#some people freak out when they’re asked about queer stuff and she just gets excited

[benjinoff13]

[smallblueandloud]

OKAY SO remember how i said i was considering buying the librarians box set? well, i bought it and i’ve been working my way through for... a few weeks now? maybe a month. i’m like three episodes into s2 (i skipped around this season a little because i wanted to show lesbean the time loop episode) and like. hmm. i have Thoughts and i’m gonna Express Them now.

my younger self didn’t realize it, but cassandra is REALLY VERY BI, isn’t she?? the women in the fairy tale story. the way she looks at lamia when she’s holding the apple. the implication that librarian!cass slept with eve. the implication that she IS sleeping with lamia. the way she gets the italian baroness’ number without even TRYING. god that’s gay. i love john rogers.

cassandra/ezekiel remains my favorite component of the ot3. he carries around a HANDKERCHIEF for her in late s1 when her nosebleeds are getting bad. that’s CANON. i just have to DEAL with that knowledge. and like, he steals her that statue in the science fair episode, and guides her in the labyrinth, and the way they’re so effortlessly a team by the occult college episode is my FAVORITE THING IN THE WORLD

jake/ezekiel has Big Repression Energy and i need, i NEED ezekiel to hold jake’s face in his hands after he has a near miss. i need it for SCIENCE. it’s SO GOOD. the POTENTIAL.

baby me kind of disliked jake/cassandra, i think because i cared about the ot3 and/or cassandra/ezekiel a lot and i didn’t like how they were being sidelined. or maybe i just didn’t like how ezekiel was being sidelined. either way, i acted HASTILY. they’re still my least favorite component relationship but there’s some GOOD STUFF in there. the way jake takes her word for it during the tesla episode, even when it might doom his newest girlfriend? in the season where they’re having trust issues? god, poetic cinema! give me more of cassandra saying something and the guys IMMEDIATELY accepting it because it’s cass and they trust her and i’m upset about it

i love eve baird so, so much

flynn so clearly has adhd that i can’t believe it’s not canon. also evlynn is the CUTEST thing and i NEED more of that running joke where every time they have a ~moment~, flynn has a realization. it’s so funny to me but also, like, mumble mumble something about how eve inspires him? or something? it’s GOOD is what i’m saying.

i saved the best for last but: J E N K I N S

I AM EVEN MORE EMO ABOUT HIM THAN I WAS LAST TIME. also sidenote they are NOT trying to hide his identity it’s kind of delicious. highlights include: jenkins is good friends with santa claus and mrs. claus, jenkins drops his pitcher of water when someone mentions dulaque, jenkins knows a Suspicious Amount of arthur lore in the first episode, and jenkins actually LAUGHS when eve says “maybe dulaque falling out a plane killed him?” and says “it takes a lot more than falling out of a plane to kill u-- him. dulaque.”

A L S O THAT MORGAN LE FAY REVEAL IS LITERALLY THE BEST THING IN THE WORLD. THOSE KINDS OF REVEALS ARE MY FAVORITE AND I’M KIND OF OBSESSED WITH THE IDEA THAT JENKINS AND MORGAN AND DULAQUE HAVE SPENT THOUSANDS OF YEARS NAVIGATING AROUND EACH OTHER.

morgan uses magic to have fun and dulaque wants power and jenkins wants to explore it and you cannot TELL me there is not 12k of angsty character study in there you cannot CONVINCE me to stop thinking about it and i will NOT because it’s EXCELLENT.

(also jenkins Insists with a capital i that ufos are not real and like, first of all, ufos are always real because they literally just mean “unidentified flying object” and ANYTHING can be “unidentified” but also i am gonna say it’s because he was good friends with guinan for a few hundred years and he’s not gonna out her like that lmao)

Petition For Jenkins To Be Gay. i don’t know which knight of the round table galahad was close with but there’s GOTTA be one that wasn’t his FATHER (disputed) or his KING or his WEIRD WIZARD UNCLE-TYPE GUY (sorry merlin)

jenkins knowing INSTANTLY that cass met the ladies of the lake was Good And Right and my only problem is that he seems to distrust them so much? i mean, i GET it, and it’s part of the conflict of the season/show (how should magic be used? should we teach people to use it or hide it away?), but also i want his opinions to be TRUSTWORTHY

SPEAKING OF S2. PETITION FOR EVE AND FLYNN AND MORIARTY TO HAVE A BRIEF FLING. NO ONE IS AS CONFUSED AS EVE IS ABOUT THIS TURN OF EVENTS. FLYNN’S LIKE “oh, we’re sleeping with a fictional? an evil fictional? an evil fictional that wants to seize the library? [beat] oh, well, it was mostly prospero anyway. okay let’s do this then! never slept with a fictional before, this’ll be interesting!”

could’ve SWORN that jenkins was a fictional but apparently NOT? that combined with the idea that camelot was literally in the loom of fate makes me think that camelot was a REAL PLACE in this universe and i’m just. i’m so confused. why is he IMMORTAL i have QUESTIONS

the next ep i’m watching is The Librarians And Jake Stone Has Daddy Issues and i’m SO FREAKING EXCITED ABOUT IT. let’s talk about trust issues!! let’s talk about family!! PLEASE!!!!!

i watched the time loop episode. and i sobbed. a lot. it was embarrassing, frankly, and we’re not discussing it. my only real question/unresolved thing is that i could’ve sworn we got canon confirmation that ezekiel remembers it and we actually DON’T and i want to SEE the ptsd!! give me the aftermath!!!!!

i want the ot3 to date! is that too much to ask!

also i’m PRETTY SURE this ending is the one with jenkins talking about his king and y’all, i am Not Prepared for this, i am going to LOSE IT. i will Never Stop Talking About It, Ever.

I KNOW EVERYONE EVER SAYS THIS BUT THEY SHOULD’VE USED JENKINS’ BACKSTORY MORE. I WANT AN EPISODE WHERE SOMEONE NEEDS TO BE PURE OF HEART. COME ON WRITERS WHAT ARE YOU, COWARDS?

uh. i’m sure i have more thoughts but i will post them at a later point. tldr i am still in love with this show and it is so good and the only ways it could’ve been improved were 1) more queerness and 2) more arthurian details. thank you for coming to my ted talk.

[violetwolfraven]

Crossover Headcanons

((I know I have requests in my inbox but I just had to get this out of my head. Also I probably won’t be posting those requests for a while because my writer’s block is only barely starting to lift, so...))

Anyway this is gonna start off from one perspective and go to more later. Enjoy. 💜

Tw: past death, nightmares

...

So this is a... spin-off? Of the reincarnation au? An alternate timeline? A variant? Whatever it is the newsies are reincarnated and remember their past.

Also somehow most of them are going to the same college here, (I’m not going to say which one because I don’t want to research colleges right now) even if they’ve got a wide range of majors.

There’s only one dorm building even if people are only allowed to share a room with someone of the same gender.

This works out well for Elmer, because he’s pretty happy to be rooming with his boyfriend, Buttons.

But then he gets up to the floor their dorm is on and almost drops the box he’s holding.

Because it’s fuckin her. His national-level math nemesis since 11th grade. They’ve only faced off twice, the first time with her team winning and the second with his winning, but they’re each the only one who can beat the other in a math competition.

Elmer can see the shock in her eyes as she recognizes him and shouts YOU and then she’s stomping over to him aggressively enough that he’s pretty sure she wants to throw down physically.

Jack (who’s also on that floor with Davey) figures that too, and steps in front of him before she gets too close, but that girl acts like she doesn’t even notice him and shouts I WAS HALF A SECOND BEHIND YOU SOLVING THAT PROBLEM!

Elmer is kinda terrified but he defensively shoots back well I still solved it first and moves around Jack because this is his math nemesis and his fight.

The girl scowls at him for a couple more seconds then just sticks out her hand to shake, and Elmer realizes that he doesn’t actually know her name beyond the surname he’s seen on the back of her mathletes jacket. She introduces herself as Cady Heron.

Elmer Kazprzak, he responds, and Cady looks like she’s trying not to laugh, but he figures that’s probably fair, with how ‘Elmer’ was a common name in 1885 but not so much in 2003.

Jack clears his throat so Elmer introduces him but forgets that this isn’t their high school so things like oh this is Jack. He’s basically my dad. are weird.

Cady definitely thinks it’s weird but she doesn’t question it. Instead she just asks where Elmer is living, and it turns out, of course, he and Buttons are right next door to her and her roommate, Karen.

(I say Cady is living with Karen because Gretchen wanted to live with Regina and rules be damned Janis is with Damien.)

Elmer isn’t completely sure he’s not going to get murdered in his sleep but he guesses if he could handle the 1899 Newsboy Strike and World War I he can handle Cady Heron.

Meanwhile Katherine is going to Harvard so Sarah is rooming with someone she’s never met and she’s a little nervous.

And in stomps a girl who declares I’m a lesbian and if you have a problem with that tell me now so I can switch dorms.

And Sarah responds with my girlfriend out at Harvard would be pretty pissed at me if I did have a problem with that.

The girl lets her guard down, explains that she comes from a small town, and says her name is Alyssa Greene.

After that little bump, they get along good. Alyssa explains that her girlfriend, Emma, registered late and couldn’t get a dorm with who she wanted.

And Sarah’s just kinda like wait Emma as in Unruly Hearts Emma? Alyssa’s just like yeah!! I’m so proud of her!!

Sarah brags a bit about how Katherine is studying to be a journalist with a specialty in queer stories and long story short they become besties and eventually Alyssa introduces Emma for real and Sarah introduces Smalls and Sniper.

Emma and Alyssa are a bit thrown by the whole nickname thing but hey whatever now they have a Lesbian Club!

They do meet up with the boys occasionally but the Lesbian Club meets on a video call with Katherine every Saturday.

Anyway Jack meets Janis in art class and initially they kinda think each other is weird because their styles are very different but then they get in an actual conversation and get along amazingly.

Jack is definitely a fan of Janis’s philosophy of when someone hurts your friends you attack and grind your foe into the ground.

Janis tells her new bestie about Cady and Damien (and Regina, Gretchen, and Karen, though she still keeps Cady and Damien closer than the former Plastics) and she’s honestly shocked by the amount of friends Jack tells her about.

She does recognize some names, though. Romeo and Damien are both theatre majors and they’ve become friends.

But anyway Jack and Janis are like. Super good friends. Art buddies. Mlm/wlw solidarity. Protective friend pals.

Janis is pretty surprised when she introduces him to Cady and they’ve already met, and apparently oh fuck your math nemesis is Jack’s Elmer???

Jack’s just going oh fuck Elmer’s math nemesis Cady is Janis’s Cady???

Also Regina met Spot and Sarah at the gym and now they meet up with a few other people every other week to throw down like their own personal fight club.

At first Regina was just angrily trying to fight with no technique, but don’t worry, Spot and Sarah teach her.

There weren’t a ton of out gays at Northshore High, so yeah the Mean Girls crew definitely gets along with the Newsies crew out of solidarity.

Janis and at least one of the Plastics but I can’t choose which one(s) join the Lesbian Club.

Meanwhile Race is super hyped to meet Emma cause like I choreographed a dance to your song wanna see???

Emma is flattered but kinda weirded out and she mentions her friend Angie who’s a dancer too and Race is just *error 404*

Cause of course he saw the news story and knows Emma knows these 4 big Broadway stars but it just. Hasn’t connected until this moment that she like has their numbers.

He tries not to freak out too much cause he knows that’s weird but Emma eventually goes do you wanna meet her? And Race goes do I wanna meet her? She’s only my IDOL!! she’s been dancing like 20 years and she’s still got it!!

Emma calls Angie partially because she likes her new dancer friend and wants to make him happy and partially because she wants to prove to Angie that people do appreciate her zazz and despite how she was just a chorus girl until a few months ago this random boy from New York has been a fan since he was 12.

Angie can’t exactly fly over at the drop of a hat but she watches some videos on YouTube of Race dancing and like holy hell this kid is good. And his friends are too but this kid right here has zazz off the charts.

When she finds out he’s an orphan she’s lowkey can I adopt him??? but then she finds out he already has an adoptive mother and it’s Medda Larkin.

Medda Larkin who did more than a few shows with Angie when they were young but left Broadway to open her own theatre.

They fell out of touch years ago but still follow each other on Instagram and stuff.

But Angie shows Barry and Dee Dee and she’s super excited like remember Medda Larkin??? THIS IS HER ADOPTIVE KID AND HE’S AMAZING

And they watch YouTube clips of Emma’s new friends in high school shows and like wtf these kids are fuckin talented why aren’t they on Broadway???

They almost tell Emma to tell her friends to drop out of college and come straight (haha not that straight) to Broadway but Trent is like wtf no education is important.

Whatever the actors aren’t that relevant.

Sarah has a nightmare about her death one night. And with the others it’s not as big of a deal because they’re all rooming with each other, but Sarah’s roommate isn’t one of them.

She thinks Alyssa is asleep so she calls Katherine crying about how scared she was, how guilty she felt to be leaving her brothers and friends and Kath without a goodbye.

And Alyssa isn’t quite awake, but she’s awake enough that she hears Sarah whisper about how everything is just so stupid complicated. I shouldn’t be afraid of dying when I’ve done it before—when we’ve all died horribly—but I still am, Kitty. I can’t stop being afraid.

Alyssa is out of it enough that she falls back asleep, but when she wakes up she knows what she heard. That her roommate thinks she had a past life and died and implied that all her friends did.

Emma notices she’s acting weird and when she asks what’s wrong she tells her.

They both know it sounds crazy, but...

Emma tentatively points out some weird things about their friends from New York.

She’s study buddies with Race and occasionally he points something out she got wrong on her history homework. Something so small and inconsequential that it would’ve been almost impossible for him to know unless he was there and remembered from experience.

Smalls and Sniper have a habit of jumping apart if they were so much as holding hands and someone walks in on them, even though they come from a mostly accepting city with an accepting friend group.

That whole group straight up skipped history class the whole week they were learning about World War I and refused to make up the work.

They bring the half-baked theory to Janis who immediately remembers all the times she’s seen Jack draw small war-torn towns in France and dirty city streets and an outdated skyline as if seen from a rooftop, all of them too detailed to be anything but directly copied from something Jack has seen before.

But the question is if they’re drawn from a reference photo or a memory.

Cady realizes, upon hearing the theory, that Elmer and Buttons never take her up on offers to come to football games because they don’t like the noise.

More specifically, she remembers the look on her nemesis/frenemy’s face when he said he didn’t like fireworks.

Aaron notices that Davey always solves math problems by hand. He never uses a calculator unless someone reminds him it’s an option. And half the time, he defaults to using his right hand with terrible handwriting even though he’s left handed. Almost like he was raised with the whole ‘left hand devil’ thing, which doesn’t make sense because he went to a public school; not a religious one.

Damien realizes that Romeo has a habit of correcting the costume department, like he knows the period clothing for Hello, Dolly! better than they do. It annoys the hell out of them because upon some research, he is always right.

Regina notes how Spot and Sarah fight like they’re fighting for their lives in a street brawl. She knows that because she started taking karate in an attempt to win fights. She noticed months ago that her friends use technique that’s barely sustainable, like they’re just trying to stay alive until they can run or backup comes.

However all this is just fun and games, a crack theory they’re all mildly creeped out by but don’t really believe, until Gretchen finds it.

An article on the Newsboy Strike of 1899.

There’s a copy of the Newsies Banner, written by Katherine Plumber, which references strike leaders Jack Kelly and David Jacobs.

But they could write that off as just a creepy coincidence if not for the photo.

It’s the one Katherine and Darcy took that first day, which is in black and white and not the greatest quality, but clearly shows a lot of familiar faces.

A later story by this Katherine Plumber documents lives of street kids with interviews from kids with the same odd nicknames as the group they know.

Regina was the most cynical about this theory and even she can’t deny it now. There’s just too much evidence.

Especially when Karen finds Crutchie’s obituary, but Regina stops her from showing it to anyone else because that’s just too creepy.

The Mean Girls crew and Alyssa and Emma are... unsure if they should confront their friends about this, because a) this is freaky and b) the newsie gang is clearly still harboring trauma due to their deaths.

Plus, as Damien points out, being gay was illegal in 1899. Do you think they want a reminder of how they had to hide their feelings for each other back then?

Emma and Alyssa share a knowing look because they know what that’s like.

In the end Karen lets it slip when she asks Davey a question about her history homework involving World War II, mistakenly believing he was there.

Davey naturally questions her about it and she spills the entire story about how Alyssa heard Sarah’s phone call and they figured everything else out from there. She even shows him the article with the 1899 photo and the Newsies Banner.

And... shit, there’s a lot of memories behind that picture. And that’s them, over a hundred years ago, when they were kids and they weren’t all the same age like this time around.

The old Davey looks so big compared to Romeo and Elmer and god was Specs tall for a 15-year-old.

Davey didn’t even meet Smalls and Sniper in this lifetime until they were 16, but in that picture they’re only 13 and they’re so small.

A sidenote on Katherine has a picture of her in a hairstyle he hasn’t seen her in since 1917.

