#so maybe they don't remember him very fondly/remember him worse than he actually was?

[samgelina-jolie]

I see a lot of ppl who talk about Steve "still being an asshole still in early s2" but i don't really get it? Like what did he do that makes him still an asshole pre-Dustin? He's barley there pre-Dustin

S2 Steve has less of the of an antagonistic love interest in the triangle who your obviously supposed to root against vibe like in s1, its more like he's the boyfriend in a Hallmark movie the lead girl is with before she moves back home, promptly forgets him and marries her childhood sweetheart in my opinion

Like yeah I guess he's a mid boyfriend (though I don't think anything to do with Steve was the main issue in Stancy's relationship) but hes not a bad guy by that point. So I don't get people who are like "I still don't like early season 2 steve but he's good by the end" when early season 2 Steve is just some guy by that point.

[ghostflowerhotpotch]

Meet the Parents Part 2

Okay, once again, I rambled for too long and needed to do a second part. Sorry that this post is also coming delayed, real life stuff comes first.

Part 1 to be up to speed!

You know? Maybe it was for the best that the post got cut short, I realized of a small detail that didn't notice yesterday.

The sequence where this four frames are from last around a 1 or 2, I am not really doing this in any professional fashion so I cannot say the exact time; but it is pretty quick, even at half speed.

But you can see how for a moment, Gwen either realizes this is not going well, or drops the enthusiastic persona for a second. Either way, I think it shows that this is not going how she expected.

While Gwen hasn't heard enough to know it was a bad idea using their first names, I don't doubt that Miles talks about them fondly.

She got along well with May and Ben (I notice later that there are some flashbacks including Ben.) And that probably meant a lot to her because you can see how prevalent was the relationship between those families, eating together, talking, etc. Almost like a family.

I don't think Gwen would like to replace Peter and his family, but Miles is not a replacement of Peter anyways. She probably wanted meeting them (Even if I am sure she didn't want to have this meeting today,) would run a lot more smoother.

Because she knows Miles loves his parents, and they do sound like good people; she didn't even seem to think this could actually turn so awkward.

This moment just last a couple of seconds at best, so this goes fairly quickly.

And again, I am not saying this because I want to paint Miles' parents in a bad light; even if they are not giving a fair shot to Gwen, all things consider they are been extremely patient with Miles.

(I really need to do a post about that.)

Now going back to where we left it.

Oh this scene is so hard for me to see.

(Sorry, but DAMN the representation here; this didn't exactly happen to me, but similar enough that is giving me the most embarrassing flashbacks. No I am not saying this is an universal experience, just very painfully real to me.)

Okay, Miles' parents are being over protective here? Oh for sure.

While I think their actions are very logical and understandable once you remember they have no idea what Miles is doing; this is really the part where Rio and Jeff shows us they also need to mature in this movie.

And I don't say it as an insult; a lot of parents have trouble with this transition, and Miles is their first and only child; with said child suddenly not acting as the same kid anymore.

(Sidenote; I am surprised Miles doesn't have any siblings, Jeff and Rio look so in love I am surprised it didn't happen.)

I love how Gwen just takes her hand back, like "well damn I didn't even get a date with him and his parents already are telling me to back off."

Also oof, poor Miles. Honestly forget three months this is probably worse than that already.

Rio making that joke is painfully realistic and let's move on to the other part of that dialogue.

I think Rio and Jeff aren't just trying to establish some rules with Miles (considering the amount he has broken today,) but they also need to reaffirm themselves of being able to dictate what's going on Miles's life.

Again, this is coming just after they grounded him, and then he dipped out. They are feeling they are losing him.

I love Rio, I do, but ma'am this is how you get your kid to keep even more secrets for you.

Not much else to say here, this is the lesson she and Jeff need to learn. Miles is (probably) still hating being alive right now; and Gwen is somehow able to keep that composed face despite everything which has to be one of her most impressive feats in this film.

I honestly have to feel it for Gwen right now.

She probably knows the alert her watch is giving her is bad news, so she really doesn't have another choice.

Forget not making a good impression with Jeff and Rio, now she just lost her chance to have a decent goodbye with Miles.

At this point I don't think she would had admitted to herself this couldn't happen again, I think even now she hoped for another chance later down the line. But there is no idea to know when.

I have no idea what she would had said if she had the chance to say goodbye on her own terms, to his face; but it was certainly not what she ended up doing.

Girl, 3 years being spiderwoman and you can't still come up with good lies for situations like this?

Ok I cannot blame her for not being able to come with up with something better; this entire conversation was already not going well and now she basically needs to flee, which doesn't help.

Oof, look at Miles's face, he really looks so heartbroken here.

For all the awkwardness Gwen has sported during this conversation, this is among her most natural expressions; while she is probably not stranger for dipping early, I do think this is not how she wanted to leave.

Gwen really didn't want to leave, at least not leave Miles. While she couldn't really explain what was going on, I think she wanted to let him no that this isn't about his parents or him, she wouldn't be going out if she didn't have any other choice really.

Jeff hasn't really said much during this conversation, mostly having judgy stares at most, but you can see his expression become a bit more open once he sees Gwen's behaviour change.

Rio I think is trying to maintain a mask because she probably also caught on this looking a bit off, but also because is around here that she starts to realizing how much Gwen means to Miles.

I think is also around this point that Rio seemed to want to say something else.

She could just be trying to say goodbye, but I think her expression and her hand point out more than she actually wanted to intervene here.

I am pretty sure that regardless of how Jeff and Rio felt about Gwen, they didn't want to make her run away like that.

Because again, they are missing context; Gwen is leaving because the Spot flee and she just got herself into a mess, Miles knows this is related to spidey issues.

But as far as Jeff and Rio are concerned, this girl tried to be friendly (way too friendly for their liking but friendly nonetheless,) and is now running away after Rio decided to play Mother Hen.

(Sorry, that joke may not be understandable in english. Mama Gallina/Mother Hen is an expression used a lot in my country for moms that are very protective of their kids.)

Oh, this shot.

This is an interesting comparison because when Miles heard that Gwen was leaving, he looked so crestfallen; she could see it so did his parents but he didn't register the fact that it was so pain this was for him.

Gwen maintained a somewhat composed face to them, but on this shot that she is giving everyone the back, she looks so sad.

This, is basically their relationship in a nutshell. Miles wears his heart in his sleeve and can't help himself on it, and Gwen tries her hardest to keep her emotions at bay, but everything so often they creep back.

This is awkward, and it looks awkward, and this is really more into speculation territory than analysis, but I think she did it because she wanted to go for a hug, or similar.

I had mentioned in other posts how I believe Gwen is an affectionate person, or at least, someone who likes and seeks physical affection to those important to her.

The way she went to hug her dad both at the beginning and end show how much she craves affection; and how she barely contained herself before hugging Miles tells me not just that she probably has even less people to hug nowadays, but how much important he is to her.

But she probably doesn't want to upset his parents more, and his mom told her just a minute ago to basically leave Miles alone; so this was the best she could think of.

Nobody is really happy. Even Rio and Jeff are realizing how uncomfortable is Gwen; thought again, they are probably thinking this is all their fault.

This is really the moment when Rio and Jeff are probably realizing that whatever the heck is going on with Gwen and Miles, is important to them, or at least Miles.

Again, Jeff and Rio are worried, and they have no idea what Gwen's situation is, Miles mentioned she left town but they didn't even believe she existed prior this so they probably doesn't think that's case. Or even if it was, well, keeping contact can't be that hard in this day and age right?

(Sadly, Miles really needed to fall in love with a girl who to get in contact with you need technology from another timeline.)

Miles is 15, and they just met this girl, they couldn't imagine how much she matters to him, specially with all the secrets.

And here, is when Rio finally can let her own feelings aside for a moment, and see her actual son, and not the idea she has of him.

Of course, he is just staring at where she is at, no idea when he would see her again.

A part of me wonders, if he would had tried to go and say something else if his parents wouldn't had been here.

I really, do think Gwen wanted to say something else.

Now with all the context, it makes me so sad to see Gwen leave, and still have trouble to actually do so.

Because she knows this meeting wasn't suppose to happen, and she has no idea if she could ever repeat it or when. She has been so focused on Miles she completely neglected the mission, heck, she even neglected to keep an eye on the guy, which wasn't even so much of a fix for this situation.

You know? Something I kept thinking while analyzing this scene, is how is not just Miles struggling to keep a civial life and a spider life, Gwen is going to the same thing, or similar enough at least.

At this point, she has embraced the Spidey life, she literally has no other choice because she cannot go back home. Her life as Gwen Stacy was gone; being able to just be a carefree teen is left by the times she can be crashing at Hobbie's dimension, and even then, you see that is not enough.

In this sequence, she tries to go back to those patterns, like the camaraderie she had with May, or the jokes she probably shared with her dad's buddies.

But it doesn't go well, and her last moments with Miles were extremely awkward, and them discussing about the organization.

This all feels just like a bitter reminder, she can't be just a teen anymore.

Is a shame, because on the Clock Tower we basically confirm, that Miles was the only person that could make her feel that someone was seeing her for all her. To combine those two worlds she belonged.

But she can't have that now, just like she believes, she can't have Miles.

[attonposting]

Okay, so Carth keeps coming up lately, both by people who love him and people who don't, and I thought I'd throw my two cents into the ring.

People complain that Carth is sexist, a lot. And I get where that's coming from, I've got the same issues with his romance as anyone else. I love the bones of Carth's character and remember him very fondly – he's tied for my favorite character from KotOR I, even! But the writing is... flawed, to say the least, and in a way that goes past just 'poorly aged.' I don't think his lines themselves ever go worse than awkward, but there's some more fundamentally unhealthy stuff written into his relationship that I suspect wasn't intentional.

What I find interesting, and what a meme just very succinctly pointed out, is that many of the same people who have beef with Carth are cool with Atton. Who is definitely the more sexist of the two, both incidentally and deliberately. And it's a really interesting differentiation between the two pilots/f!PC love interests/earlygame buddies, because I think their palatability comes entirely down to how the games portray that sexism. So this is my attempt to figure out why one thing works and the other kinda doesn't.

Carth Onasi is introduced as a stand-up guy. He stays behind as long as he possibly can to save other survivors on the Endar Spire; he believes in the Republic wholeheartedly, he serves to protect and approves when you do the same, and other characters sing his accolades. He's supposed to be wholesome, but with PTSD-related trust issues that cause friction between him and you.

Atton Rand is the opposite of that. You find him in a jail cell, he's untrustworthy and a cad, at any given moment he's either abrasive or lying through his teeth, he complains when you help people, and when you get to the bottom of his trust issues, you find out he's a worse guy than you ever could have imagined.

It's much too oversimplified to say that Carth is supposed to be a good person and Atton is not, that's not where the problem comes from, but it will become relevant later.

When Carth starts flirting with you... okay. The biggest, most obvious problem is that the game wants you to be into it. Carth flirts and continues to flirt after you can tell him to stop. Sure, whatever; that's not egregious. You can respond to Carth's flirting positively or negatively, and that's great... but when you do respond negatively, the game loves to pull you into these playful insult exchanges where your PC shouts and pouts while Carth taunts you. There's where the issues start. Even when the player is trying to shut him down, they get dragged along for the ride anyway, and the narrative decides that this is also romantic. Thus KotOR I only has a shallow understanding that it's presenting a situation a woman may want nothing to do with. It's kind of impressive that you can actually call Carth sexist in-game, and yet it doesn't feel like the game actually understands that he is in fact being sexist.

Actually, no. Maybe I'm reading too deep into this, maybe this is why I'm so forgiving to Carth as a character, but I don't think the problem is Carth, I think the problem is that the game is being sexist in this particular spot. I was more annoyed by my own return dialogue options than anything Carth said to me - especially the ones where I was being mean. It felt like f!Revan was being pigeonholed hard into the writer's idea of 'women', that it was not an especially flattering or nuanced view, and there wasn't anything that I actually wanted to say. Definitely the writer did not understand my perspective as a player – but that's not a problem unique to K1 and it's one even the sequel is super guilty of at times, so I'll move on for now.

