnie's been there once or twice before, though maybe not nearly as severe as what you're dealing with

• If you tend to withdraw, he's not going to let you go it alone

• He may not be the best talker or listener or all that great with even his own emotions, but he knows something is wrong and he wants to help

• He'll make sure you go and actually do things and get out of your head

• Maybe that means testing out new inventions or going around the city to study the engineering and architecture of the buildings

• Anything to just do something while simultaneously not doing much of anything

• He may also egg you on to play the dance machine they have in the arcade since the physical exertion is good for clearing the head

• He lets you in on his next big secret project, allowing you to not only name but customize its design and final look since that can be the most exciting part of the creation process

• And even though he doesn't feel very confident doing it, he'll try to get you to talk things out because it would really help him understand what's draining you if you outright told him

• He'll make sure you get to bed and get a good amount of sleep, but he also won't let you avoid getting up in the morning since he knows it won't help

• He starts beginning the day with you in conversation about what each of you is looking forward to, and ending the day with what made your day good/better

• Even though he feels like he's the worst at helping you through this, he understands how you feel more than any of his brothers do

Raph:

• Look, it doesn't matter if the issue is physical, mental, or emotional, but this guy's number one solution is cuddles

• Obviously they won't fix things on their own, but it's a good start

• Being in charge of his younger brothers, he understands what it's like to feel like so many things are out of your control that you just can't keep up

• He's going to encourage you to remove yourself from as many responsibilities as possible and take a break - a long one

• He's the best listener if you'll tell him what's going on, although he'll probably ask lots of questions to really understand

• He does a good job of subtly (and sometimes not so subtly) reminding you how valuable you are to himself and the others

• How just your presence is so vital in him keeping his head on straight, so he's going to be right by your side through the thick of it

• This guy's default setting is protective so he may tend to lean towards being overbearing

• He knows this so he'll really try his best not to be - if he seems really awkward or unsure of himself it's not because of you

• He'll probably convince you to box with him for the connection between mental focus and physical coordination and reflexes

• He'll encourage you to really feel the connection between your body and your soul, how each movement connects your physical posture with your mental posture

• Out of all of them, Raph has the most difficult time watching you go through this

• He tends to take everyone's burdens upon himself, and this time he can't, so you can be sure he's going to be doing a lot of little things for you

Mikey:

• Mikey is pretty in-tune emotionally and mentally, so he noticed the progression of things going from bad to worse before they were even bad

• He really, really wants to help and he wears his heart on his sleeve so you can see it in his face constantly

• He doesn't really understand what you're going through, and listening and talking through things isn't his strong suit, but he's a master distractor

• Everything you eat, everything you wear, and everything you do is going to have some added razzmatazz courtesy of Mikey

• He'll drag you out to tag buildings late at night, scour thrift stores for crazy outfits, or serve food at a homeless shelter

• His plans may not have a lot of rhyme or reason but he really wants you to step away from everything and just feel alive and connect with other people

• Laughter is the best medicine, right?

• He'll scrounge up a bunch of art supplies and recruit you to help him spruce up some dingy part of the lair because he's convinced it needs your personal touch

• He'll ask you to come hang on the rooftops for an evening and watch the stars - even if you can't see them in the city

• Moments like this he can actually slow down and focus, so he'll encourage you to talk and tell him what's up

• It scares him that you're not acting like yourself, but he also knows it's something out of your control so he doesn't want you to feel guilty

• He'll grab you and his boombox and go bust some moves on street corners in hopes you'll be filled with the buzz of a group of strangers all hitting a certain groove together

• Mikey cares deeply for you and he'll do whatever he can to help you heal

• He wants to see the sunshine come back into your life

[dimigex]

Locked Doors and Baby Steps (Healing Hands, Chapter 14, YamaSaku)

Art by @tammi25

Fanfiction, A03

If you enjoy this story and are interested in commissioning me, information can be found here. You can also find me on Ko-fi! (chapter below cut)

"This is the last one," Sakura warned, dropping the halved pill into Tenzo's outstretched palm. The man nodded, looking considerably better than she'd anticipated after a week-long detox. It had been miserable, even with the combination of blockers and medical ninjutsu to soften the blow. Tenzo had experienced fever, chills, nausea, headaches, anxiety, and hallucinations of varying degrees over the past few days. The symptoms had become more manageable as his body started to regulate itself again, but they still showed up from time to time.

Throwing his head back, Tenzo swallowed the medicine with a gulp of water from the bottle on the table between them. He exhaled, nervousness flitting across his face. "How bad am I going to feel in eight hours?"

"Probably not much worse than you do right now." Sakura shrugged. While she'd read studies on withdrawal, she had never watched someone live through it, until now. It was fascinating, though she doubted that Tenzo would appreciate her viewing it that way. "As far as I understand it, your body should be starting to adjust to not having alcohol now. The worst of the physical stuff should be over."

Tenzo took another long drink of water, then leveled Sakura with a stare. "But," he prompted.

Sighing, Sakura gentled her voice and dipped her head. "But, we need to talk about the next steps. You have to get into therapy at T&I to deal with whatever caused the issues in the first place."

Even though they'd had this conversation multiple times, Tenzo frowned like it was a new idea. Sakura had been encouraging him to think about what life would look like after detox. It was easy to get wrapped up in the victory of the moment, but Tenzo's job required him to be at his peak, both mentally and physically. Sakura had made it abundantly clear that she had no intention of bending the rules; Tenzo would need to pass the mental evaluation before she would sign his reinstatement paperwork.

"If you want to get it over with, I could pull some strings and get you in today," Sakura suggested. She had no idea if that was true, but she couldn't imagine Ino turning the man away if Sakura asked her to take him in.

Tenzo ran shaky fingers through his dark hair and sighed. "Or, I could just talk to you about things and call it close enough."

As much as Sakura wished that things could be that simple, they weren't. She couldn't help but wonder what demons haunted Tenzo. A dozen theories had presented themselves over the past few days: it had to do with someone he'd killed or watched die. Maybe a close friend had perished because of Tenzo's decision, or he had chosen mercy when he should have executed someone and it led to greater suffering. Even if Sakura knew which of those things bothered Tenzo, she wasn't qualified to decide if he was mentally fit for duty.

"You can talk to me about anything, but I can't clear your psych eval." Sakura resisted the urge to reach across the table and touch Tenzo's hand. Though they'd grown closer over the past couple of weeks, it was still an awkward balancing act between being friends and being too familiar.

Tenzo offered a half grin that only lifted the left side of his mouth. "Or, you could leave that part out of my file, and nobody has to know."

The hopefulness in the man's voice tugged at Sakura's heartstrings, but she shook her head. "The fact that you don't want to go only convinces me that you need to go. Ino is the best at this sort of thing; she can help get it all sorted out."

If the words hurt Tenzo, he gave no indication. After a moment, he nodded toward the fridge. "Are you hungry?"

Over the course of his detox, Tenzo had swung between ravenous and sickened by the smell of food. Even so, he'd been surprised and grateful that Sakura made enough meals for them to have leftovers whenever the mood struck. Her basic grocery shopping had only lasted them for a couple of days, but she'd made a second trip during the middle of the week. Most of the dishes that Sakura had cooked were simple things that could easily be reheated, but it had done the trick of getting them through the worst of it.

Shaking her head to indicate that she wasn't hungry, Sakura rose from the table. She moved toward the living room, leaving Tenzo to scrounge around in the cabinets and fridge. Yawning, Sakura flopped onto the couch. The past couple of weeks had been interesting, exhausting and eye-opening all at once. She glanced at Tenzo from the corner of her eye as he warmed some leftovers in the microwave. Thinking of him as Tenzo instead of Yamato was easier now, but it still came as a shock whenever she stopped long enough to dwell on it.

Sakura had known Tenzo for the better part of five years, but the persona that he showed the rest of the world had fallen away over the past week. She'd gotten used to seeing him in sweatpants and t-shirts with his brown hair sticking up in every direction from not having his head protector to hold it back. Tenzo spoke softer, as well. The commanding tone of his voice had disappeared, morphing into something gentler that made Sakura wonder what he'd been like before Anbu.

Despite the changes that she'd seen, Sakura couldn't help but feel that Tenzo still wore a mask with her. Sometimes, she wondered if he remembered how to take it off, but they had gotten to know each other better. Whenever Tenzo felt well enough, he and Sakura spent hours talking about everything under the sun, though she had a feeling that most of the conversations only brushed the surface of his true thoughts. They also watched television, read, played cards, and did anything they could to keep his mind off of the discomfort in his body.

Most of the time, Sakura had watched and helped out where she could. She had half a dozen new theories on how chakra could aid detox and recovery, but she needed time to finish developing them. There had been space to make a few notes here and there, but the days had mostly passed in a blur.

Tenzo came to the living room with a bowl in hand and settled on the couch next to Sakura. "You should probably head home if you're going. It's getting late," he observed, voice carefully neutral.

Raising a hand to cover the yawn that she couldn't stop, Sakura managed a nervous laugh. "Are you sure you're going to be okay?"

"Yup." Tenzo flashed a self conscious smile. "We both know I'm going to fall asleep soon anyway."

