#so she was like i had a few depressing months and stuff and im stable now | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

absolutelyfizzing · 3 years

Text

angels and demons

warren worthington x reader fluff

@shuckfaced-fangirl Hi! can I request a warren worthington x female mutant reader where her powers are shadow summoning? So I guess everyone in the school kind of views her as some sort of demon? With a lot of fluff? Thank you!!

Description - Y/N is a shadow summoner and is isolated from her peers. Warren helps her see that not everyone fears her and that she is worthy of affection.

warnings - its so fluffy. fem pronouns. some angsty stuff (isolation, depression, sadness), one innuendo, devastating fluff, warren being an angel. i tried to make it POC inclusive, please let me know if it feels restricting or excluding and i will edit it.

word count - 3700, i got carried away

A/N - im so sorry this took so long, i took a break from writing while i am working on moving to college. i will still be spotty for the next few weeks but hopefully, i will post a few more things in that time and then get back on a normal schedule. also, thanks so much for this request, i had a lot of fun writing it and i hope it is something you enjoy reading!

MASTERLIST

You walked through the halls with a lowered head. You knew that you made others uncomfortable and so you chose to try to make yourself as small and unthreatening as possible. You had been 'gifted' powers with which you could manipulate and create darkness. You were a shadow summoner. That wasn't a name that many found reassuring or comforting.

There were a few who could see past it and who was close to being what you might call friends but those people were few and far between. There were overwhelmingly more people who believed that you must have been a scary and mean person, that you were some sort of demon. This couldn't have been further from the truth if one were to look past appearances. Your shadow was larger and darker than that of your peers and it trailed behind you with a mind of its own, moving and growing without you even meaning for it to happen. Your hands were constantly covered in something darker and dustier than the rest of your skin, a deep and pure black. It trailed from the tips of your fingers and faded on your forearm so it looked as though you had just dipped your arms into a chimney or that shadows were crawling up your arms.

When you first got them, you thought they were sort of cool. They made you look sort of goth and that was fun. That feeling quickly faded when you saw how others, even your family, reacted. They said it was a curse from hell. You were barely convinced otherwise.

You sat away from others at the school during free periods. During lunch you sat alone and in the sun when you could, you hoped it might make others be less scared of you as it might make you look brighter but your shadow, dark and ominous, maintained a spot near you. You wore clothes that made you look more approachable to try to maintain that you weren't scary. Your brightly colored outfit didn't ever seem to work though, no matter how hard you tried.

You looked down at the food in your hands, the sandwich only half-eaten, and you noted your hands. They were so normal looking, your nails were well kept and you thought they were a good size. That they might even be a good size for someone to hold. The only thing was the unnaturally colored dust that seemed to cover them. It was a cool black, it glistened and sparkled in the sun when your fingers moved. It never moved or transferred to anything else, always stuck securely to your skin. You were distracted by the way your fingers seemed to shine when a shadow came near yours, wings outlined in it. You looked up to see a tall blond boy above you with curly hair and bags under his eyes. He nodded to a spot on the grass near you.

"Do you mind if I sit here?"

You shook your head and even scooted away from the spot to give him more space despite the fact that you were in a large field.

"Do you want me to move?" You asked gently, wondering if maybe he wanted this particular spot and you took it from him unknowingly.

"I mean, I think that would sort of take away the whole point of me trying to sit with you." He smirked and you felt blood rush to your cheeks. "I like your hands" He hummed and you looked at him in shock. When his eyes met yours you tilted your head a bit.

"They don't bother you?" You tried to speak softly.

"No, I think they're awesome. They make you look punk." He smiled and you felt the corners of your mouth tug up a bit too.

"I like your wings." You almost mumbled as you allowed your gaze to move to the large feathery wings behind him. They moved in the wind and you found yourself wanting to run your fingers through them. "They make you look like an angel." You smiled and he groaned dramatically.

"I'm trying to look grunge." He pouted and you giggled a bit. At the sound, he looked up at you and blushed a bit. "Maybe we should trade."

"If I could trade you I would. Everyone is scared of how I look." You gazed back at the grass.

"I'm not." His simple statement made butterflies erupt in your stomach and you smiled a bit. You looked back at him and made eye contact for a moment.

"What's your name?" You asked and he maintained his gaze into your eyes. It was the most contact or conversation with someone else you'd had in a long time.

"I'm Warren." He smiled a bit and stuck a hand out to you to shake. You looked at his hand in shock. Nobody ever voluntarily touched your hands. Most of them worried that whatever was on them would spread. You hesitantly brought your hand to his, purposefully giving him plenty of time to remove his hand if he felt uncomfortable. But he didn't. Instead, your hand reached his and he shook it before letting go as if it was no big deal.

"I'm Y/N." You smiled a bit more and you felt a giggle come out of you from the joy of realizing this wasn't a dream, that someone was trying to talk to you and they weren't afraid.

"Is my name that funny?" He teased.

"No, I just-" you paused to think, "it's been so long since anyone has done this with me."

"Talked to you?" He questioned, obviously expecting you to say no and explain what you meant. Instead, you just nodded and his heart clenched for a moment. "Well, you can stick with me then."

"I don't know if you want your reputation to take a hit like that."

"My reputation is 'the angry and damaged kid', I'm sure it can handle the breaking news of me talking to a nice and pretty girl." He reassured before he even realized what he was saying. You could have cried at the feeling that rose up in your chest.

After that day, you stuck to his side like glue and he took no issue with it. The more you got to know him the more you appreciated the fact that he had taken you in. With his help, over the coming months, he helped you develop a stable friend group. That group included people like Ororo and Jane who had heard rumors about you and never bothered to check and see if they were real. They apologized profusely, especially Jean as she felt like she could have easily found out that you were kinder than she thought with her abilities but just had never done so, and you gladly accepted, just happy to be within a group.

You and Warren had developed a reputation. He was overly protective and gruff while you were overly nice and empathetic. You balanced each other well and if you were honest, you were in love with him. That always felt weird to say, you'd never been in love with anyone before but every second you spent with him made you more and more sure of your feelings.

When you and Warren were together, you would daydream about what it would be like to be in a relationship with him. Being held by him and wrapped in his wings. Getting to play with his unkempt hair. Holding his hand.

Sometimes he would try to encourage you to hold his hand. He would hold it out to you when he was helping you jump down from somewhere high. He would ask you to hand him things and then make decisive contact as he took it from you. He knew that it meant a lot to you, you practically gasped and blushed every time he did it. He had never met anyone so touch starved. He wanted to give you all the affection that you craved.

Unfortunately, Warren was rather oblivious, especially towards things like feelings and emotions. He had no clue that you had any interest in him, even though he hoped you did every day. If he wasn't so attached to your friendship, he might ask you out. Instead, he tried to maintain a friendly distance so he didn't cross any lines while also being as affectionate with you as he could be. You followed a similar path.

The person caught in the middle of this was poor Jean Gray. she had watched you pine over each other since you met and had heard every thought that went through both of your heads. She knew you would never complain or ask for help about anything so she liked to keep tabs on your thoughts every once in a while to make sure you were okay. Still, she tried her best to not listen very often or when you were thinking about anything very personal, she honestly did. But she was a romantic. All she wanted was for you two idiots to get together but you were both oblivious. She decided, probably 3 months into you becoming friends, that she had to do something about it.

She was sitting on your bed while you sat across your bedroom on your small couch. She fiddled with her thumbs while she tried to ignore your constant thoughts about Warren, his hands, his wings, his smile. She was exhausted. she took a small breath while she planned how she would try to say this to you.

"Do you want to know what I heard today?" She called and you looked up at her from the book you were pretending to read.

"Do you mean heard or 'heard'?" You laughed and she rolled her eyes.

"Either." Then she tilted her head. "Both."

"Yeah, I wanna know! What's it about?" You asked while leaning forward in your seat. Jean always had the best gossip to tell because she could literally hear it.

"Warren." She stated simply and watched your reaction. You flushed and stopped breathing for a moment.

"Wha-" you stuttered, "what about him?"

"That he has a thing for you." she winked and you flushed even more.

"You're lying." You assured, a questioning look on your face.

"I'm not and I'm tired of watching you two longing after one another while the rest of the school watches." She smiled and your heart picked up.

"I thought I told you not to look in my head!" You scolded but you weren't actually all that upset. You knew that it was very hard for her to control.

"I cant help it! Both of you think so loud. And I wouldn't have to anyway, Ororo mentioned it to me the other day and she definitely cants read minds." She giggled and you smiled a bit.

"Does he actually like me?" You almost whispered in disbelief.

"Yes! He's been obsessed with you since you started talking."

"But like he would want to actually go-"

"Y/N, I swear to god. If you don't go and talk to him right now I'm going to have a fit." She laughed and you glared at her.

"Okay okay fine, I'm going," you grumbled as you stood and walked toward your door. "If you are wrong I'm gonna be so upset with you."

She just laughed again and you started to walk down the hallway. You thought he might be in his room or outside. You decided to check his room first.

You knocked on his door but you were met with silence. You tried the handle and it moved.

"Warren?" you paused, "I'm coming in," you warned and pushed the door open. When you looked inside, he wasn't there. You took a moment to gaze around his room, it wasn't the first time you had been in there but every time was a bit exciting as you got to see all of the things he had that represented him. He had a boombox and a CD collection on his dresser. Some of his clothes were thrown around his room haphazardly and some of his drawers were open. You looked at the wall next to you where he kept photos that you took. You would carry around a camera or take pictures on your phone of everyone around campus. He always asked for them and then printed them out so he could hang them up. He had even managed to get a couple of you. You smiled a bit before heading back into the hallway, closing the door behind you.

You instead moved towards the door to get out onto the lawn where you thought he would probably be. He often sat under the big oak trees or on the roof if he wanted to get away from people. When you made it outside, you looked around for him.