When Atton makes skeevy remarks, you always have at least one dialogue option to call him out for it, and you cannot ever react positively to what he says. Either you smack him down or you ignore him. This is extremely important. Yes, you could argue that it's not as accommodating to how different players might react... but what this establishes is that the game is self-aware. It does not think what Atton is doing is in any way attractive, or that it should be interpreted positively. Instead it acknowledges what a lady's probable reaction to his unwanted advances would be and encourages the player to express it, and the way that's written isn't a playful back-and-forth, it's the Exile snapping at him and Atton backtracking. Atton's being a piece of shit, but instead of stirring up chemistry, the narrative goes out of its way to mete out karma – hence everyone else on the ship mocking him, or the comically topical details like him being an unwashed loser who smells terrible and scratches his junk in public. Whether you like Atton or not, the game wants you to know that it thinks he sucks, and you are never left feeling like there is an unsettled score.

On the contrary, this lack of self-awareness is what makes Carth's romance in K1 hard to swallow if you didn't start out receptive to it. When you can react negatively to Carth's comments, it doesn't feel like you can do so in an intelligent way. The tone is very “Ugh, MEN, amirite” rather than “I don't like the turn this conversation has taken and would like to just be your colleague again” or just “Stop.” - which is probably what you wanted to say if you were just platonically enjoying or less-amicably bickering with your dorito-jacket companion when the gorgeouses started coming out of left field.

Worse, when you actually can shut Carth's romance down, it involves being a dick to him and stomping hard on his personal issues. Like I'd understand if a player was angry with him at this point, because again, you've been forced into a romance arc even when you were telling the game no as much as it would let you - but there's a huge difference between wanting to tell a guy to back off and wanting to shit on his dead wife or his Sith kid or his blown-up planet. I dunno, I'm not that vindictive! I think there's only a couple of options at the very end of his romance tree where you can turn him down... not even amicably, it's still rude, just without being a Grade-A asshole, and by that point, you have been through a lot of flirting you presumably didn't want to be involved with. Generally, the game won't let you break things off with him without being a dick, even if you never agreed to board that train in the first place. Now loop back to the way that K1 unfailingly portrays Carth as a great guy, whose flaws have nothing to do with his upstanding sense of morality, and there's where the dissonance comes from. Not only does the game push you into his romance after you said no, it makes you the bad guy for trying to get out of what he initiated.

But there's another issue in the timing of the Carth relationship. He starts his flirting while he's expressing intense distrust and standoffishness with your PC. With Carth's nonstop skepticism about your trustworthiness, and constantly bringing up his issues with you... at least during Taris and Dantooine, it comes off more like his attraction to you is superficial and not as a result of him growing to like you, something that's pushed by how it's always focused on shallow hooks like your appearance or your 'cute' attitude. It's very awkward. I do not think this was the writer's intent. I think Carth's supposed to be captivated by what he's seen you do, and that's just going in recursive loops in his paranoid little brain and making things harder for him. By the end of the romance, it's extremely clear that Carth's into you for you. But it's clumsily handled at the start.

Contrast this with Atton, who starts off aggressively sexist towards a female Exile, fifty times more offensive than anything Carth ever does. Literally the first line he gets is leering at the PC's forced state of undress, mocking her vulnerability, and he continues in that vein for much of Peragus. He creeps on your nudity at least four times off the top of my head, he ogles you, he complains about women, he tries to hit on you, he even contemplates the possibility of Sexy Kreia (which is a level of dickery I can scarcely comprehend.)

But that tapers off and disappears around the time he starts showing actual romantic interest in your PC, like when Kreia threatens him and it's revealed how much your opinion matters to him, or when he asks Bao-Dur for advice. And a female PC never sees it again. This creates the opposite impression – that Atton's attraction is a result of your time together. Sure, he's still a pig, but it follows that he wasn't making serious passes at you on Peragus because his behavior now that he is actually interested in you has changed. And it implies that in an actual relationship, that would not be how he'd view or treat you, which I think is crucial for how willing people are to ship Atton with their Exiles.

Now, this is all a product of how K2 did not actually answer that question and let you romance Atton, because with Carth, it's the opposite and you see exactly how he behaves once he gets into a serious relationship. It involves spanking. Things could be very different if K2 actually had fleshed out romances. It's hard to say, because both the PC and the crew were very thoughtfully written (I will take a bold step here and say that K2's characters were on the whole written much better than K1's), but on the other hand, Atton is still the worst and I'm pretty sure the game would want to remind you of that if you agreed to play tonsil hockey with him. And it may have crashed into the same pitfall that Carth's did; if the game railroaded your interactions with Atton up to some point, it'd leave a bad taste in anyone's mouth who wasn't already signed up for the ship.

With the way things are, Atton not only gets a free pass to be interpreted as generously as his fans want and easily ignored by those who weren't keen on him, he even gets an interest boost from this because people will always want what they can't have.

Anyway. With a male PC, you'll continue to see Atton make sexist remarks towards other female characters and can even have a wingman chat with him that is entirely him projecting his issues all over women. He doesn't make these comments with a female PC, suggesting that he's on his best behavior... but that he'd still totally be a leering asshole if he wasn't trying to impress you. With a male PC and Carth, his sexism is nonexistent, again probably because he was never intended to be sexist and it's a product of clumsy/oblivious writing.

There's an additional layer with Atton and the question of how much anything he does is an act, but that doesn't exonerate him from any of the crap he says. I could write a separate essay on Atton and his relationship with women, but the guy is very much a womanizer who's terrified of the idea of intimacy and has a lot of shitty opinions that stem from his defensive need to believe that nothing emotional is ever real or relevant to him. He might've been casing the Exile on Peragus, but his chauvinism is genuine.

But I digress. The tl,dr; is that Atton acts less sucky the more he crushes on you and Carth acts more. Combo that with how their respective games make Atton pay for being creepy but give the strong impression they want you to go along with Carth's nonsense, and it's a little less mystifying why Carth gets so little benefit of the doubt while the King of Trash enjoys fandom sexyman status. His romance is almost predicated on the fact that he's a scumbag, where Carth's is very confused to whether the awkward parts should exist or not.

There's a bit more that kinda hurts Carth. The flirting... well, from what I remember it just got “wow, okay then” later on, and I found it way more silly than offensive in any way, but him repeatedly bringing up how you remind him of his dead wife doesn't help the relationship much and suggests that Carth may be projecting someone else over you. I can live with that, drama's tasty and it doesn't prevent a real connection from burgeoning. You can make the exact same argument for Atton anyway, and I think his is way worse. My major issue is at the end of the game. Mr. Trust Issues does not react well to the events on the Leviathan, when it turns out he was right to have kept an eye on the PC all along. It's great payoff! And I absolutely adore his discussion after that, when he admits his struggles to reconcile you and Revan, how he tried but he can't hate you, how helping you gave him something real when revenge only left him hollow. Seriously, for all the shade it gets, there's some really great stuff in his romance too - you just have to stick it out long enough to see it. But then, on Rakata Prime, Carth seems to reconcile his crisis of faith and finally, wholeheartedly decide to love you in a way that falls flat on its face. He confirms you're a good person because you're not Revan anymore, like Revan is some purely evil part of you you've now cast off, when... that really seems more like denial than anything else, and not the foundation for anything healthy.

Seriously, I wish they'd handled that with more nuance. It would have counted for so much in my books.

All of that said. I know I just went after the man like a vending machine with a stuck bottle of chocolate milk, but I think the sexist vibes in Carth's romance are worst at the start and that he does not deserve the sheer amount of flack he gets. I've seen far worse offenders in the world of video game romances, and this might drive some controversy in and of itself, but I vastly prefer Carth x f!Revan to Bastila x m!Revan. There's a whole 'nother pile of issues in K1's other official ship (f in chat for Juhani), and I think those are much harder to deal with than the ones here. If anything frustrates me with Carth's romance, it's how unnecessary all of the bullshit is. I really want to get into it! The concept is perfectly fine! I love the character! There's good stuff in there! And when I replay KotOR, it's not that difficult to close my eyes to the bleh parts and enjoy the rest, especially once the first couple of conversations are past. Again, all Carth needed was a more conscientious writer at the wheel.

I'd be really interested in hearing other people's takes, both on how they interacted with either of those romances or where their interpretations differed from mine. I only have my own perspective and that of a few people I've talked to over the years, and I'm given to understand this is something of a fandom hot topic!

[cleolinda]

Varney the Vampire: Chapter 11

Chapter 10: A wild Charles Holland appears!

A brief unexpected hiatus there for a week or so. Onward!

If you're just joining us, an ancestral vampyre has been victimizing fair maiden Flora Bannerworth, and it is the worst thing that has ever happened to her brothers Henry and George. Truly, nothing could be worse than having a sister bitten by a vampyre; let us mope upon it in the family crypt with some friends. The friends have matches. Meanwhile, Flora just shot the motherfucker.

CHAPTER XI.

THE COMMUNICATION TO THE LOVER. -- THE HEART'S DESPAIR.

As I've said, you can summarize Varney the Vampire very concisely if you really want to. In this chapter, Henry takes Flora's newly-returned kinda-fiancé aside and explains him a thing. Less concisely: That thing is a vampyre, one Ancestor von Spookyportrait, who keeps preying on Flora and repeatedly getting his hapless ass shot for it. But what you have to understand is, there is not a goddamn thing about Varney the Vampire that is concise. I would even argue that the spirit of verbosity—the baroque grammatical vibe, if you will—is more the point of this godforsaken thing than the actual plot is.

Consternation is sympathetic, and any one who had looked upon the features of Charles Holland, now that he was seated with Henry Bannerworth, in expectation of a communication which his fears told him was to blast all the dearest and most fondly cherished hopes for ever, would scarcely have recognised in him the same young man who, one short hour before, had knocked so loudly, and so full of joyful hope and expectation, at the door of the hall.

I myself am long-winded. Game recognizes game.

It would be one thing, Charles Holland thinks to himself, if Flora were just a trifling-ass strumpet. At least then he could get mad about it, his pride would shield him—but no, he is convinced that his angelic maiden fair back there is trying to protect him from something. As he should be, because it's not like it was hard to tell or anything.

Happier would it at that time have been to Charles Holland had she acted capriciously towards him, and convinced him that his true heart's devotion had been cast at the feet of one unworthy of so really noble a gift.

James Malcolm Rymer really builds up what a sterling hero—verily, a textbook cinnamon roll—Charles Holland is. At first you might think Charles Holland is his cherished self-insert, or maybe Rymer is even a little in love with him, as perhaps all writers should be with our own characters. But if I remember correctly, there's a more interesting reason he does this. But I get ahead of myself (my favorite thing to do).

But now he was to hear all. Henry had promised to tell him, and as he looked into his pale, but handsomely intellectual face, he half dreaded the disclosure he yet panted to hear.

Okay, “panting,” Rymer, don't be weird about it. Also, please use some names in this paragraph; I am pretty sure that Charles Holland is the Pale But Handsome one, which renders this "he" salad nonsensical.

Charles Holland begs to be told the truth! Henry avers that he will tell it, no matter how dubious or strange! Speak truly, Charles Holland, did you indeed hear Flora breaking up with you two pages ago? Why, yes, of course I did, Henry, I did! Then you will be shocked my sister broke up with you! Forsooth, I am! You know who actually wrote this? I've figured it out—energy vampire Colin Robinson.

Because just the act of describing this is sucking my will to live, and I'm not even sure why. Like, it's fine? It's not terribly onerous to read? It's just... so... it feels so much like long covid fatigue, I can't even tell you. NO! We can do this!

"She was right. She is a noble-hearted girl for uttering those words. A dreadful incident in our family has occurred, which might well induce you to pause before uniting your fate with that of any member of it."

Hold onto that "don't unite your fate with ours" thought, because it's an ugly one and we'll get to it. Right now, Charles Holland declares that nothing can ever change his feelings for Flora, ain't no mountain high enough, so on and so forth. What change of fortune could have occurred for Henry to think so?

"I will tell you, Holland. In all your travels, and in all your reading, did you ever come across anything about vampyres?"

Ah, shit, here we go.

"You may well doubt the evidence of your own ears, Charles Holland, and wish me to repeat what I said several more times. I say, do you know anything about vampyres?"

They go back and forth a while about the shocking fact of believing such a shocking fact, but finally, Henry has processed his circumstances: he, Henry von Spookyportrait Beaumont Bannerworth III, is experiencing the worst thing humanity has ever endured:

"Listen to me, and do not interrupt me. You shall know all, and you shall know it circumstantially." Henry then related to the astonished Charles Holland all that had occurred, from the first alarm of Flora, up to that period when he, Holland, caught her in his arms as she was about to leave the room.

