#so my parents went to go see his widow along with mutual friends

[tamayokny]

thoroughly convinced that 2023 is a terrible year and that it needs to end

[snowbellewells]

CSSS20 Fic: “One Little Ray of Hope”

Merry Merry Christmas @let-it-raines!!! Can you believe we ended up being each other’s Secret Santas?!?  It was all I could do not to spoil the surprise yesterday when you posted your amazing story gift for me, but here I am finally with yours in return, and I truly hope you will enjoy it.

You mentioned that you like friends-to-lovers and mutual pining, which I genuinely tried to do to the best of my ability. However, I discovered neither of those things are actually types of fic I have done much.  This comes out more like bantering crushes, and Emma-in-denial-finally-admitting-what-everyone-else-already-knows. I did set it in the Enchanted Forest for you, and I tried to mix in the humor and the feels so it has a bit of everything. And there are Christmas touches but it isn’t holiday overwhelming. I got to the stopping place I envisioned though, and it just wasn’t enough. I hope you will forgive me if I say this is only Part One and there will be a Part Two coming shortly once the holiday hoopla dies down. (In all honesty, I was anxious that my story was for you - I love your writing so much, and I am not at all sure this measures up! And then I read your gift and was even more blown away.)  Still, here’s hoping this brings a smile to a shipmate like you who has been so friendly and kind and made me smile with your writing all year long!  Part Two - and hopefully some fic cover art - to follow soon!)

“One Little Ray of Hope”

by: @snowbellewells

               Though the fire in the stone hearth was blazing merrily, the lights from their lamps combatted the dark sky and frigid wind blasting flurries of snow outside their windows, and the jovial voices of many of their regulars mingled on the air to make things cozy inside the little inn and tavern, Emma Swan still shivered at the winter's chill. There, was some hint of frost that wouldn't go away, forming small icy crystals inside her chest - one particular voice that always stood out from the rest to her ears, was missing. She cursed herself for noticing, cursed him for being so unmistakable, and slammed an empty tankard onto her tray as she cleared the just-vacated table more violently than she had meant to.

               Naturally Ruby would be passing by just then, on her way to wait on some exuberant new arrivals, and she playfully arched one of her dark brows with a teasing smirk. "Looks like someone's a little frustrated this evening."

               From over her shoulder, where Emma hadn't even realized anyone was nearby, Tink tittered with a playful little giggle to Ruby, "Well, you know, we do seem to be short some of Emma's favorite guests this evening…" pirate was not her special anything. Honestly, she was just tired, overworked, overheated, and ready for some fresh air away from the evening crowd. It didn't have anything to do with the fact that Captain Killian Jones, with his unfairly blue eyes and his stomach-flipping accent wasn't here pestering her and getting in her way. What did she care if his farewell to her before he set sail nearly two months' back was that he would return in time for the Yuletide festivities? False hope and nonsense, all of it anyway…

               And yet… tomorrow was Christmas day, her traitorous mind whispered as she plunked her heavy tray of dishes on the counter where the Widow Lucas - the proprietor of their inn, and 'Granny' to all of them - was serving up orders and Ashley was doing dishes as fast as she could to serve warm bread and hearty stew on them once more. Again, her approach was none too gentle, as she huffed out a breath of air and pushed her hair from her face impatiently.

               "Careful there, my girl. Any dishes you break will be comin' from your pay," the widow threatened idly. Granny put on a tough front - one had to in a rough and tumble harbor town - and she meant business if she had to bring out her crossbow from where she kept it close to hand beneath the counter, but she was a soft heart beneath the necessary bluster and hard shell. She loved all "her girls" and most of her patrons dearly, wanting them to know they were welcome and cared for in her inn - and while many like she and her granddaughter had little in the way of blood-related family, she aimed to give them a feeling of home in her place.

               Emma smiled slightly, acknowledging Granny's words without comment, despite knowing the older woman would do no such thing. She unloaded the dirtied tankards and bowls more carefully into the soapy water for Ashley and forced herself to draw a couple of deep breaths as Granny loaded her up with the next order.

               Just as Emma moved to lift the tray and move off again, Granny placed her own hand over Emma's kindly, keeping her there until Emma met her eyes. "Don't let Ruby irk you. She means no harm," was the quietly offered advice, to which Emma nodded sagely, already knowing as much. It was only when Granny winked and added, "Of course, if you're awaiting some handsome sailor, I wager he'll be here soon," that Emma let out an exasperated huff and spun away to the sound of her boss and pseudo-grandmother's laughter at her back. Shaking her head, she seethed, 'Everyone thinks I'm waiting for Jones…. Well, I'm not!'

               The night went on without much further interruption; the snow fell in continued flakes, swirled and eddied by the window and pilling up on the windowsills. Inside their crowded tavern, however, the cozy warmth continued to rise right along with the songs and laughter of those gathered within. Soon Emma found her face flushed, cheeks pinked from the heat and close quarters. Even as the gathered crowd began to dwindle, slowly trickling out the door and homeward in twos and threes, as she, Ruby, Tink, and Ashley began to wipe down empty tables and see to storing up leftover food and seeing drinks stoppered and sealed for the night. Granny had gone upstairs nearly an hour before as the midnight hour had come and gone, claiming her old bones needed the rest, and Mulan, who did not appear the musical type, but who had once confessed when more than a bit tipsy on dwarf mead that her parents had seen that she was learn all sorts of marriageable skills in the hopes of seeing her matched with a smart, dashing husband before she had left hoe to make her own way - had switched from plunking out bawdy sea shanties and reels for the gathered revelers and lighting begun pecking out chords to a few softer and slower Yuletide carols as a background accompaniment to the cleaning and the quieter murmurs of those who still lingered in conversation over their last drinks.

               Not long after, Ruby silently slipped out the kitchen exit in back with the solemn huntsman who came every night to break bread and drink not at all other than to drink in her presence and bask in her company had stood and followed her like a silent shade as she beckoned from the doorway. Ashley had headed upstairs herself for some rest in her own apartments, as had Tink, saying the last town gazette's gossip section was calling her name. Mulan had paused at the door before heading to her own house a couple streets over, telling Emma she would make rounds of the block first, to see that all stragglers had gone home, and no trouble was lingering about them before she left.

               Emma thanked the beautiful warrior sincerely, knowing that it was no more or less than the other woman did every night, determined that these friends who took her and all others at face value, welcoming all lost and weary travelers without trying to change them were safe and secure. She would see no harm come to the Widow Lucas and her adopted "sisters" on her watch; Emma knew Mulan took that charge upon herself as a sworn duty. The rest of them would never have put such weight on her shoulders, but each one of them also slept easier knowing Mulan was nearby. The slim build, shining curtain of silky black hair and delicate features could have long ago earned Mulan the hand of any prince, pirate, or nobleman who laid eyes on her, but those physical attributes all deceptively hid her strength, speed, and core of deadly steel if anyone threatened harm to those she loved.

               "We'll be alright," Emma assured again, as Mulan bid her goodnight. "Everyone was in good spirits this evening. No fights, no trouble. Please rest easy once you get home. I can't imagine anything should happen until we see you again tomorrow."

               "As you say," the raven-haired woman replied simply, and with a slight dip of her head in a bow, she turned and slipped into the night with such soundless agility and grace that she seemed to melt into the darkness - unseen in mere seconds.

               Closing the door at last, Emma latched it securely, making certain the tavern and rooms above were locked properly for the night. She then began to move about the large, open main room, blowing out the candles still left aglow on scattered tabletops and snuffing out the wall sconces as well as she made a final pass around the main space. At last her final chores were complete, one last lit candle in her hand as she stood before the front window, looking down the moonlit street toward the docks for a moment longer. Captain Jones and his crew had yet to be seen in town, and while she could tell the others she didn't care - could even tell herself that in the light of day - here alone in the silent frosty night, Emma couldn't help wondering where he might be, and if he were well.

               "Jones, if you're out there," she murmured, hoping only the snow and ice and the Christmas star would hear her, "Take care or yourself… and be safe 'til we meet again."

               She had crossed the darkened room, placed her hand on the stair rail and was on the first step up to the second floor, when she heard the lightest rapping at the side door into the alley. Pausing there, Emma held her breath, listening uncertainly for the knock again, hardly daring to hope. She only had her candle in hand, the shadows long around her. Were Ruby and her huntsman still outside keeping each other warm despite the winter's chill? Could there be a prowler who had lain in wait until their self-appointed guardian had left for the night, or might it be the visitor she had been promised? The face she had looked for in anticipation every time the inn's door had opened to welcome a new patron that night? She would deny it to anyone, but those dark brows arched up into his windswept hair in challenge or jest, over eyes as blue as his beloved ocean, had been sorely missed; she had hoped to see him home again for Christmas more than she wanted to allow herself.

               She drew nearer to the side entrance, not wishing to give any her presence if the person on the other side bore ill intent, but straining to hear all the same; seeking some sign she was right and to confirm the feeling she had about who awaited on the other side. Gathering her courage, Emma reached for the fireplace poker beside the large stone hearth. Its embers were now dead for the night, but only a short while ago it had been blazing hotly, heating the entire space. She was not some frightened child at any rate; she'd hold her own against any intruder if the opened door led to a nasty surprise.

               Sure enough, the rapping came again, more firmly and with the added hushed entreaty, "Swan? Are you still about, Lass? Emma Swan! It's Captain Jones if you're still about and wish to see your sailor!"

               Her concerns brushed aside at the tones of that voice she could not mistake, Emma let the metal of her makeshift weapon clatter against the stone as it dropped from her fingers. With an exuberant little cry, she was at the door and lifting the latch in a second. The candle in her hand flickered and nearly went out with the stunned breath that left her upon glimpsing his handsome form once again after so long away.

               To his credit, Jones didn't tease; instead looking rather stunned himself as his gaze appeared busy drinking her in as well. Soon, he slipped inside out of the blustery chill and, seeing that her hand holding lighted taper was shaking considerably, he took it from her with care and reached to light the nearest sconce, casting their immediate surroundings with enough warm glow by which to see.

               Finally, she regained enough of her faculties to speak, and Emma stuttered, "It seemed you were not coming, Captain. Ruby mocked me all day for my foul temper and Tink joined in of course to say it was due to my missing and certain pirate and his crew. The busybodies!" she scoffed. But then she reached across the space between hem to catch his hand. "I did worry you might have been arrested, or hurt, or wrecked…or lost…any number of things. Or perhaps I gave you no clear assurance, and instead you had moved on, not to return."