"Y/N!" you heard him shout. You turned to look for him and saw his silhouette flying from the roof. You paused to admire him and his wings. He always looked so angelic to you. So powerful. You thought about how your power emanated darkness. That you would never appear angelic to someone and would more likely look like a demon. You looked down at your hands for a second, a habit you had when you were thinking about your powers. They sparkled a bit in the sun but it did little to quell the distaste in your mouth.

Suddenly there was a shadow in front of you that was not part of the darkness that surrounded you.

"Y/N?" he asked gently. "Are you okay?" he tried not to startle you. Being empathetic wasn't something that came naturally to him, but he tried extra hard around you. he noticed the way you were staring at your hands. The growth of your shadow as you thought about your powers more. He moved to touch one of your hands but you flinched back a bit. He brought his hand back and looked at you with concern. "Whats wrong, angel?" He asked lightly and you looked up at the pet name. He had started calling you that soon after you became friends. You thought it was out of irony but he really was convinced that you were some sort of angel. He also loved the way that your eyes would light up when he said it. You stared at him for a moment in silence.

"Do I scare you?" You asked quietly and your voice shook. He looked surprised by your question and you were surprised too. You didn't know why you were suddenly getting emotional. Why this was now all you could think about. Why it had to come up now when you were trying to express your feelings for him. Instead of responding he reached out to your hand, holding onto it when you let him, despite flinching away slightly. He started to walk, leading you toward the same tree you had met under. Once you both reached it he sat down and looked up at you, waiting for you to sit down too. You did, maybe a bit farther away from him than you needed to be.

"Do you think you scare me?" he asked genuinely and you took a second to think, looking back down at your hands which were now pulled back into your lap.

"I scare me," you stated simply and paused.

"That's not what I asked."

"I don't know." You mumbled. "I think I freak everyone out. Including you I guess." Your voice was quieter than you meant it to be. you really hadn't thought about it in a little while. It had been on your mind plenty when you first started talking to him. You were extra conscious of not pushing him to be around you or near your shadow. You knew that he would move away if he needed to but you also had so many memories of everyone around you fearing you, running from you, telling you that you were a curse. Instead of responding he held his hand out in between the two of you, palm up. You knew that he was inviting you to take it but that he wouldn't push you to. Instead of taking it, you placed your hand near his on the ground and he left his next to yours, not trying to take it if you didn't want him to.

"You don't." He let out, sounding sure of himself and slightly pained. "You don't scare me." You looked at each other. He had tears in his eyes. He was never one to get emotional so you were surprised. "Do I scare you?" he questioned, already knowing your answer but trying to prove a point.

"Of course not." You sighed.

"You have a lot more reason to be afraid of me than I have to be afraid of you." he looked at your hand again. "I'm the one who has a rough history, I'm the one who is angry and has a reputation of being aggressive."

"But, Warren, your mutation is-"

"Mutation has nothing to do with it, Y/N." he sighed. "You have control over your abilities, I have control over mine. The only difference between us is our personalities and I have never had any reason to fear you or dislike you. You're the kindest person I know and everyone in your life who has let you think that there was something wrong with you was terrible. And that was on them."

Your hand reached for his and you laced your fingers together. He squeezed your hand and ran his thumb over the back of it.

"I love you." The words came out of your mouth faster than you could think and you sucked in a breath, almost hoping he didn't hear you. When you glanced up at him he had a gentle smile on his face. He brought the back of your hand up to his face and kissed it before placing it against his cheek.

"I love you too, Y/N" He reached out for your waist and pulled you toward his lap, giving you plenty of time to give him a sign that you were uncomfortable. Instead, you put your leg over his waist so you were straddling his thighs. You held one of his hands in between you and fiddled with his fingers, admiring how your hands contrasted with his. Somehow, him holding your hand made it seem less out of place. You almost felt pride.

You were suddenly surrounded by warmth and shadow, the sounds of the quad around you becoming muted. You looked up around you and his wings were wrapped around the two of you, closing you off into your own little world. You felt the urge to reach out to them but you had never asked. You had never seen him let anyone touch them and you didn't want to make him uncomfortable.

"Go ahead." your eyes snapped to his in shock.

"Warren, you never let any-"

"I want you to," he admitted and it was true. He had thought many times about asking you to run your fingers through his wings. He would never complain about it but they were a little high maintenance and also sensitive. He never let anyone touch them because most people weren't gentle or he didn't trust them. He knew though that you were the gentlest person on Earth and that he could count on you to be careful.

At his reassurance, you smiled a bit. You reached a hand out to the part of his wing next to his shoulder. You both gasped a bit when your fingers made contact. Warren was a bit surprised at how sensitive they were to your touch and it had been a long time since anyone but himself had touched them. You were entranced by how soft they were. The feathers were delicate and there were so many. You were very careful in how you moved your hand along his wing, looking at him often to see if he was uncomfortable. As you were carding your fingers through his feathers, one came out. You gasped slightly horrified that you had hurt him.

"Hey, it's okay!" he rushed out as he saw your panic. "They just sort of... shed sometimes." He almost seemed embarrassed. Feathers would come off occasionally and he would often have to brush through them himself to release all of the loose feathers, sort of like brushing your hair. He reached to pick up the feather and held it in front of you for you to take. You gladly did and you twirled it in your fingers. "Maybe sometime, if you wouldn't mind, of course, you could help me brush through them?" he asked quietly and you smiled.

"Yeah of course. They seem like they might be a lot of work." you were touched that he trusted you to do that and you thought about how hard it must be to take care of them by himself when they were so big and most of his wings were behind him.

"You should see what it's like to shower with them," he grumbled and then his eyes widened at what he had said. He hadn't meant it to be an innuendo but now he was worried he offended you. Instead, he looked into your eyes and you fell into a fit of giggles.

"I might have to take you up on that offer." Your gentle gaze made him blush. He had never felt this comfortable with anyone. This safe. He decided right then that he would do anything you ever asked of him.

After that day, you and Warren became the cutest couple at the school. You were opposites in multiple ways and your relationship was more wholesome than any of your friends could handle. You got more confident in yourself and your abilities and he allowed himself to be more vulnerable. everyone agreed that you were a match made in heaven.

732 notes · View notes

scarletwidowaf · 3 years

Text

Ghost Of You - scarlet widow

(wanda maximoff x natasha romanoff)

summery: Thanos was gone, vision was gone, tommy and billy were gone, agetha was gone, natasha was gone and so was westview and wanda's perfect bubble. So now what?

Words: 1136

Warnings: none? Grief maybe :(

A/N: im back(!) with a story idea nobody asked for! Let me know what yall think. Also sorry for any grammar problems and stuff, its like 1 am and im sick ❤️

masterlist | story index | AO3 | Wattpad

________________________________________

It was another day of wanda doing absolutely nothing. It became a routine by now.

at the beginning after the west view fiasco wanda was hiding from the world while studying agetha's book, but now, after months of studying, she was tired.

Her tiredness wasn't the thing who sacred her, it was the realization that everything she knew was gone.

She remembered the fight against thanos clearly although it happened 5 years ago. But then they lost and she, and half of the universe population vanished. And then she was back again, and it was war again. But this time things were different.

She had to fight both thanos's army and the sinking feeling of depression and grief. For the snap survivors its been 5 years, but for her everything was still fresh in her mind, wakanda, the snap, vision's death.

After the fight ended and thanos was defeated she found out the price they paid for it.

Tony was dead, steve wasn't coming back, and natasha, her Natasha, was dead as well.

There was nothing simple about wanda and natasha, and maybe that's why wanda chose vision.

Vision was a good man, loyal, loving and caring. in a way, vision complete wanda, and she loved him.

But Natasha was special. No mattar what happened or when it did, Natasha was there to pick up the pieces.

The ex agent was her first friend in the avenger's facility, not long after she became her best friend, and later on she became the only person wanda ever loved except vision.

Not that she ever said anything about it. Wanda was wanda, and natasha was natasha, and everything about them was messy, and painful and risky.

Wanda wanted stability. She had enough risks in her professional life, as an avenger- or ex avenger/outlaw.

She wanted a house with a stable partner, maybe some kids and even a dog. And as much as natasha wanted these for them, which was desperately, a part of her couldn't find the courage to let go of her past. She was hunted and bruised and wanda couldn't help her because how can you help someone who doesn't try help themselves.

So vision died, and natasha died, and wanda was alone. Full of pain and anger and grief.

And then west view happened

Wanda got her perfect life with the beautiful house, loving and stable partner, two beautiful boys and she even got a dog for a small amount of time.

It was perfect, so of course it wasn't meant to last.

And then here she is, tired.

After months of studying agetha's book and hiding from the world, she decided to take a break from her soon-to-be-villian hideout and go somewhere else and rest.

So she took a trip to London. It was busy enough for her to hide from view and unwanted eyes, yet gave her the amount of normalcy she's been aching to have.

Saying wanda didn't look for a spell that can resurrect the dead will be a lie. But she didn't succeed, so instead, she sat in a bubble bath in a rented small flat in London with a glass of wine in one hand and a book about a prince in a foreign land in the other.

And then she saw her. It wasn't even scary, she didn't even flinch like other people would've. She just stared at the woman that was sitting on her bathroom's cabinet.

"What are you doing here natasha?" Wanda asked and put her book away. Prince arthur will have to wait.

"I came to talk" the older woman answered, her eyes fixed on wanda's face. Not daring looking any lower.

A few years ago it might have made wanda nervous.

natasha was practically a goddess in her eyes. With her beautiful ginger hair, green vibrant eyes and a sculptured body who was a result of years in her line of work.

"I have nothing to say to you"

Wanda said back calmly and took a sip from her wine.

"Im sorry"

Natasha simply said. Her hair was red again and wanda liked it.

"You're sorry?" Wanda said with a small bitter laugh. "Seriously?"

"I am" natasha answered calmly.

wanda got up from the water. Her naked body dripping water while she reached her hand for the towel.