I am fucking shocked that Rymer did not have Henry recap this at actual length. "And approximately four to five people also saw all of this!" And Rymer does not have all of those people file in and give sworn testimony in real time. Like, that's surely an entire mortgage payment he just passed up, or else he got into a fistfight with his publisher and lost.

"You bewilder me, utterly," said Charles Holland. "As we are all bewildered." "But -- but, gracious Heaven! it cannot be." "It is." "No -- no. There is -- there must be yet some dreadful mistake."

"No, no! By Heaven, no!" "Yes, Charles. Reflect upon the consequences now of a union with such a family."

Wait, Henry, what the fuck do you mean by that?

"That one who has been visited by a vampyre, and whose blood has formed a horrible repast for such a being, becomes, after death, one of the dreadful race, and visits others in the same way."

Two points:

What are the Vampire Rules in Varney the Vampire? We now know that it only takes (one?) bite to infect someone with vampirism—no exchange of vampire blood is needed. Allegedly. Rymer will probably forget about this.

"Dreadful race" is a real interesting word to use about something that is supernaturally contagious rather than hereditary. On the other hand, Rymer's been implying that Varney is Flora's ancestor, hasn't he? The shame of vampirism is in both her bloodline and, now, her actual blood.

At the same time, here comes the ugly thought to unpack. [Content note: mental health ableism, undescribed self harm and suicide in fiction, racism. If you'd like to skip this very long section, scroll down/search for "Charles Holland is a man of action."]

For decades if not centuries (and, I would argue, still today as well), there have been persistent ideas that mental health issues 1) inevitably led to violence and chaos; 2) were inevitably hereditary; and 3) weren't exclusive to "impure" bloodlines, but, short version: "savagery," colonialism, racism. And all this coalesces into the idea of the Family Stain. In a book like Jane Eyre, published the same year as the collected Varney, Charlotte Brontë evokes a family who "tricks" Rochester into marrying a woman coded as biracial who has apparently inherited a family mental illness. In this character, Charlotte Brontë chooses to identify insanity with violence (and, implicitly, with race), to the point that imprisoning Bertha in an attic is presented as "merciful." And honestly, given the state of mental healthcare up through the 20th century, given the real-life prevalence of this identification, it probably was. This is the cultural foundation beneath Henry's warning of "the consequences of such a union."

But let's delve deeper into the word "consequences." There's also a Louisa May Alcott serial from her "blood and thunder" days called "A Nurse's Story" (1865), and while it was published twenty years after Varney the Vampire, it makes those assumed consequences explicit: point #2 above, the inevitable "curse" of mental illness spreading to a patient's children. (I want to stop here and tell you that I'm bipolar. Medicated, very stable, not cursed. I've been very open about this for many years. I want you to read this paragraph knowing that I personally know that what follows is bullshit.) The story's narrator, Kate Snow, is hired to be the caretaker for a young woman who has started to present symptoms of the Family Stain, hereditary insanity, and has begun to self-harm as a result. By the end of the story, Elinor has actually died by suicide; I won't even go into the details because the story (dangerously) portrays her death as a tragic but noble act.

Elinor also has two older brothers who have sworn to die single (one has become a priest; the other is self-medicating with unspecified substance abuse, probably alcohol), so that they don't pass the family illness to any children. Unfortunately, there is a fourth sibling, Amy, who is determined to keep the secret and marry. (She dies within two years of her wedding, reports the epilogue.) Even better, there's a second family stain—the siblings are all actually illegitimate, because their father has a living first wife that he abandoned! And his son from that marriage, when not busy blackmailing the family, falling in love with Kate, and twirling his mustache, will also develop the hereditary insanity!

I'll be real with you, I actually love this story. It's got the psychological screw-turns that make a lot of Alcott's Very Problematic guilty pleasure stories so engaging, and (aside from the ableist premise rotting there at the core), the characters are portrayed with compassion. Kate stays with the family, villainous legitimate son included, as a loyal friend; the initial setup with Elinor was apparently based on Alcott's own experiences as a nurse/companion, and she has a great deal more sympathy for her characters than a lot of gothic-leaning writers. What "A Nurse's Story" illustrates for us, though, is how concretely mental illness was viewed as a family stain on the level of an original sin, something no one will ever escape, that will make even the kindest people erupt in violence, and something that must be prevented from propagating at all costs.

Like I said, though: I'm bipolar. I of all people know that these tropes are bullshit, and dangerous bullshit at that. I still love this story. Jane Eyre is one of my favorite books. We contain multitudes; we just also have to critique those multitudes. That's why I'm here writing thousands of words about this absurd vampire serial in the first place.

Now: let's take those ideas and jump back over to Varney:

"There may be insanity in this family," thought Charles, with such an exquisite pang of misery that he groaned aloud.

There may be insanity in this family, thought the potential father of Flora's children.

"Already," added Henry, mournfully, "already the blighting influence of the dreadful tale is upon you, Charles. Oh, let me add my advice to Flora's entreaties. She loves you, and we all esteem you; fly, then, from us, and leave us to encounter our miseries alone. Fly from us, Charles Holland, and take with you our best wishes for happiness which you cannot know here." "Never," cried Charles; "I devote my existence to Flora. I will not play the coward, and fly from one whom I love, on such grounds. I devote my life to her."

You're probably wondering why I brought racism up as well, ten million words ago. Well, because I think Rymer has given us visual cues as to why the noble Charles Holland is right to remain loyal to Flora. She's been coded as immune to any kind of metaphorical "stain," whether she's covered in blood or not. Look back at the very first chapter:

Now she moves, and one shoulder is entirely visible -- whiter, fairer than the spotless clothing of the bed on which she lies, is the smooth skin of that fair creature

Rymer intends us to understand Flora is intrinsically worthy of her fiancé's devotion: she is as white as the spotless bedlinen that she's being fetishized on. And I wish this were only a visual metaphor using the color spectrum of electromagnetic light, but I think we all know that the Victorians were racist as fuck. Readers of 1847 would have understood, consciously or not, the assurance of Flora's "fairness" that way. She's whiter than white; she might die nobly, but Charles Holland won't have to stuff her in the attic.

What I want to critique in this serial, to separate out, is to what extent Flora is presented as a heroine because of her whiteness, and to what extent that comes from her actions, such as shooting a vampire while everyone else is moping around a crypt. I think it could be incredibly useful to identify this, especially if you yourself are a writer, and infinitely more so if you are (like me) a white writer, to study what kind of bullshit you want to avoid in your work. (For that matter, ableism is another form of bullshit to to examine and avoid.) I'm going to be honest with you, writing about Twilight taught me more about characterization than any of the dozen writing classes I ever took, because I sat down on Livejournal and observed every single thing that I thought made Bella Swan annoying as hell, or Edward Cullen creepy as fuck (what I should have observed more: the werewolf "lore" being destructively racist), and I made mental notes: Do the Opposite of That. Now that I've found myself here in the middle of these tropes, that's what we're going to do. And if anyone ever adapts this for television, I would recommend that they cast Flora as a different race, but with the exact same "gentle maiden" personality, and portray a purity and sweetness that have nothing to do with skin color, no matter what Hunger Games fans thought.

But back to the story. Charles Holland is a man of action. Charles Holland has plans.

"Look you here, Henry: until I am convinced that some things have happened which it is totally impossible could happen by any human means whatever, I will not ascribe them to supernatural influence." "But what human means, Charles, could produce what I have now narrated to you?" "I do not know, just at present, but I will give the subject the most attentive consideration. Will you accommodate me here for a time?"

-- He is going to converse with Flora upon the subject

-- He will say nothing to add to her fears thereunto

-- He will touch base re: a paradigm shift with Henry's brother George, Mr. Marchdale, and Mr. Dr. Chillingworth to move the needle on some core competencies

-- He will tell Henry to buck up, until yea, Henry does rejoice in his command of executive function

And Charles Holland is able to do all this because Henry unwittingly Said A Thing: if there's "such a weight of evidence in favour of a belief in the existence of vampyres" that they are compelled to believe in their local ancestral vampyre, CHILLINGWORTH—then that means they can catch it. "It consists," not to put too fine a point on it, "of a revivified corpse," and in that case, Charles Holland would like a motherfucker to try it:

"By Heaven! if ever I catch a glimpse of any such thing, it shall drag me to its home, be that where it may, or I will make it prisoner."

FROM THE DESK OF CHARLES HOLLAND - ACTIONABLE ITEMS

-- The squad will take turns watching over Flora

-- All intrepid protectors will be ready to defend her, potentially with swords and/or crowbars

-- They will have the means of alerting the entire household to any unregulated vampyring

-- There will be a healthy and well-balanced schedule to make sure no one is overly deprived of sleep

-- He's gonna have a roster and everything

-- Forsooth, where is the coffee pot

Meanwhile, Henry's like, oh thank God, someone who knows what he's doing. When Charles Holland says he wants to sleep in the Vampyre Room, in hopes that maybe Sir Ancestor actually will drop by again, Henry is more than happy to show him right in.

I don't think Rymer meant this to sound as creepy as it does, but blowing up the word count by iterating over and over that Charles Holland wants to sleep in Flora's room, exactly the way she left it, with nothing removed, for reasons of his own, results in an unintended (unless...?) ick factor. Spoiler: The reason ends up being, to look at the Von Spookyportrait likeness. That's all. Probably.

In theory, Varney recaps go up on Fridays. I'd like to have the next one up before Dracula Daily kicks off again on May 5th. Send thoughts and vamprayers to me.

Varney the Vampire masterpost

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

digging up bones

I guess if I'm up and already in a bad mood about it

might as well go through some of the thoughts

I was thinking about unearthing later on today

maybe it'll exhaust me and I can go back to sleep

my mood can't get worse and there is no dopamine

anywhere to be found because I've exhausted all sources

let's talk about why I don't want to get a therapist

by collecting quotes from experiences from the past

I had one who decided to laugh in my face about

my love for Jung and my thinking I was autistic

his ego couldn't handle my knowing shit about myself

and other things he couldn't quite grasp

once during a conversation about my childhood sexual abuse

he actually said to me with no sense of his depravity

"no wonder they couldn't resist you"

what the actual fuck my dude I was a child

he stopped seeing me when I turned the tables on him

and got him to confess all the things he used to do

when he was a dangerous guy just like his father

by mimicking his behavior and following his patterns

kind of seems like that pattern recognition and masking

should have rang a few bells but he didn't want to believe it

he told me my feminine energy was weaker than his male energy

but he sterilized himself like a gelding because he feared

bringing another kid into the world that felt

as fucked up as he did every day

I guess I'm still kind of mad at him

I think he might have been one of the first people I trusted

with all those dirty little secrets I was forced to hold since I was born

I didn't plan to become the therapist and hear his story

I was just following the rhythm of the conversation

but once he lost the power he felt he didn't want to look me

again in the eyes and it was confusing

because nothing he said was even that bad

my most recent therapy experience was marriage counseling

I knew that was going to be a fucking joke

and I was so used to being silenced by the man in the room

that I exploded out in a monologue of trauma dumping

desperate to be seen as someone who was tough and dealt with shit

far worse than the lanky bastard sitting next to me

who wouldn't let me have emotions without trying

to smother me under every avoidant wall of stone

ugh, I do not want to be awake and I'm so angry

and not even fun arson angry just petulant and mean

I did end that therapy experience with a three page letter

I wrote about all the reasons I was completely

over my doomed marriage and the man involved in it

and all the reasons he wasn't shit

but written eloquently and logically

because I'd had plenty of time to prepare

It was fun having an audience and his surprised pikachu face

will always be one that I remember fondly

fuck you asshole you know what you've been doing

the female therapist I went to the year before

to tell about the patterns of abusive behavior I'd documented

and the reasons I had for needing to leave the dysfunction

was met by a woman the age of my mother

who must have saw a silly daughter making a mistake

because she asked if psychological abuse was his only sin

and told me successful men were hard to find

I had fun the rest of the sessions talking about how

out of all the religious texts I read the bible was the most dry

and boring and I just wish I could get into it

and all the crosses and scriptures she had around her office

and the way her face pinched when I said those things

really made it difficult for us to synch up after that

to be fair I was always willing to make it work

I did have one therapist that was the best

her name was Elise and it scares me to think of calling her

I wonder if it's because of the unpaid account

or the fear of rejection or knowing I get to tell her

how everything went to shit after I came into her office

with my youngest as a baby and a glowing happiness

to my presence because I thought I finally

found something that I ended up losing as time went on

well, saying that I lost it is not very accurate

you don't lose someone's respect

they decide to stop giving it to you

and I have a difficult time tolerating that in relationships

I will blind myself for awhile but there does come a point

where something clicks and suddenly I'm on fire

because I'll be damned and choose damnation

before I let a little bitch boy like that make me die

it would be so fucking easy to make him cry

well, this little think piece shows I definitely need a therapist

and I guess getting those shitty thoughts out is one less thing

I have to muddle through tomorrow to find motivation

I'll call Elise and see if I have problems to solve

to get to go back and see her

she saw me and knew me right away

and she helped me get through a situation

that I'm going to have to walk through again

and she was great at it last time

fuuuuuuck this all sucks and I hate it

custody battles and shitty apartments and lawyers

building another new life and climbing out of another grave

it could be worse

I could be as scared as I was last time when I did it

I'm not scared I just know it's going to suck

Elise was the first one to coin the term "the Dani filter"

to describe the way I mask in my bubbly upbeat way

I wonder what she'll think of me now if we get to meet again

I think she'll appreciate my darker wit and my cynical smile

she knew how my mind worked right away

and said that I changed her mind completely

about behavior theory because I guess

when I decide to do or become something

and actually commit to it I surprised her with how

I can change my behavior and patterns on a dime

and never go back to them

you wouldn't know anything about that, would you?