               Killian shook his head just barely, looking troubled that she could even think he would abandon or fail her so easily. "Hardly Lass," he stated fervently, a sort of fiery glow in his eyes she had not seen before. I did say I would return by Yuletide, did I not? A pirate I might be, but I still have my honor.  It would take more than the increased vigilance of the Evil Queen and her forces to keep me away."

               Emma sucked in a worried breath at the cause of his delay. They all hoped to keep far under the notice of the usurper monarch - as cold and cruel as she was darkly attractive, she would end a life as easily as snapping her fingers, and at the slightest provocation, real or imagined. Life had been all the harder and more fraught with danger since Regina had wrested the crown from her kind and gentle stepdaughter Snow White, the rightful heir to the crown. If Killian were wanted by Queen Regina and had snuck back into her borders only to keep his promise, Emma could not bear to consider what would happen if he were discovered.

               Now was the moment of truth, before anymore needless time slipped past. It was time she told him what she had realized while no teasing friends or rowdy onlookers were listening in. "I missed you," she finally managed to croak out around the lump in her throat. "Thank you… Killian…for keeping your word."

               He dipped his head to look into her eyes where she had dropped her gaze to her feet. A strong, calloused hand, warm and gentle in its intent, tipped her chin back up to stare into his searching gaze. "Of course, Swan - Emma. All I could have wished for this holiday was…" he paused, his tongue darting out to wet his lips nervously and a hand coming up to worry the spot behind his ear - gesture she had long ago noticed signified nervousness. But he plunged on determinedly, "was to see you again, to see you and give you this."

               Pulling a small pouch from some inner pocket of his long leather jacket, he held it out to her with sparkling eyes, appearing almost boyish for a moment in his eagerness to see her open his gift, and whispering "Happy Christmas, Emma," as he placed it in her upturned palm.

               Emma's mouth formed a surprised "O", having not expected or hoped for anything more than his safe return. Opening the ties, she tilted the soft material until the item within spilled out in her hand. Holding up a long, golden chain with an exquisite stone of lovely pale green, near to jade in color, swinging from it, she was enchanted by the pendant he had brought her. "Oh, it's gorgeous," she breathed, rather stunned at how nice the piece of jewelry was.  She wore (or even owned, to be honest) little of such finery.

               "It's sea glass," Killian explained, taking the piece back in nimble fingers when she offered it, then turned, lifting her long hair so he could place the chain around her neck and fasten it for her. "Though sailors believe sea glass is good luck, that it keeps the wearer safe, and I would always wish you to be so, I knew it had to be yours because of the color. It reminded me vividly of your eyes…" Though the necklace was secured, his fingers still grazed featherlight along her skin, causing prickles of awareness to course throughout her body, and his own voice had turned decidedly husky.

               At last, Emma turned to face him once more, breaking the trance between them, but needing to thank him, and for him to see how touched she was by his gift, even if her voice was breathless and her words trembled with emotion. "I don't know what to say. You shouldn't have, but I adore it all the same. I'll treasure it, Killian. Truly." And without further hesitation or pausing to think and second guess, Emma threw her arms around him, squeezing him tightly to her. "Thank you," she whispered against his chest, breathing in the salty, spicy essence of him and nuzzling against his chest. She realized with a force that almost knocked her off her feet that she never wanted to let go.

               She felt Killian Jones' fingers thread through her hair, stroking gently, reverently as they stood there wrapped up in each other, swaying slightly in the candle glow and the howl of the wind outside. Emma felt they might indeed stay that way forever, and that neither of them would mind at all, until more rapid knocking interrupted their silent moment. The door handle rattled urgently, and she heard a nervous voice she recognized as Killian's first mate's speaking in hurried words. "Cap'n, you told me to summon you when an hour had gone. I've already seen one patrol of black guard go by. If they notice the Jolly in the harbor…"

               "Aye, Smee," he gritted out, stopping the anxious flow of words. "Head back and make ready to sail. I'll follow in a moment."

               He sighed as he turned back to Emma, tracing his thumb over the apple of her cheek and pausing to caress the dimple in her chin as he cradled her face in his hand.

               "You have to go," she acknowledged reluctantly; hating it, but understanding and wanting to see him safe, just as he did her. Her words were wistful, wishing he could stay there with her - or that she could run away with him - but it was too much, too quickly, no matter how she dreaded being parted again so soon.

               "I must, for now," he affirmed, the regret lacing every syllable of his words. "But I hope that now you know I will return."

               She nodded mutely, her mind trying to memorize every detail of his face, his voice, his touch, until she could see him again. "And I will be here waiting for you," she promised with equal intent.

               Bending slightly, Killian brushed his lips against her cheek, his stubble tickling her skin and again making her shiver at the sensation. It was the lightest and most gallant of kisses, and yet it only served to make her burn for more - for him to take her in his arms, for those firm lips to kiss her everywhere, for him to take her to her own apartments, or back to his cabin. It would keep her burning for however long they might be kept apart.

               As he had to leave, heading out again into the dark night, Emma stood at the door watching until the very second his vanished from her sight, no longer able to deny how anxiously she would await his return.

[jazy3]

Thoughts on Grey’s Anatomy: 16X15

Oh boy were there a lot of twists this episode! Wowza! I really loved Meredith’s voiceover in this episode! It feels like this season they’re getting back to expressing more of what Meredith is feeling through the voiceovers. In this one she talks about her childhood in Boston and about what snow days mean to different people. How her mother hated snow days, but that she loved them and would always run outside and how everything felt magical and new. 

But that as beautiful as snow is it does eventually start to melt and then you’re standing in slush frozen and unable to feel anything at all. But that after enough time the slush disappears too as the ground begins to thaw, the days get longer, and though you could never imagine it you start to feel again and how it surprises her every time. I kind of thought they might do a voiceover like that when introducing Meredith’s new love interest and it turns out I was right!

All the scenes with Meredith and Cormac were amazing! Oh my god I love them together! They fit so well! They have so much in common! I love that they’ve become friends first before jumping into anything. I also love the set up of Meredith helping Hayes move forward. I love that Meredith has found someone she can talk to about losing Derek, moving forward, being a widow young, and raising a bunch of kids as a single parent while running a department while being a world class surgeon and doctor.

I love that her and Cormac are friends and that they both know that there’s something more there, but they’re not ready to do anything about it and that’s okay. They’re friends and they’re getting to know one another and building a relationship over time. I loved the scene in the OR when they talked about Mer almost losing her medical licence and how Cormac said that he ran away with his boys to Switzerland after his wife died. Meredith laughed and he was all confused and then she explained that she did the same thing after Derek died when she moved her kids to San Diego for a year. They have so much in common and I love that.

I also love that they established that while they share a lot of firsts Meredith’s gone through something that Cormac hasn’t yet which is dating after death. Derek’s been gone for roughly 5 years now give or take and in that time Meredith has started dating again, had flings, had relationships, kissed, slept with, had sex with, and woken up next to other men that weren’t her husband. She’s been forced to have the talk with her kids about her about dating again and dealt with everything that comes along with that.

Cormac on the other hand hasn't kissed or dated anyone since his wife died two years ago after a slow, long, and painful battle with cancer. I’m excited to see this storyline play out and I really hope that we get to see Cormac and Mer work through some of the stuff she went through with Thorpe and Riggs when she first started dating again. I also like that they’re not pushing it with this relationship. They’re building it slowly. First they butted heads. Then they started over. Then they slowly gained a mutual respect and admiration for each other. Now they’re friends and colleagues.

They’re taking it slow and I love that. We’ve never actually seen Meredith ease into something. She always jumps in head first and it always crashes and burns as a result. I’m excited to see her try something new with someone whose been through some of the things she’s been through and can understand her perspective and experience and where she’s coming from. The scene at the end in the snow was my favourite. 

I love that little smile she gave him at the end like ‘I could do something about this now, but I really shouldn’t and I don’t trust myself so I’m going to go home and deal with this later.’ Love it! I loved how Cormac slowly came to the realization about who Cristina was talking about when she referred to Dr. Evil Spawn and her Twisted Sister. Hayes is figuring it out! Not everything is as it seems. Cristina didn’t hate him or Alex and she did talk about Meredith. He just didn’t realize it at the time. I loved the scene at the end where Cormac brought it up and Mer was like ‘That’s me!’ Haha!

I loved the scene at the end with Cormac and Meredith in the snow for so many reasons. I loved how Cormac asked her what DeLuca was to her and she said that he was one of her firsts. He was the first person she said ‘I love you’ too after her husband died and she wants to help him because he’s clearly suffering. Unfortunately, she can’t because you can’t help people who won’t help themselves or that don’t want your help and she has to let Carina take it from here. He was one of her firsts on the list of things you have to deal with after the love of your life dies. But now that’s over.

I said this before and I’ll say it again DeLuca was a transition point. Thorpe was the first person Meredith slept with and woke up next to after Derek died. Nathan was her first real relationship after he passed. Nick Marsh got her to open herself up to the possibility of love again. Her relationship with DeLuca forced her to move forward. She said ‘I love you’ and the situation forced her to have conversations with her kids about her dating again. All of those things and all of those experiences brought her to where she is now.

Cormac is still at a place where he’s working on all of that and that’s okay. Because Meredith will be there as a friend to help him through it and eventually they’ll wind up together. She’s at a place now where she’s ready to move on and move forward with her life and date someone who’s in it for the long haul and who understands her experience and with whom she can build and re-build her life. She’s come a long way. I’m glad that Meredith and DeLuca are really and truly over. I’m glad that Meredith can see that now and that Carina seems to have taken the lead with trying to get him some help.

At the very least the fact that he walked out into a blizzard without gloves or mittens like an idiot means he’ll be out of commission for the foreseeable future. Which means he’ll either disappear from the show altogether and then probably show up later to say goodbye or we’ll see Jackson treating him on and off over the next several episodes and then he’ll be written off. I thought they did a really good job in this episode of portraying DeLuca’s illness and the fact that he was unwell and not thinking clearly. 

Meredith and Carina are right to be concerned and DeLuca isn’t able to see it at all. His last comment to her about Alzheimer’s was cold, cruel, inappropriate, and uncalled for. I think there’s a really great parallel there between Derek and DeLuca in that Derek used to worry all the time about Meredith getting Alzheimer’s. The difference is Derek tried to do something about it. He tried to find a cure. There’s a line from an earlier season, I don’t remember which one, where Derek is talking to one of the other characters, I think it’s Owen or maybe Richard, and he says that every time Meredith forgets her keys he panics especially when they’re in her hand or her purse.