"So you came here.. to apologize?" Wanda asked with a small chuckle while wrapping the towel around her body.

Natasha moved her gaze softly from her body to her face. Natasha looked lost and wanda couldn't stop her smile. The way she saw it, It was about time the roles will be reversed and natasha will be the one admiring the younger girl.

"I do" natasha said again. She tried to keep herself calm but her hands played with her bracelet. The one wanda gave her when they were on the run, a friendship bracelet. How foolish of them, wanda thought.

"You came here to apologize.. for dying?" Wanda asked to make sure.

"Its sounds weird when you say that like that" natasha said with a small, awkward chuckle.

"It is weird. You died. And now you're here" wanda said, her eyes staring at the older woman.

"And yet, you didn't seem surprised to see me"

Natasha said back with her famous half smile.

"Apparently weird is my new brand" wanda said and started to dress. "how are you here, nat? And why?" She asked.

"I dont know. All I remember was falling, the last thing i saw was Clint and the last thing i thought about was you." Natasha admitted with a small blush.

"You as me? You as the people who were gone in the snap?" Wanda asked while trying to close the clips in her new bra.

natasha jumped from the cabinet and stood behind her.

"May i?" She asked the younger girl.

Wanda nodded. Natasha closed the clips and sigh.

"You as you" natasha said softly.

"It felt like a dream, one moment i hit the ground and died- and i know i died. But then i was here." She continued the story.

Wanda froze, she turned around to natasha, her eyes looking into the green one she still loved.

"I think- i think i did something" she said and natasha held her gaze. Waiting for an explanation.

"I tried some things. But i didn't thought i succeeded" she continued.

"You tried to bring me back to life?" Natasha asked, a bit confused.

"Yes, and it worked" wanda bit her lip. Her hand searching for natasha's, wanting to make sure she wasn't imagining.

"I dont think it did" natasha said and her eyes held tears.

"What do you mean?"

Natasha looked down, and wanda did the same.

Wanda's hand did find Natasha's and unfortunately, it went right trough it.

#wanda x nat #wandanat #wanda x natasha #natasha x wanda #wanda maximoff #natasha romanoff #black widow #scarlet witch #scarlet widow #marvel #avengers endgame #wandavision

67 notes · View notes

ticktockteapot · 3 years

Text

I had to step away from Wonderland for a while (long post ahead)

Sooo hi, I know Ive been absent from this blog for these past couple of weeks but ALOT of shitty things have been happening IRL....

TL:DR I had mental breakdowns, existential crises, and depression from burnout/finances. But then I met some people that helped me fall back into my wonderland phase. Now I've got a new job and Im gonna get my shit together

Click the Read More below

Having a literal existential crises about wat I'm doing with my career (or lack thereof)

My current job messing up my paychecks for a 2 months so I had ALOT of financial stress bcuz my bills were due which led to panic attacks and the return of my alcohol addiction 2: electric bugaloo

✨JOB HUNTING™✨

✨Preparing for interviews for said job hunting✨

✨✨LITERALLY HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISES ABOUT WHETHER OR NOT I SHOULD FOLLOW MY DREAM JOB (ANIMATOR/STORYBOARDER) OR STAY STUCK IN A SOUL CRUSHING CORPORATE JOB THAT CAN KEEP ME FINANCIALLY STABLE BUT NEVER HAVING ENOUGH TIME OR ENERGY TO MAKE MY ART/IMPROVE MY DRAWING SKILLS✨✨

And the fandoms that I'm in didn't help my mental state at all either... 😔 This blog and the fandoms were supposed to be my escape from reality but there was nothing but negativity/bad vibes/not enough content which pressured me into trying to be the mediator and push myself to try to come up with more content. . . . but I just got burnt out halfway (now I have even more unfinished projects) and I just became severely overwhelmed and shutdown (being an empath really sucks besties hahaha 🙃)

I started really doubting myself especially about my art skills and if I'm worthy of being a self-proclaimed content creator (as many other artists tend to struggle with too)

I literally never had any energy and time to create stuff bcuz it conflicted with my work schedule, which made me lack motivation to get anything done and my unmedicated ADHD certainly didn't help either sheeeeeeesssshhhhhh

But it seems like the universe aligned and I got a major wake up call and it gave me some hope!

A few weeks ago on my way to work at the Chocolate Factory (working the assembly line at a chocolate factory is not as 🎉fun🎉 as one would think ngl) my Uber driver that night just so happened to be an ex-Disney employee! His name is Peter and he used to be a Disney Sketch Artist and did a little voice acting for the Disney Parks. I started asking him all these questions about working for Disney and he mentioned how he's trying to earn money for his daughter to go to art school and I kinda fangirled about the other Disney Sketch Artist "Briannacherrygarcia". During the whole conversation I couldn't help but feel so inspired again and felt like maybe I could actually get somewhere with my art... If he could do it maybe so can I?

Go follow him on his social medias!!! Hes really cool!!!

And if THAT wasn't more of an eye opener then last week was! Apparently one of my coworkers in the factory used to work for Disneyworld and Universal Studios!!! She used to be a cast member for the parades as The actual Mickey Mouse, Minnie Mouse, Donald Duck, Winnie the Pooh, Piglet, Stitch, Timon, Meek, Turk......and best of all....... THE WHITE RABBIT himself 🐇 I can officially say I'm friends with the White Rabbit!! She even gave me a bunch of autographs too!!!

As of right now Im finally in a better place to start over and I start my new job in 2 weeks (it's not a Disney job but atleast it's away from my soul crushing job at the factory. Baby steps...baby steps....) and maybe I can get my shit together and muster up some courage to do the things that made me happy again...

TL:DR I had mental breakdowns, existential crises, and depression from burnout. But then I met some people that helped me fall back into my wonderland phase. Now I've got a new job and Im gonna get my shit together

#about me #my post #kind of not alice related ig #personal #mad t party #adventures in wonderland #when curiosity met insanity #fandoms #disney #artist #mtp #aiw #wcmi

14 notes · View notes

scatterpatter · 4 years

Note

15 w Corren!

15: What is your characters background story?

OHOHO, so I’m going to leave One Detail Out because there’s one part of his backstory I don’t wanna spoil for Jazz yet, but... >:3c

Also it’s under the cut because i totally infodumped and then some OOPSIE

oh also cws: serious illness, death, domestic violence, depression

Corren Hartwell grew up the youngest of 3 siblings, the oldest being his big sis Mila and the middle child being his bro Julian. Their parents were pretty detached emotionally, but that’s pretty par for the course where he was from, and they provided for the kids so it really wasn’t all that bad. Not a perfect family, no fam ever is, but they were happy.

His race’s culture is super inclined to intelligence and studying technology, the mind, etc, so Corren spent his childhood being a total bookworm. Studying history, arcana, all sorts of stuff... he never really minded it, though. He was actually quite good at what he did!

Mila was a spellcaster- I honestly forgot what school of magic she was in OOPS, and Julian dual-classed as a Necromancer and Bard! Jules and Mila were both pretty close in age, and they were like besties on top of being siblings, and they’d often team up to do small adventuring jobs: hit up the help wanted board in town and take care of short deliveries or a monster stalking a farm or something like that- both for the thrill and to also earn some extra gold for the family. They loved Corren, but they couldn’t take him with them because it was too dangerous for him since he was still just a little kid. Still, Corren admired them and wanted to be just like them(better, even?) when he grew up! ... Oh yeah I always forget this detail but Corren’s totally trans XD He came out pretty young but his family was chill with it so like... ayyyeee

Though one day, Mila started getting sick. Corren doesn’t really know what it was, but for whatever reason she wasn’t able to heal from it with simple healing spells. It was a slow process, but she was just getting worse instead of better, and one day she passed. The family was a wreck, understandably. The issue is... Corren and Julian had... different ways of grieving. Corr was still young, the equivalent of like someone 10-12 in human years, so he didn’t fully grasp the concept of death just yet. He retreated into himself a lot, had trouble grounding himself to the present and really struggling with depression. Julian, about the equivalent of someone 16-18, had a better understanding of what was going on, but he was wrecked. He wanted their sister back, and was so upset he couldnt do anything... but he wanted to try. He ended up doing something rash, and... well, spoilers ;) (dont worry he didnt hurt Corren or anyone else, but... he Fucked Up in what he tried doing)

Things quickly went downhill from there for the Hartwells. There was often a lot of fighting between Julian and their parents, or Corren would be chided for being unable to focus, like, at all, and... Corren and Jules never really fought, but there was a clear rift between them after what happened. They still loved each other, but it was so obvious their relationship would never be like what it was when Mila was still around, and that hurt both of them so much.

A few months later, things reached a boiling point and Julian was kicked out of their home. Before he left, though, he found Corren and gave him something: a small amethyst pendant on a necklace chain, something Julian used to always wear. They made a promise that this wasn’t gonna be goodbye, that they’d find each other again, and then Jules was gone. It was just Corren and his mom and dad.

Things were still strained, and Corren just did his best to keep to his studies to distract himself from everything. Not wanting Corren to end up like his brother, his parents forbade anything necrotic in the magic he learned. The problem was... Corren still loved Julian. And still wanted to be like him, to a point, so... he would study necromancy in secret. It was kinda like his little lifeline like “hey Jules is still here to an extent if I know the spells he does”, and things seemed to be going okay, for the most part

Well uh... one day his father caught him practicing his necromancy and... well, was far from happy about it. An argument quickly erupted between them both, a lot of yelling back and forth, and before Corr could react properly, his father grabbed something from the desk and struck him with it, giving him a pretty bad cut across his right eye(the smol scar I always draw? Yeah...). In a panic, Corren’s flight of fight kicked in as he cast a magic missile at his father in retaliation. Corren isn’t sure if his attack just stunned, knocked out, or killed his father, but the flight of fight-or-flight kicked in as he just ran from the situation. He had no idea what he was to do or where to go, but he just knew he couldn’t go back home after that.

