#so. i'm not sure of the risk level here. more information is needed.

[ahsoka-in-a-hood]

I think we all know, in our heart of hearts, that had Qui-Gon not already hit the problem of Watto being mind-trick resistant he WOULD have simply stolen Anakin and Shmi.

[ms-demeanor]

it's hard to find legitimate data on risks associated with alcohol--a lot of results from religious organizations w/ vested financial interest in evangelical cult-type shit comes up when i try. i drink heavily occasionally, mostly because i just really like the experience of getting blasted with close friends once every few months--any advice on tracking down actual *reputable* data on the risks of that?

(tamping down on the urge to anonymously defend my actions in my favorite anarchism blogger's inbox but i *will* allow myself to defensively note that i never drink to the point of blacking out or puking. this isn't really relevant to the question i just have brain problems where i feel compelled to defend myself against imaginary assumptions.)

Okay i want to start this out by pointing out that I'm not particularly judgemental about drug use. Any drug use.

Basically, you do you. As long as you're not drinking and driving or otherwise doing harm (for instance, attempting to provide childcare while too intoxicated to do so safely) the only thing you have to worry about is what alcohol is doing to *you* and I was a smoker for like twenty years knowing full well how awful for me it was. If you want to drink and you know the risks, do what you want.

So, all that said, I mean this very gently (because it's clear that this is a sensitive issue for you) but it is not particularly difficult to find good data about risks associated with alcohol from sources less biased than American evangelicals.

For some research on the overall risks of alcohol consumption, here are some good, comprehensive, recent papers about the effects of alcohol on both individuals and populations.

Risk thresholds for alcohol consumption: combined analysis of individual-participant data for 599,912 current drinkers in 83 prospective studies

Population-level risks of alcohol consumption by amount, geography, age, sex, and year: a systematic analysis for the Global Burden of Disease Study 2020

Alcohol consumption and risks of more than 200 diseases in Chinese men

Getting occasionally blasted with friends is what's called "binge drinking" - which is defined as five or more drinks within two hours for men or four or more drinks in two hours for women, or reaching a BAC of .08 (the legal limit for driving in the US). This is a lot lower than most people think of when they think of "binge drinking" - that's five beers, an average bottle of wine, or two strong cocktails like a long island iced tea. Five or more drinks wouldn't put most people into blacking out or puking territory, and if you're a seasoned drinker a BAC of .08 may not feel like anything over the top or ridiculous, but it is a drinking binge nonetheless and there are specific risks associated with binge drinking. Here are some write-ups on binge drinking specifically:

Binge drinking: Burden of liver disease and beyond

Binge Drinking’s Effects on the Body

Effects of Repeated Binge Drinking on Blood Pressure Levels and Other Cardiovascular Health Metrics in Young Adults

I get the urge to feel defensive, it sounds like this is something that's concerning you and from the tone of your ask it seems like this is something that you were not aware of and has made you uneasy. (And it sounds like you're around a lot of people who ARE judgemental about alcohol consumption for reasons that have to do with them imposing their morality on you, which is a shitty position to be in)

But hey i wouldn't be a very good marginal anarchist if I wasn't about making sure that people have informed interactions with the world.

I still go out and get shitfaced every once in a while because it's fun and there are things that I can do to mitigate the risks (like making sure I'm around safe people, don't have access to a motor vehicle, and don't do it often) but I do so with the awareness that what I am doing could have some pretty bad consequences and I need to make sure to watch out for my health to keep an eye on the systems that drinking like that might impact. If you're gonna drink, you should be keeping an eye on yourself generally. If you're gonna drink heavily (even if it's only every couple of months), you have got to keep an eye on your liver, pancreas, and heart specifically.

[notfinancialadvice]

How I Built an Emergency Fund, inspiration I deeply hope is helpful

As the blog URL says, this is not financial advice. This is how I did this thing, and I am posting it here, publicly, in hopes that it helps you should you need this information.

In short: Remix this advice to what fits your life + do not sue me if this goes poorly for you. This is for Americans, if you do not live in America and/or your money is not in America, I hope this is a useful base.

None of these links are affiliate links.

I write these things as a mental shift. I like to ramble and I wish I had someone tell me this stuff 20+ years ago. I'm hoping this helps you.

This is an incredibly long post so I'm putting it under a KEEP READING.

This post goes over two stages: "short term + not life-or-death" and "long term + actual life or death"

Part 01: SHORT TERM + NOT LIFE-OR-DEATH FUND

You need to find a high yield savings account that is FDIC insured. Ally is a popular bank for this.

Functionally, the only difference between a "high yield savings account" and "savings account" from the giant conglomerate bank down the street is the interest rate.

I do not know why non-high-yield savings accounts exist. I'm guessing because legally they can, and I hate it.

Moving away from my personal socioeconomic views to return to advice.

"FDIC insured" is not something you pay for. It is nearly universal on savings accounts. If a savings account, or a checking account, does NOT have it, then you should not put your money there. Something is wrong with that bank.

FDIC means if your bank goes out of business, your account is insured up to $250,000, per account, by the government. So if your bank goes out of business, the government makes sure you still have your cash (up to $250k).

A high-yield savings account means your cash is available whenever you need it.

Other products, like CDs, exist, but this ramble is designed to be as simple and starter as possible. Begin with a high yield savings account, build up from there as you do your own research + compare this to your needs.

Do not accept an account that has minimum balances. Do not open an account with monthly fees.

Touch this account as little as possible.

For every $1 you put in, every month, a few pennies will materialize. It's not much, but the main point is at every level, your money works for you.

Rich people do this. You can too.

Touch this account as little as possible.

You can have multiple savings accounts.

I personally have a savings account in the above structure designed for "oh hell I am kinda screwed, but will be okay, just need a buffer."

"How much should I have in there?" you might ask. Common advice says "3-6 months expenses" which is a lot. I say "start with literally $1 and continue as you can until comfortable with what is possible, for you, at this time."

Will $1 make you rich? No.

Will it save your life in a bad situation? Probably not.

Does this $1 essentially become a tiny robot that is making you money for as long as it is docked into its cargo bay? ...weird metaphor but we'll go with it, sure.

Ultimately is it a start? Yes.

You can have multiple savings accounts. You can have a savings account "this is for short term emergencies" and "this is for... slightly less short term" etc.

It costs you nothing to have multiple. They all operate in the same way. It's handy to have them all at the same bank because it can make transferring cash easier.

Part 02: LONG TERM + ACTUAL LIFE-OR-DEATH FUND WITH RISK SO BE CAREFUL

Once you have your savings account set up, and it's being funded on a regular basis (every week, every paycheck, every month, every quarter -- whatever works for you), look into creating a second, bigger, more dangerous-term cash reserve.

I like my Roth IRA. This is a link to a proper finance blog that has a lot of details. I am trying to make this handy/simple to get started.

401ks and (non-Roth) IRAs are funded with pre-tax dollars, frequently in conjunction with your job.

Normally, cash goes from job -> government takes a slice -> you.

Pre-tax retirement accounts, cash goes from job -> retirement takes the percentage you decide -> government takes a slice of what is left -> you

Roth IRAs, job -> government takes a slice -> you -> Roth IRA

The benefit to pre-tax retirement accounts being, because the cash going in is pre-tax, there is more of it.

It can grow faster in the stock market or other places your particular fund allows you to put cash into.

The taxes come out when you withdraw -- usually retirement -- because if you withdraw before you retire, you are heavily penalized with extra fees.

That's why Part 02 is a ROTH IRA. Your money has already been taxed -- job -> government's slice -> you -> Roth IRA.

This means the money is yours, already taxed. If you withdraw the gains, those get taxed, but the base, that's yours.

If you invest $100 and it grows to $105, you can withdraw $100 without paying fees or taxes. If you withdraw that extra $5, that is when taxes start to come into play. If you withdraw $100, and leave the $5, the $5 continues to grow, and that extra growth is taxed if withdrawn. So try not to touch it (ideally you leave all of it until retirement).

This is why this is an emergency, life-or-death only, account. You tap it only when you need to when all other choices are wretched and ruinous.

There is an annual limit as to how much money you can put into a Roth IRA (several thousand bucks).

You can start them very small. Like $20 or maybe less.

Look for a bank or institution that does not charge fees to open and maintain one.

AT EVERY STEP YOU SHOULD BE AVOIDING FEES

Here are smart people talking about ideas on how to get started.

Okay, so, what do we do now with this fancy roth thing.

Here is where things get... uncomfortable.

A Roth IRA is an account type.

You need to do something with your money.

The reason you have this in addition to, and secondary to, your high-yield savings account is because this is an investment vehicle, the balance is going to go up and down, and may reach $0.00.

For my Roth IRA, I like "exchange traded funds" -- ETFs.

There are a lot of options -- you can invest in most anything

Because my Roth IRA is built for "help me I'm dying" emergencies, I invest in a mix of S&P 500 index funds and small-cap funds.

SO MANY WORDS.

Let's break this down what this means.

S&P 500 index funds: This is an index fund of giant, giant, giant companies.

An index fund is like a stock. But instead of a single company, it tracks (owns shares of) an index -- like the DOW or Nasdaq. Or countries. Or... the entire market for oil. Etc.

The metaphor isn't completely accurate, but I like to think of it as "an index fund is a company that owns tiny bits of other companies."

Like, okay, say you have SlimeIndexFund and a share price is $40.

In this example, SlimeIndexFund owns $10 worth of "BardCo" and $10 of "ThiefCo" and $10 of "MermaidCo" and $10 of "EvilCo".

Let's say EvilCo does a lot of evil and is now worth $15, and MermaidCo does a lot of mermaid stuff and is now worth $15, and BardCo sings out of tune so is now worth $5. ThiefCo is oddly at the same $10 but we're scared so we're leaving ThiefCo to stay at $10.

A share in SlimeIndexFund is now worth $45. ($5 BardCo + $10 ThiefCo + $15 EvilCo + $15 MermaidCo)

This is diversification

Because I bought an index fund, instead of just buying BardCo, my risk is less.

Had I bought all MermaidCo, my return would be higher -- but this is a much bigger risk.

The entire purpose of this set up of a Roth IRA is TO MINIMIZE RISK.

Your Roth IRA should allow you to buy "fractional shares" and if it doesn't fuck that bank, go somewhere that does.

In the above example, SlimeIndexFund is $40/share and at that price you are getting the full benefit of 1 share.

Let's say you have $10.

You buy a fractional share of SlimeIndexFund for $10, which is 25% of 1 share.

So when SlimeIndexFund shares raise from $40 -> $45, your fractional share goes from $10 -> $12.50.

Not all funds and stock shares (etc) have fractional shares, most do.

It's a great way to start and build.

Small-cap funds: These operate in literally the same way. The difference is the companies are (in comparison) much smaller. They tend to be more nimble.

So I am diversifying between "here is a fund, it has a lot of large companies" and "here is a fund, it has a lot of small companies."

Let's say Big Office Building real estate goes down, but the sale of Small Company Making waffles goes up. This mixes together and I'm less in danger of losing money, or losing much money.

You can pick individual stocks.

The reason it is not recommended, by nearly everyone, is because the market has incredible tools and power over individual stocks.

By using any kind of fund that bundles things together, you are thereby automatically using these tools by proxy

It is critical to understand this is the stock market. Your account will go up and down. It may go down A LOT, like 25%, and take years to recover. Maybe it goes down 100% to literally $0.00.

That's why this is the LAST RESORT EMERGENCY FUND.

So why are we doing this.

This feels... wrong?

The potential for growth is significantly higher than a savings account. Adjusted for inflation, somewhere in between 6-7%.

At this rate, if you can leave your initial deposit alone for somewhere between 10 - 13 years, it has doubled.

This equation recalculates every time you make a deposit. So if you can deposit $20 every pay check, it has the potential to grow very quickly.

As above, this is the stock market, so it can also get wiped out.

But given the stock market has historically always recovered, though it may take several years, the risk is worth it to me + a lot of other people.

The reason this is built as a last-resort cash bucket is because of this risk. Before moving into this arena, you should have other cash buckets as a buffer.

Your RISK is it goes down. Which it will frequently.

Your REWARD is if it goes up. Which historically it has far more than it went down.

The PURPOSE of using funds as described above is so you don't have try to guess who the next Amazon is and wind up picking the next Pets.com (which went out of business, like, a long... long time ago).