The medication always made Tenzo drowsy, usually dragging him under within an hour or so of taking it. They had timed the final dose for after dinner so that Tenzo would be able to go to bed not long after, and hopefully get a full night's sleep. Then, in the morning, he could start navigating his new normal without the pills. Though the timing should work out perfectly, Sakura couldn't help but feel like it all sounded too easy.

Sakura fought down another yawn as she nodded. "I know, but I could stay one more night if you think it would help."

"You're exhausted, and rightfully so," Tenzo argued, bumping Sakura's shoulder with his before taking another bite of the rice and vegetable. "I'm just going to sleep anyway, so you should go home and get some rest."

The idea of spending the night in her own bed was so tempting that Sakura could hardly think straight. She'd been crashing on Tenzo's couch so that she could keep an eye on him, which meant sleeping lightly enough to check on the man throughout the night, especially in the first couple of days. A full eight hours or more of sleep sounded like heaven. Sakura dipped her head. "Fine, but you know where to find me if you need anything."

Tenzo chewed and nodded in silence, so Sakura continued to the more difficult part of her plan. "And, you'll come see me first thing in the morning so we can go over to Intelligence?"

Rubbing a free hand over his face, Tenzo sighed without meeting Sakura's gaze. "I guess." She poked his side until he conceded and squirmed away. "Yeah, first thing in the morning, if that's what it takes to get me reinstated."

Nodding, Sakura stood and stretched, her tired muscles and joints popping and creaking with the movement. Pulling her already packed bag over one shoulder, she walked toward the door. Tenzo rose and walked to the kitchen to put his bowl in the sink, then joined Sakura as she pulled on her sandals. It felt strange to be leaving, even though she'd known it was coming. Pausing, Sakura toyed with the strap of her bag. "You're sure, sure?"

Tenzo's lips quirked into an almost smile. "Sure sure."

"Fine," Sakura answered, surprised at her reluctance to walk away now that the time had come. "Hang in there, it'll get better."

"I know." Tenzo's words were soft, and his expression was a mix of sheepish stubbornness that Sakura had come to recognize lately. "Thanks."

Sakura stepped forward to wrap Tenzo in a hug, startling them both. For a second, the man stood there dumbfounded. Then, his arms closed around her, probably more out of instinct than anything else. She stayed there long enough to feel him relax before pulling back. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

A soft pink colored Tenzo's cheeks as he laughed. "I will. I'll see you tomorrow."

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Exhaustion dragged at Sakura as she dropped her bag onto the kitchen table. She wanted to sit down and outline her theories on detox and recovery, but her brain felt too fuzzy to focus. Sakura hadn't slept decently since the first night that Tenzo had shown up at her apartment over a week ago. As a doctor, she could function with next to no sleep for a little while, but now that the crisis was over, her body demanded proper rest.

Leaving her notebook in her bag, Sakura went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. She tossed her clothes into the hamper and stepped under the spray as soon as it had time to warm up. The heat eased the tension that Sakura hadn't recognized in her shoulders and neck. She dropped her head forward, letting the water course down her back. Sakura could have lingered in the shower until it turned cold, but her body needed sleep.

As tempting as a long shower was, Sakura was too tired to enjoy it. She washed quickly, turned the water off, then wrapped a towel around body and twisted a second one around her hair. Sakura knew that she should take the time to moisturize, lotion her body, and dry her hair, but she couldn't be bothered. A quick scrub would have to be enough for tonight. After combing through the damp tresses with her fingers, Sakura pulled them into a loose, messy bun at the base of her neck.

Leaving the bathroom behind, Sakura padded into her bedroom. The opened windows provided enough moonlight for her to see her dresser on one side of the room. She dug through the middle drawer to find her favorite pair of pajama pants. The soft purple fabric kept her warm without making her sweaty under the blankets. Sakura wished that she'd bought more of them. Pairing the pants with a black cami, she climbed into bed with a happy sigh.

Almost as soon as Sakura closed her eyes, Tenzo nagged at the back of her mind. She couldn't do anything for him tonight; he'd either survive without the medicine or fall back into the same habits that he'd been struggling with. As much as she wanted to fix everything, most of it relied on him. Sakura had done what she could, and she'd make sure that Ino took care of him in the morning, that was all she could do.

As she waited for sleep to find her, Sakura tried to imagine what Ino might be like as a therapist. The woman would probably be far too nosy and pushy, but she'd get results. Ino always managed to drag out whatever secrets Sakura wanted to keep hidden. She'd gotten her to talk about Sasuke, just like Tenzo had. The two of them might become fast friends. Ino was certainly likable enough, and Tenzo was coming out of his shell. She'd seen flashes of a playful personality beneath his serious demeanor.

Grinning at the thought of Ino and Tenzo gossiping over coffee like old friends, Sakura fell asleep. Her thoughts jumbled together in a nonsensical dream where Tenzo tried to perfect some yoga stance while Ino complained that he was crushing the flowers she'd just planted on the rooftop garden. Sakura sat beneath the shadow of an umbrella covered table, watching the pair of them with amusement as she sipped hot tea from the mug between her hands.

Noise broke through the whisper of wind and bird chatter. Ino's voice reprimanded Tenzo while he chuckled and made minor adjustments to where he stood. Sakura frowned, wondering why neither of them turned toward the vague sound niggling at the edges of the room. She let her eyes sweep across the rooftop, searching for the source of the gentle knocking. Tenzo laughed at something Ino said as Sakura rose from her seat. The pair didn't seem to notice when the sound returned, louder than before.

The floral scented air scattered with the next breeze, throwing Sakura back into the shadows of her room. Her sleep numbed mind struggled to make sense of the world as her voice answered automatically. "Hello?"

"Couldn't sleep." The mumbled words pulled at Sakura's heart as she rubbed exhaustion from her eyes. Moonlight shone on the man in the doorway as he toyed with the sleeve of his shirt. The appearance and words were familiar after the last couple of weeks. The almost palpable anxiety was part of the detox process. Except, Sakura had been there for the others. This time, Tenzo was alone.

"Nightmares?" Sakura asked, eyes adjusting to the darkness. Tenzo's hands shook when he stopped fidgeting long enough to press one against the center of his chest. His shallow breath hissed into his lungs like a wheeze, a familiar sound. "Panic attack?"

Tenzo exhaled hard, fingers tightening to pull his sweatshirt away from his body like it was crowding him. "I can't breathe," he gasped.

Pushing the blankets off, Sakura climbed out of bed. "Yes you can," she coaxed. "If you couldn't breathe, you couldn't talk. Look at me."

As Sakura reached Tenzo, his brown eyes flicked to her face, then focused on her eyes. He'd had more than one anxiety attack that left him gasping for air during the course of his detox. He and Sakura had come up with dozens of grounding techniques to help take the edge off. Ironically, the simplest had been focusing on her. Tenzo's hands came to rest on Sakura's shoulders, warm against her bare skin, and she wrapped her fingers around his wrists.

"Follow my breath," Sakura encouraged, exaggerating each inhale and exhale to make them more obvious. She repeated the words twice before Tenzo's chest started to rise and fall with hers. Trailing her thumb along the underside of his right wrist to provide another anchor to reality, Sakura nodded. Tenzo's hands curled, nails pressing into Sakura's skin, but his next inhale came easier. "Good."

The glazed expression receded from Tenzo's eyes and his grip relaxed, but he didn't let go. He breathed Sakura's name, voice strangled despite the fading panic. She squeezed, stepping closer. "I'm here."

Tenzo's shoulders relaxed, and his head tipped forward with relief. For a moment, all that Sakura could see was the intensity of his gaze. She lifted her chin, refusing to break the contact that helped pull him back from the brink. Tenzo's next breath warmed her cheek as he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry," he murmured, releasing Sakura's shoulders.

"You've got nothing to apologize for." Letting her hands fall away from Tenzo's wrists, Sakura chuckled. Her lungs felt too small, like the oxygen in the room couldn't fill them as much as she needed it to. "Though, I'd like to know why you were knocking on my bedroom, as opposed to the front door, like a normal person."

Despite the poor lighting, Sakura saw a warm blush spread across Tenzo's cheeks as he shrugged. "You must not have heard it the first time, and I didn't want to cause a scene. So, I picked the lock."

Sakura raised one eyebrow toward the ceiling. "What if I had set up traps or threw a kunai at you?"

"I would have avoided it." Tenzo shrugged, running a hand through his hair.

"Of course you would have, Mr. Anbu Captain," Sakura teased, eliciting an almost grin from Tenzo. She glanced at the clock on the nightstand, surprised to find that it was shortly after three. The medicine would have worn off a couple hours ago, so it was a good sign that he'd lasted a little while without it.

Tenzo offered a half smile as an apology, but Sakura saw the exhaustion behind his gaze. She stared up at him for a long moment, then nodded behind her. "Come to bed?"

The man's visible double take prompted a deep laugh from Sakura. "There's still a couple of hours before dawn, and we could both use more sleep. Do you think you'd be able to?"

"Maybe," Tenzo shrugged, cutting his eyes toward the still tidy linens with a deeper flush coloring his cheeks. "I don't know."