He worries about her and actively tries to help. Derek could be a real asshole sometimes, but he loved Meredith very much and that love always underpinned everything that they did. And that’s the difference between someone who truly loves you and someone who just thinks they love you. Derek would never accuse Meredith of having Alzheimer’s or say something like that because he understood what that meant. DeLuca on the other hand is lashing out. When someone really loves you they support you and try to find ways to help. They don’t just say they love you and then use your past and your family history and your concern against you to make you leave.

The most shocking part of the episode for me was Teddy! Wow! I did not see that coming! When someone knocked on Tom’s door I expected to be Owen wanting to talk about his friendship with Teddy or an upset Amelia wanting to talk about Link and Owen. I did not expect it to be Teddy and I did not expect her to kiss him. Twist! I loved the scene when Teddy walked up to Maggie at work and said she respected her loyalty to Amelia and wasn’t asking her to betray anyone or anything or to lie but that she couldn’t shake this feeling that Amelia’s baby was Owen’s and so she asked her if she was crazy for thinking that. Maggie was very measured and said that no she wasn’t crazy.

I liked this exchange because Teddy voiced her concerns in a way Maggie could understand and then as a result Maggie was able to answer her in a way that got to the truth but didn’t involve her lying or betraying anyone’s trust. Teddy basically asked her, ‘Am I barking up the wrong tree here?’ and Maggie’s answer was, ‘No girl. You’re not. Trust your intuition. It’s right.’ In other news Bailey asked Joey to move in with them!!! Him and Tuck seem to be getting along great which is awesome! What’s not so awesome is the fact that Bailey didn’t tell Ben before she brought a whole kid home to live in their house. Kidnapping/Adopting children/babies without telling your husband seems to be this season’s theme! I liked that she showed him around the hospital and talked about all of the possibilities for his future.

The twist with the new resident actually being a patient got me! I did not see that coming! I’m glad that she did actually have some medical training though. She wasn’t going in blind. But still wow! I also did not see the thing with Richard coming. He has a tremor in his hand that may prevent him from operating. I wonder when that started. If it’s been happening for a while that might explain the way he’s been feeling, the signs of depression, the feeling of defeat, and the breakdown in his relationship with Catherine. On the other hand, all of that could have just been what it was and he’s just noticing this now which is why he’s been so depressed and defeated lately.

This poor man. He married Adele who he loved, but constantly choose his work over her. He had an affair with Ellis and had a great love in his life, but chose his career over her out of professional jealously. She eventually got Alzheimer’s and died. Then Adele got Alzheimer’s and died. Then he got together with Catherine and they got married and then she got cancer. He’s almost lost his career multiple times due to his alcoholism, being a dry drunk, and relapsing. He found out he had a daughter he never knew he had. Meredith came back into his life and he was plagued with guilt over what happened and has tried ever since to make amends. Then he gets fired by his protégé from standing up for her while his wife sat by and did nothing.

He starts over and goes to work at Pac North and works hard to turn the place around with Alex and Owen. Then he loses his niece at Maggie’s hands. Then Catherine convinces herself he’s having an affair when he’s not and then just to spite him she buys Pac North out from under him and tries forces him to go back to work under her terms. And now that he’s finally back in the OR at Grey Sloan where he belongs on his own terms he’s developed a tremor in his hand. Which means he won’t be able to operate like he used to. This man never catches a break. Richard has screwed up in a lot of ways and made a lot of mistakes, but what I like about his character most is that he’ll go to any length to fix them and he has. If Catherine can’t see that it’s her loss.

I’ll be interested to see where they go with this storyline. I mean on the one hand Richard has been threatening to retire since Season 1 y’all! On the other hand a tremor is very serious and there’s no way after operating drunk and everything he’s been through that Richard would put his patients at risk like that again. I can see this going a number of ways. They might have him do a similar thing to what Ellis or Nicole Herman did which is continue to teach and train new doctors and lecture but not operate. Or they could have him straight up retire, but I feel like if they were going to do that they would wait until the end of the series. It’s possible this might be a set up for the end of Richard’s story next season.

I hope that he tells Meredith and Maggie what’s going on as they’ll definitely want to know and support him. I think Meredith will be devastated. Bailey will be too. I’ll be interested to see if that patient/resident shows up again. Maybe next season? No wonder Levi couldn't find her the whole episode. She was impersonating a doctor! On that note I think Levi and Nico are over. Levi wants more. He wants a relationship and Nico isn’t in a place to give him that right now. Levi back tracked because he panicked and didn’t want to lose him, but I think he knows deep down that they’re over. This is the beginning of the end.

We also got some more information on Alex in this episode. At the beginning Meredith texted him asking where he was and saying that she knew he wasn’t in Iowa. Later Hayes complained to Meredith about how his supposedly great co-chief had suddenly gone MIA and couldn’t even be bothered to show up for his former patient’s family. We find out that the little girl Cormac and Meredith are operating on is the sister of one of Alex’s old patients. Then at the end of the episode Jo is at home drinking alone when she hears someone at the door. Jo and the audience are made to think it’s Alex, but it’s not it’s Link.

We find out that Jo finally called Helen, Alex’s mother. It turns out he’s not there and he never was. Which means either he lied about where he was going or he was on his way to visit his Mom and something happened. Jo because of everything she’s been through panics. She tells Link that she thinks that Alex has left her. That he felt the need to escape his life and so he lied and just took off. But as everyone else has been telling her for weeks that’s not like Alex. Alex is not the kind of person who just walks away ever. And Meredith’s not buying it either which means something is definitely wrong.

There’s a lot of ways they could go with this storyline. I’ve been wondering why they didn’t do a big send off right away and I have a theory now. I’m thinking that maybe the reason they decided to draw it out was because they had to get a bunch of other storylines in place before writing him off. You can see very clearly where Alex was supposed to fit in the current storyline and in order to write him off they’ve had to adjust all of that and then set everything up for his departure. While we’ll never know for sure what those storylines would have been if Justin Chambers had stayed for the rest of the season here’s what I think would have happened. I think they wrote Alex being in Iowa to visit his Mom initially as a plot device.

Jo stealing that baby is only shocking if Alex isn’t there. I think the original plan was for Alex to come back and for them to adopt that baby or another child together. With Pac North being shut down we would have seen Alex come back to Grey Sloan with everyone else and Co-Chief with Hayes. We would have seen him join together with the rest of the gang and rise up against Koracick and join with Meredith and Richard to help Bailey through her miscarriage. I think he also would have been there for Maggie through what happened with Sabi and Amelia with what happened with Link.

I like to think that if Justin Chambers had stayed that Alex and Cormac would have become friends. Cristina sent him and Jo and Amelia like him and see a chemistry between him and Meredith. As Co-Chiefs they would spend a lot of time together and after an initial rocky start, I think they would have become friends. I’m sad that we’ll never get to see any of this, but I respect the right of an actor to move on. As for how they’re going to write Alex off I have a few theories. Theory 1, is that he was on his way to Iowa to visit his Mom when something happened. I’m guessing they might do something similar to Derek’s death where we’ll find out that he stopped at the scene of an accident to help people and died in the process.

Typically, when that happens the authorities would contact Jo or someone would have answered her or Meredith’s calls and texts by now. They could explain this by saying he got separated from his wallet and phone i.e. it was in the car that got wrecked or they found his body a distance away from the car. Theory 2, is that he did go visit his Mom in Iowa, but stopped on the way there to visit his siblings Aaron and Amber. Last we heard Alex had to have Aaron committed presumably to a facility somewhere in Iowa and Amber was doing okay and has a least one kid.

This could explain why he didn’t pick up Richard’s phone call but sent him an emoji response, but then went radio silent. That emoji text was the last in character response any of the characters got which makes me think that whatever happened to Alex happened after that. Maybe he was on a plane or driving so he was unable to pick up the call, but was able to send a quick text back. It’s also possible that one of his siblings has or had his phone. Maybe he went to visit Amber and he was in another room so she listened to the voicemail and responded for him. He talks about what a mess Pac North is all the time so it wouldn’t be that hard to respond for him.

Or maybe he set it down and Aaron picked it up. He was really unstable the last we heard so it makes sense that if he has or had the phone that the responses would be off. Of course, none of that explains why he hasn’t called the hospital or Meredith or Jo directly using someone else’s phone which leads me to believe that someone has happened. Last episode we saw Meredith text him and the ellipses text pop up and then disappear. It was implied that Alex started to respond, but then stopped. I think they’re faking us out here. Alex would never do that.

I’m guessing that someone else has his phone. It could be that something horrible has happened to him and that Amber has his phone and is trying to find the words to tell his wife and best friend that she’s never met that he’s gone. It could be no one has his phone and that it’s sitting in a plastic bag in a hospital or morgue somewhere and that someone hit it accidentally while transporting it. There are a lot of reasons why all of this could be the case, but Alex just abandoning his life after he called Meredith every day when she did the same thing is not one of them. There’s no way.

We find out in this episode that Link has apparently been sleeping in the Attending’s Lounge and forsaking hygiene as he’s worried about Amelia. Owen is still completely in the dark. Teddy realize that Amelia’s baby might be Owen’s and that a part of him will always be in love with Amelia and Cristina for that matter so decides to go back to Tom and make out with him in his hotel room instead. Maggie’s caught in the middle, but is handling it better than she did the first time around so that’s good!

And it looks like we are finally going to find out what happened to Alex next week! Oh my god! I’m not ready! I’m not ready people. Alex Karev is one of my favourite characters of all time! Right next to Cristina Yang! I love Cristina as a character because I identify with her so much. I love Alex as a character because he’s had the best most realistic growth and character development of any character ever! One of the things I love about him is that he stopped being an ass because he realized the women in his program were lapsing him and he needed to ditch the attitude if he wanted to succeed. In real life that’s how change actually happens and I love that they showed that.

The entire promo for next week is a clip show about Alex. It shows the opening scene from the pilot with Richard and all the interns. Meredith, Alex, Cristina, Izzie, and George AKA MAGIC hanging out in the tunnels. Alex becoming Interim Chief of Surgery of Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital. Scenes of Meredith and Alex and Cristina and Alex together. The disastrous dinner party where Penny showed up. Meredith helping Alex get ready for his trial. We see Meredith and Alex talking about being each other’s person after Cristina moved to Switzerland. Alex being there for Meredith after the attack. Alex being there for Bailey. Alex watching Jo go in for psychiatric treatment.