It’s a mixture between ptsd and nostalgia and Davey can’t decide whether to freak out or be happy.

He takes the article to Jack and tells him about how Gretchen found it and their non-reincarnated friends know.

Jack’s silently cursing the fact that he really should have been more careful with what he drew around Janis, but it’s kinda a relief that they know, honestly.

He shoots a quick text to the group chat and then turns his phone on do not disturb mode while he sits Janis down for a little chat.

He doesn’t go into graphic detail, but he does tell her an abridged version of everything. How they were basically a family and all lgbt+ in the early 20th century and how they died before their time and got a second chance.

It’s more than a little freaky for Janis, but it does explain a lot.

Such as how Jack demonstrates on a dare that he can still do some parkour because once upon a time, he used it to run from the cops.

Elmer tells Cady he’s so quick at math because he used to have to calculate change quickly and later had to help Jack and Davey come up with battle plans based on numbers vs tactics and terrain.

Regina definitely trusts Spot’s combat advice a lot more now because he was essentially a gang leader as a teenager and it has literally saved his life.

Race admits to Emma that her song made him cry because... in this lifetime he might not have had to be closeted, but in his last he was constantly worried about getting arrested or worse if people found out not just about him and his boyfriend, but his friends. His family.

Emma may or may not collaborate with him after that to write a song about how much it hurts to be closeted for your own safety and how much better it feels to be free to be who you are. Race dances in the music video and many of the other newsies make appearances but it’s mainly him and Emma. Spot and Alyssa cry when they see it. Damien does, too.

Who am I kidding everyone cries.

They get like 4 million hits on YouTube and it’s amazing.

The title is probably In the Light or something.

Also Cady, Aaron, Kevin, and Elmer form their own college level mathletes team and no one can beat them.

(Kevin’s not as close with the main group literally only because I don’t know that much about him as a character.)

(Also Stacy, Kailey, and whatever their boyfriends’ names are might be there somewhere but I don’t know them either.)

Katherine does get to meet the new kids in person eventually. And also I didn’t mention this earlier but Specs goes to Harvard too and he comes to visit too.

The power when the Lesbian Club finally gets to meet all in person? Unparalleled.

:)

[eddiemunsonssoulmate]

Make love, not war: The anti- OBX drama edition

Okay kids, listen up.

I’m too old for all of this drama and I’ve been on this hellsite for way too long to just keep watching it in silence so this is gonna be my only, long ass post about this mess that has occured/is occuring. I’m trying to get my thoughts out and and maybe talk some sense into the last three braincells some people have left.

These are my thoughts. My opinion. It’s totally fine if you disagree but if you feel strongly offended or called out by this, you might be part of the problem.

I’ve been watching the drama for a while now and normally I’m just someone who’s on the quiet side, grabbing a box of popcorn and watching how y’all tear each other to pieces but seriously? 

Some of you really need to get a life.

Fandom life isn’t always easy, fandom life can be messy, some people are not what they seem, yadda yadda.

But seriously, did you lose all the respect you had when you’ve signed up on this website or social media in general?

First: The Rudy “drama”

Someone, a really sweet and nice to everyone person, stated a theory based on an anon ask who based their ask on a social media website. A theory. A worst case scenario of what might have happened. They wanted to be nice and answer to every anon they’re getting but guys. 

Guys.

It was a theory. A mere idea of what might have happened because someone asked, nothing else. It was not facts, there was no evidence and the ask that caused all of this was not based on facts either. It can totally be fun to speculate about things. You’re allowed to believe what you want. Rudy’s a dick, Rudy’s a sweet angel, Rudy is a blue alien in disguise, everyone is allowed to have an opinion on something but oh my god.

Don’t make facts out of theories. 

Don’t look at three emotes and be like “oh my god they have to be dating!”

Don’t make a drama out of two actors not liking each other’s posts on Instagram like what the heck.

When did Social Media take over your life so much that you interpret everything in those little things? There’s a real life out there, ya know?

We don’t know anything for a fact so let it go. Wait until someone says something official which probably won’t happen.

More importantly, stay out of actors' private lives as much as you can. Seriously. You’re welcome to state your opinion about them, make theories, stuff like that but tbh, it’s better to stay out of it because at the end of your day, it’s none of our business. Celebrity stalking is not and never will be cool. Don’t waste your time and energy of trying to figure something out they clearly don’t want you to see. Best example for this are like, baby news.

I know it can be exciting to figure stuff out. I know you can be totally curious because you like that person and want to find things about their life but don’t blow it out of proportion.

Actors are humans. Actors are not their characters. They have their own private life and if they want to share, that’s cool. If not, then that’s also cool. And tbh, the OBX cast is feeding us a lot more way more than other actors from other shows/movies, god bless them.

But who the fuck do you think you are that you’re sending them, the actors or the people talking about it, hate based on a simple theory on a website that has a life on it’s own and things that happen on here should stay on here? That’s not cool, it’s a shame for other people in the fandom. Why would you want to make a person feel bad because I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t like to feel this way either.

They’re grown ups, they can do what they want. You don’t have to like it but for the love of god:

Have some respect for a human being.

Second: The Chase Thing aka #chasestokespartyisover

That last sentence totally applies here too.

Have respect for a human being.

Boy made a tweet over ten years ago where he said something that was problematic. Was that cool? No. Did he apologize? Yes. Is it time to let it go? Totally. Was his hacking excuse true or not? WE DON’T KNOW.

You know what’s not cool tho? Some people taking their time to scroll down TEN YEARS AND MORE on a timeline to get some tea on them that you can use and complain about.

I know quarantine can get boring but jfc guys. There are more things to life than obsessing over an actor, ya know.

We all said shit in our youth, that’s a fact but people change. They grow. Don’t compare a teenage boy with a grown ass man.

You know what’s also totally 100% not acceptable? People photoshopping fake screenshots to show what a big mean white boi Chase is, trying to fuel the fire of hate. What the fuck is wrong in those minds?

Cancel Culture is a toxic phenomenon that should be the only thing getting canceled. You can’t cancel people, ya know. It’s fucking toxic to say something like that and just...don’t, man. I barely have any words left to describe this stupid thing.

Make love, not war. Spread love, not hate.

Fandom is not a place to rip each other to pieces. Not everything in this world is about race, sex/gender or problematic things. Just because someone doesn’t reblog a lot about Madison it’s mostly not because of racism or because she’s queer. Sure, that’s probably the case for some people but you know, those people aren’t worth it then.

Fandom is not a place that should spread hate around, especially not on anon, sending people asks filled with hate. There’s a bunch of younger kids on here, especially in the OBX fandom from what I’ve seen so far and it’s not okay to tell a 15 year old girl to tell her to go kill herself because she likes Rudy more than JD or shit like that. It’s never okay to something like that but it hits the younger ones even harder. Maybe it’s their first fandom and people ruin that experience on the spot, feeling powerful while on anon.

Fandom should be a place where we come together and have fun. Make friends and share things. Gifset, fanfics, theories about the new season, things like that. It should be a place to freak out over new teasers, new pictures from the set, the cast sharing stuff on their platform of choice and just things we enjoy.

There are different ways to block and blacklist on Tumblr, especially if you’re using it in a browser on your laptop/pc. Use that to block toxic people, tags you don’t wanna see and create your own little bubble where you’re happy in. Do this in case you feel uncomfortable with some people around here, so you only see what makes you happy.

Please remind yourself about the fact that behind all those blogs, there are real people. People who all have their own lives, own opinions, own ideas. Same goes for actors. They’re not there for your personal entertainment, they don’t have to share their complete private life with you. They’re human, just like you and me and it’s unacceptable to send them hate, no matter what they’ve done. You don’t have to like them but keep it to yourself or talk about it with friends, I don’t give a shit but leave it out of their sight.

Please remind yourself that we want to have a good time here and especially during times like these where we spend more time on here than we probably should *laughs*

If you made it to the end, thank you for your attention and taking your time and remember:

Be nice to each other, the world is cruel enough.

-Captain out.

[6ftslytherin]

Another fic

Ismelda comes over, but Marie's family is weird.

(Trigger warning for bipobia.)

Marie was on pins and needles. She needed this to go well. Her and Ismelda had been dating since April. Sure. Ismelda had been over once before, but that was as a friend and she didn't have the chance to introduce her to her family. Now things were completely different. Marie would have to introduce them to each other. Unfortunately, her family was being their normal selfs at the moment.

"Guys, are you sure we need a cake?" Marie asked as she watched her parents put together a silver and black three layer cassata cake. "Oh qizi, we're just so excited for you! We didn't think you would have a partner until your mid twenties." her mother Regina said with a small dab of frosting on her cheek. "Marigold, you need to stop being so cute." her father Robert said before kissing the frosting away. "Robbie!" Regina put down the bag of frosting she had been using. She grabbed him and gave him a dip kiss.

"Yeah... Uh... Could you guys... Not be so... Touchy feely while Ismelda is here?" Marie asked as her parents seemed to be posing for a cheesy romance paperback. "What do you mean?" Regina asked while holding Robert's butt. "Ismelda is coming over as my girlfriend for the first time. You guys are used to doing this lovey dovey stuff but we've barely held hands. You're gonna freak her out!" Marie tried to calmly explain. She knew for a fact her and Ismelda had kissed three times, but telling her parents would just get them to want talk about it like school girls.

"I agree. You inherited your swooning powers from me. It's only natural that you would scare the poor girl." Said a handsome blond twenty-something that was reading The Daily Prophet with a cup of tea. Marie set her sight on him next. "And uh... grandpa Ford? I'm not going to ask you to take off the youth illusion, but could you at least not dress like a gigolo?" She asked. "It's not my fault the Italians make a great suit. It's also not my fault I make them look better." He said. Marie scratched at her own hair. "She's going to think we're insane." Marie quietly said. Then she noticed two missing elements.

"Where are Jimmy and Conan? Are they looking for frogs?" She asked. "Probably." Robert said. Marie scratched her hair more. "Why? We are having a guest over and you let them go play in the mud?" She asked. Regina had stopped kneading Robert's dough and walked over to Marie. She put her arms around her in a big hug. "Marie, everything is going to be alright. Flipping out is just going to make you stressed." Marie didn't like to be touched by anyone she wasn't close with. A tight hug from her mom was something that made her feel all warm inside.

Then her dad came over and picked them both up in a bear hug. Not that hard to do since Marie was chronically underweight and her mother was small. He was clearly sniffling. "My baby girl, going out into the world and finding a girlfriend of her own." He said with tears of joy in his eyes. Marie knew what was coming next. She was unable to protect herself from the coming attack. Robert gave Marie a bunch of stubbly kisses on her cheek. "Dad!" She loudly said as she felt her skin becoming irritated. "Could you at least shave before Ismelda gets here?" "I think he looks ruggedly handsome." Regina said.

"Do you need help?" Marie's blood went cold. She looked over to the doorway to see her girlfriend Ismelda. It was easy for Marie's pale skin to show blush. This time she could have been been mistaken for a ripe tomato. She was so embarrassed she didn't notice that her feet were back on the floor. Her legs felt like they had the bones removed. She tried to regain her composer and ignore the urge to chew on her hand.

"I-Is. I-I didn't k-k-know you were h-h-here yet." Marie said, cursing her nervous stutter. "Yeah. They let me in." Ismelda said pointing out the window. Marie was horrified to see her half naked brothers, coated in mud, heading to the outside showers. Marie just about fainted. Why did her brothers have to have such an interest in reptiles? Why did it have to rain last night? Why did her family have to be weirdos?

"Marie!" Marie snapped back to reality. Ismelda was slowly pulling Marie's hand from her mouth. "Are you okay? Do you need anything?" Ismelda asked. "Y-yeah. I'm fine. My family's j-just a bit m-m-much." Marie said. She felt a tap on her shoulder. She turned to see her parents looking worried. "Are you okay? Are you overwhelmed? Do you need to sit down?" Regina asked. Her father was holding a chair. Grandpa Ford was holding a glass of water.

Marie scratched her hair. Even if they were goofy, they cared. "I think she just needs to go to her room. I'll take her." Ismelda said as she lightly pulled Marie to the door. "Yeah. I think some privacy would be good." Marie said as she walked out the door with Ismelda.

They got to Marie's room. Ismelda closed the curtains as Marie flopped face first on her bed. She put a pillow over her head. Marie felt Ismelda rubbing her back. For some reason, Ismelda was one of the few people who's touch made Marie feel relaxed. Ismelda always managed to find just the right spot on her lower back. "You doin okay?" Ismelda asked. "Yeah..." Marie said through the pillow.

Marie turned her head for clearer speech. "I'm sorry for that..." "For what?" "My family. They're just like that." "At least your family cares about you. I don't think I've been hugged in years. At least not when my parents didn't need to look like they cared to other people." Marie remembered when she had gone to Ismelda's house. Her parents hadn't even looked up from what they had been doing when Ismelda introduced them. She had said without hesitation that Maire was her girlfriend. All that was said by her father was, "tell us when your done playing queer."

Marie couldn't believe what he had said, but Ismelda explained that they didn't believe she was bisexual. Her sister had been the one to find out first (read her dairy,) and told their parents. They demanded answers. When confronted about her newfound female attraction, she explained she liked men and women. Her parents assumed she was doing it for attention. Her sister however had started to make fun of her for being a lesbian. For some reason they couldn't understand she liked both. Now she keeps a hidden dairy and a decoy she 'hid.' Her real diary was in the form of puzzle box that turned into a book when solved. She was tired of people reading it.

When Marie told Ismelda both her parents were bi themselves she became very interested in meeting them. Must be nice to know older people with the same identity. Where was Marie going to find a middle aged lesbian? The only gay women she knew were her cousin Sabine and her friends. She couldn't consider them her elders in the non-heteronormative community.

Marie rolled on to her back, Ismelda's hand now resting on her lower abdomen. "I think I've calmed down enough." She said. "Good. Though, your cute when you panic. Not that you are panicking. I didn't mean it like that. But the little things you do." Ismelda said as she played with hem of Marie's shirt. Her face turned a bit pinker. "Like when your face gets all red and your ears do too." Marie thought about the same thing happening to Ismelda. Yeah. It was cute. Ismelda started to use her free hand to play with her hair. Also cute. Ismelda started to move in for a kiss.

The door opened, she froze. "Qizi, the cakes done." Regina said as she poked her head in. "Oh." She said, seeing her flushed daughter on the bed and her also flushed girlfriend who was holding the bottom of her shirt while leaning over her. Regina shut the door faster than she had opened it. "Well... When your done we can cut the cake. Internal condoms and dental dams are under the bathroom counter. Use the water based lube. Should be right next to them." She said on the other side of the door before audibly walking away.

At that point all Marie wanted to do was disappear. Her mother thought they were going to need contraceptives?! She appreciated the offer, but Marie did not need them! She put a pillow over her face and screamed. She heard laughing. "Did she think we're 'getting busy?' Oh my god! And you guys keep that stuff in stock?!" Ismelda said as she laughed so hard she was snorting. "Your family is insane, I love it!" Marie removed the pillow. She couldn't help but laugh as well. "Yeah, I love them too." She reached up and finish the kiss Ismelda had started.

"So what kind of cake?" Ismelda asked. "Cassata." "Any reason for that type?" Ismelda asked as she cupped Marie's face. "I might have said it's your favorite. It's their first time making it, so don't get upset if it's not up to your standard." Marie said. "Maybe I'll try the speciality next time. What would that be?" "That would be either kurabye cookies or shekerbura. My dad learned Azerbaijani cooking to impress my grandparents." "No idea what those are." "Kurabye are jam-" Marie was cut off by Ismelda saying, "Actually, I want it to be a surprise. In fact, I want a full course meal with only the finest cooking. Completely a surprise as well." "No problem, but we should probably get downstairs. Before my parents think we really are 'getting busy." "Can't wait to be formally introduced."

Bonus:

"We weren't doing anything." Marie said as she finished her last bite of cake. "I wasn't doing anything either, that's how you got here." Regina said before sipping her tea. "But we're both cis women. How would we conceive?" Marie said, setting down her fork. "Safe sex should be done regardless of what parts you and your partner have." Regina said. Marie groaned as she started to scratch at her hair.

[alo-piss-trancy]

Ok hi, I didn't wanna say anything, but please don't write knifeplay/bloodplay for Yuri. I def don't wanna spoil anything, but it's learned on a certain route that Yuri has a s*lf h*rm problem (I'll leave it at that).

You honestly seem like you're not trying to be a jerk with this ask, so I'm going to do my best to answer this as politely as possible without compromising my personal beliefs on the matter. This is going to be long and a little serious, but please note I'm not attacking you or trying to start a debate. I'm just laying all my thoughts on this down at once so I make myself clear, because a short answer would leave a lot of nuance out.

I understand what you're trying to do here. For the record though, I also considered that a pretty massive spoiler and I did not appreciate that at all. Even if you all think you're 'helping', don't do that again. Y/uri was pretty much the only character I'd managed to avoid most spoilers on and you killed the surprise for me. This game is already so full of fluffy 'filler' in the beginning that I don't have a ton of big plot points to look forward to in each route.