Climbing back into bed, Sakura pulled the blankets across her lap and fought down a yawn. "Come on. I promise I won't bite, and I'm not sleeping on the couch again."

"I can sleep on the couch," Tenzo insisted. He shook his head while gesturing at the bed. "This would be too weird."

"It's no weirder than the past three days. Is it Tenzo?" Sakura accentuated the man's name to remind him how much things had changed between them. Reaching out, she grabbed Tenzo's arm and pulled. He stumbled forward two steps, nearly fell, then caught himself on the headboard with one hand. "If it freaks you out, you can sleep on top of the blankets. But, I promise this is more comfortable than crashing on the couch."

For two heartbeats, Tenzo didn't move. Sakura watched the emotions play across his face, wondering if she'd pushed too far. Despite having spent almost a week living together, this was something new, something foreign. Sakura had checked on Tenzo throughout the nights or slept on the couch as the medicine lulled his mind into unconsciousness, but this was actively helping him relax.

"There's a blanket at the foot of the bed, if you need it," Sakura pointed out, watching Tenzo with a mixture of gentleness and amusement.

Pushing himself away from the headboard, Tenzo reached for the dark blue throw. Sakura breathed a sigh of relief when he moved to the other side of the bed and sat down. She rolled over to face him as he leaned back, but almost immediately, Tenzo sat up. "Just relax." Sakura rested one hand in the center of his chest and guided him toward the pillows. "Lie back."

Tenzo sank onto the extra pillows and blew out a breath, body stiff. The man's jaw clenched around the awkwardness of their situation. Sakura wasn't sure if he'd welcome physical contact, but she brushed her fingers against the back of Tenzo's hand anyway. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," Tenzo answered, not quite pulling away from the touch, but not reaching for either. "It was just a panic attack."

Sakura hummed in understanding, she'd never wanted to talk about them either. "Can I do anything specific to help you sleep?"

When Tenzo shook his head the way she'd expected, Sakura curled up beneath the blanket and yawned. "Okay, well, I'm here if you think of anything."

As much as Sakura tried to make herself available, she couldn't keep her eyes open. The silence and darkness dragged her back toward sleep. As Sakura fell into the blackness, a single thought surfaced: hopefully, Tenzo would follow.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Sunlight irritated Tenzo's eyelids until they slitted open to reveal unfamiliar grey walls around him. He blinked, taking several long seconds to remember that he'd fallen asleep in Sakura's apartment. Not just in her apartment, but in her bed, his brain supplied helpfully. The woman's warmth nestled against his left hip, three layers of blankets between them. Sakura had cocooned beneath the covers, pink hair barely visible above them.

Rather than risk waking the woman up by climbing out of bed, Tenzo looked around the small room more fully in the morning light. The subdued colors seemed at odds with the vibrancy that was Sakura. The furniture was plain and slightly battered, like she'd owned it as a child or picked it up second hand. There were a few splashes of color around the room, but it felt sterile compared to what he'd expected. A picture of Team Kakashi sat on the dresser, three far too innocent faces staring out of the frame.

A more recent photo of Team Seven sat beside the first, but Sasuke was missing from this one. Instead, Naruto grinned over a bowl of ramen while Sakura beamed at his side. Sai sat next to them with a half smile on his lips that could have meant anything. Kakashi stood behind the three, eye smiling. In the corner of the frame, Tenzo stared down at a piece of paper in his hand. He had no idea when the picture had been taken or who had snapped it, but he was certain that he'd been left holding the bill.

Tenzo almost chuckled at the image, but stopped himself short when he remembered where he was. His mirth died further at the reminder that in just a few short hours, he would be submitting himself to the Intelligence division. Technically, Anbu was part of T&I, or at least a close cousin who worked hand in hand with it. Anytime a mission required for someone to be taken alive, they were turned over for interrogation. None of the Anbu liked to think about what went on behind closed doors, but they all had their suspicions.

And now, I'm going to find out willingly. Tenzo shuddered and extracted himself from the single blanket that he'd used. Sakura mumbled something that he couldn't catch then curled tighter in her cocoon. Tenzo crossed to the small bathroom and examined his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were clearer than they'd been in a long time, but red spidered across the whites in places. He turned the water on and raised a handful to his mouth, swishing it around to remove the cottony sleep taste from his tongue.

Dozens of bottles lined Sakura's counter, most with names that Tenzo didn't understand even after reading them. He didn't linger long, though. For some reason, examining this part of Sakura's life felt like an invasion. He wondered if the woman had felt the same way in his apartment, or if she took it stride better than he had. She'd spent several days there and never raised a question about his belongings.

Shrugging off the thought for another time, Tenzo crept out of the bedroom and into the rest of the apartment. He headed for the kitchen out of habit. A quick rummage through the cabinets revealed that Sakura didn't have any tea that might take the edge off the morning. He filled a glass with water instead and took a drink. As Tenzo did so, he heard soft footfalls on the tile behind him. Turning, he found a bleary eyed, pink haired mess.

Sakura yawned as she stepped past Tenzo to reach for the coffee. "Did you get any sleep?"

"Some," Tenzo conceded with the dip of his chin. He had fallen into a fitful sleep some time after Sakura did, plagued by vague nightmares that he couldn't remember. That was preferable to the alternative, at least. "You?"

"Some," Sakura mimicked, stifling a yawn. She ran a hand through her unruly tresses which had pulled loose from her ponytail to stick out in every direction, then frowned. "What are you staring at?"

Tenzo realized that he'd spent too long trying to figure out why Sakura looked different. He finally settled on the strands of pink that were more fluffy and less sleek than usual. He averted his eyes with a shrug. "Nothing."

Grumbling under her breath, Sakura stretched her arms above her head until the soft pop of bone echoed in the room. The sleeveless top that she wore rode up to reveal a smooth expanse of toned muscle across her stomach. Tenzo frowned at the painful noise. "That doesn't sound healthy."

"That's an old wives tale." Sakura tugged her clothing back into position with an eye roll. "Popping your joints is perfectly safe as long as you don't overstrain them."

Tenzo shrugged and took another sip of his drink. "Sure, if you say so."

"I do say so," Sakura returned, pushing past Tenzo to rummage around the cabinets. She produced a packet of oatmeal from one of the shelves, then returned it with a grimace. The refrigerator offered even less, and the woman huffed out a sigh. "I need to go shopping."

"I could pick something up. I wanted to go home and change anyway." Tenzo indicated his sweatpants and t-shirt. He wasn't sure what a person was supposed to wear to counseling, but he knew that it wasn't this.

Sakura appraised Tenzo over the mug that she'd lifted from another shelf. "You'll come back? I won't have to chase you down this time?"

Tenzo flashed a grin as if he hadn't just been considering skipping therapy all together. "I'll come back. I promise."

After another couple of seconds of scrutiny, Sakura nodded. "Alright. I'll see you in about an hour."

--------------------------------------------

An hour and a half later, Tenzo and Sakura stood together outside the Intelligence building. He'd changed into jeans and a t-shirt, at least in part to avoid drawing attention to himself. Sakura had been adamant that Tenzo was off duty until he got cleared by psych. The uniform only served to remind him that he was no longer Anbu; he wasn't even a pretend jonin of Konoha. It had been so long since Tenzo dressed as himself that he wasn't sure what that meant any longer.

When Tenzo had arrived back at Sakura's apartment, a bag of muffins in one hand and coffee in the other, the woman had transformed back into someone that he knew. Her wild hair had been tamed into straight pink tresses that framed her face, and the comfort of her pajamas exchanged for the familiar black leggings and red dress. Neither of them spoke about the walls that they'd knocked down the previous night, or the ease with which they rebuilt them in the morning.

"It's going to be fine," Sakura decided, her voice filled with the confidence of someone who wasn't about to have their mind poked and prodded. "This is going to be fine."

Tenzo nodded without speaking, throat too tight to let the words slip out anyway. He followed Sakura into the cool dimness of the reception area and tried to still the beating of his heart. A young man sat at a desk behind a glass enclosure, idly reading a scroll and transcribing notes into a computer terminal. His gaze slid over the pair as he rolled the scroll closed with a soft snap. When Sakura approached the desk, the man's lips twisted into an expression that made Tenzo fearful for his safety.

Sakura's sickly sweet smile as she met the man's gaze made Tenzo nearly as nervous. "We're here to see Yamanaka-san," she said as a way of greeting. Tenzo frowned at the haughty tone her voice had taken.

The receptionist scanned the ledger in front of him as if looking for their names, then frowned. "Do you have an appointment?"

Sakura's chuckle sounded anything but friendly as she stalked toward the glass cubicle. The man didn't flinch as he gazed up at her, half smile on his lips. Tenzo wasn't sure if the boy had a death wish, or if honestly didn't know who Sakura was. Imagining the latter was difficult considering her notoriety after the war.

Resting her forearms on the ledge above the man's desk, Sakura leaned forward to level him with a glare. "I don't have an appointment, and we both know that it doesn't matter."

The man's eyes flicked toward Sakura's chest before returning to her face. Tenzo didn't need to fake the growl in his voice when he moved closer to Sakura's side and spoke. "Is Yamanaka-san available or not?"