alright now I feel like I did something

so my mood is less angsty and I have a move to make

still not tired but maybe that'll come soon

call Elise tomorrow and if that doesn't pan out

it's back to the drawing board

but I'll find someone and it'll be fine

and if it's not I'll find someone else

I am getting the fuck out of this stagnant energy

otherwise I'm going to start getting destructive

and that helps nobody

especially not me

[watchingblsnowandforever]

Hello.

Listen, I'm still not over ep 11 yet. AND THEN THEY GIVE ME THIS I- *muffled screaming*

Anyways, welcome to my crack posts. =D

Warning: long post 😊😅 (I somehow took even more screenshots than last time 😭)

I knew something like this would happen hehe

Also-

Don't lie, Peem, he'd already won your heart the moment he said "Na, krab" with those puppy eyes

I love how despite thinking they're enemies up till this point, Tan immediately jumps on the ship the moment he learns it exists.

Fang: cute. <3

Q: cutee. <33

Shy babygirl Peem has my whole heart 🥺🫶🏼

Yeah? Anyone specific you want to draw a portrait of, Peem? Someone from Engineering, maybe? Someone who confessed to you in front of all your combined friends just last night? No? 👀

This smile. This goddamn smile. I get you, Peem, I totally get you.

Q peeking in small into the bag is so accurate 😭

As I'd said in my previous post: "Right in front of my salad?!" and "Something very LGBT just happened to me o.o"

NOSE BOOP

I love nose boops hehe

[Phum: I have to go to class.]

You actually go to class?! *pikachu meme face*

Q's face perfectly expresses my feeling, and I'm definitely saving these as meme pics

Peem's plan to be hit on backfired so fast so hard 😭

Poor boy went into shock 😭

Peem is never hearing the end of this from Q. Never.

I love their friendship though. Besties forever. <3

Toey looks so excited here 😭🫶🏼

He's definitely over the moon that his two beloved hias finally realized they like each other (and of course he manifested this wdyem)

Throwing stones from inside a glass house, huh Q?

You're just as bad as, if not worse than Peem.

*shaking my head fondly* these boys are so whipped for their baes

This ep gave me a lot of meme pic ehehe

Why so surprised, Peem? You were the one telling Phum to flirt on you, why so shy now huh?

Oh, Aunt Pui knows. She's just trying to help her nephew get a nice boyfriend hehe

Also- learning the family business early on? Nice move, Phum.

I'm pretty sure Aunt Pui will accept Phum as family the very instant they start dating.

Actually- she probably already has.

What will you be tying next? The knot?? (I am so so happy I can make that joke and actually mean it now.)

Oh, and I love love love their dynamics. I'm always looking for verse because I don't like active power dynamics, but this show really delivered on it. There's always a push and pull, but throughout, they're equals. Yes, even through that slave era (remember how exactly Peem came to be his slave?). It did start off with a slight imbalance, but it evened out pretty fast (because Phum is incapable of not being the cutest clingy little puppy for more than ten minutes and Peem is weak for it).

PhumPeem/PeemPhum is giving me so much that I'd thought I'd almost never get from BLs (there are a few other examples, I think, but this is probably my topmost).

I don't know if y'all have noticed, but Phum is deliberately soft and is often using polite pronouns for the last two episodes.

It's just... they're so pretty 😭

This scene is just >>>

He-

HE LEARNED LATTE ART JUST TO USE THIS LINE WITH PEEM I'M DYING OH GODS

Phum is 200% committed. Other upcoming BL romantic interests, please take notes.

Jokes aside, what started out as a potential red flag (even two years ago, this relationship would have been very very different) turned into the greenest flag (with a side of childhood trauma).

Did he just-

He almost confessed!!! So close!!

Also- please give me them as boyfriends already, I'm on my hands and knees. But can you imagine what they'll be like when they actually start dating...?

...

I CAN'T WAIT. GIMME NOW. *grabby hands*

This scene made me speechless. Ep 12 was full of beautiful, absolutely stunning scenes, but this was what took my breath - his cute smile that lights up his whole face, his "Pai, krab" and the sheer relief when Peem asks him if he wants to go.

For a moment there, he thought Peem would leave, just like all the people in his life. He knows it wouldn't be permanent, but it's hard to get rid of such an old, deep-rooted fear.

But Peem, unknowingly, immediately waves it away by asking him if he wanted to come with. The only thing is... I don't think it was that unknowing.

I'll end part 1 on this note. Part 2 will be posted soon!

If you've reached this far, thank you so much for reading! 😊

Here, have a doughnut 🍩

And here are my previous We Are posts.

[alheria]

Fresh wind on a hot day (2/9)

Jim woke up terribly sore, a bit too warm and oh, so pleased. It was officially the best sexual encounter he's ever had and for the first time in the history of his one-night stands, he didn't feel the urge to sneak out before the other person woke up to avoid the irrational embarrassment, cringy small talk and awkward goodbyes. Instead, Street grabbed Buck's wrist and pulled it further to tighten the loose hold around his naked waist, a small smile rose on his plastered to the firefighter's chest face when the man shifted to press him closer.

-Good morning. -he hummed rubbing Jim's arm, still half asleep, not ready to open the eyes and acknowledge the harsh reality of being awake. Such a nice feeling it was, however, to not wake up alone for a change, to experience the comforting weight of another body, to be held. Buck couldn't remember the last time he actually slept with someone. He could surely get used to it.

-Good indeed. -murmured the officer, tilting his head up to nuzzle the dozing off man's horribly bruised neck. -I hope I am not overstaying my welcome.

The Alpha huffed softly, wondering what made Jim as much as think he's creating some kind of inconvenience. He kissed the top of the Omega's hair and whispered:

-Of course not.

They stayed in bed for what felt like hours, but was merely twenty minutes, not talking at all, just cuddling and enjoying each-other's presence. Street could not stress enough how amazing it was, listening to a quiet heartbeat and shallow breaths while his back got fondly stroked, surrounded by a pleasant warmth and a thick mist of the most relaxing smell. He wondered if being so comfortable in a literal stranger's presence was just a part of his nature that he never previously explored, too afraid of losing his precious, masculine personality.

-I should go. -he said, not moving an inch though, his body refusing to leave the tender embrace.

-Only if by "go" you mean to shower and then downstairs for coffee. -Buck yawned, untangling himself from his lover to relieve the stiffened limbs.

-Are you trying to coerce me into staying longer? -laughed the cop as he sat up right, glancing at that beautiful, muscular, completely naked man stretching like a cat, basking in bright rays of the morning sun. Should be illegal to look so damn hot at such an early hour.

-Maybe. -smiled the firefighter, opening his sleepy blue eyes that instantly went wide. -Oh God, Jim, what happened here? -he demanded, suddenly fully awake, firmly grabbing Street's wrist. The entire external side of his upper arm was a one massive, red and purple bruise that actually seemed worse than it felt.

-I...might have hit it yesterday. -sighed the cop, lightly poking the sore flesh. -It's nothing, really. -assured, seeing how concerned Buck's gaze was.

-Hiding injuries, huh? -the Alpha shook his head disapprovingly as he got up. He couldn't judge tho, himself being a very reckless person who often ignored damage to their own body. It did, however, make his heart feel oddly heavy, the sight of Jim's ugly injury. -I guess firefighters and police officers are quite alike after all. -he joked, fetching a clean towel from the wardrobe.

Street quickly closed the short distance between them, wrapped his arm around the surprised man's waist, pressing their shirtless chests together.

-Don't you ever say such profanity out loud again. -he barked, with the free hand painfully squeezing the prominent bite on Buck's shoulder. This must have been the source of blood in his mouth last night. -Shower together? -proposed, making the firefighter's eyes darken and his dick twitch. Not waiting for a clear answer, he clashed their lips in a greedy kiss and, minding the ankle contusion, let himself be slowly guided towards the bathroom.

The warm water felt incredible on the sticky with old sweat bodies as their tongues danced, hands lazily roamed the muscular backs, Jim's partially pressed to the cold tiles. He pushed his hips forward, giving the younger man a clear signal that his already fully erect penis requires attention.

-You're pretty fucking big for an Omega. -Buck observed, tightly wrapping his large palm around both hard shafts. A deep groan escaped him when he began to stroke them painfully slowly, forcing beautiful sounds out of his aroused lover.

-And you're pretty fucking obedient for an Alpha. -Jim responded, shamelessly sucking onto the exposed neck, suggestively groping that perfect, muscular ass as he further bruised the sensitive flesh. -If you allow me, I'll fuck you one day, I'm pretty good at it. -added, pulling away to look into the foggy, blue eyes.

-Let me be the judge. -snorted the firefighter, reaching for a small bottle standing on the nearby shelf. -Do it. -he ordered, shoving the container into the cop's hand. The confused older man glanced at the mysterious object. It was lube.

Fuck. Yeah.

Shaking with excitement, he quickly opened the bottle and generously coated his fingers. Waiting for them to move towards his needy hole, Buck rested his forehead on Jim's shoulder while still jerking them off. He didn't bottom often and never for an Omega before, but Street's huge dick looked like it would feel heavenly inside him. And that confident attitude? So fucking hot.

The officer swiftly lined up his fingers with the opening and, accompanied by quiet moans, pushed one inside. Buck shivered violently at the intrusion, which nearly costed Jim his sanity, being already brutally overwhelmed by the fact he's finally found a rare male Alpha open to taking dick. It didn't take long for a second finger to fit, the younger man must have been no stranger to anal, nicely stretching around the digits, slowly stroking the aroused cocks he blissfully relaxed in his lover's embrace, who peppered his bitten shoulder with tender kisses.

-We don't have a condom. -sighed Jim, nudging Buck's neck. They really should've gotten one before going to fuck in the shower.

-Ugh...behind the mirror. -whined the firefighter, reluctantly letting go of their joined shafts and moving aside, so the other man can reach the shelf. Street swiftly dealt with the issue, a few seconds later was already standing behind his lover, rubbing the twitching hole with more lube, simultaneously spreading the liquid on his covered penis.

-You good? -asked, caressing the muscular back as he lined himself up. Buck only nodded, barely audible please escaped his wet lips soon parted by a loud groan when the cop suddenly pushed into him, the wide cock effortlessly spread the entrance and easily disappeared in the contracting insides.

It felt so powerful, railing a strong Alpha moaning beautifully like a fucking Omega with each rough thrust, his hips trembling under the tight grip, leaning on the wall in fear the wobbly legs decide to give out. Jim absolutely loved being in control, even though his genetic makeup didn't necessarily agree. Clouded by raw ecstasy, he enjoyed every second of pounding that burning, chiseled body shaking like a fragile leaf. Impossibly turned on, the officer grabbed Buck's neglected penis and began to jerk it, speeding his moves to bring his lover to the edge. At that point, the firefighter's mind was blank, all he could sense was the lukewarm water hitting his skin and jolts of pleasure sparkling from his prostate being constantly grazed by Street's fat dick.