We hear Meredith’s phone call to Alex from Season 13, “They’re were five of us and now it’s just you and I and it can’t be just me.” The text reads ‘After 16 Seasons we’re saying goodbye to Dr. Alex Karev. See how his story ends.’ I’m not ready! The song that plays is ‘Say Something’ by A Great Big World and Christina Aguilera. The lines they use for the promo are all about love and how they’re sorry they couldn’t get to someone or reach them. Oh my god. Good lord. I’m already upset. And now I have that song stuck in my head gosh darnit!

Until next time!

[mediocre--writing]

Enough

Artist: @nanigram

Loki X OFC (Hale Njordottir)

Summary: Loki has finally been thwarted by the Avengers, but what happens when his wife, Odin’s right hand (wo)man, finds out?

Word Count: 3,707

Warnings: None but she kinda angsty but it’s got cute flashback fluff in there.

**This was posted on my other account previously

Pathetically, Loki crawled up the stairs, wobbly regaining his strength, turning slowly to see the six Avengers staring at him, each contributing a look, each one angrier than the one next to them.

Overall, Loki wasn’t having the best day now. Hawkeye was threatening him with his arrow, Black Widow was holding the scepter, and the others looked beyond intimidating, but his brother looked equal parts angry and amused at Loki’s situation.

“If it’s all the same to you,” Loki said, feeling the cuts on his face stretching and stinging as he talked. “I’ll have that drink now.”

They cuffed Loki, getting through the tower, leading both him and Thor down to an empty part of town where they would summon the Bifrost and go back to Asgard, where Loki would be questioned.

He was nervous, it was mostly a drunken haze for him, the tesseract having power over him that blinded his true intentions. One thing he knew wouldn’t go well, wasn’t the confrontation with his father and those in charge of what would happen to him in Asgard, but what Hale’s reaction would be.

His wonderful wife, quite similar to Thor in many ways: a strong, determined woman who didn’t take his shit, no matter the circumstance. She was their friend from childhood, her parents in charge of the royal guard, her grandmothers on both sides were Valkyries, and her parents being some of the strongest in Asgard.

Of course she would take after them, constant training to be as good as possible with each weapon she could find, and promising herself that if she ever lost a fight, she would be damned to Hell for eternity.

She took things too far sometimes, yes, but she was also one of the kindest, funniest people Loki had ever met, and with the personality she had, he thought she’d easily fall in love with his superrior brother, but they would constantly bump heads, never agreeing on anything. Loki and Hale were polar opposites, but they balanced one another, she made him more confident and adventurous and he made sure that she could relax every once and awhile. Though she didn’t rest much after he had disappeared months ago, but he was sure that she was aware of his presence now – and that terrified him to a great extent.

As they stood in the empty street, an odd place for them to be doing all of this, in Loki’s mind, they put the Tesseract into a safe container, then passed it over to Thor, who held that, along with Mjolnir, proudly.

Everything was going as planned, Loki was chained with handcuffs and had a muzzle on him (because he was making unnecessary comments) and Thor was done with his sassiness. The Avengers were all crowded around the brothers as Thor held the Tesseract and Mjolnir, ready to go back to Asgard.  

Before Thor could start the process of getting home, there was loud thunder-like noises coming from the sky, clouds exploding with blinding white light, which could only mean one thing, and that made a large grin appear on Thor’s face.

The others turned to Thor as if to ask if this was him, but when he smirked at them and they saw Loki’s terrified face, they couldn’t help but feel a bit more on edge, what could scare the God that destroyed New York? This couldn’t be that bad, could it?

Thor’s grip on Loki’s arm left as the “lightning” got brighter and closer, never leaving the clouds that weren’t there this morning.

After a final defaning crack that sounded like a large explosion, a silence loomed over the city, the clouds not leaving, but getting darker as a sword came crashing down, mere centimeters from Loki’s foot, causing the god to jump and move to the right as three more swords came down from the heavens, close to hitting him, but each time he moved to the right.

Finally, there was a single beam of white light that was so bright, it was blinding before a tall, muscular woman was standing in front of Loki, furious look on her face as she stared into his eyes.

The woman, Hale Njordottir, had long, intricately braided hair cascading down her back, a height that could rival Loki’s, standing a bit above six feet tall. She wore armor with a similar green, black, gold theme. She had black leather pants, which was uncommon for warriors such as herself, but she was the head of Asgardian Royal Family Protection since the Valkyries had gone away, so nobody questioned her. She also had golden armor on her torso up, then a green cape running down her back, intricate gold designs on the green fabric.

She held herself with courage and authority, and she had a stare that could rival Loki’s pissed off one. Her shoes, which were obviously made for combat, gave her a bit of height, therefore she was as tall as Loki and close to Thor’s height, letting her stare dead into Loki’s eyes. The wind caused both the baby hairs around her face and her cape to blow behind her, giving her a very magical look, but she was steaming with anger, pissed off at the God before her.

“Here we go,” Thor mumbled under his breath, loud enough for the scattered Avengers to hear it, a humorous tone to his voice, causing the woman to snap her head to the blond god of thunder.

“Do you want to be next, Odinson!?” It wasn’t a question, it was a threat, but it worked, Thor was quiet and the others were confused and a little concerned.

“Dead!” The blonde, armored woman, who was almost as tall as Loki, yelled as she straightened her posture, “We all thought you were gone, but no, you were here, messing up this perfectly fine planet.”

She wasn’t yelling, she was speaking at a normal tone of voice, but the way she spoke towards the man who almost destroyed all of New York City left a sense of fear to anyone listening.

Loki, who had been talking with his eyes since he had the muzzle, making expressions the whole time, was finally stunned to only looking down, no expression evident on his face.

“Look at me when I speak, you absolute asshole!”

Her outburst had frightened not only the Avengers but also Loki, who was now looking into her hazel eyes with his blue ones.

“Odin has requested that you have a painful death of his choosing, yet I have bargained him down to allow you to eternal imprisonment in the Asgardian Dungeons,” Hale spoke firmly, almost as though she had been practicing what she would say before, but she looked tired, her eyes didn’t shine the way they used to. She had an afterthought,  “You are to come home immediately, but let me do one thing before we leave for Asgard.”

Hale walked to where her line of swords were next to Loki that she had thrown from above, slipping them each into the sheath on her gold-plated armor, each one disappearing until the final one remained.  

When she reached the one closest to Loki, she placed it in its spot on her side, brushing invisible dust off her armor.

Looking him in the eye, she smiled slightly, before placing one hand on his cheek, making the tension lines on his forehead soften, his eyes getting gentler before she removed her hand, winding back her arm, then slapping him across the face so hard, he fell to his knees.

Snorting loudly at the action, Tony made eye contact with the blonde who was standing tall above the god of mischief, who looked quite embarrassed to be on the ground.

Hale, though she didn’t exactly want to slap him across the face, felt a weight lifted off her shoulders at the sight. Smirking, she turned to Thor, who was looking quite happy at his brother on the ground.

“You are to return to Asgard as well, your father wishes to speak with you.”

“Yes, Lady Hale.” Thor responded politely.

“And who are your friends, Thor?” Hale asked, eyeing Tony, who had chuckled at her previous actions.

“These are the ones who aided in taking down my brother.” Thor walked towards each of them as he spoke their names. “Tony Stark, the man of Iron. Doctor Banner, the monstrous green beast. Lady Natasha, the Black Widow. Steve Rogers, the Captain of America. And Clint Barton, who my brother thought to be a valuable addition to his team, but we’ve gotten him back, now haven’t we!”

“Well, I suppose a thank-you is in order,” Hale said as she approached each of the people, starting with the so-called man of Iron.

“You have all proved yourselves valuable warriors, and if on Asgard, would be rewarded with high titles and heaping amounts of gold.”

“I’m going to Asgard!”

“Tony, you’re already a billionaire, what more do you want?” The man who had been under the scepter’s power snarkily said to Tony, which earned mutual eye-rolls to the other.

“Lady Natasha, I respect you as well, dealing with each of these men must be hard, no?” Hale commented as she reached the ginger. “I have a man’s job on Asgard, being the Commander of the Legions of Asgard, I have to constantly make sure none of them are being stupid, or getting us all killed.”

Natasha snickered a bit at the comparison, though her job wasn’t nearly as extreme as the blonde’s was, it was still close.

“Very similar, yes.”

“Are you escorting us, Lady Hale, or shall I call for Heimdall?” Thor’s booming voice yelled from where he was standing.

“I will.”

Hale walked over to the brothers, pulling Loki from off the ground forcefully, holding his upper arm and grabbing Thor’s ear, since he was holding both his hammer and the Tesseract. She looked up, causing clouds to form and a bright beam to come down from the sky, encasing the trio as they went back to Asgard.

“We should really get her on the team, too.” Tony said as they all walked away, “I mean, she slapped a God so hard he couldn’t stand up until she pulled him up, with one arm, then grabbed Thor by his ear and dragged them back home. She’s great.”

“You’ve got a girlfriend,” Natasha said snarkily.

“I know!” Tony said with a voice crack, leading the rest of the team to chuckle as they all went their separate ways.

As they got back to Asgard, Loki was properly contained by the Asgardian Army, then was led down the halls of the castle, multiple guards standing both next to and behind him, Hale standing in front, leading them to the throne room for Loki’s sentencing.

The shackles that kept Loki contained rattled as they walked, Loki looking more confident then he should be, given his current situation.

The guards stationed at the door opened them as Hale and the others walked through, now facing Odin, who sat proudly on his throne, and Frigga, who stood shamefully beside him.

Once coming to a halt, Hale went to stand on the second step that led to the throne, an equal distance between her duty and her priority.

“Loki,” Frigga said, playing with her hands as Loki turned towards her, rattling his chains.

“Hello, Mother,” The smile on his face was only there to hide his true fears, “Have I made you proud?”

“Please, don’t make this worse.” Frigga begged, continuing to play with her hands as she looked into the eyes of Loki, her beloved son, whether he was truly hers or not, she would love him forever.

“Define worse.” Loki joked.

“Enough!” Odin said, drawing all the attention to him. Hale, who was once staring straight ahead, turned to face the king, bowing her head slightly. “I will speak to the prisoner alone!”

Frigga walked away, the clicking of her heels echoed in the large room. Hale stood with a straight back, one hand on the grip of her sword and the other by her side.

After walking forward and obnoxiously clicking his heels together in an effort to make more noise, Loki stopped in front of both Odin and his wife before chuckling.

“I really don’t see what the fuss is about,”

“Do you not truly feel the gravity of your crimes?” Odin asked, “Wherever you go there is war, ruin, and death.”

“I went down to Midgard to rule the people of Earth as a benevolent god.” Loki explained as if it were a simple situation, “Just like you.”