A sharp peal of laughter made Tenzo's hand ball into a fist at his side. Sakura dropped her arm to brush her fingers against Tenzo's side as a warning to calm down. The chunin eyed them for a moment, then inclined his head. "I'll page her. Have a seat while you wait."

The cheap wood and plastic squeaked as Tenzo settled into a chair that couldn't have been more uncomfortable if it tried. Sakura perched on the edge of hers, as tense as he was. Tenzo wondered why. The woman's legs bounced on the balls of her feet as she alternated her attention between the man behind the counter and the doorway that led deeper into the building. Across the room, the receptionist murmured into the telephone receiver at his desk. Then, he ignored them all together.

Tenzo didn't try to break the silence as he watched Sakura in his peripheral vision. He wondered if she knew the man behind the desk, if she came here for counseling after difficult missions. The thought hadn't crossed his mind until they stepped into the building. Tenzo never felt an inclination to discuss what happened as a part of his job; it went against everything expected of shinobi. He had assumed that everyone else operated under a similar ideology.

From their earliest training, ninja and Anbu were expected to divorce themselves from the emotion of their lives. The tools wielded by Konoha didn't need human limitations; fear and love were more deadly than any weapon in the midst of battle. Tenzo had seen it time and time again: a teammate throwing themselves into harm's way when they should have held back. Naruto had done it more often than Tenzo cared to recount, living through sheer stubbornness it seemed. That, and the nine tails healing chakra. But normal shinobi didn't have that luxury; they needed cool, unswerving logic.

The careful balance between death and life was all that Tenzo had ever known. He'd been in the black ops since he was practically a child, but Sakura had been afforded different opportunities. When Tenzo had taken over leading Team Seven, Kakashi had filled him in on the background of each shinobi. He'd learned more with reconnaissance of his own. Sakura's parents were civilians, her father was a merchant, and her mother stayed home to look after the house. There had been no reason for Sakura to choose the shinobi lifestyle. Tenzo wondered what had drawn the woman to enter the ninja academy, but he hadn't asked. It seemed too personal.

Even now, Sakura spent most of her time inside the village in her role as a medic. The hospital couldn't afford to be without her for long, especially after Tsunade and Shizune left. Sakura could have opted to be taken off the mission roster entirely if she wanted. No one would call it cowardice to admit that she was better suited for life in Konoha. Except for Sakura. The woman had stood side by side with people like Naruto, Sasuke, and Kakashi. Tenzo doubted that she would let anyone take a risk that she wasn't willing to shoulder herself.

Before Tenzo could finish organizing his thoughts, the doorway beside the reception area opened and Yamanaka Ino swept into the room. Seafoam blue eyes slid past the receptionist with a look of reprimand, then settled on Sakura. Surprise sparked in her face at finding Tenzo next to her, but the woman covered it quickly. She held the door open with her body and offered a tight smile. "Sakura, Yamato-san," the girl bowed. "If you'll come with me, please."

Ino obviously hadn't known to expect them, and Tenzo wasn't sure if he felt relieved or worried that Sakura hadn't prepared her for the meeting. He rose mechanically from the chair and followed the women through the reception area. Blowing out a nervous breath, Tenzo tried not to think about how the door shutting behind him felt like a trap closing around his neck. Several rooms and hallways branched off the main passage, but Ino led them through the labyrinth without getting sidetracked or attempting to make small talk.

The blond showed Sakura and Tenzo to an office that was less intimidating than he'd expected. Warm sunlight slanted through the shade that were partially drawn to give the impression of privacy while making the space inviting. The walls were paneled with pale wood that reflected the light in a warm manner, driving shadows away. On the desk, lilac and cream flowers had been arranged in a tasteful vase, adding a floral scent to the air. The atmosphere was meant to be calming, but it left Tenzo on edge.

Indicating a low couch on one side of the room, Ino took the high backed chair across from it. A table separated the two like a too small ocean. As Tenzo stared down at the pale blue fabric, he fought the urge to laugh this meeting off as a big mistake. He didn't think either of the women would try to stop him from leaving if he went for the door. Even if they did, he was stronger than both of them. Sakura settled on one side of the couch and gazed up with an expectant look. Tenzo swallowed the lump in his throat and lowered himself beside her.

Ino crossed her legs at the knee, tapping one foot in the air to some beat that only she heard. She picked up a notebook and pen that were waiting on the side table, then nodded. "So, what can I do for you?"

Tenzo's heart rate increased, drawing his attention to the soft pulse of blood in his temples and roar in his ears. He couldn't have spoken, even if he wanted to. After the silence stretched for an uncomfortable minute, Sakura broke it. "You remember when I told you I needed psych evaluations on Anbu?"

Ino's eyebrows rose before she reined in her surprise at finding out that Tenzo was in Anbu. Smoothing the emotion from her face, she inclined her head. "Yeah, but you left out the part where you drag them to my office personally."

Sakura chuckled, a light shade of pink coloring her cheeks. The sound eased some of the tension in Tenzo's shoulder, as did the way her green eyes cut toward him with an encouraging smile. "Only the difficult ones," Sakura teased. As the soft laughter died down, she continued. "Yamato has been struggling with—"

"Let me stop you there," Ino interrupted, holding up a hand. Her gentle smile focused on Sakura. "It's obvious that you want to fix whatever this is, but you can't."

Tenzo felt Sakura tense beside him as she opened her mouth to argue. Ino spoke before she could get the words out. "If I brought you a patient and told you all of their symptoms, would you still examine them?" The woman waited for Sakura's lips to compress into a thin line as she nodded, then continued. "This is no different."

Turquoise eyes met Tenzo's, and his stomach dropped. Despite the fear that made his body tense in preparation for an attack, he knew that Ino was right; Sakura could only carry him so far. The idea of reliving all the things that he'd been trying to hide for so long made him nauseated. He couldn't imagine going through it without having something to take the edge off, even after the progress that he'd made.

The room blurred at the edges, shrinking to the brilliance of Ino's eyes and the sharpness in her gaze. Tenzo felt like he was drowning; he couldn't draw a full breath. Something fluttered against his hand, light and insistent enough to draw his attention. Gazing down, he stared at Sakura's fingers brushing against his then pulling back like frightened fish. Tenzo exhaled.

Ino frowned at the movement, but didn't draw any attention to it. Instead, she stayed focused on Tenzo. "If you want to complete your evaluation, I can make some time now. Then, I'll clear you for active duty, or we can discuss any additional requirements. Is that something you're interested in?"

Staring resolutely forward, Tenzo nodded.

[pooopopop]

An Incredibly Important Topic Being Obscured by the Standom Phenomenon, And the Damaging Repercussions of the Self Help Industry. 

I originally started posting to this fandom out of spite and in defense of a friend I talk to privately, whose incredibly smart and thoughtful but has an anxiety in them born out of OCD and Clinical Depression, which keeps them from posting publicly themselves. In conjunction with that, this friend is disabled due to EDS and Chronic migraine, but in spite of (or maybe because of,) this friend is educated in Sociology and Religion. Over this weekend we watched a conversation go over in the fandom that frightened them and I feel inclined to address it, though even if I share their frustration I’m not as educated on this subject so I will be relaying their points as best as I can. Here is the discourse as portrayed by the loudest and most passionate users in the fandom:

Firstly, let’s get two things out of the way. A single person flushing a single bottle of pills is a non-issue, it’s ridiculous to say that it is a major contributor to the environment. Second, it’s outright evil and counterproductive to shame a person for addiction and substance abuse, not that Misha is even guilty of that. Now,

What Misha did was irresponsible and ill-advised, that is stopping your prescription cold turkey AND telling your audience, an audience admires you far too much for their own good, about how you did it as if it was a triumph. Being on an opioid (Hydrocodone or Oxycodone) for two weeks after a major invasive surgery like a hip replacement is not an addiction. It also isn’t withdrawal that caused black spots and suicidal thoughts. Withdrawal is not something that only lasts two days. I am not accusing Misha of lying, what we believe he is is a victim of scare tactics and the rhetoric of his surroundings, the withdrawal symptoms he felt were in all actuality most likely caused by rejecting the use of medication as prescribed by a doctor and suffering the physical pain of deciding to “grit and bare it” while you’re in recovery and the emotional pain experienced by telling yourself you are a failure for wanting the pain to stop bad enough to indulge in taking a pill. That being said, if you should fear that you are beginning to struggle with addiction, you should 100% CALL YOUR DOCTOR. Crisis calls and Crisis appointments are a real thing and you should never fear reaching out for help. Addiction is not illegal, being in possession of prescribed medication is not illegal, of course you will NOT BE ARRESTED FOR IT. What IS something we advise you to be cautious about it telling your doctor, nurse, or EMT that you are experiencing suicidal thoughts. Though it shouldn’t be this way, you could likely be put in a less than ideal situation, so you are better off never going cold turkey on any medication so that you can best avoid getting to that point. NEXT, It’s important to note that Misha never said he has a disability. What @THEEwinchesters is implying here is that Misha has Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which is pure speculation on his part. You should not diagnose people you do not know, celebrities the least of which. My friend is forgiving and would like to say that he probably doesn’t want anybody to ask him to elaborate because it would put him in a triggering position where he will have to defend and prove the diagnosis which is a struggle you already have to go through with a doctor in your own journey to get yourself officially diagnosed, but I don’t think that’s an excuse- if anything I think he should know that’s why you DON’T simply decide things for yourself in regards to strangers. You can’t base a diagnosis on being able to relate to somebody you like, and vice versa. But on the other side, Addiction is an illness. Depression is an illness. Both of which, now, Misha has opened up about dealing with. He seems to us like the type of person who rejects the idea of being ashamed of sickness and disability (in theory, more on that later); in fact, he’d likely claim EDS if he had it, and wear it proudly as an act of raising awareness and get Gish or Stands involved in it somehow. Since the OP tells you not to ask, we have to assume he is basing his diagnosis on is the fact that Misha is very flexible, a symptom of EDS. However, you see, Misha’s brother is a fitness trainer and yoga teacher. Which is a helpful Segway to the main topic that my friend had so much to say about…

IN the episode where Misha plays Castiel as a hippie, he is characterized as a spiritual leader and Sex Therapist(?), or at the very least pretending to be while he is indulging in his humanity. The portrayal seems to be based on Misha himself and his brother, even has a little shrine to Buddha making a cameo.