-Come for me, Alpha. -Jim demanded, feeling his orgasm quickly approach. The younger man mumbled something incoherent before he spasmed violently, cumming all over the wall as the Omega buried himself deep inside, twitching from the force of his own release. Still coming inside, he leaned over heavily panting Buck, wrapped an arm around him and just stayed there, laying gentle kisses on his neck, holding them close until they were both ready to part.

---

-Can I ask you something rather personal? -inquired the firefighter, handing Street a cup of fresh coffee as they found themselves downstairs, Jim sat on the couch with an ice pack on the resting on a pillow ankle the two of them somehow forgot was injured before engaging in physically demanding activity, therefore now stung terribly. It was so odd how not awkward at all has their morning been. They woke up, cuddled in bed, had hot shower sex and then simply got dressed while casually talking about their plans for the rest of the week, as if they knew each-other for years, not for literally twenty-four hours. And somehow, none of it felt wrong.

-Shoot. -the cop agreed, watching Buck take a sit next to him, a nervous glow visible in his blue eyes. 

-Why couldn't I smell you the first time we met? -he wondered. -I was able at the bar, but not before.

-Oh, that. -chuckled the officer, averting his gaze towards the dark, steaming liquid. He didn't mind clarifying, however, it was still a sensitive subject he preferred to avoid if possible. -Um...whenever an Omega joins police force, military or whatever "Alpha typical" field, they are offered temporary scent suppressants. I always take them before work, that's why you didn't smell me. The effect washed out during the day and eventually the scent came back, as you can clearly tell by now. -he explained, tightening the hold around the mug, painful burning easily muted the unwanted feelings flooding his chest. It always made him emotional, thinking about how hiding his true self is, and forever will be, an essential part of his life. -It's not mandatory, taking those meds, but you know...makes our lives easier when people think we are Betas.

Which was something he learned the hard way back in the academy as the only Omega in his class. The harsh words from his peers were somewhat easy to swallow, being well-used to hateful comments since the very day he presented, although what they did to him on a one random, gloomy Monday broke something inside him, made his mind despise with passion the fact he was not born "normal" or "better". Made him wanna disappear.

-I like the way you smell. -Buck whispered as he moved closer, reassuringly squeezed Jim's tense thigh, sending a pleasant, calming vibrations down his spine, because that's how being comforted by an Alpha often felt. He got that knowledge from his close friendship with Luca. -Like fresh wind on a sunny morning. 

-I smell like...fresh wind on a sunny morning? -Street frowned, shooting the firefighter a puzzled look. It was perhaps the first time someone described his scent, although he would have never expected it to be such a nice fragrance. -You missed your calling as a poet, Buck? -he snorted, causing the other man to laugh in a really fucking adorable manner, like if he was high on joy or something. It made Jim desire to make that guy even happier.

-Hot summer afternoon. -he said after taking a good minute to think about it. -You smell like hot summer afternoon.

And oh, Buck's face just lit up, a wide smile rose on his glowing face as he looked at the officer with pure admiration. He set his drink on the table, did the same with Street's mug, who didn't protest, slightly confused and fairly curious about what was happening. The Alpha then kneeled over the stretched legs, firmly cupped the cop's cheeks, and with utter seriousness in his voice asked:

-Did you just call me hot?

-No?! -Jim giggled, absolutely caught off guard by the ridiculous question, laughing further as Buck smooched his face while the large hands travelled down, easily slipped under the borrowed shirt and started exploring the naked flesh.

-Oh, I am pretty sure you did. -he hummed, pulling the material over Street's head, already gazing at him like he was a fucking snack. -Third time's a charm, isn't that right, you shameless flirt?

Jim didn't even bother to answer that.

---

Fourteen hours. Fourteen hours they spent together, and it was fucking mental, because who does willingly spend that much time in a stranger's house? The craziest part was, after all this time, Street didn't event want to leave, he was truly enjoying himself in Buck's relaxing presence. And sex was great too.

Once he found his phone long forgotten under the bed, and realized how many calls and texts he missed, the firefighter drove him back to Luca's, where the cop has been crashing for a while now. It was fairly unheard of, an Omega being platonic roommates with an Alpha, but they just...clicked, treated each-other as brothers from the day one. There was never any romantic chemistry between them, and the older man was actually openly aromantic, so they happily coexisted in their shared household without any weird emotions involved.

The ride was quiet, not really awkward, but some odd tension clearly lingered in the air, growing in strength the closer to the destination they were.

-Can I ask you out on a proper date whenever we're both free? -asked nervously Buck after he helped Jim get out of the car, firmly holding his smaller hand, the other entangled in the brown hair behind the ear, thumb gently caressing the soft jaw. Street's chest was so tight, he could barely breathe, oddly anxious about them parting ways, but at the same time overjoyed by the offer.

-I mean, you can surely try. -he teased, reaching for the back of the younger man's neck, pulling him down to press a feather-light kiss on his blushing cheek. -It was a pleasure to meet you, Buck. See ya. -he whispered, and without further ado, carefully watched by the firefighter, limped towards the building and quickly disappeared behind the door. 

Where some intense meeting seemed to be in progress.

-Hi there, Jim. We were just about to call the police, nice timing. -informed Chris, intense fire raging in her dark eyes. She and Luca were sitting in the living room, casually drinking beer at 10AM on a Wednesday. -Details please.

Details, huh?

-No idea what you're talkin' 'bout. -he mumbled despite being covered in bruises, fucking glowing, and wearing a too large shirt that was clearly not his.

-Street. Don't make it harder than it needs to be. -chuckled Luca, patting the empty spot next to him where the officer obediently sat, accompanied by a deep sigh. What was he supposed to say? That he had possibly met the most incredible guy out there and kinda wants to have a relationship with him, or that he had the best sex of his life and somehow managed to fuck an Alpha? He would never hear the end of it.

-He's amazing. -concluded, throwing his head onto the backrest to not look anyone in the eyes. -Really fucking amazing.

-Fuck me, are you blushing Street?! -exclaimed Chris, not believing in what she's seeing. 

-Fuck off, I am not! -he laughed, covering the flushed face with his hands. It was so embarrassing. As a grown man, a fucking SWAT member, he should not be blushing over some cute guy he had a hot one-night-stand with, maybe a date if the firefighter reaches out. Maybe.

-You totally are! -she gasped, suddenly getting up from the armchair to sit by her friend. -Are you gonna see him again? -Chris grinned, wrapping her arm around Jim's, itching all over from curiosity, the need to know everything fueled by the questionable state of his neck. He was always very protective about it, would never allow just anyone to touch it, let alone bite it. There must have been something really special about that Alpha dude, and she was not going to leave without finding out what exactly.

Street only smiled, feeling longing pleasantly squeeze his racing heart.

-God, I hope so.

---

After the interrogation finally ended and satisfied with answers Chris went home, Jim found himself lying in his bed, exhausted by the lengthy conversation and the unexpected flood of various feelings that reappeared after staying dormant for many, many years.

It was scary, terrifying even how a seemingly innocent encounter so heavily influenced his whole mindset. Made him re-evaluate his needs and rethink the personal goals that were solely career-oriented for as long as he could remember. It was always about joining SWAT, proving he is capable enough to become a respectable officer regardless of being in physical disadvantage. And he absolutely managed to do just that. 

So what now?

Street was never particularly interested in the concept of dating, not mentioning starting a family. From time to time, he would hook up with some unsuspecting male Betas, but avoided seeing them more than once due to this internal repulsion he had. His brain subconsciously kept blocking the ability to develop romantic feelings towards anyone who was not an Alpha. What was very problematic, because Jim avoided them religiously. Just an idea of being "domesticated" made him wanna throw up, and finding someone who would admire or even tolerate his dominant side and athletic physique without developing an urge to change him seemed impossible. So it was better to not try. Disappointment is a bitch.

Which kind of brings up a question of why the hell did he hit on Buck in the first place, knowing well in advance he was an Alpha?

By all means, Street did not listen to his Omega instincts like ever, but for some unknown reason he couldn't stop himself. Every cell in his body wanted to chase after that beautiful firefighter who saved his ass. And now, didn't want to let go of him.

No man before made Jim feel this way, conflicted, vulnerable, greedy. Buck is just so fucking perfect for him, there surely must be something horribly wrong with this guy, hiding underneath that pristine facade. A shockingly dark secret that would ruin the image of a friendly, bright, respectable Alpha the second it spilled. But to Street, it didn't matter. He was not flawless himself, barely containing his own horrible truth stuffed deep inside. Perhaps the two of them were actually destined to meet, the world finally realized how much he struggles and decided to put someone compatible on his bumpy path, give him a chance to at last fall in love. Have a happy ending. What seemed unreal because Jim seriously thought he cannot possibly be loved.

And then he got an unexpected text message. 

And realized he might be completely wrong.

[thermaflute]

Forever Together

a/n: Ahhhhhhh this is my first collab with the BNHA POCuties and I hope I did alright. Fun fact about me: I’ve never actually been to a wedding so I was a bit all over trying to figure this out. Despite all the rewriting I did on this I still had a ton of fun on it and it made me realize I need to write more fluff. Please give my buddies works a read here, everyone worked super hard on this collab!

Synopsis: It wasn’t easy for either of you to admit that love wasn’t an awful emotion, it was even harder to confess that maybe you felt love for each other. The real challenge however, was getting the two of you to say the two simple words that would bind your complicated selves forever.

Word Count: 3.1k

Your hands jittered against your dress, tears threatening to form behind your eyes. The mirror in front of you revealed absolute decadence, your dress was a marvelous white, lace trimmings all around. Your usual hairstyle now in its natural state, you looked gorgeous. But your insides churned with intimidation. It was going to be a small wedding, yet you felt as if there were a sea of people out there, waiting to see you. You feared they’d be able to tell that you were scared. 

You two had started talking about marriage a long time ago. Well, rather how you detested it. You two were friends in high school, you were in general studies, and he was in the hero course. He often came to you about his problems because he needed a perspective from someone out of the hero loop. He was a bit aloof but you never seemed to mind, and you two surprisingly connected well into your second year. That day’s conversation started over some left over cake from a group project you had, you mentioned your preferred cake, he mentioned his. You stated that if it were up to you your wedding cake would be f/c, if marriage was your thing at all. He agreed with you, and you both confided that you thought love was a joke that led nowhere. Love was a finicky pursuit that would inevitably end in disappointment and heartbreak.

That disappointment never came. Neither of you were proud to admit it, but the two of you started to feel...things...for each other. It wasn’t immediate, it was slow and gradual. You went to college, he joined the Hero workforce, and neither of you stopped caring for each other. He made time to visit your dorm, and when you could, you would bring him lunch at his office. He always made room for you, and you always made room for him. That’s just what friends do.

Except, friendship was a boundary that was quickly dissolving. You found yourself yearning for his presence and days that he couldn’t make it felt so unnatural. His conversations with you would make you smile beyond your face, and you found yourself addicted to hearing his laughter. He was kinda beautiful, oddities and all. You despised the nervous feeling you began to get around him, so you decided to be honest. 

“I mean, where the fuck did he get the idea that I wanted to study with him like? First of all, you worry about you, second, you not finna catch me getting an F for your dumbass like you’re not even cute.” Shoto didn’t respond, he simply stared at you with a small smile, and you quickly realized that you were ranting. “Ah I’m sorry for ranting, how was your day?” 

“You’re fine, I like hearing about your day. However, to answer your question, it was alright. It got better when I saw you though.”

Your eyes quickly glanced at him before looking away and you feigned a joking attitude. “Ha, you do miss me, I thought you forgot about me the second you walked out the door.”

He eyed you, clearly missing the joke, “I could never y/n, I think about you everyday.” There was nothing for a few seconds but the sound of laughter in the hallway and a poorly managed club screaming outside. “I didn’t mean to say it like that.” It came out very harshly.

“Oh you’re fine, I knew what you meant.” You looked away for a minute, the tension getting worse. You had to end this  “I’ve been thinking about it for a while and I may have caught some feelings for you Shoto.” 