The people making the funds figure out who is Amazon and who is Pets.com and work, day and night, to make your money grow and/or protect it when outside influences are hurting the market.

They are incredibly equipped to do this and their literal livelihood is on the line when they do it poorly.

Which is a polite way of saying, they are continuously incentivized above all else to work for the fund you're investing in.

The reason you're doing this in a Roth IRA specifically is you're hoping to keep as much of it intact, as possible, until you retire, at which point -- if you've followed fairly simple rules -- you withdraw the base and gains tax-free.

Whereas money in a normal stock account? Those gains are taxable every year.

"I have literally $20 I can save per pay check! Can I put in $15 into a high-yield savings account and $5 into a Roth IRA to get started?!"

Yes!

Also, congrats! You're diversifying already!

Your Roth IRA broker should allow you to invest a minimum of $1 at a time, and buy fractional shares. If they don't, don't sign up with them!

Lean heavily into your high-yield savings account until that is very comfortable and thick, then push money into the Roth IRA.

Your goal is to build a system that works for you -- both literally (money working for you) and emotionally ("this is comfortable")

"Should I pay off debt before proceeding? A lot of people say to pay off excess debt first."

This is up to you.

Most financial blogs etc. do say "focus on paying off debt first" -- it's good advice, your returns are risk-free and permanent, since the lower your debt is, the less you have to pay over time.

Interest -- working for you or against you -- is continuous and eternal.

Personally, I like to diversify everything, so I not-financial-advice ramble "do all three -- pay down debt, throw a little cash into a high-yield savings, throw a little cash into a Roth IRA"

The problem with "pay off debt first" is that it misses out any occasional giant gains the stock market makes (Roth IRA) and introduces the risk of "I have paid this credit card on time for 5 years, I'm short on change for 3 months due to a situation that gets resolved quickly, and now I have a late payment fee, and a higher interest rate."

Look at your life, finances, and potential future and make decisions!

And also:

Always be on the look out for deals with banks. Sign up bonuses, referral links from friends, etc. Think of it as a money sale.

If you are not comfortable with the idea of a Roth IRA hitting $0.00 potentially, do not do step 02. These are ideas, not directives.

All financial tools can be used for different purposes. All of them. Thus -- these are ideas, not directives.

I am listing a few examples of banks, funds, etc. These are not recommendations nor are they affiliate links. They are listed because I want to maximize your start on this path, but caution, in strongest possible terms, you must do your own research and figure out what makes sense for you.

There are a lot of nuances I am paving over for the sake of simplicity, which is why I am continually saying...

...c'mon say it with me...

...you must do your own research before continuing

Smart, free sites that cover this + a lot of other stuff:

NerdWallet

Bank Rate

One final note about Roth IRAs:

Robinhood currently is offering a 1% match on an IRA. Considering the strict limits of how much an IRA can intake per year, it's not much, but it doesn't cost you anything. Money on sale!

As a final note -- always feel comfortable asking people handling your money for help. They are working for you. Your money works FOR YOU.

If you are uncomfortable, leave, immediately, without concern.

At the retail level, there are hundreds of banks and financial institutions clamoring for your business. If someone makes you uncomfortable for not knowing something, or getting a term wrong, or asking "too many" questions -- go somewhere else.

It doesn't matter if your account is literally worth $20.

They are working for you.

This is a business transaction, and if they make you feel like your time isn't worth their business, I promise you there is someone else who will gladly take care of you.

I end with -- whenever someone is giving you financial advice, always ask why. It helps ensure they aren't scamming you, it's just a good business practice.

I like to ramble, it helps me mentally

I like to be useful, I want the world to be significantly more balanced in terms of who is doing okay

I like to write, this is all good practice for me in doing Various Other Things I do

I fucking hate predatory financial practices. I was gatekept out of financial literacy for decades and so every time I help someone else figure out how to set up their own life and protect themselves it is a giant "fuck you" to the systems and directly to the people who stood in my way.

[undedkat]

Period Products 101

There isn't much sex education in the US and Canada, so here's some information on period products.

I'm going over the common disposable and reusable period products, how to use them safely, what is most accessible for people with disabilities, if they can be used with an IUD, and if you can have sex with them in.

Pads and Tampons

Pads are a disposable period product placed on the underwear and worn outside the body. For boy-shorts and boxers, use pads without wings.

Tampons are a disposable period product inserted into the vagina to prevent blood from leaking outside the body. They are also safe to use in water and during physical activity.

Both tampons and pads can hold approximately 10-15 mL of fluid. Note that tampons should be worn to near saturation to prevent pain on removal. Pads and tampons can be safely worn for 4–8 hours. Be sure to always use pads and tampons made out of cotton and are fragrance-free.

Period Underwear

Period underwear is the reusable replacement to pads. It's functionally just another underwear you wear and can hold 20-40 mL of fluid. After use, rinse it out to remove the blood and throw it in the wash within 2 days. Aisle also has boxer options for people who prefer a more traditionally masculine style.

Period underwear can be worn for a full day safely, although some brands recommend replacing every 12 hours. They should last you upwards of 5 years.

Menstrual Cups and Discs

Menstrual cups and discs are the reusable alternative to tampons. Both can be worn safely in the water and during physical activity. PeriodNirvana has a quiz to help suggest the best cup or disc for you.

Menstrual cups are a small cup made of medical grade silicon that are inserted into the vagina and create a seal to prevent blood from exiting the vagina. They can hold approximately 30 mL of fluid.

Menstrual discs are a disc made of medical grade silicon that sits behind the vaginal fornix without creating a seal. They can hold approximately 50 mL of fluid.

To wear cups/discs safely, take it out and wash it every 10–12 hours using fragrance-free soap before re-insertion and boil your cup/disc once a month for about 5 minutes.

The product will come with a booklet explaining the insertion and removal process because it's a bit involved. Additionally, insertion or removal may get blood on your fingers. There should be no pain in the process.

Cups and discs last up to 10 years of use. If it's showing signs of degradation or falls into the toilet, replace it with a new one.

Toxic Shock Syndrome

Toxic Shock Syndrome (TSS) is a very rare but also life-threatening case of bacteria entering the body and releasing toxins. It is very rare but using tampons, menstrual cups, and menstrual discs is associated with increased risk (sources: NLM, saalt). Use the products as directed on the instructions to prevent TSS. Set a timer to replace/wash if needed.

IUDs

Most research currently shows that using a menstrual cup, menstrual disc, or tampons will not increase your risk of IUD expulsion, which occurs in about 3-10% of IUD insertions. That said, I have seen papers claiming the opposite and that more research needs to be done.

Be sure to discuss with your gynecologist and if it's possible to cut your IUD string shorter. Reproductive rights are not protected in many places, and it might be safer to use a pad or period panties.

PFAs

PFAs are commonly called "forever chemicals" and are a type of chemical that will not break down in nature. They have been linked to several negative health effects, including cancer. Under the current EPA standard editions, PFAs are prohibited in certified products. If present as a contaminant, the level must be below 100 ppm. There currently isn't much conclusive research on how bad PFAs are when used outside the body by the vulva, so your best bet is sticking with the 100ppm limit.

When looking up period products, reference tests run by external labs to ensure that the research was conducted correctly. Menstrual cups and discs are classified as low to no risk of PFAs by the FDA because they are made of medical grade silicon.

Accessibility

Menstrual cups and discs are often not accessible to people with disabilities because they have to be folded and wiggled around. The Hello Disc is probably the most accessible option on the market because it has a pull tab. There are some insertion tools for menstrual cups, however these are not necessarily the easiest to use.

The most accessible options are period panties or pads, although usability of anything will vary from person to person.

Sex on your Period

Menstrual cups create a seal inside the vagina that will prevent blood from reaching the vulva, so you can have oral sex with a cup in. Menstrual discs tuck behind the cervix, so you can have sex where a penis or fingers enter the vagina.

Frankly, just put a towel down on the bed during light flow and just have sex. If having sex with someone with a penis, then make sure you're using a condom. Blood washes out.

Douching

Don't ever douche. This is so horribly bad for you. Periods are a bit gross, but it's just a normal bodily function. There's no need to fight it. Don't put this shit anywhere near your body.

[hells-greatest-performers]

OH NO THE BABY BETTER BE OKAY

Alastor: *reaches out, gently but firmly grabbing Lucifer's arm* Please, Lucifer. Let's go to the hospital. We can't risk it.

Lucifer: *starts to feel a wave of dizziness, demonic form flickering* I... I didn't realize...

Alastor: *softer now, eyes filled with concern* I know you didn't. But we need to act quickly. For the baby's sake. For our sake.

Lucifer: *nods, finally reverting to his normal form, looking scared and vulnerable* Okay... let's go.

Alastor: *guides Lucifer carefully* I'm here with you. We're going to be okay.

Lucifer: *voice shaky* Thank you, Alastor. I'm sorry for...

Alastor: Shh, it's okay. Let's just focus on getting you the help you need.

They hurriedly leave the house via shadow magic, Alastor supporting Lucifer as they head to the hospital…

Upon arrival, Alastor helps Lucifer inside, where they are immediately attended to by medical staff.

Nurse: *seeing the state Lucifer is in* We need a wheelchair over here! *turns to Alastor* How far along is he?

Alastor: He's five months pregnant. He started bleeding suddenly.

Doctor: *arrives with a wheelchair* Let's get you to a room and see what's going on. Try to stay calm. We'll take good care of you.

Lucifer: *breathing heavily, gripping Alastor's hand* Thank you.

They quickly move Lucifer to an examination room and set up an ultrasound.

Doctor: *applying gel to Lucifer's abdomen* This might feel cold. We're going to check on the baby now.

Lucifer: *nervously watching the screen* Please, just tell me everything's alright...

Doctor: *examining the ultrasound* The baby's heartbeat is strong, which is a good sign. But we need to find the source of the bleeding.

Alastor: *standing by Lucifer, holding his hand tightly* What do we need to do?

Doctor: We'll need to monitor him closely and run a few more tests to ensure both he and the baby are safe. For now, you need to stay as calm and relaxed as possible. Stress can make things worse.

Lucifer: *nods, trying to calm his breathing* Okay... I'll try.

Alastor: *stroking Lucifer's hair gently* You're doing great, love. Just focus on our baby and staying calm.

Doctor: *smiling reassuringly* We'll take care of the rest. We'll keep you both updated on what's happening.

Lucifer: *squeezing Alastor's hand* I'm glad you're here with me.

Alastor: *kissing his forehead* Always.

Doctor: *finishing the ultrasound and wiping off the gel* Alright. It looks like the baby is stable for now, which is a good sign. However, the bleeding is concerning, and we need to figure out what’s causing it.

Lucifer: *worried* What do you think it could be?

Doctor: There are several possibilities. It could be a placental abruption, where the placenta starts to separate from the uterus. It could also be a sign of preterm labor, or an infection. We need to run some tests to determine the exact cause.

Alastor: *squeezing Lucifer's hand* What can we do in the meantime?

Doctor: For now, Lucifer needs to stay here for observation. We’ll run blood tests and keep monitoring the baby’s heartbeat. It’s important to keep stress levels down and to rest as much as possible.

Lucifer: *nodding, looking pale* Okay.

Doctor: *turning to the nurse* Let’s get an IV started and draw some blood for the tests. Also, prepare a room for overnight observation.

Nurse: Right away, Doctor. *begins setting up an IV line*

Lucifer: *tears welling up* I’m so scared, Alastor. I don’t want to lose the baby. I’m sorry I was playing favorites! I’ve learned my lesson! Just please make sure the baby is okay!

Alastor: *stroking Lucifer’s hair gently* I know, love. But we’re in good hands, and we’ll do everything we can to keep both of you safe.

Nurse: *gently inserting the IV* This will help keep you hydrated and allow us to give you any necessary medications.

Doctor: We’ll keep a close eye on you and update you as soon as we have more information. Try to rest now. The tests shouldn’t take too long.

Lucifer: *closing his eyes, trying to relax*

Alastor: *sitting beside the bed, holding Lucifer’s hand* Just focus on resting. I’m not going anywhere.

Time passes as the medical team conducts their tests and monitors Lucifer closely. Eventually, the doctor returns with the results.

Doctor: *entering the room with a serious but calm expression* Lucifer, Alastor, we have the test results.