BUT- while it’s weird and not Cas, the biggest vice he indulges in that is explicitly condemned by the meta is… prescriptions. He pops some pills and Dean takes a look at them, and they are prescription amphetamines, which are prescribed to treat ADD. Vyvanse and Adderall. This being a vice is explicit, and its no coincidence that Misha also considers taking painkillers after a surgery to be something he had to overcome. He’s opened up about self medicating, dropping acid, smoking weed, Vicki’s book calls ecstasy a tried-and-true drug for threesomes (to use with caution, after condescendingly referring to XR drugs as “designer”), and partakes in glamorizing our rampant drinking culture enthusiastically. What Misha is victim to, and what everybody surrounding him is victim to as well, is the Self Help industry. It’s a vile thing that capitalizes on the shame of physical and mental illness, poverty, and in doing that it villainizes our most vulnerable people telling them that it only takes hard work and discipline to feel good. It teaches you that wanting medication is taking the easy way out, and that suffering from ailments or circumstances is a moral failure.

You catch this? Of course, it IS a Buddhist proverb, but there’s a reason that using this proverb is something they have in common and it isn’t because Jared co-op’d it. He is an obvious victim of the Self-Help Industry too, take a look at who he follows on Instagram.

The Self Help industry deeply intertwines itself with religion, as yet another powerful motivator to shame it’s clientele. It’s almost a religion in itself, with it’s heavy promotion of following philosophies, spot lighting failures, moralizing personal wellness, and predatory tactics that are designed to appeal to you when you are at rock bottom. They incorporate Buddhism, Christianity, and secularism all wrapped up in this New-Age pseudo-spirituality centering a philosophy of personal empowerment. There’s an abundance of Prosperity Gospel Preachers, who have been under scrutiny for decades, exposed again and again as hypocrites and heretics, who are practically entirely responsible for creating the fundamental strategies for MLM schemes, and the ever enduring holistic/alternative medicine business. However, what goes less scrutinized are the abusive self-help speakers and communities that disguise themselves behind New-Age flower-y garble, “witchy”/occult aesthetics, and the current most prevalent (and imo most offensive) offenders, Orientalists. The overlap is inescapable for White, American Buddhists. Though OprahWinfrey identifies as a Christian, while she was the countries biggest pop culture icon she caused a tidal wave that flooded the country cooking American Christianity, New-Age paganism, and fortune cookie Buddhism in a fat pot of gruel She sold as “Umami”. White Buddhism went the way of prosperity gospel, white-washing the concepts of Karma and Dharma by ignoring their cultural roots (they are spiritual concepts born and bound to a caste system being in place), to turn them into profitable currency, and leverage for the argument that you are deserving of the suffering you experience, and traditional medication is not only lazy but it robs you of the opportunity to become a greater person by overcoming your suffering on your own merit. This is why Misha considered it a triumph throw out his RX and misidentified lingering recovery pains and bad frame of mind to withdrawal, because he considers pain medication to be an indulgence that he has to atone for. It’s why there’s no shame or significant repercussions you can blame on self-medicating/experimenting with illicit drugs + psychedelics. In contrast, the latter is a task he took upon himself and learn from, which makes it “kosher” so to speak. New Agers and Secularists were appealed by the same belief system when it was packaged and resold to the general public as Energy Exchange and the Law of Attraction when it was introduced to them by Oprah and her large scale promotion of the book, The Secret.

Joe Rogan laughs at it, but he went and reinvented the wheel, with what he’s coined as “The Winner and The Loser Mentality” and preaches to his audience. The pages Jared follows, ways2well, market their brand on Joe’s philosophy a ton, reposting clips from his podcast with a proud co-sign. On a post featuring Jared, they promoted another kind of anti-pharmaceutical pseudoscience movement, “Functional Medicine”.

Read about why that’s snake oil, here. The Self-Help industry exploits people and causes real, quantifiable harm. Oprah’s promotion of The Secret resulted in the death of a devout member of her viewership when she decided to stop treating her cancer with traditional medicine, because she had been sold on the idea that she had it within her to overcome it herself. I suppose, ultimately, she must have simply had a loser mentality. We recognize Misha and Jared as susceptible to their environment as anybody else can be, and we do truly sympathize with them, Jared in particular seems live in, what we will call… less compassionate surroundings, and suffers more for it if his public outbursts and on record emotional breakdowns are anything to speak of. (or… at least my friend does. Me, less so. Lmao) But it would be an absolute tragedy if any of you ended up hating yourself for needing medication to get through life, if any of you thought that having treatment resistant depression means something about you as a person. Medication is not a treat, it is not an indulgence, you aren’t at fault for your own pain and misery. You aren’t being punished. You aren’t any less valuable. You deserve to feel ok. You deserve help. Pills are not short cuts. Medication is not cheating. Please do not hold any of these men up so high that you think you need to trust their judgement and subscribe to their beliefs. You really do deserve better.

[violetueur-archive]

Continued from: HERE With: @fallesto​

❝ UM— because HONESTLY I was hoping you’d just say yes so that it wouldn't be an issue? Defy you? Are you saying you don’t approve?! ❞ Unbelievable! Unacceptable! Their relationship had gotten so much better, since they’d returned to the estate— kind of! How could he NOT give her his blessing? Was there someone better he had in mind? Of course not! There was no one else, but her! Where was the loyalty? After all they’d been through? Maybe even some appreciation, for helping ensure that Kyojuro could return home? Hadn’t she worked hard enough by this point, to be in his good graces? She’d proven herself strong, proven her dedication to this family, hadn’t she? There was no way she could accept a no, even if she didn’t actually need a yes. It was simply the principle of the thing!

She’d thought... it’d be a good time to finally bring it up. She’d wanted to say something as soon as they arrived, before things got too far... but it hadn’t been the right moment. Shinjuro had been ripped at the seams to see Kyojuro in such a state, and so was Senjuro. They’d needed time to heal, to work things out, without her involving herself. She’d been happy for them, still was. To see him finally reach out to his sons and offer them the love and care they yearned so desperately for, even if just a little, had been everything she could’ve hoped for. They all seemed so much happier. It made her feel good, to know that she’d helped achieve that, by being there to intervene in that fight. It wasn’t like she expected praise! She certainly hadn’t protected him for such a thing, but maybe a little might be nice, from this man, specifically. Especially when she was practically prostrating herself in front of him, to show that she really meant what she was saying.

She needed him to know, this wasn’t a fling. She was serious. She was devoted. She wanted to be part of this family, for real, eventually!

❝ I understand that, SIR, and I am VERY proud of you! ❞ She cracked a small smile, because okay, maybe she was being a little facetious. She did mean it, though. It had been a big step for him, and it had honestly been hard to watch, in the beginning. The withdrawal symptoms had been brutal, she could only imagine the anguish he’d endured, but it only spoke to his strength. His heart. She’d always known that man she admired was still in here, but maybe he could try being a little more kind... right now. For her sake! ❝ And that’s the whole point! If I’d ever dared ask you this while you were drunk, I think you would’ve slit my throat! ❞ It was probably true. She shuddered, to even think about it.

❝ UH— ❞ Oh MY GOD. NO. NO NO!! Not that, anything but that! ❝ U—UM... ❞ Oh how the tables had turned. Now it was her, who wanted to bash her head into the floor, and she did, actually. Only once, as her hands moved to cover her ears as if that could block out the words they’d already heard. THAT was certainly not a conversation she wanted to have with Shinjuro of all people, but she supposed it might’ve been foolish of her, to think that her and Kyojuro’s... activities... would’ve gone entirely unnoticed. She wanted to scream, but simply groaned instead. ❝ I WOULD apologize, but I’m not entirely sorry— I’m begging you for forgiveness though, and your blessing, still !! Hopefully before the floor swallows me whole or I fucking THROW UP, please !! ❞ Did she feel a little guilty? Only that he’d heard, but to apologize would mean she’d try not to do it again, and well...