He frowned at you and your blanket that was wrapped around him caught on fire. He quickly put it out and glared at you, “You...You make me feel sick y/n.” He left, leaving you with a burnt blanket and a pitiful sadness. For nearly two weeks, he avoided you, making sure to leave you on delivered and telling reception to not allow you up. The truth was, he felt the same, and he knew he made a mistake when he told you that, but he genuinely had no clue how to tell you he was interested in you without it sounding like a curse on your life.

You were unavoidable, the fact you two didn’t accidentally cross paths until the cafe was astounding. So much of your interest and favorite spots combined so it was inevitable that he would run into you again. You saw him sitting alone at the usual table and decided that if he was going to ignore you, he was going to have to give you a proper response first. You sat in front of him, immediately startling him. He quickly grabbed his things and mumbled an apology underneath his breath.  

"Wait! I know how you feel about all that, trust me I'm not happy either but I just wanted to be honest. You’re really important to me, and it’s nearly impossible for me to fall for someone but you made it in. I don’t regret liking you either, because you’re genuinely a good guy but blowing me off for two weeks has me reconsidering if you’re even that. Do you know how long I’ve been crying? God, you didn’t have to insult me now Shoto."

"I didn’t insult you?"

"How else am I supposed to inter-." You thought about who you were dealing with and realized you'd been going about this the wrong way. "Okay, well if you're not insulting me I need you to elaborate on what ‘You make me feel sick’  means."

The stoic man in front of you seemed to look frustrated with you cornering him. But he understood the sudden drop in your friendship with him was upsetting you. "I told you too much. I shared too much of my time with you. You gave me entirely too much of your own, and now I feel ill when I see you. I feel even worse when I don't. You told me that you were interested in romance, and that sickness engulfed me. I-” He seemed as if he was straining to talk to you, he was clearly flushed and you can feel the heat radiating off of him. “I think I have feelings for you as well.”

You two sat at the cafe in silence, both radiating very murky energies. Passerby’s stared at you and the Pro Hero in confusion, both of your boring holes into anything else that wasn’t each other's eyes. You broke the silence first, “Shoto, I don’t mind the feeling. I know we shitted on it for a few years now, but uh, it’s not awful.”

“It’s not,” he responded, still staring painfully somewhere else. The cafe was still busy around you, but for some reason it felt like you two were the only one’s there. It felt like that often with him, even in this weird ass situation you were still comforted by his presence.

“Do you want to go out?” You finally asked him, he was sweating bullets. You two looked like highschoolers, it was honestly embarrassing how difficult that was for the both of you. He gave you a quick sorry and quickly left with all of his stuff. You stared at the empty seat in front of you in half disappointment and half awe. He really just got up and left, again.

You look back on that so fondly now, you two were young adults, unsure about the world and each other. Too scared to label the affection you already gave each other. To think you would be walking the aisle for that man in a few hours was not only ironic, but kind of terrifying. Sure your commitment issues got better, but they weren’t exactly gone. You loved Shoto with your whole being but something about getting married scared you shitless.

You reverted back to the safety of your memories, and quickly checked to see if you still had the screenshots from when you first got together. You remember trying to act cool about it but you immediately called up every friend you had to tell them the news.

You giggled at the messages, feeling the warmth of the past wash over you. You two really blossomed, slowly but surely breaking down boundaries that neither of you even realized was there. Days turned into weeks, weeks to months, and months to years. Your mutual “experiment” with love seemed to be really stable. After a while of being together, of course others began to question what was next.

The light filtered through the blinds of your apartment, your senses slowly came on to the rest of the world, dragging you from a dream that was already fading into obscurity. You feel your body get closer to skin, and you breath in the lovely scent that you’ve come to adore. You felt kisses on your shoulder and a slow sigh from behind you before the sheets became soft again, you were fading back into sleep. 

“Can I talk to you about something?”

Your heart jumped. “Sure.”

“I had something longer prepared for this after a talk with my mother but after laying here with you, I think it would be better if I just said it. I’ve been thinking a lot about marriage lately. I know it’s a large commitment, but I can’t see myself anywhere else with anyone else but you. I love you more than life itself. ” He snuggled closer into you and wrapped you tightly. “You don’t have to answer now, I just wanted to let you know how I felt.”

You rolled around in his arms to look at him, his hair was all over, his eyes were lidded and clearly still exhausted, but he was so sincere.

Your sleepy voice came out as a croak, you extended your hand up to stroke his hair back, revealing his forehead. You scrunch your face up at him and act as if you’re thinking. “I don’t even like you though.” You gave him a slight giggle, and kissed him. “I would love that baby.” You feel some tension leave his body and he smiles at you with glossy eyes. How long was he thinking about this? He leans into you and plants a kiss on your nose and you both fall back asleep, entangled together with thoughts of forever. 

Forever. The word felt so solid when you were with him, like it wasn’t something that could falter or fade. But whenever you thought about it too long you grew terrified, the word became too solid. It felt inescapable. You know it’s just the fears speaking, but you just didn’t want to find out that things could be different. As the days grew closer and closer, your anxiety worsened as things around you changed.

“Yes, this is my Fiancee, y/n.” “I saw a few houses near that park you like, would you like to check it out with me?” “Have you decided on what colors to decorate the venue.” “Fuyumi wants to know if she can handle the catering and the flowers? Are you alright with that?” “Well since you’re indecisive I’m just going to book them all and we can just go everywhere for the Honeymoon.” It seemed as if everyday he was reminding you that this wasn’t a dream. It was always the slightest things, the easiest questions that would leave you with the realization that this was for real. You two were no longer teens that were scared to hold hands, but real adults that love each other enough to put it on a legally binding paper. No amount of movies, girl talks, or family could have prepared you for the stress you were going through. 

You snapped out of your thoughts again and looked at the time. You had to walk out soon and your nerves were fried. The movies made this seem so easy but here you were, glued to the chair, trying to find any reason under the sun to either go through with this or run away. The door to your dressing room opened and in came your friend, the maid of honor.

“Well you don’t look too happy.” They looked partially stressed from all the running around but was still checking in on you before everything started.

You tried to make a face that looked reassuring but you ended up just looking like you were going to cry. 

Your friend held you, careful to not harm your dress. “You got this y/n, you look too pretty to be this sad on your special day.”

“I know, I’m just really nervous.” 

“Well don’t be too hard on yourself, Shoto isn’t exactly doing any better.” 

You look at your friend confused, they take the hint that you weren’t aware this whole time that he’s been really frazzled. 

“Well Izuku had to quickly get a backup suit. Shoto was so stressed that he burnt through his suit. Seeing as your dress is still in one piece, I think you’re fine.”

You felt oddly comforted by your fiance's stress, in the oddest way possible it was nice to know that this wasn’t difficult for just you. “Oh, that’s kind of funny.”

“I know right, man's been so worried about this forever, I guess it’s just all coming out now. See, y’all are literally the same.”

You look around with a small smile already starting to feel better. “Thank you.”

“No problem, that’s what I’m here for! However, Imma really need you to hurry up because Izuku said he’s starting to literally steam through the suit and they really can’t get another backup.”

“Fine, I’m coming.” You stood looking down at all the white underneath you, you felt the anxiety creeping up and swat it away just as quickly. “I got this.”

You barely heard the music, or saw anybody on the way down the aisle. Your mind completely blanked, only remembering the sensation of an arm locked around your own and the vague feeling of a bouquet in your hand. You focused only on the man in front of you, he looked happy to see you. His hetero chromatic eyes that always brought you peace once again managed to make you feel calm. 

Eijiro began his spiel, he was so happy to hear that you guys were getting married and practically begged to officiate. You both agreed, thinking it was beyond sweet that he wanted to do this for you two. As the red head continued his speech, you slipped away into a revelation that forever wasn’t a terrifying word anymore, it was actually something rather nice to look forward to. 

Shoto held your hand and returned to appearing mostly stoic to anyone else that wasn’t you. You learned to tell when he was happy from the occasional slight smile, but mostly through his eyes, they had a particular gleam in them when he was emotional. He seemed well composed, but after years of all that Hero training you could still see the small wisps of steam lifting off his suit. 

"Do you take Y/n to be your wife, to cherish in friendship and love today, tomorrow, and for as long as the two of you live, to trust and honor her, to love her faithfully, through the best and the worst, whatever may come, and if you should ever doubt, to remember your love for each other and the reason why you came together with her this day?”

For a split moment he saw you how you used to look and remembered the second he fell in love with you. You were in your uniform still, leaning over a railing, making a joke about how fun it would be if he made an ice ramp to slide down. You were at ease with him, and it always made him feel at peace with you. 

"I do.”

“Do you take this ULTIMATE manly man Shoto to be your husband, to cherish in friendship and love today, tomorrow and for as long as the two of you live, to trust and honor him, to love him faithfully, through the best and the worst, whatever may come, and if you should ever doubt, to remember your love for each other and the reason why you came together with him this day?  

You laugh at the redheads words, the audience does the same. You realize that no matter what anyone else saw him as, he was always your hero. Sure he's never saved you from a burning building, but he was the first to save you from just feeling alone. Whether it was a tutor, a cry session, or just some fun, he was always there for you. You want to always be there for him, and even if you can't do it perfectly, you promise that you'll always try.

“I do.”

"Well alright then, you two are officially married! You may now kiss the bride.”

You lunged at your now husband, completely forgetting that he was technically supposed to be kissing you. He didn’t mind it at all and returned your kiss with equal admiration and love. Though you two will probably continue to be complicated for the rest of your lives, you can at least do it together.

“Forever right?”

You smiled at him in tears, the audience was full of excitement and fervor but it all felt silent and peaceful to you. “Forever.”

[crimson-phantom-designs]

NEW BEGENNINGS

Part 1 of a small one shot I did a few months ago.

"Jesus kid, I almost blew your head off! I thought you were a ghoul...."

Hancock paused a good thirty seconds staring at him as he had just stepped outside the brush, knapsack in tow. "You're serious?...." The corners of Hancock's mouth twitched into a smirk. "What good of a detective are you if I gotta point that out?"

"A... feral one, John. Christ, son get over here and behave for once- and what is that in your hand?"

"A guitar, Sherlock. Shit I gotta point everything to you or what?" Hancock held the dirty, blood stained instrument up proudly. "To the living deserve the spoils. I hadn't played one on years."

"You didn't kill somebody for that thing did you?" Nick interrogated flatly.

"Nah nah... bruiser was already dead. Like awhile. So lucky me, eh?" He chuckled.

"Just sit down." Nick dismissed him like talking to a child.

Hancock waved him off as he dropped his satchel at Nick's feet to walk off and stand outside the fire's edge as Nick searched the spoils the ghoul was sucessful scavenging, something useful he hoped, through the nearby houses. If they could be called that anymore.

Being in Commonwelth made Nick often wonder what things looked like before the war...

Hancock's loot was some rusty knives, cables, a coffee pot, a few bottles of beer and an ash tray. Most notably was the one, scrawny small molerat.

Nick grimaced at the foul thing as he held it up for inspection. It was moments like this he was grateful he didn't have a stomach but he promised to feed the one who did if he managed something...

Nick skinned the rat with one of his razors and chopped up what he could before dropping it in the pot with a few carrots he picked and set it over the fire.

He saw Hancock rustling in his coat as he leaned against an old light post looking over the fields they just cleared of feral ghouls. It wasn't often Nick left his town or his office for that matter but these little missions helped him stay sharp and this pack had been growing from what he heard to a point it even had Hancock nervous for his own town and request his help dealing with them. Not to mention drifters or traders using the roads that were getting picked off.

Nick wondered how Hancock took it killing ghouls. If he thought about them at all like himself, he didn't seem to care though he had his reasons. Sure they were wild creatures that seen even Hancock as a meal but they looked so much like him and were treated just about the same as he was and his band of misfits from Goodneighbor. John always related to the ghouls though, he made himself one willingly to escape the tyranny of his social family.

He had been through so much, the drugs had morphed him into another being entirely... When the burned ravaged man in a red coat approached him a year after he left he didn't even realize it was the same blonde haired, browned eyed scrawny boy of the McDonoughs and almost turned him away. It was his voice and how he carried himself that triggered the realization. It made Nick wonder as he watched the man from his perferial view.

Speaking of, Hancock's family was the reason Nick was here. He had tried talking to John before but setting out together to clear out the threat perhaps the information was fresh on his mind. He seemed lost in thought at the moment.