Now, I realise this is a very delicate topic and incredibly triggering to some people, especially with those two things combined. I am 100% willing to tag it with just about any variation needed to ensure you or others affected can blacklist/block it and never have to see a word of it in the future. I'd also be happy to go back and tag that original text post I made if needed. I mean that. You all are welcome to ask me to tag things anytime, and so long as you're polite about it I'm perfectly willing to oblige to the best of my ability in future posts! If I occasionally forget, just toss me a light reminder and I'll jump into editing and add it in.

That said, I want to make it clear that I am very firmly against censorship. I'm willing to take all necessary precautions to ensure people can curate their experiences on this blog and AO3, but at the end of the day I can still post whatever fictional stuff I choose to. As can anyone else. Same goes for more formally published media.

Now, it's entirely possible I would have gotten to that part of the game and decided 'oh dang, I'm not so enthused about that fic idea anymore...'. My whims and ideas change frequently, and what you mentioned is a heavy topic with a lot to unpack and process. It's also entirely possible that future plot would only provide more fuel.

Fyi, when I originally mentioned the knifeplay I was actually thinking a lot more along the lines of her doing it to the protagonist, not the reverse. But for the record, if I did choose to write it with focus on Y/uri, I would still be well within my rights to.

This next part of my answer is going to address some heavy topics, this is your warning!!!

Sometimes people's kinks are a way to take a thing that is personally scary or upsetting to them and find a way to reverse it. To find pleasure or power or get used to the idea of the awful thing in a safe, controlled fashion. I'm not going to go into the full details on this because there's plenty of explanation and research elsewhere already written up, as well as an excellent book on the subject, and I'm not turning this blog into a discourse debate. But I needed to mention it for my point.

There are plenty of stories that could be explored with Y/uri in this context. Did she have this kink before the self harm events started and it was completely unrelated, or did she develop it afterwards? How did she discover it beforehand? If developed afterwards, did it start out as another way of harming mixed with pleasure in a self-destructive way, often done sloppily and without proper technique? Or was it strictly used as almost exposure therapy to deal with those urges and thoughts in a safer, more contained scenario, maybe even allowing the partner she trusted to wield the knife to prove their bond/reinforce that she can be loved without being hurt deeply, that she is worthy of affection and trust and loyalty. Maybe this finally helps give Y/uri a tool to embrace her 'weirdness' without harming herself and others. Or, what if she thinks it can be a useful tool and is sure she's ready, but partway through the scene she gets triggered or has flashbacks... how does she deal with it? How does her partner? Can it be overcome with effort, research, and taking things slowly, or does she realize this kink is actually completely off the table for her?

What if she has this kink and is excited to try it, but her partner isn't? How does she take that rejection? Or do her poor social skills mean she skipped negotiation to begin with and attempted it in the middle of a vanilla session? Would her partner freak out or even get mad, or try to swallow their fear and let her do it so they don't hurt/offend her, even at the cost of their own comfort?

This topic also opens a ton of potential plots for darkfic, but I'll refrain from discussing that out of respect for you and others.

So as you can see, there's much more to explore than 'Knife=Hot'. I believe those discussions and ideas are necessary and provide important fuel for thought when explored fictionally, especially since mainstream media doesn't cover a lot of them.

~~~

I feel I should take a second to clarify knifeplay for those who may be unaware. It doesn't always equate to actual cutting/drawing blood. That can be an aspect, but usually only by those far more experienced and, you know, actually into that. A lot of participants don't actually go that far. Mostly, it's either about the physical sensation of the knife touching you at all, or the adrenaline/controlled fear and intimate trust of a partner bringing an object like that so close/teasing you with it.

In fact, it's frequently advised in those circles (especially to newcomers) to use a dull butterknife instead, because it simulates the same feelings of metal on skin/can dig in a little without any real risk of cutting/drawing blood. Even if one chooses to use a different knife, it's still pretty common to dull the blade, or some people even substitute with a closed pair of scissors (combined with the partner blindfolded, you can't really tell it apart from the real thing).

These versions of knifeplay are well controlled and ultimately pretty harmless, so long as both parties know what they're doing and stay alert. And more experienced players with sharper knives are even more cautious/have studied extensively to know where/how deep to go without risking scarring/serious injury.

Remember the golden rules of kink: Safe. Sane. Consensual.

With those in place, it is not nearly the same as self harm. Just as controlled, consensual, well-negotiated BDSM with safewords, respected boundaries and a trusted partner is never in the same league as abuse.

~~~

Now that that's out of the way, back to my point:

There's no perfect representation or narrative for everyone, in any group (be that gender/sexuality/triggered by certain things, etc). Every human being is different, everyone interprets media differently, and everyone takes away different elements from stories.

What one person in a particular group may find cathartic, relateable, or painful but necessary food for thought, another may find completely repulsive, personally hurtful, offensive, something they can't stand to hear. And guess what? Both of those can be true at the same time. One side is not immediately right over the other.

There are queer characters or interpretations of them in fics that I vehemently despise, might even find hurtful or sickening and think 'how can anyone create this, it's insufferable! People in 'my group' aren't like that, it's a horrible representation. I can't relate to it at all!' But you know what? Other people can and do, may find comfort in those exact narratives and experiences, may heal their pain instead of inflicting more. And that's great. It's what they needed or wanted and if I don't like it, I click away and do my best to avoid it.

There are specific tropes and narrative themes I personally cannot get through without being triggered into anxiety attacks or dragged back to bad times and places in my life. Sometimes I see them tackled in ways that are hurtful or seem insensitive to me. But I recognise that for someone else, it's exactly what they needed to see to get through that or come to terms with it, or see a way they wish that thing could play out. I would never dream of telling those people they aren't allowed to enjoy it, OR telling the creator of that piece of media or a tv show 'Hey ummm please don't use this plot because it turns me into a human wreck for a week'. Because it's not remotely my place to do so. They can create whatever they want, they have no responsibility towards me or my well being. A few might be kind enough to include a warning at the beginning of that episode or in the description, but they are in no way required to. It's up to me to curate my experience and try to keep my guard up/research what might have those tropes, and in the rare occasions I get blindsided, yeah, it hurts like hell. I struggle, I might even backslide a bit. But I just have to try my best to deal with it and make a note to be more careful next time. Because you can't control the world around you, not even the online world, and you have absolutely no right to. The only right you have is to protect yourself without infringing on other people's boundaries/rights.

And there's also another important point. There doesn't have to be a big important point or explanation for why a creator creates something, or why consumers can enjoy that creation! If someone wants to create a plotline with all of my triggers used in the most 'insensitive', 'wrong', pointless ways possible, strictly for Entertainment or pure kink material instead of some deep dissection of the issues involved? They can go hog wild!!! They are 100% allowed to do so on this earth, and I can't (and wouldn't want to) do a thing to stop them.

One person can read a kink fic and it hits a very emotional theme for them/they think it explores a deep topic well. Another person can read that same fic and get nothing out of it except their rocks off. Both of those readers are completely equal and 'allowed' to enjoy that fic. Both reasons are completely valid reasons for why the creator was 'allowed' to post/create that fic in the first place. Nobody needs permission, nobody has to answer to anybody except themselves. Period. This extends to any topic, any type of fic.

Yes, even for things I find absolutely abhorrent and insensitive and don't understand/want to read ever. I may resent everything about its existence, but I will defend to death the creator's right to make it exist in the first place.

It only affects me if I let it affect me. If someone's making content I despise or am upset by and can't handle, I can choose to ignore or avoid them, blacklist those tags, I can block them and move on with my day. I can do anything within my own bubble, but the second I consider going into their bubble and saying they can't make that thing, I am in the wrong. Because I'm not respecting their space and rights.

If someone makes cookies with ingredients I'm highly allergic to, pastes the ingredient warnings all over the box where I read them, and I still eat one, would anyone cheer me on for blaming them when I have a reaction? Would anyone think it was remotely okay of me to start calling up every bakery in town and saying they weren't allowed to bake those cookies EVER, because some people somewhere might be allergic?

No. They'd tell me I was crossing the line, because I'm infringing on other people's boundaries and lives. I'm expecting everybody else to take responsibility for something that, while horrible and painful, was my fault for touching.

Now, if someone sets out unlabelled cookies not realizing I'm allergic to something in them, and I eat it and have a reaction, that sucks. It's an awful experience. But is it the baker's fault? As long as they didn't do it maliciously, not really. They can be advised politely to label it in the future, and I can do my best to remember to ask/be more cautious next time I come across something I'm unsure of, but they're still allowed to bake those cookies for themselves and others.