SO this poor kid, probably the equivalent of a 14-15 y/o, is out on his own now... and he sure does his best. He mainly spends his time hopping from town to town, taking up small jobs to get some gold in his pockets, and is just... focusing on surviving. Going from this sheltered lifestyle to suddenly on the streets was a wake-up call and then some, but he found ways to make it work. Luckily his background of studying all the time gave him enough intelligence to take up tasks others weren’t as capable of, but it was still... far from easy. But he made it work!

One day he’s in a city known as Lilenthemar, just taking a break in one of the town squares, when an Elven man takes a seat on the bench next to him. They both sit in a comfortable silence for a while... but the elf then strikes a conversation. Corren, socially awkward like no tomorrow, tries to keep up the conversation... key word tries. The man introduces himself as Jethro, and I imagine the conversation took a turn like this:

Jethro: I don’t see many Marelienths around here, are you new in town?

Corren: Yeah, just passing through I guess. ... Gotta say, wasn’t expecting to see the Dragon Saint of the Green as I came here, though.

Jethro, laughing: Ah, yes, Raerose. Don’t worry, he’s a kind dragon. Though, it’s certainly surprising to those who are new to the city.

Corren: Oh, no, I know all about Raerose and his connections to this city and the Edgewoods. I just wasn’t expecting to... you know, run into his path as quickly as I did.

Jethro: Oh, so you’ve done your research, I take it?

At that point, Corren does what any neurodivergent would do when asked about his hobbies: Infodumps the hell out of what he knows. He’s far from a great scholar, considering he’s only the equivalent of someone 16-21ish at this point and spent quite a few years away from studying in favor of surviving, but he was still very intelligent and knowledgable about what he talked about. Jethro, picking up on this, decided to offer Corren a temporary position as a Family Historian. Jethro was actually a noble, something Corr somehow didn’t pick up on, and not only could’ve used the help... but also, he kiiiinda picked up on the fact that Corren looked like a kid who could use a place to stay for a while. Corren, not one to look a gift horse in the mouth, immediately accepted the offer.

Now, Corren wasn’t intending to stay for long. A few months, maybe a year or two... but. He realized he was building a pretty stable life by having a consistent job for the elf- it didn’t make much sense to just leave that in favor of hopping from place to place with no purpose. Not to mention, he was actually growing quite close to his boss. They’d often spent time together during off-hours, sitting in a comfortable quiet, just taking comfort in each other’s presence. Jethro’s actually the only one Corren ever opened up to about his past, and over the years Corren really grew to love him in a strong platonic way. They both struggled with their own grieving, Jethro with his passed wife and son he hadn’t seen in years, and Corren with his passed sister and brother he hadn’t seen in years, which only helped them grow closer, since they understood each other’s pain, in a sense.

He still struggled with depression, but overall Corren was doing pretty damn well in life. ... Many years later, Corren being 44(idk which human-equivalent this would be. Mid-Late 20s? Early 30s?), actually gets to meet Jethro’s son, Jericho, and the party he traveled with... called the F.U.C.K.s. ... I couldn’t make this shit up even if I tried. They needed help getting to a place called the Menoa Tree, which Corren happened to have studied for a long while, so he offered to help the party. ... They totally broke him with their antics. He proceeded to have a mental breakdown in front of them, and essentially went “FUCK THIS IM GOING HOME AND TAKING A NAP”. Jethro got a laugh out of the furious rambling Corren came home with.

... But despite that, something stuck with him. He just couldn’t quite get the party out of his mind. Something about them, as frustrating as they were, was almost... magnetic? ... Well, weeks later, word came to Lilenthemar about a war that had been raging on for years now... but specifically of a battle at a city known as Joshua, the forces being lead by Jericho alongside many others. Jethro was of course worried about his boy... and Corren... well, something in him changed. He wanted to know more about the FUCKs and just WHAT their deal was, and he wanted to ease Jethro’s worries, so... he grabbed a sniper rifle and decided that he’d go help protect Jericho and his friends as they fought.

He eventually caught up to the party, convinced them to let him help, and after many battles... the war was won(Corren kinda came in at the tail-end of it all). The only thing is... after that, Corren didn’t really want to go home just yet. He actually enjoyed spending time with the party... and then it clicked: They were powerful adventurers who were totally crazy, stupid, and had no sense of self-preservation... they were just like Julian. And Corren loved it, even when they drove him crazy. He felt alive, which is something he realized he hadn’t felt in a long time... and quickly grew attached to his party, Alistair now taking the reigns as leader as Jericho retired from adventuring. And, well, he’s stuck with them ever since!

He still has Julian’s amethyst, as they’ve yet to reunite(yknow, assuming Jules is still alive even), but... certain events are causing some concern with the story I’m telling. Mainly... Corren is slowly facing Aboleth Corruption(he doesn’t know this yet, but is starting to suspect there’s something wrong with him), and that’s causing parts of his memory to be... patchy. Certain things aren’t lining up, and there could be more(or just different altogether) pieces of this story than what I’ve just told... but we’ll have to wait and see until we get to the quest that deals with that before we find out what’s REALLY going on ;)

... HEY UM I HOPE YALL DONT MIND THE IMMENSE INFODUMP IF YOU MADE IT THIS FAR THEN THANK U FOR CARING ABT MY BOI ;-;

#corren #OHHHH DONT MIND THE BRICK WALLS OF TEXT #YKNOW THIS WAS FUN ACTUALLY #I TYPED UP A BACKSTORY BEFORE BUT LIKE #SINCE ITS BEEN A FEW MONTHS SINCE THEN IT FELT NICE TO LIKE #JUST GO OVER CERTAIN PARTS OF IT AGAIN AND GIVE IT KINDA A FRESH RE-TELLING #dnd ask meme #ironically corren is the only one that has THIS much backstory of all my charas HVSFHBDS #phonepastry

1 note · View note

spacejew · 5 years

Text

oops accidental personal post I guess

It's weird that I almost feel the need to go here to personal blog again because of a handful of irl friends following what was supposed to be a private personal Twitter in theory, just for like, idk, internet strangers and friends I made online not those imported from meatspace. Also those character limits... Suffocating.

Anyways yeah things are kinda stable but dissapointing lifewise? I'm definitely in a rut and stuck somewhere I'm desperately trying to get out of. Also like. idk. Gender shit. I think I really fucked myself over hard when I made the decision a few years back to conviously bottle up all my dysphoria and trans feelings and bury them and repress them hard and just live as a very gay and feminine bi boy and like. hm. I think I've been happy since? But im thinking now that maybe. Because that's still a part of my psyche that haunts me every day. I might actually have been mildly depressed this whole time and like, still struggling to make important life decisions because of the anxiety of that. Idk. Maybe if I got a therapist and realistic attention to that all those years ago and it turned out to be very real n legit and i got to make tough choices and live my truth, I would be equipped now to actually be joyful and able to fully focus on hard work and taking risks and putting myself out there and being successful and shit. Idk idk idk. I just have to wonder if all this time I've actually been quite unhappy and filling the void with dumb shit and a good deal of dissociation and complacency. Idk. what I'm saying is maybe I made a big mistake there lmao and could've started transitioning, if that's right for me, 4-7 years ago maybe, who knows. Haha so fun. Fuck me. Big Regrets, lads. But also I still don't know if that's right. Which probs means it is who am I kidding. Oof. But it's ok life is a journey I'm full of wise shit and I know it's not the end of the world. It just kinda. Makes me so sad on behalf of the old me who would cry so much because of dysphoria and living in this body in this life. She knew. I don't know why I buried her alive like that. Anyways.

I spent all year struggling to make an animated short (which ended up being kinda long tbh like 10 minutes?) by myself mostly, just me and my mental blocks and executive dysfunction and shit, but I was v passionate about it and worked hard and got to actually bring a whole vision to life, with basically nobody to tell me what to do, just give me feedback that I wasn't obligated to follow. It came out pretty nice and I'm very happy that I got to tell exactly the story I wanted and try a cool new look and I just wish I gave myself more time to work on the actual animation part but I put my heart and endless weeks and months of refinement into the storyboarding and script and every little detail and I really feel accomplished and like it paid off -- and I even got to do a private screening at my summer camp job that I was called in to do one more time at the last minute right when I finished my film, it was a miracle and so perfect, everyone cried and truly loved it and felt touched by it. And then I went to animation festivals! And all this cool shit! But... I haven't been able to figure out a public screening thing yet. And I feel like all my excitement is gone now. And I really wanted to polish the look and some backgrounds a little, just some very quick rerendering and comp, but. I feel like too much time has passed, i just feel dissapointed. I haven't put it online yet cause I haven't done my public screening, cause of my stupid anxiety about little details and overall idk imposter syndrome I guwss I feel more ashamed of it than proud of it even tho it's probably good, and like I feel that everyone was excited to support me but probably nobody cares anymore.

Basically I had all the wind taken out of my sails. Oh and right when I was trying to get it off the ground I guess and push through, my grandma died. I'm so heartbroken I loved her so fucking much and. She never got to see the film cause of my stupid bullshit. I feel so bad about that. So so bad. Ugh. And it's a film very very hilariously blatantly directly based on me and my feelings and my real family history, ultimately besides other main themes it's about talking to your grandparents and family about the past and your current feelings. And in it the main character, a girl, cough cough even though it's basically me, cough cough go figure, gender shit, anyways the climax is her going back in time to talk to her great grandma, and it's very emotional and my best friend of like almost 10 years now composed and recording a music for that scene for me. And now when I eventually screen this, my entire family and also myself is gonna get torn to shreds by this scene more than intended because my own fucking grandma, who I was excited to show this film to more than anyone on earth, passed so unexpectedly without seeing it. Fuck. Why didn't I send it to her when she was in the hospital? Obviously cause if I did that that would make it real and she wouldn't get better and all I do is live in denial. Ugh. Anyways yeah. The point is I'm stagnant and in a rut right now and just want to move forward and focus on making new work and just get a real career relevant job already. Tough year hit a well needed high and now petering off back into misery. Not to be dramatic. I'm ok tbh I have a part time I'm slowly getting sick of and a loving supportive partner and some very good friends, tho not as many as I used to see regularly and that's kinda sad too. That's your 20s babey.