Richard was sick for awhile and the doctors were running out of options. It seemed the entire McDonough family wasn't exactly stable perhaps genetics. Martha their mother died a year ago from heart failure who John was very attached to, and before that Patrick the father and well... That was another story entirely. What drove a devide between the brothers - violently- and perhaps John still held onto that guilt. Patrick might still be alive if he hadn't run into those ghouls searching for John that night afterall.... Guy never let John forget it though Nick doubt he ever would and soon after was when chased out all ghouls as soon as he was elected mayor and John left for good.

The brothers were the last of their family and soon just John not that John seem to mind anymore.....

It was then when he heard the familiar puff intake he busted more people than he cared to admit from the ghoul as he descretly huffed the canister with his back to him. Nick's head shot up with a burning yellow glare made worse from the fire's reflection.

"You sure that's a good idea? Didn't that stuff nearly kill yah?" Nick spoke just over a scolding.

"What?..... No....." Hancock chuckled, shuffling innocently. As he was caught already he gave that up and went ahead and puffed the chem again with a shiver as things electrified about him in vibrant psychedelics and he staggered to his little nest of blankets and coats under the makeshift tarp he made. Shaking the empty canister with a frown he tossed it on the ground. Oh well, he had more and was probably going to need it.

Nick raised a sceptical brow. "Tells me you're lying."

Hancock laughed his eyes wide as it looked like two of Nick for a moment. Aside it being a trip how horrifying could that be he was a synth so it was actually possible. Oh god. He hoped he remembered that later. "The experimental shit... yeah maybe." He chuckled again as he slouched back numbly. "My skin fell off and grew back all fucked up, my hair fell out. The hair didn't grow back but eh whatever, oh the high though... it was so worth it. I felt like I was soaring with the strength of ten men.

"Uh huh..." Nick only appraised with a scowl. "Before or after you woke up vomiting blood and your heart stopped beating having to be jerked back to life by an addictol shot to the chest?"

"Ehhhhh heh before.... but my point is Jet nah Jet it's cool, is like..... the best girlfriend I've ever had." He said fondly with a loop sided smile. "She's always made me feel better and she was always available. So why say goodbye?"

"Even the best girlfriend will fuck you up eventually, you know?"

Hancock chuckled looking down at the empty jet cartiage feeling the chem start to wear off sadly. "The straight ones maybe...." Hancock barely remarked before shrugging it away as Nick glared at him. His expression slacked as he glared back before sitting down as he muttered quietly. "It helps me cope... besides there's medicine that will prevent me turning... anymore. Ferinhiet gets it for me and she's around if things go south."

"You're always full of jokes.... You stop doing the damn chems and you got nothing to worry about unless that's not weighing on your conscious."

Hancock groaned, rubbing his head. Yep the drugs had worn off. "You know, I always miss you until you're here."

"Because I care about you not overdosing and throw responsiblity in your face? That's cute. I came with you because I felt like we could talk..."

"No."

"John, hear me out."

"Not if it's about my brother." Hancock snipped sitting down and pulling the guitar in his lap. "And it's Hancock... stop calling me John. I'm not who I used to be for a reason..."

Nick sighed roughly not realizing he was holding it in. "John, come on. Talk to me. Get out of your pity bubble and be serious for a second."

"Hey, remember when you were chewing my ass out about shooting up? Gee, that was fun." Hancock snipped with a sarcastic smirk.

"I'm serious.... Your brother is really sick and you're not gonna go see him? That's not normal..."

"You're right, I'm not normal." Hancock gasped dramatically lifting a hand to his mouth. "Wait... did you not know we weren't normal!? My bad, shit I should have told you. I'm a ghoul and a drug addict, you're a condescending robot while my brothers a racist fuckhole who hates all those things. Shit, you must be very confused right now."

Nick scowled. "Look, stop grandstanding you egotistical shit... I get why you're holding on to this but enoughs enough. Look at you, you're living your life the way you want it. You don't have to keep fighting the world. I mean, isn't forgiving him easier than not?"

"Oh, Christ. Are you fucking serious right now with this shit right now?" Hancock huffed getting up to pace before sitting back down and figiting. He snatched the guitar picking at it as his scowl softened.

Still feeling the burn of those electric eyes on him he sighed. Softening slightly as his walls of defense broke down showing who he really was yet still he fought to maintain a stern face as he barely looked up to him.

"Sometimes what it looks like is all anybody can see..."

[headful-of-worms]

Don't ya hate it when

You’re reading some really good agnsty fanfics and your mind started to wander and thinks about useless shit. Like the value of existence or how your wasting time and everything. So you decide to play that sound that’s been stuck in your head for awhile even though you’ve had to have played it at 50 times these week. And play that song leads to play more songs. But you really want to finish that fic so you do. And you go to look for more fics, but right you’re looking for something extremely specific in a tiny fandom so of course you can’t find another good one.

So then of course you’re hella bored but have a hundred thing you could do and a thousand more you should do. And of course you do the logical answer which is to screw all the actual good options and go on Tumblr to type out your feelings because you don’t know what you’re feeling but you hate. And you know you’re being over dramatic and running from your problems (which compared to other people’s are pathetic). You know there’s so easy option to fix anything but you honestly just don’t feel like doing it. Or do you? You know all you want is instant gratification because you have no patience or work ethic.

So here you are on Tumblr craving validation and human contact yet at the same time you know as soon as you get you’ll hate it. Because as much as you appreciate it you don’t know how to respond because you’re awful with words (yet you claim to want to be an author when you grow up) and you just don’t know what you’re doing. And human interaction takes up so much energy. It’s like getting drunk (which you have never have done yet btw) it’s amazing and you’re happy at the time if you’re with the right people. But as soon as it stops the hangover slowly creeps over you and you second guess everything you said.

You always feel so fake because you have so many conflicting thoughts. You try to see all the down and benefits of everything so hate and love everything all at once. So you’re never sure on what you really feel. Or do you? You feel like some where on the inside you’re just choosing certain aspects of your personality and interesting just to affect how people think of you. But you never know what people actually think of you so it scares you. Or does it?

See you don’t hate yourself, quite often you think you aren’t half bad. Just sometimes you start thinking to much. Or all these thoughts fake? Is your inner self trying to manipulate you? Or are you just being over dramatic? Quite often your happy and content. And a similar distraction can pull you out of the darkest of thoughts. You don’t know who you truly are. Or do you? Why are you always so contradictory?

You just have so many bad habits. And you don’t really care. Or do you? You want things to get better. Or do you? You like having this little bit of drama don’t ya? It make you stop feeling guilty above your privileged life that would of been perfect if you didn’t fuck it up. If only you were actually hard working. You never experience any real drama since you isolate yourself for such a long time. Being part of so many different groups but never fully belonging. Only ever dipping your toes in.

You feel so awful about the hard ships around you so you try to support it through Tumblr and other social media. But you never really do anything. Is it because your scared to show the people who know you irl what you? Or do you even think that at all? You probably do but it’s only because you feel guilty? You feel guilty about everything. But not all the time. You’re a classic sjw but some times you wonder if you’re going to far. You’re so privileged so you really don’t understand other’s struggles.

You can be quite narcissistic or is vain the better word? You don’t necessarily think your better then everyone else you just put yourself on a moral high ground. Sometimes. You think you look pretty. Sometimes. You’re proud of your work. Sometimes. You always think for at least a second that hey you totally might of won and of course you deserve it. And then you realize of you didn’t you’re not that special other people are a hell of a lot better then you could ever be but hey there’s a chance.

When you started cutting in last year you thought you we’re depressed. And you wear kinda of really happy about that. Hurray you finally have an excuse for being lazy and fucked up. You finally fit inside a box. And although you always wanted to weird and different you still wanted to belong in one place. And then you realize how disgusting your thinking was. You realize you were over exaggerate it. You remember all those stories and fanfiction romanizing being depressed and feeling lost and alone. You realized so so so many people have it so much worse then you. And how absolutely awful you are. You never cut deep at all the scars are so faint you could just stop and no one might ever know. But the problem is there just a few you can see and there in places hard to hide. It’s hella stressful but you kinda like the scars.

When ever make a tiny mistake you thought about cutting and you’re kind of glad. But at least when you’re doing it you’re not sure if you really like it or if you’re just doing it so you can finally fit inside that box. You can finally have your own teen age agnst. You stop thinking you’re depressed because you obviously aren’t you don’t cut much at all after that. But you still do on the rare occasions. And even tho you haven’t cut since for 5 months and 17 days currently, you think about it a lot. And some oh so small part of you likes it.

Currently, at this moment you aren’t sure if all what you just typed is true. You don’t remember any specific thoughts from that time. You’re afraid you’re currently dramatizing it just to hopefully edge a bit of pity out of the curious, idiot reader. If by someone miracle they’re still reading you don’t understand why. You think they might see how disgusting you are and you don’t want that. But you don’t want their pity either. Or do you? Why else would you be writing this?

If the time you thought you were depressed last year started around midterms last year (mid January) it probably ended something in the spring. You’re not sure anymore. You do know there was at least a few days last year where you really where in a dark head space. When for more than a moment you seriously thought about death. You probably were being oh so melodramatic. You we’re only so idiot 8th grader who really wasn’t under a lot of stress when you start to look back. You probably we’re probably trying to be super edgy. But you where also trying to keep it a secret because it’ll just make it more edgy.

You could probably go on and on about all the other time you fucked up in the past year. How you continued to look for more problems for your self, more excuses. How in that time you discover you’re bi or at least queer. But you started to being to think it was fake. Just you trying to belong somewhere to be different yet fit in to one of those boxes. You truly decided to identify as bi. And you’re out to your whole Girl Scouts troop and 3 of you’re best friends. You also told a boy who you dated for at least 8 months you where gay because you didn’t want to hurt him and you wanted to be friends because he almost exactly like you, and it isn’t technically a lie. Gay is an umbrella term right? And is dating really the right word? You may have liked him for a month or so but it was only because you had so much in common and he really talked to you and it was so wonderful yet weird because you yourself have to usually be the one reaching out and you kind we’re isolating yourself besides talking to some or school friends every now and then. Because the people you consider your best friends were hanging out with other people and you’re not very good in a group usually. You just get a bit jealous but when you get jealous you get sad.

But anyways, that’s not the point. He asked you to the 8th grade semi formal in may and of course you said yes. And you never specifically told anyone but a bunch of people already knew. And they we’re some of your best friends and a lot of people who were just fun to hang out with and you wanted to get to know better. They kinda were a group, not exactly because it was a bit large, it more like a lot of smaller groups hanging out or like a bunch of floater who know how to make a group fun, how to feel like you belong. Maybe groups are to bad you think. But no you’re kind of wrong. Who you talk to? Should you only stick with the one friend you know best and cling to them? Or is that weird? Should you try to get to know other people better and kinda ignore your friend? But your friend isn’t exclusively talking to you anyway? How much attention should you try to direct? When do you join in? How? When are you being annoying? To summarize: you never feel like you fit in.

The dance was awesome but you kinda floated around. Not really hanging out with your boyfriend???? But kinda hanging out with that group. But also with your group of awkward introverted friends. And as much as you love em you are also so so so awkward and introverted so it’s not the best combo.

Skip to summer. You and your boyfriend??? text a lot in the summer and into the school year. But its never very serious and it’s always ends up just becoming just memes. And at the time (summer) it’s perfect. He’s the one reaching out to you which is so wonderfully unusually. But you kinda wish you had some serious conversations because you guys never really discussed what you were and you do kind of miss talking about more then just memes. So you both assume you’re officially dating and you see each other exactly once during the summer. Looking back on that time now you think of it fondly. It doesn’t matter you broke up you guys are still friends. And honestly thought out the summer that all you guys kind were. And you will forever be grateful for that time because it was exactly what you needed and you and him had a blast. At least you think he did.

And oh my god you thought you were going to talk about your problematic past self any longer. This was only supposed to be a few sentences. Opening up even though writing is addictive. Not even on the second paragraph you realize writing in this perspective is weird as fuck. But it’s so different and you kind of like it. And it was to late to stop. You already know you’ve changed you’re mood and tone have changed way to much throughout this. But you don’t really care this is helping you let it all out.