Lucifer: *sitting up slightly, anxiety clear on his face* What did you find out?

Doctor: It appears that you have a mild placental abruption. The placenta has started to separate from the uterine wall, which is causing the bleeding. Fortunately, it’s a minor abruption, and the baby’s vital signs are still strong.

Alastor: *concerned* What does this mean for the pregnancy?

Doctor: With careful monitoring and rest, we can manage this condition. You’ll need to stay in the hospital for a few days for observation. We’ll administer medications to help prevent contractions and manage any pain. It’s crucial to avoid any physical or emotional stress.

Lucifer: *nodding slowly* Okay. I’ll do whatever it takes.

Alastor: *determined* We’ll follow your instructions, Doctor. Thank you for taking care of him.

Doctor: *smiling reassuringly* You’re welcome. We’ll do everything we can to ensure a safe and healthy pregnancy. Try to rest, both of you. We’ll be checking in regularly.

Lucifer: *squeezing Alastor’s hand* Thank you, Doctor.

Alastor: *kissing Lucifer’s forehead* Just focus on getting better.

Lucifer: *smiling weakly* I will. Thank you for being here with me, Alastor.

[dr-spencer-reids-queen]

Nameless, Faceless: Final Part

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!Reader

Word Count: ~1.8k

Summary: Not even four hours after the case in Canada, you're thrown into another one. This time, without Hotch. You have a sinking feeling he's not just blowing you off to get some sleep. There's something wrong.

Warnings: canon violence, canon language, canon talk of death, methods of kill

Author’s Note: welcome to the first episode of season 5! i hope you enjoy this series just as much as i loved writing it! <3

I do not own anything from Criminal Minds. All credit goes to their respective owners. If there are any warnings that exceed the normal death/kills from the show, I will list them. If you’ve seen the show, then it’s the same level of angst unless otherwise stated.

x

They're all concerned about Spencer but even more concerned about Hotch and whether he's going to survive or not. They rush him to the same hospital that Hotch is in to keep them both in the same area. You've been by Hotch's side the whole time and he hasn't woken up yet. You rub your hands together nervously and look to the left of you to see your team fast-walk down the hallway.

"Hey, he's still not conscious."

"Are you sure it was Foyet?" Rossi asks.

"I felt his energy at Hotch's place. I saw what happened. Hotch lost a lot of blood but he's been stable since I arrived. I'm sorry I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to be distracted. Plus, he was checked in with Derek's credentials that he stole the last time we saw him."

"Did they catch him on the security camera?"

"I saw him drop Hotch off but the camera is only at the entrance. I got a feel of the direction he went in but I lost him right outside the parking lot. I don't know where he is."

"It doesn't make sense for him to have brought Hotch to the ER. We know Foyet gets off on power and control. Maybe what he wants is for Hotch to know his life was in his hands."

"He could do that without risking the hospital," Derek says.

"What happened to Spencer? I heard a gunshot go off over the phone. Is he okay?"

"He was shot in the knee," JJ explains. "He's here getting treatment."

You want nothing more than to go to him but if he's still in surgery or getting care, you don't want to interrupt that. Hotch groans as he comes out of his mini coma-like state.

"Agents, he's waking up," the doctor says. "Remember, he's weak. Don't push him."

"Where am I?" Hotch whispers.

"In the hospital."

"How did I get here?"

"Foyet drove you. Can you remember what happened?" you ask gently.

Hotch stays silent for a moment. 

"What did he take?" Everyone looks at each other in confusion. "The Reaper always takes something from his victims. Do we know what he took?"

"There was a page missing from your day planner in the address section," you say. "The Bs."

"What did he leave?" he winces in pain.

"I don't know. I looked over your whole apartment. Nothing felt out of place."

"Where are my clothes?"

You grab the bag with his bloody clothes and other belongings and set them on his legs. You pull out the bloody shirt and open the bag for him to go through. He pulls out what looks like a wallet but is Derek's credentials. Folded inside is a picture of Hayley and Jack.

He's going after Hayley and Jack.

"Haley's maiden name is Brooks. I always listed her in the Bs in my personal information in case it fell into the wrong hands. He knows where they live," Hotch sighs.

"Don't worry, Hotch. We'll take care of it."

Everyone but Emily decides to leave the hospital in search of Hayley. You would have stayed behind but you're better in the field than by Hotch's side. Spencer is still getting treated so you have no business staying behind. JJ tries calling Hayley three times but she isn't answering.

"She's not answering."

Derek takes out his phone and calls Penelope.

"Garcia, I need FBI SWAT deployed to Hotch's old address."

"Oh, God, do you think he's going after Hayley and Jack?"

"I don't know. Just send a SWAT team. Tell them to wait for instructions. We're on our way."

"Consider them there."

"We need to be prepared for what we might find. Foyet kept Hotch alive. He wouldn't do that without a reason."

There's no time to speculate because Foyet could already be there murdering Hayley and Jack. When the team arrives at her house, SWAT is already there waiting. As soon as Derek gives the green light, SWAT members pile into the house with your team mixed in with them. Hayley is in the house, you can feel her. Foyet's energy is nowhere to be found which means you got to her before he could.

You walk upstairs with Derek and two other SWAT members. Hayley is in her room wearing yoga clothes, headphones are in her ears, and she is doing laundry. She turns to put clothes away and screams loudly from seeing a bunch of people in her house.

"Oh, my God!" she gasps.

"It's okay. It's okay," you calm her down.

"What are you all doing here?"

"We got her," Derek says to Emily who is on the phone with him.

"What's going on?"

"Is there anyone else in the house?" you ask.

"No, there's no one here."

"Where's Jack?"

"He's at a friend's house for a play date."

"We need to get him back here."

"Where's Aaron?"

"He's in the hospital."

"What?" she gasps.

"Hayley, call for Jack. Tell them I'm on the way to pick him up. I promise you we'll explain. Call for him right now. Text me the address," Derek says and leaves the room.

"Tell me what happened to Aaron," she says as she does what she's told.

"He was stabbed nine times presumably last night or early this morning. We know who did it and we're doing everything we can to try and find him. We think he's going after you and Jack next. I know this is a shock right now, but you need to pack a bag. You can't stay here right now. You two will be placed in the Witness Protection Program."

"Wait, are you serious right now?"

"Yes."

"Is this really necessary?"

"Yes."

"For how long?"

"I don't know," Rossi answers.

Hayley knows she needs to listen to your team right now so she starts to pack a very large bag knowing she isn't going to come back here for a while. Derek and Jack come back ten minutes later, and he has the biggest smile on his face.

"Mommy! They let me turn on the siren!"

"Wow, that's so great, baby! Did you have fun?" Hayley smiles through the pain.

"I'll help start a bag in Jack's room," JJ says and leaves.

"Okay. How many times did you run it? How many times?" Jack holds up three fingers and she chuckles. "Three?"

As soon as Hayley and Jack are packed up and ready to go, you take her to the hospital so she can talk to Hotch. Rossi already made some calls to other agents about placing them into protective custody, so those agents meet you at the hospital. Jack is waiting with one of the agents so Hayley can speak to her ex-husband alone.

It sucks knowing their situation (minus the whole Foyet thing) because they didn't divorce because they stopped loving each other. They divorced because loving each other hurt them too much.

While you let them talk, you go find Spencer who is on the other side of the hospital. You grab some jello for him on your way and you keep it hidden behind your back to surprise him. He is trying to find something on the TV to watch when you knock on his door.

"Hey," he smiles brightly and turns off the TV.

"I can't leave you alone, can I?"

"How's Hotch?"

"Physically? He's going to be okay. Emotionally? Not so much. We have to place Hayley and Jack in protective custody, so they're talking right now before they leave." You walk over to his bed and sit on the edge of it. You reach up and move some of his hair out of his eyes. "You need a haircut." Spencer laughs and grabs your hand while it's still on his cheek. He moves your palm to his mouth and he kisses the center of your hand. You rub his cheekbone with your thumb while looking into his eyes with so much love. "I bought you something."

You take the jello out from behind your back and his eyes light up.

"Thanks!" He eats a few bites happily. "Good news is that all I need are some crutches for a while."

"Don't worry, I'm going to take good care of you."

"I know," he smiles.

If he's going to go through all this trouble to incriminate you, the least he can do is stick around to watch your downfall. The block in which he left his last victim is sectioned off with yellow police tape even though there is a large crowd forming around the perimeter. Several officers are located on the outside to keep the public from barging in, and he squeezes himself through the crowd to get to the front.

If this is going to work, he needs to know what the police know so he knows how to proceed from here.

"Excuse me, officer? What's going on here?" he asks.

He's masked his real voice with a fake southern accent he's been working on for weeks.

"There's been a murder. Everything is fine, sir."

"Officer, I walk down this street every day and night. Am I safe? I live right down the block."

"Where?"

"Right there."

The man points to the apartment building on the corner of the street.

"Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?"

"No, sir."

The officer lifts the tape up so the man can step through so he's not stuck in the crowd. The officer doesn't take him to where the dead body is, but he wants some privacy from the onlookers.

"What's your name?"

The man doesn't hesitate to answer.

"Frank Livingston."

"What's a good phone number to reach you at?"

"619-555-0122."

"Where were you last night between the hours of ten and five in the morning?"

"Out here, unfortunately. I have a hard time sleeping ever since I had a stroke a few years ago. I decided to go for a walk to try and clear my head."

"Did you happen to see anything?"

"Well, let's see. I walked outside and had a cigarette." The man chuckles and pats his breast pocket where his pack of cigarettes is. "The dang things will kill ya but I can't seem to put it down." He chuckles. "Anyway, I was walkin' and I didn't know what time it was because I forgot my phone. I saw this car parked on the side of the road, and there was someone lyin' on the ground like they'd been hit. Seeing y'all here makes me think they might not have been hit after all."

"Anything else?" the officer asks and writes down everything he says.

"I saw someone leanin' against the car, but I didn't know what they were doing. The light isn't great out here. My eyes have gone bad since the stroke. It nearly took out my sight altogether. I'm not sure what they were doin' but I know I saw hair."

"Hair?"

"Long hair like a female's. I got out of there so fast like I was fearing for my life. You know females these days got everything goin' on. They carry all kinds of protective weapons on them. I didn't want to end up like that fella."

"Anything else you noticed?"

"Not that I can recall. Like I said, I got out of there quickly."

"Okay. If you can remember anything, please give me a call."

The officer hands over his business card with his contact information, and Frank takes it from him.

"Yes, sir, I will."

Frank walks away from the crime scene with the fake persona still on him. When he gets far enough away, he drops the innocent act with a smirk. He crumbles the officer's card and tosses it into a nearby trash can.

x

Follow my library blog @aqueenslibrary​​​​​​ where I reblog all my stories, so you can put notifications on there without the extra stuff :)

[dinums]

Secrets and Broken Hearts

-----------------------------

Chapter 4

Thomas Shelby x (Writer) Reader

"I am a woman in love, I wear my heart on my sleeve and smile with not a single thought. I am a woman in love, happily content to where I shall be and where I shall go, as long as I am with him."

Authors Note: I made this story with not much thought, but I wanted to portray the reader and Tommy living their separate lives to have you, readers, have a gist on what its like, to make the character, Ms. Bennett feels real. I don't really know if that makes sense or if I'm doing it correctly, but please enjoy :)))

Two days and six hours, it's been exactly two days and six hours since I've started this investigation that I burdened myself with. All I've been getting are bits of information from the men and women. Women loved to gossip, so much so that they became one of the sources of said information. These missing wives, they had nothing in common with one another. They were just normal working women before they got married and settled down. What would society even do with them? I feel like a jester, juggling my social life together with this secret double life. I never really got used to such taxing activities mentally. This whole investigation, could it be some murderer? Human Traffickers? Surely, this culprit had a motive, a reason, something these women had that they wanted, something these women can give, choice or not.

"Why does everyone call you by your last name?" Andrew suddenly asked, which made me look over at the small child playing by the racks of clothes in William's shop.

Tilting my head, I seem to not know the reason behind it either. Andrew is the son of the man I visited to get close to have more information about the missing wives rather than relying on gossip alone. The child himself was quite entertaining to be around. He spoke so freely about his mother, telling stories of how loving the woman can be.