I just need to move on and make big changes. My pattern rn is like. Work fri-sun, if I'm lucky I get to hang out with friends or lovers, usually at least with my partner. on monday I recover from working. on tuesday I have dnd and usually get some stuff done but honestly just catch up on warframe with my clan friends. wednesday my partner and I got to the park and library for half the day and eat and draw and talk. on thursday I mentally prepare for work again and usually we go out to play another roleplaying game with her roommates friends. a lot of that free time that's been left unmentioned is spent being over at bae's sometimes so I don't have the ability to get much work done. Lately I've spent most of my time planning a dnd campaign which is fun but also too stressful on account of obviously I'm not playing it yet so like what's the point, sorry friends who have patiently waited for months for me to be ready to start the game for them. And also like. Yeah idk. just sad and confused and resting my weary heart and body after a very rough month after my grandma passed. But! I did accomplish a very crazy deep cleaning of my room. I threw out 14 bags of shit at the least. I wish I weighed it all, it was a lot. I feel so much more organized and cleansed from that. For the record I didn't have any trash in my room, nor was it every a mess. Just every single cabinet and drawer was crammed full of stuff and I guess I hoarded a lot of shit. I was able to throw away a lot of things I held on to be cause of sentimentality and I'm proud of myself for growing that way. So like. Idk. It's not all bad, baby steps. I still feel like I'm constantly improving as a person! I'm positive, optimistic. Just tired, anxious, and feel bad.

Also I finally got a new phone and because of my hubris I dropped it without a case and it shattered only two weeks in. The day I was gonna buy a case. But it's ok. Story of my life I guess. I can't keep everything pristine and polished forever, one day shit falls and breaks but it's still usable. It has character.

I wasn't expecting to dump everything like this, sorry yall. Thanks for reading I guess. Also I forgot how to do a read more on mobile lol sorry

#personal #capn whitey #tw death #i guess

2 notes · View notes

larissaloki · 6 years

Text

Larissaloki homelife rants

Ok this is a major rant to get things off my chest and f have trigger warnings for suicide and depression and such things, dont read. Ps this post i an absolute mess of a rant.

Ok so I’m only 2fucking4, and i am already wanting life to just bloody end. Literally life is killing me. Not to be a whiny millennial but life is fucking difficult for any singular person to get by. Everything in governments are pretty much based (at least it seems in the uk) on relying on a good network of people around you.

I have a loose network of people and none i can depend on financially. I mean this as nicely as possible and ill explain why. My best friend that help me is dealing with trying to find her own way in life and save money and i working nearly all the time to get by. All grandparents are either working full time still at their age or medically unable to help out.

When i was childless i had an ok life but i was still with mum unable to save up to move out. At least not by myself. But i had plans for uni out of my home county. Courses that require me to not be pregnant.

I fell pregnant as contraception failed me. The guy i was with didn’t want kids but I’m against abortions unless needed. I was medically healthy and at the time i had lots of support from my mum so I made the decision to keep. I managed to get a fairly good job that worked around my lifestyle and my mums hours and was coping great.

Then things slowly fell apart. My mum kept changing hours to the point i was unable to have a stable baby sitter for when i needed to work. The other grandparent works full time and so would be unable to help. So i regretfully had to resign from work to stay home.

Now a lot of people see to think people on benefits live great lives and have lots of money. No we don’t.

Bills still need paying. They rack up while your waiting for said benefits to go through. I already suffer anxiety and depression and this just really set me off. Ive only been on benefits for 1 year and a half but i can already see the difference in spending. When i first started i could spend 30 out of my 60 I get a week for minimum amount of food and the rest for bus fair for appointments or to get around as i had a child in a buggy. The rest went on bills and replacing things that seemed to keep breaking and my rapidly growing child (i got a further 70 from another benefit a week which wa used on the stuff i just mentioned) i never had extra one so Christmas was a far off dream and pretty much sucked. I never felt so bad as unable to get anything great for my kid other than a few small items or cheap stuff or had my mum help me with.

Over the course of my time on benefits I’ve ended up spending more on food weekly as food prices (often nearer to 60-70 a week now) or bus fair rises (3;50 to being 4 pounds). My benefits don’t. From before where i had no extra money to begin with I’m nowhving to try and rebudget.

Over the course of the year my laptop broke that i use to battle depression by writing and job searching. My phone has broken and at the moment I’m burrowing old models from my best friend. I own literally nothing. Yet these things are required to be able to function in everyday society. I cant use library much as it requires bus fair to get to each day if i wanted to go and. Can’t go in each day anyway with a child that refuses to stay still. My son is energetic and even at 3 doesn’t sleep through the night. Wakes up 5;30 each morning at the moment.

As it is I’m sat at home each day every day wondering how the fuck am. Going to adjust next week money to pay so so bill?! Im already spending nearly 15 on jut electric alone at the moment. 12 for tv license, 40 for water and 10 for gas and finally 20 for council tax. Take in what i earn above plus adding once a month I get 80 which. Use for my water bill and bus fair each month.

All this is before i even get to my actual tv packages which are basic and my phone contract to be able to keep on the net and contact with family members that all live outside of my county.

If I didn’t have my son right now i honestly would have given up on life. I’m just tired of just fuckng going hungry to make sure my kid if healthy and happy. My body has pretty much gone into survival mode where every bit of food i do eat is stored in me making me actually gain weight even though i eat like a mouse!

I’m fucking tired of government trying to make it worse by cutting back certain benefit and yet giving themselves wages that rival footballers.

My son i what keeps me going his cheeky smiles and love and innocence gives me life to keep on. My bet friend also deserves thanks as without her support despite her own struggles and buying me food every now and again i would not be driven to do certain projects or would of had complete meltdowns. Bless zach’s other grandma that helps us as well when she can an buy’s us food occasionally.

Don’t take those that help you for granted. Cherish those that offer a hand despite everything else.

#larissaloki #life #depression #anxiety #stress #money problems #hell on earh #we live in a dystopian world #suicide thoughts #mum life

2 notes · View notes

evilgenderywizard · 4 years

Text

ranting here cause i have nowhere else and this is my safe space and i warn you now the stuff mentioned is related to some very poor mental health issues and sexual assault so proceed with caution

back in november of 2020 i had a full mental breakdown that included threats to those around me both physical and verbal cause i hasnt slept for 4 days and was in the midst of a manic episode well eventually im in the er and they conclude that i need to be in a behavioral hospital until im stable again so i go to the local behavioral hospital for 5 days where my mental health only declines due to lack of family and friends plus the meds they put me on made everything even worse than it was i was delusional and hallucinating and having flashbacks from when i was molested as a little girl i hated that hospital with everything in me and when i returned home i begged my mother not to EVER make me go back for any reason even though i keep getting worse ie my flashback episodes were increasing my anxiety and paranoia were increasing just any bad thing you can think of were increasing well recently i have only been been taking mood stabilizers and the occasional anxiety medication and i have a very bad habit of not taking my mood stabilizers for days at a time and i had a fight with my dad a couple months back that resulted in him getting blocked and when he finally tried to get in contact again it went straight to voicemail and he thought i deactivated my phone so he took me off of his plan so now i cant go for walks with music or call the few people that heavily impact my mood (in a good way) so now im gaining all my weight back and more and i keep going into depressive episodes over every little thing when im off my meds so i try to escape by going to a friends house down the road but i go there and they’re yelling at each other and that friend happens to be a very loud person in general when they’re excited or mad or just about any emotion frankly so thats too loud for me but i come back home and me and my mom are getting into screaming matches over the absolute stupidest shit like chips for instance about 15 minutes ago and i have a friend thats out of town but theres 7 people in that house plus she doesnt like any of them so again yelling so everywhere i go theres yelling and i cant get a bit of peace and i went so far as to tell one of my friends i wanted to go back my least favorite place in the world which would be the behavioral hospital just so i could get some peace or even hitch a ride to my dads house to which i have a key and hes never home just for some peace and quiet and i feel like im stuck cause i have no one to talk to thats been to a hospital except my mom and a friend i prefer not to speak to much cause shes too much for me and everyones like “yea thats a mood” or “i feel you” when NO NO YOU DO NOT NO ONE EXCEPT MY PROBLEMS KNOWS WHAT IM TALKING ABOUT and i started crying against my will cause im just tired of all the loudness and i just want some peace and quiet for 5 minutes without screaming matches and im so tired of it and i just wish i could cease to exist for a few hours and its so stressful and i cant stand it anymore im not asking for advice im just getting this off my chest so i hopefully calm down and if you read this far thanks for coming to my ted talk