That would most definitely be an egregious lie. 

[reidgraygubler]

a different type of high (spencer reid/reader) pt 6

Title: A Different Type of High (part six)

Request: no

Couple: spencer reid/gender-neutral!reader

Category: spicy fluff (RATED T)

Content Warning: swearing, talk about and allusions to sex, making out, mentions of dying, mentions of drug use (Dialiludid and Oxycodone), withdrawal and symptoms of withdrawal, attending narcotics anonymous, struggling with sobriety, mildly ooc spencer

Word Count: 3,637

Summary: Spencer and the team plan a dinner party to celebrate Reader’s 6-month anniversary of being clean. Reader and Spencer make a risky decision that could hurt their friendship 

A/N: Oh goodness, I’m so sorry this part took so long to be posted. I’ve had half of it written for a few weeks, and then I’ve been sitting on the other half bc it originally contained smut. I sat and thought about it for a few days, and I decided at extreme last minute to edit it and make it just spicy fluff, with a rating of pg13-T for the allusions of and talks of sex. I had my best friend proofread this and made sure it was a-okay to post with those ratings! i also edited all the parts so they could be for a gender-neutral reader! so please let me know if this part (or any other part) has an issue with pronouns. Again, im so sorry it took so long for this part to be posted. anyways, thank you all for the love and support! check out my masterlist!

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{***}{***}{***}

"Six months," I looked down at the token in hand. My eyes stayed glued to it for what seemed like an eternity, only looking away when there was a knock on the door. It wasn’t for 6 months, though, it was still my 5-month token. We’d be going to get my 6-month chip in a little bit...

"I hope you're not doing something stupid in there!" Spencer spoke on the other side of the door. I smiled before pulling the door open. He was leaning beside the door, waiting for me to leave. “I thought you’d never leave,” he looked over at me with a smile. I stepped more out of the bathroom and looked up at him. 

“Nope, just going to the bathroom,” I lied, but still kept a smile on my lips. I try not to lie to Spencer, but for some reason, this one was different. If I had it my way, I would keep myself locked in the bathroom, and never having to leave again. “Do you have to go? It’s free now,” I gestured towards the door. Spencer looked down at me with a raised eyebrow. “Although, I’d give it a minute…” I looked down at the ground and shrugged.

“Are you okay?” He asked, following beside me as I walked towards his bedroom. I sat on the edge of the bed and looked up at him as he stood right in front of me. "Six months, that's quite the achievement,” he whispered as he sat beside me.

“I’m just nervous… That’s all,” I shrugged as I looked over at him, “I already want the day to be over… Is that bad to say?” I rested my head on his shoulder after I leaned on him. 

“No, I don’t think so,” Spencer shook his head, “I think it’s totally valid. This is the first time that you’ve made it to such a big accomplishment… It’s exciting, it’s nerve-wracking…” he whispered. 

“I think it’s more than nerve-wracking…” my voice was hardly a whisper. “We should go. The faster we go, the faster we can get this over with,” I looked up at him and shrugged. 

“We should get going. It’s a very important meeting for you today. Gotta get that coin,” Spencer laughed, before standing up. I sighed deeply before standing up. I rolled my eyes. “It’ll be over faster than you think it will,” he wrapped his arm around me as he walked me outside. The weather drastically changed over the last six months, I’ve forgotten how nice Maryland can be when it’s not cold and snowy. And, as soon as we stepped outside, a warm breeze brushed across my skin and through my hair. I smiled, relaxing my shoulders slightly.

“It’s so nice out,” I looked up at Spencer and smiled. He returned the expression and looked around the street.

“Yeah, it is nice, isn’t it?” he looked back down at me with a soft smile. 

“We should go to the Washington Monument! I want to see the cherry blossoms! I’m sure they’re nice and bloomed and super pretty,” I suggested, hoping he’d want to go.

“I mean, if I have time. We have cases coming in left and right,” Spencer replied, making me feel sadder. I pouted.

“Yeah, that’s right. I guess I’ll just have to go,” I looked up at him with a sly smile.

“And, you’ll have to take lots of photos for me,” he smiled at me again. I rolled my eyes before tucking myself closer into his side.

{***}{***}{***} 

“I’m taking you out, come on,” Spencer grabbed my hand to pull me to my feet. I looked up at him and furrowed my eyebrows.

“What? Why?” I spoke, still staying on the couch. But, when he did finally get me on my feet, I yelped and fell into his body. Spencer wrapped his arms around my body to keep me steady. “We just got back!” I looked up as I tried to escape his grip.

“Because… You’re six months clean and that’s something worth celebrating,” he smiled as he looked down at me. “And, you deserve to be celebrated,” he whispered before poking my nose. I wrinkled my face and stuck my tongue out. “Please, for me?” he added. I dropped my shoulders. See, that’s not fair. He knows I’d do anything for him. And, if anything includes going out to celebrate something, then I guess I’ll have to do it.

“Okay, fine. You win. We can go out. But I don’t have anything nice to wear,” I spoke as I stepped away from Spencer’s embrace and towards his bedroom. I’ve basically moved into his place sometime over the last 6 months. So it could be our bedroom. But, it's an unofficial move in. I still have my shit in my shit apartment. “Granted, I don’t have much clothing here,” I looked back over at him and shrugged. It was just something to be planted in his head, maybe he’ll offer me to move in with him. Or maybe not. He’ll probably say that it isn’t very smart, me living with him. 

“I guess it’s a good thing that there’s something in the bedroom for you,” Spencer smiled as he dropped his head to his shoulder. I raised an eyebrow before looking into his room. “Jennifer and Penelope helped pick it out,” his voice followed me as I entered the room. 

“You didn’t have to get me this, Spencer,” I looked at him, awe in my eyes as I looked between him and the very nice clothing that was laid out on his bed. I honestly probably wouldn’t wear it out much. But if he takes me out to celebrate big milestones, then I’ll have an excuse to wear it.

“Of course I did. You should get to wear something nice on such a big night out. You get changed, I have to make a phone call real quick.” Spencer smiled at me before leaving me alone in his bedroom. I looked back down at the clothes and sighed deeply before changing out of my dingy sweater and jeans and into the dress. I looked down at my body before slowly leaving the room.

“I hate this,” I looked at Spencer, who was sitting on the couch, reading a book while he waited for me to finish getting dressed. He was quick to stand, nearly dropping his book to the ground as he looked at me. “Whaddya think?” I smiled at him before looking down at the clothes. 

“You look… It looks good,” Spencer looked up at me with a smile. I looked back up at him for a brief moment, only to look away. I could feel a heat grow on my cheeks as I walked towards him. “Oh, uh… Are you ready?” He watched as I grabbed for a sweater he let me borrow. 

 “Only if you are, you’re the one who planned this whole thing. I was fine just staying home,” I shrugged as I followed beside him. I didn’t want to argue with him on this one, though. He wanted to do something special for me, because this was a big milestone. And, it’s the first time I’ve ever made it to 6 months. Hopefully, it’s the only time I make it this far. But, who knows, bad things happen to good people. 

“I’m not going to be embarrassed, am I?” I looked up at Spencer as we walked out of his apartment. He grasped my hand as he led me out of the building.

“No, you… You shouldn’t be embarrassed,” Spencer furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head. 

I don’t know why, but all I could think about was going to a restaurant on my birthday when I was younger… And, you know how the waiters and waitresses would crowd around and sing you their lame version of happy birthday, while forcing you to wear a hat that dozens of other people have worn… Their stupid birthday schtick? Remember? Ah, those were the good times, when Mom wasn’t out of her mind. But, I don’t think Spencer would force people to sing me a stupid song and wear a stupid hat for being clean of drugs for 6-months...

“I’m trusting you on this,” I smiled at him as we walked towards his car, “no one’s gonna sing like a song or anything?” I looked over at him as I slid into his car. He looked down at me with furrowed eyebrows, confusion on his face. Then it hit me that he had no idea what I was talking about.  

“No…. No one’s going to sing to you,” he looked at me, his tone heavily confused. 

“Nothing to worry about then,” I smiled as he pushed the door shut. I quickly buckled in and waited for Spencer to get into the driver’s side. I looked over at him with a smile as he got in. “I was just thinking… On the rare occasion when mom wasn’t awful, she’d take me out to eat, and a lot of the times it was my birthday… You remember that? And then they embarrass the fuck out of you,” I sighed as I looked at him. 

“No… That never happened to me,” he glanced at me as he started his car.

“That’s a shame, we should change that,” I smiled evilly at him as he started to drive. 

“I hate that you’re looking at me like that,” he looked at the road as he drove to our destination, “Do I even want to know?”

“No, but you’ll find out someday,” I smiled at him.

{***}{***}{***}

Spencer and I were very quiet as entered his apartment. I think that goes to show just how exhausted we both were. Considering he had brought me to his friend’s house, where the rest of his team was, to celebrate. It’s not that the people were exhausting, it’s just that we were out late, and I’m very emotional.