Now, if I deliberately baked cookies with an ingredient that people are very frequently allergic to (ex. peanuts) and set it out in a crowded buffet without a warning label, that's a jerk move. That's intentionally trying to cause harm to others. But simply baking that flavour of cookies still isn't a crime or harmful by itself.

~~~

I'll be honest, I'm running out of steam and I think I've said most of what I have to say, so I'll wrap it up. I want to reiterate that I'm not ripping into you with this long answer, anon! I understand why you sent me what you did and I'm trying not to come off as harsh. I'm happy to go back and tag things and will tag anything else similar in the future!!! But at the end of the day, regardless of whether I personally end up writing that fic or not, or even want to after I get to that plot, I don't agree with telling anyone they can't/shouldn't write it at all. I wanted to try and explain my viewpoint thoroughly, and I hope you can respect that, just as I'll respect and try to accommodate you and other followers. This is the only time I'll really get up on a soapbox like this, and I have no interest in debating these things on my blog further, but it is a topic I've been passionate about all my life so I'm afraid I'm not budging on it.

[momentsinsong]

Moments In Song No. 027 - Hunter Hooligan

Music speaks to all of us, regardless of where we come from or what we’ve been through. Whether it be from 50 years ago, or today, music has the ability to liberate us from the mundanity of the world. Hunter has spent half their life learning about the special role music plays in our lives and used that understanding to propel their artistry forward. We talk to them about their deep dive into the history of music, the unconditional support of their Grandmother, and the importance of Pop.

Listen to Hunter’s playlist on Apple Music and Spotify. 

Words and photos by Julian.

________________________________________________________________

Julian: When I was listening to your playlist, I noticed that there were two very distinct halves to it. That first half is much more upbeat, dancy, techno almost, there’s some disco in there. Very much a four on the floor type of feel. And then that second half is very much more slowed down, and has that singer-songwriter/acoustic type of feel to it. Is that what you were going for when making your playlist?

Hunter: I love making playlists. I am that person who would make friends mix CDs and stuff like that. Every one would be so carefully curated. That’s why I was having such a hard time [Laughs]. Thinking about narrowing down my music taste into 10 songs, I was like, “Wow! This is big.” You know what I mean? I think there was a conscious effort to order songs a certain way. Even when I’m making my projects I am very conscious about the song placement, the tracklisting, I’m very very thoughtful and purposefully about it. I sent you one version of the playlist but I made like six versions that were totally different. It’s just because music is my life. I was trying to think of songs that were really important to me, songs that I loved my whole life, songs that are pretty new to me. I was just trying to find a balance of the songs that I like and also trying to make it make some semblance of sense. 

When you were making the different versions of your playlist, how do you know once you’ve made the final one? What was the deciding factor?

Even up until the night I sent it to you, there were like 15 songs on the playlist. I was like, “I can not believe I have to cut 5 of these songs!” I think every one of those songs is a doorway into my taste. Every single one of those songs is a good signifier of so many other songs that are similar to it that I like. 

So you’re saying like, this one acoustic Amy Whinehouse song is the entryway to a bunch of other singer-songwriter stuff you like. Or this Charli XCX is an entry way to more feel good poppy stuff you like. 

Yes, exactly. And so I think I kind of looked at it like a hallway with 10 doors and each door was to a room of infinite other amounts of music I love. I wanted to pick songs that were important to me, and songs that were special to me. Even the Charli XCX song which isn’t that old, and the FKA twigs song which also came out last year, they’re representative of so much more music I like, and what I like about music right now. 

Which is what?

What I really like about “Gone” is that it is so carefully crafted as a Pop song, as far as the production goes. And lyrically it has the structure of a Pop song, there’s verses, there’s a chorus. I love that it is a collaboration. I think collaboration is everything. What I love about that song in particular is that it’s so expected, production wise, as a Pop song but the lyrics are so bizarre. The chorus-- there’s something very impenetrable about the lyrics of the chorus. There’s something really so dissociative about the lyrics, but it’s still so catchy and so emotional. You feel it. Even though I have no idea what the song is talking about. I think there’s clues as to what they’re singing about, but I think it’s something you feel more. They almost sound to me like an A.I. wrote them. Like if you fed an A.I. a bunch of Pop songs and then it spit out a chorus to its own Pop song, that’s what it would sound like.

I always feel like Charli XCX has always straddled the line between, “I can sing the catchiest, poppiest hook you’ve ever heard” but on the flipside “I can take you down to some artsy, weirdo, off the wall type stuff.

And that’s what I love. I really love artists that straddle that line, for today. I love people who are versatile, who are brave, who are shapeshifters. People who are not afraid to be incredibly straight-forward and simple, but also thoughtful and crafted. I think it’s really cool.

I definitely agree with you on that. We’re definitely seeing a resurgence of female pop artists who fall into that lane. If you think about Lorde, or Billie Ellish, or Tinashe, they straddle that line. That’s what you like about the new songs, what about the old songs on your playlist? What are some of the songs on there that you’ve loved forever?

“I Feel Love” by Donna Summer, to me, is one of the best songs ever written. It’s one of the best dance records ever made. It’s brilliant. The production is incredible. The vocal is incredible. It all just hits you so right. To think that this song was produced in the 70’s is mind blowing. I listened to that song and I’m like, “This sounds futuristic now.” 

For me that song is a doorway into the music that surrounded me as a child. My parents had a really versatile taste in music and played a lot of stuff. My mom and I would do weekend Spring cleanings and she would load up the 6 CD stereo system and we would crank everything from Aretha Franklin, to Elton John, Aerosmith, Tupac, she loved everything. I think I inherited this excitement for music from her. 

She also loved 90’s dance music that was on the radio when I was little. She would go to club nights at The Depot and get mixes from DJs and play them in the car. Also when I was really young, my family is all in N.A., and at the time they would put on these dances as a way for people in recovery to go to a safe space that wasn’t a bar or rave where they might find alcohol or drugs and relapse, and enjoy the music. My family would take me, and I was like 7 or 8, and the music there was just… that the first time I heard “I Feel Love.” So much 90’s dance music that I love now was played at those dances.

How does you starting out at 7 and 8 going to these dance parties evolve into the taste of music you have now?

I started working in studios when I was 13, and that’s when I really decided that I was going to make music. 

When you say working, you mean in the actual studio?

Yeah early on I would bring in my songs, you know little things I would record. I would write with other people, I would ask to come and sit in on a session.

So this was a job you got or did you know someone in the studio?  

So I started taking voice lessons and through my voice teacher got connected to different producers and engineers. And in my mom’s previous life, she was married to the original owner of Hammerjacks, which is a legendary Baltimore nightclub, so she knew people from then who were musicians and who had their own studios and spaces like that. I kind of just really made it a point to be in those places. Around that time I also felt like I wanted to have an education in what American music had always been, and so I started really early on listening to the first records ever made, which were anthropological in nature. From there I became really in love with Blues. 

I wasn’t able to fit her on the playlist but she was there up until the very end, Bessie Smith. I mean this is someone who we’re talking about who was making music almost 100 years ago. I listened to her records and would sing them all the time. I feel like I learned so much about singing from her. She was so ahead of her time. From her ideas about her stage shows, to being a black queer woman, singing Blues in the segregated south, she was brilliant. She’s a forever artist to me. 

I had this idea of giving myself an education of what Pop music in America had been over time. Because Pop music is just whatever is popular. Through that I listened to Bessie Smith, Ma Rainey, Dinah Washington, Billie Holiday, and then from there Eartha Kitt and Aretha Franklin, Etta James, Janis Joplin, Tina Turner, and I just kept following the times. Through that I heard so much music I had never heard before. I felt like music had this endless possibility of being anything.  

And this was all on your own? You just decided to do this one day?

[Laughs] Yeah this is just what I did. I didn’t have a lot of friends. You know it’s the whole “queer youth” storyline. Outcast, freak, bullied, blah blah blah. I would spend a lot of time by myself and music was my friend. I wanted to know everything about it.

So you’re building your background knowledge with this research, gaining access to this studio, then decide to make your own music. What was that process like?

When I was really little, I would take songs off the radio and write new lyrics to them. So it would be the same melodies and all of that, but I would just write my own song. When my parents divorced, there was a lot of change and chaos in my family and just in my life, and that’s when I started writing my own original songs. That was when I was 13. Then I would take the original songs that I wrote to my voice teacher and she would help me put chords to them and create these songs. A lot of times it would be me singing this melody to her, and she would fiddle around with the piano a little bit and then we would come up with a chord progression we liked and record them on a cassette tape. Once I had a couple of songs there that I really, really liked, she suggested that I record them in a studio. She worked things out with my family and for my birthday they bought me studio time.

That’s like the best gift ever!

I know! It was this amazing, brilliant thing. It was my grandmother. My grandmother always supported my music and me singing. I had a job really young, around 13, working at a snack bar. But it wasn’t enough for studio time. And honestly she paid for most of the studio time when I was young. She was a domestic worker. She would scrub people’s toilets and then turn around and give me $150 for a day in the studio. And that was never a question. 

What do you mean it was never a question?

She was never, ever like, “I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t know if this is worth it.” Never. The sacrifice she made for that was never lost on me. I knew, even then, what that meant. To have someone who is working so hard, literally barely making enough to survive, support you. I don’t think I realized, that young, how poor my family was. I did know we weren’t wealthy by any means, so the fact that she would do that is amazing. I’m never not going to make this worth it, for her. If I were doing it for me, I would’ve walked away a long time ago. This industry is terrible. It’s full of people who will steal, people who will cut you out and leave you in the dust.  I’ve lost a lot of skin in this game. The reason I do this is for my grandmother, my family, my ancestors. 

My family is Native and has really been through it, for a long time. We have nothing to show for it. Every person in my family has experienced intense trauma, and I have as well. If this was all about “Look at me! I’m so talented,” if this is what it was about for me-- hell no. I would be a happy real estate agent at this point. It’s about making all of this sacrifice and trauma my family has been through mean something, and putting it into art. Maybe one day I’ll be on a Grammy stage, and maybe one day I’ll be dead in a ditch. I don’t know. But I do know that my life is for my community. People like me. People who can relate. At the end of the day that’s what’s important to me. 

Do you take the history of your family and the sacrifices they’ve made, the vulnerabilities and emotions shared from the music you enjoy, and good old fashioned pop sensibility and incorporate all of those into the music you’re making now?

Definitely. For me, Pop music is about a feeling. There’s no pretext. You don’t have to know the story, you don’t have to know the language, you don’t have to know anything about it before you hear it. But when you hear that Pop song, you feel it. And that is universal. That’s why we see this huge rise in K-Pop. There’s not a parallel rise in people being able to speak Korean. People don’t always know what K-Pop stars are singing about but they feel it. Pop music is a feeling, a communication that transcends language barriers, time barriers, space barriers. That’s why Pop is what I’m aiming for. I want to connect. I want people to feel like there’s space for them in the music. 

The music that I’m making now is coming from a place that is newer for me to create from. It’s authentic to what I’m feeling now and where I feel like so many people are at in the world. There’s a lot of pain. There’s a lot of exhaustion, anxiety, depression. I want to make music that makes people feel like they’re powerful. Like my new song “Metal Me.”  To me that song is about personal power. Those sounds, that production, it feels powerful. I want people to feel like they can conquer their demons and fight everything against them. If I can make somebody feel powerful with a song, that’s it. 

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[scatterpatter]

Some expanded thoughts on FF7R under the cut [SPOILERS]

So! Overall I freaking LOVED the remake and I can’t wait to see the rest! Midgar feels so alive and expanded, you really feel attached to everyone, it’s... muah! Honestly a lot of the points I’m gonna make are more nitpicks than anything. I won’t make any commentary on the gameplay because I watched a let’s play instead of playing by myself(im broke and cant afford a PS4 and $60 game >_>)

So the designs are GORGEOUS... no, the entire GAME is gorgeous. Midgar looks so good and detailed, there’s so much great implementation of color theory! Cloud is sooooo good looking!!! Barret and Aerith and Sephiroth are all GORGEOUS! Reno Rude Tseng and Rufus.. AAAA!!! The only slight complain I have is that- okay so Tifa looks AWESOME, but I honestly wish she wasn’t so skinny. Like she’s a melee fighter, but her waist and arms are so thin! I wish they gave her a bit more tone and muscle, but, oh well. I honestly can’t stop staring at the character models they look SO good

Plot-wise, I really like most of the changes/additions they made! Especially with Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie. They’re wonderful and I love them and did I mention that I love them because they’re just so dorky!!! And good!!!

Honestly, I like that Aerith is actually written to be likeable. I know that doesn’t seem like much but a lot of games fall into the trap of telling you that you’re supposed to like the female protag(looking at you, Breath of the Wild) or tell you that she’s a strong character, but they fail to show that, so the player feels like they’re just being told to get attached. Aerith, though, is actually really likeable in this game!!! She’s cute and down-to-earth, really dorky and even snarky, easily seeing past Cloud’s tough-guy act, and she can fight! It’s just so nice to see a game that shows a strong female protag instead of just telling you.

Legit everyone is horny for Cloud and I’m so here for it

Okay so like. I love Roche. I didn’t at first but he quickly grew on me. He’s so awfully chaotic and I just- I love him. I’m mad that he was just kinda forgotten, though. Like! He could’ve shown up at the ending chase!!!

THEY REALLY WROTE HOJO TO BE AS CREEPY AS POSSIBLE HUH. Like I’m not complaining because like he’s basically the reason why everything happened, but! Ahhhh he makes me squirm he’s a creep with a gross science fetish and I wanna stab himmmmm

Okay so. President Shinra is a little bit TOO stereotypically evil? Like having a gold statue of himself and not even caring about sabotaging one of his own reactors when one little console gets destroyed??? Like it’s almost comical how evil he’s written to be. Though, I do like the scene where he calls Barret out on his ideals, that was neat!

Nowww, Heidegger Scarlet Palmer and Reeve? MUAH. Heidegger and Scarlet are written so sadistically but like in such a likeable way, especially Heidegger. God I hate them both but you just love to hate them!!! Palmer is HILARIOUS- I love how he’s written to be the spoiled kid whose parents forced the other kids to include him so he’s just there even though he doesn’t do anything. And Reeve? Well...

SO REEVE IS MY FAVORITE ATM SINCE WE DON’T HAVE VINCENT YET, AND REEVE IS JUST... <3 <3 <3 Okay so first off, his design is perfect. He doesn’t really stand out in the same way that Heidegger Scarlet and Palmer do. He just has a normal build, normal suit, normal hair slicked back- he just looks like a normal employee, totally inconspicuous... which is very fitting considering how he ends up being undercover and needs to look inconspicuous ;)

Though Reeve shows clear signs of overworking himself and being emotionally abused by his coworkers which... sucks. I mean it’s good writing but I feel so awful for him- Like you know it’s bad when someone just has to hold up a hand to get you to shut up and sit down. I like that he tries to do good things but steps down when he’s told to, that he’s empathetic but cowardly. It does a great job at setting up his character arc in future chapters <3

Okay so one thing- I thought the build-up for the plate dropping was amazing, but honestly... the plate itself falling was slightly underwhelming, to be completely honest. Like- I just didn’t feel the impact that a plate falling would have! Mainly because, you don’t see a single death which is interesting. Like you see people running from falling debris, but legit not a single death is implied. Honestly? I thought the scene would have been far more impactful if they showed:

Seventh Heaven actually being destroyed

The people topside reacting to the ground beneath them collapsing and them falling to their deaths(They only tried to evacuate Sector 7 slums! Not the topside!!!)

More people actually being implied to have been crushed(No, Im not counting Wedge). Like in the original FF7 there’s a scene where someone’s watching tv and you see the plate falling from outside the window- and there’s a reporter just doing his normal shit before he suddenly looks up and things go to static- like- thats an intense scene and I wish the remake did more stuff like that!

They do great showing people REACTING to the plate falling which is why its so appalling to me that they dont show much of the actual devastation DURING plate fall

I LOVE that Cait Sith shows up at the plate falling! It shows that Reeve actually tried to warn people(something he asked to do and was denied earlier), even if he was too late. The only problem I have is that new players who dont know who Cait Sith is will be horribly confused as to who and why he’s there???

Also, when the crew goes back to Sector 7, you don’t really... feel the impact right away. Keep in mind, an entire section of city just fell onto another section of city WITH the supports holding it up, there should have been way more rubble. Yet, the area where Seventh Heaven is just... looks like it was hit with a major earthquake. There should be way more rubble, like mountains of it. It’s weird since the opening cinematic really captures the scope of how huge Midgar is, but the plate falling just doesn’t really show the scope of how much devastation there was to losing an entire plate.

The scope of it is done a bit better when climbing up Sector 7, but I still feel like the weight and scope of destruction isn’t lived up to its full potential.

Okay so- Wedge and Biggs. ... Yeah, it takes away from the impact of their deaths to have them not die. I mean, I can’t make a total opinion on this just yet, because the other parts haven’t come out yet, but... if FF7R is gonna keep them alive, they better have a good reason for it tbh.

They might have done a little bit too much foreshadowing with Cloud and Aerith? Like I like Cloud having memory issues, it’s kept pretty vague... but him going “Mother?” with Jenova is a little bit too spoiler-y. Like yeah you gotta tease his whole thing but like- don’t give it away this soon!!!

I also don’t mind Seph showing up as much as he does. Like, in the original, you don’t even hear about him until close to the end of the Midgar arc. Obvi since the remake ONLY covers the Midgar arc so far, I totally understand bringing him in sooner. Again, having the clones existing might be a little too spoilery for the big twists later on, but I can let it slide since it’s still treated as very “wtf” and I’m sure anyone new to the story hasn’t put it together yet.

Did I mention how much I love Seph he’s so creepy and his eyes are gorgeous and he’s so intimidating by just being there

And the Whispers... I honestly didn’t like them. I kept forgetting that they existed honestly. They just feel so... detached from the plot. I don’t mind adding new content/story, but the Whispers just... didn’t feel well-implemented. They also felt really campy towards the end. Like, the fact that they could un-stab Barret and shield Avalanche from car accidents while they were escaping? They were legit like “no you can’t die even if you tried because fate” and takes away any tension of the scene because... well, they know they cant die.

That being said, the ending was interesting. I uh. It was interesting! So they actually defeat fate itself in order to change... who knows what. The future, maybe even the past??? I’ve got many thoughts on this

If the future is changed, that can be exciting since people who know the original’s plot won’t know what’s gonna happen next so like- okay!