"Well, if you want, you can call me by my first name," I said with a smile. Walking over to crouch down to his eye level, I gave him a pat on the head, which earned me a smile in return

"Isn't this a sight, hm?" I heard the familiar voice of William from behind. He was at the back with Catherine earlier, presumably sorting out fabrics and dresses.

"C'mon, I've only offered to let this little guy stay here while his father worked, for the assurance that nothing will happen," I said softly though assuming from their reactions, it wasnt taken quite kindly. The statement itself was considered a lie. I lied. Lying straight to the face of the man I love, like how I would every day to everyone, including this child.

"So you don't want me here... Ms. (Y/N)?" Andrew asked me, his face looked sad, eyes like melting glaciers about to fall.

"Of course not, I just meant that I couldn't risk you being alone without your father, even though -"

"So you care for me.. right?" The little child said, hopeful, which made me think, how can he care about my feelings towards him in such a small amount of time we've been together? Children truly are innocent, things to be kept safe from the world we live in. Furthermore, care. To care is to help, a genuine action done out of the kindness of one's own heart. I do that, correct? I think for a moment, my actions, words, and emotions all contradict one another. Both men in the room seemed to take notice of my silence, which in turn made me aware. Aware that they can never know these thoughts, to Bury it, to hide. Breaking from my thoughts, I smiled at the child.

"Of course I do, but later your father will pick you up, I'll have William stay with you since I need to go for a bit, yeah?" Standing back up, I walked over to William. He then wrapped his arms around my waist, leaning against him while I looked back at Andrew. Understandingly, the child nodded, which made me smile.

"Eh? Where will my heart go? Guess she'll leave me alone once again..." William joked, kissing me on the cheek, which made me chuckle.

Seeing the display of affection, the child grimaced and then ran off to play somewhere else, which made me and William laugh.

"I promised you a date. Therefore, you must let me go for a while to prepare," I giggled. Going to dates on Friday was kind of like our tradition, a simple act to show love and to feel it radiate from each other. Feeling his lips on mine for a brief moment, I smiled.

"Alright, I'll pick you up at our place," William smiled. He's always such a loving man, doing more than beyond.

"See you later, love," I said, parting with a kiss before I headed out. Love was something I wasn't familiar with, which sometimes led me to be confused on how to act around William, though lucky enough that he guided me through it.

Walking down the street, I'm greeted with familiar faces. Some I can't remember the names. The smoke filled air, and the mud on my shoes did little to dampen my mood. Suddenly, people started to run about, screaming and shouting.

Confused, I slowed my footsteps. There, on a shop, a lifeless man was dead with Danny holding a bloody knife. My eyes widened, I tried to move, but nothing came out, I held my breath, and though I investigated crimes like this, I never saw a man dead right in front of me. From this day, I'm sure I'll never get used to this.

Someone passes by me, but it can be considered more like shoved. It was Thomas Shelby. He went over, took the knife from the man's hand, and calmed him down. The scene deescalated just as quickly as it happened. Once Thomas got Danny to go away, coming with some surge of confidence, I began to walk towards him with his hack turned to me.

"Mr. Shelby..?" I said softly as to not startle the man, whipping his head back, he looked at me without uttering a word, he simply raised a brow which I took as a cue to keep going.

"What will happen to Danny now..? He just -" stopping myself to look at the dead body in front of us, he followed my gaze and just shook his head. Taking a cigarette, he lit one up and placed it on his mouth, blowing the smoke in the corpses' direction. "Mr. Shelby, I worry for him and his family.."

"Don't stick your nose into others' business, saves you the trouble, eh?" He said, as he was about to walk past me. He took my hand and gave me a few quids, which caused me confusion. Was this for my silence? Though that seems rather odd since a quarter of the town already saw what happened, or was it so I'd stop with being so nosy?

"For the bread."

"Bread? What bread?" I asked, my brows furrowed as I looked up at the man. The more he acted, the more he perplexed me. Seeing his face, he tilted his head as if he should be confused

"You dont remember, again?" I shook my head, remembering what he gave me moments ago, i tried to have him take the money back, but he refused, saying he already gave them, so it'll be no use. In the end, he walked away and left me be, confused, I placed the coins inside my coat pocket before walking home. What did i forget again? No matter what I have other things to do at the moment, I need to get the memory of the dead body out my head.

After preparing for my date, at eight o'clock sharp there was a knock on the door, I smiled and opened it. William appeared with a bouquet and fresh smile, I'm taken back to memories when he was still courting me.

"Flowers for the beautiful lady?" He asked, which I gladly took. Holding up his hand, I held them. I locked the door, and we began to walk towards the pathway to a small restaurant.

"Thank you for this, for everything, Will," I said while we kept walking hand in hand.

"Then I should thank you too"

"For what?"

"For letting me love you"

"Then, you're welcome."

With that, we spent the rest of the day together, I told him about what happened earlier, and he's told me of stories he heard and so on. Everything feels nice. It feels like home as we both made it out to be.

...

That night, Ms. Bennett was content with her lover. Everything played out perfectly. She lived a good life and was happily in love. Maybe fate can say the same for the man she bumped into earlier as he's inside the Garrison, enthralled by the singing Barmaid before him. Surely both Ms. Bennett and Mr. Shelby will live their lives with love found in someone else's eyes.

[chaos0pikachu]

I am here actually to appreciate your post. I saw a blogger’s post saying The sign would have been ‘successful’ had it got filled with fantasy and romance and limit action to 10%. I wondered why that person, who says BL is all about romance, watched a show whose genre is action. Then I saw your post about people watching many shows to stay in fandom and I agree. Also you are right about dramas with a complex story receiving heavy criticism. Everything (even lack of proper plot or conflict) is exempted in a romance drama. No wonder most BLs are confined to ‘2 boys and their jealous & crying moments, routine conflicts enhanced by Escola or leads explaining how important Nikon printer is for their relationship’

Well damn hit me in the feels with this appreciation I'ma get all shy and shit.

I always wonder if by "successful" people mean in terms of critical acclaim, story telling, or monetarily. When it comes to Thai shows - and some please correct me if I'm wrong - it's difficult to tell how "successful" they are terms of audience reach/monetarily because there's no easily verifiable information. Like, there's Youtube numbers sure, but The Sign as an example, aired on Channel 3 what were it's ratings total on that channel? Idk, does anyone know that? Sincerely asking lol

Personally the way I like to judge a piece of media is what I call the Roger Ebert method; he often judged films based not solely on whether they were "good" or "bad but by how successfully they accomplished their goals.

If you read his review of Space Jam while it's clear Ebert doesn't think the movie is high art, "You can watch the movie on the sports and cartoon levels, and also appreciate the corporate strategy that's involved. [...] It is difficult for an actor to work in movies that combine live action with animation, because much of the time he cannot see the other characters in a scene with him. But Jordan has a natural ease and humor, an unforced charisma, that makes a good fit with the cartoon universe."

Ebert praises that the film, while filled with obvious product placement and banking on both nostalgia for the toons & star power of Jordan, accomplishes it's goal of being a family for that can be enjoyed by adults and children, and also the ability to blend techniques of live action, animation and 3D rendering.

I bring this up specifically b/c when I see "reviews" of shows in BL - the most common form of meta I see in BL fandom as a whole and that's not a knock just an observation - it's usually always about the narrative. Nothing about the filmmaking. And if there is discussion about he filmmaking it's usually misinformed or worse misinforming - no that's not what aperture means, yaoi framing isn't really a thing in film, the t-shirt is really just a t-shirt, etc, etc.

And like I get why. Fandom is more about story, what the words on a page or what the characters on screen are doing and saying. It's easier to talk about the amazing communication two characters have b/c you don't really need a film knowledge to discuss that. Which is a factor in why I think shows with lower stakes, more streamlined and straightforward plots get praised at a higher, less diligent and harsh level, than shows that are a bit more daring. They're less challenging in structure, they take less risks, so there's less to critique, and there's less room for a show to disappoint.

There comfort food, rather than trying something new at the restaurant. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, again, this is just a general observation.

To me, The Sign is miles better than Cooking Crush on a simple technical level. I only watched one episode of Cooking Crush and I found it pretty mediocre at best from all technical points: acting, editing, cinematography, directing, storytelling.

This isn't to say Cooking Crush is "bad" or that even if Cooking Crush was "bad" people shouldn't like it. I don't give a fuck if people like it, good for you chase the things that spark joy! I like lots of "bad" media, have y'all ever watched Jason Takes Manhattan?

For me, The Sign, like Space Jam, accomplishes it's goals and those were ambitious goals. An action fantasy BL that actually lives up to that premise and looks good?? The fight choreography looks great considering the obviously budget??

Like one of my issues with Laws of Attraction - aside from how painfully disinterested those kisses looked - was the fight choreography was bad.

The characters very rarely land hits in a way that looks real, or even marginally real. I can only speculate they didn't hire a stunt coordinator and/or couldn't hire stunt doubles so there was a worry of injury on set (for both reasons).

This isn't a disparagement on the actor(s) either, like stunt work is difficult and it's important to have professionals on set who can walk an actor through the steps so both them and others don't get hurt. Jackie Chan is probably one of the best known actors alive for stunt work, but watch how many times he fumbles and potentially hurts himself to the point where other actors are actively worried for him:

So yeah I'm going to give The Sign it's fucking gold star stickers b/c aside from some missteps in the gun handling - to many one handed gun fights but even then it wasn't all the time and bullets ran out of ammo! Y'all don't know how exciting for me that was to see - the fight scenes look damn good.

I understand the work that went into them, I understand the pre-production time that it took for the crew and cast to learn that and filming them well is another beast too.

There's a couple scenes with shaky cam that I dislike, but god do I love that first long take in The Sign. I love how good the CGI looks overall again, considering what is probably less budget than Black Christmas (2019).

I'm admittedly, fucking picky about what I watch b/c I'm really lazy and prefer watching films in general. I don't really like TV all that much, but if I am watching a tv show I wanna be impressed with more than just the characters talking to each other. Especially if said show is 12 hours or more.

When I'm looking at a piece of media - a comic, a novel, a film, a tv show - I'm thinking about stuff like "what were it's goals, and did it accomplish them? How was the filmmaking? How was the narrative structure? What is the time/place/culture this was made in?"

I'm not sure if people are arguing if The Sign was "successful" in terms of narratively, monetarily, or critically.

In reality we can only really speculate on how successful a Thai BL is based on data that's not not entirely accurate - social media, youtube stats, awards, etc - and even then most of that is based off international audience.

I can glean that 2gether was successful for gmmtv b/c it got a second season and a film, pretty much skyrocketed Bright and Win's individual careers but again, and created a cross country alliance for activism. But even all that is still speculation not facts (except the alliance that's a real thing that happened lol).

[This is all regardless of my own feelings regarding the show which is not kind. But feelings have nothing to do with individual discussion about how monetarily successful or accomplished a show is or isn't.]

Like it might be valid speculation on both shows but it should always come with a disclaimer of - these are not facts. Also, what is "popular" or "successful" can and will be dependent on individual countries too.

Take Cutie Pie for example, I would argue that it wasn't super "successful" here with American fans, but given how overwhelmingly popular Zee and NuNew are in both Thailand and Korea, I would then argue that the show was a success in Thailand and Korea. So was Cutie Pie "successful" or not? I would say yes!

Because "success" isn't and shouldn't be measured only by how western fans receive a piece of media.

In regards to The Sign, I'd argue it appears to be very successful with only the partial data I have at hand - social media which includes places like twitter, facebook, tumblr, the success of their sold out showing for the finale, a special episode, etc. If people argue it was unsuccessful in terms of narrative, well that's debatable and I have no interest in debating why the show is good except in terms of technical filmmaking and storytelling.

And even then it's a pointless debate like or dislike whatever just don't lie or mislead people regarding film terminology and techniques or harass people because they did like A Thing or clog up the tags with annoying posts about how you didn't like said Thing.

Overall, I don't give "reviews" on things I watch either positive or negative cause, well, I'm lazy lol, I don't believe putting how much I hate a show in it's tags and a thorough rating system would be to much work. I actually like how My Drama List rating system works, I just find most reviews on it to be Annoying lmao. Like giving Kinnporsche a 5 or below is absolutely bonkers to me but whatever es lo que es. But I also don't think my thoughts and opinions on shows are that valuable in terms of discussion.