“We are not gods,” Odin shook his head.

He was right, they weren’t gods, not in any sense, they died just like everyone else, and that didn’t justify what happened in the slightest, but there was something wrong. Loki’s eyes were hazy and glazed over.

He was stumbling around and not a sharp as he once was, he was drained physically, which was expected, he had been through quite the day, but he was fucked up in the head one way or another, and Hale didn’t know how.

This wasn’t the Loki she knew. The Loki she knew would lay in bed and read a book over her head on his chest for an hour after he woke up and she continued dozing off when he knows that she had a rough day previously.

The Loki she knew would walk through the gardens beside her as they made fun of the ridiculous statues that were broken or ugly and considered “amazing” architecture, even though they were awfully ugly. He would find a way to insert her into every conversation he was having, even if she wasn’t there – especially if she wasn’t there. He would grab her hand when he felt stressed out when with his family or at an event that had too many people.

He would let her braid his hair when they would settle in for the night, knowing that the way his hair felt on her fingers was more soothing than anything he could say. He was able to just barely glance at her through the corner of his eye and know immediately if she needed him.

Her Loki was bitter, petty, and a dramatic bitch, but he would never destroy an entire planet and all life that came with it because of the ongoing tension with his father. And if this is who he really was, then she married a different person because her Loki hid with her after their wedding ceremony in their room so they could avoid talking to people for as long as possible, they weren’t being scandalous, just sitting together smiling at each other.

Meanwhile, Odin continued to talk back and forth with Loki, before they began yelling, which is when Hale decided to tune back into the conversation at hand.

“If I am for the axe, then for mercy’s sake, just swing it,” Loki said, making Hale’s heart skip a beat. “It’s not that I don’t love our little talks, it’s just… I don’t love them.”

Odin sat back in his seat. Hale, the one responsible for all the executions that would proceed in Asgard, had made it more than clear that she wasn’t going to kill Loki, no matter if it got herself killed as well, and Odin knew that.

“Frigga and Hale are the only reason you are still alive and you will never see either again,” Odin said, making Loki’s head slowly rise as their eyes connected. Hale looked between both men as she fought to stand quietly at his punishment, moving only her eyes as her head screamed at her just to make sure this didn’t happen. “You will spend the rest of your days in the dungeons.”

“And what of Thor?” Loki asked after being yanked backwards by guards, still taken aback by the sentence he would serve, never seeing the only two people who ever cared about him ever again. “You’ll make that witless oaf king while I rot in chains?”

“Thor, while he would be an extraordinary king, is second in line for the throne, Hale would take my place, may fate have it.” Moving to stare straight ahead towards the wall, Hale made no comment, feeling, and avoiding, Loki’s eyes as they studied her and sent a rude message her way. “She knows how I rule and will bring order to the nine realms and then, yes. She will be queen.”

The guards grabbed a shocked Loki by the shoulders and pulled him away to the dungeons, letting him look behind to watch as his beautiful wife, the only thing that had never failed him in life, was standing like a statue, though her hand was shaking by her side, something he knew only happened when she was overwhelmed.

He wanted to reach out and hold her hand, tell her that it was his fault, let her think he was horrible just so she wouldn’t worry, so she wouldn’t feel for him on the other side of the bed in the mornings, then realize he’s not there like he should’ve been.

The only thing he wished for was one more moment with her, a last hug, a last kiss, a proper goodbye, but he didn’t get any of it. He was yanked down the stairs and the doors closed behind him with a slam, separating him from the only person who shared the love he had for her.

“Permission to be excused, my King?” Hale asked as she heard the door slam, her voice on the edge of wavering, but keeping statue-like posture and a steady voice, something she took pride in learning how to perfect throughout the years.

Odin looked at her, studying her for a moment, “You shall not use your privileges to fraternize with the prisoner, do you understand?”

Odin was referring to her ability to freely walk through the dungeons, in and out of cells, and go anywhere in the castle with no penalty, which came with being second to the king. And those words hurt, but what hurt worse was him using the word “prisoner.”

Not “My son,” not “Your husband,” not “Loki,” he was only “prisoner” now.

“Yes, my King.”

“Then you may be excused, Lady Hale,” Odin said with a wave of his hand. “And watch where you step, dear. There could be traps anywhere.”

Taking his words with her, she walked through the throne room and out the door with the clicking of her boots, opening the door for herself and going to her chambers, the ones she used to share with Loki.

Once going through the large palace, she finally reached the room, the large golden doors taunting her as she knew that he could never be behind them waiting for her, he could never come through them as she was lying on the bed in order to tell her exciting news or flaunt a new trick he’d learned.

Pulling at the golden doors, she walked to the large bed, feeling the weight lift off her shoulders as she felt silent tears roll down her face, now comforted that nobody would be seeing her at such a weak spot.

She began taking off her armor, swapping it for some Midgardian clothes Thor thought that she’d like. Pulling on the sweat pants and large T-Shirt and walking to the washroom, she began splashing her face with water, getting the grime from the day off before walking back into the bedroom.

Now silently sobbing, she grabbed at the soft, fuzzy, folded green blanket at the end of the bed that still smelled like Loki, curling herself into it.

She inhaled deeply, getting memories shooting into her brain as she closed her eyes and let the tears roll down her face. The pine smell on the blanket that came off Loki when he would train outside, the soft vanilla that came with his hair, and the mix of something else that was just… Loki.

Her blonde hair had come out of its braids somewhere between changing and washing her face, now sprawling itself on the bed as tears clouded her vision further, making her grip the blanket tighter and tighter, then letting out a heart-wrenching sob.

Though he did kill multiple people, she couldn’t help but remain loyal to him, continuing to love him as he loved her, strongly and without hesitation.

Her vision began clearing up, so she looked around the room, trying to get her mind off of her sadness when she saw his shining, gold, horned helmet sitting on the dresser that she hadn’t noticed earlier.

Standing, she wrapped the blanket around her shoulders as she went to the dresser to run her hand across the helmet.

She chuckled, though he was off conquering planets, she bet he looked adorable in it nonetheless. The helmet was funny looking on him when she had first seen it, but it grew on Hale, she loved it one him, it made him look adorable, like a scary little kitten.

No matter what he did, whether he killed others or was trying to make an entire planet extinct, she always found him just lovely – I mean, have you seen that jawline?

Though still teary-eyed, Hale continued running her fingers along the helmet, eventually picking it up so she could put it on the bedside table, but somehow – mysteriously – it made its way into her grasp as she swaddled herself in the green blanket once again and laid down, dreaming of a life where he wasn’t a prince and she wasn’t Odin’s right hand man, where they could be happy, alone, in a small house, with maybe a kid or two.

But that was imaginary, she wouldn’t be able to live alone with him, and they surely weren’t going to have children, but she could keep her dreams and longing with her. And though the dreams couldn’t replace him, they were enough for now, enough to lull her to sleep, basking in his scent still on the blanket and the helmet that made her remember how lovely he looked at their wedding.

It was enough.

[earlybird820]

Widow Maker

On the third and final drive to the hospital that fateful Tuesday night, my boyfriend, Rob, reached for my hand and squeezed. I began to cry. For my sister, Jenna, for my niece, Olivia, for my unborn baby niece who Jon would never hold, for Jon’s parents, John and Ann Marie, and for me. Jon was more than a brother-in-law to me, he had become my protective big brother over the years. Our mutual love for Jenna and Olivia had especially bonded us.

Jon had had a massive heart attack at home early Monday morning and had been rushed to the hospital. After coding several times on the operating table, the surgeon was finally able to stabilize him with a stent. According to his doctor, his left ventricle was 100 percent blocked with plaque and the blood was not able to pump as it should which caused the ventricle to burst leading to cardiac arrest. I didn’t know it at the time, but this type of heart attack is often referred to as a “widowmaker.”

When my family and I were first led back to the ICU on Monday, we were shocked at what lay before us. Jon was hooked up to tubes that seemed to be coming from everywhere, machines beeping and whirring continuously, punctuating the silence. In an induced coma, Jon was just a shell of the man he was before. My brother-in-law, the man with the boisterous laugh and heart of gold, now had machines breathing for him and pumping his broken heart.

For two days, friends and family took turns sitting with Jon, holding his limp, cold hand. Some of us simply sat in silence at his bedside, while others talked to him, hoping he could hear them. On Tuesday morning, I, along with my mom and dad, went back to visit him. I sat on his left side holding his hand, my mom and dad across from me. My mom began to speak to him. I can’t remember exactly what all she said, but I distinctly remember her saying, “Today is Tuesday, December 13th. Olivia is exactly 2 years and 5 months old today.” My dad adding, “You gotta pull through buddy; Jenna and the girls need you.”

I said nothing. I sat silently, my mind racing through all the things I wanted to say. How much I appreciated him taking me into his home three years prior, so I could start a new life. How much I loved him for being a wonderful husband to my sister and an even better father to my niece. How much I treasured him for always looking out for me and wanting the best for me. But I couldn’t turn those thoughts into spoken words. I believed that I would be able to tell him all those things when he woke up.

Later that afternoon we received good news from one of Jon’s doctors: “He is not completely out of the woods yet, but his vitals are improving slightly which is a step in the right direction.” We hung all of our hopes on those words.

Deciding it would be beneficial for Jenna to leave the hospital for a couple of hours, we picked Olivia up from daycare early and drove back to her house. Just as we were about to sit down to eat dinner, Jenna’s phone rang. Jon had gone into cardiac arrest again and the doctors were trying to re-stabilize him.

The drive back to the hospital felt like the longest drive of my life. When we finally reached the ICU waiting room, it was full of Jon’s family and friends—many of whom had red, puffy eyes. Fearing Jon had passed and that I didn’t get to say goodbye, I began to sob. One of Jon’s friends reassured me, telling me the doctors had been able to stabilize him but wanted to speak to the entire family in an hour. That hour was agonizing. My sister lay on a couch in the waiting room curled into a fetal position, her entire body racking with sobs. My mom gently lifted her head into her lap and stroked her hair, my dad crouched beside her and squeezed her hand, and I placed her legs in my lap and hugged them, as if by cocooning her inside our love, we might shield her from the inevitable pain.

Finally, we were led back to the ICU to see Jon. The damage from the most recent cardiac arrest was clearly visible. His whole body was bloated from the buildup of fluids in his failing organs. A mixture of blood and some other clear liquid continuously leaked slowly from his nose. My mom grabbed a Kleenex and tenderly wiped the fluid away.

The doctor entered the room. He was not the same one we had spoken to earlier. His words were also not as gentle.