0 notes

karuoke · 7 years

Text

3 years ago i’ve almost died on a bathroom floor few feet apart from my roommates that i didn’t really have a good relationship with. Back then, things were bad in my head, but not bad enough to prevent myself from doing anything, it was my unhealthy lifestyle that caused me to faint before i got to do anything. Waking up hours later on the same spot without anyone knowing something was happening, I dragged myself back to my room and slept for almost two days straight, missing all my classes my parents were paying for. Few days later I got a tattoo, cliché i know, of a cross on the back side of my neck, just a little reminder that I survived it once and maybe life was giving me a second chance. I was never really good at anything, mediocre at best, which thanks to need for money from the school’s side got me to an art university. My mediocrity did not get better and at the end i was the only one that did not graduate. my self-esteem was never good, dad always made sure of it and seeing my scores didn’t make me feel otherwise. Got into fandoms and for a little while I had a feeling like I have a purpose, doing something for others was nice. I didn’t know I was depressed back then, tried to find solution what could be wrong with me, I wasn’t able to really get physical or feel romantic feelings towards anyone, tumblr told me that’s being asexual, i hated looking in the mirrors and i hated the fact that I was getting hit on or touched against my will just because i was a girl, tumblr told me that I’m probably trans. Tried to accept those and see if it was the reason, it was not. I couldn’t focus on anything, I hated everything I created, I wasn’t able to talk to my family about what’s happening to me cause I already let them down many times before. When the fact that i have been neglecting school came out, I had to let my parents know, they didn’t deserve to pay for me when i was this ungrateful. I packed my stuff and left my university city and got back home where I was mostly with my dad only cause everyone else moved out and mom was coming home late. I always felt tension around him and my only “go to” place were my online friends who I had to stay awake for late in the night. Bad sleeping schedule was one of the many things that bothered my dad. Used to have a pet but like many others, it died right under my hands because i wasn’t given full control over how to raise it. That combined with funerals from my family made me think that i might be some beacon of bad things. I had to go look for jobs and barely could keep any, because of my insomnia i was unreliable and had to end the job. I saved enough money to visit my friends in america, stayed with one for three months, where my “no”s didn’t mean a thing and i was touched against my will and made fun for not being responsive and wanting “personal space” from him after. Second friend tried to give me haven and things went badly as well, thanks to me not having stable job or home, I got banned from further visiting america. coming back home, my parents got divorced and mom was living in a different house. Maybe things would be better now that I don’t have to “run away” from home to feel good? She found herself a boyfriend and was still working the same job, until late at night, still talking her big plans with stars in her eyes, plans that we both knew will never happen. My brother’s wife got distanced from the family purely from my fault and misunderstandment, making her stay in here uncomfortable. Never had much money, but things had to get worse, mom’s car broke, car that she uses everyday to get around the city for work, she lost her clients, her boyfriend cheated on her multiple times but she always brought him back because she thinks she can’t do better. Her health got bad to the point of staying in the hospital for 2 months. And there I was, jobless, not being able to do much to help but to scribble some pictures and beg people for commissions just so for once im a help and not a burden. My friend also came through and employed me even thought he needed every cent, starting on a big project and all, just to give me some sort of income. In the meantime, having nothing else to do, I was mostly on the internet where I met some great people, but made way more enemies than friends. My low self-esteem also crawled its way into my doodling where i dropped my more original styles to go for realistic ones- ones that made it be so i barely create anything without reference, otherwise i would feel like it’s shit. Being in fandoms was my only was of doing something i enjoy, got used to it over the years, but my mind doesn’t work like others, I have thoughts that others don’t agree with and don’t want to hear, be around. My unwanted welcome was obvious even before the death threats. Over the years I got many, stronger person would ignore them, but even if they are not worse than whatever i tell myself daily, it’s more like an affirmation that I really am worthless, sometimes even added more reasons why. I see myself getting uglier each day and I can’t bring myself to do anything with it. I’m unhealthy and lazy and I can’t do anything about it. I tried therapist and medicine which turned out being horrible and I can’t bring myself to try and “help myself” with finding a new one On the new year’s, things were supposed to be better. Nothing could be worse than all those thoughts and feelings I had in the previous years, right? It’s only january, I broke someone’s heart and felt more distant from my family than ever. I got myself a little fluffy bun, needed something alive there with me, something that would distract me from thinking about how miserable I am each day and focus on making its life the best it can have. 10 days later, bun died on a heart attack, being another thing to die right bellow my hand. With that I kind of lost my reason. I wanted to be help for my mom but she’s doing fine on her own and i’m more in the way. There are people I’m related to that wouldn’t shed a tear for me and my friends could lose the weight of me forcing them to re-assure me that things are gonna be fine all the time when they have their lives and their problems. For a long time I couldn’t imagine what my future might look like, don’t think I would get much further from now on. I bear so much guilt and pain with me, there’s just too many issues that i don’t know the answer for or i completely lost the energy to try and fix myself, to get better. Bad things keep happening to remind me that nothing good lasts and i will keep crying myself to sleep until i myself put the end of it. In the end, i’m the only problem to all this. I don’t know why I decided to pour my heart on the site that caused me half of these thoughts or why do I think anyone would care, nothing else much to lose I guess. Having some sort of diary is healthy, right? Even though i keep talking about these things and then delete them because i’m embarassed for being “dramatic”. I don’t think there’s much to be said, my friends grew desperate too and the only words at this point could translate to “go to a fucking therapist”, i just...can’t. I’m stuck in this circle and i’m not able to get out on myself, no matter how many people yell at me to do it. The problem isn’t that i don’t feel loved but more than I know I am loved which makes it harder to go and do what my heart and mind truly desires to do. Because I don’t want to hurt anyone again. I know people have it worse, I know I know. And this is probably and incomprehent mess that makes no sense but it’s moments like these that make me wish that I could go back to that night and finish the job, it’s not like i felt worth living ever since.

#personal #tw suicide #will delete later #i know i keep being dramatic on a fucking tumblr out of all places but #everytime thing like this happens it drags me back into these thoughts and how hopeless and out of place i feel #losing something i was ready to live for is hard #especially when you mostly live for others but that seems to not be enough anymore #life isn't for everyone i guess #some are fighters #and some are not #and with not being able to do anything #i will just be worthless and not do anything until something good happens for once and it ends it all for me

28 notes · View notes

perdizzion · 7 years

Note

I just happen to stumbled upon ur account and saw that you'll be quitting med school. I have a dilemma that I want to share with someone. Im a newly enrolled first yr med student and classes just started a week before. But I'm starting to form some doubts whether I really want to be a doctor or not. Its not that I cant handle the academics its just that do i really see myself being a doctor in the future and actually feel happy about it.

I dont even know if being a doctor is my dream anymore or just my parent’s.

Hiya! Thank you for sharing your thoughts with me, anon! I don’t know if my answer will help you or not, but I will try to do my ABSOLUTE BEST to reply!!

Ok so. Med school. Tricky stuff. I’ll tell you a little bit about my background and what I’m up to right now to give you a Good Feel about how things are going after the decision I’ve taken and whatnot.

I got into med school about 4 and a half years ago, and like any student who worked their asses off for their desired universities’ entrance exams, I was beyond ecstatic when I found out that I had gotten in. I started attending lectures, group discussions, student projects, and for the first few years, I felt like hey, I think I can actually do this! The exams were pretty tough, I can’t say I liked pharmacology and neurology, but I passed just fine and so I thought that things were going to be fine.

[Narrator voice] things were, in fact, not fine.

I started having doubts around..3rd year, I think? Everything just started to become so dull no matter how much free time I was using to do my hobbies (drawing and doing art in general) and I think that was when my depression started to really rear its ugly head. I started to miss classes, isolate myself from my friends, stay in bed all day, and the only people that had kept me sane were my family and a few close friends of mine telling me to take care of myself when I was too depressed to do so. I tried thinking about whether I’ll be happy being a doctor in the future, and then I noticed that I couldn’t even imagine myself in a white coat, working in a clinic and talking to a patient.

This is when I finally realized that all this time, my wanting to go to med school wasn’t even because it was my dream. It was my parents’.

I struggled a lot to get through some of the days, but I managed to keep up the facade in front of my uni friends until I finished 4th year and received a “degree”. (In Indonesia, finishing 4th year of med school grants you a “bachelor of medicine” though you can’t really use it for anything yet until you’ve finished 2 more years of clerkship and get a “dr” in front of your name).

Clerkship happened after 4th year. If I had to use one word to describe clerkship, it would be hellish. I don’t know if this is how it works in every country, but in Indonesia, clerkship demands med students to attend hospital shifts with inhuman amount of working hours. We had to do 36 hour shifts every twice a week, and 9 hour shifts every other day. This might sound pretty light to some people, but it was super tough for me what with the amount of additional assignments and exams that we still had to do during our rotations.

After 2 months of clerkship, my depression grew so much worse to the point where my best friend (bless her heart) had to call me almost everyday to help me sleep at night because the thoughts in my head wouldn’t leave me alone. Finally, I called my sister who lives in a different city to fly to where I was living in to take me to see a psychiatrist. It didn’t help because my doctor was super shitty about my condition (“all med students experience depression at one point because med school is just that hard, don’t worry, I’ve been there”) but I did take the meds. And I was planning to carry on with clerkship, until one day the meds gave me orthostatic hypotension (it was one of the side effects of the drug that I was taking) and I fainted in the middle of a surgery. When my mom (who lives in another city) found out about this, she was livid. She flew to my place right on that exact same day to take care of me, though she hadn’t known about my depression yet at the time.

The next day, I told her everything. Like, everything. About how med school had truly been stressing me out, about how I didn’t feel like med school was the right place for me anymore, about how clerkship had been making me feel like I was a worthless piece of shit because the doctors kept yelling at me, about how clerkship had also been making me realize that I wasn’t good with patients and that their lives are literally in my hands and that a single mistake could lead to their death and how I could never live with that much guilt in my life, about how I was so tired of being too sleep-deprived to properly function everyday, let alone to stitch a patient’s cut-up hand back together.

I told her that I wanted to quit. And so I did.

And you know what? It feels amazing.

I’ve been sleeping regularly for the past few months. I get to draw everyday now, and still make money out of doing commissions. I interact with my family a lot more and I don’t check up on them only when I need them to transfer me some money to buy food. I eat three meals a day like a normal human being and it feels so, so good. I applied for a scholarship so I could earn a Master’s degree in biomedicine abroad (it’s not art school, which is where I actually want to go to, but it’s not med school either so I’ll take it), I passed the first stage and now I’m just trying to do my best to pass the next two stages so I could get a full-ride.

Things are okay. Things are good.