If the past was changed... y’all know I’m talking about Zack. Was fate changed so that he could live? Keep in mind, we see Whispers surrounding Midgar before they dissipate and Zack’s like “ohey did I get all of em?”, implying that fate would have forbade Zack from ever getting to Midgar. Having the team defeat fate means... Zack may have now reached Midgar. 

Is alternate reality/timeline stuff going to happen now???

Cloud’s character revolves around Zack dying. What’ll happen to Cloud now???

I feel so bad for people new to the plot who don’t know who Zack is.

Nomura... you madman.

So with the ending... Nomura and Squenix is setting something up. They’re going for something huge. I uh. I fear, honestly! Because this could very likely get WAY too ambitious and WAY too confusing(Think Dream Drop Distance’s bullshit plot), and could totally fall on its face and end up being Squenix’s biggest flop of all time. But... if this succeeds and they actually pull off whatever they’re trying to pull... holy shit. I would be floored.

I honestly am a bit afraid that the plot will be too confusing for new players. Like- no one would know whats going on with Zack unless they knew the original plot, so like while this would be a great game for FF7 fans, I’m really worried that it won’t be a good game for people new to the series.

Cloud in a dress is the greatest thing and I’m so happy they kept that scene I love him so much the entire scene is so queer <3

But overall, despite some nitpicks, it was a SUPER SOLID game and I’m soooo hype to see where they go with it! I wanna see Cait and Yuffie and Cid and Vincent!!!!!!!!!

[patricianandclerk]

Re: Aziraphale's fraught relationship w/ Heaven and the queer narrative, like... I can see where the other person is coming from, but if Aziraphale just said 'hey, I'm gay', they wouldn't be turning on him (though they might be concerned that this label is a sign that he sees himself as too human, that he can be attracted to what he's attracted to but does he have to make it sound human?)-- their issue is for lack of better word political, not personal. (1/2)

(2/2) But for Aziraphale, there's no difference, not in a 'my existence is political bc I'm queer' way, but because even though he IDs as gay separately from Crowley (his club etc), by this point every part of his life is tangled up in his feelings for Crowley. He's in the process of adopting new politics bc he loves Crowley, he loves the earth bc it's his-and-Crowley's, and he is, internally, a mess who is constantly reminded of Crowley. Their issue isn't his sexuality, but this one romance.

I’m going to say something, and for some people who specifically ID with Aziraphale’s dynamic with Heaven because of their own queer experience, I feel like it might be uncomfortable, but like...

The thing is, Aziraphale is never told by Heaven it wouldn’t be okay for him to be gay. He’s never told that he shouldn’t have human experiences.If Aziraphale walked into Heaven one day, and said, “You know what? I really identify with gay humans, and I like to eat because I enjoy the pleasure and the taste and the textures and the way it fits in with human cultures, and I like old books because I love their smells and how many stories and ideas they fit in with them, and I even like regency snuff boxes, because I think it’s beautiful that something so small and so delicate might have been crafted for such a thing.”

Now, I think everyone is assuming, especially based off of their own experiences with their families re: being queer, that Heaven would immediately go absolutely off the rails and freak out about it, kick Aziraphale out, shout at him, or keep him captive.

You know what my experience with my family was?

I was terrified to come out as trans, because I thought my family would be super weird about it, I thought they’d be nasty, I thought it’d just be really grim. No. They listened when I explained it. They asked a lot of stupid questions, but they weren’t judgey about it. And for several years, because I was so nervous that they were going to reject me (re: my extended family), I kept being super cagey and defensive about everything, even though they’d only ever been accepting.

I was justified in feeling some fear, because it can be very risky to come out as trans to a family who isn’t supportive, but my family was openly supportive, and yet for years after, I treated them as if they weren’t, because I’d built up these expectations in my head that they wouldn’t be.

I was the asshole in that situation. My family did everything right: the only thing they did wrong was not being omniscient and not being able to read my mind.

And that’s what I see when I watch Aziraphale’s interactions with Heaven.

I see an angel who’s terrified to let anything slip in case it all goes wrong, to the extent that he’s actually pretty nasty to people who literally only ever praise his work and say how great it is, and who are so, so excited to get him come home that - knowing how much he cares about his work on Earth, because they think he’s such a hardworker - they’re going to send a fucking archangel to do it in his place.

Gabriel never says it’s wrong to eat food. I didn’t take that from that interaction at all.

Gabriel: [hey, why do you eat that? to me, it looks gross] (which, by the way, is a perfectly common human reaction to sushi, let alone a fucking angel’s)

Aziraphale: it’s sushi. it’s nice. (no explanation. just a vague, it’s nice with a little bit of defensiveness.) you dip it in soy sauce. (gabriel has no idea what that means. the only soy sauce he knows is the soy sauce where his brains should be.)

Gabriel: [oh, sounds gross! as an angel, i find the whole concept of eating kinda squicky, but i’m going to couch it in religious language because we’re fucking angels and i have very few human experiences to talk from instead]

Gabriel meant hey, I think that’s gross, but whatever, it’s your thing. Aziraphale heard, I think you’re gross, and I’ll hate you if you tell me you like humans.

Even with the fucking comment about Aziraphale losing weight... That’s not Gabriel trying to hurt Aziraphale. That’s Gabriel, a moron, repeating fatphobic stuff he doesn’t understand from a culture he doesn’t understand, trying to connect with Aziraphale who DOES understand like it. Gabriel isn’t trying to bully Aziraphale. He’s trying, desperately, as he has for the part six thousand years, to establish a rapport. To be playful. To assure Aziraphale he likes him and cares about his interests. Does he do it wrong? Yes! Is it hurtful? Of course!

But Gabriel doesn’t know that, and has no way of knowing.

Who’s gonna fucking tell him, Sandalphon? Sandalphon can’t tell the difference between Mrs Beeton’s Cookbook and hardcore pornography any better than Gabriel can!

Gabriel doesn’t hate humans. Sandalphon doesn’t hate humans. Gabriel and Sandalphon go play dressup on weekends, and Gabriel goes fucking jogging at the end of the world.

Gabriel says to Aziraphale, look, I know how much you care about Earth, so I’ll give you some time to go finish up before you come home. Why? Because he knows Aziraphale cares. What could he possibly have to finish up, when the Apocalypse is coming? Nothing. It’s not about Earth or the work. It’s about Aziraphale’s feelings.

And I don’t think Gabriel is completely removed from those, either - he’s fucking jogging in the park, and that isn’t for Aziraphale’s business. He’s probably getting one last jog in before the park goes up in smoke, because he enjoys it.

Yes, the angels smite humans. Yes, they got involved in Sodom and Gomorrah, Noah’s Ark, all the other great big murders committed by Heaven against groups of humans. But like... Aziraphale watched that stuff happen too. He never said anything about it, except to Crowley. It doesn’t make it excusable that the angels did all that shit, but the thing about ignorance is that you don’t magically become aware of things you are ignorant to. You have to learn and/or be taught. And the thing is? If you don’t have the tools to go look for yourself, or even realize you can or should go look for yourself, you don’t.

I don’t think, if Aziraphale told the angels he liked humans and that they were important to him, that they’d be angry. I think some of them would be concerned, because they think it’s dangerous for him - they’re worried about him Falling. I don’t think they’d necessarily be surprised. I do think they’d be embarrassing.

But like...

This idea that they’d freak out is something that Aziraphale has made up in his own mind.

They don’t freak out at the end of it all because Aziraphale likes the Earth. In fact, given what happens, I think they probably assume a lot of the Earth stuff was lies, and that he was pretending to care about humans and the Earth in his conversations to hide the fact that he was a spy for the other side.

Aziraphale betrays Heaven. And he...

Never explains why. He rehearses trying to explain, and then he doesn’t. He rambles a bit and then the angels are like, well, this is weird and we don’t get it, so... bye. Hope you’re okay.

Heaven see Aziraphale being a double agent, then find out he wasn’t being a double agent for Hell, he was just being a double agent with one specific demon who tempted Eve in the first place. What the fuck? That’s why they’re angry. That’s why they feel betrayed.

Because they spent six thousand years awkwardly talking to Aziraphale, knowing he liked human stuff and trying to get him to talk about it but not knowing how or why, and then it turns out, from their perspective, that it was never about humans at all. It was about Hell. It was about a demon. Not just a Fallen angel, but a soldier from the other side in the war that slaughtered a whole bunch of them.

And yet, the funniest thing?

The funniest thing of all?

Michael has backchannels in Hell. She knows demons. She seems to have a pretty positive working relationship with them. Gabriel and Beelzebub are very familiar with one another, and to be honest, they act like an old married couple with shared jokes and everything.

I don’t know how much they actually... would have freaked out about Crowley specifically.

Because at the end of it, we don’t know if it’s really about Crowley at all, or the betrayal at all, so much as the fact that Aziraphale and Crowley, for all both sides knew, had planned it for six thousand years. Crowley, with Aziraphale as the accessory who got hold of the murder weapon for him, melted a fucking demon into oblivion. Before he’d actually gotten to do anything, either - it wasn’t self-defense, it was pre-emptive, and he’d been planning it for years. And Aziraphale helped him do it.

I don’t know.

I agree with you, Anon, it definitely is political, but I think the question is like... How much Heaven is actually political over personal, too, because we see only bits and pieces of it.

I just simply don’t agree that it’s as cut-and-dry as “Aziraphale did a bad, now we’ll kill him” because it was about far, far more than that.

[leigh-kelly]

And Don’t It Feel Good?

Some 80s AU.

Brittany is really excited about her and Santana’s anniversary. She knows that Santana has been planning this big dinner thing and she won’t take that away from her but she wants to do something for Santana too, she wants to show her how much she means to her and even if she’ll never have the kind of money that Santana does to spend on fancy gifts, Brittany has been putting a little money aside every week so she can buy something for the love of her life.

Because she doesn’t want to go shopping alone, Brittany calls Artie. He’s usually home during the day and he agrees to go look at gifts for Santana with her. Brittany is surprisingly nervous about it, knowing that she has to be really careful about what she buys Santana and she’s glad she has a second set of eyes to help her figure out what the best thing to get is.

“So you’re buying jewelry?” Artie asks, popping a wheelie in his wheelchair.

“Yeah, but nothing gaudy. She likes simple and classy stuff and it can’t be anything with hearts or something.”

“Is it hard being with someone in the closet?”

“Sometimes.” Brittany shrugs. “But she’s like, sort of out, you know? Just not to her family or at work, or like, in not gay spaces. It’s just different for people like her than it is for people like us. You’re a film maker, I’m a dancer, we’re pretty much supposed to be a bunch of queers.”

“I guess. So nothing that looks like it was bought by another woman?”

“Exactly. I was thinking maybe like, a chain that has my birthstone on it. Then everybody else can just think that she likes the color but she can know that she gets to keep me close to her heart.”

“You never struck me as a romantic.” Artie laughs. “And yet here you are.”

“She’s like, totally romantic and I want to try to do something awesome back. I couldn’t really afford to buy her anything nice until now, but since she refuses to let me pay a single bill, I was able to save a bunch of money to buy her a gift. So let’s do this.”

Brittany pushes Artie’s wheelchair into the jewelry store and she spends an hour looking over every single piece, even the ones way out of her price range. She finally goes back to her original idea and looks over the birthstones, picking out a ruby on a gold chain. Red totally suits Santana too, so it’s perfect and she has the cashier wrap it up for her. She’s a little nervous about whether or not Santana is going to like it, but Artie assures her that she will. Because Santana isn’t working late, Brittany declines Artie’s offer to come hang out with everyone and she goes home to hide the necklace in her drawer before Santana gets home.

Over the next few days, Brittany keeps checking the drawer to make sure that the necklace is still there, as if it was going to disappear, and each time she sees the wrapped box, she breathes a sigh of relief. On the morning of their anniversary, she’s the first one out of bed, wanting to bring Santana breakfast before she gets up for work. Because she’s a terrible cook, she turns on the coffee pot and runs around the corner to pick up Santana’s favorite omelet from the diner there. When she gets home, she slides it out of the styrofoam and onto a plate, then pours a cup of coffee for Santana before padding back into the bedroom.

“Brittany, what are you doing up?” Santana mumbles, rolling over in bed.

“I brought you breakfast.” She grins. “Don’t worry, I didn’t make it.”

“I’d still eat it if you made it.” Santana smiles, sitting up and leaning over to give Brittany a kiss. “You really didn’t have to do this.”

“If I would have had time I would have gone to the diner where I took you the first night we met...but then you would have been late for work and I don’t want to make you grumpy today.”

“Nothing can make me grumpy today. It’s been a year since you made my life so much better and I’m happy that we get to celebrate.”

“Duh, obviously me too.”

“I made reservations for tonight, I hope that’s okay.”

“Santana.” Brittany laughs, kissing her lips again. “I know you and I figured you would. I get out of work at five.”

“I know. I made the reservations for eight so you have time to come home and get ready.”

“You didn’t have to do any of this.”

“There are a lot of things I can’t give you, but I can give you this. Let me.”

“Okay. I will.”

After Santana eats her breakfast, Brittany goes back under the covers while she showers. She doesn’t have to be at work until eleven and considering she’s not the best morning person, she wants to go back to sleep. She does wake up again though when Santana kisses her goodbye and she promises that she’ll be ready by the time she gets home from work. Brittany sees that Santana is kind of giddy when she leaves and she thinks it’s the cutest thing.

When Brittany finally gets out of bed, she’s in a really good mood. She goes to work and she doesn’t even feel grumpy about teaching jazz aerobics to old people. She chats with Carl and Emma, she spends half of her lunch break in the studio practicing a dance she made up, she just feels good because it’s a really good day. By the time she leaves, she’s tired but she know she has an amazing night ahead of her so she gulps a hot coffee before she jumps on her bike and then she speeds home, wanting to be showered and ready before Santana walks in the door.

It turns out she has a lot of time and she relaxes in the shower, letting the hot water soothe her sore muscles from work. She gets out and she gels her hair before she pulls on a tight dress and takes a lot of time with her makeup. She’s just finishing up when Santana walks in the door and she grins when she sees her enter the bedroom. She looks really sexy in a pantsuit and Brittany sort of wishes they didn’t have dinner reservations so she could rip it off of her and throw her down on the bed. Sue her, her girlfriend is really sexy and she can’t control herself.

“What?” Santana asks, seeing the way Brittany looks at her.

“Do you know how hot you are? I mean, like, for reals, it’s taking everything in me to keep my hands off of you.”

“I’m just in work clothes...”

“Which you obviously look the hottest in. Are you wearing that to dinner? Because I might not be able to keep my hands off of you.”

“I’m changing.” Santana laughs. “I don’t want to feel like I’m at a work meeting.”

“Can we role play tonight that you’re the banker and I’m your client?”

“The last time we tried to role play I felt really weird...”

“Okay fine.” Brittany smiles and kisses Santana. “But I’m still going to rock your world when we get home.”

“I’m kind of counting on it.”

Santana changes and then they’re out on the curb hailing a cab to take them to the French restaurant where they had their late night date after Santana freaked out. Brittany is so glad that they’re in a good place and though she wishes she could hold Santana’s hand in the cab, she settles for the closeness to her and the idea that later on, she’ll have her all to herself where she can touch her everywhere and make her forget her own name. She loves when Santana’s mind goes blank and she loves that she can to that to her and when they get out of the cab outside the restaurant, Brittany feels a little flushed just thinking about later.

They’re led to the back of the restaurant where Santana requested a private table and Brittany smiles as she watches Santana tip the maitre’d. She thinks it’s really sexy that Santana is important and she loves watching her walk into a place with authority. They’re barely seated when a waiter brings them a bottle of champagne and then he steps back, giving them privacy with their glasses as their menus.

“I want to give a toast.” Santana murmurs, looking down into her glass. “To the best thing that’s ever happened to me, and to another fifty years with you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, Britt. I know I was weird at Mike and Artie’s wedding, but I never don’t want to be with you. I’ve found my person in you and I hope you’ll have me for that long.”

“I’m not going anywhere, babe. Seriously, I plan to grow old with you and travel the world with you when you finally get to retire.”

“You know it’ll be awhile, right?”

“Totally. But I’m going to be here for it. Imagine how much more relaxed you’ll be.”

“I’m sorry I’m so high strung all the time...”

“You don’t have to be sorry, that’s who I fell in love with. But I do want you to be able to not feel so anxious because it’s better for you.”

“I know.” Santana nods, then stops talking so they can both look at their menus. “Do you know what you want?”

“I think so, yeah. I’m just so excited thinking about giving you your present that I can hardly focus.”

“Brittany, you didn’t have—“

“I wanted to. You always buy me the best things and I might not have the kind of money that you do, but I saved to get you something special.”

The waiter comes back to the table and they order their food, Santana perfectly pronouncing the French even though she doesn’t speak it, and Brittany stumbling over the words but being clear enough so the waiter understands. When he leaves, Brittany takes the wrapped package out of her bag and Santana does the same from hers, sliding a long flat box across the table. Brittany grins at her and hands the gift she’s so excited about to Santana, who flushes.

“It’s a jewelry box.”

“I mean, yeah, but don’t do that thing you do where you try to guess gifts when the box is right in front of you.” Brittany laughs. “Open it.”

“Is that...” Santana unwraps the box and fingers the necklace inside. “My birthstone?”

“No, and it’s obscene that you don’t know that.” Brittany shakes her head. “It’s mine.”

“Brittany.”

“I knew getting you a heart or something would make Terry ask you questions at work, so I figured this could be a private little way of you having me with you.”

“I...” Santana tears up a little and takes the necklace out of the box, clasping it around her neck. “This is the nicest thing anyone has ever given to me.”

“You really like it?”

“I love it so much. I wish I could kiss you right now to show you.”

“I’ll settle for this.” Brittany gives Santana’s hand a quick squeeze under the table. “Now me!”

Quickly, Brittany unwraps the package and finds the now familiar red Cartier box beneath the paper. She shakes her head at Santana, thinking it’s absurd that she spends so much money on her, and then opens the box. Inside is a chain with two joined rings on it and Brittany loses her breath. Considering the conversation they’d had the night of Artie and Mike’s wedding, it’s a lot to handle and she looks at Santana for an explanation.

“It’s not in place of an engagement ring.” Santana shakes her head. “I just wanted to let you know that I thought a lot about it and it’s a promise. I don’t know when I’ll be comfortable with the idea of a marriage that isn’t equal to everyone else’s, but someday I will be and you’re the only person I’ll ever want that with.”

“Jeeze.” Tears stream down Brittany’s face. “Okay.”

After putting her necklace on, it takes everything in Brittany not to dive across the table and kiss Santana. But she controls herself and their dinner comes shortly after. They eat in almost silence, both of them clearly reflecting on the year they’ve had together, and the finish the bottle of champagne before Santana orders another. When dessert is done and they’re both a little drunk, Santana makes to stand up and Brittany follows suit. They make their way out to the curb and Santana hails a cab, sliding in first so Brittany doesn’t have to.

The whole way home, Brittany notices that Santana fingers her necklace and she realizes that it’s the first time anyone has ever bought her a piece of jewelry. A shock of hair falls across her face, illuminated in the streetlights and Brittany longs to tuck it behind her ear. It feels like forever until they get home and Brittany can hardly wait to touch Santana. As soon as the door is closed behind them, Brittany pulls Santana to her and just holds her in an embrace. There’s no rush to have sex, there can be a moment of just being and Brittany breathes in the scent of Santana’s shampoo as she holds her close. A year ago, everything was brand new and now here they are, their whole life spread out before them.