“It took 45 minutes to get him stabilized again. His organs are failing from cardiogenic shock and we believe he is brain dead due to lack of oxygen to the brain. He is no longer salvageable.”  

Yes, the doctor used the word “salvageable” as though Jon were some household appliance and not a husband, father, son, grandson, brother, nephew, cousin, friend.

The sound of wailing permeated the room.

Ann Marie turned to John, “Why is this happening to us? Why? Why? Why? Both our sons. Why?” They had lost their only other child just six years prior in a fatal car accident. He was only 24 years old.

All John could say was, “I don’t know, I don’t know.”

They held each other and wept.

My sister, six-months pregnant, lay herself across Jon’s chest, her round belly protruding underneath her. She kissed his face—his lips, his forehead, his cheeks, his eyelids. She whispered, “It’s okay baby, you can go. It’s okay. I love you.”

One by one, all his family and friends came in to say goodbye as we waited to remove him from life support. I watched, with tears streaming down my face, as my mom continued to wipe the fluid from Jon’s nose every few minutes.

A little after midnight the doctor came back in to say it was time. All Jon’s friends left the room as the family gathered around him to say our final goodbyes. At 12:29am on December 14, 2016, Jon took his final breath. He was only 33 years old.

When I awoke the next morning, I thought for a split second that Jon’s death was all a bad dream. But that reprieve did not last long. The wave of reality and grief came crashing down and swept it away. I lay there crying while Rob silently held me tight. I wished he could have held me forever, but I knew that my sister needed me, so I broke the embrace and wiped my tears.

While Jenna, her in-laws, and my parents were away making funeral arrangements, Jon’s Aunt Mary Kay, Rob, and I stayed with Olivia and hosted the revolving visitors who brought food and items for the funeral. Later that evening I helped my sister pick out music for the picture slideshow that would be displayed at the funeral home. I never realized how many songs had been written about death and losing loved ones until then.

The next several days were a whirlwind as we made the last arrangements, attended the funeral home visitation, and the funeral ceremony. With the constant coming and going of visitors paying their respects, the full extent of Jon’s absence had not yet hit us. It wasn’t until everyone else went on with their lives and routines, that the quiet set in. Jon had a big personality and an infectious laugh, and it broke my heart to realize that I would never again hear that laugh.

One day after Jenna had picked Olivia up from daycare, she began to cut up strawberries for Olivia—something that Jon would always do. With a hitch in her voice and tears welling in her eyes, she said, “I can’t do this, Jon always did this.” My mom took over while Jenna retreated to her room, sobbing.

My mom was a blessing during those difficult days. She was retired and able to stay with my sister for months at a time. I know this could not have been easy on her and my dad, who had to stay home, an hour and a half away, for work. They barely got to see each other, though my dad would make the drive down whenever he could.

As for me, I settled into a routine of going to my sister’s after a full day of work, helping out around the house in whatever way I could until 10 or 11pm, and then making the 40-minute drive home every night. My boyfriend, Rob, had just signed up for the Army National Guard a few months before Jon’s death and he had shipped out to bootcamp in Missouri a month after Jon’s funeral. For three long months the only correspondence I had with him was through writing letters, which would take up to two weeks to receive a response. I missed Jon terribly, and I also missed my boyfriend. Under different circumstances, I would have been able to lean on my sister and talk about how much I missed Rob, but it would have been selfish for me to do so now. Rob’s absence was only temporary, Jon’s was permanent.

At the funeral, many people had said to me, “It’s up to you now to take care of your sister and the girls,” “Jenna is going to need you more than ever,” “You need to be strong for them.” I felt that if I broke down in front of my sister, I would be failing her somehow. Yet the more I was around her and Olivia, the more deeply I felt Jon’s absence. I would save my grief for my drive home each night, crying the entire way.

That year, Valentine’s Day fell exactly two months after Jon’s death. I was expecting it to be a shitty day since I wouldn’t be able to spend it with Rob and because it was a reminder of how much time had passed since Jon died. About two hours into my work day, I received a flower delivery; Rob had planned the month before to have them delivered. When I arrived at my sister’s later that night and told her about the flowers, she said, “That’s nice,” before welling up and adding, “I had to spend my Valentine’s Day at the cemetery to visit my husband.” I cried myself to sleep that night.

On February 28th, 2017 Jenna went into labor. My mom and I were in the delivery room. As I witnessed my niece, Layla, being born I was overcome with bittersweet emotions. Joy at the sight of this perfect, tiny angel, and grief that Jon wasn’t there to meet his little girl. I could not save those emotions for later, I let them pour out of me, bawling as my sister held her daughter for the first time.

Layla’s arrival was the turning point in my family’s journey to healing. Though Olivia certainly brought joy to us all as well, there was something about this new life after a tragic loss that gave us hope.

Layla just turned two years old last week and my sister’s house was full of family and friends that have surrounded her with love and support over the past two years.

Olivia, who reminds us so much of Jon, will start kindergarten this fall. She still remembers her daddy and talks about him on occasion. Jenna takes her to Ele’s Place once a week where she participates in activities with other children who have lost a parent.

Jenna has recently started dating again and though she will always grieve her husband, she is allowing herself to be happy and find love again.

Jon’s parents live close by and they pick the girls up from daycare twice a week and spend the evening with them. John takes Olivia with him to the car wash once a week, which is something Jon used to do with her.

My parents still visit often, but my mom no longer has to be away from my dad for extended periods of time. They take the girls one weekend a month to give my sister a little time to herself.

Rob and I bought a house about a 10-minute drive from my sister’s, so I could be closer to her and my nieces. I went back to school about a year after Jon passed because I knew that both he and my sister had always wanted me to finish my degree; my big brother wanting the best for me. I will graduate at the end of June with honors. I like to think that he would have been proud of me.

Jenna and Jon on their wedding day.

My first photo with Jon as his sister-in-law.

Jon and his mom, Ann Marie, at his wedding.

Jenna and Jon on their honeymoon in Aruba.

Jon, Jenna, and newborn daughter Olivia.

Jon holding his newborn daughter, Olivia.

Jon and a sleepy Olivia.

Jon giving Olivia a horseback ride.

The day Layla was born. Photos of Jon are taped to the bedpost.

Jenna and her two beautiful girls, Olivia and Layla.

[tenmillionotters]

Sleepwalking

Rating: Mature

Pairing: Kaneki Ken/Kirishima Touka, Sasaki Haise/Kirishima Touka

Character:  Kirishima Touka, Kankeki Ken, Sasaki Haise, Marude Itsuki, Washuu-Furuta Souta

Word count: 1694

Chapter: 2/3

Additional information: Human AU, Pregnancy, Parent-Child Relationship, Parenthood, Slow Burn, Mutual Pining, Friends to Lovers

After not needing therapy in years, Touka returns to the ‘Lighthouse’ to seek help after the loss of the two people who meant the most to her, but the past isn’t something she can easily bury, it’s still alive and breathing, always around.

Read on AO3 or under the cut

Buy me a coffee

“You didn’t come alone today, did you?”

His features had softened a bit since the last time they saw, he looked so relaxed, it seemed like married life was something he truly enjoyed, there had been a time when she was just like that too, “He wanted to tag along… he’s worried about me, but he couldn’t really tell what I was going to do here.”

“Well, I hope that he is aware that I won’t be able to tell him anything about you, that’s confidential. … but on the topic of Haise, I would like you to tell me more about your relationship,” Dr Marude made a gesture to let Touka know she should speak up, maybe something he picked up on the studies abroad.

“What is there to tell… we live together, he is… friendly to me, but I just can’t bring myself to… open up to him, there is something about him I just can’t stand, it makes me angry it appals me,” did she really feel so disgusted by him? “It’s not because he’s a bad person or anything, no it’s me -”

“Touka,” he sighed and leaned forward, looking into her eyes with a stern but sincere expression, “None of this is your fault. It’s only natural to react like that considering what Haise symbolises to you, it wasn’t an easy transgression… from grieving your husband's death and the miscarriage… to taking care of a total stranger. If you allow me to tell you my honest opinion on the matter…”

“Sure, go ahead…”

“... let him go, this isn’t right for either of you,” the words were so softly spoken, drenched in compassion and worry, he understood her not only because he had to, but because he cared for her.

“But I-”, she knew he was right, without a doubt, of course he knew what he was talking about, but why did it hurt so bad? Just the thought of letting him go? “I can’t live with him but I also can’t let him go - he’s all that’s left of …”

How many hours had already passed with her just crying trying to figure out what to do next, while he was just sitting in his chair, watching her, letting her cry in peace? This place created such a warm and welcoming environment, it wasn’t as warm as a home or as safe… but it radiated this calm sense of compassion, it was okay to cry here, nobody would ever know.

“... thank you…,” Touka vibed over her eyes and glanced at the clock, “... see you next week?”

“I am sure Souta can find a spot for you, … Touka, what I said earlier, the decision is yours but please do what is best for you, not for him. Sometimes you have to be selfish in order to protect yourself,” Itsuki sighed and placed his hand on her shoulder, “I know you’re strong, but you need to rest too.”

“... thank you…,” there was nothing she could say, she knew he was right, he knew what he was talking about but he also knew how stubborn she was, oh so stubborn.

“Doctor!”, Haise jumped up and dropped the magazine he was reading, the noise came to much displeasure of the receptionist Souta and the cat, his assistant receptionist, who both exchanged questioning and annoyed looks, “I’m sorry - it’s so good to finally meet you! I’m Sasaki Haise, I am Touka’s roommate.” He bowed deeply and then smiled warmly at the man.

“The pleasure’s mine, I’m Marude Itsuki… as you already know Miss Kirishima’s doctor,” it sent a shiver down Touka’s spine to hear him talk like that again, he sounded so formal and distant, well… of course he did, he didn’t know Haise personally.

“Thank you for taking such good care of my Tou- … Miss Kirishima,” he bowed again and then started to search for his car keys blindly, “I-I I’ll be waiting in the c-car Touka.”

They quietly watched him leave before Itsuki turned to Touka, “... so that’s him, huh?” He wouldn’t mention the slip, why should he? It would only do more harm than good anyway.

“Yeah…,” her mouth felt numb, as if her tongue was swollen and heavy, she walked over to Souta and smiled tired, “I need an appointment for next week…” While he was busy checking the calendar she took the time to pat the friendly black cat, “Hey there Kimchi…” The little guy purred pleased and rubbed his head against Touka’s hand.

“Is Wednesday at 7 pm okay?”, a few strains of long black hair feel into his face as he tilted his head waiting for an reply.