Things haven’t always been good, of course. People tell me that I was “so close to reaching my dreams!”, that my parents “must be so shattered to hear that you wanted to quit!”, that I am just “wasting away my potential.” My grandparents called me a disappointment a few weeks ago while telling me that I should just give up on my scholarship application and go back to med school. My dad told me that he wished I could “go back to the way I was and be happy again.” My mom cried multiple times. It hasn’t been easy on my mental health, but honestly? Fuck it. Fuck every single guilt-trip that my parents have had to put me through. Fuck everyone at uni who’s been spreading false rumors about how I quit med school because “I got cancer” or “I got knocked up.”

I absolutely hated how the doctors did anything back in the hospital. The rich patients got immediate treatment, and the poor got dismissed. The mentally ill were mocked behind closed doors, and med students were treated like trash. Rooted seniority where the senior doctors hazed junior doctors were still a thing (in Indonesia, at least). Literally everyone in the hospital had a superiority complex and I fucking hated it. Neither my parents nor my grandparents will have to be the ones to experience this on a daily basis for years though, so fuck outta here with your negative comments about my decision.

I quit med school because I did it for me, and only me.

This is by no means supposed to scare you away from med school just so you could jump into my bandwagon, heck no. I’m telling you this because nobody told me that this could be a possibility. Everybody I knew kept telling me that the only thing you’ll need to succeed med school is firm determination and hard work, and while that may be true for some people, I required a lot more than that, like a stable mental health, a good support system, etc. I failed to meet these requirements, and so everything turned into a shipwreck for me. My other friends, however, who were well-prepared with all of these, are managing to continue med school just fine.

That being said, this answer is definitely supposed to make you think about your decision more thoroughly. One of the most often things that people tell me post-med school is that “you should’ve quit earlier if you hadn’t liked it; it would’ve saved you a lot of time.” I hate the fact that I agree with this. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve still had time to search for a school that was more relevant to my interests and start over from a blank slate. If I had quit years ago, I would’ve been able to graduate from a new school and earn an actual proper job by now so I could help my parents out with our finance. Of course, my parents would’ve been way more harsh on me if I had told them that I wanted to quit so early on, but if you own the privilege of having parents that would genuinely and willingly listen to you, please talk about it with them. I had a friend who quit med school around a few months before 1st year ended; he’s in business school now and from what I’ve heard, he’s pretty happy with where he is right now.

Whew, that was long. I swear I didn’t mean for it to be this long!! Let me know if any of that helped or if you just want to talk off anon with me in general! I know firsthand how this kind of dilemma can eat you up whole, and it’s not a fun experience, so just hmu if you want to chat

Have a nice day!!

#THIS GOT SO LONG OMG LKSDJFSD IM SO SORRY #I GOT CARRIED AWAY #i just....really wanted to explain everything as descriptive as possible #so i could help at least a little bit #aAAA #anonymous #answers

18 notes · View notes

darktyrannomon · 7 years

Text

im kinda really upset cause i think i’ve found the perfect cat companion (he’s 2-3 years old, off black with a white fleck on his chest, and his name is STORM) from the rescue centre but my mum doesnt want another cat in the house

we’ve had cats p much before i was born and tho my mum loves them she’s really allergic and since milly died a few years back she’s really noticed the difference in NOT having them and is really averse to getting another cat

which i get

but im kinda salty cause my brother and sister just DROPPED pets on my parents without saying anything (my brother, a kitten, my sister, a rabbit..... and she put her girl rabbit in with one of the boys we were looking after and we got many baby bunnies) and when i brought this up my parents said ‘you dropped a horse on us!’

no i did not

i had a conversation about getting a horse, and whether i could afford it and what would happen and how to look after it and how it’d help me get out of the house when i cycled through depression because i’d have a RESPONSIBILITY to that animal and that animal would rely on me. she also DOES NOT LIVE IN THE HOUSE

yes, i’ve had to ask for help a few times in the past two years when either i’ve not been getting enough hours, or recently when i had to quit work because of my mental health but that was not SPRUNG on you. luna was not SPRUNG on anyone she was TWO THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED POUNDS STERLING just to BUY let alone buy FOR and KEEP. that’s NOT A FUCKING DECISION i SPRUNG on

every little thing i pay out for her is calculated and necessitated and literally on the whole yard i think i must own the least amount of pure stuff bought for my pony

her saddle was £80 bought off a friend, her bridle £30. i scrimped and saved and only got what she Needed and because she is a good horse she needs very little. i pay £100 a year in vets bills for her jabs and teeth, £45 every 8 weeks for her farrier, £150 a month for her livery, £25 insurance a month, £15 in feed every maybe 2-3 months and she barely has any new stuff unless im in dire need of it. half her rugs are cheap bootsale/bought off friends/freebies from friends and i’ve had the same tools for 6 years, and they’ll keep on longer. my brushes are for when i was loaning ponies at 9 years old at my riding school so they’re at least 15 years old. my section of the tack room is a shelving unit with her brushing box, treat tub, and wash stuff on it, a trunk with her lunging equipment, medical stuff, and feed in, a feed bin, and her saddle rack. she has two stable rugs, a fleece, a lightweight and medium weight turnout, and a fly rug. that’s it.

i bought her whilst i was in a place to pay for her fully, by myself, without aide. i bought everything to do with her myself. my dad treated me to a shavings future fork because my cheap one broke within 2 weeks of using it and this thing hasn’t failed me since. my wheelbarrow has broken and my dad has fixed it twice. i use a tyre on it that doesnt deflate. its only since i’ve been working at build a bear, where my shift hours were so irregular and stupid, that i’ve needed help. there was a gap between my job at game and at the range that i needed help. i’ve needed help since february because i am out of work and medically signed off of work. i am grateful for their help

but i did not spring luna on people

i thoroughly calculated everything, i still do. i never bought new riding boots even tho mine sundered 5 years ago whilst i was still at uni. i’ve just been bought a new really cheap pair as part of my birthday present.

i dont keep my horse stuff all over the house. i keep it in a small corner of the alcove under the stairs. everything else i keep in my car.

i didn’t spring her

i had a conversation with several family members, and NONE OF THEM said no

they said ‘if you think you can afford it? its a big commitment!’ so i calculated and said fuck it. i spent the summer at my job looking after luna, as she was one of the stud horses where i worked, and in the middle of it i went yeah. this horse is gorgeous. her personality is amazing. and my best friend had been in the breeding course at uni the year before when they were learning to back horses and she said luna was wonderful. i had certified knowledge of how this horse was, and one of my lecturers was the yard vet. i wasnt blindly scooping up an animal and springing it

the dog was sprung on my dad - but that was mostly my mum’s fault. i did the whole 11 year old ‘HE’S SO CUTE CAN WE KEEP HIM’ and i’d been asking for a dog for years but they always said no, so i wasnt really expecting anything, and then my mother told me that she had asked my dad and he said it was okay so one evening we went to pick him up. apparently my dad didn’t know anything i find out 10 years later and it was my mother who sprung it on HIM and my dad really doesn’t like dogs (but he loves harvey cause harvey is so good tbh). harvey’s technically still on his ‘two week trial’ lmfao but he’s obvs never going back

and like am i the only person in this family with a conscience and like, anxiety over what people will do/say if i just brought a fucking cat home because THEY HAVE ALL DONE IT WHAT THE FUCK

#this is a long thing im sorry apparently i had some stuff to get out and im crying so that's great #this turned out stupid and i think this is just venty feelings idk #idk #blargh

2 notes · View notes

credulouscanidae · 7 years

Text

i just wanna…complain a bit here but im hesitant to cuz when i talk about my head stuff and wellbeing theres always someone who stumbles into my ask box criticizing me but whatever

just had my first appointment with a psychologist about gender transition and im…..unhappy? i mean if this is the shit you have to go through to transition then bloody hell are the people who got through it are strong

firstly i was talked over and did more listening than explaining. she kept making assumptions and kinda acted like i SHOULD be saying yes to them.

she just….had a lot of generally shitty views. she kept basically saying “pronouns are too confining cuz im just me ^_^” and she even said similar about autism (cuz i had to talk about my family and that came up). shes like “what even is autism anyway ya know? it’s just a collection of traits ppl have. YOU could even be on the spectrum” and basically alluding to that whole “everyone is kinda autistic” BULLSHIT. made me super uncomfortable.

she asked me if i had any support networks and i explained i get a lot of support online. i was going on to say i get lots of rl support but she cuts me off and goes into this ramble about online not being validating enough cuz u NEED rl support. after her rant i kinda defensively said i have a good rl support network. didnt even get to explain WHO cuz she kept fucking interrupting me with her bullshit.

then i had to give a brief timeline of my life and of course that means talking about dad. she asked if i had any suicide attempts which i stupidly said yes. she keeps relating my experiences to “oh yeah lots of trans ppl have had this happen….father issues among transmen is very common” and im like…what are u getting at. ugh. i explained one of my suicide attempts that was inspired by my older brother’s attempt method. she said i was being a bit of a copycat cuz i saw bro do it and she trivialized it to “playing chicken with a train” and “would you even count that as a suicide attempt?”

also she kept going on about how the brain isn’t developed until 22 years old and then kinda used that as an excuse to start talking about how young trans people are …..god idk?? she basically said “in the 70s it was punk….these days it’s gender haha” kinda like a statement?? that pissed me off. got to the point where i felt like i had to add in exaggerated anecdotes about my childhood to even SEEM VALID. all what i said was true, just exaggerated.

i didn’t tell her about my bpd out of fear, but she mentioned bpd at one point basically saying “ppl like that have identity issues so we’re hesitant to let them medically transition”

then it got really fucking awkward when i was talking about my depression and how much better im managing it. i mention i have ambition and hope for the future, which is different to a few years back. she asks what things make me hopeful, i tell her my partner (we talked about him before this but i’ll explain this soon), my friends, the idea of gender transition, making a living, etc. then she’s like “if gender was taken out of that mix, would u still be hopeful?” and im like “uhhhh….i mean…life would be harder for me but i could get by…i just dont see myself in a future without transition…im tired of living like this” and then shes like “thats a bit of a red flag. are you saying you’d kill yourself if you didnt get to transition?” (we had just been talking about suicide) and im like….legit shocked. im like “no??” and then had to spend 5 minutes, nearly on the verge of tears, trying to explain that that’s not what i meant. she said that that’s the WRONG reason to want to transition and puts pressure and manipulation on her to approve it. i said thats not what i meant and that i find the “lemme transition or i kill myself” thing wrong.

so that made me feel extremely fake and manipulative and awful lmao

and earlier before this convo when she asked what my support networks were, i FINALLY got to explain i have a lot of rl friends and roommates and honestly the only prominent online support is from my partner since he’s from the uk. this turns into a running convo that appears throughout the session about internet safety. she questioned “but how is that even a relationships, like what do u do?” and then i shyly say that we talk on skype/video chat almost daily and then she goes on this spiel about “people on the internet can make themselves out to be like anything they want to be to appeal to you” and i got super defensive. i said i trust him and i know what im on about. she asks how long we’ve been dating (there goes my wanting to tell her it’s a qpr) and i exaggerated AGAIN saying weve been friends for 2 years and been together 6 months. lets not forget when i finally tell her about my mum and shes like “did u seek out your relationship with your partner after your mums death? did u get attached bc of that?” and then she said some other shit about autism that i dont even wanna talk about on here.

and oh goddddd what else.