“Thank you for dinner.” Brittany murmurs.

“Thank you for you.” Santana whispers back. “Do you want wine or anything?”

“I’m totally a little drunk from the champagne. I mostly just want to take you to bed.”

Santana nods and Brittany releases her from the embrace. They go to the bedroom and Santana stands in front of the bed. They both know that Brittany is really into undressing her so she doesn’t make to take off her dress. Instead, she pulls back the comforter and waits until Brittany stands in front of her, slowly easing the zipper down her back and kissing her shoulder. Brittany is always so adventurous when it comes to sex, but she knows that Santana’s favorite is soft and intimate and she wants to give her that. She slides the dress down Santana’s body and she slides her hands up Santana’s back, playing with her bra clasp before actually unhooking it.

When she finally does expose Santana’s breasts, she kisses her on the lips first, the moves her mouth lower, peppering kisses down her neck, across her collar bone, over the tops of her breasts, before stopping to take a nipple into her mouth. Santana arches into Brittany as she does it and Brittany smiles against her skin, letting her hands begin to slide down Santana’s panty hose. Putting her hands back against the bed to hold herself up, Santana has the balance so that when Brittany removes her mouth from her nipple and goes to finish undressing her, she has the balance to lift one foot at a time off the ground.

Once Santana is undressed, Brittany lays her back on the bed and quickly gets her own clothes off before crawling over Santana. She loves how she looks splayed out on silk sheets and she kisses her deeply, drinking all of her in. Santana tucks Brittany’s hair behind her ears so that she can see her face and Brittany just beams down at her, reveling in her own happiness. They do nothing but kiss for a long time and Brittany winds her hair through Santana’s dark curls, trying to get as close to her as she possibly can.

“I got so lucky with you.” Santana whispers. “You’re one of a kind.”

“You deserve good things, babe, and we’re good together.”

With a smile, Brittany moves back down Santana’s body. She laves plenty of attention on her breasts because she knows that it’s a sensitive spot for Santana, but then she moves further down, kissing Santana’s still-red scar from end to end. Santana squirms a little while she does it and Brittany is aware that she’s self-conscious about it—it took her a while to show Brittany, after all—but she wants to show her how she loves every bit of her, even the parts that are imperfect. Once she’s done with the scar, she spreads Santana’s legs and settles beneath them, propping herself up on her elbows. She’s been with women before but there’s never been anything quite like going down on Santana. It’s the one time in Santana’s life where she gets to completely let loose and Brittany loves watching someone so careful and controlled let it all go.

“Britt.” Santana moans as Brittany wraps her lips around her clit.

“You’re amped.” Brittany lifts her head and grins. “You know it’s better if you let me take my time.”

Brittany works her mouth against Santana until she falls apart, feet scrabbling against the sheets, hands holding her head closer. She waits until Santana’s hands loosen in her hair before she positions herself so her sex rubs against Santana’s. They’ve only done this a few times, but while Santana was surprised about it the first time, she’s seemed to enjoy it subsequent times and Brittany loves getting off like this. Santana is hot and slippery when Brittany moves against her and the though that she’s like that only because of her makes Brittany more turned on than she can imagine.

After she feels Santana come again first, Brittany finally lets herself go. As spent as she is after she falls apart, she manages to untangle her limbs from Santana and gather her up in her arms. She loves post-sex Santana, how sleepy and cuddly and warm she is, how she rests her head on Brittany’s chest and plays with her fingers. She’s soft and relaxed and Brittany kisses the top of her head. A year ago, she couldn’t imagine that they would be here like this. She couldn’t imagine that Santana would let her in, would relax in her arms, would let herself feel safe. But she has, and it makes Brittany really happy.

“Did you really mean what you said at dinner?” Brittany asks, touching the side of Santana’s face.

“I did. After the last time we went out with Mike and Artie, I think I started to understand why they did it. Things are falling apart right now and they wanted to make that commitment to each other in spite of everything else.”

“That’s what I wanted you to see that day. I don’t need a proposal from you until you’re ready, but I just want you to understand why our love isn’t less than anyone else’s.”

“It’s just hard for me. Maybe you’re too young to remember it, but back in the early seventies, Life magazine had this whole thing about gays. My father tore it up when he caught me reading it and cancelled his subscription. Every association I had with my sexuality was a bad one until you came along. I spent years hiding in dark bars and having one night stands. The idea of...oral sex was something I couldn’t even imagine because it was way too much. Even if we were to get married, I’ll still have to hide at work and from my family. Sometimes I just think that none of this is fair to you.”

“I want you, no matter what.” Brittany promises. “All I care about is how you make me feel, and you make me feel better than I ever have in my life.”

“I’m glad, because that’s how you make me feel too.”

“What do you think it’ll be like for us in fifty years?”

“I don’t know, maybe we won’t be living in the city anymore. Maybe we buy a house on Fire Island or up in the Catskills when we retire and we walk in the woods or on the beach every day. We could sit out on our porch and have our coffee in the morning. I guess all that really matters to me is that you’re there with me in fifty years, we can figure out the rest of the details when we get there.”

“Having a house out of the city sounds good, but don’t you love it here?”

“I like it enough. I love this house.” Santana shrugs. “But we could probably keep it.”

“I like talking about the future with you. I guess before I met you, I never really thought about it, I was just living one day at a time.”

“My future feels so much better with you in it. Imagine just thinking you were going to grow old alone.”

“Babe, that makes me sad.”

“You don’t have to feel sad, it’s not that way anymore.”

Brittany has to just hold Santana tightly for a few minutes after that, not saying anything. She may not have thought about the future, but she always figured she’d be with someone. For Santana to think she would have been alone makes Brittany feel heartbroken and she plays with the chain around her neck, knowing that’s not the case anymore. Santana burrows into Brittany’s chest and she kisses the top of her head. Santana is on top everywhere in the real world, but the fact that she lets herself be vulnerable in the bedroom, lets Brittany hold her, makes Brittany feel so glad that she can be something for someone that’s given her so much.

“I wish tomorrow was Saturday.” Santana finally says. “I’d really like to sleep in.”

“By sleep in, do you mean eight o’clock?” Brittany laughs.

“Hey, it’s sleeping in for me.”

“Do you want to maybe take a ride upstate on my bike this weekend? I’m probably not going to have much longer to take it out this year and the leaves are changing so it could be totally cool.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’d like to just relax and not think about anything.”

“Is work okay?” Brittany asks.

“We don’t have to talk about work in bed.”

“If there’s something you want to talk about, I don’t care where we are.”

“It’s just been a lot of stress lately. Hudson won’t leave me alone and I think firing him will just make everyone act up worse. I don’t know what to do.”

“You’re the boss, they should respect you.”

“I’m a woman in a man’s world, a Hispanic woman at that. I’m never going to get the same respect as a man in my position.” Santana sighs.

“I think it’s kind of bullshit, you work harder than anyone.”

“Brittany, you know as well as I do that it isn’t always about how hard you work. There are workplace politics, I have to play the game and try not to ruffle any feathers. Honestly, I wouldn’t put it above Hudson to go to my higher ups if I fired him and who knows what he would say about me.”

“Are you scared about...you know?”

“I’m always scared about that. I know that standing up for Hummel put me out there but I couldn’t not do it. As far as they know, I’m single, I’m what they call a man-eater. There are tells there.”

“Babe.”

“I’m just saying he could blackmail me with his very little evidence and concealing something and lying are two very different things.”

“So you have to let him have control?”

“I have to do what it takes to keep me job. The life we live depends on it.”

“You know we could live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and I’d still love you, right? All of this is just...extra.”

“I know.” Santana nods, playing with Brittany’s hair. “But I worked really hard for all of this and I want to keep it.”

“I get that. I just want you to protect yourself too.”

“I think that’s what I’m doing, even if it feels like a shitty way of going about it.”

“I support you whatever you want to do, I just hate when you’re all stressed out.”

“I’m very relaxed right now.” She laughs a little. “You made sure of that.”

“And we’re going to have a majorly relaxing weekend.”

“Definitely. Let’s just get through tomorrow first.”

[nikfehu]

Season 7 Thoughts

Hey there y’all. Bought time I shared what I thought of the new season now that I’ve been able to think through everything. Remember, these are my opinions, so of course y’all don’t have to agree with me. And go ahead and send me whatever you feel like you gotta because of what I said, hate, agreement, whatever. Also, this will not be spoiler free. Let’s goooooooo (Also, apology ahead of time because this is going to be loooooong)

So I personally thought this season was actually really good. I liked the fact that it was split into two different sections - the space trip arc and the saving Earth arc - with a two episode connection between them. To me, it made it a lot easier to follow what was going on while the Voltron crew was making their way back to Earth.

There was a lot of action happening in just the trip back. Having the game show in there definitely broke up the trip, keeping us interested in what was going on. The part where they were left adrift in space got really real, letting us see what the Paladins thought about each other and about being Paladins.

I’ve seen a lot of posts about how Keith and Lance spoke, and the way I see it is that Lance had finally snapped about how Keith had left them for the Blade. It was said that Lance had a void from where Keith had left. Keith was frustrated with everything, and snapped too. I don’t think they were trying to be mean to each other. I think it’s that they got overwhelmed with everything and snapped.

The part where they were captured by Ezor and Zethrid was super interesting! I viewed it as our first canonically LGBTQ+ couple in the show, and it made me really happy to see it. I really loved how as soon as they decided they were going to torture Pidge, Lance shot up to protect her, even if he knew he probably wouldn’t be able to do much. The fact that his first instinct was to charge them makes me really happy.

Axca coming back against Ezor and Zethrid was really shocking. I hadn’t thought she would ever turn against them. I don’t remember if it ever explained why she did, but I really want to know. I know people are freaking out about Keith and Axca now being written as a couple. But honestly? I don’t see that happening. But I guess we’ll see in the next season.

The saving Earth arc was so action packed and so emotional for everyone. I’m glad that James got his chance to redeem himself from the Garrison for Keith (though we only saw him being a jerk at the very beginning of the season, so he may have fixed things with him before hand). The Garrison working with Voltron was literally the coolest thing ever.

Lance and Pidge reuniting with their families got me in the feels. I almost cried during those scenes. The Holt family reunion was so precious, cause Colleen finally got her family back. Lance’s family, oh my god, that was such an amazing reunion. Lance’s niece and nephew calling him Uncle Lance made me smile so much. I got really sad when Hunk couldn’t find his family, but I was proud of him for being so determined to find them that he was able to override his fear.

I was really happy to see Keith making up with Iverson, and then later coming to Hunk to talk to him about his family and offering to help him find them. Keith himself said he was bad at this stuff, but the fact that he was willing to help means that he’s making an attempt to open up (I’m assuming it was because of what had happened while they were stranded in space). I also think this was his way of trying to make up with Hunk about the things he had said earlier on in the season.

I’m really happy we got to see Lance acting like a brother with Veronica. We always knew how important his family was. But it wasn’t until he was willing to die to protect her that we realized just how far he was willing to go to keep them safe. That part had me on the edge of my seat because Red wasn’t responding to him and I was so scared that something bad was going to happen.

I definitely wasn’t ready for Admiral Sanda to betray the Paladins to protect Earth. I know she was doing what she thought was best, but I think if she had listened to what everyone was saying about the Galra, she would’ve realized that the Galra can’t be trusted to keep up their end of deals. And even though this made me hate her, I definitely did not want to see her die. I wanted to see her get a chance to make things right with everyone back on Earth for betraying them.

Psychic connections with the lions?? What?? I knew that the Paladins had to capable of some amazing things in order to gain the trust of them. But I didn’t know they could essentially project their spirits into the and pilot them! Even Shiro didn’t, and he was stuck inside Black for 4 season! I’m so proud of them for being able to do something so amazing!

Okey, but the Atlas essentially turning into Earth’s Voltron because of Shiro? How freaking cool is that!! It makes me wonder if that means that if Voltron goes back into space if Shiro is going to stay on Earth (along with if Hunk, Pidge, and Lance will). Shiro was able to do so much without having a lion this season, it was so amazing. I will admit I thought Sendak was going to kill him if the crystal lightening didn’t, but I’m so glad Keith was able to save him. I was also sobbing during Shiro’s speech because the Paladins were no where to be found and they had been hit with something that should’ve killed them. I thought they had died and I was so heart broken.

I have so many questions about the final robot and the Altean that was found to be piloting it. I have a theory that it’s Haggar’s doing, that she found the Altean colony and, using the knowledge and magic she learned on Oriande, was able to convince them that she was good and that Allura and Voltron are evil. I’m pretty sure Romelle is going to be the only person who will be able to convince them that Haggar is the evil one.

So, now onto the touchy subject - LGBTQ+ Rep. I think even though we all wanted Lance to talk to Shiro about his sexuality and have Shiro and Adam reunite, having what we did is a start. Ezor and Zethrid having an entire episode is absolutely amazing. We’re all assuming they died in the explosion, but it was never confirmed that they did. So while we might think our canon lesbian couple is dead, they may not be, and they may show up in the next season. And if they don’t, the fact that we got it is so amazing.

The Shiro and Adam situation is a very touchy topic. I think killing Adam off was a bad call, but I can make some assumptions as to why they did it. Killing him meant that Shiro had a personal reason (other than saving Earth) to do everything he could to defeat Sendak. I’m really hoping they touch on it in the next season, because Shiro needs a chance to grieve for his boyfriend/fiance. Just because we didn’t get the interactions between them that we wanted doesn’t mean we didn’t get any rep. Shiro himself is our rep, whether it gets focused on or not.

Now onto the most touchy topic - Klance, Allurance, and Kaxca. People are saying that Klance is dead because Axca suddenly shows up and Ezor made a comment about her being in love with him. I really don’t see this as ever happening. I get the vibe that Axca is somehow related to him (maybe she’s Krolia and Kolivan’s child? They seem to be a thing when they’re in Keith’s room)

Allurance is also something I don’t think will happen. It’s been 7 seasons and it’s just now that we’re seeing Allura seeing Lance as more than the goofball he is. I think she’s a little desperate to feel something in her heart again after Lotor, and that she’s seeing Lance as that person who can do this. She knows that Lance has feelings for her, but I don’t think Lance has realized that Allura really isn’t the person he should be with. I think he’s scared to accept that. And then to have her being the way she is might be making him think she really is. I think the next season will let us have more insight into this.

I think Klance still has a really good chance of being a thing. It may not seem like it, but there was a lot of character growth between Keith and Lance. Keith trusts Lance enough to not only have his back during missions, but to lead the team while he went off to do something else, like helping Axca. There was clear concern on Lance’s face when he left, but he trusted Keith, and Keith trusted him.

We were told that Lance would be someone’s first choice, and he was. Remember the game show episode? Keith immediately wrote down Lance. Despite what he said, we all know that’s not the only reason he chose to write down Lance. Lance was Keith’s first choice to lead the team to the lions. He could’ve asked Shiro or Allura or even Krolia. But he chose Lance without a second thought. He called out for Lance first when they were stuck on Sendak’s ship. Lance was, and is, Keith’s first choice.

We may not have gotten Klance like we wanted, but we were far from Queer Baited like everyone seems to think. The show isn’t over. We’ve had two (2) canon queer couples in the show, and there may be more in the next season. Our Rep may not have been shown the way we wanted, but I really don’t think we were Queer Baited. We have another season. We’ll see what we get in terms of Rep.

So, parting thoughts: I actually really enjoyed this season. There was so much action, so many emotional scenes, and I thoroughly enjoyed it. It had me holding my breath and sitting on the edge of my seat during a lot of scenes. It had a lot of scenes to help us with the sadness and seriousness. This season was a season showing us what war is like, and I think the crew did a phenomenal job at this. I’m very excited to see what the next season will give us.

[dazzling-ji]

aesthetic themed ask list

flower crown: when did you last sing to yourself?

probably halo? still riding off the performance high tbh

fairy lights: if a crystal ball could tell you the truth about anything, what would you want to know?

can’t think of anything that i would want to know immediately that i couldn’t just wait for confirmation in prayer about...

daisies: what is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

so far? taking the steps necessary to actually pursue my dreams

1975: what is the first happy memory that comes to mind, recent or otherwise?

kbbq with friends

matte: if you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living?

probably tell my parents how i feel about them, same to my friends

black nail polish: do you have a bucket list? if so, what are the top three things?

not really. i have things i’d like to do, tho

pantone: describe a person close to your life in detail.

as in a human being? um, she has obscenely small hands. her face is like shiny and red perpetually. she is tiny. she gets really excited over the smallest things, i.e. her cats or the sight of a corgi. lowkey highkey hates her hair unless it’s short. bane of my existence.

moodboard: do you feel you had a happy childhood?

bruh i wish. literally still trying to console younger me with each day.

stars: when did you last cry in front of another person?

lowkey cried in front of my therapist as i told him i don’t cry in front of people. idk if he noticed or not (IT’S CUZ HE KEPT STARING AT ME WITH THOSE BIG SAD EMPATHETIC BLUE EYES. I DON’T NEED EMPATHY!!!) but the tears were threatening and i was threatening the tears.

plants: pick a person to stargaze with you and explain why you picked them.

bruh, had to describe a human for the last one but this time i won’t. my best friend nam shin iii. because i love him and he’s great. wish he were real so i could teach him english and he could teach me korean and i could help him romance his girlfriend. 

converse: would you ever have a deep conversation with a stranger and open up to them?

i did when i was first meeting my therapist lol. i don’t trust people enough to do stuff like that.

lace: when was your last 3am conversation with someone, and who were they to you?

probably ye olde tiny handed one. she’s the only one who would try to stay up that late with me. doesn’t mean i don’t have to deal with her sleep delirium.

handwriting: if you were about to die, and you could only say one more sentence to one person, what would you say and to whom?

it’d either be to myself or my mom. something along the lines of letting them know their worth.

cactus: what is your opinion on brown eyes?

they aight. blue eyes are really scary 90% of the time. brown eyes make more sense to me.

sunrise: pick a quote and describe what it means to you personally.

“different doesn’t mean wrong” said by one of my late faves, who i honestly felt was a kindred spirit 99.999% best friend match to me. not gonna get into why the quote is so deep to me, all i’ll say is it allowed me to breathe.

oil paints: what would you title the autobiography of your life so far?

indigko

overalls: what would you do with one billion dollars?

pay off debts, travel, save, give to charities/church, save some more, maybe make a trust fund? 

combat boots: are you a very forgiving person? do you like being this way?

with God, yeah. by myself? depends. i can be kind of hypocritical and times.

winged eyeliner: write a hundred word letter to your twelve year old self.

guess i know what to tag this ask meme now