“Yes, that’s fine with me,” even though she always set a reminded in her phone, she let Souta press a small piece of paper into the palm of her hand, “Thank you. Sorry for making you wait again. Good night.”

“Good night, Touka-chan!”, Souta waved lightly, but he noticed that his brother-in-law didn’t respond at all, “Itsuki, is everything okay?”

“... what do you think about the two of them, do you think this will end… well?”

“You know, I only wish the best for Touka-chan,” he lowered his gaze and stared at his hands, “But when I am honest I don’t think this whole ordeal will have a happy end. The world doesn’t work like that… sadly. No matter how much you love someone, sometimes they’re just out of touch, no matter how close…”

“Mhm… now, enough of that let’s go home, your brother is waiting for us,” maybe he shouldn’t have asked something like that in first place, the poor kid had enough worries already.

Touka’s steps were light as she ran down the stairs, she didn’t want it to end, she didn’t want to see Haise right now, if she could she would have asked him to leave on his own and then she’d just spent the night somewhere else, maybe at the docks in the harbor, all by herself… but she couldn’t do that, she couldn’t stay away from him for too long.

Haise threw his head back and sighed, why did he say something like that infront of an audience…? His Touka? His? What in the world got into him? Should he apologise for that…? It wasn’t appropriate of him to say something like that especially not considering that he was talking about a widow.

… but most of all, he didn’t have a right to speak of her like that when he was the one who rejected her months ago; could he blame himself for it though? Probably not. He barely knew her and her advances were overwhelming, but telling her that he didn’t even have an idea who she was seemed to have made a switch turn in her mind, she got distant, she apologised to him. Now he missed it, her kindness, her warmth, he was just scared to be a replacement for her dead husband, but Touka wasn’t a person like that… and now there was no way to ever go back, or…?

“Sorry that I made you wait,” Touka sat down and fixed her shirt, “Are you hungry? We can drop by an fastfood place, whatever you feel like… I don’t want to cook tonight. I just want to eat and then sleep.”

“... y-yeah, we can just get some KFC…”

Was something wrong? This wasn’t like Haise at all, but then again, she wasn’t in the place to ask any questions. It was none of her business, she was nothing but a stranger to him after all.

“Do you want to watch a movie…?”, it took him a while to speak up, but when he finally did it felt like a burden was lifted off him at the same time his anxiety kicked in, what would she think of him now?

“I am not in the mood to hang out,” Touka laughed and sighed, “Maybe tomorrow, I can ask my friends if they’d like to join, we could all go to the movies and spend some time in the city afterwards, only if you want to of course.”

“Sure! Sounds great…,” so much for the idea of making it a romantic date, yeah sure… as if she’d ever spend time with him alone out of her own free will; it was a start though, wasn’t it? “I’m looking forward to it.”

“Me too,” the aspect of not having to endure it alone was what gave her enough strength to stomach the thought that she’d be alone with him, “Wait… what… day is it tomorrow?”

“Tuesday… Oh! You… meant the date, the 23rd why?”, was it some kind of special day; did he miss something?

“... I am sorry, but I think we can’t go to the movies tomorrow…”

Every 23rd of the month was somewhat dreadful to her, but this one was especially bad. It only marked another year she had to live without the love of her life and their child, she still remembered the night that her husband's colleagues were standing in front of her door, pale and shaking. Their eyes were swollen, red and filled with despair, she knew what they were going to say but she didn’t want to hear it.

No apology, no explanation, nothing would ever be able to heal the pain she felt in the moment they told her that the operation failed. Ken wouldn’t come back to her, never again. She remembered that everything went blank, but she heard that she went berserk, she screamed and cried, woke up in a hospital with a hollow feeling in her stomach.

The numbness spread through her entire body, consumed her. They said they’re sorry, but they have bad news about the baby, she knew it already, oh God, why did they have to say it? “It’s gone, it’s dead isn’t it?”, she laughed after saying it, oh the irony, in that night she not only lost her husband but also her child.

“Let’s go out some other time Haise…,” it was merely a whisper, she let her fingers trace the marks the rain left on the car window on this clear and warm night.

[vitanitf]

PHYSICAL !!

1. Describe the character’s height and build. Is she heavyset, thin, short, rangy? She’s thin, or I would put it as athletic. She’s 5′4, so she’s kind of small to be so intimidating. 2. How old is she? Eighteen. 3. Describe her posture. Does she carry herself well or does she slouch? She walks with her back straight and her head held high. 4. How is her health? Is she fit or out of shape? Any illnesses or conditions? Any physical disabilities? Hella fit. She works out a lot, so there’s no way you’re ever going to find her without a six pack. 5. How does she move? Is she clumsy, graceful, tense, fluid? Graceful. Easy. But sharp. Like she’s cutting through the air with every step she takes. 6. How attractive is this character physically? How does she perceive herself in the mirror? If Vitani needed to dress up to stun information out of someone, she would do it, but otherwise she doesn’t think about it. When she looks in the mirror, she doesn’t want to see beauty. She wants to see strength. 7. Describe her complexion. Dark, light, clear, scarred? She is biracial but light-skinned. Her skin is very smooth, which must just be good genes considering she has never done a beauty ritual in her life. 8. Describe her hair: color, texture, style. Brown. At the moment my assumption is that it looks like this. It has been both shorter* and longer*, but she found long hair just got in the way. Naturally her hair is curly* but she often keeps it straight because it’s easier to manage. Another perk to having short hair. 9. What color are her eyes? Dark brown. 10. Does the character have any other noteworthy features? She has a mole by her nose and one on her neck that are often visible. Other than that I would say maybe the obsessive amount of dark eye makeup she wears. 11. What are her chief tension centers? Definitely her shoulders. 12. What is the character’s wardrobe like? Casual, dressy, utilitarian? Bright colors, pastels, neutrals? Is it varied, or does he/she have six of the same suit? Badass. Think biker girl outfits. Leather jackets, white tees, gray tank tops, ripped jeans, silver chokers, heavy black boots, fingerless leather gloves from time to time. Dark eyeliner. Blood red nails, occasionally lipstick to match. It’s intimidating. She’s not a colorful dresser. 13. Do her clothes fit well? Does she seem comfortable in them? She’s very comfortable in them. The way she dresses makes her feel powerful. 14. Does she dress the same on the job as she does in her free time? If not, what are the differences? She’s not going to dress for anyone but herself. Her outfits vary depending on the weather -- she isn’t about to wear a leather jacket when it’s eighty degrees out -- but otherwise, her style is consistent. 15. You knew it was coming: Boxers, briefs or commando? She’s definitely a boxers kind of girl.

SPEECH !!

1. What does this character’s voice sound like? High-pitched, deep, hoarse? She basically sounds like Ashley**. She has a very sweet, childish voice. Fairly hoarse. Anyone that overheard Vitani speaking might think she was innocent because of the way she sounds. They would be wrong. 2. How does she normally speak? Loud, soft, fast, evenly? Does she talk easily, or does she hesitate? She talks easily and evenly. She has no problem raising or lowering her volume if the situation calls for it. 3. Does the character have a distinct accent or dialect? Any individual quirks of pronunciation? Any, like, you know, verbal tics? She uses pet names to patronize quite a bit. Things like love, sweetie, princess, baby girl, honey, doll. She also swears at any given chance. 4. What language/s does she speak, and with how much fluency? Fluent English and only the little bit of Spanish she's learned in school. 5. Does she switch languages or dialects in certain situations? No. If she’s seriously pissed she might not speak as correctly, using “nothing” in place of of ��anything” (ex: my parents aren’t afraid of nothin’) or throwing in an “ain’t” but otherwise she sounds about the same. 6. Is she a good impromptu speaker, or does she have to think about her words? Impromptu. 7. Is she eloquent or inarticulate? Under what circumstances might this change? Eloquent. Even when she’s angry, she is usually calm and collected.

MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL !!

1. How intelligent is this character? Is she book-smart or street-smart? Vitani is fairly smart when it comes to schoolwork, enough to pass all of her classes with better than decent grades, but she’s especially street-smart. She had to be. 2. Does she think on her feet, or does she need time to deliberate? On her feet. 3. Describe the character’s thought process. Is she more logical, or more intuitive? Idealistic or practical? I would say both. Her logic is clouded by hatred and pride but she is smart enough not to make spontaneous decisions that will come back to bite her... usually. 4. What kind of education has the character had? She is a high school senior. That’s it as of right now. 5. What are her areas of expertise? What, if anything, is she interested in learning more about? Hurting people. Weapons. I don’t know, man. She’d rather be out of school and working for a living. 6. Is she an introvert or an extrovert? More of an introvert, but she mostly just hates people. 7. Describe the character’s temperament. Is she even-tempered or does she have mood swings? Cheerful or melancholy? Laid-back or driven? Oh, she’s driven alright. It’s hard to call them mood swings because she’s always in the same hateful mood but Kiara can really push her buttons. She drives her one step closer to snapping. She’s angry so often that she’s a calm angry, but definitely too easily set off. 8. How does she respond to new people or situations? Is she suspicious, relaxed, timid, enthusiastic? Bored. Alert. She’s always surveying people. You never know what information you may need to use against them in the future. 9. Is she more likely to act, or to react? Act. Or react vengefully. 10. Which is her default: fight or flight? Fight with a capital F. 11. Describe the character’s sense of humor. Does she appreciate jokes? Puns? Gallows humor? Bathroom humor? Pranks? She's sadistic. Her humor is terrible. She laughs over people getting injured or creepy death jokes. I don't want to understand what goes on in her mind. 12. Does the character have any diagnosable mental disorders? If yes, how does she deal with them? Nope. 13. What moments in this character’s life have defined her as a person? Many of the most defining moments were seemingly unimportant ones with her mother. All of the things that she said, bad things about the Santucci family and comments about being a strong woman, they went straight to Vitani’s head. She bought into it all. Had she been raised by another person, she would have turned out to be vastly different. Kovu betraying the family was no doubt the most defining at all. That was the last thing to turn any little bit of warmth left in her eyes ice cold. Any chances of her redemption are long gone now, and she’s willing to put all of the blame on him no matter how unfair that may be. 14. What does she fear? I honestly don't believe Vitani knows fear. 15. What are her hopes or aspirations? To watch Kiara die. To be a respected and feared leader, to follow in the footsteps of her mother. 16. What is something she doesn’t want anyone to find out about her? That she’s human. That she does have feelings, deep down, way way deep down, underneath that stone exterior.

RELATIONSHIPS !!