And to the poor reader who is still reading this why? But thank you. You guess that’s what you should say. You want to apologize for all of the mistakes in spelling and grammar you have made. And problem tense wise as well. But you know you won’t go back and fix it because that means reading this shit again. And you’re afraid you might delete it. You know you’ll end up reading it again eventually. You also want to apologize for the length and that unfortunately you’re teenage angst bull shit rant is going to continue. You probably should of written this in some diary.

Now back to that summer but on a new topic. You play volleyball. You’re a setter and have been for a few years but it’s only because you’re not stellar at anything else. You aren’t very athletic but you almost never give up on a play. But the problem is that for the travel season. The problem is you don’t know how to act around your school team in 8th grade. You have two friends who also play on your club team and know you act more wild and goofy once you’re out side of that school environment with that big group of acquaintance.

But those friends are better at socializing and aren’t awkward at all. They’re really good friends with the other 10 players. You on the other hand are not. It’s not that you don’t want to be. They’re all really nice. You just don’t know how to fit in with that big group. So summer begins and the high school coaches start having open gyms twice a week. You weren’t able to go in the beginning so when you finally start going it’s been a while since you’ve seen people from school.

The people trying out for jv include: the 5 incoming sophomore who were on the team last year. Four of them fit together really well. The fifth is a bit quite but she isn’t awkward so she still fits in. Out of the 13 who were on the 8th grade team you and 9 others try out. 2 other beginners try out as well. You hang out mostly with those 2 beginners. Not because the others are exclusive just you aren’t great with big groups. The other freshmen and sophomores end of getting along wonderfully and fit together.

Try outs come around and guess what? You those other 9 freshmen and the sophomores make the team. It’s a totally of 15 girls which is quite large for a volleyball team. Especially when considering 12 is the most usually in a high school team but a lot of team tend to have 10 players for travel teams. Only 6 players and a the libero are needed to play. And even though this will become quite a problem for eventually (considering there are 3 other setters and 1-2 are on the court at a time) you are more worried about the fact that while every one was becoming so close during the summer you are kind of behind now. It’s to late you think you’ll never fully belong. And although currently, you and that sophomore became friends and you are still very close with your travel friends, you still don’t think you fully belong.

The season officially starts and so does the school year. And because volleyball is a fall sport you get placed in the volleyball homeroom. Which isn’t bad or good. The problem is there’s too many players. In practice it wasn’t too bad. You guys usually played 6 on 6 meaning 3 players were out at a given time. And because you were the worst setter out of the four you got the least amount of practice. You kind are pissed because it makes it even harder for you to get better. But it’s worse for games you almost never play. And it’s only when it isn’t a challenging team. You don’t blame the coach for that. You know the others were and are better but still you wanted to play.

Oh my god you realize you have been typing and ranting and pacing for over two hours by now. And you realize it’s time to stop. You would like to apologize to the curious readers if there are still any at this point. You usually only get 1 or 2 on a personal post anyway. You aren’t really sure you want to post this melodramatic crap but you are going to do it any way. You want to continue but you know you shouldn’t. You say a quick goodbye and thank you. And then start to add some tags so you can both find this in the future ( hence the why am I like this) but also to warn people who might want or not want to see this. You’re glade you wrote this. Or are you?

[lost-your-memory]

semi angsty prompt where kara and alex really talk about the fact kara will out live the humans in her life (specifically cat), maybe alex see's cat without make up and it kinda hits her for the first time the significance of their age difference (that's never been her biggest concern about the relationship) and kara is just like "you think i don't know that?" and they have a really honest convo about it and what kara is really gonna have to face as time goes on

It’s rather short and not that angsty but I figured it would fit anyway. Thank you for this brillant prompt Darling ♥

Alex is wise beyond her years, despite her somewhat fierce temperament.She rushes forward whenever the people she loves are in danger, thinking of a plan in a matter of seconds and putting it to execution right away and sometimes, it’s hard to follow her.She’s a storm and she waltzes in and out but sometimes, sometimes she doesn’t.Sometimes, she just takes a step back and she studies the world around her.She takes in details no one else seems to notice and she’s become something of a walking library of facts, information and unalterable truths, ones she keeps to herself because it’s not important.It never is, until some day, one of those truths she’s never voiced just explode in front of her.

—Friday night, she’s at the Grants for dinner and she’s nursing a glass of Scotch when Carter arrives.He’s tall and strong and the smile of his lips is one of happiness as he says hi to her. She smiles back at him and there’s a voice in her head that wonders «when did he become so adult». She shrugs and asks about college, science, engineering and stuff she knows about. He’s a prodigy, a genius and Maxwell Lord and Lena Luthor only have a few years left to savor their glory before the next Grant barges in their field to take them down.Then, she hears the door opens and closes and soon enough, Cat Grant is making her way across the living room and towards the kitchen, where Kara is making dinner.“Hi Alex.” She says with a wave of her hand but her attention is elsewhere. The smile she’s directing at Kara is tender, soft and loving but it crinkles her face and Alex is suddenly aware of each creases and cracks that break Cat’s carefully applied makeup.She feels like an intruder because it is not something she’s supposed to see but there it is. Age, dripping from Cat’s face, from Cat’s whole body and there’s something in her eyes that tells Alex she’s self-aware.Kara doesn’t seem to notice and Alex adverts her eyes when they kiss, focusing back on Carter. She wonders if Kara realizes, all the implications of dating Cat, truly realizes.—Dinner is full of laugh and love, punctuated by Cat’s sassy comments and Alex’s sneaky comebacks and it’s soft and warm, it’s domestic.Carter yawns and says goodbye to them, leaving Alex, Cat and Kara to sip at their alcohol in the living room. Cat is sat down on one of the couches, Kara laying sideways with her head on her lover’s lap and Alex is facing them, comfortably settled in a pushy armchair. She’s nursing another glass of Scotch and she’s a little dizzy but it’s familiar and good.Cat asks about Maggie and Alex answers with a smile, the conversation flowing very easily between them. It had taken her months to be okay with the idea of her baby alien sister dating the powerful CEO of CatCo Worldwide Media but in the end, she’s come to learn how to like Cat. She wouldn’t admit it out loud but she actually considers the Queen of all media like someone close. Maybe even a part of her little makeshift and carefully selected family.Kara is content to just chime in from time to time but she doesn’t move and Alex is sure she would purr if she was a cat. Alex watches as Cat’s fingers are gently caressing her sister’s blond hair and then, she notices it. She sees the faint brown age spots, the way the veins start to have a certain relief, the delicacy of bones that are not as strong as they once were.Alex looks away and sips at her alcohol. They talk and talk and Alex sees the cracks and flaws of Cat’s body slowly stand out under the dim light of the living room.In the end, Cat leaves after wishing them goodnight.Alex drinks and drinks and she pours herself another glass, aware of her sister’s deep blue eyes on her. The unvoiced truth is caught in her throat and she doesn’t want to let it out but then Kara tilts her head to the left and she knows she can’t keep it for herself anymore.Her voice is soft and gentle but the words are still a blow.“You’re going to survive her, you know?”—Kara refuses to talk about it and she leaves it alone.She knows her sister will come to her once she’s ready.It takes a month and a near-death experience for that to happen.—Kara’s sprawled on her couch, a cushion over her face and Maggie gives her a knowing look before announcing she’s going to the alien bar. Kara doesn’t even try to say she can stay and the lieutenant closes the door behind her.Alex sighs and comes to sit beside her sister, moving Kara’s feet to put them on her lap, so she can stroke them while they talk.“I know she’s going to die, eventually.”The words are strangled and strained with one too many emotions, but Alex stays silent. She is wise and used to be around Kara so she knows, she knows she can’t push her sister. Kara will talk on her own terms.“Don’t you think I know that? I knew, even before we were a couple, that I would outlive her.” Kara says and this time, the tone is a little stronger but the emotions are swirling and spinning in her inflections, in the way she doesn’t really ask the question.Alex hesitates and she grabs one of her sister’s feet to massage it before gently, so ever gently, speaking again.“It’s not just her, Kara.”She hears the sob and she feels it at the same time, her sister’s whole body shaking under the violence of it. She pushes a little harder on Kara’s skin, knowing it helps her to relax a little but she knows nothing can really calm the superhero now.“I’m going to lose everyone all over again, Alex, I know that.” It’s heavy, so heavy in Alex’s ears and she swallows a sob of her own because she needs to be strong for her little sister. She remembers the little girl that came to live with them when she was a teenager, she still dreams of those haunted and devastatingly sad deep blue eyes some nights. She knows Kara still has nightmares where she sees Krypton die, over and over and over again and out of everyone else in Kara’s life, she understands why her sister’s always trying to avoid the subject.“I know, Kara. I know.” She doesn’t offer some lies about it, it would be insulting the both of them and she hates false hope.“I’m going to be there, standing at everyone else’s funerals and … Year after year, people are going to die and I will end up … alone. I will have to deal with … with the aftermaths.” Kara’s voice is low, so low and desperate, Alex clenches her jaw to swallow another wave of sadness.“I know. You will be there because you will honor each and every single one of us, you will be there to celebrate our lives and how lucky we were to have been around you, Kara.” She says and it’s soft and warm and it’s peaceful. She realizes she’s made peace with her upcoming death and that she’s more worried about Kara than anything else, really.“Don’t … Don’t say that.” The words are choked up and Alex reaches to take the cushion off of her sister’s face.Oh, she should have let it where it was.Kara’s deep, deep blue eyes are a stormy torrent and tears are rolling down at their corners, heavily falling on the couch’s fabric underneath her. She’s crying silently and her whole body jerks and jumps from the sheer force of her chagrin.It’s desperate and unavoidable, there’s a tragedy caught in the drenched eyelashes, a faith worse than death shining in the tears and oh, it’s heart-wrenching to see those baby blue eyes reflect all the funerals they will someday witness.Alex sees so many coffins and black clothes, she sees rains and winters, she sees ashes and dust and ruins and she sees a forever that tastes like bittersweet agony.She’s not breathing and it takes her lungs to burn with the lack of oxygen for her to realize she needs to inhale. Kara watches her and there’s a knowing gleam shining underneath all that pain and suffering about a future she’s dreadful about. Alex finally takes a sharp intake of breath and she smiles.She smiles and she whispers “You might outlive us, Kara, but you will never, ever be alone.”She feels Kara’s eyes upon her but she doesn’t face her, staring into nothing as she keeps talking.“Wherever you go, wherever you will be, there will be people to be there for you. You’re a sun, Kara, people are drawn to you and they gravitate around you, you don’t even notice it. It takes some of us to point it out for you to realize how much you’re surrounded.” Her voice is very low and it’s barely a breath but she knows Kara can hear her.“You will have people and even though it won’t be us, we will still be with you somehow. You will have memories and souvenirs and for a while, those will be painful yes. You’re going to feel sad, empty, lost and angry but one day, you will love those images of your past, you will love them fondly. Everyone goes through grief and loss at some point in our life. Yes, you are an alien and you will live longer, you will experience it more than anyone else in the world but … you will also see wonders, Kara. You love the whole Humanity, you have faith in it so you will see it rise and fall, you will see newborns, progresses, kindness and goodness of heart but above all of this, you will witness love, over and over and over again.” Alex says and she smiles again.Kara doesn’t speak and Alex stares at her for a while, noticing the tears are still there, shining in her sister’s eyes but they’re not falling. She assumes it’s a step up.“We will lose mom and then plenty of other people we love. You will lose Cat and then me and then James and Winn and Lucy. Carter too, one day. People are going to leave, because their lives will come to an end but it’s not necessarily bad you know. Living a full life is a blessing itself and besides, we are going to leave a legacy behind us. Children. Achievements. Actions the world will need to remember. You will have to watch over our legacy, guide it, protect it, cherish it.” Alex talks and talks, her voice sounding a little unreal, even to herself.“You will never, ever be alone Kara. Yes, you will suffer grief and loss and it’s going to be hard, I can’t lie and you know it. But life is all about balance and you are going to make sure the world keeps spinning. You are the sun Kara and the world will always, always love you.”She smiles again and it’s a little dreamy. Kara doesn’t speak yet but she seems calmer now, no tears on her cheeks and not even in her deep blue eyes.Finally, finally, Kara smiles and it’s sad but almost peaceful. It’s not bright, it’s not sunny and it lacks hope but it’s something and Alex takes it.Then she whispers “Are you going to stick around until the very end?”Alex smirks and answers “Always.”