These are mostly my general thoughts on fandom at large and it's not directly at any particular people its just observations at large across various social media platforms.

I think if you like more squeecore shows that's totally gucci, I just wish didn't proposite that 1) those are the only valid shows in terms of BL/queer media and 2) didn't overhype them to such sky high levels

[menlove]

the thing abt HRT and gender affirming surgery is that like... yes many providers do provide incorrect/insufficient information. a lot of providers DO downplay the risks or don't mention all of them. ignoring this reality and pretending that everyone who starts HRT/gets gender affirming surgery is completely 100% informed doesn't do anyone any good

however

this problem is FAR from exclusive to gender affirming medical care. it is a GENERAL problem in ALL aspects of medical care, especially in the USA (and I'm sure elsewhere but I can only speak on our healthcare system as I haven't lived anywhere else)

like here's a couple examples.

when I was 8 years old, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes by a nurse practitioner. she however prescribed me a type of insulin for type 2 diabetes and instructed me to take it once a day and only check my blood twice a day. this is completely incorrect, as type 1 diabetics need to take short acting insulin every time they eat and long acting insulin once or twice a day and check their blood sugars at MINIMUM 4 times a day. I almost died. I had to be hospitalized about a week later with insanely high blood sugars. this was grossly mishandled by that nurse practitioner who had no idea what she was doing & she could've killed a child. does that mean no one should have access to insulin? or that we should start scare mongering diabetics telling them their providers are trying to harm them?

another example! when I was 14, I was having an allergic reaction to a medication and had to go into the ER. they didn't read my chart to see that I had type 1 diabetes, did not check my blood glucose levels, and gave me a steroid shot. that shot spiked my blood sugar (which was already high) so high so fast that I passed out and nearly cracked my head on the floor. it turned what would've been a quick ER trip to an overnight fiasco. does that mean doctors should never ever give steroids as treatment for allergic reactions?

or far more general than me- how many times are people prescribed birth control without the side effects being fully described? how many people get gastric bypass surgery without fully understanding what they're doing to their bodies? how many people have debilitating chronic illnesses but have no clue how they're supposed to handle them bc no doctor ever bothered to educate them (as I see constantly with other diabetics)? how many people have 0 knowledge about their own reproductive systems or have their concerns about their reproductive systems completely ignored until it turns lethal?

the issue isn't gender affirming care. the issue is medical professionals who don't care enough about their patients to make sure they're fully informed and fully consenting, or even that they themselves know exactly what they're doing. it's overworked medical professionals who skip vital steps because they've been working 15 hours in a row. it's the disregard for the health of people assigned female at birth (& the disregard for the health of people assigned male at birth if they decide to pursue gender affirming care). it's the disregard for poor people, for people of color, for patients in general who tend to get viewed with disdain for not having medical degrees and asking questions

like yes it IS something we should be talking about. but focusing the conversation on "we have to ban gender affirming care!!!" instead of "the medical system needs to take better care of its patients" is just stupid

[twinkle-art]

since you talked about sho's relationship with toichiro after the last comic, I'm curious about your takes on serizawa's relationship with him now (if you want to share)

ohhhhhhh boy do i ever have takes on what was going on there. for everyone's sake i'm just going to try to keep it to what my reading of the actual text is so. this is. that

the most surface-level observation that i think needs to be made here is that serizawa OBVIOUSLY adored him. he thought extremely highly of him and valued his words accordingly. 

i get why people tend to gloss over this part but. it’s incredibly overt and i think it does his character a disservice to ignore that he was both victimized by touichirou and complicit in a lot of what he did. he had his reservations and doubts about claw’s intentions from the beginning on account of Having A Moral Compass, so the number one thing that kept him in line was that touichirou had him completely wrapped around his finger. notably, it wasn’t through threat or overt coercion, but because he preyed on his desperation to feel seen and needed.

(a slightly more nuanced take on this facet of their dynamic is that while fear WAS a relevant component, i really, really don’t think serizawa was ever made to be scared of touichirou in the context of his capacity for violence prior to wd arc, and think that would’ve been counterintuitive to the particular way he went about manipulating him. he WAS, however, scared of returning to his life as a shut-in, and since he didn’t see any options for himself besides that and his dependency on him, it was in touichirou’s best interest to allow that fear to fester)

and.. at the risk of sounding like i’m playing devil’s advocate.. it makes COMPLETE sense to me that serizawa would feel this way. fifteen years is an incredibly long time to be isolated and have god knows how many people all resoundingly fail to help you. like. no shit he’s willing to ignore the sinister undertones of the only person who was able to save him from that fate, the first person who ever made him feel like he wasn’t alone. it’s easy for us as an external audience to go well, obviously that guy was the fucking worst, what redeeming qualities would serizawa even cling onto, but having that profound of a material effect on his life really can’t be understated imo. i think it’s completely natural and normal that on some level, he’d still feel a level of gratitude* to him for that, despite rationally knowing it wasn’t for his benefit. 

*idk how many of you are familiar with the fanbook blurb that states what i always assumed was the intended subtext more overtly. i actually translated the page it’s from myself, if you’re interested in that. i promise i’m not lying for fun on the internet i’m sure this information is available somewhere else by now

or to say all of that in much simpler terms: he loved this guy the way you’d love a meal that kept you from starving to death, even if it was poisoned

(fig. a– girl what the hell is this)

(as an aside: i don’t necessarily disagree with anyone who focuses on reading discomfort into serizawa’s interactions with him but… as i said before i simply don’t think that renders the constant stream of admiration for him irrelevant)

now, obviously this is muddied by the fact that these feelings were born of truly heinous manipulation, but it’s also just observably true that they spend nearly all their shared screentime with serizawa fawning over him and hanging onto his every word. 

it’s because he felt this way that i think the role he adopted under his guidance stuck to the point where he took it with him when he left claw. like, he fully internalized this idea of being The Muscle as a perfectly normal way to express that he cares for, and feels an obligation to, certain people in his life. so while obviously it goes without saying that his relationship to spirits and such (or reigen specifically, if that’s what you’re in the mood for) is so much more fulfilling and respectful and real, you can still see that learned behavior present. i don’t think that’s a bad thing inherently, like, of course you want to protect people you care about, but i do find it……….interesting lol

but this has all been about how serizawa feels about touichirou, because obviously that’s way more important to him than the other way around. how touichirou feels about serizawa i think requires a lot more extrapolation and personal interpretation of the themes he’s here to deliver. personally, my stance can be summarized with two statements: 

on some level, he took serizawa’s betrayal personally despite claiming to be above human connection, because this series is committed to the truth that no one actually is

telling serizawa to let him go and learn his lesson because he never cared about him anyways, after all the violence/grevious child abuse/openly admitted exploitation/that whole mad king-esque breakdown still wasn’t enough to permanently sever his attachment, was the first and only kindness he ever showed him

(fig. b– the manga omission i’ll be saddest about forever rip spare battery scene you’ll always be famous)

(sorry i keep making asides. but referring to the umbrella that he presented him with under the guise of it being a necessary tool as his weapon the second it’s turned on him is an incredible way to make him show his hand)

in conclusion mp100 is Oops All Parallels all the way down so you see echoes of these themes all over the place. it’s just that this is a strong contender for the most horribly mangled manifestation of a way someone can come to care for someone else in this entire story

[goldeneyedgirl]

12 kisses: march: scars, anathema.

Wow, it's been a hot minute since I posted anything. I'm kind of back? I've finished a semester successfully, just waiting for grades and information on next semester (I'm lowkey excited about my ofic that I'm writing for school), and just dealing with more health stuff plus I live surrounded by varying levels of Other People's Nonsense that I am involved in dealing with for an unknown reason.

But I'm back to writing fic, and thought I'd upload some stuff that's been marinating since February. First up, catching up on the 12kisses meme with something from Anathema. This looked different in my head but it's cute and it's building up Jasper's Anathema backstory, so I'm happy.

Asks will be answered, chapters will be finished,but today I'm just doing warmups and fic housekeeping.

12 kisses: march: scars, anathema

[ scars ] a gentle kiss on the partner’s scars

I’m frozen solid by the time we make it home, shivering under three layers of soaked clothing - I’m not entirely sure my puffer jacket is ever going to recover from this. It’s less ‘puff’ and more ‘soggy’ now.

“We need to get you warm and dry,” Jasper said, sounding stressed, as I fumbled with the house keys, my fingers numb. He’d been worried since he bundled me into the car; he was so protective of me. I might have been miserably cold, but there was no way I’d get sick from twenty minutes cold. But Jasper preferred to err on the side of caution - my human half - rather than risk me getting so much as a paper cut.

It was pretty cute, honestly.

“First stop, the shower.” I flipped on the lights as we went in; the entire house was dark. Freddie and Dulcie were at the conference in Seattle all weekend, and it had taken a lot of effort to convince them to let me stay home alone rather than going with them, or staying with the Clearwaters (not that I was on entirely good terms with the Clearwater since Jasper showed up. Sue was positively distant with me lately.) But I definitely needed to convince Dulcie or Freddie to let me get a cat - especially for nights when I was on my own. Not that it happened all that often. Hell, Dulcie had even offered to let me stay at her place, but I was happier here - especially since Jasper had upgraded my laptop and fixed the wifi.

Half-tripping up the stairs - my toes were numb in my boots with cold, I found the apartment was slightly more welcoming since I’d accidentally left the living room lamp on. My clothes were leaving a trail of water behind me, and my hands were shaking as I pulled out dry clothes and a towel, leaving a set for Jasper to dry off.

“Shower, Alice,” Jasper said firmly. “You’re freezing.”

“At least dry off your clothes,” I said, clenching my teeth to stop them chattering. “Use the dryer.” I could see him on the fence about that idea. “I can’t warm up and them get cold again from your wet clothing.”

“Go shower,” he said, and I knew I’d won as he gently pushed me towards the bathroom.

Twenty minutes later, I was toasty warm in a giant sweater, leggings, and the socks that Dulcie had knitted me for Christmas. My hair was ridiculously frizzy and I had tried to pin it down the best I could, but it still looked childish.

I dumped my clothes in the hamper to be dealt with in the morning before I wandered back through the apartment and out onto the landing where Jasper was drying his clothing. Our ‘laundry’ was in a closet on the landing because we had nowhere else to put it until someone (most likely Dulcie) cleared out the second floor so we could use it again.

Jasper was standing there in his jeans, checking his phone as his sweatshirt dried, and I was fully intending on just enjoying the view - he was staunchly old-fashioned towards me, but I had quickly worked out it was a defence mechanism. It was easier for him to fall back into the vague social expectations of his human life right now because everything was overwhelming. I’d cheerfully bullied him into doing things like holding my hand, and curling up on my bed with me to watch a movie, but both of those things were done fully clothed and there was still a very respectful distance between us.

That is to say, I had never seen him shirtless. And I had wanted to mentally imprint the imagine on my brain for the foreseeable future (I was very doubtful that being defiled on a gurney downstairs was going to be come to pass before I turned thirty), except…

The scars.

I knew he hand them; there were some on his arms and hands that I’d see, a couple of shallow ones on his face. He’d told me about life in the south and everything that happened with Maria and Peter, but I’d always felt that he was holding something back.

Now I had proof. The scars on his back overlapped; they looked like claws had dug into his shoulder blade and travelled down to his opposite hip. There were nicks in the skin and bite marks and smaller scratches.

And when he put his phone back in his pocket, all the muscles and skin pulled tightly against the scar tissue; I inhaled sharply. I know bodies. I know how they fit together, how they move. Human bodies aren’t even the same as vampire bodies; I know that. The venom does horrific things to the tissue and the muscle and the ligaments and the joints… But all I could think of was how every time Jasper moved, the scar tissue would try to stop him.

Jasper turned around when he heard me, his eyes wide. And I got even more of an eyeful. The damage on his chest and stomach were… different to his back. Not better or worse, just different. At one point, it look like he had been torn open from clavicle down to his stomach. Scratches, gouges, bites littered his body and all I could do was stare.

It wasn’t like anything I had ever faced downstairs. Even the bear attacks or falls weren’t like this. Because no human had to go on living with the remains of those fates. Jasper did.

“Alice, I…” he began and I shook my head, already moving.

“Oh Jasper,” I managed, before I flung my arms around him. His skin was cold against my face, but it was reassuring - I had become used to the fact that he was always going to be cold, or room-temperature at best. It was comforting and familiar now.