OH YEAH i had to tell her about my abuse history and by extension mums and she basically asked “how do u know youre not being abused by this partner in the uk?” following her logic that im doomed to be abused just because mum was and i have been in the past.

and then as i left she kept stressing that i need to get approval by other doctors saying im emotionally stable and not at risk of suicide bc hormones can fuck u up. and yeah ok fair enough. i tell her im very in touch with my emotions and she says back “well if you’re reading them properly”

who fucking knows anymore.

lady, you’re trans so you know better than anyone else what dysphoria feels like. you talked 80% of the time for an HOUR. you DON’T KNOW who I AM. you do NOT know SHIT about me or my struggles or the fact that ive been ACTIVELY WORKING ON MY MENTAL ILLNESS FOR YEARS. (OH AND ACCORDING TO HER “MENTALLY ILL” IS A PROBLEMATIC TERM CUZ ???? WHY??)

and i cant even use my psychiatrist to write a letter saying im stable and ready for transiton cuz earlier to-fucking-day he told me i should hold off transition until my bpd is under control and that it’s not smart to pursue it. oh and also he put me on medication. :)

yeah uhhhhhhhh…..i think i know myself better better than anyone. im not coming into this expecting transition to be easy. dont even think i was oblivious to how emotional it can be. it’s fucking awful. i know this. ive had literally 3 different doctors tell me “OOOOOO YOURE EMOTIONALLY UNSTABLE TRANSITION ISNT A GOOD THING YOU PROBABLY JUST CONFUSED” and im like….yeah…..definitely confused after all these years. definitely. it’s not like i stayed trans even after all this shit or anything. gender psych wants me to “unwrap” my sexual trauma so she can….idfk….deem me really trans or some shit.

how the fuck do people deal with professionals. ive had small doses of this sorta shit my entire counseled life, always trivializing my symptoms to just being “stressed”. i wasnt believed about my symptoms besides depression+anxiety for YEARS…and now that im finally opening up about my bpd and gender stuff, im getting this intense dose of professional bullcrap and im already sick of it.

gender psych interrupted me and condescended me the entire time. shes so fucking ableist ESPECIALLY towards autistic people (and once again my allistic privilege played a part cuz i can only IMAGINE how differently that appointment wouldve gone) and seems very technophobic, or at least against the way things are these days with LDRs and young trans ppl.

whatever. lets hope next session wont be so fucking messy.

#life of doge #suicide -#dont come running to my inbox lecturing me either cuz im actually pissed #gender -

10 notes · View notes

sarspax · 8 years

Text

I’m feeling good, share anything you feel you accomplished this month even if it’s small!

IM SO READY TO DRAW AND GET A TON OF STUFF DONE BUT I GOTTA DO ERRANDS AND DISHES FIRST.

I hope I don’t get too tired from those and end up not drawing :( Thats been like... literally the past few months for me. Just taking care of house and cats and pulling myself out of depression. Can safely say, the last three weeks or so I shed the last of the low level chronic stuff and my mood has been pleasantly stable. I think I’ve given myself enough things outside of my own head to care about that I’m not slipping all the time. Chores are getting easier to get myself to do and I’m building up a good relationship with my daily tasks that is slowly outweighing 20+ years of feeling like I’m trying to do parkour with lead boots on. I’m actually starting to get tired at the right time of day and even though I’ve never needed to sleep as much as most people I’m sleeping a little more consistently. Had to take care of my kitten who just got spayed but now that she’s healed I can stop sleeping on the couch. My back and my sleep quality will love me for it. Every day is getting easier. I wish I could make this progress faster but I think I’ve managed to fight through or cut out a lot of the things that were holding me back.

#idk i'll probably delete this later #text post #rambling #personal

14 notes · View notes

gene-zane-strider-blog · 7 years

Text

not again

i got tagged by @capri-sunqueen

i tag

@petalstripe @spoeeeee @mangledfox33 @ifanclover and anyone who wants to do it just say i tagged you and weird side note: my doge smells

[The last…]

Drink: soda

Phone Call: what

Text Message: eridan pyrope ( @petalstripe made me find out about the most precious bloodswap ever a few months back go follow @another-kidswap-bloodswap-au plz)

Song You Listened To: the judge by twenty one pilots

Cried: uh when i cried for no reason in the car

Dated Someone Twice: uh no. if we break up i have no reason to go back in a relationship with you sorry but no

Kissed Someone and Regretted It: tbh ive never had a real kiss :T

Been Cheated On: i havent really dated anyone :////

Lost Someone Special: my grandpa about a year or so back

Been Depressed: today when i woke up

Gotten Drunk and Thrown Up: im underaged and dont plan on ever gettin drunk

Favourite Colours: purple blue and green :3c

[In the last year, have you…]

Made New Friends: yee

Fallen Out of Love: yeah once

Laugh Until You Cried: yeah (damn fire eyes)

Found Out Someone Was Talking About You: yep. tbh i dont care *shrug*

Met Someone Who Changed You: uh yeah @petalstripe and @mangledfox33 and all my frens have influenced me in some way

Found Out Who Your Real Friends Were: ohhh yeah. im currently in the process of unfriending them

Kissed Someone On Your Facebook List: wf??? how do you kiss someone over the internet???

[General]

How Many Facebook Friends Do You Know in Real Life: uh two i guess

Do You Have Any Pets: A DOGE MY SON

Do You Want to Change Your Name: nah i like it but i would prefer to be called zane most of the time

What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday: uh had a sleepover and a mini party

What Time Did You Wake Up: around 10:30

What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night: sims

Name Something You Can’t Wait For: hiveswap tbfh

When Was The Last Time You Saw Your Mom: a minute ago

What Are You Listening to Right Now: crystalmethequins

Have You Ever Talked to a Person Named Tom: no unless one of my mutals’ names is that

Something That is Getting on Your Nerves: many things but mainly when people yell at me for something when they could do it politely and people who contradict themselves waaaayyy to often

Most Visited Website: youtube and tumblr

Hair Color: a dark brown

Long or Short: suer short

Do You Have a Crush on Anyone: hhhhhh yeah?? i think i talked about her once and just.. god i dont go one moment without thinking about how much i love her??

What Do You Like About Yourself: my eyes 0w0

Piercings: used to, but uh,,, stuff happened and now im waiting until im older to get them back

Blood Type: fuck how am i supposed to know that??

Nickname: kk kale zane zuzu turtle kai...

Relationship Status: singly but i have that one person im aiming for. she just wont,,, bleh

Zodiac: libra

Pronouns: she/her

Favourite TV Show: uhhh black butler i guess

Tattoos: no but maybe i will get one someday :T but im a lil wimp so probs not

Right or Left Handed: right

Surgery: once or twice

Sport: i have played soccer for a while but im gonna try to get on the schools volleyball team

Vacation: hah whats vacation

Pair of Tennis Shoes: uh idk the brand but i like em

[More General…]

Eating: wtf does this mean

Drinking: wh a t

I’m About To: scream because of my edgy af music

Waiting For: death

Want: a hug,,, a real life hug

Get Married: well yeah

Career: something in the arts

Hugs or Kisses: why not both??

Lips or Eyes: eyes?? i guess??

Shorter or Taller: im kinda tall for my age so taller i guess :/

Older or Younger: huh

Nice Arms or Nice Stomach: i got arms and a stomach what else do you want from me

Hookup or Relationship: what does this mean?? i want a relationship that is stable with a nice person

Troublemaker or Hesitant: troublemaker by default lol

Kissed a Stranger: and why would i do that?

Drank Hard Liquor: ??? im underaged

Lost Glasses/Contacts: neither i dont need thats tuff

Turned Someone Down: uh no

Sex on the First Date: for one im to young for that shit and probs not

Broken Someone’s Heart: probably

Had Your Heart Broken: once

Been Arrested: no im not that bad

Cried When Someone Died: i cried because my mom cried

Fallen For a Friend: LMAO YEAH TWICE IM DEMI

[Do you believe in…]

Yourself: ofc

Miracles: mIrAcLeS

Love at First Sight: nah. i usually want to get to know somebody + im demi + i dont believe in that + i dont fall for everyone i know

Santa Claus: even though i was told he wasnt real i still believe

Kiss on the First Date: ?? i guess??

Angels: well yeah of course

[Other…]

Current Best Friends’ Name(s): to many to list lol

Eye Color: blue/blueish-gray

Favourite Movie: hm... wall-e probs

0 notes