Which was the reason why I found myself crawling into bed in just a shirt and underwear. I could hear Spencer’s laughter as I got comfortable, but struggled with the blanket.

“I’m so tired,” I sighed as I pulled the blanket over my body. The bed shifted as Spencer climbed in beside me. “Like, all the tireds… Sleepy, mentally, emotionally, psychically,” I looked at him as I pressed my head into the pillow.

“Rossi does know how to have a dinner party. Six months is a pretty big thing to celebrate.” Spencer hummed as he moved closer to me. I looked up at him and smiled. 

“You didn’t have to plan a party for me. I would have been okay staying here,” I whispered as I got comfortable in his form.

My back was pressed right to Spencer’s chest, just like many nights before. His arm was wrapped around my middle to hold me as close as possible to him. My legs were tangled up with his. I let out a deep breath of air before smiling to myself.

“I’m proud of you, you know that?” Spencer whispered, his nose brushing over the shell of my ear. I rolled my shoulders and hummed happily. 

“Now it’s your turn,” I mumbled as I shifted slightly. I knew he was still struggling. It’s not easy… And Dilaudid seems like a kick to the ass drug. He’s trying though. He’s trying his hardest. I just wish there was a way I could help him. I knew he had been struggling more often recently. I would be too if my mentor left unexpectedly. It wasn’t fair to him, or the rest of his team. He gets to have a bit of a struggle, he shouldn’t have to though. The man who replaced Gideon though, David Rossi, is a nice guy. But I know Gideon was like his father figure to him. 

Spencer let out a breath of air through his nose. His air tickling my skin and moving my hair. “I couldn’t have done it without you, ya’ know?” I mumbled, nuzzling my head into the pillow more. It was Spencer’s turn to hum. “And, I’m more than willing to be by your side,” I whispered, hoping he didn’t hear me. But, he did, because he just hugged me harder.

I know it’s only 6 months and not the rest of my life. But, without Spencer, I don’t think I could have gotten to the 6-month point. And, to be honest, I might be dead. 

“That’d mean the world to me,” he whispered softly. I turned around so I was facing him. He looked down at me with a small smile. “I’m doing better, you know,” he spoke softly. I looked at him and nodded. “It’s just hard… With Gideon leaving… It just feels like everyone’s leaving,” he sniffled softly. 

“I’m not leaving… And, by the looks of it all, you have an entire family that isn’t leaving you, Spencer,” I kept my eyes on him, watching as he looked down at me. He stayed quiet, mulling over the words I had just said.

In fact, that left us in a comfortable silence. My eyes stayed glued to him, whereas his were closed. I knew he wasn’t asleep though. Spencer never sleeps. I knew our day wasn’t over yet. We always talked more before either of us fell asleep.

But... something scared me. The way he held onto me. He held me like I would go missing in the morning when he did eventually wake up. His grip around my waist and torso was tight, like I was a stuffed animal and he was the owner. Part of me wondered if he feared I was a drug-induced hallucination and would vanish in thin air. I wish there was a way I could tell him, to convince him that I wouldn’t ever disappear like that. 

His nose twitched as he rubbed his face into the pillow under his head. He slowly opened his eyes and looked back at me, the exhaustion of the day sitting in his eyes and expression. I understood that feeling. But, if he was anything like me, and he is a lot like me, I knew that even though he was exhausted, sleep wouldn’t find us in a while. 

“Go to sleep,” he whispered, closing his eyes as he pretended to sleep. I laughed lightly, causing him to glare at me. 

“I’m not tired, and I know you’re not either. You’re faking it,” I muttered as I shifted even closer to him. I still kept my head tilted up so I could look at him. “You know I’m right,” I whispered, a smile suddenly appearing on my lips. 

“I’m not arguing your statement, am I?” Spencer replied, a smile growing on his lips. I almost kissed him. At that moment, it felt right. Our sudden sarcastic banter just made me want to kiss him. 

“No, no you’re not,” I laughed lightly as I looked at him. Spencer kept his eyes on me, hugging me harder as he tried to bring me closer to him. But at this point if I was any closer to him, I’d probably be in him. “Can I ask you a question,” I whispered so softly. If it was daylight or any other time of day, with any sound, I wouldn’t be heard. Spencer laughed before reopening his eyes.

“You just did,” he retorted as he looked at me. I rolled my eyes as I readjusted, moving so I was more face to face with him instead of face to chest. 

“I meant a real question, Agent Reid,” I stuck my tongue out at him. The smile that grew on his lips made me feel warm, and I couldn’t help but laugh. 

“You can always ask me a question, and you don’t even have to ask,” Spencer replied, his smile becoming more genuine than before. I could feel my heart beating as I looked at him. My body felt like it was flooding with a feeling that I’ve never felt towards another person… I just couldn’t put a name to it yet.

“Can I kiss you,” I whispered. It just happened. The words fell from my mouth, like I had no control over my mouth and the words I was saying. And now that the words hung in the air, I was left just staring at Spencer, and my heart in my throat. 

The expression on his face told me he was thinking about it. But the long silence was beginning to make me feel nervous. What if I ruined it all? What if I just ruined my friendship with Spencer all because I wanted to kiss him? It’s just my luck though, I get something so beautiful and so precious, I ruin it, or it gets ruined. But in this case… It was my own fault and doing. 

The next thing I knew, Spencer’s hands were cupping my cheeks, and his lips were against mine. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me with the sudden action. I was a little caught off guard. I guess his prolonged silence just convinced me nothing was going to happen. But I was definitely happy that it did, indeed, happen. And, I definitely enjoyed it. 

His lips were soft, yet somehow slightly chapped. I could feel the moisture on his lips from when he licked them moments ago, and I could taste the tiny bit of wine he had just an hour ago. The warmth of his body made me feel safe as I gravitated closer into his body. My heart pounded in my chest, and I wondered if he could feel it against his. My hands gravitated towards his head, my fingers getting tangled in his hair. 

Spencer hummed as I gently tugged on the hair on the back of his neck. The breath from his nose tickled around my lips and nose. Every movement he made, my body was quick to follow. I just couldn’t get enough of him, and he knew that. 

He was gentle as he moved so he was over me. His arms were wrapped around my torso, holding me close to his body. I knew I wanted to further what was happening, and part of me could sense Spencer did too. I pulled my head away, pressing it into the pillow a little bit so I could look up at him. He returned the look, but a certain fire was in his eyes. 

“Can we,” I stopped myself from talking, worried that I was even more out of line for asking if we could have sex. At least I’m asking. “We don-” I continued, but failed when Spencer pressed his lips to mine. 

“Yeah… Yeah we can,” he muttered before going to take off his shirt.  

{***}{***}{***}

It was honestly better than any type of high I’ve had before. Definitely better than marijuana, or oxycodone, or Dilaudid. I wonder if Spencer thought the same about that. This was probably safer too. You can’t overdose on sex, can you? Damn, I guess if that’s how I go… That’s how I go.

“Hey,” Spencer looked down at me with a small smile. I swallowed roughly before returning the smile to him. He brushed my hair away from my face before holding both my cheeks in his hands.

“Hey,” I returned the smile with a small giggle. Spencer laughed before kissing me again. It was tender and passionate with this kiss, and I wanted to melt into him. His hands were still on my cheeks, holding my face.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you or anything? Did I?” He asked, his tone heavily laced with worry. He moved his nose so it brushed against mine, smushing it to my face. I laughed and shook my head. 

“No, no, Spencer. You didn’t hurt me,” I laughed as I pressed my hands to his chest. “I don’t think you could hurt me… No matter what you do,” I quietly whispered. Spencer looked down at me and smiled.

“I promise I won’t ever hurt you,” he returned in a whisper, "and I won't ever leave you." 

“In all seriousness, though, I didn’t know I had a sex drive like that…” I laughed, watching as Spencer sat up and away from me. “I mean, after all the oxy I’ve taken…” I shrugged, sitting up and wrapping a blanket around my body. Spencer looked over at me with a raised eyebrow as he stood up. 

“Considering it’s been six months, you don’t have it in your system anymore,” he looked at me for a moment before grabbing his boxers and an undershirt. “I’m getting you water, do you want anything else?” He walked around the bed and came to stand beside me. I looked up at him and pushed out my lips, silently asking for a kiss. Spencer smiled before pecking my lips quickly. 

“I’m okay with water,” I watched as he walked away. He nodded before leaving me alone in his room (Again, I would go as far as to say our room. But I don’t exactly live with him… full time). 

  When I finished cleaning myself up in his bathroom, I grabbed one of his shirts and a pair of boxers, and I sat on the center of the bed, waiting for him to return. 

I realized something while I was waiting for him to come back to bed. And it’s something I don’t think I could ever tell him. Because, if I tell him this, I’d probably lose him. I don’t think I could handle losing Spencer.

 I loved him. I loved Spencer Reid and that was probably going to be the thing that killed me.

a different type of high taglist: @shameleswhorehourstm​ , @itsametaphorbriansblog​ , @bxtchboy69​ , @sammypotato67 , @seninjakitey , @thatsonezesty13  , @thebluetint , @honestlystop​ , @herecomesthewriterwitch​ , @mediocrity-atitsfinest​ , @honeyboysteezy​ , @aluna190​

tags that didn’t work: @exilereid  , @mediocrehamiltrash  

(if you want to be a part of the a different type of high tag list, please reply or send me a message!)