He stood rigidly in my grasp for a moment, before I felt his hand rest gently on my shoulder.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t intend for you to see this,” he said so kindly I wanted to cry. “I just wanted to dry my clothing before you came out, I’m sorry.”

I frowned at him. There was a horrific scar where his neck joined his shoulder, and I could see the teeth marks at the edges. “Why are you sorry?”

“It’s not an easy sight,” Jasper said, and he looked away from me. “It wasn’t something I wanted you to ever have to deal with.”

Well. Apparently I grossly overestimated gurney-defilement at age thirty; Jasper had planned on it being never.

A million things raced through my head when he said that. Jokes about wedding nights, frustration that he thought I was too delicate to deal with reality, the insistence that it didn’t matter because it did, to him. He was apart of a family without blemish - some shadows from the scars that changed them but nothing even remotely close to what Jasper bore. Maybe it had been the Cullens that had taught Jasper to hide them, to cover them up, and I felt frustration rise up in me.

“I cannot stand the idea of you hurting,” I blurted out, my fingers twisting through the belt loops in his jeans. “Do they hurt now?”

He watched me, frowning, for a second. “No, they haven’t hurt in a very long time,” he said, and I felt the ghost of confusion drift over my skin. “They’re just there, they won’t ever fade.”

“But your back, I could see the muscles pulling,” I said. The idea that Carlisle, a surgeon, hadn’t done anything about Jasper’s scarring was stressing me out. I’d cut more than one scar through on the bodies downstairs, so that they could lay flat and look comfortable.

“I can feel some of them, but they don’t hurt or restrict me. Vampire skin doesn’t work that way,” Jasper said soothingly. “It simply moves with me. If there was resistance, they’d tear.”

A shudder that ran through me as I curled closer to him. “I don’t like that,” I said honestly. I’d see torn, cracked vampire flesh once, a couple of years ago when a nomad needed to be disposed of. It didn’t look real.

“We treated our wounds to make sure we didn’t lose movement, Alice.” His voice is kind and patient, and I hate that he’s comforting me. “It would be a death sentence otherwise.”

“How did they happen?” I asked, absently tracing one on his arm. “What animal did these?”

Jasper sighed; it was the kind of sigh that came from so much time and misery. “Newborns. Maria. Battles. No animals, just monsters,” he sounded tired. “I’m sorry Alice, I didn’t want you to have to see this side of us. Of me.”

I shook my head. “Sit. I want to know,” I said. Sinking to the floor, I immediately sat in his lap, curled against him. “You should have told me before.”

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours,” Jasper replies smartly, grabbing my hand and stretching out my arm, to push up my sweater sleeve. Three scars along the arm that I never really thought about; they were smooth against the rest of my skin.

“That’s easy,” I said. “That one, when I broke my arm as a kid - bone tore straight through the skin, I screamed like I was on fire. Jeanie nearly had a heart attack when she found me. I only needed three weeks in a cast.

“That one was a dog bite. Mrs O’Brian, who owned the camping store before the Newtons moved to town, had this retriever. I’d never met a retriever that wasn’t super friendly. He just sunk his teeth into me and shook. I thought Freddie was going to kill the dog and Mrs O’Brian.” I shrugged. “And the last one - was getting ready to work on a body downstairs, and I had a vision when I picked up the scalpel. I fainted and stabbed myself pretty badly. Sue had to give me a bunch of stitches.”

Jasper’s fingers were cool against my arm as he traced the marks. “Any others?”

“I mean, there’s a burn scar on my stomach from when I leaned over my hair straightener,” I said. “A couple of shaving cuts around my ankles. One on my thigh from when I tripped in the forest. These are just living scars, Jas. Not like yours.”

Jasper nodded but was still focusing on the marks on my arm.

“It.. it wasn’t something we worried about,” he says, quietly. “Newborns were cannon fodder, it didn’t matter what happened to them. If they were too far gone, we’d just destroy them - we didn’t want to waste the resources to heal them up again.

“But I had to be on the frontline for us to win, to stay in control,” he continued. “I was a target; everyone knew that without me, Maria couldn’t control an army that size or hold her territory.

“Maria or… Peter would be the one to put me back together. Peter would try not to make a big deal out of it. But Maria, she’d tell me how bad it was. That I needed to fight smarter, that it didn’t have to be this bad. That I was wasting blood and time.” He shivered and looked up at me. “‘It won’t be worth keeping you around much longer’. That’s what she said to me at the end. As if I wasn't still winning, as if she didn’t have her territory.”

Jasper shook his head. “So I get to walk around like this.” The bitterness and self loathing in his voice was evident, even without the emotions boiling around him. “The Cullens, they made sure I stayed covered up for the first couple of years. Esme and Rose, they have histories with violence, and they needed to feel I was safe…”

I squeeze my eyes shut, and try to wrestle down the flare of anger I feel at the idea Jasper was made to feel like a monster, a dirty secret, because he’d been raised in a war zone.

“You deserve so much better, Alice.” The tenderness in his voice was heartbreaking. “If things were different - if I was stronger - I never would have let myself get close to you. A better version of me, in a perfect world. Someone whole and normal who isn’t like this.”

He buried his face in my hair, his arms firm around me as if he was holding on for dear life. And I am stricken. I am not an idiot, I knew that Jasper struggled. That the human facade and living this way was like wearing ill-fitting clothes for him. That I terrified him in so many ways, but especially how easily I had accepted him and invited him closer.

And his second life had taught him one lesson over and over again; that in the end, he would be alone. Cast out, broken, used up. Nettie and Lucy, Maria, Peter… the lesson had stuck. And a few months together wasn’t enough to erase those decades of misery, of bone-deep fears.

My lips press against the snarl of the scar on his neck, and I felt him shiver underneath my touch. I knew I was turning red - there was something so intimate about the gesture, even though I didn’t intend anything salacious.

“I need you to know I love you as you are,” I said, his face still tucked in my hair. “That this you is my you, and there’s not a single thing I would change about you.”

“To me, you are perfect,” I heard him murmur into my hair. I didn’t know if he was reassuring himself with words I’d told him before or telling that to me, but I didn’t get a chance to clarify; he looked up and tilted my head back, his thumb absently stroking my cheek.

“I don’t deserve you,” he said, and there was something so sad yet so fierce in his gaze.

“And I’ve done nothing to deserve someone like you,” I replied. “We’re a perfect match. I adore you.”

Jasper chuckled, and there was a flicker in his eyes for moment as he seemed to lean closer… but whatever was going to be said or happen after that was lost as the dryer let out a thunk, a wheeze, and a chime to let us know that Jasper’s shirt was now dry.

“Time to go inside,” he said, the moment gone as he rose to his feet, helping me up before grabbing his sweatshirt from the dryer.

“I really was enjoying the show,” I said mournfully as he tugged his sweatshirt on. Jasper let out a surprised chuckle, and reached for me again.

“Time and patience, Alice,” he said in a funny way; all-knowing and reassuring but with a new warmth to his words. “All good things arrive eventually.”

I smiled up at him as he took my hand and lead me towards the apartment door.

For him, I would wait forever.

[skyler10fic]

Public journaling because I need to get this out:

I'm having reflux/GERD induced by my anxiety disorder among other stress related things.

This anxiety is often triggered by spending time engaging with how awful the world is.

I do want to help raise awareness, make the world a better place, be a more informed voter, and do my duty to give everyone resources to do the same.

I cannot keep engaging with this reality at the current rate.

I struggle to set boundaries with my scrolling because it's my highest level/easiest accessible connection point with other people and something for my ADHD brain to focus on.

I cannot simply stay focused because of the ADHD. It is an inability.

At home, I do other things, like household tasks.

But I'm required to be in the office three days a week. Half days are an unofficial/coincidental accomodation.

When I'm at the office, I don't have little tasks to do. Everything is (honestly quite boring) deep thinking, high concentration work.

I cannot "just get a new, more interesting job" in a field that was always highly competitive and has been dying for 20 years. My job is very good for pay and benefits in comparison to others in my field.

So the key is I need a way to engage with people and work with my brain that isn't working against it: neither doomscrolling nor shaming myself into just staring at the screen and forcing myself to work at a slower pace so I don't have so much extra time. I can't just tell my brain not to be bored or not to need distractions.

If I get up from my desk at the office, I'm supposed to count it as break time. So I can't go on walks on the clock. If I take lots of breaks, that adds to the amount of time I'm physically at the office and cuts down on free time. (I do take 30 minute lunch and occasionally 15 minutes here and there.)

My group chats are great, but my friends have busy lives with lots of other things going on so it's not the frequency and volume of Twitter and Threads.

Almost all of my friends are far away, and the people physically close to me have resisted my efforts to increase emotional closeness and depth. They are all in for hanging out, but uncomfortable with emotions or vulnerability or friendship beyond "people I do preorganized activities with."

I can't eliminate the brain need through ADHD meds because of my liver problems (thanks for that, Strattera extremely rare side effects) and other medical risks the doc is not willing to take. Psych doc also says I need to show a positive result on the computerized ADHD $5k test my insurance doesn't pay for (created for hyperactive boys, not high achieving adult women who perform well on tests) to really consider my "attention issues" as for sure ADHD despite EVERY other medical professional verbally diagnosing me. I definitely have ADHD. This is not a question. But there doesn't seem to be a med solution anyway.

Possible solutions I'm working on:

1. More library books I can sneak glances at or listen to on my phone

2. Lists, curated social media experiences, joining more happy/low-stress groups

3. Boundaries, muting words, blocking abundantly

4. Under desk bike helps a lot when I'm not too tired

5. Standard GERD reduction tips and other physical health care

6. Mental health care

7. Listen to soothing ASMR at night

8. Physical self care (food, exercise, hydration, sleep, etc)

I think if I didn't have the ADHD creating a need that the doom sites solve (and by solve, I mean meet the immediate need by creating different problems), this would be easier. It isn't simple "addiction." It's higher up the logical food chain than that.

Today this came to a head with some emotional dysregulation: there is a big personal issue with someone I trusted potentially being a bad guy, and I can't talk about it with my local friends because they won't understand OR they are his coworkers, who can't discuss the situation with me for understandable HR reasons.

Add that stress on to the national / global doom written on the wall for political reality and history and life as we know it, and then there are Oppression Olympics competitors yelling at us that we're privileged , spoiled brats if we're upset because THEY have been marginalized worse than us and THEY aren't fazed or distressed because they are so morally superior to us BABIES who are apparently new here....

Blah blah blah

Anyway. I would very much like to get rid of this stress response in my digestive system so I can eat normal food.

[aspd-culture]

But aspd-culture, what "causes" ASPD?

Well, that's hard to say as it is commonly a mix of nature and nurture, and we can't say for sure "this set of things will cause ASPD". I can, however, explain some serious risk factors that, if you relate to them and have this disorder, may have been a part of why you developed it.

TW for heavy topics, as you might have guessed.

Just a heads up that, if you have the disorder, this one is gonna be a rough read. A lot of things that you were told throughout your childhood should be "normal" and maybe that you even thought were helping you are gonna pop up here as things that heavily increase the chances of ASPD, and we're not just talking about abuse and neglect, though of course that is the first one I'm gonna get into because it's the most obvious and well-known risk factor. Do expect some other information you might not have been ready to hear, though.

So the first one, as I said, is maltreatment as a child. This can include many kinds of abuse, including verbal, emotional, physical, sexual, etc. There are some reasons to believe that sexual abuse in particular, especially long-term sexual abuse, significantly increases the chance of developing ASPD.

The next is neglect, which also comes with a significant risk of developing ASPD, especially if the neglect is related to both the emotional and physical needs of a child. If the child experiences neglect in regards to needs such as food, hygiene, shelter, medical care, etc, but does not experience emotional neglect, the risk of developing ASPD appears to be somewhat less than if the child experiences both.

Maltreatment and neglect before the age of 18 months is especially significant when it comes to risk of developing ASPD. Not greeting an infant, not properly showing emotion and "appropriate affect" to an infant, and in particular a lack of attachment from their mother (either due to her literally being absent or just emotionally absent and disconnected) during the first 18 months of life are less commonly thought of forms of neglect that seriously affect secure attachment and increase the risk of ASPD.