pastel: would you describe yourself as more punk or pastel?

punk for sure.

tattoos: how do you feel about tattoos and piercings? explain.

super cool. was thinking of getting either a septum or normal nose ring. wish tattoos made a bit more sense on dark skin, but either way they’re super painful so maybe i lucked out.

piercings: do you wear a lot of makeup? why/why not?

i don’t. don’t wanna ruin my skin and i like the natural look over a beat face. i like people looking realistic if that makes sense?

bands: talk about a song/band/lyric that has affected your life in some way.

so many people to talk about, but my ex-fave prince helped me realize i was ace.

messy bun: the world is listening. pick one sentence you would tell them.

i wouldn’t. at least not rn, don’t have anything revolutionary to tell em. maybe something like “Please remember we’re dealing with human beings” or along those lines, because I’m tired of reading about racists and human rights violations who real life be forgetting that aside from differences in race/gender/sexuality/etc/etc we are all human and worthy of love.

cry baby: list the concerts you have been to and talk about how they make you feel.

stromae @ msg - super fun! wish the people behind me didn’t try to waste my time and sit at a dance music concert.

nai palm @ brooklyn (i forget the venue) - also super great. it was great to actually see her irl, and allowed me to realize i can actually socialize without too much problem.

garth brooks @ mercedes benz - yikes ppl in the south RLY like their country music huh?

kimbra @ brooklyn (also forget the venue) - LIVE MUSIC CAN BE SO EXPERIMENTAL AND FUN. kind of reminded me of what i’d heard seeing prince irl was like.

grunge: who in the world would you most like to receive a letter from and what would you want it to say?

NYU - You have no outstanding balances. We have a $1 mil scholarship that will be applied to your account as of today. We love you. In fact, we’re gonna wipe away all your student loan debt and ensure no one in your family has to worry about paying for anything ever again in their lives.

space: do you have a desk/workspace and how is it organised/not organised?

my desk always gets cluttered with papers and stuff. but i really do prefer working at a desk rather than a bed. 

white bed sheets: what is your night time routine?

stall as long as possible until i REALLY need to go to sleep. grumble as i lazily brush my teeth and rinse my retainer. lie in bed and watch youtube for anywhere between 30 min to 3 hrs before actually turning off.

old books: what’s one thing you don’t want your parents to know?

call me crazy, but i want my parents to know about me and *gasp* like what they realize. like lemme tell em i’m ace and have them not freak out, idk. 

beaches: if you had to dye your hair how would you dye/style it and why?

blue or purple. but probably a wig or something impermanent. 

eyes: pick five people to go on an excursion with you. who would you pick and where would you go/what would you do?

THE FAB FIVE. WHY AM I SO DUMB. we’d go makeover their next person on queer eye OR even better we’d just hang out

11:11: name three wishes and why you wish for them.

1. the aforementioned letter from nyu because i deserve it, ok?

2. a life i don’t feel like i have to run away from because i hate living like this but feel powerless to change it.

3. a cool best friend i could go cool places with, because i wanna go cool places

painting: what is the best halloween costume you have ever put together? if none, make one up.

i cosplay’d as Taemin during the Ace era. It was cool because it basically was my style, so I felt super confident all day looking my best.

lightning: what’s the worst thing you’ve ever done while drunk or high?

I do neither. But the craziest thing I did half-asleep was convince myself I could still talk to the aforementioned tiny handed weirdo and answer her questions though my head was firmly planted on my pillow and i was neatly tucked under my sheets. like i really thought homegirl could read my thoughts and find the answers she needed to her questions. 

thunder: what’s one thing you would never do for one million dollars?

like donald trump

storms: you on only listen to one song for the rest of your life, or only see one person for the rest of your life. which and why?

maybe one person - i’d see myself the way God sees me so I wouldn’t be so powerless against my insecurities and the fake people in the world all the time.

love: have you ever fallen in love? describe what it feels like to realize you’re in love.

idk? i’m ace and aro and very aesthetically drawn, so i really don’t know if i ever have. 

clouds: if you’re a boy, would you ever rock black nail polish? if you’re a girl, would you ever rock really really short hair?

i prefer myself with longer hair tbh.

coffee: what’s your starbucks order, and who would you trust to order for you, if anyone?

hot chocolate if i wanna blend in. otherwise a strawberry acai refresher. i trust any of my friends because it’s really not that deep.

marble: what is the most important thing to you in your life right now?

gaining self-confidence so i can step more firmly into my calling.

fin.

[prettymessedupsituation]

Here’s a little ditty about queer and romantic coding, platonic gestures and being an aromantic shipper.

Recently I saw a post with multiple additions complaining about shippers glomming onto platonic gestures and stretching them to fit their desire for canon examples that validate their ship. One of the all-caps worthy on-screen moments for Supernatural viewers who ship Dean and Cas that drew the biggest criticism on the post was the mix tape.

Many people on the post or in the tags were dismissing the excitement because they made mix tapes for friends that they had no romantic involvement with. I also dismissed the notion that you wouldn’t make a mixed tape for a friend you had strictly a casual platonic relationship with but countered with what a lot of 90s kids mentioned – that tape wasn’t new. Mix tapes were painstakingly made with time and precision and meant very much to the owner. Giving Cas that tape, we mix tape-making 90s kids said, was extremely meaningful. You broke your toe tripping over a table as you ran to the radio to smash Play and REC on your cassette player. You’d kill someone who taped over your mix tape. I’m pretty sure the first time I cursed out loud was when a radio DJ spoke over part of the song I was trying to record. And there’s no way you’d give someone your personal mix tape of your favorite songs unless you loved them. A lot. Even mix tapes I made for myself are incredibly personal, and if my sister or friend listened to one of my mix tapes without me saying it was okay, I’d view it as an intrusion of privacy on the same level as reading a poem I wrote in my journal. If I gave someone one of my mix tapes, it was because I wanted to smooch ‘em. This platonic gesture was romantically* coded.

I’m aromantic, which means I don’t experience romantic attraction. In my case, I love my friends fiercely and often want show them how much I love them, but I have to check how my gesture will be perceived by someone who does experience romantic attraction. Before I realized I was aromantic, I had a friend whose husband wasn’t very attentive, so I would send her flowers to her work on her birthday or when she was having a bad day so she would feel special and loved. I have a friend who is very dear to me, and I got something for her that I still haven’t given her two years later because I’m not sure what message it sends and I don’t want to be inappropriate. I have to slow down when I jump to say something to a friend or send a link to a song or planning a surprise because most of the time, it’s something that could be coded as romantic.

We see things in media and socially within our culture that are things you do when you love someone – and by love, I mean romantic love in this case, because that’s the only love that carries any weight thanks to what we’re constantly shown. Which is why I’m pretty loud about reading characters as aromantic when it fits and having more representation of platonic relationships, especially in YA lit, but I digress. We see these things and they’re automatically coded as romantic gestures, even though they aren’t inherently so. For me, I see these things and they are just gestures of good ole platonic love. Why can’t I send my friend flowers? Why can’t I write my friend a long letter telling them why I love them? Why can’t I stand outside my friend’s house and hold a stereo over my head blasting a song? Okay, that last one is obviously John Cusack, but still.

So people in fandom asked why can’t Dean make Cas a mix tape and it be platonic? Well. It fucking can. Especially if, say, Dean is aromantic and he gave this gift that was a huge piece of him in an effort to connect with his friend Cas. Sure, it’s a platonic gift – but the gesture is still romantically coded. There are a lot of things in the Supernatural series that are romantic or queer coded – things that the general audience and the het audience would miss. Whether it’s parallels or background decoration or editing choices that make meta writers freak out, it’s the little things that make a huge impact on the queer audience, e.g. Purgatory being a gay bar in Miami. Why include it at all?

Story plays out in multiple ways in a visual medium and any additions to the plot, whether it’s dialog or set design or music or an actor’s choices on how to play something, make up the whole. There is rarely anything extraneous in storytelling, which I know from spending more time researching symbolism of things I’m including in a scene than actually writing it. What does this tree represent? What about this flower? What’s the story behind this constellation, and why would looking at this one specifically be relevant to the story? I want to make sure that everything I provide textually also has meaning subtextually because if it’s just random words, why do I bother telling the story? Even if someone messes with an old butter churn out of all the items in an antique store the characters are walking through it’s because my friend Janet will smile at that little nod and so will everyone else who understands that. It doesn’t have to be for the entire audience – but the people it is intended for who will definitely pick it up.

Just because something is platonic doesn’t mean there isn’t a lot of deep feelings attached to it. Just because someone doesn’t experience romantic attraction doesn’t mean they don’t love deeply or can’t be interested in people platonically and sexually. Just because someone is friends with someone of their sexual preference doesn’t mean there’s automatically sexual tension – which is good bc my bisexual ass would be passing out in public on the regular from being around attractive people for too long. The black and white thinking people have in regards to sexuality, attraction, desires, and context is damaging.

Maybe something is platonic. Maybe it’s super gay. Maybe it’s sexual attraction. Maybe it’s just bros being bros. Maybe this character is a bisexual aromantic with PTSD and a difficulty expressing themselves in words, whose actions tell more about them than what comes out of their mouth.

Whatever the situation, don’t bitch about how underrepresented people see a moment. Let us scream in all-caps about it. Do some people read too much into stuff that feeds their ship and get overexcited? Sure. But when you blow the wind out of their sails, you might just be sinking the hopes of people who never see themselves on screen. Give us a break.

*romantically coded bc it’s not explicitly sexually coded, but presented in a way that in media is normally considered a romantic gesture – and sex does not equal love and vice versa, but just go with me.

[thesiteofstyle]

ARIEN WILKERSON

The artistic director of Tnmot-Aztro shares his choice skincare brand, the importance of crystal jewelry, and his style journey. 

“My name is Arien Wilkerson (@ariaztro) and I am ageless. Well, 26 years young, not old-we don’t believe in that. I’m from the north end of Hartford, Connecticut. Elmer St. is where I was born and raised. I’m the artistic director of Tnmot-Aztro, it’s a performance art and dance installation LLC. I’m the founder and artistic director of that...I’m an artist. What do I enjoy doing? I enjoy having sex ya’ll; if I could do that as a pastime for many hours at a time, I would. Less eating and more having sex!

For skincare, I love Age Into Beauty, by my good friend Azua Echevarria. I have to get more of her stuff but she makes the best oils and soap scrubs and face masks and detoxifying masks. I love the JuJu oil; it’s supposed to bring prosperity and money into your life. It’s all natural and ayurvedic. You can put it all over your body; in your hair, on your private areas, pretty much everywhere and it’s really fucking amazing. She’s local, too. I use a lot of her oils. I love exfoliating. I’m addicted to whatever that means in life. I enjoy brushes for your face; they’re godsent materials. Those are a key to life. I don’t break out a lot, but because I use oils and have kind of dry skin, it feels so good to get all that shit out of your face. I feel like it makes you look brighter too; it’s important to really scrub it all out. I enjoy flossing, too. A lot. I used to be scared of it, I would be like “...this hurts,” but now I love it. I love going to the dentist, too. My dentist loves me; he always tells me how I never freak out. I’m going for my next deep cleaning in February! I’m trying to get some cosmetic stuff done, like getting my teeth whitened. It’s a little expensive but it’s worth it. I definitely feel like the first thing rich people do is get their teeth fixed, you know? That’s that as far as a regimen is concerned. I wake up, wash my face, and I take a shower maybe every other day. Sometimes twice a day if I’m really sweaty. In the summer, I shower pretty much only at night. Showering in the summer is so tiring; just go out and get sweaty and shower when the time is right. I like deodorant, but I won’t really participate in deodorant use as much as I used to. The best thing in the world for me is Dove soap. 

For the hair aspect, I really really really really love being bald. I don’t really cut my hair unless I know I’m doing it for a specific thing. And also, because I’ve been bald my whole life-I started going bald when I was like 14-so I’ve always rocked the bald head. My hair doesn’t have a hairline, so it just grows back wherever it wants. I love taking a razor and shaving it off. To be a male dancer, you have to wear makeup. I’ve actually survived a pretty long time without having to wear too much makeup. Maybe mascara here and there, but I’ve never really applied makeup to myself. And it wasn’t me being against it, but I had very chubby cheeks and I was chubby as a kid, so it never felt like the right look.

I’m happy to be unpacking this right now. This is the first time anyone has ever asked me about my style and I’m so excited to put it out there. I guess I should start with how everyone else saw it. Everyone always said I was like “hobo-chic” when I was a kid, because I used to just wear whatever the fuck I wanted; wrinkled or not wrinkled, and things that people thought didn’t match, I thought matched, so I was always kind of in that realm. I think I kind of adopted my own concept, so style icons weren’t really a thing for me because I was always trying to figure out dancing and queerness, and I was too busy emulating other people that I didn’t really know what my own style was. Before, it was very masculine; it was before I started wearing dresses and skirts and playing with my gender more - that was when I was like 21 or 22. It was always simple, but dressy. I was always into Marc Jacobs as a kid; he was a big point of reference for me. African design was also very cool to me because of all the costumes we got to wear for African dance workshops and performances. I would google African designers as a kid and admire the designs and the patterns and the framework. It would really help me get into that mentality. And with Marc, he invented grunge and that was something that was kind of like that hobo-chic thing my friends said I was doing. Then when Usher dropped “Yeah,” I was like “oh, I’m Usher now.” I was focusing on trying to be a backup dancer for Madonna or something, I wasn’t really focusing on fine art and making more serious art. Also, when I went to Africa, that was amazing too because you weren’t allowed to have style so it kind of crushed the whole concept to me. I was just like “oh shit, I want to do all these stylistic things” but they shot it down. They have fashion and shit, but no name brand anything because if you do, you’re gonna get your shit stolen. And the kids who did bring name brand shit, in fact, got their shit stolen. It was such a different lifestyle, but that kind of influenced the feeling of clothes not being so real to me. I was really into M.I.A. at the time; Pharrell too! Anything he would wear, I would try to wear too. He definitely shared that frame of mind with the colors and stuff, but I wasn’t a skateboarder so I knew it wasn’t really my thing but there were certain nuances. You know, to make a t-shirt or a belt or shoes look fly, that was Pharrell for me. M.IA. was like patterns, jumpers, in-your-face colors--she definitely influenced me a lot. Roisin Murphy is another artist too, she’s from London. Her fashion has always been insane. If I had to list really cool wild people, there’d be Bjork, Grace Jones, Jamiroquai. 

I was always a lowkey London head with some bellbottom-y type of vibe. I won best style in high school, actually. In my senior year, I showed up with purple skinny jeans, grey Converse that had colorful zippers all over, a vest, a crazy colorful t-shirt, and a fucking porkpie hat. I was taking it there by then. But hands down, Shamel Pitts...style influencer, creator, mentor...he’s the reason I went to Israel. To me, fashion is art. That’s how I felt when I was working for Hartford Denim Co. I invented my lane there and built their trust enough to where I managed their store and it was real learning experience. It was a bit weird because I was dressing like me, but I was working for this worker-wear, denim brand where everything is heavy duty, I was trying to create new and old things with it. I worked on some of the lookbooks and on some of the fashion shows, so for me it was all about telling a story and making art through the clothes. I knew that my identity and my sense of style mattered, but I saw it as something to tell a story through.

I think everyone should always have a pair of Converse to just slide on your feet. They’re so important. They hurt your toes, but you gotta get used to them. Layers and colors...I have to have color in my life. Jumpers, too! And crystal jewelry. I think those things really round out my personal style.”

Arien Wilkerson interviewed by The Site of Style

[28allthelove28]

Essay on Fandom and Obsession (One Direction & Fionn Whitehead mainly)

I think it is vital to not make people feel guilty for the things that they enjoy. It is also important to realise that everyone gets obsessed with stuff, and it’s not a bad thing.

Fandom can often be seen as being predominantly young girls screaming and crying over young boys, and apparently that is not cool. At least a lot of people seem to think it is not cool, but that attitude is wrong. Yes, teenage girls have been freaking out over young men since before Beatlemania, but intense fandom and excessive love for your idol is by no means exclusive to young girls. Think of Morrissey. Grown men devote their lives to worshiping him. I’ve witnessed hard, tough, old men in tears, covered in Smiths tattoos, shouting every lyric out at a Morrissey gig, and no one batted an eye. It’s great! David Bowie inspired generations of working class lads to dye their hair bright orange and go out wearing glittery make up. Loads of men really idolise Oasis. Everybody loves Radiohead. I’m one of the proud and devoted thousands who flock in their Goth uniform to see The Cure perform every couple of years, and hopefully I always will be. The best moment of my life was my last Cure gig, and I’m very happy about that. Of course, fan girls don’t just like male musicians, a lot of girls like Beyoncé, Taylor Swift and Little Mix, so do a lot of boys. Lads also like Justin Bieber as well as girls. Maybe it is naïve, unnecessary and problematic to even consider fandom in terms of gender, especially in terms of only two genders.

To mention fan fiction, I bought a book from Rough Trade Records which was part of a series of works inspired by different musicians. It was a short story which the author imagined after listening to the album Dry by PJ Harvey. It may not be classed as conventional fan fiction per say, due to Polly Harvey not being directly featured in the story, but each chapter began with the first lyric of Polly’s song, in order of the album tracklist. Something creative and imaginative was born from an enjoyment of music, it was wonderful. And fandom is obviously not just music orientated, thousands of people are obsessed and devoted to football. I couldn’t even count the amount of Newcastle United Football Club tattoos I’ve seen. Game Of Thrones, Star Wars and Harry Potter have enormous fan bases too. The Great British Bake Off is huge, so are specific YouTubers, make-up brands, celebrities like the Kardashians, fashion brands, games, and phone apps. There are so many areas of fandom and obsession, when you begin to think about it. I may have glossed over and simplified some things but these serve as only a few brief examples, out of many, of how diverse and wonderful fandom can be.

Being a fan is clearly by absolutely no means just young females liking young male singers, and it probably is problematic to think so. Perhaps why it can initially seem that way, to me anyway, may be because a girl obsessing over a boy has been my personal experience, and in contemporary culture today, the media really does like to mock girls like me. To focus on One Direction in particular, because that is my biggest obsession, and is most relevant to this discussion, many journalists enjoy frequently claiming that all One Direction fans are hysterical, naive 12 year old girls, who want to sleep with the band, and only like them because they’re pretty. When in fact, not only is that disrespectful to any 12 year old 1D fans, but many fans have grown up with One Direction and are around the same age as them, if not much older. Many One Direction fans don’t fancy the band whatsoever, many 1D fans are boys, many fans are gender fluid, and all the fans that I’ve interacted with genuinely love 1D’s music and respect the band members. Yes, there are some people who sexualise, worship, and disrespect One Direction, but tabloid journalists can often only focus on that side of things.