[jimothysomebody]

I am halfway, give or take, through this stupid THC detox. Jaysus what a saga of shenanigans this fuckery has been. My brain chemistry is way too delicate for this shit. Props to people who can handle it cuz it's not for me.

I liked how I used before... occasional vaping here and there, idk if it was just amping up my use of the cheap delta 8 stuff, or sometimes being able to vape the proper real deal cannabis carts fresh from the dispensary (medical and recreational is legal here in Ohio)... or just my overall inconsistent use of either/both, but this has been so taxing on me.

In the worst of my highly anxious (read paranoid or even fkn cannabis withdrawal induced psychosis) episodes feared everything from brain cancer to POTS to stroke to aneurysm to diabetes to hypoglycemia to vitamin toxicity to hypoxia to blood pressure issues... but ultimately, so far, everything... *EVERYTHING* has fit the timeline and symptoms of withdrawal and detoxing. Sleep disturbances, changes to mood & anxiety, changes to appetite, headaches, stomach issues, chills & sweating, short lived episodes of lightheadedness & confusion/loss of focus out of nowhere have been the scariest for me... to top it off, I think being anorexic from February 'til April exacerbated it, too...

The dizzy/woozy spells began late March, and have been a regular (but not daily) occurrence since. Some days I've had no symptoms for long stretches of time or when I did they were very minor, some days I've had none at all. Prior to quitting cold turkey on the 12th symptoms seem to have correlated to my pattern of vaping. I'd vape, feel better for a day or so, and then go right back to being miserable.

Eventually I saw the pattern and decided to test the theory that, just maybe, my own sporadic and inconsistent habits were keeping me in a near constant state of withdrawal. For the most part I was a light weekend user in the evenings, but... I'd vape with my bf when he came over with the good stuff, or when we hung out with friends who also had better stuff than I do. I also just did more some days than others, weekdays & weekends both... but the days I had the good stuff I'd feel better... until I didn't.

I *almost* wish I was a daily or heavier user... just to not feel this way anymore... it's not a constant horrible feeling but when I feel it it's not great and it's kinda scary. I like getting a little bit high, relaxed or silly, I also love what it can do for my anxiety and mood, it's also been a great help for occasional aches and pains... and it can be very nice to do socially, but I don't really feel compelled to get high that regularly or that much, and don't really need or even want to, *especially* if I know that lurking around the corner is this absolute nightmare of withdrawal that I've been dealing with since like March 18th if I don't keep up with that kind of use.

Today was day 10... 10 days without any thc from anything. I still expect withdrawal symptoms for another week or so, but if the last 10 days symptoms lining up with the detox timeline of symtpoms and when they most commonly start to occur have been any indicator, it absolutely *has* been withdrawal I've been struggling with, and I can't fuckin' wait until I'm through this. God what a nightmare. I've had withdrawal from caffeine, from antidepressants like Pristiq & Effexor, from sugar (which nearly put me in a psych ward, 2 of the most depressed and anxious weeks of my life, jaysus never again), but this... this fucking experience is in a league of it's own, it's single handedly been the worst... and I'm so glad to be (or at least, I'm convinced) half way through this.

[zekidork]

I wanted to write about that I think vampires have two types of hunger/thirst physical and emotional. What do you think about this?

Ooooh, I’ve been thinking about the vampire’s relationship with blood recently. There’s so much to unpack in general when it comes to a vampire’s thirst, but I think I’ll try to stick to a few points. 

I most definitely agree that there is an emotional component to thirst in a vampire’s desire for blood.  These signs are all over the place (and I’ll get into them in just a sec), but when it comes to a physical thirst, I’m not so sure about that. So let’s start with the physical one first, since I’m more in disagreement with you here. 

I don’t believe there’s a physical aspect to a vampire’s thirst/hunger; then again, I would like to maybe know what you mean by physical hunger/thirst. From what I understand of the term, it seems like you’re referring to a thirst/hunger that would need to satisfy the physical needs of a vampire. If that’s what you’re referring to, then I disagree. One of the main reasons, which was recently brought up by the perceptive Taro in ch.30, is that vampires also eat food just like humans. Blood does not replace food for vampires, they still need to eat normal foods (while I’m sure starvation won’t kill them). This means that blood isn’t a necessity in biological terms, but more of an emotional need. 

Even when blood is referred to as food by vampires, I still don’t believe that it’s in the same sense as it would mean to be hungry for breakfast, for example. It’s rather more like when someone who’s addicted to sugar says “I’m craving some chocolate bars”, which is technically food, but you don’t need chocolate bars to survive. Okay, so while blood is a substance and can be referred to as ‘food’, it isn’t necessarily food like what meat and vegetables would be (which contain important vitamins and other important nutritional factors to help keep the body healthy). Another reason why I don’t think the hunger for blood is a physical one is with how young vampires act towards blood. Vampire children don’t have strong enough fangs in order to bite a person, so they simply suck on an individual’s “life energy”. If it were a physical hunger, than even vampire children would need blood to survive (their cravings wouldn’t start during puberty). 

There’s a lot more evidence showing that a vampire’s hunger for blood is on the emotional side. It’s funny because I’ve been thinking about making a post to analyze what blood means to vampires and just how much it symbolizes in the story (there’s literally so much to unpack), but I’ll try to stick to the point. Anyways, I’ll name a few aspects that appear often in the manga to prove my point. 

“Only the blood of the vampire’s true love can satisfy their thirst”. This aspect was brought up a little later in the manga, but it was technically always there. The feelings of ‘love’ and a vampire’s thirst for blood are clearly intertwined, which only happens if the desire for blood is correlated to emotions. If vampires are only satisfied with the blood of the one they love, than that means that their emotions play a key role into how they desire for blood. For example, Yuuki throughout volumes 11 to 19 was going through a lot of issues when it came to who’s blood she desired, since she said that she’s “still attached to Zero”, which meant that her thirst couldn’t be entirely quenched. This sort of thing could only happen if emotions were related to the desire for blood.

“Think of blood as a drug”. I know this might sound crazy, but in some ways, blood and the desire for blood are heavy metaphors for drug addiction. It’s as though vampires are born drug-addicts as their nature, but they still need to eat and drink water and do all the other human things. One of the main things that shows how blood can be seen as a drug is how certain vampire classes react to it: the purebloods and aristocrats are able to handle their thirst, since they are born with the desire to drink blood, they grew up and were raised to handle it. However, the level E’s weren’t born that way, so they don’t know how to handle this obsessive desire. That’s why they act like maniacs; they lost their sanity because they were consumed by the emotional compulsion to desire blood, to the point where it hurts them physically. 

Funny story, when I was younger, I actually confused level E vampires with monsters because that’s how much they seemed insane to me. Then I later found out that they are quite conscious of their actions and are capable of conversation (as seen with Zero’s bizarre habit of sometimes talking to his prey before killing them). This actually makes the level E’s seem darker, since it’s essentially like they cant help it (that’s why even Kaname was impressed of Zero’s sanity in the initial parts of the manga, because it’s almost impossible to go against the voice in a level E’s head that’s screaming to attack anyone on sight). 

Addiction has nothing to do with physical needs and everything to do with emotional needs. When someone is addicted to something, it’s usually related to their psychological behavior. And while purebloods and aristocrats don’t act like lunatics towards blood, they still crave it. Basically all vampires are inclined to desire blood, but some can’t handle it while others can:

Purebloods, Aristocrats and level C: Blood to them is seen as candy. It’s tasty and they have a “sweet-tooth” for it. *Think of how Hanabusa was metaphorically going shopping for blood types when he was asking the Day class students “what’s your blood type?” during St. Xocolatl’s day. It’s as though he was at a store looking at different candy bars and was choosing which one to eat.*

Level D vampires: As long as they have a master, they too would most likely look at blood like some sort of candy. But maybe it might be seen as something a little more important or addictive, since I’m guessing they’re addicted to their master’s blood.

Level E vampires: Blood is a literal drug to them (like alcohol, cigarettes, caffeine, you name it). They feel like they need it, and they constantly need it since their is no satisfying their thirst. It goes to the point where they kidnap people and commit crimes just so that they can satisfy their thirst (and even there it’s not enough). 

While each vampire class have their levels of intensity of desire towards blood, it still comes back to the point that they all emotionally/psychologically desire blood to the point where their body physically reacts to not having some (like withdrawals). Paleness of the skin is an example of one of the physical symptoms of this.

I really could go on and on, but I’m afraid that’s enough of my disorganized thoughts. So yeah, I personally believe that a vampire’s hunger comes down to the emotional/psychological needs/desires of a vampire, which in turn affect the physical aspect of their lives. But there isn’t an actual physical need for blood, from my understanding. Once again though, I’m really curious as to what you mean by “physical hunger”, I would love to hear your thoughts (if you don’t mind). And if you are going to write a post on the subject, I can’t wait to read it!

Thanks again for your ask!