The third and last of the "expected" answers to this question is witnessing intimate partner violence during childhood, especially regularly or across multiple partners. This shows the child two things: one is a fear of the aggressor as well a need to tiptoe around someone who should be a secure caregiver to avoid danger, and the second is a disbelief that the victim of the violence is able to protect them from danger, either because they appear weak (children are supposed to believe until a surprising age that their parents are superhero levels of strong and unable to be intimidated or weakened) in the eyes of the child, or because the child does not want to bother them with their issues when they already have their own abuse to deal with. This is especially true in cases where the child successfully controls the violence where the adult cannot (think those kids who use themselves as human shields because the abuser doesn't dare touch the child for various reasons), as it makes them feel they are responsible for protecting both themself and their caregiver, which disrupts normal attachment.

Here's where we get to the less obvious, more specific stuff that can lead to ASPD. There are multiple studies showing that an excess of television (I know, but hear me out bc this isn't about violence on tv), specifically when it is being used as a stand-in parent, significantly increases risk of developing ASPD even when other factors are controlled. As someone with ASPD, I can 100% see how this is valid. I used television to try and understand what normal people were like, and in turn, I experience a weird type of affective "empathy" when shown emotions in the over-acted way that they do on sitcoms, even though I do not experience that empathy when shown normally expressed emotions either on tv or in real life.

It also makes sense to me because generally when TV becomes a stand-in parent, the child is watching other children be cared for in ways that they are not in real life. The child may then be led to believe (as I was) that caring about other people is something made up for TV, since that's the only time they see it. Once the brain develops the understanding of fantasy vs reality, if TV is the only time that a child sees secure attachment styles, loving and attentive caregivers, etc, the brain may falsely place that in the fantasy category. That can lead to the thought processes and attachment issues that are typical of pwASPD, including feeling as though only they can be trusted to look out for themselves, that irl relationships are supposed to be transactional vs emotional, etc. So if you, like I did, attempted to watch sitcoms and such like Full House, Boy Meets World, etc. as a way of understanding what a normal family is supposed to be like or to understand how people are supposed to interact with each other, it is very possible that that was a contributing factor to the development of your ASPD.

Another somewhat surprising one: show of hands on how many pwASPD grew up hearing "it's just a joke", "you have no sense of humor", and "lighten up, we're just teasing you" - either from other kids, caregivers, or both?

Teasing is believed to be another major factor in developing ASPD. Teasing can cause a child to feel insecure, unsafe, and attacked when coming from people the child does not have a secure attachment to, and can decrease chances of the child developing that secure attachment later. This is especially true if the teasing came from caregivers, and of course has a higher chance of affecting the child if they attempt to set boundaries around it and aren't respected in that. This leads to the child feeling attacked by the people they are supposed to go to for comfort, and the more people who tease the child, the more likely the child is to feel unsafe around people as a whole - leading to the mindset that all people are dangerous and that the only person the child can trust is themselves. This teasing also causes self-imposed isolation as a way of feeling secure, which reinforces again that people are inherently unsafe and the only person the child can trust is themself. So if you tried to communicate your distress, discomfort, etc. about being teased and were dismissed, especially by your caregivers, then that significantly increased the chance that you would go on to develop ASPD.

One that is currently debated as to if it is a factor or not is the presence of an overprotective mother, specifically if that over-protectiveness became a point of contention between you two as you became more independent. It's surprising because a major characteristic of children who develop ASPD is independence, and most hold the belief that only they will protect them, but the reasoning is sound imo. The reason for this one, from those who believe it is associated with ASPD, is that when a child goes through the normal process of asserting independence, if they are met with either fear tactics as a form of control or heavy anxiety from their maternal figure, the child learns to be insecure, anxious, and obsessive about protecting themselves because they are being taught that the world is not safe/that they are not capable enough to explore that world. This can lead to an overblown expectation of the danger in the real world and leads to anxiety and distress around outside people. This anxiety and nervousness about the world can lead to the child seeing everyone and everything else as a threat, a mindset that is commonly associated with ASPD. If that anxiety is later disproven (as it inevitably will be unless the child experiences significant trauma - itself a risk factor for ASPD), this causes a rift in the attachment to the caregivers in question, and can make the child distrust their judgement and ability to assess risk, which again affects how safe the child feels with them. This is especially true if the connection to their caregivers is weakened by inconsistency, abuse, neglect, or other factors.

Any inconsistent behavior from caregivers, in fact, is another risk factor for developing ASPD. Children need to be able rely on consistency and routine to feel secure and develop normally. If they are constantly uncertain of how safe they may be with one or both caregivers, they are more likely to learn the idea that the only person they can rely on is themself.

Note that all of this is based on the current scientific understanding of ASPD's development, which deals significantly in both stigmatized and entirely false beliefs about the disorder. However, I focused here on points that made sense to me as someone with it, and did my best to explain how these contribute to ASPD through that lens in addition to the potentially biased medical lens. Our understanding of psychology in general is always changing, but these are some risk factors that are commonly believed at the time of writing to increase the chances of developing ASPD.

Also worth noting is that all of these factors do not need to be present to have ASPD develop. These factors significantly increase the risk of developing ASPD, especially when combined with a genetic component, but I am in no way claiming that you have to have all or even any of these to have ASPD.

I hope this helped you understand this disorder and the people with it a bit better. If you know someone with ASPD, maybe this can help you process why they hold the beliefs they do, and if you have ASPD and feel comfortable, feel free to show or explain some of this to your friends if you think it may help them understand where you're coming from a bit more.

A lot of the stigma, I think, comes from the fact that people don't get what we went through that led our brain to believe our antisocial traits were the best way to protect ourselves. For some, a little more light shed on that subject may be all they need to be more compassionate about it. And if you went into this with a negative outlook on pwASPD, I understand. It's easy in the world we're in to end up with that thought process. I appreciate you reading this far and ask you to read just a bit further to the end.

Try if you can to imagine what it's like to be a kid who has been through more than most adults have in their entire life and gotten so little help that that little child believes no one in the world protects anybody else. Imagine what kind of a world we were picturing growing up in because at the time, that was all we had ever seen. It would be horrifying, right? Even worse than the already pretty sucky world we currently live in. Imagine being a child and thinking that every other kid is going through the same stuff you are at home and handling it so much better. And for some, imagine knowing that some don't or that they get help, but not knowing why your life is different. Would you want to live in that world? Would you be able to keep the innocent, childlike wonder? Would you not be angry and hurt and confused as to why you didn't deserve the help and the life other kids get? Many of us lived thinking that from painfully early ages.

Is it so far-fetched for us to think we needed to protect ourselves if everyone was like the sample size of people we had met? Is it so shocking, then, that our subconscious thought that the traits we have now would be the only way to keep us safe? Is it really that surprising that a child so rarely, if ever shown kindness and empathy, might grow up not knowing how to replicate that for other people?

Most of us looked down the barrel of a proverbial (for some of us, literal) g*n as a toddler to young child, so we put on a vest. How were we supposed to know that other children had never felt that unsafe? How were we supposed to know that someone was supposed to help us when they never did?

Just food for thought. Thanks for reading.

[luverofralts]

Arkhelios Adventures

"So here's your new accommodations. You won't have a roommate here, we keep a low enough population so they're never needed. We find it's best that every student has their own space to perfect their skills."

Leofric Fromm gestured excitedly at the room Theo was staring at in bewilderment.

It was larger than the room he shared with Adam in Pleasantview, but far more empty. There was a desk and bed and easel and that was about it.

"I don't want to be here," Theo declared. "I need to be in Pleasantview. I need to see Adam. Maybe the coven changed their minds. I should try calling them. They might want me back."

"I'm afraid that that's not going to happen," Leofric replied. "The coven will not change their minds until you have made progress. You haven't even spent a single day here. You can't rush things as important as this. Pleasantview has stood for millennia, it will still be there when you are ready to return."

"Can I at least talk to my boyfriend? You guys must have phones here, right? Or even a computer?"

Leofric laughed. This was clearly a question that he answered a lot.

"Not for students. Not at your level, at least. We take a traditional approach to education here. Many of our students require some degree of privacy from the outer world, and student like you don't need the distraction from your studies. How will you ever learn to control your abilities if you are texting your friends and spending hours on the internet? We have arranged for you to talk to your parents once a week as a video call. You will be required to make the call from the office, where all of our technology stays. Many students don't have that accommodation, you should be thankful. Your aunt and step-father are both very persuasive people."

"And Adam?" Theo had listened to everything the counselor said, but there was nothing about the most important person he had to talk to.

Leofric laughed again seeing the look on Theo's face.

"Ah, young love. You remind me so much of my own daughter, never any time for her family, just her friends and romantic partners. The life of a teenager is rather narrow in its focus. Your boyfriend is not part of your accommodation, I'm afraid. The two of you together is what brought you to us in the first place. You can never learn to control yourself if the object of your desire is still within reach. By learning who you are without Mr. Darktide, you will learn who you can be when you do reunite. All it would take is a spark between you two, a moment where your emotions get the best of you perhaps, and you will put him at risk for further injury."

"Further? What happened? Is he okay? I need to talk to him! No one will let me even call him!"

"I know it's frustrating," Leofric said kindly. "I'm afraid that I don't have any information on his condition, only that he is alive and apparently still sharing a connection to you based on your entrance exam. Be patient. Our students don't usually spend more than a year with us. We are a quick stop in their lives, and they live out the rest of their lives in a better place than they would have alone. I'm sure that you'll be able to see your friends in no time. I'll let you unpack and get settled. There is a kitchen on the third level with prepared meals if you're hungry."

Leofric left the room, leaving Theo alone for the first time in what felt like forever.

"Yeah, that's not happening," he muttered to himself. "I'm getting out of here."

Theo opened the door to find a glowing sigil waiting for him in the hall. Obviously the school didn't want him wandering around unsupervised. Then how was he going to get the food that Leofric promised? He surely had to leave his room to do that.

When Theo's mind thought about the kitchen and how he would probably starve to death because he was magically forbidden from leaving his room, the sigil on the floor dimmed bit by bit until it seemingly vanished.

"Yes! Freedom!"

As soon as Theo took a step out of the door with the intention of escape, the sigil snapped back into place, glowing as fiercely as ever.

"Ah, intention based security," Theo groaned. "We don't learn how to beat those until fourth year."

If this system could even be beaten. Everything in this place seemed both ancient and cutting edge. He didn't even know what country he was in or what kind of society he had entered.

His heart sank when he realized the truth: he wasn't breaking out of this place any time soon. He had raw power on his side, but this place was old enough for the sovereign to have attended for a semester as a teen. He was no match for centuries of experience dealing with teenage demons. Plus them having knowledge of his true name was brutal. Every warning his teachers had ever given him about protecting that name suddenly made perfect sense. His only hope of escape was to once again change his true name...which only happened once a lifetime, if at all. He did his best magic when Adam was around and it had been Adam who helped him change his name accidentally in the first place. If Adam were here, he might have a chance. But alone? Theo got the feeling that he was going to be stuck at this school a very long time.

"Fine."

Theo stormed back into his room, hoping to find a way to contact the outside world. He tried his en suite bathroom, only to find what he could only assume was a spell put in place by the school. Either that, or its previous occupant was trying to leave him a message, however disturbing that was.

Theo slumped onto his bed, completely frustrated and angry with himself. He should be powerful enough to escape this place. He should be at home instead of worrying if Adam had been seriously injured. He should be in Pleasantview with his friends, not wherever the hell this place was.

His parents had to be miserable without him. It had been the hardest goodbye of his life so far having to leave them for an unknown amount of time. By the time the school had opened the portal for him to enter, Roman was visibly holding back tears while Abe was so choked with emotion, he hadn't been able to get any of the words he wanted to say out. Their goodbye hug had lasted several minutes, until the portal started glowing menacing colours. Theo even missed his siblings, though he'd never admit to it.

Once classes started, the days began to pass quickly enough. If Theo thought he had homework in Pleasantview, he was sadly mistaken. Here, there was nothing else to do but homework. His classes weren't heavily populated and many times Theo wouldn't see the same classmate until days later. No one seemed to have a consistent schedule of classes and many of his classes were just one on one instruction with a teacher or a teacher's assistant.

Alys even taught him a few lessons, such as energy manipulation and exercises to calm his mind. She barely spoke to him when it wasn't their approved teaching time, but Theo kind of preferred it that way.