I think it is important to highlight more so, that a vast portion of the One Direction fandom are part of the LGBTQ+ community, and through 1D and their fans, feel loved, supported, understood, welcomed, included and inspired to be strong and proud. A lot of One Direction concerts are full of rainbow flags, which then get shown on the big screen, signed by Louis, and worn by Harry. Harry has ‘liked’ Instagram posts encouraging people to “Support feminine boys” and Louis has even corrected Harry when he accidentally misgendered a fan. A vast portion of the 1D fandom, myself included, genuinely believe that Harry and Louis are in love, and have been in a secret relationship for years, and we completely support them. (I have a separate essay on this.) I talked about this recently with a lecturer in queer art history, who also believes in Larry, and is in awe at the level of visual analysis ‘Larries’ have undertaken to examine Harry and Louis’ complimentary couple tattoos.

Harry has inspired young boys to wear nail polish because, until seeing him do it, they “Didn’t know boys were allowed.” Again, I don’t want to skim over important issues, but I am quickly mentioning the importance of One Direction’s queer community, and Harry challenging gender norms, to disprove the media idea that all 1D fans are just there to sexualise the band. Yes, I and many others do find One Direction very beautiful and sexy, but I don’t want to be their girlfriend or their lover, at most I just want to be their best friend. I want to continue enjoying their music and supporting them as individuals. And so do the majority of fans that I interact with.

The way in which mainstream media represents One Direction fans can make them expect everyone to mock them. However Mark Radcliffe, a radio presenter on 6Music, an alternative station you would never expect to mention One Direction, recently spoke very kindly of Harry Styles and his fans. He saw people queuing to meet Harry, and explained on his show that they were very excited, and “Why wouldn’t they be?” Mark discussed that Harry was doing solo work and even made a feature out of fandom, asking listeners to text in their own experiences of queueing for their idols. Mark kept chatting to Harry’s fans, checking they were ok and he even brought them breakfast. The entire time Mark mentioned Harry and the fans, he spoke sweetly and respectfully and completely normally. This shouldn’t have been refreshing to hear, but it really was. I tweeted to thank Mark for his kindness, to which he ‘liked’ and replied. I simply found this a lovely and heart-warming example of respectable music news outlets treating young pop fans nicely.

Harry Styles himself was even asked about his fan-base being mainly composed of young girls, as if he were supposed to feel embarrassed about that, and he brilliantly commented “Who’s to say that young girls who like pop music – short for popular right? – have worse musical taste than a 30-year-old hipster guy? That’s not up to you to say. Music is something that’s changing… Young girls like the Beatles. You gonna tell me they’re not serious? How can you say young girls don’t get it? They’re our future – our future doctors, lawyers, mothers, presidents, they kind of keep the world going. Teenage-girl fans – they don’t lie. If they like you, they’re there. They don’t act ‘too cool’. They like you, and they tell you.” I really don’t think there is a better way to say it. One Direction fans defend them against the media, but they also correct them if they make mistakes. We are honest.

Louis Tomlinson has also talked about how impressive and “Remarkable” his own fans devotion is, and how endlessly grateful he is for it. Louis has discussed how he’s built up a special relationship with his fans and often credits his success as being a constant “Teamwork” between him and the fans working together, even saying that they deserve managerial, promotion jobs. Niall Horan from One Direction constantly looks out for the safety of his fans as they queue to see him perform, and he even regularly shares photos of letters which he’s handwritten for fans, personally updating them on what he’s been up to. Liam Payne from 1D always remembers to acknowledge special band anniversaries that the fans get involved with, and Zayn Malik frequently shares examples of fan art that his fans have drawn of him. The members of the band which people idolise, equally love and appreciate their fans in return and form a family-like unit together, and it’s lovely.

People have picked up on this and even said that society should be built in a similar way as a fandom; supportive, passionate and communal. A lovely article was written by Aarabelle Sicardi, in which she describes fashion designer Rei Kawakubo as her own Harry Styles. She rightly notes that “Loving people makes you brave.” And that “Fandom is a pure version of this. It’s an ideal receptacle of feelings because you ask for nothing personal in return… fandom gave me bravery and friendship.” She admits that you can often find yourself needing to “Defend” your fandom love, and that people may dismiss the thing you love but the thing you love will never dismiss you. She discusses similar points which I have made that “Fandom lives in every industry if you know where to look…teen girls are always attacked for their fandom regardless: music fandom to outsiders looks uncool, unhinged or wasteful. You might see teen girls crying and holding signs or collecting memorabilia and think it’s too much for something so trivial. But it’s not.” Sicardi quotes Harry’s fans as they describe how he was a gateway to finding their queer community and affirming their own identity, saying that “His existence in the world made them more comfortable with their own…Teen girls are criticized for loving the wrong things and loving them in weird and unproductive ways. But the criticisms couldn’t be more off base. They love things with a brilliance and curiosity that makes them better for it…Teen girls push themselves to learn how to code so they can build beautiful fan-pages and online communities… It helps them build worlds out of their imaginings.” Through writing about One Direction, myself and many other fans have also learnt more about putting forward an argument, gathering information, formatting essays and questioning things. Sicardi ends her article by saying that loving things makes fans smarter and braver, and I agree.

These are all beautiful, empowering things, but for me, being so engaged in a fandom can also mean that I do live inside my head quite a lot, but it’s mostly very nice in there, and I think everyone does that. Everyone imagines things. Everyone enjoys the things they enjoy. Admittedly I probably think that obsessing over famous boys is worse than it actually is. In reality I’ve now learnt that it’s not that bad at all. Yes, loving One Direction, Larry Stylinson and Fionn Whitehead can cause some problems – what if no man in real life can live up to them? What if Larry or ‘Larries’ have set unrealistic expectations of relationships? What if I’m more invested in their wellbeing than my own, and those around me? What if I spend so much time on them that I am ignorant to real world problems? What if their rich and privileged lifestyles have made me greedy and selfish? What if their success being born from luck on a talent show has made me lazy and less ambitious? What if their enormous success at the same age as me has made me value my own progress less? What if their physical beauty and that of the people around them has made me doubt and criticise my own? However, perhaps me thinking that loving a boy band or an actor is damaging and could cause all these issues, is the actual problem. Perhaps the obsession itself is not the problem, but my attitude towards it, an attitude influenced by media shame. Maybe me thinking it’s a problem is the only problem.

In reality, it is fun, and educational, and cultural to discover an actor or a singer. To appreciate a person’s talent and hard work, to notice their good qualities, to learn things from them and from their art, to unashamedly be passionate about something, to meet new people through that shared interest and then learn more things from them. All of that is a positive, and rewarding, and beautiful thing. I just have to keep thinking that until I no longer need to remind myself.

Perhaps this whole essay is my way of justifying to myself that it is ok for me to be obsessed with Fionn Whitehead and One Direction. Of course it is. Life is too short and dramatic to worry about things that you don’t really need to worry about. Life is too short and dramatic to deny yourself what you enjoy. Life is too short and dramatic to be over influenced by other people and their opinions. Life is too short and dramatic to not be proud of who you are and what makes you happy.

[estherroberts]

esther roberts!

part of advanced PLACEMENT: an ars PARADOXICA high school au about a gang of queer teen nerds, by @estherroberts​ , @podcastmecaptain , and @lizzieraindrops

all three of the aformentioned dorks are responsible for the hijinks found in this post. today though, it’s @estherroberts especially. (that’s me!)

click here for the au masterpost | track #ars placement for updates!

ALSO: things aren’t always showing up in the tags, so your most reliable bet is the aforementioned masterpost.

this is one of many individualized advanced PLACEMENT works, for the stories of each character involved. we each picked three kids to write about, and this is the first one of mine! without further ado, here’s esther! 

esther roberts is tiny but she is not delicate- which is to say, she looks fragile but she will kick your ass. she is feminine but she is unyielding. and she will beat you to the chair and pull it out her damn self.

pencil skirts, fancy blouses, necklaces with tiny charms, and three rings with varying sizes of stones are like a uniform for esther.

she has honey blonde hair in the sunlight and mousy brown in dark and her hair wiggles just past her shoulders. also, she has bangs. they're cute but they don't help her look any older.

she has brown eyes and sometimes they're warm and welcoming but mostly they're analyzing and looking and curious and questioning

she doesn't want any more piercings than the basic ear ones and she likes to wear long chained dangly earrings because they feel nice

she wears heels for the click clack and the height and ballet flats for the comfort 

she’s an aquarius

she has a cat named johanna and when she was younger she had fish but she was a horrible fish mother and gave them to jack’s sisters

esther’s father died when she was four years old

the only things she has left of him are

a) a deck of cards

b) all kinds of russian swear words

c) an ability to withstand incredibly cold weather

d) an ability to withstand her mother

technically the occupants of her house are just her and her mom, anita

anita is from new york and certainly sounds like it

she is loud and affectionate and even though she is grieving her husband, does her best to raise her daughter

there are aunts, uncles, and cousins living across the street and on either side, and her mother’s parents are less than a block away

and there are always people over

most of her cousins are a lot older than she is, some of them have children by the time she’s a junior and so she is both the baby and the babysitter

also always over is jack wyatt

they grew up together, and jack talked to esther’s cousins as much, if not more, than esther did

they did ballroom lessons together, they cooked together, they have embarrassing photos of each other when they were babies, they even are very close to having their own language (there’s more on that in the jack post)

if you asked esther at five, at seven, at fifteen, at seventeen, who her favorite person in the world was? she would say jack. (she might throw bridget in there too, but we’re not there yet)

she loves him a LOT

esther figured out she was gay in 5th grade bc she watched glee and wanted to kiss quinn (later she realized how GARBAGE FIRE the show was but she’s glad it got her this, at least)

she’s maybe 11 and she’s freaking out. she thinks about it before she falls asleep and sometimes she looks stuff up online but she feels like it’s Extra so she stopped doing that. and it’s her secret, it’s a Big Secret.

sometimes she asks jack if they would still be friends if she was gay and he looks at her funny and tells her that she’s an idiot and he would still be her friend if she was green and came from the moon

“actually it’d be so cool if you were green and from the moon,”

and one time she held hands with a girl who was like, a study buddy or something as they were walking down the hallway and her heart hurt because she wished it could be real, really real

lots more under the readmore! 

when she is 12 her and jack meet anthony in detention, and through him, they also meet quentin

the four of them have lunch together every day and talk about advanced math and sciences, comparing notes and theories and arguing constantly

sometimes anthony does her nails

she really likes light solid colors like white, beige, pink

but one time he brings gold flecks to put on top of her pink

and he’s a little unsure about how she’ll react but she agrees

and is UTTERLY DELIGHTED with the final result

in 7th grade, tiny practical esther still doesn't understand most social interactions very well

she doesn't see the value in communication so spends no time learning how to do it

but toward the end of the year she starts to actually worry about this

their school is a middle and high school combined but

anthony has been complaining that all his friends are younger than him, that by high school he STILL won’t know anyone his age, that making friends is SO HARD

and so esther starts spending a lot of time interrogating her mom about how to initiate conversations and when you should ask someone about their day and what you do if someone doesn't like you

and her mom thinks it's great that she's finally expressing interest in people, for the love of god, so she gives her practice assignments to try to get to know the people around her better and get more friends

over summer she meets sally this way, by complimenting her star trek shirt and then dragging her to lunch with The Boys

of course, sally ends up becoming best friends with anthony, but her and esther are close too

anyway this is how esther becomes a CHARMER. teachers, when they aren't telling off her for talking to jack, LOVE HER. store clerks and waiters feel a little bit better about themselves after she leaves them (and internally she still has a script running because she needs it, but she gets better at improvising and she learns to smile a little bit more, because people like that)

it’s not that she’s being fake? because she genuinely does care, it’s just that she’s cracked the code of being like a Great People person

esther invited four non family members to her bat mitzvah:

jack, anthony, quentin, and sally.

they’re all super impressed with her confidence and jack actually cries a little

the party half of it isn’t so much of a party as it is a smorgasbord of incredible food

anita tells the kids they can just the tiniest sips of wine and they all get so excited about it she changes her mind

her freshman year there’s a GSA club and she’s rly scared but she signs up and asks jack if he’ll come with her to a meeting and he’s like, absolutely

and she passes him a note in the middle of it and it just says “i’m gay?????????” and he passes it back with “probably, also, same” and she nods and he smiles and for a while he’s the only one who knows

sophomore year she’s in science and math with sally bc she’s Smart for a little one

and they’re doing group work together and she’s texting instead of talking to sally

and sally’s like “are we gonna work now?” and esther’s like “yeah sorry, uh"

“i was in an argument with jack over who gets to marry hayley atwell"

and sally’s like, “is she, like, your woman crush wednesday whatever”

and esther’s like “oh no, i’m a giant lesbian”

makes a face, mumbles, “woman crush wednesday, god”

and sally’s just like, bubbly, happy, excited (but it takes her a minute to process)

“oh. OH! :D i hope you win the argument!!”

and esther grins wickedly and is like, “i will"

this eventually leads to a Bond they share over queer stuff, which leads to regular talks down at the garden shed, which eventually winds up at detention

but that’s another story 

later in the year she tells june and helen, who are in orchestra with her, and theyre so sweet about it and it’s the only time (until, of course, Chuck E Cheese Night) that june smiles at her

she doesn’t say it to anyone unless it comes up, but she doesn’t say silent on her opinions in class discussions and she figures everyone’s figured it out by now

telling her mother, on the other hand, scares the SHIT out of her

like, she knows anita will be chill about it she knows this but it’s so so scary for some reason? like what if she’s wrong and what if her mom is disappointed or doesn’t believe her?

her and bridget start dating the summer between sophomore year and junior year

that summer, before they get together, they text constantly

and esther, like is absolutely flirting, she’s doing her best

she thinks very highly of bridget as an academic but the selfies bridget sends... oh god, the selfies are so breathtakingly beautiful 

even the silly ones

like, wow

WOW

esther has never had a girlfriend, she doesn’t know how to flirt, but being smooth is like, in her dna

(jack makes fun of her all the time and tells her she’s being cheesy)

(but it appears to be working, so she tells him to fuck off)

eventually her efforts do pay off and bridget officially asks her out while they’re eating ice cream

their relationship is so healthy like, they talk about everything and they’re super honest with each other

and when they have miscommunications they talk about what they feel and try to say what they mean

her whole life esther has always been “the cute one”

it comes from being smol and from being the youngest in her family and bc, well, she is pretty cute

but bridget calls her beautiful one day and she nearly cries

because she’s never gotten to feel beautiful before

also, bridget’s the only one who calls her ettie and very quickly becomes the only one who’s allowed to call her ettie

esther loves her so much, she would do anything for bridget and anything to keep her

and she knows, she knows she needs to tell her mom soon, but one month passes and then three and then six and it’s hanukkah?

and her mom tells her she can invite as many people she wants on the third night, that they won’t have any cousins and it can just be esther’s friends

because of orchestra, and The Gay, and the poly chain and other couples, the gang has taken shape, and esther, for the first time, has more than four friends. she has eight now, eight people she loves and (mostly) get along with

trying to explain all of it to anita is a literal nightmare, but she can’t quite speak bridget’s name

“mom, again, you know jack, and his girlfriend penny, and then sally and her not-not? or is it not? boyfriend anthony and his girlfriend helen and her girlfriend june and her boyfriend quentin and-”

anita is patient and is really doing her best to understand the tangled relationship web but she does notice that esther said eight and only gave her seven names

“who’s the eighth person, esther?"

“aaaaaaaaaaa she’s uhhhh she’s ummmmmmmmmm aaaaaaa……..her name is bridget. she’s my age. she’s beautiful. she’s like. really good at english. she makes a mean apple pie. she’s a libra. she volunteers at the library. she’s like, an actual angel and she makes me smile every day and also she’s kind of my girlfriend?????????????”

anita:    :O

“i’m so sorry i didnt say sooner, i just. i got scared. i really don’t want to lose her. and i didn’t know how you would react, if you knew and i didnt- i didnt… i didn’t want to lie but i didnt know what to SAY and i waited too long and i’m sorry and-”

god bless esther’s mother, because although she is absolutely freaking out internally, just says, “i cannot wait to meet her"

needless to say they all have a BLAST and esther’s mom really does her best to get all the pronouns and relationships right and she appreciates how captive of an audience she has when she tells stories esther’s heard hundreds of times

and bridget is so polite and she offers to help clean the kitchen after

and esthers mom keeps making faces at esther like “SHES A KEEPER” and esther is ready to Die of happiness and embarrassment

up until her junior year, homework was incredibly easy. all she had to do was hyperfocus and she could work on it all night. but the more work she got, the more overwhelming it was, the more pressure she put on herself, and the harder it got to do

her grades didn’t really drop but ?

it took her a lot longer to get her homework done

she got distracted more easily

and then get mad at herself for getting distracted

being diagnosed for adhd helped a lot

she’s not on meds (she’s thinking about it though) but knowing that this is something to manage and take care of is really helping her

she’s learning to be okay with that part of herself? jack doesn’t stim the same way she does but he helps her figure out what she likes

and eventually she’s even a little proud of her neurodivergence, the way she’s proud of her sexuality and proud to be jewish

i’m not gonna pretend i know the rules of dilemma. but esther does, anita does, jack does, and sally….? sort of does?

just like in canon, her and jack play all the time

she’s better than he is but only SLIGHTLY, he’s been playing just as long as she has

she just gets a little more practice

esther’s dedication to STEM is sort of a mix of a lot of things

she has a genuine natural interest in math and science

she likes that things make sense and that there are universal rules (this doesn’t mean she won’t try to break them, she just likes knowing that they’re there)

(it’s a bit like a finish line, except you get to keep going)

(esther takes statistics really early in her hs career and just, LOVES it. like if she didn’t want to save the world, she’d probably be a data analyst

testing things to discern their significance is 300% her jam

and she loves hand drawing graphs

she has enough graph paper in her backpack to fill up a large dictionary)

also designing projects is a really big strong suit of hers

she’s an incredible planner/diagrammer

which works SUPER well with jack’s buildy skills

she comes up with the shit, and he makes it

also her handwriting is incred so whenever they write up things with the scientific method she’s the one who has to do it

she doesn’t know what she wants to do in the field but she knows she LOVES it 

overall she’s a pretty happy gay

she loves her friends and she loves her school and she loves her mom and she can put up with her cousins

she’s not afraid of the future, she’s ready for it.