1. Describe the character’s relationship with her parents. Her father was never in the picture. It’s only been her mother for as long as she can remember, and she knows she doesn’t love her. The feeling is mutual. She doesn’t need love. As a young child she was envious over the way that Kovu got all the credit, the way he was favored, but none of that matters anymore. She has proven her worth, and she will continue to prove her worth. She does want her mother to be proud of her and she’ll do whatever it takes. 2. Does the character have any siblings? What is/was their relationship like? Not good, pal. Not good. She used to be close to Kovu, but these days she’s out for his blood. And Nuka, well, he’s just right pitiful. She doesn't care to associate with him. 3. Are there other blood relatives to whom she is close? Are there ones she can’t stand? Every member of The Outsiders are family, related or not. That is where her loyalty lies. 4. Are there other, unrelated people whom she considers part of his family? What are her relationships with them? See above. 5. Who is/was the character’s best friend? How did they meet? At one point she would have considered Kovu her best friend. Now she has no one. 6. Does she have other close friends? Nah fam. 7. Does she make friends easily, or does she have trouble getting along with people? It may have something to do with the fact that she is likely to threaten to rip peoples heads off for minor inconveniences, but she is not so great at making friends. She doesn't want to anyway. 8. Which does she consider more important: family or friends? Family. 9. Is the character single, married, divorced, widowed? Has she been married more than once? Single. 10. Is she currently in a romantic relationship with someone other than a spouse? She doesn’t even want one romantic relationship. You won’t find her juggling two. 11. Who was her first crush? Who is her latest? Some boy in middle school. She hasn't allowed herself to crush on anyone since. 12. What does she look for in a romantic partner? She doesn’t. 13. Does the character have children? Grandchildren? If yes, how does she relate to them? If no, does she want any? No, and she doesn't particularly want any. In next gen verse she does have a son and she is a surprisingly good mother. Not great. But good. 14. Does she have any rivals or enemies? Ha. Haha. Hahaha. 15. What is the character’s sexual orientation? Where does she fall on the Kinsey scale? Bisexual. Probably a 3 or a 4. She finds more females physically attractive but there's plenty of male eye candy out there too. 16. How does she feel about sex? How important is it to her? She’s definitely more open to sex than relationships. She doesn’t see it as this deep meaningful thing. There’s no shame in some good, no strings attached sex once awhile. 17. What are her turn-ons? Turn-offs? Weird bedroom habits? Her turn-ons are neck kissing, pain. She’s lowkey kinky. Whips, chains, handcuffs. You know. She marks people’s chests and backs with her nails. Those scratches won’t go away for awhile. Whoever she is with can also expect to leave with a few hickeys. Just don’t go spouting about feelings or she’s out of there.

BELIEFS !!

1. Do you know your character’s astrological (zodiac of choice) sign? How well does she fit type? She’s a Leo. Ironic, right? Leos are known to be passionate leaders, stubborn, independent yet loyal, confident, brave and inflexible. But they are also said to be generous, lazy, cheerful, warmhearted and humorous with a taste for wealth. So it isn’t a perfect fit, but I’d say it’s as close as you’ll find for her. 2. Is this character religious, spiritual, both, or neither? How important are these elements in her life? She doesn’t give it much thought. It’s hard to believe that some man in the sky is up there loving and protecting everyone unconditionally. Not that it matters. Surely if there is an afterlife hers will be spent suffering. 3. Does this character have a personal code of morals or ethics? If so, how did that begin? What would it take to compromise it? She has very few morals. If it’s going to get her what she wants, she’ll do it. 4. How does she regard beliefs that differ from hers? Is she tolerant, intolerant, curious, indifferent? By scoffing and rolling her eyes. She isn’t going to go out of her way to knock someone’s religion or anything, but she doesn’t mind having an argument if it comes up. 5. What prejudices does she hold? Are they irrational or does she have a good reason for them? She’s prejudice towards the entire Santucci clan, but whether that is for good reason or not depends on who you ask.

DAILY LIFE !!

1. What is the character’s financial situation? Is she rich, poor, comfortable, in debt? She has never been very wealthy and it has never bothered her. 2. What is her social status? Has this changed over time, and if so, how has the change affected her? In school, she does not know nor care how people perceive her. She would like to be feared, but she’s got that covered. Back at home, with The Outsiders, she climbed the ranks and she plans on doing the same when she gets back. She has a craving for power. 3. Where does she live? House, apartment, trailer? Is her home her castle or just a place to crash? What condition is it in? Does she share it with others? She lived with her mother and brothers before her life got all shook up and she ended up at Walt Academy. It wasn’t anything fancy but it was home. She had no attachment to it just as she has no attachment to her dorm room, which has stayed as untouched and undecorated as possible on her side. She isn’t so fond of having a roommate. 4. Besides the basic necessities, what does she spend her money on? She doesn’t spend much money. Material things mean very little to her. 5. What does she do for a living? Is she good at it? Does she enjoy it, or would she rather be doing something else? At the moment she’s just a student. She would much rather be at home, running things with her mother. And she plans to be back there as soon as possible. 6. What are her interests or hobbies? How does she spend her free time? Playing with Kiara and Kovu voodoo dolls. No, in all seriousness, her spare time is spent plotting revenge and exercising/training. She has very little patience for the things that are entertainment for average people. 7. What are her eating habits? Does she skip meals, eat out, drink alcohol, avoid certain foods? She tries to eat somewhat healthy to stay in shape, but she isn’t picky. She eats what she gets. Seeing as she isn’t much of a cook, it’s usually fast food or instant meals. A lot of fruit and veggies. She doesn’t drink that often but trust me -- the girl can hold her liquor.

ASSOCIATIONS !!

1. Color? Red. Also black. But mostly red. 2. Smell? Smoke. 3. Time of day? Midnight. 4. Season? Summer. 5. Book? She doesn’t read much. 6. Music? Soft female voices with a creepy tone. Anything by Daughter, Melanie Martinez, Lana Del Rey, Sky Ferreira... she has a very particular sound... 7. Place? New Jersey. 8. Substance? Vodka. 9. Plant? Roses. Because they look beautiful but they have thorns. 10. Animal? Lions. For... obvious reasons.

EVERY * LEADS TO A PICTURE !!

[focussg-blog]

When Separation Comes Too Soon

A tribute to my late wife

By Winston Kok

My extraordinary wife and life partner passed on in May 2011, after 20 months of battling stomach cancer.

We loved each other very much, and had been married for 30 years. She always was my supportive wife, friend, confidante and trusted helpmate.

I first met Connie in 1978 on a special occasion – we watched a live SBC variety show at the RTV studio and met through a mutual friend. The rest, as they say, is history. Through her influence, I learnt to trust and submit myself to Jesus through our shared faith. We got married after 3 years of dating.

Connie was intelligent and thoughtful, an inspiration to everyone around her. She also had a unique laugh and a sweet voice, which I miss very dearly. She liked me to kiss her and whisper “I love you” in her ear. I would oblige, even when I was tired and felt half-hearted about it.

When my job took me all over Asia from 2002 to 2005, she not only took good care of our 2 children and maintained the household excellently, she also served in church on top of her own office job.

Her work ethic and passion for God still live on in our children today. Our daughter leads the youth ministry in church despite her busy teaching schedule; our son and daughter-in-law actively volunteer in their church’s Sunday school.

In the earlier days when our children were younger, we would clash over how they should be raised. Connie was firm on them doing their best in school, and would dole out punishment when she felt they were not doing so. I thought she was too harsh, compared to my softer style of reasoning and use of rewards to encourage them when they do well.

We once had a major fight about who should do more of the household chores, when she claimed men were unwilling to take on more at home. It frustrated me because I was the sole breadwinner then and was emotionally present for her and the children, even though I wasn’t as detailed a parent as she was.

Yet in all of these disagreements, I preferred to resolve conflict quickly, so I would make the first move to reconcile. I wasn’t always happy to do it, but for the sake of our marriage and children, I knew that was something I had to do. We would go out for a movie or a meal, and it would help thaw the ice.

Although we had our fair share of disagreements about parenting, my wife set the rules within the home and gave our children a sense of security, self-discipline and responsibility, setting the foundation for the independent and reliable adults they are today.

For the sake of our marriage and children, I knew I had to make the first move to reconcile after an argument.

One of Connie’s greatest desires was to see our two children get married and welcome many grandchildren into the family, so she could visit and play with the kids. I’m sure she would have ensured that they would grow up healthy and happy, only leaving with happy smiles and full bellies whenever they visited.

Unfortunately, she fell ill. That visit to receive her biopsy report was the toughest meeting I’ve ever been in. I thought I was prepared for anything, but the prospect of losing my best friend shattered me. When we were in the doctor’s room together, I recall holding her hand and squeezing it so tightly when he broke the news. The words “in sickness and in health” came to mind, along with many other thoughts.

After surgery and radiation in 2009, Connie was cancer-free. But that joy didn’t last. I was thankful for the period of respite, and I was adamant to make her feel comfortable. We went on short holidays when she could manage them. I wanted to enjoy her company, her smell — just her — as much as I could.

In 2011, the cancer returned with a vengeance; it had spread to her intestines and the prognosis was bleak. The doctors did all they could, but alas, they could not save her.

My son got married three days before she passed on, so at least her wish to see her children marry and have their own children was partially fulfilled.

I wanted to enjoy her company, her smell — just her — as much as I could.

Oh, how I wish we had spent more time doing what made her happy. Before she fell sick, I thought we had a longer future together. Our marriage seemed good, but it wouldn’t have hurt me to make her happier. I wanted to make her happy, but I also wanted to make myself happy then.

Life as a widower is often challenging. The hardest part lies in managing my own emotions and grief even as I provide and care for my family.

She was the person our children shared their feelings with; they sought protection and comfort from her, and she is no longer here. I have to take up that role to meet their emotional needs. It was so difficult at first, coupled with the intense emotional pain as we all struggled to adapt to a new normal without my wife.

I still wish Connie was alive — even as we near the 7th anniversary of her passing — as I would love to see her happy and healthy, living life to its fullest. If she was here, I would give her all the love and affection I can muster.

Although we miss her dearly, she has left in each of us a legacy of love, faith and hope that unite us as a family. As a single parent, I’ll always remember what she has done for us, and will do my best to pass her baton of love and virtues on to our children and grandchildren.

© 2018 Focus on the Family Singapore. All rights reserved.

Winston is a loving father and grandfather. Now in partial retirement, he enjoys spending time with family and dear friends, and finds joy in volunteering in his church.

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This article was first published on family.org.sg and republished with permission.