His second week, Theo had the bright idea to use his lessons on manipulating his emotions and magical focus into escaping his room at night. He succeeded in making it to the ground floor entrance...

...only to be returned within a blink of an eye to his room, and a stack of new lessons and homework piled next to him as punishment. Centuries of unruly students had tested this school and made it near impossible to escape. Even Remy would probably have a difficult time sneaking out of here and she boasted about being able to sneak out of anywhere.

Buts thoughts of Remy inevitably led to thoughts about her brother, spiraling into a depression every time. Did Adam think of him often? Was he okay? Had the coven explained to him why Theo wasn't in school? Did he hate that decision as much as Theo did? Did he even want to see Theo again after what happened?

It didn't seem like his questions would ever be answered. If he closed his eyes and tried to control his senses like he was learning to, Theo could maybe still sense Adam's place in the universe. Their weak connection was a guide, pointing him in the right direction to find the reassuring warmth of Adam's spirit. It wasn't strong enough to communicate with him, but feeling what he hoped was Adam's presence gave Theo hope.

With no phone, computer or television, there wasn't much to do aside from read or finish homework for entertainment. An easel had been left in the room and Leofric would often encourage Theo to try it. Painting was a form of self expression and could display his complex inner world for others to understand him better. It could be a relaxing outlet or just a way to pass the time between classes. Abe had once tried to teach Theo how to sketch, but neither of them really had the time to dedicate to it. Saturnia loved to draw with her siblings at the craft table, if Theo got home before she was a teen, maybe he could share his new hobby with his sister.

At the rate he was going though, Saturnia might be the one showing him how to paint.

[sonicasura]

The more I look up vaccinations for animals online, the more I think getting Kafka vaccinated, especially in Anon's Chibi AU, is a huge pain.

For just needle administration and blood draw, I suppose the easiest thing is that his veins glow (do they? or is that something else?), so there's less guesswork on that front of where to jab. But here he is also very small and very hairy and squirmy. The hair can be shaved if required, but the other two aspects are dangerous for him in conjunction. Rats and other small critters can be restrained, but not him.

For the information and decision-making front, exotic animals don't have a lot of information on them. Vaccines are formulated and used on exotic mammals, but testing their efficacy is difficult because blood titer (measurement of substance in solution, in this case antibodies) is only one aspect of immunity, hard to measure anyways, and effective immunity levels aren't established. Reptiles are usually kept in isolation, so they don't require vaccines, thus little information on vaccinating them, either.

And Kaiju are unique aliens or bioweapons or something, aren't expected to live long once they are discovered, and few action series bother having characters worry over blood-borne diseases (Mina had no problem with blood on her face that one time, and the cleanup crew is a little too lax with their face shields from what I recall imo), so the information on those is probably abysmal, too.

Ultimately, vaccination is a means of mediating risk, so perhaps one of the more important steps is to be sure the humans around Kafka, who are easier to vaccinate, have all their shots, too.

I basically wrote all this because I was trying to come up with a quick scene and got totally distracted trying to make the procedure realistic. In the end I lost my motivation and gave up, heheh.

Best not to rush yourself. Let inspiration come to ya. I'm currently tackling my own writer's block so the feeling is mutual.

I won't be surprised if the Defense Force made everyone get their vaccinations too. As for Kaiju, the earliest we know they been roaming in the KN8VERSE is the Meian Period. Enough time for the much smaller ones to meld into the local ecosystems. I won't be surprised if vaccinations were introduced as the environment or enough contact with humans will cause changes.

The Defense Force usually gun down Kaiju who cause trouble for humans or are registered. Pest controls would adapt to handle the harmless small fry, companies experiment for potential new products and some shops might even sell the tiny ones as exotic pets too. Thus the medicine was forced to evolve.

Anyway, getting needles that can pierce kaiju flesh wouldn't be so farfetched. Kafka just gets scared since they look bigger due to his small size. He might need some emotional support.

[maylovesfiction]

So, I wasn't originally going to post, but today I just felt like sharing a bit. The following scene will be the start of a fanfiction of my (first) OC and Buggy. I have multiple scenes within this whole story already written, and I know how the story will go. I will most likely change this version, when I get a slightly different idea or when I need to include some additional information, but I want the general gist to be like this. I didn't put the whole scene I have written here, because I haven't yet typed it into my laptop (I'm a pencil and paper user - it's easier for me to justify having a pen and paper with me at work than being on my phone haha), but there will be more. I'm at the point where I would like to get your feedback; can be about anything, writing style, writing/spelling/grammar mistakes I made, anything on characters. (There is the possibility that I switch randomly between UK and USA english, I'm sorry) At this point all that's left for me to say is: It ain't much, but it's honest work. Enjoy and Thank you for reading.

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He just fell out of the sky. Kanna looked at him with bewildered amusement. He was just a head with hands and feet, no trace of any legs or a torso. He seemingly had no injuries, but she couldn’t be sure, his fall had been pretty bad. She looked him over once more. His coat was way too big for him and his face was oddly familiar. The man was still unconscious and from his attire she figured he could be a pirate, so she wasn’t going to shake him awake. But she also couldn’t just let him lie around out in the open unconscious. She sighed and cautiously poked him with the tip of her shoe, when he still didn’t move, she slowly and carefully picked him up by his hands to carry him towards her small cabin. It was a short walk up the hill until she reached her home. She had to be careful not to stumble over his long orange coat. When she arrived at the house she tucked him into her bed. Judging by his hat he was a pirate and yet she couldn't bring herself to let him lay out there by himself, unconscious and without protection. Besides, maybe he was actually a nice person. Kanna had heard stories about somewhat nice pirates. Sure, being an asshole came with the job description but apparently there were also pirates that didn't abuse the weak and would just hunt the marines, other pirates or simply just treasure. He looked so peaceful. It was decided. Everything was better than to leave him outside and not keeping an eye on him. Kanna made a sour face as she remembered she still had to get groceries from the town's market. She contemplated if it was safe to go into town and leave the pirate to his own. She watched him for a moment and then chose to go nevertheless. She really needed to restock her supplies. 

It was a short walk down the hill to reach town. She finished her tour as quickly as she possibly could. She was almost back on her way home when something caught her eye. It was a Wanted Poster. Her eyes grew wide. So that's where she had seen him. “Wanted Buggy the Clown 15 000 000 Berry” it read. This was the pirate captain who leveled Orange Town! 

Kanna basically ran the way back up to her house, hoping it was still standing. Everything seemed calm when she arrived, so she took a moment to catch her breath. After a few moments she set her supplies down on the ground and opened the door to her cabin as quietly as she could and peeked in. The pirate was still in bed where she had left him and it didn't appear that he had moved at all. A sigh of relief escaped her. “What now?” she asked herself. She didn't want to kill him, that was going against her values. But nevertheless at that moment he still needed help and she couldn't just kick him out. No, she had to stay and take care of him, even if that meant risking her life. Kanna picked up her bag with supplies and entered the house to start putting the groceries away. It was time for lunch.

When Buggy came to the memories only slowly came back. That damned strawhat had launched him into the air. He would pay for this! Only slowly he became aware of his surroundings. He was lying on something soft, it smelled like food and… there was a voice. Talking to him? No. The voice was singing. His eyes flew open, looking for the source of the sound. He slowly turned his head and saw a woman with short black hair standing by a stove with her back towards him. It seemed like she was cutting up some vegetables while singing to herself. Buggy looked around and noticed he was in a small wooden house. Who was this person? Why was he in her house? Was she trying to rob him? Or worse, did she call the marines to get him for his bounty? He quietly managed to sit up, only to find the world spinning around him. His head was throbbing from pain.

Midway through her song she felt a burning sensation on her back. The hairs on her arms rose and she just knew her visitor had to be awake. Kanna stopped singing and slowly turned around to face him. She was surprised to find him already sitting upright in her bed. “Who are you?!” he demanded to know and Kanna noticed a dangerous tone in his voice. “My name is Kanna.” - “Where am I?!” - “You are in my home on the island Sensa.” Buggy looked at her funny “You are lying! There is no such island!” Kanna looked at him with a blank expression and shrugged. “We're a small seasonal island, so most maps won't show us.”  Buggy's eyebrow rose up but he didn't say anything else. He had heard about some seasonal islands on the East Blue. They were only accessible during certain seasons and after some time the ocean would claim them again, only for them to reappear the next year around the same time. People living on those islands would only build quick to raise wooden houses. Yet he was still skeptical. He didn't trust her. Buggy glared at her with narrow eyes. As if Kanna could read his mind she stated “I didn't call the Marines if that's what you're afraid of. And the next town's people don't know you're here either. You fell out of the sky in the woods just below this cabin. I can show you the exact location if you like.” The pirate stayed silent. 

Kanna was tense and she hated the thickness of the air in her cabin. She sighed and tried to relax her stance. He was dangerous but she had to look at it positively, if he was that unhinged he probably would have hurt her already. So maybe he would come around if she was nice. “I was preparing lunch. Nothing fancy, just some plain deer meat with steamed vegetables. Do you want some?” she offered. At the mention of food his eyes lit up ever so slightly, even though he stayed silent. So that was a Yes. A small smile formed on her lips. “I still have some preparation to do, so it'll still take me some time to get the food ready. You can rest and I'll wake you up when I'm done.” Kanna proposed. Not waiting for an answer this time she turned her back to him once again and continued cutting the vegetables into small pieces. 

Yea, as if he would rest now. That woman clearly wanted him to feel safe so he wouldn't be prepared when the Marines showed up. She was a bold one, to turn her back to him so carelessly. If only his head didn't hurt so badly. Her bed was… okay. But not as flashy as his bed back on the Big Top. Her bed was somewhat comfortable, though… and it wouldn't hurt to rest his head a little more. No! He didn't trust her. He couldn't let his guard down. Buggy looked around. Her cabin was basically one big room with the bed on the wall across from the front door and the kitchen cabinets and the stove next to the door. Near the center of the room was a table with two chairs, clearly intended for eating only, and in the furthest corner he spotted another small table with a very small and old stool beneath it. Stacks and stacks upon papers piled up on the corner table. Buggy noticed the lack of decoration, nothing fancy, no silver, no gold, nothing even remotely shiny, except… His eyes rested on a small display case hung on the wall next to the corner table. He ignored the pain in his head starting up again when he moved and jumped off the bed to examine the case further and walked towards it. Buggy detached his head to examine the contents up on the wall. It certainly was a set of throwing knives. They clearly had seen better days, but they had to have been expensive when they were new. They were the product of fine smithing craftsmanship, he could tell as much. When he heard something drop, he turned his floating head towards the origin of the sound. 

Kanna couldn't believe her eyes. She had heard about Buggy's devil fruit powers, but to see them in action was different. She stared at Buggy's head floating in front of her weapon display. She should have hidden them. Kanna mentally smacked herself. She tried to still appear busy in case he would turn to look at her so she was hastily proceeding to cut some potatoes, but in her distracted state she accidentally cut her finger. The cutting knife dropped from her hand onto the floor. “Shit” she cursed out loud. Blood was already trickling from her left hand where the knife had left a moderately deep cut in her index finger. She quickly rinsed her injury with some water and got herself a clean piece of cloth from a rag hanging above the sink to press on her wound. When she looked up, she noticed that Buggy's eyes rested on her. His face was unreadable. “I’m sorry for cursing, I was just clumsy and cut myself. No big deal,” she gave a weak smile before hastily walking over to the table next to Buggy. Kanna opened one of the many drawers and took out some herbs and bandages. Even though it was just a small cut, she still didn’t want it to get infected. She rubbed the herbs between her thumb and index finger of her right hand until the leaves were leaking their fluids. Kanna discarded the bloodied cloth into a hamper nearby and pressed the herbs on to her cut. The painful sting the plant’s fluids were inflicting made her hiss, but she had to be quick to wrap it up before the blood started dripping onto her floor. She quickly wrapped the bandages around her finger and secured them with a little clip. That should do. Kanna had failed to notice Buggy watching her very intently, clearly interested in whatever she was doing. So when she looked up after tending to her wound and was almost face to face with Buggy's head she jumped. “So, you’re some kind of doctor or healer?” Buggy asked her, while turning his gaze towards the open drawer full of herbs, medicine and first aid utensils.

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